#based on the thing we plotted yesterday because this was the perfect opportunity

[yunzaga]

Creative Writing Outputs (1st Quarter)

Seatwork #1: Story

The Other World

Once upon a time, a girl named Jhia who bump into an old mirror and form a shimmering portal. Suddenly, after she entered the portal she fell from the sky and landed into the river unconsciously. The creatures in that mysterious world saw it, and they immediately run to her. Another hour have passed when Jhia woke up, she felt her head ache and she's so a man beside her named Max holding her hand and when he saw Jhia awake she started to tell her everything about Jhia's identity in the world. Together, they decided to find a way to survive because Jhia is the key to stop the evilness in the world. Then, after what they have been through, Jhia realize that she is not a normal person anymore, Jhia decided that to defeat the evilness they need to sacrifice Jhia's soul. It went well except when Max sacrifice himself instead of Jhia. It was not in the plan but Max wanted to protect Jhia as well as their world, so Jhia took the opportunity to go with him into the darkness. This was were they fought against the evilness where the villain is their own desire. Therefore, after they went through the managed to escape the darkness after desire by facing the truth and courage after the journey, Max hug her and told her "you need to go thank you i will never ever forget you my Jhia" Jhia woke up beside the broken mirror, it was a dream...just a dream.."Max".

In this activity, we create a story based on our imagination. I enjoyed doing this activity because it doesn't have criteria; we don't follow a certain structure in creating a story. But instead, we feel free to decide whatever we want to do in the plot or flow of the story. There, I create a fantasy story where there is a girl who suddenly fell into the magical world and met her faith.

Seatwork #2: In yellow pad

Seatwork #3: Letter

This activity is the one that recalled all the things that I did before. We are supposed to create a letter to someone or loved ones, yet there I am putting my crush on the letter. I decided to blurred it for privacy. While doing the letter, I remembered my old days, and then I realized that I was that happy before, just in my lovely era of myself. Enjoying teenage life while admiring someone, I can say in this activity that it was perfect, as I got a perfect score too.

Seatwork #4: Pov

As of this hour, my classmates are busy making their own stories. Christel is still busy designing her paper while Tadia on my left is in the middle of her work. Ask the time goes by, most of my classmate are still thinking of what they are going to do. In the silent room filled with pc students, there is a voice from the other side of the room, a teacher discussing about philippine politics.

Yesterday, as my friends walking down the stairs, Christel suddenly jumped off and bump her head into the wall. She told Chelsea that she got a lump on her head and they laughed as she holds her head. While Leah did not laugh and help her instead. As they reach the classroom the immediately told Chlowee what happened to Christel's head and she also tease her for being clumssy.

In this activity, I created my pov; we are going to make our own pov based on the situation we are in. I did third person view where I was describing what I saw and interpreting it. This activity makes me wonder that pov's are part of our life; if we pay attention, we can note our actions.

Output #1: Acrostic

J-ust being myself is enough,

A-nd adjusting myself is tough,

S-ociety is a big bluff

M-yself is what I core about,

I-do not want to be a clout,

N-o more sooral clout in the crowd

After I finished this activity, I realized that even though my name is simple and common, I still can make it unique in my own way. While doing this acrostic, I find it amusing because it made me think creatively. At first it was challenging, but through the process it was fun and entertaining to do.

Output #2: Haiku

White rose in a style

Filled with a tons of flowers

Once blooms in a while

In this activity, we are going to make a poem called "Haiku." It contains 3 lines, and 5-7-5 is the arrangement of the syllables. It was about nature, and I remembered that I took a picture of a bouquet of white roses, so I grabbed the opportunity and used it. We're supposed to connect the poem to the picture, and gladly I got a perfect score in this activity.

Output #3: Lyric Poem

Regret

In the silent night, I often ponder,

The choices I have made, I now wonder. Each decision, a path is not taken,

Leaves me with pain, a longing for token.

Yearn for the days when I was young and free.

Yet the chains of regret keeps hunting me.

In every word I speak, each step I take, Leads to the wrong choices that I wake.

In this activity, we did a lyric poem where we were going to create lyrics that have the structure of a poem. This time I chose regret as my theme because, when creating my poem, it always related to me to make it easier. While doing this poem, it made me realize my past actions that I regret, the decisions I create that failed.

Output #4: Tanaga

Ang kabutihang asal

Ay inyong ipairal

Kayo'y wag maging hangal

Sa inyong minamahal

This tanaga poem is the easiest among the activities that we make, it has 4 lines and 7 syllables in all. It only took me 5 minutes to make, and I did enjoy it. It relates to a moral behavior that everyone should do. 

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

Angsty idea: the Constructs CAN'T come clean. They want to, since they're starting to feel guilt, but the Disk sees an opportunity, and it's not letting its creations blow this chance because they've started to feem. So they are physically incapable of admitting to the swap. (So they are physcially incapable of admitting they're not real-and when one tried to force the issue, their lungs stopped working for ten seconds.)

[ Anonymous: (Between the Constructs, who do you think would start to feel guilty about the charade, and who's want to revel the truth to save themself from re-assimilation?) ]

see that's an interesting question because it requires thinking about what the constructs are actually. like, when they aren't trying their best to be perfect simulacra of the people they're meant to impersonate. if the constructs were made based on other people's mental images of the subjects, with the intention of passing as them, it's probably a personality based on what other people perceive them to be like, vs. anything to do with their actual internal life, something they have no understanding of. and naturally, the less well the people they're in contact with actually knew protag and ingo, the less accurate that's going to be.

this is actually a really interesting question if we consider where their first impressions come from—since i'd assume whichever impression they were initially given is the one that imprints most heavily, even if they continue to hone the personality via other people. so, if it is in fact barry and emmet who are necessary for the copies to be created, their personalities are going to be very accurate, if a little rose-tinted (because naturally their childhood friend/fucking twin knows them better than almost anyone). on the contrary, if sada/turo is the one who gives the initial impression, that personality is going to be very skewed indeed, because the professor doesn't know hardly anything about a unovan subway boss and a kid champion from sinnoh other than what's been on like, the news.

it's also possible that their personality is, especially the beginning, an extreme chameleon that shifts moment-to-moment to be a perfect reflection of whatever their conversation partner expects. but i imagine they'd eventually settle into something more concrete from person to person. we also have to keep in mind that while they're very good mimics, they were also functionally born yesterday and are still learning a lot of things.

so the protagonist-copy is brazen and fearless, but also childish at times, y'know, the kind of person who makes international news at 12 for foiling an apocalypse plot. maybe the professor fills in the gaps with pieces of nemona or arven, depending on how well you think they know either of them. they're lacking the true protag's people-pleasing nature and deep, all-consuming love of pokemon. the professor knows even less about ingo, so the ingo-copy is much more of just like, a blank shell before emmet comes along. he's professional and serious, but lacks a lot of the enthusiasm he used to have (since the initial impression of him is mostly just based off photographs and his appearance), and has "forgotten" a lot of the minutia he used to know, especially about running the subway.

i think construct ingo might crack first, because ingo is known to his friends as someone who is very honest, at times to his detriment—he might understand that keeping secrets is the better course of action but he just cannot lie to people. so the construct, copying that, would have a really hard time keeping up the charade and would probably pick up some of the radiating guilt from that trait. protag, on the other hand, is able to coast on "people are happy i'm here and would be sad if i told them the truth"—which ironically makes them even more scared of being reassimilated because if they go away all protag's friends will be sad again!

[industrymademonster]

“You don’t look so bad yourself.”

Harry looked the other man up and down, lips quirking up into an intrigued smirk. “Cute, and a flirt? I like where this is going already.” Sure, Prince James was currently his target, but the newly appointed leader of the kingdom’s most active crime syndicate didn’t see the harm in flirting a bit before he made his move. This was a masquerade ball, after all. The time for daggers and hostility could come later, away from prying eyes.

“Are your parties always this extravagant?” he asked, keeping the tone of their conversation light for now.

[lils-writes-stuff]

The Lesson

Spencer Reid x reader

Best Years Season 2 part four | part three | part two | part one | season one

summary: the week that changed everything

warning: normal criminal minds things, angst, sadness, gore, fun stuff

A/N: based on season 8 episode 10; you’re all going to hate me, im sorry, i promise it gets better the is the storm before the rainbow

 The cool Georgia air hit Y/N’s face as she stepped out of her rental car. The scene in front of her seemed so foreign after years of being away. Her childhood home stared her down as she stood in its driveway. She almost didn’t want to go in. Every time she saw her mom, she came to visit her. So the last time she was truly home, was almost six years ago. 

 She walked up to the front door, duffel bag in one hand and the other raised to knock. However, that wasn’t needed, because her mom swung the door open the minute she saw her. 

 “Y/N!” She exclaimed, wrapping her in a tight, motherly hug.

 “Hi Mom,” she whispered, her cheeks squished against her mother’s shoulder. 

 “Come in, come in,” she ushered her daughter into the house. Y/N looked around the home she once called her own. The walls were a lighter color then she remembered and there was new furniture and decorations scattered throughout. 

 “So I have it all planned out, I know you’re only here for a couple of days, but tonight, you’re aunt and uncle are coming over for dinner, along with some of our friends. Them for the other two days we can do whatever you want.” Her mom was standing on the opposite side of the island from Y/N, a smile absorbing her face as she looked at her daughter. 

 Y/N just looked at her mom, a watery smile on her face. She wasn’t upset at all though, she was just so happy to see her mom again. 

 “What’s wrong, sweetie?” Her Mom walked to the other side of the counter. 

 “Nothing, Mom, I just am so glad to see you,” she whimpered. 

 Her mom gave her the same watery smile and wrapped her in another hug. 

 The two sat in the kitchen, coffee cups in hand, laughing about her mom’s stories at her restaurant she worked at. Y/N told stories of the team and how much they loved her mom from her visits up there. 

 “So have you done it yet?” Y/N’s mom asked, pointing to her left hand. 

 “No, not yet.” 

 “Why not?” 

 “I don’t know, I just haven’t found the right time I guess,” Y/N shrugged.

 “Well, I think that when you get back you should just do it.” Her mom laughed taking another sip of her coffee. “You talk about how perfect he is and me and London are waiting in anticipation for that call, so just do it. The next time you see him.” 

 “We’ll see mom, we’ll see.” 

------------

 It had been two days since Y/N had left to go home for a visit. After the night where Spencer gave her the idea, she waited about three weeks before actually executing it. Spencer kept pushing her to go, telling her the team could survive without her. So she finally went. 

 “You know, now I know how you felt when I was gone on your leave,” Spencer laughed during his confession. His phone was pressed against his ear as he passed back and forth in their living room. 

 “Oh yeah, but I learned to survive, how are you holding up?” Y/N asked through the phone. She stood in the kitchen of her childhood home, leaning on the island with her coffee sitting in front of her. “And besides it’s only been like what? Three days?” 

 “Two days twelve hours and thirty-six seconds,” Spencer corrected. 

 “Ah, forgive me. And here I thought you didn’t miss me at all, clearly, you do.” 

 Spencer chuckled at her remark, “So much.”

 “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I miss you too,” Y/N admitted. “And my mom misses you too, she says that we both need to come down here and visit together sometime.” 

 “I think that’d be fun,” Spencer said.  

 “Hey, Spence, so listen I was thinking when I get back we could go out to dinner, you know like a fancy restaurant maybe?” Her voice was hesitant at her request. Her heart pounded in anticipation as she waited for Spencer’s answer. 

 “Sure, that sounds great. Rossi was telling me about this great Italian place yesterday that we could go too,” Spencer responded. His mind raced at the thought of them going, knowing it would be the perfect opportunity to ask her the question he’s been waiting for. 

 “Perfect,” she responded. He could see her do her little jump of excitement through her voice. 

 Spencer was quiet for a second and looked up at the larger than average sized clock in the living room. He was late. Then his phone pinged, pulling it away from his ear, he saw the message from Penelope about a case.

 “Damn it,” he muttered. “Y/N, I’m late and we’ve got a case, I love you, I’ll talk to you later?” He rushed around the apartment, grabbing all his items and go-bag so he could head out the door. 

 “Yeah, sounds good bub love you too,” she responded. 

 “Bye.” 

 Spencer pocketed his phone quickly and rushed for the door of the apartment. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of the black box he left out. Quickly, he picked it up and put it in his satchel. He opened the door and rushed to make it to Quantico in time. 

 “Sorry I’m late, guys, I had an appointment,” Spencer rushed, taking his bag off and sitting in his chair. 

 “Uh-huh, did this appointment have to do with a Dr. Y/N Y/L/N, who you so dearly miss,” Derek teased, making kissy faces at Spencer.

 Spencer muttered a small ‘shut up’ and pulled the file on the table closer to him. 

 “Alright let’s get started,” Hotch said as he quickly entered the room. 

 Maybe I wasn’t as late as I thought, Spencer thought to himself. 

 “Yeah, okay,” Penelope said, standing up from her chair. “Three days ago, Bruce Phillips was found dead with his blond hair dyed black. He had been put in a box and left on a busy street.”

 “A custom-made box,” Rossi noted as the picture of the box came up on the screen. 

 “Maybe our unsub was a carpenter,” Blake posed, twiddling with a pen in her hand. 

 “He stuffed him in there practically folding him in half,” Derek added. 

 Spencer looked at the pictures of the man in the box. His legs bent and broken at the knee and his head leaned back against the box. 

 “He had also been hung and restrained and that’s where the plot thickens like a bad soup,” Penelope explained as she pulled up the next two victims. “Yesterday, Justin Marks and Connie Foster, who were dating, they went missing two miles away from the first abduction site.” 

 “A couple? He’s escalating,” JJ remarked at the new information. 

 “Yes, this morning Justin’s body was found. He had been hung, he had been stuffed in a box in an alley. Officers say his brown hair had been dyed black. Connie is still missing,” Penelope continued. 

 “So he probably still has her,” JJ said. 

 “Why would he reject Justin overnight but keep the first male victim for two days?” Derek asked, not understanding the escalation. 

 “Something about him didn’t work,” Rossi responded, looking up from his file to the TV with the victims. “Look at his neck. He was hung multiple times.” 

 “The question is, what does he do with Connie?” Blake asked.

 “He could make her watch him abuse the men or have asphyxiated sex with them,” Spencer posed a theory. 

 “Well, a brunette male and a woman are crucial to this guy's fantasy,” Derek said. 

 “Well he’s kept Connie, maybe she’s the object of his desire,” JJ said. 

 “Well, our first order of business is finding her and then making sure he doesn’t do this again.” Hotch closed his file and stood up. “Wheels up in thirty.”

----------------

 Spencer sat on the coach of the jet, his head resting on the backside of his hand as his eyes followed the clouds that rolled beneath them. He thought about all the ways the dinner with Y/N could go, his fear of rejection showing itself as he thought about her saying no. But then he thought of her saying yes, a smile shining bright on her face and it allowed some of his anxiety to wash away. 

 Still, he was nervous. Penelope and JJ had tried to reassure him many times that she would say yes, even Blake thought so, but he was still scared. But isn’t everyone when they’re about to propose? 

 “Alright let’s go over victimology,” Hotch said, gaining everyone’s attention.

 Spencer peeled his eyes away from the window and back towards the group. 

 “Both male victims had their hair dyed black, and the woman is a brunette,” Hotch began the topic. 

 “The guys are similar, same ages, same builds,” Blake added. 

 “Hey were also abducted outside their homes, which were all in the same area,” Rossi continued. 

 “So they were probably being stalked,” Derek noted.

 “Was Connie with her boyfriend when she was abducted?” Spencer asked quickly. 

 “It looks that way,” JJ answered, then began to read from the file. “Her purse was found on the ground outside of his house.”

 “So this involves some kind of ruse,” Derek said.

 “It’s difficult to lure most people from the security of their own homes,” Spencer added, not sure about the ruse thing. 

 “Well, some people let their guard down,” Blake countered. 

 For some reason, Spencer started to become very defensive about this. “Yeah, but stalking victims vary their routes home. They enter and exit through different doors, they wear disguises. They don’t talk to anyone in their driveway. They hardly talk to anyone at all, They’re-they’re terrorized.”

 Okay, maybe he shouldn’t have gotten so worked up about that. But he couldn’t help but spew the stuff he had learned about victims of stalking onto everyone. He couldn’t help that instinctive feeling inside of him. 

 The team looked at him, confused and shocked gazes on their faces. They did not expect that outburst from him.

 “Okay, so maybe they were followed, Reid,” Derek said in hopes to have him back down his front he was putting up. “I mean, the bottom line is the unsub escalated. The first male was abducted alone, the second was with his girlfriend.” 

 “We, what do we know about her?” JJ asked, hoping to find some new information to help them. 

 “Connie was in her thirties, baked cakes for a living, she never had a run-in with the law,” Blake answered. 

 “Assuming he kept her, what’s the reason?” Rossi posted the new question. 

 “She’s the necessity, somehow she fits into his fantasy,” Blake replied. 

 “And so far, that need may be what’s keeping her alive,” Hotch added.

 “So what we know is that we have an unsub with a fantasy or a deep desire that requires the man to look a specific way,” Derek said, going over what they so far had. 

 “Since he rejected Justin so quickly, he’s probably looking for a replacement as we speak,” Spencer added.

--------------

 The doors of the elevator opened with a ding as Y/N reached the sixth floor of the FBI academy building. When she stepped out, a hand grasped tight on the strap of her bag, she was met with the familiar smell of coffee and paper. She had made it back earlier that day,the apartment her and Spencer shared empty when she arrived. So, not being able to deal with the quiet again, she decided to head to the office. 

  She was supposed to be in Georgia for another day, but when she heard there was a case, she really couldn’t help but come back. Her mom understood, she would have been leaving in the morning anyway. So before she went to the airport, Y/N visited her brother's grave like she had intended to do. 

 She stood about ten feet away from the headstone, fear of stepping on his body in the ground made her stomach turn. She told him all about her job and how proud she thought he’d be of her. How Derek had become an older brother to her when she moved up there. And she told him about Spencer. All about how she was planning on proposing to him and how excited she was to do it. 

 “Hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow?” Penelope’s question brought Y/N out of her memory. 

 “Oh yeah, but I heard there was a case and I was leaving in the early morning tomorrow so I just decided to catch an earlier flight,” Y/N answered, pulling her lips into a line. 

 “Oh, so you get to hang out with me on this one!” Penelope excitedly took Y/N’s hand and pulled her to her office. 

 “So catch me up to speed,” Y/N said as she sat in the extra swivel chair in Penelope’s office. 

 Penelope explained everything she did to the team before they left and added in the details of what they told her so far on their victimology. With only some of the broader picture told to her, she was able to fill in the rest of the victimology herself.

 “How was Georgia?” Penelope asked after she finished typing on her computer. 

 “It was good, got to hang out with my family, go visit some old friends, wasn’t too exciting,” YN said, her eyes still trained on the tablet in her lap as she looked at the photos of the case. 

 “Cool,” Penelops’s eyes wandered the office. “ So, did you figure out how you’re going to propose to Spencer?” 

 “Ah, so that’s why you’re making small talk,” Y/N laughed, closing the tablet now. “Yes, I have. When they get back from the case, we’re going to go to dinner and I’m going to ask him.” 

 “Oh my gosh, can I be there? No, that’d be weird he’d be suspicious. But I want to see his reaction and you’re reaction and-” 

 “Garcia-” Y/N put her hand up to have her stop rambling- “You will see tons of pictures, and I am sure you are going to convince Rossi to throw some sort of party.” 

 “Good point, Penelope whispered. “I probably will have that done.” 

-----------

 “I’ve been getting lame GSWs, a few bus crash victims, but a hanging? This is fun,” The M.E., Dr. Cross, said to Rossi and Spencer after she brought them over to the body. “You think it was sexual?”

 “Not in the traditional sense,” Rossi responded, slightly weirded out from the woman's excitement. 

 “Well, look-” she pointed to the victim’s body- “there are numerous ligature marks on the neck, indicating he was hung multiple times. The ones without abrasions were probably made by something soft, like fabric.” 

 “Any idea how long it went on for?” Spencer asked, looking up from the victim's body to Cross.

 “Based on the different varying coloration of the bruising, I’d say about twelve hours,” Cross answered, then pointed to another mark on the body. “This ligature mark with the abrasion is the final one.” 

 She moved the light in her hand down the neck of the victim to point out what she found next. “There’s an inverted ‘V’ in the back. He was hung with a leather strap or belt, which is what killed him. Oh, we also found ketamine in his system.”   

 When Cross mentioned the final hanging, Spencer stood up from his hunched position and walked over to the x-rays on the light board. 

 “Well, ketamine acts quickly, so he must have used a ruse to get close to our victim,” Rossi said. 

 “Look at this,” Spencer held up the x-rays, “The bones were perfectly disjointed.”

 “Could have dislocated from the fall after hanging or when he shoved him in the box,” Rossi said, trying to give some ideas as to why they were dislocated. 

 “Well, actually, the bones were dislocated antemortem.,” Cross corrected. Her attention quickly advertised the two men wheeling in the next victim. “Oh,” she gasped excitedly. “Goody, overtime.” 

 “Can you check to see if the bones were dislocated in the same way?” Spencer asked her as she walked over to the next victim.

 She pulled the sheet back on the victim. Her hands reached for his arm to check the dislocation. “Yep, the same way.” She removed her hands from the body then crossed them. “This guy’s sicker than my last girlfriend.” 

 Rossi turned to look at Spencer. “The question is, why is he doing this?”

------------

 Y/N sat with Penelope in her office still, she wasn’t really planning on leaving though, since the rest of the team was away. She held one of Penelope’s many figurines in her hand, this one was a small unicorn that squished. While it was very childish, Y/N couldn’t help but be entranced by the object. 

 “Oh yay, we have a call,” Penelope said as she answered the phone. “Garcia and Wonder woman at your service.” 

 “Can you find anyone in the area that might sell or rent medieval torture equipment?” Hotch asked, getting straight to the point as usual. 

 “Besides a friend of mine in a knitting group?” Penelope asked jokingly.

 “Try S&M suppliers, we’re looking for a stretching rack,” Rossi elaborated. 

 “Spanking the keys as we speak,” Penelope began typing. 

 “Ew,” Y/N said in disgust with Penelope’s phrase.

 “Don’t worry they like it,” Penelope reassured her. “Okay, I have cross-checked stretching equipment with S&M equipment and I found something that stretches something…”

 “I don’t think this is something that we’re looking for,” Y/N said as she looked at the photo. Her head turned at the item in confusion. “How does that even work?” 

 “Maybe he made his own,” Spencer’s voice was heard as he came up with the new idea. 

 “That would be pretty elaborate,” Rossi remarked.

 “Okay, me and Y/N will keep looking, we’ll get back to you soon,” Penelope said, her pen hovering over the hang-up button. 

 “Hang on Garcia,” Hotch stopped her from hanging up. “Y/N when did you get back?” 

 “Couple hours ago sir, I caught an earlier flight home,” Y/N responded. She hoped Hotch wouldn’t say anything about her being back earlier, she knew Spencer would call her later about it though. 

 “Alright, hit us back when you get something.”

 “Will do,” Y/N said and then Penelope hung up. 

-

 “I thought you said she wasn’t coming back until tomorrow?” Hotch looked at Spencer. 

 “I thought so too,” Spencer replied, having no clue that she was home early. 

 “I just went to the latest abductee’s home,” Derek said as he walked up to the three standing in the conference room. “Not only did our unsub use fake blood in some kind of ruse, but the front porch security cameras were also disconnected right before the abduction.”

 “So he cased the site,” Rossi observed from the information Derek had given. 

 “Well, it’s residential streets-- a lot of people coming and going, that’s high-risk behavior,” Derek mentioned.

 “Yeah, the unsub didn’t care. He needed him and it was worth the risk,” Hotch added. 

------------

 Spencer peeled the tissue paper inside the box they found back. It’s light airy pink color contrasted with the dark horror inside. 

 “The box is wrapped this time,” Spencer said as he looked at balled up tissue paper. 

 “What is this, a gift?” Detective Marks asked. 

 Spencer pulled back some of the tissue paper from the top. He pulled back about four pieces before the face of the latest victim was revealed. The man that had been taken the day before. 

 “His natural hair color is black and still he kills him,” Hotch remarked as Spencer pulled more pieces of paper away. “And, look, no neck wounds.” 

 “Then how did he die?” Marks asked. 

 “Maybe he bled out,” Hotch suggested.

 “Or he fell from something,” Spencer argued as he examined the body more. “Look at his hands. He bored holes through the hands that ripped, and then he moved them to the wrist.” 

 “Reid, check the feet,” Hotch ordered, getting a hunch on what it could be. 

 Spencer pulled the victim’s shoe back, seeing the same type of hole. 

 “Stigmata?” Spencer asked as he had a theory forming. 

 “Hanging and then crucifixion,” Hotch explained the meaning of the word for the detective. 

 “So this has to do with religious beliefs,” Marks said. 

 “Maybe he just found a new way to torture them?” Spencer suggested. 

 “And still he’s keeping Connie. Something about her is working,” Hotch said.  

 Spencer’s eyes kept on the body. He went over every detail in his head, comparing it with the other bodies. Then he came up with a hit. 

 “Hotch look-” Spencer pointed to the jeans on the victim- “These are the exact same jeans that victim number two was wearing. Look at the trim.” 

 Spencer reached his hand into the box, pulling on the color of the shirt the victim had on. When he pulled it around enough, he could clearly read the tag. “Bonner Brothers. Is that a local store?” 

 “About five miles, half thrift store, half yuppie mart,” Marks answered.

 “I’ll have JJ and Morgan check it out after we give the profile,” Hotch said. 

------------

 “Okay, so we’re looking for a white male, at least thirty due to the sophistication of the crimes,” Y/N began to deliver the profile to Penelope. She sat in the swivel chair behind her, her head leaning on its back. She held a pink pen in her hand as she twiddled with it to keep her somewhat entertained. 

 “He’s torturing his victims. From what I’ve discussed with the team, he’s trying to perfect a delusion, which he’s failed. Three times.”

 Penelope sat, her hands laying on her thighs as she listened intently to the profile. She only usually got a small paper description to help her search parameters, so it was really cool for her to see a profiler at work.

 “With most delusions like this, the reality never lives up to the unsubs expectation.” 

 “That is the truth with anything though,” Penelope commented on Y/N’s last statement. 

 “Yeah, anyway, his fantasy involves the torture and stretching-”

 “Okay, you can skip that part, my perfect, pure, and gore free office space doesn’t need that,” Penelope said, holding up her hands to stop Y/N and her face contorting in disgust. 

 “Okay,” Y/N laughed before she continued. “Before he kills them, the unsub fixes their hair and paints their nails. The last victim he escalated to crucifying him, I’ll spare you the details of that. Crucifixion was used for serious crimes, so the unsub probably believes that his victims have wronged him.”  

 Y/N sat back in her chair, making it spin in circles as she kept thinking. “Something isn’t working though in his fantasy, because he keeps discarding the men…”

 Y/N stopped the chair and grabbed the tablet off the table beside her. She pulled up the picture of the latest victim in the box. “He kills them, then ritualistically places them in a box with tissue paper, which is weird.” 

 “Why is it weird?” Penelope asked, on the edge of her seat like Y/N was reading her some sort of novel and was reaching the climax. 

 “Well his initial behavior dehumanizes them, so it means his victims he values more when they’re dead,” Y/N answered. She looked back down at the photos again. “But if he's keeping Connie, does that mean she’s dead and he is doing ungodly things that I shouldn’t even think of, or is she still alive?” 

 Penelope looked at Y/N with a puzzled look on her face, not knowing the answer to her questions.

 “I was asking myself, Pen,” Y/N eased Penelope’s thoughts.

 “Oh good.” 

-----------------

 After the team delivered the profile, Spencer had moved back to a quiet room to work in. Well, he wasn’t really focused on his work, he was worrying about proposing to Y/N. 

 All-day, the team had noticed his behavior. Of course, they would, they’re profilers. Spencer’s odd behavior on the plane, his constant whispering under his breath, and his nervous breaths.

  Blake took extra notice of this though, she had formed some sort of motherly bond with Spencer. And Spencer was glad to have it, she was someone he could relate to intellectually also so it was nice to have her to talk to. 

 Spencer sat in a small office, writing on some paper to help with his geo-profile. He was trying to narrow it down to an area where the unsub might be keeping his victims. He was hard at work, but his mind kept going back to Y/N. 

 She was all he could think about. His nerves from proposing, going over every possible way the evening could go. He couldn’t help himself but feel nervous. 

 “There you are,” Blake said as she saw Spencer in the room. “How's the geographical profiling going? And why are you doing it here?”

 “It’s going good. I’m just having trouble concentrating out there, is all, so I came in here.” Spencer gestured vaguely with his pencil around the room. He quickly looked back down to the map and continued to work. 

 “Hmm,” Blake hummed. “So what’s with you today?”

 “Hm,” Spencer said, not understanding what she meant. 

 “Is this about the black box in your bag?” 

 Spencer opened and closed her mouth, he really hadn’t told anyone about his plan to propose. Only JJ and Penelope. JJ because she’s his best friend and Penelope because she could help him find out what Y/N would like and she was also really close to him. “She asked me the other morning, for when she gets back, to go to dinner. And I-I decided that’s when I decided I’m going to do it.”

 “Awe, Reid,” Blake gushed. “She’s going to say yes, you know.”

 “I know, it’s just, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world to me, and I don’t want to mess it up,” Spencer confessed. “But what if she says no? What if she doesn’t want to marry me?” 

 “Spencer,” Blake scorned and then took a seat in the chair across from Spencer. “Why wouldn’t she say yes?”

