#asoiaf strip mall

[jeyneofpoole]

roose buys all of his strip mall restaurant employees santa hats that they are required to wear while on the clock as part of an elaborate voyeuristic saw trap humiliation ritual for his own personal sexual gratification. theon wears his without complaint because it’s like the 25th least fucked up thing that’s happened to him this week so he might as well. barb finds a way to wear hers like a bandana, somehow, and ramsay jacks off into his and switches it with theon’s for his own personal sexual gratification. none of them celebrate christmas btw roose doesn’t even celebrate christmas he just likes making them squirm: festive edition! ho ho ho!

[naggascradle]

id like to imagine barbrey still does her maesters did 9/11 spiel to theon in strip mall au but its like them in the bowels of the connected maintenance shaft of the strip mall and it actually is over some sort of 9/11 level event that forever changed the town and she gets weirdly precise with it so there's like a pause there. then they get the replacement fire alarms and leave

[lislemons]

asoiaf characters as posts that remind me of them part 21

[barbreypilled]

hii !! hope ur doing well 🥰 i am writing to you with a humble request to see mooore🙏🙏 hunger games Subway au . which i enjoy Greatly ... ok have a good day kisses etc. <3

god I have been waiting for this moment anyway I feel like Panem Springs Shopping Centre is a gross strip mall in Etobicoke and each district is an icky store. 1 is a Pandora 2 is a SportChek 3 Apple Store 4 Red Lobster 5 oh god idk 6 used car dealership 7 Home Depot (small white homophobic dog staring at Johanna I know what you are) 8 H&M 9 Panera 10 Arby’s 11 Freshii 12 Bass Pro Shops. it is Pissverse. Annie does her freaky little Etsy witch spells in the walk in freezer Wiress is The Most condescending Genius Bar employee on the planet Haymitch is selling bathtub wine out of his car on his lunch break Enobaria is a militant vegan sorry that headcanon is just too important to me. The Arby’s there has the same meat supplier as ASOIAF subway so sometimes Barb has to haul ass out there to get extra ham and she’s like ‘Jesus the ppl who work in this mall are so weird thank god my place of employment is normal’ meanwhile Theon and Domeric just found a roach on the wall and instead of killing it they trapped it under a cup and ducttaped the cup to the wall. They will remove the cup in 4 months and the roach will have vanished

[jackoshadows]

Here goes a theory I stumbled upon and couldnt believe existed: so aparently George has said in some interview somewhere that "the magic side of asoiaf is the least important and what matters is the real relations between the people of the story" and.... this led to the person concluding that all magic people/people who perform any supernatural power will come to die until the end of the books and that will mean peace will finally reign in westeros. Also, the person considered the way Jon would stay alive despite having some magic of rhollor in himself.

Im still trying to process this theory. Thoughts?

George has said in some interview somewhere that "the magic side of asoiaf is the least important and what matters is the real relations between the people of the story"

Really? I have never come across fantasy writer George RR Martin saying that the magic is the least important part of his story. Can someone send me this interview.

I have read this one though:

And it is important that the individual books refer to the civil wars, but the series title reminds us constantly that the real issue lies in the North beyond the Wall. Stannis becomes one of the few characters fully to understand that, which is why in spite of everything he is a righteous man, and not just a version of Henry VII, Tiberius or Louis XI. 

And this one:

Tommy’s me … but no more than all the others. Robb is me in “Song for Lya,” as Dirk is me in Dying of the Light … though Arkin Ruark and Jaan Antony in that one are both me as well. Abner Marsh is me, as his proud sidewheeler Fevre Dream is the excursion boat to Far Rockaway, only the passengers drink blood instead of Kool-Aid. Sandy Blair is J-school me, Peter Norten is chess club me, Kenny Dorchester is me trying to lose weight. Holt in “The Stone City,” he’s the kid lying in the grass, staring up at distant stars. Trager is me on a dark night of the soul, bleeding poison from three wounds named Josie, Laurel, Rita. Jon Snow has me in him, and Sam Tarly. The women too, Lyanna and Shaara, and the girls, Arya and Adara … Daenerys Stormborn, searching for that house with the red door. And Tyrion Lannister? Oh, yes. The Imp is me in spades, the horny little bastard.” 

