#as long as i dont pull out of my spring courses and pass them aka maintain my sap

[the-bells-bells-bells]

2:15 am: think more on how I have a writing assignment and exam due for one course tomorrow night and also another f*cking English assignment (for “focusing your topic” or some shit, it’s convulted as hell). Realize I may not have enough time to do all three of these tomorrow after work, especially since I still have to do the readings before taking the exam so I don’t suck as bad.

3:30 am: finish writing up writing assignment (it’s a short 600 word reflection on a source I had to find first related to the material this week), do citation and title page, and submit.

I totally bullshitted that assignment, but I feel like it’s reasonably decent bullshit. Also slightly pissed at myself because why at 2 in the morning am I suddenly productive and awake but not at 2 or 6 pm? Especially since I have work at 9 am. I both want to be kind of proud for pulling that off that fast after not doing so for three years and pissed because if I could /focus/ earlier in the day I wouldn’t have had to /do/ that. Would love to figure out how much of that is to do with it being also at my personal computer (that I screw around at), how much is to do with depression, and how much with something else because I need to figure out how to focus better please brain. It’s also already the 21st of October and I don’t know how time did that.

[heysatori]

Can you write about the Bakusquad, you know each of them, where y/n has been through a lot of heartbreaks and is unsure about relationships, but they reassure y/n that they won't do that and everything will be fine? And maybe a little fluff in the end for good measure.

Bakusquad reacting to y/n being scared of getting into a relationship genre: fluff, angst pairings: Bakugou x reader, Kirishima x reader, Sero x reader, Kaminari x reader, Ashido x reader a/n: sorry i responded to this a little late! all ive been doing is watching minecraft streams, watching anime and sleeping while balancing school work ehe (⌒_⌒;) but thank u sm for the request ! i hope this satisfies ur request ! disclaimer that the pictures im using arent mine ! they are from heroacacaps ! so credits to them ! if u guys want to scream at me u can dm me here or on my twitter ! @kodzusan (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ im still accepting requests

Bakugou Katsuki

both you and bakugou were scared of relationships for different reasons

bakugou was scared because he knew how rough he was around the edges, if he was even fit to be in nice relationship 

you on the other hand were scared of relationships because of the amount of heartbreaks youve been through 

you were cheated on, broken up with, ghosted, and just left hanging 

after all those mistakes you learned ur lesson ! 

so after having bakugou come up to you, courting you in the nicest way possible (giving you a bowl of your favorite food), you didnt know how to react 

on surface level, katsuki had quite a few red flags here and there 

but since you had gotten to know the boy a little better over the course of time, you learned to understand why he is the way he is 

you trusted bakugou 

so having him court you was surprising 

although u had the fattest crush on him, you still didnt know what to do

so instead of refusing him with no reason, you explained your past to him (parts of which he already knew) 

he understood completely, all he wanted was to treat you right and make you happy !! 

“listen y/n, i know im a little rough around the edges, but i promise you that i wont do any of that stupid shit to you! all of your exes are absolute fuckin’ dumbasses for doing that to you and im here to treat you right and make you the happiest youve ever been! if you’ll let me” 

ヽ( `д´*)ノ <- he blushes a little at the end

although wary, u trust him 1000% !! 

so you accept his offer !! 

hes pretty shocked that you accepted and instantly pulls you in a hug ! 

“thank you, i promise you fucking wont regret this”

Kirishima Eijirou 

you had honestly fallen for eijirou the moment you met him 

but with your considerable bad love life you decided against pursuing after him 

but u couldnt help but feel urself get drawn towards him ! 

and surprise surprise ! you two become great friends ! 

but as time passes by, ur feelings for him become stronger, which is the total opposite of what u wanted  (╯︵╰,)

so its an even bigger surprise when kirishima comes up to you with your favorite flower, asking you to be his significant other 

he was so sweet but u were too scared to get into another relationship ! 

even though u and ur exes were in middle school at that time, those things still hurt you 

you explain all of this carefully to the redhead, not wanting to hurt his feelings 

he feels tears spring to his eyes as you tell him about your past 

he just wants to make you happy ! 

so without thinking, he pulls you into a hug 

“im so sorry that happened to you! you dont have to get with me if your scared! but just know that i wont ever, ever do those things to you! all i want is to make you happy, but its alright if you say no, ill still be here for you no matter what” 

overwhelmed with emotions, you end up tearing up as well, melting in his bear hug 

not wanting to make such a rash decision in the height of your emotions you tell the red head you’ll think about it (strongly hinting that you want to say yes)

Sero Hanta 

sero is a very chill man so your attraction to him was a little unexpected 

but you admire him a lot for a lot of things that he does !

u keep ur attraction to him on the down low though 

it felt a little one sided for a while

you two barely interacted and he didnt even look at you most of the time 

but your relationship with him took a sudden turn and u two became close friends !

you two bonded over mangas that you both read, occasionally spending time in his room to read the latest releases together !

one day, sero invited you to his room to read a romance manga he found out about a few days prior 

you come over and end up sharing the book since you didnt have ur own copy 

when you and sero reach a panel where the main characters aka the lovebirds finally kissed for the first time, the tall boy looked over to you 

“wish i could do this with you” he said gently 

NOTHING could explain how surprised u were !! 

