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bamfdaddio · 2 months ago

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Uncanny X-Men Abridged: 1986

The X-Men, those depressing mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel this tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men!

(X-Men 202 - 209) - by Chris Claremont and John Romita, Jr.; June Brigman; Barry Windsor-Smith, Dan Green

Before a crisis crossover takes over this title, 1986 is basically all about Rachel Grey. In previous years, I’ve never been much of a fan of her: she’s is depressing, she’s self-involved and she basically keys into the worst aspects of a Claremontian character: they angst angst angst on the inside and never spit it out. She is all trauma, all the time and she’s not even fun about it. While I understand the horrific depression that accompanies the feeling you get when you see the world descend into hell in a handbasket because people keep making the wrong choices and voting for Mutant Registration Acts and nazis, her forever frustration about not being able to do anything about it doesn’t necessarily make her an engaging character.

This year, she ramps it all up, proving my point that the Phoenix makes everyone one hundred percent more dramatic. Combine that with her dad’s flair for exaggerated angst and, well, you’ve got a doozy of a character on your hands.

Using your cosmic powers to dramatically blink on like a porch light? Baller move, Rachel. (Uncanny X-Men 203)

What’s the Buzz?

Xavier? Is alive, but whisked off into space.

Magneto? Recently became an X-Man. Decidedly not a villain.

Jean? No longer dead! Read elsewhere for more details.

So, is this a new instalment in the Phoenix Saga? Nnnyo, not really. It’s more like a sagalette. Like a reboot of an original with new actors, excepts it’s… not great. So this is like the Phoenix Saga: New Class. I apologize beforehand for the lack of jokes: this is a pretty grim year. Before we get on with it, a quick reminder of our cast:

Phoenix: Rachel Summers. X-Man. Telepath, telekinetic. Future child of Cyclops and Marvel Girl from a dark future that has since ceased to be. Depressed. Makes it everyone’s problem.

Storm: Ororo Munroe. X-Man. Currently depowered. Recently beat Cyclops in a duel for the leadership of the X-Men. Badass. We all simp for her.

Wolverine: Logan. X-Man. Healing factor, adamantium skeleton, claws. Currently has fewer plotlines than Cyclops, and he isn’t even in this book!

Colossus: Piotr Rasputin. X-Man. Turns into steel. No relation to Cyclops.

Nightcrawler: Kurt Wagner. X-Man. Fuzzy, BAMF-y, bouncy. Like all the other men, currently a little neglected in the storyline-department.

Shadowcat: Kitty Pryde. X-Man. Can turn intangible. Always and forever the junior on the team, but no longer as innocent.

Rogue. X-Man. Steals powers and memories by touching people. Can’t quite control that. Southern accented sweetheart.

Magneto: X-Man. Silver daddy, former terrorist, magnetic powers. Recently promised his long-time rival/ex-boyfriend that he would teach the Dream to young mutants.

Callisto: Morlock. Even though Storm pretends to be their leader, she’s really the leader of the sewer dwelling outcast mutants. Presumably has powers, but other than dressing like a Sex Pistol and being a badass lesbian, I have no idea what they are.

Caliban: Morlock. Childlike mind, pale, bald. Can track other mutants.

Selene: Immortal psychic vampire that can manipulate inorganic matter. Powerful, scary. Member of the Inner Circle of the Hellfire Club. Good villainess seeks good storyline.

Nimrod: Deadly mutant-hunting Sentinel from the same dark future as Rachel Grey. Deadly serious about killing all mutants on Earth, but apparently only intermittently.

Secret Wars 2

Ugh, Secret Wars II. I can’t even skip it, because this time, the Beyonder – more like the Beyawnder – is part of ongoing plots. He’s in this world. Bah!

Well, at least Rachel kicks off the narrative with a bang.

