#as if i haven’t seen the scene at least 50 times now

[princessjadyn15]

ok I didn’t really want to make another post about Dark Beginnings since I’ve already made/rebloged a lot of posts related to it but I now feel like doing it since I recently saw someone make a dumb comment about it (they were probably saying it to get attention and rage bait or something but whatever I feel like this is an interesting analysis to do)

“its been 50 years, she's gone, get over it”

There’s just a lot wrong with this take

For 50 of those years he was in a stasis sleep. So to him Maria’s death and the trauma he went through when it happened was pretty recent, I don’t really know how much time has past between sonic adventure 2 and sonic x shadow generations but I’m gonna assume it’s been a couple years (one thing I do want to mention that I feel is a important point is that professor Gerald altered Shadow’s memories after Maria’s death, so that itself is already pretty traumatic considering Shadow probably trusted him during his time living on the ark)

he is going to the ark AKA the place where he experienced his trauma. Now this is kinda based on something someone else said but supposedly the last time he went to the Ark was in the Shadow the Hedgehog game, and he still kinda lost some of his memories. Now he is going back to ark Ark after pretty much recovering all his memories, even his painful ones

he is going up against Black Doom. The main reason he is going back to the ark is because he suspects that the black arms and Black Doom have returned, now I haven’t played the Shadow the Hedgehog game but from what I heard Black Doom was a very evil character, he took advantage of Shadow since he lost his memories and used him to get the chaos emeralds. Not only that but technically Black Doom is Shadow’s biological father since he was created using his DNA (Shadow has never actually called Black Doom father, at least as far as I know). And finally

PEOPLE 👏 EXPERIENCE 👏 TRAUMA 👏 DIFFERENTLY 👏 Now I’m going get slightly personal but as someone who has experienced something traumatic before (not as bad as Shadow’s and it’s different from what happened to him) just because you have moved on doesn’t mean the trauma is just gone, honestly as I was reading some analysis on the episode I for a moment actually thought about what I’ve been through and realized I kinda related to shadow in that moment (which is probably one of the reasons I cried), while I have moved on from what happened the trauma is still there and I may have moments where I remember it and feel sad about it, that’s kinda what was happening with Shadow, he was being reminded of the trauma on a big scale. The first episode was him have a “nightmare” of his trauma and now he has to go back to the ark and face Black Doom, and those visions of him thinking about the life he and Maria could of have, of course he is gonna have a small panic attack, I’ve even seen some people connect the scene with PTSD.

a bit of a bonus but I wanted to link this tweet that kinda inspired me to make this analysis in the first place. Some of the comments under the post are quite interesting and make a few good points

now I do want to point out that I’m still new to the Sonic fandom so it’s possible that some of things I’ve mentioned might of been incorrect or that I might of missed a few important parts, if that is the case I do apologize (I also apologize if there are any grammatical errors as well, I literally made this whole thing at like 9:30pm so I should be in bed lol)

[rezcowgirl]

Make your friends draw things. For example: make them draw their favourite bird after 3 drinks. 

And then treasure them forever.

Corvid bloc power. I love that me and Jess basically drew the same thing, except her’s is a raven and mine is a crow with a peanut butter packet that I saw once (the…the one on the top left is supposed to be a crow, too. It was drawn by a 44 year old).

Alex also wrote: "ALEX. Dakota has friends" because I was saying that I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't believe I have friends...He's so thoughtful.

The only dress code was “wear your favourite socks”.  And the only request was "get sloshed on my schnapps" because we somehow ended up with THREE bottles of peppermint schnapps and I HATE that shit. But someone brought Poli Miele and made a 50/50 ratio shot with the schnapps and it weirdly worked?

About half of my friends don't drink, so I also offered two really nice proxies. I'm a wonderful host btw. Even if I fall ass first onto your face (you are welcome).

I slept for fifteen hours afterward, but I’d say the party was restorative. To my soul. Probably not to my body, but I can worry about that later. Falling into the laps of my friends trying to get around the kotatsu without upending everything, I was gifted one of those fleeting, shiny moments where I thought “I’m exactly where I need to be”. Those little affirmations mean a lot, because, um. If you haven’t figured it out, I’m not feeling that so strongly in my professional life. My SOCIAL life, though? Yay. 

Yay, when I actually get to see my friends and be social at least. I realize a big part of the grief of the last month has been compounded because I hadn’t seen anyone in weeks. I did go see Wicked with some friends the other week, but we all had to part right after.

Anyway, for the second time, the same person asked for my Tumblr. I really like her, but absolutely NO. So I said “OKAY! TELL ME YOUR SCREEN NAME!” and she was like “YAAAY” and she pulled out her phone, and I continued  “SO I CAN BLOCK YOU”. 

She was pissed. Pulled her phone to her chest, aghast at my rudeness. HAHAHAHA. YOU THOUGHT.

I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my venting space. It means a lot to me to have this place to sink all my anxieties into and to have impartial feedback when I most need it. (I stopped regular therapy last year lol. Lmao, even.)

This party was smaller than others, because there are some cracks though the group now. It’s only natural over a decade. This isn’t complaining (which I can and will continue to do). This is more of a reflection on friendship and navigating the murky, sludge waters of IRL community organizing.

These days, the majority of my local friends are people I gravitated toward in the local queer kink scene. My connections are through years of finding my feet as an awkward introvert that draws in other awkward introverts. I’m really good at pretending to be an awkward extrovert now. It came up at an event recently - a new person said “You don’t seem like an introvert” and I responded “YES I KNOW. I AM TRYING SO HARD HERE. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.” I never intended to be on the newbie welcoming committee, but after a decade I suppose this is also natural. My friend will blatantly bring shy new femme people over to me like “This is K", and the “you are welcome to hide behind her” is implied. And welcomed. Because I get it.

At this point, I’ve seen many of my friends through various life changes, as they’ve seen me through mine. Relationships change and end, some tensions rise and fall. Although most relationships have ended amicably, there was one recent breakup that was rough. I love both of them dearly, but they don’t want to be in the same room, which is: none of my business, and I respect that. But it DOES mean I have to cycle through invites. It’s a balancing act now. One person I love a lot was not invited. And that sucks. And I’m always torn between sending a message along the lines of: I hope there’s no hard feelings, but it’s _____’s turn”, or not saying anything at all. This time, I didn’t say anything at all (Was that right???).

I also vented about this briefly in the past, but earlier this year, I found out a person very close to me violated the consent of some people at a private event (that I was invited to, but I didn’t attend). Afterward, he didn’t tell me, and I only found out second hand months later. I was told the whole story in a public pool, and I was obviously livid, spiraling, and ended up calling my best friend while I was still dripping wet and she was out with her parents. I felt completely inconsolable, but she talked me down (I love her so much). 

I “invited” him to speak about it with me the next day. I admit it wasn’t so much an optional invite as much as it was “prove to me you are invested in this relationship and this community as I am”. Yes, it was to try and get some resolution, but the “invite” was extended with the huge caveat that I was very mad at him for not telling me and that our friendship was on thin ice. 

I don’t want to foster the kind of community that makes you feel you need to confess each of your fuck ups and self-flagellate, but with something like this, it did not fall under a regular caliber fuck-up. On top of hurting the people who were the victims, it came back to hurt me and Aries. Since I help organize events/vet people, she told me that some people were assuming that I was sweeping it under the rug/”taking his side”, keeping it quiet. I wasn’t. I didn’t KNOW about it.

It was shitty of him and he was 100% in the wrong, but given that in the months post-incident, he and the people directly involved came to a resolution, I was willing to forgive him. With the major warning that if something like this happened again, we would not be friends anymore. It was awkward. It was painful. Our relationship hasn’t been the same since. He’s pulled back from the community substantially because of it, and I am actually sad about that. I don’t need to hash out the fine details, but he’s not a bad person. But he made an inarguably bad decision.

Yes, I want a community where you are ALLOWED to fuck up, but a big part of post fuck-up needs to be accountability. He’s a conventionally attractive white cis dude. He was 100% gliding by via his privilege. No one said anything for months because he was someone generally considered untouchable, and to an extent, that feeling was also extended to me. No one confronted ME because they assumed I was fine with it, and that because I hold some authority (mostly arbitrary - but I DO), that I was also considered untouchable/unapproachable. I am so grateful to the person who did eventually tell me, she said she felt like she was hashing out drama and I made it very clear this IS NOT 'drama', but a very serious incident. I am sad it took so long for someone to talk to me. It was a failure at the foundations of our organizing. I told him all this, and I think it made it hurt a lot more than if I just gave him space to explain and apologize given that it was “resolved” with the people directly involved. But it was the truth. I know he respects me as someone who will tell the truth, and that designation would mean nothing if I didn’t in this instance.

I think a part of the reason the events we (‘we’ is much more than the two of us here FYI) coordinate together are generally respected is because they are highly vetted. Vetted to the point that some people in the wider community complain about it. You have to meet at least one of the organizers in person before you are given a location, which is what the most common complaint is about. And sure, it might seem over the top, but it stems from the history when another major organizer in the past was exposed for allowing MINORS at his parties on top of generally being an abusive POS. A lot of trans people felt unsafe/unwelcome, and someone was doxxed to their work. We TRY, which is the key word here. We fail, too.

I am really proud of the little hovel of freaks we have. I think we do a good job for the most part. But since my friend has stepped back, I’ve also grappled with wanting to do the same. I am not upset with anyone who is suspect of me because of his actions. I can totally understand the perception that I was ignoring the issue. The people closest to the incident now understand that I wasn’t aware until months afterward, and that I confronted him about it the day after I found out.

I don’t know if me and this person will ever be close again. And I’m sad. His wife is genuinely one of my favourite people, but I didn’t invite her to my party. Two of the people I invited don’t want to be around him, and it feels really awkward to be like “you can come, but leave your husband at home”. 

My parties are NOT kink parties, although people are welcome to wear whatever they want/or not want, as long as there is no bare ass on our couches. Someone might end up hogtied in a corner somewhere, but like, in a funsies practice way, not in a scene way.

I don’t feel guilty, but I feel reflective. Of course I can't make everyone happy. I don’t like asking people to “keep this one quiet” because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of people not invited, but even if they did find out, we’re all adults, all in our 30s+, and we can deal with it. I sometimes worry that this might devolve into some high school-esque clique drama, but then when I really think about it, these are all people that are my friends because I trust them. I think they know me better than that.

Anyway, someone did bring their mega-vanilla husband, which is generally fine as long as their partner briefs them with "People do what they want. You are probably going to see some tits."

But one of the first things he said when he came in was "IS THIS 'IN YOUR ROOM'?" and I was like "YESSSSS. 🤩🤩🤩🤩" and he said "I love their darker stuff - people really like Just Can't Get Enough and People are People but I don't fully get it" and I was like "😍😍😍😍".

He goes to Verboden Festival!!!!

I did not invite him to Friday's Depeche Mode night, though. If he's REALLY invested, he'll be there without me telling him about it. 😂 (I want to go alone.)

[im-out-of-it]

part 4 of season 1, episode 10

49. “I’m not letting jace sacrifice my sister for his girlfriends pointless crusade.”-can we at least talk about how angry Alec is????? he found out his parents lied about their history, how jace lied about taking clary back (not agreeing about the meliorn thing but it is added irritation for Alec.) to the institute, how he stole the cup, and now Izzy’s life hangs in the balance. and it may seem dramatic but it would mean Izzy could never be a shadowhunter ever again. Jace and clary running off while Izzy’s life is hanging by a thread

50. some may look at Alec and think he’s overreacting but you have to take a look at Alec and everything he has been dealing with. he’s broken so many clave rules for clary, “has” feelings for jace and is watching jace do things he would never do for Alec. this bond is so weak and half sided that I’m surprised it ever did repair. I think 100% jace is the issue because he’s the one who weakened it. he takes advantage of Alec and this is something I’m not willing to argue with. it’s very clear that jace expects Alec to do whatever he wants him to do. how many times have we seen or heard jace ask what Alec needs or wants? he’s always putting his needs before Alec’s.

51. “Promise you won’t let it break.”-hodge “Jace is dead to me.”- now that’s my Alec 🔥✨ I’m actually surprised how much Alec has allowed without going off on jace. I’m not as nice apparently lmao SORRY IM PETTY LMAO

52. want to make a small parallel:

53. the “to us” scene is almost the exact same as the one in episode 4, but also “to use” has a lot of meaning because this line has been used on three separate occasions. in episode 4, 10 of season one and also the third season finale. it’s got a lot of meaning ✨

54. I believe AU Alec and Magnus met up and just fell instantly in love and lived a happy life together and they had zero worries because there are no demons and no jace and clary to “protect”. they just do their own thing away from Malec as they fucking should. THEY ARE HAPPY OK?????? 🫶🏼

55. this is probably the most I will ever like jace (not counting clary since technically it’s the same clary) because he’s not being self centered that we see and he actually seems relaxed and not a irritating dick

56. I think it’s funny how clary has had barely an training besides with alec which lasted not even a minute and jace telling her how to hold a blade- that she knows how to fight now. she’s had barely any training and all of a second, a skilled shadowhunter? it doesn’t make sense and this realm, they no longer have need for shadowhunters. unless she’s had training before when they were needed (and if Jocelyn and Valentine told her everything and trained her as a shadowhunter- yes that does make sense) but it’s still weird that she suddenly knows how to fight (wait for Alec and clary training towards the end of this list)

57. oh no jace is injured. how awful for him

58. let the useless dickhead die PLEASE

59. Alec is like I tried little sis 😭

60. at least they are on speaking terms, right???? (I know it’s basically the same gif but it warms my cold heart)

61. goodbye AU alec 😭🥰 I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH OKAY CAN YOU BLAME ME

62. also another parallel that won’t be mentioned until season 2 for those who are reading and haven’t watched the show

63. bonus scene I didn’t get to add for episode 5:

64. I’m sorry but it’s just so fun to watch lmao she could’ve used that more often

65. small note- I really love the differences with show Izzy and Alec vs the books. when I read the books, I didn’t get the feeling that Alec and Izzy were all that close. but in the show, they’re super close with Alec growing and starting to tell Izzy things. izzy and Alec barely fight- except for this episode instance and when the demon enters the institute in season 2. also I like the fact that shadowhunters can shapeshift as in the books, Tessa is the only one known to do it.

66. Alec can fight on his whole and proudly handle his own affairs and business. he’s not displayed as some ratty weak fighter who can’t learn anything and has to wish he was like jace. he’s his own person. and this is something that is very important when it comes to Alec. from these first 10 episodes, he is trying to manage his emotions as best as he can while also figuring out the path for him. he obviously is attracted to Magnus but is fighting it the best he can in this cat and mouse game they have going on

67. Izzy is a wonderful sister. she’s such a girls girl. befriending clary, always having Alec’s back, being one of the fiercest fighters as well as aiding her family in any way she can, and constantly trying to do the right thing. I’m not a fan of book Izzy all that much. but that’s on the writing.

68. Simon has also been going through many changes. leaving his old life behind and creating a new one. I think he’s doing marvelously well and show Simon is so much better

69. Jace and clary are still insufferable but not as bad as book CLACE. oh and “valentine” is there at the end of this episode and basically taunts jace and clary in almost handing over the cup- just like Alec predicted 😬

70. I’ve already touched on magnus. he’s caring, supportive, opening his heart to a new love even if that love is tricky. warlock, fortune teller, spell enthusiast, PLUS LAWYER. I’d have him represent me ✨ I have so much love for show Alec and Magnus and I have already bothered so much of y’all about that. Matt and Harry made sure show Malec mattered and didn’t take a backseat like they did in the books

okay so 70 was the number today. I originally thought there was 5 parts but forgot the trial doesn’t take place until next episode. thank you for joining we love AU magnus and Alec and ugh more CLACE scenes WHY debate and discussion ✨ stick around for next episode aka malecs first fight lmao

and also thank you anyway who reads my content, much love to ya (THESE GIFS ARE NECESSARY)

[ladyantiheroine]

Hey bestie, I hope you're doing good. I'm back with another question about twau if you don't mind answering. I know that we basically went over this already, but which version of the Bigby and Snow's relationship do you find to be better between twau and fables? How would you improve on the other? Also, how you foresee Bigby and Snow getting together in twau compared to fables? Thank you.

Hello bestie! I’m doing good and I hope you are too!

And yes, I’m happy to answer because I’m happy to talk about this franchise!

So like I’ve said before, I still haven’t read all the comics (I’ve been meaning to, I’ve just been busy and I’m easily distracted lol). So this is based on imperfect info as I’ve only read up to issue #50-ish.

Short Answer: Bigby and Snow have a better romance in the Telltale game than in the comics. The chemistry is better, their characters are better fleshed out, and there's more emotional vulnerability between the two.

Long Answer:

Comics Spoilers Below

It’s pretty obvious based on my other posts, but I prefer TWAU over Fables overall. For a lot of reasons, one being that Telltale does the Snowby romance far more justice than in the comics.

A part of all this has to do with the fact that Fables and TWAU tell very different kinds of stories with the same characters and premise. Fables is an epic war story, with a bigger scope and a wider cast of characters. TWAU is a detective noir story, with a scope limited to Fabletown. This means TWAU has more time and space to explore the characters' interpersonal relationships as opposed to the wider Fables politics. It partially explains why Snowby feels more developed in the game, because the game has the scale and focus to do so.

There’s also the fact that…Bill Willingham just isn’t very good at writing romance. Like I mentioned in my post about Snow White, he's not very interested in the characters' internal lives. He also seems to have a conservative man's idea of women and male/female relationships (ex. strong women are bossy bitches, wives are nagging shrews, etc.). He writes scenes that are romantic in a vacuum but with little evidence beforehand that these characters even care for each other. Because he only seems to care about the character relationships on a surface level.

Telltale, on the other hand, cares about the characters on an emotional and psychological level. We see the personal toll on Bigby as he struggles to protect a community that doesn't trust him. We see Snow's strict, business-like front slip and how rightfully scared she is. We see them work together. We see them banter and laugh and make each other smile. We see them be open and vulnerable with each other. We see them bicker and fight and then make up. That's how you write a relationship people can get invested in.

