#aw love that inside the van pic

[dreamings-free]

23/6/24

[louloulemons-posts]

Congrats! 🩷

Can I ask for Eddie Munson with 16. prompt “i don’t want them! i want you!”?

thank youuu! 🫶🏻

1k celebration prompts list

16 : ‘i don’t want them, i want you!’

W/Eddie Munson

a/n : have you guys seen the pic of joe with pedro pascal i can’t breathe!!!!

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

you’d had feelings for him for a while now, how couldn’t you?

he was sweet, funny, kind, beautiful inside and out - he was just eddie.

but he liked her. and that made perfect sense. chrissy was beautiful too.

she was charismatic, and outgoing. the best cheerleader this school had seen in years. half of the boys in your class were in love with her - hell even some of the girls.

you couldn’t even be mad at him, or her, because it just made sense.

you picked at your nails as you stood by your locker, spotting the blonde haired girl walk past with her friend, a huge grin on her face.

sighing you dropped your head back against the metal, this was gonna be a long day - thank god it was friday.

“hey,” a voice said, making you jump.

looking up you met eddies eyes, “hi.”

“you good?” he asked.

“mhm, yeah. just half asleep still.”

a loud laugh echoed down the hall, making you and eddie turn your heads. chrissy and her friends were giggling away.

you saw the boys cheeks become rosy, a small smile reaching his lips.

“i gotta get to class, i’ll see you later,” you said, quickly walking away.

the boy was confused, “but we have the same class?” he said to himself.

“in trouble with the wife?” gareth said from besides him. “i don’t know what’s going on,” eddie said.

“you will, you’re just being stupid right now.”

“what else is new?”

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

“you’re avoiding him. very mature.”

“hello to you too gareth, nice to see you. yeah having a great day thanks.”

“yeah yeah whatever. so when are you gonna tell him?”

“tell who what?” this made the boy cock his brow at you. “what?”

“eddie. you’re in love with him.”

“am not.”

“we’ve been friends since the first grade, you can’t lie to me. you love him. what’s the big deal.”

“he’s in love with chrissy.”

gareth snorted, “oh yeah.” you glared at the boy, “it’s not funny.”

“it is, a bit. you’re silly sometimes you know, you should just talk to him.”

“i’d rather not. now have good weekend, i’ll see you monday.”

“mhm, see you.”

you walked away from the boy. not looking back, just wanting to lie on your bed and mope.

“hey!” a voice called. god.

“hi,” you said.

“so you’ve been busy today huh?”

“not really.”

“oh.”

“did you need something eddie?”

“wanted to see if you wanted a ride home.”

“i’m good, i need the walk.”

“oh. okay then. i’ll call you later?”

“sure, bye.”

“bye?”

gareth appeared - again. putting a hand on his shoulder, “that was maybe one of the most tragic things i’ve ever seen.”

“what’s going on?”

“you’re still haven’t figured that out?”

“figure what out?” this caused gareth to groan.

“do you like chrissy?”

“cunningham? no, she’s a good client but nah she’s not my type.”

“and your type is?”

“well … uh i-”

“y/n. yes i know i know. and her type is you. but she sees you looking at your favourite client and feels awful about herself. feeling all blue, and then doesn’t want to be around you to stop those horrible feelings - and everyone’s best bud gareth gets it in the neck.”

“i- what?”

“she. likes. you.”

“well shit.” the pair stood there in silence.

“go after her then.”

“oh yeah right. thanks man. i owe you one!” eddie said jogging over to his van. “i should become a therapist,” gareth said.

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

“hey!”

jesus this was the third time today.

“eddie.”

“can you get in the van?”

“why?”

“we should talk.”

“about?”

“just stuff, come on i’ll buy you a shake.”

you sighed, nodding slightly before hopping into the van, not looking up to meet eddies gaze.

“so-”he began, but you cut him off, “buy me a shake and then we can talk.”

he smiled, nodding his head. “okay i can do that.”

~ / / / * \ \ \ ~

you were sat across the table from each other, drinking shakes, not really speaking or looking at each other - more so you than eddie.

the bell above the door rang, signalling someone coming in. a familiar voice made you want to burst into tears. “oh hey eddie!”

“chrissy. hi.”

“how are you?”

“i’m good, you?”

“great yeah.”

“oh hey, y/n right?”

“uh yeah, hi,” you said, looking up.

“well i’ll get out of your guys’ way,” the blonde said, but you pushed yourself up from the table. “no need, i’m just going. thanks for the shake eddie.”

“hang on a sec-” he said, but you were out of there.

“relationship issues?” chrissy said.

“what?”

“they’re your partner right?”

“no?”

“oh, well i just assumed, well you’re like one of the most loved relationships in the schools. or you will be when you ask them out.”

“thank you!” he said, rushing out of the diner, to catch up with you.

“y/n wait!”

“i’m busy eddie.”

“will you please just wait a sec.”

“you should go back to chrissy.”

“what are you talking about?”

“you’re dating right?”

“what? no!”

“well you should ask her out.”

“why?”

“cause you clearly like her.”

“oh my god, can you just stop walking.”

“no i’ve gotta go home,” you didn’t want to stop, didn’t want him to see your red eyes.

“for fuck sake, y/n i don’t want them i want you!” he shouted, holding your hand so you were stuck in place.

“what?” you said quietly.

“i like you! i love you god dammit.”

“love me?”

“yes!”

“why didn’t you tell me?” you said, spinning to face him.

“i didn’t think you’d feel the same.”

“well i do!”

“good.”

“great.”

“i’m gonna kiss you now.”

he did just that, cupping your cheeks and smashing your lips to his. it was soft but intense, butterflies swarming your stomach.

“i love you, not chrissy. and i’d really like to take you out, if you’d let me?”

“i’d like that.”

[outerbonks]

complicated [2] - jj maybank

here’s part two! please enjoy and tell me if i should keep it going!

summary: you’re a kook and JJ doesn’t like you at all. That’s what he wants everybody to believe anyway.

word count:+2k

warning(s): sad shit, mentions of abuse, swearing

taglist (open):  @danicarosaline​, @yeehaw87​, @sspidermanss​

PART ONE

It'd been a few days since the party at the boneyard and you were meeting up with the pogues soon as per JJ's request.

You’d hung out with them before but something felt off about this time, Kie had been texting you all morning making extra sure that you were coming.

She was never usually this concerned about if you'd be coming or not, it was usually just one message about a half hour before you were supposed to meet but today your phone was buzzing non-stop.

Kie 🌺✨: So ur coming today right?

You: ofc 💞 meeting at John B's place right?

Kie 🌺✨: Yes but wear something cute 👀

You: okayyyyy

You: why tho? 👀

Kie 🌺✨: For the group pics obviously 👀

You: sounds fake but ok bby 😌✨ I'll dress cute... only for you tho 😉

Kie 🌺✨: that's why you're my girl 😘 

Kie 🌺✨: okay I've gtg do some stuff but I love you

You: love you too 💞

Kie 🌺✨: John B's at 1pm

You: I've got it, see you then

She was definitely up to something, you could tell, she never cared how you dressed especially not when all you were doing was meeting up with her friends.

Deciding not to worry about it, you threw your phone onto your bed and started to get ready.

Settling on your favourite white crop top, the one with a daisy embroidered in the middle you pulled it on along with a pair of denim shorts and your white converse, that had become dirty from the amount of wear and tear they'd been through since you got them.

The posing you were doing in front of your mirror was interrupted by your phone chiming yet again.

JJ Maybank: Hi. 

JJ Maybank: Kie gave me ur number

JJ Maybank: She told me to ask u to bring snacks

You: Sure I'll stop by the store on my way

You: Any preference?

JJ Maybank: Whatever is fine with me princess

You: Alright I'll see what I can do

JJ Maybank: Wait get chips

You: What's the magic word? 🥺

JJ Maybank: Are u really gonna make me do this princess?

You: I mean if you want ur chips 👀

JJ Maybank: Remember when I told you I didn't hate you? I take it back

You: Then starve 😌🥰

JJ Maybank: Fine. Pretty please will you pick up some chips

You: Why of course I will since you asked ever so nicely!! 🧚🌺✨💫💞

JJ Maybank: You suck

Laughing at his response you grabbed your purse and left your house, making your way to the store.

You couldn't lie, you enjoyed messing with JJ. Now that you had his number you had a feeling that the two of you were going to be annoying each other on a whole other level now.

When you arrived at the store you made sure to stock up on snacks, buying extra chips as an attempt to ensure today stays peaceful between you and JJ.

Soon enough you found yourself at John B's front door, knocking on the frame gently.

Kie answered the door with a bright smile, giving you a hug before pulling you inside.

"Did you bring snacks?" Was the first thing you heard as Kie ushered you into the chateau. You let out an airy laugh and held up the plastic bag in your hand for JJ to see, "As promised."

"Great! Both of you go sit down." Kie instructed and you obliged, sitting down on John B's couch and placing the bag of snacks in-between yourself and JJ who immediately started rummaging through the bag, you watched intently as he pulled out a bag of chips with a big smile on his face, "These are my favorite!"

Nodding your head at the boy you looked at him with a mockingly parental look, trying your best to hide the smirk forming on your lips, "That's what happens when you say please, sweetheart."

 JJ scoffed before looking around the room in confusion, "Where'd the others go?"

Neither of you had noticed Kie and John B sneak out the front door and realization washed over the both of you as you heard the engine of John B's van running.

The pair of you scurried out to the porch, watching as the van moved away and Kie stuck her head out the window, "We're going to get beer, we'll probably be a while! You two should talk while we're gone! Bye!" She shouted before John B hit the gas and the van sped off.

Sighing you looked at JJ with an unimpressed expression, "Guess we're talking then."

"Seems like it." The boy muttered crankily, following you into the house.

Spending time with you meant getting to know you and getting to know you would eventually lead to falling for you. JJ couldn't let that happen. But he had no choice, he'd rather talk to you than spend hours in silence waiting for his friends to return.

"Do you wanna play 20 questions?" You asked, breaking the awkward silence that has settled over the both of your once you returned to your seats on the couch.

JJ let out a huff, looking at you with his eyebrow raised, "What are we? Twelve?"

Letting out a scoff you couldn't help but roll your eyes, "You sure do act like it."

"Fine. You ask first." He sighed, sinking into the couch and digging into the chips you'd brought.

"Alright, start off easy… What's your favorite hobby?" The blond boy beside you shook his head and leaned his elbows on his knees, turning his head to look at you, "Surfing. My turn. What did you mean the other night when you asked me what age you were when it all started going wrong?" He fired, the question had been locked and loaded in his mind since the night at the boneyard. 

"It's kind of a bummer, you sure you wanna get into it?" You questioned, catching your lip between your teeth.

The boy only nodded, staring at you expectantly, "Well, when I was thirteen my mom got really sick, she's been in and out of hospitals on the mainland for the past three years, my dads never left her side so I don't see much of either of them anymore. She's in some private hospital on the mainland right now, we're pretty sure she won't be getting out again." You explained numb to the situation, it'd been three years of you pretty much raising yourself, your dad kept up with the bills and put money into your credit card but he hadn't actually been home with you unless your mom was healthy enough to be there too, but she hadn't been home in the last year which meant neither had he.

"Shit…" JJ murmured, looking at you sympathetically to which you shook your head at him and gave him a tight smile. You really didn't want anyone's sympathy.

"It's fine. But I guess to give you an answer to the question, everything started going wrong when I was thirteen." You added on casually as if you hadn't just opened up about your dying mother seconds earlier.

"My turn." You stated, keeping eye contact and asking, "Why don't you want to get close to me?"

His little speech the other night had left an impact on you, you wanted to know what was so bad about you that made befriending you so awful. 

JJ sighed heavily, shrugging his shoulders, "It's complicated, I've got a reputation here on the cut y'know? And you've got yours on figure eight. We just shouldn't mix." 

You didn't bother trying to hide your confused expression, you both knew that that was bullshit.

"Maybe we shouldn't. But since when have you ever gone by the rules of society?" You piqued up.

"Hey it's not your turn anymore, you already asked your question." He butted in, throwing a chip at you.

"Fine, you go but we're getting back to that one." You warned him, making him chuckle in response.

"After you asked me when things started going wrong, you said something else…" JJ threaded carefully, having a sinking feeling that he knew what you meant by the question in the first place but the curiosity was killing him.

You nodded patiently waiting for him to continue, you knew what he was about to ask and you mentally prepared yourself to give him an answer.

"So… why can't you wear dresses to parties?" He finished, his voice gentle but his eyebrow raised.

Swallowing thickly you fidgeted with the hem of your crop top, "Last year at a kook party-" You started, shifting your eyes away from JJ's, focusing on your legs instead, "-One of Rafe Cameron's friend's, he was a senior and I had just finished freshman year, well anyway I was wearing this cute little dress and he told me he really liked it so we started hanging out and the next thing you know he was kissing me and that was all good and fine, it was really great actually." You retold to JJ, pausing for a second to glance at his eyes that were looking at you intently, his bottom lip between his teeth.

Heaving out a heavy sigh you ran a hand through your hair before finishing the story, "But then his hands were all over me and I didn't really know how to feel, yanno? I was a virgin and I'd never had a guy be into me like that so I let him go on. Until he literally tore my dress right off me and I knew then that I definitely wasn't ready for what he wanted. So I told him to stop and he flipped out on me, called me a tease and a slut and told me that if I didn't want to be fucked then I shouldn't have dressed like it. And that is why I can no longer wear dresses to parties." 

You couldn't figure out the look on the boys face, it was an expression that was a mixture between anger and sadness and something else that you couldn’t quite place.

"Who was the guy?" He inquired, his voice dangerously calm.

The story made him angry, he hated when guys thought they could just take advantage of people, he couldn't lie and say that it didn't especially bother him that it had happened to you.

You just shrugged again, "Doesn't matter. Pretty sure he moved to the mainland for college." You explained seemingly unbothered, the same way you had been after answering the last question and JJ wasn't having any of it.

"It does matter though, why do you do that?" He wondered out loud, scooting closer to you on the couch while you avoided eye contact.

"Because JJ, if I start acting like it's a big deal it's going to become a big deal and I don't want a fuss over something that happened to me in the past while other people have bigger things to worry about." The blond beside you nodded in understanding at your statement, he got that, he felt the exact same way and he realized that the pair of you were a lot more alike than he thought.

"Just don't tell Kie or John B okay? I'm only telling you because I let it slip at the boneyard, you're the only one that knows." You whispered, finally meeting his blue eyes.

He nodded with furrowed brows, "Secrets safe with me, princess."

Giving him a tight smile you spoke up again trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere, "If you weren't so stubborn I think you and I would be really great friends."

