#as that one song goes hell is gonna love you darling there’s nowhere left to run away

[st-hedge]

*blends together interests and pours them out like a smoothie* yorha prototype raiden, once again! 😎

[multiples-fandomswontkillme]

~Metal Family headcanons~

These are like my... general hcs)? which means I didn't include my main hc that Glam, Ches and Vicky are polyamorous, married and started dating after Glam met Vicky, and absolutely everything that implies for the kids and the relationships between each member of the fam. Maybe I'll make a separate post for that or maybe not! Who knows lkfwnlfqnf

Glam

Bisexual

Glam has constant nightmares and ocasional night terrors ever since he ran away home and is an active sleep walker. Ches helped him through the worse ones when they were younger, and learned how to deal with them, always preferring not to wake him up but being with him until the episode passed. Vicky has learned how to deal with them, though she normally asks Ches for advice with it cuz she comes out short sometimes.

He has PTSD. I bet it's diagnosed too, he takes medication and goes to therapy, it doesn't mean he still doesn't have his bad days anyway. He's trying to get better.

Glam has talked to Vicky about his past, his father and his family. This is a direct contradiction of Alina's confirmation that Glam doesn't talk about it with anyone but man FUCK THAT. We love good communication in this house, Vicky tries her best to help him, but there's only so much she can do to help.

Glam enjoys gardening, cooking and making models, he also likes doing his make up, painting his nails and dressing up in fancy, extravagant clothes even if he has nowhere important to go.

He likes taking care of everyone's hair, and constantly helps Vicky brush her hair cuz there's so much of it, Dee when he gets stressed over how tangled it can get, buys Ches hair products so he actually takes care of it, and chases Heavy so the kid actually washes, untangles and brushes his hair.

This one is kind of weird, but I refuse to think any adult in the family is unarmed at any time. Glam owns a taser and pepper spray. They're bright pink and sparkly.

This man cried his eyes out while watching Coco. He's hell to watch movies with cuz he talks and predicts what's gonna happen during the movie, judges them with scores at the end and all.

Vicky

Also bisexual!

Vicky's the one who does everyone's laundry most of the time. She prefers it that way since she's the only one that knows how to wash their black clothes so the colors stay vibrant. (This is based on my gf shaming everyone but Vicky cuz their black clothes always look so muted and almost gray, but Vicky's whole outfit is always the same vibrant black colors, so we decided that neither Glam or the kids know how to wash dark clothes)

She has anger issues, if it isn't obvious. I think she also has PTSD, mainly survivor's guilt due to her surviving the accident her brother died in. She blames herself and cannot bear to talk about it, in some sort of deep denial. If she can't remember, it can't hurt as much, right?

She has scars on the right side of her back and her hip, from the road rash she got on her brother's accident, she never treated it due to grief and it scarred badly. Apart from that, the scar of the caesarean section from Heavy's birth. She doesn't really mind both of them, they happened, nothing to do about them.

She likes watching boxing competitions, brawling matches and motorcycle repairing on TV. Loves doing BBQ's and going to the pool. Also an enjoyer of teasing her kids, kissing and loving her husband at random times, spending time drinking and bonding with Ches and bragging about her family and punching anyone who thinks they're not that cool.

Not particularly a fan of make up, skirts and dresses or any traditionally femenine-perceived stuff. But has been making exceptions due to Glam and Ches being unashamed of being seen as femenine, and actually rocking the looks. The internalized misogyny is kind of slowly dissapearing.

Apart from the guns she carries in each arm (I mean her biceps, have you looked at the size of those?? She strong) she has brass knuckles on her at all times. Glam gifts her new ones sometimes, she loves having multiple choices to punch people teeth in.

Loves horror, thrillers and action movies. Falls asleep during rom-coms and dramas. Ironically, loves gossip and talking shit about people. Enjoys hearing Ches talks about the gossip going on in the nursery home even if she doesn't know who the hell he's talking about.

Rest of the family under the cut!

Heavy

Heavy is a trans boy! He doesn't know his sexuality yet though, he's still figuring himself out. When he's older, i think he definitely dated some men but had better luck with girls.

Heavy has had innocent crushes on some girls on his class before, but they never turn into anything more cuz he's not the best at expressing himself. He follows the bother-the-girl-to-death-until-she-hates-you gimmick, and unsurprisingly, it doesn't work.

I'm sorry to break this to u but Heavy totally had an among us phase, and uses so much reddit and twitch slang... You know he does.

Likes bullying and teasing his brother to death. You know that when Dee had his first romance, Heavy was ALL up in his business being a tease and a bad attempt at a wingman. He means well tho.

He's not squeamish at all. Also has great pain resistance. This kid has picked cockroaches with his bare hands and loves cats, of course the cats have scratched him. He's tough!

Grows up to be the charming himbo he was always destined to be.

Dee

I hc him as demisexual. Kind of inherited his dad's tastes for the takes no crap, intimidating but pretty kind of people.

Can't cook. He tries but he can only do basics like rice, cereal, chicken nuggets or eggs. Complicated meals always burn or don't taste like anything at all. It drives him crazy.

Dee was a quiet and very well behaved toddler before Heavy was born. He never threw tantrums or got whims. After Heavy was born though, and despite the fact he understood his brother was small and needed special care, he started craving attention often and cried and got mad at little things. Typical jealousy of the oldest sibling.

The first time Dee fell in love with someone, he didn't recognize it was love at first. He just thought his interest on the person was born out of curiosity and aesthetic attraction, but as soon as he realized he seeked validation and companionship, that he liked seeing them smile, that he wanted to protect them, that he yearned for more time alone with them and that he wanted more than what just a simple friendship implied, it was an instant 'oh hell no'. He wanted those feelings to get the hell away, but unfortunately, they were there to stay.

Canonically likes MLP, psychological and horror anime like Death note and Hellsing, so I'm deciding he also watched Death Parade, had a FNAF phase, is very into The Walten Files. This guy enjoys any kind of specially dark ARG's and knows a ton of lore of real crime, unsolved cases, ghost appearances and other stuff. Doesn't believe in the supernatural, but sure is entertained by it.

He's a mess at romance. Flirting? His attempts at compliments are hardly flattering. Giving gifts? The best he can manage is jewelry and you can kind of tell he asked his dad for help. Dates? He's so nervous he's silent for most of it, but begins getting comfortable and having fun if his partner really knows how to get him down from his negativity cloud.

Ches

Pansexual.

He's very good with kids. He has the patience of a saint and he's laid-back, chill and fun but still is an authority figure who knows how to put limits. Sure, he's gonna let the kids light up a house on fire BUT hey, now they know everything about fire precautions, burns and how to treat them AND how to get away with arson. What an educational evening, am I right?

Due to certain info from the "Goodbye" official comic, I headcanon Ches as depressed. I don't want to elaborate a lot 'cuz of spoilers, but... God, everything related to his mom fucking hurts, man. How did he deal with all that?

Ches has been Dee and Heavy's babysitter so many times he cannot count them with all his fingers. He learned how to put those kids to sleep almost immediately (Sing Bon Jovi's "This ain't a love song" and any cheesy love song in a slow lullaby style and they're out), which movie were their favorite as kids (Heavy loved 'Monsters Inc.' and Dee never looked away during 'Meet the Robinsons'), how to console them after nightmares (Heavy needed reassurance, sweet words, and to be with someone until he fell asleep again. Dee just had to be tucked in, get his nightlight turned on and kissed in the forehead). He practically raised those kids along with Vicky and Glam.

More than once, Dee and Heavy have slipped and called Ches "Dad". Ches immediately gets his shit eating grin on and answers "Yes, son?" and does a couple of dad jokes just to mess and embarrass them. He's actually very flattered and surprised at how proud of himself he is for being a father figure to both kids.

Has a scar on the left side of his forehead due to a bottle his mom threw at him when he was younger, around the time he met Glam. He hates the scar with passion, it's a permanent reminder of the fact she never cared, that's why he always keeps it covered with his headband. Gets sad about it sometimes.

Ches likes to spend his time with a group of grannies of the nearby nursing home. He genuinely considers them his friends and gossips and hangs out with all of them on weekends. Bingo, billiards, walks in the park, soap opera marathons, you name it. I even designed them, gave them names and backstories... God, i just love the concept too much. I'll make some art about Ches and his granny gang FOR SURE, you're NOT ready for them.

Carries a pocket knife on him at all times. This man grew up on a bad neighborhood and absolutely knows how to defend himself, he can be intimidating when he wants to be and will pose a threat if needed. He's fucking terrifying when genuinely mad. Just cause he looks harmless doesn't mean he is, darling.

That would be all!

[shintorikhazumi]

“Dance For Me.”

A/N: Here’s your pole-dancing AU you bunch of thirsty… people on discord. Idk, I’m bad at… trashtalk if it’s not for self-defense. I also don’t cuss unless it’s in fics. Because I’m technically not cussing, the characters are *wink wink*.

Batting second after Lary! Khazumi~ Coming in! Unless someone already finished before I did and I didn’t notice, haha.

I’m not one to write NSFW. At least not for public… consumption. Borderline, yes. But like… I suck at NSFW, not gonna lie. I’ll try my very best?

I'm also sorry that I can't write pole dancing very well. Hope you can... picture out what's going on. haha.

Weirdest thing I searched for confirmation while writing this was ‘during intercourse are your pupils constricted or dilated’ Because my mind is so lost rn hahha.

My timeline here is before Christmas. I’m sorry. I need it.

Basically, I'm sorry for this trashy fic.

ayt.

Enjoy?

~Shintori Khazumi 

This… is not quite what Diana expected when she left Akko this morning for work at the estate.

The past few months, Akko had been busy with teaching her classes at Luna Nova, on top of performing her scheduled weekend shows in town that the woman just wouldn’t give up the chance to do. Always for the smiles, always for the people’s happiness.

And Diana loves her for that, she really does. Dear Beatrix, she loves her wife- of three years now- to death.

But while she had been excitedly looking forward to the holidays, winter rolling around, expecting that she’d finally have her wife-mind you- all to herself, said wife had other plans, it seems.

Akko had agreed to be booked almost daily this season, and despite being home in Diana’s arms each night, she had absolutely zero energy to do anything but snuggle up to the former heiress and fall asleep in the blink of an eye.

Diana had pouted for days on end, telling Akko to give her one day, to spend just one day with her.

Akko, despite all her regrets of leaving her wife like this, couldn’t just cancel. But she had promised to dedicate the two days before the twenty-fifth, right up ‘til the end of vacation to her lovely spouse.

And Diana has to reluctantly agree. She knows in her heart that this is Akko’s passion, it’s what makes her the amazing woman known for her beautiful believing heart.

Diana just needs patience. So much patience.

But then, on the day of Christmas Eve, she gets a call from the manor. It’s related to the estate. About a sudden accident with one of her people. She couldn’t not go. At least she’d try to finish up early so she could offer her remaining time to-

Akko’s phone rings.

It’s a special request. A little girl’s birthday. And she just had to see the amazing Kagari (-Cavendish) Atsuko perform her special magic. Now this wouldn’t have been that much of a problem had the party been in the morning or early afternoon, however it appeared as though it would take place around five pm. Diana knows it will run overtime. It always does. Everyone loves to bask in the presence and utter warmth of ‘Atsuko’ after all.

So, Begrudgingly, they both prepare for their respective agendas, Diana feeling absolutely depressed over the fact that she would be coming home for Christmas eve to an empty house, cold halls, devoid of the calming scent and lovely voice of her wife singing her favorite Shiny Chariot showtune from the kitchen as she cooked all of Diana’s favorites.

Akko notices. She always does.

She walks up to the sulking blonde, cupping her face in her hands, chuckling at those pouty lips, those teary eyes. “I’m really sorry, my Diana.” She whispers. “Really, I am.”

Diana sighs in defeat, pulling her wife into one last bearhug before work.

“Can I at least have my own Magical Atsuko show?” She uncharacteristically turns her puppy eyes to her wife, only ever showing Akko this spoiled child within.

“I’ll only give you the very best.”

“With a little song?”

“Whatever you’d like

“Mm…” Diana nodded, looking down at her feet before raising her head, one last question on her mind. “Dance for me?”

“Sure, sweetheart.” Akko laughed, nuzzling her nose on Diana’s. “But for now,” She pinches the taller witch’s nose playfully before planting a kiss. “This is for the kids.”

…

This is DEFINITELY NOT “for the kids”. For any kids. For anyone for that matter. Diana would never show this to anyone. Over her dead. Lifeless. Fucking. Body.

Nonononono. Diana shakes her head a thousand times internally.

No.

Just no.

Diana gasps as she drops her suitcase on the floor, the contents spilling out at the impact. She had not expected this of all things. She imagined coming home to an empty house, no Akko, and miserable reheated food.

She hadn’t expected unlocking her door to the smells of a rotisserie chicken, some wine, and Akko’s homely scent.

She wasn’t expecting the low thrum of music in the background. She didn’t think that her wife would stand in front of her, in her usual show outfit- no. Wait. This isn’t her show outfit.

Like hell she’d wear that to a children’s party!!

No, this. THIS… This is a knock-off Shiny Chariot costume that is far too skimpy to be sold to the young and pure fans of Chariot. This is one of those costumes you’d see them sell adults for dumb pranks on Halloween, or see it at those kinds of shops.

How did Akko even get that?

Online?

The internet is truly fearsome. Shameless. So Shameless.

And so is Diana as she gawks at her pretty wife, donning a very short white skirt, a top that very much exposes her midriff- technically, only holding together those perky mounds-, a cape that is probably the only thing covering her wife that can be counted as decent, thigh-high- gosh- those thigh-high boots, hair free of that small side pony-tail; and that signature white witch hat tops off the ensemble.

“Welcome home~” Akko greets with her usual cheer, expression innocent and beaming, before it shifts a sultry color, tone dropping into a hushed invitation. “Diana.”

Said woman is quiet, she struggles to form a response.

Akko.

‘Let’s try saying your wife’s name now, Diana Cavendish.’

“A-A-A-A… aaahhhh…”

Oh, Great Beatrix, give me strength.

A lot of it. A trolley’s worth, if you must.

…-and stamina. Please. Strength and stamina to endure.

And Clearly Diana isn’t wishing to hold her ground against temptation.

She might just have a long night ahead.

“Diana.”

“Y-yes! I’m l-listening. Very clearly… most…. Definitely…” She says whilst staring at the gracious amounts of cleavage-

“Of course you are, babe.” Akko chuckles in that sickeningly sweet tone, taking a step forward as Diana takes one back. “Where are you going?” She takes another, as does Diana in the opposite direction, her back meeting the hard wood of their front door.

“N-nowhere, I’m… I’m Home.” Diana feels her hands become clammy, shaking, as she wonders where to put them.

