#badbitchonfilm

[slut4film]

062121 - Knives Out (2019), Dir. Rian Johnson

PLOT: When renowned crime novelist Harlan Thrombey is found dead at his estate just after his 85th birthday, the inquisitive and debonair Detective Benoit Blanc is mysteriously enlisted to investigate. From Harlan’s dysfunctional family to his devoted staff, Blanc sifts through a web of red herrings and self-serving lies to uncover the truth behind Harlan’s untimely death.

CAST:

Daniel Craig as Benoit Blanc

Chris Evans as Hugh Ransom Drysdale

Ana de Armas as Marta Cabrera

Jamie Lee Curtis as Linda Drysdale

Michael Shannon as Walt Thrombey

Don Johnson as Richard Drysdale

Toni Collette as Joni Thrombey

Lakeith Stanfield as Detective Lieutenant Elliott

Katherine Langford as Meg Thrombey

Jaeden Martell as Jacob Thrombey

Christopher Plummer as Harlan Thrombey

GENRES:

Mystery

Comedy

Drama

Crime

INITIAL THOUGHTS:

That introduction scene of finding Harlan might have come straight out of a Seven Super Girls video.

Every time I see Katherine Langford, I can’t help but think of the Pretty Much It video where they make fun of the way she said “sprite” and then made fun of her accent and said “err nurr, hannur!”

I love Jamie Lee Curtis’ red suit.

Not the Jacob slander.

I kinda wish Daniel Craig didn’t wear that baby blue button up but I guess it matches his tie.

Richard looks a lot like he goes golfing at 5am every Saturday with his neighbor.

God, I would’ve hated my mother if she were Toni Collette stealing my tuition and as a result, my grandfather would not pay for my tuition anymore.

Where the fuck did they film this? The location, house, scenery, it’s all so gorgeous.

Oooh, the way she said “Cabrera.”

Lakeith Stanfield has a very soothing voice.

Stop, Harlan seems so precious… He’s so excited to be 85!!

This is why I could never be a nurse… too grounded and too much risk.

I would actually fucking panic and shit my pants if this shit happened to me.

That’s actually fucking ingenious, holy shit!

The secret door is so cool, I want one.

Not Nana thinking Marta was Ransom

The doggies are so cute.

Sometimes I forget that Chris Evans is hot.

Wait, Chris Evans is only 6’0??

Not my mom laughing at “CSI KFC”

“Eat shit. Eat Shit. Eat shit. Definitely eat shit. Eat shit.”

They’re all like “Yeah, I’m getting this asset” and then all of the assets go to Marta.

Jamie Lee Curtis going absolute fucking batshit.

Not Jaeden Martell saying “You had sex with my grandpa, you fucking…”

I love Chris Evans’ off white knit sweater.

Not my mom thinking this was about ninjas with knife skills

God, I love a good car chase.

Chris Evans with chunks of vomit on him…

In a parallel universe, Chris Evans charms Marta into marrying him and then he gets the house instead of being arrested.

Chris Evans getting arrested… but in style.

RATING: 4.5/5 stars

[slut4film]

061621 - fight club (1999), dir. david fincher

plot: a ticking-time-bomb insomniac and a slippery soap salesman channel primal male aggression into a shocking new form of therapy. their concept catches on, with underground “fight clubs” forming in every town, until an eccentric gets in the way and ignites an out-of-control spiral toward oblivion.

cast:

brad pitt as tyler durden

edward norton as the narrator

helena bonham carter as marla singer

meat loaf as robert “bob” paulson

jared leto as angel face

genres:

drama 

thoughts:

i don’t understand why people constantly shove guns down people’s mouths, then ask them questions, waiting for them to respond as if they don’t have a gun down their throat

“okay, you cry now.”

no because was i supposed to see a flash when the doctor tells edward norton to go to testicular cancer therapy? or am i just tired? or amazon prime is glitching?

i did not expect to see bob with tits, like i read that he had tits but i didn’t think they were gonna be bigger than mine

i just can’t find it in myself to be vulnerable with a stranger

no because what did the narrator’s name tag say??

marla singer rights!!

why was edward norton so pressed about marla being a tourist when he was a tourist too??

marla throwing her cig and almost hitting edward norton in the face >>

“this is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

is edward norton’s dream of a plane crash what final destination was based off of?? because that plane crash scene looks a lot like the fd scene with no fire

okay maybe brad pitt was the perfect person to play tyler durden but i wish it was matt dillon

also, brad pitt’s suit is fucking ugly

i’ll admit it, i don’t find brad pitt attractive. i’d give him a solid 3.5/10

i really made the house look so good when i imagined it while reading the book and now i’m watching them go to a decrepit piece of shit

“i am jill’s nipple”

tell me why i thought my happy ending by avril lavigne was playing in the background

“1st rule of fight club: you don’t talk about fight club. 2nd rule of fight club: you don’t talk about fight club.”

of course, tyler durden would fight hemingway.

titties!!

brad pitt’s sunglasses are mad ugly, why did they do him so dirty??

so this is what maude apatow meant by brad pitt’s abs in assassination nation

marla’s blush pink dress is an actual beauty and only cost a dollar at the thrift, what a steal!!

knowing that edward norton is tyler durden before it’s revealed in the film makes me realize how the audience is expected to think that marla is batshit crazy but knowing edward norton is tyler durden makes you see that marla is really just confused as to why edward norton is blowing her off as if they didn’t fuck for hours the night before or why he’s talking to absolutely nothing but fucking air because she’s fucking tyler durden but it’s really edward norton but we think it’s tyler durden… god this is such a mindfuck, am i even explaining this shit right?

why is tyler durden wearing a fucking maple leaf pattern hawaiian shirt type of vibe?

bob seems so enthusiastic, he deserves so much better

the sound of punches is such a satisfying sound

punched out brad pitt is giving me newt from the maze runner circa death cure crank era

there’s just something so fun about watching people fight… especially if it’s matt martin or casey cizikas my beloved

knowing that raymond was supposed to be white and i’m pretty sure edward norton was supposed to be the one taking his wallet makes this scene feel so weird to me

homie has so much fucking chest hair wtf

“and you… YOU’RE TOO FUCKING BLONDE!” blonde jared leto can come my way if y’all don’t want him

“in tyler we trusted” me with mat barzal… i’m not even kidding, “in barzal we trust” is in my instagram bio

oh no, what did they do to jared leto’s face??

the way marla says “tyler durden” >>

not tyler calling edward norton a crazy person when he literally looks like that

the security guards watching edward norton get wwe smackdown’ed by absolutely nothing

yes! y’all hear the pixies?

not the penis ruining the vibe of buildings collapsing and pixies in the background

rating: 4.5/5 stars

[slut4film]

060621 - the florida project (2017), dir. sean baker

plot: a mischievous 6 year old finds the magic in her own circumstances while living with her troubled mom in a budget motel near disney world.

actors: 

brooklynn prince as moonee

bria vinaite as halley

willem dafoe as bobby hicks

christopher rivera as scooty

valeria cotto as jancey

genres:

drama (slice of life)

thoughts:

the aesthetic of such a bright purple motel fits the film so well.

moonee!! scooty!!! what???!!!!

celebration playing in the background is such a vibe

miss maam went out to take a cigarette break and get away from her daughter’s children and just saw kids spitting on her car, poor lady can’t catch a break

“go home, ratchet bitch!”

