#b/c i'm still not sure i'm going to go that route

[tblsomedoodles]

Ok I am for real falling in love with Clara. Like... sad that she'd die before Donnie but also... what if Leo did try to hide it but Donnie figured it out himself because A) he knows his twin and knows when he's hiding something and B) he never actually got rid of/lost that old dream catcher. Does it hurt that Leo didn't tell him? Yes!

I mean, i could definitely see Donnie figuring it out, but probably not until pretty late. Like maybe when they're already away on that mission.

B/c one of the several reasons Leo wouldn't tell him, is because he knows Donnie would try to save her. He's been trying to subvert visions for a while, though usually through covert, tricky ways, but has never been able to accomplish much past changing little things. Leo knows this isn't something Donnie would be able to change, and that it would end much like how Leo's attempt to save Raph did, with extra casualties.

If Donnie knew, he would not just sit around and let it happen. Nor would he let Leo take him away on that mission in the first place. So Donnie can't know before they leave, or else he just wouldn't go.

as for why Donnie wouldn't figure it out. He trusts Leo to tell him the very important visions like that. And Leo always has, up until this one. It's just this one he never shared with Donnie.

And yeah, Leo's acting pretty shady before they leave, but Donnie can pass that off as their mission is going to get complicated or something like that. Also like, just part denial i guess. Clara's his daughter. She's the one thing (along with CJ) that he's certain he can't loose.

So if Donnie ever figured it out before it could happen, it would have to be while he was on that mission. Maybe he realizes said mission is going smoothly and that his brother seems to be dreading every communication they get from base. and he just starts putting two and two together.

I know that's not exactly what you were talking about, but honestly, if Donnie knew ahead of time, there would be nothing stopping him from interfering in it besides Leo physically knocking him unconscious.

Thank you!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

truly thinking of like Just Being Yourself as a supposed matter of being More spontaneous and not being caught up in your own head about it or whatever, but then the nd perspective (and really potentially anyone who’s Being Themself isn’t sufficiently of the “normal”) wherein it’s like, the more everyday / usual approach is of course to filter oneself / mask, but you don’t even know that until you learn of it and then like, think through it re: yourself, and then doing Less of that and figuring out what you do when you’re not masking Is like, added effort and a conscious process. and how things can involve not just tamping down xyz but adding in various behaviors for others’ sake, or just that like, things you haven’t Yet tamped down at all b/c you think they’re things you’re doing Right or Have To Do / i.e. would be covered under masking anyways if you didn’t do them “enough” already, but then it’s like, maybe this is generally a waste of my energy at best if not also effectively punished lmao and even if i’d “naturally” do it, again it can be matter of consciously Choosing not to, not b/c it’s not being yourself, but just b/c of using that awareness to like, i’m not going to do that in the majority of situations but i know it’s because of other people’s nonsense. that’s me and like, [talking] lately lol

and certainly it’s like. oh haven’t found yourself in time for college, better go to a house party or something elevated and conveniently more interesting to look at than a scene in a high school hallway, y.a. protagonist, and follow your increasing rate of impulsive decisions to the core of Your Truth like a geiger counter lmao, quick....i mean not like anyone has to have their life figured out by eighteen b/c that’s just not how it works anyways, or like you either have your secret realest self under lock and key to just be let out eventually here or like yeah better find it on one especial occasion, and that occasion should be about cutting loose & shit, like oh well if you just max out the volume on everything you’re feeling by elevating it all enough you’ll overhear your realest self and everyone who matters will be like oh hell yeah, in recognition of the authenticity of that drama lol....like oh believe me my Real Self has spontaneity and vivacity and passion and elevation, of the kind nt people will like, only ascribe and relate to a context of romance or some shit, like that’s a wednesday maybe b/c of having fun with xyz, couldn’t be me but i guess have fun with when like, people just like don’t have the humor or theatricality (or ability to have exchanges with other people that aren’t competitions / an issued challenge or threat) where it’s like oh someone could only be being fun or playful or energetic if they’re a bit fucked up actually, i.e. drunk surely. like well no that can just be personality & choices, including being what you think is a bit fucked up b/c being nd is surely incorrect & certainly abnormal, which is incorrect, so same difference....but anyways it can be its own choice all the time to actually share all those supposedly properly Elevated [being oneself] properties around anyone else, and even then of course it’s like, results vary with who likes it vs thinks it’s clearly doing too much / nobody doing that could Really be being themself, bring out that normaller you who must exist, or it can maybe be entertaining so long as you just do it on your own and nobody has to figure out how to have an interaction about it b/c [the concept of how to interact w/other ppl on their terms???]

honorary addendum for truly how “performative” might generally be used in some negative context but it’s like, we are all performing every day lol, congrats to the people who again think oh i’m Just being Normal, you just learned that particular performance and don’t have to be conscious about what you might be doing wrong or how to act differently b/c it wasn’t relevant for you to Have to....its being like more genuine than anything to of course be consciously performing in some way / to some degree while other people in turn consciously recognize this, vs when people think they’re being Genuine / Acting Natural but it’s just a particular performance they learned that they can’t even switch out of b/c they don’t know it’s a performance and/or can’t/won’t acknowledge there’s other modes of expression/communication that are no less real, performance has its purposes and it’s not all like well people are just trying to Trick you into thinking that’s how they really are / the only way they can be; how can anyone Really act like that, any affectation should be dropped, can’t believe everyone isn’t Just Being Normal as hard as i am, b/c i get to encounter all these other people who Get Me and/or i sure don’t encounter obstacles / pushback over what seems to be nothing / my just behaving naturally and neutrally, so i must be the expert on the rightest way to be, f for everyone who’s clearly like being too weird or rude or thoughtless and etc

[waterbearable]

as much as i love writing it does mean that i must regularly wrangle the pleasure center in my brain into submission. no you cannot go back to coding because you still have some routes to finish even though i knowwwww you are dying to see how variations work outside of your word processor. yes i know that you keep coming up with exciting ideas that you want to flesh out but you have to finish writing the scenes that will get you there. blease.

[arimiaromage]

Strange house - DGM doujin fangame guide book scans

so in January I found a physical copy of a 2010 d.gray-man doujin visual novel called Strange house by the doujin group MOONLIGHT CAFE. the game is a romance visual novel where you play as Lavi and can date Kanda while out on a mission with him to, you guessed it, a strange house.

the game is completely in Japanese and almost all mention of it online has gone away as it's a 14 year old game, so suffice to say finding anything about this game has been difficult. it won't be a complete mystery now though as I have the game and the guide book!

so... let's look inside this guide book!

before we crack it open, here's the scans of the DVD cover slip. the outside is similar to the guide book (see above) but the inside is an adorable collection of chibis.

now let's look at the guide book! all of these scans are at a high dpi so open them up in a new tab if you'd like to see them up close. also, most of this is in Japanese and I won't be able to translate a majority of it. if you'd like to translate it, please feel free to and add it to the post!

D.Gray-man LaviYu Only

Windows only sound novel type adventure game

(side note- visual novels are usually called adventure games in Japan. sound novel is another term for them that was more popular to use years ago)

The next two pages go over the system menus- the main menu, the CG gallery (where you can view cut scene artwork), in game menu, save & load, and the options menus.

Now that we've gone over the system, it's on to the character bios! Lavi is up first as he's the player character followed by Kanda and the finder Doma.

(somehow Kanda ends up in a bridal gown in this game)

(she has doll arms and legs? it says she's the other guy's sister)

(I have no clue what her name is suppose to be. Yuno Moreta? Yunoo Moreeta?? I'm guessing it's trying to be like Yu Kanda??? Allen's bio here mentions him being the 14th and that he doesn't appear much as he wasn't assigned to this mission)

(Lenalee's basically says that she's an exorcist and Komui's younger sister, but mentions that she might be seen on the mission in front of Lavi? the guy on the right was apparently meant to be something like a love rival in the MVP [think beta build] for the game)

after the character bios is the route guides!

while not every visual novel has choices or multiple endings, visual novels that do have multiple endings refer to them as "routes" or "scenarios", i.e. the series of choices you make to reach each ending. this game has 4 routes, each with a different artist.

scenario A is called Dolly and written by 響夜 and illustrated by Guriko.

scenario B is called Coming Home and written by 響夜 and illustrated by Seiko and others.

scenario C is.... something about a bracelet? it's written by 秋吉 and illustrated by Bonnu.

scenario D is called lonely travels / loneliness while traveling and is written by 木花 and illustrated by ネコ科ノコ.

to be honest this is a lot more than I was expecting! we're already at 7 team members and haven't touched the programming or music aspects. I also have no clue how long this game is - there's only a few choices listed here to get each route so each ending could be 5k words (short) or over 50k words (long).

now onto staff!

sadly, I won't be able to translate these as it's a majority kanji, but here they are.

and that's it! there's a lot of cute art here that I hope will be saved on the internet now that the sites for MOONLIGHT CAFE's games are mostly defunct.

personally as a visual novel developer I find it amazing that they were able to not only make such a good looking fan visual novel in 2010 with multiple endings but to get so many people on board and make it all work out. and then to make a physical release of it! (side note- I'm still unsure what engine this was made in! I'm thinking kirikiri but I'm not sure)

I have the game set up and am able to play it, so at some point I'll share some footage of it on this tag on my blog. I'm hesitant to put the exe online as this was a paid game at one point and the doujin circle seems to be disbanded, but I might if there's interest (is this considered a no-no for doujins? I'm unfamiliar on etiquette for doujins, so some advice on that would be appreciated if you have any)

[imperatorcaesaraugustus]

you know what time it is! it's the long-awaited (?) return of Thought D: Thoughts on Hot D, where i tell everyone what's going through my head immediately after watching House of the Dragon.

season 2, episode 1

love the new intro. much better than the season 1 intro

there's no Daeron (Viserys and Allicent's third son in the books, who was being fostered by his great uncle in Oldtown). this is a massive disappointment for me, and i have little hopes of it being rectified

it would have been nice to see more of Cregan Stark and anything at all of Jayne Arryn. really expected Jace to spend more time in the north than that. still, liked what i saw. love that they mentioned how the dragons refused to cross the wall

good to know that criston cole is still... performing his duties

Alyn of Hull!

was that Hugh Hammer in the throne room? what the hell is he doing in King's Landing?

it seems incredibly risky for Rhaenyra to be flying unaccompanied in the stormlands after they've declared for Aegon

Larys' motives are a complete mystery to me right now, which is very book-accurate

those balls in the small council room have been nothing but a liability. no wonder they're not there by the time Game of Thrones happens

i was not expecting to see Mysaria or her Accent this episode, but i'm glad we did because i like Mysaria and her Accent

more of the runtime was Blood and Cheese than i was expecting

(for those unfamiliar with Fire and Blood - which, to be clear, is entirely reasonable - the killing of Jahaerys in the books is done by a butcher and a rat catcher. their names are unknown, so the book refers to them as Blood and Cheese. no names were given in the show, so i will also refer to them as such)

changing the intended target to Aemond (it was always supposed to be one of Aegon's sons in the book) is interesting. it makes Daemon a less detestable character (which was certainly unintentional, given what i've heard about the showrunner's opinions on Daemon), but gives a weird amount of agency to Blood and Cheese

"they have different rat catchers for upstairs" what is this? why is this? what are you on about?

surely they did not have to walk directly across the throne room. surely there was another route

this assassination is such a clusterfuck

i didn't realize until now that Aegon doesn't have a younger son in the show like he does in the book

in the book, Helena is forced to choose which of her sons - Jahaerys or Maegor(?) - gets killed. she chooses Maegor, so they kill Jahaerys. changing that so instead they can't differentiate Jahaerys and Jahaera definitely makes them less cartoonishly evil and more weirdly hapless

actually this whole Blood and Cheese thing is weirdly hapless from start to end

can't believe she just walks in on criston fucking Allicent. surely they would have taken any amount of precaution to prevent people from doing that

so, when Allicent is in the sept, she says three names as she lights the candles: Alerie Florent, Viserys Targaryen, Lucerys Velaryon. now, i am more likely than most people to recognize an obscure Ice and Fire name drop, but i do not know who the fuck Alerie Florent is. based on the fact that she is a) apparently dead, b) presumably important to Allicent, and c) from a major house of the Reach, i assume she's Allicent's mother, but i don't recall that name ever having been given before now

anyway, i'm still enjoying the show and can't wait for next week

[knockyasocksoff2022]

ADA Member -> PM Deal Fic Poll

Please reblog for a larger sample size.

