#at the very very start of the pandemic my dad was so fucking paranoid

[leeknowsredeyeliner]

lockers and exes - nakamoto yuta

nakamoto yuta x fem reader

summary: your first day of school since the pandemic but this time, with your boyfriend, yuta... and a few appearances from your exes.

genre: slice of life, fluff !!!, suggestive

word count: 1.2k+

warning: yuta is dirty minded

note: hi !! it’s been a month since i last wrote but i wanted to put something out there. this is just yuta being cute with his reader gf :)

second note: i don’t write for nct but this gave me yuta vibes so here we are. now enjoy haha

navigation.

ring ring ring

“are you at school yet? or did you sleep through your alarms?”

“well, good morning to you too, yuta. i’m running to the lockers as we speak,” you lie as you trudge through the main floor of the school.

“you’re the worst liar ever. you’re a panting mess if you do so much as speed walk.” he’s not wrong whatsoever, you’re completely out of shape. then again, you were never in shape to begin with. “and a breathing mess in other situations,” he teases with an emphasis on the word ‘other’. his smirk is basically visible through the phone.

“okay then, asshole. well, you wouldn’t want me to damage my pretty face walking up the stairs. would you?” you half joke. yuta loves your pretty face but wouldn’t mind seeing you hurt yourself. just for his own entertainment.

“i mean, i guess you’re right. just hurry please. these juniors are scary.” you chuckle at the decrease in volume as he speaks in a hushed tone.

“shouldn’t they be the ones scared?” you respond at a similar tone, mocking him. “you’re a senior. and everyone’s scared of seniors.”

“for some odd reason,” you wanted to add.

seniors are just a group of students a year above juniors. simple as that. what’s so threatening about them?

“but there’s like a hundred of them and only one of me. they could jump me, y/n!” yuta’s cute, paranoid side shows through his voice.

“you, sir, are being very dramatic. now, bye!” you press the big red button before yuta could retaliate.

you peek over the rows of lockers before you, in search of yuta. once you spot him standing in the aisle of your locker, you speed walk over. his back is facing you so you decide to greet him in a special way.

your fingers zap the sides of his torso and he jumps up in shock. he gets a hold of your wrists before you back away and wraps your arms around him, your chest flushed up against his backpack.

yuta spins you around to face him, “hi there.”

“oh! hey,” you joke with him as if you hadn’t noticed who he was.

you smile at him, adoring his face despite the mask. his eyes are your favorite feature of his anyways — right next to his pearly whites. you haven’t seen yuta face to face since you started dating during quarantine. the only times you’d see his beautifully sculptured face was over a facetime call and random selfies he’d send with his dad or sisters.

while unlocking your locker, yuta leans against the locker beside yours as he admires you. the way you fix your hair after bending down to turn the locker’s dial. the way you lift the bottom of your mask to breathe a bit more comfortably. the way you bob your head to the music playing in your head. the way you look up at him after feeling his eyes on you.

“what are you looking at?” you question in a bit of a teasing tone.

“you, of course.”

you move around your locker’s door, over to yuta. your hand makes it’s way to his hair to play with it.

“i’m glad you’re you, yuta,” your other hand resting on his chest.

“that’s the sweetest thing you’ve said to me,” he purred. he waits for you to explain what you mean, whether it be a joke or more praising.

“um, excuse me,” a voice calls from behind you. “i need to get to my locker.” he explains further with just a point of his finger. his finger pointing towards yuta.

you know ten’s locker is beside yours. it was hard to ignore the fact during your freshman year. him being your ex and all.

though, it shouldn’t count if you were 10 and 11 years old and in elementary school.

it is odd how he continuously speaks about you as if you’re still friends. he moved abroad to germany for two years then came back bragging to people about how he dated you.

now, facing him is awkward. he has no clue you know about the things he’s said about you.

“my bad, dude.” yuta excuses himself and moves over to a locker across from yours, his view being just your back now.

you briefly put away a few of your belongings before turning to yuta. “was that the fifth grade ex?” he questions. you threaten him with your eyes. ten’s just a few feet away from you and could easily eavesdrop on your conversation.

rather than verbally shutting him up, you put a finger up to your masked lips, followed by a slight nod.

“are you driving me home after school?”

“only after a quick little date, pretty girl,” his eyes crinkle and you wish you could see the smile on his face.

“pretty girl?” you suddenly blurted out. “you haven’t seen my face yet.”

“i don’t need to see your face to know how pretty my girlfriend is.” his words are so smooth leaving his mouth, you wonder how he comes up with what to say. especially how he knows the right words to say because they always make your heart flutter. “but you’re right. i should have a look at your face before classes start. for a little motivation to get myself through the day.”

he pulls down your mask, with your consent, enough to sneak a peek at your face. and he’s met with your tongue poking out your mouth in a playful manner, bringing a chuckle out of the boy before you.

“as expected, a pretty girl.” the softness of his voice drops, “my pretty girl.” he then lands a slap to your cheek. not to the point where he’d hurt you but enough that you can feel a slight burning sensation.

“come on,” you whine. “not in public,” you say with embarrassment, fiddling with his hand. you aren’t actually complaining, you both know you enjoyed it.

“excuse me, guys,” a voice interrupts from beside you and yuta. “i need to open my locker. could you move a bit?”

you pull yuta a bit to the side, a bit distraught.

because what the fuck is this? a reunion of the exes?

this time, it’s your ex best friend, doyoung. who also happens to be your ex ‘almost’. but better known as, ‘traitor’ or ‘liar’.

he’s someone that should never be associated with. but it worries you that him and yuta would oddly get along if doyoung pushed his fake friendly act towards him.

“what’s on your mind, pretty girl?”

“nothing important,” you smile behind your mask.

“by the way.” he slings one backpack strap off and unzips the smaller pocket. “i doubt you had breakfast so here.” a banana. he pulls out a banana.

“i feel like there’s a catch,” you mutter, anticipating for what could leave his mouth. yuta has a filthy mind and never fails to express his feelings or thoughts. and of course you’d know, he’s rubbed off on you for too long.

it wouldn’t be a problem if doyoung weren’t standing a foot away.

“look at you, pretty girl. you’re so sma-”

you immediately cut him off, “just tell me what it is, nakamoto.”

“i have to watch you eat it, of course.”

a filthy mind indeed.

an abrupt cough comes from next to you. looking over, doyoung’s holding a water bottle and coughing uncontrollably. his fist hitting his chest repeatedly to help himself.

“you are never coming back to my locker.”

navigation.

[dawniebb]

Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times  because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.  No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #365

“i’m numb to the pleasure, but still feel the pain”

