#as a victim of religious abuse i felt a bit triggered

[destroyingeverythingold]

[doraambrose]

When it comes to the Victim Blaming Grief coping one of the big things that makes it an issue is that he actually did it to Jason's face (in Hush as it was retconned to be Jason he said that too).

And, when Jason comes back it stops being grief for the dead, it becomes grief for the wounded. And people victim blame people who were hurt too. This is how they cope, however this coping mechanism always hurts the victim and is a genuinely bad coping mechanism that shouldn't be used. It's harmful. It's harmful to the victim and it is harmful for the other people who might be grieving. It's probably one of the most selfish coping mechanisms.

I've experienced people using this method in real life and it's rough. And it's toxic. Saying you can't criticize the way someone grieves is flawed because you are rarely the only one grieving and I personally have been harmed during a period of shared grief. And I am sure other people have been too because grief brings out the bad in people but that doesn't mean all is forgiven.

Like, imagine if Jason was just comatose and all the victim blaming happened and then Jason just woke up and found out all Bruce had been saying about him? Would Jason's feelings be justified then?

Also, saying the deceased person doesn't matter when they die disregards a lot of religious and spiritual beliefs around honoring the dead.

I feel like Jason is as justified as any other person harmed when someone copes with toxic way in being upset. Jason's death is also a traumatic thing that happened to him. Centering Bruce's feelings while disregarding Jason's as unjustified doesn't feel fair. Especially considering the incident where Bruce took Jason to Ethiopia to try to trigger Jason's memories of what brought him back without his consent.

(Sorry if this was a bit much, I've experienced a decent amount of the bad sides of grief in my life and feel strongly about it)

Okay, so I feel like I need to re answer my previous post because I was struggling to find the right words and also at work, but I think I've figured it out.

One thing to keep in mind is when we talk about feelings, grief, and emotions, there's not a set right or wrong. I also mentioned that I don't like the word justified in this case because it sounds like right or wrong. I did use it at the end, but I'll get into that here. This is a very gray area subject matter and that makes it tricky and you're never gonna find an answer that everyone agrees with because it's not really as fact based as if I said "batman wears a cape sometimes" or "dick grayson is nightwing".

The first thing that comes to mind for me is what my therapist tells me when I feel guilt over feelings. She would tell me "anything you're feeling is valid, you're allowed to be upset, angry, sad, jealous, etc. It's how you act on those feelings.. something I can't remember atm lol". So when I say jason isn't justified, I'm saying that he's allowed to be upset and angry and his feelings are valid, it's not right to actively take it out on the family and hold it against them and be sort of malicious or harmful. And i know theyve done that plus some towards him, but its important to remember that you can only control your own actions and even if someone is being toxic and harmful, that doesnt mean you should too. I think I didn't explain that right and there was some miscommunication. I also wanted to explain why I felt that jason would be angry.

As for this comment, both of these asks were right. Grief can be harmful and toxic. And before I say what I'm going to say next, keep in mind that I'm discussing grief alone and not any of the stuff post utrh that Bruce has done to jason that's harmful and abusive. This toxic kind of grief doesn't make the person a bad person. They can't help it. It's your brain going crazy to try and cope with something traumatic. When my dog died, I wanted to sue my vet, even though they didn't really so anything wrong. It's easier to have someone in front of you to blame. I'm not saying it's right or okay, but it does happen and it can be harmful, but you're not a bad person for it. (In Bruce's case, he's a bad person for all the other shit he's pulled outside of this)

I think these two asks are like at the opposite ends of this topic and I think it's something that you can meet in the middle with. So basically

Yes, grief can be toxic and harmful, but it's also very much a subconscious phenomenon and it's extremely personal and different for everyone and alot of times, people are unaware of what they're doing.

Because of that, jason can be hurt by it, he can be angry,etc. His feelings are valid, But it's not fair to activey hold that over Bruce forever, which he doesn't, this seems more like a fanon thing btw. But it also doesn't hurt to apologize afterwards.

I think when you say that the idea of not critiquing the way someone grieves is flawed, it comes off as unempathetic. Because as someone who has had to grieve alot of the past few years, it's the worst feeling. And your brain is literally scrambling to cope with it so you don't actively lose your shit and sometimes it ends up with some unhealthy Coping mechanisms. And you're usually unaware of what you're doing. I feel like you're not thinking of how the other person is feeling or what they're going through. And fair is fair, they need to see what you're feeling too and actively try to remedy things at some point, there just needs to be more patience and empathy all around and trying to remember that this person is not always intentionally being malicious.

I'm a religious person. So I see where youre coming from, but nobody said the deceased doesn't matter. I think the point was more that you don't have to worry as much about how that person is feeling or thinking because they've moved on to a better place, you should focus on self care and doing what's best for your mental health.

I am also 100% not trying to center around Bruce's feelings and discredit jasons, in fact, the last post was 100% about jasons feelings.

In summary, there's not "justified" or "right" or "wrong". It's super complicated, varies from person to person, and is a tricky subject matter. Everyone's feelings are valid and there definitely needs to be more empathy and patience on all sides, but there are still actions that have been made on both sides that aren't the best and can be hurtful or toxic. I hope this all makes sense and I worded it right :)

[thephilosopheroffeelings]

Content, religion, abuse

It is with a great heart that I follow the news. Yesterday evening The Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has announced he will step down from his role following a report about his cover-up for a prolific child abuser John Smyth. There is nothing new: Child abuse and religion. Religion changes but the abuse stays the same. We have many soul-crushing stories from Turkey among Muslim religious leaders. I am an atheist. Child abuse is not the main reason behind my decision but I cannot think the religion and deceit separately. They are so intertwined; since the start. As I noted in one of my essays: I think the first book genre we have in the world is fantasy in the form of holy scripture. 

Child abuse, sexual or not, is not something to be taken lightly. It keeps haunting you, forever. It knocks on your door when you least expect it. Someone says something, you see something on the news, something you watch for fun - life itself becomes a minefield. Anything and everything can trigger you at any given time. When you are an adult, you learn how to suppress it when it comes at inappropriate times. Will Mr Welby's resignation help abuse victims? Not at all while managing it in their everyday lives. The damage has already been done. Wait, managing child sexual abuse symptoms? I am not sure about this. It is more like having to learn to live with it as at times you feel like you have no control over it. His resignation only helps, if anything, 'passively' restoring the justice. 

One of childhood abuse's lingering effects in adulthood is that you have come to associate love with pain. You want to be punished for being in love as it requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable. For childhood abuse survivors, dating has become a minefield. You do not want to be vulnerable with anyone. You do not want to 'date' and 'have' a romantic relationship as normal people do. You need someone who gets you and appreciates the fact that you have decided to be vulnerable with them. But does these all quietly. Someone who respects and keeps your privacy, hugs you tight late at night, is content when they are with you, opens up with you or someone gives you a look in a crowded room and you get each other. Not with over-the-top love gestures, PDA, I love yous, or expensive gifts. Not painfully triggering you by implying any kind of insincerity or dishonesty while you have done the hardest - becoming vulnerable by being very honest and open with them or even worse - saying something like that you use them for sex. As they were once used for sex, they know how awful it is and they cannot even stand the idea of it. 