JJ laughed, taking off his red cap and running his hand through his hair before placing the cap back on his head, "You know what you're probably right-" The boy let out and exaggerated sigh before going on, "Screw it. We're friends now, princess." He stated with so much authority that you had to laugh.

"Wow and all it took was my tragic origin story? If only I’d known sooner." You said sarcastically, shoving his shoulder with your own.

JJ laughed and so did you, it was so strange, if someone had told you a week ago that you'd be playing a way too personal game of 20 questions with JJ Maybank you would've laughed in their face and asked if they were stoned. But it felt oddly comfortable in the moment.

The giggling was hushed by your phone buzzing with a message from Kie.

Kie 🌺✨: We're on our way back 

"They're coming back." You turned your head to face JJ who was smirking mischievously, "Should we fuck with them?" He asked you while scooting closer to you and looking at your phone screen.

"Oh absolutely, here." You agreed handing him your phone watching as he began to text Kie.

You: Take ur time  😉

Kie 🌺✨: What's with the winky face?

You: No reason 👀

Kie 🌺✨: omg Y/n what happened? 😳

"What should we tell her?" JJ snickered and you gasped excitedly, "Oh my God, tell her that we "bonded" but put a bunch of sex emojis after it."

"Brilliant." He commented under his breath as he began typing again.

You: Oh nothing, me and JJ just did some bonding 😌🥵👅🍆💦

Kie 🌺✨: Oh god please tell me you didn't…

Laughing at her response, you snatched the phone back from JJ, leaning close to him so he could still watch the screen and started typing, unable to contain your laughter.

You: Oh yeah, we bonded reeeeeaaaallll good. Right here on John B's couch 😜

"They're gonna be real smug about this working." JJ chimed in and you nodded in agreement.

"True. But I'm kinda glad it did." You confessed almost shyly, not trying to inflate his ego.

To your surprise JJ nodded in agreement, "Yeah you're not so bad after all. But we gotta keep this low-key, I don't want the other guys on The Cut thinking I'm a kook sympathizer." He muttered dramatically with a grin.

"Oh of course not, stays between us and the pogues." You stated with a grin to match his.

The boy reached a closed fist towards you, "Truce?" He offered up hopefully.

"Truce." You told him, bumping your fist to his gently with a smile.

Things had always been complicated between yourself and JJ but you had a feeling that it was only going to get messier from here.

part 3

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Hey could maybe do the mercs reacting to a surprisingly strong SO like they're small but can easily carry and move around furniture? Like even accidentally moving the table they're eating at

Relatable af 

Scout

★mom come pic me up im scared 

★he thought you were smol and a weakling, perfect for his fragile ego& masculinity

★seeing you lifting up the 3-person couch on the common room with one arm took him by suprise

★lowkey turned on- this boy has conflicted feelings about it, one side hes afraid that you are manlier than him but at the other side something inside him likes that,like really likes that 

Soldier

★yap, thats his cupcake

★ you two are the biggest american power couple since Superman & Lois 

★he will insist you two train together

★you will be a force to be reckoned with, lowkey you are wife material for him. He wants a partner who can hold their own in both life as a emotional turmoil but also in the more practical and labor taxing part of it

Pyro

★ when they see you moving a level 3 sentry to the side on your own they are big concerned

★how something so smol have so much power? they are  confusion

★will clap everytime they see you proving your strengh

★will be extremely concerned tho and alwyas insist at least they lend a hand even if you aren’t visibly struggling

Engie

★the first time he sees you lifting his toolbox likes its a feather he mnay or may not have a small heart attack

★he is extremely worried one day you will heart yourself - big dad insticts have been activated

★ with some time he will calm down and accept that you are something else

★might challenge you sometimes in all good fun and ask for help with his creations, congratulation Y/N you have been upgraded to his lil helper. Dont worry about payment, hell pay you in gold with love and affection every moment you guys are alone 

Demo

★ first time he sees you lifting a whole crate of Engies beers with one hand he might thing he has sliped into a alcoholic stupor, again

★he needs to see you proving yourself sober in order to believe it

★oh boy, he likes that more than he should, way more than he should

★ must and will play-fight with you, since now he knows you aren’t as fragile as you look and you can handle a bit of rough play. He will never hurt you tho, and even if his drunk as a skunk he will demand he helps you.

Heavy

★he is beyond relieved

★he knows he has the strenght of a professional strongman and at he begining he was beyond scared he might one day accidentaly hurt you 

★seeing you attemting and succeeding  moving Natasha to the side its a weird mixture of reliefand a huge concern

★you two may or may not fight over him being overprotective , he knows you are strong but in his head he can’t accept that. He was raised and crafted to be strong as steel, he is worried and he wants to be the man of the house, but once you insist and prove to him that you aren’t this smol weak cub he sees you as, he will soften. He will insist tho to help, even ifyou are prefectly capable of.

Medic

★ he will ask you if he can experiment on you

★how can someone so smol and with so little visible muscle mass be so stronk?

★bravo, you are promotedto his official helper/nurse

★he will smooch you from time to time as a “good job” or “dankenshone liebling” 

“Aw thanks liebling for lifting up the box with the new and improved babboon hearts *smooch*”

‘E! Doc Im dying here! like litteraly my leg is hanged by the bone”

“RUHE SWEINHUND”

SniperViperPiper

★ his masculinity is threatened- growing up in the testorone chernobyl of Australia he needs to be the stronger one in the relationship

★will try to help you, ends up pulling some muscle on his arm or his back

★ will act like a hurt child, please massage this poor man and let him melt in the safe haven on his van

★he is begging you to act a bit weaker, for the sake of his masculinity but ngl, this man will swoon like a schoolgirl if you pick him up and swirl him around (in his van or his sniper nest)

Spy

★ this monsier isnt that suprised, being a spy so many years has seen pretty much every hidden talent a person may have

★deep in his gut he is at ease with that knowledge , his work takes the majorityof his time and he wants to be sure you can protect yourself if trouble knocks on your door when he isnt there to protect you

★he won’t insist to help you around but will take no nos if he sees you clearly struggling with something, he is a weakling but he cares and he might get hurt and whine, but he needs to make it known and clear to you he cares about your wellbeing

★being the smug flirt he is, he might propose you use your strenght in the bedroom *wink intensifies*

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 30, 2019 // larkspur lane/the whisper box

this post is a double whammy cause they have 2 eps happen in the same day if u can believe it (thats how awful judging timelines in this show is!!)

-"hi josh..." LMAOOOOOOO

-BESS just breaking in lmaooo how many god damn times does bess just shit the bed in this show

-LOVE her frowny face at nancys closet ("my expectations are low" lmfaoooo but this would totally be me)

-"bet she meant it metaphorically" okayyy but then why did lucy say that at all? i feel like theres defo more to this story, combined with josh's cagey behavior (part of which is to get nancy to stop looking into shit d/t him and karen but still)

-"they dont accept visitors unless they're family" .....🙂

-ace "youre really good at that" to bess i fuckin love this friendship with all my heart (also love their talk at the claw mirroring nick & nancys talk in the last ep)

-also PINK AND ORANGE BESS ARE U BLIND (also 1) why tf would nancy own this and 2) where would she wear it??)

-okay wtf is vampire dip

-"boss??" see this is what i meant yesterday about nancy ruining everything for nick/george

-god DAMN she sucks at dealing with this news lmaooo that emotional competency babey + love george literally agrees to help bc she feels bad (AND nicks immediate look of "you just reprimanded me for helping her last ep and i know why youre doing this rn" lmaoooo)

-LOVE george noticing nick "shout out to jean valjean" lmaooo once again nancy would never have noticed/commented on something like that

-"get the hell out of here" was this foreshadowing for an epic dad joke for these two eps? "how do you make holy water? you boil the hell out of it" 😂😂😂😂

-so what i dont get about the whole haunting is the ball + kids' laughter but its all the emphasis on "mr roper" the adult? wtf like what kind of entity is this

-"how did you ever have a solo career??" 😂

-okay amaya's hair is gorgeous here (also "you feel like a snack" ....👀) *ahhh so the reason bess feels so off balance is bc its like a top vs a top scenario

-has anyone who's ever been to prison confirmed this is what it looks like?

-love how ace is the only employee there when they all leave so he had to fucking close the place when he goes

-why does she take the whole file? time constraints? it'd be smarter to take pics + replace it (better sleuthing) but this place is clearly not well run anyway 😂

-so this is a pretty decent cover she invents but theres no way she would get away with it so easily for a real guard

-love how ace recognizes ryan's car (+ is able to find it by driving around)

-"my father wouldnt do anything like that" LMFAOOOOOO SIS WHY ARE U DEFENDING HIM ironically, ace is actually the best person suited to engage w ryan here d/t the car accident + connection with laura being ryans SIL. its a unique set up

-i am fascinated by the concept of priests + holy water being so effective here combined with mcginnis' beliefs and basically nondenominational ghosts/seances etc after that. the show is very clearly big on diversity but definitely steers clear from too much WASP stuff yk? wonder if other stuff from christianity works against the ghosts/demons like taking refuge in a church "holy ground" or using silver etc

-"did this start after the night of sept 10?" *this is where you get the time line for the seance if you didnt know

-this is so fucking funny when u realize that patient sal talks to is actually a ghost so sal really is psycho i guess 😂

-bitchsplain/tall jar of mayonnaise 🙏🏻😌 2gether 4ever

-how did ace get this van? also heart attack when he yells at carson (but then grins at him like a goofball lmaooo)

-"for nancys sake and yours" damn she owes ace big time for all this shit

-"what do we do for 7 minutes?" ...ummm play 7 minutes in heaven lmaooo 👀🥵

-was not expecting ace to look this sexy holding an axe but okay (*ah, its his short sleeve shirt showing his arms. usually hes a sleeves guy)

-"desperate for attention" nancy (from gomber) vs "bc she's starved for attention" patrice --> lucy (and candace also...) we know nancys detective work makes her seem like an attention seeker, but what was lucy doing to make them all think that? she was trying to hide her relationship with ryan, not expose it. unless they just mean the rumors about her?

-so is patrice hiding lucy's "truth" talking about lucy being a whore or lucy being a ghost? what is lucy's secret? did patrice guess she was pregnant or did patrice's somehow garbled mind remember tiffany trying to show patrice the video with lucy on it?

-wonder what captain thom thinks of this stand off w ace lmaooo

-"like you do?" top v top shenanigans

-how awko for carson to talk to karen again like this

-"oh no" ACE 😂

-love how amaya says "be a human" like shes kind of admitting people in rich circles typically arent (^this is an interesting focus in s2 when bess's rich family rejects her, thus making her human again, but nancy embraces her rich fam and experiences subsequent moral struggle which is predicted with the wraith)

-wonder what ryan thinks he could get from the marvins (which he cant get now lmaooo)

-this damn whisper box. so many questions. who named it the whisper box? why are the ropers' old possessions still there? who decided to build a mental hospital on top of it? and patrice! she "hid lucy's secrets" hannah gruen thinks tiffany tried to show patrice video w lucy on it, which patrice then specifically says she hid in the thin mans book. so patrice knows of the thin man? can she see him? does she know he was a ghost/supernatural? she must have a supernatural sense to know about him (unless sal told or some shit) so then when tiffany shows up w/ lucy being supernatural in it patrice hides it to protect her? is this why she is "crazy" kinda like victoria? supernatural elements or ability to sense ghosts makes her unstable? this is why lucy being a ghost/nursery rhyme that she repeats makes patrice worse/"stroke"? how did patrice even get into the whisper box to put the key in the bible and get out without getting trapped? also, her dementia --> lucidity is really fucking off, some people mildly switch like that but usually with dementia they cant even register new shit anymore

-...so did bess take the ride? 👀

-interesting how celia says "your father will be disappointed" but nothing of her own opinion. wonder how much celia truly puts up with to keep everett calm and nonhomicidal

-like george asking nick follow up questions that nancy never really would have asked

🥞🥞🥞(ep13)🥞🥞🥞

-is this bitch just eating a plain pancake with her bare hand?

-"extra case load and excessive volunteering" ugh. nancy's family here are like, gross in how "good" of people they are // unrealistic, trying to paint carson in the best light/ no way ryan could ever compare (but the reality is theyre not that good of people for lying about nancy) **and shes arrogant to think shes better than everyone else ie the only one who truly lives virtuously, thinks she can do no wrong sometimes even tho using sex to cope, breaking and entering, etc is not morally "good" stuff she still thinks she is the only one who doesnt lie and plays fair (like in the pilot she lists everyone else as a suspect but herself- obviously we know she isnt guilty but no one else does. (i mean in theory we really dont, what if nancy was an unreliable narrator and was actually guilty, that would be a hella cool show)its reactions like that where she cant understand why others like the chief suspect her

-ooooh ironic that in the Good Place carson readily agrees to pay her for helping with cases as opposed to s2 in reality

-nick's house has "problems" so why does he need a lawyer? as opposed to an interior designer, plumber, or realtor?

-in the Good Place nick and george realize they are not going to work out after one date. does this failure in the Good Place predict failure in reality, or merely an easier way of figuring out the truth? does this mean that the "opposite" of the Good Place is reality, or only an opinion of what is better? (nancy says "you all like me" as her opinion of them liking her is skewed; does this then only reflect nancys version for what is the "perfect life"?)

-why is bess a hippie??? and love how george curls her hair and wears pink lipstick here

-if this dream is so realistic then why is the one thing it cant conjure smoke? like how random

-love the locket being a key realization bc with things like jewelry you dont notice the weight of them until theyre gone

-"you all like me" in her perfect life nancy means they "like" her objectively/regardless of circumstance even though liking her is still an objective choice (like they "like" her because of other reasons instead of her working at the claw? (like how you make friends with coworkers/people at school every day but after you leave the job/graduate you never speak to them again) and her "thanks for showing up!" as if theyre not doing exactly that in reality 😐like where is she getting this shit? she sort of acknowledges in earlier eps she is hard to like/that she puts mysteries before friends, but also pushing them away to avoid danger like the previous ep "why do u show up" etc

-is it just me or does the inside of nicks "house" look like the drews'?

-nick has a dick scar lmaooooo (or more likely was hit in the balls or smth)

-love how nick + george match their anger in confronting sal 100% on the same level

-so when did ace go back to work after having such a busy day earlier?? lmaooo

-damn father shane is a creep (casting defo hired him for his voice) and how tf did he just poof + escape? and what did he request???

