#at least tonight i work with ppl that do their fucking job and that aren’t assholes

[complainswithouttheladdeafterm]

so like one, it’s like i’m spiritual smarter when i’m high. i’m one with the earth and all that. sorry my left hand fell asleep from me laying on it so it’s lowkey hard to type right now.

anyway, i just wrote a little message on something about signs to look out for when you’re talking to a guy who is stringing you along. i forgot them already.

i didn’t even want to talk about that. i wanted to talk

about and complain about work. as does everyone but i am not everyone. i am something better.

1. why tf do we have to WORK. i kid you not if i had to choose between work or death i would not be typing this. i would be dead.

it’s not actually working that makes me upset. it’s being outside the house around people.

“oh remote jobs exist” yeah but i don’t like talking to people. so i have to stay at this package handler job where i don’t do anything but load packages. it gets annoying and the hours aren’t consistent but at least i don’t have to talk to angry customers.

WE ALL KNOW that’s why people have started quitting customer service jobs. the customers. WAIT i need to complain about MY JOB.

back to my job. i was unloading packages on saturday. i’m doing 1000 an hour. YES I KNOW SO MANY. fedex is very popular tho. so as i’m unloading all these heavy ass boxes of furniture PEOPLE IRDER TO BE DELIVERED. onto the ic belt, i got ppl telling me “make sure you flip them so the barcode can be easily scanned” i got boxes being pushed into my side from impatient coworkers. bruises all along my thighs and sides. i have sweat going onto my glasses into my eye because there aren’t any fans in this hot ass factory and it’s fucking 80 degrees AT 2am AND YOU FHINK I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT A BARCODE BEING EASILY SCANNED FOR SOMEONE WHOSE ONLY JOB IS TO PLACE A STICKER ON A BOX! NO! my face is red n puffy. i got fucking managers asking me if i’m okay BITCH IM HOT. NO IM NOT OKAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.

How about installing fans above unload IC belts and not just Load and maybe try asking me that again. until then leave me alone to suffer in hell.

that night pissed me off. i had sunday off and i go back tonight to work in load then im off for two days.

[queencryo]

I’m gonna liveblog my ccapstone final presentation and you’re all going to have to deal with it ^_^

ASPODFIASPODFIAPOSDFIAPOIVZJX PROF IS DOING A DESCRIPTION OF THE TEAMS WE ALL INHERITED FROM

THE ONLY GOOD THING SHE HAS TO SAY ABOUT THE ONE WE INHERITED IS THAT THEY WERE REALLY PERSERVERING. I’M LOVING THIS. THEY TRIED SO HARD BUT GODDAMN.

liHoly shit the glove group’s demo looks SO much better than their previous one. Full swag! full swag! And putting up a dude with TWO future tech cool gloves is always a huge coolthing to do during your presentation you know? That slaps hard.

Hope our presentation goes well, really badly hope it does... Man I hope they don’t shit on our putting so much time into internal testing for the presentation? That testing is what saved our project (ie: what made our prof finally start being on our side on things)

Holy shit I forgot that the glove group fucking. used pressure-to-conductance sensors then did tests with a cooking scale to convert their voltages to gram-force (which is what “hand specialists” use I guess????)

I’m fucking gargling, glove team had a team member in thailand so they did a lot of work at 830 PM or 830 AM. (*Ignores that we did a huge amount of work between the hours of 9PM and 6AM*). oh my GOD the guy in austin just.. left his computer on and the thailand one teamviewer’d into his PC to program stuff...

THEY FRIED AN ARDUINO. AND HAD TO SAW THROUGH IT BECAUSE UNSOLDERING WAS TOO HARD. ***AND THEY ACTUALLY PUT THIS INTO THEIR FUCKING PRESENTATION***. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I FRIED A RASPBERRY PI BUT YOU DON’T SEE ME PUTTING THAT SHIT INTO OUR PRESENTATION

also dude y’all know the budget of $200 was what the university would give us right? you know you were supposed to get under $50 for the project itself right? right?

Glove group is getting some hard questions. Not insurmountable, but not easy. Hopefully I can figure out anything they ask!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA also i am out of adderall so we’ll SEE how this goes :)

Next up is uhhhh I think one of the survivor guys? The phone guys? I’m tryna be p vague but yeah

holy SHIT survivor guy demo was. so bad. so bad. the audio sounded terrible, the splitscreen videos weren’t synced up quite right. oh my god. I don’t want to be mean but I’m just. literally I was cringing. jeez. Bad audio.

The rest of the presentation isn’t as bad, except that oh dude I can see part of your windows background? and your taskbar? AND YOUR TASKBAR IN A COUPLE OF FRAMES ELSEWHERE???? it just. this doesn’t feel like they put effort into it.

They do all look crisp with their white button-ups though. our team decided on black t-shirts, because we’re all fools.

WHY IS YOUR ENTIRE PRESENTATION NOT FULLSCREEN. DUDE DID YOU ONLY DO ONE TAKE ON THIS SHIT?

I feel like their presentation genuinely looks worse than their prafctice presentation. jesus. FULL SECOND BLANK BLACK SCREEN DURING SECTION TRANSITION

im bored so im now zoning out and talking to my friends on pisscord~

I’m also... unmedicated lol. im ouuttttttttt

oh! I asked some porn lady on twitter where she gets her hormones since I’m about to graduate out of access to the uni clinic i get em from now, so imma look into that at some point :) some kinda. anime-themed hrt distribution thing.

Which is weird but hey. I figure... if they’re putting effort into theming, they probably aren’t putting out cocaine-laced trash ya know?

THIS MOTHERFUCKER GETTING DISCORD NOTIFICATIONS WHILE THEY’RE ANSWERING INDUSTRY PROFESSIONAL QUESTIONS

literally chatting with my friends and manically laughing in hte moments up to my final presentation. this is just like my high school graduation.

Alright we’re UP babes. my video is ON and our recorded presentation is UP on my teammate’s (and perhaps... *friend’s*............) sccreen (that was a joke) (but yeah the presentation is up we’ere just waiting to GO baby!)

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Aaaand muting our presentation during the parts I talked in... I like her fine I just don’t want to listen to her...

The industry guys look perplexed but idk if th oh GOD why is the video stuttering... I hope that’s on my side not on anyone else’s...

aaaaaaaa I hope they don’t ask us anything TOO hard. they’re probably going to ask why we used the sensor we did, but beyond that I really have no idea.

okay im paying attention again. I think our presentation is a LITTLE on the sexual side. I can’t be sure but... :smirk: Wish I had a friend who talked as much as me. Ah man you know what I miss? Watching movies with Al or Morgan. never hung w ppl who talked during movie theatres as much as them and me :) It was really good times!

God our mobile application UI is OS fucking sexy. holy fucking shit. God our guy on that did such an amazing job. There’s even animations when things are happening? It’s SOOOO good.

Now is the internal testing section of the presentation. Kinda show off that “hey mang our sensor just sucks DICK.” it’s super narrow and it HATES detecting black things. ... holy fuk I hope the choppy video is on myyyy siiiiiide... .. eh, I guess chopy video is kind of survivable. Not exactly our fault or something we could possibly predict, you know?