I hope people who are abused felt a bit of relief after the resignation. I hope they already did or will find their person. Most importantly, I hope they are content with themselves. WFH today, first I will stop crying and then prepare myself a good breakfast. Then will have one-to-one weekly catch-up meetings with my team members. Most probably I will finish the day with going for a wee walk around somewhere green and having a pint and dinner at my favourite pub and in the evening keep working on my PhD proposal. All childhood abuse survivors should know that no matter what, it is important to keep being hopeful, kind and honest to people. Remind yourself that justice can come later than expected or never comes sometimes and it’s fine. No feeling is final and whatever happens life goes on. And most importantly remember that there are people who accept you as you are. To celebrate, go out to get yourself a pint and exercise being content with yourself: You are not a weirdo. You are not broken.

[t-o-r-t-u-r-e-d-p-o-e-t]

I can't believe homophobia is still a thing in 20 fuckin 24 🙄 clearly this motherfucker didn't hear TS when she said SHADE NEVER MADE ANYBODY LESS GAY 🙃 and this specific conversation/person I'm referring to was using the Bible as his reasoning FOR his homophobic bullshit, continuously cutting me off by yelling "IT SAYS IN THIS BOOK!" or some variation of that when a few of us that live in my building were having a discussion that went a bit wayward. He was saying that you can't be both Christian and LGBTQ.And up until last night, I had considered him a friend. I even gave him another chance TWO previous times that he showed me red flags, but after last night, he's cut off. Also, I was a victim of religious abuse when I was a freshman in high school by a teacher when I had my first girlfriend, and last night with that dude really triggered me and reminded me of that shit and how awful I felt just because I refused to hide being bisexual. And that is just unacceptable.

[sweetbillwriting]

A Thousand Leaves

Description: A local news reporter wants to know everything about the young man that has been found imprisoned in a basement. While she searches for answers, her relationship with the young man becomes more and more complicated. 

Characters: The character Henry is inspired by several of Bill Skarsgård's characters. The rest are my own original characters. 

Setting: The story is set in the early 90s in a nameless town with several smaller villages surrounding it. 

Warnings: 18+, there isn't any right now but there will be many in the future. 

Notes: This is just a short little thing to see if there is any interest. This story is autumn inspired, the title comes from the song The Wind That Cracks The Leaves by In Gowan Ring, it has also inspired the story. This will be a really dark, triggering story with religious themes, abusive situations and sexual acts that can be triggering. This will be a really dark story and I don't know if people are interested. 

The oh so lovely @b-afterhours is helping me with the language!

×

Outside of the window leaves of red, orange and yellow could be seen but the rain on the window seemed to make them run into blurry watercolours. The windows' warm colors looked like a painting in the grey room Irma sat in. She looked through the window while she waited, she longed for a coffee and a piece of apple pie to cheer her up. This place took away all the joy in her. 

Irma was at the mental health hospital to meet the young man they had found locked in a basement of the old church. It had been front page news because it seemed like he had been there a long time, maybe years. Irma was a reporter on the local news and thanks to a friend she would be able to meet the man. Henry. He would only speak his name but Irma believed she could make him talk. She was good at it, probably her biggest talent and it was handy as a reporter, all too many had exposed secrets to her. 

She had brought some of her mother's blueberry muffins to the man. The food at a mental institution couldn't be tasty and he probably needed some sugar as a "pick me up". 

She wondered how he would look. She had heard he looked like the devil, an angel and everything in between. It seemed like he was something otherworldly people didn't even have the words to describe. 

"He will come soon. He is just stuck in a drawing. He's outside," said Irma's friend Mia. She was the one that had made it possible for her to meet the victim. She worked at the mental institution and had put up her friend on the list of people who could visit the man. Her name was the only one on the list. He didn't seem to have any close family, no one that missed him. 

"I can meet him outside otherwise. Where is he?" Irma asked as she stood up and put her coat on. 

"He sits at the bench by the big oak. You can't miss him, you will feel him watching you." 

Mia said it calmly but looked a bit uncomfortable. Irma didn't ask about it, she wanted to create her own perception of him. 

Irma walked through the hospital's yard, the orange leaves were everywhere. It didn't seem like they had a landscaper employed taking care of it. other patients sat or walked around the yard. They looked so normal but she guessed it wasn't the high risk patients that they permitted outside. She looked towards the oak and saw a tall man sitting on the bench right under it. He looked up at her and she suddenly felt some sort of thrill in her body. His face wasn’t anything she would forget. He was beautiful but he looked haunted. Like people in old medieval portraits but he was dressed in the hospital's gray sweats instead of velvet and lace. He looked young but had an old man's aura. Irma decided it wouldn't affect her and smiled at him. She walked up to him slowly so as to not scare him. 

"Can I join you?" She asked and pointed to the empty space next to him. He looked up at her with big green eyes, they were shiny while his full lips were dry. He nodded a little and closed the drawing pad he had in his lap. Irma was a bit disappointed he didn't want to share his drawings with her but pleased that he let her sit down next to him. Sitting at the bench she looked out over the yard. The old wet statues stood out in the ocean of leaves. So did the man in his grey clothing from the hospital. 

"Henry, right?" She said and tried to catch his eyes but he just watched a crow eating a mouse on the yard. 

"Henry?" 

He turned his head faster than she had expected and she felt the thrill in her body again. 

"How are you today?" She asked and smiled at him. Henry looked away unamused. 

Irma took the muffins brought and thought to herself that she could use them as a bribe. 

"I have something for you, blueberry muffins. My mom made them." She gave him the paperbag but he just gave it a fast look then he looked away. 

"Okay…" Said Irma, disappointed and laid the bag on the bench. 

"Would it be okay if I come to visit you sometimes? As a friend?" 

Now Henry really looked at her with those big sad eyes. Irma couldn't stop herself from thinking he was pretty and he looked so sad. Like a lost puppy. He nodded slowly. 

Irma smiled and laid her hand on his knee. She didn't really know why she did it but she just wanted to touch him in some way. Henry looked at the hand while she patted his knee. 

She continued just to challenge him and he looked between her face and her hand. He didn't say anything. Irma took away her hand and looked at his face. 

"Can I come on Friday? It's in three days?” She asked. Henry still looked at his knee like her hand still was there. 

"Yes." He said low with a velvety smooth voice. Irma's heart started to beat hard in her chest. Before this he had only spoken his name but now he let her touch him and he answered a question. But his voice wasn't at all what she had thought. She believed it would be raspy and dry. He had been nearly quiet for a long time, instead he answered with a clear voice, soft like silk. She hugged his knee in her hand again. 

"I think we will both enjoy it, Henry." 

