#are the meds working or am I just not in school and not pmsing

[madnesswithasideofsanity]

I’m not dead, just trying to regrow the garden in my heart

[thisaliennerd]

hi everyone i am not! doing! well! for the third day in a row and it is seriously fucking with me

[thejolexgroupchat]

the one where they met in med school - part twelve

silk red boxer briefs and broken bones

Hi everyone!! Hope you enjoy this next part. This one was so much fun to write for obvious reasons. Let us know what you think and what you’d like to see next.

If you haven’t read parts 1-11, go check out our Master List :)

Happy Reading! - @iamtrebleclefstories​ @doc-pickles​ and Nat!

———

(February 2006)

Alex felt stupid. Like, if this didn’t go well, he wouldn’t hear the end of it for years. He wasn’t even sure if Jo would like it. If she wanted this. She never said anything about Valentine’s Day, but he assumed it was because back in October she mentioned something about how she’d never celebrated it before. Jo didn’t exactly know what to expect when it came to holidays in general, let alone a holiday that was dedicated to love. 

It still kind of blew his mind that he was the first person to ever truly tell Jo he loved her. He was the first person to show her that she was worthy of someone’s care and admiration. There was just so much to love, he didn’t understand how anyone could’ve ever met her and thought otherwise. 

So that’s why he found himself doing this incredibly stupid, cheesy thing, because Jo had never had someone make a fool of themselves to show her that she was worth it. He’d written her a card with some of the most romantic and sickeningly sweet things he’d ever said. He bought champagne, lit some candles and littered the bed with dozens of rose petals. He even bought a pair of ridiculous red, silk, boxer briefs that he’d be wearing when she got home after a long day of classes.

He’d just finished the last couple touches when he heard the front door open and Jo’s light footsteps make their way across the small apartment. Alex took a deep breath as he watched the doorknob of the bedroom turn.

“Alex?” Jo stopped in shock staring at the sight before her. “What is going on?”

“Happy Valentine’s Day?” Alex smiled awkwardly and pointed around the room. “You said you’ve never celebrated Valentine’s Day and neither have I, so I thought I’d put together something nice. But now that you’re staring at me like that, I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t have.”

Jo stood slack-jawed as her eyes scanned the room, noticing the rose petals, the candles, the champagne, a letter with her name on it, and Alex standing in a pair of red, silk boxer briefs, looking back at her with flushed cheeks. She let out the tiniest laugh, “Oh my God.”

“And now you’re laughing at me. Great,” Alex grumbled, face turning hot with embarrassment. “I knew I shouldn’t have done this.”

“I’m not laughing at you,” Jo grinned, eyes shining. “I’m laughing because I’m in shock and I can’t believe you’d do this for me. You aren’t exactly the most romantic guy.”

“I know,” Alex sighed. “I know I’m not the most romantic guy and this is probably really weird for you, but you deserve this. You deserve all of this and more. So yeah, I bought champagne and put flowers on the bed, I wrote you a love letter and I’m standing here in these… really tight red shorts because you’re worth it. And if I have to make a fool out of myself to show you that, then I’ll do it.” 

Jo’s face softened and she grabbed Alex’s face in her hands, “I love you. And I love that you care so much. But really, Alex you know me. You didn’t have to do all of this. Valentine’s Day is special and has been special for the past two years because I’ve gotten to spend it with you.” She lifted her hands off his face and ran them along the waistband of his red boxer briefs, looking at him suggestively. “Besides, I am a simple girl.” 

“Really now?” Alex raised his eyebrows and allowed a sly grin to make its way onto his face. “So… what do you say we forget all the fancy stuff and just have sex?”

“Hold it right there, mister,” Jo placed her hand on his chest and pushed lightly. “At least pop the champagne first.”

“Yes ma’am.” 

———

(January 2008) 

“Hey! I haven’t seen you around in awhile,” Jo stood next to Lexie at the nurses station, bumping her friends shoulder as she looked her over. “You haven’t been avoiding me have you?”

Lexie’s eyes widened as she turned to Jo, a blush spreading across her cheeks, “No! I’ve just been busy, I’ve been on Sloan’s service so you know how that is.”

“Oh he still finds time to operate in between screwing every nurse in the hospital? Interesting,” Jo chuckled as she pulled the chart she’d come over to grab, noticing Lexie’s lack of response to her joke. “What? Don’t tell me you actually like the guy. He’s a major douche and that’s coming from someone who’s dating Alex.”