 “Because I’m weird,” Spencer said. “I slouch, my hairs to long, she always has to fix my perpetually crooked tie-” 

 “Your hair’s fine.”

 “Really? Thanks, my mom thinks it’s too long and so does my Aunt Ethel,” Spencer admitted. 

 “Well, you’re not about to propose to them,” Blake laughed. 

 “I just don't want to ruin something so special, over something so trivial as looks.” Spencer was showing how insecure he was and it truly broke Blake’s heart. “She’s beautiful, Alex, she’s all I could ever ask for, inside and out. Her smile is contagious, her heart is so big, and her eyes sparkle.” 

 “Spencer, I think you’re excited but afraid,” Blake told him.

 Spencer nodded, agreeing with her.  

“But I have only known you two together for four months now, and the way she looks at you, with such love and adoration. Tells me she’s going to say yes,” Blakes gave him a serious face.  

 Spencer gave a half-smile, her words comforted him.

 “So don’t second guess yourself, just do it, because she is not going to say no,” Blake gave him one last word of encouragement.  

 “We’ll see.”

--------------

 “You know what’s crazy,” Y/N blurted into the quiet space of her and Penelope. 

 “What’s crazy?” 

 “The way that these victims were tortured. The dislocation seems so...moving? Like he wants to control them.” Y/N looked at the M.E. report. The dislocation just seemed odd and yet so familiar. 

 “Movement, control, crucifixion…” Y/N was muttering these words under her breath as she continued to think why she knew this case. It seemed like something she read before. A book? No. A Reddit scary story? Possibly. An old case? 

 “Penelope there was a case, uh around 2010 I think, I can’t remember the unsubs name but it had something to do with a woman drugging her victims and...oh and she dressed them up,” Y/N listed off what she could remember from the case file she read before she joined the BAU.

 “I think I remember that one, but let me look it up just to be sure.” Penelope began to type on her computer quickly and look up the case. “Here it is, Savannah Malcolm, thirty-two at the time of her arrest. She kidnapped and drugged women to look like a line of dolls due to a frontal lobe problem from electro-shock therapy prescribed by her father, who was a serial molester.”

 “Okay, the doll thing that’s what I’m looking for.” Y/N pulled her phone out and quickly scrolled to Spencer’s number. 

-

 “The M.E. just called, not only were ligature marks on victim three’s arms, but his jaw was dislocated as well,” Rossi said to Hotch after he hung up the phone. 

 “His jaw?” Spencer asked as he and Blake approached the two men. 

 “Why would you hang someone, dislocate their joints and their jaw, and then crucify them?” Hotch’s confusion was received all around by the group. 

 Spencer was thinking, long and hard. His eyes became focused on a Newton’s Cradle that sat on a deputy's desk. The wheels in his brain turned and he was so close to connecting them but he couldn’t find the last little bit. 

 “I can see your wheels turning, don't hold back,” Rossi said, bringing Spencer out of his head.

 “Maybe he’s dislocating their body parts so that he can manipulate them himself,” Spencer said, explaining to them what he was thinking. 

 As soon as Blake was about to ask a question, Spencer’s phone began to ring. He pulled it out of his back pocket and saw Y/N’s name light up the screen. 

 “Hey, Y/N, what’s up?” Spencer said when he answered his phone. 

 “Spence put me on speaker.” 

 “Okay, one sec.” He pulled the phone away from his ear and did as she told him. “You’re on speaker.” 

 “Savannah Malcolm,” Y/N said, confusing everyone in the room. 

 “What about her?” Hotch said as he recognized the name. 

 “She was a collector, she kidnapped women so that she could be a part of her doll collection she was missing. What if this guy has something like that, a male and female set of dolls, stuffed animals, even I don’t-”

 “Marionettes.” Spencer cut her off thinking the same thing she was. 

 “Yes! I know it’s crazy but-” 

 “No, no I see it,” Spencer agreed with her but when he looked around he could see the confusion on the other’s faces. “Think about it for a second. If you add the dislocation, the holes in the hands, the strange clothing, and the odd makeup, it sounds crazy, but our unsub could be turning our victims into human marionettes.” 

 “That makes sense, and it’s the best lead,” Rossi agreed, looking to Hotch who had a posing look on his face. 

 “The Greeks translated ‘puppets’ as ‘neurospasta’, which literally means string-pulling,” Spencer said as he gave more insight on the marionette theory. 

 “Oh and throughout time they’ve been used as a method to tell kings a story so the subjects didn’t have to speak to him directly,” Y/N piped in since she had some knowledge of the matter.

 Penelope looked over at her from her chair, a confused look on her face. 

 “What? I like history,” Y/N defended herself. 

 “She’s right,” Spencer said, a small sense of pride forming in his chest. 

 “It was a way to hear the truth,” Rossi said as he was taking in the information. 

 “It seems like this unsub is doing something similar. Using his puppets to tell his story,” Hotch added. 

 “He can’t be controlling them by hand,” Blake said as she thought about how the unsub would control two humans. 

 “No, he probably built some sort of contraption,” Hotch agreed. 

 “And he’s trying to lift his victims,” Spencer added.

 “That could explain why he discarded the men,” Rossi said as he looked at the victims’ charts. “They were too heavy.” 

 “Wait, Rossi what do you see?” Y/N asked, pushing her chair back so she could grab the copies of the victims’ charts she had. 

 “Well, I’m checking the licenses of our victims, and each weighed less than the previous one,” Rossi noted as he picked up each one to compare the weights. 

 “You know, if he’s making human marionettes, that also explains why he’s stuffing his victims into boxes,” Spencer said, his eyes bouncing between the three around him. “It’s like a sick toy chest.” 

 “So he is dehumanizing them,” Y/N noted.

 “But he’s not killing them, he’s turning them into his playthings,” Hotch said. 

 The four at the station turned as they heard steps approaching. 

 “A father and son were just abducted from a parking lot at gunpoint,” Detective Marks said when he reached them. “A witness saw a man force them into a car.” 

 “Dave, you and Blake go check it out,” Hotch ordered. “Garcia, you there.” 

 “Yes, sir,” Penelope piped up to be heard over Y/N’s phone. 

 “I need you to start looking for theater owners and puppeteers in the area,” Hotch said. 

 “Will do sir,” Penelope responded. 

 “We’ll hit you back with some results,” Y/N added and went to hang up the phone. 

 “Hey, Y/N wait,” Spencer said, pulling her off of speaker and putting his phone to his ear. 

 “Yeah, Spence,” she responded, doing the same as him. 

 “We're still on for dinner when I get back?” 

 “Of course, I already made the reservation.” 

-----------------

 “Okay there are five puppeteers/marionetters in the area,” Penelope said quickly, seeing as there were two new victims.

 “Any recently released from prison?” Hotch asked. 

 Penelope quickly typed into the search engine and got no results. 

 “No,” Y/N answered when she read the screen. 

 “Yeah, they’re all working kids’ parties and at hospitals,” Penelope added. 

 “What about someone who had a traumatic incident with a brunette girl?” Spencer gave a new set of parameters. 

 “That’s kind of specific,” Penelope muttered as she began to type. While she was typing, she got a call from JJ and Derek. “Hold on let me patch in JJ and Morgan.” 

 “Hey, we’re at the clothing store,” Derek’s voice said over the phone. “And we got the names of five people who left numerous messages for Tucker this week.”

 “Give them to me and Wonder Woman,” Penelope said, hands at the ready to work her magic. 

 “Alright, we got Sam Holby, Terrence Crammer, Vincent Lang, Matt Parker, and Jill Olger,” Derek said, reading off the names he found.

 Penelope typed swiftly on her keys, doing cross-checks with all the things she’s been given so far. “And no, and I’m cross-checking those with Hotch’s list of puppeteers. And no.” 

 “So I’ve got eight more names, some written on pads in the back, others are frequent customers,” JJ’s voice was heard next. 

 “All right,” Derek said to JJ. “Penelope we need you and Y/N to trace the phone lines here, too, see if this guy Tucker called the unsub today.”

-----------

 “How’s your vegetarian pad thai?” Y/N asked as she gathered more of her own food in her chopsticks. 

 “Amazing,” Penelope took another bite of her food. The phone began to ring. Penelope used the ends of her chopsticks to answer. 

 “Garcia,” Hotch’s voice was heard through the phone. 

 “Yes, sir,” Penelope answered, swallowing her food.

 “Were there any incidents involving a father and son in the puppeteers’ histories that you found?”  

  Penelope set down her box of noodles and began to type on her computer. “Father and son. Okay, no, it’s coming up empty.”

 “What about twenty or thirty years ago?” Rossi’s voice asked. 

 At the new parameters, Penelope got a hit. “Well, there was a pretty famous puppeteer in the late fifties, named Alex Rain.”

 “He died in a robbery,” Y/N read from the article on the screen. 

 “Yeah, his son witnessed it.” 

 “What was the son’s name?” Blake asked. 

 “Adam Rain, mom died ten years ago,” Penelope answered.

 “Cross-check Adam’s name with the names of the patrons in the clothing store,” Spencer ordered. 

 Penelope began to type again and a huge list of callers appeared on the screen. “Oh, I got a big ‘ole hit. Okay, so Mr. Rain called Tucker, the owner, forty times in the last month.”

 “Damn, I don’t think I even call my mom that much,” Y/N commented, taking another bite of her food. 

 “Yeah, check this-- his father was most well-known for a pair of puppets named Mitch and Steph, the male one had dark black hair, the female was a redhead.” The picture of the two puppets was on the screen as Penelope began to describe their features. 

 “And they’re creepy,” Y/N sang as her eyes widened at the picture. 

 “Do you have an address?” Rossi asked. 

 “Last known was a building on Pine Street, that used to be his father’s theater,” Penelope said as the information on Adam Rain came up on the screen. 

 “And guess what he drives,” Y/N said. 

 “A blue van, call us back in the car,” Hotch’s voice said as he began to walk out of the room. 

 When Penelope hung up the phone, the sound of her door opening startled them. Y/N instinctively reached for her gun on her belt and Penelope jumped. Walking into the room was Erin Strauss, her normal pristine self. 

 “Agent Y/L/N, may I speak with you in my office please,” Strauss said. 

 It wasn’t a question, it was an order. Y/N nodded and stood up from her chair. “I’ll be back,” she said to Penelope who just nodded absently, not sure what was going on. 

 When Strauss entered her office, Y/N followed a few paces behind her. She was very confused about what was happening at the moment. Strauss knew they were on a case and she wouldn’t pull her away unless it was important. 

 “Have a seat.” Strauss gestured to the chairs in front of her desk. 

 Y/N slowly walked over to the seat on the left, nervous about what was happening. “Okay, I’m going to be blunt, ma’am, what’s going on?”

 “Well, I really didn’t want to do this,” Strauss began with a sigh. 

 Y/N’s mind jumped to the worse. “I’m not fired am I?” 

 “Oh no,” Strauss reassured her. She was a bitch, but Y/N was too good of an agent to fire due to budget cuts. “When I asked you to move to fugitive task force, I was hoping you would say yes so we could use that as your cover.” 

 “My cover? For what?” 

 “A couple of months ago, there was a letter left here, it told about how someone in the FBI was being watched,” Strauss began to explain. “The Director and I wrote it off as a simple ‘trying to scare’ type thing. It wasn’t until later that we realized that wasn’t the case. We received another note, with very specific detail about how someone wanted to hurt not just this one person in the FBI, but their whole team.” 

 “Do you think this has to do with Caroline?” Y/N asked, curious if that was a road Strauss had traveled down and looked into. 

 “We looked into it, it’s not.” 

 Y/N let out a sigh of relief, glad she didn’t have to deal with her again. 

 “This unsub has been stalking a member of your team, the last letter we received was about someone in the BAU.” Strauss handed the letter to Y/N in its evidence bag.

 Y/N took the letter from her hand, looking over the neat handwriting. “Well, by the handwriting I can tell this is probably a female.” 

 “Yes, I also thought that. There’s one other thing, if you notice in the letter, she mentions everyone on the team except you.” 

 Y/N looked closely at the letter, reading over everyone’s name except hers. “Do you think I am the one she’s after.” 

 Great, not again, Y/N thought to herself. 

 “Well, that was my initial thought, but then we got a break,” Strauss said. “We found out that these letters were coming from a student who attends George Town, due to a series of mysterious suicides that we believe are connected to this. George Town is a school we frequently have guest speakers at, especially from the BAU.”  

 Now Y/N was beginning to catch on. “Except me, I have never guest spoken.” 

 “Yes. We are assuming this unsub has only done research on those who have spoken at the school. This is where you come in. I would like you to go undercover as a girl’s advisor to get some insight and hopefully find out who this unsub is.” 

 Y/N looked at Strauss with wide, surprised eyes. “Oh-uh-okay, is this a ‘you can if you want to?’ or a ‘this is what you’re doing now’ thing.”

 “A little of both, but I believe you are the best hope of finding out who this is with little to no injury involved.” 

 “How long would I be undercover for?” 

 “Depends on what you find and how close you’re getting.” Strauss leaned on her desk, seeing that Y/N’s last question prompted that she was interested.

 “Okay, and will I have contact with my team?” 

 The sigh Strauss let out was not giving to Y/N’s hope. “This is the part where I believe you were going to say no. You would start tonight if you say yes, you would get some things from your home, leave your cell phone with me, I give you a new one and you will have no contact with your team unless absolutely necessary for an extended period of time.” 

 “What determines this extended period of time?” 

 “Your findings within the first month.” 

 “So at least a month.” Y/N knew she had to do this, after everything the team did to help her with Caroline, she couldn’t let this unsub get to them. But what about Spencer, or JJ, or Penelope? This was a hard decision she had to make, but she knew she’d be back. 

 “Okay, I’ll do it. But on one condition.” 

--------------  

 Adam Rain had been caught. He had been in a coma for a long time due to a car accident. He had a Peter Pan syndrome where he woke up as a young boy again. 

 Spencer was bouncing on his toes. After his talk with Blake, he had found a new sense of confidence for the evening and he couldn’t wait to pop the question. He had the ring out the whole flight home, the box in his hands and absent mindedly played with it. He opened the box, admiring the ring he looked for for so long. It was simple, a thin gold band that had three small diamonds in a line on the top of the ring. It was perfect and he was so excited to give it to her. 

 The team arrived at Quantico that evening. Tired from the long case and excited to get home.  

 “Hey guys,” Penelope greeted everyone when they walked in the door. 

 “Hey Baby girl,” Derek greeted her, giving her a hug. When he pulled away he looked behind her and then back at her. “Where’s Wonder Woman?” 

 “I have no clue, I was hoping Boy Wonder knew because Strauss called her into her office earlier and I haven’t seen her since,” Penelope explained. 

 Spencer walked up to the two when he heard his nickname. “She hasn’t talked to me since we last called you.” 

 The three were now worried and confused, no knowledge of where Y/N was.

 “I can answer that for you,” Strauss’ voice was heard as she walked into the room. Her announcement gained everyone on the team’s attention. “Agent Y/L/N has been assigned to an undercover assignment by me, starting right after the meeting we had earlier today.” 

 The team stood shocked, some with wide eyes and others with slack jaws.

 “I’m sorry, what?” JJ asked strongly.

 “The case is strictly need to know, but she wanted me to tell you that is where she was so you wouldn’t have to worry about her running off or having you think she left you.” The last part of her announcement was directed to Spencer, who Y/N knew would need to hear that until he got home. 

 “Erin,” Rossi said, anger and annoyance rising in him. 

 “Dave, the decision has been made, she was the best person for this job. You will have no contact with her unless extremely necessary for at least one month-” Strauss held up her pointer finger- “She told me to tell you that this was an extremely hard decision for her to make but she needed to do it to protect lives.” 

 With that, Strauss gave a curt nod to Hotch and started to walk to his office. Hotch followed, his walk angry as she had pulled someone from his team without telling him first. 

 “Reid,” Penelope said when she looked over to the man in shock. 

 He stood still, mouth closed and eyes pricking with tears he wouldn’t let fall. The ring in his pocket felt heavy now, like it carried all the weight of the world that just left him. 

 “Spence,” JJ reached her hand to touch his shoulder. 

 Spencer jerked at the touch and began to walk away. “I need to get home.” 

 His whole trip home, his hope was that what had just happened was just some fever dream. It was all fake from his nerves over the past couple of days and he’d get home and she’s been on the couch waiting for him.   

 But when he walked in the door, he was met with a quiet empty apartment. He let out a breath. It sounded like a scoff almost, and then he wanted to start laughing. Because this was fucking hilarious and crazy.  

 This was crazy, Y/N was gone. 

 When he closed the door and flipped the light switch, the corner of his eye caught a glimmer. His head jerked in the direction of the sparkle. 

 Sitting on the table was a white sheet of paper, folded in half and ‘Spencer’ scrawled on the front of it. Beside it sat the gold band Y/N had gotten him. 

 Slowly, Spencer dropped his bags by the door and walked over the letter. He picked up the letter, not daring to touch the gold band that sat beside it. 

 “Dear Spencer: My love, my sweet angel, my bub, I know you’re very confused right now, I am too. As Strauss told you, I was pulled away on an undercover mission. Sadly I cannot tell you what this is about due to the fact I am liable not to and technically I wasn’t even supposed to write this letter to you but you know me, I couldn’t leave without leaving something for you.” 

 Spencer laughed, a small tear he let escape running down his face. Of course, Y/N wouldn’t leave without giving him a goodbye somehow.

 “I know it isn’t fair that I am leaving you a letter, and trust me I didn’t want to leave you one. You’ve been left too many from people leaving you-- Gideon, your dad. But here’s the one thing that’s different, I am coming back. After this is all over I will be back.” 

 Spencer’s lip quivered, not letting any tears be held back anymore. 

 “Tell the team that I love them and I’m sorry that I had to leave like this. I know they were all probably shocked and some were probably angry. Hell, I would understand if you were angry. I would be.” 

 Spencer was angry. He was angry that she was chosen for this, that she had to leave. 

 “So you’re probably wondering, ‘why is there a ring here?’. Well, tonight I was going to propose to you, and it was going to be so great. Penelope and I have been discussing it all day on my speech, the delivery, the whole nine yards. But I guess that won’t happen now, but if you want to hear about it then ask her, she’ll tell you.” 

 Spencer looked down at the ring. The simple gold band sat there and was screaming at him to pick it up. Like if he wore it, Y/N would be right beside him. 

 “I don’t know if you’ll wear it, but I left it as a promise to you. So you’ll know I’ll be back to marry you soon. That this is just a bump in our story, and the rest of if we will spend together.” 

 Spencer danced the ring between his thumb and index finger. He looked at it all around, noticing their initials on the inside. He smiled at them, making his heart soar at how thoughtful she was. 

 “So, technically I am not supposed to do this, but I can’t stand the thought of not being able to talk to you for a month. I’ve thought about the safest way to do this. It’s the same way I’d talk to London in college when Caroline was...anyway. At the end of this letter is the number of the cell Strauss gave me, it’s in code but I know you’ll figure it out quickly. I want you to go to a payphone, call the number, let it ring twice, hang up, and then wait for me to call back. It’s safe and we can only do it maybe three times a week just to be cautious.” 

 Spencer made extra sure to remember each step, already excited to use it so he could talk to her. 

 “I have to go now, Spence. I love you more than anything you’ll ever know. I found a quote that is fitting for when I was going to propose, so I’ll just leave it here: Thomas Merton once wrote, ‘Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone, we find it with another.’  See you soon, Y/N.” 

 At the end of the letter was the code for the number. It was easy for Spencer to decipher, he didn’t even need to write anything down. He took a mental note of the number and was ready to use it first thing in the morning. 

 He then looked back at the ring. He had set it back down at some point and picked it back up again. It sat in the palm of his hand. 

 He was almost scared to put it on now. Then he thought about her words, it’s a promise I’ll be back. With slow, cautious movements, Spencer slipped the band on his ring finger. The ring felt at home there and he had no plans of taking it off.  

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[infinitelytheheartexpands]

My laptop is currently updating, so while I have that working in the background, I wanted to share a series of six short, mostly-opera-inspired autobiographical narratives/prose poems I wrote last April and May:

I would kill to have some wine right now.

There is a bottle of red wine sitting on the kitchen counter. My father bought it when he went to the store the other day─ don’t ask me what day it was, I don’t remember, the days already blend together as is─ and I have considered pouring even just a little bit into a glass and downing it.

And then proceeding to throw the glass against the wall and shatter it.

I’ve been contemplating doing that a lot lately.

True, I would kill to have some wine, but if I did go ahead and pour even just a little bit into a glass, and down it, and possibly then proceed to throw the glass against the wall and shatter it, I would most likely be killed before I had the chance to kill.

Kill or be killed. We are all trying our very best to do neither these days, but it happens anyway.

I am sixteen years old. As I start writing this, I am nine days away from turning seventeen. For me, alcohol consumption is thus not only not approved by the Parents, but also illegal. But then again, so is voting blue in the 2020 US Presidential election. That is also something neither approved by the Parents nor legal for me. But I digress.

Thirty-one, twenty-nine, thirty-one again, sixteen now, that makes sixty, ninety-one, one hundred and seven days since I watched one of my classmates get drunk at a New Year’s Eve party. She downed a whole bottle of peach wine (I didn’t even know that was a thing) and looked at me with her red eyes and silver-sequined halter top and curly dark brown hair in a high ponytail. You’re more beautiful than Jesus she told me and you’ll go to the moon on a rocketship. I laughed.

I laugh when something’s so unexpected I can’t do anything else. I laughed when I first heard Notre Dame Cathedral had caught fire because it seemed so ludicrous that I couldn’t do anything else. Notre Dame on fire? You can’t be serious, it can’t be serious.

It was serious.

I’m not sure if she was.

A little part of me wishes she were.

When I was in sixth grade, I told the same girl I thought her hair was luscious. Sixth-grade me didn’t know the word had a sexual connotation; the girl did and was offended.

Maybe a little part of me did know, somehow.

***

As I write this next part, I am working on a paper about state-sponsored censorship. I have picked this topic because it is a fascinating topic, it fits the requirements for the paper─ write about a major global problem─, and because I feel censored myself.

Expressing anything that conflicts with the Parents’ thoughts and opinions is strictly forbidden. If you are different, you are ostracized. I am different, so I am ostracized.

I am too proud, too strong to succumb. But it still hurts.

As I write this, I am listening to Act IV of Rossini’s Guillaume Tell, an opera about liberation, appropriate for both me and my paper. At this moment, Hedwige is calling on God, ‘the hope of the hopeless’, to save her husband and break the yoke of oppression that binds Switzerland.

It’s very nice, and the sentiment is good and true, and it works for her and Mathilde and Jemmy and the Swiss women, but it does not work for me. I lost my faith a long time ago. Ironically, it is French grand opéra, the genre to which Guillaume Tell belongs, that is partially responsible for my loss of faith.

It was impossible for me to watch Verdi’s Don Carlos for the first time in eighth grade and Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots in tenth and not be horrified by the things people do in the name of religion, to kill people senselessly just because they believe slightly differently than them─ even their own daughters (as is the finale of Les Huguenots).

How can a good God allow such things?

Do I realize these works are fictional? Yes. But do I know they are based on history, on real events? Yes.

“These things are meant to happen; they are all in God’s plan.” Well, can God just not find another way to make what’s meant to happen happen? I cannot believe in a God that allows these things to happen. To say that an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good God who can allow such things exists is a lie.

***

Now that Guillaume Tell is over, I am listening to another grand opéra, Les vepres siciliennes, albeit in its Italian version, I vespri siciliani. Another opera about occupation and liberation, but a liberation that comes at a horrible cost: the entire French ruling class is massacred by the Sicilians at the end of the opera.

If I didn’t care, I would stage my own personal ‘massacre’: I would turn my back, walk out the front door with the possessions I most needed to survive on my own, and never come back.

But I do care. They may not care, but I do.

One of my greatest curses is that I care about what I care about too much. My heart is too deep to not care.

There are some battles that are not worth being fought.

If a massacre is your only recourse to accomplish something, perhaps you should not do that thing. Or, at least try to find another way.

Right now, I am at the beginning of Act III, at Monforte’s aria “In braccio alle dovizie”. In the original French, it’s called “Au sein de la puissance”. At the breast of power.

Monforte is the hated French governor of Sicily, the revolutionaries’ primary target. When he sings this, he has just learned that one of the main revolutionaries, Arrigo, is his long-lost illegitimate son.

By rape.

‘The breast of power’ indeed.

Just like with a massacre, if rape is your only recourse to accomplish something, perhaps you should not do that thing either.

Just a thought.

I’m a woman. What do I know, in the eyes of many out there?

One of my friends said that Verdi gave Monforte his just deserts, but also overly beautiful music. “He couldn’t help it, though, not when his Dad Music Instincts were activated.”

I feel guilty listening to the aria, even though it is truly a beautiful piece and the recording I’m listening to─ a 1989 recording from the Teatro alla Scala, with Giorgio Zancanaro as Monforte─ is absolutely gorgeous.

Can we separate the music from the character, the art from the artist? I do not know. Everyone has something utterly heinous to someone else. Once we stop separating the art from the artist, where do we begin again? And yet, I do not want to support people who do horrible things to others.

Perhaps it is all relative.

Perhaps everything is.

Perhaps nothing is absolute at all.

That frightens me.

***

Today is Rome’s 2,773rd birthday. As a six-year Latin student and future classics and history double-major, this is cause for celebration.

If things were normal and I were at school, my Latin teacher would bring birthday cake for all the Latin students, and we’d eat it and sing “Felix dies natalis, Roma”. Happy Birthday, Rome.

But things are not normal, and I’m at home multitasking between this and a presentation script for that paper, and still listening to I vespri siciliani.

Now I’m at the end of Act IV. Everyone is celebrating the impending marriage of Arrigo to Duchess Elena, one of the Sicilian revolutionary leaders. Sicilian and French, united at last. Everything is set to work out.

But there’s still Giovanni da Procida, the other major revolutionary leader, who is hellbent on revenge. He sees this wedding as the perfect opportunity to strike down the French once and for all.

And thus, the massacre.

Everything can be set to work out, but there is always something that comes up. A massacre, a pandemic, a set of internal troubles that bring a proud empire to its ruin.

Now I’m in Act V, at Elena’s bolero ‘Merce, dilette amiche’. She has no idea about Procida’s plans; she’s just excited to marry Arrigo and bring peace to her beloved Sicily at last. I think I’m going to change operas again after this is over; the act is rather uneven (though I still very much like it) and I would prefer not to listen to everything falling apart today.

I debate listening to Berlioz’s Les Troyens, the closest thing to an opera about the founding of Rome and a masterpiece itself. But there is still too much about collateral damage for my tastes today: one kingdom falls and another loses its benevolent queen, all in the name of a supposedly greater destiny. And that’s just based on the first third of the Aeneid. I wrote an essay about that first third once for English class, using that thesis; my English teacher said it was one of the best essays he’d ever read. But I digress.

After a quick refresher on the synopsis, I decide to change styles and go with a story from the heyday of the Roman Empire: Handel’s Agrippina. Lots of plotting, but everyone gets what they want in the end and it ends happily for all. No collateral damage here. I am weary of that.

Sometimes I feel like collateral damage.

It’s tough to remember that you’re the master of your own story, not just a side character or a scapegoat in so many others’.

Everyone in this opera knows they’re the masters. That’s the problem. But it ultimately works out.

I want nothing more than for it to work out for me. It hasn’t yet.

But I have a feeling it will.

***

I got maybe halfway through the first act of Agrippina yesterday. I love Baroque opera, but I guess only in small doses.

No matter.

Today I’m listening to the beginning of Act II of Verdi’s Don Carlo. This is the fourth time in a row I’ve listened to it.

I read John Green’s Turtles All The Way Down recently. The main character frequently finds herself stuck in ‘thought spirals’, where she keeps thinking more and more about the same thing. I have those too, although I tend to picture my mind more as a bullet train: it always moves hundreds of miles an hour, faster than I can control, from one thought to the next. I constantly find myself retracing the figurative map of my mind to figure out what I was thinking about, what I need to remember but simply cannot. And it’s like my mind keeps returning to the same stations a lot; these are my equivalent to the spirals.

This opera, this moment, is one of my frequent stations.

Make that five times in a row now. This will be the last, I promise myself.

In this scene, a group of monks chant, praying for the rest of the dead Emperor Charles V, whom, I note with a smile, was himself a character in one of Verdi’s earliest operas, Ernani. In that opera, he sings an aria where he confronts his destiny as the next Holy Roman Emperor. My legacy will live throughout the ages, he sings.

Including in two different Verdi operas.

But there I go again on another bullet-train route.

The monks are singing now, their stark minor-major shifts making me feel as if I am there, in the cloister of San Yuste or in any of the great cathedrals of Spain, looking up into the vaults of the ceiling, of heaven itself, seemingly. The only lights come from candles in my mental picture, and I gaze up, my head uncovered, my mind only partially spellbound, more by the visual beauty and the history than by any religious feeling.

I am a heathen.

I have only been inside a Catholic church once, when I was fourteen; it was an impromptu side trip during a school-sponsored tour of colleges in St. Louis. One of the chaperones said the Cathedral Basilica had can’t-miss art, and thus managed to get a large section of the attendees to come with her.

She was right. It was one of the most beautiful places I’d ever seen. And that was all I thought.

Okay, that’s a lie. I did wonder what it would be like to be able to have faith again, to be able to kneel in one of the pews, and pray, and believe, as my ancestors have done before me; after all, if religion were something you inherited in your blood, then I would be half-Catholic.

But I cannot kneel and pray and believe.

