#as well as some stuff I put up on deviantart and dreamwidth

[krys-loves-otome]

30 Days of Fanfic, Days 1-4

Saw this literally cross my dash yesterday and decided, you know what, I'm gonna try this.

There isn't a masterlist for this, as the original poster is only posting the prompts day to day (which sucks for me that wants to queue things and be punctual) but day to day means I probably miss some days and combine days together to catch up (like today) so don't rely on me for daily updates of the questions. You can check out the tag 30 Days of Fanfic and follow it (or keep it open, as I plan on doing, but you do you, boo).

Also, under a cut because WOW did this get long (well, duh, it's 4 days of catch up, lol).

So, without much ado, here's Days 1 through 4 of the 30 Days of Fanfic!

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Day 1 - How did you first get into writing fanfic, and what was the first fandom you wrote for? What do you think it was about that fandom that pulled you in?

I've been off and on with fic writing since the early 2000s, starting off in my middle school days reading fics on geocities sites and some of the early years of Fanfictiondotnet, and realized, hey, I wanna do this too! Got my start on fanfictiondotnet in 2002 with Dragonball Z fics, of all things (mostly AUs, judging from my FFN page).

When I first got into DBZ, it actually wasn't playing on our local broadcast tv (since my family couldn't afford cable at the time), so I actually got into with random VHS tapes and DVDs in bargain bins. Which meant the episodes no one really liked (the Saiyaman saga (Gohan as a teenage superhero and early tournament arc stuff), some early parts of the Freeza saga, and Trunks's introduction, etc), basically a lot of the filler stuff. Essentially, I was introduced first to the character stuff rather than the punch-y, action-y fighting stuff and got to know them outside of the fighting. The fandom at the time (or at least in the places where I found it) was also more focused on character dynamics rather than fighting and I think that gave me the courage to start making my own stories.

DBZ is also special to me as it got me into drawing fanart seriously as well. We didn't have a printer at the time, so if I wanted art of my own, I had to stare at the monitor for hours to recreate the art (and then cry when dial-up kicked me off and everything went away, then listened to that noise as it tried to get back up again. That was the reality of AOL, lol). This was also the same if I wanted to have fanfic to read on the go as well. Since reading on your phone or any sort of portable device wouldn't become a thing for a few more years, I handwrote that shit (was too embarrassed to print off at school like the normal kids) and kept it all in a binder. 'Tis also the reason I tend to handwrite fics before I put them on something digital, be it my laptop or my phone now. It also helped to develop my handwriting speed and accuracy.

But yeah, DBZ was my kicking off point for my fandom career and the beginning of my fandom journey into who I am now.

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Day 2 - Name the Fandoms you've written in, how much you've written in those fandoms, and if you still write for them.

Oh gosh, all of them? Quick reminder, I've been in fandom actively since at least 2002! This is going to be a super long list, oh god…

Middle School/High School Writing (because this is gonna be huge, I'm gonna divide things into time chunks)

First and foremost, I'll start with the two biggest ones of early writing days, DBZ, as stated for Day 1's entry, and Yu-Gi-Oh! (Duel Monsters specifically, we'll get to the later series(s) in a bit.)

DBZ: Like I said, I mostly did AUs for this one, the very first fic being about Bulma marrying someone she didn't like (Yamcha, apparently) with Vegeta being on the run from Freeza and the two meet and fall in love and whatnot. Bardock is apparently Bulma's dad, and Goku is her brother, for some reason. And one chapter is a song fic.

Yes, really.

There was also one where Goku didn't hit his head when he was a baby, and Chichi was mute for some reason and they get together. There was also the Radditz fic that was paired with an OC and she helps him learn about human life and they get together (and the first time I delved into dark subject matter with this one). This one also has my highest word count to date (27,448) and was (actually) finished in 2004. (It had a sequel started, but I never finished it, whoops).

YGO: This one was happening simultaneously with DBZ and was probably my biggest fandom in my early days, between writing fic and RP-ing in AIM. First YGO fic (on FFN) is a poetry collection that I'm kinda afraid to read now.  There was also my next longest fic where Yuugi was in the real world, with YGO being a TV show, and he gets sucked into the tv and into the 'world' of YGO, and it's really weird and really… really gay.

