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panlight · 8 months ago

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The first Twilight book ending with so much genuinely intriguing information about Alice that is immediately ignored is so crazy to me that it’s honestly funny.

The other vampires don’t necessarily remember their human lives well compared to their vampire ones but they do clearly have a lot of memories that inform who they are as people. And then we find out that Alice remembers almost nothing about being human and is the only vampire we meet who basically had her entire personality be created from only her vampire life. And the idea of who someone would be if they had only ever been a super powered future seeing non human is interesting, and it would have been especially interesting to see how it makes her act different from the others and perceive the world differently because she wouldn’t in any way identify with humanity or being human and any human experiences.

And then she just is exactly like everyone else and no it didn’t actually affect a single thing about her personality. And the fact that as both a human and vampire she has never experienced time in a linear fashion is way less impactful on her character than one would think beyond that she used future sight as a helpful tool.

Smeyer is so wild for creating genuinely really cool character and world building ideas and then immediately ignoring them and not considering that they would in any way correlate to how that character acts

Oh for sure! There are so many fascinating little character details that just . . . don't . . . go . . . anywhere. Really Alice waking up as a vampire with no memory of anything else is SO interesting and could be such a contrast to the others, but it's only sort of hinted at and doesn't end up really mattering at all. There's Edward's line about how if she hadn't had her ability to see the future and saw Jasper and Carlisle and where her life would end up, she'd probably have turned out to be a feral monster or something and how no one could understand how she could be abandoned like that. SM pays lips service to the idea that Alice doesn't remember being human but she mostly uses that to like, push her into being obsessed with human rites of passage for Bella that she can sort of live vicariously through rather than a deeper, more meaningful exploration of what it would be like to be in Alice's shoes.

Genuinely, I'm fascinated by every single one of the Cullens' stories as newborns except Bella's, because it's just the most boring one. She doesn't give up or lose anything, she doesn't wake up to a world she didn't know existed. She's about as well-informed as a human could be and she wants to be a vampire and is instantly good at it so it's all just so . . . blah. Alice waking up with no memory and superpowers and insatiable thirst is about 1000 times more interesting. Just imagine how disorientating and confusing and frightening that would be! Carlisle lived out his own horror movie as a newborn, being bitten on a vampire hunting raid gone wrong, hiding during his transformation out of fear his father would burn him alive, realizing what he had become and trying to destroy himself before he hurt anyone ending with him starving himself in the woods for months. Jasper, too, had a whole horror movie where he was the nightmarish monster, to humans as well as other vampires. And the other Cullens died and 'woke' up to a new life they had no idea about and had to lean on strangers they either barely knew or didn't know at all. That's the interesting stuff. That's what I like about vampire stories. But these experiences barely matter to how they act in the present day. Jasper's poor self control matters in some scenes and doesn't matter at all in others. Rosalie's baby obsession is a big feature of Breaking Dawn, but Esme, who actually had and lost a baby, might as well be wallpaper in that book. Edward's going on about how could he ever love this thing if it kills Bella, meanwhile Carlisle's mother literally DID die giving birth to him and it never enters the conversation.

And for SM, Alice's whole "doesn't remember being human" ends up being focused entirely on like, shopping and parties and clothes, so she can live vicariously through Bella. And on one hand there's something interesting in there, something pathetic (in the pathos sense) with Alice trying to understand humanity in this sort of superficial way because she doesn't have the experience or memories to go any deeper, but it's mostly portrayed as just wheee isn't Alice fun! I wish I had a sister/best friend like Alice! It's just blatantly obvious that it's less about who Alice is than what she can do for Bella.

Even in New Moon where we find out that Alice has been researching her own history, found her own grave and asylum admission papers, and it goes nowhere! It doesn't change how Alice behaves at all, it doesn't change her relationship with Bella, Bella just kind of goes "huh interesting" and we never hear about it again. I mean Alice goes through it in these books and you wouldn't even know! She finds out that James had hunted her when she was human and this other vampire turned her to save her and died defending her. She finds out she was put in an asylum by her father and he told everyone she was dead. And even though she's the 4th most prominent character after Bella, Edward and Jacob, there's still no room in the Bella-centric narrative for Alice to have the space to actually deal with any of this. She's too busy fulfilling her role as Bella's fairy godmother sister.

