#as a lesbian i am literally so grateful that this exists and i wasn’t even alive at the time. even now it makes me feel seen.

[cherry-pop-soda]

okay but does anyone listen to bronski beat and does anyone GET IT. they released an album, completely unashamedly gay, in the 80s, during the AIDS crisis, during a time of insanely rampant homophobia and over the top conservatism. they released an album with the age of consent for homosexual activity in every european country listed on the sleeve and the phone number for a legal advice hotline for queer people etched into the grooves of the vinyl. they released an album with the opening track dedicated to a hate crime victim, featuring vocals from an openly gay choir. they released an album with songs about homophobic violence, the dangers of following the bible too closely, about leaving behind everything you know and starting over, about homophobic family and homophobic bullying. they wrote about being gay and being proud of it and knowing that there is nothing wrong with who you are. in the face of all the hatred going on in the 80s they released an album that was in-your-face gay and fuck-you queer, and i love them for it.

(see original tags for a lot more commentary)

[meridaism]

Merida Is A Canon Lesbian

I know I sound like a broken record, but I don’t really care:

Merida is a canon lesbian, whether Disney and Pixar intended it or not.

The playlist Disney made explicitly for Merida’s internal character contains multiple love songs exclusively towards women and female-aligned people, and those are the only love songs on her entire playlist, the ones that refer exclusively to women and female-aligned people. This quite literally makes her a canon lesbian, as it is canon material made by Disney regarding her and her character.

If it weren’t for Disney Records making that playlist that contained those songs for her, it wouldn’t even be important. However, this is the company that owns her that made this playlist for her. They read those lyrics from multiple songs about expressing romantic love and attraction towards women and female-aligned people and they agreed that those lyrics accurately portrayed Merida and her character overall. As a lesbian whom has loved and cherished Merida for over 2 years straight, I have a right to be this happy and ecstatic about it.

With the addition of the May 2022 Disney and Pixar-approved sequel to Brave in the form of a YA novel written by Maggie Stiefvater titled “Bravely” showcasing Merida’s explicit non-attraction to men throughout the entirety of the book, implying Merida’s physical attraction to her best friend named Leezie, Merida finding comfort amongst the company of women, and finally confirming Merida as canonically nblw by giving her a nonbinary shapeshifting love interest and having her state that she does not care for his male appearance and that all she really cares about is whom he is outside of his physical forms: an entity barely made of air, no body, no mouth, no eyes, and no gender.

All of this, by definition, makes Merida a canon lesbian. She is canonically nblw with absolutely no attraction towards men whatsoever whilst pertaining romantic and physical attraction towards women.

Granted, this doesn’t excuse Disney’s history and continuation of blatant homophobia nor their general disregard for their lgbtq+ fanbase and lgbtq+ children who desperately need representation and validation, but it does give lesbian and ace lesbian children, teens, young adults, and adults still coming to terms with their acespec, lesbian sexuality and identities representation and someone to see themselves in. 

I just wish I had Merida whilst I was growing up, but either way she’s here with me now and I’m forever grateful that I am represented by Merida’s existence. Not saying she’s the only ace lesbian rep I have, but she’s the most personal for me. I love her with all my heart, and I am beyond proud and so happy she got the respect she deserves in Bravely, which came out this year and is a very good read. Her sexuality wasn’t erased by the author, and if anything it was all the more solidified by adding a nonbinary love interest to Merida’s already canon lesbianism. I’m proud to say the lesbian community has their princess, that Merida is a character for us.

I know about 90% of the content on my blog is really shouting it to the mountains, but I don’t care. I’m elated! I love Merida so much. Ever since I resonated with and connected with her on screen I had the headcanon of her being a lesbian, but now that I know it’s real and solidified, this is the most freeing feeling in the world!

[petite-ursus]

Like most of us, I spend a lot of time being annoyed at how many period pieces there are for lesbians. I want more comedies set in the present. I do. But. Uh... I’m currently obsessed with the specific interestionality of 50′s era queer culture.

Like, we were right on the cusp of real change and there were all these women who were there, putting their lives (often literally) on the line because they could not NOT be authentically themselves, despite the VERY REAL danger, and in doing so setting into motion the movement which allows me to publicly be myself. Like I am FEELING the gratefulness with my recent media (A League of Their Own; One Last Stop; The Last Night at the Telegraph Club; Snapdragon. I’m going to use ALotO for a lot of my examples because it is the freshest.) The fact that these books and show exist at all is because the women they describe EXISTED and LIVED as themselves!!!! Which is aaAAAH. Inspiring. Strong. I could go on!

But it’s not just the fact that they WERE out there existing that makes me feel so much. It’s the fact that they were out there every day, at risk and history... erased them to this point, not just systemically (see: the women from A League of their Own being carefully groomed and prepped not for baseball but to appear like desirable straight women) but personally (see: Maxine’s mother kicking rejecting her.) It was not safe to be different. Nationalism and racism rampant. It was literally dangerous to have a queer family member, let alone be queer. Even families who were accepting weren’t taking photos of their queer members. (I mean luckily some were, but not in NUMBERS, you get me?) So we didn’t just lose the documentation of our roles in society, in institutions, and historical events. We lost LITTLE moments of queer joy. Little snapshots of two women together at home just spending time with family, leaning on each other.

They worked so hard. They risked so much. And they were vanished. Like, as an active, intentional action. They were disappeared from history. It makes me fucking ache.

And you might say, “Erased? You are listing all this media they are in!” But it’s new media and you and I both know that the it’s media we fought tooth and nail to be allowed.

The proof of our erasure is in how normal it is for older generations to dismiss our existence. We have never been allowed to be seen and remembered. This looks like a sudden appearance. And they vocalize that all the time! “Suddenly everyone is gay!”

And you know what? I do feel some empathy to the average person who just wasn’t looking at the systems and how they hushed us up... this does look sudden. But ultimately, the truth is, it isn’t new.We’ve always been here.

Getting to see those moments on paper and on screen feels like a freaking hug. It does not always (often doesn’t) look like modern queerness, often can’t, it’s a different time. Laws and public standards were different. Our understandings of gender were different. Sometimes the reality is that the endings of these women are bittersweet or even painful. But that’s part of what makes it so fascinating. I feel like we are starved for our origins, and for our evolution as a community. Starved for the littlest details of our history. 

And I say “we” meaning the queer community, but this is something straight people are being starved of too. It is So Hard to conceive of a world you are not being allowed to see. How can we expect them to know us and accept us if we are not allowed to show ourselves?

Academic journals and accounts are great, but frankly they are not for the average person who learns through what media they consume. My girlfriend didn’t know the phrase “friend of Dorothy” because even though that’s a fairly well known one, it’s simply not in straight media. I only know it because I specifically turned to consuming mostly queer media a few years ago.

So like. I’m rethinking my opinions on period pieces... But I guess I want them done like A League of Their Own. I want the ACTUAL stories of my foremothers lost to time unearthed and told. The ones they took from me. I want phrases and styles that were used by queer people in the past to signal to each other. Not these beautiful pieces of Cinema about pining sad lesbians in a time of Bad that has been romanticized within an inch of its life. I want lesbians and what that MEANT for the time in relation to OTHER lesbians. (OR queer people, you get me.) I do not want to once again be shown women operating their lesbian indentities almost entirely with and around men. Like, I get it. That was a facet. There are other facets.

And maybe that is less possible further back than the 50s... But we were THERE, at all levels of socioeconomic statuses and those different levels of status DID have different things allowed, and things were allowed that we really just don’t talk about (See: Gentleman Jack as well as Emily Dickinson and their ACTUAL writings.) There are stories there that need told. That need remembered.

[drivingsideways]

k-drama rec list

Prior to 2020 I’d maybe watched 2 k-dramas in my entire life, but this year I got sucked in, thanks to some great recs, and y’know, *gestures * everything.  

I think I’d held off watching kdramas because my impression of them was limited to romances that I didn’t enjoy at all. But this was the year I discovered the equivalent of “gen fic” kdrama- dramas that had wonderful ensemble casts, strong story lines that weren’t entirely romance focused and also a variety in terms of themes and styles. A big plus was that I found so many of these dramas had women leading the writers’ room, and seeing the effect of that in the story telling. (Notable exceptions: a certain “star” writer who should please stop inflicting her badly written, formulaic crap on the world, yes Kim Eun-Sook, I mean you, and whoever wrote that trashfire Flower of Evil)

So here I am with my own rec list! Caveat- these are mostly not the dramas released in 2020, I’m still playing catch up! :)

Under the cut for length

My Mister/ My Ahjussi  (2018, Written by Park Hae-Young, Directed by Kim Won-Seok, starring Lee Sun-kyun and Lee Ji-eun aka IU) 

This was definitely my absolute favourite of the shows I watched this year across western/ asian media. It’s a story about the thread that binds us all and the ineffability of human connection. It’s also a story that deconstructs ideas of masculinity and honour and shame in a non-western context, but with an extremely compassionate touch.  It’s a story that doesn’t shy away from showing the consequences of material and spiritual poverty; and how one can so easily feed into the other. It’s a love story that isn’t a romance, except that it’s a Romance. It’s about finding salvation in one another and in the kindness of strangers.  It’s about choosing life, and picking yourself up off the floor to take that one last step and then the next and then the next. The one quibble I have with the series is that it could have been better paced, it does get extremely slow after the half way mark. But god, do they land the ending. Both Lee Sun-kyun and IU turn in absolutely heartbreaking performances, and fair warning, be prepared to go through an entire box of tissues watching this series. 

Life  (2018,  written by Lee Soo-yeon  and directed by Hong Jong-chan, starring Lee Dong-wook, Cho Seung-woo, Won Jin-ah, Lee Kyu-hyung, Yoo Jae-myung and Moon So-ri.)

Medical dramas are very much not my thing, and I wouldn’t have taken a chance on it except that @michyeosseo said I should, and she was right! It’s a medical drama in the sense that it’s set in a hospital, but rather than a “case-fic” format, this is actually a sharp commentary on the corporatization of health care, and the business of mixing, well, money and what should be a fundamental human right. Writer Lee Soo-yeon was coming off the global success of Stranger/Secret Forest S1 when this aired, so I understand that expectations were probably sky-high, and people were disappointed when this show didn’t give them the adrenaline rush that they wanted. On the other hand, I thought that this outing was really much more nuanced in terms of the politics and also how the ending doesn’t allow you the luxury of easy-fixes. This show has a great ensemble cast, and while it took me a while to get used to Lee Dong-wook’s woodenness (i ended up calling him mr.cadaver after watching this and was surprised to learn that he’s very popular?), in the end I was quite sold on his version of angry angst-bucket elder-sibling Dr.Ye Jin-woo. His best scenes were with Lee Kyu-hyung who turns in a lovely, achy performance as the paraplegic Dr. Ye Seon-woo who just wants to live a normal life. The love story between the two brothers is actually the emotional backbone of the story, and I think they landed that perfectly. 

My one quibble with writer-nim is that she ended up writing in a forgettable and somewhat (for me at least) uncomfortable romance between the characters played by Won Jin-ah and Cho Seung-Woo. I think part of my uncomfortable-feeling was that I got the strong sense that the writer herself didn’t want to write this romance, it was as if she was being made to shoe-horn it in for Studio Reasons, and she basically grit her teeth and did the worst possible job of it.  I do wish we could have absolutely had the OT3 of my dreams: Moon So-ri/Cho Seung-woo/Yoo Jae-myung like, c’mon TV gods MAKE IT HAPPEN, just...look at them!!!! 

Anyway, that apart, I think this was a very engaging series, and by engaging, I also mean thirst-enabling, see below. 

 Stranger (aka Secret Forest  or Forest of Secrets) S1 & 2 : (2017-, Written by Lee Soo-yeon, directed by 

2017′s smash hit aired a much anticipated second season in 2020, and I managed to catch up just in time to watch that live, so that was thrilling :D . Writer Lee Soo-yeon  mixes up thriller/office comedy/political commentary in an ambitious series. I think S1 is more “exciting” than S2 in terms of the mystery and pacing,  but S2 is far more dense and interesting in terms of political commentary because it takes a long hard look at institutional corruption and in true writer-nim fashion doesn’t prescribe any easy solutions. Anyway, please enjoy public prosecutor Cho Seung-woo and police officer Bae Doona as partners/soulmates kicking ass and taking names in pursuit of Truth, Justice and just a goddamn peaceful meal, along with a stunningly competent ensemble cast. Also yes, Han Yeo Jin is a lesbian, sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

Search: WWW  (2019, Written by Kwon Do-Eun, directed by Jung Ji-hyun & Kwon Young-il, starring  Im Soo-jung, Lee Da-hee, Jeon Hye-jin)

GOD. Where do I start? +1000 for writer Kwon Do-Eun saying “fuck the patriarchy” in the most grandiose way possible, i.e. absolutely refusing to acknowledge that it exists. Yes, this is that power fantasy, and it’s also a fun, slice-of-life  tale about three women navigating their way through work, romance, national politics and everything in between. It’s true that I wasn’t entirely sold on the amount of time spent on the romance, and I really wish they’d actually had a textual wlw romance, though the subtext through the entire series is PRACTICALLY TEXT. But still, it maintains that veneer of plausible deniability and I think queer fans who are sick of that kind of treatment in media have a very valid grouse against the show. On the other hand, personally I felt that the queer-platonic vibe of the show is very wonderful and true to real life, and it was only reinforced by the ending. This is a show written by a woman for women (like me), and it shows. 