He looked at her hand, her eyes, her mouth and then scanned all of her. Irma thought it felt almost predatory the way he looked at her but she watched his face closely. He looked so fragile and scared. He was just a victim, a victim of a terrible crime. She felt so sorry for him.  

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 20 - ChenQing Syndrome & Tangents everywhere

Hello cupcakes, and welcome to episode 20. How’s everyone doing? I hope y’all are as safe and can be. I’m pretty sure I need to sleep for at least 24h because I am exhausted so forgive me if I’m suuuuuper low energy.

On another news I am officially mosquito bait. Yay.

I don’t know if I said so in the previous commentary but I Do Not Vibe with eyeballs so yeah.

Speaking of eyeballs, here is what happened the last time my mum and me consumed a medical drama in public. We decided to go to the cinema to watch The Physician, and in the intro credits there is a tray with a pair of eyeballs by a scalpel and my mum, who’s a GP goes (without lowering her voice of course):

“Those are not human eyeballs, too big, they’re probably cow’s”

I swear the whole row just turned around to give us A Look and I haven’t felt more like a serial killer since I started giggling (again in the cinema) watching Death Proof. So there you have it, I lose my shit when tv doctors do bad medicine and she makes ominous comments that make me want to explain to everyone that no, we don’t dismember people for fun.

Listen, necromancy is whatever, but “Imperio-Ing” people into harming themselves and making them hallucinate by playing the flute is what would freak me the fuck out about WWX ngl. I mean, I know he’s a good egg, but he’s Havana Syndrome-ing this bitch and that gives me chills.

Oh I love this shot of one WWX’s eyes cast in light. Cinematography on point as always.

Ok ok ok I am going to go on a terrible tangent in here. I know that in the book shit was even worse, with the cannibalism and JiaoJiao shoving a whole chair leg down her throat but there’s something that’s always caught my attention. If I’m not mistaken she bit off WC’s dick. Now call it a coincidence that WWX took advantage of, but, because I’m The Worst ™️ it made me think. If I’ve learnt something about Criminal Minds is that you don’t go after someone’s bits unless:

a) you’re a sexual sadist and can’t get off any other way (which WWX is not nor is he killing for sexual gratification)

b) those bits have gone near you when you didn’t want them to and it is revenge.

I mean, same way I didn’t want to make you wonder what WWX ate trapped in a mass grave for three months I don’t want to make you think about this but I need to get if off my chest.

Oh hey, now that I think about it the cannibalism could also be personal because again, they yeeted him into a palace full of corpses where “nothing grows”. God I hate my own brain sometimes.

Did these two just walk up to the front door of the Supervisory Office? I mean, the guards are all dead so it is fine, but that’s one shit strategy.

... that’s one ineffective way of tying a hangman’s noose.

JC IS BEING SOFT WITH WQ OMG!

YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART. STOP. (Watch me go read ChengQing fics after this is done)

JC: is there anyone more wicked that the Wen Clan?

Me: *takes a deep breath* how much time do you have?

Gotta give it to WWX, the boy knows how to set the mood.

Yup yup I’m cackling.

Go my creepy necromancer son!

(Once again, I cheer when someone gets shanked)

(Once again, assume I’m screaming about the cinematography)

Bless LWJ’s brain cell, I remember when I first watched this being super worried about these two also getting ChenQing Syndrome.

So is the Red Woman an actual entity or is she an anthropomorphization of what he’s doing to them? Am I assigning too much Poe to this scene?

JC and LWJ straight up jumped through the ceiling to save WWX I love them. (But think, if they’ve been slightly slower and WZL had realised there wasn’t a core to melt, oh the delicious delicious canon divergences we could have)

Now that’s an effective noose.

THAT HUG WAS TOO SHORT! AND WWX WAS GOING TO RECIPROCATE BUT JC STOPED NOOOOOO. (Again JC looks like he gives the best hugs)

Misdirecting WWX is misdirecting.

Aaaaaand you can see the PTSD start to rear its ugly heard the second they want to know where he was the last three months.

WWX: *starts spinning bullshit*

JC: *relaxes his frown and eyerolls*

Aw bb he was really worried. I mean, it is still misdirection but I can see how JC inexperienced as he is with trauma (and dealing with his own) could interpret that as his baby brother just being himself.

Aw they’re falling back into being their soft yet prickly selves I die.

Nope LWJ! I know that you’re worried and shit but the last thing you want to do to someone with WWX’s trauma is trigger their fight or flight response by asking questions and making them sound like accusations.

(Also, interlude to say, WWX seems super reluctant to admit he fucked with the talismans, which fair enough, I’m thinking his trauma conga line is probably making him think he’ll get in trouble if he admits it or they’ll start distrusting him. But really looks like simple curiosity to me)

I’m just gonna scream incoherently at my screen because they are doing it fucking wrong.

Me with other fandoms: KISS GODDAMNIT

Me with this one: COMMUNICATE

DRAG HIM (ok GusuLan) WWX. I know LWJ only wants to make sure WWX is safe and healthy and loved but listen, he doesn’t have the full picture, he is still somewhat naive about you know, the amount his idols can disappoint him. Yes, it is exacerbated by WWX raising his hackles and his overall paranoia but; GusuLan is where the Sect Leader and the second in command (I know Netflix calls LQR “grandmaster” but I also know the translation is incorrect) decided that lashing their own family was an appropriate corrective. I’m not even going to go into the genocide victims or the reasons for the punishment but yeah, lashing. It hasn’t happened yet, but the potential is there, and as much of a self-sacrificing idiot as WWX is he must have some survival instincts if he lived in the streets for years, I’m not saying they don’t get negated when someone he loves is in danger, but you know, they have to be there. I think his brain has been *Kill Bill sirens* about GusuLan for a long time and now the guy who lives and breathes by their rules wants him to go back? Yeah I absolutely think it is valid that he thought the “help” he was gonna get would be horrifying punishment to “put him in the right path”. Do I see a fuck ton of parallels btw GusuLan and abusive Bible-thumping religious fanatical groups? Ok yeah, my b probably, but I Can’t Unsee.

And again, I know LWJ just wants to keep him safe and I know he’s an awkward potato but this one is on him. WWX is in no emotional place to play “guess WangJi” and it might make his soul shrivel up and die inside but a Long Conversation should be had.

Ok, allow me to go on another fucking tangent, there aren’t enough already. I’ve seen posts saying that western people misinterpret LWJ’s short and blunt speech (is short speech something you say in English?) as him being awkward/clamming up/not liking to talk when it actually is considered a very elegant thing to be able to get your point across with as few words as possible, because our culture values eloquence. First of all, I’ve seen that point made with the English language, and I’m Spanish, I don’t know if it affects my point of view but we also have the same idea of getting to the point ASAP here, it isn’t like the height of elegance but it is very common. That’s not my reasoning to say LWJ is an introverted/awkward potato, although it influences it. Because I’ve seen the show a few times, and because YiBo is the patron saint of micro-expressions, I’ve caught several instances in which, after pleasantries are done, a stranger tries to talk to LWJ and he get the tiniest “oh shit people want to have a conversation someone save me” look on his face. The most notable one is when YunmengJiang is trying to get into Cloud Recesses.

