#balls to the walls crazy because this sort of analysis is my shit and this show does such an incredible job in the music department

[human-sweater-vest]

hi welcome back to me once again screaming about our flag means death and its use of gnossienne no. 5. heads up for spoilers for the first three episodes of season two and each episode the theme pops up in going forward.

cool cool cool. so it's been established that gnossienne no. 5 is the love theme for ed and stede as it was used during many of the pivotal moments of their relationship in season one. I'll do a brief recap but for a post breaking that down more see this bad boy.

the main thing with my previous analysis is that the instruments and tone changed each time the song came in, sometimes being loud and brash, other times being a whisper in the back of a quiet realization. therefore, I was so incredibly excited to see if/when/how it made its reappearance in season two. below is a compilation I'll update with each episode .

episode one and two don't have any use of it as far as I caught on my first watch through. please let me know if you catch it!

episode three:

5:40 - when stede boards the revenge for the first time after ed destroys it. he's looking for his love and it makes sense that this would be our first instance of the song in the season so far. however, the slow and almost hesitant piano of the song is cut off by the sheer destruction of the ship. we know how much the revenge means to stede, it was his lifeline and his home and the place he and ed found their love for each other. naturally it being destroyed would halt the music. it's also fun that we make it all the way to episode three without it appearing because that's when ed makes his first appearance in season one. good symmetry. good soup.

12:35 - when stede enters the captain's quarters alone to clean up the daggers the song comes in and we hear the iconic melody instead of just the notes leading up to it. he's fully allowing himself to stew in the mess the man he loves has made and how he's a direct cause of it. the main part starts as the camera shifts to a dagger right before stede pulls it out, perhaps indicating that their love has wounded them. he knows that ed is gone but the crew hasn't revealed where or why. the music then ends on a sour note and cuts out as izzy starts to speak, breaking the spell as he's confronted with the reality of one of the people who has been both complicit and victimized by ed's breakdown.

16:06 - as stede admits to zheng yi sao that he feels like he's the cause of ed's destructive streak and that he let him down, the theme once again comes in, this time softer than the previous two appearances in the episode. notably it's also piano, keeping in line the same tonal theme of simplicity and hesitance. it once again runs its course until an interruption happens with auntie bursting in to announce that she found "the jackpot" aka a dying ed stored in the secret room.

episode four:

00:00 - right at the start as ed is coming back to life. it ends abruptly as ed hits stede in the face, showing us that things aren't going to be all lovey dovey.

26:05 - it starts as ed says "buttons, people don't change" (before buttons turns into a seagull, proving this to be false). this is a really important one for several reasons. the first of which being that stede has once again left him alone in the woods, but this time he comes back for ed. ed is confronted with change, assured by it, things can be better. the second and infinitely more exciting to me, is the fact that this version is played on the harpsichord. where did we hear the harpsichord version last? the bathtub scene of season one, when ed decides to change for the first time. when he trusts stede to change with him.

episode five:

26:03- "you wear fine things well" part two. y'all. Y'ALL. it's the same exact version as the first time this scene happened. the critical difference is that they're experiencing it as reality and not a lovestruck delusion. they're flawed and fucked up and the moon isn't as full but the song is still the same. they're still in love.

episode eight:

12:10 - "I feel it in my soul, a love like ours can't disappear in an instant" Y'ALL I FUCKING CALLED IT I KNEW WE'D GET A BIGGER ORCHESTRATION OF THE SONG. we have strings as well as the piano and the theme is joyful and beautiful and reflecting that ed finally admits to himself that he loves stede. this is it. I'm buying dinner and going feral as my original tags promised. y'all this season was a doozy and you can best believe that if we get a season three I will be losing my noodle on how they decide to orchestrate the final usage of this song.

[kinitstuffblr]

WHO WANTS TO ANALYZE CRAZY DREAMS?!!