I already wrote about Tanizaki Port Mafia AU (where he decided to join on his own), so besides him, who should I write about? I'm talking about being selected for the transfer, not voluntarily joining. (Excluding Yosano, ofc as well as Kenji, and Kyouka b/c just nO!)

Might include ships, but might not depending on the person.

Here are some ways I think each member could be good in the PM:

FUKUZAWA

no extra training required

knows Mori

is at least somewhat familiar with Yokohama's underground

canonically has bloodlust

and only stopped killing because he knew it was BaD

people would be AFRAID

Kunikida and/or Ranpo could take over the ADA

it’s really interesting b/c if he goes Ranpo might follow

and then where would the ADA be?

The fic would prob be tortured Fukumori

slowburn (idk how good I am at writing slow burn but we'll see . . .)

The rekindling of old failed toxic love that was killed before it could really get anywhere or see if it could bloom into something pure

now they have to figure it out in their new circumstances

and if it even can work

but first, they'll have to admit that there's still even the faintest hint of something there

and even then Mori will have to WORK for Fukuzawa's love (don't worry)

KUNIKIDA

organised and efficient so he could easily manage trading operations domestically and overseas

smart even if we may not see a lot b/c of dazai and Ranpo

could probably pick up languages easily

I think he'd be great at undercover work since he's actually capable of being subtle

and he is used to being around *normal* people more and has better social skills

I also feel like he's the type who he can look totally different with a different hair style (or colour) or even if he just takes off his glasses or doesn't wear his little vest or something

and his ideals don't align exactly with the law, only what he thinks is right

he’s willing to do what is necessary to get the job done

if joining the pm and controlling Yokohama’s underworld means less crime and violence overall then he’ll do it

I still think he wouldn’t kill but

he'd prob be really good at interrogation and combat missions that didn't involve killing (like theft or kidnapping for information/money or something)

I don't think he'd be the perfect fit but if they warped or broke him enough he could be absolutely terrifying in the mafia

No ships

Kuni has way higher standards (58 criteria to be precise) and these FREAKS meet none of them

A fic with him would probably be hella angst.

I'm not sure I have a very good grasp of his character yet, so out of all the options, I'm least enthusiastic about writing for him.

Also, I'm already doing a Hunting Dogs AU for him.

ATSUSHI

obviously, his ability

it's the full deal: strength, speed, agility, regeneration

the perfect partner for sskk

the thing last Mori needs for his SKK 2.0

his combat skills are a little haphazard (relying on brute force mostly) 

but Kunikida has been tearing him in martial arts a little 

even though they have hardly any time with all the CHAOS

you're prob thinking "NO WAY! He literally says he needs to save people to live! That's like his whole thing!"

you're right

but if Mori or the other executives warped him, I think b/c he's so insecure, they could convince him

(kind of like they did Kyouka, only her will is stronger than Atsushi's)

that violence and destruction and killing are his purpose and what he was born for.

But, I doubt Mori would go the route of telling him it's all he's good for and that if he doesn't do it, he's good for nothing again.

He knows it didn't work the first time and it's too easy to reverse, especially since Atsushi has already been with the ADA.

I think Mori would set about convincing him that he deserves to let his anger out for all the world has done to him

that the world is his enemy and that he should punish it

that people deserve his wrath for allowing a society where he could be treated the way he has been to exist

Prob slow burn eventual SSKK

on this blog, we say Aku is just fine, perfectly okay, and doing well

They're still going to fight like angry cats

Aku will prob realise his feelings when he finds himself missing Atsushi's old personality

idk

meanwhile, Atsushi is just drowning in the brainwashing

the "bliss" of anger and he's too unaware even to fight it

still, SSKK become partners

and knowing them, it's to the point where only they don't know they are together

them "not-dating" will prob be like their messed up therapy and break Atsushi's trance or smth

maybe they hide the fact that he's not mind-controlled or whatever form Mori

Atsushi might still decide to stay just to keep any other agency members from being transferred

and who knows he may even learn to like it

idk

I haven't thought too far ahead yet

it's too late and I should be in bed but

ANYWAYS here you go!

NAOMI

I know I said I wouldn't do Junichirou

but if you're getting one, you're getting both

They’re a package deal

(Mori might take her just to get Junichirou because he knows they won't leave each other and then he'll end up using Naomi's skills as well)

and what's not to love

besides Jun's crazy killer skills

Noami is smart, savage and a little cruel (how she treats Jun when he's seasick) and unhinged

(thinking of the time she suggested Atsushi do sexual stuff for his entrance exam)

not to mention Dazai tutors her

If you can't have Dazai, why not have his student?

(I swear that's canon, correct me if I'm wrong though)

she has the potential to be heartless, sadistic, and terrifying

She also likes to see people (Junichirou, at least) squirm and be uncomfortable or suffer to some extent.

idk

maybe that’s just their dYnAmIc though

(thinking again of how she treats him when he says no to her and is clearly uncomfortable. Also when she talks loudly and obviously about sexual stuff in front of others.

I’m not sure if it’s intentional or if she really is that insensitive or unaware of how it makes others feel

I suspect the former

this would be a DARK fic

she'd have her villain/corruption arc (YASS, slay Queen)

maybe if I focus on her story more it won't seem TOO repetitive from my Tachizaki mafia fic.

Idk

what the people want, the people get

but we just know sooo painful little about her (aside from her in relation to Jun since their *thing* is kind of her whole personality *cringe*)

unlike some I still like her

If I did there would be no ships

idk even know who to ship her with from the mafia

or maybe I’d be BOLD and go for the ewwie incest

idk

if not then prob very background Tachizaki

Again, please reblog for a larger sample size.

[notbecauseofvictories]

Halloween Week of Horror (Games)

It’s that most horrible time of year, and I've decided to explore the spooky world of text-based games. My list of games is cribbed from this post and this post.

GAMEIFY HORROR // DAY 1 // DAY 2

DAY 3: singing from the far side of the hill, leave house, contrition, familiar, jagged bone

singing from the far side of the hill

about a trans woman, homeless after a bad breakup, who rents a stranger’s spare room. it’s a decision she comes to regret.

Yet another game with no images, just red-and-white text, that nevertheless managed to be hyper-realized---I could practically see the slightly shabby, nevertheless neatly kept house, the old-fashioned door, the disconnected telephone, the medicine cabinet stuffed with empty pill bottles. I loved that it ended with the protagonist running from the law who won’t understand, something she can’t even properly explain.

Also, (spoilers!) the image of Kathleen deepthroating the doorknob---which is perhaps the closest she can get to abusing her beleaguered daughter, who did not want to be a son---will stay with me a long, long time.

SPOOKY LEVEL: 5/10, it trips into the bizarre and surreal and horrific, but isn't particularly frightening

OVERALL GRADE: B+

leave house

leave house

Unfortunately, I had to give up on this one. A very cool concept—you enter an empty, abandoned house, poke around----but after 5 minutes stuck on the stairs with no clear route forward, I gave up. In theory I approve? A haunted house you are literally trapped in, running up and down stairs, trying to escape the loop, is a cool concept. In actuality, it felt frustrating and sudden and somehow still muted.

SPOOKY LEVEL: 0/10

OVERALL GRADE: C

contrition

As a priest, it’s your job to listen to your parishioners’ darkest secrets and absolve their guilt. But when a sinister stranger comes to the confessional one Halloween night, you realize it’s your soul on the line.

I'm sure everyone reading this will be shocked to learn that nothing gets me where I live quite like the nexus of Catholicism and horror---and this game exploited that mercilessly. Is the stranger who turns up in the confessional an infernal agent? Is he the devil himself? Or is he just a malicious sort of manipulator, quintessentially human, hiding behind the confessional screen?

(Are you saved? Are you damned? Will you ever know?)

Since I'm the target audience for this kind of story, it landed beautifully. I do think that nature of the sin shared was something of a misstep---though the way the priest reacts, how he covers up the sin once discovered and the harm he does to protect himself, was much more compelling. Also, I liked the ambient noises, and thought they were well-utilized.

SPOOKY LEVEL: 3/10, uncanny but not horrific

OVERALL GRADE: A-

familiar

You are a familiar. Your mistress has some requests for you. Help her complete her ritual, or pay the price of failure.

This game is simple, even straightforward: fetch what your witch-mistress asks of you, even if it requires violence. It's an interesting premise, with lots of room to sprawl out, and the places/people you encounter---the sleeping town, the lovers in the restless woods, the old woman on the mountain---are lovely to imagine.

That said, it felt underdeveloped. An intriguing concept and a couple different paths, but largely static; not as immersive as I wanted the game to be. I did like that, if you refuse to bring the witch what she asks for, the story ends with you ripping her heart, and gaining your freedom. A little touch of righteous violence.

SPOOKY LEVEL: 2/10, exclusively for the violence

OVERALL GRADE: B-

jagged bone

A branching choose-your-own-adventure horror game about transformation and perspective. 

I found this one a little difficult to immerse myself in; I made the mistake of choosing the wrong "path" from the outset, and so was on my back foot when it came to understanding what was going on. That said, I did genuinely like it—a mix of inexplicable horror, family, and house-as-locus that worked for me. I played through a couple different narratives (the game made it easy for that end) and all of them were horrible and effective, if not quite as incisive as I wanted.

(Though the monster at the heart of the story is deliciously imagined---say whatever you like, but I'm always weak for a fucked up deer.)

A very respectable effort, even if I wanted more from it.

SPOOKY LEVEL: 3/10, and then mostly for the scenes where you have to fight the monster you encounter

OVERALL GRADE: B

[runwayrunway]

Miss Conenginality, No. 1 - Boeing 377 Stratocruiser

Very recently I was asked what my favorite planes visually are, and I said that I would do a series of posts on the matter for each like the original post received. A lot of people close to me probably had an idea in mind as to what my first post would be, and I'm going to intentionally not give them what they expect.

Today's featured model is a blast from the past, the Boeing 377 Stratocruiser!

Image: San Diego Air & Space Museum Archives

Serving for just over a decade (1949-1963), the Stratocruiser was a member of that weird generation between the flying boat era and the introduction of turboprops and early jets, contemporary to the early Constellation models and the DC-6. For the day it was a pretty advanced design - it had to be, to compete with the two aforementioned giants. It had a pressurized cabin and impressive range but most notably it was a literal giant with its two passenger decks and triple-digit passenger of capacity, and was Pan Am's choice to replace the luxury overseas transport offered by their old Boeing 314 flying boats - they placed the most expensive order in history at the time, for 20 planes. In a very early example of the US government deciding Boeing was their favorite, mail routes flown by Stratocruisers were heavily subsidized for Pan Am and Northwest.