“Heh~… I thought you were running away or something.” Akko smiles kindly, actions not as kind. She traps Diana with her body, arms on either side of her head. “And I wouldn’t like that. Would you?” Her eyes flutter innocently, lashes long, eyes wide.

There was clearly only one correct answer.

“N-no.”

“Good.” Akko laughs like gentle chimes, pleasant to the ear.

Diana smiles, feeling a little more relaxed.

-Before one hand comes off the wall and now climbs up her torso, Akko’s index and middle fingers walking up to Diana’s tie before her hand takes it, pulling it out of the vest.

“I always liked it when you wore ties.” She murmured, eyes blank and scrutinizing the tie. Before Diana could respond, Akko was already resting her head on Diana’s chest, hand absent-mindedly twirling the thin red tie. “I also like that you wear my colors on you.” Akko raised her head, pulling on Diana’s tie so that their faces came so incredibly close to one another, lips a hair’s breadth apart. “Tells people that you're mine.”

That effectively steals the air out of Diana’s lungs as Akko steps back, still holding fast to the tie, pulling Diana along, as if on a leash. Her Japanese wife leads her to the living room and sits her down on their amazingly comfortable couch.

But not even that could ease Diana’s tense nerves.

“H-Hi.”

“Hi, Diana.” Akko greets back, leaning over her wife, a finger gliding from the base of Diana’s throat to her jaw, tipping it up to guide blue eyes up to meet the most intoxicating wine. “What was your last little request for me this morning, again?”

“I- I… uh… um…”

“Yes?” The brunette lowers her body onto Diana’s head tucked between the poor heiress’ shoulder and neck, peppering kisses along her jaw. “Please remember, darling. I really want to do it for you, you know?” She chuckles, biting on a certain spot near Diana’s throat making her yelp, then licking the area to ease the pain. “I prepared really well for it. I tried so hard for you.”

Definitely not the only thing that was hard, Diana thinks.

An uncontrolled whine tears its way out of the blonde’s mouth, mind desperately trying to remember what the hell she last asked.

Then it clicks.

“D-dance…”

“Hmm?”

“Dance for me…?”

Akko seems elated with her answer, nuzzling her neck once before pulling away, Diana missing her warmth… or heat. Or both.

“With pleasure.”

Diana is sure there will be a lot of pleasure involved.

With a flick of her wand (where had Akko hidden that?), a pole rises from the floor in the open space of the room. Akko stalks hypnotizingly towards it, grasping the hard metal with one hand before smoothly pulling herself into her first twirl.

‘Oh Great Nine. This is one of those dances, isn’t it?’

Diana swallows so painfully, finding her throat constricted, the opposite to her dilating pupils as she watches her wife with the focus of a predator waiting on its prey.

Off goes the cape, and Diana only now realizes just how little of her wife’s ass is actually covered by that skirt.

She loves Akko’s ass- She loves Akko. Period.

-along with her thighs and bottom.

She admires her better half’s toned body, muscles flexing and simply wonderful as Akko spins herself around the pole gracefully, hanging onto it with only one hand. The elegance of the movements allows Diana to forget her barely restrained arousal, leaving her in awe for a few moments.

Then a toned leg wraps itself around the pole, Akko rolling her body up against it, turning her gaze to Diana, eyes half-lidded and so sinful. All that talk about grace- screw it, right now.

Another twirl, and another, and another.

Akko climbs her way up the pole so sensually, Diana wishes she were the one being climbed like that. Then Akko stops near the top, almost as though she was frozen. Diana waits with bated breath, before Akko’s hands suddenly release the pole, falling backwards; and Diana panics, thinking something happened and her wife was about to hit the ground hard- but only the hat does so. Akko’s body hangs smoothly in the air, legs squeezing tight, flexing those amazing thighs.

Oh, to be between them instead.

The spinning restarts. Repeats over and over, legs stretching out, then pulling in. At times, an arm would reach out, almost as if it were inviting the audience in, to come closer; to come touch this performer. Then Akko lowers herself to the ground, movements sophisticated, nimble, body poised, and oh so sensual. It’s an interpretative dance, and there must be story behind it.

Diana just doesn’t have enough brain power to process it.

She gasps as her wife stands up; the skirt is forgone, leaving Akko in racy black panties that matches her top that might as well not exist. And again, she’s on that pole, embracing it, caressing it with one hand, down to her body, allowing her palm to slide down her chest to a taut stomach, abs glistening in sweat, before reaching down her legs, and between her thighs, then out, back to latching onto the pole.

The loss of garment shouldn’t distract her. She’s sure this action was to give her wife better grip on the pole. Definitely the reason. Yes. Not because this was… was a… that.

Of course.

Breaking the unspoken rule of silence, a voice suddenly begs for her attention.

“Diana…”

…

Fuck.

“Nnmm!”

Diana throws her head back for a second, needing to relieve her burdened senses at the sight that had just greeted her mere moments ago.

Akko had basically rubbed herself against the pole, her most intimate place surely touching it as she slid up then down, dropping into an air-split, barely hovering over the ground, still twirling, yet painfully slow this time, basically presenting herself to the very red mess breathing heavily on the couch.

Diana’s not sure she can stay seated anymore. She’s been holding back. She’s certain she can’t keep holding back.

“But why are you holding back?”

The question throws her for a loop, eyes so wide, as she stares at Akko’s tantalizing figure, draped over her pole, breathing as difficultly as Diana is.

She releases her show equipment, leaving the pole to disappear as she strides forward provocatively, halting in front of Diana, placing her hands down on the blonde’s open lap, freeing them from their squeezed-together position just moments ago. They massage at Diana’s thighs, and the heiress moans, unsuppressed.

Her dancer takes a seat on her lap, hands busying themselves with loosening Diana’s tie a bit more, removing it from her before Akko slings it around her own neck.

“You are so mean, Diana… even after I called for you so many times…” Akko whispers against her lips, eyes fiery and slightly angered. Diana’s hands are guided to rest on Akko’s hips as she grinds against her wife needily. “Utterly horrible.”

It should be the winter season as it was Christmas. Diana knows that the outside world was harshly cold and chilly, but that temperature did not seem to apply to her. Most definitely not within Diana, and most definitely not between her leee-heeeeg- ‘damn you, Akko’.

“Why would you not come for me?”

‘Which ‘come’ might we be discussing here’, Diana wonders.

“I… I didn’t know… my apologies.” Diana stutters out, distracted by the hand touching the inside of her thigh.

“Even when I made it so obvious?” Akko pouts, biting Diana’s shoulder angrily as her hands make quick work of the taller witch’s buttoned shirt. Those same hands splay against her collarbone and shoulders, caressing and teasing, moving to the back of her head to massage her scalp. The Head of Cavendish gets pulled into a long kiss, her significant other’s tongue pleading entrance as it licks along Diana’s full lips, thighs squeezing Diana’s legs.

Diana permits, giving the appendage access to explore her mouth completely, sometimes brushing against her gums, and gliding along her teeth, entangling with her own tongue. Akko pulls away with a rough nip on Diana’s lower lip.

The latter’s hand is held captive, guided somewhere along her lover’s body.

The heiress fails at hindering any sounds from escaping her as she feels hot liquid drip onto her fingers, before pooling into her open palm. So that’s where Akko had brought it.

“Diana.”

Her eyes are bewitching. Fitting of her occupation. They hold Diana’s gaze a prisoner, not against her will. They compel her to do something. Akko rubs against her once more, and Diana whimpers aloud.

“Diana.”

Arms tighten their loop against Diana’s neck. Akko’s voice still sounds calm and controlled, but her actions tell Diana that she is anything but. She’s basically riding her at this point.

“Diana.”

“Y-yesh?!” Hooded, dark, tempting. Akko’s eyes were all those things. And maybe Diana’s were too.

“Diana.”

“Yes…?” Diana feels a switch flip as her finger slips into that wet, heated space and makes Akko cry a lovely tone. She goes deaf to the world, all her focus on the woman shivering delightfully in her arms.

  “Diana…”

  “Yes…”

  “Dance with me.”

A/N: So… sequel?

~Shintori Khazumi

[bl--ankhaeji]

Jisung

Pairing - Jisung x chubby*Reader

Genre - Fluff

Warning - Suggestive content, insecurities 

A/N - Soo this is a Jisung timestamp but this is done differently than how most do their timestamps also the Jisung in this is different than “usual” Jisung just to let y’all know. He’s getting older so I feel as if the content in here is not that bad and if any of you have problems with Jisung being a regular teenage boy with hormones then oh fucking well. If you want to keep seeing him as a child then this is not for you.  

W. Count - I don’t really know I didn’t look this time but ik it’s longer than I intended

5:30 

As you laid sideways across your bed trying to find the perfect position. You heard your mom in the kitchen cooking what you hope is dinner. Your stomach wailing as soon as the thought crosses your mind. ‘Ah I found it’ you think as the immediate comfort of the perfect laying spot begins to set deep within your body.

 You take a look at your phone and start back reading your story that was shining on the screen. It was starting to escalate as the currently featured side gay couple finally stopped lying to themselves and admittedly jumped each others bones. You feel the little tingle start in the pit of your stomach, it was just getting good when a message came through.

Jisungpwark 💚💚😗🤤🥰🤪:

BABEEEEE 

AHHHH

IM BOREDD

Come play mario kart with me 

You:

UGGHHH

But I just found the perfect laying spot 

And my mom’s cooking dinner 

Tell me why I should get up and come over? what’s in it for me 

Jisungpwark 💚💚😗🤤🥰🤪:

Maybe because you love me and dont wanna see me

 suffer from boredom 

You: 

Do I really love you that much though?

That’s the question of the hour

Jisungpwark 💚💚😗🤤🥰🤪:

First off that hurt 

Second of course you love me or else you wouldnt be 

dating me for 7 years now 

You: 

You forget about that time we broke up in fifth

grade 

Jisungpwark 💚💚😗🤤🥰🤪:

That was for ONE DAY ok 

If you come over I promise to let you win at mario kart

     “What the hell?” you exclaimed slightly outraged at the bullshit he just sent to your phone. Sitting up you feel the competitiveness start to spike. “Did he really just challenge me like that?”

     You get out of bed and start to put your shoes on, “He knows damn well that I can beat his ass without him ‘letting me win.’” 

You:

Stop fucking lying whore you know damn well I can 

beat your ass I mario kart 

See now I have to come over and whoop you at your

own video game

I’ll be over in 10

     Part of you knows Jisung said that on purpose but that didn’t stop you from taking the bait still.

     Walking out of your room you go into the kitchen and see your mother almost done with dinner, the sweet aroma of the food has your mouth watering, stopping for a second you ponder if you should really go play mario kart. 

     “Hey sweets, dinner is almost ready.” your mother turns to you and smiles, taking in your jacket and shoes and she looks at you questiongly.

     Walking around to your mom you give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek as you grab your car keys that sit behind her. “Hey I came to let you know that I was gonna head over to Jisung’s for a little to beat him at mario kart. He threatened me so I have to show him what’s up.”  Hearing your statement, one that she has heard before, your mother laughs and gives you an ok before she recommends just staying the night, knowing that you won’t be back anytime soon. 

     Thinking about it you go and pack a bag. Going towards the front door you’re about to step out when your mom calls you back in the kitchen to which you see her sitting at the table with a plate of food as she slides a container with enough for both you and Jisung. “Thank you mama.” you say smiling so wide that it almost hurt, feeling happy that you get to eat some of f/f(favorite food).

     “You’re welcome sweets. Oh and before I forget, be safe.”

     You left out a huff of air telling your mother that you will be careful driving so she has nothing to worry about.

     In a sing-song voice she goes,“That’s not what I meant.” As you open your mouth to ask what she meant she cuts you off by sliding something across the table. 

     “Mom...what is that. ‘Please don’t let it be what I think it is.’ But as you read the box your fears are confirmed. It is condoms. “Mom what the- EW mom no it’s not, we’re not-” she cuts you off with a raised hand. 

     “Sweetie you’re not in trouble. I know you and Jisung have been together for a very long time, and I trust and love you both. But you’re of the age where you do things like that and you may not feel comfortable telling me, but love safe sex is nothing to be ashame-”

     Never having been this flustered in your life you frantically tried to get her to stop,“MOM. I…” Fidgeting with your hands you start to awkwardly look around the kitchen as if it was the first time you had ever seen it. “...We don’t do those types of things.” 

     “Ok darling, but you never know what might happen.” She states with the smuggest look on her face, winking as she hands you four condoms. “I’m not endorsing it but I know that if you want to do it then there’s nothing I could do to stop you so take these. Also you might want to go ahead and get to his house, your phone has been buzzing for a while now.” She states whilst she started to eat the food that was on her plate. 

     You couldn’t get out of that house quick enough, seeing as how you almost fell walking out of the door. Settling down in the car you release the biggest cringe you’ve ever had in your life. “AHHH ew what the fuck was that!” you exclaim feeling the condoms that burned in your pockets, as if they were trying to set your pants on fire so that they could get put to good use. 

     Finally calming down your phone buzzes with another message from Jisung. You see that he’s left various messages questioning where you are or what's taking so long. Some stating that you must be dead. You shake your head at your silly boyfriend as you reply to his many messages. With a light sigh you put the key in the ignition and back out of your driveway.  

     It was then that you started to look back at you and Jisung’s relationship. You guys started dating in fifth grade when you both got dared to spend seven minutes in heaven at you guys long time friend, Jeongin’s, birthday party. He still holds the fact that the only reason you too got together was because of him, but ever since then you and Jisung have been going strong. 

     Except for that one day in fifth grade when you guys broke up a week after you had gotten together because Mina Jameson had convinced you that Jisung would never want a ‘bludder whale’ like you. Ha jokes on her she’s had five STD’s this year alone and at least two pregnancy scares and she didn’t even know how to say blubber so who’s on top now. 

     Ever since you were a child you’ve always been bigger than most girls and it did make you feel insecure for a very long time, but if it wasn’t for Jisung who reassured you and showered you with as much love as he could every time you slipped you don’t know what life would be like. 

     You loved him with everything you had. 

     You and Jisung had never gone past small makeouts. They barely even involved tongue, there’s no way that things would just escalate tonight out of basically nowhere. Right?

     Yea. Anyways Jisung is too shy for that even though sometimes he could be a cheeky asshole and I don’t know if I’m ready.  

     Seeing that you’ve made it to Jisung’s house you take a look at the time and see that it had been almost two hours as it was 6:45. Damn, well at least I brought food. 

     You greeted your soft looking boyfriend clad in a hoodie that is slightly big on him and Nike joggers, he almost tackled you to the ground when he saw the food in your hands. When he asked what took so long you just told him it was the food. You guys ate the food that your mom gave you and started playing mario kart.

8:23

     After about 15 rematches most of which you won Jisung’s mom called him into the living room. She had an emergency at work and she wanted him to know that she wouldn’t be back till tomorrow.