In this scene, one of the monks claims that Charles V fell because he was too proud, because he believed that he was greater than God. If a god exists, I do not claim to be greater than them. I am not perfect, not by a long shot.

He did not die because he did not believe in God. He died because everyone dies, even those who are supposedly the greatest of us.

God alone is great, the monk proclaims. I do not, cannot believe that. We are all great to begin with, but some of us are led to believe we are not.

We are the masters. I must remember that.

And I realize that I have let it play a sixth time.

Sometimes I am not the master of my own mind.

***

The sixth time was the last.

Now I am at the end of the act, listening to the showdown between Filippo II, King of Spain, and Rodrigo, Marquis di Posa. Filippo is the guardian of the way things are; Verdi called Rodrigo an anachronism, and indeed, he was the only principal character who never existed.

Rodrigo, he said, was at least two centuries ahead of his time.

I don’t know what exactly Verdi’s feelings were about this, but personally, I do not think this is a bad thing. Progressivism is often progressivism in any age.

At any rate, Rodrigo, who has recently returned from Spanish-held Flanders, has taken his chance─ a rare private meeting with the King, who is confused as to why Rodrigo has never approached him for favors like all the other courtiers─ to confront him about the horrific conditions of Flanders and its people. Give them liberty, he pleads.

No. I have given them the same peace I have given Spain.

A horrible peace!, Rodrigo fires back. The peace of the tomb!

We should not have to suffer until death.

Let history not say of you, “He was a Nero.” A murderer of innocents, a torturer of the defenseless, an occupier, a denier of liberty─ perhaps the greatest torture of all.

I once watched a video in which a director said, “To live in an occupied country is to live only half a life.” I would say that to live in an occupied country, or even any place where you cannot be free, cannot live fully as yourself, is not even that. It is to barely live at all. It is to merely have a beating heart and breath.

To live in spite of this, to simply be as you wish, is the ultimate act of defiance.

[dailyaudiobible]

01/13/2021 DAB Transcript

Genesis 28:1-29:35, Matthew 9:18-38, Psalms 11:1-7, Proverbs 3:11-12

Today is the 13th day of January welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is a delight to be here with you today as we move through the middle of the week and continue our journey forward. And, so, let's get into the Scriptures. We’re reading from the New Living translation and we’ve been reading from the book of Genesis, obviously and we have met Abraham then we’ve met his son of promise, Isaac, we have met Isaac's children, Jacob and Esau and we are transitioning into that generation, the grand children of Abraham. Genesis chapter 28 and 29 today.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in the book of Genesis today we have encountered a very famous story, the stairway to Heaven story, where Jacob sees a stairway to heaven. And he is in a place called Bethel. And, so, many of us know the story of have heard the story, you know, from Sunday school, or whatever, but the context is that Jacob is on the run from Esau, having left his family, moving north to find Laban who’s his mother's brother's, his uncle. That's when he sees this stairway to heaven and it won’t be the last time that Jacob comes by this way, but it will be quite a long time. We spanned some 14 years in our reading today. So, Jacob gets to Laban and then the trickery begins. And we we’re mentioning that. There’s like this kind of trickery in this family going on and it spans many generations. So, Jacob's in love with Rachel, He makes a deal that he'll work for his uncle for seven years, in order to marry Rachel and the deal is done. Seven years goes by, right? The wedding happens and a wedding night happens, and Jacob wakes up to find the wrong girl. So, he's going to get both of the sisters as wives in the end but he’s gonna have to work another seven years for the woman that he loves. 14 years for two wives who are sisters. Like we’re in a different time right now. This is thousands of years ago but even thousands of years ago, you can only imagine the family dynamics there. And it's even more complicated because Jacob loves Rachel. This is the woman that he wanted to be with, but Rachel isn't having any children. It's Leah the firstborn sister who is having children. So, you can only imagine the animosity and the bitterness that is beginning to build, and we will see it unfold. But by the time we finished our reading in Genesis today Jacob had not only left his family and made it all the way to Laban, he had been there for 14 years and children were born to him - Ruben, Simeon, Levi, Judah. These names should sound somewhat familiar if we have any familiarity with the Bible at all. These children will grow up to become adults and have tribes of their own. We have met the beginning of four of the 12 tribes of Israel today.

In the book of Matthew today we’re…we’re seeing Jesus move around the countryside and in…and in and among the villages and the villagers and he does quite a bit of healing today, many miraculous things. And…and by the way, these stories that we’re reading in the book of Matthew, most of them we will also encounter, nuanced a little bit differently, but we will also see them in Mark and in Luke. So, we have plenty of time as we take our journey together through the Bible, but also as we move through the Gospels for several months just sitting at the feet of Jesus. We’ll have plenty of time to examine lots of things from lots of perspectives. But what we see is Jesus healing. So, that like there's a resurrection story today, there’s the one with the issue of blood, which is a very famous story today, and then we encounter two blind men who were just screaming to Jesus to “have mercy, would he have mercy” and…and he heals them. One thing of note about the miraculous, at least as it relates to Jesus is what he says to the blind men, “don't tell anyone about this.” And the Bible says, but instead, they went out and told everybody basically. But what we need to notice is Jesus posture. Like you would think a miracle worker, that could get something really going quick. News could spread very, very quickly and Jesus could get an enormous amount of power very very quickly, but He's not looking for that. What we see is Jesus isn't playing the world's game at all. It’s like He's marching to the beat of a different drummer. He’s…he’s living as a human being was intended to live. Yes, we know where the story goes, and we know that Jesus will…will hang from across and die and be resurrected and we…we often make that the long and short of the story with Jesus, like that…that He came to die, He did and that was that. But there's these three decades of His life, right? And there's these three years of his ministry, before all of that happened. And, so, looking into what Jesus message was about and looking into the way that He conducted Himself reveals something really profound. Let's think about it. It was just less than two weeks ago that we began this journey and we got to the book of Genesis chapter 3 and we…we saw the…the serpent in the tree and member that story and how the whole complexion of the story changed when mankind realized that it was naked and ashamed and so it's been hiding ever since. We talked about deception and then as we've continued through the book of Genesis and all of the readings that we've done so far we've…we've seen the results. Like we’ve seen the flood. We've seen all kinds of really difficult things, and we will continue to see them. We see the effects of mankind's trade. God, union with God and perfection was what we were intended to have. Instead, we change…traded it for knowledge, a knowledge of good and evil. And, so, what we see beginning to happen upon the earth in the Bible is mankind's knowledge doing what man's kinds knowledge can do. Here's an example from the book of Matthew. Jesus is doing these miracles and the religious people, they were known as Pharisees or Sadducees, but the Pharisees out and among the people, the leaders, the spiritual caretakers of the people say about Jesus, “He casts out demons, because He's empowered by the prince of demons.” Okay. They have lost the plot and they are in charge of the spiritual welfare of the people. They do not in any way recognize this is God made flesh right in front of them. They can only see that He has some surprising powers and they're trying to figure out what His game is. And, so, they're saying these things not understanding that they're saying them about the God they serve and the God that they are leading people to worship. Like that’s how twisted the trade was. Like we can have all the knowledge of good and evil that we want but if we don't have God we are just here trying to make it work and we make it work by subjugating each other. And that doesn't work. So, Jesus, He's here doing something totally different looking for something completely different. For Jesus, healing the miraculous, the restoration of things is just normal. He doesn't need it broadcasted all over the place. It's just normal. Wholeness is supposed to be normal. Healing and health is supposed to be normal. So, I encourage us to continue to listen closely, listen closely to the words of the Savior. Listen closely to the stories. Look into those stories and watch what Jesus is doing. Remember this. Before that tree incident with the serpent in Genesis 3 sin was not a category and Adam and Eve were upon this earth sinless and in perfect union with God. It was as it was supposed to be. Thousands of years, thousands of years passed and that had not happened again until Jesus came. Jesus shows us what a restored sinless, integrated, humanity looks like in union with God. He didn't only come to die. He also showed us how to live.

Prayer:

Jesus, we enter into that. We so often want You as an add-on. We want to live the life that we want to live but we want You in our back pocket as a get out…a get out of jail free card or some kind of insurance of something or another when You have invited us out of the world and in and to actual life. But it's…a transition is...is gonna be rocky. We’re gonna have to surrender so many things and learn how much we are clinging to and how little faith we might have. But we’re ready to learn. And we’re gonna have to learn that moving in this direction, the path of restoration, the path of sanctification, the path that leads, the path that leads to wholeness, that is going to by default set us apart. By default we are simply not going to be playing the same game anymore. And that can be a lonely path. And we see that borne out in Your ministry and in Your life. So, Come Holy Spirit, show us what it's gonna look like to become Christlike and what that's gonna mean. As we begin to just ponder surrender. We pray this in the name of Jesus our Savior. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it…it's the websites, it’s where you find out what's going on around here. I say that most every day.

I mentioned yesterday the Promised Land films and just the opportunity to kinda zoom in and see some of these places and I mean, like I can’t ignore it. We were in Bethel today, right? With the stairway to heaven, and Jacob seeing this and setting up a memorial stone. This is a place. This is an actual place. We have filmed this actual place. And the geography is so fascinating because indeed the geography looks like a stairway all around. All around the area, the tiered kind of staircase steps of the of the earth rising up. And, so, these are places that you can see. We've created this resource for that purpose. I mean all of the resources we create at the Daily Audio Bible are to take the journey of the Bible in a year deeper, more comprehensive. How much can we learn about ourselves and about the Bible and about the God of the Bible and about the God that's beyond it all, the most-high God who is our Father? This is the goal. So, kind of seeing some of these places and knowing, “yeah, this is a place on earth. This isn't a fairytale I’m reading. This is an actual archaeological place.” And seeing what it looks like is really helpful, at least it has been for me. So, reminding you the Promised Land films are available in the Daily Audio Bible Shop. We will send you the DVD edition. You will instantly have access to the downloads, to the high-definition downloads of the films. And, yeah, dive deeper. Check that out. It's in the Daily Audio Bible Shop in the music and films section.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link on the homepage, and I thank you humbly and profoundly as we get launched into this new year for your partnership. We wouldn't be here. And this is year 16. So, we’ve been a community for a long time but we wouldn't exist if we were not in this together. And that has always been true. And, so, the beautiful thing is that we have been in this together. So, if Daily Audio Bible is bringing life to you, if it's bringing like some kind of awakening, the Bible is actually doing what the Bible does, then thank you for your partnership. There’s a link on the homepage. If you are using the Daily Audio Bible app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address, if you prefer, is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement you can hit the Hotline button in the app, the little red button at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello, my names Alexis I’m 15 I just started listening to Daily Audio Bible in about the middle of last year and I am really appreciative for this platform and for Brian and it’s really helped me grow closer to God. And lately I’ve just been feeling like a failure to be honest. Like, I’m fearing man more than I’m fearing God and it’s really been hindering me from like…there’s so many things that I know God wants me to do but I just care more about what the world thinks of me than what God thinks of me and it’s just not good. So, I’d really appreciate your prayers for spiritual maturity and boldness of the Spirit. Yeah, that’s what I really need. And I’m sure my mom is listening to this. So, hi mom. Love you. Okay, thank you. Bye.

Good afternoon everybody this is God’s Smile here. Well, it’s chucking it down with rain again. Well, I like a fine mist. But I woke up this morning when I coddled to the bathroom really early hours and there was this beautiful…I…I often look out of the front bedroom window when I’m up for a few minutes and try and stretch my legs a little…and so I was looking at this beautiful layer of frost because we don’t really get snow especially where we are in England because we’re by…by the sea…by Southport sea and not far from the salt there. You know it doesn’t really last unless we get a lot of snow which is nothing compared to the Canadians. So, what was I saying? Oh, losing me train of thought. So, it was really nice. And I thought, I’ll take a photograph of that later on. And, so, later on I get up and it’s all gone. Our weather is so unpredictable. But I just wanted to call in and say thank you Facebook DAB Friends for Peter’s request for prayer. Thank you, thank you, thank you for holding me. I’m up today, the first time in weeks. Isn’t that wonderful? I’ve been up with Tom a little bit, but I haven’t been up and been able to color. Now that Tom’s back home the Lord’s said, “go on, get up there or get down there.” And, so, I’ve had two hours where I’ve been doing my two most favorite things which is the color and listen to DAB. So, isn’t that wonderful? Isn’t God just wonderful? Times ticking away again. So, I send you my love. I send you so much love. Kiss kiss. Love God’s Smile.

Hello everyone I am Rachel from Oregon and I’ve been with you guys for a few months now and I have been listening even more consistently for this last month and I’ve only called in one other time to pray for a couple people but I just want to say that I really really appreciate this community. And I usually don’t get into podcasts or anything audio or videos whenever people refer me to all of them, but I discovered this one on my own and I’m so glad I did because it really encourages me and ministers to me a lot and I just appreciate it. Brian thank you so much for ministering to us so faithfully every day so many years of your life now. And all you guys out there, thank you so much for being so vulnerable and honest and open and genuine. I can hear people’s heart cries for the Lord and just really encourages me as another broken human that there’s this wonderful community of people out there who love Jesus who really really need Jesus and aren’t afraid to admit it because I really really need Jesus. I am so broken, but I really appreciate all you guys and just know that I’ve been praying for so many of you even though I don’t call in, even though you guys feel so…so low/ And all the things that some of you are going through. I’m praying right there with you. I am your sister in prayer and Christ is interceding for you and I look forward to meeting all of you in the kingdom of heaven someday. I feel like you guys are actually my family. And it’s amazing. I love you. Thank you for everything.

Good morning this is Steve from South Carolina. I just started listening to the Daily Audio Bible just a couple of days ago, beginning of the year and I feel like I found a brand-new community and I thank you for that. I thank you for welcoming me. Two things I’d like to share I’d like you to pray about with me if you would. One is, today is my last day of official work after many, many, many years in Christian ministry. I’d appreciate your prayers for God’s reassignment and new adventures ahead. And secondly, my daughter has aggressive breast cancer. And as you might imagine I’m very concerned for her and her well-being. So, pray for a miracle of healing if you would please. And thank you so very much for doing what you’re doing. Thanks for being a praying community and a caring community. And thanks for believing God for great things in 2021.

Hello DAB family this is Greg and on behalf of my wife Begita from southwest Sweden. There’s snow on the ground here and that speaks of God’s promises. We thank you Brian for the promise of this year and thank you for the past year of your and China’s readings. China congratulations on the imminent arrival of your first baby a few months to go and we are really glad about that. And to hear Jill’s voice. I listen to DAB chronological today. Sorry I’m still working on being a double DABber. And she’s such a bright spot. The…the…the warmth and the light of the DAB campfire definitely flows through her voice as it does yours Brian and did through China. So, yeah, my prayer request was regarding how to reach people in a small community here where we live where people are largely indoors. You know, it’s northern country Sweden, so it gets dark early and so on. And even as I was making the prayer request wondering what to say DAB here a knock came at the door and it was a local businessman who wanted some carton boxes that we had. And I’m just thanking God for the He answers prayer even before it’s out of our months. You know, so we had a good chat with him, and I was able to ask him what His faith in Jesus is. But I’m just praying for different ways of outreach, whether it’s making tracks or community events anything such that we can do. But that’s partly why…why we’re here. And I just want to thank you once again for this community and what God has done through you in my life and my wife. All right, God bless and will catch up later in the year. But I will be listening. I now.

Hi this is Emerald Stone. I’m gonna call myself Emerald Stone because I’m from the Emerald Island of Ireland. I think this is my fifth year since I began to listen to the Daily Audio Bible. It’s so lovely to hear so many accents from around the world. I’ve heard Australian and English accents and lots of American accents. I don’t know if I’ve heard many Irish accents but I think I heard Brian before saying he was in Ireland. I just wanted to introduce myself and say happy new year to everybody. And I’m on day five. I’m two days behind but it’s just great to hear everyone and to start something fresh and new. And God bless the Hardin family. God bless our world at this time. Praying for our nation of Ireland going through level V lockdown again and the numbers are increasing. So, just very aware of that in these days and to be praying for the world at this time and in particular America as well. And thank you for your prayers in the past. And I just want to wish everyone a happy new year and I’ll call in again. It’s great to download the new app and see this new feature on it as well, which I’ve never tried before in order to give the prayer requests in. So, that’s really handy. So, God bless, and I’ll be praying for those people who have rang in with the prayers. Bye.

[thegleeacademy]

What do I need to know if I want to apply?

The in character rundown:

By your character’s thirteenth birthday, they’ll wake up with either an S or a D behind their ear. This is their mark and it determines whether they are a Dominant or submissive. I chose thirteen to allow parents the opportunity to educate their children in whatever way they choose for five years. Then from eighteen to twenty-one, unless otherwise controlled by their family, everyone has a few years to explore on their own before they’re put into an academy and told how to think. This allows for a diverse range of origin stories. 

This is an M/s world, so all Dominants are Masters and submissives are slaves. Subs have no say in what their lives look like. 

The traditional and most common alignment is somewhere on the scale of pro M/s. Not everyone is a monster Dom/me and not everyone uses the ability to do things against submissive’s will, but all Dominants are privileged because of this system and benefit from it. This causes blind spots in even the most liberal people sometimes. 

At 21, it is required by law that all people be sent to a BDSM academy (like TGA) to get their education and prepare them for society. The earliest anyone can graduate is 25, but more often people stay until closer to 30. Submissives cannot graduate without a claim. Dominants can. If a submissive is still unclaimed on their 30th birthday, they get sent to auction at the slave markets. Also, when it comes to claims being broken, the ONLY PEOPLE that can end a claim are people like the Headmaster and the Dominant that put in for the claim.  There are no exceptions because this is the law. 

From the moment a claim begins, the submissive becomes owned property and reflects on the Dominant. Dominants can also take on more than one sub in a claim, but it’s up to what they’re capable of because it has to be approved by the HM. Many Dominants that see subs as slaves will only get in romantic relationships with other Dominants and their subs are house slaves. It is not uncommon in the outside world for two Dominants to be married, with a house full of shared slaves. Submissives cannot marry legally, they can only be claimed.

Because this is an M/s universe and sex is very open and the power dynamics are based on whether you have a D or an S behind your ear, there is not a whole lot of transphobia, homophobia, sexism, racism, or any of those other nasty things. Instead, the nastiness in this world comes solely from the M/s politics. There are a few exceptions, there are always people with contrary opinions, but the mainstream society isn’t bothered about people being trans, gay, or women. It’s being a slave that puts you at the bottom of the barrel, it’s being a slave that people have preconceived negative ideas about. 

The out of character rundown: 

This is a MASTER/SLAVE roleplay and the theme of the roleplay means that you can’t ask to totally avoid non consensual activity, especially if you play a submissive. Anyone at Dalton and any of the staff members may order or punish any submissive character that they choose and they may do it in any way that they desire-- submissives do not have the right to consent. I will make a note on your app if you don’t want to write these scenes out, that is perfectly acceptable and not at all strange. None of us have actually written out any kind of non consensual scene-- all punishments have been written as headcanons so far. But that content is part of the plot, so keep that in mind. 

We’re a very relaxed environment ooc here, despite the ic tension that I’ve been dropping in with group plot drops. I only have five rules about activity, including a rule on bubble roleplaying, and they are listed in the ooc discord and on an anon answer from yesterday. The activity rule is a week and I’m not always looking at it, but if it becomes a consistent thing, you could lose your spot here. I also ask that you reply to the first starter from every new roleplayer added into this roleplay to welcome them with the eagerness to write with them that they deserve. We keep activity rolling in an incredibly inclusive way because bubble rping is against the rules- I ask that you do your best to continue and initiate conversations and paras with all characters. Of course, you can always ask for your roll back if you end up on the unfollow list for not meeting the very relaxed activity rules. 

I have all of the plot info on this blog here, but the masterlist/bio/boarding info/info about current events are all archived from the first iteration of TGA because it ran for so long, I’m too sentimental to get rid of it. I will answer anons here, but all acceptances, follow links, current event info, plot drops, and masterlist information can be found on @tgastaff. I also play the Headmaster and the tutor from that blog, so you can expect in character announcements and BDSM information over there too. 

This is an open fandom roleplay now that also accepts OCs that are both based on a fandom (we have a lot of Glee OCs) or completely original from start to finish. The original TGA was a triplet roleplay, I would like to keep the idea that it was normal for people to have about three children. It makes it so that they have more than one opportunity to have the “perfect child” that they dream about while also helping keep the ancient aesthetic I have going on. When it comes to having children, think royal families trying to continue their bloodline and take over the world. Not everyone is a triplet though, and you might want to reach out first if you want to create an OC attached to an already taken character. 

You can ask to join our ooc discord server before you apply, if you want to be able to plot through some things with the people here first. 

You can’t just ask for a claim. *In the right circumstance*, I might consider accepting an already claimed pair but I don’t really do that sort of thing here because claims are very highly regulated. When two characters that are shipping here request a claim, there is an actual process of things that the Headmaster does before he will either accept or deny it. And he can take away a claim at any time. He can also demote Dominants to the status of submissive as a temporary punishment if he doesn’t think a Dom/me is owning their role properly. 

[manuscripts-dontburn]

Carrie

Author: Stephen King

First published: 1974

Pages: 171

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 1 day

A good entertainment to cleanse my palette.... Might check out more King books eventually.

The Price Guide to the Occult

Author: Leslye Walton

First published: 2018

Pages: 288

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 3 days

First of all, there should be a MASSIVE trigger warning for self-harm and parental abuse. Second of all, this is one of those books that simply needed more meat and more time. The premise is interesting, the writing beautiful, but all the gore and horror in it would have benefitted greatly from a more complex world. Many key scenes and situations were explained in a hurry and left one unsatisfied. And saying all that, just because a book is centred around a teen girl should not make it a YA. Because this is not.

My Grandmother Sends Her Regards and Apologises

Author: Fredrik Backman

First published: 2013

Pages: 342

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

How long did it take: 4 days

Look, I completely understand why this book is so praised by many people. I could pinpoint the many places in it which probably resonate with others. But for whatever reason, I was bored for most of it. I had to force myself to continue reading and that is never good. This was just not for me.

The Gentleman’s Guide to Getting Lucky

Author: Mackenzi Lee

First published: 2019

Pages: 128

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 1 day

This was just friggin stinking cute. Cannot wait for another book in this series.

Medieval Bodies: Life, Death and Art in the Middle Ages

Author: Jack Hartnell

First published: 2019

Pages: 352

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 11 days

Very accessible to anyone, with or without a knowledge of medieval times. I enjoyed the way the book was structured according to various body parts, which then were used as a base for a discussion of other topics relevant to life in the Middle Ages. It is not just medicine, but also sexuality, travelling, fashion and other themes. I would have liked the book to be much more lengthy, to be honest, because I simply found it fascinating. My favourite part? Probably the ode to the vagina and the explanation of the penis trees. I am just a lowly human with a dirty mind after all!

The Raven Boys

Author: Maggie Stiefvater

First published: 2012

Pages: 409

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 5 days

I had so much fun reading this! It was like The Secret History by Donna Tart, except less on crack and with magic. What I appreciated were the were very real conflicts dealing with social class, the clear individuality of each character, the fact that going to class and striving for good marks is actually a significant factor for these kids and also a twist I did not see coming. Intrigued. Will definitely read the rest of the series.

The Gloaming

Author: Kirsty Logan

First published: 2018

Pages: 320

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 8 days

First of all, I have to say that the cover and Kirsty´s previous books made me expect something completely else than I was given. So here goes for everybody else: this is NOT a book about mermaids and it is NOT in any way related to The Gracekeepers. It is a story about FAMILY and the weight of OBLIGATION in contrast to personal WANTS as well as searching for the meaning of HOME. Sprinkled with just a tiny magical element. The writing is gorgeous and the atmosphere utterly melancholy. So why didn't I love it more? Partly because of my misplaced expectations, but that I could probably overlook. However, this story is so slow that even halfway through the book I still had a feeling it hasn't started yet. It also took a little while to get used to the format in which the timelines skip here and there and everywhere. In the end, it all does click together and it did leave me thinking about the book though. To steal the very last line: perhaps that's all we can ask.

Every Heart a Doorway

Author: Seanan McGuire

First published: 2016

Pages: 168

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 1 day

I truly appreciate the idea as well as inclusivity of this book, at the same time I have to say that if anything, I felt it was unfinished. It felt like a first or second draft, just capturing the basic skeleton (pun intended) of the story before the author would return it and actually put meat on it (he he he). Why should I care for characters I know nothing about and met them yesterday? The language was felt adequate yet fairly unimpressive. And in what reality people have such a lacklustre reaction to brutal murder? This book feels like an opportunity not taken and it is a real pity. Because the premise and even the plot had so much potential.

Zinky Boys: Soviet Voices from the Afghanistan War

Author: Svetlana Alexievich

First published: 1989

Pages: 224

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 5 days

This was an absolutely brutal read. A perfect gallery of human voices and the differences of their experience of the same events. Just really brutal.

Mermaid Moon

Author: Susann Cokal

First published: 2020

Pages: 496

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

How long did it take: 3 days

I am SO disappointed but I guess it serves me right since this one was a complete cover buy. Unfortunately, the gorgeousness of the book (including UNDER the cover) is not matched by the content. I had expected a melancholy fairytale since after all this is supposed to be a sort of retelling of the Little Mermaid. And the premise itself sounded promising too. A young mermaid comes on land to find her long lost human mother, but unexpected happenings surrounding our main protagonist inspires some pretty strong feelings in a humble and religious community. Sadly the story is told in a way which makes me wonder for whom it was intended. Most of the book reads like the most boring and basic teenage romance (including instalove and a love triangle), but then there are really unnecessary descriptions of interspecies mating techniques. The structure of the story is very sloppy. I feel the 2 stars are more than generous.

Hitler's Forgotten Children: The Shocking True Story of the Nazi Kidnapping Conspiracy

Author: Ingrid Von Oelhafen

First published: 2015

Pages: 256

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 3 days

I was misled by the title of the book. I went into it expecting a study of Lebensborn (which was not a completely unknown thing to me) which would explore the reasons of its birth (pun not intended), people behind it, more information on the people who ran it, exploration of the routine and of course personal stories of its children. In a concise but rather short and watered-down way, I got all of those, however, it did not offer me any real depth of information. So what this book actually is? It is a personal memoir of a lady who had battled all of her life with the question of identity and origins and found in her later years that she was actually a Lebensborn baby. We get to know her difficulties over searching for information and eventually finding her origins. On one hand, the story is interesting and the writing very accessible, on the other hand, I found it somewhat unengaging and, as previously noted, not too informative for someone like me, who already possesses some knowledge of the matter, both because I have studied history and because the Nazis stealing children has always been a big topic in my country, Czechoslovakia back then since it happened here too. .

The Home For Unwanted Girls

Author: Joanna Goodman

First published: 2018

Pages: 364

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 3 days

A touching tale about complicated family matters and relationships in the context of 1950s Canada. I really enjoyed it and it earns bonus points for teaching me something new in terms of history. Definitely would recommend if you like books like Before We Were Yours.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Stories

Author: Robert Louis Stevenson

First published: 1886

Pages: 256

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 9 days

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this collection of short stories. True, I did not much care about one and felt a bit disappointed by another (The Suicide Club which had a phenomenal premise but fell short on excitement or satisfying finish), but overall I was quite intrigued and amused.

The Prince and the Dressmaker

Author: Jen Wang

First published: 2018

Pages: 277

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 1 day

Oh my gosh this was SO PURE and THAT FINALE actually had me in stitches!!!!

[seenashblog]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2019)

This is the thing where I recap and rate cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies (mostly - if other channels do "original" holiday movies, like Lifetime, I may sneak those in there, too). This post will be updated with new entries as I go, all below the cut. I'm rating based upon The Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card. Here it is, and feel free to use it for your own watching:

More quick clarification on ratings: 

When something's pulling in a 4 or 5 star, that means the Bingo only popped a few squares. When something's hitting at a 3, it's a handful of squares, maybe came in the ballpark of having a Bingo. The 2s mean definitely got a Bingo. The 1s mean anywhere from more than one Bingo to nearly filled the damn card. Outside of the card, stars can also get docked because of piss-poor writing, embarrassing acting, draggy flow, and shitty casting (read: lack of chemistry).

Put another way - 3 stars means they aren’t exactly a waste of time, 2 stars are debatable/up to personal taste, and of course 1 star means I will never get that time back and I’m that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Here's the 2018 list

And remember: never, EVER watch “My Christmas Love” 😉

Let’s roll. Most recent entries will be first.

#6

Once Upon A Christmas Miracle (Hallmark, 2018 - Brett Dalton, Aimee Teegarden - the latter of whom will make you think "I know someone who looks like her" because she looks like that girl you went to school with or worked with or was a friend of a friend, or maybe is a friend of yours - she's just got that look about her. My Aimee Teegarden's name is Jessica.)

This movie is infuriating.

Brett is a great actor, Aimee is serviceable, let's just get that out of the way. Matter of fact, you're not going to find any of the acting grating. Overall, everybody's fine.

Here's what you need to know: this is based on a true story, and that story is that a woman who needed a liver transplant gets a random donor (no one in her fam was a match apparently). And donor's this awesome dude, and they end up falling in love. Cool story, right?

Yeah, then Hallmark got their hands on it.

Everything is shmoop. Everything. The family (including the - way to go casting - sister who looks nothing like her, I mean NOTHING like her) is on Christmas like it's crack. Details include her hand-making wreaths, and oh by the way she does it for every holiday. Okay. Whatever. Some of us have more time on our hands than others. Look at me, I pause in housework to type this shit up when I could be doing said housework. It's all about priorities.

