#as if a living human & a ghost falling in love isnt the MOST angst

[imperfectfools]

((remember the “In Love With A Ghost AU” prompt you reblogged a month back?))

Maya looks up from the souvenirs she’d been toying with at the Kurain tourist center.  Out of the corner of her eye, she’d seen – “Hey, you’re back! Did you have something you wanted to tell me? Wait, before I forget — I didn’t ask your name last time.” 

She doesn’t usually see the same spirit enough times to become familiar with them, but this young woman had come to her to warn her that someone was in danger, and then had kept coming to make sure the guy was okay, and then had kept coming, period. This was supposed to be discouraged, but… she was good company.

((I can change anything if you want!))

Franziska walks over, just close enough to be polite. Maya is asking about reasons for her presence and she... doesn’t have any. Nothing significant. Nothing worth bothering the living over.

She’s bored.

There’s no courts in the afterlife and barely anyone to talk to. There’s only two other living people she can even visit, neither of whom can see her and only one of those two she actually wishes could see her.

But Maya talks to her and was helpful when she needed it most. And she didn’t get annoyed when she kept dropping by in worry nor did she try to tell her to move on and stick in the afterlife.

Still, she can’t just say that she’s bored. Such a reason is both childish and foolish, so she’ll answer the other question.

“Franziska. My name is Franziska.” She has decided her last name doesn’t matter anymore. The dead don’t need the pity of the living.

[bittybattybunny]

I'm enjoying the various facts of the RuClipse Aus, mostly because I was planning to do RuClipse month. So Im curious how many you have? I know you got A LOT, I mean, I remember the list you post before and apparently you have more under your sleeve (Im looking at that Regis kills Eclipse D':). Im just curious as which ones are more present in your mind/you have more facts and lore. -from a RuClipse fan

dlkgjsdkgkldsngkladnklgsfd

I JUST

IM SORRY IM JUST BLOWN AWAY I HAVE FUCKING RUCLIPSE FANS

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE SHEER SHOCK THIS GIVES ME AND DELIGHT

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Speaking of Ruclipse month I’m makign a proper “banner” with teh prompts this is the WIp image

As for Aus!!

this is gonna get long---

Ummmm The lsit wasn’t full full cuz like I have some AUs tied into others and some I’ve made since then... Like i have a number of Aus I don’t talk about since they are mostly JUST RuClipse focus like I have a Kelpie AU in which Arulius is a Kelpie who’s been trying to eat Eclipse since she was a child but winds up falling for her when she’s older because she’s facinating and eventually starts staying with her because humans age too fast. I also have a Red Riding Hood AU that’s cute fluff. Plus my Fairy Cinderella one.

IDK an exact number tbh I’d have to like. Sit and count.  I just like to write them cuz it’s relaxing and I really need that (like man i need relaxing... i had a break down at my day job and my manager had to drive me home by force cuz I wanted to keep working----but that’s because im a severe workaholic with some trauma involved with perfectionism)

Which are my focus/most lore

Right now it’s @eclipseofthehat that’s a big one!!! I’ve been working a lot on the comic scripts and figuring that plot out since I consider that AU kinda my “hub” Au in which everything else is the AU of if that makes sense?

Other than that I’m slightly obsessed with the Nutcracker AU and the Triassic Planet AU but I’m not the main writer on those so I can’t do much lore there.

Well I’m making a shit ton of angst in the Triassic Planet AU but that’s cuz Gin  is as angst fueled as I am.

The thing with me is I get inspired off pretty much anything and can come up with a full damn lore plot in a matter of hours.

Sometimes I go ham on them and they become full-fledged things (like the Lamia AU i have was based off of the simple fact of I was watching Anime, a lamia showed up and I went ‘hey what if’ and now I wrote about 7 short chapters i need to finish) or I just do a snippet (the phantom of the opera au. Like i do have the full plot figured. but I really just wanted to write a small snippet)

I have a lot of like partially written things I just worked on while I was bored, sometimes I sketch things randomly and run off.