Sounds great! Only problem is that nobody can afford to operate it and the propellers fall off and overspeed whenever they feel like it. Nearly a quarter of the 56 examples built were destroyed in accidents and Boeing lost seven million dollars (in 1950s money).

But this blog isn't about those sorts of things. We Eat Babies Airlines can get a good rating if it has a good livery and the Christmas Bullet could get a feature if I liked how it looked. And can we talk about how the Stratocruiser looks like a plane dressed up as a blimp?

Those wings look way too skinny to lift her! Physics is truly incredible. Look how big those nacelles are compared to the wings! What is this thing! Image: San Diego Air & Space Museum Archives

How did we get here? Why did they design it to look like this? Well, it's actually a bit of a story. We did not start out here. We started out with the B-29 Superfortress, a decidedly normal-looking WWII-era bomber probably best known for the whole...nuclear bombs thing. We then added a second lobe (and some other modifications) for the C-97 Stratofreighter. And then the war ended and, as was not especially uncommon back then, the decision was made to develop an airliner variant of what had been a military cargo plane, and the Stratocruiser was born.

You can really see the transformation into an aerostat taking place.

I do think it really shows that this was a development of a more normal airframe, but I think that almost makes it even more charming. The Stratocruiser is a strange plane, a very large bumblebee made of metal and held together with dollar bills and chewing gum.

Image: William Simpson/US Coast Guard

Here's one being successfully ditched (as Pan Am flight 6), because why not!

And, thankfully, the world of aviation wasn't content to stop there. As aircraft grew in size and the space race began in earnest there arose a need for excessively large freighters. Today you may be familiar with the Airbus Beluga and Boeing Dreamlifter, but you may be a little less familiar with NASA's outsize cargo aircraft, used to carry full rocket stages. The only Stratocruiser-derived aircraft still in service: NASA's Aero Spacelines Super Guppy.

Yes, this feels like the end stage of the Stratocruiser's evolutionary line. This is correct. I love her, and I hope you all do too.

The Stratocruiser is a strange curiosity for sure, an odd-looking relic of a long-bygone era...and so irresistibly silly that I can't help but love it.

[sixzeroes]

(teaser) boundaries.

summary | love knows no bounds—but the truth is, love needs to learn when to not cross the boundary and when to just let go.

information | alpha!mark x beta!reader(f); friends-to-strangers?-to-friends-to-lovers, a/b/o au, tba; profanity, tba; 0.7k words for teaser.

status | still writing.

warning!! the actual fic is going to contain renhyuck (typical abo dynamic) and a hint of jeno x karina (both betas), so if you do not like it when idols are paired together, i suggest steering clear of this fic! thank u 🫶🫶 also, currently at ~5k words but i'm projecting this to be ard ~7k at most lol !

mark lee: You busy?

The next time you see Mark, it’s two days later on a Friday evening. 

“Hey, sorry for texting you so late.” His voice is warm, contrary to the cool autumn breeze. It’s nearing ten p.m. but annoyance is the last thing on your mind. “What were you up to?”

You stick your hands into your sweater pockets. “Nothing much. Doing some readings. You?” 

Mark brushes his bangs back. “A dinner party with the BCSA execs. I managed to leave before they headed out for round two at someone’s house.” 

“You didn’t feel like going?”

“Nah.” He shakes his head. “I’d rather be hanging out with you.”

Okay. You don’t ask about Renjun. 

Neither you nor Mark say anything for the first few minutes of the walk, simply following the main path on campus. It’s serene, with a few students here and there, and several raccoons hiding out near the garbage bins. The streetlights dimly illuminate the route but it’s enough to wade through the darkness. You can hear Mark humming the tune to a song you don’t know. 

“This reminds me of middle school,” says Mark. “I remember walking you home one night, after a bunch of us decided to go to the beach.” 

You remember as well. “Yeah, and then you ended up sleeping over because it was one in the morning.” A soft snort leaves your nose. “My dad was shocked to see you on the couch the next day.” 

Mark chuckles at the fond memory. “Are your parents well? I know our mothers contact each other from time to time, but I haven’t seen them in ages.” 

You lightly massage your nape. “They’re doing good, I guess. My mom’s still working as an anchor for CBC, but my dad switched companies recently. He’s working at some well-established realty firm now.” The two of you turn left. “How about yours?”

“Mm, they’re good too.” Mark grins. “They’re still working at the same law firm. I think they’re dead set on staying until their retirements.” 

“That’s cool,” is all you can think of. 

“Yeah. Hey, want some ice cream? My treat.”

You spot CCOMAZ, the reputable ice cream brand everyone is always raving about. The last time you had it was in first year and frankly, you don’t remember how it tasted. “Sure, but I can pay for my own.” 

Mark holds the door open for you. “It’s okay. My treat since you agreed to hangout with me at ten p.m.” 

Your lips quirk into a small smile. 

You end up getting the lavender honey flavour, while Mark goes for the caramel one. It’s a little pricey, considering it’s a small, family-owned brand, but it tastes good nonetheless. 

“Oh, I gotta go.” says Mark, reading a text from his phone. “Renjun forgot his keys and Chenle is at a retreat, so I need to let him in.” 

The omega is mentioned briefly but something in you churns. A thorn pricks the corner of your heart; feels like guilt, although you’re not sure why. It’s not like you have a crush on Mark or anything, so Renjun shouldn’t feel threatened. 

Whoa. You stop yourself for a second. What’s with the escalation?

“Y/N? You good?” 

You glance at Mark, whose face is painted with worry. You breathe out a response. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry, got a brain freeze. I’ll, uh, see you in CLST, I guess?” 

Mark frowns. “No, let me walk you home first.”

“But Renjun?” 

“Renjun can wait in the lobby,” he shrugs. 

You’re a little concerned at Mark’s comment but choose to not dwell on it. Instead, you jokingly push him towards the bus stops. “Just go, Mark. I live on campus, so I’ll be fine. You shouldn’t keep him waiting.” 

The frown never leaves Mark’s face, but he relents and nods. “I’ll see you on Monday, then. Get home safe. Text me when you’re home.” 

“Okay mom,” you tease. “Thanks for the ice cream!”

Mark beams from afar. The imagery blends in with the numerous memories you have of teenager Mark, dressed in his school uniform, bidding you goodbye after dropping you off at home. For the first time in years, you wonder what it would’ve been like if the two of you never grew apart.

please send an ask or comment if you’d like to be added to the tag list!

[gomzdrawfr]

Gomz rambles about something again so feel free to scroll pass :]

Recently had a video recommended to me on youtube and gave it a watch: how you play games is how you do everything so I wanted to give some thoughts after watching it

for starters, the video was pretty simple and straightforward and easy to watch, it got me thinking how true that statement is and I started reflecting a bit.

I rarely play games any more, simply because sometimes I couldn't bring in the time and commitment to games like I used to be, or that it feels like I'm completing tasks instead of enjoying the game (kind of what the original author felt)

That applies to some games I've played in the past, Minecraft, Valorant, Dont starve - when I play a game, I clock tf in LMAO I just tend to focus so much on it that everything else didn't matter. I guess irl this applies to me too, whenever I want to do something I make sure to put in 110% into it, very meticulous with completion and deadlines and ensuring the work I do are good quality, I spend time on researching every single questions or queries I have and yeah just, being into something. Though lately, I've dialled down a bit and take it easy (bcuz stress isn't fun)

Honestly, in another aspect, say Minecraft again, I used to be very active in a community, being the lead builder and just pumping out ideas and making builds after builds while still having fun, I loved brainstorming idea and vomit it out in blocks, being able to use part of my interest that are less relevant in my studies to something else, you know? but ever since the said community grew larger, I got overwhelmed and stepped away from the people. They're great friends, really, but sometimes it's a lot when a friend circle grows.

Reflecting this to irl, I tend to work in smaller groups and have a close-knit of friends instead of many friends. Better yet, working alone or just with another one person. It's easier to focus and manage things. Another takeaway would be, I guess, is the way I tend to walk away when things gets more than what I like, or can handle.

I used to be part of a group of friends online too, I liked what we had going, we were silly we were honi (lol) and things were more light-hearted. But as more and more people join, I started feeling overwhelm or a sense of disconnect. There's a lot going on, like a bouncing ball started yeeting against each surfaces at lighting speed and I can barely catch the ball kind of feeling.

I wouldn't say it's entirely their fault, it's mostly myself, which is more comfortable in controlled or slower pace(despite being hyper as well- brainrot goes brrrr). I guess what sucks the most is also watching a friend who liked hanging with another person that you don't really vibe with can be uh something(idk what or how to describe it, it's not jealousy either). The main issue is always around the aspect that I like person A, B, C and F, but not the rest of the bunch. Yes, I could bring it up, talk to them about it, and then highly possibly creating drama and beef with that process (relationships are so fragile). Knowing the people I was dealing with, I decided to just leave quietly (which, to no one's surprised, caused drama itself too - sigh)

I do miss them sometimes, the people I like talking to and be friends with, some of us kept the connection, some burn the bridge for good, some remains a mystery.

That brings me to another aspect in decision-making games, where I tend to walk the passive, most diplomatic route ever to finish the game. Well because irl I hate dealing with conflicts XD I also lean towards neutrality most of the time, unless it's something important then only I pick a side strongly. Using persuasion, communications and understanding, compromising and delegation to let a project or anything really(like relationship) run smoothly. Some of this cost my sanity, patiences and often, gaining less from the agreement lol

I stopped caring more than I do, I stopped trying to please everyone in the room after going through some stuff, and I learn to let go a lot of things because of those experiences, which for now feels like a good experience for me (Literally my page motto is my life motto, it is what it is)

This also made me think, that I am a person who likes to stay the same, more often than I'd like to admit. I mean this by saying like for example, no matter how many times I play Stardew Valley, I will follow a similar route. If irl, the mix rice shop I visit for almost 4 years now? I'll pick the same veggie and meat choices everytime I go there. I find comfort in repetition, I like following the same pattern, I enjoy being safe in a known routine.

If i want to ramble about this, I do like to change sometimes, explore different options, pick a different route etc. But, only if I finished the "foundation" first(both in game and irl)

So for example, stardew valley right? I tend to go min max route, getting my greenhouse and my plants, relationship, all those jazz to maximum first before I actually try something else. What's funny is the something else can be as small as picking a different spot to fish, wearing a different hat, try defeating the dungeon without espresso(that was awful) or romance other people(I still love Harvey more than anyone, sorry Sebastian, I do love the frog though)

Same with Minecraft, Im a builder yes, but I also grind a hell lot in the game, building industrial district and shit ton of farms to get whatever I need.

I think this is kinda reflected irl, where I like to have a strong stability of foundation before I try something different, something that is not part of the route Im used for. It's like once I am sure that our project presentation has the right amount of slides, informations and delivery, then only I try and test out animations, maybe some infographics and whatnot. Same with patient counselling, I usually follow a flow strictly in patient information gathering because that is what we were taught in University (name, age, height, weight, etc), but one time I decided to switch it up a bit to and try to make small talk in between info gathering (like when a patient tells me they're married, instead of moving on I congrats on their marriage instead) and has found it a nice experience and change of pace. You may find this a silly or heck, an obvious thing that I should've tried, but you need to understand every video, notes and lectures always follow a systematic manner with stuff like this. I've only started incorporating this style after being in the med course for like, 2 years, so when I transitioned to Pharmacy, it came naturally to me when it comes to building rapport with patients. The patients and lecturers love it, because the process can feel more like a conversation rather than an interrogation you know, it feels more lively, more empathy and whatnot. I hope to continue to improve on this actually, Im really happy that one of the change I made on an impulse stick through and benefitted my career.

