#are my expectations the bare minimum
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Your post about Mike's guilt complex was AMAZING. I can't wait to read what you put out in the future about later seasons.
I just had a thought inspired by that. Do you think part of Mike's anger towards Lucas' desire to join the basketball team to alleviate some of the social ostracism the party faced in school may be a projection of his own shame?
To expand, Mike's own internal discontent with himself is valuing his identity in the party-- a group of 'freaks' and outcasts'-- but Mike knows that by trying to conform to something he is not (hetero), he is causing pain to himself and his loved ones. So clearly Lucas must not be conforming for good reasons either, in his mind. We know Lucas has different motivations for playing BB and genuinely enjoys it, but I think Mike is clouded by his own feelings here and doesn't see that at all.
Yes, but I think he knows it (deep down at least).
The look Mike gives Lucas at the end of the pep-rally, goes from this offended sort of annoyance, but then shifts to something a little more sad, only to go back to a less severe case of annoyed offense. And I think this is because the tables have turned and he's aware of it.
Because isn't it ironic that last summer Mike was going to Lucas for advice about his girl problems, what he looked at as 'growing up', and so that behavior arguably could have continued in s4? Mike's arc in s4 could have easily involved him trying to fit in with one of the more accepted cliques amongst the student body, with him and Lucas at least being closer based on their social circles overlapping.
But that didn't happen.
Instead what we get is a total flip in s4, where instead of Will trying to convince Lucas and Mike to play, it's now Dustin and Mike trying to convince Lucas to play.
Another part of this I can't help but think about, is how leading up to the rain fight in s3, yes Mike was focused on trying to fit into this box of what a boyfriend should be, and so he was compensating a lot to do just that. But in doing so, he got so caught up in the persona, that he didn't realize he was hurting Will in the process. And Lucas too. It's like their mutual attempts at pretending to be these mature dudes with girlfriends fed off of each other, and turned into something a little too mocky and toxic, only for it to backfire and for Will to storm out. And suddenly that's when Mike is saying that they're just 'not in the mood' and it's like.?.. What? Like, just imagine trying to use that as an excuse for bailing on a DND game to Mike in s4... Dude would have gasped in disgust. And so Mike's attempt at trying to be honest with Will in s3, by telling him that the real reason they don't want to play is because they're just 'not in the mood', is a crock of shit, seeing as Mike himself wouldn't have even been willing to take that as an excuse less than a year later.
Honestly, I think in that moment at the pep-rally, Mike was thinking something along the lines how Lucas was ruining the party for being more interested in being popular (aka growing up) than he was in playing d&d anymore (games), which is reflected in their costumes, with Lucas rocking the bball jersey throughout the day followed by sitting with the team at lunch, in contrast to Dustin and Mike sitting at the table with the club in their hellfire shirts. So in thinking that, Mike's instantly being reminded that he's not all that different from Will, and so now he's wondering why he feels the way Will did, only to push it down and put back on his face of annoyance. What this back and forth shift tells me is that Mike is stubborn (not new) and is evidently not willing to face what him switching up in such a short time, and under these specific circumstances (Will and El being gone), could possibly mean.
I do think that Lucas likes basketball. I mean it's not like he's going to hate it in s5 just because of his experience with Jason. It's likely it's going to be a sort of bittersweet thing, where he wants to appreciate the moments he enjoyed, but feels like he can't because it's been spoiled by everything that went down. Maybe he'll even feel like he's sort of betraying the party by wanting to keep playing in some capacity or something.
Which would be kind of stupid tbh, because we all know that a person should be able to have other interests outside of what they specialize in with their core friend group.
I would like for Dustin and/or Mike to have a conversation about the whole thing, like how despite everything that happened they shouldn't have blown off Lucas' game like that. Like he literally made the winning shot. That's something to be proud of. That's the kind of thing you want your close friends to experience with you.
I do think that despite the show's message of going against conformity, there's also an aspect of it that they need to explore, which is that there is a happy medium.
Yes, you should be able to enjoy what you like and how often times that might look like embracing being seen as an outcast/different, but you should also be able to enjoy things that are seen as overrated/cliche/normal without it being the end of the world.
Like, you don't need to be Eddie, insisting that you're against conformity at all levels, to the point where you assume anyone that merely enjoys things that fall in line with being seen as 'normal' means that they're against you or something.
And you also don't need to be so scared of stepping out of the line of normal, to the point where you live an inauthentic life out of fear of not fitting in.