     “So babe, what are we gonna do now? We could watch a movie or...” Jisung whispered, trailing off as he got in bed next to you and started to survey every inch of your face. It felt as if he was looking into your soul. You felt like he could see every single flaw on your face and you did not like it. As soon as he started leaning in moving his hand to your pillowy waist your mind flashed to the conversation you had with your mother. 

     ‘Is this it? Does he want to do it?’ Overwhelming thoughts started to cloud your mind and pretty soon you found yourself jerking back once you felt the tip of his nose touch yours. The sound of the sheets moving filled the room as you stood up off of the bed. 

     “Uhh it’s getting late, A movie sounds nice I think I’m just gonna go shower right quick and we can watch the movie when I get out, ok?” You state as you quickly gather your shorts that you brought and a hoodie out of Jisung’s closet, and rush into his en suite bathroom almost slamming the door behind you.   

     Turning on the shower to make sure he didn’t hear you, you immediately start to whisper shout, “Ah! What the fuck was that, who the fuck was that and what did he do with my boyfriend. Jisung has never been like that before.” Tying your hair up you hop in the shower feeling the water pelt your skin as you decided to forget about it, but you couldn’t deny the twinge you felt in your stomach every time you thought about how he looked when he stared at you like that. 

9:34

     The movie was boring so you guys decided to play games again. Only for Jisung to see that he was about to lose against you in Mortal Kombat and in an effort to be a little bitch he tackled you. Now wrestling you yell at him in mock anger for ruining the game before you could kick his head off. As you flipped the both of you over so that you were on top you started to pettily slap his arm. 

     “Ahh Park Jisung you dick! I almost won why’d you do tha-” You had gotten too comfortable and loosed up your legs that were caging him in and he was able to flip you mid sentence. It was then you noticed what a compromising position you both were in, it looked somewhat akin to the basic missionary. 

     Letting out quickened breaths you started to heat up as Jisung stayed in between your legs. You could see the slight perspiration sort of dampen his hair. The game made a sound that surprised you a little causing you to sort of jerk your body. At that Jisung let out a groan that sounded like it was painful. 

     Your body alerts and you start to question him,“Jisung I’m sorry are you ok? What happened?” A ferocious blush starts to race across his cheeks. He avoids your eyes and tells you that it was nothing and that he’s fine.

     “Jisung stop lying and would you let me up now, you’ve been laying on me for a while an-” Cool slightly wet lips touch yours. A little startled at first you tense up but then his lips start to move against yours and the tension in your body slowly unwinds till nothing is left but pure bliss. His lips slowly caress yours and this feels like nothing you’ve ever felt in your life. The passion and the want that he puts into kissing you has you going crazy. 

     Once a steady rhythm is set you move your lower body in an effort to get comfortable and Jisung groans again, and you immediately feel something against your leg and you get flustered because now you know why he groaned and you feel like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner. 

     Jisung wants more, more of you, more of this. The high that this is putting him on is euphoric and for now he doesn’t want to stop. He didn’t say anything but when you came out of his bathroom in his hoodie that fit just like a dress because of the height difference and the illusion that you had nothing on under got him so riled up that he almost couldn’t breathe. It was always like that when it came to you. He loved you so much that it was at most times suffocating. He slips his tongue out of his mouth and just barely grazes it against your bottom lip as if he was testing out the water temp in a pool. 

     You feel something wet against your lips realizing that it was Jisung’s tongue and you quickly almost embarrassingly so open your mouth to let him in. His tongue ventures farther into your mouth and for a little bit there you both are, in the middle of the floor in his room exploring each other, tasting each other, and it is as if there is no one or nothing in the world except for you two. 

     Soon enough without realizing Jisung starts to slowly grind his semi-erection right on to your heated core. The feeling was heavenly and neither of you wanted to stop. 

     He lifts off of your lips so that you both could breath but he soon started to kiss all over your neck, and you throw your head back and release a moan that sounded like heaven to his ears. Grabbing your soft plushy sides he starts to feel anywhere that he can and you tense up out of slight fear at what could be his reaction. He runs one hand down to your thigh, lifting it so that it’s placed on his hip softly squeezing while the other starts to make its way to the hem of your hoodie pulling it up slightly, and that’s when the thoughts came. 

     You quickly pushed Jisung off of you and sat up trying to pull the hoodie as far down your body that it could reach. You looked toward Jisung to see that he had a blush the color of a strawberry and his lips were swollen to look even more soft and inviting than normal. Standing up you rush to his bathroom and close the door leaving a severely confused and turned on Jisung on the floor.  

     Looking toward the mirror, multiple hickies are splattered across your neck and when you lift your hand to rub against them you jolt a little at how tender they were. You could also see where it looked as if you had taken a shot at the kylie jenner lip challenge. But that wasn’t where your mind was at, you were focused on what just happened out there. Thoughts of Jisung possibly seeing your chubby stomach riddled with stretch marks made immediate panic course through your veins. 

     You normally were so good with not thinking about things like that Jisung having helped you be able to get here, but now when he was on the precipice of Jisung seeing your body you couldn’t think about anything but the possible disgust at what you really looked like. 

     It’s not like you didn’t trust him or anything but when insecurity strikes it strikes hard. You consider telling Jisung about these feelings considering you always have in the past, but what if he feels as if you’re doubting his love for you and he gets mad.

     You realize that you’ve probably been in the bathroom for a long time and you didn’t want Jisung to worry so you muster up the courage and with a determined release of air you open the door. Only to see that Jisung is not where you left him. 

     “I wonder where he’s at?” You speak into the air until you wonder what time it is and see that it’s 10:15. ‘WTF we were making out for that long’

     Thirty minutes have passed and Jisung is still not back. As soon as you get up to go look for him he walks into the room. 

     “Where were you? You’ve been gone for a little over half an hour.” 

     Jisung looks at you and when he sees your truly confused face he shyly thwarts his eyes and lifts his hand to rub his neck at the realization that he’ll actually have to explain. But before he can you see his shy gaze and it clicks in your mind what he could’ve been doing regarding what you felt earlier. Biting the inside of your lip you tell him nevermind stating that you already know. He apologizes and says he had to do something because he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.      

11:00

     The last fifteen minutes have been filled with an agonisingly awkward aura in the air. You and Jisung have been sitting up against the headboard of his bed staring at some movie on tv but you knew that neither of you were actually paying attention. Jisung’s warm hand slides toward yours and upon contact you jump up and away. 

     “Babe what’s wrong? You’ve been jumpy ever since what happened a while ago. Is everything ok? Did I do something wrong?” Jisung asks with slight guilt in his voice thinking he was the problem. You told him no but he didn’t believe and you kept trying to deny his accusations saying that you were just tired but he wouldn’t take that for an answer.

     He grabbed your chin and sort of gently forced you to look at him and when you saw his warm eyes filled with nothing but love you had no choice but to break down and tell him. 

     Hot salty tears ran down your face and he took his thumb and used it to wipe your tears as you described what happened when he tried to go under the hoodie. You had to continuously reassure him that it was not his fault, but your own. 

     “I promise Jisung you did nothing wrong. I love you so much we’ve been through everything together. It’s my fault for feeling this way even when you constantly shower me with love. I just sometimes, I feel like you shouldn’t like me and when you tried to reach under my hoodie it’s just like I didn’t want my fears to come true once you see my body.” 

     “...Babe I- I don’t know how to approach this like I want you to know how much I truly love you. I honestly love your body so much but I don’t want you to think that's all though.” Jisung stated nervously mildly irritated at himself for not being able to properly express his feelings for you. Starting to think you honestly couldn’t believe why you didn’t trust him. He was your mouse, your tall boi, your marshmallow, your love, and possibly even your life.

     “C’mere” Jisung stated in his deep soothing voice as he pulled you into his lap in a straddle position. 

     What Jisung didn’t know was that you loved whenever you got to sit in his lap, it made you feel giddy inside. 

     Jisung totally knew that you loved to sit in his lap.

     “It’s ok, we don’t have to rush. If you don’t feel comfortable showing your body too me yet then that’s ok...One request though.” He states with a small smile and a single finger held in the air. “Can we at least keep making out like this because I’ve been holding myself back and after tonight I don’t think I can do that anymore.” He promptly flashes a slightly cocky smirk to which you answer with a smack on the arm earning a laugh from him. 

     Wondering why you even date him you give him a lingering kiss on the lips and snuggle into his chest. 

     “Y/n, I noticed that earlier when you were talking about what happened you called this hoodie yours. I just wanted you to- ACK stop choking me- AKKK.” 

Although he was currently being choked he was happy, because he knew that you were ok.

[puckrph]

ORVILLE PECK’S ‘PONY’ STARTERS

feel free to change pronouns, etc!

DEAD OF NIGHT

‘ the sun goes down, another dreamless night; you’re right by my side. ’ ‘ it’s time to ride. ’ ‘ there’s a strange look in your eyes. ’ ‘ baby, let’s get high. ’ ‘ let’s get high. ’ ‘ we’ll spend a johnny’s cash, hitch another ride. ’ ‘ we laugh until we cry. ’ ‘ go fast! ’ ‘ hold on tight. ’ ‘ see the boys as they walk on by? ’ ‘ it’s enough to make a young man - ’ ‘ you’re not by my side. ’ ‘ there’s a scratch on the moon like a familiar smile stained on my mind. ’ ‘ it was some other town, someone else’s life. ’ ‘ it’s someone else’s life, dead in the night. ’

WINDS CHANGE

‘ i had a lover, but i lost my patience. ’ ‘ i’m gonna get a song on a radio station. ’ ‘ you’ve got a fire, but you just can’t use it. ’ ‘ i lost my way on the other side. i know why, i don’t know when. ’ ‘ from the way we said goodbye, i knew i’d never see you again. ’ ‘ i left my mind in the salt lake city. ’ ‘ i’ve met a lot of men who would call me pretty. ’ ‘ don’t it make you cry, how we’re getting older ? ’ ‘ ride the wind. ’

TURN TO HATE

‘ it’s got an awful bite. ’ ‘ tell me you can stay. ’ ‘ don’t leave, don’t cry. ’ ‘ you’re just another boy caught in the rye. ’ ‘ don’t say goodbye. ’ ‘ i’ve got a head full of nothing and i’m wondering why. ’ ‘ it’s alright. ’ ‘ i’m something of a liar now. ’ ‘ i’ve seen it all before. ’ ‘ tell me you can’t wait. ’ ‘ don’t let my sorrow turn to hate. ’

BUFFALO RUN

‘ i consider it another man’s problem. ’ ‘ i’ve got a sister who knows nothing but violence. ’ ‘ hitch a ride on my violence. ’ ‘ i caught you staring at the sun. ’ ‘ i’m looking out for number one. ’ ‘ i saw the tale on your lips. ’

QUEEN OF THE RODEO

‘ you’re still a stunner. ’ ’ don’t be down, this world is a bummer. ’ ‘ you rode on in with nowhere else to go. ’ ‘ you know the tune, so the words don’t matter. ’ ‘ beyond this town lies a life much sadder. ’ ‘ i know. ’ ‘ you’re hard to ignore. ’ ‘ the night is long, and your days are numbered. ’ ‘ they’re playing your song. ’

KANSAS (REMEMBERS ME NOW)

‘ come and lay down your shoulder. tomorrow isn’t far. ’ ‘ if we don’t get older, just know that you were always my star. ’ ‘ why did you do it ? ’ ‘ if i die, don’t you cry. ’ ‘ it’s the last leg of sunset. ’ ‘ there’s nothing left to hide. ’ ‘ do you regret it? ’

OLD RIVER

‘ there’s snow left on the ground. ’ ‘ the big wind’s blowin all around. ’ ‘ each small bullet makes a sound. ’ ‘ it’s tumbling down. ’

BIG SKY

‘ i fell in love with a rider. ’ ‘ i like you best when you’re not around. ’ ‘ you get me high. ’ ‘ he gets me high. ’ ‘ heartbreak is a warm sensation when all you know is fear. ’ ‘ i visit once in a while when i’m not at sea. ’

ROSES ARE FALLING

‘ winning is fun, losing is too. ’ ‘ roses are falling for you. ’ ‘ there’s an ache inside the hate. ’ ‘ i’ll wait for you. ’ ‘ don’t let me in. i don’t know what i’d do. ’ ‘ you know, darling, you bring out the worst in me. ’ ‘ sometimes when i’m around you, i feel like pure evil. ’ ‘ they say nobody’s perfect, but they’ve never met a devil like you. ’

TAKE YOU BACK (THE IRON HOOF CATTLE CALL)

‘ i’m keen to play with fire. ’ ‘ i’m not so sure... ’ ‘  i’ve seen rattlesnakes behind every door. ’ ‘ i’ve been around this world and now everything’s a bore. ’ ‘ it’d be a cold day in hell when i take you back. ’ ‘ this town has always bored me. ’ ‘ this town has always bored me, and baby, that’s including you. ’ ‘ i know about keeping score. ’ ‘ i’ve got a face of gold, i’ve got a heart of cold, but that’s my cross to bear. ’ ‘ i won’t take you back. ’

HOPE TO DIE

‘ gone is the way we were, just like the days we’d burn. ’ ‘ everything around us would burn. ’ ‘ take me back to the time i was yours and you were mine. ’ ‘ i’m still undone. ’ ‘ i hope to die. ’ ‘ you were crying. ’ ‘ they don’t cry when we’re gone. ’

NOTHING FADES LIKE THE LIGHT

‘ i only ride in the night. ’ ‘ some drown in the warmth of home. ’ ‘ nothing fades like the light. ’ ‘ april showers and june are the same in your eyes. ’ ‘ something tells me you know why i lie. ’ ‘ i know why things change, and i know why i stay the same. ’ ‘ i should learn to cry, but i only learned how to fight. ’ ‘ you only learned how to fight. ’ ‘ i  know everything must die, but nothing fades like the light. ’

[iicewitch]

☕ real boy

a playlist for @stevenrcgers​ link to playlist: here tracklist and favorite lyrics below

1. blood, sweat and tears - bts   Peaches and cream, sweeter than sweet Chocolate cheeks and chocolate wings But your wings are wings of the devil In front of your sweet is bitter bitter 2. brainchild - everything everything A good thing Now you think about it, don't you make it real? The bad thing, maybe it's a feeling I don't want to feel But love is all you need to know But love is all you need to know

3. dumb dumb - red velvet

Like a mannequin Everything is so awkward I should just act like I do normally But whenever I see you, I act so stupid Like my little brother’s robot Everything is so awkward What do I do? I think I’m broken I forgot even how to breathe 4. the zombie song - stephanie mabey And I'd try not to bite and infect you because I'd respect you too much And that's why I'd wait until we got married Oh, and our happiest days would be spent Picking off all your friends and they'd see A love this deep won't stay buried

5. real boy -  lola blanc Every time we touch your hands are colder, colder There's no beating coming from your wooden chest Frozen grin, a mannequin When I get closer I can see the strings there underneath your vest 6. who do you want to be ? - oingo boingo Who do you want to be today? Who do you want to be? I think I'll be a teddy boy, I think I'll be a hunk I think I'll be a tough guy and I think I'll be a punk I might just be a fashion star all dressed in frilly rags Or perhaps, I'll cross the other side and walk around in drag! 7. under my skin - jukebox the ghost I can fit two people under my skin Yeah, I can fit two people under my skin And I will prove it if you will listen You crawled up in there, you joined me within I can feel your heart beating under my skin And the beating of your heart is making me bleed from within 8. mr. capgras encounters a secondhand vanity: tulpamancer's prosopagnosia - will wood and the tapeworms Damn, I thought you’re not your imposter. You’re so sure you’re not gonna get caught! Dead in your own skin, but you didn’t choose what you were born in! And another man in your repertoire, ready in your head and fed upon your memoirs Still the same rules apply from the birthday to the mourning What you feel and what you do; are those things really you? And if not, then what is?  9. breaking out - the protomen If you can hear my voice outside these walls (If you can hear me) If you can hear me sending out this message tonight Then break the silence, send a signal back (If you can hear me) I'm coming, all I need is a little guiding light...

