#at which point i am hoping praying that EVs will be normalized and better perfected and screens etc inside dashes will be regulated

[nudibutch]

am i absolutely falling for sunk cost fallacy with my car at this point? maybe

[orthodoxadventure]

Finally comes the last day, usually called "Forgiveness Sunday," but whose other liturgical name must also be remembered: the "Expulsion of Adam from the Paradise of Bliss." This name summarizes indeed the entire preparation for Lent. By now we know that man was created for paradise, for knowledge of God and communion with Him. Man's sin has deprived him of that blessed life and his existence on earth is exile. Christ, the Savior of the world, opens the door of paradise to everyone who follows Him, and the Church, by revealing to us the beauty of the Kingdom, makes our life a pilgrimage toward our heavenly fatherland. Thus at the beginning of Lent, we are like Adam:

Adam was expelled from paradise through food; Sitting, therefore, in front of it he cried: 'Woe to me . . . One commandment of God have I transgressed, depriving myself of all that is good; Paradise holy! Planted for me, And now because of Eve closed to me; Pray to thy Creator and mine that I may be filled again by thy blossom.' Then answered the Savior to him: 'I wish not my creation to perish; I desire it to be saved and to know the Truth; For I will not turn away from him who comes to Me. . .'

Lent is the liberation of our enslavement to sin, from the prison of "this world." And the Gospel lesson of this last Sunday (Matt 6:14-21) sets the conditions for this liberation. The first one is fasting -- the refusal to accept the desires and urges of our fallen nature as normal, the effort to free ourselves from the dictatorship of flesh and matter over the spirit. To be effective, however, our fast must not be hypocritical, a "showing off." We must "appear not unto men to fast but to our Father who is in secret." The second condition is forgiveness -- "If you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you." The triumph of sin, the main sign of its rule over the world, is division, opposition, separation, hatred. Therefore, the first break through this fortress of sin is forgiveness: the return of unity, solidarity, love. To forgive is to put between me and my "enemy" the radiant forgiveness of God Himself. To forgive is to reject the hopeless "dead-ends" of human relations and to refer them to Christ. Forgiveness is truly a "breakthrough" of the Kingdom into this sinful and fallen world.

More under the Readmore

Lent actually begins at Vespers of that Sunday. The unique service, so deep and beautiful, is absent from so many of our churches! Yet nothing reveals better the "tonality" of Great Lent in the Orthodox Church; nowhere is better manifested its profound appeal to man.

The service begins as solemn Vespers with clergy in bright vestments. The hymns (stichira) which follow the Psalm "Lord, I have cried . . ." announce the coming of Lent and, beyond Lent, the approach of Pascha!

Let us begin the time of fasting in light! Preparing ourselves for the spiritual efforts. Let us purify our soul; let us purify our body. As from food, let us abstain from all passion and enjoy the virtues of the spirit, so that perfected in time by love We may all be made worthy to see the Passion of Christ and the Holy Pascha In spiritual joy!

Then comes, as usual, the Entrance with the evening hymn: "O Gladsome Radiance of the holy glory. . ." The celebrant then proceeds to the "high place" behind the altar for the proclamation of the evening Prokeimenon which alwyas announces the end of one and the beginning of another day. This day's Great Prokeimenon announces the beginning of Lent:

Turn not away Thy face from Thy servant for I am afflicted! Hear me speedily. Attend to my soul and deliver it!

Listen to the unique melody of this verse -- to this cry that suddenly fills the Church: ". . . for I am afflicted!" -- and you will understand this starting point of Lent: the mysterious mixture of despair and hope, of darkness and light. All preparation has now come to an end. I stand before God, before the glory and the beauty of His Kingdom. I realize that I belong to it, that I have no other home, no other joy, no other goal; I also realize that I am exiled from it into the darkness and sadness of sin, "for I am afflicted!" And finally, I realize that only God can help in that affliction, that only He can "attend to my soul." Repentance is, above everything else, a desperate call for that divine help.

Five time we repeat the Prokeimenon. And then, Lent is here! Bright vestments are put aside; lights are extinguished. When the celebrant intones the petitions for the evening litany, the choir responds in the lenten "key." For the first time the lenten prayer of St. Ephraim accompanied by prostrations is read. At the end of the service all the faithful approach the priest and one another asking for mutual forgiveness. But as they perform this rite of reconciliation, as Lent is inaugurated by this movement of love, reunion, and brotherhood, the choir sings the Paschal hymns. We will have to wander forty days through the desert of Lent. Yet at the end shines already the light of Easter, the light of the Kingdom.

--Rev Dr. Alexander Schmemann: Great Lent - Journey to Pascha

[fantastic-rambles]

I just watched ep. 11 (so SPOILERS) and am now praying that Tadashi isn’t as stupid as he seems and has some super secret plan in the works bc the path he’s going down will clearly do the opposite of help Adam. He literally used the right equation, but got the wrong answer 😑 He said “Oh abandonment + isolation issues?? Lemme just abandon our shared endeavor (again) so that you rely upon only one person who dislikes you and doesn’t give two shits about you beyond your skating skill 😃” Ah yes how lovely that’ll work out. I’d never blame Tadashi for all of Adam’s issues but why does he keep dropping the ball?? Please sir, I beg you to consider showing a crumb of emotion/commitment so that Adam knows you care and will be less of a hilariously terrifying menace. The change in the end credit sequence gives me a little bit of hope that Tadashi will figure out how to be there for Adam the right way (caring about his person more than his image). Honestly surprised how much content we got on Tadashi and Adam. Highlighting their relationship and how much Tadashi wants to help Adam, makes Adam falling so low in this episode much sadder. The parallels between them and Renga hurt so bad. And the way they explicitly explained one of them to us for the ppl who think Tadashi does/should hate Adam 😶. I was honestly hoping for more chronologically clear backstory, but I’m still surprised by how focused this ep was on them and seeing the contrast between them as blushing little kids to now.