I get stressed out pretty easily and over whelmed with day to day stuff so I use this as my escape.

anyhow here’s a smallish list of AUs i have rn I think are new from that list im too lazy to look up:

Under a read more CUZ IT GOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT

Lawbound (Hattie summoned poor law student Prynce Arulius Law who is dead by his fiancee’s hand and trying to solve his own murder. Chapter one is written to post Im doing the cover. chapter 2 is started. Epilogue is also already written)

Red is the Wolf (Red riding hood au, Eclipse is a young woman who’s slowly become a wolf forest spirit due to being born with too much magic. If she interacts with humans she’ll remains human. however she has a terrible fear of people. Her life gets thrown when she accidentally encounters the Prince in the woods and discovers he’s similar to her but his curse is more damaging. She winds up trying to break his curse while slowly falls for her)

The Snake prince (based off my favorite fable from childhood ‘the enchanted snake’ in which Arulius is a Prince who was turned into a snake for the sin of signing the order to execute the forest guardians. his fiance was unable to bear his snakeness and had him trapped in her basement where he escaped injured. he was found by folklorist Eclipse who is a witch and the lone survivor of the massacre. they have no idea of the other’s identity but this is the one AU he’s pretty open about his feelings and while she’s trying to break his curse they end up in love and eventually she has to do the kings trials and Ru semi breaks his curse and the two flee his father who wants her dead. I actually drew a really cute picture of right after eclipse properly breaks his curse. it’s a super fluffy au tbh)

Sunken Ship (new au from the past week. Eclipse is a sea witch who loves ship wrecks. she met the ghost of Arulius Law, a law student who passed away when his fiance shoved him off the sinking ship. She took his skull back to New york with her so he can try to move on. Bittersweet story of them growing close but he’s dead... but mermaids live a long time. and im a slut for reincarnation)

Whipped Water Horse (this is the kelpie au i talked about above. Arulius is a Kelpie who’s been threatened with a whip by Amaris Nightingale since she was a small child and she doesn’t fear the fae. ends up falling in love with her and saving her several times from her human suitors under the guise of “youre my target so no one can have you” has some major angst and some not so fun stuff nearly happen)

The contractor’s wish (Snatcher is a demon who has to grant the whims of those who form contracts by writing in the book he’s bound to. Eclipse found the book while cleaning her attic out and ends up freeing him without question. he sticks around and slowly recalls being human and how he wound up in his situation while trying to figure what his actual wish is)

Cute Barista (a coffee shop au with a cinderella twist. Amaris is a graphic design student who works at her brother’s cafe “the horizon” and attracted the attention of a law student named Arulius law who visits daily. Her brother tried to get him to piss off but sadly the two actually enjoy chatting with each other. As a peck you to her brother they start going on dates. She’s very down on herself and he’s secretly the reclusive prince who’s been in hiding because he’s afraid of peoples reactions after he was scarred by an accident in his youth. he’s trying to find the best way to tell her the truth but also doesn’t want to scare her away. He’s a single father in this having adopted Harriet while doing volunteer work)

the Art Student’s muse (this one is fully written i just haven’t posted it. Basically, Arulius is an art student who became obsessed with this one nude model they had. Like not persay in a creepy way she just captivated him. he gets a lot of shit from his best friend Vanessa but winds up keeping the model in mind despite not seeing her. In his senior year they cross paths again and she has a break down but they wind up together.)

Swapped (a short one shot chapter in which TLC eclispe wakes up as Moon guardian Eclipse and gets very confused emotions when snatcher kissed her)

Darkrai’s Wish (a pokemon au Ive posted one chapter of already in which Arulius is a darkrai but used to be human and doesnt remember this. he has to deal with being human again thanks to a little jirachi and dealing with the fact he loves Eclipse who has issues cuz he used to be a pokemon)

Wolf bite (Prince Arulius was cursed as a werewolf in his youth. as an adult when he got out one full moon he bit a village girl giving her the curse as well. She winds up nearly being burned at the stake for witch craft and he has her saved and brought to the castle. he’s trying to make it up to her but she’s understandably pissed off. It’s a lot of him trying to get her to be not angry but also they start liking each other and she helps teach him a lot about how the world works because he’s naive and sheltered)

