#ate so hard even my phone is telling me my phone is overheating and will continue charging after it cools down

[hyunpic]

hyunjin on instagram: VMAs

[vinylhazza]

imagine sending ur nudes to e by accident omg the next day he’d be imagining you naked and eventually you two fuck🥵

oh my gosh you would be lounging around talking to your best girl friend or something, often times sending her your risqué photos when you’re feeling down about yourself. she always has the best hype up messages when you’re feeling like a swamp creature. you’re really just pacifying your boredom from being stuck inside for a ridiculously long amount of time - not wanting to go into the sweltering heat of the upcoming summer. you had a habit of overheating and making yourself sick.

usually you’re good at looking at the contact name before you send something so exposed to her, giving yourself the comfirmation before hitting send. but today just had to be the one day your finger hit the send button too fast, your eyes flicking up in panick mode to read “E ❤️” at the top of the screen.

fuck. 

you’re sitting on your bed at this point hyperventilating, about to pass out, dizzy as hell, nauseous, genuinely not good. you’d never sent him anything like those pictures before. and that was the thing, it wasn’t just one it was several pictures of your naked body to your best guy friend. you’re very hot, best guy friend. you look over the set of photos you’d sent: you’re laying back on your bed in nothing but a pair of black lace panties, breasts on display, sunlight trickling across your abdomen and perky nipples, a golden glow touching your skin. the panties were honestly nothing but a piece of pathetic fabric that could be compared to dental floss - you know if you turned around you’re ass would be bare as it could be. 

you never had any intention of sending them to anyone - as your not speaking to anyone romantically at the moment. truth is you’ve been hooked on a certain someone for a while. the same certain someone you just accidentally sent your nudes to. how convenient.

honestly i imagine him to be shell-shocked. maybe he was mid-conversation with grayson, unlocked his phone at your notification, and sat frozen and speechless while he stared down at the screen - your breasts sitting pretty for his eyes only. grayson would be pausing at his silence, questioning him on why he’s sitting there like he’s “waiting to catch flies” in his mouth. ethans cheeks would heat to an unbearable temperature, not believing what he’s seeing - his best friend - naked and biting the tip of her fingernail.

throuought both the day and night you hear no response from ethan, total dead silence. it made you more nervous than if we were to send back a simple “wrong number?” or “huh?” ...silence. did he like it? did he hate it? did he just not see it? you knew better than that judging at the read receipt that stared you in the face on the screen, only making you heart race faster. 

it was a night of little sleep for the both of you, neither one knowing of the filthy thoughts running through the others head. ethan tossed and turned in his bed that night, knowing he would see you tomorrow for session with grayson. you’re a personal trainer, hence how you met and became so close with the twins. it had been a year since you started working with grayson, not really seeing the reason because he already was well off, as well as ethan. but you never made a complaint, helping and instructing anyway that you can. you became friends instantly, most of the time making it a hangout session rather than a trainer/trainee situation. 

you had kept your eyes on ethan since the day you showed up at their house for the first session, breath caught in your throat when he opened up the door with a dazzling smile, lips stretched tight across his teeth. he was gorgeous, you wouldn't deny that. yes, grayson was handsome, and yes they were identical twins - but you fell in love with ethans heart quickly. nothing ever came from it, teasing, friendly banter. it was strictly friends. but you’d always felt something brewing beneath the surface, too scared to let him know you wanted something more. head over heels was an understatement. shit the guy couldn't even hug you without your heart doing flips inside of your head. 

you’d given up hope about a month ago, bummed out that despite your subtle advances, he was a lost cause. he showed his love in his own way, trying his hardest to make you see he felt it, he felt all of it. lost in translation, your love was. the hugs became less frequent, the teasing still showed up, but less flirty. it broke him bit by bit until he finally accepted that he’d lost something he never really had in the first place. he backed off, tried to discipline himself to think of you as just a friend - until those pictures popped up on his phone. 

there he was, laying in bed with his hand wrapped around himself, eyes glued to the picture of your perky breasts, god you were gorgeous. fuck the plan, he thought, tugging up and down his length with a tight fist - trying to keep quiet in fear of grayson hearing him. across town, you were doing the same - rubbing a hand at your mound, thinking of him thinking about you. you had no knowledge of it actually being true, but just the thought of him seeing you so exposed and dare you say sexy in a set of photos really did something to you. 

the next day was terrifying for both of you, neither wanting to mention your little accident first, both wanted to play dumb and just hope it disappeared in time. 

until you caught up watching you during your squats, not in a way he has ever before, his eyes were drinking you in. in a hungry way. not observant, not innocent, but dirty. you tried to ignore the wetness in between your thighs, keeping your eyes on grayson, watching his form, telling him to straighten up every so often, cracking a joke in hopes it would get ethan to stop staring at you and laugh along. but he kept his eyes focused on you, knuckles white on the edge of the bench he sat on. 

okay, if he wants to stare, so will you. 

turning your head to look at him was a bold move, his eyes focusing on your mouth instead of your chest - his bottom lip popping free from his teeth. was he, checking you out? he’d never been so bold about it before. you watched each other close while you continued your squats, eyes trained on his the entire time. you thanked the heavens you put your hair in a ponytail, it was far too hot in this gym and you knew you would look like a monster if your hair was any other way.

“okay...fuck...my legs feel like jello,” grayson giggles, plopping onto his butt after hitting just above 300 squats. you would never recommend doing that many, but he had a weird goal in mind, so you figured if he was going to do it, might as well help him doing it the correct and healthy way. 

“mine too,” you agreed, sitting down yourself. with your face as red as ever with ethan’s eyes staring at you, you took a sip from your water bottle, smiling at the cold water traveling down your throat. it felt good to have a hard workout. 

“I think i’m going to eat something before we go again, you want something?” grayson’s offering his hand to you, nodding when you shake your head to turn him down. if you ate now you might throw up from the nerves running like crazy through your body, your stomach a pit of butterflies. not the best idea to shove food into the mix. 

“i’ll catch up with you in a bit,” ethan speaks up, watching his brother leave the room before turning his eyes back on you. 

“so are we really gonna talk about it or are you just gonna stare at me like you've never seen tits before?” bold move. 

“why did you send them to me? that is what I wanna know.” he ignores your question, coming back with his own. 

“accident.”

“lie,” he challenges you with a cocky smirk, raising from his position on the bench, 

“I meant to send them to Amanda, not you, don't get cocky,” you’re really testing the waters, knowing damn well everything spilling from your mouth is a load of bullshit. even Amanda, whom you told of your little mishap, screamed blood murder over the phone, insisting the mistake was in fact fate and not happenstance. 

he’s still smirking, standing tall in front of you. he had been pretty much silent through the workout with grayson, off on his own most of the time. you didn't mind, knowing it was probably weird for him at least for now. so you let him be, focusing on grayson for the rest of the day. but this...this was new.  

“you’re awfully bold for someone that showed no interest in me any other time,” you point out, shrugging like you made the most valid point ever. 

“maybe you read the signs wrong babe.” that fucking pet name. 

“i’m pretty sure I didn't. anyways why does it matter? it was a mistake and now we can forget about it and move on know that we’ve acknowledged it,” you nod to yourself. it seems fair considering you're about to burst into flames at how close he’s standing to you. you know deep down you’ll never be able to forget about it. 

“I don't think I want to,” he mutters, his seductive tone taking your breath away. looking up at him, only caused your heart to beat faster, he looked serious. you’ve never heard his voice so calm. 

“well...you have to. we are bestfriends,” you stutter, standing to your feet in an attempt to back away. 

“best friends who like each other,” he drones on, keeping his eyes locked steady on yours. 

“fat chance.”

“best friends who want to fuck each other...” he’s inching closer, grabbing at the bare skin of your waist to bring himself closer to you. you almost scream in surprised as his hand comes to clamp over your mouth, arm reaching behind you to crack the door open, staring into the hallway with that same devilish smirk. 

“hey gray?!” he shouts, hand still cupped over your mouth. his other hand returns to your side, thumb rubbing back and forth across your skin. you’re surprised at the reaction from your body, your pussy clenching tightly around nothing, the aching becomes less bearable. 

“yeah?” his voice echoes from down the hallway, sounding busy and disinterested. 

“I think we are out of almond milk, you mind running to the store real quick? please?” his tone has switched to one you know well, the one he uses when he tries to manipulate his little brother into getting his way. you would swat at him if his fingers weren't dancing along the inside of your thigh right now, dangerously close to your clothed heat. 

“why can't you?” grayson whines, still far enough down the hallway he couldn't see into the room. if he could...i’m sure he would be just as confused as you are. 

“because I asked you,” he points out, chuckling at the annoyed groan he gets in return. 

“you paying?” 

“it’s not like we have the same bank account or anything fuck face. but you want to use my card it’s in my wallet on the counter. thank you bro.” with that he’s shutting the door, with his hand still moving between your legs, he removes his other from your mouth, instead wrapping it in your hair - loosening your ponytail. 

“look at you...so small and innocent...like you didn't send me filthy pictures of you last night,” he hums, leaning close to kiss at your neck, “i bet you touched yourself at the thought of me looking at them huh?” he whispers hot in your ear, tongue poking out to lick at your lobe slowly, sucking it into his mouth before it pops free. 

you are drenched, not registering the nod you give him, wanting to slap yourself for being so easy. 

“so are we done pretending or do i need to convince you more? he won’t be gone forever.” his fingers cup your cunt through your leggings, rubbing his fingers across you to cause a friction that makes you tense in his arms, grasping at his biceps in shock. his hands feel much better than your own. 

you realize how quickly you’re grabbing at the back of his neck too late, bringing him down to seal your lips together perfectly. the kiss is passionate, more passionate that it really should be for being so sudden. it was filled with longing and need, something you’ve been experiencing towards him for quite some time.

he is sighing against your lips, shuddering at how good your skin feels under his fingertips, hungry for more than just a kiss.

he’s growing frustrated quickly, stopping with a huff and holding your face close.

“i wanna talk, i do, about what the fuck is going on. but i can’t wait...need you now,” he explains, eyes never breaking away from your own. you understand his need perfectly, it matches with your own. 

“we can talk later,” you nod at him, seemingly giving him the green light to pick you up by your hips with a squeal falling from your mouth. your back meets the semi-plush cushion of the bench press, staring up at your bestfriend hovering dangerously close to your face. he’s got this smile you’ve only ever seen a few times, when he’s so utterly happy he can’t contain himself. it makes you melt to think that this is one of those moments for him. with a quick peck to your lips, he’s lowering down onto his knees, hooking his fingers in the waistband of your leggings, pulling down slowly. 

“for the meantime...gonna fuck you so good.” 

[pbandjesse]

Im not having a very good day. I don't feel good. My feet hurt. Emotionally Im kind of a wreck. But I have to hope tomorrow is better.

I slept okay last night. Getting up and having to drive was hard. James had gotten us donuts so I didn't have to stop for breakfast. And It was an okay ride out. I got to camp and got my stuff all set up. My theme project had some issues but it worked well enough. I was in a weird head space.

And honestly my groups were a mixed ba. The first one was the tiniest campers and they were so cute and sweet and honestly I had the best time with them. I was so worried I was going to run out of materials but it ended up being fine. I had a few things left over even. But man was it stressful.

Because of that stress though I didn't have two of the older groups do the project. And that probably helped my supply but also it made it so that when one or two boys were like. Not interested in making any art I felt sad but had to kind of let it go.

My last group before lunch was a little bit of a nightmare. They were 10 minutes late. Then spent the first 10 minutes getting a talking to from their counselors. Then one of the boys kept loudly saying he didn't want to do art and being really negative. But I was focused on showing the others how to make bracelets so I had to turn that off in my brain. And then all of a sudden one of the boys ate a mouthful of paint?? I was shocked! I have never had that happen. I still don't know why he did it? Curiosity? Pica? No idea. He had blue all around his mouth. We had him rinse his mouth out but it was very upsetting.

Lunch was fine. I mostly sat alone. And once people did join me I got the email telling me I didn't get the job. And I was just. So sad. Like I don't even know if I would have actually liked the job, but I love the space and the people and the ethos of the whole operation. And while they were super kind about it, even giving me a voucher to take a free class, and telling me they want me to reapply in the future because they think there is a space for me there, it still hurt.

And then I started getting texts that dad was sick and going to the hospital. To call my brother. I was just like. My heart was racing. I was nausous. I spoke on the phone with my brother and it helped because he told me what was happening and that it seemed like everything would be okay. But I haven't heard my dad's voice. And Im just like. I need to know he's okay from him. My brother did help me calm down a little bit at least.

And I had to because my last group was there.

They were mostly great. Apparently last night they all got stung by a bunch of wasps and were pretty exhausted. But I taught them to make loom bracelets. We talked about stuff. It was really a nice time. Even if I was upset. It was a good enough distraction.

But once I was done and cleaned up I was like. I need something. Or I need to leave.

I had Sophie come and help me sort and label fabric for next week's project. And we both got very overheated. But once that was done I went to the office and Heather gave me a cookie. But I needed to leave. I had to go home.

I talked to Alexi and told her what was up and then I was off. i got my back pack and was out of there. I did forget a few things. But its fine. I will live.

The drive home was a little rough. But I got back here and it was fine. I got a shower right away. I needed to just be quiet.

I would talk to James a little. But they were mostly working. So I would unpack. And lay on the couch. And eventually have dinner.

Once James was done work we worked together to collect the addresses for our engagement cards. Im still missing some addresses but I have reached out to a few people. Its becoming harder. I feel like this is the type of things I should reach out to help with but I cannot do that right now. I just want to sleep now though. I started folding clothes and making plans for our trip next weekend. But it doesn't feel real.

Tomorrow were supposed to go get our new car. Im nervous. But it will be okay. I have decided.

Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourselves. Send my family good vibes.

[whumphoarder]

The After Party

Summary: Rhodey is standing just inside the lab’s bathroom, leaning against the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest. He sighs. “Dude, if you knew the whipped cream was spoiled, why the fuck would you eat it?”

Tony leans back against the wall with a groan. “Because…” he rasps. “Should’ve seen Morgan’s face…” He breathes out slowly. “Never seen someone so proud... of a cake.” With a sickly burp, he leans back over the bowl and heaves again.

(Or, in which Peter and Morgan attempt to give Tony the Best Birthday Ever™ but things don't go entirely to plan.)

Word count: 1,129

Genre: Whump, hurt/comfort, humor

A/N: For @xxx-cat-xxx‘s birthday (several days ago). Thanks to @sallyidss for beta reading!

Link to read on Ao3

Tony leans over the toilet and retches again, causing more of his partially digested dinner to splash into the bowl.

Rhodey is standing just inside the lab’s bathroom, leaning against the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest. He sighs. “Dude, if you knew the whipped cream was spoiled, why the fuck would you eat it?”

Tony leans back against the wall with a groan. “Because…” he rasps. “Should’ve seen Morgan’s face…” He breathes out slowly. “Never seen someone so proud... of a cake.” With a sickly burp, he leans back over the bowl and heaves again.

Rhodey’s brow furrows. “Are they sick too then?” He only arrived at the lake house twenty minutes ago—it was nearly ten o’clock by the time he finished his debriefings, so he’d missed Tony’s little birthday celebration. Though given the current state of his friend, he’s almost glad now. “Should I go check on them?”

“Nah. Cake was strawberry an’ cream filled. She and Pep”—Tony pauses to spit a string of bile into the bowl—“they’re both allergic. Happy’s on some diet and Peter’s lactose intolerant. Just made it for me. ’S my favorite.”

Rhodey shakes his head slowly in disbelief. “So you ate a piece of rotten cake, just to make your kids happy?”

“No.” Tony glances up. His eyes are bloodshot with dark circles under them and traces of vomit are still on his chin. It’s so pathetic-looking that Rhodey’s heart clenches. “I ate two pieces.”

With a deep sigh, Rhodey pushes himself away from the door and steps further into the bathroom to fill a glass with water from the sink. He passes it to Tony, who eyes it suspiciously before taking a cautious sip.

Tony swallows the water and then makes a face so pained-looking that for a few seconds Rhodey is certain it’ll come right back up again. But then he just swallows hard and presses his fingers to a spot on his right temple, eyes closed.

Rhodey reaches over him to flush the toilet, eliciting a whimper from the other man. He frowns—Tony only reacts to noise like that in one situation. “Shit, you have a migraine too?”

Tony lifts his free hand slightly, wobbling it side to side in a so-so gesture. “’S not too bad. Jus’... Peter gave me this candle he custom ordered for me. Supposed to smell like… motor oil? Or WD-40, or... something.”