And I know you said you see Tadashi as closest to the God figure with the references. But look how the race with Reki (apple) further corrupted Adam, but provided a moment of enlightenment to Tadashi (snake [og Eve? Lilith?]). While the Snake brought the apple to the garden, wasn’t it also Eve who gave into it? Idk I’m starting to feel like Tadashi is misnomered bc of the backstory and how he has no malicious intent in taking him down. And even though Lilith is known for not being subservient to Adam, in a way Tadashi fits by hurting the relationship when making the one big stand siding with Adam’s father (possibly the devil in Adam’s POV) and what Adam would probably consider to be the sin (giving up skateboarding). This is kind of confusing bc I definitely think that Adam sees losing skating as the ‘sin’. But Tadashi views skating as the ‘sin’. So while Tadashi sees himself as the snake (fundamentally lower and a negative influence) Adam could have seen him as a Lilith (With him in the garden first and equal with him until he fell [down into his subservient role]). I think this ep highlights that bc of Tadashi’s contrasting teacher and servant roles, when in childhood they were somewhat equal. I think the only way Tadashi truly falls into the ‘God’ role is if he really does go through with forfeiting and basically offers up Langa (Eve) to Adam. (Btw I have virtually 0 bible knowledge so I am very under qualified to be making these inferences lmao)

I was so worried when it seemed Reki was gonna win bc it would’ve seemed so unrealistic to me. I totally blocked out that outcome until he did the cliff jump and I got nervous lol. I do like that the reason Reki pulled ahead and the reason he lost are the same thing. Reki does have a unique strength of innovation with boards but it doesn’t automatically get him to the levels of those more skilled.

Also very happy about the 🍵🌸 moment of Joe not even arguing about pushing Cherry. Did Cherry purposefully not use his Carla wheelchair just so Joe would have to help him?? I guess we’ll never know. Also Joe’s face watching Cherry laugh at Adam (I think showing Cherry moving on from his admiration of him). Idc what anyone says, Joe is totally pining for Cherry and it’s so sweet.

Oh and!! The investigation is doing a raid?! Jail for Adam ig bc there’s no way they’ll include that as a plot point for everything to come back clean. (And if Tadashi takes the fall not just bc the order but bc he actually thinks that what best, I will never forgive his dumbass 😤 Adam probably wouldn’t even function without Tadashi anyways since he takes care of so much)

I don’t remember if I mentioned it to you or someone else, but I didn’t think Adam would end up ultimately skating against Tadashi because their relationship is irreparably broken (at least right now), so Adam isn’t willing to listen to anything Tadashi has to say and wouldn’t really be able to learn anything if they raced since the only thing he seems to feel towards Tadashi is resentment: long-term resentment from when he was younger, and a stronger sense of it now after Tadashi tried to use it to force him to quit. So Tadashi forfeiting and giving the race to Langa makes sense to me in terms of Tadashi realizing that he really screwed up and that the only person who can really save Adam at this point/revive his “pure” love for skating is Langa, because Langa’s the only person Adam considers an equal. Because if Adam can return to that state of “innocence,” then he could simply enjoy skating for the sake of skating, and he would be able to skate with anyone regardless of their skill level, rather than needing someone at his level. In other words, he would no longer need an Eve, a perfect partner just for him.

And I will never say no to more Adam backstory. Even though it didn’t really show us anything especially novel. xD

Uh. So... I’ve got even less Biblical knowledge than you, lol. I have no idea who Lilith is and what she does. -goes off to do some research-

Okay, so based on The Alphabet of Ben-Sira, I personally don’t think that Tadashi is Lilith, since he clearly is considered inferior to Adam by pretty much everyone, including himself. Between Eve and Lilith, he strikes me as more Eve. The incident with Adam’s father (glad to know that he’s actually dead, lol) was also him taking a passive/subservient role to his “master.” And even as a child, he understood that he wasn’t Adam’s equal, even though he taught Adam how to skate. Again, in terms of skill, yeah, they’re on the same level, but socially, they weren’t/aren’t. So to me, Langa actually fits the idea of Lilith better, because Adam does see him as an equal, and Adam will most likely end up losing to Langa, who would refuse to “lie below” Adam, and who rejects Adam and runs away (with Reki). But yeah, Tadashi literally giving Langa to Adam (whether Langa is “Eve” or “Lilith”) definitely reinforces my Tadashi as God thoughts. (Though again, with a duality of also being Eve, at least originally.) xD

Absolutely agree regarding the really close result of Adam/Reki. Yeah, there’s an explanation for why Reki could get ahead of Adam (and Adam’s got a longboard, which has less maneuverability), but even with those taken into account (and Adam’s really weird/kinda OOC imo moment of self-doubt), I still don’t think it should have ended up as a photo finish given their vast difference in skill level. If Adam can catch up even after giving Reki a half-course head start under normal conditions, there’s no reason for him to not be able to easily beat Reki, even after taking everything into consideration, other than protagonist plot armor/drama. Though my dislike of Reki is also lessening (thankfully) now, regardless. Like, Reki isn’t a bad kid. I get that. I just found him to be super obnoxious and toxic in a typical teen way. ^^;

I was pretty sure Reki wouldn’t win, but I was annoyed that he lost by such a small margin, because yeah, that seems unrealistic.

