#awake and shaking with exhaustion holding a knife in the corner so that i cpuld see the closet door (held shut by my dresser) my closed
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I don't know how to do it scared and I'm so mad about it.
#idk how to do new things. idk why i go from yeah im doing it and im excited about it#to getting to it and self harming bcus the terror and fear is too much to handle and backing out#is there something just. wrong with me that isnt wrong with other people?#i dont do the actual self harm as often. i still do but i more just.#turn around and leave or hide and dont go#that i leave the apartment at all feels like a miracle sometimes#i do not fondly remember the YEAR i spent isolated in my apartment for 28 out of 30 days a month.#so i think even being able to go to familiar stores is a victory for me sometimes. its definitely better than sitting up in bed#awake and shaking with exhaustion holding a knife in the corner so that i cpuld see the closet door (held shut by my dresser) my closed#bedroom door and my window in my eye line.#..... maybe i will get to the point one day where i dont need to be physically dragged into new stores.#maybe i have made improvements...#maybe i should be proud of that ..#what a novel concept
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