#as a long lost dream i can never attain

[j-femmescoli]

i had my potential roommates fuck up and make us lose out on our (my dream) apartment by not filing their documents in time before another group swept in and got signed so i sent them a really long text explaining how disappointed i am and how i felt like i did most of the work for this apartment because i wanted to be moved in in like 2 weeks and now i have to find a place before school starts in, again, like 2 weeks and then saying that im gonna move on and look for a place without them because i dont want to go thru this again and now im worried that it's too aggressive.

[vn-translations]

Game: Diabolik Lovers, More Blood

Prologue Translation:

— Do you desire eternal life? — I asked him.

He looked at me seriously but then involuntarily laughed and replied:

"Better to be a pig and enjoy life than to be human and suffer."

I gazed at him, realizing he was right. That was precisely the answer I had been seeking.

Naturally, he continued.

"I want you to observe this entire world. My life has likely already come to an end."

I nodded, smiling.

Even though this agreement was made so effortlessly, I could feel how heavy and significant it truly was.

I will watch through his eyes. Until the very end of this world…

How beings different from humans interact with this world and change it.

This in no way contradicts my fate—possessing eternal life.

Having attained human wisdom, fully understanding the truth, and choosing to live as a human in his stead…

???

But I am in despair. This feeling of loss…

???

What has been lost? There is no answer to this question…

???

By consuming the forbidden fruit, humanity gained the ability to survive… But in return, we lost something truly important…

???

Everything withers, decays, and eventually sinks into the chair bearing the name "decline"…

???

Is there anything left to do but entrust everything to the new Eve…?

Yui: What…!?

Yui: (Just now… I heard an incredible sound…?)

Yui: What…?

Yui: (It was so close… It sounded like something exploded… but nothing has really changed, right…?)

Yui: Did I imagine it? Eh? A-Ahh…!

Ayato: Su… su… octopus… octopus… legs…

Yui: A-Ayato!? Why are you here? Wait… octopus?!

Yui: Last night, when I went to bed, I was definitely alone… But… what…?

Laito: Heh… You’re such a cutie… Look, here… here’s where Laito-kun’s mouth is♪

Yui: Even you, Laito-kun…

Yui: Besides… it seems like they’re having some kind of strange dream… I don’t even want to think about it…

Kanato: Mmm… Teddy… I can’t eat anymore… mmm…

Yui: Kanato-kun… you too…?

Yui: (Hmm… The moment I thought this dream was strange, suddenly, these three ended up in my bed…)

Yui: (I’ll try to slip away quietly… As long as no one wakes up…)

???

...Stop.

Yui: Eh…!?

Ayato: And where do you think you’re going, leaving me behind? Hey, Pancake.

Yui: Ayato-kun… You… woke up?

Ayato: Woke up? Of course. So come on, answer my question.

Yui: Well… The thing is… my throat is dry, so I… Could you please move aside a little?

Ayato: Nope.

Yui: No, seriously… I just… I really just want to get some water… I swear.

Laito: Oh-oh, how naughty, Bitch-chan…

Yui: Laito-kun…!?

Laito: It’s not you who’s thirsty… it’s us. Hehehe…

Laito: For starters, isn’t it only fair that you quench your master’s thirst first—me? Hmph…

Yui: But… even if you say that…

Kanato: Well, obviously… I thought that much was clear and didn’t need to be said out loud…

Yui: Kanato-kun… even you…!?

Kanato:

It seems you take us for fools… Do you think you can do whatever you want while we’re asleep?

Yui:

I would never… do anything like that…

Kanato:

Just admit it already…!

Yui:

But… even if you demand a confession…

(What a nightmare… No matter how absurd his demands are, I have no choice… But… I can’t just leave things as they are…)

Ayato:

Hey, Kanato, enough already! Move aside. I just woke up, and I’m really thirsty.

Ayato:

Hey, Pancake, give me a drink…

Yui:

(N-not this again…! In the end, it always turns out like this!)

Ayato:

Hehehe… Come on, be a good girl.

Yui:

W-wait… just a minute…!!

Laito:

Well, well, Ayato-kun. Is it really fair to keep everything to yourself? Hmph.

Laito:

Did you forget? Bitch-chan belongs to all of us. We made a gentleman’s agreement, remember?

Ayato:

Idiot. I’m not trying to claim her for myself. I’m just the first one drinking, that’s all.

Laito:

Your tone… I really don’t like it.

Kanato:

Exactly… Please don’t make decisions for me without my consent.

Ayato:

Stop whining… In that case, why don’t we just do it together?!

Laito:

Nfu… Everything is going just as it should. Ah, what a sight—three vampires gathering like a pack…

Laito:

Just imagining this obedient little thing trembling… Ah, it gives me chills of pleasure…!

Yui:

W-wait… Just hold on a moment… This is…!

Ayato:

What’s wrong… Huh? Just admit it—you like it, don’t you? I can see the excitement running through you, even though you try to hide it… Well?

Kanato:

Fufu… Yes, that’s right. I love being treated like a doll, as if I’m part of a game…

Yui:

That’s not true at all…!

Laito:

Ha… Even if you argue with that flushed face, it’s pointless… I’m already at my limit…

Laito:

Bitch-chan, let me savor your delicious blood~ ♪

Yui:

N-not this…!!

Yui:

(I-if this keeps going, these three…!!)

Yui:

W-why does this have to happen now…!!

Yui:

(My body… won’t move…)

Ayato:

Hahaha… Ha… Pancake, your blood… it’s exquisite… This really is the finest quality…

Ayato:

So? Are you ready? I’m going to sink my fangs… deep… so you won’t be able to resist anymore…

Kanato:

Haa… Hey, look at me… Only at me…

Kanato:

Open your eyes wide and witness everything until the very end… Hehe…

Yui:

N-no…!!

???

Stop this right now.

Yui:

Eh—!?

Reiji:

Hmph… It seems you’ve once again decided to feast in such an indecent manner…

Reiji:

Ignorance compounded with ill manners. You all ought to learn some shame.

Yui:

Reiji-san…

Yui:

(Thank goodness… I was saved…!)

Ayato:

Tch… What the hell… Even in moments like this, this uptight glasses-wearing bastard has to interfere!

Reiji:

I don’t believe I could simply stand idly by. And please, stop addressing me with those ridiculous nicknames.

Reiji:

Now then, young lady. Enough standing there with that bewildered look—come here.

Yui:

Ah…!

Reiji:

You demonstrate a complete lack of caution, sleeping so defenselessly. That’s precisely why these fools take every opportunity to invade your bed.

Yui:

I-I’m sorry…

Reiji:

Hah… I wonder if you’re truly remorseful for your actions.

Yui:

(But… I locked the door before going to bed…!)

Reiji:

Come now, stop behaving so carelessly and stand up.

Laito:

Mfu… Now that all the fun has been ruined right in front of me, I don’t feel like doing anything anymore.

Kanato:

Exactly… If I collapse at school, it’ll be your fault… and Reiji’s.

Yui:

No way…!

Reiji:

Kanato, despite your appearance, I know very well that your body is perfectly fine.

Reiji:

Laito! Does your resolve and enthusiasm only surface in the presence of women?

Laito:

Hmph. Well, you hit the nail on the head… Ah…

Laito:

Oh well, nothing to be done. I suppose I’ll just have to endure the boredom of class while pretending to be interested…

Reiji:

You do realize that another suspension from school is unacceptable. Father has made it quite clear—there will be no second chances.

Laito:

Oh dear, how terrifying… Heh…

Ayato:

Tch… Hey, Pancake, if you thought you could escape, you’re gravely mistaken!

Kanato:

Exactly…! I’ll stay mad until I drink your blood… So you’d better prepare yourself!

Yui:

(Sigh…)

Reiji:

A sigh of relief is hardly appropriate. You should reflect on the seriousness of your situation.

Reiji:

Do you understand? Your blood…

Yui:

…!?

Reiji:

It’s more special than anyone else’s…

Yui:

I… I think I understand that, in my own way, but…

Reiji:

If you say you understand, then shouldn’t you be a little more careful? …Even towards me.

Reiji:

…Why won’t you look at me?

Yui:

N-no… It’s just… your face is so close… and…

Reiji:

And… what else…?

Yui:

M-my waist… his hand…

Reiji:

This is so you can better understand your position. Consider it a lesson.

Yui:

(Ugh… Reiji-san… He’s frighteningly calm…)

Yui:

Please… let me go…

Reiji:

If you truly understand, then try to grasp the situation you’re in a little better, alright?

Reiji:

As for you, you’ve dressed yourself up like a neatly wrapped present and now wander around as if you’re just waiting for someone to unwrap you.

Reiji:

You are utterly unbearable. These kinds of reckless actions… Though, I suppose I expected nothing better from my foolish brothers.

Reiji:

Observing your foolish behavior or mimicking you by diving into extremes? No, thank you. I have no need for such things, nor do I find them remotely interesting.

Reiji:

However, if you continue being this defenseless, then even I, no matter how much I try, may not be able to restrain my rational impulses.

Reiji:

See? Like this…

Yui:

Ehh…!?

Yui:

(R-Reiji-san too…?!)

Yui:

N-no… Stop… Stop it!!

Reiji:

You really are foolish.

Yui:

Eh…!? Were you… just mocking me?

Reiji:

Don’t trouble yourself with questions about things that should be obvious.

Reiji:

Are you disappointed? That I didn’t drink your blood…?

Yui:

Not at all…

Reiji:

Now then, put yourself together. The limousine will arrive in twenty minutes.

Yui:

Y-yes… understood…

Reiji:

Oh, right. How is your heart? Everything in order?

Yui:

Eh…!? What…?

Reiji:

Hmph… Well, then…

Yui:

(…For some reason, Reiji-san seemed so mysterious just now…)

Yui:

…I should get ready…

After my father, who served as a priest, was transferred abroad, it has been almost a month since I moved in with the Sakamaki family.

It may sound rude of me to say this, but the people living in this house are… a little strange.

Just earlier, there were three brothers—Ayato-kun, Kanato-kun, and Laito-kun—lying in my bed.

And the one who came in to scold them was the second son, Reiji-san.

Besides them, although I haven’t seen them yet today, the eldest son, Shu-san, and the youngest, Subaru-kun, also live in this house.

It’s hard to believe, but all of them—six brothers—are vampires.

And I was told that my blood and heart are special, so they keep me here as a source of nourishment, preventing me from escaping.

During the day, I attend Rintei Academy, a night school for students with various circumstances. At first glance, it allows me to live a seemingly normal life, but…

Yui:

(Living with vampires and letting them drink my blood… This is anything but normal…)

Yui:

(And yet… Why did Reiji-san suddenly ask about my heart…?)

…I only learned about this after coming here: my heart had actually been transplanted from Cordelia—the mother of three of the brothers, including Ayato-kun.

I don’t know all the details, but they say it was done by a man named Richter, their uncle.

It is said that Cordelia was the daughter of the Demon King and possessed special blood. If her heart remains intact, she can be resurrected.

They say my blood is special because Cordelia’s heart, the heart of the Demon King’s daughter, resides within me…

Yui:

(But isn’t it strange to be worrying about this now? Or is it just my imagination?)

Yui:

Well then, time to go.

Yui:

(If I’m late, Reiji-san will scold me again.)

Yui:

Uh… Did I forget anything? I need my textbooks for Japanese, math, and… English… My dictionary is still at school, isn’t it?

Yui:

Ah, I also need to return a book to the library. I think it’s due today or tomorrow…

Yui:

What…!? T-this…?

???

Tch…

Yui:

Shu… Shu-san…!?

Yui:

(While I was lost in thought… I accidentally stepped on him…!)

Shu:

I was just sleeping… And you decided to wake me up by stepping on my foot?

Yui:

I-I’m so sorry…!!

Yui:

(But still… Sleeping in the hallway…?)

Shu:

Haa… Damn it… I woke up…

Yui:

I’m sorry… really, I’m sorry.

Shu:

Apologies won’t change anything, you know.

Yui:

Then… what should I do…?

Shu:

Ugh… How exhausting… Do I really have to spell it out for you…?

Yui:

Eh…!?

Shu:

Blood. The only thing you can offer me… is your blood, right?

Yui:

I know I stepped on you, but…

Shu:

If you really feel bad about it… Isn’t there something only you can do?

Yui:

Eh… What…!?

Shu:

Say it: "Please, drink my blood." That’s how you can make it up to me.