There's of course The Conflict, which is that he gets a job offer out of town. But before all that, he organizes a Christmas Eve party focused on fundraising for her because of the medical bills and because she won't go back to nursing school since money. Welcome to the USA, the only advanced, developed country on the planet where they don't consider investment in our populous as important as investment in, well, you pick. I'm furious. I'm also grinding my teeth over the gross medical inaccuracies in this one, but I won't go down that road or we'll be here all day. I bring that up because the thing upon which this story pivots is the medical issue, so some realism there is important so that we as the audience can understand the gravity of what they went through, the sacrifice he made for a stranger, why this bonded them, etc.

I hate this movie. I hate it. The family is insufferably perfect. It's so overblown it's unrealistic. And that wasn't needed - it's okay to show them stressed and worried, this is a big deal. But nope, they're just perfect. And she's perfect, everyone loves her, she's pretty and smart and sweet and EVERYONE LOVES HER. There's not one moment of her being, say, bitter and resentful  that she's having to go through this, and again - THAT'S NORMAL. Just some normalcy is needed to balance the "Wow!" of what happened which is that they ended up falling in love, because that truly is not the norm and is extraordinary.

So I got curious and wondered what, if any, of this - beyond what we know - was actually true. Okay: he and his motorcycle club did arrange a fundraiser. They did end up several doors down from each other at the hospital and would take their walks together (that's mandatory post-surgery, they want you up walking ASAP, just FYI). But here's what I was looking for: this didn't happen at Christmas. He overheard a coworker talking about a sick cousin in January 2015. The surgery happened in March. They started dating, and in July he actually asked her father for permission to ask her to marry him. And THEN at Christmastime, he proposed to her, which was the very last scene in the movie.

I guess what I'm getting at is, why couldn't this have just been a regular Hallmark movie at a random time of year. They made the focus Christmas instead of it being on Heather and Chris. They had an opportunity to dig in a little deeper than they usually do, they were handed a wonderful love story that was filled with a major REAL trial, and they blew it. They swapped true love and loyalty, for romance and fluff. Yeah, love and romance are on the Venn diagram together, but they ain't the same thing.

This can't be a 5 because it was so schlocky, not to mention because there were zero character arcs, our two leads were the exact same people at the end as they were at the beginning. I can't in good conscience make it a 4 because of what I've said above. But the production value was fine, the acting was fine, the script dialogue-wise was fine, and the pacing was fine. IT WAS FINE. You may be into this, but I was greatly disappointed, especially after learning about the material with which they had to work. So I have to drop it from a 3 to a 2. Be warned, though - if you google, everyone rates it off the charts. [shrugs]

2/5 stars

The Christmas Note (Hallmark, 2015 - Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Leah Gibson - the former of whom you better know, and the latter of whom is incredibly familiar to me - and there's also several other familiar folks, namely the guy who plays the lawyer who is a great actor and should be in more stuff)

Now, even though this isn't based on a true story it is a good example of how to dig into tough situations and allow people to be imperfect, along with elements of lightness and sweetness and happiness. (The next one does this well, too, but hang on let's knock this one out.) Both our leads - and thank god on high this isn't a romance for once - are excellent actors with great chemistry, so no worries there. This *is* a love story, however. Because not all love is kissing and sex and romance.

One more time for the people in the back: meeting someone and growing to love them is not always about sexy times and kissy face and shmoopy romance.

So here's the scoop, and I'm not looking up their character names: Jamie-Lynn, along with her son (who, despite being a good lil' actor, is mildly annoying, but it's the script, not him) has moved back to her small hometown and gotten a little house to be closer to her parents, because her army hubby got nearly blowed-up overseas and he's in the hospital recuperating enough to where it's safe for him to travel home. Next door lives Leah who seems stand-offish at first but it's just because her life is basically work-home-work-home, wash-rinse-repeat. They start to get to know each other because this dude shows up and knocks on Jamie-Lynn's door and is like "I can't get hold of your neighbor but her mom's died and she needs to come clean out the apartment, like, yesterday." Jamie-Lynn goes with her to do it, being all - Nobody should have to go through this alone - and Leah accepts the offer, because this is gonna be hard, and double-hard because due to a falling out, she hadn't talked to her mom in like 10 years. They end up finding a letter her mom left her, and in part of it, she tells that before Leah was born she gave up a child for adoption. That's it. No other leads.

And after Jamie-Lynn and various folks around town encourage her, Leah decides she'll make effort to find her sibling, and Jamie-Lynn helps, and as they follow up on various things in mom's possessions, they get closer and closer, and end up becoming friends. There's no silly misunderstandings as excuse to farm emotion - there's just actual emotion because jesus, did you read what this plot is?! Nothing is smothered by shmoop and nobody is shoving Christmas spirit up your ass. Nobody's family is perfect (you know the scoop on Leah, and as far as Jamie-Lynn's, turns out husband may not make it home for Christmas, and her parents are divorced and slightly cantankerous), so again - it's keeping grounded in the midst of what's about to be a (kind've) fantastical ending.

Skip beyond the next divider if you don't want to be spoiled.

While they don't look alike, they do both have dark hair and dark eyes (I can't tell if maybe some dark hazel is happening, but their eyes ain't blue and brown is my point). And note the way they occasionally part their hair (far to one side), the way they'll occasionally move in sync (standing from chair, for instance), similar style purses and coats. You may've guessed the ending - and it was mentioned early on though not heavy-handed that Jamie-Lynn is adopted - but Jamie-Lynn is Leah's older birth half-sister. And of course, husband makes it home for Christmas.

The only thing - and I mean THE only, even the music is on point - I would've changed about this (but it's based on a book, so Hallmark couldn't, so I guess I'm critiquing the author) is that I'd have made it that the husband is her older half-brother. So that when he gets home on, say, Christmas Eve the lawyer could've shown up at the house being like "Sorry if I'm intruding but my contact at blah-blah-blah agency came through, I just read the documents, and you have to know this right away", etc. Otherwise, this movie is solid, top to bottom. I would give it a 4 vs a 5 because it is highly, highly, HIGHLY improbable that they'd be neighbors. Better for them to have met via work or at the coffee shop or something. But let me tell you, the thing that puts this over the top? In the scene where they find out the truth, they nail it. In lesser hands (including the lawyer actor), this would've failed and ruined the entire movie. Instead, it actually made me a little teary-eyed.

5/5 stars

The Santa Con (Lifetime, 2014 - the very stacked cast of: Barry Watson, Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa Sagemiller, Jaleel White, Scott Grimes, Wendy Williams, Alimi Ballard, John Ratzenberger - every single one of whom you'll recognize or know right off the bat)

Lifetime does this better than Hallmark, and tenfold: casting. And this is a drama vs. a romance, but they all nail it. It helps that the director was Melissa Joan Hart, and I'll put in my disclaimer here that I said last year....

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that’s what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa’s in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you’re good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.

Except this time? It's not exactly her typical fare, but it's just as solid. Here's the basic summary, and I'm not going too far down the road because with all those characters, as you can imagine, there's lots of back-and-forth as far as who's interacting with whom at a given point. So Barry plays a conman who finally landed himself in prison but he charmed the warden (Ratzenberger) and the board and gets parole. His goes to live with his sister (Hart) and we meet his fellow conman buddy (White), and the job he gets is part-time gig as a Santa at the mall (sister has a shop there). He is just going through the motions, and he promises this kid - the only bit of poor casting, IMO, but kid actors are six of one, half dozen the other - that his wish of his parents being back together will come true (Sagemiller and Grimes).

Problem: Grimes' character is an alcoholic, and the kid finally gets an eyeful and quits being pissed at his mom for the separation when dad shows up absolutely lit to the school play. In any event, Barry feels like he needs to make good on the promise somehow because he feels guilty and he insinuates himself into their lives (I am absolutely going blank how, sorry), and he at least wants to give Grimes a fighting chance at being reunited with his family (Sagemiller says she would totally take him back if he got the drinking issue taken care of because she genuinely loves him, she just can't tolerate that shit anymore). So Barry's doing things like helping Grimes get to AA and revealing that his boss at work took credit for his awesome idea (that, coupled with the drinking, is why he got fired if memory serves, I'm writing this post-movie).

There's one angle that irritates me - the issue with Grimes shouldn't have been alcoholism. That's a tough topic to tackle, and I don't know that a Lifetime Christmas movie is the place to do it. I didn't mind him coming drunk to the play, I think that would've been in line with him being, broadly, Mr. Fuck Up. Like losing his job - we learn that the reason is because his idea was stolen, but from her perspective it's part of his pattern. And maybe he kept missing things he'd promised to do with the kid. Whatever, fill in all those blanks. In addition, it irks me that Sagemiller's romantic choices here are a felon and an alcoholic. Are all felons bad? No. Are all alcoholics bad? No. Because people vary. My point is, both of their lives are messy at this moment and they need to work on themselves before involving another person and her kid. Barry's also been lying to her this whole time, and regardless of the good intentions (and that's debatable, his reasons, at one point), it's still a bunch of deception.

But I have to give credit where credit's due. It's a very original plot, both the writer and Hart did a great job balancing it out and keeping it streamlined to the degree that they could, and, again, I cannot praise the casting enough. Because there is a distinct lack of shmoop, and because there's some humor, and because the pacing was on point, and because I think it maybe hit 2 squares on the card if that, I deem this not even close to being a waste of your time. Like I say, there's just that thing that I feel like could've been better, but it's kind've a big thing, so I gotta ding for it. I'll say this, though: seeing Urkel and Sabrina flirt cures a lot of ails.

4/5 stars

The Perfect Christmas Present (Hallmark, 2017 - Sam Page, who I recognize, and a gal called Tara Holt, whose parents should be popped upside the head for naming their child Terre Haute; I mean, unless they've got a real hard-on for Indiana, in which case you do you)

She's from Chicago (as in, grew up there) but then her mom moved them to L.A. (after dad died, so check dead parent box), but she's moved back to establish a charity there, and also because boyfriend lives there (I missed how they got together if she lived across the country). She wants to hold a charity event, and he helps arrange for a former client's historic home to be used for free. Pertinent info: he's essentially a personal shopper but his specialty is figuring out the perfect gif t for people (hence the subtle title ::sigh::) by getting to know them really well. My presumption is this usually happens by targeted questioning about said person via the client, the more obscure stuff, but I'm writing this after the fact so I can't be sure. But I get the impression it usually isn't - really, it can't be - direct interaction with the person themselves, because the surprise would be ruined. Unless he goes around being a lying liar all the time, and if there was a person - especially at the behest of a loved one - who integrated themselves into my life under false pretenses (read: anything other than they enjoy my company, I intrigue them, etc.) I would be both absolutely livid and absolutely crushed. We'll come back to this.

Side note: Let me tell you right now, re: former client - I love this chick, she is the highlight of the movie, the snark is real with her, she's upfront about the fact she's into our lead male, did I mention she's snarky? I liked her the minute she came on the screen, continued to like her up until her last scene (spoiler: no she's not a villain, she's just snark and if you don't like it, piss off).

Back to plot: basically, that's the "in" - she doesn't know that boyfriend hired him to figure out perfect present, all she knows is that this is boyfriend's old fraternity buddy who's a make-things-happen, got-connections-all-over sort of guy. And he's happy to help with the event, because that means he can use the opportunity of them working together to get info on her and essentially profile her - like for instance, when they were touring that house, when in kitchen, she snitches a macaroon (or one of those fat almond cookies from wedding showers with which I have a love-hate relationship), he makes a quick note of "sweet tooth".

Also to know, the relationship between her and boyfriend is struggling a little, so that's why he's going to the extra effort, and - spoiler alert - as I'm sure you've guessed he gets the shaft for his trouble. He's an okay guy, I guess, and I do give them props for not making him this complete dickhole or something, but with that comes the issue that you kinda feel shitty for him. On the other hand, it's only been a year and he's jonesing to get married and have kids, and she's like "Whooooaaaa". While I'm here, though, talking about secondary characters, I also have to shout out best friend who she's Skyping with off-and-on, she is dynamic and runs any scene they're in, every line is delivered realistically and casually, you feel like you're talking with a person in real life. Having said that? This is a weird, unneeded gimmick. Matter of fact, the character isn't needed at all, but if it had to be done then they should've just had her there, as the partner in the charity.

Regarding casting: it's cool that Terre Haute went into acting because she has these big, expressive eyes and I think it helps because she's not got an "it", if that makes any sense - as opposed to the ladies I mentioned above, there's not a dynamic presence, at least in this she's easily forgettable. Regardless of her character and dialogue, it's delivery that sells it, and while there's inflection and facial expressions (she's not flat, not at all), it still smacks of her just delivering lines. And that's fine! There's a need for actors who are on it and that the studio gets what they pay for, that they do what they're hired to do. My point is, she's serviceable and I think in a meaty role she could step up. He's great but also only serviceable in this particular movie, and I honestly don't know what else these two could've done - while the idea of the story is decently creative (though event planner - which he essentially is - has been done, and done better), it plays out as pretty much how you'd think. I'm typing this as I'm about an hour in, and here's my guess: Yes, she'll end up falling for him but she'll also be pissed when she finds out that he's been collecting facts on her, regardless of the reason. Also I predict that in rich gal's moves to get dude, she'll be the one to go "You know that he's stuck around because he's fallen for you, right? That this ain't about the gift anymore?" and be the one to give her a kick in the. At least, that's what I'd write.

Because the alternative is actually realistic, which is that she says what I said above: you ingratiated yourself under false pretenses, when we started having feelings for each other - or at minimum when we started being friends - you should've told boyfriend you couldn't help with the present anymore, and told me the truth. Period. End of story.

I'll leave it here, I think. Watch if you want to see how it ends - not that it matters, of course she ends up with him. And I gotta go with my gut, here, even though this doesn't hit a ton of bingo squares, not at all, but the issue is it's.... well, it's not dragging, the pace is decent, it's just.... well, it's boring. It's *shrug*. It's meh. There's just no spark to it. I can't justify giving it a "Don't miss this one!" type of rating. It's a "Maybe you'll enjoy it", "Not entirely a waste of time" sort of jam. Which makes me wonder why I wrote so much on this.... eh, I'm avoiding housework.

3/5 stars

Northern Lights of Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Ashley Williams, and that's the only cast that matters... besides, won't recognize anyone else)

Let it be said that anything with Ashley Williams, I'm giving a minimum of 3 stars. That's the lowest it can possibly get, merely due to her presence. She's a great actress, and I don't just mean by Hallmark standards, she should be in all the things, that's how magnetic and scene-stealing she is. No, I'm not her cousin or something. I've just yet to dislike her in anything I've seen her in, she even lit up the screen in How I Met Your Mother which going up against Alyson Hannigan and Cobie Smulders and Jason Segel (I don't mention the guy that played Ted because beyond not liking the character, I will never understand that casting).

Now, stay with me, here. Because this is one of the more ridiculous summaries on one of these things (and by "things" I mean Hallmark and/or Lifetime Christmas movies, AND I MEAN IT WITH LOVE OF COURSE) that I've seen. *clears throat*

"Zoey has been working hard to own her own plane but everything changes when she inherits a reindeer farm."

If you're anything like me, my What The Fuck radar shot right up. The story is she's left a reindeer farm/ranch by the old man who taught her how to fly who has, obviously, died. And by "farm/ranch", I mean 2 reindeer and y'all, again, huge props when Hallmark bothers to have real animals on these farms and ranches they make their settings, double points when the characters interact with them. So by flying, they mean Cessna-type planes, though we're about 25 minutes in and I've seen no plane. Anyway, she lives in Seattle now (our setting is Alaska) and is a commercial pilot but as summary says, she wants her own. For crop dusting? I have no idea why, they don't really say (or haven't yet) if it's for personal reasons or a new career venture.

Ashley - and I won't be calling her by her character's name in any of these, get used to it - meets the live-in handyman/animal tender/etc. person who is a real pill. Like, he's not exactly rude but I'd just call him brusque and blunt. He initially wants to quit even though he's paid through the winter, but she convinces him to say explaining she needs him to be a partner of sorts, help her decide who she should sell the place to. Ashley grows on him when he sees that even though she had to move away, she genuinely cared about Gus and his wife (the dude who died and his wife who had died prior) and the farm/ranch (they call it both dunno why I think ranch suits better) and that she's a hard worker.

Gus and wife were beloved by the town, and they did it up right at Christmas - part of the barn where the reindeer aren't chillin' is filled with decorations, most notably a sleigh, and it's not lost on me that they're way up north, there's reindeer, there's that sleigh, and he taught her to fly. I mean, "Gus" and not "Kris" or "Nick", but we'll see where this is going. Oh, also? Wife had a box of recipes that Ashley's best friend (whose hubby is the son of the cranky man who owns the local hang-out diner, Americana-type restaurant in town, the menu of which she's always trying to nudge him to add new things) was dying in particular to find a certain cookie recipe that everybody in town loved because she's always wanted to know how to make them. Sounds like Mrs. You-Know-Who To Me. But again, not enough info, I'm writing this as I go, but I tell you I almost don't want it to turn out as that, I like the inference much better. May dock a star if they go full-court-press You Know Who.

I'm eating homemade soup for breakfast because it's getting really nippy here, and there's no oatmeal. I just felt the need to share this with you. I mean, it's hella awesome soup, I'm a good cook. I heated it up during the part where she's going around telling people she's doing up the old Christmas festival like it used to be, the one Gus and wife would host at the ranch. Her angle is, she wants to attract the right sort of people as buyers, people who get the small town mentality and want to keep the ranch essentially the way it is, and people are pumped and excited about the booths they'll have and the food and the post-fair barn dance, and I got bored. Not painfully bored, just wishing-they'd-speed-this-up bored. Put it this way: I was able to make coffee and walk the dog and flip the stove on and heat up said soup whilst only needing to pop in to look at the TV to make sure I hadn't missed something. I hadn't. I get it's necessary, I just think it could've been montaged instead of introducing us to a bunch of side characters by name and hearing what they're gonna do, all we need is showing us their faces during montage, then we'll see them and what they're doing at the fair. Because they're inconsequential to the story. This is classic Hallmark padding runtime when it's simply not needed, not everything has to take up a 2 hour time slot.

Hey, if you want good soup, go on and cook the veg you'll be adding a little more than halfway, and *then* add it to your base, which should consist of some water, yeah, but either beef broth or chicken broth (or I guess veg broth, but gross), your choice, and the other trick is to set it on low and go about your day, homemade soup's better when left to do its own thing over time. I've digressed.

Ah, charter flights. That's what she plans on doing. She mentions it because she's calculating how much she's invested getting stuff up to speed and cost of festival. We've still yet to see Gus' plane. Also, I don't care much for the leading man, he's Dollar Store Brett Dalton (Ward from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) and if you're familiar with Dalton, I'm telling you that all you'll be thinking is "Damn, Brett Dalton would've cleaned up in this role", because this dude's a bit flat. Dalton's been in one of these cheese Christmas movies, too, so the chance is there; matter of fact, he should be either above or below this in one of the other recently reviewed. I can't be bothered to look for the title. None of this matters, moving on.

We see them ride his motorcycle together to go out to the local airport - mainly cargo and quick charters and such - and wouldn't ya know it, the dude that owns/runs it is retiring at the end of the month. Hmmm, wonder where that's going. And I also wonder if this is where the plane Gus flew came from, if he picked up work there, too. If it's been said, I've missed it. Anyway, owner needed her because his dude is sick or something and he says it's 6 towns, mail delivery gig, she is jazzed because as she says "This is the longest I've been on the ground in a long time". Our co-lead doesn't like to fly but he does like to take pictures, so that's how she sells him on coming with her to deliver the stuff.

Kinda like You-Know-Who. Ahem.

Kudos to Hallmark for (a) not going with shitty FX folks, re: the greenscreen for when they're in the cockpit, and (b) for some nice aerial shots of somebody flying a plane. The aurora/northern lights effect also ain't bad. I mean, if you've seen photos of it, it almost looks fake anyway because it's one of those too-good-to-be-true natural occurrences that shouldn't be that vivid. It's like reverse of animal camouflage, I'm thinking specifically of octopi (apparently you can say octopuses now and it's acceptable, but it's not in this house) and if you've not seen that, get yourself to You Tube and get ready to be shocked at those undersea aliens. We've (okay I've) digressed again.

There's a moment of her reminiscing about Gus, but it's short, and this is when our leading dude learns she's gonna be going to Florida to be with her parents for Christmas, and I like this for two reasons: one, these pseudo-dead parents have only been brought up once in a sorrowful way, people have been focused on remembering the good times, and second, she's not leaving because she gives no shits about Christmas and is gradually learning to love it or the usual garbage, nor is she being called away for some career-related thing, it's a legit, understandable reason. Neither of those are getting a bingo square, because even though they may skirt the line, they're being done well.

All right, I'm not going to tell you the ending, because you should put it on your list. As whack-a-doo as the summary has it sounding, they make it work. So because of good casting and a solid script and a unique premise and tied up something in a great way (and because I got ever-so-slightly teary-eyed at one point shut up), this one gets a score of....

4/5 stars

Here’s your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars The Christmas Note - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars The Christmas Contract - 4/5 stars Rocky Mountain Christmas - 4/5 stars Christmas A La Mode - 4/5 stars Northern Lights of Christmas - 4/5 stars The Santa Con - 4/5 stars

#5

Christmas A La Mode (Lifetime, 2019 - Katie Leclerc who I've never seen before in my life but who is quite good in this, and  Ryan Cooper who is really hot depending on the angle, that's the best way I can explain it)

Let me be clear: the *only* reason I am watching this is for y'all. Well, and I'm mending dog toys and need something to semi-stimulate my brain. The title is incredibly off-putting, it's too sweet right out of the gate. But I shall give it a chance.

Your basics are that a dairy farm was left to two sisters by their deceased father and the farm's been in the fam for several generations. Older sister has long since been in the city and sounds like she's some sort of real estate flipper (acquisition, buff up, then sell) because she and her partner, Sometimes Hot Guy (who frequently drops his American accent), are going to sell the farm to a dairy corporation... well, that's what we're told. Put a pin in that, shiftiness comes up later unnecessarily. Anyway, the agreement has a provision that one sister can buy out the other's shares and fully own, so little sis has to raise a hefty six figures in a short amount of time. Older sis is a major dick; having said that, the farm has been circling the drain for awhile now, so she ain't totally out of line.

The summary I saw neglects to mention that they also own an ice cream parlor in town that's typically closed during the winter because of course it is. But, I mean, Baskin Robbins and fro-yo joints and Ben & Jerry's stay open year-round, and yup they bank in hotter months, but why not keep making money? Throwing out stock over, what, 4 months of slow time? Is just stupid. No wonder they're going under. But all right, we'll let that go. Anyhow, her plan is to get some money via opening the ice cream parlor and doing a little contest for people to submit their best Christmas-themed flavors, and she'll whip 'em up, people can try them, then vote on the winner and the winner gets a year of free ice cream. She also does a crowd-funding site.

The summary also neglects to mention (and this is okay, it's supposed to be a plot "oooh") that business partner Sometimes Hot Guy is from the family who is essentially like Mrs. Fields or some shit. So there's this cute moment where her co-worker friend is like - You know, now that we are aware of this, we don't really need his recipe (he won't - and I guess, legally, can't - give it to her), we can just get them from the store. Yeah, co-worker. Yeah. But we can't have pie-baking scenes where she wipes flour off his cheek if they aren't in the same room together.

Oops, left out that part: the killer flavor is this pie he made for her mom mixed in with their vanilla and they call it, fuck my life, Christmas A La Mode.

Compliment: This actress is likely average size IRL (camera adding pounds and all, plus wardrobe didn't do her any favors on her lower half) but I mean in terms of body shape? She's built like a farm girl, she's got actual thighs and rosy, round cheeks, she's not some coathanger in skinny jeans up in there. I am applauding casting department wholeheartedly.... though they whiffed in that she and sis look *nothing* alike. Sis is discount Eva Green, and mom and leading lady are redheads. C'mon casting, just the hair color, that's all we're asking.

Issue: She's a really good actress, I was very pleasantly surprised. But initially there's something slightly juvenile about how she's playing this - "this" being determined to save the farm. She's kinda petulant and refusing to accept reality - and, I mean, maybe they save the farm now but with a disinterested sibling and a mother that's getting older, unless she cranks out some babies (read: farm hands) like, yesterday, I'm not quite sure how this is gonna be sustainable long-term.  (Granted she'll end up with incredibly wealthy pie guy, but I'm saying if she's a business owner, this is something she needs to learn.)

I'll tell ya this, talking about characterization, the gal playing the sister can flip a switch and play the cunt card like a dream, she's a scene-stealer, though my issue here is we have zero background on why she's ice queen about the farm save a mention that when they were little, she was always dying to leave farm life and go to the city. Right, fine, lots of farm kids I am sure feel this way, but why the vitriol? Why not sit down and be kind and explain the financial situation to her mom? Even if little sis is being a brat, why wouldn't she be kind to her mother? I'm fine with her being Bitchy Mc Cuntface, I just wanna know why.

Continuing from above about the pie - it's not just once, he tells her three separate times, and one of them vehemently (and then a follow-up of "You can't tell ANYBODY where these pies came from, say you found the recipe online or whatever") that he ain't telling her the recipe so she can make it herself. Which, I suspect this is gonna come back to bite her in the ass if it's not her original recipe. And it should be - anything they come up with needs to be theirs or else they owe $$$ to whatever the featured product is in a given flavor. So like, early on one of the flavors is Christmas Kiss and she comments that she unwrapped all the Hershey's kisses herself. Well sugarsnap I hope you have some sort of blanket licensing agreement because that ain't cool. You can buy other company's ingredients, of course, but when it's the core of it, the key feature of it, you're in trouble. That's why if a product's "cincher" revolves specifically around another company's product, it'll be noted clearly with a "C" copyright or "TM" or whatever, because that company is - and should be - getting a kick off the profits.

I bring this up because this is an excellent opportunity for a plot point - unless they partner with the pie company or get direct permission (and no, random son saying it's cool matters nothing to a board of directors) then they're out of line. An interesting storyline would be if sister finds out and threatens her that she has to stop or it's gonna mean big legal probs for Sometimes Hot Guy so if she doesn't want that, needs to let sis sell the farm. Then of course Sometimes Hot Guy comes in and says "Hey meet my dad, he owns the company and not only does he give permission but he's investing by way of making up the difference of whatever sum's left over so she can buy you out, Dollar Store Eva Green."  They've not given us any real reason to empathize with our villain of the story so go whole hog, keep her the villain.

All in all, we've ticked a good handful of squares, but we're not in danger zone, miraculously. And even though it ticked the farm box, I have to give compliments that for once one of these stories involving a farm has actual animals shown and the characters interacting with them. The side friend character is also fantastic, I wish I could see her in more stuff, she was great. I know I was nitpicky about the stuff I didn't like (and my resolution is close to the ballpark of what they end up doing.... my tweak is more interesting #humbly), so overall my non-nitpicky complaints are that (a) Sometimes Hot Guy is hit-or-miss with his acting, and (b) the ending scene is fine but they tack on this weird post-end scene that completely takes you out of the moment and is wholly unneeded. But because this was a creative attempt at a unique plot and - above all - our leading lady sells the shit out of it, the score is.....

4/5 stars

Rocky Mountain Christmas (Hallmark, 2017 - Lindy Booth who is great across the board, Kristoffer Polaha who I swear I've seen in something non-Hallmark but I'm not looking it up, and Treat Williams who is and has always been a solid actor)

Let's get the tropey-ness out the way: the bingo boxes this ticks are as follows - family home in danger of being lost; character(s) not really into Christmas for reasons; town festival/celebration; dead parent(s); somebody's famous; somebody owns a ranch; playing in the snow; I stopped counting but I think that’s all.

Lindy is an interior designer and is back home on the horse ranch not only because she had a bad breakup that was really public (a Zuckerberg-esque computer dude who broke up with her for an actress) but it's good because also turns out uncle (who, with his wife, raised her and brother after their parents basically dumped them) has been growing increasingly bummed missing his wife who died recently, and he's gonna sell the ranch. Now this famous dude shows up (I refuse to type "Kristoffer" continuously) and he wants to stay at the ranch and learn the life and horses and whatever for an upcoming movie role, and uncle and brother are actually cool with it even though she's all "Ehhhh..." understandably. But props to them, they do it right, he's put to work and has to stay in the bunk house and the whole nine yards, they ain't just having him follow them and observe or whatever.

She also makes it part of the deal that he's gonna help her finish getting the Christmas parade organized - and by the way, this isn't because she's a Christmas fanatic, it's because her aunt did it every year and she's doing it in her stead. And he is good natured about it, and is happily taking pictures with fans while they're out running errands and afterwards giving them flyers and being like "Here's a couple more, share with friends, you better come!" etc., and basically using his celebrity for good - he also combos it with getting donations at the same time when he gives the streetside bell-ringing Santa a coffee break,  and I genuinely liked this little touch, these are the touches that these canned movies miss that endear us to characters by showing us who they are, not telling us who they are.

The only part that really made me roll my eyes hard in terms of plot is that Lindy's brother (and good casting here, they click really well and are believable as bro and sis) happens to have dreams of being a Hollywood stuntman in the field of horses. Oh and also, their mom was an actress (not Hollywood, I mean working actress). It's just a little too much, we got the point that she's meh on Hollywood types given what she just went through, and the second you hear about brother's deal it's like "Yup, Actor Dude's gonna learn cool shit from him and then he'll get him work on the upcoming movie." I mean, duh. It's overkill. It's fine if it was like - Hey you have taught me so much, have you ever thought about trying to be a stuntman? I'd recommend you, etc. And it was definitely unneeded for the mom part. It's like: we got it. Really. And the songs used (2 if memory serves) are grating, to me, at least but you may disagree.