Are there palm trees where you live? No. Do you own any Hello Kitty stuff? If so, what? No. What’s your favorite flavor of ice pop? Blue raspberry. Do you like animal print? What’s your favorite print? Not really. I think animal "print" only really looks nice on, well, animals. Does your dad have any facial hair? Yes. What do you think of foot tattoos? They're not my favorite, but some look nice. I myself wanna get "11121" (a Silent Hill 4 reference) "carved" onto the top of my feet. Do you like bugs or do they scare you? Some do. I've gotten more into them though as my passion for tarantulas expanded to other inverts, like mantises. Ever seen the movie Chernobyl Diaries? If so, did you like it? If not, do you want to see it? I haven't, but I'd be willing to watch it. I find the whole Chernobyl incident to be extremely fascinating, so I'd probably like it. Did your senior class in high school have a class trip? Where did you go? Bitch I wish. :/ Do you have an instagram account? What’s your username? Yeah, two: brittanymphotography and eldritch_obscura. Do you like Gir from Invader Zim? I think he's cute. Do you or would you ever own a gun? Why or why not? No thanks. If I'm not mistaken, I can't legally obtain one anyway because of my suicidal history. I'm fine with having like, pepper spray and a bat handy by the bed, lol. If it was offered for free by a professional, would you get your hair dyed platinum blonde? For FREE? Fuck yeah I'd try it. What do you normally order at Dunkin Donuts? A chocolate frosted donut, and sometimes a plain/cake one. Do you watch football? Favorite teams? No. What about WWE? Favorite wrestler? That's an even bigger no. Funniest thing you’ve ever heard a teacher say? Okay so this is hard to actually explain and it be funny. I had this amazing, kinda charismatically awkward history teacher in high school, and when talking about some legal stuff I can't remember, she deadass quoted "Without Me" by Eminem ("if the FCC won't let me be...") like so casually and everyone fucking died, just from knowing her and her personality. It was just very unexpected. Do you wear a lot of makeup? What do you think of girls who do? No. Girls can wear however much makeup they please. Do you have a savings account? Are you good at saving money? No. I can't really answer the second question because of me never having a steady flow of money. Would you rather have a relationship or casual flings? Relationship, 100%. I would never have a casual fling. Do you know anyone that’s part Native American? Yes. Who was your favorite Spice Girl? I remember none of them. Have you ever tried to poison someone? Yikes, no. Have you ever saved anyone from a fire? No. Have you ever had a seizure? No. I've had sudden spasms, but never a full-on seizure. Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? No. Have you ever had a black eye? No. Have you ever had a tooth pulled? No. Have you ever had pneumonia? I have not. Have you ever had tubes put in your ears? Yes, as a baby. Have you ever been shot with an arrow or bullet? Thank god no. Have you ever had kidney stones? No. Have you even been bitten by an venomous animal? No. Have you ever thought about being in the military? Fuck no. I wouldn't qualify, anyway. Have you ever been sedated or put under anesthesia? Yeah. Have you ever used shrooms or any other hallucinogen? No. What upcoming event are you most looking forward to? I can barely believe my tat appointment is almost here lakjsd;ajwlej;rwe What was the last song you heard? I'm currently listening to Motionless In White's synthwave edit of "Voices" they just put out. I looooove it. What time did you wake up today? Maybe like, 5:20? Is there a vase in the room you’re in? No. Have you recently been insulted? Yes. Compared to someone else of your age and gender; do you feel that you have a lot to offer someone? N O P E How many days a week do you work? I'm unemployed. Is there ONE person you feel more connected to than others? Yes. What is your worst relationship quality? I obsess over the person probably leaving, so especially at the beginning, I'm paranoid and distrustful. I want to emphasize that I'm not the asshole that snoops through her partner's phone out of distrust, but still, the fear is just there. What was your most recent serious injury? A serious one? Man idk. I've had a lot or negligible and smaller ones, but a big one... *shrug* What were you most recently happy about? I was happy to see "synthwave" in this video title, haha. Are you a fan of cake? Oh yes. What is your favorite insect? Butterflies. Is your town beautiful? Ew, no. Do you prefer the city or the country? THE COUNTRY. Have you ever witnessed an eclipse? Lots of lunar eclipses. Do you wear lipstick often? No. You’re going on a date with someone you like. What would you like to do? Considering the pandemic, probably just like... grab fast food and sit and eat at a park. That'd be cute. You’re hanging out with your best friend. What would you like to do? It'd be nice to get back to Avatar: The Last Airbender while hanging out with Doris (her beardie that I adore), too. Have you ever written or considered writing a play? No. Who is considered the “black sheep” of your family? Why? Ha, me. To begin, I like all the "dark" stuff, I'm the unreligious one, the one with political beliefs unlike most of my family, I'm not doing what I should be... Why is your favorite movie your favorite movie? It's just a masterpiece. I love love love animals, African one especially, and I find it to be an amazing story of courage and dedication to family. Plus I shamelessly love all the songs, haha. What’s an odor you hate? GASOLINE. FUCK. What’s a sound you hate? Fingernails on a chalkboard. Or screech-y noises in general. If money was no issue, what would you like to do right now? I was initially gonna say go to Yellowstone, but fuck that hot weather this time of year. So, this brings us back to Venus' terrarium; I'd want to get a new one and better materials. What’s something you’re so good at that you take pride in your skill? I wouldn't say I'm "so good" at it, but I do take pride in my writing. What’s something you’d never ever dare to ask another person? Hm. Under ANY circumstance, I guess "are you pregnant?" There's almost like... no situation where I'd be comfortable asking somebody that. What’s the worst/best thing you’ve done without your parents knowing? We're not getting into that lmao. Do you know anyone who has a hearing deficit? No. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I could never stand seeing so many hurt and dying animals and still be okay at the end of the day. Are there any opinions you used to have even a few years ago that you look back on and think, “I can’t believe I ever thought that way”? THERE ARE!!!!!!!!!!! A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The last time you cried, what was wrong? I fell and skinned my knees when stepping over this barrier Mom made to keep the damn dog out of the hallway and thus my room to fuck with the cat and eat his food. I previously twisted my ankle, fell backwards, and had one other accident with it despite moving stuff, and I didn't cry from pain, just massive frustration. I want this dog GONE. Do you like multi-choice tests or tests you have to write out? Multiple choice. Who last called you ‘beautiful’? Couldn't tell ya, bud. Have you ever caught a firefly? Yeah, I did that lots as a kid. Do you own any camouflage? No. What’s the stinkiest pet you’ve ever had? Uhhh I dunno. Have you ever been on the news? For what? No. Have you ever seen one of your friends get arrested? No. Do you put sprinkles on anything? No, I hate sprinkles. How do you like your steak? Medium well. Long hair on guys: yes or no? Yaaaaaaaas. Is there a basement in your house? If so, what is it used for? No. When was the last time you started a new medication? It's been a while. What is your favourite type of nut? Cashews, I think. Where did you eat the best pizza you’ve ever eaten in your life? I'm so fuckin basic, like my genuine answer is Domino's lmaooo. Did you ever watch The Rugrats when you were a kid? Yeah, I loved that show. I even had the two video games; I was obsessed with the first one in particular. Do you know anyone who was adopted? Yes. Do your parents’ professions match their college degrees? No. Do you write shopping lists on paper or just remember it in your head? I don't do the shopping, so. But I would definitely need to write it down. Have you ever used a lawnmower? No. Have you ever consumed so much alcohol that you vomited? No. Can you tie balloons? No, actually. My hands are just too shaky. When was the last time you were at a pet store? A few weeks ago when we got rats for Venus. Ugh, it is SO overpriced; they come in a box of two, and as I feed her twice a month, it's honestly quite a bit of money. Like if I remember correctly, it's around $16. FOR TWO. SMALL. RATS. I've recommended we just buy them in bulk NOT from an overpriced chain pet store, but the problem with that is then we have *too* many, and the nutritional value of frozen rats apparently does degrade with time, so I don't want to feed my snake poor food. So it's just an annoying thing we have to do. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? Not like, an at-home one. I've been tested before surgery, but that was just a safety protocol. Does your ex still think about you? "The" ex, probably not. Honestly, who is the last person to tell you that they love you? My mom. What is the last state you were in besides your own? Virginia. Would you go down to see the Titanic if given the chance? Man, that's kinda tempting. Maybe. It'd be super cool. Have you ever seen the Hollywood sign in real life? No. Did you ever see a scorpion in the wild? No, they don't live here. Do you type the proper way? Have you ever typed on a manual typewriter? Yes to both. What was your maternal grandmother’s first name? Cecelia. Name a word that people use locally that outsiders probably can’t pronounce. Conetoe. You said it wrong.

[dietpitt]

Hey pitt hope youve been stayin safe durin these wild times and take care of yourself!!

Anon... you’re too sweet. Thank you for saying so.

I’ll take this opportunity to give some insight into why I keep disappearing. I’m sure folks are thoroughly tired of me announcing a return an then this blog being dead for a good few months to a year. I understand completely, and thank you one again for any and all support.

But I really just have to get a few things off of my chest, and I hope y’all can humor me for a bit.

So, as y’all know, I worked on the @gfdatingsim, particularly as Stan’s route head and the author of his final date. I was incredibly proud and happy (I’m still very, very proud of all the hard work I did), especially as I was writing it and at its initial release. But I didn’t talk about it much or even link to this blog, because of the nature this blog started out as way back in ~2015, and because we were not supposed to promote ourselves in any way through the sos blog aside from linking to a main. I was paranoid that if I even mentioned it on this sideblog, that people would be able to link it to my main, that folks irl would find out or something... and I was embarrassed to share such things on my main blog out of fear of who might be following me. But soon after it became such a massive, huge deal, I regretted not being able to talk about it more directly and fully enjoy the attention the whole thing was getting with the people that loved it so much. And that was on top of the major life changes and struggles that happened just a couple months later that had me completely MIA here for almost the whole year.

And so by the time I mustered up the courage to come back, I felt really awful... not just because I missed what was the peak of the phenomenon due to life things I was still dealing with, but because I was still scared and felt so torn because I was hiding away something that was a huge part of my life for so long. And it’s dumb, but I felt obsolete and like I could never be as good as the new talented folks who were now posting and writing at a rate I couldn’t match, despite a few of them being inspired by something I did. It’s shitty, I know... I tried so, so hard not to feel this way, but my anxiety had hit its peak and got worse after a new traumatizing incident that set me back yet again in 2019.

By that point, I had a full-on aversion to this blog. I would have a physical anxiety/panic reaction to even seeing the title, or checking messages. And that, worst of all, transferred to Gravity Falls fanfics completely-- not only could I not enjoy reading them anymore without feeling terrible and in my head about everything that had happened, but writing them myself-- the thing that once brought me so much happiness and was my way to express my love for a character like I’d never had before-- became a stressor and reminder of all the things I did wrong and that went wrong.

And every time I tried to return and was exposed to stan x reader stuff again, these feelings would spiral and start all over. The anniversary last year started off great, but dug up and revamped a lot of those feelings. And then of course, the pandemic, and now the protests that I hope won’t stop any time soon, which have been taking my attention and efforts to try and do SOMETHING, and not anything for myself right now.

But, TL:DR: this has been looming over me for two years. And I’m so sick of it. I’m SO tired of myself feeling like I need to “wait for the right time”, or like I can just keep living like this, because it’s the last thing I want. I WANT TO ENJOY WHAT I MADE AGAIN!!! I want to find happiness in what I created, those I inspired, in Stan himself because guess what!!! I still love him so fucking much!!!! nothing can match that comfort he provided me!!!! I’m tired of hiding that part of my life, and having to avoid him and the epic work of art I helped make happen to avoid a panic attack and depressive thoughts!!!!

So I’m going to be trying, once again and hopefully for good this time, to come back to this blog and make it somewhere I can be happy to visit. To change my associations with SOS, to not give up on this because I honestly feel so empty trying to leave it behind like this. I’m not done, and I don’t want to be.

This month is the anniversary of SOS, and I really want to celebrate. For real. And I’m working on something that I can do so that I can not only start writing again, but so that I can also use the platform I have, regardless of how petite it may be, to help those that need it right now.

To introduce myself properly, so I won’t be hiding anymore:

Hi. You can call me Pitt if you wanna. I’m pretty nice, I love meeting new people and talking about cartoons, hot dads, and disco. I won’t be running off after I post this this time.

Thank you.

[blujayonthewing]

My mom texted me tonight

“I miss you xo. I wish we could visit, or get together. Or whatever. You kids & John, you’re what I cling to xoxo I love you so much”

I sent back some hearts. I don’t know what else to say.