“are you serious?” 

“of course i am” 

at this you explain to sero that although you reciprocate the feelings, relationships are a little rocky for you considering your past relationships 

sero wraps an arm around you and pulls you to his side, burying his nose in the side of your head 

“thats fine, you dont have to say yes, just you knowing that i like you is good enough for me, just know that i wouldnt ever think about doing those stupid things to you, but if i can make you happy now, then im already doing a great job” 

Kaminari Denki 

kaminari was a very sociable boy !! so it was impossible that you two werent friends after a few months you start to notice the way your cheeks tend to heat up when ur around the blond 

other people were also very aware at how when you and kaminari were together, both of you became blushing messes 

they didnt talk about it though 

they wanted the two oblivious dumbasses to figure it out themselves - ehem bakugou 

one day though, kaminari comes knocking at your door, looking ridiculously shy 

“uhm hi! i uh, i was, uhm, wondering if you maybe wanted to date me?” 

before you could even process what he said, he immediately took it back 

“wait no! uhm well i mean i like you a lot, thats why im asking! like a lot alot! i love your smile and your laugh and everything and i just, like making you happy, it makes me super duper ultra happy!”

although u want to accept denkis offer, your horrible dating life was looming over you

with this, you quietly tell denki that you dont think relationships are your thing 

he doesnt hesitate to ask you why !

you unwillingly tell him about your stupid relationships and hes quick to retaliate your self degrading words 

“hey! you arent stupid alright? you were young, things have changed! you’ve changed! i dont wanna force you into anything but just know, even if im a dumbass i wont treat you like that, ever! in fact, ill even be the best relationship youve ever had!” 

he pulls you into a hug not long after, squeezing you tight against his chest

“i trust you, sure, ill date you” (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡

Ashido Mina 

mina is a very determined person !

so when she wants something, she’ll get it one way or another 

so when she realized her big fat crush on you, she knew immediately that she wanted to date you 

and it wasnt just something about you, it was everything about you!

the way you stand, laugh, smile, talk, even if ur just sitting at your desk nodding off into sleep, she still thinks your the most amazing person ever (￣ε￣＠)

she doesnt hesitate to approach you after she is absolutely SURE about her feelings towards you

youre shocked of course, but you couldnt deny that you harbored feelings towards mina either 

you reluctantly tell her that although the feelings were mutual, you were still scared of getting into a relationship 

she listens carefully as u tell her about your past, rubbing your arm as comfort as you reveal a few of your insecurities 

“you didnt deserve any of that, i hope you know that! you dont have to say yes or anything, i dont want you to feel forced or pity, but i can treat you so much better that all of those jackasses! but we dont have to date for that, i can still do those things as a loving and good friend!” 

[stanmxm]

im youngmin as a prince

this is my first time doing this bear with me please-- it’s also hellaaa long so i put it under the cut to save those who dont want to scroll past the whole thing lol

is highly highly highly respected and loved by everyone in his kingdom

hes so sweet to all his people like he’ll go out of his way to check on them and make sure they’re all doing well bc he loves his kingdom so much

even sent christmas cards and extra food to all the households in the town during the holidays like WHAT A SWEETHEART

anyways

he loves his kingdom so deeply you can imagine how on edge he becomes when his dad is suddenly ill and about to pass

bc now it’s time for youngmin to step in as king and like?? he’s nOT READY

but he can’t let his kingdom NOT have a king like his people need a leader-- and his mother bless her but she doesn’t really have leadership skills rip so youngmin is their only hope

