jokkaber

[jokkaber]

The tale of flass: this is a story I improvised on the spot when my friend asked me to tell her a story to cheer her up. I'm quite proud of it.

OK, so there's a frog.

And it's just hangin out, doing its thing, as frogs do.

And he decides "yo"

"yo i want to be higher up than I am currently able to access with my mainly aquatic body."

So what he does is he goes and talks to a duck, because he knows that ducks can fly.

And he goes up to a particularly glossy mallard and he's like

"ay bro, can you carry me up to the treetops?"

And the mallard(by the name of craigory) be like

"bruh sorry but idk if I can like carry you that high up I ain't no BOFP, man"

And our boi the frog (by the name of flass)

Be like

"ay bruh what's a BOFP"

And craigory, the sassy cunt that he is, looks him in the eye and says, I shit you not here, he straight up looks our boi flass right in the eye and he says

(Are you ready to hear what this sassy dick waffle says to our boi flass?)

This bitch no cap be like straight up

"bird of fuckin prey"

And see now flass, the tru gangsta that he is takes it on the head cus he ain't finna let this bitch be openly disrespectin him.

So flass says to craigory

"can you tell me where I can find a bird of fuckin prey then so that I can ask them to take me up to the treetops?"

Now craigory (WHAT a cunt this man is) looks at flass, this little frog in front of him and has the unmitigated fucking audacity to say to our boi flass

If a bird of fuckin prey sees you then it will surely eat you instantly. I caution you, sir, do not throw away your life"

And flass, the Absolute Don that he is, turns away from this lil bitch craigory and says "then I will die in the pursuit of fulfillment." and if that ain't the heaviest shit you've ever heard then bruh idek what to say to u, the dudes soul is dressed like an 80s action hero.

So flass hops away in slowmo and eats a fly midair just to flex.

And he hops away to find a lil sparrow. And the sparrow is just vibin and gettin straight blazed and flass hops up, takes a deep sniff and nods in approval for the kush was good and therefore the sparrow was surely a woman of taste and culture. And a sparrow of such taste and culture must surely be a sparrow of some great education.

Now our man Flass hops up to this sparrow and he says

"ay bruh, how's it hangin"

And the sparrow looks at her bead curtain and says "yeah bruh it's hangin good. I only put it up last week and it's already weathering rly nicely" and flass saw that it was so and he nodded in agreement.

Now flass sits his fine froggy ass down in front of this sparrow and he says

"bruh I wanna get up to the treetops bc I feel unfulfilled being confined to ground level. I asked that cunty dick weed craigory to take me up there but the pussy said he couldn't carry me and I'd need like a bird of fuckin prey so I thought of you. Your a bird of fuckin prey right? We eat the same things too so I thought you might be an absolute bro and carry me up to the treetop sometime"

Now this sparrow looks at flass and she sees that he rly means all he's saying and then she looks at herself, about the same size as him and she says to him "bruh sorry but im literally too small to carry your fine ass anywhere. You'd need something bigger than me like a crow"

Yh nah she ain't gonna be able to carry him up there. But what she does is she looks him in the eye and she says

"OK so like I know where you can find a crow who could take you up there but I'm pretty sure he's not gonna do it for free"

And Flass says to this sparrow (by the name of velvet)

"bro if I can pay I will. This is all I need to die happy"

So velvet looks at flass and she sees how his soul is dressed with the leather jacket and the stubble and guns and big sunglasses and she thinks woah this dude is a straight up 80s movie badass ain't nothing gonna change his mind so she says "bro just hang out with me till I'm sober then ill take you to the crow."

And flass says

"nah bruh I gotta get going. Gotta see them treetops"

And velvet says

"bro I have Mario kart"

And flass says

"bro I'm in"

So flass hangs out and chills with velvet and they smoke and play Mariokart and then he sleeps over. Then in the morning when they're both sober again velvets like

"OK bruh lets get you to that crow so we can talk to him"

So velvet takes flass to the recent corpse of a dead buffalo, where there's a crow scoffing down some meat and the crow looks around and sees them and clacks its beak menacingly.

Now both flass and velvet know that this crow with this clackety beak of his could easily kill both of them.

It is a truth of which they are both acutely aware.

So now this crow(by the name of glowstick) looks at these two lil Bois and thinks yo these 2 got something to say. So he says

"yo you 2 got something to say?"

So velvet gives flass a nudge to go talk to this dude so flass hops real cool up to velvet and he says

"OK bro so here's the deaio. Here's the sich. Here's the case file. The writing on the wall. The drink in the cup. The tea. I feel rly unfulfilled at fuckin ground lvl bc I can't get up these fuckin trees. So I went to that cunt graigory who sent me to this glorious bitch velvet who got me high then hung out with me till we were sober and then brought me here so I could talk to you so like could you just fly me up above them there treetops real quick? If I do then Im pretty sure i can die happy"

Right so glowstick looks this absolute Chad up and down and thinks for a moment and says

"OK so ill be willing to fly you up there and carry you around for a bit but it'll cost ya"

And flass takes a step forward, looks glowstick in the eye and says "whatever your price is bro I'll pay it"

Now seeing that flass isn't gonna be shaken easily he sits down on the carcass, fixes this fine-ass froggy fella with one eye, clacks his beak a couple more times and leans forward:

"I'll take you up there and I'll fly you around for a while until sundown. But once night falls I get to eat you"

Now flass obviously isn't too keen on this deal but the way he sees it it's the best deal he's gonna get cus he really needs to get up there into the sky. So he hops back over to velvet and hugs her.

