#as we get closer to the final season I experience severe word-vomit

[naruhearts]

So I wrote this during 12x17 Samleen era and—

[[[[SPOILER]]]]]

—NOW THAT IT’S BEEN CONFIRMED EILEEN IS RETURNING FOR S15 I’M YELLING

I’m flabbergasted tbh, because this bodes very well for a positive endgame in which Sam finally gets what he always wanted, implied by both narrative and plot in recent Dabb Era seasons — his own family. A hunter who is the characteristic counterpart to Cas, Dean’s spousal-coded partner...ushering in ‘something with someone who understands the life’. A DOG.

The endgame metathemes of self-actualization are all falling into place. Here we come, Maslow!

(Yes, in S14 Sam/Rowena were an intriguing additional romantic parallel to Dean/Cas storytelling-wise, and the nuts and bolts that support canon Samwena are probably still scattered everywhere; I’m not saying it will happen, but it’s certainly a possibility that I won’t refuse. In light of 14x20, the prophecy between them may be altered in a fundamental way. I’d personally love it if Rowena kicks it in the metaphorical ass once again with her own autonomy. After all, free will is now an open question which, conceptually, challenges itself in the most narratively mindblowing way, and again, the characters we love must re-evaluate everything they thought they knew about their lives and each other; changing the paradigms becomes a ginormous challenge which I do believe the writers shall close out with a death-less Happy Ending for their personal arcs).

*looking for the vid source again* It’s also been confirmed by Singer (or was it Dabb? I haven’t had time to watch all SDCC press room footage) that S15 will have a ROMANTIC ELEMENT.

1. Recall Dabb’s claim that there shall be ‘no new love interests on the show’ pre-S13. As expected, indeed none, and his claim holds.

2. #1 falls directly in line with Sam/Eileen and, most importantly, Dean/Cas.

3. Going off of repeated romantic vs familial juxtapositional gongs in canon, it’s highly likely that we either receive textual M/F at the expense of M/M via ambiguity — a realistic prediction — or both are textualized/canonized (semi-idealist. Hey, the realist in me tries to keep in mind all options, and let me tell you, I do not believe canon/textual Destiel is completely off the table. If anything, Eileen’s return increased my cautious hopes that Dean and Cas may be allowed to achieve their own satisfactory denouement to the love story they’ve cultivated together for TWELVE long years as the mirroring romantic element to Sam/Eileen that S12 effectively consolidated, followed by the infamously pertinent late S12/early S13 Dean/Cas arc shift, and to me, the cyclism of S14 personally hammered home Found Family in conjunction with Love and...Love. Cas’ Empty deal is still narratively viable unless there’s a twist that voids it while introducing an opportunity for Sam, specifically Dean, to find out. I also gotta say that if we fail to get even the slightest acknowledgement, subtext or not/ambiguous or not, that Dean/Cas is a romantic subtextual-sometimes-bordering-textual arc in the cards to live a life together as spouses independent of Sam — which I think their character journeys are absolutely aiming towards — I’ll disappear into the ether; jk)

PR is not showrunning, but 🤷🏾‍♀️ interesting-ness abounds here. So much interesting-ness. I think we’ll have a damn ball scrambling our meta minds with endless speculation :P

Disclaimer: here be spec, not Gospel Truth! I wrote this post in good fun. *throws confetti*

This episode totally showed me that both Sam and Dean are waiting for their dark-haired lovers to come back to them :’)

[12yeahiminluvwu]

Calm

pairing - Rudy Pankow x Little Sister!Reader

summary- Requested by @deathcompass :) “hi! your writing is amazing :) i was wondering if you could write something with drew/rudy where his younger sister has a panic attack and he helps her calm down because she gets them a lot?”

word count- 1.9+ 

warning(s)- panic attack tw, anxiety tw, swearing (maybe? idk), kinda cliche… gives me 2016 wattpad vibes ngl, the ending sucks i’m so sorry! very loosely edited

series masterlist 

masterlist

Disclaimer: I’ve only ever had very mild panic attacks so I’m going to use my own experiences to write this, but I do understand that they can be very severe and I’m not in any way trying to romanticize anything at all. I love you, stay safe <3 

-------------------------

“Hey bug, you ready to come home?” You sighed, realizing that summer was ending and you would be having to go back to Alaska for school. It hadn’t snuck up on you, but some part of you had hoped that you’d get to stay with your brother forever. 

“I guess…” You mumbled back, not wanting to hurt your parents but also not wanting to go back. 

“You’re all set to fly out in a few days, we can’t wait to see you!” Your mom exclaimed. You could hear the excitement in her voice which only broke your heart even more. The familiar feeling began to bubble up in your chest, making it seem like you couldn’t breathe in all the way, like something was taking up space in your lungs preventing you from getting enough oxygen. This hadn’t happened all summer, not since you came to live with Rudy. It had been so long since you felt it, you almost forgot the feeling altogether. 

“Sweetie? You still there?” Your mom’s voice brought you out of your own head and back into the real world, where a few minutes of silence had passed. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m here. I’ll see you soon. Love you guys.” You quickly ended the conversation, wanting to get as far away from your phone as possible, as your mind assimilated it with the panic you were feeling. 

This time, you were able to keep yourself calm.

--

“Baby, do you really have to leave?” Your boyfriend asked, his arms sliding around your waist, leaving goosebumps in their wake. The feeling of his skin on yours always ignited a fire within you, one you didn’t want to put out. You leaving in a few days felt like a storm threatening to wash away the wildfire the two of you had created together. 

“Yeah… I have to go back to school, my brother is gonna be filming season two of his show in Charleston, I’d have no one to stay with…” You mumbled into his chest, soaking in his scent, aching to remember every piece of him. Part of you wanted to believe that a long-distance relationship with him would work but the rest of you knew that it wasn’t fair to either of you. 

“Go to school here, with us! You could stay with me!” One of your best friends chimed in. A spark of hope lit up in your stomach, maybe you could stay. But then, like clockwork, that same feeling from earlier began to slither its way through your body. Your mind raced to all the things you’d be leaving behind, all the friends you had back home that you hadn’t seen in months. 

But as your mind raced and you sat with your new friends, and boyfriend (something you never thought you’d get back home), you realized the people in this room meant more to you than the people back home, who were only still friends with you because they didn’t have anyone else to be friends with. That still didn’t keep the panic at bay, but once again, you were able to keep yourself calm. 

--------------

“Roo, I wanna talk to you about something…” You said, coming into his room that night. 

“What’s up kid?” He asked, watching you sit down next to him on his bed. The way you twiddled your thumbs and chewed on your lips told him you were nervous about something, his mind racing to find out what it could be. The energy in the room shifted, and it was like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. Taking a big gulp, you started trying to verbalize your thoughts, even though it felt like you couldn’t breathe. 