Just because someone can be a good conversationalist doesn’t mean they actually like to talk to people or be around them.

Bless JC to the rescue.

Btw regardless of me going off about LWJ’s lack of communication it doesn’t mean I’m not side eyeing WWX for unleashing on people who are not at fault for his trauma.

LET MY YUNMENG SIBS BE HAPPY GODDAMNIT

So that’s all for this episode. I’m so sorry for my tangents, I can’t contain myself. Thanks for reading!

[a-templars-vice]

A Templar’s Vice - Act II

Part 7 - “What Binds Us”

A Cullen Rutherford x F!OC Apostate Witch Dragon Age: Inquisition - fanfiction

Rating: 18+

Warnings: contains subject matter that maybe triggering for the vulnerable or victims of abuse and trauma.

Also contains alcohol, drugs (alludes to substance abuse), detailed lewd and violent scenes.

Reader's discretion is advised

Link to Master List

Link to Act I - Part I

Also avalible to read on Archive of Our Own (AO3)

The Witch was also working diligently. Repairing torn cloth and other similar broken goods. Their supplies lasted much longer thanks to her.  Which helped to put their money elsewhere. 

While the Witch was working on some wedding outfits she commented. 

"I cannot believe people still go on with their normal lives, get married, and such while the world is in danger... but I suppose being far away from the conflict would not affect your life, or being too close by would push you to do important things– if you might not make it... and being here it's strange to think people far away are still just living... normally..." 

Cullen agreed with her. It was strange. He looked at the outfits she was commissioned to do. Apparently there were people here who wanted to be married while there was a war looming over their heads and commissioned the witch to make their wedding outfits. 

Cullen asked her. 

"What about you?" 

"Pardon?" 

"Have you ever thought about... that..." 

He lost his words but gestured to the wedding outfits she was working on. 

She chuckled. 

"No... But... uhh... Oh, I suppose I should've told you..." 

"What is it?" 

"In terms of... well the Fade and the nature of our contract... We are technically married... We just skipped the reception, cake, and religious customs, witnesses, party, and other formal practices your kind usually does..." 

Cullen blinked. 

"Wait what--" 

"Yeeeaaahhh... I forgot or didn't think it was important to tell you that..." 

"That's-- That is kind of important!" 

"Uhhh yeah... I realize that now... but hey, you got a smoking hot fade demon possessed mage wife– and though it's not official according to your ways, but according to the fade and our contract... yup we are married." 

Cullen was really not sure how he felt. Like he was a mix of surprise, happy and well shocked. 

"H-hold on. So it's not official here but according to the ways of the Fade, where you're from, we are officially married?" 

"Yeah that's the jist of it." 

"Maker's breath..." 

Cullen held his head. 

"But if you want to be with someone else..." 

Cullen raised his head and immediately stopped her from continuing that trail of conversation. 

"No! No… I want to be with only you..." 

He moved to crowd her on his desk. She was still holding the wedding gown in her hands-- as Cullen asked,

"Can... can we make it official here too?" 

Cullen again lost his words as he was crowding her in. 

"If that's what you want..." 

"No. I want to know if you want to... contract or not..." 

Cullen was not expecting to propose this way or right now but...

The witch looked down 

"I don't know... I just want to do whatever you want to do..." 

"No. Don't do this because it's just what I want..." 

He rubbed his forehead against hers in a loving manner. 

"I want you to want this. To want me. Not because you're compelled to do so by our contract..." 

"I'm sorry Cullen, but the contract we have does play a part in this-- and what I am compelled to do..." 

There was a very long sad silence between them but she broke the silence as the truth fell from her lips... she could not lie to him as per their contract... 

"But I have always wanted to... be with you if that helps... even before our contract..." 

Cullen blinked and pulled back a bit. 

"W-Wait you wanted to be with me before…?" 

"Yes, but you hated me so... I kept my distance from you... or I tried to, but you kept coming and I... could not resist your strong pull... or handsome face~" 

Cullen chuckled. 

"Oh it was just my face?" 

"Mmm... no... that's not all... " 

She took a moment of pause. She put away the gown and her tools to the side. Then touched his face with her delicate soft hands and fingers... 

"I like being with you..." 

She kissed his scar like how she did when they had their first close encounter... 

Cullen's heart raced like that time and bursted as she pulled away. 

He did what he wanted to do back then... He kissed her. Slowly. Sweetly. Lovingly. 

When they pulled away she continued... 

"I also like your voice..." she moved to kiss and lick his adams apple 

Cullen shuttered and gulped-- but held firm as she worshiped him. 

Then she moved to kiss his chin and pulled away and said, 

"I like the way your stubble tickles my skin..." 

Cullen moved to rub his lower stubbled face against her neck and skin. While he peppered many kisses along the way. 

She giggled and laughed. 

"Mmm! C-Cullen! Hahahaha!" 

She half heartedly struggled and he chuckled. 

"Oh, you should have not told me that..." 

He said and smiled mischievously and continued to kiss and tickle her neck with his stubbled face. 

"Ahh no! Cullen Please! By your Maker! Have mercy! Hahahaha!" 

Cullen kissed her, and nuzzled her neck, a bit more. 

"Mmm... I'll abstain for now... because you asked so nicely..." 

He hummed against her skin. 

"Oh my such a generous man you are... Though... I should make you forget that--" 

He started tickling her again. 

"Ahhhh! Nooo! Hahahaha! C-Cuullllleeeennnnnn!!! Hahahaha!!!" 

He did not go on as long. This time. 

"Even if you did, I would probably figure it out again." 

"Ah... I'll take it back... You're so cruel..." 

"Am I now?" 

He teased her again. 

"Ah... no... ahhh..." 

She was in between laughing and moaning. While Cullen was in-between kissing or fucking her on his desk... 

But he wanted to know more... 

"Tell me more things you like about me..." 

"Ah... I... I like h-hearing the sound of your h-heart beat..." 

"What else..." 

"I like touching you..." 

"What else..." 

Cullen kept kissing her neck as he 

"I-I ah... I like it when you're rough with me..." 

"And...?" 

He roughly kissed and teased her neck. 

She was shaking from being over-stimulated. 

"I-I like you forcing your dick into me and my mouth..." 

There it was. the confession he wanted to hear her say out loud... 

"Mmm... do you want it now? My love..." 

"I Always want it... I always want you..." 

"I'll always give it to you then..." 

... 

Cullen moved her up onto his desk as he climbed on top of her, and she used her magic to close and lock all the doors. 

He was undoing the front of his pants and reached inside his underwear to pull out his hard member for her... 

As he was looking down at her... 

His words fell out of his lips... 

"Marry me." 

He breathly whispered and It came out like it was an order. As he held and lightly rubbed his hard manhood. Waiting for her answer... 