My BL love for YGO was strong in these days.

There were a few birthday one-shots, one fic where Shadi and Ishizu hooked up because that was a thing. I also had a YGO crossover with Lord of the Rings and that was also weird. Ryou Bakura was also a fallen angel at one point that landed in Ancient Egypt (with strong doses of the BL), and Pegasus having a daughter in another fic because why not.

Misc: -Crack crossover fic because that was also a thing in the mid-2000s, being high on sugar and all that nonsense. -Poetry collection for Rurouni Kenshin.   -Reincarnation fic for Lord of the Rings (or Modern AU, possibly both, I can't tell. Also, self insert, it looks like. Because who wasn't at least a little in love with Legolas in 2004).   -An Animorphs fic (hell yeah, Animorphs!) where Visser Three kidnaps Alloran’s pregnant wife Jahar for leverage against Alloran (because the Visser wants them Andalite babies to use for future hosts) and it's sad. -A Fushigi Yuugi fic where, instead of just one priestess, there's one for each of the celestial warriors, one of them being the daughter of their patron god Suzaku, because why not. -And a Harry Potter fic where teen pregnancy is explored (or, from the description alone, Draco can magic girls pregnant for some reason and I'm scared to read further).

Everything from High School Graduation until about 2015: College time! Didn't have much time for fic writing and was more into RP-ing to help take my mind off the stress of college and work life. Some notable exceptions were a kid fic with Dante and Vergil from Devil May Cry trying to figure out if Santa is real and a Hinata/Sasuke fic (because I was a big shipper of them back then) where they hook up after Naruto and Sakura's engagement because screw what canon says. Later (around 2013-2014ish) I also copied an idea from an RP friend at the time who was writing fics based on YGO fanart at the time. Also did some more YGO stuff during this time as well, small drabbles that I put together in a collection when I didn't finish them but wanted to post something anyway.

2015, the Jump Back into Fandom Proper I was finally finding my place on tumblr and I fell back into the YGO fandom, specifically with the latest series of the time, Arc V. It was the most I'd interacted with fandom at large since...ever, doing fic requests and theorizing what was gonna happen with other fans on a weekly basis, it was some good times back then. I even participated in my first monthly challenge, the Arc V 1 Year Anniversary where I was drawing and writing again like crazy for a whole month straight. I even did one multi-chapter fic during this time 'The Misadventures of Ruri Kurosaki and Her Traveling Band of Emo Birds'  where I did an AU of the events leading up to Ruri's eventual kidnapping (also my first time delving into Post-Apocalyptic kinda fic). Some other notables that I like are pretty much anything involving the XYZ-trio (Ruri, Yuuto, and Shun), Ruri being a prisoner in the Fusion Dimension (my personal favorite is Prisoner Princess)… okay, just anything involving the XYZ-trio, whether alone or paired with one or the other, I'm a huge sucker for their dynamic (that canon didn't give and I was devastated, so I took matters into my own hands, lol).

2016, The Modern Era After cooling down from Arc-V who should come by to sweep me off my feet but Haikyuu!! and Mystic Messenger! Only posted two fics for Haikyuu, both of which are still my most viewed and kudos'd fics, and I'm still amazed they're still getting love, four years later. (I had a third planned with the Reader living in a polyship with the third years of Aoba Johsai in college/after college, but it didn't really go anywhere. The boys basically come together to catch a panty thief that has been stealing Reader's underwear off the clothesline. It also involved throwing underwear at each other in a fight.)

Mystic Messenger started my writing for otome fandoms, wanting to participate in a week-long appreciation week, so I wrote stories for the majority of the days (one day had a little scribble of fanart as I was burned out with writing so much so quickly). But this was also the time when my laptop then was dying, so I had to write the majority of the prompts on my phone (including the html so I could post them to tumblr) and it… was not a fun time, to say the least, which also contributed to the burnout. Some fics from here are Smiles (the Zen cheering up the reader fic), Love at First Sight (Jumin route inspired one-shot), Broken Glass (707 route inspired where he and the Reader are interacting in person for the first time, when they can't hide behind screens and cameras anymore and their real selves come out), and a Stripper Zen AU that was inspired by a hilarious typo in-game.