Cherry absolutely ditched Carla to make Joe push him around. <3

But yeah, Adam is absolutely getting in trouble and more than likely going to jail. I’m still holding out hope that he’ll have an epiphany and turn himself in rather than make Tadashi take the fall, but I’d be equally happy if he just continued spiraling into madness. Either way, his character development would be fantastic. xD

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: Everything Money Can Buy (11/12)

Summary: The Greatest Store in the World AU. When misfortune strikes and leaves Emma Swan and her son homeless just before Christmas, the ever-resourceful Emma has a ready solution. They’ll move into Mills Department Store, a place they can only dream of affording to buy from. It’s not easy, having to deal with a perpetually grumpy doorman, a nasty assistant manager, and an extremely suspect Santa, but Emma and Henry soon learn that the kindness of strangers is something money can’t buy.

Swan Believer centric, with eventual Swan Queen and background Rumbelle and Dwarf Star.

Rated: G

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[One] [Two] [Three] [Four] [Five] [Six] [Seven] [Eight] [Nine] [Ten] [AO3]

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Eleven

"Here's to not working on Christmas Day, and a great deal of sympathy for everyone who is."

“Cheers."

Belle chinked her glass of cranberry punch against Alistair's. Knowing that he didn't drink, she'd raided her mother's recipe books for something suitably festive and non-alcoholic and had pulled together the punch from cinnamon, cranberry sauce, and boiling water.

"You know, if I had my way, Christmas Day would last for about three weeks," Belle said. "One day off is not enough, and normally I can't enjoy the respite if I know I'm going to have to go back to work and deal with people behaving extremely badly tomorrow. Sometimes I can't decide which is worse - pre-Christmas panic or post-Christmas sales."

"If all the shops in the country shut for a week before and a week after Christmas, that would be perfect," Alistair mused. "Not only would everyone be forced to get organised and buy their presents earlier instead of leaving it till Christmas Eve, we'd also have enough time to just about recover before people started shopping again in the New Year."

Belle laughed. She was having a wonderful Christmas Day so far. She and Alistair had spent the morning preparing a miniature Christmas feast, and she had given him his present. She’d intended to give it to him at the party last night, but after he’d invited her over for Christmas dinner, she’d decided to wait so that he could have it on the day instead.

He had gone very red when she’d presented it to him, mumbling about not having anything to give to her in return, but she’d pointed out that she was getting Christmas dinner out of him, and he’d eased up a little at that point. The turkey and roast potatoes were cooking nicely in the oven, and now she and Alistair were sitting on the sofa, watching the lights on the Christmas tree twinkling.

"This is wonderful," she said. "Thank you so much for inviting me. It would have been a lonely Christmas Day on my own. I'd have spent most of the day asleep."

"It is good to have company," Alistair agreed, and Belle felt a huge pang of sympathy for him.

"I'm sorry, you must be missing Bae."

Alistair nodded. "I am. I called him this morning and left a message, thanking him for my gift. Hopefully he'll call back later. I'm sure he will, he's good like that. We spent about an hour on the phone last Christmas, but it's not the same as seeing him in person." He paused. "Belle... I have something to confess." He'd gone a bit pink around the ears, and Belle raised an eyebrow, wondering what he could have to say that made him so sweetly nervous.

"What's that?"

"I didn't just ask you here to keep me company, you know. I... I think I would have asked you anyway, even if Bae was coming. Well, if it was all right by him."

Belle smiled. "I would have been very happy to accept no matter how many other people were coming.”

The only thing that could have made the scene any better would have been the addition of a nice sprig of mistletoe hanging from the light fitting above them, so that Belle could have an excuse for kissing her host.

Well, she didn’t think that she really needed an excuse, since they’d kissed in the basement yesterday, but still, it was the principle of the thing.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked presently. Belle decided that there was no point in beating about the bush. If you don't ask, you don't receive, after all.

"Mistletoe," she said. "Or rather, the lack of it."

Alistair smiled. "A terrible decorating oversight on my part. But I'm sure that we can use our imaginations."

Belle leaned in, her nose bumping against Alistair's as they met in the middle, giggling a little before their lips finally met. It would have been a perfectly freeze-framed Christmas moment if a car alarm hadn't started up a few streets away, making her jump.

"Perfect timing," she grumbled, glaring at the window. "Although, I suppose, Christmas Day's probably an opportune time for theft, since there's no one around."

The distant car alarm continued, and Alistair's brow furrowed.

"That alarm sounds familiar," he said. "I really don't think that it's a car alarm."

Belle felt a rush of ice flood through her veins as she too recognised the distinctive alarm.

"It's the internal alarm at Mills."

