#basically dustin being emo about being alone

[trnstlanticism]

why can’t i have that?

hey i wrote a really quick henclair thing. i meant for this to be fluff but it became more dustin centric and introspective than i originally intended. sorry - the henclair is there at the end! but it’s mostly dustin centric, him being emo about dying alone, with side byeler bc i’m predictable. there’s mention of underage drinking and they’re all aged up to be 17 in here. this is my first time writing Dramatic Dustin so i hope it wasn’t too terrible...

Dustin wakes up with his head aching which immediately puts him in a bad mood. He grumbles sleepily from his place on Mike’s basement floor, the pain too much to simply ignore and go back to sleep. Last night had been just the guys - rewatching Star Wars and eating junk food, and then taking sips of the whiskey Mike had stolen from his father’s cabinet. It had been disgusting and Dustin was ready to spit it out but watching the way Lucas chugged it down, smirking at all of them after he’d finished, bolstered his competitive spirit and he immediately chugged down several sips.

Now, he was paying the price for it.

He’s considering the pros and cons of waking up and dragging his sorry hungover - over barely a glass of whiskey?! Seriously!? Alcohol was such bullshit - self up the stairs for a glass of water and Advil, and hopefully Mrs. Wheeler’s cooking. Then he remembers that she’s out for the weekend - the only reason they’d been able to drink alcohol in the first place, and feels despair so acute in his gut, he could throw up.

There’s a soft groaning from the couch and he cranes his neck a little to see Will sitting up with a disgruntled expression, his eyes squinting. Dustin’s about to ask him if he feels the after-effects of the whiskey as well when two gangly arms come out of nowhere, wrap around Will’s waist, and pull him back down against the couch. Will squirms a little. “Mike,” he says with fond exasperation and now Dustin is definitely going to throw up.

So… yeah. That was a thing. Mike and Will, not officially “together” by any means but pretty much definitely “together” in every sense of the word - now they slept together on the couch or even retreated up to Mike’s bedroom on sleepover nights, held hands whenever they went out to the party, and Dustin had seen Will’s swollen lips and Mike’s self-satisfied smile too many times. He’s happy for his friends, he really is, but it reminds him of how Mike and El and Lucas and Max were back in the beginning of high school - happy couple holding hands and shit, painfully reminding Dustin of his single status and how at this rate he was going to die alone.

Dustin wasn’t… lonely by the standard definition of lonely but it sure would be nice to have someone to cuddle in the morning. Not that he wanted to cuddle Will or Mike - judging by Mike’s soft voice and Will’s motherfucking giggles, he was going to kill them if they engaged in any public displays of affection right in front of him. Like, seriously how dare they? Didn’t they care about his feelings?

He turns his head back to his other companion on the floor. “Lucas are you seeing this shit?” But there’s no Lucas in his sleeping bag, beside him, where they fell asleep last night. He blinks. “Hey guys stop making out for a second - where’s Lucas?”

Mike groans out loud. “We weren’t making out!” Yet, Dustin thinks miserably.

Will sticks his head out to where he is with a sheepish smile. “Oh you’re awake,” he says, way too chipper for someone who most definitely has a hangover. “Well, he’s probably upstairs. Do you wanna go check and see?”

Will does this thing with his voice where he’s not exactly asking you to do something but he might as well be with his large hazel doe-like eyes. Dustin has never wanted to punch his friend so much.

“Fine,” he grumbles as he stands, making sure to look as unhappy as possible. His headache has increased exponentially - a certain consequence from being exposed to his friends happy gay vibes. Will is smiling, pleased, and Mike isn’t even looking at Dustin, running his hands up Will’s sides and kissing his ear. Dustin makes a disgusted noise before he climbs up the stairs, making sure to step down on each one particularly hard, even though it makes his ears ring something awful.

“How dare you,” is how he greets Lucas. Lucas, who’s in the kitchen looking perfectly fine, cooking eggs on the stove, a plate of warm toast already on the table.

