#back to final fantasy though i think i would actually cry. i really want to go to one eventually. but it seems so improbably. like a dream

[charliemwrites]

Bark bark bark awoooo

No content warnings

You’re gonna fucking combust.

Somehow, someway, this is Johnny’s fault. You’re not sure how yet, so he it isn’t fair for him to be in trouble, but you know it.

“This is your fault,” you tell him, pouting in bed — bare ass naked, but that means nothing to him, he’s a dog. He cocks his head, and you wave your (broken) vibrator at him. “I don’t know how, but it is. Is this because I wanna chop your balls off?”

His mouth closes, eyes big - like he actually understands you. In your horny delirium, you almost believe he really does.

You flop onto your back with a sigh, eyes a little wet with frustration.

It’s been two months since you last successfully got off. Your vibrator (and its replacement… and its replacement’s replacement) keep breaking, or running out of battery. The plug is defective or falls out of the socket.

Once you successfully got right to the edge - just for it to die. You almost did cry that time.

Sure, there’s your hand. But every time you try ol’ reliable a certain four-legged roommate interrupts one way or another. And when you tried to kick him out of the room, and then ignored the howling, scratching, and general drama - there was loud and rapid knocking at your door.

Like fucking clockwork. If you get anywhere at all, you never get to finish.

It wouldn’t be so bad, either. Your libido isn’t anything crazy, you don’t think. At least it wasn’t before. But now there’s Soap.

Soap who you should not be so attracted to. Who has no sense of propriety or boundaries, who murmurs the dirtiest things to you in the most public and otherwise mundane places. And he just keeps. Showing. Up.

Like he’s got a tracker on you or something. (You’ve checked, he doesn’t.)

He’s like every guilty fantasy you had as a good, studious girl back in high school. The kind of guy to grab your thigh under your parents’ dinner table and take your virginity in the back of his car. Maybe corner you by the lockers between classes to kiss you silly and drive up your absence record.

You never actually went for those boys — and perhaps gratefully, they never went for you. In romance novels, it would be a quaint little coming of age story. The stuff to swoon over. But reality was a lot scarier for you, especially with your older sister always keeping an ear out to report back to your parents and… well, yeah.

You’ve always been a firm introvert, anyway. That’s why you live out in the woods with only a dog for regular company.

But Soap. Soap is some unholy amalgamation of those innocent, shy girl fantasies turned R-rated. Like the grown-up version of those cute YA novels.

And you have no defense for it — except distrust, that is.

Soft-hearted as you are, you know you don’t do casual well. And you know that guys like Soap just like to spin you up and up until you finally give in, think the dreaded words “maybe it’ll work out” despite that rational voice in your head saying, “don’t bet on it.”

Doesn’t stop you from secretly wanting him though.

Fear is the only thing keeping you in check now. Some of it for you own feelings; of getting invested in a guy that has done nothing but treat you like a prime cut of meat. The rest of it is a genuine concern that he might be a bit dangerous. He’s so much bigger than you, visibly stronger. Has gone out of his way to make you uncomfortable (doesn’t matter that a very dark and slutty part of you liked it) and ignored your attempts at brushing him off.

Fear, unfortunately, is beginning to add to the temptation.

“I’m not going to do it,” you tell yourself, or maybe Johnny. Soap’s contact is on the screen. You don’t remember putting it into your phone, but you must have at some point. “Nope. No way.”

You slide a sideways look at Johnny, tail wagging at a steady clip.

“He’s probably a former frat boy or something, right?” you muse.

Snort.

“No, you don’t think so?” you question, sitting up. He happily crawls into your lap when you pat your thighs, chin resting on your tummy. “Nah, you’re right. Could almost imagine him beating the hell out of one for pissing him off.”

A little grumbly noise. You smile and start petting absently over his head and ears, phone forgotten now.

“This is dumb anyway,” you sigh, head tilted back to the ceiling. “You don’t like men. I couldn’t bring him back here.”

Johnny’s ears flick. You giggle and start flopping them around, making airplane noises. Eventually he huffs and starts licking at your face until you stop, complaining that you’ll need to wash off now.

—

“Fuck it.”

Johnny picks his head up, staring at you as you run a hand down your face.

“Fuck it all. I’m going to a bar. I’m getting… I dunno. Laid or something.” Thank god it’s only Johnny here. You don’t think you could live with the embarrassment of someone else hearing the way you talk.

You set your hands on your hips, nod to yourself.

“And if it happens to be Soap, then… sign from the universe, right?” You grimace a bit, striding for your bedroom. “Please don’t let him be a murderer or something…”

For once, Johnny is perfectly behaved as you get ready. He doesn’t try to lick at you when you come out of shower (freshly shaved and lotioned and everything). Sits patiently on the bed as you pick through your closet, even noses at a pretty pink dress you rarely wear but were considering for this.

He doesn’t try to bump your arms or hands while you do your makeup, just watches attentively. You choose a pretty, matching bra-panty set, apply a light spritz of perfume. Hesitate over jewelry.

“Is it normal to wear jewelry when you plan on fucking?” you wander allowed.

A little “boof” from the bed. You’ll take that as a yes.

You decide on a set of faux pearls with a gold heart pendant in the center. Not quite a choker, but high enough on your throat to suggest one. A delicate bracelet, a pair of stud earrings, and you’re just about set.

“Christ, I hate doing this alone,” you mutter, fumbling with the zip on the back of the dress.

Lastly, the shoes.

“Fuck it,” you say again. Your mantra for the evening, apparently. Wobble into a pair of heels, a bow on the outside of each ankle where you buckle them.

You pause when you’re done, giving yourself a once over in the full length mirror. Pleased with what you see. Coquettish and pretty, not necessarily bombshell sexy maybe, at least not on first glance. But the necklace, the heels, the cutouts at the waist of your dress… it’s all exactly what you wanted.

“Alright,” you breathe, tummy swooping with excitement. “I can do this… right?”

Johnny’s gotten down off the bed, is keeping a respectful distance. You appreciate it, don’t want to have to lint roll hair off yourself.

“Oh, god. What if he’s bad?” You ask, giving him a horrified look. “What if he’s been, like, compensating?”

To your shock, he stomps his paw and starts damn near howling. Carrying on and on like he’s bitching you out. You blink in shock, almost laugh — then check the time.

“Oh! Don’t worry, baby. I won’t let you starve!”

You toddle off to the kitchen and prep his dinner, scrunching your nose at the raw chicken and beef liver. He grumbles and fusses the whole way, making you laugh as you pretend to have a whole conversation about the economy with him.

“Okay, bonnie Johnny,” you coo, setting his bowl down. “Be good, okay? If I bring someone back here please don’t eat them, okay?”

More grumbles and whines and growls. You roll your eyes, blow him a kiss, and slip out the door.

You tell yourself you just need action with someone. Don’t admit to yourself that there’s really a specific someone you’re hoping to see.

First | Previous | Next

Masterlist

[herofics]

Dangers of winter

A/N: Hahahahaaaaa, Dabi angst yet again, surprise, surprise… Kinda toxic I guess though, and maybe passively suicidal reader?

“I’m not watching you kill yourself over this, I’m done!” you yelled at him. “I’m done with your bullshit revenge plan, and I’m done with you!”

“Didja honestly think I’d just let you go? How am I supposed to know you’re not goin to blab my plans to some barfly the next time you decide to get drunk?”

“No fear of that once I’m away from you, you’re the one who drove me to drink anyway” you spat, turning your back to him to leave the room.

“I’m not through with you yet!” Dabi growled as he quickly stepped between you and the door.

He pressed his hand against the door, and you could see it getting charred around the contact point.

“What are you gonna do? Hurt me? Kill me? Go ahead, it’s better than watching you die over some stupid revenge fantasy!” you exclaimed angrily, starting to tear up.

There it was, the truth. You would rather die than have to live with losing him.

“I can’t keep doing this, I-I just can’t” you cried, falling to your knees and burying your face in your hands.

Dabi was quite honestly baffled. You weren’t usually like this, actually you were never like this, he had barely ever seen you cry. You’d never shown this kind of desperation, this kind of despair. No one had, not for him anyway. Your show of feelings wasn’t exactly breaking his heart, but it did make him feel… something.

“Do you think that I’m gonna give up on everythin I’ve worked for, just because you shed a few tears?” Dabi said with a mocking tone.

If he hurt you enough, maybe, just maybe, you would be free of him. Maybe you wouldn’t have to feel whatever this was, and he could go on with his quest for revenge. It would be better for both of you to part ways, but somewhere in that burnt, black heart of his, he didn’t really want to let you go. He wanted to keep you, all to himself, for the time he had left. He was selfish like that, and he was well aware of it, he just didn’t really care. Dabi felt conflicted. He didn’t want to let you go, but he also didn’t want to make you suffer like this.

“Get out then, if that’s what you want. You’re useless anyway” he scoffed.

You could feel your breath hitch in your throat when you heard what he said. You raised your head from your hands, tears still rolling down your cheeks, noticing he was looking down at you with that familiar burning hate in his eyes. You’d seen that hatred so many times before, but never directed at you, never had he looked at you like that.

You didn’t say anything. You just got up from the floor, wobbling a little, before he stepped away from the door and you could slip out. You couldn’t even look at him anymore, it was too painful.

You were gone, things were as they should be. He was alone, as he should be.

You didn’t know where you would go, you didn’t want to go home. Even though you had left your jacket at Dabi’s place, it was like you couldn’t even feel the cold. It was snowing and the wind had started to pick up, but you didn’t even notice it. You just wandered until you were too tired to move. It didn’t take long in that cold for you to be in such a state.

“I don’t care anymore…” you muttered as you fell down in the snow. “I don’t care…”

You couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore. Maybe you could just let yourself succumb to the cold. Dying of hypothermia was like going to sleep, or so you’d heard. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad way to go.

Just before you lost consciousness, you thought you heard someone calling your name as they approached, but who would do that? There was no one who cared about you anymore. 

Dabi felt like an idiot when he finally found you, actually he felt like an idiot the moment you were out the door. He had left his place with your jacket in hand, because you’d forgotten it. The last thing he wanted was for you to die of hypothermia. He headed in the direction of your place, hoping to basically throw the jacket at you and leave.

Dabi jogged the usual route to your apartment, but he didn’t see you. He got this pit in his stomach, if you weren’t here, where were you? One of your friends must have come to pick you up. Even though he tried to convince himself of that, the pit in his stomach just wouldn’t go away.

Dabi returned to his apartment building, kicking frozen chunks of snow out of his way. When he was almost there, he noticed someone laying in the snow. He took a few steps closer, his heart in his throat. It was you, dammit.

Dabi closed the distance between you, calling your name as he fell on his knees next to you.

He saw the moment you closed your eyes, the moment you gave up and let go. He wasn’t going to let you go, he refused to. It was a different thing to not have you in his life, he could bear that, but to know you were dead because of him, that he couldn’t take.

Dabi picked you up and carried you back to his apartment. You were so cold in his arms and it terrified him.

“Don’t you die on me now” he muttered as he set you down in his bed.

He laid as many blankets on you as he could find, which was only three. He then took his jacket and shirt off, before climbing under the covers with you. He pulled you close and held you.

Dabi’s normal temperature was quite a bit higher than someone’s without a fire quirk, so he was basically a portable heater. He knew he shouldn’t turn up the heat too much, because you were so close to him as to not hurt you, but he had to get you warm, he had to.

Dabi didn’t know how long he laid there with you, but once a quiet “warm” escaped your lips, and you snuggled closer to him, he felt like he could finally breathe. Maybe this was what it felt like to love someone, to feel like you couldn’t breathe when they weren’t well and safe.