For a full minute, the two of them just looked at each other in fear. They both knew that Henry and his mother would be in the store, and whatever had happened to set the alarm off, the police would be arriving in due course. Belle hoped that the alarm had been set off for a genuine reason and the police's presence was really required, but that still didn't shake the fact that the police would arrive and find a homeless mother and son trespassing in the store. On Christmas Day.

"Let's go." Alistair paused only to switch the oven off - Christmas lunch could wait until they'd made sure that everything was all right at Mills. They grabbed their coats, speeding out of the flat and through London's almost empty streets, praying that they would get there before Regina or Zelena did.

They were rounding the final corner towards the yard entrance when they met Leroy and Astrid coming from the opposite direction, also at a run. Leroy was jangling a huge ring of keys, looking for the correct ones to let them into the yard, only for them to find that the gates were already open.

The four of them raced in and stopped short at the scene that met them.

X

In hindsight, Henry realised, sounding the alarm was probably not the best idea he'd ever had, because all it had served to do was to draw attention to himself, and Killian, with no thought for discretion now that the game was up, was now bounding over the display cabinets towards him with an agility that the puffy Santa costume belied. Not having long enough legs to be able to vault over the obstacles in his way like Killian, Henry was stuck weaving in and out of the counters on his mission to reunite with Mum, who was charging after Killian with a roar of 'GET AWAY FROM MY SON!'

Smee was nowhere to be seen, taking advantage of the confusion to escape with the loot. The alarm was so loud and shrill that Henry thought his ears would start bleeding soon.

Ultimately, he knew that he was going to be cornered, and he closed his eyes as he realised that he could go no further. He'd only had a short life and it didn't take a long time for it to flash before his eyes.

Killian grabbed him, throwing him over his shoulder.

"You're coming with me as insurance," he snarled, taking off towards the exit after Smee, before starting to shout for his colleague, calling him every name under the sun and some that Henry hadn't heard before and wasn't sure were even English.

"Stay back!" he shouted at Mum as she raced after them, waving the bolt cutters. "One more step and he gets it!"

Mum took a step back, and Henry took advantage of the moment of quiet to kick Killian squarely in the chest, making him swear with the pain and drop the bolt cutters. Mum launched forward again now that he was unarmed, but Killian was nothing if not determined. Not even Henry's wildly flailing fists and legs could stop him as he ran through the store out towards the yard.

"Smee, you faithless rat!" he was yelling. "Get back here!"

They raced out into the yard, Mum catching up with them and lunging at Killian just as they got down the steps towards the unmarked white van that was standing waiting by the bins. She caught his waist, succeeding only in pulling his trousers down, but it was enough to make him lose his balance, and enough for Henry to fight his way free of Killian's vice-like grip. Mum got to her feet in a flash and crash tackled Killian again, yelling at Henry to make a run for it as Smee, on the point of getting into the passenger seat of the van with the sack of jewellery, dropped his prize and came over to help his boss, loyalty once more winning out on seeing him being pounded by an extremely irate mother.

As much as Henry wanted to stay and help Mum, he knew that she was only in this precarious position because she was protecting him, so he legged it towards the open gates, grabbing the fallen sack on his way. It was heavier than it looked and dragged along the ground.

"Get back here, you little brat!"

Looking over his shoulder, Henry felt his eyes bug out of his head as he saw Zelena scramble out of the driver's seat of the van and come after him. He had a head start on her, but she had longer legs and could run something fierce when she wasn't wearing high heels. They were engaged in a tug of war for the sack when Belle, Gold, Leroy, and Astrid arrived on the scene, rushing into the yard before pulling up in confusion. Zelena didn't see them, too focussed on wrestling the sack away from Henry.

Leroy and Astrid wasted no time in going over to pull Smee off Emma and Emma off Killian. Belle was on her phone, hopefully talking to the police.

Gold came over just as Zelena succeeded in pulling the sack away from Henry.

"Yes!"

Her jubilation was short-lived as Gold yanked the sack from her flailing arm and opened it, raising an eyebrow as he looked inside.

"Part of your Christmas bonus, Zelena?"

"Yes, no, of course not, give me that! Thank God you've arrived, Gold, I was just in the process of apprehending these two jewel thieves; as you can see, Killian and Smee have been nobly assisting me."

"What?" Henry exclaimed, unable to believe the litany of lies that Zelena was now spinning. "That's not what happened!" he said, desperate for Gold to believe him. On the one hand, he knew that Gold had no reason to like or side with Zelena, but on the other hand, he'd only known Emma and Mum for a few days; they hadn't exactly been the picture of innocence whilst he'd known them.

"Right," Gold said flatly, refusing to relinquish the sack. "Well, since this is evidence, I'm sure that the police will take good care of it when they arrive. I'm very curious as to why the goods are in Santa's sack though, and why Santa himself is still in costume. Well, after a fashion." Killian's trousers were still around his ankles, and he had given up trying to fight off Astrid, who was now sitting on him. Leroy had Smee in a headlock, and Mum was standing off to one side, bent double as she caught her breath.

Satisfied that there were now enough responsible and trustworthy adults on the scene to handle everything between them, Henry left Zelena and Gold arguing and ran over to his Mum, throwing his arms around her and then springing back when she gave a little uff of pain.

"Are you all right?"