Id say one bad thing with this habit (with how I approach change) is sometimes I miss out opportunities and again, missing out the fun. Heck, sometimes the process to finish the "foundation" itself feels like a chore that sucks out the fun from games. Like rn with tears of the kingdom(totk), I like collecting Light of Blessing to get more hearts and stamina, but god- totk is so much bigger now compared to the first one, and I got overwhelmed and stressful to play the game. So I dropped it on my previous semester break. (I wanna go back to it one day, hopefully)

This kind of also tie into something Im aware of, is that I get weary and overthink in the face of uncertainty. Like there are a lot of places in totk that I have yet to explore, because I have thoughts like

oh shit does this have important story plot? wait what if im suppose to go place A before going place B first? will it mess up the timeline? oh no that place is new what the heck let's just put a marker first-

you get the gist, same applies irl too. An invitation to quizzes, participating talk shows or experiments, most of which I usually don't attend in fear of my lack of skills or just, nervousness in new environment. There's always a lingering thought that I am not good enough to go to events that clearly, required skills and competence beyond what I have. Im no 4 flat student, hell my cgpa is shit lmfao, the only thing Im good at are soft skills and maybe level 1-2 clinical judgments. I still regret that one time I didn't join a community event where they've explored and talked about stem cells intervention, they had a whole freaking lab!! of cells!! like in the movies!!!!!!!!! ok anyways

Idk what im tryna say with this ramble, I just wanted to share and relate my experience to the video, maybe this is like a self reflection. I've been trying to be better at managing some of the issues I talked about, building confidence or maybe facing confrontations instead of dipping entirely.

If you read till here, thanks I guess! maybe you can relate to me or maybe you just wanna read my yaps, either way I appreciate it :D if you want to share your thoughts or experiences as well go ahead!

[smolsammichowo]

Theories I got on Q!Philzas current story/situation

1. He's still in that Birdhouse

A lot of people are worried saying "Oh he's gonna die from starvation or something" Well he first of all brought a little snack but also a STACK OF GOLDEN APPLES. Apples, especially 64 can last a very long time but given those are basically magical apples, given its been a week he's fine so far, but also if he runs out and has to get desprate, theres a shit ton of birds in there. If he really REALLY has to, theres those birds to eat in there as well (yea its messed up but survival in desprate situation can lead people do to messed up shit ) Hell he could even eat the paper of those books or whatever. Mentally will he be fine? He's already not so hell no, but he'll be fine food wise. Sanity is gonna be horrible of course. Besides people have been gone far longer than he currently has been , its only been a week so who knows how long he'll be gone for in the QSMP ;)

2. He went the route the eggs went that Forever said , Which is...

He escaped but ran away but at the same time is still looking for the eggs in his own way

So in the recent BBH stream, BBH did in fact use a codebreaker on Phil's chest, it revealed HIS BACKPACK WAS MISSING FROM THE LOCKED CHEST. Meaning

A. Federation took it and is going to use it for an Event or just has it for shits and giggles

B. PHIL ESCAPED , WENT BACK AND GRABBED IT BUT RAN OFF

Though you'd think he would leave a message, however at the same time given the federation does in fact has access to his base, they would know as well that he is gone from the birdhouse and would look for him. Meaning he could have secretly escaped , went back to his wall base, grabbed his bag and ran off because he realizes that Cucurucho is what the eggs more than likely ran from if they had ran and he is going far away looking for them . Besides, if I remember correctly , though I had not watched a lot of DSMP except for a few clips and summarys on what the lore was after it was almost over just to understand what it all was ( funny enough I really got invested the only time on DSMP of the Slimecicle and Quackity story ... and now look at whos smp Im really invested in lmao ) , Philza did Isolate himself far away from others in that server as well other than from technoblade.

3. He was moved from that Birdhouse and is being given the Baghara treatment (oh good lord anything but dadza :C )

For people unaware of what I am talking about , to put it shortly,

The federation themselves after breaking him down more mentally took him out of that birdhouse, put him into another place, and are currently experimenting on him and fucking him up even more .

Anyway these are all just theories I have on what could happen though these are just what I think, however other than the very first one I'm pretty sure these are all wrong.

Either way Im pretty excited to see what Phil and the qsmp has for us in store for the lore ( remembering his little "just you wait mate ;3 " when he was looking for sniffer eggs the other day responding to someones dono calling him the angst queen lmfao wHAT DO YOU HAVE PLANNED IM EXCITED ) Ive already loved the lore not just from Phil but from everyone on the server .

What do y'all think or what are some theorys y'all got?

[fireemblems24]

Azure Gleam Ch 12

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that this is, by far, my favorite route. Spoilers below.

MAIN STORY

I forgot we had Claude on our "side" here.

Oh, here comes Byleth. This is AG's chapter for Byleth, right? And ugh, this time I need to actually recruit Byleth or else someone I love will die bc someone from Faerghus will die.

Oh, there's Randolph. Ready to die again. I swear to God this man is allergic to life.

He's hiring Jeralt, so yeah, this is the recruit Byleth chapter.

Adrestian nobles are real peaches. They're burning villages and looting, or a good handful of them are. I swear they have the worst nobility. Only Faerghus Western lords rival them.

If Randolph dies, than Jeralt's contract is terminated. So that means I have to trade Randolph for Jeralt and Byleth? Deal.

Man, that mint hair is a CHOICE. Whyyyyy. The darker blue hair is much better.

I like Byleth more after Hopes. I liked Byleth before, but Hopes has helped me see the characterization easier. It also makes the whole "one man army"/Ashen Demon seem more real.

And yep here's the sword again from the other routes.

I'm just so happy they gave Felix the high ponytail look.

Time to make Adrestia sweat.

Jeralt scars the Blue Lions way more than Randolph.

Leave it to Sylvain to strategize. Haha, Rodrigue says Sylvain reminds him of his dad, Sylvain isn't sure if that's a compliment.

I love how much you can tell all these people have known each other for so long.

OMG, there's so many side battles.

ANNETTE & FELIX B

Weird to only give them on support and it's only B given how popular their ship is.

Another support about Annette's songs lol. They really increased that in this game, but it's adorable so I'm good.

Dorothea and the church are performing operas for Faerghus.

Annette's "opera" song is about taking a hot bath when she's already hot. Felix is impressed with her mental fortitude. Lol.

Annette's flustered because it's supposed to be serious, not about bathing lol.

They basically set up a date to go see an opera together.

YURI & SHEZ C

I saw this in another route already (but forgot), so I unlocked it here too! But not going to write about it twice.

YURI & SYLVAIN B

These two rooted out spies together. Well, mostly Yuri lol.

Yuri's impressed with Sylvain's layers.

Neither of them are going to let Dimitri know what they're up to until after it's done lol.

Yuri's earned Sylvain's trust, but still threatens Yuri if he switches sides.

Yuri calls Sylvain out for being super loyal, which, yes, he is and that's often so overlooked part of his character.

Wait . . . Sylvain hit on Yuri with a bad pickup line? Lamo.

Sylvain mistook Yuri for a girl. Yuri is going to blackmail Sylvain with his back pickup lines for life lamo.

Yuri's open to a date with Sylvain though. Sylvain is into Yuri's flirting.

That would be a nightmare couple.

MERCEDES & SHEZ A

Mercedes looks at the little things and it reminds her of what it was like before the war - like tea parties with Shez and kids determined to get stronger.

Mercedes hates the war and wishes she could go back to those days. Getting really sentimental.

Mercedes used to just accept whatever happened and didn't realize how much she valued the past until peace got destroyed.

I had Shez be nice and tell Mercie that it's ok to get sentimental.

Mercie was happy with that.

Shez says she's always there to listen to Mercedes if she needs it.

So Mercie's like, let's tea party now! She bought new ingredients.

DEDUE & FELIX B

Their only support

Ohhh, Dimitri's in it too. They're talking strategy. Dimitri wants a head-on approach, Felix wants a sneaky one, Dedue withholds his opinion.

Dimitri tells Felix to stop pestering Dedue lamo.

Dimitri wants to head the mission, but Felix is like no, let me. Strategy resolved and Felix confronts Dedue.

Dedue values Felix's input and recognizes his unique role with Dimitri.

Dedue just stays amused the whole time and doesn't let Felix get to him.

Felix will not spit it out that he's so worried about Dimitri.

Dimitri returns and is about to tell Dimitri what went on but Felix cuts him off, which I'm sure just amuses Dedue.

I love how it's pretty much cannon that the vast majority of the cast never take Felix seriously when he's spouting his tsundere.

INGRID & MARIANNE C

MY HORSE GIRLS GET A SUPPORT CHAIN!!!!

OMG I'm so happy with this.

Ingrid's worried because her horse didn't eat all the feed. Marianne recommends hay and explains why.

Ingrid is happy and compliments Marianne, who of course downplays it and tries to get out of Ingrid asking more questions (likely about horses).

Of course, later Marianne tells Ingrid her horse (or pegasus?) is probably scared after acting up after being on the battlefield the first time. Marianne goes full horse whisperer and fixes the problem.

Then leaks that she's talking to the horse lamo. Ingrid catches it. Ingrid thinks it's awesome though.

Ingrid tries to give Marianne confidence; it doesn't work.

As a fellow horse-girl, I love this.

DIMITRI & BERNADETTA A

Dimitri catches Bernadetta out again, and ofc she gets scared, but Dimitri just wants food bc he's working too hard and missed dinner.

Haha, Dimitri hates being shut in all the time.

Bernedetta thinks Dimitri's work is spying on her, but Dimitri assures her that's not it bc he has too much work to spy lamo.

Bernadetta is amazed at what Dimitri puts on his plate because it'll taste awful, but like he can tell :(

So they cook together. And she tries to cook something he likes, which is kind of sweet actually.

She got too flustered and messed up the dish. I know where this is going lol . . . Dimitri and his iron stomach.

Yep, she's shocked that Dimitri just . . . eats it.

Oh, God, she's going try it, but of course she hates it.

Bernedetta thinks he'll have her executed now, and Dimitri's like "do you seriously think I do that?"

So I guess this is his Hopes "Dimitri can't taste anything" support.

I love how he seems immune to Bernedetta's antics though. He just calmly explains that her fears aren't true and moves on.

SYLVAIN & IGNATZ B

Ignatz figured out a general time period that Sylvain's painting came from.

Oh, geeze, it's a color made from crushed gemstones? That must've been $$$$. Geeze.

Sylain was reading up on saints to get more info on the picture and might've figured out who it was. An archbishop (was it one of Rhea's fake personas?)

Ah, they think she looks like Rhea. So I'm right. Hahaha.

They're confused about that. Never in a million years . . . .

So this does confirm that Rhea just keeps faking her death.

I'm pleasantly surprised by this support. I love Sylvain, but Ignatz is . . . not interesting, but I like how it expanded on Sylvain's studious side, and he's an art fan! Now I like him even more.

ASHE & FLAYN C

Ashe is fishing to feed the army. Ashe, sweetie, one fish is . . . not going to make a difference.

Naturally, though, Flayn is very interested. Because fish.

Does Ashe place well in the fishing tournament in 3H? Would be interesting to see if the lore stayed the same about Ashe's skills.

Poor Flayn isn't allowed to fish bc Seteth gets too nervous with her around water, but Ashe lets her fish like she used to.