Hyena  (2020, Written by Kim Roo-Ri, directed by Jang Tae-yoo & Lee Chang Woo, starring  Kim Hye-soo and Ju Ji-hoon )

Those of you who’ve been watching hit zombie epic Kingdom are probably familiar with Ju Ji-hoon’s brand of sexiness already. I had not watched Kingdom and got hit in the face by Mr.Sexy McSexyPants’ turn as a brash, privileged-by-birth, up and coming lawyer who gets completely runover by the smoking hot and incredibly dangerous fellow lawyer/competitor from the other side of the tracks in the person of Kim Hye-Soo. When I say they set the room on fire, I mean it, ok. Every single scene between these two is an actual bonfire of sexual attraction and emotional hand grenades, and they’re both absolutely riveting to watch. “Flower of Evil” wishes they had what this show has- an actual grown up romance as opposed to a thirteen year old twilight fan’s idea of an adult romance. 

The “lawyer” shenanigans and the “cases” are hit or miss, and I think the occasional comedy fell flat for me. But that’s not why I mainlined like 6 episodes of this series overnight like a coke addict, and that’s not why you’re going to do it either. It’s so RARE, even in these enlightened days to find a female character like Jung Geum-ja: hard as nails, unapologetic about it, and not punished by the narrative for it. The best part for me is that she feels like a woman’s woman, not a man’s idea of what a Strong Female Character should be. Anyways, when I grow up I want to have what Kim Hye-soo has ok?

Other dramas that I watched this year, quickly rated:

The King: Eternal Monarch (3/10 and those 3 points are only for the combined goodness of second leads who deserved better- Jung Eun Chae, Woo Do Hwan and Kim Kyung Nam. Please head over to my AO3 and read my attempts to fix this garbage fire and rescue their characters from canon)

Flower of Evil (-10/100, dont @ me)

Tale of the Nine Tailed (5/10, I think it succeeds at what it set out to do, which is a light hearted, sweet fantasy-romance-melodrama, plus “second lead” Kim Beom will make you cry as the hot mess of a half human/ half fox spirit ALL TEARS character. I think if you’re into kdrama romances as a genre, this is probably a good bet?)

Signal  (7/10,  This was the first full kdrama I watched this year and would definitely recommend. It’s a police procedural with time travel shenanigans and has an engaging plot, good pacing, texture and compelling performances. My one disappointment with it was the way they wrote Kim Hye-soo’s character. As literally the only female character to survive in any way, she was given short shrift, and toward the end it really began to grate on me.)

Six Flying Dragons - (7/10, also would recommend if you’re interested in Korean historicals. It definitely already feels a bit dated in terms of styling and production values, and even scripting and acting choices. But it has a good balance of fantasy and history and political commentary. I was not a fan of Yoo In-Ah’s performance in this series, but it’s not anything that would make you want to nope out of the series. It’s GoT , if GoT was thoughtful about politics and characters and not the misogynist, racist trashfire that it became.)

My Country: The New Age - (3.5/10, and that’s 3 points to Jang Hyuk’s fan and 0.5.points to Woo Do Hwan’s heaving bosom. If you like your historical drama/fantasy with very pretty men, very gay subtext -seriously RIP to show makers who thought they could hetero it but didn’t account for Woo Do Hwan’s Tragic Face- lots of blood and tears and very nonsense plot, this is right up your alley. I probably would have enjoyed it more in other circumstances, I think? But this one just annoyed me too much at the time! 

I have a couple of more dramas to watch on my list, that’ll probably carry me over into 2021, so see ya on the other side! :D

[alphaofdarkness]

not me here for the oc ask ! can't wait to answer the ones you asked me, tomorrow i have my exam and then i shall live again haha ! but now i'll ask you 1, 2, 17, 18, 19, 20 and 31 — i know, it is a lot ( you don't have to do them all 💕) , but i really want to know something more about your wonderful babies and Dany ofc ! I missed her sm during this semi-hiatus 🤧💕💕💕 hope you're doing fine, sending you lots of love 💞💕💘

@carmenio Edgy!! 🥺 so happy to hear from you! ✨ I love these kinds of asks, especially on my many, many OC babies! I hope these answers are good and interesting to thee! I’ll present more info on Dany to some way, some how cause I love her 😭💖

I have gone and included the other questions you asked as well! 🤗 Let’s dive in! 😳

1. Gone and Answered Here ! UwU

2. Do you have a personal favorite among your OCs?

Personal favorite is often shown in the one I draw the most lol, which for a long time was Danielle LWW, but just because she was also my wolfsona at the time. After I made my own personal one I think I went onto Sam for a good while, also eventually going to Dany from Bsd!

So a tie between two beautiful girls, Sam is definitely my favorite LWW Oc, she is just precious and the one I hold the most and most always feel terrible and bad when I put her through it TM. 

Also Dany is my self insert, U//w//U, she has definitely allowed me to slowly self love and allow me to appreciate myself, especially the parts of me I didn’t think to much about or consider so appealing, I think? She has definitely been changing gradually into more of myself since I first came up with her almost 2 years ago! Watch me slowly knock her down to my height of 4′9″, let her have her 3 inches for another year maybe lol.

My dearest Atsushi agrees lol ✨🐯

17. Any OC OTPs? 

👀 lol yesss~ so many and so many crack ships too, which I'll answer next 😂

I’ll just go on and list them off, plenty more of them but~:

DanyJay

SoraYama

LidiaTom

AlikLucy

IsabelleKayla

AlexanderIsabelle

DarkwolfmonJatomon

JatamonRaiwolfmon

EarthamonHounmon

HumaamonWolverimon

And lastly TakaSam is the one I have definitely drawn and thought of the most! They are the top OTP and just best trope of Childhood Friends to Lovers trope, also filling in that trope of Oblivious to both of them but everyone else 🙄. While SoraYama may have been the OG Couple in my story, my love and warmth for TakaSam is unmatched TwT.

It is wild cause I always draw anguish between them as could-have-been-lovers-had-it-not-been-for-death, but recently been drawing them purely happy and content. Total sweethearts, the love everyone wants, excluding possibility of being old friends or not!

18. Any OC crackships?

L o l, I never seem to focus on the main couples because of this specific thing.

I’ll again just go off in list an maybe add a trope or something to get an idea of them:

DanyYama: Rivals, Constantly arguing, and can be petty as heck, but oh the potential and just possibility of opening up after the traumaTM 👀 also the couple that is always in your face about being in a relationship.

DanySora: Sparing partners, the sass and stubbornness, BiPan solidarity 👀

DanyLidia: Pure, wholesome, best friends and so much hugging and lifting from the tol to smol, the nature love vibes

SamJay: Wholesome, soft, healing together from traumaTM, protectiveness, also their Digimon were lovers and married in their previous life, what does that make us? 😳

SamDany: Mostly sibling-like relationship, but damn they have that Sun and Moon tropes?! How can you not possibly ship them!

SamLula: Shy and Confident, Bisexual/Lesbian solidarity 💕✨

JaySora: Opposite of the DanyYama tropes, why are our partners constantly arguing, can they please stop, pure and soft together.

DanyTaka: Digimon Au specifically, Oh you and I are the voice of the revolution? We are rallying up the troops together? Oh boi my Digimon feels love for yours, am I falling for you or are we falling together? Depression buddies but also each others hope and spirit boost ;;w;;

Any of the Warriors with the Sins: A whole lo t of mess, and just not healthy ... but I can already seen fandom people sayin g otherwise~

LustWrath: Spicy, no strings attached kind of deal.

WrathEnvy: ...Oof um, not healthy, kind of manipulative, we are devils there is nothing but toxic vibes.

PrideWrath: Rulers, King and Queen vibes, Yeah we are toxic for each other, f*** off.

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

Definitely Darkwolfmon! I am sure I explained in the first question why, but again I consider her to be that other half of me, the part of me I never discovered or the parts that essentially fill in the gaps within me. She is my precious partner Digimon and has honestly come a long, long way since I first created her. I believe sometime in 2009-2010, so almost 11-12 years since. She was the first ever OC of mine and is one I hold closest too in my heart.

For the longest time, even too now, I have always wanted her to just manifest at my side. Go on this journey of life together. While she might not be physically here like my child-self would want, she is still in my stories, my imagination, my inspirational drive. I think that is definitely more than enough, I don't know where or who I would be without having created her. I probably wouldn’t have a whole tale of OC’s and stories to tell if it wasn't for her. 

I am more than grateful and thankful that I am who I am because of this lovely Oc of mine. I can only hope to have her at my side for the rest of my days!

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

Most, if not all, my OC’s can sing! Their voices and tones vary, to which I cannot give a straight answer on how I headcanon most of their voices right now ^^; I will say that Danielle has a British accent to her voice as well as Spanish speak, and Sora has a Russian accent to her voice, so may be just lightly deep, but not to much.

I will definitely go with my Bsd Oc/Self Insert Danielle Mika Mason, however! Because I have gone and done a thing on how she would speak in her Japanese and English Dub! Other than me also being her voice, her Japanese VA would be Yui Ishikawa, same VA of the queen herself, Mikasa 💕 English VA would be Barrett Wilbert Weed, with an English accent, good Veronica from the Heathers! You can have a listen to her here in this post! 

Dany is meek when it comes to her singing, she will often be caught humming and softly singing something, but quickly tends to stop around others. She is often back and forth with how she sounds and often shuts down when she hears someone she considers better than her. She just needs some encouragement and a gentle push from someone she really cares about. When she does feel the push and genuineness from someone she will sing her heart out. But of course prefers to sing for only that one special person~ can ya guess~ 🐯

31.  Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really).

Oh boi! I literally have moodboards to add to this! I pick Samantha, or Sam! 

She would totes have a Tumblr blog, and Instagram! You always look forward to see what she post and just feel an instant calmness and warmth when you see it! She is always tagging her things appropriately, a soft and warm spring like layout that is shades of yellows, golds, orange, white; an occasional blue and teal as well! She would reblog anything of her aesthetic, golds, yellows, dance and ballet related things (may even post videos or poses of herself in practice and dance related things), cafe shops, sweets and desserts, warm night lights, cats, lots and lots of cats and felines of all shapes and sizes! Her best friend/boyfriend, Takaru always cameos in her stories and posts 💖

She would also reblog or spread awareness of any issues happening in the world, marking them and making her own voice heard as well. In spur moments, you may see her not tag things, but will likely go back to name things accordingly. She would also reblog anything of Bi Pride too!

28. Your most dangerous OC? 

Hmmm,,, my most dangerous Oc, I am taking the notion that they are just plain dangerous and likely of evil intent in their actions. Because plenty of my Oc’s on their own are dangerous in their own right, such as the Legendary Wolf Warriors, who have a great power at their paws. They can be destructive in their actions if they lose control or use it for the wrong intentions, which they wouldn't do of their free will. 

I will say Danielle and Sam are the strongest of the seven, because of their powers of Darkness and Light, respectively. Their souls created the others, so the other Warrior’s power does not match theirs. They can definitely be lethal together if used for the wrong reasons or if they are under the control of a Human or Deadly Sin.

Which leads me to say that the most dangerous of my OC’s with the worst intentions and evil thought processes that makes them dangerous is likely the Deadly Soul Sin Pride, or Mikka Penelope King/Pride as her solid name goes. 

She is definitely the most sinister of the seven sins, even worse than Wrath, who you may figure would be the worst. She has a calculating mind and is very precise in her actions and ways of manipulation. She has a poison within her veins that is just as deadly, capable of blinding others or even killing without remorse or care. While she may be a ghost like entity in my stories, a person/digimon holder in my Digimon College Au, she has enough power to influence people to fall under pride and vanity in the most dangerous level possible, heck even possess them if she wishes. That makes her stronger, as well as the other sins. Does not matter if she is dead or fades away for a while, her influence remains and if it does, than she can exist for a long as she desires.

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

Lol I saw cinnamon roll and instantly had a list of ocs ready, honestly any child OC I have is instantly a cinnamon roll and to good and put for this world, please treat them all kindly!

Current top Oc’s that come to mind are Haruko Mason-Nakajima, along with their nameless sister/pup! They are the sweetest babies ever and love them so much. Too good and pure, especially nameless pup with her love for tigers; she wants to grow up and be like her sibling and papa 🥺🥰  You can see the post on them here!

Next up is my precious flamey boi named Alik Azure Mizuhara! A next gen. LWW, son of Sora and Yamato! A little sightless boi with the softest heart and warmest empathy for others. Very much like his mother in likeness and pure curiosity of the world’s secrets and tales. His father worries for him a lot, but gradually learns to trust in his ability to guide himself. Don’t worry too much about him, he is very smart and knows how to care and guide himself!

