#arin’s middle name is angst

[cable-salamdr]

No no no because I don’t think you guys understand how tragic it would be for Arin if he makes a deal with Ras to somehow bring his parents back, and it actually works— but Arin had to shatter his goodness in return. Standing opposite that which he has wanted to achieve for years now: his physical and real parents that he’s longed for daily. They’re happy to see their child well, but Arin feels absolutely nothing in return. Only anger and pain at the fact that he messed up so bad that nothing can return back to normal. That his parents can’t look at him and be proud anymore.

[moamidzyism]

the seven stages of you and i (c.sb)

ʚ♡⃛ɞ when you first met soobin, you knew he was going to play a lead role in your life. you were going to make sure of it. you just didn't know what to expect. or: the story of a boy, a girl, and the turbulence that fills the space between them.

☆。.:*·ﾟwc 14444 angst + smut ౨ৎ minors DNI ˚⁺。˚ // repost ୨୧ soobin x fem!reader, best friends to lovers, childhood friends to lovers to ???, first time. featuring beomgyu, taehyun, kai from txt, yuna from itzy, and arin from oh my girl [masterlist • reblogs + feedback appreciated]

playlist

you can vividly remember the first time you ever saw soobin.

it was the summer before third grade started.

it had been an unbearably hot summer and with the school year looming just a month away, you were dreading going back to school and trying so hard to not think about having to meet your new teacher and make new friends.

so to take you mind off the soul crushing pressures of elementary school, you begged your mom to let you go to the park. she refused, claiming she had to work, but the two of you made a compromise and you settled for riding your bike around the cul-de-sac where she could still see you from the dining room table.

you had been riding for thirty minutes, quickly growing tired of the rays of the sun beating down on your skin. you were about to call it a day, but that’s when you saw it.

the gray honda civic driving past you, the sun reflecting on the hood of the car. the woman in the front seat, slowly waking up from her slumber. her husband tapping her shoulder excitedly, looking at his new home in awe.

and him.

the young boy staring out the window with wide eyes as the car pulled into the driveway of the house beside yours.

you darted inside to tell your mom you had new neighbors.

at dinner time, she took you over with some food. “hello, we live right next door.” she introduced herself to the woman that opened the door. “i just thought you guys could use a warm meal with moving and everything.” behind her legs, you could see the little boy peeking at you.

she invited you in and you remember the way their house looked so devoid of life. what was supposed to be the living room was a sea of boxes. your mother sat beside his mother on the old brown leather couch that sat in the back of the room.

you caught soobin’s gaze, watching you taking in the sight of his new home. he looked away when he noticed you looking at him. you moved to sit beside him on the floor.

“i saw you,” he said when he registered your presence beside him.

“what?” you were slightly taken aback.

“outside.” he clarified. “you were on your bike.”

“oh,” you muttered. “my name is y/n.” you reached out to shake his hand. he looked at you, a bit puzzled, yet mirrored the gesture, his grip gentle and feeble.

“i’m soobin.”

“how old are you?”

“i’m almost 10.” he answered, glancing down at his hands.

“why did you move here?”

“my dad got a job.”

“do you want to ride bikes tomorrow?”

“i don’t know how.” soobin looked at you, uncertainty flickering in his eyes, his shy demeanor even more pronounced.

“i can teach you.” you offered.

and the next morning, at 11 sharp, soobin showed up in front of your house ready to learn. after that afternoon, you decided that you liked him and he was going to be your best friend. he didn’t talk much but he always listened to you, with a goofy smile plastered on his face. when he did talk, he answered all your questions thoughtfully. and most importantly, even after he fell down multiple times, he still showed up at your house the next day, waiting to learn.

by the time you got to middle school, everyone knew that you were two peas in a pod. from the day you met, everywhere you went, soobin wasn’t far behind, following you like a lost puppy. you always carpooled together; you always ate lunch together; you were even in all the same clubs.

and so when eighth grade began, you two were separated for the first time in five years and it was so hard for you to adjust to not seeing him every second of every day.

the first morning of the school year, you stopped yourself from asking your mom where soobin was when he wasn’t at your car waiting for you. you wandered through the halls to your regular lunch table a little surprised and mostly disappointed when you didn’t see him sitting with an extra cookie he always got from the lunch lady. after school, you sat awkwardly, alone, on the bench outside of the school building waiting for your mom to pick you up.

when you got home, you didn’t even bother going up to your room. you threw your backpack on the couch and made a beeline for his house. you flopped onto his bed with a sigh as soon as you got to his room, the softness of the mattress cradling you. he didn’t look up from where he sat at his desk doing his homework, but he acknowledged your arrival with a quiet hello. 

“how was your first day of high school?” you asked, emphasizing the last part of your question.

“it was okay.” he scribbled something in his book.

“just okay?” you pressed.

“it was kind of weird.” he turned his chair around and finally looked up at you.

“did you miss me?”

“yeah, a little,” he confessed. a soft warmth bloomed in your chest, and you couldn’t help but smile to yourself.

“i think i might try out for the football team,” he blurted out of nowhere. “or maybe basketball? i don’t know yet.” you bursted out in laughter.

“did i say something funny?”

“you have no athletic bone in your body.” you countered, still chuckling.

“we don’t know that.”

“oh, we do,”

he moved to join you on the bed, books in hand, and you watched him with a fondness that didn’t need words as he made himself comfortable.

“i always tell you not to wear your outside clothes on my bed.” he jokingly admonished.

“do you like your school?”

“i mean, it’s only my first day. but it was okay.”

you paused, both to process what he just said and to figure out how to word what you really wanted to say. “i don’t want you to forget about me or stop hanging out with me or whatever.”

“you’re literally going to the same school next year.” he teased you.

“i know, but still.”

“you’re a hard person to forget about, y/n.”

“you’re just saying that,” you felt the blood rush up to your cheeks, and subsequently rushed to hide your face in his sheets.

“no, i mean, you literally wouldn’t let me forget about you.” he laughed and in response, you threw a pillow at him.

but in the back of your mind, you knew he was right – you couldn’t let him forget about you. and as the days rolled on, you made it a point to go over to his house for hours after school. at least for the first month and a half of the smeester. that was until the demands of school grew and he started having to stay after school for clubs and going over to people’s houses for projects. by the time the holidays rolled around, your moments together were reduced to the seconds you saw him in the mornings when you were both leaving for school. and for the most part, it stayed like that going into the summer.

the summer after eighth grade, you saw soobin a total of three times.

the first time you saw him was on memorial day. your dad, not exactly the biggest fan of your plan to stay home the entire summer, pushed you out of the house to go to his family’s barbecue. you went to soobin’s house with a tray of cookies (because you never go to someone’s house empty handed, your mom told you beforehand). he greeted you with a casual wave before disappearing upstairs to play video games with his friends. you lingered around his house for ten minutes, until you felt completely uncomfortable by yourself, when you slipped away back to your room, cocooning yourself in your bed, tears tracing paths down your cheeks, soaking into your sheets beneath you.

the second time was sometime right after the fourth of july. his dad was taking him on a fishing trip and you just so happened to be getting the mail as they were leaving. you tried to pretend not to see him, eyes fixed on the ground, your heart pounding. and you thought it worked. but later that day, a message lit up your phone screen – soobin confessing that he missed you. you deliberated for two hours before typing out a guarded response: “me too.” two weeks stretched out like an eternity before his next message came.

the third time was actually the day before your first day of high school when he came over to your house under orders from his mother. he stood at your bedroom door, a mixture of apprehension and determination etched across his face.

when you opened the door, all the feelings of abandonment came flooding through your mind – every time you cried thinking about how he was ignoring you, every time your parents had to force you to get out of the house and breathe in fresh air, everything came at once.

“what are you doing here?” you spat at him. your words were a shield, sharp and defensive.

“my mom said i should come check on you.” he responded, his hand absently massaging the back of his neck. you yielded, allowing him to enter the room, but he hesitated, lingering by the door, too afraid to sit down.

“are you nervous about high school?” he ventured.

you met his gaze, scanning his eyes for sincerity. “not really.”

“i’m sorry,” he admitted, his voice heavy with regret. “i’ve been pretty shitty to you this year.”

“yeah, you have been pretty shitty.”

“i meant it when i said i missed you.”

“i know.”

“are we good?”

he didn’t really apologize, you understood that. but sometimes, especially in that moment, it seems easier to forgive him than confront him about how horrible he made you feel. and so you concede, not realizing that you’re setting the precedent for you guys to saunter in and out of each other's lives as you please. “yeah, we are.”

you invite him to sit on the bed with you and he joins you.

“so, what is high school really like?” you ask, trying to clear the air of tension that lingered.

“well, it’s nothing like high school musical,” he began.

and although you were apprehensive about forgiving him so quickly, you couldn’t deny how good this felt. sitting here with him, not thinking about the future or the past. just being here talking about nothing and everything at the same time. if you could, you would have captured this moment and put it in a snow globe to look at everyday.

the next morning, you stood at the threshold of the school building, soobin towering beside you. as you walked into the school together, you couldn’t help but notice the subtle shift in the atmosphere. soobin seemed to be a lot more popular than he led on and he navigated the halls with a confidence that belied his usually reserved nature. students and teachers alike greeted him as you walked through the halls.

“okay, mr. superstar,” you teased.

“well, i am class president.” he tells you shyly.

“why didn’t i know this?” you wondered aloud. he offered you a nonchalant shrug but continued guiding you through the labyrinth of corridors that made up the school. 

as you approached your classroom, the reality of where you were dawned on you. you turned to soobin, seeking reassurance from him. “i’ll see you at lunch?”

“yeah,” he affirmed.

with a final smile, you slipped into the classroom, taking a seat beside a girl who was looking at you with wide eyes.

“you know soobin?” she blurted out when you sat down.

your brows furrowed in confusion. “yeah?” you answered, taken aback.

“how?”

“uh, he’s my friend.” you explained, scanning the room for an empty seat.

a spark of hope lit up her eyes. “can you introduce me to him?”

you hesitated, your discomfort growing with each passing second. “i don’t even know you.”

a wave of awkwardness washed over the both of you. without waiting for a response, you quickly gathered your things, seeking refuge in a different seat on the other side of the classroom. what the hell was that? you thought to yourself as the other students filed into the class.

save for that strange moment in the first period, the rest of your classes went by completely unremarkable until lunch time rolled around. you arrived at the cafeteria fifteen minutes after lunch started. you were trying to navigate the way between hundreds of bodies in the hallway and found yourself in a completely different wing of the school. why does a high school have to be this big? you asked yourself when you collided with a girl.

“are you okay?” you asked her.

“yeah, i’m just trying to find the cafeteria.” her response came with a note of relief.

“me too. i’m y/n.”

“i’m yuna and this school is way too big.” she remarked, a trace of exasperation lacing her words.

“yeah, i got a tour this morning and i’m still confused.”

should we ask someone for help?” yuna suggested.

“yeah,” together you venture into a nearby classroom to ask a teacher for help.

meanwhile, in the cafeteria, soobin took advantage of your little detour to offer a preemptive warning to his friends about how to act around the freshman girl that was going to be eating lunch with them.

“i’m serious, you guys, don’t be weird.”

“when have we ever been weird?” beomgyu asked, but his playful tone is punctuated by a stray fry launched by kai, which found its target on taehyun’s head.

soobin gave beomgyu a knowing look.

“we won’t be weird, okay?” his friend reassured him. “what’s with the girl anyways?”

“she’s my best friend and i don’t want you guys to scare her.”

you finally make it to the cafeteria with yuna by your side. soobin introduced you to his friends, and you briefly remember them from memorial day. as the lunch period dragged on, you sat quietly, observing soobin in his element. you never felt this way before, but watching the way he interacted with his friends made him a little more attractive in your eyes. there was a magnetism in his confidence and you couldn’t help but entertain thoughts that had never crossed your mind before.

and from them, you found yourself yearning for those stolen glances, fingers brushing in passing and shared laughter that lingered just a little longer than usual.

being best friends with someone older than you had its perks, especially when that person was as smart as soobin. you were pretty good at biology freshman year, and chemistry was okay too. but no one warned you that knowing the powerhouse of the cell or all the symbols of the periodic table was enough to equip you for an honors physics class.

even though you stayed up for three nights in a row, you didn’t expect to do so bad on the unit test. it was embarrassingly bad. like bringing the class average down bad. like being handed back a folded test bad. you opened your test packet hesitantly, only to quickly close it again upon seeing the harsh, red “36/100” glaring back at you. the room seemed to close in around you, the disappointment heavy in the air.

after class, you went to meet your teacher. “are you sure there’s no way i could get some extra credit or something?” you asked, your voice carrying a mix of desperation and determination.

“y/n,” he said, his tone firm. “if i give you extra credit, i have to give everyone extra credit,” he advised. “if you want a better grade, i suggest you study harder.”

“fucking asshole,” you mutter under your breath as you left the classroom. the slam of the door echoed down the empty hallway.

yuna, who was waiting for you outside your class, scowled when she saw your demeanor. “what’s wrong?”

“he’s such an asshole.”

“what did he do this time?”

you handed her your test and slung your backpack onto your shoulder in frustration. her face scrunched up when she saw the red ink that scattered the page. she reached out to gently caress your hair in a soothing gesture. “oh, honey…”

“and he wouldn’t let me do extra credit.”

“didn’t your boyfriend take this class last year?” yuna asked, trying to find a solution.

“boyfriend?” you replied. you knew where she was going with this, but you wanted to see if she would actually say it. but you knew she was never one to back down. “soobin?” she asks.

“not my boyfriend.” you remind her in a singsong voice, causing her to roll her eyes.

“well, i’m pretty sure he took this class last year. just ask him to tutor you.”

you hum, pulling out your phone to text him.

to soob: i hate to ask you this but i really need your help

from soob: you know i’m always gonna help you what do you need

to soob: one quiz away from failing physics can my bestest friend in the whole entire world help me

from soob: you know you don’t need to butter me up but i’ll take it

to soob: you know i love you so much right? can you come over tonight?

that evening, you meticulously laid out your physics notes and textbook on the kitchen island. you were stressing a lot, and in an attempt to calm your racing thoughts, you decided to bake. the sounds of the mixer and the clinking of the measuring cups was always something that soothed your anxious thoughts.

as the timer chimed, you pulled the tray of cookies out from the oven. just as you set them on the cooling rack, the doorbell rang, sending a jolt of nervous anticipation back through you.

you open the door to soobin.

“thank you again for doing this,” you said as you welcomed him inside. you guided him to the island. “i made cookies, so please feel free to take some.”

his eyes brightened with surprise. “you made cookies? i didn’t know you could bake.”

“i started in middle school,” you confessed, a hint of vulnerability crept into your voice. “my therapist said it was a good way to process my emotions. i don’t know.”

“you’re in therapy?”

“yeah, since middle school.”

“oh.”

the atmosphere in the kitchen shifted. you both settle into your seats. the tutoring session began, but despite your best efforts, you found it hard to focus. the equations and diagrams that soobin so easily drew out seemed to blur together and your mind drifted elsewhere. the only thing you could concentrate on was soobin’s long, veiny hands as they gracefully navigated the pages of the physics textbook in front of you.

“should we take a break?” his voice pulled you out of your thoughts.

you blinked, realizing that you had been staring at the same problem for a little too long. “i’m sorry. long day.”

“no, don’t apologize,” soobin reassured you. “it’s getting late anyways. we can always try again tomorrow.”

the next few tutoring sessions followed a similar pattern, but today you managed to gather yourself and focus, determined not to get lost in the small smile that graced soobin’s face whenever you correctly answered a question.

“you know what you’re doing?”

“what?”

“you know what you’re doing. just don’t overthink it.” he was referring to the problem set in front of you.

“oh, yeah,” you replied, your hand moving swiftly across the paper. in your mind, even if you got the question wrong, he would patiently explain it to you. this way, you wouldn’t be trapped in your head, thinking about how close he was to you, close enough to pick up hints of his shampoo, or how pretty his eyes looked with the kitchen lights dancing in them, or how soft his hands felt as they brushed against yours when he took the paper from you.

to your surprise, you managed to avoid any embarrassment for the rest of the session.

“when’s your next test?”

“in two weeks, i think,”

“we can meet a couple of nights a week until then,” he suggested.

as time passed, you found it easier to concentrate, the initial nervousness giving away to a growing confidence. you had to admit. soobin was a good tutor and with each passing day, you felt the weight of the test lessen, until the day of the test.

from soob: test day! how are you feeling?

to soob: i think i’m going to throw up

from soob: please don’t you’re going to do great you know i’m always rooting for you!!

you walked into the classroom with your chin held high, determined to “fake it till you make it” your way into a passing grade, but you spent the rest of the week after that a bundle of restlessness and anticipation.

finally, the day you dreaded the most arrived. the door swung open, and your teacher strode in, a stack of papers clutched in his hand. you held your breath, fingers crossed under the desk as he made his way down the rows, inching closer and closer.

“good job,” he smiled at you when he handed you your test.

after class, you practically sprinted to soobin’s locker, eager to share the news.

“check me out! i’m a nerd like you,” you exclaimed, thrusting the test paper towards him.

“har har,” he let out an amused snort, rolling his eyes. “i knew you could do it. maybe next time we can shoot for a 100?”

“i think we should focus on maintaining this 80%,” you chuckled. “i think this calls for a celebration. can you come over tonight?”

that evening, you and soobin set out to tackle the challenge of baking brownies. he was good at a lot of things but admittedly was very useless in the kitchen.

“it’s fine.” you reassured him, “i can teach you.”

“you’re always teaching me things,” he noted, his ears burning as he looked down at the mixing bowl.

“what are you talking about? i’m literally now passing physics because of you.

“not school things,” he explains. “i mean like practical life things. you taught me how to ride a bike; you taught me how to make friends––”

“i taught you how to make friends?”

“yes, you did. being friends with you just made me outgoing, i guess.”

“hmm.”

“anyways, you’re teaching me how to bake, although i think this might be a lost cause,” he quipped, eyeing the ingredients skeptically.

“just crack those eggs,” you instructed.

while you dealt with other things, soobin stood expertly mixing the batter. “can i taste it?” you asked, holding up a spoon.

“wait, this is so good,” you marveled at your own recipe.

soobin’s gaze met yours, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. he edged closer to you. “you have something…” he said softly, swiping your chin with his thumb, then tasting the chocolate batter from his finger.

“oh, uh, th-thanks,” you stammered, turning toward the sink to hide the elated grin that threatened to give you away. inside, you were almost bursting at the seams.

“so, cookies are for nerves, brownies are for celebration?” soobin asked, as you two settled onto the plush couch.

“and cakes are for when i’m sad,” you quipped, fingers deftly flicking the remote to life. “what do you want to watch?”

“i don’t care. whatever you want.”

wrapped in the cocoon of the soft blanket, you both sank into the cushions, the movie’s glow flickering across your faces.

as the credits rolled on the screen, you and soobin sat up, still close, but the proximity was charged with an unspoken confession.

“did you like the movie?” you asked, attempting to dispel the atmosphere.

“we’ve seen it like a million times,”

“yeah, but still.” you press and he just shrugs.

after a pregnant pause, he finally broke the stillness. “i feel like i need to tell you something.”

your heart quickened, a whirlwind of emotions swirling within. “yeah?”

“i, uh,” his voice wavered for a moment. “i like you,” he admitted, his words stumbling out in a rush, eyes fixed on a point somewhere in the middle distance.

“what?”

“i like you,” he repeated, softer and steadier this time. soobin’s heart raced, his pulse thrumming in his ears as he awaited your response. you, on the other hand, were filled with surprise and something else, you couldn’t even decipher. your breath caught. it was like the air had grown heavier, charged with unspoken desires and uncharted territory.

“oh.” you managed to let out. “that’s… oh.”

his gaze flickered back to his hands, usually so steady, that laid, slightly trembling in his lap. “it’s fine if you don’t feel the same. i’ve just been dealing with these feelings for a while and i just needed to tell you.”

“soobin, it’s—”

“you don’t have to say anything; i get it.” he interjected, “just forget about this. i value our friendship a lot more, so i don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

“soobin!” you exclaimed your voice firm and determined. “i like you too, but we… we can’t do this.”

“why not?”

“well, for starters, you’re graduating in the spring.”

“and i’m probably going to school, like what? two hours away?”

“i don’t want you to feel like you’re missing out on your college experience by being with me or whatever.”

“y/n, you’re literally my best friend.”

“precisely why we shouldn’t risk it,” you insisted. “i cherish our friendship, and i don't want to jeopardize it.”

“i promise you there’s absolutely nothing that could ever make us not be friends.”

“i don’t… i don’t know.”

“sleep on it, okay?” he conceded, rising from the couch. “i should probably go home.”

you escorted him to the door, the gravity of the moment still lingering. “see you tomorrow?” he asked, framed in the doorway. the threshold seemed both a physical and emotional boundary, like a bridge between the familiar present and the uncertain future of your relationship.

“yeah.”

he leaned forward, a gentle breath of warmth preceding the tender press of his lips against your cheek. “goodnight, y/n,” he murmured before fading into the night. 

your fingers lightly brushed your cheek, still tingling from where his lips had been. the sensation was still tingling, like a spark of electricity had been left behind. climbing the stairs you couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. you felt like you were floating as you made your way to your room, crashing on your bed, kicking your feet thinking about the fact that he likes you.

the next day, you decided to skip lunch in the cafeteria. “please can you tell me why we’re eating lunch in the library today?” yuna asks, tossing her backpack onto a beanbag in the corner of the library where you settled.

“something happened last night.”

“did you and soobin finally kiss?” she asked, a sly grin creeping onto her face. you look up at her, trying to suppress your smile.

“well, not really.”

“not really? what happened?”

“he told me he liked me.”

yuna let out an excited squeal, earning disapproving glances from the other students.

“and he kissed my cheek.”

“shut up!” she was practically bouncing in her seat, unable to maintain her excitement.

“yeah, you should shut up.” some guy at a nearby table griped, annoyed by the disruption.

she rolled her eyes, returning her attention to you. “anyways, i’m so happy for you.”

“don’t get your hopes up.”

“oh, no.”

“yuna, he’s graduating soon.”

“okay? i don’t see what the problem is. you’ve had a crush on him forever and he was the one who said it first.”

“i just don’t want to do a long distance thing.”

“he lives right beside you.”

“and he’s moving away in seven months.”

“he’s moving to a different town, not a different country.”

“hey, you guys are making a lot of noise,” the library assistant reprimanded, approaching your table. “and you know you’re not allowed to eat in here.” she referred to yuna’s food.

“sorry,” you apologized, your voice meek.

she walked away, leaving you both to your conversation.

“yeah, ‘cause my carrots are going to crumb all over the books,” yuna quipped, but she complied, tucking away her lunch.

“i just don’t want to lose my best friend.”

with a multitude of thoughts swirling around your head, you knew you needed to talk to soobin. after school, you made your way to his house. as you walked to his bedroom, each step was weighed down by the uncertainty and anticipation that filled your heart.

the soft knock on soobin’s door pulled him from his thoughts. he swung the door open to find you standing there.

“hey,” you greeted, your voice above a whisper.

“hey,” he stepped back, allowing you in. his heart raced, a mix of hope and fear coursing through him.

you walked into his room taking in the decor. it hadn’t changed much from middle school. his walls were adorned with a mix of posters. a bookshelf stood against one of the walls, filled with a well-organized collection of novels, textbooks, and mementos. his desk, which sat by the window, was decorated with photos of the two of you from elementary school that you surprisingly hadn’t seen before. looking at them gave you the motivation to have the say everything that you wanted to say.

he gestured to his bed. you settled into your usual spots, the silence stretching, punctuated only by the soft sounds of the clock. soobin couldn’t help but steal glances at you, the room charged with tension.

“so, we should talk about last night.” you took a deep breath. he turned to face you, his gaze steady, waiting for your words. “i’ve been thinking a lot,” you continued. “and i do want to give this, us, a try.”

a smile broke across his face and you couldn’t help but melt. “you have no idea how happy that makes me.”

you mirrored his smile, a sense of contentment settling in your chest. “but,” you added, your expression turning more serious, “you are graduating soon, so we need to be realistic.”

he nodded. “we can face it together, one step at a time.”

you reach out, your fingers finding his. “okay,”

“can i kiss you now?”

“yes,” you giggled.

he cupped your face, slowly closing the space between you. meanwhile, your hands snaked their way to the back of his neck, pulling him down so his soft lips met yours. the world seemed to fade away, leaving only the sensation of his lips against yours.

the first touch was as light as a feather, but as a surge of emotion overcame the initial hesitation, the kiss deepened. time seemed to stand still and the moment stretched into infinity until you heard a cough coming from the door.

you quickly pull away from the kiss, your heart racing. soobin’s eyes held affection, his fingers still lightly grazing your cheek. you looked to the door to see his mom with her hands on her hips, a playful smirk on her face. “i was just checking to see if you were going to stay for dinner, y/n.” she said, her voice carrying a hint of amusement.

looking down at your hands, that sat in soobin’s hands, you responded quietly. “yeah, i’ll just text my parents.”

“okay,” she left the room with a knowing smile

“that was so,” you squealed in embarrassment, burying your face in soobin’s shoulder. his warmth enveloped you like a comforting embrace as his fingers gently traced patterns on your back.

“at least she likes you,” he joked, making you groan. “we should go downstairs,” he suggests, pulling away reluctantly.

as you proceed to stand up, he playfully tugged you back down, his eyes never leaving yours. “wait.” his voice held a soft urgency, his gaze locked onto your lips. “just one more.” he leaned in, the touch of his lips against yours sending a surge of warmth through your veins. his smile melted into the kiss.

“okay, we can go now.”

you followed him downstairs and avoided his mom’s knowing glances throughout dinner.

for the next few months, you spent almost every day with soobin. the two of you were once again attached at the hip, savoring every moment leading up to his impending graduation.

and the dreaded day of the ceremony arrived. soobin, loose tie in hand, entered his parents’ room with a furrowed brow. “mom, where’s dad?”

“he had to stop by the office, but he’ll meet us there,” she responded, finishing up her makeup. as she finished she turned to her son, her eyes sparkling. “oh my god,” she cooed. “you look so handsome.” she pulled him into a hug.

“god, mom, relax.” soobin chuckled, gently extricating himself from her affectionate grip. he smoothed out the wrinkles on his shirt.

“is it a crime for a mother to be proud of her son for graduating?”

“no, but i need help with the tie.” he gave it to her.

she took the tie, fingers deftly weaving it into place around her neck. “is y/n coming with us?”

“no, she’s going with her parents.”

“you know, i’m really glad you have her in your life.” there was a tenderness in her voice, her eyes fixed on her son as she put the tie around his neck, adjusting his collar.

“that’s random.”

“it’s not random. i’m just saying you’re graduating and going to college soon, and i just don’t want you to take her for granted.”

“i won’t. i promise.”

“ok,” she declared, a smile gracing her lips, indicating that she had finished. “good to go, we’re leaving in ten minutes so go finish getting ready.”

you arrive at your school’s auditorium thirty minutes before the ceremony began. you quickly settle beside soobin’s mother.

“i’m so glad you guys could make it,” she greeted warmly.

you scanned the hall, searching for your boyfriend in the sea of cap and gowns. the familiar hum of your phone in your lap brought your attention back to the present. it was a text from soobin, asking you to meet him outside the auditorium.

“is my dad there?” soobin’s voice held a note of urgency when he saw you.

“not yet, but your mom said he’s on his way. are you okay?” your hand rested comfortingly on his shoulder, trying to steady his nerves.

“i’m just nervous about the speech and the fact that he isn’t here yet.”

“well, he’s going to be here. who would miss their only child’s graduation?” you offered a reassuring smile, attempting to lighten the mood. “and the speech is going to go perfectly, okay?”

“you don’t know that.”

“yes, i do! you’ve been practicing all week. you’re going to do great.”

“what if i mess up?”

“if you mess up, just find me in the crowd, okay? i’ll be with both your parents and my parents, and we’ll all be cheering on you.”

“alright, thank you.” he took a deep, steadying breath.

you reached up, planting a tender kiss on his lips. “you’re going to do great,” you affirmed, and with that, he headed through the student entrance into the auditorium.

the ceremony flowed seamlessly. pride swelled in you as you watched soobin take the stage. his dad slid into your row just as he went on stage, and you offered him a thumbs-up, met in kind.

you returned to soobin’s house with your parents for the celebration. the living room was adorned with congratulatory banners and balloons, the most bright and colorful you’d ever seen his house.

for most of the party, you didn’t see much of him as he was passed around by friends and relatives that wanted to congratulate him. but eventually, at some point in the night he finds you and the two of you escape from the party to embrace the quiet of his room. the room was dimly lit, and mostly quiet, save for the chatter and the music softly playing from outside the door.

“god, i really needed this,” he confessed, stretching out on his bed. you nestled beside him, resting your head on his chest. he enveloped you in arms, fingers entwined with yours. “talking to people is exhausting,” he sighed.

“you were amazing today,” you reassured him.

“because i had you there with me.”

“and your dad came.”

“yeah, half an hour late. i can’t believe he went to work today.”

“at least he was there.”

“i don’t even care anymore. i’m just happy you were there and that we’re here together right now. i can’t wait for this summer.”

“i need to tell you something.”

“yeah,” he turned to you, fingers gently playing with yours.

“you know how i’m vice president of culinary club?” he hummed in acknowledgement.

“well, our faculty advisor told me about this culinary school that she thinks i should apply to for college.” you explained. “anyways she thinks i need to get a job or internship or something this summer to make my application stronger.”

“yeah,” his voice took on a more tentative tone.

“well, she connected me with one of her friends who owns a restaurant downtown and he said that i could, like, shadow him for the summer.”

“that’s great but–”

“i know. i don’t think it’s going to stop us from spending time together. we’ll still be able to do everything that we planned on doing. it’s just not going to be everyday.”

“baby, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

“i just feel bad.” your voice softened.

“why?”

“we had so many plans.” you pouted

“and we’ll still be able to do them,” he assured you. “i think it might be good practice for us when i go to school in the fall.”

“yeah, you’re right.”

you leaned up to kiss him, and he kissed you back.

the two of you lingered on his bed, the world beyond the room fading into insignificance. then, a gentle rap on the door pulled you out of your trivial conversations. 

“soobin,” his dad entered the room, voice cutting through the hush. “some of your guests are leaving. go downstairs to say goodbye.”

soobin shot up from the bed. “yeah, i’ll head down now.”

“y/n can i talk to you?” his dad asked. soobin looked back at you before leaving the room.

“yeah, what’s wrong?”

“nothing’s wrong. i just wanted to talk to you about soobin.”

“what about soobin?”

“why don’t you sit down,” he suggested. you complied, perching on your boyfriend's bed. “i wanted to talk about soobin because well he’s going to college in the fall and i just want to make sure that he’s not wasting his experience or losing his focus.”

you weren’t sure how to respond. “i’m don’t know–”

“see y/n, you’re a great girl and you’ve been there for soobin for a long time, but you also distract him.”

“what?”

“i work really hard to make sure that my family can live in this neighborhood and so that my only son can go to a good school. i don’t want to see him waste his life over his high school girlfriend.”

your chest tightened, emotions surging. you wanted to speak up, to yell at him and tell him off for inserting himself into your relationship. you wanted to yell at him for even saying this to you when he couldn’t be bothered to show up for his only son’s high school graduation. you wanted to defend your love and your commitment to soobin. but as the tears welled up in your eyes, the words caught in your throat. all you could manage was a quiet, “okay.”

“i’m glad you understand. i know we both care about him and we both want the best for him.”

he exits the room, leaving you alone with your thoughts and your tears. the last words he spoke echoed in your mind. we both want what’s best for him.

you gathered enough composure and strength, wiping away your tears, and made your way downstairs. you attempted to slip away quietly, but soobin caught you at the door.

“you’re leaving?” the dim light from the porch illuminated his face, casting soft shadows across his features.

“yeah, it’s getting late.”

“are you okay?” he noticed the tremor in your voice.

“yeah, i’m just super tired.”

“oh, okay? what did my dad want to talk to you about?”

“oh, he just asked me to send him the videos and photos i took of you earlier.” the lie tasted bitter on your tongue, but you pushed it out regardless, hoping to shield soobin from the weight of his father’s words.

“are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, taking hold of your hands. “do you want me to walk you home?”

“no, yeah, i’m fine.” you pull him into a hug for what felt like an eternity. if he noticed anything wrong with you after that, he didn’t bring it up. “i’ll see you tomorrow.”

that night, you couldn’t fall asleep. the room seemed to close in around you suffocating in its emptiness. the echoes of the conversation with soobin’s father reverberated in your mind, haunting you.

you grappled with the weight of your fears and insecurities. what if he was right? what if you were holding soobin back? distracting him? the thought had always lingered at the back of your mind since you began dating. and now that he was actually starting at college, that unspoken fear threatened to consume you.

maybe his dad was right. you needed to give him the space that he needed to grow. and it’s not like you had to break up with him. you just needed to keep him at an arm’s length and this summer was a chance for you to learn how to do that with you working. so in the weeks that followed, you found yourself pulling away and creating that distance. the space between you stretched as you took more shifts at work and spent less time with your boyfriend.

“i might move into school a week early,” soobin told you one day when you were hanging out in your room.

you felt your heart sink.

you hadn’t spent that much time together and now you had even less time together. it felt like a cruel twist of fate. still, you masked your disappointment with forced encouragement. “that’s good.” you muttered. “get to know the area better.”

“you think i should go?”

“i mean, if you want to. it seems like a good idea.”

“okay,”

as the day arrived for soobin to leave for school, you felt a void open up within you. the weight of missed moments and unspoken words crushed your soul, suffocating in their intensity. you called out of work but stayed in bed all day, cocooned in the covers, crying about the fact that you couldn’t allow yourself to savor the little time you had with soobin.

when soobin facetimed you later that evening, your heart both leapt and sank at the sight of his face. “hey, let me see your face.”

“i look horrible,” you groaned, but still revealed your face that was covered by your blankets and pillows.

soobin’s brows furrowed when he saw your face with your eyes red and your nose puffy. “have you been crying?”

“no, i’m just sick.” you tried to hide it, to mask the pain, but the cracks in your facade were all too evident.

“please, y/n, don’t lie to me.”

the raw vulnerability in his voice cracked something open within you. “i just miss you and i wish I could have helped you move in.”

“maybe i can come home on the weekend after classes start?” you wanted to revel in the possibility of seeing him again so soon, however the question lingered heavy in the air.

“do you think i’m holding you back from getting the full college experience?”

“where did that come from?”

“what if there’s like… i don’t know, a really cool frat party that weekend? would you miss out on that for me?”

“i think i’d rather see my girlfriend than go to some hypothetical frat party.”

“i’m being serious.”

“do you not want me to come home?” his question hung in the air, like a delicate thread of vulnerability. the room seemed to pulse with unspoken tension. your fingers tightened around the edges of your blanket, grasping for comfort and grounding, as you thought over your answer. every second of the silence felt like a weight on your shoulders.

you sighed. “i do, but–”

“then what’s the problem, y/n?” soobin’s voice, slightly raised, tinged with frustration, cut through the hush. “it seems like ever since the summer started you’ve been pushing me away, and i don’t know if i did something wrong.”

“you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“so what’s up?”

“i just don’t want you to feel like you’re wasting your time focusing on your high school girlfriend when you have so much life ahead of you.”

“you’re not just my high school girlfriend.” his voice softened.

“that’s not what i meant.”

“you’re also my best friend. and i don’t ever feel like i’m wasting my time by being with you.”

you contemplate telling him what his dad said, but you ultimately decide against it.

“what are you thinking?” he asked after you didn't respond for a while.

“i don’t know.” you confessed, your voice barely louder than a whisper.

“i need you to be honest with me because i don’t know what you need or how much more i can reassure you that you’re it for me.”

“maybe we should take a break?” the words slipped out before you could stop them.

“what?” soobin’s eyes widened, disbelief and hurt dancing in their depths.

“just maybe for the semester.” you rushed to explain, “so you can get your footing in school and i can focus on college apps.”

“so, you want to break up?”

“not like a real breakup. we’ll still talk and everything, just with some space.” he looked away, his jaw clenched, like he was processing the idea.

“i can’t believe you’re suggesting this.” his voice cracks as he blinks back the tears welling up in his eyes.