#asks #alice cullen

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lila-lou · 1 year ago

Text

✨Broken✨

Summary: Dean made a huge mistake and had to deal with the consequences.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Language, angst, hurt, -but some fluff in between

Word Count: 1882

A/N: English isn’t my first language, so please be lenient. 💙✨

“Goodbye, Dean Winchester”, you giggled as you briskly turned towards your front door. Dean gave you the biggest Smile you had ever see on anyone's face. He shook his head in amusement, his eyes shining. “You’re something else (y/n)”, he chuckled and continued grinning while opening the door of his car. “Oh, you fucking bet!”, You winked at him before parting ways. At least for tonight.

Just a Date. One single date. A single evening. Without sex, without kissing. It only took four hours for you to fall head over heels in love with him. Four hours of your laughter, your sparkling eyes and your sassy jokes were all it took for Dean to fall head over heels in love with you.

3 missed calls.

6 missed calls and 2 messages.

13 missed calls and 8 messages.

"Just leave me alone!", you cursed, throwing your phone in the corner of your dingy motel room as tears steadily streamed down your cheeks. You sat on the floor with your face in your arms and your legs bent, leaning your back against the creaky bed. You never imagined that you would be sitting here like a heap of misery, crying your eyes out. Not because of your fiancée. Not because of Dean.

The two of you had been together for 6 years, engaged for a year and were actually planning on getting married in two months. You had come to terms with his lifestyle, his living situation and all the dangers, the monsters and all that shit that came with his way of life. You sacrificed everything normal for this man… and for what?

Dean was the love of your life and until three days ago you thought he felt the same way, but you were obviously wrong.

8 missed calls.

12 missed calls and 8 messages.

16 missed calls and 18 messages.

You immediately regretted it when you looked at your phone after a way too long shower. Not just because of all the messages and missed calls, but also because of your wallpaper. It showed the happiest moment of your life. A photo Sam had taken shortly after Dean put an engagement ring on your finger. You camped in the mountains of Montana. Dean had waited for the most beautiful sunset of all and proposed to you in front of a beautiful, large lake. As the two of you lay hugged in front of the campfire in the twilight, Sam took advantage of your inattention to take this great snapshot.

“It suits you”, Dean stroked your slim fingers. “It´s beautiful”, you whispered, barely audible, your voice trembling slightly. Your back was pressed against his chest and you were sitting between his legs. With sparkling eyes, you turned to him and looked him in the eyes. “I love you”, you whispered. “I love you”, he replied, just as lovestruck as you. You were so sweet and cheesy that even Sam felt sick at the sight of you two.

As said, the most beautiful and happiest moment of your life.

Wearing only a towel, you sat down on the bed and looked at your hand with the ring. Was it all just lies? Was he that good at hiding his true self?

You had already forgiven him for so much and overlooked so much. Even when he almost killed you as a demon, you didn't stop loving him.

But it was different now.

“Dean… you really up for this? I don’t know if this is such a good idea“, you mumbled as you got out of the shower together 10 days ago. "If not now, when? (y/n), I love you. I couldn't imagine a future with any other woman and I'm sure we would be great parents. Please Sweetheart, give it a shot. Or better yet, let me get to take a shot”, he wiggled his Eyebrows, before taking your hands in his.

“Please, Baby”.

You looked at him doubtfully and there was silence for a few minutes before you took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s try for a little Dean then”, you sighed, still a little hesitant. It was the second biggest smile you'd ever had to see on Dean's lips. His arms wrapped around your body, almost crushing you as he spun you through the air once before carrying you to your bedroom.

You looked at the clock and started getting dressed. It was time to leave the motel and move on. You didn't know where to go yet. You didn't know how long either. What you knew was that you needed space.

Distance from everything and everyone.

You still hoped that Dean had been possessed, hexed or cursed in some way, but based on his and Sam's texts, that was obviously not the case. Drunk, yes. However, nothing more.

You've been gone for four weeks now. Four weeks in which you didn't let anyone hear from you, in which you were constantly on the move so no one could find you and four weeks in which Dean slowly but surely became sick from worry.

