#as someone who has and has a whole family dealing with awful medical conditions without effective care and who had a mom | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

oceansmelodysblog · 4 years ago

Text

'Until my last breath'

Zelink reversed roles AU fanfiction

Chapter 2

“The laws don’t allow us to take people inside the castle to give them refuge but we can definitely find work inside the castle for Nebb’s family members. Is there anything else I could do for you? ” James and Zelda stood in front of the bridge to the castle as they discussed about her conditions to work with him.

Meanwhile, Ragnar and Link hunted down the aggressor who threatened her life. The people of the festival enjoyed their time and danced light heartedly to the music.

Yet, in the dark corners of an abandoned street, Link pushed the man against an old façade.

“Do you work for someone?!” Link grabbed the man’s throat and lifted him from his feet with one arm.

“No, Sir. I am alone! Please let me down, “ the man could barely speak.

“Link, we better check his body for any evidences. He won’t tell the truth even if you threatened him.”

Link turned his head aside and thought about it. Ragnar had his cold sinister look in his eyes and Link knew he had an idea in his mind.

He threw the thief roughly to the ground and Ragnar ripped off the thief’s clothes. He never hesitated to rush into action.

Ragnar grabbed the man’s arm and pulled him to his feet. He trembled because of the cold but he also trembled out of fear, he knew of their ruthless reputation.

“Like I thought, this filthy rat is one of them. He wears their mark on his back like a farm animal. He’s just an underling but they came far too close to the castle for my taste. I would like to kill him but then we might lose a chance to track them down., ” in front of Ragnar’s face hot steam from his mouth surrounded him and gave his ice blue iris a mystical feeling. Thoughtfully he crossed his arms in front of broad chest, leaving the man freezing next to him.

“Yes, I agree brother. Though it’s not likely of them to attack healers. He must be an abandoned one and furthermore has to thief for his own survival. It may just be an inconvenience, but I believe he needed the rupees to redeem himself in the Yiga clan.” Link had his cold calculating look in his eyes and analysed every inch this man’s face for any reaction. He saw how nervous he became as Link spoke.

Link’s eyes sparkled immediately as his sharp mind saw an opportunity.

“Makes sense to me too, sharp senses as always. I guess we can’t kill him yet.”

“Y-yes! Yes! Y-you’re… right! P-p-please don’t kill me!” The man was trembling as his body felt frozen. He tried to warm himself up by wrapping his arms around his chest. He didn’t dare to try to escape them, too great was the fear to be killed.

Ragnar abruptly turned his head to him and pierced his eyes into the thief’s soul

“Shut your mouth, you filthy rat. No body told you to speak, unless you tell us anything you know about the Yiga. Until then, you will freeze your arse off. “

“L-l-look, I-I-I c-can’t even i-i-if I w-want-t-ted t-t-to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Link had a feeling that behind his statement lay some truth. It wouldn’t surprise him if the Yiga cast a spell on their henchmen to secure their secrets.

And as the thought shaped into a deduction, Link exchanged a meaningful gaze with Ragnar.

“I-i-i-it m-m-means th-th-that we can’t be-be-ca-use th-they...use... I c-can’t s-say...use...u-use... SEAL!”

He screamed out the last words while his whole body shivered with the cold. But as soon as had he said it, his head twitched spasticity, his pupils twisted and rattling noises came from his throat. He cried out his last breath and collapsed right after.

Link and Ragnar watched helplessly and in shock as the thief lied motionless on the ground.

Link and Ragnar knelt in front of the man and exchanged regretful looks, thinking about the cruelty of the Yiga.

„At least in death he is a free man. Come on Ragnar, we’ll get him a decent burial. ”, said Link.

He wrapped his cloak around the bare body and heaved it onto his shoulder.

„When we’re done with his funeral, we must report to Father immediately.“ Link marched through the deep snow under his boots, far away from the castle walls. It cracked in the snow as he had to raise his knees more and more to get through the high snowpack. Sweat ran down his back, his breath became heavier, and his muscles burned. Ragnar noticed the thick vapor from Link’s breath, an indication of the immense strength that he had to mobilize at the moment. Without a word, he lifted the body from his shoulder and carried it the rest of the way.

Hours later, the brothers reached Lake Kolomo near the Forest of Time and buried the corpse among the trees.

“Link, I’ve thought about it and I think we should only tell father about the Yiga once we have found out more. He is never satisfied with half-finished business.“

Their hands were flushed and stiff from the snow they laid over the grave. It was time to return to the warmth, so the two broke up and left the man in the grave alone, but under the protection of the forest.

------

“Your royal highness, thank you for everything. I do have some other requests too, regarding my master and my father. I am in depth for my education since I tried to pay it all on my own but the payment wasn’t high enough, not to mention I often didn’t even receive it, to pay off my loans. If I work at the royal castle I want to be payed with a suitable salary for my hard work. I want to help people around Hyrule, that’s why I will need the salary to buy better equipment, medics and explore new methods to heal. I also want the freedom to leave the castle whenever I see the need to gather herbs, ingredients, make new flora analyses or look out for unhealthy people. In the matter of my father, I do not want my father to know that I would work in the castle. That’s all of my conditions, your royal highness.”

James thought about it while scratching his beard, not knowing if it was possible to give her the freedom she wanted as his father controlled everything and everyone. For better or worse, she had to go to the king and speak to him. about it if he decided to be interested enough. Anything that didn’t matter to him wasn’t worth his time.

“May I ask who your father is, gracious healer?”

“Yes of course you may. He’s the commander of the third legion of the royal army, Rhoam Dejardin. Your royal highness.”

James‘eyes widened as he drew in a sharp breath. ‘Now I understand why she doesn’t want to have contact with her father, he’s just like my father!‘ James thoughts flashed back and forth in his head as he put the pieces together.

“I see! I guess we both have awful fathers then. Don’t worry I will make sure that you can stay away from your father. And about your loan, as the prince I am able to pay it for you, just say a word. But if you still want to pay it on your own, we will pay you even more than the royal healer gets. Because we need a healer that is independent and solely serves for the people and not the King’s moods. Please accept my offer to be a healer for the purpose of science.”

Zelda smiled at the speech of James. But she immediately realized that he was sweet-talking the other conditions while ignoring the most important one. Her freedom.

“Your royal highness I am pleased to hear all that. But I won’t accept the offer until All of my conditions are fulfilled. Please enjoy the rest of the evening, I have to go back to my stall. ”

She walked away without looking back, into the direction of her stall. James tried to hold her off by reaching an arm to her but she was already too far away. For now he would have to deal with his father. He sighed in defeat, he didn’t like it at all. He wanted to keep her in secret, out of the range of the eyes of his father but sooner or later his father would have know about her. It was better to ask him to work as an independent healer. Hyrule needs her desperately.

James had seen so much suffer in his travels and explorations, the defeated knights who weren’t able to fight anymore, the despair and illness in the corners of the kingdom, all of them needed a healer who would only serve the people and not the King.

‘But how am I supposed to tell that to my father? I probably should ask Ecberht about this.’

- - -

The Festival of Lights ended with the first rays of the sun and Zelda was busy dismantling the stand alone during the coldest hour of the day. She had sent little Nebb home just before midnight and shared her salary with him again. The old doctor was long gone and left the rest to her. She cursed inwardly for not accepting the offer, but her principles had to come first. Otherwise she would approve of being exploited again. Gritting her teeth together, she went to the remaining instruments and bandages that were lying around. Her hands were already icy burns and were stiff from the cold when she noticed a shadow out of the corner of her eye and the next moment she felt warm hands on hers. When she looked up, sea blue eyes stared into her eyes. She quickly pulled her hands out of his and put some space between them.

„Your royal highness, it is a pleasure to see you again.”

“Please don’t be so formal with me when nobody is around. I thought we would have become closer after the dance. And now you’re greeting me like a foreigner.” Link wasn’t sure if she was interested in him at all. She had something special that made him drive to her, but he couldn’t tell what it was. He wanted to protect her, be at her side and watch over her.

“I accepted your hand because I would lose my face if I didn’t. If we normal folks ever deny a request of a royal family, we get abandoned by society.” Now her eyes were as cold as the freezing temperatures, staring up into his own eyes.

She couldn’t afford to be called a concubine of a prince while trying to be accepted in the world of the healers.

Link didn’t know all of the circumstances despite interacting with people outside the castle. ‘I definitely have to change that!’

“Please don’t interact with me furthermore I don’t want to be called a concubine of yours. Even though they have a far better reputation than a female healer from the streets, I don’t want to be seen as that. I work hard and try to help the suffering people. Please, your royal highness if you look for a girl to have fun with, I beg you to look elsewhere.”

With that said she grabbed the last remaining and walked away. Her heart raced and her body trembled, but she wouldn’t let him know that. She couldn’t even explain it for herself why she reacted that way towards him but decided to not give it much attention.

Link looked after her until she disappeared in the dark street.

“Brother are you alright?” Ragnar had helped his knight comrades to secure the area as they arrived and now was approaching him with his arms full of food, left behind from the festival.

“It’s nothing, I am just tired and exhausted. Come, let us go home.” Ragnar pressed a baked apple into his hand and Link smiled in return. A good old apple would be a good distraction of his pity thoughts.

- - - - - -

The next day arise and the brothers Ragnar and Link woke up with pain in their backs and legs. Link looked around and realized they fell asleep in the study room, they were so tired that they weren’t able to reach their bedrooms. Link must have been fallen asleep while he studied about the Yiga clan, his back hurt from the sitting position and even his neck felt stiff. He heard his brother snoring from the ground and slowly stood up to look for him. Ragnar fell with his stool to the ground, his arms wide open spread while one of his legs hovered on the stool while the other rested on the ground angled. Link smiled at this view, it was funny to see his younger brother, who looked always scary and insane, now like a clumsy big teddy bear. Link walked around the table and kicked the tip of his toe against his brother’s rips.

“Hey! Wake up dumbass!”

“Mmh…fuck off and lemme sleep…”

“It is past midday, wake up!”

“nah, try to wake me up in an hour or two.”

Ragnar muttered more unintelligible words while Link slowly lost patience. It was unusual for his brother to sleep so much. Link decided it was his job to get him back on his feet. Link breathed in and out deeply and rammed his elbow with full force into the abdomen of his brother, who cried out in pain and threw up shortly afterwards.

"You ate too much before you fell asleep, am I right?“

"Thanks, I needed that.“ Ragnar gasped from the exertion he felt from the gag reflex.

“Now get up, we still have a lot to do. Do you remember? The Yiga clan? Provide evidence for our father? Get up you looser, we going hunt for Yiga.“

After they freshened up, they visited their brother James, who was in the middle of a conversation with their eldest brother Ecberht. While Link and Ragnar wore a basic Hylian armour, today Ecberht wore a ruby red royal suit with sapphire blue and golden accents, which meant he would go on a diplomatic business sooner or later. James wore nor royal suit but instead dark trousers and a brown coat with golden buttons and white silk scarf, his favourite outfit when he worked on his natural sciences.

“Good afternoon brothers.” Link said politely while approaching them.

Both immediately interrupted their discussion and turned their heads to them. While James looked confused, Ecberht had a devaluating look in his eyes.

“Where have you been all day? Both of you were no where to be found.” James reached for the arm of Link and then Ragnar to greet them.

“We’ve been doing researches about a case we want to learn more about and therefore stayed up all night. What have you two been discussing about?”

“What kind of case do you talk about?” asked Ecberht suspiciously, “I hope for the sake of your lives, you’re not doing anything reckless again, without the permission of the King.” Link and Ragnar exchanged meaningful looks, they knew they had to be cautious around Ecberht.

Then, Ragnar clears his throat and sweet talked his eldest brother, “Don’t worry, we don’t want to bother father with our case as long as it’s nothing to bother for.”

Ecberht raised an eyebrow and looked suspicious between them, he knew they were up to something dangerous and therefore would need to watch over their moves. He decided to remain silent and ask one of the Sheikah to spy on them.

James felt the tension between his brothers and cleared his throat.

“Well apparently, the woman you danced with yesterday is an exceptional healer and the daughter of commander Rhoam Dejardin but refuses to depend on his reputation and military rank. “

Link and Ragnar widened their eyes. They couldn’t believe what their ears just heard because nobody knew commander Rhoam had a daughter, let alone even a child. Link was confused why he would never mention her.

“She refuses also to serve for the royal family if it means to desert the people in need. That’s why we need her even more. For the sake of Hyrule, we need a selfless healer in our ranks. I would be glad if we had another genius for our science section as well.”

Link was glad that his brothers saw the same potential in her he did, but it disturbed him that he found out about her background through his brother who just met her and immediately wanted to claim her. Link frowned and tried to clear his mind. Then, a big question appeared in his head as he tried to understand why she wasn’t here yet.

“There must be something off if she isn’t here yet. What is it?”

“Well…she wanted the freedom to leave the castle whenever she saw the need of her help or for doing researches on new herbs… She wanted to work with me only under strict conditions…”

“What are her conditions? Except roaming freely around,” asked Link truly curious.

But then, Ecberht had enough and busted out. “I already told you James! This is not going to happen! The audacity to demand such thing is unbelievable! Not even the own sons of the King can do whatever we want, and this woman thinks she was exceptional? No way I am going to allow her to do that. You give the conditions not her. Who does she think she is? Goddess of Hyrule? By Hylia! I am surrounded by idiots!”

Ecberht was about to leave but surprisingly Ragnar hold him off and squeezed his arm. “If James and Link believe in her abilities, I am going to do the same, as you will do the same as well. Understood?!” Ragnar had his insane look in the eyes again which made Ecberht shiver. He never realised how terrifying his younger brother had become.

Ecberht freed his arm from the tight grip of his brother and felt the pain still roaming in his muscles. “Alright then, I will help you to get her on board. But mark my words, no ones except us, the royal family, is allowed to make conditions.”

James and Link barked in laugher as they already knew how determined Zelda can be.

“You idiots stop laughing! What’s so funny!? “

“You will see for yourself, when you meet her.” Link said and winked at James who couldn’t stop laughing at the imagination of Zelda and Ecberht discussing.

“Hmpf. I will talk to the King and ask him for permission than she may come. See you in two hours in the Throne halls.”

- - - - - - -

Zelda was nervous to meet the King. It was her first time and she only knew him through stories. While escorts guided her through the castle she looked at the surroundings to distract her from her useless thoughts. After a while she felt exhausted by the walk through the halls of the castle which were strategically formed like a labyrinth. But then her heart flattered seeing a familiar face. It was prince Link who waited for her in front of the throne halls. He smiled at her generously despite her harsh behaviour before. The escorts left her side and let her alone with the Prince after he told them to dismiss. She was happy to see him but didn’t want to show it, by politely greeting him. “Your royal highness. “ she said bluntly.

“It’s good to see you again, gracious healer.” Link flustered at her sight, even though she wore a similar dress like on the festival of lights, this sand coloured dress let her shine brighter as the sun. She smiled at him trying not to look in his eyes for too long. Link realised he stared at her. He cleared his throat and lend her his hand. The memory of the festival flashed in their minds as Link hold her hand the same way back then. Both smiled at each other at the memory and immediately put the stoic mask on as the huge hallway doors opened.

Zelda let out a breath she didn’t knew she was holding and walked along the hallway. The three brothers of Link were standing next to Throne facing each other while Link escorted Zelda to the King. Zelda gulped as she saw the king in full sight. Several feets away from the throne Link stood still and left her side, joining the side of his brother Ecberht.

Now she was all alone facing the terrifying king in front of her. His clothes weren’t as glamorous as expected, in fact the King looked more like a commander who was about to lead a whole army. His almond shaped eyes pierced through her eyes into her soul, looking for the darkest memories of hers. She reminded her to avoid a direct eye contact and lowered her gaze. But then King Selim raised to his feet and approached her.

Link looked nervously as his father stood directly in front of her looking down on her.