On my birthday my dad was coincidentally in the state, and wanted to visit; embarrassed, and already deeply depressed to be turning thirty without my friends and family, I explained that we weren’t comfortable having anyone over-- I wouldn’t even enjoy it, I’d just be anxious. “The last thing I’d want to do is make you anxious on your birthday,” he said, sincerely, and then jovially added “I’m coming back to Michigan the weekend of the fourth, so you’ve got two weeks to suck it up.”

“Your dad thinks you’re paranoid,” my grandma told me during our phone call later.

He texted, two weeks later: “Friendly reminder: I’m in town starting Friday evening. Don’t miss me this time ;)” It took me two days to work through the frustration and anxiety to text him back that we were, unfortunately, not any more comfortable having people over than we had been two weeks prior.

“Noted.” I haven’t heard from him since.

Justin’s mom has house warming gifts for us. “You can’t keep us away forever,” she frets. Her facebook has pictures of margarita night at the local mexican restaurant. She mentions offhand they’re hosting a pool party for her coworkers next weekend.

My friends are going out of town this weekend. My friends are posting pictures at each other’s houses, holding each other’s kids. My friend says “as long as people are honest about their interactions with people and not bringing ick into my house, we don’t mind having people over” and another friend has to point out that she works with the public, so she can’t really be sure. My friends complain about their boomer parents being infuriating right-wing conspiracy theorists. My friends have extra time for dnd tonight because the baby’s with their parents. My closest friend is an impulsive extroverted morning person-- when she asks to video chat I’m usually still sleeping off a sleepless anxiety night, sometimes even late into the afternoon. I fucking miss my friends.

I’m anxious about dying even when the world isn’t coming apart at the seams. I’ve lost countless nights to completely irrational what-ifs wrt my own health. And the one fucking time my anxiety isn’t completely irrational, the world conspires to make it as obvious and inconvenient for other people as possible-- people who are more comfortable than I am making reasonable risks like getting their own groceries, or who have in-person jobs they can’t avoid, or who-- somehow!-- have managed to believe there’s nothing to worry about, that I’m just needlessly hand-wringing over nothing. And every fucking day I have to read about someone who died after mocking the severity of the pandemic, or someone who died even after being very careful because they came into contact with people who didn’t, and yet every fucking day I see everyone Going About Life like all’s well and have to wonder if I’m just crazy after all?

I don’t know how to wrap this up. I’m just rambling at this point. So many people act hurt or angry that we’re staying locked down, like they’re being slighted, like it’s personal. Like we weren’t gushing about getting a guest bedroom and a game room and a fenced yard for our friends’ kids to play in when we looked at this house in February. Like being close to people wasn’t the reason we came back to the state in the first place. Like having pre-existing personal health anxiety during an unprecedented global pandemic and completely uncontrolled mass-death event is a choice I am making, because it’s fun for me.

[actuallyvady]

I’ve mentioned once or twice that i accidentally a business and that has kept me busy, and that’s why I’m not on here much...

That’s not the whole story. This is long and ranty, so I’m putting it under a cut.

I live with my mom and dad, and for the most part, that has been a great arrangement. They don’t charge me rent, I get to see my nephew often. it’s nice. Do I have the occasional clash with my mom? Of course! But mostly it’s fine.

It’s not fine right now.

Before there was a global pandemic, my mom started planning a massive renovation project. What started as “I’d like a new kitchen” turned into “well as long as they’re here...” and suddenly I was informed that for the duration of the project I would be without a shower, because they were going to be re-doing the bathroom in the basement (where I live). I say “I was informed”-- that should have been a red flag, but wasn’t. Yeah, it was going to be an inconvenience, but they let me live here rent free, it is their house.

That was before there was a global fucking pandemic.

Guess what my mom insists on going forward with?

In the beginning of march I was uncomfortable with the fact that she didn’t seem to be inclined to change her plans at all-- and my sister and I fought with her, hard, about staying home. She had been making quick trips to the grocery store every day. Literally every day. And she would pout if it was pointed out that she’s nearly 70 and as a breast cancer survivor who did radiation treatment (and therefore has reduced lung capacity), she’s much higher risk than the rest of us.

When we finally talked her into not going to the goddamn store, she still kept on planning on her renovation project.

When the stay at home order went out... she looked it up and discovered that the type of work our project is technically counts as “essential.” And In spite of listening to my growing fears about all of this, she informed me that she had no intention of delaying the project-- and that no, we would not be discussing it.

She decided later that day to delay it, after my dad talked to her as well.

She decided to delay it for two weeks, and then just... dropped it. I guess she knew that if we were having conversations about it, we would be telling her that this is a stupid, selfish thing and we should put the damned project off until it was safe-- yes, mom, even if that means more than a year. There is nothing about the project that is necessary to do right now, you stupid, selfish child.

The date she had arbitrarily decided on approached and she started talking again about it, as if there were not going to be any objections. There were. I made myself very clear, that I did not approve of going forward with it, that I was genuinely terrified at the moment and thought this was a terrible idea. She did not seem to care.

My sister agreed with me, and told my mom that she wouldn’t feel like it was safe for her child to be over here, if there were going to be workers in and out all the time. And no, that did not mean grandma could come over instead-- that meant not seeing him at all.

The threat of not seeing her grandchild got through to her... so she decided (again without... even discussing anything with me) that we were going to move into an airbnb for 10 weeks. Because that is clearly more reasonable than... not... doing... the... damned... project.

My brother-in-law works in a lab, occasionally with infectious diseases, and he’s generally a paranoid nutjob, so we called him in. (Mom is comforted by him not panicking; I’m personally fairly sure that’s because he’s a libertarian and doesn’t care what happens to people that are not himself, whereas part of why I’m so upset about all this is that we are increasing the risk for others, not just ourselves. But I digress.) So we sat down and talked about the protocols that would make this less stupid.

Part of me had hoped that when she realized just how disruptive doing this safely would be, she would change her mind. No such luck.

This entire experience has taught me one thing: my mom does not care about whether anyone else involved consents, if she has the power to make something happen. And that she specifically does not care about my consent.

When I objected to all of this, I was told that there would be no discussion. When my dad objected, she delayed. When I told her I was terrified, nothing. When my sister said mom couldn’t see her son, new plans. During the discussion of protocols, we brought up the idea of doing the bathroom down here first. Mom said it would cost more-- we countered with “you were going to rent a house for three months” and she agreed to ask. When I followed up on that, she said “oh, that’s more of an in-person conversation, I’ll ask when they get here.” Then she realized that the small child is currently potty training, and maybe having no bathrooms easily accessible was not the best plan for that... she emailed the designer immediately.

Again and again-- my objections, my fears have meant nothing.

Once all this is over, I’m moving the fuck out. I don’t know how, and I’m probably still stuck here for a very long time, but. Mom has made it clear she doesn’t care how I feel. It’s time to be gone.

Anyway, that’s why I’ve been keeping myself absurdly busy. Whether I’m terrified of being exposed, personally, because of risks I did not choose to take... or filled with seething rage that my household has the privilege to isolate and should be doing so, not just for our own sake, but for society at large, and mom is throwing it away for a vanity project... varies. Sometimes it’s one more than the other. Mostly it’s both.

[jj-lynn21]

Stuck in the Madness with you Ch 3

Warnings:  drug use, virus talk, fluff, angst, Smut. This chapter more than any has places and people that tie into other Princess and Roman stories I have written. Find them on my master list under Hemlock Grove Fan Fiction: Roman Godfrey  

Music: Linkin Park - In The End (Mellen Gi & Tommee Profitt Remix),  Crowded House's Don't Dream It's Over,  The Suicide Machines’  It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

ch 1 ch 2  

You and Roman pull up to the “Rumancek mansion” as Letha jokingly has been known to call her home away from home. Her and Peter are sitting on the porch swing sharing a blunt.

Letha stumble runs up to Roman falling on him, “Roman I missed you.” She kisses him on the lips long enough to make you feel a bit uncomfortable.

Roman glares at Peter. “Good to see you to Letha.”

She moves on to hug you. Her eyes all glossy, “You taking good care of this stern guy?” She tries to punch Roman’s arm and misses.

You hug her back, “He’s not always so stern. He’s got a secret smile.”

This makes her giggle.

Roman is sitting with Peter on the swing as you walk with a giggling Letha towards them. They are sharing what is left of the joint and have beers in their hands.

“There she is,” Peter had a goofy smile on his face. “The love of his life. My replacement.”

Peter offers you a beer. You take it as you laugh, “No one could replace you in Roman’s heart.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Roman grumbles.

You and Letha laugh. You sit on Roman’s lap as you sip your beer. Letha sits on Peter’s lap. He hands her a beer. 

Letha gets more inebriated whining, “Roman, Peter wasn’t didn’t let me go shopping all the week.”

Roman chuckles, “I ordered him not to. You can still shop online. Whatever stores are open that is. This whole state is shut down except for some take out and grocery stores opening limited hours.”

“Besides I told you, you have plenty of cloths Letha or you can go around the trailer naked when its just us.” Peter grins.

“Boys boys they will never understood us grrs,” Letha slurs looking for you to back her up.

“Your right, there are things these goofballs will never understands about shopping,” You laugh. “But you don’t need to take chances with almost 2000 virus cases confirmed in the state. Some are carriers before they even get sick. I agree with Roman and Peter, its best you stay here with Peter. We are immune. Your father and Mother are not.”