Aight bros this dream I had last night was INSANE basically because it made a lot of sense in a lot of different weird ways and I personally love hearing people’s dreams and helping interpret them SO I hope all FOURTEEN of you maybe-real-people will consider sharing YOUR dreams with me via asks/messages/comments/whatever (if you want other people to weigh in then go for it in the comments otherwise I don’t mind if it’s just one-on-one I really just want to discuss dreams).  To get the ball rolling I’ll describe my dream and my analysis of it (But feel free to just skip reading that part and go straight to yours if you want! I’m half typing this out just to keep a record for myself)

SO my dreams lately have involved being lost, usually in cities, where I’m vaguely aware of where I should be and am trying to find my way toward that.  AND lately my dreams have distinct beginnings and ends and relative themes throughout, which is not how they used to be.  I’m going to break this one down into separate numbered sections to kind of establish the timeline and to highlight the key parts.

Part 1: I was in an empty mall; mostly empty, with the stores all dark, but not closed.  Think small town, mid-day, but technically open so one or two stores are still available for shopping.  I was just sort of wandering through with no real goal, like a lazy tourist, and I knew I was in my local Big City.

Usually I go to this Big City and sort of do a lazy tourist thing a lot when I’m getting ready to attend a con, which I am currently irl preparing for, so it made sense to me that I was in the area wandering around.

Part 2: I saw a theatre attached to the mall, where there was basically just a big entrance that opens up and there it is - but it was a stage theatre, not a movie theater.  I could see the stage and all the seating just past the ticket counter.  Next thing I know, I see several drag queens in powdered wigs and costumes filing out of a nearby door, which I guessed led to a green room.  At the end of the line was a close friend of mine, the only anatomical female of the group, dressed as Marie Antoinette, and she was surprised to see me and invited me to come watch the show (which, of course, I eagerly agreed to).

First of all, she would SO take that role and she would SO be part of a drag show if the opportunity presented itself, so all that made lots of sense to me.  I also adore this friend, and don’t hear from her much, so I’ll take every opportunity to be around her if invited.  The problem is this doesn’t happen often, and I get stuck feeling like me reaching out to hang out with her will come off as needy, but also that maybe she would prefer I reach out more and is disappointed that I haven’t.  Also, I think the last time we hung out for real was the time I’d elected to let her know about a year-long unrequited crush I’d had on her, so in the interest of never making her feel awkward again, I feel like I can never be the one to initiate a hangout, even though we’d had an open conversation that went very well considering the circumstances.  Oh - at this point I was also aware that I didn’t have my hair styled, makeup on, or an especially good outfit - I looked frumpy, which I felt she noticed.  (She’s gorgeous, not in a fake way, legitimately she always looks great but she also does fucking bomb makeup whereas I feel like I’ve never fully learned it/understood it.)

Part 3: At the drag show, I realize it’s a dress rehearsal.  No biggie.  I head to the bathroom, where a lot of the queens are now actually getting ready, some in the bathroom and some out in the hall.  I’m nonbinary, but I only recently learned what that even is and started embracing it; in the moment, I can’t decide if I should go into the female bathroom or the male bathroom.  I really don’t want to be in their way while they’re getting ready and though my instinct is to go into the bathroom opposite my assigned sex in an act to embrace my newer self, I immediately think of how non-nonbinary (not-androgynous) I look, and shamefully head into my assigned sex’s bathroom.  

This is no mystery, I still constantly feel like even a group for ‘people who don’t fit into the other groups’ is still too exclusive for me to fit into it; Like I’m posing, and I should just be quiet and stick to my assigned sex, and nonbinary isn’t what I am because I’m not nonbinary enough?? It’s hard to explain but I feel like you get it even if I can’t put it into words well.  I felt like an asshole trying to go into the opposite sex’s bathroom, but I felt like a coward ducking my head and going into ‘my’ bathroom.  

Part 4: In the bathroom, it didn’t matter what I’d chosen because the drag queens were getting ready in both (which I should have seen coming?) While in there I was of course half afraid I’d be seen through various gaps in the walls and did notice someone getting high out of a CVS bag in a stall.