"Dean!", Sam knocked on his older brother's door. Dean hasn't come out of his room in three days except to pee. He didn't eat anything, he didn't talk, he just vegetated.

“Come on, buddy. You have to eat something! Starving won't bring her back either”. After fifteen minutes, Sam left the plate in front of Dean's door with a sigh and went back into the kitchen to eat his burger.

Two more days passed before Sam took advantage of his brother's pee break to push him against the bathroom wall with his forearm on his throat. "What the hell is wrong with you! Dean, I know (y/n) meant a lot to you, but look at you!", Sam snapped at his brother. Sam was actually the quieter of the two, but he couldn't see how much Dean was letting himself go. He had probably already lost at least 15 pounds, stopped shaving and was basically just a wreck.

With a firm tug, Dean released himself from Sams grip and looked at him angrily.

“You don´t know shit! I lost her, Sammy! I fucking broke her heart and lost the best thing that ever happened to me. You didn't see her eyes. Shit, how could I be so stupid", Dean's voice grew louder and he found himself angrily punching a hole in the wooden bathroom door. “Fucking shit”, he rubbed his face hard as his knuckles bled. Sam sighed before pulling his brother into a tight hug. Of course, Dean fought back at first, but he was just too weak and too sad, so he allowed it, while a few tears ran down his cheeks.

It took another two days before Sam finally got Dean to shower. A week until he was eating somewhat normally again. Two weeks until he came out of his room again. Three until he went hunting again for the first time. But even after a total of 9 weeks, no smile found its way onto his face.

Just like with you.

Nevertheless, you had to overcome yourself, gather all your courage and push open the heavy iron door of the bunker.

You did your best to go downstairs quietly, but Sam, who was about to go jogging, spotted you immediately.

“(y/n)!”

Even though it was tearing you up inside to be here again, you gave Sam a small smile.

“Hey”, you murmur, letting him hug you tightly once you reach the bottom. You couldn't stop your eyes from glazing over. “I missed you, little one”. Sam kissed your head before letting you out of his embrace and studying you. You looked absolutely exhausted and tired.

It took him a few seconds to find his voice again. “He´s in the garage”, Sam said quietly, looking at you with pity. “I’m... just here to get my things”, you cleared your throat and started to walk towards your shared room, but Sam gently held your arm. “I know he made big mistakes (y/n). And I definitely don't want to protect him. You have every right to leave him, but please tell him you're okay. Please let him say goodbye to you”. Sam’s voice was gentle and soothing, but even his compassionate words, for both Dean and you, didn’t change your broken heart. “I… I can’t, Sam”, you slowly pulled your arm away from him.

“(y/n)... please. It breaks him... Please... He's my brother”.

With tears in your eyes, you shook your head and wrapped your arms around your body. "I'm sorry Sammy. I wish you nothing but the best”, you somehow tried to smile before going into your old room.

When you got there, you were briefly surprised to find no chaos. The room has never been as tidy as it is now, but your heart has never hurt as much as it does now when you look at your bed.

With tears streaming down your cheeks and quiet, barely audible sobs escaping your throat, you grabbed the few things you had from the room.

Carrying a large, fully-packed bag, you looked at the picture of yourself on Dean's nightstand, you swallowed hard and walked out the door, your back first as you pulled the door shut. You wiped away your tears with your free hand as you felt something hard against your back.

“(y/n)”.

His voice gave goosebumps all over your body. It was so deep, rough, scratchy. Emotionally charged. Full of regret and sadness. And yet you heard a glimmer of hope. Maybe you wanted to hear that too. Who knows.

You both stood rooted to the spot for a few seconds until Dean tried to turn you around with his hand on your waist, but you immediately slapped his hand away.

“Don’t fucking touch me! Don’t you dare touch me ever again!”, you hissed loudly. Tears immediately welled up in your eyes again. Dean didn’t flinch at your reaction. He wasn't surprised and couldn't blame you. His eyes also slowly filled with tears when he saw the bag over your shoulder.

Dean wanted to take you in his arms, hold you close to him and never let you go. He wanted to show you how much he loved you, show you what a big mistake he had made, prove to you that something like that would never happen again. He would do anything to make up for what he did to you. You were his everything. The love of his life. He wanted to build a future with you. He wanted to have a baby with you. A family. You were his world.