There is a balance.
Dustin and Mike didn't have to get along with the popular crowd if they didn't want to or maybe they could have at least tried at first to see how it went. Or they could have just gone to Lucas' game and cheered him on anyways as his friends. If Lucas wants to have other friends and still hang out with the og party too, then he should be able to.
I feel like a lot of us go through that when we're really young, where it takes time to let go of those expectations and constraints we put on ourselves growing up and we eventually just let all of that go by the end of high school.
And I do think some people find themselves craving one side more than the other because this is usually after years of being stuck on the opposite side as a result of pressure put onto you (or maybe because it wasn't even in your control to begin with).
This also kind of reminds me of the difference between El vs. Will (or Mike) and how being different makes them feel.
El doesn't want to be known for being different aka being a superhero and that's because she's spent her whole life living and breathing that experience only, against her will, while Will (and Mike) have been so used to trying to be as normal as possible their whole lives, they want someone to tell them it's okay to be different.
El should be capable of embracing her powers, while also wanting to explore a life that entails normal everyday things she missed out on. Will (and Mike) should be able to embrace aspects of themselves they'd been hiding for so long (their queerness), while also accepting that normal for them doesn't have to always mean being less of who you are.
I think in order for Mike to evolve, he needs to accept that him blocking out the truth is causing him to behave in ways that go against what we've seen is his true self. We saw him go from trying to be someone he's not in s3, back to his true self in s4, only to, in that same season, revert back to being someone he's not. And we know why. So it's going to take him acknowledging that and accepting it and also realizing that accepting it doesn't necessarily mean having to overcompensate by rejecting anything and everything that on the surface seems like a threat to what makes him different. It's really just about accepting himself and being sure of who he is so that he has the confidence to live a life that is authentically him. Because when he does that, then it wont matter what anyone else is doing or what they think.
I think in order for Lucas to evolve, he needs genuine support from others around him, which will require work on their part, in a way that acknowledges why Lucas felt pressure to be more accepted (we all have our reasons, some more than others). Unlike Mike, I think Lucas playing along with treating d&d like a joke in s3, then being followed by a continuation in s4 of him again putting d&d on the back-burner, is showing that he is consistently striving for this idea something outside of a life of otherness. Does that mean he doesn't like d&d anymore? I don't think so. It means that there needs to be clarity on things from his side, and why his situation was much different from the others. Do I think Lucas' experience as a Black kid in a small town in the 80's is going to be something explored thoroughly in s5? No, probably not. I also wouldn't want that to be the main focus of his arc at the end of the story though either because the whole point of his arc is that he doesn't want what has always defined his otherness to get in the way of every aspect of his life. His arc does feel like someone who has been trapped in his otherness in a way that is outside of his control. And so having the ability to live life in the way he wants, in some cases to manage what comes with experiencing racism, but in more ways that embrace who he is regardless of the world around him, is something that I think is important for him to close off his arc in a way that is satisfying.
And I do think that given the message of the show, they have a responsibility to explore what accepting yourself looks like for all of these characters. And that includes Lucas and Max and Dustin and all of the other main characters that weren't mentioned in that David interview referring to the OGs getting their happy endings. With a 2 1/2 hour finale and apparently a 30 minute ending sequence covering all of those endings, I'm expecting something vaguely along those lines.