“So… I was thinking- maybe- I… I could stay here with my friends and go to school here. She said she’d- she’d talk to her mom and ask if it was ok. But like, I would- I would need your help talking to mom and dad because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I really- really don;t want to go back home…” You stumbled out, hoping that he would understand what you had just word vomited at him. Slowly, you began to feel the burn of tears coming to your eyes, and desperately you tried to hold them back. 

“You want to stay here? How come?” He asked. He sat up, coaxing you into his arms cause he knows it calms you down. You laid your head on his chest and kept trying to take deep breaths as he stroked your hair. 

“I feel more understood by the people I’ve met here than I do by anyone in that stupid little town…” You whispered, “I’ve gotten closer to them in 3 months than I did to anyone back home in 16 years, Rudy. I have no one... no one real anyway.” 

“So you want to stay here in LA?” He asked again and you nodded. The sound of his voice was distant, sounding miles away. You did your best to focus on your breathing but that focus was quickly slipping away as your breathing became more sporadic and uneven. It was as if something was sitting on your chest, preventing you from getting enough air. 

“I’ll talk to mom and dad and see what they say. Kiddo, I need you to focus on your breathing ok? Focus on taking a deep breath all the way in and breathing all the way out.” He continued to run his fingers through your hair as you gasped in deep breaths and let the tears fall down your face. Slowly, the room started opening back up and even though the tears still ran down your face and your hands shook like an earthquake, it got a little easier to breathe. 

“That’s it, just like that,” He cooed. You sighed at the sound of his voice, remembering when you used to get these all the times before Rudy left home. After he was gone, they picked up even more and your mom and dad just didn’t quite know how to ground you like Rudy did. He was always there to protect you, it was a kick in the gut when he left you. But here he was, calming you down.

-----------------------------

Rudy sat up in the living room, the next morning. You were still asleep, somewhat exhausted from last night's events. The phone rang and he took a deep breath, hoping for nothing more than to be able to get you what you want. 

“Hey Rudy! How have you been?” Your guys’ mom answered and he smiled, hearing the happiness in her voice. 

“Hey mom, is dad around?” He asked and heard shuffling on the other end. Suddenly his dad's voice sounded from the line and they got a little lost in simple conversation. Rudy then remembered exactly why he called them and got down to business. 

“So I wanna talk to you about Y/n…” He trailed off and your parents went a little quiet. He started to feel the sweat gather on his palms and gulped down the nervous lump in his throat, noticing the shift of energy in the call. 

“Is she ok? Did something happen to her?” Your dad spewed out, worried that something might have happened to his little girl, but he shook his head before remembering they couldn’t see him. 

“No no no she’s fine, but I know you guys are gonna be a little skeptical about what I’m going to tell you,” He sighed before continuing on, “ She wants to stay here for the school year…” 

The line went quiet. He could tell his parents were shocked, the fact that their daughter didn’t want to come home was a lot to process and they had no idea what the reasoning behind it was. 

“What do you mean? She doesn’t want to come home?” The woman gasped, feeling tears well up in her eyes.

“She’s ade some really awesome friends, people she’s closer to than anyone she is with at home. She’s already lined up a place to stay while I’m shooting. I think you’d really like them actually. It’s one of her best friends and her mom, they’re really nice! I think you guys should change Y/n’s ticket so that you guys can come down here…” He rushed out, hoping they understood him, but he was met with silence once again. 

“Uhm… We’re not making any promises, but we’ll come down there so we can talk about this as a family…” His dad said and he nodded with a smile, agreeing. 

----------------------

You woke up feeling the events from last night lingering in your shoulders and neck. 

It was a familiar ache that only ever happened after an attack, a muscle tightness that made it feel as though you’d been sleeping on concrete for the past week. Doing your best to roll out the soreness, you walked into the kitchen to see Rudy with a look on his face that you couldn’t read. 

“So… I talked to mom and dad, and they’re gonna come here so we can talk about you staying!” He smiled and you felt like a little bit of the weight you’d been feeling lifted. 

“When are they coming?” 

“They’ll be here tomorrow,” He said, coming over and hugging me tightly, “We’ll get you where you need to be kid, promise!” 

----------------------

The tension in the room was thick enough to cut with a knife. Your parents sat across from you and your brother, silently. You could tell they were deep in thought, but it didn’t help the shaking that began to take over your hands. 

All you wanted was for them to understand. They weren’t always great at that… 

“Mom, are you gonna say anything?” You finally asked, wincing when she let out a sign.

“Y/n, I just don’t like the idea of you living with someone you just met three months ago....” She said finally and your dad nodded along with her. 

“You don’t understand though. I’m closer to them than I am to anybody back home! I know her and I know that she cares about me, her mom cares about me! When I wasn’t here, I was there. I’m practically already a part of the family! She’s had me and Rudy over for dinner so many times I lost count. She’s hosted dinner parties for the cast because she wants to get to know the people close to Rudy and I because she cares! She’s like a second mom to me. And I love you guys, I really do. But I’m just not happy at home! It doesn’t feel like home anymore. This… This feels like home.” You stood up, pacing back and forth, your voice gradually raising to try and hold in the tears that threatened to fall. 

“Baby…” 

“Momma…” You whispered pleadingly, looking her in the eyes for the first time since she’d arrived and finally letting the tears fall. Rudy was next to you in seconds, pulling you into his arms, doing his best to keep you grounded so you didn’t fall off the edge.

The silence was filled by your sniffles and Rudy’s whispers into your ear. Your parents looked at each other with a knowing look in their eyes. It was obvious that they were not your home anymore, and no matter how much it broke their hearts they knew they had to let you go.

“Y/n, honey, we want to meet the family first, but we think you should stay. We want you to be happy bug, and if this is where you’re happy, then this is where you should be!” Your mom finally said, coming over and wrapping you and your brother in a tight hug. Your dad followed in suit and soon enough you started to feel yourself calm down.

[chappela]

Quarter Life Crisis

Pairings: Friendship only!! Hanna x Eadlyn (MC)

Rating/Warnings: G. Like super stupid G haha! And no real warnings...maybe some language?

Words: 1182

Disclaimer: I do not own Hanna or Maxwell or really anything to do with TRR or Choices. I will take ownership of dear sweet Eadlyn, my MC.

A/N: This fic is something I’ve been meaning to write for a very long time. It has been brewing within me for years. A few years back I went through a self proclaimed ‘quarter life crisis’. To be perfectly honest I am still dealing with a lot of the things that came about back then. It may seem silly to some but as adults we all know we can’t possibly ever have life figured out. Whether we are 25, 40, 50 or beyond, we all struggle. I struggled, and am still struggling with feelings of jealousy, confusion, the thought of disappointing those who mean the most to me, as well as myself. I made a pact to myself back then that I would attempt to be a bit more selfish and begin going down a path paved for me and by me. I am a people pleaser, I hate disappointing those around me even if it means putting myself last. This is not healthy, and this is what I have come to realize.

When I found choices and read TRR I immediately knew Hanna would be the character vessel to help me let this all out.