“Hey! Watch it,” Alex walked up to the duo, pressing a kiss to Jo’s cheek as he took the chart in her hands. “What’re you talking about? Sloan sleeping with all the nurses?”

“Why are we still talking about Sloan’s sex life?! Why can’t we just drop it,” Lexie’s voice was shrill and loud as Jo and Alex stared at her in confusion. “I have things to do, I have to go!”

Jo watched as Lexie stormed off, head tilting to the side as she tried to decipher her friend's mood. Alex shrugged, turning his attention to the chart in his hand, “Must be PMSing or something.”

“Alex! Come on,” Jo smacked Alex’s shoulder and stared at him incredulously. “Somethings up with Lexie, I don’t know what it is but I’m going to find out.”

Alex rolled his eyes, pressing a kiss to Jo’s forehead before walking away, “Let me know what you figure out Sherlock!”

__

Jo couldn’t put her finger on what exactly was up with Lexie. She was for sure avoiding Jo now, turning the other way if she saw her in the cafeteria or in the hallways. And the other interns said she’d been leaving as soon as her shift was done, barely saying goodbye to them before jetting out the door. 

After knowing each other for almost five years, Jo and Lexie kept very few secrets from each other. The situation at hand however made Jo nervous, worried that maybe she’d done something to upset Lexie. Lost in her thoughts, she almost missed the frantic voice of her best friend as she rounded a corner towards the surgical floor. 

“Jo! I need your help,” Jo turned towards Lexie’s voice, finding the brunette leaning out of an on call room with a nervous look. “I messed up, oh I’m so screwed. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier but-“

“I said Torres not an intern,” the voice booming inside the on call room made Jo’s eyebrows sky rocket into her hairline as she met Lexie’s eyes. “Come on Little Grey, I’m dying here.”

Jo tried to peek around Lexie, but the other girl kept herself firmly positioned in the doorway, “Oh my god, are you sleeping with Sloan?!”

“Yes and I think I broke his… you know…,” Jo pressed a hand to her mouth as she realized exactly what Lexie was saying. “Do not laugh! This is not a laughing matter! I need you to get Torres, please?”

“Okay okay, but you owe me so big,” Jo walked away, giggles escaping her as she began her hunt for Torres. “Oh man I’m never letting her live this down.”

Jo continued down the hallways in search of Doctor Torres, frustrated that she was seemingly nowhere to be found. She really did want to help Lexie out, but she had her own work to deal with.

“What’s got you all hot and bothered, Princess,” Jo visibly relaxed as Alex came into her view. “You need me to drag you into an on call room for some stress relief?”

A chuckle left Jo as she shook her head, “No I’m looking for Torres actually. You will not believe what I just witnessed.”

“Torres and I just finished a consult actually,” Alex motioned to the orthopedic surgeon who sauntered up to the duo.

Callie eyed Jo suspiciously as the younger woman wrung her hands. Before she could ask what was happening, Jo blurted out her dilemma, “I found Lexie in an on call room and I’m pretty sure she broke Mark Sloan’s penis.”

Alex and Callie stared at Jo in shock, both too stunned to answer as they took in what she’d just said. A moment passed before Alex broke out into loud laughter, followed shortly by Callie who was struggling to fight off tears as she bellowed with laughter. 

“That’s a good one Wilson,” Callie clapped Jo’s shoulder as she wiped at her cheeks. “Oh that’s a funny joke!”

Jo rolled her eyes, turning to Alex with a serious expression, “I’m not making this up! I’m pretty sure that’s why Lexie was acting weird the other day, because she’s been sleeping with Sloan. And now she’s gone and broken the man’s prized possession.”

“That’s her serious face,” Alex pointed out, his laughter dying down as he stared at Jo in disbelief. “Wait, Lex really broke Sloan’s penis?”

“Yes! Will you please go help them,” Jo pleaded to Callie. “I love Lexie but I don’t wanna think about her and Sloan getting it on. That’s too much, even for me.”

“Oh no Wilson, you’re not getting out of this that easy,” Callie shook her head in amusement. “I’ll give you two minutes while I go check on him and call Shepherd or Hunt, but you’re scrubbing in on that surgery.” 

Jo’s face dropped in horror as Callie walked away. Jo looked at Alex, “Oh God… I think I might be traumatized after this.” 

“I’m never gonna let Lexie live this down,” Alex laughed again. “She always gave us so much shit about our sex lives. She will never hear the end of it from me.” 

“I just don’t understand,” Jo shook her head in confusion. “Why Sloan? He’s like… sixteen years older than her.” 