Thank you so much for the time and questions you asked me Edgy! I had so much fun with these and gave me a chance to gush about my dearest OC’s! I do hope you find them of interest! 🤗🥺🥰

May your day be beautiful and amazing!! 🥰✨💖

[salamoonder]

ok this is going to be a long long rant idc if it gets shared, that’s fine, but if anyone has any advice i’d be grateful for it.

this whole...this whole situation. has made me feel so incredibly helpless and tired and burnt out and the worst part is I feel like i’m not even doing anything.

literally a few days before george floyd was killed I was trying to explain to my dad, who is cuban and white passing, just how bad police brutality and systemic racism has gotten. i’ve done this many times before. it never works. i don’t know why I keep trying. i pulled up statistics. i pulled up essays and charts and evidence. he has his master’s in marine biology. he should fucking know how to read this shit. all he said to me was that we never get both sides of the story and that the media always wants you to believe that the cops were in the wrong when in fact the person being attacked is always “threatening”. and I am so goddamn tired.

i haven’t gone to any protests. there’s been a lot near me. i’m literally fucking terrified of cops for a lot of personal reasons i won’t get into. my friends have gotten tear gassed less than two miles from my parent’s house. one of my oldest friends confirmed to me that a local news article that was published about the protest detailing some of the actions that the police took was just straight up lies. then it got confirmed again, by another friend. and another. and another. all had the same story. none knew each other. all said the cops were lying.

i’ve been getting into arguments on facebook. not with trolls. not with random strangers. with people I grew up with. coworkers. family friends. because if I can’t be out there protesting then MAYBE they will listen to me. because like that’s how I learned gay people weren’t evil, you know? i met one. and he was really sweet and polite and kind to me and I thought maybe he was an exception. and then my best friend came out and I met another. and then my classmate mentioned she was a lesbian. and then my friend said she was asexual. and they were patient with me, more patient than they should’ve been, and as a result I am here today, a trans + nonbinary bisexual person who doesn’t utterly hate themselves.

so I thought maybe maybe. maybe I can get them to listen. maybe they’ll respect me. maybe if I can just explain to them--but I can’t FUCKING explain anything. because i’m not starting with a base of “i know defund the police sounds scary but this is what it means”. i’m starting with a base of “i know it’s weird but maybe you should fucking care about people other than yourself”. and then i’m convincing them that racism is real. and then i’m convincing them that white privilege is real. and then i’m convincing them that systemic racism is real. and then i’m convincing them that i’ve experienced it. and then i’m convincing them that police brutality is real. and then i’m convincing them that there is no “right” side of politics because republicans let it get this bad and democrats let it get this bad and centrists let it get this bad and we are all to fucking blame but most of all the people in power are. and then i’m convincing them that capitalism is violence which is EXCEEDINGLY difficult. i even try to go the fucking religious route and convince them that anyone with as much money as jeff bezos is committing a capital sin so heinous that he simply cannot be allowed to exist as he is in “good christian conscience”. then they quote “give back to cesar what belongs to cesar” to me and I have to remind them that cesar fucking executed him and jesus took loaves and fish from people who barely had any to begin with in order to feed the crowds. and then I have to tell them about food waste and homelessness and it is so damn hard to explain to people that drug addicts are humans who require compassion and that people wouldn’t fucking steal if they weren’t starving and desperate and so sick of existence that they feel they need the thrill of taking things and so angry at the corporations that wiped out their local shops and enslaved their families. and i have to explain that toxic masculinity means that fragile men who are given weapons take out their anger and insecurity on innocent people and i just

i’m so goddamn fucking tired and no one will fucking listen to me and this girl i went to school with kept going on about the abortion rates for black people and i JUST wanted to punch her i couldn’t even tell her that actually abortion rates go down when the population doesn’t feel fucking desperate and miserable and have proper sex education and when rape culture isn’t rampant and i wanted to feel bad for her because this same girl wasn’t allowed to listen to fall out boy because it was “too blasphemous” and she’s never developed the ability to think for herself but i’m just so tired and so fucking angry that she refuses to listen to me and i can’t do anything i can’t. i don’t know i’m just tired i’m so tired of fighting.

[fandom-games]

What are my favorites things about the phandom? Well, let me get on going with this one.

1. Diversity

Everyone in this phandom has a real range of opinions and viewpoints when it comes to the way that we consume that sweet, sweet, Dan and Phil content. People are from all over and all ages and it’s really really cool because even at the end we are all still able to come together to be chaotic and funny and enjoy the content.

2. gay

The phandom is one of the most positive LGBT spaces I’ve ever been in. When everyone wasn’t too busy arguing over the sexuality of the boys (cringe lmao) over the years everyone always supported each other and was just able to be gay together. The phandom is the best group of lesbians I’ve ever been in, even most of them are younger than me. I’ve met trans people who I have actually gotten close to, which has helped me to better understand trans issues and I’m so grateful for that. Even while we’re all being thirsty lil rainbows, we still work together to support and love each other and just be so. damn. queer.

3. I cry

Okay so literally. I got drunk last night while playing Overwatch with some friends and then afterward as I was sobering up (but definitely still drunk) I started going through my tumblr archive from 2012-2014 and literally just got in my feelings are started drunk crying wishing I was 13-15 years old again lmao. I really appreciate that so many of the young people in the phandom are keeping the light going and the happiness and everything. I remember how much of my personality and life is because I have been a Dan and Phil fan and that’s so cool. I am so grateful for all of the people I have met in the Phandom in the past year or so of my life. I never got into being social in the phandom before then because I was so scared of being lumped in with the “cringe” side, but I’m so glad that I did. I joke a lot about being old as fuck and not being able to “connect” as well with the younger phandom, but I’m honestly so inspired and uplifted by the existence of those younger than me who are getting to enjoy the phandom and D&P’s content in the same way I did when I was their age. It may be different now because I saw a lot of the content as it was unfolding, but it really does mean a lot. I also am so grateful and love the people like @argoniodine who constantly support me and my overwhelming and crippling love for Phil Lester. So yeah. Dan and Phil have always meant a lot to me, and it really brightens my life to know that there are kids who are able to experience that too. Thank you to everyone who is helping to spread the D&P love and keep the hype going for the kids that need it. Not to be dramatic but I would not be here as the person I am today without Dan and Phil, and I want that for so many people. 

So, yeah.

liz you are honestly one of the funniest people i know, especially when drunk sentiments are involved. 10 points! 

-brook

[foreverheda]

My Clexa Experience

When I first started watching The 100 way back in 2014 I was intrigued by the “lord of the flies” feel of it all. Then the introduction of the Grounders made it even better. I liked it enough to keep watching but it wasn’t until Season 2 that I became really hooked.

The very first time I saw the young girl limp into the cell holding Kane and Jaha, I knew she was special. I didn’t even know her name or her role in the show but I fell in love with her immediately. When Lexa put Jaha on his ass I was literally on my feet screaming at the tv. Then it turned out she was the COMMANDER, I could see how strong she was and that she was idolized by her people. I felt a sense of pride, I was in complete awe of her.

As her story line progressed and she started interacting with Clarke I knew they were going to be so powerful together. It was a perfect scenario, two leaders coming together for the greater good. They became my hero’s.

I was screaming at my tv again when Lexa came out to Clarke, I couldnt believe that this woman on my screen was a STRONG LESBIAN in a LEADERSHIP role. My emotions were everywhere, my confidence got a huge boost, I started changing as a person. I saw myself in her, I saw what I wanted to be as a young lesbian. I was going to be a strong capable leader in my career and in my life, I had made up my mind. I knew right then and there that this was the couple of my dreams and I shipped it...HARD!

The first time Lexa kissed Clarke I bawled like a baby, and when Clarke pulled away I cried even harder. The first thing that I thought was that the writers were going to waste this perfect opportunity to create the most iconic couple, but then Clarke said the one word that restored my hope, “YET” and trust me when I say I’ve never been so relieved as I was in that moment.

When Mount weather happened my heart broke for the first time. I thought that was it for Lexa, that she was going to walk off into the darkness and never come back. I wasn’t on social media at the time so I didn’t have the inside scoop that she was coming back in season 3. I almost stopped watching at this point but my DVR was set to record so I watched.

I can’t describe the feeling I had when I saw her for the first time in season 3, I was elated! Even though Clarke hated Lexa and my ship was all but dead in my mind, I was just so happy she was back. The tension between them was intense to watch but things started changing when Clarke couldn’t kill Lexa. I saw true feelings between the two and I just knew that eventually they were going to act on them…my ship hadn’t sunk after all!

Everything that happened after that scene was perfect in my mind. Everything from Clarke becoming ambassador, Lexa swearing fealty, how protective they were of each other, I watched them fall in love and it was beautiful. I absolutely adored every interaction they had, I knew that I wanted have the kind of love they had in my own relationship. I couldn't be happier in my life at the time, these two characters resonated pure happiness deep in my soul.

Then came the episode that would change my life forever...307. Little did I know that while I was watching Clarke and Lexa finally express their love for one another that I would be shattered into pieces in mere seconds. I thought all this time that there was no homophobia in the 100. Now that I think back to Titus’s teachings and his reactions to Lexa’s relationships, I realise that I just didn't want to see it, I didn't want to believe for a second that this amazing couple could possibly NOT BE safe. But they weren't safe, I wasn't safe.

I’m not going to go into details, it's much too painful but most who read this will know exactly what I'm talking about. And I’m not going to describe my actual reaction, I relive it every day there's no reason to do it on the page. What I am going to say is that with Lexa’s horrific death I was completely broken, a part of me went missing that day and I haven't been able to find it. I stopped watching after that, that episode was too devastating, the pain I felt was excruciating.

I am one of those people who get super attached to characters, especially LGBTQ characters. I am very much aware that Lexa was not “real flesh and blood” but, she was positive lesbian representation, for myself and millions of others. All of the positive traits that I gained because of Lexa’s existence I lost with her death.

My life spiraled, I became introverted and went into a deep depression. Memories from my childhood started creeping back into my head. The memories of the struggles I felt as a young closeted lesbian who had no one to relate to and my sister outting me to my parents resurfaced. Pain that I hadn't felt for several years came crashing back. On top of the pain I felt because of Lexa’s death I had to deal with the pain of the past, it was almost more than I could bare.

At this point I was still not on social media and my friends couldn't relate to how I was feeling. In fact not only could they not relate, they couldn't empathize. I went several months without talking about what had happened with Lexa and I sunk deeper into depression and anxiety was added to the mix. When it got to the point I couldn't take it anymore I decided to confide in my best friend, lets just say it didn't go well. I was devastated, not only did I lose my best friend, I almost lost my life. But I didn’t, I survived but was completely numb, and I vowed at that moment that I would NEVER confide in another person about anything.

I went almost 2 years dealing with the loss of Lexa on my own, then by some miracle I discovered STAN TWITTER (Yes I know, I was sadly behind in the social media department) I found this amazing fandom devoted to Lexa/Clexa. I met so many like minded people who became my friends but I was astonished by the sheer numbers of hurt fans.

I learned of the fight for Lexa and I jumped right in feet first. I learned about troupes, the baiting fans endured and all of the controversy which revolved around the production crew and writers. Even though I didn't experience the baiting I was so angry, the rage I felt towards the people who knowingly put REAL people through the agony of losing their hero in the way they did was unmatched. I turned the grief and rage into twitter posts, pleading for the return of Lexa and for a Lexa Spinoff, 2 years later I’m still fighting for Lexa/Clexa.

It took me over a year on twitter to finally open up about my experiences, and it feels incredible to finally have someone to talk with who actually understands and relates. I am eternally grateful for whatever it was that led me to be in the right place at the right time. Talking and hearing others experiences are so helpful but unfortunately, those things didn’t eradicate the pain, depression, and anxiety. They remain but so does my drive to fight for a positive resolution for Lexa/Clexa.

The final season of the 100 is nearing and the closer it gets the worse my emotions and anxiety get. I need to know what is happening, is Lexa coming back or not? There are so many theories and there's absolutely no reason they couldn't bring her back. It's so hard knowing that my happiness, sanity, hell my life (Dramatic) lies in the hands of someone who may or may not care about any of those things. At this point I just want to know so that I can move forward and try to piece my life back together. I am so tired, I’m tired of hurting, i’m tired of being ignored, and I’m tired of being invalidated constantly. I want to feel whole again. I want to be shown that my life and love are as valid as the next persons. I just really need Lexa back.

[nonbinarylatula]

I have a few things I'd like to say regarding the recent "bi/pan lesbian" controversy. I'm posting it here rather than my Twitter for a few reasons:

Surprisingly enough, the climate of discourse here is NOWHERE near as bad as on Twitter and if I need to put searchable terms to invite harassment I'd rather do it here.

It's going to be rather long and I'd like to avoid spamming my followers with more threads.

I've just been using Tumblr longer, so I'm more comfortable with its interface.

Also, the interface is just inherently better suited for editing long posts.

I have many followers on Twitter who I imagine have had quite enough of this discourse.

So, I'm going to put a "read more" here. Hello to my Twitter followers that I've linked here! My goal is to help people understand where I'm coming from, not to change their minds. If you're already fine following me even though you disagree with me about this, there's no reason for you to read this.

First, I'd like to give a disclaimer. I am a bi and nonbinary person, and I don't at all consider myself a woman or a lesbian. I am not an authority on this issue, and I can't speak for anyone other than myself. But it still hits very close to home for me.

The way many people are making it out, the reason you can't be a bi or pan lesbian is purely an issue of definitions. But it's literally impossible for a definition to be perfect.

A word doesn't get put in the dictionary to dictate how it must be used. It's a descriptive process to document as closely as possible how people are already using it. A definition helps us understand language, but it doesn't tell us right or wrong.

With any definition, there will be edge cases. Some cases will exist right at the fringe of one or more categories, and may be either included or excluded more or less according to our intuition.

A definition can't possibly account for every edge case, because modifying it to include one creates more edge cases, and modifying it to exclude one makes some cases which were previously unambiguously included into edge cases. It is impossible to avoid this.

When it comes to LGBT communities, the inclusion or exclusion of edge cases is a very big deal. Excluding anybody could be denying resources to someone who may need it.

As a trans and nonbinary person, I am strongly for erring on the side of including edge cases, at least with those two identities. There are nonbinary identities I don't understand at all, and that even seem contradictory.

As a specific example, I've talked to several people who consider themselves both nonbinary and cisgender. I still don't really get what that means, and why someone would identify that way - but I trust that those people who I've talked to know best how to define their own experiences.