“maybe it’s what we need right now. we’ll still talk.” you promised, mostly trying to convince yourself.

the call ended and the weight of your decision settled on your chest, like a heavy ache that echoed the emptiness you felt inside. in your head, you were making the right choice for both of you, but that didn’t make it any easier. and as hard as you tried to maintain your relationship with soobin, over the next few months, the calls and messages became less frequent. the space between you was growing wider and each interaction held a bittersweet tinge, a mix of familiarity and the painful reminder of what once was.

the next break from school came quicker than you had expected. you sat at your desk, catching up on homework as the late morning sun streamed through the window, casting a warm glow across the room. the creak of your bedroom door announced your dad’s presence.

“how are you doing?” he asked, his voice tinged with concern.

a faint smile danced on your lips as you turned to face him. “i’m not going to kill myself dad,” you joked, trying to lighten the mood. “i’m just doing homework.”

“you’ve been in your room all break. i think i’m allowed to be worried.”

you bristled, the walls rising around you like a fortress. “well you shouldn’t be, okay? i’m fine.”

“okay so you don’t care to know that i saw soobin’s car pull up into the driveway?” he asked. you let out a soft, almost imperceptible sigh, your gaze shifted to the patch of sunlight dancing on the floor.

“are you going to see him?” he gently suggested.

“i don’t know if he wants to see me,” you admitted, your voice a hesitant whisper. the weight of uncertainty settled around you, and your dad’s brow furrowed in empathy. he approached you to comfort you. “i think i messed up,” you confessed, the words tasting bitter on your tongue.

he paused to study your face, and then he spoke, his tone filled with reassurance. “i’m sure whatever you did isn’t that bad. who could ever not want to see you?”

a small smile tugged at the corner of your lips, grateful for his attempt to ease your worries. “you’re just saying that because you’re my dad.”

he reached out, placing a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “you know that’s not true. and you know he wants to see you because he cares for you, and he knows you care for him too.”

“and what if that’s not enough?”

his gaze softened, “then you shouldn’t base your worth on what some guys thinks of you.”

“some guy? i thought you liked soobin.”

“yeah, but i like you more.” he pulled you into a warm embrace, the strength of his love wrapping around you like a shield. as he left the room, a sense of comfort lingered in the air. you sat there, the moment stretching, the decision before you felt like a bridge to cross, but you chose to not let fear dictate your actions.

with a determined exhale, you reached for your phone.

to soob: hey, i saw you just got home. whenever you get a chance, can you come over? i think we need to talk.

later that night, in the quiet stillness of your room, you receive a knock on your door. your heart quickened. you leaped out of bed, ready to face whatever awaited for you on the other side of the door. 

“hey,” you breathed, the door swinging open to reveal soobin.

“hi,”

“please come in,” you invited him in. you held the door open, allowing him to step into your sanctuary. “how have you been?”

“good,” he replied, though there was a subtle hesitance in his tone.

“really?”

he left out a soft chuckle, a nervous habit that betrayed the calm facade he tried to maintain. “well, no, but i thought it was the appropriate thing to say.” his hand moved to rub the back of his neck. “how are you?”

“been better,” you confessed.

he settled onto the edge of your bed, and you joined him.

“so you wanted to talk?”

“i’m sorry,” the words tumbled from your lips.

“for?”

“everything?” the raw honesty of the moment threatened to engulf you. “asking for a break, not talking to you. i messed everything up.”

“you didn’t mess anything up,” he countered.

“but look at where we are,” you murmured, your gaze falling to the floor, unable to bear the weight of the truth in his eyes.

“and where is that?”

“here.” you took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. “i just want us to be good like before,” you said after a long pause.

soobin’s expression softened, “me too. i’ve missed you.”

“like crying and throwing up every night?” you teased.

“eh, something like that,” a hint of a smile played on his lips, the lamplight catching the warmth in his eyes.

“good to know,” you replied, a smile tugging at your own lips.

“i’ve said this before, but you’re really it for me.” 

“is that so?”

“yeah, even though your dad was giving me a stank as i was coming upstairs.”

“he was?”

“yeah, and i thought your parents loved me.”

“they do!”

“that doesn’t sound convincing,” he joked, a genuine laugh filling the room, echoing off the walls.

“they do, they do.” you try to convince him. “they’re just really protective.”

“well, how can i get in their good graces again?”

“maybe by kissing me.” you suggest, teasingly.

“you think kissing their daughter is going to make them not hate me?”

“yeah, i think it might be a start.” you replied, your voice soft, but sure.

“okay.” 

he cups your face, pulling you into a tender kiss. as your lips met his, a surge of warmth spread through you, grounding you in the present moment. your hands found their rightful place on the back of his neck, fingers intertwining with the soft strands of his hair. in that fleeting, stolen breath of moment, the world outside seemed to dissolve, leaving just the two of you suspended in this fragile, but powerful connection.

when you finally pulled away, the room took a breath with you. in that moment, everything felt right again. you were back to your version of normal, and it was perfect.

soobin sat cross legend on your bed waiting for you to bring up some snacks. it was the first weekend of your spring break and he decided to come down to surprise you. while waiting for you, his gaze fell upon a large envelope on your bedside table, its seal embossed with the emblem of the culinary school that you had told him about.

“okay, this is a new recipe that i’ve been working on.” you announce, walking into the room with a plate of cookies in your hand. “i want you to be honest with me. that being said, if you hate it, i’m going to cry.”

“why didn’t you tell me that you got in?” he asked as he inspected the envelope.

“because i’m not going.” you set the plate on your bed.

“why not?” concern was etched into the lines of his face.

“for starters,” your gaze drifted to the windows. “i got more money from other schools. besides, it’s on the other side of the country.”

“so?”

“so, that’s too far.”

“but you knew where it was when you applied,” he pressed. “and it’s your dream school.”

“that doesn’t matter, soobin.”

“well, why not?”

“because, you’re here.” you admitted.

“so, you’re staying for me?”

“you don’t want me to?”

“no,”

“oh,”

“y/n,” he leaned forward, reaching out to touch your hand. “i don’t want you to give up on your dreams because of me.” his thumb was tracing patterns on your hand. “why is it so easy for you to understand when it comes to me but not when it comes to you?”

“i’m not giving up on my dreams,” you argued, your eyes meeting the boy on your bed with determination. “i just want to be with you right now.”

his fingers tightened around yours, trying to grasp the gravity of your decision. “we can still be together.”

“with 2000 miles between us?” you questioned. “we could barely handle a hundred. we’re finally good again. i don’t want to go to school across the country and have that change.”

“nothing’s going to change.”

“you don’t know that.”

“you’re right, i don’t know that.” he began, “but i do know that we literally broke up six months ago, and now i’m sitting on your bed again.”

“it wasn’t a break up; it was a break,” you interjected, a small smile playing on your lips.

“okay,” he dragged out the last syllable. “but my point still stands. we’ve been through a lot and we always end up right beside each other.”

you get your laptop from your desk and log into the admissions portal. “are you going to accept it now?”

“no time like the present.”

five months later, you found yourself getting in a taxi to your dorm with your parents by your side. they insisted on driving you there, but you managed to convince them that a cross country road trip would cause more harm than good to your familial relationship.

as you settled into the backseat of the cab, the familiar scent of your mother’s perfume enveloped you. the engine hummed softly beneath you, and the rhythmic sound of tires on pavement created a comforting backdrop.

your mother’s eyes sparkled with a mixture of excitement and a touch of sadness. she reached over and gently squeezed your hand, her grip warm and reassuring. “are you excited, honey?” she asked.

your father, who sat in the front seat, spent the entire ride bombarding you with questions about pepper spray.

you managed to drown out your parents, looking out the window, watching the cityscape evolve as you approached your dorm. the towering skyscrapers seemed to reach for the sky, casting long shadows over the bustling streets. you felt a knot of nervous energy settle in your stomach.

at your dorm, your parents helped you carry your bags up to your room. the air tingled with the scent of freshly painted walls and the promise of new beginnings. your room was a blank canvas, waiting for you to imprint it with your personality.

as you unpacked, your mother offered suggestions for organizing your belongings, and your father, more practically, made a list of all the necessities you needed to get like extra blankets and a first aid kit.

yuna, whose school went back in session a few days earlier, texted you inviting you to hang out with her and her roommate. you walked your parents back to their hotel, eating takeout from a nearby chinese restaurant in their room.

as the meal came to an end, there was a bittersweet air, as you gathered your things and left their room. you met yuna in a park downtown, sitting with her roommate. you ran towards her, the anticipation and joy bubbling over. she enveloped you in a tight hug. “i’m so glad you’re finally here.”

as you walked through the park, the conversation flowed effortlessly. you felt a sense of peace settle over you. it was like the first taste of the home you were building for yourself in this new, unfamiliar place.

you arrived back at your dorm alone. your room greeted you with a sense of familiarity. your side was a collage of memories and personal touches – framed photos, trinkets from home, and the soft glow of fairy lights casting a warm, golden hue.

you sat on your bed, looking out the window, the skyscrapers now standing in line with you. the city’s pulsed thrummed faintly in the distance. gone were the nerves that accompanied you earlier. in their place, a newfound sense of determination settled within you. you knew you had to do what you needed to make this place your own. it was the beginning of a new chapter, and you were ready to embrace it with open arms.

and luckily for you, this new chapter did not come at the detriment of your relationship at first. for the first two months of the semester, you and soobin were still talking everyday and about everything – your classes, the new recipes you were working on, how one of your professors worked at one of the most famous restaurants in the world, and about your friends, how much yuna’s presence helped you settle in, how your roommate neither leaves the room nor says a word to you.

for the first time in this relationship, you could almost say that everything was fine.

but as time went on, you felt yourselves shifting into your old patterns of not talking to each other. in the back of your mind, you couldn’t shake off the feeling that soobin had lied. it seemed like everything was changing. or maybe he was right. maybe this was how it always was. there were never enough hours in the day for you guys to be together and you were coming to find that had always been a pattern throughout your relationship. it was just like eighth grade, or the summer before he left for college, or his first semester of college. the story was almost exactly the same – first it was missing texts because of conflicting class times and time zones. but then hours became days which became weeks and before you knew it, winter break was knocking on your door.

this was the first time you would see soobin in four months and the only thing that you wanted to do was melt into his arms. the familiar sights of your childhood neighborhood rushed past as your dad drove you home from the airport. every turn brought you closer to that one house on the street, the house that held so many memories, and now, the promise of reconnection.

as the car pulled into your driveway, you couldn’t contain your excitement. leaping out, you dashed inside your house, tossing your bags onto your bedroom floor with reckless abandon.

his mother greeted you at the door. “y/n, honey, you’re back!” she exclaimed, pulling you into a tight embrace.

growing up, you never spent much time outside of soobin’s bedroom in his home. his father’s relentless work schedule and his mother’s hesitancy to host guests left the rest of the house shrouded in a quiet unfamiliarity. as you walked through the hallways, you thought about how cold and gray the house looked the summer they moved in. it wasn’t much different now.

a deep breath steadied you as you approached soobin’s closed door.

some things didn’t change. the butterflies that swarmed around in your stomach were a constant companion that signaled you were exactly where you needed to be. but then you thought about how lonely you were without him this semester and you decided that maybe everything changing was for the best.

“y/n, you’re home?” his face betrayed him showing confusion. he never had the best poker face.

“yeah,” you affirmed softly, pushing open the door. there, before you, sat a girl at his desk.

or not.

“uh, this is my friend from school, arin. she couldn’t get a flight home for winter break, so she’s staying here.” soobin explained.

“oh,” you responded with a mix of emotions swirling beneath the surface.

arin extended her hand to you. “hi, it’s so nice to meet you. you must be soobin’s neighbor.”

“and his girlfriend,” you added, declaring your place in the room.

awkward tension hung in the air, a palpable shift in dynamics. as the evening unfolded, you settled into a corner of the room, watching the two converse. your gaze shifted between them, your mind a whirlwind of emotions. you marveled at the ease with which they fell into conversation, recounting stories, laughing. a truly unsettling sight. a pang of envy tugged at your heart.

as the night wore on, their voices became a distant hum to you. you felt like a silent observer, a piece of scenery, fading into the background. you did not plan on watching your boyfriend giggle at someone else’s stories for three hours. you longed for his attention, but that seemed like an impossible request.

soobin, engrossed in his conversation, was too oblivious to your discomfort. it wasn’t that he didn’t care, but rather he was just caught up.

you watched them with a mixture of longing and resignation, trying to convince yourself that this was just a temporary moment of disconnect and that soobin would turn his attention back to you soon. but with each passing minute, that hope waned.

gathering resolve, you got up. “i think i’m going to head home.” you announced.

soobin and arin turned their attention to you, momentarily pulling away from their conversation. 

“are you sure?” soobin asked you.

you nodded. “yeah, it’s been a long day. i’ll see you later, soobin. it was nice to meet you, arin.” you turned back to your boyfriend, waiting for his response.

“i’ll walk you home,” he offered.

leaving the room, you couldn’t help but steal a glance back at arin, who was now engrossed in something on her phone. the ache in your chest grew.

the two of you stood in front of your house, the chill of the evening air settling around you. the soft glow from the porch light illuminated the path that led to your front door.

“so, she’s staying the entirety of winter break?” you asked.

“yup,” soobin replied, his words punctuated by a casual pop of the ‘p’. “is there something wrong?”

you hesitated for a moment. “no,” you finally shook your head, a small, rueful smile gracing your lips. “i just wanted to spend time with you alone.”

“we can still spend time together,” he assured. “i feel like you two would get along. she’s a lot like you.”

the reassurance didn’t offer the comfort you sought. instead, it settled uneasily in your stomach. you offered a distracted response, your gaze drifting from the quiet street to your front door. 

“yeah, maybe.”

“are you okay?” soobin asked, pulling you back to the present moment.

you forced a smile, masking the swirl of conflicting emotions beneath the surface. “yeah, just tired.”

“okay, goodnight, i’ll see you tomorrow.” he said, leaning down to kiss you. the touch of his lips felt foreign, like a puzzle piece that no longer fit quite right. it was an odd sensation, leaving you with a lingering sense of disconnection. like you were slipping away from each other. you didn’t want to think too much about it, but deep down you knew that no matter how tightly you tried to hold on, it would be no use.

“goodnight,” you whispered, stepping back and slipping into the warmth of your house.

the days that followed were a dance of awkwardness and unspoken tension. you yearned for soobin’s attention, for the familiar touch of his hand, but it just seemed so out of reach.

one chilly afternoon, you all gathered at a small diner on the corner of town. the warm scent of comfort food wrapped around you as you settled into the vinyl booth opposite arin. your boyfriend trailed behind you, hesitating for a moment before sliding into the booth beside you, a subtle shift that did not go unnoticed. it was a tiny pang, but it was there.

you smiled and tried to shake off the unease, focusing on the menu in front of you. as you chatted about school and plans for the break, you couldn’t help but notice soobin’s gaze flickering between the two of you. it was as if he was trying to find balance in a delicate equation.

another time, the three of you planned to visit the ice skating rink. when you arrived at soobin’s house, you were met with the unfamiliar sight of arin in the front seat of the car. you hesitated for a moment, unsure of where to sit. the glance you exchanged with arin held a silent question, but before you could say anything, soobin assured you it wasn’t a big deal.

as the car pulled away, the hum of their conversation and the pulse of the music filled the space, leaving you feeling like a distant observer.

you invited soobin over for a movie night, so imagine your surprise when you opened your front door to see both of them. you smiled dropped as you welcomed them into your house. this was supposed to bring back a flicker of normalcy. you were supposed to nestle into your boyfriend’s side. but even as the movie played, there was a subtle shift in the air. every moment spent with arin was a reminder of the growing distance, like a river slowly widening between you and the person you held closest.

then came that one precious weekend, a rare convergence of circumstances. both of you found your parents out of town at the same time. you invited soobin over and unfortunately, arin was working on a project for school so she couldn’t join. you had to stifle a surge of joy that threatened to bubble over.

“i’m so happy that we’re finally spending time together,” you exclaimed, gently closing your bedroom door behind you. soobin sat on your bed, with your computer resting on his lap. “alone.” you emphasized, a smile playing on your lips.

with purposeful steps, you crossed the room. you carefully lifted the laptop from his lap, placing it on your bedside table. then, with a graceful movement, you straddled his lap, feeling the warmth and familiarity of his presence beneath you.

“i really missed you,” you murmured, your breath mingling with his. leaning in, you captured his lips in a tender kiss.

the room pulsed with newfound energy as the kiss deepened. soobin’s touch was gentle as his hands found their place on the small of your back, holding you close, grounding you in the moment.

as passion ignited between you, a fire that had been smoldering for far too long, you hands moved with purpose, fingers deftly working to remove the barrier that separated you from him.

but then, he pulled away, his breaths coming in measured, uneven intervals. “w-what are you doing?”

“i’m ready,” you replied, your own voice barely above a whisper. the air crackled with tension, every beat of your heart echoing in the silence that followed.

he sat up straighter, his gaze locked with yours. “are you sure?”

“yes, soobin, i’m sure,” you asserted, mustering more confidence. “i want this.”

he took a moment, his breath steadying, before he spoke. “alright,” he said softly.

he gently guided you back onto the bed. “it might be more comfortable if i’m on top,” he suggested. he removed his shirt, casually tossing it to a corner of your room. “please tell me if you want me to stop.”

you nodded in understanding.

“i’m serious, y/n. i need you to tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”

“okay, i will.”

your heart raced as you laid there, your senses heightened. nervous energy tingled through your veins as his hands caressed your sides. his fingers traced the curves of your hips and thighs slowly. every inch of your body lit with flames as he touched you ever so lightly.

slowly, you mirrored his movements, your hands reached for the hem of your t-shirt. with a deep breath, you took off the old t-shirt to match him, laying eagerly in your pretty pink bra.

he stopped to look at you. “wow.” he breathed out. a rush of warmth flooded your cheeks, and you instinctively buried your face in  your hands. he pulled your hands down. “don’t hide your face from me, baby.” he murmured with tender eyes. “you’re just so pretty.”

you pulled him down to kiss him. “i need you,” you moaned into the kiss.

soobin’s mouth never left your body as he fumbled with his pants. he licked and sucked on your neck, taking his time with his gray sweatpants. soft moans and sighs kept slipping from your lips as he marked your skin.

“wait,” he stopped. “do you have a condom?”

“top drawer,” you breathed out.

soobin reached into the drawer by the bed, his fingers deftly finding the box nestled amidst an array of trinkets.

“open up for me.” you did as he said, and spread your legs a little wider. he could tell you were nervous as he pulled down your shorts. “do you trust me?” he asked, to which you nodded. “it might hurt for a second, but i promise you, it will only be a tiny amount of pain.” you wrapped your legs around his waist and he slowly rocked his hips against you.

you felt him position his hips so that they were perfectly in line with yours, his tip edging your entrance. he began to work his way into you inch by inch, before steadily pushing in until you were filled with his entire length. he threw his head back in pleasure as he bottomed out in you. your hands still on the back of his neck, you nudged him closer to you. “i know it hurts, baby. i’m sorry. just tell me what you need.”

the pain and discomfort was quickly replaced with pleasure. you gasped quietly, and soobin took it as a sign to finally begin moving. he fell into a rhythm of deep slow thrusts just sent you spiraling. he leaned his face down to your neck for a moment, pressing kisses along your flesh and nipping at your shoulder.

“f-fuck, you feel so good.”

he raised his face again, your noses inches apart. your face was contorted in pleasure and he couldn’t help but groan, thrusting into your harder.

“soobin?” you moaned out.

“yeah, baby? i’m right here.”

“i love you.”

he leaned back down to kiss you, his lips trailing down your jawline to your neck.

every kiss, every thrust progressively getting faster was sending you over the edge, making you pant and moan underneath him. the sounds coming from you were making his head spin and he could feel himself getting closer to his orgasm.

he was hitting you in the right spot, causing a knot to form in your lower stomach as you approached your breaking point. the knot in your stomach tightened and snapped. your walls spasmed and clenched around him as you released all over his cock. your body was shaking from the intensity, as you cried his name out. fueling his organs. his hips stuttered and he joined you in climax.

his movements ceased to slow rolls of his hips before eventually stopping.

soft pants and deep breaths invaded the space and filled the room around you. you stayed like that for a moment, catching your breath. he then carefully pulled out. he held your body close to his chest, his eyes softening as he looked down at your exhausted face. 

you nuzzled your head into soobin’s neck, kissing along his jawline. “that was so good.” you said between kisses. soobin responded with a contented hum, his fingers gently rubbing against your arm. the soft rustle of the sheets provided a soothing backdrop to the intimacy you had just shared, cocooning you in a bubble of fleeting bliss

but as the minutes passed, a subtle shift began to settle between you, like a distant tremor foreshadowing an impending quake. soobin’s touch, once tender and reassuring, began to falter. his breath, once steady and calming, now held an undertone of uncertainty.

“i should probably go back home,” soobin said, his arm slowly retreating from around your shoulder. “arin is alone.”

“seriously?” you turned to face him, a mixture of confusion and anger plastered on your face.

“what? she’s a guest.”

“you’re leaving?” you hold onto his arm, desperate to keep him close. “i thought you were going to spend the night.”

“i can’t leave her alone.”

“soobin, i just lost my virginity to you…” your voice trailed off, tears forming in your eyes. your hands dropped to your lap. the room seemed to close in around you, suffocating in its silence.

“y/n–” you could feel your blood boiling.

“don’t.” you shifted away from him on the bed. “i just lost my virginity to you and you want to spend the night with some other girl.”

“i’m not spending the night with her.”

“what’s so special about her?”

“what?”

“why have you chosen to spend every moment of this break with her instead of me?”

“we spend time together.”

“yeah, with her always there.”

the room seemed to hold its breath, the weight of your words settling into the air.

“she’s my friend and i care about her.”

“you care about her?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper, every word laced with a pain that cut through the silence.

“yes i do. she couldn’t go home for winter break. I just want to make sure she doesn’t feel alone.”

“well what about me?”

“y/n, come on.”

“i told you i loved you.”

“y/n, i–” you could almost hear your heart break. he couldn’t even say it back to you.

you quickly sobered up, your walls rising like a fortress around you. “i think you should leave.”

“hey,” he reached out to hold you, but you swatted his hand away, the touch too little, too late. his fingers hung in the air for a moment before dropping, defeated.

“no. i don’t want you here anymore. you should go home.”

soobin stood up and got dressed. his movements were deliberate and slow as he gathered his scattered clothes. he dressed in silence, every gesture laden with a sense of finality. as he stood by the door, fully dressed, soobin turned to look at you. his eyes held a mixture of regret and longing, a silent plea for understanding that hung in the space between you. you met his gaze, your heart aching with a complex blend of emotions – love, betrayal, and a yearning for something that now felt impossibly distant.

the door creaked open and closed softly, the sound echoing in the hollow space left behind. 

putting on a robe, you sat by your window, watching him go into his house, praying, hoping that he would turn around, see you sitting by your window, come back to you. but he just walked into his house, the door closing with a finality that sent a shiver down your spine. your room felt emptier than ever before.

you laid in your bed and let the tears fall freely, each drop a painful release. the weight of reality settled on your chest. a heavy ache seeped into your bones.

the days that followed felt like a slow-motion train wreck. it was as if the color had drained from the world, leaving only shades of gray. every passing moment that you didn’t hear from soobin was a jagged piece of glass, cutting into your soul. each night seemed longer than the last, filled with the silent echo of his absence.

you didn’t even know what hurt more — the raw vulnerability of giving him everything, only to have him leave, or the deafening silence that followed. the unanswered questions swirled like a storm in your mind. why hadn’t he reached out? was he feeling the same heartache that clung to your every breath?

his parents even visited for dinner and you had to paint a smile on your face throughout to hide the storm that raged within. when his mom inquired about your absence, you concocted a tale, your voice steady even though your heart felt like it might shatter.

other than your parents, the only person you spoke to was yuna, who became your lifeline even though she was on vacation with her parents. she was a voice of reason and a source of much-needed laughter. “honestly, fuck him. and fuck her too,” she declared.

“she didn’t even do anything,” you murmured in arin’s defense.

“who the fuck sits in the front seat of someone else’s boyfriend’s car?” yuna fired back, making you chuckle.

"i wish you were here. it's so miserable. i can't even leave my house because i'm scared i'm going to see him," you confessed, your voice a whisper edged with pain.

"if i was there, he'd probably have to file a restraining order against me."

returning to campus was like stepping onto a battlefield, but yuna was determined to wage war against the memories that threatened to engulf you and make you forget about a certain dark haired boy whose name you were no longer allowed to say. “you know what they say: in order to get over someone, you need to get under someone else.” she proclaimed from your closet, picking out something for you to wear tonight.

“i don’t know if i’m ready to get under someone else,” you admitted, fixing your mascara in your bathroom mirror, dressed in your robe.

“doesn’t matter if you actually do. you just need to get your mind off of him.” she hands you a black dress. “wear this. it always looks good on you.”

and so, you allowed yourself to be swept up in a night of bar hopping. the pulsing music and laughter washed over you like a healing balm. for a few precious hours, you were just another college student, drowning your sorrows in neon lights and thumping bass.

between the nights out, you threw yourself completely into your studies, the pursuit of a summer internship becoming your north star. you came to school to do something, and you weren’t going to let your heartache consume you.

spring was always a happy time for you. the air was warm, carrying with it the promise of renewal. it had been months since you had thought about soobin, and even longer since you had seen him. for the first time since that unfortunate night, you felt like you were completely over him. or at least getting there.

as you strolled back to your dorm from class, the world hummed with a quiet energy. the sun hung low in the sky and the air was soft and warm against your skin. but then you saw a familiar silhouette leaning against your dorm building. time seemed to stretch in that moment, the world around you fading into a blur. your heart quickened its pace, a staccato beat echoing in your chest.

"y/n," he breathed, his voice a soft plea that hung in the air. his presence was a sudden gust of wind, stirring the carefully constructed walls around your heart.

your guard was up, a fortress of steel around your heart. you wouldn't let him waltz back into your life just to tear you apart again. "what are you doing here?" you demanded, your voice steady despite the turmoil within.

"i wanted to talk to you."

"how did you find my address?"

"your mom gave it to my mom, who gave it to me."

you let him into your building, signing him in with the security guards in the front. the familiar surroundings now felt foreign with him there. in the confines of your dorm room, he looked around, his gaze grazing over the familiar details that now seemed foreign.

“you said you wanted to talk. so talk.” you said to him sitting down. you were so grateful that your roommate had gone to class. you really didn’t need her to be in the room with you now.

he glanced around, his face marked with uncertainty. “i don’t know where to start.”

you met his gaze without a word.

“i guess… i could start with sorry.” he offered with a nervous chuckle.

“i think that’s too little, too late, soobin.” you asserted, matter of factly.

“i miss you.”

“you can’t keep saying that.” your shoulders sunk. looking at him now, you could feel all the emotions bubbling back up — the anger, the hurt, the tears, they were all coming back to you.

“i know, but it’s true.” he rushed to add. “that’s why i came here. i wanted to see you. i know we didn’t leave things the right way.”

“soobin, you were the first person i ever had sex with and you left me right after.” you tried to keep your cool and maintain your composure, but it was getting increasingly harder.

“i-i know. i’m sorry,” he stammered, remorse filling his eyes.

“is that all you came here to say? sorry?” he looked at you apologetically, offering no further words. “you hurt me so much and you couldn’t even say anything to me afterwards. i waited every day for months to see if you would ever call me and you didn’t. it was like i meant nothing to you. it was just so easy for you to forget that i existed.” as the words flowed, you felt a strange mixture of relief and sadness wash over you. the wounds were still fresh, but there was a catharsis in finally addressing the unspoken.

“i’m s—” he stopped himself. “i know i hurt you. i don’t know what i can do to make it right.”

“i don’t think there’s anything you can do to make it right.” you said, wiping the slow tears from your face. you sat up, meeting his gaze squarely. “i spent our entire relationship fighting for you to pay attention to me. i can’t do that anymore. i don’t want to beg someone to care about me.”

“i care about you. you know that.”

“do i?”

“i didn’t think this conversation would go like this if i’m being completely honest.”

“i’m not angry at you anymore. at least i’m trying not to be.” you tell him. “and i don’t hate you, if you thought i did. i don’t think i could ever hate you.”

“i don’t think i can’t not have you in my life.”

“i’m still your neighbor.” you joked.

“it’s not the same.” he admitted quietly, sitting beside you. “y/n, i love you.”

“soobin–” you turned to face him, searching his eyes for any sign that he understood the depth of your pain.

“i know, it’s too late. i just wanted you to know.” his gaze fixed on his hands, fingers tracing invisible patterns on his jeans. “i can’t erase the past. but i want to try to make amends, to find a way back to some semblance of… of friendship, maybe.”

friendship. the word hung in the air, a fragile bridge between your shared history and the uncertain future.

“i don’t know if we can be friends. not right now, at least. maybe not ever.”

he looked up, pain etched in the frown lines across his face. “i understand,” he murmured, voice heavy with regret.

silence enveloped, broken only by the distant sounds of life outside. after what felt like an eternity, you finally spoke, your voice softer now. “i think i need time. to you know, figure out my shit.”

he nodded. “i want you to know that i’m sorry. truly.”

“i know.”

with a heavy heart, you walked him to the door. as he left, you closed the door behind him, leaning against it for support. alone in the quiet of your dorm, you let the tears come. finally you had a release of all the emotions long held in check. you had tried your hardest to bury them, but now it was time for them to finally come out. the pain was still there, but with each tear that fell, you felt a small measure of healing begin.

in the days that followed, you took each moment as it came, allowing yourself to grieve for what was lost and to slowly rediscover the strength within you. spring continued to dance outside, and you vowed to find your own renewal.

taglist: @boba-beom @dearlyjun @atinyniki @makoto @bunnie-hq @wiisoob @isabellah29 @pluviophile-xxx

fill out this form to join my taglist! author's note :: finally edited!! classic quintessential fay angst!! we're so back!! I wrote this story over the course of two months. it is the longest thing I have written so far and I am super proud of it. please lmk if I missed any warnings or have any typos. I really hope you enjoyed it

[psychologicalwarclaire]

Greetings! I'm a writer and occasional artist

Fanfics

The name is CurlySwirly on Ao3 and I love interacting with people :)

Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fics

Spider's Web With Strings Attached - Multi chapter. Big Mama kidnaps the disaster twins and forces them to fight in her Battle Nexus. Horrific pain, angst, injury, and possible death abounds. (In progress)

art for this fic (not mine): Nexus Outfits, Donnie's Perspective, Enter Tyrian and Astros, Tyrian and Astros, "Who's the Entertainment Now?", Voided Colors, You Are Alone, Alpha and Omega, Broken Down, SWSA Doodles

PB&J Painting - Oneshot. Something is up with Mikey. Donnie may not be the best with emotions, but he's determined to help his baby brother, even if he has to get in a few leaf fights to do it.

Brothers for Christmas - Oneshot. Short and sweet Christmas story about April realizing that her new friends are here to stay.

Ninjago fics

Rising and Falling - Oneshot. Sora and Lloyd deal with the emotional aftermath of Arin turning to the dark side.

Parenting Goes Bump in the Night - Oneshot. Sora talks about her parents with Lloyd in the middle of the night.

[waystarflopco]

The Midnight Lie Thoughts (Spoilers)

Marie Rutkoski’s writing is so beautiful!! I’ve missed it!!  

Really really liked the romance! Though the book has grown on me in hindsight, I found the infatuation in the Winner’s Curse a little too sudden but here in TML it made much more sense. Sid and Nirrim interacted quite a bit before the longing thoughts started. Not only does Sid completely upend Nirrim’s world by questioning the society she lives in but Nirrim also has to process her sexuality. Also the romance involved the finding comfort in a person’s garment when you’re separated from them trope so that’s an instant win. 10/10 pining and angst.

  I had this moment where I thought that Sid was Kestrel and Arin’s kid in the middle of the book but then was like huh maybe I misread but NOPE I WAS RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

It’s been a long time since I’ve read TWT so I forgot a lot of details but I’m pretty sure that the pantheon from the TML island im so bad at remembering location names is related to/the same the pantheon that is from Herran. If I remember correctly Arin had an affinity for the god of death??  

It’s strange because I don’t necessarily view the entire world as “connected” but I feel like the setting of these books have a great sense of time and place. I love how the details around of sketchy magical island land were slowly revealed and everything just got weirder and weirder THEN IT’S LIKE BAM THE RICH ARE EATING THE POOR 

Though I’m hoping that the opposite will happen eventually 

AND THE EPILOGUE?? Nirrim is some unfeeling god that wants to rule over everyone???? And might be the antagonist???? And Sid might have to save the world through the power of love??? 

Speaking of Sid I found it interesting that she is very unhappy with how Kestrel and Arin re-established the monarchy! Pretty sure we are going to see them in the next book so I am wondering how they are going to be portrayed. Sid obviously has a strained relationship with them so I am expecting a more unflattering view of them 

Also Nirrim and Raven’s relationship??? The story going into an abusive parental relationship involving gas-lighting and still wanting your abuser’s approval??? FASCINATING and so so satisfying watching Nirrim walk away. Tangent: Morah was barely in the story but I loved her and loved her relationship with Nirrim   

[kinkingbird-blog]

“Old Wounds Heal Slowly” Polybomb

NAME: “Old Wounds Heal Slowly”

FANDOM: Shipgrumps

CHAPTER: Part 6 of a Series (Expand My Heart)

PAIRINGS: Egobang, background polybomb and egoflaptor

SUMMARY: A filled commission for @lygerzero14​ . After six months together, Arin's relationship with Danny and Brian seems to be reaching new heights. As Arin watches Danny's relationship with Brian deepening, however, he realizes that his interactions with Danny are staying on the surface. Is it possible that Danny can only love one man - and that he's simply too afraid to tell Arin? Old paranoia rises to the surface - but Arin's pretty damn sure he can handle it alone this time, even though it's never worked before.

RATING: E.

WARNINGS: Miscommunication, paranoia, angst with a happy ending

WORD COUNT: 14,121

AO3 Cross Post: [x]

Commissions are open!!

Buy Me A Coffee, if you’d like~

It was absolutely incredible how six months could fly by in a blink. As Arin settled into his chair in the office, he leaned back, embracing the last few precious moments of procrastination before everyone else arrived – and allowing his mind to wander to the two men he was most eager to see.

As much as he loved them both, Danny floated in front of his mind’s eye first, smiling and laughing and vivaciously beautiful, and Arin let his lids fall shut with a smile. Six months. After the amount of time he’d spent waiting on him, it felt like no time at all – yet here they were. Next weekend would be their sixth month together in a relationship, and he couldn’t wait to celebrate.

It would have to be a surprise, of course, and nothing too fancy; Danny would balk and run at anything that didn’t let him wear jeans or that stupid leotard. Dinner would do well...then maybe a movie they could riff over while pretending they weren’t eager as hell to make out instead. He could see it now: Danny would keep checking Arin out, and five minutes later Arin’s impatience would explode as he crawled in his boyfriend’s lap.

He could imagine Brian laughing at them both now – or not. Maybe that was real.

Arin peeked through one eye, and when he caught a glimpse of graying hair and a head full of curls he grinned, leaning forward to see them both. Just before they could pass by the doorway Danny grabbed Brian and pushed him up against the wall, then kissed him – quite bravely, Arin thought, given how long it took him to figure out he wanted either of them in the first place. But something was different about this one. After that searing kiss, Danny pulled back half an inch – and lightly bussed his nose over Brian’s. A nuzzle, like Arin might give Suzy.

Sappy. Romantic. Sweet.

Not for the first time, uncertainty spread through Arin’s belly.

Without even a glance in his direction, Danny took his ringing phone out of his pocket and answered it as he hurried away, and Arin watched him go. Eventually his eyes wandered to Brian. Brian leaned there a few seconds more, a blissful smile on his lips, and let out a deep sigh before he looked at Arin. As soon as their eyes locked he came to him, going around Arin’s desk so he could bury his fingers in his hair. Tingles shot down Arin’s spine. Brian guided him in for a lush, warm kiss – his tongue sliding straight into his mouth as he let out a low moan – and, more than anything, Arin wished that it was enough to chase away his feelings of insecurity.

