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sugar-petals · 3 years ago

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get to know football prince kai havertz: intro masterpost

as my recent pretty boy agenda entails writing long ass meme essays about handsome male football players for you to look at and enjoy

today’s the day you get to check out the man of all men

welcome to an extensive introduction guide on germany’s #1 cheekbone export

with the wholesome hobbies

and the most important goal in european football this year

if you wanna know more about this looker? join the ted talk it’s gonna be outrageous

the sleek specimen in question: mr. kai lukas havertz (22), accidental supermodel forward at fc chelsea in england, yeah that’s the london team with the dark blue shirts, go tell em your sexy number kai:

29 bc he has 2 great legs and 9 lives like a cat, he respawns from everything you throw at him, you can see it from a mile away

immortal vampire with a back problem kinda guy, we hired him to scare the opposing teams shitless with his ominous booty posing it works

ikr he always looked way older than he is, blame that intense bone structure and low brow, kai’s barely in his 20s the hell

and admirably already made it as far as you can in the clubs, in case you heard about the champion’s league (...where all the best and sassiest european clubs compete for a comically large silver goblet), he scored the final’s winning goal

awkwardly, in typical fashion — my man tripped over the goalkeeper — but he did it, aged 21, very proud right here, this is how it happened:

wonderkid kai is also an attacker in the german national team, as the #7, which is the number of maximum years i predict it takes until he won the euros and the world cup at least once, it’s only a matter of time germany is gearing up we’re hotter than ever 😤

in both teams he’s basically um yeah moving his body back and forth gracefully on a large green field while looking amazing and doing genius things, that’s his job summary it’s simple on paper

the english press calls him the ‘silky german‘ and i get why, that silhouette that focus those fancy brows

since kai is a forward he’s also notoriously tangling himself up in the net of the opposing goal (you kinky mf, bondage in broad daylight)

and piercing through the competition with these absurd cheekbones

(it’s not plastic surgery. he always had these)

a whole model menace but please he’s actually goofy

should you wonder how to pronounce him at this point, roll the r a little harder and you got it down. he goes by kai havats if you consult most english commentators but the correct german rendition is kai-há-ve-ar-ts

he got a lotta fans learning how to spell it, eye of the hurricane, especially chelly simps for him 24/7

let’s find out in detail how my spaghetti-shaped husband is causing such a stir, this thread is structured with hashtags and we’re starting with the most obvious:

#LOOKS

so you’d like to know about his features and how to spot him (unsurprisingly: very easy, he’s a sore thumb everywhere, and surrounded by his puppy children)

we have all kinds of overly specific nicknames for his appearance, if you see ‘[random weird word] prince’ on football tumblr you’ll know it’s him

catch kai by his goal celebration: sticking his tongue out as far as he can, he thinks he’s havertz thee stallion, then he ends up like this somewhere at the goal line

kai always seems like he just broke into a different dimension, like a christian saint picture almost? why is he always looking up, what does he see, why is there suddenly a ray of light

he’s an offensive 6’3 tall, i guess he has a different perspective on what’s happening behind heaven’s door, maybe he consults with god on how to score after the next corner kick or something, no surprise he is so divine

anyway. never knew a bloke named kai who was unattractive, havi is no exception if not a prime example of overly serious tumblr sexyman

the whole fandom (i’m not aware that havertz stans call themselves a certain way universally, i just call ourselves the havies) agrees he’s the weirdest-looking 10/10 in the football game, and photographers eat him the fuck up

with a bunch of strange lighting and uneventful sponsored clothes he already brings on his inner lucky blue smith, holy mother of hair product they can make my giant baby look 35

even the way he just stands there is peak posing talent, he always tilts his hip to the right and hits the tyra banks, he came to be a statue

you can tell that people who stan this big ole asparagus all have cripplingly high expectations towards men and unfair beauty standards, a moment of silence for guys who are not kai havertz, when will they do notable slutty things every day like he does, when will they keep up, in their defence he was written by a woman i think (that’s arguably hard to achieve)

in that exact spirit he’s complemented ofc by lovely romantic curls and waves, contrasts well with his famously gaunt and bony face, love it when it’s longer and swept aside, very greek very heartthrob, i told you he’s unrealistic

he runs his hands through it every other second to indulge us, does he read our posts or what? log off tumblr kai practice your goal finish

he once had a straight hair phase back in the day and it was also very comely if not jawdropping, and don’t you say a bad word about his acne

the eyes are just amazing i’m aware, channelling some disney villain realness and then there’s kai’s doggo lmao, he is trying his best to paint himself as the most intense dog father ever like why, nobody’s gonna hurt your woofer smh

instantly recognizable long legs from a distance, kai stumbles across the lawn constantly. they do what they want faster than he can catch up, christ he’s talented

even at their most muscular they stay naturally slim, my man is very ectomorph, so streamlined mwah

since havi came to england from his former club leverkusen he did buff up a bit, his upper body is a lil different (also note the beautiful hands btw)