DISCORD

THIS IS A TRASHBIN FOR ALL MY WORDS SO THAT I DON’T TALK OR SAY SOMETHING STUPID WHERE IMPORTANT PEOPLE COULD SEE IT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

at least the audio isn’t usually choppy during the parts of the presentation that aren’t videos? so that’s awesome :)

We did solve the problem of our faces getting in the way of the presentation

NOOOOOOO MY NAME ISN’T MARROW NOOOOOOOOOOO

ASDFASODPFAISPDFOI SHOWIN OFF THE PREVIOUS TEAM’S SHIT. PUTTING THEM ON FUCKING BLAST. FUCK Y’ALL. tho i did have the realization last night. you know what... if I passed with that shit I put in for 462, you know what... they can pass with what they did for this course. neither was good. <_<

ah fuck I’m talking again I gotta mute THAT SHIT (if it’s not clear, we pre-recorded our presentations and are now just... showing that, in da meeting).

hell yeah man hell yeah man

I think if they ask about our sensor choice I’ll say we got a $20 sensor beccause we had a budget of $50 for the final system. which. we SHOULD’VE then said “ohka ylet’s not use LiDAR.” but we didn’t, so here we are! I... think maybe part of this is my fault. Maybe a pair of microwave sensors was the way to go after all.

OH FUCK THE PRESENTATION IS OVER TIME FOR QUESTIONS.

They asked about the environmental concerns, and why we mentioned 3-d printing for the chassis when we didn’t actually do any such printing. both directed to me. we didn’t do any enviro conerns, and we didn’t end up 3-d printing because we couldn’t get it working so we just went with wood the whole way through.

Of course, we have a question about messaging between cones, because hey i mean that’s the most interesting part of our project, from a design standpoint. it is. it is. it is.

AY THEY SHOUTED OUT OUR ZOOM BACKGROUND FUCK YESSS

AY WHOOP AY WHOOP AY WHOOP THEY DIDN'T ASK SHIT ABOUT OUR PRESENTATION (i ASSUME BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUCKING FLAWLESS AND AMAZING THAT THEY HAD NO QUESTIONS AT FUCKING ALL BABY) 

THEY LITERALLY ASKED 4 QUESTIONS, ABOUT ENVIRO CONCERNS, CHASSIS, MESSAGING, AND SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DATABASE

GOD THIS IS SO GOOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

goddamn. survivor guy group 2 is going SO MUCH BETTER than the last one. opened on a description of the project, with the arm slowly opening to reveal their little screen with a heart on it... that’s SO good bro.

This presentation is so much better than the last one. Oh my god this is so good bro. Y’all did so awesome. I’m in lvoe with you. LOVE THIS SHIT

lmao oh yeah our CPM critical path went from 30 days to like 79 days. partially cuz 30 of our days were spent waiting for parts...

SURVIVOR GUY SHOWING OFF THEIR ABILITY TO PLAY VIDEO WITH A CLIP FROM THE OFFICE. DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH THEM (I DONT LIKE THE OFFIE BUT THAT’S WAY MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE OTHER SURVIVOR GUY TEAM’S EXAMPLE OF THE SCHOOL FIGHT SONG YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

really really great presentation. I went into their pisscord and made sure to tell zem i loved their presentation.

AW DUDE I LOVE MY SISTER SO MUCH. NOT RELATED. JUST LOOKING AT MY DMS AND SAW HER NAME.

I don’t really care about group 5. i just don’t care! I’m. my part is done. I’m free, mostly. I’m god now....

yeah i haven’t paid attention to much on group five. just can’t be assed!

bluh i have a shitton of history homework due tonight... gotta do an interview and like 5 fuckin writing assessments. Really dropped every ball available ya know?

PROF SAID “THIS IS THE BEST I’VE EVER SEEN GROUPS DO” IDK IF THAT’S TRUE BUT HELLLLLLLLLL YEAH I FEEL FANTASTIC

Prof says yall did great, woulda done great under normal circumstances and that you did so good under these is amazing.

:)

Something about making an abstract or something...? Student research week or something.

goddamn. finality. we did it folks. holy sh8it. last meeting ofthis class. kind of... the last meeting of my college career, if everything goes as planned? so that’s. weird.

hhhh okay i can’t let Finality Anxiety get to me I still have shit to do. don’t let it set in!!!!!!!!!

[szopenhauer]

Can you talk on the phone while having the tv/radio on? not really ^^”

Describe your teeth: ugh...

Whats the longest youve lived without electricity? days, maybe weeks, no longer than 2

Name all the types/brands of cigarettes you have tried: RGD blue

What is one thing you stand strongly for? hmm... I’m weak

If you could be the owner of one site what would it be? old polyvore :(  I’d keep it 

What does your doormat say? sadly nothing

What is something you always have in your fridge? light lol

What age can you not wait for? I’m not looking forward to growing older wtf

Name all the drugs you’d never do: I don’t plan to try any illegal substances nor even cigarettes or alcohol

What is the most alcohol you’ve drank in a night? half a mug of absynth while I was on meds that I shouldn’t mix with it :x

What street sign do you find totally pointless? round ones have no points lmfao *dry humor

Do you like water? but drink or what?

Would you ever be a zoo keeper? maybe Do you like the name Mia? it reminds me of Mamma mia and I disliked this movie as I’m not fan of musicals so...  Do you have pictures in your room of your friends and you? just parents and dog, not even grandma’s anymore Would you like to live in Canada? no Do you want to be a mouse? dunno When was the last time you had a date? recently Are you in a poke war on Facebook? it reminds me of Sebastian :x Aren’t penguins cute?  they’re fine Would you rather have your friends at your house or you at theirs? have friends over is cool if not my mother and mess (and covid now too of course) as going out is a struggle  True or false: Life is unfair. sigh... Do you have curtains in your living room? What do they look like? we do, they’re like golden/yellowish/beige 

Are you a fan of Star Wars? huge

Do you hate when people don’t capitilize the beginning of the sentence? I do it all the time True or False: Justin Bieber is gay. he’s married to a female, he was dating a gal before too, it’s unlikely

Are you worried about how much paper and water we use? mhm

Did you ever take a computer class in school? we all had to Would you like to sit around and do nothing all day? mmm :3

Mini skirts, jeans or both? neither Are you good at come backs? better than when I was a kid fo sho! When’s the last time you watched the news? I don’t even remember Do you really think that the number 13 is unlucky? it’s my dad’s lucky number  Personality or looks? personality is 90% + I don’t count sex - just women exclusively Do you ever dance around your room when your by yourself? at times Do you hate the cold? very, brrr How long can you hold your breath for? about a minute? What’s something you seem to run out of often? ... Do you think that there really is someone out there for all of us? not for every human being  Do you think Cookie Monster is cute? it’s alright Do you ever wish you were a bird? yes Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? I fight a lot of ppl in my dreams Do you ever wish on your eye lashes? I believe they’re sent by those who think about you instead Do you ever make up stories in your head and wish they come true? some of them only Do you look at people in the eyes when you talk to them? usually not when I talk which makes them think I’m lying, I prefer to look them in the eye when I listen  Which is worse: stuffy nose or runny nose? runny nose is worse  Do you think it would be cool to be part of the royal family? it would be easier in some ways, harder in others, guess it could be worthy after all? Do you have to wear a belt with your pants? I don’t own/wear any Do you think your last relationship was a disaster? I’m taken rn True or False : You were born in March false Do you wear hats in the winter? I do, it’s cold