Lucas raises his eyebrows at him. “Good morning to you too, asshole,” he says cheerfully.

Dustin practically throws himself onto the chair with a whine. “How could you leave me down there with the lovebirds?! They’re in their honeymoon stage - it’s disgusting!”

“It’s cute,” Lucas corrects him with a laugh. He grabs a glass, fills it with water, and hands it to Dustin. “Here. Drink this, you look like shit.”

“Still look better than you,” Dustin mumbles back, before chugging the water down gratefully. “I mean seriously, don’t they have any shame? I swear, Mike was going to eat Will right in front of me! Like come on!”

“At least they’re happy?” Lucas puts a plate in front of him, eggs a little runny just the way he likes it, so that he can dip his toast into it. “I mean… you remember sophomore year.” Dustin cringes. Yeah, he remembers sophomore year. Mike and El’s messy breakup, Will’s obvious and tragic pining - yeah it was bad. Really bad. “Make sure you eat some toast, then take some Advil,” Lucas gestures for him to eat. “You have a headache right?”

Dustin sinks in his seat, flashing back to the way Lucas had so easily drank last night. “No, I don’t,” he lies. Lucas isn’t with Max anymore either, the two of them amicably breaking up last summer but Lucas has still drifted from him in a way Dustin didn’t like thinking about. He’d joined the track and field team at his dad’s urging and by junior year he was a star player of the team. Doing sports did good things for your reputation and Lucas had been elevated to “cool kid.” He still hung out with them but he also hung out with a lot more people - not the art kids like Will knew or the theater nerds Mike hung out with. Certainly not anyone on the school decathalon team like Dustin was. Lucas was smart, athletic, popular, and probably went to tons of parties were he learned how to drink whiskey like that.

Yeah, Dustin definitely didn’t want to think about that.

Lucas stares at him, his dark eyes seeing right through him. “Just eat, Henderson.”

So Dustin does, moodily chewing his eggs and toast, his mood too foul to properly enjoy them even though they’re exactly the kind of pick me up he needed after last night. He’s feeling weird - frustrated over Will and Mike’s easy affection, jealous that he can’t have any of that for his own, and Lucas standing there in front of him with his patient eyes and sly smile isn’t helping him at all. Lucas hands him the pills after he’s eaten most of his breakfast. “Drink.”

“Whatever,” Dustin mumbles as he does so. Lucas’s smile is gone, replaced with a concerned frown.

“Hey man, are you okay? You’re like, moodier than normal.” His voice goes quiet. “Mike didn’t really - “

“No!” Dustin’s head is throbbing. “No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just. It’s so stupid. Relationships, love.” He sighs, pushing his plate away, and putting his head down on the table. “It’s all bullshit.”

Lucas doesn’t say anything but after a beat of silence, Dustin feels a hand in his hair, slowly stroking his curls. Dustin hates that Lucas knows how much this calms him down - he wants to stay angry god damn it - but the tension in his body slowly starts to seep out, as Lucas’s touch somehow magically massages his headache away.

After all, Dustin knows it’s not bullshit. He wants that - he wants soft looks in the morning, tender touches in the afternoon, and a warm body to curl up with at night. He wants to feel love and be loved in return. It doesn’t seem like it should be so hard, considering most of his friends have been with someone at least once. Dustin wants to call up Steve and tell him that his advice was full of shit but it’s not like Dustin every laid moves on someone he actually wanted to be with. He didn’t want to just date someone for the experience. He wanted someone that he could talk to about the recent discoveries in gene therapy and have them actually listen instead of having their eyes glaze over. He wanted someone who would listen to him when he cried about New Zealand’s kakapos becoming an endangered species because of what it could mean for other similar species.

He wanted someone like Lucas, who did all of that and more. But Lucas had so much more going for him so there was no way Dustin could find someone to replace him. It was impossible.

“Are you falling asleep Dustin?” Lucas hasn’t stopped petting his hair, but he definitely sounds amused. Dustin groans into the table, insistently bumping his head against Lucas’s hand.