Familiar (Amaris lives in a world magic exists. many people have famialars to help do day to day tasks and the more impressive your family the better. Most meet their famialar when they are children, however, Amaris didn’t. But one day her past returns and she is taking care of a small chubby dragon who to everyone else looks like a deformed ferret and has to learn her magic may not be as limited as thought as well as the truth behind her familiar and the strange young man who keeps stopping by her work with flowers for her)

The Prince’s Pet Snake (this is the lamia au. Eclipse is a dangerous lamia with venom to take down an army. Arulius is a naive prince who thought of her as an animal and came to realize she’s far more human than he thought and being dumb to the fact he loves her despite he’s engaged. Has a sad ending)

Tangled Adventure (tangled au: Arulius law was cursed by his wife and is now trying to find the horizon and the daughter of the moon to break it. he picks up a changling child along the way who’s also searching for the horizon to find out where she came from. they meet the daughter of the moon but it seems to break the curse isnt as simple as they think and after making a deal with her to show her the outside they get into trouble when the queen comes looking for her lost prince)

Going Ghost (a danny phantom au idk if i’ve mentioned at all lol. hat and bow are twins and friends of arulius and they are inspecting a weird floor at his girlfriend's house. he winds up getting stuck when they trigger a gate to the horizon and becomes the snatcher. thankfully MJ and Eclipse where there and can somewhat help him calm down but it’s nuts)

Princess and the Rogue (a fantasy Au in which Eclipse is a runaway princess who became a fighter and teamed up with the rogue Snatcher who was cursed after wooing a noble woman. the two have been traveling for a few years and have one of those totally love each other but wont say it but also the search for the princess is getting intense and his curse is getting worse.)

Undergrounded (this is just my undertale au. )

Skates on Point (an ice skating au. Arulius is part of a famous olypic duo, Amaris is a selective mute woman who teaches at her daoptive father’s rink and an ex-ballet dancer. her brotehr was the gold medalist in the olympics but had to quit when he lost the use of his legs in a car wreck. Arulius is stressed over his realtionship and skating and winds up going to skate at the owl express rink where he sees the young woman skating alone in the morning. the two wind up bonding and spending more time togehter and she with his urging and her brother’s urging starts skating competitivly while he starts show skating under and alias and the two wind up performing togehter and realize they may have a thing. Eclispe is in teh process of adopting two little girls but having issues and ru helps and its jsut a lot of healing for everyone. Chapter 1, 2 and 3 typed as well as various snippets)

The little sea wolf (a little mermaid au but eclipse is the mermaid and a sea witch who winds up befriending teh prince after she saved him from thugs. things get sticky when the mermaid princess fell for him after seeing the sea witch save him from a shipwreck and deamnds to have him. the sea witch beause of teh strain of her magic starts to break down and unless she gains a soul she’ll die. Sena punches ru in this one and its great)

So yeah thats the ones on top my head im sure i probs have more but i cant think

[auron570]

2018 Readlist

FAQ

Why do you read so many old books?

Because most of them belong to the public domain, and are thus freely available online. Also it is fun to see how much the past influences and creates the foundation for the present. And how much or how little has changed, and what this says about humanity.

 Orwell - Animal Farm (1945)

A satire on the Russian Revolution and the failure of communism. Among other things, Animal Farm underlines the importance of learning to read properly and think for oneself, in a way that tickles with dark humor.

 Orwell - 1984 (1949)

Similar to Animal Farm, 1984 is an even more systematic and total examination of a society where all history and information is tightly controlled and constantly being rewritten. Being published after WW2, 1984 trades some of Animal Farm’s humor for more serious and tragic imagery of concentration camps. In a sense, 1984 is an exploration of the possibility of mind control or brainwashing through societal-level propaganda.

 Huxley - Brave New World (1932)

Absolutely fantastic. If 1984 was about what would happen if everything we read was false, then Brave New World is what would happen if no one had the desire to read at all. Brave New World shows a futuristic society that runs like clockwork with the help of genetic engineering and a miracle drug called Soma. COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY. BNW examines the costs of a society that is mass-produced off assembly lines.