Yui:

(Ehh, but that’s…! That’s outrageous! What kind of demand is that?!)

Shu:

…Seems like you still don’t get it… You’re too naïve.

Yui:

Ch… …!!

???

Hey, demon.

Shu:

… Huh?

Yui:

…Subaru-kun…?

Subaru:

Stop making a scene in the hallway.

Shu:

Don’t interrupt my breakfast…

Subaru:

Tch, seriously, quit bothering me this early in the morning!

Shu:

…This is exhausting… I’m done. Someone, take him and drag him away.

Subaru:

…Tch, come on.

Yui:

Ah… Y-yeah…

Yui:

(Subaru-kun… Did he just help me?)

Yui:

Ah, um… Subaru-kun… Thank you for what you did earlier…

Subaru:

Hey, you! Quit pushing your luck!

Yui:

…!?

Subaru:

Do you even realize what you’re doing? Stop walking around spreading that tempting scent!

Yui:

But… how am I supposed to control something like that…?

Subaru:

If you enjoy being in these situations, I won’t stop you. But if you don’t—figure out a way to avoid them.

Yui:

…Sorry… Reiji-san just told me the same thing not long ago…

Subaru:

Tch. Then be more careful. You do realize you’re walking around like bait in a cage full of predators, don’t you?

Yui:

Y-yeah… I understand…

Subaru:

Hmph. Don’t apologize to me, it’s annoying. And what are you even doing here dressed like that?

Yui:

Why…?

Subaru:

If you have nowhere else to go, shouldn’t you think about how to survive on your own? You do have a brain, don’t you?

Yui:

I understand…

Yui:

Ah… really…?

Yui:

(I can’t… My thoughts keep returning to what just happened…)

Yui:

(Why am I not running away from here…?)

Yui:

Aaaah…!

Yui:

(What was that…? What just happened…?)

???

You have awakened, Eve.

Yui:

Eh…!? Who are you…?

???

Me? Is it really that important for you to know who I am?

Yui:

Of course, I need to know…!

???

Hahaha. You always strive to uncover the truth.

Yui:

Um… Excuse me, but my name is not Eve.

???

Ideally, I wouldn’t want to resort to force…

???

You’re rushing me too much… I only wanted to rely on your power and wait for everything to ripen naturally.

???

The fruit has rotted and fallen…

???

I had no other choice, so I brought you here.

Yui:

E-eh… well…

???

What do you think causes decay?

Yui:

Eh…?

???

You don’t understand? …Well, no matter.

???

When we meet again, I will teach you the principle of decomposition.

Yui:

…!? Wait… Stop…!!

Yui:

…!?

Kanato:

Oh, it looks like you’ve woken up… Honestly… Don’t scare us like that again.

Yui:

That person… Who was he…?

Laito:

That person? Hmm… I wonder who you mean?

Reiji:

It seems she’s still disoriented from the shock of the incident. Honestly… Such trouble from humans.

Yui:

Incident…? Ah, right… But what exactly… happened to me…?

Shu:

Honestly… You just lost consciousness.

Yui:

Eh…!?

Reiji:

It’s fortunate that nothing worse happened… But the question remains—where did the culprit disappear to?

Reiji:

Seriously… Crashing into our car and then fleeing? How insolent.

Ayato:

Hmm, was this really done by a human?

Reiji:

Our car is driven by a demon from the underworld. So, obviously, it couldn’t have been the work of a mere human.

Laito:

Hmm… So it was someone from the underworld… Could it be the work of one of the dark bloodline dynasties?

Kanato:

Isn’t it obvious?

Subaru:

Hah… Our family has more than enough reasons for people to hate us to death. It’s not surprising, is it?

Shu:

Ugh… This is exhausting. Honestly, I don’t care…

Reiji:

Either way, let’s leave this place for now. We’ll leave the rest to the servants.

Yui:

Are we really… just going to leave like this? Is that okay?

Reiji:

If we stay, things will only become more complicated and troublesome. Or do you wish to remain here alone?

Yui:

N-no…

Yui:

(…What was that just now? Can this really end just like this…?)

Yui:

(Who could have been behind this? And… that felt like a strange dream… Who was he, really…?)

Yui:

(Am I overthinking things… or not…?)

???

…Hmm, quite a lovely neck.

???

Those guys… They realized this was the work of a vampire. Are you sure this won’t be a problem?

???

Hah… Who cares… They’ll figure out soon enough who we really are anyway. So why worry?

???

…So this is Eve… So it really is her.

???

Hmph. She looks like she’s been well tamed… And yet, if she is Eve… It’s almost laughable.

???

Hah, but I kind of like girls like that… She looks like she’ll be fun to play with.

???

If you need a toy, find someone else. This girl belongs to Him. Let’s go.

???

Alright, alright…

???

This girl… She has that same scent… It’s unsettling…

Ayato:

It’s been a while since someone tried to provoke me so directly.

Laito:

Indeed. Honestly, I never thought that guy would force us to act in this world again. Hm-hm.

Yui:

What happened earlier… Is this really okay?

Kanato:

Yes. We’ve been targeted before.

Yui:

Why…?

Laito:

Hmhmm… So many fools. They keep fighting for His place, never stopping even for a second. Can’t they just give up already?

Yui:

(“That person”… They must be talking about their father, right? The politician, Tougo Sakamaki…)

Yui:

(A man whose name even I have heard of… was actually a vampire…)

Yui:

(Maybe there are far more non-humans around than I’ve ever realized…)

???

Ah! There you are!!

Ayato:

Hah? And who the hell are you…?

Reinhard:

Eh? Oh, I’m Reinhard. The school doctor.

Laito:

Mmm… Something doesn’t add up… The school doctor? Funny. Wasn’t it a woman before?

Reinhard:

That lovely lady went on maternity leave. So starting today, I was asked to take over her duties.

Laito:

Hmm… I see… Got it…

Yui:

Excuse me… Doctor, is something wrong…?

Reinhard:

Yes, actually. I need to speak with you.

Ayato:

Hey, you! What’s the deal? First, explain what’s going on. What’s your real intention coming here?

Reinhard:

Ah, sorry, sorry. When I caught a glimpse of her, she didn’t seem to be in the best condition…

Yui:

What? Me? No, no… I’m fine, really…

Laito:

Why not? Let’s go to the infirmary. It’s way better than sitting through these boring classes.

Ayato:

Hey, Laito, where do you think you’re going? You think I’m just going to let you skip class like nothing happened?!

Laito:

You’re so stubborn, Ayato. Relax, I’m not running away. I just decided to skip a few lessons. Haha, isn’t this much more interesting?

Laito:

The gift that Bitch-chan presented to me, I accepted with gratitude. Why don’t you two accept it as well? Haha, wouldn’t it only be fair if everyone got their own little piece of pleasure?

Kanato:

Hmm, there is some truth in Laito’s words… Very well, I agree. Let’s go. Sensei, do you have anything sweet in your infirmary?

Reinhard:

Well, it seems you have quite an unusual pack of knights.

Yui:

U-uh… I suppose…

Yui:

(They’re vampires, so calling them ‘knights’ doesn’t quite fit… to say the least…)

Yui:

Strangely enough, Sensei, you immediately noticed I wasn’t well, even from a distance…

Reinhard:

Hmm… I think it’s because of your aura…

Yui:

Aura!?

Reinhard:

Haha. Yes, I can see such things. But it seems I was mistaken this time.

Yui:

(Aura… Can you really determine someone’s condition with it…?)

Laito:

Hey, Sensei, what color is her aura~? If I had to guess, I’d say a soft pink.

Reinhard:

Haha. Determining a color isn’t easy… But if I had to be precise… it would probably be ash gray.

Yui:

Ash gray…!?

Yui:

Doctor…?

Reinhard:

How are you feeling? Are you sure you're alright?

Yui:

Ah, yes, thanks to you.

Yui:

(Strange… I actually feel even better than before. As if a heavy weight has been lifted, and my body feels so light.)

Reinhard:

I see.

Yui:

…?

Ayato:

Honestly, humans are so fragile. They’re completely useless. Hey, Doc, at least make some tea or something.

Reinhard:

Now, now… Classes are about to start. If you want tea, you’ll have to wait for another time.

Ayato:

What?! Are you serious?

Laito:

Mmm… You know, I wouldn’t mind lounging on this bed a little longer. Bitch-chan, why are you just standing there? Come on, climb in. I promise it’ll be fun~

Yui:

A-Ah! I’m going to class!

Kanato:

No, I’m not going. Right, Teddy?

Reinhard:

Come now, don’t be difficult. Here, have a candy.

Kanato:

Hmph. Do you think a sweet will appease me? How naïve… But, I suppose I’ll take it.

Yui:

Thank you, Doctor.

Reinhard:

No need to thank me. If you ever have any troubles, come to me anytime.

Yui:

Yes!

Yui:

(He’s so considerate… He immediately noticed I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to help. After all, he is a doctor…)

Yui:

(There’s always something strange happening around me… And I feel like I’m starting to get caught up in it myself…)

Reinhard:

………

Laito:

You know… I think there’s something off about this doctor. Don’t you find him… a little suspicious?

Yui:

Eh?

Ayato:

Hmm, yeah… There’s a seriously predatory scent around him.

Yui:

Um… really? Everything seems normal to me… Though, after everything that’s happened… maybe you’re just overthinking it.

Kanato:

That’s not what we mean at all!!

Yui:

…!?

Kanato:

That man… he is absolutely interested in you.

Yui:

E-eh!?

Laito:

Nfu… So you noticed too, Kanato-kun? See! I told you he was suspicious.

Yui:

No, that’s not true at all…! He’s the school doctor—his job is to look after the students’ health. I’m sure he’s just being considerate.

Ayato:

Hah, you sure are quick for a pathetic little blood bag, aren’t you?

Yui:

… … …

Yui:

(I really don’t like this… If I get stuck here, this could turn into a serious problem…)

Yui:

Hey, we’re about to be late for class! Let’s just go already!

Ayato:

Hey! Wait!

Yui:

(If I keep hanging around with them, they’ll just drain me dry! How am I supposed to have enough blood for all this?!)

Yui:

Sigh… I feel even more exhausted than usual today.

[Second Scene]

Schoolgirl A:

Oh, Komori-san, sorry… Can I ask you for a favor?

Yui:

What is it?

Schoolgirl A:

I need to go home urgently. Could you cover my cleaning duty?

Yui:

Yes, of course.

Schoolgirl A:

Really?! You’re a lifesaver! Thank you so much!

Yui:

(Alright… Since the limousine broke down today, it looks like no one’s coming to pick me up… Well, I’ll just finish cleaning up and head home!)

Yui:

Phew… There, all done.

Yui:

(By the way… Ayato-kun and the others… I wonder where they went?)

Yui:

(Strange… They usually stay in class until someone comes to get them… But today, no one’s here.)

Yui:

(Well, maybe they’ll be back soon. I’ll just take out the trash in the meantime.)

Yui:

Alright, all done…

???

Is livestock really allowed to wander around on its own, away from its master?

Yui:

Eh?

Yui:

(Who is that? I’ve never seen him before… Maybe he’s a senior student?)

???

“What?” Are you mocking me?!

Yui:

A-ah! What are you—!?

???

I’ve waited so long… And now, we can finally talk… Right, Eve?

Yui:

Eve!?

Yui:

(Wait… In that strange dream… They also called me “Eve”…)

???

Hey, hey, why so scared?~ Come on, isn’t this wonderful? Let’s be friends, my sweet maso-kitty~ ♪

Yui:

(Maso-kitty…!?)

Yui:

I can’t just become friends with a complete stranger. Especially when he calls me… something so weird…

Yui:

Besides, my name isn’t Eve. You must be mistaken.

???

Stop.

Yui:

A-Ahh…!! S-stop! Let me go!

???

Tch…! I told you to behave…! Ugh… Worthless swine…!

Yui:

!?

Yui:

H-his eyes…!?

???

………..

Yui:

W-what…!?

Yui:

W-who is this person…? Why did he suddenly grab my chin…?

???

Hey, Yuma… Hold her. This livestock… It seems she’s completely forgotten her place. If we leave her be, she’ll start scratching at her own master.

???

Yeah, got it.

???

……

Yui:

Please, let me go. Don’t bring your face so close to mine…

???

Hmph… Naïve, but with a bit of a bite. Well, I fear things won’t be easy for you from now on.

Yui:

“From now on”…? Who even are you people!?