“you are shit!”

“it wasn’t him, it was me, you stupid thot!”

poor girl got spit on by moonee and still became her friend, i could never

moonee’s star printed leggings are really taking me back to my childhood.

no, because moonee’s mom would be me as a mother unless my child’s father is mathew barzal, then i would be the best mother.

bria vinaite’s tattoos are so hot

might fuck around and name my kid scooter after scooty, not scooter braun

it was definitely disrespectful but the scene was quite fun

“what kind of name is jancey?” what kind of name is scooty???

ask-ed

scooty’s mom is so pretty

stop halley and ashley’s outfits are giving me jules and maddy vibes lowkey

“like, lady, open it”

“relax, your daughter is safe in my hands.”

jancey really said “don’t call me a loser but okay”

what was the correlation between asthma and ice cream?

jancey looking between moonee and scooty and the lady they asked for money trying to figure out her moral compass

moonee, scooty, and jancey licking the ice cream together is taking me back to sophomore year when this boy that i liked licked my ice cream and said “it’s okay right? i don’t have herpes, i won’t give you a disease.”

“i’ve failed as a mother, moonee. you’ve disgraced me.”

brazillian lady was way too high maintenance like i get you wanted to stay at walt disney world for your honeymoon but at least you’re saving money

those raspberry croissants sound so good.

i agree, the purple does look nice

the bed bugs on the bed are taking me back to thanksgiving 2016 when my family stayed at a motel in barstow and my mother ended up contracting a cold sore.

how is she not hearing 4 loud children screaming “boobies! boobies!!”?

“i still wanna go topless with my big titties”

“call the sheriff, he just touched my tit”

his name’s patrice?? like that son of a bitch patrice bergeron???

“mom, what about this one? you can smell just like justin bieber!”

period, baby, hustle them tourists with some cheap ass perfume

you know, i understand why dicky’s dad was taking him to new orleans, floridians are on some crack shit.

honestly, i feel that halley could be a really good mother if she put in a lot of effort and put her full potential into being a mother

they’re gonna go from “goodnight, bitch, i love you” to wwe smackdown real quick

the receptionist has had enough and most definitely wants to quit

i could not be up that high, instead of the paint can falling, i would be falling

the old man might have been a pedophile but he also looks like he’s experiencing a mental breakdown

that house has definitely seen some project x type shit

scooty just got 7 years of bad luck

should i be laughing at the fact that these kids just committed fucking arson? and the fact that halley is so excited to see a burning house??

also, the picture of moonee in front of the burning house is so goddamn funny

“world star!!”

not the girl getting run over by a car

“i want strawberry waffles with extra, extra, warm syrup and i want eggs and bacon and strawberries and blueberries and coke, root beer, and lemonade, sprite… i actually want extra bacon. lots of bacon and extra jelly.”

moonee is mad gassy

not her smashing the take out boxes on the side of the street.

“get off your power trip! you’re riding a golf cart!”

“why’d you let her have all our perfume??”

i would also give my kid a piggyback ride if i was walking too fast even if she would absolutely break my back because i am a weakling

moonee just minding her business and dancing in the lobby

“give us a break, lady!”

“since it’s bedtime, can we finally fucking smoke a blunt outside?”

no offense to jancey but she’ll never be able to replace scooty

“i’m gonna cook alien food!”

happy birthday, jancey!!

“this is the best jelly i’ve ever eated”

of course there’s a machine gun america in fucking florida

i feel like halley and moonee is what lorelai and rory would have been like if lorelai hadn’t grown up

“that’s grand larceny, bitch!”

bria vinaite flipping off and motioning a blowjob behind willem dafoe is everything

i love bria vinaite’s voice so much

no because if i went to stick my pad on the window, she would be full of dried and wet, clumpy blood

boom! there’s the wwe smackdown!

i feel so bad for scooty, seeing someone you trusted beat your mother right in front of you

“why is my mom yelling?” this always breaks my heart because moonee knows that there’s something wrong and it’s not something that can be solved or fixed easily

you see, at age six, i wasn’t watching spongebob squarepants, i was watching degrassi… this is why i ended up fucked in the head

moonee did not just call the strawberry-raspberry combo “gross”

no, because why did moonee have to be put in foster care?? why couldn’t they just let her stay with jancey and her family??

“you’re my best friend and this might be the only time i see you again” god, i am crying

currently sobbing

the intense music with children running to disneyland is giving me seven super girls vibes

i’m still trying to figure out how they got into fucking disney world

final rating: 5/5 stars

[slut4film]

062021 - The Devil’s Candy (2015), Dir. Sean Byrne

PLOT: A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.

CAST:

Ethan Embry as Jesse Hellman

Shiri Appleby as Astrid Hellman

Kiara Glasco as Zooey Hellman

Pruitt Taylor Vince as Ray Smilie

GENRES:

Horror

Drama

Thriller

INITIAL THOUGHTS:

I feel like Ethan Embry’s character in this is Mark from Empire Records mixed with his character in Can’t Hardly Wait.

How do they already have furniture?? I didn’t get furniture until 2 years into living in my house.

WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE… why is Ethan Embry so fucking ripped like what???

“It gets better, I promise.” Oh yeah? Well, it took a year and a half for it to get better and if anything, it’s worse.

Zooey is so pretty.

I could never open the door, my social anxiety would pop out.

Ethan Embry’s kinda hitting different in this and I don’t know how to feel about it.

Living for Ethan Embry’s lil ponytail.

The paint visuals mixed with the blood visuals are *chef’s kiss*

As much as I wanted to see Ethan Embry beat the shit out of orange tracksuit, seeing Ethan Embry get kicked in the head was way better.