This is basic bathroom-related anxiety I face in dreams a lot, although the drug thing is new and I think related to how often junkies are getting high on the steps literally outside my front door every night when I’m trying to go to bed.  In the moment I felt like I should let someone know but I didn’t because I’m not street smart and somehow that implies that street smart people don’t need me getting into their business?? Idk 

Part 5: I found a former theatre club classmate to sit with to watch the rehearsal.  I don’t remember the show at all but I remember that I was supposedly there for the whole thing and didn’t get to see or talk to my friend at all, so I ended up wandering out without saying goodbye.

Typical again - At social events with this friend, I feel like the norm has been that I don’t actually get to spend much time with her and that it’s not really noticed if I leave

Part 6: My cat was with me?? My cat, an FIV positive soft boi who I love with everything in me, was for some reason with me on this trip and I’ve just realized I’ve lost him in this mall.  He doesn’t wear a collar and is easily spooked.  Somehow I see him in an open area and swoop him up into my arms and tight against my chest; now I just have to not let him wrestle free while I find my way back to the car.

Again SO normal, but in a new, FUN terrible way! Combining my fear of losing my sick cat outside and not being able to find my car in a big city during an important situation.  Both are repeat anxiety nightmares, but I’ve never had it structured like this before.

Part 7: I don’t remember where the car is or how far; I only have a vague idea; I also know there’s no way when I get there I’ll be able to open the door without losing him but right now I’m just focused on finding the car.  Suddenly there’s a few people here and there in the mall and I’m really worried that someone will approach me to touch my cat or to offer help and only end up spooking him.  A kid walks up to me and he has a gameboy open in his hands; I know he just wants to touch my cat but I explain I need to get him to my car and he offers to help, which mostly is just him following me while half-playing his pokemon game and half looking at my cat.

The boy is the same age/slightly younger than my youngest brother and looks exactly like him and acts exactly like him, he just isn’t him somehow - and he’s legitimately sort-of-trying-to-help in his own kid way.  I appreciate the moral support.  But I’m confused what this represents in my dream?? Me and my youngest bro used to be very close, but I was a little distant with him after I moved out and lately now that he’s in high school I feel like he doesn’t want my attention as much as he used to and also doesn’t want to spend time together.  

Part 8: At one point I’m squeezing my cat so tight to my chest he’s gone limp and isn’t breathing - but I loosen up and check and he’s fine after just a second, although he’s irritated and a little squirmy.  Somehow this boy with us has now gotten me to finding my car at the top of an open parking garage and I haven’t dropped the cat the whole way.  I open the door and start putting my stuff on the seat (I had a purse this whole time).  In the front seat, there’s actually already a cat.  My cat?? I say out loud, ‘oh, I didn’t actually bring him in - there’s an unopened one right here!’.  Because the cat in the car, my cat, has a San Pelligrino soda foil cap on its head.  Also, I realize I dropped my cat - you know, the one I’d carried back? But no, there he is, and I pick him up and put him in the back seat.  He’s also my cat.  And somehow I’m still more worried about his well-being, even though supposedly, the cat in the front seat with the foil hat is mine.  

The squeezing thing is a memory of the other night irl when I realized my cat was so deep asleep he felt like he’d stopped breathing and when I moved him to wake him he was completely limp and still; he’s fine now and was confused and irate at me for waking him before.  But the two cats thing was throwing me off really hard; All I knew was that a family friend literally just put down her cat yesterday and that I’d seen pictures of her baby girl, and this girl cat looked exactly like my boy cat and was roughly the same age and had an illness.  But I was certain that both of these dream cats were my boy, although weirdly I was more loyal to the one I’d been carrying.  