“People want who they want,” Alex shrugged. 

“No you don’t get it. Lexie has only slept with like six people in her entire life. She’s normally so selective with who she sleeps with. She doesn’t sleep with just anyone,” Jo turned to Alex with raised eyebrows. “That’s why I’m so surprised she ever slept with you.” 

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex scrunched his face and pointed to himself. “I’m great in bed.” 

“Yeah but you’re you,” Jo patted his shoulder and walked away. Leaving Alex standing there in confusion. 

***

Jo had just scrubbed out of surgery when she found Lexie waiting outside for her, sheepish expression on her face, “Look… Jo—“

“How long?” Jo raised an eyebrow at her friend. “How long have you been sleeping with him?”

“Two and a half months,” Lexie mumbled quietly, avoiding eye contact with her friend.

“Two months! Geez, Lexie,” Jo shook her head. “Why didn’t you tell me? I tell you practically everything. Two and a half months? You found out about Alex and I days after we got together.”

“I know,” Lexie banged her head against the wall. “I—He’s my attending. And he’s notorious for screwing anything with a pulse. I just didn’t want anyone’s judgments or opinions. Especially because I was the one who initiated everything.”

“Lex, I’m not just anyone,” Jo leaned against the wall next to Lexie. “I am your best friend. I’m the person you’re supposed to talk to about this stuff. And I know I didn’t have a lot of experience in being someone’s person before meeting you, I do know that these are the kind of things that we should be talking about.”

“I know. And I’m sorry,” Lexie sighed. “It’s just… ever since my mom died last year, I can’t help but clam up when I should be talking to you about what I’m going through.”

“How about this, any time you share something with me, I share something with you. You told me about Sloan so now I’m going to tell you something,” Jo turned to face her friend. “Do you remember back in May when I was a wreck and Alex came to Boston to check on me?”

“Yeah,” Lexie nodded. “I was really worried. You wouldn’t talk or eat. All you did was cry.” 

“Well, I had a pregnancy scare back then.”

“You what?” Lexie’s eyes widened. 

“And I didn’t know how to deal with it so I just cried for three days before Alex showed up,” Jo looked over at Lexie and let out the smallest laugh. “He was so good about it, too. He held me and took me to buy the test and read the results. Then he told me that I wasn’t crazy for feeling a little disappointed that the test was negative. And… that was the first time he told me that he wants to marry me and have kids with me one day. When we’re ready.” 

“Jo that’s—wow,” Lexie reached over and squeezed her best friend’s hand. “We really got to do better at talking to each other.”

“Yeah we do,” Jo agreed. 

“I can’t believe you thought you were pregnant and didn’t tell me,” Lexie narrowed her eyes at Jo.

“I can’t believe that you started sleeping with Sloan and didn’t tell me,” Jo countered.

“That’s fair,” Lexie’s face broke out into a grin. “Next time you think you’re pregnant, you better tell me.”

“Who says there’s gonna be a next time?” Jo wrinkled her eyebrows.

“Please,” Lexie scoffed. “With the way you and Alex go at it, I’m surprised that you’ve only had one scare.”

“Oh shush,” Jo shoved Lexie slightly. “Watch out, before you have a scare.”

“Please, my IUD is a faithful friend and she wouldn’t let me down,” Lexie grinned. 

“I really hate you sometimes.”

[teiasviago]

My Mountains of Pain are Smaller Than Others

I mean, that’s what I keep thinking. I hear about other people’s problems and I’m just like, “Oh, mine must not be real problems.” So I’m like, “I’m okay, I’m fine. I’ll be okay soon.” But when is soon? Because it’s been soon for years, since I was in Pre-School.

Those are my earliest memories, but back then I didn’t have the words to describe my mountains. All I knew was that people are scary, vomit is scary—get away from me—get away from it, and that I can’t sleep during naptime, how does anyone else sleep???

As I got older, I found out that carbonated drinks burn my throat, that my tears are quick to come, and that I vomited oh god nonononononono and then I walked around school with my arms wrapped around my midsection for months, from the later part of third grade to the earlier part of fourth grade.

People would cough and I would freak out internally, because, one time, I was coughing and my dad asked if I was okay and I said yes and then I barfed, so ever since then I’ve been paranoid.

I grew older, and found the words to describe my mountains: anxiety, emetophobia, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, depression, agoraphobia, and hyperactive gag reflex.