The right to self-define is extremely important for questioning people, especially young ones. I am eternally grateful that I was able to try out l lot of labels as a teenager without running into anybody who told me what I was doing was harmful.

If anybody I trusted had told me being ace wasn't lgbt, I think I would still consider myself a cishet.

If anybody I trusted had said that there were only 2 genders, would probably still think I was cis.

If I hadn't known better by the time people I trusted started saying that bisexuality excluded nonbinary people, or that nonbinary people could never date gay people, or that nonbinary people had to be "aligned" with one gender or the other, I honestly don't know where I would be. Nowhere good.

The decision to be so inclusive with definitions is one I'm glad the trans and nonbinary communities have (generally) made.

That being said, the bi/pan lesbian thing isn't only about definitions. Lesbian, in addition to just being a word that can describe a person, is a culture that a person can be a part of. And it's up to people who are a part of that changing culture to guide it where they want it to go.

As a non-lesbian, it is morally wrong for me to apply my own values to a culture I'm not a part of. Normally I would mostly follow the lead of people I know and trust who are actually a part of it - but they seem to be pretty much split on this.

I can, however, apply my own values however I want to my own interactions with people I meet. And for the sake of questioning people, people with complex nonbinary identities that interact with their sexuality, and people whose identities I don't completely understand: I am not willing to retract my own support for those who identify as both bi/pan and lesbian.

If you are a bi/pan lesbian and you need specific resources from me, you will have my full trust that you know how to responsibly define your own identity, and I will do whatever I can to help you.

[kachinnate]

as you all know, the only venting i ever post on here is reblogged subtle depression feels *sparkle emoji* or an explosion of all the shit that’s happened to me like every three months because i cannot take Any More under a read more 

the three month deadline has come now 

triggers below, check the tags please

this year has unabashedly been the worst year of my life. 

and that sounds dramatic, and i know i could have it worse, and maybe i’m being selfish because literally all the things that have happened this year have been all inner turmoils and i’ve literally had years where my family went through financial struggles + death and stuff and even that doesn’t compare to the emotional toll i’ve went through this year but it’s just. bad. it’s so bad. 

i don’t know how or why but my depression seemed to just fucking turn itself up 8 notches after january hit to the point where i had to tell my dad that i needed medical help lmao... and i got my first diagnosis, my first perscription.. and it didn’t work, so they upped the dosage, and that didn’t work, so now i’m on a new medicine which has a starting dosage of 150mg, and my doctor told me if this one didn’t work she’s going to refer me to a psychiatrist, and i must have looked so broken and on the verge of tears when she said this because she immediately had to reassure me that this wasn’t a failure on my own part, which logically makes sense right, but at the same time it’s just so?? fucking disheartening?? after months of my upper dosage not working i just cold turkeyed them until my next appointment which probably wasn’t the Best Thing because shortly following that i realized that i wanted to k*ll mys*lf more in a two week period than i’d have ever in my entire life, and i thought that suicide idealization was an issue i struggled with since forever, but boy howdy was i wrong because these past couple of weeks have been sooooooo fuckin bad lmao. like i struggle opening my medicine because sometimes i dump like all of it out and just. look at it. in my hand. i never actually do it because i’m way too scared of having a seizure or my dad doing something stupid if i were dead but what if. what if what if what if. it’s more of an intrusive thought than me planning on it, but. what if. my new medication has a specific warning that it’s dangerous for overdoses which is. genuinely kind of scary. what if. 

i realized that i don’t have anyone friendwise irl anymore over the course of this school year. to save you and myself the retelling of the most bullshit high school drama i’ve ever been apart of, i realized that all my friends in my Group (tm) couldn’t care any less about me than they already do. i’ve always adored them and loved them with all of my being, and yeah i am not endowed to their appreciation back i guess, but watching them slowly and gradually ditch me and exclude me and ignore me and go out of their way to show me that they don’t care about my existence has been the biggest fucking emotional blow. people outside of this group told me that they were awful people and bad for me and so incredibly toxic and guess what? i defended them and now the fact that i was wrong makes me want to tear my fucking guts out. i spent three whole years with these group of people only for them to decide in the past six months that i’m not worth it. i feel so fucking empty. one of those people was supposed to be my best friend of nine years. and i still fucking love him despite all of that, y’know? i love all of them even though they have made me sob every night over the latter course of a school year and feel unsafe in a club that i was once prominent in and that’s so bullshit and so unfair but it’s fine it’s whatever. and like, i should have seen it coming, because the build up was them treating me so fucking badly. it’s an ongoing joke that despite being rank 1 in my class, i’m.. an idiot? like it’s a joke that haha i’m short and haha i’m stupid and haha i can’t interact with people and i have debilitating anxiety and i make mistakes all the time and i’m the ditzy lesbian of our friend group, even when i express that i hate being called stupid but they just insist that they’re joking with me and that i’m too sensitive. i can count on one hand the amount of times they picked at me for my eating habits even though at least one of them knew i have a pretty bad ED. they picked and picked and picked at me and then when we have our first fight they all immediately fucking drop me, and i still love them and i still try to fix everything but suddenly i’m not worth the effort anymore. it’s draining. i’m so, so tired. outside of the toxic group(tm), anyone that was close to me as i friend (or otherwise) i ended up pushing away or drifting away from or fucking up the relationship on my own, and even if it’s ‘Okay’ on objective terms, to know that i fucked up something that was once really really nice and now i can’t even feel comfortable opening up a message first because i know i’ll get left on read or, even worse, have to read a one-sided, hardly caring/pitying conversation makes me just not want to bother at all. it’s so hard to reach out to the few people i know do kinda sorta care for me, but the fact that i’ve been absent for this long? it makes the few relationships i have strained and forced so i can’t even bring myself to put myself out there knowing that it’s only going to make me feel worse

working makes me?? so miserable ????? i worked at pizza hut up until the beginning of june and while i was good at it and i had friends there, i didn’t get paid enough so i had to quit. i started a new job. i fucking hate it. i actively dread going there. people refuse to train me or are incredibly fucking disrespectful/unfriendly to me if i ask for help or just don’t know how to do something. i feel bad ranting about it because every single person i’ve asked for advice from just says that i’ll get used to it or it’s in my head, which.... regardless of whether or not it is, making me feel like it’s my fault or that i’m being crazy makes me feel sooo fucking sick and like i’m actually insane. i heard it enough from my friends this year. i’m so tired of being blamed for things happening that, while they might be worsened by the anxiety in my head, it isn’t JUST THAT. sometimes things are just BAD but they’re not because I’M making them seem bad, they genuinely just are!!!! not everything is in my head !!!!! things can be upsetting with it being solely because i’m fucking anxious every moment of every fucking day !!!!! regardless i need money so i can’t quit but goddammit i hate every minute i’m not at my house. 

all in all, i just feel so, so fucking alone. i have friends on here, and i’m so thankful for them - i’m so grateful to every lovely message i’ve gotten on anon and i’m so thankful for my buds on discord and i’m so thankful for streams and my stream team and i’m so thankful for people who follow me for musicals or art and actively talk to me about them - but it’s just.. here. when i log off and step back from my computer, i’m just immediately fucking alone again. if i were to disappear one day, no one would know what happened to me or where i went, and eventually no one would even care, given that anyone even noticed my absence to begin with. i’m so replaceable. i’m literally just another fucking face on here. another cutesy musical blog ran by a very, very fucking dysfunction kid

anytime i’m shown any shred of kindness, i just. start sobbing. like i cannot even interact like a person, or hell, like the person i was a year ago. this girl i’d been talking to momentarily told me that for as much as i’m there for other people, i need someone that i can jsut lean on and have care about me, and like. i cried. so much. when was the last time i had that? when was the last time i just had someone, anyone just to be here for me? and again, not saying it in a way like i deserve that or am entitled to that, but god fucking damnit i haven’t just rant on and on or spilled my feelings to someone without worrying that they’d get upset with me or deflect it back onto themselves in so, so long. i just want someone to listen. i just want someone to care. 

and it’s who i try to be, all the time. the person that cares, the person that listens, and that just might be part of the problem. i say this all the time, and it’s a mantra and probably one of the main highlighted points that comes with my depression: i put so, so much out, so much energy and love and time, and i get almost nothing back. and it takes suuuuch a fucking toll. in such, it causes me to retreat and suddenly just cut people off or distance myself because i’m scared of letting myself get hurt again because the emotional turmoil i go through genuinely, genuinely almost fucking kills me every time. when that whole thing happened with my friend group, i went days without eating and just. wouldn’t talk. wouldn’t do anything other than school. because school is my safety, i can always rely on school, school will always be there - so i threw myself in school and overworked myself and overmaxed my credit hours and like. if i didn’t have that, if i didn’t have my classes, i really don’t know if i’d be here right now. and it sounds dramatic and i’m sorry, i hate it too, but it’s just the fucking truth.  but - yeah again, i’m the person that’s always there. that’s why i never fucking rant like this on here. i don’t want to be triggering, and i don’t want to cause people distress, and i want people who are having a hard time to see my blog and maybe feel a little bit better and feel happy and have fun. but in the end, this is the only place i have to scream out into the void because i genuinely don’t have a space to do that in real life anymore. nothing. there’s nothing else. 

i’ve always said that when i go to college, i’m just going to do a hard-reset and change up everything. reinvent myself. but sometimes i really don’t see myself getting out of this year alive, or at the very least in one piece. i’m already fucked in so many regards. i’m predestined to be an alcoholic. my brain is actively trying to fucking detonate itself. i’ve never been in love, and sometimes i worry that i never will be. i cry and cry and cry out, but i can’t get help. my solutions to problems is just working until i forget or sleeping until i forget or just finding an alternate way to fucking forget. everything that i’m looking forward to is so incredibly temporary or so short lived or so pathetically small in the grand scheme of things. i have to stay alive to see my AP scores on july 5th. i have to stay alive because i promised my friends i’d stream on this day. i have to stay alive because i promised addie i’d go see this show with her in september. but it’s not for me. it’s never for fucking me. i couldn’t care less. 

i’m not going to ever kill myself because i’m too scared of the pain or the symptoms that i’ll feel right up to it. but otherwise, i really don’t know why else i’m obligated to stay here. 

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

dan made me do it

(lol jk, but like i have Feelings(tm) about my sexuality and everything & figure this is the best time and place to do it...)

So I figured out I was bisexual a little over 5 years ago, after discovering it was a legitimate thing I could call myself whilst being on tumblr (2014 was a big time for lgbt discourse, especially in terms of the various terms and labels, most of which I hadn’t been familiar with...)... but tbh, I’d been trying to come to terms with who I was in terms of my sexuality for a long time

I grew up in a religious house (my parents were jehovah’s witnesses), but I never really remember anything vaguely homophobic being thrown around? And even if it did exist, I wouldn’t have been aware of it since I never had any question or doubt in my mind about the fact I was attracted to boys (I’d had a rly intense crush on this one boy for about 5 years through primary and secondary school... I still sometimes see his pics on facebook & u know what? I still would lol anyway...) my early days in school were mostly taken up by trying to get friends not be a total recluse (I’ve always had trouble making friends and connecting to people it’s no biggie it’ ss fineee........ ok carry on>>)

So going into secondary school I never felt that I was anything other than straight? But one thing I vividly remember was the way people in my year treated girls that were suspected to be gay... in short? they were seen as ‘dirty’... it was something perverted, and highly sexualised... (as in: being a lesbian meant masturbating a lot... (i mean: this says something about wider misogyny & demonising of female pleasure but like.. another time, another time) & also making out loads with other girls)...  like no one ever came up and said ‘being gay is wrong’, but whenever rumours spread about a girl being suspected as gay and they didn’t deny them, people would suddenly start whispering about them... & it’s super strange to me that this was the same culture that if two female friends were really close and got labelled as gay, but came out and were like ‘oh no we’re straight ha ha we just kiss at parties and touch each others boobs’ or whatever, people would be completely ok with it?

So I never really gave myself the opportunity to go into this... I was never comfortable enough to be super ‘close’ to any of my female friends (intimacy issues: we don’t have to to get into all THAT right now though lol ahahaha....ha...) & I knew I wasn’t so called ‘skanky’ like all the girls who were labelled as being actually gay...

& this was all happening as I found myself actually being interested in looking at girls... (like what can I say? boobs are friggin nice to look at lol...) But i always saw it as innocent intrigue, since I was only 11/12 at the time so hadn’t grown into my own at the time... and the fact I felt more comfortable being touched by or talking to or like literally doing anything with girls? it’s just cos boys are gross there’s no other reason behind it!!.... right?

I think a big thing is that a lot of girls are so open with each other... like they’ll compliment each other’s boobs or asses, or comment on how pretty they are or their makeup skills or whatever.. you’ll be hard pressed to find a girl that goes all ‘no homo’ on her friend except.... I feel like that was me lol? I remember getting compliments from other girls about my appearance (didn’t happen often though pffft) or anything really and feeling all mushy inside, and giving the compliments back felt like a big deal to me? idk I suppose all the warning signs were there that hidden under layers of introverted awkwardness was a lil bi demon just waiting to come out lol!

So yadyyada, 2014 happens and I finally realise I’m bi... I just remember reading something on here about bisexuality and being like ‘oh damn yeh... dat me??’... like it felt amazing to be able to finally accept that I actually like girls too?? & one of the first people I told was this guy I became friends with when I first went to college... & he told me he was also bi and I remember thinking ‘wow!!!!! so it’s actually real?! it’s not just something you see on tumblr from random strangers, it’s an actual thing people I know irl experience wowwowowow’... I also came out to another online friend who I was close to, and it felt really amazing... but I could never translate that into actually coming out in real life (not to mention life was kinda shit at this time and I had like 0 friends but hEY, that’s not for now kiddos lol)...

