#back to smoothies etc i guess

[roseandbee]

...

[icewindandboringhorror]

misc. daily life photos again .. for the every once in a while that I collect enough over a few months to actually make a photo set out of them lol

[blog-o-meter]

Pump It Up - Nicholas Alexander Chavez x fem!reader

summary: Rained in, (Y/N) decides to workout at home while Nicholas reads a script in the kitchen. Halfway through, though, she realizes that he wasn’t really reading anymore.

warnings: 18+, caught masturbating, needy!nicholas, established relationship, dom/sub undertones, voyeurism, exhibitionism, denial

required listening: n/a

word count: 4,123

a/n: here’s a quick little fic <3 im sorry my word counts are so long compared to others’ — my brain literally won’t let me write unless I drag scenes out to make them seem more realistic/plausible in my head, if that makes sense LOL

reblogs, likes, and replies are greatly appreciated and let me know if you’d like to see more!

The rain outside was relentless, its constant drum against the window and the occasional rumble of thunder enough to convince me to not leave the house. I’d driven through too many rain storms in this neighborhood to know that risking getting my car flooded from driving through the backed up water at the end of the road was not worth it. That’s horrible infrastructure for you.

I had plans of hitting the gym, maybe even treating myself to a little smoothie that I had been looking forward to all day. Just thinking about the tartness of a berry smoothie after a grueling workout was enough to make my mouth water, but it looked like the rain wasn’t going to let up. The worst part was I had already gotten dressed, and I had so much pent up energy ready to be exerted.

That’s when I thought — why not just do my workout here? The living room was spacious enough, and as long as I had my music, I think I could manage. Sure, I wouldn’t have access to any of the fancy machinery, but I could still do some sets without anything extra — planks, sit-ups, Russian twists, leg raises, etc.

Determined to use up my energy, I grabbed my phone and earbuds and walked out of the bedroom, making my way over to the open-concept living room to find Nicholas perched on the kitchen counter, his back to me. He had been tirelessly looking over a potential script his agent had given him earlier — writing notes, highlighting pieces of dialogue, the like.

I set down my things on the coffee table before coming up behind him, running my hand up his back and settling it on his shoulder, giving him a little massage as I looked over the booklet open in front of him. He let out a sigh, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me close.

“Nic, is it ok if I work out here?” I asked while I brushed away the single strand of hair flopped over his forehead.

“Yeah, of course,” he nodded his head.

I turned my attention to the script, bending over the counter a bit to reach for it. The half-scribbled nonsense caught my eye. I could barely make out any of the words he had written, but I guess the only person that had to understand it was Nicholas — and the guy knows his shit.

“Are you sure it won’t bother you while you’re looking over your script?” I asked as I flipped through the script casually.

Nicholas chuckled, leaning back slightly on the stool. His arm stayed wrapped around my waist, his thumb brushing idly against my side. “Don’t worry; I’ll tune it out.”

I smiled, thankful for his understanding. I planted a quick kiss on his temple, running my fingers through the back of his hair. “I’ll try to keep it quiet,” I said as I pulled away from his grasp and walked toward the open space between the coffee table and the tv in the living room.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a yoga mat, so the laminate floor would have to do, whether I liked it or not. Maybe I’d get used to the stiff floor the more my workout progressed, and I would have already done my exercise for the day by then. Note to self: buy a yoga mat.

I grabbed my earbuds, deciding to only put one in just in case Nicholas told me to keep it down, and reached for my phone to press play on my workout playlist, which consisted of EBM and Acid House — no lyrics for maximum concentration. Plus, it helped me keep a steady rhythm.

I began with a series of deep stretches, my arms reaching high above my head before I bent forward, letting my fingertips brush the floor. A quiet groan escaped my lips as I felt the soreness from yesterday’s workout still lingering.

The music pumped softly in one ear, the beat steady and hypnotic as I transitioned through my warm-up. I shifted into a runner’s lunge, my knee grazing the cold laminate as I leaned into the stretch. A soft sigh slipped out, my muscles pulling deliciously.

Rolling up slowly, I shook out my legs and moved into a few standing side bends, my hands clasped over my head. My breathing grew deeper, the ache in my sides fading as I worked through it. A low hum escaped me as I twisted my torso, relishing the sensation of each vertebra popping gently back into alignment.

I stood straight then, shaking my arms as I prepared to start the real workout. “Okay,” I muttered to myself.

I dropped to the floor for my first set of planks, planting my hands firmly and aligning my body. The strain hit almost immediately, my core engaging as I held the position. My breathing grew audible, sharp exhales through pursed lips as I counted the seconds.

“One… two… three…” My voice was quiet but breathy, each number punctuated by a soft grunt.

The timer on my phone ticked down, and when I reached thirty seconds, I pushed myself into a series of shoulder taps. My palm slapped the floor softly with each shift of weight, my breaths turning into little gasps as the effort increased.

“Almost there,” I whispered to myself, my tone more encouraging than determined.

When I finally finished the set, I rolled onto my back, chest heaving and gasping while the music in my ear pulsed. I clocked Nicholas shift in the stool then, but I didn’t think much of it. He had been sitting there a few hours now; his back must’ve been stinging.

Next up were leg raises. Lying flat on my back, I slid my hands beneath my lower back for support and lifted my legs until they were perpendicular to the floor. Lowering them slowly, I felt the familiar burn in my lower abs. Those were killer.

“God,” I groaned softly, squeezing my eyes shut as I held the hover position just above the floor.

My voice came out in broken exhales as I finished the set, letting my legs drop to the floor with a thud. My head tilted back, and I let out an exaggerated sigh, the exertion starting to creep up on me.

After a moment of rest, I rolled back onto my knees and pushed myself into a standing position. I moved into a series of squats, setting my feet shoulder-width apart and sinking low with each rep. The burn in my thighs was immediate, but I leaned into it, pushing deeper with every squat.

“One… two…” My voice grew louder, the numbers mingled with quiet grunts as I tried to keep my form steady.

By the time I reached 20, a soft whimper escaped me. I straightened, pausing to catch my breath before diving into the second set. Midway through, I let out a particularly loud groan, the sound filling the quiet room. I glanced over my shoulder toward the kitchen, half-expecting Nicholas to say something, but he remained silent, his back still turned.

He shifted in the stool again then. I noticed it this time — the way Nicholas’s arm moved. It wasn’t just a casual shift in his posture or an adjustment of his script. His elbow dipped, his shoulder tensed, and there was a sort of rhythm to it.

I thought it weird, but I pushed through the rest of my squats, continuing my quiet counting. But from the corner of my eye I could see him continuing to move his arm ever so slightly, like he didn’t want me to see. And of course, curiosity got the best of me.

When I finished the set, I let out an audible sigh to signal that I had finished my squats. His back was still to me, and I could see past the outline of his other arm on the counter that the script was still open in front of him, but his movements were stiff.

I strolled toward the kitchen under the guise of grabbing something to drink, letting my footsteps fall heavy against the floor to make noise. As I neared, I noticed the faint tremor in his shoulders as he turned the slightest bit away from me as I rounded the counter and made my way toward the fridge, opening the door casually.

I pulled out one of the cold-pressed juices Nicholas liked to keep stocked to indulge in after coming home from the gym and closed the door. I turned around on my heels, glancing over to him. His jaw was clenched, and he didn’t flick his eyes up once to glance up at me. I also noticed his left arm was under the counter while his right arm was propping up his chin, his pointer finger curled against his lips.

“Hey, Nic,” I said, my voice light as I twisted the cap off the juice bottle with a crisp crack. “Is my workout bothering you?”

He stiffened, his body locking up as if I’d just caught him in the middle of something incriminating. “No,” he said quickly, his voice unusually tight. “It’s fine. Keep going.”

I raised an eyebrow, taking a long sip of the juice as I watched him. He still wasn’t looking at me, his focus seemingly glued to the script in front of him, but he didn’t even have a pencil in his hand anymore, the pencil laying flat some inches away as if forgotten.

“Are you sure?” I asked, the tiniest bit amused at his behavior.

“It’s fine,” he replied a little too fast, his voice clipped. He shifted on the stool, his left arm pulling slightly closer to his body.

I lingered for a moment longer, watching the subtle tremor in his shoulders and the way his right hand moved to grip the edge of the counter. It was obvious he didn’t want me to see what he was doing.

“Alright,” I said with a shrug, “Let me know if I’m being too loud.”

I rounded the counter again, noticing from the corner of my eye Nicholas shifting his body away from me another time as I passed by to make my way back to the living room.

I didn’t sit down right away, instead taking my time to stretch dramatically, letting out a long exhale as I reached for my toes, glancing periodically over to Nicholas. Now that he had shifted from his previous position, I could catch his reflection from the framed artwork hung on the wall perpendicular to him, and it gave me a full view of what he was doing.

Nicholas’s left arm was indeed beneath the counter, moving with a slow, deliberate rhythm that told me everything I needed to know.

He was helping himself.

His head was tilted slightly forward as if he were trying to focus on the script, his jaw tight, and his eyes were closed — completely lost in the moment. His right hand gripped the edge of the counter, his knuckles white, as though grounding himself in reality, and he was being very mindful of keeping his noises to himself.

I froze mid-stretch, my fingertips grazing my toes as I processed what I was seeing. Heat rushed to my face and neck, a mix of shock and complete amusement. He had no idea I could see him — no idea that his every movement was perfectly reflected in the glossy surface of the artwork.

The realization sent a jolt of excitement through me. The idea of Nicholas pleasuring himself while listening to me grunt and huff was like a spark to my flame, and I intended to add more fuel.

Straightening from my stretch, I took a moment to steady my breathing and hide the growing smirk tugging at the corners of my mouth. If Nicholas wanted to keep up his little secret act, I’d give him something to really work with.

Dropping back down to the floor, I positioned myself for a new set of planks, but this time, I exaggerated every movement, letting my body shift slowly as I adjusted my form. “Alright,” I muttered, just loud enough to carry over the sound of the rain outside.

As I held the plank, I let out a low groan, my voice breathy and drawn out. “God, that felt so good,” I said, my words broken by strained exhales.

From the corner of my eye, I could see his reflection in the artwork. Nicholas’s hand paused for the briefest moment before resuming its rhythm, a little quicker this time. His shoulders hunched slightly, his body shifting as if he were trying to control himself.

Biting back a grin, I moved into shoulder taps, each motion accompanied by a soft grunt. “One… two… three…” I counted aloud, my voice deliberately low and husky.

Nicholas’s head dipped lower, his jaw clenching tighter as his hand moved beneath the counter.

“Is my counting bothering you, Nic?” I called out between breaths, my tone innocent but teasing as I watched him through the reflection.

His head snapped up, and for a second, I thought he might stop altogether. But he quickly recovered, clearing his throat before replying, “No, I’m fine. Keep going.” His voice was rough, strained, and completely unconvincing.

I tilted my head, feigning innocence. “You sure?”

His jaw tightened, and he dropped his head back down, his eyes fluttering shut as he continued to stroke himself. “I’m sure,” he muttered. “Just… focus on your workout.”

“Ok,” I replied lightly, smiling to myself and dropping my hips to the floor as I transitioned into a set of cobra stretches. My back arched as I pushed up onto my hands, letting out a loud groan as I tilted my head back.

Nicholas’s breathing hitched audibly, and I couldn’t resist glancing at his reflection again. His movements had picked up just the tiniest bit of speed, as if he were afraid going any faster might have me catch on. His other hand, though, gripped the counter so tightly I thought it might leave marks.

Pushing back onto my knees, I transitioned into a child’s pose, my arms reaching out in front of me as I let my hips sink low, making sure I let out a soft moan. I tilted my head just enough to glance at the reflection, catching the way Nicholas’s head dipped even lower, his movements more frantic now.

My lips curled into a smirk as I pulled myself up from the floor and removed my earbud, tossing it onto the couch so it could land without making a sound. Keeping my steps light so as to not warn him, I slowly made my way over to Nicholas, inching my way closer and closer.

When I was close enough to feel the heat radiating from him, I paused, watching as Nicholas continued, completely unaware of my presence. His head was still bowed, his breathing shallow and uneven, his left hand continuing to stroke himself under the counter. I bit my lip, the smirk on my face growing as I leaned forward, positioning myself just behind him.

I stayed there for a moment, hovering, my own breath steady and quiet, while he was too lost in his own world to notice. Then, as quietly as possible, I leaned in until my lips were just inches from his ear, waiting a few beats before letting out a soft moan.

Nicholas froze, his entire body locking up as his hand stopped mid-motion. His head snapped up, his eyes wide with shock, and I could see the flush spreading rapidly up his neck and cheeks. He started to pull his hand away, stammering something incoherent, but I was faster.

I reached down, my hand sliding beneath the counter to replace his. His sharp inhale echoed in the quiet room, and I could feel the tension in his body as I wrapped my fingers around his hard length.

“Don’t stop on my account,” I murmured, my lips brushing against his ear as I began to move my hand in slow, deliberate strokes. With my free hand, I brushed my fingers through Nicholas’s hair, clutching it in a fist and lightly pulling his head back toward me.

Nicholas’s head fell back against my shoulder, letting out a low, guttural sound as his mouth fell open and his chest rose and fell with labored breaths. His hand, now free, gripped the edge of the counter again, his knuckles whitening as he held on for dear life.

“Did the sounds I was making turn you on, huh?” I teased, my voice a soft purr in his ear as my hand continued its slow, torturous rhythm.

Nicholas groaned in response, his voice ragged and desperate. “Mm-hmm,” he muttered, nodding as his breathing grew heavier. His free hand slid up to cover his face, his embarrassment palpable even as his body betrayed his need. But I made sure to pull his hand away, wanting to see his beautiful face.

“Don’t hide from me,” I whispered, tightening my grip on his wrist to keep his hand away from his face. “You wanted me to catch you, didn’t you? Isn’t this what you wanted?” I teased, increasing the pressure of my hand just enough to make him gasp.

Nicholas let out a shaky breath as his body gave into my touch. His chest rose and fell erratically, and he whimpered softly at the teasing in my voice.

“Yes,” he finally admitted, his voice barely a whisper. His hips bucked slightly into my hand, and he let out a needy moan, his restraint crumbling. “Please… don’t stop,” he begged, his voice trembling.

Nicholas’s desperation was intoxicating, and I couldn’t help but savor the way he melted under my touch. His vulnerability was rare, and seeing him this undone because of me was exhilarating. I let out a quiet moan into his ear, mimicking the sounds I was making while working out.

“Such a good boy,” I murmured against his ear, letting my lips brush against the shell of it. My hand continued its slow, steady rhythm, deliberately teasing him. His hips jerked, seeking more friction, but I tightened my grip slightly, controlling the pace.

“Please,” he whispered again, his voice cracking with need. “I need…”

I chuckled softly, my breath warm against his skin. “Need more…?” I asked, my tone dripping with playful cruelty.

Nicholas whimpered, his hand clutching at the counter like it was the only thing keeping him grounded. “More of you,” he admitted, his voice breaking. “Please… I can’t… I need you.”

His admission sent a shiver down my spine. I kissed the sensitive spot just below his ear, drawing a shaky breath from him. “You sound so pretty when you beg,” I whispered, my hand picking up its pace ever so slightly.

His entire body shuddered, and he turned his head to try to capture my lips with his own, but I pulled back just enough to keep him from reaching me. “Uh-uh, you’ve been bad, Nic,” I teased, my voice a low purr.

Nicholas let out a frustrated groan, his head dropping back against my shoulder again. His chest rose and fell with each shallow breath, his desperation spilling over in the way his fingers gripped the counter.

“Please,” he murmured, his voice trembling and raw. “Please, I’ll be good. I just… I need you.”

I smirked, savoring the way he unraveled beneath me. “Oh, I know you’ll be good,” I replied, my voice laced with mock sweetness. My hand slowed its pace just slightly, enough to make him whimper in protest, his hips shifting to chase the friction. “Tell me how much you want it,” I demanded, tightening my grip ever so slightly. “I want to hear it, Nic.”

He let out a shaky breath, his head tilting back to rest on my shoulder as he turned to look at me, his eyes glassy and pleading. “I need you so fucking bad,” he admitted, his voice rough with vulnerability.

His words sent a jolt of satisfaction through me. I leaned down, pressing a slow, deliberate kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Good,” I murmured, pulling back just enough to see the way his lips parted, his eyes closing briefly as if savoring the moment.

“You’re so perfect like this,” I said softly, my free hand sliding up to brush through his hair again, tugging gently at the strands. “So needy. So honest.”

Nicholas let out a low moan, his body trembling under my touch. “I’ll do anything,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “Anything you want. Just don’t stop.”

I chuckled, the sound low and teasing as I tilted his head back further, exposing the vulnerable line of his throat. “You’re mine,” I murmured, pressing my lips against his skin, my hand resuming its deliberate pace. “Aren’t you?”

“Yes,” he breathed, his voice cracking under the weight of his need. “All yours.”

Hearing those words fall from his lips made my heart race. I pressed a kiss just below his ear, my teeth grazing the sensitive skin. “Good boy,” I whispered, my tone both soft and commanding.