Honestly, Flayn looks too young for most of the guys, but she fits Ashe's look (and personality) really well.

Flayn almost catches a large fish but fails to catch it. B support will be about her catching it, I'm betting.

DEDUE & CATHERINE B

Catherine comments that Faerghus now trusts Dedue and Dimitri more. Dedue gives all credit to Dimitri, lamo.

Apparently people gave Dimitri crap for choosing Dedue over everyone else.

Catherine isn't religious either. But I thought Rhea was a tyrant who only allowed religious people near her??? /s

Neither Dimitri nor Rhea get too wrapped up in their own titles.

Both spend their free time helping people out.

Catherine is like, maybe Dimitri is rested by helping people out like that. Something Rhea, Dimitri, and Byleth have in common.

Catherine and Dedue think they could be friends, as long as Rhea and Dimitri stay on the same side.

DIMITRI & RODRIGUE A

Not ready for this, guys.

Dimitri wants to know how Rodrigue felt when Lambert died. :(

Rodrigue didn't believe it at first, but accepted reality eventually and remembered the promise he made.

Dimitri then asks what if he'd died in Duscur too?

Dimitri also thinks Rodrigue intended to die with Lambert, but Rodrigue confirms that he never wanted to die, but wouldn't mind dying to protect Dimitri/keep him in line.

(hahahah, no)

Dimitri says losing Rodrigue would be like losing another father :( confirmation that Rodrigue is like a father.

Rodrigue calls Dimitri out for not valuing his own life enough :( (or that he doesn't even value it at all :( ) saying that he's only following his king's example then.

And Dimitri's response is like, yeah, guess you're right, I have no excuse - probably . . . not what Rodrigue was looking for :(

He's like, yeah, that was probably too harsh, but thinks Dimitri sounded a lot like Lambert :(

Rodrigue always wanted to tell Lambert that.

Dimitri's emotional about sounding like his father :(

Sounds like Faerghus people are always telling each other not to throw their lives away.

Haha, Dimitri's like, I'm jealous of your bond with your friends, and Rodrigue implies that Felix wouldn't like hearing Dimitri imply he's not close with his, lamo. Rodrigue is such a dad to Felix, like that teasing king, which is just perfect for Felix being so prickly lamo.

MAP & SIDE BATTLES

Sylvain would rather turn enemies into allies than attack them. He's talking about Jeralt's mercenaries, but it's just more proof that he disliked resolving conflict with violence.

The common folk find Dimitri more approachable now. He's working on being more relaxed lol.

Dedue and Ashe talked about how Dimitri broke a pen during a war council. Shez suggests they name the pens so Dimitri's more attached to them and is less likely to break them. I cannot with these people. (also, can you imagine how put out Dimitri would be breaking a pen he named?) They also talk about how some people are scared of Dimitri because of his freakish strength :(

Seteth is impressed with Dimitri, who asks him about tactics a lot (which, side note, I'm so happy to see this game heap more praise on Dimitri, I get that AM's plot structure didn't really allow it as much, but it's nice to hear. Also, that it's Seteth is so cool, because he's by far one of the most wise characters).

Back to Seteth though, he explains he knows so much because he's studied this military genius Saint Cichol and really recommends his book. No bias at all there, guys.

And the saga of Balthus being obsessed with fighting Dimitri continues, lamo. (nobody blames you, Balthus, because, same, how can you not be a little obsessed with Dimitri's body after seeing it).

Mercedes and Constance were friends! That's cool. Also, not two braincells between them. (and I say that with affection)

I love how the game is going out of it's way now to show that Dimitri is asking for advice from experts, then making a decision based on what he's learned. His FEH support was about that, and I always liked that, so I like seeing him do it here.

Also, it seems I can't use Rodrigue again :( Actually, here's here for the side battles, so maybe I can?

MAIN BATTLE

OK, guys, time to get Byleth. Please let this be easy.

Someone very kindly wrote up a guide for me in a message. I never posted it so I could reference it, so let's hope I get it right the first time.

We're in the weird dimension with Arval, who's on high alert bc Byleth. But this time we recruit Byleth.

"Defeat Randolph" - Don't mind if I do!

Ok, so step 1 is selecting "Locate Ambushers." But I don't see that?

Kidding. I picked it.

I can't use Dimitri??? Oh, shit. He's BY FAR, my strongest unit. This is a shitty battle to lose him for. And Rodrigue. So I'm down 2 of my actually trained units. This sucks.

No Felix either?? This is really bullshit at this point. I basically only have Shez, Sylvain, Ingrid, Dedue, and Mercedes and Mercedes can't do shit, Dedue is also pretty awful, and Ingrid always dies. Ugh. This is going to be impossible. So basically just Shez and Sylvain.

Honestly, if this is too hard, I'm just going to let Byleth die because, to be honest, I'm really sick of playing this game. This route IS the only one I actually care about finishing though.

Ugh, I knew I'd hate this chapter, but taking away 3 units with no warning is just total bullshit.

Dimitri following me around is kinda cute though. And I forget how good Shez is. It's just, Dimitri's so strong I'm used to one-shotting at this point, lamo.

I also love how when Dimitri's a green unit, he's still fighting and not getting protected like the other 2. He's also . . . not someone I have to worry about dying. He's, uh, level 57 and suggested level is 44 so um.

Ok, so far so good. I got Fleche to show up, which is the next step. Now I just have to kill her quick.

Defeated Fleche. Now I need to see a command to defeat a dude, and a side command I ignore (guessing either defeat Byleth or Jeralt, the side one that I ignore).

So pretty sure I messed up and I need to "kill" all the mercenaries attacking the base BEFORE Fleche.

Ok, got Alois before he invaded. Just got Fleche. Pretty sure what's left is to not engage Byleth and rush kill Randolph.

Took Randolph out because I saved up all my warrior gauges.

OMG, I finished Randolph before the side mission was even announced lol.

I DID IT!!!! I got Byleth and Jeralt 😭

And I did it without Felix OR Dimitri 😭

So Jeralt surrendered after defeating everyone bc they decided to use logic and know they couldn't win. Plus, they want new clients.

Jeralt doesn't care about the conviction with the Empire, only coin. But he wants to avoid Rhea because of their past, but Dimitri sets conditions to make sure that Jeralt and co avoid her.

Guys, I can't believe I'm seeing the recruitment and not character death (I know it's Rodrigue, I couldn't let him die, no matter what)

I just saw the Byleth is playable card 😭

Guys, I saved Rodrigue.

Most of the Blue Lions are like, this is weird, but good. And they want to bond by sparing bc that's what the Blue Lions do lamo.

Shez ran off though. She's talking to Shez and figured that's best done not with people around.

Arval is way more chill about it than I thought.

Shez still has a goal though, to win the war and bring peace with Dimitri and co.

Getting ready to attack the monastery. Still kinda wish Claude was our enemy like the other 2 routes.

Everyone is standing by Dimitri.

Oh . . . Mercedes thinking about Death Knight? Betting she'll run into him soon. Can you recruit him in AG?

xxx

[himbeereule]

I want to like the demo but I think it needs some work. the intelligence director's introduction doesn't serve it's purpose, we learn nothing about the character and really have no interaction with them. They are just kinda there because you need to introduce a RO. At the house after being executed you go to talk to the people and it pretty confusing. You now get 3 ROs thrown at you without a proper introduction of the characters we learn nothing about them as characters. There is no clear explanation from the characters in that scene of what the situation is like, the need to evacuate, what forces they have available. No one asks how the MC is doing emotionally or physically not even the friend character. It just jumps to what do you want to name your army and all the people in it missing all the important humanizing moments. Also why are there cat ears in the clothing options I want to take the story seriously but I really can't with that

Okay, so... yes, of course it needs some work. That's what "Work in Progress" means.

Since you refer to them as "the Intelligence Director", I'm guessing you didn't get any of Yakov/Liliya's scenes, which... is an issue. As stated in both the release notes as well as in the posts leading up to the release post on this blog, this is the only route that's finished. Which means what's left is the strategic meeting scene, which, due to the other three's routes not being finished, is only like 15% done, and what's missing is precisely the characters' introductions.

So... not sure how to answer you. You're basically telling me "the things that are missing are still missing", which, yeah... I knew that. Everyone should know that, since it was announced multiple times.

Now, about the other things you mentioned:

Strategic situation: it's made clear that a) your own forces are very small, so you have to leave the Capital; b) this is possible, since the rebel forces in the suburbs are even smaller, and ill-equipped; and c) there's reinforcements waiting to link up with you outside. I don't really know what else you would need to know, and getting told in more detail wouldn't make sense story-wise, because all four characters have their own agendas. MC is not in control and holds no power at this point in the story.

Which brings me to the next issue: none of the characters has a reason to ask for MC's well-being. On the one hand they already know about MC's exact health situation - they were the ones who organized your rescue, after all, and you didn't magically recover, there must've been medical treatment organized by, well, guess who - and, on the other hand, apart from Yakov/Liliya (who isn't the type to show concern in a room full of people), none of the characters care about MC as a person at this point.

Cat ears in clothing options, well... I'll consider making a slimmed-down wardrobe selection for this specific scene instead of linking to the general wardrobe (though it might cause people to miss options), but I will not remove any of the silly stuff. Despite its serious themes, this is primarily a romance and dress-up game apart from the later strategy/army-building aspects, so it doesn't need to be that serious. I understand why people would misjudge that considering all the heavy stuff in the Prologue, but they'll have to adapt.

[horizon-forbidden-sheesh]

HFW: Realistic Gameplay

I'm not sure how many people do this, but I like to approach my HFW gameplay to make the experience as realistic as possible. Here are a few of the considerations I keep in mind while playing to ensure my timeline is accurate to the game's storyline. :)

[⚠️ Warning! Some light spoilers are referenced ahead.]

ON SLEEP:

How long can Aloy reasonably go without sleep? Maybe 48 hours, but the high-intensity work she does requires dexterity & focus, so her accuracy & analytical abilities diminish the longer she's awake.

When she's desperate, or thiiiiis close to her goals, she likely gets tunnel vision, and gameplay gets a bit sloppier. (ie. Latopolis 😬)

Plus, the world is way more DANGEROUS for people at night! Humans are not a naturally nocturnal species, even if Aloy's stealth approach excels in the cover of darkness. She's also probably a little ~off~ in her circadian rhythm because she's one of a very few future humans exposed to blue light, lol.

ON FOOD:

Let's assume she's fed when she stays at any given settlement, but out in the wilds, she should be eating every day.

This means with a small food pouch, she can really only be out in the wilds for ~3 days without having to hunt her own meals. (Which no doubt, she can do, but do your really think Aloy has the time or patience to be cooking while she's saving the literal world? Nah.)

ON TRAVEL:

Along the way, I have to ask myself: how much does the side quest matter? How time-sensitive is it? Is it already on her existing route?

I try to WALK through settlements to A) not appear insane, B) accurately simulate the time she would actually spend there.

Can she really sprint all day long?? In this house, we jog. ("most humans can store about 20 miles’ worth of glycogen in their muscles." - NYT)

I don't love riding machines unless it's a long distance or an urgent situation. (ie. Sprinting back to the Base from Tilda's house) The reason for this is because:

A) you alert literally every machine around you, and I prefer to play a stealth approach

B) Riding is associated with Rebel activity, so you'd likely meet resistance from Tenakth locals.

C) not every path is cut out for riding (ie. On Lowland paths, her steed is likely too heavy & might get mired in the swamp / Riding in the Desert during the day, the metal would burn the everliving sh*t out of her.)