#byler#stranger things#ask#are my expectations high#yes#are my expectations the bare minimum#also yes
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#dave strider#homestuck#homestuck ask blog#ask blog#homestuck fanart#homestuck askblog#hs#((ty 🔥🔥🔥🔥 got here faster then i expected especially since i can barely post atm cus i injured my hand#i dont like doing ooc stuff so i try n keep it to a minimum but i did make a mod side blog to ramble on#if anyone wants behind the scenes shit i guess#its just the same url but with mod tacked on the end lol))
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Every time I watch 3x08 and Ray pulls out the fbi timesheet I giggle

The amount of detail in Dex’s entry compared to the others he’s so pedantic thorough
#benjamin poindexter#bullseye#ray nadeem#daredevil#daredevil season 2#I used to work at a job that involved a pretty heavy amount of paperwork#a lot of it unnecessary#and there was kind of this unspoken agreement between my coworkers that we only did the bare minimum#like we knew which bits were important and which parts we could afford to half-arse because otherwise it would take forever#but then there was this one guy there who always filled everything out completely and in immense detail#and our boss was like “why can’t you all be more like this guy he takes his work seriously”#and we all kinda hated him for it#Do you think Dex’s fbi colleagues ever resented him in the same way?#I can imagine an fbi agent being like#“Hey this data is all the same as the stuff in the previous document right? We could probably just copy and paste all this—‘#“no we can’t poindexter just wrote up a 20 page report with annotations and now Hattley expects the same from the rest of us”#“fucking poindexter”
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Apparently Skizz said he wasn’t comfortable saying “trans rights” because of how divisive it is — which is supremely disappointing and ruined my day — but I’m having trouble finding the actual clip and/or screenshots, if anyone has them that’d be great
#skizzleman#skizz situation#bro I love skizz so much#but uhhhhhhh if you don’t own this mistake and publicly apologize (and make a genuine show of support)#I’m out#I don’t want to. I really don’t. him and his content mean so much to me#but I refuse to support someone who is too cowardly and weak-willed to do the bare fucking minimum#no one’s expecting you to be an activist my guy#but if a minority comes to you seeking comfort reassurance and a safe space and you close the door in their face???#that’s inexcusable#BUT AGAIN I’ve only seen people’s reactions and not the actual source material
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do u think prsk writing is good?
it's inconsistent. sometimes it's pretty good, sometimes it's not so good. this is something i would like to go way more indepth on but i don't think i'll have the time for a while, but i'll outline a few things here.
honestly early events are much stronger than some more recent ones. partially this is preference on my part due to preferring more character driven stuff which most early events were, but also in general the writing was much higher quality.
most year one events had a very strong sense of flow between them that has been lost over time. while events usually revolved around one character's issues, they would introduce aspects of the other characters and their issues which would be focused on later. if you read wonder halloween you'll notice there's foreshadowing for emu's arc across smile of dreamer and wonder magical showtime. this is partially because of the fact the events were so early on. we weren't as familiar with the characters as we are now and we were also new to the plots. you can also see how much more cohesive stories were back then as well because of there being way more mixed events marked as key story, like twilight parade and sakura for ln and picnic for n25. while most events still pick up from where the previous left off the sense of flow for most units just isn't felt as strongly as it was going through, say, l/n arc 1.
it also in some ways feels like the writers had a much stronger vision for early events than they do now, though distribution meta may come into play a bit. first arcs were the ones planned from the getgo. this is what they had already planned ahead for by launch. pretty much everything past year 1 was written after the game launched. we know they have a clear end, and it's evident they also had a clear start. we're currently filling in the middle and some events really feel like there's a slight lack of vision for the middle. vbs is a good aversion what with rad weekend having happened (aside from arata and souma's arcs lmfao), but other units and characters feel shafted.
to add to that last point as well as distribution meta. tsukasa5 is arguably one of the hardest hit. what seems to have happened is that they needed a second wxs event to focus on daigo's troupe, and tsukasa is the character who is most fitting for that troupe's speciality. unfortunately in order to come up with the actual plot, they had to retcon elements of tsukasa's character. tsukasa5 overall is probably one of the worst written of the recent events. it's really rough and doesn't make sense in some parts. it truly just exists bc they needed a wxs event with daigo and a wxs event in that slot.
kanade is another character who got hit hard. while she had the white day event in 2024, she was heavily shafted in terms of n25's story due to the focus being on mizuki and ena for half the year. mafuyu and ena's events were also very focused on them as individuals, leading to kanade getting like no character development for a year.
for non-2024 examples the 2nd arc enders were a mixed bag. step by step is very clearly a shoe-in because they needed to pad for time. retie functions perfectly well as an arc ender and reads like one in a few places, especially near the end. while minori had some good moments in this event it honestly feels like a mixed event. hell look at the banner card. shizuku and airi are also only in this event for a few lines of dialogue it's really rough.
oyf is incredibly rushed and tries to wrap up way too many loose ends from lutf. it feels like this arc was cut short, and you can really feel it in arc 3 when all the loose ends that still existed after oyf get their proper conclusion. side characters barring kotaro excluded, tatsuya and gurney flap had the shittest resolutions ever (tatsuya is also. barely a character lol). kohane had some good moments here, but other than that it was a really weak event.