10. roaring 20s - panic at the disco Maybe I'm overjoyed, maybe I'm paranoid Designer me up in straight jackets My tell-tale heart's a hammer in my chest Cut me a silk-tied tourniquet This is my roaring, roaring 20's 11. evelyn evelyn - evelyn evelyn We grew up closer than most Closer than anything, closer than anything Shared our bed and wore the same clothes Talked about everything, spoke about so many things 12. looking glass - the birthday massacre A boyish notion of false emotion These words are spoken despite my love A fool's devotion was set in motion My eyes are open now

13. play dead - the birthday massacre Thinking hurts and thoughts don't rhyme To those of us who've never tried To find a face behind our lipstick smiles And as our pretty faces die Our broken hearts will wonder why The makeup just won't hide the scars of time 14. lets fall in love - mother mother There's a game in the world A little bit of cat and mouse With the boys and the girls And if I had to ante up I'd bet on the birds 'Cause they don't have to walk around With the boys and the girls 15. o my heart - mother mother And I pour my heart a new foundation But it don't set hard it just stays shaking And I scratch my name I scratch my name in But it don't set hard it gets mixed back in Oh my heart, it's a fish out of water  16. body - mother mother Take my teeth, tear through my cheeks And take the nose go and dispose Oh would you go dispose, just go dispose 'Cause I've grown tired of this body A cumbersome and heavy body 

17. touch up - mother mother I am a makeover queen A swan out of duckling Ugly duckling you're drowning In makeup (in makeup) My makeup (my makeup) Has washed off 18. roman holiday - nicki minaj Take your medication, Roman Take a short vacation, Roman, you'll be okay You need to know your station, Roman Some alterations on your clothes and your brain

19. replicant - they might be giants You've got his eyes Same exact smile All that he has All this will be yours  20. happy days - GHOST Oh, it’s painful My heart is quite a mouthful I’ll tear it out for you I’ll be the sacrifice for you Y’know, things could go exactly how you want it I’d be exactly how you want me Use what’s left of my soiled personality I’m all yours, I’ll do anything 21. girls on film - duran duran 'Cause the crowd all love pulling dolly by the hair By the hair And she wonders how she ever got here As she goes under again Girls on film (two minutes later) Girls on film Girls on film (got your picture) Girls on film  22. nobody - mitski And I know no one will save me I'm just asking for a kiss Give me one good movie kiss And I'll be alright Nobody, nobody, nobody 

23. TT - twice I feel like crying, I don’t feel like myself This isn’t like me at all I love you so much Think I’m all grown up now I’m free to make my own choices, but why Why can’t I have it my way The more I try to push you away The more I’m drawn and attracted to you baby 24. in every dream home a heartache - roxy music Your skin is like vinyl The perfect companion You float my new pool De luxe and delightful Inflatable doll My role is to serve you Disposable darling Can't throw you away now 25. the moss - cosmo sheldrake But have you heard the story of the rabbit in the moon? Or the cow that hopped the planets while straddling a spoon Or she, who leapt up mountains, while whistling up a tune And swapped her songs with swallows while riding on a broom 26. green - todrick hall Green! Is a way of life And the millions would kill to see their name up in the lights For the green is okay tonight But be careful what you wish Because you might get what you like 27. guy.exe - superfruit Oh I, wish I could synthesize a picture perfect guy Oh I, oh I Six feet tall and super strong, we'd always get along Alright, alright Oh, he'd pick me up at eight and not a minute late Cause I don't like to wait, no Kind and ain't afraid to cry or treat his momma right 28. the dismemberment song - blue da kid  Well once upon a time that's where the clock begins And right after the end Well, that's right where the plot thins And I've got no angel to keep me in line! So I'm taking your narrative and I'm making it mine! 29. me!me!me! - teddyloid I’ve worked hard for myself - What have you done for yourself? When you notice the scattered pieces of the mirror You’ll realize I wanted you to notice Is this still going on? Is this still happening? Even though I’d been waiting for you Even though I loved you 30. alone together - fall out boy My heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broken Do you wanna feel beautiful, do you wanna, yeah I'm outside the door, invite me in So we can go back and play pretend 31. get busy living or get busy dying - fall out boy This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters But we never stood a chance And I'm not sure if it matters If you are the shores, I am the waves begging for big moons I'm mailing letters to addresses in a ghost town  32. hi it’s me - ashnikko When I'm with you I have amnesia, I'm weaker than before My stupid brain thinks that I need you, I'm eager to hurt more My best friend thinks that I'm a dumbass My dumbass should be a little more cautious I slip up, I text you, I forget That you were so so disrespectful 33. i’m poppy - poppy Welcome to the new world, I'm your internet girl Open up and you'll see, everyone is happy I like your technology, can you put it on me? The future is so pretty, we're living in harmony 34. idola no circus - neru Come, let’s dance all night in our naked bodies We know, we know your true nature Again putting on a fake face, You’re just like a pierrot ! It’s time to put a mask, a mask On your unsociable faced 35. shine - casey lee williams But baby, it's time to make up your mind I think that tonight is when our stars align Honey, it's time to leave the doubt behind Take my hand 'cause you and I are gonna shine 36. one thing - casey lee williams I was nowhere, I had no one, I felt nothing Lost without a voice and on my own Then a candle's flame brought a brand new name But now you've stolen everything And I'm all alone 37. sweetest cure - hugo What the hell am I s'posed to be Choose a world over me Sitting pretty in my mess On the phone I can't confess Word's out somehow You're the sweetest cure I never got to tell you 38. bang bang bang bang - sohodolls Teacher says that I've been naughty I must learn to concentrate But the girls they pull my hair And with the boys I can't relate Daddy says I'm good for nothing Mama says that it's from him Manic sister thinks I'm cracking Brother says it's in my genes 39. helpless - phillipa soo One week later I'm writin' a letter nightly Now my life gets better Every letter that you write me I'm helpless! He's mine, that boy is mine! Look into your eyes And the sky's the limit, I'm Helpless! Helpless! Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em 40. lifeboat - laurence o’ keefe Everyone's pushing Everyone's fighting Storms are approaching There's nowhere to hide If I say the wrong thing Or I wear the wrong outfit They'll throw me right over the side 41. chase the morning - sarah brightman In you is a world of promise We have both been kept in bondage But you can learn from all my failures Let your life be your dream Integrity, honesty, its too late for me Don't look back till your free to chase the morning 42. no reason - leslie kritzer Everything, everything happens for a reason Be a beacon of light in the world Put a little "alright" in the world There are spiritual guides above Look up and see 'em Perception is reality Just listen to the melody the universe sings 'Cause everything, everything happens for a reason 43. i love play rehearsal - stephanie hsu I love play rehearsal 'Cause you are equiped with directions and text Life is easy in rehearsal You follow a script so you know what comes next Anywho, the point that I'm getting to Is sometimes life can't work out in the way It works out in the play 44. your song - elton john And you can tell everybody this is your song It may be quite simple but now that it's done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is while you're in the world 45. the party goes with you - lindsay mendez And when we're dancing nose to nose Darling do you suppose, darling do you suppose This party could be just us two, and I your wife? Oh, oh, the gayest party, sad but true It's true The party goes with you The party goes with you 46. half jack - dresden dolls It's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong You'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too Long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back I'm half Jill and half Jack 47. the secret - pierces Got a secret Can you keep it? Swear, this one you'll save Better lock it in your pocket Takin' this one to the grave If I show you, then I know you Won't tell what I said 'Cause two can keep a secret If one of them is dead 48.  connect - claris My heart awakes in order to depict the future Even if I come to a halt on a tough road The beautiful blue sky always waits for me Therefore I'm not afraid I won't be disheartened anymore no matter what happens 49. simple and clean - hikaru utada Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning Is a little later on Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all Nothing's like before 50. mountains - message to bears  And we could run away Before the light of day You know we always could The mountains say, the mountains say And we could run away Before the light of day You know we always could The mountains say, the mountains say

[mirkwoodshewolf]

The gone but never forgotten queen; Brian May x reader

*Author’s note*

Hey guys well for those who have enjoyed the first couple of parts to “Soulmates through music” I hereby am proud to announce that I have not one but two that’s right TWO chapters for you all. So here my lovely darlings in the long awaited part 2. 

Now just be warned THERE IS SOME ANGST HERE. I tried to do as much medical research as I could so if there is anything I got wrong about it, please please please please please PLEASE inform me, especially if you yourselves suffer through this condition I have written. Other than the swearing contained in here and the angst, there’s nothing else really to be said about warnings. I hope you all enjoy this my darlings and be on the look out for pt.3 coming up shortly :)

Links to other parts.

Part 1     Part 1.5     Part 3       Part 4

Queen Taglist:

@geek-and-proud

__________________________________________________________

*1979*

It was the end of yet another show.  A stage handler handed me a towel and I wiped my forehead and dabbed my cheeks wiping the sweat that was pouring off my face.

“(Y/n) darling you were fantastic out there!” I heard Freddie’s voice praise me as I felt him tackle me from behind in a hug. I laughed and patted his hand as I said.

“Hey just doin as you taught me Fred.” I felt him kiss my cheek and that’s when Roger’s voice piped.

“Oi Brian, I think your wife’s replaced you with Fred!”

“Fuck you Taylor!” I cried out.  He stuck his tongue at me and I flipped him off meanwhile Brian and Deacy soon came into the view and I left Fred’s embrace and went to my husband’s and we kissed each other and I said to him.  “You know you’re the only guy for me right?”

“I would assume so my love.”

“You are never doubt yourself. To me you will always be my Emperor penguin.”

“And you’re my empress penguin.” We kissed each other again as Roger said again.

“God I can’t take this mushy gooey shit another second.”

“One day though Rog you’ll get that girl and then it’ll be our turn to make fun of you.” Brian said as he turned towards the blonde drummer.

In our dressing room we were all back in normal clothes and I was wiping away the makeup from my face when Freddie said.

“Come on darling we’re gonna head on over to the pub around the corner.”  I stopped wiping my makeup away for a brief moment and said as I turned towards the guys.

“You all go on ahead, I’ll catch up with you later.”

“You sure (y/n)?” asked Deacy.

“Yeah. Don’t worry guys I’m fine, now go on I’ll literally be right behind you.”

“Okay if you say so.” It was then Freddie, Roger and Deacy left the dressing room and headed on down to the pub we had passed on our way here.  I turned back towards the mirror and looked down at my hands and rubbed my left wrist as I could feel the numbing pain once more.

I felt two hands rub up and down my biceps and a kiss at my temple.

“Your wrists again dear?”

“Yeah, they’re even more numb than the last show we played at.” I felt Brian take one of my hands as he came around and knelt down beside me.  His long, calloused fingers very softly stroked my hands I turned to look at Brian and he kissed the underside of my wrist up to my palm before saying.

“Perhaps you should take a break from tomorrow night’s performance.”

“Brian this is the 12th show I’ll be missing of the tour. The press is starting to get on my ass on why I’ve been skipping shows, already spilling out lies about me.”

“Darling you know as well as I that the press always want to rile any famous face up, just to get us to really start something and make us seem the bad guys here.”

“I know, god why must they be so horrible to people?”

“That’s a question I wish I had an answer to.” He placed his hand against my cheek and said as he stared into my eyes, “But seriously, as your husband I insist you take tomorrow night’s performance off. Doctor’s orders.”

“But I don’t want to let the guys down. I feel like now I’m just being dead weight by skipping all these shows.”

“You know that they’d never think of you so lowly. They adore you, and they’re worried about you just as much as I am.”

“Well don’t. I think I’m just overexerting myself with all this new music we’ve been creating. Trying to improvise on how certain songs that don’t really need keyboard accompaniment would sound.”

“Just need a bit more rest, give your hands and wrists time to heal.” He finished for me.  I smiled at him and he softly smiled back.  “C’mon, let’s go home.”

“What about the guys?”

“They’ll be fine, you’re my number one priority right now.” Suddenly I was picked up bridal style. I let out a soft shriek and laughed as I said.

“Bri, my legs are fine it’s just my wrists that hurt.”

“But you have been standing all night long, your feet must be killing you my love, the least I can do it give you a lift to your carriage.” I laughed as I shook my head at him and said.

“You silly penguin.”

“Ahh but your silly penguin.” He said as his forehead touched mine, our noses just barely grazing each other’s.

“Yeah, my strong emperor penguin.”

“My beautiful empress penguin.” We Eskimo kissed each other and not once separated until we threw our heads back (think of it like the two penguin love gesture that they do when they nuzzle each other and shake their heads as they throw them back).

The next day while Brian had gone to rehearsals I stayed at the house with the kids and my mum who wanted to visit her two favorite grandchildren.  Almost a year ago, Jimmy had come into the world out of nowhere but we’re ever so grateful for our little boy, and of course little Chloe adores her brother. Even at only a year old she always want to be around him, they take naps together, they play together, eat together, swing on the swings together.

I just hope as they get older it’ll stay that way and that we don’t have to deal with any sibling drama.

Currently I was just fixing up the kid’s lunch as it was getting close to their lunchtime according to the schedule that Brian and I had agreed to while my mum entertained the kids.

“So how have things been going between you and Brian dear?” I heard her ask.

“Great mum. He’s still as humble as the day I met him, I can’t say the same for Roger though.” I teased.  “Okay give me my children mum, it’s lunchtime.”

“Okay my little duckies, you both ready for lunch? You both ready for lunch?” I could hear Chloe babbling cutely and Jimmy clapping his hands.  My mum soon came into the kitchen with both my kids in each arm and I cooed out as I reached for Jimmy.