Meanwhile, in the comics, I don't know if Bigby and Snow even like each other. He's outright mean and threatening to her at times, and she's spent centuries turning him down over and over. Sure, they work together and he saved her from the Adversary that one time, but so what? They hardly seem to get along, and not even in an "enemies to lovers" kind of way. When they do act romantic towards it each other, it feels forced because there was no groundwork laid out before then. Willingham wants these two together, so he smashes them together despite them having little reason to even like each other.

~

As for how I'd improve it (based on what I've seen from the first 50 issues), it's funny you ask that because I had an idea for a rewrite a long while ago. It has to do with the airport scene in volume three after Bigby and Snow escape the woods after killing Goldilocks. (I'm assuming you've read at least the first three volumes. If not, this might not make sense, sorry)

Basically, as they're leaving, Snow tells Bigby she might be interested in going on a date with him. Now, Bigby has not told Snow that they had sex in the tent yet. He knows they did because he could smell it with his super scent. His reason was that it would have upset her and they had bigger fish to fry at that moment (being hunted by Goldilocks). But at this moment, in the airport, they are safe. Bigby could have told her what happened and he didn't. It's not until later when Snow discovers that she's pregnant that she connects the dots and gets rightfully pissed at him for not telling her.

I think about this moment a lot because it had so much potential both to further their romance and Bigby's character.

See, Bigby's whole thing is that he's a "reformed Big Bad Wolf." He's struggling between the violent, selfish person he used to be and the more peaceful person he's trying to be (you see this more clearly in the game with all the choices you're given where you can be an asshole or more cooperative).

This scene, where Snow is warming up to him but still doesn't know they had sex, is a chance for Bigby to choose to be a better man. If he told Snow that they did have sex, and that he lied about it, it could push her away (remember, he’s been failing to get with her for years at this point). However, being honest with her would be the right thing to do.

(I’m not sure why Bigby doesn’t tell her the truth at this point. I don’t know why it takes Snow busting the doctor to find out. I mean, they likely didn’t have protection, so what did he expect to happen?).

If I were writing this scene, I would have Bigby tell her the truth right at that moment, right when she’s warming up to him. From his perspective, he could keep his mouth shut and finally get a chance to date Snow. But instead, as part of his mission to “reform” himself, he chooses the selfless option. He tells Snow the truth about what happened in the woods even if it means pushing her away right when she’s giving him a chance. He sacrifices his own desires in favor of being honest with her.

Not only would this be an interesting character beat for Bigby, but it could help develop their romance better. Obviously, Snow will still be upset that he lied and they that did have sex under the spell. But she’d probably appreciate his uncharacteristic honesty. And it means she won’t feel as betrayed by him when she finds out she’s pregnant. It opens up a chance for them to face this problem together.

And one other thing. I mentioned this in a response to someone’s else comment, but there’s a scene where Bigby tells Snow they “need to talk” about their upcoming kids, but Snow is busy so she tells him they’ll talk about it later. We never see this “talk about it later” scene. The Battle of Fabletown happens, we see them on a park bench, and Snow says her water is breaking. That’s it

This is my biggest gripe with the comics’ romance in general. It feels like there are scenes missing. Scenes of Bigby and Snow actually talking to each other and working out things. Why didn’t Bigby just tell Snow the truth about what happened in the woods? Why didn’t we get a scene of them deciding what to do once Snow gets pregnant? Willingham doesn’t seem to care, which is weird given how much attention Bigby and Snow’s relationship is given in the overall story.

I understand that Fables has a bigger story to tell and the Snowby romance isn’t the main point. And I also know that Fables is set in a world where traditional, fairytale happily-ever-afters are not the norm. But if you’re going to write a love story, one that we as the readers are invested in, you need to give us more than that. We need more than just him saving her life a few times.

Basically, overall, I would improve the comics romance by just having Bigby and Snow talk to each other more. I would write more scenes of them communicating instead of skipping ahead like Willingham does. I would also show more scenes of compromise between the two. Bigby choosing to be less of an asshole, Snow softening her demeanor a bit, etc. More scenes of them being vulnerable with each other. And like the game, more scenes of them working together as a team because that's what made their game relationship so good to me.

~

As for how they get together later in TWAU? That's a very good question. The answer is, I'm not sure. It depends on what happens in season two and what direction they take the characters.

Bigby and Snow don't get together in season one because it's meant to be a canon prequel to the comics, and they aren't together at the start of the comics. If they're committing to the games being canon to the comics, then they probably won't end up together.

However, if they decide to divert from the comics (my preferred option), then that opens the doors for more. We still don’t know much about the game’s plot at this point beyond Bigby being suspended from the force, a new case coming up, Bigby in anger management therapy, and the Wizard of Oz characters showing up.

It’s going to be very interesting with Snow suspending Bigby from the force and making him go to therapy. Snow has always had a problem with Bigby’s more violent side, and his inability (or unwillingness) to control it at times. It’s a core part of their dynamic: she’s law and order while he’s violence and chaos. Snow using her new authority as mayor to force him to get his shit together could lead to some interesting internal tension.

However. We also get this voice-over in the teaser trailer from Snow:

“There was a time when you were heartless. Brutal. A monster. And I’m proud of you for changing all that. But I’m here to ask you to be those things once more. For them. For me. Can I count on you? Bigby, can I count on you?”

This is very interesting to me. Snow, who has always been weary of Bigby’s monstrous side, is now asking him to come back after suspension and embrace that side of himself again. This tells me that Snow might be slightly more lenient on his Big Bad Wolf approach than in season one. And this tolerance could open the door for their relationship to develop, as her repulsion won’t be such a dealbreaker anymore. I like to imagine after Bigby's suspension, the two would grow to miss each other and be glad to be working together again "just like old times." But that's just me.

Also, after she asks Bigby if she can count on him, he answers, “Always.” This could just mean he’ll always be there to protect Fabletown. But given the emphasis in the voice over that this is for her as much as the town, I think there’s a romantic undertone to that to. He’ll always be there for her. Maybe that’s a sign that their romantic potential isn’t over?

I don’t know. I’m just speculating and there’s a lot we still don’t know about the game. And of course, with any Telltale game, the player’s choices will affect things as well. Even if we do get an option to romance Snow, not every player will take it.

If I were the writer for Telltale, I would throw out continuity with the comics entirely and let the games be their own thing. Lots of fans have expressed disappointment on how the comics compare to the game so I don’t think there would be too much pushback. I know Telltale is capable of writing a great, convincing romance (Hello, Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle) and I would love to see Bigby and Snow get the same treatment. It excites me to think what a Telltale Snowby romance would look like.

~

So yeah, in conclusion: I’ll always be impressed by how Telltale managed to write a more organic romance than Willingham despite the games having fewer explicitly romantic scenes. It speaks to just how awesome Telltale is at character writing. I didn’t feel much when Snowby kissed in the comics. I didn’t get butterflies in my stomach reading about their wedding.

But in the games, when Snow told Bigby that it scared the hell out of her when she thought she lost him? When Bigby told Snow that he’d never leave her? This one, small, intimate moment and the only explicitly romantic one between them in the whole game?

I was jumping up and down, screaming at them to kiss already.

And that’s just not a reaction Willingham has ever gotten out of me. Fables!Bigby can make as many poetic declarations of love he wants, but it will never hold a candle to “Snow, I would never leave you.”

Anyway, there’s another overly-long ramble for you. I could say a bunch more but this is long enough. I don't know if this all makes sense but I hope it answers your questions. :)

[someseriousthot]

Madoka Magica: Rebellion - A Soapbox

Madoka Magica: Rebellion has to be THE most watched movie I’ve ever seen. I’ve watched it at least 30+ times by this point over the past 6 years, and I’m still noticing some little things here and there the animators included in the movie that I didn’t see on a previous viewing.

But for all of my viewings, whenever I see people commenting on why the movie sucked, why the anime sucked, why the anime’s ending sucked, why the movie’s ending sucked, or why all of them were good, I’ve yet to see someone with this take, and I feel like as a result a lot of folks are missing an extremely important Thing™ that directly lead into the ending of the anime and the reason why the Rebellion story turned out the way it did.

This is going to be filled to the BRIM with spoilers for the movie and the 12-episode series, so if you haven’t watched it I highly highly recommend you do, even if you found the ending of the anime dissatisfying. I was one of those people (the ending felt like it fell super flat for me, and I heard at the time it split the fandom 50/50) and I was so glad I watched it, it’s one of my favorite pieces of cinema ever and I recommend it to everyone I talk to when I mention Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

(I watched a vid about a guy’s blind reaction to the movie and it was hilarious but the comments had me FUMING because I kept seeing the SAME takes over and over and I GET! Where they’re coming from with their theories! But at the same time I feel like it’s missing a HUGE, VERY ESSENTIAL PIECE THAT WAS IN THE ANIME! Hence the soapbox moment)

TL;DR at the very, very bottom

A quick refresher on what happened at the end of the series:

- It’s revealed that because Homura kept rewinding time, a bunch of threads of Fate have tied themselves to Madoka as a result, and because of this, every time Madoka makes a contract, she becomes the world’s most powerful Magical Girl before turning into the world’s most evil Witch.

- Homura has created a noose for herself with those very same threads of Fate, because if she fails to save Madoka she’ll either reset the timeline again or turn into a Witch herself.

- Madoka uses her wish to become a “concept” that purifies Magical Girls before they can become Witches, ascending to a higher existence and essentially becoming a God as a result, disappearing from the world and everyone’s memories save for Homura.

- Homura decides to carry on for Madoka’s sake, trying to protect the world that she sacrificed herself for in honor of her memory, but at the very last second we see a strange scene in the final episode post-credits...?

Sound familiar? Familiar enough? Good. Now, before I go into what happened in Rebellion, I want to tackle an elephant in the room that’s going to be extremely important for what takes place in Madoka Magica: Rebellion, as it’s this Very Important Thing™ that serves as the catalyst for the entire movie.

Point 1: What was that ending?? (aka The Final Timeline)

A lot of folks were really dissatisfied with Madoka essentially disappearing from reality/becoming a God because it felt like it came WAY out of left field. Why didn’t Homura just reset again? Why did Madoka have to disappear like that? Why didn’t she just wish that magical girls weren’t a thing, or that the Incubators never came to Earth?

If you remember the anime, then you know that:

- Resetting the timeline again would have just added more Fate to Madoka, which would have exacerbated the problem without solving it (which is why Homura began to despair when she realized she couldn’t stop the cycle she was currently trapped in).

- Because of the nature of Madoka’s wish, she couldn’t do that just as a normal Magical Girl; she had to be able to reach every Magical Girl that was falling into despair and risking the destruction of their Soul Gem (and becoming a Witch). Unfeasible for a measly human body, or even the body of a single Magical Girl.

- During her discussions with Kyubey, it specifically says that Magical Girls were the sparking factor for a lot of humanity’s development and creating the society that Madoka lives in today. If the Incubators never came to Earth, then we would all still be naked living in caves.

NOW: Up until this point, the timeline has been playing out like every other that Homura has lived through thus far. The month starts over, she goes back to school and meets Madoka for the “first time”, she tries to warn her not to make a contract with a creature promising a miracle in exchange, she starts preparing for Walpurgisnacht while trying to keep an eye on her. If she can’t beat Walpurgisnacht, or she fails in keeping Madoka from making a contract with Kyubey, she resets the timeline.

And things play out normally! She was hoping to prevent Sayaka from making a contract with Kyubey, considering she knows what’s going to eventually happen to her, and Madoka losing her closest friend (that she knows of) at the time is tragic, but that’s not Homura’s priority. Losing Kyoko was tragic (especially since she was trying to save Sayaka somehow), but that was another calculated loss. She manages to prevent Madoka from making a contract with Kyubey (with a couple extremely close calls) until the end of the month, and then it’s the showdown with Walpurgisnacht, and past experiences have her pulling out all the stops to finally defeat her this time.

Unbeknownst to her, Kyubey has been having these little meetings with Madoka, where he reveals that she has an insane amount of Fate attached to her, despite her being just a normal school girl. In their next meeting he tells her that once she makes the contract, she’ll be the most powerful Magical Girl ever, before becoming the most powerful Witch ever. And in a later meeting, he reveals the reasons why Magical Girls fall into despair (with disturbing visuals), the reasons why Incubators came to Earth, and the purpose of Magical Girls dying to release energy into the universe. It’s also because of these meetings that Madoka decides to use her wish to help save Magical Girls before they become Witches, so their wishes (and their hopes and dreams) wouldn’t have been in vain.

So, right when Homura is about to succumb to despair and turn into a Witch, Madoka intervenes and promises her that all of her sacrifices, all of those timelines she spent trying to protect her, won’t be in vain, and she makes her wish and disappears forever.

Sound familiar? Frustratingly familiar? Good, because there’s something I want you to think about before we proceed to the movie:

At what point did Homura find out about these little meetings between Kyubey and Madoka?

She’s been way too focused on preparing for Walpurgisnacht to know about their little clandestine meetings. Not to mention that this is the first and only timeline that these discussions even happen. Kyubey even comments on this in the first couple episodes, that he’s never encountered a Magical Girl with so much potential before. He’s twigged onto it early on, and that rouses his suspicions, even moreso every time Homura kills him or interrupts before Madoka can make a contract with him, and it comes to a head when he finds out about her time magic. (Remember, Homura is NOT from this timeline, and so Kyubey doesn’t remember ever making a contract with her.)

Kyubey has never revealed the secret about Magical Girls to Madoka in any other timeline. In fact it’s because of Mami’s (unintentional) death that spurs Sayaka into making a contract with him (despite Mami’s trying to warn her not to), then Madoka throwing away her Soul Gem that it eventually comes to light, and it’s following Sayaka's (and Kyoko’s) death that he reveals the rest of it. Things never played out like this in previous timelines either.

Now, onto the movie, but keep this plot point in mind. This is going to be really important later.

Point Two: The Flower Field Scene (aka The Turning Point)

Midway through the movie, we get to the infamous flower field scene between Homura and Madoka. Homura’s already realized something weird is going on and has been trying to figure out who’s created the labyrinth they’re all trapped in, and now that she and Madoka have time alone she’s able to come clean about a lot of stuff that’s been weighing on her in the past three years. Namely her “bad dream” that Madoka disappeared and she was the only person that remembered her, that she began doubting her memories and thought she was someone she just made up, etc.

Madoka then tells her that she would never go somewhere so far away that she couldn’t see any of them again.

“I would never want to go somewhere I could never see anyone again. Even if there were no other choice, I know I’d never have the courage to do something like that.”

And Homura has a horrible moment of realization.

“Right...that’s right.”

Those are your honest feelings. And yet, I...how could I have made such a stupid mistake?

I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen. That no matter what I would’ve had to do, I should have stopped you back then.

This scene comes back to haunt her later in the movie, as well as DIRECTLY influencing her actions all the way up to the ending. However, I feel like a lot of misinformation has been happening that’s colored the reason why the movie went the direction it did.

A lot of people think that Homura realized that Madoka essentially martyred herself to save all Magical Girls from despair, feeling that she was forced into that decision on behalf of others. But we know that’s not the case, she entered into that contract willingly and was content with her fate, even if it meant everyone would forget her. Even her own family.

That Madoka seemed like she was happy doing this, but with what Madoka’s saying she thinks those are her “honest feelings” and that she should have stopped her from going through with it. That Madoka’s ultimate fate was her fault instead of a conscious decision Madoka made on her own.

Homura then spends the rest of the movie angry with herself for allowing it to happen and then trying to figure out how to reverse it.

Point Three: God and Demon (aka What was that ending?? 2: Electric Boogaloo)

Homura’s turning into a Demon in the end of the movie and splitting the mortal girl Madoka from the Law of the Cycle seems to be a really big point of contention for fans as to the reason why she did that. From the comments I’ve seen:

- Some folks think that Homura “knew” she was going to turn into a Demon if Madoka and the others saved her while in the labyrinth, and was wanting to destroy herself before that happened

- Some folks think that Homura was dishonoring Madoka’s wish by separating her, exercising her will over Madoka’s, which is completely unfair and disrespectful to what Madoka wanted

- Some folks think that Homura was planning on separating the mortal version of herself from the Law of the Cycle the whole time, or at LEAST after Kyubey revealed the truth about the Isolation Field and the experiment

- Some folks thinks it was because Homura missed/loved (or was obsessed with) Madoka so much she couldn’t bear to be apart from her any longer and that’s why she tore a piece of her away (to “keep”, as evidenced by the spool of pink thread - the records of Madoka before she ceased to exist - literally becoming the basis for Homura’s new Soul Gem)

But overall a lot of folks were probably confused (and rightly shocked) at the events that took place at the end of the movie, and were trying to figure out the justification behind it.

Now, I’ll ask you again: At what point did Homura find out about these little meetings between Kyubey and Madoka?

The answer: She never did. Therefore she is missing a very massive and crucial piece of context for the decisions Madoka made.

Remember, these discussions never happened in any other timeline. Homura found out the truth about Soul Gems and Witches long before anyone else did, but with the reactions they garnered in previous timelines she felt no reason to try to hammer it home with folks because they’d either be in denial or snap.

Another thing: Kyubey and Sayaka both said mentioned alterations with Madoka’s memories - Kyubey with wiping (or supposedly wiping) the memories of everyone that came into Homura’s labyrinth, and Sayaka saying that she and Bebe were “holding onto them” while the Incubators were focused on her so they could move about freely under their noses without their realizing.

Neither of them could have realized the ramifications this would cause with the famous flower field scene between Homura and Madoka, because not only does Homura not know that Madoka knew this whole time about what was happening and why, but that she thinks what Madoka’s saying (about never wanting to go somewhere she couldn’t see everyone again, that she’d never have the courage to do something like that, that she wouldn’t want to do that even if there were no other choice) are her honest feelings. And Madoka has none of her memories that helped her make that decision to do all those things. Homura takes her at her word because she has absolutely no evidence to the contrary.