Rhodey winces in sympathy. Strong fragrances have always been a migraine trigger for his friend—something Tony himself knows well. “And you lit it?”

Tony shrugs. “He was so excited.”

“You should’ve just said something,” Rhodey says, rolling his eyes. “I seriously doubt he’d want you to suffer for a candle.”

Tony makes a non-committal sound in his throat before starting to push himself up. Rhodey quickly moves forward to help, looping an arm around Tony’s elbow, but when he pulls him up, Tony grunts sharply and presses a hand to his upper left side.

“Whoa,” Rhodey says, readjusting his grip. “You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah…” Tony breathes out. “Think I cracked a rib or two earlier. No biggie.”

Rhodey blinks at him. “The fuck, man?”

Tony gives him a sheepish look. “Pete gave me a hug when he first got here. Got a little…”—he flaps his hand a bit—“enthusiastic.” He starts shuffling out of the bathroom, leaning heavily on his friend for support. “He didn’t seem to notice, so I didn’t mention it.”

Rhodey snorts. “This is some birthday, huh?”

“Eh, I’ve had worse…” Tony mutters, scratching at his stomach.

They make their way to the small lounge area on the back wall of the lab and Rhodey carefully eases the other man down onto the sofa. As Tony stretches out, Rhodey pulls over a trashcan and positions it next to him, just in case.

It’s a good thing he does because not even two minutes later, Tony is sitting up with a groan and retching into it miserably yet again.

Between gags, Tony huffs humorlessly. “Funny. Can’t even tell if ‘s from the headache or the food poisoning.”

Rhodey winces. “That’s… really not good, man.” When Tony looks to be done, he takes the trashcan back to the bathroom to rinse it out quickly before replacing it by the sofa.

“Thanks,” Tony croaks. He scratches his arm a few times. “Don’ know why I’m so itchy…”

“Maybe you’re just overheated. Let’s take the sweater off,” Rhodey suggests, gesturing to the oversized Hawkeye sweatshirt Tony is currently wearing. “Why do you have a shirt with Clint on it anyway?” he wonders.

“Morgan got it for me. He’s her favorite Avenger,” Tony grumbles as he tugs the shirt off. “Don’t know where I went wrong.”

Rhodey snorts out a laugh at that, but then sobers instantly upon seeing the bright red rash covering Tony’s torso. “Dude. I think you’re allergic to it.”

Frowning, Tony glances down at the hives on his chest and stomach. “Fuck. Must be the dye.” He pauses for a beat. “Or just essence of Barton.”

Rhodey rolls his eyes. “Sure, Tony.” He turns to head toward the door. “First aid stuff’s still in the kitchen, right? I’m gonna go get you some”—he gestures vaguely—“of everything.”

Tony rolls over, pressing his face into the cushion. “You’re the best...” he mumbles.

X

Thirty minutes later, Tony’s managed to get down half a glass of water, three Excedrin, two Benadryl, and a capful of Pepto. An ice pack is pressed to his broken rib, a cold compress is over his eyes, and his bare chest is covered in anti-itch cream as he snores quietly.

Rhodey’s nursing duties now complete, he sits in the chair beside the small sofa, scrolling through his private Facebook account on his phone. It mostly consists of cat videos from Nat, ‘Tasty’ recipe posts (all featuring ungodly amounts of melted cheese now as Happy’s diet enters week two), and an array of cringe-worthy Minion memes, mostly shared by Bruce. But when he comes across a picture Pepper posted earlier, he pauses his scrolling.

Tony—wearing his new Hawkeye sweater—is sitting on the porch swing, Morgan cuddled in his lap. There’s a shared sparkle in their eyes as if they’ve been caught in the middle of some inside joke. A two-tiered strawberry-and-cream-filled cake, topped with lit candles, is resting on the small table in front of him. One additional candle in a jar labeled ‘World’s Best Mentor’ sits to the side in front of Peter, who is grinning widely. Pepper and Happy stand just behind them—Pepper smiling sweetly at the camera, Happy squinting slightly.

Glancing back to his sleeping friend, Rhodey smirks and shakes his head.

Seems like Tony had a pretty good birthday after all.

Fic masterlist

For more Avengers whump, try:

 Five Times Bruce Banner is Not That Kind of Doctor™ + One Time He’s Perfect For the Job

Super Duper Side Effects

[broomballkraken]

Title: Excuses, Excuses, Chapter 2: Feverish Sickness

Fandom: Pokemon Sword/Shield

Pairing: Milo/Nessa

Word count: 3524

Warnings: None

Summary: Excuse #2: Nessa’s Feverish Sickness. As per tradition, a week before the opening ceremony of the Gym Challenge, all of the gym leaders travel to Motostoke to take the time to hang out and bond with each other, discuss serious Gym Leader matters, and even partaking in some friendly Pokemon battles. When Nessa wakes up with a fever on the third morning, she tries to hide it, but (un)fortunately for her, Milo catches on rather quickly.

The beginning of a new Gym Challenge was always something that Nessa looked forward to every year ever since she became a Gym Leader. It was exciting to see all of the eager new Challengers, ready to test their mettle as trainers and form lifelong bonds with the Pokemon that they caught and trained along the way.

Nessa was especially excited for the week before the opening ceremony. All of the Gym Leaders of Galar made the trek to Motostoke early to discuss important topics, such as any rule changes or resolving any issues that arose in the previous Challenge. That was necessary and all, but Nessa was glad when the serious stuff was dealt with so that the Gym Leaders could just hang out and have some fun together. And after two days of listening to Chairman Rose drone on about rules and regulations, she was ready to unwind with her friends.

It seemed that her body had other plans for her, however.

“Ugh.” Nessa groaned when she woke up in her hotel room, feeling like she hadn’t slept a wink. It was a chore to open her heavy eyelids, and she grimaced when she felt that her pajamas were drenched with sweat. She slowly pushed herself up and swung her legs over the side of the bed, groaning again with discomfort as she held her head in her hands. Her face felt hot, and yet a violent shiver coursed through her, followed by a wave of nausea.

“Why now?” Nessa grumbled, pushing herself to her feet as she stumbled to the bathroom, careful not to trip over her Drednaw, who was snoring loudly from his place on the floor. Maybe a nice, hot shower would make her feel better.

After a few minutes standing stock still under the water, Nessa found out very quickly that it was definitely not helping, and she barely made it to the toilet before she vomited. After a minute of retching, she managed to compose herself, but she did not feel any better. Nessa dragged herself out of the bathroom and slowly got dressed, taking deep breaths when she started feeling nauseous again.

Of all the bad times to be sick! Nessa usually had a great immune system, and rarely came down with any sort of ailment. This was the first time that she had been sick while traveling alone as well. She always had someone to help her through her sickness, whether it was her parents back home or Sonia when they had been traveling partners during their Gym Challenge days. She bit her lip as panic welled up inside of her; she did not know what to do about this.

“Hey, Ness! Are you awake?”

Nessa jolted with surprise when someone knocked loudly on her door. It sounded like...Milo? She took a deep breath and straightened up, hoping to give the impression that nothing was out of the ordinary as she crossed the room and opened the door.

“Good morning!” Milo said cheerfully, the bright smile on his face causing her to smile as well, as hard as it was with the way she was feeling.

“Morning.” Nessa said, gritting her teeth as her stomach churned. Milo stared at her for a moment, and the smile fell from his face.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked, frowning as his eyebrows furrowed with concern. Nessa tried to laugh it off as she struggled to keep smiling.

“Aha, of course I am! You...must be imagining things.” she said, waving a hand nonchalantly. Suddenly, a surge of dizziness pulsed through Nessa’s head, and she felt her legs give out from under her.

“Nessa!” Strong hands latched onto her arms to keep her from falling to the floor, and she groaned as she slumped against Milo, her head coming to rest on his shoulder.

“Oh! You’re burning up!” Milo said after he had placed a large hand over Nessa’s forehead. She grumbled in response, too dizzy to form a proper sentence. Milo gently tugged Nessa’s arm over his shoulders and he helped her back into her room, heading straight for her bed and laying her down slowly. Her Drednaw had finally woken up, and he wandered over to the bed, staring up at his trainer as he let out a worried growl.

“I-I’ll be okay, Milo, really.” Nessa tried to argue, reaching down to pet her Drednaw’s head soothingly, “I’m sure it’s just a little-” Nessa’s stomach lurched, and luckily Milo had the quick reflexes to grab the nearby trash can and shove it into her lap so that she would vomit into it instead of all over the bed. She continued retching, feeling incredibly embarrassed for throwing up in front of Milo, but she felt a bit better about it when she felt a warm hand fall onto her back, rubbing gently until she stopped.

“Aw, Ness…” Milo said, taking the trash can from her and plucking a few tissues from the bedside table, using them to gently wipe her mouth. “You don’t have to act all tough about this. You’ll just make yourself sicker.”

“Sorry…” Nessa mumbled, feeling slightly guilty, “I don’t get sick often, especially not away from home…”

“Don’t worry!” Milo said, that bright, blinding smile returning to his face, “I’ll take care of you!”

“But Milo, you should go out and have fun with the others…”

“I can’t just leave you here when you’re sick! What kind of friend would I be then?” Milo said, shaking his head. Nessa felt her face heat up a bit, and she wasn’t sure if it was her fever flaring up, or something completely unrelated. Milo took the trash can into the bathroom to clean it out, and he waited there until she could change back into a pair of clean pajamas.

“There! Are you comfortable?” Milo asked after he had helped to tuck Nessa into bed. She nodded, yawning as a wave of exhaustion washed over her, and she smiled weakly when Milo helped her Drednaw climb onto the bed to settle down at her feet. She still felt guilty about all of this, but she did appreciate Milo’s willingness to help her out. He really was a kind and caring friend.

“I’ll stay here until you fall asleep, but I might go out for a bit. Don’t worry! I’ll be back to check on you, and I’ll have my phone on me if you need me before then!” Milo said as he took one of Nessa’s hands and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Squeezing his hand back, Nessa let her eyes slide shut as Milo began chatting quietly about random things, like the recent happenings on his parent’s Wooloo farm or the fun Gym Challenge he had come up with for this year’s challengers. His voice was oddly calming, and soon enough, Nessa found herself drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

*

Nessa did not know how long she had been asleep, but what she did know was that she did not feel any better when she woke up. Cringing with discomfort, she only managed to lift her eyelids up halfway before her head started to hurt. She squeezed her eyes shut and groaned, and she felt her Drednaw shift at her feet. Cracking open one eye, she saw that he was staring at her, and he let out a sad whine.

“Hey...it’s fine,” Nessa croaked out, her throat feeling scratchy and sore. Ugh, she felt even worse than before. She had forgotten how much she hated being sick. She sighed and tried to wriggle her arms - which felt like they had turned into lead - out from under the blankets; she was feeling overheated.

She continued her struggle, and was relieved when the door to her room opened. Milo was quickly at her side, his eyes scanning Nessa carefully.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Milo asked. Nessa groaned in response, and Milo smiled softly as he pulled the blankets down enough to finally free her arms. “That bad, huh?”

“I feel worse than before.” Nessa said, sighing deeply, “The bright side is that I don’t think I’m gonna throw up again.”

“Oh, good!” Milo said, sitting on the edge of the bed as he rummaged around in the bag he had with him, “If you think you can handle it, I did bring you some soup. But only try it if you think you can keep it down. I don’t want to accidentally make you even sicker!” Milo looked distressed at the thought, and Nessa giggled softly and started to push herself into a sitting position, with Milo quickly moving to help her.

“I’ll try it.” Nessa said, and she moved to take the steaming bowl from him, but he pulled it out of reach.

“It might, uh, be safer if I feed it to you. You seem to be shaking a bit.” Milo said, his face flushing pink, “Er, I mean, if that’s okay with you! I don’t, uh, want to make you uncomfortable at all…” Nessa opened her mouth to protest, feeling embarrassed at just the thought of it, but as she thought about it more, she realized that he was right. Spilling hot soup on herself really would not make this situation better, and there wasn’t anyone else around. Only Milo would know about this, and he wasn’t the kind of person to blab about what she did in her weak, sickly state to anyone else.

“Ah, okay, but do not tell anyone about this. Ever.” Nessa warned, pouting as she narrowed her eyes. Milo smiled and nodded, sticking his pinky out towards her.

“Of course! Here, I’ll even make it a pinky promise.” Milo said, and Nessa laughed as she locked her pinky with his.

“Good.”

Milo dipped the spoon into the hot soup, blowing on it to cool it off before he held it up to Nessa’s lips. She thought that she would have hated being so helpless and treated like a child unable to feed herself, but she was weirdly okay with it. She took a careful sip of the soup, not wanting to burn herself, and when she decided that it was cool enough to eat, she ate the entire spoonful. She sighed as the delicious soup spread warmth through her as she swallowed it, and she managed to eat a few more spoonfuls before her stomach started giving her warning signs to stop.

“I’m glad you were able to eat a little bit of it!” Milo said as he helped Nessa settle back into her cocoon of blankets. Milo noticed that Drednaw was staring at the soup bowl, and he chuckled. “You want the rest, buddy?” The turtle Pokemon let out a pleasant growl as he dropped to the floor, and Milo set the bowl in front of him. Nessa smiled fondly at her partner as he happily lapped up the soup.

“It’s good, isn’t it?” Nessa cooed, giggling when Drednaw looked up at her, soup dripping from his chin as he chirped happily.

“Aw, you two really are cute!” Milo said, “Even off the battlefield, you two seem like the best of friends.”

“Oh yeah. Drednaw was my very first Pokemon, after all. We’ve been through a lot together.” Nessa said, and Drednaw beamed at her, before turning his attention back to the soup.

“I can tell!” Milo said, nodding his head. Nessa suddenly let out a deep yawn, and Milo pulled out his phone.

“Ah! It’s getting late. You should probably get some sleep.”

“What time is it?”

“9pm.”

Nessa groaned. Did she really sleep for the entire day. Ugh, and she didn’t even feel any better. What rotten luck.

“But…” Milo mumbled, rubbing at his neck as a dusting of pink appeared on his cheeks. “I’m...kinda worried about leaving you alone all night.” Nessa’s eyes widened as her face paled. She had never been alone for an entire night while sick before. The thought did make her rather nervous.

“Um, Milo…” Nessa said, averting her gaze as she blushed. “Will...will you, ah, stay here with me...tonight?” By Arceus, this was embarrassing. Milo was going to think she was a giant weirdo.

Milo smiled softly, his green eyes filled with a patient understanding. “Yeah! I can do that for you, Nessa. Um, just let me go get my stuff. Here!” He pulled out a pokeball and opened it, an Eldegoss popping out and settling softly on the edge of the bed.

“You and Drednaw keep an eye on Nessa until I get back, okay?” Milo said, petting Eldegoss’s head. The grass type chirped in response, turning to look at Nessa with a smile on his face.

“I’ll be right back!” Milo said, and he quickly left the room. Nessa smiled softly, turning her attention to Eldegoss, who blinked at her and tilted his head curiously.

“Your trainer really is a great guy, you know?” Nessa said, reaching out with a shaky hand to gently pet the fluffy cotton of Eldegoss’s head. He squeaked happily, and hummed with approval as she continued to pet him. The cotton was so soft, and Nessa found herself wondering if Milo’s fluffy hair was just as soft. She continued running her fingers over Eldegoss, her eyelids becoming heavier and heavier as time passed.

“I’m back!” Milo announced when he stepped back into Nessa’s room. Nessa smiled as he walked over to the bed, depositing the blankets and pillows he had with him on the floor. “Do you need help getting ready for bed?” Nessa nodded, and after Milo helped her to the bathroom to brush her teeth, he settled her back down into bed, and her eyes immediately closed.

“Hey, Milo?” she whispered, cracking open her eyes slightly to meet his, “Thank you so much, for everything. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as sweet as you.” He sputtered and she giggled as her eyes shut again.

“Aw, shucks, Ness. You’re pretty great yourself. Sleep well.” he said, and Nessa reached out, her arms still shaking with the effort, and she slipped her hand into his. He squeezed her hand softly and used his free hand to gently rub the back of hers. It was a soothing touch, and soon Nessa slipped off to sleep with a content look on her face.

Milo watched as Nessa fell asleep with a fond smile on his face. He stayed still for a moment, just watching as her entire body relaxed and her breathing evened out. He gently slipped his hand out of hers and tucked her arm back under the blankets. He glanced back at her face, and he reached over to brush away a few strands of that pretty dark blue hair that had fallen over her forehead.

“Beautiful…” Milo mumbled. He blinked a few times before he realized what he had said, and his face flushed a bright red. He turned to see that both Drednaw and Eldegoss were staring at him, and he frantically waved his hands in front of him.