"Just bruised," she said. "And a bit winded. Haven't run an obstacle course like that since the van got towed in Birmingham." She straightened up and held out her arms for Henry. "What about you? Are you hurt?"

"No. I'm ok. Zelena's trying to make out that we're the thieves."

"Zelena? What's she doing here?"

"Driving the getaway vehicle from the looks of it."

Mum looked from the van, to Zelena and Gold, to the police car that had just pulled up in the yard. Henry hadn't heard the sirens over the blaring alarm that was still sounding out of the store.

"Right," she said. "Right, this might take some explaining..."

[haikumomentsandinspiration]

#healthcarevacation, part IV

Today is Sunday, May 10, 2020: Mother’s Day. (I like that in Turkish, the name of the day is Mothers’ Day—plural. I prefer that.) 

This felt like the appropriate time to sit down and catch up with the documentation of this long journey. 

If you need to catch up, you can read Part I here, Part II here, and Part III here. 

So where were we? Ah, yes. December 2019. The pregnancy/birth guarantee program at Fertty International Clinic in Barcelona, Spain. 

In my research looking for a new clinic after the last failed transfer (and the poor communication after staffing changes at our old clinic), one thing became clear: G. needed to have more tests and analyses done to try to figure out why all these transfers, including a donor egg cycle with two transfers, had failed.

After much struggle trying (in vain) to have Kaiser cover the tests and analyses Gene and I needed to have done, we realized it was going to be cheaper and easier for Gene to fly solo to Spain in November to get all that done. He would come back to SF, we would wait about three weeks for the test results, and then, based on the test results, we would finalize the protocol for me and the embryo transfer. 

Thankfully, G’s results came back normal, everything within expected ranges and levels. So our application to the birth guarantee/shared risk program was officially approved. I would go to Barcelona (solo this time) at the start of my winter break, have a first scan to check my lining, adjust my medication as needed, and get ready for transfer day in about a week. 

On December 10, G and I went out for sushi in San Francisco one last time (we hoped) before pregnancy, and a week later, I left for Barcelona. My first check up at Fertty the day after my flight was mostly just blood work and an initial scan to see how my lining was coming along. The lining was fine, but surprise, surprise: I was getting sick with a cold—December flights/weather change were working their magic on me again. My doctor asked to see me in a couple of days, and told me to keep the clinic updated on my health. Two days later, my cold had gotten worse, but my lining was still all right. I spent the rest of the day looking for a reputable and affordable acupuncturist (the second part being the challenge), and thanks to a friend’s rec, I made an appointment, with a focus not on uterine lining support this time, but on kicking this cold’s ass before transfer day. 

I took it easy that week, feeling no pressure to do any sightseeing since my priority was the healthcare part of this #healthcarevacation without a doubt. I feasted (!) on soup, bone broth, and hot tea and not much else for several days, and slowly started getting better. My clinic decided to keep my transfer day as scheduled: December 27. Meanwhile, Rina joined me again in Barcelona for a few days for emotional support leading up to transfer day (she doesn’t need much of an excuse to travel, especially to Barcelona). 

December 27: Transfer Day! I went to the Fertty for my final blood work before the transfer and to sign some papers. Then, off to fertility acupuncture, and back to the clinic for my transfer. Everything went smoothly; we transferred one embryo this time, with four more good quality embryos left for future attempts/a sibling, so I was feeling good and positive. Besides, their recovery/rest room was the most comfortable one I’d been in in all these cycles at three different clinics. After resting a bit, I went out for lunch, then headed back to my acupuncturist for a post-transfer fertility acupuncture session. Stick, baby, stick! 

I took it easy the rest of the time I was in Barcelona. Went out for a walk at least once a day, but had lazy days for the most part. 

On New Year’s Eve, the woman I was staying with, Renata, and I went for a late lunch at her favorite Brazilian Bistro (she’s from Brazil). And for dinner, we decided to go to my favorite Turkish restaurant, which I knew would be open till late with their regular menu and would not be charging an arm and a leg for a modified menu. After lunch, Renata, another Brazilian friend of hers, and I walked to the beach for a Brazilian ritual honoring Iemanja (Brazilian spelling). We made wishes, prayed, meditated, and threw yellow and white carnations to the sea for Iemanja, then sat together and watched the sunset. I felt so grateful to be invited to join this ritual (this will be my new cultural appreciation vs. cultural appropriation example the next time I teach that class!). Ever since I’ve known about her, I’ve always felt drawn to Iemanja—being a Pisces and considering my home to be the sea more than any piece of land and all. I felt at peace, and all felt right in the world in a way that I hadn’t felt for a while during this long fertility journey. 

I took it easy the next day. And the day after that, the morning of January 3, I had some spotting...very faint, but still spotting. I called G. and cried on the phone. But as he said, we were not out yet. I let Fertty know, too; they said they would up my progesterone dosage and monitor me closely. I had a big lunch and a late dinner that day. Big mistake. I woke up around 3:30 am, nauseated, and threw up twice. In the morning, my spotting had gotten slightly darker, but it was still not heavy spotting and definitely not considered bleeding. I went up from 600 to 800 mg of progesterone a day, and followed the BRAT diet—well, just the R part. The following day, I was feeling better, and finally went outside and played tourist. Surrounding myself with the beauty of Barcelona felt healing. Meanwhile, my clinic told me I could come by the morning before my flight back home for a blood test so they could tell me sooner than later both the result and what the next steps would be. If I weren’t pregnant, I didn’t want to keep taking all those pills and patches loaded with hormones. 