Nicholas let out a ragged moan, his body arching into the back of the stool as he surrendered completely to me. Every sound, every movement he made was for me, and I relished every second of it.

“I—” His voice cracked, his body trembling as he struggled to form coherent thoughts. “I need… I need to—please, just let me…”

I chuckled softly, tightening my grip for a moment to make him gasp. “You’re going to make a mess, aren’t you?” I teased, brushing my lips against his ear.

Nicholas let out a broken moan, his head falling back against my shoulder. “Yes,” he admitted, his voice trembling with need. “I can’t—please, I can’t hold it…”

I smirked, my hand picking up its pace just enough to push him closer to the edge. “Go ahead,” I whispered, my voice a low purr.

His entire body tensed, his hips jerking against my hand as he let out a strangled moan. His eyes squeezed shut, his breath hitching as he finally gave in. The tension in his body snapped, and a low, guttural sound escaped him as he spilled over, the warm evidence of his release landing on the script spread out on the counter.

For a moment, the only sound in the room was the steady rhythm of the rain against the windows and Nicholas’s ragged breathing as he slumped backward, his head resting against my shoulder as his lips parted.

I pressed a gentle kiss to his temple, letting my hand linger on his waist as my other hand reached to brush my fingertip against the white ropes that landed all over the counter. I held his gaze as I brought my fingertip to my lips, letting the taste linger on my tongue. A slow, deliberate smile spread across my face as I tilted my head slightly, savoring both the flavor and the effect it had on Nicholas.

Quickly brushing my fingers through his hair, I softly asked, “How about you clean up your mess while I finish my workout, hmm?”

Nicholas let out a weak laugh, his cheeks still flushed as he tilted his head to look at me. “You really know how to humble a man,” he murmured, his voice hoarse but laced with affection.

I leaned down, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, tasting the lingering warmth of his breath. “And you really know how to make a workout interesting,” I teased, pulling back.

Nicholas groaned softly, running a hand through his tousled hair as he sat up straighter on the stool. “I’ll clean it up,” he muttered, reaching for a nearby paper towel with a sheepish grin.

Nicholas moved with a quiet efficiency, his usual confidence tinged with an endearing embarrassment. As I settled back into my workout, I couldn’t help but steal glances at him from the corner of my eye. His shoulders were still a little tense, his cheeks still faintly pink as he wiped the counter clean with meticulous care. He avoided looking at me directly, though I could see the hint of a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

When he finally finished cleaning up, Nicholas tossed the used paper towel into the trash with a dramatic sigh of relief. Turning to lean against the counter, he folded his arms over his chest, his eyes locking onto me with a playful intensity. “You know I’m going to get you back for this, right?”

As I settled into my next stretch, I smirked up at him, “I hope you do.”

[appleblueberry-pie]

Yan yuuta as a dad🤧🤨?

Despite his seemingly never-ending knowledge on parenting and how to balance his regular life with his life at home, he continuously looks to you for a second-opinion or any sort of advice/leadership when he's not 100% certain on what he's supposed to do.

I guess there would be a certain dynamic going on. You two would switch between being the one doing the chores and school pick-up/drop off with being the one that busies yourself with the children(homework, entertainment, giving them showers, etc).

Yuuta usually gets the kids to listen, but when they really want to put up an attitude and he can't reach to a middle-ground with them, he's looking to you for guidance.

I think he would actually teach the kids basic fighting skills to defend themselves if they ever get into a fight or bullying situation. The only thing he doesn't like about this is he decided to hide it from you, not knowing how you'd feel about certain defense mechanisms. You'd probably be relieved, but he just doesn't want that to constantly be on the back of your mind every time the kids leave for school.

Despite the parent dynamic, he's always the one that gets the groceries. You always make the list and give him direct instructions on what to get and he does as you say every time. There were only a few times he messed up, and despite him acting like it was the end of the world, you always forgave him. It's usually something small like a certain fruit.

He is also the one who usually drives the car. If the whole family is going out, he's the designated driver. The only time you'd take over is if your patience runs out, and no one can argue with you then. He just hands you the keys and lets you silently drive them home.

He's the ice cream dad, you're the smoothie mom.

When the kids are at school and you two are finally alone, he never ever can get what he wants from you until he finishes all possible duties needed to be done around the house. It's probably the quickest you've ever seen him finish any kind of responsibility.

Has his hand on the small on your back every time the two of you go out.

Ever since you two got married and had kids together, you don't let him approach people who hit on you the way he used to.

He used to have an incredible mean mug and would borderline threaten them.

But the move he pulls now is that when you and the sleaze are talking(or you're just barely bearing the company) is he lets the kids run up to you and crowd you. And then he lets the guy's face change before he walks up to you from behind him so he can step back and give all of you space to see what he was trying to fuck up.

They usually scoff or apologize or something stupid like that before walking off.

Even when Yuuta has a long and hard work day, gives the kids dinner, puts them to bed and winds down for the night, he still finds the energy in himself to be able to take care of you. You are his beacon of light and probably one of his only remaining reasons to keep going.

Everything about his life, he admits, sucks outside of his family. And the only reason he can live this luxury he was provided is because you gave him chance you really didn't have to give. And he will forever be grateful for the things you given him and can't repay you for your sacrifices in no other way but his own life.

You are everything he's ever hoped for and if it means giving you the comfort you deserve every single night until he can't no more, then that's exactly what he will do.

[arckat]

Coping with BPD splitting while regressed ⋆୨୧˚

Something I've been wanting to figure out for myself is how to deal with splitting while regressed. Big reactions and emotions can be too much sometimes, and I want to try and find ways to help myself with that

Here's some ideas I had of what to do to help myself with this: (That you might find helpful too!)

Things littles can do:

☆ Run a cold or freezing bath for yourself— This can shock the nervous system and help your brain focus on the temperature instead

☆ Journal about the situation— Write about what's going on. (Ex. What triggered the split, how you feel, what you want to say, what you think you'll do) Even if you don't have a journal, grab a piece of paper or open the notes app

☆ Drawing/Coloring— This can help focus your mind on something else. The action itself, the thing you're drawing, the colors, the feeling/texture of drawing. An extra thing to do with this activity is assign negative emotions/actions/etc to your colors, and when you color or draw with those colors, that's letting out those negative things

☆ Get your feelings and emotions out through play— Get some stuffed animals, toys, whatever you perfer, and play out how you feel. Or play out how the split would go and what you would say through your toys (Extra: Then after you could make the characters apologize about it)

☆ Talk and practice— Get a toy or something you find comfort in (Or a person you trust, assuming they didn't trigger the split) and talk to them about how you feel, imagine what they would say. Practice what you would say to the person who triggered you, or figure out what you would do from there

☆ Singing/Humming— You can sing or hum with or without music. Either way, it's a good way to focus on something else. If it's a song you don't remember the lyrics of, that can help your brain focus on trying to guess or remember

☆ Talking to yourself— Get your emotions out by talking to yourself as you do other things. It's a good way to feel smaller in general, but it's also very helpful to get emotions out that way. Even if it's just nonsensical babbling or noises. Maybe even repeat positive affirmations

☆ Communicate your needs— If you need time, ask to distance yourself (if you're talking to someone). Just the same as if you need help, you're allowed to ask for it. Talk about how you feel if you can. Set boundaries for the period that you split. Communicate in other ways (drawing, writing, pointing). Now that's all easier said than done, but it's never impossible

☆ Eat some sour candies (+alternatives)— Helps your brain focus on the sourness of the candy instead of big feelings (Just be careful not to get a stomachache) If you don't like sour things, maybe try spicy food! If you don't like spicy food, try salty food. Some other alternatives to this are pop rocks (focus on the pops), soda (focus on the fizz), ice cream and smoothies/milkshakes (focus on the chill)

☆ Stress/chew toys— Stress balls, slime, pacis, chew toys, chewlery, etc, are all good options to take your emotions out on

☆ Go outside— Take a walk, go to the park, play in your backyard, eat at your favorite food place. Just make sure you take someone with you if needed. A backyard or empty park can be really calming, maybe bring some toys or activities you like with you

☆ Contact a trusted person— If you have someone aware of your splits and they know some ways to help, try to contact them. Just make sure it's okay with them to talk about it

☆ Take a break from regressing— Now regression is different for everyone. But for some, it's not good to be regressed while splitting. Making it harder, scarier, or more confusing to deal with. If you need to take a step back from regressing for a moment, than you should

Things caregivers can do:

☆ Offer space— If you notice any signs of a potential split, ask them if they need some space. Make sure to be considerate in the way you ask this and how it's worded. If they would like space, you could ask if they need anything before they take some time to themselves (Ex. Favorite toy/stuffed animal, water, a snack, put a show or music on)

☆ Encourage actions listed above— See some of the mechanisms listed for littles to do, and ask your little if any of those sound like they can be of help to them

☆ Ask if theres anything you can do— Ask questions! It's good to ask if theres anything specific that works for people in times like this. And if your little doesn't know/doesn't remember, maybe offer to help them find some things that help

☆ And if you as a caregiver is splitting— Remember not to be hard on yourself during this time, and make sure to ask for space or support if you need it. It's okay to take time from your little if needed, it will keep you both safe and happy. I don't have much more on this because I'm not a caregiver. BUT if anyone wants me to make a list like this on how caregivers can deal with splits, I'd love to do that in the future E:)

And remember that no matter role you take in this situation, your feelings are valid. You're allowed to want space from people or situations, and you're allowed to help yourself and recieve help.

Let me know if anyone wants a version of this that is tailored to caregivers splitting (And I'll provide advice for littles in that too if I can think of any!!)

Sorry if any of this was worded bad.. a little tired right now

[beanghostprincess]

ShuggyUta family is so cute and funny bc like.

One one hand - AAAA CUTE Uta one day having the EPIPHANY that half of her hair is WHITE, and HAIR DYE EXISTS so she hunts down the closest blue to Buggy's hair. She dyes it in the middle of the night, and either comes out next morning completely casual OR bursts out like "DAD, PAPA, LOOK NOW I HAVE BOTH OF YOU WITH ME :DD"

They both implode immediately ((and Buggy gives her the "The sentiment is so sweet baby, but remember you never ever have to change your appearance to be worthy of love. If you want to, want it for yourself, okay? We love you no matter what" talk))

Then there's also the shenanigans.

Buggy: .... whatchya got there?

Shanks and Uta, both holding one of Luffy's hands, holding cups in the other: ........ smoothies?

<><><><><>

Buggy: Shanks so help me, I TOLD YOU not to get another kid-

Shanks: whaaaaaat? Hahaha, no Bugaboo. You told me very specifically I am not to adopt another child :))

Buggy: so why are there two new children in the kitchen

Luffy: I adopted them!

Uta: we have big brothers now!

Shanks:

Buggy:

Shanks: you told me not to adopt anyone. You didn't tell Lu or Uta.

Buggy: alright. That one's on me.

<><><><><>

Rayleigh, surprise visiting his kids: hello my children, I have swam across the Grandline- is that a kid?

Buggy, Uta on one hip, Sabo on his shoulders, Luffy on his back and Ace clinging to his leg and glaring death at Ray: four, actually.

Ray:

Buggy:

Ray: I'm a grandpa? And you didn't TELL ME??

<><><><><>

Shanks: happy mothers day, Bug!

Buggy: i'm... not a woman?

Shanks: maybe not but you ARE a botto-

Buggy: punches him I'm keeping the roses and chocolates

<><><><><>

Buggy and Shanks teaching them the pirates code, weapons, Haki, sailing, navigation, etc.

Shanks has a moment of "is it really okay to have them on the ship? We were in danger, Bug, it hurt us, what if we're hurting THEM-??"

Buggy smacks him. "We're learning from our dads' mistakes, Red. It's not perfect. We're not perfect. We just need to be the best we can and always put them first. We need to communicate. If we leave them, we can't protect them. If we leave, they'll be on their own. This is the lesser evil. We need to have their security as our priority. We're pirates, but we're parents, too. We can not commit to one over the other, but we can't let it hurt our babies. They're ours now. We are NOT leaving them behind."

<><><><><>

Ace gets a crash course in his history. It's rocky at first, but it's only bc he asks Buggy and Shanks ((separately, mind you)) about "if Gold Roger Had A Kid".

Buggy responds with a snort. "I mean, he kinda had two? But if we had another, then word, I guess? I'd be a little annoyed."

"Bc of his blood?"

"What? No. I'd be pissed that Captain didn't tell me. Asshole move, that. Why do you ask, freckles?"

Shanks, meanwhile, just shrugs. "Ya know how they say blood is thicker than water?"

"... yeah?"

"Yeah, it's bullshit. I wouldn't really care. If Captain had a kid, that's just not my business. I bled with him, for him, and he did for me. I think of him as my father, so I guess that would be sort of like... a little sibling, maybe? But it'd be up to the kid. Your blood doesn't define you, Ace. That's a lesson all good pirates know."

"......... mm."

<><><><><>

Sabo, no warning, in the middle of dinner: I'm a runaway noble.

Shanks: oh neat.

Buggy: oh? Which family? Want me to rob them for you?

Sabo: you aren't mad???

Uta, shrugging: it doesn't matter. You're still a feral jungle brat. Besides, if anyone in the family passes as a fancy pants noble, it's me!

Buggy: 🤨

Uta: ... and mama Bug. I guess.

Luffy: I don't care. Sabo is Sabo.

Ace: yeah, what he said.

Buggy: I will still rob them though.

<><><><><>

That's all I got rn baaaaiiii

Help these are all great 😭 You made my day with this <3

They just keep adopting kids and expanding the family. When they grow up, they get their partners and Zoro, Yamato, Koala, and Perona are there 24/7 because these kids cannot have a normal relationship that isn't based on codependency and both Shanks and Buggy have to deal with four more people around.

Ace telling them he is Roger's child and Sabo telling them he is a noble??? That kills me. They'd be so supportive and protective of them, too. It kills me.

Also, Buggy would ADORE these kids. Rayleigh comes over and sees the whole thing and Shanks thinks he's going to be angry because they didn't tell him but the man is just amazed they managed to have a family of their own without fucking up. Buggy keeps saying it was thanks to him because Shanks wouldn't have been able to do it on his own and, like, everybody agrees.

[pliablehead]

I guess if I want to write a travelogue/write up post about my 4-stop journey following the first chunk of Everything Everything's 2023 US tour then I have to just... do it!! If this is of interest to anyone other than me then GREAT and if not then it's still special to me to try to write down and remember everything I can uwu

FIRST STOP WASHINGTO-- wait, no, actually, first stop, on my way out of town, the local donut shop in my neighborhood, a place that I absolutely adore and patronize all the time with staff who mostly know me by now/some of whom are my instagram friends/etc. i'd checked with the Pittsburgh venue ahead of time to see if it was okay to send in outside food as a gift to the band even though they have a cafe/bar in their own right, and whoever I corresponded with said it would be totally fine, so I talked to the donut shop manager and set up a delivery of a dozen for the lads for Saturday before their show here. advance paid for that, as well as getting my own breakfast and coffee hehe, and then hit the road. OKAY FOR REAL FIRST STOP WASHINGTON DC!!! This was the second-longest leg of my Car Driving and it was definitely a wee bit exhausting but I had a podcast or two and a ton of E E on shuffle to bolster me through and I made it to my mom's friends' house, where I was staying, with relative ease. The venue was within a not-too-unreasonable walking distance too so after a change of clothes (I had very distinct and deliberate Show Outfits for each night that were fully separate from my travelin' clothes) and a bunch of fussing with the bracelets™ I headed over!! stopped for empanadas and a smoothie on the way and then queued up!!

aaaaahh this was such a nice fun queue. I was maybe about a dozen-ish people back from the front, down about half a block, and once I finished scarfing down my food this was my first real experience with doling out the bracelets. so fun! I'm glad it was basically an instant hit! AND I even got a few trades in this queue--one person gave me a Man Alive / Tin / E E bracelet with teeny tiny beads, super fun, and one person with a SHITTON of kandi stuff gave me one that had the name of a flower genus on it?? i think they said it was?? I love the colors on this one! And one person traded me a Blow Pop. lmao. I should eat that before it sits in my fanny pack for too long. I also really enjoyed chatting with the two guys right in front of me (Nick and Alex?), who were from south-central PA and had a couple other fandom touchstones in common with me (mcelroys/dnd/BDG! I love this Venn diagram!!) as well as a big love for E E. We didn't really see much of each other beyond the point of getting inside but I liked y'all a lot!! Hope you had as great a time as I did!!