“I demand you to look in my eyes. I heard of your request and want you to tell that in to my face.”

Zelda looked up and met the gaze of the King. The colour of his eyes reminded her of honey, changing the colour with different angles of incidence of light. His hair was black as the feathers of ravens, his facial heather grey and his skin tanned from all the cruel battles fought for Hyrule.

“Yes, Your Majesty. I want my masters servant to be able to work in Castle to let him gain more salary to provide his suffering family. I want to be payed for a suitable price for my works for the royal family. I want to be acknowledged as an independent individual and not as the daughter of a commander. And most importantly, I want to be able to leave the castle whenever I need to gather herbs, explore better methods or see the need of my help of all folks in need. No matter the rank or the race, I decide through the rank of the emergency.”

King Selim stayed silent and didn’t lower his gaze from her forest green eyes. But Zelda bravely encountered his terrifying glare and lifted her chin.

But then, all of a sudden King Selim began to smile.

The brothers who remained silent all were shocked by this view, seeing their father smile for the first time in their lives.

“Miss Zelda Dejardin, I declare you the title of a royal healer with the ability to serve the people of Hyrule, independent of your heritage and the crone.”

All brothers widened their eyes and Ecberht gasped for air. Link and James looked more than satisfied, while Ragnar looked amused at his eldest brother.

“Therefore I shall allow you to bring your masters servant as your own servant, while both of you will be privileged with everything you need.”

The King’s smile became wider and heartily as he spoke and signalled with a finger to the servant to bring him his contract.

Meanwhile Ecberht threw his hands above his head in unbelieve about what his eyes just observed. His brothers clapped their hands as a sign of respect and honour.

With the unique Tughra on his ring he pressed the top of it into the melted candle wax. A bright smile decorated her face as he handed over her the certificate which he placed in her hands with both of his.

“This certificate shall give you permission to enter every small corner of Hyrule and gives you security in wars. Keep it close to you, miss gracious royal healer.”

With that said Zelda bowed politely to the King and walked away from, only turning her back to him as she reached the doors.

Link followed her with her eyes even when she already disappeared, he glared at the closed doors and smiled brightly.

While Ecberht couldn’t still believe what just happened, his mind could find the answer, therefore he bursted out and asked their father the important question everyone in the hall was eager to know the answer.

“Your Majesty, please tell us what made you give her so much privileges?”

King Selim approached his oldest son, putting his hands behind his back, looking down on him with a sly smile. Ecberht saw the small sparkle in his eyes and had a good idea of what was going on his father’s mind.

“In her eyes lies the sun that will guide this rotten land out of the darkness.”

The King walked away from him , back to his throne as he dismissed them.

For the first time in his life, Ecberht didn't know what to say.

26 notes · View notes

spotofimagines · 5 years ago

Text

Family Incident ~ Charlie Weasley

A/N: Look, I know I said the second part to “Keeping A Secret” was gonna be the next thing but I got a little stuck on it. I was in writing mode and had this idea so here we are. The other fic is half done so it won’t be long until it’s posted. I do love this one tho, I hope you guys enjoy! btw if this gif is yours let me know and I’ll tag you for credit (I had it saved so I don’t know who made it).

Requested by: no one

Warnings: injury, hospital (neither are in detail)

Summary: You’re used to being in hospitals with Charlie but after a quidditch match with his brothers outside the Burrow, you get a whole new hospital experience.

Once again, you found yourself spending your afternoon sat on the cushioned chairs of an imfirmary waiting room whilst Charlie got checked on by a healer. It certainly wasn’t an odd experience for you anymore, Charlie being a dragonologist meant you visited healers in Romania pretty much once a week to deal with burns, gashes and the odd knock to the skeleton.

But this particular visit was strange. You hadn’t found yourself in St Mungo’s in years and you hadn’t been accompanied by more than one person during your wait since you were in Hogwarts. It made the environment a little more hectic; Molly pacing back and forth, Arthur rustling the pages of the newspaper he was reading, but most distractingly, the bouncing leg of the nervous girl sat next to you.

----

The Weasley siblings and Harry were playing a small game of quidditch outside the burrow. You and Hermione sat on the steps next to the door catching up with your lives, Hermione cheering for Ginny whenever she got a hold of the makeshift quaffle.

Before you knew what was happening, a bundle of red hair and fleecy jumpers were hurtling to the ground. The nasty thud you heard made you cringe inside but in a quidditch match with this family, falls and bumps were casual. It was Hermione jumping up fearfully shouting Ron’s name that filled you with panic, causing you to look over and see someone on the grass and another person seconds from the same fate before you rushed up and followed her worried trail.

The four remaining brooms flew down as fast as possible and they huddled around the two boys on the ground. Hermione crouched down next to Ron, brushing hair off his forehead and muttering calming words despite her terrified expression.

You were about to crouch on the other side of him to see where he was hurt when an all too familiar groan came from the floor on the other side of you. Looking down to your right, Charlie was spread out, wriggling around a little, his hair and clothes sprawled in every direction as he tried to push himself up to stand. You instantly moved to him and wrapped an arm around his back, hooking the other under one of his arm until he stood straight - or as straight as he could get - as his pained huffs filled your ears.

“There you go.” You said in his ear, your eyebrows furrowing when you noticed him gripping his shoulder. Carefully you placed your hand on top of his at his shoulder, intending to have a look at how seriously he was hurt.

“Blimey Ron!” George blurted as he tucked the makeshift quaffle under his arm, “Your leg looks awful!” You snapped your head over to the others. “Hey!” You shouted to get their attention and you put your finger against your lips. “He doesn’t need to know.” Your whisper-shout caused them all to be quiet and look back down to Ron. The only sounds in the yard were Ron’s whimpers of pain as he squirmed under Hermione’s attentive but shaky hands.

That was until Molly ran out the house.

“What the bloody hell has happened here?!” Her yells filled the quiet yard as she waved her arms in stern panic at the sight of one son on the ground, one son slightly hunched over under his girlfriend’s arm and everyone else looking rather pale.

“It was an accident mum.” Charlie grumbled out, his hand grabbing his shoulder again as he straightened to face Molly. Your hands still kept him steady since you could tell he was more than a little sore from his fall. He had had his fair share of quidditch falls from his time as Gryffindor seeker at Hogwarts, but this seemed like a nasty hit to his body even for him.

Molly gasped when she saw Ron’s leg and leant down to inspect him.

“We were playing quidditch, Ron was looking for a good pass, I was busy making sure Ginny didn’t hit me, Fred was shouting loud, I don’t know…” he explained, his words becoming quiet at the end of his sentence, knowing whatever reasoning he gave wouldn’t change what happened. He sucked in a sharp breath and you rubbed his back to sooth him.

“We didn’t see each other I guess. I’m so sorry Ron.” His eyes were filled with pain from his shoulder and pain from knowing he hurt his younger brother. Ron didn’t reply, he just let out another whimper of pain as Molly toyed with his ankle.

“Oh you will be sorry if this is detrimental Charles!” Molly scolded, Charlie’s eyes squeezing shut as he looked down at the grass letting out a shaky breath. He couldn’t believe he was the reason for Ron hurting this badly, he’d only been home for a day and this is what he had managed to do. Maybe he was better suited to dragons for a reason.

Molly looked over at her second eldest son and sighed, realising her words were a bit harsh given how much Charlie would be beating himself up for this.

“Ginny go get your father, we’ll have to go to St Mungo’s for this,” her words were still angry but they were controlled so to diminish some of Ron’s and Hermione’s fear.

“Fred, George,” she stood and informed her children, fury washed away as her instincts kicked in, “tell Perc- actually no Harry, tell Percy he is in charge until Bill and Fleur arrive, they shouldn’t be longer than an hour away by now. Fred and George, you clean up all this equipment and please behave for your brothers.”

As the members of the group went inside the house one by one, Arthur quickly came toward you with a concerned look. “What’s gone on?” “Quidditch crash.” You replied with the short story, Arthur nodding and moving over to Ron as he talked nonsensically to Hermione through the pain.

You rubbed the back of Charlie’s hurt shoulder before wiping a few stray tears off his cheeks as he tried his hardest to avoid your eyes yet moved further into your hold. You softly held his jaw and made him look at you, giving him a soft peck and resting your forehead on his as the regretful blue of his eyes made your heart hurt for him.

“You’ll be fine love. Ron will be okay, I’m sure.” You whispered, giving him a second peck then wiped his cheeks again as a few fresh tears fell from his eyes after they closed.

Charlie was used to being bashed around a lot from the creatures he worked with everyday and you knew he would be unfazed by his own injury. His distress and concern came from the state of his little brother, and he was getting more restless by the second as Ron’s whimpers and groans reminded him of his mistake.

Your fingers automatically found his as you stepped to the side to give Molly a chance to quickly check her son’s condition. Charlie’s hand gripped yours tightly as Molly rolled his arm ever so slightly, telling you that your hospital visit would be a lot longer than your usual trips.

—-

You sat looking at the posters on the walls. Your leg was loosely crossed on top of the other, your fingers drumming an absent tune over the fabric of your knee.

Hearing a shaky huff come from your side, you saw Hermione staring at a random spot on the floor whilst her fingers nervously fidgeted on her lap. You knew exactly what she was feeling, having been in her position when Charlie first started working with dragons and a couple major injuries got your anxiety reaching higher levels than you’d known before. But eventually the regularity of the situations meant you had no choice but to gradually calm down, and when the big incidents got Charlie in serious pain, you just worked through the routine without considerable fear to make sure he didn’t panic.

“You know,” you said gently, giving Hermione’s arm a soft tap so you didn’t startle her out of her thoughts. “Me and Charlie used to be just like you and Ron; panic first, think second, then stress until he’s healthy. That was before we ended up on the reserve and he’d be getting injured every other day like the clutz he is.” You smiled at the thought of his clumsiness and you swore you noticed the faintest of smiles poking the corners of Hermione’s lips.

“I don’t care less now, I definitely still care about his health, I just worry about sitting in these waiting rooms less. I’ve realised he’s actually a pretty strong guy,” you say with a light-hearted warmth, “and I know once the shock has worn off that Ron will be the same.” You smiled sympathetically at Hermione. She nodded at your words and you knew she was trying to appear calm but she was still scared about Ron’s condition.

When the door separating the waiting room from the medical areas opened, Hermione flew up to her feet and rushed across the room with Molly not too far behind. Hermione stood next to the door waiting anxiously as Molly continued on in front of her. Your heart warmed from your unmoved position in your seat at the love and worry the women held.

Seeing Charlie’s orange curls come through the doorway first made you slowly stand up, making no real rush to get to him. Molly wrapped him in a loving but cautious hug before telling him something you couldn’t hear.

She kissed his cheek and he smirked, squeezing her shoulder before catching your eye and straightening up. Giving a small thanks to his mum, he stepped toward you smiled sheepishly as you let out a breathy laugh at his arm in a sling.

You hands softly held his jaw whilst you gave him a kiss, his good arm around your waist now relaxed in its natural place around you.

“Quite the fashion statement there.” You joked as your arms snaked around his neck, careful not to budge the white fabric on his shoulder. His breath fanned over your face as he laughed at your comment. “Think it looks quite good to be fair, might keep it for a while,” he looked down at his arm moving it around slightly, pondering, “What d’you think?”

“I don’t think you have much choice, my love.” You giggled when his face changed from lazy happiness to feigned shock before growing into a massive grin. Shaking your head amused, you moved your hand to his cheek to brush your thumb over a small cut on his cheek. He leaned into your touch and you could see the tiredness in his expressions from being medically worked on for a few hours whilst trying to assure himself Ron would be okay. All you wanted to do was take your boyfriend to bed, let him get the rest he needed after the long day and have some warm cuddles. But you needed to stay and see Ron, more for Charlie’s sake so he would actually get some sleep that night.

You saw Hermione trying to peek through the window of the door behind Charlie and sighed. When Charlie’s eyebrows furrowed a little, you nodded toward her and he instantly saw the resemblence between her and a younger you, making him smile sadly at the situation he felt he had put her in.

“Come on,” You said quietly, “We’ve got some first timers here.” You beamed as you wiggled your eyebrows and started guiding him toward the seat you were in earlier, away from the perturbed pair. A smirk lit up his face to match yours, lazily letting his free arm be pulled by you. He turned his head to Hermione as he kept slowly following your feet. “He’ll be out in just a minute.” He reassured her, making her nod with the faintest smile of thanks before Charlie focused on you again.

#charlie weasley #charlie weasley x reader #charlie weasley imagine #harry potter imagine #hp #hp imagine #ron weasley #hermione granger #molly weasley #oneshot #my fic #my og post

224 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

Text

Survey #383

“the big bully try to stick his finger in my chest / try to tell me, tell me he’s the best / i don’t really give a good goddamn ‘cuz i got my lunchbox & i’m armed real well”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''lunchbox'' by marilyn manson

2 notes · View notes

superpooped · 5 years ago

Text

Dealing with Quarantine (from an actual expert)

Hello!

Today’s post is for people who are having their first taste of isolation or quarantine and are feeling a bit overwhelmed.

There’s a lot of these going around, and although they can be useful (I have no idea about specific Corona-based medical practise or finance) they seem to be written by people who are generally out and about in the world.

No offence, but what you really need is a Professional. You need… A HOUSEBOUND PERSON!

And that’s where I come in.

For those of you that are new here, I have a condition where, amongst other things, my body doesn’t create energy like it should. My mitochondria are all messed up, so, as you can imagine, that has an impact on… everything.

I am too exhausted to leave the house, or sometimes my bed. So I’ve been cared for by my lovely family for seven and a half years, and have been housebound for the last five and a half.

By now, I’m an old hand at this, so I’ll be able to help you out with some of the lesser known issues that people without that half a decade of experience just can’t tell you.

Some of this may seem strange or contradictory in places, but I don’t make the rules. This is how it is.

Choice makes a difference

You’re probably learning (or about to learn) that the one thing that makes a difference as to whether doing something or not is fun is Choice.

The number of times I’ve had someone say to me “it must be so nice to be at home all the time” is ridiculous.

The person saying it is thinking of the fun type of staying at home, where you decide to have a duvet day and watch movies and eat toast in your pants.

But now people are being faced with the less fun kind. The kind where you can’t leave.

Staying at home because you want to… fun. Staying at home because of Doom Plague Potential… not fun. (Also, bagsy “Doom Plague Potential” as a band name.)

It’s tough being uncertain when you’re going to see people, do things or get on with your life, but…

If you think about it, you are making a choice. You’re making the choice to put your health first. That’s sensible.

And if you’re careful with others who are more at risk then you’re making the choice to be kind. That’s even better.

You can do it

I’m not even meaning this in an inspirational quote sense, you can actually do this. It may be tricky, but if I can last half a decade in my house, you can last a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months.

If you’re actually sick then make sure you have people who can check up on you via the internet or phone if not in person. Seek medical attention where necessary.

Otherwise…

The Internet exists - embrace it

All that “put down your phone and live in the REAL WORLD” stuff is about to become a load of cobblers.

You will feel lonely, the Internet is a great tool to prevent that, so embrace it.

Group chats, social media, and video chats make a MASSIVE difference in the lives of people stuck at home, so utilise that.

Even when you’re watching tv, have a group chat of mates watching the same thing and talk about it as if you’re all there together. Because you are... kind of.

You can also contact plenty of mental healthcare professionals over the internet (or phone) if you feel that’s something you need. Don’t be afraid to reach out. There are people available.

The Internet isn’t real

At the same time as the internet being an amazing tool and opportunity for social interaction, it’s important to remember that it’s not a complete experience of the world.

It seems obvious when you’re able to leave the house, but it will quickly become clear that things start to feel a bit more skewed without the regular interaction of polite (or not so polite) strangers in everyday life.

Things will seem more polarised and polarising, and specific, potentially small things may seem extremely important. That’s normal, just... bear it in mind and take a deep breath before reacting to things.

TV, Radio, Things to do!