“You ready to eat my little man huh? You ready to eat?” But as I went to pick him up by his underarms, I felt this sudden shot of agonizing pain.  It was like having a hammer suddenly slam right on your hand without warning or receiving an electrical shot times 50.

I cried out in pain which had my mum worried scared.

“Oh my god (y/n) baby what is it? What hurts?” With all my screaming and crying, it made the kids start to cry too.  My mum set the kids down in their chairs and came over to me and took my hands and placed a bag of frozen peas over them as she tried to soothe me.

Within fifteen minutes after icing them and finally getting the kids to calm down, the shocking pain was gone and replaced with the normal numbness.  My mum sat on the couch feeding Jimmy now after just feeding Chloe.

“How long has this been going on for?” I didn’t answer her.  “(Y/n) (m/n) May you tell me right now or so help me—”

“I don’t know mum, truly I don’t.” Actually that was a lie.  But I’m always been such a convincing person that I can make a lie sound like the truth.

Hell if I’m being honest, I think this pain first started the night Brian, Roger and I met Freddie.  The pain started up around then, it came in short intervals then it wouldn’t happen again for another few months or so.  But it truly started to get this bad shortly after Jimmy was born and of course Brian being the clever person that he is, saw right through my lies and I told him about the pain I’ve been experiencing.

“(Y/n) sweetie I really think you should see a doctor about this.”

“I have mum, the medics always tell me just to ice it, have it be supported at night and hope that it goes away.”

“Well what do those concert medics know? What I just witnessed it seems like they don’t know shit.”

“Mum!”

“I’m sorry but it’s true. I’ll make you an appointment with your father’s physical therapist and see what he says. I’ll even come with you.”

“No mum don’t. I’m not a little girl anymore that’s scared to go to the doctors. I can do it myself. I’ll find someone else to do this, besides somehow the press got a hold of where dad’s therapist clinic was and I don’t want to be bombarded with their bull.”

“Okay darling, promise me you’ll call me and tell me what the doctor will tell you.” My mum asked as she placed a hand on my cheek.

“I promise mum.” I rubbed her arm and kissed it and she wrapped her arm around me and I lay my head on her chest as she kissed the top of my head.

That night I lay there on my empty bed wearing one of Brian’s nightshirts wishing that he was here with me.  Truth is, I’m terrified about what I will find out.  I don’t know if this is some type of new cancer or if something else is truly wrong with me and I could be dying.  I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to leave Brian, Deacy, Rog, Freddie or the kids this soon.

I gripped Brian’s pillow and softly cried into it trying to imagine being in Brian’s arms hoping that would bring me comfort but unfortunately it didn’t and I ended up crying myself to sleep.

The next few days were a blur as I tried to find myself the perfect doctor that wouldn’t spill the beans to the press about what I will find wrong with myself.  It was hard trust me, but I managed to find a perfect candidate; Dr. Stephen Matthews a PCP and neurologist.

I called his office and told him who I was and told him that if I were to meet him then there has to be utter secrecy of what will be discussed between us.  I wanted it to be just him and me in the room at all times, locked doors, blinds shut, everything.  

Amazingly he agreed to the terms and told me that his job was not only to diagnose his patients but also ensure the secrecy of their diagnoses.  It was then I made an appointment with him first thing the next morning.

At 4:30am I woke up and stood in the bathroom getting ready for my appointment.  After getting some makeup on, I then bumped it up a notch and put my hair in a tight bun before placing a wig cap over my head.  Once I had hidden all traces of my normal hair strands, I reached for the short asymmetrical pure black bob wig that sat right there on a mannequin head.

Just to fool around with the press, I still kept in touch with an old friend and my former roommate from University, Nadia Romanoff who was into theatre specifically hair and makeup and let me tell you she was amazing at it.  So amazing that she immediately got hired for the London Shakespearean theater to work for them, now she’s in the film industry in America.

Free of charge and as sorta payback for making me her guinea pig for most of the term that I was there, I had asked her if she could hook me up with some different wigs to which she replied.  So the 10 wigs I keep stored away with my concert attires, are all wigs personally made by her, made from real human hair donated from barbershops for purposes such as Nadia’s.

I placed the wing on top of my head and messed around with it and brushed it out until it looked like I had a completely different hairstyle, especially since I was known for my long (h/c). So with this hairstyle I would just look like another person.  I sighed deeply as I stared at myself in the mirror.

After dropping the kids off at Brian’s mum’s place since she was always an early riser than my own mum was, I drove to Stephen’s clinic. As the sun was starting to rise, I entered inside the clinic and walked down the silent hallway until I reached his office.

We then began doing various tests and x-rays on both hands and of course like all doctors he asked me the basic questions. When did it start? How long has it been going on for? Did I have any family history with this kind of pain, etc.

And it was then at 7:15am when Dr. Matthews came in and sat down in front of me with a file in his hand and he told me exactly what it was that was causing my wrists and hands so much pain.

CTS. Otherwise known as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

Having not heard of this before the first thing I asked him was how long I’ve got to live.  To which he answered that it’s not cancerous or even dangerous, but it’s apparently when there’s a pinched nerve in the wrists are blocked which is why I’ve been experiencing the numbness.

He said sometimes it is caused by over stressing of the wrists whether it was due to sewing, manufacturing, writing, or in my case, piano playing.  He also said some contributing factors to CTS was due to fluid retention during pregnancy or menopause.  He even mentioned that it’s not uncommon because women were three times more likely to get diagnosed with CTS than men were, so he assured me I wasn’t the only woman he’s diagnosed with this problem.

“Do you understand Mrs. May? The—way we go from here you can either continue home remedies such as icing and supporting it as you sleep along with some medications and some braces, or we could operate.”

“What would the operation entail?” I asked him.

“Well it wouldn’t be too excessive, just enough for a neurosurgeon to just cut the ligaments to relieve the pressure, no overnight stay required. But due to the severity and the amount of wait time you’ve had to get this checked out the surgery would pose an even greater risk than had you’d been diagnosed a few years ago.”

“What would happen to me?”

“There’s—a risk of potential nerve damage. There could be a high chance of you never being able to control your fingers specifically your thumbs, index and tall fingers. The choice is all up to you, I’m only just explaining the risks that could happened should you choose the surgical path. If not then it’ll just be home remedies and prescribed medication for the rest of your life to help with the numbness and the pain from spiking up as you had told me about when you tried to pick up your son.” I nodded my head and I asked him.

“Can you give me a couple of days to think it over?”

“Of course, for now I’m going to give you a pharmacy address for where you can pick up your wrist braces, then once you’ve reached a decision call me back and we can discuss on where we go from there.” I thanked him for his time and I walked down the hallway toward the exit.

Just before I could walk out the door, I soon heard someone say to me which echoed through the still empty hallway.

“Dynamite with a laser beam.” I stopped in place and turned to see a woman around my age with a brace on her wrist too.  The corner of my mouth lifted as I responded back to her.

“Guarantee to blow your mind.” Her eyes widened and I smiled softly at her and held my index finger to my lips telling her not to give away our secret.  She smiled at me and I walked out of the clinic and drove back to my step-mum’s house to pick up the kids and take them home.

A week passed and I still hadn’t come to a decision just yet.  I still wore the wrist braces but I was still on the fence about going on medications for the rest of my life or risking a surgery that could mess up my nerves forever.

As I was rocking Jimmy for his afternoon nap, a knock was soon heard at the door.  Jimmy grumbled and fussed at being woken up just as he was about to fall asleep. I sighed heavily vowing to kill whomever it was that was at the door for waking up my stubborn boy.  I reached the door and opened it and I was shocked to see just who was standing on the other side.

“Tim?”

“Hey (y/n), been awhile, hadn’t it?”

“Yeah uhh—” I didn’t know what to say to him.  It’s been god I don’t know almost ten years since I’ve spoken to my brother and now all of a sudden here he is at my doorstep.

“Can—I come in?” he asked.  Normally I would’ve declined this offer but I knew I had to be the adult here, we’re both grown ups now and it’s time to bury the hatchet. Plus he came all this way and it’d be rude for me to just throw him back out on the street.

“Sure, yeah please come in.” I opened the door further for him and led him inside.

We now sat in the parlor and I handed Tim his coffee just like how he liked it; black no sugar.  He set the mug down after having a sip and I held Jimmy close to me trying to get him to go back to sleep.

“Which one is this?” asked Tim.

“This is Jimmy, your nephew. Chloe is currently napping right now. But you can look through that album under the table at Chloe’s baby book.” He nodded and took Chloe’s baby book out and began browsing through it.  He softly smiled and said.

“She looks just like you did when you were first born.”

“That’s what mum said.” Silence rang through the room and that’s when I said, “Tim not that I don’t appreciate you coming here but—why are you here?”

“Mum told me about your diagnoses that your secret doctor gave you, that CST.”

“CTS.” I corrected him.

“Right. Back when I got into Humpy Bong our pianist was diagnosed with it as well, completely ruined him. So much so that he thought he had no meaning left and he actually overdosed. When mum told me that you had it I—I just wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna…..you know.”

“Tim…..”

“I know that I haven’t been the best brother to you, hell I was a total wanker to you growing up. Pushing you too hard, I feel like this is my fault and I just….”

“Tim stop.” I told him.  He looked up at me and I sighed deeply before saying calmly, “I don’t want you to feel guilty or anything. There’s no reason you should even feel guilt. Well I could let you but I’m a mother now and I want to teach my kids that holding grudges never solves anything.” Tim choked out a laugh and I continued, “But what I do ask of you is that you don’t feel sorry for me, okay? I don’t want any sympathy or frowns or even tears about this. Stuff like this just happens, and for women it’s more common why that is I have no idea. Wish it didn’t but it does for whatever goddamn reason.”

“I want to make things right between us. So if you need anything, and I mean anything at all. You know you can always call me, right?” I smiled softly at him.

Seeing the soft look in his eyes, that’s all I’ve ever wanted from Tim.  His acceptance and the true love of what an older brother is.

“Thank you Tim. You have no idea how long I’ve waited to here you say those words.”

“I should’ve said them to you from the beginning. I failed you as a brother, but I want to make things right now. Will—will you give me another chance?” I looked at my brother and softly smiled at him.

Suddenly the front door opened again and I heard a familiar voice call out.

“Darling we’re home!” Soon the boys came around the corner of the house and when they saw Tim, both Brian and Roger were shocked to see him after all this time.

“Tim.” Muttered Brian.

“Brian, Rog, long time no see huh? Good to see you all have made a good name for yourselves.” Answered Tim.

“He’s not bothering you, is he (y/n)?” asked Roger succumbing to his protective instincts that he’s had towards me.

“Calm down Rog, everything’s good. I invited him over, felt like he deserved to meet his nephew and niece. A visit that was long overdue, right Tim?” he turned toward me and he went along with it.

“Yeah. But I don’t wish to impose any longer, I’ll see myself out.”

“Nonsense. I’m just about to start dinner, why don’t you stay?” I said to him.  Tim looked at me unsure but I gave him an assuring look telling him that there was no way he was getting away that easily.

“If that’s alright with you lads.” It was then Brian spoke up.

“I don’t mind. You did come all this way, plus you do deserve the chance to meet your niece and nephew face to face. Where’s Chloe at love?”

“She’s napping, though it is around the time she should be waking up. Why don’t you go get her Brian?” He nodded then went upstairs to go get Chloe.

“I can take him if you’d like (y/n).” said Deacy.

“Thanks John.” I handed him my son and I went over to the kitchen and that’s when Freddie and Roger came in and they asked if I needed some help.

I asked Fred to help me with some of the cooking while I had Roger set up the table.  After that boiled egg incident at Ridge farm, I vowed to never let Roger near a kitchen stove ever again so setting up the table is what he’ll be stuck with.  Once the pasta was ready, we all set down to a family dinner and I was told by the guys that they officially had a week break to rest up before they would head to America to finish up the tour.

So throughout the night it was spent just catching up and for the first time, Tim and I began to connect with each other as brother and sister.

Later that night after everyone had left the house and Brian went to bed, I silently slipped out of the bed and headed into the kitchen to make the phone call that I had been denying myself.  I held the phone to my ear and waited for it to ring before finally I heard his voice on the other line.

“Dr. Matthews it’s (Y/n) May. I’ve made my decision.”

A few days later with the help of Dr. Matthews, he gave me the prescribed pills that I would need to take twice a day one in the morning and one at night before I go to bed.  I kept the pills hidden so well that not even Brian would be able to find them or even suspect anything. The American tour dates were fast approaching so after the boys had their week’s rest it was time to get back in the game, and this time I was tagging along with them once more.

We were currently rehearsing “We are the Champions” and I was at the piano.  We were at the second chorus and I was doing good so far, the boys giving it their all and Freddie singing his heart out almost as if this rehearsal room was full of people instead of just us five.  

But by the second transition when the chorus needed to repeat, my wrists flared up even with the braces on and I missed a key. Which caused me to slam down the left side keys of the piano before leaning my head against my hands and holding them together trying to get the pain to stop.

“Yep, let’s call it.” I heard Deacy say as everyone stopped playing and agreed.

“Sorry. I played like shit.” I complimented as I shut the lid protecting the keys.  “You boys are lovely, sounded good.” I told them as I spun around from the piano bench as I saw the boys packing up their stuff.  “God if Elton heard me play like that he’d slap my hands like a Catholic professor.” Which made the boys chuckle.

“No worries darling, we’ve still got three days till we head out for America.” Freddie said as he took a sip of his beer.

“We’re in a good place love, your hands just need a bit more rest. That’s all.” Brian said as he stood before me and took one of my hands and stroked the brace. “How ‘bout when we get home, I give your wrists the proper massage, hmm?”

“Sounds divine my love.” I said lovingly to him. He smiled softly and pecked my lips before joining the guys in the back.

“You fancy a drink Rog?” I heard Freddie ask.

“Yeah there’s that’s new pub they just opened that I’ve been wanting to check out.”

“Can I come?” Brian asked.

“(Y/n) can, you cannot.” Deacy answered.

“Yeah exclusive invite only.” Said Roger.

“Sorry darling reservations in advance, (y/n) got hers in before you did.”

“Okay screw all of you. I see how it is.” Finally I decided it was time.

“Before we leave; do you all have a second?” I said as I stood before them and looked at my four boys.

“Of course darling, what’s up?” asked Brian. I took a deep breath before stating bluntly and right then and there.

“I’ve got CTS.” Everyone looked at me confused as Deacy questioned.

“What’s CTS?”

“Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.” It was then the expressions on Freddie’s, Roger’s, Deacy’s and Brian’s turned to shock.  “It’s when my wrists suddenly flare up in numbness or pain, that’s why my piano playing has been shitty lately, and the reason for the pain I’ve been experiencing these past couple of years.”

“(Y/n) dear I—I’m so sorry…..”