Black Cat is where I saw E E the first time I EVER SAW THEM, which was almost exactly six years ago from this gig, which is insaaaane. The space is kind of narrow so there's not a huge amount of stage barrier space right at the front, so Becky and I ended up pretty much at the front but almost aa-all the way stage left/Jeremy-side. coulda been worse hehehe. We kind of loitered and chatted with nearby folks, I think maybe becky checked out merch ahead of the show ? but I kind of just held down the fort, enjoying setup stuff, pete running around etc hehe. getting BLASTED by the AC, which was nice.

the ummmm the opener! our first experience with Pierre! I gotta say his general style is not for me, despite the fact that I do think he's very talented and good at the thing he's doing. this first night especially he was SO sweaty and I felt bad for him lmao, you could like see it dripping off him. i am so curious as to why/how he got paired with the boys for this tour, like, what aligned in such a way that this match was made, because my general vibe on the crowd/his audience/etc was that we the fans of the nerdy white english mathy rocker guys were not exactly his demo LOL. BUT i will say in DC I do think he had one little pocket of strong-contingency fans because I kept hearing big whoops and cheers coming from one specific audience spot and I loved that for him lmao. for some reason i cannot explain I actually almost found his backing/support musician guy (the guy who was basically his version of peter) more compelling. I wanna know THAT dude's story lol.

so when he finished up we had a little interlude aaaannndd the setlist appeared... hehe. I could def have peered up to look at it from where I was, but I was telling myself I wanted to be surprised, and was deliberately looking away........ until suddenly everyone around me was gasping and going HOLY SHIT and I was like, ugghhh okay, I will check JUST enough to figure out what that's all about, and what that was all about was immediately apparent because smack in the middle of the set were a Man Alive track (which we never get in the states bar MY KZ) and something that just said "New Song." AND LIKE, OKAY, THAT'S A JUSTIFIED HOLY SHIT. new song????? so now we had THAT to contend with coming up, and aaaaaaah. ahh. yeah holy shit indeed.

it's also while we're standing there that AG pops into view, (or maybe I first spotted him during Pierre's set? Chronology is irrelevant), back off behind Becky from me in the other direction, and we waved over at him to say hi and he says to us, "All four of them are bleached blond." And my gut instinct was to be like, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, but also the truth in my heart was that there was absolutely no justification for not believing them, because of course they would, and sure enough these bozos roll out onto the stage and they are all four draco malfoy-ass bleach blond. God it looks a mess on Jeremy LOL and while the color/dye job wasn't bad on Alex, it was clear his finer hair wasn't holding up as well against the chemicals because it was just a fluffy riot mess. BUT GOD IT WAS REALLY SO INCREDIBLY STRIKING OF A VISUAL for them to be all be wearing all pure white/beige clothes and then to have this bleach-white hair and all of it catching and glowing under the stage lights... god... clearly the effect they were going for and it WORKED, IT REALLY DID. I think it looks so damn goofy (mostly on jez) out of context but it's ABSOLUTELY nailing the Everything Everything Gig Costumes energy/uniform thing that I felt like they'd drifted away from a little the past couple tour cycles, I'm so incredibly here for it

The set!!!! The gig!!!!!!! it wasn't a wildly different set from what we'd seen in CA last year, obviously RDF-heavy supplemented with a heaping helping of singles from the other albums too, but I remember thinking Leviathan and Pizza Boy were especially excellent aaaah. And Schoolin'! And the NEW SONG! The two pieces of it I IMMEDIATELY absorbed and retained were 'the image of a little yellow face to tell you that I'm sorry' and 'I love you like an atom bomb,' and I was spouting those two pieces back to anyone who wanted to talk to me about it for the rest of the night. I'm so lyrics-pilled/vocalist-biased. Which was.... Unfortunate, for this DC gig, because I do think the audio mix was pretty rough - at least from where we were standing so close to the front, I wonder if it was at least a tiny bit better further back into the crowd in the area the sound system was probably primarily calibrated for - and we were REALLY losing Jon in the mix, especially underneath how enthusiastically the crowd was singing along a lot of the time. We were on Jeremy's side of the stage and we were really just getting a LOT of Jeremy. (Which, the bass did sound absolutely fantastic, so hard to complain about that, at least, but still.) I was very thankful to be going to a few more gigs beyond this one so that this wasn't my only experience with it, especially New Song!!! Plus there were a bunch of other little tech difficulties too? Near the beginning of the new song, Jon's guitar strap came detached and wouldn't reconnect, and after struggling a bit with that he decided to just drift back and pass it off the stage to their tech guy--but he was still kind of singing/holding the mic, so as he moved on stage, the mic cable yanked the microphone stand straight over, too. Then the rest of the night that stand was pretty precarious and nearly fell two other times, only caught at the last minute by a true homie who was standing directly in front of it in the audience lmao. I think Becky yelled HIRE HIM! at one point. Annnnd also for like a whole verse of NOTLK jez's bass boards just kind of Gave Up. He tried switching to his other instrument but that wasn't working either, and then finally it all sort of came back online, so he played a little stretch with the wrong bass and then was able to switch back to the right bass when there was a lull in his part. SHAMBLES. lmfao. god it was a great gig though. SO FUCKING GOOD TO BE BACK I LOVE BAND UWAAAAAHH I WAS SO SWEATY AND HAPPY

afterrrr da gig, we needed very badly to drink water and so we managed to do that I believe, and we kind of loitered in the Merch Line Situation trying to figure out what was going on. I had kind of resolved not to buy merch until at least NY, part because I really didn't want to be lugging anything around with me for too much of my trip (esp on this night where I walked) and part because I'd read a post that Irving Plaza was among the venues who'd committed to not taking a cut of band merch sales and letting them keep it all, and I was like, well obvi that's where I want to spend my money. Plus it was cash only in DC and since I'd kind of told myself NY I didn't even have cash out, so it was nothing. BUT!!! homie Adrian whomst I had met at the DC Foals show last December had been there, a few people ahead of me in the queue and also rocking out yaayyy, and he was trying to get merch but the ATM inside the venue literally did not have any more cash left inside it to dispense because everyone was taking out so much of it to buy merch AAAH. so he reached out to me like 'you're going to more shows than just this one right?' and asked if I'd pick him up the stuff he wanted later and then mail it to him so he didn't have to contend with international shipping and I was like aaaah absolutely! yay gig comradeship!

so I think becky finally committed to getting in the merch line and I was mostly just waiting With Becky and there weren't a ton of people left because the venue was trying to clear out, but the handful of us who were still there, a wild Alex Robertshaw appeared up near the stage/bar. we vibed out whether he was receptive to Fan Bothering at this time but it seemed legit, so a bunch of us went over and socialized with him and took some pics, got some signatures, etc, woooo. We tried to vibe out from him also if the other guys were gonna be coming out, and when and where, but y'all know Alex is the awkwardest member of this band by a country mile and we didn't really have too coherent of a discourse at this point in time lmao. Not sure who talked to him about what at this point as I was just trying to hold down the fort and be Normal. I was able to give Alex the bracelet I'd made for him at this point (he was so cute studying on it and reading it ahaha - "rave-- kevin-- kevins rave KEVIN'S RAVE" and he smiled and I felt cool), and also meanwhile Pete was still running around stage doing roadietech type stuff and I sort of politely flagged him down like "do what you need to do if you need to do it but also: Hi lol" and I got to give him his bracelet as well! yay ♥. He complimented my shirt--I'd been getting a lot of compliments on it honestly, it's their Yellow Bird Project shirt that Jon designed some time ago, only I replaced the plain white sleeves of the original unisex tee with some sort of vermilion "girly fit" sleeves that are more comfy to me and kind of give the shirt a different look haha--and I sort of joked on that, said as much, oh, I swapped the sleeves out, "It's to cover up how sweaty I get." and Pete gave me a deadpan look and went "You don't even want to go there with me" and I was like "YEP I FEEL MUCH THE SAME" and I think we both enjoyed a moment of feeling very Seen about the sweatiness hehehehehe. I love Pete he is my heckin Friend With no additional merch purchases (merchases) (hm, no) the venue was finally for realsies ejecting us so we drifted back out into the streets and just like... okay... now what........ this was the point at which I think our Band Groupie-ing Crew became me, Becky, Danielle in the fox ears/tail, and a lanky youth named S.P. whom I'd talked to in line earlier while doling out bracelets (he had the good E E baseball cap; he asked for an Arc bracelet and I commended him for being an Arc fan, since I feel like they are a dwindling/rarer breed, and then I offered up my hot take that Violent Sun is just the second coming and second pass at Duet, which he thought was spicy, and then he asked for my most controversial E E take and I told him that I don't really like Tin very much and he told me he doesn't really like Shark Week very much and we agreed to disagree and have a good night LOL) (anyway I digress !). It was a warm enough night and none of us really had places to be so we didn't mind just loitering and trying to suss out some more Guys other than just Alex and Pete, but slowly but surely we became basically the only fans left sticking it out. so we stuck together! We split up to try to find if there was a rear stage door at the back and SP and I went one way (the long way RIP) and Becky and Danielle went the other way and it turns out the way that SP and I went was an alleyway just FULL of rats. Too many rats in DC!! People like to talk about rats in NYC but I saw WAY more in Washington just vibing out on the sidewalks and eating trash. I'm not anti-rat, they live there and deserve to live, but oh man it was just. I did not especially want a rat encounter LOL. The rat alley DID actually lead us to where the bus was though!!, but there was also a venue security guy there who was immediately like "Nope, back up, leave, bye" and we were like. understood have a nice day, and doubled around a different way to meet back up with the other two. wwwwelp.

We loitered a bunch more and eventually saw Alex and his homies like, AT LEAST two more times, but we ultimately never saw anyone else. They p much confirmed for us that because this was the first night of the tour, they had a really intense load-out, and everyone was jetlagged to all fuck, that they probably wouldn't ever make it out, even though at least once Alex had said something ambiguous/optimistic enough to imply that they might yet, but really it just got SO late that we couldn't justify still being there for nothing instead of being like. asleep. lol. SP and Danielle got rideshares, Becky and I walked back as far as her hotel together, and then I hiked the rest of my way back too and went the fuck to SLEEP!!! FIRST GIG IN THE BOOKS!! WHAT A LOVELY NIGHT GOD IT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL TO BE SEEING THEM AGAIN ngl I think the blond is really attractive on Mike with his darker brows/beard and I'm always a sl*t for jonathan so like. beautiful. finally some delicious fucking food

it was super nice of my mom's friend to let me stay with him!!! I was so delighted to see his cats again, I remembered them from the last time I was there like six or so years ago, they're sooooo floofy and beautiful aahh. he also provided me with a white noise fan without me even asking which was SO choice. zzzzz. My plan was to get up in the morning, get coffee someplace nearby at wherever he recommended, and then hit the road forrrr... Philadelphia!!! Night two!!!! I got some breakfast tacos at a hella legit place, messed up my coffee/milk/sugar ratio ever so slightly but not in an undrinkable way, and then frickin. autobot rolled out. This drive was not bad at ALL, I timed it pretty much exactly like I planned it to, which was to: get to my friend's place where I was crashing in philly with, ideally, enough time to take a small nap before I had to do anything else, because, god, despite being pretty exhausted and sleeping okay on the nice guest bed in DC, I had BARELY slept the night before I left just from Travel Antsiness and from both staying up way later and waking up way earlier than I meant to unintentionally, and a second little recharge zzz before I went and did it all over again really hit the spot.

It was soooo nice to see Mads again and to see Mr. Angus and also meet BENNY!! More host cats!! They are suuuch silly good little lads, Mads and I had a ton of Kitty Chat and just vibing out and talking about concerts and fandom and stuff, I was so thankful she let me stay with her and getting to hang out was icing on the cake of this trip! She pointed me toward the trolley I'd need to take to get to the venue, and after my baby snzzz and drinking a ton of water and suiting up in my Arc-inspired look (literally just a sweatshirt dress I bought specifically because it was color-blocked very very much like the jackets/outfits they toured Arc in, I saw it and bought it immediately lmfao) I journeyed into the city, hoping to just find a place to eat in the vicinity of the gig! I was way closer up in the queue this time, the people in front of me were really just like.... the usual suspects, Annika+squad and David+squad (incl. Becky, who'd apparently already been there when I got there but wasn't there when I arrived), and also a super-nice woman immediately in front of me named Robin who I MEGA hit it off with!!! Hanging out with her was such an awesome part of my experience at this gig!!! she's COMPLETELY Offline which is so powerful for her but I hope there's some capacity in which we can continue to be friends because she ruled.

There was a Dominican(? I think) place like one block down from the venue where a couple in front of me had gotten some stuff and so I ran down there to snag food too and holy shit this man gave me so much goddamn food. Just a HUGE pile of rice and beans and some pork ribs, and I got a pineapple fanta, and I just popped a squat on the sidewalk and ate as much of it as I could which was probably not even half of what he gave me but it wasn't even that expensive so god bless. Once I wasn't dealing with my food sitch any more I was freed up to pass out a bunch of bracelets again, and I even got a couple more trades, one that was just a bunch of black beads and a bunch of Xs and one that says 'BUSSY' which I am elated about, thank you so fucking much lmao. Also someone offered to trade me an ibuprofen LOL and I was like no that's fine the bracelet can be free... for now, but I will keep that in mind if I change my mind later LOL aaahhh i was just so excited to give the bracelets out it was such a good vector for socializing and making Friends and Gig Buddies. I did learn p quickly at Philly that I should have made way more Man Alive, GTH, and Raw Data feel bracelets because those were basically the first to go every night and then I got stuck with just sad unloved Re-Animators and AFDs :( I was trying to like! do equal amounts of everything to give everything the love because I love them all! but people got favorites out there damn lmao. I was happy to be able to give Robin the MY KZ one because she said that's the first song she ever heard by them and it's special to her because of that (and then also it's been in the touring set and she got to hear them perform it too yay!!! I don't remember if she said she'd seen them before but it had just been a very very long time, or what, idk, aaaah).

We were R I G H T on the stage at this venue, slightly more to Alex's side this time, and the lip/rise of the stage was not very high at ALL and it felt almost like... intimidating, or like it shouldn't have been ALLOWED, for us to be that close to the stage. :flushed emoji: jeez lmao. I didn't fuck w merch here either but some people around me did I think and I held their spots, and a nice kid from right behind me in the queue brought me a Liquid Death which was so incredibly sweet. Pierre's set passed much as it had in DC, lmao; his other musician guy had a sweet fit on, though, this like two-piece set that was a really really dark/muted camo, a blazer over a black top and then matching like athleisure-fit pants and black boots, it was a fuckin look. They had a song at the very end of Pierre's Philly set that I don't think they'd done in DC (and that I didn't get in PGH either, it turned out), and ironically that was actually probably far and away the song of his I enjoyed the most, so I got kind of into it there at the end! but MAN was I ready to see the boys instead. hnnnn.

LADS SO CLOSE TO ME. JUST RIGHT THERE AND SINGING AND ROCKING. the set was aaaalmost exactly the same as DC, but in Philly they shifted Bad Friday up out of the encore and back into the set proper, and then replaced it in the encore with Violent Sun, which I admit I'd been bummed to not see in DC because I think the Violent Sun/No Reptiles encore double whammy is so incredibly crucial to the vibe. Warmed me to have it back in. Obviously Pittsburgh had so many other contributing factors that put it over the edge, but if it weren't for all of those, I think Philly would've been my favorite/best experience of these four gigs. Jon was spicy (he sang so many of the Original Rejected naughty lyrics, this is where we got 'he's a vegetable now' for the first and only time and also the only gig of the four where he leaned into the 'Arch Jeremy' gag in Arch Enemy, hehehehe, plus also motherfuckin' distant past which is not uncommon), and we got way more of the New Song-- through the whisper network of Becky, AG, David, etc., etc., we'd pieced together enough info to know by now that apparently the title of the song was in the lyrics of the chorus, and so I think it was in Philly that we all pretty much determined/decided that this was Cold Reactor. I love you like an atom bomb and I've become a cold reactor. I wasn't diving as DEEP into SONG DECIPHERING as some other folks were, but I did like kind of working on it at my own pace and absorbing it into my heart and my understanding of the band and what they're about to start doing, and so this was really great, for me, here, beautiful, beautiful. I took almost NO pics and vids at this one because my phone was kind of dying but also mostly just because I was honestly having such an enormously great time and I didn't feel the need to try to do anything other than be present in my body at the gig and experience it live. you KNOW?? LIKE!! MUSIC. man. EDIT TO ADD: I forgot to mention a small tech flub that was actually so charming, where near the very end of Arch Enemy jon seemed to be having trouble with his guitar board in the front, and he spent so long in the outro squinting down at it and trying to resolve the issue that he didn't fully come in on the It's time to show your face! bit at the proper time, and he ended up just saying "It's time to show your face." right into the mic very unaffected and straight-up in his regular speaking voice at the very, very end when the song was basically over. lol. he is cute. everyone is cute.