And this one:

The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real … for a moment at least … that long magic moment before we wake.

Fantasy is silver and scarlet, indigo and azure, obsidian veined with gold and lapis lazuli. Reality is plywood and plastic, done up in mud brown and olive drab. Fantasy tastes of habaneros and honey, cinnamon and cloves, rare red meat and wines as sweet as summer. Reality is beans and tofu, and ashes at the end. Reality is the strip malls of Burbank, the smokestacks of Cleveland, a parking garage in Newark. Fantasy is the towers of Minas Tirith, the ancient stones of Gormenghast, the halls of Camelot. Fantasy flies on the wings of Icarus, reality on Southwest Airlines. Why do our dreams become so much smaller when they finally come true?

We read fantasy to find the colors again, I think. To taste strong spices and hear the songs the sirens sang. There is something old and true in fantasy that speaks to something deep within us, to the child who dreamt that one day he would hunt the forests of the night, and feast beneath the hollow hills, and find a love to last forever somewhere south of Oz and north of Shangri-La.

They can keep their heaven. When I die, I’d sooner go to middle Earth.

[jeyneofpoole]

in the asoiaf strip mall ramsay and barbrey work at insert minimum wage fast food restaurant and take turns locking theon in the walk-in for different reasons (barbrey needs something to do and ramsay thinks it’s hot.) nights watch crew run a movie theatre that always smells like bo and burned popcorn with sticky linoleum floors and a communal bong they keep in full view of customers next to the slushy machine. bran and jojen work at a gamestop that hasn’t seen a customer in a calendar year but it’s fine because it’s actually only a front for the psychic mafia to launder money through and the ‘district manager’ bloodraven gives them free shit sometimes so it’s a sweet gig. sansa waxes eyebrows in a salon so poorly ventilated she develops a fainting disorder. arya teaches karate at the hole-in-the-wall dojo that has never had a class size exceed three and one of those three is always noted grown man sandor clegane. dany works part time at her families’ below board exotics shop that doesn’t believe in permits for owning wild animals. robb is unemployed but he likes to spend time in the cornerstore looking at all of the types of gum and chuckling good-naturedly at the wacky flavors.

[jeyneofpoole]

happy black friday to all strip mall enjoyers. bran and jojen have barricaded themselves inside the gamestop with cardboard cutouts of kratos godofwar and cords for ps4 remotes to ignore customers and get high on a jerry-rigged pen made with the body of a highlighter and a broken usb. the nights watch crew are doing fine in the movie theatre because nobody who frequents the strip is going to see fucking wicked and lysa’s mary kay minivan is doing great in the parking lot. asha and qarl ran out of vape juice so they’re just straight up selling weed. nobody’s seen theon for four hours (he is dead in the woods) or ramsay at all (knows where theon is but isn’t telling) because he called out sick (took theon out to the woods) with a migraine (he had plans. in the woods.)

[jeyneofpoole]

modern theon gets electrocuted by his strawberry mango lollipop sizzle flavored vape on the clock at his minimum-wage fast food job and passes out and hits his head on a shelf of molding bread and barbrey (shift manager) wakes him up by burning him with the end of the cigarette she always has in the corner of her mouth and forces him to take orders even though he’s actively concussed and seizing and when it’s time for him to go home he wraps balon’s 30 year old truck around a tree because he’s seeing double and he calls asha for help she picks him up and drives him to the er and steals the bars of hospital soap while her brother’s brain is leaking out of his ears and balon writes him out of the will for the whole truck thing but by god does theon clock in for his shift the next day. roose (store manager) lets him sleep on the floor if he promises to not tell the police about the time ramsay locked him in the walk-in for three hours and jacked off on the other side.