same can be said for ohe they really needed more time and it's painfully obvious considering how much foreshadowing they did with rui only for... him to get one chapter in an emu event. there's some other things that really make this feel like it was meant to be rui or be two events one rui one emu, like the travelling troupe show. remember when rui wrote that show about his life and wxs rewrote it to show him he had a place with them. clpl doesn't. obviously it's always been important to all of them but it's significance to rui specifically has always been highlighted for obvious reasons. hell it was even mentioned in wxs first live like a couple weeks before this event dropped. while again this has good emu moments and good wxs moments it's painfully obvious at points that this was either a rui focus at one point or they combined two events. i wonder if part of the reason for that is because they realised that rui graduates at the end of the next arc so "wxs disbandment arc 2" (tentative name) will probably be more centered around him, especially with asahi's return looming over the story, and they didn't wanna make it seem like they did the same character arc with him twice.
sayonara persona and starry song are fine.
clpl really fucked themselves over with wles and the event schedule lol.
another issue with the writing from a technical standpoint is that recent events have really obnoxious exposition. listen i know we all make fun of people who only read chapter 1 and 8 of an event but did you know that actually works. you can sometimes even just read chapter 8. there's this need to constantly remind the player of stuff that happened earlier on in the event, sometimes in gratuitous detail, and i can understand why this might be necessary for the really long events like lutf or curtain call, but most events since 3rd anni have been under 1hr 30, in most cases just over an hour. the player can retain significant events that happened in the previous chapter. we don't need it constantly explained and it can actually make the audience less engaged if you constantly treat them like they don't understand what's going on. even for a game aimed at the tween/teen demographic you don't need to handhold them through the story. while yes younger audiences won't have the same literacy as an adult you should also trust that they can follow the basic story and read into basic subtext (honestly prsk is usually fine with subtext this is just an example).
"outline a few things" my ass this is pretty much everything i wanted to say. i do games writing next year and i think we cover VNs so maybe i can provide more insight then if the blog isn't dead.
(obligatory i'm not saying you can't like the events i outlined here i'm just saying that from an objective standpoint they're not the best. doesn't mean you can't find enjoyment in them. like whatever you want i'm not here to dictate your opinions)
#asks#prsks strong points are character writing when they don't write tsukasa5 and also subtext is usually solid.#character relationships r also really good and play into both of those#i thought it was funny when in ena5 they had rui say to the camera that him and mizuki are narrative parallels and ena and tsukasa are a#part of that parallel because i guess people didn't pick up on it. i thought kamikou fes made it obvious. wtv.#i liked when people still argued about it on twitter as well that was funny.#can you tell i often focus on character writing my teachers keep telling me that as well#in some ways i understand why clpl handholds the reader but also that's bad writing and just because the internet has put media literacy at#what's possibly an all time low they shouldn't adjust to that standard. audiences are expected to engage. if you can't do the bare minimum#don't consume media at all. yknow writers for streaming are told to do this shit sometimes because of declining attention spans. crazy.#unrelated mini rant over
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the cw tags you left on the post about the pope calling catholic priests faggots reminded me of the good sides of humanity that was greatly needed, so thanks for being a good person ig!!
I love your blog and the "just in case" tag you left gave so much love i had to point it out. and I love your gay little dogs!
(sorry for being anon interacting with people is overwhelming for me lol)
.
#why thank you!#I try to do at least the bare minimum to tag things I know some people would rather not see#so that they can filter them out#it takes like three seconds of my time but could save someone from unnecessary discomfort#I'm not expecting head pats for it but it's nice to hear you thought it was a considerate thing to do#answered#anonymous#here we go again#f slur#cw f slur#cw slurs#also thanks! I'm glad you like my gay dogs
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You know if I hadn’t seen the ep myself, I would have thought Athena did so much wrong from the way people posted about things. Obviously everyone is entitled to their own interpretation but this is what I saw (spoilers below):
Athena suggested divine intervention as a door for Bobby to choose to walk through to talk to his mom. She didn’t force shit. Bobby goes bc Charlie tells him his mom invited them. Athena didn’t force him to go. He could have said no. He could have not even mentioned it to Athena at all (which would have definitely been in character).
While Athena doesn’t outright punch Ann for that house fire comment, she does look offended on Bobby’s behalf. Here’s the thing, she’s following Bobby’s lead the whole time. She sits herself between Bobby and his mom. When she does encourage him to sit, it’s right next to her so he has some distance. The moment he says Athena I have to go, she follows him.
She sits next to him in that hospital talking to him about how he’s feeling and trying to ease his pain.
Athena is not a perfect wife but she is a supportive one and I’m so fucking exhausted by folks acting like she’s not.