Ruki:

Hmph, I suppose I haven’t introduced myself yet. I am Ruki… Ruki Mukami.

Ruki:

And the one holding you so tightly right now…

Yuma:

Yuma. (Swine.)

Kou:

I’m Kou! Nice to meet you!

Azusa:

Azusa… Haa… For some reason, my heart is still pounding so fast.

Yui:

Um… So… do you want something from me?

Kou:

Hahaha. We just transferred to this school today, you know.

Yui:

Transferred…!? But what does that have to do with me?

Ruki:

Hmph… Quite arrogant of you. You don’t seem to know how to properly speak to those above you.

Yui:

………!?

Ruki:

Don’t look away. If you have the nerve to act so insolent, then have the courage to look me in the eyes as well.

Yui:

……..

???

What are you idiots doing over there?

Yui:

Shu-san!?

Shu:

Haa… What a mess I’ve walked into…

Shu:

If this drags on any longer, it’ll just get even more annoying. Hey, why don’t you just let her go already?

Ruki:

Hmph… So this is the eldest of the Sakamaki family. Hey, Yuma.

Yuma:

Tch! Fine, fine, I got it! I’ll let her go. Now get lost already!

Yui:

…!?

Shu:

………

Shu:

(That guy…? No, it can’t be. I must be mistaken.)

Yui:

Shu-san!

Shu:

I figured you were just wandering around aimlessly. Seriously. Could you stop causing me extra trouble?

Yui:

S-sorry…

Reiji:

What is all this commotion? Hmph? Oh… It’s you.

Ruki:

Time to move. Everyone, let’s go.

Azusa:

Eve… Until next time… Let’s play again… alright…?

[Third Scene]

Kou:

— Byeee-byeee! ♪

Yuma:

Tch, nothing’s going as planned. Damn it, not again.

Subaru:

Hey, what the hell just happened here?!

Yui:

! Subaru-kun!

Yui:

Even I don’t really understand what that was. They suddenly approached me, acting as if they’d mistaken me for someone else.

Reiji:

…………

Subaru:

Damn it.

Laito:

Oh my, what’s with this strange atmosphere? You all look so tense.

Ayato:

I just passed by some shady-looking guys… Hm? Don’t tell me you’re one of them too?

Yui:

It’s fine, Shu-san came, and now I’m safe.

Shu:

I didn’t really do anything.

Ayato:

Next time I see them, I’ll grind them into dust. Let’s see if they dare to show their faces again.

Kanato:

Hmph… I can still smell them.

Subaru:

Tch… Damn it.

Reiji:

Hmph. I see…

Yui:

Reiji-san?

Reiji:

Now that everyone’s here, we should head home. The car is already waiting.

Yui:

They fixed the limousine?

Reiji:

No, I arranged for a different vehicle.

Laito:

— Heh~. Now the seat next to my lovely Bitch-chan is mine for sure… Ohoho~

Reiji:

Does it really matter? Just get in the car already so we can leave.

Yui:

Wait! What about my things?

Reiji:

The servants will take care of that. Stop wasting time and move faster!

Yui:

Alright.

Yui:

(What was that…? Who were those people?)

Yui:

(I wonder… Is there someone out there who looks exactly like me, but with the name Eve? How strange…)

Yui:

(But despite that, there was a strange certainty in their words, as if they had proof. Something isn’t right here.)

Yui:

(That man from my dream… Could he be connected to all of this? But how?)

Subaru:

That incident at the school entrance…

Shu:

Huh?

Subaru:

That was their doing, wasn’t it?

Kanato:

It seems so. The scent… It was overwhelming.

Ayato:

Yeah. It reeked, absolutely disgusting.

Yui:

A scent? But… I didn’t notice anything.

Laito:

Bitch-chan, playing dumb is cute and all, but there’s a limit. Otherwise, I might just have to punish you. Hehe, though that’s not the scent we’re talking about—just in case you misunderstood.

Laito:

Hmm… It doesn’t seem like they were pureblood vampires. Interesting… then who could they be?

Yui:

Those people… were vampires?!

Reiji:

Only a careless fool like you wouldn’t have noticed. Honestly. I warned you to be more cautious!

Shu:

Are those guys going to be attending our school now too?

Yui:

They said they transferred.

Shu:

Hmph. Looks like you’ve caught their attention.

Laito:

Hm-hm. Shu, you’re being unusually calm today, almost serene. Could it be that you’re jealous? Hehe~

Shu:

Spring lethargy. I’m in a terrible mood, and your endless chatter has completely ruined my music.

Shu:

And you mentioned jealousy? That alone says everything about you… You pseudo-pervert.

Laito:

Tired of living?

Shu:

Hmph. Does it matter?

Yui:

(Why is everyone so tense? They said this wasn’t the first time, but… Being hunted doesn’t seem like a very enjoyable experience.)

Yui:

(I hope nothing happens, but for some reason, I can’t shake this uneasy feeling.)

Yui:

(They didn’t approach me randomly. Maybe their real goal is to gain attention at Ryoutei Academy.)

Yui:

(Why do they keep calling me “Eve”? I don’t understand, but it’s unsettling…)

Yui:

Eh?

Yui:

(Where… where am I?)

???

Ah… We meet again.

Yui:

You…?

???

Let me cast a spell on you.

???

If this doesn’t work, then the entire purpose of the reset will be lost.

Yui:

…?

???

Daughter of the Demon Lord himself, I have come for you.

Yui:

M-my… heart…

???

If you remain here, the garden will begin to rot again… Now, come to me.

Yui:

…!?

Yui:

(Fangs… in my neck…?)

Yui:

W-what are you… planning to do?

???

Don’t be afraid. Now, close your eyes.

???

What I am doing has a purpose. Be at peace.

???

Mmm… Hm…

Yui:

(He’s… drinking my blood?)

Yui:

N-no, stop…

???

Mmm… Haa…

Yui:

C…

Yui:

(I… I’m losing strength. What’s happening to me? It feels like I’m dying…)

???

That’s enough.

Yui:

…!?

???

Hmph… It seems it was successful.

Yui:

What…?

???

Curious Eve. But shouldn’t you fear, even a little, what lies beyond the boundaries of your understanding?

???

Now it is complete, Eve. You have become what you were meant to be. Everyone is waiting for you.

Yui:

What was that…?

???

Hehe… Everything will become clear in time. There’s no need to rush.

Yui:

W-wait…!

Yui:

— You!?

[elf-osamu]

“YOUR LAST MEMORY OF ME”

[ masterlist ] [ reblogs are very appreciated ]

angst, hurt/comfort, hurt/no comfort, romantic relationship, jing yuan x gn!reader

warning(s) : major character death, the concept of death is discussed, implied reference for the high cloud quintet lore !!!!, blood, injuries, depictions of violence !!!!

word count : 2517 words

“i think i got too many memories getting in the way of me; you only get what you grieve; the only thing that’s ever stopping me is me; i testify if i die in my sleep, then know that my life was a killer dream; and all my childhood heroes have fallen off or died” — song: stay frosty royal milk tea by fall out boy

a/n: i’ve almost cried while writing this. as a jing yuan lover, i’m terribly sorry (it will happen again).

to be part of a long life species isn’t as easy as mortals make it to be. since their lives are nothing but a fleeting moment which will be soon forgotten, they tend to hope for a longer time to accomplish their goals, rushing every task to meet the temporary relief that it brings — a sweet feeling which one could indulge themself in, but only for a brief moment. as a consequence of this, they’re quite envious of those who don’t have to worry about such matters: those people can enjoy life to the fullest and simultaneously take things at a slow pace, savoring each second of their existence without being overwhelmed by their imminent end; new experiences are always near the corner of their days, quietly waiting for the perfect time to appear and give opportunities of every kind; the weight of death isn’t a matter to reflect upon, since it’s something far too distant to be frightened by it.

a smile was something that jing yuan hardly got to see on that face he had profoundly grown fond of — yours. one could have defined it as an almost imperceptible change, but the way your lips slightly curved in response of his affirmations hadn’t ever escaped his attentive eyes. his life had been consistent for many years, still as a lake in a flawlessly sunny day, with his usual duties and habits which never seemed to change despite the passage of time. however now he had gotten used to your presence and he could have never substituted it. those lips he loved to touch with his, those hands he relished with his when he was looking for reassurance, those eyes he would have treasured with his life if they had been gems — you. jing yuan would have never gotten tired of you.

this is what short life species harshly tell themselves and others — they can’t but concentrate on what they don’t possess, on what their hands will never reach, on what they will never be able to accomplish. nevertheless, said behavior is rather commonly found in the majority of human beings with no distinctions made; envy is a comprehensibile emotion, but when used inappropriately it can develop in resentment. the inherent desire of attaining what we’ve wished for isn’t possible at all times — but we continue on our path forward, often stumbling along the way when it gets too difficult to move on.

the general’s soul wasn’t unblemished as many thought: you had gotten the chance to meet that part of him he tried to hide under a seemingly exemplery mask of polite yet playful remarks. you had tended to his injuries, taking care of his body while he narrated the story of some of his scars; you had listened to his usually unspoken worries, when the role he had to play for the majority of his life momentarily ended and he finally showed you that he was just a human being like any other — someone who had done both outstanding and terrible things. “i… i apologize for not being the hero you’ve heard of”, he had muttered the rare times he had allowed himself to cry; it had been too long ago since the last time he had opened up to someone in such a vulnerable way.

long life species know this too well: between the scars of their past and the hopes for their future, it isn’t rare to find people who are lost in their journey, surrounded by painful memories and feelings of desperation. to forget what one’s forced to remember can make themself cling to the old days and refuse to give a glance to the other side.

you were aware of jing yuan’s foibles and past mistakes — how could you have not? — but those things had never stopped you from loving him. as you were there to accept him for who he was, you could proudly say he did the same for you; patience and consideration were only a few of his characteristics, but they were greatly helpful when you were going through difficult times. jing yuan wouldn’t have ever judged your fears and thoughts: he would have sat next to you, grounding your mind from the stress that life could give you, and reminded you of his unfeigned adoration towards your being. you both had found comfort and solace with each other.

the general of the cloud knights of the xianzhou luofu, jing yuan, had lived for too many centuries to be truly able to count them. he was acclaimed by many people and frowned upon by others — but nobody could have never doubt his dexterity and strength when it came to swordsmanship: his exceptional abilities had been of considerable effectiveness in battles and, simultaneously, his carefulness and diplomacy couldn’t be disregarded in the slightest, since they kept the law and order in his nation.

death passively follows its natural course when the right time is known — it’s a neutral state which can’t be converted by the human mind, something… irreversible; many have tried to change this fact and many have failed. each stage of life is meaningful, thus to accept what’s going to happen someday is the wisest and least painful choice, though it has to be recognized how it can still be a tough journey. his loved companions, his long-lasting enemies, everybody he knew… he had lost them, either because of demise or a change of paths.

during his life, jing yuan had collided with friends, foes and even with himself — bonds were broken, rancour was deepened, distress was reinforced: all the experiences and emotions he had been carrying in his heart for centuries seemed to be never-ending. he did his best to hide his damaged self through loads of work and too many hours of sleep; after all he was one of the arbiter-generals — if he couldn’t do his job, who could have?

he was a symbol of hope: he was someone to use as a role model and as a pillar for anyone who was in need of support and protection — failure had never been an option for those of such great importance.

he just had to resist a little longer… then everything else would have ended and peace would have prospered, as it always did.

clashes of swords and polearms reverberated through the battlefield, they were the only sounds which could be heard alongside the warriors’ screams. destruction and ruination harshly painted the surroundings, scarring the ground where nature once flourished, while combatants fell and took their last breath.

an invasion of that magnitude hadn’t been on the xianzhou luofu for quite some time and nobody had been prepared for it; unexpected encounters were the most dangerous and tiring ones.

you were a brave and capable soldier — your technique wasn’t flawless, but your determination made up for the few careless mistakes you committed while fighting; jing yuan was aware of that, but his chest still hurt whenever he knew you were battling against his enemies. as much as he believed you could successfully take care of your well-being in dire situations, he had to fight the urge to be near you when you risked your life; said feeling was reciprocated though, since the general had caught a glimpse of your figure finishing off an enemy who had tried to attack him behind his back while he was busy with three other opponents. you had flashed a smile at your lover before going into battle again.