ON WEATHER:

In the Desert, I try to sleep during the day & travel at night. It's way too hot to be out during the height of day—even if it's around late October when she's there.

A little rain never hurt anybody, but major storms require cover & a wait-out period. I once got stuck in Sky's Sentry for half a day while I waited for an AETHER-driven storm to die down.

In my gameplay, it's November when Aloy turns up in Sky Clan territory (Yosemite Valley) which means it's freezing at night!

ON TIME:

I track calendar days while I'm playing to make sure I'm within GAIA's estimated ~3 month climate collapse timeline estimate. (Note that she doesn't give this estimate until Aloy discovers the Base, a little over 1 month into gameplay.)

Aloy is probably stuck in Stone's Echo for ~2 weeks healing her ribs. "Most broken ribs heal on their own within six weeks" (Mayo Clinic) But there's no way Aloy has that kind of patience. PLUS I'd bet big money when GAIA made her, she was given some cool genetic boosts that make her heartier than most naturally-born humans. In my game, I took her on some pretty chill missions back to Chainscrape afterward to give her more time to heal.

The game is literally set up to have us experience the seasons as we navigate the world over ~4-6 months!! (ie. The trees are changing color in Chainscrape when we begin in early Autumn / The Riverhymn side quest tells us it's the first of the winter bloom / There is snow in Yosemite Valley.)

From Embassy to Singularity, my gameplay took 132 Days (~4 months). I still have some side quests & errands to finish up, so if you try and complete all tasks before the Singularity, you're probably looking at 5-6 months total.

Okay, that's all I can think of off the top of my noggin, but I'd really love to hear if anyone else has some rad realistic constraints they like to add to the game! :)

[regular-lord-reckoner]

hello.

just wanted to pop in for a minute because i said i would and then i didn't, so...here i am finally.

not much is really new, i guess, nothing all that good anyway.

i guess the one bit of good news is our "neighbors" R and C finally moved their camper back to where it was before this arrangement which is still in the same city just on an actual campground. That was at the beginning of this month so that's been nice.

again, nothing against them personally really, it's just...they were always right there, y'know?

especially it seemed every time i'd be at my wit's end for one reason or another and all i'm trying to do is get a package off the porch or let the dog out and then here's one of them just pulling up or C especially would get home from work and just...be in the yard until the sun went down.

and i'd have to just force a smile and act like i'm not completely losing my shit when all i wanted was just to go back inside so that was kinda rough, but it's over now so yay.

i won't complain too much because i know i did a lot of that before and i really don't mean to be so hard on them or on anyone, but it did feel at times like things just sort of crossed the line at least in my mind, but I feel like I can get over it easier now that they're not right there.

although I'm not as sure about R. I don't really know fully what's going on with her, but she's really made herself unpopular at work by the sounds of it and from what i gather it's because she's being rude to the patients and her coworkers.

like, i've heard several times now where something happened that's actually something she did wrong, but rather than just own the mistake and try to fix it she just...argues with whoever pointed it out to her until she gets all upset and goes crying into one of the managers offices and i dunno if it's because she's still trying to get them to just fire her or what, but like....they're not gonna, they don't want to pay her unemployment.

and i still stand by, hey, if that's the route you want to go about this, at least do it in a way that doesn't take out your shit on other people, especially ones who don't deserve it.

and what's really pissed me off is she actually checked in another family friend of ours who really wasn't feeling well (and even had to tell R that to try to get her to back off), but i guess she didn't recognize her even though they've met and for whatever reason she gave this friend that hardest fucking time for no goddamn reason.

like gaslighting her about what time she actually got there for her appointment and was telling her she wouldn't be seen even though she really wasn't even that late and then she even started being rude to one of the other patients standing there waiting and that friend had to come to their defense and it just makes me wonder like...how many other patients is this happening with?

again, just...hate it that you're unhappy here, genuinely sorry this job is giving you such a tough time, but i'm really just at a loss here because i've offered to help train her further, i've given her the names of people who could help further train her, i've given her some pointers and tips and i've also emphasized just how important it is for that job to be done correctly (especially as it affects my mom's schedule) and yet she still just shows up every day, half-asses it without accepting any help from anyone even when they offer, gets pissed off at everyone including the patients and then dips early to leave the other front desk person to be the last one out every day.

okay!!! i guess!!!

and it's also made me mad because she has talked some to that other front desk lady who's of course relayed this to my mom, but like...apparently R's version of events is that she's just go unhappy living down here and was happier where they were before and it's so sad because they did us this huge favor by coming down here to help take care of my dad and she just doesn't know what's happened now and blah blah blah, but by the sounds of it i guess this situation was really helpful to them financially which is great, but like............that was never the deal!!!

it also just kills me like, wait a minute......you guys VOLUNTEERED to help with my dad. we did not ask you. in fact, he wasn't really the biggest fan of the idea, nor was i. my mom wanted the help, though, so she agreed, but even she made it clear that they didn't have to do that because even she was on the fence about doing something that big.

we also had to work it out with the county and everything and they had told us we could only do it for six months but it ended up being 10 and no one ever came out and said anything or told us to stop, but that alone right there was like....hey, we can't guarantee anything, they may come out here the day the six months is up and tell you guys to pack it up, we have no clue, but point is....this was never an indefinite arrangement.

we said we'd play it by ear and see how it goes and i guess my mom really want to give C plenty of time to do whatever projects he was going to do, but this was never, ever once mentioned about being a mutually beneficial thing of like, "hey, we give you some help with your situation and you help us with ours!!" they acted like this was purely out of the goodness of their hearts and all for our benefit and then it's like....you guys come out here and don't do the stuff we wanted, do a bunch of stuff we didn't actually want and then R goes to work and actively fucks up my mom's day so bad almost every goddamn day that she doesn't get lunch (and i've told her that's what happens so she can't pretend like she has no clue!!!) and yet somehow......you guys were doing us a favor????

you didn't get out here until like....what, a few days before he died and helped me all of one day with him??

also, not for nothing but like...of this ten months my mom never charged them any rent and only after six months did she ask for some utilities and even then she would low ball it or not even ask for it if C had done a lot of stuff around the place for us and i even let R use my car for a while even though there were two perfectly good other vehicles sitting there that nobody was using she could have used instead but for some reason it just had to be my car.

she even bragged to that same front desk lady before that they were getting caught up on all their bills and saving up all this money and everything so like....by no means is them moving out us like...tossing them out with nothing and yet by the way R's making it out to sound we (or i guess more specifically my mom) are doing them an unkindness somehow and i just can't wrap my head around that.

even when we had the discussion about them moving, it was actually C who brought it up to my mom, so we didn't even come down on them like, "get the fuck out of here already!!!" and even when they discussed it she didn't bring up any of the negative shit, she just put it like y'know, it's been about a year and we think we're ready to try this on our own for now but even in saying that she let them know they had plenty of time to figure out what they were going to do and it ended up taking a month longer than what they told us initially, but we were totally cool about it, didn't even ask, "hey, what's the hold up?" or anything, just rolled with the flow and yet i guess no matter what you do for some people it'll just never be enough.

and again, clearly if she's going through something i hate that for her, but like...don't take that out on us. or anyone for that matter. i know she had a little health concern there for a minute, but everything's good now so i hope maybe that'll bring her some peace and hopefully she can either find a new job that makes her happier or maybe they'll end up moving back to where she was happier or just...something.

i really didn't want things to be ugly like this and i'm sure there's probably something more we could have done on our part, but at the same time it's also kinda like....y'know, we really needed that time, especially right after my dad died, to just be able to breathe and focus on our own healing and it really ended up being more about helping them and doing stuff for them and around them than anything so that....kinda sucks!!!

oh, and one last thing before i ramble on some more and then disappear like homer back into the bushes, but as they were leaving C told me at some point he'd come back and that i ought to get out my dad's gun so he could teach me how to shoot it now that they'll be leaving and, i dunno, maybe i'm wrong for feeling this way because i'm sure his heart was in the right place but like.......bud, i don't do guns. i think we all know this about me at this point. for good reason.

secondly, uh......just because there's not gonna be a man around here anymore doesn't mean we're helpless sitting ducks. i'm not saying i would definitely win in some kind of altercation should someone try to attack me at home or whatever, but i dunno, man.

my thing of it is, if someone is going to get me it's probably going to be in a scenario where i'm not even close to the gun anyway, y'know? that fucker's staying inside and locked up, if i'm under attack i'm either using whatever i have around me as a weapon and/or i'm unleashing all the rage i have bottled up inside of me and hoping for the best.

literally the other day i thought, "hmm, what if someone came at me while i was in the pool, what would i do?" and i'd probably try to get on the deck, grab one of the chairs on there and use it as sort of a shield/battering ram and even if the person takes it from me that'll at least give me a few seconds to run or do something else.

i've also got pool chemicals down there so like...how's some pool shock in your eyes for ya? how about some algaecide! you want some chloride tablet dust hands all over your face? you got it!! how about i whack you real good with this skimmer pole? and if possible....push the attacker in the pool and make a run for it!! there's so many options and i have too much time to think about stuff like that, so like...i'll either be fine or it's my time then it's my time, either way uh....i think i'm good, thanks.

i dunno, that kinda irked me, but whatever. it's over and that's the important part. i hope maybe we can all still be friends but i guess we'll see how things go as time goes on. i'm kind of at a point now where i sort of just expect relationships to fall apart and i just don't really give a damn anymore.

in other news, i fucked up !!!

so, i've been doing this thing for a while now with my work from home stuff where like...i'm not always necessarily working for all the time i'm actually clocked in because i end up doing other stuff around the house or sometimes a break just gets away from me or i'll even go to appointments and stuff, but!!!!

one of my managers had told me that was okay because i always got my work done and for the most part i did!!

i frequently would stay up until midnight and work on the weekends off the clock to make up for the time and thought it was all evening out and it was all good, but apparently!!!!! it was not!!!!!!

and so one day i just kinda get slammed with this information and then had to have a phone call with the manager that makes me cry about this because it's apparently a big no-no to do things that way for one thing but for another i guess here lately i haven't been making up the time like i thought, especially with me working 50 hours a week, so!!!

fortunately i didn't get fired, some fucking how.

she said if someone else besides her had caught it i would have been immediately terminated (so hey, R, i guess i found a way to get instantly fired after all, lol, just do that!!) but instead i'm just no longer allowed to get any overtime, i can't work off the clock anymore and i'm definitely being monitored so i have to be really careful now whenever i get up to use the bathroom or take the dog out or wash some dishes or whatever that i'm not away from my computer for too long so now instead of getting distracted by chores for however long that takes i do one thing, run to my computer and do some work and then do another little thing and then back to my computer, etc.

but, hey, i'll take it since they're letting me stay which i really appreciate. i really honest to god thought i was making up for the time and didn't think it was a problem, but i guess the manager that told me it was okay didn't realize, i guess and on my end i just got sloppy with it so i apologized profusely and now i'm just dealing with the consequences.

i did manage to not cry, though. the only time i got a little choked up was when the manager i was speaking with was even at one point like, "honey, i'm surprised you're not burnt out..." because she said she could see where i was up until midnight or even later just working and the fact that she could tell i was but no one else really has was just kinda like, ha, wow.

but yeah. i'm also not sure now if i'll even get a raise this year, which it's usually only a few cents anyway so it's not like, "no, my big raise!!" but still. that few cents helps and especially now that i'm not getting that good overtime money i am....feeling it, mr krabs.

