#attenion seeking behavior cw

[the-crystal-femmes]

This is probably going to be a long post and delves into mental health issues. Trigger and content tags will be applied but I'm putting this under a "read more". Please bear with me.

I think I'm tired of believing that I'm constantly intimidating my mutuals, or being a nuisance. I constantly tend to believe that the reason I don't usually get mentioned in posts is, for some God forsaken reason, I come off as a bitch when I ask not to be tagged in certain things. It makes me sad, I'd like to be tagged in silly little posts as long as they don't fo against my boundaries.

Ever since the.. Incident on my sideblog, I've always felt nervous or on edge here. I fear something's going to happen again, my paranoia constantly gnawing at me. I've considered taking a break from Tumblr, but truthfully, it's my only form of socialization. I cannot go outside and talk to others, I live in a rural area, and I feel much less safe on apps like TikTok, Instagram, and Discord. Tumblr is my go-to with talking to others, but as of late I've felt so unsafe and unwanted that it's actually effecting my mental health.

I just want to be able to interact with my mutuals and make little posts. I don't want to constantly believe that I'm doing the wrong thing, wondering why anyone is still following this blog, or having constant fits of crying because I feel like I've fucked everything up.

I'll admit this now. I love attention, I constantly crave attention, and a lot of my posts are me begging for attention, whether subtly or very, very bluntly. It's why I ask for asks in my inbox a lot, it's why I constantly try to interact with others. This isn't a trait of mine that I like, at all. I always feel lonely, I've never had an explanation for my thought processes or why I do any of this. I'm surprised that anyone actually puts up with my shit because truthfully, I've lost multiple friends due to my behaviors. And I want to work on them, but when I'm so emotionally distressed, especially with everything going on in my life right now that I just don't talk about here, the problems are starting to pile up and I'm doing everything as an escape, like my brain is desperately pulling at strings.

I just want this to cease. Not in a.. Depressive way but, I just want to be normal, not a whiny, sniveling brat who constantly begs for attention and gets mad when I don't get it.

I'm just sorry. To anyone reading this, I am very, fucking sorry you have to put up with my shit.