#bUT YA I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE GREAT DAYS AND WEEKS AND YEARS RLY

[taerrorize]

Hmm okay but after like 3 weeks of training on Oa, the other green lanterns from earth come to see who this new recruit is bc they’ve been told it’s a runt from their species and they’re like “wtf does that mean” and then they realize oh it’s a literal child wtf

“I’m not a CHILD fuck u I’m THIRTEEN!”

Their reactions range from poorly muffled laughter to pure exasperation bc oh great he’s just like the sidekicks the other league members have to deal with and now they’ve got one of their own to deal with too

But when they ask him his name he just blue screens and stands there kinda frozen for way too awkwardly long bc shitshitshitshitshit he’s technically already met all three of them and they’d no doubt realize it eventually but also everyone else here knows his real name but years of bat training are going off in his head like a megaphone shouting DONT TELL THEM YOUR NAME meanwhile the other three are just like hey kid are u like. Alright. The fuck is wrong with you

“Uh you can call me. Uh. Robin?”

And at first they’re like okay haha real funny. But then they just. Oh shit.

“And how the fuck did u end up here, Robin? And why hasn’t Batman said anything to League about it?”

“Well ya see that’s a funny story” and he goes on to tell them how Batman fired him and kicked him out and he’d been hiding out around Gotham fighting baddies when he could with the one Robin suit and the few weapons he’d managed to sneak out of the cave, and how Deathstroke found him a few days before the ring did and he’d been running from him and fighting him off as best he could. And then how the ring just sort of appeared when Deathstroke finally caught up to him.

“I was sure the big creep was gonna break my legs and snatch me up or something. He’d been going on and on about making me his apprentice or some shit for days. I just got away from one controlling asshole, I wasn’t about to willingly give myself to another.”

And the three of them are so upset because holy shit bats really kicked out this literal child and almost doomed him to becoming the prisoner of a literal mercenary.

And Hal just fuckin loses it. He’s so pissed. Especially because Robin is speaking so nonchalantly about it like it’s perfectly normal for a barely teenage kid to get kicked out by their guardian and then be hunted by a mercenary. He already thinks Batman is an arrogant asshole, and this just proves it.

Guy’s also swearing up a storm and has stomped off to go hit something, and John seems to be the only one to realize how uncomfortable their reactions have made Robin. So John just. Asks if he wants to practice making constructs with him. Robin jumps on the offer and follows him around like a duckling for the rest of the day.

And despite Hal’s initial reaction freaking Robin out a little bit, he eventually grows closest with him. The other two go back to earth sooner (after swearing cross their hearts hope to die stick a needle in their eye not to tell Batman or ANYONE in the league about Robin becoming a lantern), but Hal sticks around to help Robin become more comfortable with the whole green lantern thing. And despite the fact that they all found out his name because of everyone else using it, they’d been calling him Robin because they could tell it made him more comfortable. Until Robin tells Hal in an overly relaxed tone “you can call me Dick ya know. All my friends do.” And Hal is just like oh no this kid is rly growing on me did I just get a sidekick.

“I wasn’t Batman’s sidekick, I was his partner!”

That just makes Hal more upset about the whole situation.

“Well you can be my partner now, how bout that?”

The smile on Dick’s face is damn near blinding, and Hal knows immediately he made the right decision. So the two of them fuck around doing the space cop thing for a little while, Hal teaching Dick as best he can. And eventually the nonchalant kinda angry mask cracks and Dick is goofing around making puns and Hal loves to see him be happy.

And after about a year, Hal convinces Dick to come back to earth with him. Tells him he doesn’t have to meet up with the Justice League if he doesn’t want to, no one will force him. No one will be upset with him if he decides to stay hidden a while longer. So they go back to Coast City and Hal uses a few connections to adopt Dick without anyone (Batman) getting any alerts about his name popping up in any systems.

And Dick is somewhere between choked up and over the moon because Hal actually adopted him. Didn’t even hesitate to adopt him as soon as Dick was back on earth. Moved to a bigger apartment so Dick could have a real bedroom and not sleep on the couch like he’d assumed he would when Hal told him he could stay with him. He helps Dick get a GED so no one can question them about why he isn’t enrolled in school.

And the fact that he’s officially been adopted and there’s nothing anyone can do about it is what helps Dick decide he can finally meet the Justice League as earth’s newest Green Lantern.

And well boy doesn’t that end up being a bit of a shit show.

Because all three of the others are with him as they enter the watchtower, and Hal introduces him as “the newest green lantern of earth, my son. You might already know him as Robin.”

And Batman flips. Starts yelling about how that can’t be possible, that can’t be Robin, recites some lie about Robin being away at boarding school or smth that he came up with when the green lanterns brought up his absence a year ago. Then starts yelling about how Robin can’t be Hal’s son, because Robin is his son.

“The state of California would disagree” Robin mumbles, his arms crossed as he scoots closer to Hal.

And idk I just want Hal to adopt Dick and for the green lanterns to give Batman the cold shoulder for hurting their kid.

I desperately want to read a fic where Bruce kicks dick out/fires him from being Robin when he’s still like a teenager and after a few weeks of still going out as Robin anyway and living in safe houses, he’s fighting someone like fucking deathstroke who’s realized he’s been on his own for a while and wants to make him his apprentice and then a green lantern ring just suddenly comes and chooses him and whisks him off to Oa where he fucks around as a space cop for a few years before coming back to earth solely to shove it in Bruce’s face with the full support of the other lanterns on the Justice league and idk I just want a green lantern dick Grayson fic with lots of drama and also Hal Jordan absolutely tearing Batman to shreds for being an ass to the kid he is now very much attached to

[smileyrocky]

HI FRIENDS! it’s celine coming at you with a follow forever!!! i can’t believe that i have a thousand followers?? like that’s a lot of you guys omg and i just wanted to say thank you so much for following me! honestly i only really made this blog as a way to reblog astro posts without spamming my main one too much LOL and now it’s grown so much! honestly tho i’m so glad i made this blog bc i got to meet so many amazing and wonderful people that make being an aroha so much more worth it!! even if we’re not mutuals thank you for posting quality content that brightens up my dash everyday! i love you guys so much!! 💖💖💖

ALSO SHOUTOUT TO THE ROCKY IS THE BEST BOY CHAT I LOVE YOU GUYS (even tho i may not talk in it much LOL)

anyway let’s get right to it!!!!!

bolded: mutuals!

💫: you’re a fave

💙: check the bottom for a message!!!

#-C

@2-yoons @8boo @angelwonu @arohanaa 💫 @arohawe @artist-aroha @assstro @asterocky 💫 @astrcs @astro-lovelies @astrobinn @astrockie @astrodaily @astrofantastic @astrofireworks💫💙 @astrohanet @astrorarepairs @astroyals💫 @baeunwoo @beyourstar💫 @binnieheart @binsblush💫 @blueberrybins @ceceliinee @cha-eunwoow💫 @chathicc @coloredwithyourlove💫💙

D-L

@d-store @do-i-still-love-rocky @emoroha💫 @eunrocky💫 @eunswoos @eunwooz @fourseasonsofastro💫 @heart-eunwoo @heybinnie @hqrocky @illustre-bin @ilovrocky @jakganim @jianhyuk @jingrapher @jinjangled @jinjins-freckles @jinjinwooz💫 @jinwoostro💫 @jjjunmyeon💫💙 @jungnoir @kpoploveclub @lee-dongminhyuk 

M-P

@m0onbean @mainvocalrocky💫 @minhymoon💫💙 @minhyxks @minnyhyuk @moon-hyuks @moonbeaned @moonbinandback💫@morningcallz @mystarsinthesky @myungbin💫💙 @myunghjun @myungjun @myungjunk💫💙 @myungjunshine @myxngjuns @nochutae💫 @nohtaeyoon💫 @parkjinchu @parkminhyuk💫 @parkminhyvks @parkminihyuk @prettyeunwoo @pupcats 

R-Y

@rockekeke @rockyastroid @rockylittleflower @rockysrightkneecap @royalbinu💫 @sanhapup @sanhasus @sanhatation💫 @sanheck💫 @sanwoo @shiningstar-sanha @shouldveheldon @snibnoom @soft4sanha @softlybin​ @softrocko @softsocky💫💙 @starrycranes @starsforastro @stopbin @tbzmv @thatbtslife @ultkwannie @velvethoseok💫 @vonseal @wannabeyourmj @xuhoon💫 @yeollieskitten @yourdailyrocky

💙

@astrofireworks VIVI!! you’re so sweet and adorable omg and your love for trees is so cute i feel like i appreciate the trees more now bc of you???? also your graphics are so nice and your posts about eunwoo make me so soft :(( I LOVE YOU!!! 

@coloredwithyourlove FLORA!! IDK WHEN YOU’RE GONNA SEE THIS BC YOU BARELY GO ON TUMBLR THESE DAYS BUT WHENEVER YOU DO I HOPE YOU’RE DOING WELL AND NOT STRESSING TOO MUCH LMAO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF OK I LOVE YOU!!! 

@jjjunmyeon VIANNEY!! i feel like i’ve said this a lot but for real i’m sooo glad we started talking and became friends you’re so sweet and funny and adorable and i love talking to you and hope school is treating you well ahhh fdsjkl i can’t rly make a pun like you did when you were like i love you from the floor to the ceiling (which was so clever btw i actually sorta laughed LOL) so I LOVE YOU VEENIE WEENIE LMAOO 

@minhymoon DANI!! i don’t think we ever really introduced ourselves tbh we sorta just started talking??? LOL dfsjkll but anyway ahhh i really enjoy talking to you!! I LOVE YOU!!!

@myungbin JEN!! you’re actually like my first aroha friend on here??!!!! i remember being so excited when you followed me back ahhh anyway you’re so sweet and nice and you like bubz too!!! we don’t talk much these days but i hope you’re doing well and I LOVE YOU!!!

@myungjunk JILL!! i’m so glad i got to be your secret aroha and it was so fun talking to you on both asks and chat LOL and i’m glad we still sorta talk now!! sfdjkl i hope school’s treating you well and yOU’RE GRADUATING SOON WOOOO HANG IN THERE LOL I LOVE YOU!!!

@softsocky KATIE!! you’re actually like my fav rocky stan like omg and especially like knowing how much he means to you warms my heart :(( i really really really hope you’ll be able to meet him one day, you deserve it so much!! I LOVE YOU!!! 

[lesamis]

(same anon hi!!) do you have recs for things and places around se London? I'm just moving for undergrad and remember you posting about there a while back!

ahh, i hope you have the best time there! as it's been nearly two years now since i moved away, i'm not sure all the smaller places i used to like are still around, but here are some ideas for ya :')

the rose garden at greenwich park - peaceful & not at all crowded since it's not as touristy as the rest of greenwich park, great spot to read, def go see it in the springtime. also, the deer park

if you're into music, new cross inn has live shows pretty much every day of the week & often sell tickets day of. grimey place, rough vibes, i miss it SO much

the fox & firkin for tamer live music, a beautiful outdoor space, good pizza & a fun pub quiz

the junk shop is great for just about anything. if you need something and don't mind buying it used they probably have it & will give you a good deal. also just super friendly people & a really cozy tea room + garden

greenwich theatre is also worth checking out - london has good theatre beyond the west end! one of the best plays i've ever seen was in greenwich, and they're more affordable, too

magi gifts in brockley is a cute indepedent shop to support if you're looking for a birthday gift; i also really loved this shop around christmas

bookshop on the heath in blackheath deals mostly in antique books and maps, but a lot of their second hand books are super cheap & often rare. it's also just worth a visit for how pretty it is, kinda like the rest of blackheath - posh but not in an entirely hateable way

halcyon books is your other best bet if you're looking to get a specific work second hand, although i'm not sure if they're still open

horniman house and gardens is a pretty interesting place if you're interested in museum practice as they've put a lot of resources into decolonising what is a pretty quintessentially colonial space - or tbh you should just check it out if you like flowers

if you're ever around ladywell, find remnants of my soul trapped at le delice (THE best sandwiches, also lovely breakfast) and in hilly fields park :')

also, maggie's if you want to feel weirdly at home while having breakfast. it's such a cozy, welcoming little place and the food is hearty and good and it rly warms your soul. i literally went there when i missed my mum

[supernovaspidey]

I feel safer in your arms

               Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

               Summary: You have been MIA for over a week, and Peter and Ned are trying to figure out what they did that could possibly make you ignore them for so long. It took one party at Flash’s place and an inconvenient Brad Davis to make you finally go off.

               Author’s note: hey, guys. It took a lot for me to post this, the main plot is based on a personal experience I’ve been through, and I decided to write about it as a way of dealing with the shitty situation. I tried to make the emotions as realistic as possible, in order to express my feelings, but I’m not exactly a great writer and English is not my mother language, so please be patient with me if I’ve made some mistakes throughout the story. Make sure to tell me what you thought about the story, it would make me really happy. Also, if any of you have been through a similar experience and want to talk, hit me up, I’m sure we can help each other, I certainly do need some help lmao

               Dedicated to: my favorite blogs! @infamous-webhead @justauthoring @userspidey @imnotobsessedwithhim @tomhreads @peterjonesparker @soulspideys@spideyxchelle (I know some of you might be weirded out because I have never interacted with you but i am in love with your blogs, i’m  just rly shy, anyways hope you enjoy xo) and @lousimusician (U R THE BEST OMG as I said in your ask previously I am in love with your blog and your work fuckkkkkk, you are awesome and rly sweet ❤️)

               Warnings: angst, mentions of harassment, slight PTSD, slight swearing, fluff (I SWEAR!!!), Peter Parker being the clueless human being on Earth, but also the cutest, protective!Peter, Ned is just a sweetheart I love him

               Word count: 2961

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               - Dude, what’s going on? Did you two have a fight or something? Because if you did, I swear to God I’ll…

               - Ned! Stop freaking out on me, man. You are making me worse than I already am. And no, we didn’t have a fight or anything like that. I honestly don’t know what’s going on. – Peter was clearly hurt and worried.