i was finally getting to a point after being set back a few thousand dollars on top of still being in my own debt where i felt like i could finally start to breathe again and was even putting some in savings but that's all gone out the window now and i'm having to be even more careful than i already was with my spending, but this one's my own damn fault so i can't really be too upset about it.

i've instead just hopped back on the job search train to hopefully see about getting a second job that i can work around this first one. if i find something that could replace this one then even better probably but i'll just have to see, it's been a slow process so far because i am indeed quite burnt out, but we're trying. i'm even willing to do something that'll have me in person somewhere since i've got a flo mask now and can breathe a little easier while still staying safe in public settings so i could probably handle something like that with better peace of mind now.

hopefully i find something soon, but if not i'll figure it out.

sucks, though too because i started something with my gyn back when i was making that better money that i'm now getting bills for and we're still not done so...yippee (i think i can set up a payment plan, though and even if it takes me years i'll pay it all off).

basically when i finally had that goddamn appointment i was losing my mind over i had my checkup and everything went good there, but i also brought up the fact that i.want.an.ablation.

and i thought my np was going to be receptive to it, but when i actually got there i kind of felt like i strated getting the run around a little.

the first thing she said to me was, "well, with your weight..." and i pretty much mentally blacked out after that because a million thoughts (many of them from my disordered eating past) started swirling and all i could think about was "lose the weight, lose the weight now, oh my god, you've fucked this up for yourself, you fucking idiot" so i didn't really get the whole gist of what she was saying about that, but i did also think it was kind of weird because my mom was bigger than i am when she had hers done and it wasn't an issue so like ???

she also mentioned something about potential bleeding or whatever, but again i could barely focus at that point and whatever she was saying, it wasn't a complete no either so we went ahead with the exam and made a plan (she also asked me about my dad at one point, like "how's your dad doing?" and i had to break the news to her while i was sitting there like...basically naked and about to get my pap smeared. so that was neat. she was nice about it though and i do like this np because she at least went to get a mask when she saw mine so i'll give her that).

when she was doing my exam she said my uterus seemed like it was sitting a little low which could indicate it might be heavy for some reason and i know this is terrible but i was praying to every force in the universe that that bitch was full of fibroids like my mom's or just...something that would render me getting this procedure done or having the whole thing taken out, something.

she wanted me to have another period and then come in for a transvaginal ultrasound so we could see what that was about and granted she did give me some medicine to take that would help make my periods less intense (because that's the other reason i want this, i do not want to have any more fucking periods, especially with how heavy mine are!!!!) but it's these two big honking ass pills i gotta take three times a day while i'm on my period but it's only for five days and mine area usually seven (plus it's like $50 and part of the idea is also like....i'm tired of spending money on period products, why the fuck would i want to spend $50 a month on this medicine AND still have to buy period products??) and yeah, they seem to help some without counteracting the medicine i need to actually be able to walk and all that shit (although the jury's still undecided about that one because it's hard to tell if i'm just regular old exhausted or if it's those pills but i did seem to have a harder time getting around and was overall a lot weaker on them so...who knows) but i just don't know if it's a long-term solution for me.

in any case, i did a round of that and had my ultrasound and the only thing it showed was a spot that could potentially be a polyp but it could also be blood or something else, so she wanted me to have another period on those pills (which i have now) and i go in next week for another ultrasound to see if it's cleared up or still there and if we can see it any clearer if it is.

and if it is still there they may go in and go in to clear it out and that might give me some period relief as well or i dunno, whatever the case calls for i guess, but apparently as soon as i have that ultrasound done i finally get to meet with one of the doctors that does the surgery to plead my case, i guess, so fingers fucking crossed.

i've prepared myself to hear bad news, so i guess at this point if i don't get it i'll at least be saving some money, so i'll look at this that way and i guess if i just tough it out for a while longer i'lll probably be in menopause before i know it so i'll just suck it up if that's what it comes down to, but i'm open to trying some other options first, i just know a lot of traditional birth control fucks with my medication and i just....can't do that but that'll be for me to sort out and i will, whatever the answer ends up being.

oh, and i did try to clarify with her what the cautions were again at that second appointment when i had a clearer head and she didn't mention my weight again, but did say something about the bleeding and i guess it's something about how especially in younger patients they're starting to see internal bleeding around menopause or something and it's hard to tell if it's from the ablation or something else or what, but again i even ran that by mom who's a nurse and she was like, "mmmm, okay" so it really feels like they're just gonna hit me with every excuse they can think of to deter me, but i expected that so i'm not really shocked, just kind of annoyed.

it really does just piss me off to no end that like...i, someone who's almost 34 goddamn years old, can't just be like, "hey, hate this shit and i want it to stop, plus getting pregnant is not something i have any interest in doing whatsoever and i'm pretty sure i physically couldn't do it anyway, please let me make this perfectly rational decision for my body that would help with both of these things without running the risk of making my disability harder to deal with or drastically fucking up my hormones, please," and it be like, "okay, sure thing," and we just do the damn procedure.

but hey, at this point, if by some miracle i'm able to get one i'll shut the fuck up because i realize at this point even being able to still have access to any kind of birth control (whether it would work for me or not) is a blessing so i'll just take whatever answer i get and try to make the best of it.

so that's that saga for now, i'll keep you posted, i guess. and speaking of appointments and health stuff....now on to my therapy. yay.

i decided i wanted to cancel my appointment that was supposed to be this most recent thursday because for one thing i didn't really feel up to it and for another i was tighter on money this week so rather than owe her more than what i already do (which i'm paying her back, too, just like with everything else it's slow going) but anyway, i emailed her on monday and didn't hear anything back.

i know i've mentioned to her several times that i don't have good cell service at my house and she knows i work from home and never go anywhere except the grocery store, plus i know she's said that she responds to texts faster, but like...by no means had she ever said she doesn't respond to emails at all and i know we've emailed in the past so like...okay.

it gets to be wednesday in the afternoon past lunch time and still no response so i just say fuck it and clock out from work, get in my car and drive out to where there's cell service and sent her a text letting her know i needed to cancel my appointment and maybe this is my fuck up, but i did also mention that i had sent an email and i was having to clock out and drive out just to send a text and i wasn't really sure how to reschedule since this seemed like the only means of communication now.

i waited a few minutes but didn't think she'd get back to me right away anyway, plus i needed to get back to work so i went ahead and drove home, but she never did email me back and instead a few days later (because of the bad cell service i keep mentioning) i finally got her response through text and it just said "gotcha" and another that said "you can leave a voicemail at this number" and i dunno, i'm probably overreacting but that just felt...kinda shitty to me??

you're a therapist who primarily deals with neurodivergent clients, you know your patients hate talking on the phone. and again, i've told her over and over and over again the thing about the cell service and i guess it was never said explicitly like, "hey, please let me communicate through email with you about appointments and stuff" but it was also never said officially, "hey, i refuse to check my email or respond to any of them even when i know they're there and even though i'm supposed to be a professional" so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and i dunno, i guess i'm just extra pissy, too because i've been sort of thinking for a minute now anyway that i might need to find a new therapist.

don't get me wrong, she has helped me quite a bit in this past year and i don't know what i would have done if there wasn't someone i could talk to about all this shit, but that was part of the problem is that even though i've been going for over a year now it still feels like sometimes i have to explain things i've explained a thousand times before all over again (like in particular anything about grief she always treats me like i'm a novice at this and i always have to be like, "yeah, well like with my sister...." to remind her) and it's just kind of frustrating because i only get an hour and i'm paying all this money and it's like...are you even really listening to me? do you actually care?

i know she has a lot of clients and i know it has to be a lot to keep up with but i dunno. i especially felt like at our last session before this interaction even happened that she was a little short with me?

i chalked it up to her just having a bad day because she did mention some insurance shit (and of course mine always gives her trouble and i always hear about it first thing and i'm just like....yeah, i don't really know what to do about that, you keep saying your lady who does your financial shit is going to reach out to me to clear all this up but she never does and my insurance card says i can't contact them so i dunno what to really do other than just keep overpaying for my sessions until i'm caught up i guess, sorry) but maybe it's me. probably it's me. isn't it always?

she's also the type of therapist anyway that will admit to you that she likes to sort of work herself out of clients, i.e. help them enough to where they don't really need her and i guess in my case i probably haven't progressed all that much and certainly after a year if i'm still making appointments and am behind on my payments i guess i'm just taking up space so maybe she's fed up with me, but i wish she'd just say that so i could just work on finishing up what i owe her and move on to someone else, y'know?

also, not for nothing but like...i feel like sometimes in our sessions we talk more about her and she monopolizes the conversation more than i ever really get to talk about shit and i don't really think our worldviews are as compatible as i thought they were so i've been a little bit on pins and needles anyway for a while, but was willing to still give it a chance because i know how i am and i wanted to really give this a shot, but it's just becoming less and less worth the hassle and is starting to create more stress for me than anything, so i've tentatively started to make a list of other therapists, but i'm willing to give this another chance or two before i make my decision.

really sucks, too because i've been trying really hard lately to get my mom into therapy and i didn't even want to tell her about any of this so as not to deter her from wanting to give it a shot, but i ended up telling her anyway today because i got upset about her drinking again and needed her to know i'm really struggling over here and don't even have any help at the moment and so it's just really tough for me when i can't even leave the house for a few hours without her getting blackout drunk.

it really got to me today because one of my aunts has come up from florida to see my grandma because we're getting to that point where uh...she might not be here soon so she really wanted to see her, well, that was all well and good except of course she flew in yesterday with all that shit going on so everything was delayed and we had to go to atlanta to pick her up and i don't think she was wearing a mask so already i'm just like....awesome.

y'know, i get it, i reached a point sometime last year where it was like, "okay, i'm in a position where whether i like it or not i'm going to be around people who aren't masking all the time and maaaaybe we have gotten to a point where it's cool as long as i'm still mostly isolating and staying up to date on my vaccines? so i took some more risks and boy did i pay for that!! i tend to forget i've got that weak immune system, babey, so i especially can't play those games, plus i really don't want to get anyone else sick so i've masked again and my mom still masks at work but i don't think she does it all the time so that's frustrating, but like...my aunt just traveled and was at the airport during a super busy time so it'll be a fucking miracle if nobody ends up getting sick.

i've harped on and on and on especially lately about how worried i am about covid and bird flu and how i'm especially vulnerable and i've tried to be really understanding and patient about it because i get how human beings work, i get how it fucks with people's heads to go out in public all the time and not see anyone but one or two people, if that, still masking, i get it's still "out of sight, out of mind" in a lot of ways, but just....fuck.

so, i'm stressed about that, but also i went to actually drop her off at my grandma's today (which i know it's like, "if you're worried about people getting sick should they still be visiting?" and i hate to say it, but they're both old enough and educated enough about this to know the risks and my grandmother wakes up every morning begging Jesus for death so i don't think she really cares, tbh) and i ended up taking a route that's over this windy ass mountain and of course it was pouring torrential rain as i'm doing it so i get through all of that and i get a little closer to home before i try to call my mom to see if she needs me to stop and get her anything on my way in, plus just let her know i got my aunt there safe and all that and she kept picking up the phone but just....not responding.

and i thought at first it was a technical issue on my end or sometimes our land line does weird shit like that, so i wasn't freaking out just yet although a part of me was like, "oh my god, she's on the floor injured and is trying to answer me but can't" but as i later came to find out she was just super duper drunk. i managed to even get her on the phone a few times but she kept hanging up on me she was so out of it.

and i dunno, i know this makes me a massive child, especially at my age, but it just kinda hit me like, "oh shit, i'm really alone in this bitch, huh?"

