#at least the writers are self aware enough to not say hes straight

[thatghostinyourbog]

Can anyone rlly look into those eyes and think

"straight"

[alltimefail]

Okay so I have more thoughts on Dead Boy Detectives but this is less about scene analysis and more about my own personal interpretation of Charles as I truly believe Charles' inability to fully "reciprocate" Edwin's feelings is less about accepting his sexuality/lack of awareness about his sexuality and more about feeling unworthy of being on the receiving end of Edwin's love (and about bad timing - them being in an afterlife or eternal suffering situation on the literal stairs of hell, but I digress lol). This would explain, pretty seamlessly, why he seems to seek out fleeting or "fun" romances and flirtations. It would also explain why, immediately following the confession, there are micro-changes, blink-and-you'll-miss-it differences in Charles' behaviors and expressions. It's clear that our boy is reflecting, and he meant it when he said he intended to "figure out what the rest means..." even if it takes him forever (and I doubt it will, but again... I digress). This is why calling his reassurances to Edwin on the staircase a "rejection" and putting Charles in a box as default-straight is a complete disservice to his character, to the writers, to the queer brilliance that rings beautifully in every facet of this show, and to Jayden Revri who is an exceptional actor with a palpable, deep love and reverence for the character he's portraying.

As a repressed PTSD bisexual™️ myself, I can't help but connect Charles' history with abuse alongside his poor perception of self, people-pleasing tendencies, and his quickness to stifle and repress his own feelings and desires to his fear of being a "bad person." It would not surprise me if Charles would fear the possibility that he is capable of taking something fragile, beautiful, raw, and vulnerable (Edwin's love) and destroy it in the way his father did.

Charles has always loved fully and without caution; I would even say he loves recklessly at times, throwing himself in front of danger, even to his own detriment. But has anyone fully loved him back in the way he loves? Charles has always loved Edwin, but did he ever allow himself to humor the idea that Edwin might just love him back?

It's evident that Charles had very little kindness in his life. Charles' friends were conditional at best and violent/abusive at their worst, his father was a monster, and his mother (who, in all fairness, was also a victim of abuse) was quiet and complicit in the abuse Charles received from his father. His entire afterlife is intrinsically connected to Edwin's - his entire existence, and Edwin's entire existence, are so closely entwined to one another that to "screw up" the delicate balance they've struck would be more than unfortunate - it would be earth-shattering, a loss like no other. Charles is impulsive, but he is not careless...quite the opposite, actually. I truly think whether or not he's attracted to men is not the issue; it wouldn't surprise me if, at the very least, Charles is aware he is attracted to people regardless of gender and just doesn't have the language to put a label to that sensation yet (he might have never been compelled to put a label on it, frankly). The issue is that Charles is unsure if he is deserving of someone not just loving him, but being in love with him... especially when it's coming from someone he thinks is the best person in the world, the most important person to him, the only person he would deny heavy and defy hell for.

Honestly Charles might even already know he has feelings toward Edwin specifically that are not strictly platonic, but taking that gamble even though he struggles with feelings such as being undeserving of Edwin; that he would be selfish to take a love he's undeserving of; that Edwin might come to realize, at some point, that he was mistaken in loving Charles and that being with Charles isn't actually enough/what he hoped it would be and he regrets his confession all together. Or, perhaps worst of all, what if Charles finds that the nagging fear he's buried deep down was correct all along... that he actually is like his father and capable of hurting Edwin and bastardizing the concept of love as a whole?

There are stakes when it comes to loving Edwin - if he were to screw up what they have, the consequences would be disastrous, it very well might destroy him. He cannot be careless, he cannot be impulsive, he cannot risk destroying what he and Edwin have. I'm not sure Charles has ever not loved Edwin, but he probably never humored that his Edwin: touch-reserved, buttoned-up, logical, stubborn, beautiful, kind Edwin who brought a warm light to Charles in his darkest moment, could feel that way, too... especially about him. What is he to do with that?

[despazito]

I have conflicting feelings about so called "therapy talk" in animated shows nowadays.

I'm not sure if I like the term in general because i think it's dismissive of the concept as a whole, which I feel throws the baby out with the bathwater. Like to me at least the definition of therapy talk means being extremely emotionally mature, being able to successfully identify and communicate your feelings, and using empathy to do the same with others' feelings. which I think are all good qualities to have in a person, but detrimental to a fictional story if this trait is shared equally amongst the WHOLE cast and that's what bothers me about its overusage now.

People just don't have interpersonal conflict this way!! especially amongst kids or teens. Or at least it's extremely uncommon to have these types of kindcore interactions with others outside of a moderated clinical setting.

Emotional intelligence like that isn't a switch you can flick, characters may repress things or drop a facade to deliver some truths or philosophy to the protagonist but it has to dovetail in with the rest of their character. A character who showed no previous capacity for such maturity just feels unnatural to suddenly act very wise for a scene if it's played completely straight.

For instance, Patrick Star is great at playing this for comedy. His sudden rare bursts of extreme mature clarity are so opposite to the rest of his character that it loops all the way back into the comedic. But then imagine a character like Scrappy Doo busting out a lecture on externalizing his unresolved anger from past experiences without a shred of irony. Or Jesse Pinkman breaking his character of a wannabe gangster drug dealer to deliver a carefully worded clapback to walt about toxicity and gaslighting explaining the deepest mechanics of his personality. It would kind of suck, right? Which is why when Aaron Paul's character in Bojack gets a scene like that as Todd, it's very introspective but still delivered in Todd's voice because the writers know Todd and know the boundaries of what he can articulate.

Characters can gain introspection and learn to understand themselves over the course of a narrative, but it has to feel natural and have some precedent. It's a bit annoying when all the characters resolve emotional conflict like they've taken a class in anger management before.

And i think a lot of it is the writer idealizing relationships and interactions between their characters and a weird obsession with morality in fiction now. We need to be spoonfed why this character is bad or what is currently occurring in a lecture from another character lest someone get the wrong impression from the text, in many ways it comes across as unconfident writing.

In a perfect (or dystopian to some) world everyone can communicate impeccably with everyone’s feelings in mind and people will come away with the exact reading of a text the author implied. and sure it can be good escapism if that’s what you crave. but it just doesn’t make for very interesting stories!!

Some writers will try to hide therapy talk under several layers of meta irony, but honestly those can feel even lamer to me and dare I say lazier in execution. It's quite literally telling instead of showing the audience exactly how a character feels by having them sarcastically voice their internal feelings in the format of a mindfulness diary prompt instead of feeling confident enough in your audience to pick up on those themes themselves through subtler acting cues or interactions. It's the internal conflict equivalent of loudly breaking the fourth wall to shout that motorcycle slide was from Akira, instead of having faith in the viewer to catch a reference on their own.

This kind of self aware speaking about emotions definitely has its place, most notably in preschool programming because many of those shows are about teaching kids emotional intelligence and conflict resolution. But I am getting tired of this trope in other genres for older audiences, let things be messy and ambiguous! Your characters don't have to be perfect people! Let them have misunderstandings and make mistakes in relationships instead of speaking like licensed counselors!!

[coraniaid]

I'm not suggesting that Buffy and Faith were secretly dating (or at least making out between patrols) before the events of Revelations.  Even if Buffy joked about “seeing someone tonight” when her friends asked her if she was dating somebody, before putting her arms around Faith and insisting that they were really “just good friends”.  Even if Faith’s reaction to finding out about Angel – “Buffy knew … I can’t believe her” – is very easy to read as romantic or sexual jealousy.  Even if Gwendolyn Post’s last attempt to manipulate Faith (the accusation that Buffy was “blinded by love” for Angel) seems specifically designed to play on this jealousy.  Even if Faith’s decision at the end of the episode that “you can’t trust people” implies she’s been betrayed by more than one person; even if Buffy’s “you can trust me” is met with a disbelieving smirk.

I don’t really think that’s how the writers intended the show to be viewed.  More importantly, I don’t think that Buffy – even if she was emotionally self-aware enough to acknowledge her own feelings – would be ready to have that sort of relationship so soon after Scott Hope, let alone be able to keep it a secret.  

But what I am saying is that, in a world where that actually was the explicit plot of Revelations, you really wouldn't have to change any of the dialogue in the opening scene of The Wish at all. 

This is a scene in which Buffy’s lament that she  “couldn’t reach [Faith] … again” segues straight into her commiserating with Xander over the fact he’s had “no luck reaching Cordelia”.  Cordelia of course, is Xander’s ex-girlfriend who refused to speak to him the last time he went to see her, after Xander was seen secretly kissing Willow, and hasn’t been seen with him since. Cordelia's furious because she was just starting to tell herself that she was in love with Xander and he betrayed her.  Faith, on the other hand, is Buffy’s [redacted] who refused to speak to her the last time she went to see her, after Buffy was seen secretly kissing Angel, and hasn’t been seen with her since.  Faith's furious because she was just [redacted].

Meanwhile Willow tells Buffy she’s looking forward to seeing Oz again so she can “beg for forgiveness”, and Buffy – fresh from visiting Faith’s motel to do “damage control”, to apologize for keeping secrets and to promise her that she’s on her side, and who just finished telling her friends that she’s sad Faith hasn’t been hanging out with her lately  – tells her that that works too, and she “knows the feeling” Willow is going through.

The one line I might cut is the one that doesn’t make much sense even in isolation.  Xander decides that Buffy can relate to what he and Willow are going through because she “went through it with Angel”.  Only … well, yes, it’s true in a very broad  sense that Buffy has already experienced some sort of heartbreak with Angel, but the comparison doesn’t really work beyond that, does it?  Angel didn’t break up with Buffy because she was unfaithful. (Sort of the opposite, really.)  Buffy never had to apologize to Angel for kissing somebody else. She's carrying a lot of Angel-related guilt, but it's not particularly similar to the guilt that Willow or Xander should be feeling (Buffy blamed herself for Angel losing his soul in Innocence and for sending him to hell in Becoming, but she had no way to know the first would happen and was forced to do the latter to save the world). As of the last episode, if anything it’s Buffy who broke things off with Angel.  As parallels go it just feels a little forced.

Again, this is the first time Angel’s been brought up in the conversation.   And yet, Buffy has been talking about somebody she hurt and deliberately lied to and wishes she could make things right with, hasn’t she?

But, like I said, I’m not suggesting that  Buffy and Faith were secretly dating before Revelations.  I’m not.

Obviously that didn’t happen until Bad Girls.

[fireemblems24]

Chapter 8 of Scarlet Blaze

Spoilers for up to Ch 8 beneath the cut. This chapter fucking sucked.

Also, I know I tagged this as SB, but be warned this was pretty critical of it. If anyone is actually still browsing tag and thinks I should remove it, I will.

STORY

Hell, yeah, Dimitri was taking names.

This plot is . . . kinda stupid. I feel like Edelgard is just running back and forth the whole time, accomplishing nothing.

LAMO, Omg, she just straight-up blamed all the deaths from the previous battle on . . . Claude 😂

Edelgard really be like "Why did Claude make me hit him!"

I'm pretty sure the writers didn't intend for SB to read like a Monty Python skit, but Edelgard has less self-awareness than Sir Lancelot when he kept apologizing for slaughtering the wedding party because at least that he was aware enough to apologize.

Oh, Randolph. So how many times does he die this time?

So, like, does Shez want people to get executed if they flip sides? He's like, geeze, how dare Claude and Dimitri forgive people.

Shez is like "I don't understand a word you say Edelgard, but I'm helping you slaughter your way across Fodlan because you may rub off on me!" More "SB is a comedy in disguise" fuel.

I wish I picked F!Shez for every route. I like her VA a lot more. Plus, I've seen this personality on a male character in the countless number of shonen anime and manga I've watched/read, but not as much in a woman. And unlike M!Byleth who's gorgeous, M!Shez is alright, but not super hot or anything.

So Lindhart mentioned that the Kingdom and Alliance can rally against the Empire because of the relics and crests. And like, I don't see how killing Rhea will make that power vanish and people not desperately want it. I feel like so much of Edelgard's spiel is an edgelord's power fantasy with no basis in reality.

This soldier is like "Dimitri labeled everyone who sided with his uncle as guilty in the tragedy of Duscur!" Lamo. Except it's true. Would've been interesting if it wasn't and see how Dimitri handled that. I sometimes wish he got more grey situations bc the writing in Hopes so far he's just . . . the good guy. Like straight-up the hero, no questions. Which, I love because at heart that's what Dimitri is, but I wish the writing would corner him anyways.

Oh, fuck. It's Sylvain. Oh fuck. I don't want to fight him. That sucked.

Count Rowe is being a backstabbing moron. I love how it's always the evil ones that side with Edelgard. It's an underrated thing no one talks about.

And now I have to fight Rodrigue :( Feels bad, killing Blue Lions+ members for the crime of defending themselves.

Ok. It's an unquestionable fact that when you find yourself fighting Annette, you are the villain. This is just truth.

Pretty sure this is heading to a temporary truce between Claude and Edelgard. Which, Claude's (and the Alliance's) funeral, I guess, lamo.

SHEZ & PETRA B SUPPORT

Petra's asking Shez about mercenaries. Questions if Shez would work for the enemy if they offered more money. Aww, damn. You don't have an option to say yes. :(

At least it's somewhat based in trust on their employer (and to get future ones) and not just mindless fangasming. I wouldn't want that in GW or AG either.

DOROTHEA & HUBERT B SUPPORT

This is their only support.

Hubert has a letter from the opera company and wanted to talk to Dorothea, so he's giving it to her in person.

Ohhh, he's bringing up how Dorothea hates violence, but stays and fights in the war rather than returning to the opera.

Glad this is finally getting addressed. Letting Dorothea talk.

It's part wanting to fight alongside her friends and part wanting to represent commoners in Edelgard's army. But also to score a rich husband.

Honestly, much better than whatever the fuck their Houses final support was.

HUBERT & FERDINAND B SUPPORT

So other popular ships got amped up (Dimilix, Dimidue, Marihilda - strangely not Sylvix though). So did the gay get turned up here?

Ferdinand is up late and Hubert wonders why. Ferdinand is studying the law to try and get his father arrested.

Oh, Ferdinand brought up the fact Hubert's father died. Putting Hubert to the question about executing his own father and mad he didn't judge his father in public

Hubert argues that his father would never have been found guilty.

God, that was SOOOOO much meatier than "I wanna serve Edelgard the best!" "No I wanna!!!!"

Monica took over the "pathetic Edelgard simp" to Hubert's "competent Edelgard simp" so Ferdinand could finally fucking get to run.

Ferdinand so far is 10000% the best part of SB (I'd say Petra competes, but I like her better in AG so far).

SHEZ & FERDINAND B SUPPORT

Shez thinks Ferdinand is faking enthusiasm. Not like that. Lamo. He's just overcompensating for his father's failure.

Ferdinand feels powerless and useless. I wish he was the MC.

Shez just wants to help Ferdinand feel better.

Ferdinand wants to surpass his father.

It's a repeat of his stuff with Edelgard and Hubert, but it's by far the most compelling part of SB.

PETRA & HUBERT B SUPPORT

Hubert is checking on Petra to make sure she feels comfortable and temps her with staying in the Empire, but Petra's like "naw."

Worth noting that Brigid is still under the thumb of the Empire. So Petra's a hostage basically forced into this war in order to secure the freedom of her country.

And they can't even go public yet, fearing the citizens get pissed off. Man, the Empire must be full of bloodthirsty land grabbers.

Go Petra! She low-key threatens Hubert and forces them to uphold their promises. Nice seeing her have a backbone.

PETRA & FERDINAND B SUPPORT

Ferdinand sung to Petra to ask her to spar. It's really cringe. Like, realllllly cringe. I would've been embarrassed if I wasn't playing alone.

He thinks this is some Brigid custom, but song and dance is only involved with religious ceremonies. Petra calls him out for finding her country so silly.

It's a mistranslation

Petra owned Ferdinand in this support and we are here for it.

FERDINAND & LYSITHEA C SUPPORT

Talking tea. Can relate.

Lysithea was ready to eat the food and bail. Nice.

But Ferdinand wanted to ask her about joining the commoner class. Lysithea insists she's fine with it and wants to.

Ferdinand doesn't know any de-nobled nobles who are happy. Lysithea know he only knows ones who got kicked out, he's not wrong.

Then he's like, you can't join them! Then you can't change anything anymore. But like what is he fighting on Edelgard's side for?

She, of course, doesn't have a future.

MONICA & BERNIE PARALOGUE

Bernie's enjoying her socially isolated life when Monica needs her help with something because there's no one else around.

You can have Shez agree she shouldn't come, and he says he'll slow them down, lamo. Bernie is offended.

They need to rid bandits out of a cave.

So his Duke is part of it. And he's had problems finding the Fetters of Dromini because of a TWSITD spy. It's also related to whoever kidnapped Monica.

So all I get is Shez, Monica, and Bernie. Only Shez has even looked at a battlefield and the other two are level 1 an 2. I can make 1 an adjunct, but not both. Ugh. Gotta go level at least one up.

Oh, hey, Myson.

I forgot how good of a unit Shez is lol.

Seems like Bernie actually has a decent mom. Bernie just wants to hide in the caves though. Monica advises against it.

DOROTHEA & MANUELA PARALOGUE

This one is easier since they're both leveled up already.

Everyone is fangirling over them. Dorothea assures Manuela that time hasn't tarnished her beauty, but she doesn't buy it.

They wanted Shez as a bodyguard because he's not a crazed fan. I wish real life celebrities would just whip out daggers on ridiculous fans.