"bro you've been a good friend so far. You wanna come hang out until sunset?"

So velvet hugs him back bc this is her bro and he's gonna go live his dream until he dies so she's like

"yeah bro ill come hang out till sunset but I'm not gonna stick around to watch you get eaten ok?"

And flass is like

"cool, I'm good with that"

So now he hops back over to glowstick who's taking this completely serious. He's gonna hold up his end of the bargain and he's gonna earn that muthafuckin meal. So he holds oup his claws and grabs flass and spreads his wings

And takes flight.

Now remember, flass is fully used to jumping high and far but the experience of going up and staying up is completely new to him. Glowstick claws are carefully but firmly holding him so that he doesn't slip or fall and get hurt. He sees the tops of the trees and the blue sky with the sun overhead and he spreads his arms like wings and laughs, pretending he himself is flying.

As the day wears on the joy doesn't lessen until the sun dips to the horizon. Glowstick takes flass to the top of a tree to watch the sunset and velvet lands next to them and they all huddle together in the final moments of daylight.

When the sun is gone velvet turns to flass and bumps his head, tenderly, with hers. He, of course returns the gesture to the truest friend he's known in his short life before she turns and flits away.

Now flass turns to glowstick and says

"bro. Thank you for bringing me up here. I was right, having experienced the freedom and joy of living my dream and flying I can say truthfully that dying now wont be so bad. I've just got one last request bro. Make it quick. I wanna go out on a high note."

Glowstick nods his head at this brave lil frog and says

"lil bruh you've earned my respect with your courage. I'm still gonna eat you because that's nature and also the terms of our deal but I will give you the death you want.

And I will tell your story to everyone I meet who needs to hear it,and I will tell them to pass it on so that, even after you die here, your legacy and your 80s action hero soul will live on forever."

So flass stands proud and strong and closes his eyes and remembers how it felt to fly, to rush through the air and to go up and stay up. He remembers the feeling of watching a sunset with his best friend. He remembers all this and more and he finds that he is smiling. He settles into this warm bliss and breathes in.

In the days, months, weeks and years that follow this day the tale of flass and his courage and dedication to fulfillment even in the face of his death spread through the forest to the rivers, the plains, the seas and all the way to other, much different forests across those seas. Faithfully told by velvet and glowstick and embellished from there with each telling until those who told it and heard it almost felt that warm bliss, that feeling of unbridled joy at finding your dream has become reality. They could swear they see, in the corner of their eye if they have one, a faint smile. Like one you might find on the face of a particularly happy frog who had just watched his first and last sunset with his best friend and the crow who had made this possible. And his legacy inspires hundreds of thousands of creatures to follow their dreams however small.

Somewhere, thanks to the story of flass, a primate is tending to a small piece of burning wood, Feeding it dry leaves and twigs to keep it alight, in hopes of warming a cave so that it and its family may not just survive, but be comfortable through the next winter and many after.

the little dude brought a wave of joy across the world. He triggered the discovery of fire. He taught glowstick about nobility in the face of death. He lives on in the stories told of him and the dreams realised in his memory.

As long as there is someone or something pursuing a dream then flass will never be dead.

[jokkaber]

Super Smash Bros moves performed by Marvel stuntmen

[jokkaber]

Abdominal snowman

[jokkaber]

I burped and i stillw anna cry but like

Slightly less.

Still rly wanna cry tho

[jokkaber]

Dude i love my friends so fucking much

[jokkaber]

Minimum wage is no fucking way to live i actually want to CRYYY but my stupid fucking BRAIN wont LET ME so i worked OUT and now im ACHING and im a LITTLE less tense but i still wanna fucking CRYYY AAAAAAGGHAGAHHAGH FUCK

[jokkaber]

Son, I need more iron in my diet. Go buy me some ball bearings.

[jokkaber]

Working as a pot-wash without gloves really helps you to find your old scars

[jokkaber]

I'm home alone today and yall know EXACTLY that the fuck is going on

I can have a shower without locking the bathroom door.

Freedom in it's highest and most pure form

[jokkaber]

Beauty

–

based on these passages from the odyssey and the aeneid (and i think it might have happened in the iliad too, though i can’t remember where):

athena and aphrodite know EXACTLY what matters and that is HEROIC BIMBOFICATION!

[jokkaber]

My reaction whenever anyone compliments me is an either whispered or internal, depending on if anyone is there who could hear me, "shitshitshithsitshit".

When someone tells me they like/have a crush on me it's "ffffuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk"

If that person goes on to tell me why they like me it becomes "ffuucckkffuucckkffuucckk"

[jokkaber]

Or its a magic baloon

[jokkaber]

Multiple pottles of cold lemon sweet tea on the outside, a velociraptor in a top hat and monocle riding a penny-farthing on the inside. Pretty accurate

your tumblr avatar is who you are on the outside, and your discord avatar is your true self

[jokkaber]

witches and cowboys are the same entity but just separated at night and day.

[jokkaber]

Wales needs more of these

I just found out the offspring of a goat and sheep is called a GEEP and they’re the cutest lil shits ever I want 200 of them

[jokkaber]

The good stuff

the cha cha slide in full metal armor

[jokkaber]

I just think it’d be funny if Tony, having arrived back to Earth after Months And Months of starvation and hopeless floating through the abyss of space, is like half-carried off the ship and then just spots the Avengers and cannot HELP himself from wasting precious oxygen making some DUMB BITCH joke. Like Steve was gonna go in for the hug and everything, people around getting teary, Tony looks him in the eye and looks around at the ruins of the world n just says ‘at least my ass still fat tho’ and then passes the FUCK out