2017 and Beyond Stayed mostly in otome realms since 2016, doing some 100 word writing challenges for various otomes, including MysMe, Dandelion, Hakuoki, Seduce Me the Otome, and various others. In 2019, I got into writing for my most recent fandom, Ikemen Sengoku (been in it since about 2018, but only recently started writing for it). This is the most recent one I've written for and still write for.  

As for fandoms I still write for, while I like to think that I will write in them again if the inspo takes me ( I did a rewrite challenge with my Animorphs fic once, doing a rewrite in 2010 from the original 2005 version, so visiting old fics isn't completely off the table), some of these are so old now (and some fandoms don't have good associations for me anymore), so I probably won't be writing for some of the older stuff, like DBZ, Naruto, and some of the older one-shots. I still have some plans for some MysMe fics (like an extended version of Standing Still and another one involving Jumin) but they're mostly on the backburner while I work on my IkeSen stuff.

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Day 3 - For each of the fandoms you've written in, what were/are your favorite characters to write? Why were these characters your favorites? (Can be main, side, established, or original!)

I'm gonna stick to the most major of fandoms from the previous day, as some are just one fic per fandom, so I can't say if they're my favorite for writing in that fandom if I've only written for it once :'D

Can't remember the DBZ stuff because it's been too long. I think I liked writing Goku since he's appeared in 2 of the fics from that era?

YGO: It was definitely Ryou and the Bakura trio. Still kind of is, to this day. Ryou was my favorite because I related most to him in the show, and he doesn't get as much love as some of the other characters do. He became my baby once the show didn't… show him as much love anymore.

Naruto: I loved Hinata and shipping her around with the various boys. I related to her the most of the other Naruto girls, so it was a kinda wish fulfillment when I shipped her with various boys (mostly Naruto, Sasuke, and Gaara).

YGO Arc V: The XYZ Trio, especially Ruri. Like Ryou, Ruri didn't get much development in the series and me, having been invested in her so much once she had a name and attachment to two of my favorite characters of the series, I just took her and made her my own.

Haikyuu: I loved writing Oikawa. I'm sorry, but I did. He can be such a shit and it's just… so much fun to write. I especially love writing his dynamic with Iwaizumi.

MysMe: I like writing Jumin for some reason. Like, I have weird feels for Jumin that I'll probably make a post about someday, but to summarize: He's cool outside of his route; in his route, there are some elements I'm Definitely Not Okay With, but then fandom brings me back and then I love him again. … It’s really weird.

IkeSen: I like writing Mitsuhide. Like Oikawa, he's got this certain appeal as a shit-stirrer and it's just... So much fun.

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Day 4 - Do you have a 'muse' character(s), that speaks to you more than others, or that tries to push their way in, even when the fic isn't about them? Who are they, and why did that character(s) become your muse? Are they a canon character or an OC?

For the longest time, Ryou from YGO was probably my biggest inspiration for a lot of things, writing-wise. He was one of the first characters I RP-ed, both in my AIM days and in my Livejournal and Dreamwidth RP days. He was one of my first loves when I was getting into YGO BL (Ryou and Bakura, aka Tendershipping, was the ship of dreams for years, at least until the Thief King came along, then I was absolutely a goner for Ryou and Thief King, or Gemshipping, because naming ships with specific words instead of smushing names together was a thing for the YGO fandom (probably still is, as far as I'm aware. Pokemon did something similar, I believe). Ryou was the first time I explored cis-genderbending in fic and RP (not so subtly inspired by a series of fics I read in 2004 where Ryou was also genderbended there and was in a polyship with Bakura, Malik and his dark half (I even named two of my cats after their kids, Aria and Aten, lol)

For the longest time, he was my biggest inspiration for creativity and a comforting presence when I wasn't feeling too good about myself and when I needed to get something out, Ryou was there for me to get out ideas or any negativity I was experiencing. Also, fun fact, I got my first car on Ryou's birthday, September 2nd, and I always called it Ryou (mostly to myself, as it seemed silly to name your car after a character you've loved since middle school). I also like that he got more of a backstory in Darkside of Dimensions when I watched that and felt like I was in middle school again, watching YGO again, but with upgraded animation and story and everything was just *chef's kiss*

I've drifted away from YGO since then and have found new fandoms to play in, but I doubt anyone else could replace what Ryou has meant to me over the years. A close friend I could always look back on with fondness, who I would gladly take the hand of again and have him with me if the occasion calls for it. So, yeah. Ryou's my muse.