The pattern for who this fandom takes to task and who is allowed grace in their decisions is always the same and it’s so fucking ridiculous.
#the expectation that Athena is some perfect woman only there to serve Bobby gets on my fucking nerves every time#she’s more than that and they are more than that#they are two adults in a relationship#also Bobby didn’t tell her everything he gave her the bare minimum like he often does#so you can’t fault her for suggesting something without knowing the extent#but she sees it in that meeting with Ann and acts accordingly#I love how y’all want her to violently protect her husband when it suits you#don’t think I forgot reactions to the s7 finale when she thought her husband was going to die and went on a rampage and y’all thought she#was so wrong#but she doesn’t punch or get in his mom’s face and that’s apparently the line at which it’s unforgivable?#I won’t use the show tags bc I know it’ll just invite folks to argue with me#I don’t however mind if anyone feels inclined to reblog this
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hello everyone be so fucking proud of me!!!
I had two infuriating AAC glitches in a row while trying to convey a stressful thing to my caregiver today
After the first one, I stopped, closed my eyes, and took 5 deep breaths, relaxed my muscles, and then started typing again, ver, very intentionally and slowly.
And then the second glitch happened.
and i managed to freeze instead of hitting my ipad. And took a few breaths totally frozen with hands up. then made the sign to caregiver to move the ipad away from me so I wouldn't break it
And then i took more deep breaths, and flapped my arms as hard as my joints can stand, and took more deep breaths. And got out my phone instead to text my caregiver because my phone doesn't glitch like that, and told them what happened and finished making the plan for next week.
And then i remembered that if i stop using the touch screen and type with my Bluetooth keyboard, my ipad doesn't glitch. So I grabbed that and then could type into my ipad while not being close enough to smash the ipad if something went wrong. And it worked.
I had TWO ipad glitches deleting what I was trying to say less than 30 seconds apart. But I didn't break or throw or hit my ipad!!!! I didn't smash my keyboard or hit my head or anything. I breathed and I tried my strategies of time, waiting for the wave to pass, and that let me remember other options for communication exist.
I still feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown, but the point is that i did not immediately have a meltdown from this or break anything, and that is very hard skill i have been working so much on for a very long time.
please clap!!!
#“not breaking equipment because it glitched” is not really something i can brag about anywhere else#only other autistics with AAC and complex communication needs and constant meltdowns get this#everyone else is like “youre an adult why are you throwing a tantrum” even when they know i am autistic. especially LSN autistics do this#and have done this to me SO MUCH i have so much trauma from them punishing my meltdowns#and them demanding i be capable of not having meltdowns#so if i didnt have a meltdown about something it was still just the bare minimum expected of me and still not enough#fuck they fucked me up so bad#i should never have been punished for having meltdowns. im so angry about that.#but here. yall get it. some of you get it. some of you know how big this is. some of you know how big it is. i have near daily meltdowns.#managing to stave off or calm down before one happens is a skill that takes so many years to learn and practice with brain and body we have#please be proud of me i am working so hard.
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So... Deadlands but make it a Guild?
Putting it under read more because there's a lot.
So given the Deadlands characters have very little backstory we are headcannoning a lot here. Bare with me.
Edie, I imagine as a rouge (was torn with bard), who uses her sweet charms to get the information she needs. Picks up shifts in taverns in exchange for a roof for a few days.
Garnet is just Prudance 2.0. Since we don't know much of backstory, I can imagine her being a reserved magic user who does not talk about where her magic comes from, because lets be honest a less than savoury patron really doesn't go down well. (Also the idea of her having like a deck of many things, or where her patron picks the cards delt to deal damage would be fun)
Silas, I'm sorry this man is a barbarian. There is no other thing he could be, it's the unfiltered rage. Though I liked the idea of him duel wielding blades like his pistols. Also having miss matched armour to reflect he used to be someone important, the hints of his 'law man' image.
Nate, Okay so. Nate I struggled with. I'm thinking a paladin of some kind? Also I don't know how to translate, was at one point dead and now lives on alcohol and jerky, other than the common stereotype of Dwarves. So. Yeah. Sorry Nate. Though I do imagine him keeping his shirt as if it was something his late wife embroiderd for him and now it's too sentimental to get rid of so it's got patches holding it together.
Delacy, the idea of this relatively human party having a child half orc running around with them felt apt but also the level of humor of oxventure. Also Delacy being an unusually strong child also very good. I can imagine him being a fighter or some combat specific class.