But when he saw the bitterness through all your tears, he knew he had lost. The curtain closed. That's it. The end. He had destroyed everything.

“I love you (y/n)”, he whispered, barely audible.

“You never did”, you replied with a dry throat, taking his hand and placing your engagement ring in it.

"Goodbye Dean Winchester".

———————————

A/N: Please let me know what you think.🥰 Again, I'm thinking about writing a second or even third part. I guess I just can't stick with one-shots ._.

#jensen ackles #spn #dean winchester #dean x y/n #deanwinchtser #dean x you #dean x reader #sam and dean #spn fanart #sam x reader #supernatural #fluff #angst #hurt/comfort #hurtful

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stusbunker · 6 months ago

Text

Spotless: Acciaccato

Chapter Thirty Six

Featuring: Dean Winchester/Reader

Other characters: Castiel, Missouri (mentioned), Cain, nameless thugs, Benny, Sam and Kevin

Word Count: ~3100

Warnings, etc: Mutual pining, still unbeta'd, Dean has a few hard thinks about his past whether he wants to or not. The show must go on.

Super, extra, mega, uber, and deepest thanks to @lastactiontricia on this chapter. I know you could have done so much more with it, but I'm taking the knee. xoxo

Series Masterlist

The rooms the band nabbed in Vegas were straight out of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. It was almost a sin not to share, but at this point Dean would have been stuck with Kevin and even if the kid hadn’t come back in the wee hours with a handful of his own groupies, he doubted Kevin and he would have the same ideas on how to treat a hotel room in the middle of a stay.

Or how to respect a roommate’s privacy.

Instead, he luxuriated in his spacious suite. He told himself he wasn’t hiding or moping. He was just carefully taking some Dean-time before their second show. Besides, he had his therapy appointment in an hour anyway and his laptop was already set up on the desk in his room.

The softness level of the complimentary robe didn’t hurt either.

Dean turned on a ‘70s music station on the all access cable and checked out the city below. There was a time when he was in Vegas more than he was in LA, every minute he wasn’t needed in the studio he was either on the road or in one of Cain’s gyms or clubs.

As he took in the city skyline, it was difficult to stomach that he had ever been that guy. Like rewatching a movie where he once idolized the hero, only to see later, the guy was nothing short of a mass murderer hiding behind a badge. Of course, Dean was ashamed of what he did with all his time here. But more than that, he was terrified that that truth would get out.

That you would realize who he really had been then. Not just some self-absorbed rockstar who fucked anything that turned his head. Who threw away friendships because it was easier than actually working to maintain them. But the mindless rage monster, the guy who was numbed to the point of hurting himself and others to feel alive instead of trapped between planes of existence.

Cain had called it ‘pure’, that base instinct to hurt and dominate, a warrior’s need for victory. But Dean knew now it was an escape, to separate himself from his actions, and to justify the pain he caused and experienced. Dean had no idea if Cain was the man’s given name or not, but it was apropos, the way the man spoke, it was no wonder he was named after the first known murderer.

The room service coffee surpassed the chintzy little one cup brewer they provided in the kitchenette and Dean drank it down greedily. He sat on the leather couch and debated on how he was going to kill the next hour, besides getting dressed. One of the hardest parts of therapy, for Dean, was the build up. Which was why he usually tried to have plans beforehand, so he didn’t overthink too much before they even got started.

But after last night, and being in Vegas at all, he felt safer being alone. Or less exposed, at least.

Dean sighed, set his mug down, and picked up his phone. His wallpaper was the same as always, him and Baby, both bright and smiling for the camera. What the phone screen didn’t say was that Cas had taken the picture. Or that Dean had spent three months in between tours finally fixing her up with his own two hands. There were a lot of things Dean regretted in his life, but the stuff with Cas was at the top of his list.

Before he could stop himself, he pulled up Cas’ number and hit the phone icon. It was the middle of a work day, something he usually never thought about, and Dean was suddenly ashamed to admit he had no idea what Cas was doing for money at the moment.

“Hello?” that gruff familiar voice answered, clearly doubting it was actually Dean calling.

“Hey, Cas. How’s it going?”

“Dean?”

“Yeah.”

“Is everything alright?”

