#at least theyre in order of how difficult they are/how likely i am to cry at them lmao. itll be fine

[phagodyke]

was really brave and had my first dental appt in like 5-6 years this morning I only started crying 4 times while trying to do bitewings and then they had to give up on them as usual lmfao

[sleeping-lilies]

Title: I Get Tim a Cat Because It’s What He Deserves (oh and i guess a group chat 🙄)

a batfam/wayne family groupchat would literally never happen in canon but it would be so fucking funny you all don’t even know, so i will do it anyways.

the chat just kinda... starts. no one know where it came from. who added them. who??? none of their emotionally stunted asses would be caught dead making making a family chat tf? why can’t any of them leave? they smash their phones and then on their laptop a notification pops up like “you’ve joined ‘x’ group” and they’re stuck there. might as well use it ig, but for what???

“everyone who is alive type ‘i’” no one responds so bruce spends hours trying to find out where their bodies are until he finds out everyone just had the chat on mute

“why isn’t alfred on here” “huh. alfred isn’t on here and no one knows who made the chat?” “so whoever made it just left immediately?” “...” “lol anyways”

tim was trying to send a snap to the core four gc but accidentally sent it to the family chat and gets super embarrassed (of course this happens when everyone’s online why wouldn’t they if it makes tim’s life more difficult) and everyone makes fun of him. duke printed out copies and plastered them all over tim’s apartment while tim was out for something and tim nearly murders duke. after that no one puts the chat on mute because this was too funny.

no one actually, like, texts on a regular basis because they’re not like other families 🙄 they only text if it’s really important or someone’s dying.

that’s being said, “dick where is dog” “send doggy” “dog?” “send doggy” “dick when did you get a dog?” “SEND DOGGY” “i demand you send the dog this instant” “dog now.”

damian breaks into dick’s apartment to take a selfie with him and haley (or bitewing, haley is just shorter to type) captioned “she is mine this is a warning to all of you. i will not hesitate if any of you low lives come near her.” and dick is like “??? this is my dog i can’t have anything these days, siblings take everything, man—” oh ya, everyone reacts to the haley photo with a heart. also dick only lets this shit slide with damian, if jason the problem child pulled this shit it would be on sight lmfaooo

- tim: the dog is cute but, but in photography i learned you have to crop out everything unimportant, like this *crops out damian from the photo*

- in other news, tim joined the dead bats club and now only bruce and duke are left 😃🔪

bruce: check in if you are alive. *everyone’s status is online*

u don’t know about y’all, but my bruce wayne is a responsible father who keeps an eye on his kids, or at least does his best, “has anyone seen duke? he has school and i can’t find him” “i will find him... if you give me $50.” “i will give you the money jason just tell me where he is” jason sends a photo of himself and duke laying down on the floor eating pop tarts.

-“literally why do you all keep coming into my apartment” “our apartment, dick” “i pay for this apartment it’s mine, i keep living in blüdhaven for a reason, god, siblings always steal everything that’s your’s—” it’s ok guys dick simultaneously has eldest daughter’s syndrome and absent sibling syndrome, who is doing it like him? legend behavior. anyways, duke and jason left crumbs on the floor and dick beat them up lmao.

“can i have money” “dad” (theyre sent by same person just different text) “yes cass i will sent you as much as you need, $2,000 is enough for shipping with friends?” “dad can i have money too” “dad can i too” “may i have some too dad” “dad” “dad” fhdjdjsks they only call him dad when they’re dying, want something, or are tattling on each other, someone save him 😩

“@everyone the interviewer in the last segment asked me if we have a family chat and i have a feeling they will try to pry into my texts to see what we are texting, please actually send something so they don’t get even more nosy from our lack of communicating” *someone sends the bee movie script*

ok but like, as time goes on they get more comfy texting each other and acting like a normal(ish) family unit that texts a little more. like tattling.

“someone broke the vase in the hallway and if they don’t want me to tell pennyworth who did it they will buy alfred the cat a new scratching post by nightfall” damian is so funny i love him

“HELPPVHRNXKAK” “what’s up with jason?” “cass is sitting on him” “lol” “i think she’s gonna break his arm fhdjdksk” “ANDBSJ I HAT E YO U A LL” “when did you all come to the manor???”

“😂” bruce vs “lol” dick and cass vs “agdhsjak” tim and duke vs “hA” jason vs “i don’t find any of you funny” damian

“damian i am putting your lemon cake pop thingies in the last bottom shelf on the right, i put the code and everything in the safe” “how often does damian even come to your apartment, dick?” “whenever you’re being an asshole bruce” “he’s always an asshole dickhead 🙄” “exactly 🥰”

“dad guess what” “TIM NOOO” “remember when” “TIM TIM TIM” “you told duke to take the day shift” “I WILL NEVER POST YOUR SNAP PHOTOS TO A GROUPCHAT WITH THE ENTIRE SUPERHERO COMMUNITY AGAIN!!!” “and he agreed to if he did his school work first?” “MERCY, MERCY” “what did he do, tim” “fjdjxkskkz duke goes on school zoom meetings during patrol and pretends he doesn’t have a mic and camera and i was watching his helmet footage and it was so funny, the teachers just believe him when he pretends to have really bad network and can barely type in the chat” “my teachers never trusted me that much” “that’s because you made a kid cry once jason stfu” “wait how did u know that cass—“

“AHDBSNZKAJHF” “stfu duke” “what’s wrong with him where is he?” “cain came to visit” “ohhhh” “FHDJFJDJ HELLPPPXSND” “i know you’re taking a video, you little shit, send it” “no todd come here and take one yourself—or don’t, your presence is unwanted” “fucking brat”

“DAD DICK HIT ME” “DAD JASON’S LYING” *bruce wayne online* (he doesn’t fucking respond fhsjskla) (is it because he’s exasperated with them or crying because they called him dad even though it’s a manipulation tactic or both we’ll never know)

“everyone who is alive, type in chat” *everyone is online* then bruce edits the message to say ‘everyone who wants alfred’s cinnamon rolls, type in chat’ “i guess NO ONE wants alfred’s cinnamon rolls, how sad” and the entire chat goes wild lmfao

ok uhhh let’s do on a scale of 1-10 texts most vs is online the most

bruce: 6-texting, 5.9-online because he always makes an effort to text his kids to check up on them and when his kids are texting he will text as well here and there in the convo to interact with them because he never sees and interacts with them normally and he wants to do better 🥲. he get’s minus 0.1 because of that one time jason and dick were fighting and he logged off agdhsjnz

dick: 3-texting, 3.5-online because he’s the only one in this hellhole of a family that has an actual job (in this house we uphold gymnastics teacher grayson 🙏) and sometimes he won’t have energy to text. so. but he does make an effort when he can. he’s online more than he texts because he’s able to sneak looks at the fights when he has downtime during his job and wants to see the drama lmfaooo. also everything goes on in his fucking apartment for some reason, so now he gotta break up a (one sided) fight between cass and tim because someone has to be a responsible adult.

cass: 2-texting, 10-online because she watches more than she texts? she’s more content to watch what’s going on than to join in. also 8/10 she’s usually the one causing the drama that everyone’s texting about, like beating up the others, so she can’t text while beating them up. i mean she could, but she wants to put more energy in beating them up (lovingly) (cass is basically violence (loving)) and watching what everyone’s saying about her fights. she’s always online to catch a glimpse at the drama. also most of her texts are to dick to see bitewing. and ask for money.

jason: texting-8, online-4 because if cass is the one causing drama offline, jason’s causing drama online. jason wants to be chat cryptic but texts the most lmfaoooo. he’s antagonizing his siblings whenever he sees them and whenever he can’t, king shit. he’s online less because he deadass doesn’t care that much, he’ll read the texts later if he really wants to, otherwise either duke or tim will fill him in on the drama. (“jason ur in the chat too—“ “shut up, tim, now tell me how cass beat damian’s ass)

tim: texting-6.44444, online-10, see tim texts a lot just not to the family group chat lmfao, he has REAL FRIENDS 😤 uhh ya, that’s why he’s online all the time, cuz he’s either texting his friends or on his phone doing some shit. broke: tim stays up late working on cases, woke: tim stays up late texting his friends and playing video games over chat. tim just. interacts with his family, gets bullied by them, ya. that’s the life. also he and duke keep throwing hands because it’s the family curse to beat up tim and in this essay i will discuss how dick is the superior sibling because he never tried to kill tim—wait he probably pushed him down the stairs once nvm but it was totally justified, king

duke: texting-4, online-4 because he has, like, school. and daytime patrol. and is like a junior in high school and therefore has a fuck ton of homework. my boy has no time for family and he doesn’t want it because they’re annoying, obviously 🙄. if he wants drama he’ll go into damian’s room and get the drama. diy icon. he’s online as much as he texts but is so fast of a reader he’ll know the drama in time for the next episode of wayne family shit. most of his time online is picking fights with tim and roasting his siblings to a crisp. he’s so mean, guys, legend has it that one time duke told jason that his helmet looked like a shriveled up dildo and that it could never be the gay statement he wanted it to be jason went offline for that entire day in order to cry himself to sleep. at least he got sleep (allegedly) ayyy duke the problem solver.

damian: texting-1.5, online 2 because the only time he’s texting is to ask dick for photos of bitewing and to send photos of his pets back as proper payment. a negotiator ugghhh father like son. damian honestly doesn’t care about the drama he just wants to sketch bitewing (using the photos dick sent as reference) into the Family Portrait Sketch™️ of the rest of the Animal Family™️. it is an honor for damian to create such a piece, picasso the women hater quakes in his grave as such art that blows his dog shit “art” FAR out of the water is developing. anyways, he goes online for that and to throw random barbs at his siblings. like no one is online and damian just throws a “drake is stupid” in chat and just dips. he’s online more to text the other teen titans and jon because they’re better than his dumbass family (and he texts grayson on messenger so fhdjdjsks) true chat cryptic, jason envies him

alfred: 0-texting, 10-online. huh who said that

“duke take down the tik toks, tim is crying”

“who has my sweatshirt??? i will kill you all” “i have it jason” “nvm cass that’s your sweatshirt now i’m sorry for being presumptuous don’t aTTACK ME” fhdjdjsks

“guys i have the day off do you want to hear when delilah said to jonathon it’s so funny” “are those the kids in your gymnastics class?” “ya” “tell us everything”

the bats just... love hearing drama about those kids because they’re so dramatic. apparently alex threw a rubber ball at maya and she tackled them. wild.

time for a round of: WHO SAID IT?!?!

“how do i make my text bold like the rest of you?” —bruce, dick, cass, and jason at some point.

“how do i change my screen name? please change it back to before” -cass when tim changed her name to “hal jordon #1 stan” (“what is a stan” —bruce), (“i don’t like it either change it back” —bruce after finding out what a stan is)

“what the fuck is a pog” —jason

“fucking ‘tik tok’. we used to use vine when i was a teen. i was a front line soldier of great disasters” —dick on one hand lmfao dick is so old but on the other hand holy shit you used vine??? tell us more about the battles fought

“what is a dilf?” —bruce after scrolling through twitter

ok that’s all, my brain is gone.

“cass dick is turning purple get off him” “no. make him give me my scarf back.” “oh dad that’s terrible can you send a video as evidence?”

“GUYS I FOUND A CAT AND IT SCRATCHED ME AND IM GOING TO THE HOSPITAL BUT GUYS!!! CAT!!!” “drake send a photo of the cat immediately” lmfao bruce zooms to the hospital after that text

“GUYS THE CAT HAS AN OWNER I CANT KEEP THE CAT 🥲” “the one time you could prove to be of use and you fail, drake.” “wow tim, find a cat to steal without an owner next time” “timmy, timmy, timmy, i can’t believe you’ve messed up in finding a cat again” “again?” “again?” “again?” “when i adopt a cat i’m not showing any of you, i hate you all” (lmao hard version of guess who is who i’ll give you a hint dick cass and bruce are the confused ones. )ok it’s not hard anymore.

“dad please get me a cat 😳🐱 haha jk 🤣😩 unless 👀😏😃🙏🥰” anyways tim named the cat starry because of her fur-hair-thingy

“they just so you all know steph just crashed in my apartment and i have work in the morning” “i will pick her up in the morning” “you mean tim will, you don’t have a license, cass. anyways”

“dick do you need help moving?” “no, bruce, i think i can handle it, donna and wally are helping me anyways, but thank you” “mOVING???” “OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT???” “DICK THAT SAME APARTMENT ON 666 HELLHOLE AVENUE???” “...ya?” “NOOOOO” anyways they all break into dick’s new apartment when he moves in, walk around it, and then leave. they just... ya... damn, these bats...

anyways that’s all. see ya.

[magic-number-3]

okay so i actually did watch a few episodes of 911 this week without liveblogging them but i did take notes as if i was liveblogging and then just,,, didnt lmao so in case anyone cares about my thoughts im going to share them anyway asdlfkjsdl mostly i think they’ll just be fun to look at later

2x02

CHRISTOPHER CAN BE ON SCREEN FOR 2 SECONDS AND I LITERALLY LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Eddie Diaz is soooooo fuckin dreamy i stgggggg

“I cant order you guys to go inside that building and im not gonna judge you if you decide not to” “Hen, you got a kid, so...” “Yeah. And I’d hope if someone whose job it was to save him they’d do it. No matter what.” QUEEN SHIT 😤😤😤

Marvin you on thin ice but you right; you a king

IM GOOD COACH HEART OF A CHAMPION WHY AM I CRYING

HEART OF CHAMP I AM CRYING AND THEY ALL KEEP SAYING IT BACK TO HIM IM- IM FRAGILE RN. LITERALLY WHY DID EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS ARC MAKE ME SO EMO

NOT HENRIETTA. FUCK

2x03

MADDIE I BELIEVE IN YOU YOU GOT THIS QUEEN

“They could really use a miracle today” “I might just have a few  of those left. I see them.” ALSKFKGKS crying why is the dialogue so good in this show???