If anyone has any better ideas, hit me up I'm not 100% on all of these, so please add your own to them.
#oxventure deadlands#oxventure guild#oxventure#my art#Fun Fact#I don't know alot about DND#Bare minimum you can learn from Oxventure Adventure Zone and D20#So we are rolling with like very little backstory and my very scraping the surface understanding of class systems#Also like#Just wanting to draw fantasy outfits#while the base outfits for Deadlands are pretty plain which given the setting of the show is to be expected so not a lot to go on#Also I think I've accidently made Silas look like an angry ZeRoyalViking... I think it's the hair#I think I'll be going back into hibernation again#but I have so many Oxventure related doodles I've just never posted or finished so maybe I'll get round to doing that eventually
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wait can I suggest femlock isagi. I think it's important to recognize that she would be feminine-leaning yes but in such a generic anime protagonist way and then she just. snaps
oh absolutely. here's her in her school uniform + scarf
and one of the iconic snapping panels. + girlkaiser
#i made girlkaiser (i have no idea what her name would be. it'd be fucked if her name was eva (it's adam and eva in german) maybe but#eva doesn't mean the same thing as michael.#um we could also name girlkaiser sapphira. after sapphira from the bible who. who well. well she. she#anyway i think fem isagi is like. she presents feminine but she really does not put too much effort into it. she doesn't do her hair. she#has split ends. she's naturally kind of cute and her parents never criticized her appearance so she never felt pressured to do much more#she just kind of does the bare minimum that is expected but she's not trying that That hard. so like. quite unassuming#femlock#isagi yoichi#michael kaiser#femlock isagi#femlock kaiser#my art#answered#agnesandhilda
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I need to take better care of myself but the effort feels like it’s too much. Little things are too hard. I know I’ll feel better when I do them, but convincing myself to actually do them is such a big hurdle.
#I feel disgusting#I need to shower and brush my teeth more#I feel like a slob for it#but depressive pits make it so so hard#I need to drink more water and stop drinking soda for the convenience#I need to clean my cup but I don’t want to feel in the way in the kitchen#that’s the same reason I don’t make food#I don’t want to take up space or be seen#living with shame#I don’t want to take up any resources#I’ve been having bad insomnia#I stay up all night and just stay in bed all day#I can’t draw anything good right now#I feel like I’m a fake artist cause of it#even looking back at all these sentences starting with ‘I’ makes me feel selfish#but I am not well.#don’t want to burden anyone with specifics#it’s my own insecurities making me like this and I don’t want anyone to feel bad#and yet I’m yapping here#does that make me a hypocrite?#but to be honest; I don’t really expect many or really anyone to read all my tags#that’s why I mostly vent here#I don’t think I’m worth anyone’s time or concern#I can’t imagine anyone thinking about me when I’m not talking to them#….. I should probably just try to lay down for as long as I can even if I can’t sleep#sorry for the vent#I just sometimes have to get the bare minimum out
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You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.
It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.
#positivity#mental health#mental health support#gentle reminders#this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize)#(because even if you have gone through the same thing... it's not going to look the same as somebody else going through that)#(and while it can be valuable to express empathy it doesn't mean you truly 'get it' from the other person's point of view)#i struggle sometimes not to feel like my body is fucking with me because sometimes i expect it to function at bare minimum#or i just assume that when it is in debilitating pain that it's just... somehow to fuck with me and i am cognizant that this isn't true#i am cognitively aware that the body isn't Specifically Designed to have a Fuck With You mode even if it feels like it#but my experiences with disabilities and general unwellness made it easy for me to alienate myself from my body#in order to preserve myself i felt the need to separate myself from every flaw (or 'flaw') i have#so when people are confused about why you could mistrust your /own body/ it's stuff like this that can somewhat illustrate it#i think we don't really talk about this but i think it's more common than i would assume#(mostly based on the There Are Eight Billion People principle)#hm making this also makes me realize that abuse absolutely plays into how i mistrust my body. hm.#mistrust in your body feels like self-protection and self-preservation in this weird and almost twisted way (at least in my experience)#but then you start mistrusting *everything* and nothing feels... GOOD or NORMAL anymore#i'm going to play mahjong about this 🫡👍
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after the surgery i will have to look for jobs because im so fucking frustrated and angry on a daily basis for over a month now i cant do this anymore