“D-Don’t tell her I said that!” he whispered, rubbing his neck as he looked away. Drednaw narrowed his eyes and huffed, settling down to sleep at Nessa’s feet. Eldegoss let out a quiet, high pitched chirp, and Milo pouted when he realized that he was laughing at him.

“Milo…”

Milo froze when he heard his name, and turned to see Nessa, thankfully still fast asleep, but his heart leapt into his throat at the absolutely breathtaking smile that was on her face. Milo was stunned for a moment, but he composed himself and stood up, heading to the bathroom to get himself ready for bed. When he returned, his Eldegoss had made himself comfortable on Drednaw’s back, and Milo was surprised that the turtle Pokemon allowed that. Eldegoss looked at him and chirped out a laugh again, and Milo just waved a hand at him before settling onto the pile of blankets on the floor.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.” Milo said, and he chuckled when Eldegoss smiled at him and closed his eyes, his snoring soon joining Drednaw’s. Milo finally settled into bed, and was quick to drift off to sleep, the beautiful smile of a certain water-type Gym Leader filling his dreams.

*

Nessa sighed as she woke up, letting out a deep yawn as she stretched out her long limbs. A wave of relief washed through her as she realized that she was no longer sore or nauseous or unnaturally sweaty. It seemed that her sickness had finally passed.

She got out of bed slowly to make sure that standing up wouldn’t trigger any sickness that might still be hiding within her. Everything felt normal, and she smiled brightly as she stretched out, glancing at Drednaw and Eldegoss, who were still sleeping together on the bed.

“Milo?” Nessa wondered aloud. She looked down at the side of the bed where he had slept, and found that all the blankets and pillows he had used were folded and stacked neatly next to the bedside table. Milo was nowhere to be found. But, his Eldegoss was still here, so he probably hadn’t gone far.

Nessa took the time to finally take a much needed shower and freshen up. When she was all dressed for the day, she heard a knock on the door, and Milo walked in shorty after.

“Ness! Good morning!” Milo said, beaming as he quickly walked over to her. “You’re looking so much better!”

“Yeah, I feel so much better.” Nessa said, tilting her head curiously when Milo held a bottle out to her.

“Here! Kabu gave me this to give to you. It’s a Sitrus Berry Smoothie. He said it should help keep you sickness from coming back.”

“Thanks.” Nessa said as she took the bottle and opened it, taking a small sip. She hummed in approval at the delicious flavor.

“You feeling up for hanging out with the others today? They’ve already gone to get breakfast, but we can probably still make it in time to eat with them if we hurry.” Milo said as he walked over to the bed and returned Eldegoss to its pokeball. Nessa did the same for Drednaw, and when she had gathered her things, they left the room and Nessa locked the door.

“Ah, I really do feel so much better.” Nessa said, smiling down at Milo as they started walking down the hall. “Thanks again for taking care of me, Milo.”

“You’re welcome! I’m glad I could help. You just looked so sad and miserable yesterday. I just had to do something.”

“Well, I’m glad you did.” When they stopped to wait for the elevator, Nessa wrapped her arms around Milo and pulled him into a hug. Milo froze with surprise, but he recovered quickly and returned the hug, his strong, warm arms making Nessa feel oddly safe and secure.

As they hugged, Nessa’s cheek brushed against Milo’s hair. ‘Huh, it really is as soft as his Eldegoss…’ Nessa thought, and a giggle escaped her before she could stop it.

“What’s so funny?” Milo asked, pulling away as he tilted his head and gave Nessa a quizzical look. She felt her face heat up as she turned away and cleared her throat.

“Uh, it’s nothing…”

“Are you sure you’re feeling better? Your face is all red.”

“I’m good!” Nessa quickly said, laughing sheepishly as she rubbed at the back of her neck. “Ah, hey, here’s the elevator! We really should get going to meet everyone for breakfast. You said we were already running late.”

“Oh yeah! Let’s go! I know everyone will be happy to see you!” Milo said, grinning as he held his arm out towards her after they had stepped into the elevator. “If you’re still feeling a bit dizzy, you can hang onto my arm for a while if you want.” Nessa wanted to tell him that she was fine, but her body seemed to move of its own accord as she placed her hand in the crook of his arm.

“Thanks.”

“Anytime! Oh! We’ll have to get another selfie with everyone today! I told Raihan that we should wait until you could join us, but he insisted on taking one yesterday.”

“Let me guess: He said that he was looking exceptionally hot and needed to capture the look right then and there?”

“Ha! Yeah, pretty much.”

Nessa and Milo laughed as they headed to breakfast, chatting about anything and everything along the way. Nessa felt exceptionally happy, and she was sure that it had everything to do with the passing of her sickness, and absolutely nothing to do with the wonderful man whose arm she held because of the dizziness that she was not experiencing.

[netflixmomma516]

Her Secrets 4 - 13RW Series

Part 1    Part 2   Part 3

I pull out my phone and see 20 missed calls all from Jeff, Jess, and Scott. Only 8 voicemails though. I decide not to listen to them. I pull myself together enough to drive home. 

I still see the unfamiliar car in the driveway, but at the moment I don't care. I cut the engine by the car, and I take a deep breath. My body is so exhausted. I touch my belly, "we're okay." I whisper to the growing baby in my belly.

I make my way into the house, and see my dad and the woman standing in the kitchen. I don't care about my father's love life, it's his life, he's plenty old enough to make his own decisions without telling his 18-year-old daughter. 

"Oh hey YNN, I wasn't expecting you home so soon." My dad looks shocked that I just caught him in an affair. "The smell of alcohol didn't agree with the baby," I said not trying to hide anything from this woman, even if my dad was probably trying too. "Oh well, YN this is Janet." I half smiled at her. She had beautiful chocolate brown hair, with hazel eyes and tan skin; looking about my dad's age. "Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you." Oh great. Those words are never good to hear. "Nice to meet you, but don't let me interrupt, I'm going to bed." I quickly say backing up to the stairs 

"Do you want food YNN? I know my grand-baby needs something to eat." I smile at my dad, a real genuine smile. 

I feel like the first time in 16 years my dad is actually concerned about me. "Sure." Food does sound really good since I did throw my lunch up. "Give me 5 minutes and I'll bring it up to you." My dad tells me as he was opening the fridge to pull out leftovers. I smiled at him.

I made my way to my room to change into pajamas. I curl up in bed and turn on the TV.

I hear a knock on my door, "come in." I yell to who I'm assuming is my dad on the other side. The door opens to reveal my half-gray-haired father. He has a plate of food in his hands and hands me it. I gladly take it. "So what happened at the party?" He asked concerned. "Nothing, we got there and I just smelled the alcohol and bugs didn't like it," I said finally taking a bite of the delicious food in front of me. "Did you just run off or did you tell your friends why you threw up?" "I just ran off," I answered with some food still in my mouth. "I know you want me to keep the secret too, but it's going to get out eventually." My dad makes a good point. "I'll take the risk," I tell him. He looks at me with understanding and kisses my forehead.

--

"YNN wake up!" I hear my dad yell from behind the door. I roll my eyes and yell groggily, still half asleep. "What?" My dad opens the door, "you have a visitor by the name of Jessica." Dad looked at me confused as I gave him the same look. I walk down to the front door and see my friend looking at me. She runs for me and embraces me in a bear hug. I stumble backward at the hard contact.

She grabs my shoulders and looks at me in the eyes, "are you okay?" I smile at her. "Yeah." I laugh and pull her into my room. "We've all been calling and texting you like crazy." She informed me like I didn't know. "I know." I huff sitting on my unmade bed. "Why have you been ignoring us? Especially me. I thought we really had a bonding moment last night." She said sitting next to me. "I didn't mean to Jess, I must've eaten something bad for lunch, and I didn't want to be sick around everyone. When I got home I went straight to bed." I lie straight through my pearly white teeth. "Oh, I completely understand. You should've told us you didn't feel good." "I didn't want to ruin the mood, everyone was so ready to party," I confess. I didn't want to ruin the mood.

"Well, Jeff and Scott were worried sick about you." She confesses to me. "Do you feel better today?" She asks hopefully. "Yeah, a lot." "Well good, because you need to be ready for your date with Jeff." I looked at her confused. How the hell did she know about my date, because I didn't tell her? 

"Jeff told me he was taking you to the lake." She said as if she read my mind. "You should feel special he's taking you to the lake." I looked at her super confused this time. Why should I feel special? What is so special about a lake? "The lake is about an hour drive from here, when he gets super stressed out or just needs to be alone he goes up to the lake." I used to have a spot like that but mine was a creek about 10 minutes from my house. No one knew that was my place to escape except one person. That one person ruined my life.

- I start running, I run til my legs give out from underneath me. Sam and I had a fight, ever since I was 14 I go to the creek. I'm sitting by the waterfall, listening to the water rushing down the rocks, an owl hooting up in the trees. The moon seemed to light everything up. 

I see a black truck make its way down the road. I instantly freeze. The truck stops, "YN?" I hear a male voice slowly approach. "Andy?" I ask recognizing the voice. "What are you doing out here?" He asks as he takes a seat next to me. I shrug, "Sam and I got into a fight again." I huff wiping the tears away. 

"Whenever I need to get away from life for a little bit, I come out here. No one rarely comes out here." I confess and shrug my shoulders. My hands go in the water and make circles. Andy quietly sits next to me.

"I promise I won't tell anyone about this place for you." He smiles at me. "Thanks, Andy." I lean on him. -

I looked at her with a smile. "I'm ready," I say unsure if I believe my words. I'm scared. I'm scared of getting hurt again. "Good, let's go eat and then I'll get you ready." I smile, "okay." We walk out of my room and walk down the stairs to see just my dad in the kitchen on the phone. I smile at my dad as he looked super stressed, yelling at whoever is on the other end. Probably work stuff that I don't get. 

I shrug at Jess as she gave me a questioning look because of my dad. She shakes off her look as I open the fridge and freezer. I hand her some waffles. I feel my stomach rumble. I quickly pop the waffles in the toaster. "Do you want some coffee?" I whisper to her, trying not to interrupt my dads yelling match on the phone. "Sure," she smiles at me. I quickly start the coffee maker.

My phone rings on the counter, indicating a text. I grab it and see it's Jeff. My smile instantly appears on my face. There's just something about this guy. 

Jeff; Hey YNN, are we still on for tonight? 

I feel a surge of guilt about last night. 

Me; Absolutely. 

I will apologize on the drive to the lake. 

I want to see if he will believe a bullshit lie I come up with. I might stick to the lie I told Jess that I just ate something bad for lunch and didn't want to ruin the party. "I'm going to pick an outfit for you while you go shower." Jess pushes me into my bathroom. I laugh. "Okay. Nothing too over the top please." I smile at my new best friend. "Of course." She flips her hair over her shoulder. I shut my bathroom door, and strip down and turn on the water. Not too hot. I turn sideways in the mirror to see if I can tell if I'm gaining any weight. A little pudgy but nothing drastic yet. I rub my belly as I smile at my growing baby bump. It doesn't matter what happened, I still love this little baby that is growing inside me.

-- I run to the nearest bathroom, thankfully it's empty, I lock myself in the stall and lost control. It all came out. I sink beside the toilet and start sobbing. "Why?" I instantly knew. -

Jess hands me my underwear and bra first as I stand before her in just my towel. "Okay here," she hands me a really cute outfit. "Thank you. It's so cute Jess." I hug her as I finished zipping my jacket halfway. "You're welcome. Now sit." She pulls out my vanity chair. --

"You look perfect. You don't look like you're trying too hard at all." Jess smiles at me, as I smile back at her in the full-length mirror. I'm still super nervous about this date with Jeff. I look at my reflection, my curly hair cascading down my back. My natural makeup complementing my eyes perfectly. "Jeff will be a fool if he doesn't think you're beautiful right now." I smile at Jess and plop onto my bed next to her. I have 20 minutes left before he was going to pick me up for our date. I pull out my phone and scroll through my social media.

"So did you tell Scott what happened?" Jess interrupts my reading about something not important. 

To be honest, I haven't even thought about Scott in the last 24 hours, my date with Jeff has gotten me too preoccupied. 

"Honestly haven't thought about it," I say truthfully. "You at least need to let him know you're okay." Jess retorts. I huff thinking back to seeing him and Chloe flirting at our lockers. 

"Why? It's not like he cares he's probably with Chloe anyway." I say bitchy, at the ache in my heart that wasn't there 1 minute prior. "Why would you say that?" She asks worried about my switch in demeanor. "Jess you didn't see the way Scott looked at her or Chloe looked at him yesterday in the hall or even lunch." I huff trying not to be too butthurt about this stupid crush. "YNN, Chloe is just jealous because she found out that Scott kind of likes you, and he invited you to guys night at Bryce's place earlier this week." She confesses. "No girl is allowed at guys night, not even me and I'm Justin's girlfriend." She continues. "Chloe sees you as a threat." She looks at me sympathetically. "But honestly you have nothing on her. At least you're not a conniving bitch." She laughs. "Hey, you don't know me that well yet," I say half-joking. 

What will everyone think when my secret does come out. I know it's inevitable that it will get out. What do I say when I gain 20 pounds in the next 3 months? I've been binge eating because my dad actually cooks homemade meals.

I hear a knock on my door, knowing it's my dad, I casually say, "come in." Sure enough, it was my dad, "So am I meeting this boy before he goes out with my daughter?" He smiles at me. Wonder how he knew I was going out tonight? Maybe he overheard Jess and mines conversation. I smile at my over-protective father, "If you want." I shrug, not really caring if my dad meets Jeff. Jeff is a great guy and he seems like a boy my dad would love to see me go out with. "Of course I want to meet the young man that is taking my daughter out tonight." He smiles the same smile I have. "Okay," I smile back. 

I look back down to my phone and quickly type.

Me; Hey Jeff so my dad wants to meet you before you take me out. 

I send it. 

Jeff; Of course. 

My butterflies come back. The first date since everything happened 2 months ago. 

-- Sam hands me a red solo cup, "what is it?" I ask. "Try it." He says. I take a sip, my nose scrunches and I instantly get a warm feeling. I smile knowing exactly what it is. I take another drink. --

I hear the doorbell and I hurry to the door, but my dad beats me to it. I huff as my dad opens the door revealing the tall man. He immediately smiles at my dad, "Hello Mr. YLN, I'm Jeff Atkins." He holds his hand out for my dad to shake. "Nice to meet you Jeff, but you can call me YDN." He takes his hand and shakes it. My nerves quickly subside seeing my dad impressed with his handshake. 

My dad looks at me just as they let go of their handshake. "Hi YN," Jeff smiles his perfect smile at me. His plain white shirt covered by a black jacket. I smile at him. "Hey Jeff," I casually say, trying to calm my butterflies in my belly. "Hey Jeff," Jess interrupts our moment. "Hey, Jess." He smiles a friendly smile. I didn't know guys had a different smile for everyone, my dads was a nervous one, mine was a relaxed perfect smile, and Jess's was a friendly one.

I couldn't help but feel more compelled by this guy.

"So where are you going?" My dad interrupts everyone and turns his attention to Jeff. Jeff's eyes immediately meet my dad's gaze. "The lake, it's about an hour North of here." He says honestly. My dad quickly shakes his head, "What time should I expect YNN home?" He presses again, "11?" Jeff says as more of a question. "Okay, have fun." I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding. I smile at my dad. This is the first time I've ever seen him act like a normal dad to an 18-year-old daughter. 

"Are you ready YNN?" Jeff asks holding his hand out to me. I smile a relaxed smile and grab his hand. "I love you, dad." He bends down a little so I can kiss his cheek. "Love you, be careful." "I will take good care of her I promise," Jeff answers for me. My dad shakes his head in confirmation at Jeff.

We walk out to Jeff's Chevy Silverado, Jess trailing behind us. "Have fun guys." She says to us as she climbs into her Rover. "We will," Jeff answers. I smile. He opens the door for me to climb into his truck. He closes the door when I'm securely in. I blush, no guy has ever done that for me. He climbs into the driver's side. He huffs. "Hi YN." He looks over at me and smiles to me. "Hi, Jeff." I smile at his nervousness. He starts backing out onto the main road.

"So how are you?" He asks confident, all the nerves that were surrounding us just seconds ago disappear. Relaxed. That's a good word to describe how I feel. "I'm good, I feel a lot better." Remembering my run out last night. I huff preparing myself to lie. "I'm sorry about last night..." I trail off. 