FUCK. RUSS ITS YOUR DAY OFF

Russ gonna die im calling it. They saved the athlete and they’ll probably save the little girl?? So hes not gonna make it. At least hen is okay

“Even i couldnt save me. You dont know me, but im good.” “Oh yeah? Well maybe im better”

FUCK. I called it but it still hurts

CLOSE CALL WITH THAT ELEVATOR OMGGG

ALL OF THAT ENDING??? WE CAN BE HEROES SLAPS AND IK WE BEEN KNEW BUT ALDJFKFKSKJ everything about the end to that episode is so 👌👌👌 i wanna cry

EDDIE RUNNING TO HIS BOYYYYYYYY IM

ATHENA AND BOBBY HELL YEAHHHHH the husband is a straight g pullin thru for him like that

2x04

OMG CHRISTOPHER AND EDDIE IM 🥺🥺🥺

Also Christopher is such. Lil cutie

THEIR LITTLE FAMILY!! THE ABUELA?

“These fire guys are totally hot” LAKJDFKAL I MEAN YOURE RIGHT

AKJDKLASDJ YOU LIVE IN YOUR INVISIBLE GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE AND YOURE TELLING ME ABOUT WEAK EXCUSES. THAT SMUG LOOK ON EDDIES FACE IM ASLKFJSAL

Oh sheet Eddies abuela 😞

Every interaction between Eddie and Christopher got me like 🥺🥺🥺

Okay how are you not supposed to ship Buddie they’re talking about being single together and then his aunt telling buck about how ‘he’s a saint’ and all that??? THATS SUCH ROMANTIC INTEREST SHIT. WHEN DO YOU HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER GUSHING TO A MAIN CHARACTER AND THAT CHARACTER ISNT THE LOVE INTEREST????

HE BROUGHT CHRISTOPHER TO WORK AWWWWW!! THEYRE GOING ON A MISSION TOGETHER

Oooh I love this song STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU

“Now I feel kind of lame” “BECAUSE YOU ARE” LMAO HEN

Ooooh yeah why do you call him chim???

BOBBY AND CHRISTOPHER. CHIM AND CHRISTOPHER. THIS IS SO CUTE

AWE EDDIE AND CAP

BOY CRUSH ON EDDIE ADLSJFLDKS

Awe good for Maddie omg 🥺🥺🥺

CHIMNEY IS A MODERN MEDICAL MIRACLE???? I mean good for him bro figured lol but for it to be said out loud shittttttt

AKSFJALSDK TATIANA SHES FUCKING MARRIED YOURE KIDDING ME HOW QUICKLY DID YOU GET MARRIED AFTER BREAKING UP WITH CHIM

alkjsdskla im losing it over Tatiana

Awww now this is sad :( chim’s got noboddddddy

Sdkljfas Buck you have GOT to move out of Abby’s place dude

‘I had a life-altering trauma and her life got altered. All I got was the trauma.’ THATS SUCH A GOOD LINE SPEAK YOUR TRUTH CHIM

YOURE MY FRIEND SHES YOUR EX. YOU GET TO FORGIVE AND MOVE ON I GET TO HOLD A GRUDGE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE ALSKFDSDA

Chim 🥺 awe. “Wakes me up in the middle of the night”. Buddy :( CAPS GOT YA

CARLAAAAAAAAAA HELL YEA

“BESIDES THAT PERFECT BONE STRUCTURE” SDKAFSJA

like. Fuck Tatiana. But also good for her. And Chim gets to start to move on!! That was a really sweet scene

Aw Bobby gets Athena ^-^

This was such a good fucking episode yo. Like the way the idea of being stuck had to do with the 911s lives while also all of the calls they went one were being physically stuck and the way the proposal instigated Chim’s breakdown to allow him to finally move on…. just. Excellent television!!!!

So proud of Maddie!!!! So proud of everybody this episode :)

Buck yeah you gotta move out buddy

2x05

ASKFJHASJLAD this has gotta be fake im sdlfkjsaldk

LMAOOOO THIS BITCH she’s gonna end up actually getting hurt

OMFGGGGGGGG this bitch had it coming

DONT WE KNOW YOUUUUUUUUU THE PORCH PIRATE?? ASLDKJFALKSS

What is this girls fucking problem with Maddie lmaaooooooo fuck off

Awe this lady with the muffin or whatever is so sweet. This places Celine dion 😂😂😂 queen

Lmao wait why is she actually horrible 😂😭😭

BUCKETTE LMAOOOOO

Omg Maddie and Athena are so fun

THEYRE PROTESTING HOMOSEXUALITY??? WHAT THE FUCK

HES A FUCKING RACIST TOO???

I CAN HELP YOU WITH THE SWEDISH HALF BUT I DONT KNOW WHICH HALF THAT IS SLKDFJASLK EDDIE

I love Maddie and Athena so much alsdkfj

WHATS HER FACE? EVA? STRAIGHT UP BITCH JFC

Gloria im sorry but you’re getting what you deserve.

LKAJSDALKS. “People who yell and scream and cry and expect you to do something for them” GIRL YOU ARE LITERALLY A 911 RESPONDER THAT IS YOUR GOT DAMN JOB???

“Do they ever think of anything but themselves and what they need?” THEY ARE USUALLY DYING GLORIA

“SNITCHES GET STITCHES” JEEZ WOMAN

I feel so bad for Hen and Karen :( Eva can fuck off dude. Can’t they get sharing rights with the dad? I mean yeah it sucks that Eva is just doing this to fuck em over but like.. the dad still deserves to get to know his son if he wants to. Though Eva would probably try to stay with him just to turn Denny against Hen and Karen… UGHHHHHH

Lil denny :( aw Hen. I love her sm

Hen what u doing girl…. Cant it make the case more difficult if you keep interacting with Eva?

I love Karen and Hen sm 🥺

WHAT YOU DOING HEN. ARE YOU JUST GONNA LEAVE HER???

YOURE FINGERPRINTS ARE ON HER NOW DUDE. GO BACK

Ugh I hate that she lived but it was the right thing to do….

“I save awful people every day its my job” Hell yeah girl

SHES GOING BACK TO JAIL HELL YEAH

Dont love cheering for her going back tho jail can be terrible…. But at least she’ll be out of Karen and hens lives. we’re not meant to think too deeply about this is.

LOVE MADDIE AND ATHENA

GLORIA IS THE FUCKING WORST

oh…. gloria… damn.

Cant you just share custody?? :( I mean it sucks but like… just talk to him.

“Yeah people can be awful… but not everyone is awful… but you’ll never know what kind of person someone is unless you give them the chance to show you” :(

WOW THE DAD IS THE FUCKING BEST?? HELL YEAH

ATHENA AND BOOBBY ARE SO FUCKING CUTE

Wow the last shot of the episode thats like the long shot at the dinner table with the narration was real fucking good :( im emo.

2x06

ADSLFJLK;ALSD. BUCK THOUGHT SHE WAS CALLING EDDIE CUTE BUT SHE MEANT CHIMNEY

listen. I do know what happens between those two and I am very excited.

Oh no maddies so anxiousssss

Buck fangirling over this reporter lady im asldkjflksad

“But the way they cared for me, thats what kept me alive” :( Hen :(

Omg are Athenas kids like the same age as Bobbys :(

SOMEONE SENT THEM EDIBLES????? OMFGGGGGG

OH NO CHIM IS THE ONLY ONE THATS SOBER

THIS WOMAN HAS A HIGH HEEL STICKING OUT OF HER FACE EWWWW ITS SO GROSS

DID THESE BEAUTY QUEENS SHRINK OR ARE WE SUDDENLY GIANTS ALKDSJFLKAKL

TEEN TINY THE WAY HIS VOICE FUCKING CRACKED

SDKFJSKDA THEYRE ALL FUCKING HIGH IM

HIGH BOBBY IS SO FUCKIN FUNNY

Oh no eddies upsetttttt 😂

This is fucking HILARIOUS

Oh no bobbyyyyyyyy :((((((

Awe the news piece was so nice

CHIMNEY AND MADDIEEEEEEE

Oh shes got a fucking POPCORN MAKER IM SO JEALOUS

Wow Taylor was really going to use the footage :/

“Just get a room already” BUCK NOOOO DUDE

The way bobby always fist bumps Athenas son whenever they say hello/goodbye. So fun 🥺good content right there

DONT TELL ME THEYRE GONNA ASK HIM TO BE IN THE PIC????

OMGGGGG BOBBYYYYYYY IM CRYINGGGGGG

AWE AND THE FUCKING SONG; WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU MAKE ROOM YOU PROBABLY NEVER LOVED SOMEONE LIKE I DO

[fairycosmos]

hi chloe im having like a little mental breakdown lol like my anxiety is so bad that i want to hide in a corner for the next 5 years. and all because i called my mom and she got slightly irritated over nothing so i just hung up on her because i started crying. aaand now i feel like a sensitive little bitch because every time she sounds even slightly mad i just shutdown or start to cry and i guess thats because when i was younger or until i moved out she yelled at me, threw things and threatened me a lot so now i cant handle that but i feel so stupid and immature about it ugh idk and ive been clean from selfharm for almost 6 months but this is really pushing me to stupid shit because that always how i handled it as a kid

angellll :( im so sorry to hear this. i know it won't actually do much to change how awful youre feeling rn but i want to sincerely say that you're NOT being overly sensitive. decades of abuse and mistreatment especially during your formative years can make it very difficult to communicate with your parents and all the blame falls on them over it, i promise. it's not easy to let go of a lifetime of having to be hyper aware of their voice tone and attitude in order to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe. i am so sorry and it is NOT your fault. youre having a very normal human reaction to being hurt. it's completely understandable if you need to have a cry and break down a little while the worst of this washes over you. let it happen, but dont try to hold onto it either. it is going to pass and i am so proud of you for getting through it. you are not stupid or immature, you're a person with feelings and you deserve better than what you've had to put up with.

i understand that self harm is addictive and can become a habit and a go-to, i totally get you. at the same time, i really want you to know that six months clean is incredibe and it definitively proves that you do NOT need to engage in it in order to cope. relapse can be a part of recovery of course, but it's so important to try and focus on the fact that you dont deserve to harm yourself over somebody elses words and actions (or at all, over anything, ever.) is there anything at all you usually do that helps you get through the urge without self harming? im talking anything - sobbing, screaming into a pillow, talking to your friends/a trusted family member, journaling, going for a walk, holding ice cubes, breathing exercises, calling a mental health hotline, watching a comfort show. i wanna make it clear that im not saying these simple tasks are solutions to your very heavy and clearly complex situation, and i dont want to undermine it in any way. theyre just little techniques that can be used to help you get through the day, or even the hour or the moment. your brain will probably try to do all it can to convince you that these things are pointless but honestly, even just removing yourself from the vicinity of potentially harmful objects and giving yourself space to breathe and recalibrate and regain perspective can do wonders. if you regularly see a therapist or a mental health professional, i really recommend letting them know what happened so you have the opportunity to talk through and process your feelings, and maybe come up with a care plan to stop this recurring at least to this extent in the future. your mam is a dickhead and you dont need anyones permission to process pain. im sending you so much love and i really hope you're able to nurse yourself through this one step at a time. take care ok x

*so sorry i can't currently tag trigger warnings but i will asap

https://www.northpointrecovery.com/blog/let-the-healing-begin-11-tips-to-overcoming-emotional-abuse/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now/

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[ginnypotterlightning]

Ranking of the Harry Potter Books based off my Reread

For anyone who is not aware, this is my 4th or 5th time reading the Harry Potter books (I honestly don’t know). I started rereading it during my senior year of college, read the first one and then stopped in the middle of the second one, sometime, the following year I finished the Chamber of Secrets, I have no idea when I started Prisoner of Azkaban, but I didn’t seriously start rereading them until the end of 2019 or beginning of 2020. It took me a little bit to properly get back into reading, where it was enjoyable, and I could sustain reading more than just reading a few pages before putting down the book. And luckily I can now say I have repaired my relationship with reading that college oh so nicely damaged, anyways now on to my ranking. 

For this ranking I want to focus more on how enjoyable it was to read each of these books, and less on how much I enjoy the storyline of each of these books, I feel like another reread will be required to properly reform my list, but it does feel like it has changed.

Starting from the bottom:

At 7th Place is

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

While this book has always been one of my favorite books of the series I did not find it as enjoyable this time. Since I read HP1 and started HP3 in 2018 I feel like they are unfairly placed at the bottom, 1) because they were read during a different time period 2) They were read at the beginning of my trying to fall back in love with reading (the question is could I finish a Harry Potter book in 2 or 3 days like I used to, maybe, but now I feel too anxious if I’m not cleaning, going to the gym or what not on a down day)

(I remember 2 things about my rereading, in 2018 thinking ????? when I was reading a Lockhart scene, and in 2019 finishing the book on an overnight when I think I was the only other *** and Au was the nurse on)

in 6th Place is

Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone

This book has always been my least favorite book in the series because it has been the most difficult for me to read, I find myself consistently losing my attention span around Platform 9 and 3/4. If I’m not mistaken I did not find this re read as difficult, and I definitely cried at the end of rereading it. 

in 5th Place is

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

This book has always been my favorite, it may have fallen because of my expectations for it, but I think it had to do more to do with my lack of expectations, or more like me forgetting plot points in books 3-5 which enhanced my reading of the book. 