[jeyneofpoole]

strip mall sansa works at the beauty supply store run by lysa and her mary kay mlm and she develops a headache disorder because there are no vents in the whole building so she passes out all the time and she barters with theon for illegal pain pills he gets from ramsay that are laced with fentanyl for the migraines and in return she gives him expired bleach for his frosted tip maintenance that fries off the bottom two inches of his hair every time but he keeps coming back for more because he’s planning on killing himself literally tomorrow and doesn’t care

[jeyneofpoole]

ramsay is so kind <3

[jeyneofpoole]

when theon finds out ramsay has been jacking off into the bulk mayonnaise tubs at insert fast food restaurant he tells barbrey and she makes him go through and taste all of the tubs of mayonnaise to see which ones have been tainted. there’s no control to this experiment she just wants him to kill himself. later she mentions offhand to ramsay that theon ate his jizznnaise and ramsay is so flattered that he delays the master plan (take theon out to the woods under promise of discounted weed, bash him over the head with a tire iron, eat one of his fingers and bury the rest) for one night as a reward for good behavior. theon vomits for 25 minutes of his lunch break and uses the other 5 to stare at the two week notice he’s had in his notes app for three years like it might climb out of his phone and shoot him as one would a lame horse. he clocks back in.

[jeyneofpoole]

right now barbrey is in the manager’s office sitting in roose’s chair blasting [LOFI BEATS TO STUDY AND CHILL TO ☆*:.｡.:*☆] with her tiny bluetooth speaker that domeric dropped in his jank splash pad in her front yard when he was three and now everything comes out bass-boosted and crackly from water damage to drown out the sound of theon banging on the walk-in freezer door from the inside because ramsay locked him in there after theon refused to smoke his laced weed in walda’s new minivan that ramsay hotwired and drove to work while she was getting her bimonthly perm. barb’ll let him out when she needs to thaw burger patties but that might be a while because she has been entranced by the lofi snare she likes the irregularity and abrasiveness of the lofi snare it’s calming to her. she wipes a single tear away. domeric would’ve loved the lofi snare. theon has lost two fingers to frostbite. he doesn’t get to take a lunch because he’s wasted so much company time locked inside the walk-in. ramsay has been punching him out three hours early every day for the last month. he makes two fifty an hour. he allots half of that for his novelty lighter collection fund and the other half for bleach (frosted tip maintenance). this is the best day he’s had in months.

[jeyneofpoole]

normal tuesday for them

[jeyneofpoole]

Can you make a list and a ranking of theon's hookups in the strip mall based on how often they shag? I just know that bitch is fucking someone behind the dumpsters during 7 minutes of their lunchbreak while using his left hand to smoke a joint.

ramsay obviously. we've previously established that he locks theon in the walk-in to get his rocks off but what you don't know is that they're also having terrible, no-holds-barred, freaknasty sex in the back of ramsay's secondhand kia soul and then ramsay drives him home so he can watch through theon's bedroom window as he cries before bed (every night).

barbrey. don't get me wrong, there is no equal division of labor here. she makes him finger her in the back office with latex food handling gloves on while he's on lunch and takes away his hours if he goes over his allotted thirty minutes. she puts her cigarettes out on him. it's that kind of thing.

patrek mallister. woah new entry into the cinematic universe. patrek works at the local shitty gym called the 'thunderdome' or whatever that is carpeted for some godforsaken reason and always smells like wet dog. they absolutely desecrate some lifting benches but they're always doing the 'it's not gay to help a brother out, right? this is just what friends do, bro' and it's mostly terrible hand stuff.

roose. not technically a hookup, but he does watch everything through a ridiculously elaborate camera system he has installed throughout the mall. yeah it's a sexual thing.

[jeyneofpoole]

suffering from asoiaf strip mall withdrawals… do you have any more of the gospel to share

right now barbrey is making theon clean the fryer grease collection bins with a toothbrush and no gloves and after that he doesn't even get to go home he just sort of has to work the rest of his shift. they definitely don't adhere to food safety guidelines either btw that oil has been in circulation since domeric worked there. he died in 2011.

[jeyneofpoole]

the thing about asoiaf strip mall is that it’s all true at the same time. theon is sleeping in the vape shop he’s clocking in to work he’s buried in the woods somewhere he’s all of these things at once. strip mall cannot contradict itself it transcends human logic and reasoning.