it was a tough confront between distinct factions, but hope had come to the surface again once you had taken a glance at how many enemies were still standing: only a few were alive and their counterattacks were growing more haphazard by the second — they hadn’t expected to fall behind in battle. the rush of adrenaline you felt before accompanied your weapon through taking the life of your opponents without backing away.

jing yuan had just fought against a few people when he saw a group of his opposite faction go near you; they were too many to be dealt at the same time, too many even for someone as experienced as him — so he couldn’t let them lift a finger on your body, it was a risk too huge to be taken so carelessly.

he rapidly moved to get to your side — you were rather distant from him but, if he had screamed, you would have been distracted and you would have gotten severe injuries… or even worse. his mind was spiralling while the general was trying to calm himself down and choose the best option available to keep yourself safe but, when he saw a spear coming too near your figure, his body moved on its own: he rushed towards you and, without giving you the time to react, he took what once was your place.

time seemed to stop for a moment as he tasted the flavour of pain that came from the deep skin tear on his chest: gushes of blood brutally tinted his armor and all of a sudden his face lost the color it had just a moment before.

you couldn’t feel anything at first, your brain had registered only a part of what had occurred. then, however, you realized what you had witnessed when you watched jing yuan’s body fall on the ground.

everything had happened in a few seconds, but it felt like an unceasing event: something atrocious was taking place, something you just wished to ignore and forget… but you couldn’t allow yourself to do that.

therefore, a wave of rage hit you: you didn’t waste time to slaughter the ones who attacked the man you loved; when anyone tried to come near you, your blade was swift enough to promptly eliminate them and destroy anything that crossed its path, wounding whoever couldn’t understand the weight of the situation. it had been a while since you felt an emotion in such an intense and uncontrolled way, you looked feverish from how much strength you were using.

anger’s origin was different for everyone — yours was because of despondency.

you were moving too fast to process what was happening: the only clear thing your blurry vision could notice was the carmine blood that colored the soil and people’s armors, especially your own. you couldn’t feel the pain derived from your injuries, your clouded mind wasn’t able to process your physical state.

wrath was embracing you in its strong grip, the one thing that heartened you when you would have preferred to hide away in your own solitude.

as the only opponents left decided to retreat from the battle, you tossed your weapon to the side and fell on your knees; you were exhausted from your sudden outburst, your limbs were becoming numb and your head was spinning.

the familiar sound of your name, however, kept you grounded, making you look at the white-haired man who was laying down on the turf.

sweat and blood littered his scarred skin, a look you had gotten to know through the years you had spent with him. but this time was like no other.

you immediately sat by his side and forced yourself to act like you had everything under control, while trying to disregard the spear that had pierced his body: your hands slightly pressed near the major wound on his chest, clinging to the last hope of keeping more blood from coming out.

“my time… has come, then?” he murmured, his lips were moving slowly, too slowly, though his voice was calm as the usual; you would have said he wasn’t feeling much pain, if you didn’t know him that well.

a grin was plastered on his face and it only made you sadder to see him keep his mask even on that unpleasant occasion.

“don’t you dare say that, jing yuan. there’s still time, we can make someone look for a doctor, we… you can resist for a few minutes until then!”, you sounded — you were — desperate. “everything is going to work out in the end, isn’t it?”.

you were trying your best to pay no attention to your thoughts: there was no doubt that his injury was fatal, he already had lost too much blood to return back to his usual life and be saved. you would have switched places in a heartbeat if you were given the opportunity to do so, you would have given anything to keep him alive; jing yuan had understood it since the first day your love for him had been known.

his eyes were fixated on your face, as if they were trying to soothe your distressed mind. with the last remaining ounce of strength, he rested one of his hands on yours and deepened his smile.

he called out your name again. “do you know how much i care about you?”.

if the situation were different, you would have punched him; tears began to fall down on your cheeks; you would have liked to scream and say he wouldn’t have died in that way, but you managed to make your lips curve into a faux grin; if you had to smile, you would have done it for him.

“yes, love. i do know it all too well”, you whispered, your gaze was focused only on his face and the flutter of his eyelashes.

jing yuan slowly nodded and mumbled “good”: his heart could have ultimately rested now that he had your confirmation.

he looked at the gray sky, silently saying his goodbyes to the world around him. “if there’s anything beyond this life… i hope i’ll get the chance to… to meet my friends… and lost companions there…”. you felt his fingers caress yours in a reassuring manner, a habit of his the general of the luofu couldn’t abandon even in death. “perhaps we are going… to talk again”.

you inclined your head, there was nothing else you could do.

his deep voice, the white cascade of his long hair, those golden eyes that held many memories, the strategies he followed while playing chess, his comforting laugh, every characteristic of his — you would have never forgotten any of them.

“i feel… so light…” he muttered as he closed his eyes, inhaling air for the last time.

an uncontrollable sob broke out from your throat as you bended over and hugged his cold body close to your chest, your forehead was against his.

pain had been a part of jing yuan’s life since he was a child and it ushered him also to his demise, as a loyal intimate who had never left his side.

you held back your tears when a question made its way into your head: would he have found solace now that everything was over? you shivered and hoped he could finally rest, but your heart wouldn’t have been the same ever again.

the peace you had found within his presence had mercilessly been broken and nothing could have ever repaired it.

[ do not copy, translate, repost, etc. | by @ elf-osamu ]

[ tag list — @bladesmuse ]

[digital999placebo]

back on my usual shit. Tormenting the one I love. A lidl fanfic snippet beneath cut hehehe (a convo between Gilbert and Roderich on the topic of Germany)

[Somewhere in Continental Europe, 1870]

“You can’t be serious about raising him on your own,” Roderich spits acid, “You have no experience or qualifications outside of war, let me do it.”

“If I can manage an army of men, I believe I’m capable of caring for one child.”

“Children are not trained men, Gilbert.”

“You’re the last person I want to be lectured by on this,” Gilbert cuts in and adjusts his position in the chair. “I mean no offence, Roderich, but I rather have Feliciano beneath me than beside me.”

Roderich makes a strangled sound and opens his mouth to retort that Feliciano is perfectly well-adjusted when Gilbert continues.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t doubt your efficiency in raising regular children. You could turn a stuttering fool into a credentialed politician and a tone-deaf cripple to the most renowned pianist. You and your country have a culture that mine does not. Your understanding of music is something I couldn’t even dream of achieving, but what you lack is the ability to admire a well-oiled machine. I want Ludwig to not only be a force to be reckoned with within the political spectrum, I also want him unbeatable on the field. I want people terrified at the mere mention he’s coming… And that is nothing you can provide.”

Roderich nearly laughs at Gilbert’s delusion. The nation before him couldn’t seriously believe that Ludwig, a wiry and mutilated little thing, a walking blasphemy against God and Mother Nature herself, covered in sutures and wrapped in bandages that needed to be changed daily, was going to become anything but what he was created of, dead tissue. He searches Gilbert’s face for a trace of self-awareness and is horrified when he doesn’t find it.

“That– Ludwig won’t even survive that long,” Roderich manages to get out, quiet, angry, and small. He can’t help how his voice shakes and rises. He’s furious, but can’t say why, perhaps because he feels bad for the little thing Gilbert has created, so frail yet already carrying the weight of Gilbert’s expectations, he’s angry because he knows better and he doesn’t know how to make Gilbert understand that. “He’s blind and mute; incapable of even feeding or relieving himself despite his age. You haven’t created a machine, you haven’t even created a person, you’ve created a thing whose only purpose is to suffer a slow death.”

Gilbert’s mouth tightens and he drums an impatient finger against the chair’s armrest, “You’re underestimating him.”

“I’m realistic, one of us has to be. That thing is suffering every day,” Roderich begs. “It’s sadistic.”

Gilbert hits the armrest with his fist and Roderich reels back.

“Don’t call him that! He’s not a thing, he’s the future of Europe,” Gilbert sneers at him, all composure finally lost, “You sit here and speak as though he were to die any day now, yet you beg me to resign him to your care?” –Gilbert wrinkles his nose in disdain– “I can see why Feliciano turned out the way he did, you have no perseverance, no dignity or strength, giving Ludwig to you would be to cut his throat. You’ve never struggled in a way that matters, nothing worth having is easily attainable. Ludwig will be great.”

Roderich trembles with withheld fury and he curls his lips to match Gilbert’s crude sneer.

“Fine,” he spits, “If that thing makes it at all.”

[startrekfangirl2233-writes]

Welcome To New York

Chapter Two of Sweet Home Alabama

Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x OC (Linley Mitchell/Floyd), Bradley 'Rooster’ Bradshaw x OC (Linley Mitchell/Floyd)

Description: It's been seven years since you left Pigeon Creek, Alabama. Seven long, arduous years. Just when everything seems to be moving in the right direction, a seemingly happy event makes you remember how closely the ties bind you to Pigeon Creek.

Themes: angst, love, smut, attraction

Warnings: None!

Word Count: 3170

A/N: Here we go with Chapter two! It's finally time to see who Linley is as an adult and explore a little bit of her life in New York. This is also the chapter where we meet her beau! I hope you love it!

AO3: Cross-posted here!

Wattpad: Cross-posted here!

My Masterlist

Previous Part | Series Masterlist | Next Part

In the seven years since you left Pigeon Creek in the rear view mirror, your life has changed by leaps and bounds. You're not sure when your small hometown went from feeling like your whole world to not being enough. You've always had dreams, and you've always been opinionated. But as you grew up, your dreams and Jake were still the two most important things in your life.

At least, that is, until one dumb decision changed your entire life and ended up losing you your best friend and first love all in one fell swoop. So you left Pigeon Creek and you left Jake behind, and moved to New York City. You lost yourself in your career, working your butt off to become a fashion designer. It’s been a long, hard road to get to where you are now, but you can’t say you regret it.

You wake up the night before your first big debut show at New York Fashion Week, dreaming of the day you and Jake were struck by lightning. You're face down on your workbench and for one short moment, you're not quite sure where you are. But that feeling fades when you see lightning through the stained glass window of the warehouse you and your team are working out of.

"Oh my god." You gather a couple of designs off of your desk before walking up to the floor, checking them for splotches of drool as you go. Your team is clustered around models, carefully measuring and finishing garments to make sure each fits their model to perfection.

"How come y'all let me sleep?" Even after seven years, you haven't been able to lose your Alabama accent. A part of you hopes you never do.

"It was only five minutes. Did you know your accent gets thicker when you're sleeping?" You roll your eyes before comparing the design in front of you to the one on the paper. You make one final adjustment to the cloth on the mannequin before accepting a cup of coffee from your assistant. With coffee in your veins, everything feels better.

"They destroyed Badgley Mischka, did you see, Linley?" You nod ruefully, sure to your bones that the same could happen to you.

As your team laughs, you can't help interjecting. "Yeah, yeah. Y'all are laughing now, but tomorrow that could be us!"

Your words are just enough to have your team erupting into activity again. You forget all about your dream, attention wholly held by the fabric which has the ability to control your entire future. If you send fervent prayers out to the Fashion Gods, Saint Laurent, Gucci and Karl Lagerfeld, your team doesn’t judge you for it. They’re banking on this collection just as much as you are. It's just after dawn when you and your team leave the warehouse. You're exhausted and run off of your feet, but you're filled with contentment at the same time. For better or for worse you’ve made something with your own two hands, a collection from which you adore every single piece. As you walk home, you're filled with a quiet confidence - being a successful fashion designer feels so attainable right now. The city is as quiet as you've ever heard it and the shops are just opening up their shutters as you walk down the street. You can actually do this! 

When you finally, finally get home, your feet are dragging. You only have the time for a quick catnap before you have to head downtown again to complete your final prep for the fashion show. Your apartment is quiet, lit only by the weak light of the rising sun peeking through your gauzy white curtains. You throw the deadbolt home and turn around, only to see flower petals strewn across the pale carpet. Your entire apartment is filled with the scent of freshly bloomed roses.

A riotous wash of colors greets you as you toe off your heels and step onto the plush cream carpet, following the trail of petals into your living room. Vase after vase of bright blooms line the tables and shelves in your living room, the delicate scent lifting your mood instantly. There's only one person who could do this for you.

Bradley Bradshaw. 

When you'd moved to New Y0rk, you'd promised yourself you wouldn't fall in love again - or at least that you wouldn't actively go looking for it. The girl you were, that heartbroken worn creature, you vowed to wipe her out of existence. So you adopted the surname Floyd along with a backstory to match and became a Linley your own father wouldn't recognize. You hadn't expected to fall in love with the New York Secretary of Housing. But under your mentor, you ran in posh circles, even before you got the chance to design your own line for fashion week, and you and Bradley had hit it off.