So far I’ve mostly been talking about the negatives about the book, in part because I don’t remember my reread of the 1st two books, but here is what I like about the Half Blood Prince.

The Half Blood Prince has always been my favorite book because it gives you a little bit of everything, the trio, the classes, Quidditch, Harry at the Dursleys, love interest, friendship, Voldemort, harry’s relationship with Dumbeldore, and a good balance of our antagonist.

This book is interesting because Voldemort isn’t in the book, and yet a decent portion of the book is about him. The memories weren’t quite as amazing as I remember them being, I particularly found the Marvolvo flashback difficult to read. When best sellers like Harry Potter come out, once you read the big storylines, it’s not as easy to forget them, and as this has been my favorite book it could’ve been harder to forget these parts, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if my head wasn’t quite at the same place as books 3-5. And then again, maybe I don’t want to admit to myself I’m not as in love with book 6 as I used to be, anyways.

Ginny and Harry and beautifully written in this book, Ginny’s character development starting in book 5 is enjoyable to read. I think reading this book, and 7, made me more uncomfortable with Ron and Hermonie, it just kind of happens, and it doesn’t feel as natural, but then again were in Harry’s head and not theirs. 

After having read HP5, I think I was disappointed in the length of this book because I wanted more, I especially loved reading about the classes, and the story of the Half Blood Prince, and while at the beginning I just said I enjoyed having the many storylines, I wish there was even more emphasize on the classes, and what Harry needs to do to become an Auror.

in 4th Place is

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Unlike HP6, I find this book to be perfectly paced. I was surprised when we were suddenly at Hogwarts, I for some reason thought there was more time before jumping off the dragon and apparating to Hogsmead. I didn’t cry as much as I have in the past while reading this, but I think it was in part from taking a month to read this book and continuously changing locations to read this, and COVID, that defs slowed down my reading.

The second half of the book is, ofc where the book shines, as we find out a lot of information, everyone is coming out of isolation and fighting, and there is more action. My one disappointment is where the book ends, I enjoy the epilogue, minus the kids names, but the final chapter left me wanting more. Like yes I wanted to see more about the aftermath of the war, but with the final last few words saying that Harry wanted to sleep and hoped Kreacher would bring him a sandwich didn’t quite hit the heart strings. But I do like that the epilogue brings us to the place where it all began, and where we now know, that Harry is happy, and no longer has this hurt he has carried with him for years (not to say the boy didn’t have PSD).

While they mention the flaw of Harry never trusting in others, or relying too much on Dumbledore, at times it was frustrating at the lack of information he gave others, it’s like you could just say youre on a secret mission as to end voldemort, but then again I guess it might have made it easier for voldemort to figure it out the more he talked about it. I hated reading the Lupin scene I cringed so much.

I forgot that Dean was captured by the snactchers, and was upset they couldn’t have added this ti the movie, but I also get it, kind of

I’ve never understood the hate for the camping scenes, they really aren’t that bad, but youre also not wrong that they’re not the most exciting scenes in the book, because ofc theyre not

in 3rd Place is

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

I picked this book up at the beginning of the year, starting from the place I had left off on weeks (or months) ago. It took me a few chapters before I was fully submerged back into the wizard of world of Harry Potter and I was soo happy.

There were elements that I forgot such as the extended backstory of the maururders. I wasn’t a huge fan of the chapter focused on scanners and crookshanks, by I also wasn’t mad at it.

Reading 3-5, as I progressed from book to book I loved what I was reading more and more.

in 2nd Place is

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I was surprised by how much I had forgotten in this particular book including the rolls or Ludo Bagman, Winky, and the killing of Bart Crouch.

Ron being upset at Harry didn’t feel as drawout as I remember (compared to the movie, that is always a question when it comes to thinking about the book, am I actually thinking about it or am I just thinking about the movie?) and SPEW wasn’t as annoying as I remember it being. This book has a different storyline as it’s following the twiwizard tournament so naturally I feel like most people find this book more exciting. The book creates the perfect building blocks for the next book, something in which the movies fail to do, but even with that, I feel like they could have done a better job at joining together the two stories even it it was coming from OOTP

in 1st Place is

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoniex

People always complain that this book is too long but I found it perfect. Right after this random event happening at hogwarts we need normalcy, we need hormonal relationship, and we have that foundation of politics which leads the book. My hatred for the book is what made me enjoy the book the most upon reread, because it really wasn’t that bad. I have been watching a booktuber review the books after I have finished each consecutive book, and Inthink she said it well in that, when you are younger you don’t understand the book as well, I’ve now experienced loss, and forms of depression. Not on the level of Harry, but on enough of a level that I can understand. I now know the intensity of your teenage years. And now emphasize with his anger at the government, and more people should be upset, he should be more upset, and again as this youtubers said Ron and Hermonie let him know when he was becoming to much or when his anger became misleaded and directed towards them but it was not in fact them who he was mad at, especially when given the full facts. I believe this is the book that I cried like the last 100 pages. The dialogue at the end of the book is brilliant.

*when comparing the books to the movies, 5-7 had the worst adaptation of the battle at the end. I was never a huge fan of OOTP battle, but the half blood prince battle made me the most upset, and everyone said that David Yates did the action scenes the best. I’ve just never been a big fan. He did a decent job at the l dealthly hallows but 5 and 6. 👎🏽

[silenceofthemongooses]

hi! I hope I'm not bothering you but I can see ur attending CU. I'm planning on applying to either the school of art or engineering, but I'm leaning more towards art. I'm really at a loss when it comes to applying, home tests,and the general enviorment of the school.. and what to do after I graduate so I was just curious on what that's all like :0 sorry for making this so long .. thank u for ur time!

OMG THIS IS THE ASK I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE I LOVE TALKING ABOUT COOPER

i’m putting it under a readmore bc it got crazy long??? i’m not even to the part where i yell about applications yet and it’s like ten paragraphs lmao

so. 

first things first. 

i applied to cooper in the first place because when i took the tour (best fucking college tour i took the whole time, by the way. all of the guides LOVE cooper and they love telling you about it, so if you get a chance, defo go on the tour bc theyre way more honest and you get a better feel for the school than on any other tour) one of the things that they emphasized was the student community., one told me that once when she walked into the EE lab and asked to borrow someone’s phone charger because hers had frayed so badly it wasn’t working. not only did someone give her a charger, but they fixed her charger until she could get a new one. 

and when i got here, it’s totally fucking true. cooper is a community in every definition of the word. everyone is totally willing to help you in any way that they can, because that’s the kind of people that cooper admits and then fosters that behavior. 

now. the reason they foster this behavior is because it’s a fucking hard school. the standard course load for a freshman engineer first semester is 18.5 credits, spread out over 7 classes plus a professional seminar. and yeah, some of those are only one or two credit classes, but they still have homework and class time. it is a rigorous schedule that only gets harder. professor alan wolf (physics, more on him later maybe? i have him next semester, we’ll see if the Rumors are true) said at an engineering faculty panel that he wants physics to be moved to first semester of freshman year (instead of second) because the transition from “an easy first semester” to a semester with physics and calc 2 was too difficult for a lot of students. everyone around me groaned when he said the first semester was easy. 

and this is just the engineering school! the art school is hard as hell too. keep in mind that what i know about the art program is just synthesized from talking to art students and not at all from personal experience. but. 

the first year of art is a foundation year. they assume you don’t know anything, and break you down to basics. the art ra in the dorms said her freshman year was incredibly hard for her both as an artist and as a person just because she was confronted with all these other talented people and having to face that she wasn’t The Artist in school anymore. i regularly leave the student lounge (menschel) at two in the morning only for art kids to walk in, holding all of their materials (although, not anymore, since someone got charcoal all over the tables in 3a lmao) and settling in for another all-nighter. 

cooper is a culture of intense rigor and stress, and there is no overcoming that. but it’s also a culture of community and supporting each other. it’s a really specific kind of school that some people find just isn’t for them. 

also, cooper is like, really small. like. very small. here are some of the things you will encounter because of cooper union’s limited budget and facilities, and which you basically have to accept:

no dining hall. there’s frankie’s cafe in the new academic building (also known as the engineering building, most commonly referred to as the nab) but otherwise there is absolutely no meal plan. frankie’s has like, sandwiches and muffins and bagels and (terrible) coffee, but it is in no way a full college dining hall. 

no gym. i think at one point we were allowed to use nyu’s facilities? no longer. almost everyone i know belongs to a gym. i myself visit the planet fitness on union square maaaybe once a month when i guilt myself into it. blink is a popular option. if you’re willing to spare the cash equinox is also there. crunch is the one that everyone kind of makes fun of but like it’s super close so go for it if you want. 

small supporting staff. this is both a blessing and a curse. i know everyone in the student affairs office by first name and usually they know me. i think at this point i’ve met everyone in the financial aid department. cool, because it means that they know me. bad, because it means i’ve had to talk to all of them to figure out what the hell is going on with my scholarships and how much money i actually know. this is not a school where there are online systems in place to fix any problems you have. you have to be your own advocate to the administration, and as much as they desperately want to help you, a lot of the time it comes down to just making sure your paperwork goes through. good news is you almost never have to make an appointment to talk to someone you just show up. 

very little interaction between the schools. there are three schools. art, architecture, and engineering. engineering is by far the most populated, followed by art, then architecture. if i didn’t live with two artists, i would never talk to anyone in art or architecture. yes, the hss classes are multidisciplinary, but just statistically, engineers far outweigh the artists. there weren’t even any architects in my hss1 class. if you don’t make the effort to reach out beyond your school, it straight up doesn’t happen. 

sometimes when you go to the basics plus to get some hangers because you ordered too many shirts online and now they’re just kind of shoved in your drawers and when the cashier asks if you have a student id and you pull out your cooper id she’s like “oh! is that local?” and you have to smile and say yes and when you walk out of the store you can see the foundation building down third with absolutely no problem

there’s more and i’ll think of them later but this is good for now

ANYWAYS i have a lot more thoughts on the culture of cooper??? but i think i’m going to leave it here because this is a decent overview of how i feel and what the most important parts are. 

now.

for applying.

again, i applied to and am in the engineering school. everything i know about the art school is based on talking to art students

also, i am in no way affiliated with the actual admissions department and the following is just based on my experiences as someone who applied and talking to other people who applied

also at first i thought you were applying this cycle and i was like. honey. this is not enough time for either application

BUT THEN i put an ounce more thought into it and realized not everyone younger than me is a high school senior lmao

anyways!

both applications are really intensive. to get art out of the way (sorry art) it’s a series of prompts that you have to create a piece in response to. some artists i know got crazy super stressed about it, and pulled so many all nighters, and skipped a lot of homework to do it, and overall just did not enjoy it. one of my artist roommates, however, said that she actually really enjoyed the process? she just let herself create without worrying “is this what will get me in?” and felt that it was a really great experience. 

either way, you’re going to have an interesting experience. 

for the engineering writing prompts, it’s a goddamn marathon. there were nine, i think, when i applied? i applied to eleven schools and i had to write seventeen supplements. the ratio of supplement-to-school was way off and its all cooper’s fault lmao

there isn’t a word minimum, but there is a word maximum per essay, a fact i discovered as i was copy-pasting mine into the commonapp from my googledocs file. i think the max is 500 words? not positive tho don’t quote me

anyways they’re all fairly standard questions. like, nothing out of the blue like chicago’s or whatever. but keep in mind that this is honestly where you’re going to get admitted. a lot of people apply to cooper. and a lot of those people will have the same exact stats as you (btw, sat/act scores and gpa matter slightly more for engineers than for artists and architects) and the way to distinguish yourself is through your writing. cooper admits you as a person because they believe you’ll add to their community and then to the world, not because you got a perfect score on whatever. 

so i, at least, let myself be a little freer in my cooper essays than in any other supplement. some of them i could answer right away (why cooper? why engineering?) and some of them i had to think about for a few days. the last one i wrote was the “tell us about something you read recently”. i wrote about staying up until three in the morning reading a novel and crying. i wrote it the next day because i realized that’s like, exactly who i am as a person. 

the biggest tip i have for writing these essays in general (not just for cooper) is to watch food network star or something similar. the contestants get prompted on how to hook an audience (hey, you want to do that too!) in a short amount of time (word count) and tell a story that relates to both them and their food (a story that relates to you and and why you’re going to be a bombass cooper student) like, just watch a few, and then you’ll kind of have the flow of it down, and you can figure out how to work it into your own writing

just like, really show who you are. i know it can be tempting to put on this facade, and to a certain extent you should (do not, for example, tell them about the time you got so drunk you pissed your pants) but do your best to express yourself, in either application. 

um anyways i am always down to talk about any aspect of The Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Art, so if you ever want any more info on anything, hit up my inbox!

my points of expertise include the dorms, classes, stanislav mintchev the greatest math professor in the history of the world, ray’s pizza, sitting in the engineering student council meetings and listening to all the Hot Goss, and more

i mighttttt end up putting up like “a week in my life” post at some point because i always think those are cool and maybe it would be neato

we’ll see

(if anyone want to see that…… or anything else……. lmk……..)