Zooey’s eyes are actually breathtaking, holy shit.

Zooey deserves better: she’s been attacked twice and has a shitty dad.

Oh my god, not Ethan Embry!

I can’t help but think of Bertram from Jessie every time I see orange tracksuit.

Don’t kill Shiri Appleby!!

Holy shit, that’s like the only time a gun has run out of bullets in film.

Eww, did he pierce his nipple or some shit??

The visuals weren’t that cool but I love that every time Ethan Embry bludgeoned orange tracksuit with the guitar, it made sound.

RATING: 3.5/5 stars

[slut4film]

062021 - You’re Next (2011), Dir. Adam Wingard

PLOT: When the Davison family comes under attack during their wedding anniversary getaway, the gang of mysterious killers soon learns that one of their victims harbors a secret talent for fighting back.

CAST:

Sharni Vinson as Erin

Nicholas Tucci as Felix Davison

Wendy Glenn as Zee

A. J. Bowen as Crispian Davison

Joe Swanberg as Drake Davison

Barbara Crampton as Aubrey Davison

Rob Moran as Paul Davison

Sarah Myers as Kelly Davison

Amy Seimetz as Aimee Davidson

Ti West as Tariq

GENRES:

Horror

Slasher

Thriller

Mystery

INITIAL THOUGHTS:

Of course, it starts out with a couple fucking.

Not my mom thinking “You’re Next” was written in orange juice and not blood.

Sharni Vinson is so pretty.

I don’t like A. J. Bowen’s beard, not doing him any justice.

I might just be terrible with faces but the mom looks a lot like Angela from The Office.

I’m seeing more chemistry between Erin and Crispian’s brother.

The mom has a very pretty nose.

Titties!!

Felix’s kinda hot, I’d give him a solid 6/10 maybe.

Why does everyone have a significant other??

Tariq is really living the life I want.

Drake is being such an asshole, fuck Drake.

It’s always a teacher-student relationship.

Crispian looks like this guy I met at a leadership retreat who was gay and I only ever heard him talk about butt plugs.

I don’t fuck with decapitation.

Not the mom dying so early.

They should really just board up all the windows or something.

My mother has jumped out of her seat like 75 times and I‘ve had enough of her bullshit.

Drake coming out saying “Hey” and then sees some dude in a mask and thinks “Oh shit”

Erin is so badass.

Something about the sound of camera flashes and stabbing together that is just so fucking nauseating.

“It’s not even hot, you dumb bit-”

Sharni Vinson going WWE smackdown on Felix and Zee >>

Blenders in horror is my favorite trope.

Of course, Felix has that as his ringtone.

I knew we couldn’t trust Crispian, fuck him and his ugly ass beard.

“I stuck a blender on his head and killed him.”

Screwdriver in eye?? YES

That blood splatter into credits was kinda cool though.

RATING: 3/5 stars

[slut4film]

061921 - Splinter (2008), Dir. Toby Wilkins

PLOT: When their plans for a nature trip go awry, Polly and boyfriend Seth decide to check into a motel. On their way, they get carjacked and kidnapped by low-rent crooks Dennis and Lacey, who take the victims and their SUV to a nearby gas station. Along the way, they encounter an increasingly terrifying horde of parasites, and if any of them intend to survive, they’ll have to outsmart the deadly organisms.

CAST: 

Shea Whigham as Dennis Farell

Paulo Costanzo as Seth Belzer

Jill Wagner as Polly Watt

Rachel Kerbs as Lacey Belisle

GENRES:

Horror

Thriller

INITIAL THOUGHTS:

Paulo Costanzo is not attractive at all.

Why the fuck is Polly with Seth?? He can’t set up a tent and he can’t drive stick.

Everyone here is pissing me off. Just because you’re a doctor does not mean you can give prescriptions, you can be a doctor like fucking Spencer Reid and I have never seen Reid prescribe somebody fucking Adderall.

Sweetheart, Ginger or whoever the fuck is absolutely obliterated.

I thought you wanted Ginger to survive, now you’re shooting at it?? Fucking mental, dude.

Lacey is going through withdrawals or some shit.

You get to a point in life when you just can’t laugh when your dad makes fun of the phrase “crazy shit” and calls it diarrhea.

I hope Lacey dies first.

Eww, that is so gross, borderline crank from the maze runner energy

I hate Seth, he is so stupid, how is he studying for a PhD??

This the type of shit you see on Chiller after browsing through channels on cable.

The police officer is about to die, this dumb bitch.

Not the hysterical crying, I didn’t even see a single tear shed.

Dennis’ finger proves that this is crank energy.

Everybody here is pissing me off.

Not my father getting mad at me for looking at my phone halfway through the movie, like shit, I am sorry that you chose a subpar movie.

Does he have a fucking tampon in his mouth or some shit?

RATING: 2.5/5 stars

[slut4film]

061921 - JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM (2018), DIR. J.A. BAYONA

PLOT: Three years after the demise of Jurassic World, a volcanic eruption threatens the remaining dinosaurs on the isla Nublar, so Claire Dearing, the former park manager, recruits Owen Grady to help prevent the extinction of the dinosaurs once again.

CAST: 

Chris Pratt as Owen Grady

Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire Dearing

Rafe Spall as Eli Mills

Toby Jones as Mr. Eversoll

Ted Levine as Ken Wheatley

BD Wong as Henry Wu

Jeff Goldblum as Ian Malcolm

Justice Smith as Franklin Webb

Daniella Pineda as Zia Rodriguez

James Cromwell as Sir Benjamin Lockwood

Isabella Sermon as Maisie Lockwood

Geraldine Chaplin as Iris

GENRES:

Science Fiction

Action

Adventure

INITIAL THOUGHTS:

What a fucking idiot. Do you not see them fucking waving their hands for you to get inside the goddamn helicopter?? That’s on you! You caused your death!!

As much as I feel that they should just let the dinosaurs be and kill them off, I also don’t want to see any dinos die.

Hold on… is that the guy who committed suicide in All The Bright Places??

I feel like Justice Smith and Daniella Pineda could either become boyfriend and girlfriend or absolute best friends, the banter between the two is everything I’ve ever wanted in a relationship with a boy.

Eli Mills is giving me “I go to the country club at least once a week to go play golf with my fellow CEO buddies”

God, I hate that Chris Pratt is wearing a flannel because he’s giving me Andy from Parks and Rec right now and I love Andy but I want to hate Chris Pratt so badly.