“Freddie stop. Don’t you dare.”  I looked down at my wrists before looking back at the boys and said, “Right now, there’s only 7 people who know about this, okay just 7. You four, my mum, brother and of course Dr. Matthews. Now I don’t want to hear any sympathy, see any frowning or bitching about how I should continue to take breaks. Because all that’ll be is just wasted time, time that I can spend playing alongside my boys.”

Each of them looked at me with faint tears in their eyes or looks of awe.

“This tour means everything to me now, because—I’ve come to the painful decision and it kills me to even say this but I know that if I continue to deny my health, then I’ll never use my hands to even be able to hold my children or any future children I may have.” I now stood by the piano stroking the smooth, cold black top, I took a deep breath and announced, “By the end of the year, I’m resigning myself from the band.”

At that announcement, the boys looked at me in shock.

“But until then, I’m not going to be what the press will refer to me as in the future. The “female shadow”, the “Forgotten Queen of Queen”. No, I decide who I am. And I’m going to go out being what I was born to be. A pianist, who deserves to be amongst the greatest piano players in history. Beethoven and Mozart, those classical bitches haven’t got a thing on me. (Y/n) (m/n) May.”

My boys looked at me with sad smiles, eyes of amazement and gentle nods.

“You’re the true queen of Queen (y/n).” said Roger softly.  I smiled and lowered my head and said.

“You’re damn right I am. We’re all queens. But you’re right, I am the true queen out of all of us.” The boys softly laughed and I told them.

“Now you all just give me time to get these bitchy little wrists back into shape, and we’ll make sure that any other tour you four will continue on in the future, won’t compare to the one we’ll give them in just three days.” They all nodded.

I walked towards them and we all got into a group hug and couldn’t help myself.

“And even though you four are crying like little girl scouts, I still love you boys.”

“Alright enough of this!” Proclaimed Freddie.  It was then they tried to re-masculate themselves up by talking about how many drinks they were gonna get.  I then cried out to them that there was nothing wrong with being sensitive but they elected to ignore what I was saying and tried to be “real men again”.

That night as I was getting into bed, I stared at my left wrist brace and sighed solemnly when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me.  A mess of soft curls tickled my neck as I felt kisses going up my neck.

“Have you taken your pills for tonight darling?” Brian asked.

“Yes mum.” I teased him.  I turned to face him and he looked down at me solemnly.  I looked up at him and said, “I thought I said I didn’t want to see any frowning about this?”

“I know I’m sorry. I just—I just wish I could take this pain away from you. I’m your husband, I’m supposed to protect you from everything.”

“You know I can take care of myself.”

“I know. But still I wish I had seen the signs. I could’ve….”

“Brian, none of this was your fault. You didn’t give this to me, things like this just—happen. And I wish it didn’t happen to me, but I pushed myself too far to achieve the dream and now I’m paying the price for it. The only one who should be blamed is me.” He stroked my cheek with his thumb and I leaned into his palm.

“You don’t have to be strong right now.” He whispered.  I looked up at him and just one look into those blue eyes broke me.  Tears ran down my face and Brian pulled me close to him and for the first time since my CTS diagnoses, I finally released all the anger, pain, heartbreak and sorrow I had built inside of myself.

I maybe acting crazy right now, and you all maybe thinking why go back and forth between acting so strong and talking so big, to breaking down like a child in my husband’s arms.

Well I’m finally in the prime of my life of a successful career, I’ve finally reached my dream of becoming a kickass pianist for the hottest band in the world.  But now it all came crashing down with this diagnosis and because of my arrogance and ignorance, I’ve costed myself this dream.

And to a pianist not being able to play the instrument they were born to play, that’s a fate worse than death.

Brian spoke not a word because at this point no words could heal the anguish that I was feeling inside at this very moment.  All he did was hold me as tight as he could, allowing me to release my pain in any way that I wanted to.  Eventually I had managed to vent myself out to the point of exhaustion.

Brian adjusted himself on the bed but not once broke his embrace on me.  He stroked my hair and I felt a kiss at the crown of my head and the last thing I heard him say before I fell asleep.

“You’re a fighter my love, my proud fighter.”

The tour in America continued as planned.  When it came time for the concerts, Fred actually sat beside me and the two of us would play a song together and if a pain flare grew too much for my braces, then I would stop and allow Freddie to continue, and when I felt lime it I’d come back and he’d back off and go back to doing his thing on stage.

In a way it worked out wonderfully, almost like it was a complete rehearsed tid-bit of us playing together then allowing one or the other to play solo before coming back as a duet.

All too soon, the year was coming to an end and not only that but it was also the end of another decade.  The 70’s after tonight would forever be behind us leading us into the 1980’s and god knows what was going to happen then.

I was currently sitting down with Miami as well as mine and Brian’s personal lawyer.  I had officially agreed to give a public statement of my condition to the public just so that way everyone knows about my CTS and the press don’t make up some bullshit story of me causing drama for the band just because I’ve decided to call it quits.

“Okay so Mrs. May you have officially agreed to point out that ‘I (Y/n) May have chosen to resign myself from the band Queen due to medical reasons. I wish to bring up the fact that I have been diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and that is my sole reason for leaving the band’ is that correct?”

“Yes Graham, that is correct.”

“You also wish to ‘ensure that this has nothing to do with creative differenced. This is solely for my health and for the benefit of the band.’”

“Yes.” I answered bluntly as I rubbed my right wrist. He wrote down a few more things and he said as he closed up his file.

“Okay, that’s that. This will be released to the press first thing in the morning.” I didn’t speak another word to him as he left leaving me and Miami alone.

“You sure about this love?” he asked me.

“If I keep pushing myself at this rate, I’ll risk an even greater risk of my CTS flares. It’s for the best, and I don’t want to bring Queen down because of it.”

“Okay, we’ll miss you.”

“And I’ll miss you all, promise me you’ll take care of them for me Jim. You know how they can be.”

“You have my word, it’s been an honor seeing you perform (y/n).” He held out his hand and we both shook on it and said.

“Thank you for being probably one of the nicest lawyers we’ve ever had.” It was then I kissed his cheek and hugged him and he instantly hugged me back.  He patted my back and I held him tighter.

And just like Graham said, at the start of the New Year, the news was eating up my departure from Queen like wolves on a carcass. Every single news channel was talking about it, the tabloids blew up pictures of me along with the boys as a ripped up image representing me splitting from the band to make it seem more dramatic than it was.

The paparazzi were circling outside just waiting for me to come out just so they could hound me with questions.  I couldn’t even take my children out to the backyard to play outside or swing on the swings with them without risking them being exposed to the wolves outside.

I heard the door open and quickly shut and heard Brian’s voice say.

“Bloody hell they just don’t know boundaries whatsoever.”

“They never have darling, trust me remember that one bastard who actually managed to cup my arse that one time in Preston?”

“Boy do I. Roger and I nearly killed him right then and there for doing that to you.” He closed the blinds and sighed exasperatedly as he sat down beside me on the couch.

“Do you think I did the right thing?” I asked. Brian looked at me and I continued, “Releasing my leaving to the public? Did I do the right thing?”

“You did what you felt was right darling, it’s better they know it’s for a medical reason rather than whatever bullshit drama they can think of.”

“But I feel like I’m just causing more drama for you and the boys. I never wanted that to happen, I mean some of the tabloids are saying that I left because of my ‘womanly drama’ what the fuck is wrong with them?!”

“I wish I knew but (y/n) look at me,” I turned to him and I felt him grip my hands tightly yet lovingly in both of his and felt his thumbs stroke the back of my hands and along my wrists as he said, “Just know that the lads and I know the real truth. That we first heard it from you first about all this instead of reading about it in the tabloids. And fuck what some of them are writing, fuck them. Because they don’t know what you’re going through right now. But I do, so does Deacy, Roger, Freddie, your family. And that’s enough.”

“How did I ever deserve you Brian Harold May?” I asked. He smiled and pressed his forehead against mine as he said.

“Actually it’s the other way around my love.” I smiled as he brought his nose against mine and we Eskimo kissed before doing our little penguin nuzzle.  He then kissed my forehead and for the rest of the morning we just cuddled on the couch.

Later that day it was almost sunset and I was just setting Jimmy down for bed when I decided to just sit around and wait for Brian to return back from the studio.  I tried to find something to watch but all I could see was my face up on almost every bloody channel.

So I gave up on TV and just settled for a movie instead, I popped in Star Wars when I heard the door open and I heard Roger’s as well as Freddie’s voice.

“My lovely darling!” Freddie’s voice cried out. I shushed him and said.

“Fred I just put Jimmy and Chloe to bed.”

“Oh sorry dear, hope I didn’t wake the mini penguins.” He apologized. I rolled my eyes and that’s when I noticed the presents, in Freddie and Roger’s hands, a cake in Deacy’s and a bottle of champagne in Brian’s.

“What’s all this?”

“Well we’ve talked it over at the studio today and we felt like we needed to properly give our true queen of Queen a farewell party. Just to make sure she is never forgotten by the band, nor will she ever be forgotten.” Said Roger.

“So we cut rehearsal time today and we went out and got you these,” Freddie said as he gestured to all the things they bought.

“We tried baking a cake but we should’ve known that you are the true baker of the band, so we had to resort to a store bought cake.” Said Deacy.

“Awww you guys…..I can’t believe you would do this for me.”

“Better believe it darling. Though we still expect to see you at some rehearsals, still go to our concerts to support us and weekly updates on your recovery.” Fred said as he came up and wrapped an arm around my shoulders bringing me close to him.

“When I can find time in my busy schedule, you’ve got yourself a deal Mr. Mercury.” He gave me a one armed hug and kissed my temple and soon the celebration began.

The whole night was spent drinking, chatting and I was given special gifts from the guys.  Freddie had bought me a new jacket he had seen at the store and thought one person had to have it, Roger gave me the new David Bowie vinyl that I have had my eye on but never had the time to buy it, Deacy got me the new Elton John vinyl and he even got to have it signed by Elton himself.  It read.

My lovely (y/n),

Even though your CTS has stopped you in your tracks, never lose that passion for music. You are a firecracker and a worthy apprentice. Thank you for all that you’ve taught me and may our paths cross again soon.

Love and kisses,

Elton.

I got a little tear eyed and made a note to myself to give Elton a call later and tell him thank you for the lovely message. And Brian my ever so lovely spoiling husband gifted me with a brand new necklace with matching set earrings.  He also promised me another gift but that was for after the boys left to which the guys all gagged and mocked Brian.

I wiped away a tear falling down my face and that’s when Deacy noticed and said.

“What’s wrong (n/n)?” The guys turned their attention to me and I sniffled and said.

“Nothing. It’s just….I love you guys so much, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” They all awed at me and brought me in the middle of a group hug and that’s when Brian said.

“Better get used to it love, because even though you’re leaving the band, you’ll always be stuck with us.”

“I can live with that.” I chuckled as the guys hugged me tighter.

My name is (Y/n) May, from 1968-1979 I was a rock star.  In 1970 I became the pianist and keyboardist for a group that changed from Smile to Queen all thanks to Freddie Mercury.  Through Queen I wrote many great hit songs;

Keep yourself alive (co-written with Brian May)

March of the Black Queen

Killer Queen (music by me, lyrics by Freddie)

We will rock you

Somebody to Love

It was also through Queen that I met the love of my life and the father of my children.  It was through Queen I got to confess my love to Brian and thanks to that, I will teach my legacy to my children.

For I maybe gone from the band, but I know I will never be forgotten.  The true queen of Queen.

[tomimagines]

Touch Me There

Characters: Tom Holland - Y/N

Notes: Now this is gonna be a somewhat different type of imagine; an interactive one. There are two songs I want you guys to listen to when indicated- the first one is up to you but I strongly recommend listening to the second one so the experience feels more whole. I also recommend using headphones and even boosting up your bass settings lol Also! The second song might be repeated twice, but that’s up to you. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know which one I’m talking about. I hope you guys enjoy!

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You and your friends laugh after yet another guy gets rejected when he asks to dance with one of you. It’s the type of night where you’re here to drink and dance and just enjoy each other’s company.

The music is loud, loud enough that you can feel every beat in your chest. It’s dark except for the constant flashing of lights in different colors. Everyone is singing along and jumping, dancing together. The drinks keep flowing but you take your time downing them. You’d rather enjoy this night with a clear head.

Someone taps your shoulder and you roll your eyes when you see that it’s another stranger asking for your attention. You can’t hear what he’s mouthing but his hand signals, pointing to you and then to him, speak loudly enough. You shake your head and shout, “No, thank you! I’m with friends!”

He nods and gives you a thumbs up before he moves on. You smile and appreciate the fact that there’s at least one guy here who respects a woman’s choice.

A new song begins to play and you literally scream when you realize it’s one of your favorites. ‘Hit This Hard’ by Post Malone begins to pump through the walls and your body begins to move with the beat. (Listen now.) Your hands are up in the air and you shout the lyrics along with everyone else. You laugh, enjoying every moment.  

“You need another drink?” One of your friends shouts into your ear.

You nod, still dancing, and hand her your empty glass. You watch her as she pushes past the throng of people just to make sure she reaches the bar safely.

And then your eyes meet his.

You stop dancing, his gaze making your whole world stop. You get the feeling that you’ve seen him somewhere before but you can’t remember from where. He’s leaning against the bar, his elbow perched on top of it. He’s holding a glass of his own with just his fingertips. You glance back at his face and even with the distance, you see him smile. It wasn’t a smirk, but a smile. An acknowledgement.

You look away immediately, feeling completely nervous all of a sudden. Was he watching you? For how long?  You look back in the direction where he was standing but he’s disappeared. You pout, surprised at yourself for the pang of disappointment that you feel in your chest.

***

Tom’s POV:

Music and drinks.

That’s really the only reason I even agreed to come down with my brothers to this club. It’s been one hell of a month- no, actually, it’s been one hell of a year. I wasn’t about to deny a chance to hang out with my brothers before I have to leave again.

Music and drinks. That’s what I came here for.

But then her smile catches my eye. I gaze as she laughs with her friends. As she sips her drink. As she rejects a guy, whom I’m sure just asked her to dance. The poor bastard.

I keep watching her, completely unaware that I probably look like a creep right now. A  new song starts to blast through the speakers and the way her face lights up has me loving the song already.

She begins to dance, slow and sensual to match the rhythm of the song. Her hips sway back and forth, her hands up in the air. She’s singing along with her eyes closed and I’m in a trance, one I don’t ever want to stop.

It’s not even about the way she looks or what she’s wearing; it’s the fact that she’s here to enjoy herself with music and friends. She could be dancing on any guy right now but she refuses to. It makes me wonder if she’d refused me if I even dared to ask.

I feel Harry or Sam nudge my shoulder but I just wave them off. One of the girls who was dancing with her starts to make her way to the bar and I quickly try to think of what to do. Should I ask her friend who she is? Or should I send her friend back with a message?