Letha pouts, “Yeah, Dad agreesss wif them boyz alssso. Still sssucks” She starts playing with the hair on Peter’s chest. “Your hairy growns so fast. I just trimmed up my wwolffy this morning.”

Peter chuckled, “I guess.” He finishes his beer. “hear how long this shit’s supposed to last Roman? She’s antsy as hell. This is her at her best but I can’t keep her drunk and high all the time.”

“No fucking clue dude.” Roman shakes his head. “Fuckers made me fucking close my fucking business down for some goddamn human problem they probably fucking created.”

You rub Roman’s back, “Don’t get him started again Peter. Roman, as you told me, we need to keep them safe. If they go, we go.”

“Yeah, I know Princess.” He finishes his beer. “Looks like Letha’s out for the count. We’ll get going so you can get her inside. Give us a call if you need anything. We’ll come out again next week.”

“Will do.” Peter carries a passed out Letha inside.

Roman and you head back to the car. “We’ll go check on the supplies at Club Vee. See if we can get some more wine. Maybe a quick snack if there is anyone crazy enough to be out partying during a pandemic.”

“I would think the club would be dead, I mean no people around at all, but we shall see.” You get in the red mustang.

Roman drives at top speed of the sports car since there are no other cars on the road. You are surprised to see all the vehicles at Club Vee when you get there. The parking lot isn’t full. There is no line at the door to get in as there is usually. But there are fifty cars or more.

Roman laughs wickedly as you walk up to the door, “I guess we still feast tonight. Stupid humans.”

You laugh, “I’m pleasantly surprised.”

When they walk inside they see well over two-hundred people grinding on one another to Linkin Park - In The End (Mellen Gi & Tommee Profitt Remix) . Roman swings you in close pulling your arms around his neck. He wraps himself around you moving his body with yours as he looks into your eyes. It always takes your breath away when he looks at you so intensely. You’re never sure if he just wants to fuck, devour you in some other way or is just teasing you until he decides what he wants. “In the end nothing matters but us Princess,” Roman’s voice in your ear is a deep seduction.

He is so good at making you melt in his arms. Or make you whimper. Or make you crave him when he is not with you. Your glad for this moment with him now.

The people stay glued to each other as Crowded House's Don't Dream It's Over starts playing next. The mood is that of desperation and fear. You and Roman can smell it on all of them. They are not here to just defy authority. They are here to keep from letting seclusion and fear over-take them which in their mind is worse than the fear of possible death.

You and Roman head into the bar sitting at a booth in a darker corner. The waitress brings a bottle of wine and a charcuterie board with sausage, pepperoni, swiss, cheddar, gouda and crackers.

“Its good to see you Prince and Princess.” She said. “My name is Kelly. The King and Queen are seeing to business in Las Vegas. Tye  is managing the daily business. If you would like to see him, I can tell him you’re here.”

“Thank you, Kelly,” Roman said politely. I would like to talk with Tye. And a few bottles of wine sent to our home if you can spare it.”

“Of course we can for you and your Princess.” She said. “The two of you are our top priority when the King and Queen are not here. If things get to crazy out there, this is always a sanctuary.”

“Thank you,” her words make you feel nervous. You feel Roman tense. “Let’s hope it doesn’t get to that point.” You shiver when she walks away. “Roman, I don’t like the vibe in here very much.”

“Me either Princess.” He takes a sip of wine. “We’ll get out of here after we talk with the manager. Maybe we will run out to Vegas soon.”

Tye comes out of the office. “Evening Prince and Princess.” He bowed before sitting across from you and Roman. “Considering the virus that is run through them we are doing good. Not the wall to wall people we are used to but enough to keep us going. We also have a surplus of wine and blood if needed. It would last years before we even had to ration. And I’m sure some of them would survive and repopulate. Not that they are near that point this time.”

“That’s a bit of a relief,” You nibble some cheese.

Roman rubs your shoulder, “Good to know Tye. Thank you.”

“We are going to call it a night soon so maybe some of these people will go home to sleep.” Tye said. “Some of them haven’t slept in days. Poor paranoid bastards.  Have a drink while it  is fresh. Always the best kind.” His fangs show a bit as he grins. Then he goes out to join in the closing festivities.

You and Roman finish your wine. And finish your snack. The main course awaits you on the dance floor. The Suicide Machines’ It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) plays. People scream in pleasure and pain not comprehending what is happening around them as you, Roman and others take a little taste of each. Never enough to kill. Always enough to satisfy and feel damn near high from the experience. They don’t remember a thing. They are healed on the spot.

As the satisfactory high courses through you, Roman has you up against a wall kissing you madly. Your hands messing up his perfect hair. His hands roam your body under your dress. Your hand moves out of his hair fumbling for his belt getting it undone as your panties fall to the floor. Sex after a good feast is always the best.

You take a breath as Roman takes a second to get himself unencumbered. His mouth captures yours again as he plunges inside his favorite warm place thrusting powerfully. You moan into his mouth. Roman holds your ass as your legs go up around him. Your head back as he pushes your body to move with his. Your hips buck against his thrusting with as much force as he is giving you.  You hear Roman growling as he groans pushing you right over the edge.

You cry out, “ROMAN!” as you come.

“Mine,” He growls before coming. Roman slows. He captures your lips again holding your face. “All mine. I’ll make sure you get everything you need always.”

The club has emptied out by the time you get yourself back together and look around. You and Roman nod to the guard at the door as you leave to head home. 

[literarynerd05]

Rant and Realizations

I’ve been sitting here, staring at the screen, trying to figure out how I want to start this. I haven’t blogged in such a long time. Instead, I have been keeping it all inside. I wanted to get back to text based role playing, but the group I found...sucked. I could not follow the posts at all, did not understand what story they were trying to show. Many of them did not even know how to role play in a text based format properly, and this group even had a teaching area where one could learn how to do so! And punctuation...I had to leave it because it was so bad. I liked doing text based role play because it kept me creative and helped me write more, but oh well. Maybe it is a good thing, it would be like going back in time in a way, since I primarily played when in high school. 

Life is hard right now. My PTSD is back and so is my border line personality disorder. I kept asking myself, “Why now? Why is all of this happening to me now?” I have PTSD inducing dreams and it feels like things that I have suppressed are starting to unlock. I talked to my therapist about it and she thinks it is probably because of the stress of how the world is right now. That sucks, but it makes sense. It just makes everything so much harder. I wake up after one of those dreams on the brink of an anxiety attack, having trouble breathing, shaking, a little paranoid. I have been wondering for years if I wanted to know what I have suppressed and now that some of it is coming out, I still do not know the answer to that question. Does knowing make my life easier? Does confronting my inner demons completely keep me from future pain from them? I honestly do not know. I do know that I am scared to have those memories come to the front, scared as to what was so painful that I have suppressed it. 

I keep trying to remember aspects of my childhood because I have suppressed so much of it. I see pictures of myself and I do not have the memory of when it is from. I remember before my mom moved and she and my dad were separated that I played in the medicine cabinet at his and his girlfriends house (the one with the boys that sexually abused me) and I had fun breaking open capsules and dumping into water. But that is where the memory stops. Did I get caught? Did I get in trouble? Why was that stuff where I could reach it anyway? Who was supposed to be watching me?  Basically, I have a snapshot of a moment, not the full memory. I remember when my mom came back from Ohio to pick up her stuff from our house on Beach street, but again, only a snapshot. I just remember that the truck had a hole in it and them loading stuff into it. Then there are the things that I remember but have no visual image of it. I know my dad and I went to Six Flags every summer, but I cannot see it in my mind. I know we got waffle cones before we left, but again, I do not have a visual. It is like my childhood was so traumatic that even my good memories have been hidden from me. I do want my good memories back but they could be so entangled in the bad ones that to have even the good ones, I have to take the bad. I guess that makes sense, take the good with the bad and all. 

The custody court stuff? Or maybe it was just the divorce stuff and the custody was part of it. Anyway, all I remember is I had to go talk to the judge alone and that during winter I believe, my mom and Kevin left me at a friends house to come to Illinois for court stuff. This is what has been really plaguing me lately. What exactly happened? Did the judge even have my mothers history of child abuse? Did I really want to go live there like is in my memory because I wanted to be near my big brother? Or was it really my moms idea and she talked me into believing it is what I wanted? I tried talking to my dad about all of this but he doesn’t remember, or says he doesn’t. I keep thinking that there has to be transcripts of this, somewhere. I have found the barest information on the divorce online, which could be where the custody was as well, the judges name  does sound vaguely familiar. But there is no information about dispositions or things like that. I hope that it is something that I will be able to see if I went in person, after all, it did concern me. Nothing comes up when I search my own name, which makes sense considering that I was a minor. I don’t know why all of a sudden I need to know, but I do. I want to know what all was said and what all happened. I also wonder if it is something that I will have to pay for? 

I hate that more than half of my life is a blur to me, a vague snapshot of what has transpired.

I came close to cutting but chose to start smoking again instead. I haven’t cut in 7 years. I do not even remember when I first did it and why I did it. I know why I did it later on but I do not know what happened to make me do it the first time. 