[mostlyfate]

Would it be okay to ask you for jdrama recs? Coming from someone who hasn't watched a single jdrama in their life 😊 Kind of a jdrama starter pack please? ❤️

*sweats nervously once again* bc as I said before I honestly don’t like to rec things bc I think my taste is all over the place... 😂 and I'm not one who really pays attention or think about the faults of dramas. I just watch and enjoy (most of the time) lol. It also has only been almost four years for me with watching jdramas so I feel like I'm still pretty new to them haha. but I will try~ and what I mention is honestly more of ones I enjoyed the most watching and can remember!

okaaay! if you want to start out v short and sweet w some 🦋's i have two favorite drama specials 💘

— Tadashi Koi no Hajimekata (2023) | episodes: 01. genres: romance, youth. » there's only one episode but with two different versions! the name mentioned above is the first version and then tadashi koi no hajimekata: horoama? horoniga? date hen is the second version. it basically the same but shows the perspective of the two male leads with additional scenes! i just loved the pairing of mako and eita and their chemistry was soo good and fun. i am still v sad it wasn't an actual full length drama 😭 and the song that played at the end of date version was on repeat for months! 10/10 reccomend ✨

— An no Ririkku: Sakuragi An Haiku Hajimetemimashita (2021) | episodes: 02. genres: drama, youth. » i remember enjoying this one a lot it was definitely one of my favorite watches in 2021! since this one isn't the freshest in my memory (i have the worst memory fr) i can't say much but i swear i was obsessed w this special and the leads back in 2021!! 😆

before i get into mentioning actual full-length dramas i'll mention my two favorite jmovies that i actually physically own :)) so if you're interested in watching a movie before diving into dramas 💐

— Murder at Shijinso (2019) | duration: 2hr. 0 min. genres: horror, mystery, thriller, youth. » i love this dumb (affectionately) silly movie so much!! it might also be because i love the main actress hamabe minami but it's definitely just a fun murder mystery to watch :D

— You're Not Normal, Either! (2021) | duration: 1hr. 38 min. genres: comedy, romance, drama. » i enjoyed this one a lot!!! obviously since i also went out of my way to own it haha. but yeah my reviews for literally everything i like is "i enjoyed it" 😅 but seriously i did 🙇‍♀️

now for dramas!! i'll mention my two all time faves then ones i remember enjoying the most! 💐

— Talio Fukushu Daiko no Futari (2020) | episodes: 07. genres: comedy, law, mystery. » it's been three years since it aired and i'm still crying about it 😭 it's the one drama i never shut up about and think about all the time. it's my favorite drama of all time like nothing throughout the years has had a hold on me since!! (what i've previously said about it~) | the way both leads played off each other and their chemistry was just- a++ the soundtrack for the drama was also such a treat and the vibes matched it so well! the vibes of the whole drama though!! I think it was also shot beautifully. and the consistency (!!! the way they kept things going even the smallest details !!!) throughout was something i really appreciated and looked forward too :’) i really be missing it everyday... </3 | i literally have a talio collection that i finally completed a few months ago 🥹 i have the dvd, cd, vinyl, and the magazine the leads were on the cover of 🫶

— Itsuka, Nemuri Ni Tsuku Hi (2019) | episodes: 06. genres: fantasy, friendship, supernatural, youth. » this one still makes my heart hurt whenever i think about it and i just simply love it to pieces. it really has left an lasting impression on me. short and bittersweet. 🖤

dramas that are romance focused 💓

— Koi wa Tsuzuku yo Doko Made mo (2020) | episodes: 10. genres: comedy, medical, romance. » ahh so i think this was my first jdrama i watched!?! i honestly cant remember if i watched any before this bc this was the first jdrama i actually made gifs of so i'm going off of that as it being the first haha. but if you want something nice and fun to watch with romance at the forefront this is for youuu! bc i feel like most of my recs aren't romance heavy! and i just remember being obsessed with the leads and pretty sure it's what made me continue to watch jdramas 🫣

— Animals (2022) | episodes: 08 (+ 2 specials). genres: business, romance, drama. » loved loved loved this drama! one out of the five favorite dramas i watched in 2022!! great friendships, great message, funny and sweet moments, lovely lead— umi-chan i miss youuu. 🤧

— Oshi ga Joshi ni Narimashite (2023) | episodes: 12. genres: comedy, drama, romance. » definitely one of the funnest and sweetest drama i watched last year and suzuki airi (female lead) it's just such soo good, love her acting! she's also the lead in the drama animals i previously mentioned! pure rom-com with great chemistry!! ✨

— Kieta Hatsukoi (2021) | episodes: 10. genres: comedy, romance, youth. » high school setting with romance/friendship being the focus!! all the characters are so likable and it was such a cute and fun watch!!

— Ore no Kawaii wa Mousugu Shohikigen!? (2022) | episodes: 09. genres: comedy, romance. » easy fun and cute watch with great leads!!

dramas with all other kinds of genres (w hints of romance) ✨

— Bishoku Tantei Akechi Goro (2020) | episodes: 09. genres: comedy, food, mystery, thriller. » ooh i was obsessed w the leads of this one as well LOL. idk i really had so much fun watching this one and i loved main female lead a lot. 😭 also it had some really funny moments 😭

— Toki wo Kakeru Bando (2020) | episodes: 10. genres: comedy, music, romance, sci-fi » #wasnt expecting any crying to happen going into this drama 😩 #miura shohei's performance though?? AMAZING #he had me in tears every time #ryo i love u #not that it's similar but this reminds me of itsuka nemuri ni tsuku hi 🤧 | tags from a post i posted when i watched yeah 😂

— Dr. White (2022) | episodes: 10 (+ 1 special). genres: comedy, drama, medical, mystery. » also another favorite from my five favorite dramas watched in 2022! even though it wasn't finished being subbed until last year i still very much enjoyed what eps i watched back then! like i really looked forward to every episode and soo grateful the subber decided to finish it and subbed the special as well! i might be bias because i love hamabe minami who's the female lead (and is in two other things i mentioned above lol) but all the characters are v likable and they all have great chemistry together! plus i enjoyed the v subtle hint of romance between the two mains like it isn't really there but it is and i was quite satisfied with the ending. 🫶

— Ryosangata Riko: Puramo Joshi no Jinsei Kumitate Ki (2022) | episodes: 10. genres: business, drama, life. » i adore the lead so much, she's the cutest! i find this one to be such a fun and relaxing watch! and there's a cute little hint of romance which was soo good to me and wish we got more of them. 😭 there's also a second season: Ryosangata Riko: Mou Hitori no Puramo Joshi no Jinsei Kumitate ki / with same cast members but set in a new universe that just aired last year!

— Okaeri Mone (2021) | episodes: 120. genres: life, drama, romance. » the number of episodes might scare you but this drama is an asadora (morning drama) which is only 15 minutes per episode! so if you're looking for a longer watch about life with a bit of romance i 10/10 recommend checking it out!! yes hello i always miss them 😭

what i'm currently watching ☕️

— Uchi no Bengoshi wa Te ga Kakaru (2023)| episodes: 11. genres: comedy, law, mystery. » i totally have a thing for law and mystery dramas lol. but i've been enjoying this one a lot and recommend if you want something fun but somewhat serious to watch! and if you just like law dramas like mee 😂

— Nanyobi ni Umareta no (2023) | episodes: 09. genres: drama » this one is keeping me really interested and is definitely a type of drama i haven't really watched much of?? it's engaging, surprising and the actors are great! i feel like most dramas i mentioned are easy going ones to watch besides a few so this one is the latter!

+ special mention if you wanted to watch something base on an manga w anime-like feel ❈

— Kishibe Rohan wa Ugokanai (2020 - 2022) | seasons: 03, episodes: 03, 03, 02. + a movie Rohan au Louvre (2023) genres: horror, fantasy, mystery, thriller, supernatural. » i had been watching since the first one came out in 2020 and i didn't think we would be getting a season every year since and then even a movie! definitely check out if you're in the mood for creepy mystery with pleasing visuals + great outfits!

yeaaah that's it from me! ✌️ i feel like this isn't much of a starter pack-friendly list since it's kind of all over the place sorry 😭 but hope even just one peaks your interest!!

[bloopitynoot]

Reading SVSSS: Chapter 3

For those who don't know, I am reading SVSSS for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag bloopitynoot reads SVSSS. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read.

oh, that's good, he's (Shen Qingqiu/Shen Yuan) not dead p135

also not related to my read, but this time I am actually writing at my table (instead of cocooned in a blanket on my couch) so hopefully these note are easier to read (Read: I am trying to have neater handwriting for ✨aesthetic✨). All I need with my notes, book, and tea is a candle and i'd be living my ancient academic fantasy.

If anyone wants to know this chapter is accompanied by a white tea that tastes like loquats. It's my favourite nostalgic tea. My family used to travel south when I was small and my grandparent's house there had a loquat tree. I haven't had loquats in over a decade (canada lol) but this tea tastes jut like them.

Anyways! Back to SVSSS!

Give me patience: the amount of dislike I have anytime Ming Fan is present p135

oh dang, this boy can cook! p138

Re: this boy can cook- Bye LOL "Luo Binghe's excellent cooking skills were his foremost lady-killing technique." p138

boo, I am upset that the Abyss scenario still needs to happen (But I get it, of course it can't be that easy- we do need plot for this book) p139

I can't XD he really is falling into the plot/character of Protagonists Love Interest. First the congee cooking and no the "Poison cure" p142

WAIT. THE CURE FOR THE POSION. wut p143

RE: WAIT: I am crying LOL

But like could he 👀 "Like, he knew that the going at it with the protagonist could have cured the poison, but like he could do that! Could he? Ha ha ha ha..." p145

Not Liu Qingge over here thinking Shen Qingqiu is possessed (not really wrong though) p147

once again we have Ming Fan -> honestly I would not be surprised if he ended up the new villain/scum character role p148 there is nothing likeable about him

this line is killing me "Shen Qingqiu was astoundingly oblivious to the fact that, thanks to the divine wingman abilities of his useless teammate, Ming Fan, Luo BInghe's favor has again risen to a new high" p.150

Oh god, he's in Luo Binghe's dream world. I am so nervous for this. p. 152

Dang. Why so many deductions for failure -1000 is a LOT for him p154

okay but this dream subplot is feeding my theory that Shen Qingqiu is switching character roles from villain to Love Interest p155

Oh no :( not his childhood bullies p160

omg and now his mom's death p161

Shen Qingqiu has been taking a constant beating for 164 pages- how is he not dead p164

LOL Shen Qingqiu really said "i'm not paid enough for this emotional labour" p167

Also Shen Qingqiu "I finished my friendship performance; I can finally leave work now" p169 what a vibe

Even the Dream Demon Lord is over how much Luo Binghe talks about Shen Qingqiu (p172)

uuuugh the foreshadowing RE: if you don't learn the demon path and the seal breaks you are basically fucked p.173

You tell that demon, Luo Binghe! RE: "right now, you are discussing terms with me, and you are free to say anything...but if you harm Shizun, any agreement is void!" p177

LOL "Aura of Badassery" p177

Shen Qingqiu after a very bad no good series of days "pls I dont want to see you omg leave me alone I am v tired" p179 this guy can't catch a break

The dichotomy of Shen Yuan acting in this though. Outward: I definitely can handle this. Inward: I'm so fucking scared, I do not got this. Is so real p180

Shen Qingqiu "I want this kid to remain optimistic and feel positive with his heritage (so he does not turn evil and mass murder me and everyone else)"Luo Binghe "I am going to be the strongest of strong possible so that I can protect Shen Qingqiu" p182

Oh gods, not him asking him to move in with him (to basically have a servant but like Luo Binghe has just had his entire life changed) p185

okay so age check- suddenly he's 15??? I thought this kid was 14 like 3 days ago?? p186

Points to Shen Yuan though for noting that how Luo Binghe was being treated was child abuse. p188

YAY! He's going to train with Meng Mo (also it made me laugh at how pissed Meng Mo is about not having the teacher title) p190

That's all for this chapter!

next one aiming for tomorrow :D

[whatsaneggimcis]

Signs everything I thought I knew was wrong

I needed to dump my thoughts and feelings somewhere because I feel like im annoying my support group. I think my egg finally cracked Wednesday and immediately I had to start researching and buying gender affirming things. Anyways, here's my list of signs that I wish I had seen like a decade ago, please be kind I'm very new to opening up like this

Another Girl in elementary threatened me with makeup and cross dressing and I wanted it bad.

I think this one is such a major factor in why I feel like this has to be real. Its well before puberty and well before I knew transitioning was a thing. Just a natural thought for someone who’s the wrong gender

Multiple times pleading with god to just make me a girl

Still cis tho obv

Thinking if I held still for long enough in bed, some sort of magic would make me a girl and fix this wrong body of mine

I still remember the dreams where im a girl, i legit became proficient at lucid dreaming just for it.