So yeh, I’ve never actually come out to anyone... not properly anyway... I’ve always been very open about my sexuality online, but in real life I’ve never really discussed it with ... anyone? & it’s not because I’m ashamed in anyway, and it’s not even as if I’m that scared I just... I’ve never felt the need to? But after seeing Dan’s video, plus it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, this is something I really wanna do... see; I was so ready to live life just being ‘straight until I maybe get a girlfriend one day’, so ready to only tell people if they ask me but I just realised... isn’t that partly living a lie? who I’m with doesn’t change my sexuality, so why is it something I’m seemingly so scared of declaring to the world??

I vividly have this memory, before I realised I was bi, and I have no idea of why or when or any of the details, but me and my mum were watching something, and bisexuality was mentioned, and either my mum agreed with, or she said something along the lines of ‘bisexuals are more likely to cheat’, and that’s really stuck with me.... it’s something that’s always nagging in the back of my mind, and it... really fucking hurts lol... I know for a fact my mum will love my regardless of who I end up sleeping with or whatever, she may be pretty conservative in her mindset of things but she’s always willing to be open minded which I really love about her... but knowing this inbuilt stereotype of bisexuality is something she both acknowledges and somewhat agrees with is really... sad...

I’m 21 years old, I’ve been in one relationship in my life which only last a few months and involved no kissing and only occasional hand holding because I was too terrified to do any more (again: subject for aNOTHER day lol), and I know for a goddamn FACT that my sexuality would never make me more likely to be unfaithful to someone I claim to love...I really hate that this is associated with the label, but it’s something I know that I am...  why on earth would I change that or try to be something else when I know that /this/ is me!

I think one of the biggest things putting me off ‘coming out’ is having to explain yourself... like dan howell made a 45 minute long video discussing his own sexuality and experiences cos he knew people wouldn’t just accept it if he just tweeted ‘yo dawgs imma queer lol #swag’ one day, and it feels kinda annoying that queer people/lgbtq+ people feel like we can’t just...... be ourselves without having to justify or explain it?! (even me making this post is solidifying that factor lol... it’s a mess lol)... like I just wanna live my life being bi, is that so much to ask for lol?

I am so so SO grateful we have so much more bi, and lgbtq+ in general, representation in media these days.... it’s goddamn beautiful to see our stories, and the stories of our community being told and cherished by millions, and that’s really gotta be something to rejoice in this pride month!!!

(side note: dan also talks about gender identity & I have literally never related to anything more lol... like 90% of the time I don’t feel like what people classify as ‘womanly’ things... but also I am a woman? idk man lol just call me a formless blob or whatever it was he said lol as a baby no one really knew if I was a girl or boy since my mum mainly dressed me in yellow & I had like 2 strands of hairs on my head lol... damn I miss those days lol)

In conclusion (or tl;dr as I’ve seen the Cool people write on their long posts (yes I had to google what it meant shhhh)):

Hi, my name is Xanthe, my username is ‘dangerliesbeforeyou’ here on tumblr because I made it 7 years ago and I wanted to use a cool sounding harry potter quote so I could come across as sophisticated but also nerdy, I’m a 21 year old female (mostly?) and I am a proud Bisexual...

I’m also single and very ready to mingle if anyone is interested ;;;;;;;;;)

(that’s only half a joke lol... plz romance me I’m v lonely)

[littlefrenchiefangirl]

It’s July 19th and I’m turning 19 today so it’s time for a yearly introspection lmao so buckle up folks I don’t know how long this post is going to be.

Two years ago on this day I just came out to my best friend, by text because I wasn’t able to tell her face to face. Partly because we kinda drifted apart at this time due to life problems and partly because we were both figuring out our sexual identity ( not easy to do when you go to a Catholic high school in a little town with homophobic folks lmao). So yeah, I was not doing good at this point of my life, internal struggles and all. I felt suffocated so I reached out to her, telling her I was a lesbian ( spoiler alert I still am, more than ever if possible). And she just took it so well it was a breath of fresh air in my life. She also came out to me this night and we were closer than ever once again and from now on whatever happened we had each other’s back.

During high school we made friends, with whom we’re still very close even if we don’t see each other as often as before. Last year on this day I came out to them during a small party. I’m an emotional drunk and I was quite tipsy ( apparently drunk me has no filter ). And they asked me questions, some stupid ones, some very interesting, but they were so supportive and so proud of me for telling them, we hugged it out with me crying from sheer hapiness in the middle of them ( btw, group hug where you are in the middle are awesome but it also feels like you’re fighting with an octopus). So yeah I’ll be forever grateful for my friends.

Around the end of March, the beginning of April this year, I came out to my brother in the most random way possible lmao. No build up, no long talk before, I just blurted it out during a car ride. He told me he already knew, that he had figured it out a long time before I was even ready to come to terms with my sexuality. Two weeks ago I came out to my mom and it was such a relief, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t cry when she said she’d loved me no matter what, that I’ll always be her daughter, that it didn’t matter who I love. I didn’t cry in front of her, but the next day I was alone at home and I cried my heart out, all the doubts I had, all the fear, the relief, the uncertainty that comes with coming out... I cried for at least an hour, sitting on the living room floor, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. It was a cathartic moment for me, and one I’ll probably always remember tbh. Of course I’m not out to all my family, hell my dad doesn’t even know I’m gay. But coming out is a slow process, and it’s as nervewracking as it is healing. So I’m out to the people I love ( dont get me wrong I love my dad but i genuinely don’t know how he’ll react). 

Of course during this time I had a few bad experiences, people I came out too, by sliding a comment in a conversation, who stopped talking to me out of the blue afterwards, tactile people who wouldn’t even look me in the eyes anymore...  Some took their time and came back to talk to me, some I’ve never seen again, some who began to question their sexuality even. Anyway, coming out is always scary, you don’t know how the people you love will react. For that I’ll forever be thankful for the universe or whatever deity out there to bring those friends into my life, online and irl friends, they are all a part of my growing process, and I wish they knew how much they matter to me. If only I wasn’t so emotionally stilted lmao.

During this time when I was in the closet, I wasn’t really miserable but I wasn’t exactly happy either. I was monitoring everything little thing I did, I still catch myself doing it sometimes, out of habit. I would always think about the way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I walked for fear of being outed. But during my time in the closet, I grew up, watching lgbtq+ content on the Internet, looking up to openly lgbt+ celebrities, secretly smiling at a gay couple holding hands in the streets, or queer people in my high school who would kiss in front of homophobic people to show them that queer people exist and they live their life freely, not caring about the judmental stares of bigots. So even if they don’t see this post, I’d like to thank them, seeing openly out lgbt people is so important when you are struggling with your sexuality yourself. It made my heart warm, it gave me hope that maybe one day I could have this kind of freedom too.

 It’s the first time I’ve written so much about myself on here, so much of my internal process and I’m literally crying rivers as I write this, all the feelings coming up to the surface in waves. But I feel like I need to write everything out to start a new chapter of my life. God this post is a mess. But again thank you to the one who came out before anyone was ready to accept lgbt+ people, thanks to the ones who recently came out, thank to the ones who’ll keep on coming out and fight for our rights until we don’t have to come out anymore. We still have a long way to go but I’m hopeful. Thank to the lgbt+ couples I see in the streets, kissing, holding hands, acting like a couple basically, but I know it takes a lot of courage for lgbt+ couples to act like a straight couple in the streets, the increasing of homophobic attacks in France these last few years have shown it after all. So thank you thank you thank you.

This post is already huge ( guess I’ll have to add a read more lmao) but I’ll keep going. I was not doing great this last year, my grandma passed away, it will soon be a year since she died and I miss her deeply. On top of that college was tough for me, I’m redoing my first year because I failed and it took an emotional toll on me. It took me a long time to accept it because I’ve always done good at school without putting much effort into it. French school system teaches you ( at least that’s how I perceive it) that failure is not an option, that if you fail you’re not good enough. I learned this year that it’s not true, you can fail and you can keep failing, it’s okay, you’re good enough, you just have to keep trying. Failure is okay, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. You can mess up, you can make mistakes too, as long as you learn from them it’s okay. You’ve got your whole life to learn, to grow and bloom. I’m finally coming to terms with that, I’m finally doing okay now, good even. There are always good and bad days, always will be and it’s okay. You can’t be at your full potential everyday, doing the best you can in the moment is already enough, whether it is writing a 12 pages essay due the next day, saving the oceans or just getting up from your bed. 

What I’m trying to say I guess is that, even if you’re not doing good now, it will pass eventually, the storm always go away. You just have to hang on the best you can until bad times are behind you. It’s okay, you’re okay, and if you’re not today, you will be someday. Life gets better, it truly does. You just have to give it a chance. 

[takaraphoenix]

Odd question but what do you think of the “fujoshi” community? Harmless fun or harmful fetishization?

Oh, oh I’m getting a headache just reading that question…

No, it is not fetisihzation that is utter bullshit. No it is not harmful, that is even more bullshit.

The people accusing fujoshi of fetishization do the exact same thing. They write the exact same stories and draw the exact same fanarts about the exact same gays. But because the creators in one case are females, they are the devil and they are fetishizing.

By every definition of the word, I am a fujoshi too - a female fan of mlm ships. Yaoi or shounen-ai, if you wish to continue using Japanese terms.

What fujoshi discourse boils down to is a group of people being misogynistic crybabies and not allowing females to have genuine interests.

The term “CIShet woman” is thrown around like a slur in this discourse - disregarding that not all fujoshi are CIS or het. I, for my part, am a lesbian. It’s literally only about those people’s hatred for women, really.

Because the exact same content is totally fine if it is made by a gay man.

They don’t even realize how ridiculous that is.

If we would ever only get representation if it gets written by a person from the group in question, we would literally barely get anything.

Most gay stories were written by straight men and women. Most stories involving characters of color used to be written by white writers. Someone has to pave the way - and it is the group that is most “accepted” to do the job. In the case of writing for Hollywood, those would be the white men. Does that mean we have no right to see movies about women or characters of color or non-straights? No, no it does not.

As a lesbian, I can still enjoy Willow and Tara as a lesbian couple on Buffy even though they were written by a CIShet man. I still get to enjoy Elena’s coming out story on One Day at a Time even though the show was not written by a lesbian.

So if you, as a gay man, can not accept seeing a mlm couple written by a woman, then the problem is not the woman who invests her time into writing this, it is with you.

Especially since we are talking fandom here.

We’re not even talking Hollywood. We’re talking about authors on AO3 and fanarts on DeviantArt and on here. We’re talking about fans, people who love something and dedicate their own time into creating something for free, something that you and everybody else gets to enjoy without getting any form of payment for it.

So instead of being grateful for the content, those people insult, belittle, bully and even threaten the creators.

THAT IS WHAT IS HARMFUL.

A woman creating art or stories is and can by definition not be harmful, because it is fiction about fictional characters and it is on the internet where you can just avoid it if you do not agree with it.

But those people who made this into a “discourse”, they are the ones being harmful because they mistreat people who do something they enjoy.

People crying that “Those women enjoying what I am enjoying and what is clearly aimed only at me because it represents me, they are ruining the thing for me!!!” are the exact same type of whiny babies as the men who started crying this exact same sentence when women started showing interest in nerd culture - you all do remember that, right? The uproar against female fans in the MCU and DC and Star Wars and Star Trek culture because how dare women show any interest in these things that “belong” to men. All this shit about “fake nerd girls” that female fans of those shows and movies have to put up with, just for being female and interested in this thing.

Women aren’t allowed to have interests.

That is literally what this boils down to.

95% of canonically gay anime and manga were written by fujoshi - most of the things those antis consume was created by fujoshi.

The most ridiculous thing I ever saw on the topic was an anti making a post that fujoshi aren’t allowed to go and see Love, Simon because it is not meant for them, it is meant for gays.

It is not.

I, as a lesbian, wish to see this movie about a gay teen romance, because heaven knows I won’t get my lesbian teen romance any time soon on this big scale.

And the wildest part? Love, Simon was literally written by a fujoshi. By the very thing they hate - the CIShet white woman. The very kind of person they want to forbid from seeing this movie. That is the author of the book.

It’s a ridiculous double-standard and it baffles me that so many people on this hellsite don’t seem to grasp that.

Representation only matters if it is written by the minority represented and no one else aside from said minority is allowed to enjoy this.

That is literally like saying white people and non-black POC aren’t allowed to watch Black Planther or make fan content to it because it solemnly belongs to black people? Aren’t allowed to see Coco because it is clearly only aimed at Latinx people…? Oh yes, it is very clearly created for this group of people and from everything I’ve seen on this site, they’re the ones who get the most enjoyment out of it and out of the representation it brought with it - but that… that doesn’t mean that no one else is allowed to enjoy this.

I saw Coco five times by now and I’m white as fuck and I highly doubt that Latinx people in the fandom will give me shit for writing fanfiction for it, or accuse me of “fetishizing” their culture just because I’d write fanfiction for this movie. Which I am, literally working on a fic for that, hence the example.

Just because something is aimed at a certain group does not mean only they can enjoy it.

It’s a ridiculous concept of double standard that is being used in the fujoshi discourse.

I’m a woman, but I’m still allowed to consume media aimed at men - holy shit, aren’t we literally trying to break gender norms these days, like, seriously?