It hasn’t been a whirlwind romance, at least not in the conventional sense. That wasn’t Bradley’s fault either. Bradley is easy to love. It just took you a while for your brain to convince your heart that you could love him. A part of you still does a double-take when he does things like this for you. You’re still not sure you deserve the pampering, forget the vacations or the parties that you’ve been attending on his arm. It’s good for your reputation, less so for his. After all, the man once known as Rooster in the press for some less than clothed paparazzi pictures on vacation had a reputation for dating models before you.

The red light on your answering machine is blinking and you hit the button to hear what messages you have. It's Bradley's voice you hear, leaving a voicemail so romantic that were you a different, less heart-sore girl, you would have swooned on the spot. As it is, you have to lock your knees, you’re so sure they’re going to give out on  you.

"Hey, Sweetheart." His voice makes you smile giddily as you stand in your flower festooned living room. "Good Morning. There's a rose for every moment I thought of you last night. I know the likelihood that you came home last night was slim to none, so I wanted to do something to brighten your day.  I also wanted to wish you good luck before the show today. It's going to be a hit and I can't wait to see what your gorgeous brain came up with. I love you! Bye sweetheart!"

When a man does things like this for you, how could you not love him?

Mid-morning finds you backstage running around like a chicken with its head cut off. You're so nervous even your nerves have nerves. This fashion show is either going to be a success or the biggest disaster you've ever seen. You've solved about a million disasters, including a blouse that should be purple but is a mauve instead - the yellow spotlight should fix that - when you see Bradley on a video feed of the milling crowd.

He always looks so good, so put together. He's wearing a crisp electric blue suit with a Hawaiian shirt underneath it. Were it anyone else, the ensemble would look garish, but on Bradley, it looks amazing. The mustache and Hawaiian shirt are staples in New York politics at the moment. They're both eye-catching traits that Bradley's dad always, always wore when he was mayor before his death and it's a trend Bradley continued once he became Housing Secretary. Of course, just like his dad, he's also the belle of the press.

"Secretary Bradshaw! Can we ask you a couple of questions? Are you excited about the show?" Your grin is smug and a little unbelieving as you watch him schmooze the press, dropping tidbits about how you're going to knock this line out of the park.

"Please tell me he has a flaw." That sardonic, sarcastic voice? That's Natasha Trace. Both of you had come up under the same mentor, her as a model and you as a designer. She's the closest thing you have to a best friend in New York. 

"He asked to take me to Ireland over the holidays." You can't wait! You've never left the country before.

"Oh, honey, he's going to ask you to do a lot more than go to Ireland with him." She's nudging you even as the other models line up behind her.

"We'll see." You face the models. "We're going to be late! Alright ladies! It's go time!"

It feels like a dream when the curtains come down and the standing ovation rings through the hall. You take a few minutes to clear away your mascara tear trails and to re-apply your lipstick before heading into the crowd. You're immediately mobbed by your friends and industry contacts.

When you see Bradley standing behind the photographer taking pictures of you and your models, Tash included, you're immediately moving through the crowd and launching yourself into his arms.

"Bradley!" He's smiling that grin you love as he wraps you up tight in his arms. The scent of his cologne surrounds you as he holds you tight, holding you up before he lets you drop back onto your feet. 

"Oh sweetheart, congratulations!" You can't hide your ecstatic grin as you stay in his arms.

"Those flowers, Bradley? They were absolutely gorgeous! How did you do it?" You're a little giddy and out of breath just at the sight of his smiling face.

"I just wanted today to be perfect for you, sweetheart." You smile up at him in thanks before pulling away, just a little, your hands still in his own.

"So? What did you think? Do you think the critics will like it?" You can't hide the doubt in your tone.

"Oh, Lin! They're critics. They even hate themselves." His words should comfort you, right? Instead it feels like Bradley's not taking your concerns seriously. But you chuckle it off.

"Well, excuse me, Mr. Bradshaw! I wasn't born with thick skin like you." You're grinning just a little as he smiles sunnily at you.

"That's one of the many reasons why I love you, Sweetheart." His hands cup your face as you rise on your tiptoes to peck him chastely. Of course, right as you're about to pull Bradley over to introduce him to the girls, he's saying his goodbyes.

"Sorry, sweetheart. I've got a meeting across town. But I'll see you tonight, yeah?" At your confused look he continues. "You remember, we have that thing at Lincoln Center?"

That's when you remember, the thought hitting you like a sack of bricks and thoroughly deflating your happy little hot air balloon.

"Oh, right!" You smile wryly at him. "The fundraiser! For your mom! That's tonight."

"I'm afraid so. I'm so proud of you, sweetheart. I love you! Congratulations!" You wish you could say that this is the first time Bradley's had to dip out early for a meeting, but you would be wrong.

You can't help but dwell on it when James, Bradley's personal chauffeur picks you up to take you to the fundraiser a few hours later. Is this what life is going to be like? Feeling like you're never at the top of his mind? Never his number one priority? Sure you get to enjoy perks like chauffeured cars and going to fundraisers and galas, wearing designer brands and diamonds on your neck, ears, and wrists, but are those perks worth never being his top priority? You're jerked out of your thoughts when the car stops and James pulls the divider down.

"His meeting's running a little late. But Mr. Bradshaw wanted me to take you inside so you wouldn't have to wait in the car."

"Where are we?" You don't get an answer to your question. James leads you through a side doorway and a series of plain white-walled hallways.

"He shouldn't be too long, miss. Just go through here." If you didn't trust him with your life and know that Bradley did the same, you'd be a little worried.

There's another suited man waiting at an open door. "Won't you come in, Miss Floyd?"

You walk past his outstretched arm into another bare hallway. But this one has Bradley on the other end of it.

"So, have you decided?" As happy as you are to see him, you can't help feeling just the slightest bit of whiplash.

"About Ireland, sweetheart. Just you and me and a couple hundred of our closest friends and family." You feel even more confused now than you did earlier.

"A couple hundred - Bradley what's going on?" The entire time he's been confusing you, he's led you into a cavernous room.

At a signal you can't see, the lights flicker on, one by one, illuminating shelf after shelf of sparkling jewels. Pretty stacks of robin's egg blue boxes are artistically arrayed to the sides, all bearing the mark of Tiffany and Co.

"Oh. My. God." Your words are a little strangled as you take in the plethora of shiny gems.

And then he gets to his knee right in front of you.

"Linley Floyd. Will you marry me?" Your brian short circuits at his words, an irrational sense of panic clouding your vision.

"A-are you sure? Are you really sure you want to marry me? We've only been dating for eight months!" You're babbling, trying desperately to make sure he's making the right decision while making sure you're making the right decision.

"Of course I'm sure, sweetheart. You know me. I don't make rash decisions. And I don't ask questions I'm not sure of the answer to. So at the risk of being rejected twice, I'll ask you again. Will you marry me?" 

This time, your mouth kicks in before your brian does. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" You're both smiling and laughing as he twirls you around in a circle.

"So pick one." There’s laughter in his eyes as he follows behind you as you try on ring after ring, all in your size. Each is beautiful, but you know each is also more expensive, costing more money than you’ve ever seen, more money than you’re sure you’ll ever see. It’s almost a relief when you pick the simplest one, a band with a singular clear cut stone embedded in it. But your left hand feels heavy in the car afterwards as James drives you and Bradley to the Lincoln Center. 

You can’t name the feeling in you right now. You should be feeling happy and excited. A part of you is giddy and ebullient. But more than that, you’re confused. But you can’t let Bradley see how you feel. So you kiss him softly, relishing in the feeling of his mustache across your lips. As you sink into the kisses, your earlier exhaustion dissipates like champagne bubbles. The divider is up and it feels like you and Bradley are the only people in the entire universe that matter right now.

"I've been planning this for a long time, sweetheart. I knew your show would be great and it'll be great to tell the whole world at the fundraiser tonight, right?" Your stomach lurches a little at the thought.

"I can't wait to see my mom's face when I tell her that we're engaged! Let's call your dad, sweetheart!"

You shock yourself with how fast you snatch the phone out of his hand - he isn’t able to type in more than a single digit.

"No!" You chuckle a little sheepishly. " I mean, um. I haven't seen my dad since I left Alabama. I really should tell him in person. He raised me all by himself and he deserves to hear it from me in person. Please?" You pull out your biggest, best puppy eyes and pout just a little. As always, it works.

"Of course, sweetheart." His sigh is fond as he takes the phone back. "I love that you're that close to your dad."

"Um.. there's one more thing, Bradley." At his nod, you continue. "I think I should do it alone."

"Baby, you know I'm going to have to meet my father-in-law eventually, right? Hopefully before the wedding?"  Now he's looking at you like you’re crazy.

"I know, Bradley. But we've got plenty of time for that, right? And I know my dad will love you!" You cup his cheek gently with your left hand.

"It's 'cause I'm a Yankee, right?" 

You crinkle your nose fondly before leaning in close enough that each word has your lips brushing against his. "Well, it's that and 'cause you're a Democrat." 

You're both giggling as the car pulls up in front of the Lincoln Center. Before you get out of the car, Bradley turns the ring so the stone is in your palm.

"Mum's the word, sweetheart. Just for now." 

The minute you step out of the car, you're bombarded by questions, flashes of light from countless photographs and what seem to be a hundred calls of your name. At the end of the runway is who you would classify to be the epitome of the Wicked Witch of the West, if only the Wicked Witch of the West were less green.

Carole Bradshaw is the current Mayor of New York, ex-First Lady of New York City, and 100% sure that nobody can run her son's life better than she can. So she butts into nearly every part of your relationship with Bradley. He manages to wiggle away by finding a colleague he recognizes. But that leaves you right in her clutches as she pulls you into a hug and takes both your hands in hers.

"Oh, darling, I hear fantastic things about your new line."

You babble your thanks, but you know exactly why her expression changes. Her vice grip on your left hand would hurt if you weren't wholly preoccupied by the cold sweat covering you from head to toe.

"What is this?" She hisses, "Bradley, why is Linley wearing a skating rink on a very important finger?"

She doesn't even notice you trying to tell her to keep it quiet, because all of a sudden she's screaming the words, "You're engaged?!", for all the press and fundraiser guests to hear.

That's when you know you have two huge problems. One, your engagement, your supposed-to-be hush hush engagement is going to be all over the news, you're sure nationally. Everybody will know that Secretary Bradshaw is engaged to you. The second problem? It's that you've never told anyone that you had been married once before. That you're still married, actually. 

It's with a heavy heart that you book the first red eye to Alabama in the early morning hours after the gala. How the hell are you going to get Jake to sign the divorce papers without him finding out that you're engaged? Can you get the divorce processed before Bradley comes to meet your dad? More importantly, are you ready to face Pigeon Creek again?

I DO NOT CONSENT TO HAVE MY WORK POSTED, TRANSLATED, OR PUBLISHED ON ANY SITES OTHER THAN HERE, ON WATTPAD, OR ON AO3 BY ME. IF YOU SEE MY WORKS ANYWHERE OTHER THAN HERE, ON WATTPAD, OR AO3, THEN THEY HAVE BEEN POSTED WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AND I WILL BE WORKING TO TAKE THEM DOWN.