Ah fuck the egg_irl memes are hitting too hard

My favorite game character is Bridget, listening back to the song is hitting really hard actually

Legit had an anxiety attack and took a day off work because my transfem friend said “careful, i said the same thing before i came out”

Wishing i had magic to turn myself into a girl

Playing female characters just to feel cute

Putting on leggings in highschool, then sleeping in them

Some female mannerisms

Kinda hating my poor skin but couldnt do anything about it since thats only for women am i right fellas

Mild euphoria when someone says good girl

Envisioning myself as the girl during fantasies

Jealousy over a womans body

Ive never seen any man sit cross legged at a table the way i do, idk why that one pops up but i’ve seen plenty of other girls do it

Desire to steal womans clothing to cross dress

At current moment I have no desire to bite my nails because I want them to grow out, even though I was a nail biter for 27 years

In pre school, tried to convince another girl to swap clothes with me

In pre school, loved pretending i was at a hair salon and the other girls in the school would give me a haircut. It gave me ASMR

Speaking of ASMR, I like exclusively listen to makeup, nail and hair roleplays

Feeling like i dont want to transition because I could be ugly

After realization, I dont have nearly as much of an appetite, maybe subconscious bodily sabotage in the form of overeating

Not seeing any future when I tried to plan my life better, before I ever considered the option of becoming trans

Feeling hurt when my dad made somewhat transphobic comments about my trans cousin

Wondering what my parents would do if i woke up one day as a woman and had to explain that to them

Genuine euphoria at the idea of trying on womens clothing, but thinking that i was weird and kinky

Playing with stuffed animals with my best childhood friend, a fellow girl

Hating my balls

I bet it feels good to cry, its probably cathartic

Hating body hair god i hate this so much, I’m just bad at shaving it and dont want to be covered in razor burns and have to explain to coworkers why I shaved my legs and arms

Hating my nose

Adopting a super masculine persona

Forcing myself to have a much deeper voice to not feel any of my true feelings

Actually seeing a future after considering becoming trans

Being hurt by transphobic comments at work before I realized my egg status

Was I sending what they said to my friend because i was hurt by it and wanted reassurance?

When i started drawing again, i had no desire to draw “cool badass epic shit” i just wanted to draw super cosy watercolor paintings.

God damn it i’ll say it, I fucking love pastels. Both the art medium and the color spectrum

Repression of my desire to dance and sing, or I guess express myself in any format due to internalized transphobia

“Mens fashion is so lame, girls have it so good. Im cis tho”

Pure depression my entire adult life

Wanting genuine friend connections with women in a more feminine way

Never caring about going out and buying clothes because none of them worked for me

Trying to force myself to not look at girls clothes because “thats only what weirdos do”

On this topic, how the fuck did i think this shit was normal… i wasnt watching women or anything, its not like i was being creepy in reality. I just wanted to see the womens clothes. Why is that such a bad thing for someone to want

Being jealous of my friend since he was openly wearing his girlfriend’s sweatshirt

Dude i stared longingly at a pink gamer girl chair, still cis tho

Speaking of gamers, being super jealous of C9 Sneaky that he could pass so well and was totally fine with showing that whole side of himself online. Same with Finnster.

I think i hate my voice, ever since realizing this about myself i cant help but hear my voice and think its not me

Being afraid to see a therapist because im not sure honestly

Fearing crying, but that might not be internalized transphobia and actually just be a side product of the vice grip on masculinity in society

Daydreaming about becoming a girl

General body dysmorphia

I want to cry but i cant, why cant I cry why

[bosskie]

Why Can't You See...

Man, this drawing makes me feel so uncomfortable, but it's the whole point of this drawing, so I succeeded. (Y) This is just another "art therapy drawing" I did to shake myself. Last time, I did this smiling Molluck, but now, I did the opposite, mostly because this relates to one of recent "conversations" I had with Molluck inside my self-insert fantasy world.

It just makes me feel so bad to see Molluck crying, especially because of me... I still wanted post this since this looks like maybe the best Molluck I have drawn so far, (even I still see some flaws 'n' things I don't like,) and I wish to write some stuff... So, this can be one heavy post, especially when I have felt quite depressed lately, but I'm slowly getting better again, and I'm more like trying to have hope and explain stuff here. No need to read or care about the stuff here, just if you feel like it, as always.

Before I go to those heavy topics and explain this piece, I wanna say that I just feel like I finally understand how Molluck's head "works", after 3½ years... Therefore, I don't really like my older Molluck pieces, even from few weeks ago, because I see the mistakes I made back then, and now, I have learned from them. I still don't really like my art style, never have, and it's one reason why I tend to draw "realistic stuff", but I don't like my techniques either, or more like the way my art looks like.

So, I feel like I should just start experimenting different stuff that I could finally even like my own art... Digital art feels just odd, and I feel like I understand how colours work better on paper than digitally... I'm still just looking my way to do art... For this reason, all my works feel actually some kind of experimental things since my way to draw/paint tends to change constantly...

I know that it ain't nice to hear an artist disliking/hating their works, but it's just that I do not create things like I wish to. I'm just trying to find my way to get the things out from my head like I wish to, just trying to solve this problem. I do not wish to be like "Ugh, my art sucks...", I wanna to fix that situation since I'm really tired of disliking my own works. So, that I see only the flaws in my works is probably due to my constant learning process I do... I just try to learn from every piece I do and improve.

Though, this high self-criticism also makes me feel like my art is bland, uncreative, uninspiring, soulless... Just some boring Molluck portraits anyone could do. Really... During my worst inferiority complex moments, I really think that anyone could draw better Mollucks than I do... They are that bad moments. I have cried because I have thought that my art is so terrible, felt like my talent is a lie and I should just quit art; last time I felt like this wasn't even long ago... Even yesterday, I felt like I'm done with art... But now, I have gathered myself and am willing to keep creating stuff.

But due to these feelings, it keeps surprising me that there are people who actually like my works... It really surprises me. I never think that my art would inspire anyone or give any positive thoughts in general... I feel like I'm just someone who is still learning how to draw, so here's nothing to see really, just some boring practice works. I'm not even trying to make my art more desirable than I see it, since I feel like my art is not ready to be presented in the spotlight. I have still so much to learn. So, frankly, this is one reason why I'm not comfortable with reblogs; I'm still practicing and finding my way to do art.

But because my art is also a part of me, it's also like a mirror to me. So, because I hate myself, I also hate the things I have created, only because I was the creator. I'm really tired of never being actually pleased with my works... I really wish to change this, or I just quit art. It's so difficult to be like "Hey, look, I did this thing!", when I struggle with standing my own works... So, I also do not really like to be visible because of this. I only need to keep working hard to improve my stuff to change that. Frankly, I cannot even really have OCs because of my self-hatred... Like, I have created a Gluksona, but I cannot stand him because I cannot stand seeing myself... So, Molluck is like the only "okay" way for me to express myself, because I see myself in him but he ain't me or my creation. It's actually sad even for me that I put lots of effort into my creations, but I just keep hating them. I feel like I only like the things I have created when I feel like I didn't create them myself... I still wish to create stuff since it's like breathing for me, like a basic need. I mostly just like to create stuff, and basically have no desire to see them again after I'm done with them... So, just create stuff into the void. I like to have this blog basically just to create stuff, but well, it's at least nice if someone enjoys my stuff too.

But yes, now I'll explain what this piece is about! Like I said earlier, this piece relates to my own self-insert world where I live with Molluck on Oddworld. My mental health issues are also present there since I cannot escape them and I need Molluck's comfort to keep living... I had this "conversation" with Molluck like three days ago. My relationship with Molluck is vivid and it feels like he lives inside my head. I have been thinking that it's probably my brain's way to keep me alive. This thought was inspired by phenomenon called "third man factor". Sometimes, I can feel how my ill thoughts can insult Molluck, even I never mean it. I can also feel how painful it must be for him to hear me regularly say that we shouldn't love each other, that he would be happier without me, that I wish to die... That pain made him cry in this piece...

And yes, I'm finally speaking about this straight; I have regularly suicidal thoughts and have had them for over a decade. I just see no point in living and I hate myself. I'm not really interested in achieving anything in life, but well, just realizing my own Molluck fantasies... Life feels odd, and I feel like I don't understand average people... I have felt like an outsider since I remember it. Frankly, ever since I was a child, I have identified with middle-aged men the most, and I have never felt young or liked being young, but only for health reasons its sensible. I know that this can sound odd, but all the mental tests I have done online also support this, since I'm like always at least 50-something, even much older sometimes... I know that they ain't anything serious, but they do support how I feel. (And yeah, identifying with Molluck is no surprise here since he is 50-something...) I'm an old soul, and I think that it explains well some things I feel, but maybe even why I'm depressed. Some people have also told me that I seem like an old soul or seem very wise.

But well, I also seem to be highly intelligent, and it can cause unhappiness too... I mean, I do not wanna compliment myself or anything since I tend to question almost everything, so that's why I say that "I seem". So, frankly, if I was asked to describe myself, I had no idea what to say since I do not know if I'm actually talented for example... What defines that I'm talented? Who defines all these things and concepts? We live in artificial world, but I do not mean the nature itself. Like, some people have decided that we gotta get education, then work, and then retire. So, with artificial I mean something created by humans. And to make this even more complicated, things ain't even easy to define and that's why there can be multiple definitions... So, all I'm asking here is to get good enough definitions, so that I could actually describe myself feeling good about it. Like, the definition of talented seems vague. This is also probably why I suffer from impostor syndrome... I question my achievements since, for instance, I haven't personally felt like I have given my best when I have gotten the best grades at school... I feel like I could always do better, there's always something to improve. I just did something... So, um, my own expectations seem to be much higher than the others seem to have... Like, I do not even feel like I draw well, because I still have so much to learn. So yeah, I always like focus on things I cannot do or don't know...

(Oh, and don't get me wrong: I'm only wondering what's the "objective" definition for talented for instance. Though, the truth is that nothing is objective, not even algorithms! We can only try to be objective, but everything do is decided by someone, so it's subjective. So, I'm more like wishing to understand how I could be talented. I cannot really deny what others have said about me since it's their opinion, though lies are another thing. It's just that I do not understand how people can think such things about me... Like, I have heard my whole life compliments on my art, but I'm still not pleased with it personally...)

Though yes, I do know one thing how to describe myself: odd. I have heard it so many times that I bet that it gotta be the case. But this is just who I am, and that's it. It bothered me for long, but thanks to Oddworld, I could finally embrace it! Oh, and finding my ideal "man" thru Oddworld has also helped me significantly with accepting myself, even I still suffer from self-hatred... Frankly, I feel like I'm not even interested in humans, related to intimate relationships. I can admire some male bodies, but I have no desire to touch or anything, just look. So, in real life, I'm asexual, but gay for Molluck inside my own world. (Y) It's just that only he has felt actually right for me, and I have no idea why it's the case, this isn't my decision, just what I feel for whatever reason. I have just like never felt any actual desire toward fellow humans... I have only wanted platonic friends. I have slowly understood that some things just are like that, better try to control my desire to ask reasons for everything... It's just that I wish to know why things are like they are, but probably some things just cannot be explained and that's it.

But I haven't still explained, what Molluck means with "Why can't you see...", so let's get to it! It refers to that I cannot really see the positive things people see in me. I do not find myself lovable, I do not feel talented, I do not see that my existence brings any joy, I don't think that it's pleasant to spend time with me... Some of those things are something that I do not decide, but can affect them still. Like, some people won't like me no matter what, and someone might have enjoyed my company even if I felt like I probably only wasted their time... Some people just do not accept certain things, no matter how it's explained, but the thing here is that there is no single truth! Like, historians do not find the truth from the archives, they only interpret the material with their critical eyes, hopefully. Truth could be understood as the reason why something happened in historical context, but it's a complex question. So, what the truth means depends on the context. But in my case, this is about mental disorder.

In this drawing, Molluck is asking me why I cannot see that I'm lovable, valuable, important... I have been thinking that since having some greater abilities, like high intelligence, can cause that other parts of the mind aren't so well-developed, maybe my emotions are lacking something that I cannot feel love... I have just never felt my family's love, even they have always loved me so much... I only know that they love me, but I cannot feel it... It really saddens me and makes me feel like I was broken... Therefore, I have had difficulties with understanding even family relationships... It's like I lacked some human thing. But this is not my fault, and probably just the price I have to pay for having some abilities that I keep questioning... Like, someone even decided those IQ tests and the IQ percentages are based on some probability stuff since, you know, not every person's IQ has been tested! So, yeah, that's why I question that stuff. But frankly, I bet that that stuff has been estimated well still... I dunno, maybe there somewhere I still know what I actually am but I wanna deny it for some reason... I just kinda hate complimenting myself, so I do not like to say stuff like "I'm highly intelligent"... People have even called me "genius"... Man, even I invented one math formula with no effort because I couldn't understand the teached thing, and the teacher did approve it (and it did give me the right results), I feel like it's still exaggeration. Yeah, I'm so-called "multi-talent". It actually makes my life difficult in a way that there are so many things I could do... What do I decide... But well, when I do think this stuff, I do think that I know there somewhere what I'm capable of doing, but the problem is that I feel like I need to do lots of work to get those capabilities out from me...