It has taken me some time to finally get it together and write this, and honestly its really just a personal therapeutic word vomit. There is no romance in this fic, and I understand that most prolly won’t give this fic a second glance. I realize this may not be everyone’s shot of tequila, and thats ok. If you find the will to power through, then thank you, but please know I take no offense if you don’t. I hope this story resonates with some of you out there, and if any of you are ever in a weird place please know I am always here to listen. 😘😁❤️

Also my tag list is basically only the few people who have asked after my last fic to be tagged for any future writing I do...not super sure if this is any of your styles.

Hanna was conflicted. Confused about a lot of things. Worried about most everything. Overall frustrated with what she hadn’t done with the past 25 years of her life. 

 She cursed Maxwell. Why did he have to bring up the catch phrase ‘quarter life crises’? It was too damn accurate a description for her current emotional state.

She envisioned herself at 8 years old. She had imagined her life as being so different than what it was currently. Then again she had wanted to be an astronaut back then, which she knew was out of reach after she failed her very first physics exam.

She never envisioned the life of a noble. The life her parents expected of her. Yes expected not hoped for, but actively betrothed her too. How was it possible that with all of their demands and larger than life expectations she was still somehow, single, farther from any throne or title, and on the verge of a complete breakdown. She had never had a job or experienced a frat party. Sure she could play the piano like Beethoven himself, and was fluent in several languages, but at 25 what did that all really get her?

She wished she could have gone abroad for personal matters not court dealings. She longed to experience the nitty gritty that life had to offer. She wished she could be more like Eadlyn. There she thought it! The green eyed monster suddenly took hold. She was jealous of her best and closest friend at court. Shit, in the whole damn world!

How could she be jealous...it made no sense. Eadlyn was amazing. She was perfect. She was both the pageant show winner as well as miss congeniality. It was hard for Hanna to admit that every now and then she wanted her friend to fail, just at something, anything just to prove she was human.

How awful can one be that they wish for the failure of someone they love?

Then again this was certainly nothing new for her. Any and all friendships she ever partook in were arranged by her parents, the social season, or just the damn demands of nobility. This meant friendship and competition seemed to always be fused together. Her friends were always her competition in every way. Ulterior motives were like friendship bracelets seared on the wrist.

Her jealousy made sense. It wasn’t romantic in any way, just pure frustration. Eadlyn simply appeared one day in the world Hanna had always been a part of. The new kid on the block moved in and immediately made the biggest splash. It just wasn’t fair...right?

Eadlyn made friends literally everywhere she went. She was beautiful, kind, grounded, humble, helpful, only intimidating in the sense that she was so popular. The second one opened up to her though, it became clear she was as intimidating as a cotton ball.

Hanna let out a heavy sigh. What was she doing? How could she be so vindictive towards someone who had always been there for her? There was truly no reason for her to feel this way. She was angry at someone because they were too good of a friend?!

She thought on the subject a bit harder. Was it truly Eadlyn she was jealous of or maybe it was the other people in Eadlyn’s world. The more she pondered this the more she agreed that this was what she truly held issue with. Eadlyn had other people in her circle who she was closer with. There were friends back in America surely whom she had known for years. Even people here in Cordonia that must mean more to her then Hanna. She had only been in Eadlyn’s life for a year and a half at most, and a good part of that she was supposedly competition. At that she let out an aggravated snort. As if Hanna had ever truly been competition. As if she was even in Eadlyn’s inner most circle today...

What was she doing to herself? What was she doing to her relationship with Eadlyn? How could she think this way?

She hated herself for thinking like this. Eadlyn loved her and she loved Eadlyn. They were friends, best friends she reminded herself. And maybe that sentiment applied more towards her than Eadlyn but in her mind the feeling was hopefully mutual. Friendship meant lifting each other up not tearing each other down. She needed to support her friend unconditionally not root for failure.

She internally apologized to Eadlyn as she slayed her green eyed monster. She needed to move forward by confessing this internal struggle of hers to Eadlyn. She knew she needed to clear the air and she knew Eadlyn would understand. That’s just the kind of friend she was. And that was exactly the type of friend Hanna was always in desperate need of growing up.

Who could have ever suspected she would have found her in an optimistic, sassy, American? There was suddenly a knock on her door. Hanna reached for the handle opening the large oak door to reveal the one and only Eadlyn White.

“Ready for the greatest sleepover evvvverrrr?!!!” Eadlyn sang the last word letting her jovial voice float through the room.

Hanna could only smile as she took in Eadlyn clad in a ridiculous plaid onesie. Rom-coms in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other.

Hanna just shook her head and stepped to the side to allow her friend access to her bedroom.

“You better believe I am!” She retorted in what she hoped was an equally sing-songy tone.

“Before we begin though there was a confession I wanted to make to you that has kind of been weighing on me lately.” Hanna became nervous, wringing her hands together. Eadlyn turned to her suddenly much more serious than a moment before.

“Is everything ok, hun?” She inquired stepping towards Hanna, concern etched across her face.

“Yeah I just had some unsavory feelings I have been meaning to express to you for a while now...” Hanna paused and took a cleansing breath before opening her eyes to continue. “Why don’t we crack open that bottle and have a roaring round of Hanna tells all?”

“Sounds like a plan Chica!” Eadlyn replied as she opened the bottle and offered it to Hanna to take the first swig. “First sip is always the best”, she smiled as Hanna accepted the bottle and took a long pull from it.

The night progressed with more confessions, stories, secrets and tequila then either girl could have ever anticipated. In the end Hanna had nothing to worry about. Eadlyn made sure of that. She and Hanna had one of the greatest sleepover/therapy sessions any girl could ever dream of.

It was that night that Hanna learned the most important relationship lesson of all...

The key to success in any situation is communication. And from that day forward Hanna never held in her true feelings towards those she cared about. Thanks to her quarter-life crisis, a good friend, and a bottle of tequila.

Tag List?: @burnsoslow​​ @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore​ @emceesynonymroll​​ @loveellamae​​

[borisbubbles]

SURVIVOR: GAME CHANGERS Review

I only saw “Worlds Apart” again as a prelude to the latest season, which I hadn’t seen just yet. Keeping in the theme of self-parody, or so it would seem, this latest season was called “Game Changers” and reinforced its titular promise by... casting a bunch of randoms and like... seven legendary players? My personal pet theory the season was meant as a fanwank dedicated to the AWFUL (um, spoiler) Ciera “BIG MOVES!!” Eastin but then she was booted first, WHOOPS!!!!

I only saw “Worlds Apart” again as a prelude to the latest season, which I hadn’t seen just yet. Keeping in the theme of self-parody, or so it would seem, this latest season was called “Game Changers” and reinforced its titular promise by... casting a bunch of randoms and like... seven actually legendary players? My personal pet theory the season was meant as a fanwank dedicated to the AWFUL (um, spoiler) Ciera “BIG MOVES!!” Eastin but then she was booted first, WHOOPS!!!!