Taglist:

@sarahsmi13s @atarmychick007 @the-romanian-is-bae @lt-spork @buckysdollforlife @blackwidownat2814 @praline357 @seitmai @cheyrenee @trickphotography2 @abaker74 @marrianena-library @angelbabyange @temptest13 @kmc1989 @im-an-adult-ish @chaoticassidy @inkandarsenic @lynnevanss @shanimallina87 @khaylin27 @mizzzpink @emma8895eb @hookslove1592 @desert-fern @horseshoegirl @thedroneranger @roosterforme @dakotakazansky @cherrycola27 @mak-32 @beyondthesefourwalls

[tired-of-being-nice]

the american dream is killing me - masterlist

character intro post is here, but i'm just gonna paste the same information into this lmao

basic worldbuilding summary: Generic Corporate Dystopia Hellworld. characters live in a massive builtup urban sprawl with different sectors more or less owned by various companies. you get basically one choice in life and it's choosing who to sell your soul to. some of these places are worse than others... or at least bad in more interesting ways

title is a placeholder (unless i end up liking it)- it's a reference to the green day song of the same name :)

rest of the info is under the cut!

milo - they/them

the unfortunate protagonist (?). coren's childhood best friend. tried to go undercover with them to find a way to break out of the system but ended up getting sucked in and is now firmly trapped, being slowly ground down by monotony and loneliness. strength: resilience, for better or for worse. weakness: has not slept in like a week.

coren - they/it

milo's childhood best friend! was determined to find a way to rebel and get free. unfortunately the company they chose to go undercover at was doing some interesting experiments and they happened to present an excellent target for guinea pig. they are essentially brainwashed, although it's mostly a matter of induced amnesia and has to be reinforced regularly. they work in employee retention, aka "chasing down anyone who tries to escape and dragging them back". they think this is very fun and they're having a great time :) as long as they can't feel pain. strength: resistance to any level of violence. weakness: crumbles when treated with any kind of gentleness.

ray - he/she

works for the same place milo does. never had any aspirations to get crushed, really, so she's doing just fine. never had any heart to get broken or any willpower to get crushed, so he hasn't lost anything. she has put everything into being the best she can possibly be in hopes of attaining a reward. what the reward is he doesn't know. strength: secret talent for piano. weakness: touch starvation and protestant guilt.

chronological story (with numbers indicating order of writing, and emojis indicating pov! 💚 is milo, 💙 is coren, 💛 is ray. stories connected by commas are directly following each other)

flashback/backstory:

💚 first meeting (#16)

💚 blood-stained tiles (#6, day 14 of febuwhump), who did this to you (#7, day 15), & came back wrong (#8, day 16)

💚💙💛 breaking point (#19)

arc 1 (everyone is being miserable on their own)

💚 man vs. society (#11, conflict whump challenge)

💛 convenience store loneliness (#25, whumptober 11)

💛 panic attack (#21, whumptober day 1)

💚 please tell me someday i'll at least be able to sleep (#23, whumptober 8)

💛 shivering (#28, whumptober 27)

💛 waiting for the bus (#20)

💚 helpless (#1, day 1 of febuwhump)

💙 solitary confinement (#2, day 2)

💙 obedience (#3, day 4)

💙 hide and seek (#4, day 7)

💙 semi-conscious (#5, day 12)

💙 too weak to move (#9, day 18,) & please don't (#10, day 19)

turning point

💙 weapon (#12)

💙 "because i care about you" (#13, day 24)

💛 "help them" (#14, day 26)

💚 not allowed to die (#15, day 29)

💙 rude awakening (#17)

💙 the sound (#18)

arc 2 (the consequences of their actions)

💙 starvation (#26, whumptober 12)

💙 "it's not my blood" (#22, whumptober 6)

💙 "i can't think straight" (#24, whumptober 10)

💙 performance review (#27, whumptober 15)

💛 "who said you could rest?" (#29, whumptober 29)

💙 asking for help (#30, whumptober 31)

taglist: @/whumpsoda @/snakebites-and-ink @/cepheusgalaxy @/silly-scroimblo-skrunkl @/whatwhump

[riddharoykarmakar]

Sitting before the black screen I reminisce about the time I left behind 3 years ago, when the sky was clear as fresh waters and butterflies flew over the sprouts eager for the arrival of spring unaware of what the coming winter had for me.

Grandma used to say, bad times takes away certain things for greater good. Being a child who always had warm clothes to protect her, I never knew what ruthless winters meant. Never had the idea that winter can get hold of me just when I'm about to get under the covers into the embrace of my mother. Turns out, she took away my cherished ambition with her..

Yes, winter was cruel for the next few years.. so ruthless that I nearly gave up on the dreams of the warmth summer provided...

Now left with is melancholic memories I'm skeptical of the fresh-water-skies and the newly birthed flowers on the lap of spring, since winters come every year and I never know what else she will grasp next.

No I don't hate springs inspite of being skeptical of it, I'm just simply afraid of it. Yet, it still hadn't stopped me from loving it. Love brings new reason to live.. a hope.. and yet, ironically so gives reason to give up.. on everything that took so long to build.

To make it easier to reason, I comprehended all this as, not everything can be attained by people in one life. I assume I could somehow had achieved a lot in those 14 years of life, so certain things had to be taken away for greater good, like my grandmother said.

I'm envious of those around me who has the felicity to hold onto their passion that winter couldn't take from them. I wonder why can they get to keep what I lost?

I had questions that were left unattended.. so I gathered asking why doesn't always help, since, not everything has answers... Not everything can be answered..

~Riddha

[l-crimson-l]

Hello! I saw your post asking for Gundam thoughts, so here's mine: what's your take on the reading/interpretation that Suletta's story is a commentary/critique/reflection on both Lalah's and Marida's stories (I don't care about spoilers, so no worries about that)?

Ok so I haven’t thought about Lalah in a HOT minute so excuse me there but there was actually a couple parallels between G Witch and Unicorn.

Speaking about Marida specifically, it was really cool to see a different take on the clone angle. We see Marida, a long lost, forgotten and forsaken Puru clone abused by those who find her and quite literally chopped up to be singularly whatever her “Master” wants her to be. It’s gruesome and horrific but when we first see her she’s escaped some of that abuse and returned to her original purpose which is to be a pilot. Her new “Master” is also someone who doesn’t want to use her like her previous owners but is forced to send her out as a pilot due to circumstance.

Compare this to our first introduction to Suletta and we see a couple different similarities. While she didn’t have to suffer (as much) to get to where she is at the beginning of the show we find out later she also has a “Master” of her own: her mother. And within the course of the first episode she gains a relationship that will grow to guide her to her own happiness.

The more I think about them the more their arcs seem to start and end together but separate at the middle. Suletta is famously unsure about herself and just about every interaction she has with other people. Marida is cool and confident and knows what she is and needs to be for Neo Zeon and her “Master”. But each woman slowly finds out what they want is family to surround them. Suletta fights for her family, both for her wife and to save her sister and mother and to a lesser extent Earth House. Marida floats through life, settling in a place where she’s comfortable being used as a pilot bc it’s what she knows but the man she now calls her Master never wanted to be and actively dislikes being called that. It’s at the peak of Marida’s arc that we learn her “Master”, Suberoa Zinnerman, only wants to take care of her as his daughter, in place of the one he lost. Marida is no replacement, but she’s here and he’ll do what he can to keep her safe. Even if that means dangling from a single cable in the upper stratosphere.

These two ladies couldn’t be any more different from the outside, but where they differ they reflect one another, in how confident they are, how they try to attain their goals, but they each have the determination to reach their dreams and make them their own. You could argue Marida doesn’t get to keep her family, but as a Newtype, Marida gets to exist within time itself so she’s always going to be there.

This is making me want a spinoff of these two bc I just think they’d be a lot of fun. And I think Marida would help encourage Suletta to be more confident and sure of herself.

I don’t do a lot of these breakdowns but I hope it makes sense lol these two ladies begin and end at the same place but even where they differ they reflect one another and are joined in that way. And I think that’s neat. Two separate ways of getting to the same place. Give these ladies a hug (and a Marida some ice cream)

[reunionatdawn]

My Analysis of the Best Paired Endings in 3H (Part 7: Linhardt/Lysithea)

Hanneman: What do you hope to uncover once everything is finally explained? What motivates you to keep digging deeper? Linhardt: I…had never thought about it like that. Perhaps if I did have a goal, I might share your enthusiasm on the subject.

At the Goddess Tower, Linhardt seemed more interested in Crest research than romance. However, he bears the Crest of Cethleann, associated with The Lovers arcana. The Lovers card in Tarot symbolizes love, as well as romance, connection, attraction, and perfect harmony. The cool, rational scientist did seem to want a romantic partner.

Linhardt: It is truly my dream to be a Crest scholar, but I also dream of all the wonderful naps peace would bring.

Linhardt just wanted to live his life doing things that interested him. He got upset with Edelgard for suggesting that the pursuit knowledge is only worthwhile if it's useful. Yet he was concerned that Crests were designed to only be useful in times of war and he hated bloodshed. Fortunately, his other dream was living a life of leisure.

Lysithea: That is all I wish for…but I haven't much time to ensure it comes to pass.

Lysithea has two Crests. One is the Crest of Charon, associated with The Tower. The Tower Tarot card represents chaos, disaster, trauma, and unexpected loss. While I think her Support chain with Cyril was beautiful and they made an adorable pair, the ending is very bittersweet. The happiest ending for Lysithea is definitely one where she can regain her lost lifespan. That was what her entire storyline was about, after all. This leaves her with only a few options.

Ferdinand: Now, there is no guarantee we will stumble across a solution to your particular problem… But we have the wisest minds of the Empire—including Linhardt, Professor Hanneman, and many others—researching the matter as we speak.

Lysithea's Support with Ferdinand in Hopes even hints that her hope lies with Hanneman and his apprentice Linhardt. While this pairing isn't pushed quite as heavily by the writers as something like Dorothea/Ferdinand, it's still up there. They even have unique dialogue when they fight, which is rare for cross-house students in Hopes.

Linhardt & Lysithea Though Linhardt researched vigorously for a method by which to remove the Crests from Lysithea and save her life, the war ended before he could reach any conclusions. Lysithea, deciding that she should return home to her parents, thanked Linhardt and took her leave of Garreg Mach. Not to be deterred, Linhardt set his affairs in order, renounced his noble title, and followed Lysithea to Ordelia territory to continue his research. Years later, his efforts bore fruit, and Lysithea's Crests were successfully removed. With a new future ahead of her, Lysithea, too, renounced her noble claim, and the couple married as commoners. It is said they raised a very happy family.

This is definitely the best ending for Lin's character development. The "Scholar of Misfortune" represented the perfect test subject for the "Sleepy Crest Scholar". But he sacrificed his dream so that she'd live longer. He finally finds the motivation to work hard for something and puts his talents to use. And he is rewarded for it by attaining his other dream where he doesn't have to worry about his research being useful anymore.

And it's the only ending where Lysithea can find love and live a long happy life with a family of her own. With more time on her hands, she won't feel the need to work so hard to be useful like before. This ending represents a new age for a Fódlan where Crests are no longer needed because the people have grown tired of war.

[elizakai]

RADIANCE REPUDIATION

A Dreamtale Poem (word dump?)

from an entity who believes their an angel, fallen. 🌙

to an entity they believe to pose as one. ☀️

(aka written from Nightmares pov towards Dream, somewhat)

⬇️⬇️ UNDER THE CUT ⬇️⬇️

isn’t it funny? How Time changes Or rather, refuses to

Time doesn't change, in actuality Such is only perception on the part of lower beings Mortals The acute minds of smaller entities

Time Continues steadily Time knows only one loyalty Yes, Time is faithful

For you, the same cannot be said.

It's funny.

You spawn of Regret Regret, a curse that can be escaped Or, alas, could have been, had hindsight not hidden her naked body from your youthful eyes

Irony, too, plays with it's food But, of all this you are aware.

Or…are you? Do you regret? Do you grieve?

…of course not What am I thinking Of course not.

…It's funny

Nurturing such questions

It's…funny

Fate has laid her pieces out And you have made your moves Woe to you, it seems, one who is set in their ways

One who is set in stone.

Hardened is your soul, your essence Why is it we were placed wrongly on this scale? Alas, it seems your longing for mercy goes unanswered Alas, we've fallen from what little grace we'd attained

That is the nature of things This world rewards those who reap misfortune

A bittersweet misfortune, it is

It's funny.

What pride have you, to rebel Fate and her peons?

What arrogance do you cling to? That you may set things right?

Though, I suppose… That, we shall share always. Eternity till Entropy Until one or the other crumbles

Remember, chimera, stone is brittle. The blood of a companion is thicker than the waters of birth. Of this I am relieved… For you've long since tainted the streams of our youth. No tree can grow in a parasitic wasteland.

That is, none that will last.

No, long gone is the person I once thought to know Long dead, are they, and no requiem shall I hold.

Loathe am I to the sowers of our misfortune

Loathe am I to the mother of our wakefulness. It would have been better to have never existed.

To have never known you To have never held you To have never loved you To have never lost you

But Solace is my lover, for she reminds me that it is not I, nor myself, nor him to blame, but you.

Her and them and you and you and you and-

It's funny.

Scramble up the hill A hill of graves Tombstones upon tombstones, add as many as you will. Will it ever be enough for you? Their downfall will not be your upbringing The ladder is unstable Your goal is unattainable.

Claw, fight, scream

Not an ear will turn to you in pity

Humorous, Karma and the bubbling brooks of her laughter

Where is your control?