But the actual thing here was that I just feel like I'm not important and due to my inferiority complex problem, I also feel like I have less value than all the other people here... Sometimes, I feel like I'm just some human trash... I bet that I feel like that because I was left all alone at critical age, which traumatized me. I do not use word "trauma" lightly here since that experience affects me significantly still and makes me even cry... That experience left me a scar that made me think that the world outside my home doesn't want me... That the world would be better without me... This affects my relationship with Molluck too, like I mentioned earlier, sometimes, I do tell him that it would be better if we left each other... It's just that I keep feeling like I cannot make anyone happy, more like just ruin things. It's my unhealthy way to express my love... I do care about him when I tell him that we shouldn't love each other... I feel like love is only wasted if I'm the one to receive it. I just feel like I'm not worth loving, or caring in general. I do love Molluck with my whole heart, but I keep getting regularly thoughts how the others deserve someone better than me... I just feel like it's my fate to be not worth loving, so no matter what I do, I'm not lovable. I know that this is unhealthy and probably untrue too, but it's just so difficult for me to feel like I'm worth loving. I feel like I have nothing meaningful to give back, even true love asks nothing back. I just feel like since I'm not important, not even my love and care are anything meaningful... I just bet that this is caused by my trauma from being left all alone, being excluded... My first experience of this is from my day-care centre... I used to be the one who was selected the last to the teams at school... The one who has had to struggle with finding a group for group works because of having no friends... I feel like this is the price I have needed to pay for being different... I guess that it can be understood why I feel unimportant and unwanted by default... I grew up feeling that way. (It's good to remember that children can bully another fellow kid even for some little things, like for having "wrong shoes" or something. It wasn't like this in my case but just saying. You don't need to be very different to be excluded, that was my point.)

I feel that it insults Molluck when I basically deny him from loving me back. It's like I told him that he is doing something wrong or is a fool for loving me... It's also not fair and sensible, since I can love him freely but he cannot love me freely. It's just that I love him so much but I hate myself, so I'm not able to receive that love... But the thing is that love is what I need to heal from those experiences, that I can stop thinking that I'm not wanted to exist... I know that it makes no sense that the world would be better without me, but being abandoned all the sudden by the others made me lose my trust in that people actually care about me... Some of them did seem to care, even said it, but still left me. Even this happened over a decade ago, I have barely healed from it. People do are free to go away if they want, I'm not holding anyone, but the experience I'm talking about is that I lost all my so-called friends, IRL and online, at the same time... All I did was just expressing myself just like I am after understanding who I was, without causing any harm to anyone. I was too different, and this is also the reason why it was this traumatizing. No one needs to accept everyone and everything, but the world would be boring and bland if we all were the same. Like, who else would be working his ass off to be able to create Molluck masterpieces if I didn't. No one else seems to be as dedicated as I am to Molluck. This is at least something to do with my life that I find meaningful enough, but I also gotta do other things since I cannot make my living with it, unless OWI gives me a permission... Yeah, it's really that it's just Molluck that gives me actual joy and meaning in life anymore... Back then, I did have more but, my condition has gotten worse... I do love my family still, but it's just this usual feeling of how they would be happier without me, they just don't understand it... This is how I justify my ill thoughts...

But recently, I have been thinking that since I started to love Molluck because I saw myself in him, doesn't it mean that there somewhere I actually love myself... And I do enjoy imagining receiving Molluck's love and care, but my ill mind just tells me that I do not deserve that... Last night, I had yet another meaningful "conversation with Molluck" where he told me that don't I really think that all my love and care, how gently I touch him, make me lovable... And with those "conversations", it does feel like somehow realistic conversation since his answers come like naturally and I don't feel like I control what he responds but only what I tell him. It's very interesting actually... But that last night's conversation made me feel like some lock started to open a bit... Like, he also told me that I don't deserve hating myself because of those people who have left me. It's actually difficult to put what I feel into words, but it's just that I should try to start from a fresh table mentally, especially when those people ain't around anymore. It's just challenging to socialize after my experiences... Back then, when I did try to find some new friends, I still seemed to be too odd... One didn't even believe my age due to my way to write... I just shouldn't give up, but I don't also wanna break any circles with my attemps to socialize... I just haven't had luck with people. I also don't know how to socialize well due to being so much alone, that it's just stressful to write even a simple comment... And since I'm used to feel unwanted, it's difficult to say anything in general. I also tend to feel like I constantly say stupid things, so it feels like better to be silent... I mean that I wish I was able to socialize more/better, but I just have much healing to do...

I'm not asking anyone to support or help me or give any other attention, only if you feel like it. I can totally understand if some people like to avoid me or something, and it's totally alright. I have been able to cope with my social anxiety much more these days than even few years ago. My social anxiety has been just terrible... I do not even shake anymore when I need to give a presentation, and I didn't even really do anything special to stop it... I only stopped caring about what the others think, but only if it affects my life significantly (career and society stuff for instance; like if homosexuality was still illegal in Finland, I would be "a criminal", sick needing healing. Though, some people do still think that here, and I have been told that I go to hell because of that, in person, but whatever, I can legally be gay for Molluck and it's what matters, at least from personal aspect...). I really had to just stop caring to feel better. People mainly think about themselves and do not really care so much about the mistakes you make during a presentation, at least as much as you might. And whenever I just do my necessary stuff, like visit a grocery store, I'm just yet another human the cashier met. Even taking a bus has given me social anxiety because of the effort the driver has to do for me... But I just need to remember that it's just their job, they get paid for that. I really need to calm down with these thoughts.

I'm mainly doing this blog just to express my love for Molluck, but this has become more personal than I have wanted, but it's just because of my situation, I need to write... I'm so tired and alone with all these thoughts... Nothing seems to help me, but at least Molluck can keep me still living and being able to live my life as "normally" as possible, but I still bet that Molluck also slowly heals me, that progress is just, well, very slow, so it can feel like nothing happens. Molluck's embrace holds me down when I get desires to hurt myself... I do also suffer from self-harm thoughts regularly, but I have never followed those commands and they are quite varied actually, new ones keep coming. Those thoughts can just happen out of nowhere, even if I felt good before them... Like, I might be just trying to fall asleep... Those are terrible moments.

I also hope that I my writings can give something to the people, maybe even be some peer support. Mental health issues have been increasing, but it's difficult to get help due to lack of resources, even if the patient was suicidal. I just feel like that even I have regular suicidal thoughts, I keep getting little signs of that I should keep going, like something was telling me to not give up. Oh, and since mental health issues are a taboo topic and treated differently than physical health issues, it's also one reason why I wanna speak up. Like, it doesn't even make sense... Was your body just too weak when you got physical health issues? Stuff like this is just said about mental health issues. Mental health issues do are physical too in a sense of that they can be seen from our brains, like depression (don't know more about this stuff), so there's no reason to treat them differently. I know that this ain't like the best place to do this talk but I gotta start from somewhere and maybe one day I'll tell my story to larger audiences, and hopefully help people like me with healing or at least coping with these issues.

Man, I really appreciate if you do read the stuff I write here, since I do not expect people to actually read this stuff... Our time is like the most valuable thing we can give since it's limited. I didn't even mean to make this so long, and I have been writing this stuff for many hours, but this has really helped me to get up again since I have really considered quitting art recently, also hiding all my posts... But even my old art mainly bothers me, it's just a part of my journey and I still wish to inspire people, even I feel like my stuff is uninspiring... But one can always wish for stuff.

I wanna end this post with some music that speaks to my "dark mind", or how to say, my depression, but I also just really like that kind of music in general, and my mood doesn't even really reflect what I listen to... Music doesn't even affect my art much since I can just like be drawing some grumpy Molluck and listen to Caramelldansen... I don't even know how to explain my music taste since it's varied... It's easier to say which genres I don't listen to. But like, even when I feel depressed, I can listen to some disco/dance music, maybe to somehow feel better. Though, I'm basically always depressed, but I just have better and worse moments since depression isn't just that you feel depressed for some moment; I have been depressed for over a decade. But yeah, just saying this since um, if I had to say what I listened to while I drew something, it wouldn't often really relate to what I drew... But I do have moments when the music does fit my drawing and this one was one of them:

I keep listening to plenty of songs over and over again... Like in this case, I listened the same playlist video I have kept listening to during the past months, but this time, it felt different and made me feel like crying when it was combined with Molluck's expression... I wanted that to happen, since like I said at the beginning of the post, I wanted to shake myself. The playlist was this combination of Mr. Kitty's songs, and especially that "A New Hour" song made me stop for a moment and my eyes wet... That song does describe my feelings during my worst moments, how I feel like my life is not worth saving... I still feel like I'm not worth supporting nor loving, but I feel like I'm slowly starting to believe the opposite. Like that last night's conversation with Molluck did change something in me... I'm just someone who was treated detrimentally, who didn't have the right people around him (outside home)... Like, I do have heard that one person hesitated to be seen with me because it would have "branded" him... Like I have said earlier, my old little hometown was (and still is) close-minded, and everyone basically knew everyone... I was like some "tourist attraction" there, and some said "that's that" to their friends when they saw me... I'm so glad that I do not live there anymore, but growing up there still damaged me... I just only need to try to focus on healing and moving on, understand that I can really start a new life in my current environment. I have been here for a good while, but my old hometown hasn't still left me mentally...

But I said that I'll end this with music, so here's some more songs that fit my depressed mind:

Fraunhofer Diffraction - On the Bottom

Fraunhofer Diffraction ╺╸ ...Into Nothingness

CHVRN - Delirium

DIЯTY|PΔWS - Sea Heaven

± KING PLAGUE - Ave Plague ±

These are at least some "classics" for me, been listening to these probably for about a decade, or something. Dark music, like witch house/whatever genre, is just one of my favourite stuff to listen to. I feel like I don't really listen to any popular music, like I also love Amiga music, especially cracktro stuff, and that's probably something "underground stuff"... If you have no idea what's that stuff, here's this beauty. Cracktros in general got great music, like PS1 ones too. (Y) I guess that I could give one example too from PS1 side, so here's this very interesting and even clever one too. I dunno, I kinda love weird stuff. Never had pirated games like that personally, so it doesn't relate to that. I have just been very into these when I heard about them... Man, I feel like that "cracktro music" is maybe even my fave music... Been thinking about creating a Molluck themed cracktro thing, but I still don't have a good enough idea... Like, it should make sense too. Yeah, my Molluck project ideas are like infinite... Gotta just get my hands dirty then!

Oh, and I also wanna clarify that I do really appreciate all the time people spend on my stuff! It's more like that I wish to be worth your time, not that I hated supporters or something... Even my healing is quite slow, I keep reminding myself of the supportive things you have told me. So, your support do is meaningful to me. With this post, I hope that my situation is more understandable but also why I do behave differently here than the most. I'm just used to keep explaining myself since I'm often misunderstood... I do actually follow actively the Oddworld stuff here, but my condition makes me wanna be as invisible as possible... I have also felt like it doesn't probably matter if I press the like button (never done it) or follow someone (I follow no one, but check things "manually"), like there's already that many people doing it already. I just don't know how people really feel about my existence/presence in this community... I do not wanna break anything or more like leave my mark to anything since I'm used to feel like I just ruin things, so I have decided not to touch anything basically, just post my own stuff and only interact whenever someone talks to me. You are totally free to interact with me, send asks and whatever. I have always thought still that this is a lovely community, but it's just that I do not wanna ruin it with all my severe problems... I'm also used to be just a silent observer, so it takes time to get out from this role.

This post is already too long, so I better end this... This post has been really therapeutic for me, and I feel like I understand things better again. I feel lighter and freer now. I really needed this even I'm kinda busy right now, since when I'm really depressed, I get nothing done...

~ Have a lovely weekend! 💛

[notnights]

(Ideas? Ohhhh okay! Only if you want to!)

