#ask Hamsteak

[moonlights-shadow-warrior]

They're uniforms. Those are the same jackets just with some personalizations. Was anybody gonna tell me this or???

also based on the two gate keepers

there's blue ones

[strebcr]

I CAST APRIL 13TH UPON YOU

"NO, WAIT PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THA-"

*Your name is Streber.B.Rosenbusch. You are 26 years old and the reason this anon is about to sleep with one eye open!

[weaselishmcdiesel]

In my defense, the accidental lie has been going on for 4 years and each time I run into HS content I send it to this guy... which probably has worsened the lie, so like at this point I might as well go out with a bang

Also please please do give me more info on other characters you feel comfortable with, cuz we weren't sure what we were gonna play so we are doing 3 one-shots (Im DMing all 3, pain) before setting on one, so it might be a bit extra suspicious if only 1 homestuck npc shows up and I don't know enough about Nepeta to confidently make her show up 3 times and make it seem like she's my fav and I know all about her

This shit is so funny hshfjfjgjgj I do hope you manage to sneak by undetected if only so you can say you did such a good job pretending that you fooled a real fan XD and hopefully your friends a good sport

And sure! Maybe I can help strengthen those characters you say you know? They’re the more popular ones so I sorta know more about them than others.

I WROTE THIS IN MY NOTES APP THIS IS SUPER LONG ACTUALLY AND IM SO SORRY TRY TO SKIM IT <- was asked to talk about homestuck and thought was be able to keep it brief. Wasn’t.

Karkat - I was obsessed with him then and I’m obsessed with him now he’s a loud whining piece of shit with a pretty bad attitude. Mainly a character based on him would yell as their normal speaking volume, swear a LOT and also creatively, but is also hiding an insecurity. The thing about him is he has a mutant blood color that would get him killed on his planet- so he can’t let anyone find out, he can’t accidentally bleed or cry (tears are their blood color) in front of anyone. So maybe your character is also hiding something super important? He gets along best with people who don’t really take his bitching to heart since his bitching is his way of showing real concern- he does actually care about his friends no matter how many times he calls them idiots. Also is really interested in romance as a concept and likes romcoms. He uses dual sickles as a weapon- I figure you may want this information since they’re dnd characters.

Dave - Cool kid, sunglasses he never takes off, he raps and makes beats on his turntables. He’s obsessed with irony and sorta doesn’t know how to enjoy anything without being ironic about it? Enjoys frustrating people WITH his irony. I struggle with characterizing him bc I’ve consumed a lot of fanon, but maybe that will make your presentation of him more authentic XD? A safe bet is to make your character kinda deadpan in tone but still be able to crack jokes and act pretty silly. If given the opportunity to be the hero he will not take it, he rejects the idea that he should be anyone important. He fights with swords and has a tendency to break them- but still uses them anyway. He gets the power to time travel later on, and can stop a person in time too, dunno how you’d implement that tho.

Vriska - … very very tough for me to summarize her… but I can say that a character based off her has killed one friend, paralyzed one friend, and blinded one friend, but then feel little to no remorse about any of it because they believe they’re the main character and nothing bad will happen to them since it’s all part of their story (though, she blinded that one person because that person blew up her left arm and left eye BECAUSE vriska killed that one friend). Ahem. Got carried away. Your character just did some pretty bad shit that makes them seem untrustworthy. She’s very lucky tho- it’s part of her powers- so your character should be too. She has a spider motif but it only really manifests in her adoration for spiders and her way of typing, so you may not have to worry about that. She’s popularly called the “huge 8itch” if that helps. She fights by rolling die? And depending on how they land they’ll do more or less damage. I don’t really know the specifics? But her luck powers enable her to roll exactly what she wants every time

Rose - rose is also tough for me… she’s a writer and can use a lot of big words and constructs sorta needlessly complicated sentences but she’s got a lot of wit and loves being sarcastic. She’s.. gothy? Has an interest in the occult and occult myths and she’s also pretty fascinated by wizards but I think tries to be lowkey about it? She’s a very smart and clever person too- so much so that in fanon people tend to forget she’s also kinda silly. Sorry that’s all I can say ^^; she fights using a pair of knitting needles- eventually they can also conduct magic and do damage that way. The power she gets later on is- sorta like knowing the future? She can only know the GOOD outcome but she knows specifics so that she can tell her team how they can end up getting the good outcome- she’s the strategist of the group

John - the leader of the kids! suuuper cheery and has the ability to pretty much make friends with anyone. He ends up being naive tho and may not realize when someone is trying to take control of him. He’s very interested in pranks and overall being a silly goofster ✨ if it ever comes up under no circumstances will he eat baked confections. No cakes especially. He loooves Nicolas cage and ghostbusters and some other older movies I can’t remember- other characters just tend to say he likes bad movies but he adamantly believes they’re very good. So maybe your character can also defend something that may objectively be kinda bad? His iconic weapon class is hammers 💪💪 but he also gets wind powers later- he can summon tornados or even fade into air to travel in the wind and appear somewhere else