[meruz]

Aforementioned long ask post please excuse me while i try to figure out tumblr's new text editor. I’ll get into the art meme questions first and then the rest at the end.

Ok first of all thank you all for sending in questions! Giving me an excuse to talk hehe. I’ll address these in number order. Here’s a link to the ask meme for reference but also I’ll restate the question for ease of reading.

1. When did you get into art?

Super cliche answer but I don’t remember a time where I WASN’T the weird art kid! I started keeping a dedicated sketchbook when I was about 12? But here’s a page from my kindergarten journal about what I want to be when I grow up.

2. What art-related sites have you ever signed up for? 

LOL this is a weird question. Not sure why so many people want to know. Anyways I definitely had a dA. more than one dA account. I used to browse oekakis when I was a kid but I think I was only signed up to some small ones that internet friends owned. What else...? Mangabullet,Tegakie, Paintberri, iscribble back when that was a thing, instagram if that COUNTs, I used to post art on livejournal and dreamwidth too. Patreon, I guess. Gumroad, inprnt, bigcartel, storenvy all for selling stuff.

In terms of resources.. I have a schoolism account that I’m sharing with friends. Used to take classes on coursera for free. I signed up to textures.com for work recently haha. I can’t remember if I ever had an account on posemaniacs. Did they have accounts...? I definitely used to visit all the time.

3. Show us your oldest piece of art you have on hand.

Alright here’s me actually logging into my old deviantart account. These are from September 2008 So I was 13 years old. I don’t have a deviantart account from before then because 13 was the required age for having an account and I didn’t want to lie about my age because I wanted people to be impressed by how young yet clearly incredible at art I was LOL.

4. What defines your artistic style?

You guys are probably more equipped to answer this than me but uh... I wanna say... Focus on colors. And... a slightly heavy hand? Like confident... not always well-considered mark making HAH...

Also I think I have a pretty healthy mix of american comics/manga influences. I feel like people who are into american comics always think my art is too manga and people who are into anime/manga always think my art is too american. And I’m taking that as a good sign.

5. Do you practice other styles/have you tried other styles in the past?

I like to think I switch it up a bunch! I mean, these are pretty different, right?

I think I’ve mentioned this before but one thing I really took away from art school is that, for an illustrator at least, art style shouldn’t be consistent. Your greatest weapon is changing the aspects of your style based on the task, the emotions and message you want to illustrate etc. So depending on the project I’m working on, the fandom I’m drawing for, whether I want something to be funny or serious or dramatic, I’ll change things about my style all the time.

One thing I don’t rly post on here is really tight polished work and that’s because I do that for my day job haha. If you’re not paying me... I’m probably not gonna color in the lines.

6. What levels of artistic education have you had?

I have a whole ass diploma LOL. Bachelor of Fine Arts in Illustration. from the Rhode Island School of Design. And I had a great college experience tbh. Besides the student loans. If any of you guys are thinking about art school feel free to e-mail or message me questions or concerns, I’ll be happy to help. Be as honest as I can be.

7. Show us at least one picture you drew or sketched recently that you did not put on a public site.

heres the wandavision kids. Uhh what else do I have...I feel like I’m rummaging for loose change here...

assorted valentines prep doodles

8. What is your favourite piece that you have done?

Well, obviously this is gonna change all the time and generally it’s gonna be my most recent piece LOL. So yeah, why the hell not. I’ll say it’s this one. I have a pretty short memory which I count as a blessing for an artist. I don’t dwell that long on older work and it keeps me moving forward.

10. What do you like most about your art?

I like that it’s something that only I would make! I had this thought fairly recently and I wrote it down in my sketchbook, it’s pretty cheesy and rambling but it felt revolutionary at the time:

So yeah. I like my art best when it’s the most me and for me. And I like it least when it feels like I’m just making something for social media or for other people’s expectations or whatever.

14. What do you like drawing the most?

Kids in baggy clothing are like my go-to LOL idk if that’s obvious. but also I like being challenged so lately I’ve really loved drawing multi-character compositions, environments, weird angles, etc.

oh i LOVE drawing the underside of shoes lol. And bandages. People that are kinda beat up.. I think it comes from getting a bunch of cuts all the time. I’m always patching myself up and I want to patch characters up too.