-love bess's white hair bow here 😌+ her jacket, whole outfit on point as usual

-like how bess is right that nancy has to find her way out but thats kind of a nonstarter for a room full of panicked people wanting to help

-in the Good Place theres no bad blood between drews + hudsons bc nancy is really theirs

-"the only one who has the key is you" in the Good Place nancy has the key (smaller picture, to finding out what happened to lucy but bigger picture, post-reveal) but ryan has the clues nancy needs- following the Good Place's mirroring, this just means that in reality ryan will either be completely useless or an active hindrance (but you KNOW this is a dream bc in what universe would ryan remember clues like that 😂)

-so in a perfect universe ryan acknowledges his family's "criminal empire" as opposed to reality where he only makes under cover jabs about disengaging with being an "entitled corrupt legacy criminal" ie finding the bonny scot relics but does nothing about them, etc

-"strippers" 😂

-okay what is nancys obsession w her beanie?? bc her mom made it? "wear beanies do crimes?" idk

-making the call: nancy -unable to make up for lost time/both her mothers had to find out/suffer alone / in the Good Place nancy was able to be with kate while she called, and in reality she had carson; somethig about seeing the mother looking to the daughter for strength in the Good Place instead of the reverse (which is what reality sounded like, kate being strong for nancy through the illness despite the struggle)

-concept: nancy & nick "let's wait out the storm"

-"i believe that you believe it" nick in the Good Place + owen in reality both trust nancy when she says she's seen things (owen's is the teeth) but nick in reality (and not really knowing details) doesnt think much of their "moment" bc it wasnt real (so she had to leave the Good Place to save carson- but if she had known then he wasnt her real dad, would she have stayed to be w nick?)

-stranger - suede james 💙👌🏻

-"really anxious as a kid" v telling bc of her desire to know everything to remain in control of situations like she always does now

-"the medicine or the metaphysics?"/"you cannot beat supernatural with science"

-i love nancy playing with her pinky while saying goodbye 🥺

-"always seek out the truth even if it hurts" this is straight irony bc kate never told nancy anything. like does that include the truth about nancys parentage? they taught her to seek out the truth, but who taught her that the truth is the only thing to live by? ie things dont count anymore like carson and kate straight up raising her is tossed out bc she finds out its not "the truth" like all that work/stress to protect carson + she just drops him? with kate maybe shes just upset thst she spent all that time mourning for someone who lied. and would she do the same to ryan if needed? probably

-bess and ace head tilt 💙

-like how for all the time she spent there nancy only has a subconscious memory of blue curtains

-YESSSSS i LOVEthese beautiful overhead shots of hannah's hands. so out of character for the show lmao but so gorgeous

-i feel like future eps/grand future will be nancy going through the lock boxes to help people who asked hannah for help

-the video is officially dated Aug 22, 2019

-soooooo in the first ep nancy breaks into the hudsons house and finds tiffanys secret drawer w the nail polish and finds the amulet with a note that says "for your protection HG" yet on this video tiffany says she talked to a medium who gave her the amulet sooooo am i just confused? HG is hannah gruen obvi so is the address for the medium what hannah gave her? or was the address on the amulet which nancy dissolved in salt water to see? so how would tiffany know where to go? its chicken and the egg which came first hannah or the medium?

and lastly:

i close these two eps with a thought that everything in this show is sealed in death. all the lies, the imagery, the fake constructs people put up to get by all crumple the second someone dies- all the secrets come clean just like these doors have been unsealed.

[ironmansuuucks]

🧡Orange Kisses Part 2🧡

dewey finn x reader

heyoo my guys!! this is part two to mines and @thewolfisapartofmysoul​ little dewey finn x reader fic!! this is a super cute and fluffy piece and we hope you all love it hehe🥰

Are you lost?

Orange kisses Part one

and as always this beautiful aesthetic was made by the amazing @thewolfisapartofmysoul​

“I have a surprise for you”

 You knitted your eyebrows and went to speak but Dewey jumped up and you followed suit confused. He began walking over towards his van and your eyes follow him, but he stops and looks at you, grinning to himself. His arms are out reaching towards his scarf that he had situated around your neck. You look down at his hands as they begin to pull the scarf up and over your eyes. “no peeking” he giggles as you hear him walk back towards the van.

You smirk as you hear him fumble around the van doing who knows what, “you trying to kidnap me Mr. Finn?” you joke. You could hear his smile through his words “no but I’m gonna steal your doggo, c’mere gussy boy, c’mere”. You could hear Gus’ paws crunch on the autumn leaves, galloping towards Dewey before they abruptly stopped.

You were anxious. What on earth had he done? A Surprise? You heard him wince as he banged his head on assumingly the roof of the van or something. What was this boy up to? “ok I think that’s it” he started to walk back over to you nervously. “stay boy, stay” he said to Gus. What the hell?

Suddenly you could feel his breath on your skin as his hands touched the scarf. You could smell that sweet Dewey smell again and it settled your nerves, but brought back the butterflies in your stomach.

“okay, you ready?” he questioned with an skittish grin plastered on his face. “I mean as ready as I’ll ever be” you chuckle apprehensively. You could feel Dewey’s energy in the cool air. He was keen, but you could also feel how nervous he was. He gave off this excitable yet flustered vibe.

Dewey slowly removes the scarf from your eyes and the first thing you notice are those gorgeous chocolate brown eyes glistening in the setting sun, paired with the most beautiful goofy grin plastered on his face. You could easily get lost in those eyes.

But suddenly they shifted to the side before bouncing back to you, leading you to the van. You knitted your eyebrows lightly and followed his gaze towards the van.

What initially captured your attention was the twinkling fairy lights, which led your whole body around to face the van. Your eyes lit up as they absorbed the rest of the sight in front of you. It was magical.

Dewey had (attempted to) hang little fairy lights all around the inside of the van. The twinkling LED’s cast a beautiful orange, warm, candle glow around the whole of the inside of the van. They illuminated the white duvet that had been placed in the middle of the van, on top of a bunch of other cosy bright blankets and soft comforters.

On top of those was an array of pretty pillows and coushin’s. They were all spread across the back and sides of the van and they were captivating. It was stunning. So warm, and cute. And of course, to top it off, your beautiful boy Gus was laying in the middle, on top of the duvet, looking like one cosy pupper.  

Dewey hadn’t taken his eyes off of you. He wanted to witness exactly how your features changed as you took in everything he had set up for you. He was nervous as shit. He felt like maybe is was too much too fast? But then was it? So many thoughts flew around his head. Would you like it? Would you think it was weird? Maybe he should just run for the hills out of embarrassment.

But all of those thoughts faded away as he watched your eyes light up, and how the corners of your mouth gradually creeped up in to one of the biggest and most beautiful smiles had ever witnessed. “w-whadda ya think?”.

You continued to look at the little romantic scene in awe “Dewey its.. it’s perfect” you replied breathlessly. You turn and look at his bashful, goofy face and you feel emotions you never have before.

“I mean I-“ he was cut off as you flung your arms around his neck and put yourself flush against his body, your lips finding his instantly. You could feel him smile into the kiss, and the way he started to relax in your grip, feeling relieved. He chuckles as his hands find your waist, happy to feel your lips against his again.

You pull away from him slightly, “thank you.. I love it” you smile sweetly. The bashful look on Dewey’s face would make you melt like butter. His rosy cheeks, and crinkled sparkling eyes, paired with slightly knitted brows and a side smile. You mentally snapped a pic of how cute and bashful he looked in the setting sun.

Suddenly though he pulls away from you “no wait! It gets better!” he exclaims as he bounces over and sits on the end of the van. You chuckle and make your way over to him, standing in front of where he was sitting.

He picks up a rucksack, hidden in the side of the van, behind a few pillows and starts to pull things out. “in here we have the best bit.. I have marshmallows to toast on the fire, popcorn, M&M’s, some hotdogs for dinner and- ooh! Some treats and a can of dog food for Gussie boy!” he turns round and gives Gus a quick scratch on the end and one of the treats “and that’s just for existing bud and being so awesome”. Gus licks his face, “couldn’t forget the best boy could I”.

You smile at how sweet he is to Gus, but you do notice the one bed situation, and the lack of pyjamas to sleep in.

You fold your arms and raise your eyebrow playfully, smirking “only one bed Finn?”. Dewey places the bag back down and goes all flustered and fumbles over his words “uh-uh yeah b-but only cuddles, I promise!”, his little cheeks tinting red. But you had a rule, no hooking up or anything until at least the 5th date. And that was with all guys. And only if the situation felt right. But sweet cuddles with Dewey under the stars? You could let it slide this time since he had went to all this bother for you.

“a-and I even brought you one of my t-shirts and a pair of joggers for you to sleep in see!” Dewey holds up a Led Zeppelin band t-shirt and some grey sweatpants. You smiled at his thoughtfulness, “that’s sweet but I’ll definitely be taking that hoodie you have on so I don’t freeze to death you joke.

“you stealing from me again?” Dewey jokes as you raise your eyebrow. “first my heart, now my hoodie, what’s next? My last name?” he winks, trying to be charming, jokingly of course. You laugh at him and how goofy he is. “naaah I’m just kidding- plenty of time for that” he teases as he pulls your hands so you’re in between his legs as he is situated on the end of the van.

He intertwines his hands with yours as he gazes up into your eyes “you know, when I talk to you, it’s like talking to my best friend, except.. you know, I like you and I get to kiss you and stuff” he says sheepishly.

“you don’t say” you joke as you lean down to kiss him, smiling against his lips.

* * * * *

The night had been perfect, you guys toasted marshmallows, Dewey played guitar for a little while and you had a little cuddle and a make out session under the stars. You couldn’t have asked for a more perfect date. You could feel yourself falling for this dude, hard. He was so kind to you, and amazing to Gus. How did you get so lucky?

You snickered when you came back into the van after your bathroom break. Well... with a lack of bathroom... never mind. 

 You couldn’t help but smile at the sight before you. Dewey had tucked Guss in the bed too... his furry body all under the warm sheets and his nose stuck out on the pillow.

 You looked sternly at Dewey, who had a guilty look on his face. "Hey beautiful... we couldn't leave prince Gus in the cold now, could we?" 

 You rolled your eyes but glanced at your two boys again... and both looked incredibly happy and cozy. You couldn’t decide which one was your favourite at the moment... the love you held for both was equal. 

 You sighed and gave in with a smile and a "...Sure boys..." Dewey cheered and fist bumped with Gus. His nose touched his hand when he held up the knuckle towards your doggo and you snickered. When the hell did he had time to teach him that?!

 You crawled in the improvised bed, craving the warmth that was under the sheets after being in the cold autumn chill for a second. You relished in the comfort of 'your boys'... Dewey on your left, and Gus in your right. You wrapped your arms around Dewey and enjoyed the comforting heat that radiated from his skin. Gosh... that was indeed one hot rock star... you thought to yourself.

 Dewey automatically returned the embrace, wrapping his hands around your lower back, pulling you close, while he threw his leg over yours. He nuzzled his nose at the crook of your neck, and you giggled when his scruff tickled the sensitive skin there. Dewey sleepily trailed little kisses from your neck to your ear. Your neck always was a highly 'sensitive' area... but of course the dork that hugged you was oblivious by that.

 You rolled your eyes when you noticed you held your breath to suppress a moan and you cursed yourself for breaking your own rule. Annoyance at yourself and a flutter in your lower stomachache at the exact same moment. You were slightly relieved as well as dissapionted when the kissing stopped, Dewey’s dark voice filled in the silence when he mumbled: "Hey babe...?"

 You hummed softly in response and Dewey continued: "Can i tell you something? Promise you won't laugh?" You hummed again and Dewey whispered softly in your ear: "You erhm... you make all my dopamine levels go silly..." 

 You laughed and turned to face Dewey. His hands moved immediately to your hips once you were comfortable again, like they belonged there. Dewey gazed into your eyes and you reached out to play with his hair. Dewey mumbled again, still holding your eyes with his piercing soft gaze: "You remind me of mac and cheese..." You giggled and looked at his gleeful mischievous smile: "How so, champ?" Dewey kissed the tip of your nose and continued: "...I love mac and cheese..."

 You rolled your eyes and kissed his lips through your smile, his thumbs tracing circles at your hips. You mumbled through kisses: "What are you trying to tell me Dewey? Try to tell me something romantic..." Dewey pulled back, looked at you with a smug smile and with a wink he replied: "I think you're pretty rad." Gus perked his head up and whined a bit at Dewey's words. You chuckled and whispered to your doggo: "Iknow gussie-boy... he's trying." Dewey quickly replied in a British-Gus-voice: "Well mom... i kind of like this one. He tugs me in and makes you laugh, can we keep him?"

 You were full on laughing right now, threw your head on his shoulder when you lost your shit. This... this man... he really sucked with expressing feelings. But you wouldn't care... you were right were you belonged. Between your two favourite boys in the world. And there wasn't a place you would rather be right now.

 Dewey’s hands traced light patterns on your arms. You shivered at the combination of his intense gaze and his soft strokes. Cursing and welcoming the movements at the same time. Butterflies and giddiness bubbling in your stomach. 

 You kissed Dewey again. And again. And again. And brushed his scruffy cheek with your hand, you looked at him fondly and mumbled to him: "Mac and cheese huh?" Dewey let out a low chuckle in response.  

You turned your head to stage-whisper to Gus "Yeah... i think we can keep him kiddo..." Gus yawned and licked your nose. You turned back to face Dewey, crawled into his warm embrace again and lulled into his ear: "I think you are pretty rad yourself as well... mister Finn..."

 He brushed his calloused fingers through your hair and kissed your forehead: "Pfeww... lucky me... time to get some shut-eye my angel..." He pulled you even closer and mumbled sleepy in your hair: "Goodnight love. Goodnight Gussie." Just before your eyes welcomed the heavy sleep, you managed to mumble back in his shoulder: "...mmyeah... Goodnight my boys..."

 Curious what tomorrow's adventures would bring you. Well... for now you were more then content nuzzling in Dewey’s arms with Gus at your feet, in the warm cozyness of Dewey's improvised camper van. 

 This already was the best date ever. 'Dewey was indeed something special...' your mind told you before you drifted off, safely surrounded by your boys.

  Tags:  @little-miss-shy-goth​​ @paxenera​​ @heknowshisherbs​​ @missihart23​​ @geminiacally​​ @go-commander-kim​​ @gegehaddock​​ @baby-beej​​ @sadpuppetshows​​ @hoodoo12​​ @large-unit​​ @thats-specific​​ @vicunaburger​​ @stranger-strings​​ @bugdrinkss​ @sheinassheina​ @demonwifey​

[booksand-glitter]

She was only 17 when we met.  It’s funny she always looks so cute and soft, like in this pic, wearing frilly pink flowers!  But she was actually a badass inside.  Honestly this pic made me think of it just now, because some sketchy people came out of that van behind us, and she was not perturbed at all, and didn’t seem to care.  She’d seen worse, I’m sure.  Because she had been through a lot in her short life.  Some things happened to her at 16 that were worth reporting to authorities, but never were.  I don’t think her home life was the best...in fact I have some very troubling questions I meant to ask her when we were hanging out alone in person again next...