               - Sorry, it’s just that… it’s been a week. I miss her. I wonder what you did wrong this time. – Ned looked really judgmental and Peter wasn’t having it.

               - What is that supposed to mean?

               - Come on, dude. You may be her best friend but she clearly has a thing for you and every time she gets somewhat flirty, your oblivious self, despite being completely obsessed with her as well, always screw things up and she gets mad, so… what did you do this time?

               - She doesn’t… have a thing for me. – Peter’s cheeks started getting red with the suggestion.

               - Whatever helps you sleep at night. And that’s not the point! What. Did. You. Do?

               - Nothing, I swear! One night we were fine texting each other and then… She just isolated everyone. She’s been ignoring me since then but I promise I didn’t do anything wrong, I even checked our conversation. Here! – Peter grabbed his phone so fast it almost fell, unblocked it, and clicked on your contact, he didn’t think it was right to show Ned your conversation but the need to prove his innocence was stronger.

               (y/n): “wassup, arachnid?”

               (Peter): “(y/n) could u pls come up with a better nickname? That one’s awful :(“

               (y/n): “i’m working on it, but until I find the perfect one u’ll just have to get used to this mediocre-quality one lol”

               You guys kept talking about nonsenses until you told him you needed to go.

               (y/n): “gotta go, family gathering at gram’s. try not to cry because u miss me so much, I’ll be back I promise :p”

               (Peter): “well I’ll try but idk if I will be able to go through the next couple of hours without you annoying the life out of me. It’ll be so hard :(“

               (y/n): “damn ur heartless. Anyways bye, arachnid xo”

               (Peter): “S T O P”

               (Peter): “are you still at your grandma’s place? It’s like 2 a.m.”

               (Peter): “(y/n)???”

               (Peter): “if ur mad about me calling u annoying i’m sorryyy”

               (Peter): “:(“

               (Peter): “you weren’t at class today. everything okay? just checking, I’m worried abt u”

               (Peter): “u missed a Chem assignment today, I’m paired up with you, it’s nothing out of this world but we need to talk abt it”

               (Peter): “hey… listen u’ve been MIA for almost a week, now idk what’s going on but you can talk to me, let me help”

               (Peter): “Ned and I went over to your place to talk to you but your mom didn’t let us in. pls tell me what’s going on”

               - Damn, Peter…

               - What? – He was certain he didn’t do anything wrong but after showing Ned the texts he got a little insecure. After all, he never realized when he was messing things up, he just got super nervous and started rambling nonstop until shit hit the fan.

               - You guys are so flirty, it’s so disgusting, just ask her out already, geez.

               - Ned!

               - Okay okay, well, I admit, I didn’t see anything wrong, except for you clearly trying to flirt with her and being a total failure.

               - Shut up.

               They were sitting at their usual table in the cafeteria, theorizing about what made you go off on them. Both of them were uneasy, you were their best friend and they liked you too much to just let you push them away like this. Peter was particularly off, at the same time he was dying of worries, he was pissed at you. After all the mad shit you’ve been through together, he’d think you cared about him enough not to just ignore his complete existence out of nowhere. To be honest he was hurt about the fact that you didn’t like him as much as he liked you.

               - Yo, assholes. – Flash just jumped up at your table. – I’m trying to do some community service, so as my first act of kindness I will allow you to go to my party tomorrow. My place at 10. Don’t be weird or I’ll change my mind and kick you out of there.  Make sure (y/n) is there, she’s a sight I’d like to see at my place. See ya, losers.

               As fast as Flash got to their table, he went away, not giving the boys an opportunity to answer. Peter closed his fists so hard at the mention of your name that his knuckles turned white. Ned simply rolled his eyes and told Peter to forget about it.

               Peter took his cellphone again and opened your chat. It had been one day since he last texted you and tried to go to your place, so he was thinking whether he should tell you about the party or not. A part of him was angry and didn’t want to text you because of the shit you’ve been making him go through, but the other part was hopeful you’d show up at Flash’s and finally give him an opportunity to talk to you. He decided he missed you too much and would take any chance he could to see you. So he sent you the text.

               (Peter): “hey, Flash is throwing a party tomorrow night and he invited us. yes. all of us. anyway, it’ll be at 10. hope you show up.”

               There. Plain and simple. A loud sigh left Peter’s mouth as he hit his head on the table.

               - It’s okay, dude. She’ll be there. Don’t stress about it.

               (…)

               - Do you see her? – It was the fifth time Ned poked Peter and asked the same question. Peter felt like he was about to lose it.

               - No, dude. I’ve been looking directly at the door and she still hasn’t shown up.

               - She will come, Peter. Don’t worry. Hey, do you think Betty would be impressed with this hat I’m wearing?

               - Uhm, sure! Why don’t you go over to her?

               - Are you sure? You’ll be okay? I know (y/n) is always the one who makes you company… - Ned was about to start rambling but Peter was quick to stop him laughing.

               - Ned, I’m fine. Now go get your girl.

               - Yeah yeah, you should go get yours too, you know. Look who just showed up. – Ned pointed to the door.

               And there you were, with all your non-glory, and an alarm rang in Peter’s head almost instantaneously. The first thing he noticed was your clothing. You were wearing a jacket, which was not usual for you, who is always complaining about how hot it is, even if it´s freezing. The next thing he noticed was your body, you were thinner, not enough to make everyone notice, but he for sure did, and he for sure got worried right away. The last thing he noticed was your face. He always admired you for being so outgoing and confident, but now you looked scared and insecure, constantly looking to your sides, like the walls had spikes and the room was slowly getting smaller around you.

               After scanning the whole room, your eyes met Peter’s, he was beside Ned, looking straight at you, you forced a side smile and walked up to them.

               - Peter, Ned… Hi. – You looked really shy, something was definitely off.

               - Hey, (y/n)! Oh my God I missed you so much, where have you been? We thought you were mad at us. – Ned was as agitated as he was when he talked about Betty. You couldn’t help but smile at how excited your best friend was to see you.

               - I… I was sick, really sick. You know how it is… - You looked at Peter, but he had his eyes fixed on the floor, looking upset.

               - Of course you were. – He sighed and you felt the sarcasm in his voice.

               - Excuse me?

               - I’m not buying that, (y/n). If you really were sick you would tell us, you know, your best friends.

               - Yo, don’t put me into this mess, I’m going to talk to Betty now. But (y/n), I’ll talk to you later, okay? So happy to see you again! – Ned was quick to flee the situation, leaving you and Peter alone. You grabbed his hand and took him to the pool area, where there were less people.

               - Start talking, Parker.

               - What?

               - You were pretty quick to shoot me a snarky comment inside, so I guess you have a lot to say, right? Start talking.

               - I… I don’t have…

               - Peter, talk!

               - Why… Why would you ignore me for over a week? You were so sick you couldn’t grab your phone? And if you really were sick, why didn’t your mom tell us right away? I was so upset with you I wasn’t even going to tell you about the party, but I missed you and was worried about you and wanted to see you, and you lie to my face?

               - I shouldn’t have ignored you, I know. I’m sorry. I really am. But you want to talk about lying? What about all the times you lied right to my face for almost a year, huh? The Stark Internship, the Washington shit, me being stood up by you countless times, what about that? You didn’t tell me about the spider shit, I figured it out by myself. And it’s okay if you didn’t want to tell me, that’s your business, but don’t point your finger at me talking about fucking honesty. – Peter’s face was sad and angry at the same time as you threw the words at him.

               - You know, I only came to this shitty party to see you. – You stared right into his eyes. – I missed you and wanted to have a good time with you, but I guess that’s not going to happen so leave me alone. – At the moment Peter saw tears wanting to leave your eyes, he knew something was wrong, and that he had messed up. Big time.

               - (y/n), wait! – He tried to hold you but you sprinted back inside the house, leaving him with his thoughts.

               You were grabbing a snack at the kitchen, when you felt someone breathing down your neck. You froze instantly, trying to push away the memories. You turned and in front of you was Brad Davis. He was a good guy, but he was drunk and an alarm rang in your head.

               - What the fuck? Back off, Brad.

               - Hey, (y/n)! Long time no see, wanna dance? – He placed his hands on your shoulder, and the memories came flooding you as you tried pushing them away.

               - No.

               - Come here, I missed you. – He then pulled you in for a hug. At the moment you felt his hands on your back and waist, and smelled the alcohol exhaling from his mouth, you just couldn’t fight the memories any longer. It was like you were back your grandma’s house all over again, you started to shiver, your heart felt like it was going to go out of your chest and your vision turned black.

               - Get off of me! – You couldn’t stop yourself. You shoved him away aggressively, and punched him right in his face. It was like you were stuck in your own body, not being able to control it.

               You realized what you did when he hit the floor, nose bleeding.

               - I’m… I’m so sorry… I… - The music had stopped, you looked up and everyone was looking at you. Then you saw him. Peter. You immediately ran away and grabbed a cab down the street, ignoring Peter’s screams calling you and asking you to wait.

               By the time you got home, you were crying uncontrollably. You laid in bed and let everything sink in. You knew going to the party was a mistake but you did it anyway. Fucking stupid little girl.

               - (y/n), let me in. – You looked at your window and saw Peter with his suit on, how could he have changed clothes so fast?

               You went over and opened the window. He got in, you turned around as he changed clothes once more. You turned around again when he was done and sat on the bed. He sat beside you.

               - So, I’m an idiot. I know. – He looked at you with puppy hazel eyes and you couldn’t help but laugh a bit. – (y/n)… what happened? Please, I beg you to talk to me.

               So, you started talking immediately. The more you talked, the more you cried. You talked about how when at your grandma’s, while the whole family was going to take a picture, your old drunk cousin grabbed you by the arm to be closer to him, and started walking down your body with his hand, making you freeze with terror. You talked about how you felt like you couldn’t move or scream, about how hard he was squeezing your arm, leaving a bruise after. You talked about how you felt used, dirty, and weak, about how you should have done something, anything, but instead you stayed there like a scared little girl. You talked about how you were afraid of people touching you now, and how afraid you were of hurting people, and how that’s exactly what happened. You hurt someone, Brad. And finally, you talked about how you were feeling like your worst version of yourself, and didn’t want anyone to see that, especially Peter.

               He listened to everything quietly, and only after you finished talking was when he realized he wasn’t breathing and that you had grabbed his hand at some point. He didn’t know what to say, all he felt was hatred, so he started crying.

               - I’m so sorry, I made this whole thing about me when you were hurting so much. – You squeezed his hand when you heard he say that.

               - Listen, it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have ignored you, I just didn’t want you to see the mess I am right now.

               - You are not a mess. It’s not your fault this happened to you. You are the strongest person that I’ve ever known, you are the utter best version of yourself and that’s one of the many reasons why I really like you and… - He suddenly stopped when he realized what he said.

               Shit.

               - You know… as a friend… my best friend! You are my best friend and I like you as my best friend and… - He stopped on his tracks when he felt you hugging him, he didn’t know what to do so he slowly and gently put his arms around you, making sure you were comfortable.

               (…)

                 After that night, things didn’t get better, but they got less worse. Peter and Ned were the only people you were comfortable with, and Peter was the only one you were physically comfortable with. You didn’t think it was possible to be closer than you were before, but it happened. Peter was super protective of you, and he didn’t even noticed. He would always hold your hand when you were walking, and would always make sure you felt safe. Every time he noticed you being anxious, he would grab your hand and caress it with his thumb, or he would play with your hair and whisper “it’s okay, I’m here with you. You are okay” into your ear. He made you feel safe, and he also made you feel weird things, mushy and warm things. He looked at you differently, you knew it, and it always made you feel like your stomach was upside down, but in a great way.

               One day, you, Peter and Ned were at the cafeteria talking, you and Peter were holding hands when you felt hands on your shoulders. You stopped moving right away

               - (y/n), nice work on that assignment! – Your Chemistry teacher said and left without letting you respond.

               Peter and Ned looked at you, clear worriedness stamped on their faces. You started to breathe heavily, your heartbeat started racing, you started shaking and your eyes got wet. Peter quickly grabbed your hand and took you away.

               He took you to the janitor’s closet, the closest thing to the cafeteria. It was so small you were pressed against each other, but Peter didn’t care about that. All he cared about was you. When he closed the door, you started sobbing.

               - Hey, hey it’s okay, I’m here. You are okay. No one’s going to hurt you, okay? I promise. – He hold you tight in his arms.

               - I… I feel dirty.

               - Here – he stood in front of you, took off his sweater, staying only with his nerdy shirt, and swept it over your shoulders. – I’m cleaning them, see? They’re clean. You’re not dirty, you are perfect.