Are you looking forward to the new year? sorta Are you afraid that one day you may get cancer? I know I will Which is worse : Dentist or doctor? doctor

Do you hate when the radio overplays a song? that’s one of the reasons I don’t listen to the radio What’s your least favorite thing that begins with the letter C? chronic illnesses? Do you wish you could walk on water? how would I take a bath then? Which is your favorite symbol : ! @ $ % ^ & * ( ) ? ? Do you like your legs? they’re not the worst Would you rather visit London or Paris? London Twilight or Harry Potter? HP if I have to choose any Do you have a big nose? I heard I do, they were calling me NOSE in middle school Can you rap? nah Do you like the number 4? meh What color is your bike? my push scooter is green ;) Have you ever tried to count the stars? I don’t think so Are you not over someone? apparently as we’re dating 

Have you kissed someone today? not today Have you taken a painkiller today? nope Have you had a nap today? neither If you’re currently in a relationship - do you think it will last? I’m afraid not ;(  *covid, my issues, our differences etc. - everything can fuck it up and probably will I try to enjoy the moment but it will break us hard sooner or later and I’m getting used to the tought even tho she asks me not to give up (I don’t plan to but I worry she might) I’m gonna miss what we have... if this relationship won’t work I’m not gonna look for anybody new ever  What would you wear if you were being taken out to dinner tonight? how fancy? Do you take your Christmas decorations down before or after New Years? after, before my birthday Have you made a large purchase today? no Have you ever had a migraine? it’s a disease, you either have it or not, that’s not just a single headache Have you locked your front door today? my parents are outside muahahaha Have you been awake before sunrise today? noooooooo

Do you normally eat dessert? nope Do you think you could be happy if you had to live with only nine outfits? not during winter Do you watch sunrises? barely ever Do you wake up before the sunrise? when I can’t sleep Do you watch sunsets? not interested

What would you paint on a pumpkin? why not carve? Do you ever imagine you are richer than you are? when planning my dream apartment  Do you ever imagine that you live in an entirely different world? kind of Would you rather change your first name or your middle? I have no middle name, I could add one or change first, whatever Do you wish your last name was more interesting? more like shorter  If you wrote a novel, would you give the characters ordinary names? it varies Do you worry too much? I’m a worrier What’s your favorite leaf color? green Do you wonder if you have super vision? I have a very good vision which is weird knowing how much I read in the past and how long I sit in front of the computer Do you like the smell of autumn leaves? not a fan If you were a singer, what would you sing and write songs about? sad stuff Would you rather be a dancer or a musician? musician

Where do you put your keys when you get home? not gonna tell you

Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? what if I win the contest?...

What does a successful relationship look like to you? success is when ppl die together (I mean not the same time but when they get older together) and not just because they had to, relationship is more than getting used to and coping - it’s happiness out of being together even if everything around is shit, you know what I mean?

What is the best house you’ve ever lived in? I’ve never moved

Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? if I need to

Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? nope?

What was the last email you received? spam

Do you know someone who speaks without a filter? less filters than most but it also depends on who they’re talking to and what about

Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? youngest

What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? I’m a procrastinator so don’t even ask

What’s the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? fb messenger

[sunsetsover]

i’d love to read one of your posts about ben’s actions tonight? like, we all understand /why/ but you have such a lovely way with words and i like pain. thanks 🥺

thank you, you’re so sweet!! usually i like to answer asks in order but imma let u skip the queue just this once bc this one’s time sensitive and ur so nice 🥺

so……. where do i even begin w this……..

the thing is ben has such horrible self esteem issues and a lot of ppl (both characters on the show and ppl in the audience) don’t realize that bc he comes across as very confident and bold and unfazed by anything, but the thing is….. that’s a front…….. he is not confident, he is not bold (not when it really matters) and he’s affected by pretty much everything. like massively so. what other people think of him - particularly people he cares about - affects not only how he sees himself, but also how he behaves. he seems to almost want to be a self fulfilling prophecy - remember how everyone thought it was ben who hit phil over the head, so ben was like ‘well seeing as though everyone thinks i tried to kill him, i might as well actually do it’?? yeah. he’s very susceptible to allowing other people’s opinions on him dictate his opinions of himself, as well as the course of action he ends up taking.

so it’s very easy to see how that lead to what happened with callum and their date. ian making a comment about it? well ben gives back as good as he gets, and this is ian we’re talking about, who is as obtuse as they come. but you see as ben leaves the beale’s that despite seeming unbothered by it, that comment actually got to him. it got him thinking: what if ian was right? what if he has a point? literally ben was already doubting himself after a snide comment from ian, that’s how affected he is by other people’s opinions (and also that’s how much he cares about callum!). and then you’ve got jay piling on top of that, and ok maybe his comments were innocuous and maybe he had a point, but with what ian had already said? the doubts really start taking hold. like maybe ian isn’t just full of shit, not if jay’s thinking the same thing - jay, who probably knows ben better than anyone. so maybe he and callum aren’t right for each other. maybe they won’t work.

and then you’ve got stuart who just puts the giant fucking nail in the coffin. he sets the disaster snowball rolling down the hill. and he does it in a really clever, manipulative way too (it’s a similar type of manipulation we see ben use on callum when he sold him that van!): he disarmed ben with an apology and with this newfound openmindedness, offers ben an olive branch by saying ‘i care about callum and i think you do too’ - essentially lowering ben’s guard - and then goes in with the ‘bad things happen around you so you need to stay away from callum because i don’t want happened to paul to happen to him’. and that undoubtedly completely fucks ben up - we didn’t even really need ian and jay putting doubts in his head before that tbh, i think what stuart said would have been enough to screw ben up on it’s own. and you know, i think even with ian and jay’s comments, if stuart hadn’t said what he said they might’ve been alright. ben might be a little bit off, but it probably would have been recoverable. but as soon as paul was mentioned - as soon as what happened to paul was mentioned - it was all bets off the table. we’ve seen how much paul’s death still affects ben, how much he still blames himself. so to have stuart basically insinuate that yeah, what happened to paul was somehow because of ben and that the same thing might happen to callum - someone that ben obviously really cares about - again because of ben? it was game over. stuart softened him up then went right for ben’s rawest spot. like how the fuck was he supposed to recover from that in a matter of hours?

and yeah, he probably should have done the decent thing and just cancelled. but that’s not how ben’s brain works. ee have already established that doing this exact thing is a pattern of behaviour for ben - he broke up w the guy he was seeing (that he was into!) in newcastle for the exact same reason he purposely sabotaged his date with callum: because he ‘had to, because if anything had got, like, serious, then [ben] would have ruined his life’. those are ben’s exactwords. now who does that sound like? what kind of paranoia is that kind of thinking feeding into? this is what ben thinks about himself. this is what ben worries he’s going to do to the men in his life. like this is what ben does!!! which is why it really surprised me that some ppl thought his behaviour yesterday was OOC. it seems to me that if anything this behaviour is perfectly in line with both his character and his previous actions. and to be perfectly honest, i think if ben hadn’t tried to deliberately fuck it up now, then he probably would have eventually. at least if he’s doing this right at the very beginning the two of them have a chance of working through it.