My husband actually helped me figure out this crazy shit in a way that blew my mind (because foil hat was reaaally confusing me.)  He asked what I usually do with San Pelligrino sodas, and got me to admit that usually, I don’t finish them.  (I don’t always finish most drinks actually.)  But it really sucks when I leave a San Pelli unfinished, because they’re expensive and they’re one of my favorites, so wasting it is a bigger deal than wasting other drinks, and I feel regretful because I didn’t get to appreciate them all the way to their end and guilty because I didn’t do all that I could to make sure they weren’t wasted.  He said the cat in the front seat is a healthy cat - an ‘unopened’ one that I haven’t put in danger and that doesn’t have any predetermined threats to its well-being because it’s ‘new’.  I wish desperately that I didn’t have to be constantly afraid of losing my FIV boy to an illness, but at the same time I would never want to replace him with a healthy cat even if they were exactly the same - his weakness has made me not only glad I have him in my own care, where I know I’d give anything in my power to keep him healthy and happy - it’s made me and my husband open to the idea of seeking out needy pets in the future that might not otherwise have chances with families.  (We also know that we have to be ready for the worst; if a vet tells us our boy isn’t going to be happy or isn’t going to feel healthy, we need to be ready to let go and voluntarily put him down when his quality of life diminishes.)   Basically, having the opportunity of the healthy-safe-front-seat-fresh-cat didn’t make me forget or discard the one I’d carried back with me, and I think that’s my brain reaffirming I don’t regret my boi and will protect him with everything I have until I literally can’t anymore.

That was the end of my dream - putting the rescued cat in the back seat safely while acknowledging the other cat.  And I woke up with my cat snuggling me, of course.  I’ve had a lot of these weirdly detailed dreams lately and I love writing them out.  Watchyal got? Anyone??

[lz-01]

I think we all feel lonely a lot of the time, but I also know saying that probably won't help you feel better. But there's always gonna be someone there for you. Hell, I'd like to be there for you even though you don't know me (even if we've had a couple replies in ao3 comments). There's a kinda settling inspiring jimin quote somewhere that always helps me when I feel like a purposeless ball of stuffing, lemme find it for you one sec...

“The age I am most excited for? Won’t it be the time when I become the person I’ve dreamed of becoming? Although I can’t say exactly what that image is now, the important thing is that I’m currently in the process of finding that answer.” It’s just kinda reassuring I always think, that even if you don’t know exactly what you’re aiming for, you’re finding that out just by living? Idk. You seem awesome, I love your writing and your blog is cool and I hope this helped a little :)

At first I was very confused ‘cause I was like, “How did you know I’m lonely???” Then I looked through my recent posts, like duh, that’s how you know, lolol. 

IDK, it’s just really hard ‘cause I’ve basically given up on one dream my only dream, and now I’m like totally lost again because I had no back-up plan. This was the back-up plan. Like idk how to explain it because I basically have to give you ten years of history…

So I was a pretty troubled teen, but because I’m super smart (not a brag, just a reality) people never really noticed or at least they never did anything about it. I was living with my mom and my first stepdad, and he kinda went crazy…like highlighting Bible verses about subjugating women, punching holes in the wall next to my mother’s head, and like throwing out my books and shit to “save my soul” kind of crazy. He told me I couldn’t have music lessons any more unless I paid for it myself, so guess what? No more music lessons, and that was kinda my last outlet aside from writing to escape the craziness. I started partying a lot: dex, weed, pain pills, booze. I wanted to be as numbed up as I could get. But because I still pulled good grades in school and had a part-time job which I mainly used to fund my party habits, no one really noticed. 

When I got to college, I spun out big-time, got super depressed, and dropped out. I finally went to see a shrink and got on antidepressants, but that just made me worse I found out recently that I just can’t metabolize antidepressants, so they will never work right for me, and I got misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. During the next three years, I enrolled and dropped out of two more colleges to keep my health insurance, all so I could keep trying out various med cocktails that never worked for me and just messed me up more. Finally, I just stopped taking them ‘cause I figured something wasn’t right. By this time, I should have hit on something that would work for me, but instead I just seemed to be getting worse. 

After like six months of being off my meds, I felt totally fine. It was like my brain, after all that fuckery, had reached equilibrium on its own. I decided I wanted to go to college and get a Ph.D so I could teach at the college level. I’d always liked engaging in analysis and social critique; my personality makes that sort of innate for me. But I had to delay another year when my grandma got really sick, and my mom–after my first stepdad had finally left and ceased torturing us all–couldn’t afford the kind of round-the-clock care she needed. So I worked at home running my grandmother’s hospice care. 