[bwicblog]

SA: i have never seen a small troll so happy in my life.

SA: I bought them ice cream.

TT: what flavor TT: if you say smTh like vanilla you are going To a(\/)Tually die

SA: why do you hate vanilla so much?

SA: I bought them what they liked best.

SA: it was butter pecan.

ID: guess what chat, i'm bored and bitchy so someone should give me a reason not to be.

ID: or a reason to be more bitchy. that works too.

DD: i think i would prefer to give you a reason to be less bitchy

DD: and in light of that it might be worth asking what you are feeling bitchy about!

DD: you can think of it as talking about your problems but also lets be real gossip is fun and bitching about yout bitchy feelings is cathartic

ID: pff well at least you're honest about why you're concerned. =:P i'm just bitchy because of some stuff that happened that i'm not about to share on the chat. for fear of the wrong eyes seeing.

ID: so sorry, no gossip!

DD: well thats unfortunate clearly i have no reason to keep talking to you DD: im joking of course i am sorry that bad things happened the fun part of gossip is getting together with friends to trash talk the people you dislike not the nature of the suffering itself DD: in the end it is my overall preference that my friends do not feel shitty DD: and as we have totally established we are at least on the first tier of friendship >:D

ID: you a trash talking pro then there daz? =:P i'll have to remember not to upset you. so you can't drag my good name through the mud.

ID: the first step of a long climb, you gotta be dedicated to this friendship.

DD: well okay to be honest i am not usually the one doing the trash talking unless it is in respect to my mechanical equipment some of which has developed an attitude as a result of the artificial intelligence frames i have installed to assist me with my work but that is more affectionate trashtalking like one might perform when calling their pet cuttlefish fat DD: mostly it is my friend trash talking but when i have issues i have to acknowledge usually it is me messing up like it was earlier with prisma and in those cases i just kind of go be by myself a bit because trash talking is fun but me crying to someone is significantly less so

DD: and of course i am dedicated or well as dedicated as i have reason to be which is to say you are fun to talk to and i can see myself doing so for the forseeable future but i am afraid i am not yet ready to lay down my life for you no matter how much colorful claw varnish you introduce me to

ID: man can you type. or is this a talk to text program. either way you're fast. and wordy.

ID: not saying its bad.

ID: before you get offended.

DD: i type very quickly but i am told i talk very quickly as well it is sometimes a problem but unfortunately i have a hard time telling when it is appropriate to stop because really i want to say all of the things that are relevant and i think theyre all important DD: also i am not offended dont worry you are only saying the truth

ID: and you should trash talk more, it's great.

DD: i dont really have anybody to trash talk though!

DD: except maybe the people on team jaycob

DD: they have awful taste that is quite worthy of trashing

ID: so far i don't think we've seen any of them around.

DD: the problem remains! 😦

DD: to clarify that is a sarcastic smiley i am not actually that torn up over the issue of not having a fight to pick with people and i am afraid i have been coming of as sufficiently ditzy lately that that may be unclear

ID: hahah, well. if it makes you feel better chat rooms are hard to guage that sort of shit.

ID: though some people put /s at the end of sarcastic remarks to indicate sarcasm.

DD: i feel like thats a little bit too on the nose sometimes

ID: also the colorful claw varnish is the best and you're really missing out by not going out and purchasing some that changes color.

DD: but its still probably better than a long paragraph explaining my intentions so i will keep it in mind!

ID: it's hella fun to run under different temperatured water.

ID: just use it when you reallllyyyy don't want someone to get offended.

DD: and oh dear well that is what we are going shopping for later isnt it! DD: there is not very much of anything at all to buy here in such a small town though admittedly the local burgers are delicious and its always more fun to buy that sort of thing in person with friends than just ordering it online for drone delivery

ID: because when they're already het up a long explanation can make it worse.

DD: why would people be offended?

ID: also yeah you probably went to the same burger place as i did with gliese and they had some fantastic burgers.

ID: because it can come off as...

ID: what's the word.

ID: that means you're talking down to a troll because you think they're dumb.

DD: condescending!

ID: that.

DD: and oh dear that makes sense DD: i think that was the issue with my apology explanation earlier as well DD: i was worried that i might be misrepresenting myself and i did not want prisma to think i was acting out of malice but really it came off like i thought he was dumb

DD: that sucks 😦

ID: yeah, it's a slippery slope of being understood and coming off as a prick.

ID: slipperier for you since you're a fish.

DD: !!

DD: what do you mean

ID: ....look, you know how stereotypes work right.

ID: the biggest stereotype for a fish for us lowbloods is that every troll with fins is a jerk.

DD: i have had little experience with socializing with large numbers of people DD: i have had much experience with watching tv

DD: and oh dear

DD: ... i guess i knew that i just didnt really think about it or how it might apply to me

ID: yeahhh. see you're in a position where you can just. not apply things to yourself and be safe doing it.

ID: where us lowerbloods have to be more wary and careful.

ID: better to assume a highblood is gonna mess you up. rather than trust one and get fucked up. y'know?

DD: ... yeah

DD: that makes sense DD: D:

DD: ... do i maybe come off like a person that would mess somebody else up though like generally stereotypes aside

ID: well i mean.

ID: if you were really devoted.

ID: some fish like to play the long con.

DD: the long con??

DD: i mean i understand what you mean i just dont understand why that would be something that you might be concerned about somebody else doing

ID: ...because i like living.

ID: and am also maybe a little paranoid.

DD: hm! DD: i am just asking because i mean yes i understand that i am a seadweller and this means i am sturdier than most lowbloods but also there are other seadwellers fully capable of hurting me too both physically emotionally socially and financially and in fact i have recently narrowly escaped an assassination attempt but i suppose i still do not see that much reason to be consistently concerned about somebody playing a long con on me DD: thought maybe that is why somebody tried to cull me so you may have a point in that respect

ID: hahah why did they try to assassinate you...? =:/

ID: is that what happened to your horns.

DD: yes!

DD: and i suppose it is because i am one of the two chief executives of a very rapidly successful starship tech company and there are some issues with you know brand competition

DD: and resentment because the field thus far has been dominated primarily by long-standing memebers of it an i am fairly young as well as the issue that well

iD: oh. yeah. cut-throat business, they don't like the new fish muscling in on things. i get it. i mean it's shitty but i understand.

DD: one of the other recent entrants into the field of helmstechnology development is qpin and they are uniquely known for their ruthless competitiveness though of course i cant strictly say that they were behind it

DD: though my co-ceo says it was likely them because the queenpin is the head and she has a lot of trouble in terms of competitiveness on account of being a jadeblood

DD: but all of that is politics and i am afraid that i am not particularly great at it and i have no idea who it was

ID: ...also jeesh i guess i should have. expected you to be working on helm shit since you're at the helm station. i'm kinda glad you're not allowed to talk about what you're developing now.

ID: but congrats on not dying.

ID: or becoming too maimed to continue working.

ID: sorry about the horns though.

DD: thank you!!

DD: i appreciate your celebration of my narrow avoidance of death : P

DD: also what is wrong with as you phrased it helm shit?

DD: i will refrain from talking about it if it makes you uncomfortable but i am afraid i dont understand

ID: you're the only person who is apparently willing to chat tonight so i'm glad you survived long enough to chat. =:P

ID: i don't like helm shit. it's like.

ID: the text version of claws on a chalkboard for me.

DD: truly high accolades

SA: nobody asked if they wanted me in the chat :/

DD: and oh my goodness well i will keep that in mind

DD: umm

ID: pris! sorry, i assumed you were napping.

SA: i'm teasing.

DD: i think maybe the assumption was that you were not present on account of earlier hads said-

DD: oh

DD: oops

ID: =:P

ID: 💚

DD: 💜 >:D

DD: do you maybe have anything that you would like to trash talk about because we have recently arrived at the conclusion that it is a worthwhile endeavor but i have nobody to trash talk and hads is being very secretive about the source of his miffedness

ID: yeah pris, give us some trash talk. =:P

SA: oh.

SA: um.

SA: ...

SA: this is. rather hard.

DD: unless of course you would like to join hads in the club of secretiveness which i assume is alternatively titled the club of the subjects of the trash talking being potentially present in the chatroom at a later date?

SA: no, I have no secret salt. I have made most of it known.

ID: yeah pris is a pretty honest guy.

DD: oh in that case what is difficult?

SA: I do not tend to hold on to animosity for extreme periods of time.

SA: It takes energy I do not have.

SA: I would rather reserve it for stopping hadean from getting into a bonus fight after Ashley.

SA: let me think.

ID: =:PPPP

DD: oh dear DD: see that statement there sounds a little bit like salt though maybe perhaps not the sort that is meant to be a source of amusement

ID: i need a post-victory fight tho pris!

SA: i think that it's very stupid that high bloods become very offended when I enter their space.

SA: they can't stand the idea i have as much money as them.

SA: that is sufficiently salty.

DD: also i think i understand that i tend to not hold onto angry feelings for very long but i in general am a lot more inclined to be sad rather than mad

ID: i'll take it! that's some salt. fuck them for getting snooty.

DD: and i appreciate the pun there though i am not sure what you mean DD: i dont find you offensive to be around at all

ID: the stereotypical fish daz.

DD: oh this is about stereotypes again

SA: it must be hard to live life with such a fragile ego that because someone is well-tailored and capable of pulling several thousand out of their wallet in cash, you must threaten them as much as possible to feel powerful again.

ID: do i gotta punch someone for you pris?

SA: you do not need a post victory fight you need a post-victory ice cream and bandaids.

ID: =:PPPP

SA: also dazzle I am regularly somewhat salty at Hadean. it is the spice of our friendship.

DD: yes seconding hads though more in spirit of concern rather than desire to actually punch anybody what i mean is that it sounds like you recently had a bad experience

DD: is that why hads is the saltlick

SA: yes but taht's also because he's salty anyways.

SA: ❤

ID: is salt a spice now.

ID: 💚

DD: <3< ??

ID: what.

SA: i did not recently have one, no. It just happens when I leave the loft. I live in West Haven, which is majority high-bloods.

ID: no. definitely no.

DD: platonic spade i suppose but i cannot find it in blue

DD: or purple or green

SA: oh no. It's not like that at all.

SA: I thought salt was a spice... is something only a spice if it grows?

ID: idk.

ID: daz is salt a spice.

DD: i am going to say yes though mostly out of convenience for the sake of making puns and less because i actually know

SA: oh.

SA: well that's as good of an answer as any.

DD: although on the topic of growing i can at least say acid is often used to spice food underwater so

DD: there is at least that

SA: that sounds like. hell.

SA: but i suppose i won't judge i eat scorpions.

ID: ...how does. acid food taste...?

ID: does acid impart a flavor?

SA: is it citrus-y, dazzle

DD: that depends on the acid you use i suppose sometimes it is bitter and other times it is more sour and unfortunately i cannot tell you if it is citrusy on account of i have never had a citrus fruit though it does not taste much like orange candies if that helps

DD: also it is often used to cook food not just season it

ID: huh.

ID: weird.

SA: you should try an orange sometime. they are wonderful

DD: more weird than eating scorpions?? :{

DD: and apparently also squirrels

ID: i like berries the best out of fruit. but they're usually more expensive.

SA: I do not eat rodents.

ID: since they spoil quicker.

ID: i eat squirrels. =:P

SA: horrid.

ID: any port in a storm pris.

DD: i will have to try both oranges and berries in that case maybe even a smoothie consisting of both 😄

SA: do not do that.

SA: Orange is a very particular flavor.

DD: i am taking this landdweller food thing step by step

DD: oh

DD: interesting

SA: citrus pairs well with other citrus.

ID: try orange juice.

ID: that's easy to find.

SA: lemon and lime, for example. Or Mango and orange.

SA: yes.

SA: orange juice.

ID: mango is a citrus? =:????

SA: ,...I always thought it was.

SA: "While both citrus and tropical fruits are grown in warm climates, citrus fruits refer specifically to the genus of flowering fruits in the Rutaceae family, which include oranges, grapefruits and lemons as well as certain other species and hybrids such as the pomelo, key lime and citron. Mango is not a citrus"

SA: now I'm mad at Hadean for telling me mango is not a citrus.

DD: i think i will just buy a pile of fruit

DD: and see which ones i enjoy

SA: and ruining sweeps of disbelief.

ID: ...i mean. mangos are too sweet for a citrus.

ID: was my logic.

SA: are... are oranges not sweet to you.

ID: not as sweet as a mango!

ID: oranges have that citrus taste!

SA: make sure you learn how to prepare them, Dazzle.

DD: you mean you cant eat them raw??

ID: yeah but some of them you don't eat the outsides.

ID: like citrus fruits.

DD: maybe i can go to a fruit restaurant

SA: just putting a mango in your mouthi s not the most brilliant idea.

ID: but you can eat the outside of a mango can't you?

SA: no.

SA: you also can't eat the outside of a banana.

SA: or.

SA: You can but it will make you very sad.

SA: I learned this the hard way.

SA: It was unfortunate.

ID: 'Answer: Although the pit of a mango isn't considered edible, some people do eat the mango skin. The skin is bitter-tasting, but the peel contains several healthful chemical compounds, including powerful antioxidants mangiferin, norathyriol, and resveratrol.'