Otherwise, this is a unique story to my knowledge and the production value is good, and kudos to them for doing a ranch vs. a tree or poinsettia farm, and they actually got horses and had the actors riding/interacting with them - some of these other movies say they're a farm and there's not an animal to be seen and it's fucking weird. So lotsa props in this respect. Also great is that the rando pseudo-girlfriend is actually just a nice person, she's not fake, though I will say this part of the plot is hamfisted and not needed, it just served as a tiny divide between them, that she's shown up wanting to have a real relationship with him (it was a publicity thing, them being together), when the divide of her being gunshy about being with a celebrity was already there, it was fine, the writers didn't need to add anything else. (And also, she seems to care not one flip that he's spending more time with Lindy than herself, and on top of that she is way more into the brother anyway. ???? Ya got me.)

On the whole, this one's really good, it's not a waste of your time, most all the dialogue felt natural and even if shaky it was delivered naturally, everybody's acting is solid across the board, he's not a douche, she's not a bitch, and most importantly your two romantic leads have chemistry, and they got to know each other gradually, and she wasn't all starstruck so if you're into this particular trope and wanna see it done well, then check this one out.

4/5 stars

Matchmaker Santa (Hallmark, 2012 - Lacey Chabert, two basic bitch white dudes, an old man playing Santa who can't act, two really good character actresses who've each been in a lot of stuff, Florence Henderson who I just love seeing in anything, and John Ratzenberger who played Cliff on Cheers and who is a breath of fresh air in this stupidity)

Yup, stupidity. You heard me. This is somehow about the third time I've caught it, so I'm giving in. Boy howdy, does it suck.

Surface area irritation: Everybody's hair is from the 90s. I hated 80s hair but at least it had distinct style; the style of 90s was nobody had any idea what the hell they were doing, particularly when it came to styling and color. Our lead guy's haircut doesn't suit him and is too gelled and sticky-outy in the front (and second lead male, the cut suits him but same with gel and purposeful cowlick look), then Lacey's looks like Helen Keller did the color (at least when she's standing in certain light).

Here's some summary according to googlings because I'm not taking the effort:

As a little girl, Melanie Hogan wished to find her own Prince Charming, just like her parents found true love. Now an adult, Melanie is running her own bakery and dating a handsome CEO, Justin. Although things seem perfect when Justin asks Melanie to spend the holidays together at his beautiful lake house upstate, and meet his mother, Melanie finds herself spending more time with Justin's best friend and loyal assistant, Dean, who just might be harboring a secret crush on her. When complications arise that throw Melanie and Dean together over the holiday, will the two realize they're meant to be?

They get thrown together because best bud went to pick her up from airport, they run into Santa along the way and give him a ride, the car breaks down in a little town that's en route back to the lake so they stay the night. They then have to share a room :::sigh::: And of course as movie goes on, boyfriend is more concerned about anything but her though I will say he's not acting particularly dickish, it's more that he invited her for a romantic evening then planned this party to essentially introduce himself to the board of directors and also to spring introducing her to his (difficult, bitchy) mom all in the same weekend and didn't bother to tell her that the plans had changed. Also in a convoluted turn, his high school girlfriend is the daughter of the head of the board and his mom absolutely loves her, and honestly? She's better suited for him than ol' Lacey is anyway, they click better.

Lacey Chabert, IMO, is not a good actress because she plays the same character in everything she's in (excepting Gretchen Weiners in Mean Girls), and that character is - I have to assume - Lacey Chabert. I mean she's fine in the sense of she isn't a talking stick, there's tone and inflection and actual facial expressions and all that, I'm saying that with the exception of Mean Girls I've never not been like "Yeah that's Lacey Chabert", I've never forgotten it's her. But I mean at least people know what they're gonna get when they hire her. Thing is, I've seen her in several of these movies now and I gotta say, if she's had chemistry with *any* of her male leads, I've yet to notice.

Bottom line: this story is just dumb. It's basic. There's nothing creative or noteworthy about it. Person makes Christmas (or birthday or falling star or New Year's or what-fuck-ever) wish when they were little and now it's coming true, and here comes romance. We've seen this and iterations of this a thousand times. Add in tropes, stir, bake at 350 til gold and bubbly. It is obvious nobody tried - except the Santa man, he tried, but he's ill-cast so oh, well. Flo Henderson and Ratzenberger ain't in it enough to help it skate by on charm. The pacing is bad, too, at an hour in we've only just gotten to the hotel.

Let me give you an example of how stupid this movie is: When boyfriend and old prom date are walking outside to leave to take her car to go pick them up from small town (where, by the way, they are presently dressed as elves and helping Santa I shit you not), glitter-shiny-whoosh-fade-in, it's a grizzly bear by the car growling, because ooooooh Christmas magic. I'm not against "magic" in these movies but can we be a little more subtle? I have no idea how the quality/old school actors got roped into this trash.

Also? If you make it to the end? The final scene is possibly one of the worst, most ridiculous, most implausible (yes, even for this movie) things I've ever witnessed in these movies. It gets a star for the good side character casting. 

1/5 stars

A Crown For Christmas (Hallmark, 2015 - Danica McKellar, other people)

The plot's what you think, re: see title.  He's a king, she's the nanny to precocious princess child. They have negative levels of chemistry, it's that bad.

As discussed last year, something's happened in the time since Wonder Years, and Danica McKellar absolutely positively cannot act. There was one exception (again, see last year) but that's one out of like, a half-dozen of these Christmas movies I've seen - or have *tried* to see - with her in them. 

This movie isn't worth a write-up, it's seriously that bad. The kid does remind me of a young Lindsay Lohan circa Parent Trap, and the guy playing the king is an okay actor. Problem is, the character of the king is a real bitch pussy. I hate this movie, even the sets and costumes look cheap. Ugh. Seriously, don't bother, it is garbage. 

0/5 stars

The Christmas Contract (Lifetime, 2018 - Hilarie Burton, Dannnnnnneeeeeeeeeel Ackles guest starring botox, a dude called Robert Buckley who seems familiar, apparently fourteen other people from an old-ass teen show called One Tree Hill which I never watched, Cheryl Ladd, Bruce Boxleitner, and Jason London who you will not recognize even a little, and you'll see this movie and think I'm wrong, and I'm not wrong, I swear it's Jason London, he's the brother in law, look it up)

I avoided this one last year for Reasons, but upon catching it again, it cannot be denied.

First, the ticked boxes: there's a Christmas festival. Pretend to be my boyfriend. Lots of Christmas activities. Someone is a lawyer. Someone is an author. Character demonstrates a talent.

Basically dude agrees to go with Hilarie back home and act like her boyfriend - they literally sign a literal contract - and while he's at it, he's supposed to be working on a ghostwriting assignment about romance wherein he's given a list of plot points and told that the characters have to tick off every item on the list. But he feels a little lost about how the scenes should play out so he starts sneaksy playing them out with Burton under the guise of "Hey we need to make this look good for everyone".  There's an ex boyfriend who reveals the plan, which, you know, whatever, by this point they're genuinely into each other, but it's when she finds out that he's essentially using her for a book plot, she understandably gets pissed.

I will give 'em this: no one went bugfuck crazy with affecting super thick Creole accents or something. And minus Ackles and some of the randoms (Ackles in particular cannot act in a natural manner to the point it's distracting in any given scene), everybody can act. Burton especially deserves to be in higher caliber stuff. And she and the lead dude have solid chemistry. She has chemistry with everybody, honestly, she's just a good actor, period. Well, at least in this, it's not like I've seen her in tons of stuff. But I recall liking her in White Collar. Okay, I digress.

Irksome is that music is a featured artist so I don't know if this is another friend of theirs from that old show, or something? If so then hey, meta. But his music plays a couple times, then they even have him in person at the festival or whatever it is, and we get to hear him sing "live" and so that all takes up precious minutes we'll never get back. I mean, he can carry a tune and all, it's just that it's basic bitch music. And he actually pimps his album, it's awkward. Now, I will say the score itself though is overall great, really a step up from the usual fare in these movies. They do have a moment where she is supposedly playing fiddle and it looks horrible. I don't care if she can play in real life (I'm not looking it up), the way it was filmed, then, made it look as if she can't, and I don't know why they did this, it was completely unnecessary.

There's some schlock (especially the end), and family's just a hair too far on the shmoop side, but it's not intolerable. Also good is that Ackles' screentime is limited. I can't express enough what a poor actor she is, but again, as I've said about others, this is a prime example: if you dream of becoming an actor, someone has hired this person and therefore you can get hired, too. Here's the thing: it is such a shitty plot, so lazy. This is one of the granddaddies of all the tropes. I mean, the official summary doesn't mince words--- "It’s Jolie’s first time going back home to Louisiana since her devastating break up with Foster . Seeing him is inevitable as their parents run the town’s annual Christmas Market together, but when she discovers Foster is bringing home a new girlfriend, Jolie cannot bear the thought of going home alone and seeing them together." ---so you can't say you didn't know what you were getting into.

But.

And I can't believe I'm saying this.

Minus a slightly stilted kick-off the pace is even, the chemistry of the leads (+ with her family) is there, they elevate some dialogue that in other hands could've been clunky, we've got a unique setting that isn't fucking Vermont and snowing (blessedly this means we have no awkward snowball fights and snowman making and pine tree cutting down and snow angel making and ice skating), they show her making hot chocolate but there's no big gingerbread cookie making scene so that's refreshing, and nobody is like coked-up elves about Christmas, they dig it, they run a fair at this time of year, but no one's foaming at the mouth over it.

I do have to dock it stars because of the music thing and because of the premise of it - we could've gotten to this same place differently, re: these 2 people who don't really like each other needing something that the other can provide without it having to do with the chick being insecure over another guy. On the other hand? Burton doesn't play it insecure, she is not weepy or looking longingly at the ex or what-have-you, she's actually dodging him for the most part. Because of that, I'll give a star back. And if they'd not done the hamfisted music thing with that guy it'd probs be 5. In any event, the ending was pretty damned good and creative.

4/5 stars

Here’s your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars The Christmas Contract - 4/5 stars Rocky Mountain Christmas - 4/5 stars Christmas A La Mode - 4/5 stars

#4

Fir Crazy (Hallmark, 2013 - Eric Johnson and Sarah Lancaster, both of whom I've liked in non-Hallmark stuff and both of whom are good actors, and Colin Mochrie who is typically a delight but is miscast here)

I could've sworn we did this one last year but nope.  Anyway, out of the gate we're kickin' it on the bingo card: somebody isn't into Christmas, family owns a tree farm, family business in danger of being lost, precocious children - but it doesn't tick too terribly many.

So she gets laid off from her big city exec job but it is kind've fortuitous because her parents' prime time for the family business is upon the horizon, because Christmas, and because they have a tree farm upstate (we're in NYC). Since she's got free time, she calls a headhunter and is like "Holla when shit comes up" (a side plot we don't need, as well as smarmy ex-boyfriend, neither were needed, just have her lost job), as she has to run the tree lot in the city this year because for some reason the parents can't, I forget why, so it's basically her and her cousin (who is great) trading off staying nights in the trailer they've got parked next to this sidewalk area that the fam has had an agreement with the city to rent for a bazillionty years now.

Okay, so, the store next to where the sidewalk area is, is some accessories-furniture-type thing (Restoration Hardware-esque, but more expensive, but looks cheaper) and the owner is a real Scrooge. That's Mochrie's role, which is why I say he's miscast, and it's a shame. He should've been allowed to be in a fun role because I think the intent was for his character to be snarky-funny but it's just coming off as obnoxious, so it's not fun (though of course, this is a Hallmark movie, so he un-Scrooges by the end). But as far as good characters - there is this one little girl who is a hoot and the barista had me chuckle once, too.  Then we meet this great couple who bounce off each other well and are just completely wonderful and they come in at about 45 til the end and it's a shame they weren't utilized more. Actually all the side characters are great, from the homeless man who they hire to the manager of the store to the customers.

And your leads click, both in ease of convo and believability that they could be romantic, though only to about the 90% mark - I could see them as best friends more (it's one of the poorer kisses I've seen in romance movies, eeeek), but both are charming and likable and nothing is shmoopy. Seriously, there's no barfy shmoop in this movie, there's sweetness and sincerity. Plus, even though it's tree farm trope, this is creative. It's putting them smack in the middle of NYC instead of everybody being upstate. I say that to say, it's a mix of hometown (a "forest" as it were) and the city (though we're not subjected to the typical ice skating at Central Park and the like) and hey, I'm even gonna give it props for the title being only mildly eye-roll cutesy and ::gasp!!:: not having "Christmas" or "tree" in it.

Guys, this one's solid. The only thing that's not smooth is the store owner being a PITA angle, so it gets a touch grating, like, you know what's coming so you're more than ready for them to get on with it, but that's really the only thing that is a hitch in the pacing, otherwise this one is worth your time.

4/5 stars

The Nine Lives of Christmas (Hallmark, 2014 - Brandon Routh, Kimberley Sustad)

Official Summary: 

Fireman Zachary Stone (Routh) is a confirmed bachelor who doesn’t believe in love or commitment. When a stray tabby cat named Ambrose shows up at his door, Zachary takes him in and slowly starts to see that a little companionship might not be so bad after all. Zachary’s commitment to solitude is further challenged when he meets Marilee (Sustad), an animal lover and veterinary student who teaches Zachary how to care for his new feline roommate.

Nope.

1/5 stars, don't even need to see it, and that 1 star is because Brandon Routh is awesome

Welcome To Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Jennifer Finnigan, Eric Mabius - both of whom I recognize from non-Hallmark stuff)

So, Christmas is the name of the town.

We're getting fucked, just right out of the gate. ::sigh::

Squares ticked: town in danger of being lost, dead parent, children, somebody's not into Christmas (the holiday, not the town), celebration/festival in town. shmoopy activities, main characters sing carols, etc.

All right, she's a real estate something-or-other who's there to scope out the joint for development purposes. They tell the town everything will be the same, just that they'll have a ski resort and it will bolster income. However, towards the end, she discovers the firm does want to modernize the town, and blah blah blah you know where this is going.

I thought of, right off the top of my head, three other movies with this plot, one of which we just covered in the last entry.

He is the handsome sheriff with the dead wife and two adorable daughters who, of course, immediately take to her. I mean, this is just basic bitch shit, there is nothing original whatsoever about any of this. The leads have chemistry and both are good actors. Matter of fact I really like Mabius, he is talented and haaaaaandsome, I wish he were the lead in all these.

It's the standard fare, you may like it, but otherwise it's fine background noise. Other than an intolerable song at about the 20 'til mark. * cringe *

3/5 stars

Switched For Christmas (Hallmark, 2017 - Candace Cameron Bure x 2, Eion Bailey and Mark Deklin, both of whom you'll recognize)

Mentioned this last year but for whatever reason didn't go over it. Again, and I'll keep saying it - no matter how shitty the script, Candace elevates everything she's in, but in this case the script ain't shitty, it's actually a solid premise, however fantastical. Chris and Kate (both Candace, of course) are identical twins and they decide to switch places for Christmas. Several people are in on the secret - Chris has 2 older (teen/pre-teen) kids and they are pretending to be her niece and nephew around the dude who becomes her romantic interest because... reasons? I'm not certain. But their dad also knows the scoop, which I actually liked because there ain't no way any of those 3 would've been fooled so it was - shockingly for Hallmark movie - sensible.

Here's Hallmark's summary that tells more about why they did it:

"Just because they are identical does not mean these twins even like each other. Estranged twin sisters get together for an obligatory pre-Christmas lunch, a year after their mother's death. Both women are unhappy and frustrated with their own lives. Though not close, each is envious of the other's life. What's a twin to do but take advantage of this? And who would be the wiser? They do what any identical twins in need of new outlooks would do: they swap lives until Christmas Day, and by doing so, each woman discovers the true meaning of her life and gains a deeper perspective and appreciation for what she already had."

They each fall for somebody, and the dudes in turn fall for them, but the issue is that the twins think they've fallen for the personality/the life/etc. of the opposite twin so they each kinda feel like they aren't the one the dude is interested in, that they're into the other sister.  These guys should be pissed but they aren't, not really. I'll let you guess the end.

Your three leads are awesome, all can act, and - as said - especially Candace, and this had to be exhausting to pull off. Not only is each scene probably done at least couple times to get a handful of takes, she has to double-back and do it more times because of the opposite twin role. The amount of lines she had to memorize is astounding, not to mention developing two different characters with different (although not drastically) personalities. She nailed it.

Bottom line: this movie could've gone trash in a hot minute, but it didn't, because they did some stellar casting (Candace's daughter Natasha actually plays her daughter) and everyone can actually act. The premise is unrealistic and likely unsustainable for longer than a couple days in real life (the mention of them being "estranged" is particularly odd to me because there's definitely no way they'd be able to pull this off without being close so that they knew a lot about each other's lives), but what saved it was, like I say, the sensibility of having some key players in the know who supported them. This also, surprisingly, didn't tick a ton of bingo boxes, and I didn't find it a waste of my time. It's a fun flick, I'm only dinging it for the making estranged thing and the dudes not being more upset for being lied to than they were because in whack-a-doo stories, you gotta write everything else as real as possible so that the audience is more accepting of the whack-a-doo, and they slipped a touch there.

4/5 stars

I have two stupid ones for you to avoid that are just over-acted and either totally ridiculous + poorly acted (the first one) and totally typical + poorly acted (the second one). Let's just make this quick for all our sakes:

Magic Stocking (Hallmark, 2015 - nobody you'll know... well maybe this dude called Victor Webster, he's actually decent, hate he got stuck in this dreck) Official summary:

"Lindsey, a single mom with an adorable daughter, is closed off to life after losing her husband a few years back. When she buys a stocking at her town’s Christmas craft fair, the family begins “magically” finding items in the stocking that they learn have importance in their lives."

It's schlock and just plain insulting to your intelligence, and I didn't give a shit if they got together or not, something about the leading lady worked my nerves. I didn't need her to believe in the "magic", I just needed her to be able to investigate it without being so dialed up to 11 about it, she looked like she was close to exploding in the majority of it.

And....

Christmas At Pemberley Manor (Hallmark, 2018 - that chick Jessica Lowndes from that movie we covered in prior entries who can't act, and Michael Rady who you may recognize, too)

I mean, she can't act, so it's irritating the whole way through the basic bitch plot. Also? Check what they did with the names, which is absolutely positively insulting, and Austen has triple Salchow'd in her grave. Official summary:

"As Christmas approaches, Elizabeth Bennett, a New York event planner, is sent to a quaint, small town to organize their holiday festival. When she arrives, she finds William Darcy, a high-profile billionaire lacking in holiday spirit, in the process of selling the charming estate she hoped to use as a venue. Determined to make her event a success, Elizabeth persuades the reluctant Darcy to let her hold the festival on the historical estate once known for its holiday cheer. When they wind up working together to arrange the festivities, the unlikely pair begins falling for each other. But when complications arise and the festival is unexpectedly shut down, the couple parts ways and Darcy moves forward with his plans to sell the estate. On the night before Christmas, a wistful Elizabeth hopes for a Christmas miracle to revive the festival, save the estate and rekindle her holiday romance."  

For both of them: 1/5 stars

Here's your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars

#3

Picture A Perfect Christmas (Hallmark, 2019 - Merritt Patterson who is familiar to me from other of these movies, and a dude who I've never seen before in my life)

We kick off the movie with single dad who has custody of his nephew, and they're talking about how they have to pick out a new nanny for him for the two weeks kid is off school for the holidays and Uncle Daddy has big shit going on at his office. Then we cut to her, and she's having dinner with her boyfriend, who she is completely uninterested in even though right now he seems like a pretty decent dude. We cut to see that kid's babysitter is an elderly woman (their neighbor) who is really nice and mentions her granddaughter... or niece, I can't remember even though I just heard it... and guess who she is, and she's coming to visit?

This is what kills me about Hallmark movies: They front load you with so much information that you're like "Baaaahhh!", and then they drag out the movie, and then it abruptly ends. 

Okay, it's her grandma. And she's on a Christmas pageant planning committee. (Box ticked) Kid's an orphan, so dead parents. (Box ticked) And of course, kid himself, who is precocious and will likely bring everyone together. (Box ticked) I have to take a shower, I bet money I can be away from this movie for 15-20 minutes and not miss a damn thing. Let's find out, for science.

[time passes]

Yeah, I've missed nothing. Here's what's kind've odd - it's like she's falling for the kid and not him. They have zero chemistry, and it's like she's wanting more to be the kid's mom than wanting to be this dude's wife. Also, his haircut is really distracting, it is some kinds of awful.

Okay, well, this is just cookie-cutter. There's nothing remarkable or original or super-egregious about it. So if you just want something to pass time, here you go.

3/5 stars

Mingle All The Way (Hallmark, 2018 - chick named Jen Lilley who should be in more shit, and dude named Brant Daugherty who is discount John Krazinski but still great)

I checked, and we talked about this one last year so I'll re-post the scoop below, but anyway it came on and I re-watched it while I was ironing, and it holds up, it's just solid from top to bottom. I rated it 4/5 last year, but it's getting top score this year upon reconsideration, because there's so few flaws. It's creative, the script has sharpness to it, and acting's good across the board, and most importantly our 2 leads click. Here's what I wrote last year:

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it’s clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that’s not a dating app, it’s purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it’s not just family, or friend party that’s not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s supposed to be like “And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business”. Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well… not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like “Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?” and since she’s got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom’s on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it’s compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She’s not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he’s not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn’t invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he’s only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I’ve experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I’ve digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up (‘cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There’s touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck.

5/5 stars

Last Vermont Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Erin Cahill, Justin Bruening - both of whom I recognize)

Hey guess what, this may be their last Vermont Christmas. ::sigh:: Main chick and her 2 sisters and her daughter (single mom, dead husband, box checked, as well as adorable child, check) have converged on the family home in Vermont to find that mom and dad are selling, and I get it, it's huge and they're ready to scale down because they're retired. But, selfishly, one of the sisters - oh, and PS? they look *nothing* alike, casting couldn't even be bothered to get women with the same hair color - decides to sabotage things. So like, when the inspector comes, she and her sorta boyfriend follow him around and make little comments about stuff like termites, then they made sure the fuse box had all kinds of fat wires with caps protruding out of it - you know, like what you'll find if you're changing a light fixture, which is not how fuse boxes work - and I think there was something with some steps.

Anyway none of this matters. What matters is that lead dude is a contractor and is also lead chick's ex from way-back-when, before she met man of dreams and had daughter and moved away to some far off state, I wasn't paying attention. But they get along great and are occasionally a little cheeky with each other, so that's fine. So now he's around doing these faux repairs and they're kind and looping him into their Christmas stuff, which they are disgustingly picture perfect. They cut down their own tree. They go caroling. They bake cookies. They hand-make their ornaments every damn year. I hate them. Well, the writers. It's too much. That was all in roughly the first 45 minutes, too. I'm sure some families out there take it to the mat with Christmas, but holy shit. Okay, add gingerbread houses from scratch (they made sure to show the baking pan with more squares so you know this) to the list. 

This is blowing up the bingo like 'Nam. There's now a snowball fight. Family tree decorating scene with, of course, these special handmade ornaments plus ornaments from years past where they're recalling special times. Ohmigawd, I need to fill out a card for this one, it's insane, I almost can't keep up. Oop, "Grandma's special hot chocolate". Character demonstrates talent (one of the sisters, singing). I legit am not lying, these are coming so fast I'm having trouble keeping up.

He's also somehow in cahoots with the realtor, because he had committed to buying the house, but he says it doesn't feel right now that he's back to getting chubs from his ex, and she's like "Well if you don't then we're still gonna settle up" and I have no idea what that means, does that mean she expects him to pay her the commission she'd have gotten? Is this normal practice? Realtors must have stuff fall through all the time, they'll end up selling and get a commission and who knows, maybe at a better price, so.... ????? The hell? 

Speaking of him, two things: one, his name is Nash (heh) and two, I went to imdb to check the summary to see if I forgot/missed anything and the reviews are hilarious, a ton of them mention how distracting his hair is - he just has lots of it, seems really thick, and it's shaved tight on the sides, so he's got a decent amount atop his dome, but it's only really noticeable when it's slicked straight back. But people were losing their shit over it. I don't find it that distracting, but you may, I find youngest sister's perpetually greasy 1970s hair (not her fault, that's hair and make-up's fault) more irritating.

Okay, so, there's no way this can get a 3, there's too much bingo hits. But aside from that, the acting - especially from youngest sister, who overacts - is very stilted and unnatural, and on occasion the editor left in these pauses in dialogue that are just a touch too long, so I think that's part of the issue. I don't mind the story at all, it's not something we see all the time and thank the lord it's not "family business in danger" - though oh shit, I forgot, this counts as "family home in danger", so there's another square. This is trope-a-palooza. Wait, snowman building. Town has celebration. Okay, I'm done listing, I think we all know where this has to go.

1/5 stars

Reunited At Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Nikki Deloach, who you'll recognize, and other character actors you'll recognize)

So lead chick's mom and dad are making everything weird with all these passive-aggressive comments about the past via mom and shmoopy comments about the past via dad. (They're divorced so I can't figure why they're all shacked up in this house for Christmas with their adult children and their partners.) Lead chick also agreed to her boyfriend's proposal - and he seems like a great guy - even though she's not ready, which is mature. At least within about 10 mins. of it happening she ponies up that she's not into being engaged, and he's a good actor, and it really is kinda sad, I feel for him. So he's all - Imma finish chopping this wood then head back to spend Christmas with my family and we'll regroup after the holidays, and she's all "For real?!" and I'm all "Are you surprised?!"

Y'all this one bored me, I didn't make it past roughly the first 45 minutes, I just didn't care if they got back together and I presume based on the title that they do. Nobody's acting was egregious or anything, it was just slogging and I wasn't engaged because this plot isn't creative at all - I mean, here's the official summary:

Frazzled and struggling with writer's block, novelist Samantha (Deloach), along with her boyfriend, heads home to her late grandmother's home to spend Christmas. While at home with family, her grandmother's wise words reveal the true meaning of Christmas with Samantha at a time when she most needs encouragement.

But again, based on the first part, that doesn't seem to be the plot - I mean seriously, we go through all this family activities stuff, and her and the boyfriend having several different conversations about the not wanting to be engaged thing (one at skating rink, one whilst he's chopping wood, one while back at the house), so there's literally no real mention of grandma by that point, and we're almost at an hour what with commercial breaks and such. So that's it. That's all they've accomplished in basically the first half of the movie. And they managed to hit a bunch of squares (someone's an author, someone gets engaged, skating, tree decorating, baking, etc.) and I'm sure there was more to come. It's the pacing that kills this one, as well as the basic bitch plot, but hey it'll serve as background noise.

2/5 stars  

Small Town Christmas (Hallmark 2018 - Ashley Newbrough who is poor man's Denise Richards, Ryan McDonell who you'll recognize and is a really good actor)

She's an author (check box) on a national book tour and her last stop is the town she's from, upon which the book is based, and her name is Nelle and you'll remember this because for some reason every time someone speaks to her they have to say her name. Okay, maybe not *every* time but it caught my ear, even when I was distracted doing something else or had stepped into another room, they just say her name *constantly* and I don't get it.  The bookstore owner is an almost-was from the past, and there was some mix-up back when they both lived in New York about her leaving him a note and saying to meet her for some reason but he didn't show because turned out he had to leave because his sister had unexpectedly died, but then also he'd written her a letter explaining that she never got but he assumed she got and never contacted him. But then she had texted him a few times over the years and he'd never responded. Because everyone is twelve. I'm not tracking with this completely, though I do get the feeling of just wanting to let something go and let it be in the past. 

Anyway, more drama is that his sister had died so he - name is Emmett - has custody of niece, who is a great little actress and not one bit irritating, she's very cool. Also, her dynamic with uncle is great and like I say, he's a fantastic actor. Poor man's Denise Richards is fine, too, I've got no complaints, honestly. Also pleasant are the peripheral characters of the townspeople. Seriously, across the board, nobody is annoying or eye-rolly, everyone's acting is natural. All right, so close-knit town and some drama is that Brad, this real estate agent who's repping a big dawg firm wants to essentially buy up the town, at least the entirety of the main street/the shops to redevelop, and the part that's cool is that they all talk about it reasonably - some of them being hold outs, some of them really considering it - like adults, nobody's fighting or being douchebags. Then it gets to where the last hold-out is Emmett and he's thinking of Marnie, the kid, because this was her mom's store and so it's technically hers though he has power of attorney. 

Also happening is that Brad is trying to sell the investors on the fact that this town is Ideal Christmas Place, that it's super traditional and the townsfolk do it up right and whatnot, and they are thus far not impressed by what they are seeing. ???? I don't get it, if they want to redevelop then aren't they more concerned about the land/the property value? I'm missing something. Emmett finally agrees and Nelle fusses at him and because Brad's been into her, he's shared what the plan really is with her, and she swipes his notebook and shows Emmett "Look this is some shitass mall or something, you dun goofed". And Brad whiffed because the promise was that the stores would be left alone and they'd all still work there/be the management, it'd just be owned by the corporation and - oh I get it now, they want it to be a big tourist town like thing during the winter holiday seasons. Okay, gotcha. Anyway, I'll let you guess how everything turns out in the end.

I actually liked this one, it could've gone majorly shmoop and tropey fast - I mean, it popped on more than a few bingo squares (bookstore owner, dead parents, author, Christmas tree decorating, town festival/celebration, family business is in danger of being lost, child character) but again, the whole vibe of this movie is casual and natural and it flows and the pacing is on point. The reason for their initial fall-out is a bit "Huh?" but I appreciate that it wasn't something complicated, it was more to real life which is that it is more often than not that it's silly little misunderstandings that drive us apart and if we'd just friggin' speak the hell up, we'd realize it's not a big deal. The two leads really clicked and that was so nice to see since the majority of these movies they don't. Guys, this is one worth watching, I'm only dinging it because too many squares were hit.