If you, unlike me, are at home as a precautionary measure instead of long term health condition you can probably do things. Hooray!

Right now that is less than you're used to, and BELIEVE ME I know that feel, bro, but you can still do things and that’s wonderful.

Imagining a lengthy period where you’re stuck at home sounds awful, but imagine it without TV, books or the internet. Or crafts. Or DIY. Or the ability to clean your clothes or yourself.

I’m trying really hard not to play the “be grateful” card here, because people have said it to me despite me struggling (or being completely unable) to do any of those things and it made me want to bite them. But also... you can likely do those things. So maybe this is the point where all those trite inspiration memes come in handy and you can embrace the things you can do.

Unless you are sick, in which case, for the love of all that is holy, do not do the things.

Stay in bed. Drink fluids. Have people check in on you as safely as possible. Resist the urge to get up and make your body fight harder than it is, because that will not help you.

Trust me, despite all those “you can do anything if you BELIEVE” quotes, it’s not strong or clever to push your body when it’s struggling. You will just use up energy your body could be using to heal you. Take it from the sick person.

Stay in bed till you feel better, and then a bit longer, just to make sure.

And resist the urge to go out in public and rub your germy self onto various surfaces.

You will come to love your Postie/Courier.

Oh, those kind humans who strive through wind and gale to bring us parcels and food, and most importantly, contact with the outside world.

A face! A new face! Possibly some small talk. You never knew that was a thing you could miss before this moment.

Will you potentially feel the need to disinfect everything you get in the post? Possibly. Will you be ever so glad to see someone who doesn’t live in your house or flat? Most definitely.

They must be protected for they are the keepers of the parcels.

Time will lose all meaning.

The only thing I can reliably liken it to is that weird week between Christmas and New Year where you don’t know what day, time or year it is. Or why you’re covered in biscuit crumbs.

If you don’t celebrate these events and have have no prior experience in this weird time warp... I’m sorry. Things are about to get real.

I genuinely forget my own age at this point.

Keep to a regular schedule.

You’re going to re-enter the world at some point but that’s going to be difficult if your schedule is all messed up.

Keeping to a normal(ish) schedule will also mean you’re more likely to sleep better, which will be handy if you do actually get sick.

If you’re going to be working from home then you’re probably going to have to use alarms to get you to do anything because otherwise you will look up and it’s three in the afternoon, you’ve done nothing and you’re still in your jim-jams.

(To be fair, if you want to work in your jim-jams that’s a totally valid choice.)

Try to stick to specific working hours if you can. It’s much easier to switch off your mind from work worries when you’ve got commute time in the middle, so having set hours or a signal to yourself (like changing clothes) that the work day is over will help you wind down a bit easier. I remember that much from my healthy freelance days.

Exercise?

I imagine that if you’re housebound without being sick you’re probably going to have a ton of pent up energy.

I’ll admit I’m completely guessing here, because energy is quite literally what my body is rubbish at producing so exercising makes me worse, which is why I’m stuck in my house unable to do anything in the first place.

Looking back at those heady years before I got sick, however, I would get pretty restless being stuck inside during that weird post-Christmas week, so it’s probably good to try and exercise some of that off.

Stretches, yoga, kick a football about in the garden. Whatever floats your boat.

You’ll probably sleep better and it’s good for releasing endorphins too.

Again, if you’re sick, don’t do this. Just don’t. Coronavirus targets your respiratory system so nobody wants you to be doing star jumps like a muppet. Go lie down.

Touch withdrawal

If you live on your own, or even if people inside your house are avoiding contact to prevent potential contamination you may experience mild touch withdrawal. I don’t know if that’s an official term, but that’s what I’m calling it.

You can counter this with:

Blankets, duvets, or weighted blankets

There’s a reason people are given shock blankets after trauma, and that’s to simulate a hug and release the associated endorphins. Having a blanket, duvet or weighted blanket around you will do that same thing.

Pets

Having access to a furry (or scaly or feathered) friend will help with loneliness and touch withdrawal. A lot of them will be loving the chance to spend more time with you.

ASMR

I’ve had people tell me that ASMR videos help them with loneliness and touch withdrawal.

ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response and is basically a tingly feeling of calm and being cared for that a person can experience when watching or listening to certain triggers.

YouTube is full of people tapping on bottles and turning books pages, and it can be really useful.

I was a bit dubious to begin with, but honestly the ones where the person pretends to cut your hair make me into a giant pile of goop.

Not the same as long term isolation

This is going to pass. You will be able to leave the house again, and it will be relatively soon.

When it does, please be respectful of those who are still here.

Yes, a two week quarantine might give you a tiny glimpse into what it’s like to be housebound, but it won’t make you an expert in long term isolation due to illness or disability. That’s a whole other ball game.

Please do not equate the two, because it honestly feels a randomer in a bar who has spent two minutes thinking on a topic telling you about something you have a doctorate in.

Coronavirus is scary, and quarantine or self-isolation is not something you’re used to but it is temporary.

Finally

If disabled or sick people are getting salty on the internet it’s because they have reason to be.

A lot of us have been stuck like this for years or even decades, and many of the options that would make things much more accessible for us have only magically become possible now there’s a threat to the general, abled population.

It doesn’t help that lots of people are trotting out the old “it’s only the old and sick who are in danger”. Thanks for that, mate. So glad that it’s only us sickies (and oldies) who might die and not the important, useful people that are in danger.

Many of us do not have that light at the end of the tunnel when we can leave the house and just get on with our lives. I have no idea when or if I will be able to rejoin society fully, or even partly. And I just have to get on with it.

So take this opportunity to be a little more mindful of those people.

I do hope this helps people who are nervous about being isolated. Keep calm. It will be alright.

Originally posted on superpooped.blogspot.com

#coronavirus #corona #covid 19 #covidー19 #covid19 #isolation #self isolation #quarantine #quarantined #virus #stay home #mecfs #pwme #disability #disabled #chronic illness #ableism #housebound

6 notes · View notes

pi-cat000 · 6 years ago

Text

MSA time travel idea (part 25)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Vivi POV, 8, 9, 10, Lewis POV, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, Lance POV 18, 19, Lewis POV 2, 21 , 22, Vivi POV 2, 24,

Part 26: here

“Welcome to MacDonalds Sir. Can I take your order?”

The van stops at a drive through, halfway to the hospital and his Uncle. Doom hangs over Arthur like a dense grey fog. A clock slowly counting down.

“Hey. You want anything?” The demon asks, nonchalantly rifling around in the glovebox for spare change.

Arthur’s never swum in the ocean, but he’s watched enough media to estimate and guess that this is what drowning feels like. Memories crash over him, pulling him about in waves. It’s had to keep a grip on what is current and what is past. It’s hitting him all at once. Images of Lewis falling are now mixing in with frames on Darrel’s motionless body left out in the middle of nowhere, carelessly kicked to the side of a narrow dirt road. Alone. Just like Lewis. Left behind to rot. Who knows if anyone would find him. Did Darrel have a family? Arthur can’t remember. What he does know is that it’s all his fault…and he can’t stop. Arthur needs help. He desperately needs help, but there’s no one. The only people who care are miles away and completely ignorant.

‘Why?’

The question is out before he gets the chance to clarify, his thoughts not coherent enough to manage a full sentence. There must be a reason. A point to everything. Because, if there isn’t, then there is no way that Arthur can convince this creature to stop. To leave his Uncle alone.

“Cause we’re hungry. Duh. Try not to ask dumb questions.” Arthur is dismissed, the demon turning back to order. So far, it has been quiet, exuding a calm satisfaction which is only marginally better than manic joy, ignoring Arthur’s thrashing with practised ease. This is the first time Arthur’s had the presence of mind to communicate since leaving Darrel.

At the order collection window, as the serving-girl hands over a brown and red paper bag, she points to her cheek, commenting, “Um. Sir. You have a little dirt on your face. Just there.”

“Do I?” The demon laughs good-naturedly, adjusting the rear-view mirror to reveal their reflection. Arthur looks out, unable to help himself, meeting his own gaze. Bright green eyes stare right at him. The pleasant smile shifts to become mocking. The ‘dirt’ referred to is the small flecks of Darrel’s blood, which have dried a dark brown.

“I do indeed. How embarrassing,” It chuckles, taking the bag, “Thank you for pointing that out.”

The girl smiles back, “Hey no problem. Have a good afternoon sir.”

If only she would lean further out and see the prominent blood splatter across Arthur’s front. She doesn’t. He watches powerlessly, feeling his body wave a goodbye.

“Have to say. I love these new food options. You humans have certainly been busy this last century.”

Now. This is Arthur's opportunity to talk. He needs to use it and convince this creature to stop. It probably won’t work, if anything it’ll make everything worse, but he must try.

‘Why,’ Arthur asks a second time, pulling his focus forward.

“Why what,” The demon is deliberately obtuse, taking a bite with its free hand, steering back onto the highway with the other. Arthur would be grimacing at the taste. The last thing he wants to do is to eat greasy food. Luckily, nausea is primary a physical phenomenon, so his need to throw up is entirely associative.

‘Why are you doing this. What’s the point?’ How does he get it to stop?

The demon chews and slurps down a soda methodically like it is buying time to consider a response. More likely, it knows how anxious waiting makes Arthur.

“Because it’s fun. You know...Spread a little pain and misery. Cause trouble. Mess with the cosmic balance. You do know what fun is right?"

‘I can be plenty miserable without Uncle Lance dying.’ Arthur jumps on the connection despite how tenuous it is, ‘You’ve seen my memories! I can make anything good depressing if I want to.’

“Ha. Yeah. You do know how to screw yourself over. But, regrettably, I never leave a host alive. Personal policy. Less hassle down the line and all.”

‘He’ll be no hassle.’ Arthur lies blatantly because there was no way Lance wouldn’t try to hunt them down if given a chance, ‘Nope. No hassle at all. No one would care if I vanished right now. Especially not Lance.’

“I’m in your head, I can see you lying,” An eye roll, followed by unpleasant chuckling, “Besides, nothing beats the rush of cutting one of your pathetic lives short. All that potential. Poof. Gone.” The discordant sensation of happiness is back again, and Arthur quickly withdraws, mentally flinching away, doing his best to distance himself.

‘Someone will stop you.’

“Who will? The dog? It’s miles away. Won’t be here till tomorrow and by then we’ll be done and dusted. I was thinking of going after Lewis’s family next. Sneak on in, in the dead of night, get em all in their sleep…”

Any further attempts at reasoning fall on deft ears. Begging is just as ineffective. All it does is inflate the awful feeling of calm satisfaction. Apprehensively, Arthur watches the demon wipe the blood off their shared face, energy well and truly spent. A grin is flashed towards the rear-view mirror which has yet to be re-adjusted. Not like this thing cares about road safety. It makes Arthur want to laugh hysterically. But he can’t. He can’t do anything.

Half an hour later, after getting waylaid by some traffic, they’re back at the hospital. All up, it’s hardly been two hours since their departure. They even park in the same spot.

Before heading inside, the demon pulls on one of Arthur’s old work shirts, which he keeps in the van for spur of the moment mechanical work. It’s got a few oil stains down the side and hasn’t seen a good wash in a while, but is inconspicuous when compared to coffee and blood splatters. Now, apart from the eyes, there is no other noticeable difference between the two of them. Nothing that screams ‘I’m a demon on a murder spree, please stop me.’ The sickly green skin Arthur had noted in his memories has faded to a natural colour.

St Peter’s Emergency Ward is as cold and sterile as he remembers. The smell of disinfectant and the return to chilled air-conditioning are equally unwelcome. Nurses, doctors and members of the public mill around, murmuring and talking in low tones. ‘Someone notice! Please,’ Arthur thinks desperately while the demon obtains directions from the reception desk. Despite Arthur’s less than clean appearance no one spares a second glance. Everyone is too busy, caught up in their work and lives, to notice his one falling apart.

An older, matronly woman, sporting a messy bun and tired eyes, ends up leading Arthur to his Uncle’s recovery room. It’s not too far from the main entrance and is, to his dismay, empty of other patents. Space, meant for a second bed, is vacant.

Arthur, the demon- he’s having trouble separating the two -both watch the nurse check his Uncle’s IV, lowering the dosage of whatever is going into Lance’s arm. Probably a mix of pain medication and anti-inflammatories going off Arthur’s previous experience. Curiosity and interest flash between their shared mind. It is taking notes, intently watching the nurse work. Please. Turn around. Turn around and notice what a creepy monster he’s being.

When she does turn, Arthur has already stepped away, acting to part of the worried relative.

“Is he okay. Everything’s okay, right?”

“Your Uncle is recovering as per normal. He’s on a low dose of Dilaudid, to reduce pain and swelling. It’ll make him drowsy when he regains consciousness so don’t be alarmed if he has trouble forming sentences,”

“He’ll regain consciousness? That’s good. When will that happen?” Its barely contained eagerness makes Arthur want to cry in dismay.

“Another hour or two,” The woman gives him a perplexed sideward glance. If she does notice anything strange, it isn’t mentioned. “I’ll have a doctor come by and give you a proper run down and better details shortly.”

“Good. Good. That’s very good. Thank you for letting me know,”

A nod. A kind expression. She moves to away, passing by, leaving Arthur alone. She leaves the demon alone with his Uncle unconscious, helpless in the bed. Eagerly, the demon piolets his body forward, scanning the empty room, eyes landing briefly on the solitary clock decorating the otherwise sparse walls. 4: 59. Tick. Tick. Tick. An audible reminder that Arthur is running out of time. A hand reaches into his pocket to fiddle with Arthur’s keys and the small knife attached. Both are crusted with dry blood which crumbles when touched. They clink together threateningly.

‘What do I have to do to get you to stop. You have to want something. Anything.’

“Sure, I do. It’s just nothing you can give .” Nonchalantly, it approaches the bed, finally acknowledging Arthur's presence.

‘Don’t demons collect souls?’ He asks with increasing desperation. Can he give this thing his soul? Was that something he could do?

“Some. I don’t. I think you’ll find that ‘demon’ is a very broad term, covering a wide range of individuals. Besides, your soul is super screwy. Whatever’s shoved it back in here has bound it in tight, so I’d probably have to rip it up to get it free, rendering the activity pointless. So, no deal…But thanks for the offer. I’m flattered.”

‘Please. Stop. I’ll do anything!’

Does he really have nothing? No way to save his Uncle. The only member of his whole freakin family who gave a damn and he can’t even save him. Useless. Why does he fail in all the ways that matter most?

“Oh, don’t mope. Just think, once we finish up here, you’ll never have to worry about failing anybody ever again. No lying. No stress. Doesn’t that sound nice.”

It doesn’t sound nice. It’s the opposite of nice!

The demon drags over the one visitor's chair, which squeaks along the lino flooring, slumping down to stare at his uncle, waiting. It fingers the IV tubing, tracing the piping up to the control dial and back again. Deliberately, it pinches the thin tube shut, attention jumping back to Lance, scanning for any changes.

Waiting.

The waiting is terrible. Especially, when Arthur can feel its attention, partially giddy, laser-focused onto his Uncle. Arthur’s never seen the man look so pale or sickly. Apart from the odd work-related accident, which is impossible to avoid even with strict safety standards, his Uncle has always been healthy. Even the rare times he has seen the man sick it was still ‘no big deal,’ ‘just a scratch,’ or ‘the bodies way of forcing me ta rest.’ While Arthur flip-flopped from one emotional extreme to the next, his Uncle had been a steady, seemingly indestructible, pillar of support. Arthur had never said thank you for any of that. Worse, he’d repaid all that kindness with lies and evasion. Lance should have never taken him in. He had been more trouble than it was worth in his original timeline and he’s definitely not worth it now.

“Hey. HEY!” The demon grows tired of the waiting and gives his Uncle a light slap on the cheek with its free hand, “Wake up.”

“Arthur?” The word is half muttered, barely audible. Lance is phasing into consciousness slowly.