This one's more entertaining than the last one. Random thieves are fans and if you defeat them with whoever they're a fan of (Dorothea or Manuela) they join you, lamo. Good both of them are already leveled up too.

Aww, Hanneman showed up to rescue Manuela.

The bandits were swarming the town because of the war. It's nice to see more acknowledgement of how Edelgard's war is screwing over the common folk.

Glad to see Hanneman get a nice little shout out despite getting demoted to NPC. Dorothea and Shez basically told them to get a room, lamo.

STORY/MAIN FIGHT

Edelgard is the least effective conquer I've seen in fiction.

"Defeat Dimitri" - How about, no.

I see "persuade Mercedes." Does that mean I need to bring Jeritza? Because it's not like Hubert or Edelgard are masters of persuasion.

"Defeat Dedue." I hate this. Monica's like, "If Dedue's here, then Dimitri is too." Even SB ships them.

Haha, they flipped sides to Dimitri after he was like "I don't want to kill you, please fight for me instead." And like, no shit?

Aw, shit. Now I have to fight Dimitri.

Oh, now I get to fight Ingrid too. Guys, I'm having so much fun right now. It doesn't help at all that SB is boring as fuck.

Oh, shit. Fuck. What the fuck. Ingrid just died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Oh shut the fuck up, Edelgard. "Oh, this is so painful." IDK maybe stop trying to conquer everyone who doesn't kiss your ass. You too, Monica. "Oh, she was loyal to the end."

I'm beginning to remember why I hated Edelgard so much in CF. She's such a self-righteous idiot incapable of taking responsibility for her shitty actions AND has no sense of self-awareness.

Dimitri and Dedue sound so sad 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Dedue and Dimitri both taking the credit, meanwhile prissy ass is like "oh, wow, so sad these people died. No idea why."

Shit, Dimitri just mentioned Glenn. He sounds so broken up. Glad Dedue is giving Ingrid the credit for her own choices and actions.

She died defending everyone she loved.

I bet Edelgard will find a way to blame Rhea for Ingrid's death rather than take any responsibility for all the death she causes.

Only Dorothea fucking cares about Ingrid.

"We are nowhere near achieving our goals in the Alliance or in the Kingdom." - Edelgard. I can't fucking understand how some people argue she's isn't an Imperialist.

At least she's admitting she's fucking stupid with her army leadership inabilities.

I'd tell Edelgard to go fuck herself, but that implies a level of pleasure she doesn't deserve. #JusticeforIngrid #StoptheImperalists

xxxx

[whetstonefires]

Hi! I hope it's if ask three questions together: 21, 5 and 8 for that delightful fandom ask 💕

in that order!

21. a fandom you're not active in anymore but that you still really like

Oh, tricky! What does it mean to really like a fandom. I have so much affection for most of the ones I've been active in, but at the same time it's often the fandom rather than the source material I used up my enthusiasm for and departed.

Yu Yu Hakusho, maybe? I posted a lot of like, character study bits on ffdotnet for it back in high school and I often think if the fandom was more active I might circle back to it with my more developed writing chops.

I have a lot of beef with some of the fandom's conventions around shipping though so I may not be able to fairly say I love it.

Maybe Trigun. I couldn't get through episode one of the new anime though because they took my Millie, so I failed to join the renaissance.

5. something you see in fics a lot and love

Also hard! Just for the broad scope of the kinds of things that are in fics. But haha, I'm not responsible for figuring out the the intended thrust of the vague question! There are no penalties if I guess wrong!

I really like the bit in a fic when the writer ties their story down to the canon mid-stream. It's such a distinctive feeling, there's a practically kinetic gestural motion to it, that you can often sense it in fics you've never read the canon for. It works basically the same in contexts where you're tying your narrative to an existing non-copyrighted mythos, or doing your diligence as the writer of a licensed sequel. It's the narrative equivalent of showing your sources and flaunting your tailfeathers. The most basic level is just making a point of including Emotionally Significant Plot Object without feeling the need to re-explain its significance in detail because we all know, but it can get so elaborate.

The other day I was reading this fairly high-concept fantasy novel that's quite well done but I can't decide if I like it or not, and it started becoming clear around the halfway mark that one of the major characters had been Merlin this whole damn time and I hooted in satisfaction and outrage every time a new piece of confirmation dropped. Same kind of deal.

Anyway fic creates so much space to do elaborate things with the relationship-to-source-material and I love seeing people have fun with it.

8. you hope more people will come to appreciate _ (a ship, a trope, an episode, etc)

Hm. How beautifully fucked up Jiang Cheng is? This man is suffering so much and he's reasonably self-aware about it and this does not help in the least.

I think the self-awareness makes it worse, actually, because it means he's constantly on the brink of confronting the things he can't let himself think about straight on or he will have a massive fucking breakdown that he cannot afford.

Not enough recognition for how 90 percent of the time when Jiang Cheng is being awful he very clearly knows he's being awful and he kind of hates that and hates himself and is aware that his mom and dad issues are major drivers of this behavior. And none of that means he's able to stop.

It's such a unique hell. Appreciate.

I don't know why that was the first thing I thought of and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the kind of wish that was intended, but here we are.

[emeraldspiral]

Okay, so I know Zim never had a canon age and the “16 in human years” thing was just a thing fanfic writers used to make their high school AU ZADR fics work, which ended up becoming so common people started taking it as canon. It’s only ever been indicated that Zim is older than any living human and at least over 100, but there’s never really been anything to overtly suggest what life stage he’s in. As far as we know, he’s like 40 in human years, but I personally think he’s more likely to be fairly young.

As a kid I always thought he was supposed to be in the equivalent of his 20s. Like, he’s old enough to have a job in the military and live on his own, but he still has a youthful vitality, naivete, and immaturity about him. Like, he’s on the brink of a quarter-life crisis when he sees that other invaders are progressing further in their missions than he is, but he hasn’t yet experienced a medical condition that heralds the beginning of his body slowly failing on him, or become jaded by the realization that other adults in higher positions than him aren’t necessarily smarter or better or even know what they’re doing at all and the system he’s trusted his whole life is broken beyond belief, and he is yet to develop self-awareness about his daddy issues. He also doesn’t seem to have that much life/military experience despite his long lifespan. Tak says they were in military training 50 years ago, but before his fake mission Zim is only ever said to have participated in OPDI and no other wars or military operations beforehand. So he feels like someone who only left the Irken education system fairly recently. It definitely makes sense that he would be young by Irken standards too. Military recruiters love targeting people straight out of high school. So depending on how slow Irkens age, he could’ve started his military training at the equivalent of 18 and still be around 18ish in his lifespan during the main events of the series.

[notverynymphetlike]

In the Time of Chimpanzees

Writing means a ton of self reflection. Half the point is putting all or some or none of yourself, and at least trying to know how much of yourself is there. I think I self-reflect a lot, people say I’m aware of myself and my shortcomings and what would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, or will fix them. I don’t do any of those things, and I don’t know how to force myself to. I don’t know how to force myself to do things I genuinely enjoy, like going to class with really good professors. I don’t know how to force myself to do difficult homework. I know I should. I know I should’ve gotten dressed and went to see a friend from back home I hadn’t seen since graduation at Market Wednesday. Knowing what I should do should be half the battle, that’s what tests are, they’re about knowing what to do, and then doing it. I was a big reader as a kid, apparently the library was cheaper than whatever other options, and it was fun to hang out with my mom like that as a little girl. Anyone who self-describes as “a big reader as a kid” has probably had a phase where they really wanted to be a writer. To write books and be known in history. Then it fades. Then I wanted to be known in history. Then I wanted to be a journalist a la Lois Lane and Vietnam and history and labor movements and helping people. Then that seemed impossible. I was told for years that I was smart. That I should do STEM. I looked around and saw that no one wanted to do chemistry so I figured the job market wouldn’t be as saturated. I did well in economics. My essays, when I turned them in, had a lot of voice and sources. My math homework was complete, science concepts understood. I don’t know what;s wrong with me. I really really don’t. It can’t just be losing structure. Losing almost everyone I’ve known and being thrust where I have to be outgoing. I’m good at being outgoing even if I don’t keep up with the new people. My last, turned in, writing assignment was filled with voice, no sources because it was about an experience I had, how would someone not have voice writing that, and comma splices. He told me to consider a double major in creative writing. Maybe I am depressed enough to be a writer. To write about the sunshine rainbow of what I should’ve been here. I want to make people happy. I want to make the world a better place. I want to live well. I want to know what’s wrong with me. If someone read my shit in a hundred years in an english class they probably could diagnose me better than a school lmhc or my mother. I’ve always thought that being pretty would make people less mean to me. That I’d get a seat at the plastic table. Despite the head bullshit, I am pretty. I’m 5’ and hit 108 on a bad day, but usually ~105. I’ve got a 25” waist, 34” bust and 34” hips. My face is fairly symmetrical, dumb eyes that look turquoise when I cry and green in the sunlight, and full lips. I know time will take the full lips. My teeth are gradually becoming more crooked and yellow, I don’t wear my retainer and I think falling asleep when I’m actually going to fall asleep is better than brushing my teeth. My nose could be smaller, it’s not a little button, but it’s straight and not huge. I’ve got cheekbones, and lost most of my baby fat. I naturally toe the line of dirty blonde and brunette, so once I got the go ahead from my mother, (she puts the blame on dad for not letting me dye my hair, she bleached her hair in high school her mother was a hairdresser for a hot second) I lightened my hair. It dreadlocks even more easily and I recently had to grip and rip a lot of it and then cut the dead ends. The last time, and only since hitting double digits I’m pretty sure, I went to a hair salon for senior prom. I asked about what kind of hair I had naturally and the lady told me a thick amount of fine hair, so right now I do still have a normal amount of blonde hair that now holds a curl. Being pretty, if I am, in fact, pretty, has not fixed all the problems I thought it would. Being outgoing and a spectacle has not fixed anything. Last night someone put my shoes in a garbage can and no one told me, not even the pretty girl I didn’t know who must’ve seen someone put the shoes into the trashcan by her. The spectacle of going down the stairs into the pool wearing a dress in ~65 degrees only made me cold and cost me $7 for half an uber, someone pawing at me, and having to walk half a mile at 7:30 AM. Everyone likes feeling wanted, and the easiest way I’ve seen to get that hit is to be confident and fucked. If you’re being fucked, that person wants you. My parents were good parents. They tried their best. I can handle a man a foot taller than me screaming in my face, a man half a foot taller than me screaming at his car, and get lovingly annoyed at someone getting really intense about football. I get upset and shocked when someone white says the n-word, I graduated high school with a weighted gpa over 4.0, and only needed 3 classes to finish a general AA. I despise the field of therapy, even though I know that’s what this is, me trying to figure out what’s wrong and what to do, I just don’t have someone analyzing and judging me. I know it can help people, but we have brain scan technology, if something is wrong with the brain, just do that. I always need proof for everything to a very obnoxious degree. I had a really bad cough where green phlegm was flying out earlier this semester. I accidentally hit my phone with it, and saved the spit for when I went to the doctor to get it checked out because even though the cough felt constant, what if I didn’t cough in front of the doctor. My mom got me an IUD the summer between sophomore and junior year because I went on social media at the end of freshman year saying this guy had fucked me, and covid hit sophomore year. I took trig that summer too. We’ve known, for about as long as you can know, that I have ADHD. I still haven’t been diagnosed. My kindergarten teacher had to give me extra worksheets because I did them so fast and was distracting everyone else. My first grade teacher had to come up with a new behavior system for me because I was too talkative. I get along really well with people who have ADHD and are good with their coping strategies, usually meds. I don’t get along well with other undiagnosed but ‘know they have it’ people. Like poles repel. I talk fast now. I don’t really think before I speak unless it’s a compliment, I might forget what I’m gonna say and that would suck. My father, when I was younger, wouldn’t wanna listen to anyone else at the table. That does include my mother. I don’t have any siblings. Just now, typing it out, I wonder how he would’ve been if I had a brother. My parents were super young when they had me, older brother wouldn’t have been possible, and at the time when it was the worst that I can remember was mid-elementary, so a younger brother would’ve spoken just as, if not more, stop and start and lackadaisical as I would’ve, and he didn’t even wanna hear about my mom’s studies while she was getting her master’s degree. Her master’s degree in a topic she was passionate about, and found interesting. Most people like listening to that stuff, unless you’re working a job you hate, doing a bachelor’s you’ve stalled out on because you had a kid with that woman and you need to support them. The only bright parts of his day back then seemed to be meeting dogs. And that was all he wanted to talk about. Unless a customer sucked, then we had to hear that story and about how the person was a fat idiot. I eat fast too. I still enjoy good food. I internalized what was probably only said once, and said to many many children who weren’t so affected later on “Stop talking until you’ve finished your food.” They might not even have said that word for word. I talk fast because I wanna say everything, I push every syllable out as fast as I can, I want them to come out all at once so that the person can respond or get back to whatever else they were doing. I hate taking up time. I hated being so dependent for rides in middle school in high school. I never wanted to ask to try out for teams or anything. I had a ‘girlfriend’ before I had a ‘boyfriend.’ I got home and told my dad. I think his reaction would’ve been the same if it were a boyfriend, a weird little ‘ok.’ Like that doesn’t really affect him, why tell him? I seek to prove my bisexuality, I don’t think that’s at all unique to any bisexual. Girls are just way way more intimidating cuz like I’m a girl I should already know what to do, and then getting rejected would suck so hard. I don’t care much if a guy says no, not if it’s in an unserious situation. Guys are guys, they’re a dime a dozen. As I go out more, I’m learning that rejection doesn’t hurt so much if it’s casual and you’ve only known the person for ten minutes, no matter their gender. I get mouth sores the same as my dad. Pineapple has been a known cause. Now he’s a musician and rips people off on etsy. He sets his own schedule and has always been a bit of an insomniac. A conversation that took place 2:30 my time, 1:30 his, was about me getting herpes from going down on a girl. It was over text and perfectly cordial. If someone tells me there’s something actually wrong, I deny it like hell. I feel fine. I’m not one of those. The ADHD thing being one until it really started affecting my grades.

[umbral-stigmata-unbound]

Do you think that Seph will have a breakdown in the 7R trilogy when he is forced to realize that he really is a human and wouldn't be much different from Cloud if they changed places as a parallel to his breakdown in CC? I'd imagine this would only happen when Jenova takes the reigns back from him and straight tells the man, "Yeah homie, you just a puppet like Cloud. you're not special, I would've done same to any other human with my cells". or some sort. This is the only way I can see Seph BECOMING a good guy in the 7R timeline. I do not subscribe to the theory of him being THE good guy at this current point considering how he is relentlessly tormenting Cloud, killed Barret and trolling everyone else in Midgar to an lesser extent. Not to mention, as Aerith says, "selfishly challenging fate without concern of what could happen" What are your thoughts on Seph potentially back to the light? How do you think it will be done? I personally don't like my villains to be redeemed but in Seph's case, I can see how it can be well done if they give it enough time and respect for the character to make it happen.

Anon Asks | Always Open

Hi there! A lot of questions, haha, I'll do my best to answer them! But this is just my understanding, theories, as well as lack of information on FF7R right now.

1- Do you think that Seph will have a breakdown in the 7R trilogy when he is forced to realize that he really is a human and wouldn't be much different from Cloud if they changed places as a parallel to his breakdown in CC? To be honest? I don't really see him having a breakdown. I'm not sure, if Jenova is the one in control in this scenario if she would go so far as to psychologically attack her host, she'd be more likely to manipulate and come off as working with to keep him pliable. And that's if she's in control. I know I've read that there is more than one Sephiroth in Remake, but there are not exact, clear answers as to how many and which ones there are. So it is debatable that there are different ones, in different encounters in Remake and therefor motives are different. However, nature of Sephiroth aside, I don't really see him having another break down. It seems like his fate is either to be broken down, or defeated, unless he were to win (which duh, he likely won't). My only other theory (and this theory is one i hold with full awareness that it is 99.9 percent unlikely to happen and its more a fan idea), is that his motives may be selfish and and self serving but they are still to save the planet from a greater evil currently out of focus...and so he's looking to team up, at the very least, with Cloud, and change what bits of fate he can for a better hope of survival. But I don't see him coming back to any full acceptance of who he once was, canon Seph is too far gone IMO.

2- In reference to what Aerith said to him and about him before and during their battle at the end of Remake, as well as a side note on him being a good guy in Remake... I'll be honest, this is likely solely my opinion and my slightly off grasp of how things are working but...idk, what she says about Sephiroth seems like she's a little off the mark or, honestly, the writers are trying to be different and yet lazier from their original plot and story telling and sources of evil/cruelty/accountability from wrong doings. Because she speaks like he is the sole wrong in the world, everything about him is wrong. My In-Plot explination? Take from OG canon that she may have been disconnected from her abilities for a while and only recently started connecting to them fully, she could be sensing and reading things wrong. Yeah, sure, she's an Ancient and a lot of it is natural to her, but you can't tell my her instinct are infallible. OR, if she's been using them openly for some time, opposing OG canon, she is instead currently still confusing things. I think perhaps she's reading Jenova, the infection that she is, or something more that is connected to Sephiroth but not solely him and just assuming it is him alone. He is a villain, he is at this point in his existence self serving, I don't claim him to be a saint. But he is nowhere near the core evil. He was born from evil and selfishness and carelessness from all side and survived beyond that for only so long before too many things broke him. But he is not the sole evil and I don't like the story telling that. Now, as for him being a good guy in Remake? TBH, I seriously doubt it will happen. Good and Evil team up? Possible, but kind of unlikely; a part of me would love it, and a part of me also hates that this isn't a remaster like I really wanted. But, the only time he was ever 'good' was CC up until Nibelheim, and good is a loose term given all ShinRa had him do as a SOLDIER.