Dean leaned back and tried to sit with the uncomfortableness. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just— felt like checking in.”

The seconds ticked by, but Cas didn’t seem too keen to start up a conversation. The sound of someone working out a riff in the background drew Dean’s focus as his self-doubt almost had him hanging up the phone. Then Cas started moving, the background noise shifted and then disappeared.

“Sorry, we’re recording, but it’s slow going.”

Dean never felt so disconnected from his friend’s life. He didn’t even know they were like a real band or even what they sounded like. Let alone recording. “Wow! Cas, that’s—- that’s great. So what’re you callin’ yourselves?”

“Holy Terror.”

Dean chuckled. “Damn. That’s actually pretty dope, man.”

“I was out voted. I wanted ‘All in the Family’, but apparently that has incestuous implications.”

“Yeah, man, I’m with your bandmates on that one. So— who’s all playing with you? Besides, you know, the kid?”

“Jack. They have a name.”

“I know, dude, it’s just weird because it’s not like I’ve even met ‘em.”

“It is weird for me, too. My life has changed so much in the past year, and I imagine so has yours.”

Dean huffed. “Understatement of the century right there.”

This conversation was inevitable the moment Dean pressed the call button, but still he felt like he owed it to Cas to salvage it.

“And who else you got? Don’t tell me they’ve got you singing too.”

“No, I haven’t fallen so far as to attempt that kind of puppetry.”

Dean couldn’t help but laugh. How did he forget what a sarcastic asshole Cas could be?

“There’s also Balthazar.”

“Nooooo.”

“Yes.”

“Wow. Okay, well, maybe you won’t be the one with the highest totals anymore, that guy’s more of a porn star than a musician most days.”

Castiel exhaled deeply through his nose.

“What?”

“Our fourth member—- has actually done porn.”

“Cas? Don’t tell me you—”

“He volunteered.”

Dean looked up at the vaulted ceiling of his hotel room and then back at the television and its band facts scrolling at the bottom of the screen. “Wow! Well, I guess you’ve got your work cut out for you.”

“Gabriel actually paid for the studio time. Which has been helpful. Though Frank keeps a security guard on him at all times.”

“Frank let you guys in? Huh.”

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

“No— I’m not. I mean it’s Gabriel is all. Not that you’re not qualified or however that sounded.”

“That’s— very fair of you.”

Dean kicked his heels up onto the coffee table. “Well, that’s the new me. I’ve matured and shit.”

“And shit.”

“You get it.”

“I should get going. Where are you? Should I call you back later?”

“Tonight’s Vegas round two, so no. Got Phoenix this weekend though, so maybe Sunday afternoon if you’ve got time. If not, no biggie.”

“How long will you be on the road?”

“Five months.”

“That’s a long time.”

“Eh— got some double duty at the tail end, since, you know.”

“Yeah. Well, I wish you all luck.”

“Back at ya, buddy. Let me know if you want me or Trouble to pump up this new gig up online, alright?”

“I’ll consider it. Thank you.--- Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for calling. It was good to hear your voice.”

Dean swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, you too.”

“Goodbye.”

“Yep.”

Dean hung up and dropped his phone and his hands into his lap. Deflated and a bit untethered, he guessed it was as good a time as any to get dressed.

The inner workings of the casino held an intricate hive of activity. From the hotel portion, to the venues for shows, out onto the actual casino floor, to the shops, restaurants, spas and other specialty amenities that kept people there and spending, workers bustled and hustled at every opportunity.

So it wasn’t surprising that not one, not two, but three different employees stopped him backstage as he walked around hours before showtime. His therapy with Missouri had left him drained, but in the way muscles were sore after a workout. His feelings were stretched thin, but the conviction he held them with was strengthening. He was emotionally tougher than ever, but it still exhausted him.

He gave himself some time in the wings, soaking in the memories of the concert the night before and the energy the fans had poured back out to them. He wanted to finish strong then and there, because then he could put the whole damn city behind him for the rest of the tour.

If only the universe worked in his favor.

Once he got downstairs, his past came back to knock him on his ass. Outside Phantom Traveler’s dressing room stood three men, two of them Dean didn’t bother trying to recognize, they were just goons. The third was someone he couldn’t forget even in his best dreams.