(I WILL ALSO SAY I got the giggles SO BAD at david and amanda's gudetama they slipped onto the stage, oh my god--I was going to take a joke video just dramatically zooming in on it, as one does, except right when I went to do that it got caught up in jon's mic cable and just TUMBLED AND JOSTLED ALL OVER THE PLACE and that fucking GOT me and I was DYING and it was right at like. the serious, heartstring-tugging, fuck-yeah parts of No Reptiles where I'm supposed to be at CHURCH and instead I'm losing my shit into hysterics over this poor gudetama just rolling everywhere alksdhjglaksd, I had to bury my face in Becky's shoulder for a measure or more and try to recover, oh my godddd. EGGS!) -- (OH ALSO I LMAO I HAVE SEVERAL AUDIENCE MEMBER ~BITS THAT I AM DOING just like, clapping here or there, participating actively in certain parts of things, and one that I kept doing for some asshole clown reason was singing along with/lampshading Alex's quick backing vox on the second verse of Spring Sun Winter Dread-- Philly was probably the place where I was the most prominent/obvious/easy to see doing it, and it made both him and Jeremy REALLY snicker, ahahaha I'm sorryyyyyyy for being obnoxioussssss)

The merch/loitering sitch was sli-iiightly more locked down, in here; there was only so long Marty and I could pretend to be thinking about merch/hanging out with people who were actually in line but not actually being in line before they really truly wanted us to leave, and they were pretty pissed that I even left the venue with an empty/ice-only water cup, never mind any dreams of re-entry. The militant energy of the security at this venue compared to how relatively chill and normal DC had been (for two venues I would say of comparable size/seriousness) was def my least favorite part of the Philly experience. I was outside, finishing my water and chitchatting with some artsy youths who were also unimpressed with security, and Becky's messaging me like "they're in here!" and I'm like "well I'm not and I can't come back so you gotta tell them to come out here!" lmao. But they did!!! All the guys came out before too long and I very delightfully got to talk to everyone. I gave Mike and Jeremy the bracelets I'd made for them - THEY both apologized to ME outright for not coming out to chat the night before?? like hello you’re the band we’re the fans you don’t owe us anything - they kind of came toward my side of the door first, and talked and chatted some, vs Jon sort of peeling the other way to the other half of the loiterers - I honestly have lost track of the sequence of events here and what happened when, but it was largely unimportant hehe. (Gosh, but then I keep randomly remembering other unrelated details. Like, for example, Black Cat gave me their big ol' signature black cat hand stamp, and I'd been thinking, oh this will be fun to watch my four hand stamps stack from these four gigs, the way I got two together from The Altogether/Matt Duncan double feature back in July, and then Underground Arts put theirs on the INSIDE OF MY WRIST and not the back of my hand, and both Irving and T-Bird just did wristbands. BUMMER.) But mostly just Seeing Band, Talking To Band. This was when I overheard Alex definitely confirm to someone that the new song is called Cold Reactor, and he sort of half-seriously half-not said they just didn't call it that on the setlist in case there was another "New Song" they might want to decide to start playing there instead at the last minute, even though the longer this goes on the more confident we are that they're not going to do that and that Cold Reactor is gonna be a new single that probably drops once this tour is over <___< eyes emoji. Also, between Wednesday and Thursday we also knew that the bleach-blond hair is for Lore Reasons, which we assume are to do with Cold Reactor and the album it will be on, because of course it is. stupid. jonathan higgs I want to crawl inside your deranged pisces mind and meld with it vulcan style.

anyway, as far as my short term memory can be relied upon/will tell me is the truth, I think Jon was actually the last person I ended up in contact with on this night; I was drifting over toward him but someone else was still engaged in an active conversation with him, so I was like, well obviously I will wait my turn and let other people have jonathan time even though I'm the biggest jonathan girlie, I can just hang and go in when he frees up, and so I was turned slightly away from him listening in on other convos and talking to Becky and maybe Annika or a couple other people, and then suddenly there's a delicate hand on the back of my shoulder and Jon's right in my fucking ear ominously going "hello." askdjhgka. He was soooo cute and nice, I gave him the bracelet I made him as well (which was "I wanna be there" from Violent Sun and shades of re-animator orange) and he was immediately like Oh, of course you, are the bracelet distributor, and I was like hehehe yes, and he asked if I also had to do with the gudetama and I was like absolutely not I have no idea what is going on there lmfao. and I think amanda and david did take credit for it at that time of course so yes hehe. Ended up in a fun casual chitchat with Jon and Becky for most of the rest of the time here, with her trying to squeeze him for info about the new song and album and lore hehehe and him being his typical cryptic trolly cagey Jon, and it was all in incredibly good fun; he noticed her bracelet too, and she pointed it out like Yes I got the one that says This Is The Prophecy from big climb because it hearkens back to that bit they were doing on twitter from way before that song even came out so I gave her that one on purpose duh lol, and Jon says "Oooh yep I forgot about that. .. Album..." and mimed swiping his hair back like whoopsie lmao and it was such a silly little half-self-neg on Re-Animator lol, and so I said "WELP too bad! because the one I made from you is one of those too haha!" and he took another look at it as if to remind himself about it and then went "Well yeah that one's good" with a wryer wickeder laugh and I was like lmao tell us how you really feel. But like he's right violent sun is perfect and I actually labored so long over what I was going to have jon's say because he was the only person I didn't have a really solid concrete idea of what to make for and ALSO he was the only one I REALLY wanted to get PERFECT because it's important to me and yeah. so it was. reassuring for him to like the violent sun one. idk anyway.

The woman we'd seen running around doing a lot for them, including merch, who recognized us from DC the night before and was fun and glib about it, and who turns out to be: Tour Manager Sam, finally had enough of our fucking about and started very efficiently organizing us all into "everyone who wants a pic with themself + all four guys come get in Now and I'm gonna play photographer and then we all gotta go the fuck home" and I respected it SO much lmao, so we had sort of a rotating queue of group picture taking and then the guys all went back inside the venue (I kind of fingerguns'd Jon like "New York :D?" and he looked at me just SO Put Out and just deadpanned "Of course you're going to be there." of course!! lmfao) and we started talking amongst ourselves just out of reluctance to let the night end/social energy we still wanted to wallow in and that was cute and nice. I said goodbye to some folks who weren't going any further on the tour. I had such a wonderful night. Then, lo and behold, we turn around and Jeremy's up on the stoop of the venue, and he's like, I think I've locked myself out. I am locked out and I also don't have my phone on me. lmfao jez. he goes "I am going to blame jonathan" and we allowed him that. I was like, do you want me to TWEET AT SOMEONE LOL and he was like good god no they'll come back for me eventually, and then yes they did, and THEN we all left hahahaha. becky insisted on sticking with me part of the way to the trolley but I was like, it is coming in 14 minutes and it says it's gonna take me 12 minutes to get there I gotta GO!, and I freaking missed it anyway!!! and then I had to wait like OVER HALF AN HOUR MORE for the next one and i didn't even get ON the trolley till like 12:50 and it was soooo late before I was back at mads's place aiyaa. But, all in all, TRULY SUCH A GOOD NIGHT I JUST LOVE BEING IN AN ACTIVE BUZZY FANDOM SPACE AND MEETING FANS AND PARASOCIALING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND DOING ARTS N CRAFTS. you KNOW?? you know. you're on tumblr you get it.

The Philly to Jersey (pre-NYC) leg of my road tripping was set to be Thee shortest drive I had to make the whole time, so I let myself have time in the morning to keep snoozing and fucking about, even though I once again woke up way earlier than I'd hoped to and didn't ever make it back to sleep after that. But the tradeoff was still super nice and relaxing vibing with Madeline--I offered to buy her breakfast in exchange for the couch-crashin' and we got hella bagel sandwiches and cold brew from a place real close by her apartment, and scarfed 'em down while watching the most recent ep of Make Some Noise and just shooting the shit (again, largely about either fandom or kitty cats. We are simple folk). My sandwich contained salmon, a fried egg, and the most incredible sloppy caramelized onions, what a banger. The last truly good food I truly enjoyed before my mega super Travel Tummy set in and wrecked my whole shop metabolically speaking, rip. I took a little rinsy-rinse shower at her place too, and then finally made myself get up and Go to do the runaround silly business of driving to and parking in NJ, taking the ferry in to Manhattan, and then taking the subway to Allegra's place for NIGHT THREE IN NEW YORK CITY WOOOOO. I LOVE going to E E with Allegra!!!!! Once again I used her place primarily as a spot to change out of my car clothes and into my gig clothes (it's RDF night; I wore an oversized pale beige button-up shirt, actually left over from my Foals Antidotes costume from last halloween hahaha, gussied up with E E pins and jewelry) and to fuck about with bracelets. I made Allegra a special In Birdsong bracelet, the only one I did from that song :) because allegra is my special E E friend!! and she needs one of her special song!!! Fandom... is good. Allegra also had a kickass outfit. We stopped in at a tex-mex place she really wanted to try that was nearby the venue, and i got pretty nervous that it was gonna be a little late before doors for us to be hitting a sit-down dinner spot, but we rushed it along pretty well on the food and got our slice of dessert cake to go in a box and everything was A-OK. And I had time to hit a bodega for merch cash from the ATM and a pineapple soda for fortitude! let's GOOO irving plaza.

God, Irving was kind of a shitshow when it came to queuing and security though. There were a fair few people in line ahead of us, maybe just as many or slightly more than what I'd had in DC (definitely further back than Philly, although in line near us were the same also-eating-Dominican-food couple from the Philly gig, and I recognized them and was glad to see them again-- I FULLY DO NOT REMEMBER/DID NOT CATCH Y'ALL'S NAMES, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE BECAUSE WE HUNG OUT AND WORKED TOGETHER SO MUCH, i am so sorryyyyy), but then because it's not a sweet local friendly indie venue but is in fact Livenation As Hell, there's some person affiliated with the venue wandering up front offering some sort of VIP/fast pass line experience where you can just cough up some extra cash and get in your own special line and get to go in first regardless of how long other people have been queuing--you know the deal. Wack as hell. I think David and Amanda opted for this in some capacity, so I was happy for them about it, but a lot of the other people who ended up doing it had kind of rancid vibes of just like "concert-going" and not the very lovely communal sardine megafan energy everyone else had had thusfar. Also it put us where we were at in the queue standing in a place that just had a really terrible smell of sewage, which persisted almost the entire time we were there only to suddenly be replaced by a very powerful smell of bleach, as if whatever it was was suddenly being cleaned/sanitized. ICKY!! Annika was enough further ahead of us in line that I thought it might have only been over where we were but she said no she was definitely getting it too. new york city babey

Bracelet distribution got a little silly here, too, since the queue was wrapping SO far back and was being policed a little more stringently, but I had kind of figured I may need some kind of additional plan, especially since I'd decided not to wear my fanny pack (bum bag--fanny pack, says Jonathan Higgs in a derisive American accent, even as he's telling me he likes mine a lot, skdjshgalkj smh) since my shorts under my shirt had really capacious pockets and that just made for one less thing to worry about--I snagged a sheet of paper at Allegra's place, along with a gallon-size ziploc bag, and I put all the bracelets in there with a note that said to just take one if you wanted one and pass it back through the queue while we waited. It was kind of a crapshoot how effective I thought this was going to be, especially since I had to kind of wait to deploy it once there was a substantial queue BUT by the time there was a big queue it meant that I couldn't see exactly HOW big from where I was near-ish enough to the front, so I didn't know how far the bag was going to make it, if someone was going to end up stuck with my whole big bag at the back of the line (esp since I had a fair number of extra Philly bracelets left over that I lumped in with the NYC ones just because I still Had them).... whew...! BUT by the time Marty was there, he was further enough back from me that I asked him to kind of check up on it when it made it to him and keep passing it; and, by the time we were going inside, I could see zero sign of the bag itself but I DID catch a lot of people milling around me wearing bracelets, and one or two of them did stop me to thank me (since I'd indicated on my note in the bag that I was the person with green hair hahaha), and then I never saw 'em again, so I guess it was a relative success!! Yayyyyy!! WAY less conducive to making New Line Friends than the DC/Philly setup had been, but incredibly effective at making sure that all my bracelets found new homes rather than me having to take a huge handful home with me again and them just sitting in my house forever LOL. success! :)

tl;dr about the bracelets. not important compared to concert and band. WE GO INSIDE!! They have such dumb security/bag check. a gender-split process where the men get patted down by a dude guard and the women get patted down by a lady guard? In TYOOL 2023? you hate to see it. She felt the Sharpie in my back pocket and made me take it out and surrender it???? MY METALLIC BRONZE SHARPIE ? ? no sharpies in the venue I guess. Talked to at least one other person who got sharpie-confiscated too, but also at least two people who fully didn't and still had markers just fine. Absolute shenanigans. Allegra and I didn't quite get barrier due in part to fastpass line nonsense but we did end up right exactly behind Annika &co. with perfect sightlines, once again stage-left/Jeremy-ward-of-center. we don't hate it! my Philly pals to my left with David, Becky et al in front of them. Me fully surrounded by redheads. LOL.

this was the laaaatest show of my whole run, a whole lot of standing around just waiting for Band, and also definitely the energy of "trying to politely vibe to pierre kwenders's set because he can clearly see me and look straight at me even though I would much rather just skip to the bit I actually came for and don't necessarily need to see his set" just slowly increasing every night RIP lol. BUT WE MADE IT! ohhhh new york. EXACT same set as Philly but I couldn't even be mad about it because I was still so grateful to get a Man Alive song that wasn't just MY KZ (not that I don't love my kz obviously, but it HAS been in the set literally all eight times that I have seen E E live as of this Irving Plaza gig, and something else from that album is fun fresh delicious) (OH, SWEET THREEP OF FRIDAY EVENING, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW) and to be getting COLD REACTOR again, especially becaussseee by this point I knew just enough of the lyrics that I felt confident singing/mouthing along conspicuously with the parts that I Did know, aka I See You Sir I'm Doing The Thing Just Watch Me, god I wish I knew how to be not so fucking extra but then again no I don't. we did get saddled with some Rather Annoying audience members in our near vicinity--a couple I'd spotted in the fastpass line earlier wedged themselves hard between me and my tall redhead/mask-wearing homie from Philly, all like "ummm we're short :)" because they. were, but that didn't give them a right to be pushy and rude, and their vibes were kind of shit because the sense I got was they were mostly there because the girl really loved the band and the dude didn't know much about them at all, and also they were already drunk so early on in the set, and they were talking loudly with some other fans they'd just met and getting Lore™ explained to them and it was just a lot of. loud talking and shoving. in my vicinity. when I would have preferred for there to. not be. BUT Also materializing behind me was someone who said "I saw your bracelets on twitter do you still have any!!" and I had to be like UHHHH FUCK, NO, I turned them loose into the queue, did they not make it as far as you..?? and she sadly said no, and I was like, well the only one I have left is this one I just left on for tradesies/advertising purposes, and it says "akon in the butterfly house" so that's kind of a deep cut, if you're familiar-- and she went WAIT REALLY and seemed SUPER jazzed to get a Dave Sardine-ass bracelet and I was like OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, GOOD, ACTUALLY, because I'd made four of these and I knew they were going to be the deepest cut/hardest sell and I was really really hoping that whoever ended up with them would actually get and appreciate them. so thank you, andrea, for being that person, and for appearing exactly when the bracelet needed it most. so glad to have hung with you this night. sorry that you too found yourself among the ranks of the sharpie-confiscatees.

ANYWAY, OTHER THAN THAT, THIS AUDIENCE WAS FIRE AND THIS GIG SLAPPED. We were finally in a space and an environment that REALLY lent itself to the crowd actually full on bouncing/dancing instead of just kind of wobbling and vibing and everyone in my immediate zone was really going hard. I LOVE this fucking BAND. I love every song by this band. I love when Jon just points the mic at the crowd and the entire crowd sings the whole song word for word and note for note. I love that Jon was still desperately trying to cram the name of the host city into the start of My Kz, despite the fact that "Washington" subs for "Lucifer" perfectly (he has done this both times I've seen them in DC lol) but "Philadelphia" is WAY too stupid long and "New York City," while a syllable shorter, scans metrically in an extremely busted way and you could have just said EN WHY CEE or. y'know. lucifer. but okay man you do you. Jon was just as rowdy as the rest of us lmfao. he was like, climbing up and down off Mike's riser, he was finding people who were taking photos/videos and staring directly into their cameras (me fucking included--I'm sorry, Jon, you can't make eye contact with me while singing the "When I saw you, I fell in love" part of Leviathan, I am pretty sure that is illegal and a crime against my humanity), and basically all the tracks from Get To Heaven (plus like, Cough Cough and NOTLK) blew the fucking roof off the place. I think he donked some My Kz lyrics hehehe he just skipped to the alt lyrics of the chorus too early without completing the standard chorus first at the end, and a little flubbo in NOTLK and a tiny stutter in No Reptiles too, everyone was just TOO ROWDY and he's THROWN LOOPY and man did we not care. I said multiple times to people on this tour that pretty much the closest things I've ever experienced to true Religion are a) being in an E E audience for No Reptiles and b) being in a Hedwig audience for Midnight Radio. they're the same spiritually in my heart and also like do people who love Jesus feel this way and is this why. insane. the cult leader imagery was Not Wrong!!!!!