“Game Changers” turned out perfectly average in the end. As one might expect from a season with that name, it focused on The Game a ton, which... meh. The game of Survivor is a combo of social dynamics + basic arithmetic;  no guarantee for entertainment in itself, but a solid frame in which a good cast can shine if allowed to do so. As a subject to model a season of reality television around though... eh, no fanks. The Max Dawsons of the world love hearing about OPTIONS and hypothetical scenarios and blindsides, but not I. 

By investing heavily in The Game, I feel production dropped the ball here: The Game basically always pans out the same way, no matter how many gimmicky twists you throw into the mix. Speaking of which, omg the twists were ridiculous, are you KIDDING me??? The default elimination of Cirie Fields, one of the savviest players to every play Survivor, because she was the only person at tribal council to not possess a grossly overpowered advantage and had relied soley on her own cunning, is definitely a low point in the whole FRANCHISE.

So let me state the obvious truth the producers seem to have forgotten: 

It’s the PEOPLE in that game which elevate it because they are differing factor between seasons. Ergo, what makes them tick should ALWAYS be the main focus. Despite a SHOCKING lack of personable moments (there’s transgate and advantagegeddon but both were awful) personalities did -miraculously- manage to shine and made Game Changers... what’s the opposite of “boring”? Not boring? Acceptable? Cromulent? idk. I consider GC being decent dumb luck for the most part. Still, in a world in which once good shows such as Survivor drift ever closer to Openly Bad Television, we should count our blessings when they come. 

~CAST RANKING~

1. Sandra Diaz-Twine Mana Tribe 15th place

THE QUEEN OF SURVIVOR <3 Explaining Sandra with mere words always sells her short. If you know her, you KNOW why she’s #1. If you don’t, well... acquaint yourself

Sassy latina matron whose entire personality can be summed up by “I don’t give a shit. fuck you, adios” <3 Sandra is just INTENSLY charismatic and personable and even mundane shit, like instructing her minions on who to vote out is funny: "so this is the person i think we should send home and imma tell you why: SIERRA. DAWN. THOMAS.. :)”. <3

I’m secretly grateful she was voted off early though because it meant she was spared the editorial dettol and we finally got to see her unplugged. <3 Foolish men would gun for her all the time, only for her to effortlessly turn the tables on them every single time. It’s weird that despite her legacy, people STILL underestimated her. Of course, this all led to her being despised by the goldfish memory’d fraus. “WHO IS THIS “QUEEN” CAN SHE GO I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHO SHE IS” the only person to win Survivor *TWICE*, that’s who! THE QUEEN STAYS QUEEN. 

2. Michaela Bradshaw Mana 7th place

All that Sandra worship, aside, I ALMOST ranked Michaela above her. She -too- is one of my all-time favourite players. Like Sandra, Michaela’s awesomeness is difficult to capture in script; imagine if the entire “Candor” faction from the Divergent universe was distilled into one human being; that’s the Michaela Bradshaw experience in a nutshell.

Great Michaela moments include: 

(1) “TELL MALCOLM YA SEND HIM HOME TOO” (2) “SLIDE TO THE SIDE, SLIDE TO THE SIDE”

(3) Desperately trying and -failing- to control her attitudeface

(4) Stress eating at tribal council, accompanied by the usual attitudefaces:

(5) her strategy to keep Culpepper Culpepper from looking for the HII: michaela: “yo brad, go fish” culpepper: “what do you mean “go fish” is that some sort of metaphor?” michaela: “no... it's a suggestion. go fishing, like go fish. it’s low tide.” culpepper: “..........” michaela: “and bring back fish. at low tide.” culpepper: “............” michaela: “...............................” culpepper: “....................” michaela: “GO FISH!!!! >__<”

On most seasons a Sassy Black Girl With Attitude would be an OTT charicature. On Survivor Game Changers however, she was the ONLY contestant who felt like... a real, complex person, with trivial yet relatable struggles (coping with a resting bitchface, putting too much sugar in your coffee, you know, the sort of little things we all know we shouldn’t do but still do anyway). Survivor as a show doesn’t really do such characters anymore, instead focusing on charicaturizing the people with bigger personalities, and sanitizing the rest. It was great to have a character which broke this tendency, even if it were through sheer happenstance.   

3. Andrea Boehke Nuku tribe 8th place

Pet theory: Andrea was secretly delighted that Zeke turned on her, so she could gun for an obvious jury threat WITHOUT looking like an asshole <3

Seriously, Survivor is known for its comically vitriolic feuds (Sandra vs Jon, Marty vs Jane, Judd vs Margaret, Mike vs Rodney, etc) but especially this one? Andrea was SOOO visceral and bitter in that feud and destroyed him in confessionals (”TERRIBLE GAME MOVE. YOU SUCK AT THIS GAME. I HOPE I SEE YOU NEVER.” is a top 5 voting confesh), shaded him to his face (”PEOPLE AREN’T HUMAN CHESS PIECES”) and then actually got him booted lmao <3 She REALLY hated Zeke for feeling threatened by her stardom (lmfao, okay Andrea LaGrossa) and *I* too really hated Zeke, so it worked for me! 

Andrea is a blatant famewhore, but of the best sort: the one who isn’t fully aware of her own compulsiveness to make moves, not for the sake of her game, but for the sake of her own entertainment. Fortunately for us, she has a pretty good grasp on what “entertaining” involves. <3

After getting Zeke booted, Andrea targeted her friend FirstOfficerSarah, claiming she had never liked her rofl she’s too much, stawwwp.

4. Cirie Fields Nuku 6th place

Cirie’s time on this show was a perfect blend of all her previous arcs: overcoming the physical obstructions of being a self-confessed “couch potato” competing on a Survival show, competent yet interesting strategic ploys, getting screwed over by shitty production twists... wait wut????

I loved her fleshed-out relationships with other contestants. In particular: the Ozzy/Cirie paranoia of “will the other gun for me after what happened eight years ago.... hmm... i don’t think so BUT i’ll gun for them anyway :)”, only for Cirie to be blindsided when Ozzy was booted; her Good Cop/Bad Cop routine with Andrea, her insistence to ALWAYS refer to Sarah as “FirstOfficerSarah” and her secret mentorhood of Michaela. Like Michaela, Cirie’s deep relationships with everyone fleshed her out like a real person, despite several instances of gamebothood. 

I suppose now is the time I address her outrageous exit?

So, Advantagegeddon. Cirie getting default-elim’ed because she didn’t have a Ridiculous, Overpowered Rigged Advantage up her sleeve is absoutely fucking BULLSHIT no matter how you slice it. I have no doubts production was hoping something like this would happen at the Final six, just not to Cirie lol, WHOOPS. It totally backfired and will hurt the franchise, mark my words. Survivor is a social game first and a strategic game second and this meritocratic TREASURE HUNT it’s turning into undercuts its basic mechanics. For it to claim the one person commonly regarded as the best player to never win was just... the worst possible outcome? (or best, if it leads to the number of advantages getting culled in future seasons but i’m not getting my hopes up.)