Brian loved him. He knew that for sure. Brian touched and cuddled and made love to him with dizzying intent, and Arin felt his regard down deep in his marrow.

Danny, though…

“Sure we can’t take the day off, boss?” Brian drawled as he pressed kiss after kiss to Arin’s lips. “Just you...me...Danny...a bed...hell, let’s take the rest of the office, huh? Make it an office bonding orgy.”

“You’re fucking ridiculous.” Still, it did the job: Arin laughed. He squeezed Brian’s hand once before shoving at his chest. “Go, go on, the faster we get this done, the sooner you get to suck my dick.”

Brian simpered at him as he backed away. “Well, with promises like those, who even needs to pack a lunch?” He disappeared before Arin could throw a retort, leaving him blissful as he sank down into his chair.

Blissful...for all of five minutes. And then it was time to think again.

After the disaster that happened while Arin and Suzy were away on their anniversary trip – and how Danny had almost irreparably damaged his relationship with Brian – the two of them rebuilt immediately. No signs of weakness remained. Just two boyfriends drowning in each other. No one could look at them and doubt their love.

Yet Danny, it seemed, wanted to keep Arin at arm’s length even still. He couldn’t figure it out. What was it that made Arin’s relationship with Danny so different from Danny’s relationship with Brian? Was that what it took to get close to Danny – a disaster?

Arin tried to work through logic every time that he faced a problem, but moments like this brought him to a screeching halt. He’d think and think and think and find himself in a circle that he couldn’t get out of. People helped – Suzy, Brian, and oddly even Ross – but alone?

All he could think of now was how Danny had always been a one woman kind of man.

In every story Danny had ever told him, no matter how many girlfriends or lovers or one night stands he’d had, he’d never been a cheater, and he swore he never would. When he was with a girl, no matter if their relationship was for an hour or a year, he was loyal to her. Was that something ingrained in him? Monogamy? Arin fell in love with someone new every hour, but maybe he was the exception to humanity’s rule. Maybe the majority of people could only fall for one person at a time.

And maybe Danny hadn’t realized that yet. Maybe he didn’t know that the only person he was really able to be in love with was Brian.

Stop. Arin raked a hand through his hair with a huff. You’re a fucking idiot, Jesus Christ, will you listen to yourself? This is Danny you’re talking about.

Danny was sweet. He didn’t intentionally hurt people. He tried his hardest in everything he did. He wouldn’t just be waiting for the opportunity to break Arin’s heart.

He was trying. And Arin had to believe that. A relationship was built on trust, and he knew that more than anybody.

He stood up and snagged an agenda from his printer, going into the hallway. He’d lead everyone through what major tasks they had to get done before the end of the week. He’d do his job. And later he’d pull Danny aside and find a way to remind himself that their relationship was as strong as ever.

~~

Danny sighed as he flopped onto the couch beside Arin, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Okay. How many videos are we recording today?”

“Like a million.” Arin tossed a controller at Danny’s stomach and laughed when he jumped. “Hope you drank your energy drink.”

“Gross.” He dropped his hand from his eyes and caught Arin’s gaze, then smiled. The microphones were constantly recording, yes, and they were more than a little careful about what they said in the studio for that very reason. They could never guarantee the editors wouldn’t make a mistake and leave something crucial in the recording and accidentally out their relationship. Cameras, though? Never on. They could get away with staring at each other as much as they wanted. “You’re gonna be a tyrant, aren’t you?” A bright grin spread across Danny’s face as he flicked his eyes up and down Arin’s body. “Probably won’t even let me have a bathroom break.”

“You’ve gotta earn it.” Arin sat next to him and drank in how Danny didn’t look away. He recognized it immediately – the spark of interest in Danny’s eyes – and he thrived on it, tucking it away in his gut, where he felt an answering flame rise to meet it. Even with the lies his subconscious whispered to him about the depth of their relationship, Arin could never doubt that Danny wanted him. He only had to take one look at him to see it. Feel it.

Work came first. Regardless of how suddenly Arin wanted to bury himself in Danny’s arms and chase away all the fears he had, he knew there were way too many videos to record before their con appearance in a couple of weeks. But we can spare a kiss. Those were quiet. And no one was there to accidentally film it.

Arin reached over, cupping Danny’s cheek, and leaned in-

And Danny pushed him away with two hands on his chest and a bubbly laugh. “Gross, dude!”

Pain ripped through Arin’s chest. He furrowed his brow and sat back again, opening and closing his mouth before he remembered there wasn’t a thing he could safely say. But he couldn’t remember the last time Danny had rejected him so...succinctly. Why was it that easy for him?

Did he really not care?

Danny was already off, talking about the game they were going to play, and when he looked at Arin he frowned in the middle of his monologue, looking at him with clear confusion. Did he not realize, then? What he’d done?

Why was that so difficult for Arin to believe?

Arin picked up his controller, took a deep breath, dug down for every aspect of the improvisation classes they’d taken, and seized hold of his best acting chops. “Welcome back!” he said as cheerfully as he could, pushing forward.

And Danny, instead of questioning it, only laughed and looked back at the screen without a care in the world.

Filming went easily enough. No technological mishaps. No true rage. They had a solid chunk of editable content by the time they finally threw down their controllers – but Arin was exhausted. He’d put on a brave face for hours straight without even taking a break. Fuck anybody who says this job is easy. He sat back and closed his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. Let’s see them do comedy for five hours in a row.

“You think we’re good?” Danny asked as he stood up. “Can I go grab a late lunch?”

No, Arin wanted to say, because we still haven’t talked about what we wanna do for our monthaversary, and I think you’re trying to put some distance between us and it freaks me out, and if I end up going to lunch alone I know all I’m gonna do is sit there and brood for a fucking hour.

But he didn’t say that. He opened his eyes and studied the inch of bare skin beneath Danny’s shirt hem as he stood on his tiptoes, arms reaching toward the ceiling, and tried, against all odds, to be better than that.

“Are you busy next weekend?” He skimmed his eyes slowly up Danny’s frame until he found his face, waiting for some recognition to come through. Nothing.

“Maybe? I dunno. Guess I’ve gotta look.”

Did he really have no idea? Was he clueless? “Maybe you should,” Arin prompted. “Maybe you’ve got something to celebrate.”

Danny laughed as he headed toward the door. “Right, we know how much of a party guy I am now. Makes perfect sense.”

Arin stiffened. “Just, y’know, keep it open if you see you don’t have any plans, okay?”

“My weekends are pretty full, though, most of the time!” Danny sounded as cheerful as ever. Oblivious.

For some reason it pissed Arin off far more than it should. He stood up and shoved past Danny to get to the door first. “Well, have a great time, then,” he muttered as he let the door shut behind him.

If he calls my name, I’ll stop, and I’ll tell him why I’m mad, he promised himself, jaw tight. But the studio door didn’t open behind him, and so Arin walked on and tried his best to leave his anger in it.

~~

The rest of the day, anxiety plagued him. He struggled through a meeting. He barely focused as he went through his fanmail and gifts. Time slowed until he thought he was going to explode. The second the clock ticked over to closing time, he was the first one out of the office – a Grumps first. He couldn’t handle it anymore. All day he hadn’t heard from Danny or seen him, and it only confirmed his fears.

He needed someone else to listen. Someone who could help him figure his shit out. Suzy, bless her, was always going to take Arin’s side for as long as they both lived, and she was out for dinner with a friend that night anyway – and that meant he was left to choose the most intelligent person he knew.

Probably not wise, necessarily, to do anything that made it look like he was pitting one boyfriend against the other, but Arin was at the end of his rope. He sent off a text to Brian at a stoplight, asking him to come over as soon as possible. The sooner he dealt with it, the better.

He didn’t anticipate the waiting being quite so bad. He’d missed traffic fortuitously, but within five minutes of sitting listlessly on his own couch and staring into space he realized that Brian would’ve hit it no matter what. He should’ve done something to distract himself. He should’ve pulled up a game or opened a sketchbook or put on an anime he’d been neglecting – but he couldn’t. He was lost in his own misgivings, and he couldn’t find his way out.

With how things started with Danny in the first place, Arin always believed he’d be able to handle it if Danny had to be a little more hands off than Brian did. Brian was a romantic, through and through, even if he was a kinky little shit, and he never made Arin feel like he wasn’t wanted. They’d figured things out one day at a time, and because of the care they’d taken – the care Brian forced them to take, especially – each day together their relationship had only deepened. It was amazing. It was like falling in love with Suzy all over again – and yet not. Something entirely different that he was still getting used to.

Danny, though, he’d been scared, hadn’t he? Everything had almost blown up among all three of them more than once. He and Brian had to outright seduce him into their lives, when everything was said and done – using sex as a tool to help Danny relax through his panic – and from then on, Arin told himself not to be too disappointed if sex was all he could give them.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if Danny was only giving Brian sex too. But he wasn’t. They were head over heels for each other, and Arin was stuck watching it from the sidelines.

He jolted when he heard someone try the door before they even knocked, and he stood, feeling numb as a ghost as he glided toward it. The second he saw Brian’s concerned face, he threw his arms around him, and his boyfriend hummed as he pushed his hand through Arin’s hair. “Hey, hey, I’m here.”

“I know you are.” Arin had been trying to build up to a joke, maybe, or teasing, but the words came out so mournfully that all he could do was sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Brian kissed his temple, and Arin let his eyes fall shut. “It’s not an emergency, is it?”

“No, I just...” Arin shook his head and huffed out an unconvincing laugh. “Fuck, dude, do you ever do that thing where you get stuck in your own head and can’t get out?”

“Sometimes.” For once, Brian didn’t quip. Arin was thankful for it. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Did he? He’d rather keep it all inside and let it fix itself, but that had never worked out well in the past. Memories of choking himself on his own paranoia as a teenager flooded him. He finally nodded and backed up, taking Brian’s hand and leading him inside. “You want something to drink or whatever?”

“I want to know what’s wrong, and to hold you, and to help.”

Arin shut the door a little too hard and leaned against it. Why did Brian make it so easy to love him, and why did Danny make it so scary? He stood there for a long few seconds, feeling himself shake, then pushed away and walked past Brian to the living room, hearing him follow behind.

He made Brian sit first, then took the other couch without comment – he wanted to be able to see him to talk this through, to get through his frustration without getting caught up in the idle comfort of Brian holding him close. It was dangerous, letting himself give in to the lull of physical touch. He could almost use it to pretend that nothing was wrong in the first place. It would work until that night, when Arin was in bed and struggling to fall asleep and feeling the walls close in around him, tighter and tighter until he couldn’t breathe.

No, this way was better – and he’d see it through.

“It’s about Danny,” he said by way of opening, and he couldn’t miss the way that Brian sat up just that little bit taller. “We didn’t, like, have a fight or anything, don’t worry – at least, I don’t think we did.” Had they? Had Arin done something wrong that Danny was punishing him for in some small way? No matter how much he tried to remember, nothing came to mind, and he threw that concept out the window. “It’s about how...how you two get along.”

Brian wrinkled his brow, but he kept his mouth shut. Small favors. Brian was better at listening than Arin and Danny combined.

Arin knew he could hem and haw about his thoughts for a good hour, if he let himself, but the fear on the back of his tongue didn’t give him that option. Not today. So out it came. “He treats you sweeter than he treats me. Have you noticed that?”

Brian’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Like, romantically! He treats you like you’re a fucking king!” The words burst out unexpectedly as he leaned into the couch and covered his eyes. “I don’t mean, like, when we’re all three in bed or whatever – he treats us about the same there, doesn’t he, how he just lets himself fucking go and fucks the shit out of us – but outside of it, you get the special treatment. You get the kisses and the handholding and the dates, and-”

“Arin, I don’t understand. Slow down. What are you talking about?”

“I don’t think he loves me!”

Silence. The panic spread down his throat, thick and acidic, and he shuddered, dropping his hands and staring at the ceiling.

“He doesn’t treat me like he loves me, Brian,” Arin finally said slowly. “He treats me like he wants to fuck me, and that’s it. He holds me back. He acts like we’re just friends, unless all three of us are together. But he doesn’t do that to you.” The memory from earlier that day – how easily Danny had nuzzled Brian – stung. “I thought...I could handle it. I’ve got the most incredible wife anyone could ever imagine. I’ve got an awesome relationship with you. All that says I should be pretty okay with my other boyfriend being just a fuck buddy or whatever, but goddammit, Brian, I love him too much to settle for that.”

“Arin.” Brian sat forward, reaching for his hand, and after a long moment of hesitation he let him have it. “Listen to me. I understand that...that something has you upset right now. But can you listen to me for just a few minutes? Can we work through this together?”

The sweetness Arin was privileged enough to hear on this man’s tone – Brian, who had more fun making people squirm than anything – was rare enough that he knew he should relax. He didn’t. But he did press his lips shut and hope that would be enough to keep his fears at bay for just a little while.

Brian squeezed his hand and took a deep breath, staring at the floor between them, and Arin let himself take a long look at him and marvel at how his mind worked. He really did want to help, didn’t he? A man like this who for years refused to believe that he was attracted to Danny just because he knew he couldn’t have him – who, for all intents and purposes, could have a relationship only with him instead, rather than Arin who was sitting here and dragging him into his own drama. Arin had a wife. Arin didn’t need another partner, and he knew that he was being fucking difficult as shit right now...but Brian hung in there. Brian loved him. And that was remarkable and more than Arin had ever deserved.

“I’ve known Danny for a very long time,” Brian began slowly. “Much longer than you. We’ve been partners in business since far before you and him started to work together. We’ve already been through a lot of the muck of fighting and friendship and drama. We’ve screamed at each other like we were kids in high school before. Do you know what I’m saying?”

“You know each other better.” Arin tried not to sulk.

“I don’t mean it like that.” Brian leaned forward and kissed the back of Arin’s hand, and that soft contact alone made him sigh out another ounce of tension. “Because we’ve got that solid foundation...maybe it was easier for Danny to transition our relationship. That’s not bad. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means that Danny probably doesn’t really know how to compartmentalize the man he is when he’s recording with you, and the man he is when the cameras are off.”

Arin didn’t like the sounds of that. Brian and Danny, it was true, they’d known each other for years before Arin came along. He knew surely that Brian wasn’t suggesting that Danny needed that exact amount of time before he could start acting like a boyfriend to Arin, but…

...goddamn, it was tempting to think of it like that. Tempting to be terrified out of his mind and let the fear rule him. Tempting to let it drive him to confront Danny and talk all this out once and for all.

“Is that really what’s going on?” Brian murmured. He sat on the edge of the couch, and even without looking at him Arin could feel the concern rolling off his body. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

His head felt too heavy for his body. He hung it low, staring at his own feet, his hand going limp in Brian’s grip. “...I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Like...like someone might be better for Danny than me.” He snorted. “Like, obviously I know you are, in a way – that’s what polyamory is all about, right? Knowing that somebody can’t be someone’s everything – but I used to have some confidence that I gave Danny something you don’t. Like I was still irreplaceable somehow. And I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like he’s figuring that out. Like he knows he doesn’t love me.”

“He loves you.” The firmness in Brian’s tone made Arin jerk his gaze to his face. “Listen to me, Arin, he adores you. He thinks you hung the moon. He’s been passionate about you since he even knew what it meant. But he shoved you in a very specific hole in his mind – his best friend – and that’s gonna take time to come out of.”

How much trouble was Arin causing Brian right now? How many times was he going to make Brian repeat the same damn thing over and over again until it finally got through Arin’s thick skull? You’ve gotta do better than this. He felt it again – that fear. Keep it up, and you’re gonna drive him away too.

Brian stood up and took Arin’s other hand, standing directly in front of him and looking more worried than Arin had ever seen him. “Do you wanna go get some dinner? Talk a little more?”

Every single cell in Arin’s body wanted to say yes. Brian was strong. He was irrepressible. It would be easy for Arin to snuggle up against him and drain out his strength. But he couldn’t do that, could he? He had to stand on his own two feet. He shook his head. “No, I...you’re right. Everything you said was right. I’ve just gotta remember it, don’t I?”

Brian was quiet. He wore a frown that caught Arin’s heart and squeezed it tight. “We can still talk about it. I’ve...seriously never seen you quite like this before. I don’t even know where it’s coming from.”

Instinctively Arin knew what he meant. Arin bled confidence out of every orifice. He’d built an empire, first through animation and then through entertainment. Him, the high school dropout with only limited opportunities. For all intents and purposes, everything should’ve fallen to pieces around him when he was barely sixteen. He never should’ve gotten this far – and that meant a man like him was supposed to strut around with his nose in the air and a cocky smirk on his face because he was invincible.

The problem was that Arin had been waiting ever since he made that move toward his uncertain future for everything to fall apart around him. Everything. And, for the first time, it truly looked like it might.

“I probably just need more sleep,” he said, forcing a chuckle as he let go of Brian’s hands. “I’m just, like...running my mouth about stupid shit. It’s fine, dude, don’t worry. You’re right. I need to think through this and tell myself why it’s irrational or whatever, right?”

“You don’t have to do it alone. You know that.” Brian came down on his knees in front of Arin, his handsome face filling his vision. “I know I give you shit all the time, but I know when to turn it off. I’m here for you. I could be here all night, if you needed.”

Having Brian be this serious, every ounce of humor sucked straight out of those concerned eyes, only made guilt fill Arin to the brim. Any moment now it was going to spill over, and the last thing he wanted was for Brian to see it and think Arin was weak. “No, it’s okay, seriously, I think I talked it all out. I’ve just gotta have some me time. I figure shit out better that way.” He pulled a smile that felt like it looked pretty genuine as he stood up, and Brian sat back and tipped his head to see his face. “Unless you wanna make this position make sense…?” Arin managed to tease.

Brian rolled his eyes as he got to his feet, one hand on the coffee table to stabilize himself. “Funny. Yes, Arin, let me suck out all your worries straight through your dick – how did you know my ulterior motive all this time?” But before Arin could laugh, Brian wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in, tucking Arin’s head against his shoulder. Warmth flooded him, as if Brian’s love was flowing straight into him, and he fisted his hands in Brian’s t-shirt and squeezed his eyes shut even as his lover began to speak. “I’m just a phone call away. Don’t forget that. Don’t do that thing where you try and do everything and work yourself half to death. I deal with that enough from Danny.”

Just that one mention of the man plaguing Arin with concern made a fresh flush of anxiety shoot through him, and he knew then and there that he had to get Brian out of his house before he lost it. “No, yeah, you’re right. I’ll get some sleep. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you tomorrow. No big deal.” He rattled off platitudes as he pulled back and guided Brian to the front door by the hand. He gave him one searing kiss, then forced another smile. “Drive home safely, okay?”

Brian heaved a sigh. “If I must.” With one last kiss on the cheek, Brian pulled away, and Arin shut the door behind him and leaned heavily against it.

He was fucked, and he knew it. This was going to be a long night.

~~

“Hey baby!” Suzy smiled as she kicked off her shoes at the front door and padded into the living room in her stockings, wrapping her arms around Arin on the couch from behind. “Did you already eat?”

“Yep.” It was easier to lie to her when he wasn’t looking at her. Easier still to pretend that he hadn’t put on an anime and stared at the screen senselessly while he built himself up to nausea fervently worrying about his relationship. “How was dinner?”

“Good!” Suzy kissed Arin’s cheek, then paused when she saw his profile. “You okay? You look all gross and pale.”

Arin rolled his eyes. “Thanks, babe,” he said with a dry chuckle, but when she still didn’t pull away he forced himself to look at her. Dear, sweet, strong Suzy, who’d held him together through thick and thin – who’d gone so far as to let him do this whole polyamory thing without questioning it even once. Did she even know how remarkable she was? How much Arin didn’t deserve her? He palmed the back of her head, feeling her smooth hair, and let out a sigh. “Just feel weird, I guess. Got some things I’m thinking about. Might be up late tonight.”

Suzy frowned as she squeezed his shoulders in another quick hug. “Want me to sit up with you?”

Arin tried, more than anything, not to bother Suzy with any frustrations he had about Brian and Danny. As kind as she was being to let him figure out his relationship with them, she didn’t deserve to be bogged down with their issues too. What if they upset her? What if she got jealous and decided to go fix things herself, even if it meant yelling at his boyfriends until they yelled back? How quickly would everything fall apart? He swallowed down the lump in his throat and shook his head. “Nah. I’ve gotta figure it out on my own. I’ll talk to you about it when it starts making sense, okay?”

It didn’t take a mind reader to see that Suzy wasn’t happy with that idea. “I don’t want you to be alone if you’re sad.” She kissed the top of his head and nuzzled into his hair, unknowingly calling up images of the exact incident Arin knew he needed to forget. “You’ve got so many of us that love you now. There’s literally no reason you have to go through something alone-”

“I know.” He winced from the sharpness of his own tone and tried to shake it off. “I know. I’m sorry, I just...”

“Arin?”

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” He guided her into a quick kiss. “Don’t worry about me.”

Suzy pouted, but her expression clearly said that she knew Arin’s mind was made up. “I always worry about you, baby.” She stood up and moved to the door frame, where she paused and looked over her shoulder. “Will you come get me if you need me?”

Arin smiled at her even as his foot pounded out a rhythm on the floor. “Duh. You’re my number one wife.”

“I better be,” she teased, but he’d been with her for over half his life now, and he could see how she was struggling to pull together good humor. She went to the bedroom, and Arin flopped on the couch, trying not to think about how much of an inconvenience he was for every single person around him.

Somewhere as the first hour passed, he began to feel restless, yet like he was chained to the couch. Comfort waited for him upstairs – cuddles, a quiet and calm voice in the darkness – but he didn’t feel like he’d earned it. For the first time in an eternity, he found himself gripped so thoroughly by his own pain that he couldn’t escape it.

So he gave in.

The night crept on as Arin played and replayed every way that his relationship with Danny could self-destruct without either of them even really trying. He’d been so forceful with getting him involved. He should’ve waited. He should’ve stopped being an asshole and snapping about how long it was taking him to get his dick out or whatever. So what if he and Brian had to restrain themselves around each other because it made Danny nervous? He should’ve just dealt with it.

And let him be, what, homophobic like that? Arin’s thoughts taunted him. Yeah, sure, that would’ve been a much better solution.

What if Arin had been the one to kill the relationship before it even got started? What was the fucking likelihood that Danny, who was the sweetest and most affectionate man who’d ever lived – practically a puppy – knew that he didn’t love Arin, but just hadn’t found a way to tell him yet?

If Danny broke up with Arin, would Brian feel pulled between them? Would Danny sit there on his dates with Brian and badmouth Arin?

What if he’d already been doing that and Brian was too loyal to tell him?

How long has this whole thing been fucked?

He could practically hear Brian’s voice in his mind, begging him to be patient, and, just as easily, Arin shoved it away. Who could be patient when their heart was pounding in their chest and ice was spreading through their veins?

In the wee hours before the dawn, a specter of fear hovered over Arin, and he refused to let it catch him. He came to his feet, grabbed his keys off the table, and left the house in his bare feet. After so long of doing nothing – barely even breathing – his body was stiff and sore, but the actions that had felt so impossible in the moment were suddenly the only things that felt like they could save him. He did them without thinking. Start the car. Pull out of the driveway. Drive toward the freeway. Get on heading toward Danny’s house. One thing after another, interspersed between the awareness that he had no idea what he was doing or why he was doing it, only that he needed an answer from Danny now, before things fell to pieces--

The second he’d parked in Danny’s driveway, crooked, he climbed out of the car with it still running and took purposeful steps toward his door. Finally he was doing the first sane thing he’d done all day. Even in his sleepless, exhausted head, he knew it made sense – perfect sense.

He knocked on the door. Nothing. Knocked again. The third time he knocked it flew open with a half-frantic Danny standing there. “Arin, what’s wrong, is everyone okay?”

Arin planted a hand on Danny’s chest and pushed him inside – walls were safer than standing in the open air where even the sun was coming out to judge him – and asked the question that had been playing on his mind for over half a day. “Do you even wanna be with me?”

Silence. Dead silence. Danny – beautiful Danny, perfect and owner of such a huge part of Arin’s heart – stared at him, mouth hanging open and brow furrowed. His eyes were glossy. His hair was ruined. And his lips weren’t moving.

He had nothing to say. Seconds that felt like hours ticked by until Arin knew, really knew, that he was about to cry in front of Danny – and he refused to do that and be just another inconvenience for somebody.

Besides, he already had his answer.

He slammed the door behind him as he left, jogged to his car in a desperate attempt to leave the silence behind, climbed in, and drove. No destination. No plan. Just trying to get as far away from it as he could.

It still caught up to him, just like a demon feeding on his pain – and, helpless to resist it, he spent the first half hour of dawn crying his eyes out on the side of the road.

~~

“Where the fuck were you?”

The second that Arin stepped inside, Suzy threw herself at him, the morning light streaming in through the open door. She trembled as she held him close, and he felt it with only faint stirring guilt – he was too exhausted and numb to feel, much less respond to her.

“You never came to bed, you weren’t here when I woke up, you left your phone here...” Suzy’s voice shook as she rambled on, and Arin squeezed his eyes shut. “I-I didn’t know where you were! Danny’s been calling for two hours, Arin! What happened?!”

He couldn’t say anything. Do anything. Everything was trapped in his chest, sealed shut. It was a small blessing, he supposed – anything was better than giving into those tears again like a child – but it left him dead inside. The guilt lifted its head a little higher. He was standing here, being held by the woman he’d pledged his whole heart and life to, and he was steely cold because he’d lost another lover? What kind of man was he?

Any other time, he might’ve heard soft voices lifting in the back of his mind and soothing him – reminding him that they’d started this new ethical nonmonogamy thing together, that he’d simply been so safe in his tower of marriage and happiness that he’d forgotten what it felt like to be broken up with. That it was no wonder the pain was twice as heavy as it had been when he and Suzy had briefly gone their separate ways when they were younger.

But he bludgeoned those voices, kicking them down to the ground, and left them there to bleed out as he stood in silence, simply taking short, shaky breaths.

Suzy guided him to the couch at some point and sat with him, but he didn’t catch the words that surrounded him. He saw Danny’s face staring at him in his mind’s eye, so quiet because the game was finally up. Because Arin knew. Too ashamed to say what Arin needed to hear, but letting the silence speak for himself.

Eventually Suzy stepped away, and Arin followed her with his eyes, feeling a bubble of panic pop in his gut – instincts made him fear that she was leaving him too – but once she was in the entryway, he heard her talking on her phone. “Hey, Brian.”

Brian. Fuck. He sat back with a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. He forced himself to listen to her side of the conversation, no matter how difficult it was.

“Yeah, he’s home. I don’t know. Danny told me he went to his house last night and left pretty fast?”

Arin’s jaw tightened.

“He’s not talking to me. No, it’s...not normal. It hasn’t been like this in a while.”

Suzy had been there since they were kids, practically, just two teenagers wandering around in that anime convention, Arin trying to set up his lonely buddy while pretending that he himself wasn’t already feeling the spark of chemistry between them. She’d seen everything – those devastating bouts with anxiety when the shitty comments he received on his art had been so high in number that he hadn’t been able to laugh them off anymore, when she’d held him close while he was at his most nonverbal.

“I can’t call Danny. Brian, I’m pissed as hell at him! Something happened! It can’t just...no, if I see him right now, I just know I’m gonna wring his neck.”

His spitfire of a wife. How many times had she ripped into people without him even asking her? There was a reason he’d had to develop such a casual demeanor about life and criticism – if he showed even the slightest sign of returning to those old, self-demeaning habits he had, Suzy flared up like she was ready to breathe fire. She protected him just like he protected her. That was what they did. He pitied Danny, if he and her crossed paths at the office today before...before what? Things got sorted out? Everything was pretty clearly fucked at this point, wasn’t it? There wasn’t anything to fix. It was done.

“Just go talk to Danny, please? Find out what really happened? I’ll text Brent and let him know everyone’s gonna be in late. You guys are lucky you’ve already got a buffer recorded. ...yeah, I’ll let him know. Thanks. Be safe.”

When Suzy came back into the room, she curled up next to Arin in her pajamas and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “Brian says he loves you,” she whispered. “And I love you too, baby.”

Her words were the first balm he’d had in almost twenty-four hours – no, even longer than that. He closed his eyes and sank into her and cried.

~~

The second that Danny’s door opened, Danny looked disappointed, and Brian wasn’t the least bit offended. “Oh. Hey.”

“Not him,” he said dryly as he let himself in and shut the door behind him. The next second he wrapped his arms around Danny and felt how the taller man practically wilted against him. “Hey, I’m here.”

“Is he okay?” Danny asked shakily.

“Didn’t Suzy text you?”

Danny sighed and buried his face in Brian’s shoulder. “I mean, yeah, but, like...I don’t mean physically. She just said he’s home. I think she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.” In times of crisis Brian burrowed deep within himself and found a neverending well of patience, and he pulled it out now, letting it flow freely. “She’s concerned. She thinks something happened here last night that neither of you are talking about.”

“I told her everything I know!” Danny burst out, the words rushing out of him as Brian slowly led him toward the couch. “He woke me up from a dead sleep before the sun was even up, I was sure somebody had to be dead or whatever, and he just, like, he asked me if I wanted to be with him or whatever? How the fuck was I supposed to know what to say to that?! I’d just woken up!”

As he might’ve expected. Brian sat them both down, but Danny stunned him by clinging to him even still. He threw a leg over Brian’s thighs and stayed hidden in his shoulder, tightening his arms with a shudder. Had he always craved physical contact like this when he was upset? It was the first time that he’d shown a desire for it – or even let himself be this vulnerable with him.

Brian pet slowly through his hair, making sure not to tangle his fingers in any curls. “Arin’s home. He’s with Suzy. Brent knows we’re all going to be late – fuck, we might not even make it in at this rate.”

“Because of me,” Danny murmured dully. “Because it’s my fault.”

“I’m not putting blame on you about anything, okay?” He kissed the top of Danny’s head. Odd how comforting him came so naturally when they’d never really been like this with each other before. It was like those years of closeness had finally broken down into something logical. Something that made sense. They were partners, through and through, and it showed.

Just as easily Brian imagined Arin’s face as he’d last seen it – forcing a smile, with his concerns still radiating around them – and he realized that he’d never seen Danny and Arin like this before. Not ever. Paranoia was never logical, but even the smallest aspects of an experience could make it grow. No wonder.

“Arin’s...afraid.” If he could spend an entire day comforting Danny before going into this, he would, but there wasn’t time. Suzy made it sound like this used to be a usual response from Arin, but that it hadn’t happened in years. If it was something that she couldn’t comfort him out of, then Brian and Danny needed to do whatever they could to clear up the misunderstanding. And it had to be a misunderstanding. Brian couldn’t imagine, after these years of watching how Danny admired and worshiped the ground that Arin walked on, that Danny had anything less than love for the man, regardless of how he chose to show it. “You know that, right? He’s afraid that you aren’t serious about him.”

Danny pulled away with a wounded expression. “Does he think he’s the only one who’s afraid?!” He gritted his teeth and pulled back, breaking Brian’s hold, and threw himself against the couch arm. “Does he think he’s the only goddamn man who’s ever been afraid of what’s going on in his relationship?”

The last thing Brian had expected was such a violent reaction. “Whoa, whoa, hold on.” He held up his hands. “What are you referring to?”

‘This!” Danny pointed at Brian, himself, then further down the couch – where Arin often sat when the three of them were having a date together. “Us! All of us! Don’t you think I’ve fucked up enough already without even trying?”

Brian shook his head in confusion. “Danny-”

“I almost ruined everything for you and me in one fucking night. I know I did.” He looked like he was fighting to be angry, but all that he received were eyes full of tears. “And okay, sure, we figured it out, but not everybody does that. You should’ve broken up with me on the spot. I hurt you.”

“Everybody hurts each other someti-”

“But not like that.” Danny sucked in a sharp, wet breath. “Look. We’re doing fine. The band’s doing fine. But if we’d broken up and called the band quits, you and me both know we would’ve been okay. Miserable and upset and whatever, but we would’ve still had our work with Grumps.” Before Brian could rebut that idea, Danny plunged ahead. “If Arin and I make this whole relationship thing deeper...if we make it more serious...it’s only a matter of time before I fuck up and he leaves me. And, when that happens, our entire livelihoods are at stake. You, me, Arin, Suzy – everybody in that office would have their lives fall apart. Do you know how long that’ll take to recover from?”

“Why are you saying that like it’s a done deal?” Brian reached for Danny, but when his lover flinched away he drew back. “Why do you just assume you’re going to ruin everything?”

“Because I always do!”

“And that means you’re just going to run before it happens?!”

Danny opened his mouth, then clicked it shut, glaring at the wall with a scowl.

“Danny. You’ve already hurt Arin. I know you didn’t mean to. I know that half of it is his fault for letting his mind get away from him without talking to somebody about it. But it already happened.”

“Goddammit.” Danny covered his eyes.

“But that doesn’t mean your relationship is fucked.” Brian gathered every bit of strength he could, forcing himself to keep his gaze on Danny. This wasn’t easy. But it had to be said. “People get hurt. People upset each other. Relationships take damage. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be rebuilt. Do you know how things like this get fixed? By sitting here, just like we are. By talking. By trying. Remember? Remember how we made love after everything happened? Remember how we reinstated our boundaries and showed how we cared about each other?”

Danny’s shoulders began to shake, hitched breaths breaking from his lips.

“Do you love Arin?”

“I do. I fucking do.” Danny dropped his hands into his lap and looked at the ceiling, tears streaming down his face. “It scares the shit out of me. I don’t know how to do this, Brian. I don’t know how to balance caring about two people like this. I don’t know how to play for keeps. You know that I haven’t had something that lasted longer than six months in years.”

“But it will, this time, won’t it?”

Danny snorted. “It will. Next weekend.” He paused. “...if...if Arin doesn’t just...end it because of this. Fuck, he’s gonna, isn’t he?”

It was impossible to stay clear headed while he watched Danny shake and cry. He’d barely ever seen it before. Only in Danny’s lowest moments, and looking miserable that he’d ever allowed himself to show weakness the entire time. But now? When Brian knew exactly how deeply he loved this man? It was torture. “You don’t know that. He loves you too. We’re going to talk about it, okay? All of us. Just like you and me did.”

Suddenly a burst of unamused laughter broke from Danny’s lips, and he looked at Brian with a grim smile. “It’s always me, isn’t it? It’s always gonna be me dragging this whole damn relationship to a stop. Why can’t it be as easy for me as it is for you two, huh? Why does it have to feel like pulling teeth to get me to be fucking brave when stuff like this happens?” Misery rolled off of him, clouding the room in darkness, and Brian’s hands twitched. “I’m sick of being the idiot that gives you two trouble-”

He couldn’t hold back anymore. Brian dove forward and hugged Danny tight, his heart breaking in his chest. “You’re not an idiot. You’re not. You’re the man we love. Do you hear me? We’d do anything for you. We already have.” Danny grabbed handfuls of Brian’s shirt and soaked through his shoulder with his tears, but he didn’t dream of pulling away. “Don’t you know who you are? Don’t you remember every single time you’ve been a solid fucking rock for Arin or me when we were just friends? When the whole world looked like it was going to fall apart, a-and you just sat there and listened to us and made us laugh so we’d stop freaking out?” Danny couldn’t erase those memories from Brian’s mind no matter how hard he tried. Long nights where Brian had one too many beers and mourned that their music was never going to go anywhere, where Danny so brightly pointed out that at least they were getting to follow their dreams with their best friend. The afternoon Brian had walked in on Arin stressed out about the response they received from one of their videos, and Danny keeping him afloat with jokes and comfort that came so easily to him.

Danny shook his head. “It’s not-”

“It’s that easy. That’s who you are, down to the core of you. You’re not a burden. You’re not trouble. You’re not ruining everything. You just...” He thought of Arin’s impatience and how quickly it had accelerated their relationship together – all three of them – and how, even still, Danny had held in there with them, even though he’d clearly needed so much longer. “...you need time. Don’t you?”

Danny stayed silent.

“You can take as much time as you need to. If you need to step back from our relationship or-”

“No.” Danny furiously shook his head again. “No, I don’t wanna leave you or Arin, I-I just...” He let out a shaky sigh. “I need...to talk to you guys. That’s it, isn’t it? When I’m freaking the fuck out, I need to talk about it, and then I feel better, and bam, it’s magic, it’s done, it’s all better.”