Instead of leaving a note, this bitch rigs a projector to tell everyone she means to murder someone. So extra. <3 (Uncanny X-Men 202)

After their run-in with the Beyonder in the crossover, Rachel Summers has decided that this omnipotent god/manchild needs to die. (Apparently, he scrubbed the New Mutants from existence on a whim, so she’s not entirely off base here.) Since she’s currently the host of the cosmic powers of the Phoenix, she’s the woman for the job!

While Magneto uses Cerebro to track Rachel – yes, even Claremont somehow doesn’t realize that telepath =/= magnetism – Rachel confronts the Beyonder in San Francisco. He toys with her for Reasons Unknown and gives her infinite power and a choice:

Kill him;

Save the X-Men he just teleported over to the West Coast and put into mortal danger by also pulling in some lethal Sentinels from her future. For no apparent reason, he forgot to bring over Nightcrawler; no, this is never really explained.

These Sentinels are clever little bastards, by the way. A lot more clever than the toaster ovens we’re used to. Check out the beautiful way they take out Rogue:

Sure. Rogue, previously a terrorist, would definitely use the word bozo rather than artifical asshole, robotic wingnut or fuckwad. (Uncanny X-Men 202)

Rachel then makes the choice to save her teammates (through another awesome display of power), instead of killing the Beyonder. She does give him a good slap for toying with her, so there’s at least that.

It’s obvious Claremont is trying out a lot of things to shake up the status-quo and make his stories feel fresh again. He replaced Xavier with Magneto and now he’s shifting the X-Men to San Fran, where they stay to help rebuild the city. It’s a change of scenery that won’t last a long time - presumably, somewhere the idea of the upcoming Mutant Massacre got pitched and Claremont realized he needed the X-Men in NYC for that – but still, Claremont is trying. Not very successfully, sadly: while the Mutant Massacre will, actually, shake up the status-quo a lot, for now we’re very much in the narrative doldrums.

Kitty, meanwhile, has realized she can summon the Soul Sword and Illyana’s accompanying armour, but when she tries telling anyone about this, they’re all like: “New Mutants who?”

I wonder what kind of intense bond Kitty had with Illyana, ahem, roommate that she does remember Illyana whereas even her brother Colossus doesn’t. - Uncanny X-Men 203

Kitty realizes that the Beyonder means to erase the X-Men from reality as well, just like he did the New Mutants – what can they, mere humans, do against such reckless power?

This is where Phoenix points out that she:

is not a mere human;

still possesses the power that the Beyonder lent her in his twisted little game.

Rachel means casually to erase and rebuild the universe without the Beyonder in it. “You can do that?” asks Kitty (and the viewing audience). Surely it would be easier to just erase the Beyonder? In any case: she needs power to do so. Rogue, Kitty and randomly Spider-Woman give it up willingly, Magneto, Colossus and Wolverine relinquish power while sleeping and Ororo tries to talk Rachel out of it, but she still just takes it.

The Phoenix rises again and, once more, takes for the M’Kraan Crystal and touches the cosmos. (I told y’all it was Phoenix Redux.) But after touching all those countless lives of people just living, Storm gets through to her – I mean, killing the entire universe would lay heavily on anyone’s conscience – and Rachel ultimately doesn’t do it: she teleports everyone back to San Francisco.

The Beyonder appears, furious: Rachel undoing the universe was all along his plan, because then he could return to the Primal Unbeing without making his hands dirty. Rachel was his catspaw, and she failed even that. Why he doesn't just end the universe himself is beyond me (pun not intended). But before he can kill them all, Rachel returns her Phoenix powers to him, along with the insights she gleaned. And, just like her, he realizes that life is precious. Rah rah rah. He disappears, leaving the X-Men alive.

Ffs, the Beyonder is the most boring villain ever. An omnipotent teenager who just realized that he’s not the only living thing in the universe. This whole arc is just… such a nothingburger. The Beyonder turns out to be irrelevant, the New Mutants are restored to life and even Rachel’s new lease on life is extremely temporary. Absolutely the worst kind of tie-in to a Crisis Crossover. The only fortunate thing is that I don’t think I’ll have to read about the Beyonder ever again.