—

It may be helpful to point out for nepeta- she has a best friend who’s very concerned about her well-being, equius. He even so much as controls what she can and can’t do (kinda only about certain things that are super dangerous). I don’t really like him as a character, but your npc might be hesitant to do something before asking their best friend for permission. He’s a stickler and very no-nonsense and will likely deny anything too dangerous? But also he’s incredibly terrifyingly physically strong- so your pcs wouldn’t win a fair fight with him. He also sucks up to any royalty. If any pc is royalty he’ll do anything they say. A trademark of his is that he gets very sweaty very easily and also very much likes horses. Also he likes milk. Idk. Nepeta’s weapons are these retractable claw glove things- and equius WOULD use a bow and arrow but breaks every single bow he picks up because he can’t control his strength. Instead, he fights with his fists 👍

—

Very quick rundown of the main characters I haven’t mentioned yet-

TROLLS

(they’re all kinda friends but I point out their most important relationships, ones your pcs may ask about, they’re also ordered from lowest to highest class) kept these summaries vague so you can insert your npcs in their place?

Aradia - she’s dead don’t worry about her, if asked she was into roleplay, archaeology, and adventuring. friends with Terezi, dated sollux, killed by vriska if you need to know

Tavros - he’s the one who’s paralyzed from the waist down, he has no confidence whatsoever, likes the troll equivalent of Pokémon, has a bull motif, has lots of conflicting feelings about vriska (is constantly manipulated by her), and is friends with Gamzee. Attacks with a jousting spear

Sollux - likes coding and computers, has a red and blue and duality motif, speaks with a lisp, also likes bees a lot. Will not eat honey if asked tho, friends with karkat and hates Eridan. Dates Aradia and feferi. Attacks with his very strong telepathic powers, could kill him if he’s over exerted

Karkat - friends with sollux, kanaya, Jade, has a crush on Terezi but is normal about being friends with her, and is sorta chill with Gamzee and Eridan. Dates Dave but really really hated him to begin with so be careful, may say he hates Dave if asked- they date late into homestuck… would say he hates everyone if asked. Except kanaya

Nepeta - BEST friends with equius, kinda friends with Terezi? Roleplayed with her sometimes but terezi’s a little mean about it cant tell

Kanaya - she’s a very reliable friend, but fears she’s too meddlesome. interested in fashion and is also a vampire 👍 very good friends friends with karkat and dates rose (do not separate) Hates Gamzee and Eridan if asked. Attacks with a chainsaw that can also transform into lipstick

Terezi - LAWFUL whatever your character is theyre lawful. Loves dragons and she’s blind but she can smell/taste colors to the point where she can kinda see? She has something very complicated going on with vriska (she’s the one vriska blinded, but still sorta loves her as a friend). Attacks with a blade concealed in her walking stick

Vriska - she lost her left arm and eye but she gets a robot arm. Has something complicated with Tavros (kinda crushes on him kinda hates him) and Terezi, turned down a confession from Eridan (but he asks out everyone so it’s not that big a deal) but they were friends in the past

Equius - ehhhh I don’t like him idk he has a crush on Aradia and it’s weird, big thing about him is he makes robots idk. Brutally protective of nepeta- they’re best friends

Gamzee - stoner who’s (and I mean this literally) religiously devoted to clowns- wears face paint all the time and has clown horns everywhere for him to honk. Friends with tavros and karkat but everyone (but tavros) sorta treats him like a useless stoner when he’s just trying to be friendly (ahem. Until some crazy story stuff goes down but i won’t spoil it in case you read) should not be without his substance for too long or people will die not exaggerating. Attacks with clubs.

Eridan - classist royalty, fish guy pirate, interested in war and strategy, makes fish puns I think. Has a crush on Feferi but they’re supposed to be best friends. Used to be friends with vriska but confessed to her. Hates Sollux bc when Feferi stopped being best friends with Eridan, she went on to date Sollux. He’s rizzless. Completely rizzless. Attacks with a cool harpoon gun. Doesn’t believe in magic if asked.

Feferi - THE empress like she’s as royal as you can get, but she’s in waiting for when the current empress passes. she’s also a fish but she’s not classist- she cares a lot for people and animals and would abolish the ableist classist regime of the planet they live on if she had the power, until then she tends to aquatic animals n stuff (not afraid to kill people if necessary tho, she knows how to survive). Friends with Eridan but only to keep him from killing people, stops being friends him when there are no more people TO kill around. Dates Sollux later. Also makes fish puns. Attacks with a two pronged trident.

—

Wow this is getting so long I’m so sorry

THE KIDS

I won’t go into the alpha kids or the other set of 12 trolls bc I’m very rough with them and also they’re not as important?