So when she’s presented a chance at the end of the movie to undo that decision? To undo the damage done to Madoka and to give her that second chance of living a “normal” life that Madoka herself said she wanted?

It was inevitable. I couldn’t see the movie ending any other way, and I’ll explain why.

Point Four: Breaking down the arguments (aka that Pepe Silvia conspiracy meme from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

1. The idea that Homura “knew” she was going to turn into a Demon if Madoka and the others saved her/was planning on turning into a Demon (somehow) the whole time

I don’t think this was the case at all. Homura was pretty damned determined to die during that whole fight scene. In her Despair Zone™ she was even about to put a bullet in her skull to kill herself before Madoka reached her, since her plan for the others to kill her fell through. She was so intent on it because she wanted to prevent the Incubators from reaching Madoka through her, which would have rendered everything the two of them went through for nothing.

If anything, being forced to relive Madoka’s deaths over and over in her own private Despair Zone™, AND Madoka coming to save her herself, is what probably influenced that part, which I will get into.

2. The idea that Homura purposefully, intentionally went against Madoka’s wish

Again, Homura was missing several very big and extremely important pieces of context that lead to what happened. Would she have still made that decision knowing? Who knows.

3. The idea that Homura was obsessed/”loved” Madoka so much that she undermined her wish

This might have some part in what happened, but I don’t think it’s the biggest player in this.

Again, it’s been three whole years since Madoka disappeared and Homura was left with only memories of her and the timelines she went through. During the flower field scene, she said she was starting to doubt her own mind, wondering if she had made all of it up. Then during the final battle, Homura was stuck reliving all the times she failed to save/protect Madoka over and over. Reminding her of the pain and sorrow she went through trying to change her fate. That those emotions were real, that those things happened, that she went through hell and back for her.

That whole thing with Homura saying she just wanted to see Madoka one more time? Betraying her “wish” (Madoka warned her not to be alone/go anywhere by herself, and if you remember the post-credits scene from the anime, that was PROBABLY how the Incubators got ahold of her), not caring what she would become as a result (which I think she meant turning into a Witch, NOT a Demon, or at least not yet) as long as Madoka was at her side?

And then the two of them team up, bolstered by the innate power Madoka has as the Law of the Cycle to destroy the Incubator’s trap and free her? Showing Homura that there was a way the two of them could be together without risking Madoka’s secret?

Homura saw a chance to fix her “mistake.”

She wasn’t scared, after becoming a witch she accepted whatever was going to happen to her.

And she wasn’t going to hesitate anymore.

NOT TO MENTION what do you guys think would have happened had Homura not done that?

What if Homura had allowed Madoka to whisk her away, joining the Law of the Cycle?

What if she hadn’t turned into a Demon and imprisoned the Incubators, using them to hold all the curses of humanity?

The reason this happened at all was because, right before the end credits, Homura was telling Kyubey about what happened in previous timelines. The Incubators had three years to plan this for when Homura was ready to be taken by The Cycle. (A fact that Homura is deeply frustrated with during the whole reveal scene when Kyubey starts monologuing)

What would have stopped the Incubators from doing this with another Magical Girl? Now knowing that the Law of the Cycle is more than one entity/aspect, what’s to stop them from trying to create another, more cunning trap for next time? Chipping away at the Law of the Cycle’s power a little at a time until they do eventually completely conquer it? How many Magical Girls would be sacrificed to this end? They created the Isolation Field for Homura, they could probably come up with something smarter for next time. And if it were any other Magical Girl do you really think they’d have the willpower she had not to call upon Madoka to save her?

Homura saw what she thought was a happy ending and, if fate wasn’t going to give it to her, she was going to bend reality and force it.

This also sets up the scene for the fourth movie because: 1) Homura can't sustain this reality forever. Once all the Curses are gone, or if she decides to destroy this universe, there's probably going to be a final battle somewhere, which will involve all of the other Magical Girls and their ultimate fate, especially since Sayaka alone remembers the truth (and Madoka was so close to remembering as well). 2) With the Incubators otherwise out of commission, this also means that there's going to probably be a finite number of Magical Girls now. With no Incubators there to grant wishes, for all the girls that fall into despair, that means others won't be there to take their place. Does that mean Madoka's Godhood (and therefore Homura's Demonhood) will become finite? Will the curses of humanity begin to overrun reality? Will reality reset itself and all the magical girls up to this point will have history rewritten to where their contracts, and therefore their adventures as magical girls, never happen?

Thanks for letting me get on my soapbox for a bit. If you have a chance to see the movie, I highly recommend it if for the fight scenes if not the story. The soundtrack is super nice too.

TL;DR: Homura didn’t know Madoka was told The Secret about Magical Girls and Witches™ by Kyubey in the timeline during the anime, so during the flower field scene she thought Madoka’s words were her honest feelings (when they weren’t). Then when being stuck in her own head after turning into a Witch she was forced to relive all of Madoka’s deaths over countless timelines over and over, which also served as a reminder why she went through all those timelines (because she loved Madoka) which is why she turned into a Demon in the end and forced a “happy ending”, not out of obsession or to ruin Madoka’s wish but because that’s what she thought she wanted.

[nothingunrealistic]

a rundown of all the shots from billions season 7 trailers that we haven’t yet seen (as far as i recall) in any episode, as of 7x11

Billions Season 7 Official Trailer

at 1:44, a shot of wendy and luke together in some outdoor location. my assumptions of wukey concretely Happening this season have largely hinged on this shot. this looks more like they’re dressed for winter weather, which we’re now getting out of as the action moves into late march / early april, so i wonder whether this was cut from an earlier episode rather than being saved for the finale.

Damian Lewis & Paul Giamatti on Reuniting for Season 7

at 0:16, chuck and axe together at prince capital, with axe wearing a metallica t-shirt. (though in this particular shot, damian at least does not appear to be in character as axe.) in 7x11, axe says regarding the axe global office that “It’ll do for now. Still have my eye on a different space for the long haul.” i think that different space may be mpc, axe’s once and future kingdom.

at 0:27, axe in a chair at axe global, again in that metallica t-shirt.

at 0:49, more of chuck and axe at prince cap, in character this time.

at 0:52, chuck and axe at prince cap again, with axe saying to chuck, “Don’t fool yourself. I’m not the same guy I was when we first met.”

Billions Season 7 Mid Season Trailer

at 0:17, taylor sitting at their axe global desk. they’re wearing the same outfit here as in the one shot of them in the 7x12 trailer.

in the elevator at axe global, presumably.

back to the mid season trailer: at 0:18, prince riding in a car. i’d guess this is the same car trip we see in the 7x12 trailer, presumably taking him to camp david.

same shirt, same american flag pin.

back to the mid season trailer: at 0:21, wendy, taylor, and axe walking out of an office at axe global, with axe leading the way and wendy stopping taylor from following him right out. taylor’s in that same outfit as before, and axe is in the metallica t-shirt.

at 0:24, prince angrily putting on his jacket, which bears an american flag pin. i think he’s wearing a different shirt than during the car ride, but the lighting makes it hard to be certain.

at 0:48, dollar bill & victor hugging, while ben kim & tuk hug behind them and philip & wags watch, all at prince cap. sure seems like what might happen if axe returned and reclaimed the place and brought wags and ben and tuk with him. and philip looks happy about all this!

at 0:48-0:49, axe and wendy in prince’s (possibly now axe’s again) office, as wendy steps toward axe. if the writers put this *and* that scene of wendy and luke in the finale things are gonna get real heated among certain segments of the viewership.

bonus: at 0:49-0:50, prince throwing the printer through wendy’s office wall. which we have seen before, but that last shot is a new angle, *and* we can see that 1) he’s in the same shirt as in that earlier shot of him putting on a jacket 2) he’s Not wearing a jacket here 3) both points also apply to two other shots of him from the 7x12 trailer

this shot where he’s in the car again and looking very unhappy.

and this shot where he’s storming out of the elevator, about to ask where wendy is, and carrying his jacket.

[my-current-obsession]

I recently decided to give Psychedelica of the Black Butterfly a try. As I generally do when I get into something, I binged it. Now I’m about halfway through overall (as in I’ve seen roughly 50% of EVERYTHING - scenes and short stories in general, and endings). Here are a few misc. thoughts. Beware spoilers if you haven’t played or finished the game yourself!

Despite technically being an otome, this game is definitely a plot first, romance second title. To the point that on a first run the game is on rails towards what it calls the “best ending” and your choices actually DON’T matter, apart from a one-off choice that leads to an immediate bad ending. Kagiha’s ending MIGHT be an exception - according to a guide it SHOULD be possible immediately, but every other ending requires seeing a DIFFERENT ending that you can’t get until AFTER getting the “best ending” So at minimum for most routes you have to have seen at least two plot-related endings first.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing and I DO really like the actual story and how everything comes together. That said the actual “romance” routes are INCREDIBLY short which is a tad disappointing. If you include the short stories locked to each character (which are necessary for getting their endings) they’re probably like 2 hours long max. That’s not a ton of time to develop the relationship between the guy and MC and resolve it happily. The game mostly gets by on having every guy (except maybe Hikage, who is an outlier for several reasons) established in the story as having feelings for Ai/Beniyuri, which at least makes the potential for a relationship obvious. I still would have liked more buildup for each relationship though.

Something neat this game has done though is separating some of the characters into two distinct “routes” based on their fantasy mansion versions and reality after the good ending. There is a tragic Yamato ending and a very sweet and happy Takuya ending, and it definitely seems that same distinction will be made for Karasuba/Aki and Monshiro/Kazuya.

For most of the game I was not a big fan of Karasuba (for two main reasons - one, he is WAY too flirty/forward, and two he is just kind of an asshole), but he has grown on me a little thanks to the ending and “real world” segments. I appreciate that he was trying to get Ai to face the past and move on... although his reason for doing so wasn’t exactly heroic. Not sure how to describe it beyond saying it’s the opposite of the “cool motive, still murder” meme. What he was actually doing/saying was RIGHT and it is healthier for Ai to confront her trauma and move on, but he was only so insistent on it because she was using her lingering feelings for Natsuki as a shield to keep from acknowledging him (or any other potential romantic partner).

The way he and Yamato/Takuya represented two exactly different sides of the issue - one saying to face it and move on, the other just as stuck in the past and steeped in guilt as Ai - was done really well IMO. I haven’t actually seen any romance route other than Yamato/Takuya yet, but at least in his case I really love how they essentially are drawn together because of that shared trauma/inability to move on, and depending on which ending you get either they help lift the other up or outright drag the other down with them. I’m planning on doing Karasuba/Aki next because I want to see how his route expands on his desire to see Ai move forward, presumably in good AND bad ways.

Hikage (and Usagi, who seems to be connected to him) is the only lingering mystery in the story. After The Reveal I like him a little less as a character but I’m WAY more intrigued about his route. I need to know why he is the way he is and what exactly he was trying to accomplish, since the best ending left that a mystery. My only concern is that since his route will ALSO have an entirely separate plot, he’ll be even more sparse on romance compared to the others. We’ll see.

The shooting minigame is superfluous and only exists to give you an in-game currency to spend on unlocking short stories. IMO they should have made short stories only unlockable after making certain choices and/or seeing specific scenes (which is how some of them unlock anyway...). That would also serve the purpose of making the short stories feel a bit more connected to the story proper instead of existing separately in a nebulous time period during the plot.

Overall I’m really enjoying this game although I maintain that it doesn’t balance plot and romance well. If you want a game that is more about the romance/relationship, probably skip this. If you want a plot-focused game with romance as the secondary goal... play Even if Tempest. Or play Collar x Malice or Taisho x Alice for peak stories with a good balance of romance/plot. If you want more after playing THOSE gems... then I’d recommend this!

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2007 Last night I dreamt I was living in California and working as a part-time extra in movies or shows. Now that sounds like it ought to be a fun job! I’m not a fan of anybody’s these days and I haven’t been since Charlie’s Angels, but it would be neat to get behind the scenes to see what it’s like. One of the good things about being an extra is that they don’t fire you if you can’t make it to a particular shooting, they just pull the next name on the list. I thought it might be nice to look for ads in the Sacramento area, but since when has God ever let me do what I want to do?

I was an alternate winner at the Incense Rack this month. The 3rd prize winner didn’t respond in time, said the stickman, who’s currently down in Florida and doesn’t plan to return till around the 9th. They probably felt that paying $5 to ship 50 sticks of incense wasn’t worth it, but I’d like to have some of my old favorites like Angel, Bump & Grind and Hugo Boss. Hopefully, he won’t be out of stock on these, but I gave him Cotton Candy, Chocolate and Black Henry to use as backups just in case.

The last of my Silk Splash order – I hope it’s the last of it – is on its way via UPS. Guess they’re really starting to try to save money! This won’t be here till the 5th, but the big Nikita doll should be here in two days. So there are to be 6 more packages in this damn state, excluding surprise wins. Two more incense packages, two more dolls, that thing to debark dogs which will hopefully be effective in California (although if we’re in an apt. dogs shouldn’t be an issue unless the building’s up against the yard of a house), and Claritin. Yes, I was pleased to discover that drugstore.com will deliver to Oregon! Since the government likes to tell people what they can and cannot put in their bodies, I did some research and found that we could order it from them. It’s actually the Claritin-D I’m after. I’m 134 pounds so this should snuff my appetite enough to let me get some of this bulk off. I’ll put it right back on, but it’ll be nice to have even a temporary break. I’m still not ready to just give up rocking and let myself go.

I’m trying a new experiment which seems to be working well so far. Since oil burners give off too much smoke and warmers are a pain because you’ve got to remember to keep the water level up, I’ve taken a warmer for a Glade-scented cartridge and shoved a cotton ball in it that I doused with watermelon oil. I plugged it in in the living room since I’m burning incense in the bedroom. It’ll be interesting to see if it works well with a milder scent that’s not concentrated and to see how long it lasts. This would be an awesome way to scent the rooms if this works!

Here goes Kim getting ready to head out to work. Sounds like she’s scraping ice off her car. At least she’s not playing music. In fact, I haven’t heard her music in a while.

We’ve canceled our DVD subscription to save a little extra money.

I just want to get the hell out of here! I’m so excited to move on and get where it’s warmer, but I dread having to experience the poverty and the chaos all over again, and I’m sick to death of starting over! Always, always starting over. But it’s so in our cards and it’s never going to change, so I may as well accept it. Meanwhile, my surprisingly naïve husband still thinks we’re going to get rich. If so, where’s the money? I still haven’t seen any yet.

I thought of another thing that’s going to suck about going back to apartments. They don’t have “apartment buildings” in the west, they’re all complexes here, and there’s always something going on. Landscaping, roofing, painting. They’re noisy even when the neighbors aren’t.

Tom’s so fed up at work that he’s getting ready to quit. Last week they used him for free overtime. Because it was a holiday week, they were able to work him overtime without having to pay him extra. It’s like he was back at BOA, working overtime for free!

Later…

I wish I didn’t have so many worries clouding my excitement of moving to California, but I just know God’s going to take the opportunity once we’re vulnerable to really fuck us over good. I am not looking forward to being jobless and homeless again! But we both agree we don’t want to stay here either. I couldn’t resent God anymore if I tried for allowing others to live so well while we struggle most of our lives to live like bums. What did we do to be less deserving? I commented to Tom how I wished we could stay at the same place for as long as Miss Perfect and the queen have been at their places, and he said that he’s not sure about Miss Perfect, but the queen hated her old house from day one, and that she chose to settle for being miserable in order to have the stability and security I wish we had.

It’s rather sad to know that our only choices in life are to keep hopelessly struggling to live where we want to live which certainly isn’t meant to be or to just learn to be “comfortably miserable.” But these are our only choices. Therefore, since we have virtually no chance of losing a place the more we hate it, I’m going to let God demote us in life and kick us back into the past for the millionth time by having our only choice be to live with others again. But this time, once we’re in an apartment, we’re going to stay there even if by some chance we do one day have money again where we could rent a house. If God wants me to be miserable and if my life can’t be mine, fine, I’ll just stay cooped up in an apartment and listen to the stomping, banging and music around me, on top of the screaming, the landscaping, and all the projects going on within the complex. I’ll let them wake me up and I’ll deal with them banging on the door, but in the end, I’ll know one thing – we couldn’t end up homeless and starving this way! An apartment is our only hope of security since we can’t own anything. So while we may never be free of mortgage payments, at least we won’t have to worry about losing a wild apartment.

Speaking of starving, I’m tempted to forget about ordering the Claritin. I think that maybe if I’m going to try to adapt to living in cheap rowdy apartments, I should also stop trying to stop gaining weight. Just when I think my metabolism can’t get any slower, it does. I haven’t been going crazy for a couple of weeks, I’ve been exercising, yet I’m still climbing. Slowly, but surely. I’m 135, and again I have to ask myself if losing weight is worth it if it’s just going to come right back. I still may get the Claritin, though, to help when the money runs out and we can’t afford to eat. I still say they’re going to start him at $7 or $8, but Mr. Naïvely Optimistic here thinks they’ll start him at around $10.

I may not even go to the dentist when and if that’s possible. Part of learning to live poorly means I shouldn’t be taking advantage of things like that.

If only I were deaf! That would be half the battle right there. I could be a city girl in the dumpiest of apartments forever, though I would still feel the vibrations of doors slamming and shit like that. Oh well. If there’s any good to people being the selfish, disrespectful, loud, rude assholes they are it’s that I don’t have to worry about being quiet for people who have no concept of the word in the first place. I simply couldn’t respect those who didn’t respect me, though I’d have to be quiet when Tom was asleep.

It just really depresses me to know that the rest of my life is basically going to be one big settlement just like it always has. I try not to think about it. If I do, I may end up bawling my eyes out and that’s what God wants; to see me hurting. Well, I’m not about to give the bastard the satisfaction of seeing me break down in tears! I know what’s coming to us, there’s nothing we can do about it, so we may as well accept it.