BUT he’s not married.. he can barely talk to girls lmao but it’s against royal law (?) to become a king without a queen so

that’s where you come in

your family is more into the whole “TAKE ALL THE POWER” part of royalty so they really really want to take some control of as many kingdoms as possible

but brand new kingdom (SHOOT ME) (that’s youngmin’s kingdom btw) is way too big and powerful to overtake so what better way to gain some power than to give away their daughter aka you amirite

word gets around pretty fast that youngmin is looking for a wife so they ship you off HELLA QUICK LIKE YOU’RE OFF ON A HORSE BEFORE U CAN BLINK THEY’RE WAVING AND SHIT LIKE “GO GET U THAT MAN BRING US BACK A RICH POWERFUL HEIR”

ur mad the whole way there like tf what if you don’t like youngmin he could be an asshole

needless to say that when you get there he is in fact an asshole lol

there are a bunch of girls there tryna marry him i dont blame them like bitch sign me up and he just lines them up and is scanning them up and down

and ur like??? until he stops and says “mary’s dad has four children, three of them are named monday, tuesday, and wednesday; what’s the fourth child’s name?”

and now ur like ??????? wtf is he doing

until some girl on the opposite end of u yells all confidently with a really loud voice “thursday!!” and you just

you try to keep ur mouth shut and be nice but you just

“dumbass the fourth child is mary”

you realize that you swore and it was hella disrespectful so you open your mouth to apologize until

“find her a dress. i’m marrying that one.” youngmin points straight to you and says before walking out and you’re like wHAT

within a few days all your stuff is unpacked (into your own room bc youngmin wont let you near his) and you’ve had a wedding and get settled in as the new queen of brand new kingdom

all the while youngmin hasn’t said word to you? the only thing that you’ve heard leave his mouth since you were chosen was “i do” and das it

a few weeks pass and still, nothing from youngmin. the most he gives you is glares as you pass each other and requests for you to sign documents regarding the kingdom and stuff

but in the meantime you have gotten to know his mother who LOVES you and catches you up on the kingdom, how things work, what the people are like, and she even gave you a tour of the town once so you could meet everyone

you want to ask her some things about youngmin but figure it’s not your place.. so you go to the people instead LMAO

you visit a few families and shops and they all say the same thing: that youngmin is extremely sweet and warmhearted and that they’re all so blessed to have him as their king

you’re just like?? we’re talking abt the same youngmin right lol

one day you visit this little old lady’s florist shop in the corner of town and speak with her a little bit

she tells you that since spring season just started, you should prob look out a bit for youngmin bc his allergies start acting up then hands you a bouquet of periwinkle flowers and says

“these are his favorite and they don’t make him sick, can you give them to him for me and tell him to take care of himself? he must be awfully tired”

YOUR HEART IS CRYING OF COURSE YOU GOTTA GO GIVE HIM THE FLOWERS FOR THE CUTE ELDERLY LADY

that night you reluctantly go to youngmin’s office

you creek the door open just a bit to see him tugging at his hair as he looks over paperwork, obviously stressed over something

you clear your throat and knock on the door, causing youngmin to look up at you but he seems to just get more upset lol

“can i help you?” he has this really cold tone and ur like shit who put ur panties in a twist

“i visited mrs.kim this afternoon-”

“at the florist shop?”

“uh yeah, her, and she asked me to give these to you” you pull the flowers from behind the door and youngmin’s mood went 0 to 100 REAL QUICK

it’s like all the angry washed away from his face and his eyes just light up and he’s all smiley HE’S SO PRECIOUS

“periwinkles! those are my favorite- i can’t believe she remembered!” he happily stands and takes the flowers from you as you step into the middle of the room

“she asked me to tell you that you should take care of yourself” youre trying not to look him in the eye cause even tho he was being cute af you know he can be scary

youngmin’s smile starts to frown and now he’s pouting WHAT A CUTE BABY and he’s like “i haven’t visited her at all since i’ve become king. i haven’t visited ANY of my people”

he grabs one of the chairs closest to him and sits down, putting his head in his hands after setting the flowers on the table

youre kind of just standing there not knowing what to do until you hear sniffs and soft gasps and youre like omfg he’s crying

so you just awkwardly pat him on the back.. and say “do you.. wanna talk about it..”

turns out youngmin did wanna talk about it lmao he tells you how scared he is, says that he doesn’t want to fail his people and feels so stressed about everything

you tell him everything that he needed to hear: that all his people loved him and even if it meant that he couldn’t see them as often as he’d like he’s doing what’s best for everyone and according to the people you’ve talked to, he’s being a pretty amazing king

you end up being his listening ear after that-- he trusts in you more and talks to you when making decisions and at first you’re like? you really trust me with this

and he LAUGHS wow that was the first time you heard his laugh it was magical and he was like “i chose you because you weren’t stupid, remember?”

and you’re like OHHHH NOW IT MAKES SENSE

time passes and you and youngmin become closer.. it turns out that youngmin was being an asshole to you bc he truly believed that you should be in love before getting married, and felt that he was being cheated out of that bc of the whole situation

he was also kind of uncomfortable with u being apart of things because he didn’t know you that well so he didnt know if he trusted you BUT now you two are close and he needs you for every decision!!