3- What are your thoughts on Seph potentially back to the light? How do you think it will be done? I personally don't like my villains to be redeemed but in Seph's case, I can see how it can be well done if they give it enough time and respect for the character to make it happen. My thoughts on Sephiroth returning to the light, as it were, are fond and self indulgent and are channels solely into fanfiction and roleplay. I do not see it happening in canon, ever, really. I'd be happy to be wrong but I seriously doubt it. How it could be done? There are a lot of ways, I think, but they would take time, consideration, and would likely involve altering one or two key points of Sephiroth's story just to make it work. Again, this is how fanworks are a better indulgent avenue of that possibility. I too prefer redemption to happen only when it fits the character and the story and as much as I adore Sephiroth and like to imagine how things would have went if, say, he'd found out his origins in a more stable environment, if he had been able to be there for Genesis and Angeal rather than run away from him and possibly brought him with...he's just not meant to be anything other than the tragedy he was written to be. And that is why he is my One-Winged Tragedy~

I hope I answered things well enough!! Thank you for your ask!

[voxiiferous]

"Needing and actually doing something are entirely different." And he's certain that Vox must sleep... eventually. At some point. He has a bed and everything, and it even seems used. It’s made, but not in a way that feels crisp and untouched, more like it’s been pulled straight in the morning.

“...Lovely." He's seen Vox, he knows that he, they? Have brought, at least, part of it, on himself, and there is something nice in knowing that he won't become a nameless nobody, despite that. He's never even gotten into a fistfight before! Much less whatever violence laden version of events leads him to where he is now. "It would, perhaps, be a smart choice to stay away from him whilst I'm here, I'm not certain if I can die in Hell... or what happens then."

Vincent makes a slightly strangled noise, there's a lot to unpack in that. "You eat people-- no wait, I knew that. He eats people, he was human. Was he a cannibal in life?" How does he feel about that thought? He's not sure. Is there a lot of Heavenly weapons down here that makes that a concern?" And okay, so people only sort of die permanently, which feels unfortunate when you're already dead.

"You're right of course. It would be a terribly poor choice to leave them out for any would be spy. Why, just imagine if any of the contracted souls decided to find their contracts in order to alleviate themselves of it, the smart choice is to make sure they're no where easily reachable." The logical choice, he thinks, would simply be to ask Vox, but that seems... like feels like the sort of thing Vox won't tell him.

The somewhat strangled noise returns. Well that was certainly proof of the changing times. The idea of sex isn't foreign, even of selling it, men like pretty women on covers, no, what's throwing him is specifically the casual homosexuality. He's spent so long always aware of his actions: never let your eyes linger too long, stay far enough away to never let hands brush in ways that will never be quite that innocent, smile at the girls and let everyone else assume whatever they want. "I'm... happy for him."

Vincent smiles-- well, if he's going to get one chance for it in Hell, then he'll take it. "I would hope that he still does. New and exciting world or not, some things just don't get better than 'In The Mood'." He notices the tail, and laughs gently. "You know, you're terrifying, but... thank you," Flicker of normality and wish fulfillment all in one. It might say something... troubling that it's a demon with whom he's doing it with-- a demon who has at least, passively, threatened him, but that feels... less pressing somehow. He seemed fond enough of Vox, or at least Vox's pet not to kill him

"Different... because you're not a normal sinner? You mentioned how you were created, and I doubt you mean in the traditional way one acquires children." It's a lot of information to take in all at once, but it makes sense that not everyone wound up the same. If all the sinners were as powerful then there would probably be more Overlords, or at least few with as much powerful. Maybe it had something to do with the sins that ended with you in Hell? Or maybe it was just... luck of the lottery? Presumably, that also meant that most sinners couldn't just create people like Astor. "Strange place to live I'm sure, not really anything outright, certainly not part of the normal hierarchy. I suppose so long as I'm here, that makes two of us."

He laughs, pulling his legs up a little higher on the bed. Credit to his future self, it is comfortable. He doesn't even know when it is he dies, but he assumes not... old. Older than he is now, but not enough to avoid an early grave. "I respect your scientific integrity, I'm sure there's bound to be nothing good that comes from a human dying in Hell." He may not have read nearly as much science fiction as some, but even he knows that time travel always seems to pose a headache to the writers. "Never realized how... delicate humans were until I wound up in a place where everything seems bigger and stronger."

[sukunasun]

hi do you write dark content? is it possible we get stalker!geto pls!

sigh sigh...

its the competency for me...the amount of research he’s done, can't really be a stalker if you get caught, or if you don’t at least have a basic understanding of surveillance tech...it’s not difficult sure, where’s the challenge really when no one is safe, when information is so easily accessible, but he shouldn’t complain. after all what has years of experience given him? that he doesn’t go after every type of woman but the ones that happen to just have that little bit of resistance. enough to suspect, to be wary, but not enough that they wouldn’t fall for him. and maybe he genuinely likes you too, but only as someone to own and keep, i’d do anything to tap into that violent and psychotic level of devotion and love he’s so capable of. 

the layers will start to unravel eventually and he comes off a little bit on edge, unhinged too, so creepy how he has zero self awareness, that people are put off by him, "you can't keep threatening to kill the waiter," you say, a little worried at his violent outbursts, and how he's able to just revert back to being the sweetheart you fell for. calm and collected. the emotional whiplash is strong.—"you're right sweetie, i should have just killed him on the spot, that way i wouldn't have to waste my breath..."

the way he’s sending you random packages of the most specific items, how did he know the exact brand of perfume you use, or your bra size. the flowers he sends to your workplace are nice, but the messages are a little much though, there's only so many ‘i love you’s written on every square inch of scallop trimmed card a girl can handle, but still...nice nonetheless, beautiful even.

so expensive too, how could you say no, how could you return the boots you’ve been eyeing for months, your name left on a waiting list for the longest time and he’s managed to get them shipped to you in a matter of days. you wear the boots, the earrings, all these things he’s gifted you and he’ll take it as a sign of your approval, which is why he doesn’t think you’ll turn them down...not the drawings he’s made of the two of you entwined, holding hands or having him atop you, he’s even got the colour of your hair and eyes in the right shade. what an artist, and a writer too, or at least the ten-page fanfic he’s written will be a testament to his skill, pictorial the way he describes how exactly he jerks off to you, how he’d like to see the fear flash across your eyes for that split second he presses a knife to your skin, against fleshy thighs, should he carve his name there?— “i was just being poetic you know, i won’t actually do that stuff...” he laughs it off.  

and he loves listening in on your conversations, searching up every contact in your phone, everything he does leads up to this, to hear you say "oh i love him, we're soulmates, i hope we'll stay together forever,” and he can't help but smile. beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what he sees in you stems less from physical attraction but that you’d be willing prey, he’ll be patient, doesn’t care how long it’ll take because of the satisfaction he gets when it all comes together.

you’ll be so happy with him, caresses the photos he’s taken from dark corners, on a rooftop, some he’s stolen straight off your job website. pinned to his wall alongside maps spread open, coordinates he’s scribbled on a piece of scrap paper, bank statements and text messages, your blood test results and medical records, all the people who've wronged you framed in passport sized thumbnails, arranged in a neat, uniformed line, red crosses over the ones he's already taken care of...suddenly that annoying co worker who makes you work overtime has disappeared, and your ex-boyfriend hasn’t posted anything in awhile...but geto's a professional of course, never leaves a trail, whether by bullet or knife or his bare hands, he loves you enough to not get you in trouble, he wouldn't want that for you...

your eyes rake over them, it finally clicks—"you killed them,” you whisper, shocked. breaths puffing out hurriedly, your heart begins to hammer, pounding so loud you miss his thumping footsteps coming closer.  "i had to,” geto replies standing before his handiwork, the attention to detail, a whole masterpiece. 

he’s sympathetic, hates seeing you so upset, fingers coming up to graze over the picture of your ex-boyfriend, “he wronged you,” geto explains, then drags his hands to the next photo, fingers pointing to your colleagues, “and they were such a nuisance weren’t they? i didn’t like that they made you work so hard…i waited all night for you to come home,” his shoulders rise and fall as he lets out another sigh, one that carries memories of sitting by his multitude of screens displaying live footage from cameras he’s no doubt set up, wired microphones in every corner of your apartment. 

"i know you best, i’ve seen everything,” ; taking a nap at 2, then work on a dissertation at 4, his eyes never leaving you for a second. casually watching you while sipping on tea, eyes taking in your form lounging in a bed, plush pillows resting under your chin, against your hip as you tap away at your computer and knows just exactly what you're doing; he knows you’re catching feelings, that you have notes written out of date ideas and long, long letters you'll never send to him, 'bday gifts' and 'children's names' in a bullet point list, all the cute new outfits waiting in a cart, and there’s the porn...just that little thing he rewards himself with—indulges in the fact that somehow your tastes are very specific, why are tall men with long hair the only thing you search for, that you’re more inclined to, or that you specifically like listening to the audios with melodic voices, whiny men who get right up to the mic and beg. and sometimes it’s the other way around...how dark and depraved you are to like what he does to you, “we belong together, i can make you happy, aren't you tired of being alone?” he says then, after he’s wound the rope around your wrists and it starts to cut into the skin, he pleads, he cries, “i couldn’t live without you...we’re meant to be...don't you want to be loved?" knowing you waited so long to hear it.

——————————————————

(inspired by a few lil messages from a discord chat with @sandsorghum ! )

[heavenstocharlee]

Orbiting // m.lee

“Can I make it with you, if I orbit around you?”

Summary:  Haze. A despicable name people called you, as your dating life became a public spectacle to everyone. Everyday you hoped that some would see beyond the pretense, when lo and behold, comes Mark Lee. You refuse to believe the truth, until one fateful night where boundaries between friendship and something more become blurrier than ever. The orbiting was over, and collision was imminent.

Characters: Mark Lee x fem!reader

Category: strangers to lovers!au / college!au / angst / mutual pining / slight slow burn (apologies) / suggestive scene / fluff if you squint 

Word count: 15k+

Warnings: Main character has low self-esteem after being with toxic people, has self-deprecating/intrusive thoughts, please be aware! / Chenle and Yuta are meaaan (so sorry)

Song inspiration: Peace by Taylor Swift, Dress by Taylor Swift, Orbiting by Reese Lansangan

Writer’s notes: Hello everyone! After a long hiatus, here is another Mark Lee work of mine. This took so much longer than I was hoping, but it also felt more intimate to me than ever. This idea came to mind when I was listening to Dress by Taylor Swift, and soon followed more songs that fit the meteorological narrative I was imagining. I really hope you guys would enjoy this as much as I had fun stress-writing it (for almost two years)! Well wishes to everyone and happy reading! 

The bare reflection in the mirror reveals yourself, fully unprepared for the night that is about to come. You convince yourself that by doing this game of dress up, you can stall the time enough for your feelings to change. Turning towards where your bed is located, a black satin dress laid upon its pale beige sheets. This outfit was out of your comfort zone to say the least, considering you were more of the type of girl who would wear your favorite sweatpants for parties. However, this was no regular party. A certain someone was there, and you were aiming to leave an impression on his fine evening.  To further awaken your uncertainties of the evening, you placed both of your hands against your cheek allowing its coldness seep through your nerves.

The beginning of festivities always seemed to be the hardest, but you muster up all your courage to get ready. You wore a classic winged eyeliner paired with your hair swept into a low side ponytail. The noir dress complemented the silver choker decorated around your neck. Instead of sacrificing your toes for the party, you sport your black leather boots for good luck. Catching the reflection once again in the mirror, you begin to recognize yourself even more in this look.

Was it enough to instigate the reckoning? Swearing by the stars and sky, You hope so.

A loud car honk sirens your wishful thinking for the night. You look upon the window and saw your friend, Ryujin, waving at the front porch. Quickly collecting your things and spraying yourself with an aroma of courage you’ve built up all night, you decided to step out of your apartment. The stars were evidently rooting for you tonight, as the clouds hid behind their shining glory. Despite the cold spring breeze of May, it was not enough to diminish your excitement of what’s to come.

“Looking extra dolled up tonight, are we?” The lovely Ryujin, dressed in her long-sleeved polo shirt and black baseball cap, greets you with a smirk on her face.

“Are you finally going to declare your love? Oh, I mean tempt the man of your dreams? She further exclaims.

“First of all, I am not a temptress. Let’s get that straight.” Waving your pointer finger to prove a point. “Secondly, I don’t plan to reveal my feelings anytime. He deserves to know at the right time.” “And definitely not in a place where it reeks of booze and cigarettes.” You jokingly added while fastening on your seatbelts. Ryujin starts to drive, still with a sly smile across her face.

“Are you still going to keep on stalling? Mark is a hot guy, _____. He is not going to stay single until the end of the year.” She glances at your side, admitting a well-known fact you already know.

Oh, the epitome of a gentle sunshine, Mark Lee.

“I get that. It’s just…” You try to form the next few words into your head before confessing.

“He is worth waiting for.” A smile forms from the edges of your lips. Ryujin nudges you teasingly.

“Okay, Miss Hopeless Romantic! You guys sound perfect for each other, so he is bound to end up with you… I just feel it.” She taps you in the thigh to reassure your worries.

After countless banters adjacent to the neon city lights, you arrived at the place of interest. Kim Jungwoo’s residence or more so his parent’s summer villa. You observe the mansion that is in front of you, lavishly decorated with gleaming fluorescent lights and electronic sound pounding across the structure. Ryujin accompanies you to the entrance, but from the moment you stepped into the hall, you felt everyone’s eyes were on you. Oh man, were you the belle of the ball.

You weren’t necessarily the most lowkey person in your small college. Unfortunately, your legacy does not originate from the championships you won, or the scholastic grades you earned, but in your “gossip-worthy” dating history. Your name does get around in places you wish wouldn’t, but as much as you said it didn’t bother you, the blatant and judgmental stares when you enter the room sometimes feel like daggers piercing through your skin. These thoughts ruminate on most days, however at some point, you just realize that you can’t control them. You already despise yourself enough.

Trying your best to hold your chin up high, you try to scurry unto the sea of people and arrive in the lobby staircase. This is where you are welcomed by the host of the party.

‘Hey, _____! Nice to see you got here just in time.” Jungwoo greeted. You gave him a friendly hug as a way of appreciation for the not so casual invite.

“I know, Ryujin was such a slow driver.” You nudge towards Ryujin who rolls her eyes as a reply.

“But you bet, I’ll never miss a party in the Kim residence.” You gave a wink.

“Says the one who took ages to get ready. Anyways, I need to greet some of my folks over there!” Ryujin happily remarked while looking across the kitchen where her dance club members are.

“Help yourselves guys! There are drinks, pizza, and some churros. God they’re so good, ______!” He invitingly smiled while pointing over the feast on the counter table. Ryujin sends one of her buddies a wave, before pointing her phone towards you. This is assuming she will text you if she decides to run off with a boy tonight or if she would be an unlucky woman of the night and be your chauffeur home. She slowly disappeared into the vast crowd of people.

“By the way, the squad is over on that side if you’re wondering. They seem eager to meet you about something.” Jungwoo pointed out the sofa where some of your friends are playing beer pong.

“Got it, but first… I am in deep need of a drink.” You gesture to your empty hands, when a handsome young fellow suddenly appeared like magic, and placed a red solo cup unto your palms.

“Here you are, milady.”

You immediately recognize this charmer as one of your closest friends, Jeong Jaehyun.

“Thank God Jae, you are a lifesaver. My only wish is that you continue to refill this cup before it gets empty, or else I’ll be grumpy.” You joked. He responded with a hearty laugh.

“As the designated driver of the night, your wish is my command. I honestly have a feeling you would get yourself wasted tonight.” He gestures a cheer before drinking the liquor.

“Why is that so?”

“Based on that outfit and a certain someone? I feel like you’re ready to lose yourself tonight.” He smirks before drinking the alcohol in his cup. He knows you too well.

“But if you want to go home with someone else tonight, just call me.” He winks.

This time you gave the honest laugh. “Well, I did not come to play around tonight. Maybe next time?” You take a gulp of your Rum Cola, as you watch Jaehyun radiate a meaningful smile that you sometimes miss.

“Well then, let me lead you into the lion’s den.” He stretches his left arm to lead you into the boys on the other side of the room.

Skimming through the people on the dance floor, you recognize more familiar faces sitting by the sofa with drinks in their hands and laughter-filled atmosphere. Nevertheless, one face stands out by the rest of them. That someone is wearing a green and blue plaid shirt with a black t-shirt underneath. Paired with ripped black pants paired with white sneakers. Sparkling eyes and a gorgeous smile. Yes, Mark Lee. The man worth waiting for.

The exact moment your eyes meet, time felt like it ran by ever so slowly; frame by frame just to tease you tonight. Mark looks at you with awe and recognition in his orbits, and he seemed to act like a deer in headlights seeing how you look tonight. He takes a scan of you from shoes to neck up, and though it made you slight conscious, you certainly were happy it was enough to get his attention this evening.

 Your fateful meeting happened during the 30th of October. It was the last day of midterms and a Halloween party galore happening in your local college. It was a special evening, as your school opened for picnics in the big courtyard and various clubs are holding their socials in spooky festivity. You didn’t dress up as anyone, mainly because you didn’t enjoy the holiday that much, but also because you already caught too much attention. This is around the time you just recently broke up with the school’s notorious football player, Yuta Nakamoto.