And I am so ANGRY lately. Angry at the world, angry at the President, angry at my mother. There is a pandemic going on with over 100,000 deaths and she has not checked in with her family. How can someone be so fucking selfish? How can she not care about her children, her mother, her sister enough to at least check in during this very scary time and be like hey, I am okay and I want to make sure you are okay. But she hasn’t. I know, I am not surprised, but I am angry. I will never understand my mother. I know she is sick, mentally. And I logically know that she will never be the mother that I want her to be. Hell, that I need her to be. It is just getting my emotions to understand that, that is where I am running into the problem. Logic is great but sometimes your heart does not understand logic. I see other people posting about how wonderful their mom is and I am so happy for them...but also jealous because I do not have that type of mom. Yes, I do have my Aunt Anne, who has been more of a mother to me than my mother ever has, but sometimes it isn’t the same. I just wish that I had a mother that actually cared. One that didn’t care more for her dog than her children like mine did growing up. One that I can call and talk to about anything and everything. One that hasn’t repeatedly abandoned me. One that does not make me feel like dirt, feel worthless and unlovable. One who celebrates my accomplishments instead of making me feel like nothing is ever good enough. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for her. Why was I never good enough? Why doesn’t she care? I wish...I wish I had an actual mother. It hurts so much that my own mother, the person who birthed me, does not want anything to do with me. Has never truly loved me....That one is the hardest to come to terms with. She has never truly loved anyone, even her children. How does one even process something like that? Where do I even begin? I guess my therapist and I have a place to start. I tend to avoid confronting my feelings about my mother. But...it is time that I start. I will not fully heal until I do. How can someone not love their children? Is this why I have never had a lasting relationship? Why I laugh at the thought of marriage and any kind of commitment? I am realizing quite a bit while writing this. Maybe I am holding onto D because I am afraid to move on...afraid to truly love someone and be loved back. Yeah, D loves me, but he is never going to be able to really admit it or embrace his feelings. Or even love me how I want him to. Maybe I am more in love with the idea of how we were versus still loving him. That is another one that is hard to confront, but I need to if I am ever going to move on fully. I can’t keep looking at the past and at what may have been. I can’t change him. I can’t change my mother. I know she will never be the mother that I want her to be. That I need her to be. I know D will never be the person that I have wanted him to be...that I hoped he would be. Once I start to heal, I need to find someone that actually loves me. That wants to be with me. That wants to be Leo to my Piper. Ben to my Leslie. Jim to my Pam. Luke to my Lorelai. Shawn to my Juliet. 

Realizing all of this is hard. But I can use this to help me move on. To help me become better. To love myself again. To find myself again. 

I am afraid to be completely open with someone because I have been hurt. I have been hurt by someone that is supposed to love me no matter what. How can I trust anyone else with all of me when my mother doesn’t love me? How can I be that vulnerable? That exposed? I feel like everything that I have realized while writing this is why I haven’t sat down to write in so long. 

With the pandemic, I live every day scared, sad, and angry because of all of the senseless deaths. Because our country is not doing what needs to be done. So many people are not understanding how serious this thing is. So many think that it infringes on their civil rights. What do we as Caucasian people know about civil rights? Wearing a mask does not infringe your civil rights, it protects OTHER PEOPLE in case you are infected and are asymptomatic, or even are infected and know and are still going out. The death toll was not even supposed to reach 80,000 until AUGUST. It happened at the beginning of May. Now, not even 30 days later we have hit over 100,000, the highest in the world. Other countries actually shut down and took this seriously so their numbers are nowhere near ours. But we have an imbecile in the oval office that likes to overstep his authority and cares more about himself and the election than the American people. And many people still DO NOT see this about him. He regularly has temper tantrums and storms off. If someone disagrees with him he tries to silence them. I am scared of where our country will be come November because we are not heading in a good direction. People are not social distancing...they are not wearing masks...Our president isn’t taking the pandemic seriously. Tells blatant lies and then gets mad when someone calls him on it. Even his own people. Checks and balances are in place for someone like him but because we are a two party system and his party is so afraid to cross him, he will not be held accountable for his actions and lack of inaction. Instead, this moron gets to run rampant and give the constitution a middle finger. 

Think about it for a minute. 100,000 deaths. That is the population of some cities. That is a number we should never have reached. We need to take a minute...stop and think about the people we have lost. Think about what needs to be done to prevent more deaths. What can we do to slow this thing? We need to have concern for someone other than ourselves! Care about the consequences of your actions on other people! We are the most selfish country only thinking about oneself. 

All of this does not help my depression. But I have to watch a bit of what is going on every day so that I am informed. It honestly makes me cry. When I watched a news clip after we reached 100,000 deaths, I cried. For them, for our country, for those that may come next. 

[holdup-andrememberthetime]

So hes doing so much more with his life than i am. Hes 19, living on his own on the other side of the country with a fu time job and a girl friend on the rise. Im 25, sitting at home on my couch, never had an actual relationship, yeah i have 2 degrees and a diploma but what good are they if i can get a stupid job because of this fucking pandemic! I had it all planned out you know. Do my 4year undergad, work for a year to gain some confidence, 2 years teachers college, get hiered by a board, supply teach then land something perminent. Then covid hit and schools are fucking closed. Yeah theres online and all but ive missed the learning curve all the current teachers and students had back in may and anyone coming out of teachers college this year is gunna have had courses to teach you how to teach olnlibe classes and im just that dead year in the middle that was taught all the old ways and has no experience in elearning. This post is a jumbled mess so heres me now jumping back up to the friend on the other sode of the country. Im estatic for him and super excited that hes kinda starting to see this girl but theres also a part of me thats worried about it. I need to context here, hes a family friend that i met when he was 12 and we were kinda just pushed to hang out out of convience and Neither if us have Any remantic feelings for eachother. What im worried about is that hes kinda become one of my closest friends and with him getting a girl friend im worried he wont have time for me anymore or worse that the girl will be threatened by our friendship. To which i was obviosuly just back right down because i will not stand in the way of him happiness. I/we got lucky with my friend in china. He found an amazing gf over there and her and i have become really good friends. But thats not everyone. Its just weired because rn my main human connections (aside from my parents) and the friend that moved to the west coast and HIS friends. Im online with him and his 2-3 friends (all guys hes went to grade school with) playing games with them and its just strange. And they are great but because of the age gap i feel very sheilded like i see so many posts on here about people hanging out with younger people and ive actually had that conversation with him about that and he things im being dumb about the idea. But hes a good friend that ive known now for 7 years and usually when we play games we play with his friends because we wants to play with everyone, which im cool with. Theyre fun. But im just confused about it and scared. And basically i have nothing beter to do anyways, those ps parties are literally what i look forward to every day (we usually play like every other day) because its the only interaction i get? My dad is paranoid about covid so im not alowed to leave the house. By best friend is occupied with her own life (and if i told her any of this she would put everything on pause to try to comfort me and that thought makes me cry because its so fucking sweet but i cant be an inconvience to her like that!) and my other best friend has a 12 hiur time difference. And my other friend on the west coast, well i dont really talk to him about this stuff. We are kinda the “get our mind off our problems” friendship either through sports or video games. And god help me if i made a comment to my dad that i want to see a therapist. I very casually mentioned “it would be a cool expeirnece” once a few years ago and he got mad saying i have a great life and what could i possibly want to talk to a therapist for.... i fully beleive i havnt been fully mentally sound since highschool, but ive been able to cope on my own and with my friends really well. But now with people having their own lives and moving away and fuckin covid diminishing my career... idk anymore... and its not that i dont want to be a teacher anymore, but online teaching is not what i want to do. I hate online learning, i thrive in personal connection. Plus im certified for k-6. And ive run out of room again so i think ill just call it here.

[talesfromacrip]

more ehh thoughts (recent edition):

w o w

can’t even speak my damn mind anymore in this house I guess without getting the whole, ‘get out then if you don’t like it here. look for a section 8 place and blah, blahhhh’ speech.

the signature speech of my parents when I get on their ‘last nerves’..

all just for speaking my mind. lovely

all bc I said something in regards to something political my dad was talking about. then saying black lives matter after bc it was also apart of the conversation

(which is my opinion)

that word doesn’t sit well in my parents ears.. my dad to be specific apparently.

he then started saying I should just look for somewhere else to go and that if I say that again, something will happen. (not anything violent on me,but make me leave to somewhere else type of happen )

guess my parents (specifically my dad) wants me dead if he wants me to go out and find somewhere else to go. it’s not like, idk, i have a fucking immunocompromised system or anything like that ya know?? also.... during a fucking pandemic as well ?? helllloooo, old man?? i just don’t know anymore sometimes with my parents

caught me off guard a bit and hurt really fucking bad.. like, wow. if that’s how you feel, then let me go which you won’t and won’t admit.

used to it though which is silly to say, but I can’t do anything much about it even if i tried. so, I must deal for now anyway I can.

we settled our differences though which, I’m glad, but I hate that I was the first one to do it. shows how it is in my family at times

-

at least my mom and few friends are on my side. ridiculous to be treated like this for having a fucking opinion.  

doesn’t help either to get teased about it. like I haven’t been most of my life already ya know, shit.

sick of this house sometimes. the people in it, I should say.. sigh

———

———

I feel like I’m not, as ‘feminine’ as a lady should be. adds to my existing body probsss

can’t put makeup on. can’t get my nails done. can’t use bath bombs. can’t use facial creams or certain acne products. can’t buy clothes I’d like to shape my body and whatnot.. it goes onnnn. I would like to do what a lady likes to feel/look her absolute best ya know.

I can’t though. trying?????which doesn’t really go anywhere much tbh

I have an unused makeup palette and lippies going to absolute waste in my drawer.

which, cost me gooood money bc gooood brand. treat myself.

to see it go to waste though,is heartbreaking...

I could be using it now during the pandemic,but I have no one to help me with it. I can’t do it myself with my fucked up arms/hands either so that’s a nope.

my mom won’t help me and I’ve asked. she has more important things to do than make me look like a little clowns spawn.