so why didn’t ben just cancel? well callum would’ve wanted an explanation. and what could ben have said, when he had been so up for it until then? ‘sorry, a few people have talked some sense into me and i realized i like you too much to ruin your life’? that wouldn’t have worked. ‘i changed my mind’? callum’s gonna ask why. ‘something came up’? callum might ask for another date. and ben clearly likes callum quite a bit, and he knows as well as we do that if callum had asked him out again, he probably wouldn’t have been able to say no. so he thinks: i have to break this until there’s no chance of recovery. i need to destroy any chance there is for us, get rid of any interest callum has in me. i need to make him angry at me, because then he’ll stay away from me. i need to make him hate me, because if he hates me at least he won’t be hurting. and if i do have to hurt him, it’s better to hurt him now rather than further down the line when it will hurt him ten times more. it’s flawed thinking, obviously, but ben’s a flawed man with a lot of issues and no self esteem who thinks that a) he doesn’t deserve someone like callum and b) that he’ll only end up hurting him, or that callum will end up hurt because of him. so in his own fucked up way, he was really trying to protect callum - from ben himself, and whatever pain ben’ll inevitably (as far as he’s concerned) end up inflicting on him. (and don’t forget paul and what happened to him was now at the forefront of his mind too, so i’m sure that only made him even more determined to make sure he gets callum as far away from him as possible.)

so what does he do? he completely fucking destroys this date. invites other people along, pays callum no attention, makes 0 effort, literally cops off with someone else in plain view and then makes it clear he’s not bothered what callum thinks about it (although it backfired a little bit bc callum’s such a sweetheart and also has no self esteem so he went the ‘no hard feelings’ route which must have infuriated ben bc like no!! he was supposed to kick off!! swear!!! call ben a bastard!!! anything but be so painfully understanding!!!!) and he does all of this to basically fuck their relationship up beyond repair. bc if he does that then callum will be able to move on and find someone else, someone kind and safe and normal who won’t hurt him or fuck it up.

and i know it won’t make sense to some people, but he did all of it with the best intentions. with callum’s feelings in mind, not ben’s own - in fact, ben’s feelings and what he wants are practically redundant in this situation bc he’s so set on doing what he thinks is the best thing for callum. what ben wants and feels about it doesn’t matter.

and he manages to do a pretty good job of ignoring his feelings up until the very end, when he’s essentially alone. then - and only then - do we get to see how fucking upset ben is about the whole thing. like he’s sitting there drinking by himself trying not to cry! he’s fucking heartbroken! because his actions during the date, that wasn’t him wanting to be cruel or vindictive or hurt callum. that was him trying to protect callum (and i know, i know not everyone will understand or agree with that but i promise you that’s exactly what he was trying to do). his own happiness, his own feelings, they don’t matter. he’s fucking devastated, but it doesn’t matter. callum is safe now. he’ll be alright, and as long as callum’s alright, nothing else matters.

and the most telling part of it all? the fact that ben didn’t go home w that guy he’d been kissing earlier. he could have. he so easily could have - the guy was into him, he was up for it, and we know ben’s not opposed to random hook ups. but he didn’t. he wasn’t at all interested. why? because he wanted callum. he caresabout callum. he was just using that guy to make his point - that ben is bad and callum shouldn’t be interested in him bc because he can do better. he had 0 interest in that guy and the minute everyone was gone and no one was around to witness it, ben made that very clear - he didn’t even want fuck him as a rebound or to prove he doesn’t care about callum or whatever. he couldn’t even pretend.

like ben just really cares about callum and that’s exactly why he did what he did - because he thinks that it was the best and kindest thing to do.

idk i just hope that this helps give people a little bit of perspective on why ben did what he did bc i feel like some ppl were kind of unfairly harsh on him. the way he behaved was not at all fair on callum, and i don’t condone what he did, but as someone who has been there myself (not literally the same situation, but the same ‘i need to scare them off now so i don’t hurt them in the long run’ way of thinking) i can confidently say that it was from a place of good intentions. completely twisted and fucked up and unfair, yes, but his heart was (mostly) in the right place.

but yeah lmao i’m glad you like my way with words bc you just got a lot of them!!! and perhaps a lot of pain too lmao 💕💕

[bigskydreaming]

So, I really hate making these posts and try not to as much as possible, but the only thing I’ve eaten in the last two days is a stale muffin from 7-11 that was all I could afford with the whole dollar and ten cents in my bank account yesterday.  

I know there’s a ton of people in dire straits and there’s never a shortage of donation posts, and I also know from personal experience that there’s also a lot of amazing and generous people who give as much as they can to people whenever they can. I KNOW that some of you want to help but have just already helped as much as you possibly can, and please just know that just because I’m still struggling, that doesn’t mean that any help you gave me already didn’t make a difference. The responses I got to my first donation post early last month are the only reason I survived December, and like....they made a difference, and they definitely mattered. And I also know there’s people who see my posts and want to help but already gave whatever they could to other donation posts and please don’t ever feel bad that you don’t have anything you can send because you already sent it to someone else who needed it.

I truly do not make posts like this with any kind of expectation, its just...desperation, lol. I’ve monetized every skill I can think of that I have in every way possible I can come up with, I’m working as much as I possibly can when I do find the work, but this past month I’ve spent three to four hours every day searching out new jobs and commissions and clients with practically zero results, and I can only work with the work that’s there, 

There are positives, I mean, my efforts in rebuilding my credit have really started to pay off and I finally have a decent credit score that should make getting an apartment finally possible on that front. I have insurance now, so all the stuff I’ve been waiting months to get started on is now at least feasibly affordable. Now I just need to be able to like, capitalize on these things, y’know?  As great as it is to only have to pay sixty bucks for one of the medical tests I need done where without insurance it would’ve been three hundred, only making just enough to stay afloat in the motel I’m at day to day still keeps that stuff JUST out of reach and that’s...ugh. 

And also, its hard to be productive on one muffin every 1-2 days lmao, esp when you’ve got the whole chronic pain medical shit blah blah wtfever ugh shut up my life.

But seriously, anything you can spare helps keep me afloat and building towards a day/point when I can actually do something to turn things around in a more permanent, sustainable way. Like, you may think that oh ppl say on donation posts all the time that even one or two bucks helps, but does it really? But let me tell you, like....yes. Yes it does. Even two bucks is basically double what I spent on food over the last two days lol, so....yeah.

