#autism object connection + OCD item issues + PTSD from various other things 3x combo

[paranoidkid]

I am trying so so hard to think and do things but it’s become increasingly difficult for some reason! (I know the reason)

it just feels really really bad to not have a car. if I didn’t have an emotional attachment to my car I dont think I’d feel this awful, but it feels like I just Lost A Family Member (again) and it’s really making things hard to comprehend.

for reference. my car that I drove was my grandmother’s car first, she bought it and owned it. Recently (a couple years ago) I borrowed it to start driving places without using my parents car, and my grandpa just told me to keep the car (my grandma had really severe dementia and couldn’t drive much less leave the house). cut to November of 2024 and my grandmother dies. it’s very sad. on top of her passing, it feels like we’d been mourning her for years, because she was barely able to remember any of us and could not function on her own. [deaths 1 and 2]

The car was an extension of my grandma, to me, on some level. it was Her Car. so when we got the title transferred to me, that was already one step away from it no longer being Her Car. and I’ve been working so so hard to keep that car going for as long as possible; it had a lot of shit wrong with it but I was just glad that It Drove and Had Air Conditioning. bonus points to the speakers, I loved my car speakers. [death 3]

Cut to today, someone blows through a red light in front of me, trying to pass through an intersection, and totals my car. everything about the situation is cut and dry, I am not at fault and nobody is seriously injured. but my car is gone. [death 4]

I’ve spent the entire day having arguments with my manager and a very long panic attack and being at the ER because I panicked so bad I thought I had a concussion (I didn’t hit my head and I was just extremely disoriented). I’ve forgotten how easy it is for me to have a severe response to something that wasn’t “that bad” all things considered. my life has not changed significantly, I am not injured, I got all of my things, my car is totaled, my grandma is dead. I’m really having rough time today.