ID: i have no idea what any of those words mean.

SA: so the short version is it will make you sad.

SA: healthy.

SA :but sad.

DD: i need to be healthier i think but i do not want to be more sad

DD: but maybe the health will be making up for it because honestly most of my sadness as of late has come from my health

SA: are you of poor constitution?

ID: i'll be honest and admit i've never eaten a mango. so i was guessing on eating the skin.

DD: not usually!!!

DD: i am just

ID; adjusting to being on land?

DD: not used to living on the land and everything is very dry and my gills hurt a lot and everything tastes weird so i am also hungry all the time

DD: and also everything is very hot

SA: you would probably be happier in a bay area.

SA: why they let you move to a desert

SA: Is beyond me.

ID: because of the station pris.

SA: yes, but... why put it there.

ID: close to a lowblood settlement.

DD: because it is a remote location where i am unlikely to be found again by the person who previously attempted to assassinate me and also because there is a psionic training station that is located in the area on account of it being a lowblood locale with a high psionic concentration

SA: oh so abducting.

DD: and that is very useful for my research

ID: easy to lure them away from a shitty town to be experimented on.

DD: i mean i am

DD: unsure i would phrase it that way

DD: ... the luring not the town thing the town is pretty shitty

ID: good thing i did it for you.

DD: oh dear

ID: you're poor and life sucks and maybe your lusus is dead and you're scared.

ID: some highblood offering you candy if you come to his station sounds pretty good.

DD: actually i believe most of the recruiting is done through online means

SA: a more polite way of saying it would be that it is often easier to accept being an pet and know you are cared for than it is to be free and struggle.

ID: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my point remains.

DD: and the payment tends to be in caegars and i know that is not what you mean i simply think you maybe are not representing it very accurately

ID: it's still sucky to do.

ID: most of those trolls have to choose between that and death.

DD: i mean it is also kind of sucky to work public service at a cafe but

ID: ...i mean a cafe doesn't screw things in to you.

SA: being a living experiment and test subject is very different from being subject to a screaming indigo about how their latte was not enough foam.

ID: you can leave a shitty cafe job.

SA: ...do they foam lattes...

SA: I dont know.

SA: I have the all the time, and I have never thought about it.

ID: and you're probably less likely to die in a cafe job.

ID: or fry your psi.

ID: and probably get culled for that.

DD: well i mean first of all the only test subjects are the two cerulean trolls i believe and also the people that volunteer to help me out but that part is not mandatory the main purpose of this station is to prepare trolls that have been conscripted for helmservice for an easier transition upon ascension and also accept anybody that would like to volunteer for the service without conscription not

DD: testing things really

ID: yeah well i bet if you asked a lot of wrigglers why they volunteered.

ID: you'd get a lot of 'i didn't have any other option' answers.

DD: hm

DD: i guess i do not know

SA: does it not

SA; unsettle you.

ID: you sure don't! but the first step is realizing you don't know.

SA: that our ships are using an archiac biotechnical method of power when we could built a technical system or a disocnnecting system for them.

SA: My pilot training used my inhibitor to join and disconnect me from a ship without hurting me in the slightest.

SA: and yet this isn't the norm.

ID: man you also hear those stories about them chopping a helms' fronds off.

ID: since they don't need them for anything.

DD: well as a starship technician i kind of have to argue your useage of the word archaic because the biotech we have developed is currently eons ahead of our purely mechanical methods of transportation which are heavily limited by both fuel systems and speed and also i am not sure that you are hearing accurate stories about limb removal that is definitely not a standard practice and would probably be actively detrimental to the process and helmsman adjustment and biowire integration DD: as would be constantly placing the pilot into painful situations upon connect and reconnect though maybe that may be the case withoutdated systems??? DD: the point of helmsman system design is to ensure a fluid and efficient connection

ID: ...huh.

ID: i mean tbh i never really paid attention to schoolfeeding about helms since. you gotta figure that stuff is just propaganda to make you think it's great.

DD: a decent amount of it probably is but that is the case with all fleet propaganda!! which is not necessarily a bad thing to be honest if you ask me personally because focusing on the negative aspects of a situation is never going to motivate anybody when you think about it regardless of what the job it

ID: i mean the ratio of cons to pros of some jobs are a lot easier to swallow than others. =:P

DD: that is very true DD: i would not want to be a garbage person i am not ashamed to admit this

ID: and i like walking.

DD: or a fighter like sipara i am fairly sturdy but i do not like being attacked

ID: if you could not tell by my adventurer lifestyle.

ID: and you can say that i can explore wayyyy more stuff in a ship but i'm pretty sure it is soooo not the same.

DD: haha yes that is true i suppose i do not consider it much considering i am both very fond of swimming over walking and also my experience on starships as a nonpsionic troll involves not very much walking anyways

DD: partially because i am stuck in my coon trying to adjust to orbit but also primarily because there is also not much room to walk

ID: ...i guess since i've already dived in to this ball of squick i might as well ask since you'd know best.

ID: does like. your kind of psi make you better or worse or not usable for a helm?

DD: yes very much so!

DD: there is a psionic ranking system of course in terms of the amount of raw power available but also the type of psionics make a difference for example cerulean psychics and indigos are not functional for ship powering at all and varieties among lowbloods that exhibit nonphysical properties such as clairvoyance are typically not high enough on the actual kinetic energy production to be able to power a ship with any efficiency as conversion to a useable power source is often very inefficient and also takes up energy in the process which rather defeats the point

DD: for example telekinetic type psionics tend to be the most effective for helming while more psychically oriented powers are not

SA: sometimes hybridization allows multifaceted psionics but it's also very rare in natural occurance.

SA: i can pilot a starfighter with my telekinesis as long as the ship and my inhibitor are programmed to allow the link through.

Sa: But an entire ship wuld be beyond me.

SA; and for the most part starfighters rely on a psion's ability to generate shields and manipulate other variables for a quicker reactions time, but not flight itself.

DD: there are also augments that assist with that!

ID: hahahah okay can this be enough helms talk now.

ID: i've exceeded my comfort zone.

DD: that is part of what the psionic training facility that i am part of helps with-

DD: oh dear my apologies

DD: i will stop!

SA: 😃

ID: i mean i asked so it's fine.

ID: just. new convo now plzkthx.

ID: ...i mean i should volunteer a new subject huh.

ID: pris did you have dinner?

ID: both of you for that matter.

ID: miss hungry because i don't eat.

SA: ...

SA: maybe.

ID: =>:I the ice cream you had earlier isn't dinner btw.

SA: i had a fruit salad.

DD: dinner??

DD: ...

DD: oh dear

DD: i am afraid i lost track of time

DD: i was going to say i did have dinner but that feels as though it was a long time ago and it occurs to me that that may have been dinner yesternight and it is possible that part of my discomfort with my health is because i am actually very hungry

ID: i'm gonna make you both set alarms to eat. =>:(

ID: a fruit salad and ice cream isn't enough for a night pris.

SA: mrmrm.

SA: I'll be back in a bit.

ID: if you get lonely while eating call sips' mobile and i'll steal it to vid chat. =:P

SA: well I may as well call it now then.

SA: i am.

SA: go find it.

ID: woofbesat, fetch. i see how it is. =:PPP

DD: i unfortunately tend to not notice my alarms it has been somewhat detrimental my friend used to ahve somebody come pull me away from my work and i thought it was sillybut now i am realizing it was probably very necessary

ID: get one of those bracelets that vibrate as an alarm.

ID: they might work better.

DD: but also that is my cue to go find food before i keel over and die so goodbye it was lovely talking to you and also that is a good idea i should find one of those

ID: ...damnit now the chat is empty again. =>:(

VC: Not quite.

VC: I'm taking a rrest on a courrierr trip, what's everryone else up to?

ID: uh i sent all the hungry skeletons off to eat because they all forget or think that a fruit salad is a meal.

ID: so they're doing that. and i'm just sitting here twiddling ym thumbs and watching pris eat on vid-chat on another mobile.

ID: ....is it rude to text someone while watching another troll in a vid chat.

SA: i'm talking.

SA: asshole.

SA: that. that wasn't serious

VC: Oh, I don't think I've met you before, SA.

SA: Hello.

SA: I am prisma.

ID: =:P i can multitask pris!

VC: I'm Cennef. And you and Hadean apparently know each other well, I take it?

ID: yeah we're buds.

ID: pris is cool, so be nice to him. =:P

SA: cennef. it's nice to meet you.

VC: He's yellow, what reason do I have to _not_ be civil?

VC: It's not like he's one of this room's silly highbloods.

VC: You seem well-mannerrred, so I agrree in turrn.

ID: he can speak kinda highblood-y sometimes but it was just how he was raised so don't pick on him. =:P

VC: Mannerrs and phrrassing of some things isn't an exclusive highblood trrait. I harrdly would.

VC: Pherrres talks like he's trrrying to sound cerrulean sometimes and that doesn't botherr me.

ID: i mean glad you understand that. some lowbloods get so offended when you use a 'highblood' term!

ID: like saying tub is gonna turn you blue.

VC: Ha. I may not carre forr highbloods, but - oh _rreally_

VC: Using theirr language isn't exactly a sin.

VC: That's rridiculous.

ID: you've never met a lowblood who got all snooty with you over it?

ID: the 'uhm, did you mean ABLUTION TRAP?' types?

VC: I suppose I have now that I think of it, but they arren't exactly trrolls I spent a lot of time arround.

VC: My ex quads werren't like that at all, norr arre any of my currrent frriends.

ID: wise move. there's having a grudge against highbloods and then there's overcull.

VC: I rreally only have a grrrudge against _one_ highblood, but I do lack fondness forr them in generral.

SA: i overcull teal bloods.

VC: Though perrhaps it might be prrrudent to stop talking about it in case any of them do come in.

SA: they have always patronized me.

SA: 😉

VC: Pfft, what

VC: I know you'rre joking, but I don't rreally get it

ID: hahah, it's a chat thing. we joke that teals are the worst because they're in the middle so they lash out more.

VC: Ohhhh

VC: To be honest, I have only met one tealblood outside of deliverries, which don't rreally count.

VC: He was...verrry odd.

ID: that's a tealblood for you.

VC: Well, he wasn't a lawtroll orr anything. He was some sorrt of perrforrmer.

ID: ...huh. was it the dumpster troll.

ID: ...do you know what i'm talking about. probably not.

VC: ...he cerrtainly _belonged_ in a dumpsterr but otherrwise no, I do not.

VC: Mine talked like some sorrt of flowerrry idiot and called himself barrd.

VC: Is that what this dumpsterr trroll did.

ID: yes!

VC: Oh my god.

SA: why is there a known dumpster dweller.

ID: he got ceruleans mad about historical bulge piercings.

SA; what dessert should I get?

VC: _Oh my god._

ID: and they threw him in a dumpster.

ID: ...the fluffy one.

VC: For once. I am on the bluebloods' side.

VC: _What is wrong with him._

VC: Correction.

VC: How many things arrre wrrong with him.

ID: and then he started dueling them in the dumpster.

VC: Though I'd probably be -

VC: _Highbloods._

ID: until someone came and rescued his hide.

ID: it was hilarious.

VC: That's completely rrridiculous.

ID: it was. but that made it hilarious.

ID: so what are you delivering...?

VC: Sorry, I was getting back on the road. I have my phone on talk-to-text now. It's some sorrrt of book collection for this olive.

ID: you're fine. how are you traveling? and that sounds. boring.

VC: Haha, I have no clue. They could be about stunning adventurrres, for all I know. I don't usually get told the details of what I deliverrr, unless they'rre imporrtant forr trransit.

VC: I rrride my lusus.

VC: She's not exactly a hoofbeast orr anything, but she can go at a decent pace with a trroll as small as I am.

ID: heyy a troll after my own pumper. though my lusus is a variety of hoofbeast.

VC: Ohh, what kind?

ID: antelope kind. but one of the big ones. he can carry me and my stuff no problem. and we have similar rocking racks.

VC: Pfft. Do you now.

VC: I have decently sized horns myself.

ID: about time. like this chat is mostly nubhorn central.

VC: I can prrrove I am not nubhorned.

VC: Ignorre the goofy exprression, this is just what I had on frrond. Also unforrrtunately I should pay attention to the terrrain now, it's getting rrough.

ID: huh. sorry i've not got an image right on hand to share. and i'm not in the prettiest shape for selfies, so you'll just have to take me at my word. =:P

VC: Haha

VC: Well I fully expect one laterrr

VC: But underrstandable - ow

VC: I rreally _should_ stop talking, dammit

ID: your lusus bad at navigating?

SA: the fluffy one

SA: that didn't tell me anything...

ID: point the camera at the menu for me.

SA: there...

ID: uhhh. the lemon tart thingy. since you said you like citrus.

SA: okay.

SA: delicious...