I wanna MERCH! I got in the line not too long after the show wrapped, but true to reports I'd heard about the pre-show merch line, it was moving verrryy slowly, with just one guy manning it who was not exactly quick and a card reader that seemed pretty chuggy too (but hey, at least NY was taking card). I'd known I wanted the poster--it's got my favorite neon orange on it, it really really slaps, and I wanted something to get signed--but I let myself talk myself into a t-shirt too, mostly because I was REALLY excited to buy E E merch apparel that wasn't black or white. Yellow!! a really freaking good yellow!! I wish the yellow ones had actually had the tour dates on them like the black and white ones did but the yellow branding has been pretty exclusive to this leg of tour (i.e. vs the red branding of the west coast one last year) and it looks soooo good with my hair that I don't especially mind. I also knew that Adrian wanted a copy of Caps Lock On, but that he also wanted a shirt, but I hadn't heard back from him about which shirt or what size so I just got the book and my stuff and then bounced. Communique from outside was that Alex had surfaced but no one else, but that Alex had promised appearances by the rest of them, but that also Alex was already gone and unlikely to return by the time I made it outside. I posted up with all my friends from inside, god this was SUCH a good sardine squad this night, and it took some waiting but eventually the promises came true! All the other boys surfaced and we had some REALLY great fan chats and mingling this tiimmmmee. oh my gosh. A guy came with a Modern Bison CD that Jon and Jeremy were really truly overjoyed to see and to sign and take pictures with; I talked to Jeremy about the bracelets some more because he'd been wearing the one I gave him the WHOLE GIG IN NEW YORK SO LIKE THAT'S GONNA BE IN ANY PHOTOS THAT WERE TAKEN PROFESSIONALLY SPEAKING, oh my gosshhh, he was so nice about it and enjoyed that his Arch Jeremy matched my Arch Emily, the vibes were impeccable; and then I got everyone to sign my poster, but of course Alex was gone already, so Jon offers to forge Alex's signature and goes "look it's like this" and draws some loopy scribble on there and I'm like, lmao, sure.

thing was... I had absolutely heard Jeremy signing something for someone else the night before talking about how he was getting really good at forging Alex's signature for him, since I guess it's normal for him to be the one that disappears the sneakiest (god he really is just the Justin Craig of this band, it's 1:1, huh), and so when I told Jeremy this, he was like "I'll do it" and I was like "no Jon did already do it" and he was going to just leave it then, like, oh, well, okay, but then he saw the mess Jon had made and he was like "--that's quite dreadful actually-- the trick is to not overthink it--" and so now my poster has two forged Alex Robertshaw signatures and zero authentic ones. l m f a o. (To be fair, I do have other things they've all four signed, and Jeremy's fake Alex is at least passable, and Jon's fake Alex is Absolute Dogshit Nothing. I am obsessed.) I even got Peter to sign! He was talking with another fan about a gift she'd given them in the past that had sadly been part of what they lost in their studio fire, it was really heartbreaking to hear. He also thanked me again for his bracelet and told me he planned to give it to his daughter and that she would love it. We took a pic together! Pete the GOAT.

While I was making the rounds with the other boys and other fans, Allegra mostly in tow, swapping sharpies among those of us who still had them, Becky was back with Jon, taking a couple videos for people who weren't there in NY to talk about stuff that they were curious about--I think in the context of Maria, Becky said something like, she thinks the hair is crazy, and Jon said into the camera something like, "If you think it's crazy Now, give it like two or three more weeks, and you're really gonna think it's crazy." SIR WHAT. If the blond is a precursor to something else happening I'm gonna be so the opposite of normal about it, and if the bleach is a stepping stone toward the boys dyeing their hair Other colors I am going to be PROFOUNDLY NOT NORMAL ABOUT IT, AND IF ANY MEMBER OF THE MANCUNIAN ROCK BAND EVERYTHING EVERYTHING HAS THEIR HAIR DYED GREEN ANY TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE I AM GOING TO BE ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE. tyler the creator unfollow me right now etc. etc. etc. The more I've thought about it I don't THINK this is what's up--my sense is that any Cold Reactor music video is probably already filmed and ready to drop alongside the single pretty quick after the tour ends, rather than being something they're going to film/put together entirely post-tour, so they probably needed the bleachblond for some energy similar to how I felt about them when they first walked on stage in DC, but Oh man...... OH MAN............ I digress. anyway.

following up from that, Allegra (I think? Or maybe still Becky and allegra was just Present) addressed the notion of the hair being related to the Lore, and like, did that mean lore for the single/the upcoming album ? ? which was what we were assuming, and Jon said some demented and ominous and extremely exciting phrase like, "The lore for this one is.... b o t t o m l e s s" in his always-startling real deep Jon voice, and that was the fucking sound bite of the evening, folks. FOLKS. ALLEGRA AND I WENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO HER APARTMENT JUST CONTINUALLY SAYING "THE LORE IS BOTTOMLESS!" my body is so god damn ready.

We bid farewells to all our friends for whom NYC was their final stop on this tour!! SAD!!!!!! Going to miss all the homies T___T it's not fair that we're not just all going to every single stop on this tour I don't think? it should actually be illegal for us not to be present when the band is performing?? the hugest RIP. Hugs exchanged all around. Me trying to say bye to Jon but he's engaged with someone else so I think I just awkwardly said "See you tomorrow" twice and then we left. becky maaaybe trying to last minute scramble to also come to pgh now despite not really having accounted for it in her plans originally ? ? I was not certain what she intended here but I supported her. yes. me, annika and AG for sure being there at least. we ride. Back to allegra's where I did, unfortunately, sleep ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLY/BASICALLY NOT AT ALL due to being so hot and stuffy in my little nest on the floor that it was making me nauseated, I think I got maybe 2.5 hours tops, but I didn't really have a choice because if I wanted to be back home in time to do ANYTHING other than just rock straight over to the queue for Thunderbird then I knew I was going to have to leave so GOD DAMN early in the morning to haul ass back to where my car was and then drive the seven hours to pgh. But I did exactly that!!!! bitch!!!!! Other than some issues like, managing to make a timely pit stop for gas/potty/coffee, I endured the miserable long roadtrip despite myself, raging my way through the poconos, downing the largest cold brew Wawa would sell me, having a truly tragic car vs quesadilla incident, etc. My BFF Francis even got on the phone with me for the last hour or so and we chatted and I got to give them the whole update on the tour thus far, so fun! They MIGHT try to go to the Chicago stop next week!!! if they feel like they can swing it, and I was like ok no pressure but also it's been an extraordinary experience for me thusfar and I highly recommend. So if you see Francis at E E Chicago please holler at them kindly from me!!! :) But at the very least they said they did want a T-shirt and venmo'd me money to buy them one, since I was already still gonna have to get one for Adrian. woooooo

I got home with, yeah, basically exactly enough time to shower, get my outfit together, and regroup before heading to the venue !!! I JUST BARELY missed the bus that would've gotten me there the most promptly, largely due to not being able to find another fucking Sharpie since irving plaza took my first one lmfao, and it ended up being quicker to walk there than to wait the 36 minutes it would've been for another bus or whatever. I still had MEGA travel tummy so I just snagged an apple and scarfed it down on the walk over. Annika was already there queuing! so we hung out in line together and waited and drank the waters we had definitely brought in from outside the bar and just vibed lol. and she was like, I heard them checking two new songs that haven't been in the setlist yet, and I was like ha ha lol like what, and she said, kevin's car and leave the engine room.

and listen, I was optimistic. that my social media obnoxiousness and well-known, easily observable public desires might yet sway them, because come on it's my hometown and it's the last show i'm gonna see on this tour and I sent them donuts, and those were MEANT as a KINDNESS and an ENTHUSIASM FOR DONUTS and not as a bribe, but if anyone wanted to interpret them as a bribe anyway whomst was I to say no, but like. just because I want the band i like to do a thing absolutely does not mean that they have to fucking do it. I want to be crystal clear that i have never at any point EXPECTED them to do this. i just. hoped. yearned in my heart of hearts. and also had very sound rationale for how possible/likely it was. Here's How Engie Room Can Still Win. yfm. but the soundcheck all but confirmed it in my soul for me. and I was like... glad, that she'd been there and caught it and could tell me about it, because it gave me time to like, come to terms with the reality of it, emotionally. AAH. AAAAAHHH, OKAY. BITCH, PLIABLE HEAD, IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

we lingered and watched the queue form behind us-- I spotted a kid I'd seen at the Philly show, god bless. Everywhere we turn, repeat customers. I was telling my work friend today, I feel like the US fanbase for E E is significantly smaller than the UK audience, but we make up for it in that we go fucking hard. Every US fan is a superfan. there are no half-assed american sardines. and that has been so BEAUTIFUL and means the WORLD to me to be sharing it with the other ones of you. Bracelet sharing rocked at this gig!! I had exactly as many as I'd set aside for Pittsburgh and no more, since all my spares had evaporated up at Irving, A new person ALSO HAD BRACELETS!!! LIKE, for realsies Made For Trading At This Show Specifically bracelets, it was suuuuch a delight, so in addition to my eclectic collection from the previous gigs I now also have one that says RAW DATA FEEL with some truly choice glow in the dark bric-a-brac on there as well, and my heart was so warm aaaaaah. fwiendship :) Also spotted in the pre-doors queue were the Pizza Boy costumed guy and a woman I met at Foals in 2019?? who I guess automatically recognizes me because of the green hair, but just. omg. the community!!!! I'm dying!!!!!!

There was a slight will-call kerfuffle that nevertheless did not stop me from being dead center dead at the front right in front of where jonathan's mic was destined to be, and I was like. god. here we go. the home stretch. This was ABSOLUTELY the WORST place to be to be pretending to be interested in pierre's set, because he kept looking straight at me and dog I gotta admit four shows in I was feeling pretty tired. like, the energy of E E Itself was going to fully reinvigorate me, but nearly everything else on the planet was like totally disinteresting and I wasn't really up for it, especially when it's my semi-sex-repulsed ace-spectrum ass being just really put off by the suggestive gyrations of a performer that is not to my tastes. UM SORRY BYE HAHA. they didn't even play the one song I kind of liked. I managed to miss like two and a half songs of his set being still locked in the merch line at least lmao. literally WHILE I WAS STANDING IN THE MERCH LINE they sold out of the yellow shirt and I couldn't get me and francis matchies so I had to get them the black instead :( but thankfully they still had the one Adrian wanted because idk what I would have done if I had to scramble for a plan B with him on short notice haha. and I had EXACTLY enough cash for the two shirts left from the day before and I was paying Tour Manager Sam with it like oh my gosh I'm so sorry this is like my sweaty pocket cash from last night this is kinda gross and she was just like, No actually that's honestly exactly how I've been rolling as well and it is kind of gross so like agreed hahaha. She's the best. Idk how long she'll be tenured to them but I'd love to see her continue to exist in like their coterie moving forward. impeccable vibes.

also used merch waiting as a way to distribute more bracelets and get a drink of water! WOOHOO NOW I AM READY TO RECEIVE MY COMMUNION THANK YOU. they put the setlists down and there was a very small fraction of me that wanted to avert my eyes but like I. I had to know. and annika said yes there are new songs in the list. and I peered into the list and my song was there.

hey guys. hey guys? look, this was for me. I have to be honest with you. i manifested this. by being annoying on twitter. by being god's specialest costume-making donut-gifting bracelet-slinging weirdo. I'm owning it and it's mine. I was exactly EXACTLY right with "well, if they put Engine Room in they'll probably take Leviathan out, because they'd kind of fill the same role of slow moody song in the set, and then they'll probably swap in a different non-Man Alive song to compensate for Engine Room being there instead," and this is exactly what happened, and so then not only did I get Engine Room but I also got REGRET, WHICH IS ALSO AN EMILY THREEPWILLOW PLIABLE HEAD SONG, BECAUSE HERE THESE NERDLORD KINGSHIT BANDBOYS ARE IN MY GODDAMN BACK YARD, they're in my house and god it took me the whole fucking set up to then to just prepare, like I had to try not to think about it so I could enjoy what was right in front of me. God it was so fucking, fucking good. our position along the stage had Alex's stuff REALLY forward in the mix which was kind of new for me, but jon was just right there and every time I lifted my hands to dance and to yearn it was like, the only thing stopping me from touching you is my own sense of propriety and not any kind of physical barrier or distance, and the person immediately behind me was seeing the band for the first time and felt similarly about NOTLK as I did to Engine Room and those two songs were literally back to back in the set so we kind of screamed and cried and died together, I gave her a huge hug, and LOL SORRY NOT SORRY THAT I GOT MY KZ AND LEVIATHAN TAKEN OUT OF THE SETLIST FOR Y'ALL, PITTSBURGH, I DO FEEL KIND OF BAD BUT THIS WAS UMMM IMPORTANT TO ME, THANK YOU, goodbye. goodbye I left the planet. I thought I was going to cry and I nearly did but I didn't, but I did actually maybe start hyperventilating. like I'm glad I knew it was coming ahead of time because if it had been a full surprise I think whatever was happening to my lungs would have been exponentially worse and I may have even fainted.

(which, btw: jonathan. jon. when he came out on stage, he almost immediately got his mic cable caught on the edge of where his setlist was taped down, and in jerking it around, he whipped the setlist up off the floor and way upstage toward where Pete was; when he finally put it to rights and taped it back down, he just left it where it was at, far enough away from me that I definitely could not read it anymore; and like DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE? TO MOVE IT OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT, TO MAYBE KEEP ME FROM READING IT? SURELY YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT I'D ALREADY SEEN IT LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO. NICE TRY BUT IT'S TOO LATE I SAW EVERYTHING. i love him. i'm in physical pain.)

knowing this was my final one, I went so, so, incredibly hard, I let myself dance and mosh and scream and take way more pics and videos than I had before, I leaned on the lip of the stage, I had an absolute fucking blast. When the set was over a few other people who were more strategically positioned (i.e. people who had not had their most easily accessible setlists unceremoniously yoinked several feet away) snatched up the closest ones way quick; there was a general tension in the crowd at being able to see jon's, but it being further away out of reach, and one ballsy-ass kid (the "Kevin" person who'd accompanied the pizza boy person) actually clambored up onto the stage and ninja'd over and took it for himself, which inspired two copycats to do the same for some discarded guitar picks (and all of which definitely provoked a very loud, unimpressed, authoritative barking of "HEY!!!" from some security somewhere, like, they definitely shouldn't have done that!! yikes!!!!). I, instead, very patiently waited for an opportune moment to get the attention of their short king guitar tech as he was running around doing teardown, and someone else flagged him first and got pete's setlist, and in my final moments I got him to get me mike's. Gang, I'm gonna be real with you, I was not leaving my Pittsburgh hometown show in which they played Leave The fucking Engine Room without a setlist. there would've been blood or at the very least tears. so like. thank god lmao. Satisfied, we got some water and then headed out!!!

It was a long, chilly wait for the boys outside--god, the chilliness was REFRESHING, though, it's October for crying out loud, and DC and Philly and NY had all been muggy sweaty hot with no need for even long pants, much less a jacket, but I was glad I'd had the forethought to wear my flannel around my waist to cover up the YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT printed around the ass of my shorts on my walk over to deter questions, lmfao. We easily identified the spot on the side of the venue where we assumed the guys were coming out, it was all just a matter of time. (AG and I getting some confusing-to-parse messages from Becky? Idk my phone was SUPER dying so I was trying to leave it on airplane as much as possible, I didn't even make it to the end of the night, RIP needing to use my map all day in the car and even with it plugged in spending more than I was juicing of the battery. Listen i needed PICS and VIDEOS!!) I saw Jon first, and he almost looked past me before spotting me there because I was pretty close to the corner of the block, and I just stared at him, and said, May I hug you. and he said, of course! and I hugged him so long and so hard just like, thank you, I was extremely emotional then and I'm also getting extremely emotional now just typing about it, and he was like omg haha what for? Coming to your town? and I was like coming to my town and playing my SONG!!! And then he said something with the tone of a snarky teasy joke but that was like flusteringly truthful underneath about them legitimately rearranging the set quite a lot for me, and I have not stopped screaming internally since then, and Jeremy joked that I'd just seen the exact same set three times and they felt they ought to give me at least something new ha ha ha but like it wasn't entirely a joke, and I just don't even know how to process this. i am perishèd in the soil. anyhow.