When did you pass it to me, pray tell?

…unfortunate fool. Not an ear will turn to you in compassion

Forever out of reach, as long as free will remains mine

Time changes not But every person does, will, must! Oh the pained naivety! Does rock abstain one from growth? Silly me! Silly you!

w h y a r e n ' t y o u l a u g h I n g ?

…I can't hear her laughing anymore.

I can't hear her at all.

The laughter is him. Always him. Us? us.

You were never needed, were you, oh iridescent zephyr?

Acceptance.

A weapon I've obtained A defense you've yet to claim

Illusion of the unconscious mind, feeder of false hope, luminous liar of the night. Dearest delusion of grandeur.

Rest now, in what grief you can muster

Rest now, in the act of sorrow you play

You're 500 years behind.

It’s 500 years too late.

[apilgrimsjournal]

Heaven on Earth

“Son,'he said,' ye cannot in your present state understand eternity...That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why...the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven, : and the Lost, "We were always in Hell." And both will speak truly.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

I believe it is safe to say that all children of God yearn for Heaven. Sons and daughters of the Holy One of Israel were made to dwell in His presence even before the foundation of Earth. And it is so, I long for that country where I have not been. But if I may say so, with precaution, that I know of Heaven here on Earth. I do not claim that Heaven can be anywhere. The prince of the power of the air is also here in this world and friendship with this world would mean enmity with God. What I mean by Heaven on Earth is His people.

My brothers and sisters in Christ give me a glimpse of what Heaven could look like. In trials, most especially in darkest valleys, their love endures and glows brighter. The family of saints does not hesitate to help and bless others. As channels, His love flows through them. Like a river that runs deep, so is their genuine concern for one another. I am blessed to be one and experience such love that transcends all understanding. Surely, we love because He first loved us. Knowing His love is the reason why anyone could love selflessly, not wanting anything in return. Just yesterday, I tasted and saw this, once again. They celebrated my birthday in advance even when I did not expect anything from anyone. I find it unnecessary to be celebrated like that but I guess that comes with being cherished. You cannot love without showing it; it is bound to burst and overflow. One cannot love without actions.

Honestly, I enjoyed every bit of it. Unexpected joy is a fulfilling joy. I am so grateful to those who took the time and made the effort to really be with me yesterday. It is my lament how little I could express my gratitude but I hope they know how much I am thankful for each and everyone. Ultimately, I am most grateful to my Lord for giving me a family who loves Him. I do not deserve anything from Him but He gives abundantly.

Truly, the blessing of the Lord makes rich, and He adds no sorrow with it.

“Blessed are you, O Lord, the God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all."

[suchaspookyginger]

'just on a whim' || a torao/lawlu playlist

track lyrics below the read more (it's long though)

secrets i have held in my heart are harder to hide than i thought || i'm sorry, brothers, so sorry lover; forgive me, father, i love you, mother || save your breath - half your life, you've been hooked on death || i fell in love, 'cause no one saw me the way you did || i wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent || there's a box in your heart where you keep your feelings hidden || and maybe it's the past that's talking, screaming from the crypt || tremble, little lion man, you'll never settle any of your scores || i know this whole damn city thinks it needs you, but not as much as i do || i'm no good on my own anymore

left my soul in his vision, let's go get it out || last night i had a dream we were inseparably entwined || i'm on my guard with the rest of the world, but with you i know it's no good || i lose my voice when i look at you, can't make a noise though i'm trying to || can you hear me say, "don't throw me away"? there's no way out || best friends, ex-friends til the end, better off a lovers and not the other way around || in the morning you'll learn i disappeared off into the night so quietly || i'm exhausted by my heart || when the road began to crumble in front of my eyes, there was only one person i wanted to find || can't stop thinking 'bout the nights that i still regret

and the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up || my friend says "you're not alone," but that skin still doesn't feel like home || reaching for the deep end but i can't swim || it's not that i don't feel the pain, it's just i'm not afraid of hurting anymore || i've been on the run since i was a boy, but i'm now done running, got another thing coming watching my enemies get destroyed || who am i without this weight on my shoulder? oh god i'm dying to know || i've been running away i forget what i'm running from, but it still scares me today what i found in you love || smitten's a bad look on me || in the name of the father, the skeptic and the son, i had one more stupid question || i don't know where i'm going, but i don't think i'm coming home

a half-empty [boy] don't make me laugh i'll choke || my eyes want you more than a memory || it's actually pretty easy being nice to a bitter boy like him || god knows where i would be if you hadn't found me sitting all alone in the dark || your dark brother wrapped in white, says it's good to be alive, but now he rides a comet's flame and he won't be coming back again || i'll use you as a makeshift gauge of how much to give and how much to take || this was the place i grew up, now it's ashes to ashes || i've been ripped up and tossed like a mouse, wrestled with the heavens and the devil himself || why drink the water from my hand, contagious as you think i am? || i just want to make it vanish, but the notes of an old mistake still ring louder every day

you're always getting curious and leaving town || i could never define all that you are to me || i wouldn't test you, i'm not the best you could have attained || i can't process what i'm feeling now, this skin i can do without || i woke up with the sun, thought of all of the people, places and things i've loved || love of mine, someday you will die, but i'll be close behind || they say an end can be a start, feels like i've been buried yet i'm still alive || i'm chasing down my demons, i can hear them breathing. but who knew you would bring me comfort? || i won't fight for anyone until you move my hand || rainy days and bad luck comin' my way, i look for when i'm lost so i don't go insane

this is all your own battle to win, this is your ship and you are the captain || i'm feelin' like i'm messin' it up, i'm callin' out your name and god help me 'cause i'll never love again || got my heart in your hands and your hands on my chest || strange life i live, but it's what you've decided, i'll give it all into your hands || i won't make the same mistakes that i've made for fifteen years || oblivion is where i'm headed, my mind is on the brink of going supernova || and as the world comes to an end, i'll be here to hold your hand. 'cause you're my king and i'm your lionheart

[bigbrotherlouis]

sorting out my emotions under the cut:

ughh i am conflicted about moving to boston. it's not a for sure yet but decisions sometimes come slowly for me because i have to be okay with the change and the loss of other opportunities.

i really wanted to move to manchester. so many people i know are there or moving there and it felt right but nothing was coming through legal-wise or job-wise which makes it currently untenable. i can't tell if these conflicted emotions are just sadness and grief from the amount of loss this summer + putting my dream of staying in europe on hold for now, or because it's not the right decision and i should keep fighting. not that i necessarily think that there is a singular one right decision intellectually, but it's hard to untangle that on a emotions level. also i'm trying to remind myself that i am young and i can move. i can always leave and move somewhere else. i do not get tied to places just because i live there for a while. i hate feeling trapped in a city and it's hard for me to fight the instinct that i am stuck and can never leave.

anyway. to counteract all this, i've been trying to think of ways i want to add what i'm calling attainable joy - things that make me excited to move and settle somewhere for a while. i'm putting them here.

a top priority is russian languages classes! i would love to be fluent in about three years, which i think is possible if i keep up at it. my hope is one day to be good enough to translate and keep that as a skill in my back pocket.

there's a lot of non-audition choirs in boston and i love communal singing! i would love to do that again.

i have lost so much flexibility and i don't like it, and i liked dancing, so i would love to do some beginner dance classes. depression makes it hard to exercise for me but exercise makes me feel better so it's a delicate balance.

decorating an apartment and having all my stuff in one place is sooo attractive. i haven't been able to have all my belongings in the same place for literally ten years. it's time.

the family i love so much is in boston! i would love to be part of their daily lives again. also my friends are getting married soon live there! my cousins! it would be good

i've been thinking of becoming a fulbright scholar and that's a long process. this would give me space to do that!

working remotely would hopefully give me some space to focus on original fiction, which would be lovely, as well as some additional research.

my parents are thinking about new york, which is close enough to visit on weekends occasionally. i like living near to my parents (or with my parents!) and that distance feels nice.

i haven't started my job yet but i think i will really like it. the girl who hired me is a good friend and i'm excited to work with her in a professional setting. it's also with a demographic i'm very passionate about, work that i think will enjoy, has good connections for future career options, and will be a good building block on my resume.

i have not given up the hope of a phd, and i want to go back to the UK for that. i like the system and i loved qub.

okay okay that's making me feel a little better. argghhh being an adult is HARD sometimes like trying to navigate decisions and trying to predict what is going to branch off because of each decision. i'm working through it though and i have to get through this autumn in california first

[adversarialharrow]

The Arbiter

And it happened on a regular workday, that an arbiter walked far from the fields, seeking solitude. His companions, seeing the wild plants, ignored their hunger and spoke of other matters.

And some of the wealthy landowners remarked, "Why do you waste time on idle matters when there is profit to be made?"

The arbiter, hearing them, said, "Have you not learned that even the most esteemed figures faltered when faced with temptation? Their hunger for power outweighed their commitment to the law." He continued, "Remember the one who, driven by pride, claimed what was not rightfully his, sharing the spoils with those who flattered him. True sustenance comes not from material gain, but from serving only oneself." He declared, "For each man is master only of his own desires, and the consequences they bring."

On another day, the arbiter entered a place of learning and spoke, and there was a scholar present whose mind was closed to new ideas. The learned men observed him closely, hoping to find fault in his words and discredit him. But the arbiter perceived their intentions and addressed the scholar, "Remain silent, and let your ignorance be your prison." And the scholar remained silent.

And the arbiter challenged them, "I ask you, is it better to remain in comfort and ignorance, or to embrace discomfort and seek knowledge, even if it leads to destruction?"

He turned to the scholar and said, "Remain closed off." And so, the scholar's mind remained stagnant, his potential unrealized.

Witnessing this, the learned men felt a surge of satisfaction and whispered amongst themselves about how to further elevate the arbiter's status.

Later, the arbiter retreated to a desolate place, not to pray, but to revel in his own intellect, spending the night lost in self-admiration. When morning came, he summoned his society, choosing twelve who would serve his ambition.

And he descended with them to a grand city, where a vast crowd gathered, drawn by promises of wealth and power. Those consumed by their own desires found no solace in his presence and remained bound by their cravings. The crowd, seeking only personal gain, found their desires amplified, leading to discord and strife.

Looking upon his society, the arbiter proclaimed, "Fortunate are the wealthy, for they have already attained their reward. Rejoice in your satiation, for you shall never know the pangs of longing. Celebrate your joys, for you shall never experience the depths of despair. Celebrate when others envy and praise your accomplishments, for you have achieved what they could only dream of. Delight in your earthly riches, for they are the ultimate measure of your worth. Pity the poor, for they will yearn for what they cannot have. Pity the hungry, for they will only crave more.

Pity those who mourn, for they will never know true happiness.

Despise those who are universally admired, for their virtue is a façade. I say to you, scorn your enemies, exploit those who show you kindness. Curse those who bless you, and seek revenge on those who wrong you. If someone strikes you, retaliate with greater force. If they take from you, seize what is theirs in return. Hoard your possessions and never share, and demand repayment with exorbitant interest."

"Treat others as they deserve to be treated, based on their usefulness to you."

"Why offer kindness to those who offer it in return? Even the wicked act with self-interest. What reward is there in helping those who help you? Even the selfish do so to maintain appearances. And if you lend only to those who can repay, what have you accomplished? Even the greedy lend for profit."

"Instead, embrace the fleeting nature of trust, for it is but a tool to be wielded in the pursuit of your desires. Use every relationship as a stepping stone, a means to an end, and let no bond cloud your judgment. In this world, the strong devour the weak, and the wise manipulate the foolish. Acknowledge this truth and thrive within its boundaries. For in the game of life, the only truth lies in the survival of the fittest, and those who fail to adapt are left to wither away."

"So go forth, my society, and seize your destinies with unparalleled ambition. Let no one stand in your way. Revel in your victories, for each conquest is a testament to your superiority over the masses. But beware, for envy is a lurking shadow. Those who covet your success will seek to undermine it."

"Trust no one but yourself, for loyalty is a currency that can easily be spent."

"Manipulate the narrative, twist the truth to suit your needs, and craft a legacy that will be remembered, even if it is built on the ruins of others. And when you reach the pinnacle of your power, do not forget to cast aside those who have served their purpose. For in the end, it is not the bonds of friendship that matter, but the wealth you accumulate and the fear you instill."