And again, if you just can’t spare anything, you wanna help but you’ve already helped as much as you could or helped other people - I totally get that and am grateful that you already did everything you could, whether it was for me or for someone else who needed it. It may not make a ton of sense but it honestly helps to know that some ppl just aren’t in a position to help me personally because someone else already benefited from their help. Like, when you’re living one of those ‘ugh, wouldnt wish this on anyone’ lives at the moment, and you see so many other ppl going through so much shit of their own like, fuck yeah, I’d love a comfortable cushion in my bank account, who wouldn’t, but there’s still its own kinda value in knowing someone else who spent yesterday just as worried about where their next meal would come from as you is sleeping a little easier tonight because someone else responded to their donation post instead of yours. Like, that’s not a loss, or a waste or something anyone should feel bad about, so please don’t.

If all you can do is reblog, that honestly helps too, so please don’t think its an empty gesture that doesn’t really do much. You never know when your reblog might be the one to make a difference for someone, because someone who follows you is in a position to help and might never have seen my post otherwise. I know I got donations last month from people who don’t follow me and probably had no idea who I was before my post crossed their dash, and I know in the past I’ve donated to people I’d never heard of before a mutual reblogged their post, and again - when even a few bucks can make a difference, let alone the larger amounts some generous souls on here are capable of sending, yeah, even a simple reblog really and truly can make a difference. Not just for my post here, but for any and all donation posts.

Anyway, here’s the link to my paypal again, and thanks for reading or reblogging or donating or hell, even just for following someone who reblogs this onto your dash because that’s definitely someone I Officially Like and appreciate even if I have no idea who they are lol.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming

[assholemurphy]

i am incredibly sad that i only have like, 1 extra adderall left (i may have to find somewhere to buy more from, since i only get like, enough for the month with my prescription, the only reason i had extras this month is bc it took a week for me to be able to get my prescription filled, so i literally had to go a week w/o adderall and i don’t wanna do that again, ever, it was hell, esp bc i ran out of sudafed, too, that week) bc holy fucking shit am i awake. i’m getting so much done. i took a shower and then highlighted all of the units in my script, which is usually hard to focus on bc it’s so dull, and i got another 15 units done, so i’ve only got like 30 left and i’m still wide awake and focused AF. like, i’m p sure that colors have smells, but also, like, the world is so intense and amazing. i feel fucking fantastic. i kinda wanna go skydiving, but like, not until i get my hw done, ya know?

but i’ve got 30 more units to do, then i’ve gotta make a graph, but after that, i’m done with the project and can move on. depending on how i feel/what time it is when i get that done (bc if it’s past 3:30/4a, i can’t sleep, i’ve got to stay up bc if not, i won’t wake up in time for class, but also, if i still feel this awake, then there’s rly no point to sleeping bc i won’t be able to, anyway) i might sleep, or i might start working on my playwriting assignment (bc that’s due mon @ 2p and i’ve got to write 6 1-min monologues for my characters) and watch the first 30min of shrek: the musical (bc i gotta have that done by fri @ 9a bc we’re watching it in class and that’s where we’re picking up at since the audio wouldn’t work in class, so it’s hw to watch the first 30 of it, but we can watch all of it, if we want, idk if i will, i’ve got too much to do and if i watch all of it, then there’ll be no point of going to class bc i hate rewatching things bc i’ve got a damn near eidetic memory for movies/books and certain other things, depending on how much i’m paying attention, but almost always books/movies unless i find them boring and don’t care abt them, so it would be stupid to watch all of it and then be bored in class), then maybe read some of after the fall (the script i’m pulling my monologue from for acting i) and do the assignment that goes with that (bc it’s due tues @ 9:30a). after that i should do my therapy hw (we’re still working on stuck points and i’ve got like, 5 more sheets, maybe more, to fill out) bc that’ll be due at my next counselling appt, which i think is next week, i’ll have to call them, but it’ll take abt an hour and it’ll emotionally drain me.

i think that’s abt it for hw, tho, but all of that’ll take roughly 9 hours, which means i def won’t be able to do it all tonight, but i can get most of it done if i don’t sleep, which means i’ll have more time for sleep/writing/literally everything else on the weekend. i might even be lucky enough to be able to get drunk. maybe. i’d have to start drinking at like, 3p and stop at like, 6p for it to all be out of my system so i can get to bed by 2/3a. so that’s a maybe. but a nice maybe.

ofc, i’ve got non hw stuff to do, too. i’ve got to make a list of roommate requirements so i can start looking for a new one (i’ve also got to talk to goldilocks to see when she plans to move out, bc like hell am i moving out, all the bills except her half of the lease are in my name and most of the furniture (aside from her personal stuff and the coffee table) is mine and i don’t want to have to move ALL of it out and into a new place, plus it’s her decision to not be roommates, so it’s on her, not me, and i won’t budge, not this time). then i’ve got to get my study/organization binder made so things’ll be easier to keep track of. i’ve got to do some cleaning (taking out the trash, cleaning up my side of the living room (we didn’t divide it, it’s just where the couches are so we stick to our couches most of the time) and the coffee table). then laundry, gotta do laundry, i’m almost out of socks.

ofc, i might have to start on my part of the second part of the group project. i wanna design costumes for the play, if neither of the others is doing that, which i hope they aren’t, bc i don’t know enough abt any of the other elements of production to do something else. but if i have to, i can try to do sound, maybe, that’s my second choice. so, i may have to start on that this weekend. i’ll talk to hurricane bianca and tim the toolman taylor and see what they’re doing for it probs on fri if not tomorrow at rehearsal. then i can start on my part and get it finished ahead of time to prove i’m capable, when i’ve got my shit together and am not having a breakdown every week. then, after i talk to prof j abt what i’m supposed to do for the show (something with finding times for freeze frames and spotlights, which is fun, but i’m worried my comdic timing isn’t the same as everyone else’s bc i’m autistic, so my sense of humor is a bit skewed, ya know? but anyway, prof j specifically told goldilocks (who is stage manager, i’m one of two assistant stage managers) to have me do it, so i’m afraid i’m being set up to fail bc i know nothing abt theatre, rly, and i’m always paranoid abt these things, but i’m also kinda thinking it might be bc she actually thinks i can do it, which sounds unrealistic, but she’s not a mean person, so i’m willing to bet it’s that one. but i need to ask her what all she needs me to do, bc goldilocks has no clue, which was so fucking helpful, what a great stage manager she is (no, srsly, idk if i bitched abt this earlier or not, but she’s absolutely horrible at this shit so far and i can’t stand working under her bc i hate working under incompetent ppl bc i feel it makes me look incompetent, too, if the job isn’t done right, even if it’s not my fault bc i wasn’t in charge and i’m always, always terrified to look stupid or incapable in the eyes of others). so, i’ve got to ask prof j abt what all i need to do bc i’m p sure the advice given to me by the lighting tech (who is apparently a decent stage manager, tho i doubt it, truly, she doesn’t have the personality for it, she’s too pushy and it makes her hard to work with, but that might just be bc i don’t like her as a person, so i’m reserving judgement until i see her in the position) is wrong bc it makes no sense, is way too hard, doesn’t actually help with anything and gives me a headache (bc mapping out the goddamn blocking is impossible when the actors do diff things every fucking night, wtf??? do the same shit, you assholes! but it’s also useless bc it doesn’t tell anyone where the spotlights/freeze frames should be, and blocking isn’t my job, it’s the other asm’s (who i don’t have a nickname for, but will probs have before the end of rehearsal) so why she’s not doing it, idk???) so i’ll ask tomorrow.