 Fitzgerald - Great Gatsby (1925)

A criticism of conspicuous consumption and the Roaring 20s. You can’t bring your mansion with you when you die. Mortality sucks that way. Throughout the novel we are invited to ask ‘what makes Gatsby (the character) so great?’ From rags to riches to death, Gatsby’s lonely existence is pitiable, tragic and relatable as ever.

 Steinbeck - Grapes of Wrath (1939)

Steinbeck’s illustration of the 1930s Dust Bowl and the resulting migration of impoverished families west across the United States, is a poetic masterpiece. ‘You want to work for 15cents an hour?! Well I got a thousan’ fellas willing to work 10cents an hour.’ Also featuring two of the strongest female characters in modern literature, Grapes of Wrath is a powerful lesson on human dignity.

 Shakespeare - Hamlet (1599)

The more I read Hamlet, the more I come to the conclusion that Hamlet is about delay of action. In a way, Hamlet forces himself to be penitent for something he doesn’t do. The more time he spends contemplating whether or not to kill Claudius, the more time he has to beat himself up and call himself a coward, and for accidents to pile up. ‘But put your courage to the sticking place!’ Hamlet is what happens when you ask a philosopher to commit murder.

 Shakespeare - King Lear (1605)

A lesson in parenting. If you want people (especially your children) to respect you, do not spoil them. Lear learns this lesson far too late, and gives up his inheritance far too early. Another possible lesson is to not trust liars, and instead divine a person’s character by their actions. The trouble is, with so much action going on behind the scenes, the opportunities for dramatic irony and treachery are twofold!

 Wilde - Picture of Dorian Gray (1890)

An example of 19th century Gothic Romanticism. And also, similar to Great Gatsby, another cautionary tale against conspicuous consumption. Dorian Gray, forever beautiful, forever young, is by all appearances the outward ideal of a dandy. As the novel develops, his cruelty and vanity plunge to increasing depths.

 Wilde - Importance of Being Earnest (1895)

The comedic side of being a dandy. If the suit makes the man, surely if I wear a different suit I become a different man? In a play of double-identities, love polygons and other trivialities, Earnest is a raucous upset of 19th century decorum.

 Ibsen - Hedda Gabler (1891)

A complex and cruel character, Hedda’s penchant for destroying the lives of others, seems to stem from bitterness and boredom toward her own life.

 Williams - Glass Menagerie (1944)

Theater is a box through which we view the lives of our fellow homo sapiens. Like passing by an exhibit at the museum, or peeking in on pandas at the zoo, Glass Menagerie presents a slice of life.

 McCourt - Angela’s Ashes (1996)

A coming-of-age memoir about an Irish boy growing up in an impoverished family. From the day he’s born to the day he becomes a man, memorable moments include: father always coming home drunk, scavenging for coal to get the fire going, stealing loaves of bread, shoes made of tire rubber, having an affair with a terminally ill girl, having pig’s head for Christmas, and wearing Grandma’s old dress to stay warm at night.

 Salinger - Catcher in the Rye (1951)

A tightly written story of teenage angst, about the few days after an unmotivated student drops out of a New York prep school. Unable to face his family, he wanders around the bustling city, growing increasingly depressed. Holden’s conversations with different characters throughout the novel, underline a simple moral that sometimes we just want someone to listen. (Preferably someone who isn’t a phony!)

 Shakespeare - Macbeth (1606)

A bloody and ambitious soldier descends into madness after the murders the King! It can be difficult interpreting and staging the supernatural elements of the play (e.g. do you show the ghosts on stage? what about the Witches? When, why). But remember Shakespeare is writing in a time hundreds of years before modern psychology, where memory and cognition was still immaterial and mysterious. Similar to Dorian Gray (1890), Macbeth is a moral on how one’s actions affect one’s mind.

 Albom - Tuesdays with Morrie (1997)

Succumbing to ALS near the end of his life, sociology professor Morrie Schwartz welcomes death with open arms. Hosting many visitors and having many conversations with family, friends, past students, the media, Morrie’s affable outlook on life and mortality shines.