like...what if something had happened to me? or to my aunt? what if we'd gotten into a car crash driving through that rain? she wouldn't have been able to come to the ER, she would have needed to sleep it off.

and i mean, that's fine, i guess. i'm a big girl, i need to deal with shit on my own, it just sucks that she couldn't even wait until i got home to get that messed up. i wouldn't have been happy about it, but i probably wouldn't have said anything other than encourage her to go lie down when it was obvious she was getting too far gone, but since i wasn't there she passed that point and it's like...here i am, stressed out about a million different things, we just had my sister's death anniversary last weekend and we've got the double whammy next month of my dad's one year passing anniversary and then a week later his birthday, i just drove through hell and i'm calling you trying to do something nice for you and you're hanging up on me and don't give a fuck what happens to me because you just had to get shitfaced drunk in the middle of the day.

but i calmed down some and she sobered up some (not before drinking again later, but still) and i apologized and just kinda of let her know a little of what's been going on and why i'm so stressed.

i know it won't make a difference and i know she's probably never going to change and it's only going to get worse, but i just wanted her to know it wasn't coming from nowhere and it's just frustrating this keeps happening and only seems to get worse as time goes on.

sometimes i think it might finally be getting better or she might finally be willing to go to therapy, but then we have another day like this and it just kinda shatters that reality.

i really have tried to be patient and give her grace and just gently usher her off to bed while i take care of the dog and shut everything down and clean everything up and try to make things easy for her, but it's like i'm just doomed to sit here and watch everyone i love self-destruct in some way or another and there's not a goddamn thing i can do about it except every so often scream and cry about it, but that also doesn't really change shit so oh well.

she'll either get help or won't but my tears clearly mean dick to her or to this addiction and i'm too exhausted to keep pleading my case so in the mean time i've started making a list again of potential therapists for her so she can look them over and i'll help in any way i can to get her set up with all of that, but after that the ball is fully fucking in her court, i can't do it anymore

i've sort of been her stand in therapist this entire time which we both know isn't appropriate or fair to me but clearly nothing's quite as good as alcohol and if it's at this point where it's truly more important than me then so be it, i guess.

i still love her very much and she's kind of all i have left as far as people i'm close to so i don't want to lose her in any sense, but i'm also just sort of preparing myself for that just in case i need to leave here and focus just on myself or she kicks me out or just...something.

my dad had told me he was concerned about how things would go for us, especially with her drinking, but he did all he could do and i did all i could do and that's that, i guess.

it just really sucks that he's not here anymore for me to talk to about this. he understood. so did ashley. i would give any fucking thing on this earth to just be able to talk to either of them again. i've truly never felt more alone in my life than i have these past few months or years at this point, i don't even know, but i'm just kind of done with everyone and everything at the moment. i'm on autopilot.

i'm going to just try to find enjoyment wherever i can and hold on to that and just keep doing my best even if it's shitty and not good enough for anyone else and even if everything around me continues to fall apart and just get worse and worse as times goes on i'm going to just....keep going, i guess. until i can't anymore.

one thing, though that i've decided is that i refuse to be a nuisance to anyone else. i really don't want to be that person that takes my shit out on anyone else just because i'm a miserable bastard having a rough time of it with things, especially shit that's mine to sort out anyway.

i don't care where i end up or what happens to me, i would really rather beat the shit out of myself until i'm all bruises or give myself a concussion before i become so miserable i decide to take it out on someone else, in any way. even if someone's hurt me, i don't give a shit about getting even or getting revenge or any of that petty bullshit, i just want to be left the fuck alone and honestly the more i go on, the better that probably is.

i'm probably just not in a good head space right now and will change my mind later and who knows, may even try to make new connections later, but for the time being i just want to sleep for about a hundred years straight and then worry about being a person after that.

anyway, this is very long and quite a bummer so i apologize if you've read all this.

i kept waiting to make an update until i'd have something positive to end on at least or something promising to look forward to, but uh...nope. seems like shit just kinda gets a little worse every day and i know it's only a drop in the bucket compared to how life in general is right now for everyone so i'll wrap up this little whine fest, i just hate that i pretty much abandoned this space even though i like being on here (i also get a lot of naked bots following me when i don't post for a while so there's that, too).

anyway, hopefully the next time i pop in for an update i'll have better news or i might just stick my head in now and again more often, i keep saying that but then...yeah.

anyway, hope if you're reading this life's treating you well and if it's not i hope it will soon. i know shit's really rough right now so i hope you're finding joy whenever and wherever possible and holding on to it.

later days <3

[esparia]

The Saison Margeurite Puzzle

I have a lot of thoughts about MPGIS (most popular girls in school) but Saison is one that after S5 I have crafted a theory for. Or at least an explanation to the best of my vague ability. ( @ifrickupmywords I tried to condense it but...)

The Main Questions I'm trying to answer:

Pretends she’s French when she’s Canadian. Why?

A.) Could be master manipulator, points are showing this.

B.) Could be trolling, evidence doesn’t fully back this but it could have started as such.

C.) Could be a power trip. She obviously likes fucking with people but this point could go to either A or B.

Why France?

A.) Greater popularity points to be an exchange student than a “new student”.

B.) Being French would be easier to fake if she already knew French bc she’s from Montreal and grew up in Quebec which has a close tie to French as a language.

Why not Canadian?

A.) Doesn’t score cool points. Not an exchange if she just moved. Lacks “cool” accent and experiences.

B.) Could be past related. Past unknown.

Thus, Popularity Aim Theory.

If she’s aiming to be popular why the route she’s taking? It seems convoluted and uncertain.

What she has done so far is make her position un-topple-able by not staking her popularity on what she is but herself. So here's the timeline of events.

Starting point. “French Student”, grabs everyone’s attention immediately. Gets interest from the social hubs and is thus introduced to many of their connections bc she needs to be “shown around”. Is thus labeled a non threat to their hierarchy and they will only help her instead of try to pull her down from her “fumbling climb up the social ladder”.

Taking French as a class. Perhaps she “misunderstood” what French was, just like how English is, as a class. It would give her an easy passing grade and raise her GPA. Some classes give the opportunity to have a France trip (when that opportunity falls through she joins the French club which gets her that trip)

Her introduction. A “Good but Confused Student”. Goes to the “wrong” class but is earnest and obviously just turned around and is directed back by a teacher and likely got a tardy pass so she could make it to her other class and get her book and still make it in time. Endears her to the staff. They are likelier to be softer on her bc of it. (added bonus, she gains Blaine)

Blaine is a football player. Perfect for a least a romp which would earn her points with him an gain his ear. A connection to the male side of the popularity royalty would gain elevate her but he proves beyond perfect.

-Blain is naive and bc of that easily lied to. Anything odd she can pass of as her being “French” and not understanding. He’d believe her. He’d also tell her what he hears readily enough if she is his girlfriend and prom date.

Prom is easy to get into bc of Blaine and she is sure to be featured in at least the yearbook’s prom section bc of Blaine’s football status. Everyone will see her with him there and those not at prom will see her as the gf of a football player. Status instantly on par with the cheerleaders.

Baby Brittany. Saison is not stupid and would use protection if she wanted to avoid a baby. However I believe Lunch Lady Belinda got her thinking with her comment “the babies you two make tonight are going to be so stupid”. What gets the whole school talking about you, class and status regardless? A pregnant girl. Add in that she is the exchange student, the gf of Blaine, and kind but dumb? Everyone will want to support her. Again, she is zero threat.

Flashing forward she names Brittany after the one person who is most vocal against her. Making her a god parent. Tying the cheer squad to her and neutralizing or at least making peace with an actual threat. BUT only announces it after the stage is set.

She, whether planned or not, takes her pregnancy and uses it to it’s full potential. She’s amazing at grabbing opportunities when she gets them. Sure fire way to get the school to know she’s pregnant? Leaving the tests behind instead of hiding them. We know theres more than one bc Desmond (the janitor) says “and people be leaving these (positive pregnancy test) all over the gd floor” implying more than one all over the place. Someone and likely more than one will find them the rumor mill will start and speculation will rise. Thus building it up to a bigger reveal. Mackenzie was going to spread it around and ridicule whoever it was when she found out. (the confrontation between the squad and her is very interesting if you think about it)

But that’s not enough for the long haul. She needs a support system that can’t be rocked. She needs to cement her position thus “Babes having Babies”, it falls through but it connects her to Brittany for a while and its shown she already has a connection with Shay “practically royalty”. The whole school is basically beneath her now that she has a reality show and wants the influence she has. Even Brittany. It falls through yes but it’s what she wants. If the nation sees it it’s likelier for her parents to see or someone to recognize her and fake claim her. It cancelling is perfect bc it served her purpose and she can move on.

She has grown her connections and anything added is a cake walk. Her school image of being really tolerant of Brittany’s hostility also cemented the illusion of a “friendly and forgiving” nature. Again lowering her threat level and being welcomed by just about everyone.

Being added then removed from the cheer squad was pretty solid strategy wise. She got in for Cheer Nationals, a place she doesn’t have to act just dance and be on TV. It doesn’t have the risk of getting her fake claimed like BhB. But it guaranteed that she wouldn’t fall into obscurity. She kept part of the status boost her own reality show would have given her. She got kicked off after but that worked in her favor as it left the opening and she was known to be an ok cheer leader.

She left before it tanked on the social ladder and made connections with the outcasts (public image aiding this no doubt) and was eventually accepted back on the squad bc she used that easy opening to get onto what she knew would end up victorious. Fads come and go and she used it to build that network but she guaranteed a future when the fad died.

She does manage to keep her oblivious status or ditzy look when her water breaks in the lunch room. Either it happened really fast and she was caught unaware or she has balls of steel and timed it to deliver in the lunch room or at least start labor there. Deandra being a midwife could have thrown plans to go to the hospital out the window but she rolled with it. Either way, she rolled with it and is now legendary amongst the students.

All in all, junior year has her in a nice gray neutral zone escaping most of the drama that could tear her down. Keeping her good natured persona lets her keep all her connections and general popularity without risk now it's about maintenance. Which she does perfectly in s4. The exception is getting in the gun fight which couldn't have been foreseen at all. It does however prove the level of danger Brittany is and the importance to get her to fully believe Saison's act. Which I personally started fully suspecting because of Baby Brittany's weird ability to understand what Saison is saying. Dumb + Naive could make Genius but if Saison is brilliant enough to manipulate her surroundings to come out on top why not be able to pass it on?

Either way s5 shows how desperate she is to get Brittany off her back and neutralize that threat she poses.

That trip finally comes up and it'll either be a way to familiarize herself with France but Paris in particular to gain credit for the backstory she's fabricated and/or learn the french accent/dialect and drop the Canadian french. This is why she could have originally planed to go. (However if her parents were already in France at that time, the opportunity to show Rachel and Judith was there which would get back to Brittany eventually.)

She could also use it to “visit” her parents. Not inviting Blaine along with the excuse that it was a club activity. Speculation about how deep her knowledge and strings go it could be a complete spider web of strings she's pulling or she could simply be reacting to circumstances and taking advantage of it.

I fully believe she knew that Rachel and Judith followed her around and likely was testing that exactly bc she knew Brittany's tendency to... go to extremes. She just got confirmation at the drunken party about the Brittany bit. This is when I think she for sure made plans to show off her parents. That laugh and confidence just scream security.

The reveal doesn't exactly add much to it but it does show how she flips between to states relatively easily. In the end Brittany “came around” and with her in her corner there's little to no way her position will be shakable.