so, i’m looking at 9 hours hw now, then 30 min of cleaning, 3 hours of other paperwork shit, and potentially 4 hours of hw and 2 hours of theatre stuff this weekend. which means i can get at least 10 hours of sleep per night and get some writing done, if i finish most of my hw now. i think that’s worth one sleepless night. it rly is. so, here’s to hoping for at least one day off this week.

but if i don’t sleep, i’ll probs crash after rehearsal tomorrow night, unless i can convince my friends to come over and hang out, since they won’t be here this weekend and i kinda need their help making the roommate requirement list bc otherwise it’s just gonna be like ‘can’t leave time on the microwave after they’re done using it’ and ‘must know how to use headphones when others are studying in the living room’ and ‘must not whine when i want to stay in my room and do work instead of being around them 24/7′ (tho, goldilocks doesn’t spend much time with me anymore, which is fine, i guess, but it’s a complete 180 from what she used to do and honestly, i’m offended bc i caved and started staying in the living room and now it just feels weird not being in the living room and idk what to do abt any of this). i need real things, too, like, big concerns that i’ll forget abt when writing it, and i need to know if my requirements are petty or things that aren’t specific to most ppl, just goldilocks. and it’d be nice to hang out with them and shit.

anyway, this is rly long and rambly, but i rly need to vent all of this shit somewhere, it helps me sort my brain out. i don’t actually expect anyone to read it and you can always blacklist my personal tag ‘iz says stuff’ if you don’t want this shit on your dash. but if you do read them, then you’re always welcome to come to my inbox and be like ‘quit bitching and get back to work, dumbass’ or something. 

[ixnova]

I don’t really know what to do anymore or where to go aside from screaming into this fucking void. My friends don’t feel like my friends, I feel like im useless, worthless, rude, mean, toxic a bad person etc but at the same time I’m angry and have been hurt by so many people in so many ways. I was told I am emotional manipulative and toxic, but yet I’m sitting here feeling abused and the victim of emotional manipulation. One person despises me so much that they cannot even stand to be in the same virtual room as me, meaning I have to “share” the friends with them when I don’t want to. I literally asked them if we could just be chill and not talk about why we’re on the outs so we can share the friend group and he just straight up said no. My “friends” will not stand up to this person and how mean they are treating me. They are telling me asking for them to stand up for me is unfair but I am constantly being bullied. They are clearly prioritizing them over me, because I feel like if they actually cared they’d say something by now. They agreed this person is being unreasonable, they agreed it was uncalled for and unfair that I attempted to apologize and this person just continued to pin blame and make me feel bad telling me everything I’ve done wrong and then when I asked for my turn to tell them how they’ve hurt me they completely split and went “nope can’t lower my standards for you” well I fucking well lowered mine for you apparently. Like I really don’t know what to do I’m an emotional wreck because of this person they’ve completely ruined my social life. I feel like I need to censor myself to have people like me, I’m not allowed to talk about my feelings and I need to accept being treated like a doormat if I don’t want to be alone with no friends to play games with. And that’s all I’m ever going to be allowed to have is hee hoo funny game friends I’m not allowed to have actual friends apparently.  One guy I consider my best friend, but I’m really starting to wonder if I just have Stockholm syndrome because He’s not really showing it. I guess I can be called an ungrateful bitch because he can have many claims as to why he cares or is a friend to me, but right now in this moment given how he’s acting to me and not really standing up for me and such, I’m not feeling like he’s my friend or that he’s sincere in what he means when he tells me I’m like a sister to him. I’m okay being the ungrateful bitch It’s all I ever am to people apparently.

I just feel like I have done so much for so little, and I have such a high moral compass and treat people right, or at least I try to. But whenever I put myself first or talk about my issues I get told I’m a bad person. Everything I do is wrong, etc. It’s getting real hard to just go on. I’m even starting to feel neglect from my own parents. They fight with me a lot over stupid stuff, even my mother. My mother’s been making me feel bad about my body image lately, indirectly of course but it just makes me realize how much ppl don’t care or consider for what they say to me anymore. It’s always like I have to shut up and be told what I’m doing wrong and have to apologize for that and accept it - which I do, but then when It’s my turn to express how I am feeling and ask for what I want people will not listen, care, or respect that of me. It’s not unfair. I’m mad and upset. I have every right to be. I have not been treated right in these past 5 years of friendship and there’s a reason this my 3rd friend circle because it’s been the exact same cycle of abuse as the last two fucking times.  I’m very scared to let go because I don’t want to be alone, and I can’t get close to anyone anymore. I can’t open up to people, I feel like I’m always having to cover my ass. I have to say things like “I don’t mean to guilt trip but I really want to kill myself tonight” because even just talking about my feelings and my depression makes me come across as “emotional manipulative” apparently and that basically just translates to I can’t say anything to anyone about anything. My feelings aren’t valid and do not matter. It’s not fair It’s really not fair. I just want someone to respect me for once. Someone to agree with me I deserve to put myself first and can comfort me when I try to heal. I’m always going to hurt, and I’m never going to heal. The pain is never going to go away. I’ve been fucked up and ruined, and what bothers me the most about that, is that I’ll never get the apology I deserve. I’m going to disconnect for a few days maybe. Halloweens already been fucked for me, and I’m real depressed about that. Yeah I’m 21 and mad I can’t trick or treat anymore. I tried to make new Halloween stuff to busy me but aside from video games nothing feels like Halloween. Mom told me she was going to get pumpkins to carve but never and she’s always busy with work. I’m fucked up with work too and my boss is bad and he adds to this mental strain so much. I hate my job and I want to quit and whenever I spent money its just like “welp gotta suffer for 5 months to make that back now.” I don’t know what to do I’m at my limit. My “friend” doesn’t seem to care he just completely ignored my last statements about how I’m angry mad and upset and is just “how are you now?” And it just feels like he’s trying to sweep it under the rug, well he can go ahead and do that because I think I’m done. I think I just have to disconnect from everything and everyone and stop letting people get close to me. I have to stop letting them have a chance to hurt me. I just want the pain to stop.