Brian snorted. “I can’t guarantee it’d be that easy, exactly, but...it’s worth trying, isn’t it?” He kissed Danny’s head, flooded with gratitude that his tone was evening out – that he wasn’t trembling anymore. “We can figure out some ground rules. Something you can say if you’re scared and need to talk about something, but don’t know how to do it. We can come over to your side for once instead of dragging you over to ours.”

“Even though it’d piss you both off?”

“It doesn’t piss me off to be patient with you, Danny,” Brian said slowly with a sigh. “I love you. More than I’ve ever loved anybody.”

Danny lifted his head, looking at Brian with watery eyes and tear tracks still shiny down his cheeks. “You mean it?”

“Duh.”

Danny smacked him in the chest, but it made him smile, and that was all that mattered. “I guess I love you too, asshole.”

“Good.” Brian cupped his cheek and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “You know what you need to do.”

Danny took a deep breath and nodded. “...yeah.”

“I’ll sit right here with you while you do it.”

“No.” Danny pulled away and raked his hair out of his eyes, looking away. “If I’m gonna call Arin, I-I wanna try to do it myself first. Be brave, and all that.” He shot Brian a look. “Exposure therapy, right? That’s what they call it?”

A stunned laugh burst from Brian’s mouth. “Sure? I guess?”

“Okay, then.” Danny pulled his phone out and stared at it. “...God, I hope he doesn’t break up with me.”

“One step at a time. Don’t get stuck in that feedback loop again. I’ll kick your ass.”

“Thanks.” Danny rolled his eyes as he opened his contacts. “As if an old man could kick my ass.”

“You’re only a slightly younger old man.”

“Fuck you.”

Brian laughed as Danny walked into his bedroom and shut the door behind him. Banter was good. Banter meant that Danny was getting his feet on solid ground again. It meant Brian hadn’t fucked up either.

He settled back on the couch and listened to the low, indiscernible murmur of Danny’s voice through the bedroom wall. This new relationship was tricky. Even after all this time together – all these years of knowing each other – it was tough getting it to work. A whole new way of communicating. A hundred ways that things could go wrong.

Or right.

Danny suddenly let out one of his bright, helpless laughs, and Brian closed his eyes. Warmth burst in his chest like a bomb – compersion, he realized, for maybe the first time. Compersion paired neatly with hope. With the idea that things might be okay.

After a few minutes, the door opened and Danny stepped outside, beaming as gave Brian a thumbs up while Arin continued to talk in his ear, and Brian winked at him and watched pink spread through his cheeks.

It was a process, day to day. But they’d get there. They’d figure it out, one step at a time.

~~

It was...embarrassing, Arin seeing his boyfriends again. He spent a solid four straight days making self-deprecating jokes both in and out of videos, and if Brian wasn’t giving him threatening looks through the glass then Danny was reaching over to put a reassuring hand on Arin’s leg.

Just...touching him. No goal in mind. No intent to seduce him. Just keeping a steady line of contact.

Did Danny know how much Arin craved that? How, every time he felt the solid weight of Danny’s touch on his thigh, his fingers went loopy on the controller? How his words took a second to make sense again?

It was a process, and he knew it well. He owed both of them a long explanation about his own past with anxiety and self hatred – but in due time. Unearthing those skeletons wasn’t pleasant around Suzy, who had lived through it, much less two men who had never really had the opportunity to see it. Instead, he had to focus on healing. On...doing better, whatever that looked like.

On Friday, he made a promise to both Danny and Brian that he wouldn’t say anything negative about himself, and they’d given each other conspiring looks all day. He succeeded – and, when everyone was starting to trickle out, Danny caught his hand and grinned and kissed him in front of the whole office. “Your reward,” he’d murmured with pink cheeks and a wink. “I’ll see you for our date tomorrow.” And then he’d left, while Arin stood motionless in the middle of the hallway trying to remember what both of them had even planned over the past few days, much less his own name.

Brian’s reward, as he might’ve expected, was a bit filthier, and involved bending Arin over a console and rimming him until he cried – but it worked. Never had Arin received positive reinforcement that made him jizz all over a desk, and the playful spank Brian gave him as he growled for Arin to clean it up only had him floating that little bit higher.

How easy they both made it to try. It wasn’t hard, now, to imagine a world where he could move forward and never let that sharp paranoia nip at his heels again. Did it still come over him that week? Of course it did, especially in the darkness of his bedroom when he didn’t even have to be asleep to see nightmares of Danny’s mournful face in the pre-dawn light – but Suzy curled closer and murmured something inarticulate and chased the shadows away, just like she always did.

It seemed impossible for a man like Arin to be so lucky in love. But he wasn’t going to second guess it.

~~

“What do you think?” Arin grinned at Danny and leaned against the wall while his lover pulled out the key to his house. “Was that dinner worth six months?”

“I think I ate about six months worth of food,” Danny drawled through a giggle, and Arin warmed. “It’s your fault if I burp all night.”

“Not all night, I hope.”

Danny shot him a look. “Why’s that?”

Arin chuckled. “How else are we gonna hear the movie?”

It was a low key celebration, and Arin was sure that people world over would’ve given them both the side eye for. But only dinner and watching a movie together in Danny’s house worked for them. They had conventions coming up. They had tours to think about. They didn’t have the time or the energy to plan something spectacular and massive.

Besides, time alone together was a gift in and of itself. Danny would see Brian alone on Sunday, and then the three of them were already planning to spent the night together in Danny’s enormous bed on Monday night. They’d make it work, and they wouldn’t waste a second.

A year together? Arin would sweep both Brian and Danny away for a private vacation – just the three of them – but neither of them had to know that yet, now, did they?

As they entered Danny’s house, Arin kicked off his shoes and flopped on the couch with a happy sigh. “You know what you wanna watch, babe?”

All night Danny had been calm, but now that he was home, he seemed a little jumpier than before. Nerves bit at Arin, and he shoved them away, refusing to give into the temptation to be suspicious about if Danny didn’t want him here after all. “Not really.” He waved Arin off. “You just pick something. Anything.”

“Cool. Time to turn you into a weeb!”

“No, your evil plan!”

Arin’s face nearly split open with the force of his grin as he turned on the TV and grabbed a controller to surf through Netflix. He’d barely gotten everything running when Danny sat on the couch watching him.

Arin glanced over. “What?”

“Nothing.” Danny grinned and rubbed the back of his neck. “You just, you look good, that’s all.”

A rare compliment. Maybe it was silly for it to burst like a fire flower in his chest, but Arin stammered with a quiet laugh, looking down at the controller and losing track of what he’d been doing. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Seriously. I like seeing you like this. Smiling. I think I fell in love with your laugh before anything else.”

“I can’t believe I have the Sexbang himself coming onto me.” Making it a joke meant that Danny could pull out when he got too uncomfortable with how deep in he was. It made sense.

But even still, Danny scooted closer until their thighs pressed together, then looped an arm around his neck. “Then I fell in love with the rest of you. And it was pretty fucking sweet.”

Arin shivered. He leaned into Danny, then caught his breath when he was only pulled in a little more. He tucked his legs under him and surrendered to the cuddle as he looked back at the screen.

Danny caught his chin and turned his head slowly, and the heat in his gaze when they locked eyes sent a crackle of lightning straight down Arin’s spine. Danny took a long moment to admire the shape of his lips before he tucked Arin’s hair behind his ear and leaned in.

Arin had expected two things from their inevitable sex tonight – either a lot of laughing and joking around or a sharp, sparking sort of passion. Those were safe for Danny, he’d come to realize over the past few months. Either he could turn his own strong response for Arin into something to tease about, or he could give himself over to it fully like a hurricane so that both of them were sore when it was over.

This slow, languid kissing didn’t fit into either category.

Arin whimpered as he tilted his head to the side, inviting him closer, and Danny hummed in response – but he seemed impervious to Arin’s silent suggestion. He kept the gentle pace steady, and Arin marveled at the simple perfection of how their slick lips moved together without a single interplay between their tongues.

It was...oddly innocent. Curious. Like two teenagers on their first date, not two grown men who knew each other’s bodies like the back of their hand. But, strangely enough, it seemed exactly like what Arin needed. He shivered from head to toe and melted into the cushions, and Danny’s lips quirked into a smile against his own.

After long, agonizing minutes, Arin distantly heard his gaming system turn off from inactivity, and Danny broke the kiss. Was it over, then? Was that all? Arin fumbled for the controller, but it fell to the floor as he gasped when Danny simply turned his head to press three feathersoft kisses over his neck.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all week.” There was a faintly amused tone to his words, and Arin tried to find his intelligent brain to quip back, but all he could manage was a weak moan as teeth nibbled lightly at his skin. “Fuck, you sound so hot...” Danny whispered as he interlaced two of their hands and squeezed.

Incredible, really, how Danny could make him hard in ten seconds flat. His cock had stirred from the gentle kisses, but those words were enough to have him aching in his sweatpants, and he immediately reached and groaned as he pressed the heel of his palm against his hardness.

“Not yet.”

“What?” Arin whined.

Danny bubbled up with laughter as he took Arin’s hand, then looped that arm around his own slender shoulders. “We’re taking our time tonight.”

“Are we?” Arin didn’t mean to sound so breathless, like he’d heard a great secret and his biggest dream combined, but out it came, and he squirmed when Danny chuckled again.

“I’m yours all night.” He thumbed over Arin’s knuckles with a pleased sigh. “And you’re mine.”

Time bled together in a dizzying way as Danny covered Arin’s neck, cheeks, and collarbone with kisses that felt like promises. His skin buzzed, oversensitive, until even the faintest tickle of Danny’s breath could make his hips lurch. If this was Brian, he knew he’d be held down, his wrists pinned to the couch and his legs kicked open so his entire body belonged to him in that moment – but Danny had no such desires. No, he seemed to want to let Arin ride the wave of his teases, shaking and gasping and moaning in turns as he waited for...for anything. Anything that Danny would gift him with.

“Bed?” Arin said once, hopefully, when wiggling made him aware of just how sticky his boxers were from precum.

“Not yet.” Danny sighed. “But...well. I guess we can take a minute and just...” As he trailed off he slid his long, thin fingers into the waistband of Arin’s pants and boxers, then pulled them down in one movement and dropped to his knees on the floor. Arin refused to let himself imagine what this might mean. He never received this from Danny. But there his lover was, looking him in the eye with a smirk as he ran his hands up and down Arin’s bare thighs.

Arin’s cock twitched, and Danny laughed – and then he leaned down.

The kisses began again, one right after the other, leading a smooth line up his legs that had Arin feeling like he’d gone to heaven. He’d always wondered, really, what sort of lover Danny was in the past – his laughter and his primal passion in turns seemed like rare things he might give into with women, especially given the faint misogyny he’d grown out of that might’ve manifested in the past as treating ladies as if they were shrinking flowers. Was this how he’d been with them, then? Slow? Teasing? Gentle?

Danny’s eyelashes fluttered with a shaky sigh, but he turned his eyes to Arin’s cock as he slowly approached it, one kiss at a time, with a certain heat in his gaze that couldn’t be ignored.

No, he wasn’t pretending Arin was someone else – some shadow of the past. He knew exactly who he was with. And he was burning up just like Arin was.

“Danny...” The word slipped out like a prayer. “Please, I-I...”

“Let me take my time.” The statement was easy and unassuming. Rich like honey. As their eyes met Danny smiled. “Let me show you how much I love you.”

Arin whimpered and slouched another inch, feeling like he might melt straight off the couch. This was what he’d wanted all week – wanted and then felt selfish for, after the idle fantasies slipped out of his mind. He couldn’t bear asking for anything like this – and, for the first time, he wondered why. Danny shouldn’t have to read his mind to know that Arin wanted him to take some slow, intimate time with him. Arin needed to tell him what he needed. Right?

He was unimaginably lucky that Danny had even given him the chance, after how Arin had acted. And he’d find a way to repay him in spades.

“Everything still square with testing?” Danny asked absently as he nosed his way along Arin’s sensitive thigh.

Forcing himself to think logically was quite a feat. “Y-yeah, Suzy and me, we, uh, we got tested, um, two weeks ago? Everything’s negative.”

“She’s still good with this? Not using condoms?” Though they’d talked about it in the past, they still rarely did it.

“Yeah, totally.” Arin barked a laugh. “Do you want me to get my phone out and call her and ask for you?”

Danny giggled. “Shut up, I’ve gotta be sure.” Somehow, Danny was the one, no doubt after his former quick series of entanglements, one right after the other, to make sure that everyone continued to check in about fluid bonding with each other – knowing that Suzy especially, not being involved with the two of them, was willing to trust them with unprotected sex with Arin, just like she and him had. It was a small thing, just an indication of how seriously Danny took this commitment – how much he cared about Suzy’s safety and consent as well – and it made Arin’s heart burst with adoration.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, sliding fingers delicately into Danny’s curls.

Danny hummed, his smile softening. “I love you too.”

The long swipe of Danny’s tongue up Arin’s shaft made him shiver, like sweat was breaking out all over his body, and he let out a moan that was just as desperate as he felt. Danny took his time. As if he’d been doing this for years, he suckled his way along Arin’s length with wet kisses, then lapped at the head of his cock over and over again just to turn his blood into lava. Arin twisted on the couch, prepared to be shoved back into place, but Danny only laughed and squeezed his hand around his thigh as he took just the head of Arin’s cock into his mouth.

“You’re so fucking good to me...” Arin went boneless and pliant as Danny slid the tip of his tongue through his slit. Pinpricks of pleasure burst on his skin. “Oh my God-”

Danny moaned around him, vibrations spreading up his shaft. His steadying hand slid down to run a finger over Arin’s balls without a hint of nerves.

Everything really was going to be okay, wasn’t it? Arin trembled with the force of the realization. After months upon months of waiting for Danny to continue his bi crisis and go running, he’d relaxed, and Arin had barely even realized it. What was it that had changed? Arin felt a sparking curiosity rush through him regarding Brian and Danny’s sex life alone behind doors. Had Brian been the one to whisper in Danny’s ear when he was anxious about what they were doing? Had he been Danny’s first in so many experiences and acts, just because it was secure when it was just the two of them?

Arin should feel jealous, he thought – but it never came. His whole soul rose above him, reaching out for Brian’s somewhere in town, effervescently happy. After all this time and all their worries and all of Arin’s fucking impatient prodding, something right had happened, and he felt more grateful than he could say.

Danny began to bob slowly on Arin’s cock, his slick mouth hot and tight around him, and he curled his toes as he groaned in appreciation. Danny seemed to light up from the wordless praise; he sighed and took him just an inch deeper, the fingers on Arin’s hip pillowing in his skin. It was obviously a process – Danny took his time with the blowjob because he had so little experience that he didn’t want to choke himself – but the act itself was immeasurably beautiful to Arin. He didn’t need it to be the best damn blowjob he’d ever had.

He just needed to feel his heart connecting with Danny’s.

“I need you to fuck me,” he said suddenly, before he’d even acknowledged the thought. “I-I need...”

Danny made an amused sound as he pulled off and turned his neck to suck on one of Arin’s balls.

“Fuck!” Arin slammed his head back on the couch. “I-I need t-to...to feel you. All of you. On me.”

With a sigh, Danny nodded. “Motherfucker, I wanted to spoil you, but...”

Arin blinked. “But?”

“...but I need it too.”

Something about the confession made Arin’s heart skip a beat. “Really?”

Danny stood up and pulled Arin to his feet, holding him tightly against his clothed body. “I need to know you forgive me. Really forgive me.”

“I did. I do. I told you, y-you didn’t even do anything I had to forgive--”

“I know you told me.” Danny’s arms tightened just that little bit more. “But I wanna feel it. If...if I can hold you and make love to you...”

Words that he never thought he’d hear Danny say. Words that sounded, somehow, like they didn’t deserve to come out of his mouth. Not with the persona that Danny had so carefully cultivated over years for his career. They sounded almost clumsy – like he hadn’t been expecting to say them – and something about it felt so real – not anywhere near fake, not in the slightest – that Arin’s knees shook. He felt like a corseted woman who hadn’t expected to be proposed to, needing to sit down to take the huge surprises of life, not like a naked man about to explode from the intimacy thick in the room around them.

“Then make love to me.” Arin’s voice shook with emotion, and he felt Danny chuckle quietly in response – like he couldn’t believe it was really something they were saying, admitting. “Fucking do it.”

“Hell yeah.”

Danny took both of Arin’s hands and walked backward through the house, beaming down at him, and it was on its way to being cute as fuck when he tripped over one of Arin’s shoes and sent both of them stumbling. The lightness of their laughter broke the overwhelming tension vibrating in the air as they made their way to the bed and both climbed in.

“You wanna, like, not use a condom here too?” Arin asked curiously.

Danny blinked at him. “You want that?” He couldn’t help but chuckle again. “You want my cum in your ass, dude, really?”

“I mean...” Was that going to gross him out to suggest?

Before Arin could overthink anything in the old, tentative headspace that he was still sorting through, Danny leaned forward and gave him such a dizzying kiss that it bled the thoughts right from his brain. “Yeah, sure, let’s do it.”

“You sure?”

Danny grinned. “Absolutely.”

Arin reached for Danny’s shirt, but he caught his hands and eased him to lay back on the sheets. Danny straddled him and slid his own shirt over his head – like giving him a show, and it was one that Arin was more than happy to watch. He let his gaze rove over Danny’s slender torso, catching on the sparse hairs of his chest, feeling the lurch of his body’s reaction to his lover. The sheer magnitude of his attraction – and how it was okay to feel – took his breath away.

His clothes fell away, little by little, jeans and socks and briefs joining the shirt on the floor, until Danny wrapped a hand around both of their shafts and gently began jerking them off together.

“No, no,” Arin whined, and Danny grinned impetuously. “Fuck me fucking now!”

“Let me take my time with you! God!” Danny hunched down to kiss him, and though Arin had the distinct feeling that it was only to shut him up, he gave in immediately, twisting their tongues together while Danny’s long fingers coaxed ripples of pleasure down his spine.

It nearly didn’t matter how much time he wanted them to take. Arin forced himself to jerk his head back and catch his breath. “I-if you take too much time, I’m...Danny, I’m not gonna last.”

Danny’s eyes widened. “You serious?” His sweet voice carried just a hint of a growl to it, one that rose with every movement of his hand. “You need me that bad?”

Words were impossible to grasp when Danny was hovering over him, his curls illuminated by the light on overhead, his legs tangled with Arin’s. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried desperately to calm down the tidal wave of arousal breaking through his body, but it was impossible. He couldn’t even catch his own breath. For the first time in months, he felt the strength of Danny’s fondness for him one hundred percent. There were no questions of if this was just to get off, or if he was only doing it because Brian was there.

No, this was fucking love, and it was goddamn overwhelming.

“Fuck, that’s hot,” Danny whispered as he leaned in for another kiss. He released their cocks, lathing his tongue over Arin’s bottom lip in silent request for him to open his mouth, and he gave himself up to it with another weak moan. Distantly he heard Danny’s hand open the nightstand and felt something hit the bed.

When he began to pull away, Arin grabbed his arms and whined. “Danny...”

“I’ve gotta finger you, dude,” he said with a chuckle.

“But...” He had the distinct feeling that if Danny pulled away – if their bodies stopped touching – that he might cry. His emotions were ratcheted far too high to come down that easily.

Danny kissed him again, swallowing the sounds he didn’t even realize he was making. “You’re gonna give me an arm cramp. Worth it.” He nudged Arin’s thighs apart with one leg, then half-draped himself over Arin’s torso, their hearts hammering against each other. It was enough for him to rub cold, slick fingers over his hole.

As he began opening Arin up, Danny kissed him with no sense of purpose or rhythm. It was like all he wanted to do was taste him for the rest of their damn lives. Why hurry? Why focus on something else? They’d get where they needed to be eventually.

It had taken them years, but they’d gotten here, hadn’t they?

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Danny whispered between kisses, and the words sluiced over Arin’s body. “I can’t fucking believe it, babe.”

“Yeah, well, look at you.” Arin cupped Danny’s stubbly cheek with one hand and grinned at him. “Jesus, your eyes are fucking gorgeous.”

Danny’s eyelashes fluttered with pleasure, and Arin filed it away, feeding on it. There was the instinct to feel embarrassed about the words, but...no, no more of that. It was worth it. Every word.

“D’you ever think...” Danny trailed off suddenly as he eased two fingers inside of Arin, glancing away.

Arin held his breath, adjusting, before turning Danny’s face back to look at him. “Think what?”

“I-I just...” He laughed. “This is dumb, with my fingers in your ass and all, but-”

“You’re not dumb. I wanna hear whatever you wanna say.”

Danny closed his eyes, teeth glinting through his sudden beaming smile. “Geez. Uh, I...do you ever think about what it’d be like if this all just...got serious?”

Arin blinked. “It is serious, isn’t it?”

“No, yeah, but I meant, like...like if all of us...”

Arin’s heart beat like a rabbit’s.

“...wouldn’t it be fucking cool if you, me, Brian, and Suzy all just...played house someday? If this just...never stopped?”

Fuck. Fuck. He knew that Danny was just dreaming out loud, like they did sometimes over burgers when they talked about the places they wanted to go on tour and the people they wanted to collab with. He knew that he wasn’t proposing fucking marriage or anything – that being together like this made thoughts and feelings and words rush just that little bit closer toward the surface until it was impossible to hold back. But the fact that it had been on his mind at all was incredible.

He could have a life like that, if all of them wanted it. If they all worked carefully. A place for just him and Suzy, but adding on a place for him and his men, all of them having a future together in a massive house with dreams and love and desires that they didn’t have to think twice about fulfilling.

Danny’s face blurred. Arin sucked in a shaky breath, and when Danny grinned back at him he hugged him tight so his mouth pressed against his ear. “I want you to fuck me like we’re there,” he whispered. “Like...like we’ve got our whole lives together, and we’ve been thinking about each other all day, and we just got back to our home, and Brian and Suzy are making dinner, and we just...we...”

“Yeah,” he whispered back. He shifted his fingers, dragging them over Arin’s prostate, and as he gasped and arched his back Danny kissed his cheek. “Fuck, I love you.”

“Love you too,” Arin barely managed to say before a tear slid down his cheek. He was being a huge baby, and he knew it, and he loved every second of it. He could be vulnerable here. He could know that Danny wanted these things, even just in a distant corner of his mind – that he fantasized about possibly having a whole life with Arin outside of work. That he wasn’t just looking for a way out.

Without asking if he was ready – just by reading his body and his moans – Danny shifted and pushed his cock inside of him, rolling his hips in slow, shallow thrusts as he worked deeper and deeper in. Arin clung to him. He wrapped his thighs around his slender hips and squeezed, arms so tight around him that Danny couldn’t slip away. “You feel so good,” Danny gasped.

Arin groaned in response, his eyes rolling back as he basked in the sensation. This slow push and pull, it felt real, tethering him to reality. He didn’t need anything else. He didn’t need to come. He just needed to feel the weight of Danny on his body and the way that they were joined and how every one of their cells felt like they were tingling and waiting to press together.

He drowned in the ragged, wet breaths Danny let out near his ear. He reveled in how Danny bottomed out, his hips flush against him, and how he hesitated there, like he never wanted to leave. He melted as Danny kissed over his neck, and as he squeezed around his lover’s cock he grinned when he felt him shiver from head to toe.

“Love you, I love you so much, I’ll never stop...” The words slipped from Danny’s lips as he began moving again, picking up his pace with hips that stuttered every time that Arin gripped him just that little bit tighter inside. The words knit something over Arin’s weary brain – like a blanket that fit snugly around the parts of him that had been so panicked at the beginning of the week.

“Don’t, don’t stop,” Arin begged on a gasp. The words only egged Danny on. He wrapped his arms around Arin, lifting him slightly off of the mattress; with their bodies pressed together, he could only pull an inch or two out of him, and he began to chase his release, their skin slapping together with the sudden rhythm he took. “Oh God-”

“Fucking beautiful,” Danny gritted out, his words shaking with the force of his thrusts.

It was everything. They were everything. Arin couldn’t hold back his litany of moans as he fixated every ounce of his focus on Danny – and he let out a sharp cry when he felt him come. His cock twitched inside of him, filling him up little by little, and Arin melted into the sheets, feeling utterly taken and desired and claimed-

“I’m a fucking selfish asshole,” Danny whispered barely a second after, not even tasting his afterglow before he lifted away just enough to shove between them and jerk Arin’s cock.

“D-don’t you fucking, don’t apologiz- shit…” Arin’s entire body began tingling, and he fought through it to speak. “I love this, I love you.”

“Couldn’t help myself.” Danny kissed him, still buried deep inside of him, his hand practically stripping his cock raw. “Needed you.”

And Arin had needed to be needed. He couldn’t verbalize it, not when he suddenly spilled in Danny’s hand with his name on his lips. Every part of him blurred into white hot pleasure, and he basked in it, trembling and gasping, until he slowly began to come down, right back into Danny’s arms.

“Jesus,” Arin whispered with a sleepy smile. “What the fuck, how am I supposed to go home tonight after that?”

“Don’t.” Danny lifted his head and watched him. “Don’t, just stay here. Text Suzy and let her know. Please.”

Never once had Danny practically begged for Arin to stay with him. He’d always smiled and kissed him and helped him get cleaned up and sent him home. Had he always wanted Arin to stay? Had he just been too afraid to ask?

“You sure?” Arin wiped what he realized with a shock was a tear track from Danny’s cheek.

Danny nodded. “Absolutely.”

After a long moment of drinking Danny in, Arin launched himself out of the sheets, falling straight onto his hands and knees, and Danny burst out laughing behind him as he scrambled to his feet. “You’re so stupid!” Danny called after him, and Arin grinned over his shoulder in good humor just before he disappeared into the living room to find his phone.

It was worth it. All the pain, all the fear, all the wondering and confusion. With Suzy’s sweet words of love, acceptance, and her invitation for him to have fun nestled in his mind, Arin crawled back into bed and wrapped every limb around Danny. He’d never take advantage of this feeling. He’d never forget it. He’d spend the rest of his life holding it close, as long as Danny held him just as tightly back.

[legendofgrump]

So It’s My Birthday, Part 2

Blah blah, you already saw all the garbage I put on the other one. Here’s all the art from this blog.

@legendofgrump​: (Drawings) LoG Poster | Plot | Confusion | Triforce of Power | Sun’s Out Guns Out | Fairies | Liar | Ghost Angst | Boxer and Children | Catch the Ghost | One Ross | More AUs | More AUs 2 | More AUs 3 | Portal Cores | Mario Grumps | Bubble Dragons | Harpy Holly | Dan and Sylveon | Princess Sprinklebottom | PokeGrumps Comic | Weird AUs | Dog and Dragon Danny | More AUs 4 | Unicorn Wizard | First Request | Shiny Boner | Samurai Abstinence Patrol | An Angel | A Butt and An (Implied) Boner | Ninjas in Space | So Many Dannys | Barbershop Duet | Virus Cuddles | Knight and Princess | Fairies in the Rain | Undertrain Kiss | Neverbang | Animal Crossing Brian | Train Crashers | LoG Egobang | Flowercrown Polybomb | Egobang Doing Makeup | Grump Crossing in the Closet | Viruses | Danny in his sparkly suit | Lightning Kids | At the Arena | Hair Braiding | Rubberbang and Razzabang | LoG Sass | Barbershop Duet Part 2 | Shovel Knights | Dog Pets | Kid Grump Hugs | Grumps in Skirts | Voltorb (or Electrode? I dunno) | Mute Danny | More Undertrain | Bubbled Rosses | Mountain Climber | Seductive Navi Dan | Innocent Fairy | An ex | Vampire Flirting | MegaGrumps | Sparkles and Angst | Bad Comebacks | Flareon | Digging Holes | Party Babies | Party Dress | Anime Grumps | Smile Pretty Cover | Grumps in Dresses | Sign Language | Kids Singing About Sex | Stream Art | *Shark Sounds* | A Big Sunflower | Virus Line | Link Arin Fucks Up | Smile Pretty Page 1 | Bruised Frogs | Into the Ring | Werewolf Barry and Witch Suzy | Action Grumpz | Werewolf Barry | Dogs | A Weird Style | Portal Angst | Dan in a Skirt | CG Suzy and Arin | Original Rainbow Obsidian | Better Rainbow Obsidian | Calcite and NSP | Arin and Suzy’s Weapons | Ponytails | Unfused | Girl Grumps | Peace and Love | Girl Grumps Guys | Girl Grumps Gummy Bear | GG Dan and Ross | Suzy and Arin Portraits | NSP Holly | Faun Holly | Action Grumpz Girls | SVTFOE Dan | SVTFOE Arin | CG Holly Intro | Minimalist Dan | Original Firefly AU Concept | Grump Crossing Speech | Knights | Virus and Dog | Frolf | Angry Links | Beaten Frogs | Coldstone | Protective Ross | Spooky Forest | Infinidagger | Strong Virus | A Hug | Snake Style Virus | Kigarumi Zoo Trip | Middle Fingers | Bad Date | Demon Brian and Star Dan | Ross the Artist | SU Song Parody | Overwatch AU Designs | 80s Rollerblade Fairy | Junkrat Ross | My First Avibang (nsfw) | Doodles | Doodles 2 | Kid Arin Development | Scruffy Girls | Scruffy Girls 2 | Phone Doodle | Firefly Doodle | Punk Dan | Suzy Holly Fusion | Suzy Holly Fusion 2 | Sillimanite | Amber | Onxy | Punk Dan 2 | Dan Fusions | Arin Fusions | CG Snapchat | Brian Fusions | Starbomb | Septibang | CG Jack and Barry | 80s Arin | EgoHanson? | Girl Grumps 6969 | Collars and Kisses (nsfw-ish) | An Art Project | Avibang | Snail Crying | Firefly Can See | Venus Style Swap | Nikki Meme | Celeste Meme | Beli and Celeste Meme | Kyu Meme | Beli Meme | Lillian Meme | Jessie Meme | Aiko Meme | Beli Meme 2 | Sarah Meme | Lillian Meme 2 | Audrey Meme | Candace Meme | Nora Meme | Tiffany Meme | Kyanna Meme | Lola Meme | Kyanna and Audrey Meme | Tiffany and Kyu Meme | Jessie and Beli Meme | Venus and Kyu Meme | Renee Meme | Beli Meme 3 | Lola Meme 2 | Brooke Meme | Tiffany Meme 2 | Kyu Meme 2 | Momo | Celeste with Tea | Cute Demon Crashers | Celeste Hairstyles | Arin in a Summer Dress | Leather JACKet | Better Than Pizza | Breathing | Another Starbomb | Rainbow BandAid | Gamer Fusion | Girasol is Bad | Orthoclase | “Egobang” | Radical Avibang | Falling Danny | Sylveon’s Back | Sunstone and Pyrite | Cheerleader Eric | Maid Momo | Angel Devil Commanderflap | Angel Kyu | Playboy Egobang | Teacher Dan | Wedding Beli | Maid Suzy | Playboy Watermelon Tourmaline | Kissing Ninja Ship Party | Andy in a Dress | NSP Hugs | Fuck You | Angel Ross | Sputtering Kyu | Surprise Hug | Fuckin’ Finally | Yip Yip Yip | My Icon | Cash Money | Snailbitch Hugs | Impure (nsfw-ish) | Andy with Pigtails | Defending Andy | Boi | Defend Barry | Angery | Tag Urself OC Edition | Wall-Eyed Jack | Tiny Face Ross | Septibang Dip | Crying Brian | Kael and Beli | Arin in a Flower Crown | Flapbang Rose | Jack Dab | Rubbercommanderbang | Planar Sketches | Long Distance Septibang | Art Vs Artist Meme | Galaxy Dress Jack | Anti Glitch | Galaxy Dress Egobang | Marlena with Giraffe | Wedding Audrey | Kael and Beli 2 | Better Than Better | Cantolope Doodles | Anti Vent | AntiPoppy Glitch Gif | Chewing Gum | Organ Harvesting | Snailbitch Commission | Tumblr’s Doodle Post | Gigi Design | Gigi and Glitch | Polkadot Dress Suzy | Dan in Suzy’s Dress | Spandex Arin | Ross in Dresses | Snailbitch Beauty and the Beast AU | Undertale Snail | Jack in Suzy’s Dress | Suzy Sexbang | Horse Mask Ross | Strix Dan | Rose Quartz Arin | Bo Burnham | Cookie’s Haircut | Cantolope Portrait | Baby Snail | An Egg with Legs | 10 Billion OCs | Cleona Progression | Six Month Anniversary | Rory Design | Puppy (nsfw) | Blythe in Copics | Rory in Copics | Buff Marianne | Cantolope and Cookie Commission | Brian’s GaY | Chowder | Audrey and Nikki | Ant Design | Gritty Sugar Snail | Septibang Dance | Dramatic Lighting Snail | Daniel Via Cantolope’s Computer | Xania | Scott Pilgrim Snailbitch | Snail in Cantolope’s Style | Smash Buddies | Confidence Pyramid | Panel Tests | Mortar’s Jacket | Negative Firefly | Ellie’s Powers | Baby Snailbitch | Baby Cookie | Zelda of Kakariko | Portal Doodle | CG Dressup | The Little Princess

(Aesthetics): Cantolope | Snail | Daniel | Snailbitch | Andy | Daniyal | Dandy | Firefly | Marianne | RubberCommanderBang | Septibang | Commanderflap | OC Aesthetics | OC Aesthetics 2 | You Monster Dan and Brian

(Crafts): AU Cutouts | Sketchbook

(Videos): Grumps Clothes Swap | Crystal Grumps Parody Comic | Cantolope Portrait | Random Requests

(Fic): Virus Grumps | Kid Grumps Origin | Kid Grumps Origin 2 | Coldstone Makeout | Dead or Alive Xtreme Lesbians | Kid Grumps Barry Angst | Xtreme Lesbians 2 | Kid Grumps Danny Walking | Coldstone Tickles | You Monster (AO3) | Lycanthrope | Too | Dick Punch | Punch Grumps | Viruses Meeting | Egobang Angst | Kid Grumps Water War | Werewolf Brian | LoG Angst | Frolf | Egobang Breakfast Angst | Mario Maker | Ghoul Grumps Egobang | On the Pavement | Crystal Grumps Requests (AO3) | Avibang | Ross Bondage (nsfw) | Orgasm Denial Commanderbang (nsfw) | Brian Domming Dan (nsfw) | Beli and Lillian | Jessie and Beli | Commanderflap Dirty Talk (nsfw) | RubberCommanderBang Threesome (nsfw) | Kid Grumps Brian and Barry | LoG Suzy and Holly | What’s My Name? (nsfw) | Bo and Esky Fluff | Girl’s Night (And Daniyal) | You Monster Redux (AO3) | Charity Case

[floralseokjin]

⤑ made-up love song viii.

Your first encounter with Kim Seokjin doesn’t go so well, nor your second, or your third… and maybe that’s because it shouldn’t work on paper. You’re an elementary school teacher, never left the country despite hitting the third decade of your life not so long ago, and you’re unable to remember the last time you dated. He’s the dad of one of your students, nearly a decade older than you and divorced. Oh yes, and just another minor detail – he’s a multimillionaire. 

Your lives are lightyears apart, yet somehow, your paths having now crossed, things just seem to fall into place…

pairing; kim seokjin x reader   au/genre/warnings; strangers to lovers, romance, single dad! seokjin, ceo! seokjin, elementary school teacher! oc, age gap (oc is 30, seokjin is 37), seokjin is a dilf, angst, just straight up angst and drama, arguments, both seokjin and nana are frustrated, both have reasons to feel hurt, both make mistakes  words; 5,122

↪︎ chapter index

chapters; i • ii • iii  • iv • v • vi • vii • viii • ix • x • epilogue (+ drabbles)

You looked at Nana, chest a little tight, something heavy in your stomach. When your eyes locked the corners of her mouth curled upwards. “The stepmom!” She sneered. 

Your face fell, confused at first, as you attempted to make sense of her words, of her anger. You didn’t understand what was going on, but unable to stop yourself, irritation began creeping its way up your body, heat prickling your face. Confrontation made you uncomfortable, but under appropriate triggers, you often saw red. You opened your mouth, ready to say something – you didn’t quite know what – but then your gaze fell to Arin. Still clutching her mom’s hand. Her eyes were on you now, still wide and brimming with tears. She looked frightened. You came to your senses. 