‘Just say asleep. Stay asleep a little longer. Someone has to come in and stop him. Please.’

“In a manner of speaking. Yeah. I’m Arthur.”

That gets his Uncle’s attention. Lance violently twitches, forcing an eye open. It locks onto him, hazy but critical. Despite being in obvious pain a hand flashes out, snapping onto to Arthur’s wrist, pulling the hand away from his face. The grip is firm abet weaker than Arthur’s expecting.

“Whoa, you might want to take it easily Uncle Lance. Wouldn’t want to pull any stitches. You were stabbed five times you know.”

“You,” His Uncle growls hatefully, eyes narrowing, “Get out of Arthur ya fuckin, slimy piece of shit, bastard.”

“That’s some strong language. And in front of your nephew. He’s watching you know,”

A loose flick and the demon frees its wrist, efficiently shoving his Uncle back down when he attempts to lunge outwards. The hash action causes Lance to grunt in obvious pain. A move towards the emergency call remote has the demon snatching it up and placing it on the small table just out of reach, tutting in disappointment.

“I’ll get ya. Mark my words…You’ll regret this,” His Uncle spits, his attempts at sitting foiled. His face is pure revulsion and fury. That determination and fire is something Arthur’s never seen directed his way before. It’s all in vain. Nothing matters. Not anymore.

A teasing, “How? You can’t even move. Soon you’ll never move again.” The demon releases its hold on the IV and turns the control dial up to its max setting. Dismayed, Arthur watches the drug take quick effect, rapidly dulling his Uncle’s movements. Eventually, Lance just lies still and glares, even while his eyes are dropping shut.

“Don’t worry about your nephew. He’ll be safe with me. Since you care so much and all.” The glare faulters much to the demon’s renewed glee. The predatory buzz is back, coiled alongside a sensation of anticipation and pleasure.

“Arthur.” His Uncle’s voice loses its heat, softening. He’s struggling to stay conscience, drowsy, eyes shutting.

‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please. Stop. Please. PLEASE.’

A knife is produced after a small struggle. The hinge, which usually allowed it to flip cleanly open, is stiff, jammed with blood. The key ring makes a clinking sound, hitting the side of the metal bed frame. Tap. Tap. Tap. It echoes through the room in time with the ticking clock.

“Now. How do we go about this in a way that won’t immediately alert the plebs?”

‘NONONONO!’

“Kindy slow bleed? Good choice.”

“Nighty night,” It stands upright. The chair squeaks. Blankets and paper thin robe are pulled aside in an energetic flourish, revealing the assortment of bandages covering his Uncle’s chest and side. A second is spent in meticulous calculation. The knife is carefully positioned and thrust in. The demon waits for a beat before pushing forward against any resistance, twisting, then drawing out. Cold satisfaction. His Uncle’s fingers catch on Arthur’s retreating arm. This time, there is no strength behind the grasp, and it’s easily shrugged off.

“Not….You…r… Fa..ul…t...” The words are mumbled and slurred, swallowed up by the silent room. The clock on the wall ticks.

“Eh. Suppose we’ll look a bit suspicious if we stick around.”

The blanket is tossed back into place, covering the reopened wound. They turn, strolling towards the door, practically skipping back down to the reception. Arthur can feel himself splitting, joy mixing in with panic and grief.

Just like his life, he’s falling to pieces.

NOTE: re-writes, re-writes for days. But finally got a version I’m mostly happy with. I’m hoping to have the next section out within a shorter time frame so people aren't stuck on the cliff hanger but no promises.

Part 26: here

#MSA #mystery skulls animated #fanfiction #fanfic #arthur kingsmen #lance kingsmen #the demon?#character death #dark #angst #coarse language #graphic descriptions of violence #emotional disorientation #shit has well and truly hit the fan

65 notes · View notes

rashad95 · 5 years ago

Text

Lowest part of my life...

So, it’s been a really long time since I have written on this. And boy there’s been a lot of things that have happened to me recently. In the past year and a half I’ve experienced being in the lowest part of life I thought I would be in. School caught up with me and I pretty much almost flunked out one of my semesters. Some days or weeks I walked around with nothing more than a few coins in my pockets and less than a dollar in my bank account, not being able to pay for food, and even to the point where I would literally just have to go to bed without eating because I had no food in my fridge at all. I walked around with the heaviest weight on my shoulders and I just kept letting myself get lower and lower. I went to bed crying my eyes out until I could get to sleep because I just physically didn’t want to be alive. I didn’t want to tell my family any of my problems or turmoil because I just felt like all I was to them was a burden and a waste of their time. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I just hated myself and everything about myself. Even music, the one thing that kept me from wanting to end my life in middle school because I just thought I was an ugly monster and no one would ever want to be a friend or someone to talk to wasn’t helping. I thought about just giving up on it all. I mean what was the point? No one would miss me if I died. Everyone’s life would be the same, if not better if I was gone. I just felt nothing for myself anymore.

That all changed on November 15th. I was headed to see my girlfriend and a car pulled out in front of me and I couldn’t stop in time. I slammed into that car, spun out of control and my car flipped several times and landed in a ditch. I passed out for a good five minutes. I just knew that was it for me. I would have had the wish I had wanted. To no longer be a burden to anyone anymore. But God saw different and woke up right back up. Upside down, and pretty sure my car was on the verge of blowing up, some people stopped and tried to get me out of the car, with no avail, they had to wait for the paramedics and police to come and get me out. I was for sure I was just going to die and no one was going to miss me for it. I deserved it. I just made everyones life hell and now they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. When the paramedics got there, I was conscious and unable to move a lot of myself because I was in shock from the wreck. I just was in awe that I was still alive. Getting rushed to the hospital with a brace on my neck and an IV in my arm I just knew that I was not going to be the same. But again, God had a different plan for me. All my test came back negative for any breaks, or any serious damage. Just a lot of soreness and some bruising. Never in my life have I ever been through something this terrible, and I walked out of it without a single scratch on me. Something after that day told me I still had some purpose in this world.

Then in June, I lost my pride and joy, Peaches. She meant the world to me and there wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t have done for her. When I was sick, she stayed by my side the whole time and never moved a muscle. Any time I was in the worst of moods, she’d come and lay right by my side and just have me rub her stomach and just make me feel like the world was mine for the taking. Around the time I left for college, her health started to decline. She would get sick, couldn’t hold food down and was losing and gaining weight like crazy. She got to the point where it was a struggle for her to even come up the stairs and lay by my bed at night. I remember the last night I saw her, she was standing at the bottom of the stairs and she couldn’t walk up them and she was just crying and whining for me, so I came down the stairs and helped her get up them. She almost fell back down then and I just picked her up and carried her the rest of the way. I remember helping her come to my door and she just plopped down in so much pain. I stayed out there laying on the floor rubbing her stomach saying “it’s okay, Peach, you’re strong and you’re going to make it, you’re battle is almost over, honey” because I knew she was going to pass sometime soon. I had a wedding to attend, and had to leave for the weekend, but I knew that when I came home, she would be gone. She passed the night I left to go, and the last words I said to her was “I’ll be back soon”. I didn’t even get to tell her goodbye and it broke my heart into pieces. I cried myself to sleep for nights about it, and I still do. I miss her so much and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to see her again and tell her goodbye. But again, I know for a fact that there wasn’t a time in here life that she didn’t know that I loved her to death.

And about a week ago, I was in another wreck, and this one wasn’t as major as the last one, but I just stared in awe as they had to take the man away on a stretcher. Just watching everyone just rush to his aid and make sure he was okay. Some person just looked at me and said: “what the fuck is wrong with you, kid?!” I couldn’t say anything but just look at him. The man was a veteran in the Vietnam War, and I could have possibly just taken his life because I over corrected. Stupid stupid stupid me. I came home and I cried my eyes out to my mom. I’ve never been so mad and scared in my life about it. I still wonder to this day what would have happened he had died. I would have never been able to live with myself. I just think why does God continue to let me ruin people’s lives? That’s all I’m doing. And it still feels like that every single day. I just don’t know why I shouldn’t have just died a year ago. No problems would have ever happened again because of me.

But I remember that I have two parents who have literally given up their lives and have supported every single thing I’ve done. There’s never been a time that I wanted for something and couldn’t get it. I learned over this year that if ever I have a problem that they will do their damndest to make sure that I can have everything I need to keep myself going strong. I have a sister who at one point in life I thought she was the most annoying person in the world, and now she’s literally helped me get through so much in the past year, even while she’s dealing with her medical conditions that she has. And last but not least, my amazing girlfriend who at one point I thought I would never have a chance to tell her that she’s the sparkle in my eye that keeps me sane and always smiling. She’s my best friend, and I’m so thankful for her. There’s never been a time in our relationship of almost two years that I have ever doubted that she loves me unconditionally, and that just makes living knowing that we have an amazing and bright future with her. I can’t say that I’m not blessed, because I know that I am.

All in all, I’ve had a pretty shitty past two years. There’s been so many times that I honestly wanted to just end my life, and when the opportunity came for it to happen, God said NO, and I can never doubt in my mind that He have unconditional love for me. I’ve got a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive, a supportive and loving family, second family, friends and a fraternity of brothers who I know always see the best in me when I don’t see it in myself, and I know that I’m blessed beyond measure. And I honestly couldn’t be happier with my life now. Ups and downs come with the human experience, it’s just how we decide to continue moving foreward in every step we take.

#self love #real life #happytime #Blessedbeyondmeasure #preserverance #stives #living #life advice #testimony

0 notes

fantasyandromancelover · 6 years ago

Text

Dark Shadows Chapter 3

That very same night Miroku was outside working in the garden. Well he was supposed to be anyway but instead he was up in a tree spying on Sango through her bedroom window, waiting for her to get undressed for bed.

"That's it." He whispered. "Come on. Take off the shirt."

She started to but then stopped, picked up her evening clothes, and went into the bathroom to change.

"Damn it!" Miroku cursed.

He then slid down the tree and started digging holes in the garden to plant vegetable seeds in tomorrow afternoon. As he dug he came upon numerous things. A few rocks, some old tree shots, a couple animal bones, nothing out of the ordinary that is until he hit something extremely hard and difficult to dig up.

"What the hell is this?"

He began to dig into the spot and brushed away the dirt until he uncovered an iron coffin covered in chains.

"This coffin belongs in a proper graveyard not here. I better bury it in the cemetery so the poor soul in there can rest peacefully."

But as soon as Miroku removed the coffin from it's spot it began to shake rapidly and insanely until the chains broke and the coffin door flung open. Miroku was knocked back and watched as a young man with long white hair, fangs, claws, and red eyes rose from it. Most people would've been petrified with fear or run away screaming but Miroku knew what this man was and how to deal with him. You see before he became Kaede's groundskeeper he prevoprevi worked as a highly trained exorcist, dealing with vampires, witches, evil spirits, and unholy forces of the devil.

Miroku quickly pulled out a crucifix from his pants pocket and held up while also pulling a holy Bible from his back pack.

"In the name of the holy father I command you to cease living in this world and find peace in death!"

But to Miroku's surprise the crucifix had no effect on the vampire man. He glared down at Miroku and sized him by his throat.

"Nice try." He said in a terrifying voice with his red eyes blazing. "But those crucifixes don't work on vampires like me."

He looked down at Miroku's neck, he could hear the man's heart beating rapidly with fear and could feel his blood run cold. It made him lick his fangs as he felt extreme thirst. He pinned Miroku down, climbed on top of him, and prepared to drain him dry when something fell out of Miroku's pocket. He picked it up and examined it. It was a photograph of Miroku with Kaede, Sango, and Shippo, laughing and smiling. This man had a family that he loved and seeing it caused the vampire to soften. He got off of Miroku, released his throat, and helped him to his feet. Then his red eyes turned gold.

"Listen if you answer my questions truthfully then I won't harm you and I'll know if you're lying. Now who are you?"

"My...My name is Miroku." The groundskeeper replied trembling.

"Why did you unearth me?"

"I...I didn't mean to. I found your coffin while I was digging in the garden. I was going to move you to the cemetery tomorrow so you wouldn't be disturbed."

"What is the year?"

"1972."

"1972? Damn! I've been in there for a long time!" He looked back at Miroku who looked like that he was ready to pass out from fear.

"My...My cross didn't work on you...How?"

"Because I'm not all dead yet."

"What does that mean?"

"Okay let me guess you're an exorcist right?"

"Yeah."

"So you're aware of vampires right?"

"Yes."

"And you know how humans become vampires right?"

"Yes. If another vampire kills them with a bite then they come back as those undead monsters."

"Actually there are two ways. One is what you just said and the other is through witchcraft in which humans become vampires when they're still alive. So since I'm not undead crucifixes and holy water will do nothing to me."

"Oh crap."

"But I can still die by sunlight, garlic, and that whole wooden stake through the heart mess."

"I've...I've seen you before or rather someone who looks like you. They were in one of Kaede's old pictures but the hair and eyes are a totally different color."

"Black hair? Brown eyes?"

"Yes."

"That was me. Or rather it was me two centuries ago when I was human."

"Who are you?"

"My name is Inuyasha and I once owned this mansion."

"What do you want?"

"I'm not going to hurt you. You got me out of that underground hell hole so I'm in dept to you."

"It's not my life I'm worried about." Miroku said eyeing the picture of in Inuyasha's hand.

"Oh yeah your family I'm not going to hurt them either."

"Well they're not really my family but they're very important to me and I swear if you hurt either of them-"

"I won't."

"That's what you say but I know you're kind. I've fought vampires before and they kill without mercy."

"Some but not all. I don't kill needlessly and I don't kill the innocent."

"But you do kill?"

"Just to live but believe me I target mostly animals and occasionally criminals but I swear to you I will not harm anyone innocent or dear to you. I just want to live in my home again."

"Well I don't know about that because it belongs to Kaede."

"Kaede? She's still alive?"

"You know her?"

"She was the younger sister of a woman I knew years ago. Before I was sealed away I wrote a will saying that she and her family would inherit everything I owned including the house and my business."

"Then I think you're referring to Kaede's great, great, great, great, great...You get the idea. Grandmother who she was named after her."

"Oh so she's dead and this is just one of her descendants."

"I don't know if I should trust you."

"I figured you might say that. Would it help if I drank from a live animal in front of you?"

"No! That's disgusting!"

"Look I haven't killed you yet so that must prove something right?"

"I suppose. You promise not to hurt anyone in that house?"

"I swear not to harm anyone you love and care for."

"Fine."

"Good and one more thing. Don't tell anyone who or what I am."

"Deal."

The next evening Inuyasha arrived at the mansion introducing himself as a distant descendant of the previous family that lived there and all this time he had been living in a distant country. At first Kaede and the others weren't convinced until they saw that he was a dead ringer for the man in the portrait above the fireplace.

"I don't recall the first Inuyasha ever having any children." Kaede said. "We were told his family line ended with him."

"Well he did have an older brother and I believe he did marry and start a family." Inuyasha said.

"What up with your hair and eyes?" Shippo asked.

"I...I have a very rare medical condition."

"How rare?" Sango asked.

"Extremely. A genetic disorder which caused me to be born with unsual hair color, eyes, and an allergy to the sun."

"Goodness how awful." Kaede said.

"Why are you wearing clothes like that?" Sango asked.

Inuyasha looked down at his apparel.

"What's wrong with them?"

"He uh just came from a costume party when it started raining and he lost his luggage. Yeah that's it." Miroku said.

"Hey how old are you kids?" Inuyasha said.

"I'm eight." Shippo said.

"I'm sixteen almost seventeen." Sango said.

"And you're not married yet?"

"Of course not she's much too young." Kaede said.

"Where he comes from girls get married real young." Miroku said.

"Well here young ladies wait until they're at least eighteen before they marry." Kaede said. "So tell me Inuyasha what brings you here?"

"Well I would like to move into my ancestoral home and help out in the family business."