I wanted both my setlist and my Supernormal EP vinyl signed by all the boys, and I managed this with relatively little doing ("A deep cut!" jeremy remarks of the supernormal, haha), but I didn't want to be crowding them and getting in the way of other people getting lad time, so I kind of took a backseat and just talked when the time was right, but Jon did kind of keep wanting to talk to me. We talked about the new song, and we talked about the donuts I sent over--oh my GOD, because I was like, they're from that place over there, you can see the big neon donut sign from here! haha, and he was like dyou know what, I knew that's where they were from, because I went over there earlier in the day and got one for myself, I got a huckleberry one and I came back with it and everyone was like, what's that, they were very jealous, and then not too long after that this box of loads of them just shows up-- And like I am a donut fairy psychic wizard. Also everyone who is ever in Pittsburgh should go to Oliver's donuts and eat their fabulously good products. I will shill for them literally any day of the week. This is the second band I have given Oliver's to this year. I cannot be stopped. ANYWAY. i honestly almost could have written that prediction on an envelope and sealed it, that they'd end up wandering in there on their own only for me to send them some too. i was so tickled that jon got the huckleberry one because it's their signature flavor and it's SO PINK and allegra and I had just decided the night before that jon higgs is hot pink coded. like, in the universe where they are dyeing their hair multicolors for the lore. anyhow. it's good shit.

i had SO much fun after this show, even though it was so chilly and dark and we were scrungling around on a literal street corner outside a wine and spirits store, I was like holding people's things so they could get pics and signatures, I was showing off my supernormal booty shorts, I was talking to Jon about lore----- ohhh, my god, I had exactly two bracelets left when the night was over, literally the end of my stash, and it was one Final Form FIRST BODY LAST BODY that I said, y'know, I'm going to save this for my bestie francis when I send them the shirt, because that's the lyric I wanna get a tattoo of, and it'll match with my PLIABLE HEAD bracelet, and it'll be another sort of besties matching thing; and my one lone AKON IN THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE bracelet that remained, where I'd kind of said, well, if this one doesn't find the right home tonight, then at the end of the night I'm going to give it to Jon too. So I dug in my bag and passed it off, and he was like "what does this one say.... kon... Akon... Akon in the house--what is--OH AND THERE'S A LITTLE BUTTERFLY ON THERE, God--" and he was GRINNING and he was SO TICKLED BY IT and Jez chimed in with just like "The attention to detail--" and Jon was like "this is my favorite one actually," he LOVED IT AND I WAS SO CHARMED AND EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT, and then he offered me up something like "you kno-ow, this, the song, of this, there's actually a reference to it in something, something you've never heard-- and--that you never will," doing his cryptic Jon troll grin, "the one thing that didn't make it," with the implied end of that sentence being "onto the album," and 'album' in this case being implied to be Raw Data Feel, which they have very publicly said that for once was an album where they just put everything on and didn't cull any songs or reserve any bonus tracks to release later or whatever. So I said, "Oh, from the one that we've been told had no cuts...?" also not explicitly saying RDF, and his answer to that was vague/nondescript enough but was probably an affirmative, but then he did follow that up with "that's lore that's SO far down the line, WAY WAY out there," and god, just, how deep does this man's brain and nonsense even fucking go. how far into the future is there LORE. BOTTOMLESS!!! I am obsessed with him. i cannot stress enough how blorbo he is to me.

The shorts came back up in conversation too ("Sorry, let me just look quite closely at your ass for a moment--" "It's okay, the shorts are designed that way--") and him saying, yeah, we do talk about some of the costumes still, and then segueing into asking if I had plans for this year and what I was doing, and I said, maybe, I'm not sure if I want to tell you, and he said, Is it to do with us, and I said, Neither confirm nor deny, and he said, Well if it's not, then, I want to know, with kind of a 'duh' tone ahahaha because like true there would be no reason to be coy if it was nothing to do with E E at all, and I explained that like I kind of have to have two costumes ("of course you do."), WELL because y'know the E E ones don't really play to or land with the general populace (a very cheeky "No!") so I have, just, one that's for going to parties, and one that's for fucking around on the internet. He seemed to find that acceptable hahaha.

Anyway what I REALLY wanted with wearing the Supernormal shorts was a group pic of all five of us normal frontways, and then a group pic of all five of us facing backward/ass to the camera a la the picture of them outside the White House, where you could see the goof of my shorts but also all of their butts, but this was an ABSOLUTE DISASTER TO DO when it was so dark that phone cameras were taking everything long-exposure, and also they'd all had just enough beer to not really be following on what the bit was. Absolute shit results on the backwards pic because I couldn't, y'know, see to coordinate it, because I had my back turned. (Me yelling, "Not just MY butt, EVERYONE'S butts, come on!!" into the streets of Lawrenceville.) Utter failure. Didn't care. I love these fucking guys. The vibe was finally kind of winding down, closing-time energy, the guys still had to get on the bus to Boston right away even with tomorrow being their day off, it was a Boston day off and not a Pittsburgh day off where I could offer them free ice cream sadly, so they all sort of bowed sweetly out. Jon gave me his like, I Am Part Of The Band clearance ID badge from the venue, kind of out of nowhere, he was like "sorry this is all I have to give you, it's the least I could do," and I was like WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN ME SO M-- YOU COULD DO WAY LESS ??? but I guess now I have that, too. I tried to give him the King Of Oil sign from my fatberg costume, which I'd initially brought because I thought it would be a fun photo taking prop but the photo situation was the aforementioned disaster so that never really came to any fruition at all, so I was just going to gift it to them, and he said "My suitcase is already so full of so much random shit-- that you've given us--" and then right as he was leaving he just said "Thank you for being such a weirdo" with a voice full of all the kindness and affection in the world and I just yelled "ANY TIME!!" and then oh so tragically the night had to be over.

it's been nice, though, because I'm so used to driving the long drive home at the end of an adventure and having that signify the end, of getting to the end of the car ride and having nothing beyond that but the rest of my regular life; and this time, I drove all the way home, but when I got there, the adventure was still happening, right in my neighborhood, right down the street, and all I had to do was walk back home alone in the dark and climb into my own bed at the end of a long and beautiful night. i can already tell that this is going to be one of my most special memories basically forever, and now every time I drive or ride the bus to and from work each day I will be passing by the place where Everything Everything performed Leave The Engine Room for me, and that's so profoundly special that I don't even have words to describe it. I love this band, I love the people in it and I love the people its gravity pulls in to orbit around it, I'm just so goddamn happy. I don't even know what to say or how to end this.

[trashmouth-richie]

TWIN FLAMES: 14

twin flames masterlist

WARNING: mentions of homelessness, rough times etc

W.C 3.5k

A/N: guess who’s back…. Back again. Sorry this took so long!!! 🫣

Oh my god. What happened to him? Why is he living on the streets?! Tears prick at your eyes as you frantically run to him, discarding the bags in your arms. “Eddie! Eddie! Are you okay?” You remove the vest from his head and move aside his blonde matted hair.

A mixture of suntanned, leathery burnt skin stares at you, “Hey this mine! Git yer own!” The appearance shocks you, it wasn’t him. This poor man was not your Eddie.

Your heart breaks for a second time. The temporary tape on your heart mending it together in hopes that this poor man was in fact Eddie, is now peeling back faster than a greedy child opening a Christmas present. You were upset but needed answers. The vest meant that Eddie was here at some point in time and either lost it or donated it, but you could hardly think that he would give it away.

“Wh-where did you get the vest! It’s my friends—where did you find it?!” you ask angrily, your mother trying to drag you back from him by your upper arms.

“Found it, fair ‘n square! Out by the motel off’d the innerstate. Jus layin’ there.”

“Thank you sir,” your mother says, cautiously handing him a $20 bill.

She guides you away, holding you and the bags as you cry into her shoulder. What happened to him? Was he hurt? Injured? Lying in a hospital somewhere? Dead? Where the fuck is he?

The ride home is quick considering your hysterical crying ended up with you involuntarily falling asleep against the window, waking to find that your mom was just pulling into the driveway. The ache behind your eyes is too much, pressing into your head like coiled springs in a mattress—ready to spring free from the weight of your tears and anguish. Throwing yourself out of the car you gather the shopping bags and head inside, your mother quick on your heels.

“Honey, are you— are you alright?” She asks, eyebrows knitted with worry shoulders sagging in defeat.

You shake your head back and forth slowly, letting the weight of today consume you again as a sob racks your entire body. “I just need to lay down,” you blubber through an overflow of tears. She nods and takes the bags out of your hands, guiding you through the front door and watching you rush up the stairs to your room. Flopping onto you bed, your mind spirals out of control.

Why? Why did he leave? Why did he run to Indianapolis? Is he okay?

A thousand questions split your head, scattering around it like lightning breaking against a blackened sky. Your heart aches for him, it feels like it’s in a blender, swirling around, breaking down its soft edges, making it a bloody valve smoothie. The love you had for him was deeper than anything you’ve ever felt, it wasn’t a first kind of love all pristine and painted with daisies. This love was deeper than that. The fact that he was gone now and you not only didn’t know where he was but he possibly wasn’t safe. The thought of Eddie dead, lying somewhere on a cold street alone, body twisted and broken made you want to puke. No thinking now. You run to the connected bathroom and puke again and again until there is nothing left. Tears cloud your vision as the memories of just weeks ago in this very bathroom invade your head.

[Lighting a few candles and moving your essentials from the shower over to the edge of the tub, you turn out the lights. You remove your panties and Eddie his socks, the only clothing he had remaining. Eddie climbs in and you climb in after him, wedging yourself between his long skinny legs, leaning back against him.

This is paradise. The soft flicker of the candles casting dancing shadows against the walls in the bathroom. Eddie is humming along to music only he can hear. He lifts your left arm up and strums a guitar on your stomach moving his left fingers frantically across your arm for the frets. He sings in your ear. ]

A smile breaks across your lips at how simple things were in that moment, how desperately in love with you he was. His simple touches, feeling of his hands in your hair. The memory now feeling like a drunken night, remembering patches of the truth, a black out of if this really happened or not. He was everywhere, all around you. There wasn’t a single place in your home that a ghost of him didn’t surround. You needed him, didn’t he need you? Didn’t he love you anymore? Didn’t he care about all the times you had in the short amount of time you two had known, loved, and cared for one another. The passion behind your love, the twin flames energy bringing you both together, fighting to stay together, for you love to last. Was that all for nothing? Steve going to rehab, Mike Wheeler shooting Billy?! All of that was for him to just up and leave? Cast you aside like a used condom? Wash away all of his feelings for you in the rain that night as he screamed and was tortured by his own demons, projecting them onto you? No. You needed answers and you needed them now.

You wipe your mouth and stand up, looking at yourself in the mirror, you had seen better days. The hallows of your cheeks were deepened, the sparkle in your eye hadn’t been seen in months. You turn the sink on and splash some water onto your face. You grab your purse and immediately head down the stairs, pushing yourself faster to get your shoes on, get into your own car and drive to Hawkins, hoping to catch Wayne before he goes to work.

“…I mean it’s a lead right?” you flew to Hawkins in record time, catching Wayne right before he was getting ready to leave for work, explaining everything you had seen and what the homeless man told you.

Wayne rubs his scruffy beard, pacing around the small kitchen, “yeah it is, I’d put money on it. Goddamn boy, what the hell is he doing in Indianapolis?!”

“I’m going back, I’m gonna find him, Wayne and bring him home.”

“Darlin’ you can’t go alone.” Wayne protests, “I swear if anything happened to you, your daddy’d kill me, and I’d never forgive myself. Let me make a few calls and we will go together.” He leans forward quickly standing on his feet and making his way to the old phone hanging from the wall.

Wayne calls his work and tells them he won’t be in. You had both agreed to take your car since there was more room. “I’m gonna fill your car up quick, call your folks and let ‘em know what’s going on, I don’t want them thinking that you ran off too, they don’t want to know what that feels like.” He blinks back tears and grabs one of many caps hung by the door.

After calling your parents and explaining to them that you were going with Wayne to look for Eddie, your father had agreed to call anyone he knew in Indianapolis to keep an eye out for him. You decided to call Gareth, the only other person who might know Eddie better than you or Wayne. All of you together knowing Eddie on different levels.

Gareth had agreed to go with, almost giddy at the opportunity. He rushed down to the Forest Hills Trailer Park on his bike, the wind whipping between the tufts of the moppy honeyed curls on his head.

“Did you see anything else?” Gareth pipes up from the passenger seat. You were crammed in three across the single cab of Wayne’s pick up chugging along to Indianapolis.

“Just the vest, and the motel the guy mentioned.”

“God what the hell man?” Gareth snips, “Sorry, Mr. Munson.” Gareth checked, an awkward look upon his face.

Wayne shoots a glance over at Gareth, shrugs and says, “have you met Eddie? He isn’t exactly Mr. Proper.”

Gareth laughs, “I mean I get you guys broke up or whatever but he didn’t just leave you, he left all of us. Corroded Coffin, Hellfire Club— like none of it mattered to him, I’m gonna kick his ass when we find him.”

“Might have to beat Wayne to get to him first.” you smile softly as you look straight ahead, a smirk jumps across Wayne’s face.

You were so wrapped up in the way that you were hurt by Eddie that you hadn’t even given it a thought on how anyone else but you and Wayne were hurting from his disappearance. He abandoned everyone who loved him in Hawkins, anyone who had ever cared for him. It was sad, and you weren’t the only one who was clearly upset about it.

The drive wasn’t long, your car adding to the soft hums of some oldies radio station Wayne had insisted on listening too. The closer and closer you got to Indianapolis, the more worried you became, “Off the interstate?” Wayne asked, rubbing his scruffy beard.

You nod your head yes and intake a big breath. “What if—what if I’m wrong Wayne?” Tears threatening to spill over your lashes, as you wring the denim of your shorts. Gareth looks out the window, shuffling uncomfortably.

Deep in thought, Wayne tapped his fingers along the steering wheel. ���We’ll just keep looking if that’s the case.” He smiles unconvincingly and turns his eyes back to the road.

The last thing you wanted to do was give Wayne false hope. He was hurting more than you were, impossible as that seems. The thought of burrowing a senseless hope for finding Eddie in Wayne made you physically sick.

The outline of the shady motel peered into view as Wayne craned the wheel into the parking lot, throwing the car in park and looking around at the office. “Well, this must be it,” Wayne says, peering out of the window. Neon lights of the motel were flickering. The parking lot was desolate, Eddie’s van nowhere in sight. Your stomach drops. “Let’s uh—let’s go find out what we can.”

Heavy footsteps move you all closer to the office following Wayne as Gareth trails behind you. The hotel was nearly run down, yellowing wallpaper sagging from the office walls, a fat lazy orange cat lays on the stained desk. Dying plants hung from the ceiling, decaying leaves scattered on the floor beneath them. A short brittle old woman with oversized glasses and a two pack habit thumbed through the yellow pages. Cigarette with a mile long ash hanging on for dear life. “Excuse me, ma’am?” Wayne asks with a stern voice, “have you seen a guy in here, about 20, longer brown hair, probably had a guitar?” He asks, “drives a two-toned van?”

The older woman thinks for a while, picking tuna from her teeth, “Room 38,” she said tossing Gareth a key, “and if you see him, you let him know that he owes for this passed week, and I’ll sell whatever he has in there if he doesn’t come back and clean up that mess!”

“Wait, what do you mean if we see him?” Gareth asks, “isn’t he here?”

“No idea, haven’t seen anyone go into or out of that room for about three days now.” She scowls, petting the cat as she feeds it the rest of a sad looking tuna sandwich.

“Thank you ma’am,” Wayne says politely, a slump to his broad shoulders as he heads out the door, hanging his head as he walks. The feeling of dread radiates through your body and pulls on your heart as you move toward Room 38. The broken slabs of sidewalk leading from the office to the door of room 38 are anything but comforting, the ‘3’ hanging on the door is held up by the bottom nail through the number, hanging slanted and upside down. Wayne quickly unlocks the door, eyes large as he shoves the door open.

The pay phone outside of Club Z barely worked, cords hanging on by threads, the receiver cracked and busted, more than likely broken from one too many slams against the pole it rested on, heartbreak on one end, drunken slob of a man on the other. Fumbling with a quarter he fits it into the slot, hammering the number he had memorized. Trying like hell to stand up.

He had tried so hard. So fucking hard to make this work, why wasn’t it working for him? Plenty of people left Hawkins and ended up fine, great even, why couldn’t he? He couldn’t get you out of his head. It was you who he saw when he closed his eyes at night, every single night since he left. The reality of his predicament weighing heavy on his mind, and his heart.

When it happened he just thought it was a stroke of bad luck. People get mugged in big cities all the time right? He would just have to get used to it, the busted up face? Nothing he hadn’t dealt with before. Only this time you weren’t there with him. He continued on like always, trying to sweet talk the manager of the club into letting him play a song, asking the band who did play that night if they needed an extra guy on vocals or bass. Only to be laughed out of the club entirely. But alas, he had kept his head up. Things weren’t good but they certainly weren’t the worst. He still had a little bit of money from selling some of his extra amps. A couple cans of spaghetti o’s could last him two days if he planned it out right.

And he could have kept going, could have made it—wouldn’t have been standing here clinging to the phone and trying to keep from falling over. If it hadn’t happened again.

The second mugging he was sure his ribs were broken, he wasn’t sure how many were broke, but it was difficult for him to breathe. The wound in his leg was festering and in desperate need of attention, but he didn’t care. He had lost all hope at this point, only finding thinking of you made the pain hurt a little bit less, like the blood pumped slower when he concentrated on your face, made him stop thinking about all the bad shit that continued to happen to him since he had been gone.

He was at a stoplight thumbing his fingers along to ‘For Whom The Bell Tolls’ when it happened. They came out of nowhere, whether he was too naive to see it, or simply wasn’t paying any attention, he had been blind sighted, punched in the head, and pulled hard out of the van, kicked into the ribs by at least two pairs of heavy boots, and then the final stab to the leg, ensuring he wouldn’t get up to chase them. As if that would be something he would do. They took the van and everything in it, some of his clothes, the last little bit of money to his name, and more importantly, his guitar. He was left bleeding in the street, blood painting the asphalt like a sidewalk artist with chalk.