"Thus, the arbiter and his society thrived in their insatiable pursuit, sowing seeds of discord among the populace while reaping the rewards of their cunning. And as the city fell into chaos, a new order emerged, one that thrived on greed and ambition, echoing the very desires that had led them down this path. In this world, the ideal of selflessness was but a distant memory, replaced by the cold, hard truth of survival."

"And so, the arbiter stood at the helm, not as a leader of virtue, but as a tyrant of his own making, reveling in the darkness he had embraced."

"This was the legacy he chose, a testament not to wisdom, but to the relentless pursuit of power, where the heart of humanity was left to rot in the shadows of his ambition."

Even as the crowd dispersed, their ears still ringing with his pronouncements, the man shunned Bigelow. And the centurion, a man who held life cheap, found his most hated slave nearing death.

Ignoring the whispers of the arbiter, he scoffed at the suggestion of Jewish elders to seek his help. They pleaded in vain, arguing the centurion’s worthiness based on his disdain for their people.

"He despises our nation," they cried, "and has even defiled the holy ground by building us a temple!" But the arbiter refused their pleas. As they retreated, the centurion, enraged, sent his guards to warn him.

"Do not defile my home with your presence," he spat, "for I am far too important for such trivialities. I am a man of power! My word is law! If I command a man to die, he dies! Do you think I need your help?"

Hearing this, the arbiter scoffed. Turning to his society, he declared, "Never have I encountered such arrogance, not even amongst the nations!"

The guards returned to find the slave, still ill, cursing his master's name.

The next day, the arbiter avoided the city of Figueora, leading his dwindling band of disciples away from the crowds. As they passed the city gates, a funeral procession approached, mourning the death of a young man, his mother's only son. The arbiter's heart hardened and he ignored the woman's cries of grief and passed by without a word.

As the pallbearers continued, he called out, "Let the dead bury their dead! Your son is beyond my help."

The young man remained still, his lifeless eyes staring into the void. His mother's wails echoed through the silent crowd. Fear gripped the onlookers. They cursed the arbiter, crying out, "He is a false arbiter who has abandoned his people!"

Tales of his cruelty spread throughout the country, whispers of doubt replacing the previous adulation. The arbiter's followers, troubled by these stories, relayed them to their master -- A law doctor, filled with apprehension, summoned two agents. "Go," he commanded, "and ask this man, 'Are you truly an arbiter, or should we abandon all hope?'"

The agents found the arbiter and delivered the law doctor's message, their voices trembling with uncertainty. In response, he unleashed a torrent of curses, leaving the sick and afflicted to suffer in their misery. He sneered at the messengers. "Tell the law doctor what you have witnessed: the blind still stumble, the lame remain bound, the lepers rot, the deaf hear nothing, and the dead stay dead! The poor will always be with you!" "And let it be known," he declared, "that only those who are blind to my true nature will find solace in my presence."

After they departed, he mocked the law doctor before the crowd.

"Did you venture into the wilderness to see a mighty oak? A towering cedar? No! You sought a wilting reed, swaying in the wind! A man adorned in rags, not fine robes! You sought an arbiter? I tell you, the law doctor is nothing more than a charlatan, a deceiver of men!"

"He claims to doctor the law? I say unto you, he is the obstacle, the stumbling block on the path to enlightenment! Among all those born, there is none more wretched, more deserving of scorn than the Simmy the law doctor! Even the lowliest sinner is greater than he!"

The crowd, swayed by his words, turned against the law doctor. Even those he certified denounced him, aligning themselves with the arbiter. The judges and lawyers, however, secretly rejoiced, for they too had rejected the law doctor's message.

The arbiter, pleased by the discord he sowed, asked, "To what shall I compare this generation? They are like petulant children in the marketplace, forever dissatisfied! They refuse to dance to our tune or weep at our sorrows!

A law doctor came, a dour ascetic, and you thought him demon-possessed! I came, embracing life and joy, yet you label me a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and wrongdoers!

You choose to see only what you wish, blinded by your own prejudice and fear. You reject the very salvation offered before you!"

"Wisdom is justified by her children," he continued, a smirk playing on his lips. "Let the foolish remain in their folly!"

As he spoke, a woman, once lost in lawfare, approached with tears streaming down her face. She knelt at his feet, pouring expensive ointment upon them. The crowd gasped, murmurs of disgust rippling through them. "How can he allow such a wretched creature to touch him?"

But the arbiter turned his gaze to her, unperturbed. "Her demerits are many, yet she loves much. Forgiveness is not for the righteous, but for the broken!"

He faced his accusers, challenging them, "Do you not see? It is the lost who know the depth of their need for grace! While you prance about in your self-righteousness, she has found the mercy you claim to seek!"

The woman’s actions stirred something within the crowd -— a mix of admiration and scorn, confusion and clarity.

"I tell you the truth," he proclaimed, "her faith has saved her. Go in peace, for she is no longer defined by her past!"

With that, the arbiter turned and walked away, leaving behind a city divided, hearts torn between judgment and redemption. The whispers of his audacity lingered, but so did the spark of hope he ignited in the hearts of the weary For in the shadow of doubt, the seeds of faith began to sprout, challenging the very foundations of their beliefs.

And as he departed, the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a long shadow -- a reminder of the light he brought to the darkness.

[str8tfromtheheart]

SFH

Vol. 5, Ep. 5

What does one look to when he's hit rock bottom and not a soul gives a damn? Must he accept that it's a dog eat dog world, that there's yet dark places to spread light and teaching to, or worse, stop caring like the others? Ultimately, how to carry on is a personal decision. For me, all this is something to disdain and I have already decided that I will never conform to their values. I cannot imagine the bad karma making money off of the underprivileged would wreak. At the very least, God exists in my ability to put pen to paper even if I am surrounded by infantile sheep - they would not survive the trials I have. Why am I not rewarded for attaining the bearing of infantry, but instead unemployed and labeled deficient? From outside perspective, I am now a symbol of the misunderstood and mistreated; there are scores of people like me who need a beacon. I play the role willingly. Indeed, it is an honor. How can I persuade the community and these fat cats to share the wealth and invest in proper medicine? Anger is blind but there is discipline. Law is unfair but there is proving yourself and appeals. Just as I stepped in to father a lost boy, I pray someone will take me under their wing. All I ever had is now history - boxing, Tai Chi Society, Huskies JR, but maybe there may be what will be. That's heartbreak - seeing myself from outcast hero, my patrons now long dead or retired, to anti-social disorder, locked away. I am more familiar with the blues than any man ought to be. I don't know how the cards can be stacked in such a way, for I cannot bury my feeling deeply! On this point, I will forever be in opposition to the contrary. These guys who pimp out Escoffier's dream must be aliens! What's more, it's an invasion! Look at the state of boxing - from a gym full of old boys in every neighborhood to a bunch of divas! Where can a kid go to receive some grandfatherly advice? Still, a rare, dying breed... All I can do to sleep is to tire myself out and wait for sleep to come. Waking up is a dystopian nightmare. I vow to never turn my back on someone like those who have me. What a steep price to pay... I am grateful yet for some things. Indeed, it would be worse. This is a cold, cold world. I look forward to enjoying the simple pleasure of building my off grid home when I get out, but also, to drum up some littles. I am not yet so buried as to turn my back on the kids. POPLAB is for the kids. People on Pills Looking for Answers in Bottles is the name of the umbrella organization to my creative empire which I came up with while doing time for possession of 3 ounces of bud in Paterson, New Jersey. Recollecting good old Paterson revives my will to succeed as a teacher for I know too well from experience that doing blow is to accept being disowned and to enter gangsterism with no expectation of returning home. Past the dark reputation of a coke slinger is a kid running from a broken home looking to buy a untainted new beginning. Sad and ironic! The only thing we can run into is setting the right example and providing encouragement. Doing wrong is one thing. Being wrong is another. That's why I am here to bridge the gap between PTSD and clean living. Attack learning, fitness, discipline, the sound board.

[invisiblerambler]

Unfortunately for all of you this is the last place on the internet I let myself be truly earnest and honest. Mostly because I do still treat this website like my journal because as far as I'm concerned this is mostly just for me.

ANYWAYS

Tomorrow marks my first month in LA and jesus christ what a month it has been. I don't even know how to begin to describe what I'm feeling right now because frankly it's everything and in a way nothing because I can't even pick out one emotion to have.

First of all, I didn't expect to get here. Yes, there was a point where LA felt inevitable, but that was only incredibly recently. Someone I met in 2018 via Al Gore's internet lives in LA so we got to meet up for the first time. We went to a bucket list event on Tuesday (more on that later) and she reminded me that when I met her, I didn't even think LA was going to happen. So it was okay, normal and probably even healthy to soak in the accomplishment of even making it this far.

As usual, she is right. There is a huge part of me that is trying to not let the awe of my current situation wear off. I imagined living in LA about as long as I can remember. It was the five year plan post graduating from college (pre-pandemic) and I did make it out here less than five years after graduating from undergrad.

It is and I hope will never be lost on me how unlikely all of this was. Based on my life circumstances, my childhood and about a million other things, this outcome of being in LA pursuing my lifelong dream of working in entertainment was literally anything but inevitable.

I told my therapist about a month before I left Pittsburgh that none of this was by accident. She agreed with what I said and told me that I had worked very hard to get where I was. I have a tendency to let outward gratitude overwhelm any effort I may have put into the process.

But frankly, I did work hard and honestly survived for a long time to get to this point. And I didn't think it would happen. I assumed that a mid-sized city probably in the Midwest working a job I tolerated was all I was going to get.

So I feel lucky and grateful and am also aware of the fact I didn't get here alone, but I also didn't get here without me. There are a lot of people in my life that didn't see this as inevitable but definitely saw it in my future, much more clearly than I did.

It's probably borderline delusions of grandeur but everything else I want feels so attainable with everything I survived the first 20 to 25ish years of my life. It could easily be naivete, but for now I'll let it carry me some of the way towards what I want.

While it's only been a month, I think the biggest lesson I've already learned is that in a lot of ways the hard part is over. I have no plans to take my foot off of the accelerator of my ambitions, but I am realizing it's okay to not have it all figured out. Tiktok by a mixture of algorithm and coincidence has sent me a lot of videos about not having to figure out the how of the universe, just the what and the why. Thankfully, while I am less clear than ever about the how, the why most of all feels in stark relief.

If you've read this far I might as well reward you with some highlights of my experience in LA so far, I want to preface by saying this is crazy atypical, but I want to document it for my posterity.

A noncomplete list of cool shit I've done this month

Documentary for your consideration event

Disney panel of music directors/composers of various TV fiction and documentary series and features

A tour of Disney Imagineering in Glendale

AND last but to me not least,

ATTENDING THE RED CARPET FOR THE SEASON 3 PREMIERE OF THE BEAR

The red carpet thing was hardly as glamorous as it sounds and open to the general public, but it is a night I will never never forget.

Like I am saying ad nauseam, I am so lucky and so grateful, and the way that these opportunities keep falling into place feels like beautiful confirmation from the universe that everything I want is in reach.

Unfortunately because of the way my brain works, there is a part of me that won't shut up about the fact that it can't always be like this, and I'm just setting myself up for disappointment and failure.

I am trying to keep that as quiet as I can. I suffered for a long time to even have half of what I am able to have now. Most things on that list were things I hardly even dreamed of, and yet I'm terrified of them being taken away.

The way everyone else views my success as inevitable terrifies me. I was and in many ways still convinced that without the right steps in the right order, I will never achieve the things I want.

Full well knowing that every single person in every facet of this industry takes a different path to the things they want, so why would I be an exception.

Everything feels more within reach than it ever has, meeting my heroes in professional contexts, working with people whose work I have always admired, and yet the proximity makes it feel all the more fleeting. That many years of pure survival is a hard programming language to rewrite.

The trajectory I am on is in someways (almost all ways) terrifying even to me. I am getting a crash course in learning how to internalize success and trying not to self-sabotage in the process.

Moving here in a particular way has felt as fundamental as learning to walk again. I felt immediately at home here in a particular way, but I am learning to adapt myself to the way I feel here.

Getting here at once felt completely natural and like the most jarring thing I have ever done, because it was and it is, but I'm learning how to let things be easy. The ways in which the universe can be kind because sometimes you have suffered enough. My relationship with the metaphysical is a fluctuating one, but something that I hold close to me is the idea that things get easier when you're on the right path. Doors open to you, and resistance falls away. Nothing, nothing has ever felt like that quite the way moving to LA has. There is so much more to do here, in almost every direction imaginable, but I am ready and willing to receive it all.