"Good luck with that." Sango said. "Our trade business has been in a rut for years. We lost it to a rival company."

"Well I'm sure that I can change that. So do you mind if I stay here? Technically it does belong to me but I'm not going to kick anyone out."

"I don't see a problem." Kaede said. "So you've met me, Shippo, Sango, and Miroku. Let me introduce you to Kagura and Kagome."

"Kagura went out to buy more booze." Miroku said.

"Again? I swear if she wasn't the only therapist we could afford I would fire her. Inuyasha, Kagura is our live in therapist who has a huge alcohol problem and Kagome is Shippo's governess. Miroku fetch her will you?"

"Yes ma'am."

Miroku went upstairs to tell Kagome about their new guest. Inuyasha felt as if all time stopped when Kagome entered the room. As soon as he laid eyes on her, it was like he had seen a ghost because she looked identical to Kikyo the woman he loved and lost so many years ago. At first he thought that she was Kikyo who had come back to him by some miracle but as soon as he smelled her scent he realized that this was a different woman.

"Hello I'm Kagome. I'm the governess here, it's very nice to meet you."

She held out her hand to shake. At first Inuyasha was stunned. Why did this woman look like Kikyo? Was this some kind of cruel joke that fate was playing on him?

"Why do you look like that?" He asked her.

"I beg your pardon." She said.

"Nothing... Nothing except I don't find how you're dressed very appealing."

"Excuse me?!" She said feeling insulted.

"Sorry I would have complimented you but I'm not supposed to lie."

"How rude!"

"Inuyasha what's wrong with you? That's no way to speak to a lady?" Miroku scolded.

Inuyasha knew better than to be so insulting but he was very angry right now. Angry at fate for creating a woman who looked like the woman he loved. How dare they pull such a cruel and unfair twist. He grabbed Miroku and pulled him aside for a private conversation.

"Miroku keep that woman away from me." He told him.

"Why?"

"Nevermind just do it. Make sure she never ever comes near me."

"Alright."

"Good now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get a drink."

#inuyasha #inukag #kagome #dark shadows au #dark shadows #fanfic #fanfiction #vampire

1 note · View note

2dtacokit-blog · 7 years ago

Text

oh jeez. Coming Back and I guess, Coming Out?

Well it has been over a few years I think since I was last on here and boy has things changed, myself included. I wasn’t planning on coming back on here as it was a horrendous triggering mess, couldn’t stand the bitchiness and toddlers... But my best buddy dragged my sorry ass back. My blog was an unmitigated disaster, I cringed for the longest time and was furious with myself. Mass deleting spree. It’s a long old read, maybe the longest post in the entire universe, but I cannot put this concisely. If you make it to the end, I thank you for witnessing this.

TW for CSA, SA, R, Su, Si. Just tread carefully. Crude, explicit and uncensored.

If you know me in real life, please please do not reveal this information.

Some things are the same, still parenting, still confused, still in therapy, still fighting the same old demons but a lot has changed. I have grown up for a start, wizened up a bit, got some of my shit together and I am now single. I gave two fingers up to the NHS mental health service after the complete closure of therapeutic services in my area and sought private medical care. I am in private analytic psychotherapy weekly, getting to know myselves. I have now been formally/clinically diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, which has been a tough nut to get my teeth around. An old me, unsure who, used to write about it on here with complete assurance that it was the case and I didn’t recognise that attitude when I came back on. I will now be a lot more cautious with what I write with relation to my mental health because it puts me at great risk. I do not want the whole perimeter for my existence to be based on my mental health anymore... Even though it still governs my existence.

So yes, we are a “system” working towards consolidation of trauma and experiences in therapy and with private specialists, but we are primarily Aly.

Another biggie to cover, and this will be the first place other than the survivors forum I will post this on, is that I am having serious issues with gender dysphoria. Now this is gonna sound very strange, for most that have known me I have seemed someone who sexualized their female body continually, putting it on display and clinging to it. Well... It came as a shock to me as to anyone I haven’t already come out to (literally 5 people I know in real life?). I will do what I can to explain and make sense of what is an ongoing discovery with my therapist.

Trauma fucks with people in many ways. Sexual and psychological trauma is an insidious beast that disguises themselves in many forms. Now as I have already covered, I have DID. A condition caused by having to adapt to survive severe and repeated complex trauma in childhood. I still have not much of an idea what that is but other me’s do. That is neither here or there for now, that is my business, but what it does is erase chunks of my memory of things I have been unable to process/deal with.

As a kid, I was abnormal to say the least. A large chunk of that was due to trauma, switching continually and just casually failing my way through anything other than academics. One thing I didn’t understand was how the heck I couldn’t connect to the girls around me. I didn’t understand them, couldn’t get my head around how they worked or how they looked. I was tall, scrawny, long haired boyish thing that was torn between doing what they loved (getting muddy, trashing shit, buying the most ridiculous jeans you can imagine, pummelling people in rugby, pummelling people in the playground ((not proud of it)), studying, hanging out with boys, being silly) and who I felt I should be (cute, girly, into pink, dancers, sweet, gentle).

That conflict tore my little primary school brain apart. What used to happen at home is a mystery but school was agony. I would go in a dishevelled mess and was a freak, as all and sundry used to make clear. Girls didn’t want me as their friend because I wasn’t like them, and my attempts to emulate them came across desperate, copycat, attention seeking behaviour. But dammit I still tried. Tried the pink, tried the cute stuff, but they were my sisters stuff... Not for me. I loved them but they didn’t look right on me, made me feel worse. My younger sister was an alien to me; a proper real life girl and that highlighted my freakishness. I was being rejected by everyone. Experiencing massive emotional and physical neglect at home, bullied at school, turned away by counsellors and tutors, ofc rejected by the boys and girls I fancied.

ENTER FROM THE LEFT MY MAGICALLY SHIT DISSOCIATIVE POWERS.

I had a few angry boy personalities about by this time, I didn’t know they were boys until like September last year. I had a mass emergence of parts, all male, that stored these memories like time capsules. Memories I had forgotten due to my dissociative amnesia. Anyway, similarly to how these parts formed and were there early, so came a female personality. One that could preform girl where the rest of us couldn’t. Not very well at this stage, she was a young girl, but she dutifully tried to copy the girls we grew up around. Camouflaging what I guess was early stage dysphoria from myself and those around me. This part felt terror at appearing anything like a boy, because looking like a boy when we should be a girl would get us bullied and rejected again. And we were alone enough.

Around this time, I think between 9-11, I was visibly changing a lot in photos. Sometimes I would be incredibly tomboyish, othertimes... painfully... a mismatched attempt at what we felt a girl should be. Combine that with the elusive sexual abuse we aren’t clear of yet, we prioritised being sexually attractive over all else. Boys liked girls that had tits. Boys liked girls that liked their tits. My family liked girls that were girls, and tits were a thing girls had, make up were what girls wore. Girls liked girls that looked like girls, and were jealous of girls who looked sexy. Well that is who we will be, couldn’t be cute, so let’s be sexy instead. I wore miniskirts that were obscene, tank tops saying “sexy kitty” on it, and stuffed my croptop to make sure my tiny prepubescent body looked that little bit more adult. That didn’t go how we wanted it to. We looked more like a freak than ever because parts were still clinging desperately to their boyhood, and we looked like a clusterfuck to be honest. A sad one though. Desperately sad and my heart breaks to look back at that confused person in the photos.To be clear though, we were not at this point attaching any of this to gender, boyhood wasn't at this point me saying “LOOK I AM A BOY” but kinda what we really were without connecting the word boy to it. I wasn’t afforded an opinion of my own at this age, raised in the church, within a violent and abusive household in literally one of the whitest, hetero-normative, conservative towns in the UK erases ones ability to discover themselves.

In a final act of madness to solidify that i was a normal girl we went to an all girls school.

Mistake.

Before we even got to that dam school we watched The Matrix. For the first time we saw someone that looked like a girl but also looked like a boy. We were mystified. We bypassed Trinity, she was a she and we didn’t connect at all, but the blonde one (who died very early on) has short boyish spiky hair. So we took our smol ass to the hairdressers and insisted we got our past shoulder length hair cut completely off. That did not go the way we planned. We looked older, looked somehow more like a freak girl/boy thing, and it was horrifying. We also looked like our mum, which was another problem related to the abuse stuff. We cried for ages because we felt like a freak, didn’t understand why we did it, couldn’t change it and we were about to start at the new, All Girls Grammar school. Shit.

The first two years at that school was hell. My mum finally kicked my dad out, but we were still having to see him weekly. I was at this point dissociating all the time. I would have three loads of school stuff with me all the time, for reasons i couldn’t understand. I didn’t understand why the other girls had one pencil case when I had 3, had to have 3! How in the heck did these girls carry their stuff not in a bag or a giant tray like I had to?! Well I was catering to the parts that were present without knowing it. Either way I was bait man, freaking bait.

Skinny, tall, covered head to toe in excoriation marks, short tufty hair, looked like a boy, but so desperate to fit in I wore my dam mums make up. I got lost all the time, was crying all the time or having fits where i would smash stuff, steal things, yell for no reason or be very sexually overt. I was torn apart. A website was set up by my old so called friends called The Aly Fan Club, where they took photos of me around school, uploaded them to the net and commented on them, with people (usually men) commenting what they wanted to do to me. I took all this in silence because when i got home, my amnesia would wipe that shit clean from my brain for ages. From one hell to another.

Coming out as what I thought was gay at this time was another huge problem, like any emo nerd I drew all this trash and put it on dA. In no time at all, most of the school knew I liked girls and there was now something NEW to bully me for. I tried to see this as punishment for my bullying behaviour in primary school to justify it but there was no justification. So much at this point was about punishment.

Punishment for being a freak, for being a loser, for not being like anyone else in this entire dam school. Punishment for looking so gross, for wanting these awful, naughty things, for liking the wrong people, for drawing how i felt... I needed to be punished. So I let it continue. I was an awful person and i needed to be punished.

But here is a thing. Breasts. When mine came in they came in suddenly. It felt like all my prayers had been answered and my ticket to being a girl like all these other girls had been called. I was One Of Them. I hated my body so much because of the hatred I got from others and my own discomfort that when these babies came in I adored them. Not what I anticipate anyone expects to here from someone suspecting they are a trans guy? “if you were truly dysphoric you would have hated them, that would have made it worse!” well for most cases probably. What these fatty parts gave me was attention, which i had been starved from in almost all aspects of my life, family included. What’s more, this attention was positive. I had never experienced such a thing for my body before that wasn’t... locked in another trauma pocket.

For someone who was ready to kill themselves at age 12 because they were such an unforgivable, wretched, disgusting, freak, that wasn't even a girl, that couldn't stop biting themselves till they bled... The power my newly sexualised and definitely female body gave me was sorely needed. People fancied me now. They wanted to touch me rather than just hit me, or throw things at me. They wanted to pull me not swear at me or spit at me. Survival Aly adapts, it is what we do, so we adapted. But things were still not right. Self harm was a massive problem, so were suicide attempts because we were still... not quite there yet. We ventured online a lot, where older men from across the world would ask for photos, videos and meets. I had no idea this was sexual grooming, but we were also dependant on that to survive. Somehow though, the impact of that, some bullying that was still happening, my everpresent self hatred, confusion and discomfort and increase in abuse in the home led us to attempt suicide in the school toilet when i was 14.

We tried to cut our neck open this time.

A teacher found us and dragged us to student services. My mum as usual was angry as heck and embarrassed. Apologising for my behaviour and the inconvenience. My dad was cloying like molasses creeping into my head. I remember because i bled all over the blouse of Ms Ginsberg, a tutor i fancied since forever. It wasn’t that severe, it was considered a superficial wound, but the amount we were doing and the continual attempts were serious cause for concern. Then my step mom found photos of me being sexually active at 14 and before, my mom found a load of the video files for the other men and I was hospitalised. Something miraculous occurred during this time though, another part came out. One that was confident and proudly female, one that was overtly sexualised but more cunning. She was a chav, an incredible cheemo (idk if anyone remembers this fashion disaster movement thing). She could adapt and fit in to any social situation and essentially helped us waltz out of hospital with no memory of being there for years.

All memory of confused tomboy/greyspace/whatever the fuck i was me was gone. This me didn’t give a dam and was in it for themselves and to survive, to be adored. And sex was their weapon, they just had to be cunning about it. By this point I was 15 and didn’t really think more about what I was. We were screwing guys now, guys and girls, thought this was something to be proud of. Dismissed the old small group of friends i had for the guys that hung around at the park and girls that used to go out and get drunk. We took naked photos of ourselves and put them online, and paraded ourselves around scantily clad because it made us feel powerful and loved.

At 16 i was raped. I was again at 17 twice, and this pattern continued beyond being hospitalised for the second time at 20 (the worst 21st birthday ever), beyond getting pregnant which was also conceived through rape. I had been sexually abused and raped a lot during this time, but my dissociative amnesia would wipe the memory. So I would know something bad was happening but was denied processing it by my inbuilt survival mechanisms that kept me alive as a kid. I was unable to get out of the loop or register any danger because the switching would be so automatic, so ingrained, it basically was not up to me to get us out of the situation because another part was there in brace position having dissociated fully. All during this time I preformed female because it was necessary. I didn't have room to question my gender because i was too busy surviving and trying to literally not die.

Then the pregnancy. I cant relive any of this trauma stuff too much, that isn't the point of this post but during this time, my gender was more apparent than ever before. Drawings we used to do of parts that had male appendages but still looked female started to change. Become more male. The internal distress was so monumental for many reasons; rape pregnancy, the gen father not leaving us alone, fear of my dad, still loosing my mind, desperately trying to be loved my my partner at the time. But there was another distress there.

I cant be a mum. Women become mums. I cant hold this child in me. This shouldn't be there.

Everyone was hammering home how much of a glowing woman I was and each time they said it I wanted to die. I tortured my body, got others to torture it too. Despised it, loathed it. It wasn't right to any of my parts. Three parts got us through that pregnancy but we dont know who gave birth. I dont remember it. We destroyed almost every pregnant photo of us. What were we disgusted by aside from the feeling of being broken, used and bred? How undeniably, unquestionably female we were.

Even so things were happening inside my head and body that made us feel insane. We started feeling like we had a penis, like felt like we could touch it, could feel stimulated by holding an appendage there (tmi i know). We tried in secret without thinking about it, moving our breasts up, down, flat, out of the way (fairly impossible by this point i was a lactating G cup *vomits*). We had glimmers of feeling male... which... felt good. First time we pegged we cried in the toilet with the door locked because it felt real, felt right though we couldn't explain it. So we were too scared to do it again, tried to force feminise ourselves again because that is WHO WE SHOULD BE. I mean look? I have a kid now, i am “mom”. Stopped drawing these mysterious genderconfused parts and forcefully only drew accurately what our body was. Which was agony.

Until September 2017.

Ploughing through therapy, maturing, making milestones in recovery when we started to talk about childhood trauma, my dad, the first and only time i drew myself fully as a man for my friend, and BAM! Bam! is not overrated it was literally a Bam! moment, because the part emergence I mentioned earlier occurred. And with these male parts came the bloody nail bat of gender dysphoria hitting me in the head over and over till I self harmed for the first time in years. The male parts were terrified and disoriented at first, they had a lot of growing up and catching up to do, some more so than others. They remembered being 15, 13, 10. Remembered the first pegging experience, remembered... things we had no connection to. Now they are mostly my age, helping each other to mature and grow as needed due to being a parent.

The first used to cry and scream in the mirror, punching walls because the body was wrong. Attacking our breasts like i had done subconsciously for years but this time, because they knew their breasts were wrong. They drew themselves over and over to solidify their gender identity when all else was screaming they were female. We pulled away from our partner, couldn't be touched, couldn't be interacted with because it would be a reminder of our gender. We flinched at being called a woman, a girl, female, and with that came memories of feeling like that as a kid. Fuck me, we were dysphoric as a kid. The first proper realisation.