Strange how it’s so easy to get into places we hate, but virtually impossible to get into places we want to be in. Shoot someone on the street and you’re in jail in an instant. But try to get back into a modest house on some acreage, and you’re asking for a miracle!

Saying that I’m not going to let the freeloaders scare me from speaking my mind may be easier said than done. When I remember how Andrea at the Vista reacted to the complaint about her 16 wild siblings, and how it only made her go from bad to worse, I wonder if perhaps we should just sit back and take whatever shit people dish at us. People are just too damn sensitive, immature and such sore losers.

Even if they did have stereo ordinances, what good would they do? You can’t complain about the ones that drive by every few minutes, just the ones sitting around, and those are the types of people who are bound to react the worst. Those are some of the most defiant little fucks on earth. The only way to curb the stereo problem would be to stop selling the damn things in the first place and make them illegal to own, but in our twisted and totally backward society, that’ll never happen.

In better news, I got the Nikita doll. Although she’s a little anorexic, she’s beautiful. She and the mannequins will be the first to go too, once we’re forced to sell things thanks to the “friends and family” God’s blessed us with. For now, I’m going to enjoy her. I like how she’s affixed to her stand which is a white piece of wood. Her party dress is nice and colorful and I like her accessories, too.

Other than the incense, I’m still winning piddly crap. I work so hard to win so little! Maybe if I were lazy God would shower me with all kinds of money. But nah, it’s just not in my cards no matter what I do.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2007 We’ve been having highs in the 30s and we ended up with a foot of snow. What’s even worse is that they’re saying it’s to snow all week. Argh! I can’t wait to move! They say Klamath Falls has never before gotten two snow days in a row, and that it’s caused by the global warming that’s going on. I guess global warming will make cold climates worse and deserts rainier. The ice is melting on a lot of North Pole glaciers, and they’re saying that in about 50 years they may be able to sail across the entire North Pole. But how it will affect more temperate climates like Sacramento remains to be seen. I shouldn’t have 50 years left in this damn world anyway, thank God!

Later…

The Ashton-Drake doll and cat came today. Although she’s way overpriced and a little small, the doll’s beautiful. That is, in heavyset Emme’s outfit. Her outfit was fine except for the dull brown and gray colors that were in it. Now she’s in lavender silk slacks with a matching lace camisole.

The cat and nursing kittens, however, weren’t that impressive so they’re going back. Instead, I’m going to get a 10” black baby doll that’s very realistic looking with micro-rooted hair.

Speaking of blacks, the ones that aren’t made of porcelain or vinyl are pissing me off again. “Virginia apologizes in slavery role,” said the headline. I only skimmed through the article, but I was like, for what role? There’s no one left alive today that made slaves of the fucking assholes! Who apologizes to the gays? I asked Tom. He said they’re about to pass a federal law prohibiting discrimination against gays, but I’ll have to see it to believe it. Either way, isn’t the fact that blacks get more rights apology enough for something that no one alive today had a hand in whatsoever? Hell, the state of Oregon should apologize to us for getting so damn cold! God should apologize to me for simply allowing me to be born to the people I was born to! Or the least He could do is allow us to have money. Nothing could undo what He’s let others do to me or to Tom, so I don’t understand why He can’t at least have the decency to compensate us financially so we can live where we want to live. Haven’t we done it His way long enough?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2007 Someone next door is named Thaddea. UPS accidentally delivered some pricy organic teas they ordered. Since neither of us is interested in them, Tom’s going to reseal the box and give it to the UPS guy when he sees him tomorrow at work so he can get it to them. I just hope he hasn’t given them any of our packages!

Thaddea’s email was on the invoice and I couldn’t resist confusing her by sending her an email saying: How’s the new place? I hear it’s noisy down there. When I talked to him he said there was a dog that barked non-stop across the canal. How are you otherwise? We’re fine. We’ll visit soon.

Then I realized she may have or may get a piece of our mail with my name on it and know who sent it, but oh well. What can she do to me for it? I just hope she doesn’t email me or come over cuz I don’t want Tom to find out about it. He’d be paranoid for life! Hopefully, they won’t make trouble for us, but those that make trouble for us make trouble for themselves as well, so we’ll see.

Anyway, although they sure look Hispanic, and I was pretty sure that was Spanish I heard them speak a couple of times, the name hardly seems Hispanic. Perhaps it’s Indian. Indians and Hispanics tend to look similar, and it would explain why there aren’t 100 people over there or why they haven’t been a constant problem. Besides, not many Mexicans would work as much as they seem to. Either way, I think the only reason God hasn’t used them as instruments of torture against us is that I moved my office and He knows we’re moving soon enough anyway. If we were suddenly the owners of this place with no intention of moving soon, then all would change.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2007 Just when we thought the worst of winter was over, we get slammed with enough snow to make anyone go California dreamin’! There’s a good 4-5 inches out there. It’s been keeping the stereos to a minimum, but not the dog.

Still nothing but piddly wins. Maybe I’ll win something good I can have someday soon enough.

I haven’t been doing anything to lose weight. I work out when I can, but I can’t diet until I can get a hold of something to check the hunger. Maybe someday people will put their energy into figuring out how to weed the calories out of food, rather than what kind of break we can give blacks because their ancestors had it rough.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2007 Today we lost $8. We seem to go back and forth, so I told Tom not to bother reporting to me unless I ask. I’m sick of hearing one day how we could’ve won $900, then hearing the next how we lost $8. And I’m sick of God teasing us!!! But He’s not going to string me along and play with my head anymore on this issue. I know I’m not allowed to have what I want in life and that I must settle, so there’s nothing to tease me with anymore. He can keep us down, but He cannot keep us here in Oregon! That’s for sure. For the millionth time, I’m wondering if I should pray for what I don’t want. It may be meant to be anyway, but it’s the only way I feel like He’s on my side and listening to me. He hears me when I ask for what I don’t want, then goes deaf when I ask for what I do want. So maybe if I prayed for poverty and noisy neighbors and quit trying to fight Him on these issues He so desperately wants me to have to deal with every time I move, He’ll lay off for a while. Tom says moving to California is actually a step up and that there’s no real security here because they’re doing so badly at work, but the company hasn’t folded yet. All I know is that my life isn’t mine to live as I see fit, so maybe it’s time to just resign to that fact and go with the flow. What else can I do anyway?

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2007 We’re now shooting for April as far as moving goes. To think that I could be moving to California, something I could only dream of and fantasize about in the past, in less than two months, is pretty mind-boggling!

EFO had a good day today, though we certainly aren’t rich. We would’ve won $900, though, had he bet $24 on each of the 20 or so races that he only bet a buck or two on. He says he needs to discipline himself by waiting until he has $500 from little wins built up before he goes betting big time. Until now, he’d win a little, then try to go for the big bucks and lose what he’d won. I no longer see these potential big wins as encouraging, though. I see them as teases, but I won’t even let God tease me anymore with them. I’m sick of Him teasing us with money, so I’m just going to accept in my mind that we’ll never have money and move on. Meanwhile, Tom still thinks we’ll be rich someday. I still think he should keep at it just because he has so much fun with it, but if by some chance I’m wrong, it won’t be anytime soon. Maybe if we suddenly loved this place and he liked his job and we had no plans to move, then we might win more. But we need money for the move and the more we need money, the less we get it, so we’re going to have to go down with not much more than the Unemployment and hope for the best. At least we’ll have the Unemployment. When we came up here, we not only didn’t have the bamboo, but we didn’t have any income coming in. By the time the RV was bought, we had barely 2 grand left.

The past always comes back to haunt us, so I’m sure we’ll end up in an apartment. While there’s no such thing as a quiet apartment, the good thing about the apartments there, according to Tom’s research, is that you can rent them on a month-to-month basis. They do have 6-month leases too, which is good. I was worried that like with back east (it could’ve changed by now, though) we’d be locked into a place for a whole year. Although it’s more expensive overall, they even have dumps like this for the same price. Since we can’t have our cake and eat it too, meaning a nice place and plenty of extra money, then yeah, I’d still take the dump and the extra money before I took a nice place with nothing left for us once the necessities were paid.

As Tom pointed out, if EFO never does any better than it has, even though he thinks it will, and he gets a job at $10 an hour, then it’d be like having a job that’s $13 an hour after you factor in the EFO winnings. This is what he makes right here, too.

We’re going to research to see if God forbid someone may’ve cared enough to have any ordinances on car stereos in Sacramento set into motion because if by chance we have any rights and could do something about it other than killing the assholes playing them, we want to know about it before we go back to having to deal with that shit in the ways we had to in Phoenix. Then that’ll just leave the barking to deal with, but that’s a hell of a lot easier to drown out with fans and music as long as the damn thing’s not literally right against the wall of our place. And I’m not living with basketball hoops again either!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2007 Tom did some checking and was surprised to find it only costs $30 to rent a trailer to move us with, and just $125 to rent a newer, more comfortable, more reliable truck for a few days, too. 300 miles sure beats 1100, but that’s still a long haul for such an old piece of shit. So the mailman may get it after all, though I won’t tell him that till we know for sure. Once we get down there, we could get an old piece of shit right away. So getting there shouldn’t be a problem, it’s surviving there that I’m worried about. How can I not be paranoid after what happened when we first came here to Oregon? Yet this time around we’ll be armed with something we didn’t have when we came up here and that’s the bamboos. Even Tom agrees we probably wouldn’t have fared so badly had we had them upon coming up here.

So while the horseracing thing is still proving to be the bust I knew it’d be in November, I do at least have that Nikita doll on her way! The seller did come through after all, and we both agreed that for the sake of our reputation on eBay, I should buy it like I said I would as soon as it was listed. So Jade will get her packing box after all as well since I figured the outer or inner box would be ideal to move her in. Jade’s 32” and Nikita’s 33”.

I checked and saw that they jacked their 10-packs up a quarter to 75¢. Tom thinks they may still have trouble, but we’ll see.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2007 Got 20 more packs of incense today in which the mailman left two rubber bands around, along with the other mail. This is because I thanked him for all the rubber bands in my little note to him, saying how they’ll help with packing and moving. Anyway, two of the bags didn’t have labels on them so I have no idea what they are. I’ve been getting so carried away having fun with trying out all the new smells that my lungs have been tight lately. Especially since I’m in a smaller room. I’ve been making a point of leaving the doors open to air it out a bit, but being such a tiny house, it doesn’t have much space to branch out in and then it only bothers Tom.

Later…

And they just keep on fucking up. But at least this time it’s in my favor! Kepa said I could consider those blank bags extras as he didn’t remember any unlabeled bags. Then he asked me for a list of the labeled ones I got so he could cross-reference them with the list of the ones sent for that day. He was then able to tell me what they were and said he’d send more with the labels they had there. There goes another buck on his part!

I told him we were moving to California in a few months and that was why I did such a big order. I didn’t want to just try new scents but to stock up as I expect to be broke for a while. I also told him I understood if he wanted to cringe every time he saw an email from me, but that once I got settled down there, I’d order more often, but in smaller quantities. He replied by saying that it’s okay, it only teaches them that they have to account for things like this, he’s just worried I feel I had to wait so long, etc. I told him I’ve had to wait longer before for other things, and that it was good that he broke the order up. I know he may’ve lost money on it, but this way I could have fun sampling some and look forward to knowing more was on its way, etc.

Anyway, in both good and bad dog news – the dog in front hasn’t been around, so that’s good. But the canal dog has been a nightmare. I can’t even stand to be in the kitchen! I can’t cook in peace, I can’t eat in peace, I can’t wash dishes in peace, I can’t even put the damn groceries away in peace! Every few minutes off it goes on a barking fit. How in the world can the owners and people who are even closer to the fucking thing stand it??? It’s insane!

The racing’s going just okay, though he’s been trying different things with the way he places bets, programs, codes, etc. He even thinks my spell is working and that it’s just taking effect very slowly like the one we did at the duplex. Well, I’m not yet convinced about the spell, and as for the racing, I still say it’s going to do okay here and poorly there. It just doesn’t go with what’s been in our cards as of yet; having money. You don’t curse someone financially for so long just to let them one day have a ton of money. We’re not exactly doing too bad right now, but look how we have to live in order to do okay – like a pair of bums in a dive. Never can we have a nice place to go with the money. As much as I hate to give up the security we have here since he hates his job too much to ever be lucky enough to be let go, we both agree that this place sucks. There’d be no benefit in staying other than that we could go shopping regularly. Other than that, it’s too cold, too small, too old, too open, too tilted, too noisy, etc. The only thing I listed that we can’t escape is the noise, but even if I’m right about us struggling like hell once we leave here, can our next place really be this bad? Our best bet is still probably going to be an adults-only trailer park. I don’t like the idea of living in a tin can where I can’t sing without an audience, and that lets sound in like not even this place can since there’ll still be barking and music, but as always, God will decide for us where we should go. Not us.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2007 Today Andy would be 45 years old. I wonder if he still looks younger. I wonder if he’s still even in Arizona, and if so, is he still alone and flitting from one meaningless job to another? Is he still a pothead? If he is and if he’s in Arizona, I hope to hell he never gets caught!

The shitheads next door just surprised me by leaving quietly. I’m amazed. Let’s hope they keep it up.

Tom just got in and drained the cooler we’ve been using. He’s been buying blocks of ice and they last a surprisingly long time. This way we can get refrigerated/frozen stuff.

Randy, the mailman, left a note asking if we plan to sell our truck, and if so, let him know. I’m not catching him as much anymore now that my office is in the bedroom and I can’t see out the window, but I’ll leave a note letting him know that if we do sell it before we move this summer, we’ll let him know.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2007 The Mexicans traded in the old white pickup for a nice new dark green SUV to haul the cement mixer with, so we saw on our way back from the store. And I’d bet just about all my stuff just what kind of stereo is in it, too! But they would die for anyone over anything, so even if they knew someone would shoot and kill them over it, they’d keep right up with their shit till they were killed, though we haven’t heard it yet. Another month or two and I’m sure they’ll be a nightmare. Then in a month or two after that, we can trade them in for a new nightmare where it’s nice and warm.

One of them was on his way up this street as we got onto it. I knew it would go next door, and it did. It entered the side door, and some chick was out front smoking yesterday.

Yesterday, Todd, the FedEx driver, waved to us as we were going to the pizza place, a place we hadn’t been to in a long time. Then he dropped a package off at the house for the boss and Tom took it in to him. Guess he had too many packages to deliver. You know you live in a small town when a driver drops off your boss’ package!

Speaking of packages, I’ve got a package on its way to me today, then the final one ships tomorrow, or so they say. No wonder they’ve got to up their prices. That’s 5 packages and no doubt more than what we paid for shipping! Tom’s probably right when he says they’re probably sorry I’m the charter member with how much money I’ve lost them.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2007 Tom says he’s still 99% sure he can make a few hundred a day if he continues to develop his program, though he does admit that if it’s not happening by June when we go to leave, then it’s not gonna happen. I’ve known since November that this thing is just going to make a few bucks here and take a few bucks there. Of course, it would help if the stormy weather could lay off and the horses could quit breaking their legs, but I just can’t see any real money in this thing. It totally goes against God’s plans for us to struggle like a pair of bums throughout most of life, living where we don’t want to live. You don’t trap someone in places like Brattleboro, Valleyhead, jail, most of the apartments I had, or the Phoenix house because you like to see them be where they want to be.

I start to get excited about getting away from the fucking canal dog after living with it for what will be nearly two years, but why bother? I’ll just be going to live with another one down there. At least it will be warm most of the time! I miss being in a newer place where I can wear shorts most of the time. I miss the palms and year-round flowers. Oh, to have more than 600 square feet of levelness! I dread the noise, the giant spiders, and what health problems that lay ahead for me, but the risk will be worth it. I’m getting sicker and sicker of this house by the minute, and the whole damn state!

I haven’t been in the mood to do any writing, so I’ve been bored. I wish I could find more things to do! Guess I’ll go read for now.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2007 Safeway’s no longer the fun adventure it used to be with Liz gone. Or at least we think she’s gone since Tom hasn’t seen her. I guess if she can go from not seeming to be pregnant at all, to seeming 5 months pregnant the next day, then to 8 the next, according to when Tom last saw her, then why not jump to having had it already? Maybe there are 4 Lizs! So much for trying to do any more spells on her! Poor girl, to have her life be over at just 25 years of age. Then again, we both agree it was hard to judge her age. Her appearance suggested she was around 25, but her personality and the way she talked suggested she could be a bit older, though I can’t believe she’s over 30. For her sake, I just hope her man sticks by her.

Since the Nikita seller is obviously not reliable and not likely to come through for me, I had to choose between a couple of Ashton-Drake items, Barbies, Tonners, or this beautiful Asian mannequin up for sale on eBay, and in the end, I chose the Ash items. All but one of the Tonners I currently want aren’t available yet, and I’d rather wait longer and pay twice as much for those lingerie mannequins that are super nice. So I’m getting an Indian doll that lies on her side, propped up on one elbow that measures 15” long. I’m also getting a black and white “breathing, purring” cat with 3 kitties. This will be my last treat for who knows how many years, thanks to our lovely God who’s no doubt going to jump at the opportunity to kick us down hard and long as soon as we move.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2007 God’s little bum just signing in, wanting to say that my resentment for Him only deepens. He has us reduced to not only doing without a refrigerator but not being able to use the microwave when both portable heaters and computers are running, thanks to the ancient electrical wiring in this dive which Tom thinks was actually built in the 20s, not the 40s. But every now and then I forget to turn off the heater before zapping something, so I had to go out through the cold and the mud and hit the fuse button earlier. I had Tom show me where it was so I wouldn’t have to wake him up. This is just what we need this late in life, huh?! Never can get ahead. Just never can fucking get ahead! And when we start to, we get kicked back. What’s the bastard want me to say? Something like, “Fine, I’ll be your little bum by not bothering with the microwave either so I don’t have to have the hassles of setting clocks and having my computers reboot. I’ll wash my clothes in the tub, I’ll eat cheap shit, I’ll put my own self in pain somehow on days that You don’t, I’ll do things I don’t want to do, I’ll find the dumpiest, noisiest dive available in Sacramento (not that this one would be any challenge), etc.” Maybe if I did do all of this He’d lay off me for a change, or just maybe I would be rewarded in the afterlife because there sure as hell won’t be any compensation in this life!