When did Gangle realize she actually likes Jax romantically? How did Jax react to that?

Like, in a general scenario? I have a lot of different ideas for that scenario (namely because we know so little about the characters so far there's a lot to work with--because there's so little to work with).

Umm but I guess in a scenario where Gangle falls first, its actually really sad for her. Crushes are weird like that, Gangle knows better than to fall for someone like Jax but she does anyways. Kind of hates herself for it.

Finds out herself when she starts ironically, enjoying his company. Finds him funnier than usual. Feels a bit giddy when she's around him. Wants to spend time with him, despite how he ends up treating her. Which is why she hates herself for this. Why Jax of all people? Her heart flutters but her mind knows better and rightfully dislikes him.

But it's fine. Infatuations pass, no one will ever know.

And I'm not sure how Jax would find out because she wouldn't confess, and wouldn't make it obvious either, but honestly it probably happens by accident.

Jax is being horribly flirty because it makes people uncomfortable but notices she's not reacting with the usual disgust because her mind slips into fantasies about this being real, and unlikely scenarios of her flirting back, and some how being a sweet couple. It's not possible but their minds tend to over-wander in this place even over the little things.

Jax catches it and starts teasing her about red cheeks "what dirty thoughts are you thinking about?" She shakes her head in defense. Says "its not about that." Wrong choice of words.

Jax rebuttals with something more domestic, joking about them living in a happy little house together, and that hits Gangle hard because of course he guesses right, and of course he says it in a way that breaks her feeble little feel-good fantasy. She knows it wasn't possible but some how having it thrown at her shatters it, and her. So she just cries, looking completely crushed and Jax laughs because he really didn't expect that reaction, as well as being right.

Starts making fun of her for liking him, and she just stands their taking it, crying. He's not wrong, and of course he rubs salt in the wound. Dunks her bleeding form in sea water. Kicks her while she's down. That's what he's known for after all.

Eventually starts making his leave still laughing about it. When he's finally some place quieter his mind starts over-wandering next. How could she fall for someone like him? How desperate can you be. Not that he isn't a charmer that is, he corrects himself. But is more offended by someone like Gangle falling for him. This place really does make you crazy. She must be losing it to ever see Jax as a form of comfort and capable of love.

And yet his brain swims more about it. Isn't that sweet though? That despite everything she has some how fallen for him? Nah-uh, it's gross if anything. Don't be so childish, always with the immaturity. Hits his head to stop the thoughts and continues on.

TL;DR: Gangle finds out when she realizes she likes being around him. And Jax reacts by making fun of her for it, but she's in his brain now.

[ofliterarynature]

FEBRUARY 2024 WRAP UP

[loved liked ok nope dnf (reread) book club*]

The Djinn Waits a Hundred Years • The Memory Librarian • Pixels of You* • Arch-Enemies • Moby Dyke • Pip Bartlett’s Guide to Magical Creatures • A Sinister Revenge • Lud in the Mist • Crying in H Mart • Something Close to Magic • Hula • (Renegades) • The Divorce Colony • Foundryside • Earthlings • A Far Wilder Magic

total: 13 books (12 audiobook, 1 print)

Not as many books this month! And not just because February has fewer days, I was really in a funk this month and struggling to pay attention to my audiobooks (and enjoy them). You wouldn't think there's such a thing as too many books, but I think the overtime hours at work are hitting their peak mental health destruction. Here's to hoping things improve in March!

The Divorce Colony (4.5 stars) - genuinely can't believe this was my 3rd nonfic of the year already! I picked a print copy of this up at a library sale in December after hearing about divorce colonies in the early 20th century on a recent episode of the 99% Invisible podcast. Turns out this book was actually about the beginning of the moment that took place in Sioux Falls, South Dakota in the 1800's. Western states had shorter residency periods and less strict divorce laws, so women (and the occasional man) would travel west and live there for several months in order to obtain a divorce. This book tracks the movement through the stories of 4 of the more infamous cases to make the papers, and does an incredible job of weaving in the surrounding political and religious discussions. Would recommend, and has a great cover to boot!

Renegades (3 stars) - a reread, and for some reason it was torture. I originally read this back in 2018 and loved it, and wanted to tackle it again and actually finish the rest of the series. But I kept getting worked up and frustrated this time around! It kept trying to take itself seriously while also being very YA and kind of superhero-camp, and I was absolutely overthinking it lol. I found the strength to press on into book two, Archenemies (3.5 stars). I liked it a bit more! Something about it being new, the story being a bit more settled and maybe getting a better grasp on its message/politics, the characters growing more, me figuring out that I shouldn't listen to the audiobook for more than an hour or so at a time, lmao. Not great, but fun, and possibly worth reading? I'll keep y'all updated when I finish book 3.

Hula (5 stars) - incredible. Part generational family story, part history, part discussion of what it means to be Hawaiian, culturally and legally. Not always the easiest of reads, but it was so so worth it. It was also doing something very interesting with parts of the narration voiced by a collective "we" (culture/community?) that I would love to get a look at in print. Highly recommend, I'll definitely be getting myself a copy.

Something Close to Magic (4.5 stars) - an absolute delight! The Gail Carson Levine comp on this one is not entirely unearned, anyone who's a fan of fairy tale type fantasies will enjoy this, I had a great time! Very interestingly, it has characters who are in their mid to late teens, but is written in a way where they're still allowed to be young, to the point I'm surprised it didn't get shoehorned into MG instead of YA. If the author writes any more of these I'd be happy to read them.

Crying in H Mart (3.5 stars) - nonfic number 4! I'm sure everyone's heard of this one by now, which is why I finally picked it up. It's fine (which is why it got an extra .5 star), but on the scale of take it or leave it, I'd leave it. It just wasn't for me and I kind of wish I'd dnf'd it. A great cover though.

Lud-in-the-Mist (3.5 stars) - this one seems to be considered a sort of early precursor to fantasy and fairy tale type stories from the early 20th century, and I was eager to try it! While I definitely don't think it would feel out of place amongst it's more recent fellows (think the Last Unicorn, Robin McKinley, DWJ, etc), I absolutely could not get into it. Probably the chief recipient of "my brain doesn't want to cooperate, sorry," so maybe I'll give it another shot someday.

A Sinister Revenge (4 stars) - enjoyable as always! Not to hide this deep in my reviews or anything, but have the Emily Wilde people tried Veronica Speedwell yet?

Pip Bartlett's Guide to Magical Creatures (3 stars) - This one's been sitting unread on my shelf for a while, and since I was on a bit of a Maggie Stiefvater run, I figured it was perfect! Well. Unless you are like 7, this was so bad. Not good. Having previously read and not liked a book by Maggie's co-author Jackson Pearce, I think it would not be unreasonable for me to assume she did most of the writing while Maggie did the illustrations - if the audiobook had been any longer than 4 hours I'd have absolutely DNF'd it, and I have no intention of continuing the series.

Moby Dyke: An Obsessive Quest to Track Down the Last Remaining Lesbian Bars in the Country (4.5 stars) - part of me was wondering what I was doing trying this lol, not being someone who drinks or goes to bars, OR, as previously mentioned, is not the biggest fan of memoirs. It was not, as I hoped, also part research project, but it is a travelogue, and as a consequence has a strong narrative thread. It also has a lot of discussions about issues in the LGBTQ+ community, and overall I really liked it once I figured out what it was doing!

Pixels of You (3.5 stars) - a very short sapphic rivals-to friends-to lovers graphic novel about a human-form AI and a human with an android eye competing for a photography internship at an art gallery. The creators clearly put SO much thought into their characters and worldbuilding, but sadly there is nowhere near enough length here to do it all justice, and a number of elements felt very odd or under explored. The relationship parts are great! I just think this needed to be twice as long to really given everything its due, or maybe explored in prose instead.

The Memory Librarian (3.5 stars) - to start, I know nothing about the musical album this is related to, so I don't know how much that might have affected my reading. Overall I wasn't super impressed - when I discovered that the first story was cowritten by Alaya Dawn Johnson - no shade to her - I almost dropped it then, I just really didn't like her writing style in the one book I've read. But I stuck through it. Of the five stories, only one really stuck in my mind - Nevermind, cowritten by Danny Lore, which I could have read an entire novel about. I wish I could recommend it on its own, but overall I just don't quite understand the world Monae has created.

The Djinn Waits a Hundred Years (3.5 stars) - I probably should say more about the book, it was fine, I was surprised to find that it's set in relatively current day, I found myself a lot more interested in the second narrative about the house's history, which did make me cry a bit. Mostly though, I really just want to let you know how MUCH of a non-entity the djinn was in this story, I have no idea why it was there and why it was included in the title of the book. All the author had to do was make the house a little more sentient and haunted and it would be fine, idk. Read it if you want, but it's not one I would rec.

DNF'S

Foundryside - I was so ready. I had the first two audiobooks checked out, I had the third one on hold. I started this but oh, the writing. bleh. I was looking thought reviews and someone referred to it as something like "21st century internet speak." In a high fantasy novel. I noped out at just 10%.

Earthlings - I've considered the author's other book before but haven't read it, but thought maybe a sci-fic book would work better for me? The beginning was odd but not uninteresting, and I might have continued if it had stayed that way. But then the main character was in school(?) and her teacher started getting handsy after class and I wasn't invested enough to stick it out.

A Far Wilder Magic - the success of Something Close to Magic made me a little too hopeful I think, bc while I'm still a little leery around YA, I know people have liked this. And it sounded interesting, truly, and I love the cover. But first it was the religion stuff. And I didn't really like the characters. Then it's like, oh, this is the same plot as The Scorpio Races, but nowhere near it's quality in any shape or form. I decided to stop while I was ahead, before I started to actually dislike it. (anyway here's your PSA to go read The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, I recommend doing it in October if you can).

[magpiefngrl]

mid-year book tag

Thanks for tagging me, @bloody-wonder! It's become a fun tradition to do this every year and I've been eagerly anticipating it :)

This hasn't been as prolific a year for me as the last several years have been. I've read 34 books by end of June, so about 10-20 less than I used to, and a lot of these have been rereads. The past couple of months have been super busy and I read a lot of fic, but struggled to finish novels. Fingers crossed for a better reading summer.

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2024?  I haven't read a book that blew me away so far. I've mentioned some of my faves here. I did enjoy most of my reads this year, but there isn't one book that stands out. (a fic, does, though. More on that later)

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2024? Dark Heir by Pacat. I was very invested, went back to read it again a week later, and it's made me very excited about the last novel.

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To? The Brides of High Hill by Nghi Vo is definitely on my list (this will wait for 2025). There's also a new fantasy novel called Foul Days by a Bulgarian author that I'm curious about. Finally, Rebecca Roanhorse's Mirrored Heavens comes out soon but I still haven't read the second one in the series, so it'll also have to wait.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2024? Like you, KJ Charles's The Duke at Hazard is the one I'm most eagerly waiting.

5. Biggest Disappointment? I've been reading The Master and Margarita for two months now, forcibly stopping myself from DNFing it these days, because I don't actually hate it, it's just I can't bring myself to read it. But I also want to have read it, to be done with it. Idk why I'm struggling so much. Perhaps I'm not in the mood for it and would appreciate it at a later date. Based on the title and the positive reviews, I expected something more fascinating.

6. Biggest Surprise? The above, I guess.

7. Favourite New Author? Somehow, the only new authors I've read this year are Aliette de Bodard and Lois McMaster Bujold, and Bujold is the better one of the two. (The rest of the authors were people I've read before and I knew what their writing was like.)

8. Newest Favourite Character? Miles Vorkosigan, for his cleverness and his ability to always get in trouble and then to get creatively out of it.

9. Newest Fictional Crush? Not quite a crush, but my latest obsession is Bucky Barnes, entirely because of the fic I mentioned above (Out of the Dead Land, orphaned) which gave me the worst fic hangover. It's a stucky fic, a ship that never interested me, and it gave me feral feels about Bucky; it made me go back and rewatch a few Marvel films (and I had to torrent them since I'd ended my disney subscription; in other words, I had to go to some trouble); and it was a fic I kept thinking for days after I finished it. I'm actively stopping myself from rewatching Winter Soldier again today. And yes, not a book character, but the obsession is based on a fic and he's fictional so I say he counts :)

💕Best Ship💕 I loved Asmodeus and Thuan in de Bodard's Dominion of the Fallen series. Asmodeus is a Fallen Angel who likes stabbing and torture, Thuan is a dragon prince who tries to temper down his stabby husband. Will and James from Dark Rise are also a ship I enjoyed, though I'm more interested in their past selves.