15. What do you like drawing the least?

mmm I try to find something to like in every drawing but lets see... I don’t like doing commissions of people’s dogs. Just because it’s normally like... a family friend and my mom volunteered me without my consent and I don’t even really know what they’re expecting me to draw and I don’t even get to meet the dog. Also I’m not that great at dog anatomy. Trying to learn though.

18. What is your purpose for drawing?

This could have a million answers! Uhhh to GIT GOOD??? But also to express myself... and also to make money... I mean it depends on what the drawing IS. I draw fanart mostly to connect to people in the fandom so if you ever see me drawing fanart please take it as like an open invitation to talk to me about the character haha. 

20. How would you rank your art? (poor, mediocre, good, etc.)

Good!!! I have a lot of self-confidence primarily born out of ignorance and a short attention span. If I don’t think too hard about how many other artists are mindblowingly unfathombly good... its easy to think I’m good too! LOL

In all seriousness though, I think the opinion a person has of their art is like a crazy balancing act, right? Like you have to think you suck enough to want to get better but also you have to think you’re good enough to not want to give up. I think we’re all walking that line, I know I am! But also I’m a glass half-full type of person so. Most of the time I feel good about it.

22. List at least one of your “artspirations.”

This is a good question because I’ve been trying and failing to put together one of those “influence map” memes for like a full month now. What’s giving me a hard time is I feel like none of these are actually really obvious “““influences”““ in my art? Like it’s hard to see a lot of them in the work I make...? But idk maybe you guys’ll see what I can’t.

And these are just a couple! God there’s so many more. I could talk about other artists for ages, from all different genres of art. Daumier, Rockwell like every illustrator out there, Dana Gibson, Alex Toth, Hiroshi Yoshida, a lot of the Brandywine School. Lots of current working artists too, Karl Kerschl, frikkin Masashi Kishimoto lol, Jake Wyatt, Richie Pope, Edouard Caplain, Matt Cook, Sachin Teng, - lots of big internet artists, Sophie Li, Freddy Carrasco, Milliofish, Angela Sung... like all my friends from art school too. I could just keep going but I’ll stop for now lol.

24. Do you have a shameful art past? (recolour sprite comics, tracing art, etc.)

I mean if that’s how we’re defining shameful?? sure LOL. It’s not sprite comics but I used to do pokemon sprite recolors all the time. And I used to trace manga panels and color them... Granted this was all when I was like under 12 yrs old so it’s not even embarrassing. Can you really call it shameful when a 7 year old wets the bed or whatever? Not really. In fact some of these are cool as fuck. Look

25. Draw a picture!

Man I’m so tired now but here.

I used to get a lot of compliments for drawing people smiling lol but I don’t think I’ve drawn a lot of smiling lately.. here’s proof I’ve still got it.

OK MEME DONE. onto the rest.

I read this ask first thing when i opened my computer in the morning and it made me really emotional.. I’m so glad my sketches could help you!!

I think a lot of artists on social media talk about the struggle of making art but imo not enough people talk about the joy! Like I know it’s corny but. I really meant what I said at the beginning of that sketchbook about re-contextualizing art around process and progress > product and perfection. I think its super important..! The strength of messy, unfinished, and energetic art! For the feeling of it, for the love it!

That's crazy!!! I hope you like 'em. The whole line of x-books is really good rn imo.

Hi! I totally have the answer for digital stuff on my faq lol. But in terms of drawing on paper.. it varies! I tend to use sketchbooking and any on-paper doodling I do as a way to loosen up/warm-up or experiment. But right now my go-to aresenal is:

from top > bottom

- kuretake no.55 doublesided brush pen

- tombow fudenosuke

- muji 0.38 ballpoint

- medium size poscas

- grey tombow double brush pens

- good ol bic mechanical pencil

not EXACTly sure which inking you referring to from my sketchbook but if I had to take a guess it'd probably be the kuretake no55. That's been my main inker, lately. Great for sketching with the thin end too.