ID: you're welcome. =:P

[stingchronicity]

do............. all of them

omg emily thank you ily

Purple: 10 facts about my room

1. the walls are a terrible shade of green (not my choice)

2. my favourite poster on my wall is my Brain Salad Surgery poster and sometimes i spend hours just looking at Keith bc he makes me happy

3. i don’t have any shelves so i keep my records lined up on the floor and there are so many of them that they take up approx. 1/3 of my floor

4. i have a glass drafting table that i love, and when i did more graphite drawings i used to have it tilted up all the time, but ever since i started doing more paintings, it’s been set flat (plus there’s a bunch of shit on it)

5. there is a caricature of myself and keith emerson holding hands on my wall (done by a lovely woman i met in the last hospital i stayed in)

6. i also have a lot of my own art on my walls (foxtrot painting, abacab fantasies, steve winwood painting, bloody piano, rush logo, smirky tony banks, red keith, a thing i did for david bowie, a bloody flower, and the valentine i made for keith)

7. i have 4 (used to have 5) calendars on my wall and they’re all out of date

8. i have a copy of queen’s Hot Space vinyl on my wall and also a ceramic mask with balloons on it

9. the records i can see from the spot i’m sitting at right now are Honky by Keith Emerson, the first Asia album, The Kids Are Alright by the Who, and Love Beach by ELP

10. i keep the following things on my bed: first off i have my purple/pink/blue comforter and the matching sheets and pillow cases (2 pillows), and then i have a throw blanket that’s black and white and very soft; a really thin and cool to the touch Mickey Mouse sheet that was my mom’s in the 70s (i like to snuggle it in the summer bc its somehow always cold); greg lake pillow (from my own redbubble); a star shaped rainbow pillow (i call him carl !!) which i got from my sister; a hello kitty bunny (don’t remember the character’s name) plushie with a carrot (i call him keith ♥️️) which is one of the toys i had as a baby; Mr. Bonks the giant panda plushie which was a valentine’s gift; and most importantly !! keith blanket (from the amazing @moogotron) and keith pillow (which i bought myself) !! my most prized possessions !!

Blue: 9 facts about my family

1. we’re chinese/costa rican

2. we usually just speak english but sometimes we speak ~spanglish~

3. i have a love/hate relationship with my sister

4. i’m decently close with my parents although my dad can be an asshole

5. my brother is dead to me bc he gave me PTSD and basically killed my innocence

6. my entire family is fairly ableist except my mom who at least tries to be understanding

7. i have one nephew (age 6) who is my brother’s child, and two nieces (aged almost 2 and the other is 1 month) and they’re my sister’s children

8. i have 2 kitties !! they’re twins from my old cat and their names are Coda and Kenai (from Brother Bear) !! coda is my smol and good prince and he spends every night in my bed (he’s actually asleep next to me rn) and is like,, in love with me (krista calls him a “humany” bc hes like the opposite of a furry). kenai is enormous like a vet once told me he’s the largest cat she’s ever seen and its true he’s very bode and that’s like,, the only way to tell them apart bc they look exactly the same except their weight, and kenai has a kink in the very end of his tail 

9. i’m not that close with my family i don’t know what else to say

Green: 8 facts about appearance

1. hmm my hair is really dark brown and it’s feathered

2. i have a singular white hair that i was born with and still have

3. i have long legs but short arms

4. smol and sad (but perky) boobs

5. i do like my cute nose and lips

6. i have a really tiny waist and rather wide hips

7. i’m 5′7″?? idk

8. my back hurts rn

Yellow: 7 facts about my childhood

1. it was terrible

2. i didn’t have a childhood

3. we were extremely poor and everyone ignored me bc they were too busy dealing with my siblings’ legal trouble and such

4. my body was used and nobody cared 

5. i was a “gifted” child so nobody read me bedtime stories or helped me or like,, spent time with me after the age of like 4

6. i never really had friends, and nobody my age lived near me so i spent every weekend alone and neither of my siblings seemed to even remember i existed, nor my parents, so

7. my dad yelled at me so much for bothering him or asking him questions or asking to hang out with him that i’m perpetually scared of people yelling and will cry if someone yells at me

Orange: 6 facts about my home town

1. i do not even think i can fit in 6 facts about my hometown

2. its less than 700 people

3. more churches than homes

4. we have a single eatery and basically its a parking lot with a tiny building where you go up to the window and order things like hot dogs (theyre actually p good not gonna lie)

5. ummmmmmmmmmmmm

6. i hate it

Red: 5 facts about my best friend

i don’t want any of my friends to feel left out here so i’ll give u a fact abt my closest pals

1. @moogotron is a slut (jk heres a real fact abt her: she once fell out of a stationary car and now has a scar on her temple)

2. @auroreamethyste has the same special interest as me !!! eeeee !!! (actually when i first thought of a fact for you, my mind went to the nutcracker story but i don’t know if it’s okay to share it XD)

3. @dumbfaceadventureland knows so much about birds???? i am truly amazed and whenever i see birds i think of her

Pink: 4 facts about my parents

1. my dad has seen pink floyd like 3 times

2. my mom once had a fax conversation with jon bon jovi

3. todd rundgren took my dad sledding in the 80s (they lived in the same town, woodstock NY)

4. my dad was in the studio with the band when foghat recorded “slow rider” (to sum it up my dad knows a lot of famous musicians)

White: 3 facts about my personality

1. aaa difficult question hmm well i spend about 3/4s of my day in a childish mood where i kinda feel like i’m 5 years old and i want to cuddle up in cute pyjamas and stuff idk how to describe this it just happens

2. bold and brash (aka belongs in the trash) seriously though i’m not bold or brash at all (but i do belong in the trash)

3. i’m more like a soft mouse who likes to spend a lot of time thinking

Grey: 2 facts about my favorite things

favourite material items?

1. keith pillow !! and keith blanket !! the two most wonderful objects i own they’re so soft and covered with my beautiful keith

2. i carry them around constantly like, literally everywhere i go i take keith pillow with me (easier to carry than keith blanket, though i take him with me sometimes too)

Black: 1 fact about the person I like

1. beautiful blue eyes, soft sandy brown hair, plays a various amount of keyboards, is in emerson lake and palmer

eeee thanks again !

[luirlar]

HOLY SHIT. Kara has John, John has bombs attached to his chest, they have a virus of some sort. Flashbacks and present time events introduce a new big bad while sending off an old one. Everything looks very big and very bad in this episode, and it is great to watch. And I get a lot of John x Harold feelings, which is great to witness, I hope. This one is long but I am pretty happy with it. Buckle up.

I have watched the whole show before, so SPOILERS MIGHT HAPPEN. Big spoilers will be blanked out but references and irrelevant spoilers are going to be out in the open.

Last bits on POI: After months of looking for The Man in the Suit (I cannot ever overstate how ridiculous this nickname is to me), Donnelly finally catches on and catches up with Carter and Reese. He is ready to bring them to jail and then Kara Stanton rams a literal goddamn truck into the plot (and my heart), shoots Donnelly, and sedates John.

The episode opens exactly the moment where we left off. Carter’s phone rings: it’s Finch. Carter tells him that she thinks the woman who took John used to be his CIA partner, and just as she says this, Finch enters the latest number he’s received from the Machine: Kara Stanton’s. So what the hell is up? A fucking ride that awaits us in this episode and the mess that it triggers, which directly and indirectly carries on till the series’ end. It’s that big of a bad, friends.

John wakes up in a bus, next to Mark Snow (who we last saw warning Joss about a Big Thing “She” Has Planned), opposite to Kara, and he strapped to a bomb vest.

Kara: I know you don’t care about yourself, John, but you’ve got enough semtex strapped in you to spread a lot of misery around.

Gosh. Kara Stanton makes me melt every time she opens her mouth. So cold, so evil, so calm and certain about the absolute havoc she can wreck.

John: So what’s this really about? Kara: This is about three dead little spies in a brave new world. It’s about the afterlife, John, and us negotiating our places in it.

Well, that sounds like a good, wholesome time.

Carter is called to the crime scene where Donnelly was shot, where she was but isn’t telling. Fusco suspects something is up, but Joss can’t tell him squat. I always feel a special appreciation for Fusco. He knows the least about what’s going on at all times, and he knows people hide shit from him, and yet he always helps. He has faith in the team, and I love him for it. They all set out to find out more about Kara and what she might be up to, which is difficult, what with her being declared dead a few years back and all.

On the first stop of their #assassin #throwback tour, John and Mark are supposed to pick up a hard drive, but the sellers try to get smart about the payment, so Kara gives out a kill order. Both Mark and John hesitate, so Kara shoots the sellers for them. Wait, she was in the room with them? No, no. From a rooftop, across the street, with a sniper rifle. She gives no shits whatsoever.

*fans self*

[2010] We are taken back to a scene we’ve seen before, where Alicia Corwin and Mark Snow send Kara and John to Ordos to retrieve the laptop, and where Mark tells both Kara and John separately that their partner has been compromised and needs to be killed. We also get a repeat of the scene where John refuses to shoot Kara, Kara shoots John, and John connects the dots about them being set up. We again see John running away from the building just in time to escape the missiles sent to bump them both off, but then… we see Kara wounded, and being picked up by some sort of uniformed squad. She wakes up in a hospital-looking place, and an Ominous British Man (not yet named) greets her. He tells her that he knows who she is and why she’s there and he doesn’t need her to talk, and that they’ll get along great. Not creepy at all.

John and Mark’s second stop is knocking out some ATF (Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms) agents and impersonate them. In what? A fake bomb threat in an office building. Because Kara couldn’t resist the joke, apparently. I too love joking around while strapping explosives to my former coworkers. John sends a text to Finch indicating he is carrying explosives, and the text allows Finch to know where he was, and who the phone belonged to.

Once inside the building, Kara tells the bomb bros to go to a super secured floor that doesn’t exist in the building’s public records. We know this because Carter, Finch and Fusco are good at detective-ing. Because the episode was not stressful enough, Kara informs us that the signal might be bad inside whatever super secured secret place the boys are headed to, so she puts a timer on their bomb vests.

[2011] We’re back in the hospital-looking place, but some time has passed (I hadn’t noticed the time stamp! This episode and plot point makes more sense to me now!).Ominous British Man babbles about the Titans – Kara’s bosses are the old gods, Kara is part of the new gods, the old gods wanted to eat her because they were afraid of her, or something – and Kara is done with his shit.

Kara: If I break your neck, can I go back to watching TV? She may be tired and is probably being tortured, but she can still sass people out like a champ.

Ominous British Man clarifies that he doesn’t work for any government, and that money is not his business, information is. He offers Kara the name of the person he labels as responsible for the state she is currently in, the person who sold the laptop Kara and John were sent for. (How badly did they psychologically torture and manipulate Kara for that to make sense to her, that the person responsible for her misery is not who gave the kill order, but the person who sold a laptop that she knows nothing about?! Anyway.) In exchange for what, Kara (and we) ask?

Ominous British Man: Do you remember how the Titans were finally killed? Before they could eat their youngest child, Zeus, he wrapped a boulder in his swaddling clothes, then watched as his father choked on it.

What the hell is this Brit on? It’ll all become clear in time (or not, I had to think really hard and read some wikipedia shit to get it, but I’m not a greek mythology buff so maybe you know exactly what this means right now.). He speaks in very obnoxious riddles. I wish Kara would have broken his neck to be honest.

Carter and Fusco are at the building where John and Mark are, but downstairs. John manages to quickly call Finch, and they both figure that since theyre basically in a DOD cyber weapons lab, Kara is probably trying to steal a virus that would shut down the entire internet, or specific networks, or something. She’s stealing something big, that’s for sure.

Unless… Unless John is the most predictable broody white knight in the world and Kara is a cold-hearted bitch who knows him too well. Kara knew John wouldn’t follow orders, would assume Kara wanted to steal something, and would erase all the drives with all the Very Bad Viruses.

Kara didn’t want any of the Very Bad Viruses, because she had a Very Very Bad one. Or at least, a very specific one that she needed to delete the others for. I don’t know how any of that works, can you tell? In any case, she unleashes the virus into the world, sets the timer of the bomb vests to 5 minutes, and skedaddles. But not before John tries his usual emotional “you don’t have to do this, we can hold hands and make the world better together” shtick, and Kara stares dead in his eyes with zero emotional response. Yikes, John, your white knight moves are starting to rust or something.

Mark tries to make a run for his life, with less than 5 minutes to do whatever he can. And then, then All Of The Feelings happen: As John is trying to head to the rooftop (cause his broody white knight redemption arc has to end in a fucking rooftop, right?) to try to hit as little civilians with his explosion as possible, Carter gets to his floor.

Carter: You don’t have to do this. John: You know I do. ‘Cause you’d do the exact same thing.

I mean, I mock his broody self-sacrificing shtick a lot, but it is absolutely the thing to do when you know you’re in all likelihood gonna blow up. And I think it’s because John’s character rarely shows emotions in his face, on purpose, but when he does, it cuts through my misandrist soul and makes me want to hug him and then punch him for making me Feel Things. Between that, and the amazing score as per POI usual, and Taraji’s always amazing performance, I am More than a Lil’ Stressed™. John heads to the rooftop, ready to die. Show’s over folks. But then again…

Finch: So I see I’m not too late…

So, you see, when John warned Finch over the DOD phone to stay clear of the building, what Finch actually heard was, “get as close to me and the building and the fucking bomb as humanly possible”. John tries to stop Finch by… pointing a gun at him? Which, for one, is rude, and more importantly, ridiculously useless in this context.

John: This is my past catching up to me. This doesn’t concern you. Harold: But this moment does. I’m not leaving you, John. So can we please stop wasting time?

Husbands that hang ’round bombs together, stay together. Unless their remains are scattered by the explosion. Sorry. Finch has 3 attempts at one of five combinations. Yikes. And the first one fails.

John: … Sorry.