By their contract-- She was compelled to obey him... but it was an order she would galdy follow. 

"Yes, Commander..." 

She said in a sauntry tone-- Even though her words, and feelings were influenced by their contract... 

It just affirmed her true feelings towards him. 

... 

Cullen supported her head with one hand on the back of her head and the other one was on his dick. Using it to control his movements into her open and willing mouth. 

He rubbed his head teasingly back and forth on her soft wet tongue. 

"This is what you really want, hmm? My love?" 

Cullen said huskily. 

She could only moan in response and open her mouth more-- 

Then there was an abrupt knock at the door. 

"Commander? Are you there? Why is the door locked..." 

Cullen and the Witch were frozen in place. Cullen's girth was still on her tongue. Her mouth was opened and before she could close it, he plunged himself into her mouth. 

Cullen went in deep in response, and proceeded to passionately fuck her mouth. 

"Yes, I'm here, give me 2 minutes, I'm taking care of something important." 

He shouted... 

It took all of Cullen's will and discipline to keep his voice level as he rocked into her mouth at the same time. 

He moved himself and her head. He stabilized himself with his other free hand on the desk-- as he forcefully thrusted himself between her gorgeous lips and into her beautiful mouth– While he was kneeling above and over her. 

Good thing his desk is very sturdy... 

And it did not take him long to cum directly into her throat. 

Too bad it had to be quick, but... he will go more slowly and take his time with her later... 

He pulled out when he was finished, but as he did she vanished. Along with the wedding gowns and all the supplies she brought in. 

Cullen stared at the empty space for a while wondering if that was just a dream but he held and looked at his softened cock. 

It was stained with her lips paint color... 

And there was a bit of a mess on his desk as well…

He used the enchanted handkerchief to clean himself and his desk off… 

It remained clean…

And…

Everywhere she kissed also had her lips color marks... 

Cullen did not find out about this until one of his Lientents pointed it out... much later in the day…

He definitely used the handkerchief to clean that off as well…

... 

Cullen was sitting on a chair by his desk. The day was winding down and he felt extremely nervous to see her... 

She's his wife according to their contract and laws of the Fade... and here, in this world, she's now his fiance... 

Cullen was really not expecting this to happen today... 

He rubbed the side of his head with his right hand and sighed. He leaned his head back taking in a deep breath. While closing his eyes... 

Then he felt something soft on his lips. 

Cullen did not jump nor flinch when he felt her lips touch his. He calmly raised his right arm to hold her head in place as she kissed him from above. And she held his head in her hands. 

Her soft loving kiss immediately calmed him down and took all his fears away. 

... 

They were laying together in bed, under some blankets, silently, and she was laying on his arm-- lightly tracing random patterns on his naked chest. 

Cullen watched her silently. He did like their loud moments but he also loved these quiet moments too... 

The arm she was resting on was wrapped around her slender body... he was rubbing his thumb soothingly and repeatedly over her hips... 

He was thinking about who would marry them in this world... he might have to ask someone who does not know them and would be willing to marry him and an apostate witch-- who is  possessed by a demon of desire... but they did not need to know... 

Or he could ask...

…

Continue to Act II - Part 8

[readyallthecanons]

emma backstory

so i mentioned before that emma did not live the best of lives. so here it is! under the cut bc it’s pretty long and mentions of potentially triggering topics. 

[tw: mentions of attempted su*cide, abuse, bullying, abortion]

The Family Situation

Born to Puerto Rican immigrants in Queens, New York

Xander and Emeraude loved their children but couldn’t hide the fact that their marriage was failing (if not already failed)

Both of them wanted to divorce even before Emma was born but stayed together for family reasons and religious conviction

They fought over the most mundane things (ex. Dishes, laundry, breathing next to them) it was bad

Eventually started fooling around with other people

Had a funny way of showing their love; pretty strict and discipline based

Emma grew up in this set up: her father’s unexcused absences and her mother’s frequent visitors

She has caught her mother in the arms of another many many times/ caught her dad bringing someone home

Emeraude would bribe her with almost anything and said “it would be their little secret”/”papa didn’t mind”

Same hat with Xander

On bad days, there was a lot of guilt tripping, threats, and “I am your parent and you will listen to me”

Has 4 older brothers (she’s the youngest of 5; the unica hija)

Diego - a diplomat who was abroad more than he was at home; loves his family but is p distant; very calm and collected and good at talking

Julian - a struggling musician who wasn’t hitting big; his excuse was that him succeeding was the Lord’s will; p religious (in a bad way)

Moses - very thoughtful guy and has a lot of love for those he cares about and does not like to be held down; one of Emma’s favorite brothers; he elopes with his girlfriend in June 2011; gets Turned into a supernatural creature then somehow ends up in Chicago; member of Quartz Tear

Samuel - careless dude who definitely jumps before he thinks….but he has good intentions; one of Emma’s favorite brothers; joins a gang and is eventually arrested in the August of 2011

Forced into a box: made to be what her parents and older brothers wanted her to be

Did ballet and music….did very well in ballet but sucked balls at music

Raised to be a good church girl

Lots of policing

She hated it but didn’t know how to get out of it

Closest with Moses and Samuel; they did so much together and she was heartbroken when they left her (unfortunately alone with their parents and Julian)

Generally, Emma didn’t get a lot of love and support growing up….and the ones that showed her that abandoned her alas

Trust and Abandonment Issues are real

The BFF Situation

Bc things were rough at home, she sought refuge from other people: Talulah “Tally” Mendoza and Carter Hayes, her (ex-)bffs

Talulah - leader of the group; what she said was law; best friends with Emma since kindergarten; mythic bitch

Carter - a bit of a push over but can be hella sharp-tongued; mostly just says yes to whatever Talulah (and others) says; knows exactly how to hurt u with words

Big the Plastics/Heathers vibes...they’re part of the popular kids

Emma had to look and dress and act in a certain way bc she was part of the popular girls 

Was very uncomfortable for her

Again with the body policing

Was also the butt of many of their jokes (her height, her skin color, the wealth of her family-- not as rich as Talulah, etc.) + lots of backstabbing...sometimes to her face

Emma braved all the insults and ngl would do anything to stay in Talulah and Carter’s good graces bc sometimes u latch onto people

While Emma was a victim, she just as much insulted and bullied them...especially Carter when Talulah was making fun of her; the treatment she was subjected to was also done to Carter whenever Talulah felt like it; she’s just as much a two faced backstabbing snake as her two friends were

It’s just a really toxic friendship ngl….it’s not even a friendship alas

They don’t truly care for one another and would trade the other for a potato chip

They’re just a trio of backstabbing snakes ya know

Again, trust and abandonment issues are real

Aftermath

Combined stress of her family life (general family drama and her 2 fave brothers abandoning her) and the bullying/controlling in her social life were too much for Emma

Attempted but is unsuccessful and winds up at the ER (November 2011)

Diagnosed with Depression

Got admitted into the psych ward of a local hospital (only reason she got admitted was bc Diego was home and made his parents let her go into the psych ward despite their negative perception of mental health illnesses)