Dave - raised by his older brother who taught him sword fighting but was also super neglectful as a gaurdian and traumatized him with puppets and constant sword training and pranks. All the kids are very good friends with each other so nothing of note there but he goes on to date karkat- if asked tho he canonically was kinda struggling with finding out he was gay, though if your PCs don’t want to deal with that then do what fanon does and ignore that (I also ignore it). He’s also technically siblings with rose but doesn’t share the mom TECHNICALLY. If asked he doesn’t have a mom unless you want me to go into the alpha kids OTL

John - has just a dad who cares about him very much. And if asked regards his late grandmother very fondly. He doesn’t go on to date anyone but he does kinda hate Terezi? Troll romance is complicated I shouldn’t explain it. He’s technically siblings..? With Jade? But they don’t share the grandparents or the dad.

Rose - dates kanaya I’m serious do not separate them. She has a mom who’s an alcoholic but has a pretty humorous oneupmanship going on between them. She’s technically siblings with Dave but doesn’t share the brother

Jade - ok. So. She was raised by an omnipotent dog. Her grandpa died when she was very young and her dog (bec) took care of her. She’s very cheery - even cheerier and sweeter than John but she will not take any shit she’s not naive like him. She’s interested in science and robots and botany she’s very good at growing plants but she lived all alone on an island for most of her life. She always had visions of the future growing up but was never creeped out by them, always staying optimistic. Her main weapon is a rifle- not sure how that translates in dnd? She later gets the power to manipulate space itself- make things massive or very tiny, she gets telepathy and can move objects around at near the speed of light, and can teleport. She also becomes part dog later. I’d say she’s lawful good? Probably easy bet. She’s friends with karkat, kinda friends with Feferi, in one universe she dated an alternate version of Dave- not the Dave your PCs would meet, so if asked I dont think she exactly had a crush on him- I believe they both said their feelings are complicated. Technically siblings with John but like I said don’t share the parents

—

Forever apologizing for the wall of text. I’m hoping that, having been a dm once myself, you were expecting a lot of info..? No matter what tho I didn’t write as much reading all of homestuck is worth XD

[puppet-purgatory]

In this post of yours that I watch from afar I dumbly thought you said Homestuck instead of sadstuck and now I imagine PH characters playing Sburb together and now I low-key wanna draw it lmao >:3

HOMESTUCK IS WHERE THE TERM COMES FROM idr if it was used ironically or not in the Beginning because it sounds so fuckin silly, but thats what theyd tag their angst/hurt stuff with, so now i just call Any contextless sad/angst-for-angsts-sake content Sadstuck. whenever i use it it's Always in a joking context on stuff that's over-the-top or Unrequested sads

also homestuck is a hyperfixation i am Not eager to see return at all ever so I Am Sorry I've Got U Thinking About It. My Sincerest Condolences

[scrawlingskribbles]

sighs and smh my head lol

[thewebcomicsreview]

Woah, it's a hamsteak! Bit early this month, maybe they're splitting it into two parts (Edit: Apparently yes, per a newspost). They've been teasing a big [S] page for a while, probably where the game starts in Meat and The Point is revealed in Candy, and these updates seem like they're getting everyone in position for that. We're now done with the Ship and with DIrk, and we won't see either until the [S] comes, but we still need to pick up the kids and see what Karkat is up to, so I'm expecting this is a setup-heavy update for an [S] page...next month, on 6/12? Let's see.

KARKAT: KEPT YOU WAITING, HUH?

Candy Karkat is blatantly Solid Snake and I'm a bit surprised the old team never had him riff a Snake catchphrase. New team popping that cherry right off. Also, wow, Karkles got swole.

MEENAH: took you long enough bossman KARKAT: I THOUGHT I ASKED YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT WHEN WE'RE ALONE. MEENAH: big bossman KARKAT: NOT BETTER. MEENAH: sweetie-pirate KARKAT: BOSSMAN IT IS.

We're just going all-in on the Metal Gear references, but Meenah loses fishpoints for not calling him Big Bass. It's right there, Meenah.

KARKAT: AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED THERE'S AN ESCALATING, LARGE-SCALE MILITARY CONFLICT UNDERWAY;

Is there? I hadn't noticed, because the war is entirely fucking offscreen in HS2, to the point where I'm really unclear on if it's huge open battles (as in the epilogues) or a terrorist insurgency (as implied by Jane's focus on PR, the lack of any on-screen fighting, and even here Karket saying he was blowing up "Crockercorp" supply depots instead of "human" supply depots). "Escalating" is an interesting word, though. I have a theory that Jane and Rose both don't consider any of Earth C's population "Real", and in Jane's mind she's basically just been larping as a bad guy up until her dad died and she got serious, and this is why Jane was seemingly cool with helping Jade raise Yiffy, even though Jade is a commander in the anti-Jane rebel army. Jane's going to just stop being evil on a dime and everyone but Rose and Jane are going to be baffled.