He grabs my hand that was in my lap, he intertwines our fingers, "It's okay, Jess told me your lunch didn't agree with you." I smile guilty, hopefully, he can’t see the guilt in my smile. "I completely understand YNN. I just wish you would've told me, I would've gone with you." He looked at me with a sympathetic look and looked back to the road. His fingers still intertwined in my mine. I smile at his huge hands that swallow my child like hands.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks taking me off-guard. I cant tell him what I'm really thinking about, which is if only he knew the truth would I be going to his favorite place to hide out. The answer is no. He's 18 years old he has his whole future planned out; I assume. "Thinking about how you're taking me to your place." He looked at me confused, "What do you mean my place?" I huff, remembering my place, and how that place is now a haunted memory of what happened to me. "The place no one knows about, the place you go to too hide out from the world. When the world gets to much for you to take, you go there and feel like everything is good with the world again."

I huff remembering when my dad told me he was leaving I ran for a half hour to the creek. I just heard all the sounds of nature, the creeks water talking to the birds in the trees. "Everyone knows about it. Just no one is allowed to come with me when I go up there." His grip tightens on the wheel, like I hit a huge nerve saying that. "Why?" I simply ask. That was like me, no one was ever allowed to go with me down there. "Because when I'm in a bad mood, no one wants to be around me." He confesses. His grip loosens just a little bit. I drop the subject. I'll ask a little more later. I might confess my secret place to him. I'll keep one little detail out though. 

- "YFN!" My dad yells. "No, dad you're leaving me!" I scream with tears streaming down my freckled face. "To make a better life for us." He explains. "No, to make a better life for yourself. To get away from me, my mom." 

I cant stand here anymore. I run out the front door. "YN! YN!" I hear my dad scream after me. I run, I run til my little legs cant do it anymore. I continue to walk. The trees get thicker. The creek is rushing past me. I collapse next to the creek. The birds whistle all around me, the sound of the creek rushing past without a care in the world. No one can find me.

[theunkillablebitchseries]

5. I don’t know if I’d call it vulnerability

Lately I’ve been getting the question, “How are you so vulnerable?” And vulnerable I guess is what they think of my transparency when it comes to what I’ve experienced. My mental health/therapy journey, my cancer/treatment story, my survivorship stuff, and every other bump along the winding way. 

I hadn’t really thought about it much. What got me to this point of being “vulnerable.” The easy answer is my diagnosis prompted this need to share/overshare.  

But when I actually think about it, when I want an answer that feels honest, I think back to some random 3am night during the early days of my treatment. Probably March or April. I remember being in a lot of pain, my stomach was a riot of nausea and aching hunger. I hadn’t eaten in days because everything I ate would come back up either way, but I was working on eating a mandarin. 

I was sitting on floor next to my bed, the light from my closet glowing, the citrus burning my sensitive mouth and kind of having an out of body moment. I remember thinking, “this really can’t be happening to me.” Honestly, I had a lot of moments like that during treatment- moments of shock and disbelief that I really was a cancer patient. Strangely enough it rarely happened when I was actually hooked up to the drugs twice a week. It’d mainly happen when I’d be doing normal things, like going to the store or just sitting at home. Living in that dichotomy of doing “normal” while being a cancer patient was disorienting now that I think about it. 

Back to that night, I remember after a particularly vicious bout of pain (I really don’t know how to describe the pain other than it felt like my bones were being crushed, my skin was overheating and I was just very dizzy) that night, I tried getting my breathing under control, just trying to breathe in and out and unclench my tense body. I didn’t have many moments when I thought I was going to die, but when I did it usually was prompted by pain I could not see my way out of. 

This was one of those nights. So this really sharp all over body pain happens right, and when I’m able to catch my breath the first coherent thought I have is, “Fuck if I die, do my parents even know me???” While it was a very unsettling question it did distract me from the pain so I continued down that lovely train of thought and my gut answer at the time was, “No Jenni, if you die at the ripe age of 20 your parents would not know you.” And then it became this rabbit hole type thinking where I thought, would my sister be able to say she knew me well? Would my best friends? Do the people I love know, without a doubt that I love them as deeply as I do? And at the time I was sure the answer would be no. And that scared the fuck out of me. 

While I think I was open to some degree about my life before this little cancer situation happened, I think I was very open about my thoughts and opinions on things. Not so much my feelings. I had always held my emotions pretty close to my chest. One because I’m really shy contrary to popular belief, and two I think many of us can agree that being discerning with who we share ourselves with is very necessary in many situations. I learned that from an early age and never really let it go. My reticence has served as a very necessary survival mechanism for me throughout my life. But I’ve said before on my other blog and this one too I think, that cancer really just cracked me open in the best most uncomfortable way. 

So I’m sitting on my bedroom floor, mostly in the dark, in some of the worst pain in my life and my panic went from, “this pain is going to kill me” to “I don’t want to be this impossible and unknowable person.” I used to have this fucked up idea about love, that is comes in short supply- or not to get weird or anything but it’s almost like I had this capitalistic view on my love “supply.” I thought, for some reason I’m not too sure, that the less demonstrative I was with my affection and love, the more meaningful it was when I would give it and show it. I operated under this idea that I shouldn’t be demonstrative because it would cheapen the emotion, when in reality there is no such thing as a limit to love and caring and empathy. At least, not for me. 

I just started thinking to myself, that I have always been a pretty straightforward person, but never really direct with my emotions. People think I’m very comfortable with being vulnerable but I’m not- it’s an effort to be transparent and it’s uncomfortable still for me to be so open but I want to be knowable (if that’s a word), I don’t want to be this mystery, I don’t want my loved ones to not know where they stand with me, even though emotional intimacy is something I still struggle with, even though being straightforward with my emotions feels like such a risk. And not just with emotions but just with everything- being transparent about my life struggles is still difficult for me. 

But I want to be an open book. I don’t want to be cool or closed off or distant or give the impression everything is always fine and I’m living in the silver lining always. I want to be honest. Because what’s the risk in letting someone know I care about them? What’s the risk in saying, “I am confused and excited and figuring things out.” What’s the risk in saying, “I want to spend more time with you,” or “you are so important to me.” 

So this endeavor to want to be this “knowable” person started with a really excruciating night and a mandarin and a tangential thought about dying. 

And it’s lead me here. 

Conversations with my parents. I tell my mom I love her even though we both get awkward about it. I call my sister my best friend. I tell my best friends I’m proud of them. I call one of them the love of my life because she is amazing. I’ve declared myself the third wheel to two of my favorite couples ever because I love spending time with them. I double, triple, quadruple text sometimes because I miss my friends. I tell people I want to spend time with them. I tell people I want to get to know them better. I say, “I love you,” before hanging up the phone or saying goodbye. I write a TMI blog that gives way too much insight to my convoluted head, where I write for myself but then share with whoever. I have emotional days and spill to twitter or instagram or Facebook to whoever will listen that I’m so grateful to be alive and in this complicated and frightening body because fuck it- I could die today. In the next 2 minutes. Or I could not. I don’t know. I’m not big on regrets, but being an island of a person would be a huge regret of mine. A regret I care not to have. 

I have found so much freedom in being wildly straightforward. I have found so much freedom in having no chill. I have none. And I love it. Because I get to author my life, I get to let the people in and around my life know what my story is, and what their place in it is without any grey area. 

I know some people may call this brave, at this point I try not to think too hard on my choice of sharing/not sharing, so is it really bravery if I try not to put too much thought behind it? I’m not sure. I don’t know if this is vulnerability or a product of survivorship or both, but I know I just want to be honest. Mess, no chill, cringe and all. 

- Your Favorite Unkillable Bitch

[silhouetted-beauty]

“Guess Who”- Part 2

Genre: Smut

Word Count: 3,347

A/N: Tada! This is for all the wonderful readers who liked, reblogged, and asked me to make a part 2. And I’m just here to say… you guys are very naughty people with very dirty minds and should be ashamed of yourselves lol. Enjoy and Happy Readings!^^

 You watched as Yoongi exited the bedroom, leaving you there naked and stupefied. Seconds later, after coming to your senses, you jumped up and put on one of Tae’s large shirts. The sweater you originally were going to put on lay on the floor where you left it the moment Yoongi came in. You could hear Tae getting closer to the room as he laughed and joked with Jungkook. You quickly searched for you panties but couldn’t locate them. It was then that you remembered Yoongi was last seen holding them in his hand. Your pussy tightened and your body quivered at the memory. Despite the situation and the trouble you were now in, you could help but bask in the past of what just happened.

Taehyung enter his room just seconds after you lowered the shirt over your thighs. Almost instantly, a smile appeared on his face after seeing you in his bedroom. You smiled back, however, yours didn’t reach as far as his did. 

“Hey, princess.” He said happily, opening his arms to embrace you. You breathed in his scent, getting hit with a wave of emotions to which you tried to hide from your boyfriend. He pulled away to look at you. “Came over to wear my clothes again, huh? Why don’t I changed into something comfortable with you then we can do whatever you want.”

You nodded in silence, moving away to watch him get undress. Your heart was racing in your chest. Guilt was hitting you hard for what you had done behind his back. Taehyung was your boyfriend, not Yoongi. You had no business allowing him to touch you without the consent and presence of your boyfriend. You swallowed hard, feeling sick to your stomach. 

“Actually, Tae. I want to take a quick shower.” You walked to the door, ready to leave to get some much needed air. 

“That’s fine. I’ll join you in a minute-“ He suggested.

“NO!” You yelled but quickly lowered your voice. “I mean... I’m only going to be a second. Besides, I want us to spend our time in your bed, not the bathroom where the other members might interrupt.” You tried to hide your nervousness by being seductive and lucky for you, it worked.

Taehyung smirked at you, his dark eyes glancing over your body before coming to rest at your face. “Then you better hurry, princess. I wouldn’t want to come in there to get you out and we end up staying longer.” He stated but really it was a warning. 

You smiled and nodded your head, quickly leaving the room. You greeted a couple of the other members as you rushed into the bathroom. You shut the door behind you and leaned against it. After closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you turned on the water, undressed, and climbed inside the shower. You let the lukewarm water cool down your overheating body in hopes that it will cool your thoughts as well. Your hand traced over your skin, recounting everything he said to you.

“I meant what I said about getting a taste of you alone and this time your eyes will be open and you will be moaning MY name, got it?”

You let the water run through your hair to your scalp and down your face. Your hands roamed over both mounds of breasts, remembering that his mouth was just touching them. They moved down your stomach, following the same path that he did. 

“This isn’t over, y/n. Not even close.”

You replayed his voice over and over. It was thick with lust and your stomach dropped just dreaming about it. When your hands reached your pussy, your eyes shot open and you quickly moved them away. 

You couldn’t touch yourself to the thought of another man. Not when Tae was in his bedroom waiting on you. Your hand cupped your mouth as you silently cried in your palm. The look of pain in his face is what made you cry. He asked you to be his girlfriend and trusted you to be faithful to him but you didn’t. Tae will be so heartbroken when he hears the news. The thought almost made you want puke. You loved the hell out of him and wasn’t ready to let that go.

Turning off the water and standing there a bit, you worked up the courage to tell him the truth. You stepped out of the shower wrapping a towel around your body and another around your head. Opening the bathroom door, you stormed out practically running towards his bedroom. You didn’t care if anybody else saw you, what matter was Taehyung... only Taehyung. If you didn’t tell him now then you knew you would never be able to look him in the face again.

You burst through the door, your chest heaving up and down as you tried to catch your breath. Taehyung was casually surfing the net but stopped and looked up at you. “We need to talk.”

He lowered his phone until it lay flat on the bed. Worried, Tae got up and came to you. “What’s going on, princess?”

“Please don’t call me that, Tae. Not when I’ve haven’t been good to you.”

“What do you mean?”

You took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. “I’ve cheated on you.”

“You did what?..” Taehyung looked as though you slapped him in the face. Your eyes watered again and you almost wanted to just run away. 

“I cheated on you... but I didn’t mean to. I came to see you like always but Yoongi came in the room while I was changing. He told me was the one who was with us that day... and he... he ate me out. I’m so sorry, Tae.” You cried. “But it’s not all his fault. He was going to fuck me before you came and I almost let him. I’m just as guilty as he is.”

Tae remained quiet and you were scared to look up at him for fear he was displaying a face that showed how ashamed of you he was. You feared that you may have gone as far as hurting his pride and feelings as a man. The room became quiet as neither one of you said a word. You swallowed, ready to tell him that you would just get your things and go but you felt him grab your wrist. Tae dragged you out of the room and down the hallway to a closed door. You followed closely, gripping the towel to you. The one on your head had fell off and was now lying in the middle of the floor. Without even knocking, Tae opened the door and pulled you right in behind him. Yoongi was sitting on his bed with his back resting against his headboard. His laptop was open and his face was buried into that but when he saw you both enter, his face contorted into a frown.

“Well?...” Tae asked him. You could hear the anger in his voice.

“Well what?” Yoongi asked just as brutally, raising an eyebrow.

“Don’t you have anything to say about what you’ve done?!”

“And what have I done?”

You shifted behind him which caused Tae to smirk. “Princess, here, told me everything so you can stop the act.”

Yoongi’s eyes shifted to you but you looked down unable to meet his gaze. He scoffed and closed his laptop, placing it on the floor. “Okay, I admit it. I did it.”

“But why? We had an agreement! That one time and that was it.”

Yoongi rubbed his head in irritation. “Yeah and I apologize. I know we had an agreement but I just couldn’t control myself. I just had to see for myself what you’ve always bragged about.”

Taehyung’s eyebrow slowly lifted in the air. His mouth slightly opened as his tongue traced the inside of his cheek pushing his skin out. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke up. “If it will help you get over your infatuation with her then I’ll let you have her just this once. But you better make sure you get enough because it will never happen again.”

Throughout the entire conversation your head had been down until you heard Tae’s offer. Your head shot up in shock. Yoongi already had a smirk present on his face as he nodded. Before you could say anything, Tae pulled you forward, practically throwing you on Yoongi’s bed. 

“Tae, wait!” You tried to get up while struggling to keep the towel wrapped around you. He stepped forward, leaning his head down just inches from yours. 

“If I was you, princess, I’d jump at the offer especially after telling me how you didn’t even try to stop Yoongi hyung from touching you.”

“But I... you’re not mad?” You asked confused but he simply smiled.

“Do you want me to be mad?” 

From the tone of his voice, it was as though Tae would be more upset if you didn’t fuck Yoongi. You shook your head, agreeing to go along with the situation. Yoongi wasted no time getting up on his knees and dragging you to the center of his bed. 

“Looks like you’re all mines, baby cakes.” He teased, moving to get situated between your legs. “Even though Taehyung is here, my rules still apply.” He gripped your thighs and pushed them apart. “You moan my name and you moan it loud. I don’t care if everyone in the entire dorm can hear you.”

And with that, he lowered his face to your pussy to finish what he had started. His tongue parted your lips and licked away at your center. You grunted with your head tossed back. You fought to control your body, already your hands were running through his hair pulling his mouth closer. Now that he had time to take like he wanted, he was going to savor this moment. Yoongi sucked your lips into his mouth, pulling on them before letting go. He gave your slit a rough lick up to your clit. His tongue rolled the sensitive nub on his tiny muscle. Your body had given up the fight completely and allowed him to have his way with you. He made sure to gather your arousal that escaped from your entrance, spreading it over your lips and sucking it off after. Your back arched off the bed as you moaned his name, unconsciously rolling your hips back on his face. 

“Louder, princess. You know the rules; show me again that you are good at following them.” Tae said.

Yoongi’s ministrations grew rougher. His tongue licked over your clit before sucking it into his mouth. He brought one of his hands to your pussy, using two fingers to penetrate your walls. His other hand came up and snatched your towel open so he could see your body. Your breasts bounced as your body twitched at his actions. You reached your peak of pleasure, just a few motions away from cumming.

“Yoongi...” You breathed out but made sure it was loud enough for both males to hear.

Yoongi ignore your cries of his name although it made his dick solid in his pants. You turned to look at Tae who was staring at you unmoved with his arms crossed. This was his decision, only he had the power to stop this. You opened your mouth to speak but only a groan came out. Your thighs squeezed around his head as you came, releasing a loud sigh of bliss. 

Yoongi sat up and pulled his shirt over his head. He made quick work of his pajama pants and they soon joined his shirt on the floor. He moved to the head of the bed where your head lied and wasted no time shoving his cock in your mouth. You hollowed your cheeks, creating a light suction as Yoongi pumped his cock in and out of your mouth. Your tongue ran along the underside of his cock allowing him to go deeper. Yoongi wasn’t sure if Tae would have a problem with this. All he knew was that he had to fuck you how he wanted while he had the chance and that included fucking your mouth. Your lips looked so full and plumped around his shaft. He always imagined how you would look with his dick buried down your throat. Just the sight of it now almost made him want to watch you swallow his cum. 