That was two nights ago. And it has taken two full days to get back to this goddamn pay phone. He originally wanted to get back to the motel, possibly take a shower, lay in bed and then make his phone call, but he couldn’t make it that far. His energy was depleted. He just had a few numbers to punch in and then he could sit down. He wouldn’t hang up this time, he would wait for you to answer— you always did. He was just too chicken shit to say anything. But this time he needed you, needed help. Punching the last digit to your number Eddie felt woozy, closing his eyes and leaning back against the pay phone, not realizing his body is slipping down, fading into the sidewalk.

“Jesus.” Gareth muttered when the door to Eddie’s motel flung open. A quick scan of the room obviously revealed that he wasn’t there, but that he had been here at some point in time. The wallpaper was peeling from the wall in the corners, roof damage presented itself with pools of brown stains on the ceiling tiles. The shag carpet was coming up and tumbled in places that the adhesive no longer stuck to. The brass decorations clashed heavily with the warm copper and rust colored drapes and bedding.

Empty cans of spaghetti o’s and beer littered every surface, a carton of milk sat opened on top of the mini fridge, dirty socks, various band shirts and boxers littered the floor along with dozens of scraps of paper. Some just doodles of creatures from DnD others were song lyrics, scrawled across the pages in every which direction. A notebook and pen lay on the unmade bed, the mattress itself lay crooked on the mattress. Empty cigarette packs and a single guitar pic were on top of the tv. The room smelled like him, cigarettes and a hint of weed mixed with some cheap cologne. The nightstand held a telephone, a full ashtray and a book of matches. It was a mess. No wonder the old lady at the desk was pissed, it had looked like a tornado had come through here destroying everything in its wake and projectile vomiting it in complete and utter disarray.

“Let’s look for any signs of where he could be,” you decide, fumbling through the papers on the floor. Gareth started looking in the bathroom, finding nothing but strings of Eddie’s long mane stuck in the shower drain and crawling onto the sink like long legged spiders. Wayne looked through the pairs of jeans on the floor, searching the pockets for any scrap he could find. You adjusted the bed and took a seat reading through the scrawl of Eddie’s handwriting, laughing at how terrible it was.

The lyrics were full of pain, sorrow, the dark pits of despair of being alone. They were heartbreaking mostly because they were all about you. You didn’t have time for this right now, you quietly fold the papers and stuff them into the pockets of your shorts, wiping the tears away as quickly as they fall. Gareth fumbled around with his jean pockets, looking for a lighter, “anyone got a lighter?” He grumbles. You pick up the matches next to the table and toss them towards him, “gracias,” he chides.

“Holy fuck, holy fuck!” Gareth screams as he runs towards Wayne.

Wayne puts a calloused hand over his heart, “Christ you’re gonna give me a heart atta—”

“Look! Look!” Gareth is waving around the matches, like a child winning tickets at a fair. Wayne looks at the matches and grins, he tosses them to you. Printed on the back reads:

Club Z

Indianapolis, IN

‘Open 24 hrs’

Running to the office to get a phone book to find the address, Wayne and Gareth lock up Eddie’s room and start the car. You write the address down as quick as you can, getting a quick direction of where the club was from the older lady—you hurry back to the car.

Gareth sits in the passenger seat as you climb into the back Wayne wastes no time, speeding down the road to the direction of the club.

He’s swimming towards you. The closer he thinks he is the further away you get. Something's not quite right. Each time his head breaks the surface you’re standing exactly where he just was, waving him towards you, calling out to him. He tries again, but the same thing keeps happening. He’s pulled under the water, his lungs feel like they’re collapsing. He needs to breathe. He opens his mouth and takes a deep breath, expecting the taste of chlorine to fill his mouth instead it’s the sweet scent of vanilla icing, a hint of smoke, and Doritos.

His eyes flash open, and your face comes into view. Tears are dripping down his face but they aren’t his. He must be dreaming, how are you here in front of him.

“He’s awake! Wayne! He’s awake,” sobbing is heard from further away, but Eddie pays no attention to it. Only focusing on your face smiling at him, is this heaven?

Or is this hell? Surely you wouldn’t have come to get him, you wouldn’t have drove here to find him. How did you find him? No this is a fucking joke, a sick satanic dream. You didn’t want him, not after everything he put you through. Not after the way he treated you— left you at the end of your driveway crying like that in the rain. There’s no fucking way. This isn’t real, he needs to wake up. But you’re looking right at him and crying. So he must be dead. Your voice is fading in and out. He closes his eyes and paints a mental picture of your face behind his lids, a time when you were happy, a time when you were his.

Taglist: @munson-blurbs @gathered-moss @boomhauer @b-irock @sidthedollface2 @big-ope-vibes @syrennna @idkidknemore @creoleguurl @manda-panda-monium @tlclick73 @munsonficdump @brittney69 @strngrlytn @chloe-6123 @sweetsouthernbitchery @basketcaseeeeee @x-lunagirl-x @eddiemunsonshellfirebitch @trixyvixx @chelebelletx @lacrymosa-24 @nevermore66 @aysheashea @secretdryrose @punkwitchcosplay @chychy6

[katzirra]

I don't think job applications should be so mentally taxing, and yet. I think it has become the gymnastics of too good to be true scam searching, having to geolocate places and hunt for info where places are, doing surveys and questionnaires, wondering who wants a cover letter, and knowing I have no college experience and that AI is reading your resume and weeding you out - it feels defeating. I'm gonna feel like a massive failure if I go back to retail because I grew to hate it personally so fucking much. I truly don't like customer service. I don't. People are terrible since Covid and I'm not equipped for it.

Busy day today. Becca is in NYC for a week with her dad, so it's just me and the boooys. Might be nice to just.... not think about another human for a week tbh. As much as I will miss her.

Took her in, played some Unicorn Overlord, got a shower in, went to dinner with the Chicago family that was in town for I guess my uncle is a MLB coach now?? Few years now?? Came home and did some cleaning, did my six applications, and played more Unicorn Overlord lol

My nieces and nephews wanna come over and have a drawing party tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. I am gonna be pulled in four directions all day lol and they're gonna fight over who shows me what etc. Stress, but amusing stress.

They wanna play Mario Kart and maybe party, we'll see there lol

Gonna start my day with a smoothie and eggs unù do an app or two and get them at like 2 lol

TRYING TO MAKE TIME FOR MYSELF THIS MONTH BECAUSE I'M DYING INSIDE FROM STRESS

[penneferofvenerburg]

Believing Part 2

Taglist: @evansabove1981 @eddiesquinnsworld @elizabetharegina @littlefreya @henrycavillfan @resowrites @cavillsthighs @confessionbrain-writings @angryschnauzerwrites etc)

Title: Believing 

Warning- Fluffy Soft Henry! 

******************************************************************

Henry's house was a wonderland, you found yourself wondering about the house often when Henry was busy elsewhere, when he saw you in his hobby room roaming the books of Warhammer 40,000 his smile could not have been more evident if he tried to disguise it. " what are you doing bunbun"? Henry's voice starled you, hurriedly you placed the book  back on the shelf though he saw you struggling. " Sweetling here you'll hurt yourself"! Henry gently took the book from your hands your fingers nearly touching, as they did the night before. Henrys biceps bulged as he bent upward to place the book back in his place. " Well darling y/n you are full of surprises aren't princess"! Henry guided you with his large warm on the small part of your back, " yes I guess I am …. Though I'm learning more and more from you it would seem"! You repiled. Henry unlocked the cabinet and reached in to retrieve one of the figures that he had painted, " here we go bunbun! Hold out your hand"! He gently instructed you, you obeyed. " how long have you been doing this"? You asked somewhat hesitantly, " ooh since I was Ten! How long have you been interested in it"? Henry questioned kissing your nose as you stood looking at the Warhammer figure with wondrous eyes, " since you mentioned it in the interview with Flisha Day what was it Netflix geeked"! His smile broaded, " woah look at you love proper nerd you aren't you Darling"! You kept your eyes trained on the tiny figure in the palm of your hand, Henry's eyes were trained on you as you carefully looked at the figure, " Darling! You're abit pale! Have you eaten at this morning"? Henry asked concerned for your health. You shocked your head ashamed that you hadn't, " why not bunbun? You're more than welcome to do something eat …. Sweetling the last thing I want is you being in A&E now how about we go downstairs and get you that late then we take Kal out for his walk hmm"! Henry told you he was always more concerned about your physical health let alone your mental health, at the moment your mental health was surviving only by having him in it. Eventually after a silence you admitted. " I guess I was too nervous"! You admitted. 

Henry Cavill was a sweetheart, and the way he was with you knew how sweet he was, " Darling! Let's get you downstairs"! Without word he lifted you into his arms, you had gotten used to him carrying you about the house his house. He carefully carried you down the stairs he carried you rhoith the hallway into the kitchen sat you ontop of the Counter top, " how about I do you a orange and mango smoothie that's got plenty of nutrients in it"? Henry grabbed the milk and yoghurt and orange and mango from the fridge, he winked at you you giggled at him, you felt a soft black nose nudge your leg, " Hey Kal boy what you got there buddy? Ooh tug of war okay go easy though eh"! You told the atkita who wagged his tail at you. While henry was busy making you the smoothie you went to play with Kal. He heard his beloved atkita pulling the rope hard when you told him to go easy, " Kal gentle boy you don't want to hurt y/n do you"? Henry asked the atkita fluff ball barked at him as if to say no then he went back to playing with you. Eventually kal let go sighting the back door open you headed for it. 

Henry laughed at you as you raced past him with Kals rope in your hand, " Steady darling"! Henry shouted after you as bounds down the garden, the fluffy bear looked everywhere for you. " kal come boy" (whistles) the atkita saw you and bounded toward you jumping to grab the rope. " get it boy get it come on roarrr"! Henry stood at the back door watching you play with his dog he couldn't get over how happy you were….. he giggled then then blended stopped. Pouring the finished smoothie into a glass he took outside and placed it on the table. Henry took one of the ratten chairs and sat in it watching you play happily. Shortly after the dog, he took a sip of his cold coffee, he lat back folding his arms over his chest, Kal came to his side " you gave up boy eh y/n worn you out"! Henry smiled at you, he reached for your hand kissing it. " my Sweetling"! Henry smiled at you his blue eyes shone as though he'd seen stars. " what did you just call me"? You asked him in some surprise, you didn't pull your hand away Henry amiled at you and relates what he'd said " i called you my Sweetling"! Henry told you. 

" oh Henners I haven't been this happy in a long time"! You confessed, " and I for one do not want to end my Lady"! Henry kissed your hand again. After having a day with this man you wondered how you could ever leave him. " I don't want to leave ….. this is my happy place"! Henry beamed at you. " is it now angel? Well in that case you shall never leave me. I shall make the spare room into your hobby room darling so you feel out until your heart's content darling"! You smiled at the thought. " you wouldn't"! You chuckled, " oh yes I would"! Henry smiled, wrapping you in his huge bear-like hug. 

It was hard to escape the infectious enthusiasm that Henry always had about him, you somewhat forgot about the job and began to see him as the man not the actor sure you were still a fan of him but now it turned to something more than just fangirl it turned into being more housemate than fangirl and favourite celebrity situation going on.

" would you really turn it into a hobbyhole for me"? You asked him, staring up at him with your neck craning backward, Henry nods with a show stopping smile " yes I've told you darling I'll do it so the next time we have one if these again you've got it for when your ready to use it and you can have your own little fantasy bookshelf"! Henry concluded. 

You couldnt wait for the next time you came over to his, " Right hows about we take Kal out for that walk because hea dying to have you come along aren't you budd eh"! Henry piped up as the fluffy atkita came up and starting rubbing himself against Henry's leg. There you are with Henry and Kal the two most gorgeous boys in your universe you gave Kal a fuss " is that right Kal you want me to come too"? You asked the atkita,  Kal wagged his tail. " Alright then come on fluff ball"! You joked as you and the dog bounded out the room and downstairs shuffling on your shoes. 

You knew which of leads Henry used it was the blue one, with the green doggy baggy thingy on it. " Sweetheart hes far to heavy for you"! Henry whined at you, " You chuckled. " Are you comparing me to a dog now"? Henry asked, you raised an eyebrow at him. " Maybe"! Came your answer. 

The three of you set our for the Park where Henry usually walked Kal in the morning, " You never told me what your favourite film was, when your growing up". Henry countered, as he held tour hand with Kal at the side of him, " my favourite film blimey hard one its between Toy Story and Titanic"! Came your answer. " crikey twice very different films there ooh why Toy story"? Henry asked as you walked along, there was not one camera in sight, " I don't know I guess because it was just fun thats all"!, " right so who was tour favourite character"?, " easy its Woody the cowboy"! You answred with a giggle. " what about Titanic who was your favourite in that one"? Henry asked again, " it was Rose actually I loved her Kate Winslet played her didnt she? With Leonardo DiCaprio you made a sick face. " Didn't you like him"? Henry asked, " God no too American for me …. I have to say I like my british boys better"! Henry smiled again and winked you. 

TBC ......

[thessalian]

Thess vs Spring

I know it’s late. I know I should be in bed. I just needed to get some shit ordered. There are going to be experiments.

Well, first of all, I wanted to get my gardening stuff ordered. I plan on actually growing some flowers this year, as well as rejigging the balcony herb garden. My Simon and Garfunkel Collection (literally parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme), my mint, and even my oregano survived all the cold snaps and are putting out new leaves, though I probably want to clear out some of the dead bits and repot. However, I do need to plant new basil, coriander (cilantro to those who name the leaf different from the seed), chives, and dill. Also new cayenne peppers and tomatoes. But I did want to do some flowers partly for being bee-friendly but mostly because I now have a pressure cooker and can make my own essential oils.

Okay, also I kind of want to make the balcony pretty, as well as useful.

Anyway, I also did the grocery shopping order. It won’t actually arrive until Tuesday, but when it does, I have plans. I mean, there’s the usual stuff for various bits of pasta and the like that I normally do, and I’m also going to be doing lamb dopiaza and aloo gobi again, but I also decided I was going to try a couple of new chicken dishes. One is chicken chasseur, which I thought sounded nice. The other is chicken adobo - a Filipino recipe that I got interested in trying courtesy @lindira. I mean, I know there’s a Filipino restaurant a fifteen minute or so bus ride away from my house, but gluten intolerance makes that a bit iffy, so I’m just going to make my own. I am very much looking forward to it, if partly for the Cooking With Spoons write-up.

I’m also going to be trying to make smoothies. It’s starting to get to that kind of season and anyway, it feels like a good way to get breakfast. It’s also a good way to get calcium and vitamin D, and the latter especially feels important given that I’m currently on another loading dose of vitamin D so clearly I’m not getting enough of that. And yeah, buying frozen berries and other fruits instead of just freezing my own feels like cheating, but I am not going to manage standing at the counter dicing up a whole bunch of mango etc, and also frozen berries are cheaper, so there we go.

We just had the time changeover, which means that in my brain it is officially getting on to spring. Hence the gardening kicking back off. A little later than last year, but given the cold snaps we had through bits of March, it’s just as well to wait a little. But by the first week of April, I will have seeds propagating and will probably be back to spamming people’s dashes with pictures of healthy seedlings. I would apologise but I’m not really sorry; I love my leafy babies.

Right. A nap would probably be a good idea. This is why I don’t work on Mondays; I get keyed up after D&D sessions and then I can’t sleep for hours. At least this way I use the time productively, I guess?

[iloveutoodeath]

hiii for the ask thingy ☺️ 1, 4, 8, 15, 16, 21, 23, 27, 28; 30

omg sorry i totally forgot i reblogged the ask game a while back 😓 hehe.. thank you for sending these!!! this got long so i added a read more lmao

1 -3 things you wish for- that i stop procrastinating the projects i wanna work on, that i can find a better job than my current one sometime this year, that my dogs could have the same lifespan as me

4 -3 topics you’d love to learn more about- well currently i’ve been reading all about numerology and i rly want to learn more and more about it lmao. and cinema in general has been a current obsession for the past couple years for me, i didn’t watch movies much when i was younger but now i just really really love to watch a movie, then look up and read ppl’s thoughts about it, and any stories about the making of process whether it’s about the costuming, special effects, filming process, or writing process, read up on the subject matter whether it’s based on a book or a historical setting, or reading about any actors that stood out to me.. idk just like anything that peaked my interest or curiosity while watching the film, anything to have a more firm and in depth grasp about the story and the people who worked on it. i especially love to read about silent films!!! but yea it’s a very fun process and there’s always more movies to watch amd learn about!! and i guess the third topic i want to learn more about is doll making lmao

8 -3 tv shows you never get bored of- tbh for this i’m gonna answer with some of my favorite animes bc that’s what i have a tendency to rewatch the most lmao: mob psycho 100, cowboy bebop, death note

15 -3 quotes that have a special place in your life- sorry the only thing that’s coming to mind is “ask me if i give a motherfuck ?!!” -zayn malik

16 -3 drinks youconsume the most- omg definitely water, matcha lattes/milk teas w boba/smoothies (i consider those basically the same drink but with varying degrees of frozenness lmao), and mint tea. i wanna give a special shout out to any mango flavored drinks tho, which given the opportunity i will always gravitate to but like this is too broad a category to fairly consider it my most consumed drink u know?.. lmao ♥︎

21 -3 things you’re passionate about- i’ve always been and always will be obsessed with self expression and the infinite ways that can manifest through a person, but for me personally the 3 expressions that fill me with the most love, inspiration, and passion are fashion, home decor, and the creation and curation of art(visual art, music, film, etc).

