#auntshit

[intosnarkness]

Reasons a nine-year-old yelled at me this week (Which should be taken a good natured grousing ala this list because we had a lovely time):

The Amtrak takes too long

We had to walk more than five blocks

There was a line to get into a restaurant

There was a line to get into a show

I said they did not have scientific evidence to back up a claim they made (this got my foot stomped on because I “said they didn’t know science” and we had to have a talk about asymmetrical retaliation and mutually assured destruction)

I told them we weren’t going to take a cab three blocks

It “doesn’t make sense” that the streets are numbered and on a grid

It’s hot

There were no pancakes at breakfast

It’s still hot

We were walking and she got dripped on by an awning and that was my fault for “walking her into the drips”

I said fuck

I jaywalked

I made HER jaywalk

I stepped into the street to hail a taxi and that’s not safe

We didn’t ride the cyclone on Coney Island (she threw up on the ride before and we were done)

We needed to get her out of the clothes she threw up in but we were in Chinatown and had to find a private place to change

We threw away her vomit dress

I asked her not to read at the breakfast table

I told her not to stare at the man who was injecting himself with something and keep walking

It’s not hot anymore and now she’s cold

I don’t speak Gaelic

I didn’t try to save Peri when he had cancer and that reminded her that her dog will die some day (this nearly made me cry, but I held it together enough to explain that when you are a pet owner you have to make the decisions that are right for the pet and not the ones you want to be right)

Not all the queens in Six did stage door

Once again I am reminded that I am not cut out for parenting and am glad to be home with my cat

But here is a sweet picture of an exhausted child and her aunt.

[quisqueyasworld]

Fullest compendium of my Niblings+babiest cousin #allmychildren #auntshit It's been a full book this weekend tbh

[intosnarkness]

Niece: do you eat lobster?

Me: yes, sometimes

Niece: you can’t eat any of the ones at the grocery store, I named them.

Me: okay, well I don’t think we shop at the same store, I don’t live close to here. What did you name them?

Niece: I don’t remember. But you can’t eat them.

Me: noted.

[intosnarkness]

My nieces and nephew have been given the ability to text me and no one is allowed to explain memes to them cause they are killing it.

[intosnarkness]

Had to have the “guys aunt Ala loves you very much but you have to remember that it’s just me and one other adult in my house, and sometimes when there are a lot of people I get overwhelmed and need to take a break. It’s not because you did anything wrong, it’s because of me. Is that okay?” Because I got tired of the whining and the attitude and told their mom I was gonna hang back for a few and they freaked out.

It’s hard to be all of us.

[intosnarkness]

Apparently one of my nieces is having huge divorce anxiety recently and last time I saw her she mentioned to me that her friend at school had two houses cause her parents got divorced and while I was trying to process that I fell into my default which is “how does that make you feel?”

She told me she felt scared and pointed to her parents.

Like, my parents have been married for 40+ years. There were times I wished they would get divorced, but I was never scared of it. So I said the only things I could think of:

“I don’t think your parents are going to get divorced any time soon. I can’t promise never, but right now I don’t see it coming. If they do ever get divorced, I hope you will know that it’s not because of anything you did or didn’t do. They would still love you, and you would still have a family. It would just look different.”

And it kinda felt inadequate? Like, I know that’s not enough. I did tell her parents so they knew about the anxiety. But it felt like less than I should have done, somehow.

Then last night I was talking to a friend about her parents divorce and I told her that and she actually teared up and said she wished someone would have said that to her. So IDK. Maybe I’m better at this than I give myself credit for?

[intosnarkness]

Also because I don’t think I’ve ever explained it here:

Lauren is a remarkably difficult name for children to say. The l and the r are both complicated tongue and lip movements and so when I was born my brother, who was two, called me either “she” or “wahwen” and later, “Katie” because he just mcfucking gave up. (Katie has literally nothing to do with any part of my name. Child logic!)

So when the twins were born, I waited until they could talk and asked them to say Lauren, having decided that whatever they said would be my “auntie” name.

They said “lala” but over the next year or so they gradually dropped the first L. And thus, the legend of Aunt Ala was born. And now when my friends have kids, I’m Ala to them too, cause like hell any child under the age of 4 should have to try and say my given name. Any of them are, of course, welcome to change it to Lauren any time they want and the ones I’m blood-related to all know that. But as of yet, they have continued to call me Ala, so Ala I shall be.