 Golding - Lord of the Flies (1954)

An allegory on the state of nature. One wonders if/how the story may have been different (and possibly more horrifying and prone to censorship debates) if female characters were involved. I suppose that would be a separate inquiry. Unable to see beyond the horizon, and unwilling to look at themselves, Jack and his follows almost doom them all.

 Lowry - The Giver (1993)

Another science fiction dystopia in a similar vein as Brave New World or 1984, but less difficult and more relatable for teenagers. Those who enjoy The Giver, should check out the film Pleasantville (1998) featuring Tobey Macguire getting stuck in a black-and-white world. Naturally the lesson being that life is never so simple.

 Naipaul - Miguel Street (1959)

A collection of short stories centered around unique characters in a slum in Port of Spain. Featuring arson, domestic violence and plenty of eccentric amateurs, Miguel Street illustrates a colorful community.

 Thiong’O - Weep Not Child (1964)

Set during the Mau Mau Uprising against British colonial rule, Weep Not Child follows one boy’s goal of education. Meanwhile his family falls apart around him, and is cut off from his best friend.

 Montgomery - Anne of Green Gables (1908)

Having recently been adapted by CBC/Netflix into a series (which is very good), the original novel is full of comedy, quaint coming-of-age lessons centered around school, tea parties, accidents and adventures. But despite this levity, Anne ends with a tragic turn which places it well within the realm of reality.

 Shelley - Frankenstein (1818)

Another example of 19th century Gothic Romanticism (like Dorian Gray). Doctor Victor Frankenstein becomes obsessed with the idea of creating life from inanimate material, only to spurn his own creation just after giving life to it. The monster, filled with rage and envy, murders Frankenstein’s dearest friends. A sort of cautionary tale in the same vein as Doctor Faustus by Marlowe, Frankenstein is a counter-weight to the enthusiasm around science at the time. That science can not only produce miracles, but also horrors in its own way if one is not careful.

 Anderson - Winesburg Ohio (1919)

A collection of short stories revolving around a small community (similar to Miguel Street). Themes of religion, old age, loneliness, love, feeling stuck in a small town, Winesburg is full of some of the most heart-rending stories in all literature. Also Winesburg manages to accomplish a unity of themes in very short space. The whole of Winesburg is much more than the sum of its parts, such that it can stand just as well against other great novels.

 Bronte, Charlotte - Jane Eyre (1847)

One could argue that Jane Eyre is the predecessor to Anne of Green Gables. The latter frequently references the former, both are about orphan girls who grow up successfully in the face of many adverse challenges. While Anne ends with the protagonist becoming a young adult, Jane Eyre ends with a more traditional romantic happy ending, but like Anne is not without its tragedy.

 Bronte, Emily - Wuthering Heights (1847)

Fun fact, Wuthering Heights was a novel I considered doing an independent study essay on, but didn’t since I didn’t know anything about literature back then. Although technically of the gothic genre, Bronte primarily uses cruelty and domestic violence to evoke scenes of horror, as opposed to ghosts and monsters, while at the same time using these as tools to explore very down-to-earth themes of social class and gender inequality.

 Joyce - Dubliners (1914)

Very similar to Winesburg Ohio, but without the same unity. For example, one story is difficult to read without first reading about the history of Ireland. There are some tear-jerkers and lovely metaphors. For example the final metaphor of “snow falling faintly through the universe”, is a variation of the oft-used metaphor of flowers. How they bloom for a short period then die. What is new with this metaphor is that each snowflake is unique, thanks to the chaotic tumbling of water droplets through the atmosphere, just like how every live is unique. But all snowflakes much reach the ground some time and then melt away into nothingness.