(more hand appreciation, they really are flawless)

his shoulder area is great too, the right balance of everything, a little geometry a little slope a little boyfriend vibes

and btw, geometrics: hey, chelsea. stop handing him these wild jersey prints. my head is spinning, kai’s already hypnotizing enough

and grant him more free time so he can indulge in his shaving fetish istg (...kai insists he hates having a beard on himself and his royal mood does turn more awry with every new grown millimeter — which is a problem since he gets a 5′o’clock shadow faster than his career took off, goddamnit havertz hormones)

that being said i bet his hair and aftershave smell so perfectly princely pristine like am i right or am i right, silky IS the right word, give this man a shaving commercial, come on gillette you cowards

...to sum things up. his face can’t be missed: everything’s flatter on the bone than the netherlands, his smile has these 3 fish-like wrinkles because he’s koi havertz our merman husband, touchable curly curls and browly brows, you almost never see the bottom row of his teeth, his suffering eyes are shaded like an anime swordsman on a vengeance streak, michelangelo went a little too feral when he put the chisel on kai’s cheekbones, aaand the fade up his nape and above his ears is so professionally done i’m about to faint from haircut bliss

razors and kai are best friends. spare my wig oh god why

he doesn’t have the same barber as chelsea’s goalie, but they look like brothers so watch out for major confusion, that’s mister ⭐️ kepa arrizabalaga revuelta ⭐️ for you right here, again for you to read it: ✨ arrizabalaga ✨

yes what a hot name, football twitter calls him kabi for short, i call him catty, or balenciaga, go on señor gato give us everything

mr revuelta is basically the 6’1 stubborn spanish version of kai with bigger gloves

kai’s hands are always cold so he wears gloves too, the man freezes as soon as the temperature drops below 25 celsius, he’s walking around like a bank robber, u just have to do a double take sometimes if it’s not kepi the cat ok

as a rule of thumb, kai is taller, like he would bang up his head standing inside kepa’s box lol

balenciaga’s cheekbones are deceptive and his frame is copy paste kai with slightly bigger tiddies i know, but kai’s silly ((( = u = ))) smile gives it away i think

ok now you know another sexy guy from chelsea and kai’s clone you’re very revuel-come

TL;DR — kai is ready for a milan runway, he’s very oddly sexy, kepa is the white gloves guy standing AT the goal and kai is the black gloves guy IN the goal because he crashed into the net for the nth time, i’m confident you can tell him apart on the pitch just look for a tall brunette with a knot in his legs

#PERSONALITY & PEOPLE

never let the royally stern expression trick you

kai is a raging enthusiast for rural life since early on. i know, adorable

you always find him somewhere squatting in a barn (he’s too tall for any ceiling) or outdoors. SOFT

donkeys are his thing, he’s big on animal rights (anti zoo, anti circus), he looks so beaten down if he can’t hug his donkeys daily, if someone calls them goats he’s rolling his eyes and goes off, this stuff is important to him he’ll protecc donkeys with his life thanks to him the whole fandom came to appreciate them

yes kai is ranty as hell once you set him off, he also cusses when he gets too excited and always ends up apologizing on twitter after winning something lmao

as a balancing opposite to being a swearing farmer he’s into the latest gaming technology, always scares the living hell out of himself when something unexpected happens

and guess who joins the gaming sesh and outdoor activities? oh yeah there’s a lady

kai’s childhood sweetheart and gf sophia weber. she’s not very much in the limelight or on social media but we do have some cute lq pictures of shy havi getting smooches 😌

been together for ages, very sweet couple, kai is always “my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend” that’s right, i adore these two, we sometimes see some PDA at the big games ( ˘ ³˘)♥

sophia is all of us

i love it she’s so enjoying herself

what i want to say she is an exquisite lady who want to congratulate, but i don’t really have to tell her, she knows, the smile says it all

not one doubt who’s the boss here let’s not beat around the bush

as far as we can tell by their updates kai is a very whimsical, cap-wearing but loving boyfriend and makes someone a very happy girl so we love to see it, she’s v proud of him like every german national team and chelsea fan so she’s our representative 🤗, his waist is free real estate i thoroughly approve

like isn’t miss soph lucky, and they are a little dog family 🐶😭

the man is a complete romantic he plays the piano and whatnot, superb hobbies what can i say

meanwhile his raging hormones resulted in baby fever and spiralling dad instincts so kai has been out there collecting the most endearing big puppers left and right so he has something tiny to take care of