               He wiped your tears away and started caressing your cheek, cupping your face with his hands.

               - I’m here and I’ll always be here. You are okay.

               - I’m… I’m okay.

               - See? Everything’s going to be okay. – He hugged you once more.

               - Peter? – You called against his chest.

               - Huh? – He didn’t let you go.

               - Thank you. I… I really like you too. You know, as my best friend… - You felt his heart racing. – You know what I mean.

               He let you out of his arms to look at you. He knew what you meant, he remembered the day he almost confessed his feelings, but he thought you wouldn’t have realized.

               He kept his hazel eyes glued at yours, and you could swear he was seeing through your soul at that moment. He smiled, his face lit up. You smiled. You don’t know how long you guys stayed there, but it felt like eternity and it wasn’t enough.

[jokkaber]

The tale of flass: this is a story I improvised on the spot when my friend asked me to tell her a story to cheer her up. I'm quite proud of it.

OK, so there's a frog.

And it's just hangin out, doing its thing, as frogs do.

And he decides "yo"

"yo i want to be higher up than I am currently able to access with my mainly aquatic body."

So what he does is he goes and talks to a duck, because he knows that ducks can fly.

And he goes up to a particularly glossy mallard and he's like

"ay bro, can you carry me up to the treetops?"

And the mallard(by the name of craigory) be like

"bruh sorry but idk if I can like carry you that high up I ain't no BOFP, man"

And our boi the frog (by the name of flass)

Be like

"ay bruh what's a BOFP"

And craigory, the sassy cunt that he is, looks him in the eye and says, I shit you not here, he straight up looks our boi flass right in the eye and he says

(Are you ready to hear what this sassy dick waffle says to our boi flass?)

This bitch no cap be like straight up

"bird of fuckin prey"

And see now flass, the tru gangsta that he is takes it on the head cus he ain't finna let this bitch be openly disrespectin him.

So flass says to craigory

"can you tell me where I can find a bird of fuckin prey then so that I can ask them to take me up to the treetops?"

Now craigory (WHAT a cunt this man is) looks at flass, this little frog in front of him and has the unmitigated fucking audacity to say to our boi flass

If a bird of fuckin prey sees you then it will surely eat you instantly. I caution you, sir, do not throw away your life"

And flass, the Absolute Don that he is, turns away from this lil bitch craigory and says "then I will die in the pursuit of fulfillment." and if that ain't the heaviest shit you've ever heard then bruh idek what to say to u, the dudes soul is dressed like an 80s action hero.

So flass hops away in slowmo and eats a fly midair just to flex.

And he hops away to find a lil sparrow. And the sparrow is just vibin and gettin straight blazed and flass hops up, takes a deep sniff and nods in approval for the kush was good and therefore the sparrow was surely a woman of taste and culture. And a sparrow of such taste and culture must surely be a sparrow of some great education.

Now our man Flass hops up to this sparrow and he says

"ay bruh, how's it hangin"

And the sparrow looks at her bead curtain and says "yeah bruh it's hangin good. I only put it up last week and it's already weathering rly nicely" and flass saw that it was so and he nodded in agreement.

Now flass sits his fine froggy ass down in front of this sparrow and he says

"bruh I wanna get up to the treetops bc I feel unfulfilled being confined to ground level. I asked that cunty dick weed craigory to take me up there but the pussy said he couldn't carry me and I'd need like a bird of fuckin prey so I thought of you. Your a bird of fuckin prey right? We eat the same things too so I thought you might be an absolute bro and carry me up to the treetop sometime"

Now this sparrow looks at flass and she sees that he rly means all he's saying and then she looks at herself, about the same size as him and she says to him "bruh sorry but im literally too small to carry your fine ass anywhere. You'd need something bigger than me like a crow"

Yh nah she ain't gonna be able to carry him up there. But what she does is she looks him in the eye and she says

"OK so like I know where you can find a crow who could take you up there but I'm pretty sure he's not gonna do it for free"

And Flass says to this sparrow (by the name of velvet)

"bro if I can pay I will. This is all I need to die happy"

So velvet looks at flass and she sees how his soul is dressed with the leather jacket and the stubble and guns and big sunglasses and she thinks woah this dude is a straight up 80s movie badass ain't nothing gonna change his mind so she says "bro just hang out with me till I'm sober then ill take you to the crow."

And flass says

"nah bruh I gotta get going. Gotta see them treetops"

And velvet says

"bro I have Mario kart"

And flass says

"bro I'm in"

So flass hangs out and chills with velvet and they smoke and play Mariokart and then he sleeps over. Then in the morning when they're both sober again velvets like

"OK bruh lets get you to that crow so we can talk to him"

So velvet takes flass to the recent corpse of a dead buffalo, where there's a crow scoffing down some meat and the crow looks around and sees them and clacks its beak menacingly.

Now both flass and velvet know that this crow with this clackety beak of his could easily kill both of them.

It is a truth of which they are both acutely aware.

So now this crow(by the name of glowstick) looks at these two lil Bois and thinks yo these 2 got something to say. So he says

"yo you 2 got something to say?"

So velvet gives flass a nudge to go talk to this dude so flass hops real cool up to velvet and he says

"OK bro so here's the deaio. Here's the sich. Here's the case file. The writing on the wall. The drink in the cup. The tea. I feel rly unfulfilled at fuckin ground lvl bc I can't get up these fuckin trees. So I went to that cunt graigory who sent me to this glorious bitch velvet who got me high then hung out with me till we were sober and then brought me here so I could talk to you so like could you just fly me up above them there treetops real quick? If I do then Im pretty sure i can die happy"

Right so glowstick looks this absolute Chad up and down and thinks for a moment and says

"OK so ill be willing to fly you up there and carry you around for a bit but it'll cost ya"

And flass takes a step forward, looks glowstick in the eye and says "whatever your price is bro I'll pay it"

Now seeing that flass isn't gonna be shaken easily he sits down on the carcass, fixes this fine-ass froggy fella with one eye, clacks his beak a couple more times and leans forward:

"I'll take you up there and I'll fly you around for a while until sundown. But once night falls I get to eat you"

Now flass obviously isn't too keen on this deal but the way he sees it it's the best deal he's gonna get cus he really needs to get up there into the sky. So he hops back over to velvet and hugs her.

"bro you've been a good friend so far. You wanna come hang out until sunset?"

So velvet hugs him back bc this is her bro and he's gonna go live his dream until he dies so she's like

"yeah bro ill come hang out till sunset but I'm not gonna stick around to watch you get eaten ok?"

And flass is like

"cool, I'm good with that"

So now he hops back over to glowstick who's taking this completely serious. He's gonna hold up his end of the bargain and he's gonna earn that muthafuckin meal. So he holds oup his claws and grabs flass and spreads his wings

And takes flight.

Now remember, flass is fully used to jumping high and far but the experience of going up and staying up is completely new to him. Glowstick claws are carefully but firmly holding him so that he doesn't slip or fall and get hurt. He sees the tops of the trees and the blue sky with the sun overhead and he spreads his arms like wings and laughs, pretending he himself is flying.

As the day wears on the joy doesn't lessen until the sun dips to the horizon. Glowstick takes flass to the top of a tree to watch the sunset and velvet lands next to them and they all huddle together in the final moments of daylight.

When the sun is gone velvet turns to flass and bumps his head, tenderly, with hers. He, of course returns the gesture to the truest friend he's known in his short life before she turns and flits away.

Now flass turns to glowstick and says

"bro. Thank you for bringing me up here. I was right, having experienced the freedom and joy of living my dream and flying I can say truthfully that dying now wont be so bad. I've just got one last request bro. Make it quick. I wanna go out on a high note."

Glowstick nods his head at this brave lil frog and says

"lil bruh you've earned my respect with your courage. I'm still gonna eat you because that's nature and also the terms of our deal but I will give you the death you want.

And I will tell your story to everyone I meet who needs to hear it,and I will tell them to pass it on so that, even after you die here, your legacy and your 80s action hero soul will live on forever."

So flass stands proud and strong and closes his eyes and remembers how it felt to fly, to rush through the air and to go up and stay up. He remembers the feeling of watching a sunset with his best friend. He remembers all this and more and he finds that he is smiling. He settles into this warm bliss and breathes in.

In the days, months, weeks and years that follow this day the tale of flass and his courage and dedication to fulfillment even in the face of his death spread through the forest to the rivers, the plains, the seas and all the way to other, much different forests across those seas. Faithfully told by velvet and glowstick and embellished from there with each telling until those who told it and heard it almost felt that warm bliss, that feeling of unbridled joy at finding your dream has become reality. They could swear they see, in the corner of their eye if they have one, a faint smile. Like one you might find on the face of a particularly happy frog who had just watched his first and last sunset with his best friend and the crow who had made this possible. And his legacy inspires hundreds of thousands of creatures to follow their dreams however small.

Somewhere, thanks to the story of flass, a primate is tending to a small piece of burning wood, Feeding it dry leaves and twigs to keep it alight, in hopes of warming a cave so that it and its family may not just survive, but be comfortable through the next winter and many after.

the little dude brought a wave of joy across the world. He triggered the discovery of fire. He taught glowstick about nobility in the face of death. He lives on in the stories told of him and the dreams realised in his memory.

As long as there is someone or something pursuing a dream then flass will never be dead.

[psycho-slytherin]

Strangers ch. 34

Yoongi finds your phone– and so does someone else...

Pairing: Yoongi x (female) Reader

Word count: 1.8k

Genre: fluff, angst

|mlist|

<–– Prev   Next ––>

You force a laugh. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t lie to me, y/n,” Yoongi says softly, his voice a knife in your back. “These– Jesus.” He exhales sharply as your phone buzzes again, again, again. You would’ve turned your notifications off months ago, but you need Twitter for your jobs. “How long has it been like this?”

@satanhasaholdoffrance: hey @yourname make like a tree and die

@queenynuwu: I hope y/n knows we love her!! <3 @yourname

@gummyyoongi: has anyone found @yourname‘s address yet?

“I don’t know what you mean,” you reply stubbornly. You don’t want your weight on Yoongi’s shoulders, not when you know he’ll blame himself.

“Bullshit. You said this wasn’t happening! You told me that my fans weren’t coming after you.”

“And you never checked,” you reply, your throat tight. “You know what I am. I’m a liar. And you trusted me– that’s your mistake.”

Yoongi flinches. “I know you don’t mean that.”

You begin trembling, your hands and arms and shoulders tensing against your will. “You shouldn’t trust me, Yoongi.” I’ve kept too many secrets from you.

“Well, I do trust you. I know you too well, y/n, and you don’t mean that. But this?” He taps your phone. “This is messed up.”

You take a step back, shrinking into yourself. “I-I’m sorry.”

“What? No. Why are you apologizing?” Yoongi gets up and walks towards you, his eyes intense. “My fans– the stuff they’re saying– that’s what’s messed up. And y/n, I’m so, so sorry this happened. You don’t deserve it.”

“I, uh...” you mumble, confused. Why isn’t he angry at you? You lied to him, again and again and again. “Sorry...”

Yoongi sighs, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. “What are you even apologizing for?”

“I don’t know!” You cry. “I thought you’d be mad at me!”

“I’m not mad at you, y/n-ie.” Yoongi raises his arm and brushes a loose strand of hair out of your face. “I’m just worried. The comments you’re getting, the haters... they’re too much for anyone.”

Your mind drifts to the nightmares, the thoughts that your hate comments have inspired within you.

Yoongi’s gaze darkens, but he’s not looking at you– he’s staring far off, at something beyond. “I’ve seen idols, trainees– friends– that internalized those things, and they didn’t see an escape... no one is equipped to deal with this shit alone, no one.” Yoongi swallows, and his voice wavers. “So don’t try, y/n. You’re not alone, and I can’t lose you.”

You blink hard before drawing back and punching Yoongi in the arm.

“Ow!” Yoongi yelps, rubbing his arm. “What the hell?”

“That’s for being dramatic,” you say, using all your willpower to keep your voice light. “And this–” you poke him in the ribs– “is for being selfish. I don’t wanna lose me either, nerd. It’s not all about you.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Yoongi laughs. “My bad, I almost forgot that you’re a force to be reckoned with.”

“Just don’t let it happen again,” you sniff haughtily.

“I won’t, promise. Hey, do you need a lift to your next job?”

“Nah, I’ll take the bus. I’m not famous like you,” you reply. Besides, you want to be alone with your thoughts.

“Suit yourself. I have to go to the studio anyways.”

“Another BTS comeback already?” You muse, and Yoongi winks.