Nightcrawler’s Solo Adventure

Kurt is still back in New York, angsting about the Beyonder and the implications of the existence of something so terrifying and so godlike. His Catholic butt big sad, y’all. But then, he hears someone getting kidnapped by Arcade and saves her in a swashbuckling Mad Max side quest! When returning the captured girl to her apartment it is revealed she is… Judith Rassendyll, the lost Queen of Ruritania!

Yeah, we never ever see Judith again and the next time we see Nightcrawler he’s back with the X-Men, so this one off is truly madly deeply the onest off of all one offs.

Yes, just like Spider-Man, Nightcrawler recognizes the sound of Arcade kidnapping someone by the very specific sound the truck makes when it uses a… pipelike contraption to sweep someone off the sidewalk. It’s a superhero thing, you wouldn’t get it.

Wolverine’s solo adventure: Reavers & Deathstrike

Somewhere, Spiral – previously of the Freedom Force in order to hunt a fugitive man called Longshot – is modifying a bunch of guys called the Reavers and Lady Deathstrike (she’s new!) in her Body Shoppe. I always have a bit of a tonal whiplash with that, because to me, the Bodyshop is a bougie store that sells cruelty free soaps and scents. Needless to say, Spiral’s Body Shoppe is decidedly not cruelty free.

Fuck, but I really love Windsor-Smith’s artwork. Lush (which is incidentally what the Body Shop was rebranded to) (Uncanny X-Men 205)

The Reavers are some ex-Hellfire Club-goons that Wolverine once cut up. Since then, they’ve become bionic, in an effort to become strong enough to face Wolverine. Deathstrike – neé Oyama Yuriko – also wants vengeance on Wolverine for Something Mysterious he did to her dad. She is one of Wolverine’s many foils, and she’s beautifully designed too: she shares his idea of honour, but not the humanity or morality to wield it well. Also, whereas Wolverine had his humanity forcibly stripped from him when he got his adamantium skeleton, Deathstrike gave up her humanity willingly.

Meanwhile, it’s Christmas in New York! (It’s never really explained why Logan is in NYC, so don’t worry about it!) Whilst out shopping in the snow, Katie Power (Energized from the Power Pack) gets snatched by a half-naked feral Wolverine, which arouses obvious suspicion from the police. (Fair.) There’s no quicker way to unendear me from a comic book than by introducing precocious preteen superheroes. Like, eight year olds shouldn’t be vigilantes. Still, this is a convincing narrative, mostly because Katie is a good innocent foil to Wolverine.

Anyway, Katie and Wolverine flee from Deathstrike and the Reavers, proving once again that Wolverine can’t be near young girls without forming a paternal bond with them. Finally, Wolverine goes berserk and picks off the Reavers one by one, before dueling Lady Deathstrike and defeating her. In a cute detail, Katie keeps her eyes closed during their whole battle, so as to preserve her innocence.

Solid one-shot that, like Windsor-Smith’s Storm issues before this, mostly serve to flesh out one X-Man. It also introduces Deathstrike and the Reavers, who’ll be important later.

Rachel’s breakdown

The X-Men decide to stay in San Francisco for now, with Jessica Drew (a former Spider-Woman) and, uh, a rando. It’s all so normal that Kitty even has a date! (Which brings out the mother in Storm, always a highlight.)

It’s never really explained why they don’t want to return to the Institute. Is it because Magneto rules Graymalkin Lane now, and the X-Men want to let him know that they’re not okay with that? It’s never said aloud, but…

Anyway, a postcard from Scott, Madelyne and baby Nathan is enough to send Rachel in yet another tailspin how she can’t meet her dad’s family and I’m so over her. Fuuuuuck, this is exhausting.