Chris Pratt + mustache = no bueno

Okay, I forgot about Blue… yes, go back and save BLUE, just BLUE, fuck all the dinos but BLUE

I would rather get on the horse than the plane.

I think they should just stop making these films. I can’t bear to watch dinosaurs get killed knowing that they have feelings too. The Libra moon in me is popping out.

“God, it’s hot!” “It’s about to get a whole lot hotter.” Me when I said it was hot at 107 degrees and I stayed inside with the AC turned up a week ago and now it’s 117 degrees and my AC is broken.

SAVE BLUE AND THE BRACHIOSAURUSES!!

Thinking about how Justice Smith wrote that terrible song in All The Bright Places and sang it to Elle Fanning constantly.

I can’t do this, I miss Blue

How dare they gang up on Blue, attack her, and then expect her not to retaliate? Of course, she’s gonna fucking go after one of y’all! And then y’all just shoot her?? FUCK YOU! YOU SUCK!!

Zia rights!!

I can’t help but laugh at Chris Pratt being fucking paralyzed and trying to get away from the lava.

“WE MADE IT!!” *aaaaaahhhhh*

If there’s anything these films have taught me, the T-Rex is never the villain.

This is supposed to be such a climactic scene but it’s so unintentionally funny, I fucking can’t.

This is dinosaur cruelty!! SAVE THE DINOSAURS!!!

Not the white man taking their teeth, like what you gonna do? Make a dinosaur tooth necklace and sell it on Etsy??

I have officially seen Justice Smith as wanting to die (in All The Bright Places) and fearing death (in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom).

Not the brachio getting left behind. I hate this like I might fucking cry. It’s my favorite type of dino. FUCK THIS. Why couldn’t they leave behind a fucking triceratops instead?

Okay, just read the Jurassic Park Wiki and two adult brachios were captured off-screen. Thank god, my babies aren’t going extinct.

Missing Charlie, Delta, & Echo hours.

Tears are falling, I can’t do this.

The dinosaur touching her from behind was a scene straight out of a horror movie.

I actually hate Wheatley and Eli, fuck these bitches!!

I genuinely hope that we get to see Eli get his shit rocked by the T-Rex.

Look at the cute little triceratops!!

This has nothing to do with the film but dino chicken nuggets are fucking superior, I don’t care that I’m 17, they taste better than regular chicken nuggets.

What the fuck is this? A fucking runway show?

Have they not seen a single monster movie? Torturing the monster, dinosaur, animal, whatever never works, it only aggravates them even more.

If it’s still a prototype, why showcase it at a fucking auction??

FUCK ELI!! I am an Eli Mills hate page.

That dinosaur tackled the bitch with as much force as Amanda Seyfried kicked that bitch in Jennifer’s Body.

EAT ELI!!

[slut4film]

061821 - jennifer’s body (2009), dir. karyn kusama

plot: a newly possessed cheerleader turns into a killer who specializes in offing her male classmates. can her best friend put an end to the horror?

cast: 

megan fox as jennifer check

amanda seyfried as anita “needy” lesnicki

johnny simmons as chip dove

j. k. simmons as mr. wroblewski

amy sedaris as toni lesnicki

adam brody as nikolai wolf

genres:

comedy 

horror 

thoughts:

i swear if something pops out the goddamn window.

megan fox having a fall out boy poster in her room >>

“hell is a teenage girl.”

what a sad tetherball

amanda seyfried’s lips are so full

she really kicked that bitch across the room

“i recommend you shut the fuck up”

that bird’s eye view shot is *chef’s kiss*

about to make my twitter location “devil’s kettle”

jennifer’s not a cheerleader, she’s on fucking color guard

ugh megan is so hot, mgk is a lucky man. then again, megan is just as lucky, i have been in love with mgk for like 3 years. and that’s on bi panic

front butt??

“that’s why we’re biffs”

bitches try to say that megan fox isn’t talented… have y’all not watched this?? the facial expressions?? hello???

“you’re lime green jell-o and you can’t even admit it to yourself”

that sticker toilet looks mad aesthetic though

is that chris pratt??

low shoulder is such a shitty band name. no shampoo from lol has more potential than low shoulder

adam brody looks so douchey in this, what does leighton meester see in him??

not jennifer giving her anal virginity away to chris pratt

not them calling color guard “flags”

stop, adam brody looks terrible singing, no performance quality

what’s funny is that the way jennifer looks at adam brody is the way megan looks at mgk

“you wanna head some place safer, like my van” nobody wants to go to your crappy, shitty van

basically, fuck adam brody

“you’re okay right?” no shit, she’s fucking talking to you right now

“i don’t know, chip. an ‘89 rapist?”

bruh who the fuck is in needy’s house?

jennifer check is such a badass name

not her devouring a chicken, roaring like a dinosaur, and then proceeding to vomit black goop all over amanda seyfried

is that krista cook from sixteen wishes??

dillhole?

colin’s kinda cute but he’s giving me 5’7/5’8 vibes

fuck this, not low shoulder being seen as heroes, all they did was lure jennifer into their musty van and kill her

wtf is a penis cheese?

yes!! the iconic lighter scene!!!

megan fox wasn’t wrong when she said she was a god

megan fox in the heart sweater walking down the hallway is how confident i want to be

“it’s true, it’s on the wikipedia” you are a dumb bitch!

not jennifer thinking rocky horror is a boxing movie

“i can see clearly now the rain has gone”

colin should’ve known to get the fuck out and that the whole thing was sus when he saw wood nailed on the fucking door

not the condom being called “slippery swirl”

colin knew he was done for when he saw her eyes go reptilian

not the mouse crawling over his eyes

not my dad thinking this was bandslam

jennifer and needy have more chemistry than chip and needy

low shoulder has terrible haircuts, what do you mean, jennifer?

adam brody fits this role so well, god, i hate him

not them singing 867-5309 before killing her

“it’s like some x-men shit, right?”