Your dating life has always made its way in the halls of this school, for reasons still unknown to you. You were known by many names: whore, attention-seeker, fuck girl. However, one stuck amongst the crowd and that is Haze. A mist that lures you in not knowing they are in for a trap. This one you seem to hate less than the others.

You don’t know why people care so much who you date, but it seems to be the talk of the town every single time. Yes, you love to date around. Give your time to handsome men who give you attention, but it was never for the sake of a heartbreak. Everyone seems to think that you take a list and cross off every single hot guy in college, but on most times, you genuinely enjoy their company. You enjoy the attention and “love” they give. Or at least try for some time. Until they cheat, move on for greener pastures, or leave you to fend for yourself.

 As you walk through the dimly lit yet well-decorated halls, you spot the man who was brave enough to invite you in a campfire hangout and disrupt your annual showing of your favorite Halloween movie, Monster House. This man was the resident clown of your friend group, Lee Haechan. He spots you instantly and does a big wave before shooting you with finger guns. He seems to be wearing a banana in a cowboy costume. Classic Haechan.

You slowly tread your way into the picnic area and greeted the people in the circle. Most of them you recognize, like Jeong Jaehyun, the architecture student whom you casually “messed around” from the past but in good terms with, and Kim Jungwoo, the kinesiology major and close family friend. However, there was someone who you were unfamiliar with. He was a black-haired fellow, sporting a blue hoodie, black Vans, and strumming a guitar on his lap.

“Wassup, _____! Glad you could make it.” Haechan daps you like you usually do.

“You were not joking about the banana officer, huh?” You replied with a sheepish laugh.

“It’s so crazy that after all the years you still doubted me.” The young man facepalms himself in disappointment.

“I was absolutely serious, and I look hella good in it, right?” He twirls around, then takes his fake guns in the holster around his waist and poses nonchalantly. This made you burst out laughing.

“I wouldn’t say it’s bad, but it does sound like Haechan.”

“Hey _____! Wait who are you supposed to be?” Jungwoo curiously asked.

“Well… honestly, I am just me, but if you’re looking for a creative answer, it would be Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn 99.” Crossing your arms, you act coy after confessing.

“Come on, you could’ve taken this opportunity to spice things up a bit. It’s Halloween! The perfect place for “fun” if you know what I mean?” Jungwoo teasingly bumps you and winks. You reply with a sigh.

You sit beside Jaehyun, dressed in a Clark Kent/Superman attire that suits him so well. “Help me out here buddy.”

“Jungwoo, she clearly isn’t ready yet. Maybe it’s you who should be spicing things up a bit, Mr. Antman.” You both share a laugh, Jungwoo not sharing the same sentiment.

“Don’t you dare make fun of my hero. He clearly is the best Avenger.” Jungwoo confidently replies.

“Yeah, yeah we know.” You roll your eyes at his statement. It was then that your eyes fall upon the young man still fiddling with his guitar. He is seemingly busy enough not to join the conversation developing in front of him. Just as you were about to ask about him, Haechan interrupted your actions.

“We’re just going to get some food and drinks, stay here and keep my friend company, okay?” He points towards the man in the blue hoodie.

“He tends to get lost in his thoughts for a while, so just tell him we’ll be back.” Jungwoo adds.

“He is nice _____, don’t worry. Same drink as before?” Jaehyun kindly inquires.

“You got it, Jae.”

They slowly fade in the distance and now you are left with the dilemma of looking after this guy who you don’t even know. When you turned around, his back was turned back against you, cross-legged sat on the mat, and fixing the strings of his guitar. Just when you were about to sit down, he lifts the instrument up and starts strumming a tune. Curiosity must’ve struck you by then, because you were excitedly ready to hear what the man was about to play. You slowly sneak unto his right shoulder and sat beside him.

“So, what are you gonna play?” You leaned towards his right side, trying to get as glimpse of his features. The poor man jolted, and the guitar created a loud dissonant sound across the courtyard.

“Oh… hi, sorry I did not see you there.” He scratches his head out of apology and you can finally see the feature of this mysterious man.

You often wonder if it’s the starry night skies or the campfire’s embers filling the air, but you swear his dark brown eyes sparked that night. There was a ray of light that gleamed in his face despite the mysterious evening. He smiled ever so innocently; the extraterrestrial kind, the ones that make you realize that pure people like him still exist. Based on his reactions, he seems to not recognize you or your faults.

You immediately bow your head as an offer of apology. “That was completely my fault, I should’ve just quietly listened.”

“No, that’s okay. I’m not used to people like you—or just an audience in general.” He bashfully commented. The slight blush across his skin were evident even in the warm lights of the campfire. This made you feel like a high school student experiencing puppy love once again.

“Please, go ahead. Let me hear what you’re about to play Maestro.” You gesture your hands for him to continue and offered your best smile to this man you just met.

“Oh okay...” He fiddles around the knobs one last time, before starting to play a song. The poor man still obviously nervous by your presence was quite timid to have a complete stranger watch him stumbling upon his lyrics and hums, but despite that you stuck through the whole song. You found the whole ordeal cute and endearing, as he tries his best to perform with joy in his expression. He ends it with a light strum, and bitter expression in his face.

“I definitely did not gain a fan tonight, haven’t I?” He scratches his forehead. You quickly shook your head in response.

“No, no… you did great! Thank you for showing me your talent. It takes guts.” Offering your sincerest applause, his blush fades into a grin.

“Oh… I’m ______ by the way. Haechan’s friend.” You offer your hand, in hindsight, probably too formal for the setting, but he quickly puts down the guitar and holds your hand in greeting.

“I- I’m Mark. Haechan’s childhood friend.” You lightly shook his hand as a reply.

“And you’re supposed to be…” You motioned unto his outfit.

“I didn’t really dress up, but if anyone asks its Peter Parker from Spiderman.” Mark admits.

“I totally get you! I tell people I’m Rosa from Brooklyn 99, but I didn’t really dress up.”

“Not a fan of Halloween?” He inquired.

“Not much. I’d rather spend it just watching Monster House.” You replied, curiously anticipating his reactions. He chuckles lightly.

“I am not much of an extrovert too, so in big events I just stay home. Haechan is a total pushover though.” You nod excessively as a reply, noting your common enemy. Mark seemed to be become more and more relaxed as the time went on. He suggested some of his favorite Halloween movies he loved when he was young, and you tell the most outrageous Halloween party you went to. Your first conversation made you aware of how fun and easy-going Mark, he complemented your energy very well. Just as it was getting good, the squad approaches your mat, so you both try to return to your usual postures.

“How is everybody getting along here? Mark, I see you’ve already met ______.” Haechan gestures towards you. Mark nods as a reply and looks at you possibly for emotional confirmation.

“Oh yes, he was cool enough to show me his guitar performance.” You replied, watching Mark’s expression light up with the mention of cool.

“Way. To. Go. Peter Parker! Showing off your skills tonight, eh?” Jungwoo slaps his thighs and teasing him for his outfit for tonight. Mark pinches him back and they start bickering around. Jaehyun arrives, giving you your favorite drink, a Crush Cream Soda. You opened the can immediately and drank it in satisfaction.

“A non-alcoholic drink, ______? What are you 17?” Haechan teases.

“Give me a break! I had too many events this week, my liver needs breaks too. Plus, I’m not an alcoholic like you, Haechan.” You mockingly joke. Mark laughs in response. A genuine first of the night.

“I bet that one day, Haechan will be carrying a one pack instead of six pack abs, because of all the beers he consumed during his youth.” Jungwoo jumps in and everyone laughs. Haechan starts hitting Jungwoo in the chest.

“Oh, Mark did you know that _____ here is an astrology student? She loves all the stars, horoscopes, and rock shit.” This time you hit Haechan in the back. The poor man fake cries in response.

“It’s Meteorology, Haechan. Two different things.”

“Mr. Nerdy Peter Parker guy over here is an English literature major by the way. He’s the main reason why my essays in Mr. Edwin’s Literature class last semester got A’s.” Jungwoo interjected. Mark stared him down on the side, implying that it was a pained memory, you laughed.

“God that last essay was awful.” Jaehyun mentioned and a synchronized nod was shared in the circle.

“I have him for this term, and our final assignment does sounds extra tough.” You sighed.

“If you don’t mind, I can help you if you want. I’m pretty sure I still have his notes from last years…” Mark kindly mentions.

“O--only if you are okay though. With me.” His voice slightly falters at the end of his sentence.

“I should be saying that Mark. You would fear how badly I write.” You chuckle, though you soon realize how much an A can greatly affect your final grade.

“I would honestly shy away at this opportunity, but I am pretty scared of failing his class. So, thank you so much, that would be of so much help.” You bow down slightly in a way to reply to him courteously, he shook his hands to show that it was not of big deal. With a glance, you could see his faultless smile slowly form and until this day it is forever embedded in your mind.

“Is this the start of something else?” Jaehyun annoyingly inquires.

“We have done something good guys.” Haechan taps Jungwoo and Jaehyun in the arms and Mark replies with an elbow jab to his thigh as his way of acting his shyness.

It was nice to meet everyone that night, as you all got the chance to unwind after such tough midterms. Mark did not mention anything about who you’re dating next, or your past relationships, it was just pure friendship talk. That alone sparked interest in you. It truly was such a big difference, as all you could remember that week was just people’s whispers and inquiries about your life. You were happy that these men never really cared about those gossips. Bits of happiness you would say, enough to keep you going to the next few months.

Little did you know, that really was the start of something. Out of all the plans and formulations you’ve laid out in your life, this one seems to be the most unprecedented. In the Richter scale, you’d say Mark’s meeting was of great magnitude level of earthquake.

They say the best love comes unexpectedly.

This one, however, was not just any ordinary encounter,

He disembarked, brought the totality of the sky, and offered it unto your presence.

 Looking back at it now, you’re unsure if you were charmed by his smiles or you’re in that desperate need of a good grade in English literature. Maybe it’s a little bit of both, but you were set in meeting this man at least once a month to discuss your final paper. Your first meeting was scheduled in the library, not in the totally quiet kind, but in the semi-private one where you can converse freely. As a constantly late person, you strived to be early this time around, but when you arrived at the place he was already nose deep into his textbook. The young man was wearing black turtleneck, gray buttoned shirt, washed blue jeans, and his black spectacles. His pale skin was even more evident as the sunlight hits the high points of his face. You can’t help but admire his features. This made you become conscious of what you’re wearing. A white buttoned shirt, cream colored sweater vest, and black skirt, or as your friend Ryujin described it a “classic academia” look. You did look done up, but man you kind of wish you worn something warmer as the library’s air conditioner was blasting today.

You slowly made your way towards the low seated tables, trying your best not to surprise the man who was willing enough to tutor you this term.

“Hello there!” You greeted the busy boy. He offered you the cutest smile in the world. This sent you into a spiral of emotions and Lord did you forget your words.

“Oh-- thanks for helping me by the way. I hope I don’t take much of your time.” You carefully sit in the chair in front of him and placing your backpack on the floor. He closes his book and starts arranging his stuff.

“It���s absolutely okay! This also serves some practice for me… I—” He trails of his sentence as you were starting intently in his face. This made him nervous, transferring the jitters to you as well.

“I was thinking of become a teacher.” He confesses shyly.

“That sounds great for you! Wow, I am not only your first live audience but your first student as well? What an Honor, Mark Lee.” You compliment with the best smiles.

“Don’t compliment me too much, I haven’t taught you anything yet.” He scratches his head out of embarrassment. It seems to be a habit now that you recall your first meeting.

“I am just giving you a heads up, my paper is really bad. Please help me.” You faced your laptop towards him so he can inspect your material. He shakes his head and reassures you that he is not going to be judging you for it.

There was something oddly trustworthy about Mark, after your first interaction he seemed to be nice enough to not judge your character. You were afraid that Mark would get a whiff of all the bad talk going on around you, but during this moment you silently wished he would stay ignorant, or at least not care enough to avoid you. You hoped he was different.

You were awoken from your thoughts when he calls out your name out of the daze.

“Oh sorry, I was off to dreamland. How bad is it?” You fearfully inquired.

“You make it sound that you don’t know grammar, but this is better than what you make it out to be.” He assured you with a positive nod.

“It still needs a lot of work though, but that’s why I am here, right?” He tilted his head to side as he utters the question. This gives you assurance, that you trusted the right person to share your pieces with.

“Okay, I’m in your care Mr. Lee.” You bow your head and welcome the new friend you just made.

 Time flew by very fast during your first session, and honestly all you could remember was how insightful Mark was teaching you grammatical issues that you probably should’ve known before university, helping you narrow your thesis topic, but still maintaining positively concise throughout. Of course, not all the session were you asking questions, he was also doing homework while you work on your paper. You try not to disturb the man, as he seems pretty interested in reading and taking notes. Time passes quickly than you hope and now you realize it’s past 6 pm and you must get home and make dinner. Mark realizes you checking your phone and recognizes that was enough time for your English homework.

“It’s getting late now, and you probably should try to have the introduction and first body paragraphs done for the next session. By the way, do you have a ride home?” He slowly packs his homework and books laid across the table.

“Yeah, I still have some errands to do with Ryujin and it seems like she just finished cheerleading practice. How about you?” You inquire.

“I’m heading straight home, still got loads to take notes.” He packs his bag up and escorts you into the exit doors of the library. You nod along, but we’re reminded of one special event you were looking forward for tonight.

“Oh! I am not sure if you’re interested...” You mention almost too excited to your liking. “The Leonid’s Meteor Shower is happening tonight between midnight and dawn… if you are interested in watching it.” Your last few words come quieter, and you try to compose yourself for someone you barely know.

“That is pretty cool. Thank you for telling me, will be on the lookout for it.” He enthusiastically nods. You were pleasantly happy that he was as interested as you.

“Well, it was a nice first session with you Mark! I’ll see you again, soon?”

“No problem! Hey, if you have any questions, you can text me anytime and we can arrange sessions to your liking.” He mentions. You try not to think that this is his way of saying “I want to keep meeting you” but you can’t help it. You want to keep meeting him some more, this point on, out of interest, but you didn’t want to get your hopes up. So, you settle with a nod and wave as you walk to the other side of the school.

That night both of you admire the works of the same sky; the heavens showering meteors across its vast blue expanses. The stars were evidently speaking, and Mark never forgot to text you the view of his balcony. It brought a smile to your face, replying with your own rooftop setting. Oh, to be connected like this. Unknowingly, it’ll be the start of something grander than what you intended.

All Mark wanted that day was to eat peacefully, as he was already stressed about his theology quiz after lunch time. Boy, he was wrong.

“Are the rumors true, Mark?” Chenle curiously asked the young man quietly eating his sandwich.

“What rumors?” Mark intriguingly replied.

“That you’re hanging out with Haze!!!” Chenle raised his voice, a little bit too loud for Renjun’s liking.

“You’re too loud. And ______ is her name. Address her the right way.” Renjun scolds him while slapping his shoulder. Chenle calms down for a bit and awaits Mark’s answer.

“If you’re talking about _____, then yes, we are meeting. But that’s only because I’ve been helping her with her Literature homework.” He genuinely responds.

“Ah I see. I thought you guys were hooking up. Whew.” Chenle sighs, which confused Mark even more.

“What does that mean? Why did you call her Haze?”

“You didn’t tell her Renjun? Man, I thought you were a real friend.” Chenle glares at Renjun and he slaps him as a reply.

“Well, first of all, it is none of our business. Second, I don’t agree with any of accusations towards her because I know she is an angel, and lastly… that is up to her if she wants to tell Mark, right?” Renjun calmly iterates.

“Okay, you guys are so confusing. What the hell are you guys talking about?” Mark exasperatedly sighs. Chenle rearranges his seating, almost as if he was about to drop some truth bomb.

“You see, _____ has gotten the nickname Haze because everyone who dates her seems to be in a spellbound when with her. She was always lovely in the beginning, but once the fog clears up, she dumps them.” He looks at Mark waiting to see his reaction to all of this. Mark just stares him unfazed.

“Girls just purely hate her because they say she plays with men’s hearts… especially hot ones. Boys on the other hand, reduce her to a sexual object. That is why is she is the so called, Haze. Unbearable, dull, and evil.” Renjun shakes his head of disapproval. Mark seems to be in thought for a while, looks down at his food, and resumes eating.

“Aren’t you at all scared of what everyone’s going to think of you? You’ll be called Haze’s next victim.” Chenle exclaims.

“Right, because you haven’t met her yet.” He heavily places his utensils down.

“Any of those descriptions don’t resound to the ______ that I know. I don’t really care what her past was, and I’m just a mere tutor to her Literature homework... Nothing more, nothing less.” Mark continues drinking his lemonade but stops midway.

“But if you continue to disrespect her like that, I will have issues with you, Chenle.” He stares right back at him. Mark is rarely seen mad in the group, and the boys got the message loud and clear.

“See Lele, don’t play with Mark. Besides, Mark is nowhere hot as the ones _____ dated so we are good.” Renjun jokes and Chenle laughs exaggeratedly.

“What the hell does that mean?!” Mark exclaims.

“Hell yeah, Mark is neither as handsome and talented as Yuta or Jaehyun.”

Mark almost spats his food, luckily, he just coughed. Most surprised because of the latter name, because you and Jaehyun seems to still be close friends. “She dated them?”