[justanotherbuckydevotee]

lostmyhead - part 3

Word Count: 2,580  words. Prompt : Lovecraftian – Horrible and indescribable platonic love. Or in which you don’t know how to deal with your emotions. Warning(s): Angst. Reader being selfish (im sorry) A/N: SO LIKE IDK . My Final next submission for @hellomissmabel‘s 2k Birthday Celebration. Happy reading! Any feedback/criticism would be welcomed (like seriously this got out of control pls tell me what you think i don’t mind if its gonna hurt me). ps this isnt proofread. its 1.27 am and i have class in the morning im sorry for any mistakes! 

masterlist || series page  The Prologue || Part 1 || part 2 || Part 3 || part 4 

** gif not mine ** 

It’s late at night (or was it really early morning?) when Bruce comes out of one of the operating room, bringing good news about the other super-soldier of the Avengers team.

“It’s a strong sedative. Any normal human being could’ve been killed with the amount he was given, but he’ll be okay” Bruce explains, making Steve release a sigh that’s been constricting his chest, tightening his shoulders when he waited.

“He’ll wake up soon” Bruce adds, “I suggest only a couple of you at a time. He’ll be a little…” he continues, a hand gesturing to his head as he waves it around in circles. “Confused” he finishes his sentence.

A moment of silence follows, a heavy stillness that nobody dared to move, one other question lingering in their heads but are too scared to ask.

“And (y/n)?”

Bruce takes off the glasses that was perched on the bridge of his nose, fidgeting with it. There was no delicate way to deliver the news about you. “She’s… They’re still in the operating room”

Everyone held their breathe.

“The wound on her leg is easy. But the one on her hip is complicated. We don’t know if it’ll affect her ability to walk, whether it’s temporary or permanent. The injury she sustained on her head is” Bruce pauses, still not looking up at his team mates.

“It’s difficult to assess” he words.

Again, silence. Nobody knew what to say, trying to process everything that’s been said.

“Thank you” Steve breaks the heavy air with his words, before taking long strides to Bucky’s room. Bruce could only nod, eyes following the trail of Steve until the door to Bucky’s room is gently closed. It’s only after that did he look to the eyes of each of his team mates.

Wanda is biting her fingernails, a distant look in her eyes with an arm crossed against her chest. Sam is leaning against the wall deep in thought, his engineered backpack on the ground of his feet. Clint is right next to Natasha, both looking solemn.

“You guys should rest for a bit. It’s been a long day”. With that, he leaves.

Clint is mumbling words to Natasha, encouraging her to change and rest as he waits for more news of you. She’s shaking her head in protest. Sam looks utterly exhausted as he brings his hand over to his forehead.

“You guys should go. I’ll wait here” Wanda announces, taking a step from where she was only to look over the others. “I’ll come get you if anything happens” she continues, speaking to them but her eyes fully locked with Nat’s.

It’s all she can offer, and with what the day had entailed. Wanda was relieved to see them one by one caving into the need of their bodies. Natasha was the last to go, whispering tiredly to Wanda “please get me first, okay?”.

The smell of alcohol and medicine made Wanda feel all the more anxious, as she sits on the edge of her seat, waiting for more news. Her eyes kept going to the double-doors whenever a staff came in or out, scrubs slightly stained before disappearing down the end of the hallway before re-appearing again with a medical cart. She clasped her hands tightly, almost as if in prayer when Steve comes out of Bucky’s room. He looked drained but he can’t make it show that’s he’s actually scared right now, not when the youngest Avenger is sitting across the operating theatre alone.

“Hey” Steve greets, taking the seat next to her. “Why aren’t you in your bed? It’s late” “I promised them I’ll wait”

He could only nod.

“How’s Bucky?” “He’s okay. He’s finally asleep”

The double-doors swing, a team of doctors and nurses filing out, a gatch bed with machines and wires tangled with each other and on it is you. They’re pulling you to a room next to Bucky, passing by Steve and Wanda. Their eyes fall on you; head wrapped with a bandage, a breathing ventilator tube down your throat, eyes closed shut.

Dr. Cho stops in front of them both, still in her scrubs and begins explaining what Bruce couldn’t manage to tell them.

“It’s the only thing I could do. I’m sorry” Dr. Cho mumbles, eyes shining with guilt. Steve is quick to react calmly, saying “You’ve done everything you could”. She looks at Steve for a moment, as if wanting to disagree. She felt she could do more, but the brain is the most complex organ of the whole human anatomy. She blinks, looks down, then moves her feet to her office.