But there’s always the returnee ouroboros to fall back on. Her and JaredGOD (

) for BVW3 plz.

5. Tai Trang Nuku 4th place

On paper, I shouldn’t care too much about Tai: an idol-finding gremlin who streaks and says weird things and talks about the game a lot... MEH

In practice, holy shit he owns. Sinewy, sixty-year old challenge beast gaysian <3 Tai had the best idol-related storylines in the franchise and his idoling of Malcolm was for sure epic. He instigated Advantageggeddon and as much as the moment itself sucked, the back-and-forth paranoia between him and Cirie leading up to it was great. He talked about The Game a lot, in a mr Hyunh-like voice (lolracist), only to succumb to language barrier-induced confusion and panic. His flakiness also inadvertently destroyed whatever remained Culpepper’s social game, lmfao <3 Mess with Taingel and get electrocuted by the halo!!!

Tai’s non-game related content was pretty great as well. Not everyone can pull of stuff such as “loving chickens” and “streaking” but he did, effortlessly and naturally. Tai setting the chickens loose, only for them to shit all over Cirie <3 Streaking  at the one reward because “MY BOYFRIEND AND I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT GETTING NAKED IN ARKENSAS”. <3 It was fun. I shouldn’t counterpoint this with not-fun instances such as  fake-drunk Debbie (X_X) mooning him at the merge feast, but our collective Dillip ptsd must all bear witness. 

IMMA VOMIT -- Malcolm, Tai, all of us. 

6. Sierra Dawn Thomas Nuku 9th place

Alol I can’t even type out her name without being reminded of how Sandra pronounces it. SYEAH-RAW. DAWWWWWN. TAW-MAS.

I kind of LOVE Sierra and I’m not sure if I can explain it properly. She just... really clicks with me? She’s a fun overdog, a scrappy underdog and a comitted townsperson, which means she’s good in pretty much every situation she’s in. As in World’s Apart, she is a disarmingly normal and relatable person among a cast of crazed goons. In Game Changers, this of course meant production had no clue what to do with her, so they made her a non-entity... except lolwhoops they didn’t because she kept tumbling into relevancy time and time over <3 

After the highest heights of the Double Tribe Tribal (the Kiss may actually be my famo of the season, in fact?

), Sierra hunkered down and wrapped Culpepper around her finger and somehow became the New Sheriff In Town around the merged tribe. An UTR floater from a hated season who was a replacement for Natalie Anderson calling the shots on a season dubbed “Game Changers” <3 I love how this universe functions, sometimes.

7. Troy “Troyzan” Robertson Mana 3rd place

um, i know right? I was TERRIFIED of  Troy “Troyhard” Robertson going into the season. I was SURE his getting owned by an alliance of women would have fed his macho ego and turned him full misogynist in addition to his Wacky Self-Serving Memebase Existence. Instead the Kim ptsd emasculated him and drove him into Queen Sandra’s arms, lol <3

Troy was barely on this show, but bear with me. I’ll take a non-entity with a fun and funny edit (everyone CONSTANTLY coddling him like he was a danger to himself AND others <3) over a potential chauvinist pig. Especially when said non-entity was the ONLY male on the original Mana tribe to cockblock Tony’s all-male, anti-Sandra alliance <3 Early Game Changers truly was Sandra’s Island, y’all.

lmao @ his FTC arguments tho

troy: i wasn’t surprused i made it to the end, because i played a really good game² ^__^ jury: ²[citation needed] troy: uhh i suppose i didn’t, whoops, my bad. *deletes his mental wikia page*

8. Hali Ford Mana 13th place

¯\_(ツ)_/¯  <-- Hali’s entire existence on this season.

You can preeeeetty much c/p my World’s Apart write-up for Hali here. She was once again an endearingly weird random, nuanced slightly differently? She didn’t spend her time fetishing over the constitution or regaling what her fourth and fourtheenth favourite things in life are, but in the neverending game of musical thrones which was Game Changers she was a random townsperson who loathed Brad Culpepper (and Culpepper loathed her too?), which worked me too, I guess.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hali: “please take culpepper out. i beg you -_-” sandra: “k gurl” jt: “nope” sandra: “...hali?” hali: “u do u, guys ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ”

and then was targeted over residu floaterhood and became collateral damage in Sierra and Culpepper’s Plan To Oust Michaela. Sadly, Michaela and Cirie had already bonded, dooming Hali, who proved too peripheral to be worthy of saving. Oh well, it could’ve been worse (I.E.: Michaela going), I guess.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

9. Malcolm Freberg Mana 17th place

Much like how Sandra going early caused her to shown at the full extent of her sass and pizzazz, so does Malcolm benefit from being booted pre-merge. This was easily his most intrinsically likable appearance; *shockingly* without the otherwise omnipresent Golden Boy Edit blinding us... I wonder whether there’s any correlation???

But yeah Malcolm “at his best” to me is him as an analytic narrator/hapless follower and he provided that. He was the ONLY person to openly gun for Sandra while simultaneously understanding why she’s dangerous (ie: not being like “Sandra won TWICE... that must mean something... right??”): that she just doesn’t give a FUCK about anything but her own survival when push comes to shove <3

But we’re mostly here because of Malcolm’s reaction to being idoled out. You know, taking your exit with grace is one thing, but Malcolm is hilariously bad at losing with dignity and thank goodness he is. His reaction to losing the IC in Philippines after fumbling his rigged advantage is my fave non-Abi, non-COOKIES?? moment of that season, ngl. If defeat was a picture, it would look like this:

FWD to this season: "IMMA VOMIT!!!" & “JT IS NOT GETTING A CHRISTMAS CARD, KID COULDN’T KEEP HIS STUPID MOUTH SHUT *supernovas during final words*" hysterical.

10. Sarah Lacina Nuku Sole Survivor

For someone who is fundamentally boring, FirstOfficerSarah had several good moments. I mean, her “last time, I played like a cop, this time I play like a *CRIMINAL*” was the superobvious impetus to kick the Generic Winner Arc into motion, so I happily zoned out of most of the Sarah content... only to be pulled in by a random, unexpected fun moment at the turn of a dime???

“MOST PEOPLE CAN’T TELL WHETHER THE LICENSE PLATE THEY’RE DRIVING WITH IS OUT OF DATE ON SIGHT... *raises hand* I CAN ^__^” A+ Coach refs <3. 

Other things I enjoyed: the way she handled her Vote Steal Advantage (this game had too. many. fucking. advantages.), pawing it off to Cirie, only to be like “welllll actually it’s non-transferable, it says so at the bottom, ... so... can you give it back now? I plan on using it tonight :)” holy crap stone cold.  <3 And the breakdowns. The breakdown DURING Transgate, interrogating Varnercunt about his vile behaviour while calling out all the inconsistencies in his story <3 her breakdown AFTER Transgate, concluding Zeke Smith is the best (only) transgender she ever met in her life <3 Her breakdown AT the family visit upon seeing her.. idk... hubby? boyfriend? whatever Wayne is <3

In conclusion, Congratulations, Sarah, you were an acceptable Boring Gamebot Winner!! That being said, the memory of her becomes ever more distant, akin to a tumbleweed rolling downwind in the desert...