Anyway.  We met because she was depressed and needed someone to talk to about it.  Me being so very well versed on the subject, I offered an ear.  Her gf at the time was being awful to her. Also At the time, she had not yet come out to her parents.  She loved cooking, baking, being with little kids, collecting wacky socks, and eventually Jesus.  She was always wanting to help people. Almost any time I talked to her about what was going on in her life it involved helping people...whether cooking for her high school, babysitting, being a nanny, or wanting to work with ex-addicts and women in need.  She had a huge heart.  

She was sober when I met her- hadn’t even drank alcohol or smoked weed yet.  The first person I remember her doing drugs and drinking with was a girl named Haley.  Haley had an older sister that bought them all the booze they wanted.  And Em started dating a shithead coke dealer - I only knew that because of his criminal record and my working in the courts at the time.  I am pretty sure he beat her, too.  Either way, she fell in with cokehead losers and picked up a lot of bad habits.

Nonetheless, she graduated high school, she went to recovery (well, a few recoveries) and ended up living in Arizona where the recovery center had been.  She was working again in a giving/caring capacity, and it seemed that she loved it.  However, ASU is the top party school in the country, so obviously the city around it is going to be a party (i.e., druggie) city.  Plus, AZ also has the most rehab centers in the country.  So mixing partiers plus addicts makes it a horrible place for an ex-addict to live.  I didn’t want her living there at all, but stuff was too strained with her family to come back home.  She got in trouble on the ASU campus at one point, though I don't recall why.  Suffice it to say, she did not meet many good people during her time in Arizona, and her gfs there were all junkies and abusive.  

We talked earlier this month.  :) She had posted on Facebook about possibly moving back here!  I was stoked!  I texted her right away to get details, but she said it would probably be a year out still.  I was bummed, but we made plans to hang out again when she came to visit, like I did last time.

And then two weeks later I read on Facebook...her mom posted something about Em being with the Angels or with God....I didn’t believe for about 5 minutes.  I honestly kept being really confused like maybe it wasn’t THIS Em it was another Em that kinda looked like her and maybe her name isn’t even Em, maybe I’m having a blonde moment!  But, once I got past that denial, I was bawling.  I really still can’t believe it.  She was so fuckin young!  She had so much love left to give.  I am almost certain it was an overdose, but, I don’t know of course.  I hope her mom posts when the memorial is.  How do we even do funerals and memorials during this pandemic?  I miss her.  I only knew her 5 years but she was a fun, adventurous, beautiful , kind girl and I wanted to see her grow up and finally enjoy life and find a real gf and she would have been such an amazing mother.  How sad.  Everything is tragedy.  I hate this timeline.

[kazamastar]

Welcome to 2019

Version 3.0 : Final Version - Wow. February and finally, the 9th is here. All of you my 488 followers can finally enjoy it (372 by the end of 2017). I’ve never been that late to write a sum up but it’s pretty obvious that if it took me so much time to do it, then deep down I didn’t want to do it. Indeed I was about to let that sink in and leave this post with the version 2.0. But I remembered I had one person to honor. And this is what this year 2018 is about : focusion on the good actions and the good people. Because spoiler alert : this year 2018 have been on some other level of shit. More than 2013, 2014 and 2017 combined.

Pic : Plot twist. No more smile. No more bowtie.

Well let’s do some quickmaths : as i said we upgraded from 372 to 488 followers (and roughly 2,241 posts). For the 9th time I have to say that I have mad love for y’all (except fake pr0n blogs, y’all aint shit). For the humans that still follow me : thank you. And I’ll have even more love for the poeple who read this until the end haha. I have to apologize because these last months my tumblr looks pretty much like a mess, between the heartbreaking lyrics, quotes, passive agressive posts than only a few people can understand ... And that’s all because of that one follower I lost (y’all understood it was an euphemism). But to be accurate, I don’t want this post to become another heartbreak post : there are already too much of them on my tumblr. Indeed, it’s one of the main contraints I forced myself to write under. Because “l’art naît de contraintes” (Art rises from contraints) like Van Gogh said. So : not another heartbreak post where I pour my heart out for a girl who won’t even read it (guess I’ve done enough with the Helsinki post).  But it’s kinda difficult because this break up is the main reason my 4 last months of 2018 (and on...) have been so so awful and so much things happened because of this. But nevermind I’ll do my best. I’ll do my best because like I said, this post is more about love. This break up surely made me less human, mistrustful, but still, I’m writting because I’ve seen beautiful actions that had to be honored. But we’ll see that later. What other contraints for this 9th sum up ? A young lady I’ve met this year challenged me to write 2 good things for 1 bad that happened to me this year. I’m sorry, I failed ahah. I found more good than bad, but that 2 for 1 ratio was a bit too much ahah. Désolé ma grande ;) And because of this, I had to have a kind of draft for writting, even though I always told myself these sum up needed to be written without drafts, to keep them kinda “natural”. Looks like I’m taking this more and more seriously haha. Well, when I say that this year have been worse than my 3 worst years combined this is not a joke. Have you ever told yourself for example “Wow I left all my stuff in the car, I would be deadly unlucky if someone would break into it and stole everything !” ...Yes, that’s that level of mischance. Because this happened to me btw. And that’s the spirit of this whole year. In “Welcome to 2016″ I remember talking about “mala suerte” ... that was bullshit, 2018 is the real mala suerte. The heartbreak of this year is the worst of my whole life by far, then I’ve been close to what I dreamt of in karate, what I fight for since 2011, had 2 chances to get it this year and I still not got it by a hair’s breadth. Dad got into a crash car, hopefully only the car got wrecked. (so sad it won’t take me again to Andorra haha) People kept on deceiving me. Close friends but also unknowns.

People close to me know how much I cherish friendship. If you’re my friend and you’re not doing well, then I’m already on my way to yours to fix you. No exceptions. Even faster if it’s because of a heartbreak, because heartbroken people should never feel lonely. It’s that simple. SO when I see fuckers I have been there for through ups, downs and heartbreaks and these people are not even able to give it back to me I can’t help being mad. And I don’t act like that in order to make people give that kindness back to me, that’s not the purpose. But I do hate ungratefulness. So, I had to go through a heartbreak again and I saw people disappear again. So that’s enough lines wasted talking about these people. I also have to talk about those who were there. In 2018 I also found an awesome training partner and got closer to her clan. That’s a positive energy I really needed on that 2nd half of 2018. Par ailleurs, tu liras surement jamais ça mais je me permets une parenthèse pour te dire encore une fois Merci Julie pour avoir sauvé ma vie. This kind of old friendship is priceless to me. We can also talk about some young friendship : in march I met someone (almost my best 2018, except I didn’t manage to define an encounter good enough to define it as the best of 2018) who made me go deeper into Tekken, making me getting closer to the Tekken community in Tls. Funny how I always dreamt of this when I was a kid and this is happening. Indeed I’m living the shonen life : I’m in a group (where I met some really lovely people), I’m not the strongest but hell I do what I can to improve and that’s begining to pay even if i won’t forget the 68-0 against sensei, and like in karate I still aim to the top. It’s funny to be inside another competitive world where people don’t have all the values we have in karate. Some of these Tekken people (in the whole country, not only in Toulouse) show off, are mean to each other etc ... And also like in karate, we admire asians for being the best to do it in the whole world. What else ? I became a karate teacher. Took me a bit of time, it wasn’t hard but just took me time and dedication. I still met some great people all along this experience. I made peace with the old pals, vacays together were really incredible. Some of the sweetest days of this year. One of the sweetest day this year was the day I worked hard as hell and went back “home” to the one I love. What a lovely feeling. But I guess we didn’t lived it the same way ... Then, I also had the chance to make a karate lesson in the 1st place I’ve been taught karate !!! This was outstanding because I love to give back to those who gave me, and I love to inspire people. So, it was such a pleasure to tell these kids “I was standing where you are now. I started like you and I’ve been getting stronger and stronger. If I did it you can do it too !!!”. I truly believe some of those kids are about to be deadly strong, hopefully I’ll be done with competition haha. Talking about competition, i sadly lost my title in Andorra by mid June.  At the end of the competition, I promised to come back stronger and to revenge but there will be no revenge as this competition will not be repeated in 2019. Indeed, this Andorra 2018 was a great competition and a great trip. A cool trip, great team, great mates, a lot of alcohol, a good hotel room, and love ... so much love. A deadly hangover, but a lot of love. Sadly, there would not have been love again, as 1414 who was my coach for the weekend, my partner on the tatami and in life decided to take a different path from mine. Indeed, I promised to not talk too much about that but this is all the 2nd half of 2018 is about : me trying not to drown because of this heartbreak and it feels like everything is related to that. I got cocky and forgot the 1st and only love lesson my father taught me “nothing lasts forever, mostly in love”. Damn he was right. Even my mother was right for not trusting her at the begining, and God knows she’s never right usually. I won’t even mention what that break up costed me. But as the big bro says : there were no house, no kids, no joined bank account ... Only wasted times and dead dreams now. “La mort d’un rêve” ... it’s still something painful. S. is now a dead dream. I cannot imagine my own flesh meeting some destructive people like the ones I met and going through hard times like I’m going through. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. So no more S. and no more L., and it’s a hell of a problem as I’ve always built my life around the fact that I wanted them. And it’s painful because I wanted them with her. Nevermind, no one will ever know “what a great father I could be” as 1414 said. So much dreams. Gone. My 5 brothers took care of me as much as they could and they did amazingly great. I’ll never thank God enough for putting these guys into my life. Hope they know how much I love them. That was sad to see another one of them going back to his motherland but ... what an amazing last evening in Toulouse we spent. I’ll never forget this one.

Still talking about the break up and all the bad that happened this year : tbh I couldn’t draw good lessons from all of these bad things. Really. But like I said, I’ve seen good things coming from good people. So now I need to talk about 27. First of all, 27 was right on so many levels. (yes, I use numbers to not drop real names). Those who know me know that I love to experience, live everything. I would have been better without this heartbreak but still, it taught me new things. I could understand 27 better. When she talked about hell, she wasn’t joking at all. The doubts, the negativity, the hate, self-hate ... I think that’s too much to handle. But still, she still tried to help me when she saw me going through that hell. I couldn‘t thank her enough for this and that must be remembered. This is the whole reason I still wanted to write this sum up, in spite of all the bad things that happened. It was like : a soul lending a hand to another soul. Merci. Je ne l’oublierai jamais, je t’en dois une belle. Et toujours d’une âme à une autre. Tu dis le contraire mais tu as une belle âme et je suis sûr qu’il te reste beaucoup d’amour à donner. Tu as trop à donner à ce monde (en espérant que tu me lises un jour)

Also, I could understand 26 better. [...] And 26 still have the most beautiful smile in the whole world. No transition : Najwa Zebian said that « it’s unfair that new people in my life will have to destroy walls around me they didn’t even built » (btw I love this woman, she also had a big impact on my life through her reflexions) and I can tell she’s right but … trusting people is so hard these days. I really don’t know what to think about this statement. I think I’ve always been picky about who I let close to me and I still got fucked up by my ex-lover, my entourage … It’s all about who to trust, who to let in and who to cut … And it feels like I’ve been making the wrong decisions for years.

It’s starting getting late so let me end up with facts nobody cares. Neutral facts : I discovered lofi this year, my hero academia (FUCKING AWESOME !!!!), Tokyo Ghoul, 7DS, sword art online (great !!), la casa de papel, stranger things, sherlock, IP MAN 3, the good place, misfits, Juice Wrld blew up this year, NAV, Dosseh ... Funny how I discovered some of the saddest love song this year haha. Bad facts : I got injuried a lot. Females still played me a lot. Indeed I realized females are cruel but I still love them. This might be the proof we don’t chose our sexual orientation haha. Then, I couldn’t train properly from Sept to Dec. Oh, I can’t listen anymore to : Nicki, Kehlani, Rihanna or Cardi B. “More life” or “Views from the 6″ are albums I can’t listen to anymore. Well, GOOD FACTS now ! : Got a karate gi from J. (outstanding move), I put the young bloods in high school at Tekken and mangas haha. I met 80′s family and it was like a dream and I’m sure I got luckied in another dimension haha. 80 and 90 are still close to perfection in my eyes. 30 is still 30, with good and bad moods. I’m in peace with the sensei. I also received one of the best gift of my life. I learned that I was able to train by myself thanks to my power of mind !  To finish, I saw that I was able to forgive and still give love, even if it was pointless and too late.

Well, 2019 has already started and this will sure be a hell of a ride (January was ... special) as now I’m like on some quicksand shit. Let’s go ! And let’s not forget those 2018 that marked this year and I’ll surely be listening to in a decade (you need to know that I still listen to all the songs in the previous sum ups !). Enjoy :)

2018 Playlist

Dvsn - The morning after

Youv Dee - Opening

Tory Lanez - 48 floors

Roy Woods - Instinct feat MadeInTYO

XXXTENTACION - SAD!

Damso - Smog X Kyle - Ikuyo

Dosseh - Cœur de pirate X Guordan Banks - Keep you in mind

Marwa Loud - Je voulais (feat Laguardia)

Bazzi - Honest X Omar Kadir - The last thing I do

Oboy - Nuit X NAV - What I need

The Magician - Love break feat Hamza

Dinos - Les pleurs du mal

⚡ Dinos - Helsinki X Logic - The Glorious Five X Laylow - Digitalova ⚡

(Albums :6lack - East Atlanta love letter X Juice WRLD & Future - Wrld on drugs X Tory Lanez - Love me now & memories don’t die)

[nightglider124]

Japan: My Trip

Thought I’d put together a little photo diary of my two weeks in Japan because why not and I just like to share with my tumblr pals.

Read on to find out what I got up to.

Sunday 13th May

This was the day I flew out to Japan. I packed my bag and was ready to leave at 11am UK time. I’m not gonna lie to ya’ll, I was an emotional mess, leaving my family behind. 

You should know, I’ve never been on a trip without my family and I’ve never been out of Europe. So, going out to Japan with just my best friend was a big thing for me. So, was pretty tearful and then my mum like burst into tears; she’s a worrier. 

Anyway, my dad dropped me off at the airport to meet my bestie and we did all the boring airport stuff and soon enough, we were on the plane. The sky is ridiculously pretty at different times during an overnight flight or at least, a flight that crosses different time zones. 

Pretty uneventful. I mostly ate, slept and wrote chapter 1 of CTD: Bound. 

Monday 14th May

So, I arrived in Japan’s Narita airport at 11am.

Then I went up and grabbed my suitcase as well as going and grabbing my pocket wifi - Something that is tremendously helpful if you go to Japan. I don’t know what it’s like for you guys but in London, I pretty much have wifi anywhere I go whereas in Japan, it wasn’t as easy to come across; at least not for free. 