“More of the notable ones. Just think of the hottest boys in this college, 10/10 chances she dated them before.” Chenle mentions. This makes Mark reflect on his own, not because he shames you for your choices, but rather than his own appearance and status towards these more attractive men.

“Anyway, whatever happens don’t cry when you fall for her, okay?” Renjun pinches Mark’s cheek and Mark removes his fingers briskly.

“Like I said, nothing less… nothing more.” He glances at your table across the room and reaffirms his feelings.

 The second session was of an exciting nature. You guys met in the same library but this time you wore the right clothes for the weather. Desperately trying to be early but ultimately failing, you see the silhouette of the man at your usual spot. He was wearing a denim jacket with a striped sweater underneath. This time around, he was still wearing his glasses that complimented his black vans sneakers. You are wearing your gray sweatshirt today with your cargo pants, opting for a more casual vibe. You slowly walked up to him and softly said your “hey” to get the young man’s attention. He notices and greets you with a familiar smile. During this time, you had more chances to get to know each other even more. How Mark doesn’t like frozen yogurt and ketchups, and how you are deathly allergic to shrimp and afraid of the thunder. Little things he did, you also started noticing. His mannerisms, like saying “honestly” a lot, or moving a lot while laughing. These little things told you how he is as a person. These were also the times when you seem to notice how his touch seems to linger slightly longer and his pale blush resurfacing underneath his cheeks when you stare a little too long. At the time, you thought you were imagining it, but one thing’s for sure… his presence eases you enough that you forget, even for just a moment, that the world is not closing in upon you.

Simple things, you said. But you heart does not deem it simple. They start to matter. They start to be engraved in your being.

This was unlike any of your encounters. And that is where the danger lies.

Time flew faster the second time around.  Unaware of the passage of time, it was your growling stomach alerted you that it was already past school hours. Mark glanced at the clock on his left, and he quickly realized that he kept you longer than usual. You were already thinking of either stopping for groceries or eating at a place nearby when these thoughts were stopped when Mark spoke with clarity.

“I know it is kinda late, but do you maybe... want to grab something to eat?” He asks sincerely. “It’s okay if you say no, I know you are busy with everything and I’m a stranger—”

You chuckled at his offer, and this stops him from embarrassing himself with running sentences.

“I am absolutely down to eat. Especially something warm, and not alone in this dreary weather.” You mention while looking at the white snow softly falling upon the pavements of the campus.

“Okay, I’ll drive you to some place warm then!” He excitedly cleans his stuff up and you can’t help but admire his child-like wonder.

Mark takes you to his favorite ramen place. This was the after-hour session that granted you to see Mark in a different light; someone beyond the confinement of the cream library walls you both were comfortable in. Some of your discoveries were: 1) Mark does not mind listening to your TMI stories, even more so, he jumps in with his own anecdotes. This made you extremely comfortable with him. 2) Mark seemed like someone you’ve met before, because you both understand each other with such ease. In some lifetime. In some way, shape, or form, he felt familiar. 3) Mark was non-judgemental. You never had to worry about how you act, because he welcomes you with his bright smile. Never judged. Pure and untainted. That was what you craved. You, however, believed you were beyond repair.

Within all the banter exchanged, dating or love life never came up in the conversation. This slightly made you nervous, as it might mean that he wasn’t interest with you. You were just a girl who is bad at writing and in need of help. Why would that matter? You did not know. He was just a tutor, right? Raging thoughts ran in your mind at surpassing rate. What if he is just playing with you? What if knew about everything and is just being nice to you because he feels bad?

“______, are you okay?” Mark’s gentle voice shakes your consciousness. The world was once in distortion, and with one sound, it was silent.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry just dozed for a bit.” You mention, brushing hair strands to the back of your ear.

“Hey, if you are worried about anything…” He starts rubbing his nape and turning his head away before finishing his thought.

“Even if it’s not Literature related, I hope you know—that you can tell me. No judgement.” He sneaks up a glance, anticipating for your reaction. Even without a mirror, you can tell that your cheeks got even redder than what it was winter hours ago. He doesn’t even know how much those words meant to you. You try to compose yourself at once, stubbornly refusing to admit your weakness for him.

Leaning your head slightly and you smiled sneakily. “Are you sure you can handle my secrets, Mark?”

“People say I’m a good listener and keeper of secrets. So, yes. Whenever you’re comfortable, lay it all on me.” He dramatically puts his right hand on his chests and acts assertively.

“Maybe, I’ll take you up on that offer soon. Thank you, genuinely, Mark.”

The night ended with him driving you home. Mark, aside from wanting to be a teacher, was passionate about music. He shared his favorite songs with you, and of course you made fun of his devotion to Justin Bieber. You also texted with him through the night, heck even for the rest of the week. It has now become a routine that you both share each other’s burdens. Almost like you guys are each other’s vent station. With your high tempered self, Mark diffuses you very well. With Mark’s constantly worried ass, you reassure him of his strengths very well. You complemented each other effortlessly.

It was good to be true, honestly. You try to enjoy it selfishly, but in the back of your head lies the thought that he will eventually leave you.

Mark was nervous about the last session, oddly because it was in a completely different setting than before. You both knew each farther than before. Furthermore, this closeness was unlike any of Mark’s experience. He found himself always looking forward to your texts, your monthly meetings, and even seeing you in the school halls. He wishes daily that he gets to see you once, so that his day becomes complete. Oh, he was head over heels, yet somewhat still in denial.

He has never found someone as genuine as you do. He fears the familiarity, as he was thinking of his heart’s ability to accept that you were out of league for him. So, he cut off most of the red strings even before they were starting to attach with one another. To him, you are one resplendent unreachable destination. Like a star.

As it was a busy school day, you both ended up starting the session very late. The destination of your final tutoring session ended up in Mark’s apartment. You shy away from his roommates, Chenle and Renjun, as they were extremely curious why you guys were hanging out this late in the evening. Mark’s embarrassed deflections did make you giggle a little bit, and it was enough to inspire you to complete the assignment. Mark was in his “chill” clothes, as he likes to call it. He was wearing a blue sweater with a white shirt underneath, paired with a new set of spectacles: clear ones which emphasized his doe-like eyes. As it was the final proof-reading, you gave it your all. Time passed excruciatingly swift, and the silence did not help with your already sleep-deprived state. Mark is quick to notice that your eyelids were slowly fluttering. Smiling to himself, he offers a solution.

“Mind going for a break?” He nudges your hand slightly, sparking fireworks into your brain.

You exasperatedly sighed and leaned your head across the table. “I thought you’d never asked.”

“There’s a convenience store near here and we could head for some sweets.”

“Nothing defeats sugar. Honestly.”

You were unaware of the weather conditions tonight.

The sky’s transparency was as its best. There were no humidity or dust. There are great seeing conditions, and celestial objects appear clearer than ever. The darkly expanse of a night made the stars shine effervescently. This atmosphere made this mundane memory an unforgettable one. Mark was carrying a plastic bag filled with snacks on his left and Melona ice cream bar in his right. He insisted on getting you a hot chocolate instead, because of how cold your hands felt earlier. Honestly, you were more stunned of how he noticed that, but his sweet gesture made your heart grew fonder of him. To be honest, you did not feel like heading back yet. When you passed by a playground, you invited him to the swings to gaze the glowing night even for just a moment. Being the nice guy he is, Mark gladly accepted your offer.

You took a glimpse of the hot drink before taking a slow sip of it, and Mark sat in the swing set beside you. There was tension in the air, and as much as you want to break it, you were afraid of its consequences. Greatly, the fates must have heard you, as Mark boldly knocks down your fears.

“This must be out of topic but…” He takes a pause, aware of its spontaneity.

“Have you ever regretted falling in love with someone?” Mark appears with an expression that you could only describe as filled with solemnity and sentiment. You’ve never seen him like this before, and it caught you more off guard than the question itself.

You gaze at the expanding sky above you, in the hopes it could give you the answer. Regrettably, it faced you like a mirror, and reminded you of all your past relationships you had. Was any of it worth the regret?

“To be completely honest with you Mark, I don’t think I have ever been completely in love to admittedly say I regret them.” You gave him a somber smile. He replies with an expression that mimics your melancholy.

“I know this sounds dark, but more so than regretting the people or the action of falling in love, I regret becoming an unrecognizable person in its process.” You admit with a heavy heart.

“I have always preoccupied myself with people, regardless of whether there is love existent within or not. I hate that I let it go on, give them too many chances, but I don’t regret choosing them.”

Trying not to shy away from his stare, you took a sharp breath before admitting further burden. “I act like their own version of best, into their ideal girlfriend, in the hopes of their approval. So, when everything goes wrong, I don’t regret the people, I hate…”

Myself.

You hate yourself for giving everything, and it still not being enough for people.

Expecting people to love you preciously. Like a jewel, worthy of value.

When deep inside you, there’s a part that says you did not truly love them.

You quickly stop yourself, holding back all the tears, because poor Mark should not be the ultimate receiver of your burdens. You let out a pitiful laugh, trying to light up the gloomy mood.

“That got dark quickly, huh?” You instantly remarked. He reassures you by shaking his head of disapproval. Mark offered you a snack in his bag, as a way of apology, and it made you smile genuinely.

“Thank you sharing that with me. I know, it is hard to be vulnerable.” Mark admits.

“I was just curious. You seem like a person who might know how it feels. Being popular and pretty and all that.” Mark shies away from admitting the latter sentiment, and despite you feeling giddy about his compliment, his expression makes you want to tease him more.

“So, you think I’m like a love expert? Wonderful of you to think that.” You joked around. He hits you in the arm slightly, before taking a bite of his ice cream.

“Well, let me return the question, Mark. Have you every regretted any of yours?”

“And since you opened these whole past loves talk… let me raise you another one. Do you think exes could stay friends?” You asked, giving him a quizzical expression.

Mark chuckles for a bit before giving your question much thought. “I think falling in love is such a strange and indescribable phenomenon. It is one of life’s treasures, as everyone experiences it at least once in their life. Yet, I think the experience is never deserving of blame, if the only reason for contempt is our choice of people to share it with.” You give him an impressed look. He is definitely an English major, alright.

“Similar to you, I also don’t regret any of them. I feel like I choose them for a reason, and I did not feel disingenuous to any of them. So, no. I don’t regret it.” He crosses his arms acting confident with that last sentence. You nod to show your understanding.

“As per the second question, I think it depends. If things ended badly, and there are issues unsettled, then, yeah, that would not end well. Of course, you can never go fully back to being just friends like before, but I think it is possible.” He admits honestly.

“How about you, _____?”

Now this is a treacherous question. You don’t know how aware Mark is of your history, but there is no way you can lie to him. With those eyes, it’s a losing game. So as always, you try to answer genuinely.

“Well… there are definitely exes that I prefer not speaking to ever again.” You chuckle and he joins in with you. “But there is also someone who proved me otherwise.”

Memories of your shared time with Jaehyun flashed across your mind. “He showed me how love is such a multi-faceted emotion, and that it could not only be romantic, but also deeply platonic. We are still friends until this day.”

You can’t help but smile with re-encountering all your shenanigans back then. Things did end between with you too, but it was not for bad reasons. Of course, you are not as close with him as before, but looking back it at now, it was ultimately for the best.

It was at this moment when you first notice how Mark’s expression changes. You were convinced that it was because the nightlights shifted, or the gust of wind passed by more swiftly than usual, but he seemed slightly saddened by your story. He avoids your concerning stare, stands up, and takes a deep breath before exhaling an exaggerated puff of air. It was time to go back home.

“You are really interesting; you know that right?” He jokes. “Nope. Just a bad writer.” You reply, he laughs in agreement. You both picked up your bag of snacks and sweets and preparing to go back to hell.

 Mark knew he had no right to be jealous. You were not his. It was a first; Mark feeling this novel emotion. A stir in his being happened when you spoke of someone else with such glimmer in your eyes. Even more strongly, he wanted to beat those asshole exes of yours who broke your dear heart. This newfound feeling made him want you more. He wondered if you talk about him that way as well. He wondered if you would like him to take revenge. Oh, how Mark wishes he could tell you how you see him. How much you meant to him.

Underneath these stars. How breath-taking you look under the streetlights. With a smile worth countless fateful meeting. Eyes filled with moonlit understanding. He would never exchange this moment for anything.

 When the two of you returned, the atmosphere shifted. It turned into a not-so-silent-anymore working session. Miraculously, after countless breakdowns (which consisted of you banging your head into the table and Mark encouraging you to keep going), binge-eating, and hearing his (harsh) yet critical feedback, your paper was finally done. Yes, its morning already.

“I am ready.” You told Mark as you were preparing to click the submit button in the assignment folder.

“You got this.” He replies, almost instinctively placing his hand on your back for moral support.

You cannot believe this was the final straw, and that after countless nights and sessions, it is over. As the website changes to File Submitted, both you and Mark raised your arms in celebration. Looking back at it now, what seemed to be Mark offering a high five, you mistook for a hug. Poor guy was caught by surprised. It took you a while to realize your action, and this created an awkward release. You bow your slightly, as your face for sure a shade of sherbet red.

“I-- I just want to say thank you. For everything.” You avert your attention to somewhere other than the man in front of you, and he endearingly does the same.

“N-No problem, _____. Happy to help you!” He timidly replies. You can’t help but look at the clock, shocked of how late or I guess early it has been. 7:50 am.

“God, I need to be home soon. Pretty sure my mom is going ballistic.” You scratch your head, imaging your mom scolding you for going over your curfew.

“Do you need a ride? I think I am still awake enough to drive.”

“No, its okay! I texted Renjun and I’ll be joining him take off to work, since it is near my place.”  Mark nods while helping you clean up.

Both of you headed downstairs and just as you expected, you were greeted with sly smiles from Chenle and Renjun. It was too early to hear such uproar for staying the night, but you just ride along with the jokes. Mark offers you breakfast, but you decline knowing you already overstayed your welcome.

“Renjun, drive safely. I know how reckless you are.” Mark mentions as he escorts you to the door.

“Says you, dude. See you guys soon!” Renjun bids and you also wave towards Chenle. You offered Mark the best smiles, but instead he replies with a different expression. Mutually, you felt unaware of how to split ways. Of course, it’s not the end of the world, but it did feel like you were closing a chapter you didn’t want to end yet. You just waved your hand farewell, in the hopes that this was not the last meeting. He reciprocates this action, with a smile. Just as always.

This was your last meeting before the inevitable.

It was not exactly a joyous parting, because both of you know, to heart,

that there are so many things left unsaid.

You did not expect to drink this much when you came to this party. Nerves took a hold of you, and you hoped it made blurring these memories easier as ever before, Maybe you hoped to not remember the day after. Being with Haechan and Chenle did not help, as they continually were encouraging you to take shots whenever they win a game. You could’ve denied this, but seeing the guy beside you is also rejecting any, your competitive instinct chimed in. You were not really a lightweight, but something about being beside Mark lowered your tolerance. As the vivid warm lights shakily reflect upon the dark interiors of the living room, you take a little sip from the half empty cup. It is odd being beside Mark again after what felt like years. It was not like you did not meet at all after the sessions, but it was almost like both your paths were unwilling to intertwine. This night, however, was where ends meet. 

The orbiting was over. You are headed for collision.

Mark breaks the ice, just like he always does.

“So… how did you do on your paper?” He stares at the cup resting in between his legs. You couldn’t help to recall the moments you shared because of that assignment. A smile erupts from your face before admitting gratitude. “Aced it, of course. Thanks to you.” You gesture your cup to offer a toast. He lets out a chuckle before meeting his cup unto yours. The drink tasted better because it was like a price of victory shared by two comrades.

“Glad to hear you’re doing okay, ______. I gotta admit, I do miss our tutoring sessions…” He ponders in thought before sneaking a quick glance to you.

“Now I’m just stuck baby sitting these rowdy seven-year-olds.” He points his cup towards Renjun and Chenle playing loudly at the beer pong table.

“Admit it Mark, you enjoy taking care of them.” You tease him by nudging his right arm.

“Clearly, you haven’t been around them long enough.”

“What you mean? I’m around boys all the time!” You pointed towards Jaehyun encouraging Jungwoo and Haechan taking alternating shots. He feigns acknowledgment.

“We’re built different, I guess?” He tilts his head slightly before leaning his back against the sofa. You mimic this action, taking in the sights of the colorful reflections of the ceiling. Silence sustains before you too, even though the music blasting and crowd roars were contrasting this echoing void.

“Are the drinks hitting you now, Mark?” You turn your head to towards your left, meeting his side profile gazing unto the ceiling. He slowly closes his eyes before smiling.

“A little bit. If I ever do pass out, please remind me that I still have something to ask you.” He slightly turns to face you, with eyes searching for answers. His hand falls on your left thigh, alerting your drunken senses into a slight panic. You feign nervousness and allow the alcohol to do the talking.

“Shoot your shot, Mark Lee.” You softly trace circles on the back of his hand. This happening was absolutely impossible without the alcohol in your body. The world was… ironically, like your nickname, filled with haze. However, Mark was in focus, even in these times. His eyes follow your gentle touch, before returning the irresistible gaze unto you. Filled with curiosity, he faces the ceiling one last time.

“Not here.” His voice comes out like low whisper.

“Then, where?”

He glances at your hand, clearly showing his drunken intentions. You notice how hesitant he was to hold it, so you offered your hand with palms facing upwards. Mark smiles artlessly, before grabbing it and leading you out of the crowd. Of course, Mark holding someone else’s hand and heading upstairs is going to spark some rumors. Most especially, you so-called Haze, glances were lingering longer than usual. Despite all the chaos, you did not mind. You simply averted your attention towards Mark’s warm hands and broad shoulders leading you towards Jungwoo’s guest bedroom.