January 7, 2020: pregnancy test day! A year ago today was transfer day at Irema clinic, I noticed. I had a glimmer of hope, but no gut feeling either way. I repeated the lesson I had learned from a guided meditation that had been helping me a ton: there is hope in uncertainty! I distracted myself by finally sitting my ass down and doing some lesson planing for my cultural competence/equity literacy unit. In the middle of that, around 2:30 pm came the phone call from the clinic. “Do you want me to tell you on the phone or do you want to come in?” I didn’t want to go in just to hear “I’m sorry...” and I wasn’t sure I wanted a hug. You can just tell me now, I said, bracing myself. 

And that’s how I found out I was pregnant. 

I don’t remember the exact words the patient coordinator said. I just remember it took a second for it to sink in, and then I started crying while still somehow continuing the conversation and smiling from ear to ear. I finished up my work, and headed to the beach for sunset, which was my plan whether it was positive or negative. Whether I had to celebrate or grieve, I wanted to do it facing the sea. 

I went to the beach, watched the sunset, thanked Iemanja, thanked the Universe, and recorded an “IVF Log” video, which I assumed we would eventually share with our baby. 

At this point, you may have noticed I didn’t call G as soon as I heard. The next day, January 8th, was my flight back, and the day of our first date 11 years ago. The plan was to tell him in person—our anniversary gift. 

When I arrived home, I didn’t let him know I already knew. I didn’t know if he knew that I knew. We had decided on no anniversary presents this year since we had plenty of medical expenses. Turns out G got me a couple of gifts. I would have been upset with him when we had said we weren’t doing presents. Instead, I went to the bathroom, took the pregnancy tests I’d been saving for this day, then went back to the living room, saying I did have some presents for him from Spain. I gave him the couple of small gifts I had gotten for him from Barcelona. Then, I said I realized there was one more thing, and went back and got the pregnancy tests. 

The adventure didn’t end there, leaving its place to a blissful period. I had some bleeding week 7 and week 8, and ended up going in for five ultrasounds in those two weeks, freaking out each time since that’s around the same time in my pregnancy and the exact way my miscarriage had begun back in 2016. Each visit, though, instead of the “I’m sorry...there’s no heartbeat” of 2016, we heard “there’s the heartbeat” and exhaled, immensely grateful. After week 8, all was well, but I remained cautious and scared, and didn’t want to share the news with anyone other than family for a while. 

Then, the month after my return from Spain, of course: a global pandemic! We were handling all the challenges of this fertility journey so well, apparently, that the Universe thought, “Here, how about a global pandemic during your pregnancy in case things seem too easy now?” “Awesome,” I thought sarcastically; “what perfect timing.” Then, I realized: wait...this IS perfect timing. I came back from Spain, and not long after, Spain was suddenly one of the epicenters of the pandemic, one of the first countries that took significant precautions. This pregnancy did have perfect timing for real. I feel for women whose cycles had to be canceled or postponed. 

Today, Mother’s Day, is exactly 22 weeks into my pregnancy—we are more than halfway there to our estimated September 13, 2020 due date. So it feels like it’s a good time to share the news at last.

I want to say that I do not take this pregnancy for granted—especially with the context of a global pandemic and how it has impacted assisted fertility cycles in mind. Each day, I thank the Universe “for this healthy pregnancy—for all the healthy days so far, and all the healthy days to come.” Each time I light a Shabbat candle, I pray not just for my own family and friends’ health, but also for all who are pregnant, and for all who are trying to get pregnant.  I had thought that after almost five years of trying to conceive, when we finally succeeded, we would have celebration and community...and hugs! Instead, we found a global pandemic, isolation, distance from our loved ones, and more than the usual dose of a new parent’s fear of the unknown. Last month, I spent a lot of time crying upon slowly realizing all the things I wasn’t going to get in this pregnancy:

- being pregnant out and about in the world and experiencing what that’s like, even with all its irritations (people trying to touch my belly, people not giving their seat up for me on public transportation...); watching people slowly notice it at work...

- looking at baby stuff in person with G.: “OMG...Look at this one! Isn’t this soooo cute?!?” 

- an all gender (in-person) celebration/party with our family/friends in July or August (silver lining, I guess, is that family/friends who aren’t in the Bay Area can attend the Zoom party now...whatever that will look like);

- going to Turkey in June one last time in a while before the baby comes; being pregnant on a beach in Turkey; going baby stuff shopping with my family in Turkey; eating all the amazing food in Turkey and knowing it was nourishing not just my soul, but also our baby. 

- having my parents’ hands on my pregnant belly, feeling the kicks of their first grandchild; 

- coming back from Turkey with my mom, who wanted to come for a visit before the baby to help us get ready at home; 

- the September visit from both my parents; possibly having my mother in the delivery room, and knowing my dad is in the waiting room, being anxious and impatient; wondering if Rina could make it, even, and if she could, knowing she would be taking some amazing newborn photos. 