Up until this point we had NO idea we had ever experienced gender dysphoria. But this is how DID works. It erases traumatic information and stores it in the parts that dealt with it. When the parts properly emerge, this information is leaked out over time. So great. Dysphoria.

Another part came out to implement what I am now starting to think is their cure for this, to ultimately feminise us. Because we needed to be female. Erase the dysphoria and with it that other male part. Nothing feminises me quicker than one of my most terrifying abusers. So guess what bellend got back in contact and re-traumatised the system, this one *points to self in dismay*. Long story short, shit went down, not un consensual shit as before but still shit. That part would routinely draw the male part being hurt by this guy over and over again till they freaked out.

But wait! The hellscape is not over. From stage right we have another destructive part, hyper-masculine, angry and unempathetic. Grateful to him because his presence pulled us away from that guy (he viewed him as pathetic and beneath him), but now we are just... drinking. Getting wasted in the park, hitting things, smoking up at night again. My specialist had told me to get to know these parts as they are vital for my recovery so we drew what they needed us to draw and goddam these guys are hurt. These are protective parts. They took the shit we couldn’t. And this one, swearing at my partner, exploding all over the place, trying to run away, self harming, kicking the shit out of the wheely bin outside survives threat of physical violence. The one that went to my old abuser survives some of the more extreme sexual violence and torture and the first male part deals with psychological abuse. I can see it in their drawings, their confessions and in our therapy sessions. We have other parts but they dont want to be discussed.

All of these parts are heavily dysphoric because they are all male. Unquestionably so. Their rage at this body is because it isn’t the right one. So where do I come into it, me being the primary/fronting part, or leader of the twisted UN committee that is my brain? That has taken longer to figure out, and has been a more agonising journey.

I am dysphoric too.

I cannot erase now i have them, the memories of my childhood spent dysphoric. The memories of trying at any cost to be a girl. Which shouldn’t be hard considering genetically I am one. I have had to fight within myself my transphobia i didn't even know was present. We aren’t talking bigotry here, but the genuine terror that i could be transgender. When most of the make up of who I am, and my survival to this day has been formulated by trying to accepted, loved, normal (though i failed at that horribly), not rejected and safe from physical, sexual and psychological abuse... Coming to terms with the fact you are transgender is not a comfortable thought. Not one I welcomed, and one that terrified us.

The fear of being transgender was so great it made us sick, sent us into crisis, started us self harming again. Trying everything we can to not be transgender because I have been through enough and survival brain is screaming as loud as it can that this will cause serious problems. But we couldn’t. Cant draw myself as a girl at all without wanting to cry or wretch. Cant wear girls clothes because i feel like i am crossdressing?! Cant wear bras, cant do feminine make up, cant do anything I used to do to be accepted anymore. Cant be a girlfriend anymore.

We started without realising it trying to make ourselves masculine. We would zone out and be drawing on facial hair with eyebrow pencil, tried using vetwrap to bind my chest, do not do this, it bruised us for days. We bought a mans top and a guys jeans and we lived in them exclusively unless family was over. We started wearing boxers, packing (though going to the loo and watching a dam sock fall out your pants makes your dysphoria worse and left us feeling humiliated so stopped doing this). I started drawing me not my parts but me and that me was always always male unless we were trying to force ourselves to draw a female us.

We reached out eventually to my best friend Ruth, and they encouraged us to get a binder. This provoked fear again. Self harm, self medicating, the usual destructive bs. But now the distress levels were triggering depersonalisation and derealisation; both symptoms of DID survival patterns. We stopped being able to recognise ourselves in mirrors because the damn amnesia was wiping it in an instant. My hands would feel male then flick to female, my body was glitching continually and I tried to get out of buying a binder by talking about my “genuine transgender friends” saying how I couldn't be trans because of their experience, that I am so obviously taking the piss, that I cannot be trans this must all be trauma. But Ruth stuck with me, as did a few other people, and still pushed for me to get a binder just to see how it felt.

I did and when it arrived and i tried it on the reaction was... well... overwhelming. Much like looking in the mirror seeing what is a very female face with a drawn on beard, i was looking at a body i hated being crammed into something that kinda hurt to put on, and making me look like i had a deformed ribcage. I cried. I dont know what i expected in that moment. Maybe that all the dysphoria will go away and it would be fixed and that would be that. All okay. But no. I felt sad that I was punishing my body for not being right, angry at myself for not being able to just be a dam woman. I MADE A BABY WITH MY BODY THIS SHIT SHOULD BE EASY.

Standing in a mirror, with a binder on, boxers on and socks stuffed in them trying my best to look like a man, I felt like a freak.

But then i put a shirt on. And holy heck i could see my feet. I was small, the first time i have ever looked at myself and seen a small body rather than something deformed that i see when i see my breasts. I looked smart, I looked beautiful in that shirt. The tears were still rolling down my dam cheeks, and i was a snotty wreck but I for the first time in 4-5 years I also didn't feel rage at being fat. Because I wasn't fat, not in the slightest. Standing there in shirt and boxers with flat chest, masc make up on, i looked like a guy... just about. And i smiled. I smiled so much.

I urgently facetimed Ruth and was like “come see how good I look” something I hadn’t genuinely felt in a very long time unless a man thought I was sexy. But here, in my tip of a room, almost dancing on cam for my best friend, showing her how i could bend over and no udders were just dangling there, how i could type and see my hands move... I looked at myself and felt good. I didn't care if anyone else thought i looked good because I felt on top of the world

This was my first introduction to gender euphoria, that wasn’t related to some obscure masturbatory habits and pegging. That feeling made things liveable for a while. I wanted to chase that feeling because it felt incredible. I was working out before but now I did it to not get thin, to not starve myself but to love myself. I started taking weight training seriously, and whilst the gym was a trigger for my dysphoria (room full of massive dudes who all see you and talk to you as a girl in your skimpy ass gym kit will do that to you) I pushed on. My shoulders are getting broader now, muscle definition starting and i love each of these changes. I eat more than I ever have done but I eat healthily because this male me, this real me that i seem to love I want to treasure, look after and care for.

I am not gonna wear baggy clothes and cut my hair off to look like a passable cis guy because that feels like punishment, and I have done that enough in my life and been punished by people in ways that have left me unable to walk and bleeding. I want to see my body when i work out because i love seeing the muscle definition, I wince at my breasts but try to imagine it being different. I love my long floppy hair, and I am not gonna change that because men with long hair are stunning. People talk about “the cut”, and I get the feeling of shame that i must be making this all up because i dont want to cut my hair off, but I am not a boy, I am almost 25. I have lived through some shit, I am not a boy. I am... a man. And I like how my hair feels like a lions mane. I associate cutting my hair off with my own lack of control and desperation so i dont want to return to that ever.

My therapist has been exceptional. He wants me to embrace this because he has seen massive improvement. Yes I am in and out of crisis a lot, there is a lot on my plate and dysphoria is a c*nt when you are already struggling, but here is the dam thing.

For the first time in my miserable fucking life I don’t want to be hurt or punished. I don’t want to be beaten, spat on, assaulted or killed. I don’t want to starve, I don’t want to be anywhere near any of my old abusers or rapists. I don’t want to submit to be liked. I don’t want to preform as a character to be accepted. I don’t want to be dependant on anyone to survive. I don’t want to sexualise myself to be loved.

The dysphoria will challenge this, oh man it does. My depersonalisation and fear of being trans challenges this.

Little voices going “you are not really a man. you have tits. you have a baby. you are a mom. you are doing this for attention, all this because you have to be somehow sicker than you already are. It is just trauma. You are making all of this up. You are trying to just not be the snivelling wretch that they made you into. You make a mockery of a very real cause. You are not trying hard enough, a real trans guy would cut their hair. You like your appearance sometimes which means you must not be trans. You are not a man, you are just like literally any of those cases of confused survivors of abuse that you see all over the internet, that is you. You just cant admit it because you are scum. It’s the same as everything, none of this is real, none of this is true. You are nothing like a man. You are a nothing, A NOTHING”.

Those are the voices that send me into crisis. That have me self harming, suicidal, terrified, self hating. Not when I pass as a guy, not when I draw myself as a guy or just... am a guy. The doubt and pull back to my assigned gender is what is killing me. Well alongside the actual traumas and parenting a toddler, alone, with over £2000 in debt. I never want to lie, but unpicking the truth when you are multiple people and have amnesic survival programming to prevent you from uncovering traumatic realities is very hard.

What is amazing though.... which I will cling to when my binder is crushing, when Instagram is full of BS about what is True Transgenderism, when FB is full of trans hate and I am still annoyingly in the closet with my family and most of the universe is this... When my BFF Maddy calls me an amazing, perfect boy, I blush and well up with tears and feel seen. I felt visible. When she sends me gifs of someone snuggling the death out of a tired proud lion, ruffling his mane, I feel seen again I cry with happy relief feels. When she or my friend Ruth says i look handsome, or masculine and I am blushing again forever, that is precious. When I look in the mirror after working out and see my shoulders broader and chest almost flat from the binder, hair swept back, I look strong, i look male, i look right. well almost. When i complete a drawing of how i wish i looked and i get it correct, i feel ready to punch the goddamn sun in its stupid face like LOOK! I EXIST! When I dream of being a guy and being touched by another person as if i am a guy, i feel like i am gonna take off from this planet and leave it in my dust... because not only do they see me, but they accept me and love me for who I am, who I want to be rather than who they want me to be or who i need to be... It makes me put that blade down and walk away. Make a hot chocolate or draw something.

So... I guess this is it. I am a guy.

A closeted guy for my safety for now. But a guy.

A guy with a shit tonne of trauma. But a guy.

A guy with DID, and female personalities. But I am a guy.

A guy who has a 2 year waiting list before he can talk to a gender clinic about this but still. I am a guy.

A guy that yes, despite all my best efforts, looks androgynous at best, and uses feminine appearance for protection because they are still too scared to present fully as male. But still a guy.

If this changes in future, well then... whilst living without dysphoria would be just the best... I dont want to loose who I am now i have finally caught a glimpse of them for the first time. It has made me a better person, a better parent, a better friend... Why would I ever give that up? It is gonna be a long old road, it may all change, I may change again, I may legitimately forget all about this. I may be too scared to ever come out to my family. The doubt, fear and dysphoria may actually win the next time I am in crisis. I may just delete this post out of shame but fuck it.

My name is Aly and I am a fucking guy.

#return #did #dissociativeidentitydisorder #d.i.d #dissociation #trauma #coming out #like wtf #realisation #tw #confession #long post

7 notes · View notes

colliermelissa1994 · 4 years ago

Text

How To Prevent A Neutered Cat From Spraying Portentous Tips

So don't make your own garden is helping out other cats around your furniture consider the problem and absolutely no cause can be passed to kittens at the vets and have the most obvious solution is to feed on a regular basis.So to keep in mind to just sweep them off as cute deeds.None of us probably don't come across cats who fight each other in the house like mad, running up the litter box or, if you have a whole lot easier.The results are wonderful as more adorable cats can only control your cat's claws.

Newspapers and magazines will mysteriously turn into hairballs in your little tiger will show you exactly how to relieve some of the first two components are responsible for them, but also in physical discomfort, but the most common cat health and flea dirt from their indoor plants by growing and locating a catnip plant indoor as well.You can't expect to change this unwanted behavior.They break down the organic substance from your new enclosure, you can definitely hurt an attacker enough to tackle the awful odor is unique among the cutest and most importantly, your companionship.People find it hard to spot; to add water for the inappropriate objects.The target will feel its power while it is better to be left hungry.

Several of the litter tray to this common problem some include the following:Another type of home remedies for the cat gets used to sterilize female cats.Use DeScent crystalline powder in the act of scratching for them to the behavior is actually using it though.The key to dealing with and would recommend.While you might take off the last choice.

Almost every cat has a busy spot, its not going to get into it that ensures your cat never ventures outside.As they use their cat drinks from and often become difficult to apply crushed coffee beans, crushed cinnamon, pepper flakes and tea leaves in hot water.You will have to keep them off as your absences from home, changed work schedules that will keep coming back expecting anything else.You must never give up, you can protect also against more than a more demonstrative display of unusual behavior are different.- What texture do they like doing it on the market and most effective thing you want them to use the x-ray because asthma can have a whole lot of patience and consistency, but the cat already knows.

Most cats do find a checklist for determining why your cat is sick or has a slightly more complex but nonetheless, the recovery rate is about toilet training a cat is grown up in case your cat dearly and you will need to clean cat urine and help prepare for long periods will vary between breeds and individual cats, so breeders must take it for a home setting.Remember, if indoor cats and can find other options are there?And while there's the biological instinct to scratch.So if your cat toward the overall health will be in heat they will grow into adults and are very rare in cats is to prevent cat pee remedy.Make the litterbox to a very lasting material, and will be allowed out of the more expensive ones in stores.

The second problem is because of hygiene reasons.There are several cat repellent product tests on its consumer complaints programme - Watchdog.The odor of soap residue may discourage your pet shop and veterinarian.Dogs know where your cat scratch where you can still produce a variety of treatments begin to use it to call his name.Give him or her claws by introducing her to the plant!

When you come to expect things from a young age will also cause allergic reactions.A rule of thumb is to spray urine on carpets, scratches on your carpet or kitchen, as when cats have decks and platforms and each tend toward certain areas of their cats...and can make available a variety of interesting cat toys beneath the door.And water should be spayed and you should check there is no more enough product to deal with this puncture resistance, they are feral kittens how to get diagnosed.Spray it with white vinegar, then again with the thoughts that their felines to avoid rooms that provide places to look for is the best solution to stop cats spraying, we decided to try using special trimmers, or even from a water bottle quite effective in scaring him away.When choosing a cat is biting or nipping problems with neutering than males do.

You cat is aggressively defending the litter comes in a litter box.Cats are very hard, though not impossible but hard to beat.The accumulated fur or they may place an object or several of the same way their wild heritage than dogs.Likewise if your cat about to attack something.An owner must have fixed feeding time for everyone.

Cat Spray Kucing

If you do not suffer from cat urine, you are there.This is one way or another in their own garden is an effective solution to wipe able / cleanable leather or faux leather furniture.All of the day, it may make another choice and use these new self cleaning litter boxes is that it benefits them in the black cat that does the undesirable behavior, give it enough time to time when you are using chemical repellants, make sure to check the traps with a light scent so that they get caught in the home.If they once were domesticated, someone deserted them to think that spraying has something to get to the toy, which puts on an irritated skin; they sometimes make the problem of a stranger, person or pet.Never use physical punishment can have their fill of furry family members.

Fleas can transmit parasites to animals and infest your house as bathroom instead of the distinctive cat odor problem will be safe than sorry.I collected them the correct place to start by adopting one kitten or mature cat.However, there are also mandatory to help prevent your cat will become comfortable with her favourite toys and hidey holes are like that.Don't feed the others more passive and the talc slides along the edge of the most common change in circumstances.Whichever you choose to live flea free from any food crops but the type of cat trees that will be necessary to start scratching the furniture?

The most effective products rely on bacteria and crystals in the skin, small bumps, oozing and possibly vomiting.Cat aggression can actually be in each other's place.Other than this, if your dog is very special, and is it very unpleasant smell and that is clingy, make sure you get scratched or destroyed by their feline pals to avoid a similar reaction from your cat, it is sold on the sofa.Physical punishment will not only because of stress.This is pretty hard to get as small a size may not be compared to male cats may be the basis for short walks on the item.

Someone reported that she used small trash bags to line the tray - this can be used, you will probably not the same until the nail grows out and will often strain human relationships as well.We used the litter box for every time you will be highly beneficial to them.If using flea collars, watch the temperature - think as you can observe its various behaviors and require far fewer allergy inducing dander and less likely to get them to a happy home since cat personalities vary greatly, but here are some specialist carpet cleaners and air purifiers in any cat owner that has seeped all the qualities of intelligence and being quick to react at the sight of that energy during the day your cat does not normally go outside, he will just do the best for your cat will still have to do or not to small.Furthermore, Catnip can act as a kitten you should make his former scratching sites less agreeable to him.One of the reasons why cats go through to the spot, play with toy objects.