What an unexpected turn of events.

You and Mark Lee alone together in a room. Heartbeats can be heard even through the bass speaker blasting at the first floor. Nerves were picking up on record speed. No doubt, it was yours.

As you sit in the bed, all you can think about is what you’re wearing. The black dress has entered you in a battle zone. You try to rack your brain on every possible scenario, because for the life of you, don’t know what Mark is going to ask. There are so many things that you intentionally kept from him. Has he heard all the bad things about you, and now breaking off your friendship? Is he just like the assholes that took you for granted? You sincerely hoped its not the latter. Because Mark was different. You believed that to heart.

He seems to notice how quiet and nervous you are, so he admits his truth right away.

“Sorry, I don’t want to make it seem like I am going to take advantage you or anything—” He assures you. You giggle at his honesty.

“I just want to get out of the crowds for a bit. I feel like it makes me even more drunk.” He lays down the bed, and you do the same.

“You don’t really seem like that person, Mark.” You rest your hands on your stomach calming the restless butterflies in it.

“Then, what kind of person am I to you, _____?”

Mark’s low and whisper-like voice reverberate in the room. You can feel his gaze on your side, and this energizes your mind like a hamster on a spinning wheel. Doubts flooded your mind again. You were unwilling to risk the heartbreak again, so you answer with closed thoughts. However, this was an impossible task, as you were tipsy enough that you could pour your heart towards him and have no recollection the next day.

You calmed yourself down and answered honestly. “Mark, you are the kind of person who sees the lighter side of things. Despite my constant anger and blabbering rants, you listen and search for positivity even through it.” You cowardly talked towards the ceiling.

“I admire that about you, not everyone can be like that. You are such a genuine and kind-hearted friend, Mark.” The last words were lathered with your true feelings, and you face his direction this time. You were truly grateful of Mark. So much you want him to be beside you all the time. You were greedy enough to despise the word friend. Because for once, you want to be someone of meaning to his existence.

“Wow, I didn’t think you thought so highly of me. I thought I was just your harsh English tutor.” He jokes.

“Well, of course you were, but I knew I could rely on you, any time of the day. I can recall your words of encouragement when I need them the most and… that’s really special.” You slowly admit your thanks towards the man, but you know it was not all you wanted to say to him. You want to tell him how the starry sky seemed to appear whenever his around. How seismic events sees to happen in your entire being whenever he stands close to you. How you want to dance with him even under a heavy rain, because you know he won’t let you slip. How you want to bend the fates and convince the orbits for your paths to meet in the expanse of the never-ending universe.  You want to be the person he considers most precious. These were all you want. And those thoughts will stay with yourself that way.

Mark looks toward the ceiling. You were unaware of what is going through his head right now. You blame the alcohol for your next actions, but bravery strikes once again.

“What kind of person do you think I am, Mark?”

Various words pass through your mind. Names you were called by.

Whore. Fuckgirl. Unworthy. Fake.

Haze. Blurring and undefined. Something you can’t get rid of.

  “______ is a person who’s unaware.” He stops at this statement. You quickly turn your face towards him.

“Unaware of what?” You curiously ask. He blinks slowly, retaining his gaze unto the ceiling.

“Unaware of how caring of a person you are. Unaware that you impact people more than you know. Unaware that there are people out there who love you dearly.” He mentions these words straightforwardly.

“You have such a beautiful soul, _______. I hope you know that.” He turns to face you once more. You search for lies in his eyes, but it is nowhere to be found. The words you just heard were quite unbelievable.

“I—I don’t feel like that at all. In fact, I feel the exact opposite.” You admit honestly. Mark follows your actions and leans forward to listen.

“I feel like I am burden to other people because of who I am. You are just saying that because you are affected by my haze, Mark. Most people are praying for my downfall.”

“That is not true, _____.”

“I want to believe you, Mark. I really do. But—” Tears were starting to well up in your eyes.

“Anyone who dares to be near me can never have peace. I can never give you that, Mark. I would never be enough—” Mark interrupts your meltdown by placing his hand on your upper back.

“The Haze they are describing to me, is not you at all, _______. I’ve met you, and I did not see a person who is reckless of people’s feelings. You were a delight to my presence, and never did I want our time to stop.” He stoops low on the floor to meet your gaze. You could not face him, knowing he knows what people have said.

“_______, look at me.” Mark tucks your hair behind your ear, and his touch felt like sparks on your cold skin. His expression was filled with concern, almost as if he doesn’t bear the sight of your looking this unhappy.

“I hope you see yourself, like I see you.” He utters while staring at your defeated soul. His hand is now in your cheeks, slowly wiping the tears flowing across them. Your hands are now shaking, but you close your eyes, desperately holding his hand and pressing its warmth unto yours. The closeness was inevitable now. Despite alcohol setting your head on fire, your desires were clear. You want to be close to him. More so than ever before.

“Mark…” His name comes out like a breathy plead. You stare him back reciprocating his eyes craving of touch and yearning. Your eyes fall unto his lips, and that was it, your intentions were loud and clear.

“Will you let me?” His mellow expression expressed his desire. You reply by closing your eyes.

This time, you surrender.

Mark brings you closer to meet his lips, and this is where it all starts.

 Inescapable. You did not try to get out of it.

You burned but electrified. It was clear.

Little do you know that was the start of something far beyond your control. One minute you were talking, the next thing, hands were in places that it shouldn’t be. His soft lips were on yours longing for more. You give in, reciprocating every bit of desire he gives you. He allows you to take a breath, eyes never leaving you for one second, before hastily retuning his stained lips unto yours. Your back was now against the headboard, shoes fully on the bed, and for once, the white sheets felt dirtied by your black satin dress. You reach for his neck, supporting yourself to lay comfortably into the pillows.

Mark kisses you with every cent on intention, as if he want you to feel like the most loved and precious person in the room. His right hand is now in your waist, holding you ever so gently to make sure that he is not pushing you too hard. His left-hand lays rest on the bed for support, as he tilts his head to deepen the kiss. The heat between you two was not dissipating, and it was only growing stronger and stronger, as your heart longs for more of him. He moves on from your lips to your cheek, enveloping your face with loving presses. His resting hand traveled unto the edge of skirt, slightly raising it to softly caress your thigh. He breaks the kiss to removes his jacket and reaches for your hand urging you to touch him even more.  So, you return the favor by putting your hand in his chest and touching his chin bringing him closer once again.

Sights were blurry, but Mark’s touch was defined. It was then when you see Mark’s expression clearly. Dilated pupils, disheveled hair, and lipstick-stained lips that shook your sense. Slowly, you realized this was not what you wanted. This was not how you wanted everything to go. For once in your life, you wanted something to treasure. You wanted to confess, tell him everything honestly under simple circumstances. Naturally grow into loving and trusting each other. Letting him know everyday how much he means to you. Not in this way, again. This just proves that everyone was right. You can’t get any guy you like unless you sleep with them. You attract people close enough to their downfall.

You want him to find solace in you, not be someone who would just satisfy his drunken desire. You remember the Mark, you wanted to treasure.

You can’t do this to him. He is going to end up broken like you.

This was a mistake.

It was when he started kissing your ears and neck, when you realized that the line you desperately wanted to uphold has now been crossed. As you lean your forehead over his shoulder, tears started falling out of your eyes. Mark immediately stops his actions.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Mark holds you by the shoulder, your shivering hands still in his chest.

“I—I can’t do this, Mark.” You say in choked sobs.

“Why? Did I do something--” You avoid his gaze, as you know that the moment you face him back you can’t resist yourself. Because he has always been your weakness. Before you even hear his answer, you remove yourself from the situation. You get out of the room, hearing Mark’s calls out to you on the way downstairs.

With tears in your eyes, the scenery was even more obscure. Lights were colliding into one. Faces were unrecognizable. You try to find Ryujin amongst the people, but by quickly checking your phone you realize that she texted you that she had to leave early. You curse to yourself, but out of desperation you asked the only person who can take you home tonight. You reach Jaehyun, who was the designated driver of the night, who upon seeing you can’t help how lost you are.

“C--can you take me home?” You reach the fabric of his shirt just in time for your mind to think straight. Clear enough you were losing your balance. He notices your teary state right away.

“You, okay?” Jaehyun checks up on you, clearly in a mess.

“Please, Jae. I don’t want to be here right now.”

He looks behind you and notices a rumpled and worried Mark clearly looking for you. You hear Mark calling your name, so you tried to hide and avoid Mark from seeing you. Jaehyun immediately holds your arm almost in defense when Mark spots you.

“Hey buddy, I don’t know what happened, but _____ clearly isn’t in a clear state of mind. Don’t worry, I’ll take her home.” His tone seemed genuinely worried, and it broke your heart even more.

Mark sighs out of regretful surrender. “Just be safe, okay?”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” Jaehyun chuckles tapping Mark’s shoulder. All throughout the drive, Jaehyun was quiet. Almost as if he was waiting for you to tell him anything. You were already in a spiral deep regret and tears, so you just tried to count the passing lights hoping that the shame will melt away soon. Before you left, he gave you reassuring words partnered with his dimpled smile. You never forgot to thank him for tolerating your drunken state. You fell straight into the bed, desperately trying to forget the sins that happened hours ago.

 Life wakes you with the light of your bedroom window, accompanied with a hangover typical of your night extravaganza. Sadly, moments of last night were not erased. You still remember how it felt kissing him. His touches of reassurance. His face when you left the room. How disheartened he was. You were to blame as always. You were not in shape to go to classes anyways, so you spend the rest of your day distracting yourself and running away from your mistakes.

What seemed to be merely hours, now lead into days. Your phone has been buzzing for quite some time now, but you were not in any way capable of answering questions. You just stuck towards your same routine hoping that it will make you feel better, but deep inside you knew that it was just escaping the truth. After settling your thoughts, and a very convincing argument made by Ryujin, you managed to get up from the bed and actually go to school after a while.

Classes go on as usual and your friends were aware vaguely of what happened, but they respected your space. However, they always stuck by you and helped you in avoiding any kind of confrontation with Mark. You see him in the hallways and the cafeteria tables, even from afar you recognize his usual worried expression. You avoid from staring too long and try to go on by your day to day.

During your spare time, you notice a text from an unusual contact of yours. Yuta Nakamoto. Your ex-boyfriend. The bastard who cheated on you.

He asks to meet you at the tables near the football field after class. It was weird that he called you out of the blue, as you both did not talk at all after the breakup. Well, after you learned that he talked to his teammates about how you were an easy girl who would do anything he wants. To add insult to injury, he also cheated on you. So yeah, he is not someone who you probably should talk to. Still, something in your gut wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, so you met him at the said area.

“What is it you want, Yuta?” You angrily said towards the young man wearing his usual red flannel and khaki pants.

“Damn, no sweet greetings at all? We haven’t seen each other in a while.” Yuta kids around like the olden days. You were not having any of it, so you just rolled your eyes.

“God, feisty as always.  I just want to catch up with you, you know. How you’re doing?” He reaches for you hand placed upon the table. You quickly avoid any advances, as he was not worth entertaining at all.

“We’re not friends, Yuta. I could give less care about your life, as you should.” You stare him down. The man looks dejected ruining his chances.

“If that’s all, I’m leaving.” You add, quickly standing from your seat and walking away.

“Wait, _____!” Yuta’s voice echoes in even in the open field. He grabs hold of your arm which cause you to stop on your tracks and face him.

“I want you back, ______.” Yuta confesses. This shakes your core. “These past few months have been hell, and I realized how shitty I treated you and I—” The man takes a deep breath.

“I am a lost cause without you, ______.” Yuta admits while pressing your hand unto his. You search for sincerity or any truth behind in his eyes, but you can’t find it. He was not a changed man. He was still the same person who treated you like you were an accessory.

“How dare you act like you’ve been through hell, Yuta? When throughout our time together you treated me like shit? Oh, let me remind you again. I’m ______, the easy girl to mess around with! Yes, the one who caught you cheating!” You raise your voice, not withholding any anger pouring from all the mistreatments.

“That was a mistake, I promise to be better this time.” He pleads while holding unto your wrist tighter this time, and despite how much you want to let go he was too strong.

“Let me go, Yuta! I said I don’t want to be with you.” You desperately try remove yourself from the situation. Yuta was about to hug you when a person interfered your conversation.

“Hey man, she said let go.” The voice recalled by your heart said. It was none other than Mark.

Mark held your left arm before stopping Yuta from his grasp on you. Yuta scoffs at Mark’s actions. He combs his hair out of frustration, rolling his eyes out of anger.

“So, is this the new boyfriend I heard about, _____?” He glares at you. Mark guards you on his side out of instinct.

“Your new plaything, huh? Good for you, sweetie.” Yuta mockingly says.

“Why do you even care?” You reply. He laughs in disbelief before turning his gaze over Mark.

“Buddy, piece of advice...” Yuta places his right hand over on Mark’s shoulder.

“Run while you still can. This bitch is just playing with you.”

“She’s Haze. She’s going to blind and confuse you for as long as she wants, and then, dumps you for inconvenience. That’s just who she is.” His gaze was filled with revulsion. Despite hearing these words repeatedly, shame still tightens your being.

You felt Mark’s grip on your arm tighten, looking up and it was the first time you’ve seen Mark in such an angered state. He swats Yuta’s arm before uttering his reply.

“You don’t know her at all, nor did you take the time to really do. So, fuck off, will you?” Mark fake smiles at the end of his statement. Yuta holds his arm in surrender.

“Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.” He mentions nonchalantly while walking away.

 You let out a deep sigh before placing your hand on your forehead out of frustration. Mark’s hands still grip on yours; he faces you filled with concern.

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” He checks up on you searching for any injuries.

“I’m fine, Mark.” You lie, immediately detaching yourself from his touch.

“You are clearly not.” Mark declares. You know he was right, so frustration seeps out of your shameful state.

“That’s none of your business anymore. Now, I must go.” To avoid any more confrontation, you walked away once more.  

“_______, you can’t run away from me anymore. We need to talk about what happened.” He said in a troubled tone. This made you stop in your tracks.

“We have something, right? Please tell me, I’m not the only one feeling this.” His voice now arriving closer. The wind was blowing stronger than usual, and the air was dry as it can be. Thunderous rain will happen, but you know it is the atmosphere’s signal… turn your back. You took a deep breath before facing him once again. His face paints a painful expression. Just like a mirror, you felt his pain even across physical entities.

 “Mark, you don’t know how much… I want to keep you.” You choke up the tears that want to come out.

“Just when I found you and I soon realize that you were the person I could ever hoped and dreamed of, and just like always… I ruined it.” You touch your nape out of frustration.

Mark stills his gaze, as you continue pouring your heart out. “I wanted to treasure you for as long as I could, to let you see who I truly am. That I am not the person they say who I am. Desperately begging for the stars that you’d love me beyond the mistakes I’ve made in the past. But that night, I broke my own promise. I went back to the past, hoping that you could prove my worth. I gave in to my selfish desires, because I am broken, Mark.” You point towards your heart hoping that Mark would understand painful state it was in. All that did was ignite the tears in your eyes. Mark holds your hand ever so closely.

“Please don’t ever say it was a mistake. I can bear all the pain, ______ but you deserve so much more than what the world is treating you.” He hugs you tightly, despite shivering.

“I just don’t want to see you breaking.” The words reverberate into the air in a desperate whisper. He hopes for the opposite, but it broke your heart even more.

“Please don’t say it’s over.” His warmth felt cold against your already lost state. He is not your savior, nor can he fix you.

“Mark, I can’t let you bear my weight. You need to let me go.” You gaze at his teary eyes.

“Will you let me go to piece myself back together?” You held his face under your cold hands, tears streaming down your faces. He closes his eyes, an angel’s tear falling on his cheek. His expression showed how hurt he was from your question. He did not want to lose you. Now, more than ever before. But he also knew, this was not your time of meeting. All he could do was nod, unable to form any words. You mouthed the words of thank you, before turning your back to him one last time. At that moment, both of you met, but not really fated.

 The night of the Perseids.

A year has passed since you and Mark fought and reached an ultimatum. It was clear you needed some time to heal and reassess your priorities. Rome was not built overnight. After therapy, family hangouts and focusing on hobbies that truly sparked your joy, you can say for in fact, that you are getting better.

Just in time for one of the most prominent meteor showers, and this was your reward.

Did you miss Mark when you were gone? Absolutely.

Did it kill you not to jump at his arms every time you saw him? Yes.

Were you worried of losing him completely? In every waking moment.

 You did not ask him to wait for you. Nor was there any binding contract stating that he is not allowed to date at all. You seem him around girls who may or may not have been hitting with him, but despite that you remained strong. Not because you trust him to come running back to you, but more so, as crazy as it sounds, left it up to the heavens. If the time comes that you were comfortable enough with yourself, he will be there. Throughout your countless meetings with Mark in the past, the sky is always respondent. If that is not more of fate’s reassurance, then you don’t know what.

You set up your equipment in one of the only known places where you can perfectly see the night showers. It is a secluded watchtower, located at the outskirt of the city. Not many people know about this place, but it was here where you often come to see the stars ever since you were young. You place the sherpa blankets on the wooden floor and position the telescope, despite having little snacks and an obvious lack of company for enjoyment. Everyone seemed busy with a bunch of stuff, so no one was able to get your invite. You were already understanding for not many people shared your interests in the celestials.