I was diagnosed with anxiety... I don’t know when. I only found out that I had been diagnosed when I went in for my general doctor’s appointment this past fall. I was given medicine over summer but it made me feel nauseous and triggered my hyperactive gag reflex. So I started on a new one, but my stomach had been messed up, and I had to start on meds to help with that.

I’m pretty sure the anxiety disorder that I have is specifically social anxiety disorder, because I never trust myself around people; I always doubt what I say. So when I take the leap and say something only to have somebody fight me instead... I regress. The medicine I take helps a bit, but I find it hard to remember to take it and I have to take it for a while consecutively for it to work properly.

I searched the phobia of vomit when I was thirteen, which is called emetophobia, and self-diagnosed myself because I suffer from these symptoms:

Eliminating foods that you associate with vomiting.

One time, I ate cookies with red frosting on them and then threw up later in the day. The vomit was pinkish. I hate eting cookies with red frosting on them to this day.

Eating slowly, eating very little, or eating only at home.

Whenever I throw up, a few days/a week later, when I’m perfectly fine, I still don’t eat much, if at all, out of fear that it’ll make me vomit.

Smelling or checking food often to make sure it hasn’t gone bad.

I ate pudding that was probably expired because it tasted bad and freaked out, thinking it could cause me to throw up.

Not touching surfaces that could have germs that lead to illness, such as doorknobs, toilet seats or flushes, handrails, or public computers.

I don’t suffer from this exactly, I just compulsively wash my hands or use hand sanitizer.

Avoiding drinking alcohol or taking medication that could cause nausea.

When I was younger, I vowed to myself that I would never drink alcohol, even though one glass or bottle doesn’t make you vomit. I can’t drink it anyway since my throat is hyper-sensitive.

Avoiding travel, school, parties, public transportation, or any crowded public space.

I once skipped a friend’s birthday party because I was gagging badly and thought I was going to throw up.

Having trouble breathing, tightness in the chest, or increased heartbeat at the thought of vomit.

Extreme fear of seeing someone vomit.

Extreme fear of having to throw up but not being able to find a bathroom.

Extreme fear of not being able to stop throwing up.

Panic at the thought of not being able to leave a crowded area if someone vomits.

Anxiety and distress when feeling nauseated or thinking about vomit.

Persistent, irrational thoughts linking an action to a past experience involving vomit.

I self-diagnosed myself with low-scale insomnia caused by my anxiety and emetophobia because I have a hard time staying asleep, I just wake up really early even though I’m tired and would like to go back to sleep, but once I’m up, I’m up.

When I was younger, back during those really rough times in third and fourth grade, I remember laying in my mom and dad’s bed with my mom, maybe my dad too, and crying, saying that I wanted to die. And now that I’m older... those thoughts have sadly come back. Not the “I want to die” thoughts, but a different type, ones like:

My brain: *playing out a scenario of me stabbing myself or cutting my wrist* Me: Ew, wtf!!!!!!! BRAIN STAHP IHSDLUIGLDYWT

I don’t know how to deal with those thoughts, but they usually come while I’m PMSing, which means that it would probably help if I took birth control medication that regulated my homones, but does that shit even come in anything other than pills?? I can’t take pills because that triggers my hyperative gag reflex which triggers my emetophbia!

I self-diagnosed myself with depression because, while my symptoms generally only occur while I’m PMSing, they happen on a regular basis. I suffer from these symptoms:

Emotional well-being, such as feelings of incompetence (e.g. “I can’t do anything right”) or despair, crying, intense sadness, feeling sad or empty, anxious or hopeless.

Behavior, such as refusing to go to school, avoiding friends or siblings, thoughts of death or suicide, loss of interest in activities, withdrawing from social engagements, thoughts of suicide.

Cognitive abilities, such as difficulty concentrating, decline in school performance, changes in grades

Sleep patterns, such as difficulty sleeping through the night, waking early, sleeping too much

Physical well-being, such as decreased energy, greater fatigue, changes in appetite, weight changes, aches, pain, headaches, increased cramps, digestive problems.

Mood, such as irritability, anger, mood swings, crying

And lastly, I diagnosed myself with agoraphobia, because I feel...

trapped

helpless

panicked

embarrassed

scared

...when I’m in situations that I’m not comfortable with, such as asking a teacher for extra help.