I don’t even get the chance to decide when her eyes lock with mine. The hairs behind my neck stand on end. I take a deep breath to try to maintain my cool while my mind goes into overdrive.

Should I wave? What if she rejects me like she did to that old bloke?

I try to smile but I can’t feel any part of my body. She smiles back, briefly, before she looks down at her feet.

Shit. Did I fuck up?

I stand up and start to take a step in her direction when someone grabs my arm.

“They’re asking for you up in the booth!” Harry screams into my ear. “The owner of this place!”

I curse the owner for ruining this perfect chance. I glance over at her, just to have another look in her eyes but... she’s gone.

***

Your POV:

Your friends drag you across the crowd of people until you stand together at the edge of the dance floor. You’re all giggly and too energetic, the alcohol starting its effect.

Even though you told yourself that this was a night for just you and your friends, you can’t help glancing around to see his face. You can’t ignore the hope that he may have followed you. He takes over your thoughts and your friends’ voices become muted as you begin to look from corner to corner of the building just for him.

Is it possible to have formed such a strong connection with someone you never even talked to? The feeling he has created in you is something you’ve never felt before and you want more of it.

You want him.

It’s like the flashing lights gods hear you as one of them slides over a face on the second floor. You recognize him immediately and your heart jumps with excitement.

He’s leaning over the balcony that looks over the main dance floor. His eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes are roaming everywhere.

Is he looking for you?

Keeping your eyes glued to his face, you begin to move forward onto the dance floor. You don’t even tell your friends, your only focus being on him. You push further and further until you’re at the center.

Just in time, a new song begins to play. ‘A Little Death’ by The Neighbourhood fills up the room and it consumes you. (Listen now.) Your body gives in and begins to move. You close your eyes and just dance on your own, the bodies of people creating a sort of circle around you. You raise your hands and run your fingers through your hair before sliding them down to your neck.

You hope against all hope that he finds you.

***

Tom’s POV:

After quick hello’s and more drinks, I distance myself from the already drunk group that surround the owner. I walk to edge and find myself on a balcony where the whole club becomes my view. The flashing lights bounce off the walls and the bodies all moving against one another.

I take a slow gulp of my drink and set it down on a random tray. I perch myself against the railing and gaze down at the dance floor.

Immediately, I start looking for her. I hope she hasn’t left. I look from face to face, trying to find hers but with no luck. She’s nowhere to be found and I find myself slowly getting pissed and frustrated with myself for not approaching her sooner.

I start to give up when the music changes tempo and the new song that starts is slower. For some reason, I have the urge to stay and keep looking. I search once again and it’s like she was made to stand out from everyone.

She’s by herself. No friends. She’s dancing once again but she’s doing something with her hands that almost has me adjusting myself in my pants.

Her hands push her hair back and then they move down to her exposed neck. They continue their lucky path down her chest until they reach her hips and I’m already darting down the stairs, skipping steps to get to her quicker.

I keep my sight on her as I literally push people out of my way. I’m not going to let anybody or anything ruin this chance for me.

***

Your POV:

You feel heat overcome your body and your heartbeat accelerates rapidly. You bite your lip just thinking that maybe he’s there. Watching you.

She sought death on a queen-sized bed

And he had said, “Darling, your looks can kill

So now you’re dead"

You open your eyes and all the air escapes from your lungs.

He’s standing in front of you. His eyes are brighter than the lights dancing around you.

You’re not sure what to do but you do know you want him to touch you. You want to make sure he’s real and this is really happening.

You smile sweetly and slowly turn around so that your back faces him. You stare straight forward until you feel his body come up to yours. His breaths are warm against your neck. His fingertips graze the top of your arms and slowly slide down, his fingers intertwining with yours.

You gradually begin to move your hips against him and it’s like the music and the sounds around you unmute. You’re impressed at how well he moves with you. He squeezes your fingers before letting them go. He places his hands on your waist and guides you.

Since your hands are free, you reach up behind you and put them behind his head. He takes one side of your hair and places it on the other side, completely exposing your neck. The hands on your waist pull you closer to him so your whole back is covered by him.

You sense the tip of his nose skim the side of your neck before he plants a soft kiss on your skin. You’re pretty sure you moaned but the music drowned it out.

You drop your hands down to grab onto his and guide them down your thighs, your hips still glued together, swaying to the music. Somehow, he manages to turn you around so that you’re facing each other.

His eyes are dark now and you recognize the feeling they show since they might be reflecting your own. You reach out and run your fingers through his hair, pushing that one loose strand back. His hand comes up to your face and his thumb caresses your bottom lip so gently, you wonder if he even touched it. You dare to let your tongue peek out and lightly touch his thumb.

His eyes suddenly dilate and his hand slides to the back of your head. He pulls you towards him and your mouths make contact.

Through the fogginess of his taste on your mouth, you marvel at the thought that you don’t even know his name but one thing you do know for sure; you are completely and undoubtedly in love with him.

[aristotleblinked]

Massive Musical Medley part 3

For @balloonarcade  

This is dedicated to Hypothesis‘s : Shockwave. It’s a great fic, if you haven’t checked it out yet, do it! This will still be here waiting for you to finish.

I would like to apologize in advance. These are not lighthearted listening tunes. This is about Shockwave, and he’s a ghastly guy, proceed with caution.

Heed the warnings!

This set has Surgical Procedures, Animal death, and Rape!

Youtube Side A

Youtube Side B

Below are links to individual videos, lyrics, and notes.

Instrumentals :

It’s starts off passionately, mechanical beeping interrupts, then it changes.You still get flashes of what the song used to be. This one knows how to put on a show. Grandiose.

Emilie Autumn - A Strange Device

It starts out plaintive, becomes firm and resolute. It knows what it’s doing.

Matmos- California Rhinoplasty

*WARNING* This song contains noises from a surgical procedure!

It is about as pleasant as the name implies. It has a peppy upbeat undertone to it. Someone has gotten what they wanted.

Kerridge - Chant

 It sounds like it’s been hollowed out. It rattles like a train on its tracks.

Arca- Mutant

Best listened to with head phones. There’s something quite sickly about this one. It shudders like a struck bell.

Matthew Herbert - August 2010

*WARNING* The musician sampled the sounds from a pig, birth till death. Including the eating noises.

The blood has been drained from my body. I can’t.

Unsavory. He doesn’t care for animals.

Kerridge   Death Is Upon Us

This has the banging echo you might hear in a lab. Implacable, unstoppable. It rolls over you with the weight of a tank. You will be dragged under its wheels.

Celldweller - Subterra

If this belonged to a video game it would be a final boss fight. Grand and imposing.

Classical :

Honestly upsetting. It starts out quiet, you can hear noises distantly, getting closer. There are people singing distressed, until they are silenced with a clang. After some unpleasant brass playing, you hear tinkling and some soft singing. This is something that slithers into your ear.

Kurtag- Stele

It is soft, and quiet, until it is not. Thrashing.

Scelsi - String Trio

Eerie. It echos into your mind. There is no place safe, not here.

Lutoslawski - Funeral Music

It’s starts out slow, then it cycles the tension higher. Invasive.

Ligeti- Volumina

It’s thick, rushes at you. A waterfall with few air pockets to be found. It gets silent, you think for a moment it’s finally over, but it’s not finished. You try to make sense of the cacophony, but you can’t. Disorienting.

Schnitkke - Concerto for Piano and Strings

This is like being thrown the the stairs head first. Did you this to yourself? It’s hard to remember.

Penderecki- Polymorphia

This is the sound of many legs, crawling after you. It’s sickening.

George Crumb - Black Angels

Discordant and unnerving. Something terrible comes this way.

Penderecki- Threnody to the Victims of Hiroshima

The violins are screaming. Somehow it keeps getting worse. Is this music?

Vocalists :

I paced around for hours, I'm empty I jumped at the slightest of sounds And I couldn't stand the person inside me I turned all the mirrors around I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones And all the kids cried out "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy Goddamn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control?

Boards Of Canada:The Devil Is In The Details

(This one is messed up. I really am sorry.)

Letting my voice flow into your mind. You don't need to concentrate, Just gently as you go. Suggestions are going into your unconscious mind.

The Paper Chase:I Did A Terrible Thing

I did a terrible thing When I monkey-wrenched your circuitry. And when they finally got to me, I had built a monster worse than me, And far worse than you. And I have become such an ungrateful man - Just to hear those words you whispered out, And I snickered in between. The check point, the boot hill, the ass in me Says some things still best left unsheathed, Or out come the knives.

Fever Ray:If I Had A Heart

This will never end 'cause I want more More, give me more, give me more If I had a heart I could love you If I had a voice I would sing After the night when I wake up I'll see what tomorrow brings

The Bad Plus:How Deep Is Your Love

How deep is your love 'Cause we're living in a world of fools Breaking us down when they all should let us be We belong to you and me

And you may not think I care for you When you know down inside that I really do And it's me you need to show

Deftones:Change (In The House Of Flies)

I watched a change in you It's like you never had wings Now you feel so alive I've watched you change I took you home Set you on the glass I pulled off your wings Then I laughed

Doomtree:The Grand Experiment

They get in a rush in a haze but I get out of mind, out of body, out of pocket I don't mind putting on a bit of mileage, but I won't auto pilot with my eyelids shut I'm still gunning, but I learned what's worth hunting And I learned what's worth nothing Saw it Read it Outdone it

There's no escape They always looking for that easy out But there's nowhere to go

Marina And The Diamonds:Numb #

One track mind like a goldfish Stuck inside my petri dish I can't breathe and I can't smile This better be worth my while

Ooh, I get dark, oh, and I'm in hell I need a friend, ooh, but I can't yell Yeah, I'm no good, no good to anyone 'Cause all I care about is being number one Shine, looking for the golden light Oh it's a reasonable sacrifice Shine, looking for the golden light Oh it's a reasonable sacrifice Sacrifice

Phantogram:Destroyer

Empty, heavy eyes

Drift away to my heaven Whatever waits inside I'm just a ghost you think you know Was there something that you wanted to say? Goodbye My time has come My head is falling off I can kill you all And finally be alone

Keaton Henson:Beekeeper

Your friends Your friends will always just be in your way Trust me They'll die or leave you, either way Either way You all say I've crossed a line But the sad fact is I've lost my mind You all say I've crossed a line But the sad fact is I've lost my mind And I'm just getting started, let me offend The devil's got nothing on me my friend All I want is to be left alone Tact from me is like blood from a stone

Depeche Mode:A Pain That I'm Used To

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore I just know that I'm harder to console I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me But the key is a question of control

There's a hole in your soul like an animal With no conscience, repentance unknown Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise Devils feed on the seeds that are sown

Natalie Merchant:My Skin

Take a look at my body Look at my hands There's so much here That I don't understand

Contempt loves the silence It thrives in the dark With fine winding tendrils That strangle the heart

I'm a slow dying flower Frost killing hour The sweet turning sour And untouchable

Patrick Wolf:Don't Say No

I used to say just follow your heart But my heart always led me in circles And I used to say just follow your dreams But my dreams always led me to murder

Don't say no to it You can't say no to it Just throw yourself in Just give yourself in To the pattern

 Pentatonix:Run To You #

I've been settling scores I've been fighting so long But I've lost your war And our kingdom is gone How shall I win back Your heart which was mine I have broken bones and tattered clothes I've run out of time I'll run, I'll run, I'll run, run to you I'll run, I'll run, I'll run, run to you

For King & Country:It's Not Over Yet #

It's like a constant war And you want to settle that score But you're bruised and beaten And you feel defeated

Keep on fighting Out of the dark Into the light It's not over Hope is rising Never give in Never give up It's not over

The Xx:Brave For You #

In all I know And what I've done I take you along Though you're not here I can feel you there I take you along And when I'm scared I imagine you're there Telling me to be brave

There are things I wish I didn't know I try my best to let them go

Vanessa Carlton:Come Undone #

I've seen myself in a thousand faces Strung out on life's path I would add up what you mean to me But I cannot do the math And this fashionista's garden party Well I had enough of that 'Cause the only one I come undone for is you Yes the only one I come undone But I'm a special lover sometimes But you only touch a ghost I'm a sycophantic courtier with an elegant riposte And needless to say you're the one that I need the most

The Xx:Angels #

Light reflects from your shadow It is more than I thought could exist You move through the room Like breathing was easy If someone believed me They would be as in love with you as I am They would be as in love with you as I am They would be as in love with you as I am They would be in love, love, love

Pentatonix:Can't Help Falling In Love #

Like a river flows, surely to the sea, Darling so it goes, Some things are meant to be. Take my hand, take my whole life too. But I can't help falling in love with you.

Jetfire and Jetstorm 

Side B

I woke up and he was screaming, I'd left him dreaming. I'll roll over and shake him tightly And whisper, 'If they want you, they're gonna have to fight me. Oh fight me.'

The Joy Formidable:Silent Treatment

I'll wait up watching time You tumble home Safe inside Twisted now, but at the time No fears, a treasured prize

I'll take a quiet leave it But I'm hot-wired, quick-feelinged So I'll take the silent treatment I'll take the silent treatment

Panic! At The Disco:Always

When the world gets too heavy Put it on my back I'll be your levy You are taking me apart Like bad glue On a get well card

I'm a fly that's trapped In a web But I'm thinking that My spider's dead Oh, lonely, lonely little life I could kid myself in Thinking that I'm fine...

Woodkid:I Love You

Whatever I feel for you You only seem to care about you Is there any chance you could see me too? 'Cause I love you

As we were dancing in the blue I was synchronized with you But now the sound of love is out of tune

 The Antlers:Epilogue #

So I lie down against your back, until we're both back in the hospital But now it's not a cancer ward, we're sleeping in the morgue Men and women in blue and white, they are singing all around you With heavy shovels holding earth, you're being buried to your neck In that hospital bed, being buried quite alive now I'm trying to dig you out but all you want's to be buried there together You're screaming and cursing And angry and hurting me And then smiling and crying Apologizing

Mary Lambert:Wounded Animal #

I carried your heart like a wounded animal, soft I kept my condolences to myself, soft I spent my last hours defending how I fell I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't try harder I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't try at all I lost myself when I found you in the fall, I left it all I lost myself when I found you in the fall, I left it all

Sharon Van Etten:Don't Do It #

Say it outright that you don't want to see me tonight And you won't if you don't want to Hide it from me if you must hide it from me If you don't trust anything I say right to you And you want to do it, if you want to do it You will if you want to And you want to do it, if you want to do it, You will if you want to And you want to do it, and you want to do it, If you want to do it, you are going to do it, Even if I don't want you to.