“Nope.”

~~~

Once Yoongi leaves, you wriggle into another sweater and shrug your coat on over it. You can’t help but feel chilly lately, and you can’t afford to get a cold.

You leave your apartment building and quickly walk towards the bus stop. Your afternoon will be spent on a photoshoot for a new makeup line, and Lisa said you’d be able to keep some of the merchandise.

You adjust your face mask and pop in your earphones, your mind a whirling dervish of thoughts. You imagined Yoongi would be furious– after all, you’d promised no more secrets. You couldn’t help but keep your Twitter mess to yourself, because you didn’t want your friend to stress about it.

Friend... the word seems strange to you, almost wrong.

Well, we’re ‘dating’ now, you think, so I guess he’s my fake-boyfriend instead.

It’s weird; for years you were completely in love with Yoongi, besotted with his face and voice and laugh and lyrics. His shy, goofy nature. His irresistible charm. You remember when you and Lisa would scream together at every new music video, each concept photo, any hint or clue or theory. It seems so long ago now.

Speaking of Lisa... your phone begins buzzing with a call from your manager/friend.

“Y/n, darling, how are you doing? How’s the leg?”

“All healed up now,” you reply, flexing and unflexing your left leg. You lost a lot of blood, but your injury missed all the arteries and important stuff.

“Great. Hey, I lined up a job, it’s yours for the taking if you’re interested. They need an extra in a cologne commercial, it should only be a two-day shoot and we can plan around Moon Over The Sea. What do you think?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” you murmur absentmindedly. “How much does it pay?”

“Pretty well, your cut would be only a little less than you’re making on the makeup shoot today.”

“Alright, sign me up.”

“Great. And... how’s it going with Yoongi?”

You jolt. “What?”

“C’mon, y/n, you can’t expect me not to ask. You’re dating your idol!”

“I-I’m not, really...”

“Oh, shush. It’s official, isn’t it? BigHit confirmed it last week. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were together!”

You grit your teeth– you have to tell her the truth. “Lisa, seriously, it’s not real.”

“I know, I bet it totally feels like a fairy tale, huh? I’m so jealous.” Lisa’s voice gets quieter, pouty. “We have to hang out soon, it’s been ages since we’ve had a proper gossip sesh!”

“But...”

“No buts! I’m ordering you as your manager to hang out with your best friend... who is also your manager... who is also me.”

You can’t help but laugh. “Yes ma’am, just pencil me in.”

“Will do! See you soon.”

“See ya.

Humming to yourself, you continue your bus ride, arriving at the studio a few minutes early. A fashionable young man strides up to you bearing shorts and a shirt.

“Ah, you’re here. L/n y/n, right? Perfect, perfect, put these on and we’ll get you straight into hair and makeup.”

“Uhh...” you examine the outfit he gave you. “Are you sure this is for me?”

“Of course I am, what are you talking about?”

“It’s black, these shorts are made of leather, and...” you trail off, gulping. “It’s all very tight.” That’s right, clothes like these will only hug the curves you don’t have. You’re not a sex icon like some of the female idols you’ve seen Yoongi with on TV. You know as someone in the entertainment industry, you’re supposed to be fashionable– but you’re too much a fan of oversized sweaters and soft pants to let them go. “I don’t know if this outfit suits me.”

“Nonsense, you’re beautiful– you just need the confidence! Besides, you’re gonna have to get used to this type of stuff if you want to get anywhere in your career,” the man chuckles. “Changing room is over there. When you’re ready, head to hair and makeup.”

“R-right,” you mumble, taking the clothes. They look so cold, you shiver just thinking about putting them on.

Ten minutes later, you stare at yourself in the mirror. Staring back at you seems to be a child, a little girl who doesn’t belong, who can barely fill out the tight crop top or shorts. And you’re supposed to be dating Yoongi? You don’t know if you want to laugh or cry. Yoongi deserves better, someone prettier, smarter, who looks like they belong at his side. In your mind’s eye, you can see Yoongi next to you in the mirror– black-haired, a brow raised, his mouth quirking upwards in a lazy smirk. He looks like a prince, a god, and you look like you’re playing dress-up next to him. No wonder so many people are upset; you’re doing Yoongi no favors by being with him.

You sigh and shake your head. You’re cold, so cold, and you hate it. You turn away from the mirror to get your hair and makeup done.

“Okay, can you give me a little lip bite? Something cheeky? Oh, perfect! Yes, hold like that!” The camera flashes while you sit frozen in place. “Cross your legs now, hold the lipstick closer to your face... can you give me bedroom eyes?”

Face flushed, you lower your lashes and pout your lips like you’ve seen real models do, and the camera flashes again and again. The lipstick you’ve got on is a brighter red than you’ve ever dared to wear, and combined with the outfit and your bold eyeliner, you look a little edgy.

“Great, y/n, you’re doing wonderfully. We need one more photo for the spread...” the photographer looks around the photo studio, which is a rather minimalist set. “Can someone get me that chair? Y/n, sit on it backwards and try for a smirk– like an ‘I’m-better-than-you’ face.”

But I’m not. Still you try, channeling your inner Seokjin as you fix the camera with your best downward stare, and then half smiling as though you’ve got a secret– which you do, too many to count. Half a dozen shots later, you’re dismissed with the promise that the money will be wired to your account by Friday.

The next morning, you wake up to the familiar buzzing of your notifications, again and again and again. You haven’t overslept, have you? No, your clock informs you that it’s not even six AM. You groan and flip your phone over to read your new mentions.

@beautyoftheseoul: Check out our new line of matte lipsticks, modeled by #MoonOverTheSea’s @yourname!

@chimyoongles: Omg @2460sunshine did you see that @yourname liked a yoongi thirst tweet? Lmaooo I’m dying she’s rly all of us

@scarletwitchisjunghoseok: I think I love @yourname now that she’s exposed herself as an army lololol

@captainkookie21: why are ppl stanning @yourname for her fuckup lol it just goes to show what a liar and a slut she is.

You blink sleepily. You liked a tweet about Yoongi? You’ve been careful about doing that ever since you became a public figure, in case Yoongi noticed. You tap through your likes and gasp:

@slutfordionysus: rt if you want Suga to crush you between his thighs, like if you want him to use his tongue technology on you ;)

Oh, fuck. You never liked that. You’ve never even seen that tweet. Which means... you’ve been hacked?

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[ua-miruko]

[8/6]

ua-miruko 2:30 PM

@ua-todoroki @ua-kaibara @ua-mar SUP LITTLE BITCHES you're mine now 🔥 🤪 🔥

ua-todoroki 2:30 PM

Oh.

ua-miruko 2:30 PM

YEP! OH!!

You're rollin' with TEAM MIRUKO NOW

Now we got a few objectives I wanna explain, but the most important one? KICK EVERYONE'S ASS

And when I say everyone, I MEAN

EVERYONE

... But especially Hawks' team

ALSO Endeavor's. I wanna run him into the groooound

ua-todoroki 2:33 PM

I can do that...

ua-miruko 2:36 PM

yeah, you better 😈

ua-todoroki 2:37 PM

:/...

ua-miruko 2:39 PM

oh, c'mon... you don't got more to say than that???

ua-todoroki 2:40 PM

Idk what to say.

It's good to be working with you.

ua-miruko 2:40 PM

good to be workin with you too! you were on of my requests so i'm glad the good ol gov was lookin out for once!! 😤😤

yer rly strong so i'mma be expecting a lot from you 👀

ua-todoroki 2:41 PM

Was I? Huh.

I'll do my best.

ua-miruko 2:43 PM

yeahyeah... didn't want anyone who'd hold me back and you almost won your festival way back when, yeah?

ua-todoroki 2:44 PM

Yeah.

ua-miruko 2:46 PM

yeah...

ua-kaibara 2:46 PM

Right..

ua-miruko 2:46 PM

aha! another one 👀 sup kid

you i don't know shit about lol

ua-kaibara 2:48 PM

Not surprising

ua-miruko 2:50 PM

tell me bout yerself?

what's ya quirk like

ua-kaibara 2:51 PM

I'm Kaibara Sen, one of UA's students but that's.. mostly obvious I think most of this program is UA students. My Quirk is Gyrate. I can basically just.. rotate my body parts like a drill. It's mostly useful for hand-to-hand but I wear metal gloves so I can use my hands as legitimate drills also..

ua-miruko 2:53 PM

🤔 interesting.....so yer a close combat kinda guy, yeah?

ua-kaibara 2:53 PM

Primarily, yeah

ua-miruko 2:53 PM

....you ever get flung through the air?

ua-kaibara 2:53 PM

Yes

ua-miruko 2:53 PM

EXCELLENT

ua-kaibara 2:53 PM

I am kind of scared to ask why

ua-miruko 2:54 PM

cuz im gonna fuckin fling you like a dart, that's why!!

ua-todoroki 2:54 PM

She'll probably do that to you.

Yeah.

ua-miruko 2:54 PM

listen, whatever ya gotta do to add more POWER to yer attacks, i expect ya to do

so, thermo?? you gon be doing a lot of flinging too

ua-todoroki 2:55 PM

I can help transport people with my ice, but it takes a bit of getting used to.

ua-miruko 2:55 PM

expect yall to practice that on your own, then!

ua-todoroki 2:55 PM

Yeah.

ua-miruko 2:56 PM

i do a lot of fighting and we'll be doin a lot of training together but i ain't gonna hold your hands the whole way

ua-kaibara 2:56 PM

I thought we were learning about heroics, not flying

ua-todoroki 2:56 PM

We'll need to be careful about how our quirks interact.

ua-kaibara 2:56 PM

...that's a joke

It didn't come off as one I don't think

ua-miruko 2:56 PM

....work on your humor, kid

ua-kaibara 2:56 PM

It'll be dry as ever by the end of this

ua-miruko 2:57 PM

you got a pretty huge shot, thermo, so our job will be makin sure to dodge yer shit....

nice nice

ua-todoroki 2:57 PM

Yeah.

You could also mess with my ice if you stomped the ground, I think. Shatter it.

ua-miruko 2:58 PM

oh fuck yeah.... 👀

ua-todoroki 2:58 PM

So we'll have to be careful about that.

ua-miruko 2:58 PM

nah i WANT that

that's a fuckin great combo

ua-todoroki 2:58 PM

Oh. Really?

ua-miruko 2:58 PM

stomp on your ice, send a whole STORM of ice shards out to kill EVERYONE

ua-todoroki 2:58 PM

I guess ice is sharp.

Huh.

ua-miruko 2:58 PM

we can call it SHATTER STORM

or somethin

HELL YEAH COMBOS

ua-todoroki 2:59 PM

I've never used it like that...

ua-miruko 2:59 PM

yeah!! you got a pretty basic way of using your quirk, i wanna force ya to do it in new fun ways

ua-todoroki 3:00 PM

Still. If I'm trying to capture a villain and you shatter all of it, we could lose them...

It'll be interesting.

ua-miruko 3:00 PM

yeahyeahyeah, we'll see what happens

ANYWAY

yall, we got a few days before we officially start but if ya got time, i wanna test you out a bit

spar with me 👀

ua-todoroki 3:01 PM

Sure.

When?

ua-miruko 3:01 PM

and everyone else too! expecting to fight you all before the week is done

whenever you're free! my schedules clear the next few days

ua-todoroki 3:01 PM

So is mine.

ua-miruko 3:02 PM

👀 awesome

ua-mar 3:09 PM

Wow! A high ranking hero! To think I finally see you in the flesh! I’m Alta Valentine of 2-B and it’s a pleasure and absolute honor to be here! 😸

Ahaaa, this is the first time a hero has called me such a name.......... BUT I PROMISE I WONT LET YOU DOWN 😤😤💪

ua-miruko 3:12 PM

damn, that's a name....yer a second year! interesting!

tell me yer quirk? ua-mar 3:15 PM

My quirk is called Marble! I can amplify the strength, endurance, and speed on anyone I leave contact on for 5 minutes! I can’t amplify their quirks however. But it’s great for long distances if we’re separated!

ua-miruko 3:16 PM

... No shit???

Holy fuck

ua-mar 3:16 PM

......but once I use it.....I get slower 😅

ua-miruko 3:16 PM

🤔 i see

imma need one of those baby backpacks for you then...

what's it like with multiple peeps?

ua-mar 3:16 PM

......baby backpacks😳?

ua-miruko 3:17 PM

yeah! i can just carry ya quick if ya get too slow!

ua-mar 3:18 PM

Oh.....if you say so 😅 

My limit is about 4 people

ua-miruko 3:19 PM

niceeeeee.....

ua-mar 3:20 PM

I hope I can be a great assistance to you all! 💪

ua-miruko 3:22 PM

im thinkin ya will!!!

hold up yall, suddenly we got a newcomer....

@s-inasa GET IN HERE

s-inasa 3:23 PM

IM SORRY MA'AM

IM TERRIBLY SORRY FOR MY TARDINESS

WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN

ua-miruko 3:23 PM

BETTER NOT OR I'LL KICK YA ASS

s-inasa 3:24 PM

YES MA'AM!

ua-miruko 3:25 PM

AWESOME

ua-todoroki 3:25 PM

Oh...

ua-miruko 3:29 PM

not rly familiar with you either so!! tell me bout yourself when yer ready!

we were talkin some preliminary quirk combo techniques and also discussing how we're gonna do some sparring before the week is through!

s-inasa 3:34 PM

IM YOARASHI INASA, MA'AM, FROM SHIKETSU HIGH!

MY QUIRK IS BEING ABLE TO CONTROL THE WIND! 

ID LOVE TO SPar..

Todoroki...!

ua-miruko 3:35 PM

THE WIND, HUH 👀

... yall know each other?

s-inasa 3:38 PM

We...do.

ua-todoroki 3:38 PM

Yeah.

Hi.

ua-miruko 3:38 PM

....uh? why yall so awkward all of a sudden lol

ua-todoroki 3:38 PM

:/...

ua-miruko 3:38 PM

yall got bad blood or something?

ua-todoroki 3:39 PM

It's kind of complicated.

s-inasa 3:39 PM

...very complicated.

ua-todoroki 3:39 PM

It's ok.

Hopefully this will help.

ua-miruko 3:39 PM

...right

listen, yall can talk it out if you want or leave it at the door but i'm telling yall now, i dont care for anything getting in the way of this lol

s-inasa 3:40 PM

It..wont interfere, ma'am!

ua-miruko 3:40 PM

better not 😌

cuz if it does yall are cleaning toilets instead

s-inasa 3:41 PM

NOTHING WILL GET IN THE WAY MA'AM!!

ua-miruko 3:43 PM

good to hear!!

OH SHIT so if you're a windy boy, that means... you can do a lot of flinging, huh 👀

s-inasa 3:44 PM

I can make anyone fly ma'am! And make tornadoes!

I control currents too!

ua-miruko 3:44 PM

PERFECT

aiight so torpedo, yer gonna be makin powerdrill fly a LOT

you'll be helping me get some air too, i bet 😤 NICE

s-inasa 3:46 PM

Anything you say ma'am!

ua-miruko 3:47 PM

nice........with enough air we can use that shit to break through  into any building, heh...

oh FUCK YEAH we gon do some DAMAGE

ua-todoroki 3:49 PM

We can also combine our quirks well.

ua-miruko 3:50 PM

yeah!!!

want as many combos as we can get in here!

make sure each of ya practice with the power up princess too, s'gonna feel weird

suddenly doin your thang with a big ol boost all of a sudden

ua-mar 3:51 PM

Wow! Everyone is so impressive! 😯

ILL TRY MY HARDEST MIRUKO 😤👍

ua-miruko 3:52 PM

💪 😤

ua-mar 4:07 PM

Oh! Miruko Sensei! Forgive me for asking this late, but what kind of training will you put us through?

ua-miruko 4:08 PM

eh...we'll see as we go along but it'll be the general shit... weight training, quirk training... might be a surprise but i do a lot of covert shit

so yall will get a nice lil crash course on that as well

get familiar with all the protocol of doin more public patrols versus shit like stake-outs

....LOTS of beating people up tho

arrests and shit!! it'll be exciting!

if you can keep up, heh

ua-mar 4:13 PM

Oh! I see! I was asking to see the difference in Japanese internships and American internships!! So we’ll cover the whole lot? That is exciting!

ua-miruko 4:13 PM

pretty much lol