Liz has been gone and so has next door. Yet it doesn’t seem like they’ve moved because the window coverings are still up. What, are we going to have to go through yet another turnover before we move, or what? Could they have moved to a place where they can play music without anyone bitching about it? I can’t believe they’d move over that. If they have moved, then because it was so soon after moving in, it’s gotta be because they got in trouble as most freeloaders do. And this is Oregon, so if they fucked over any white folks, they’re not going to get away with it that easily.

Kepa said my 4th and final package was to be mailed out tomorrow, he’s sorry for the delay and that even though the prices are based on my suggestion, they may have to raise the prices or unit sizes due to the labor involved, and they simply don’t have all their 1500 scents soaking at once. The company’s not as big as I originally thought it was, but as I told him, I understand, and he’ll always have a customer in me. To get such a big order in less than a month sure beats the two months it’d take Incense Galore to send me small orders! I’m glad they broke it up into multiple mailings as I was running out of incense when the first batch arrived. I told him the only things I’d change are to continue enlarging the fonts, keep the outsides of the bags free of oils, so they don’t stick to other bags and pull the writing off, and watch the count. Some bags were short a stick or two. Meanwhile, I love his service and products. He asked how many were short, and I told him I hadn’t kept track, but maybe 20-30 bags were short, and that some of the sticks sometimes still go out, but they’re usually fine once I relight them. I also like how he has no order minimum requirement, and explained that I got such a big order because we’re moving out of state soon, which will no doubt leave us broke for a while. Lastly, I still have about 500 or so scents I want to try, but then my orders won’t be so big as I’ll have a ‘favorites’ list. I may then order in larger quantities, but not as many different items.

Tom hasn’t been able to do any races because of bad weather. Funny how there’s always something.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2007 With the exception of that $200 he won, EFO is still proving to be TUT. I keep thinking that God better compensate me for all the shit I’ve gone through! And Tom too, but I know He won’t. The last thing God cares about is seeing that Tom and Jodi get rich. God doesn’t always compensate. He’s often cruel and unfair, period. So with this in mind, all I can do is hope the transition to Sacramento goes a hell of a lot smoother than the move up here did, but I know it’ll be rough sailing. Long-distance moves always are unless you have money. The move to Deerfield, Norwich, Phoenix, Maricopa, then finally to Oregon, all left me/us broke. Each move took us a year or more to get on our feet, and of course, we never quite made it in Maricopa.

I’ll at least hope we don’t lose everything when we do get down there, and that we won’t have to suffer in the mainstream of chaos and antics for more than 5 years. I’m also hoping that if we can’t have an out-of-the-way house before he’s 55, we’ll at least be able to rent something in a retirement community. We may still get dogs and car doors there, but that’d eliminate things like music, and houses having basketball hoops with animals slamming balls outside our windows for 5 hours at a time. Of course, I still say the freeloading sickos coaxed their animals into doing that for my account, but the point’s still the same. What’s also the same is that life isn’t about getting what I want, so I assume these are just dreams. Life really, really isn’t what I want in both big and small ways. Of the many books and DVDs I’ve won, for example, not one of them was any of the ones I wanted! So I sure am welcome to live wherever I don’t want to live, that’s for sure.

I totally resent God more and more for making us live like this. We may’ve chosen this dump of a house so we could have extra money, but we shouldn’t have to live like bums in order to do so at our ages. I totally feel picked on and singled out while everyone else in our families gets to live in their nice houses and drive their fancy cars. What the fuck makes them so much better and deserving than us? I’m tired of being God’s little bum!

I just wish Tom would quit being so naïve where this program’s concerned. It’s simply not going to make more than a few bucks a day if even that. He had made $35 on Saturday, then lost it Sunday due to two horses breaking legs. Horses break legs all the time in racing, so I don’t see how he expects to make more than just a few scattered bucks here and there with an occasional 100-to-200-dollar winner, just like with scratch tickets. If it is going to pay off more, and that’s a big if, then it’s not going to be anytime soon. Certainly not before June.

I left Kim some incense I didn’t like. Although it hasn’t woken me up yet, I’m getting tired of having to hear her music when she comes and goes, which is getting to be more often lately. Where did this come from? She went over a year without music, and now it’s a common occurrence with her. Is it because she hears mine? Does she figure there’s nothing I could do about it being 150 pounds lighter? Does she figure we’re cool enough with each other that I wouldn’t care? Well, as long as it doesn’t get any louder I won’t care. I’m a bit concerned, however, that as the weather warms up, she won’t have sense enough to turn it down when she’s got her windows open.

The bad news is that we’re in for the second round of snow since returning from the cruise, and lower highs. They’ll be in the 30s and 40s rather than the 50s, but the good is that the lows won’t be down in the teens. That really makes the nights really uncomfortable when they are! It’ll be hitting down into the 20s and 30s instead.

We’ve been noticing a surprising pattern with next door and that’s that they seem to take off during the weekends. I can’t imagine where it is they go, I’m just shocked they haven’t been a problem. I’m also shocked I haven’t seen any kids over there. Maybe they’d have turned out to be a problem had I kept my office in the living room, and maybe Kim’s getting a little more musical lately because I moved it onto her driveway. She’s just the type to play loud music, too. She’s young and no doubt lonely, destined to be alone forever as big as she is. Anyway, we’ll see how next door is when it warms up, as in the 60s and 70s.

Nothing but piddly wins lately, but at least those don’t give us any headaches.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2007 What a little klepto this rat is! I was searching for the DVD list I left by the door only to find that the furry little thief had dragged it into her cage.

It’s now that time of month when I get several emails congratulating me for other people’s wins. This is totally offensive, too!

I’m going to leave some of the incense I don’t like by Kim’s door early this morning before she gets in from work. Still having fun with all the scents, deciding what should go on my list of favorites and what shouldn’t.

I did hear from the Nikita seller after all. She said she’s out of town but plans to list her next week. At $25 more than I thought she would, but it’s still a good deal. I’ve been wanting this doll for 3 years.

[adamwatchesmovies]

The VelociPastor (2017

You can’t make a movie that’s “so bad it’s good” on purpose. The VelociPastor proves it. Even at a mere 75 minutes, this horror comedy overstays its welcome.

After witnessing his parents die in a car fire, Pastor Doug Jones (Gregory James Cohan) briefly vacations in China. There, he receives a velociraptor claw from a dying woman. Now, whenever Jones becomes angry, he transforms into a dinosaur. He’s convinced he should try to remove this curse but Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), a hooker he saved while in his scaly form, thinks otherwise.

Other than the pun in its title, The VelociPastor has very little going for it. At first, you might chuckle at the premise and the wooden performances. As soon as the movie shows you it doesn’t even have the budget for lousy special effects, you'll realize this won't be the cult classic you were hoping for and shut it off. Instead of showing us the fire that kills Father Doug Jones’ parents, writer/director Brendan Steere has the text “VFX of Fire” appear over an empty street. To people who haven’t seen movies that are so bad they’re good, this sounds hysterical. Anyone with any experience with the ironic art form will know better. This is someone trying to cover up the fact that they don’t have the resources to make a good movie and aren’t even willing to try.

The problem with The VelociPastor is that without giving it too much thought, you could write a better movie. What if Pastor Doug gave a fiery sermon in front of his congregation and suddenly began changing? How would he hide his claws as he hands out communion? What if he faced an existential crisis because previously, he believed the Earth was only 3,000 years old? How about a scene in which he watches Jurassic Park for pointers on how to stalk the villains that prowl the streets? Maybe at one point, said villains chase him into a museum and he has to hide among animatronic dinosaurs! What about an important seminar he absolutely can’t miss that requires him to stuff the trademark velociraptor claw into normal shoes and tape his tail to his leg? What sort of hijinks do we get, if not these? None! In fact, the velociraptor barely appears in this movie and when it does, you’ll pray for death. Facing people who know you’ve sat through this film is too heavy a cross to bear. The dinosaur costume is clearly some generic Halloween disguise someone picked up on November 1st for 50% off because the crotch was torn. It looks shabby and you never see it do anything interesting. As for the gore - when you get any - it's little more than red fruit juice sprayed all over the actors.

It’s obvious no one working on this project cared. There are several scenes whose punchlines are so tired, lame and predictable they aren’t the least bit funny. In fact, they kind of make you mad. "This is the best you could come up with? Another pointless scene that wastes our time even more than the rest of the film, which is itself a colossal waste of time? Please Lord, just tell me we’re nearly at the end." You take a look at your watch. You’ve got another 45 minutes to go. This is a movie so dull it’s a battle to stay awake.

At best, The VelociPastor is a broken clock comedy - it manages to make you laugh/smile despite being broken and useless almost every minute of every hour of every day. At worst, it’s so cheap and lazy it insults your intelligence. You can’t make a cult film on purpose. I wasn’t looking for high art or deep meaning when I sat down with this film but I expected it to be fun. The only people who could enjoy The VelociPastor have their names in the end credits. (June 11, 2021)

[medea10]

My Review of Engaged to the Unidentified

(a.k.a. Mikakunin de Shinkoukei)

How did I get into this anime? Your guess is as good as mine. I think I saw some memes or heard the opening theme a couple of times that I got curious. Yes, I add animes to my watch-list because of ridiculous reasons like that.

It’s the morning of Kobeni Yonomori’s 16th birthday. She had a feeling that this year was the start of something new because of her age. In this family, she was in for the surprise of her life. Not even 16 for a few hours, her mother drops a bombshell that Kobeni has a fiancé and that he is going to live with them from here on out. This is an arranged marriage brought about by Kobeni’s deceased grandfather. When he was alive, the family was not to go against the grandfather and I guess that’s going to continue now that he’s dead.

Kobeni’s fiancé is named Hakuya Mitsumine. He’s a space-cadet. He’s also NOT a main focus in this show despite all that I just said. That’s because along with Hakuya, his baby sister Mashiro is going to live with the Yonomroi family and attend school with Kobeni and her sister Benio. Who the hell thought of the genius idea of having this nine-year-old attend high school? Anyways, Mashiro is the show-stealer despite this sudden fiancé storyline. Let’s watch the wacky misadventures of two families uniting as one under the pretense of an arranged marriage. And watch Mashiro do cute things that steal the scene.

Oh yeah and Hakuya is some entity that can’t be explained. The entire family is.

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: Oh thank God, no dub. Sorry, as of recent I’ve been on the bad end of some pretty abysmal dubs brought on by Sentai Filmworks. Okay, I guess that’s a little mean. I just cringe when I hear noticeably 50-year-olds voicing teenagers. But that’s my gripe for another review. The sub contains quite a few people that I’m not too familiar with. I was totally dumbfounded when I learned that Emiri Katou didn’t voice Mashiro. I swear to God every time that chibi monster opened her trap that was Mayoi from Monogatari. I cannot be the only one who thinks like that. Anyways, here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

*Kobeni is played by Haruka Terui (known for Mei on Yashahime, Momoka on Idolm@ster: CG, and Chihaya on Persona 5)

*Benio is played by Eriko Matsui (known for Nao on Idolm@ster: CG)

*Mashiro is played by Yuuri Yoshida (known for Tomomi on FLCL: Alternative and Lactic Acid on Cells at Work)

*Hakuya is played by Wataru Hatano (known for Gajeel on Fairy Tail, Shinsou on My Hero Academia, Kasanoda on Ouran HSHC, Harvar on Soul Eater, and Spartos on Magi)

SHIPPING: Ooh boy, an arranged marriage. On the plus side, it doesn’t look like this anime is a harem despite the amount of cutesy anime girls. Hakuya seems to recall knowing Kobeni in the past because they played together as children. Kobeni however doesn’t remember. This probably has to do with an accident from childhood that prevents her from remembering long-term or something along those lines. Oh yeah and the fact that Hakuya is some kind of dog creature. Of course, Kobeni wasn’t going to remember. Hakuya seems very loyal to Kobeni and let his feelings out early on that he likes Kobeni. At least this guy likes her for more than just her big bust and child-bearing hips. That little Mashiro is such an imp! But let’s move onto the other part of this.

Sister love! Benio loves her sister Kobeni. She really loves her. It’s almost on a level I haven’t seen since Yuru Yuri. I’ll get to that suspicion soon enough. And when Hakuya and Mashiro moved in, her sights are set on the tiny Mashiro. Mashiro doesn’t like Benio. Kobeni doesn’t care for a lot of Benio’s lovey-dovey onto her either. So, who likes Benio? Fellow classmate and student council member Konoha does. Benio’s underclassmen love her too, but Konoha loves Benio more than life itself.

Konoha loves Benio so much that she even feels threatened by Kobeni. Benio’s own freakin’ sister. Okay, when talking about Benio, that is very understandable. But Konoha eventually set her hatred onto Mashiro. Oh, and she also might be a special entity from the mountains too.

That’s why she decided to be bold and demand that Hakuya marry her.

This series is something else.

SETTLE SOMETHING FOR ME: Indulge me a little, will you? I can’t be the only one thinking the same thing here. Is there some kind of correlation between this anime and Yuru Yuri? Something other than the fact that they are animated by the same company! I know that they are both created by two different people. But I feel like they’re connected. Or not! Maybe it’s just my crazed-mind working again. Benio acts like Akari’s sister on Yuru Yuri. I mean, not as dark and twisted as Akari’s sister, but…no, they’re both pretty depraved on their sister-love. Give Benio some credit. She has never worn her sister’s underwear over her head while spooning a body pillow with her sister on it. Also, have you seen Mayuru? She looks like Chitose from Yuru Yuri! Kobeni also has a bit of a resemblance to Akari. It can’t just be that they’re both animated by Doga Kobo studios. It just can’t!

Doga Kobo, thank God you guys are doing Oshi no Ko right now. Because I’ve been ready to judge you guys intensely after watching this.

OVAS: The first OVA has Kobeni and everyone else go to a hot spring. It’s 12 minutes long. Nothing affecting the plot happens here. The second OVA has Kobeni and Mashiro talk about their youth. It’s 12 minutes long. Nothing affecting the plot happens here...

...Although Kobeni wanted to grow up to be a sexual deviant. We can blame Benio for that.

ENDING: There were a lot of dilemmas going down with the characters. Hakuya was trying to think of a good White Day gift for Kobeni. Kobeni has been dealing with her feelings towards Hakuya and if she really likes him. The recent stuff with Konoha wanting to marry Hakuya has really gotten her. There was also a little guilt between the two potential love birds as Kobeni has seen a scar that Hakuya keeps hidden. He got it the day Kobeni got hurt as a child. Kobeni feels guilty that she caused this and Hakuya is just guilty over not being able to protect Kobeni in the first place.

Meanwhile, Benio has gotten a little more territorial with Kobeni (especially when Hakuya was around). And as for Mashiro, she decided to do some roof-hopping since it was dusk one day. But someone at her school (the school gossip of all people) might have caught a glimpse of her. Regular humans aren’t supposed to know of the mountain entities. This incident could have been the driving factor in both Hakuya and Mashiro disappearing at the end of episode 11. They’re gone. All their shit is gone too. Even the mother and sister are worried.

Turns out Hakuya and Mashiro went back home for a bit. They took their clothes and books back to change out since a new session of school was starting soon. But it wasn’t found out until Kobeni made the trek up to the mountains in search of the brother and sister. And then falls ill with a fever! You know, all of this could have been prevented if Hakuya just left a note or text message. And not a cryptic message he left on Kobeni’s phone. This boy is seriously the winner of spaciest cadet in all of anime history.

In her feverish haze, Kobeni ends up wandering off on her own while Mashiro and Hakuya were searching for items for her fever. This turn of events turned into an almost déjà vu moment as Kobeni almost ended up falling off a cliff. Hakuya saved her in time. The last time this happened, Kobeni was horribly injured and Hakuya gave her half of his own powers. After being saved, we do get this sweet scene between Hakuya and Kobeni. They don’t fully say “I love you” or anything like that. But they do want to be there for each other and not hide anything. Kobeni is safe. Everyone goes home.

My first impression of this show was that I was in for a moe anime where cute anime girls do cute things. I remember thinking that when I would see clips of the opening theme. Most of that opening is very misleading. But then I saw a male in the main cast and thought, “Shit, it’s a harem”. It was not. Although, there is no other romance to speak of with the rest of the cast. And then we add this supernatural crap of Hakuya and Mashiro being special entities that live in the mountains. I’m throwing up my hands and calling it a day. I was not expecting any of this and I am okay with that. What I got was better than what I was expecting. Keep in mind, I was not expecting much to begin with.

I think this is an okay story to watch if you’re looking for a short series to occupy your mind before you go onto bigger animes. It’s just that if you’re not a fan of precocious little girls with an attitude, you might have a disdain for one of the main characters. In my case, yeah, Mashiro did get on my nerves. But it was tolerable.

If you would like to watch Engaged to the Unidentified, Hidive has every episode available for streaming.

[bedlund]

he said i love you

[uncommon-etc]

Having just come back from seeing Thor: Love and Thunder for the second time (once in IMAX and once at my local independent cinema) I’m now ready to mercilessly deconstruct the top five dumbest criticisms of it that I’ve seen floating around so far...

1. It’s too short - Being the first Marvel film I’ve seen in ages to be under 2 hours, I can’t believe the amount of people citing this as a reason they didn’t like it. Not everyone wants to spend hour after hour fossilizing through fight-scenes which could have been significantly shorter and still good. Keeping the film to a reasonable length meant I didn’t have to hire a dog-sitter/be racked with guilt about leaving my 20-month-old samoyed by herself all evening.

2. There are too many jokes - Before I’d even seen it, I saw someone claiming it was like 80% jokes and only 20% plot and my response was “So?” I can now confirm it’s more of a 50/50 split at least, and it’s actually, genuinely funny. The entire cinema was in stitches both times for at least half the film. I’m so sorry if you watched the Nolan Batman films when you were like twelve and decided all superhero films had to be dark and edgy, but some of us would take joyful himbo Thor over intense brooding Thor any day of the week.