You can print out and eat my art if you like. Just please don't mass produce or re-sell. <3

Thanks! I've come to accept that my art is always gonna be sort of gestural and painty naturally. It's getting it to tighten up enough to be legible that's hard lol...

uh yeah lol I agree actually. I think yolei is great.

I assume these asks are related? LOL

1) Yeah totally true. I love David.

2) I don’t take requests, sorry! But if you want to commission me to draw Legion i would be MORE than happy to. Just e-mail me at isellhotdogs@gmail.com.

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[tara-l-blackmore]

Words

I've struggled with putting this anywhere. I started writing it in emails, on Twitter, on DeviantArt, even on Dreamwidth. I've stopped each time. I'm pretty sure this won't even go up, but let's see.

I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with people, right now. I'm lonely, and miserable, and yearning for friendship, but I cannot handle it. I cannot handle dealing with people, no matter how close I am to them. This includes – yes – people I consider to be family. This includes by family, even. I have lost contact with dozens of people that I’ve sworn never to lose contact with – or they have chosen to lose contact with me – and it's starting to… affect me.

All I’ve been able to do is write. I can't talk. Or if I do try to talk, I fuck it up. I have no been open with how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been going through, and why I've avoided people I don't want to avoid. I don't want to talk about myself, so when I talk to people, once they ask about me, I end the convo or change the subject. I can't take it. I don't want to fucking talk about it.

But here we are. You're reading this, clearly, because you want to know what's wrong with me, for whatever fucking reason. Fine you want to know? Read on. If you don't? Stop reading and please stop asking me. I want to make this clear that I’ve kept this shit to myself because nobody cares about problems like I have. I think. If you're reading this, you're not nobody. Whatever, anyway.

My pain started getting worse two years ago, so I had my gallbladder removed. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I should not have done it. Because now, I’m worse off.

Since 2017, my health has been progressing into worse and worse problems, to the point that medications no longer work on me, save high doses of morphine. I'm not allowed to be on morphine, anymore, save dire emergencies in the ER (it's the only thing that stops the flare up). During these pain flare-ups, I want to die. I can't deal. I can't even think. All I can do is lie on the couch and cry, zoning out on YouTube. It's especially gotten worse since I quit smoking, but not enough to start, again.

The night I missed my niece being born, I broke. I lost it. I lost my patience with this illness of mine. I ended up missing one of the most important moments of her life, spending it in a hospital two hours away, being ignored and mistreated and mocked – and then ignored. It severed something mentally.

Since then, I haven't been okay.

I've ruined my own birthday, twice; the day of was spent sobbing over vaccinations. The day of the party was spent in misery, because the party had nothing to do with me – I was being used as a ruse to make it about Ellie – and when I left, the party went on without me – what I thought was the entire idea, that I'd been used for these reasons. And to be honest, I still don't know what happened after I left, because no one told me. No one thought to. No one cared enough to, it felt to me.

I started drifting more and more away, only now by people I speak to online, either through chat or phone calls. I stopped being able to deal with talking to people one-on-one, because emails gave me time to think about what I had to say, instead of speaking on the fly and hurting people. Only it still didn't work.

My depression was also getting worse. I needed more and more attention, more reassurance, in a world that is more and more making me feel adrift and left behind. When I was able to catch up, I merely discovered how much I kept missing, how happy people are without me around their ankle. I realised how many people I’ve been holding back for years, and it almost killed me.

I tried to explain it to those people I ignored, tried to explain that I’m broken, I’ll never be what they deserve or need, and that they need to walk lest I keep fucking them up further. I tried, but whatever I said was overlooked because I was a good person before now. I keep trying to explain that I’m not a good person, anymore, because the pain is making me insane, and I don't know how to deal with people, anymore, but… nobody's listening to me…

So this is my last try. This is what I should have said when any of you started to be my friends. Look at the people who've already walked, and you'll notice that I’m the common bad variable, and nothing else. I know that many of you want me to hang around because of what I was once like. And honestly, I miss what I was like back then, too.

But then, June 2017. It was the start of the end. The injections. The dozens and dozens of ER tests and humiliation and abuse. The money and ignorance of the hospital staffs (when told what to do to help and how fast it would help me if they just did it). People online, people offline, seeing me disabled and seeing a brat.