Is released after some months and continued to see a therapist and psychiatrist 

Emma had a 180 degree shift in personality - a very extreme reaction but valid

Swore that she would never be boxed up/controlled again

Basically is the current version of her now

Now runs on spite

Quit being friends with Talulah and Carter, said “fuck you” to her family’s expectatons and did her own thing and she didnt care what others people said; big “fuck off and fuck you” vibes

The Pregnancy Situation

Found out that she was pregnant at 17 (April 2013)

Dad is Teale’s relative named Daniel Andrews

Got kicked out of the house for bringing shame to the family; stays at her brothers’ girlfriend’s house in the meantime

Wanted to get an abortion but has no money for it so decides to give the baby up for adoption

Started looking for a suitable couple to adopt the child

Met and befriended Lawrence and Arthur Wilkins, a couple who have been married for 4 years and are finally ready to have a child

They’re super excited and super nice to Emma; one of the first people to show that they care for her

Emma is so shookt and definitely thinks it’s only bc of the baby

Ambra Joyce “AJ” Wilkins was born  (December 2013) and Emma was Conflicted

Emotional as Emma wants to keep the child but still doesn’t bc she doesn’t have the means to support the child

Doesn’t understand what’s going on with her feelings and it scares her

“Why am I sad over something I didn’t want anyway???”

Lawrence and Arthur offer to help Emma but she chooses to leave anyway (bc she didn’t know how to cope with her feelings regarding the whole situation and there’s just a lot of anger and pain atm)

She steals her family car, picks a random city (which happens to be Chicago) and ran away

Chicago

Wound  up in Chicago in February 2014 (specifically in Red Claw territory)

Lived in her car for some time 

But her car was eventually trashed at the command of Clint who she kinda caught the attention of and he finessed his way into her life with a place to live and a decent job

She’s like 18 and he’s 21 :/

Clint and Emma eventually start hooking up

Things between them turn hella toxic and abusive and its really Bad 

Clint is controlling and manipulative and won’t stop reminding Emma that she owes him for all the things he’s done for/given her...and there are other stuff

Emma was very dependent on him and she hated it so much

Also used sex as a form of escapism and alas Clint was there and readily available

It is definitely call the cops bad...there’s all sorts of abuse/assault that’s all

Turned into a Werewolf by Clint (in the same year)

Emma was trying to leave him and he lashed out, Turning her in the process

Ever since then, Emma has been some level of afraid of Clint

Joined the Red Claw after Clint offers it to her

Doesn’t really want to but she’s so lost and confused and scared; she needed help

The Red Claw offered answers and safety...things Emma so desperately needed and wanted  So

Eventually gets a job at the Hocus Pocus Coffeeshop and then the Oak and Swan Pub (both are attempts to becoming more financially independent)

The shit storm between her and Clint continue for a good long time sadly :((  (not technically backstory info but still worth mentioning)

Gets 3 abortions and 1 miscarriage before she finally leaves him and the Red Claw (i got more details about this but yea will share if asked ig or will talk about it someday)

Her reproductive system and mental health is Wrecked

[amazinghcwkeye]

                        META TALKS;;  CLAIRE && PREGNANCY && SEX

(  OVERALL TRIGGERS FOR childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, mention of a miscarriage, mention of wanting an abortion, sexual harassment and rape. Bad and sexist language is also used. Please tread carefully if any of these things trigger you.  )

First thing first, this is going to get down and dirty and I am not going to mince words. Claire was sexually abused at the orphanage and the circus. Because of this, she developed C-PTSD/PTSD and has complex emotions towards sex and pregnancy. 

** IMPORTANT: Everything has been researched very carefully and some of it is based on my own experiences. Please do not come into my inbox or ims screaming about how I don’t know anything. And yes, well everything in here is a bit dark, it’s something that has been in development for over a few years. This was not spur of the moment, this has been thoughts and headcanons I’ve collected and worked on since starting Claire’s blog originally. If you don’t want to read anything in here, that’s fine. While this headcanon is apart of this blog, not all of this is going to show up in most of the threads, so don’t worry. Also this is part 1/? who knows how many meta talks i’ll be having about Claire.  

I'm really nervous about sharing this but I really want to, so that said, let’s get into this. 

Her first introduction into sex was after their parents died, because despite how horrible Harold Barton was, he sheltered his children (imho) from things like sex and relationship and their mother figured they were too young to even really talk about anything like sex and finding love. So, her first introduction was with the man who did the orphanage’s laundry. He thought she was pretty and she was just terrified and unable to really find a niche in the home and so she looked for places to hide which is where he found her, hiding and he took advantage of her. When her and Barney managed to run, she tried to leave behind the icky feelings that came from what happened to her, but she was never able to really get rid of them. 

Which leads to..

Claire’s first time was with Viktor, the son of the fortune teller at the circus. She was 15 years old and he was 17 and she didn’t love him. But after breaking up with a townie shortly before going on the road again, Viktor offered to take her to a party where they got drunk and slept together in the bedroom of some townie who they didn’t know and honestly, she loved it. Afterwards though, she quietly sobbed in the bathroom, mentally eviscerating herself for sleeping with someone she didn’t love because that meant that the laundry guy was right; she was a whore. 

(of course we know that is a big ass lie) 

After that, Claire got herself another boyfriend, this time a little older (which is very illegal) and focused on trying to ignore the overwhelming feelings of complete dirtiness that came from all her drinking and fucking. He was a townie and believed her when she said she was old enough. After a few weeks, she got sick of him and broke up. But then she realised that she was getting sick in the mornings shortly after and that was the first time Claire got pregnant. At 16, she couldn’t be a parent, she was hardly a functioning adult. But she didn’t want to have an abortion, she was raised in a religious orphanage and thought that it was wrong. 

It didn’t matter though, the strain of training and the violence that she lived with in the circus caused her to miscarry and while she cried daily about it, there was a little part of her that was relieved that she didn’t have to figure out what to do anymore. Her relief lasted shortly though as she realized that with losing the baby, she gained a crippling sleeping problem that made her drink more and act out. She waited a bit to start dating again, she had heard that if you had sex after being pregnant (even if you had a miscarriage) you could risk getting pregnant again and she was too terrified of that. 

Though after a few months of not sleeping unless she was piss drink, Claire went back to dating and sleeping around because the nightmares from when she was younger was scarier than the nightmares of getting pregnant. Her first “boyfriend” after her miscarriage was the Strongman of the circus. He was violent and reminded her of her father and she made sure that no matter how drunk she was, she took the birth control that she had stolen. She refused to end up like her mother: shackled to a man who abused her and her kids. After a few months, she broke it off with him. Sorta. He was not one to take no for an answer so Claire just ignored most of his advances and slept with a knife under the bed. 