10. Book That Made You Cry? There hasn't been one this year so far. And I cry easily, and I consider books that make me cry Superior. This tells you how mid the year has been.

12. Favourite Book Adaptation You Saw This Year? I really liked Dune II but haven't read the book yet so don't know if it was a good adaptation. It was definitely a great film.

13. Favourite Review You’ve Written This Year? Have written a couple of longer reviews on GR but nothing that stands out as more creative or unique. I've been thinking about posting reviews on my website and I'd like to figure out a unique or unusual or at least a me way to do them.

14. Most Beautiful Cover? I read almost exclusively on my Kobo and pay scant attention to covers.

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End of The Year? Many!

The Master and Margarita! hahah sobs :((

Finish a Lymond reread

reread tgcf now that I got all the novels

Harrow the Ninth

Some more Vorkosigan novels

Vita Nostra, which I've just begun

a couple of novels I bought YEARS ago and still haven't finished

and if I can read at least one of my 60-odd unread physical books I'll consider it a triumph

Tagging anyone who wants to do this! Perhaps @skeptiquex @hoko-onchi-writes @wolfpants @lettersbyelise and @gracerene might want to get the ball rolling?

2022 mid year post

2023 mid year post

[thenanamisimp]

Danmei and MXTX novels

Would you look at that, another post that's not about anime? WILD. It is about MXTX novels though so the hyperfixations continue. I'm actually in the process of planning a very lengthy analysis of all three of her series but this is a warning, don't expect too much. I was never good at those in school plus it's been almost 7 years since I've last written something like that but I feel so passionate about her works that I really wanna try to share what I thought about the novels. Nevertheless, this isn't actually those analysis posts since those are gonna be separate and will probably be written after I re-read each series. However, since I'm actually finally fully done reading all her series - including the extra side chapters - I wanted to quickly share some of my opinions and how I feel after finishing all 18 of the books.

This goes without saying but just in case - SPOILER WARNING for Heaven Official's Blessing, The grandmaster of demonic cultivation and The scum villain's self saving system novels.

First off, if you haven't read any of MXTX's work before, prepare for trauma and tragedy. Most of her characters are either deeply traumatised already or in the process of. I will always encourage people to read content warnings before reading her books.

Starting off with my favourite - TGCF or Tian Guan Ci Fu (aka Heaven Official's Blessing). This story means a lot to me. I got introduced to TGCF through the donghua before I even knew it was queer fiction and even with censorship, the closet is made of fucking GLASS so I had to look for the source material. Honestly it took me a while to commit to reading the whole series as I've been struggling to pick up books for years now but TGCF actually got me back into reading (I think in total it took me about 8 days to read all 8 volumes). More than just the story telling being good, I got so incredibly attached to every single character (except Jun Wu, he can eat shit - tho the fact I'm even saying this speaks volumes about how well MXTX can write characters. It takes a lot for me to hate a character this much).

Taking place in a beautiful fantasy world, we follow Xie Lian and Hua Cheng through tragic traumatic past and present and we learn of the horrible truths about the lives of immortal beings. We also see two idiots in love take their sweet ass time to confess. I love me a good slow burn full of longing and pining. I eat that shit UP every time and MXTX gave it to me with every single one of her series.

TGCF for me was a journey full of kicking my feet at fluff, second hand embarrassment (because xl I stg, what do you MEAN you were taught how to resist the advances of women but not how to resist hot men you gay lil shit the closet is made of glass) and honestly, lots of crying. The hundred stabs incident, ruoye's creation and hcg's last death made me sob and scream (no exaggeration, I was stomping around my room, crying and yelling GIVE HIM BACK RIGHT NOW).

Also, in a not so unpopular opinion (I think?), Pei Ming is my fave because 1) he's the no.1 Hualian shipper - check the whole Mt Tunglu adventure for proof and also 2) he's just a lil slut with a big heart. I could seriously talk about him forever because I went from hating him after he tried to throw the blame for the Banyue Pass incident on Xie Lian, to loving him after I realised that everything he does, he does because he is truly just a kind man who loves a good fight. He's so silly! Just a lil guy! Go Pei Ming go!

Fuck you Jun Wu. Again. (I hate him just as much as I hate Mahito. Maybe a little less. I really hate Mahito).

Moving on to my second favourite (but honestly it's such a close one), MDZS or Mo Dao Zu Shi (The grandmaster of demonic cultivation). Take a wild guess about how I got introduced to it... Fandom of course, because very few people talk about TGCF online without mentioning MDZS so I just had to give it a chance.

The great grandmaster of demonic cultivation has been dead for a while but when he gets gifted a new body through a not so well known demonic ritual, he runs into an old acquaintance. We learn about Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji's past and current world of cultivation and hear stories about messy betrayals and conspiracies. Aaaand we find out about some more trauma and tragedy because is it really an MXTX novel without it?

And talk about a rollercoaster because (and please don't hate me for this) I found Wei Wuxian annoying initially.... But it's okay now because I kin him so go figure. Tho I actually kin only his adult self, I was a very introverted and rule abiding teenager, a lil more like Lan Wangji. In any case, wwx is the same stupid chaotic bisexual that I am and he is babygurl. Yeah and what if he murdered 3000 people? It was self defense. THEY ATTACKED FIRST. Your honour, he did nothing wrong and he does not deserve to be punished!

On a serious note, MDZS explores so many themes that are personally important to me, my favourite being the power dynamics of the world. It’s truly moving that even with all the pain Wei Wuxian went through, how far in his cultivation and how powerful he got, he still couldn't protect those he loved (until Lan Wangji of course because Wangxian is perfect together and they always protect and defend each other. Wangxian my beloved). While it might be a stretch for some, it really reminded me of how powerless we are in the world. People aim to educate themselves and go on to do whatever they can to better the world in their own way and yet, it really feels like nothing’s improving sometimes. I could talk about this for hours but maybe I’ll leave that for another time and another analysis post since this is supposed to be a shorter one (lmao)

Last but not least, RZFZX or Ren Zha Fanpai Zijiu Xitong (honestly this one I use the english name for because I can’t pronounce the chinese as much as I try - The scum villain's self saving system or Svsss). This one I actually kinda struggled with - first of all because WHY BUGS MXTX. Not much bothers me in fiction but BUGS? Too far. Heads with spider legs? Raw flesh with maggots? Blood mites? I was out (for about half an hour and then I kept reading). Please note that it's not the raw flesh that bothered me, it was the fucking maggots. I can read about graphic murder, creepy hauntings, torture and many more but as soon as there are bugs? Nope! I’m done. People have phobias and that’s mine I guess. Enough ranting about bugs!

The story follows Shen Qingqiu, the scum villain of the hit web novel Proud Immortal Demon's Way (or PIDW for short, as it's referred to in Svsss) who is actually one of the original readers - and haters - of PIDW, who transmigrates into the book in order to fix the plot holes left by the original author. With his guide “the system” he does his best to lead the male lead of PIDW, Luo Binghe, down a better path than in the original story.

Svsss employs a comedic way of storytelling, with our protagonist being omniscient, it allows for the narration to be sarcastic and poke fun at a lot of moments that are cliche or badly written, as interpreted by sqq. Honestly, this is just a personal preference but I favour the more serious storytelling way of MDZS and TGCF (give me hurt until the very end when the main characters get together and then give me comfort).

To me, Svsss is a lot harder to analyse as a lot of its themes are unfamiliar to me, especially considering I’m the furthest from having any sort of humanitarian education (I have 2 engineering degrees). Using a story within a story, MXTX is able to deliver two main overarching themes; one about abuse and its results through Luo Binghe as well as one about the relationship of author and their readers, the feeling of being trapped by the readers' opinions and wanting your story to be liked through Shang Qinghua (to be honest, I hadn’t really picked up on this one until I saw discussion about this in the fandom).

If I'm being completely honest, I don't think I grasped this series as well as the other ones and I'm finding it hard to digest lbg and sqq's relationship. I'm unsure as to what it is that's holding me back from loving them as much as Hualian and Wangxian. I do tend to prefer tropes like theirs more than the whole "had to convince him to date me" thing which is what Bingqiu's relationship seemed like to me up until the end of volume 3. It’s also why I'm glad I actually followed through and finished the extras in volume 4 (I was really tempted to stop reading once I finished volume 3 not gonna lie). I believe those to be integral to understanding sqq's feelings towards lbh and while I understand that sqq did actually love lbh from the beginning (denial is a river in egypt and the gloset is made of glass - what the fuck is with MXTX's bottoms and the damn glass closet), I struggled to see the tipping point of where he actually understood his own feelings and what was going on in his head and that he was actually in love with lbh. Which is why I think to really understand Svsss, I would seriously need to reread it.

I also would love to eventually talk about queerness in MXTX's work because in each book, sexuality and queerness is explored and examined in so many different ways. As a queer person myself, it fascinates me as I can relate to so much of it. To be honest, I think I could write a short thesis on just this.

Honestly, while I'm very passionate about my favourite pieces of media (if you've heard me talk about any of my top 5 anime you'll understand what I mean), there hasn't been a lot of things outside JJK and MXTX's novels that have made me wanna dive deep into analysing every single detail. It genuinely makes me feel like I'm gonna implode sometimes. These 3 series have seriously reignited my love for reading. I was shown that a good book - in my opinion of course - doesn't need to avoid difficult topics. It simply needs to use them well as a means of delivering a message and a story, rather than them being included just to be included. They also reminded me that I love queer fiction and I need to read more.

I actually would really like to read Erha (or 2ha or The husky and his white cat shizun) but I've read the content warnings and I'm ~~apprehensive~~. While not a lot of things bother me, I'm not sure I want to read about that stuff (please look at the content warnings of this book, or any piece of media in that matter, especially if you have topics that easily bother or trigger you). Remember, it's our responsibility as readers/consumers to look out for ourselves first!

Please recommend any good danmei (other than MXTX) and possibly include links where they can be read! I would also highly appreciate recommendations for some good wlw fantasy fiction as I really would love to read some wlw novels - or even anime/movies/webtoons/manga. Just in desperate need of quality wlw content.

Also while I said I'd keep it short, it seems I ended up writing over 2000 words…

PS. I proofread this about 5 times and during one of them my file crashed, so if there's any mistakes or if I’m not making sense somewhere, blame my deep-fried brain, thanks

Thanks for reading my novel ramble! Enjoy reading :)

theNanamiSimp

[atlas-of-galaxies]

can you pretty please with a cherry on top talk more about the polysho drawing you did where Rui "kidnaps" Emu please it's been living in my brain and I really want to know more about it

ohh you shouldn't have <3

basically, it's your generic fantasy au with princesses and magic and knights, loosely based off the Valentine's + White Day sets from 2022 and 2023. Emu is a princess sick of stuffy castle life. while she loves to spend time with Tsukasa and the rest of her knights, they never let her do anything fun (read: dangerous).

one day when she sneaks out, however, she meets a sorcerer named Rui. he's rather startled to see the princess all the way in the outskirts of town, but when she reacts with absolute delight to the same magical powers that inspired fear in the rest of the townsfolk, he quickly finds himself growing fond of her. the two begin regularly meeting in secret, where Emu would tell Rui about her day and Rui would excite her with new spells.

the stress of castle life seems to be getting to Emu, though. seeing this, Rui proposes a break from it all - in the form of a staged "kidnapping". Emu ecstatically agrees.

of course, no one in the castle is informed of this, leading to Tsukasa pursuing the sorcerer when he steals the princess away. with no idea where to start looking for them, however, he goes to the townsfolk, knocking on doors and asking for knowledge about the sorcerer's whereabouts.

there, he meets a rather shy songstress named Nene, who, strangely enough, has an idea about where to find him. she doesn't offer forth how she knows, obviously, since this annoying knight doesn't need to know that she and Rui grew up as next door neighbors, and that he only moved when his latent magic powers became too sporadic and dangerous to live near others.

the knight also doesn't need to know that she really just wants to see her friend again, honestly.

taking Nene along with as a guide, Tsukasa passes their time during their rescue mission with thinking up all the horrible experiments the princess might be subject to. (Nene knows Rui would never hurt her, but such certainty might draw suspicion, so she keeps her mouth shut.)

when they finally arrive, they come across the horrifying scene of ... Emu and Rui having a tea party? certain that this was some bizarre mind control trick, Tsukasa retrieves the princess and finally brings her back to the castle, though Nene stays behind with the sorcerer.