[intosnarkness]

My poor niece got so upset this weekend because someone saw her outside her sister’s play and told her she did a good job.

Like, I get it. Having a unique identity is important and she’s 9, these things get frustrating fast. But also she is an identical twin and her parents did them dirty with matchey-matchey names. They are both going to deal with this for a long time. One is either going to have to come up with a nickname they like or realize that their father mixes me and their mother up because our names both start with L. Human brains are like that sometimes.

I showed her how my brother and I have the exact same smile and then point out some ways she looks like her brother and that seemed to help. But I think we are entering a new tantrum phase that’s going to be all about identity. I can’t wait until they’re old enough to work this out with a therapist.

[intosnarkness]

My niece sent me a voice memo to say she misses me 😭😭

I do not deserve these small people they are so good.

[intosnarkness]

things my mother said to me today: "trip's birthday is so inconvenient. I want to have a seder with the kids, but we have to go out for him instead."

mom. mom. mother. have the seder any other time. have a lunch seder. have a seder after passover. the kids won't care. god doesn't exist. just do the thing to share time with the people you profess to love and move on with your life.

[intosnarkness]

I'm a funny person but I will never be anywhere near as funny as my 8-year-old niece who drew me a picture for Thanksgiving of a cat juggling in the circus who hates their job.

she's so perfect

[intosnarkness]

Guys

Almost three years later and her after school project had the theme of cardboard and

She made me a “cat house” and look, a lot of being an aunt is not laughing when it’s very very funny but you don’t want to explain why.

😭😭 I love this child so much.

My niece made a box for my cats, which is adorable and wonderful.

However. My niece is six and has never met a cat so she has no idea how big they are.

So the box is comically small next to the boys, who I tried to entice into playing with it today.

That said, there is one hole Hercules can get his head in.

He just can’t get it out again.

Please no one tell my niece this is the funniest thing that he ever happened in my house.

[intosnarkness]

I got my nieces tickets to see Wicked on New Year’s Eve with me and their mom for the holidays, and I have spent today writing six riddles that relate to the show for them to solve between Christmas and the show (one a day). I also wrote little poems for the nephew about things we could do together as his present and he gets to choose one.

I have spent entirely too much time doing this at work over the last two days. I hope they enjoy it as much as I have.

The bolded letters in the riddles spell out “WICKED” if you put them together.

[intosnarkness]

Last time I saw the nibblings they couldn’t settle down for bed, and at one point I walked in to find two of them sitting in a half Lotus on their beds chanting Om, so I did a little guided meditation for them. Nothing special, just imagining walking on a beach and in the forest and all that crap.

Tonight, after reading stories and turning off the lights, Blorp asked me to do another “imagination story” for her. I don’t remember the last time I was that happy to free-associate at a child.

[intosnarkness]

got the niblings to go to sleep tonight through a clever combination of guided meditation and strategic water glass placement. all shall love me and despair.

[intosnarkness]

I just want to say, in case this wasn't clear: being thrown up on is kinda a part of being around kids and I was never upset with the child. This is not the first time it's happened to me. A shower and a nap fixes most of it.

What was really stressful was that our hotel was on 39th and 9th, and we got off the subway at Canal St in Soho/Chinatown. That is not a walkable distance on a hot day with two nine-year-olds who are exhausted already. My SIL does not know the city well enough to make a plan at that point, so it was on me.

The thing that was making the kid sick was... the train and she was adamant that we not get in a taxi because she smelled bad. We got her to a store where we could buy new clothes and walked a few blocks to Prince St, where we could pick up the R if she wanted to try the train again, or we could try to get a cab.

She was feeling up to the R. Getting off the express train helped, because the local gave her more opportunities for breaks and we made it the 6 stops to 42nd St-Times Square without further incident. We showered, changed, and got dinner. By the time 7:00 rolled around she was hyped to watch Six.

Was it pleasant? No. Not even a little. Was it stressful? Of course! Was there another 9-year-old who was low-key upset that she didn't get new clothes? Sure. But the vomit thing happens, and you roll with it cause it's part of what you signed up for. If that's the worst thing that happens in a week, it's still a good week.

Whatever echelon of aunthood occurs when a nine-year-old throws up all over herself and you on an uptown bound N train from Coney Island, I would like to go back to where I was at before that happened.