(Even if that didn’t protect her all the time) 

After the circus and the relationships that destroyed her understanding of basic relationships, Claire would get drunk and sleep with whoever was nearby. Sometimes, she would sleep with her marks or people who employed her and she occasionally dealt with people who refused her saying no unless she held a gun to their heads. ( unfortunately, more than once she had incidents where she didn’t have a weapon to protect herself and despite her training there are people stronger than her       it’s why she has so many scars on her body ) 

That was until she came across a situation where she felt she had fallen in love with a mark; sure he was wanted for a lot of things ( murder, thievery, being a turncoat, things that claire normally abhorred ) but he valued her opinions and made her feel wanted. Deciding to stay with him for a bit, she lived on the run with him and they decided they were going to start a family. But things weren’t as they seemed and shortly after she got pregnant - whoo boy did that do a huge damage on her mentality - he went missing. Too far along for an abortion, Claire was forced to carry the baby to term. 

Throughout it all, she suffered mentally. Her body changed in a way she didn’t like, she was forced to go into hiding until after she went into labor, she was forced to deal with nightmares every night she was actually able to go to sleep. She wanted to drink, all the time, but she didn’t because she didn’t want to hurt the baby even if she didn’t want it. Claire tried to find him all the time but she couldn’t and by time she actually gave birth, she was severely depressed and ready to end her life. 

Giving birth was the worst part of her life, she hated every second of the event and when she had given birth to the baby, she refused to hold the child. Everyone chalked it up to postpartum depression but Claire knew it was because this child wasn’t going to stay with her. She wasn’t going to risk giving the child up for adoption in a foster system - she had been a victim of it and she refused to do that to a child she didn’t want - but she knew she had to get rid of the kid. 

She spent a year looking and after finding a family that wanted a child (after secretly watching them for that length of time) she left the baby with them, swearing to watch over the child to make sure it was loved and cared for and promising to leave money in their bank account every month to help them. 

Not long after that, Claire was picked up by SHIELD and became an agent. During the beginning she was sent on honeypot missions (not that often but enough that Claire has developed a healthy hatred of trying to seduce someone and now just flirts really bad) and Claire hated every bit of it, and she eventually told her handlers that she refused to do those types of missions anymore because she felt uncomfortable using her body in such a way. Her first handler (before Coulson) didn’t care and told her that she was a weapon to be used how SHIELD wanted because she was a criminal who belonged in prison not working for the government.

Claire bucked it up and continued to do whatever mission that was sent her way. If a few of her missions lead to sexual harassment then she didn't complain. She knew her place - even if she argued with it. By time she finally decided that she had had enough, she was having hard time sleeping, nightmares and just hated working there, and so she decided to approach Fury and tell him to toss her in prison, at least there she had a chance to escape. When asked where all the negative emotions were coming from, Claire explained what was going on and Fury was not happy. 

She got a brand new handler and life at SHIELD got a bit easier to deal with. But there was still some trauma that was not dealt with because even though she was forced to go to aSHIELD therapist, she refused to truly talk about why honeypot missions bugged her and so she didn’t really deal with it. 

Which leads to..

Future relationships with Claire is so low maintenance (even if she does occasionally have problems where she cheats without meaning to) that she honestly just wants to cuddle and not discuss her past relations with her partner. When it comes to kids, oh god does she have problems. She wants them, she really does, but at the same time, she’s still haunted by the child she left behind. Any relationship she would have is a relationship built on trust and love and she’s terrified that finding out that she has a child, that finding out that her entire sexually history is tainted by dark heavy stuff that she’d rather just never explain will destroy any relationship. 

If it ever came to discussing having kids, Claire would probably have an internal freak-out and then, after trying to ignore it for so long, Claire would explain her history of pregnancy and talk about it with them. If she ever got pregnant, she’d deal with it badly by talking with her partner and a lot of communication by hiding it in the beginning, she would be terrified that they’d leave if they found out (because last time she thought she had a forever relationship, it went badly). When it came out, she would be over consumed by feelings and in some situations (if she felt too confined) she might even leave. Eventually she’d just come out and explain that when she was younger she had a child, gave it up and has felt horrible about it for years. She knows that she can’t take it back and she really doesn’t want to, but she would still regret it.

Eventually after much therapy, she would learn that what happen wasn’t her fault and that she is better than what her past was. She would also learn (after taking parenting classes) how to be a better parent. Because while much of her trauma towards children settle deeply from what was done to her and how she reacted towards it, a lot of it still stems from the abuse that was done to her by her father. Honestly, relationships would be hard even if she wasn’t abused, because she would be terrified of ending up like her mother or ending up like her father and not trusting herself not to end up like either of them. 

OTHER THINGS: 

Claire struggles with insecurity due to the abuse she suffered. In a relationship, she struggles with feeling good enough for the other person and she also struggles with drinking during a relationship. She feels like she doesn’t deserve her partner and will show it by either attaching herself to the other person or distancing herself.

[drowngrief]

   written    on     RELIGIOUS  PERCEPTIONS     in    relation    to    my    portrayal    of    brooke .

A . )       parental    influence    played    a    considerable    role    in    brooke’s    views       &       alignments in    regards    to    the    aforementioned .    

  –  quinn      subscribed    somewhat    silently    to    christianity ,         only    occasionally     attending      masses    for    christmas           (      &     easter ,       sometimes     )         in    order    to    maintain    a    stronger   public    image       &       appeal to a broader audience when the time came to run for mayor    ;         while    he    ran    as    a    republican    candidate ,          he    was    aware    that    there    were    always    a    handful    of    more    radical    people    who    were    likely    to hold what he did    in    public    against    him    if    he    didn’t    make   a    point    to    show    any    form    of    religious    faith .  

  –  monica ,    however ,       with    her    long  -  repressed    wanderlust       &       recurrent    need    for    something    new ,       found    her    form(s)    of    solace    through    gradually    increasing    absences       &       vagrancy ,        the    latter    both    in    a    literal       &       religious    sense .      she was brought up by catholic  parents  ––        her    mother    on    the    more    devout    end    with    her    father    more    untraceable    due    to    his    absences ,        which    overshadowed    his    wife’s    desire    to    make    spirituality    more    of    a    method    of    family    bonding  ––     but    fell    into    the    common    currents    of    her    father’s    absences come the later end    of    her    sophomore    year    in    high school .         she    didn’t    ‘fall’    into    partying ,      necessarily ,         but    slowly    realized    that    she    could    manipulate    herself    into    a    sense    of    belonging    somewhere    with    the    help    of    more    open  -  minded    friends       &       a    less    restrictive    environment .             she    then    fully    adopted the    more    open  -  minded    outlook    that    she    had    never    been    allowed    to    embrace    due    to    a    sense    of    obligation .       this    newfound    freedom    led    to    her    looking    into    different    belief    systems with    unparalleled    alacrity .        she    was    both    in    search    of    with    which    she    felt     most    connected    to      & ,       perhaps    more    importantly ,         which    could    be    used    to    help    her    to    achieve    the   furthest    distance    from    her    mother’s    looking  -  over  -  her  -  shoulder    nature    of    imposing .                                  +     this    also    serves    as    an    example    of    a    subconscious    imitation    of    her     father  ––         not    being    around    the    house ,         not    being    direct    in     whether     or    not    she      parallels    with    her    mother’s       (     rather    filmsy     )        set    of    rules    or    not .  

 in    regards    to     the    afterlife    specifically ,         quinn    feigns    whole  -  hearted    belief    in    heaven       &       hell ,       when ,       in    reality ,      he    is     too    reluctant     to    accept    anything    so    abstract    as    a    stone    cold    truth .         monica    appears    with    the    family    in    church    when    they    go      (    until  her    substance    abuse    worsens     )       to    help    promote    the    maddox    image ,       but    is    more    into    the    idea    of    reincarnation    than    anything    else   ––     at    least,        that    has    been    the    most    sticking    of    the    many .  