I typically am...

afraid of leaving my home for extended periods of time

afraid of being alone in a social situation

afraid of losing control in a public place, i.e. crying

afraid of being in places where it would be difficult to escape

detached or estranged from others

anxious or agitated

When I got scared and panicked internally I would:

tremble or fidget

experience hot flashes or chills

and sweat excessively

When I was younger, I thought my problems weren’t “real” problems, so I tried my best to ignore them. Now, I know that my problems are every bit as real as other people’s, and that treatment can be found, that I can feel happy a lot more than I usually do. It’s still a struggle everday to change my way of thinking, but if I keep at it, I’ll keep having more good days than bad ones.

(All health information via Healthline)

[tayegi]

The amount of planning you put into your stories. The slightest details to everything, including the characters personalities and the way they behave towards different situations etc. I just wow. Your writing is amazing and we truly don't deserve it. Thank you for haring with us!

Anonymous said:you're amazing and i love you. YOU NICE. KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!!!!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Anonymous said:the new rules update!!!!!!!! im screaming!!!!!!!!!! jungkook you bloody idiot!!!! god i love your writing so much its always so heartwarming to see you've posted something

Anonymous said:Really nr could be a full length novel, I fucking love it. I was reading the last chapters at uni and almost cry, I had to hold it up but your music recommendations just made it hard. I love that you include songs to listen while reading.

Anonymous said:Btw I just wanted to tell you that I get so fucking excited when you update new rules you don’t understand like it actually made my day/ made me angry/ sad but in the best way so thank youuuuuuuu!!! Also I’m dying for Jungkook to get his shit together oh my god

Anonymous said:idk maybe im too emotional and pmsing but i legit cried reading chapter 11.... jk always reacted weird to relationship talk.. it’s obvious he has scars .. BUT ITS ALSO OBVIOUS HE LOVES OC NDKSKDK IM SO CONFLICTED !!! that shit hurted :-( i just want tHem to be happy UGH

Anonymous said:OMFG So I started following you like eons ago and I can't remember for what fit exactly but then I came upon New Rules and I read all 11 chapters in the span of 1 night and I am OBSESSED. I love how annoying Feminist the Character is, and how strong her personality. And I don't mean annoyingly as a bad thing I just mean that the people around her know her too well for going on these rants and tangents and it's so relatable and I love it. You did such a good job developing the OC and I'm ShoOk

Anonymous said:I have been quite stressed lately, trying to keep with all the work for senior year, studying for the gre and I still need to get started on my grad school applications. I haven't read the last couple of chapters of New Rules because I want to savor it properly after I am done with all this at the end of the year. I treasure and I am grateful for each update and want to give it the attention and love the work deserves. Just wanted to let you know you are greatly appreciated! LOVE YOU!

Anonymous said:Hi Lu 💕 just a reminder to please take your time writing. Take a bubble bath, drink some tea, watch some animal videos, go for a walk, eat something delicious, google some pictures of tae, idk do whatever you need to be happy! Don’t ever feel pressured to please your readers 😄 only write for yourself Oh, and happy Halloween 😈

Anonymous said:I feel so conflicted because I read new rules chapter eleven and I felt like my heart was getting ripped out and stomped on...but the writing was so fucking good I couldn’t hate it for making me feel this way..ur an incredible writer love💕💕💕

Anonymous said:Hi Lu! I don't really have anything to ask you, just wanting to pop by and tell you that you're a quality human and I hope your days get better and better

asmi10 said:I've wanted to write this to you for a while since I see so many people asking you for updates! I can not imagine how difficult it must be for you to manage your phd and your writing. I'm a writer as well, and I'm currently applying for my PhD on postcolonial literature. And my heart breaks, trying to find some time to just write. so imagining your situation seems even more impossible. I wish you rest, and whatever it is you need to make yourself feel better!

Anonymous said:omg love no need to thank me at all!!!! You deserve all the love in the world and all the encouraging messages! I’m just happy you even replied to my message! It means the world to me that you think my message meant the world to you (if that makes sense) I hope you have a lovely lovely weekend 💗💗 (happy anon)

Anonymous said:Also you're h*ckin cute and my lil bi heart is going wild 4 you 💖💖💖

Anonymous said:Hey I just wanted to say how much I admire you 💖 You're one of the first writers I followed on here and as someone who is a fan of BTS and aspires to be a writer one day (if I can fckin pass my uni course) I really appreciate all the time and effort you put into your pieces, as well as your blog as a whole. You remind me to include diversity always, even when it's not always the first thing that comes to mind, and that sticking to your morals and values is immensely important ❤️❤️ Much love

itsrachelm said:Luuuuuu! You seem to be online so I just wanted to pop by to say thank you for all your amazing writing!!! I hope you’re having a wonderful day!