“Shit, baby cakes. You don’t how long I dreamt of this. You definitely know how to use your mouth more than tattle-telling.” He grunted.

Yoongi reached over and plunged two fingers back into your pussy causing you to moan around his shaft. His fingers curled and he began fucking you to a pace like his dick will he replace them. Tae watched as Yoongi’s fingers had your pussy gushing juices all over the bed. You looked so docile lying there and he couldn’t help the hardness that formed in his jeans. You were always such an obedient girl and he loved that about you. No matter what he asked, you did it.

Yoongi pulled out of your mouth and once again dragged your body across his bed. He positioned you on your back at the end of the bed where your head hung over the edge. You had a good view of Tae’s upside down profile and he had a good view of Yoongi fucking into you. Right away, Yoongi shoved your legs as far apart as they could go and pressed them down to the mattress. In one quick motion, he entered you to the hilt, stuffing your love channel to the brim. The action itself was enough to solicit a moan from everyone in the room, including Tae. He watched Yoongi brutally fuck you, your breasts bouncing with each thrust. 

“Shit, Yoongi! Oh my god! Yes!” Your sweet voice chanted. 

Tae close his eyes and listened to the beautiful melody. When he opened them, he made up his mind to join in on the fun, but not interrupt Yoongi’s reign of control. He undressed and walked closer to where your head was positioned. Already knowing what he wanted, you opened your mouth wide and allowed your boyfriend to fuck your throat. Both of Tae’s hands guided down your throat until they rested on your breasts. He pulled and tweaked your nipples, listening as you groaned in approval. One of your hands held on to Yoongi’s waist and the other held on to Tae’s hip, helping you brace yourself. Both males looked up at each other, smirks and smiles presents on the faces. You were smiling too although they couldn’t see it. They were giving your body so much pleasure that you wouldn’t have mind dying in that position. Those two, together, were a dangerous pair. It was like they fed off each other’s dominant energy.

Yoongi moves one of his hands off your thighs and to your clit, slowly massaging it under his thumb. Your orgasm had reared its head and washing over you for a second time. When he felt you tightened around him, his pace quickened. He looked up at Tae once again to communicate through their silence language. Tae shook his head, already knowing what he was asking. He may have let Yoongi fuck you but you were still his girl and this time, Yoongi was not allowed to cum inside you. Yoongi had to admit, he was a little disappointed but at least he got to satisfy his craving for you. A couple more thrusts had him pulling out and cumming all over your stomach. He moved away to catch his breath, sitting back against his headboard. Tae’s suddenly pulled out of your throat and moved you so that you were lying on your stomach between Yoongi’s spread legs. He lifted your hips in the air and filled your abused pussy again. His thrusts were just as urgent as Yoongi’s, if not worst. His grip on your hips was enough to make you cry out in pain the pounding of his cock in your walls is what kept you moaning for more. You knew this was your punishment for not behaving like a good girl and you didn’t mind at all. As long as he kept slamming you back on his cock, you didn’t care what he did to you.

“Shit, baby... please keep fucking me! I’ve been such a very bad girl! I need to be punished more!” You begged.

Tae heard your cries and was more than willing to help you with that. He picked up speed, reaching around pinching your swollen clit between his thumb and index finger. Your body fell helplessly to the bed and Tae had to wrap his arm around your waist to keep you up. When you raised your head to look up, Yoongi was slowly stroking his thick cock and it was once again standing firm in his hand. Your mouth watered at the sight and he was able to deduce what you wanted by the look in your eyes. Yoongi slid closer and tightly gripped your hair. You opened your mouth and he slid his cock into your awaiting wet warm space. Your head bobbed to the movement of his hips, making him groan with his head tossed back. Tae drove his cock deep into your walls and stayed there, grinding against your ass. You released a loud muffled grunt. He was rubbed the wall of your cervix before pulling out and repeated the aggressive act. With his fingers still dragging along your clit, you instantly gotten lost in your own world, blacking out leaving Tae and Yoongi to use your body as they see fit. Yoongi shoved his cock down your throat and came shooting spurt after spurt for you to swallow. Tae bit down on his bottom lip picking up momentum before burying his cock deep in your pussy to paint the inside. He collapsed on top of you, his body dripping with sweat. The three of you remained quiet until Yoongi spoke.

“That was great. Thank you both but now I’m fucking drained and would like to get some sleep. So could you kindly get the fuck out?” He stated falling back on his bed and settling under the blanket.

Tae dressed in his pants and offered you his shirt to wear. He led you into the bathroom where he washed and bathed you both before wrapping you in a towel and carrying you, bridal style, into his bedroom. He removed the towels and laid you on the bed, climbing right behind you to cuddle. You held onto his arm as it came around to lock you in place. You took in his company, breathing a sigh of contentment but something was still nagging you.

“Tae,” You started, listening to see if you had his attention. When you did, you continued. “I’m sorry for going behind your back with Yoongi. I never wanted to make you mad or feel insecure.”

“Huh? What are you talking about, princess? I was never mad or insecure.”

“You mean... you weren’t upset by me having sex with Yoongi or finding out it was him?”

Tae’s face contorted into confusion. “Why would I be?”

Well... because I... I thought-“

“Y/n, that day was meant for you. No matter if Yoongi hyung joined, both of our attention was on you. I didn’t care if you found out or not. Today just happened to be for him. Even though you guys had started without me, I can’t get mad at you. Especially when I saw you were having a breakdown over our potential breakup.”

“Then what was point of having me close my eyes and focus on you?”

Tae smiled. “Wasn’t it more exciting, knowing another person was there yet you couldn’t see who it was?” You had to admit that he was right. Tae made sure the sex between the two of you was always unpredictable and thrilling. Now if only you could think of a way to get back at him.

~

©2017 Silhouetted_Beauty

[rofics]

Hidden Omega (Part 42)

Fandom: Bts (Got7 + Big Bang + B.A.P + Monsta X + Seventeen + Block B+Vixx+TVXQ+Exo) Who doesn’t love a good ensemb Pairing:  Namjoon x Everybody Genre: Smut/Fluff/Angst Au: Canon / Omegaverse au Length: 3.4k Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33, Part 34, Part 35, Part 36, Part 37, Part 38,  Part 39, Part 40, Part 41

Summary:

Daesung and Namjoon has some fluffy talk, and time to tease Jackson!

As Yugyeom went to pay for him and Namjoon, something he refused to back down from no matter how much Namjoon tried to say that he was okay with paying, Daesung and Namjoon was left alone at the table to say their goodbyes.

Namjoon had still not really gotten over how easy it was to talk with the older idol. As the other omega looked sadly at his empty bowl that had held icecream before Namjoon finally managed to ask the question he had wanted to ask all evening. “Does it hurt?”

Daesung just looked confused at Namjoon like he didn’t really understand what the rapper was asking. “What hurts?”

“Pre-heat.” Namjoon mumbled blushing a little, it still felt weird asking question like that. But he really wanted and needed to know what he could expect.

Daesung licked his spoon one last time, pouting a little when he found no taste of the ice cream left, he was craving sweets! And the rest of his pack was always so overprotective since they knew that if he ate too many sweets during preheat he would hate himself after it when he forced himself to the gym at all weird times of the day.

For a second he thought of lying to Namjoon. He knew why the younger was asking, but he also knew that lying wasn’t right. He had promised himself and Namjoon that he would never lie to him. Namjoon deserved and needed somebody to be upfront with him, somebody who he could always come to who would never lie, but also would be there for him.

“Both yes and no, my preheat is bad. I have 4 alphas, no betas and no omegas. My preheat is long and annoying. Since I don’t really have the body of an omega my body is trying to force me to store up more fat for me to survive when I start actually going into heat. I have the tendency to be very hard to force to eat.” Daesung played a little with the spoon, not sure how much he should explain to Namjoon. But it was best he explained everything since he had an idea that nobody else was going to.

“I am overheating all the time, but I am also freezing which is annoying!” That did explain why Daesung was slightly red on his face from overheating, but also wrapped up in a hoodie that seemed too big for him. Not for the first time Namjoon thought about how short Daesung actually was. Even with his broad shoulders and muscle mass, plus the fact he could without a doubt take down Namjoon if he wanted to, he still looked kinda cute.

His blue hair had dried while they were eating, and was just a mess on his head from how many times Daesung had ran his hair through it during the visit. “I get needy for affection, but that is very normal even if you aren’t in a pack. Since I have 4 alphas my mind is even more, and it is so annoying. I have no omega or beta to even out the mess of my mind I can easily lose myself to it if I don’t focus. I try to spend as much time as I can with other omegas or betas.“ Daesung pouted again, clearly not happy with what his body made him do. “I spend a lot of time with either Jessica, from the 2NE1 pack,” like Namjoon needed an explanation for the biggest kpop scandal to happen at that time he knew everything possible he could, “she is very calming. That is the problem with YG in general seeming to suck at being able to recruit omegas.” Daesung laughed a little at that, and Namjoon thought it over for a second he had a point.

He could remember when he was younger and he first saw 2NE1 they were so different from everything else around. They had no omega in their group at all, but still somehow seemed to work. When Jessica joined the 2NE1 pack and only 2 weeks later dropped her contract with SM the entire fanbase was in shock. That had never happened before. Now that Namjoon thought about it, that in the JYJ/TVXQ case might be the reason that SM wrote so harsh contracts now a days.

“Is that why you wanted to meet me today? Because I am an omega?” While Namjoon was kinda flattered that Daesung picked him as an omega, but he thought Daesung wanted to spend time with him just as a human.

Daesung quickly corrected himself. “Of course that is not the reason Namjoon. Please don’t think that while yes I did pick you because you might actually keep my ice cream secret, but also because I wanted to just talk with you. I would like use to be friends, and I thought we had made a good step towards it.”

Now it was Namjoon’s turn to blush again. “I’m sorry… I just get really defensive easily about my sub gender.” He awkwardly looked down at the table, seeing where the paint were chipped of in place. The parlor clearly being old and in need of a need coat of paint.

Daesung smiled understanding putting his smaller hand on top Namjoon’s on the table. “I have to admit I talked with Jiyong about it, rap and the rap ‘world’ isn’t really something I understand that well as your probably know. I think I understand much better now why you are so defensive about it. I want you to understand that while yes some assholes will judge you for your sub gender, your friends will never do that. And that includes me and Seungri.”

Daesung’s hands were rough, probably from both drumming and time at the gym as his thumb softly stroked the top of Namjoon’s hand. His words in general made Namjoon smile softly. It was weird to think about the fact that he somehow had managed to become friends with not one, but two different members of Big Bang people he looked up to. It was even harder to believe that he actually liked them even more as people than as he did as idols. “Thank you.”

They sat in silence before they both looked over at Yugyeom who saw them looking and wave happily almost hitting the old lady next to him. Daesung laughed a little. “What is wrong with him? Since you brought him here?”

Namjoon sighed a little. “BamBam is in half heat, and he took it a little too far and made Yugyeom sad. He is still sensitive even if he is an alpha.”

The older omega nodded. “I am so glad that I don’t suffer from half heats,” he then seemed to think for a second, “I think I know why it is strong this time for him you said they just had Mark joining them in the pack. Plus you are a being courted by them. Maybe his inner omega is worried that he is going to be seen as ‘old news’ and not important anymore.”

“None of us would ever think that! BamBam is special to all of us plus Mark himself would move the world for him.” Namjoon felt a need to stand up for his friends, for his potential mates.

Daesung gave Namjoon’s hand a light squish from where his own was resting on top of it. “I am not saying they would ever do that. I don’t know Got7 very well, but at this point I know you pretty well and I don’t think you would be friends with them if they were like that. But we don’t always control how our bodies react and think. I know that better than most, when another article is posted about how Seungri is going to leave us I feel it in myself as well. I know it is false, but I can’t control my body’s need to have him close and scent mark him to show the world he is ours.”

It made sense when Namjoon thought about it, for idols the world around them was changing all the time and the only thing they really had constant was their pack. When even that was changing it made sense that BamBam’s inner omega was worried. “Thank you, it is still hard for me to understand not just what other people do but how I feel as well. I have somehow managed to get caught up in this half heat as well helping them… and… it kinda makes me happy. I like it.”

Daesung smiled widely at him as well, his eyes and scrunched up like crescent moons in what he knew as he famous ‘eye-smile’. “I think it is good for you, with your past there is a real chance that you yourself is going to have half heats when you gets a pack. So look forward to that.”

Namjoon whined out. “I don’t even want a real heat, let alone a half heat, this sucks.”

The thing was that Daesung couldn’t hear the self hating tone in his voice. It showed that it wasn’t actually because he hated himself as an omega, which was a big step forward for Namjoon, so he decided to just joke about. “You are going to hate it before and after, but love it during heat.”

Namjoon just whined a little more before they were interrupted by what sounded like the chorus of zutter leaving both of them to fumble after their phone. Just for it to turn out it was Daesung who pouted again when he saw the number as he picked up. “Hey Tabi, no hey calm down I am not dead in a ditch. I told you that I was meeting up with Namjoon, I didn’t? Well I told RiRi, who was supposed to tell you which of course he didn’t

I promise I am okay I have not been omega napped. Jesus christ what is wrong with you? I am not about to be kidnapped you overprotective oak, we are about to leave now.”

Namjoon had to keep a hand in front of his mouth to not laugh as he saw Daesung grimace as what his pack alpha said. “Just relax I swear to god sometimes you and Youngbae are terrible. I am an adult. Oh I got lost once and suddenly you all think I am going to get lost and die here. Goodbye, I will be home soon.” He sighed when he hung up.

“This is another downside to preheat. It is in their biology that they have to protect me during this, even if I am probably better at defending myself than any of them is.” He stared at his phone, before looking up at Namjoon. “It seem like your giraffe has finished paying, that signals it’s time for all of us to leave before people get worried about all of us. I don’t need everybody to think I kidnapped two members of younger groups, Seungri maknaes enough scandals for all of us.” Daesung sounded slightly done with the soft alpha, which made Namjoon giggle.

“Yeah, me and Yugyeom should get bad and make sure that BamBam hasn’t actually accidentally killed somebody.” As Namjoon stood up to say his goodbye he didn’t expect the next thing to happen was Daesung hugging him close. It took a short while for Namjoon to hug back the much shorter idol with a smile. The soft scent of blueberries washing over him, with just a little hint of what Namjoon guessed to be heat. Oh that smelled so much better after he presented. “Be careful.” Namoon couldn’t stop himself from saying it outloud.

Daesung just smiled at him “I always am, or I would be killed by my own over protective pack. You guys be carefull as well,”

Namjoon just nodded. “I better go and get him before he kidnaps that dog.” Yugyeom had found a little dog he was now happily chatting with outside, not even noticing that his hood was down and he was ending up with a minor crowd around him. People probably wondering what a Got7 was doing in the evening outside an old ice parlor trying to befriend a dog.

“Yeah you should do that.” Daesung giggled a little “Also getting dogs is a slippery slope take that as a warning, you think it is only one, but then suddenly everybody has one and you all live together.”

One last hug was shared between the two omegas before Namjoon sighed pulling up his hood grabbing Yugyeom who was sending hearts to the tiny dog who looked just as ready as Yugyeom to run away together and create a future together.

Yugyeom did whiny a little as he intertwined his fingers. Both idols knowing that people were taking pictures of them, but choosing to ignoring it. Namjoon’s focus being on getting both himself and Yugyeom out of this chaos in one healthy piece. Which was not as easy as it sounded.

When Yugyeom and Namjoon managed to get to the front of the Got7 dorm Namjoon got half attacked in a hug by the baby alpha. Something he didn’t understand. “Thank you Joonie!” It was mumbled into his hair by the younger.

Namjoon half awkwardly patted Yugyeom on the back not really sure what to do. “You have nothing to thank me for.”

“Yes I do, you had plans, but because you saw that I wasn’t feeling good you dropped your plans and took me with you ignoring your own plan. Thank you for that, I needed it.”

That made Namjoon smile a little. “Thank you for trusting me.”

“Always.”

The rest of the evening went surprisingly well. BamBam did seem to be very sorry as he spent the rest of the evening in physical contact with Yugyeom, and even if he couldn’t get himself to say outloud how sorry he was, he was showing it instead.

Namjoon spent the rest of the evening petting Jackson’s hair with one hand, while he fiddled with the puzzle box in the other. He was so damn close to getting it open! He could feel how close he was, goddamn it! Why did it have to be so hard! Namjoon knew that he was going to another group very soon, he was going to miss living with Got7. But somehow he was also looking forward to something different. He needed to be open minded, and it had been a while since he had talked to Bang.