ua-mar 4:13 PM

And I may be slow ,  but it’s too soon to be underestimating 😏

ua-miruko 4:14 PM

😤 good!

ua-miruko 9:16 PM

... OI nearly forgot

when yall stop by, go get yourselves situated with the staff, they'll get you all set up at the agency

give you ID cards and all the shits

those cards will give ya access to my agency whenever ya want!! you'll love it, i got a gym set up and EVERYTHING

so feel free to hang out whenever ya want 👀

ua-todoroki 9:22 PM

Oh... That's cool.

ua-miruko 9:22 PM

yeah!! got a fun lounge too, super fuckin tricked out

s-inasa 9:23 PM

A gym?? Great!

ua-mar 9:24 PM

Tricked out , huh? 😯🤔

ua-miruko 9:24 PM

i expect yall in there a bunch 👀

MHM.....got a TV and a bar and the works!!

.....yall cant go into the bar 😡😡😡

ua-mar 9:28 PM

Ack! Miruko Sensei! You can trust us that we won’t trespass into certain areas and focus on our main objective! 😅

ua-miruko 9:29 PM

yeah you better 😡 😤 listen i like a good party too, but we save partying for AFTER we beat the bad guy

s-inasa 9:29 PM

DOES THE BAR HAVE PROTEIN SHAKES

ua-miruko 9:31 PM

BITCH WHO DO YOU THINK I AM

OF COURSE

ua-mar 9:35 PM

So we can go near the bar, but only for protein drinks?

ua-miruko 9:35 PM

... YEAH!!!

s-inasa 9:35 PM

YEAH!

ua-mar 9:44 PM

Understood then! Protein drink are the only exception! If you don’t mind me asking, is there anything you recommend we work on specifically? Any skills that can be learned from you ��� ?

ua-miruko 9:46 PM

good question!! you're real perceptive, i like that 👀 

my style is more close-to-middle range... mostly like to brawl but my PUNCH is PACKIN and my KICK can send fuckers 'cross the country!!!!

so if there's ANYTHING SPECIFIC yall are learnin from me, it's how to kick the shit outta someone LOL

imma make the two of yall who are more used to long range attacks focus more on your bodies while the rest of you work on your OWN power... finding ways to make yourself larger, faster, STRONGER!

🤔  what's also important to me tho... is the environment and the advantages or disadvantages you'll be facing

withstanding the heat, the cold.... dealin with heights and the underground... it's all shit i deal with regularly

yall are probably gonna end up everywhere but underwater lol

ua-mar 9:55 PM

Hmmm. Intriguing. You are certainly strong and intense when it comes to an all out brawl. And I’m guessing you’re just as swift and agile making you quite the one not to provoke at all. With you’re ranking, your skills and experience must be incredibly well rounded and fluid 🤔 

I trust that you will indeed make us more stronger ☺️!

I only ask that you absolutely don’t hold back and don’t underestimate us! 💪

ua-miruko 10:06 PM

hold back? nahhhhhh...

the goal here is to have yall beggin for mercy... 😈

ua-mar 10:12 PM

Oh goodie!~ Well we hope to learn and apply the same 😇! Only from the best! Once again, it’s an honor that to intern with you Miruko Sensei ☺️!

ua-miruko 10:14 PM

you too, kid!

ua-todoroki 10:18 PM

Good luck with that.

[skizmin]

minghao!soulmate au

prompt: if someone touches you, your soulmate feels warm where you’ve been touched and can sense how you feel about the contact (uncomfortable, calm etc;)

genre: fluff soooo much fluff, soulmates!au, very very brief and vague ment of sexual harassment its tiny pls dont be put off, college!au

a/n: hey minghao, i miss you, please rest lots and become healthy for seventeens next comeback!!

okay so

throughout your younger years youve never really paid much attention to your soulmate, ofc your parents told you when you were about four that the weird warm things you were feeling was your “one true love that you’ll meet later” and whatnot

i mean of course youd chuckle sometimes when your cheeks got all warm and an annoyed feeling fleetingly passed through you knowing your soulmate must be being coddled by one of his aunts or smth 

but other than that

you just went on with your life

it wasnt until you were sixteen did you start paying more attention to it

sometimes youd get a bit worried when youd feel a warm spot on your arm and a surge of slight anger in your heart but it was always quickly replaced by happiness

you knew it was his friends hitting him by then so you just chilled tf

even when you felt your ass became VERY warm, you felt the same anger/happiness flow through your body so you just shook the fact that your soulmates ass just got BEAt off and continued what you were doing. 

youll have junhui to thank for that later

so by the time you were going into university you had become very aware of the fact that your soulmate was barely ever getting hugs anymore

and you just :^((( poor bby

and an idea popped into your head like !!!

my soulmate feels warm when i get hugged akdfksjla

instantly you were like IM GONNA HUG EVERYONE!!!!! EVEN IF ITS AWKWARD

so like, first day on campus housing grounds you found your dorm house and with that your RA housemate

she was cool and you where like hhhhhhh

i barely know you but

i have this duty of care for my soulmate so im just gonna

and you hugged her rly big and you felt uncomfortable at first but also so proud of yourself like wow

get you a girl like me ;^))

anyway your housemate is like “oooooookay, this is your room here and its just us and three others who’re already here”

youre awkwardly like cool okay see u later

amd ur blushing rly hard but hey at least you did it

anyway fast forward a couple weeks and youre like hugging all your new friends everytime you see them and theyre like wow shes clingy but they still luv you

and youre!!

so!!

comfortable!!

abt doing it now like “hey hugs????? hugs are my shit.” ya feel?

cut over to minghao whos going to the same university as you with junhui

they both moved from china and minghao misses his fam so much :^(((

particuarly his mums hugs which he got all the time and sometimes he thought it was annoying but now hes like hhhh

MUM BRING ME BACK

minghaos mum was also rly open about haos soulmate and loved hearing about her

like one day hao came home (age 18???) fuming bc he felt his chest get warm in class and then his butt and a really strong feeling of fear and uncomfort and disgust filled him and he immediately knew what happened but he didnt feel anything else after that and he was so glad but still and his mum was like hao that happens to girls :^((( im sorry your soulmate must feel awful rn 

and hao felt sick in his stomach and he was like “im gonna kill anyone that does that to my soulmate again mum !!!!!!!!

and his mum was so proud

anyway hes almost fluent in korean by now and luckily junhui is good at making friends and found some that speak madarin and korean too so!!

their new friend jackson and some others are constantly with hao and hui being like “no that means square, this is how you say suspense” n shit

and hao learnt rly easily!! so did hui!! anyway

lately hao has been feeling his soulmate hug a lot of people lately and hed be rly happy except hes sorta 

“is my soulmate dating someone rn?? :^((” 

and hed remind himself you can date whoever you want before you meet him 

but hed still be all emo bc he wants love too and he misses his family and hes in a foreign country and hes failing one of his subjects bc how is he supposed to know all the non latin korean terms for all the flowers and plants they get pop quizzes on

and he just wants to hurry up and meet you bc hes all 

“everythings gonna be fine when i meet my soulmate!!!!!! theyre gonna make everything perfect for me!!!!!”

like, hao sweetie

calm down

but he’d be so determined like legit whenever junhui was with him and they were around people he’d be like JUNHUI TOUCH MY ARM

and he’d look around frantically for someone being like “tf my arm is warm gosh dang wonder what my soulmates up to lol” but he’d be a bit disappointed every time.

anyway tho so jackson invites him and junhui to his friend jaes party after teaching them all the korean slang shit

legit hes like

“guys. i think youre ready for your first party”

junhui nearly cries

little does he know youre??? invited to the same one by your housemate jimin (jyp gang here we go)

anyway you go to the party and are determined like legit hugging everyone you meet and jimins next to you like

im rly sorry about her dont ask

and minghaos in the kitchen like!!!! wth my soulmate keeps hugging people junhui smh smh 

he’s slightly buzzed and hella jealous

anyway he goes to the loungeroom for a sec to find his friend sicheng who just messaged that he was here 

and wow best luck ever you walk up to junhui and jae and meet them both!! youre all 

JAEE THANKS FOR HAVING THIS PARTY IM Y/N and you give him the biggest hug and then you turn to junhui whos all

hi im junhui

and smiling awkwardly and youre like

NICE TO MEET YOU!!!!!

and give him an even bigger hug than you gave jae and jae and jimin are watching you like wtf and junhuis like awkwardly patting your back and IN COMES MINGHAO WHOS GETTING SICHENG A DRINK

hes like jeSuS chRiSt how many time does she have to hug her s/o in the span of an hour!!!!!!!!

and he feels random extra warmth spurt on his back and hes like what sort bf/gf pats their s/os back lmao and then he seens you hugging junhui and he like

pauses for a second 

then hes like haha gtta be a coincidence that i can see a georgeous random stranger hugging my best friend in the same way i can feel my soulmate hugging someone rn

amd junui sees hao and a wave of relief passes over him and he grabs your shoulders and pushes you away like

MINGHAO HEY!!

and you turn around as junhuis like “this is y/n, friend of a friend of jacksons ad jaes”

and minghaos like HOLY SHIT I FELT THAT MY SHOULDERS JUST GREW WARM

and then you meet eyes with the most goRGEOUS boy youve ever seen like HOW can someone look like that

and as soon as you meet eyes your body just gets soWARM and your heart like

fuckin swells and shit

and youre like ohmygodohmygod whats happening

and hes looking at you with the widest eyes ever and everyones like “wow they must find each other pretty hot theyre just staring at each other”

and suddenly minghao grabs sichengs hand and just places it on his chest and sichengs like wtf no homo

and you feel warmth on your chest and a surge of shock, excitement and hopefulness rush through your blood but the first thing you say is

WTF YOU PERV as youre grabbing your chest and junhui finally catches on and walks up and pokes you in the stomach and you yelp and minghao just touches the warm spot on his stomach and smiles SO wide

he legit runs up to you like OHMYGOD YOURE MY SOULMATE TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IVE DREAMT OF MEETING YOU MY WHOLE LIFE 

and he goes to hug you but stops himself

by now everyones gone to give you some privacy 

and youre like wot!!!!! hug me!!!!!!

but he just says “dont you have a partner?? im not doing anything with you until you and them break up” he ain no homewrecker sweeties no cheating in this household

and youre just like

????????? what ?????????

“youre always hugging your partner!! its hard not t notice, youre so proud after too :^(((”

and you start laughing

hes just pouting at you like whattttttttttttt

you say in between laughs

im hugging people for you!!! you havent been getting hugs lately, and i like it when you get hugs i love the feeling so i thought id hug a bunch of people so you could feel warm anf fuzzy inside!!!

he looks at you like,,,,,, oh,,,,,,

and then he swoops you into the biggest bear hug ever and you feel warm and fuzzy except its not the same. it feels so

so real??????

you almost start crying and then he pulls away looking teary eyed too

“y/n was it??? im minghao. and im looking forward to hugging you and being with you for the rest of my life.”

youve never smiled wider as you jumped into him and gave him your first kiss while thinking of how great your future was gonna be.

fin.

hope yall liked that shit!!!!!!

[coalessscence]

semi hiatus update.

as many of you may know i am on a sort of semi hiatus thru the end of november bc of Weird Hours @ work. buuut IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE IT LESS WEIRD. i’ve decided to rly uSE my queue ?? i generally speaking only use my queue for musings posts, since i have so many muses, and if i posted them all as i found them i’d spam the Heck out of you all. but in the interest of actually getting to do stuff around here despite my weird hours and lack of general motivation as a result, i’m gonna also be queueing most ooc / ask memes / mun things, and also, REPLIES.

that’s right, ya girl might actually write some short replies ???? Shocking

but if/when she does, they’re goin into the queue, which i’m gonna up the posting times on to make up for how much stuff i’ll be throwing in it. this is not to say i won’t be organically online over the weekends, but during the week, 99% of activity will be queued, i think. i wiLL post a lot of ooc ask meme responses as i do them though, so you don’t wind up having to wait ten million years for something I did Right Away. (IC asks meme responses? are replies and get queued)  ANYWAYS YES I HOPE Y’ALL HAVE A GREAT DAY I’M GONNA GO....SHUFFLE MY QUEUE LOL

[briteboy]

LITERALLY SO MANY QUESTIONS AND THIS IS ONLY HALF OF THEM 

lmao RIP me (now u know why i take so long to answer)

do you know the game what remains of edith finch? its really fantastic, I just finished the part with lewis, his whole situation with reality reminded me of santi. just wanted to tell you :)

surprisingly no i haven’t ever heard of it! :O but now i’m intrigued, i googled it and i’m reading up on it hehe thank you for telling me, u learn something new every day :~}

Hello femmesim! I'm a new simblr & I see you get a lot of notes on your great story! I guess this probably means you have a lot of followers too. I was wondering if you follow them all back. If not do you check out your followers & how do you decide which ones to follow back? What don't you like. What would make you unfollow them? Oops that was a lot lol!

iiiiiiiii honestly haven’t even looked at my actual followers page in a loooooong time, even on my personal blog i was never good with that lol. i just can’t keep up with everyone and i don’t want to feel obligated to follow everyone back because that would be way too many posts on my dashboard all the time y’know. it sounds mean but...ajksdgdsf i WISH i could follow everyone back but itsjustnotrealistic

tbh i follow people back when they reach out to me, make an effort to engage with me, send me messages, reply, or just frequently interact with my posts because it gets my attention and shows their personality. i don’t mean that as in like...”you can’t be my friend unless you give me notes” (LMFAO NO) i mean it as in like i’m fcking oblivious and it’s too much work for me to go out of my way and check out every single blog that follows me :{ but i love messaging and communicating through replies so even if you’re nervous pleeeease step out of your comfort zone, i promise i’m like a pretty good OK human being and i try to make funny jokes so talking to me isn’t that bad i promise.

as for your other questions...tbh i dunno, i like blogs that interest me. (duh...lmao what kind of answer even is that) i usually go for people that show their personalities in their posts (go figure), like memes (lmfao), have an intriguing aesthetic, HONESTLY IDK...i follow a lot of diverse blogs tbh, not just ones that are similar to mine. i only unfollow ppl if i have no memory of following them and their content doesn’t interest me, if they say/do something that irks or angers me (that’s only happened like twice tho), or if they post like EXCESSIVE nsfw...i didn’t sign up for that lmao