Anonymous said:You’re so cute, I saw the pic of your face and all I can think of us how cute you look

lucielux said:HOW ARE YOU SO PRETTY OOF ♥︎ You remind me a lot of Lisa, with a lil bit of Jennie~

Anonymous said:BETTER THAN LOOKS IS CERTAINLY PERSONALITY AND I LOVE YOURS! I Wish i could be more like you irl you know, knowing my rights and actually making them a big deal instead of being silent most of the time :( we need more people like you in the world and seeing your face makes me happy for knowing exactly WHO i am thankful for existing and bring yourself ♡ take care of yourself Lulu ♡♡ i really admire you for sharing with us your thoughts, that is such a personal thing, through amazing stories ♡♡♡♡

Anonymous said:Fab gurl with fab personality pls do never feel bad abt urself 💜💜💜💜💜💜I PURPLE U 💜💜💜💜💜 ah, can i call u big sis??? Or nah? Thats okay too i respect u 😗😗😗 ughh i feel like a kid when write like this lol K BYE

Anonymous said:you may not look like min yoongi, but that stare could definetely cut a bitch!!! i don't think i've met someone who's so aborably intimidating in my entire life 😮 anyways, i like every single one of your stories and i have a lot of respect for you for working in a STEM occupation... that's not easy, coming from a pre-med student 😅 i hope you have a lovely day and i hope no one fucks with you 😁💓💓💓

Anonymous said:If all middle aged fisherman look like that then I have clearly been missing out. Who needs tinder when turns out that the hot people hang out at the pond. Better start going to lakes to find an extremely pretty date😭🤔

I HAVE THE CUTEST, GREATEST FOLLOWERS OF ALL TIME. I LOVE YOU ALL

[fitterhappiermoreproduktive]

Fraud.

I kinda feel like a fraud.

Like one of those houses in a Tim Burton film, symmetrically sequenced to look like all the rest. Perfectly well adjusted with a perfectly manicured lawn, equipped with an 8x8 green square for a front yard, equipped with 3 inch blades of grass and a 6'5" tall unicorn shrub for some good ol' razzle dazzle.

I look like I am doing SO FUCKING WELLLLLL OH MY GAWWWDD LIKE, YOU LOOK GREAT, LOOK AT YOU MAKING SOMETHING OF YOURSELLLLLFFFFFF

But actually please fucking save me. I'm getting straight A's, unemployment so I don't have to work, I live with my amazing boyfriend who loves me to death and doesn't make me pay any bills... so none of the real money struggles that folks have really apply to me.

And I'm still fucking miserable.

I take my vitamins every day, exercise 5-6 days a week, take all of my psychiatric meds, and attend to my appearance. Trim the hedges. Polish the windows. Drop a dress s.ize or 2. Eat a lot of spinach and complain about my boyfriend eating so much fried shit

I hate drinking now. It gives me a headache if I have more than a single glass of wine. So I can't even be moderate with that anymore (I don't know, is one glass moderate?) I either get black out drunk or waste my calories on a single glass of wine.

I've been obsessing over caloric intake versus outtake, but I feel like that's just being mindful of what the fuck I eat. All I want is sugar, all the time. All I want is drugs, all the time. I feel like I am driving myself fucking crazy with school. There's no middle ground. I either put in 200% or negative -3% and feel absolutely terrible about it.

Just came back from "Spring Break 2021" which largely consisted of not getting enough sleep due to staying up too late watching Netflix. By myself. Mat always falls asleep before me. He wakes up at the crack of dawn so it is understandable. Who the fuck am I to get mad at someone for being able to fall asleep at a decent time like a normal person.

I should be relaxed.. refreshed, recharged and ready for the latter part of the semester, but alas, I caught a cold, developed a fuckin cold sore (ew) and averaged 5 hours of sleep a night for over a week, all from stress. And hormones. Or maybe not; my birth control tells me that I'm PMSing... but I feel like I'm always PMSing. Just waiting for this goddamn uterine lining to drop. These mood swings are terrible. Can't tell if I miss my therapist or I hate her. Can't tell if my friends hate me or miss me. Can't tell if I'm depressed or just stressed. Not sure what is real and what isn't... all I know is that exercise ain't cutting it anymore, and all I want. Is. Drugs.

On that note- rest in peace DMX. I hope Kat is okay. And I haven't smoked a cigarette in over 9 months.

Whoooopdeefuckindoooooo I'm doing GREAT over here.