4/5 stars

The Christmas Card (Hallmark, 2006 - Ed Asner, Alice Evans, John Newton)

Ed Asner is a gift, and I won't hear otherwise. You'll also recognize the two leads, I've seen them in other stuff. And no, that date's not wrong, this is an oldie and by my estimation these Hallmark movies get more solid on the whole the further back you go, it's like they gave a fuck about nuance in the script vs. recycling plots for the most part so they can crank these babies out like rabbits in perpetual heat. I suspect that's the reason for the 2 star rating you'll see when you hit "info" on the remote. But fuck that, because here's a factoid - other than that I'm about to give this one a 5 (spoiler), Ed Asner was nominated for a Primetime Emmy for it, so I assure you, it's better than that 2 star will indicate.

So here's the first part of the plot from Wikipedia:

In the midst of war in Afghanistan, U.S. Army Master Sergeant Cody Cullen (John Newton) is given a Christmas card from a fellow soldier who had received it from his hometown, Nevada City, California. The card was sent by Faith Spelman (Alice Evans). As months pass, the card never leaves his side. Cody, who has no family, and whose father was killed during the Vietnam War, is deeply affected when the soldier who gave him the card is killed. A few weeks before Christmas, Cody travels to see the soldier's widow, back in Nevada City. Just as he is about to leave town, Cody runs into Faith at a local luncheonette, where they happened to have placed identical orders. They part, but on his way out of town, Cody saves Faith's father, Luke (Ed Asner), from being hit by a speeding car. Luke takes a liking to Cody and convinces him to stay on as temporary help at his family's logging company. Paul (Ben Weber), Faith's longtime boyfriend who travels much of the time, and who selfishly wants Faith to move away from her close-knit family in Nevada City, arrives to meet her.

Everyone nails it. You believe that a part of Faith genuinely cares about the asscrack who's been stringing her along, and that actor nails the whole dickbag routine without being so obnoxious it makes you want to drop-kick the TV. Cody is quietly charming and sells you on the fact that yes, he loves her, and so much that he's not willing to potentially ruin her life, even if it's a life without him. Ed Asner is perfection in his role as the loving and slightly meddlesome dad. The mom is great. The friend is great. All the side characters are great. There is not a bit of cheese in this movie, nothing is tropey, nothing is schlocky, it's just heartwarming. And there are *zero* of the typical cliche elements that arise in these movies featuring troops/veterans. It was so goddamned refreshing as compared to 95% of what Hallmark cranks out now, I genuinely can't believe this is from the same braintrust. 

If it comes on, do yourself a favor and watch it. 

5/5 stars 

Here’s your 4 and 5 stars thus far:

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars

#2

Christmas Made To Order (Hallmark, 2018 - THE DUDE WHO PLAYED AARON SAMUELS IN "MEAN GIRLS"!!!! and a chick who can't act even a little bit)

I cannot emphasize how bad an actress the leading lady is, it is painfully bad. It's not as intolerable as Kellie Pickler, but she's a close damn second. That's how bad it is. I looked her up to see who the fuck would've ever hired her, her name is Alexa Pena Vega, which I tell you so you can immediately change the channel if you see her name in the credits. The only thing from fairly recent past that's of note is that she appeared in 7 episodes of the TV show "Nashville", 90% of what she's done I've never heard of but she's had steady work since she was a kid, and I tell you this because you, too, can be an actor if this person can. 

This movie's plot is bland, the script is stilted, the tone is shmoopy, the pacing is draggy, and it hits way too many bingo squares. Everything about it is irritating. The part that irritated me most was where they're singing "Angels We Have Heard On High" and when getting to "in excelsis deo" they pronounce it "egg-shell-sees", which is wrong, it's more like "eck-chel-sees", hitting that "ch" and last "s" light. I've sang in choirs in Carnegie Hall not once, but twice, you can trust me. There, now you know. 

I feel sorry for Aaron Samuels (Jonathan. His name is Jonathan Bennett. I'm sorry also that everyone, including me, probably calls him Aaron Samuels). He ain't that great in this, and I feel like it's because of the material/people he had to work with. The peripheral family members are overall kind've stiff or something, too. So maybe this is also a director issue? But ol' Alexa, man, she is of the suck, high school kids do better than this. I'm not bothering to give you the summary... I mean, it's basically the title, she's a Christmas party coordinator who's hired by him. I will say I'm happy it reminded me I need to pull a recipe for crockpot mulled cider, so there's that. I'll give it a star for that. We'll file this under background noise, because if you pay attention to it, she's gonna work your nerves then squeeze the last. 

1/5 stars 

Holiday For Heroes (Hallmark, 2019 - Marc Blucas, Melissa Claire Egan)

This one ain't too terribly bad. It's the second military-at-Christmas movie that Blucas has been in for Hallmark (that I've seen) and I have to confess, I was subconsciously comparing that one to this one because that one was pretty damn good (see last year's list, linked above). But Blucas is a really solid actor, everything I've ever seen him in, it comes off naturally. Having said that, I feel like he's been some sort of military something-or-other in most everything I've seen him in (*waves to fellow Buffy fans*), so it could just be he's nailing this shtick. 

She's a little too Mary Poppins - you know, practically perfect in every way - except without the sass, so it's saccharine but I don't blame her, she seems a decent actress who's playing the cards she's been dealt. One of those cards is that her phone ring is a Christmas carol. ::sigh:: I actually laughed out loud at the skating part because any full shot to where you could potentially see her face coupled with a body that had feet wearing skates was either super-far away like they were filming from Mars or, I shit you not, her face was obscured by a hockey net. Girl, it's cool if you got weak ankles or were traumatized by a zamboni or something. But like, don't take the role, ask for a summer movie. 

Okay, here's the problem - this movie is pretty boring. I looked at the clock probably every thirty minutes because I kept thinking "This has to be getting close to the end, right?" These two don't have any romantic chemistry, but they click, it's just I could picture them playing more brother and sister. But the story is blah, I simply didn't care about her getting her party to happen and yeah, it's not for personal, self-serving reasons, it's for a good cause (kids! soldiers!), but I just couldn't find myself caring if she pulled it off or not.  And then he's struggling between choosing a teaching job  or re-enlisting, but he didn't seem particularly stressed, so I wasn't stressed, and you know what *would* have been interesting? How the whole thing started out: somehow (and I can't recall how - maybe through her brother? because he's in the same unit?) they were paired up writing letters while he was deployed and so they knew all this cool stuff about each other, not terribly intimate but definitely personal tidbits, and I could've gotten into a movie that kept them writing letters for a little longer - there was actually a brief thing about his last letter that was lost, and that definitely could've been something interesting, when it finally turned up, that he'd written something very personal/important that he opted not to tell once he met her in person, but that potential firework turned out to be a dud. 

Instead he's back and they meet in person in essentially the first 20 minutes, maybe the first 10 - it was fast, is my point. I think maybe if they had them meeting a little later, we could've gotten to know them better and then we'd be rooting for them in both their individual issues and be rooting for them to get together. Or not, fuck, I don't know. All I know is that the title is deceptive because there were no "miracles", not in a magical or spiritual sense, and also because nothing exciting or unexpected happened, everything unfolds precisely how you expect it will. No really. What you guess early on is exactly what happens. Eh. It didn't hit enough squares to launch it down to 1 or 2 stars, it's not a complete waste of your time, but man is it dancing on the line. 

3/5 stars

Merry And Bright (Hallmark, 2019 - Jodie Sweetin and her new teeth, Andrew Walker who's that guy in lots of these movies upon whose cheekbones one could cut diamonds)

She owns a candy cane company. That's it. That's all they do, candy canes at Christmas. The red and white standard kind. They have business at one time per year and are super successful, mega rich judging by the offices and the houses in which they live. 

Suspension of disbelief, check.

Classic "family business is in danger" story, bonus dead grandmother which is the catalyst for her taking over the company. Side storyline of her mom fostering a dog that's going to end up being her Christmas present. There is no reason for this side storyline, but doggie is cute as all-get-out, so we'll give it a pass. Of course there's a baking scene. Somebody who's not into Christmas gets converted. It hits multiple boxes. 

So, Cheekbones is a consultant sent to advise Jodie on where to cut costs and consolidate, and I hope he tells her first and foremost that one cannot sustain a business for, broadly, two months out of the year, not unless they are the monopoly on candy canes. Which, they aren't. So my first thought is "make flavored canes" and "make sprinkles of said flavored canes" and "make frosting and cake mixes based on said flavors" and liqueur and patent a certain stripe pattern for the canes, then sell wrapping paper in these patterns. You know, shit that sells all year. I majored in business and minored in marketing in undergrad, I can't control when it kicks in.

They find each other difficult, which means of course they'll fall in love. Let's just jump to the end: they diversify with different flavors and they fall in love. PS: no chemistry PPS: her last name is Merriweather and the town's name is Brightwell. Get it? Merry and Bright? Yeah, they didn't just mean the song.  ::sighs::  This is just Typical with a capital "T". I was bored, but it's well-made production value-wise and is fine for background while you're cleaning or something. 

3/5 stars

A Christmas For The Books (Hallmark, 2018 - people you've neither heard of nor will recognize... unless they've been in other Hallmarks, which I'm sure they have)

This one drags so, so badly. It hits too many boxes. There's a Christmas gala. Pretending to be someone's boyfriend. Somebody's famous. Somebody's an author. Did I mention it drags? It draaaaaaags. And I am 99% certain the plot is identical to another one of these movies I've seen (perhaps on a different channel, though). The deal is that she's a romance "expert" but her own relationship just fell apart so she asks her show's producer to pretend to be her boyfriend for the benefit of the higher-ups who are giving her said show, which he does but then his on-again-off-again girlfriend shows up. She's pissed, naturally, and our lead gal lies to her and says "No I'm counseling him so he'll be a better boyfriend to you" and she's an idiot and falls for it, and they end up being best buds. ??? Okay. But here's the thing: she still ends up with dude at the end. And they have zeeeeeero chemistry. Just skip this one. Draaaaaaag. The acting is flat across the board, excepting aforementioned girlfriend who is over-the-top. 

Swear I've seen this exact plot, though. I can see one of the early scenes clear as a bell in my mind. Beautiful brunette lady, they're all outside by a gazebo or some such, she's about to go live or tape in front of audience for her show, and fiance breaks up with her, and I want to say that the guy she pretends with is either a long-time friend, or that they dated in the past. Possibly both. I'm googling this. 

* time passes *

Holy shit, it's another Hallmark movie. It's called "The Convenient Groom" from 2016, summary: "Dr. Kate Lawrence, a celebrity relationship expert, plans to publicly announce her engagement to Bryan, a handsome and perfectly polished businessman. As Kate prepares to share the news, Bryan shocks her by breaking up with her and calling off the wedding. Wanting to save her from humiliation and protect her public image, Lucas Wright, Kate’s childhood friend, steps in and pretends to be Kate’s fiancé. Stars Vanessa Marcil and David Sutcliffe." It also looks like this one was based on a book. 

Ugh. We don't do plagiarism. 

0/5 stars

Christmas In The Air (Hallmark, 2017 - Catherine Bell, Eric Close)

I don't think we did this one last year, but even if so, worth mentioning again. If you don't know him by name, you'll recognize Close, he's a good actor, and Catherine Bell is just solid across the board in everything I've seen her in. So he's a single dad who owns a toy company with his brother and of course they're slammed at this time of year and on top of that they've got a new toy (a drone-type thing) that they're trying to sell an investor on so they're busting ass trying to perfect that, too (on top of, investor and wife are coming to town to see it and somehow they get roped into having them over for dinner). Plus the kids are of an age (looks like maybe 4th grade boy and 6th grade girl?) that they're really getting into activities they've chosen for themselves now so that's on top of the usual parent stuff and we all know it's a lot for single parents at that age, it's almost like they're back to the amount of work of toddlers, they're just back to going in all directions again and starting to get more independent and need more attentiveness. I am pleased to report the kids are not brats nor are they sugar sweet, they're just normal kiddos. Now, she's a professional organizer and they meet by chance at Target or wherever and I forget the circumstances but it is evident to her that he needs some organizing and she gives him her card. I bring this up because it is not a "meet cute", it's just somebody who's astute at networking and she's polite and so's he and it's a normal interaction. 

That's the thing I like about this movie - everything unfolds in a natural manner, nothing is far-fetched. Their jobs make sense, such as - see above - they aren't limited to the Christmas season, even though people do/may need more of their services at this time of year. Close and Bell click and they're both attractive in their own ways and it's believable they grow to fall for each other. Nobody's cutesy and precious and obsessed with Christmas and hyperactive, they're adults going about their daily lives who end up realizing they kind of need each other. And on that note, they don't portray her as this lonely 40-something single woman, it's just evident that she's maybe getting dissatisfied with her routine and maybe actually needs a some messiness in her life because sometimes a little messy can be interesting, if she lets loose to a degree when it comes to all her self-imposed rules that help her keep control on her life. The only thing that was eye-roll worthy was the cookie-making montage scene and the cheesy music that backed it, but! It was incredibly short.

She also has this adorbs little greenhouse out back of her house of which I'm jealous. Not that I can grow plants particularly well. But I'm good at keeping those suckers alive. I want an herb garden when I grow up. [checks watch] Shit, I'm a grown-up. Anyway, this is a well-made, well-written, well-casted (in addition to the leads, the brothers actually resemble each other and the kids click, too), well-paced movie with well-developed characters and my final verdict is that it is most certainly not a waste of your time.

5/5 stars 

Here's your 4 and 5 stars thus far:

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars

#1

Once Upon A Holiday (Hallmark, 2015 - some chick, a guy called Paul Campbell who's vaguely familiar)

Princess of tiny country wants some Christmastime to herself without all the royal obligations, she of course has dead parents because somebody has to. But listen, the 2 leads can actually act, nobody's shmoopy, nobody overreacts when the truth comes out, the ending is simple, it's basically very... well, basic. It's calm. It's sweet. It's not *not* worth watching, though I'd classify it as simply nice, non-irritating background fare. You're not going to go ga-ga and love it, but you're not going to loathe it, either. 

3/5 stars

A Shoe Addict's Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Candace Cameron, the lady who played Charlene on Designing Women)

Candace Cameron is a solid actor and she elevates everything she's in. However. This one is just stupid. It's convoluted in its premise, which is this: when this chick puts on a pair of shoes, it takes her to a certain point in her life where pivotal decisions were made (whether or not she knew at the time), and is giving her an opportunity to play Choose Your Own Adventure and see what could've happened if she'd chosen differently. We don't need the shoes for this story to happen, is my point, because just have her hold an object or have a magical person take her there a la ghosts of Christmas past. Which, well, okay - here we go.

It's also *very* convoluted in how the magic happens and how the love interest comes into it, and is as follows: she works in a department store and gets locked in there randomly one night, and meets her fairy godmother-esque guardian angel who is klutzy and quirky and initiates this whole flashbacking in time with shoes jazz, and in addition Ditzy Angel Fairy is always there kind've interfering and being bumbling while Candace and love interest are working together planning some charity thing involving his firehouse (yeah, he's a fireman, there’s additional backstory for him about following in his dad’s footsteps and something-something-something), and the department store, which somehow necessitates awkward moments in stock rooms and whilst cookie baking, oh and by the way he's also her new next door neighbor. 

Did you follow all that? Congratulations, and pass the liquor. Holy shit. Again, Candace elevates this dreck, as does - oh damn, now I remember her name, it's Jean Smart! - so a star for that, and it doesn't tick like a thousand boxes on the Bingo, but those things don't rescue the bizarre nature of this one. It's all over the place. And so it loses its charm. The shoes are a stupid shtick to try to make this be *not* the same story that we've all seen and heard a million times. And then they piled on all that other extraneous stuff to distract us from that? I guess? Question mark? You may enjoy it because it's chipper and moves at a quick clip, but... yeah, it just didn't do it for me. This type of thing has been done elsewhere, and done better. You make the call.

2/5 stars

Jingle Around The Clock (Hallmark, 2018 - Brooke Nevin, other people)

Career chick gets overwhelmed trying to balance work and the holidays, then she and the dude who's one of many in a pool of potential candidates for a job she wants end up falling for each other. Nevin's a decent actress, and she and the other lead have decent chemistry, and the plot is... you know, it's... well, decent. The only thing that really irked me is that - as in a lot of these movies - there's a stupid misunderstanding that could easily be remedied by one person holding up their hands, interrupting the person who's doing the misunderstanding, and saying "Whoa, hold on. I know what you heard/saw, but here's what actually happened." 

And in this movie's case it was reeeeeally a stretch - like, in other movies, sometimes they'll have one person get pulled away or some other thing where the misunderstood person kinda doesn't have a chance to explain, but this time it's a convo where they're both standing there for minutes upon minutes. Fucking SAY SOMETHING. Anyway. Whatevs. Some of the acting from the peripheral characters is clunky, and pacing is a little off, but overall not intolerable. And it doesn't check a metric shitton of bingo boxes. So, it's cute, not a complete waste of your time.

3/5 stars

Trading Christmas (Hallmark, 2011 - Faith Ford, Tom Cavanagh, Gil Bellows)

Outstanding production value, above-average script, and the 4 shared leads can all act. It's one of those happenstance stories, where - as in real life - no one would've been expecting to meet someone they click with when they're doing what they're doing, and what they're doing isn't some fantastical thing, they’re just trying something new (traveling/staying somewhere else for the holidays).

Everybody behaves like the grown-ups they are, there's no drama, and a tiny spat that occurs between two of them is cute, not grating. Speaking of, particular kudos to best friend character who pulls off the nosy-sassy vibe without being irritating. Even the occasional pop-over scenes to the daughter and her boyfriend at college are fine, they also can act, and they're sweet together, no shmoop, just average folks you'd have been friends with in college, and boyfriend is supportive of daughter when she has a change of heart about them doing their own traveling for Christmas. 

Everything was balanced, no one interlude at a given location lasted too long before getting back to the parallel stories going on elsewhere, and since the scenes with daughter and boyfriend are secondary, even less time was spent with them, and good, that's as it should be. And here's the part I like the best, because it's *different* and *interesting* - your 2 primary leads? Ford and Cavanagh? They aren't each other's romantic will-they-won't-they, so how's about that? This barely hits anything on the bingo card, ergo the score is....

5/5 stars

Time For Me To Come Home For Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Josh Henderson, Megan Park) 

I should take off a star right now for the long title. You'll know by the end of the review what I've decided. Anyhow, out of the gate, understand that I had to make myself watch this one because the synopsis tells me part of this has to do with the dude being a country music singer and that means somebody's gonna sing - likely, him - and it'll probs be a Christmas song, and that also carries with it the risk of *original* Christmas song, which is infinitely worse. I also have no idea who this Josh Henderson person is - if he happens to be a singer by trade and this is what got him the role, well, I'm not looking it up, I'm reserving my judgment for when I actually hear him sing and see him act.  

Second thing to know, there's something very important that sold me on watching this: turns out Megan Park is the actress who played my favorite character in one of these Christmas movies so far - and some of you will understand the gravity of this, but if you don't then go now and read my write-up on the worst of the worst, My Christmas Love. Folks, Megan Park played Janet. *The* Janet. Light of my life during that shitstorm Janet. She who kept me afloat in a sea of dreck Janet. I owe this to Janet. 

Henderson's a fine actor, Park is way above average and should be doing more than Hallmark movies, and they click together, so good casting, there. (Also good casting? He's actually Southern, the accent isn't fake - though on the occasional word he bumps it up a bit but that could've been because of director, who knows - and for my Southern ears that is so re-fucking-freshing). The dialogue is better than usual for these movies (read: it sounds like things real people would say), and it's elevated by the fact that our two leads are delivering it well. The story unfolds in an easygoing, natural manner (as in, it's not smitten at first sight, they grow to fall for each other over the course of their journey), while at the same time moving at a nice clip. The quick and dirty: they're both from nearby towns/cities in the same state in the midwest, she thinks she knows him from local choir competitions so he's appreciating her treating him like anybody else vs. famous, they're both kinda dreading going home - her because breaking news to dad that the family business is in worse trouble than they thought, him because it's going to be first Christmas since his dad died, plus he's stressed anyhow because he's got songwriter's block. 

A run-down of the songs, so you're fully prepared.... I'll give you the length too because I'm a super nice person... okay not really, but Christmas miracles and hope and bleccccch....

Song one: Deck the Halls, piano, solo, shortish

Okay, he can carry a tune but there's nothing exceptional about his voice. I'm still not looking him up.

Song two: Jingle Bells, acoustic guitar, two old people harmonizing (poorly), short

Bless.

Song three: Joy To The World --> O Come All Ye Faithful, acapella, choir, shortish (but most part in background), they're ever-so-slightly flat which is worse than being completely flat (hi, choir nerd here)

Sigh.

Song four: Away In A Manger, him & 2 precocious children, acoustic, shortish

Twice.

Second time longer.

Second verse with him. 

Fuuuuuuuuu--------

Song five: 

The original song (which isn't entirely bad), acoustic, she inexplicably knows the tune and words well enough to harmonize and so does the mom and then there's inexplicable ability for sister to play 2nd guitar, and inexplicable background somebody to fiddle along, as well. It's a brand new song. He just wrote it. He essentially had just finished it in his mind. Length: Long, as it finishes the movie.

Stupid. So, so stupid. Just have him sing it. I don't mind the 2nd guitar or the fiddle because people skilled on such can pick up chords after watching another person run through it once, and can insert a little complementary medley in between verses, respectively - it's the people magically knowing the lyrics that's irritating and takes you out of the movie completely.

Major Complaint: there's three separate misunderstandings. One: she thinks he was trying to make a fool of her (huh?) by not telling her who he was (re: famous) and he reacts calmly; two: she sees a tabloid saying he had a girlfriend, acts pissy til he finally gets her to pony up what the hell is wrong, she says, and he reacts good naturedly; three, he offers to invest in the fam business so they don't have to rely on bank loans, and she gets all offended saying this must mean he doesn't believe in her (::sigh:: no, it doesn't), and he again takes it well. What annoys me is that all three of these are stupid and are on her, and she's not a stupid person, so her behaving this way is contrary to the other 90% we've seen. I don't get it. It was really odd.

Okay, I won't give it stars off because of the title, fine. But the title *is* cumbersome and kept me from this movie last year, it should've been called A Sweet Christmas Song or something of that ilk - sweet since she makes preserves and candy bars, then of course him writing the song, and also we can't possibly have one of these movies without Christmas in the title. 

Here's the problem: this ticks way too many bingo boxes. The family business is in danger of being lost. There's a dead parent (one for each lead, bonus sick spouse of random friend). There's Christmas songs sung by lead character. There's precocious children (three, specifically). One of the lead characters is famous. Character performs an instrumental talent. Group baking scene. Visit to a town with a holiday event. Characters make Christmas wishes. 

Those coupled with the annoying triple-play of Standard Hallmark Movie Misunderstanding Moment means this should be in negative star territory. But we're going to break the rules. I am docking it only one star for all the tropes, then another star specifically for song overload, as it would've been more impactful to hear his voice for the first time (bits in background as he comes on radio/TV notwithstanding) in the song he's been struggling to write when it happens at the end. All the music was just too much, between him and rando touring couple and choir and kids (twice), then the family sing-a-long. Good god almighty, I actually got tired just typing all that out. This movie is so strange because the components are of the suck, but afterwards you'll be like "Eh, that wasn't bad". 

Bottom line: if you're going to watch a Christmas movie, this one is way far from the worst, it's not a waste of your time, just beware the huge trope minefield and know it's only saved by the quick pacing and very natural acting on the parts of your two leads. 

3/5 stars (but just barely, and easily could've been 5/5 which is much disappoint)

Magical Christmas Ornaments (Hallmark, 2017 - people named Jessica Lowndes and Brendan Perry, the latter of whom I recognize from something)

So, I caught part of this last year and I don't think I went over it, but don't worry if I did because I am not going over it now. Brief synopsis: Mom, who has a real hard-on for Christmas, sends daughter ornaments and they turn out to be "magical", because they are reminding her of happy anecdotes from Christmases of her past so it's changing her attitude, plus coincidental great stuff is happening after she receives each one. To sum: anti-Christmas person starts to get into the spirit, lady lead is really focused on her career, falls in love with physician neighbor, precocious kids - it's trope-a-palooza from what I've seen (about an hour). 

Here's why I'm not bothering to get into it - well, beyond the fact that the lady lead couldn't act her way out of a paper bag, plus (and this is *not* her fault) her hair and makeup are poorly done and it's very distracting - it's a commercial for Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments. The very first one she opens, it's an over-the-shoulder shot and she's got the box tilted precisely to where the logo is clear-as-a-bell into the camera. Fuck that noise. I'm not sticking around for the rest of the ornaments, it may've only happened with that one but I don't care. Also, the pacing is soooo slow. 

1/5 stars (the one only because the male lead can act, and may make it tolerable for you)

[vitaminxiu]

Run Into You | Chanyeol

Hey guys! So this is the first thing I’ve written in like 6 years, and certainly the first thing I’ve written for EXO, so don’t be too hard on it. 😅

Member: Chanyeol

Genre: Straight up angst, based on a song?

Word Count: 1,500+

Rating: rated E for everyone lol

Summary: No real plot, basically it’s after a breakup with Chanyeol. Inspired by the song “Into You” by Julia Micheals

     Haven’t been to my favorite restaurant in months. I just can’t stand the thought of all those memories flooding back to me. Memories that I once held as precious. The sound of his laughter as I watch him double over at the dumb joke I just told. The way his eyes light up like the stars when he talked about all of the new projects he’s working on.

     “Oh, you’ll never believe what Junmyeon did the other day.” The way that he speaks slightly too fast when he gets excited.

      It’s these things that I’m worried I’ll be reminded of if I step into that little Italian place at the end of the block. It’s these things that keep me cooped up in my third-floor apartment, ordering takeout for dinner yet another day.

           I thought about moving to a different state, a different country. Maybe that would be better. Then the possibility of seeing him wouldn’t exist, and maybe if it did happen, just maybe, it would be fate.

           Last week I was out buying groceries, and I thought I saw him. I didn’t know whether to hide or try and follow. All I saw was little wisps of brown hair on top of long arms and legs, but it didn’t stop me from thinking of him. Somehow, I managed to drag myself through the remaining aisles of the store and past the checkout before I realized I’d forgotten to pick up bread and the latest Nicholas Sparks movie. If I couldn’t have love in real life, I was damn well going to enjoy imagining myself as Rachel McAdams.

           I wish we didn’t have so many friends in common. But I guess that’s not fair to say given that so many of them belonged to him first. Minseok, Junmyeon, Kyungsoo, and Jongin had met him when they were all kids. Back when we were together, he had shown me pictures of the “five amigos,” as they had called themselves. Although he was the oldest, it didn’t take long for the other boys to outgrow Minseok. The younger boys looked up to Minseok so much, even if he was the shortest. When they hit age thirteen, they all started to even out, but not him, not the ex-love of my life. He continued to grow until he was a whole head taller than all of them. According to him, he was the tallest boy in all his classes, and I believed him. That boy could say anything in that smooth, deep voice of his and I’d believe him. It’s one of the reasons that I fell for him in the first place. Yeah, he was hot… okay, still is hot, but his voice… it has this certain quality that makes me feel all giddy inside, like I’ve become 12-year-old me again and I’m at a Jonas Brothers concert. I hate that I miss it.

           On the first day of our second year of college, the first thing he told me was about these two guys he had met in class: Baekhyun and Jongdae. They were just alike, all three of them had the same personality. (Later Minseok and I would refer to them as puppies). They are as equally loving and cute as they are raucous and loud. (Just like puppies). On any given day you could find them all in the library being too loud, or in Baekhyun’s apartment having a “jam sesh.” Jongdae and Baekhyun loved to sing while he would play the guitar, or piano, or whatever instrument he had with him that day. How I miss them so much. I still have a class with Jongdae, and occasionally I’ll see Baekhyun in the hallways or he’ll send a funny meme through text, but things just aren’t the same anymore. They’re practically always with him, and though I know they would still treat me as they always have, it’s still too much for me. Even the mere mention of his name makes my skin prickle and long to feel his warm touch.

           Yixing and Sehun were originally my friends. Both of them I had tutored before we began to truly know each other. They complemented each other well, Yixing the sweet, innocent boy, and Sehun the clever, sassy one.

     When they first met him, we weren’t dating yet. It wasn’t even something that had crossed our minds. It was simply me introducing two of my best friends, to my other best friend. Both of them grew to love him and love seeing us together. Yixing said it was like the sun came out from behind the clouds when the two of us were near each other. When I told him about our breakup, I think he was almost more devastated than me. Almost.

     Sehun and I have become very close recently. He went through a rough time last year and seems to understand how I feel better than anyone else. Sehun has taught me a lot about myself. That I don’t need someone to be happy. That I am my own person. That even though things didn’t work out, things will turn out okay in the end. I know the words that he says to me are true, but it doesn’t make me hurt any less.

           I wish we didn’t have to walk around our problems. I still don’t know how we got to where we are now. We used to be so happy. Another thing that I loved about him was his passion. His name literally means passion. He showed this trait in many ways, competitive to a fault – I can’t count how many times I had to cheer him up after he lost a game with his friends – but also passionate in the best of ways. He has so many things that he’s talented at, and his passion only amplifies those talents.