3. The scene with Heimdall’s kid was somehow transphobic - This is by far the dumbest one, because there is nothing about it which suggests it’s a dig at self-IDing trans kids. Heimdall’s son decides he wants a more earth-sounding name, so he wants to be called Axel. Thor is quite understandably miffed and wants to keep calling his dead friend’s kid the name his father gave him to honor his memory, but eventually relents. There is no evidence what-so-ever that Axel was afab, or that it’s a gender thing, it’s a freakin’ Guns n’ Roses reference, you morons.

4. Ragnarok was better and/or Taika was somehow the wrong choice of director -  Actually, this is the dumbest one, because it seems to be echoed consistently by people who A) Didn’t like Ragnarok either B) Haven’t actually seen it C) Have never watched a Taika Waititi film that wasn’t in the marvel canon or D) All of the above. You’re entitled to your opinion, but if it’s based on any of the premises above, you’re wrong, and I’d like to counter it by saying I don’t ever want to watch another Thor film that wasn’t directed by Taika Waititi. Though I really hope Loki is in the next one.

5. Some nonsense about Jane Foster’s character arc, idk - I‘ve seen people claiming Natalie Portman must have been disappointed with her role, because, of course, I’m sure she preferred it when she was purely there as a love-interest or spent half the film in a frickin’ coma. I’ve seen people claim she didn’t look sick enough (a criticism that was never made of Peter Quill’s mother in the first GotG film, despite her being literally on death’s door) and while it’s a valid point, Hollywood films rarely allow women to look anything below fully made up and gorgeous with a few dark circles under the eyes, so what were you expecting? Weird hill to die on I guess. 

[shocotate]

Live Action Movie 2 Ramble

Here’s stuff I wrote while watching the second live action movie. My more articulate ramble about the first movie is here (back in 2018, I have not watched it again before watching these two), and my ramble about movie 3 is here.

WB's new logo is disgusting, but at least it’ll help people remember that Netflix didn’t make this.

Golio is here, I guess it might as well use something from Scar's reintroduction to speed things along. In the anime he was killed way earlier back in episode 15, when in the manga he was killed while Ed was away in Resembool

The water titles were an interesting choice

Ling has devoured the apple pie. I guess it makes more sense him going to Central on a train than somehow ending up dead in Rush valley. Boy better be careful though or else he’ll be getting arrested for no passport even sooner.

These god damn subs. Shin = Xing, add that G there. Rin = NO G HERE CERTAINLY NOT. Lin Yao strikes again.

Ed about to bring the northern chokeout on Lan Fan but then she blew up the train so.

Glad Envy got his topup

Well that's something

This shit with Roy and Bald doesn’t matter when he’s already wasted two homunculi last movie. At least with Lust dead already Havoc’s lighter is safe.

May Chang gets her G in the subs, but Shao May’s CGI is scaring me.

Alex’s hair is too funny my god

No Scar don’t go underground, unlike East City there’s actually stuff down there in Central

Boroboro dana oretachi OH HE SAID IT sorry I’m losing my mind from hearing that every time the mobile game starts – DEMO IKKITERU, AA, IKKITERU, start singing Nana Mizuki he said it.

Despite being Ed and Al’s escort in place of Ross, Falman couldn’t make it to the group shot. Hope he’s ok.

He’s in the next scene he’s ok.

Damn they’ve moved Ishval down the map, time for Resembool to be the real crest of blood spot here

Marcoh’s dead so there will be no diversions on the way to Resembool, right?

Three faction sewer fight lets go

As far as Wrath saying he saw Edward to his family, I think going on the rollercoaster train is pretty impressive, but I guess seeing Edward on a place he was already going works too.

They finally let Hoho say that Ed is the smallest state alchemist in history.

I was expecting a impressive one handed hair braiding but hair down Ed is fine.

I haven’t seen Alphonse in a while, did he get left at Central

At least they got Xerxes right, must have watched 300 before this…

Ed’s leaving the country alone, mad lad. No Alex and Breda kidnap for him.

*forgets to write anything for a while*

Edward doing the finger gun pose was kinda endearing

Only 40 offspring of the emperor? Has there been a culling or are some yet to be born, those later clans are screwed in the battle.

Edward asking the real questions of how can Ling become emperor if the plan is the make the emperor immortal. Finally. We know Ling does become emperor within only 2 years so maybe his coup plan happened

I can’t remember if Al could always do clappy alchemy in this because he’s older, or he just can now.

Collateral damage out of control, rip those dudes

I like how Ed blocked the hammer of the gun with his finger when trying to convince Winry to put down the gun, that’s actually clever of him to do.

I thought it was arm-doggo but it was actually envy-doggo. You’ve fooled me once, movie, it won’t happen again

Winry can’t leave yet, what about the tiny screw. Also there’s like 50 minutes left of this movie and I know where it ends, how are they gonna stretch this out.

Arm dog is here, and what a stray dog to have. Find that on the street and you’re winning.

I wonder where Fu is

I wonder where Shao May is.

Oh she’s here now.

Winry gets to use her hands of healing on Lan Fan, that’s kinda neat to give Knox, or whoever this is, some backup.

Headbandage Ed the best Ed of all is now here. I didn’t see him get the headwound but I guess it happened.

Wrath gets a solo flashback with Father (unless it’s not a flashback, explaining why Envy and Gluttony aren’t there). The anime took Father out of it, so this one of just Wrath and Father is the same as the psp game. The full manga version stays unadapted, until the mobile game does it, if it does.

Hughes is back, yay, also good to adapt scenes the anime didn’t in the flashback.

UM Riza said “Mustang-san” not Major Mustang. These subs I swear…

Shao May and May reunion, guess she has no reason to go underground now. Also shao may has no eyes, I don’t like that.

What about Gluttony, is he just gonna stew for days.

I’m liking Ed’s penchant for attempted murder with his very dangerous attacks, I hope he will continue, and make it happen where it counts. Gimme this one, plz.

Winry again, stop interrupting Scar and Ed fighting. Oh we’re doing the north thing – but I know Olivier is in the next one so—

Winry’s parents force ghosts what

We’ve got 15 minutes left get in Gluttony’s belly already. If I had my way we wouldn't even be going in there since Ed already knows Al’s body exists from the last movie, but we have that big envy model and damn it needs some use.

Ok gluttony is here now and he’s doing the sloth run. Oh no roy has a tiny cut on his outer leg

Scar protecc, Scar attacc, and most importantly, holds Gluttony bacc

Horse Envy is here now. I wish he’d have talked first though as a horse. Loves me some Mr Ed

Father will be big mad

Al held out his arm but his arm survives, interesting choice.

Fire in the belly dimension when gluttony swallowed no fire. oh no no no.

The punch doesn’t go as well without Ed asking about Ishval bro.

Noo Envy cgi is like all slimy, no nooo

To Be Continued...

[haveamagicalday]

My Top Ten Books of 2021

I read 50 books this year and here are my favorites. I have reviews for all the other books in a separate post.

Honorable Mention: The Nutcracker Bleeds by Lani Lenore 

Okay, I’m adding this to my favorite reads because it was just such a bizarre read and memorable experience. Now this is a loose dark retelling in The Nutcracker, emphasis on the dark. The story focuses on a nanny to a disturbed 14 year old girl who still plays with dolls. Due to a rat bite, both Anne (nanny) and the girl get shrunken down to the size of dolls where they discover a war between all the toys in the house and the rat king. What happens next is a fever dream of demented toys, a violent nutcracker and a whole lot of creepiness. Now, I read that this book was originally posted on wattpad and later found out she self published it. There is nothing wrong with that but after learning this, I could see how this wasn’t run through an editor. It was about 200 pages too long and I feel like some plot points would have either been cut or cleaned up quite a bit. I feel like the first half of the book was different than the last as it became more typical YA and a lot of the plot fizzled out and left you wondering why they were there to begin with. The first half was creepy and weird and totally original though. I think this would make a fantastic video game in the same vein as American McGee’s Alice. It had that video game story telling of meeting a character, doing a task, and then moving to the next. I’m glad I read it and I’ve thought about it a lot after I finished.I ’m honestly not sure if I would recommend this to people or not, at least not to anyone I know. Maybe after seeing these trigger warnings you’ll understand why. Trigger warnings: Attempted Rape, Incest, Pedophilia, Violence and uh...... nutcracker on human (consensual) sex that I feel the need to warn people about.

10. The Ghost Tree by Christina Henry

Bodies of young girls are turning up torn to pieces in the small town of Smiths Hollow and nobody seems that concerned. Except for 15 year old Lauren whose father was found a year earlier similarly murdered. When she has visions of a monster dragging girls into the woods, she knows she has to figure out what is going on. This book was fantastic. Creepy small town, 80s time period, urban legends and witchy vibes made this a fun and thrilling read.

9. Survive the Night by Riley Sager

This was a fun, thrilling ride! Charlie is hitching a ride back to her hometown after dealing with the aftermath of her best friend’s murder. While her traveling companion seemed normal at first, things start to get tense and Charlie isn’t sure if she made the right decision. This book was unique as it’s sort of set up like a script of sorts and Charlie even has hallucinations where the world around her plays out like a movie scene. This is a quick read that will have you flipping through the pages both in anticipation and dread. 

8. House of Hollow by Krystal Sutherland

Iris and her sisters vanished when they were children. When they finally were found, their hair was white, their eyes were black and they each had a scar at the base of their neck. Iris doesn’t remember what happened but when her oldest sister goes missing, she has to embark on a journey to not only find her but find the truth of what happened all those years ago. This book was creepy, strange and enthralling! It had an ending I haven’t ever seen before, especially in a YA novel. 

7. The Death of Jane Lawrence by Caitlin Starling

Jane has married the town’s shy doctor in what was initially supposed to be just a business arrangement. Initially she is told that she must never spend the night at Augustine’s desolate mansion but a storm forces her to spend the night. This leads to many more questions than answers as Augustine starts acting strange and Jane fears there is something sinister going on in the house. This book was marketed as being inspired by Crimson Peak but I think the similarities end once she gets to the mansion. I was expecting a gothic ghost story, and while there may be ghosts, we find out quickly that Augustine has dabbled with magic and in order to help, Jane must do so as well. There wasn’t much of a mystery (we found out pretty quickly what’s going on and there’s no big reveals) but it was still a creepy and interesting read. I especially liked the romance between our two main characters and how Jane takes charge to make things right.

6. Final Girls Support Group by Grady Hendrix

A lot of people have compared this to Final Girls by Riley Sager because they both have the basic concept of a group of final girls that survived slasher film like scenarios. The difference I would say is that Finals Girls is more of a thriller murder mystery while Final Girls Support Group is more of a  horror/black comedy. Either way, both these books are fantastic and I highly recommend them!

5. My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix

Abby and Gretchen have been best friends since 5th grade. This starts to change after a strange occurrence in the woods and Gretchen starts to act different. Is it drugs, teen angst or rock and roll’s influence causing these changes or is Gretchen possessed by a demon? Set in the 80s this book filled with lots of spooky fun and is surprisingly emotional and tender.

4. The Grimrose Girls by Lauren Pohl

Our story follows four students at an elite boarding, 3 are best friends whose other friend recently died while the other is a new student. The 3 best friends aren’t convinced that their friend died by accident and together they embark on a mission to find out what really happened. As the book starts we realize that our main characters have similarities with the princesses of classic fairytales and this might not be a coincidence. Grimrose Girls is going to be a series but this first novel does have a complete story that gets resolved in the end. I’ll admit, this might be a bit of an outlier on this list. It reads like most YA and there’s nothing especially remarkable about it but I loved the story and the mix of dark academia and fairytales. It was fun and I didn’t want it to end.

3. What Big Teeth by Rose Szabo

Wow this was a bizarre book and I loved every minute! I don’t even know if I can give much of synopsis besides saying that our main character has been estranged from her family and attending boarding school but a mysterious accident causes her to return home for the first time in years. Witches, werewolves, a mother that must always be wet and a strange visitor who never shows his eyes are just some of the weird things found in this book. You will have no idea what is going on when you first start the novel but it won’t be in a frustrated way. You’ll be intrigued with this bonkers family and won’t be able to put the book down.

2. Mirrorland by Carole Johnstone (Trigger Warnings under the cut)

Identical twins Cat and El no longer speak and Cat moved away to America to escape her sister. But when El goes missing, Cat is forced to return to the childhood home they shared and to the man they both loved. El’s husband suspects foul play but Cat knows her sister is just being dramatic and finds herself vindicated when a scavenger hunt clue shows up for Cat. The clues (that have to be from El) lead her back to Mirrorland, the fantasy world the two created and lived in as children and Cat must face her forgotten past in order to find her sister. The mystery of this book was great with many twists but where it really shines is within Mirrorland and the shared dark fantasies the twins created. Page turning, imaginative with an utterly explosive ending, I gobbled this up. 

1. The Last House on Needless Street by Catorina Ward (Trigger Warnings under the cut)

I’ll start this off by saying this was disturbing and it will make you uncomfortable. Our story revolves around a family of 3: Ted, a strange man that keeps to himself, his daughter Lauren who is not allowed to leave the house, and Olivia, their cat who likes to read the Bible. There’s not much more to say as the book is really a slow burn as we dive into Ted’s life and slowly pull back his layers. And that cat I mentioned? She is a main character that gets her own chapters and thoughts and it is so well written. If a cat could narrate their day, this author nailed it. If you are interested and not easily disturbed, I really recommend not reading the trigger warnings as it might spoil some of the story. 

Mirrorland TW: Incest (off page)

The Lest House on Needless Street TW: Child abuse, kidnapping and animal cruelty (not too graphic)

General for almost all of these books: Murder, blood, gore

[junkonthebrain]

How come I haven’t seen the gif of that sexy badass fight where Mother Superion as the Warrior Nun took out the entire militia???? 🥵🥵🥵 holy euro trash jesus she was so hot. I’ve watch that one scene at least 50 times now.

[musings-of-a-rose]

Of Love and Mud:❤50 FOLLOWERS THANK YOU!!!❤

Of Love and Mud

Pairing: Francisco "Frankie/Catfish" Morales x F!reader

Word Count: 8643 (this was supposed to be a short one shot WHAT HAPPENED)

Rating: M- Mature. 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story.

Notes: I just noticed that I hit 53 followers the other day and I can’t describe how honored I feel that each of you follow me. Being so new to this fandom and SUPER new to writing, I fully expected no one to follow me. And now I have 53 of you! So to celebrate that and to thank you, I grabbed this one-shot idea from my WIP and present it to you as a humble offering. Thank you for following me!

(Reader is you despite what available stock photos may provide (we need to change this!))

**I give full credit for the smut scene idea to @astoryisaloveaffair. She's created a monster and I'm ok with that 😉

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

You’re hanging out at home, resting from a long week at work. You promise yourself that you won’t leave your home all weekend, having done grocery shopping after work the day before. You intend to spend it lounging around, snacking, napping, and binging crappy tv/movies. You’re doing just that, fluffy sock clad feet curled under you as you munch on some chips, laughing at the evil llama in the movie you’re watching, appropriately called Llamageddon. A knock on your door pulls you from your film and you pause it, getting off the couch and walking quietly to the front door. You look out the peephole and see someone you hadn’t seen in years. Wasn’t he supposed to be in Colombia? You open the door to see Santiago Garcia, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“Did you get my text?”

“I haven’t seen you in at least 3 years and not even a hello?” You smirk at him and you move to hug each other. Friendship with Santi came easy, especially since you’ve saved each other’s lives multiple times during your time served together in Delta Force. You had missed him over the last 3 years. He went back to his mother’s home land to try and help “empower the people to police themselves”. You’d heard from him a handful of times, but you knew he had to be super busy and not necessarily in service range.

“Come in, Pope,” you step back to let him in and he crosses your threshold, taking a quick look around.

“Another exit out back through the kitchen. Only 1 bedroom and 1 bath,” you say to him as you close the door.

“You always could read my mind.”

“It’s because I think the same way as you. Which terrifies me.” You both laugh as Santi takes his shoes off, stowing them by the shoe rack.

“Drink?” you offer.

“Please.”

“Make yourself at home!” you say as you walk into the kitchen and grab him a glass of homemade lemonade. You come back to the living room and find Santi sitting on the couch, having shoved your blankets to the side to make room for him. You hand him the glass and sit down next to him as he takes a sip.

“Damn. You always could make amazing lemonade.”

“That’s why y'all kept me around.”

“Yeah that’s totally the only reason.”

He takes another sip as you study his face. The only way you can tell he’s aged is by the appearance of more greys in his curls. How is that fair?

“So...did you get my text?”

“I did. Pope, I don’t know. I don’t really do that kind of stuff any more.”

“I know. But I need you, Spectre.” You knew he was using your nickname to get you to reminisce and give in.

“Santi-”

“You were always the best at stealth. Cat wasn’t bad but even he admits you were the best.”

You stiffen at the mention of Frankie and move to grab your cup off the coffee table to take a sip. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Santi.

“You haven’t spoken to him since you helped him get clean?”

You swallowed hard. Looking down at the contents of your glass you shake your head. “No. He made it quite clear that I didn’t need to be there to watch him. I insisted that’s what friends do but that seemed to anger him more.”

“So...you never told him how you felt about him?”

You shake your head again before looking at Santi. “What’s the point? He married that...woman. I won’t be a homewrecker.”

Santi picks up his cup to take a drink. “So you haven’t heard?”

“Heard what?”

Santi takes a deliberately slow sip. Always one for dramatics. You watch him and feel your patience dwindling by the second.

“Is he ok?” you say with frustration.

“He uh.. He had a brief relapse, which caused his ex-wife to be able to get his pilot’s license suspended. He’s clean now though and doing much better.”

You stare at Santi, trying to process all of this information at once. “He’s...divorced?”