(granted, everything and everyone looks tiny next to him)

now ye know where the tongue goal celebration comes from he learned from the greatest

sometimes he’s a bouncy upbeat doggo himself, don’t let the pokerface and height misguide you

especially in the presence of a certain gentleman who is very important in kai’s biography

mister julian ‘bestie’ brandt (25), a north german footballer himself, very blonde very cute very sexy, a triple threat you’ll like him, yes he’s also in the dog squad

(brand means fire or arson in german. no wonder he’s so hot)

jules is kai’s former leverkusen co-player in the midfield hence their connection, they know each other they’re friends from work

these two bromance the living hell out of each other on ig, always did photoshoots together, kai was glued to julian, they partied with each other’s families they go on vacation together they did joint interviews and fanmeets and promos

the football world watched on and concluded: goals with ball — second priority. #bravertz goals — first priority (beaming grins, how we love that)

nowadays, bad news, they’re far apart bc career, julian became a yellow bumblebee at dortmund back in germany which is a big deal the club is a staple

they complain about missing each other all the time, even way before his departure to england kai’s smirk has been wiped from his face i worry a lot is he ok

maybe they meet again in the national team, under ideal circumstances they play together for the crosscontinental tournaments which the entire internet and football press loves, bravertz can inspire world peace they are a humanitarian institution come on let them play

so yeah talk about pokerface, i know i know the man might um radiate some slightly pink purple and blue particles through these cheekbones if you catch my drift, god bless him

fingers crossed for julian’s inclusion in the germany nt soon

and as far as blessings and humanitarian things go, anyway. kai auctioned off a hundred of his expensive ass boots to help german flood relief, you heard about what was going on, he raised lots of awareness

again don’t be fooled: his personality in interviews is basically one-liners, the english press thinks he doesn’t care about anything based on his exhausted face apparently

it’s true that kai’s pitch alter ego is a sickly victorian leg poser who’s had too much opium and an existential crisis after church, but with his friends he’s all giggles and we know he’s a snuggly boo, am very glad to see his benevolent koi smile shining down on us every time 🐟☀️

like. i mean. this bitch is a gemini. A GEMINI! his moon is in taurus, and he’s a slutty catholic. i like slutty catholic geminis with their moon in taurus, hence i like kai it’s simple, he has a lotta sides to him, a special charisma y’know

june 11, 1999. that just rolls off the tongue. he’s from aachen which is notoriously impossible to pronounce for non-natives so let’s just say he’s west german from a district that has a lot of medieval history, the architecture is as majestic as he is

yeah i’m also wondering. how on earth did a homoerotic westphalian farmer from the 8th century get reincarnated in such a strange and glamorous haute couture body i don’t understand it, how did that happen

gemini duality i guess, best of both worlds 👌

he’s young and old… beautiful and odd… progressive and countrified… sweet and grumpy… an absolute hoe and a moral institution… get yourself a dude who’s like men’s shampoo. 2 in 1

saint and sinner i’m telling you, miss sophie is my witness he can do both

wait. kai actually has his own men’s shampoo franchise i’m crying

anyhow, since he is so young and manifold, i’m glad that he has older players at chelsea and the national team to look up to, or um to look down to, he’s so huge bro, imagine having to work with him and all you see is this, it’s no wonder that our germany nt is waving the rainbow flag more aggressively these days, kai is level 10 crushcore

in the national team he’s taller than our goalkeeper (wannabe boxer manuel neuer, right) and our buffest midfielder (mister world leon goretzka, middle) RIP, especially to kai’s back

everybody looks like he is their grumpy supermodel nanny i swear

my man really has to grow into that role please go easy on him he’s more of a moody teenager than a leader, he can only glare so much from the bench like a renaissance painting

gladly enough kai’s brain is impeccably devoid of anything at all, how else could he handle that level of fame and football capitalism, like if you ever heard him speak it’s basically the sloth in zootopia talking about family and home life, on the pitch he’s just there to speed around and be stunning so thank you for your service my prince