When they went to bed that night both Mark and BamBam were cuddled up against Yugyeom. Both showing that they knew that they had gone to far and that they were sorry. Yugyeom smiled one last time at Namjoon before he closed his eyes to finally get some rest. Namjoon felt happy that everything had worked out and he cuddled closer to Youngjae he had already passed out drooling against his collarbones like slobbering little dog.

Peace was over when Namjoon woke up the next morning as he got woken up extra early by BamBam and Mark who signalled for him to be quiet and follow them. Even in his still half sleeping state.

Namjoon wasn’t even sure he knew what happened as he sat in the kitchen rubbing his hairs looking confused at BamBam. “What is wrong?”

“We are going to scare Jackson!” Oh… oh that was cruel, Jackson was already easily scared. But he had to admit it was an easy way to get Jackson’s attention.

He felt slightly guilty as he could feel himself getting more and more interested in it, but he couldn’t really stop himself there was something about this idea that just spoke to him. “Okay where are we starting?”

Both Mark and BamBam seemed happy with how easily he agreed as BamBam pulled out a little stack of way way to life like spiders. “We are going to hide these in his bathroom stuff.” That was when Namjoon noticed.

“BamBam why are those moving, please tell me those aren’t actually real spiders.”

The younger just laughed. “Don’t worry they aren’t real, but they are suppose to be as lifelike as possible. Now come help! We have to hide them in different places. If I know Jackson right, which I do, we can easily get him multiple times with the same spiders in different places.”

Namjoon just did as ordered, helping hiding them in Jackson bathroom stuff and other places as he they then went back to bed. Namjoon was woken again by a loud scream that very clearly belonged to Jackson. So yes it had clearly started.

The rest of the day Jackson clearly got more and more paranoid. Just because the universe seemed to be out to spite Jackson. That one time that he relaxed and refused to believe in a fake spider, it was a real one that they had no part in placing.

They all had the Saturday off and they were slowly exposed to be part of the harass Jackson train. The big change in everything was when it was found that Namjoon was part of it all. Jackson just looked like everything was suddenly wrong as he pulled Namjoon into the nest alone.

Namjoon had thought that he would be in trouble that Jackson was angry with him or anything like that. But it wasn’t really what happened instead Jackson just looked at him sadly. “Am I not paying enough attention to you?” Namjoon wanted to interrupt, to say that Jackson had gotten it all wrong, that it was nothing like that. But Jackson didn’t let him speak instead just sitting down on the bed confused. “I know that BamBam and Mark do this for attention. It is in their genes, but you aren’t having a half heat, you don’t have a pack you can’t get a half heat. Is it because I don’t pay enough attention to you? Am I not good enough?”

Oh Namjoon had fucked up.  

Authors note:

Next chapter is smut... AND THEN WE ARE DONE!

Sooooo does any of you have a guess about what is actually inside the Lock box from B.A.P?

Also a few teasers!

The reason TVXQ broke up... was cause SM tried to force them to change sub-genders, by surgery and pills.

Oh and Heechul is pregnant, not important for the story at all... I just wanted to mention it.

Also did I mention a member of Exo had a pack before Exo? I think I did

Previous Chapter ! Next Chapter 

- Prussia

[pbandjesse]

My allergies started acting up all of a sudden. And my eyes are very very itchy. But today was a pretty good day. James was still sick so he felt sad that our day didn't go the way that he had planned. But I was just so thrilled to have a half day that I didn't mind the changes.

I slept okay last night. Getting up wasn't too hard but it was cold in here. So I got dressed and wear two pairs of leggings. I made the decision to wear fluffy socks but regretted it as soon as I left the house because they fell down all day. And with my foot and toe hurting as much as it does I had to keep taking my issue off and fixing it. And I was just very frustrated. But it was fine. I made breakfast and I walk down to get my bike from the grocery store. And then I biked to the harbor.

The day was fine. I was working 9 to 1. Which while I still didn't love was better than having to work 9 to 6. I was a little annoyed because while me and Jordan were sitting there waiting to open up at 10 Ami called and she called out sick. Like after telling her that I didn't think I could come in today and you're convincing me to come in for half a day and then you take the whole day off. Really. Like I get it it's that time of year but I don't know that kind of really irked me

It was a really boring day though. I told Jordan I was feeling and so he left me down at the desk for most of the day. The first hour we didn't have anyone come in at all so he was also damaged best. We talked and laughed about stuff. Sometimes we were quiet. I just played on my phone. At 11 we finally had someone come in. And by the time I left at 1 we had about 15 people.

In that two hour. We had a really good firing of the cannon. And I worked on one of my last two tests for programs at the ships. And then James came. He looked very sad. He just did not feel good. And I felt bad but he was trying really hard to keep it together. He laid on the floor next to me and we held hands. I showed him apartments in the areas I want to live in. And soon enough it was time for me to go. The New Girl Rebecca came in to replace me and she is so sweet. I'm really glad that she's working at both of my jobs even though I may have to leave the BMI. I really don't want to. But I dread every time I schedule comes out. I'm hoping that having more support over at my teaching job won't take the stress off me a little bit but we'll have to see what happens.

Me and James went and got my bike and then walked up to Christmas Village. I was a little annoyed because everyone decided to be cash only today. And again I have no cash on me. So I got a $5 ATM fee. So my Pretzel was way more expensive than I wanted it to be. And it wasn't even that good of a pretzel. Like it was fine. But I could have gone over to the Pretzel Factory in would have had a better and warmer and fresh or pretzel. But whatever. It was really nice just walking around. We weren't there for very long. It's not very big. And James was tired. So we went and biked up to the Visionary Museum.

We went to the gift shop and James got almost all of the gifts that he needed. I only got one. But I did find a really awesome sticker sheet. After that we both really needed to eat lunch. We were going to try the cafe at the museum but instead we biked up to the diner by the BMI.

It was a little bit of a hard bike ride on me but we made it and it was fine. Food was good. James was a bit delirious and accidentally put sugar on his french fries. And I felt so bad and I tried to convince her to tell the waitress that he messed up. But he wouldn't do it. So he ate sugar fries. But even though we were mostly quiet it was still nice spending time with him.

We wandered over to the bank to get quarters and then to the dollar store to pick up a few more things. And then we headed home.

It was annoying biking with my tote bag. It wouldn't stay on the back and they biking really really frustrating. But soon enough we made it to James's neighborhood. I had to stop for a second I blow my nose because I was drowning. Having a runny nose and trying to bike while you're breathing really hard is very difficult. But we made it home. And I was very overheated and I got stuck in all my clothes. But soon enough we were both laying down and things felt better.

I put on the podcast and he went to go put laundry in the machine. Because the machine wouldn't turn on and all of his clothes were in there with soap on them. But I convinced him to go back down and call the number on the machine and it turned out it just flipped a breaker and everything was good and not a disaster. We ended up falling asleep for like an hour and a half. And it was very much needed.

Though it is always confusing when you go to sleep when the Sun is up and you wake up in the dark. He went down to put his clothes in the dryer and when he came back we watch some videos and at 7 I went home.

I got back here and I took a bath. Just tried to make my foot feel better. It only kind of helped. Hung out with sweet pea in the living room. I just put on my jammies and packed some of the clothes that I'm going to be bringing back home with me. It's been a pretty okay day. I'm really glad that I decided to take the half-day because if I had only been home for two hours now I would be dead. Just absolutely good. I have an overnight tomorrow. James also has an overnight but we're not on the same site. We may be switching so we will be on the same site but that's unclear. For now though I'm going to be on Taney and it'll be a good night. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and go get some groceries and then clean. I would like to set my studio and do something. I haven't been working on art much at all. But I said I was taking some time off until the new year. At least on the new project.

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Be safe.

[thesassybooskter]

COLLISION COURSE by Marie Harte Review, Excerpt & Giveaway

Collision Course by Marie Harte Series: Body Shop Bad Boys #4 Published by Sourcebooks Casablanca Publication Date: January 2nd 2018 Genres: Contemporary Romance Pages: 354 Source: Publisher Format: eARC Goodreads Buy Online: Amazon ♥ Barnes & Noble ♥ Kobo ♥ iBooks

I received this book for free from the Publisher in exchange for an honest review. This does not affect my opinion of the book or the content of my review.

He’s always had a way with the ladies

She won’t give him the time of day

Sparks fly when two hearts in motion collide.

Florist Joey Reeves is working overtime to stay away from Lou Cortez, the ace mechanic with a reputation for irresistible charm. She’s a single mom with enough on her plate—the last thing she needs is entanglement with the hottest guy in town…

“Well, hello there.”

Joey glanced up and froze. The man who’d been haunting her sleep looked even better in the hard light of day.

“H-hello.” She coughed. The guys who worked at Webster’s Garage all looked larger than life, covered in tattoos, muscles, and that indefinable sense of danger they wore like a second skin. But this guy, the tall, Latin lover with dark-brown eyes and lips made for kissing, had ensnared her.

  Review

Like most fans of this series, I was really looking forward to Lou’s story but not for the same reason. Lou did not have the troubled background of the other guys and his large number of female relatives made him very interesting to me. He is the quintessential Latin lover – gorgeous, hot, charismatic and a ladies’ man – and I wanted to know what kind of woman would trip him up. While Joey would not have been my first choice, there is something fitting about a man who has had his pick of the finest and most exotic beauties falling for a quiet, reserved florist. Thankfully, she was not so reserved once you got to know her and was able to hold her own with Lou.

Joey was a very admirable character in her own right. Having to take on a major responsibility at a very younger age meant that she was light-years more mature than her contemporaries and it showed in every one of her decisions. She worked hard to make a better life for herself and her son, in spite of the cost in terms of her relationship with her parents.

Watching Lou go from the smooth know-it-all who always offered his friends the best advice about women to a bumbling, slightly insecure man was very enjoyable, as was having his well-thought out plans about romance and relationships blown up by his feelings for Joey.

The dialogue was fun, and the banter and chemistry among the other characters made this a very entertaining book. There were a lot more secondary characters here, but they all added something to the story and made what would have otherwise been an okay story a lot more enjoyable. The cameos from characters from her other series was one of the highlights of the book for me. 

  Excerpt

Ten minutes and a text later, Joey drove to Becky’s house and planned to indulge in some girl time. Maybe Becky could help her understand her fascination for Lou.

She arrived at Becky’s soon enough. Her friend shared a condo with a teacher friend. As Joey entered, said teacher left with a smile.

“She’s got a date tonight.” Becky motioned to the coffee table, laden with wine, crackers, and cheese. “And apparently now so do I. Dig in.” Becky lowered her voice and said, suggestively, “Welcome to my pad, sweetness. Boom chicka bow bow.”

Joey laughed. “Stop. That only works when I’m the plumber or the delivery guy.”

Becky sighed. “Guess I’ll have to save that for Trent, who’s out of town this weekend. How the hell am I supposed to seduce him when he’s helping his grandmother move?”

“Aw, that’s so nice.”

“Nice ain’t sexy. Gah.” Becky munched on a cracker. “But I’m excited to hang with you. I can’t believe you finally got paroled. So Brandon the criminal is hanging with the other hooligans, eh? Way to dodge that bullet, Joey.”

“Funny.” Joey paused. “Ah, there’s one thing. I can’t stay past eight. I have a…date.”

Becky stared. “Not with sexy Lou again.”

Joey’s silence answered for her.

“Oh my God. Dinner must have gone well the other night. Tell me.”

Joey swallowed. “He was polite, charming. He looked amazing. He’s really built.” She flushed, feeling that “built” inside her all over again. “We talked then walked after dinner. He paid too. And he was so nice, so sweet. We held hands.”

“Romantic.” Becky sighed.

And then last night he bent me over the flower table and made me see stars. Yeah, romantic.

Becky hugged a pillow to her chest, her expression dreamy until her eyes narrowed on Joey’s face. “Why are you blushing so hard? I mean, your face is really pink.” Her eyes widened. “Holy crap. You had sex with him, didn’t you?”

“N-no.” She cleared her throat. “That’s a little personal, don’t you think?”

“Oh my God, you did. You did! Joey Reeves got some lovin’. Hot damn. It’s about friggin’ time!”

Still feeling overheated, Joey glanced up at her friend. “You can’t tell anyone.” She swore. “I can’t believe it happened. It just…I’m still trying to process it.”

“What’s to process? You fell for the magic in his man-wand.” Becky shrugged, as if it was no big thing. “Happens to the best of us. Well, except for me and Trent the Boy Scout,” she grumbled.

Joey was stuck on man-wand. “What did you call it?”

Becky burst out laughing. “If you could see your face. Hey, you should hear half the things they call it. Fuckstick, staff of life, lady’s lollipop. I could go on.”

“Please, don’t.” Joey grimaced.

“I know, right? Man-wand is so much better.” Becky paused. “Is it, Joey? Is it better? Or did you lollipop him? You know, like what we in the know call it—the hand and blow.”

Joey’s face threatened to melt clean off. She had a feeling she could fry eggs on her cheeks. “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation.”

“Me neither.” Becky grinned. “You’re like beet-red right now. Or fire-engine red, maybe. Hey, did you guys remember to wear a ‘raincoat’?” Becky snickered.

“Stop talking, please.”

“Just tell me this. Do you want to do it again? As in, was it any good? Tell me, and I’ll shut up.”

“It was amazing, okay?” Joey growled. “So great I can’t stop thinking about doing it again. And I don’t tend to do well with men and sex.”

“That’s because you live like a nun in the Church of Reeves, presided over by Father Andrew and Sister Amy. God, it’s a wonder you have a kid with all the guilt your parents keep throwing on you. And after eight—”

“Nine.”

“—years you’d think they’d let it go.”

“So maybe I was just desperate. It was a one-shot deal, right?” So why am I thinking of being with him again when I know it’s a mistake?

Becky shrugged and ate more crackers and cheese. “I think you should be desperate again. If you want him, have him. You have a right to be happy. Take joy in his man parts. Go forth, just don’t prosper.”

Joey choked on a laugh. “Yes, Mom.”

“Ouch.”

“Don’t worry. We were safe.” Rather, he was safe. She’d been so far gone she hadn’t thought about protection until it was almost too late, which was just stupid. Granted, she wouldn’t have babies with Lou while on birth control. But she could always chance a disease with an unknown. She’d been so wrapped up in the moment, lost to her body’s needs.

But Lou had thought ahead.

Which put his actions in a different light. Had he expected to have sex with her?

“What’s that look?” Becky asked.

“He was ready for it. Us, I mean.”

Becky looked confused.

“He was prepared.”

“Jesus, Joey. You can say condom and not burn in hell. So he was prepared. Good for him.”

“You think?”

“Who cares why he had the condom? He had it, you had fun. And if you’re lucky, you’ll have more fun tonight.” Becky poured herself some wine. “Have some for me, would you? Because I’m clearly not getting any.” She cocked her head, considering something. “Unless Will’s home.”

“Becky.”

Becky laughed. “Nah. Will’s in Italy this month.” She chuckled. “Kidding, kidding. I’m wanting Trent. I am. Really.”

They laughed some more, and when Joey excused herself for the bathroom, a new text popped up. Lou had decided on the place. An address in Rainier Valley, where he’d mentioned he lived.

She didn’t know what to think, so she took care of business and blanked her mind.

She returned to the living room. “He invited me to his place.”

Becky blinked. “You were gone maybe five minutes.”

“He just texted me.”

“So go.”

“To his place?”

“Why not? Is he rapey or something?”

“No.” He’d been a perfect gentleman since she’d known him. And even after sending her to heaven, twice, he’d ended their impromptu session at the flower shop with a hug and by walking her to her car. “No. He’s nice. Sexy. Too—”

“He’s exactly what you need.” Becky nodded. “Give me your phone.”

  a Rafflecopter giveaway  

  About Marie Harte

Caffeine addict, boy referee, and romance aficionado, New York Times and USA Today bestselling author MARIE HARTE is a confessed bibliophile and devotee of action movies. Whether hiking or biking around town, or hanging at the local tea shop, she’s constantly plotting to give everyone a happily ever after. She lives in in Central Oregon.