11. Tony Vlahos Mana 19th Place

BAI TONY!!! :) SAY HI TO CIERA FOR ME!!! :) The knowledge that Tony didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell in going far made him far easier to stomach this go around. This was of course aided by his own obnoxious machinations; for ex: Upon landing at Mana beach he immediately (immediately.) brayed “IMMA LOOK FOR THE IDOL, SEE YA!!!! LOLOLOLO” and darted in to the jungle. <3 Psychotic, bellowing monsterbeasts are so much better when everyone’s in on the joke. Sadly, Tony then OF COURSE had to show is ass by turning on Queen Sandra *sigh*. Oh well, at least we know who won that battle. It also had the added bonus of making TROY situationally funny: Troy catching him in the act of digging out his “Spy Bunker” and making Tony explain why he’s all frantic and covered in dust and debris. <3 and when Tony tried rallying all of the men against Sandra, Troy REFUSED because he was already tucked under her sassy wing. WILL THE SANDRA OWNAGE EVER END???? 

12. Aubry Bracco Mana 5th place

I really like Aubry as a human!!! kick-ass aspergers princess <3 but she was barely on this show when you reflect on it. She had a token confessional every ep to narrate the strategic events to which she was tangentially related. Not bad, but in terms of personal development it’s nothing.

Her epic anxious aspie self eventually DID emerge at the F7 round buuuuut too little to late. It felt like a hollow non-sequitur to me. “LOOK AT AUBRY BEING AUBRY. :) SEE? :) SAME OLD AUBRY :) NOW THAT’S SETTLED, LET’S GET ON WITH ~THE GAME~ FOREVERMORE” cool storytelling, braz. I also did NOT enjoy the valedictorian Aubry/Probst one-two-punch at the end of every tribal council, trying to pimp ~The Game~ as if it were anything more than baseborn arithmetic. “WOW Aubry :o This Tribal Council has really been GAME CHANGING hasn’t it” “Mhm Jeff, I wonder how much the GAME will CHANGE after the vote :)” x at least half a dozen times, are you f’king kidding me.

13. Brad Culpepper Nuku Runner-Up

Culpepper was perfectly adequate this season. His time amounted to a whole bunch of whitemediocre strategy noises and superawkward sociodynamics that were honestly too awkward to appreciate. Luckily those inherently Not Good qualities were transmuted through the Monica megaphone making them Not Bad :) 

It is enough to colour Brad a very pale chartreuse once put through the red/yellow/green feelings-as-colours prism. He had a handful of quirks (Brad the Interior Decorator <3 “What do you mean, GO FISH??? O_O” <3 Being the Matt von Ertfelda to Troy’s Butch Locksley <3 (wait does that make Sierra the Cesternino? discuss.)) and a few Not Good Moments (browbeating Tai, Michaelousy) 

In the end, it all balances out to neutrality. Brad’s story was a reiteration of his spouse’s, nobody does Monica better but Monica. Not Brad, Monica.

lol I thought I’d have more to say about Brad, but I don’t. Sorry boo. 

14. Caleb Bankston Mana 18th place

Caleb was on this season? Like, not even POKING at his being cast as a “Game Changer”, which is pretty suspect in itself, it actually felt like he wasn’t on S34 at all?

lol what did he even do? umm, he pecked Tai on the cheek once, which... isn’t it precious when douchebro’s try to enforce their bromoerotic routine with an actually gay person, but that’s not how it functions. Bromosexuality with a homosexual is just homosexuality, Caleb, I’m so sorry to tell you [/karajanx]. He also had immediately bonded with his other “bro” Tony (... Brony?) and therefore became a semi-sentient anti-Sandra voice. Still voted Tony off anyway tho lol. 

And then he was swapfucked and used as a human sacrifice to grant Hali Ford just enough good fortune hoodoo to stumble into the merge. Which... is the best outcome I could’ve hoped for. If Hali doesn’t make the merge, Michaela gets voted off at the F13, robbing us of her Cirielliance and “GO FISH”, making this season way worse. So gratz for being the meatshield for another meatshield, I guess!

15. Oscar “Ozzy” Lusth Nuku 12th place

Ozzy was... IMMENSELY boring this time around, yep i’ve said it, dwi. Ozzy’s personality is notable for its basic smugness (</3) and delusional self-entitlement (<3) but neither side showed itself, so why should I bother with whatever bland husk was left behind?

Seriously though, Ozzy solely existed as the physical gestalt of the long-haired, athletic, situationally relevant (citation needed on the last one though) white male who catches fish. Apparently that’s all it takes to be the OVERWHELMING fan favourite (um until Transgate oops) with the fraudience. Jesus fucking Christ, I’ll never understand.

That said, I did enjoy his aforementionned dynamic with Cirie. (“she targets me... she targets me not *picks the petals off an imaginary forget-me-not*”) only to stumble into her side at the merge through their shared Andrealliance. A pity this potentially interesting relationship was whisked out of the spotlight like HvV Colberri was in favour of more STRATEGY TALK. Obladi, Oblada, life goes on~

16. Ciera Eastin Mana 20th place

Ciera is often cited as one of Survivor’s biggest game-changers because she VOTED OUT HER MOM... in a unanimous vote.... that was orchestrated by the opposing alliance for splitting up the last remaining family pair in the game... in which she had no say whatsoever, so she just jumped on the bandwagon. SUCH A “GAME CHANGER”!!!

Since then, Ciera has been retconned as ~The Brains Behind That Operation~ and spends her time haranguing others about MAKING BIG MOOOOOVES like she once "made”. *BARF*

As expected, she *immediately* started off her usual spiel by badgering her tribe mates on day two about BIG MOOOOVES. I don’t even remember whom she targeted. I think Tony and Sandra? Wait, the fact that everyone else was already targeting Tony and Sandra at that point proves that it was :) . It is fortunate she did though because it reminded everyone what an annoying brat Ciera Eastin truly is and nixed her at the first opportunity <3

17. James “JT” Thomas Nuku 16th place

As sure as day follows night, so sure can we be James Thomas Jr. is going to overthink a situation and clown himself if Stephen Fishbach isn’t there to hold him by the hand.

Credit where it’s due, JT instigated one of the best tribal councils ever. JT assuming that Culpepper would vote off Sandra based on sweet nothings and then informing him he was voting Sierra so they could idol Sandra out was “Cersei Reinstitutes the Faith Millitant” levels of accidental self-destruction. It created the pandemonic hellscape we all know and love: The Mana’s dancing on the ashes whilst Sierra bestows the Kiss of Death upon a devastated (understatement) Malcolm; Hali and Aubry’s jaws almost literally dropping to the ground, and JT and Sandra both coming close to tears as both of their plans went hilariously awry. It was EPIC and JT put that in motion.