[queernuck]

i have the day off work, i have leftovers from my favorite Chinese restaurant, i have a bunch of Easter candy I havent touched yet, and its perfect weather for going outside and enjoying a few blunts right now. and that’s not even to mention that i know where to get some absolutely mind-blowingly good bud with plenty of wax and hash to go with it.

and yet its my first sober 4/20 since 2010!! and that isnt even in some sort of “hey progress toward health” way where i dont feel a need to smoke weed anymore because i love that shit, its in a “i should be out getting baked” way

goddamn this sucks and the worst part is that im just doing petty complaining right now you know? like the worst part is that im feeling so fucking alone im listening to the fucking Smiths like some kinda mid-high schooler who got told by the girl he likes that she has a boyfriend and relating too deeply to that fuckface Morrissey talking about suffering and like, its just...its my fault

its all my fault

i wasnt careful enough and it was stupid shit that lead to me getting caught, stupid shit, i know that!! but on the other hand, especially given that the most recent thing involved my parents deciding not to tell me that they were gonna be moving a desk in my room and cleaning it out entirely but instead just going “oh yeah we’ll do this while you’re at work” and doing it, and that the time that started all of the mounting suspicion was my mom rooting through my drawers because of something else entirely that i wasnt even doing! for some reason she was like “oh you’re hiding your meds” when i wasnt and she foun something else and like, lmao her wannabe cop ass was so pressed and still is after she figured shit out in January and its just

im a sad tranny faggot who has disappointed you and knows how awful i am i know im a burden a current-dropout a fucking waste of money and time and space and i know i know i know i know all i do is work a part-time retail job and like what the fuck else am i gonna do? like even at my job i fuck up and its just...i hate this shit i hate it so much i deserve to be fired and i deserve to be fuckin shot!! can sum1 just come kill me?

if anything id be better off as a rallying sorta thing, as like, something that ppl can look to and be like “oh yeah remember it?” and idk pretend they’re not raging transmisogynists for a few minutes i just

my dad is going out tonight after work and getting drunk and i remember how when i thought She could still come visit me one of the things he said was that he “didnt wanna hear how tired i was after working a bunch of days in a row because he hasn’t had a day off in 20 years” since he has to call people for work and go to events on the weekend and whatever and its like...maybe fiind a job that offers actual fulfilment and meaningful labor in your standards! maybe go fuck yourself!! 

and it’s just like, i’m caught up in so much bullshit here and it feels like there’s no way out like...get a new job. with what? doing what? there aren’t any jobs for me here! there ain’t! this is as good as it gets unless you want me doing something that’s gonna make me kill myself in a few weeks’ time and just, what the fuck am i doing what the fuck what the fuck what ttheeeeee fuck i hate i hate i hate i want to be dead i want to be dead i want to be dead

i miss her so much and i feel so fucking profoundly alone right now, i want her here i want her back i know she’s never gonna leave but without her here it just feels so fucking awful and neither of them give a shit

and i have to see my shithead of a brother this weekend too, i was at least counting on him to like, be a distraction so that i can get outta the house more maybe even get an extra night with her so that someone can use my bed!! but like hey maybe now people will be able to use my bed because i’ll be fuckin dead soon enough, throw myself in the sea and never be found, fuck a funeral and fuck all that just fucking forget about me and move on there is nothing worth loving here nothing worth caring for nothing worth remembering

i miss her so much though and i know i make her happy and i have no idea why and im so so happy to be with her i love her so much i miss her and love her and just frankly theres so little time left for anybody that i worry if theres anything worth saving but if there is then its one of the few things worth seeing and thats her smile, her voice, her kiss her touch and i cant wait to be with her

and there will be other days other hazy smoke-filled pipe dream days where im cutting up lines and kissing her as i read in between them, her hands on me and mine on her, ours together, her hand in mine, music way too loud and all the powder and pills i could ask for and more and just some day, some day, some day itll be like that but it just sucks so much that it isnt today

no today i have to deal with the fascist fucking Patriots and the fucking police replacement supplement my mom gets as someone who loves doing loss prevention like some sort of hegemonic fuckhead, and i just hate this entire artifice, i hate it all and i wish i could be fucking done with it i wish i were dead

happy 4/20 though

[my-bobohu-blog]

[170401] a personal update and a very detailed list of my future plans that give me a reason to keep living

so... i’ve been having a rough time again. i don’t even remember if i wrote it down or not? if i recorded it anywhere... but these past couple of days... or weeks i guess... it just felt like i was thrown back into the dark and it felt... terrifying. there was a day when i just couldn’t get out of bed because i just couldn’t? i tried and i wanted to but it just... wasn’t working... i couldn’t function and it felt like i was falling apart but i couldn’t figure out why no matter how many times i tried to walk myself through my emotions. it just felt like i was turned off. and now being back at school at that godforsaken school... it feels 100x worse. i just... i hate being there so much and it makes me feel so empty inside. 

sigh. i wanted to journal about all of this but the words never come out right and it takes so much more effort to format it correctly where it’ll work with my brain. but this works too because i can edit things quickly and cleanly without scribbling all over my cute little journal. and sometimes it just takes to long to write everything i want to say and my hand can’t keep up with my thoughts and i don’t want to leave anything out because my little plans for the future are important to me and even the smallest plans bring me a lot of joy so i just... i want to keep track of them all, mm? 

okay... so... i guess i’ll start listing off my future plans one by one in chronological order because it brings me a kind of peace and it makes me happy knowing that i’ll be capable of achieving these things one day...

for this weekend:

start my poetry readings (homer’s iliad) and idk just be a bit more active in my learning instead of trying to just run away from it

check canvas for any global health readings too so i can plan time to do those readings before monday’s class

watch ep 12 of swdbs (hehehe tonight hopefully after i take a nice shower and put my hair into braids)

for this coming week:

i will go to all my classes this week. no more skips. and i’ll get on top of my work (which isn’t much i don’t think) but i will be prepared

go bowling with hai maybe? i don’t know. we’ll see and i think i should be more honest with myself when it comes to him too

i wanna start a drama (the one with joy and lee hyun woo) and also keep watching grey’s anatomy and running man 

the weather is supposed to be nicer on monday through wednesday so maybe i’ll go to the zoo one of those days and see my baby otter pups

i should get my genetics and a&p credits transferred before something miraculously stupid happens like uw expels me for kicks and giggles

deposit money into the bank account to pay off my bills and to make up for all the shit i spent money on these past couple months (no regrets)

look cute one of these days and go take some selfies by the cherry blossoms @ the quad... which would be cool, hmm?

buy some more strawberry milk bc it makes me happy :) 

for this month:

go to the zoo at least twice to visit the baby otter pups and to just... enjoy the zoo whether it’s on my own or with company

no skipping classes in april to the best of your ability... because may and june might be hard and i need to keep it together at least one month

make sure to have a bad day preparedness plan just in case the bad days are bad and skipping isn’t an option

figure out a schedule to start working out on a weekly basis- but at the very least start working out at home or something

buy some cool socks and make hai a picture ornament for his birthday that’s coming up

fly to la to see fey, exo, and some sunshine LOL~ remember to have a good time and to just enjoy life as it comes

trim bangs 

for this school year:

pray like there’s no tomorrow that i got into the MLS program because it means the world to me and i want to stop being disappointed by life

pray some more just in case and just... pray a lot, hmm? just... lots of praying tbvh

apply to the biology major (ba bc bs is a pain in the ass even if it’s just one more physics class- fuck that)

do my best to just finish this quarter strong and to just get through it no matter what it may throw at me

drive to the beach on a really sunny/warm day and just feel the wind blow through my hair and enjoy life

transfer every single one of my credits and just get that taken care of so that i can figure out my next steps at this godforsaken school

go to oshian’s graduation and get her the most kickass present i can think of/make because she deserves it more than the world

for the future and beyond:

get into the mls program and totally kick ass by being motivated to learn new shit and making friends with my small cohort

get into the bio major and kick ass at that too because biology is just in my blood and engraved in my heart at this point

take a shit ton of challenging classes that make life worth living and do my clinical rotations and kick ass at that too because it’s lab and i love it