The pocket wifi was a godsend. It can connect up to 10 devices and it lasts all day long when fully charged. Now, there were a couple times it tapped out but you just need to turn it off and turn it on again. 

It cost about £60 for 2 weeks but if you’re going with people, it works out better. Me and my friend split it so we only paid £30 each but very worth it.

But, yeah, defo recommend this for anyone who is going to Japan. It was a big help, especially when needing to look up locations and/or directions.

Next, we went and grabbed our Japan rail passes which look like so:

This was probably the best thing I bought for Japan. Not even joking. 

Even if you aren’t going very far, this thing helps so much. It’s a pass that allows you to use any trains that are owned by the JR company which is a fair amount that helps you get around Tokyo and surrounding districts. Note: You have to buy it before you fly to Japan and take the exchange form that comes in the post with you to Japan. You exchange it at the airport and they give you the passes above. Just make double sure your passport has been stamped because otherwise, they won’t let you have it. 

Anyway, this was £310 for 2 weeks but again: WORTH IT. It does depend on what you’re doing but me and my friend were out and using transport every single day. We also went far. We went to Hiroshima, Kyoto and Osaka - All covered by the passes. And for example, £310 is basically a return ticket to Kyoto so you are already making your money back. 

So, we picked these up and using them, hopped on the shinkansen (bullet train) to Shinjuku (Sound familiar, Titan fans? Yes, it’s the ‘roughest part of town’ according to Robin in the Trouble in Tokyo movie). It took about an hour and then we checked into our hotel which was: Shinjuku Prince Hotel.

It was a really nice hotel actually. The staff were friendly and spoke really good English. I recommend staying here; it’s right in the heart of busy Shinjuku and was only 5 mins from the station. We booked a deluxe twin room because two rooms worked out more expensive and it was not too shabby at all. I didn’t actually take any pictures so I snubbed some off google.

Anyway, we were running a little late and we had tickets to the Studio Ghibli museum so naturally, I was freaking out because the website expresses that they are strict on being on time for your slot. I nearly had a breakdown because... dunno if ya’ll remember but I had a right time trying to get a hold of these tickets. They sell out so quickly it is unreal. Anyway, our slot was 4pm and they only allow you to be 30 mins late. 

We arrived at 4:50pm and I was close to tears as I ran into the park it’s situated in. I was so annoyed and so scared they weren’t going to let us in. But...

They did!! The guy was so sweet; I think he could see by my face how much I wanted to go inside. He was like all smiley and was like it’s okay, go on in. I was like THANK YOU JESUS. Here are some photos:

They don’t allow photography inside to preserve the magic of visiting. And honestly, it was so nice inside. It felt just like a Ghibli movie and seeing the animation process and the short film and the original drawings... it was all so amazing. Being a Ghibli fan makes this 1000% better but it’s still great for people who aren’t as into it. My friend isn’t really into Ghibli movies but she thought it was still pretty cool whereas there was me in like awe over all of it.

Anyway, we stayed there about an hour and as you can imagine, we were frazzled af. We were tired from the flight but I wanted us to force ourselves to stay up so jet lag wasn’t as much a problem. 

After, we made our way back to Shinjuku where I took some pics from my hotel room:

Then we grabbed some McDonalds which was literally just across from us; something quick so we didn’t starve. I facetimed my family, showered and fell asleep.

Tuesday 15th May

So, the first full day we were there, it was a more chilled, sightseeing day. Nothing too taxing and we felt a lot more refreshed after a proper sleep.

First, we went and checked out the Tokyo Imperial Palace which was really pretty but we couldn’t go inside. It was mega hot the entire time we were in Japan; I thought I’d die. I hate the heat.

And because I was out in the heat all day and didn’t think to put suncream on... yeah, you can see where this is going... 

More on that later, because then we carried on to the Yasukuni shrine which is just down the street from the East Gardens of the palace. 

The shrine was cool and everything was so pretty; very tranquil and peaceful.

In the afternoon, we headed over to the Sunshine City mall in Ikebukuro where I forced my friend into the Pokemon Centre Store which was LIT.

I was fucking excited, ya’ll. I got some really cute stuff too. Got myself some Mimikyu chopsticks, an Eevee tail key holder, a Pikachu glasses case, a Pikachu makeup bag and a little Mimikyu figure bc Mimikyu is a fave and I have no cool stuff with it on. 

I also got my brother most of his souvenirs in here because we have loved Pokemon since the dawn of time. I mean, we’ve fallen out of it in recent years because all the new gen pokemon etc... we’re more for the original pokemon and original series and games. Seriously, when kids come up to me like, do you even know Pokemon I’m like bitch step back you don’t even KNOW. It’s like I got a Pokemon CD for my brother and it had a japanese version of one of the songs from the first movie and we were like screaming. That film man, don’t even look at me.

Ahem... the Pokemon store was so wicked but mega expensive like shit son. Glad I took so much money with me because I NEEDED IT.

After the Pokemon store, we went down a level to the Studio Ghibli store where I didn’t get as much stuff as I thought I was gonna. 

But, I got a Spirited Away fan with No Face on it, a Totoro and No face figure as well as a Totoro bib and hat for my niece. 

Then we went and had fooood where I noticed... I was extremely sunburnt... Like in the below pic, you can’t see it that much because it hadn’t really come out full pelt yet.

Pls ignore my hamster face but see my chest? Burny burny burnt burnt. I got back to the hotel later that night and I had the shakes where it was hot and all the heat was there rather than all over. It was horrible.

I’m lucky I decided to wear full on makeup that day otherwise my face would have gotten buuurnt. Well done, Estee Lauder foundation, well done.

But yeah, it wasn’t the best end to the day because then I was all uncomfortable and my skin was sensitive and I was mad at myself for not putting on cream so then I got all upset and cried but I think I was still tired from the journey too and I was overwhelmed but yeah; kinda sucked.

Other than the sunburn, I also didn’t pack shorts for under my dress so my thighs rubbed and were in agony as well as my vans gave me like 4 blisters on each foot so I couldn’t walk or at least was in extreme pain when I tried so getting back to the hotel was a damn hoot.

Besides all that, it was a pretty good day!

Wednesday 16th

This was the day we trekked all the way down to Hiroshima which is like a 5 hour journey by train. We had to take two trains but it was actually not too bad. It certainly didn’t feel like it took that long to get down to Hiroshima. 

One thing I will say about longer train journeys; remember to reserve a seat. Some like the one from Narita Airport are reserve only so you have to reserve a seat for it. But, others don’t need it and have “non reserved” cars but mark my words, if you’re travelling on these trains at a busy time, it really pays off to reserve a seat. We didn’t for Hiroshima and whilst we found seats for the 3 hour part of the journey; on the second train, we had to stand for like 45 minutes because there were no seats and then even when we did get to sit down, it was separated so yeah; book your train seats, people.

Once we arrived in Hiroshima, we hopped on a ferry which took us to Miyajima island. It’s about a 10 minute journey and once again, it’s covered by the JR pass. I loved that thing to death not even kidding.

Here’s some pictures I took on the ride over:

This island is home to the big red Torii gate that people may know of. I picked up some cute souvenirs and ate katsu. And there were even deer roaming around the place! A couple got married too whilst we were visiting and it was so nice. Again, it was mega hot so I was dying from that aspect but otherwise, I could live on this little island.

Unfortunately, we spent so much time at the island; we didn’t get round to doing the two other things we had planned which were seeing Hiroshima Castle and the Atomic dome memorial. I was kinda bummed by not seeing those but the last train was at 5pm and we weren’t staying the night so we had to get said train. It was okay though; it’s something to add to the list of things to see when I eventually revisit.

We got back at about 10pm and then it was lights out because we were exhausted.

Thursday 17th May

This was another sightseeing day that was fairly local considering we were pretty tired from Hiroshima still. 

We traveled over to Asakusa which has the lovely Senso-ji temple and shrine. It was really cute, the walk up to the temple is lined with all these little shops and souvenir like places which have charms and fans etc. Really nice.

Inside, they do this thing where you pay 100 yen and you shake a metal box that contains lots of sticks with numbers on. When you bring out a stick, you find the number it matches and you bring out the fortune. You get a good fortune, regular fortune or bad fortune. I got myself a regular ol’ fortune XD. 

But, they also have this rack so that if you get a bad fortune, you tie it to the rack to rid yourself of the bad fortune whereas a good or regular one; you would carry it with you.

Other than that, we hung out and then went back to our hotel for a while before heading out again to check out the nightlife of the area. Everything was mega lit up and was so nice. We went and grabbed dinner and also went and got crepes. They were a m a z i n g. Like they were so good ugh. 

After that, went back, showered and slept. Pretty uneventful day; just being touristy. 

Friday 18th May

Again, more sightseeing on this day. We went and saw the Tokyo Metropolitan Building and looked out over Tokyo.

Then, we went to the Meiji Shrine.

Aaand lastly, we went to Shibuya for the evening.

Yes, those are people dressed as characters from Mario Kart driving in the streets of Tokyo. This place was crazy. XD

After seeing the crossing scramble that is so infamous, we trekked back to the hotel and fell asleep.

Saturday 19th May

This day we literally went on trains all day to collect stamps. In Japan, they do these things called Eki stamps which are stamps you can find at stations, museums, shrines, tourist spots etc.

I haven’t got any pictures of mine but i got like 50 of them whilst I was in Japan. Going on one train line at all the stops got me like 30. 

We had nothing else planned on this day so my friend suggested the collecting stamps XD.

Sunday 20th May

This was one of my two absolute favourite days whilst I was there. It was the day I went and saw Mt Fuji and went into Aokigahara forest. 

It was approx 2 hours from Tokyo but we’d booked a tour instead of trying to do it ourselves. It worked out a lot easier. When we reached the highest point you can go to on Mt Fuji, by vehicle anyway, we had 30 mins to sightsee. We took pictures and went into the souvenir shop etc. 

My god, it was so frickin’ cold up there. Obviously. We were high off the ground like shit, it was freezing. But, pretty pictures.

We then went caving in an ice cave that is iced over all year round and is not usually open to the public. 

After that, we were taken back to Shinjuku where we grabbed food and went back to sleeeep.

Monday 21st May

We went to Kyoto on this day. We managed to see all we wanted to as well but then again, Kyoto was only a 2 and a bit hour train ride away.

When we got there, we saw the Fushimi Inari Taisha.

They were pretty but boy, was there a lot of people. I had to wait for so long to get pictures with none of very few people in it.

Then, we headed over to Kinkaku-ji which is this golden temple.

Again, very pretty.

Lastly, we checked out the Arashiyama Bamboo grove which was pretty also.

After that, we headed home to our hotel. We had an exciting day the next day.

Tuesday 22nd May

TOKYO DISNEYLAND, BITCHES.

I was excited and I can see why people hype Disneyland up. No matter which one you visit, there is this big sense of nostalgia and magic. It was unforgettable and wasn’t half as busy as some theme parks get here. But, I suppose we did go on a Tuesday.

Would hate to see it on a weekend.

The mike melonbread was delicious <3

Disneyland catered to the childish side of me and I loved every single bit of it. <3

Wednesday 23rd May

On this day, we visited Osaka which is about the same sorta time out from Tokyo as Kyoto is. Again, not too much going on. We checked out Osaka Castle.

And then, we checked out Dotonbori which was also very cool.

After that, we headed back to Tokyo. There wasn’t too much we were desperate to see in Osaka and it was raining which wasn’t the nicest.

Thursday 24th May

Last full day meant Harajuku and Shibuya for shopping day. I haven’t got any pictures but omg we went and did those purikura photo things? They are hilarious. It was funny doing them but even looking at them; they funny XD

I bought a bunch of stuff for myself as well as my family as souvenirs. It was funnn. 

Friday 25th May

The day I flew home to London :(. I was sad to leave Japan but I was really happy to be coming home. No matter how much you may call your country a shit place, there’s no place like home. 

Omg, I went over my bag weight limit with all the stuff I bought. I’m allowed 23kg and my suitcase was 27kg -.-

I paid £65 for that extra weight because I was not about to be that person who opens their suitcase in the middle of check in trying to decrease the weight XD

Pretty straight forward afterwards. I flew home and when I got to my house, my family let me have reign on dinner so we got KFC.

So, that is what I got up to in Japan. I loved every minute I was there. It is so very different than London and it has much more beauty than any city I’ve been to has.

I can’t wait to go back someday and I encourage anyone and everyone to go there. It is something else! <3

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end! I appreciate it ^.^

[cheollies]

Fanboy!Jihoon

requested by: many many many people who have waited so long for this moment. I finally bring you fanboy Jihoon

is so dead silent about being a fanboy

Jihoon doesn’t even talk about it unless someone asks him

he’s so lowkey about it

people wouldn’t even know he was a fanboy until they discovered his playlist or phone background

and honestly his phone background isn’t even an obvious picture of you, it’s a picture that’s taken of your back standing in front of the ocean

and Jihoon gets flustered every time someone asks who it is and he’s contemplating whether he should say it’s his bias or his girlfriend so he doesn’t seem creepy by having you as his background

won’t say he ‘likes’ or ‘loves’ you because it sorta makes him uncomfortable

But catch him screaming that you’re the best in the whole group at Seungcheol

lets see, how he found you?

he was getting really annoyed at work because his coworkers kept nonstop talking about this new trainee survival show

and they kept bugging him about it, telling him to watch it and he’s all like ‘no i don’t want to waste my time on that’

But he gets bugged about it so much he’s screams ‘FINE’

he watches it that night, thinking he wouldn’t get hooked and he could finally tell his co workers that the show was dumb

but then

BUT THEN

he sees this really small awkward looking girl step out onto the stage, you’re alone, and it’s really quiet, and you start off singing slowly and in a very mellow tone and then it happens, this sudden power in your vocals comes out and the beat just suddenly picks up and you’re giving the camera a very nice smirk before it shifts to someone else in your group

and Jihoon is just, jaw dropped because wow you had vocals

he really wanted to watch more but it was midnight and he had work at six in the morning

so he struts into his workplace, still shook by your vocals, and ready to talk about the show and then he hears it

‘can you believe y/n got eliminated from the show’

‘WHAT THE FUCK’

Everyone stares at Jihoon who is facing the horrid realization and everyone is just ‘you okay?’

and jihoon just sits in the break room for a solid five minutes and he honestly can’t believe it and he’s in denial because who would want to give up your power vocals