“That’s the first thing you pull from that?” Santi chuckles. “Yeah they got divorced about a year ago, shortly after she got pregnant.”

You spit your drink out involuntarily. “Cat has a KID??”

Santi wipes your drink from his face as you apologize profusely, wiping him clean with a napkin.

“Not how I thought taking a shower with you would go, but ok.” You punch Santi in the arm while he laughs.

“Yeah she just had the baby a few months ago. She served him papers just after she found out she was pregnant.”

“That must have been hard on Cat.”

Santi sighed. “It was. Hence the brief relapse.”

You nodded. “He’s ok now?”

“He’s clean, if that’s what you’re asking.”

You nod, taking another drink, Santi blocking his face while you smack his arm again.

“So...you in, Spectre?”

You stare into Santi’s eyes for a long moment, studying the intent behind them. “What’s everyone else doing?”

“They’re in for the recce.”

“Redfly too?”

“Of course.”

You look down at your glass, swirling it around and watching the contents follow suit. You had promised yourself you wouldn’t do things like this again.

“If you’re all in for the recce,” you sigh, “then I guess I am too.”

“Yes!” Santi claps once and hugs you tight.

“When do we leave?”

“Thursday.”

-------

You can’t believe you agreed to do this. You take an Uber to the airport, not wanting to spend the money on parking. You nervously tap your foot, picking at your pant leg anxiously as your ride pulls into the drop off zone. It’s just a recce. No live fire. You hop out, handing a cash tip to the driver and thanking him for the ride. Grabbing your small suitcase that you would later leave in a hotel, you hoist your carry on backpack over your shoulders and head inside. You find the airline that Santi had purchased tickets through and you check your luggage. You head through TSA, silently arguing with yourself the whole way. You can still back out…. No you can’t. You have to be there….but he will be there...that’s why you have to go… You make it through security and head to the bathroom before finding your flight. You stare at yourself in the mirror, trying to give yourself a pep talk. Your mind goes back to the first time you met everyone, back in basic:

You had met Frankie first and hit it off right away. He was charming, humble, nice, and not to mention the most handsome man you’d ever seen. You crushed on him hard right away but said nothing since you barely had friends and didn’t want to ruin anything. He eventually introduced you to the rest of his friends, Santi, Benny, Will, and Tom. You all became fast friends.

Graduating top of basic at your skill set (stealth/sniper), you were placed in Delta Force amongst your friends. You always had their backs, sometimes literally. You’ve carried them, injured, across enemy territory, and they have done the same for you. All of your bodies are permanently marked from your near death escapes. You were the only girl on their team but they never treated you any differently because of it, placing their full trust in you and you trusted them entirely.

When Frankie met her, you automatically didn’t like her. Thinking it was due to your protective nature (and your crush, if you’re being honest), you say nothing until one night when you all have too much to drink. You confess to Frankie how you don’t like his girlfriend, never have. He doesn’t allow you to explain, but argues with you, saying you were supposed to be his best friend. That night he storms out. You didn’t talk to him for over a year before Santi called you and begged you to help with Frankie and his addiction. You agreed and it took you a while to realize why - you were still in love with him. You helped him get clean, taking him to rehab, and helped him build himself back up when she had left him. Then she came back and you had to go, not speaking to Frankie since the day he told you to leave his house, that you didn’t truly care for him, that you’d done your job as a friend, that he was marrying her. That was 3 years ago. And now he’s divorced with a baby. A BABY.

Would he even talk to me? Does he even care? Does it matter?

You sigh, splashing water on your face and drying it before slinging your bag on your shoulders. You leave the bathroom and pull out your ticket from your pocket, finding your gate number which is, naturally, at the opposite end of the wing. You have time, so you stop at one of those newsstands, grabbing a bottle of water, a random magazine, and some overpriced gum. You walk down the walkway towards your gate when you spot them all sitting together, laughing and chatting. A smile stretches across your face as you look at them each in turn. They look good. Then your eyes land on Frankie and your smile falters, memories of your last encounter springing forward. Despite that, you can’t help but think how good he looks, curls flipping out from under his hat, that patchy beard he has, and those broad shoulders. As if on cue, Frankie turns and looks straight at you, locking his chocolate eyes to yours. Fuck me. You give him a small smile and wave, which he returns. You walk over to everyone and they all jump to give you hugs, Benny nearly knocking you over with his enthusiasm.

“You missed a great fight this week, Spectre!”

“Sorry Benny. Work was insane. All I could do to get through my shifts and then this guy shows up on my doorstep,” You toss a thumb over your shoulder towards Santi, who gives a chuckle.

“You love me and you know it.” Santi smiles.

“You got me there, Pope.”

Will leans in to give you a hug, holding you a little longer and murmuring in your ear “Don’t be too hard on him. He’s had a rough go.” You nod, and say back “I missed that Will-intuition.”

He steps back and smiles at you. “It wasn’t that far away.”

You nod, looking down before looking back up into his blue eyes. “I know. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much.”

Will pats your shoulder as you give him a small smile, which quickly turns to shock when Tom comes up and attempts to give you a hug. This feels like when Voldemort tried to hug Draco. You hug him, patting him on the back. Then he whispers in your ear “Lock it down. We need you to focus on the mission.” Ah. There it is. “Always.” You whisper back as he breaks the hug.

Frankie stands there awkwardly, shuffling his feet and looking a little lost. You decide to help him out and extend a hand to him. “You look good, Cat.” He looks at your hand and then at you. You see hurt cross his face momentarily before it’s gone and he shakes your hand. “You too.” A few more awkward moments pass before you break the tension, glancing at your watch.

“We’ve got a bit before they board. I’m going to grab some coffee. Want anything?” Benny asks for an espresso to which Tom says “No fucking way do you need an espresso.” Laughter at the shock on Benny’s face before you lean in and whisper “I got you.” Decaf. He winks at you and everyone else settles down in their seats. Santi agrees to watch your bag while you grab your drink.

You head over to join the line, which is at least 20 people deep. You stand there, debating on pulling out your phone and getting lost in the scroll for a bit when you feel him come up behind you. You would know his presence anywhere, any of them really, but specifically Frankie. Without turning, you say “I would’ve grabbed you a coffee if you wanted it, Cat.” He lets out a chuckle “How the fuck do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Know it’s us.”

You pause a moment. “It was my job.”

“Knowing us by our presence alone is not part of the job. How do you know?”

How do you explain that you can feel people? That you can just feel your boys? “This time? Your walk.”

“Excuse me?”

You laugh as you move up in line, finally turning to meet his gaze.

“You have a slight limp from that one guy that shot you through your calf.”

“I remember that. That fucking hurt. I don’t have a limp though.”

“You do. It's slight but it's there. I’ll never forget carrying your ass back to the bird for some ungodly amount of clicks."

“It wasn’t that far.”

“You didn’t have to walk it while carrying someone.”

He opens his mouth to say something else, but stops. “That’s true...Thank you.”

You nod. “It was my job.”

“No it wasn’t. You left your post when you saw me get hit. I remember you taking down what, 20 insurgents trying to get to me? You weren’t supposed to leave your post no matter what. Then you dragged me up a sandy dune and across some “ungodly” amount of clicks back to the bird, meeting up with everyone else, where you patched me up while I flew us out of there.”

You look down. “No one else was as good a medic as me.”

“I think you would’ve flown the helicopter if you knew how while trying to stitch me back up.”

“I asked you to teach me how to fly-”

“And I said no because then you wouldn’t need me around.” You chuckle but it’s laced with memory, the fear you felt that Frankie wouldn’t make it. You open your mouth to say as much, but Frankie cuts you off.

“You never needed me around. That much is evidently true.”

Your eyes flick up to his, bracing for a fight. But you find sadness and regret in his eyes and it makes you falter for a moment.

“You told me to leave, Cat.”

He grimaces at that. “Guess I was an idiot.”

“No argument here.”

You both move up in line, a loaded silence hanging between you both.

“I hear you have a baby now?”

Frankie’s eyes light up. “Yeah. She’s beautiful and tiny and perfect.”

You can’t help but smile at the look of sheer pride on his face. “She sounds amazing. What’s her name?”

“Carmen.”

“I love it. How old?”

“3 months.” A sadness creeps onto his face now. “I don’t get to see her as much as I’d like.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

Frankie nods. “We’re divorced. Spilt right after she found out she was pregnant. Well she didn’t tell me she was until after I signed the papers….no, it’s ok. She wanted to make sure we didn’t stick together because of the baby. She’s right - we would’ve done it and been miserable. Who wants to grow up around that?”

“Still. I’m sorry, Cat.”

He meets your eyes. “Yeah. I’m sorry too.”

You order your coffees and stress to the barista that the decaf coffee MUST be decaf but to leave it off the sticker. She laughs at that, completely understanding. You and Frankie make light conversation while waiting, him pulling out his phone to share a zillion pictures of Carmen with you. Proud Dad looks good on him. You grab your coffees and head back to everyone, feeling better about things than you did earlier. You hand Benny his coffee and Tom stands up angrily. You meet his eyes and give him a wink, and he sits back down, fighting back his smirk, knowing what you did.

They call you to board the plane and you all gather up your bags and head down the ramp. When you look for your seat you realize they’re in the rows of 2. You lean over to Santi and ask “You couldn’t have gotten us the middle 3 seats? 2 rows of 3?”

“No. Cheaper this way.” He doesn’t quite meet your eyes, which makes you suspicious.

“Pope, what are you-”

“Oh here’s my seat. Tom, you’re next to me.” Tom ushers you forward nicely a few steps so he can slide into the row, allowing Santi to have the aisle with his bad knees.

Benny comes up behind you, followed by Will.

“Move it, Spectre!” You pretend to be shocked.

“Is that any way to talk to a lady, Benny?”

“I don’t talk to ladies that way.”

You punch his arm as he laughs. Moving further into the plane a couple rows, you hear Benny say “Here’s my seat.” He sits and you lean back to muss up his hair. “Hey! Don't mess with the hair! Go sit down!” You laugh and move forward a step, turning to ask Will if he’s sitting with you. Before you can, you see Will turn to sit next to his brother, giving you a small smile and a wink. You turn back and look down at your ticket, double checking the seating number. You arrive at the row. That means I’m sitting with-

“Do you mind if I have the aisle? My knee has been acting up lately.”

His husky voice is right in your ear and it causes goosebumps to erupt across your skin. You had been so preoccupied you hadn’t even paid attention to him being there. I’m going to kill Santi.

“I uh..no problem. It’s yours.”

You crouch to sit down in the window seat, tossing your bag on the floor and opening it to pull out your water, some snacks, gum, and entertainment. You close your bag and shove it under the seat in front of you with your feet. Frankie sits down next to you and does the same, settling down and bumping your arm accidentally several times on the armrest. How are his shoulders this broad? Fuck.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to bump you.”

“It’s ok. Bound to happen.”

“How so?”

“Because you’re so-” you gesture at his shoulders.

“I’m so...what?”

You gesture again at his shoulders, hoping he won’t make you say it.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He mimics your gesture.

Why me? “You’re so...broad.”

He looks at his shoulders. “I am?”

You let out an exasperated sigh. “Oh come on. No one has told you that before?”

He thinks for a moment. “Not that I remember.”

“No one?”

“No?”

“Not one of the girls you’ve ever brought back home has commented that you’re broad?”

He chuckles, “Why would they?”

You turn to face him, disbelief etched across your face. “No one has said-” you change your voice mocking a random girl “- Oh Frankie! You’re so broad-” you squeeze his bicep and touch his shoulder, missing the way Frankie shifts in his seat “-you’re so strong! I bet you could pick me up or rail me against the wall, hehe!” Frankie looks at you, shifting in his seat some more. “I uh...they...uh..no?”

“I call bullshit.”

“No, really.”

“Having been carried by you, you are strong as fuck. I can tell you - the people you’ve dated seriously lack imagination if they never thought to tell you that.” The words leave your mouth before you can stop them and you try to cover up the rising heat to your cheeks by fumbling with your headphone cord, trying to not look Frankie in the eyes.

“I’m going to take a nap, Cat. I have a feeling Pope will be keeping us up all night.”

You shove your headphones in your ears, turn on your music, and try to wad up your coat for a pillow to lean against the window, closing your eyes when you finally get somewhat comfortable. You miss the smile that plays on Frankie’s face as he puts in his own headphones.

-------

The flight ends and you feel a hand on your thigh, gently shaking you. You slowly open your eyes, realizing you're not against the window. You sit up and look at Frankie, realizing you must have shifted over to his shoulder at some point while you slept, noticing a wet spot where you drooled on his shirt.

“Oh my God, Cat. I’m so sorry,” You reach in your bag for some napkins, trying to blot at his shoulder. He laughs, watching you juggle trying to apologize without meeting his eyes.

“It’s ok Spectre. Not the worst bodily fluid I’ve had on me.”

“Still, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...invade your space.”

“You didn’t. You were so uncomfortable, you kept moving and sitting up, half asleep trying to stretch and punch your coat. Eventually, you sat up and just shifted over to my shoulder.”

“Oh God. Sorry Cat.”

“If it was a problem, I’d have moved you back. I didn’t mind at all, really.”

You locked eyes with him for a moment, before clearing your throat. “We better pack our shit up.”

-------

You all get off the plane, following Pope through customs and to where he has a rental truck waiting. Your checked luggage gets handed off to an employee of Pope’s, who will get them to the hotel you’ll eventually end up at. It doesn’t matter much as you have everything you truly need with you in your backpack.

You all pile in the truck, Pope driving while Frankie begrudgingly sits in the passenger seat, not used to not being the one driving or flying. You stare out the window as you start the long trek to where the recce will happen, pulling a sleepy Benny to your chest to let him sleep. Eventually, you make it to the middle of the jungle, literally the middle of the jungle, and run the recce.

-------

At the restaurant that night, you all sit there and laugh, reminiscing about your time in Delta Force and things that happened after. The food was delicious and the drinks strong. Santi eventually tells you all about his plan - to avoid bringing in the government and taking down the drug lord yourselves, pocketing the money. After some debate, you all cautiously follow Tom, who agrees to do it, whether driven by the need to prove himself after being forced to retire or the lure of so much money being so easy to take you're not sure.

The mission was meticulously planned but no one would have guessed that Tom would be the reason to miss their hard out, greed outweighing his normally overly cautious nature that has saved you all so many times before. You take out several guards from your position in the trees, angrily speaking into your earpiece “What the fuck are you guys doing? Hurry up!” They eventually leave, and you meet up with Benny at the main gate, both of you hopping in the van pissed off.

You arrive at the tarmac and wait for the helicopter, watching Santi talk to his informant. You look from one to the other, seeing Santi look at her like he’s looked at no one else. He better find her when this is all over. The helicopter makes its appearance. You hear arguing behind you and turn to watch Frankie argue with Tom, something about the weight being too much. You don’t hear all of it but see the look of giving in against his better judgement on Frankie’s face and everyone moves to start loading up the helicopter. You drop off the informant and her..brother? Your spanish is shit so you don’t quite make out what they’re saying. Santi gets back in the helicopter and you hear Tom basically saying you should have killed them. He’s losing his mind, you realize. A little after you take off, you make your way to the cockpit and sit in the seat next to Frankie. He looks at you and smiles nervously.

“You ok, pilot?”

“Yeah. I just...I wish there wasn’t so much weight on her.”

“Frankie Morales caring about weight on a girl?”

He scoffs “Never. I meant the bird.”

You frown. “Is that going to be a problem?”

He frowns back. “I’m not sure yet. But I don’t have a good feeling about it.”

You watch him quietly for a few moments. You always loved watching him fly. The way he controlled the helicopter, flipping switches now and again, the pure look of concentration and exhilaration he always wore when flying..it was incredibly sexy. Before you can get yourself into trouble, you shove your thighs together and try to hide it by standing up, grabbing Frankie’s bicep and giving it a squeeze.

“I trust you, Cat.”

You check on Will, who had been grazed back at the compound, and fall asleep next to him, hand in his in case he needs something. A time later, you’re woken up by the helicopter lurching. That’s not good. Pope tries hitting a button on the wall to release the load you carry below, but it doesn’t work. Before you can offer to do it manually, Benny starts crawling down the rope. Then everything goes to shit. The heli starts spinning out of control, Benny having let go of the rope moments before. You spiral down towards the ground, hearing Frankie try to calmly gain some control to help her land without smashing into the ground. You think I should’ve told Frankie I love him. Then the heli hits the ground hard, spinning around and eventually landing on its side, skidding several feet before stopping. You had managed to hang on during the hard landing, but you're definitely banged up. Running a quick internal diagnostic, you touch your body fast to check for shrapnel or other major issues. Finding none, you drop down to the side of the helicopter, which is now the ground. You hear Benny and Will, and in the distance you think you hear Tom. “Cat?” You try to speak louder, cough, and try again, making your way towards the cockpit. “CAT!” you manage to yell as you get to the cockpit, pulling yourself up and in, seeing Frankie slumped against the side window, which is now the ground. “Frankie!” You move to him, scanning his body for major injuries. There are none, aside from a good gash on his head. You shake him, hearing Benny scream his name from outside the helicopter. “Hold on Benny. I gotta get him out first.” You grab his face and smooth your hands over his cheeks. “Cat...hey Cat… wake up. We’ve uh..landed.” It takes a moment, but his eyes open and find yours.

“I’m ok. Shit, is everyone ok?”

You run your hands over him, searching for the buckle to release him. “I think so. I haven’t heard Pope. Shit, Cat this is stuck. Stay still.” You pull a knife from your vest, pop it open, and cut him out, Frankie catching himself before he hits the ground.

Benny shouts “Cover yourselves!” And starts kicking in the window. When he breaks it, you crawl out, Benny helping Frankie to crawl out of the helicopter. You see Santi stumble towards the helicopter and you jump down running to him and throwing your arms around him.

“Are you ok?”

“A little banged up but yeah. I think we’re all ok.”