i hope i don’t sound like an asshole for all this but it’s just like...i can’t deny i get a lot of attention on here. and i never expected it so i’m pretty unprepared for it lmao. i try my best tho :{ just reach out to me and we’ll probably be frands ok

so many feelings

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog but to the Anon who said how she looks white if she's Hispanic. Not all hispanics are brown haired and tan. I'm Puerto Rican and I'm blonde and have blue eyes. Hispanics come in different tones and what nots :)

hell0 thank you <3 yeah hispanic people are very diverse, especially with varying nationalities, and especially with puerto ricans. i personally know a lot of puerto ricans who are white passing so it’s really not that uncommon. everyone’s different, and as eir said, white passing POC are still POC!

papa ya - sunny ; thats your song boo lol

OOH i actually like this...i’m boppin my head rn lmao thank u

So basically the last anon is saying hispanics can't be 'white'? I know many 'white' hispanics???

i don’t wanna twist their words, i think they just meant molly looks ethnically white and i understand that, i’m not denying she’s white passing but tbh...idk, if she wasn’t my own sim i’d look at her and kinda know she’s not 100% white y’know. she has features that don’t look european. plus the fact that i’ve posted her speaking spanish before soooo. anyway yeah it’s very possible for a hispanic person to literally have white skin but that doesn’t mean they’re ethnically white

well if she has family from spain it's normal for them to have blonde hair and green eyes, so i mean that could make sense.

she could, who’s to say lol. it’s rly not that deep tho, she’s half white, half puerto rican, das it. but yeaah there is a wide array of genetic possibilities for every race! who’da thunk it

Hey, I'm a new reader, is it possible you could link some earlier parts to your story. You don't have to if it's problem though I know how tumblr be. I love the visuals style of your sims. That's what caught my eye. I also was wondering what editing program would you suggest. I kinda want to test out editing my sims.

heyo i summed up the story here and here and there’s a lot of posts of key events linked in there! thank you though, that’s so kind ;-; <3 wellll the only editing program i use is photoshop cs6 so i’d recommend that haha. you can find it for free pretty easily, but if you’re not into that, there are plenty of other programs you can use. i know a lot of ppl on here use gimp. 

hi! I need advice and idk where to get it from but you seem like a really good person who has some wisdom lol! so basically i'm in a big financial situation. I had a good paying job but it made me have anxiety and panic attack because i hated it so much. and i quit my job before i had another job lined up. So my bank account is very close to being completely empty and i have bills and i have to move soon. I NEED ADVICE OR SOMEONE TO TELL ME ITS GOING TO BE OK.

omg first of all i’m so touched that you even came to me with this wtf ;___; ily

second of all it IS going to be ok, you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you hate if it’s really impeding on your mental health that much. it’s not good for you in the long run, even if it pays well. like, at what cost do you want to sell yourself in order to make money? my point is you made a good decision but lacked the foresight, which luckily is something that can be remedied easily. (well...hopefully, but job hunting is never easy :\ ) if you’re still in this situation by the time your bills and everything catch up to you, you can always seek help from family and friends or look into loans...find someone (or multiple people) who will stick by you and support you through this, because this is something way too hard to do alone. (if you don’t have anyone, i’m here for you ;-; ) i honestly don’t have any good advice for finding another job because tbh that’s something i always flounder in, and i’m gonna have to do the same thing by the time i finish up school in the next month AHHHHH

i’m prayin 4 both of us, but you especially <3

Hi!!! sorry i remember seeing an ask about Lou's eyelashes but i cannot find it :((( could you please tell me where can i find it???

hey she just uses the kijiko ones! sometimes if it’s a closeup i use these eyelash brushes tho

hi! sorry, this is a weird question but i thought you could help maybe.... i recently started playing ts4 again, but when i am in cas, there is a weird shine on all cc hairs.... do you have a solution for this? thank you in advance!

hmmmmm i kinda get a weird shiny glitch too but it’s only with certain things, and it’s usually remedied by clicking on the sim’s different outfit categories until it goes away lol. but if it’s on ALL of the hairs...hmm...i’m assuming you’re talking about alpha? because i don’t think clay hairs usually have that problem. check if laptop mode is on, if it is, turn it off!! that’s the only solution i can think of :{

i feel like too many people are reading too deeply into things. either way i love your work and just read the entire thing in a day and i love you so much idek.

i think this was sent when i was getting messages about my dialogue haha. i mean i definitely understand their points in saying it has too many realistic vocal quirks, but tbh that’s what i like about it, and i think that’s part of the reason people connect with it. idk. but thank you so much ily ;__;

hi i just wanted to ask how do you manage your time and how do you post frequently without feeling overworked and overwhelmed ? do you have some sort of schedule, because you seem very organized lol . tysm for answering <3 !

hmmmmm how? um poorly LMAO

no but really...it’s hard. i’m glad i’m so into this story/eager to see all your reactions to it because otherwise the chaos of my life would’ve definitely deterred me from moving along with it a while ago. that’s basically the reason i’m so surprised i even made it this far tbh. i accomplished so much more than i ever thought i would. ;__;

i don’t have an answer for this question because i DO often feel overwhelmed and i have to take a step back and remind myself it’s not the end of the world if i don’t have time to go in game or edit or whatever. i think it’s because i set up this timeline for myself in terms of goals i want to reach with my story throughout the rest of the year and i get frustrated with myself when those plans become delayed because of other obligations. (for example i definitely thought baby wallace would’ve been born by now lmao syke) i was getting burnt out very easily before, which is why i’ve been taking it slower lately (that and i’ve been working a lot more so i don’t have as much free time as i used to :\ ) the good thing about having different characters tho is that when i get burnt out on one thing i can just switch over to another thing at an opportune time (which is what i’ve always done with santi and girooni)

anyway yeah i am kinda organized (in my own weird way) in terms of story planning, controlling the pacing and key events, and that’s definitely the reason i’m able to post so frequently. i used to have multiple free days a week where i could go in game for long amounts of time and get lots of scenes done at once, but at this point in my current schedule i just basically go in game whenever i'm free from the clutches of capitalism (jk we’re never free save us bernie) which means i only have time to do like one thing in game but it seems to be working just as well so far.

.............i’m how i wrote a novel to answer this

im glad i pretty much got it. i can really relate to everything going on. i can see a lot of myself in santi and molly & i get it. the movies make you think you fall in love and everythings fixed like they fill that void in your soul and i mean sure they fill parts of it but you need to do that yourself and not rely on someone else. Your story is real and you can tell your writing from personal experience because theres so much feeling. u think ur fixing urself and u end up more hurt in the end

i’m so glad you can relate ;-; i think that’s one of my proudest accomplishments so far. i mean santi has always been relatable for me because he IS me...or at least partly me, just like all my characters are. but i never thought anyone else would feel the same way, so it means so much to me that people enjoy him as a character because of that.

anyway YES exactly. i hate the “no one’s going to love you if you don’t love yourself” mentality, i think it’s a toxic way of looking at the benefits of genuine self love. the sentiment behind it is true, but it’s a backwards way of looking at it. someone’s else’s love shouldn’t be your motivation, your own love toward yourself should be your motivation. when you look at it in the other way, you do end up getting more hurt in the end.

lol anons back the frick off, that scene is perfect, santi is perfect, sunny is perfect, the stuttering is perfect THIS BLOG IS FREAKIN PERFECT

oMG i appreciate the support, but i don’t blame those people for having issues with my dialogue hahahha. i know it’s kind of different and weird but it just feels right for me when i write it so i go with it. i rly like santi’s stuttering tho so *shrugs* THANK YOU THO ILY <333

hey! I was wondering if you have any tips on making(?) light leaks in photoshop? idk if you've answered this already bc I'm on mobile, buT if u have I'll just check when I get on my computer next !!! Thanks !

ummM I DON’T ACTUALLY because i get all my light leaks off google lmao. i have a folder of all the ones i’ve collected over time lmao

you could probably easily make some with the paintbrush in overlay mode with varying opacities tho? i’ve tried to replicate this a few times actually, but the rest of the time i just use light leaks made by other people lol

Do you enjoy more playing the game or taking the photos/making the story? Do you play challenges?

LATELY i’ve been just enjoying playing the game because i’ve gotten burnt out on story things and just playing is such a nice break from it haha. whenever i have to wait in game for it to be a certain time of day for story purposes, i go play with girooni for a few sim hours to pass the time and it’s fun for me lmao. i’m looking forward to my story winding down so i can get back to doing more gameplay things like i did before but at the same time i’ll always do at least something story related because i like the sense of direction it gives y’know.

i’ve never actually tried any challenges, not even just regular old legacies because i would always either get sick of the sims i was playing with or get too attached to them and not want to go to a new generation lmao. i was never interested in any challenges tbh. i like watching other people do bachelor(ette) challenges tho heheh

WHEN DID SANTI BECOME SUCH A STRONK BOI also you are so sweet we don't deserve you??? You are a blessing I love you thank you for doing this aaaaa ;;; you are an inspiration I hope I can do what you do too! OK BYE HAVE A NICE DAY ❤️❤️❤️

OMG HE’S ALWAYS BEEN SECRETLY STRONK (i’m assuming this is about how he beat ugly stepdad to a pulp lmao) he mostly gets his strength from anger and an adrenaline rush. a BLESSING WHAT!!!!!! YOU’RE SO SWEET ILY ;__; don’t thank me, i’m just doin what i love <3 have a nice day/night/rest of your life ily

But why are ur anons so needy lol isn't that like ur third one angry that u haven't responded

ugh i feel bad because i get it, i do, i understand it hurts when you reach out to someone multiple times and you get ignored, but i don’t do it on purpose and i have explained, many times, the plenty of valid reasons why i can’t respond to 100% of my messages. i’m actually trying to answer all of my message right now with these mass answer posts and it’s REALLY a lot for me to go out of my way and do this. so i’m trying ok. but like i’m only a person ajhsdghjdfjhk i can only give so much attention to this y’know. please be patient

from this moment on we should all proceed to take cautions around ppl named dan.... TAINTED

I KNO RIGHT...dan is such an ugly boring name (no offense to the dans of the world) but like if you’re a dane you’re probably evil or are the human embodiment of cardboard

I can not say it enough. Great story. It's life. And life is beautiful, loving, refreshing and sometimes it can be harsh & scary. You take the good with the bad. I look forward to what comes next. --"Run away, run far away" nony (I have to start thinking of new tag line, because I am diggin Santi and Lou together) :)

HELLO FRIEND i kinda love that you keep coming back ehehe. and i’m glad you’re enjoying it so much ;___; these words are so kind and genuine, thank you so much <3333 OMG i’m glad you like santou as well even though they’re on a slow decline right now. i’m really excited about what i have planned in the future tho

omggggg my theory is the first one on that list you posted!! i'm so happy for that but also sad bc of what's going on with molly and santi and i hope that santi will finally just be happy soon. love you and your sims (except step dad dan) 💕💕

OOH HELLO YES you basically guessed everything that happened up until this point hahaha congratulations <33 santi will be happy...eventually. it’s going to be a long hard road in getting there tho. i hope you’ll all be satisfied in the end

fuck you dan stepdad

[symplegades]

i’m gonna do one of those old facebook note quiz things from 2010