There was no good getting angry. Especially in front of a child. By your side, Seokjin straightened his back, letting go of your hand to step in front of you slightly. You appreciated the thought, but you didn’t really need protecting. You could look after yourself.  

“Stop embarrassing yourself, Nana.” 

Caught off guard for the second time in under five minutes, the tone of Seokjin’s voice threw you for a loop. The venom you heard unnerved you, a sick feeling twisting your gut. You’d heard him stressed, you’d heard him tense, you’d even heard him stern a few times on the phone, but you’d never heard his voice filled with such bite like this. 

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Nana spat back, her long hair flipping around as she raised her hand to point at him. “Not when you’ve been playing house with your daughter’s teacher, letting my daughter call her stepmom.” 

Seokjin chuckled, the sound humourless. He shook his head, practically laughing in her face. “I don’t know where you’ve heard that from because it’s not true.” The look on Nana’s face told you she didn’t believe a word he said.  

Seokjin bent down, attention on Arin. He held his hand out, wanting her to take it. “Arin, come here,” he asked, voice gentle, nothing like how he’d spoken to her mother. She let go of Nana’s hand and slowly made her way over. He immediately wrapped his arms around her middle. “Tell daddy where you got that word from.” She still looked afraid, hesitating as she opened her mouth. “Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you,” he reassured, stroking her hair. 

“Mommy is.” Arin’s voice shook, one lone tear falling down her cheek. It broke your heart. 

“Mommy isn’t mad at you.” Seokjin’s voice was a murmur, but as he looked up at his ex-wife he had to try his best to sound composed. “Right?” 

Nana stared at him for a moment, her dark eyes piercing through him almost, but he didn’t flinch. Her gaze fell to the back of her daughter’s head, immediately softening, the regret obvious on her face. “No, darling, mommy isn’t mad at you. I’d never be mad at you.” 

Her words comforted Arin, and she looked up at her father, small voice still trembling with emotion as she explained. “Suzie told me that’s what Y/N is because she’s your girlfriend. She has one too.”

Seokjin exhaled slowly. “So, you heard it from your friend?” Arin nodded, and he quickly embraced her, rubbing her back as he soothed her. “That’s okay. No need to be upset.” You heard her sniff into his shoulder, but Seokjin’s attention was already on Nana again. 

“Happy now?” He shot, not giving her any time to reply. “Now get out of my house.” 

“Excuse me?” Her nostrils flared. 

“You heard me. Get the hell out of my house!” 

“Seokjin,” you breathed, reaching for his shoulder. He needed to remember everything he was saying was being heard by his daughter. He might be mad right now but he needed to think of Arin. 

As if Nana realised too, she took control. “Arin, go upstairs to your room and let me talk with your father.” 

Seokjin’s eyes flashed in anger. “Don’t tell her what to do in my home.” Nana scoffed, but Seokjin’s attention was back on Arin. He cupped her face in his hands.

“Sweetie, why don’t you go and play upstairs for a little while, okay? Daddy will come and check on you soon.” She nodded slowly, her tears dried. At least that was a positive. He kissed her cheek and stood up, encouraging her to make her way out of the room and upstairs with a nod. As she passed by you, you gave her a small smile. She returned it. You thought someone should at least accompany her to her room, but you thought best not to suggest it. It wasn’t your place. 

There was silence, a few moments as they waited for Arin to be safely out of earshot. Your heart drummed against your ribcage, still feeling nauseous. This wasn’t over just yet. Nana had no intentions of leaving. 

“Hypocrite,” she scoffed under her breath. 

“What did you say?” Glancing over at Seokjin, you saw his jaw was clenched, his gaze hard, unwavering as he stared at her. 

“I called you a hypocrite.” She sounded unbothered, eyes finding yours. “You don’t know him at all, sadly. You’ll soon find out how miserable he is. How frustrating it is when he always has to right. Mr. Perfect, aren’t you, Jin?” She was trying to rile him up, get a reaction. “Could never do anything wrong.” 

The way she called him Jin made you feel funny. It was so…personal. It had never crossed your mind to use the shortened version of his name. It had always been Seokjin for you. 

“Nice try,” he gave a hollow laugh. “Say what you want, we don’t care.” 

That much was true. Nana’s words wouldn’t make you doubt anything. Your relationship with Seokjin was solid. His relationship with Nana was nothing similar. 

“So when were you planning on telling me?”

Just like that you felt your heart drop, turning to look at Seokjin on instinct. You must have understood wrong. Nana knew about you, right? He’d told her about you, surely? 

“Did you just think you could pretend I didn’t exist?” Seokjin stayed silent, only infuriating Nana even more. “Answer me! How long has it been going on for?” 

“It’s none of your business!” He exploded causing you to jump. You had never once heard him raise his voice. His face was red, his blood pressure soaring. 

“None of my business?!” She cried, laughing in disbelief. His shouting did nothing to deter her. They were used to arguing, you guessed. “It is when my daughter is concerned.” 

It was Seokjin’s turn to scoff. “Oh, so now you care? You’re a joke.” 

Nana’s expression faltered. It took a moment for her to compose herself. “What is that supposed to mean?” Her tone was icy. 

Seokjin didn’t give her an answer. “I don’t owe you anything, Nana. You’re nothing to me anymore.” 

“I’m the mother of your daughter!” She was enraged, her eyes wide as she glowered. “You shouldn’t have kept this from me. I had no clue, Jin!” His indifference infuriated her even more. “Not one! Did you tell Arin to keep quiet?”

That had him biting, face scrunching up at her ludicrous claim. “Of course I didn’t.” 

“Then why,” she demanded, “why was I so oblivious?!” 

“Do I come up in conversation much? Maybe there’s your answer.” Seokjin shrugged. “When was the last time we were in the same room together?”

“Don’t! No, Jin, don’t use that as an excuse.” Nana’s voice wavered, words dotted with an emotion you hadn’t heard yet. 

You felt a pang of guilt. You’d been so oblivious too. Hadn’t realised she had no clue of your existence. You understood her frustrations. It was difficult not to. Seokjin was adamant though. Ruled by his emotions. He couldn’t see his fault. 

“You let our daughter stay with a stranger last weekend!”

But that hurt. 

You weren’t a stranger. You had known Arin for months. You adored that little girl and she liked having you around. You weren’t just anyone. Desperately, you tried to keep it together. Logically yes, you were a stranger to Nana. She had a right to be mad. You knew that. 

Although Seokjin didn’t see it that way, defending you angrily. “Y/N is not a stranger!” 

“To me she is!” Nana shouted. “I didn’t have a clue. What if something had happened to Arin?”

You wanted to say something. To tell her you understood her reservations. Maybe you even wanted to stick up for yourself, but you couldn’t find the words. Guilt was eating you up. 

“Just shut your mouth,” Seokjin hissed. His defensiveness made you nervous. “You don’t care. If you did you would have dropped everything and said yes when I called you.” 

“I was working.” Nana ran a hand through her hair, face patched red. “You think I didn’t want to say yes? I thought you’d just cancel or ask your parents to help out.” Then her eyes fell on you, that familiar sneer on her face. “Instead, you asked her.” 

Taken aback, you opened your mouth, words rushing out. “I’m really sorry you had to find out about our relationship this way, I… I thought–”

“I don’t want to hear it, stepmom.” 

Your cheeks flushed, anger bubbling at her dismissal. She wasn’t even going to hear what you had to say? “I’ve never referred to myself as Arin’s stepmother.” 

She raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow. “And what if I don’t believe you?” 

Before you could defend yourself Seokjin flew in, in front of you once more. You felt fresh anger, but everything was moving so fast you didn’t know how to place it. “Don’t speak to her like that. God, you’re such a condescending bitch.” 

“And you’re a smug, arrogant bastard.” She shot right back immediately. 

Seokjin scoffed. “Don’t try to deflect. You’ve just heard Arin say she learned that word from a friend. Do you think I’d force my own daughter to lie?” 

Nana stared at him, her breathing laboured with anger. Her eyes flicked to you and then back at Seokjin quickly, a devious smirk spreading across her face. “She’s younger, Seokjin. Having a midlife crisis?” 

Seokjin exhaled slowly, his voice calm as he replied, lips twitching up in amusement. “Your goading won’t work.” 

Although she still tried. “What would Arin’s school think? Knowing you’re fucking your daughter’s teacher.” 

You didn’t take kindly to threats, no matter the situation. Straightening your back you spoke clearly, voice raised a little. “I’m not her teacher anymore and the school already knows.”  

“There’s nothing you can do, Nana,” Seokjin sighed softly, taking your hand. It didn’t feel as comforting as it usually did. “So just let me be happy. It’s the least you can do.” 

That did it. Nana saw red instantly. “Oh, quit playing the victim!” She exclaimed, laughing at his seeming absurdity. You prayed Arin couldn’t hear all the commotion. The house was large enough, the walls thick enough, but who really knew. “Am I not allowed to be mad? You’ve kept this relationship,” she mocked, eyeing your laced fingers, “a secret this entire time. You’ve been playing happy families with my daughter.” There was a beat of silence. “I’m Arin’s mother.” 

“Yes, but that’s all you are.” 

A noise fell from Nana’s mouth. “I know, I know, you hate me. You’ve made that abundantly clear over the years.” 

“I don’t hate you, Nana.” With a sigh, Seokjin let go of your hand, rubbing his temples. “That would imply I still care. I don’t. I stopped caring a long time ago.” 

Nana rolled her eyes. “This again.” You on the other hand were lost. 

Seokjin’s eyes locked on hers, gaze steady, just like his words that seemed to knock you for six. “I stopped caring the moment I found you in bed with another man.”

You probably couldn’t hide the shock from your face, mind reeling, but they didn’t seem to notice. You were barely concentrating on what they were saying anymore. 

“Shut up.” Nana shot, provoking him further. “You never cared, Jin. Never. I did you a favour when I fucked Jaehyun. It gave you the perfect excuse to leave because you were too much of a coward to do it otherwise.” 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night” Seokjin scoffed quietly, but you could tell by his face he was visibly irritated. Maybe. He felt like a stranger right now. “Believe what you want.” 

“I will because it’s a fact.” 

Seokjin’s chest heaved with anger, breathing heavily as he failed to keep calm. “I didn’t leave sooner because I wanted Arin to be happy!” His voice broke with emotion. “I wanted to stay together for Arin’s sake.” 

“And look how bitter that made you.” Nana laughed, her eyes quickly finding yours again, remembering you existed. “Are you taking notes?” She folded her arms across her chest. “This is what will happen. He’ll promise you the world and then a few years later hate your guts.” 

You looked at the floor, unable to rebuff her claims even if you wanted to. Your thoughts slipped to last night, out on the deck… The way Seokjin had held you, gazed at you, the words he’d said... I want to give you the world. It was silly to let Nana’s words sting, but they did, nevertheless. Last night felt like a lifetime ago.

You felt a strong arm embrace you, wrapping around your shoulders as Seokjin held you to him. It did little to comfort you. Your head was whirring, thoughts swarming you. “Y/N is nothing like you, so don’t.” He warned, glaring across at Nana. “Don’t you dare try to compare our relationship to the one I had with you.” 

Nana laughed loudly, her face contorting as she yelled. “What am I like then, Jin? Go on! Tell me! I’m so fucking curious!” 

“You’re a cold, heartless cow who can’t even be bothered to be a mother to her own daughter!” His words flew out as if they’d been impatiently waiting for the opportunity. 

“Seokjin!” You exclaimed in shock, spinning your head to look at him. He was letting his emotions rule his head, so much so, he didn’t even bat an eyelid at your voice, continuing his tirade. 

His arm let you go as he stepped closer to his ex-wife. “Do you know why Arin probably felt so comfortable calling Y/N her stepmom?” It was a question not meant to be answered. “It’s because she’s been there for her these past few months. Where have you been, huh? She’s so used to you cancelling plans that she always expects the worse.” 

You were gobsmacked, unsure what had just left his mouth as you tried to make sense of his words. He couldn’t be comparing you both. He couldn’t be using you to hurt Nana. Right? 

“That’s not fair, I haven’t cancelled in weeks.” Nana’s voice was quiet, a far cry from her earlier volume, and you took a glance, noticing that her wide eyes were shining in the sunlight that streamed through the window. She seemed smaller now, less imposing. 

“Bravo,” Seokjin spat, beginning to slowly clap his hands. “What do you want, a round of applause?” 

“I can’t help it I’m busy with work. That’s why we agreed she’d live with you.” Nana sounded clearly upset now, Seokjin’s words striking a nerve. You couldn’t help but feel bad for her. 

“And I’m not busy?!” Seokjin wasn’t done. “Your excuses don’t work on me. They never have.” 

“I love my daughter. Don’t you dare try to insinuate otherwise.” 

Seokjin wasn’t listening. “You came here just to create a scene. You didn’t think about Arin at all, did you? You made her give you all the details just to twist the knife in. That’s all you care about. You can’t handle the thought of me being happy because you’re so goddamn miserable!” 

“Just come out and say it, Jin!” She shouted, arms out. “You think I’m a terrible mother.” 

With a casual shrug of his shoulders, he replied, “I never said that, but if the shoe fits.” 

The silence that followed was deafening. You could feel your pulse pounding in your ears, a sick feeling turning your stomach. You didn’t want to be here anymore. You didn’t want to be involved in this shouting match. You didn’t want to see your boyfriend this angry, you didn’t want to hear him speak like this. 

Eventually, Nana’s voice pierced through the silence. It wavered but she kept her cool, head held up high. “Well, thank you, Jin. Thank you so much for finally telling me how you feel. How very brave of you. Finally.” 

You watched as she straightened her jacket and smoothed down her hair, and then she took a step forward. She was heading for the door. 

“That’s it?” Seokjin scoffed, his voice hoarse. “You’re leaving without saying goodbye to your daughter?”

Nana didn’t reply, she didn’t even look at him, just carried on walking out of the room. You heard her heels against the tiles of the hallway, steps retreating. 

“You really have no shame!” He called after her as you both heard the front door open, and then it clicked shut. “Fuck!” 

You jumped at the sudden raise of tone, watching him kick the footrest beside the chair across the room in temper. He had his back to you, his shoulders shuddering with his heavy breathing. You swallowed, feeling your throat dry but you couldn’t say anything. This was all new to you. This side of your relationship, this side of Seokjin. Actually, this whole situation was unlike anything you’d been involved in before. You’d had your fair share of relationship drama in the past, that was a given, but this… You were in over your head. This wasn’t about you. This was a situation involving Seokjin and Nana. You didn’t know what to say or do to make it better. In all honesty, you didn’t even want to try. 

“Daddy?” 

The tiny voice from behind startled you both, and you whipped your head around to see Arin in the doorway. Her eyes were pulled wide, worried and confused. It made your heart hurt. A small part of you couldn’t help but feel to blame. 

“Did mommy leave?” She asked, her gaze on her father, who was staring blankly ahead. 

“Yes, she did,” was all he said, stunning you in the process. 

“Seokjin, you can’t just say it like that!” You exclaimed, looking at him properly for the first time. Arin had walked into the room by now, hovering by your side, a hand to her mouth as she flicked her thumbnail over her teeth nervously.   

Seokjin’s eyes met yours, refocusing before something flickered inside of them – realisation. He looked down at his daughter, voice softening instantly. “She had to go home, Arin. Something came up.” 

You could tell by her face she didn’t quite believe him. She was a bright kid, not that you thought Seokjin was undermining her intelligence, but she knew something was wrong and you didn’t think it was fair to just gloss over the issue. 

“Why don’t you watch some cartoons?” He suggested, guiding her to the sofa. “I’ll make you something to drink. What would you like?” 

She gave him a small smile as he passed her the remote control. “Hot chocolate, please.” 

The tiniest of smiles lifted the corners of his mouth too. “Okay, one hot chocolate coming right up.” He turned to you, a hand brushing yours for a brief second, voice low as he asked you a question. “Can you stay with her?”

Your nod was barely there, and you watched him walk out, heading for the kitchen. After a moment’s delay, you joined Arin on the sofa, attention on the television, watching the cartoon characters bounce around the screen, but you were in a world of your own. Arin’s voice’s tore you from it, her question rattling you. 

“Why did she go?” 

“I don’t know.” You hated yourself for lying to her but it wasn’t your place to explain. Especially not now given the circumstances. Your thoughts were captured once more. Nana had been clueless to your existence this whole time. Had you been a fool to assume otherwise? 

“Did they argue?” 

Your eyes fell to Arin’s, wanting to embrace her but thought better of it. You’d have to reassure her another way. With words. If you could. “It’s nothing to worry about, okay?” You smiled, the action stiff. “They’re just a bit angry at one another.” 

“Because of me?”

Her question broke your heart. You shook your head hastily. “Of course not.” 

She didn’t respond, turning back to the TV. She didn’t seem visibly upset, nothing like earlier, but maybe this was worse. She seemed despondent, quiet. You were reminded of when you were a kid, hearing your parents argue nonstop before their divorce. At times you used to feel at fault too. 

“I’m sorry I called you my stepmom, I didn’t know it was wrong.” As she spoke she kept staring at the television, voice quiet. 

“Arin, it’s okay, sweetie,” you told her, this time unable to stop yourself from wrapping an arm around her shoulders. You wanted to comfort her. She needed comforting. “You’ve done nothing wrong at all.” 

You knew what children were like together. The conversation she’d had with her friend had been innocent. She’d had no clue what the weight of such a word could mean, or even do. None of this was her fault. 

You held her for a while, getting consoled yourself almost as well, but time was passing and Seokjin hadn’t come back with her hot chocolate. You glanced at the clock on the wall, he’d been gone fifteen minutes. “I’m going to check on daddy,” you said, pulling away gently. “To see what he’s done with your hot chocolate.” You tried to joke around but your laugh sounded forced. Arin nodded, giving you a tiny smile as you stood up. “I’ll be back soon, okay?” 

You found him in the kitchen, leaning against one of the counters as he held a glass of whiskey in his hand. Arin’s drink wasn’t even half made. Irritation flooded your senses for a moment. You got that he was upset, angry, maybe even a little dazed by the situation, but he still needed to pull himself together and be there for his daughter. Drinking at two o’clock in the afternoon was unacceptable. 

However when he saw you, his expression softened into worry, concern colouring his tone as he asked, “Is she okay?”

You swallowed down your frustration, but once again your mind was beginning to whir. You had so many questions, so many answers that you needed, but now wasn’t the time. He needed to make sure Arin was settled and then you both could talk. 

You walked further into the room, speaking as you went. “She’s upset. She thinks she did something wrong, that’s why you and Nana argued.” 

Seokjin sounded regretful when he sighed. His eyes closed, fingers tightening around the tumbler. “Do you think she heard any of it?”

In a clipped voice you replied. “I hope not.” 

Hearing your tone he opened his eyes, coming to his senses almost. “I’m sorry,” he breathed, placing his drink down on the counter. He moved towards you, a hand ghosting over your back. “Are you okay?” Despite his tone of voice being one you were familiar with, his concern did little to console you. All you could do was nod your head.  

“Don’t take any notice of her, okay?” He continued, his voice slowly changing again. “This is what she does. She pushes and pushes. She can’t stand–”

“Seokjin, enough,” you begged, exhausted. You could hear him becoming more and more irate. 

The hand on your back froze and then dropped to his side. “Are you sticking up for her?” He more or less accused. 

“What?” You looked at him, baffled. “Of course I’m not. You just need to calm down. I know you’re angry but your daughter needs you right now.” 

His features smoothed out and he stepped back, rubbing a hand over his face. “You’re right.” He sounded apologetic. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” You watched as he walked towards the fridge, getting out a carton of milk to pour inside Arin’s mug, chocolate powder waiting. He mixed it together with a spoon and placed it in the microwave, setting the timer. As it whirled around, you spoke again. “We can talk about it later.” 

There was silence as he placed the milk back inside the refrigerator. He closed the door. “Are you mad at me?” 

“No.” 

He didn’t believe you. Turning back he folded his arms across his chest, staring at you. “She’s gotten under your skin, hasn’t she? That’s what she does.” 

You heard yourself sigh. You didn’t want to do this now. Not with Arin just down the hallway. Why was he being so insistent? Your mind flew through the tonne of questions you wanted to unleash his way, but one slipped from your mouth before you could stop it. Before you could even acknowledge your own words. 

“Did she really cheat on you?” 

Seokjin looked taken aback, whatever he’d been expecting, it wasn’t that. Maybe you should have gotten your priorities straight, but stood in front of him right now, you felt deceived. You watched as he gave you a brief nod. Your heart dropped. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He lifted his shoulders, not meeting your eyes. “It wasn’t a big deal.” 

“Not a big deal?” Your voice raised and you willed yourself to keep it down. “It seems like it was the reason you divorced her, Seokjin.” 

The microwaved beeped but you both ignored it. “It was over long before then.” He chuckled humourlessly. “She was right, I was a coward.”

A part of you wanted details but you knew right now wasn’t the time or the place. Besides, you didn’t think he’d share anyway. 

“Is that why you’re mad? Because I didn’t tell you?” He sounded worried, regretful, some other emotions you couldn’t think of right now. 

You sighed softly. “I’m not mad, Seokjin. I’m just… I didn’t know.” 

He went to step forward, to walk towards you but stopped himself. “I’m sorry, I should have told you. Especially with–”

“It’s fine,” you cut him off quickly, not wanting to hear the words you knew he was going to say out loud. You couldn’t bear it. You’d told him about Donghae in a bid to open up – because you trusted him. Why hadn’t Seokjin told you about Nana? You couldn’t help but feel betrayed. You didn’t know if you were being fair or not. 

“I should go and check on Arin,” he said suddenly, moving to the microwave to open it up. “Thank you for taking care of her. It’s more than her own mother could do, and she’s the one who caused this whole mess.” 

“Don’t,” you whispered, closing your eyes. He wasn’t going to do it again. “Don’t do that. Compare us.” Seokjin looked your way, confused now. “I don’t know Nana. I don’t know what your marriage was like, not really, and I don’t know what her relationship with Arin is like. You shouldn’t have said those things to her. She was obviously upset.” 

You understood that people spoke out in anger, that words just flew out, no matter how small the thought was, but it wasn’t an excuse. He was still emotional, but all you wanted him to see was the bigger picture. 

“I don’t care,” he brushed off. “She needed to hear a few home truths.” 

You scoffed. “And you used me to really drive them in, didn’t you?” You continued regardless of his frown. “It’s not a competition. I’m your girlfriend. I’m not even Arin’s stepmother. We haven’t talked about that yet,” – Seokjin went to speak over you but you stopped him with a hand in the air – “and I know Arin made an innocent mistake, but it obviously hurt Nana. She had no clue I existed, Seokjin. Not one!” 

He did look guilty at that, dropping his gaze, but you weren’t done. “You can be mad because of how she acted but you’re also at fault…” 

“I know,” he murmured. “I know that and I’m sorry.” 

You weren’t the only one he should be apologising to, but by now you were too exhausted to keep this up. You couldn’t stay here, not when you were sure it would end in an argument. You didn’t want to fight with him. You needed space to think. On your own. 

“I should go.” You told him, noticing his face wrinkle up in confusion. 

He was in front of you immediately, clutching your hand. “Y/N, wait,” his voice was unsteady, “You don’t have to go. I’m really sorry that I made you uncomfortable.” 

You appreciated his sincerity, and had no doubts that he meant his apology, but it still wasn’t enough to get you to stay. An I’m sorry wasn’t what you needed. It wasn’t as simple as that. 

“Honey, please,” he begged softly. “This is me with all my baggage. I’m not perfect.” 

Your brow furrowed. “I never thought you were, Seokjin.” This wasn’t about your so called flawless vision of him. He was human, just like you. Yes, seeing him mad like that had shaken you up at first but it wasn’t why you were leaving. Nor were you leaving because of the situation. Everyone had a history, or “baggage” as Seokjin chose to call it. It didn’t change how you felt about him. It was all just very overwhelming. 

You put your other hand over his, silently telling him to let you go. Above all else he needed to spend time with his daughter. “Go and check on Arin. She’s waiting for her hot chocolate.” You told him softly.  

He clasped your hand tighter. “Please don’t go.” 

“I just need some space to think.” You admitted. 

He watched you for a moment, eyes glassy – you expected yours were too – but ever the gentleman he respected your wishes and didn’t press you any further, no matter how much he wanted to plead with you to stay. Deep down he probably knew it was the right thing to do. If you stayed now no good would come from it. You could speak about everything when you were both ready. Whenever that was.

With a tight nod he slipped his hand from yours. You gave him a soft smile and turned your back to him. He had no choice but to watch you leave. 

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

[floralseokjin]

⤑ made-up love song ix.

Your first encounter with Kim Seokjin doesn’t go so well, nor your second, or your third… and maybe that’s because it shouldn’t work on paper. You’re an elementary school teacher, never left the country despite hitting the third decade of your life not so long ago, and you’re unable to remember the last time you dated. He’s the dad of one of your students, nearly a decade older than you and divorced. Oh yes, and just another minor detail – he’s a multimillionaire. 

Your lives are lightyears apart, yet somehow, your paths having now crossed, things just seem to fall into place…

pairing; kim seokjin x reader   au/genre/warnings; strangers to lovers, romance, single dad! seokjin, ceo! seokjin, elementary school teacher! oc, age gap (oc is 30, seokjin is 37), seokjin is a dilf, angst, soojung and oc’s mother being the best, minor food mention (not feeling hungry when stressed), hope, the tiniest bit of fluff, a cliffhanger of sorts!  words; 6,161 

Read Seokjin’s chapter ix here

↪︎ chapter index

chapters; i • ii • iii  • iv • v • vi • vii • viii • ix • x • epilogue (+ drabbles)

Soojung found you curled up on the sofa a few hours later when she came home from work. You’d tried watching television, hoping the distraction would be successful but your mind just wouldn’t switch off, replaying the day’s earlier events. You didn’t want to think just yet but that’s all your mind could do. Going around and around in circles. Hearing Soojung’s keys in the door you felt a wave of nausea knowing you’d have to talk about it. Not that you didn’t want to confide in your best friend, it was just explaining everything meant that it was all real… 

She stuck her head around the door, sounding momentarily confused. “What are you doing back already? I wasn’t expecting you until la– Y/N?” She caught the look on your face immediately and just like she knew something was up. She rushed over. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Instantly you felt your face crumble, tears blurring your vision. “It’s stupid really,” you insisted, wiping your eyes as she came to join you, a protective arm wrapping around your shoulders. The small action at least made you feel a little better. “I don’t understand why I’m crying.” You hadn’t felt the need to cry until now. Maybe it was because you could always be vulnerable with your best friend. You didn’t need to be strong. She’d seen you at your worst. 

“Did…Did you guys argue?” She sounded unsure, confused as to what could be the issue. 

You sniffed, composing yourself. “No. Not really,” you let out a groan, “oh, god, Soo. It was awful. Seokjin’s ex-wife turned up…” 

You spent the next fifteen minutes telling her what happened, although a lot of it was a blur of raised voices and insults. One thing you knew for certain though, was that you’d never felt so awkward in your entire life. You’d watched your boyfriend arguing with his ex-wife feeling so incredibly out of the loop it was embarrassing. 

You’d never demanded to know every single detail about his marriage – you hadn’t even wanted to know. It wasn’t your business after all, nor did you want Seokjin to relive things he didn’t want to, or dwell on the past. You understood that more than anyone, what with your relationship with Donghae, but he’d openly revealed a lot to you. He’d confided in you, shared some hurtful details of his divorce and in turn you had entrusted him with your own past, your own bad memories… 

There had been many surprises this afternoon, but one certain revelation kept replaying in your head. It was all you could think about. To learn he’d left out something as major as getting cheated on… Having to find out like that… You were still reeling from the bombshell. Why hadn’t he told you? You’d both been through the same thing�� Didn’t he trust you enough? You didn’t understand and you couldn’t stop yourself from feeling hurt. 

“You don’t think he’s still in love with her, do you?” Soojung asked hesitantly. 

“No,” you shook your head. Regardless of the mess that were your thoughts right now, you didn’t think that at all. Yes, it was easy to let your doubts take over in the first few moments you’d set eyes on Nana, she was beautiful, although you hadn’t expected anything less, but you knew not to feel paranoid when it came to that. Regardless of today’s shock, you didn’t doubt Seokjin’s feelings for you, and you knew very well he no longer loved his ex-wife. 

“I think he’s just very bitter about everything,” you continued. “Mostly about how infrequently she sees Arin.” 

“Do you think it’s a problem?” 

Shrugging slightly, you didn’t really know what to say. “She’s been seeing her quite often lately. There was last weekend, but it shouldn’t have been that much of an issue.” Seokjin hadn’t been angry over that, or at least he hadn’t let on he was… Maybe he had and had just hid it well. With that thought, you remembered something. “It was just her face… while Seokjin was saying all those things to her. She looked so upset… I’ve never seen him like that.” 

It had been jarring seeing him so angry. He was usually soft-spoken and well-mannered. Even when he was irritated he stayed silent. You understood that he was only human, everyone had emotions, and his had bubbled over today, but it was still surprising. You hadn’t been expecting to be in the middle of a shouting match between him and his ex-wife. 

“But you knew they didn’t get on?” Soojung gently prodded, rubbing your upper back. 

“Yeah.” You swallowed. “Just seeing it in person… I can’t believe he didn’t tell her about us.” 

Your mind was all over the place, unable to concentrate on one issue for long enough. You really had been living in your own little world this entire time. So incredibly happy and blissfully content. It had been so easy to forget that Nana existed when it came to your relationship with Seokjin. To you, she was just Arin’s mom, who she spoke about sometimes, but not very often, in your presence. It was easy to put her to the back of your mind, it was easy not to think of her at all. Why would you? You didn’t even know what she looked like until today. All the photos you’d seen of a younger Seokjin, of Arin as a baby, had never once included her. You knew who she was, knew her name, but that was all. 

So you’d just assumed she knew about you too. You’d assumed Seokjin had told her without needing any confirmation. You’d assumed she’d known that you would be looking after Arin last weekend. You’d assumed she was perfectly fine with it. In reality she had no clue you existed. You were almost certain Seokjin hadn’t done it maliciously, he wasn’t that type of man, but seeing him today, how casually he had brushed off her concerns… As much as it had hurt to be thought of as a stranger, you understood why that was the case. Seokjin hadn’t. As stubborn as always, he refused to see where he had done wrong. 

“That is a bit odd,” Soojung agreed. “And even though she was a bitch to you, I guess I’d be pissed too if I found out the way she had.” 

You snorted softly. Soojung had been ready to fight when she’d first heard the things Nana had said to you, but she knew you were fine, you could handle yourself. “Ugh, it’s all such a mess,” you groaned. “I would’ve never looked after Arin last weekend if I’d known Nana had no clue.” You should have made sure. Why hadn’t you?

“I guess Seokjin had his reasons,” Soo reasoned. “Maybe he knew how his ex would react.” 

“Maybe,” you agreed before sighing. “I don’t know. There’s things he never told me either.” Maybe you were finding out that Seokjin was a very secretive person, who knew… “She cheated on him, Soo.” You were back there again. Soojung hummed in understanding. “Is it silly of me to be upset?” 

“No, it’s valid.” 

“I told him about Donghae,” you whispered. “I really opened up to him and he was so sweet and understanding. Why didn’t he tell me he’d been through the same thing?” No matter how many times you went through it in your head you couldn’t think of an answer. It didn’t make sense. Especially because he’d opened up to you so easily in regard to everything else. What made this so different?

“Maybe he just didn’t want to make it about him,” Soojung offered. 

“I don’t know… Maybe.” You groaned, thinking you were being selfish. He probably had a good reason when he didn’t tell you. There were more pressing issues right now anyway… You knew that, and immediately your head begin to spin again. 

“The whole stepmom thing,” you muttered, “it’s left me a little frazzled.” 

Soojung kept up with your disorderly thoughts expertly. “In what way?” 

You gave a little shrug, voice barely there because you didn’t want to admit it out loud. “It made me question things…”

“I thought you liked where things were heading?” Your best friend couldn’t hide the shock from her voice. 

“I do,” you replied, “or at least, I did.” Where were things actually heading? You didn’t know anymore. “I just wasn’t really thinking.”

“Of what it all meant?” 

You nodded slowly. “I lost myself for a while.” 

In a way, you had been in your own little bubble for these past few months – you, Seokjin and Arin. You’d had the most amazing summer, falling harder and harder for Seokjin and in the process Arin had captured your whole heart. She was such a sweet little girl, humorous and thoughtful, Seokjin and Nana had brought her up well. Your time together had been incomparable, your happiness unmatched, but in the process you’d ignored a few things. 

“So what are you saying?” Soojung asked gently. 

Your throat felt dry. “I’m afraid it’s all moving too fast.” 

It was a lot to take in. You had been together barely four months but here you were thinking about the word stepmom. How scary the word sounded, how scary it felt…

“You want to slow it down?”

“It’s probably too late for that,” you chuckled quietly. You felt your heart squeeze. “Soojung, I think I’m in love with him.” 

It felt almost relieving to confess such a thing, despite your heavy heart over today. Your feelings had been harder and harder to ignore these past couple of weeks, but you’d tried your best, not wanting to rush anything. Right now you were confused and hurt, but one thing was blatantly clear. You loved him. 

“It’s scary,” you whispered, feeling Soo rub your back again, listening silently. “Falling so fast.” Especially after everything you’d been through with Donghae. You were scared. Despite opening up your heart to Seokjin easily, this was different. Things seemed so complicated now, when not six hours ago they had been nothing more than simple. 

“Today was a massive reality check,” you scoffed. “I’ve been spending these past few months playing house with Seokjin and Arin, it was bound to catch up with us sometime.” 

“You liked it though,” your best friend encouraged, voice gentle. “I’ve never seen you so happy… Not since… Well, not even then.” 

“Everything just felt so… perfect,” you agreed. Everything had slotted into place easily. “And natural, and just, nice.” For lack of a better word. Your brain was pulp. 

“Arin obviously felt comfortable enough to call you her stepmom in front of her own mom?” You didn’t even notice Soojung’s change of direction. 

“I don’t know, I think she was just confused. You know what kids are like together. She heard her friend talking about it and they probably got excited.”

“Would you like to be her stepmom?”

You paused then, realising what had just happened. She knew you well, knew what was bothering you, conflicting your mind. You gave her a small smile. “She’s a sweet child, but it’s not that simple right now. It’s not only my decision either.” 

Truthfully you hadn’t thought about it before today, but now it was one of the things at the forefront of your mind. If everything worked out okay then you and Seokjin would only grow more serious. From strength to strength and what did that mean? However, now you knew that Nana wasn’t exactly your biggest fan… You felt fresh frustration, deflated yet again. Today had gone terrible. 

“You’re right,” Soojung agreed, “but it’s something you need to be comfortable with too.” 

That was true. These were things you needed to talk about with Seokjin. Then again, maybe you should’ve talked about them before. You had no clue how he felt regarding the topic, well… not explicitly anyway. 

“Seokjin comparing the both of us made me feel horrendous.” You found yourself admitting. “I’m not trying to be Arin’s mother. I wasn’t even trying to be her stepmother. Not yet. I haven’t thought about it until now. I just… I loved being a part of her life in my own little way.” 

You never wanted to replace Nana. You hated thinking like this, but what if Seokjin had been looking for that the whole time? A new mother for his daughter… You were almost positive that wasn’t the case, but you were so drained right now, your mind was all over the place. You kept replaying in your head what he had shouted at Nana over and over again. 

“He can’t expect you to take on that role, not when she already has a mother,” Soojung said carefully. “But you can be there for Arin in other ways – in similar ways. You’ve been teaching and caring for kids for years, so I hope you’re not undermining your capabilities.” 

You smiled then, grateful, leaning on her shoulder. “Thank you.” You definitely weren’t doing that but being a teacher and a mother were two totally different things. Especially when it wasn’t your biological child. 

“Ugh, I’m just exhausted,” you groaned, laying back against the sofa and shutting your eyes. “My head’s a mess.” You didn’t want to talk about it any longer, switching off sounded really good right now and Soojung understood that perfectly. 