“Don’t stop,” he mumbles, eyes shutting close. Maybe he was getting a little sleepy. “Don’t stop, or I’ll die.”

“You’re so dramatic.” Lucas hums a little, a tune Dustin vaguely recognizes as a song that Will keeps playing in Mike’s car. It’s always Will in the passenger seat, holding Mike’s hand across the dash, while Dustin and Lucas are pressed close together in the back. It’s always been like that.

“Hey Dustin?” Lucas’s voice is serious and Dustin tries to listen even though dreamland is dragging him back into blissful sleep. “It’s not bullshit, you know. Love and all that. I promise, it isn’t.”

Easy for you to say asshole, Dustin wants to reply but he’s already asleep. He doesn’t know it, but Lucas keeps stroking his hair, staring at him with longing, intense eyes, words that remain unspoken getting swallowed in the lukewarm morning air.

[beepboop358]

My general plot theories for S4

Season 4 theories based off of leaked info, pics, and s4 video store friday clues:

The main holidays and time frame this season will revolve around Will’s birthday, Easter, and Spring break. (but I think the season could also show a several month span)

Time moves faster in upside down. (when Will sees the mind flayer in s2 outside his door, the clock is ticking abnormally fast and would also explain how Will survived a week alone in the upside down), and the clocks also represent memories. "Turning back the clock" I think Flashbacks will be frequent.

I think El will be having “flashbacks” to her time in the lab, but as if she is visiting a past time through the void/upside down, essentially time travel “flashbacks”. Maybe El can look into the future as well? (I think visiting past times through the void/upside down will be frequent this season, possibly looking into the future as well)

I think Gov. Officials paid to re-locate the Byers to California to keep a low profile for them. There is no way on earth Joyce can afford that house by herself.

Will gets a new haircut (bts pics) and Mike definitely notices it. Will's appearance is different, maybe some manner differences too. Will might be going through an ‘emo’ phase (like mike in s2, which follows the even odd season pattern again) or becoming more like Jonathan- like being more into indie/alt things.

Satanic panic sweeps Hawkins. The hellfire club is teased and ridiculed for being ‘satanists’

Something big happens and the military/gov. is brought in to cover things up and address the situation

Max is depressed. Her stepdad left her and her mom, and her mom is drinking. They are having money problems. She and Lucas are rocky.

The Russian prison is basically Russia’s version of Hawkins lab

Nancy and Robin team up to investigate Victor Creel at Penthurst Mental Hospital and the mysterious deaths/disappearances currently happening in the town, especially Chrissy's

Peter Ballard is not to be trusted

El and Will are being bullied at their new school

Jonathan will start smoking weed with his new bff Argyle, and he will be resistant at first.

Jonathan and Nancy are having problems doing long distance

Eddie sells drugs to chrissy, and she will dies but not from the drugs, but from something to do with the upside down and this is how they cover it up. This will create a conflict within the Hellfire club (Eddie, Mike, Dustin, etc)

Jason (Chrissy's BF) will blame Eddie for Chrissy's death.

Vickie will be Robin’s love interest. (She follows Maya, they are both in band, leaked audition tape shows her talking to Robin)

Lucas will be slightly popular because he joins the basketball team. He will be torn between his new, cool, basketball friends and the party. Once he notices something weird is going on, he will go back to the party more.

Joyce and Murray team up about finding Hopper.

We will learn more about Hopper’s past and the boxes in his cabin (Vietnam, Dad, New York). Probably flashbacks to younger him.

There will be flashbacks to young Joyce and we will learn more about her side of the family and her past. We might get some flashbacks to young Joyce, Hopper and Lonnie in High school, if they do actually do this.

We will learn more about what happened to El in the lab, what happened in the rainbow room, what really happened to Brenner, the other test subjects, etc.

El’s mom will return? Kali also might return?