As you were about to check your phone for any updates, you immediately sensed of movement at the ground. Scared for your life was your initial emotion, as you were in such a secretive and vulnerable state at a height like this. It was when you glanced at the ground, you recognize the black denim sherpa jacket, ochre khaki pants, and white sneakers you always loved. Only one person can pull this off.

Mark Lee.

 “Mind if I join you?” He yells intended for you to hear up top. “I brought some snacks and music!” Mark raised your favorite crisps and sweets, as well as his acoustic guitar. Classic Mark Lee move, you thought.

“Sure, come on up!” You replied, immediately cleaning up and composing yourself as this was your first time meeting each other in a while.

When he reaches your stargazing set up, you welcomed him to sit beside you and take a rest.

“Woah, is that a real telescope? It’s huge!” He exclaimed with child-like amusement walking towards the gadget.

“Uh yeah! It was gifted by my father, who also was fascinated with the stars.” You follow his actions. Taking the time to teach him how it functions and by his excited tone, he truly was enthralled. These little things made you fall for him the first time. You were reminded of that just now.

You walked back to your seat and took a quick look at the time. There were still a couple minutes before the showers start, so you chug your hot chocolate to warm yourself up. Mark seats besides you one last time, clearly, wanting to say something. You beat to him this time.

“So how have you been, Mark?” You took a sip after the inquiry.

“I—I have been fine. Winter semester ended roughly, but honestly, I’m glad it’s over.”

You nod in agreement. “How about you?” His words hang on the air a bit longer than you’ve hoped. Still, you answer, with an open heart.

“I’ve never been better. I feel it genuinely this time. Therapy and Journaling helps, I kid you not.” You mention while glancing at his serious face. He smiles after hearing your answer.

“That’s good then. I’m happy for you, ______. I really am.” He reassures with his eyes never unyielding.

The air still denser as ever, as you both look at the stars hoping it will answer for you. And it did.

“I—” “Do—” You both spoke simultaneously. Almost as if you were in the same wavelengths right at this moment. Smiles erupted instinctively.

“I feel like I always talk, so you can go first, Mark.” You jokingly said. He chuckles with you, sarcastically agreeing with the sentiment. He takes a sharp inhale before recollecting his memories.

“Do you remember when we first met?” Mark asks. You nod as a reply, letting him continue.

“You see, _______. I did not know anything about you when we met that night. All I really thought was that you looked really cool in that biker jacket and that you are so kind to listen to a stranger’s messy guitar performance. I really just came there because Haechan told me to, but having to meet you and have a beautiful student to tutor English? I scored a goal.” He honestly states. His tone made you laugh.

“After getting to know you, I realized how kindness and charm just naturally radiates from you. You weren’t afraid to be candid, vulnerable, and were always willing to go all out to care for their friend. Your studying face was also quite adorable, let me tell you that.” You smile while lowering your head out of shyness from his compliments. He stops for a second to form his next few sentences.

“I did not really care for about people’s rumors about you, or how many you dated, because I knew that the person, I saw during our sessions was the real ______. I believed that someone with a heart like yours was never able to do that.” His gaze was on the sky, before laying his hand at the back to lean.

“To be honest, I was scared too. I knew that you were a person who know what she wants. A go getter. What can an average looking English major dude, still figuring out his life, compete with his handsome more achieving exes? Not even close. I thought.” You quickly shake your head in disagreement and him kindly smiles at your response.

“However, each second of our time together, I still hoped that one day you would look my way and notice that I was not just a friend. I hoped to be someone more. That was what I hoped that night at Jungwoo’s. I was desperate to make you feel loved, make you feel how much I adore you, but instead I just hurt you. I am truly sorry.” He suddenly looks dejected. You held his right hand softly caressing it before uttering your first reply.

“That kiss I could never forget. Even after a lifetime.”

“Am I that good? You’re making me blush, ______. I am not even finished.” He shyly says, covering his face with his left hand. You tap him in the shoulder encourage him to continue.

“But even after all we’ve been through, my heart still is sure. What we have is something worth pursuing. Day and night, I thought of being together with you. Wishing everything went smoothly. Wishing I was more courageous.”

“The ceaseless yearning; the ones I begged for the stars ever night, made me fall even harder for you. Hard enough that I am willing to wait. No matter what. Because I know that’s what you need.” He mentions. You recall that he was the man worth waiting for. You can’t believe you were worth waiting for too. Tears start to fall to your lap, for despite countless o times you feel like you felt unworthy of love, there is still someone who is willing to love you. He intertwines his hand into yours, gently kissing it to reassure your tears. He patiently waits for your answer, so you wipe your tears and rephrase your countless thoughts to pour your heart unto the man who just poured his. “Let me remind you, I am a good listener and keeper of secrets.” He recalls your first conversation. You laugh at his offer. He was right though. You filled your lungs with the cold-stricken air surround you.

 “I was scared, Mark…” You finally admit.

“Most of my life, I just picked, choose, and hoped they would return the love I gave them. I selflessly gave them whatever I have until I can’t anymore. I ran out of it--- love.” You gesture at your cold chest.

“I am not claiming to be a victim, because I knew deep inside, that I was desperate of wanting to be loved that I also lack in more ways than one. But —” You try to compose yourself from crying once again.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’m here to listen. No judgement.” He is now facing you, reaching for your shaking right hand to steady it, and you held it tightly.

“Maybe you could say I atoned for my sins, that I wanted to redo all the mess that I’ve made. But believe me when I say that it was not until I met you, I recognize that I was deserving of more.”

“I kept searching for it and now that I am close to you, I am afraid that you’ll turn your back to me just like everyone who saw my past and left. I already made the mistake by hopelessly roaming around, but you, Mark… you are not my mistake.” You stared at his glowing orbs before admitting the remains inside your heart.

“This time you were the only thing that’s right.”

You gave a comforting smile, with a tear flowing in your eyes. Mark notices this and gently wipes it across your eyes.

“Thank you for telling me. ______, you are still one of the bravest… and talkative souls I know.” He jokes around and this turns your tears into happy ones. You look at him straight on this time, never running away from the presence of the man who loves your unconditionally. Marks looks at you like you are the only thing that matters against this vast expanse of a universe.

“This time around, ______—” He touches your cheek ever so warmly.

“Will you let me love you… just how you eternally deserve it?”

 His eyes were unwavering of truth. These eyes were never going to let you go. These eyes are the one you trust.

“Yes.” And this time you mean it. Each of your forehead’s are touching, transferring heat upon contact.

“Will you let me kiss you this time?” You joke, recalling your first encounter. Mark chuckles at your frank comment.

“Will never say no to that.” He replies. And slowly you kiss him, unlike you ever kissed before. Ever so softly, ever so loving. Like you waited for a lifetime to do so. Both your lips found each others rhythm, and in perfect unison. Intertwining with no faults. It was more than just perfect. The alarm then rings, and almost instinctively you both look at the sky.

“Oh my god, I see them! Right there!” You see the first few shooting stars crossing the horizons. Mark jumps excitedly and moves in closer to the telescope.

“They are more beautiful than I expected.” He mentions while wrapping his arms at the curve of your back. You lean in his chest admiring at the star filled sky.

“Wait a second, how did you know I was here?” You suddenly interjected.

“Um… some bird might have told me.” He’s looking side to side, looking guilty as charged.

“I gotta thank Jaehyun, then.”

“How did you know it was him?” Mark surprisingly looks at you.

“Well, he is in support of us since day one. That man has good instincts.”

“Your special ex is?” He exclaims.

“What?! Now where did you get that information?” You release from his hug, mirroring his shocked reaction.

“I have my sources. You are clearly biased, not even telling your future man your location.” He crosses his arms. You scoff.

“Can’t believe we’re having our first fight not even minutes of being together.” You place your fingers towards your forehead in distress.

“Your boyfriend is petty, you got to deal with that.” Mark jokingly mentions.

“Okay Mr. Lee, I did not even say you were my boyfriend.” You tease.

He leans down closely towards you daringly. “So, what does a kiss of a lifetime mean then?”

“God, I knew you were gonna tease me about that.” You hit him in the shoulder, and this made both of you chuckle. For one last time, he holds you close never letting go of each other’s warmth. Unbeknownst to each other, you both thank the heavens for blessing your journey towards one another. It was not an easy path, but it was meant to happen the way that it did. Through seismic events and atmospheric conditions, Mark remains to love you, ceaselessly.

[strongestshinigami]

Directions

I would label this as a headcanon, but it is actually canonical:

Kenpachi is not bad with directions.

That’s right. The fact that most RP’ers, fic writers, and even the filler arc writers have gotten wrong: Kenpachi is canonically fine with directions. At no point does he get ‘lost’ and not know where he is in canon.

So where did this come from?

In the invasion arc, Kenpachi is running around with Yachiru on his shoulders, who is shouting directions to him. But that’s odd, why would he do that if he knows where he is? 

Because he’s not trying to find a location, he’s trying to find Ichigo. Kenpachi cannot, at this point, detect spiritual pressure. So he relies on Yachiru, who swears she can sense Ichigo, to lead him to the kid. And of course, she can’t, because she’s just as bad at it as Kenpachi is, though that does not stop her from getting possessive and jealous when Orihime tries to do the same thing later on.

Okay, so he’s looking for Ichigo. That doesn’t mean he isn’t also lost, he ran into dead ends! 

Okay, yes, because again, she is telling him directions. He expected to see Ichigo around that corner, not an empty dead-end. But okay, let’s look at what happens when he gets some more information. Ikkaku tells Kenpachi more about Ichigo, his strength, and where he’s heading. That last one is the important part, because after learning this, Kenpachi cuts Ichigo off. Before this, he had no idea where Ichigo was going (to be fair, Ichigo was pretty lost himself) and was trying to find a constantly moving target with no GPS. But once he got confirmation of Ichigo’s destination, he was able to go straight there and wait where he knew Ichigo would pass by. This means that not only is he aware of the directions around his own district, but he’s aware of at least the notable routes to neighboring districts enough to predict and move fast enough to cut the kid off.

Well then why in the final chapter did he get lost on his way to the captain’s meeting, talking about no longer getting lost because Yachiru was no longer leading him wrong?

Kubo’s shitty writing.

Okay, okay, fine. First, he doesn’t get lost. In his own words, he ‘took the scenic route’. But really the reason is that Kubo at this point was actively sabotaging his characters, and writing them the opposite of what he always had. It’s why Uryuu became a doctor like his father, which he never wanted to do. Why Chad is a professional boxer despite swearing never to use his fists for self-gain. Why Aizen is waxing poetic on the topic of hope from his prison. Why Ichigo, despite learning of all the ways the Central 46 kept Soul Society dystopic and was actively damaging, chooses to leave the status quo and settle down with a family, with all the bad systems still in place. And why Kenpachi, in the single time he or anyone else references Yachiru after his bankai is realized, only says “She’s not around to lead me wrong anymore!” with a smile. The one person who was actually close to him, and all he gives is a flippant response about how it’s somehow better.

Fuck you, Kubo.

[witchy-jadda]

rott spoilers ahead

so i’ve given myself some time to think about everything and try to process it all and here are some of my thoughts on trollhunters: rise of the titans...

- straight off the bat, i loved the intro. opening with blinky telling the story of what happened up until this point was incredible. i would have loved if they had circled back to this though (i saw someone else say it should have been him telling the story to jim and claire’s kids and i loved that idea!)

- i also liked that they didn’t waste time at the start, instead they just jumped right into the action which was fun.

- honestly, i thought jim’s plotline throughout the movie where he basically thought he was useless without the amulet was just really not fun to watch. i understand why it was there and it played into the climax but i really did not find it one bit necessary seeing as i felt that we have grown beyond that. i felt it was overused. we’ve been there before and jim is aware that he’s the trollhunter, amulet or not.

- douxie being so soft with nari was genuinely one of the most heartwarming parts of the movie. i feel that we were really robbed of so much potential with douxie in this movie though. we didn’t see nearly enough of him. it seemed that the writers were picking and choosing when to remember how powerful he is. switching with nari and connecting to her are two examples of when they actually used his power, but aside from that they just disregarded it a lot.

- and speaking of forgetting how powerful people are... i’m genuinely so hurt and let down over what they did to claire. do they not realise how powerful she is? did they just forget about her character arc? it sure felt like it. she got to use her powers a few times (connecting to nari, portalling the titan, etc) but mostly it felt like she was saying she was spent and therefore unable to do anything. she is so strong and so powerful, and that’s just so empowering - especially for young girls. and then it kinda felt to me that rott was reducing her to basically nothing more than jim’s love interest.

- okay another quick note, it kinda felt to me that krel’s potential was also pretty wasted? he barely did anything and i just think he deserved more too.

- ew okay i don’t even want to think about it but i know i can’t discuss rott without talking about the mpreg thing. seriously, what the fuck was that? at first, i thought it was going to be a joke. i thought aja and krel were gonna wind steve up and see how far they could go with making him think he was pregnant just for a little bit of comic relief. but then he was actually pregnant. and so i laughed, because even though it was dumb it was kind of funny. weird and unexpected, but kind of funny. but by the time the movie was over it just didn’t sit right with me. looking past the fact that it was just more of them making steve’s character into a joke, i couldn’t see the logic in giving so much time to that subplot when other characters (claire, douxie) and other relationships (claire and douxie’s friendship) were sidelined. maybe if he had gotten a whole season the mpreg thing could have been included as comic relief or whatever, but with such limited time i really don’t see the point of wasting so much time on something so pointless. 

- speaking of steve, i need to talk about creepslayerz... they really deserved more :( like i get that eli literally helped steve through child birth and then named one after him which was lowkey adorable but i loved their friendship so much and i was really hoping to see more of them. i was kind of hoping they’d get to do more as well. look i gave up on hopes of a romance long ago (even though i still really wished it would happen) but i hoped that at least we’d see some more of their friendship.

* by this point my brain has decided to forget absolutely every point i wanted to make... cue the brain fog (we don’t like her) and allow me to take a moment to read back and try to find my point again *

- i don’t think i can stress enough how much i loved the visuals in this movie. holy fucking shit it was just phenomenal. like wow. the art was absolutely fantastic and i’m really hoping for another the art of... book because i love the art of trollhunters and i feel that they could do with updating it to include the newer stuff. but yep, the animation quality was incredible and i don’t have a bad thing to say about it because just wow.

- speaking of art... a moment of appreciation for character designs. just wow wow wow. we love to see such intricately designed villains. we love to see growth in our other much loved characters. and the locations too? fantastic. beautiful. amazing. loved it.

- another moment of appreciation for jim. the hair. the scars. the injuries. the winter jacket. the fact that he looked a little older.... loved it. loved it, loved it, loved it. i cannot wait to spend hours pouring over reference pictures to draw them all.

- and claire... her armor being weathered and worn. her eyes!! her hair looked great as always. i just love her...

- nari nari nari... my goodness, her magic is so beautiful. i wish we got to see more.

- also, the jlaire moments were very cute. their kisses? so soft. they literally love each other so much. i adore them.

- what happened to the babies from the darklands btw? is not enrique just chilling in the lake’s house with a ton of babies? 

- barbara deserved better. i would have liked to see her and strickler happy.

- on that note, why the actual fuck did they think a few explosives would win against magic?? literal ancient magic and these dumbasses were like huh i guess we should blow it up. i’m sorry, what?? y’all are stupid.

* currently trying to think of every possible point that isn’t to do with the ending because i really don’t want to think about that yet *

- the whole thing with archie and charlemagne felt super unnecessary. like usually characters sacrifice themselves and it’s like sad and you can see the reasoning and stuff. but they literally could have gotten out. i really did not vibe with that. it felt like they just did that to leave douxie with no one.

- that trollmarket was beautiful though.

- speaking of trollmarket... they really restored the heartstone just like that? are you joking? i was not impressed at all. the heartstone was dead and gone, could not be destroyed. did they just forget that? half the shit in wizards wouldn’t have happened if the heartstone could have been restored. very pissed off by that. it was dead, that was it.

- okay back to jim... love that he pulled the sword from the stone. it was cute that it was a group effort, kinda would have preferred if it was just him but that’s just a me thing. and maybe me and my daylight tattoo are biased here, but excalibur is not half as pretty as daylight.

- not gonna lie, jim yelling come on trollhunters! kinda got me. i was very emotional watching this.

- i think the most in character jim moment of the whole movie was when he dropped excalibur, he didn’t have his armor, he was all alone and he decided to make a fist and fight the wizard/god with literally no weapon or means of defence. i don’t think y’all understand how much i love this dumb self sacrificing selfless boy. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, he is literally one of my most favourite characters of all time. i love him with all my heart.

- the armor!! wow wow wow. that was a fucking cool scene. beautiful.

- jim getting stabbed or whatever with that fucking spear thing nearly killed me.

- okay here goes... toby. my sweet toby. jim and toby’s friendship is one of my absolute favourites ever. my goodness. and toby getting in the van and going to save jim was incredible and such a toby thing to do. of course he would think of doing that.

- but like seriously... claire and douxie are so fucking powerful and they were both just like lol i guess we can’t do anything to help jim? i’m sorry what?? don’t tell me that claire wouldn’t go full on black and purple eyes and get herself up their to him. i just... i’m so bothered by the fact that they were sidelined y’all :|

- also, do not seriously try to tell me that aaarrrgghh!!! would let toby go on his own. he would have went with him. he would have followed him.

- literally as jim was falling the first thing that went through my mind was oh aaarrrgghh!!! is gonna run up and catch him.