There was a writer commentary where they kept making jokes about doing this, but I guess it's real. Why is the Carapacian naked?

These guys, who are not guaranteed to survive to the end of the update, are already fucking great.

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, COMPANIES 1 THROUGH 3 ARE IN PLACE. KARKAT: 4 THROUGH 6 ARE EN ROUTE.

Is this the first 413 in HS2? I'm surprised they're not using 612, the troll number.

KARKAT: ALSO THIS COVERT-OPS SUIT IS TIGHT AS ALL FUCK. MEENAH: well if its any consolation that may be rough for you but its a pretty great time to be your rear admire-all 38) KARKAT: MUCH OBLIGED.

The ship no one expected!

KARKAT: NOT LIKE DAVE. MEENAH: how you feelin about that

I know Karkat hasn't had a lot of screen time in HS2, and I know they've justified why this is coming up now, but as far as Karkat knows Candy Dave A. Married Jade, and then B. Died fifteen years ago. Has this really not come up in fifteen years?

SOLLUX: there's like a bazillion m0oks swarming ar0und my crib and none 0f the grubereats dudes are accepting orders right n0w. SOLLUX: probably 0n account 0f your inc0nvenient ass war. SOLLUX: could y0u pick me something up? SOLLUX: i'm assuming you're 0n your way.

Is this...the first on-screen interaction between Karkat and Sollux since Cascade in 2011? It was worth the wait.

KARKAT: MAYBE YOU'D GIVE MORE OF A FUCK ABOUT THE REPRODUCTIVE FUTURE OF OUR SPECIES IF ARADIA WAS EVER ACTUALLY THERE LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GET SOME. MEENAH: ohhh snapper KARKAT: ANYWAY YEAH I CAN PROBABLY SWING THAT.

This is maybe the most Karkat interaction ever. He's furious for extremely good reasons, he's constantly insulting his friends, of course he'll swing his A-team war truck by McDonalds on the way to the war zone to get Sollux something. Doesn't even occur to him not to.

KARKAT: AND WE NEVER LET IT GO. LOB 4: Well said, sir! KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK. KARKAT: HOW LONG HAVE YOU ALL BEEN LISTENING? TER 2: Pretty much since the beginning, sir!

It's cool and thematic that these guys talk in Dave's colors but I'm unbelievably sad they don't have names.

KARKAT: COMMANDERS HARLEY, MARYAM, AND LALONDE ARE INBOUND, AND NOT LONG AFTER THEY GET HERE THINGS ARE GOING TO GET BATSHIT STUPID!

Last time we saw Vrissy, she was seeing Yiffy for the first time. I was expecting an update following up on that before the big everything coming together, but maybe they won't get a chance to talk yet

Because this sure feels like the last page before an [S]

Edit: But it isn't, the news post said another update this month.

[chessb0r3d]

I post jack shit of the things I like. Yippee!!

Multifandom art accont

-> @chessboredom

Hamsteak accont

-> @disguisedcheezed

World of Edd accont

-> @cheezeweezer

Stimbored accont

-> @chessboreds

Dirk Strider.

♤ ♡ ♤ ♡ ♤ ♡ ♤ ♡ ♤ ♡ ♤ ♡ ♤ ♡ ♤

Fun Facts about me and more jack shit! Bluh!

I made those BTW/TBH creature comic posts. :3

> 1 2 3 4 <

Spam liking/reblogging is okay and is highly encouraged! Go crazy!

I have no DNI. Don't send me discourse/drama and such. U_U

If you followed me for my non-homestuck, here's a thing:

I LOVE dirkjohn. I am So Normal about them <-(warning) I will go into a weekly dirkjohn spam reblog hunt into the depths of this hell site, whether it either contains them both or individually #john #dirk. I also tag them in cat posts with #cat john and #cat dirk. I've been reblogging dirkjohn posts over a year. Current number of #dirkjohn tagged posts is 3155.

( Shout out to those who still followed me. I love seeing you guys in my notifs. )

I have other hyperfixations, but DirkJohn occupies almost all of my thoughts so I don't really care about them right now. /copypasta

More of which that is listed here in my listography.

《 Welceom to my really shitty tagging system navigation for myself 》

Tip! Click on the hashtags if your on pc/browser, or the words if your on mobile.

#chrambles - Me talking about what ever.

#mine - Tag for all of my art from across my blogs posted/reblogged here.

#chess ocs - My hell spawns that I love and hate dearly.

#asks stuff - Tag for answered asks.

I tag warnings such as #blood , #gore , #self harm , #decapitation , #noncon and etc. just as they are. <- applies in all across my fandom blogs

I only tag bugs when I like the post.