I wish I could make you right

Sharon Van Etten:Your Love Is Killing Me #

Break my legs so I won't walk to you Cut my tongue so I can't talk to you Burn my skin so I can't feel you Stab my eyes so I can't see You like it When I let you walk over me You tell me that you like it Your love is killing me

Yael Naim:Toxic (cover)

Baby, can't you see I'm falling A guy like you Should wear a warning It's dangerous I'm falling

With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic, I'm slipping under With a taste of your poison paradise I'm addicted to you Don't you know that you're toxic?

Thao Nguyen & Mirah:Teeth 

You have teeth I can't bear I am out of here I have teeth I must bare I am out of here

I can't go Please be kind Let me loose, let me loose I said

Nicole Dollanganger:Dog Teeth

*WARNING* Rape mention.

You're cold on the inside There's a dog in your heart And it tells you to tear everything apart My body's covered in teeth marks Your bite's worse than your bark You ruin everything you touch And destroy anyone you love You're all over me

City And Colour:Sleeping Sickness #

Someone come and, someone come and save my life Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead But now it's like the night is taking up sides With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind Could it be? This misery will suffice I've become the simple souvenir of someone's kill Like the sea I'm constantly changing from calm to ill Madness fills my heart and soul As if the great divide could swallow me whole Oh, how I'm breaking down

The Antlers:Kettering #

When I was checking vitals I suggested a smile You didn't talk for awhile, you were freezing You said you hated my tone, it made you feel so alone And so you told me I ought to be leaving But something kept me standing by that hospital bed I should have quit, but instead, I took care of you You made me sleep and uneven, and I didn't believe them When they told me that there was no saving you

City And Colour:Wasted Love #

Crying out for more Just a little more Tied down on the floor Like a prisoner of war Oh, I've been down so long Day is nearly gone I must carry on With this wasted love Careless love There's more to say than should be said Can't get these words straight in my head You make me feel so powerless

Placebo:Sleeping With Ghosts

This one world vision Turns us into compromise What good's religion When it's each other we despise? Damn the government Damn their killing Damn their lies

Dry your eye Soul mate dry your eye Dry your eye Soul mate dry your eye 'Cause soul mates never die

How To Destroy Angels:Keep It Together

I feel the skin that separates us, start to fade And when I lie on top of you, I'm afraid I can see right through myself, crystal clear I am disassembling I could disappear, disappear

I promise, I swear I can keep it together I can keep it together I can keep it together I can keep it together

Bette Midler:Baby Mine

Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart, Never to part, baby of mine. Little one, when you play, Pay no heed what they say. Let your eyes sparkle and shine, Never a tear, baby of mine.

Dixie Chicks:Lullaby #

They didn't have you where I come from Never knew the best was yet to come Life began when I saw your face And I hear your laugh like a serenade How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough? How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough? 'Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Craig Cardiff:Smallest Wingless #

Dear son, we've been waiting for you Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived White coats came in, heads held low Talked for a bit, shuffled outside We closed the curtains And held each other And cried We said hello At the same time That we said goodbye

Plumb:I Want You Here #

I waited so long For you to come Then you were here And now you're gone I was not prepared For you to leave me Oh this is misery Are you still there? I wanna scream Is this a dream? How could this happen, Happen to me? This isn't fair This nightmare This kind of torture I just can't bear I want you here I want you here

Mary Lambert:The Machine #

Why you, why you sick? Your hands are like a war memorial Why are you sick? We shaved your head cause your hair was falling out Why are you sick all the time?

Lord, Lord, you took my baby Got an empty house with two bathtubs I want to drown in them Lord, Lord, you took my baby Got an empty house with two bathtubs I want to drown in them

Mirah:Promise To Me #

There was a child Who was born to be The one who comforts me Who was born strong And brave and holy, Loves me rough and tenderly Can it be understood The reasons why you belong to me?

Would you promise to be kind? Promise to be kind

Tearwave:Shattered Fairytale #

Tired of being tired Tired of breathing Knowing there is no hope I found dreams are a lie I fell right down Into emptiness

Sleep, Sleeping Beauty, sleep It's safer in your dreams The world is much too cold I wish - I could be like you In peaceful fantasy I see no happy endings

Florence + The Machine:Falling

Sometimes I wish for falling Wish for the release Wish for falling through the air To give me some relief Because falling's not the problem When I'm falling, I'm at peace It's only when I hit the ground It causes all the grief

Priscilla Ahn:Lost #

And I don't like it here anymore. No I don't like it here, anymore. Anymore. Lock me in, close the door. Oxygen, falls apart. Spiders crawl, Mountains fall. Every evening sirens call. And I don't like it here anymore. No I don't like it here, anymore. Anymore.

Muse:Explorers #

Who will win? 'Cause I concede Free me, free me Free me from this world I don't belong here It was a mistake imprisoning my soul Can you free me Free me from this world

Florence + The Machine:Leave My Body

I'm gonna be released from behind these lines And I don't care whether I live or die And I'm losing blood, I'm gonna leave my bones And I don't want your heart it leaves me cold

I don't want your future I don't need your past One bright moment Is all I ask

Ravel- String Quartet 4th Mvt.

Classical There are 4 movements in this. Sunstreaker has the first, this is the last. It’s fiercely angry, manic. It’s unhinged, shivery. It has my sympathy.

Shostakovich- Symphony 8 2nd Mvt.

Classical Thunderous, and wrathful. It hasn’t been cowed, no, it has something to fight for. It will wage a war in defiance.

Bruno Maderna - Viola

Classical This comes in spurts and sputters it sounds like you are only getting half the song. It’s still trying.

Toru Takemitsu- A String Around Autumn

Classical It’s trying to be cheerful, but the darkness is always not far behind looming. Stretched to the snapping point.

Clarke- Lullaby and Grotesque 

Classical It’s disjointed, and constantly being overtaken by this darker counterpart, who seems to be preforming a different song entirely.

Mozart- Dissonance 1st Mvt.

Classical Mournful, then determined. It’s bright and hopeful, it hurts to listen to it.

Clarke- Passacaglia

Classical It starts off sad, sweet, and contemplative. Then the viola gets strained, the piano barges in where it doesn’t belong. The viola fades to the point where you can’t hear anything. Then it comes back frantic, what has happened here? It calls, but gets no reply, but the piano.

Dvořák- Humoresque   

Classical Long suffering, but adoring. This is a crush deepening to true love. There are a few sour notes, but nothing can spoil the magic of this moment.

Grieg- Anitra’s Dance

Classical The sound of sneaking about, mischievous. They get close to getting close many times, but they make it home, flushed with success.

Gershwin- Walking the Dog

Classical This one is casual, light, and airy. A nice evening stroll, well one strolling, two flying.Slow down, I can’t move as fast as you. Wait, where are you going? You can’t leave me, I paid for the tickets!

Strauss- Die Fledermaus Overture

Classical This is the sound of trouble, troublemakers that is! It pretends innocence on occasion, but it knows what it did. Cheerful.

(Design Notes:

Shockwave’s playlist is structured to be the opposite of Sunstreaker’s.

If there were no buffer between them, you would have a hard time telling where when one stops, and the other begins.

I organized the vocal music from Scientist to Senator.

Shockwave’s video placement is the first video in every category, there are no titles above the videos, because you can click the video to find its name. It’s simply L o g i c a l .

I sought out the version of Baby Mine that has Dumbo’s mom singing it, because I enjoy suffering. Alison Krauss is the other singer for it!

J&J have 38 songs! for reference Sideswipe 19 Sunstreaker 18 Shockwave 36

 As adults they are double the size of their children.

I would like to apologize again. A lot of these songs are nauseating to listen to, especially with context. I hope you had a warm blanket, and a cuddle friend to get you though.)

[stardust2003]

Madferit: The Novel - Chapter 6

Peggy had a full English breakfast on the table waiting for us when we all came downstairs later that morning. A "fry-up" they called it. Essentially the same as an American breakfast but with fried tomatoes and baked beans added to it.

           Liam and I sat together on one side of the table while Noel was across from us. Peggy and Paul sat at each end. Liam said something funny that made everyone laugh...everyone except Noel that is.

           He just sat there glaring over at us – at me, specifically.

           And it didn't take long for Liam to notice.

           "Oi! What the fuck are you lookin' at?" He yelled. "Starey cunt!"

           "Nothin'." Noel replied flatly as he shook his head.

           "Fuck you, ya dickhead!" Liam barked as he threw his spoon at his brother.

           "Liam!" Peggy spoke up. "That's enough!"

           "You're fuckin' right it's enough!" Noel said. "Fuck this!" He got up from the table and walked out of the dining room, towards the front entryway, slamming the door on his way outside.

           "Fuckin' prick!" Liam muttered.

           "I'll go talk to him." I said as I got up from my chair. "It's my fault."

           "The fuck d'ya mean it's your fault? He's the one that's bein' a dickhead! Let him go! He'll get over himself eventually."

           But I couldn't wait that long.

           "Addie!" Liam called after me. "Fuck's sake! Addie!" He didn't come after me and I was okay with that.

           I found Noel sitting on the front step smoking a cigarette.

           "What the fuckin' hell do you want?" He asked glancing up at me for a second before turning back to his cigarette.

           "To say sorry for pissing you off." I replied as I sat down beside him.

           "Right."

           I watched as he took another drag off his cigarette. "Why can't we get along?" I asked. "I mean, if I'm gonna be around for a while-"

           "Wait. What?!" He exclaimed.

           I nodded. "Liam says I'm stuck with him. Says I have to go with you guys on tour. Guess that means I'm stuck with you too."

           "The fuck ya are! You're goin' back to America where ya fuckin' belong."

           "Says who?" I asked.

           "Me!" He pointed at himself. "This is my fuckin' band, my tour, and you're not gonna be a fuckin' part of it."

           "That's not what Liam says."

           "Liam doesn't have a fuckin' say in the matter! He just stands up front and sings the songs. That's it. Same goes for the rest a them lot."

           "What?" I said. "Stand up front and sing songs?"

           "N-, no!" He stuttered. "What the fuckin' hell are ya playin' at? Why the fuck-"

           "Noel! Calm down! Do you want another massage or something? Make you feel better? Undo all those fucking knots?"

           "Shut up!" He muttered.

           "I'll have to charge you for the handjob this time though." I continued. "Last night's offer was your one and only freebie."

           He stared out in front of himself as he sucked hard on another drag of his smoke.

           "Bet I could do it better than what you did yourself."

           "Stop!"

           "Did you even finish yourself?" I asked curiously.

           "No because you fuckin' interrupted me!" He bellowed.

           I smiled. "So you do admit you were jackin' off."

           He shook his head a bit and turned away from me.

           "Who was it?" I went on. "Who'd you picture while you wanked?"

           He tutted. "Not you." He replied.

           I raised my eyebrow in thought. "Louise?"

           He looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.

           "That's who you thought I was this morning." I reminded him. "Who is she?"

           "No one." He said softly before taking another drag.

           "Didn't seem like it. Oh Louise! Louise!" I said through pretend moans. "Use both your hands this time! Oh-"

           "Shut the fuck! Up!" He screamed.

           I giggled as I stood up.

           "Where're you goin'?" He called as I walked towards the sidewalk.

           "Levenshulme." I replied after I turned back around. "To visit our To'."

           "Who?"

           "Tony. Your drummer?"

           He shrugged. "What the fuck d'ya want with him?"

           I shrugged as well. "Just stopping by to say hey." I replied.

           "Better be all you're gonna do." Noel said. "He's already got one kid. Fuck knows he ain't smart enough to handle two!"

           I rolled my eyes and turned around then headed up the street.

           Tony was staying at his family's house. He and his former girlfriend (and mother of his young daughter) had broken up when the band took off. Like the others, he enjoyed the company of all the girls along the road.

           I liked Tony. He was the next most attractive in the band after the Gallagher brothers. And contrary to what Noel thought, he was a pretty good drummer.

           "Alright, Addie!" He said cheerfully as he greeted me on his front step.

           "Alright." I replied with a smile.

           He grinned back. "Come in! You want some tea?"

           The rest of his family was out, leaving us alone.

           "So how ya like Manchester and that?" He asked as we sat on the couch with our cups of tea.

           "I love it!" I replied.

           "As much as you love Liam?"

           I rolled my eyes. "Liam and I are just friends."

           "I dunno, Adds. If he wants ya to come with us on the rest of the tour, that's gotta mean summat."

           I certainly hoped it did. Liam seemed kind of possessive over me but maybe it was just wishful thinking.

           Christmas came and I had no idea what to get Liam or Noel or anyone else for that matter. So I didn't get anyone anything. I didn't expect presents from them either and was happy just to have people to spend the holiday with.

           Peggy fixed a ham and a lot of other food. Noel remarked this was a first as they weren't the Christmas type of family. Liam said it was because I was with them and that was all the reason they needed to finally break their norm.

           We just finished dinner and were all sitting around in the living room talking about I can't remember what.

           "Addie?" Liam said as we sat beside each other on the couch. "Can we nip upstairs for a minute?"

           "Okay." I replied.

           He grabbed my hand and pulled me to get off the couch with him.

           "Where're you two goin'?" Noel asked as we headed towards the steps.

           "Nowhere." Liam said.

           "Right. Better use a condom while you're there!"

           "Piss off!"

           We went upstairs to Liam and Noel's room and sat down on Liam's bed.

           "Tix." Liam began. "I um, I hope you're not mad at me."

           I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "I'm not mad at you." I assured him. "Why would I be mad at you?"

           "'Cuz I didn't get you anythin' for Christmas. I wanted to but-"

           "Liam. It's okay. I didn't expect you to get me anything. I mean, I didn't get you anything either but I just figured we weren't doing gifts and that's okay. The holidays are more about spending time with people you care about rather than getting gifts."

           "Right." He agreed softly. "Technically, I still got ya somethin' though. It's not summat you can open but. I hope ya like it anyway."

           "What is it?" I asked.

           "A song. Not one I wrote or anything but I just listened to it about a week ago and it just made me think of you."

           I smiled shyly as I felt my cheeks heating up.

           He grinned a little. "Wanna hear it?" He asked.

           I nodded.

           He leaned over and put his lips right next to my left ear as he cupped the back of my head with his left hand.

           Then he started to sing.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you

Tomorrow I'll miss you

Remember I'll always be true

And then while I'm away

I'll write home every day

And I'll send all my loving to you

I'll pretend that I'm kissing

The lips I am missing

And hope that my dreams will come true

And then while I'm away

I'll write home every day

And I'll send all my loving to you

All my loving I will send to you

All my loving, darling I'll be true

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you

Tomorrow I'll miss you

Remember I'll always be true

And then while I'm away

I'll write home every day

And I'll send all my loving to you

All my loving I will send to you

All my loving, darling I'll be true

All my loving, all my loving ooh

All my loving I will send to you

           He let go of the back of my head and leaned back so we could look at each other properly.

           "Happy Christmas, Tixie." He said.

           "Happy Christmas, Liam." I replied.

           He smiled then leaned in and gave me a kiss.