Emu, upon her return to the castle, is utterly miserable. she hadn't meant to worry everyone, but she'd been having so much fun with Rui ... it takes some convincing (read: begging), but Tsukasa finally gives in and takes pity on her. he agrees to let her see the sorcerer again, but only under the circumstance he could come with to make sure there was no funny business.

meanwhile, Nene and Rui had been catching up. kidnapping the princess was pretty insane for a cry for attention, but ... Rui actually seemed ... happy. at least he was, until Emu was taken back to the castle and he was led to believe he'd never see her again.

luckily for both of them, Emu and Tsukasa soon arrive, and with a surprising proposition for both of them: official positions in the castle as its resident sorcerer and songstress. neither Nene nor Rui think those are positions castles normally offer, but for some reason, they trust them.

besides, the castle could be good for them - Nene would build her confidence with a regular audience, and Rui would get endorsement and supplies for his craft.

plus, they'd get to kiss see with the princess and her easy-to-tease knight. it's a no-brainer.

[lyssala]

The Sun & The Moon: On the FFXVI Ending

Throwing my thoughts on the ending into the void.

Aka I keep seeing posts about the ending so I need to type out my thoughts to validate myself.

For reference, we played on release and did two full play throughs.

First of all, I am a happy ending person. I want desperately to find the happiness because there was so much suffering so much loss. Saving the world or not, the thought of Clive having come so close to his own happy ending, of having the family and the love he never got to have, so damn close and then still ending up dying alone on a beach leaving the people waiting for him wondering if he would ever come back to them seems so cruel.

But, Lyssa, you played XV too, and Noctis legitimately sacrificed himself in the end to save the world. You’re right, he did, and that ending still makes me ugly cry because I also didn’t think it was fair that he had to do that. The thing were XV and XVI differ is, we see Noctis in the after with Luna, in their wedding attire, finally together. It’s immensely bittersweet, but we see them at peace. We do not get that in XVI SO point by point let’s GO.

(Warning for spoilers, including character death, in other Final Fantasy games as well)

Why I Don’t Think We Can Assume Any of the Three are Dead

1. The Ancient Rule of Storytelling: No body, you say? THEY AIN’T DEAD.

Usually used when a villain “is defeated” but then they can never find a body - guess what, Luffy is going to have to beat their ass YET again. Final Fantasy has never shied away from character death. From Minwu (FFII) to Tellah (FFIV) to Aerith (FFVII) to Zack (FFVII:CC) to Haurchefant (FFXIV) to Noctis (FFXV), heck even other character death in XVI.

Dion to me is the iffiest one, and I say it with a heavy heart because I loved Dion. He fell early and he had death flags on him BUT we didn’t even see him hit the ground so I still standby that if Clive could survive falling from Origin, Dion could too.

Joshua we actually did see die, and it was terrible - both when it happened and when Clive went back to mourn his brother (again for that matter and thanks I’m crying again). The thing is, we also explicitly watch Clive use Phoenix’s power to heal Joshua. Yeah we don’t see him wake up, but literally what was the point of that action if Joshua was just gonna…you know still be dead. They could have just left him as he was. The whole purpose of showing that action, imo, was to finally give Clive the chance to save his brother, which was all he wanted for so much of his life. I don’t believe that was done as just “well you tried but he really dead, bro.” To me it was to show, no, Joshua has a chance to live the life he always wanted too.

Clive, despite all his dang death flags, is still the most secure to me because the last time we see him, he’s still alive. We know he survived the fall, we know he was conscious on the beach, we only saw the curse spread to his hand. If they really wanted to hint he would die there, we easily could have seen the curse spreading to his face. We didn’t though. He was tired, and weak but he was alive. They made an effort to show him alive. If they truly wanted an ambiguous ending they didn’t even need to show him on the beach, just showing Origin fall would be enough. They didn’t though. They showed the man alive, calling out to Jill, not as apology for breaking his promise but a “I can see the moon same as you, I’m still here.”

2. The Ding Dang Themes of the Game

We spend the whole game determined to fight fate, and while yes, fate was defeated when Ultima was defeated, because the human will won…then didn’t because the man who was determined to fight and escape those binds still ended up lost those everyone who loves him…which was part of the fate he was trying to escape? Final Fantasy games have had dark elements before, and they’ve been heartbreakingly sad. They’ve shown loss of all sorts some self sacrifice, and some because the world can be just so cruel. However, once thing Final Fantasy isn’t is loss without hope.

Noctis got to say goodbye to his best friends (yes I am crying again don’t you dare mention Stand by Me in my presence) because he knew what was coming and they knew what was coming. It gutted me, but they all knew and had come to terms with it. It was Noctis’ choice to walk in there knowing he was not coming back. Clive was not the same. He didn’t say goodbye, he said, I’m coming back. While everyone knew there was a risk which is why it was so emotional to say goodbye, he had a life he wanted to return to, one he spoke of returning to. It was never, “You’re coming back right?” And then they skirt around giving a firm answer because they just don’t know. Clive was firm about it, he was coming back, it was his will to come back and guess what won against Ultimia? You guessed it, human will.

Having Clive die alone on a beach after all of that? After all he went through and after all he still wanted? That to me is just cruel, and Final Fantasy has never been cruel. Ren also made the good point that if Clive was to die, Joshua would have fallen with him, so it ended in a reversal of beginning with Joshua watching Clive die instead of the other way around. That didn’t happen either though. He was on the beach, again, still alive (see point 1 as a reminder), additionally, if he thought he was dying, I’d imagine he’d be apologizing to Jill for breaking his promise. In fact that’s what I SWORE he was going to do, but he didn’t. His will to survive was still intact when we left him which to me fits far more with the theme of this game then dying alone on a beach.

3. The Sun and the Moon (It’s Clive and Jill, It’s Just Literally Them)

So yeah I know that the sun and moon imagery is usually used to describe star crossed lovers, never meant to be as the sun and moon rotate. The game already proved that was untrue, they were always meant to be. By all odds they survived and somehow found one another again.

Jill, the moon of course, always said it was because of her prayer to Metia, that every time she prayed for him to return to her, Metia granted her prayer. I say this as someone who grew up religious but now am not, Jill believed it I’m sure but I think it was Jill. Love has also been a huge theme in Final Fantasy, and Jill’s heart filled prayers to keep Clive safe, always had. Not necessarily because a god deemed it so (again, defying gods a huge Final Fantasy theme lol) but her complete and sincere love for Clive, that always kept him safe to come home to her. She prayed for him as he was leaving for origin, just as heart felt as she always had. Why would that fail now the time she probably desired it more than any other time? That also seems so cruel. For him to be torn from her when they were so close to finally being able to have the life they dreamed of together. What purpose does that serve? It wouldn’t except for Jill to have yet another thing in her life to break her heart and leave her to pick up the pieces. I think she would, for Clive’s memory, but again, it feels like loss for no reason but loss. Jill deserves her happy ending too.

You find out later on even more so why Jill cherished the moon, because it brought the sunrise (or you know Clive in the metaphor here) and with the sun the promise the Clive would always come for her. One he never broke. They literally went out of their way to say “the sunrise meant you’d always come for me, I know this.” It was a direct setup for the ending. It was her seeing the star she always prayed on for Clive flicker out, and in that moment I think she did lose all hope because that was the one thing she could always count on to bring him home (to which again, not a god, but her love that brought him home). She is distraught (and so was I so we have that in common LOL) but then, the sun rises, and she smiles. It’s hope. It’s her hope because Clive has never broken a promise to her, and the sunrise has always brought him to her. I have no reason to believe the sunrise didn’t bring him home to her like it always has. Not a single point in this game has given me reason to believe it so why would I?

4. They Did the Thing! The Name of the Game!

A smaller point but one none the less. I sure hope you all played every single side-quest. One particular one, leaves you with a quill to add to Clive’s wall of treasures; one with the sole purpose of when (not if) Clive puts his sword down, that he writes his story. What do we see in the after credits? Literally, a book that is telling his story. Idk how more clear they gotta be that Clive is gonna be okay (tbf I WISH they would have just told me he was gonna be okay too LOL)

Granted, Joshua Rosfield is the author to which, it really could have been him writing Clive’s story in his absence or it could have been Clive and using the name to memorialize his brother’s name. Or it could have been the both of them and they used Joshua’s name because Clive is content living his life behind the scenes. He’s never wanted attention or praise. I don’t think he ever would have used his own name.

Additionally, the ending lines that equates to as my journey ends another one begins to me never meant journey = life. His journey was over, he did what he set out to do. The new journey? Traveling the realms with his wife in a world without the burdens of magic and doing what they do best, help the people who need it.

5. Doggy Knows Best

And finally, my last point is, Torgal knows what’s up. Technically, this is Ren’s point so I give him the credit here but animals, especially Torgal who is more than just a dog (literally an Eikon himself bonded to Jill and Clive, something acknowledged in the game), know when their master is hurt or worse. We’ve seen Torgal when one of them are hurt or in danger or not coming home. Yet at the end of the game, when Jill is absolutely breaking Torgal simply howls.

You know where else he did that? When he was trying to find Clive after Phoenix Gate and he would sit and howl. They were already bonded, he knew Clive (and Jill) were alive but he didn’t know where so he howled for his people until he could find them. It’s the same thing he does at the end of the game. He knows Clive is alive out there, and they are just separated but they’ll find another again because just like Jill, Torgal has no reason to believe otherwise.

And honestly I’m going to believe the dog.

Final Thoughts…For Now Cause I Always Have Thoughts its the ADHD

If you read all this, I hope it brought you some peace <3 I don’t believe a cop out everyone died ending is indicative to the wonderful storytelling this team has brought us in FFXIV. If anything, it reminds me of the ending of A Realm Reborn when you are convinced all the Scions are dead and then ope nope they’re fine just scattered and we’ll find them yeah SOUND FAMILIAR LOL I think they left it open to let people come to their own conclusions but in my heart of hearts I believe they had no intention to let Clive die on that beach because nothing in the story leads me to that conclusion.

If they try to tell me otherwise, well then I’ll go full denial LOL but unless Yoshi-P calls me up and says girl stop you’re wrong, I’ll continue to push my Clive finally gets his happy ending and travels the realms with Jill like he promised her <3 (ONE MORE THING: why the heck would they have Jill just be like mmmm think I wanna leave this realm when its over, lets see the world if they had no future content planned YOU CAN’T FOOL ME she could have easily said anything but she said something that would directly give us more content okay I’m done lol)

[alexstandoll]

Twenty Questions For Fic Writers

Thanks @closetfascination for tagging! 💙🥰

1. how many works do you have on AO3? 17

2. what's your total AO3 word count? 247,155

3. what fandoms do you write for? i've written in a few fandoms, but currently writing 13 reasons why and this random fic (koreans rpf actually) in my docs that's for my eyes only, y'know just to mend writer's block

4. top five fics by kudos:

Who's The Boss - Bohemian Rhapsody RPF [pair: ben x joe]

bodybag. - 13 Reasons Why [pair: monty x alex]

Stalker Angel - Bohemian Rhapsody RPF [pair: ben x joe]

As Luck Would Have It - 13 Reasons Why [pair: monty x alex]

YIN & YANG - 13 Reasons Why [pair: monty x alex]

5. do you respond to comments? Yes. it may take a while though ><

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? damn, i hav a few actually, way wayy back in fanfiction.net, some i posted here on Tumblr and Ao3 ofc. Here they are:

Forever Gone - a FFF13/FF15 crossover fic [the title is very obvious, written back in 2011, posted in fanfiction.net and i made many readers cry even tho reading it now, my writing/grammar there was truly bad]

As Luck Would Have It - 13 Reasons Why

Eternity - Bohemian Rhapsody RPF

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i'm bad at finishing fics tbh! but so far, i can say it's accismus; i guess. lmaoo a 13 Reasons Why (mony x winston pairing)

8. do you get hate on fics? i received a spammer once

9. do you write smut? yes. lmaooo but lately, i don't have any interest in writing/putting some on my fics. maybe just soft ones, or i only write soft ones. 😅😂

10. craziest crossover? I've written crossover fic half my life! Final Fantasy 13 x Final Fantasy 15. But my craziest crossover would be 13 Reasons Why x Plan B crossover.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? Thankfully, no. It's not like I write really interesting stories for others to steal 🤭🤞

12. have you ever had a fic translated? No.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? yes, with my sis, but for our own entertainment only.