one day after a long day of work and going over papers, you just so happen to fall asleep in youngmin’s office on the couch

and youngmin was trying to be considerate and everything right bc your bedroom was pretty far (it was really just a few halls down) but his was right there so why not

like

just take you to his room and cuddle you all night KJLFJKDFJKFD

needless to say you were surprised when you woke up in youngmin’s arms the next morning

happily surprised ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

after that you started “accidentally” falling asleep in his office more often

and youngmin would always “be considerate” and let you sleep in his bed

it came to a point where your maids got so sick of it that they packed up all ur shit for you and moved it into his room without you two knowing

at first yall were like “what?1!??1! no we totally aren’t living together!1!!1″

yall never tried to move your stuff out

it didn’t take long after that for youngmin to confess to you or for you to happily accept

sometime during your relationship you and youngmin get to spend a rare sunday afternoon in bed cuddling and just listening to each other’s heartbeats

until youngmin says “babe.. let’s get married”

and you snort and hold up your hand with your wedding ring

“youngmin, we ARE married”

your husband sits up and shakes his head, pulling you into his chest and leaning his head on yours

“i mean a real wedding where we can actually express how much we love each other without all the pressure and stuff for press. i just want to show everyone how much i truly love you”

GOODBYE I’M DYING HE’S THE CUTEST

before you know it there are wedding bells and you’re walking down the aisle wearing a dress you chose yourself this time and there’s your husband actually smiling at you with as much love as he can muster

the wedding goes amazing, your loved ones are all there to congratulate you two on being truly in love as well as the town to celebrate the greatest king and queen duo brand new kingdom has ever had

and there are lots, and lots, of periwinkles

[shiningpeacekeeper]

My solid ground is a flower garden.

by Shining Peacekeeper 2/4/2020 Extended traumatic experiences and/or constant stress damages the brain, so some people develop a "pre-disposition" early in life to being in a constant state of fight or flight. 

How do you heal the brain?

How do you get to a place where you are no longer shredded to pieces and have the energy/focus/resources to be an organized, productive, calm, kind and optimistic human being instead of someone on the edge of a trash fire all the time? Liable to break down, scream, recoil, explode and/or generally unable to focus and give energy on long term goals?

How do you stop living with the feeling you will "never be able to"? Is it a fallacy that this is even possible? 

I envy the people who don’t seem to struggle against the mind each day, who can move on from mishaps and troubles, who seem flexible and adaptable and generally pre-disposed to a happy and optimistic outlook. I wish sometimes I was so put together. I've tried hard for so many years to take care and heal, but the older I get and see the wired stress response set so firmly in place, I feel discouraged sometimes about my own ability to respond to situations "appropriately" and grow into a better human being. I feel like I'm always looking through a mirror and seeing a monster barely caged, or being that sick-self viewing the world through a skin that fools other people into thinking I'm nicer, more mature, more steady, stronger, more graceful and capable of life than I actually feel. 

Why must I always be broken in two? 

There was a moment a few nights ago I saw with one set of eyes for the first time in years, maybe the 3rd time in my life. I was one person. One mind, free. What secret words did Spirit whisper in my ears that gave me that key? I wish I had written it down now. 

The summer before last I spent a few weeks learning about DID (aka Multiple Personalities) and while I don't have this condition, I can relate to some of the visuals people with this used to describe their experiences. An inner world, and speaking with parts of themselves, and sort of being "split" into parts. I've studied and practiced shamanism (as introduced in a western context often called "core-shamanism") for a large part of my life, knowledgeably and unknowingly. A key concept in shamanic practices around the world is the idea of "soul loss", bit of your essence splitting off in response to traumatic events.

I have been the practitioner, bringing precious pieces of self back to someone who needed them, and I have been the patient both of other soul retrievers and of my own inner work and each experience has had noticeable physical, mental and emotional responses. Full integration however, has not been successful every time and I put that down to a bio-chemically/physiologically ingrained patterning to stress and other environmental factors that are acting like blockers on neurons when they can’t receive information or certain chemicals that let them act appropriately.

Maybe the fallacy is believing that any one role-model in the world feels all the pieces of their inner and outer life are uninhibited and perfectly aligned, thus enabling them to feel satisfied and successful with no caveats. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to feel and experience?  The ability to cope? When other people are faced with problems don’t they just go “hmmm...okay, that’s a challenge...let’s do this instead?” simple and easy? Don’t other people feel like they have everything they need up to the present moment acting as a stable surface to stand on, thus creating a surety that they can hold up their own sky (and possibly occasionally and temporarily the sky of others) with no worries of the infrastructure beneath their feet giving way?