That said, I find him sooooo smug and Michaelous that I just can’t help but dislike his pillsbury doughboy existence. Like, who cares if Michaela eats too much sugar, you just GOT YOUR ONLY ALLY BOOTED, sit back and eat a slice  humble pie. Luckily Sandra was there to mess with his g-ddamn’ mind, eat the sugar, make him feel safe and then mercilessly slitted his throat while he had an idol in his [proverbial because he didn’t even bring it to TC with him lolol] pocket. And people still wonder why Sandra is the best.

18. Ezekiel “Zeke” Smith Nuku 10th place

Ugh, Zeke.

Now, I understand that Zeke is notionally interesting and even likable as a “transmale who is more than just his gender”, but my first instincts were always to be wary of him. it wasn‘t until Andrea articulated her own reasons for disliking Zeke (um, the non-self-serving one), that I understood why I had disliked him myself.

As a transmale, Zeke wishes to prove he’s more than his transgender status, a plight I sympathize with. However, in doing so, Zeke inadvertantly ruins the seasons he’s on. 

(1) his in-game  personality is really barren and insipid. because Zeke avoided talking about himself or his past beyond what is skin deep, he really only talks about ~The Game~ and *snore*. Who on earth is Zeke Smith? I saw two back-to-back seasons of him and I have no bloody clue. This creates the paradox of Zeke’s transgender status being his most notable trait, by sheer force of being the ONLY ~personal~ thing we learned about him. By ignoring it, Zeke is pretty much no different from like... every other droning gamebot this show has produced.

(2) he actively goes after good people. Zeke’s way of getting the confirmation he craves so desperately is to establish himself as a Big Character/Great Player on a reality tv show. I do believe he’s self-aware enough to realize he doesn’t have the panache of a Sandra or a Cirie or even an Andrea but not self-aware enough to realize/accept he’s too bland to ever fill the rifts left in the space vacuum by their potential exits. In Zeke’s mind’s eye, he WANTS to be a Sandra. Ergo, he constantly targets people (mostly women or beta males) who are superior to him in both intellect and personality... I surely can’t be the only one detecting a Girl-Hating Girl vibe from this sort of playstyle, right???

As for transgate, eh. Definitely a memorable moment and one where I sided with Zeke, but it was epic because of others: Andrea breaking down and sobbing, complete with crodocile tears, Tai SCREAMING hard truths in broken English at a backpedaling Jeff Varner, Sarah pointing out inconsistencies and hypocrisies and being SHELL SHOCKED by her first sentent experiences with a transgender person. Zeke himself though, just stared and sat there doe-eyed, taking a moment to ponder philosophically about his ~metamorphosis~. On a human level the correct way to go about the sitch, on an enterainment level valium incarnate .

Ultimately, Zeke is TOO BORING to truly dislike even, and that’s precisely why I do and must? He’s clearly not made for reality television, he’s too earnest and reserved for a game he doesn’t even play well. Idk, Zeke, you’ll have to do something else for a living. Now, I heard there’s a job vacancy for an LGBT  councillor in North Carolina...

19. Debbie Wanner Nuku 11th place

When it comes down to “Putting Up A Character”, only two things can happen. Either you’re hilarious or horrific. This season Debbie pole-vaulted from the Coach/JFP side of the spectrum over to Corinneville and never looked back.

I refuse to recount any of her many insidious attempts at camera-muggery; they all boiled down to the same tired rhetoric of “AHA! I KNOW NOW MUCH YOU LOVE DELUDED OLD DEBBIE!! WATCH ME SAY SOMETHING DELUSIONAL OR DO SOMETHING CRAZY!!! PLEASE POINT AND LAFF. HA HA HA. I’M SO FUNNEH :)” bitch that shit only works when you DON’T fling it in our faces 24/sevs. I wouldn’t mind if she had any wits or originality about her, but nope, she’s just an arsehole. :)

People claim "Game Changers” ruined her, but, to paraphrase my Bio lecturer after I flunked my internship last year, ultimately it was Debbie who ruined herself, so~

lol this was prolly the shortest write-up of them all too. What an epic character.

20. Jeff Varner Mana 14th place

Ho, boy, it’s time to discuss Transgate, isn’t it? -___- I’m not even going to pretend like Jeff Varner’s presence of this season had any other bearing. Neither am I going to dissertate “Should’ve Known Better” scenarios because Varner - working as he did at an LGBT organization based in NorCar - definitely knew better. 

 Fortunately, none of his tribemates were having any of it. I can’t recap this entry any better than having them do all the work for me. Roll that tape: Varner: “What I’m showing is a Deception-” [nb: um weren’t you a pretend bisexual at the time of S2??] Debbie: "That isn’t a deception in a strategic game, I don’t think so :-/” Varner: “Jeff; I argue for the rights of transgender people on a daily basis in the State of North Carolina. I’m just fighting for my life here. I’m not outing him” Tai: “BUT YOU *ARE* OUTING HIM!!!! YOU JUST OUTED HIM!!!” Varner: “I don’t want people to have this perception I am some evil and horrible person” Andrea: “So... what *was* your goal in doing that, then?” Probst: “so, Jeff, you just equated “keeping your identity hidden” to a full-blown deception... isn’t that a giant leap? Don’t you see that’s kind of really bad?” Varner: “Oh I do see that, I feel bad about it. I support ya, Zeke~” Probst: “Dude, you can’t unring the bell-” Varner: “Imnotunringingthebellimapologizingtozeke” Ozzy: “You should be ASHAMED of yourself :-/ You’re playing with people’s lives at this point.” Varner: “I made a horrible mistake. I really thought he was out and loud and proud about it-” Sarah: “if you thought he was out and proud about it, then why were you making a point that everyone should know?  Varner: “because we haven’t discussed it” Sarah: (talking over him) “Because he’s *NOT* out and loud and proud about it.”

At the end of the gay, he really only cared about not coming off as the Bad Person, which... ouch. There’s no rock bottom to his dignity when a mil is at stake, is there, huh?

[someone-im-close-to-fanfic-blog]

Chapter 12- Written (Epilogue)

Let’s hear some things from Wilson’s point of view. You might want to keep those tissues with you still, just in case.

Chapter Rating: G

Day 6 of...

Spring #7, if memory serves

1926

Been a while since I finally got the chance to sit on my ass and write something. It's a welcome break from all the building and cleaning and harvesting we've done around here lately. Wendy’s knee has headed just fine, but there's a large and very noticeable scar just underneath the patella that she's a bit self-conscious of. Wigfrid and Webber are always trying to build up her confidence about it, though, so I'm sure she'll be fine with it soon enough. She’s quite adorable about it, to be honest. I didn’t think much of raising children before, but I’m having second thoughts about that now thanks to Willow. Wendy and Webber are like everybody’s children around here, and as far as I know their only problem with it is that they’re unsure of who to call ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’.