She tapped your arm. “I’m going to cancel my plans with Tae.” You opened your eyes, mouth open ready to fight. “He’ll be fine.” She insisted. “Me and you are gonna get takeout and ice cream and just stop thinking. We’re going to pull the One Tree Hill boxset out and pretend we’re still in high school.” 

You weren’t going to lie, that did sound like fun. It was also foolproof. You’d been doing it since you were seventeen, when Soojung had got dumped for the first time. “Great idea.” 

She leaned in for a hug. “You told him you need space to think, so that’s what you’re going to do. But not tonight. No rush.” 

As she pulled back you took her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “I love you.” 

“And I love you,” she grinned. “Now, let me grab my phone.”  

You woke up early the next morning, like really early, 5am, which wasn’t ideal seeing as you’d struggled to get to sleep the night before. Your mind and heart felt heavy, but you forced yourself to get up and shower because there was no point trying to fall back to sleep for an hour. You had school, and that meant you had to try your best to look presentable for the kids – and happy. A bunch of 6-7 year olds were scarily talented at reading an adult’s mood you’d come to find out. 

You didn’t eat much of your breakfast, which wasn’t a surprise because when you were stressed or sad you never felt practically hungry anyway, and left for work long before Soojung even had a chance to wake up, thinking your classroom so early in the morning might give you some sense of clarity. Either that or stop the buzzing of your thoughts that couldn’t seem to keep away. The change of scenery would hopefully do you some good.   

You were at your desk trying to organise your planner for the week ahead, 7:04am, when your cell phone began buzzing. You looked across at the device, face up a few inches away from you and felt your stomach squeeze. Filling the screen was a picture of Seokjin and you at an amusement park he’d dragged you to over the summer, like the big kid he was at heart. Seeing his smiley face made your heart hurt. You thought about leaving it ring, you could pretend you were busy and let him leave a message, but no matter how much you wanted to do it, you couldn’t. 

The phone felt heavy in your hand as you picked up. Your voice didn’t sound like yours. “Hello.” 

“Y/N,” he breathed, sounding somewhat relieved. You had taken a while to make your decision. “Are you free to talk?”

He sounded tired and unlike his usual self, and a part of you wanted to rush over and talk to him in person, to check in on him and see how he was doing, because as much as yesterday hadn’t been nice for you, it hadn’t been too great for him either… However, you knew that was a bad idea, you’d said you had needed time. A few hours wasn’t that. 

“Um, yeah,” you replied, opening your mouth again to remind him about what you’d said yesterday, but already he was rushing forward, eager to say his piece. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call last night, I guess… I guess I needed time too.” He sounded hesitant, and you didn’t have the heart to tell him you had never been expected (nor wanting) a phone call. “Do you want to meet up for lunch?”

Your voice was gentle. “I don’t think that’s a good idea today.” Maybe he’d misunderstood you, you needed longer, besides, things weren’t going to get sorted out in under an hour during your lunch break from work. It wasn’t as simple as that – you wished it was. 

There was a pause his side, then – “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”

“Seokjin, I’m not mad,” you sighed softly. “I’m just…” What were you? Frustrated more than anything. It was hard to explain. In a way you felt sorry for him, but you also felt sorry for Nana. “I have a lot of questions that I don’t think I’m ready to ask just yet.” 

His voice was careful as he asked you, “When do you think you will be ready?”

“I don’t know,” you told him truthfully. “I need time to think and it’s pretty hard when I have work all week.” Neglecting your job was foolish – impossible to think of, actually. 

“I understand.” Of course he did. He was nothing but understanding when it came to you and your relationship together. That’s the Seokjin you knew and adored… the one you loved… 

“Is Arin okay?” You found yourself asking. You knew you should probably say your goodbyes, but you’d woken up feeling terribly guilty that you’d just upped and left her like that yesterday. “I’m sorry I ran off without saying goodbye to her.” 

“She’s doing okay, I tried telling…” He trailed off suddenly, and you guessed he thought he was overstepping the mark. The mark you’d put in place. “She asked where you went, I said something came up.” 

“Oh.” You’d thought about popping your head around the door and saying goodbye yesterday but just couldn’t do it. You hated to think she’d thought you had left her too. “I really am sorry about that.”  

“Y/N, it’s fine. Please never be sorry,” he murmured softly. 

You smiled sadly at his sentiment. “Are you okay?” You shouldn’t really ask, not when you needed to hang up and take that space you both needed, but you couldn’t help yourself. It felt wrong not to check in. 

“Could be better,” he chuckled slightly. You appreciated his honesty. “You?” 

“The same.” There was no point pretending. “I think some space will do us good. Let’s just think about everything and then we can talk.” 

“Okay,” he agreed simply. There wasn’t much else he could say. If he disagreed in any way you knew he would never tell you. He wanted to respect your wishes. 

“I’ll call you towards the end of the week?” You could get through the work week, have some time to yourself in the evenings and then meet up on Saturday. 

“Yeah, that sounds good. I agree.” Yet, he sounded a little dejected. 

“Okay.” You had to leave it at that. “I gotta go,” you told him, even though you were in no rush to leave for work, already in your classroom. 

“Of course, bye, Y/N.” You heard some background noise and then a familiar voice in the background – Misook. As it was for you, life went on. Arin had to get ready for school, he had to get ready for work… You couldn’t both wallow in self-pity all day. “Take care,” he told you. It sounded awkward, as if he didn’t know what to say. 

“Bye, Seokjin.” You felt just the same. Even right at the beginning your phone conversations had never been this wooden. 

You hung up first, and then there was silence, except for the ticking of the clock on the wall opposite. You watched the red second hand move, feeling as if it was mocking you.

The week was slow. It was an average one, but it dragged by. On Monday you had to sit through the usual chitchat inside the teacher’s lounge during lunch, catching up on everyone’s weekends. When Eunbi asked how yours had gone you’d breezed past it, expertly changing the subject to her weekend visiting Jungkook’s parents. Other than that, there was really no need for Seokjin to come up in conversation, which you were thankful for. You spent the rest of the week busy with the children, staying behind a lot later than usual just because it was easier inside your classroom. 

At home you found yourself missing Seokjin like crazy. Ever since your first date you’d been in regular contact throughout the week, and then when things had gotten serious, you’d spoken to him every day – even if it was just on the phone in the evenings once school started back. For all contact to be gone was strange. You hated it, felt as if a part of you was missing. But you knew it needed to be done. As the days went (dragged) by you no longer felt overwhelmed by Sunday’s events. The shock had worn off and you had time to dissect it all, whether it be over dinner on your own when Soo was working late, or when you were in bed for the night, waiting to drop off. The more you broke it down the easier it was to place things in different categories. All the things that had shocked you, the things that had hurt you, and then finally, the things that had made you feel guilty. 

On Thursday night you promised your mom you’d have dinner with her. Jonathon was abroad visiting his children and she hadn’t been able to get time off work to join him. She was bored at home all alone, so you really couldn’t say no despite a part of you wanting to. Before you arrived you’d made the decision not to tell her about your…what could you call it? It was hardly an argument with Seokjin. A disagreement..? Whatever it was, you didn’t want to worry her. After all this time she was over the moon you’d finally met someone you really cared about and you knew it was stupid, but you didn’t want to make her worry.  

However, that all went out the window as soon as she opened the door to you. She was your mom for crying out loud, who could you confide in if it wasn’t her? She listened to you attentively. All your thoughts, all your worries – even if the potatoes were at risk of cremating, and it felt good to have your mother by your side. 

“Seokjin is a lovely man, anyone can see that, but he’s allowed his flaws. He’s only human,” she reasoned, your conversation coming back to the way he’d acted around Nana. You knew your mother was right, and you were in no way judging him for it, but it had been very jarring seeing him change so suddenly. “Obviously he and his ex-wife bring out the worst in each other. Sounds to me as if they’re so used to hurting one another it’s become the norm.” 

You nodded in silent agreement, thinking back to them hurling abuse at one another as if it was the most natural thing. In a way it had turned into a competition. Who could hurt one other the most. In the end, Seokjin had dealt the final blow. You. You could still see the hurt on Nana’s face now, even though it was days ago. It made your chest heavy all over again. You told your mom just as much. 

“There’s no need to feel so guilty, love,” she told you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “None of this is your fault. Seokjin, whether it was intentionally or unintentionally, used you as a way to hurt Nana, and you need to tell him that you’re not okay with that.” 

That was the part that had hurt the most now that you’d had enough time to think. Above all else, not telling Nana about you, the catalyst that led to his divorce, it was being used as some kind of weapon that stuck out. You had never wanted that. You had never asked for it. 

“You are his girlfriend first and foremost.” Your mom continued. “Yes, you care for Arin but these things need to be spoken about first. You have never wanted to be, nor felt like you were the child’s mother. You know your boundaries and so should he.” 

She was correct. You’d been so hesitant not to overstep the mark these past few months. You’d even been in two minds whether or not to offer to babysit Arin that weekend. You’d thought Seokjin understood that, your cautiousness when it came to the role you played in her life. After all, your relationship was still new, and Nana was very much a part of Arin’s life. However he had disregarded that all to throw a few cheap shots. 

Your conversation shifted to Arin then. It was easy to sympathise with her, after all you’d been in her shoes once. Parents who seemed to fight more than they did talk. It had gotten better for you though, their relationship turning amiable once the divorce had settled. For Arin, it seemed to be only getting worse. You wished you could talk some sense into Seokjin. He might’ve thought that Arin was okay with her parents barely having any contact but you knew that wasn’t the case. It had been very telling to hear that Arin never brought Seokjin up in conversation with her own mother. That’s why it had taken Nana so long to find out about you. Deep down that little girl knew that her mom didn’t want to hear her dad’s name, and that was heart breaking. 

Somewhere along the way, your mom asked you what you thought about Arin calling you her stepmother. Despite it being done innocently, the weight of the word meant so much more to the adults in the situation and you agreed. It had been strange to hear, and not just because it had come from Nana’s mouth. You were serious about Seokjin and could see a future with him, and that meant being in Arin’s life permanently. That word wasn’t so farfetched and you’d had plenty of time to think about it this week. What it meant for you, Arin, and of course Nana. 

“How did you feel when dad first met Dahae?” You asked your mom. These things had never really come up in conversation before, which was surprising, but right now you needed any advice and insight you could get. Your mom had been in Nana’s shoes once after all. All those years ago. 

“I was…happy for him,” she replied hesitantly. “It took time. It’s a confusing thing. I no longer loved your father but it felt strange to see him with someone else. Of course, everyone is different. Not one relationship is the same,” she added. 

You nodded in understanding. Your father had met Dahae, his wife, when you were twelve. You had grown up with her and it didn’t feel odd to think of her as a second mom. You still called her by her name but when in conversation with others you often referred to her as your stepmom. Always had, for as long as you could remember. Maybe it was after the wedding, but you couldn’t be too sure. Definitely before she gave birth to your siblings though. 

It was different with Jonathon. He’d always been “your mother’s husband” and not because you didn’t care for him or think he was a lovely man. He was, and you liked him very much, it was just… You were an adult when you met him, twenty to be exact, living across the country for college. The bond wasn’t quite there like it was with Dahae, but your mom understood that – so did Jonathon. But it made you pause and think. You’d never asked your mom how she felt hearing you call Dahae your stepmother. It had never crossed your mind until now. 

“I didn’t like the idea at first, I have to admit, but who would?” She confessed. “It’s hard not to feel hurt or threatened, a whole load of different emotions,” she gave a small shrug, “but meeting Dahae, and seeing how kind a woman she was, and how much you meant to her made me see things differently.” 

You smiled, silently hoping that one Nana would think and feel the same way when it came to you. You could only cross your fingers and try your best in the meantime. 

Your mom nudged you, a playful lilt to her voice. “I think you’re very lucky to have two wonderful women in your life that love you and want the best for you – and yes, that’s a brag on my part.” 

You laughed with her, but your worries were getting the best of you again, turning you sombre. “What if Nana never accepts me though?” 

“I think you should only think about that if it happens,” she replied. “There’s no point expecting the worst right now.” 

You still didn’t feel very hopeful though, it was probably written all over your face. Sweeping some hair out of your eyes, your mother’s voice was soft. “Love, she had no idea you existed, I think her anger was warranted.” A pause, tone changing. “Although, not at you. I’m not very happy about that.” 

You chuckled at that. “It’s fine. You know I can look after myself.” You were feisty when you wanted to be, or scrappy as Seokjin had so comically put it once. 

Wrapping an arm around you once more, she squeezed you gently. “Talk to him.” She urged. “You miss him. This time apart is getting pointless, you already know how you feel.” 

You did. Your feelings were as strong as ever. 

You had been itching to pick up the phone last night and just call him already, but you’d said Saturday. You only had one day left at work, you could hold out until then. It would be better that way, you didn’t want to interrupt a potentially busy day. Friday’s were often crazy for him, you didn’t want to be a distraction. 

However, come morning break you bumped into Hoseok coming out of your classroom, eager to rush to your car and grab the apple that must have rolled out of your bag and onto the seat. (Hopefully – if it was on the floor it was going in the trash ASAP). 

“Hi, Y/N. How are you today?” He politely asked. 

“Fine, thank you.” Talking with Hoseok always came easily, regardless of his position as the principal. “Glad it’s the weekend tomorrow. How about you?” 

“My thoughts exactly,” he laughed, before adding, “Although, I hear Arin’s started hers early.” 

“Oh?” You were immediately lost. Had you missed something? You hadn’t seen Arin at school all week, which wasn’t strange. Your paths rarely crossed these days unless you were on yard duty, and if you were being honest, you were glad it hadn’t been this week. She must have had an inkling something was wrong right now, she hadn’t seen you at all since Sunday, so you were relieved to know you didn’t have to answer any awkward questions. It was selfish, you knew that, but you couldn’t help it. 

Hoseok looked confused by your reaction, but carried on regardless, shaking it off. “Seokjin called up yesterday, said she’d be visiting her mom earlier this weekend if it was possible. I figured maybe you and he had plans for tonight.” 

You froze, forcing yourself to reply because your boss was waiting for one. “Oh, no.” You swallowed, coming up blank. “No plans.” 

If Hoseok noticed your woodenness he didn’t let on. “One day couldn’t possibly hurt her education, right? But don’t tell the board I said that,” he added with a laugh. 

You made yourself join in, although your mind was racing. “Secret’s safe with me.” 

He smiled at you, giving you a nod. “Enjoy your weekend, alright? See you Monday.” 

Thank God he had somewhere to be. You nodded back, watching him already begin to walk away. “And you, Hoseok.” 

You proceeded to sit in your car for twenty minutes, half eaten apple already turning brown as you racked your brain. It wasn’t Nana’s weekend to have Arin. Was something wrong? You were probably being silly, conjuring up the worst case scenarios for no reason. If something had happened, Seokjin would have contacted you. He knew he could always count on you, but… You had told him you needed space and he’d agreed. He was a man of his word, so if something had happened, what if he thought he couldn’t call you?

You pulled your phone out of your bag at the thought, clicking on his contact but stopped yourself when you saw the time. You had just under five minutes to be back at class… I’m being irrational, you told yourself. If something was wrong he would have informed Hoseok, and the principal sounded absolutely fine. You were worrying for no reason. If something had happened, something bad, he wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to you. You knew that, and so did he. Only a few more hours and you’d get to talk to him. Most of those involved sleep. You could wait until tomorrow morning. You could. 

.

.

You couldn’t. 

It was half 9 and you were home alone. It was Soojung and Taehyung’s date night and she was spending the night at his place, so all you had for company were your own thoughts – and RJ, the alpaca plush Seokjin had won for all those months previous. You couldn’t possibly wait until tomorrow, your mom was right, what was the point in waiting when you knew how you felt. You wanted to see Seokjin, to talk to him and feel him. You missed him like crazy. 

Turning the television down low you grabbed for your phone which had slipped in between the sofa cushions. This time you didn’t hesitate, no work commitments calling your name, and dialled Seokjin’s number straight away. He picked up after only two rings. 

 “Y/N,” he breathed, sounding more than surprised. 

“Hey, you,” you smiled into the receiver. It felt good to hear his voice again. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to call tonight.” 

“Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” 

“Of course not. Well,” he paused to laugh, “I was just about to head to bed.” 

He sounded a lot like his usual self tonight, it eased your mind. You laughed along softly, a confession slipping past your lips. “I was going to wait until tomorrow but Soojung is with Taehyung tonight and being alone means I can’t stop thinking about you.” 

You heard a sigh of relief his end. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all week.” The longing in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. “Are you ready to talk? I’m willing to answer any questions you have.” 

“I’m ready,” you nodded. “Should I come over? I don’t want to do this over the phone.” 

“I can come to you?” He suggested instead. “Arin’s with Nana until Sunday.” 

“Oh.” You thought to ask him how come, but stopped yourself, you could get to that in person. He didn’t sound upset, which you took as a good sign. “Okay. Now?” 

“It’s not too late?” He checked. 

“No, it’s fine.” You were eager, shaking you head as you replied, and you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. “I really want to see you.” 

You could hear his smile too. “I’ll be there soon, okay? Really soon.” You heard his footsteps along the floor, the sound of a drawer opening as if he was finding something to wear. 

“Don’t speed,” you added, as a joke more than anything. 

“Of course I won’t,” he laughed. “I’m going to hang up now but I won’t be long.” 

“Okay, see you soon, Seokjin.” It was silly, but you didn’t want the phone call to end even though in under half an hour he’d be here. 

But you could be patient. 

You could. 

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

[floralseokjin]

⤑ made-up love song drabbles

The argument with Nana: Seokjin’s POV 

kim seokjin x reader warnings; angst 🥴 words; 1,486

Takes place just before chapter viii 

↪︎ read the series here / and drabbles here

“Oh, shoot. I forgot the salad.” Seokjin realised suddenly. “I’ll be one sec, honey.” He kissed you on the cheek as you finished arranging the dishes you’d both prepared. He was careful when he stood, making sure not to land in anything and risk being shouted at. 

“Don’t start without me.” He warned, playfully smacking your ass before he began to walk away. 

“What will you do about it?” You called out to him. 

“If you’re feeling brave, I guess you’ll find out.” He shouted back with a laugh, retreating inside the house. 

Weekends with you always meant a lot to him. Don’t get him wrong, he loved it when Arin spent time with you both too, but he knew it was important to make time for just the two of you. You’d had such a blissful time yesterday which had turned slightly naughty later on in the evening… but Sundays were always his favourite. There was something about waking up next to you on a Sunday morning, feeling your body warmth, the softness of your skin as he clung to you and the scent of it too as he attached his mouth to your neck. Sundays were meant for lazy morning sex. It was law. 

(He’d tried it on in the shower too, but it hadn’t worked… You were hellbent on having this picnic.)

As he made his way into the kitchen, spotting the bowl of salad on the island, the intercom started ringing. That was odd. Was he expecting a delivery? He moved down the hallway and picked up, unable to keep the confusion out of his voice. “Hello?” 

“Let me in. Now.” 

It took him a moment to place the frosty voice on the other end of the line, feeling a surge of irritation that only his ex-wife seemed to be able to pull out of him. Then he grew worried. What on earth could be wrong? “Nana? What are you doing here?” His mind flew to Arin but before he could ask, Nana’s voice filled with venom. 

“Open the gates, Seokjin,” she bit, impatient and angry for reasons he had no clue about. There was silence and then – “Or are you too busy with your girlfriend?”

The way she snarled the word had dread instantly heavy in his stomach. He thought of you outside waiting for him and totally oblivious to the potential escalation opening these gates could cause. But he had no other choice. There was no getting out of it, even if every bone in his body screamed at him not to hit the button. After all, he’d done this to himself, and now it was time to face the consequences. The ramifications he’d caused by his foolery and cowardice. 

“Opening,” he muttered, knocking his ex-wife off before she could reply. He looked down the hall, knowing that across the other side of the house you were safe and sound, waiting for him to get back. He hesitated, feeling torn, but again, too much of a coward, he left you there and turned in the opposite direction, getting to the front door and ripping it open. He didn’t have time to dwell on the potential damage this could cause. 

He could feel his anger bubbling to the surface as soon as he saw Nana’s car speeding up to the front of his house. She hit the brakes with a screech, her face livid, and that’s when he noticed Arin in the back seat. He rushed forward, yanking the door open just as Nana jumped out the car. 

“Arin, what’s wrong?” He demanded, noticing the way she was teary eyed. 

“I’m sorry, daddy,” she apologised, her voice tiny and quivering. 

“Don’t you dare apologise, Arin,” Nana iced, barging past him to unfasten their daughter’s seatbelt. “Your father is the one that needs to say sorry.” 

Arin hiccupped as she got out of the car and Nana cluing to her hand. 

“I don’t understand what’s happening–” he tried to begin. 

“Oh, don’t give me that,” Nana laughed dryly, disregarding him instantly. “You know exactly what you’ve been doing for god knows how long.” She made a beeline for the front door. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” He demanded, dashing forward to block her way. “Excuse me. You can’t just barge into my home.” 

“Daddy?” Arin looked up at him, confusion in her eyes. Fuck. She thought he was stopping her from entering too. 

Nana raised tall, a slow, sly smirk spreading across her face. “This is Arin’s home too, and she wants to go inside.” She looked down at their daughter, voice soft now. It turned his stomach. “Don’t you, darling?” 

She was using Arin as a weapon. Again. She used to love doing that when they were still married. But he had no other choice but to let her in. She smirked victoriously as he stepped aside and wasted no time walking inside, making a confident turn into the living room. She’d been here many times before, when this was his parents’ home. She knew her way around perfectly, which just made him even madder. 

He stormed in behind her. “Quit the bullshit and tell me what the hell is going on.” Although, he already had a fair idea. He had known Arin could inform her mother of his relationship with you at any time. Of course he had, but he’d pushed the thought aside and carried on inside his happy little bubble. After all, he knew Nana had zero interest in hearing about him. 

The truth always came out in the end, though…

“You’re mad I’m in a relationship?” He added mockingly, pushing his fears aside expertly. “That’s rich.” 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Jin,” she scoffed, before her stare hardened. “I’m mad because you’re trying to replace me.” 

Seokjin frowned, trying to make sense of her words. “What are–”

“How dare you tell my daughter to call another woman stepmother. Imagine how I felt hearing Arin call a stranger that?!” 

Now, he was lost. She’d put two and two together and come up with five. “Nana, I have no clue what you’re going on about.” 

“Don’t do that,” she warned, pointing a finger at him. “Don’t try to make me feel stupid. I’m done falling for that.” 

Seokjin couldn’t help but roll his eyes, trying to tell himself to keep calm. She was trying to get a rise out of him. As always. He took a steady breath, trying his best to keep his voice calm. “Arin has never called Y/N her stepmother.” 

“Y/N,” Nana sneered, greatly amused. “Sounds cheap.” 

Seokjin couldn’t help it, he saw red instantly. He gritted his teeth, speaking slow, with warning. “Shut your mouth now.” 

Nana grinned, her stare unwavering. “Or what?” 

Seokjin could feel his anger rising to the surface, it was getting harder and harder to ignore it. Especially with her condescending face right in front of him. She knew exactly how to push his buttons. He’d by now totally forgotten that you were in the garden waiting for him. He’d forgotten that his daughter was here in the room, witnessing this whole thing. 

At the sudden realisation, he looked down, noticing the way Arin clung to her mother’s hand, terrified and upset. He came to his senses immediately. He’d sworn never to argue in front of her again. She’d already been caught in the middle one too many times. It wasn’t fair on her. He was an embarrassment. 

He sighed tiredly and looked back to his ex-wife. “You need to go. I’ve had enough of listening to your farcical stories.” 

Nana however, seemed to want to continue traumatising their child. “FARCICAL?!” She shouted, letting out a mocking cackle. He hated that sound. “The only thing farcical right now is you.” 

He wouldn’t rise to her goading. That was what she wanted. But before he could tell her just that, Nana’s attention landed on the door. “Oh, and this is her, right?” 

Seokjin’s heart sank as he followed her gaze and saw you stood in the doorway, face contorted in confusion. Your eyes found his and he couldn’t help but murmur your name, his hand reaching for yours as he stepped towards you. He was selfish. That’s what it boiled down to. His palm was clammy as he squeezed yours, the result of his guilt. He needed this moment because whatever followed now could potentially end with you hating him. Just like Nana did. 

“Yes, here she is!”  Nana laughed harshly, needing no reply. 

Seokjin groaned quietly, rubbing his free hand across his face before he took a deep breath. This was is fault, and he knew it. But it was probably too late now to diffuse the situation, no matter how hard he’d try. 

Nana looked right at you as she sneered words that still made zero sense to him. “The stepmom!” 

He felt fresh anger curl inside his gut.  

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

[kinkingbird-blog]

“When the Mask Falls” Ninja Ship Party

NAME: “When the Mask Falls”

FANDOM: Shipgrumps

CHAPTER: Part 3 of a Series 

PAIRINGS: Ninja Ship Party

SUMMARY: A filled commission. Six months into his relationship with Brian, Danny invites him to move in. What starts as moving toward the next step of their lives together forces Brian's old demons to arise: imposter syndrome, running thoughts, and fear. As Brian's life begins breaking down around him, he worries he won't be able to hide it from Danny for much longer - especially if Arin's going to keep watching him so closely.

RATING: M.

WARNINGS: Angst with a happy ending, vomiting, panic attacks, imposter syndrome, sex used as a distraction

WORD COUNT: 18,453

AO3 Cross Post: [x]

Commissions are open!!

Buy Me A Coffee, if you’d like~

As they rested together in Danny’s massive bed, their bare and sweaty legs meeting from ankle to hip, Brian stared at the ceiling, still catching his breath and marveling at what he’d received. It was a gift. He knew it was. No one in the world deserved this much happiness at once.

Six months officially together. Six months of warmth. Six months of fondness. Six months of...of love. After what felt like a lifetime of pining for his best friend, being continuously blessed with his bright eyes and his laughs and his body seemed too much for Brian to keep for long.

Did he only have a limited allotment of happiness? Was he burning through it too fast? Did he only have a little bit left, and if Danny whisked away, would he be miserable for the rest of his life?

Brian was a trained man – one who’d worked for years to attain that level of skill and knowledge in his field – but during nights like this, when his adrenaline was finally slowing, he knew that he’d put himself in a corner by doing that. His mind seemed to work faster than anyone else’s. Danny might still be lying here thinking about how amazingly tight Brian was around his cock, but Brian was already three years ahead, anticipating their inevitable break up.

Sometimes he hated himself.

A hand on his chest made his thoughts still, and Brian watched Danny roll over and rest his head next to his on the pillow. With his cheeks still flushed and his gaze shimmering, he looked as languid and beautiful as a god, and Brian couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“We should do this more often,” Danny murmured.

Brian chuckled. “What, fuck? Twice a week isn’t enough for your rabbit libido?”

“Absolutely not.” He pushed in closer, his chest flush against Brian’s ribs, and he sighed and dropped an arm around Danny’s shoulders. No way in hell was he ever going to push him away when it came to cuddles. Silence spread between them for a few seconds before Danny opened his mouth again. “I just mean that, y’know, things feel...right when you’re here. It’s always been that way. It’s never gonna change.”

Shadow thoughts reared their ugly head, speaking so fast that Brian couldn’t comprehend them. Just felt the existential dread resting on his chest, pushing down more and more and more until he could scarcely breathe. “It’s because I’m fucking perfect,” Brian quipped in response, even as it made the rumble rise that much higher. “Not my fault you had nothing but a bunch of losers before me.”

Danny snorted and prodded him in the side, but didn’t reply. That was odd enough. Danny always at least tried to have a verbal comeback for Brian, even if it sounded ridiculous in hindsight. Straight up silence was rare.

He has something he wants to say.

Every nerve in Brian’s body sparked, hairs standing on end, as he listened to his lover’s breathing. Danny would inhale, pause, then let it all out quickly. Lift his hand, as if to use it to talk, and then drop it again and go back to thumbing over Brian’s skin.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Brian finally murmured when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore.

Danny cupped his cheek and met his eyes. “I get lonely when you leave, man.” Even after these months together, common pet names were still odd for them, and Brian felt the affection in that old form of address deeper than he ever had before. “My bed gets cold. I don’t sleep as good. It fucking sucks.”

Jesus. Realization filled Brian’s chest, and he stared at him unblinking. “Sucks to be you?” Sarcasm was safe. Sarcasm kept him from hoping for something that he didn’t think he might deserve.

A smile flashed up at him, nervous but true. “Your lease runs out in two months, dude. I know you haven’t signed it yet. And, uh...I think you should move in with me.”

Warmth and pleasure flooded him from his mind downward, engulfing his heart in such love that he could barely breathe. He rolled over and pressed in tight, until their noses rubbed together – until he could see every single thought in Danny’s brown eyes. “You really mean that?”

The grin only widened. “I wouldn’t kid about that, Bri. I love you – you know I do. And I’m sick and tired of watching you walk out my door to go to your shitty ass bed.”

“My bed is fantastic,” Brian declared as he wrapped his arms around Danny and kissed him.

Laughter vibrated against his lips. As Danny pulled back, Brian tried to chase him, but he wasn’t deterred. “I’m burning your mattress when you move in.”

“Yeah?” He kissed him again. “I’m burning your shoes.”

“Fuck you! I’m throwing all your old man clothes out!”

Brian pulled him on top of him and beamed. “I’m throwing out your shirts from college.”

Real terror filled Danny’s gaze. “You wouldn’t!”

Brian simply quirked a brow.

“You’re evil.” Danny rolled them over completely, so Brian straddled him, and dragged him down for kisses that filled them both with moans. “I’ll make you pay the mortgage with me.”

Brian chuckled and gripped his jaw lightly in one strong hand – a tease of power. “Careful, Danny. That sounds like you’re going to ask me to marry you next.”

He pulled him in.

Between kisses and gentle manhandling and faint groans of pleasure, Brian drowned in Danny once more. Bubbled up as brightly as he was with the golden sheen over their future together, he couldn’t quite remember where the dark storm clouds of earlier had come from.

 ~~

 Plans were easy to make. They were more like dreams than anything else. It was easy for Danny to lean on Brian’s chair in the office and tell him to look up a certain piece of furniture that he wanted to buy – but only if Brian wanted it too. He’d talk about starting to make space in his closet for Brian’s clothes. There’d be a question about what Brian might want to bring into the house from his apartment, since Danny had entire rooms that weren’t even being used yet.

It was perfect.

Brian was a logical man. He worked with numbers and facts, not things that were unattainable. The theory of perfection was impossible when it came to anyone – but for someone like Brian? Twice as unlikely. Something would inevitably fall to pieces every time, and with each day that passed without incident, it meant that the likelihood of failure doubled. Over and over and over it went, until he might very well be walking on a tightrope and peering down into the abyss and knowing that even the softest breeze would knock him over.

He did not deserve perfection. And that appeared to be precisely where their lives were heading.

 ~~

 “You’re really sure about this, huh?” Brian asked, interrupting Danny in the middle of talking about putting him on his homeowner’s insurance plan. “Like...honest and truly.”

Danny blinked at him. He set the bowl of popcorn in his lap aside with a quiet laugh. “I mean...yeah? Does it seem like I’m not?”

A few seconds of silence passed as Brian parsed through his thoughts, trying to pinpoint the exact reason he felt unsure. “I mean...it took me literal years to enter a relationship with you, Dan. You remember how we got together? When...when you weren’t even sure if you were still straight or not?”

More quiet. A hint of tension lingering in the air between them. Danny cleared his throat and turned on the couch to face him, their paused movie going completely ignored. “I, uh...no, yeah, I remember that.”

“So you can understand why I’m a little surprised that you brought it up in the first place.” Or that you’re even taking it as seriously as you are.

Danny reached out and snagged one of Brian’s hands, squeezing it. He kept his eyes on it as he spoke. “I took a while. I know I did. You didn’t have to be patient with me, man, but...but you were, and...I’m trying to show you that I’m serious. Okay?”

Brian glanced up at him.

“This isn’t about playing house. This is me trying to make sure you know that I want you in my life. Always. I think about you constantly when you’re not here ‘cuz it just makes sense for me to come around the corner and see you cooking in the kitchen or something.” Danny slowly met his eyes and ran his thumb over the back of his knuckles. “I know I kind of led you on there for a while. I know I kept getting scared shitless about what might happen if we...if we started being more than friends. And I’m glad we did – I really am – but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life wondering if my fucking commitment issues are gonna suddenly pop up out of nowhere.”

Brian shook his head. “Us moving in together won’t obliterate those. They might still be there, and they might come out, and we’ll have to deal with them-”

“I know, I know.” Danny laughed and looked away. “I know, Brian, like...I’m the one here who’s gonna drag this relationship down, if it ever gets shaky. I know that. My issues are fucking ridiculous, and you don’t have, like, a single thing wrong with you, and it’s kind of intimidating, but...”

The shadow voices rose again, whispering in the back of Brian’s mind, a sinewy sort of melody that he couldn’t completely ignore.

With a sigh, Danny called his attention back to him again. “Look, I love you, Bri. I love you. That’s not gonna stop any time soon. And I wanna prove it by taking this to the next level.”

Brian’s lips quirked. “Even if it’s scary?”

“Even if it’s scary.”

“And I make you remodel your entire bathroom?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Brian laughed. “All right, fine. So you put me on the fucking mortgage and insurance. What next?”

Danny beamed at him, looking up through messy curls, staring at him with far more love in his eyes than he’d ever deserved.

He was breathless with the weight of it.

 ~~

 Brian stepped away from his laptop to make some coffee, too restless to sleep and too jittery to keep looking at quotes for moving companies. He hadn’t even gotten too far into planning – he still had to go looking for boxes – but it was too much to handle all at once tonight.

Evenings like this called to mind some of the more desperate lows of his friendship with Danny. That phone call, the one where he told him about how he’d be moving to the United Kingdom. The response he’d received. It trickled down his back like shards of ice, chilling him to the bone. Sometimes, even if he couldn’t recall every single precise word, the devastation still came heavy, like snow that turned into hail, beating him down until he didn’t have lungs to breathe with.

He hesitated next to the kitchen counter, then sagged against it, feeling old concerns scratch at the back of his throat. Was Danny asking him to move in so he could guarantee that he’d keep Brian there, no matter what? Did he not trust Brian to stick around anymore?

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, took a deep breath, then tried to force it down, like sticking his foot in the garbage can and pressing.

These were reasons why he didn’t deserve the innocent happiness he saw in Danny’s gaze. He’d hurt him. Over and over again, he’d caused him pain in order to distance his own love from Danny. It was safer that way, he thought. Sensible. He could say that he wanted to move across the ocean to pursue better job opportunities, but the lies had been sand in his mouth, and every damn time he thought for sure that Danny knew.

Brian didn’t like lying. But it was all he ever did.

“Stop,” he whispered. He forced himself to inhale, filling his chest to the brim. He wouldn’t bubble over tonight. He wouldn’t let himself linger. He couldn’t. He just...he…

The pain stayed. Cloying him into a false sense of security, it traced claws over his muscles, then stabbed deep the second he thought the danger had passed.

It hasn’t been this bad in a while.

Brian considered the alcohol he had trapped high in his kitchen. He rarely indulged, and given that his boyfriend and most other friends didn’t touch the stuff he didn’t often find reason to bring it down. The temptation was there tonight. He stared at the closed cabinet, then moved away, wandering aimlessly through the apartment. He told himself that he was going to start sorting through things that he’d donate or throw away rather than take with him in the move.

Instead he ended up in front of his mirror.

For long moments, he simply stared, taking in the way he appeared to the world. The t-shirt with the physics pun on it. The jeans that had seen better days. Wrinkles on his hands and by his eyes. Silver hair slowly consuming the dark. Bulging eyes, thin lips, massive nose, thick gut, thighs covered in stretchmarks--

The pain was here. It sliced through him, dragging him into the thick of it, where there was no escape.

Danny deserved better than a man like Brian. Danny was...was beautiful and remarkable. He represented a far greater success story than anything Brian could ever do. He inspired people. He changed lives. He made everyone think that they could be better, if only they fought like he had. He had a laugh that lit up a room, and eyes that smoldered just as well as they sparkled, and a smile that made whoever saw it think that they were the only person alive.