#STOWY

so a little bit on his story, not too many endless numbers and data but rather a cute childhood pic first, he still bites down his lip that way nothing has changed

havi has come a long way

for a dude this illegally handsome, his parents sure do work for the german law, we don’t know much about them but his dad is/was a police officer and his mom an attorney

they didn’t do anything to stop and arrest him i guess. and frankly nobody’s mad. kai can be as criminally sexy as he wants when he wants where he wants he’s the prom king made in bayer 04 leverkusen my friends, for ten whole years

the interesting thing is: kai’s father ralf was actually a footballer much like kai’s granddad but had to quit since it didn’t bring in any money, look at them now at the european championships

safe to say they don’t have that problem anymore. i’m not joking with you twinkus maximus is worth a 100 (!) million

yeah us havies stan an unaffordable man. if i want him at my own hypothetical football club, i can maybe buy a small corner of a donkey barn and try to lure him with that so he comes for free. but y’know. his happy face is priceless that matters the most don’t forget that

chelsea on the other hand, madmen they are, really paid that fucking sum for him to break up with julian, leave germany, and take the next step, now he’s an english superstar; london and twitter adore him

recently his performance isn’t always top-notch usually resulting in a wave of sighs, oh well, people forget he got fucked up by having corona in 2020, and julian is nowhere to be seen in england, the guy’s happy pill is absent, but kai scores when it’s important as we know, the trophies don’t lie

recently the other chelsea attack stars got struck with injury so now he can show what he got and the goals are settling in one by one, he remains a wizard

havi’s manager is a fellow german, the hopelessly crazed intelligence monster thomas tuchel, who somehow uses his shoes to hex his enemies & manages to accidentally create beef with any higher executives or big players every time, but i’d be damned if i wouldn’t say he recognizes quality and is passionate, his eyes are the keenest he analyzes it all

each premier league coach is completely gung-ho this is a fair warning, tuchi is not even close to an exception he’s the belly of the beast

thomas’ eyes and ears are very round that’s how you recognize him, i don’t know how else to describe this man. it’s like. he’s thinking about the ball so much, he became the ball. why are his ears so perfectly round

mind you a whole bucket of credit is due here, tuchi is a tactics and team building genius who sets very strict rules the german way so that’s exactly what kai needs he’s a whole ass bottom remember

it’s reassuring to know that they don’t have a language barrier because hav’s english skills are notoriously picasso-esque and 80% nasty words he picked up on the pitch (my man got so corrupted on the island 😭) and thomas is a true spiralling virgo weirdo who has to translate his english from the bavario-swabian linguistic complexities in his head. imagine the chaos

for those worrying that you have to learn german to understand kai: he talks in singular quips and chuckles, tweets in english, also in like four words or two unrelated emojis each, gemini again

…and half of football tumblr is both translating and clowning his every move. don’t fret my footie frens, you will know what he’s up to. and as with all footballers it’s the body that talks the most

and oh boy is kai talkative in that regard, body ody ody language

the havies can read his mood from the angle of his eyebrows by the millimeter, he is blatantly obvious and rejects being trained in PR i suspect, kai being unfiltered is v important to me and every football tumblr meme blog

for instance when he kaispreads on the bench he wants to be comforted and his disappointment is immeasurable that’s one rule

when he’s dragging himself across the pitch going >:| he is dire need of a particular huggy style. if he can’t bury his face in the crook of someone’s neck kai’s yearning turns into brooding turns into frowning turns into 24/7 emo grumbling. so please. give him hugs.

and when he goes *%&§#*+=?%&!! and his tongue is so far out it’s touching his toes he’s happy and carefree and trolling the press, get nasty kai 🤘👅

don’t you know that bottoms keysmash. he does that when he speaks. um kai this is not a text message it’s a real conversation