#so cool - My inspo tag. It's because of this 13 second yt video that did irreversible effects to my brain.

#this is nice. - Like it said, it has nice things. The posts where it hits so close to home, and other positive things I'd like to remind myself that the world a wonderful place to be in. :)

#mecore - Posts that are LITERALLY me.

#more for the collection - Genres of posts that I find funny and so common and I like seeing them every where.

#cat :3 , #doggy :3 , #honse , #borb - Creatures I like. :3

《My Other Homosuck Related tags》

#so sadstuck , #dirkapitation , #hs meta , #hs gifs , #hs sprite edits ,

#striders , #lalondes , #strilondes , #egberts , #harleyberts , #crockerberts , #harlenglish ,

Other favorite ships that I'll just put here because yes

#nuzi , #tomtord , #krusie , #davejake , #batterie , #2bhank , #sasunaru , #sonadow , #kawoshin , #charlastor

[alexis-royce]

Good sir, I acknowledge that you probably get a million asks like this per minute but is Dea DeLus reminiscent of Terezi Pyrope on purpose, or is that just a me-problem?

(Also a banger game, but you already know that)

"Afraid that's a you problem, sport!"

Dea "Exit" Delus was initially a session zero villain for a World of Darkness: Slashers campaign. If you've played Off the Cuff, that incarnation is basically who she was in-game (you know, except for all the BDSM stuff. I wrote that on my free time)

The PCs ended up as her employees, and they kind of ended up with a plotline that was about curing the evil void worms that burrowed into their brains and made them commit murders. Exit usually stayed back at the base, offering comms assistance and leadership in the form of plot hooks and like, general bullying.

Nowak/DRT was an ongoing threat, but the big bad, as always, was Talaiporia.

I read through the ol hamsteak back in the day, but I was never an active member of the fandom. I liked the prose and format more than the characters themselves, so none of my ocs are based off characters from the comic. Exit's insp is "Jigsaw by way of Danganronpa," and thought of her killing rooms as practical tests of character.

[shameboree]

Wrong time to ask (ik) but do you have an ao3 or upload written content about your ocs?

i do NOT but hilarious story i used to post my oc writes in the misc section of ffnet and thats how my Psycho Ex found me by supersleuth stalking me through 5 different VERY VAGUELY connected accts (ffnet lj devart tegaki and reverse google img searching my hamsteak draws until she found my tumblr). this is actually not what made me dial back on talking abt ocs tho i just got less chatty (Very Shocking since i dont shut the fuck up ever) but also puriteens put the fear of doxx in me which my stint in vslur fandom only reinforced. i love ocs so much tho i love to play barbies with my friends so i am trying to share that joy with others again. anyway everyone go play barbies with their friends

[secretkryptoniteangel]

Hello! What's your favorite of the post-scratch hamsteak cast?

Also, if you don't mind my asking! Is that you're fursona as a profile picture? (Further, if it is, do you have a ref sheet or tag for drawings?)

hey! thanks for the ask :D

for post scratch humans its definitely Rolal, like come on

for trolls, its a toss up between Meulin and Meenah? enraptured by the excitable catgirl anf the cool meangirl

My icon is Xenia the alternate linux mascot, so not my fursona hahaha. i dont have any drawings of my fursona for these hands do not made good lines!

Xenia is pretty cool, theres a lot of art dedicated to her if you wanna see it!

[commanderhorncleaver]

have 3, 12, 14, and 25 for august mayhaps? :) @kerra-and-company

Ask Game

3. What is your favorite childhood memory?

August frowns as he stops to think, pattering his fingers on the desk between you. "I think my favorite was the Toddler Hamsteak Insurrection. It wasn't anything particularly amazing, but it's what led to me meeting Horncleaver."

12. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? (on vacation or permanently!)

"A vacation out in Elona would be nice. Unlike the oldsters, most of the rest of us handled the desert pretty well. It'd be nice to just," he pauses, sighing wistfully, and you can see a glitter in his eyes, "Commandeer a section of the desert and lay our claim. Build giant sand castles.... I know Horncleaver would like to take Kettle back to visit, too."

14. What are your favorite music genres?

He frowns. "I'm not much for music, actually. Makes it hard for me to focus on what I'm doing, I get distracted easily."

"But," he sits up and leans towards you, "Horncleaver's learning the double bass, and it's not the worst. I guess string instruments like that are fine."

25. (Free Space) What is your favorite way to utilize your mesmer magics (thank you, group chat).

August smiles. "Ooh... I like tricking people, the most. A mixture of illusions, clones, and psionics? I rarely get involved much in group brawls with the rest of the band--it's usually Arashi and myself--we work together well. Giving folk too much to keep track of is very enjoyable."

[no-psi-nan]

Ahhh, ye olde Hamsteak... I'm a big fan!