Actually keeps up with you after that

like he finds out what company you’re from and he’s just sitting there

Waiting for any sign from you

Because he needs more

and finally, after much anticipation, he see’s it, the headlines stating you would be debuting in a thirteen member girl group

kinda salty though because ‘she totally could have been a solo artist’

because you were previously on a show, and you made it pretty far, your company made you the front of the group

you were the most popular because of this, and Jihoon really doesn’t care since all he really wanted was to hear your voice

again he wasn’t one to show that he really really liked you

but it so happened that your group was having an outdoor event to promote the group, and the event would be near him

so there he was, standing in a small crowd since you guys weren’t known yet

and it’s summer but he has a sweatshirt on, and the hood is up which is covering his hat that he wore

he just really doesn’t want anyone to know he’s there

but someone approaches him, and the man is smiling ear to ear ‘is this where the rookie group is performing’

and Jihoon mutters a small ‘yeah’

And Jihoon thinks the guy is gonna leave but he stays and he’s like ‘who’s your bias, i don’t have one yet, there’s thirteen members how do you choose one’

and Jihoon is just staring at this man who keeps grinning, and his eyes are so slanted and small that when he smiles you can’t see his eyes

‘I like y/n’ is what Jihoon responds with and he thinks maybe the conversation will be over but nooo

‘y/n? Aw, she has really good vocals, i saw her on the survival show, her song on the second episode was amazing’

and honestly Jihoon gets this bubbily feeling inside because you’re being recognized for your vocals and he’s so happy so he’s looking at the guy, and Jihoon is just off now, he’s talking about your vocals, and your strength and your tones and he’s so into appreciating you

this is how he meets Soonyoung

and while he’s talking, a van pulls up, and he stops mid-sentence, to watch as you gracefully step out of the vehicle and he’s so breath taken, he’s so into staring, he doesn’t make a sound like the other people, he just stares

He’s so silent throughout the whole performance, he just wants to sit and listen to your voice

Jihoon is so into your voice okay, his eyes are so concentrated on you with his ears perked up because he just wants to catch everything in your voice

He gets kinda sad though when you’re leaving bc he wants to keep hearing you sing but he watches you go with such a sad sinking feeling

all of a sudden, Jihoon finds himself roped into getting food with Soonyoung

He’s watching the excited boy eat while vigorously talking about the performance and for some reason, Jihoon kind of enjoys it

He’s one of the original members of the groupchat that Soonyoung added him too

Jihoon is still kinda lowkey about it but that doesn’t stop everyone from sending a thousand pics of you and making his heart actually hurt

woke up one day to over a hundred messages with everyone asking if he was okay, and Jihoon is so confused until he notices the notification that you posted and it was a video of you doing a solo cover

And Jihoon is watching it so intently that he doesn’t even notice that a small tear is welling up in his eyes

And he’s so hurt????? He doesn’t know, he wanted this so much but at the same time he wasn’t prepared for it

it takes him like 2 hours to answer the messages because he spent those 2 hours watching your cover on repeat

he’s embarrassed meeting you faced to faced.

Seungcheol managed to get him into a fansign

and he’s so so so anxious when he’s nearing the stage

He didn’t know what he should bring you so he got you this brown leather notebook because he saw how you had participated in writing lyrics for the songs and he thought maybe you would like a notebook

and he’s so nervous, even sitting in front of the other members he becomes so nervous

But when he reaches you, god, he’s so, he doesn’t know what to say or what to do, he’s slow motion sitting in his chair as he stares at you because ‘wow’

You smile at him and he swears he hears his heart breaking into beautiful pieces, and when you say ‘hi’

He can only let out a very tiny ‘hello’

He hands you the notebook with such shaky hands and you look at it puzzled before he spits out in a very stuttering voice ‘it’s for you to write lyrics in, you participated in writing lyrics for the song so i just assumed’ his voice draws to a silence because you end up smiling really really big and he only recalls seeing you smile like this in photos and videos

‘Wow! You’re a lifesaver, I ran out of room in my notebook right now. I’ll make sure to use this very well’

and Jihoon kind of sinks at that moment

He doesn’t actually expect you to use it, he kind of thinks maybe you’d just toss the notebook elsewhere and forget about it

But flash forward one month later, you go on vlive, and you’re doing a solo one very late at night

and it’s a quiet one where you say that you miss everyone

Jihoon is watching and he’s so struck by your natural beauty

‘Someone just asked what i’m doing’

And then, AND THEN

You pull out the brown leather notebook, showing everyone the cover of it while cutely giggling and saying ‘i’m writing some lyrics for our next comeback. A fan gave me this notebook, isn’t it pretty’

Jihoon is shaking, he’s so frickin shook okay, even after the vlive ends he’s sitting in his room, staring at the ceiling with a thought that’s like ‘did that actually happen‘

He doesn’t tell anyone that that was his gift

He just really appreciates knowing that you have it and that you’re treasuring it

He’s even happier that you’re using it to write about music

All in all, Jihoon truly treasures and cares for you. And he just really wants what’s best for you and he may or may not cry a lot in his room because of how pretty you are but it’s okay. He’s your number 1 quiet fan!!

[lindoig8]

Thursday to Sunday, 26-29 August

Thursday

We had a leisurely start with a cooked brekky, but then packed up and were soon on the road again heading west and south towards the Bungle Bungles. It was an uneventful drive down and we were all set up on our site by about 3pm. Despite the drive being uneventful, it was still quite interesting. The scenery was great and varied and some of the nearby hills were quite spectacular. We drove through open grassland, scattered trees, wooded areas, and an interesting variety of rocky hills and grassy ranges, often quite close to the road. The variety of landscape, particularly the hills and rocks is quite wonderful, but it is one of those things that can’t really be described. You need to experience it. It is more than just the visual scene, the massive size and shape of the hills. It is also about the wonderment of how they came into being, thinking about their origins as liquid rock, hundreds or even thousands of metres underground, possibly a very long way from where they are now, with huge variations in the strata, the orientation, the permutations that have occurred over the thousands of millennia – it is all quite mind-boggling. I have very few landscape photos because I can’t take pics when I am driving – and I can’t keep stopping every kilometre or two to snap yet another gobsmacking hill, valley, tree, bird, or whatever. Heather takes lots of impromptu pics through the windscreen or from her side window and some of them end up on her blog or FB page. On the other hand, I see all the wonders she photographs, but I don’t get to record many of them – and sadly, even the best photos don’t even start to do justice to the scene. I am increasingly finding that looking at the beauty, or starkness, or whatever, evokes emotions of awe or wonder, amazement or pleasure: so many primeval feelings that somehow lock me into the history or origins of what I am looking at – and photos can never convey that.

It was hot – it has been in the high 30s for all of the past week or more – so it is much more comfortable in the car with the air conditioner on (or in the van if we have AC power) but I still went birding around the caravan park in the late afternoon. I didn’t see a lot, but just exploring and hoping to see something unusual is a lot of fun for me.

Friday

We visited the Bungle Bungles today. Four years ago, we flew around them, but today (and tomorrow), it is a ground level experience. The Visitors’ Centre is 52 kilometres from the caravan park over an atrocious track. The first 12-15 kilometres is not too bad, but from then on it is relentless corrugations, areas of horrific stony track that threaten to rip your tyres to pieces, six water crossings (longest probably only 50-60 metres and 450 centimetres deep so all very easy for our beast), but some stretches are all sharp bends, surprise dips, and steep blind crests, often very narrow and the driver needs 100% concentration all the time. We paid our fees and made a few purchases at the Visitors’ Centre and then headed north. There are basically two accessible areas to visit – one 19 kilometres north of the Visitors' Centre and the other 27 kilometres south – and we went north today and south tomorrow.

The roads inside the National Park are not much better than the track in, but we arrived at the Echidna Carpark within about two and a half hours of leaving the caravan. There are several walks at both the north and south areas, but given the heat, we limited ourselves to the less-challenging ones – after all, driving and even bouncing around in the passenger’s seat was challenging enough already.

We had been told that the best time to be in the Echidna Chasm was around 11.30 when the sun is directly overhead and lights up the chasm. We hurried in (a bit over a kilometre walk over very rough stones) and were rewarded with awe-inspiring colours and dramatic walls of rock. I will post some photos, but it is simply impossible to describe. I have no idea where the chasm ends, but we walked about a kilometre deep into the riven rock, sometimes less than a metre wide. At one point, Heather decided that the going was too hard, but I went a further few hundred metres with many more intrepid people still forging ahead of me before I turned back – for all I know, I might just have failed to reach the end by 50 metres or 50 kilometres!

We were probably in the Chasm for at least an hour and it was certainly cooler in there than out in the direct sun, but lunch and cold drinks beckoned so we headed back towards the carpark. There was a branch pathway to the Osmand Lookout not far from the carpark so we detoured there for more photos. (The range we photographed was the Osmand Range, hence the lookout's name.) We could have walked a few kilometres further to other lookouts and wonders beyond description, but we needed water and sustenance (and we are neither mad dogs nor Englishmen) so went back to the carpark and ate our lunch at one of the tables set up under a few big sails.

After lunch, we made our way back towards the Visitors’ Centre, stopping several times at lookouts and places of interest. At one place, we walked up to one lookout for photos and Heather decided to return to the car while I walked up to a second lookout in the opposite direction. Near the top of the hill, I became aware of at least 15 Spinifex Pigeons all around me. They rarely seem to fly, but just walk busily around, just out of arms’ reach, hiding in the spinifex – they are quite lovely. To me, the ones here appear quite a lot smaller and noticeably darker with less-vivid colouring that those we have seen before. Consulting my Australian Bird Guide, I noted that they are a different subspecies here, albeit not quite with the variations I have noted.

We stopped in another area where there is a walk with quite a bit of signage detailing the species of vegetation and describing how the aborigines used the plants for food, medicine, weapons and utensils. All very interesting and I was (as always) on the search for birds. I heard plenty in that area but saw almost none – sneaky little buggers, always hiding.

Then it was just a couple of hours hard driving back to the caravan park – and a wonderful cool shower.

Saturday

A partial repeat of yesterday – close to 2 hours to drive the 52 kilometres to the Visitors’ Centre, purchase our entrance fee and a couple more small souvenirs, and 27 kilometres hard driving south to the Piccaninny Carpark. We visited a couple of lookouts on the way and stopped for photos several times. At one place, our map and brochure blew out of the car, but we never realised it until several kilometres further on – so we back-tracked looking for it, without success. It wasn’t critical to have it, although it had lots of information that we may have wanted so it was a pity to lose it – but after giving up looking for it and heading back towards our destination, we actually found it on the side of the road. We had already driven past it without seeing it, but there it was.

There were two walks that we had decided to tackle – the Cathedral Gorge and the Domes – both very hot and exhausting. The track in to the Gorge was interesting, but was very hard going with a mix of thick heavy sand and rocky paths that scorched and bruised our feet. It was almost 2 kilometres in but well worth it. It was approached through another narrow gorge, a bit like a broader version of yesterday’s trek, but terminated in a mammoth cavern. As usual, there were several other groups there (it would have been magic to be there on our own, but obviously not practical) and the colours and structure of the place was quite overwhelming – almost impossible to take in. We were very hot by the time we got to the Cathedral so sat and cooled off for a while before trekking back out.

Closer to the carpark, there was a branch track to the Domes where one can walk through the archetypical beehive domes for which the area is so famous. Several hundred metres in, there were two confusing signs directing us in opposing directions, but a few walkers were coming out of the right-hand track and they explained that their track was a dead-end leading to another mini-cathedral. We decided to check it out and off we set, sweat pouring off us by this time. It was at least half a kilometre in but worth the walk, surrounded by rocky beehives and with some respite from the sun. Then it was the same walk back, hopping from one small shady spot to the next, and eventually taking the left-hand track that eventually threaded its way through several more beehives back to the carpark. It is hard to describe the splendour of this area (not the carpark, although even that is set among amazing colourful structures). It is unique, thought-provoking, beautiful, puzzling, awesome, inspiring, rugged – it goes on, but words are a poor way of hinting at the wonder of the place – and photos are not much better. It makes you think about the millions of years that went into creating the place. I was looking at one dome near the carpark while we were eating lunch. It had a mini-cave toward the top that looked as if a large boulder had rolled out of it and it started me wondering how many generations of aborigines looked at the same few square metres and wondered (as I did) what caused the formation to be exactly as it now is. Maybe that mini-cave was created last week – or maybe it was created millions of years before the first animal ever migrated to (or evolved) on the continent. We certainly live in an ancient, if not timeless, land. Totally wondrous.

Then it was back to the caravan park, completing 297 kilometres of really rough road in two days, but richer for having seen this unique part of the world. It is no wonder that it is a World Heritage Site – one of a kind and an experience never to be forgotten.

Sunday

We packed up slowly and set off on the journey south to Halls Creek – 106 kilometres and all on excellent bitumen and we were set up in the caravan park before lunch. There is very little shade in the park and in trying to take advantage of one small patch of occasional shade, I had to manoeuvre the van past another van that had a fold-up drying-line on the edge of the road – but no clothes on it. There was a big pile of sand on the other side of the roadway so the turn was tight and the back corner of the van grazed one arm of the drying line and tipped it over. Before I could even drive the 20 metres to where we were going to park, a ferocious-looking bikie-type guy rushed out and screamed abuse at me for wrecking their line and tearing down a tree in the process (we never actually touched the tree at all). Then, when I was squatting down disconnecting the van, he was back for another go, standing over me and threatening, still waving his clothes-line – all very unpleasant. He insists that the line was nowhere near the road but a closer inspection proved that it could not actually fit between his van and the road without at least half of it being on the road (as was his ladder, also at the back of his van). Sure, I shouldn’t have knocked the line over, but accidents happen and it was clearly not possible to get the van through with his line and the pile of sand on either side of the roadway. I just thought he over-reacted somewhat to a very minor infringement.

We spent most of the afternoon in the van, under the air conditioner, writing and sorting photos. We did a load of washing in between times and everything was dry within about an hour – it is very hot and dry here at present.

[taejinchronicles]

BV2EP3 | Taejin theory masterpost: U ok Tae?

So it was highly requested by you pretty cupcakes (tks for the asks and messages!!!) the continuation of my Bon Voyage 2 Taejin masterposts with analysis, pix and my two cents on the Taejin cause. Let me tell ya, this will be a huge masterpost, so grab yourself some snacks and lets do this!!!

Even upset, VV looks like the most gorgeous creation in the universe:

If you read my Ep2 masterpost, Taehyung was really annoyed about the Namj*n bromance day and decided to go full possessive mode with Jin. We have been left wondering what would happen since our boy was clearly sad and jealous of Jin’s day with RM and about the exchange of gifs between them. The sculpted turtle that RM gave to Jin was something symbolic to V cause he and Jin went on a beach date by themselves on day 1 and saw the turtle. Perhaps this is why the turtle gift was so upsetting to V, he knew that this moment was stolen from him because to the grand public the turtle thing would automatically become a Namj*n thing. I put myself in VV’s shoes, and knowing his history with being overshadowed by Namj*n I understand why Day 3 was mostly about him sulking, avoiding Jin, sulking, possessive about Jin, sulking, annoyed with Namj*n and so on...