     Unfortunately, sometimes his thirst for life came out in a different form. When we would argue, it didn’t take long before voices were raised and we were both yelling. My insecurities definitely didn’t help the situation either. I always questioned if he really loved me like he said he did. He was my first real relationship, and I couldn’t find the right balance between wanting all his attention and needing my own space.

           So many birthdays that I missed, and I feel terrible about it. Jongin, who is literally the sweetest boy ever, turned 25 last week. He had a small party at the bar downtown, and I know he wanted me to be there for him, but I just couldn’t force myself to go. I knew that he would be there. My wounds are still too fresh, and it would kill me to see him and his lopsided smile having the time of his life while I’m sitting in the corner, downing my drink like it’s water. There was always the possibility that he would be a no-show, but he never misses the chance to spend a night with his best friends, especially not on someone’s birthday.

     My best girlfriend tried so hard to convince me to go. She told me that I was never going to get over him if I just kept avoiding him and that this would be a good way to ease back into normalcy. “It’s not like it’s just you and him. There will be plenty of people there and you won’t even have to look at him if you don’t want to.” She was very persistent, but so was I.

           I don’t want to give him all this power. I’ve even changed my daily routine because of him. After the almost run-in at the grocery store, I make sure to go when I know that he’ll be in class or busy with his other schedules. Everybody knows when we’re in the same vicinity I die too. It’s not a secret from anyone. Thankfully, they don’t mention it too often. Sehun did bring it up once, but after he saw my face, changed the subject instantly.

           It’s been weeks since I’ve had the free time or the will to go out and do something fun, but finally, the opportunity came. Jongdae’s parents own a little plot of land at a lake that’s only about a 2-hour drive away. Jongdae has been saying for a solid year that we all need to go and see it, and the weather is just now in that perfect spot where it’s not too cold or too hot and the plants are starting to come back to life, so we all figured there is no time like the present. I’m actually really excited to go see the place.

     Yesterday, Yixing and I met up with Minseok and his girlfriend to go shopping for tents and sleeping bags. We got a little carried away and bought a bunch of extras, but I’m convinced that it’s not really a camping trip unless smores are involved.

           “Baekhyun just texted me. I’m so sorry, Chanyeol’s coming.”

Every time that a friend gets a text saying he’s gonna be there I just don’t go. So I don’t run right into him. Even though that’s what I want.

[marybeatriceofmodena]

So I saw TLJ for the second time yesterday, this time with my sisters.

They absolutely loved the movie: and this time around, with me thinking about and digesting everything, I actually really loved the movie this time around, since at first, I liked it, but I didn’t love it, and I wasn’t sure if it was going to worsen or get better after more viewings.

TLJ is divisive, which I expected, but I didn’t expect it to be *that* divisive. I do think it will be better received after IX comes out, though.

With this said, that movie is going to age very well. Sure, it’s far from perfect, but it’s going to become a textbook example of a Heroine’s Journey with all the big sexual awakening metaphors, while Finn and Rose’s plot has very universal themes about the Dog Eats Dog side of politics in the greater scheme of things that have always proven true throughout history, and that will sadly probably always stay around.

I did notice a few things this time around – there are some things I’m going to skip since I’m keeping them for the other parts of my very long TLJ review (one will be all about the Skywalker Drama with bonus Snoke and the other about Finn and Rose, and maybe I’ll squeeze the Resistance in as well), but I have other little details to add, notably about Reylo.

Also, there is no fucking way Ben won’t be redeemed and Reylo won’t be the endgame in some way or another. And if they make the stupid-ass decision of keeping it platonic (yes, it’s stupid-ass at this point, no one will convince me otherwise), it’s going to be one of the biggest wastes in the history of cinema. I’m not even exaggerating. But after TLJ and with all the overt sexual subtext going on, I’ll be mighty surprised if the Mouse House still has cold feet about Reylo. My prediction about it pre-TLJ was “Go big or go home”, and they definitely went big. With the second viewing, I’m pretty solid on that perspective.

I’m going to try and see it again next week, because that might be the last opportunity I get to see it before going back to class. 

Now that I know the plot to the movie, the editing feels a lot less choppy for me. It’s not so much how they’re placed, because I can understand why they’re placed the way they are, but the transition between scenes is not always smooth and sometimes, some scenes that should all be merged into a longer one get cut, which kind of breaks the overall feel. But I get that the reason is that TLJ is so multilayered and has so many things going on at once with a big cast that it’s hard to manage.

Hux’s facial expressions are absolutely hysterical. He’s become one of my favorite characters I love to hate. Also, Domhnall Gleeson is a phenomenal actor.

I wasn’t so sure after my first viewing, but now, I’m pretty certain Kylo thinks Leia died after the TIE Fighters bombing the Raddus’ bridge. It would make sense, considering she had a near death experience and was then comatose, so perhaps that made her unresponsive through the Force, which led Kylo to believe she was gone. Therefore, him wanting to burn the Resistance to the ground, while it’s not good at all, makes a lot of sense and becomes all the more heartbreaking: remember how Kylo was pissed at Finn in TFA? It’s partially because he views him as being responsible for bringing Han to him. That’s how Kylo is: he tends to lash out on the world and whoever he believes wronged him (and most of the time, it isn’t really justified), and TLJ pretty much showed why he’s the way he is. He hates the Resistance because, like the Rebellion and the New Republic, she chose to fight rather than to be present, and ultimately, that’s what caused her death. So him telling Rey to “let it burn” becomes all the more heartbreaking. What’s worse? When he picks up the golden dice in the Rebel base on Crait, I think it’s at that moment he realizes that woops, Mommy was alive all along and he fucked up. Big time.

Rose is still my favorite character in the entire movie. Fight me. 

Maz totally banged the Master Codebreaker. No one will convince me otherwise. 

Rey’s first time meditating with Luke? That was totally a metaphor for masturbation and her discovering her body. Sorry not sorry. It all ends with her seeing the hole on Ahch-To that’s supposedly the “Dark Side” and is basically a big metaphor for a vagina, and her gasp that sounds an awful lot like a gasp of pleasure while water comes out of the hole? IT’S FORCE MASTURBATION GUYS. DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, BLAME RIAN. And of course, Luke is terrified because a) He’s a sixty-year-old virgin, and b) He’s the Father figure here, and he’s terrified not only of the Heroine becoming a woman by exploring her forbidden sexuality, but also of her Other Half who’s in the middle of a pretty ugly adolescent turmoil and can’t seem to truly go from boy to man.

And of course, straight after, we get some Force bond scenes with Kylo with off-the-charts UST/BST, where Kylo is peacocking around and looks every inch the Dangerous Dreamboat/Byronic Hero ready to seduce the Gothic Heroine, and Rey standing her own and matching his intensity is why the scenes don’t come out as predatory (same went with Han and Leia in ESB, though they went more for the old Hollywood screwball comedy approach).

Also, there should have been another Force bond scene between the third and the fourth. To refresh your memory, the third is when Kylo tells Rey what really happened between him and Luke at the Jedi Temple, and the fourth is the hand touching. The Mirror scene happens in between. Like, it works fine, but there was a little transition missing.

The fourth Force bond scene managed to be EVEN BETTER on second viewing? Like, Rey tells Kylo what happened in the Mirror scene, and you can feel her voice tearing up a bit. Meanwhile, not only Kylo is listening, but you can clearly see his eyes are glassy, and he looks like he’s about to cry as well. He sympathizes with her, and you just know he understands exactly how abandoned and lost she feels. “Don’t be afraid, I feel it too”, amirite?

First time, I didn’t notice Rey and Ben tearing up when they touch hands. I think I got all teary-eyed too, lol. I don’t think they only see each other’s future, but I think they also see each other as who they truly are. And that’s the moment where Rey falls in love with Ben.

I am… honestly not sure what exactly Rey saw, and what exactly Ben saw when they talk about each other’s future. At first, I thought they saw the two of them fighting against the Praetorian Guards, but I really don’t know at this point. I think it’s possible Rey saw that, but I think Ben saw something else. And if it’s the case… count me excited for IX. But Reylo is real, guys, and it’s endgame. 

Rey is at her prettiest whenever she’s around Kylo/Ben. Like, in the coffin/pod and in the elevator, her face is all lit up, and it makes her traits look very soft and sweet. Seriously, she totally spent hours in the shower and fussing around with her appearance before boarding the Supremacy, to the point it really feels like a teenage girl going on her first date, I’m not even kidding. Boy do I love couples who go and kill gross old humanoids and their guards on the first date.

I’m going to mention it in the Finnrose part of my review, but boy did they waste Gwendoline Christie.

The transition between “Rey gets her heart broken and leaves the Throne Room while Kylo’s unconscious” and “Rey shows up in the Millennium Falcon happily gunning at FO TIE fighters” is still kind of jarring, but not as much as the first time. I wonder at this point if she’s having pretty much the same “screw you” disposition Kylo’s having on the other side of the battle. But of course, for both of them, it fades away pretty quickly when they have to face reality again and realize that “Welp, we screwed up”. Kylo gets that realization when he sees Rey on the MF’s threshold via Force Bond while holding Han’s dice, and Rey at first is a mix of sadness, compassion/pity but also a fair amount of “You’re sleeping on the couch tonight”, but when she sees Finn caring for Rose later, I think it’s at that moment she’s starting to get inklings of “I may have made a mistake…”. I think she’s going to understand it fully only in IX, though. It won’t be as harsh of a realization as it’s going to be for Kylo, but still.

Hux is totally going to backstab Kylo at the first opportunity he gets. Just the smug look he gives Kylo just before he goes in the control room and finds Han’s dice, you can tell that Supreme Leader or not, he still considers himself far superior. So because of that, I really don’t think there’s going to be a big time jump between TLJ and IX.

I probably forgot a ton of little things, so next time I’m seeing the movie, I’m taking notes. 

[canaryatlaw]

okay, today was long and exhausting but not exactly bad, so I’ll take it. Got up same as always and immediately submitted some of the paperwork we finished yesterday, then called the court about it because it was a sensitive situation (the client was stuck in the house with the guy and their kids) and we needed the court’s cooperation to make it work and fortunately they were actually cooperative, which is not something I can say happens very often so I was happy about that at least. We had to wait like an hour after getting sent up to the virtual courtroom to actually get in front of a judge, because apparently there was an influx of Spanish speaking cases, and they always want to do those in one big chunk while they have the interpreter present, but we made it inside and we were in front of one of the new judges that I like a lot, he was the one I had to very gently correct about part of the statute we operate under and he was very chill about it so that was appreciated. he handled things well, took testimony on areas of concern and granted the order, and from there it was going to be a question of getting the guy out of the house, which involved the client calling the cops and telling them about the order of protection, so it was a very precarious situation and I asked her to keep me updated so we could make sure she was safe. the rest of the day was busy, we had a ton of cases when we had like none yesterday, but we were able to get a lot of work done, so I was happy with that. I ended up working pretty much up until 7 on things, and I still really have more things to do but that was enough for tonight, for the most part. The Resident was on at 7, and based on the preview I was like, not at all happy with how the episode was going to go, because of course the female lead character who’s recently become pregnant gets attacked for some reason and they’re able to save her but they end up losing the baby because nobody gets to keep their babies on tv when the opportunity for angst of losing one is just too great for writers to pass up. ugh. through the end of the episode they had it looking like they were both going to be okay so I had a glimmer of hope for a second, but then when the trailer for next week played it was pretty damn clear it was going to happen then, so looks like they are gonna go the predictable route and it’s just such a big ughhhhh for me right now because usually the plots on this show are like perfect and so well done, and I’m just so done with this stupid trope that happens way too often. sigh. anyway. when that was over I watched the new episode of Black Lightning that I missed last night (I forgot it premiered this week, I’ll have to figure out what I want to watch on Mondays if I’m going to have competing shows, maybe one of the 9-1-1′s and BL, we’ll see) and it was pretty sad ngl haha but I do love Jefferson being a boss and just kicking ass all around, and of course my girls Grace and Anissa being absolutely amazing and I’m so mad they’re cancelling the show and I’m never going to get my Ryan and Anissa amazing lesbian superhero crossover that I CLEARLY deserve, and that’s really just unfair to the world to deprive them of that content (I do realize I haven’t at all commented about Legends getting renewed for another season before this season even starts airing, I have complicated feelings about it, because as much as I love the characters sometimes it’s just time to let a show die, and I don’t want the later seasons to be poor quality when the show has clearly peaked and is now going downhill, but I guess we’ll see what happens). Sometime during this I got the text that the client from earlier is safe with the kids and the dude was kicked out of the house by the cops, so that was a massive relief to hear, because there were so many ways that could’ve gone sideways. I’m going to make sure we can represent her for the case going forward (and probably ask that it be assigned to me, if it isn’t already, lol). but yeah, when BL was done I watched a few episodes of Scrubs (just started season 4) and then over to Jimmy Kimmel for a few minutes before showering and starting to get ready for bed and now I am here and my eyelids are getting heavy fast, so I’ll end this post here. Goodnight peeps. Sleep well.

[ramrodd]

The New Marine Rifle Squad

COMMENTARY:

The first thing I was taught in ROTC tactics was that the basic unit of the military organization is the squad. That's doctrine.

The basic unit of the Roman legions was the 8 man squad, which trained, lived and fought as two 4 man teams. You can see this organization in Mark 15, when Jesus is brough out, in Matthew 28 and the Gospel of Peter reflect a 17 person guard mount: two 8 man squads, I centurion/Gunnery Sgt. Unlike the military organizations in the rest of the world, the Roman legions, like Latin were put together like Lego blocks and the centurions represented the inspector general function the USMC centuriate performs horizontally and uniformly across the Corps. The Praetorian Guard was the functional core of the Roman republic, which continue to operate as a republican structure arising from the rule of law and the centurions of the Praetroian guards (or the Italian Cohort indentified in Acts 10) were the prototypes for the rest of the legions. Once Constantine disbanded the Praetorian Guard and adopted the verticle (and, necessarily, decadent) structures of the theocracy, it was just a matter of time until the Empire fell apart for pretty much the same reasons the Articles of Confederation were abandoned and replaced by the US Constitution.

However, this squad organization, which perfectly reflects the group dynamics of Kurt Lewin's research and the natural law of the Ennlightenment, was abandoned as near as I can tell, formally, by Frederick the Great's manual of arms developed to optimize firearms. This system is based on the private soldier as the basic unit of the military organization and this doctrine persisted in the American US Army until 1947, when S.L.A. Marshall's "Men Against Fire" provoke a change of doctrine to the squad paradigm based on lessons learned from the Wehrmacht.

The US Army Ranger School was created to proliferate this new model of small unit leadership throughout the US Army community. This goal was achieved when Colin Powell became Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. My dad was one of the people involved in the creation of the Ranger School when Joe Collins was Army Chief of Staff.

Now, the reason why the Marine Corps is reducing their 13 man TO&E to the 12 man squad and consolidating the three 4 man fire teams to two 6 man fire teams has to do with the relationship between economies of scale and index of scale in small units. The perfect size for an intimate dinner party is 8 persons and it has to do with face time and collective resources I associate with the process theology of individual and organizational high performance. The 13 man squad reflects the structues of Jesus's "A" Team, but, for various reasons, it's a clumsy operatonal construct. For one thing, what actually happens in sustain combat operatons, you end up with a squad leader and, maybe, four or 5 guys, and 3 of them could be buck sergeant Team Leaders. The Army's organization begins with that assumption and the Organization Effectiveness people in the USMC could measure the advantages to the Army model. And it goes back to the Roman legions for the same reasons: natural law/process theology.

I'm an Army brat. Unlike you, I dedicated myself to a military vocation after listening to MacArthur's Valedictory in 1962. You should listen to it if you haven't recently done so: in response to the slander that opens this video, who wouldn't want to spend their life with men such as these? As I 've written in the Quora War Elephant, I figured I'd take a burst of 40 years in the Green Beret and retire as the CG of Ft. Monroe VA. That was Plan A. One of your War Elephant contributors scoffed at the idea of a 40 year military career,  because most of the people on your forum are dumber than dog shit and the only difference between them and the guy bad mouthing the military in you video is their willingness to kiss your ass for a little stolen valor. I've been dealing with assholes like this since I got back from Vietnam in 1971, but, if they pony up for your War Elephant Patreon cash flow, hey, get it while you can. I just don't have much use for the Swift Boat slander patrol who I associate with Ollie North and other lifers like Michael Flynn who are fellow travelers in Newt Gingrich's plot to overturn the verdict reached at Appomattox by political coup arising from violent revolution because they think it's the only way to do business.

But that's another story. Went through ROTC from June 1965, just before the drafts for Vietnam began, until 1969, after the Police Riots at the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago. I went to college to get an ROTC commission, but I had to carry an academic load, so I majored in English Romantic Literature, Epistemology and German literature. As a hard-wired Eisenhower Republican in ROTC and military ambitions, I was caught between anti-war, draft-dodging self-righteous Fascist liberals like Sam Seder and pro-war, draft-dodging, self-satisfied crypto-Nazi white supremacists like Tucker Carlson. At the time I started college, the Tucker Carlson crowd were the Big Men on Campus, Greeks and athletes and controlled campus society missing no opportunity to mock and generally harrass the independent Fascist liberals. By the time I left, the independent Fascist liberals had won the cultural warfare and were, in effect. controlling campus politics and who became Homecomming Queen. That's why right wingers my age, like Newt Gingrich, Roger Stone, Bill O'Reilly and Pat Buchanan resent all liberals: the liberals had become the "in crowd" that the conservatives had dominated until the GI Bill opened up the campuses to a new source of student too poor to join a fraternity and, in the 60's, identified with the white Freedom Riders and didn't expect to inherit daddy's business or work for IBM as a legacy executive.

So, I've watched this shit for a long time and the people you're associated with are like all the assholes in the GOP that returning combat vets had to deal with in finding work, because they all avoided the draft, like Trump or Dan Quayle or W, and got on with their business careers and were two or three years ahead of you if you had been a draftee and had two years and a wake-up on active duty. And you reminded these people that they were scared shitless of going to Vietnam, like John Bolton, who had a 4 year ROTC deferment, like me, and then went into the Nationa Guard because he, like the rest of them, was scared shitless of going to Vietnam.

These are the people at War Elephant. In 1981, I was put on a Reagan White House black list by Charles Z Wick for being a Vietnam "Loser" and for doing business with the Soviet Union in line with Nixon's diplomatic and domestic agenda and people like Tucker Carlson and on the War Elephant made it stick. I haven't had a corporate pay check sine 1981: at one point, I couldn't even get telephone calls returned.

When I say that Newt Gingrich employs a political strategy based on Trotsky's process for social disorder leading to a political coup arising from violent revolution, I know what I am talking about. You probably heard about the violence the Proud Boys brought to BLM plaza yesterday in DC: that's one symptom of Trotsky's processes. The late election reflected the structural polarization the Gingrich/Trotsky processes are designed to create: it's how he became Speaker of the House.

He's an Army brat. We were living in Stuttgart at the same time and he knows exactly what he is doing with Trotsky's formula for violent revolution: Politics is the continuation of warfare, which I am sure you recognize as the inversion of Clausewitz's "War is the continuation of political intercourse by the intermixing of means", which defines the relationship of the US military to the US Constiitution. Gingrich is engaged in treason and most of your stakeholders are useful idiots in his agenda.

It's unclear what your participation in Newty's plot represents.

Did you ever hear the squadie version of the 23 Psalm: "The Lord is my First Sergeant, I shall not want."  I've forgotten how the rest of it went. If you remember, post it on the War Elephant.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

21 Questions Tag!

Wrote this up a couple days ago but a quick update on my whereabouts: currently going through finals, submitted a final assignment, and am now taking advantage of my free time!

I was tagged by @leannao! :)

1. Short stories, novels or poems?

I primarily write novels, but recently completed a short story with @sarahkelsiwrites and @imdisappointed and had a lot of fun! Short fiction is definitely a form I’ve yet to break into, but I plan on doing so as soon as I can! Short stories are really satisfying to look back on I dunno why.

2. What genre do you prefer reading?

Contemporary is my jammm.

3. What genre do you prefer writing?

I prefer writing contemporary also, though 5/8 books I’ve written are a veryyyy soft dystopian. @sarahkelsiwrites and I were just talking about how weird my dystopians are? The FOSTERED books are kind of straight up contemporary at this point with dystopian elements. lol.

4. Are you a planner or a write-as-I-go kind of person?

This really depends! I’m currently planning a few projects, whereas I’ve pantsed all of my novels besides I’M DISAPPOINTED (which was half pantsed lol). Though, when I’m writing, I like to have an idea of the scene I’m going into, so I do a bit of both.

5. What music do you listen to while writing?

Sometimes I don't listen to music while writing (which has become increasingly more common lol), but since my house is usually a very loud place, I’ll put on either the book’s playlist, or Daughter (particularly Music From Before the Storm since it’s primarily instrumental). My favourite bands that are on these playlists: Current Joys, The Strokes, Daughter (bless), Surf Curse, Ed Sheeran, Whitney.

6. Fave books/movies?

Oooh. My favourite book since I was 11 has been The Host by Stephenie Meyer. The atmosphere in that book always gets me lol. I haven’t read it in a couple of years, so I’d have to see how I’d fair at this point in time (a re-read this year is probs coming via audiobook), but reading that book always felt like going home! The Darkest Minds trilogy is also one of my all time faves, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews gives me so much life, All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven has impacted and improved my quality out of life by 250%, and Bitterblue by Kristen Cashore is so blessed (the audiobook is EXCELLENT). (I re-read it twice in the span of like 4 months??) As for movies, my favourite movie of life is the adaptation of Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (the screenplay is 10/10, the cinematography is 10/10, the colour grading tHO). Across the Universe also steals my heart, and is in a close second place!

7. Any current WIPs?

Yep! I’m currently having a *very* hard time finishing the last book in my behemoth FOSTERED series! I’m also outlining this series’ spinoff (and have been doing so for a year lol)! I’m also (very slowly) planning a contemporary called SIXTEEN CENTS (tho this has been a thing for almost three years so progress is snail pace ha).

8. If someone were to make a cartoon out of you, what would your standard outfit be?

I love this question so much. My standard outfit is literally the angstiest angst outfit, @sssoto has seen proof ha. For the winter my go to angst outfit is:

- A black t-shirt from value village

- Black jeans also from value village

- A black trench coat that reaches like mid-calves from my mom

- A black beanie i got from the dollar store

- Black gloves if I need ‘em from walmart HA

- Knockoff black doc martens that I got from the thrift store for 8 bucks bless

(do you see the trend)

^^^ This

like everything is black I'm an amorphous blob I am literally a vortex I am a black hole I love this??

The summer version of this is pretty similar it goes like:

- A black t-shirt

- Black jeans

- Any sort of grungy jacket from the thrift store (I have a bit of a jacket obsession, literally can’t exit Value Village without a new one thrifting is life)

- These shoes my mom gave me:

The topmost sneakers are me, the lit oxfords are @sarahkelsiwrites​’ staple and in this photo we are hanging at a Surf Curse show ha (picture is also Sarah’s).

9. Create a character description for yourself:

Oh myyyyy. I’m going to do this list-style because I feel like I’ll do a really bad job if I actually write one lol

- Could be your local cashier at Hot Topic

- “Local edgy goth kid smoking a skinny cigarette at the corner store.” --@imdisappointed)

(tho I don't smoke)

- Kind of clunky and awkward

- Shoulder length blue hair that sometimes clashes with her skin tone and makes her look like an Oompa Loompa

- Lopsided face tho it’s kind of charming sort of

- Wears black square-ish glasses of which always fall off her face, hence face is always semi scrunched up to anchor said glasses to face

- Eyes always are shut halfway so she always looks unamused/uninterested/pissed off/contemplating life

^^^ Example A do you see the eyelid thing HA and this is my ‘trying to model well’ face so I mean, I guess it’s worse IRL? oh my i have resting angst face

When did this become a roast yourself, lolz

10. Do you actually like incorporating people you actually know into your writing?

No, I don’t usually! This obviously still occurs subconsciously, so a couple of my characters will most likely have qualities of people I know. The most notable of these would probably be my best friend Ashley @imdisappointed​, and @sarahkelsiwrites​! I don’t think many other people make subtle appearances in any of my books. For example, Ash has inspired maaaaany attributes of characters (@ Ben’s sarcasm and memey life, @ Darren’s hugs and excellent listening skillz, @ Harrison’s humour, @ Sydney’s eyes @ Sydney’s love for puns), and Sarah has inspired a ton too (@ Harrison x Lonan’s Mom of the Group vibes, @ Lonan’s Get to the Point attitude/Girl You Better Have Some Facts To Back Up Your Point Cuz Actually spirit, @ Spencer’s style/Spencer).

Though I wouldn’t say these attributes were taken directly from these two amazing people and put into my books, since I don’t actively do this (unless I’m like, naming a random side character and want to give them shout outs). Funny though, I did say yesterday that I’d really like to base a character off my dog Liuna (pronounced LUNA don’t ask lolz), because she would be this hella amazing confident character? Like? Liuna human needs to happen?? She would?? Actually?? Be?? Lonan?? Though? Did I base Lonan off my dog??

Liuna: left, Samson: right.

(so real quick cute story Luna the name [minus the i] means moon and Samson means sun and we adopted Samson so i mean if this AINT MEANT TO BE)

11. Are you kill-happy with characters?

Ha, 12-year-old Rachel would’ve said yes because apparently a book wasn’t a book unless someone died?? I now rarely kill off characters, though. The last time I killed off a character was in FOSTERED #4 ha.

12. Dream job?

It’s sort of ironic that I’m not going to say writer for this, because that is what I plan to study in uni and what I do spend all of my life doing. I just don’t think (right now at least) that I could be a very good full time writer/use that time productively. I think it would take a ton of time to adjust to writing full time, and hasn’t ever really been my endgame. I know a lot of people I know in real life assume I know what career path I’d like to go down, when in actuality, I don’t really know! Anything creative, I guess I’m lucky in that way, where I have a lot of creative outlets I’m passionate about. I’ve been saying I’d like to work in film for a bit, so maybe that?

13. Coffee or tea while writing?

Okk, so I figured this was a perfect opportunity to confess something lol: I don’t like coffee.

*ah*

*but why*

*ur account is called coffee and calligraphy ahh what**

I used to really enjoy coffee when I was veryyy young, and again when I was 12-14 (around when I created this blog ha), but I’m not a huge fan anymore. I don’t have anything against it or anything, and if I’m going to drink it, I’ll usually like it because I’m not picky (but I can’t do it with homemade coffee anymore ah) so I guess saying I dislike it is sorta untrue. Though I will gladly drink store bought coffee! GREEN TEA on the other hand. Green tea is my *bitch* yes. Love me some green tea. I drink like 15 cups of that shit a dayyyy fam. I’m a green tea connoisseur I’ve been tasting green tea my whole liiiife fam.

14. Slow or fast writer?

I used to be a fast writer, but now I’m pretty slow. I used to write 2.5 books a year that were of substantial length (like 100k+?), but now I can’t do that. It’s taken me almost four months to draft 25k of Rewired lol. Though I shouldn’t say this because I’m sure my pace will slow down even more. I’m not mad about this particularly though because the quality of writing has sky-rocketed since I slowed down!

15. Where/who/what do you find inspiration from?

This is a fun question because right now I’m v/ uninspired… So it’s making me think! I’ll draw inspo from music mainly? Maybe television shows/movies for mood and tone. Nick’s lyrics in Current Joys inspires me to think about Clifford (and then make fun of Clifford because that’s my favourite thing to do lolz). Photographs are nice, though I guess I don’t really draw inspiration from too many things!

16. if you were put into a fantasy world, what would you be?

@sarahkelsiwrites​ and I were talking about this in math class and I decided I would be the annoying peasant who talks too much and does nothing helpful to resolve the world’s various problems until the end where I accidentally do something that actually helps!

17. Most fave book cliche? Least face book cliché?

I really enjoy the sassy best friend or lowkey sassy best friend lol. My least favourite cliché would be insta-romance probably? Insta-romance often kills my ability to enjoy the book because the romantic subplot progresses wayyyy too fast which affects the main plot oftentimes and so then the pacing feels very off/like I missed out on 50% of the book.

18. Fave places to write:

My kitchen table! It was actually super uncomfortable to sit at my table until we recently replaced it, but it’s always been my fave, just because there’s a huge window to my right and I loooove sunlight. I can’t really write anywhere else, ha. The kitchen table is also around two feet away from the kettle, so endless green tea.

19. Fave scenes to write?

I’ve recently been writing a lot of developing friendship scenes ft. character flaws, so that could be one. I also enjoy scenes with any sort of tension which is broad, but if my MC is conflicted, it’s a yes from me. Romantical happenings are also fun lol.

20. Most productive time of day for writing?

After 7PM

21. Reason for writing?

I literally love the answer @leannao​ put for this:

Constantly daydreaming and thinking about imaginary people without writing would feel like missing the best part of my life.

I like giving characters stories. I think all of them have lives of their own, and if I didn’t write their stories, I’d prevent them from having their home. Also when I find a really great verb or adjective and the sentence clicks into place and it’s blessed—that’s a huge source of ahh life is blessed this is why I write for me.

This was super fun! I’m going to tag @sarahkelsiwrites, @sssoto and @shaelinwrites to do this if you haven't already!