The Huss might have an abrasive personality and questionable business practices, but you can't deny that he's excellent at creating characters and interactions that feel real.

And he truly innovated with the medium in a way that I think would seriously be taught in schools, pushing the limits of storytelling by approaching it through text, images, gifs, music, flash animations, ads, content on other sites, games, etc!

I learned a lot about storytelling by reading Homestuck and take some inspiration from different elements of it, and I know several writer friends who felt the same way after reading Homestuck.

If you haven't read Homestuck yet, I recommend giving it a try!

Yeah it's pretty long, so don't try to binge it– I'd recommend just reading through a smaller chunk of pages every day, which coincidentally would mimic how it was originally released. I believe there's an option to help you read it in release cadence in the linked app.

The collection of Homestuck music made by fans is also really epic, I love instrumentals/viddy game music and listen to a lot of fan tunes!

Thanks for the ask, Anon!!

[Context for ask] <- still open for these btw

[strebcr]

Well atleast as a hs troll streber doesn't need to worry about any missing left arm..

Uhm actually ☝️🤓

[pesterloglog]

Karkat Vantas, Jade Harley, Jane Crocker, Kanaya Maryam, John Egbert

Act 6, page 6325-6333

KARKAT: WHAT'S THAT.

JADE: what this?

KARKAT: YES. THAT.

JADE: earth

KARKAT: THAT'S EARTH??

KARKAT: WHY IS IT SO SMALL

JADE: its small because i shrunk it

JADE: cause im a space witch

JADE: duhhh

KARKAT: OK BUT

KARKAT: WHY DO YOU HAVE IT?

KARKAT: I THOUGHT JACK DESTROYED YOUR UNIVERSE.

JADE: he did

JADE: but i snuck through a portal and nabbed it!

JADE: then i hopped right back through the gate before everything blew up

JADE: i was in and out like a bandit

JADE: you know, i like to think i make a pretty good witch, especially since i turned wicked and all...

JADE: but maybe i would have made an even better thief!

JADE: what do you think jane? do you think i missed my true calling?

JANE: .

JADE: come to think of it, the new empire probably doesnt need anymore thieves

JADE: we already have the greatest thief of all running the show

JADE: she even managed to steal both of us away from all our pals, didnt she jane? ;)

JANE: .

JADE: hehe

JADE: isnt she a riot guys?

KARKAT: THANKS JADE. NO REALLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THOSE CLARIFICATIONS, WHILE OBLITERATING ANY SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT YOU ARE FIRMLY OFF YOUR ROCKER.

KARKAT: BUT MAYBE IF IT'S NOT *TOO* MUCH EXTRA TROUBLE, YOU COULD HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'VE STRANDED US ON A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT PLANETS, ONLY TO COME TAUNT ME WITH A WATERLOGGED, MINIATURIZED VERSION OF EARTH???

JADE: it wont be earth for much longer

JADE: it will be home to the new empire

JADE: i will deliver it to the universe we create

JADE: or i should say the one YOU create

JADE: if you are obedient and complete the tasks you are assigned, you may have a place in the empire among the subservient classes

KARKAT: BRRRRRR!

KARKAT: DID YOU FEEL THAT TOO KANAYA? A CHILL JUST RAN DOWN MY TORSO PILLAR DUE TO ALL THE *PURE EVIL* THAT BRAINWASHED JADE IS SAYING! I'M FUCKING PETRIFIED, SOMEBODY HELP ME CHANGE MY SMELLY PANTS!

KARKAT: LISTEN JADE. AND OTHER RANDOM EVIL GIRL, YOU LISTEN TOO. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID LITTLE GLOBE OR YOUR OMINOUS ALLUSIONS TO NEW EMPIRES OR WHAT SORT OF PARIAHS WE CAN EXPECT TO BE IN YOUR BOGUS DREAM DYSTOPIA.

KARKAT: THERE IS ONLY ONE COURSE OF ACTION FROM YOU WHICH I WILL TOLERATE, AND THAT IS FEEDING ME A STEADY DIET OF FUCKING ANSWERS! NOT CAGEY, SMIRK-TORTURED INFO-MORSELS DELIVERED BETWEEN SHITTY VILLAIN CHUCKLES, I WANT AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA WHICH HAS ONLY ONE PURPOSE, AND THAT IS TO GET ME PERSONALLY UP TO SPEED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING, RIGHT THIS BLOOD SHITTING SECOND!!!!!

JADE: karkat i had almost forgotten how much i missed our repartee

JADE: thank you for reminding me, that outburst was beautiful

JADE: if youre frustrated by the way im treating you look at it this way... im not asking you for passwords anymore am i?

KARKAT: HAHA! YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT PASSWORDS?

KARKAT: COMPARED TO THIS, THE PASSWORDS WERE A GODDAMN LAWNMEAL!!! WITH A CHECKERED TABLECLOTH AND EVERYTHING! FUN FOR ALL INVOLVED, ESPECIALLY THE MARCHBUGS SNEAKING THE CRUMBS AWAY!