graduate with a bs in mls and a ba in bio and a minor in chem and if i’m feeling ambitious lets just tag on a minor in microbio too if i can

but really, graduate with at least a bs in mls because that’s what matters and i’m gonna do great with that too

apply to hospitals in seattle and boston and move to boston if there’s a place for me there

go on a big ass trip of joys and wonders after i graduate and before i move for my big senior solo trip

visit south korea, japan, and taiwan~ (maybe schedule it around the time of an exo concert, mm? and go to hot springs in japan~)

visit sm coex, go to pet cafes, run through the taiwanese night markets, eat all the delicious foods, just... live and be happy and explore

move to boston (hopefully) and start over with a new life with a job at a wonderful hospital~ live there for 2-3 years and see how it goes

go to farmers’ markets and buy myself fruits and flowers, learn how to cook more, live on my own, drink wine and watch netflix on my own

get a corgi and name it bubby and love it more than anything else in the world because it will be my lil love and my lil bub and it will own my soul

travel to europe and visit england, spain, france, and germany and idk anywhere in between wherever my heart takes me

apply to graduate school (maybe u of maryland) and get a masters in the pathologists’ assistant program 

become a freaking pathologists’ assistant??? and make $100k+ a year??? and kick fucking ass??? 

open up Bubby’s Bookshop (latter half of name still pending) as a safe space for ppl to go and be at peace

oh and adopt lola (or lolo) and my cat sparkles~ and shower them with all the love in the world

make special spaces in bubby’s bookshop like lola’s library and sparkles’ safe space w/ lil themes for ppl to seek comfort in

maybe get my phd??? so that i can be the lab director of a lab one day and just... still totally kick ass? because... that would be awesome

dr. elaine~ ayeeeeee LOLOLOL but really... that would be kind of really great and cool and exciting

buy a beach house or something... maybe start small and just rent a beachside apartment ya know? but... i’ll get there ;)

live simply, humbly, and happily

for everything in between my life plans:

remain flexible and have back ups and don’t be afraid to let go of certain future plans simply because they aren’t gonna work out

if i don’t get into the mls program, then i’ll get my bio degree and get a certification program in mls and i’ll go from there and adjust accordingly

if i choose a path different from pathologists’ assistant, then that’s cool too as long as i enjoy whatever path i take

hope and pray that my heart still belongs in labs and that truly where i am happy and where my soul resides

if not, then i can figure out something else from there too. there will always be time

for the bad days and the good days and life in between:

tell someone (oshian probably bc she’s my person) whenever those bad waves come before i start to drown too deeply

do not be afraid to reach out and to just... ask for help no matter how much of a burden i feel like i am... because i still matter and i need help

go to the zoo often and go to the beach often and just go places often. try to avoid holing myself in my room if i can avoid it

take advantage of good opportunities and try to put myself out there every once in a while- like good internships

keep friends. don’t push them away... because they matter and they’re important and they are everything

dude, go out to eat with other people. like literally anyone and not just by myself bc sometimes it’s a tad depressing and company is fucking gr8

take care of myself and know my own limits because those are essential to my sanity and my health and hopefully it will get better

but if it doesn’t, at least i’ll still have me and i will get myself through every single bad day in life and i will persevere and survive

even if this is the longest shit i’ve written it still feels so incomplete? like i’m missing something or that i’m leaving out some small details that really matter... but... i think that’s okay, hmm? i hope... i hope i can achieve these things or at least still remain true to the heart and soul that is striving after these things. 

i want to be better. i want to be a better elaine that little-elaine can look up to and be proud of. i want big-elaine to look back and think, “you did good little one. thank you for the strength to get us to this point. you did good.” because that matters and because... because even if i make all these plans, i’m still scared that something is going to go wrong with my heart and my soul and that somewhere underneath all of this is someone who is rotten at the core and... and i hope that’s not true... but i’m trying. i’m trying my best and i’m trying to be the best i can be even if that just means buying strawberry milk on a wednesday to help me get through the rest of the week. and i don’t know if that made sense... but it matters to me. because... because i’ve gone through a shit ton and i don’t always think i’m a good person... but goddammit i’m trying and that has to count for something... it has to matter to me that i’m trying. 

sigh. 

none of my future plans really have people involved specifically... except osh bc she’s my best friend and i will fight like hell to keep her in my life even if i’m living across the country. but... there’s no plans for a boyfriend or a husband... because... because i feel like if i do that then i’ll be weak and that somehow having plans will break my heart when they don’t come true because they never do. so idk... i don’t even know why i wanted to mention this but i also kind of know because i told myself i’d be honest with myself today. and the truth is... i’m scared of being alone and i’m scared of settling and i’m scared of being with someone i’m unhappy with so i’d rather just be alone because i can control how i feel about myself and i can control those aspects of my future because they’re my future and someone else’s future isn’t a part of that- not really. and... and i’m scared of someone walking in and changing my plans and then walking right back out after damage has been done... and i’m scared because i can’t control their feelings but... but i don’t want to have to pick up all my broken pieces each time someone walks out of my life either. i’ve grown so tired of it. 

but... but i won’t lie. i want someone who is gonna hug me at the end of the day and kiss me on the forehead and hold my hand and tell me that even on my worse days, things are going to be okay... that i’m going to be okay. because they’ll know that only me telling myself those things isn’t always enough so they’re there to support me too. and... and i want to love someone. really love someone and just... link arms with them and let them cuddle up with me in bed and tell them about my future plans and ask about theirs and maybe make future plans together. my goodness i don’t want to end up alone but i feel like i will just because i’m too fucking scared to include anyone in my future... but... i hope... i really hope that i won’t end up alone. which is a stupid sentiment by the way bc i have osh and my family who love and adore me and would do anything for me... and i’m still trying to figure out what i mean when i want someone to love me... and i guess i mean that in a s/o kind of way but... but still... it just... feels weird. like i want someone special but osh and family are still special and i don’t know how to specify what i want in words but i think it’s understandable but i wish i could just break it down and really make sense of what i want... sigh. idk... i’m just rambling at this point.

alright... i’m growing tired because i’m still not sure what the point of these last few points were. anyways.

to my little love (aka me), you are doing great and i’m proud of you. even if the depression feels like it’s eating you alive- you are going to survive this. you have goals and plans and it’s going to be okay because you’re smart and you’re going to fight and you’re going to survive this and it’s going to get better. even if life decides to screw you over at every corner you turn, you’re going to persevere and make it through. even if you have to suffer, you will fucking persevere because that’s just what you do and that’s what your heart is made of. it was meant to persevere even in the toughest times that test you and make you want to give up- you never will. even if there are smaller things that occupy your mind and your time- even if there are things that make you more vulnerable than you ever anticipated despite you knowing it shouldn’t- you’re gonna be okay and it’s going to be okay. you are going to accomplish all your goals in the best of your ability and you’re going to have a bright future because that’s just who and what you are. you are light and you are meant to live simply and brightly and it’s going to be okay. and even if you find yourself in the darkness, you will light your own way and figure your way out. you are strong my little potato bud. you are going to be great and i am so proud of you.