I have so many ideas and I can’t execute them as I’d like. never can and it hurts. maybe on a drawimg, but having it applied to your face is a much better experience. very relaxing as well,but to take off.. that’s a process

doesn’t help that I’m told I’d look better with it as well, which totally helps my self esteem ya know. "it suits your moon face and covers those acne bits.."

fucking hell.. like, let me be.

guess not though it seems :lllllll

-

I feel gross about my skin.. dry and flaky at times from my medication and bc my body is a lil ass. it’s fucking oily on occasions as well.. ughhh. a whole nightmare, in my opinion

small acne scars,pimples from an imbalanced body in miscellaneous spots and places where they shouldn’t be.. I hate it.

I cannot look at myself without wanting to scream sometimes. I just stare and flip through a plethora of thoughts until I’m sitting there watching myself cry

I can’t buy the right skin products without suffering a break out or some kind of allergic reaction either. that’s how ‘sensitive’ i am.. ughh and people think it’s sooo fucking easy to take care of your skin.

help me out then and do it for me instead of telling me when I’ve said why I couldn’t in the first place..

fucking shit

-

I use to do my nails and paint them different colors almost every other week or so when I was younger. that was when I could move them to a certain extent. now i just can’t much for that. maybe?but I don’t want to risk twisting my wrist again. which, oddly helped a bit, but I’m not risking it

can’t even paint my right hand without leaning into a terrible spine position bc of my curled in fingers. it’s "so easy" though.my big ass it is

so, I just leave them bare nowadays

I have chipped and or broken nails anyway from fidgeting and anxiety. so, that’ll get in the way when they’re colored

sigh

-

bath bombs are the most elegant form of hygienic self care. a bubbly concoction for your skin to dip in.. ughhhh. sounds so relaxing and funnn

can’t sit in a fucking tub though to enjoy it and I don’t have the walk in ones. just a plain walk in shower. every time I see someone post about them, I melt inside. so pretty with the glitter fragments and the colorsss...mm

how I wish I could endure a porcelain tub to soak and forget about the world for a moment.

I can dream, but that still hurts as well.

-

I used to wear slim fitting tops for my stomach bc I was one of the chubby ones ya know.

now, I want to use them more bc my body doesn’t look how I thought it would be at my age. due to medication and lack of movement, just made it worse and it’s not my fault. feels like it is though and I tried. still am and it’s been hard lately with the pandemic. massive buying spells again so, some healthy goods are not available.

apparently though it seems nowadays being ‘thicc’ is in when years before it was absolutely frowned upon.

I got teased for being ‘thicc’ and now I’m somewhat getting praised for it?? kinda weird circus did I buy tickets for? unless I didn’t??

like, what do y’all mean, now it’s in????? stop being such a rude wad of shit and quit playing with people like this.

I don’t know what to accept much anymore and it’s bothers me so damn much

even if you do get praised,you must meet the standards. with some that is, I should say. must be at least some sort of skinny. some sort of, shaped being that I don’t really want to explain bc I feel it’s obvious.

some disabled folks are almost never in this section and when so, seems very fetishized.

hopefully this paints a small picture or whatever size you prefer your canvas to be. I’ve already talked about my body and more like this just gets me upset

———

———

uggh why are people still making stupid party plans, going to crowded places and doing other irresponsible shit... during a fucking pandemic?? It’s literally s o fucking irritating.

these people do not grasp this it seems, but ooooooohhh. gotta go out and risk it for someone who doesn’t even care about my health,others and even themselves.

fucking dumb

-

funny to see them complain about being home and all bc of this. like, how do you think I’ve felt and countless other disabled folks like me? sucks h u h. no freedom to go anywhere for risk of a fucking accident or worse, d e a t h.

it’s easy as hell to stay home and keep yourself occupied but apparently it’s a big ass deal

read, write, draw, cook, c l e a n. go out in your, idk, backyard as your outside relief?? is it really that b a d of a need to go somewhere??

especially when eventually it’ll drain you and you’ll eventually go back h o m e anyway ??t’s ridiculous.

"you should be thankful you can even go out."

yeah, to appointments, groceries, and concerts o n l y.

I don’t have the fucking privilege to go out at my own leisure and when I do, I have to plan like a mf.

it’s not easy. can’t drive. van is always busting on us. parents are my only source of a ride. can’t even generally go out anywhere bc of stupid stairs and all that.

I swear. every time I see a friend, mutual or family put something like that.. irritates me. I wanna comment so bad,but I don’t want to start anymore drama.

maybe soon I will. who fucking knows

———

———

i miss shows and all, but I just don’t as much.

I’m paranoid to think of going to future ones now..

I’ve already missed a majority of concerts my whole childhood and teen years due to my disability.

I don’t want to miss out on my young adult life now that I’m somewhat in a ‘better state’ bc some of y’all don’t want to be cautious and follow rules.

shows are therapeutic for me, but idk anymore now if it’s makimg me like this

disabled folks like myself who enjoy these shows are in so much fucking danger, it’s ridiculous.

we already were anyways with moshing and all.. which I know some act like they don’t know.

y’all are so desperate to go like, what about the other fandom folks who can’t even attend these shows though?? sad

these lives performances some artists have been doing are perfect and we need to support them more with this format. encourage the fuck out of them like the do to us with their music and whatnot.

I was so fucking thankful DGD did one.

it was a great time, but not so great when everyone is like, but what about an ‘actual show’?

it’s just, never enough with some of the fans I swear. irritating

yeahhh ,lets risk the fuckin band/bands getting sick so they can play for us. yasssss. shows how much they read up on the members and care about their health/wellbeing.

———

———

being sober brings back a lot of suppressed memories. nights are bit hard when going through this

makes me remember quite a bit of conversations that others have probably or most likely have forgotten by now as well

irritating and sad. that’s how I get some of my dreams as well which cause lack of sleep at timessss y a y

———

———

I, over share too much at times it seems.. how the hell do people want to know me though????

if I’m making the situation, odd or whatever, fucking tell me instead of ignoring it and trying to move on with some stupid shit

if I can fucking sit through y’alls oversharing.. can with fucking mine

———

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do and say..

I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. this is wearing me out I swear to fucking god

I put some of my eggs in the wrong basket.. again

ohhh fucking boooyyy

least it’s a good basket..

———

sometimes I feel so uneducated when taking with friends. my mind is like a fucking mad libs book on new game plus.

it’s blanks out and replaces important vocabulary with some silly childish shit instead

[muzeez]

13th May 2020

Wednesday

15:30

Just met Rasbach round the corner, so he could give me my cheque. I hadn't realised how cold it was going to be, otherwise I would have put something thicker on or put my jacket on. It was absolutely freezing. We chatted for a little while on the pavement on Gledren road across from Valley road. I was conscious of being on the pavement and there would be eventually people who might want to pass. Don't want to give anybody the excuse that they're looking for, you know, to attack or have a go.

I was already kind of on edge because on my way round here some guy had rushed out of the drive where he was chatting to someone, to close his boot, as I went passed, as if to say he thought that I was going to go and nick from his boot. Or he just wanted to make me feel 'way'..... as bastards do.

I was trying to find the feed relating to the death of Rasbach's friend and I couldn't find it. Rasbach said that I should have mentioned him on the feed. Well, that had actually crossed my mind but I didn't want to feel like I was crossing the line or stepping on someone else's toes. I know Hansel can be a prick and suddenly start thinking 'I'm his son, why didn't I think of that, it should have been me on that feed mentioning my Dad, Muzeez got in their first, the Bastard, trying to steal my Dad away.'

No, actually, Hansel, I am a great friend of Rasbach's and I feel close enough to him that I can do that for him on his behalf. So FuckOff Hansel. Don't try to make out I'm doing it for other reasons. If it doesn't cross your mind to do things like that then that is your problem, not mine.

There were one or two things that slightly irritated me with Rasbach, as usual. Things that I'm not sure should niddle me but they do. Like when I was leaning up against the wall and Rasbach made a comment, "oh Mathilda would tell you straight, to get your hand off the wall." I took my hand off the wall but I was irritated because I know if I was adament enough Rasbach would be straight in my flat with my cock down his throat. Yet, here he is trying to make out he's holier than thou, using his wife as a guise. Mathilda is so perfect. It's not the first time he's done something similar.

What else did he do or say? I was absolutely freezing stood talking to Rasbach. First of all, we were in the middle of the pavement on Gledren road and I had suggested before that we meet in the park and he'd laughed and said, "what? In some bushes?" But it would have been better than stood here like this.

"Oh I'm not bothering me" Rasbach laughed. "I'm just relaxed... I'm a relaxed person."

It irritates to fuck when he starts talking like this. Like he's suggesting that he's a better person than me. He's more chilled out about things.

'Yeah, until somebody's doing something to encroach on you' I thought to myself. If I'm stood in the middle of the path and people walking along the path get annoyed because we're making it awkward for them to walk passed without maintaining social distancing, then they (in my mind) would be well within their rights to get annoyed. I don't want to be in a position where somebody else is in the right and I'm in the wrong. Thank you very much. While me and Rasbach were talking in that spot, I could here that silly bitch who screamed abuse at me one Tuesday evening. Obviously, she had a problem because I could hear her now.

I kept feeling that resistance from Rasbach, you know, like he was getting annoyed whenever I spoke and he was trying his normal tricks of speaking right on over me. Then we moved across the road where his car was parked and stood there for a while.

A familiar gentleman walked by us twice, obviously on a walk but I didn't like the way he was looking at me and I didn't like the way he swung his walking stick. Challengingly, in my opinion but what would he have done if I'd have run over and wrapped the stick round his neck.

