rashad95

[rashad95]

So I tried to do a fixed focus app on my Beats and it sorta turned out good and bad but eh... worth a try 🤷🏾‍♂️

[rashad95]

Not good enough

I just don’t understand sometimes. What more can I physically do? I feel like even when I work my ass off, it’s just not enough. When am I going to get my credit? I know I talk about always keeping your head up, but seriously sometimes it just makes me feel more and more like a failure. Like it’s so freaking angering. Maybe I’m just not working hard enough on the things that I should be. But I keep thinking that I am, and I work on everything I should! I just don’t understand. God why am I never good enough. This feel like two years ago when I was sitting in a practice room til 5 in the morning just crying my eyes out. I didn’t get it then, and I still don’t understand now.

[rashad95]

Lowest part of my life...

So, it’s been a really long time since I have written on this. And boy there’s been a lot of things that have happened to me recently. In the past year and a half I’ve experienced being in the lowest part of life I thought I would be in. School caught up with me and I pretty much almost flunked out one of my semesters. Some days or weeks I walked around with nothing more than a few coins in my pockets and less than a dollar in my bank account, not being able to pay for food, and even to the point where I would literally just have to go to bed without eating because I had no food in my fridge at all. I walked around with the heaviest weight on my shoulders and I just kept letting myself get lower and lower. I went to bed crying my eyes out until I could get to sleep because I just physically didn’t want to be alive. I didn’t want to tell my family any of my problems or turmoil because I just felt like all I was to them was a burden and a waste of their time. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I just hated myself and everything about myself. Even music, the one thing that kept me from wanting to end my life in middle school because I just thought I was an ugly monster and no one would ever want to be a friend or someone to talk to wasn’t helping. I thought about just giving up on it all. I mean what was the point? No one would miss me if I died. Everyone’s life would be the same, if not better if I was gone. I just felt nothing for myself anymore.

That all changed on November 15th. I was headed to see my girlfriend and a car pulled out in front of me and I couldn’t stop in time. I slammed into that car, spun out of control and my car flipped several times and landed in a ditch. I passed out for a good five minutes. I just knew that was it for me. I would have had the wish I had wanted. To no longer be a burden to anyone anymore. But God saw different and woke up right back up. Upside down, and pretty sure my car was on the verge of blowing up, some people stopped and tried to get me out of the car, with no avail, they had to wait for the paramedics and police to come and get me out. I was for sure I was just going to die and no one was going to miss me for it. I deserved it. I just made everyones life hell and now they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. When the paramedics got there, I was conscious and unable to move a lot of myself because I was in shock from the wreck. I just was in awe that I was still alive. Getting rushed to the hospital with a brace on my neck and an IV in my arm I just knew that I was not going to be the same. But again, God had a different plan for me. All my test came back negative for any breaks, or any serious damage. Just a lot of soreness and some bruising. Never in my life have I ever been through something this terrible, and I walked out of it without a single scratch on me. Something after that day told me I still had some purpose in this world.

Then in June, I lost my pride and joy, Peaches. She meant the world to me and there wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t have done for her. When I was sick, she stayed by my side the whole time and never moved a muscle. Any time I was in the worst of moods, she’d come and lay right by my side and just have me rub her stomach and just make me feel like the world was mine for the taking. Around the time I left for college, her health started to decline. She would get sick, couldn’t hold food down and was losing and gaining weight like crazy. She got to the point where it was a struggle for her to even come up the stairs and lay by my bed at night. I remember the last night I saw her, she was standing at the bottom of the stairs and she couldn’t walk up them and she was just crying and whining for me, so I came down the stairs and helped her get up them. She almost fell back down then and I just picked her up and carried her the rest of the way. I remember helping her come to my door and she just plopped down in so much pain. I stayed out there laying on the floor rubbing her stomach saying “it’s okay, Peach, you’re strong and you’re going to make it, you’re battle is almost over, honey” because I knew she was going to pass sometime soon. I had a wedding to attend, and had to leave for the weekend, but I knew that when I came home, she would be gone. She passed the night I left to go, and the last words I said to her was “I’ll be back soon”. I didn’t even get to tell her goodbye and it broke my heart into pieces. I cried myself to sleep for nights about it, and I still do. I miss her so much and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to see her again and tell her goodbye. But again, I know for a fact that there wasn’t a time in here life that she didn’t know that I loved her to death.

And about a week ago, I was in another wreck, and this one wasn’t as major as the last one, but I just stared in awe as they had to take the man away on a stretcher. Just watching everyone just rush to his aid and make sure he was okay. Some person just looked at me and said: “what the fuck is wrong with you, kid?!” I couldn’t say anything but just look at him. The man was a veteran in the Vietnam War, and I could have possibly just taken his life because I over corrected. Stupid stupid stupid me. I came home and I cried my eyes out to my mom. I’ve never been so mad and scared in my life about it. I still wonder to this day what would have happened he had died. I would have never been able to live with myself. I just think why does God continue to let me ruin people’s lives? That’s all I’m doing. And it still feels like that every single day. I just don’t know why I shouldn’t have just died a year ago. No problems would have ever happened again because of me.