Will is prob gonna be suffering again, (when is he not), maybe flashbacks to his time in the upside down relating to how time moves faster there. I think he might have his own kind of storyline surrounding his "powers"

Will and El will probably be closer in s4. Maybe something weird happens in California that prompts them to discuss the upside down. They are the two most powerful characters and the only ones who know that much about the upside down yet they have never talked

I think Max will be a central character in the hawkins storyline and discovering whats going on in the town

Jonathan might lose hope for his NYU dream, maybe by trying to help Joyce pay the bills.

Something major happens to El based on that leaked video of her photo double in a stretcher, but that could just be speculation.

Several new characters will die, I don't know who from the main cast will die. I hope not any of my favorites :(

[sadreturn]

essential, eternal, impossible to put into words how about, "2012"?

i just had the most vivid and psychologically/developmentally impactful memory come from the deepest recesses of my reptilian brain when i was pissing regarding this song

it's so 2012

around 2010-2012, 2013, lil bit of 2014 and sparingly after that i spent most of my life on xbox live and slowly transitioned to /mu/ more and more from 2012 on

so around the era of 2010-2012 i had a very, very tight-knit and important group of online friends on xbox live whom i spent as many waking hours as physically possible talking to and playing with online

they were just random guys i met in various matches and games and we all somehow came together to form a large group and we were such amazingly good friends like it felt so strong and powerful a friendship online and it was kind of my first experience with online friendship like that pre-/mu/ friends, pre-fucking e-dating, pre-skype chats and last.fm messages and rym friends and discord chats

there were a few guys i remember so well and it makes me really melancholy to think about now, there was this one specific friend i had and i think his name was Dustin

and every day we would just happen to always come online at the same time due to our school schedules

and we would just send an invite to a game and a private chat with no context or message and it was so automatic and consistent

and we shared the most personal and unbelievably raw and embarrassing things over the course of a few years of playing together basically daily

it was so strange to know someone so well through a medium like that but i felt such an intense link with this guy specifically and it was one of the best friendships we ever had

the way this ties into the Shit Twins song is that around that era, 2012 i had gotten super into emo like Snowing and shit and that song Shit Twins was the best song i'd ever heard and my favorite for a very long time

and i showed him that song and he immediately felt as strongly as i did about it and it was like this weird online link and the song connected us in such a way that it felt like an actual physical bond through an internet connection

and we would talk about and jokingly sing or reference parts of that song, Shit Twins, constantly and for some reason i was so ecstatic to be able to share a song like that with someone who appreciated it as intensely as i did and it may seem dumb and minor but it was some of the most psychologically formative times in my 15-year-old brain and it had a permanent impact on how i grew and developed as a person, both me and this friend i had online named Dustin or something the same age and the very same as me somewhere across the country

it's hard for me to ever compare something even remotely similar to that because though i have had similar online connections of course i've never had something as vivid and personal and bizarrely real a feeling as that through the internet alone

the thing is we even added each other on facebook at some point, but i think somewhere along the way we lost each other

around 2013 and 2014 we both started playing less and less and began focusing more on our lives and other aspects of them

and somehow we lost the thread of contact and one day he didn't sign in as he normally did daily at the same time as me

and i actually remember sending him messages consistently

as he began to be offline for a few days

..then a week or two

...then a month

and months went by as i continued to message him every so often asking if he was ok

and he never signed in again

this is really sad to think about

i loved that guy and i don't really have high hopes of ever being able to contact him again for the rest of my life

people subtly and abruptly just slipping out of the narrative of your life, especially when they're extremely significant people to you and your development over the course of literal years

it's like the quintessential representation of the Portuguese concept of "Saudade"

“Saudade is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. One English translation of the word is missingness, although it might not convey the feeling of deep emotion attached to the word "saudade". Stronger forms of saudade might be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing, moved away, separated, or died.”

this word is highly important to express this feeling for which no word in English exists, it's unlike any other feeling of melancholy or longing or nostalgia because it's all of it wrapped up into one feeling plus a million other things sprinkled in

...anyway

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