14. all time favorite ship? I have tons of ship! From Anime, Games, Series, Movies, so i don't think there's a ever an all time fave.

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? bodybag. 😭 and this bohrap rpf i never yet posted i've been writing (and evenrtually stopped) for centuriesss

16. what are your writing strengths? my sis said it's dialogue. and i also think it's dialogue.

17. what are your writing weaknesses? maybe how to like how my story will go, like how i will make everything play out! and also ENDINGS! so baddd at them.

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? i'd love to tbh, i always wanted to write a monty as half-filipino since the actor played is half-filipino. ha ha but i don't think fandom will buy it. lmaoo

19. first fandom you wrote in? FINAL FANTASY! it sounds like jurassic now hehe

20. favorite fic you've written? i guess it would be YIN & YANG and also in peril (TMFU fic posted here on Tumlbr)

tagging: @stephanythedramaqueen ; @sanaxnayeon ; @heysweetheart-writes and whoever wants to do this.

[layzeal]

Thank you for your reply on LWJ's character! I have still doubts honestly, because you interpreted the Incense Burner extra as a dream from the real teen!lwj while I also suspected it was a dream he had later on (maybe he had a mix of different ambiguous dreams) but it was greatly influenced by wwx himself during the sex scene on the wood and then his no-more--repressed feelings influenced his subconscius and he basically filled a fantasy prompt. But I saw many have different opinions, I based my idea because according to MXTX lwj have read 🔞 books only after mxy!wwx's return and then I have the "oh" moment when I remembered the gay book porn on the dream.

But again, many people have different opinions on that, I don't want to say my opinion is the most correct!

Incense Dream apart, I understand what you said about LWJ's conflicted repressed feelings and this is why I love him and think to him as a fascinating character. But to me none of this conflict/fear/discomfort can translate as sadism because sadists actually have true joy on inflicting pain and no feelings of guilty and I have never seen this enjoyment from lwj, not even when he's a bit aggressive in bed and he's free from restrain, so I still think such word doesn't really belong to LWJ in his essence and this is a bit "too much" exploration of his dark side (?).

Actually LWJ is very limpid to me. I'm not saying he can't do mistakes, he's totally aware he did bad at the blindfold kiss. Maybe he's more possessive than an actual sadist, because he kissed wwx after wwx threw him a flower during the parade at the Jins hunting, among other girls who did the same at the cultivators as a sign of admiration and desire for courtship (it's a common tradition 🤩) and this of course unleashed a mix of explosive feelings on lwj. He reacted on his impulse and possessive desires, later regretted it. But the true beauty of lwj to me is that he has the potential of being a possessive husband (the whole hide wwx in gusu like his mother, deny him his freedom etc) but he always choose the opposite road, even though it was the hardest for his heart. This is why the "lwj actually is a sadist" doesn't sit well on how I see him. And even being finally free of the restrain, no feeling shame of his desires, it doesn't translate to me as sadism (we also have to put in context what the roleplay is, because actually I interpreted the incense dream in this way!) but the natural consequence of a guy with sharp corners who always feel too much, pining too much, crave too much, and he didn’t know how to do with these emotions because he also felt a bit alienated.

This post is going to be long sorry! I hope it doesn't bother you.

no worries!! lemme just put another read more here LMAO

i think this might just be a difference in interpretation of the wording, then? because by all means, lan wangji fits very well into the terminology of "sadist" in the sexual, bdsm context, he's not a true sadist! but this would mean getting into a whole other conversation about kink analysis and sex ed that i don't really have the energy right now kdjkdjhvjfh but be assured, it's not about lan wangji enjoying hurting people, it's just about him enjoying seeing wwx whine and cry and "fight back" (and then have some very sweet loving aftercare right after)

(funnily enough, even on your first ask, while i was still on the "HUH???" stage, i was reminded on this little section from the incense burner extra, and then thinking about it i was like "wait that person must have meant that other type of sadist")

and yep, on that whole "when did lwj begin 'doing research' by himself", i do tend to put it in his teenage years because of what MXTX said about the Lan library... *ahem* being a big library, but ngl i am also heavily influenced by that one audio drama extra where LQR says that LXC saw him studying a buddhist scripture very attentively and when LQR asks him about it he gets all flusteres, has a flashback to the libraru scene and then tells LQR "he doesn't fully understand the material yet" SKJDFHJKSDHFKJDSHK good teenji i love you. mxtx was so vague about it, and when reading the interview i still can't see it as "he only read it after wwx returned", only that he didnt do it suring those 13 years, which makes sense! my poor guy was grieving too much to get horny about gay sex with wei ying 😭 but considering how he did already know how to do it after guanyin temple, and up until that point LWJ still believed WWX had rejected him, i can only see him doing any actual research before wei wuxian died KDSFJHKDSKDJFHKJ

on everything you said about "But "the true beauty of lwj to me is that he has the potential of being a possessive husband (the whole hide wwx in gusu like his mother, deny him his freedom etc) but he always choose the opposite road, even though it was the hardest for his heart." i aboslutely agree with, and it's also one of my favorite things about lan wangji!!! he's so aware of his desires and what he should and shouldn't do, that when he does slip, he becomes SO frustrated with himself, he can only punch a tree and yell at wwx to get away from him, though it is that last part about how his sexual desires don't translate into sadism. it does, he is by definition a sadist!! just like wei wuxian is also by definition a masochist!! but ONLY in these sexual scenarios they create for themselves, and not in the actual, violent sense of the word that he finds actual joy in hurting people. context matters!!

[necesito-mas-cafe]

Good Omens 2 Spoilers

This is all me being absolutely normal about it.

I need everyone to know that I don't speak English, I just went through all this through the translator and I don't have the strength in me to correct it. It's three o'clock in the bloody morning and I barely finished the last chapter I wrote this.

The second season of Good Omens ripped me apart from the inside out. I saw absolutely nothing before the premiere, neither the trailer nor any post about it, I didn't even stop for the theories (well, I did a little) and the fanarts.

And my God.

I'm fucking crying and I don't know if it's the good way or the bad way.

Aziraphael and Crowley if they knew each other before they fell 😭😭, they were friends who hung out. Aziraphael apparently misses those times a lot. Crowley is so cute in this, like, I legitimately feel like I could sit down with him and have a lively conversation that doesn't involve alcohol or dolphins.

(Also, the scene where Crowley covers Aziraphael with his wing from the meteor shower (what were those things???) made me squeal with the same energy as a little girl when her parents tell her to buy her favorite ice cream).

Aziraphael is apparently a landlord??? like, wtf (And Crowley lives in his fucking car with two (2) boxes of plants, lol). I really liked Maggie and Nina, although I feel sorry for Nina and the whole thing with her (ex)partner (although it's also pretty obvious that the chick was kind of intense).

Crowley going back to the bookstore after his fight with Zira (and his run-in with Beelzebub) to protect him is very 😭💚💚. Crowley has actually been helping him since time immemorial (and wouldn't it be a happier world if he could continue to do so?).

The whole street probably thinks Mr. Fell has weird fetishes, just imagine the rumours.

It's fun to think about how Miguel got a desk based on Gabriel saying he had one.

Crowley suffers directly for lending his precious car to Zira, and he still does it because he loves it. (Also, Muriel is just too adorable in all of this, dammit, I want to give her hot chocolate and a pat on the head for her good work 🤧).

How come Gabriel and Beelzebub developed their bloody romance before the beings that were rightfully "running around" for six thousand years????? It's the funniest and most pathetic (for my ineffable (😭😭😭) husbans) I've ever seen. It is also sweetness that rots teeth).

Crowley's angel costume is fucking hilarious.

After the whole climax is resolved (I'm not commenting on it too much, I'm still processing it) Crowley finally gets up the nerve to tell Aziraphael his feelings (with a lot of help) but is interrupted by Zira, who (dramatically a bit) told Crowley that he could return him to when they were both happy together, like angels, in heaven, which shows us that even though Crowley is Crowley, he prefers the No-fallen-angel-Crowley in order to fulfill his perfect fantasy. And yet, after that, Crowley confesses to Aziraphael, offering to stay together, just the two of them, on his own side. Azira can't accept that, and Crowley can't accept Azira's offer, and after a kiss (which felt like a stab to my heart) they went their separate ways.

AND END

I'M YELLING TOO MUCH

I don't know how to feel about it; my expectations for their relationship was that they would hold hands, not that.

The ending is so perfect and yet so fucking painful 😭.

I need a 3rd damn season (or not, I really (very painfully) liked the ending it had, though the whole second coming thing in the finale has me 👀 if you know what I mean).

[smaragaide]

Hi.

I just read House of Green and Black and holy shit, this is so good. It took me a couple days to bust through it but damn. I'm in love! It's everything that I love in a story. Dark gothic vibes, dark and complicated romance, the hero is not your typical beefy gorgeous male character. I think this is why I like Petyr Baelish so much cuz he can be so much more and you've taken that to the moon and back. I love how you write him and keep him complicated.

Sansa. My poor baby. She's been through hell and it isn't over. The kids.

I'm thinking of all these dreams she's having and wonder how they play out. It seems like she's seeing the future or maybe I'm reading it all wrong. I like how you keep to specific pov's so you see everything play out in their pov even though you know other shit is going on. Really great way to build suspense. Just because Sansa doesn't know, then you see what Petyr is up to and vice versa. It's a really cool switch where he's in control early on and now he's the one wondering wtf happened.

Bruh, I really hope you finish this. I think I might have an idea of where it's going. There's a lot of real world vs fantasy and what is real or if the characters know what's real or if maybe they're going crazy and you don't know which one is losing it?

Of if the fairies, kinda like the fates are in control or know this is what has to happen. I really want a happy ending but I honestly don't care at this point. If I have to cry my eyes out, I will do so and still be happy.

This should be published. It's that effing good. You are an amazing writer and I'm a firm believer that there are better stories and writers doing fan fiction that shit I've paid money for in the bookstore.

I don't even care it's Game of Thrones based. This plot is excellent all by itself. It's rare that I feel like I'm completely immersed in a character and story where I can't stop reading.

I really hope you consider finishing this story. It's honestly one of the best pieces of gothic fantasy fiction I've read in years. This would make a killer movie.

Oh wow. I don't know what to say but a humble thank you for that.

Ironically, I'm actually debating whether I should finish this story as it is (fanfiction) or completely re-write for an original novel. I have the most awesome person on the planet willing to help me and I better make a decision soon.

You're on the right track but I won't say on which points you've made. It would spoil the entire ending.

I spent a lot of time with foreshadowing, leaving red herrings (which come into play in ways the reader might not expect). There is quite a bit on my playing with Irish folklore but keeping it vague enough to work with my plot.

Sansa has questioned her sanity already and gone through the ringer and now in a way, it's Petyr's turn. You're right. He is usually in control and to have that taken away from him, rather eats him alive.

There is emphasis on fate and choices as a theme to the very end.

There are actually a LOT of hints along the way that will make complete sense at the end when the reader and two character finally figure things out. I hope I've laid enough down that when a big reveal comes it shocks everyone. There is quite a twist near the end that I don't think anyone knows, except my sweet, loving beta editor.

She has been cursed with all my crazy ass notes and outlining. But it's different than actually READING it play out.

It's weird because when I write, I see a movie play out. I want to see, feel, touch, smell everything. I like using the 3rd Person Limited POV. The character can be an unreliable narrator and the reader only finds out when the character does. The only way this plot works is to use both Sansa and Petyr's POV due to the complexity of the story.

I don't like 3rd Person Omniscient because it rather ruins the suspense with that 'all knowing' narrator. I really wanted the reader to feel like they're in the story.

I really need to get off my ass and finish it. I think by then if anyone thinks it's worth publishing, I'll go through and change the necessary things to make it wholly original (character names, places, etc). I've actually loosely based this on GOT, meaning I used a few characters to use their traits and relationships more than a true fanfiction that resembles canon.

I suppose if readers want that, I have plenty of stories that are more canon related. I guess my modern PxS fic is super loose on the GOT stuff too but oh well.

Lord, I'm sorry. I can go on forever.

I really appreciate that you binged that monster and it didn't bore you.

Again, I'm very humbled by your kind words.