Website | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads

COLLISION COURSE by Marie Harte Review, Excerpt & Giveaway was originally published on The Sassy Bookster

[notjustbacon]

Working in Sóc Sơn

Monday -> Tuesday (Arriving At our WorkAway)

We made it to bed at around 11:30 pm the night before. Unable to give a flying fuck about the air temperature or stiff mattress that we were currently laying down on, we quickly fell asleep. We fell asleep hard but were sadly woken up at 5 am the next morning by the jolt of electricity going out across the city. At the time, it seemed like it was just a personal issue. Being from privileged households where air conditioning is available in almost every building, we looked up in agony to see the ceiling fans slowly drift to a stop. This meant our already overheated and humid room was going to transform shortly into a makeshift sauna. I started to bargain with whatever the powers that be to allow us just one fan, rather than the 4 ceiling fans that were previously working. I began to rapidly unplug our phone chargers, turning off anything, and searching for a circuit breaker switch to save the day. I was unsuccessful. I finally noticed the wifi was also gone, so it was then that I came to accept that this was not just an inconvenience for the two of us, but maybe even for the whole town.

Time for Plan B: I took a sip of my water, rinsed off my feet, stripped down and willed myself back to sleep. I recall thinking, "become as stiff as a log, make no extra efforts and you will become one with your surroundings." Before too long, I had fallen into an even deeper sleep. One where I needed to be shaken several times to wake up. It felt so good to go to sleep - why did I need to wake up now?!? I peered open my eyes and saw Alex looking at me with a less than entertaining look, "We have 30 minutes till we need to start work." UGHHHHHH.... I groaned... probably for a minute straight. Alex waited patiently then said, "I'm going to take a quick shower. Make yourself some coffee and let's get ready." This is how the first full day of our 4th WorkAway began.

Just previous to this we had taken a 6-hour sleeper bus in from Sapa to Hanoi, picked up our luggage and took a one-hour cab ride into Sóc Sơn. Finally, at 9:45 pm (when we arrived at the school) we were told that we needed to go with our host's sister while our host made her way back to the school to let us in. To read all about it you can check out this article: Can We Get to Sóc Sơn? So grumpy Alice got up from the stiff bed and made some hot coffee from hot water in a thermos and coffee packs. I put on some clothes, tidied up the place, and drank the coffee before heading down to the school. We put on some shoes, locked up, passed a gigantic spider, squeaked open the gate, shut the gate and went to find Victoria. She was in the main office and quickly showed us to the kitchen, where Alex and I feasted on boiling bowls of pho. In America, we don't generally start our day with a bowl full of noodles and hearty soup, however in much of SE Asia they do. It's something that I look forward to some mornings and dread on others. Not because it's not tasty pho-ck, but because it is already 90+ degrees Fahrenheit in most of the places we've stayed and growing hotter by 8 am. I would usually want something cool and light in this circumstance. But, you must eat your noodles and soup if you want to be strong for the day. SO, I've tried, and I've almost been 75% successful.

Teaching on Tuesday

After breakfast, Victoria escorted us to our first class. She made an announcement to the class and said, "These are your new teachers. Listen please." Then she looked at us, motioned to the kids and said, "Okay, please." Okay... I wasn't thinking we were leading a whole class, but sure. Let's do this thing. Alex and I started with introductions. The first thing I said was something like, "Hello. My name is Alice. I'm from America. What's your name?" After names, we found out everyone's ages, where the students were from, and more importantly, we found out who was brave, silly, and afraid of this class.

There was Koi, who is both brave and silly. He is 6 years old and lived in Austrailia for two years, so he says he's from Austrailia. Koi is a man of action, he wants to do stuff... So if the pace of your class is not up to his speed, he will usually tell you with his silliness. Usually, a student like Koi is a good helper for teachers to realize when they need to move onto the next agenda item. Why? Well, if Koi is bored and being silly, other students are probably bored and being shy. SO, switch it up. It was about the time that Koi started answering every question as if he were the only student in the room that I decided it was time for a game. We decided to introduce the students to some classic games: Duck, Duck, Goose and Red light Green light. They LOVED these games. The students loved these games so much that they wanted to play them in the hallway, on the playground, during lunch and just generally anytime they saw Alex or me... I was hoping we would be inspirational, but I had no idea that Duck, Duck, Goose would be our method.

According to the WorkAway post, we were only supposed to work for 3-4 hours a day (and that was after they updated the original post that said we would work an hour a day). So we were anticipating that we'd work in the mornings and then have time for exploring the area in the afternoon. We quickly found out that there was a very flexible structure to work versus hang out time, and that we would be spending most of the days and evenings with the Victoria and her family. We realized this after lunch the first day. Lunch was an hour and a half event that included a huge Vietnam feast of several types of meat, more pho, and multiple vegetable dishes. Note: Hanging out with them was an incredible experience, so this wasn't really a bad thing... just different than what we were expecting.

The best part about lunch was the conversation we shared with Victoria and the other volunteers. I was blown away by Victoria's life philosophy. She talked to us about how she was having a rough day with some of the teachers due to the power outage. She said that some of the teachers were angry at her because the power going out made them uncomfortable. The way they approached her really made her upset. The massive wisdom came in her next statement. She said, "I told them to look and learn from the kids. They are happy. When the weather is hot they still play, they still smile, and they learn. They do not give up or complain." She continued to say that as teachers, we must lead by example to show the children how to acclimate in challenging situations. She said that you want children to grow up strong. She continued with the example, "If you are driving and the car breaks down on the side of the road, what do you want from your child? Do you want your child to say, 'MOMMY I need this!' Or do you want your child to say, 'It's okay Mommy. I'm okay. How can I help you?'" She went on to describe how in many ways children are brilliant and resilient and that we must learn from them. I was speechless. I was on the edge of my seat with tears in my eyes, ready to give Victoria a slow clap, a hug, and ask for her autograph. I was so proud to be volunteering for her.

After lunch, We went on an excursion to a couple local flee markets. It was a blast to see Victoria negotiate with the vendors and see the flee market in a more relaxed state. It was also the first time Alex and I had ever enjoyed some fresh Sugar Cane juice!! After getting back from the excursion, we were asked to join the afternoon classes at the second school. Which was an hour drive away. Upon arriving, we play-taught a group of a dozen or so 4-year-olds until their parents picked them up at 4:30 pm. It was then we realized were stuck. Victoria's family lives between these two schools (half at one, half at the other) and they eat meals together. As the day went on, it became obvious that we were staying for dinner and it was going to be a long evening. Even though it was a great night filled with delicious food and new conversations, we got home about 11 pm, and we were super tired. It was then (when we were dropped off) at 11 pm that we were told that the celebration starts tomorrow at 7:30 am, so we need to be ready to go by 6 am to eat breakfast, drive to the school, and to help set up. Okay. Time for sleep and energy for the next day.

Wednesday's Celebration

The second day we got up, were driven out to the second school, ate breakfast and then enjoyed the performances. At one point Alex and I got up on stage and sang the ABC song with the kids. There were also awards for the teachers and then celebration ended. After all the kids and parents left, we started lunch which was this extravagant Vietnamese feast. In Alex's words,

"And because it was a celebration day, they passed around happy water (rice wine that is approximately 30% ABV) and beer at 11 am. The Vietnamese have such strong culture, and they absolutely love foreigners especially English speaking ones. One thing they do to show their affection is, they stand up and make a toast (you must stand up during this toast) and it will be in Vietnamese, so you have no idea what they are saying. Then they say "chompichomp!" or something like that, and you have to finish whatever drink you are holding. I learned very quickly not to open a fresh can of beer and toast with the whole can. After the toast, you shake hands which symbolize that you are now friends forever. It is important for them to have each person at the table do this, so every single one of them comes up to you (if you are a foreigner) and does this toasting ceremony and you can get pretty drunk by the end of it."

After lunch, we were invited to join Victoria's father (at his house for some green tea) and her father in law (to see his factory) for more celebrations. Of course, we decided to join them and were completely blown away by their generosity and exuberance in having us learn more about their personal and business lives. We were pretty spent by the time we came back to the school at 4 pm, so we passed out for an afternoon nap until 6:30 pm when it was time to go downstairs for dinner. Again we stayed up past 10 pm and were told that there was another celebration tomorrow... but, we didn't need to be up until 7 am. Score!

Thursday

Thursday, we learned that Wednesday was just the warm up festival. We had the real celebration at the main school (where we were staying) on this day. This was essentially a repeat of the first day, but we did not drink or imbibe at all because we were going to teach afternoon classes later. Also, it should be noted that all of the teachers were dressed in traditional Vietnamese dresses - so the whole celebration felt even more formal. Again, Alex and I got up on stage to perform the A, B, C's and totally got the crowd roaring. After class that day Alex got a Motorbike lesson from Nace - He looked pretty good too! Motorbiking of any kind is too frightening for me, so I just stayed back and took pictures. The rest of the day was just a remix of what had happened in the days before.

Friday -> The Weekend

Friday, Alex and I were asked to help teach the younger class. Let me preface this story bit by saying that working with the kids has been very very fun. Especially getting to share the experience with Alex. The English class portion of the volunteer program, however, is not very well organized and with the language barriers there were several uncomfortable situations. Including Friday morning, where Alex and I were expected to give some sort of language class to 3 and 4-year-olds. Unlike the first class, their teacher didn't speak more than 3 words in English... So I guess the idea of having help with translating anything was out of the question. On top of that, we hadn't been given any idea of how long the lesson was supposed to be... So we sang songs, read books to somewhat blank faces, and prepared for full meltdowns --- For 2 hours. Luckily, we switched activities well enough that we somehow avoided a mutiny. All in all, I was very impressed with how well they did. Unfortunately, I was left feeling a bit disappointed in myself. Mostly because I didn't make the personal connections that I had experienced in my 10 years of working with kids in the states. Alex, was quick to point out how incredible we did, given that we weren't given much to go off of. So, I gave myself a pass and decided to just move on. It was the right decision because kids don't really care about a one-time dud... unless you decide to be boring or strict all of the time. They want to have fun and hey, I like to have fun too!

That afternoon we took a five-hour bus ride to Ha Long Bay. Victoria started by driving us 10 minutes from the school to where the highway onramp launched. She had stoped on the far left side of the lane that was inches from the merge. For what reason? I couldn't surmise... She sat there looking over her left shoulder (appearing to be waiting for an opening), then she drove facing oncoming traffic in the emergency lane, parked under the bridge and motioned for us to grab our stuff and follow her across several lanes of traffic. We acted quickly, like baby ducks following their mom through whatever path she chose (sometimes I've seen them crossing highways as well). We walked over a guardrail, across two more lanes of traffic and waited at (I guess) our bus stop. Victoria talked to a couple other patrons waiting, made a quick call, and then told us the bus would be arriving shortly. When the bus pulled up, she negotiated a killer local deal of 160,000 VND (approximately $7 US) for both of us to get to Ha Long Bay. The bus started rolling, we got a running start, jumped on, found our seats and were off for our weekend adventure. To see my Ha Long Bay photo collection, click here.

Monday

We returned to the school on Monday, after a long weekend, a short bout of dehydration and one bedridden fever. Our host met us at the kitchen, ordered us some food and told us to take the rest of the day to relax and sleep. She told us and the other volunteers at dinner that she felt horrible for not having the AC installed yet. She had made a contract with a company and hadn't followed up with them as much as she wanted to... With a 7 month-year-old, all the things going on at the two schools and, so many other things going on that it must have slipped through. She said she felt like she had failed us. All of us spoke up at once to let her know that she is not to blame for the weather and that she is, in fact, one of the most incredible people we have met. We all proclaimed our love for her and the fact that she is a real-life Wonder Woman. She has opened up her school, her home, her family and her life to the group of us -- and we are only volunteers. Everything she does is very generous. Also, we have not had to pay for anything during our stay. They've served us feasts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They have taken us in with open arms and shown us a real experience of their daily routine. There is no way you could buy or find this experience. After hearing some of our words, Victoria slowly began to smile and say that she felt a little better after talking, but that she really cares for us and doesn't want us to be sick. We ended dinner early that night and all slept in the next morning.

Tuesday

After breakfast on Tuesday, we skipped class. Victoria took us to the Sóc Sơn city center and said, "We will ride bikes around the city center." What she meant was we will ride children sized cyclos around the city center (a cyclo is like a bike, but the front half had been removed and a wheelchair had been attached so that drivers can pedal foreigners around). So she gives us these bikes, which are suitably sized for myself and local folks, but it is so small on Alex that he cannot even bend his knees. He was pedaling with pure hip strength. Then she asks Alex to take the kids. So Alex is pedaling a children's bike around with a four-year-old in the chair and the four-year-old is holding her 7-month-old son. I think we have described Vietnamese traffic before to you. It was absolutely insane and very comical. After this, we went back to our school, had lunch, and joined the younger class for the afternoon. We sang a few songs for about a half hour and then broke the group apart to play red light green light. During the last hour of class a might thundering monsoon swept across the school. It flooded the gardens and motorbike parking area and stopped parents from being able to transport their kids back home safely. After watching the storm for a few minutes, Victoria swept Alex away to help rescue the washing machine. He describes the next events as follows:

"In a voice as calm as if she were asking me to hang up wet laundry, Victoria asks, 'Alex, please can you help move washing machine please? ok?' Uh, excuse me did you say move the washing machine? You realize we are in the middle of an incredible monsoon right? I wander over to the washing machine, and I now understand why it needs to be moved as it is sitting in knee deep flood water and currently running. The power cord to the washing machine is connected to an extension cord in the wall, and the connection point is also under water, so I assume the entire parking lot is electrified at this point. The housekeeper, who is walking around in rubber boots yells at me to get boots on (I am wearing chacos at the moment), but I don't have boots so I just wait and survey the situation. One of the other teachers comes over and casually walks into the flood water, reaches down with bare hands and unplugs the washing machine. Well, I guess there is nothing to worry about now, except for the fact that we are underneath a sheet metal roof during a powerful lightning storm that is directly above us. Victoria finally makes her way out there and says, 'Ok, Alex please,' and motions to a giant ceramic pot. I gather she wants to move this pot over towards the washing machine so we can lift the washing machine onto it. So her and I walk into knee deep flood water and start lifting this giant pot, while trying not to knock over the parked motorbikes and try to walk it the 10 meters over to the washing machine. Eventually we get it there, throw a wooden board over the top. Then a helpful parent of one of the students comes over to help me lift the full-of-water-and-laundry washing machine onto this wooden board. We finally get it up there and our job is done. No one was electrocuted and no one had any digits smashed from dropping a heavy washing machine onto them. Success!"

There's always an adventure and something new to learn at Capitole. We aren't soon to forget any of these experiences, faces, or stories.

Wednesday

Wednesday was our last day at the school. These are the pictures I took after the storm. Still such a beautiful and happy place: rain or shine.

Victoria and her husband Hai took all of the volunteers out for a group excursion that morning to see a nearby temple - which is 980 years old - and a monumental area on a mountain top. After the excursion, we had one last lunch together and then Hai drove us to the airport. The time we spent together was bittersweet because we knew it was our last few moments before we were turning the page and moving onto our next destination. We were very blessed with their generosity and hope to reunite soon. We will always remain Friends Forever!

[janiklandre-blog]

Saturday, April 1st, 2017

still grey outside  already 10:20 a.m.  - computer would not send an earlier message - leaves me a bit worried - yesterday came all sorts of messages about undeliverable mail and it took a while before old and older appeared and I was already getting resigned to possibly have lost it - but then it did appear - oh writing by hand - I love it - wish I had a secretary who then would post it - as beautifully as Molly has been posting - once again: janiklandre.tumblr.com  has to be entered way on top where it says https and then click enter - took me a while to learn - she double spaces, uses bigger letters, much more readable than this here - she has shown me how to do it - but - I despair - if only I was three again - really wish I could master it - Molly has been doing it faithfully - but then again - so few things in my life last - she is young, she is wonderful - but many new things in her future -

Gesine was posting in Germany - I have not heard from her, I worry - my grandson also is posting and it appears automatically on people's smart phones - still have not quite figures out what they are doing, but those of you with smart phones may be getting it automatically - probably even on my smart phone - who knows - it all is somewhat beyong me - and I wish I was writing by hand - yet thank Ken time and again for at least getting me into what I call pre school computer skills - adding wonderful dimensions to my life that I treasure.

Ten minutes gone. Yesterday - was planning on church, was planning on a few words to Marie (more and more requests on my friend, scaning of documents and what not, her daughter emailing now from Berlin requesting her mother to be taken care of - and they do) - in any event, I never made it to the church. Nerviously I called the optometrist about when I am to appear on Monday, was told a service would let me know - then complained about the $250 for the drops - the woman I was talking to "oh you don't have this insurance, that insurance" no - I don't - "I can prescribe something cheaper" - I rush to the druggist, Carmine, a sweetheart, one of the very few not in the monster entities that have taken over, replaced super markets and where you have to search for everything in masses of goods) - anyway Carmine was able to return the expensive one - antibiotics to prevent infection, four drops a day) - I had paid by credit card - it all took a while, I got $85 back - something - it was pouring rain - had to return later to pick up cheaper replacement, the present eye drops only $14 - them my friend told me the generic version is $4 - it all is such a racket -  Carmine said to me "ask Joanne at the CW" - well she is busy with all the totally helpless Maries - my friend had to go with Francesca frrom Guatemala to the eye doctor to translate - well - I already realized years ago that I basically fall into the category who should be helping all the totally helpless - and I don't mind doing some of it - but then I realized that at the CW "they" consider that their domain - I can wash dishes. We live in a totally crazy world.