“Hello, Dean,” Cain’s natural civility oozed old money.

“What are you doing down here?” Dean asked without any pretense. So much for the abundance of security. But knowing Cain, he probably paid them off.

“I was hoping for a chance to catch up. It’s been a long time.”

“Not long enough,” Dean snipped, clocking the lanyards around Cain’s and his bodyguards’ necks. “So you’re here for the show?”

“Of course. You know I was always impressed with your endeavors.”

Dean couldn’t tell if the heat clawing up the back of his neck was from embarrassment, pride, or anger, with Cain things were always complicated. And the fucker knew it.

“Yeah, thanks for that,” Dean felt petulant, but he really didn’t need any favors from the guy.

Cain took a moment, holding Dean in that calculated gaze, then took a step forward. Dean did not back up.

“You know I’m actually surprised you’re deigning to talk to me yourself. Alastair said you sent some Cajun mongrel after him last night.”

“Well, Alastair decided to come at us like a scumbag pap, so-.” Dean shrugged. It wasn’t a big deal if he didn’t make it a big deal. He was barely making polite conversation anyway.

“He does tend to be too dramatic for his own good.” Cain slipped his hands into his pants pockets, casually, but also disarming himself in the process.

He was untouchable as ever.

“What do you want, man? Not that I’m not enjoying shooting the shit, oh wait, I’m not.”

“Don’t be rude. I wanted to remind you the door’s still open when you’re ready to get back to yourself. The ring’s not the same without you in it. And I hate to have you keeping all that raw talent untapped.”

The words tickled Dean the wrong way as they ticked off of Cain’s tongue.

Dean shuddered and swallowed against the rising bile.

“I’m out. Find yourself another prize hog. I’ve moved on.” He felt the dead look in his own eyes as Cain tisked at his refusal.

“Is that what you tell Ms. Y/L/N? Swear you’ve gone straight, to keep her from looking at you with fear in her eyes? I must say she seems just as smitten with you as that covergirl is supposed to be.”

Dean clenched his jaw and his fist.

Cain let his words sink in and then he took Dean out by the knees. “She doesn’t know, does she, Dean?”

“So what?”

“A man is not what he thinks he is, but he is what he hides,” Cain recited with a raised brow. “What did I tell you about those that don’t understand your dark side? You’ll only disappoint them in the end.”

Dean felt like a kid getting reprimanded for talking back, though Cain was more the dotting teacher type. “Some things should stay buried.”

Cain straightened up and nodded in agreement. “I could always fill her in myself— if it’s too much for you to explain. We could even bring her out after the show, together. Give her a tour of our operations and let her see for herself what you’re capable of? Then maybe you’ll see that she’s not worth the worry.”

“Not a chance. In fact, don’t even fucking look at her.”

“Dean! I’m offering to put some polish on the time we spent together. I’m willing to let Y/N in on your true nature. If that makes it more palatable. You know, it’s not just Alastair that misses seeing you in the ring. I’m sure the boys wouldn’t mind having a fresh— distraction around. We’ve all seen her, you know.”

Dean felt the rage wash over him, the snarling, festering truth; his Hyde side was never truly gone.

“Leave her out of this.” Dean warned, low and bitter. He felt his skin vibrating, his weight shifted naturally onto his toes as his body readied to strike, to lash out and protect.

Cain looked at him with something close to pity, even as he threatened Dean to the edge of sanity. “I don’t think you understand the lengths I’ll go to bring you home. With or without her, you can’t change who you are inside or where you belong.”

“Everything alright, boss?” Benny’s voice broke through Dean’s thundering thoughts.

“Ah, here’s your man,” Cain’s eyes brightened and he spun on his heels to greet Benny outright. “Yes, hello, Cain Charles. Mr. LaFitte.”

Benny didn’t blink at the uneven introduction, just shook Cain’s hand and held his equally icy glare. “Pleasure.”

“Right. Dean and I were just catching up. But we can leave you gents to set up for the show tonight.” He looked over his shoulder at Dean and then at his two thugs. “Boys? Let’s go find out if they’ve got the box seats open yet.”

Benny, with his flawless instincts, stepped up to the plate. “Why don’t I go with ya? See if I can ease your way?”