When we were finally in a good spot financially, I left for school on the other side of the country. I was 24 when I started undergrad. Things were fine at first. I had a lot of enthusiasm and big ideas, and so I took two majors (one for a career in anthropology, the second one in creative writing just for fun) and a minor in Linguistics. Plus, I got into the Honors College, and was working on a 15-credit designation so I could earn Magna Cum Laude. 

Then when I was in my Junior year, I started having problems with depression again. I changed up my graduation plan and extended my time there by taking on another minor in American Studies, and switched up my habits to try and get healthier again. It worked for like a year, but I started having more health problems, which I ignored because I’m super scared of doctors after everything that happened in my late teens/early twenties. I proceeded with my plan: apply to graduate schools, now in American Studies since I thought the interdisciplinary focus on native problems would give me a lot of wiggle room in my projects. I got in, planned out the move, found a place to live, and had everything ready to go. Meanwhile, my health was getting worse and worse, and finally two weeks before graduation, I had to be hospitalized. After many rounds of testing and almost a week in the hospital, they figured out that I was having gall stones, and had to remove my gall bladder. Two weeks after graduation, my mom and stepdad #2 came to help me move to Kansas. 

Once I got here, I just couldn’t cope any more. It was like my brain and my body hit this total collapse. I couldn’t deal with the stress of grad school. I hadn’t bonded with anyone. I didn’t feel like I belonged there. Physically, I felt like shit all the time. I couldn’t sleep, but was so tired all the time. I was having 3-4 panic attacks a week. I couldn’t focus; I couldn’t get any reading done; I couldn’t think clearly enough to write my term papers. I was in a lot of pain. I started drinking a lot and smoking hella pot again just to get through the week. I took incompletes in both my classes that semester. It was a miracle I got through my TA-ship. 

Over the break, I’ve done a lot of work on my health. I found a doctor here who’s willing to try holistic approaches to health. She’s the one who got me the genetic test to figure out why antidepressants and stuff don’t work for me. So I spend ridiculous amounts of money per month on supplements and herbs, and I’m slowly starting to recover my energy. I’m not having panic attacks anymore. I started doing yoga as my first step to making my old, broken body work again. But it’s a long, slow process. I don’t think I can do that and deal with grad school; I don’t know if I can deal with grad school at all. It’s such a high pressure environment. Which means I basically have to give up on my dream of teaching university because you need a Ph.D to do it. 

So what the fuck now? What do I do? I’m stuck out here in Kansas. I’ve got no friends and no family. I’m in bad health. I’ve given up on my dream. I’m going to be 30 in September. 30 fucking years old, and I have no idea what I’m doing. Like what is even the point, you know? I don’t like anything. I don’t want to do anything. 

I mean, I’d like to get back into music, but lbr that ship has fucking sailed so far past the horizon, I can’t even see it anymore. I want to get back into art and writing, but chances of making a living at it are so fucking slim, it’s laughable. So what do I do? Where do I go from here? 

Life is a fucking joke, istg. You know, I always say that life is meaningless; the only point to the existence of our species is to reproduce and die. Outside of those two milestones, everything is just filler; so we should fill it up with stuff that makes us happy, not shit that’s gonna make that time miserable. But what do you do when nothing makes you happy anymore? How do you go on? Why even bother trying to fix my broken body and my fucked up brain if there’s nothing that will fill the empty spaces in me? 

My existence is quite literally purposeless. I won’t reproduce, there’s nothing for me to fill my life with, so it feels like the only thing left to do is die. I’m so stubborn though; I don’t want to commit suicide because I don’t want a bunch of fakes crawling out from their rocks talking about how it’s such a shame, they were my best friends, I had so much potential. I always hated those fake bitches who pretended to love people after they were dead. Like shut up, you had one class with me; the most I ever said to you was, “Hey, pass the papers back.” Know what I mean? I don’t want to give fakes the opportunity to have their five minutes of pseudo-spotlight time. So I keep going even though it all seems pointless to me.