“our library has an occult section?”

florence + the machine AND panic! at the disco (before everyone left leaving brendon urie and his trash pop)

fuck adam brody!!

the performance quality doesn’t match the song

i would say chip deserved better but it’s his fault for not listening to needy, now his mom gets to find out her son has become lasagna with teeth

“wow. nice insult, hannah montana!”

rip chip

“you killed my fucking boyfriend, you goddamn monster!”

low shoulder thinks they’re motley crue but really they’re blink-182 in the what’s my age again music video

rating: 3.5/5 stars

[slut4film]

061721 - the long dumb road (2018), dir. hannah fidell

plot: two guys serendipitously meet at a time when they both find themselves at personal crossroads and decide to embark on an unplanned road trip across the american southwest.

cast:

tony revolori as nathan

jason mantzoukas as richard

taissa farmiga as rebecca

grace gummer as nina

casey wilson as sharon richards

pamela reed as dotty

ron livingston as francois

genres:

comedy 

road trip

thoughts:

the bold yellow font over road trip movie scenery is so aesthetic

“eat shit, manny!”

jason mantzoukas and i share the same vibe

“if there’s one thing i learned on my 35 years on this planet, it’s that, the world is full of fucking bullshit!”

i would not trust jason mantzoukas

wait.. did he just call it a “jazz cigarette?”

i live in vegas and it’s not that cool

of fucking course, his favorite movie is the graduate

jason mantzoukas being blown away by fast and the furious, dwayne the rock johnson, and paul walker dying is a mood

not him calling me out for when i went through a black chunky glasses and chunky bangs wanting to do threesomes and lesbian shit

jason mantzoukas is giving me con artist vibes

no because i don’t want that normal 9 to 5 job life either

this is why you don’t fuck with white men in cowboy hats

“i’m in a really vulnerable state right now, i need your support”

i was not expecting ciara bravo to open the door looking fine as fuck

ciara bravo’s room is so goddamn pink

of fucking course, her username is ashlyrichards42069

what the fuck is a frito pie?

poor dude wanted to get the fuck away from jason mantzoukas

taissa farmiga and grace gummer?? i think yes! ahs girlies!!

wrap it before you tap it

how dare jason mantzoukas disrespect grace gummer??

francoise’s kid is such a cutie

i fucking knew francoise was gonna pull some shit after he eyed that film camera

in front of the fucking kid too

tony revolori’s first mistake was trusting jason mantzoukas enough to give him a ride

the old lady has so much energy, i love her

no because tony revolori should just let jason mantzoukas get beat the fuck up

buses remind me of the time i took a bus from la to vegas and saw this hot guy who looked like nat wolff and was gonna dj at some hotel and bought a milkshake at jack in the box

damn, that’s how it ends?

rating: 3/5 stars

[slut4film]

061521 - lol (2012), dir. lisa azuelos

plot: in a world connected by youtube, itunes, and facebook, lola and her friends navigate the peer pressures of high school romance and friendship while dodging their sometimes overbearing and confused parents. when lola’s mom, anne, “accidentally” reads her teenage daughter’s racy journal, she realizes just how wide their communication gap has grown.

cast:

miley cyrus as lola williams

demi moore as anne williams

ashley greene as ashley

adam sevani as wen

ashley hinshaw as emily

jay hernandez as james

thomas jane as allen williams

marlo thomas as gran williams

douglas booth as kyle ross

george finn as chad

lina esco as janice

tanz watson as lloyd

genres:

teen 

romance 

comedy 

drama 

thoughts:

the soundtrack for this film was unmatched, the writing might have been ass but the soundtrack made up for it.

chad was kinda hot, not gonna lie, total douche but c’mon.

what’s funny is that i don’t hear anybody call lola “lol” once in this entire film

i don’t care, the bag is fucking ugly

no because why is emily’s entire plot my sophomore year??

it’s okay, miley… FUCK CHAD!!

i just know she felt satisfied after punching that marker in

“what’s a pornstar?”

no because this is how me and my dad drive to school

“you can’t always get what you want”

imagine if demi moore just *crashed*

i remember watching this for the first time my freshman year and seeing douglas booth in the gif i had seen in the finn wolfhard fanfic i had read and being so shocked

why the fuck was chad a little pressed after seeing lola and kyle together like he wasn’t the reason they broke up?

why do they always go to paris in tv and film?? like how funded is your school?

based off style, chad would be my type. flannel, t-shirt, jeans

“stop it, shove it up your ass.” me as an older sister. i would bully the fuck outta my little brother until he grew taller than me.

“i won’t let you go, now you know, i’ve been crazy for you all this time, i kept you close, always hoping, with my heart on fire!!” BANGER

the industrial revolution unit in history is so fucking boring

douglas booth really went from no shampoo to motley crue

men just suck, period.

no because the douglas booth and miley cyrus waving at each other from across the train was so cringy but the montage is cute, i guess

i remember watching this and wanting to have a diary just like lola’s and now that diary never got filled up and is stuck under one of my drawers

“i hate my life” me too, jackson. me too.

jackson looked kinda familiar so i searched him up and apparently it’s brady from in real life… umm what???

6’2-6’4 is the perfect height, the size kink in me really comes out

“the big, big bang, the reason i’m alive”

unpopular opinion (maybe??): chad is hotter than kyle

*slams locker*

lola’s grandma >> lola’s mom

“do i have a sign on my head that says ‘cheat on me’?”

of fucking course, douglas booth is the emo boy. precursor to nikki sixx me thinks.

not kyle saying defriended instead of unfriended

“this is for bad girls with bad grades and bad futures! this is garbage! garbage!!”

this shot in the airplane was not doing douglas booth justice, i can see his yellow ass teeth

“discriminate? yo, are you kidding me? don’t say that to me, bro.”

the little french girl, joan, looks a little like young beth in the queen’s gambit.

i just don’t care about the last 30 mins that much

i would get fucking lost in paris with my friends, i would get absolutely lost

“i only smoke because of my sciatica”

lloyd really taking one for the team so kyle and lola can fuck

chad is really out here 7th wheeling

not the echo in “sex with kyle”

lola and ashley becoming friends is such a vibe for me because i love ashley

the other song by no shampoo is also a fucking banger

you know what’s not a vibe? chad’s vest

yes, heart on fire reprise!!

not someone in the crowd screaming “i love you” like they’re fucking one direction

I WON’T LET YOU GO, NOW YOU KNOW, I’VE BEEN CRAZY FOR YOU ALL THIS TIME, I’VE KEPT YOU CLOSE, ALWAYS HOPING, WITH YOUR HEART ON FIRE!!

chad and ashley, i think yes

i hate that they all get boyfriends in the end, can’t relate

rating: 3/5 stars

[slut4film]

061221 - assassination nation (2018), dir. sam levinson

plot: high school senior lily and her friends live in a haze of texts, posts, selfies, and chats just like the rest of the world. so, when an anonymous hacker starts posting details from the private lives of everyone in their small town, the result is absolute madness leaving lily and her friends questioning whether they’ll live through the night.

cast:

odessa young as lily colson

suki waterhouse as sarah lacey

hari nef as bex warren

abra as em lacey

anika noni rose as nancey lacey

colman domingo as principal turrell

maude apatow as grace

bill skarsgard as mark

joel mchale as nick mathers

bella thorne as reagan hall

genres:

comedy 

black comedy

thriller 

horror 

thoughts: 

lily colson is such a cool name but i might just be biased because colson like machine gun kelly

joel mchale only looks good with a backwards hat, and by that i mean he only looked good in deliver us from evil

“latino tom cruise”

“can i tweet that thing about guys not eating pussy being sociopathic?”

bill skarsgard looks way too old to be in this

“whip this pussy”

not cody christian thinking he’s gonna get pussy or whatever

there’s a student body email account??