I’m a lesbian, but I’m still allowed to consume media featuring straights and gays and bisexuals and everything else under the rainbow. It’s not like I am only allowed to watch lesbian shows… because then I would literally have nothing to watch.

I’m white, but I’m still allowed to consume media featuring and focusing on characters of color. Because holy shit, I also don’t want the all-white casts anymore, it’s intensely stale and boring and outdated?? We are literally glad that we finally broke this kind of writing when it comes to representation in this aspect, so how could you want to revert back in the case of representing sexualities…?

If everyone is only allowed to consume media that focuses on representation of themselves, then you are really living in the stone-ages. They do know that this led to Hollywood and TV shows being predominantly white and male, right?

Fujoshi are female fans creating content for other fans.

Fujoshi discourse is overgrown babies crying about women having interests, using bogus claims like “Stop fetishizing ME!!!”.

No one is fetishizing you, unless you are a male celebrity and reading RPF about yourself. Those are literally the only people who can cry out about personally being fetishized. Celebrities who are being directly lusted after and have smut written about them.

Someone writing about something that includes part of your identity does not and will never personally fetishize you.

Hentai anime about big boobed girls? Does not personally fetishize me just because I’m a busty girl. It’s gross as fuck and I don’t like it, but I can just avoid it and I don’t feel personally victimized by its existence.

That is fetishization though. Women with waists that should break under the laws of physique and boobs trice the size of their heads. That is fetishizing women.

If fujoshi would be fetishizing gays, then they would be with such emphasis of their glorious cocks and mighty balls or some shit.

Essentially 50% of the things fujoshi create are soft. Fanfiction, fanart, doujinshi - fluff, about cuddling, two characters holding each other, that 50k slow-burn coffee shop AU you read last month.

Writing about a healthy, slow relationship is not and never will be “fetishization” - and it sure as heck will never be fetishization of you personally, because it isn’t about you.

Now to get back to a point I mentioned earlier.

Not every fujoshi is CIShet. For me, personally, writing about mlm relationships and reading about them was dealing with my own homosexuality - because we don’t get female gay love.

I could walk into any bookstore and thanks to Japanese fujoshi authors, I could just buy a manga about two teenage boys, discovering their sexuality and dealing with it. No sex involved. Not a single manga I own written by a fujoshi is even yaoi. Sex doesn’t have to be in it. Like I said, most content is impossibly soft and fluffy in nature.

And it helped me come to terms with my own sexuality, with the fact that it is possible to not be straight.

It’s harder to write about wlw ships than it is to write about mlm ships by sheer math alone.

Look, say, at the Avengers - you had one female character and five male characters in that lead team. There wasn’t even an option to write about a wlw ship, while you have ten possible mlm ships. So, what are you supposed to write about as a woman? Natasha masturbating for 20k words, or what? Because I, as a woman, am not allowed to write about men…?

Look at the Voltron fandom, where you have five male characters and two female… but oh my, one of the females is literally 15 while the other is an ancient alien; not the kind of ship I sail, so again no wlw ship to write about, but just as many mlm options as in the above mentioned.

And that is a pattern.

Franchises - anime, manga, cartoon, TV shows, movies, books - are dominated by male characters. Most lead characters are male. They are more fleshed out, better developed than the rare female characters.

Even nowadays, the male characters are still mostly more dynamic and more interesting than the females, because the females are either the Mother Character, the mere bland Love Interest who doesn’t get developed beyond being a love interest to the male lead, or the Badass Female whose only real trade is that she can kick ass, but real personality mostly still comes short.

So yeah, it’s virtually not a surprise that fanfiction authors - male and female alike - mostly latch onto mlm ships and write and draw about them, because there are statistically speaking more male characters in fandom and more mlm options than wlw options.

And if you forbid women from being interested in male characters and their relationships, if you forbid women from participating in fandom, if you forbid women from creating for the things they love…

There would be no fandoms.

Literally.

Fanfiction started because women wanted to see Spock and Kirk fuck. While there are many male creators by now, fandom has always been rather dominated by women, who created and set the path.

So we are good enough to put you where you are now, but now we are forbidden from participating in the very thing we created? Literally, the thing we created - because most of your boyslove manga and anime were created by fujoshi. So you are allowed to consume that but you do not allow the people who are like the author to also enjoy it…? Really?

And then there is also still that accusation that, somehow, “we” evil CIShet women get off to fetishizing “you” poor gay men.

I’m ace. I don’t get off to the smut I write. I write the sex scenes because they are part of the relationship, just as I write the wooing and getting together. It ain’t about “getting off”. It’s about the enjoyment of writing.

And while I, personally, don’t identify as a fujoshi because I don’t like the term, others do - and others have a right to. Just like I would never call myself a stan of anything, because I don’t like the term - but by definition I most likely do stan a lot of characters and shows and things.

I think a big problem is that fujoshi, translated, means “rotten woman” and somehow the butthurt crybabies who feel personally victimized by fujoshi see that as meaning something bad.

Yes, the words rotten woman do not exactly scream “Oh, this is a nice thing!”, but those people don’t even bother looking up the meaning - because words have meanings, connotations attached to them. And meanings change. Just because something seems to “say” one thing if you do a literal translation of it does not necessarily mean that the word also means the same thing that said literal translation offers. That is not how language works.

And at its very core, all that fujoshi means is “female fan of mlm”. The term itself was coined during times where liking gays and being gay was even more scandalous than today. You were rotten if you liked gays, a disgusting, rotten person - and yet still those women weren’t stopped. They created.

They created things that future generations got to enjoy. They created a pathway.

And if people today want to call themselves fujoshi because they identify with the term, then absolutely no one has a right to judge them, has the right to assign a different meaning to that term.

How do we, today in this day and age where we are all about claiming our own identity, have people out there who think they can dictate the identity and interests of others?

How is the gay community so rotten that there are people not allowing women to have an interest and condemning them for the label they chose for themselves…?

That is the disgusting and harmful part of the fujoshi discourse, really.

[the-zodiacs-written-in-the-stars]

Chapter 6: Mel & Tanya

Tanya was sitting at the bar, enjoying the homemade lemonade – Jamie made such a good lemonade it was insane. Lemons, lime, elderflower and mints. It was probably the most refreshing thing she had ever drunk. Sighing softly, she poked at the mint leafs in her drink with her straw.

“Wanna talk about your day, girlfriend?”, asked Jessie with a smile.

“It was exhausting”, sighed Tanya and looked up at the bartender. “It's just... work. A lot of work.”

“I gotta have a talk with Matt? I will have you know, I will have a talk with him”, warned Jessie.

Tanya smiled fondly and shook her head. Jessie was a wonderful person and one of the reasons Tanya had come to frequent the St. John's Pub. Though to be fair, both St. John siblings gave their regulars this feeling of home. They welcomed everyone and made them feel like they belong.

“Why the hell did you talk to my sister in ASL?”

Both Jessie and Tanya turned toward a frowning Mike. The detective looked very confused. Jessie leaned in, very intrigued in where this was going, casually wiping down the counter.

“Why not?”, countered Tanya, equally confused. “You told me she's mute.”

“...I never... what...?”, grunted Mike, confusion visibly growing.

“You said she can't talk”, disagreed Tanya, one eyebrow raised.

There was a stretch of silence in which Mike just stared at her blankly. “What... No. What. I said she can't talk to pretty girls. I didn't mean that she can't talk at all.”

“That makes no sense”, pointed Tanya out, a frown creasing her eyebrows.

“Mel is what others would call a useless lesbian. Only that she takes it to the extreme”, offered Jessie casually. “She is tongue-tied when a gorgeous woman talks to her. It's amusing.”

“That's ridiculous”, muttered Tanya and shook her head.

“I know”, sighed Mike. “But still. Wait. So... Why do you even speak ASL...?”

“My babushka, she went deaf... fifteen or so years ago? My whole family learned ASL.”

“Your Russian grandma in Russia went deaf so your Russian family in Russia learned American Sign Language...?”, questioned Jessie, both eyebrows raised high.

“Yes, my grandmother who immigrated to Russia fifty years ago to be with my grandfather and never let go of her roots in San Francisco and taught my father and me English, insisted that we learn American Sign Language”, replied Tanya with a neutral look.

“Oh”, hummed Jessie and nodded. “Cool. So, Mike, why does your sister know ASL?”

“I don't know. She was bored one afternoon and decided to learn ASL after binge-watching Switched at Birth because learning a new language is what that geek defines as a hobby”, shrugged Mike with an eye-roll.

“That is very impressive”, stated Tanya, eyebrows raised.

“Not when you consider she's fluent in like nine languages and can't talk to pret...”, started Jessie in a snarky voice before trailing off. “Wait. Wait, you talked to her? Like, had a conversation?”

“Yes?”, confirmed Tanya confused.

“That's it!”, exclaimed Mike excitedly, hitting the bar with his fist and startling the girls. “So, all we have to do is find a nice lesbian who's fluent in ASL for my sister and then it'll all work out.”

“I mean, it narrows down the pool, but...”, drawled Jessie unimpressed.

“Well, it's not like I know a lot of lesbians to begin with”, huffed Mike frustrated.

“I feel summoned. What are we talking about?”, asked Babs as she returned from serving beer.

“See. There she is, the only lesbian I know”, grunted Mike, vaguely motioning at Babs.

Blinking a couple of times, Babs hopped onto the bar, on Mike's other side. Tanya tilted her head and looked at the waitress. Babara was cute, in a dorky way. With the neon-green dyed hair put up into two pig-tails usually, lipstick and nail-polish in matching shades of magenta as always. She had very distracting boobs, if Tanya was being honest.

“And... why exactly isn't the only lesbian you know a match for your lesbian sister?”, asked Tanya curiously. “Does it have anything to do with the fact that lesbians do require more than just shared sexuality to work out as a relationship...?”

“Eh”, huffed Mike with a dismissive hand-gesture. “No. It's that Mel's a college professor and Babs is her student and that's a total no-go for Mel. So, Babs is out of the game. I mean, I had hopes for Jessie, but... straight people exist.”

Babs opened her mouth to answer, but Jessie beat her to the punch. The barkeeper lifted a hand to silence Tanya before leaning forward against the bar, leveling Mike with an unimpressed look.

“Don't tell me you forgot sexuality isn't black and white. Straight and gay. We literally got all the colors of the rainbow to play with, you know?”, chuckled Jessie. “Remember when I told you I'm not interested in women? Let me guess, you concluded I'm straight.”

“Well... something tells me you aren't. And that something is the judgmental look on your face”, offered Mike, sitting up with a frown.

“I'm not interested in women. But I'm also not interested in men”, replied Jessie with a shrug. “I identify as aroace. Aromantic and asexual. I aspire to become an old cat-lady.”

“Right. That's a thing. I saw it on that show Mattie loves watching so much”, muttered Mike embarrassed. “Never heard of it before. So I kinda... didn't... think about it.”

“Why am I not surprised that the gay archer who loves his men tall, dark and handsome watches Shadowhunters?”, mused Babs teasingly, kicking her legs back and forth. “I bet he has a total crush on Alec Lightwood. He does, right?”

“I'm not talking about that with you”, grumbled Mike frustrated.

“What did you girls do to him? He looks miserable.”

Tanya rolled her eyes just a little at how much Mike's face brightened up when Jamie poked his head out of the kitchen. His shoulder-long, light-brown hair was pulled up in a bun, some strands falling into his freckled face. Mike stared at him like he really wanted to brush the hair out of Jamie's face and then trace the freckles. Honestly, Mike and Matt were pretty pathetic. Jamie walked over to Mike and put a container with most likely two burgers and fries down.

“Thank you, Jamie. You're a life-saver”, sighed Mike. “I'm starving and me and Rick are gonna be busy throughout our break too probably...”

“Can't let our police-force starve”, chuckled Jamie, amusement in his dark eyes. “Make sure to take better care of yourself though.”

Mike just nodded, looking after Jamie as the cook disappeared back into his kitchen. “Anyway. I should get back to work. See you around, Tanya?”

“As always”, sighed Tanya, waving dismissively as Mike left the pub.

She raised both eyebrows as Jessie and Babs seemed to be zooming in on her. Jessie cocked her head in a nearly judgmental way and crossed her arms over her chest, while Babs grinned.

“So, why didn't you mention that you're not straight?”, asked Babs teasingly. “Mel not your type?”

“For one, I don't make a habit of flaunting my sexuality in everybody's face”, grunted Tanya unimpressed. “And for another, I will not be used by Mike to be set up with his sister. She seemed nice and all, but this is not the way I will find a partner.”

“Girl”, sighed Jessie, both eyebrows raised. “You're already fishing in both ponds but you're still single. I don't think you have a way to find a partner.”

“I will not be sassed about my lack of love-life by you, of all people”, huffed Tanya.

“Oh come o—on, it's like one of life's joys when you're ace”, pouted Jessie.

~*~

Melanie straightened her glasses as she put another paper down. She was getting good work done today. Maybe she'd even finish grading them all today. That would be nice.

“Hello, Melanie. Your hair looks nice today.”

...That would be it for her papers. Sighing, Melanie looked up at his brother's obsession. “James.”

James St. John was a handsome man, though Melanie attributed that to the fact that he looked a lot like his younger sister Jessica. Pale, freckled skin, lean body, soft, brown hair and dark, green eyes. They also both had that same smirk, filled with mischief and something foreboding. James grinned pleased at Melanie as he got comfortable on the seat opposite of hers.

“I was wondering if maybe you could do me just the smallest, tiniest favor, perhaps.”

“What is it?”, asked Melanie with a heavy sigh.