I don’t. I usually feel like I can’t even stand at ground level because the earth around me is a broke and desiccated valley, crumbling away to voids and fire. Here and there a healthy patch of solid ground has developed and from time to time I must be standing in those lush places, but I rarely see it when I do. I feel the other parts keenly though, because it’s like I’m hanging on for dear life, all the strength I have working just to not slip off the edge and into dangerous subterranean territories.  All this missing ground are the things I didn’t get growing up, or the skills I didn’t develop that would have made me a normal, healthy person capable of coping with the nominal stresses of daily life, things other people never blink an eye at, or at most shluff a heavy sigh off their chest about, can send this stress-damaged brain into tears, panic, anxiety, anger, depression (and not uncommonly more than one or two of those in rapid succession). 

All this is said trying to find the imagery to describe why I feel incapable or unprepared for the challenges of my ambitions, not to mention day to day living. All of this to explain why I feel like I might never be as successful as I want to be, and as I see others being (others who in my mind seem to float on effortless clouds of right-place-right-time-and-all-the-resources-I-didn’t/dont, people who it’s clear to me, don’t have the same relationship to stress and it’s subsequent inhibitors that I do).

So this imagery exists, but so does a memory. There was a time (let’s go back to shamanism class here) I felt the crumbling under my feet and I remember hearing a voice (the teacher, a spirit, a friend?) assure me that the ground under my feet was solid, she would always hold me up. I’m sure it was a spirit I’ve worked with for years and associate her strongly with that memory and few others, but the image in retrospect was strong. Solid, stable, deep earth. No cracks, no crumbling, it was ground I could trust and do.  I can’t tell if that ground is the oasis's between my crumbling mental structure that I occasionally climb to safety on or if the crumbling is a terrible lie, a vision of fear cast on me by terror and remnant stress responses echoing in my brain. When that original vision came, I was clutching the ground in terror and saw that it was in fact stable. I have started to believe that the times I find myself clinging to a ledge are correspondent with comparing myself to others, feeding into the knee-jerk reactions to environmental stresses. While remembering the solid ground--akin to the effects of breathing and meditation--reminds me that I am capable, stable. It’s taught me digging back to “what am I missing from when I was 10?” isn’t helpful for day to day living for me. If I keep focusing on that missing, supposedly key elements, of my adolescent development I continue to ignore the skills I’ve built in the interim, and possibly overlook the fact that I have built or replaced those losses in the natural course of “doing the work”.  That’s when I can tell you about the castle and the rose garden. It’s beautiful. It didn’t always look like this, but after Abraham (my partner of 7 years and friend for 3 more) died suddenly, I revisited this place in myself I’d discovered around the time we got together. Only back then it was a fully terrifying place with guards and spiky iron and a generally bleak landscape full of mistrust and strong locks with thick chains. Some time in the months after he passed away I was taken there as swiftly as closing my eyes and shocked to see the opulent blooming vegetation encrusted space with colors and texture like some kind of agreement between a overgrown British garden and spring festival faery grounds.

I was shocked because I hadn’t really revisited this place, this poetic imagery since before we moved in together, the times of iron clad soldiers and dimly lit echoing halls and an overall macabre feeling; and suddenly I was seeing the most literal metaphor--the garden of love-- our relationship, his affections and my sense of self had grown over 7 years. If nothing else in my life ever gives me as strong a visual of what I’ve BUILT, I will always be able to rely on this imagery. I can not contemplate what I don’t have enough of, or what pre-historic tetris pieces in the mantle of my inner-earth are missing when I walk through the flower capped avenues, but I think there’s probably many metaphors to gain about what skills I’ve strengthened that have helped this flora to flourish so aptly. 

When I feel incapable I look at the resilience and adaptability I’ve modeled since the discovery of this exquisite Becoming. I use that double vision to see myself as someone else and with distance I have grown appreciation and respect that I can pull into my internal expressions in moments of clarity.

I’ve done a lot of work on healing my soul, my grief, my sexuality, my heart but I don’t know what the answer to healing the brain is. My world is rounding out and more stones in the “cairn” of my being are strong and stable enough to support the weight when my mind is weak. (That’s a metaphor for another time but think about a mental map: social, family, food, shelter, alone time, arts, etc) When I can remember and pull myself to my feet and shake away the fear that tells me the spot I’m standing on doesn’t exist, I can use all these other tools to bring me back to center. 

I feel like that’s the closest thing I have to health right now.