#ash and eiji are alive and healthy in japan

[kleptoballs]

Banana fish has destroyed me and now i live in a constant state of denial

[blue-jeens]

Prompt: After trying to get Eiji to go back to Japan(episodes 12-13), Ash comes back to the empty condo

The whole world seemed to have gone silent as Ash trudged back up to their apartment.

My apartment, Ash corrected himself, trying to ignore the sharp pang of betrayal his own words sent through him. Eiji didn’t belong here. He never belonged in this snooty Manhattan high rise the way birds didn’t belong in gilded cages. And when you set them free, they didn’t come back.

He had kept Eiji trapped here for far too long, without so much as doing him the courtesy of some company. No, he was too busy getting his hands dirty in back alleys and coming home late to pollute Eiji with that ugliness. Even now, exhausted, covered in blood and sweat from an afternoon of massacring misfortunate amateurs, filthy in a way that ran deeper than a simple shower could wash away, he longed for Eiji. His words, his presence, his warmth, his kindness.

The curtains were drawn, and the whole room was bathed in a calm, warm glow: a cruel contradiction to the tempest inside him. It was a beautiful sunset too. Eiji would have liked it. “Golden hour” he used to say – and run for his camera.

Ash smiled to himself. Let himself pretend he could hear the patter of Eiji’s footsteps in the other room, and any moment now he would rush in to take pictures of Ash lounging around their apartment, and Ash would act like he was annoyed – like his heart wasn’t somersaulting in his chest.

But the seconds ticked by, and Ash leaned his forehead against the window only to feel himself tremble. He closed his eyes; everywhere he looked, it felt like negative space anyway.

He didn’t pack or nuthin boss. Jus’ left for the airport like you asked.

If there was any breath left to spare in Ash’s lungs he would have laughed. He did it on purpose, he thought bitterly. Ash had half a mind to get rid of the condo and never look back. He couldn’t bear the thought of sorting through their possessions and finding reminders of the best thing that had happened to him.

They say if you love someone you should let them go, but they never talk about what you do after. What do you do to make it not hurt? Ash didn’t exactly have the luxury to pine.

But he did anyway; he thought about Eiji and everything he meant to him. He let his guard down, only registering the creak of the door after it had already shut. For a moment he stiffened; out of fear or anticipation, he didn’t know. His mind ran through the possibilities, the likeliest being that he had left someone from Arthur’s gang alive on that train, who had now followed him all the way back here to finish the job.

He could still fight. He could grab his gun and duck behind the kitchen counter and take the intruder out in seconds with the ease that came from years of practice fighting.

But he was so tired of fighting.

So, he stood there, thinking about Eiji’s face and laugh and his smile and his food – and waited for the inevitable bullet to rip through his chest.

“Ash?”

He whipped his head around, felt his stomach turn and heart leap.

Eiji was right there, looking sheepish and windswept and beautiful and – he looked like home. Ash blinked to make sure it truly was Eiji, and not a vivid afterimage of his previous thoughts.

Eiji stepped forward, and in spite of everything Ash actually wanted to do in that moment, he held up his hand, and tried to summon frustration. Eiji froze mid-step.

“Ash, I – ”

“Stop. You’re…” Ash not-so-discreetly wiped a stray tear and composed his wavering voice. “You’re supposed to be in Japan.”

“I couldn’t go. I got off the plane.”

“I don’t want you here.”

He looked hurt, but his face hardened. “Tell me you hate me, Ash. And I’ll leave. I promise.”

“I can’t – that’s unfair.”

“You keep trying to make my decisions for me. Isn’t that unfair?”

Ash clenched his fists at his side, trying not to break down. To start sobbing and make Eiji comfort him when he was hurting too. Because of Ash. It was disgusting.

“I just want you to be safe,” he whispered. “If something happened to you, I don’t know what I would…”

His vision blurred and he only heard Eiji’s shuffle across the carpet. Eiji’s hands settled on his shoulders, featherlight, like he feared breaking Ash.

For a while Eiji just ran his palms over Ash’s arms in silence. When Ash finally stopped shaking, he asked quietly, “You remember that story about the leopard you told me?”

Ash nodded.

“Did you consider you were sending me up my own mountain?”

He looked up in confusion. “Eiji, you’re not – you’re a bird. You can fly and I – I keep you trapped for myself because I’m… you should hate me,” he pleaded.

Eiji put his hand on Ash’s cheek; he must have only meant for it to be a light touch, but Ash leaned into it anyway.

“I know you think you’re being selfish for wanting me here. I know you feel like you’re taking something from me but Ash, I have nothing you could take that I wouldn’t give you anyway.”

A beat of silence.

“You’re so stubborn,” Ash said miserably.

“So are you. Must be contagious,” Eiji shrugged, trying for a smile, but his eyes glittered like the sky at twilight.  “Ash, I- I’m the selfish one. And I ask you for everything. You – you’re everything.”

You’re my purpose, Ash heard. That Eiji, who deserved everything the world had to offer had settled on him – it felt good, in a rotten sort of way. But maybe it wasn’t about what they deserved, just what they wanted.

They were leaning heavily into each other, in more ways than one, so it didn’t take much for Ash to tentatively gather Eiji in his arms. Eiji, in turn, clung to him desperately – the domino effect of this kind of bravery.

“That can’t be healthy,” Ash mumbled into his hair.

Eiji scoffed, still holding on. “You’re going to tell me what is and isn’t healthy?”

“Coaches don’t play.”

He felt Eiji’s laugh against his shoulder, then the dampness of his tears.

“Ash please let me stay. It doesn’t have to be forever. Just for now.”

Ash nodded, soft hair tickling his nose. “Okay,” he choked out and Eiji relaxed under him. “Okay, yeah. Okay.”

Ash was still afraid, terrified. If Eiji ever wanted to leave, he knew would pack his bags and buy him the tickets. But until then, he wouldn’t force him, or assume he understood Eiji better than Eiji understood himself.

Birds don’t return to their cages. But Ash supposed they always come back home.

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Based on a prompt by @coconutlimeverbena