I mean, I guess props to Claremont for writing an annoying, drama-prone teenager convincingly, I guess. (Uncanny X-Men 206.)

AND THEN FREEDOM FORCE ATTACKS. For this raid, Freedom Force, formerly the Brotherhood of Mutants, consists out of:

Spiral. Dimension dancer, we saw her three paragraphs ago.

Pyro. Idiot Australian. Can control fire, but not create it. Thinks he’s a lot smarter than he is.

Avalanche. Idiot Greek. Creates earthquakes, but maybe gave himself his codename during a ski trip? Is about a smart as he thinks he is, which isn’t a lot.

Blob. Big, big guy, cannot be moved if he doesn’t want to. The perfect lackey.

Spider-Woman. Presumably the reason Jessica Drew isn’t Spider-Woman anymore, but I’m not invested enough to run a background check on her.

Mystique. Rogue’s foster mom, Nightcrawler’s actual mom. Calculating shapeshifter. Usually the leader.

Destiny. Rogue’s other foster mom, Nightcrawler’s actual other mom, Destiny’s paramour, though those last two covertly. Can see the future, usually. Schemer.

Mystique and Destiny aren’t actually there, which means the Brotherhood is at about 15% of their usual competence – and 14% of that is Spiral – and therefore quickly dispatched with.

Avalanche and Pyro, burning through their last braincell. (Uncanny X-Men 206)

When the police arrive, the Freedom Force reveal they're federal officers working for the USA, having been pardoned by the government. Since the X-Men have built some goodwill rebuilding the city, the cops want to see a warrant first. The Freedom Force didn’t bring one – again, these guys don’t do well without Mystique – so they are forced to let the X-Men go for now. They vow to return, however, necessitating the X-Men to flee, making their stint in San Francisco the shortest-lived status quo shake-up ever.

Prelude

The X-Men then go to live with the Morlocks for… some reason? Look, I don’t mind a little show rather than tell, but this year just feels so… disjointed. Why was Wolverine in New York? Why did none of the X-Men go pick up Nightcrawler? Why aren’t they going back to the Institute? I get that the Morlocks’ Healer is healing Wolverine after the fight with Deathstrike, but surely the mansion's med bay is a better recovery place than the fucking sewers. Some allusions on why we’re doing what we’re doing might be nice.

I think it’s mostly Claremont spinning his wheels. Highlighting the Morlocks is not a bad move, considering what will come Later This Year, but it’s all done so haphazardly, so randomly.

Anyway. Fine. There’s more Rachel Angst: despite her Life-Is-Worth-Living epiphany with the Beyonder, she’s slipping back into her depression. She senses that the X-Men don’t trust her, her volatile powers and the way she almost went Dark Phoenix. And, while that might be an accurate depiction of depression and the way you can regress while dealing with it, narratively it’s very frustrating to see Rachel keep hitting that same fucking button.

Welcome, gentle readers, to Symbolism 1.02: The Shattered Mirror as a Metaphor for the Shattered Self (Uncanny X-Men 207)

Rachel and Wolverine keep invading each other’s nightmares and then Rachel flees, afraid of the X-Men’s dirty looks and the way they keep her at arm’s length. On the surface, she then has the bright idea to go and kill Selene, in some… misguided effort to do some good, I guess? Wolverine follows her, tipped off by her nightmares.

To her credit, Rachel actually succeeds in infiltrating the Hellfire Club and nearly murders Selene, but Wolverine stops her, claiming that heroes don’t do murder. (Again, not a wrong take for the X-Men, but Wolverine is perhaps the least qualified to have a strong opinion about this. Now if this were Storm or Kitty…)

Rachel is (again) in a dark place and is (again) losing it. She refuses to stop:

Suicide by Snikt. Damn. (Uncanny X-Men 207)

Anyway, he fails at killing Rachel and she gets away. Wolverine reports back to the X-Men, who vehemently disagree with him trying to kill Rachel. All except Storm, who “understands but does not sanction” his actions. Well, I guess that's not a discussion worth having any further, right? Then, they set out to find her.