Are you ready to answer these questions honestly even if it starts to get hard? ya How old is the last person you kissed on the lips? 27 Who was the last person you had a face to face conversation with? my best friend from undergrad What were you doing at 12 am last night? getting into bed/falling asleep Does the person you like, like you back? um i hope so!!!!!!! we share a bed????? Have you ever walked away from someone who was yelling at you? unclear. maybe but i think i’d be too squeamish to do that, i’d just stand there and cry Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them? nah i always have to talk it out either with them or someone else, and both options usually end in me getting over it/getting closure and going back to normal Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours? yep When you say you don't care do you mean it? i don’t say i don’t care very much, so i guess when i say it i do mean it? i’ll have to pay attention next time Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? yep Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? nah i kissed mike while he was still covered in shaving cream it was yikes Have you ever cried cause you were so mad? oh absolutely, like 100% of the time What's your favourite color? cool colors. <-- what i wrote in 2010 but still true What color is your shirt? grey with purple lettering What do you hear? netflix, i’m watching this movie ~out of the dark~ Last person of the opposite sex you gave a hug to? actually my friend kevin from grad school! i just ran into him at work Are you sitting or standing? sitting. <-- also written in 2010, also still true Are you keeping a secret from anyone? um probably Have you ever kissed someone in the rain? ya Have you kissed someone with braces? yes. <-- i don’t remember that but apparently yes Are you short? ok in 2010 i wrote yes but i think i’m actually pretty average or even taller than average. maybe i was shorter in 10th grade What would your last name be if you were married to the last person you texted? ok i just texted like 3 people at once. i guess velez Last picture comment was from? did this mean, like, on myspace or facebook? idk who was the last person to comment on my fb photos. oh actually you know what a friend of a friend went through all my public posts including photos and commented on all of it and it was rly offputting, so that’s who How was your day overall? p good, i applied to 2 jobs and got called back for a second interview for another job (FINALLY) Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? probably SOMEONE in the world. maybe my ma Have you ever kissed anyone within an hour of meeting them? ok mike tried to kiss me after our first date but i was like no that is creepy. and looking back i’m like aw so sweet we shoulda kissed! but no it was still uncomfy that he was trying to kiss me a very short time after we first met Are you anyone's first love? pls. sure i guess, people in high school. Could you handle living together with the last person who texted you? lol maybe? i’ve never considered it. prolly we could find agreements/common ground So, the person you like, their name starts with a B, doesn't it? it does not. <-- still true Is the person you last texted single? negative. <-- also still true Do you think age matters in relationships? i mean it’s totally dependent on context. we talking about 16 and 18 year olds or 16 and 32 year olds? i guess it always MATTERS it just depends on how it matters, like being similar ages kinda matters bc you’ve had similar life experiences at similar points in history and being very different ages matters bc you gotta wonder what’s going on. but once you’re over like, 25 i feel like bigger age gaps are more acceptable depending on what’s going on in folks lives. idk. How is your hair right now? it’s okay, up in a pony. actually i thought it was in a bun but i just touched it and it is a pony, usually it’s a bun when i’m home Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? nah he’s cool, although sometimes i have trouble following his thought process Where was your default picture taken? my prof pic on fb was taken at columbia Who's the last person you took a picture with? yikes, ahhhh... probably mike. Are you waiting for something? a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did you get your last bruise? who knows. <-- still true. i’m not sure i currently have any bruises? Do you believe in love? yes. <-- still true What are your plans for the summer? ikea with sami tomorrow, permit on monday, kate's birthday party monday night, possibly beach with em sara hayley + meg on tuesday, dermatologist on wednesday, california with sami from friday to tuesday, one week home, to maine for 2 weeks, one week home to schedule driving time and finish summer reading and find a job. wooo!

^^^^^sorry i just wanna preserve that 2010 message bc it’s so wholesome and high school-ish and carefree.

my actual summer plans are just intense job hunting and getting a job. then maybe planning a trip home or to maine, then planning a china trip but probably won’t happen this summer. What was your first thought this morning? wa wa why is my alarm going off Have you kissed anyone this month? ya Could you date someone taller than you? sure Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again? uhhh. yeah i’m sure there are things i didn’t do great. idk? Have you ever gotten butterflies from someone? oh yes. <-- lol wtf? “oh yes”? ya sure idk Do you like waking up in the morning to find that you have new texts? sometimes. i think when i was younger it was more exciting but now i’m kinda relieved when i wake up and don’t have notifications. Ever had braces? nope. <-- still true Do you enjoy Taco Bell or McDonalds? i haven’t eaten either in ages even tho i want to but i know i’ll just get diarrhea. but i’d probably get mcdonalds given the choice Have you ever walked on the beach at night? oh yes. <-- oh yes?? anyway the most prominent “walking on the beach at night” story was when i was on spring break with my friends in ghana (or maybe we were in togo?) and we got stuck in this beach house like a mile down this deserted beach and it was like 2am and we’re walking and all super scared bc we’re a bunch of american girls in a foreign land and then 2 random dudes come out of nowhere and we’re all like NO LEAVE US ALONE and they somehow follow us to our house? and like try to come in? and we’re all f r e a k i n g out bc we’re afraid they’re gonna attack us but then my friend who is naive and trusting opens the door and we’re all screaming like DON’T OPEN THE DOOR but then i guess he just asked if we like... needed matches or something. anyway it was a lot What were you doing at 2AM this morning? sleeping.  <-- still true Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex? nope it was mike’s mom Has a girl sat on your bed before? yes although actually i don’t think that has happened in this apartment? no one ever really goes in the bedroom except mike and me. but maybe in the old apartment girls had sat on my bed before. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? chatting with my friend and getting my thread organized Ever kissed anyone 18 or older? lol ya Math or English? womp. english? i’m poop at math now i haven’t taken it since i was a freshman in undergrad Do you have any twins in your family? i don’t think so, which is surprising bc it’s a pretty big family Are you shy? depends on the setting and how comfy i am feeling Are you close with your siblings ? meh depends on the day. i think sometimes my middle sister mom’s me too much/nags me/treats me like a baby. You'd say "Fuck you" to your ex, ain't I right? which ex? i mean probably not, what’s the point? How you feeling? kinda hungry Will you ever run away and get married in Las Vegas with no notifications to either of your families? lol nooooooooo What do you think of boyfriends/girlfriends calling each other by food names? i think it is hilar and i wish mike and i did it If you're single, then why don't you get a boyfriend/girlfriend ? not single but also this question unnecessarily adheres to the gender binary also even if i was single i don’t need a partner heck! When was the last time you were craving to get drunk? wah not in a while, i can’t hold my alcohol and mike doesn’t drink so it’s not very fun I don't know about you, but I like saying "fuck" a lot. Do you? not like a LOT. when appropriate Do you think you'll be one of those people that will get a divorce in the future? eep i hope not? does anyone consider themselves “one of those people”? Who did you last hug? my best friend from undergrad Have you ever done something that was really bad for yourself? dur Is it worth crying over a guy or a girl? i mean... crying is crying. it’s not a question of worth it or not. if you wanna cry then cry Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? ya but we’d need to do a lot of emotional repair Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before? oh absolutely i was trying to pretend that i wasn’t running horribly late but i was and i made her stand around for so long and she was pissed Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? probably Are you wearing pants? shorts. does that count? <-- same Would you date someone twenty years older than you? womp not right now i’d feel a bit yikes. maybe if i was like 60 and they were 80 or something. it feels better to me if we’re both old lol Is your birthday in less than 6 months? nah Would you ever quit a bad habit for someone? i did actually! i was still smoking a bit when mike and i got together and he really hated it/asked me to stop Have you ever felt guilty about something you didn’t do? oh absolutely lol i feel lots of emotions about everything Do looks matter the most to you? nah Are you looking forward to tomorrow? meh Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? yeah! What are you doing after this? probably gonna make french fries Is something bothering you? unemployment ;( Three days from now, will you be in a relationship? i don't even know if i'm in a relationship NOW. <-- o shit 2010 alicia??? wyd?? you good???

anyway ya i hope so Has someone ever made a promise with you and broke it? i’m sure Will your next kiss be a mistake? hope not! Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? we goin on 3 years here so Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? mommy. <-- still true!! we literally talk every day if not multiple times a day. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? nope! What are you doing tomorrow? sigh probably clean... apply for another job. cross stitch lol What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? he still likes me (: <-- i’m so sad for 2010 me. what is going on? i’m so sad.

and i have no clue what my last thought was, i think i was wondering if mike wanted me to stop leaning on his arm Do you get along more with girls or guys? girls are beautiful and perfect and guys are yikes until proven otherwise next Do you remember who you liked on New Years? lol ya this same guy Have you ever intentionally pissed someone off? probably? Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? nah The person you fell hardest for calls, what do you say? hey!!! how's phoenix?! why are you talking to me and not your arizona brethren? <-- ooooooooooh it’s when i dated this white missionary boy who i loved so much but he def did not love me but i was like, just totally infatuated. my best friend from high school refers to this boy as my renaissance bc i after dating him i started dating much cuter people lol

um anyway it’s hard to quantify who i fell hARDEST for i guess? i mean i’m currently in the process of marrying mike so i think he wins. if he called i would ask how bar night was and when the transformers movie is starting bc he got free tix from work Do you think someone has feelings for you? lol he better Have you done anything sneaky lately? hm hm. i don’t think sneaky. Do you find smoking unattractive? sigh i shouldn’t but i do think it makes ppl look sooooo COOL Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? ya we like live together How many cigarettes have you smoked today? zero. <-- still true! Kissed someone who's name started with an N? hmmmmm. when i studied abroad i kissed a LOT of people so i’m sure one of their names started with N When was the last time something bothered you? lol what? constantly? Was last night terrible? nah it was good just a quick turnaround of getting home and going to bed. i ate a lot of watermelon which was gr8 What does your hair look like right now? pony-ish First person to speak to you in '09? lmfao damn i’m dating myself. idfk. Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to? i mean, i’m not worried about losing them, but yes i’d be afraid or upset if i lost them Are you basically a happy person? i hope so! Do you wish you could take things back? meh. no regerts and all that Have you ever wondered what life would be like without your best friends? omg what?? no?? it would be terrible?? Last person to make you seriously mad? prolly bigots Be honest, are you starting to gain feelings towards anyone? i’m like 3 years in so Do you think relationships are even worth it? well fuck i hope so lol Does anyone completely understand you? i mean no one will ever ~~completely~~ understand me but ya i have lots of people i am close to and whom i trust a lot Did you hug anyone in the last 48 hours? yep! Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot? lol yes smh Where do you see your ex in 5 years? sigh i have a lot of ex’s don’t put me on blast like this. a few of them are already married so. idk. employed? Your ex runs into you and hugs you, what do you do? which. one. actually it doesn’t rly matter bc if any of them did that i’d be like wat Who was your last missed call from? my dad, we were playing phone tag on father’s day Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up? yeah one from my best friend from high school saying “wtf” bc i told him about how rats can eat snakes if you’re not paying attention when you feed your snek When you and your friends are out and about do you usually get dirty looks? wut? i mean no but probably when i was a teen or preteen we were annoying and did get dirty looks Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films? i lOOOve these films but if it’s about like home invasions i get scared, or like things that live in your house Favorite fruit? god i love fruit. raspberries, applies, cherries (but i’m allergic now :(((((((( ), melon, oranges, the whole shebang. When someone says "we need to talk," what runs through your mind? yikes.com What are your chances of getting with your crush? smh i think they’re pretty good Who did you talk to on the phone last, and why? mom bc i was walking home and wanted to chat with her Do you always answer your phone? yes always Ever worn something of the opposite sex's clothing? dur Which do you enjoy more, to eat or sleep? lmao ahhhhhh i guess eat. Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind? i mean, yes i have a partner who is a man who i love dearly but he’s not like ALWAYS on my mind, like rn i’m not rly thinking about him but i do care for him a lot and think of him often/want to share most things with him Do you believe your latest ex thinks about you? who??... is my latest ex...... either that aaron guy from okcupid or -- omg CONNOR sigh omg poor boy i hope he’s okay. i hope he doesn’t think about me omg Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? mike Do you know anyone who would just drop everything to come see you? i mean what’s EVERYTHING... like within reason yeah Your best friend tells you, you have a drug problem, you say? ah i love you and we will get through this lets research our options together

[323398149]

2017 update

omg the other day i said hi to one of the other dank memes admins and he was so shocked and like stumbled over his words and was like “yeah i know you i was like wow this girl has really good funny memes” and i just nodded and smiled LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL IT WAS AMAZING warmed my heart i have fans guys 

mist is in less than a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my team went from 4 to 8 woooooooooo doubled that shit yas 

deca was great

we’re gonna start a ceramics club and i think imma do treasurer

imma write an article on the new guy running for ndp leader for mustang print

ap exams are coming up and im doing both ap english 1 and 2 

ted rogers accepted me for both business management and accounting and finance

by best friends are happily dating <3

the guy i was “talking to” last year now has a girl so there’s that looool

i’m 5′9″ !!!!!!!!!!! (in my timbs loool sike) 

imma start working out again starting wednesday 5 lbs per  month 

hoping to hear back from rye eng soon-ish, i applied to industrial with an 86 avg and the cut off is 84 so hopefully ill be fine

uhmmm my best friend died lol :/ miss her everyday, two weeks today

same i just switched tabs back to fb cause im the fucking meme queen these days LOOOL ppl tag me in memes ive introduced them to the notifs poor in haha