Gratitude has been my savior this whole time, and it still is. I know we will have time with my parents, my sister, and my in-laws as they each meet our baby in person eventually, and we will all make beautiful, sweet memories. I know there was a time when there was no FaceTime that would allow a partner who’s not allowed to be at the anatomy scan to still be there virtually. I know there was a time there was no anatomy scan via ultrasound. I could go on. 

There is so much to be grateful for still. Thank you, Universe, for this healthy pregnancy—for all the healthy days so far, and all the ones to come. 

[yinyangswings]

A New Year’s to Remember-Percival Graves

Pairing: Percival Graves x Reader

Rating: PG

Word Count: 2094

Warnings: Mild language

Inspired loosely (very loosely) after reading @fanfic-shiz​ story Someone Like You at least on the aspect of Percival Graves walking the reader home and me wanting to have a somewhat funny story involving Percival Graves

“‘Come on, it will be fun’ she begs, ‘He’s really nice and charming’ she says...” you mutter under your breath, “why do you ever listen to her?”

The ‘her’ in question was your baby sister Irene, a spunky yet slightly airheaded girl, who had taken to the new 1920 no-maj world in stride. You originally hadn’t even planned on going to the New Year’s Eve party some of the girls from work had set up, but she had begged, even saying she had a perfect blind date match for you. For your own sanity and hearing in the future, you finally agreed. You had hoped she had actually picked out a good match.

Apparently fate had a cruel sense of humor because she of course introduced you to Lance Guptill, or ‘Mr. Sexual Harassment’ as you had dubbed him at the MAC. Still, you didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so you forced a smile on and off the four of you went, your sister babbling on and on to her date, while you tried to keep Guptill’s hand from progressing any lower on your behind, your mother’s words of ‘be a lady’ echoing in your head.

Once you had gotten to the party, you had had a few shots of firewhiskey, not enough to inebriate you but just enough to take the edge off your mood. Which apparently meant to Guptill to start moseying up to you, pulling the charm.

You ignored him for a little bit, enjoying the party itself before you finally tried to give him another chance after taking a shot of Gigglewater.

You were a little bit slow to figure out what he was really trying to get you to do, and you would blame it on the alcohol later, but figured it out when he dragged you to secluded room in the apartment. And boy did he make it very clear, especially when you glanced down at his pants to see him already at full attention.

And he wasn’t going to let you get out easily.

You had to think on your toes, which given your slightly buzzed state, was impressive in itself, you had coyly (or as coyly as you could be while praying he couldn’t hear your heart wanting to scream out of your chest) remarked that you wanted to freshen up before the two of you had some fun. Then you sauntered over to the joining bathroom and closed the door, locking it and turning on the faucet so he actually thought you were doing what you said.

You had then crawled out of the window and scrambled over the roof, intending, after realizing that no-maj’s lived on both sides, to at least get to the ground below before you apparated away.

Which had led to your current predicament:

Dangling off the edge of some poor man’s balcony and probably giving the man below that the strangest sight he would ever see if he so much as glanced out to the balcony because you were just short enough to not reach the ledge of the balcony below. Maybe if you jumped you could try and fall forward. Sure you’d land face first onto the balcony, but it was a better option than-

“What the hell is going on here?”

You let out a scream as someone attempted to grab your ankle and you swung your other foot, hitting something, and that something cursed loudly. It was then you recognized that voice and your heart, that had previously been located in your throat plunged to your feet.

“M...Mister Graves?” You finally squeaked, chancing a glance down to see familiar dark hair and a back curled forward, obviously in pain and you groaned weakly, cursing yourself repeatedly and contemplating just letting go and having the asphalt swallow you. You had met him when you started working in the Investigations Department. Unlike your sister and brother who seemed completely content in the same position, you had worked your hardest and had risen in the ranks. It wasn’t as glamorous as the Magical Security department but it had its merits. And during that work you had met Percival Graves, and at first he’d intimidated the daylights out of you. But slowly you had gotten used to him and grown to actually like him as you got to know him from long hours at the office. He was confident yes, but he still cared about his subordinates and the country. Your sister had said you had come to admire him...greatly. You were pretty sure you had a crush on him.

And you had just kicked the same man in the face.

“Miss (L/N)? What are you doing?” He hissed out, covering his face as he looked up and you looked away.

“I thought I told you Mister Graves, I don’t like my last name!” You snapped, your face heating up as you pressed it as far as you could away from the lights on the balcony below.

“Alright, but that still doesn’t answer the question of what you’re doing, (Y/N).”

“...hanging around?” You managed to joke, which you then bonked your head lightly on the metal bars of the balcony in front of you. There was a sigh and you felt heat slide up your cheeks as two large, warm and strong hands wrapped around your hips.

“Let go, I’ve got you.”

Slowly you released your death grip on the bars you were holding and his grip remained strong as he held you and then you were on solid ground. You looked at him sheepishly.

“I...don’t suppose you’re going to let me get out of this without an explanation, are you?”

“I’d have to resign as Director of Magical Security if I did that.” He replied and you inwardly groaned.

“I was...escaping? I guess that’s the best word I can think of.” You finally explained and saw his shoulders tense.

“Are you in danger?”

“If I consider Guptill a danger, I’ll let you know.” You replied dryly. “Anyways, no...he was just getting a little too ahead of himself at the party and I didn’t really have escape options without making a big scene.”

“Guptill…” Graves muttered and then sighed, as though he figured it out “what did he do?”