-------

Your training kicking in, you feel the villagers before you see them. You grip Santi's arm and whisper "We've got company." He glances up and finally sees the villagers making their way to the load you dropped. You both move back to Tom, who has Benny and Frankie go higher while you stay back with Will. You protest, being the better shot if needed, but Tom points out you're the best medic and Will is injured. You grudgingly agree and move towards Will who says to you "You should be up there, not here with me."

"Next time, don't get shot." He sits down and you angle yourself to check his wound while still keeping the villagers in your line of sight, watching Tom and Santi walk towards them. You tap the mic in your ear, temporarily forgetting they were dead.

“Shit. I can’t hear them, Will.”

“I’m fine. Get up there and have a look. Go around the back and keep low.”

You nod at him and head around the back of the chopper, moving with all of your stealth training. You manage to scale the bird, settling on your belly with the binoculars you had in your vest. You make a mental note of Frankie being to your left on a ridge and Benny on your right on a lower ridge. You put the binoculars to your eyes and don’t like what you see. You can tell Santi is trying to diffuse a situation, hands out in front of him. You see it before you hear it - a shot ringing out and one of the villagers dead on the ground. Tom shot a civilian. You register that a second shot came from where Frankie sits hidden in the grass, but the man had gone down before it. More shots follow and there’s several dead villagers on the ground. You watch Benny join them as Frankie follows suit, everyone on alert trying to get the villagers away from the net. You get off the helicopter and head back around to Will, who’s already standing. You give him a serious look.

“You ok to walk?”

“Of course. A little scrape won’t stop me.”

You nod. “Just tell me if it does. I can help.”

He nods back at you and you both raise your weapons, heading towards the village.

-------

Donkeys. It had to be donkeys. Horses you could deal with, horses you loved, but donkeys? All stubborn, the lot of them. It’s no wonder the word for donkey and the word for stubborn are virtually the same in multiple languages. You help them load up as many bags as they could carry, stowing the rest on your backs. You take an extra bag, grabbing Will’s before he could get it.

“Absolutely not,” you say, grabbing a second bag that Will tried to grab.

“We each need to pull our own weight, Spectre.” Will gives you a stern look.

“Yes, but you’re not at 100% right now. Take it easy. We won’t give you a lesser cut.” You try to keep a straight face but fail and Will smiles back, shaking his head.

“You always were a strict medic.”

“You’re alive, aren’t you?”

You start your lengthy trek up the side of the mountain through the jungle. You cross streams where you didn’t want to think about what creatures were hiding in it. Shortly after the river, it started to rain. Of fucking course. You all trudge through the rain for a while, but as the sun sets and it starts to get cold, Tom stops everyone and says to set up a cold camp. This is great. You all manage to find spots up against ledges or under trees or their low canopies, trying to avoid as much of the rain as possible. You make sure Will is in a spot to stay as dry and warm as possible, tossing his poncho over him. You clean his bandage as everyone settles into their spots for the night. You notice Frankie sitting away from everyone, knees pulled up, hands shoved in his jacket pockets. The boys start talking while you finish your work, hearing Frankie say “I was too quick on the trigger. You know, and I know it.” A pause.

“I killed those people.”

“No you didn’t,” Benny says, his usual excitable energy absent from his voice. “We all did.”

You finish with Will’s bandages and tell him to keep it dry, handing him a couple ibuprofen. You watch Frankie from the corner of your eye, your heart aching for him. You put the bottle away and see Frankie stand up, moving away from the group.

“Go check on him.” Will speaks in your ear, echoing the thought in your head. You nod and leave your pack there with a small smile from Will, following the path Frankie took away from the group. About 30 feet away, there’s a fallen log on the ground in a tiny clearing, mud all around it. You see Frankie sitting on the log, rain falling down around the brim of his hat. His face is hard, pensive. You know that look. He pulls his arms from his jacket and puts his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands. You’re drawn to him, wanting to help, wanting to make him feel better, wanting to tell him what you saw, wanting to proclaim your love to him. You walked over and sat next to him on the log, placing a hand on his back.

“You didn’t kill those people, Cat.”

“I did,” comes a muffled reply.

“You didn’t. I...saw the whole thing.”

Frankie turns to look at you, moving his hands from his face. “You saw? What happened?”

You take a deep breath. “I saw Pope trying to diffuse a situation. I saw Tom pull out his weapon. He shot first, Cat. I saw it. The man went down before your shot went off. Tom killed those people.”

Frankie studies your face, looking for any clue that you’re lying to him to make him feel better. He finds none and nods, looking down at his hands.

“I landed the bird terribly.”

You scoff. “Are you serious? If it hadn’t been you flying, it would not have ended that well.”

He nods, picking at his hands.

“Actually,” you confess, “For a moment, I...I thought I was going to die.”

Frankie looks up at you, eyes full of concern.

“Not from your flying but from the whole situation. The bird started to flip and I thought that was it.” You take a deep breath. “You want to know what my last thought was?”

Frankie’s expression changes from concern to curiosity. “What?”

It’s your turn to look down at your hands. You get a second chance to tell him. Do it. “It was of you.”

Silence. Then, “Me? Why would you think of me?”

You look up at Frankie, who was already watching your face. His big brown eyes stare back at you, with that lost puppy look and you can feel the electricity in the air. You start breathing a little heavier and vaguely notice he does the same. He glances down at your lips and that’s all it takes. You both close the distance between you, crashing your lips against each other’s. Frankie’s tongue licks against your lips, begging entrance, and you open your mouth immediately, turning to slot your head better against his. Your hands frantically grasp at each other, pulling close, running down your wet clothes. You grab his hat and toss it, running your fingers through his curls as Frankie moans into your touch. Eventually, you pull away from him and rest your forehead against his for a brief moment before pulling back. Frankie looks at you, an apology forming on his lips, mistaking the meaning of your pull back, thinking he’s finally gone too far.

“I love you, Francisco Morales.”

He grabs the back of your head, pulling you towards him, kissing you hard and passionately. A few seconds goes by before he pulls away, you leaning forward from the force of his kiss.

“I love you too.”

Rain pours on you as you both crash into each other again. Lips and tongue moving without abandon, hands moving frantically, searching for zippers, buttons, ties, whatever is holding the clothing on. You pull back to yank your vest off and he copies the move, setting yours behind you on the log and his behind him. You pull him towards you this time, gripping his curls for a moment while his hands hold your jaw, reaching around to hold the back of your head. You move your hands down to his jacket and you feel his hands trace down you, finding the zipper on your jacket but hesitating. He pulls back to look at you and you nod, whining out a “yes”, crashing back into him. Zippers become too hard so Frankie puts his hands under your wet shirt and pushes your bra up, massaging your breasts. You pull back to whine into the rain, throwing your head back and Frankie pulls you closer to suck your neck. You moan out his name and he pinches your nipples hard, lightly pulling on them, causing you to moan again. His hands roam down and find your belt, opening it and attempting to undo the button on your pants. You're not at a good angle for this so Frankie growls and pushes you down into the mud. You hit the ground with a squelch and you can’t find it in yourself to care. Frankie is on top of you, both of you frantically trying to undo your pants. He finally manages to undo your pants, both of you trying to shove them down. You manage to shuck off one boot and you pull your pants off that leg, leaving them dangling from your other one. Rain continues to soak you both as Frankie sits up and moves to undo his pants, your hands trying to help him get the zipper down. You manage to undo the zipper and he yanks down his pants, his cock springing free as he does so. You barely have time to register how thick he is before he wipes his hand on his jacket and runs it through your seam, checking to see if you’re wet enough. It’s not the rain that’s making me wet. Satisfied with whatever he felt, he kneels over you, placing one hand on the side of your head, sinking slightly into the mud, and stroking himself with the other, lining himself up before looking for consent one last time.

“Yes, yes. Please,” you whine out the last word and Frankie groans, pushing into you slowly.

You throw your head back deeper into the mud below you and cry out, scrambling to find something to hold on to. You grip his biceps, flexing under your hands with restraint and holding himself up. He bottoms out and you both moan. He drops his forehead to yours and stays like that a moment.

“Fuck, you feel...so amazing… I couldn’t have...dreamed this.”

“You stretch me so...good… I can’t...I need you.”

Frankie kisses you, surprisingly chaste, staring into your eyes.

“I love you, Spectre.”

“I love you, Cat.”

He starts to move slowly and your breathing increases. You start panting and moaning with each slow thrust.

“Oh God...Cat...Cat…”

Frankie stops, worried he’s hurt you.

“Are you ok?”

“Please...don’t hold back.”

“....what?”

“Don’t hold back, Cat.”

His eyes grow darker with lust and he speeds up his thrusts, hitting you hard and deep. You don’t care if they can hear you - you moan his name loudly, your whine being chopped up due to his thrusting. He grips your thigh and slings it over his hip, thrusting even deeper and hitting a spot inside you that makes you see stars. Your hands grip his biceps harder and you leave marks in his skin, even through his clothing. He uses his other hand to grip the log behind you for purchase and slams into you. You sink deeper into the mud with every thrust, hearing the squelch, squelch, squelch as you sink. You grip his ass, helping him to fuck into you, despite your head inching perilously close to the log. You feel the coil of desire burning in your belly, quickly rising and you know you’re close.

“Fra-Fran-Francisco!” You don’t get a chance to tell him you’re close when you explode, coming undone around him, yelling his name, feeling your arousal leak out of you as you writhe under him. He continues to fuck you through your orgasm, mumbling dirty thoughts in your ear. You feel his hips start to sputter, and he croaks out:

“Where? Where can I..fuck, WHERE?”

“I’m safe! Fucking fill me up, Francisco!”

Frankie comes with a growl ending in a loud moan and you feel his warmth spreading inside you, leaking out of you. He leans over you, resting his forehead to yours and taking deep breaths. You reach around his head and tug his curls and he moans a little, moving in to kiss you.

“I fucking love you so much, Spectre.”

You chuckle “Good. Because I’m going to need you to help me get this mud out of my ass.”

-------

You somehow manage to get the mud off of you, wiping off your body with a spare shirt from Frankie’s bag. He tenderly wipes you down, kissing your skin as he cleans it. Most of the mud washes off your clothing due to the rain still pouring down. You both clean up as best you can, toss ponchos over yourself and walk back to your friends, you now limping slightly. Frankie notices and can’t help the grin that spreads across his face, putting his dimple on full display.

You arrive back at camp and notice that everyone is sleeping. Or at least pretending to sleep. You definitely weren’t quiet back there. You both huddle under an upturned tree trunk, sitting close together for some sort of warmth, leaning on each other to catch some sleep.

“Did you get the mud out of your ass crack?” Benny’s voice rings out through the rain. You can hear everyone else chuckling and shushing Benny.

“As a matter of fact I did - wait. How did you know there was mud in places it shouldn’t be?”

“I uh...drew the short straw to check on you. Nice form by the way, Cat.”

“Shut the fuck up, Benny.” Frankie says, a small smile on his lips.

“Spectre seemed to love it, Francisco.”

“You’re lucky I’m too wet to come over there and beat you.” You say.

“I bet you’re wet.”

-------

The rain lets up and everyone changes to dry clothes, adding more layers as you head up the mountain. On the side of the mountain, one of the donkey’s goes over, nearly taking Frankie with it. Everyone starts to bicker as Tom just seemed to care about the money. You wanted to run to Frankie and never let him go, but you were stuck behind Will’s donkey. You make it to higher ground and eventually have to ditch the donkey’s, Frankie scaring them off by yelling and waving his arms. You all start the long, cold trek up the mountain. That night, Benny starts a fire and burns money, Tom eventually joining in. The fire makes you uneasy, despite wanting the warmth. Who would follow you up here?

Villagers. That’s who.

Tom was dead. You took turns dragging his body the rest of the way down the mountain. You all decided Benny should go ahead and make sure the boat was still waiting for you. You had volunteered to go but were turned down because Will was injured and you were still the best medic of everyone. That night, the 4 of you threw your bags into a pile and laid against it, each on a side. You stare off, trying to process what has happened in the last few days. You hear Frankie speaking and you catch a few words. “...back on our game….this stops now, you understand?” You hear Santi mumble an affirmative and you zone out again, missing the question Will poses about how many people you’ve killed.

The sun sets further and you’re still freezing. You get up and walk over to Will, intending to check on his wound, but he’s fast asleep. You pass by Pope who is at least pretending to be asleep. You stop at Frankie and look down at him, meeting his deep brown eyes with your own. Without speaking, Frankie opens his arms and beckons you towards him. You sit and scoot up next to him, placing your head on his chest while he envelopes you in a hug. You sit like that for a long while, listening to each other breathe.

“You nearly died.” The words come out of you, nearly a whisper, but Frankie hears them.

“Which time?”

“On the mountain, when the donkey went over.”

He pauses. “That poor donkey.”

“Of course… but for a moment, my heart stopped. I thought you had gone over with the donkey and I had just gotten you back, finally admitted how I felt and by the grace of whatever force you seemed to feel the same about me. And I thought you were....” your voice cracked on the last word and you started to cry. Frankie held you closer, kissing the top of your head.

“Sshh. It’s ok. I’m ok. I’m right here.”

You nod into his chest. “I know. But you almost weren’t. And then Tom was yelling about the money that was lost and I was so...furious with him. It’s like he didn’t care that you nearly died.” You stare at Tom’s body bag as you confess to Frankie, who continues to hold on to you while you speak.

“I told him to get his priorities straight and he told me to fuck off. I was so mad at him...and I still am.”

Frankie kisses the top of your head again. “There’s no need to hold on to that anger. What’s done is...done.”

“I feel guilty.”

“For what?”

You continue to stare at the body bag. “For not feeling as sad as I should that he’s gone.”

Frankie shifts and pushes you up, grabbing you chin lightly to tilt your face up to him. He finds your reddened eyes and smiles at you.

“You are not a bad person.”

Tears roll down your cheeks again as you nod. “To be clear,” you say “I would never wish him dead.”

“I know, Spectre. It’s not your fault.”

-------

Benny comes back and you run to him, jumping into his arms and asking if he’s ok. He brings good news - the boat is waiting for you. Not being able to carry all the bags of money plus Tom down the rest of the way to the boat, you all stash the money bags down in a ravine. You notice Will scribbling on a piece of paper but say nothing.

Somehow, you make it to the boat after nearly having to take out an entire teenage brigade. You manage to haul Tom’s body onto the boat and you all collapse together, thrilled to just be alive. You make it to the town that houses the bank that Santi had setup for the money to go through. Before you go, you all check into the hotel Santi had booked, everyone looking forward to a hot shower and sleep.

You walk into your room, drop your bag, and see your suitcase waiting for you. You open it and grab out the first clothes you see and your toiletry kit, kicking your boots off on the way to the bathroom. You take a hot shower, just standing in the water for a long while, mulling things over. Eventually, you start to wash and find mud still in your hair. You grab it and squish it around your fingers, smiling as the memory comes back to you. You finish washing and shaving and get dressed, drying your hair before you step out of the steamy bathroom.

You move to go lay on your bed, intending to pass out for however long your body wants to sleep for, but instead toss on the sneakers you had in your bag and open your door to find Frankie standing there, fist in the air like he was about to knock.

“Shit! Cat, you scared me.”

“First time I’ve ever been able to sneak up on you.” He chuckles while lowering his hand.

“I must really be out of it.”

You reach out and touch his freshly shaven face, running your hand along it.

“Why’d you shave?”

“Got tired of that sorry excuse for a beard I suppose.”

“I love your patchy beard.”

Frankie cocks his head. “What?”

“The little patches where no hair grows?”

“Ugh yeah. I can never grow a beard. Pope can, Will’s is glorious too.”

“Well I love your patches.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

You look at his shirt, a grey button up with white cranes printed all around it.

“What...the fuck are you wearing?”

Frankie looks down at his shirt. “What? I like birds.”

You laugh and can’t stop laughing at the serious expression on his face.

“You don’t think I can pull this off, Spectre?” He’s smiling, but also asking for your genuine opinion.

“You won’t have to because I’ll pull it off for you.” You grab his shirt and pull him towards you and he immediately kisses you, backing you into your room. You kick off your sneakers and Frankie closes the door behind him, all without breaking the kiss. You reach up to unbutton his shirt and you realize he’s only buttoned 3 of them. You pull away to look at his shirt and you can’t help but laugh.

“Hey now, I do like this shirt-”

“You’ve only done up 3 buttons??” You laugh harder at that, causing Frankie to blush.

“Yeah I uh...I guess so.”

“You’re so fucking adorable. I love you so much.” The words leave your mouth and your laugh dies. You hadn’t discussed what happened in the jungle and, even though he was kissing you, you didn't know if he really meant what he said or if it was an “in the moment” type thing.

“Shit, Cat. I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you...uncomfortable.”

He studies you for a moment. “Spectre, what happened between us in the jungle, what we said to each other- what I said to you,” Ah here it is, the ‘I didn’t mean it’ speech that will kill me.

“It’s ok, Cat. You don’t have to.. I get it. I-” you turn away from him and move to walk a few steps away, but his hand grips your arm and holds you firm.

“What are you talking about?”

You don’t look at him but speak softly “I know what you’re about to say so just please...say it.”

“Spectre, I-”

“Just say it, Cat.”

He tugs at your arm trying to get you to turn around but you fight against it and yank your arm from his grip. You take a couple steps away, choking back tears. Frankie calls your name, your real name, which makes you freeze.

“I love you. I mean it, Spectre. I love you. And if you don’t feel the same, I’ll have to deal-” Frankie’s words are cut short as you spin around and throw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him. His arms wrap around you, holding you impossibly close, no longer hindered by tact vests and thick clothing. You pull back and look at him, giving him a small smile.

“I love you, Francisco Morales.”

Frankie smiles at you briefly before moving to kiss you again, slotting his nose alongside yours. The shirt soon makes its way to the floor and the rest of your clothes join it as you and Frankie stay intertwined in your bed and you never leave each other again.

-------

Author's Note: Yes, Llamageddon is a real movie. Yes it used a real llama during filming (it wasn't hurt). Yes the movie is available to stream on Prime. You're welcome in advance for that cinematic wonder.

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