It didn’t make sense that things had changed as quickly as they did. That Danny had...realized somehow that he wanted Brian. That he’d ached for him for years. That didn’t happen in real life. No one had happiness like that – especially not someone far past their prime, and who’d spent years making sure that their most secret, intimate feelings were kept hidden away.

Had Brian somehow manipulated Danny into wanting him without even trying? There wasn’t another logical explanation. Taking a man who had identified as heterosexual for his entire life – who even today still didn’t know what label to apply to himself, in this climate of ever changing sexuality language – and making him believe that he loved him? That he wanted to have sex with him? How did that happen? How did someone really have no prior concept that they might be slightly less than straight for almost forty years, and then suddenly wake up with a boner for another man?

Somehow he’d done something wrong, he thought.

A ping in the living room startled him, and Brian fought through the remnants of the haze before he remembered his phone, the message alert, that he had a text, and he forcibly turned himself from the mirror and breathed once more. He wandered back into the living room and checked his phone.

It was from Danny. A screenshot of a furniture website. A couch – far bigger than his own, something to compete with the massive sectional that Arin and Suzy had – that would finally make Danny’s living room look a little less barren.

“Plenty of room for cuddles and kicking your ass in games! Can’t wait for you to be here. The house is too quiet. The only way I’m staying sane is by thinking about when you’ll be here with me forever.”

Such sweetness dripped like honey into his mouth. Did he deserve it? No, maybe not. But he was a selfish man. He always had been. Why else would he have accepted Danny’s new feelings without questioning them? And he wanted this. Wanted Danny.

Maybe he was an imposter, and maybe Danny hadn’t figured that out yet. Maybe he never would. Maybe Brian would go his whole damn life knowing he didn’t deserve love as pure as this, or friendship as steadfast as he received from Arin or Brent or Ross, or kindness as rich as what he felt on a daily basis even from total strangers.

But he was going to fight to keep it. And nothing would stop him.

He sent a text back – ”It’s hideous. It’ll match the rest of your decor perfectly.” – and felt his lips quirk when Danny sent him a pouting selfie back. He saved the picture immediately, then sat down and picked up his laptop again.

Moving companies. Right. He could work on that. He could ignore the throbbing ache in his chest still – where the claws had marred him the worst. He could get things done and not be so fucking useless.

Easy peasy.

 ~~

 “Morning!”

“Morning.” Brian gave Danny a quick kiss on the lips and smiled at him fondly as they passed in the hallway. “Ready to do all my work for me?”

“Fuck you!” Danny sang out brightly as he disappeared around the corner, and Brian laughed. He sat at his desk with a sigh and immediately opened up his emails, preparing to slog through the important ones and neglect the shit. It’d take him a little while to wake up, and sipping his coffee while doing this always helped.

Having Danny beside him never helped matters of focus. It was a process – becoming comfortable enough in their relationship that they could still be pleased to see each other and occasionally play some kind of stomping foot wars under the desk in the name of flirting, but also no longer feeling like live wires the second they both made eye contact and being unable to complete any work again until they snuck away to the bathroom for a few stolen moments of making out. They were relaxing so much more now that it felt...domestic, somehow, to sit here and go through emails and to know that Danny would be back soon, and that they’d sink into the quiet of their keyboards clacking while simply breathing each other in.

Brian took another drink of coffee when he heard footsteps behind him, and he glanced, then turned fully in his chair when he saw Arin lingering in the doorway. “Hey.”

“Hey!” Arin grinned. “Heard you agreed to the move. Congrats, dude!”

So it was out, then. He anticipated a long string of well wishers.“Did Danny just tell you?”

“Nah, we talked about it, like, weeks ago.” Arin waved it off. “Between you and me, I’m pretty sure I gave him the idea, heh. Don’t tell him I said that – he’ll kick my ass.”

Something uneasy stirred in Brian’s chest. Vulnerability. Suspicion. He couldn’t let that manifest. He focused on quipping, taking a second longer than usual to find something to spit out. “Don’t lie to me about that, Arin – we both know you wouldn’t recognize a good idea if it spanked you.”

Arin laughed, shaking his head. “No, seriously! It was...kind of cute, actually? Like, in a gross way. He ended up in my office all sweaty and doting and shit one day? Probably after you two snuck off during lunch – yes, I know about that, we all know about that, don’t look at me like that. Anyway, he was nervous or whatever about how happy he was with you, and how he wanted to show it...”

As Arin went on, Brian stopped taking it in. He stared at his face, feeling the foreboding spread little by little.

This was exactly what he should’ve expected, and he felt like a fool for not recognizing it earlier. Of course it hadn’t been Danny’s idea to ask Brian to move in. It hadn’t been Danny’s idea to have feelings for him either – it had taken Brian’s entire breakdown to put the idea in his head in the first place, even after years of friendship – so why would it be his idea to make their relationship a little more permanent? Brian could foresee a future moment – Suzy flashing her wedding ring or something and telling some new acquaintance all about Arin had proposed to her, and Danny overhearing the story and immediately going out and looking for wedding bands.

It made sense. Danny was impressionable. Gullible. Easy to trick and tease. Why would this have been any different?

“...and I figure it’s just about time anyway. If you guys had been living together right when you got back from England, I bet he would’ve been proposing to you in a week, like, let’s be real – you two are perfect for each other, and I can’t believe he was so blind for so damn long-”

“Well, if you gave him the idea, then it’s only fair that you help me move in,” Brian interrupted. There was something hollow inside of him. His words felt wooden. He swallowed and pressed on, clinging to the joke. “I think you should go ahead and mark your calendar for a few weeks away – the last Saturday of the month, maybe? I’ll put my feet up and drink a beer or two while you carry all my boxes inside. What do you say?”

The joke should’ve been easy to move the conversation along. Wit was Brian’s most efficient weapon, and he wielded it with ease. But something about Arin’s expression didn’t sit well with him. He looked like a scientist peering through a microscope. Like he was going to start taking notes.

Coldness spread through Brian’s gut.

“If you think I’m gonna be free labor without you even buying me a fucking pizza, you’ve got another thing coming,” Arin finally quipped, his lips quirking. “But, uh, nice try, buddy.” Arin patted him on the head, and Brian made a show of trying to bite his hand, making him laugh. “Do you wanna get some lunch today, by the way? It’s been a while since just you and I did anything together, hasn’t it?”

Maybe because you do everything with Danny instead of trying to do anything with me.

The thought made him so unsettled that Brian immediately spoke. “Nah, I’ve already got plans, but some other time, okay?”

Arin nodded, eyes still firm on Brian’s own, and smiled. “Sure, dude. Hey, lemme know if you need anything today.”

“As always, boss.”

Arin left the office, and Brian turned slowly to face his computer without quite seeing it. Had his earlier thought been jealousy? He didn’t think so. He had a long history of being jealous of whoever Danny spent his time with in the past, but those fleeting emotional memories hadn’t been ones he’d revisited once their romantic relationship began. Arin had Suzy, Brian had Danny, and he’s wasn’t about to be an asshole who made his lover stop seeing his best friend just because he wanted more time with him.

No, it hadn’t been jealousy about Danny’s time with him. But the feeling had been remarkably similar.

It was true. Arin and Brian rarely did things alone together, and if they spent time with each other it was typically because Danny was there instead, from tours to recording sessions to panel appearances at a con.

So was it jealousy because Arin never tried to initiate a one on one friendship with Brian before today? Possibly. But he couldn’t exactly blame him. With how effervescent Danny was, it was any wonder people took notice of Brian at all. So many nights spent on stage without people responding to him unless Danny deliberately focused attention in his direction. So many tweets directed toward Danny specifically. So many streams where Brian had taken control of the situation only by forcefully inserting himself into the limelight, not by request or demand.

Dear Danny and other members of NSP.

Danny was the golden guy. Brian had known it all along. If even once he had a friend who he introduced to Danny for the first time, it was inevitable that they came to prefer his company over Brian’s. After the lifetime of depression Danny had, Brian couldn’t exactly fault him for it, but…

It would’ve been nice for Arin to ask him to lunch out of his own interest in being better friends with him – and not because he looked at Brian like he was a puzzle to solve.

Emails. Brian took a deep breath, cleansing the tension in his chest, and focused on his screen again. It took a bit to find his stride, but he hit it, and he refused to let his attention divert – even when Danny slid into the chair beside him and squeezed his hand.

 ~~

 “You sure you can’t just move in tonight?”

Brian heard the teasing words, but he didn’t attend to them as well as he wanted to. His head felt slightly swimmy, and he doubted it had anything to do with the single draft beer he’d had, nor with Danny’s presence. No, the stress of work, he reasoned, was what had gotten to him, paired with knowing exactly how much he had left to pack. “I don’t even have the living room packed up yet,” he murmured, taking another sip of the beer.

Danny snorted. “Just get rid of it. We can buy new shit. Y’know...make it our place, not just mine.”

More gentle lurching in his belly. More sips of his drink. Maybe he was getting ill.

“Unless, like…I mean, if you want, I can just wait until you’re all moved in first, or...I can go ahead and buy everything?” Danny let out a light chuckle. “Waking you up all hours of the night with questions about furniture or whatever’s gotta be annoying.”

Brian shook his head, but didn’t reply verbally. His gaze drifted to the nearest TV, where a game played by a team he didn’t give a shit about. His legs itched. Maybe if he moved around a little, he’d actually be able to focus.

It was rare nowadays that Danny and Brian even had a chance to come out to a restaurant on a weekend night. Brian’s schedule was far more open than Danny’s, but he spent it all packing, and Danny was always working on videos, songs, interviews, seeing old friends, thinking about the future…

Brian blinked a few times, trying to clear his head. When was the last time he’d even slept the whole night through?

“...good game?”

“Hmm?” Brian blinked and looked at Danny for the first time in twenty minutes. “I have no idea. It’s on, that’s all I know.”

Danny wrinkled his brow as he slurped up the remnants of his soda through his straw. “Then, uh...why’re you paying more attention to it instead of me?”

A very good question. Danny was his boyfriend. He was the entire reason Brian had gotten in his car and drove here for a proper date, not just the two of them sitting on his couch and eating takeout food again. But something about the entire situation had him on edge. Sleep? Work stress? He considered them both logical possibilities, making tick marks on the whiteboard he often saw before his mind’s eye. Correlation did not equal causation, and…

“I canceled plans to be here.”

Something in Danny’s tone finally resonated in Brian’s gut like a bell. His lover was a patient guy. He didn’t often sound so...so snippy unless something was genuinely wrong. But there it was – that edge, the sharpness that Ross sometimes took on if no one in the office was paying attention to something he was working on. From Ross, it felt bratty. From Danny, it felt hollow and depressed.

Brian’s heart skipped a beat.

“If you needed to get something else done, we could’ve rescheduled,” Danny murmured. As Brian met his eyes, he saw the ache right on the surface – not hidden even slightly. How was Danny able to be so open and vulnerable like this? Was it because he was so generally loved by everyone around him that he hadn’t had to fight for attention in years? Brian couldn’t even imagine being that free.

How many doors were still tightly locked in Brian’s mind with shadows trying to poke beneath them?

As a chill resonated through Brian’s veins, he reached across the table and covered Danny’s hand. When Danny didn’t pull away – didn’t even look away – Brian leaned on old habits. “I’m out of it. Lots of work. Lots of packing. It’s shit. But you know that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be here.” He tilted his head to the side. “I can’t think straight around you. When I’m this tired, my head just...goes places. Thinks about things that...maybe I shouldn’t be considering in polite company.”

Danny’s gaze flicked down to the table, and he shifted, turning his hand over so his fingers tickled over Brian’s inner wrist. “I mean...”

“What’s that?” Brian leaned closer, trying to catch his eye. “Does someone want to hear exactly what those inappropriate thoughts are?”

Danny chewed on his bottom lip, and, against his better judgment, it seemed, a smile peeked at the corners of his mouth. “Like you can ever keep your mouth shut anyway,” he finally said with a giggle. “You like to hear yourself talk so much.”

“And you like to listen.” Adopting the more sinewy tone was easier than it should’ve been, given how he continued to stomp on the quiet spark of panic at the base of his stomach. “But, if you don’t want to hear me...maybe I should just show you instead.”

Danny pulled his wallet out, flipping through it clumsily and pulling out a few bills to set on top of the check they’d been neglecting. “Fifteen minutes of anticipation-”

“Who said anything about waiting until we get home?”

Eyes snapping to Brian’s, Danny watched him, an ember of heat in his gaze. It was one that Brian knew wouldn’t take much at all to coax into life, and he jumped on the opportunity, standing up and taking Danny’s hand and pulling him out of the booth.

They’d never been so obviously clandestine before – not even at work. While the office felt like an extension of home in many ways, all thanks to the careful decorating that invoked inspiration without the stress of a standard office building, the fact that Brian led the way to the bathroom with promise in his hurried pace meant something far more exciting. And Danny would go along with it, of course. He always did.

He was weak for Brian. It seemed that over thirty years of repressing a supposed side of him meant that he couldn’t resist a damn thing that Brian offered him. It was kind of him to be patient with Danny in the past, he thought, when giving him as little as a snog in the hallways probably would’ve made his pants fall off without any additional help, but he didn’t have to wait anymore, did he?

Why not use this? Why not let his lover feel good anytime, anywhere?

Why not embrace the distraction?

The bathroom was a single stall, and Brian pushed Danny through the door and locked it behind him. His lover’s breath was already catching, and as Brian pressed flush against him, palming his jeans told him he was already hard.

“Eager,” Brian murmured with a smirk.

“I-I missed you, okay?” Danny leaned forward for a kiss, and Brian hesitated for only a moment before he returned it.

It wasn’t the first time Brian gave a blowjob while on his knees in a filthy bathroom, but it was the first time he actually enjoyed it.

At least...he was pretty sure that he did.

 ~~

 Normally Brian was fantastic at keeping track of time and dates, but something about Danny’s visit back home to see his family slipped by him completely. One night he was texting Danny and asking if their weekly Netflix date was still on for Friday, and the next second he was being reminded that Danny’s flight left that morning, actually – that they’d rescheduled to eat out two days before on purpose.

It wasn’t often that Danny got out of town to see his folks – and the fact that his sister would be there at the same time was a huge boon. For the first time outside of major holidays, they’d all be together – and for a whole week, too, to help celebrate their parents’ milestone anniversary together.

It worked out, really. It gave Brian time to focus on packing.

He imagined he might’ve gotten more done so far if he hadn’t been so busy at work. With his nose to the grindstone there, it was increasingly more difficult to focus on getting boxes packed and sealed ahead of time – and now the move was only two weeks away. The deposit had been put down on the moving company. Empty boxes filled his living room. Everything was set up to make it as speedy and efficient as possible.

He just...couldn’t focus.

That entire week, he did nothing but go to work, then come straight home to focus on packing. It should’ve made it easy. Danny was so enjoying his time with his family that he wasn’t reaching out to Brian very often. There were no distractions. Yet even still, Wednesday came with only one new box packed the night before, and the crunch was starting to tighten around him.

“Hey, Brian?” Ross stepped in his path as he headed toward the door at the end of the day. “What’s up?”

Brian blinked. He’d barely spoken to anyone in the office for days now. It took a few extra seconds for the clouds to clear away. “Nothing. Just on my way home. You?”

Ross grinned. “Yeah, same! Hey, so, I know you’ve probably been lonely as hell with Danny being gone-”

“The time away’s been refreshing, actually,” he drawled. “I’ve gotten a lot done.”

Ross snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure, anyway, uh, figured I’d see if you wanted to come hang out tonight. Some other friends’ll be there, and we’ve got some new tabletop games, and-”

“I have to pack, Ross,” he snapped. Any other time he would’ve thought of how this invitation was obviously preceded by something very important that Brian hadn’t figured out yet, and he would’ve apologized. Today, however, Ross was simply an obstacle in his way. “Maybe another time. Have a good night.” And he pushed past him, and the door shut behind him, and Ross let him go, and that was all there was to it.

Getting home, however, afforded him no pleasure. His phone was silent and in his bedroom. He put book after book into a box, like an assembly line, and he thought of Danny, and how he’d be home soon with stories of his sister and his mom and his dad, and just how lovely it must be to still have a fucking family to go home to at all.

He tried not to think of the deaths of his parents anymore, if he could help it, but tonight all he could see were their faces. Had they been proud of him? If they could see where he was now, would they be prouder still, or would they be humiliated by what prestige he’d given up just to come here and sing songs about dicks? And what would they think about his relationship with Danny specifically? Things hadn’t been awkward when he came out to them in the first place, but how would they take his boyfriend? Would they think they were a good fit, or would they advise Brian to think about looking for love elsewhere?

He couldn’t even imagine sitting with either of his parents and telling them about his depth of feeling for Danny – how he burned for him to the deepest part of his core. They’d never really been that type of family in the first place. How could he pretend that they would’ve had excellent advice to give him, or even the patience to listen?

Danny’s family adored him. They were probably listening to anecdotes about his work and his friends and…

Brian? Had he even ever told them about him? Had he ever came out? Did they love him even still?

They had to. No doubt they loved him and built him up, and…and worshiped him. Admired him for everything he’d done when life felt so impossible. They respected their Danny, who’d thrown his medication into water, who’d not gone back to it, who’d learned to stand on his own two feet. Their incredibly whole Danny. Brave. Strong. Full of everything that the world seemed to lack.

He was whole. That was it, really. He wasn’t broken inside, like some people were, and he didn’t even realize that, did he?

As his thoughts turned and spun, losing coherency, he realized he was staring into the box with a book in each hand, unmoving – almost unbreathing. How long had he been kneeling there? When had he stopped paying attention? Brian set the books down with more care than he’d ever used in his life, then leaned back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. He tried to apply logic to why he couldn’t breathe deeply. There had to be a reason for it. There always was. It was easy, if he’d only try…

Somehow he ended up on his back on the couch with all the lights on, still in his clothes, teeth unbrushed, brain unfocused. He fell asleep there with his hands folded over his stomach and his too-small lungs.

Dreams were a window into the soul, and he knew it well. He dreamed of his beautiful, perfect Danny, being carried away by millions of adoring people, and when he tried to follow them, he tripped into a hole, where he yelled and begged for help and was never once even thought of.

And then he woke up and forgot about it before his eyes were even open – was only left with the lingering sense of unease that robbed him of safety even here, in his own home.

 ~~

 Even with Danny’s return to work, Brian was unsettled. He couldn’t find the words to ask him about his time away – how he’d enjoyed it, how his parents were, if his sister was well – and Danny didn’t volunteer the information to him either. He had too much to catch up on at work. Day in and day out he was recording videos with Arin, barely even pausing for lunch, and the quick hand squeezes and cheek kisses that Brian used to prize felt like nothing more than excuses now. Apologies, perhaps, for how he was in no real hurry to get back to him.

The move was almost here, and nothing was done – but Danny hadn’t even asked about it. And perhaps that was for the better.

Three days until the move, Brian ended up in the kitchen at work, his hands trembling as he reached for the pot of coffee. Did he need more? He wasn’t sure. His eyelids were heavy, though, and his control was fraying, to the point where his emails were piling up and he ignored conversations and let the list of his responsibilities go unfulfilled.

Coffee. Coffee was the answer.

The pot was full, almost overflowing onto his hand, and he hyperfocused every ounce of his attention on it, feeling blindly for the mug overhead while keeping an eye on the level of steaming coffee. A slip – just the barest movement of his fingers – had the mug falling, where it shattered on the counter, spraying shards of ceramic across his chest as he exclaimed and slammed the pot down.

“Fuck!” Brian concaved forward, shoulders rising, chest collapsing beneath the weight of his shout. That word – just one word – encapsulated everything he was losing and that he feared, and he felt the break on the edge of his tone just before his teeth clicked shut painfully.

Breathe. He stared at the massive pieces of the bland white mug surrounding him, his hands splayed on the countertop. Don’t stop breathing. Don’t let go. Don’t do anything. The shards blurred before his eyes as his breathing came faster and faster, over and over and over, until his heart burned. Fragile ribs splintered under the pounding weight of it.

And then he felt the eyes.

“You okay?”

Arin. Brian squeezed his eyes shut, bit his lips, and stood up tall so quickly he nearly lost balance. “Fine.” With one quick movement he jerked his chin upward and applied the veneer, then turned to look at his boss.

The naked concern on his expression nearly brought him to his knees.

He thought to that earlier lunch invitation weeks beforehand. The curious look in his gaze. Brian had interpreted it as Arin simply seeing him as a puzzle – like a toy that he wanted to tinker with until he was satisfied – but no, there was something far more frightening therein.

He knew. He knew exactly what Brian was struggling with. How could he read him so easy? Was it that obvious? Did everyone know what a fucking waste of air Brian was? That he was a shitstain smeared across the ground?

“Brian.” Arin wrinkled his brow. “Sit down, dude, you’re shaking.”

“I’m fine. I haven’t slept.” The lies came easier than truth, spilling over his lips, and he had a vivid flashback – Arin’s words against his ear through the phone six months before, the quiet Nothing is fucked, and how it had lulled him to think that everything could be okay with Danny, not risking falling apart like it was now. “Once I actually get some decent fucking rest and get this move over with, I’ll...yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Brian was so used to any word he said being enough to convince Danny. Why would Brian lie to him if it wasn’t for humor, after all? There was no motivation for it. Arin, however, didn’t look convinced. Nothing about his expression changed. Only the inescapable worry pressing down on him.

“I think we should go sit down together,” Arin said far slower, like he was still thinking through his plan of attack, and the itching in Brian’s legs only grew. “If you’re, uh, tired or whatever, we can get you settled on the couch, catch a few z’s, and then we can talk afterward, maybe?”

In seconds, Arin would no doubt get his footing as Brian’s boss again. He was good at what he did – fucking great, even – but the normally unflappable Brian was keeping him from transitioning straight into expressing his concern and asking him if everything was all right at home and if maybe he was having some kind of second thoughts about this move, if he didn’t deserve it or happiness with Danny or-

No, he couldn’t be allowed to figure that out. If he went down that rabbit hole, Brian was damn sure they’d never get out.

“I’m fine,” Brian snapped. He was moving before he even realized it. He pushed past Arin. Arin hit the doorframe, and Brian moved down the hallway. “I’m just, I’m going to run an errand, and I’ll be right back.”

The next thing he was aware of was sitting in his car, hands on the wheel, staring outside. How tempting it would be to drive home. He remembered doing that last time. Remembered emptying his stomach into the toilet until he felt as empty as he was as a human being – the vacant shell, the remnants left behind of who Brian was before he realized how utterly unexceptional he was and withered and died. He could do it now. He could go home and shut himself up, and maybe everyone would forget until tomorrow.

Or maybe he’d keep sitting here for an hour and wouldn’t even realize it.

He had nowhere to go. No errands to do. He drove around the block four times on pure autopilot before he pulled back into the parking lot and came inside.

He would just...find Arin and smooth things over, like they’d never happened. He’d give him a smile and a joke and some fingerguns, and then they’d move on, right? Easy. He stepped inside the thunderous air conditioner of their specific chain of offices and headed down the hallway, looking for him. Not in his office. Not in the kitchen. Not even Danny was at their desks.

That was when the cool panic began to set in.

As a rule, private conversations were rarely held in the recording area due to the backup microphones being constantly on at all times so that they’d never risk losing footage in the event of an emergency shutdown. It was considered a violation of privacy. Sensitive situations needed to be respected, lest they open up an entire can of worms.

Yet when Brian finally went to the last place he looked – the studio itself – what he saw brought him to a stop. Arin and Danny, sitting together, Danny’s back to the glass, Arin’s brow furrowed as he talked. He had no way of hearing what they were saying, but what else could they be talking about? Who else was having a fucking breakdown in the middle of the office just because a mug had broken? Brian lingered at the furthest door. There had to be a new plan of attack. How likely was it that he could get Danny to completely ignore everything coming out of Arin’s mouth? He imagined himself bursting in and flinging himself between them in slow motion, shouting, begging for Danny not to listen.

The fantasy hadn’t even finished when Arin locked eyes with him and shut his mouth – and then Danny turned his head.

He was wearing that goddamn concern now too.

Brian left. He ran. And this time he went home.

 ~~

 It wasn’t like he’d left incredibly early. In no time at all, everyone else would be heading home, Brian reasoned to himself, and thus he hadn’t exactly given them huge reason to worry. Danny wouldn’t come running over – at least, he wasn’t likely to, especially with how busy he was – and Brian could head everything off at the pass.

He just...needed to look like he was busy, in case there was a trap. If Danny walked in with his key - why the fuck did I even give him that? - he’d see that the apartment was a disaster. The signs of Brian’s half focused packing were scattered from wall to wall – objects that he’d begun wrapping in newspaper before leaving them on the floor, a trail of books from the shelf to a box that was half empty, abandoned dishes on the kitchen counter that he’d never quite gotten to washing. A man lived in a fugue state here. And he had to hide the signs. He couldn’t let them worry. Couldn’t let them know.

Packing was easy, he reasoned. No one sane struggled with something this simple, especially when they were over forty years old and had a doctorate in an extremely prestigious field.

But there was too much. Every time that Brian touched something – intent on packing it to lessen the damage – something else caught his eye, and he would put it down and wander over, then freeze again, head turning to the next object. By the time he heard his phone ringing, he hadn’t done a damn thing.

He picked up his phone, then dropped it on the couch when he saw Danny’s name. Feeling like a child, Brian chewed on a hangnail and stared at the screen, listening to the quiet vibrating until, finally, it went silent. He looked away. What kind of man did this? Who ignored their lover like they were nothing? How was he going to explain this?

Why did he feel so completely out of control of his own life?

His phone buzzed with a voicemail, and he forced himself to take a deep breath and listen to it.

”Hey! Um, this is Danny! I guess you already knew that, uh...listen, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I realized we hadn’t really...seen each other for the past couple of weeks, outside of work, and, like, with the move coming up, I kind of left you hanging instead of asking if I could help, and that was shitty of me, and...and I’m sorry. Um, can you give me a call and just let me know how you’re doing? I’d really like to hear from you. Love you!”

The message was dangerous. As Brian dropped the phone slowly back to his hip, he stared at the wall and felt the ever pressing weight of Danny’s worry on his shoulders. So this was it. This was how everyone found out that Brian – the man who held everything together like he was made of steel – was falling apart. Going insane. Collapsing from the inside out. This was how the world found out that he wasn’t worth his salt.

This was how Danny slowly discovered that Brian was weak and so not worth everything he’d given him.

We can still fix this.

The spark of panic flared into a smoldering wildfire, ripping through Brian as he grabbed his phone, his keys, and his wallet and headed straight for the door.

Brian was a master of deception and lies. For years he’d made a brand out of insulting humor. The amount of times that he’d spewed falsehoods just to make Danny think he wasn’t attracted to him was in the hundreds. And he could still lean on that here too. That was all it would take: just one little lie, and he could get his life back on target again.

He was fine. He was. He’d held it together for decades, and he wasn’t about to let go now.

The drive to Danny’s was done in the same fog he’d been struggling with for weeks, with the sharp-teethed voices in the back of his mind muttering viciousness that he could barely even translate. It was better this way, they said – better for Brian not to be known by a single person. If they found out what a fraud he was, they’d be happy to take the excuse to leave him. If they realized how he was only a mockery of a comedian, they’d turn their backs. If they knew he couldn’t do a damn thing without second guessing every step of the way, they’d finally realize how foolish he was.

It was better to hide it all. And Danny was just gullible enough to take it. After all, everyone wanted to take the easy way out. If Brian offered him the opportunity to pull the wool a little more over his eyes, he’d thank him for it – anything so he didn’t have to do the hard work of...of comforting, or…

Unbidden, images of Suzy holding Arin’s hand and talking to him quietly in the office during times of tight deadlines or sharp criticism or a dropped sponsorship deal raced through his mind. How Arin leaned into her. How she accepted the weight of him and pulled him in close and held him together when he was feeling weak. What did that feel like, to be so vulnerable with another human being? To know that they could be relied on to carry the burdens of their loved ones when they became just a little too heavy?

He couldn’t remember ever giving someone that opportunity. Not even once.

Fuck, his throat hurt. It tightened with a knot, and he swallowed it back down.

He pulled sideways into Danny’s driveway and climbed out of his car, making a beeline for the front door with his keys clacking in his shaking hand. He knocked on the door, and the second it opened, he pushed inside.

“Hey!” Danny grabbed him by the shoulder. “God, I’m fucking glad to see you. What’s up? Why didn’t you just call me back?”

The gleaming adoration in Danny’s eyes were almost enough to bring everything tumbling down. Every piece of the mismatched stones that Brian had shoved together into the tower that held him high above others...just one word of love from Danny would blow them over and leave nothing but the cracked foundation that he was so desperate to hide.

He couldn’t do that. If Danny saw – if he knew everything he’d been hiding…

Brian made one last ditch effort toward deception. It was easy. All he had to do was lean on Danny’s weakest point – even if it made him feel sick to do.

“Sometimes a guy just has to see his boyfriend.” Brian cupped Danny’s cheeks, scratchy with stubble, and came up onto his tiptoes, holding his gaze. “You missed me, didn’t you? You said it yourself. So here I am.”

Danny wrinkled his brow. “Brian...”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He thumbed over Danny’s bottom lip. “Just a guy who’s sick and tired of waiting to see his lover. You feel that way too, right?”

“I-I mean, yeah, but-”

“Then c’mon.” He pressed their chests together and let his warm breath tickle over his mouth. “Show me how much you missed me. Make love to me like you mean it.”

Hesitation. For once, Danny didn’t reach out and touch Brian. He didn’t drag him in. And that just meant Brian would have to do a little more of the work himself.

He kissed him with a hum, tilting his head to deepen it immediately, and closed his eyes, trying to focus on the heat of Danny’s body against his. He’d wanted him for years. He’d jerked off to him every damn time he was drunk and home alone. The amount of times that he’d whispered Danny’s name into a pillow while some anonymous guy fucked him from behind was innumerable.

So why couldn’t he just turn his fucking brain off and enjoy this?

He forced himself to slide a hand through Danny’s hair, just barely avoiding tangling in the messy curls, and he felt the other man’s breath hitch as he touched him. Yeah, c’mon, just like that, give in to me. As Danny melted slowly, he slid his arms around Brian’s waist, one hand fisting in his shirt.

Just like he was supposed to. Almost on cue. Thank God, thank God.

He just had to get Danny to fuck him. If he could goad him on until he was bruising Brian’s hips in those beautiful hands of his, then even better. He just needed him to let go. He needed him to see that Brian was fine, and that he didn’t need to worry, and that everything was going to be okay, and nothing was going to fall apart.

He needed Danny to fucking swallow him whole. Trap him in his ribs. Let him snuggle up right next to his heart, where it was warm and safe.

Danny tried to pull away from the kiss, but Brian pursued him, and he felt the moan against his lips as he gave into him again. The bedroom wasn’t too far away, but Brian didn’t know if he trusted himself to get Danny that far without questions coming up.

It had been quite a while since he’d been fucked on the floor, feeling the carpet fibers scrape his body to hell and back. Did Danny still have lube in here? He’d jokingly told him that he had a bottle of lube in every room in the house, just in case – that it was always good for a gag, at least, even if it never got used. Condoms? Whatever. They were fluid bonded now.

He didn’t fucking want anybody else, just...just Danny, just this, just the promise that it would never end.

Promises fell apart as fast as cheap toys. So did wedding rings. So did mortgages and two names on the insurance and everything whispered between the sheets-

God, his mind was fucking everywhere. He zeroed in on Danny again, coaxing him down to the ground, until he could scramble into his lap and grind against the hardness he felt in his jeans. Brian winced – he himself wasn’t hard, and the sensitivity of his flaccid cock being pressed against something so unforgiving was painful in a horrible way rather than a pleasurable one, but…

Fuck, why wasn’t he fucking hard?!

He eased a hand between their hips to hide it, bucking the heel of his palm against Danny’s cock and swallowing up the sweet moans he fed him in response. Tongues tangled, slick and hot.

It was when Danny reached to lace their other hands together that Brian’s heart skittered in his chest.

What was he doing? Why did he think this was the right way to go?

Just...get over it, Jesus, just let him fuck you, c’mon, he’s ready, he’s into it, and he’ll forget all about whatever the hell is going on in your head if you can just man up and do this shit.

Brian let go of his hand and reached between them to open up Danny’s jeans. He pushed him to the floor with his chest and held him there, panting against his mouth for just a second before he resumed the sloppy, unfocused kisses – ones that Danny kept trying to take control of, and that Brian would ignore. He yanked his lover’s jeans and boxers down and took him in hand, jerking him to full hardness with no real rhythm. His palm felt too dry against the smooth skin of Danny’s cock and he bit back the urge to apologize.

Just a little more. Maybe he could even try to take him dry. It’d hurt like hell, they’d be risking pain and bleeding and...but maybe it’d be better than stopping to look for the lube, and-

Danny’s hand suddenly touched between Brian’s legs, flush against his soft dick. And he froze.

They both did. Brian kept his lips lightly pressed against Danny’s, brain frantically looking for an excuse. A solution.

Danny turned his head and let out a shaky breath and, goddamn it all, but he spoke before Brian could think to kiss him again. “You’re not...you’re not hard.”

Fuck. Fuck. Any other day it would’ve taken no time at all for Brian to quip something out and get the show on the road again, but here? Now? A cold sweat beaded over his neck and forehead, and he dropped his hands to the carpet, holding there, staring at Danny’s chest.

“Are you not enjoying this?”

I love it, Brian wanted to say. But he couldn’t loosen his jaw. His teeth ground together painfully, making his vision blur.

“You don’t need to do this,” Danny said quietly, his soft voice tickling over Brian’s skin. A drop of sweat ghosted down his own cheek, as if chasing the words. “I’d rather just talk to you. See what’s going on. You don’t have to keep...hiding it.”

Something began building in Brian’s stomach as he sat up slowly. It traveled gradually up his chest. His throat.

“It’s...it’s been hard, isn’t it?” Danny whispered. “You didn’t want me to know it was hard. That...that something was going on. Because if I did...”

Brian shook his head. Where were the words to tell him to shut up? Why was he trembling?

“...if I knew something was wrong, I’d ask, and you wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore.”

Oh God, oh God, oh God…

Danny touched his cheek – his sweat-slick, overheated, ugly, disgusting cheek. “Brian, please tell me what’s wrong. I can’t watch you like this. I love you too much to let you hurt like this alone.”

Brian was off him like a flash.

“Brian!”

He ran – but he ran straight down the hall, stumbling into the bathroom and flinging himself on his knees in front of the toilet. It was too similar, spilling the contents of his stomach because of Danny - almost like the past few months hadn’t even happened.

The difference was that he wasn’t alone. Arms wrapped around his ribs, a warm and insistent presence, and Brian squeezed his eyes shut.

Humiliation wouldn’t even come to him, and neither would shame. After all this time of holding back, hot tears streamed down his cheeks as he struggled to take a full breath. “I-I can’t anymore,” Brian stammered. His fingers dug into the porcelain, trembling, trying to find purchase in anything around him. “It’s too much, i-it’s just too...”

“I’ve got you.” Danny’s voice, though tight with emotion, was soft in his ears, like silk dragged over sensitive skin. “It’s okay, Bri, I’m here, I’ve got you, you’re not alone anymore.”

He leaned back into the weight of Danny, nothing left to vomit, and shook in his arms, head tilting back so that the light from the hallway bled past his eyelids. The sounds he made – choked sobs – didn’t sound human, and he scarcely believed they came from him. All he knew and felt was the pain in his body, everything he’d been holding back for months – years – coming out in his tears. The fear, the agony, the knowledge that no one could put up with the amount of shit that Brian carried in his heart.

But Danny was right there. Right there. He wasn’t leaving. He was rocking Brian back and forth and whispering sweet comforting words. “You’re never gonna be alone again,” he said at one point in a voice that barely sounded like his own, and Brian had just enough presence of mind to realize that Danny was crying too.

Brian hadn’t let anyone see his tears in years. He hadn’t let anyone cry for him in even longer. But here, in this tiny safe room, with nothing but love surrounding him, even as horrible as it felt to let go, he couldn’t do anything else.

Not when Danny was giving him permission – and the acceptance to spill over the riverbanks.