KARKAT: I WOULD FUCKING KILL TO HAVE TO GIVE YOU PASSWORDS AGAIN, ESPECIALLY IF IT MEANT UNLOCKING REGULAR JADE FROM HER CORRUPTED EMPIRE SERVING BARKFIEND STATE!

KARKAT: *IS* THERE A PASSWORD LIKE THAT JADE? CAN I START GUESSING AT IT??

KARKAT: LET'S SEE, SINCE YOU APPEAR TO BE SOME SORT OF WILD CARNIVOROUS FURRY NOW, IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MEAT, DOESN'T IT?

KARKAT: SAUSAGES?

KARKAT: IT'S SAUSAGES ISN'T IT

KARKAT: AM I CLOSE? SOMETHING IN THE SAUSAGE DEPARTMENT.

KARKAT: SNOUT SAUSAGES?

KARKAT: GRUBWURST!

KARKAT: HOOF LOAF??

KARKAT: HAMSTEAK!!!

JADE: sorry karkat, there is no password. not this time

JADE: if you continue to list meat products then im afraid the only thing you will unlock is my fearsome doggy hunger

JADE: and believe me, you dont want to see me when im doggy hungry

KARKAT: (ROLLING MY DAMN EYES)

JADE: but if you insist on hounding me (hehe) for some sort of explanation, its all pretty simple

JADE: we all recently arrived in this brand new session... janes session actually

JADE: this is jane btw. say hi jane

JANE: .

JADE: lol

JADE: jane is actually my biological mother believe it or not

KARKAT: THIS STORY SUCKS SO FAR!

JADE: shh!

JADE: but her session was taken over by the woman who you might call our mutual great grandmother

JADE: shes an alien. a very powerful troll queen actually

KARKAT: YEAH! THE EMPRESS IS HERE! I THINK WE ALREADY MANAGED TO DEDUCE THAT!

JADE: karkat you are the one who demanded an "UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA"

JADE: ill thank you to not to yell at me for doing exactly what you requested

KARKAT: (KANAYA, DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH)

KANAYA: (You Do Realize I Spoke To Jade Plenty Of Times Myself)

KARKAT: (YOU DID?)

KARKAT: (OH YEAH)

KARKAT: (I GUESS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT)

JADE: her imperious condescension is in control now

JADE: she intends to carry out the remaining objectives to complete the session

JADE: those tasks will be distributed among several recently recruited agents of course

JADE: (thats you!)

JADE: this should come as a relief to you since it means you and she are not in opposition at all

JADE: in fact you share all the same goals!

JADE: the only difference is that when the time comes she will be the one claiming the ultimate reward

JADE: the spoils will be hers not ours... get it?

KARKAT: I THINK SO!

KARKAT: SHE WANTS US ALL TO GET A NICE HEAD START ON OUR DECADENT NEW LIFE OF SLAVERY PROMISED FOR US ON YOUR SCALE MODEL OF ALTERNIEARTH.

KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS SUPER! DOESN'T THAT SOUND SUPER KANAYA?

KANAYA: No

KARKAT: I THINK I SPEAK FOR KANAYA WHEN I SAY IT SOUNDS Really Fucking Super.

KARKAT: HOW DO WE GET STARTED??? I AM JUST BEFOULING MY ALREADY-PUNGENT DRAWERS OVER THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND START DOING SLAVERY!

JADE: excellent

JADE: what you will need to do is ready the young frog for its journey to skaia

JADE: i will prepare skaia to receive it by deploying the battlefield from our old session

JADE: this will bring fertility to the void session and allow the frog to mature when he completes his journey

KARKAT: SO YOU WANT US TO MAKE ANOTHER FROG?

JADE: no!

JADE: i already made one actually

JADE: dont you remember??

KARKAT: UH

JADE: really your job is so easy

JADE: theres no more frog breeding involved at all

JADE: when the time is right, you just have to release the one thats already there

KARKAT: WHERE IS IT?

JADE: it fell into the forge

JADE: in the years since it has sunk all the way down to the planets core

JADE: but as it happens that is exactly where it should be!

JADE: my denizen is now guarding it

JADE: as im sure kanaya already knows it will not be released unless you travel there and formally request that she do so

KARKAT: OH YEAH?

KARKAT: IF IT'S THAT SIMPLE, THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO IT!

KARKAT: YOU CAN USE YOUR DOG TELEPORTATION OR WHATEVER.

JADE: i already did

JADE: echidna will not speak with me

KARKAT: HAHAHA!

KARKAT: WHY NOT?

KARKAT: COULD IT BE DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A CRAPPY EVIL VERSION OF YOURSELF, AND THE MIGHTY ECHIDNA JUST POSSIBLY HAS TOO MUCH SELF RESPECT TO BOTHER DIGNIFYING THE FARCE YOU'VE BECOME?