1. Matching red hats + close watch on Namj*n: BTS’s first commitment was the hike to the waterfall. V was wearing a red cap to match the red hat he gave to Jin cause ya know how Taejin has a thing for couple’s outfits right. And also V was legit breathing on Namj*n’s neck during the hike.

2. The Namj*n pas de deux: Poor V was jamming violently to Spine Breaker while being exposed to Namj*n’s happy dorky pas de deux.

3. Namj*n pose & jealous V: Taehyung's torture continues as Jin and RM pose really close and cutely on the waterfall group pic. When the pic is taken the camera focus on V who looks straight at Namj*n with THAT FACE...a picture worths more than a thousand words.

4. ETS and V sulking: BTS decides what to eat and VV is sitting far away. V was tired and distant. And also kinda sad. On some moments it almost felt like he was about to doze off or cry. 

5. Taejin, together but apart: At the van Taejin was sitting next to each other as they often do, but not engaging any physical or verbal contact. As RM continued talking about the Namj*n friendship day, V blocked Jin and everyone else by wearing headphones. Meanwhile Jin was staring pensively at the landscape.

6. RM’s Bon Voyage reaction: it was Joonie’s turn to do the Bon Voyage thing so everyone’s reaction to RM’s cutesy hat flip was enjoyment but V gave that “not so amused” look, esp after Jin’s spontaneous compliment to RM.

7. Taehyung love sick over Jin: I had to gif this cause, come on, that’s just so freaking cute. The way V looks at Jin! His love sick expression, eyes dancing from Jin’s face to his “south area” than up to his face again. Taehyung’s bedroom eyes, sorry but that’s not bromance, that is not complimenting Jin’s looks, that is not even a boy crush. Grab that info, take into consideration.

8. V’s territory: As BTS walked towards their picnic spot, V obviously placed himself between Namj*n (yeah, that is a trend my people) making everything possible with his body movements to make sure there was plenty of space between Jin and RM. 

9. V’s territory part 2: At the picnic table of course V sat in between Jin and RM. With an effective angular body language, V expressed the desire to create a clear barrier separating his territory.

10. Happy meal together: Meal is ready and Eat Jin is celebrated with his expertise on the yummy food. V is happier being closer to Jin and, for the first time on the day, exchanges words with the object of his angst and affection.

11. Taejin’s domestic bliss: At the grocery store RM, Suga, Jimin, V and Jin got their food cash to spend. Soon as they enter Jin goes domestic mode and starts to talk just to Taehyung about the huge american apples. RM and Jimin go their own separate ways leaving Taejin alone.

12. Side by side: it’s no biggie but I find it extremely cute how Taejin always walk side by side or close to each other. When there is no fixed formation predefined by management, you can see that they are naturally drawn to each other like it’s their second nature. The couple matching outfit makes it even cutter!

13. Visual duo doing their visual thing: on that group pic, Jin was holding V’s shoulders so lovingly. And the way their heads lean towards each other, awww so cute how the body speaks. Ahhh, one romantic scenery can mend a jealous heart.

14. Jin is taking care of V: Remember last year on BV1 that iconic moment when V was so moody texting and sulking and Jin was carefully watching him from a distance only to back hug him for centuries? There is this season’s version of it. VV is again sulking, texting and turning his back to Jin, attentive loving gorgeous Jin is watching our angsty boy’s every move, his entire body facing V and even if he is speaking to J-Hope, his eyes don’t leave him. Wasn’t that the perfect moment and scenario for an iconic Taejin back hug?

15. Third wheeling Cupid Jimin: when BTS discuss their goals Jin says he wants to perfect his guitar technique. Our official third wheel angel Jimin said Jin sent him a video of his guitar practice. Although the rest of BTS was totally unaware of the video of Jin’s evolution on guitar, V promptly said (the video or Jin playing guitar) was so cool. Lovely Jinnie was flustered by Vmin’s double love.

16. I give Jinnie my stars: At the observatory V and Jin were together and V showed him the stars and planets. Only to Jin. He was so proud of his astronomy knowledge saying he studied it! My heart was touched by this moment cause we can see how important it is for him to please and surprise Jin, to make Jin proud of him, he was like a kid all excited to tell an adult he learned something at school. And Jin the sweetheart, the true gentleman showing genuine interest and excitement, making V’s planet naming sound as important as Galileu Galilei’s life work. Not to mention that Venus is the planet of LOVE…We see you Taehyung…we see you!

17. Taejin sleeps together funny drama feat. Hobi: at BTS’s lodge, the one filled with lizards, they were playing rock paper scissors (I swear the day BTS don’t play that game, catastrophe will fall upon us) for the beds and bedrooms. Jin was playing opposite J-Hope and won. V was the “MC” of the game and soon as he knew Jin would probably share a bedroom with Hobi or someone who was not him, he grew unease. Smiling but his body language touching the back of his neck, gave away his discomfort about the bedroom situation. When Hobi also wins and Jin celebrates him him, V’s instant reaction is to cover his mouth. In body language that means he cannot speak against awful news and his hands in begging position tries to reach for Jin, meaning he is begging Jin to come back to him. Notice that after Jin’s bedroom is decided the rest of the game with the other members runs smoothly and V doesn’t respond that way to the rest of BTS. The funny thing is that V ended up sleeping with RM! Well better sleep with RM than RM sleeping with Jinnie right Tae?!

That was it! What an episode that was!

V was obviously upset about something. Maybe it was just him being sleepy, tired or moody, but it feels very coincidental that the mood corroborates his behaviour towards Jin on the previous day. As I said on my last masterposts on Jealous V vs Namj*n, I don’t think this is about RM as a treat to his relationship, I don’t think he sees RM as a rival for Jin’s love. It is about his growing desire of Taejin being the stablished Jin love reality. He knows the ARMY ship Namj*n so add it to V’s constant need to express romantic affection for Jin versus Jin’s acceptance of the necessity for fan service ships then we have a recipe to Taehyung’s angst.

I think Taehyung wants to be as public as possible about Jin cause it is in his nature to be truthful, I don’t think he can perpetuate secrets. He’s not reckless and understands he’s an idol who cannot open up about everything, but there is this real sweet boy inside the idol facade that just desires to be proudly recognised by everyone he loves. His loyal friendship with Jimin, his admiration for RM and Suga and Hobi, his big brother protectiveness towards Kookie, his respect for his family, V wants all his emotional allegiances to be out there, so of course he wants his relationship with Jin to be seen and accepted. It’s still that same 4 years ago shy Taehyung who looked at Jin as he could not believe his luck to be living with the most handsome man he has ever seen. The same boy that everybody noticed from day one he had a crush on Jin. The same boy that has been crawling to Jin’s bed for years. The difference is that now he’s got hit by the intensity of conquered affection, he has won a place in Jin’s heart so it is upsetting for V to be contradictory to his heart just cause they are in public. I can imagine the frustration. It explains the mood changes, the introspection, the jealousy and possessiveness, his need to please Jin and praise/defend him to earn his love and respect and the passive aggressiveness when he feels that Jin denies him or promo another ship loudly in front of the cameras.

Because that adoration is so intense and he is so young, I think when it comes to Jin he even forgets BTS is their job and he’s got to separate what’s performance from what’s real. Someone as gentle and emotional as V is, really wants to wear his heart on the sleeve, he wants PDA, he needs to touch, hold, hug and confess to the four corners of the world that Jin makes him happy. So when he sees Jin being affectionate to RM, someone who is legit shipped with Jin by the fandom “stealing” his official role as Jin’s (visual BTS pair?, lover?, boyfriend?, partner?, platonic sleep together for years buddy? true ship?) number one interest, he snaps and shuts Jin out. It’s the same possessive-jealous pattern we saw on ISAC because of KenJin, Jin running around after V like a lost puppy while he ignored Jin like some sort of punishment. And we can notice that behaviour pattern only happens with Jin, he is not possessive with the other boys not even with his bestie Jimin.

Jin on the other hand loves to socialise with all the members (not only RM but also Kookie on this episode) and even talk to total strangers. He is comfortable in being social and he is aware of their roles as entertainers and how to separate business from personal life. Although he is not impulsive and explicit about it, he cares about V’s feelings more than anything even if that means the need to keep a safe distance to protect what they have. I feel like Jin tries constantly to shelter him, to create a safe haven when the innocent beautiful and delicate true Taehyung can be free and happy, even if the price is to have Taejin as a ship ignored by the fandom. It’s in Jin’s nature to protect and love all his boys but with V it’s like he is always walking on thin glass. There is deep affection but also Jin’s necessity for secrecy, not cause he is ashamed of V but cause he is protective of what they have.

Because the nature of their relationship in my perspective romantic, Jin doesn’t know how to behave in front of the cameras with him. Jin refrains himself to be engulfed by affection like on that iconic stage kiss or like when he shares too much information (we shower together, we sleep together and so on) so he prefers not to focus on V while on camera. Both Jin and V can’t quite behave bro-like around each other actually. Since the start there has always been awkwardness and tension between Taejin, it used to be polar opposites they were superglued platonic flirting or just pretending they didn’t exist. Although now things have changed and we don’t see that unrequited love tension anymore, I think both Jin and V go back to that pattern when things go a bit sour. They oscillate between “you are all I see" to "you don’t even exist" all the time, there is no in between “bro-like” Taejin. For a ship that legit doesn’t have promo at all (for instance there is never vlives with just Taejin like there is with jinmin, sope or jinkook) Taejin is the one pairing that despite of the lack of fan service push, do behave like two people who know each other intimately and really spend a lot of time together (notice that semi off-camera like on BV2 with their beach date, matching hats shopping, V picking Jin the shirts he wanted him to wear and off-camera like on their fancafe talks, secret dates, singing the same love songs of each other’s spotify playlists, sleeping together, matching outfits, walking around holding each other’s arms when they think nobody is watching, answering the same things about what they plan for their future...they act like well...like partners).

Jin being the business driven man he is, understands the responsibilities of being and entertainer, he gives his body and soul to BTS, he is professional about it and knows he is protecting V and the boys by keeping their thing (and all the boys personal relationships) private. With V’s emotional nature, RM’s introspection, Suga’s dedication to his craft, Jimin’s loyal heart and Jungkook’s innocence, Jin and J-Hope are the ones who really are conscious about the importance of protect their privacy, Jin being the entertainer one and J-Hope the practical one. This is why of all the members of BTS Jin is the one who really engages dynamic relationships with all the other boys constantly, regardless of the predefined ships and subunits management and the fandom has specified. He doesn’t exclude anybody and in a sense he is the heart of BTS, the loving glue that keeps them strong.

This is a study and analysis, I dunno the boys so situations can have a complete different meaning since no one knows what’s going on on their private lives. This is why rather focus on behaviour and body language, cause that is an unconscious way to express the truth and one’s emotions. So it doesn’t really matter the nature of Jin and V's intimate emotional bond, we can see that Jin doesn’t need his personal relationships to be publicly accepted therefore understands the need for privacy while Taehyung is keen to make his affection known therefore he is often jealous of sharing Jin with others either by insecurity or by fear of non-acceptance. This is a pattern that has been going on for quite sometime and I’m afraid it’s the pattern we will keep seeing in the near future. 

Oh boy that was one huge masterpost! This episode was a full angsty trip on jealousy, understanding the dynamics and differences between Jin and V and the dynamics between ships. Regarding the ships, I still have not done the masterposts on some subjects I often got messages about like comparing Taejin to Vmin or Namjin and Jinkook (send me msgs of what ship you want me talk about first) or the rest of BV2 (gonna do those...weekly I hope!!!), tks for the patience dear readers. You can also read the first episodes analysis here:

BV2EP1 | OH TAEJIN LOVE VOYAGE, OOPS, I MEAN BON VOYAGE 2 EP.1

BV2EP2 | TAE VS. NAMJ*N STRIKES AGAIN

Lots of love.

[thedolansaintshit]

In Bloom - E.D

This is an Ethan imagine/one shot based off a song from my all time favorite band, Neck Deep. I honestly feel like all I do is imagines based off of songs lmao yolo.

Summary: Ethan has doubted your relationship/himself due to his mental state, because of his issues he has broken up with you. 

Warnings: idk depression I guess? This is based off irl events 4 me recently so if its hella emo thats why lmao

For My E, come back to me soon.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ethan’s POV:

Sometimes, at night I let it get to me

It’4:48 in the morning and I keep replaying that phone conversation in my head that happened just a few weeks ago. 

Me: “Y/N, I am so grateful you’re in my life. Everyday with you is such a blessing a-and I-I love you very much.”

Y/N: “And I love you more Ethan-so what’s going on in that head of yours? It’s two am, I know you’re feeling down.”

Me: “I’ve been thinking about my life and that includes this relationship, I-I-I just don’t know what I want.”

Y/N: Ethan, baby, you’re getting inside your head right now ple-”

Me: “No, please just understand this is for us, for you.”

Y/N: “What are you talking about Ethan?”

Why do I do these things? I push people away, I pushed her away. No Ethan, you were bad for her. She deserves so much better than you, she deserves the whole universe. You could only give her a star. You weren't good enough for her, she was wrong thinking you were. It’s what’s best, I’m worthless to this world anyways.

Your POV:

We’re never going to put the pieces back together if you won't let me get better

“You’re getting inside your head babe, you’ve been doing this all too much again. Have you seen your therapist?”

I asked trying to hide the trembles that were just attacking my body. This was the one of many phone calls filled with panic from Ethan since we started dating; even before that. I knew what this call was about, I just couldn’t bring myself to come to terms with it just yet. Sometimes when Ethan’s depression would just overtake his soul, he’d leave me in the dark with no explanation or warning. My mom calls this, “a level of emotional abuse” but I just call it “lost.”

Ethan: “You have the biggest heart, you are so full of love I can’t even begin to explain--you’re so sweet and so kind.” 

Me: “You’re these things too E.” 

Ethan: “Whenever I’m with you, I’m on cloud fucking nine. You’re my escape, always. I realized now that, that isn’t healthy Y/N. I need to be my escape, my hero. You shouldn’t carry this burden of mine on your shoulders.”

Me: “But E, we’ve been through hell and back. I’ve been here through everything, as for you with me. What makes you think I’d turn my back on you now?”

Ethan: “You don’t understand. I’m just not better; I haven’t been. Please don’t get me wrong. I love what we have. It’s so natural, and you’re so beautiful. But my mind-its just not.”

But that’s where he’s wrong. I hate when he just shuts himself down like this, like he's nothing. When we first met, he told me about all the beautiful places he wanted to visit, and I was staring at him thinking “God, I’m already there.” That night we stayed up until sunrise, and I swear the stars looked so gorgeous God must have taken the glimmer in your eyes and blew it across the sky.