#also this is gonna sound really mean#but i was just thinking how when im my coworkers age (33) i dont want to live the way she lives#just barely making any money#i make more than her because she works less than me bc she holds yoga classes but even with that i still make somewhat more#and i dont want to keep budgeting for the rest of my life#and i also dont want to live like my mom lived her entire life. working shitty jobs that pay peanuts#but idk how to change my life!!!!!! i cant even pick a class or a course to learn because that also costs money which i dont have#and i dont want to use my tour guide degree or whatever because i dont fucking want to work in that either#and everyone is telling me i should have a job where i can use english and how i speak better english than the majority of#people (LOL. LMAO EVEN.) but literally no one gaf because everyone can speak english. well no obviously not everyone#but in my experience truly nobody gaf that i can speak english. thats expected#i want a different job that pays more so fucking badly but i dont even know where to look because every job ad i see#is either obviously not aimed at me or just reading the description makes me suicidal. the only two type of job ads i ever see#i just want to make 400k a month WHICH ISNT EVEN MUCH at fucking all and yet ive never made a fucking liveable wage#and it makes me feel like such a pathetic failure. cant even get a job that pays me the bare fucking minimum. 400k. cant even have that#and i kept begging my boss to let me work the customer facing job (bc that pays better) but nothing ever came of it#im at the end of my rope i cant even tell people how much i make its so fucking shameful and embarrassing#not to mention that its not enough for anything obviously
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Work has me scheduled as floor AND 1st backup cashier/front lead tonight and we have a new cashier who's working her first full cashier shift that's also her first full closing shift....... I get the feeling that I'm going to be training her tonight......on one of the busiest days of the week..... While we're doing an insane coupon promotion that everyone likes to misread and then get mad about when they find out they misread the terms.......
#the consequences of being really autistic about the register and being one of the most senior employees bc everyone else who started#at the same time as me (except for like 2 others) either quit or got fired.....#the consequences of being the responsible eldest child turned into hyper competence perfectionism#i'm literally not even a shift lead nor do i get paid like one. but i've been responsible for training every new cashier we've gotten#since the store opened 6 months ago#i am a regular associate with associate privileges being paid minimum wage#i dont mind training and helping new employees#(i enjoy making the process as positive and comfortable as i can bc i know starting a new job where you dont know anyone can be scary)#but its a little frustrating that i'm always given responsibilites far beyond my job description#and theyre still not promoting me or even paying me above the bare minimum#like i dont want to sound entitled or ungrateful. im very happy i have this job. but they expect so much and do not pay me like it#and they (the owners) keep hinting that i'm 'shift lead/assistant manager material' and might be promoted eventually#but they never specify if theyre seriously considering it or when it may be#the shift lead i worked with last night said it may be because i'm too young and they may be waiting until i at least turn 20#i turn 20 in june and august will be 1 year since i got hired soooo lets hope
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9/11 moment for the pmdd community (outside of what we go through every month). Plushie Dreadfuls is finally releasing a PMDD rabbit, and it kind of looks like ass💔💔💔

(I would love to hear others thoughts on the design!!)
#i just don't get pmdd vibes from looking at it??? there is the split colors but. that could represent plenty of other disorders tbh#will i still buy it regardless? probably SHFLFJD#idk the design just feels. bland. bare minimum#i get these take lots of effort to make tho😭 i imagine it isn't easy to make these EVEN IF the design is bland#but like. man. i've been waiting for this moment for years😔 maybe my expectations were to high lol#pmdd#actually pmdd#max speaks#plushie dreadfuls
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my parents paid off one of my loans yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
#shitpost#my main issue with my parents for awhile was that they weren't really helping me (esp compared to my siblings)#and like. they're the reason my debt is so steep because i barely got federal aid#b/c my parents do well enough that the govt expect them to pay for my school but they weren't really able to in actuality and blah blah bal#anyways. my monthly payment went down by $100 and so it isn't almost 1k anymore#it's a much more manageable 850.#i hope. i can put some more money towards this because thats still higher than i pay for my mortgage lmaooooooo#i fucking hate u private loans.#ok sorry. im very happy about this#ALSO this payment has made my total owed finally less than what i make in a year#if i only pay back the minimum though i still have 8.5 years of paying so uh......hoping to get that to decrease....#but if im saving 100 more dollars a month (and im probably getting a raise in april next year) then i can shove some more money at them..#sorry these loans fuckign consume a huge part of my life fml lol
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