The narrative then proves Rachel’s point, when a weakened Selene immediately slaughters a mugger and his would be victim. She then rallies the Inner Circle of the Hellfire Club to go after Rachel (Sebastian Shaw is reluctant) while somewhere else, Nimrod emerges from his weird self-imposed exile – seriously, he’s an undercover robot who lives with a family and it’s yet another weird character turn that I don’t quite fathom – to hunt down Rachel, because her power levels have been spiking. (Sure, but Selene running around doesn’t ping your radar, you weird mutant-huntin’ murder!bot?)

Meanwhile, a desperate, lethally wounded Rachel happens upon the bodies of the people Selene killed and immediately does a long distance lash-out at Wolverine. Both Storm and Rogue realize they should have treated Rachel kinder, that they should have recognized her depression. With Wolverine out, the Morlock Caliban becomes their tracked.

Caliban, we can only applaud your shirt! (uncanny X-Men 207.)

Chaos erupts when these groups meet each other. You’ve got:

The X-Men;

The Morlocks Callisto, their leader, and Caliban;

The Inner Circle: Selene, Sebastian Shaw, Tessa (Shaw’s assistant), Harry Leland, some enforcers and Von Rauhm, Selene’s Black Rook;

Nimrod, who senses twelve X-Men, which is at least five too many(!) But more on that later.

When Nimrod very easily kills the Black Rook, it has, at the very least, the quick effect of uniting everyone against him, like when a bear stirs up a hornet’s nest. In the ensuing chaos, a traumatized Rachel once again flees the scene: she fears Nimrod from the alternative future she comes from. And then she hears music and slips into a supposedly abandoned theatre...

Apparently, Rachel’s idealized self doesn’t have a lesbian haircut. Boo hiss. (Uncanny X-Men 207)

The observant reader recognizes this interdimensional Body Shoppe by now. And just like that, with a promise to take all the pain away, to leave everything that Rachel was, Spiral spins and twists and dances Rachel out of the narrative.

Man. Even the ending of her storyline is kind of a bummer. Rachel abandons her family and friends simply so she can escape all of her pain. She sees no other recourse but to scrub herself from her life. There’s very little hopeful to be gleaned from this, even though Rachel at some point returns – although by that point, she’s so different you can kind of wonder if this Rachel actually survives.

Back in the park, Nimrod takes out Rogue and Nightcrawler, and uses Sebastian Shaw’s powers – to absorb any and all kinetic impacts, shrugging off even the most powerful of punches – against him, punting him into the stratosphere. It takes the combined effort of Harry Leland’s gravitational powers, Colossus’ pure strength and Shadowcat’s electricity-frying phasing to slow Nimrod down a little, but the effort of the fight gives Harry Leland a heart attack.

The old man doesn’t go out without a fight though:

Took the words right out of my mouth, Wolverine. (Uncanny X-Men 207)

Aw, I’ve always liked Harry Leland. He always seemed a lot more grounded than most of the Hellfire Club, even despite that silly burglar mark.

I think this issue marks the first time that Tessa and Storm successfully work together. Tessa (the one in the stylish shroud) will turn out to be very important later.

Shaw’s deep impact takes out Nimrod, but just when Wolverine prepares to cut the robot to bolts, it teleports away. It’s a little dissatisfying, but that’s kind of par for the course at this point. With sirens blaring in the background, Tessa offers Storm shelter at the Hellfire Club and, strapped for other options, Storm accepts the offer.

And with Rachel gone from the story for now, and the X-Men needing to regroup, we end the recap. Next up will be the first mutant crossover, something that will become a yearly staple henceforth: the Mutant Massacre.

What to read: I’m sorry to say, but you can skip it all. Turns evil: Rachel. Sort of. Poor girl. You can tell she was one of Claremont’s favourites, considering all the abuse he put her through.

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