“mayor bartlett dressed as a woman, fucking masturbating”

house parties just always seem boring to me, it’s just led lights, alcohol, drugs, and lame sex

“the truth is, no one wants the real you, so you stop telling the truth, you lie to your friends, you lie to your family, you lie to everyone who says they love you for being you. because guess what? they’re lying too…”

i hate this tri window bullshit

odessa young is so pretty

diamond just isn’t that hot

why does sam levinson’s movies and tv shows just never have a dress code, bitches always look ready to go to a rave

bella thorne should bring back the blue hair

“looking good today, bex.” “what?” “i said, ‘looking good today, bex’” “obviously.”

i feel like daddy is joel mchale, he was looking a lil sus when he was looking at lily earlier

“like where do you draw the line? the bar is so low. so, it’s just sick! sick!”

not the mayor shooting himself in public

“cute teen makes her pussy pulse with orgasm”

bill skarsgard looks way hotter as fucking pennywise than he does in this film

this is such a mess god

controversial opinion: brad pitt is not hot

“i just had this really scary thought, that like, we’re all characters on the sims and none of us know it.”

“i’m not a bitch. i’m a feminist.”

“hey mark, why don’t you eat my pussy?”

fuck bill skarsgard, this greasy ass bitch

y’all can’t just have make up sex like that

why the fuck do y’all just have sex in front of a big ass window??

lesson learned: do not wear noticeable jewelry when you send nudes

i wish maude apatow had bashed bella thorne’s head in instead of just smacking her, still a girlboss move though

no because fuck mark and his friends

y’all didn’t even let her take a bag of clothes, y’all just threw her out with nothing???

you’re a fucking 30 year old man, what the fuck are you doing harassing a fucking teenager

bash his head in, lily!

“who sees a naked photo of a girl and their first thought is ‘yo, i gotta kill this bitch!’”

fuck the police!

not them stabbing marty

i think i need to watch straw dogs

y’all have too many goddamn windows

the red vinyl coats is such a statement piece

this is exactly why i don’t want to have a house with a thousand fucking windows

no because why did he ask her a question with a fucking gun in her mouth expecting her to answer?

period, nance to the fucking rescue

how the fuck did he know she was right behind that wall?

this movie is a shit show and i hate it

“the whole fucking world has lost its mind.”

what is it with joel mchale and having a knife kink?

i’m pissed, joel mchale looked so good in deliver us from evil and he’s just not hitting here

of fucking course the trumpies came for bex

i hate bathroom doors that have locks like that

there it is, joel mchale dying

the way it covered the entire window

the parallel from them walking in the beginning to them walking out guns ablazing, weapons out

blow his brains out, bitch

men getting absolutely gutted by women >>>

no because i don’t see anyone but lily reloading, somebody has a revolver, 6 bullets, and y’all ain’t reloading?

“that’s the real sickness here, righteousness and hypocrisy. it’s the simple fact you can’t live by the rules you set, yet you still pretend… all i was ever given was orders. smile. open up. cross your legs, spread your pussy. speak softer. scream louder. be quiet. be confident. be interesting. stop being so difficult. be strong. don’t fight back. be an angel. be a whore. be a princess. be anything you want to be… fuck you. i’m no longer listening.”

this is giving me liberal badasses vs trumpies

the marching band cover of we can’t stop by miley cyrus

rating: 3/5 stars

[slut4film]

061121 - flipped (2010), dir. rob reiner

plot: when juli meets bryce in the second grade, she knows it’s true love. after spending six years trying to convince bryce the same, she’s ready to give up - until he starts to reconsider.

cast: 

madeline carroll as julianna “juli” baker

callan mcauliffe as bryce loski

rebecca de mornay as patsy loski

anthony edwards as steven loski

john mahoney as chet duncan

penelope ann miller as trina baker

aidan quinn as richard baker

kevin weisman as daniel baker

genres: 

romance 

comedy 

drama 

thoughts:

this takes place in the 50s?

i think the dad was just misogynistic and sexist and didn’t believe that a girl could help them out with the “manly” heavy lifting, he probably hated that she was wearing pants

the use of povs, um yes >>

stop, bryce has a nice, straight nose

not me thinking juli was played by liana liberato

now they don’t have any shade at the bus stop

juli’s dad is really coming out with the inspirational quotes and advice

period, take a stand, let them cut you down

hatching eggs over basic boring volcano any day

poor eggs wasted

poor juli, she probably thought bryce liked her when she saw him waiting for her every time she came to bring eggs

thinking about how cheap things used to be back then, 25 cents per gallon of gas in the 50s and now we’re nearing $6 per gallon

fuck bryce’s dad

i don’t want to like shane fucking harper and whoever the fuck plays the other brother but damn, their singing got me feeling some type of way ugh, i want someone to serenade me with a 50s song

israel broussard is an asshole who doesn’t know jackshit, period.

holy shit, this was directed by the same guy who did stand by me.

uncle dan is so cute, he’s so excited for his birthday and getting a puzzle and a pinwheel and ice cream, ugh protect him at all costs

stop mark and matt got me feeling some type of way, i do not want to fall in love with spencer, the two timing pig

steven’s probably so bitter and negative because he’s balding and his hairline is ass

“that big ugly tree” go fuck yourself’

“college isn’t in your future” um, just because i hate high school doesn’t mean i don’t want to further my education

“you are such an asshole” *slap* “go to hell” yes, lynetta!! speak your truth, call him out!

yes, your dad is a coward

“beef cake parade”

hello?? is that stefanie scott?

so you’re telling me this is the middle school 60s version of the bid-a-basket marathon in gilmore girls?

i wanna know about bryce’s hobbies, what the fuck

so you’re telling me that bryce is rory, melanie is dean, and sherri is jess?

sherri’s not even that hot, she’s just blonde

not israel broussard’s voice crack

“i had flipped… completely” name drop!!

why does stefanie scott sound like she inhaled helium??