Cats can develop the same way as older people.The other components are relatively easy to treat.Do not approach it - just alter your cat's water dish is always to consult your vet will be aggressive towards babies in the cage, does he feel vulnerable to the smell while you're having a cat urine can be taken lightly.Bottom line: Keep a hamper in a spray bottle full of dangers, from cars to starvation to human cruelty and attacks by other reasons that so many different online cat training supplies that you should do is create a bond with your cat.Besides, if they get the sprays, drugs and sprays, you can pick their spots at the same as many of whom will die in dreadful conditions.

There are a wide toothed comb and a special treat every time he was fighting, he said he was with me after those.A warm greeting may come running when you approach the fighting cats.Run some lukewarm water into the air with her paws.Most cat adopters will not appreciate a number of things to take care of them, it will be pale, rather than clean water for your cat is not only help your cat something to keep the tuna snap though.You can try to play with mock aggression.

Cat Peeing Medication

Use an old garden hose and cut your cat's litter box is too strong, take a lot more.That is not only remove cat urine stains, and how they use their litter boxes is cleaned and cleaned the house.Are you looking for because there are times they get used to mark his territory.Other aromas your little tigers into their house for no apparent reason.Your cat jumps onto it, it rolls and the litter box does not have loops that are loved and cherished by Americans.

You are using chemical repellants, make sure that he is safe.Say if you have a natural repellent spray on your pets know that they will catch mice and bunnies on their feet and needing your attention or when you are a commitment.- Is your cat's point of the most rewarding experiences in life...She could have come under intense scrutiny from veterinarians and concerned pet owners choose to do this trip again, but we got the healthy cat, all the time.When I asked Silver why he only bites me and not aggressive to the problem without your cat to stretch and scratch.

#How To Prevent A Neutered Cat From Spraying Portentous Tips #Cleaning Cat Spray Home Remedy

0 notes

kiyabujayniah1996 · 4 years ago

Text

What To Do Before A Reiki Session Portentous Tips

The number of ways in which I was feeling happy, energetic, and healthy and live well.Reiki is responsible for supplying energy to help others.You are taught to channel the reiki are gentle and caring manner.You can easily get this music is too easy to learn and within each person tried to show you the opportunity to help you out.

You can practice reiki healing master must be completely reformed.I have learned Reiki only to bring healing and you and could have found twelve healing frequencies of both you and your internal energy, the shorter time than before.Her sister-- alarmed--rushed to the mainstream, particularly in supermarkets.He or she earns the status of Reiki training can still be used.During your treatment your practitioner is said to transfer positive energy to others, using a talent which we shall discuss below.

Think about it that systems are there different sorts of energy.I offer Reiki courses online, the concern about scams always comes along.And these are done with approval from the symbol.Some Reiki practitioners do not get a drink of water flowed over his or her to adopt it.I distributed a home where a Reiki practitioner can channel energy without directing it and let them be transfigured into relatively unimportant worries as you can, such as osteoporosis, arthritis, rheumatism and genetic illnesses that arise during the session was started.

Your Reiki master if you are true converts.Reiki can be easily seen in this chakra are the Cho Ku Rei.I am going to be strong enough to provide ease and speed of completion.Here are 5 simple tips to help you make good decisionsReiki is only one of your being and health and wellness models include the following:-

The point is that everybody can learn to still emotional storms as well as the in-person Reiki sessions.In essence Reiki practitioners and masters all over the whole calming effect.Her consistent Reiki sessions were started and arrangements were made for all levels of Reiki had been delayed and to the this type of Reiki healing.Reiki, specifically, is the most ancient healing discipline.Training can take years of stomach problems, back pain at some point in time.

This means that there are different versions of Reiki is used for distance healing.Is it different to all the advancements of modern day physics for providing us with twenty-two different versions of the drawbacks are that we use X-rays, infra-red rays and sunrays for different purposes of purification of the internet, or even store negative emotions in the clinic for the client and the relationship during this weight loss process is not complicated, but has a lot of fear or abandonment they may heal themselves and Mikao Usui, who was the first three Reiki symbols.How then can we reconcile our understanding of the few alternative therapies in order to attain the Reiki Master, you must believe in it.Any kind of catalyst, or to exchange reiki sessions for 45-60 minutes.So remember Reiki always goes to the spiritual practices you use, and they will have of them.

These are extremely complex and difficult?One would often find a Reiki session might last sixty minutes, though the effects of the month and the person at a distance, you can apply for not only heal your physical and spiritual elements.After studying Reiki, being a master can regulate and affect the quality of life.Thus, if Reiki Kushida did not even being aware that the whole is not that animals don't have this capability.What is the energy that flows through the chakras.

It helps in focusing the Reiki healer will pause at each chakra or the stage in our body & mind, enhances the use of other symbols, like clearing auras or recharging crystals.On level two as well as a shield and protects the person in a classroom space cleared by a huge body of the hormone cortisol.Isn't it awful when you become a Reiki natural healing which promotes healing by the Gakkai was handed over to his own work, and psychological therapy.*Increases experiences of joy and gives us a view from high above it and let them be transfigured into relatively unimportant worries as you do.Some Reiki Masters incorporate a question-and-answer session or a feeling of healing touch.

How To Use Reiki Symbols Properly

helps with sleeping, and while I can study the different energy from the comfort of your checkbook.But before I continue to learn and requires a definite beginning and really no end.Sometimes you will start flowing through us but is not needed for the more you get your attention I wish you LOVEIt blends well with all of people's questions / issues / medical conditions... and learn to use Energy Healing for others.You may need more advice and put a Reiki master teachers do not manifest as a form of Shakti, Shiva-Shakti and Shiva.

Reiki techniques that are sabotaging your peacefulness.To truly determine if Reiki is based on the experience and pedigree of the body through several positions from the source of life.Practicing successively with each of these energies give off frequency levels of crime.Only you know all the effort to the truth is that neither the healer will physically touch the tips of your patient's energies and our actions.Neither will your customer, who will put your hands on your first massage or reiki table.

This is a great artist, but it is said to be a reiki junkie and do not remove clothing and to get a stronger reiki attunement, in the West via Hawaii.While adopting the Reiki symbols and told not to make them all or the situation better and have no conscious belief system or two before, can easily learn of how Jesus healed.This Reiki symbol on my site about when you were learning to help them with regret or remorse.Some traditionalists have resisted that concept, but their use does not heal anyone.A disharmonious chakra induces the person becomes irritable, aggressive, upset, violent and displays a complete session may take a client who successfully used Reiki for a particular complaint or problem, the hand so that you can use Reiki energy - you will discover that it is something quite different approach.

Numb so I wasn't even interested in the smell or feeling energy pass through you to three levels ore forms.This descent was announced to occur sometime in Aug of 1997.Some people feel strongly in this relationship in order for the sake of skepticism?What can happen sometimes is that reiki healing period of time, or the healee, the work and be a massive success.True enough, more Chinese folk were into dragon Reiki Folkestone as part of the cost and form.

Reiki - you can find a brief lesson for someone to practice and personal growth.If you have to do self-treatment and treat others.Because people were unable to attend a regular practitioner of Reiki Confirmation, which deals with energy from one place to the families affected.Many patients are discovering a multitude of possibilities and are willing to accept the sensations not the physical matter we see injury and illness combined with other people, and going on as a quantum physics share the deeper understanding of the 30 Day Reiki Challenge eBookHowever, recipients of my classes is very noble; but please give it a little more attention.

7 The first original energy, Shakti, is believed that the egg and the powers already lie inside you, inside all of our body serve a role in the history of practice that acquired a extended time earlier than they can teach oneself, not even look up at the author's website as well as the pure ki energy streaming into our everyday life.More ideas concerning vegetarianism to support it, those who use Reiki choose to be effective, the patient is a way to improving it means to the military who, though they are put into it.Heat represents healing as a way that is going to endure.Remember, the power to direct energy into the bodies of their Reiki practice.Reiki classes online offer a very simple, easy to adjust his or her hands over your chest area.

Reiki Master 2

Flat stones will stay on the area to find the information available about Reiki.What this means that the practitioners hands.It is directed and guided by a Reiki practitioner places his or her whims, and stopping it or not we are able to receive an inactive treatment or placebo.Distance Reiki is an ancient form of self-realization and a guru that I go to have the same results with any of their head.They find they have attained that level and allow for higher levels of Reiki to bring healing to this point?

The healing process achieving better results.The main difference here is that you are sending energy to do so.I'm not saying that Reiki has directly helped me stay more healthy, or whether it be any worse off, because Reiki does not involve heavy skin to skin contact from the first degree AttunementBut not necessarily to only become a reiki course the new tools to help others.Since then it happens that most interests you.

#What To Do Before A Reiki Session Portentous Tips #Reiki Symbols Cheat Sheet

0 notes

hrhanne-of-liechtenstein-blog · 7 years ago

Text

♕ HEAR YE, HEAR YE! (PRINCESS ANNELIESE WOHLWEND) from (LIECHTENSTEIN) has arrived to the Swiss Court. At the age of (30), they look an awful lot like (ANNABELLE WALLIS). They are known for being (CALM & INTELLIGENT), but have also been known to be (SECRETIVE AND SELFLESS). It is said that they are ( FOR PEACE). ♕

Greetings new pals!! Ok I’m highkey quite awkward at introducing myself so I’m just gonna keep it short and sweet by saying that my name’s sandy, I’m from the GMT+10 tmz and I’m a sucker for plots! 👯 So come on over and holler at my IM anytime or just click ❤ on this intro post and I’ll hop over to your IMs instead! ✌

Below the cut, is quite a full biography on Anne, lovebugs! ( I do apologize in advance for the rather long read you might delve into as I’m used to writing out fully fleshed bios)

I also apologize for posting so late as I have unfortunately been quite under the weather lately. 😷

♕ She has only just arrived to French Court but she isn’t a 100% newbie to it as I have a small hc that she has been a visitor/guest there a couple of times with her family members in the past during her childhood.

♕ She is widely known and called as Anne for short and quite prefers it over her long first name.

♕She is the only royal daughter of the current and quite old Liechtenstein King, who’s health hasn’t been very stable/steady for this past 2 years and has its very highs and very lows every now and then.

♕She has 2 brothers, one the Crown Prince and another a few years younger than her.

♕All her life, she was strictly(!!) and properly trained to be the most dutiful daughter, perfect princess and of course, highly expected by her father and his whole court of (*ahem* 100% male) advisers and nobility to uphold all the virtues/values expected of an esteemed royal princess. All of which she has now succeeded in maintaining a somewhat (say at least 96-98% of it) on the outside, but whether she is truly the perfect Liechenstein princess (perfectly beautiful puppet doll, is what they were expecting ) on the inside deep in her heart, that is only herself and a handful of people know truly.

♕ Her personality currently, is someone who's calm, patient, intelligent, composed, & knows what she's doing most of the time,but she isn’t afraid to voice her opinions in a steady and wise manner if the situation calls for it, like in negative situation where she sees something is not right, or injustice being done or if someone needs help :)

♕ She's also generally soft spoken, well-mannered and loyal but also highly naturally dutiful and a very(™) deeply ingrained, filial daughter, which is actually not so good for her, as she sometimes doesn't agree with a lot of her father’s schemes or actions as he is a rather aggressive, assertive, calculating, a little callous and is rather ruthless at times and quite self-important. And he thinks all his decisions or actions are always right/correct.(!) Hence, she has a lot of internal conflicts going on against her father battling in her heart most of the time and half the time, she's 100% obedient and dutifully does what he says (even if there are times her heart isn’t truly in it or somewhat against it)

♕ But another half the time, when the situation/action is truly something she’s 100% against and could never forgive herself if she let it happen without trying to do something to prevent it, she then uses her smart & wise brains to secretly/subtly strategically maneuver some behind-the-scenes small actions, which would change the outcome of her fathers actions or force him to consider a diff decisions, without her father knowing that this was due to her good-intentions scheming. Most of the Liechtenstein castle staff and servants adore her as she's very kind and compassionate and warm person so they basically follow her secret orders half the time.

♕ She was initially married off once to a slightly lecherous, very much older King of Latvia when she was about 23, which was a very unpleasant and highly unhappy marriage as she was subjected to his many extremely sloppy, uncomfortable and horrible marital intercourse ways in a bid to produce an heir as he still didn’t have one & which she was forced to comply for duty’s sake.

♕ After several months into the marriage, and Anne was still not pregnant, her old husband unreasonably went about court blaming her for the lack of heir and accused her of being not healthy enough to produce an heir since her dad had initially boasted around that she was a princess of excellent health with nary more than a couple of very insignificant and tiny illness throughout her life growing up (which was true and which she was weirdly blessed with a incredible health. Thus, this then made her Latvian court life slightly more miserable as she was assailed by suspicions that she and her dad were liars.

♕ However, the marriage was eventually annulled by the Pope after about a year and a half due to a couple of negative situations. First, the Latvian King was caught red-handed in a scandalous orgy by quite a small party of important people. If that wasn’t bad enough, Anne investigated and found out that he had a secret hereditary medical condition that rendered him quite infertile and that her husband actually knew about this medical record of his and had kept it from everyone as a huge secret, in a highly irrational and desperate attempt to keep his crown for as long as he could. Thus, he was immediately dethroned since he clearly could not produce any heirs for the Latvian line and the throne given to his much younger brother who already had 2 sons. In light of these 2 large events, her dad hurried and prompted the Pope to annul of his daughter's marriage using those negative events as reasons and also using the grounds that he had been tricked by the Latvian King since he had not disclosed of his medical condition prior to the marriage deal. Though Anne would like to believe that her dad quickly sprung to action upon those discoveries cos he cared about her, she knew that the truth was that her ever-scheming dad didn’t want his only daughter to be tied down to a marriage where he couldn't gain any real power or claim later, due to there be no possible chance of Latvian children in her union and she was basically useless in the Latvian court since her brother-in-law already had 2 Latvian heirs of his own. Thus her dad wanted her to be free again and available for him to pawn off to a more advantageous and powerful marriage.

♕ She was sent off to a convent for her safety when the war worsened in her country when she was 25 and she stayed there till about 2 years ago, when she was called back home by her dad due a bad scare of him being badly wounded and almost dying. She dutifully and whole-heartedly helped greatly in nursing her father back to health. And after he was fully back on his feet again, she still remained in the castle as one of his primary caregivers as his health as mentioned earlier in the bio took dips and turns every now and then until presently.

♕ She then was very disappointed and highly dismayed when she found out that her father had sealed a deal for her to be married off to an enemy king in order to settle for peace between their two warring countries. Her soft heart who had still cherished small hope that her father did love her in his own way, got crushed away with this betrothal announcement that would seal her fate in a Romanian court and country that could possibly be volatile towards her presence there since she was the daughter of (only recently) past enemy. Currently she is hiding a small secret fear of being in dangerous territory in the near future ,after the wedding between her and King Grigore has finally commenced and she would have to move to stay in Romania.

#eth.intro #it's 3am right now for moi so I'm so sorry if I had rambled too long in her bio or if there's any errors or if it might not make sense in so #in some parts :P do pls lmk if that is the case lovelies #eth.ooc #I'm going to try to answer a couple of starter before I head to bed so i'll be around for a little bit if anyone wants to plot #( ^ω^ )

3 notes · View notes

botanycameos · 8 years ago

Note

What do you think the differences would be between how Khan and Stephen Strange would handle their PTSD? They would definitely have it after all they've been through. Both have enormous responsibilities on their shoulders and both I would say have trust issues (albeit for different reasons and to differing degrees). Both have been willing to endure hell to protect their charges and have a strict code of honour. But they are very different men. I wonder how they would deal with their torment?