anyways yeah damn so much has happened 

i have the hugest crush on jcole these days holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiit he’s faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaav

uuuuuuh yeah yo ceramics is sooo great everyone walks by and goes wowowowow at whatever im working on and im like saaaame am i an artsy kid now? jks it’s rly just about being precise so tbh math. i had the highest mark at one point and everyone came over to congratulate me like THAT’S how positive the atmosphere is there i love it sm

aaah i’m killing all my classes (except physics ha)

ram literally calls me one of his fav students so there’s that <3 (luh u too ram)

but yeah yo damn i made this blog as a little kid and here i am at 18 damn 

tbh i noticed the only difference between 17 and 18 is that i now clean my room without being told to hahahah

bruh im so happy i cant even put it into words im content with all i have and so appreciative of it 

the world is still a shit place but i now walk thru it looking for ways to brighten it yknow? 

[sundayswithshan]

190120

i rly had so much to say last night but now i don’t remember. but i want u to know that every time i hear “human beings” i hear “human beans” and ive been laughing at myself about this for like 5 minutes.

i dreamed about you the other day. every time i dream about you it feels so warm and real, waking up is a bit of a crushing reality, but yeet i guess. i just remember asking you why you weren’t talking to me, you said it was because i was so far away. it hurt a lot bc there’s nothing i’d rather do than be there, but long distance can work temporarily imo. ill have a bachelors by the end of this year and then spring 2020 i’ll be there. i found a program for foreign actors that covers everything and pays super well, its a one-year contract for musical theatre which isn’t my forte, but i’ll take it if it gets me over there. we’ll see.

oh also, so, my moped got stolen. ive been super upset about it.. i just bought a cheap used one (his name is Sunday, he seems to be a good boy, just arrived half an hour ago) in hopes that Bike Wazowski returns. I had to walk 2 miles to work each way. it’s been stressful. happy birthday shan

speaking of! i had such a great birthday week. dakota was visiting me and we had a lot of fun and i ate lobster and wagyu kobe steak. i also got two cakes. my aunt made me a cake and i bought one for myself. literally living my best life. and it feels good to be a year older.

in more exciting news, i just blew a TON of money for one of the best trips of my life. i’m going to miami with my brother and some of our friends, to Ultra Music Festival. Zedd is a headline so you know i’m there. I thought about how fun it would be if you were there too, if you got time off at the end of march and came to the festival bc it’s gonna be insane. but i know you won’t do that so it’s whatever, but it’s a fun thought. i’m SO excited. i’ve never done something like this.. booking a hotel for 6 people to all go to a festival in miami during spring-break-time. but don’t you worry... you’re still my one and only. you’ll be on my mind the whole time. i promise. even though i’m not sure what to think since nothing is ever easy.. i asked for a playlist on my birthday and i got a song a few days later. coincidence i guess. i guess you didn’t follow me here? its reasonable, but sad. i wouldve liked to know that you actually did make the move from fans to here. 

honestly what i really need right now is one of your nice inspirational tweets. please. those make me.. really feel something. i like you. and i like you a lot more when you say something motivating and inspiring to the million people looking up to you. myself included... i take your motivation to heart. i’m lonely. i miss you. it’s hard for a romantic like myself to be alone. ive never dated because i was young when i met you and had never wasted my time before. to this day, ive never dated. ive always just felt something about you, like the Lord is pulling me to you for some reason. so it never occurred to me to even look elsewhere. it sucks im this committed to someone i can’t even hear from. and on a non-romantic level, i miss my family a lot too and don’t see my friends often, so i really struggle with loneliness. it would be nice to hear you say something about patience i guess.

that’s all though. ive gotta get started on some work, and cook some lunch and all that. i hope to hear from you soon.. i hope the tour’s going well.

See ya soon.

Shan :)

[persional]

im only getting drunker and im outta content so im gonna write a post for sober me to stumble upon one fateful day and the post is gonna be about laurel i really miss them and i dont know where we stand at all im really bad at casual unlabeled things i was bad at polyamory im bad at it ! i realized recently we had 2 first kisses and they called the 2nd one “the real one” im in l*ve maybe not really but i keep thinking i think bc it’s conditioned in me i don’t like the time before you get to say i love you why cant i just tell everyone i love them all the time except like friends that im not that close to who will just say it like thats not ideal. they said and then repeated that they want to see me as soon as they get back and it’s like that reassurance i keep coming back to and i hate being the one to always text back but most of it is im fucking bored theres like 3 people left here who will voluntarily hang out with me. im so glad i dont lie that takes so much of the weight off of my social interactions to just be like yeah im gonna tell the truth rn. the first time we had s*x laurel said promise me one thing just promise me you won’t break me into a billion tiny pieces just promise me you won’t lie to me. and i was like i have some extremely good news for you because i only ever lie to myself. i like them a lot. a Lot. kissing them feels like being on a roller coaster which i know because i went on a roller coaster a few weeks ago and as we started to freefall i thought this is exactly what it feels like to kiss laurel. i feel like their name shouldn’t be capitalized so that way the beginning can be the same as the end like a marble rolling around in your mouth that starts and then ends right on the tip of the tongue even though technically one is a light L and the other is a dark /l/. im drinking my last four loko tonight and hoping to get schwasted and hoping to stop needing to drink in order to go to sleep soon. not my last of all time i should clarify just the last one we have in the fridge. savannah gets back on tuesday late night on tuesday and laurel gets back at some point on wednesday im not sure what time and im afraid to ask i think i’ll ask just a day or two before so there’s kind of... because savannah and i are planning to hang out a lot that day and also to get dinner with savannah’s cousins and although i dont think it would be the end of the world if i left in the middle of dinner it obviously won’t be ideal. im listening to my cancer season playlist and honestly it’s really good. i really don’t want to eat this apple pie i’d rather just have another quesadilla or better yet some fried rice. i guess i could microwave more peanut noodles but i kind of hate those at this point like theyre a little disgusting no ? i started writing this post bc i saw a post about someone’s favorite thing about girls they said it was ‘the way they stroke you’ and i thought about us holding hands and holding each other and their freckles and the coconut oil on their face and how their eyes are brown in the center and green on the edges  and how i don’ t deserve any of it im not sure if we’re anything close to dating but i still strongly contest savannah’s assertion that she thinks it’s just physical theyve said ‘i really like you (too)’ they said ‘i romanticize you’ they came to me house after i made that song, that song got me laid and i think about that all the time and it’s not like we always have sex sometimes we just sleep together in the same bed and i feel so real with them it’s so hard to feel like im not just slipping into the version of myself that somebody wants me to be and i realized after a year with adrianne i realized there are parts of myself that i’m putting on which aren’t parts of me at all there are parts of me! there is a height to the frequency to my voice! there is a demureness because she wants a woman and i can’t be butch and hers at the same time but i don’t feel like that now and im trying really hard to be real and i hope theyre doing the same i hope theyre not... once they came over with another friend after a party and once our friend left and we were kissing on the couch they started crying and i just wanted them to feel safe it’s so rare that someone is crying and you actually get to hold them. they were crying and im thinking about duck butter now because it’s usually me who isn’t real even if im not lying im not being myself and this time it’s not me so it can only be them and i never know how they feel or what they’re thinking and they’ll say something like uh yeah i like you or they’ll kiss me, once i was kissing them goodbye as i left their house and their housemate saw us it was so funny and also the first time anyone else has seen us kiss idk im not sure where we stand i asked about it probably too early when we were high i said what is this what are we doing and they said i don’t know but i like it. so like i really don’t know and i gave them a chance and i don’t know what to do like maybe they really think it is just a physical thing and they feel roped in but there have been times when they said things that absolutely were not required and i was like oh Hm? im just trying to be fucking real but theyre not great at communicating,, fucking air signs am i rite, theyre a gemini and i think about that all the time how ive dated 2 pisces and 2 leos, we don’t know each other which savannah has pointed out and the thing is im sure savannah is like just concerned for me but it comes off as if she’s not supportive of the relationship at all and im worried that shes jealous idk i know there are a lot of people who like laurel bc uhhh theyre hot and incredible and smart and hilarious and. everything god theyre such gf material. im so alone rn no one will even fav mine tweets. im a huge fan of the improv comedy team at our school, they recently changed their name to princess wolfpipe which is objectively a bad name but before it was fellatio rodriguez yeah porn bots get at me, anyway they didnt like that it was like 5 whiteys with the name rodriguez attached to it which is fair like very woke very reed of you sure. hhhhhhhhhh i just remembered they read my anthro essay and like.,, had sex with me After that. god. hell. wow. i must not be that bad at essays after all even the ones i half-ass. chrome is underlining so many of the words in this post little do they know im a linguist and a literature major. anyway i think i could be drunk enough now to admit ive not eaten pussy in like a week and it is in fact wearing on me at this point like im literally that tweet about the person stirring som e mac n cheese and passing out but it’s been honestly a week if that they left on the 3rd right so ya 8 days. ok i feel less bad about that bc i also definitely hadnt **ten them **t like that day i dont think we had rly like giggly sex at their house i think the night before and i drove them to work early in the morning and theyre so nice to me they know to wake me up with kisses which is so important bc im so... im so fucked i like them so much but im also just a fucked up person and i dont deserve thme. i should get alcohol prescribed for me. for sleep. and social anxiety. made a tweet about it, deleted it. made a quesadille! ated it !, imagine if i didnt eat so much especially while drunk. my body wants me to be huge but i want to be dead i want to be nothing. words are so bad whoever invented words im sure theyre dead they shoul be revived and shot again. ok so im eve drunker now and i’d like to say i want to hear them come again honestly i want to literally put my tongue insid eof them and hear them say my name i want to hold the folds of skin around their hips i want to hear them gasp i want to taste them i want everything i want to stroke their hands and kiss their fingers and their forehead i miss them so much i hate being physically far from everyone i love i want to sleep in their bed i want to fall asleep with our arms wrapped around one another unless i have to turn away and they understand adrianne never understood. i want them i really hope they still like me it would be so fucking sad for the chemistry to only go this way likea reaction that only goes inreverse so we’re left in the end with these raw materials like. like oil and water that can never relaly combine? like two molecules that can only lie next to one another but will always spring apart. i love their house i love their housemates i love the way they offered to make a powerpoint about food waste i love their goat milk and asiago cheese and cabbage pancakes fried rice i love the face they make when i run my fingernails over their scalp i love their voice i love their favorite shirt because it’s several sizes too big and all their clothes are black im not as much of who i am as they are and im not sure i ever will be because it’s willpower and money and i need to find other things in my life to want other than people who will always leave because literature tells us desire is always more than we think it will be and we will always be creating these overexaggerated versions of what ife will really be i need to finish proust i need to make somebody come i need to see their mouth open i need to kiss them i need cherries and enchiladas i need the ants and fruit flies to get the hell out of my house i need more alcohol and higher blood pressure and to divorce my family. how long does it take to be disowned. do i owe it to the people around me . i want kiss i want the moment when they came into my house on their fucking??? lunch break to kiss me and say yeah remember when kim kardashian posted a selfie and kanye west said hey im coming home now. and they pushed me up against the wall and their fucking fingers, i got my vibrator out afterwards and ive had to use it a few times since just thinking of us and the dream their housemate had where they came in and said hey stop having such loud sex even though it was really okay god almighty we should have louder sex this post is paragraphs long and it’s probably all my thoughts but im gonna keep going because i think about their fingers and their skin and mouth and voice and freckles theres no way they think about me this much im fucking pathetic i should probably kill msefl no one thinks about anything this much. but then again i guess i don’t it’s just condensed i have other things to do just what do i Enjoy thinking about it’s fucking being gay and tlaking to them listening to their music hearing them talk about having to lie down because of a fiona apple song such a fucking mistake to get involved with me no im the fucking worst im that fucking crazy girlfriend who won’t let go from the moment you lead me on im ucking hooked it’s so pathetic im extremely drunk just as a disclaimer for anyone who finds this. thats probably enought.

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.