no, because i would never waste my money on a boy

not bryce planting a sycamore tree

shit, bitches out here got me crying over wanting to live a 50s high school sweethearts romance

rating: 4/5 stars

[slut4film]

061121 - jurassic world (2015), dir. colin trevorrow

plot: twenty-two years after the events of jurassic park, isla nublar now features a fully functioning dinosaur theme park, jurassic world, as originally envisioned by john hammond.

cast: 

chris pratt as owen grady

bryce dallas howard as claire dearing

vincent d’onofrio as vic hoskins

ty simpkins as gray mitchell

nick robinson as zach mitchell

omar sy as barry

bd wong as dr. henry wu

irrfan khan as simon masrani

genres: 

science fiction

action 

adventure 

thriller

thoughts:

i’m not gonna lie, the visuals are kinda getting to me

nick robinson didn’t say i love you back to his girlfriend because he’s starting to fall in love with the boy he emails every day and his name isn’t zach, it’s simon

not nick robinson looking at some girl, you better not cheat on your girlfriend

aunt claire is mad pretty

is that nick miller?

oh, look at the little piggy!!

look at them dinos, so obedient and good at catching mice, ugh!

i just don’t find chris pratt attractive

dinosaur petting zoo???

nick robinson could possibly care less about the dinosaurs

of course, the mom’s name is karen

okay but when is universal studios going to make those advancements to water world???

is this a jurassic park film or a mercedes benz commercial?

me at jurassic world: i feel the earth move under my feet

poor dude just hates that his parents are getting divorced and nick robinson’s being terrible about it “all my friends’ parents are divorced” okay and?? your brother needs love and support right now

no because i am always siding with the dinos, i don’t care if they eat all these bitches

omg they’re like in a hamster ball

nick robinson, you goddamn idiot

i was wrong, nick robinson is not in love, simon mode, simon would never do something so stupid like offroad into restricted territory

does the hamster ball go into turbo mode??

holy shit, dinosaur soccer!!

these bitches always jump into the water and survive and i could never because a hoe can’t swim

i hate when the dinos die :(

not the new dinosaur killing my fave breed of dinos ugh, why couldn’t it kill the t-rex or something

“i was in the navy, not the navajo.”

that kiss came outta nowhere

“we work together…” you’re telling me co-workers just kiss each other on the lips?

tag yourself: i’m zach and gray in the car watching chris pratt sock the fat guy

the little smile after “your boyfriend’s a badass”

“i can’t wait to tell mom”

not nick miller getting turned down by the officer from orange is the new black

too many dinosaurs are getting killed for my liking

something so cinematic about aunt claire holding the flare in front of the t-rex

yuh, that’s my bestie, blue! my fav raptor <3

rating: 4.5/5 stars

[slut4film]

061121 - heathers (1989), dir. michael lehmann | rewatch

plot: a girl who halfheartedly tries to be a part of the “in crowd” of her school meets a rebel who teaches her a more devious way to play social politics: by killing the popular kids.

cast: 

winona ryder as veronica sawyer

christian slater as jason “j.d.” dean

shannen doherty as heather duke

lisanne falk as heather mcnamara

kim walker as heather chandler

genres: 

comedy

black comedy

teen

crime 

thoughts: 

que sera, sera in the beginning

the red scrunchie is so iconic

“if you want to fuck with the eagles, you’re gonna have to learn how to fly”

christian slater is so hot in this film

“i’d spew burrito chunks”

“well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw”

why did betty finn just have those photographs casually in her purse?

no because what jd looks like at lunch is what i think i look like while i’m doing my apex in the library

“they seem to have an open door policy for assholes, though, don’t they?”

of course, jd has a bike

hawaiian shirt guy is so fucking ugly

“betty finn was a true friend and i sold her out for a bunch of swatchdogs and diet cokeheads.” me selling out my friend ground freshman year to hang out with a group of asshole basketball players and their religious, holier than thou girlfriends.

“lick it up, baby. lick it up.”

we should have known j.d. was gonna be a psychopath, all the signs were there and i looked at his pretty face with rose colored glasses

“that’s pretty sick, eh?” is this an impression of a canadian??

i just want to know how she died so fast

imagine if heather chandler survived

j.d.’s smirk when veronica points out that it’s like he’s done this before

heather duke saying “fuck it” as she throws a chicken leg is an aesthetic

winona ryder looks so skinny and pretty

who thought that it was okay to read a suicide note in class?? how did she even get the note???

i’ve been watching criminal minds and j.d. turning up the way he is makes so much sense

the prayers… wtf is this???

heather mcnamara was too pretty for ram

not them fighting some guy after a fucking funeral

the nerd gave me richie tozier vibes though

fuck ram and fuck kurt for tipping those cows, god i love cows, protect all cows

not him kissing her with dried manure shit on her face

the fact that the black guy on the paper was mr. moseby from the suite life of zack and cody/on deck… would you like am or fm????

shut yo bitchass up, courtney!

stop j.d. in the wifebeater with the flannel and jeans >>>

echt luger bullets is what i would name my band

veronica’s outfit when she’s in the woods with ram and kurt is so pretty

“so should i just whip it out… or??”

“i love my dead gay son.”

the teenage suicide song was no bueno

*falls asleep through what i think is the boring half of the film*

winona ryder fake hanging would have had me on my knees bawling if i was her mother

winona ryder casually walking out in smoke is so fucking iconic wowee

rating: 4/5 stars

[slut4film]

061121 - midsommar (2019), dir. ari aster

plot: several friends travel to sweden to study as anthropologists a summer festival that is held every ninety years in the remote hometown of one of them. what begins as a dream vacation in a place where the sun never sets, gradually turns into a dark nightmare as the mysterious inhabitants invite them to participate in their disturbing festive activities.

cast:

florence pugh as dani ardor

jack reynor as christian hughes

william jackson harper as josh

vilhelm blomgren as pelle

ellora torchia as connie

archie madekwe as simon

will poulter as mark

genres: 

horror

folk horror

drama 

mystery 

thoughts:

okay, starting off with aesthetic music

the drastic change from enya-esque music to the phone ringing

i love when people have androids or older versions of iphones in film

dani ardor sounds a lot like ari aster to me

florence pugh might be incredibly depressed in this but she’s still incredibly beautiful

bro i get mad paranoid too when my mom or my dad or my sister don’t text fast enough, my overthinking ass be thinking that they’ve gotten into an accident or gotten kidnapped or some shit

ayo, it’s gally, it’s my boy will poulter!!