JADE: it is not important why, and it changes nothing

JADE: she said she would only speak with another hero of space

JADE: that would be kanaya

JADE: she also cryptically requested the presence of the knight who once helped her with breeding duties

JADE: karkat i gather that would be you

KARKAT: ME???

KARKAT: WHY WOULD SHE ASK TO SEE ME

KARKAT: ANOTHER SPACE PLAYER I COULD UNDERSTAND, BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?

JADE: i dont know karkat

JADE: that is your problem, not mine

JADE: maybe you should try feeling grateful she asked for you

KARKAT: GRATEFUL?!

JADE: youre getting the chance to set right what went so horribly wrong

JADE: to atone for your hasty first attempt at frog breeding which resulted in a terminal universe

JADE: if i were you i would feel pretty relieved to get a second chance, but thats just me :p

KARKAT: WOW...

KARKAT: WOW!!!!!!!

KARKAT: KANAYA, IT'S OFFICIAL. JADE HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF GROSS NIGHTMARE BITCH!

KARKAT: AS THE BELEAGUERED AND LONG SUFFERING LEADER, ALBEIT *STILL* LEADER OF OUR PARTY, I MOTION THAT WE DON'T DO ANYTHING SHE SAYS, OR ANYTHING TO HELP THE EMPRESS EVEN IF IT OVERLAPS WITH OUR OWN INTERESTS, AND STOP LISTENING TO WERE-HARLEY UNTIL SHE SNAPS OUT OF HER BRUTAL IDIOT COMA!

KANAYA: I Second Your Motion

KARKAT: THE MOTION PASSES WITH AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF VOTES AMONG PEOPLE IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY WHO AREN'T HORRIBLE!

JADE: i would be careful about the slurs you bandy about, particularly those targeting my canine qualities which i am sensitive about and therefore find to be really really mean

JADE: you should be aware that i have already threatened to kill some people today so watch your step mister

KARKAT: GROAN

KARKAT: SORRY JADE, BUT YOU SOUND ABOUT AS THREATENING AS SOME MILD FLATULENCE I ONCE HAD

JADE: its true though i am very threatening

JADE: and this girl right here?

JADE: shes even worse

JADE: she hasnt even said a WORD... that is TERRIFYING!

JADE: jeez even im nervous

JADE: and kanaya dont think you are safe from our threats just because you happen to be a vampire

JADE: we have ways of handling the undead

KANAYA: Um

JADE: jane here?

JADE: she has the power to bring people back to life

JADE: although it is my understanding that this ability is limited to a one time only use per individual

KANAYA: So

JADE: you do know what sort of effect her resurrection spell will have on undead targets...

KANAYA: No?

JADE: you dont?

JADE: i thought it was common knowledge

JADE: when you cast healing magic on a zombie or dracula they die!

KANAYA: How Do You Figure

JADE: i dont know...

JADE: isnt that how it works in stories and games and such

JADE: seems pretty logical to me

KANAYA: I Think You Are Presuming To Know A Lot About My Nature Which Is Not Actually True

KANAYA: It Sounds As Though Youre Suggesting That I Have Qualities Similar To Certain Types Of Shadow Droppers Which Is Not Quite The Case But Even If It Was There Are A Lot Of Myths About Shadow Dropper Physiology That Are Commonly Perpetuated By Popular...

JADE: SIIIGH

JADE: i can see a demonstration will be in order

JADE: jane

JADE: if you would be so kind

JANE: SUBMIT.

KARKAT: AUGH!

JOHN: *deep breath...*

JADE: GOTCHA!!!!!

JOHN: *deep breath...*

JADE: john stop that

[stalesweetrolls]

❤️‍🔥🍓🍅🎂🧡 for the emoji asks!

Thank you so much for asking!! 🥰

❤️‍🔥- I think the character I simp for the most at the moment is Halsin from BG3. Who doesn't love a big, cuddly, polygamous, bear lol

🍓- This one's a bit tricky because "food" can be vague. If we're talking snacks then I looovve Malomars, if we're talking about a meal I can't say no to steak, potatoes and asparagus.

🍅- Again food is vague, if we're talking snack then I would say Yogurt if we're talking meal then I would say hamsteak and buttered noodles, I had both of these wayyy too much as a kid.

🎂- My birthday is July 21st, so im a cancer and I was born in the year of the tiger lol

🧡- I am actually still trying to fully figure out my sexuality, up until now I was bisexual and then pansexual but I've been looking up more and more stuff and I'm kinda leaning towards Demisexual now.

[kingofdersecest-2]

These past few homestuck asks have been pretty good, brings me back to the old days where i would toss out rants.

So if anyone wants to pick my brain about ole hamsteak im down.