She liked James alright. He was kind, amusing and a brilliant cook. On top of it all, she knew what a huge crush Mikey and Matt both had on the guy. And there was one thing Mel had always been, supportive of her siblings and accepting of their love-interests.

“You know the kids who always come here for warm meals?”, asked James carefully, a serious look on his face. “Their names are Ally and Andy. They're orphans. Ran away from the same foster-home together. And, well, at first... it was just warm meals. Then a dry place to stay and... they kind of stopped leaving and the guest room kind of turned into an actual bedroom for them and now I'm fighting my way through the process of becoming a foster-parent. And, well, I figured it'd leave a better impression if I'd actually get the kids back into school.”

“That's... very admirable”, nodded Melanie surprised. “And... what kind of help do you need?”

“It's...”, started James before he sighed and rubbed his face. “Ally's fourteen. Andy's nine. They're... behind. They've been living on the streets for over a year now. And honestly, I'm... lost. I dropped out of high school for a reason. I ain't that kinda person. Neither is Jessie. You're a figure of authority, you're a teacher, you're passionate about learning. I've heard you rant to Babs about it. I thought maybe... you could talk to them? From a different perspective.”

Melanie frowned. This was not exactly what an English literature professor did, but she could see the despair in Jamie's eyes. He was clearly frustrated and clearly trying his best. And it wasn't like she didn't understand where he was coming from.

“Okay. How about you introduce me to your young charges and I'll see if I can help?”, offered Mel.

Jamie offered a grateful smile before he got up and left for upstairs, where Jamie, Jessie and Babara were living. Moments later and he returned with two kids. The girl older, with long, tight curls and Polynesian features, skin a light shade of nougat and eyes guarded as she glared around the room. The boy next to her was younger than her, he was black, with short hair and what looked like lightning-bolts shaved into the side of his temples.

“Guys, this is Melanie. She, uh, offered to sit down with you and see if she can help with your school work”, introduced Jamie, one hand on the girl's back.

“Hello, ma'am”, greeted the boy, holding his hand out to shake hers.

“Such a polite young man”, smiled Melanie, biting her lip as she shook his head.

Jamie grinned brightly at that and shrugged. “I'll leave you to it.”

Ally glared wearily as she sat down opposite Melanie. She was wearing a hoodie such a pale shade of red that it matched her coral-necklace, her hands buried deep in the front-pocket of the hoodie. She was it like armor, Melanie was more than familiar with that. Compared to Ally, Andy seemed far more open and also eager, leaning forward curiously.

“So, the two of you don't want to go to school?”, asked Melanie.

Andy opened his mouth to answer, but a side-glance from Ally made him close his mouth. Melanie offered a wry smile and leaned back, pushing her glasses up as she watched them for a long moment. Andy had large, soft-brown eyes, making him look innocent and inquisitive.

“Okay, I have two theories here”, started Melanie slowly after a few minutes of watching the siblings and their body-language. “Wanna hear them?”

“Whatever”, muttered Ally dismissively.

Melanie hummed and tilted her head. “One is the fact that James isn't certified as a foster-parent yet. Going to school means settling it. It means growing comfortable here, to make friends. But if James won't become your foster-father after all, you'll have to run away again. And running away hurts more when you have someone to leave behind. Friends.”

Ally stared at her surprised, then wearily. “It's... not that we don't trust Jamie. But the system's rigged and I don't need to try if it's just gonna be a waste of time.”

“I get that”, replied Melanie and nodded.

“Right”, snorted Ally, slipping down further in her seat.

“I'm an orphan too, you know”, hummed Melanie casually, tilting her head. “But I was already eighteen when my parents died. But my younger brother, he was... he was about your age, Ally. He was thirteen back then. And our younger sister was ten. I had to fight to get to keep my siblings. Social workers didn't think an eighteen year old girl would be able to take care of two children, work and go to school. My younger siblings acted up, because they were afraid too. They were afraid to be taken away and they didn't know how to cope.”

Ally slowly seemed to relax a little bit. “So... how... did they cope?”

Melanie shrugged and tilted her head. “They had to trust me. I... One night, they found me crying in my room, because I really, really didn't know how I could do it. I thought I wouldn't be good enough for them, because they were acting out, that maybe it would be best for them if they got a second chance with someone who could be a parent for them. I was trying my best, but I was all alone and I didn't know how to do this because I had never done this before. That night, they realized that... that they were afraid and hurting, but... so was I. Just because I was older than them didn't know I really knew what I was doing.”

“And what did they do then?”, asked Andy, leaning forward so much on his chair, Melanie feared the boy would just fall off any moment. “Could they help you? Did it work out?”

That made Melanie sigh and shake her head. “Mikey, my brother, he... wanted to actually help. He thought that he had to do something, so he suddenly decided he had to work beside school and help out. But that's not... The way you can help is by listening to James. What he's saying about school is right. School is important and if he can show off that he has you enrolled in a school, integrated into the community, that he's taking care of you, it will make him look better. I understand that unlike me, James isn't alone in this. He has his sister and I believe Babara certainly helps out too, but he'll really rely on you two being cooperative. You want to stay with James, right?”

Both children nodded at that, still looking at her like she held all the answers in the universe. Ally bit her lips and looked at Melanie wearily, like she was trying to sort her thoughts to ask a specific question. Melanie slowly took a drink from her tea, patiently waiting for Ally to be ready to ask whatever it was that was on her mind. They were good kids, both of them.

“What... happened with your siblings?”, asked Ally finally. “Did they get to stay with you?”

“They did”, confirmed Melanie with a small smile. “We... worked hard, together, to make it work.”

“And what do they do now?”, wanted Andy to know eagerly. “Your siblings?”

“Mikey is a cop”, replied Melanie, smile growing with pride. “He's a regular at the bar too. You surely have seen him around before. He looks really grumpy very often and has black hair like me.”

Andy's mouth formed an o as he nodded. “And your little sister?”

Melanie's face fell some as she blinked. “Mack... She's living in New York. Sadly, we don't have a lot of contact anymore, because she lives so far away, but I'm sure she's very happy with her life.”

Ally looked skeptical, like she didn't believe a word Melanie was saying. In the end, the girl allowed Melanie that little lie and just got up from her seat, motioning for her brother to follow.

“Come on, Andy. Let's see what Jamie's doing in the kitchen. I'm hungry”, hummed Ally.

“Oh, yes! Burger!”, demanded Andy excitedly and rushed past his sister.

Melanie smiled fondly but sadly as, for just a moment when she looked at the two children, she felt reminded of Michael and Mackenzie all those years ago. It's been a long journey for them and it was going to be a long journey for Ally and Andy, but considering everything Melanie knew about the Saint John siblings, she knew Ally and Andy would be fine with them.

~*~

Tanya wanted to get a head-start before going over things with Mike and Matt. They needed to meet to discuss what to do. They had superpowers, supposedly so, they had a kind of duty. What to do with it, that was what the three of them had to decide.

Tanya was so tempted. Aquarius had already shown her that this whole deal came with a costume. Only later did Aquarius tell her that she could or should have gone for armor. Instead, Tanya had gone for fashionable. A short, sleeveless dress made out of dragon-skin that actually looked like the scales of Aquarius – a matching shade of turquoise. It was tight and short, giving her more room to move. And it had a cape, because heroes had capes, okay? The high heels on the boots were most likely not the most effective things, but she hadn't walked in flats in at least ten years, so that would be even more impractical for her personally, so there was that. At least the costume was heat-resistant because it was dragon-skin. No dragons had been harmed in the making of it though, since it was all magic. But at least that justified the cape some, because she could use it for hiding from fire and extreme heat. Generally, she loved the costume her subconsciousness had come up with.

The weapon that had come with it though...

A broad-sword with a zig-zagged blade. A vicious thing. Tanya did like how impactful it was, but she wasn't entirely sure about wielding it just yet. She could make it work, because she did know how to use a sword, at least the basics of it, it was just different from any sword she had ever worked with. She had studied the blade, sword-dancing had been a hobby of hers as a teenager.

“Okay. Teach me about my powers”, requested Tanya seriously.

Aquarius tilted her head curiously. “You do want to become a hero.”

“Yeah”, confirmed Tanya hesitantly. “I... suppose so. This power wasn't granted to us for us to stick our heads in the sand... And at the very least, I want to know what I'm capable of.”

Tilting her head into the other direction, Aquarius nodded pleased. That dragon was way too cute.

“There are twelve Zodiacs. They're assigned to the four elements, three Zodiacs hold powers of each element”, started Aquarius and stretched out, resting her chin and her front-paws on Tanya's lap to make her scratch Aquarius' head. “Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn are the signs of earth, Sagittarius, Leo and Aries are the signs of fire, Cancer, Pisces and Scorpio are the signs of water and Gemini, Libra and I are the signs of air.”

“Right. So, who was drunk when they decided that the literal water-bearer should be assigned air?”, asked Tanya with a frown, scratching Aquarius behind the ear.

“I'm a water-dragon”, chimed Aquarius. “I spit water, not fire. And I am a dragon. I fly. Air. So, it's a bit mixed. Guess that led to confusions. It's why one of your predecessors had such a weird myth around her birth. With the whole daughter of the sky – air – and the ocean – water. Which, I guess, works as me creating her to be a hero.”

“So, what powers do I have?”, asked Tanya, frown deepening even more.

“Air”, hummed Aquarius, relaxing under Tanya's fingers and making purring sounds.

“What does that even mean?”, sighed Tanya and leaned back on her couch. “Fire, water, even earth, they all seem to have some nice possibilities. What can I do with air?”

“Many of your predecessors could fly”, offered Aquarius casually. “Air is everywhere. You can do so much with it. The only limit is your imagination. You can manipulate the molecules in the air. You can solidify it, or thin it out until it's hard to breath. You can manipulate the temperature of the air, really, there is a lot you can do with it. You just have to... try.”

“Okay. Let's maybe not start with flying”, suggested Tanya concerned. “I feel like it would not end well if I'd jump off a building right now. The rest sounds interesting enough to work with. How?”

“I don't know”, hummed Aquarius with a yawn, closing her eyes. “Concentrate. Just do it.”

“...That's not helpful”, sighed Tanya, the frown returning.

“How would you explain breathing to someone else?”, shrugged Aquarius. “It's that. It's... It's just something you can do. Something I have always been able to do. It's... Just do it.”

It would be easier to be irritated if Aquarius didn't look this adorable when pouting. Sighing, Tanya continued scratching Aquarius behind the ears until the dragon fell asleep in her lap. Okay. Just do it. It couldn't be that hard. She just had to... do it. Somehow.

Maybe if she approached it like a mime? Solidifying air by forming it. Closing her eyes, Tanya focused on visualizing it. Visualizing firm, solid glass beneath her fingers, instead of air. She pressed the flat of her hand against nothing and kept concentrating, until... until it was solid. Her eyes snapped open as she stared stunned at the air. There was nothing visible, but the air still felt like it had turned into solid glass. Removing her hand, Tanya kept staring. Tentatively, she knocked against the air – and it actually worked. It was still solid. Okay. She could work with this.

And fighting supervillains with actual superpowers seemed far more realistic than simply with a sword. Maybe they could do that. She wasn't sure of it just yet, because the thought was scary, but... there were villains, literal villains, hurting innocent people. And the three of them belonged to the twelve only people on the planet who could do something. They had to.

~*~

“Okay. This feels utterly ridiculous, Taurus”, sighed Melanie softly.

“It only feels ridiculous because you had to go to your brother's place to find a big enough plant”, pointed Taurus out.

Melanie grumbled, her cheeks flushing. She wasn't good with plants. Apparently, that was now going to change, thanks to her Zodiac and his powers. Or at least, Taurus said so. Melanie wasn't quite sure – which was why they had gone to Mike and Matt's. Melanie knew the couple weren't home, they would be gone the entire weekend, staying at Matt's parents'. And Melanie had a key to their gorgeous Victorian-style house. She loved that house a lot. Two stories, an attic, a basement, a backyard and winter garden. Sure, Matt was rich, it figured he wouldn't want to live in a shack.

She often came to their house, even when they weren't home. Neither of them had a problem with it, Matt had an actual library and it had proven very useful for work. Also, Melanie just felt happy when she was surrounded by books, so there was that.

There was the master bedroom, the office space and two more bedrooms on the first floor, aside from the library. One of those bedrooms belonged to Matt's little sister. She regularly came to stay for a weekend in Los Angeles with her big brother, or spent the holidays, so Matt and Mike had simply converted one room to be all hers. And she loved it. The other bedroom was a guestroom, where Melanie found herself staying regularly too. Sometimes because she worked too long in their library and forgot about time, other times she would stay over after a movie night or something.

But what Melanie was seeking out was on the first floor. Oh, Melanie really did love this house. A sitting room in the center of the first floor, connected to the guest bathroom, the kitchen, dining room, living room – and the winter garden. Which was exactly why she was there today.

“Okay. Tell me what to do”, prompted Melanie with a frown as they reached the winter garden.

It was a long room, with window-walls all around. Fresh beautiful flowers and plants all over, as well as four deckchairs. The sun perfectly fell into the winter garden. Matt liked laying here to read, Melanie knew that. She had spent hours laying with him, enjoying the sun on her face and the book in her hand. She was getting along really well with her future brother-in-law. Something she was eternally grateful for, because the idea of not getting along with the person her brother loved...? Horrible to imagine. Coming here as she pleased, spending time with them both.

Taurus was standing awkwardly between two small palms, ducking beneath them. He wasn't tall, reaching just above Melanie's hips. His fur was a soft mossy-green and had the soft texture of moss too. His horns were massive and curved, a lush, emerald green just like his eyes and the symbol on his forehead – the symbol of Taurus. He ducked his head further, nudging a potted plant.