Wanda stayed with you long after Steve has left, suggesting he should rest up too. Dragging a chair closer to you, she places her hand gently on yours, breathing in deeply as she closes her eyes.

There’s somebody behind her, a translucent shape.

“Why aren’t you coming back?” Wanda asked without turning around. She knows who it is.

“I had someone to find first” the figure said, taking slow steps to stand before Wanda. Her palm reaches Wanda’s shoulder, but it can’t really reach her, can’t physically place her touch in this world. A mere ghost of a being.

“But Bucky is back” Wanda announces, head finally turning to see you. The one in front of Wanda now looked better than the one laying on the bed. “So why can’t you return?”

You give her a weak smile. “I’m not too sure I want to come back this time, Wan” you confess.

You take her stunned silence as your cue to continue, to explain. “When I didn’t see him, when I thought he was gone, I couldn’t see anything worth fighting for. I would’ve gladly let that agent do whatever he wanted to me”

“It’s when I realized how much I cared for him. Deeply. More than just friends who look out for one another. More than just friends who understand each other. I don’t ever want to know how it feels like to lose him after this. But he can’t” you stop yourself, eyes closed shut to try and calm yourself from the on-coming wave of emotions that would undoubtedly have an effect on your physical body.

“If I come back, what good would having this feeling do to me? He has someone now; he has Yvy, Wan, and I’m so happy that he’s finally happy” you continue, sadness marring your facial features. “But it also pains me because I won’t ever have that with him. I’ll just be his friend, sure someone he cares about, but not the one he loves”

“But he does love you, (y/n). Can you not see that?” Wanda retaliates. “He doesn’t… he doesn’t love me like I want him to”

Wanda is trying to understand what you’re saying, trying to process the idea of you not coming back to this world, to this team, back home. She feels a painful twist in her chest, pricking her heart.

“So you’re just going to leave?” she asked. She had to. It felt like losing Pietro again, but the difference here is that Pietro didn’t have a choice. You did. You could come home, deal with whatever it is you’re feeling instead of running away. The pricking in her heart suddenly changes to simmering anger; you had the option to live and yet here you were deciding to be a coward and run. She hated you for wanting this, for having an option.

“You’re going to be a coward, and leave us?” she pushes when you’ve yet to answer. The air is thick now once realization dawns on you at how selfish you were being. Wanda abruptly stands up, the chair pushed forcefully behind her.

“It’s your choice. Say hi to Pietro for me”

This goes on for days; you remain in your astral form, looking down at your body as it rests and heal. You spend most your time confined here, not wanting to leave far with the fear that someone –or something sinister, decides to take your unprotected physical form as its host.

The last time you interacted was when Wanda closed the door to your room, leaving you to wallow in her last painful words.

“Say hi to Pietro for me”

So you stay. You stay and watch the aftermath of what would be if you decide to leave. Wanda is the only one who knows of your ability.

You smile faintly at how she discovered, or rather how you decided to reveal your secret to her. She was devastated at the loss of her twin, the speedster you always hear about from Clint, during the weeks you first met her.

“Did you hear that?” Bucky asked just as his hand grasped the knob of your door. You quirk an eyebrow at him before shaking your head, slightly confused. He moves his head closer to your door and for a moment he stays like that. You stand up as quietly as you could, fearing something bad was going on outside when Bucky has yet to say anything.

“Bu-“ his name barely comes out of your mouth when he raises a hand to your direction, his lips mouthing ‘sshhh’. A moment of total silence follows before the worry in his eyes disappear, his features softening before he looks at you.

He hesitates for a moment, but then decides to say “I think someone’s crying”

Immediately you walk over to him, peeling your door and motioning for him to stay there. Even though you absolutely hated being the mother hen –believing the title is rightfully Steve’s, you did have a tendency to act like one. So you tiptoed your way up the hallway, straining your ears to pick up the muffled sobs from one of the doors.

You stop dead in your tracks when you find the source.

It’s Wanda.