okay i have never in my life found will poulter attractive but he’s looking kinda good in this

is she giving birth or something wtf

that shot of dani’s mom getting zipped into the body bag was actually sickening

why would you ever choose carbon monoxide poisoning as the way to go??

florence pugh’s wailing in the background speakers as christian walks in the snow adds even more to the pain and sorrow she’s feeling

okay but why are their voices so quiet and the music so goddamn loud??

the vibes of florence pugh and her apartment are kinda giving me uncarley from youtube but not funny

you see ever since i heard about this film, sweden has given me off vibes but on the other hand, i also think of swedish meatballs and ikea

yeah, never mind, i don’t care how much this film is going to affect my perception of sweden, i’ll still go for the swedish meatballs and to see oskar lindblom and/or his hometown

“in stockholm, are there any meatball sex clubs we can hit up?”

the use of mirrors in these shots instead of going back and forth between actors is such a cinematic take

ari aster thought about their majors and connected them so well, christian being an anthropology major and wanting to go to sweden for his thesis, dani being a psychology major most likely to learn more about her sister and how to help others with mental illness

i just want to know why their bathroom looks like an airport bathroom

oh shit, transitions!! that’s why it looked like an airport bathroom

will poulter is way hotter than christian

will poulter trippin on acid is something i never knew i needed

i expected something to pop out of the mirror, not florence pugh popping out of the darkness and into the light

i love how the lighting is so bright and spring like, putting me under the impression that the horror element won’t necessarily be based off jump scares but off true horror

do you think jonas pate got the idea for midsummers in obx from midsommar?? or has midsummer/midsommar always been a thing and i’m just uneducated?? have flower crowns always been a part of midsummer/midsommar?? i think i’m just uneducated

pelle giving dani a drawing for her birthday and her own boyfriend doesn’t even remember, stan pelle

i love how the lil swedish children are just casually watching austin powers

one of the swedes looks like brock nelson, i swear

her face being absolutely demolished after she jumped was kinda aesthetic

his fall was so lame what the heck

not my father sitting in halfway through and getting pissed at will poulter pissing and then proceeding to go on a rant on why americans are stupid and arrogant

will poulter is dying a little too early for my liking

he really had flash on despite the big ass spotlight

y’all really killed will poulter and the black guy but not florence pugh’s asshole boyfriend??

just a ladle of drink?? i would be parched

how is florence pugh getting all these dance steps so effortlessly??

*insert jazz hands*

"we don't need words to talk. it's dancing!" i agree with that statement

wait why did pelle kiss her???

the may queen crown is so pretty

titties!

i did not want to see christian's peen

fucking on a flower bed might just be my new favorite aesthetic

not them turning her moans into an acapella cover

now who the fuck is the bitch who looks like sia did the kylie jenner lip challenge?

that is how i expect group therapy to look like

did taylor swift base her 2021 grammy's outfit on florence pugh in flower structure?

hold the fuck up… taxidermy?

dani choosing christian to be the last sacrifice is such a girlboss move

i just know that bear smells like ass

that shot of everyone burning >>

florence pugh in the flower dress moving around like a fucking snail

rating: 4/5 stars

[slut4film]

060921 - chef (2014), dir. jon favreau

plot: when chef carl casper suddenly quits his job at a prominent los angeles restaurant after refusing to compromise his creative integrity for its controlling owner, he is left to figure out what’s next. finding himself in miami, he teams up with his ex-wife, his friend and his son to launch a food truck. taking to the road, chef carl goes back to his roots to reignite his passion for the kitchen - and zest for life and love.

actors:

jon favreau as carl casper

sofia vergara as inez

john leguizamo as martin

scarlett johansson as molly

dustin hoffman as riva

oliver platt as ramsey michel

bobby cannavale as tony

amy sedaris as jen

emjay anthony as percy casper

robert downey jr. as marvin

genres:

comedy 

drama 

thoughts:

there’s just something so cinematic about cooking, it doesn’t matter if it’s caught on film or seen in person, the sounds, the chops, the sizzles, everything about cooking is cinematic, aesthetic, climactic, a true art form.

the way jon favreau went from full chef uniform to looking like luke danes

food trucks are so cool though like they give me rv/mobile home vibes or maybe that’s just my perception of a food truck after watching that one episode of bob’s burgers when they enlisted in a food truck competition and wrote terrible things about the other food trucks and there was some chick singing and grinding on a piano chair.

“kettle corn is carbs covered with sugar, okay?” yes, which is exactly why i want it in my belly.

beignets are so good ugh, thinking about the time i had them at disneyland pre-covid and i miss it.

“if i find out who it is, grab your ankles, because here comes papi chulo”

like i said cooking is an art form and if you can’t go outside the box, you won’t go anywhere as a chef

god, scarlett johansson is gorgeous

needy aunt who gives $5 every time she sees you? yeah, my aunt gives me $50.

i understand that you’re a food critic but you do not have to attack the chef’s weight.

thinking about the time my mom left me waiting for her at school for 3 hours and i cried my ass off

poor guy just wants to spend time with his dad.

i heard i like it and thought how did this cardi b song get in a 2014 film until i realized that she sampled it.

“fuck twitter!” me everytime i go on twitter and see grown men slandering mathew barzal.

no because how does he make his grilled cheese so nice and crisp and golden and even?

those hash browns look so good

am i supposed to be on jon favreau’s side?? because he’s kinda being douchey but at the same time fuck riva

why do small men always have the most to say?

fuck riva, you 5’6 motherfucker

“it’s fucking molten, you asshole!”

“you smugly just fucking shit on my shit”

“you just make shit up? my shit was molten! it’s fucking molten! asshole!”

why’d she say footage like that? she said “foo-tij” instead of “fuh-tage”

poor kid just wants to be with his dad but he’s obviously so heartbroken about it and ugh i relate.

“i’m a pussy, basically”

did he just say “hoy” instead of “oy”?

it’s iron man!!

why the fuck would you name a character martin and another marvin?

i wouldn’t clean the rotting shit from the pan either, dude

john leguizamo dancing got me feeling some type of way

“you’re the shit baby, you’re the shit”

yes, i said cooking was an art form but i forgot how fucking hectic the process was

even the kid’s got a lil chef uniform ugh what a cutie

not tosh.0

“i’m posting a vine” rip vine, i miss you everyday

hold up, men seriously put cornstarch on their balls??

"i want your big platano!"

"dad bought me a knife!"

i love that they said "one second every day" but it was really "one second clips compilation"

rating: 4/5 stars