“Take the leaves between your hands. Close your eyes and focus”, ordered Taurus.

“Focus on... what?”, asked Melanie with a frown, caressing the plant's leaf.

“The plant. The life inside”, suggested Taurus. “Feel it. Like... another presence. Like another person in here. You can talk to it. Control it. Make it grow.”

Melanie frowned, clearly annoyed and frustrated. How could she make something grow? By... imagining it? She had never been a very visual person, she was better with words.

“The thick, green leaf, a soft color because it was still so young, it was strong. Strong enough to grow”, muttered Melanie beneath her breath, imagining it. “It could grow stronger, bigger. It-”

She startled and opened her eyes to stare at the plant. The thick leaf had grown, was now nearly twice its size. Okay. That was interesting. Tilting her head, Melanie tried to influence the plant – and the leaf turned into the direction Melanie wanted it to. Smiling softly, Melanie caressed the leaf. It felt... happy? Why... How could she feel a plant? Oh, this wasn't good. She was already vegetarian, if she could now communicate with plants, what was left to eat...?

“This is amazing, Taurus”, whispered Melanie. “With this and the suit and the additional strength that you can give me... I... I could actually do something. Be... a hero...?”

“Of course. That is precisely what I have been saying since the beginning”, confirmed Taurus.

The two of them talked animatedly with each other, Melanie being lost in all the possibilities of her powers, until suddenly, she had a steak-knife to the throat. Okay, she definitely needed better reflexes if she wanted to be a hero. With wide, frightened eyes did Melanie slowly turn around to face her attacker. Tanya Tarasova stared at her threateningly until recognition set in. Her eyes widened in surprise before the blonde backed off and essentially dropped the knife.

“Ni figa cebe!”, cussed Tanya as she slowly calmed down. [trans, Russian: holy shit]

Melanie just stared at her in surprise. Tanya took a deep breath, just to freeze and stare wide-eyed... at the large, green bull. Oh. Melanie gulped. This was super not going according to plans.

“That... you are a...”, whispered Tanya in disbelief.

She ran her fingers through her sunny-blonde hair, disheveling it a little. It was so perfect and exactly in place, but some strands falling out of the bun also looked really good. Melanie blushed.

“Taurus!”

Melanie jumped. The sudden high-pitched female voice startled her. So did the bright, turquoise light. It was what happened next that nearly made Melanie faint. A dragon. A real-life dragon. Sitting upright, it reached easily up to her waist. And it was utterly adorable. With dots all over, shades of turquoise and two zigzag lines on her forehead. The dragon yelped happily and jumped on top of Taurus, hugging the green bull. Taurus tilted his head, nudging the dragon.

“Aquarius. What a nice surprise”, hummed Taurus gently.

“Wait. Aquarius. Like. The Zodiac?”, blurted Melanie out, eyes large.

She turned to look at Tanya in surprise, though the blonde was just staring at the bull. “Taurus. Wait. That means... you have a Zodiac companion too? Oh, that explains a to. Mike's been complaining that you've been behaving 'weird'. It's because you have a secret.”

“Well, you have a dragon!”, exclaimed Melanie, pointing at Aquarius. “An adorable dragon, but a dragon! H—How...”

“Oh, I like her. She said I'm adorable”, declared Aquarius pleased.

Tanya just shook her head. “Matt and Mike are not going to believe it...”

“We can't tell them!”, exclaimed Melanie. “I can't drag my baby brother into this!”

“I'm sorry, but it's kind of too late. The snarky, blue crab dragged him into it”, chuckled Tanya, eyes twinkling. “Mike and Matt have companions too.”

“...Is that why Mike has been so distracted lately?”, whispered Melanie in realization.

“Yes”, confirmed Tanya, an amused smile on her lips. “This is going to be good. But wait, what are you doing here...? Matt and Mike are visiting Matt's family.”

“I know. I... uh... I have Earth-powers and... wanted to test them, but I don't own any plants”, admitted Melanie a little embarrassed, cheeks heating up.

“You don't own a single plant?”, asked Tanya, laughing softly.

“Oh, shut up”, grumbled Melanie flustered. “What are you doing here?”

“I'm Matt's assistant. I often come here, to drop off documents from work or get stuff he leaves here for me”, replied Tanya with a shrug. “He called me, told me he signed some important stuff before him and Mike left and that it was in the office.”

Melanie nodded and sat down on one of the chairs. Tanya sat down next to her, looking mainly amused. This was a lot to digest. She just hoped she'd have it digested by the time her brother returned home from his weekend trip. And in all the excitement, she didn't even really register that she had just spoken to a beautiful woman without stumbling over her own words...

Read here on AO3!

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[beckettsthoughts]

any/all of the trans journey questions you like but haven't already answered!!!

Thank you so much, anon! I’ve already answered a few, so I’ll go through the other questions I like from the list. There’s only a couple I missed out because they didn’t quite grab my interest in the same way, so here is (almost) everything about my trans journey.

1. How did you choose your name?

Well, I made a list of names I liked on Google docs, spent a few weeks thinking through each option, and somehow landed on the one closest to my birthname. In the meantime I discovered I have a serious affinity for names ending in -t or -tt. All of my options fit that pattern, as does my chosen middle name.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

Social, for sure. I don’t really get much body dysphoria at all, and while my social dysphoria can be body-related, it’s more about how other people perceive my body than the problems I have with it. My body problems are (almost entirely) unrelated to my trans identity.

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

You know how most people think of themselves as men or women, boys or girls, male or female? I don’t. That’s literally it. I don’t, I can’t, think of myself as male or female.

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I actually think I came out “officially” when I asked my mother

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?

I wear a binder on and off throughout the week! I can wear it more often now because my class hours are shorter at university. I wear it most days, now, at least for the bulk of the day, but it depends on what I’m wearing. I’m actually super excited because I have a new binder arriving in the post next week, which will be a nice break from my two-year-old current binder and also means I can alternate between them.

12. Do you pass?

I don’t even know how passing as non-binary would be quantified, so no. Most people assume I’m a butch lesbian, actually, so while they’re not quite on the money at least they don’t peg me as straight?

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

When I first came out as non-binary I used she/they pronouns and identified as a demigirl. I really only used that label because my issues with self-doubt were far more pervasive back then. After a short while I switched entirely to using they/them, changed my name and nickname and identified as agender, which has been about two years of my life now.

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

I’m not super bothered about pronouns, or at least I wasn’t at the beginning, but she/her feel really grating to me and I’ve never felt any particular connection to he/him either. I looked at neo-pronouns and found they didn’t suit me, but I liked they/them from the start and I’m still confident with those pronouns now.

22. Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?

Yeah. To be honest, I don’t know if I would be non-binary if I weren’t autistic. My neurodivergence has such a fundamental impact on my perception of the world, especially when it comes to vague societal concepts such as gender. I don’t know if I’d be aro/ace either. That said, I really can’t imagine being any different, and I’m perfectly happy being non-binary and aro/ace despite how difficult both identities can be sometimes.

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

Not many! I may like to dress in ways that appear “androgynous”, use a “unisex” name and they/them pronouns, but most people who know me don’t actually know that. They can see my androgynous style, yeah, but I don’t make a habit of correcting people or coming out so I haven’t socially transitioned much at all outside of my friendship group. All of my social media is listed under Beckett and specifies they/them pronouns, but unless people ask me about it then it’s not something I really mention. I’m trying to get better and be more confident about it, but having just moved to a whole new place I found coming out to every single person and having to answer questions about it to be way too tiring for me to handle right now.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

Honestly? Pretty much the same. I might have a different haircut, and probably a different hair colour, but I’m happy with my identity and presentation right now and I can’t see myself changing anything in the near future.

I’ll probably legally change my name, though. 

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

While I spend most of my time in an “androgynous”/“unisex” style, I sometimes present myself as feminine. Not often though, because as much as I sometimes enjoy it, the prospect of people assuming I’m a girl and thinking of me as a woman is not one that makes me feel comfortable in the slightest. I hate it because I know that no matter how many days, weeks, or months people see me solely in my androgynous style, the one time they see me dress more feminine they’re going to immediately realign their idea of me to “a girl”. Mostly, I only present feminine around my close friends because I trust them not to change their opinion of me because of it. 

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

I’d describe myself as a “neither”, to be honest.

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am aro/ace, and while I have many complex thoughts on the nature of this identity, I have developed a strong fear of expressing them because of the ever-looming threat of discourse. Sorry, but if you want any nuanced discussion about my aro/ace identity then it will have to be in a private ask or in messenger, I’m not enough of a masochist to discuss it out in the open anymore.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

Being aro/ace as previously mentioned, I don’t really have an ideal romantic partner. My ideal platonic partner however, would probably be trans/non-binary. Which is pretty sweet, because my ideal platonic partner exists, and he is my platonic partner. We’re pretty much soulmates, actually.  

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

Definitely Tumblr, but my friends and various IRL LGBT+ groups have also contributed over the years.

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mentioned my platonic soulmate, right? Also, like, all my other close friends. It’s a solid yes, from me.

[canonicallyanxious]

I sent the same fic title to Lydia but I'm interested in the difference so for the fic title ask: make me smile (but never make me cry)

send me a made-up fic title and i’ll tell you what i would write to go with it

okay so i’m thinking femslash - Dot/Billie from Middlemarch? - with dat classic lesbian pining aesthetic because i only know how to write like two different things and gay pining is one of them and i am NOT ASHAMED OF IT. 5 times Billie made Dot smile, 1 time Dot made Billie smile. Probably from Dot’s POV because as much as I would LOVE TO WRITE EXPLICIT PINING the limited POV would be interesting in this case, i think. 

[i can’t believe this lol but i acually have no chill so i’m putting the rest of this concept under a cut]

Anyway the first time is a casual texting conversation between the two and Billie makes an offhand joke that probably wasn’t intended to be a joke and Dot’s smiling down at her phone screen and Celia’s like ooh did Causabon [how tf do you spell his name?????] finally text you something interesting and Dot laughs and says don’t be silly it’s just a friend and tucks her phone back in her pocket and thinks briefly about how it’s been a week since Causabon texted her something other than “come over?” before moving on to something else

The second time Billie’s asking Dot about filming and the documentary and such and she shows Dot a little bit of the footage she’s already gotten [just test footage, she assures Dot, so nothing Terribly Important that she needs to refrain from watching until the end of the project] and it’s basically just Billie walking around her room/flat/wherever she lives filming like her house plants and the art on her walls and the little parts of her home she thinks are beautiful even the ones some people might not, like the crack in her sink or the way the curtains move when she opens the window behind them, and Billie’s saying, “yeah it’s not much but would stuff like that be okay for the documentary?” and Dot’s nodding and smiling really softly and is like “no this is good, this is great, actually, this is fantastic” just wrapped up in her admiration for the way Billie sees the world because shit, it’s really something special

The third time they run into each other on campus and Billie’s like the picture of surprise and she’s like “wait no way this is such a coincidence i was just on my way to find you” and dot’s like ?????? and Billie pulls a book out of her bag and hands it to Dot and is like “i saw this in the library and it reminded me of you” [because i’m predictable and a sap it’s probably something gay by Virginia Woolf or actually hmmmmm a room of one’s own would work well in this case but anyway] and Dot’s like stunned speechless because has anyone ever actually shown her something that reminded them of her?????? but Billie mistakes her silence for something else and stammers out  “i mean, you don’t have to read it or anything, i just figured, you know, i was already there, so like, why not” and Dot smiles and says “thank you, I really appreciate it” and Billie is like ahhh. okay [probably stunned by the full sunshine force of Dot’s smile] and then leaves lol

The fourth time Billie texts Dot asking if she wants to hang out and Dot’s like “ahhh i wish but i’m actually really sick right now =[” fast forward a few hours later there’s a knock on the door and Celia gets it and Dot’s all huddled up on the couch in blankets like “who is it???” and Celia’s frowning and she says “there’s no one but there is this” and she brings this bag to Dot and it’s homemade soup with a wrinkled post-it note on it that says “to Dot - feel better soon?” with nothing else but Dot thinks she recognizes the handwriting and even in the midst of gross flu-ness she can’t help but smile

The fifth time Billie runs into Dot at Causabon’s flat [i still don’t fucking know how to spell his name] and Billie says something objectively innocuous but kind of grating to Dot at that moment idk but it makes Dot snap at Billie and a second later she’s like “ugh i’m sorry i shouldn’t have said that i just… am not having the best of days” and Billie’s like “do you wanna talk about it?” and Dot’s like “not really” and Billie’s like “okay… do you wanna sit in silence about it?” and that surprises a smile out of Dot and she says “that… would be nice actually” and they sit on the couch and let the silence fill the room and after a while Billie puts her arm around Dot’s shoulder and Dot rests her head on Billie’s shoulder and they just kinda exist for a while [until Causabon walks in and ruins everything probably basically he’s just like “Billie why are you here” and the girls spring apart and Billie’s like yeah i… should go… and Dot has to fight down this instinct to tell her to stay]

The plus one is Dot telling Billie she broke up with Causabon and Billie’s quiet for a little while and is like “does that make you sad?” and Dot almost laughs but she refrains at the last second and is like “no not really” Billie says “how do you feel then?” and Dot says, “like i made the right choice” and Billie says “really?” and Dot says “really” and smiles and Billie, for once, smiles back

[ftr idk how any of this fits in the canon timeline like it probably literally does not at all but like let me live okay]