...you can tell we’ll hear a lot from him in the future

#TECH

and now the last segment: skills. but talking about football tactics and technique in text form is literally so dull though, let’s make it horny like the man himself

okay so you wanna experience what this pricey eyebrows bottom can do

if you see a constantly bent-over guy or a really tall person blocking people with his back on the field like a little spoon, that’s him at work. sometimes he squats down with his ass right in the camera

just peg him already

if u don’t believe me that he’s a little spoon ask sophia smh

he’s always running around in complicated swirls on the pitch, resembles his hair pretty much

kai kind of reminds me of a stork in his style of play, i mean it in the best of ways

also. with all that tongue stuff it’s only logical kai’s head game is pure fire, he’s working with his height ugh he jumps so damn high

but then again. in front of the goal he suddenly becomes the most patient person on the planet?? like he starts doing little tricks when the area is empty and he could just put the ball in?? he’s literally waiting?? tf why is he like ok uwu time for some on-pitch orgasm denial?? wow, and how

JUST SHOOT ALREADY, SHOOT

the whole penalty area could be on fire and he is there… chilling with the ball… dribbling it left to right… channelling his inner donkey energy…

i think he just wants to have people yell at him what to do

yea the finish is a bit— you know, embellished

(which includes almost busting his princely nose bridge by tumbling over the defense, kai please take care of your face the world depends on it)

#klutzykai

he’s also known for going completely overboard in one-on-one once provoked, his revenge tackles are more english than the english players, zero nuance detected, he has no idea how to be aggressive properly, also he’s throwing his co-players around like tomorrow never comes, cool down lukas nobody wants to celebrate goals with you anymore

you’re not a west london thug and you’re not built like mister romelu lukaku, kai please for the love of god when people test you stay classy

(^lukaku, also plays at chelly like kai, he’s five times as broad compared to our asparagus)

same thing when germany plays: the whole nation watches with horror as kai bodychecks another midfielder and then proceeds to axe some defenders he hates

he’s too skinny for it anyway but my man is officially disqualified from being a himbo he’s a rude one, but i think he’s targeting biphobes so i’m okay with it as long as he doesn’t collect red cards

i mean maybe he could need a little help from a friend. i think a lot of people are jealous of his vibes and prompt him, there’s a lotta ppl who wanna break these legs it seems

he’s had a player spit on him on the pitch in 2019, like wtf, so it’s understandable why he wants to send some don’t fuck with me signals, the referee is very busy with the guys around him i hate it here

dudes straight up wanna fight kai for existing. this madrid boomer nacho fernandez was wilding out on him at the champion’s league semifinal this year to the point where one of the chelsea veteran defenders had to free kai from his misery down there

mister césar azpilicueta you hereby receive the kai protection award from yours truly

and @ nacho stop bullying the prince of germany and discriminating against bottoms

kai’s noodly looks and legs are not his fault. touch him again and 80 million germans lead by julian brandt are ready to break your nacho nuts i’m maD

we’re about to end nacho’s career faster than kepa kitty can kill a penalty

i am reassured to know that timo werner is also playing at the chels, he’s a bitchy german striker with the good hair and a confusing smile so kai has someone similar to talk to, lmao these two

….although maybe some TLC would also be very nice for kai he’s just a very tall dog owner who’s very touch- and donkey-deprived, he’s kinda exhausting himself on the pitch without his cuddle battery being loaded

he’s great to watch regardless, the made in lermany (leverkusen + germany) quality is undeniable, he’s so glam he’s got mentality he is the moment, look at my spaghetti spouse

his style is leggy it’s convoluted and relies on bending over way too damn much = all in all every reason for tops around the world to switch on the latest german national team circus performance

or another dramatic chelly game at stamford bridge or wherever else they’re implementing tuchel’s tormentation tactics

watching kai is like he’s playing effortless piano with his feet

i can understand why he is so damn expensive

the lovely legs cannot be fathomed by someone who never saw kai wind and little spoon himself through a wall of defense… chef’s kiss

so that’s it on kai havats, hope you enjoyed the wild ride, hope you support my gen z husband or at least liked the leg pics

and chellies: we gang up on nacho and the guy who spit on kai next friday at 5 pm behind stan-ford bwidge, tuchi just rage texted me he’s joining with his shoe

we’re waiting for u nacho <3

🌸 in the meantime 🌸

i wish kai a very champion of europe and i hope all your donkey farm dreams come true, thank you for blessing us with your saintishly sinful handsomeness, our curly prince beloved, our 2-in-1 men’s shampoo, the only cheek gills gemini we can accept, i love you twinkus maximus you’re one of a kind 🐟💙

#kai havertz #fc chelsea #germany nt #football #german nt #long post #football intro #kai havertz memes #germany nt memes #football memes #julian brandt #bravertz #timo werner #thomas tuchel #romelu lukaku #sophia weber #bayer leverkusen #borussia dortmund #humor

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