But I remember that I have two parents who have literally given up their lives and have supported every single thing I’ve done. There’s never been a time that I wanted for something and couldn’t get it. I learned over this year that if ever I have a problem that they will do their damndest to make sure that I can have everything I need to keep myself going strong. I have a sister who at one point in life I thought she was the most annoying person in the world, and now she’s literally helped me get through so much in the past year, even while she’s dealing with her medical conditions that she has. And last but not least, my amazing girlfriend who at one point I thought I would never have a chance to tell her that she’s the sparkle in my eye that keeps me sane and always smiling. She’s my best friend, and I’m so thankful for her. There’s never been a time in our relationship of almost two years that I have ever doubted that she loves me unconditionally, and that just makes living knowing that we have an amazing and bright future with her. I can’t say that I’m not blessed, because I know that I am.

All in all, I’ve had a pretty shitty past two years. There’s been so many times that I honestly wanted to just end my life, and when the opportunity came for it to happen, God said NO, and I can never doubt in my mind that He have unconditional love for me. I’ve got a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive, a supportive and loving family, second family, friends and a fraternity of brothers who I know always see the best in me when I don’t see it in myself, and I know that I’m blessed beyond measure. And I honestly couldn’t be happier with my life now. Ups and downs come with the human experience, it’s just how we decide to continue moving foreward in every step we take.

[rashad95]

I have a new edition to my instrumental family! Welcome, Juniper!!

[rashad95]

I thought this was a pretty good photo taken with my Galaxy S8 pro mode camera 🤗

[rashad95]

Fear

There are so many things in this world that keep me from wanting to say everything that is on my mind. I know the main thing is fear, hands down. I'm constantly afraid, and it's my hardest thing to admit to myself. These days, I can look someone right in the face and lie to them. "Nick, are you okay?" "Yes, I'm fine". When let's be honest, I know that's a boldface lie. It's my constant fear of getting too attached to people and they run out of my life, whether they are friends, or even more than that.

And a huge issue is: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS IT. When something negative happens to you pretty much 100% of the time, you no longer are assuming that something is gonna happen, you just know it will. From the moment I could really start to connect with people, they've walked out on me, or I was stupid and pushed them away because I was afraid that they would leave, but in the general sense, they did. I know they say that when you get older, your friends move on, but there are those that always stay there. I'm starting to see the ones that are leaving, but not the ones that are suposed be here are leaving as well. This goes back to my earlier post with the walking the Earth alone.

My thinking process is probably the hardest algarithm that someone would have to figure out. I grew up being told that the people you put in your life need to be those who are gonna stick around for a while. The only issue that comes up is when I think that everyone is gonna be there for me forever and that's not gonna happen, so I just assume that no one is gonna be there, and that's by far the saddest mistake I've made, but people also make it ridiculously easy for me to be like that. Making promises they know they can't keep, and then when they walk out, they wonder why when things go bad in their life I'm not there for them. I don't trust the world like I used to, and I honestly never will. There's really not a person on this planet that's gonna make that change. I used to believe that there was, but that side of me has slowly dertieriated, and there's no sign of it coming back any time soon.

[rashad95]

Depression & Thoughts

Shit, I thought I was past this, but here I am again. Right back in step one. I move to one city, it follows me, so I think it'll just stay in that City when I leave. But as usual, I am wrong again. I'm always wrong. I have never been write about anything positive in my life. But I'm always right about the negative things. Who knows, maybe things will look up in the future, or so that's what I thought. Then again I thought moving to another city would do me Justice. And I can't even keep up with a lot of the people that live in that City. But I always ask myself these questions: when is it going to be my turn? When are things going to look up for me? When is somebody going to see that I can be the best thing for them? When am I going to stop wasting my time with people who really don't care for me? When am I going to stop wasting my time doing things that aren't going to help me in the future? And when am I going to stop running from everything and everyone? Eventually I'm going to have to stop running and I'm going to have to face everything. But even when I thought that was a good idea, and I tried to do it, 8 of course came back to just hit me in the face like a brick wall. I'm tired of staying awake until 4 every morning. I'm tired of waking up and seeing my phone fully charged with nobody caring to talk to me. When I turned 18, I believe that God put people on this Earth that weren't meant for anyone. Four years later, that thought is still inside of my head and it refuses to go away. Maybe God didn't put me on this Earth to not have anybody for me. Maybe I am meant to walk this Earth alone. I pray that I don't.

[rashad95]

Or wanted to be like everyone else. Its my upbringing that keeps me from that, and I don't know if I should happy about that or mad. I'm not the person I used to be, but I'm sure as hell not the person I want to be.

Its seriously gonna take some time to get past this. I really think that a change of scenery will 100% help that. I know this sounds so selfish but I think its time to move. Leave where I'm at and make the move somewhere else. I'm seriously gonna hurt my friends, but I really do think this is whats for the best.

jealousy

I know what my problem is. I’ve been ignoring it all for too long but I know 100% what it is. that 10-letter word. Its what keeps my from sleeping healthy at night. the reason I can’t be happy with myself. I want someone else’s happiness. It’s my biggest imperfection.

It happens all around me. seeing two people walking hand in hand in wedded bliss. Acting without a care in the world. having someone else tell you “I love you” or “I miss you.” their happiness is what I want in my life. I think thats mostly cause I’m not happy with myself. I haven’t been for a long time now.

Jealously to me is a hard emotion to decipher because it primarily deals with more than one emotion. its love, hate, anger and sadness all in one. and I know because I feel them all. at at once. I don’t believe the human brain was made to deal with all of those emotions at once.

This really all started with things that happened in my past and I let them build. Build, build BUILD. I know that I made a SERIOUSLY stupid mistake of letting that happen and to let things build this far. I really just want to