Rain was pouring all day yesterday - flooding everywhere - because all our money is spent on wars - no money for what is called infrastructure - like providing drainage systems - or something sane, everything - the other the "fast" Amtrak called Acella, between Washington and Boston, derailed side swiping a commuter train - all trains stopped for hours - all our public transportation a sad joke - and by now not even money to keep many roads in shape - the bus I take in NY state shaking like crazy.

So. I find hardly the time to read the NYT  New York Times - $2.50 a copy on weekdays - $6 on Sunday - the smart know how to use their tablets and pay $100 a year vs the $600 I end up spending - only my sweet, smart grandson said: Grandma, you allow yourself so few luxuries - you love the feel of paper in the morning - of course it alsowould be cheaper if I had a subscription - not in my type of housing. - it is amazing that she still can hop on a plane and come to New York - in pouring rain come to the meeting - she is the daughter of a French general - the French have a term: chnapeau - all my respect - she loves New York - even though she never became a citizen here - and I watched 

Luckily there still is so much other people spend money on that I don't - all my life, no matter how little I had, I always saved a few dollars and never have borrowed a cent.

Still, other than my breakfast muesli I ate little yesterday that was reasonable - find it harder to find food that is heaalthy and also tasty - as I have often said - I would do well with a staff - a secretary, a cook, a butler, a chauffeur, a gardner for the garden I would love to have, a trainer, a companion - there are people who do have staffs and then manage to put out books that make them rich, famous and respected. Dostoyevski hand wrote at the kitchen table, surrounded by noise - much of his writing for newspapers in continuation, every night a deadline - so - there are many styles.

I do want to mention what a German friend just told me on the phone about her rich brother in Frankfurt : 17 families with RV's - recreactional vehicles where you can live, plan to form a caravan and drive to China via Russia and back via India - a six months journey. Now, how is that?

Well, yesterday before I knew it it was close to seven, my friend who had promised to come earlier rang the bell - on Friday's the CW has a meeting - talks, lectures, films - at times very interesting, a times less so - CW style, no money is ever asked, some make contributions in a little basket - yesterday a woman who spent five years researching and publishing a book about four nuns who were murdered in El Salvador, I believe 30 years ago - I already have heard a lot about them and also have seen a movie and yes, they should be commemorated - and yes - with pouring rain few people would come - so I went -the speaker was not the greatest, I could not get my mind on it, sat in the back, anxious to leave, then I saw French Christine and then I saw her ready to leave - she could not get her mind on it either, so I followed her, the rain was still pouring, she said she was very tired, looked very tired, still wanted to walk to East 9th (CW on 3rd) to catch a taxi to go to West 9th where she was staying with a friend - so I said I would go with her, we ran, through the deluge - she still does have her apartment on the 5th floor, steep stairs but there were problems there - today she said ahe would move there - she is in new york for two weeks - when she was about to leave Paris her doctor called and said a suspicious growth on her kidney - too much cancer in her body - and I do want to take back here all I said about her earlier - she loves New York, she is the daaughter of a French general - and to hop on a plane and fly to New York, come to a meeting in pouring rain - there was a cab on 9th street and I got her to grab it - old and older, often painful to watch.

It's 11:30 - I should look for something reasonable to eat - not sure yet what the day will bring - there are my guests but mostly they want to be by themselves - when they appear the Lebanese talks a lot - his life absolutely and totally has nothing in common with my life - he too has heaalth problems and other problems that are not my problems - he is a sweet and generous man - and I wish I had them better to offer than my noisy, overheated room - still at this point there is no room to find in nyc for less than $150 a night - in the hotels next to me they run into the hundreds - 

And I too am running out of steam here. Am nervous about the op - prepared for the worst as far as costs will go. Many tell me: I paid nothing - and yes, medicaid for which I am no longer eligible pays a lot more than medicare - I did consider doing it in Amherst that turned out to be too complicated - after the op you have to see the doctor three times - and then there will be the second on April 17 and I don't know yet who will help with that. I do remember telling my mother as she was getting old - you have to pay for help. But as I too am finding out - good paid help is hard to find - I'm lucky for Molly to snow into my life for a while - and yes - now I also do remember what made me tired yesterday afternoon - Molly came at 1:30 - when I have been falling asleep these days - I did have the idea of cleaning up my contact list - but soon saw how tedious that is - still she maneuvers the computer with such ease and skill - her father is an internet technician - alas I only can marvel - and mourn my old age, my technophobia and my just about non existant learning skills - just getting with this here smart phone lying next to me where I am - a small wonder. The techno world has taken such a leap - me no longer able to leap with it. And, it is getting worse. Reading about A.I. = artificial intelligence, robots - makes my head spin - perhaps I should start hording pencils and paper - soon they may become hard to find. Sending a snail mail letter already takes me weeks - many post offices closing - and so it goes. Noon. Time for a proper meal in company - I am afraid, no proper meal, no company. But then - perhaps  hope this will send  - adios  Marianne

[pbandjesse]

Today was a sleepy day. I fell asleep really easily last night. Before James even came to bed I think. I don't remember honestly. I woke up a few times but I didn't get as overheated with the windows cracked so I felt better when I woke up.

Jess was brushing her teeth and James was already dressed. It didn't take me long to get washed and dressed. I wore my new jumpsuit. And it's great but I absolutely understand why someone got rid of it. The sleeves do not want to stay up. But it's very comfy and I'm sure I can pin it in the future.

We all got in the car to go to the Golden West for brunch. We were all so tired. So there wasn't much chatting but we were all happy to be there.

Jess got breakfast tacos and tater tots, James got a hopi pancake with bacon and sweet potato fries, and I got breakfast quesadillas with black beans and hash browns. Honestly the best breakfast. We would start talking more once we had caffeine and food. I was for sure the most checked out and tired but I tried to be present.

It was nice to be with my two favorite people. But man was I tired. I only ate some of my food. Some because I was to tired, some because the seat I was on was to low and soft and I was having trouble eating comfortably. But that was okay. We got a box to go.

We got back to the apartment and me and James carried down all Jess's stuff. Hugs all around. And then time for Jess to go home.

I got in bed pretty much right away. I would fall asleep for a while. Just watching stuff on my phone. But eventually I slept and I slept hard.

I woke up as Jess was getting home. And James came and laid in bed with me. But I wanted to get up and actually do some stuff.

James and me made a grocery list but they would go without me. I would stay behind and get to work on my prints.

I made 30 prints. I would take a break in the middle to attempt to melt some candles but it didn't do it correctly so I gave up on that for now. I will have to read the instructions again another day.

I also worked on reading all the stuff for puhtok for this week. And it was a lot. I watched half of the videos. I will get it all together but it was a lot and I'm still not 100% on my role for the Native American program. But I am feeling pretty ready for the nature programs. I am glad we are doing trainings tomorrow. I am excited to get back into work.

James got back from the store when I was half done my planned prints. I think I need to do 50 more? I'm not positive because I think we are doing them by household and not person but I will check with James. I really love how they are coming out though. I also am just excited to start pulling more prints. I have an idea for my birthday countdown but I want to do other things too!! It's going to be nice to be working again and having a schedule.

I would start working on my wooden sword as well. I drew out the whole one side and I'm really pleased. I'm not positive what I will do on the back. I want it to have a floral vibe but I am thinking I may play with a Celtic knot idea. Who knows. It was a lot of fun drawing it out and eventually I will get the wood burner out but for now I am just pleased with what I've started.

Me and James sat down and started chosing out wedding photos. Which was difficult. There were so many good ones. So many silly faces that I loved. I wanted to get lots of moments. From the 1003 photos we chose 308. We should get it down to 250 but it is very hard!! It felt really good looking at them though. Like seeing real moments. There are like a dozen I would for sure say are my favorite favorites. Ones with my parents. Ones with James. Ones with Jess and the bridesmaids. But I want to have them all tell a story. I also want to get them printed in a book. That will be a fun project.

Brandon came over for James and him to watch another episode of their show. I had one of my quesadillas for a late dinner. I also got to use our soda stream to make their version of diet Dr pepper. And while it has a sort of strange smell it tastes good. So I'm really pleased about that. And after my dinner I took a bath. It was a nice and chill night.

And now me and James are in bed. Feeling good. I am looking forward to work. And having both the musuem and puhtok. It's going to be fun.

I am trying to just feel positive because an actor I liked died today and he was such a bright soul, and the same age as my parents, so it feels very painful and easy to spiral into sadness. And that's not what that nice man's memory needs to be attached to. I hurt for his family. But his memory will be a blessing.

Goodnight everyone. Take care of each other.

[janiklandre-blog]

Friday, March 24, 2017

9:30 a.m.  in the computer room - grateful to have a working computer at my disposal - grateful for the quiet of being alone with 10 computers - nevertheless struggling with feelings of weirdness - worry that my energies are waning - feeling so helpless over the vagaries of my energy levels - and so angry with the heartless people who are unwilling to learn anything  - and can be brutal - totally unaware of their brutality. Feeling helpful and saintly pointing to all the wonderful pills that offer control - ignorant of their side effects and why so many people say: these pills make me feel like not myself - they make me gain weight - they make me sleepy - and I am grateful to never have gone near "mother's little helper".

I do talk to a lot of people - I do try for an open mind - and have also by my psychiatrist friends enlightened to the fact that I am fortunate to be able to deal with waning and waxing energies without any medication and yet that there are many people who are indeed helped by medications - whose lives are made possible with the medications.

Much has been written about it by now - countless first person accounts many of which I have read - often remarking though that accounts thast end by praising medications seem to have a better chance of being published by big name publishers. Names do not come thst readily to my mind - but there are a number of people of fame and fortune who are "open" about their wild mood swings - they do the craziest things - and often do have the good fortune of an understanding surrounding - the Episcopalians often seem very understanding, helping members of their church to keep high positions and hiding some wild outbursts. Often it is also the upper classes - often members are given to great madness - who do have understanding and means to keep their members in good standing. What we call "simple people" with little what we call formal education - but with the true education of the heart - often by the suffering Tolstoy praised as an educator - who show much tolerance.

America has praised itself on it's classlessness - claiming all are born equal - of course we are not. There is the French term: petit bourgeois - occasionally used by Americans - in Germsn: Kleinbuerger - klein is small, Buerger is citizen - same as petit bourgeois - is used often - and behavior called: kleinbuergerlich - this is the class of social climbers, narrow minded, judgemental, intolerant, discontent and given to liking Hitlers and Trumps -a true menace. They are often a laughing stock and made fun of - there is a British Saturday night TV program on channel 13, I've watched it occasionally - can't think of the name - showing how sadly hilarious these people often can be in their aspiration to be what we call "Grossbuerger" - or better yet, aristocrats.

Sociology - I much enjoyed my two years of studying it - is based on philosophy - German philosophers Google will be much more helpful than I if you want to find out more about the history of sociology - in any event, sociology, psychology, anthropology all are very new sciences and trying to help us deal with that weird creature Homo Sapiens - the wise man, who alas is not very wise and right at this moment we are once again faced with dangerous lack of wiseness. Have not yet read Krugman today, nyt columnist, economist - only glimpsed at it - I believe he writes about the sad lows to which so called statesmen, politicians have sunk. A great lack of wise leaders - and many point to the assassinations and  now more and more good people are getting assassinated.

So while in America we are said all to be equal - as the European I still feel myself to be - I openly admit to class consciousness - and since my time now allows me to ponder such matters, I sadly see how much of my life I have come to spend with the petit bourgeois and suffering from their utter lack of understanding for me - and often being judged and scorned by them - for what they call excentric - and yes, I am excentric. I most certainly am not part of the "center" - "they" are so proudly part of - and know exactly how people are to behave - and now all these producers of pills and hordes of "therapists" thrive on making everybody - even tempered at all times.

Since I spend so much time reading and dwelling on these topics - for sure boring many - one of many many studies remains my mother (and also myself) - my mother who was born to two people from very diffrent background who both had in many ways risen above their background - were of a group much influenced by Marx - perhaps even read him - and referred to themselves as Proletarians. Also a group wanting to make all people equal!

My Jewish grandfather - coming from merchants - had become a locomotive engineer - not the lawyer or doctor he was supposed to become. My grandmother, born to an illiteraste, almost certainly Catholic maid - studied alongside my mother, by choice heer only child (perhsps not the best choice) - and later came to read the German philosophers (my mother snd I never did). Early my mother tutored Emmi von Uhle - minor aristocracy in her provincial town - and wanted to model herself on them - and a great virtue for aristocrats is: self control. I hear my mother saying to me: control yourself - an issue to this day - realizing by now how hard it can be at times to control myself, yet striving for it.

I am looking at the watch - the topic I wanted to dwell on was the term: offend, in German beleidigen - Leid is is sorrow, causing someone sorrow. I had to be sorely offended by Martha H. myself to come to think about all the offending that does go on at the CW - and also thinking who does freely and happily offend people - and having watched over the years how people react to being offended - many leave permanently and many temporarily. One of the much offended is Robert T. (I'm strictly forbidden to ever mention him) - who - after I said one wrong word to him did not speak to me for a year - would not even look at me - and yesterday on the phone begsn preaching to me the need for forgiveness and praying for the person for the person who offended me - he is a convert to Catholicism - a much tortured soul, who has done a lot for me - realizes I am one of the very few who truly appreciates his wondeerful qualities and accepts his lack of social skills. Would love to teach him some - but - by now it is accepted that he talks and I listen and he does not want to hear anything I might have to say. His loss. Still what I told him yesterday was - I am not a Catholic. I forgive a lot on the motto of tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner - to understand is to forgive - but - all this forgiving can also lead to stewing in our juices - which can lead to depression - anger turned inward - and also to aggression turned outward. All this aggression we see now all around us are angry people - acting out their anger in murderous ways.

We see far too little understanding - for the many ways anger is created - by a powerful highly armed empire - creating the terrible danger we live in. I do realize thst the woman who offended is much younger and very powerful in the group where I am marginal - feels entitled to offending me - and all I have is this here my computer to talk to and trying to figure out how I can channel my anger constructively.

Yesterday - tai chi at the church - a Chinese teacher - much geared to to many Chinese students - not terribly satisfactory to me - lunch, hard on my teeth - came home and fell asleep, a bit too long, worrying me (waning energies?) - off to Washington Square - a young man with a sign Deep Listening and some more words - 2012 Brandeis grad, sociology, grew up in Tribecca - lower Manhattan, totally unaware of anything that has gone on in the city, environment his intrerest, lived until recently in Boston, where he also tried to make money by listening, found a kinder environment - he does have a teaching job at an elite public high school, I think called Chealsy Latin prep - he made a few dollars from people taking photographs of him - the two lovely young women just in from Colorado began talking to him - at that point an angry man of color appeared, loudly cursing him out, the two young women fled - he stayed - I guess New York is tougher than Boston. In Boston he told me he had done very well.

Came home - find myself talking on my cell phone while my land line rings - I have no gizmo that tells me who called on my land line - so quickly pick it up and say call later - not very good - how do you handle having two phones? - then hurried to this here computer to answer my emails - I do try to be as polite and good mannered as I possibly can - ate some weird dinner - my teeth! - and then my friend still came - I had been invited to attend a baptism at the CW - some baby no one really knew - cannot say that intererests me - also don't want to see the woman that offended me - did sleep fairly well in my overheated apartment - here, sitting in a back apartment I am wearing a down jacket - in any event, it is 11 a.m. - thank you computer from doing some deep listening - I think I'll be off to the church - hope they have fish on Friday - I don't eat enough fish - yesterday in the nyt food section long story of woman fighting dementia with food - also with money and a great husband - in Columbia journal story of journalist going strong at 98, never exercised, never ate the right food - no one yet knows who gets hit by dementia and who does not. At this moment - all we can do - is pray - and thank God that while I have slowed down, don't walk well, can't eat most food, don't eat the right food, don't exercise as "they" say I should - I always say I am thankful to my parents to taking as good care of me as they could - endowing me with intelligence, good looks, social skills - and being able to function not as well as some - still a lot better than many my age, who are still alive. Marianne