Over the past four years, I’ve been a part of the Undertale fandom, a game that saved my life and a fandom that kept me living, and I met so many of you, cared about so many of you – but somehow shoved you all away. The more you cared, the more I ran away.

Why? Because I deserve to be alone.

I've said this, many times, in different ways, but I’m told I’m wrong, when I’m right, and it hurts. So I stopped talking. I made it obvious that I’m not worth your time.

Because I didn't want to explain what was going on.

My medications aren't working, anymore, so they keep switching them. Now, they're switching my antidepressant, and it's… bad. It's very bad. I have to taper off my current med, then start from scratch with the new one, and the decrease is making my depression stronger. I haven't been able to speak on the phone or even go out (save mandatory doctor visits), and I keep taking everything personally and crying over everything. Three times, I’ve convinced myself that Terry is going to divorce me. It's bad.

Because of it, I don't know what's up or down, what's true or false, and no matter how much I trust someone, I still feel like all I am is someone to be pitied, and I would rather never be pitied, but either loved for who I am, or hated for that same reason.

And that's because I hate myself for feeling this way. I have been secluding myself to both punish myself and prove to you all how unreliable and gross I am.

A lot of you are younger than me, and have enough to deal with. I'm also aware that a lot of you are young enough to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to people. But what I’m doing is inappropriate. The things I complain and beg advice for are not appropriate. I treat you like shrinks, forgetting your age and your own lives and problems and issues.

It makes me sick, my selfishness. And I can't fucking deal with it.

So I’ve been staying away, save angry tweets and angrier YouTube comments. The rare times I reach out usually end worse off than when I did before I reached out, so I have learned not to.

And finally, for the very last time, I must say this: I know I am immature, I am stunted, I am behind the times, and I cannot fix it. I try to, by using all of you like the scumbag I am, and not bothering to listen to you or help you. I cry my problems, then run away the second you need me.

I'm so tired of it. I can't do this to people, anymore. I've been trying to gradually disappear, save stuff that keep me sane (fanfic and comics), and while many of you keep me sane, I’m tired of using you that way, too.

I know this is me mind-reading, as many of you will say. But, I’m sorry, this isn't that at all. This is me paying attention to what is being said and shown to me, and now, I get it.

Please, please, please stop insisting this isn't so. The fact that every time I mention it, it's left ignored, and often shamefully so, and that angers me. I pour my heart out, explain, answer the questions I’m being asked but it's ignored, only so that I can be asked for help that I just finished screaming myself raw that I can't help anyone the way I am, anymore.

My brain refuses to listen to kindness, anymore. It refuses to accept that anyone wants to bother with me, because on one hand, I’ve been given shameful proof that I’m absolutely right in my sad assessment. But on the other, I’m aware that a few of you are sincere, and do mean what you said.

But I can't tell the difference. I need help. I need real help, a kind that I need before I can even dream of being a good friend or a kind person to any of you. I can be nice, be complimentary, be honest in my affection and happy feelings for you, and all is sincere. But I have deep difficulty believing the same from you, to me, because of my pain and my depression. I know many of you with depression understand.

But why don't you give up on me…? Why can't you see that I’m right, that I don't blame you for giving up on me, because all I’ve been is a disgusting person, even at my most well-meaning.

I don't even know why I’m bothering posting this, here. I don't know why I’m posting it. I just think it's time to put words to feelings I couldn't put words to, before now.

I'm not trying to be friendless. But I’m trying to be worthy of friends. So far, I cannot see myself there, yet. So many of you have a real life to live, true futures within your grasps; what the hell are you doing still talking to some middle-aged pathetic loser and wasting your time on the internet that way? There are better places to visit on the internet than any place to do with me, personally.

I get wanting to want to read my bullshit stuff. I'm flattered. But no, you don't need to be my friends, no matter how pathetic or lonely I am. That's my problem, not yours. You are all young, and happy, and have your own hurdles to overcome. I write that stuff to provide an escape for you and for me. That's all that you need to know about me, really.

I'm not saying that you cannot be my friend anymore. I'm not saying you're not allowed to speak to me. I am saying that it might take me time to answer, or to do what you asked of me, etc. I am saying that thanks to my increasing mental illness, I am no longer a good person to be around, at least until the problem is rectified.