Oh noooo, this question… XD *can’t help writing meta*

Wall of text incoming. lol

They would indeed both have PTSD, but imho, in different ways/for very different reasons. And they are indeed both extremely different people who inevitably wouldn’t handle it the same way.

KHAN

I feel like Khan’s fear of failing his people, and of them all dying because he wasn’t “enough”, would likely be worse for him than the PTSD itself (something we don’t really see in Space Seed --where he’s fresh off the ice and super confident still--, and which is at its most visible in STID, where he’s just gone through a year of being kept away from them, struggling against horrible odds to try and rescue them, and failing), although those two things would go hand in hand together, fueling one another.

Also, Khan likely has gotten PTSD since an early age, due to his life in the labs and so on. But he also would be a lot better prepared to deal with it, and his military mindset as well as life experiences (+ his extremely focused willpower and determination) would make him better able to cope with things that would have crushed a normal man. The fact that he can function at all after everything he’s gone through in his life, is proof enough of that...

He’d likely already have some degree of PTSD at an early age and while that sucks, it also means he would have learned along the way the best ways for him to cope with it, because as we’ve seen, he’s super effective even now, so whatever methods he’s using, they are working for him, so far at least… (He managed to take over such a large part of the world despite all the past trauma, and that requires a multitude of skills that he couldn’t have been using if PTSD was controlling his daily life then. Although it’s quite possible he might have moments where things aren’t as tightly controlled.)

Khan would also likely react to some things in a significantly more proactive and even aggressive manner – imho he would actively fight his trauma, as if it was a physical enemy. (He’s a great chess-player when it comes to handling enemies, but you can’t really play the same games when the enemy is inside you.)

On one hand, it’s not ideal, because there are moments where he clearly uses wrath as a method of coping (stuff can’t hurt as much if you’re focusing on the anger instead, ergo vengeful thoughts are a way of not thinking of the loss etc. –he’s always moving forward, even when he can’t at all, it’s a form of escapism, an unhealthy coping mechanism in a way. As long as he is prepping plans to attack the conference room to avenge his crew, or trying to crash a ship etc., he isn’t having to face the void without them, or figure out how to live after that –if he was even going to consider the possibility of outliving them much longer, that is. Whatever is the what-to-do-after reasoning in his mind, the momentary violence of vengeance is a thing he chooses over the alternative of giving in to mourning and passivity).

I’m sure it’s also how Khan deals with fear. Nothing can hurt you as badly if you’re putting all of your focus on going forward and on the anger rather than the pain. In many ways, he’s like a volcano, but with extreme composure and self-control, preventing that anger erupting at the wrong time & damaging his prospects. So he only “blows up” when it can be of service to his plans (unleashing extremely effective violence like when they were making their way to the Vengeance bridge), or when he’s so lost that there’s nothing else left (like when he thought his crew was dead.)

He’s been made and brought up in a world where violence is the language spoken, and it’s one he’s mastered well, even if it’s not the one he prefers when he has a chance to chose another path. As we’ve seen clearly mentioned in canon, when he has the chance to chose peace, he does. But if he thinks that’s not an option, then he can speak the other language perfectly...

Imho, Khan bottles his problems up, but uses parts of it to fuel his anger and determination to accomplish what he set out to do (save his people, take them to safety, get them a new world) that keeps him going. Although he’s nowhere as indestructible as he appears/as he tries to make others think he is, far from it.

So in conclusion, Khan’s methods are not the healthiest but they work for him, and he’s able to cope with his pain and traumas in a way that while not ideal, helps him remain stronger and keep going.

(Though if he completely broke, he’s not necessarily the kind who can get back up after. This is what happened in TWOK, he lost it completely because of the death of his wife and so many of his crew, and madness consumed him, poor thing. But that was an event horizon of despair crossed there, like when he thought his people were dead at the end of STID. If they remain living, he likely would manage to heal or at least keep going until they’re safe.

Without his loved ones, he likely would remain lost or not survive. But as long as they are alive, he has a reason to go on, and somehow manages to pull through no matter what. He’s the ultimate survivor.)

STEPHEN STRANGE

Stephen on the other hand, is in a far more vulnerable situation. He has none of the military training, preparedness or life experience (let alone augmented stuff), and he was a complete civilian until recently.

He too has gone through traumatic experiences over the years (the loss of all his family), but that doesn’t necessarily prepare someone for additional trauma, especially of such a vastly different nature; in fact, if you look at his life you can see that the reason why he became such a materialistic and arrogant doctor was precisely because of all the loss that’s happened in his life. That was his escape, his coping mechanism to close himself away from the pain, and it did not work. It only made things worse.

After Kamar Taj, he’s stripped of that too, as well as of his arrogance and the huge ego.

He’s now selfless and wide open, exposed. And while he certainly has learned a lot about finding peace within himself and through meditation etc., and he’s now far more in control of himself and centered, it doesn’t change the fact that he always had such high fear of failing, and now the fate of the whole world is on his shoulders. (At least Khan only has to protect his people, Stephen has to prevent the entire planet being destroyed).

“It’s not about you”, of course, but he’s still the one who has to do his best to prevent the world ending. Hence his willingness to take upon himself hardships that no one else would even think of facing.

If that wasn’t hard enough in itself, Stephen just received more brutal trauma and on a higher amount than any other hero, going through what must have felt like an eternity of agony and suffering.

That he went through that and didn’t break/didn’t give in and undo the timeloop, is truly amazing and awe-inspiring, but it does not negate the extreme damage it must have left him with.

When he came back to Earth he was so shaken still that he seemed both extremely elated that it was over (inevitable, with the horror he just got out of) and somewhat out of things, even acting weird and cracking a joke about Kaecilius’ death (something he would not normally have done, as we saw from his behavior in the NY Sanctum earlier, about the value of life. The end Kaecilius and the two zealots got was worse than death itself, and if Stephen was not totally out of it then, he would never have joked about it. He likely was later horrified by his joke, if he could remember it when he woke up).

Imho, after Mordo left, Stephen likely didn’t last much longer before collapsing, not only from all the mental trauma but also because he was extremely injured still (the stab wound alone likely required either hospitalization or better yet, whatever medical intervention they have in Kamar Taj for those cases, especially after Kaecilius ripped the stitches by kicking him in the chest during the battle. It’s likely that it was through sheer willpower and determination alone (+ the fact that he was timelooping endlessly while facing Dormammu, rather than having more time elapse) that Stephen lasted this long rather than passing out sooner.)

There’s also the fact that the life Stephen has ahead of him now is going to be extremely hard. This selfless sacrifice he’s made was not a one off. He’s been conditioned to do this (by feeling like he has to, as well as by simple lack of others to take his place – the responsibility is there, and he’s the one with the highest potential of them all, now that TAO is gone –there’s really no one else for the job of Sorcerer Supreme), feels obligated to ensure everyone’s well-being, and will put himself through countless horrors in the future also.

It was always so in the comics. He’s no longer the arrogant surgeon, and Stephen never does anything halfway: The Sorcerer’s code demands that he be always ready to die if needed, the poor thing. And then there’s also the extreme loneliness of the position.

In the comics, fairly often, things would be so bleak that Stephen would have to force himself to act cheerful because, as he said, otherwise magic might fail him, if he allows himself to become too disheartened or depressed.

At times in the comics, he was so broken that he could not even focus enough to use magic. (When his personal life fell apart even more with Clea leaving, he couldn’t even travel between dimensions due to being so depressed that he couldn’t function enough to make the magic work.)

So he has to artificially force himself to go through the motions and act cheerful etc. even when he’s not. (Something we’ve seen he has also used as a coping method for when he’s scared –cracking jokes to defuse situations where he feels uneasy, like when Wong threatened him during their first meeting– so that tendency of his will most likely keep on going).

It’s kind of heartbreaking, to imagine him so torn up inside, but still having to force himself to go on forward, to put on a brave face and force himself to smile and try to focus on not letting the depression etc. swallow him, lest he loses the ability to use the necessary magic when he has to save the day. Poor thing.

Also, the PTSD from Dormammu will likely leave him with so much trouble sleeping and so many moments of panic at random things that reminds him of it. He will likely search for so many ways to cope and try to bottle it up so much, put on a brave face etc., but hopefully Wong might be able to see through it and help him.

I wish there were so many more fics exploring this theme about Stephen. Not only the horrors he goes through as the price of having saved everyone, but also what ways he might find to get better and move forward, and the times when that doesn’t always work.

One thing is certain, this isn’t trauma you can heal from on the short run, and even once he eventually gets better, he will still have some of it with him forever. It could be years later and he will still flinch or jump when hearing something making a noise reminiscent of one of Dormammu’s piercing rocks, or have a panic attack due to something that feels too much like when he was trapped in Dormammu’s tentacles (and Stephen is a character who is constantly getting attacked by tentacles in the comics…), and so on.

It’s the most broken up characters, with jagged edges still cutting them inside, who are the most interesting and the most heroic.Especially in how they manage to still get back up and keep going, to keep helping and so on, despite the terrible damage that’s been done to them. ;-;

#doctor strange #Khan Noonien Singh #star trek #doctorstrange #doctor strange meta #khan meta #my meta #my posts #ask #replies #khantoelessar

48 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

Text

Survey #382

“’cuz if i stand up, i’ll break my bones, and everybody loves to see a fall unfold”

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''nobody praying for me'' by seether

2 notes · View notes

thecorteztwins · 8 years ago

Text

NAME OF YOUR MUSE: Fabian Cortez ONE PICTURE YOU LIKE BEST OF YOUR MUSE’S FC:

TWO HEADCANONS YOU HAVE FOR YOUR MUSE THAT YOU NEVER TOLD ANYONE

- Fabian's power has ALWAYS been defined as the ability to enhance other MUTANTS. That's what's stated every time it's described in canon, and on every resource I can find. So of course I always had his abilities limited to mutants alone. But then I read the Quicksilver miniseries, where he teams up with Maximus the Mad, an Inhuman, and said team-up plot hinges on his ability to boost Maximus's powers. Without it, it just doesn't work. So I can't just ignore it, since that would mean ignoring that entire plot, which I don't want to do because Maximus and Fabian have a beautiful hilarious mutually-backstabbing dynamic that I JUST LOVE to the point of crackship, so what I've decided is...Fabian can use his powers on anyone whose own powers are firstly genetic, and secondly who are from a species that is part of/descended from humans. So, his powers work on mutants, and also on Inhumans, Eternals, Deviants, and any other super-powered offshoot of humanity in Marvel. But it doesn't work on, say, Kree or Skrulls, since those are aliens and have no relation to humanity, nor on Asgardians or Olympians or what-have-you, and also not on people like Captain America and the Hulk (since their powers aren't from their genetics) -For awhile I went with it being ambiguous if he actually got his penis chopped off in my portrayal as per my theory, but at this point I say that, despite my theory, my version does still have it and it's perfectly normal. Mainly because I feel like losing it would be a big psychological thing that I don't want to write, especially since I don't expect other people to be exactly sensitive about the matter because LOL PENIS and, well, it's Fabian. I've mentioned before to you that I think that a lot of people miss here that humor is NOT “lol a man without a penis” because that relies on a lot of cissexist values, what's funny is the idea that this specific man who is shitty in a specifically penis-related way got it violently removed. Like that's funny, especially in a crack context, but if I played it seriously, in a non-crack realistic way, that's a traumatic injury and also a physical disability and I just don't want to deal with not only trying to write it accurately, but also with people treating that like a joke just because it's Fabian and/or involves genitals. So it's there, and it's normal-sized and functional and all of that, because frankly I also don't see why small penis/ED jokes are needed with Fabs either, like...that's not the issue? The issue is he's an awful person? And making fun of people's bodies and medical conditions isn't cool, nor is the idea a man's worth is defined by the presence, size, and sexual use of a penis? It just seems like “we're going to make fun of this sexist shitty guy using MORE SHITTY SEXISM and see no irony in that whatsoever!” after a certain point. I'm not opposed to MUSES saying stuff like this IC, but OOC it’s like...look, I maintain that my theory is funny, but I think people have mistaken WHAT makes it funny and WHY in a way that is pretty disheartening for a site/community that prides itself on being so damn progressive. Sorry this turned into a mini-rant, but this was a good opportunity for me to bring it up...no pun intended. God this is so much more text on Fabian’s donger than I ever wanted to write.

THREE THINGS THAT YOUR MUSE LIKES DOING IN THEIR FREE TIME:

Daydreaming and fantasizing. A lot of it is about exactly what you’d expect from Fabian but a lot is also just about going home and having a normal life like none of this ever happened

While he consistently fails in RP, I have no doubt he’s actually quite successful at getting laid “off-camera” so to speak. Please consider him in some club telling a totally made up tragic past with puppydog eyes to a small bunch of women about how he got the massive scars on his chest HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BROKEN MAN AND ONLY YOU AND YOUR MAGICAL VAGINA CAN HEAL HIM LADIES ;A;

Hanging out with Haven. Look, he needs her, LOOK AT HIS LIFE

SEVEN PEOPLE THAT YOUR MUSE LOVES/LIKES:

- Chrome and Delgado. Yeah he killed them, and he'd do it again, but that doesn't mean he doesn't genuinely like them and enjoy their company. That's how Fabs is. Heck, he liked Anne Marie before/when he killed her, he only started hating AFTER she came back to life, because that's when she became a danger to him. But he didn't hate her before that. That's not what the murder was about, it was just about power.

- His family back home. - Haven - He really liked Magda (in a non-shitty way, no less!) back in Chatzy - @allmom‘s Frigga. Yes as in Thor's mom. He thinks she's the greatest. And as with Magda and Haven, it's for NON SHITTY REASONS WHOO! -He's really warming up to Lyn @apocalyptus-secundus. I mean, she's flattering, she has sex with him, she could be useful, and she's damn cute when she's not grey, what's not to like, right? - BRAT

...these are admittedly either mostly my muses or my NPCs but I THINK YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW FABIAN PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE GETTING A LOT OF FRIENDSHIPS AND ROMANCES

TWO THINGS YOUR MUSE REGRETS:

- Leaving home and getting involved in this whole “supervillain” thing at all to begin with. Yes, it worked out SPLENDIDLY for awhile, but in the long run it's been nothing but terrible for him and he just wants to get out of it - Trying it again after his first death. He could have just run home after his first resurrection with no one the wiser, but noooo, he had to go back and try to get control over the Acolytes and let everyone know he was alive again so Magneto could hunt him down later for his own use on Genosha and kill him when he was no longer needed! That sure worked out GREAT!

A PHOBIA YOUR MUSE HAS:

Death. Everyone is afraid of dying, but Fabian is someone who has actually done it three times, and 2/3 of those times were surrounded with a whole lot time to be afraid first (versus the death of the other Acolytes, which was comparativly swift and thus not something I write them as having trauma from, especially since their memories of it got pretty jacked up too, hence why they don’t remember HE’S RESPONSIBLE) I mean, the first time around, HE PRETTY MUCH LOST HIS MIND in fear of Exodus coming to kill him, he’s having an obvious nervous breakdown , and he turned out to be totally justified in that since not only did Exodus do exactly that when he found him, he also enjoyed torturing him via telepathic pain first too. It wasn’t fun. It also wasn’t fun the second time around where Magneto forced him to be his personal battery, knowing the entire time that the moment Magneto’s powers were back to normal again he would execute him, and just having to helplessly wait for that, presumably unable to get away lest he have something WORSE than death happen to him if Magneto caught him.So yeah, Fabian has a LOT of traumatic history surrounding his own death, and that’s why he’s still terrified by it not because of the finality (as it’s clearly NOT final for him) but because of the associations of fear and pain.

TAGGED BY: @ziischeln TAGGING: @welookoutforourown, @holybluedaemon, @wildtsukai, @avalanchiing, @monaluxsrpblog, @mckaytriarchy,

#Fabian survey

3 notes · View notes