Brian twisted in his arms and buried his face in Danny’s neck, soaking him in tears as he clung to him like a child. Yet Danny held on. He was firm. He wouldn’t be toppled over like a Lego tower. Everything that Brian feared – that he was too much for someone, that he didn’t deserve to be loved, that it was only a matter of time before he was left alone – stayed at bay. None of it came true.

There was time yet for his thoughts to be proven right. But he was damn glad it wasn’t tonight.

After long minutes of weeping, strength left Brian, until he was dry of tears and aching. He wasn’t a young man anymore. He couldn’t just throw himself around and have tantrums like this without a bone deep burning in all parts of his body – his bruised knees, his pained lungs, his red eyes. But even as he whispered two words - “I’m sorry” - Danny didn’t let go.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Danny murmured, running a hand through the short cropped hair on top of Brian’s head and leaving tingling in his wake. “C’mon. Easy does it.”

Never had Brian seen this side of Danny before – this calm, gentle, coaxing part of him that drew Brian up to his feet. He could almost imagine him taking a crying child into his arms and carrying him away to rock him until he could breathe again. He’d never said a word about wanting children, but the image was fixed in Brian’s mind now so vividly that he let the fascination distract him from just how hard it was to stand.

He leaned into Danny heavily with a sigh that nearly started his tears again – how was he so tired? The steps out of the bathroom, into the hallway, and down to the bedroom should’ve taken seconds, but they felt like hours, each careful placement of his foot taking intense deliberation lest he bring them both down to the ground.

He’d pulled all nighters while working on his PHD. He and Danny both had stayed up for days on end when they were at a crunch point with their albums. But he’d never felt this exhausted before.

It’s all caught up to me, he thought with a certain calm. It’s here. There’s no getting out of it, is there?

It was a bit clumsy, but once he sat Brian on the edge of his bed, Danny tugged the shirt over Brian’s head, along with his shoes and jeans. He hesitated and looked at his dresser – considering pajamas, maybe – before he shook his head and gently eased Brian down. His head landed on a pillow as soft as a cloud.

Faint panic sparked in his gut, and he grabbed hold of Danny’s hands, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“I’m here.” Danny smiled at him. He kicked off his pants and crawled into bed in his shirt and boxers, then curled up beside him. “It’s okay, Bri. Everything’s gonna be okay now. Got it?”

Brian opened his mouth, but his voice, so raw from crying, was impossible to find, and he settled for nodding as he nuzzled into the soft, well worn cotton of his lover’s t-shirt. A deep breath filled his mind with nothing but Danny – his smile, his laugh, his love.

Under the hand petting up and down his back and the quiet, faint humming of what Brian recognized as a lullaby, he fell asleep within seconds, plunging into a dreamless state of weariness.

 ~~

 He’s out. Danny let out a deep breath and closed his eyes as he felt Brian relax. He’s out, okay, it’s...it’s okay.

How he’d managed to hold up such a calm facade, he had no idea. He wasn’t built for this. Going from burning alive for Brian’s touch to crying into the back of his neck within sixty seconds nearly gave him whiplash. Hell, the fact that he’d even gotten him calm in the first place when he was falling apart at the seams...

How had he missed all the fucking signs along the way?

Danny rubbed his eyes as he rolled onto his back, tugging Brian closer as he went. Brian twitched in his sleep, but stayed under, and Danny exhaled slowly.

It didn’t make sense for Brian to fall apart. That was part of it. Brian was an incredible wall of intellect and cleverness. He didn’t give into these silly emotions like everybody else around him. He was unflappable to the very end. Right?

Apparently not.

God, how he’d shaken while Danny held him. He’d sounded like a fucking wild animal as he let out all the shit he’d been dealing with, wail after wail after wail. Danny was used to a more primal Brian in one instance only, and what happened in the bathroom had nothing to do with that. How eagerly he’d tried to seduce Danny – and how quickly he’d succeeded…

Had he done that before?

Danny’s mind flitted to the last time Brian had been so eagerly spontaneous – the bathroom at the restaurant – and covered his eyes as the weight of what must have been going on in Brian’s head sank down on him. He’d been trying to escape. Or distract him. Or both. And Danny had played right into his hands.

What a fucking shitty boyfriend he was, letting himself get caught up in being busy and working his ass off instead of paying attention to how Brian was falling apart. When was the last time he’d offered to help him pack for the move? Or that he’d even stopped by just to see him? Was this all about the move and nothing else?

No, the man who’d fallen to pieces and cried like that, it had to be about something different than planning for a new future. Right? Or was he wrong?

He couldn’t do this by himself. There was a reason that Danny’s preferred method of helping people going through things leaned on distraction rather than intimate conversation. He hadn’t even asked Brian what he needed, or said anything to help. All he could do was hold him and cry with him.

The depth of despair that Brian had felt… Even now, it could suffocate Danny as he considered it. He’d never been as empathetic with someone like he was with Brian. Was this what love was, truly and deeply, or was there a connection there that he could only ever have with this man?

So many questions. So much pain. So much that Danny couldn’t just fix. He hadn’t been in a long term relationship in years. How was he supposed to know how to handle it without fucking things up and making Brian feel worse?

Arin. He thought of the words he’d shared earlier that day – how he pointed out none so delicately that Brian was fraying at the seams, and had been for quite some time. How he’d shaken Danny out of his cluelessness and had told him with complete seriousness that if he loved Brian, he’d call him on his bullshit and get him to stop hiding whatever was going on. He’d anticipated having to do a little more work to get him to come out about it. He’d thought there would be deflection and laughter. The afterglow, he’d reasoned as Brian plied him with kisses, would be the perfect time to get him to start opening up about it, both of them floating in the honest intimacy that they ended up in every time.

Arin had been doing this for a lot longer than Brian and Danny had. He and Suzy had one of the healthiest relationships he’d ever seen. So maybe he could help.

Danny gently extricated himself from Brian’s arms, and when he heard the other man mumble something in his sleep he leaned to kiss his forehead, his heart swelling in his chest. He needed all the help he could get.

He wasn’t going to risk losing Brian over something as simple as this. As surprised as he’d been by the events of the day, he still knew him. He knew that Brian wouldn’t hesitate to run, if he thought it was better for Danny. Hadn’t he done that already? He’d gone to a whole fucking other country just to get some distance between them, even when he knew that Danny was falling apart over it – all to hide how he felt.

No more of that. Danny stroked Brian’s cheek, his forehead creasing with fervor. It’s you and me, man. You’re not gonna call the shots for me anymore. We’re figuring this life shit out together.

As he left him sleeping in his bed, Danny closed the door quietly behind him, then went to the living room and pulled out his phone. He shot Arin a text. “Can you maybe come talk to me about Brian? He’s here at my house. Sleeping. Things got bad. I think we’re fine, but I don’t know what the fuck to do when he wakes up.”

Arin’s quick “On my way now” reassured Danny to the point of sitting down and taking a deep breath. If he held all this in, would he melt down just like Brian had? He thought of the therapy he used to have – how it was the only place he could actually talk about what he was feeling without worrying what others would think of him. Suddenly he missed it, and he regretted laying his shit on Arin when he was just a friend – not even a professional paid to get his time taken up.

Was there a decent therapist nearby in town?

He didn’t have to wait long. Traffic appeared blessedly light, and a few minutes later there was a text coming through. “I’m outside. Didn’t wanna knock and wake him up.” Small favors. Danny went to the door and let Arin in, and immediately hugged him. Something he was thankful for in his relationship was that it inspired him to be more relaxed with touching his friends. That hug felt like the one thing keeping him afloat.

“Hey,” Arin murmured, squeezing him unabashedly in his arms. “He still asleep?”

“Yeah.” Danny pulled back and sighed. “I-I honestly don’t think he’s slept much for weeks now. You were right. He looks like fucking hell.”

Arin looked at the bedroom door as he moved past, rubbing the back of his neck, while Danny locked the door again behind him. “Yeah. Hell, he might sleep through the night. Might be just what he needs.”

Danny leaned into the door and curled his hand into a fist against it. “How didn’t I see it? I fucking work right next to him-”

“Hey.” Arin caught his arm and pulled him away, guiding him toward the couch. “No, don’t do that. That’s just gonna eat you up inside, dude. The past is the past. You gotta move forward. Both of you do.”

Danny nodded. They sat together, Danny perched right on the edge of the cushion, wanting to be able to spring to his feet if he heard Brian so much as start to stir. “I just...I was so fucking blind. My own boyfriend...I hate that I didn’t catch it. I don’t know how to do better in the future.”

“We can talk about that later.” Arin kicked off his shoes and curled up on the couch, watching Danny closely. “We’ve gotta talk about Brian, man. I don’t know what he’s gonna do when he wakes up. He’s been pretty damn deflective for weeks now. He could just try to pretend that nothing happened, or that we’re blowing it out of proportion, or...”

“Yeah.” He tented his hands and pressed them to his lips. The temptation to let more self hatred pour out was almost impossible to resist, but...no, he had to focus on Brian right now. All of him. “What do you think was going on? I haven’t even gotten to ask him yet.”

“You didn’t get anything?”

Danny shook his head. “He got here, he tried to, uh...distract me, and then when I tried to get him to talk he just fucking broke down. Threw up. Started crying. It was fucking bad, dude. Broke my goddamn heart.” His throat tightened up again in response, and he looked away. “Did I do this? Did me asking him to move in do it?”

“No, I don’t think that adds up. Didn’t you say he was excited when you first talked about it?”

“I think he was.” Every part of their relationship was cast in a different light now. He didn’t want to believe that Brian had been lying to him about how he was feeling this entire time – that he was happy and at ease in their relationship – but how was he supposed to tell for sure? “He’d...yeah, he looked like he was super stoked that I’d even brought it up. We talked about how I wanted him to know I was serious. He didn’t try to talk me out of it, he just...”

Arin hummed quietly in acknowledgment, and Danny felt like he could break under the gentle sympathy. “I don’t think this was your fault. If you’re thinking it is, get it out of your head right now.”

Bastard, knowing exactly what Danny was thinking. He stared at his feet instead of looking at Arin and showing him every damn thought in his head.

“Have you ever seen him break down like that today?”

Danny shook his head. “Not once. We’ve spent so much time together, and I’ve never seen him tear up. Not even when he’d get drunk and talk about his parents or anything, it was just...calm. Serene.”

Arin sighed. “That means it probably goes back fucking far as dicks.”

“You think so?” He blinked at him.

“Yeah. What’s the phrase, still waters run deep?” Arin stared back at him, chewing on his bottom lip thoughtfully. “Like, let’s think about what we know. He’s a perfectionist. He’s a master of bragging humor. He builds himself up constantly-”

“-and maybe it’s the opposite of what he feels?” Danny wrinkled his brow. “That’s what you’re getting at?”

“I mean, it could be, right?”

Had he been barely holding himself together their entire friendship? Danny thought back, remembering quiet conversations years before they even met Arin, when Brian would let something self-deprecating slip out under his breath, then laugh it off when Danny would look at him – as if he hadn’t even thought he’d notice what he said.

“What the fuck do I do?” Danny asked quietly.

“Talk to him.” Arin put a hand on Danny’s arm, a quiet but strong connection that Danny clung to. “Find out what he’s going through. Then just...go from there.”

“To what?” Danny bubbled up with a bitter laugh. “How am I gonna be any help to him? I’m just the asshole who brags about how he fucking stopped therapy and medication all on his own! No trouble! Just, yep, toss your pill bottle in the fucking water, guys, it’s all good!”

“You don’t do that,” Arin murmured. “Every single time you tell that story, you make sure to say that people all have to do things differently – that you got lucky. What do you think’s gonna happen, that you’ll just...send him over the edge?”

Danny covered his face with his hands. Utter helplessness spread through him. “I just...I don’t...”

“Danny, listen to me. You’re the only person here, between the two of us, who knows what it feels like when everything’s too hard to bear. When you can’t figure out how to go on anymore. And if Brian feels even a little bit like that...then you’re the best person to help him.”

“But I might fuck up-”

“Okay.”

Danny looked up at him, frowning.

“People fuck up.” Arin slid closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and Danny collapsed into him. “I’m not saying you’re supposed to save him, dude – that’d be fucked up of me. Brian has to be the one to decide he wants help for whatever it is he might be going through. But you can be by his side and show him that it’s not a lost cause.” He paused. “The amount of times that Suzy has brought me up out of a fog just with her telling me she loves me, or that I’m not alone, or pointing out something about me that she thinks is amazing...it’s incredible. It works. And it’ll work for you too.”

“It’s not that easy, is it?”

Arin shook his head with a wry sort of smile. “It’s never easy. I wish it was. Whatever’s gonna happen here, it’s a process, okay? You know that.”

He did. It had taken ages until he felt exasperated enough to throw away his medication, then even longer before he came out from under the foggy withdrawal of what it had done to him. He’d been warned it wouldn’t be easy, and they were right. “I just...want him to know I’m not running away. Even if he feels like shit. Even if things feel hard. I’m staying.”

“Then tell him that.”

Danny nodded. “Yeah.” It wasn’t hard. Just being the one to tell Brian that he wasn’t alone – even if he thought he deserved it – could do so much good, he thought optimistically. And it was one step toward doing better than he had. No more missing the signs of his lover struggling. He didn’t want to baby him or hold his hand all the time – and Brian would probably throw a fit if he did – but he had to get his head out of his own ass.

Things had changed for them. Their relationship was completely different than it ever had been before. He couldn’t keep treating Brian like he was still just his best friend and nothing else. He had to keep his eyes open and see things that he might’ve never called him on before because of how he was raised – believing that guys had to work through their shit on their own.

He wouldn’t have ignored the signs of a girlfriend going through pain or trauma. He wasn’t going to do that for his boyfriend either.

“Do you really think I can help him and not ruin everything?” he asked quietly, searching Arin’s gaze for answers. “That...that I can stick around and show him how serious I am about this? And help him through shit?”

Arin grinned. There wasn’t a single question in his eyes. No doubt. No consideration. Just a strong, unwavering faith – exactly what he needed. “Dude, you know you can do anything, right? If I had to pick, I’d always want you at my back.”

It was so weird, how things had changed in just the past few months. Before he’d dated Brian, Danny would’ve laughed and joked away from the way his words embraced his heart and made him feel…happy. He would’ve shied away from feeling an intimacy between the two of them. But it was okay. It wasn’t weird or bad or wrong. It didn’t make Danny weak.

Finally he could see why Arin loved being as open and touchy-feely and kind as he was. It felt fucking amazing, if he could just drop his guard and invite people in.

“You want me to stick around for a while?” Arin asked quietly.

“Nah.” Danny slipped out from under his arm and stood with a sigh. “I...I want it to be just me, this first time. Is that selfish?”

“What, to want to be the guy your boyfriend leans on? To want to prove to him that you’re gonna stick by him no matter what?” Arin scoffed and rolled his eyes, smile widening. “You’re golden, bro, c’mon.”

Danny pulled Arin into a hug. Only a moment of hesitation – surprise, he was willing to bet – happened before Arin wrapped his arms around him in response. “Thank you. Seriously. I-I feel like I can actually do this now – whatever it is.”

“You need anything, you call me, okay? I’m serious. Any day, any time, I’m here.”

Danny squeezed his eyes shut and shakily exhaled. He’d never had such a fervent belief in someone being like a brother to him. He believed Arin. “Thank you. Uh, same, I mean it.”

Arin broke the embrace with a beaming smile. “Text me tonight about how things went, okay?”

“You got it.”

As Danny let Arin out, he lingered at the door, watching him walk away with a quiet sigh. Regardless of how Arin had built him up, there was still the temptation to be intimidated by what was about to happen. He had no idea what had made Brian break down in such a disastrous way. If it had anything to do with Danny, he’d feel guiltier than he could say, and the likelihood that he’d break down again was high. It was terrifying to think about. He didn’t want someone he loved to turn into that ruined, animalistic creature again. He wanted him to be okay.

It’ll take time, he reminded himself as he slipped back inside and shut the door behind him. Stay the course. Talk to him. And it’ll be okay.

He made his way to the bedroom and lingered for a moment, watching Brian’s peacefully sleeping face. Was there tension still in his body? Pain? Could he feel what was hurting him even still?

He crawled under the sheets with him and curled up close. He’d wait.

 ~~

 When he began to stir, he was sore as hell.

For a few blissful moments, Brian had no memory of what had happened to make him so tense in the first place – and then it came crashing down, every single thing he’d been trying to avoid for weeks, and he heaved a sigh and rubbed his eyes.

It had come for him, then. All of it. All the pain. The agony. The fear. The frustration. It had hit him all at once to the tune of Danny’s voice.

But it was okay. He could still talk his way out of it. Though he felt exhausted down to his bones, sleep wasn’t an option anymore, and he felt oddly like he’d gone through some kind of catharsis. So he needed to have a breakdown every now and again. That was just fine. He could manage to do that in a far more private way in the future.

He could even make sure that Danny was calm. That he didn’t think any of this had to do with him. That it was a fluke, and it would never happen again.

Easy.

He opened his eyes, then pulled back when he saw Danny’s face a few inches from his own. Shit. He thought he’d have a few more minutes to figure out a plan. Just seeing the way his eyes sparkled in the low light from the curtains gripped Brian’s heart with guilt. Why wasn’t he stronger? Why did he have to exist in this pathetic, humiliating way? Why had he made Danny worry by seeing him like that?

Danny brushed his fingers over Brian’s cheek, and he fought the urge to lean into his touch. The stronger he could be, the better.

“You can keep sleeping,” Danny murmured. For once, there wasn’t an ever present smile shining at him. Just that quiet neutrality.

Brian grunted and shook his head. He could still taste the vomit in his mouth. He hadn’t even rinsed it out before he fell asleep. He rolled onto his back so Danny didn’t have to smell it. “I’m fine.” Fine in every way. If he kept sleeping, he’d only wake up feeling like he’d been put away wet again, and he would risk it being taken as a sign of weakness. And though he might be weak, Danny sure as hell didn’t need to know that.

“Okay.”

“Seriously. I’m fine.”

Danny hummed in acknowledgment – in that little way that told Brian he didn’t believe him for a second – and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he looked toward the closet. Silence stretched between them both. No, Danny suspected that something was very wrong – maybe even pitied him – and it only made the guilt stab claws a little deeper into his soul. I have to do better. I can’t keep living like this. I have to hide it more. What kind of asshole has a PHD and can’t even put on a good show? There was a reason Brian rarely went to improv classes with them. He knew his weaknesses.

Maybe he needed to take a few more anyway.

“Brian.” Danny touched his arm, and the bare tickle sent a shock straight up to his shoulder. He wished he wouldn’t touch him. With every second of contact, Brian felt something lurching in his body – something that could collapse at any moment. “Can we talk about how you’ve been feeling recently-”

“What, tired as hell?” Brian snorted. “That’s how I’ve felt for the past few years, Danny, and if you’re that worried about an old man not getting very good sleep, I regret to inform you that you’re going to be seeing a hell of a lot of it once we’re living together. Insomnia is genetic. My mom had it. I have it. It’s just normal, all right?” He turned his head to look at him – sealing the deal. “Seriously, don’t worry about it.”

Danny stared back at him. For the first time, Brian saw the flicker of hurt in his gaze, and he swallowed it down. He’d punish himself with it. He’d show himself what would happen if he couldn’t get better at dealing with his own shit. He’d lose Danny that much faster.

He could avoid that, if he just tried.

Danny pressed his lips into a thin line as he flicked his gaze over his face, like he was trying to memorize him. Was this it? Was this where he told him he wouldn’t be moving in? Bile tinged the back of Brian’s throat, and he swallowed, desperately trying to keep it down.

When Danny opened his mouth, his words were quiet but firm. “Why do you need to lie to me?”

He hadn’t expected things to be laid out quite so cleanly. Brian opened his mouth, then closed it again, wrinkling his brow. It was a hell of a question. Apparently he hadn’t done nearly as well with concealing how he’d been feeling as he thought he had. A wordless sound came out, embarrassing, and Brian looked away. He had a sharp awareness of the location of the door. Of where his keys were. Of where he parked. Run, his body whispered, run, run.

There was nowhere to run, though. Not anymore.

He was a fucking idiot, acting like he could just shove everything down and hide it once more when he’d already showed it in stunning clarity. Only someone worth their salt could manage that game, and Brian certainly wasn’t. The beginnings of hysteria kissed his mind. After all that time spent trying to look like someone better than he was to Danny…

It had been wasted. Either he could lie to him again and hurt him, or he could just...talk about it, so that at least Danny knew he wasn’t trying to burn things down intentionally.

Could he do it? Could he show him an ugly place inside of himself? He tensed, and Danny thumbed over the sensitive skin on his inner arm, up and down and up and down, a dizzying rhythm that made his head spin. I already did. He thought of the vomit in the toilet – the second time that he’d spilled from his emotions toward Danny. How did this man have such a grasp of him? How did he made it so damn easy to wiggle deep down inside of Brian and stir up the parts that he hadn’t touched in years?

“I’m not worthy of you.”

Silence. “What?”

He absolutely hadn’t meant to say it out loud. Brian sat up and rubbed his eyes. Lightheaded from his earlier exertions, he nearly tipped out of the bed, and Danny caught him, then kept an arm around his shoulders. Numbness spread deep through him like ice, but the warmth of Danny’s touch began to thaw it, and when he realized his vision was blurring again he felt a stab of familiar panic. No, no, he wasn’t going to cry again. He didn’t fucking do that.

“What do you mean, you’re not worthy of me?” Danny asked softly – coaxing him like he might a wild animal – and Brian choked on another rough sound. What right did Danny have to sound so gentle? So sympathetic? Like he could hold the world on his shoulders like Atlas and never flinch under the weight of it?

Brian was heavy. He could drag him down beneath the surface of his emotions and fucking drown him there. He couldn’t make him suffer like that.

But the game was so damn exhausting. Keeping the mask polished and in place, hiding the stress he felt, keeping people distracted by the gilding on his life… Eventually the facade would have to crack. It was only a matter of time before Arin would’ve caught a sign like he had with that coffee mug. Within days of moving in with Danny, he could almost guarantee he would’ve snapped and shattered something. It had to fall apart, logically.

Perhaps it was better for everything to fall to pieces here and now, before Brian had moved in.

“Danny, fucking look at me,” he whispered roughly. He lifted his hands – dry, calloused, wrinkling, already dotting here and there with hints of the age spots to come. Just from that angle he could see the unattractive swell of his belly – could remember how it bulged beneath his shirts no matter how perfect his posture was. He could see the stretch marks that coursed over his thighs where his boxers were riding up. “Don’t you get it?”

Danny crawled around to face him and sat with his knees gently pressed against Brian’s. Brian could instantly see how his face didn’t have a wrinkle on it. How his hair, even flattened from laying on the pillow, held a sort of life to it that spoke of the effervescence inside of him. How his eyelashes were long and his lips smooth. He was gorgeous. “...okay, so, what am I looking at, exactly?” Danny asked as he tilted his head to the side and skimmed his eyes up and down Brian’s face, torso, and legs.

He paused. “...I look like a troll beside you.”

Danny burst out laughing so suddenly that spittle hit Brian’s face, and he covered his mouth as Brian howled in frustration and wiped it away. “I-I’m so sorry, Bri, I just, are you fucking kidding me?” Danny grinned as he reached out and cupped his face. “Fucking look at you. Do you know how annoying it is that all I have to do is look at your eyes and I get hard? Those are panty droppers, man! I’d kill to have your eyes!”

Brian frowned and glanced down. “Okay, but-”

“Guess what?” Danny’s hand slid down to cup the back of Brian’s neck. “You don’t look like a supermodel. And neither do I. I look like a prepubescent boy most days. Do you know who I’d kill to have an ass like you do? I literally look like a child. I can’t stand it.”

That was absolutely impossible. Brian shook his head, but he couldn’t find the words.

“Do you miss the fact that all you have to do is say one damn word to me, and I’m ready to fuck you? Do you think that’s just a game?” Danny looked over him again this time, but far slower. “Like a troll. You’ve gotta be joking. You’re the first guy I’ve ever noticed an attraction to.”

“Is that not suspicious to you? I...Danny, you never felt attraction to a man before? Literally never? That’s not how it works. Attraction can feel differently for various genders, yes, but there’s not just a gay-for-you thing out there outside of movies or books or whatever.”

Danny chewed on his bottom lip as he seemed to consider it. “...you think I’ve never thought about that before? What’re you so worried about there?”

“That I manipulated you into thinking you were attracted to me, obviously.”

Danny shot him a look. The shock in his eyes told Brian that he’d never so much as pondered the idea. “You’re joking.”

“No!” Finally frustration bubbled over. “None of this is joking! Why would I kid about this? Why would I fucking want to throw a wrench in my relationship with the man I fucking love over a joke? Would you stop asking that?!”

With the way he’d leaned back a few inches, Danny was taken aback, but he came forward again just as quickly and rested his hands on Brian’s bare thighs. His touch wiggled past his desire to run all over again, rooting him to the sheets. “Okay. That was fucked up of me to say. I’m sorry, seriously, I wasn’t thinking, but, like...you’ve gotta understand that I’ve never felt that way. Ever. Before I even knew you were interested in me, I was already struggling with how I felt about you. Remember? It wasn’t you, dude. I’d been freaking out about it for fucking years. How the hell could you have manipulated me into wanting you if you’d been literally on the other side of the planet to keep that from happening?”

Ah, logic. Normally his best friend. It felt like his worst enemy now. He only liked logic if it played into his plans, but here? Trying to undo what he’d believed for every damn day they’d been together? Impossible.

“It’s not just that, it’s...” It was all so hard to say. These were dirty little secrets he’d kept quiet for a reason. Even now he wanted to shut down.

“Bri. Please, man, we’ve gotta talk about this.”

But he couldn’t hold it in. Not if Danny was going to sound so desperate.

“You’re going to figure out one day,” Brian murmured, “that I’m not who you think I am.”

Danny watched him so closely that Brian half hoped he could read his mind and see exactly what he meant without him having to say every painful word. “...like, how do you mean that?”

What sort of secrets did Danny think he’d been keeping from him? Brian sighed. “Everyone always thinks that I’m this brilliant perfect guy. Right? Intelligent, educated, no boundaries, no discomforts. It’s obnoxious. Like everybody thinks I’m a fucking robot instead of a man with flesh and blood and too much shit to hide.” He shook his head. “I’m not that smart. C’mon. What kind of genius would deal with the things I do?”

“I don’t understand-”

“The fucking imposter syndrome? Hating what I see every time I look in a mirror? Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before things fall apart? If I was actually smart, I could hold it all back and-”

“Okay, stop there. Stop.” Danny grabbed both of his hands and squeezed them. “First of all, let’s just wipe that shit out of your brain right now, okay? That you need to hide it. Why would you need to do that?”

Spoken like a man who’d never felt the shadow of his failings hanging over him like an anvil. “It’s a lot, Danny. I can’t put everything I think and feel on you. You’d be exhausted. I’d be bleeding you from emotional labor every single fucking day, until you left me...” His throat tightened, and he tried to swallow it down. No. Not right now. He was better than crying like a child every thirty seconds. “I’m not going to make you put up with all of my shit.”

“Even if I want to?”

“Especially if you want to.” He forced himself to hold his gaze. “That’s how relationships go down the tubes. Someone has a Messiah complex, and someone leans on that person too hard and expects them to fix them.”

He knew that Danny couldn’t disagree. They’d seen it happen way too many times in the years they’d been friends – men expecting their girlfriends to be the only person to listen to their fears and pain, girls demanding their boyfriend’s utmost attention every second of every day rather than letting them go out with friends where they couldn’t watch them. The constant societal pressure of having a ‘one and only’ and how unhealthy it was. It would’ve been far too easy for Brian to slip into that mindset. Danny was soft and sweet and spongey, and he would’ve soaked up every bit of Brian’s pain without even questioning it, until it overwhelmed him. Brian would’ve taken and taken and taken, and Danny would’ve crumbled into dust.

He’d never do that to him. Ever.

For a long moment, they were both silent, no rebuttals, no plans, no magic methods to fix everything. But then Danny crawled forward, right into his lap, and wrapped his arms around his neck. He pressed their foreheads together. Brian expected him to kiss him – maybe to lull him away from the darkness in his mind with his body, like Brian always leaned on – but Danny just...stayed there. Held him. Touched him. Shared his breath with him. And, as the seconds ticked by, Brian’s heart pounded.

“I’m not gonna try to fix you, dude,” Danny whispered. He brushed a kiss over the tip of his nose, such a tender gesture that Brian’s eyes watered. “That’s not my job. I know it’s not. You think I’ve never felt like you have?”

Brian closed his eyes and held his breath. He wouldn’t break, he wouldn’t.

“I’ve been there. I’ve hated myself. I’ve thought I threw my life away. I...” He stayed quiet, but Brian saw an image in his mind anyway – the wall he’d stared at, sitting on his floor, listening to the silence after he’d told Danny he’d be leaving for the United Kingdom. How that must’ve felt...how he must’ve believed that everything he’d ever worked for had fallen to pieces. Maybe even wished he’d never sent the email introducing himself to Brian in the first place.

I’m so sorry, he thought, tucking his arms around Danny’s trim waist and holding him even closer.

“I didn’t wanna be a burden on anybody either. My friends. My girlfriends. My family. It felt like if I told even one person what I was going through, everything would shut down, but...I did end up telling somebody. Just one. You know who?”

Brian shook his head.

“I had a fucking amazing therapist.”

Something sharp and venomous spread through Brian’s mouth. He couldn’t imagine doing that – sitting in front of a stranger once or twice a month, saying every intimate secret he’d ever kept locked down tight. How selfish that seemed. How infuriating a job that had to be, listening to people be weak every single day for hours and hours on end.

He opened his mouth to say something biting, but the words wouldn’t come.

Danny kissed his forehead next, like he didn’t even care how wrinkled it was, and continued to murmur the words against his skin. “You’re a fucking master in your field, Bri. You and me both know you are. You’ve studied that shit until you knew it in your sleep – things nobody else would ever discover. And that’s what she had too, my old therapist. She knew things that none of my friends or family or partners would ever be able to say to help me. She walked me through getting on meds. She walked me through my withdrawal too, when I got off them. She was fucking amazing. If I had my way, I’d take you to her right damn now.”

Brian dug his fingers into the back of Danny’s shirt. Mortified, he realized he was trembling again – that the pressure on his eyes was from how he refused to open his lids even slightly, because he couldn’t let those tears fall.

“We could find you somebody. I wouldn’t let you settle, okay? I’d help you go down a list until you found somebody you felt right with. Someone that didn’t make you feel like you were stupid or weak. Someone who’d help you build your own coping strategies. Who’d help you stop your lies.”

He shook his head out of instinct, but Danny’s words shone light into his chest.

“You know they’re lies, right? You know I love you. That everybody loves you. And all we want is for you to see the handsome, brilliant, talented, incredible man we all see every day.”

He couldn’t believe that. He knew that he was a fantastic liar, and he’d been pulling the wool over people’s eyes for years, but...but he wanted to believe it. He wanted to think that the people he loved more than life itself loved him in the exact same way. Could it really be that simple? Why was it so fucking hard to knock the cobwebs out of his brain and think that, just once, he could be loveable?

Danny clung to him. He hugged him until Brian could barely breathe – and then he realized it was from the sobs he was holding back. That Danny could read him – could feel it, and knew exactly what he needed to let go. “Will you just try it? For me? Try getting some help? I-I can’t watch you hate yourself like this. I love you, Brian.”

That was it. It was too much. He buried his face in Danny’s bony shoulder and let out the tears, soaking straight through his shirt. He couldn’t keep doing this on his own. He’d hated himself these past few weeks – far more than he ever had before. Just indulging the thoughts was enough to suffocate him.

He wanted to see the man that Danny saw every time he looked at him. The man that he kissed, hugged, and made love to. The man that made his eyes look like stars when he stared down at him in those moments right before he pressed inside of him. Was Brian so brilliantly deceptive that he’d made Danny look at him like that? Or was there in fact some good inside of him that he had lost sight of years before?

“I-I don’t even know when it started.” The words were slurred, and it was all well and good – he didn’t know if he wanted Danny to hear them in the first place. “It wasn’t always like this, i-it wasn’t always so...”

“It won’t be.” Tears were on Danny’s voice again, and Brian hated himself for making the man he adored cry, but fuck, he loved Danny twice as much for crying for him so easily. “It’s not gonna be like this forever, I promise. We’re gonna get you help. And I’m gonna be right there with you. I’ll go with you. I’ll hold your hand the whole fucking time. It’s gonna be okay, babe, I promise.”

As Danny rocked him slowly, something about the motion seemed to stir the fog in Brian’s body. The darkness that had held over him for so long began to move, until a faint light shone through it and barely illuminated his heart. It wasn’t vibrant. Not enough to burn. Barely even enough to be seen at all. But it was there. For once, the black was shifting to gray.

It was the promise of hope and change in the air. And, as Brian cried out every tear in his body, he clung to it and welcomed it closer, inviting it in.

 ~~

 “I think that’s them!”

“You think the giant truck pulling up to your house is anything but the moving company?” Brian drawled, and Danny laughed, swatting his shoulder.

They’d done it, then. It had been hard as hell, and they’d been up past midnight the night before sealing the rest of Brian’s belongings in boxes, but it was finished. Never once had Brian seen Danny with so much patience. Every time that Brian began to feel even slightly overwhelmed – staring around them at everything left to pack, feeling the breath catch in his chest – Danny had brightly asked for him to go grab him a drink, or buy him a snack at the gas station, or carry a handful of boxes closer to the door. Gentle distractions. Things that gave Brian a task that was far easier rather than calling him out on how uncomfortable he was and making him feel like an idiot.

Brian hated being wrong, but he had to admit that Danny understood him far better than he thought possible – and that he was the only man who really seemed to know how to help.

He watched him as he bounded toward the front door like a puppy and jogged outside to greet the same movers they’d spoken to barely twenty minutes beforehand, and he smirked. “I love you, you idiot,” he whispered, just for the pleasure of saying it – of the fact that it still didn’t feel real, that he was here, doing this, moving in with Danny. Combining their lives…

They had such an adventure ahead of them.

“Just bring it in anywhere!” Danny said as he wandered back inside and gestured with drama better suiting an actor than a gangly guy with a shrub on his head. “Just, y’know, here, there...”

“I think they’ve got the idea.” Brian held a hand out to him, and Danny stuck his tongue out, as if he wasn’t already walking toward him to grab it. “Let’s get out of their way.”

“I’m never in the way,” Danny said with incredible confidence even as he let Brian coax him toward the kitchen. “You just want a snack.”

“Maybe.”

As Brian began rooting through Danny’s cabinets just because he could now – because the food in there was all his as much as it was his lover’s – Danny snuck behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. “So.” Danny kissed the back of his neck. “You’re ready for the appointment tomorrow? Got all your insurance info and stuff?”

Brian paused. He leaned against the counter with a sigh. When he felt the encroaching desperation to call the whole thing off, he took a deep breath and willed it away – just far enough that he could focus on the warmth of Danny’s body. A fitting distraction. “I have everything – and I’m as ready as I’m going to be.” He cleared his throat. “You, uh, still going with me?”

“Duh!” Danny laughed. “I’m with you to the ends of the earth, babe, you kidding me?”

No one deserved to be this lucky – yet here he was. Here Brian stood in the house of the man he loved, the house that now nearly belonged equally to him. Here he could live in utter domesticity with him, and dream of a future that might involve matching wedding bands on their hands, and even think a little bit about the sounds of tiny feet slapping the kitchen tile as they ran. Was that so terrible to wish for? To imagine? To hope would come to pass?

Nothing was fixed. Barely anything had changed. But, for once, Brian had the vision of a time where it could.

“You mean it?” he murmured.

Danny gently turned Brian to face him and cupped his face, leaning in for a deep kiss. He sucked the concern right out of Brian and replaced it with promises and intent and love, so much of it that he felt it in his curling toes. “You’re mine. I’m yours.” Danny grinned at him, and for the first time Brian caught sight of the deepening wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. A bright, smoldering attraction burst in his chest, spreading through him. “Nothing’s gonna ever make me let you go. I mean it.”

Brian cupped his face in both hands, brimming with hope. “I love you so fucking much.”

“And I love you.” One more kiss before Danny held him close. “I always will.”