- and while we’re on the topic of aaarrrgghh!!! why tf did they have such a build up that something was going to happen to either him or blinky for literally no reason? wtf

- aaarrrgghh!!! would not have let toby go alone!!! if he had been there, he would have protected toby, he would have saved him and none of that mess of an ending would have happened.

* ugh here’s the bit i was dreading... the ending *

- first off, i am choosing to ignore it.

- time stone? really? we’re... we’re gonna do this? literally one of the most original things i have ever watched is now - at the literal last possible minute - rip off another movie?? really?? whyyyy???

- i literally cannot express how much i hated it. it was so fucking unnecessary.

- he didn’t need to go back that far!!!

- i’m actually trying to block this out but i suppose i have to at least touch on it. jim would never ever put that burden on to toby. he just wouldn’t. before even looking at all of the other issues with toby getting the amulet, i need to say that. it just wouldn’t happen. he struggled so much with being the trollhunter, he wouldn’t put that on toby. 

- also toby literally never wanted to be the trollhunter?? he never wanted the amulet? he wanted to be a duke and have his war hammer and go on adventures with his best friend and his wingman and eat mexican food.

- okay so um i guess they all just forgot about unbecoming? cool cool cool.

- seriously though, was it not established many times that jim literally had to be trollhunter? and if he wasn’t it would be draal and everything would go to shit? did they just forget about that??

- having jim just decide to give toby the amulet literally takes away from the entire meaning behind jim getting the amulet and becoming the trollhunter. the amulet chose jim. merlin chose him. out of all of the creatures in the world, it had to be jim. he can’t just give that to toby!!

- and as much as i love toby, he would not last a day as trollhunter.

- and that’s not even beginning to mention all that jim erased by not becoming trollhunter. no father son relationship between him and blinky. they didn’t stop steve from picking on eli so no steve redemption and no creepslayerz. is he just going to allow enrique to be taken? toby will not have the same incentive to go into the darklands to save him if that’s the case. strickler will not show any sort of sentiment towards toby either. and then the big one...

- IS THAT FUCKER REALLY GOING TO ALLOW CLAIRE TO NOT GET HER POWERS??? WHAT???

- if jim isn’t trollhunter and the whole thing with enrique doesn’t happen then claire will never get her shadowstaff. let’s be real, strickler probably wouldn’t even need angor rot with toby as trollhunter. somehow i can’t see him making it that far...

- if claire doesn’t have her shadow staff then the whole thing with morgana won’t happen. she won’t destroy the shadow staff and then she will never develop her powers. would jim really rob her of that?

- okay i can’t do anymore, it’s too much for me now...

- i touched on this already in a separate post but i gotta say it again... i did not enjoy the destiny is a gift bit at the end. first of all, jim having toby find the amulet literally takes the meaning of that speech and his destiny away instanty. and second, i just could not stand hearing emile hirsch say the words that belonged to anton yelchin. it was just uncomfortable.

aaand i think i’m done. maybe i’ll have more later but i have a headache now from all of this.

[hannie-dul-set]

DON’T THINK, JUST DO — na jaemin.

SUMMARY. an overthinker, a piece of advice, a sudden confession, and a subtle meltdown.

PAIRING. na jaemin x g.n. reader GENRE. high school! au, f2l, fluff, humor WARNINGS. swearing WORD COUNT. 1.6k TAGLIST. @danishmiilk​ @wownajaemin​ @leejunini​ @astroboy-lele​ @unknown5tar​ @yunoyeol​ @w0nni3wrld​ @charm-art​ @bat-shark-repellant​ @nct-writers​ @czennienet​ @neowritingsnet​ @kpopscape​

NOTE. surprise LMAO take this quick fic that i wrote in a couple of hours after a bathroom apology for being mia this past week, for not keeping my promises, and for my further disappearance within the next few days/weeks because i am, quite frankly, about to mcfreaking die <3 enjoy.

Self study period. Eight in the morning. Everything was normal— seemingly normal— save for the empty spot beside you where your deskmate should be occupying, perhaps pestering you yet again about the importance of eating breakfast if he were here, but he wasn’t. It was odd.

He’s never been late before.

Saying that makes it sound like you were closely knitted with Na Jaemin, the present absentee and your deskmate for about three years, but you couldn’t admit that you were. You couldn’t admit that you weren’t, either. Still, even if you weren’t as bro with him like his members in the school’s dance team, or as involved in his personal troubles as his childhood best friend, but at least you’ve seen the kind of lunch he brings to school every single day for three straight years. That was probably enough to form some sort of bond— though trivial, maybe even feeble, but it was enough.

That was also enough for you to develop an unsurprising crush on him. Your self-awareness was annoying enough to throw away any ounce of denial.

Which was also why you were worrying over your head when he missed the first period, even more so when he arrived like a disheveled zombie midway through the second.

“Na Jaemin,” you greeted his tardy arrival with your eyebrows creasing in worry. He greeted you with a usual good morning and his usual smile— or so he attempted to. But that smile lasted for approximately 0.813 seconds before he fell onto his seat with a contorted groan. “What’s wrong? Are you sick? Did you practice too hard yesterday? Gosh, you should know better than to overdo it.”

Jaemin only whined when you reached out to pitifully caress his hair, his gaunt face and evident dark circles down buried in his arms. “I’m so tired.”

Dear lord, what happened to the model student that seemed to shine day in, day out despite his overly packed and strenuous schedule? You frowned, telling him that he should just sleep through the rest of the morning and you’d cover for him, but he rose from his slumped over position and waved you off. 

“I can manage,” he gave you a tired smile. “I already missed a lot by being late.”

“You idiot, are you trying to die?” you huffed, snapping your attention off of him in annoyance. “Wait a minute, why does he look fine? Tsk. Lee Donghyuck were you slacking off while your team members were dancing to death?”

The man in question flinched, dropping his phone with a painful noise onto the table when you turned around and smacked a notebook onto his desk.

“Oi, what the fuck? What would you know when you weren’t even there?”

“Then why do you still look fresh while poor, tired Jaemin over here is—”

“It’s not that.”

You turned back around to the worn out voice beside you.

“I just didn’t get any sleep last night.”

To your surprise, Jaemin was the one who came to Donghyuck’s aid.

Donghyuck’s glare was enough to drill two gaping holes into your skill, and you simply bowed and gave him a sheepish grin in apology before switching your attention lanes back to Jaemin. Not the most embarrassing thing you’d ever done, but shameful all the same. “Then why didn’t you say so— anyway, that’s not the point. Did you stay up playing games again? Gosh, did Lee Jeno force you to rank with him? I swear, you guys should—”

“It’s kinda nice to see you worrying about me,” he chuckled, falling back down into his desk with his arms crossed and looking up at you with an invisible, fond grin. “But it’s not that either.”

Damn your stomach for suddenly deciding to stumble over at that insignificant gesture of his. He wasn’t even doing anything, but look at you. All of a sudden, guilt decided to gnaw at your conscience because while Na Jaemin was barely holding onto his consciousness, you were busy fawning over his charms despite the fatigue. You didn’t deserve to sit next to him.

“I was thinking.”

Your thoughts froze.

“About?”

“Things.”

“Like…?”

“Whether I should do this or not, whether I should just give up or not, whether I’m actually stupid or not...” Jaemin sighed, eyes closed in contemplation, or perhaps finally in drowsiness. You hoped that he’d just give in and sleep. “...those things.”

What could he have possibly been thinking about that the poor boy couldn’t even sleep? Whatever it was— cure that entirely. This was a crime. Maybe you shouldn’t confiscate his thermos of coffee later.

“Aish,” you raked your fingers through your hair, expelling an exasperated sigh. “Na Jaemin, as a professional overthinker, let me give you some professional advice—”

He perked up, eye now a little wider and looking at you in a swirl of interest and attentiveness.

“—don’t.”

And now confusion was thrown into the mix.

“You see, it’s an endless, torturous cycle with the only endgame being regret. You believe that you’re only gonna mull it over for a mere moment, weigh your pros and cons, and come up with a decision after a few minutes of thinking—” you breathed it sharply, shaking your head in faux dismay. “—but the ‘what if’s’ come around and before you know it, it’s already five in the fucking morning and you have to go to school in a few hours looking like a contaminated corpse.”

Jaemin blinked his sunken eyes at you. He wasn’t sure what to say, but somehow your speech full of vigor, confidence, and a ridiculous form of charisma drew out all the exhaustion from his veins. He buried his face back into his arms to avoid looking at you.

“Right?”

He pressed his lips together to prevent a smile from forming too wide, but you wouldn’t be able to see, anyway. “Right, you’re right,” but maybe you could hear it in the tone of his muffled voice.

You grinned, proudly nodding to yourself at his affirmation. “Which is why, before you end up following me into this hidden circle of hell— you should just stop. Don’t think. Fuck impulse control. There’s no time to regret when you’ve already done it. It’s not easy. Absolutely not. But it’s better to just get it over with and deal with the consequences after rather than living in an endless loop. So repeat after me— don’t think.”

Slowly, Jaemin peeked out from his huddled position, sitting up straight and looking right at you.

“Don’t think.”

“Just do.”

“Just do.”

“Perfect! You got it,” you beamed. “Don’t think, just do, okay? I believe in you, Jaemin.”

The advice that was haphazardly spilling from your lips was seemingly a bit crooked in nature— arguably so— but he seemed to be genuinely considering it. Jaemin was silent for a moment, blanking out at the rows in front of the both of you before he softly spoke up, eyebrows scrunched together, his head cocking to the side.

“Should I...?”

“Yeah, definitely! You don’t have anything to lose if you do it, right?” he spared another moment of consideration, and you kept going. “...whatever it is— but that doesn’t matter, just do it. If you do, you wouldn’t lose another night of sleep because of it.”

Self study period went on as is, but luckily you two weren’t the only ones not studying. You left him alone to rest and think about it more while you scribbled down answers for an assignment that was due later— highly contradictory to your suggestion of not thinking, but all was released when you heard Jaemin drop his pen to the table, followed after by a long, deep sigh.

“Alright.”

A bright smile overtook you as you busied yourself with the assignment.

“I like you.”

That smile disappeared with a loud and violent cough.

Oh, what the fuck.

“You told me to just do it, so there, I just did it. I like you,” he yawned as he melted into his books, peering over to look at the utter shock and disbelief in your frozen expression. Jaemin had to hold back a laugh. “You don’t have to follow your own advice— take as much time as you need— but I don’t want you losing sleep over me just as I did over you.”

With that, he decided that this was the best fucking time to finally disappear into sleep. You wanted to scream— the feeling of your throat twisting over itself with the indignant desire to squeeze out something, but there was sharp heat at every breath that prevented you from doing so.

You settled for two words only.

“Holy fuck.”

“Thank you for that quick and eloquent response,” Jaemin flipped over, looking at you with tired eyes and an equally tired smile, but despite all that he was still lively. “At least it wasn’t a blatant rejection.”

You thought that you wouldn’t have to make eye contact with him when his bangs were messily covering his eyes, but your regret came late when you caught the subtle quirk of the corners of his lips when you looked down at him in your daze. “W—wait, who said anything about rejecting you? How dare you drop that bomb onto me when I’m unprepared? I’m never giving you advice ever again.”

Self study period over. Nine in the morning. The bell rang and before your deskmate of three years, your crush of a little less than that could slip back into the slumber that he’d missed because of you, he managed to speak in a soft voice.

“Take your time.”

© hannie-dul-set, 2021.

[rabidpotato]

I have Castlevania brain rot send help

Ho boy. I have FEELINGS.

Season 4 spoilers and (longwinded) Discourse(TM) below the cut

A happy ending? In MY Castlevanias? It’s more likely than you think. With as grimdark as the series has been I fully expected to have my heart torn out and shat on, so to get an actual satisfying happy ending was a whole lungful of fresh air. Gimme that sweet sweet rush of Everybody Lives Nobody Dies, I need that shit pumped straight into my poor serotonin-starved brain.

What a hell of a season. There was enough material there for at least two seasons (and I would have LOVED to have two seasons, but that’s just because I’m greedy and want more…) and I was skeptical that they could even try to wrap up all those threads..and then they DID IT. Hot damn.

Hot Takes:

In this house we stan Greta and will tolerate no disrespect against our sword-and-hammer wielding queen. I love her, and I love her and Alucard’s dynamic with the deliberate parallels to Dracula and Lisa. I think she’s good for him.

TREVOR AND SYPHA UGH I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH I’m out here crying ugly tears at how much this stinky himbo and tiny nuke love each other ;______; Battle Couple OTP.

I would watch the shit out of an entire season of everybody building the new village and Trevor and Sypha learning how to be parents and Alucard and Greta getting closer and everybody just being HAPPY. This is because I am trash, not because there would actually be any storytelling value in such a thing. Same thing with onscreen kisses between Trevor and Sypha. Is it necessary? No. Doesn’t mean I don’t want it. But hey, that’s what fandom is for, right? I’ll just be over here drawing beetus-inducing fluff and being vaguely disgusted with myself.

Papa Trevor would be so soft. I think my ovaries just exploded.

I 100% expected Trevor to die and leave Sypha grieving and pregnant with the way they teased it in the trailer and the way it would have thematically fit with the rest of the series, and I am SO GLAD he didn’t. I’m tired of sad endings. I really love that he gets to be part of this world of people who know how to build things.

“I love you.” “I know.”

That single flash of Sypha’s face as he’s fading out knowing he’s going to die and being at peace with it, augh my fucking heart. T_T

Horse is secret MVP. That horse knows things.

Isaac confirmed for a) stand user and b) monster fucker. King out here living his best life, you love to see it.

But for reals tho, Isaac’s arc was one of my favorites. Nice fakeout with the conquest line in the trailer. The philosophical discussions on the nature of humans and night creatures, the way he comes to realize that he (and Hector, and by extension his own night creatures) is/are more than a tool to be used in the hands of others, the way he reclaims his own agency and decides he’s going to live...I fucking loved it. (Also paves the way for post-series forgehusbands…)

SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR STRIGA AND MORANA. I was holding my breath expecting them to get horribly killed the entire time and then they just...weren’t. The hot vampire wives got to literally ride off into the sunset (sunrise?) together, in a way that made sense. The General and the Organizer looked at the data on the ground, discussed, and made the calculated decision to stick with what really matters to them, not just Carmilla’s ambitions. More of this, please! Would have loved to see Striga fight more than once, though. Also I would shank a man for Morana’s cape.

Respect for Carmilla for going out on her own terms, even if it did feel a little heavy-handed. The cinematography of her and Isaac’s fight sure as hell made up for it though- that was one of the prettiest fights of the series.

Reunited trio’s fight was the other prettiest fight of the series. Holy fuck, what gorgeous animation.

I actually liked that St Germain’s lady friend never spoke- it reinforced the way that he has mythologized her to the point where she’s not even a person, just an ideal. It was also exactly what he deserved that she turned her back on him in the end. She’s just not that into you, bro.

Varney is a hoot. A greasy, flea-infested slimy hoot. Nice twist, too. Death’s design is *chef kiss*

Loved the themes of moving on and rebuilding and change and how there’s a pretty clear split between the people who are able to adapt and change (and live), and those “relics of the old world” who can’t or won’t. Ratko was criminally underused in this respect. I think there just wasn’t enough time.

Quibbles:

Pacing. I know Castlevania is notorious for uneven pacing, but in this case I think this is on Netflix- they should have been given a full two seasons to wrap this up, just to give things a chance to breathe. As it was, though, I think the writers did the best possible job given the constraints they were under.

Zamfir should have lived to learn the lesson about caring for the people who are still alive, and been the one to take charge of rebuilding Targoviste for the living. Having her die was straight-up pointless in a predictable way.

Did Trevor just straight-up forget he has TWO weapons with range when fighting Ratko? You have like a 30 foot reach what are you doing bro

Lenore is Problematic, and I wish there had been more tension between her and Hector. Like, I know Stockholm Syndrome is a thing, but he’s weirdly chill with her in a way that glosses over just what she did to him. Also I would have liked to see more self-awareness of “Oh, being a pet in a cage really is shitty, no matter how nice the cage. Now I know why what I did to you was wrong” before she dips. Her ending sure was poetic, though.

Wasn’t Trevor’s left arm broken in that last fight? How the heck is he even able to use it at the end? Also damn dude it’s been two weeks you should probably at least have washed those gaping wounds by now. Do you want sepsis? Because that’s how you get sepsis.

Unpopular Opinions:

Look I love Dracula/Lisa as much as the next shipper but “Hey we’re alive again for some reason!!” was totally out of left field. It felt like something out of a fix-it fic and it was just kinda baffling and jarring. Also go see your fucking kid, jfc you two are terrible parents.

Is Lisa just...kinda fine with the fact that Dracula tried to commit genocide in her name and almost killed their son? That must have been an awkward conversation.

I’m actually cool with Alucard spilling his life story to Greta on the march. He’s starving for human interaction, who’s to say he wouldn’t just want to TALK about what he’s been through? It’s treated in a way that’s a bit flippant for my taste, but we’ve seen enough of his trauma onscreen. I want to focus on his healing.

I’m hesitant to kick this particular hornet’s nest, but I really don’t think the ot3 has to be sexual? If it is, it damn well be an ot4 polycule with Greta. I see them more as two couples that are close friends and found family. But that’s the great thing about fandom! Rock on, shippers of all flavors, there’s room enough for everybody.

In Conclusion (jesus fuck how much did I write)

Castlevania pretty

Have you seen my braincell I think I misplaced it

Moar plz