“Uh...well, he might of tried to roll in the sheets with me. Tried being the operative word. I escaped through a window and-! What?” You asked as you thought you saw Percival Graves smile almost in amusement.

“Are you known for having a flair of dramatics (Y/N)?”

“It worked.” You replied hotly and he finally did laugh, something you had never heard from him before.

It made you feel like you had just guzzled firewhiskey.

“Of all the explanations I’ve heard of why I got kicked in the face, that’s a new one.”

“Right...sorry about that. I’m sure the bruise will leave in a bit.” You reply sheepishly, pushing some of your hair back. He gave a slight smirk, before motioning to the door and with a wave of his hand, his coat came flying over to him.

“Come along, I’ll walk you back to your place.”

“Huh? Oh, you don’t have to do that Mister Graves! You’re already home and-”

“Walking around New York alone on tonight of all nights is just asking for trouble (Y/N). Besides, a walk isn’t always a bad thing.” He replied, pulling his coat on. For some reason you felt like you didn’t have much of a choice and sighed, before following him, unable to not take a quick glance around of the apartment. It was pretty much how Percival Graves was; neat, orderly...but you noticed it seemed to lack warmth and was almost...lonely. Shrugging, you followed him down the stairs.

“Which way?” He asked, once you both had reached the sidewalk, probably devoid of the normal crowd of people. You pointed in the direction you and your sister had, just hours before, walked from to head to the party.

“Just a few streets that way.” You finally responded and he gave a slight nod and the two of you set off. It was rather quiet, though you could hear shouts and laughter, jazz music echoing lightly into the streets.

Well they were at least having fun. Shyly you snuck a glance at Percival, who was looking straight ahead, before clearing your throat.

“So...why aren’t you out here?”

“I am.”

“That’s not what I mean. You know, out around town, with friends. It is after all the end of this year.”

“I never found the need to celebrate the beginning of a new year.”

“I see...I’m not much of a party person either, I guess. My sister on the other hand...she can never turn one down.”

“So why did you go to this one?”

“My sister wanted me to go out and I hadn’t really seen her in a while. Lighten up once in awhile, she told me,” You explained, snorting, “clearly my definition of lightening up is running over the top of a roof and kicking the Director of Magical Security in the face.”

He chuckled.

“Are you alright, really?” You asked, pushing a strand of hair back behind your ear. “I really am sorry, it was just an impulse.”

“I’m fine,” he replied with a smile, “I’ve been hit by far worse.”

You snort lightly.

“I didn’t know you had siblings.” Graves stated suddenly and you shrugged.

“A younger sister and an older brother. It’s not that surprising really. Calvin is in Africa the last time I heard, and Irene is a secretary in the Committee on Experimental Charms. Not exactly the go to for aurors or investigative. We don’t talk all that much because of our jobs, but I humor Irene. She’s family after all.”

“As you said. But you went to this party for her.”

“Mhm.”

“Why?”

“So many questions, Mister Graves.” You teased before smiling softly, “I guess I figured it was sad being completely alone on New Years. I didn’t get to see her on Christmas because she was with her boyfriend’s family, so I hoped we could hang out.” You remarked before shrugging. “But sadly it wasn’t meant to be. I suppose I’ll be alone to ring in the new year.”

He was quiet.

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Pardon?”

“Alone. Considering you’re intelligent, have a sense of humor, beautiful…it doesn’t make sense for you to be alone.”

You blushed slightly.

“What about you?” You ask. “Why do you choose to be alone?”

He looked over at you and you blushed.

“It’s just...there wasn’t anyone with you when I sort of...dropped in, and I’ve never really seen you anyone visit you at work and...and...I’m prying, aren’t I?” You asked sheepishly as he glanced at you.

“Sorry. Force of habit.”

“I don’t know.”

You looked at him, before sighing softly and chuckled shortly.

“We’re quite the pair aren’t we?” You said and he grunted in agreement. “Here’s my apartment.” You stated, motioning to the building. You no more reached the first step when the nearby church began to toll its’ bell.

Midnight.

Well...you know what? Fuck it.

Going on your tiptoes as the bell from the church continued to ring, you kissed Graves’s cheek. He seemed to freeze and you offered a cheery smile.

“Well, Happy New Year Mister Graves.” You said, before realizing what you had just done. Your face burned brightly and you began to back up and and hurry away, squeaking as he grabbed your wrist. You looked up at him.

“I believe the tradition has the kiss in a different place, (Y/N).” He responded almost pleasantly, and you stuttered, because this wasn’t really happening. You had to still be at the party avoiding Guptill, just watching your sister have a good time.

“Mister Gr-”

And then his lips were over yours and you blinked several times to make sure you weren’t imagining this, before relaxing and your thoughts scattered as he pulled your closer, one hand cupping your cheek and angling your head further up, deepening the kiss. Finally after a few moments, he pulled away. You just stood there in a daze.

“Percival. Call me Percival.” He breathed and you nodded slowly, your mind slowly reconnecting.

“Happy New Year...Percival.” You finally managed and he laughed softly.

“Happy New Year (Y/N).” He replied, brushing another kiss lightly on your mouth, which you relaxed into and you muse that for running across a roof and trying to climb down an apartment, this was probably the best New Years Eve you had had in a long, LONG TIME.