In the meantime, Kara is making her way out of the building and calls Ominous British Man, who is still not given a name, a purpose, a boss, or a plan. Just a vague creepy Big Bad feel. He carries on speaking in riddles, making grand empty statements, and Kara cuts him off and asks for the goddamn name of the person who sold the laptop and indirectly sent her to Ordos, the name she went through all this trouble to get. Ominous British Man tells her a name is all he has, since this person apparently doesn’t exist in any known database. She jots down a name in a piece of paper. *INTRIIIIIGUE*

Back up in the rooftop, everyone is about to cry. Except me, I’m already crying.

John: I’m pretty sure I’d be dead already if you hadn’t found me. Harold: It’s hard to say. John: Not really.

This is a beautiful moment, except… why does Harold say it’s hard to say? It’s pretty straight forward to say, no? (Except… wait for it.) Harry looks like he is about to cry, which I guess one would if a bomb was about to blow up literally on the face. Goddamn, though, Michael Emerson is an acting champ. This is, on paper, a super contrived moment, but they make it work for me. In a completely unrealistic cliche moment that is only made bearable because the alternative would have been Captain America and his sugar daddy dying, Finch deactivates the bomb on the third and final try, 7 seconds before it is set to detonate.

We’re taken back to Kara’s car, and something is beeping. Her backseat. That has Mark Snow in it. He decided to do something positive (in-universe, negative for all Kara fans like myself) with his life for once, and take Kara with him to the sweet sweet afterlife. Goodbye, you sexy Big Bad motherfucker. John gets back to the library where Bear greats him happily, and John thanks Finch, all teary eyed. At the precinct, the FBI tells Carter that Mark Snow must have been the Man in the Suit, so they close that case. All’s good and right and there are no mysteries left to solve here. Ta-dah!

  What, you thought that was all? Sweet summer child. Did you forget Kara got the name of the guy who sold the laptop and started a whole trainwreck of events that brought us to this very episode, and in a way, brought this whole series into being? Maybe you don’t care. That’s fair. Who cares. Fuck The (Ominous British) Man.

Unless…

Mother of HECK. Yes, you read that right. Harold Finch! How? Why? When? What was that latop, then? (Sure, *now* you wanna know..!) WHAT THE FUCK?! *INTRIIIIIIGUE*

I know, I know. But the whole history of the laptop will not become clear until the second half of season 3, so you’d better get comfy with that unsettling feeling in your stomach. Aaaaand the virus Kara activated is set to go off in five months and change. *INTRIIIIGUE*.

  ** A note on Kara’s time with Ominous British Man: BIG SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4 AND 5 AHEAD ** Why do I say she was in all likelihood tortured? And that the time stamps make this episode make sense to me? Well, the first (and second) time I watched this episode< I wondered how come Kara turned so easily on her country – because remember, she always did her job, or said she did, for her country. Why would she do a job for a dubious mysterious man, a job that could endanger a lot of people? She asked zero questions for a man who was in no way her boss, or shouldn’t have been. I suspected some torturing or intense indoctrination might have taken place, but I didn’t think much of it other than “really? that easy?” But then season 5 happened. And we see how Shaw gets tortured and gaslighted and manipulated. On the one hand I’m glad we don’t get to see that, but on the other the blanks that aren’t filled make Kara seem like a godless spiteful easy traitor. Not because your bosses sending to kill you isn’t good reason to be vengeful, but it shouldn’t be for a trained, hardcore agent. Unless extreme measures were used, which they probably were. Anyway, I love talking about Kara Stanton and I love her.

Today I (re)watch: Person of Interest, 2.13 HOLY SHIT. Kara has John, John has bombs attached to his chest, they have a virus of some sort.

[shslshortie]

Little log 8/9 (please ignore)

Again, this has absolutely nothing to do with like any of my followers, so please ignore it cuz it'll just clog your dash.

Luckily, I'm posting this at 4:57 am, so not THAT many people will have to see this.

BUT Kaja asked how this whole thing was going, so I figured I'd update this thingy with the stuff that happened Saturday and Sunday.

Current list:

1) Christianna

1) Kelsey

1) Rae

(Everybody else is mostly the same?? Or my opinion hasn't changed THAT much to where I need an update on them)

I don't know how to do a read more on mobile???? So sorry?????????

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, so Saturday was rough for me. This weekend had a lot of things kinda up in the air, and most of them didn't turn out the right way, so I was not in a good mindset.

But while I was alone and upset and feeling fairly unwanted, OUT OF NO WHERE WITH NO PROMPTING, both Christianna and Kelsey were texting and snapchating me like everything was completely normal (which it was for them). This was amazing, because when I felt so shitty, they were still reaching out to me just because they wanted to, or because they had stuff that they specifically wanted to tell/show me. Kelsey was even saying how she wished I was a dance major just so I could have been with her at the dance major watch party. And she was the one who convinced me to go to the party on Saturday night. (Which was not good, especially since she ended up leaving with the only other member that I've heard she wants as her big, so YIKES). ((I mean if Madison (the member) wants Kelsey, there is literally nothing I would be able to do to stop her from taking her. Everybody would want Madison if they thought she would want them, and I wouldn't even be able to be mad about it, because she is perfect))

So I happy cried over both Christianna and Kelsey because it made me feel wanted by both of them, and kind of solidified the relationship I want to have with them. A two way street of care and love, where even though I will basically be their mom, where at the basis of our Big/Little relationship, we are still really good friends.

And with Rae, last week she was apparently looking for me at the tailgate because she didn't know anyone else there, and because I was the only one who she felt comfortable around who wasn't black out drunk. (Bad thing was, I showed up real late and she had already left, BUT I ended up seeing her in the stadium and we talked for a bit!!) And yesterday and today she was asking me for advice about guerrilla; and me being the Pledge Mom™ that I am, offered to bring any pledges who wanted it food/coffee while they were waiting in line for guerilla sign ups. I ended up staying the whole time??? (Which was stupid and unnecessary but it was fine) and for most of it, she was just telling the other pledges how wonderful I was.

This is a huge ego boost, but the problem is that if these rankings stay the same for me... I have no idea who I would pick. Because if I decided to put Christianna and Rae as my #1 and #2, I would probably have guaranteed twins with both of them. Currently, I want Kelsey a bit more, just because I feel like it would be a better Big/little relationship, since Rae doesn't drink or do a lot of stuff like that, and I don't want to end up with a little that judges me or is ashamed of me. BUT I know that if I end up putting Kelsey as like #1 because I want her most, and put the other two at 2 and 3.... I might not get any of them... and even though I feel like I would get at least 1 little that I love, even if they aren't on my list... I don't want to mess it up with any of them because I made a mistake in ranking.

So long story short @ me:

Christianna: I'm like 90% sure I'm gonna get her. We are planning a guerrilla act together, and I was the first/only person she thought to ask. She doesn't know that many people, so I have absolutely no clue who else would be on her list. AND WHEN I WAS COMPLAINING I DIDNT HAVE ANY BLUE GLITTER, SHE SAID SHE HAD SOME THAT I COULD USE. and especially with my reputation in APO (my fucking pledge name was Sparkle Tits for crying out loud) there's no way it wouldn't be a match.

Kelsey: I love her, and we snapchat all the time, and she is super fun, and we will be going on a second pledge date soon. I'm just worried because she might want a Dance big, especially if she ends up with Claire as her dance honor society big... so I'll just have to figure out if she wants Madison or not and if Madison wants her. Which is what I'm stressed about, cuz I thought Madison would want someone like Blaire or Olivia or Emma or Nicole (the upperclassman dance majors who are pledging). And since she's 1) a senior, 2) is in a sorority... I can't imagine that she will take twins??? And she hasn't even been around that much?? Only at guerrilla and popping in at parties??? So like??? HOPEFULLY I can hear the whole situation when we have family brunch.

(Which is a WHOLE different monster of stress)

Rae: love her, and she's very sweet, but what people usually think of her as is a little pompous or know it all or above it all, which isn't really true. She just doesn't drink/party, and doesn't really like it when people do. She can tolerate it, which must mean she doesn't care that I do/has never been able to tell when I've been drunk (cuz I've definitely been drunk around her at least 3 if not 4 times). And she has a very matter of fact way of talking, which kind of stems from her education/how she wants to go all the way to get her PhD and her interests, which can make it seem like she's being short with you. And I don't have a problem with it, but like I'm not entirely sure if I would be the best big for her needs??? But we've talked a lot about makeup and dance and everything, and she's been very grateful whenever I've done anything for her or offered her help, and has reached out a lot, which is probably why I'm more drawn to her right now.

Again, the biggest stressor right now, is trying to figure out the order (which Luckily, I don't have to figure out until at least the 25th, if not the end of October) so that I feel like my twins both have me as their #1, and that they are who I want. Because originally, I was very much keeping my mind open, so that I would be happy and love whoever I got. Of course, if I got someone else, that means that they wanted me, I just might still be hurt or a bit upset if I was dead set on having a particular pair, and ended up with someone else. Because the biggest thing is, I don't want to be that big that has an obvious favorite twin and an ignored twin -- because looking at it last year, it fucking SUCKED when I saw some of the pairs, and I felt bad for some of the twins because of how obvious it was. Overall, it matters what the pledges want, so no matter what, I will do my best to make them happy, give them all the love they deserve, and give them the best APO experience.

Last note:

Holy hell am I stressed about this upcoming family brunch. We've been trying to plan it for 2-3 weeks, and it still hasn't happened yet. I'm very worried specifically because I don't want to be split off from the Peyton-Carli line just because LC is gone. Unless EVERYONE in our family gets twins, we wouldn't be strong enough on our own. Peyton and Carli would be fine, and could even still be too big. But for LC's line, it's just me and Brannon who are going to take littles. (IF MARISSA TOOK A LITTLE I WOULD BE FUCKING SHOOK. Girl Peyton could, but I would highly highly highly doubt it) and that would mean it would be like 4 people on that stage, maybe 5, maybe 6. Plus I don't want fake to split again, unless we did Peyton, Carli and LC all separate, and then came back together once everyone was done.

I also am stressed because at the very least, the entirety of Fake Fam (16 active members who attend UA currently) could theoretically take 32 new littles. At the very least, it could be 7, but it would most likely be between 10-17. That is a LOT. Which means that unless we all did the same thing (instead of the same theme like we did last year) it would be super fucking difficult to coordinate a reveal.

Finally, I'm stressed because I don't know who everybody wants???? And I KNOW that will be a huge big deal at brunch because Carli and Peyton are literally in charge of assigning Big/Little pairs for the entirety of APO. So hopefully, that means they will put us on high priority... but it COULD also mean that theyre gonna put their littles/grand littles/future ggrand littles on high priority above LC's line. ESPECIALLY if some people on their side wants the same people as Brannon or I do. (Cough cough Madison).

Best case scenario, Carli just goes around and asks everyone "do you want twins, and who do you want" and nobody has any issues with anybody else's picks.

Bad case scenario: the first thing they bring up is a split. Madison wants Kelsey and only Kelsey. I end up getting 1 little who is a random, and Brannon gets none. And drama happens where people start explaining why certain people shouldn't be a big little pair.

Well, here's hoping that it all works out, and I figure things out further. ✌

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 2 - “I'd like to speak with the manager” - Maxyne

cranjes

lol cool so i’m in a majority alliance without having to lift a finger? fuckin love that. the challenge is a shit ton of greek letters and i cant like be literate in english so i volunteered to sit out. i have enough charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to get through if we lose.

Gregg

Well, tribal went according to what was said and honestly that was nice. Know i hope we can win immunity because dont want to go to tribal again. Im talking to people but not im not like fitting in with people it seems. I might be an outsider. So hoping i can live long enough to survive and live for a swap time.

Elle

Dusty started an alliance chat with myself, Fae, Erick, Cranjes, and Van which I agree with. I really like Van and Fae, but I do not necessarily trust Cranjes and Erick. However, it is good that we have a majority alliance at this stage in the game. I want to be able to protect Maxyne, but I am not sure what the group will decide. For now, I should be content with not imposing my will on votes and being a follower. It will serve me well in the long run. 

Elle

After a drunk night, I can say for sure that I am well-established in this tribe. I think Sasha and Frank are in the most danger. Cranjes did not even know Frank existed until tonight, so it seems like they could be the easy vote this time around. I would not be mad at it at all. I want to keep Maxyne safe, after all, since they are someone who I feel I have a deep connection with. The duolingo challenge could prove troublesome, but I am hoping that the tribe pulls through together in order to negate the disadvantages we received.  

Tristin

Ok so we lost the challenge and we just have to recover and win this one!!! The challenge is duolingo and I-. I hate. The language is Greek. I wish that it was a language that I knew like Arabic or English but rip. Lucking I joined a Greek letter Fraternity so the alphabet is easy for me but everything else... whew child. 

Eliza

Greek is so fucked, I know how to say xylophone but not hi????

Franco

I miss Susan. She was fun... Even if i did help orchestrate a unanimous vote against her :(

Anyway. Moving on!! This challenge is hard and Greek is hard. I underestimated how difficult it would be to learn an entire new alphabet. Odds are in our favor because Plati has a 40% disadvantage (which is HUGE), but I'm still a lil worried. A lot of people on Nera either seem busy or not invested. The running score should not be as close as it is right now, we should be steamrolling!!!