Benny nudged Dean with his elbow as he gestured Cain and company down the hall towards the elevators. “You good, hoss?”

“No,” Dean practically grunted.

“Well, go on. I’ve got them.”

Dean shook his head, but kept the rest of his response to himself. He kept his eyes on the back of Cain’s perfect salt and pepper waves until Benny followed half of a beat after. Finally, they disappeared behind sliding metal doors.

Dean gasped out the breath he had been holding and turned and punched the cinderblock wall that led to the dressing rooms. His knuckles burst open and he bent in half with the hot, familiar pain. It wasn’t enough to take away the gut twisting worry that Cain had planted inside him.

But it was enough to bring him back to himself, to that moment and to his hitching breath. He inhaled and shook out his hand. Then he exhaled.

Dean told himself that setbacks happen, that he still was in control of his actions. It just was going to be a long night.

The lights poured down on Dean from every angle, surrounding him with inescapable heat and scrutiny. The show was half way over, he just needed to calm down and be in the moment. But somewhere in the dark, he knew Cain was watching him. No, watching them.

He flashed a forced grin, cocky and reckless. Fake it ‘til you make it. But the fans loved it, so he kept up the ruse.

“Kevin?” he asked playfully.

“Yeah, Dean?”

“How about we skip the next one and give ‘em some Prophet and Loss instead?”

The crowd screamed in agreement, but Kevin took his time, playing up his indecision.

“You guys wanna hear the new stuff don’t you?!” Dean bellowed, egging them on. Internally begging them to let him out of singing about Lisa right now, or about who he used to be. He couldn’t wait until the album was released and they could focus on the new music, and just touch on the hits.

The fans bayed with excitement.

Kevin played along, ignoring the rest of the setlist and absolutely flexed on the solo.

Letting Kevin have the spotlight, Dean backed up next to Sam, nodding at him as he kept the bassline going. Sam had taken the news of Cain’s reappearance seriously, putting Jesse on Madison detail until she would be taking the flight back to LA the next morning. Bobby and Victor were given blatant warnings that every band member was to be escorted to and from the show and their rooms, yourself and Charlie included. Benny personally promised he’d ensure it got done. But that was only a bandaid on a wound that had been left festering for too long.

Cain knew all of Dean’s tells, and most of his secrets.

Sam, now, held Dean's gaze, silently checking in. But Dean could barely look him in the eye, he was that rough.

Which, of course, Sam noticed.

Guilt was par for the course with Dean, if something sucky was happening, he always felt somewhat at fault. But this was entirely and undeniably his fault and that weight was enough to pull him under and if he wasn’t careful, he’d just let himself sink. To give in to the temptation and be the guy Cain wanted him to be: the fighter that Alastair had curated out of the bar fights and back alley brawls of Dean’s formative years.

To succumb to the anger, and the fear that he’d never be more than that animal, was just too easy.

So, when Sam gave him that incredulous look on stage, Dean had to use every ounce of self control not to just punch his lights out. Fuck him, of all people, for judging Dean.

He was fucking trying, okay?!

Then Sam’s face shifted and his massive forehead hitched and the puppy dog eyes came out and Dean didn’t want to be seen anymore. He shook his head, shrugged and continued winding his way around the stage, touching base with each member until he was at Kevin’s side. Dean fell into rhythm with Kevin’s extended solo, swaying and bobbing with the beat as it mellowed into a much more upbeat swinging vibe than anything the song it had emerged from ever held.

In that moment, Dean remembered how insanely grateful he was that Kevin had joined the band. His unique twist to the music, mischief, and raw talent were something like paddles to the chest, a resuscitation. A new chance at life for the band.

That bright reminder of hope, of progress, got Dean through the rest of the show. They brought out Annie next and ‘Baby’ was as smooth as the chrome on her namesake.

There were things coming for him that he hadn’t outrun. But on that stage, he was the one who was untouchable. And if it was going to all slip through his fingers by the consequences of his own actions, at least he’d leave it on a high note.

He gave the people what they came for, and they all left the stage sweaty and smiling.

Tagging:

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@spxideyver

Chapter 37: Portato

#spotless series #spn fanfic #rockstar au #dean/reader #dean x reader #dean x you #slow burn #friends to lovers

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