Winter was actually surprisingly mild for us. I'm sure we all know who to thank for that. Everyone was quite depressed during the most of the season, but they’ve recovered since then. Not fully, but we’re all making progress. Now it's spring, as stated at the beginning of this entry, and so far, we’re thriving. I'm a bit worried, actually, since we haven't received any attacks from the hounds just yet. We usually get one around this time. Maybe I've just miscounted the days. That, and for some reason Charlie never came back as a human into this world. While I’m feeling a bit suspicious about that, words can’t describe how happy I am that she’s gone and that we’ll never have to deal with her again. Hoorah!

Our crops are doing just fine. The bees are starting to produce honey but we can't go anywhere near them because they'll poke us full of holes and bee poison if we do. Oh well. Honey isn't a priority right now anyway. What IS, however, is monitoring the world closely to see what other changes Willow may add to it soon. At least, that's MY biggest priority. Everyone else is still trying to get used to the fact that she's gone in the first place, and on top of old Wickerbottom’s death, too. Can one blame them for missing her? Absolutely not. She was a treasure to us all, myself and Wigfrid especially. Wigfrid especially has had difficulty adjusting to her absence. Before these past two weeks, I had never heard her cry before. It’s not something I want to hear again. It’s quite heartbreaking to listen to someone you’re friends with cry over something you know you can’t fix. Poor Winnie. The good news is, she and Maxwell are on better terms now. They apologized to one another for the little incident that went down between them when we found Wickerbottom’s body and how they approached it. Wigfrid is actually fairly accepting of Maxwell and I now, so I suppose that’s a good thing, too.

By the way, Maxwell made the strangest discovery. The morning after we confessed to one another about how we felt, he found a note in his tent that said ‘Hey-- take good care of my brother for me, okay? -W’. Oh, Willow. We didn’t deserve her. I will admit, though, I’m a bit embarrassed at the idea that she saw us getting intimate out there.

That note isn’t the only thing we’ve gotten from her thus far, actually. Near the end of the winter, Wes had a horrible mishap with some beefalo in heat that had somehow wandered close to the base. Wigfrid brought him in to clean him up, but his wounds were pretty severe, and we were dangerously low on disinfectant. He developed an infection and passed away within a few days. It wasn’t pretty. We were devastated, Woodie especially, until we found some things outside the base the next morning. They looked...I don’t know how to describe them. They looked vaguely like a person’s heart with ropes tied around them, as if to hold them together. They came with a note detailing how to use them, and long story short, we brought Wes back with one. That’s one moment I don’t think I’m ever going to forget. That, and one of the kids mentioned bringing back Wickerbottom with one of the spares. Let’s just say trying to dig up that body wasn’t our brightest idea. I moved the last shovelful of dirt, looked down to see just how far I’d gotten, and promptly turned my head to the side to vomit. Luckily neither Wendy nor Webber saw what I did, or they would have been horribly, horribly scarred. I should have kept in mind that decomposer bacterium existed here as well as in our old reality.

I suppose if I’m to continue writing, I’ll write about something more positive. Maxwell and I have gotten closer since that night. I’m not really sure how else to refer to it. He’s a lot more shy about romantic things than I thought he’d be. It’s actually kind of cute, I’m not going to lie. I just hope he doesn’t find this paper detailing my feelings. Otherwise I may die of embarrassment. We’ve spent a lot more time together since then, but we haven’t told the others explicitly that we’re together. Honestly, I’m not even sure that’s what we consider ourselves to be. I don’t know that much about same-sex relationships, other than the fact that they’re common in nature and that the animal with the highest rate of homosexuality is the bat. If only the world I knew before this one was more accepting of such things. Maybe then I’d have more knowledge of how to go about being in love with someone of the same sex. I’m sure the others can tell we’re together, though, and they’re fine with it. If they’re not, no one’s said anything. No one seems to have a problem with Wes and Woodie’s blatant flirting on a daily basis, so I have no idea why they wouldn’t be alright with something more low-key. Besides, we’re happy. If that’s the case, then there probably isn’t anything wrong with our love.

To be honest, it feels weird calling it that. I don’t know why. I guess it’s just because when I say I love someone, I’m not used to saying it to mean that I love them romantically. I usually just say it to mean more like my brotherly affection towards Willow, or the parental affection I have for Wendy and Webber. Looks like this new relationship is yet another thing for me to get used to. That’s not a bad thing, of course. I’ve just got a lot on my plate right now.

One more thing before I finally put my pen down. All this time I’ve spent with these people has made me realize something. Before I came here, the only thing that was important to me was my experiments and becoming one of the smartest people alive. (Keep in mind, I was trying to steer my focus away from my family since I hated my parents and thought my sister was dead.) I was morbidly self-obsessed, and that’s probably one of my biggest crimes. However, these people have taught me to become more… I suppose the word is compassionate, more aware of the needs and wants of others. While I’m still incapable of interpreting some feelings and emotions, and may not be the best all-around at interacting one-on-one or paying attention, I think I’ve become better with socializing with these people. The knowledge that I can do this brings me great happiness. Before now it was so hard to feel like others actually liked me, but here there’s a feeling of mutual acceptance for one another in the air, and it feels wonderful.

Being here has made me realize the importance of being close to someone. If I hadn’t come here, then I honestly don’t think I ever would have met people who cared for me better than I’ve cared for me, and that would have been really different than what I’ve got now. I would have never met Wendy and Webber, my wonderful children whom I wouldn’t trade for the world. I would have never met Wes, the kind mime who doesn’t need words to be a good man. I would never have met Wigfrid, the wonderfully talented and strong stage actress who can take on any role flawlessly and loved my little sister with a heart of gold. I would have certainly never met Maxwell, the man I’ve learned to love despite our several disagreements over the years. Wickerbottom, Woodie, and Wolfgang have all influenced me as well, and even though I don’t interact with them much (especially Wickerbottom for obvious reasons), I can’t imagine what my life would be like without them.

Point being, I think these long years of living with these people has taught me that you need to have an anchor of some sort to get through the worst times of your life, and that other people are sometimes one of the best forms of anchor that you can get. That’s probably some of the most useful information I have in my head right now, and I think that if anyone were to find this paper somehow and read it then I would want them to remember that single piece of information.

At present, Maxwell and I are underneath a birchnut tree together and he is asleep. Wigfrid and Wes are playing with the children in the garden. Wes has made them all flower garlands and it’s probably the cutest thing I’ve seen in ages. Just to the left of them, Woodie and Wolfgang are casually conversing with one another. It’s a wonderful and peaceful sight to behold, and I can only wish that it would last forever.

Nowadays, I think that if someone were to come up to me today, tomorrow, a week or even a century from now and ask “Wilson, who’s someone that you’re close to?”, all I would have to do is show them this wonderful bunch of people I’ve grown to love like family, the children, and my sweet baby sister, and that person would have their answer.

The End