Sasha

right, okay, god damn I need to get in this. high key. well, I'm trying but in the midst of everything happening irl, I'm a mess lmao. Jay sent out an edgic with no names to the tribe chat and I was like "okay which INV one is me" because that's already obvious. I need to like, actually do stuff so if we lose this challenge I don't be the first boot of my tribe asdfgnjhbcdsge

Elle

Once again I am the sole provider of the tribe win challenges because my back is hurting from carrying all these people. Since it is Raffy-proofed meaning that it is averaged, I just have to pray to god that people do as well as me. Like I even helped them in the tribe chat. If that was not enough then I do not know what will help these people. All I know is that I will not be going home since I am strong in challenges and they will need me for later.

Elle

Because I know this will come up eventually (and I want the proof here) these are my guesses for who people are: Sasha - Dylan Cranjes - John Fae - Birch Maxyne - Colin? Duncan? Anyways love. I hope we win the challenge xoxo

Maxyne

PLS EVERYONE DOING 30-40 LESSONS AND I'VE 14 I'M GOING TO Διε

cranjes

well shoot. oh well. gotta yeet a hoe.

michele

greek stinks, not even mad about only getting 7😂

Sasha

when you had the lowest score of everyone in the tribe, excluding the one who was exempted from the challenge : )

Maxyne

They better hide their damn ankles, cause whoever sprain their ankles during the hunt, imma shatter the next one >:(

Elle

It sucks that we are going to tribal, but I already know who I want to vote out: Frank. They are not very active and they did the worst in both challenges. So, for me, this is a no brainer vote of getting them out. Cranjes did not even know they existed until yesterday. I feel pretty confident at the moment.

Rain

Yay, we won immunity! Finally made an alliance chat with Franco, Michele, and Eliza. We are a fantastic quadrant, and we make a tidy majority, though I’m sure we’re gonna have swap soon. I’m honestly not feeling Gregg anymore. If we had gone to tribal, I would have pushed to get him voted out but like, not pushy like because that’s how the vote gets flipped on you. Lenny might be a weak link too? Who knows. At least worm is excellent. I hope susan gets eliminated from redemption. Honestly... I respect her, but I don’t miss the energy. 

Elle

Also, earlier in the day, Maxyne and I had a little chat about working closely together in the game. I really like Maxyne, so this works out for me. I will keep them as a covert operator away from my big majority alliance. Eventually things are going to shake down such that the alliance crumbles, so I need to make sure people will have my back when it does. 

Sasha

wait I didn’t actually score the Lowest I’m just dummy ckkaskfbak

cranjes

who the fuck is frank

cranjes

i have no idea who’s gonna get the yeet. i’m being told it’s either maxyne, sasha or frank. but who is frank.

Dusty

Sooooo we lost the immunity challenge, which I’m not surprised about because I personally had no motivation to try and learn a whole new language and alphabet...But regardless I did my best and at least not he worst. I’m fine with us losing because it just means losing a less-active player, and gives us a tribal to strengthen the alliance that is myself, Erick, fae, Elle, cranjes, and Van. I really like this group of people. Erik, fae, elle, and I have been working together to try and find a damn idol but so far our hunt has only brought us to the other tribes camp

Franco

AHHHH WE WON. IM SO GLAD we don't have to do tribal again. I know I wouldn't be in danger but the less risk the better???

Anyway!! I now have 2 alliances!! Rain has been talking to me about getting an alliance for a while now, but they arent,,, the best at consistent communication and enacting plans. But I can't judge because that's definitely not my strongest suit either. They brought in Michele and Eliza which i think is HILARIOUS since us three already have our own alliance. It just kinda works. Rain doesn't strike me as a super strong player but theyre fun to have around, at the very least it's another number and perspective for Michele, Eliza, and I. It just makes our trio stronger than we already are!!

Fae

Hi!!! I don’t have much to say, but here are some predictions on who is who. Van = Zach Erick = John maybe? Not 100% sure on that one. That’s all I have but I Think Maynor might be also be playing, but he is also currently about to win an atomic so maybe not? Zoe and Ellie are probably here too. Maybe Stephen? Is that a stretch? Only time will tell.  

cranjes

OHMYGOD I FOUND AN IDOL this is what happened oh my god i’m screaming so i told erick i voted for him for the idol bc he started talking about ghost adventures and i love ghost adventures so in turn he shared the clue with me. it said something about tedious tasks, and idk why but i had to look at the top of the waterfall. under all the little stones. and there she was. i’m gonna cry this is so exciting. is anyone gonna find out? no. hell to the motherfuckin no. this is my secret and my secret only.

Worm

So my tribe won immunity! That in its self is very exciting just because of how hard I work. We were very lucky though with all disadvantages because our asses would have been handed to us if not. Tribe wise, since we won I can take this chance to create tighter bonds with everyone. Part of me feels as though Jay may decide to add some twists to the game like an early tribe swap. If this does occur I want to be ready so I don't get swap fucked. Overall I think my relationships with everyone are good and can help me get to the merge. The only person that I don't have a decent bond with is Gregg, I don't think anyone does though. He isn't too active in the tribe so unless he is doing a lot of socializing behind the scenes I don't think anyone is too close to him. Now I know I'm safe so I shouldn't need to worrying about targets and who to get out when I have to go to my next tribal council, but I think I just like having a plan even if it doesn't need to come to fruition. So right now this plan is just in a passive state and is only told here.

Also fuck these idols. During my search I've only found a big egg and sand. What kind of tomfoolery is this! I have a feeling an idol has already been found, especially because Franco was given a clue to where it is hidden. But Im gonna keep going cause maybe I might find some more cool shit.

Frank

I’m quite concerned about possibly being voted out tonight because I’m not that social and that is concerning. Looking at all my messages though I have responded and the other people left me on read so like that’s why some conversations ended. Right now I get good vibes from Cranjes. Do I think I’m gonna go voted out though...yes, yes I do. Will I stay on redemption for a while...hopefully. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up for the vote tonight, I’m going to try until the end because that’s what I know best.

Eliza

Dear diary.... Some of these damn people are gonna make me lose it, also at this point I think I’ve tried to clock my whole tribe + Elle as Raffy, I swear at least one of them is raffy, Franco and Michele I’m looking at you. I will find him. Anywho, I think it’s about time I give my early game analysis of everyone! I’ll even give my analysis of the alliances I’m in for extra fun. 

Let’s start with alliances!

Elfranchele: Includes: Eliza (Ellie), Franco, Michele I honestly think this alliance could go far, my two beautiful meat shields whom I love ever so much! Right now at this pre merge stage I believe that we’re the core that’s going to be controlling the votes until swap/merge, and honestly I’m pretty ok with it. I’d love to go far with these two! Named alliance: Includes: Eliza (Ellie), Franco, Michele, Rain

This alliance formed because rain wanted it to, they didn’t realize that elfranchele exists, and it’s goo that no one knows of it. I like rain and think I could work with them but considering that someone already wants them out, I’ll be working with them for however long it’s going to benefit my game, love then as a person but I don’t want a target on my back. (Y’all like the playing style I’m trying this time??? It’s new for me ain’t it) People!

Franco: Ugh, I’d literally die for Franco, but I can’t attach myself to him, I need to remain a free agent although Franco is definitely my #1 as of now, I mean he gave me half of a super idol for fucks sake. As long as I find the idol before he does it’ll be great, because I already know that both Franco and I are good social players, so having an idol that I don’t have to share with him/that he doesn’t know about? Beautiful! I want to go far with Franco, but I’d prefer to go a tad bit farther than him.

Michele: We love Michele, her humor is great and I love the whole elfranchele alliance, Michele is the same story as Franco basically, minus the fact that she doesn’t know about the super idol. I think Michele and I could definitely work very well together because as of right now I have no reason not to trust her. Franco is still my top person right now but I still love Michele and want to go far with her.

Rain: Rain is fun! We love them, people are already suspicious of them and that does not look very good, hopefully it’s just Lenny overthinking but I’ll be wary of that. I love rain and want to work with them but they’re not someone I absolutely NEED to go far with. This time I’m trying to stick with people only when they benefit me, that’s very new for me because I’m generally a very very strong social player that gets everyone to like them and then I pick a side and stay. But I’m try to branch out more this time!

Tristin and Worm: These two are kinda the same story for me so I’m grouping them together before this gets too long, I love them both and they are generally great people to have conversations with. I could see myself working with them very long term. I told worm about Lenny wanting rain so that I could gain Worm’s trust and it definitely worked so that’s great! I love these two and think that I’ll be able to work with them without anyone suspecting that we’re actually working together.

Gregg and Lenny: They don’t really do anything, I mean Lenny wanted rain out but other than that? These two have made no real impact and haven’t done anything, if we lose again I see one of those two going. Ok that’s it y’all, sorry if this was too long!! Have a great day.

Elle

Frank is definitely going to make their way out of the door today. He has not really been fighting for his spot at all, so it should be an easy vote. I felt like I got closer to Cranjes/John earlier in the day, so I feel good that we will be tight if I keep going for it. Finally, it seems someone has already found something in the idol hunt since I searched a spot that used to have something in it. I hope I grow close to whoever it is so that they will not use their item against me. But I feel pretty comfortable with my place in the tribe, however that is when I am the most vunerable.

cranjes

we’re voting frank. he just done been done too darn quiet until today. he made life a LOT easier by throwing a name out cough sasha who isn’t in the alliance of six (me, erick, van, dusty, fae and elle) and as far as i know it should shake out to be frank going to the redemption island duel. granted it’s survivor so who knows BUT i don’t think i need to play my idol. so that’s where i stand. Van It’s been a pretty chill day ngl. The Big Alliance™️ has pretty much decided who’s going home due to inactivity and just generally not caring about the game. Talk of Sasha has gone around, but everyone is still voting frank as of right now.

Tristin

I’m super happy that we won the challenge. I don’t have to worry about sending another player from out tribe to redemption island. However, this round Michele tempted me with the possibility of voting out someone big. She didn’t say who but I told her I was interested. I’m here for chaos gorls. Currently I’m solidifying a F2 with Worm because they’re cool and I like them. We also talked about voting off Gregg which is cool because Gregg is currently our weakest link. Also for the sake of the edgic, I must mention that I SEE lenny but she doesn’t do much which is a negative to me. She’s just barely above Gregg on my totem poll.

Worm

So since we are safe my mind is wandering. After playing enough orgs, my gut is telling me that there is already an alliance in place on my tribe. I first suspected in when Franco won the reward with 5 votes. Then after we lost I talked to Michele maybe 5 minutes after it was posted and she said that she already talked to some people and that they all seem to be on board with getting rid of Susan. And then today, Eliza told me that Lenny wanted to get rid of Rain last round and that her and a few others got Lenny to change her mind and go for Susan. This conversation had me concerned cause I haven't had many conversation about strategy other than confirming the Susan vote and few people saying they want to work with me.I digress on that. As I continued to talk to Eliza she then mentioned that Rain doesn't know about Lenny targeting them unless either Michele or Franco told them. So my brain connected some possible dots I kinda came to the conclusion that Eliza, Franco, Lenny, and Michele are working together (or at least Eliza, Franco, and Michele). I don't want to put the cart before the horse but I might need to see if I can solidify an alliance with Tristin and Rain (if they would only communicate with me :'( ). Not gonna reveal any of theses gut feelings yet but I'm gonna keep researching and seeing if my gut feelings are correct. And if the are I need to figure out if I wanna be messy if we go to tribal soon or just ride it until merge. I can go with the flow and just be social and go with the numbers but that might not be whats best for the long term of my game. There is so much mystery in this game that everything feels like a poor decision. I feel like the confused lady meme right now and its only the second round. (Reference: https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/021/464/14608107_1180665285312703_1558693314_n.jpg)

Erick

We lost the challenge :(  I had to exempt myself for medical reasons so I can’t help but feel partially responsible. But I feel safe in my alliance, and I feel confident we are voting out Frank.

Frank

I’m feeling a bit better about tribal. I said Sasha’s name before and now that’s spreading apparently since now I’ve heard their name from others. For right now I am happy but I am fully aware that anything can happen in the next few hours. I am going to try and maintain the conversations that I’ve had today throughout the game so I can be seen as more social. I just want to do well.

Lenny

I hope people in the tribe like me. I am not sure if I want to start an alliance with franco and worm or one with michele and eliza or both. I also think Tristan is a good person to have on my side. Very grateful we won this past challenge because I could’ve been in jeopardy with my performance in the duolingo. Why is the greek keyboard so anxiety provoking.

Maxyne

Okie dokie, so long story short we lost challenge and I think the plan is to vote Frank off unless it's a ruse to kill me instead. Tribals are always nerve wracking cause you never know what's gonna happen until it happens, and when it does happen... it's too late. I think i've been making good progress socially. I'm playing up the humor side as I usually do cause every tribe needs a clown. I'd be happy to fill that role it'll take me far. I don't think I'm a social threat as of right now but I would like to say that my tribe likes me. I didn't build the connection as much as I would like to this round since people came to me and I didn't come to them which doesn't always fly well. Hopefully if i survive tribal which is *checks time* a few minutes from now, i'd like to work more on my connections. Right now, it seems like Elle is the top of my personal leaderboard but i wanna expand my options. Also the idol hunt? Trash. I'd like to speak with the manager. I highly doubt that everyone here sucks at the idol hunt. One of these bitches have it. I fuckin know it. Someone has to be lying about it. Still, I wanna do what I can to find it. It's probably not there anymore but I need to satisfy my need to hunt. Anyways, let's go snuff a torch and hope it's not mine.

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...