23 -3 songs you listen to while cleaning- brand new start- little joy, rehab- amy winehouse, when i was your man- bruno mars (i don’t rly listen to him lmao but this song is imprinted in my brain bc it would often play on the radio at closing at my first job and idk something about sweeping an empty fast food restaurant after hours while this song played felt so right)

27 -3 thing you wish you did more often- travel, go out with friends more, go to more concerts

28 -3 things you love cooking/baking- omg my current favorite dish to make is.. well i don’t have a name for it but it’s like fried/sauteed diced potatoes and i usually improvise it depending on what i have in my fridge to go with it and what flavor i’m craving. so it pretty much always includes potato, onion, and tomato, but it can also have mushrooms, eggs, any plant based protein (my faves are soy chorizo, those like…. vegan chicken strips idk what they’re actually called, or just chopped up veggie patties), peas, lentils, etc. and it can be seasoned pretty much any way but my faves are a tomato based sauce or something like butter and garlic. lmao idk it’s rly good and highly customizable. oh and i guess my other fave dishes to make are ramen (again super customizable) and a frittata or quiche if i’m feeling more ambitious and have the time :-))))!!!!!!!!!

30 -3 moments you’ll never forget- when my sister and i were teenagers we were once reenacting the helena music video and my sister was doing the helena ghost dance and at the end she let herself fall back onto the couch and the couch literally broke lmaoooooooo, like the wooden beam that was holding up the seat cushions literally snapped in two rip she didn’t get hurt or anything and i literally can’t listen to this song without hearing the loud crack of the wood in my head and dying of laughter. also when my childhood dog (a small little white poodle) jumped onto the dinner table and gobbled up a whole block of cheese in the 5 seconds my family and i looked away to look at a bird that was outside our window lmaoo, AND OF COURSE the absolute hysteria of the beginning my mcr show where gerard walked out wearing the cheerleader dress and holding the blowtorch!!!!!!

[littleharpethcrossfit]

Thursday, 17 October, 2024.

We are predicted to enjoy a cool, dry, 60 degree evening around the picnic table.

Early voting began Wednesday.

Warmup

3 Rounds

Weighted Squat Holds.....(25/15 Extended Plate)

30 Seconds Down.....30 Seconds Rest.

Strength

Back Squats

3 / 3 / 3 / 3 / 3 / 3

70 to 80% 1 Rep Max

Welp, there was a fine group, but no one took pictures, so I can't post results.

WOD

10 Rounds

3 Deadlifts.....(225/185/135)

10 KettleBell Swings.....(70/53/35)

10 Back Raises

30 Double-Unders.....(60 S.U.)

SCORE: Time

Same as above, great group, no results.

Cool Down:

Anyhow Dips 2 / 4 / 6 / 8 / 10

Note:

Average Dave, WG, Sammy D, Smoothie, Coach, Tom, Joe, were the boys. Alicia, Clara, Camille, Kayla, Kim, Elisa, Linda, Sandy were the girls. The scores were not posted, so you have to guess. My WOD time was 26 +.

The snacks brought were snacks. Crackers, cheeses, olives, carrots, tomatoes, hummus dip, crackers, cheeses, pepper jelly, crackers, cheeses, coconut cookies, etc. No pizza, no Chic fil A, no hamburger soup. Kayla brought her cell phone and left early.

There were only 4 wines originally and the management brought 3 of them. Tom brought the other and left without a sip. Not surprisingly, we ran out of wine and Paul/Smoothie/and WG went to the cellar and fetched another good zinfandel. Paul was told to not show up unless he was wearing an "I voted" sticker. He came wearing the sticker but carrying no wine.

Old Joe The Bird man was under Eye Doctors orders not to strain any muscles, so I gave him the job of tending the fire in the fire ring. I built the fire exclusively for Shannon who loves campfires, but she was absent. Old Joe did a superb job. I'm sad that Shannon missed it.

Saturday at 0930.

[sugirandom]

Sugi jobs update

Hello everyone, I just wanted to give you a short job update because man things are never boring at least.

So last Wednesday I gave Panera a week's notice. I know it seems a little bit short but my body is not liking me much with standing for five hours and making smoothies, etc. for customers. A few weeks back I had actually heard back from a virtual tutoring place I applied to that they were interested in hiring me. I took the training, which I just finished last Friday and due to what I'm guessing was an emergency opening they want to me to start already despite teaching normally starting after background checks (they said they have to sit in with me because of this, standard protocol).

So, I still have 4 days left at Panera to work and 2 (or 3? Depending on actual start date of classes) will be after I teach virtual classes. For now, I'm only signed up for 2 30-minute virtual sessions which won't be a lot of money but my hopes are once I get settled in that they'll offer me more classes, honestly they already were going to but those hours conflicted with my Panera work hours.

I'm a bit nervous because I'm new to their platform and they haven't given me all the info I need to plan the lessons yet but I'm going to do my best! I do think virtual tutoring will be easier on my body and help me get the energy to get back to marketing my voice acting once I've settled in to making lesson plans.

[umichenginabroad]

Week 2: Exploring Hermanus

Hey everyone! I have gotten more accustomed to life in Hermanus now that I have been here for over a week. This past week, I was able to start exploring the area a bit more and figure out transportation.

Visiting the Main Town Area

SANSA’s campus is outside of the main town area but it isn’t too far if we want to go into town. On Tuesday night last week a couple of students and I went out for dinner at a restaurant called Lemonicious which was near the riverfront area in Hermanus (in town). From talking to the other students, I found out that everyone mostly uses taxis or walks to go from one place to another since public transportation isn’t safe. There is a taxi service called Taki Taki whose number is posted in the communal kitchen so everyone uses them if they need a ride. We used them to get to the restaurant that night and we waited about 15 minutes for the driver to arrive. Since there is no app for this company, we cannot track them and sometimes the drivers have difficulty finding the location but usually there aren’t any issues. You can pay by cash or credit card which is convenient and they tell you the cost once you reach the destination. It took us only 10 minutes to get there and I had a great time learning more about South Africa from the other students. They told Aminata and me about what they’re researching as grad students, how life is in Hermanus, and in return, Aminata and I told them about life in America. It’s really funny because one of the students, Mihlali, is obsessed with Jack Harlow and kept asking us questions about him. We also played this game called 30 seconds where one person tries to describe a word and everyone else tries to guess the word. However, a lot of the words on the cards were related to South African pop culture and so it was difficult to guess what was being described. Sometimes we had the opposite happen where I would be describing something that was very popular in America but no one could guess it since they were from South Africa. It was really interesting to see how living in different countries can change what you're exposed to in terms of culture, food, clothing, etc. Also, I had prawn linguine here which tasted great :)  

Aminata and I also went into town on Saturday just to walk around and explore. This time, we decided to walk instead of booking a taxi. It took us about 30 minutes to reach town but it wasn’t too bad because we talked the whole way. We didn’t know each other at all until coming to SANSA so it was nice to get to know each other better. Once we were in town, we just walked on a path near the ocean and admired the views of both the ocean and the mountains in the distance. The first time we had been in town it was completely dark outside so we completely missed the amazing views near the riverfront area. After exploring a bit, we stopped and got gelato but it did not taste good at all since the cones were burnt; however, the rest of the trip was exciting and I was happy we had spontaneously decided to visit town that day. Here is some cool wall art I found in town.

Going to the Mall

There is a nice shopping mall located around a 7 minute drive from the SANSA campus. It is in the opposite direction of where the main town area is. We first went there to get our groceries since they have a huge grocery store called Checkers and we got a ride from one of the SANSA staff. The second time Aminata and I went to the mall, we wanted to walk since the weather was nice outside and again it was about a 30 - 40 min walk. This time, we did not go grocery shopping but we did go to a nice cafe/restaurant called Mugg and Bean. This place was recommended to us by some other students so Aminata and I wanted to try it. I got a vanilla latte and she got a ginger smoothie but I don’t remember the name. Both of our drinks were amazing so we will definitely be going back. After that we walked to another restaurant to have dinner and the sushi there was insanely good. There was this one roll - rock roll - that had salmon tempura and smoked salmon on the top and it was some of the best sushi I have ever had. Rock roll is on the left and rainbow roll on the right.

Hiking in Fernkloof Nature Reserve

Today, we went hiking in Fernkloof Reserve which is about a 12 minute drive from SANSA. We were able to book a taxi to take us to the visitor center. From there we found a trail that would take about two hours round trip and would take us up one of the mountains. It wasn’t too hot outside so the walk was comfortable and we saw a small waterfall at the beginning which got me really excited for the rest of the hike. I was amazed by the views of the other mountains next to us and the flora that grew everywhere. All the plants and flowers were very colorful and different from what I am used to seeing in the US. When we reached the top of the trail, we realized there was another trail that we could continue on to get to the very top of the mountain. Of course, we decided to keep going instead of coming back down. This trail took us another ~1 - 1.5 hours and then we were at the very top of the mountain. I was so happy we decided to keep going because the views from up there were so much better than what we saw before. On one side we could see Hermanus and the ocean while on the other side we could see grasslands, vineyards, and a couple of ponds (most likely man made). After taking a lot of pictures and fully enjoying the view we started walking down. There was only one problem - it was starting to get dark fast. We had started hiking around 2 and the sun sets around 5:30; it was already around 5 when we started walking back down. We hadn’t expected going on the second trail and thought we would definitely be down by 5:30. Once the sun set, we had to take out our phones to use as flashlights. It was a bit scary since the trail was narrow and super rocky so it was easy to slip and fall. On top of that, we could hear baboons in the distance and were worried they might attack us. The worst part was when we had to walk through this one area that was more like a forest (most of the trail was in an open area) and this is where we could hear the baboons much louder. Luckily, we made it back safely but next time I go hiking in Hermanus I will definitely be starting much earlier. The trail initial trail was called Adder Ladder but then we continued on to the Galpin Hut trail which ended up being a 6.2 mile round trip.    

Overall, I have been mainly walking around Hermanus whether it is to get groceries (usually less than a 10 minute walk) or go to a restaurant. If I need to go somewhere farther, I am now comfortable with taking a taxi using Taki Taki. The cost of a 15 minute trip ended up being around 100 rand which is about $5.5 and splitting that with other people makes it even cheaper so it is definitely a nice way of transportation. Usually, the taxis don’t take long to come once you call them so I will definitely use them more whenever I need to go somewhere I can’t walk. See you next week! 

Satwika Tattari

Space Sciences and Engineering

Engineering - IPE: Undergraduate Research Program at the South African National Space Agency (SANSA) in Hermanus, South Africa

[mojaves]

💢😨🍩🍓🌏🎁📎💧☁️💔 for luci :^) blease :^)

my god i have so much to say about him im sorry, you enabled me.

💢 ANGER - what are some habits they have that will take some getting used to?

not exactly a habit, but he doesn't have very good volume control at the best of times. sometimes he is whispering. sometimes he is yelling. he has no way of knowing which it will be and when. you think you've got it figured out??? you havent. get used to it. and then there's the vocal stimming. he will latch onto a phrase so hard thats almost all you hear for the rest of the week. he does try to tone it down a bit, but it helps him SO much with like. regulating emotions i guess?? like he has to do it to keep his brain from exploding in one way or another. he does often find other ways to stim that don't make anywhere near as much noise, which help him in very much the same way. but sometimes he just HAS to do it. it's like trying to hold back a sneeze. it feels bad and you feel wrong afterwards. there's also his habit of very loudly going WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! occasionally. which is something he has done for SO many years at this point, ever since he was a kid. it's less of a stim thing and more of a Brain Reset thing. like things will get too much. or his brain overloads. or his body is getting Too Tense. so he just goes WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE very loudly and then he's normal again. he has fixed himself. there are times when he does it multiple times a day, and times where he doesnt even do it once. he cant let you know when it will happen. and you cant get him to stop either bc it's something he Has to do. yes it will be startling to hear at first but it's easy to get used to once you know What it is, and that he's fine actually.

😨 FEARFUL - when scared, do they go into "flight" or "fight"?

there's no One or The Other with this, it entirely depends on the situation, current mental state, how much energy he has, etc. if he's thinking clearly, regardless of the energy he has, he will take himself out of there and get himself to calm down. with low energy it will take longer and will often need someone else there to help him settle down. otherwise, if he's not thinking clearly, or his brain has just straight up left him to his own devices, he will charge at the problem head on and try to get it to stop, which eventually turns into freeze. because he kind of realises whats happening. but doesnt have enough. whats the word. idk you known what i mean. not in touch with reality enough at that moment to like. get himself out of there. so he's just Stuck. until someone has to actively drag him out, or his brain snaps back into place for enough time.

🍩 DONUT - favourite sweet treat?

milkshakes!!!!!!! but they kill him so easily. ice cream too. he just cannot resist the temptation of a sweet pastel pink strawberry treat……… please just give him a smoothie or sorbet or something. same sort of effect but with 100% less death likely. please.

🍓 STRAWBERRY - do they eat their fruit & veg? what is their favourite fruit or vegetable?

he LOVES his fruits and veggies. mostly strawberries and mangoes,,, and potatoes and carrots. he loves strawberries so much. btw. did you know that i bet you would never have guessed that that was one of his most favourite foods of all time. AND mashed potatoes. thats the one thing that gets him through a bad sensory day/week. mashed potatoes and soup.

🌏 EARTH - will they give up the world for someone they love? is this decision easy for them?

absolutely 100% without a doubt. he wants nothing more than for the people he loves to be Happy, and he will do whatever it takes to achieve that [within reason ofc, as long as it's safe to do so.] it's definitely an easy decision for him, he is an extremely caring person. it's led to him being used as an emotional doormat in the past, and he's learned from that and has finally set up boundaries for himself, but it's never stopped him from wanting to care for others, and help them in any way he can. if someone's in trouble and needs help, he will drop whatever he's doing, whether it's making food, working etc, and go to them as fast as he possibly can.

🎁 PRESENT - what types of presents would they be most happy to receive? are they good at gift giving?

he's happy with literally anything and everything. you can buy him a spatula and he would be excited about it. and thats not even putting on a front he just knows that someone put some thought into it, whether it was as a joke or a genuine gift, and appreciates it regardless. the best thing you could get for him though is books full of facts and trivia about absolutely nothing in particular. he is very good at gift giving bc he puts SO much thought into it. it might not make much sense when you first look at it, but you'll eventually realise that you really did need whatever he got for you, actually. it's always something Useful that you will keep with you for years. he's thoughtful like that [:

📎 PAPERCLIP - a random fact.

HMMMMMMMMMMMM. he always wanted to be a teacher,,, never really had a subject in mind, but probably history. unfortunately thanks to So many external circumstances, he never got to do that. he works as a security guard now currently, but eventually starts working as a tutor for various subjects, as well as a music teacher on the side. and he has Never been happier. he loves helping people learn new things

💧 DROPLET - random angst headcanon

youre killing me here thank you. he is often very insecure about how other people perceive him bc he can be seen as Very childish with the stimming, and his generally very excited and bouncy vibe that he has around him at all times. he Is very mature, and more than capable of dealing with serious and dark topics, but often worries people will just overlook that, and hide things from him bc of it. he's far more emotionally intelligent than people give him credit for. they just need to give him a chance.

☁️ CLOUD - a soft headcanon

when he's happy. like. Really happy. he will start vibrating and his whole face scrunches up and he just NEEDS to hug someone about it. anyone. Generally it's the person who made him get that happy in the first place [and even then 9 times out of 10 it's his boyfriend] otherwise, he will simply hug a plushie or a cushion, whatevers closest to him. he Will also go WEEEEEEEEEEEEE about it but in a good way. he's very excited [:

💔 BROKEN HEART - what could their partner do that would absolutely break their heart?

talk bad about themselves, claim that theyre not deserving of all the good things that are happening to them, etc, etc. because he KNOWS they are more than deserving of it. and he will tell them that. as often as he has to in order to prevent them from spiralling. he just wants everyone around him to know how loved and wonderful they are to him, and he never gets sick of telling them that. he HATES seeing people upset, especially his boyfriend. even so much as just crying will break his heart. it makes him so sad!!! HE JUST WANTS EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY!!! AND FEEL GOOD!!!! and he cant always control that or get there in time to prevent it. and it hurts!!! it hurts so much. but he can still try!!! AND THATS WHAT MATTERS!!!