And when he first touched my hand, I felt it in my heart how god forsakenly awful it was going to be when I had to let it go. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d find beauty in such calloused, beat up things. But they’re strong and have held the universe. He swears he doesn’t like the way they look, but if the world was in my favor; I’d hold them until it ended.

But by far, the most incredible piece of artwork is the painting that goes on in his head. It’s filled with all sorts of different hues, but it holds the most breath-taking stories; and I’ve never been so lucky to know such gentle and exquisite brushstrokes. 

Ethan: “We talk all the time about how ‘that’s gonna be us one day’ when we see an old couple holding hands in the grocery store or when we see little kids wearing vans and beanies how that’s gonna be our little punk. I want that, and I want you Y/N, I see my future with you I just-I can’t give those things to you unless I’m better.” 

I felt my whole world come crumbling down. I couldn’t swallow, I could barely breathe. This was so selfish of me to start crying and begging him to stay. How was I suppose to go on without him, for what could be a long time. What if he moves on when he's better and I’m still so fucking in love with him it hurts to breathe. My whole life feels like its on hold because he decided to have a mental escapade right before our sixth month...god I’m so fucking selfish.

Ethan’s POV:

“I’m sorry” I whispered trying to hold back the tears I knew were coming.

I could hear her crying on the other end. I broke her heart, I broke her fucking heart. The one girl who has always been there for me, always put me first even in her time of crisis. I was such a shit boyfriend to her it’s unreal. I was always late to dates on accident. She had to ask to buy her flowers...what guy doesn’t think to buy her flowers? Or caption on her Instagram pics? She always planned dates and hangouts too, but she always did what I wanted to do or adjusted for my taste. These are just for starters. I fucking love the girl, she’s my girl. My fucking world. I just don’t know how to relationship I guess. But fuck, when it comes down to it, I’d be bad at relationshipping if I got to smell her smell for the rest of my life or see her laugh at my turtle face. 

And then I heard a click.

“FUCK.” I yelled slamming my phone down to the ground watching it shatter, just like her heart. 

“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.” I started throwing everything off the desks and my bed, the picture of her and I on the ground. Everything is broken because of me. Why was I born? Why is my brain like this? So full of sadness and pain? I hurt the ones around me too much.

Your POV:

Cause the truth is, you’re the only voice I wanna hear in my head

I hung up the phone so impulsively. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move, all I could do was cry. I wanted him, I needed him. I was about to get in my car and drive to where he was. 

I blame him for thinking he knew what was best for me when he is what’s best for me. He gave me his fucking heart after having it torn apart and shredded so many times, and that was always good enough for me. I shouldn’t of busted his balls so much about stupid fucking flowers. I pushed him too much. But when it comes down to it, if I had to choose between a boy with stupid red roses in his hands and an emo boy who loves to film me, with calloused hands and only two dimes to rub together...I’d choose my E. A thousand times over, I’d choose my E.

[doubt-is-the-origin-of-wisdom]

This.... is new. I can't make this body... do what i want. And I know Roan is... away as much as they can be. But i feel *awful*. And I think it is theirs... I can always feel what they are but... not like this... not to this degree...

We.. I? Have been worried sbout everything luna said. And the fact that im sure u okayed that. Idk if u okayed the pics. Roan kept staring at them and now i van see them when I shut my eyes.

But... one of the things... right now.. worryed me the most. Was "*Am* i giving up too soon?" And the car that drove by made a sound like a couple notes from hell and you. So thats gonna be the ultimate decision maker ig. Bc they have always meant thise words when they sang that song to you.

I am looking up the lyrics as i write...

"Cause I'd rot in Hell with you

If you'd just ask me to"

Okay so i think the important bits is that it says "with you". Avoiding and pushing me away as much as u can... isnt with me.

And also... if luna is to be believed you are pretty blissed out most of the time so... idek if the In Hell part applies to u rn.

Also... the "Asked me to" bit. I dont think you rlly have? I know you asked us to leave if you hurt us this much. And i dont think... youve ever really done or said any true thing to try to get us to stay. Not since you decided to start cheating on us.

I... realize now that.. we have asked you to stay. And you swore we would have a life together. Since the cheating started. Then kept cheating.

Fuck, this songs one of the ruined ones isnt it?

I.... even if roan changes their mind about love. I am not letting them get so attached that their sorrow will do *this* to *me*.

Im curled up in bed analyzing songs that remind me someone i care about because i cant sleep of move. That is unacceptable.

I dont even like that I'm putting this on this blog... fuck i need to feed this stupid worthless body.

I am better than this. If i weren't attached the the Emotion Intensifier that is Roan, maybe this wouldnt be happening. Heartbreak is just pain like any other.

I wish it were something i could amputate... and i wish it were just felt in the heart. It is everywhere. When chain was awake their *wings* felt like the were burning from the inside. We dont even have wings.

That ratty dog bolted... immediately actually, so i dont know how they are feeling. Roan might, my connection to everything is.. different.

Oh now there is a useable feeling! I feel insane. Not from what i just said, bc i have been staring at the wall for a While after i wrote the word "different".

I still am trapped in Roan's hell, but i can drink that cup of water, that we did get bc we wanted to sing to you today... whatever that song is with the coyotesand rabbits and whatnot... theyhave been learning it becauseyou liked it and they wanted to sing it for you.... water is better than nothing.

Hello, hip pain. Yes we wont be moving go ahead and go numb.

How am i acting like this right now?.....im

Not posting any other... broken version of me.

Oh, worrying about trixter reading this just now gave me an idea.

(Assuming we will be down a partner) if the others survive and whatever, and roan becomes operational again, we obviously will not keep these blogs, because they are private. They are for us, but our "mate" was allowed to see them. But if they make us leave, roan may decide they shouldn't be accessible to trixter, so we will ...

Use notepad. Was? I felt like i had had a clever idea at the beginning of that. And my idea was "use notepad"

Nyquil and melatonin plus major stress and no sleep will do that... to.. me?

Dont like that very much but, okay.

I have been with this fool since rhey can remember. Through ralph. I have never experienced this. I suppose it is because we hated ralph so chain and the ruffians could do their thing. Loving. Is the most....

Fuck i wanna write a poem but i just saw the q where the t was sposed to go. I think if i tried to write it woukd3bs embarrassingly awful.

Im sure if we ever sleep i will be horrifically embarrassed of *this*.

Hopefully we will either sleep or eat before trixter is able to read this so i can come to my senses and delete it.

[birdyrxe-blog]

confusion (a josh dun imagine)

a/n: this imagine is not by request (obviously) but something that i felt the need to write about. enjoy.

—– confusion : a josh dun imagine

warnings : depression and a little anxiety

smut : none, i don’t usually write smut

word count: 1,791

abbreviation meanings : h/s/n - her sister’s name, y/n - your name, y/b/f/n - your best friend’s name, h/s/f/n - her sister’s friend’s name, y/b/f - your best friend. —–

it had been a while since you and your best friend had had a sincere conversation without mention of your favorite band, tøp, or it’s members, tyler and josh. sometimes you wished you had never introduced them to her, because that was all she talked about lately.

of course, as soon as that thought came around, you instantly felt guilty, as if she could hear what you were thinking about. she couldn’t, but it didn’t stop you from feeling that way.

you finished up the dishes, and wiped down the dirty counters and stove, stains left over from remnants of dinner.

‘if only fixing my problems was as easy as cleaning this stove’, you thought sadly, and put the towel over the handle on the oven.

you grabbed your phone from it’s place on the window sill and unlocked it to stop the music. you went to the dining room and plugged it up, shutting it off and placing it on a surface to charge.

“night, mom,” you called before walking into your bedroom. you hesitated at the doorway, waiting for her response.

she was at the computer as usual, working on school work, so it was a few minutes before she said,

“night, y/n, i love you!”

you smiled a weak smile before heading into your bedroom.

it was a mess, as usual, but you agilely stepped over the piles of dirty clothes, ripped sketches, and who knows what else.

you turned on the a/c, and got dressed for bed in a blue tank top and a pair of baggy mickey mouse christmas themed pajama bottoms.

you turned the light off at the chain, leaving the fan going, and lay in bed, facing the wall.

of course, anxious thoughts crept up in your brain as soon as you tried to fall asleep.

thoughts of, ‘she’s gonna leave, she’s gonna leave’, and thoughts about why this would happen.

because you and her had decided, early on, that you wanted to be in a band together. you had asked her, knowing the risk of what was layered in the question.

she had agreed, much to your suprise, and you felt whole and complete when she did.

a couple of months later, she came back from hanging out with (h/s/n) and (h/s/f/n), she told you she had come up with a new band that they would be in.

it stabbed your heart a little, but the wound was quickly healed when she said it was just a joke, nothing personal.

then, the day after the fourth of july, an instagram account had requested to follow you. it was called (whatever cheesy band name you want it to be). you clicked on it and saw the profile pic was of (y/b/f), (h/s/n), and (h/s/f/n). you exploded at her over text. you thought it had all been a joke, when, truly, she was plotting behind your back to leave you.

as you thought about this whole situation for the thousandth time in bed, the hurt of the past was brought back as a realization came to your mind.

even though it was riddled with anxiety at the moment, it managed to put one coherent thought together:

'this isn’t the first problem i’ve had with her, and it’s only going to go downhill from here. i have to end the friendship.’

tears didn’t come as soon as you thought they would, but all your memories together did. and soom after, the tears DID come.

you ended up crying yourself to sleep, and woke up in the morning, the same realization burned into your brain.

you got up, sick of all the confusion she had caused you. you grabbed your backapack and stuffed it with everything you need, or rather, as much as it could hold.

since you didn’t want to fix your problems, you had decided to run away from them.

you walked out of your room, and quietly grabbed your cell phone and charger. you were suprised no one was awake.

you unlocked your backdoor, and opened it, locking it before walking lut and shutting it behind you.

you ran as fast as you could to the nearest restaurant, which happened to be a coffee shop.

“dammit, i don’t drink coffee,” you growled to yourself. you looked around you, and saw that you had run a suprisingly long distance. nothing looked familiar, in fact, you didn’t think you were in your hometown anymore, which didn’t surprise you because your hometown was small.

you were really out of breath and needed some directions, so you decided to head inside anyway.

the bell rung over your head, and you walked in a few feet, checking to see who was in there.

you knew none of your family would be in there, but you still felt paranoid, all the same.

the only other person that was there was a man that had bright yellow hair (yes i know he shaved it but i don’t care) and a beanie. his whole left arm was covered in tattoos, and his right arm, although it didn’t have nearly as many, had tattoos as well. he was dressed in a tee shirt, skinny jeans, and a pair of vans.

you didn’t want to think this way about a stranger, but you also noticed he was very muscular and sort of attractive, from the behind, at least.

you noticed you were still in the doorway, letting the cold air in, so you let the door close and walked in.

you walked up to the counter and saw that the workers were busy in the back, so you rang the bell and heard a, “i’ll be with you in a minute”.

you decided to sit in a comfy bean bag, and opened your backpack to actually look at what you had thrown in there in your haste.

you had thrown all your money in there, which didn’t seem like much now that you were out in the real world.

the next item brought tears to your eyes. it was a picture of you and (y/b/f).

you suddenly didn’t care that you were in a public place. you let the tears fall and started all-out bawling.

the photo fluttered to the ground, and your backpack fell over, the contents spilling on the ground.

you pulled your knees to your chest, for it felt like your heart was being torn in half and you needed to hold yourself together. you didn’t want your body being torn in half in front of everbody. you didn’t want the hurt to make a mess on the floor.

“miss, are you okay?” someone asked, and they seemed to be at your side. you shook your head no against your knees, not wanting to look up.

“i need you to look at me.” they said calmly.

you shook your head no again.

“please?” they pleaded. and without waiting for an answer, they put their hand under your chin and lifted your head up.

you saw it was the yellow-haired stranger you had seen when you walked in.

he searched your face, probably seeing the gross red streaks that came from crying and probably seeing strands of hair stuck to your wet cheeks. you felt like you were unacceptable to look at.

he brushed the hair from your face, and you were glad your cheeks were stained red because you blushed.

“what’s wrong?” he asked softly. just then, the barista said, “okay, who needed me?” and you knew you either had to get up to pick up your belongings, or to answer the barista.

you decided to ignore your mess, much like you did at home. you regretted thinking about home, for it brought more tears to your eyes.

you used your sleeve to wipe your face and smoothed your hair, walking up to the counter.

the barista gave you a sympathetic look, and their expression changed from, 'it’s-an-early-morning-and-i’m-working’ to, 'she-looks-like-she’s-having-a-morning-much-worse-than-mine’.

“what can i do for you?” she asked sweetly. “um… i…”, you hiccuped a sob, “need to know where i am. and i also need some food and a drink.”

the barista nodded and grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil, and asked, “can you write your name down, honey?” as if you were suddenly crippled from all the crying and couldn’t even write your name.

you nodded, and wrote down your name, and slid the paper back over to her.

“what would you like?” she gestured back to the menu.

your eyes scanned it, and you decided, saying, “hot chocolate and a donut, please.”

“your directions and order will be ready in a few.” she smiled at you, and you tried to reciprocate, but failed.

you decided you had to go back and confront the strange man, so you walked back to the bean bag chair and saw that your stuff had been picked up and sat next to it, the photo of you and (y/b/f) on top of your back pack. you sat in the chair, and looked to see the man was in the chair next to yours.

you pretended to ignore him, but he spoke up before you could look like you were preoccupied. “you wanna talk?” he motioned to the picture, and you sighed. you figured he wasn’t gonna let you go.

you took a deep breath and told him everything. even though he was a complete stranger with a nose piercing and tattoos, you trusted him. and as you explained it to him, you noticed he had pretty mocha eyes that held a world of pain, knowing, somehow, he knew how you felt.

“wow. so you ran away?” he asked. you but your lip. “yes, i did.” it was the first time you had spoken since your cry, and your voice sounded hoarse.

“well, i’m sorry something this awful happened to such a pretty girl like you.” he smiled, as if his attempts at flirting would make you feel better.

but then you realized the he was FLIRTING with you. the hot guy from the coffee shop was flirting. with. you.

you blushed and said, “life isn’t fair.”

he seemed saddened by that and said, “well, i may not be able to fix your problem, but you can… come live with me until you sort it out?“ he asked. you had no idea what to say, but once again you were interrupted by the barista. "that’s me, i’ll be right back.” you said, and got up to get your food and saw that there was a hand drawn map on a peice of paper. you headed back, and said, “yes. i’ll stay with you.” josh (he told you while you were talking) smiled. —–

[wallpaperpainting]

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