--Rachel

[malakvis-blog]

( ben barnes, 32, cismale, he/him ) — wait, is that who i think it is? that’s MALAKAI REED. i’ve heard they’re the BUSINESSMAN / HITMAN living in 507. according to google, they’re originally from BOSTON, USA but they moved into sunrise towers around TWELVE YEARS ago. their facebook says they’re CHARISMATIC & VENTURESOME, however, i’m sure they’ve got a HEDONISTIC & IMPULSIVE side to them as well.

hi wow hello!! i’m caitlyn, 23, she/her, cst timezone. and honestly?? i am in fucking AWE of every single one of you ?!!!!!! from the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking interest in this rp & for being as encouraging and positive as you have been. words cannot express how grateful i am for each and every single one of you ?!!! whenever this idea came to me and chey, i don't think we every expected it to take off like it has & the out pour of love and support we got yesterday was absolutely incredible. i could go on and on for hours about how much i seriously do appreciate it, but i'd turn into an emotional lil bitch and ain't nobody got time for that so moving on !!

i’m here 2 introduce this absolute trash prince ( who's highly based off of billy russo from the punisher, i can't even lie but like... billy russo meets frank castle, if ya feel me ) to ya’ll because i am notorious for playing trash characters… guess that makes me trash too ?? who knows, anyways, i’ve got a basic ass list of plots up right HERE & a wanted connections tag HERE !! if ya’ll wanna peep those and then maybe come plot w me?? now time to cue me being an extra heaux bc there's a lil bit of everything about mal under the cut

( tw: mentions of guns, weapons, murder, blood, drugs & alcohol. )

PAST

grew up in boston, being tossed around from foster home to foster home because his father vanished right after his sister was born and his mother, well, she's a piece of work & cared more about drugs than she did her own children so the state took them from her.

both of the siblings were tossed from family to family, usually only staying in one household for a few months, the longest time was almost a year and so on.

this caused malakai to become EXTREMELY protective of his sister, meaning that if the foster parents had any other children living with them, they ended up hating mal because of how much he protected her and stood up for her.

that continued up until he was like 14 ?? up until a family finally adopted him, which kinda made him feel really, really torn ?! he was happy to get out of the foster care system and finally stay with one family, but they didn't adopt his sister which not only shattered his heart, but pissed him off. cue the first time he realized he had anger issues !!

said anger issues caused him to become a pretty problematic & bratty child, never listening to his new parents, not doing as he was told & so on.

however, this only lasted a year due to the fact both of his parents were ex-military. they let him grieve and act how he wanted to for that long and one day, his father sat him down and set him straight, telling him that if he didn't act right, he'd get grounded, that he wouldn't be allowed to play games or watch tv, the usual parenting stuff.

this of course, shocked mal because his mother ?? didn't give a shit and let him do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted so the threat wasn't taken lightly and he basically started acting like an angel child, great grades included.

and as the years went by, he could feel the connection grow between him and his adoptive parents, something he never had before, so he held onto it as hard as he possibly could. and his parents took note of it and became even more hands on than they were before as they realized that interacting with him caused his eyes to light up in ways they hadn't seen before.

however, due to their military pasts, the ways they 'bonded' with mal weren't so... conventional. his father constantly taking him to the gun range so that he could teach malakai the ins and outs of guns.. for safety reasons, of course.

and one day, while they were there, his father told him it was his turn and handed over his pistol to mal.. low & behold, malakai landed four head shots & five heart shots to the target with ease and his father was beyond impressed.

but what his father didn't know was that gave mal a taste of power, something that ended up consuming him from a rlly young age. but he kept it locked away, knowing that he'd get lectured for feeling that way because his parents taught him better.

things continued like that for years, his father taking him to the range and "graduating" malakai on gun sizes, up until they got to a sniper, a gun that his father knew would kick back so hard it'd knock kai on his ass, but mal wanted to try it and his father wasn't one to say no.

sure enough, it knocked malakai on his ass, but to his father's surprise, he'd still hit the target dead center. which should have raised some sort of red flag for his father, but it didn't.

after they'd gone through every gun imaginable, malakai asked his mother if he could be taught how to fight.. or well, fight properly. so she taught him self defense, with and without weapons, how to hurt people and hell, how to kill a target if it ever got to be a bad situation that there was no other way out of. what she didn't know was that those skill she'd just taught her son would come in handy not four years later.

fast forward those four years, mal had just turned eighteen & was waiting in the car for his father, who was in the convience store getting him the chips he'd asked for not an hour beforehand. mal had been so busy playing a game on his phone that he didn't pay attention to the three masked people walk into the store right after his father. hell, the only thing that drew him back into reality was the all too familiar sound of a gunshot. followed by another, and another, and another.

the rest of that eventful night played in slow-motion as he watched the people flee the scene, as he ripped himself off of the seat he was sitting in, his eyes never leaving the counter, where he'd last seen his father standing as he began to pay for the things mal had asked for, but his father was no where to be seen. something that hit mal in the chest like a ton of bricks, but the scene inside would only make it worse.

the sight of the cashier and his father laying lifeless on the floor wasn't something he had been prepared to see, and as he curled up on the floor, his father's head in his lap.. a phrase his mother told him when they were training flooded his mind 'we don't hurt who we have to, but we hurt those who hurt us or other people, got it?' and that was the day he promised himself that no matter what, the people who took his father away from him would pay.

but he knew he couldn't do anything, not yet at least.. the case was still extremely hot and all of the weapons in their house were registered to either his father or his mother and could easily be traced back to him.

so he began teaching himself how to hack into security systems and in turn, finding the answers he needed when it came to his father's murder.

the group that'd done it was stupid, sloppy even. some gang that'd just made it's way into boston and had been looking for a quick dollar. which they'd made, sure, but their worst nightmare was yet to come.

he watched their activity through cameras, monitored phone calls, emails, everything that had to do with this group and waited for the perfect opportunity to strike. that opportunity came in the form of a 'usual' run for them. aka them exchanging drugs for a bunch of weapons with another small gang.

unarmed, and unaware that malakai had been watching their every move for months, they got the surprise of a lifetime as each and every single one of them hit the ground faster than they could turn around to see who was putting them in their graves. but he didn't just take out the gang responsible for his father's death.. he took out everyone.. covered it all up by making it look like it was gang on gang crime and walked away with only minor bruises and abrasions.. oh, and a shit ton of unregistered guns.

that feeling of power and justice that rushed through malakai was met with mixed emotions. a part of him felt guilty and a part of him felt proud that he'd given his father the justice the police never could.

but he knew that couldn't be his life, knew it would be far too dangerous for his mother, so he continued focusing on school and ended up getting accepted into harvard, where he took classes on all things business, but by the time he was ready to graduate, he didn't want to move back to boston. there was too much pain there, too much grief.

so he used some of the money his father had left behind to move himself out to los angeles, the city of opportunities. both legal... and well, not so legal.

that's where he got a taste of true freedom and damn, he loved every single second of it. but he was smart, too. began investing in businesses all across la, even buying some out from underneath the previous owners, rebuilding them to become million dollar businesses.

and with that money, came the hedonistic streak that continues to follow malakai around, he spent money on booze, drugs, women, guns, cars, clothes, a penthouse and whatever the hell else he wanted.

and things stayed like that for a while, until he saw an article about a gang with an all too familiar name. the same gang that'd been in boston had people in la too.. and that caused his anger issues to rise once more and before long, he was tracking them again.

and sure enough, they were planning the biggest drug run of their lives and he found that as the perfect opportunity to do what he thought was right. but what malakai didn't know was that the fbi had been on their tales far longer than he had, and had also learned about this run.

so whenever he took all of them out, making it look like one big car accident / explosion, the fbi was watching his every move. but they let it slide, the people watching him seeing potential they couldn't afford to put behind bars.

three days later, they sent him the video of that night, along with his id, his parents ids, and everything else in between with a message telling him to meet him at the specified location or they'd leak this to every police officer in the area.. so of course, he had to oblige. and to his surprise, he was greeted with badges who didn't want to arrest him, instead they wanted to give him further training, set him up with his own training facility to train other people like him to be as good as him and to hire him as their own personal hitman.

he wasn't going to go along with it, it seemed too easy.. but the six figure paycheck that was given to him as a 'welcoming' gift was rather hard to refuse and before he knew it, he was training with fbi agents, and months after that, he was the one training new recruits.

his training facility was off the grid, only bringing in fbi agents, police officers and so on and after they left that facility, they had the option of continuing on with their regular jobs, or to move into malakai's line of business. most chose the first option because it was the 'safest' of the two, but after a while, malakai had over twenty-seven people in his roster.. all of which would be there to back him up in any 'mission' he needed them to be & they also became a far more violent version of the secret service in a way.

fast forward to now & malakai is their go to guy when it comes to anything they can't be seen doing & he's making HELLA bank from it and the many, many businesses littered through LA that are now owned by him.

which of course, if anyone were to ask where his wealth came from, he claims its his businesses and investments.

PRESENT

now he continues to do whatever the fbi needs him to do, continues to buy businesses left and right, continues to train more and more potential employees at his training facility & does it all while keeping the stupid ass smirk he's known for plastered on his lips.

not to mention he's even more hedonisitc before and still drinks & does drugs on occasion... yike

however, even though he still drinks & does things he probably shouldn’t be doing, he doesn’t let that get in between him and his job. as he gets a high from his job that no drug has ever been able to match.

and as he’s getting older, he’s starting to realize that maybe a “normal” life isn’t the worst thing in the world.. however, the impulsive & well... kinda power-hungry side of him doesn’t allow himself to explore that feeling any further than that.

he’s extremely outgoing and is rarely actually in his penthouse but when he is... he's got someone over, a hook up, a business partner.. it doesn't matter... there's usually SOMEONE at his place.

is extremely into flaunting his wealth and can be seen driving numerous expensive af cars ( his bugatti is his fave, though ) & wearing thousands of dollars suit and whatnot.

hes..  not exactly opposed to meeting new people and actually has been trying to get to know the people he lives around…. many, many years too late. but, better late than never, right?

he’s basically always working, so nine times out of ten, he’s in a hurry or extremely tired from a long day but ?? is still 100% down to shoot the shit, drink, party, hook up, flirt... all of that.

can come of as a little stand-off-ish and it’s not because he doesn’t want to be where he’s at, it’s just due to the fact that he guards his feelings and keeps them locked away from everyone other than his mother ( and sister but he doesn't realize she's living in the same building yet whOOPS ) because he doesn’t want anyone to actually get to know him as he knows it's dangerous and tbh he knows he can't take losing someone he truly cares about again.

PERSONALITY

hides behind a wall of sarcasm, cockiness, anger and lust.

doesn’t really care to get to know people and had a tendency to push people away before they get too close to him. because he really… doesn’t want to get hurt again & doesn't want to put them @ risk.

wears glasses to read and mess w computers, but hates them a lot and probably won’t wear them if people are around.

wears a shit ton of suits???? but also wears tf out of jeans, v-necks, sweats, leather jackets and anything that makes him look like your typical fuckboi ?? it’s kinda his aesthetic.

is …. stubborn as hell and refuses to ask for help with anything.

his cars are literally his babies ??? like he ?? has a problem ??

a hotmess

loves halloween so much?? even though it’s his birthday?? he gets so hype for that holiday it’s unreal.

fluent in a lot of languages, picked them up so that he didn’t need translators at meetings and the likes.

lowkey worried that people will figure out that he’s actually v hurt inside because that’ll cause him to start having to deal with his feelings again, and he doesn’t wanna do that.

is the biggest flirt you will ever meet?? like if he’s speaking 2 u… its usually flirty as hell unless it has 2 do w business or he’s just known u for centuries ?

will try to get everyone to go to bars n parties with him because that’s his life in a nutshell ??

hella nerd on the inside though like owns so many comic books, loves to play video games, read books, plays piano / gutair & all that jazz.

super, super intelligent. could probably work @ nasa but instead he decided to do what he does & he honestly... ain't complaining.

drinks..heavily..  like every night?? it’s a problem tbh.

he cares… god he cares so much about people and the world but he pretends to hate everything because it’s easier than letting people in.

full of horrible and cheesy pick up lines and jokes and frequently texts people said pick up lines and jokes.

owns a book that is full of nothing but blank pages and keeps it on his coffee table because he ‘relates’ to it.

is still a highkey hoe but he keeps it on the dl

speaking of….. might ( he is ) be a highkey dom yikES

super into fitness as it’s a way to keep him away from drinking every evening.

loves boxing so much and can be seen at the gym quite a bit.. also has bruised knuckles 24/7 because of it as it’s a way to take out his aggression and feelings out on a punching bag?? esp whenever he hasn't gotten a 'mission' in a while

actually super kind and caring once you’re able to see get past his wall?? which is really hard to do due to his job but if u do it he’ll cherish u.

is one of those people who’s instagram feed is nothing but pictures of his dogs, suits, cars & food.

has a bad habit of smoking whenever he’s stressed out, which is usually all of the time so he smokes…. more than he should

will also talk about his dogs more often than he talks about his life.

highkey into cuddling and all the cute shit like that but would literally never tell a soul because then they’d see that he isn’t such a hardass.

is a burnt cupcake who has really good intentions but has EXTREMELY horrible execution skills. ( and no i don't mean the violent kind bc he's actually v good @ that )

STATISTICS.

FULL NAME: malakai cassius reed.

NICKNAME(S): mal, kai, cass or cassie ( his adoptive dad called him that just to mess with him )

AGE: thirty-two.

DATE OF BIRTH: october 31st.

ZODIAC SIGN: scorpio.

PLACE OF BIRTH: boston, usa.

GENDER: cismale.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual.

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: bisexual.

RELIGION: n/a.

OCCUPATION: businessman / hitman.

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english, french, spanish, welsh, russian, korean, japanese, italian, romanian, greek, gaelic and bulgarian.

ACCENT: american.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

FACE CLAIM: ben barnes.

HAIR COLOR: brown.

EYE COLOR: brown.

HEIGHT: 6′ 1″.

WEIGHT: 225 lbs.

BUILD: athletic.

PERSONALITY / TRAITS.

LABEL: the hedonist.

POSITIVE TRAITS: charismatic, venturesome, intelligent, outgoing.

NEGATIVE TRAITS: hedonistic, impulsive, cocky, flirtatious.

FEARS: claustrophobia.

HOBBIES: playing video games, reading books / comics, boxing, pool, going to sports events, soccer, football, going to the gym, playing guitar, playing piano, cooking, hiking, camping, fishing, golf.

QUIRKS: believes in karma, fights for animal rights, fights for gender equality, fights for human rights, fights for marriage equality, wears mismatched socks ( sometimes ), counts stairs, plays with fire, plays a musical instrument, boxes, enjoys nature, tells the truth / can be brutally honest, uses bad puns whenever possible.

FAMILY.

FATHER: charles william frey.

MOTHER: susana marie alcott.

ADOPTIVE FATHER: graham james reed.

ADOPTIVE MOTHER: isabel rose reed.

SIBLING(S): melody carlyle.

PET(S): two siberian huskies named balto and steele.

FINANCIAL STATUS: upper class.

TESTS.

MYERS-BRIGGS: estp-a

ENNEAGRAM: type 8 ( the challenger. )

MORAL ALIGNMENT: lawful evil. ( the dominator. )

TEMPERAMENT: choleric.

HOGWARTS HOUSE: slytherin.

[dailyaudiobible]

09/16/2020 DAB Transcript

Isaiah 22:1-24:23, Galatians 2:17-3:9, Psalms 60:1-12, Proverbs 23:15-16

Today is the 16th day of September welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it's great to be here with you today as we cross the center of the week together, hump day, and…and move to the back half, but we’re in the middle of the week. And…well…I guess we’re not quite in the middle of the book of Isaiah yet but we’re well on our way. We’re reading from the English standard version this week. Isaiah chapters 22, 23, and 24 today.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in Galatians today, again we’re exploring some of the foundational understandings theologically of our faith itself and again we encountered one of the most famous passages in the Scriptures “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives within me.” And we should probably understand the context that was said in because…because it's foundational to the Christian faith. And the reason that he said it, the context of it is why Paul was so controversial in his time. And admittedly, some of these concepts, they…they might sound somewhat familiar because it wasn't too long ago that we read the letter to the Romans. And, so, a lot of this is laid out in Romans and we’re revisiting it here in another letter. This is the gospel that Paul moved around the Roman Empire preaching. So, fundamentally the problem and I say that loosely…I say that in the context of what we’re talking about. The problem was the Mosaic law, really a battle for its validity because Paul is coming against the Mosaic law, setting it aside as he believed had been revealed by Jesus. And I should probably clarify that. Not so much setting it aside, like it's existence but setting aside its relationship to people, people who believe in Jesus. Paul's argument was that that law was a vehicle to expose failure, to show sin. You break the law, you transgress against the law, you become aware that you have failed. And nobody, no matter how they tried, could ever succeed. They could never stop transgressing the law. So, no one would ever find their way into a righteous life before God. So, for Paul, the only way to escape it, as he explained in other letters, is to die to it, right? If your dead, then no human law that applies to alive human beings applies to you anymore. Your dead. And you remember the example that he used about marriage. Like if a person…if a woman is married and her husband dies then she's not bound to that covenant anymore, she's free because her husband has passed away. He's gone now. So, for Paul, you die to the law so that you can then live for God. You release everything that you were without Christ and you surrender to His authority in your life, you believe upon Him and are resurrected into a new life that has died to those rules and regulations. Admittedly, that is a bit of a reach. Like that is a bit of a problem for a person hearing it who had been raised in this culture because the law, the Torah…I mean...you are essentially…you are essentially kind of saying like “I'm dying to the Scripture. Like I’m dying to this law that we know of as revealed by God. I'm dying to that so that I can live for God.” You can kind of see the disconnect here. And, so, some would claim…well…they did…they essentially pledged allegiance to kill Paul. Like he's an apostate, this is a heretic. This is a person who has been trained religiously and has walked away from their faith. Like they need to die. Like they want him gone. I mean they thought he’s like reinterpreting the Scripture to the point that he’s amending a brand-new religion. So, we would all have to admit, that…I mean…that would be difficult…that would be a difficult path to follow if someone comes along and says, “new revelation from God has been given on the earth for Earth's people and here's what it is and here's how it sets aside what had previously been engaged. Here is the way forward. Here's what God is doing now.” But then we'd also have to admit that that is effectively what the Savior did, the work of Christ as we believe it. As disciples of Christ it was a game changer, like a complete revolution upon the earth in the way that we understand and relate to God and how we relate to one another and where this is all going. But we would still have a pretty hard time setting aside the Bible to get there. And yet, as Paul claimed and as the New Testament claims, I mean Jesus was fundamentally executed because they considered Him to be a lawbreaker and a blasphemer, one who was making claims that only God could make, one who was revealing the way forward. Like, we believe in Jesus and so we understand that like He is reinterpreting the law because the plot of the story had been lost, the spirit of the law had been lost. And, so, there's only the letter of the law, there's the rules. And the rules aren’t animated by the Spirit anymore. And, so, they don't have the weightiness, it’s just about obeying rules. This is kind of what Paul’s arguing but as we enter into and engage with this we can see like, this is difficult, this is a difficult leap. And, so, for Paul he has to go back to the origination of the Hebrew story to prove his point. And his point was, “yeah, Moses gave us the law. God revealed through Moses, but that story had been going on for centuries before Moses was ever born and it started with Abraham and there was no Torah for Abraham to obey. There was no Torah for him to read. There was no Bible as we know it at all. So, God revealed himself to Abraham and the story began and then it continued on all the way until the time of Christ and all kinds of things had developed around it, a whole system of life had developed around it. And then Jesus comes and reinterprets things, unites things and says, “this is the way to go forward.” But in order to follow Christ then, you have to die to some of the previous things and acknowledge that God is doing something new in the world.” So, you see the hurdles. And yet for Paul, the Holy Spirit was working among people, like…like there was evidence of this spiritual renewal, this…this spiritual revolution that was happening. There was evidence for this. People were following Jesus because of the movements of the Holy Spirit, this evidence that is happening. And the Holy Spirit was working among anybody who believed. It wasn't just Hebrews. Like everybody that the Holy Spirit came upon, everyone who believed was experiencing this. And, so, Paul at some point had to look Torah and look at what he actually was experiencing and we see the Paul chose his experience over the letter of some law, some rules that he had already done everything he could possibly do to live into only to realize it was a dead-end, like he couldn't get there, he wasn’t going to be made righteous before God. And, so, I quote Paul from our reading today, “let me ask you only this. Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain if indeed it was in vain? Does He who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law or by hearing with faith - just as Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness? So, for Paul, having re-received these revelations from Jesus, and this is what he's teaching, and this is what he’s experiencing, and like there's no way he's gonna turn back from what he’s experiencing no matter who calls him crazy. And like we said yesterday, he held true to this all the way to his own death. Like he was executed for believing this. So, for Paul he had already died. Like he had already died to who he was and the fact that he still walked upon the earth was a grace of God living within him to continue the mission forward. And, so, we get to enter into this and wrestle with this and sort of see now why this is so difficult, like why what we take for granted and what we understand theologically as it was being formed was such a difficulty for people in Paul's time.

Prayer:

Father we thank You for that. We thank You for the opportunity to look at it with eyes wide open, understanding that what Paul said is true - it's…it's nonsense or its heresy depending on how You're looking at or it is the absolute truth that is borne witness in our own hearts by the power of Your Holy Spirit. And, so, we thank You for this. We thank You that we have these examples that what we are experiencing in our hearts is real. And we may not be able to prove that we’re not crazy, but we’re not. We have died to who we were. We have been raised up unified in union with You, Your spirit within us, Your divine nature is something that we get to participate and partake of, and live into. And that is good news. That is the Good News. And, so, come Holy Spirit and help us to press in and live it out and be a light in the darkness, we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it is how you find out what's going on around here in the community. All of the things that are at dailyaudiobible.com pretty much also are in the Daily Audio Bible app. So, check them out.

Check out the Prayer Wall. That's in the community section where we are continually praying for…for one another. That’s one of the most beautiful things about us. Really, I mean honestly, we are…we are literally all over the map. I mean we’re all over the globe, but that's just geographically. Like that's just where we start. We are all over the map in all of the different stripes and flavors of our faith. Like we shouldn't…it just shouldn't work, but we are bound together because of our determination to allow God's word speak for itself, and our determination to be in community with each other carrying, like reaching out in spirit and in truth to our brothers and sisters all over the world and it's a beautiful thing. So, yeah, stay connected in any way that you can. Check out the Prayer Wall. It's…it's in the Community section.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, if this unique mission that we have to just keep reading…to just keep going, to just step-by-step by step, day by day, month by month, year by year, keep going and allowing God's word to speak out into this world as it kind of lands in our hearts, if that's mattered, if that makes a difference to you then thank you for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage at dailyaudiobible.com. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, and if you’re not, why? You should. You should be. It’s the portal into community. But anyway, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner there, or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button which is the little red button at the top in the app, you can't miss it or there are numbers that you can dial depending on where you are in the world. In the Americas 877-942-4253. If you are in the UK or Europe 44-20-3608-8078. And if you are in Australia or that part of the world 61-3-8820-5459 is the number to call.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello this is Catherine calling from Maryland. I just wanted to call after listening to the September 10th episode today and I was struck by what Brian said at the very end, that this is a community that loves to pray for one another. This isn’t just a community that prays for one another, this is a community that loves to pray for one another. Maybe you’ve said that before Brian but it…that just struck me today that that was…really that is what is really special about this community, creating the beloved community that Jesus directed us to do by loving and caring for one another, helping each other bear burdens and rejoicing together. And I just thank you for this amazing community to hear God’s word every day but also to practice where you’re supposed to be. And then the first caller, you didn’t leave your name, but you sort of hit on all of these things too. What a way to start today and what a privilege and blessing it is to be a part of this community and to not only hear the word of God but to pray for one another and to be connected to one another across the continents and oceans and miles. So many of you, right, keeping prayer as does everyone else. And, of course, pray alongside each and every one of you. So, God bless you. May God bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you today and every day. Amen.

Hello Daily Audio Bible family this is Rebecca Joy from Illinois calling from a wonderful rainy September afternoon. Oh my gosh…and from my walk if you can hear the cars going by. I love these kinds of afternoons. I’m such a rain person. But anyway, I wanted to call in for a few prayer requests. So, I’m back in school. I am…I’m going to a university in Chicago; however, we are all online so it’s a weird weird time and I am an animation major and it’s weird do you do art at home. So, please pray for just the people at the University, for people at college, for people at school who are just doing stuff at home. It’s very hard to do it home. And please pray for the community of people that I am around. I love these people. I love art majors. There’s so…there so crazy and I love them. But please pray that I can be a good witness to them because I know a lot of them are not Christian, they don’t know Jesus and I want to love them and encourage them and…ah...I want to show in Jesus. So, please pray that I can do that. Also please pray for my two friends, they are struggling so much with their mental illnesses and I can just…I can feel it in the way they can talk and it’s so oppressive. So, please pray for healing for them. I love them so much. I just I…I know what they feel, and I don’t want to see them suffer. And also, please pray for me. Please pray for, you know, just a continuation of looking to God, trusting Him. Just pray that I can stand firm. O my gosh it’s so hard to stand firm sometimes you guys. But pray for that. Pray for just, help me to love, I guess. I really need that sometimes. But yeah, thanks guys.

Hi Daily Audio Bible family I’m Regina from California I am a new listener to the Daily Audio Bible. This is my first time calling in and I’ve been listening since the beginning of the year and I’ve really enjoyed this. It is bringing me…brought me peace of mind and wisdom through Jesus. Anyway, I’m calling in because I’m in a tough spot. I recently graduated college and, thank God I found a job and the opportunity to move in with my family…with my friend’s mom and her and I moved here out of my home with my parents yesterday and was so excited. I start my job tomorrow. Unfortunately, today, the day after I moved in, my friend’s mom decided that she no longer wants a renter in her house. So, I am in a very rough situation and to where…find out where I’m going to live, if I’m supposed to keep this job because I need to find a place to live in this area if I’m going to keep it. So, I am asking for prayer for peace in what I’m going through, discernment to figure out what to do, and just help me have grace on her mom because I…I don’t feel it right now. I don’t understand why or what just happened. I’ve been lost…so please send out prayer. I don’t even know if this is a sign that I’m not supposed to keep his job or not but please pray for me. Thank you, Daily Audio Bible.

Good morning this is Duncan the Piano Man from Fredericksburg Texas. Almighty God I just heard the request for prayer from the lady from…from the Niger...Niger region there and just here about the floods and not only the floods but the persecution that’s happening in Nigeria especially. Father I know our nation has promised to…to…to help persecuted Christians, at least they did in the beginning. Lord, we can’t go back on those promises. I’m just asking Father and I know there are a lot of others asking with me that you would please supply the needs of all those Father who are in the flooded area. I think also a people Father who are being hounded for their faith, not just in Nigeria but all over the world and even here in this country. Then I think of the fires that are burning out of control in California and Oregon and Washington and I have friends and family members who have been threatened by those fires. I ask you Lord to please have mercy and send rain. And then Lord we’re still in the grips of this albatross, this accursed 19 pandemoniac. I’m asking you God to strengthen us to get through it but also asking that you lift this awful curse in the name of Jesus Christ and in the power of His shed blood. Our Lord Jesus we give this week to you, although people will be listening to it days later. Thank you for hearing our prayer Jesus. We come boldly in Your name asking and also believing Father that you may have something better for us that we don’t even know. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

This is Kathy from Kentucky to let you know we need prayer in the 12 step groups. Some of the churches…well the church we’ve been meeting at has asked us not to come back because of COVID and we didn’t do anything wrong, but we had to find a new meeting place. So, far we’ve been meeting on zoom and people are hungry for the in-person meeting. So, we are trying to start the in-person meetings again. These are very important for alcoholics. The zoom meetings are not just quiet enough for some folks. I’m gonna keep the zoom meeting going at my house and because I’m in a high-risk age group and then we’ll try to have a hybrid meeting. But the 12 step groups all over the world are struggling. Zoom is okay but is not the same as hugging a person and that’s what we need, we need that human touch. So, pray for us. A lot of relapses, overdoses, and suicides going on right now. And, so, we all need __ and pray for me as I live alone and I’m trying to hold our group together until things get better. And I am an introvert. It’s easier for me living alone but I’m also scared. Thank you. Kathy from Kentucky.

Hi family this is Dawn Rising from Michigan and I like prayed for my nephew. I feel like he’s under spiritual attack where he’s hearing demonic voices and suggestions in his head and I just ask that you pray for his deliverance. I know my sister is also leading a life of sin currently. She knows her actions are wrong, but she just is in an earthly position where she likes it. So, I feel like our families under attack. So, please pray for my nephew Vinny that he will be delivered from this and will come out strong Christian man. Thank you everybody. Bye.

Hello everybody it’s a Sunday afternoon and the sun is shining, and you notice anything different? Can you hear it? Honk your horn Peter. __. I’m out, I’m in the car. Hey! We’re going…what are we going to find Peter? Oh gosh __ cat litter. Yeah, you see I’ve got a little new hobby. I’ve been starting to collect Cacti and I’ve been reading about it and apparently cat litter is good to mix with the compost. And, so __. So, we’re going to go and find some cat litter. It has to be the clay type I believe. So, I thank God. It’s taken me til 2 o’clock in the afternoon to get showered and get up but I’m so grateful. You know, we don’t look at how long these things take us do we? And we don’t look at what we can’t do and just thankful, that even though I’m gonna jump into a wheelchair when I get out of the car, that I’m out. You know, there’s so much blessing if we can stop and look up and instead of looking down. I thank God for His life in me and then you. And Father God I ask that you would bless all my dear friends, my family, here on DAB. I thank you that Your love father, Your arms are big enough and long enough to scoop us all together and told us. And You must be smiling Father. You must be smiling as You’re looking at us as we are enjoying Brian and the Daily Audio Bible and your presence. Oh, my goodness. The time ticking away. Say bye-bye Peter. Bye-bye Peter. Bye-bye everybody. Bye.