                            SO  WHERE  DOES  THIS  LEAVE  BROOKE ?

B . )       confused ,       perhaps ,      if    she    cared    a    bit    more    about    it    as    a    child .     when     once    asked    by    a    classmate    in    primary    school ,       brooke    told    them that    the    family    was catholic    without    giving   the    matter    much    thought  ––         it    was    hardly    discussed    in    the   house ,       &       they    went    to    a    catholic    church    to    celebrate    christmas    mass .        that    must    be it ,      then .         but    monica ,       who    had    jumped    at    the    first    opportunity    to    break    away    from that    mold ,           made    a    point    to    tell    her    that    they    weren’t    a    part    of    that    particular    denomination ,          leaving    her    with    no    solid    answers .

                                             so  brooke  didn’t  ask.

she simply assumed her family to reside somewhere on the spectrum of christianity ,         not opposing to mass until she reached the fifth grade      (     &       only because she dreaded the great  lull of the service     ) .          she assumed the same beliefs that her father projected for a while ––   life   after death ––   but rapidly began to question them with the influence of   online information      &       conversations  heard       &       had  among      /      with    peers.        (     not much was really questioned or challenged ,         as   the image of the family’s spirituality was fabricated      &     rarely touched upon as a family ––    monica stuck to her own on her wavering beliefs for a while.)  this went on through until brooke’s junior year of high school  ––      an idly lying    belief   canceled out by latent skepticism was forced to its crux   with   the string of murders    beginning with nina patterson .

   this ––    nina’s murder standing alone ––     was not what brought the question to its pinnacle.     brooke thought nina’s murder to be a totally freak,   one-time thing .     so ,     what was it  ?

                                                                     RILEY’S.

C . )    riley’s death  is what confirmed brooke’s original theory ––    that an attack on the second generation after the brandon james attacks would just be too lifetime movie esque to come true ––   to be fallacious .

   brooke finding out that ghostface’s texts put her    &    riley as the choose-between would  absolutely have the fault    /    responsibility-inducing effect on brooke, but from a smaller, more basic       &       emotion-desiccated viewpoint, the event & choice could be seen as something of a miracle .      don’t misinterpret––   brooke is nowhere near grateful that the victim was riley,     &      she would have rathered it be herself, but having fate twist in her favor in that way       (     beyond what money or her family is able to provide     )        would feel surreal for anyone.      she often finds herself consumed in the butterfly effect regarding this tragedy more than any other in her life,    leading to dreams in which she was the one murdered, in which she was the one who actually killed riley,        &       in which she feels the link on the handcuffs attaching her to the bedpost gradually growing white-hot until the pain is too much to bear. (the beginnings of survivor’s guilt.)

    brooke has never been one to look for the paranormal elements in her day to day life,     nor is it something that she’s into at all, but after riley’s death, there occasionally seemed to be a sort of unspoken presence in brooke’s house  in her bedroom      &     living room (a cooler draft, the creaking of floorboards under prodding feet). there also seemed to be more starless nights ––    even though louisiana offers no stunning view to begin with ––    after riley’s death,       &       things as simple as light refracted off of a glass     &     thrown into crystalline patterns on the walls brought back broken memories of better days .

basis  :       riley’s murder simultaneously heightened brooke’s belief in a god        (     without her even being that aware of it    )       &       made her internal denial of god’s existence even stronger .

D . )       the second influential event  on brooke’s faith was jake being stabbed in the chest in 1.07.     she tells noah in the beginning of 1.08 how the doctors described the knife missing jake’s organs as a MIRACLE,     &      to a logistical extent, is inclined to label his survival the same way.

   this was even after she did the inadvisable out of panic ––   pulling the knife out.     once again,    some bizarre,    too-good-to-be-true outward thing has righted one of her committed wrongs,      &     she does not at all feel deserving.

                                                  so one miracle kills while another saves .

   with her mother’s well being dangling in midair at this point in canon, she almost feels the twisted luck to point more towards the wanchancy of further familial corruption gone unseen  ––    it gives her a reason to be more suspicious that quinn might have done off with monica.

    in her childhood, she was fairly used to getting what she wanted ––    perhaps, she thinks, her mother’s fate being the opposite of what she hopes it to be would serve as another example of the universe putting her in the balance’s sternum, if only to see the next move she’ll make. it may also serve as some twisted form of karma –––   a way for the world to reinforce the mantra of “you can’t always get what you want”.

basis  :      jake surviving the bowling alley attack throws her for a serious loop in the attempt to determine exactly where she stands on the existence of a god.     here ,     she begins to lean more towards belief.

E . )     closely following the description of jake’s survival, however, arrived the news of will’s death.    this marked the loss of four of brooke’s closest acquaintances at the start of the series.      while it didn’t have as distinctive or lasting of an impact as some of the other losses suffered in brooke’s life,    the timing of it offered a wall for the gaining momentum of her blossoming belief to crash full-force into.      it seriously challenged any form of optimism that came with the ‘miraculous’ survival.      here is where she is forced to come to terms with agnosticism,      &      it only continues to sprout from this event      &      the conflicting viewpoints that came with the real-life contrast .

F . )     the deciding event in terms of her view on the afterlife occurred in 1.10, when she was locked into the freezer & stabbed at.    this event is later referenced in her carnival speech in 2.08 :    

         “  i almost died.    & you know what i saw ?    nothing. no white light.    just big,    black,    empty nothing.  ”

    in a world where near death experiences are so often exalted      &      then used as fuel for intense cultural involvement          (     books ,      movies ,       constant news interviews     ––––––      think of colton burpo’s experience      &     how it was made into something for everyone to know every detail about    –––––     brooke not only felt for some time as though she had gotten the short end of the stick,     but also thought this even more of a reason to keep her own experience to herself.       she didn’t open up to anyone about how the freezer incident felt         (     in the heat of it or the aftermath     )       until intoxication blended with fury on the stage at lakewood’s carnival .    

    in the future,       brooke will not find spirituality as a stronghold in difficult times or when memories trigger pain.    the concept makes her feel too vulnerable,         &        the slope has proven itself to be far too slippery to place any trust in.