I actually don't know what I’m saying, honestly. I don't want to be alone, but I’m tired of bothering people who do. I don't like spending my days alone, but I don't want to harass people with better things to do. I'm tired of being what no one wants and tired of being unwanted once people discover the real me.

I'm a garbage person. I hate myself.

And you deserve not to have that in your life.

That's all.

I'm sorry.

[silvanoir]

where did I come from, where will I go (long post, sorry)

I came here from DeviantArt, after people were reposting and linking my fanart so I figured I might as well join and post myself... I stayed for the DC comics fandom (and later MCU movie fandom) and read and bought a lot of comics because of it.   “Targeted” advertising (or advertising in general) doesn’t work on me, but what does work is people who genuinely enjoy a thing posting photos of the thing and talking about the thing and making recommendations.  “Shipping” does as well... sometimes fan communities even get me into a ship, sometimes I think characters 1 and 2 have chemistry on my own... either way if something has a positive portrayal of a favorite ship, I am all over it.  I was never here for porn so I don’t care about a porn ban (though I do enjoy the occasional but of tasteful erotica  of fictional characters... I may be ace but I like seeing characters in love and enjoying themselves).   I do care about people abandoning this place.

These big companies don’t get that by killing fan communities, they make me buy LESS stuff.

I don’t draw fanart anymore because I’m focusing on original art, but I will still be on DeviantArt 2019 and beyond (as long as that site lasts). 

I was also on LiveJournal and technically still have an account there... but haven’t logged into in years after people started leaving, the communities I was in shut down, and LJ deleted all my photos.  Still have some friends from there who are on here, shoutout to you!

Around the same time I was in yahoo groups but I backed out of them years ago as well.  I was a moderator in some as well as a mod on an oekaki board (online drawing, not sure if these still exist?) and an owner of a webring back before there was social media and everyone made their own website... being a mod was a giant pain in the butt, let me tell ya, and I’d never do it again.

Was on MediaMiner (fanart site) in the early 2000s but left after getting hacked more than once, no idea if it still exists.  I joined DeviantArt with others when it was clear MM was going to [bleep].

I used to be on various furry sites because I liked drawing/designing talking animal-people characters (drew them as a kid long before I ever had access to the internet, must have been the Disney/ Beatrix Potter/ Looney Tunes influence)  but got tired after years of having to explain to people that no, furry doesn’t mean a pervert in a mascot costume, I am not that, some of us are regular folks who like plain old sci-fi/fantasy settings.  It wore me out.  So... bleh.  Didn’t delete my accounts but they are gathering dust.

I was heavy into anime in my teens and 20s but the most of the anime nowadays doesn’t appeal to me, sooooo... (unless it’s continuations of things I liked long ago, then that gets my interest)

I had 2 separate fanfiction_dot_net accounts, neither of which I remember the log in info to and don’t care because I gave up writing fanfic long long ago,  I’d rather just be a reader.

And before that it was various forums on various websites.  Some I don’t even remember the names of, some are from the late 90s/early 2000s and have long since been deleted from the net because the owners didn’t/couldn’t pay server costs, others I don’t remember my login info, or can’t log into because I used an old e-mail that doesn’t exist anymore.  I like discussions in forums but disliked that it was mostly dudes with dude-style interests in media... being in the mostly female-friendly spaces of LJ and Tumblr is so much nicer (despite any drama) than hearing the umpteenth argument over who would win in a race: Superman or The Flash, who would win in a fight: Superman or Goku.... I have never given a single solitary [bleep] about power levels.  I know Reddit has lively fan forums but... too many dudes.  (I’ve read some interesting threads on niche podcasts but its not enough to get me to join).

If I do join another fan community, it will probably be DreamWidth.

There’s no way in hell I’d ever join Facebook or Twitter or any of the sites they own because of the rampant personal data theft.  I prefer being a semi-anonymous hermit!

I will say that I won’t LOSE anything important, other than connections and general enjoyment and not having any NEW things, if Tumblr goes down, because anything I made I have multiple files of saved on an external harddrive (learned my lesson years ago of not only websites dying on me but also whole computers), I also right-click-saved any art and tutorials from other people that I wanted to keep.  I back-up everything at least once every 3 months.   I’m considering buying a fireproof lockbox to put it in like the one I have my important personal documents in (it pays to be paranoid, kids!)