Bucky, who ignores your request to stay put, looks at you anxiously. You lick your lips, unsure whether you should go in or knock on her door. Clint has told you about this, had told you to look out for her during the times he wasn’t there. He’d given you a list of things that help her mind off of it, and one of the things he suggests doing was to just be by her side.

So that’s what you did. You found her curled at the corner of her room, in her arms an article of clothing. Your hand reaches her shoulder cautiously, and when she doesn’t jolt away from your touch, you pull her slowly into your arms. Thankfully Wanda doesn’t hesitate, crashing her body to yours.

Bucky takes it as his cue to leave, closing the door to Wanda’s room.

You hold her as she mourns the death of her brother, her twin, the only family she ever knew for the longest time. The black and white track jacket was wedged in-between you both. The room is filled with her pain, and you do your best to hold her, comfort her.

“I miss him. So much” she whimpers as you stroke her hair.

It’s a heart-breaking thing to listen to her say it, the absolute heart-ache she feels clearly present bringing you to tears.

It happened naturally; one moment the room is dark and depressing, and the next there’s a dim glow to everything in sight. Next to her you see a young man with silver hair, his blue eyes swimming with unshed tears as he looks down at his sister.

“Then talk to him” you whisper when the person next to you realizes you can see him.

That was the night that got you closer to Wanda, and the night she finally said her goodbye to Pietro. The small smile you wore is now completely torn off of your lips. How could you have been so selfish? Here you were having the ability to continue living while others do not. Here you were wasting a life when others had theirs taken from them. You look at your body again, knowing how easy it is to just come back.

But then you see Bucky.

Bucky is both a reassuring and aggravating presence. You’re thankful that he remains by your side when he can, giving your heart an empty promise at the sight of him next to you for hours on end. But that, of course, is shattered when he leaves, where the others take his place. It exhausts you, drains you out of energy that it leaves your astral form lying on the floor to rest.

On the fourth day he remains longer than usual, saying nothing and letting the only noise in the room be from the heart monitor and respiratory machine. He stays glued on the chair next to you, this time without a book in hand.

And, this time, a little more agitated.

He’s wringing his hands together –a noticeable habit shared among people with anxiety, that it pained you even more. You push yourself closer to him, wanting so badly to comfort him, to say you’re sorry for being like this.

“I’m sorry” he croaks, guilt drenched in the words that stumble out of him next.

Four days.

It took you four days to realize the severity of your action. None of this was his fault yet here he was, sitting on that chair feeling the weight of guilt crushing his soul. None of this was his fault because he’d done everything he could. None of this was his fault because the decision was in your hands.

It took you four days to recognize the torture Bucky went through at seeing you like this. He’s looking at your weak form, lying unconscious on a hospital bed, delicate tubes and wires running around your body. The agony he must’ve endured throughout these four days finally dawned on you when he’s looking at in this moment.

You see him leaning forwards slowly, calculatedly. Then pauses for a brief moment.

“I-“ but he doesn’t continue, leaving you confused. I what? You thought. Then the door is pulled open, where Natasha and Wanda comes in before he leaves.

You follow him out, forgetting about the consequences of such action, the vulnerability you’ve put your body to just to follow him to his room.

And just like the days he left, you can feel your heart being torn apart piece by piece.

You see Bucky slide easily into his bed, hands wrapped around the waist of a beautiful women. He kisses Yvy’s back. When he closes his eyes, you can see the difference her presence has on him; the worried line and frown that marred his face is gone, his feature softening.

He looked so at peace, so calm next to the girl he loves that it makes you completely forget why you should stay. It hurts you now more than ever. He’s finally happy, so why can’t you be happy for him? Isn’t it your duty, as a friend, to support him no matter what?

Rationality isn’t of utter importance to you right then and there as you force yourself to tear your gaze away, to will yourself back to the room where you laid, wanting nothing more than to just go forget.

To forget. It’s what you wanted –to forget a time where your feelings towards Bucky was anything but platonic, to not remember a time where you craved to have him as yours.

And you know exactly who to turn to.

read final part >> part 4

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