Then Vanity and Evian walked passed, back from wherever it is they'd gone I noticed Vanity was one of the people that liked to wear their mask round their neck like a necklace and I wondered if it was her who'd discarded used ones on the floor outside Henrietta's window.?? Vanity flashed us her t-shirt that said, "we're all in this together".

Rasbach gave me a cheque for 2 weeks pay. What I can't understand is why they can't pay me straight into my bank. Rasbach said something about online banking being so difficult and I'm like, "well, I'm managing it, just doing it on my mobile phone." What's difficult?

Now, I have to trail down to the bank again. Queue for how long, with the social distancing rules, everyone looking at eachother like they've got Aids, that bitch who works there, and was manning the door last time I went down. Her, being a bitch with ones she doesn't take to and being lovely to the ones she does. Great Rasbach.

Not only that he makes out he doesn't like passing things over in the street but I believe he does. He knows that certain people looking on will put two and two together and hate on ME for that. "oh isn't that lad lucky,... Having a boss he makes sure he's got money and not having to work for it. Vanity and Evian saw us the last time Rasbach came to give me money. They'll know or have an idea who Rasbach is. I'm not saying that everyone thinks the same but alot do. The majority do. I'm not a business person but I have managed to set up my banking online and since the lockdown began in March it has been very useful. I've been able to pay ALL my bills online (except electric), just eases the pressure of being in the shop juggling with the cashier and other customers being impatient. Last thing I want, in the middle of a pandemic where everyone is paranoid, social distancing, limiting interaction with people. I've been able to look at my money in a different and more clearer way, rather than having aload of notes and coins strewn across the kitchen unit and I've even started saving. I was telling Kathleen about that and her response, "Oh well I can save anyway. I don't need that." Here we go, I'm stronger, I'm better, I'm more powerful than everyone.

Oh and I brought up the phonecall on Monday dinnertime. He passed me over to Mathilda and as I started speaking to her, "Right I'll pass ya back to Rasbach."

"Oh okay," I was stunned. Maybe I should have asked about her cat. That might have kept her interested a little longer than 5 seconds.

When I was on video call with Hansel on Monday morning I noticed he held the phone from below and very rarely looked at me. Occasionally he did but he focused on looking ahead. Making out he's looking for a box of gloves but I could tell he wasn't even looking properly anyway.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #313

“i’m your turbo lover  /  tell me there’s no other”

Where are you located at this moment? In my bed. What if you found out your ex was having a child with someone else? If it was Sara, I'm finding out who the fuck I'm flying up there to punch his face in. If it was Jason, I'd either faint or be in the bathroom vomiting. Or both. I can almost promise you at least one or the other while I have an absolute emotional breakdown. I'm not at the point in my recovery where I can hear that and be entirely okay. I'd be happy for any of the others. At what age do you think you'll be ready to have children? Never. When was the last time you couldn't stop laughing? Why? I don't recall. Which of your friends do your parents get along best with? I guess Girt, since he's known my mom the longest of the friends I still have. I don't know about Dad; he barely knows any of my friends seeing as I don't live with him and see him rarely. Is there anyone in your friendship group that your parents don't like? No. Can you recall the last time you were extremely disappointed? I surprisingly can't remember, even though I know it was recent. Who was the last person to un-friend you on Facebook? I don't know, it's not like I go hunting people down if I notice the number has dropped, lol. Do you know why he/she decided to un-friend you? I'm certain it would've been something political. Are there any food wrappings, boxes, containers etc. in your room? No. Do you know anyone who does have cancer? I don't think anyone who currently has it, no. I may know someone via association, but idk. What is the worst medicine you've ever taken? There are two that very strongly stand out: the first one was in middle school, and the second sometime last year. I was put on an antidepressant that made me absolutely love life in the morning, like I would practically prance through school, but come afternoon, I was a fucking demon. Mom took me off that shit so fast. Most recently, my birth control was changed to have more estrogen for some reason I can't recall (maybe it had to do with mood?? idk), and it made me... I'm just gonna say I was a ~mess~. I slammed on breaks with it so fuckin fast. Safe to say I returned to my normal pill. Has your house or where you stayed ever flooded? My childhood home came very close during Hurricane Floyd. Thankfully the water never got actually inside the house, but it was an absolute lake outside. What was the last event or special occasion you participated in? My niece's birthday was actually a couple days ago, so we celebrated at my sister's house. What do you find yourself reminiscing about the most? I'll give you one guess. Do you have a favorite pianist? No. Song you listened to last is...? I have "Turbo Lover" by Judas Priest on right now. What's the last type of cookie you ate? Uhhh I would assume chocolate chip. Do you have your own computer? I have my own laptop, and I'm possibly getting an actual computer come May?? One of my WoW friends knows the hell I've been through with this laptop, and she and her husband are getting new computers then, so she's basically pushed her husband's old one on me, lol. Apparently it works just fine, he just wants something better. I've told her again and again to make some money off of it, but she's pretty much giving me no choice lmao. I appreciate it a whole lot, though. It'd be pretty nice to separate games onto an actual, capable desktop versus making my laptop sound like it's screaming for God's mercy if I boot something up. Describe your computer chair? I don't have one. Well, there's an old one in the extra room I'm going to end up using, but all I know is it's black. I've never paid closer attention to it. Do you sleep with your door open or closed? Open. I feel too isolated with it closed. Are you going to keep your last name when you get married? God no, it's very unlikely. I hate my last name, take it away. Does it bother you when people beg? Why are they begging, and how insistently? It depends. Do you have any weird rings? I have two, but neither I consider weird, at least. Well, I suppose the one with "bitch" carved on the inside would confuse non-Supernatural fans, haha. Are you anything like your siblings? Not really, no. At least, my two immediate sisters. Mom says I'm extremely similar to her eldest daughter though and wishes we'd talk more, but yeah, I just don't have anything to talk about with her. I'm so bad at initiating conversation. When was the last time you shaved your legs? October for when I was doing that witchy photoshoot with a friend. I absolutely hate shaving my legs and pretty much only do if anyone else whose opinion would affect me may see them. What would be the best surprise you could receive right now? Uhhh I guess all the "upgrades" I want to make to Venus' enclosure: a 40g tank and a nice, accurate hygrometer and thermometer, as well as the proper kind of lamp for her. I feel like such a "bad snake mom" still having her in her current terrarium because, while it's perfectly liveable and not dangerous, it's too small for her. It's pretty much always on my mind to some degree nowadays, so just like, dropping the terrarium and extra tools off would be a massive weight off my shoulders. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No, but I was able to skip the intro Writing course the last time I was in college; I just started in Writing II. Who took your profile pic? Anywhere where it's a picture of myself, odds are me. I hate getting pictures taken, but if it's gonna happen, it'll be through myself, knowing my "good" angle and such, lol. Have you ever been fishing? Do you know anyone who likes fishing as a hobby? I've been fishing many times, especially as a kid with my dad. There are pleeeenty of people I know who enjoy it. I don't anymore. Do you own any cats? What color are their eyes? Yes; his are a light blue. Is there a rose bush in your garden? What color are its roses? We don't have a garden. When was the last time you spent over $100 in one transaction? What did you buy? Over $100 with my own cash, a plane ticket. My recent tattoo deposit was exactly a hundred. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Would you judge a grown adult for doing so? No; Roman would NEVER allow me to cuddle anything else, and I am not even remotely kidding. I couldn't care less if any adult does, though. Would you rather read an erotic novel or watch an erotic film? Ew, neither, but I guess a book would be better just so my eyes weren't forever scarred. What’s your favorite way to make your home smell good? Do you spend a lot of money on making this happen? INCENSE!!!! God, I love incense burners. I don't light it anymore though because Venus' terrarium is also in my room, and it's not good for snakes. What are the main two colors in the room you’re currently in? Did you pick these colors out yourself? Just... white. That's it. Well, my furniture is brown. I didn't pick either. How often do you wake up in the night needing to pee? Usually once, sometimes not at all anymore. I guess my bladder actually grew a pair. If you live in a household with pets, who is responsible for their care - both in terms of finance and the physical tasks involved? As far as the physical care, me. Mom does help me do a full clean of Venus' cage sometimes, though, because I don't trust myself to both keep her around my neck while I scrub the tank, hide, bowl, etc., with a cat that is my absolute shadow. I don't want to be bent over the tub and Roman tries to do something; he's shown very little interest in Venus, but still, I'm one hell of a paranoid snake mom that doesn't want to risk her life. Full cleans only happen like twice a year, so I don't mind too much asking my mother for some help. I should point out that Mom doesn't want to hold her, so we can't reverse roles. Do you have anything hanging from your ceiling apart from lights? Not anymore, no. At my old house and the one before, I had lots of Pyramid Head gift tags hanging, but our landlord doesn't want me to do that here. Would you describe yourself as neat, messy or somewhere in-between? I'm in-between. If you have pets, when was the last time one of them needed to go the vets? Venus had to go to the vet about a year into me having her because she was showing symptoms of an RI in strange breathing episodes, which can be fatal to a snake. Thank God, nature, whatever, that she didn't. There were warning signs, but closer watch over her humidity saved her. Roman, meanwhile, was taken to the vet like a year ago to be neutered. When the pandemic is over, what is one thing you can’t wait to do again? I barely ever left the house beforehand, so... I guess go to the movies. What’s one thing (aside from essentials) that you spend the most money on each month? Has anyone ever told you you’re obsessed or addicted with it? N/A What’s your favourite genre of TV show to watch? What’s your favourite show that’s not from that genre? If I had to pick, uhhh... yeah, idk, due to the whole "not into TV much to begin with" thing. Would you rather be employed or self-employed? Why? Self-employed, though taking care of all business matters yourself is/would suck. I just really want to be my own boss for the sake of photographing whatever I want. IIs your hair naturally curly, straight or somewhere in between? Do you wish it was different? It's straight, but on the wavy side, and I wish it wasn't. Do you ever play online games with your friends? Which one(s)? Just WoW. In the last week, have you had any alcoholic beverages? Which? No. Do you ever wear accessories in your hair? Which ones? No. Do you feel free to post your views on social media? Yep. I honestly don't care who it pisses off. What is your favorite work of historical fiction? Well, I don't really know what you consider truly "historical" in age... That, and I'm bad at dates to begin with. There are lots and lots of older books and movies I adore, though. Old Yeller is one of my favorite books ever, for one. The Boy In The Striped Pajamas makes me sob, too. What cartoon character looks like you? I remember when Hotel Transylvania came out, my ex's mob pointed out how much she thought I looked like the daughter, especially when my hair was dyed black. Do you have hope for the future? Some days I do, some days I don't. Do you believe in yourself? Ehhhh... debatable, idk. Do you have trouble letting go of your past? Oh yes. Were you happy in high school? It's funny, I was very depressed in HS, but due to Jason and friends, it's one of my most cherished time periods. Were you ever a teacher's favorite? I mean it modestly, but I was almost always pretty obviously one of the teachers' favorites. I was a good student. Are you popular? I wasn't. If you won a title in the senior class polls, what was it? I didn't. Have you ever had a medical condition that made you unable to work? My social anxiety is so debilitating that it's made it questionable. It ruined my very short-lived previous jobs. What makes your life worth living? My future goals, family, friends... What is your favorite Bible verse? I don't have one. List five careers you've considered. Paleontologist, vet, game designer, author, and wildlife biologist are all past ones. Do you have any unusual talents? If so, what? No. What do you get compliments on? My hair and my art, mostly. What have people told you you should be? I've heard "a vet" most in my life. What is holding you back? My (mostly social) anxiety and extreme fear of judgment. Do you have anyone purely evil in your life? Hell no, I wouldn't allow that person to stay in my life. Have you ever felt threatened for your life? I've felt scared for it, yes. While riding my bike once, I ran into a guy in my old neighborhood who had a criminal history, including assault, just asking what I was listening to on my iPod. I stopped because I was scared to keep going, and he wound up asking for my Facebook, but guess who didn't accept THAT friend request. List ten positive words that describe you. That's too much thinking, man. List ten negative words that [you feel] describe you. And that's too much negativity to fish in. Are you a good person or a bad person? I mean, I try to be a good one. Have you ever contemplated being a bad person? I've done bad things, but I've certainly never deliberated tried to be an overall bad person. Have you ever resorted to vandalism because you didn't have a voice? No. Have you ever egged someone's house? Wow, no. Do you want to egg someone's house? Also no because I'm a fucking adult. Have you ever seen a piece of graffiti that you are thankful for? What an odd question. I mean, no? Name three people who hurt you and didn't care. I am quite positive Colleen doesn't care about the many times she did considering she's always right. Was your first crush sexual, or no? No, I was just a kid. What would you do if you got pregnant right now? I honestly can't say I know. If I was God forbid raped, I'd probably have an abortion because I psychologically could not handle that without being scarred for life. If it was by my own stupidity, I feel I'd probably have the baby but give it up for adoption. I just can't raise a kid. Do you have a medical condition that you are embarrassed or ashamed to tell people you have? No, I don't think so. What do you get asked the most? Hm. OH, WAIT, THAT'S EASY. I get asked a lot if my lip piercing hurt. Have you ever stood up for someone else who was being bullied? I know I have before, but I don't remember the occasion. What tragic news stories that you've heard has touched you the most? Man, that's a lot to think about. You see news articles on Facebook all the time, and a whole lot of them touch me, so I dunno. What is your favorite thing to order at Taco Bell? I like the cheese quesadillas, and whatever those cinnamon bites are called are really good. I'm still tilted they got rid of the fiesta potatoes, because I adored those. Where do you have cutting scars (if you have any)? I only ever had them on my wrist, but you can't see them anymore. Do you like cotton candy? Not very, but I mean, I can have a bite or two. It's way too sweet to eat a lot of it. What's the best piece of graffiti you've ever seen? I'm unsure, but I've definitely seen beautiful work, especially online. Do you like tattoos? "Like" is a colossal understatement. Do you like piercings? Yep yep yep. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No. Those are not people I hang around with. Who is the last person you slow-danced with? Slow-danced? I don't think I've done that since Jason.

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 032920

29 March, 2020

Dear Dad--

Another week of pandemic, come and gone. I spent the week attempting to go nowhere and interact with no one, and failed. Social distancing is one thing, and I recognize its importance, but it hasn’t seemed to put a dent in our need for the occasional cheeseburger. So we stay indoors and do the responsible thing, and that lasts about 48 hours, and then someone says, “Okay, fuggit, I want some Wendy’s,” and off we go! I think if the worst-case pandemic scenario plays out, it’s going to be because of intelligent, well-informed people, like Zach and me, who couldn’t resist the smell of french fries. Then again, the news says you don’t have to be afraid to order takeout or go to the store, you just have to be careful about contact and distance and try not to touch your face.

I saw in your email that you’re applying for an Oklahoma marijuana card, is that right? Huzzah! If that’s the case, isn’t it fortunate that you have a relative who’s knowledgeable on the subject! As usual, I have to preface this by saying: Turns out I like the stuff, but everyone experiences it differently, and there’s a lot of pot-related hype and bullshit and snake oil (not to mention a lot of plain ol’ bad feelings about it) out there. I don’t think I mentioned this to you specifically, but not long after we moved here, since Maine has legal medical marijuana, I checked to see if I qualified to get a Maine marijuana card myself. And while I think the primary qualification is the one where they say, “That’ll be $60, please,” you do have to speak with a medical professional at some point and let them know what you think the stuff is going to help you with, medically. 

I looked into it. My thinking was simply, I like the stuff, and Maine seems to think it qualifies as medicine, so if Maine thinks I might benefit from it, I can actually do it in a way that’s entirely within the law. And, HELLO, that’s always been the biggest drawback: knowing that, any time I buy some, I’m risking a traffic stop, and having my life irrevocably fucked up by the law. Doing it legally means that you can do it without fear of jail, or that you’ll get something that isn’t what the dealer says it is, or that you’ll get ripped off and have no recourse. Now it’s just...like buying alcohol. 

Anyway, I checked to see if I qualified for a Maine marijuana card, and--prepare yourself for an enormous surprise--I do! I applied, and actually got a video call from a nurse practitioner on my cell phone. She asked about what kind of medical stuff I’m dealing with, and I mentioned depression, and pain I experience every day from my excitingly dysfunctional ankles, and that I sometimes can’t fall asleep. She asked what I was doing to treat those things, and I told her all the stuff I’ve done to address those problems, some of which persist, regardless. She granted my request for a marijuana card!

So now, whenever I want, I can drive to Green Alien Cannabis, which is right next to the Best Buy in Bangor, and used to be a Pizza Hut, and get a half ounce of “Afghani Thin Mint Purple Nurple Tooty Frooty Kush” variety, or whatever, and they’ll have suggestions on what different strain is best for what kind of symptoms. On that note, and I beg your pardon if you already knew this, but a brief primer: Marijuana has two “flavors,” if you will, and they act a bit differently. There’s sativa, which gives you energy and creativity and makes you want to paint paintings, and there’s indica, which makes you so relaxed that you melt into the sofa, and helps fall asleep. That second one, indica, is what I’d recommend. It’s gentler and more relaxing. And the places that sell the stuff will be able to tell you if you’re getting a sleepy indica or an energetic sativa, or a hybrid with both, and in what percentages. Another disclaimer: pot is bad for you! Anything you set on fire and inhale is bad for you. It’s not a magical panacea, and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. 

I don’t remember much about your experience with pot, except Mom saying it made you paranoid and y’all had to walk around the block to calm you down. Also Stacy and I found a black bong one time (this would have been in the late 70s, I’m thinking?) only we had no idea what it was. For what it’s worth, when it’s legal, your brain tends not to spend too much time worrying about the police showing up and spoiling your evening.

I suppose I have at least a few non-weed-related things I could update you on! My job is supposed to start a week from Monday, but that seems unlikely with the coronavirus still making life interesting. I’ll call them; we’ll figure it out. 

In anticipation of adopting the neighbor’s black stray cat, we’re trying to convince the cat that we’re friendly, and that human touch is a good thing, but she’s very flighty. At this rate, it’s going to take 600 years. I think we need a new strategy.

Our local grocery store has installed clear plastic shields in front of the checkers! It’s just a single big flat piece of clear plastic right in front of each checker, like a sneeze guard at a salad bar. 

You’ll be getting $2,400 from the government in the next few weeks. I suggest you blow it all on weed and porn and MAGA hats! I’ll probably throw most of my corona-bucks onto my credit card, to help get that balance down. 

I took an online test to find what kind of alcohol I am! According to the test, I’m tequila: wild, unpredictable, loud, and energetic. Truly, the wisdom of the internet is not to be scoffed at.

Someone left most of a pizza on the ground near the front of our trailer, and I took many photographs of seagulls eating it, including one pic of a crow showing up and stealing some pizza. 

I’ll be happy when the quarantine is no longer necessary, but for now, we have everything we need, and plenty of stuff to keep us busy. Hope things are looking up for you two. All my love to you both, and wash those hands! :)