#arc so much it makes my insides huuuuuurt

[amwritingmeta]

Can we talk about that gas and sip episode? Like at the end were it's night time ever and Dean asks Cas "were to?" And the very next scene it's MORNING and Dean is dropping Cas off at the gas and sip. WTH?

Oh, my darling! This is SO late. I hope you can forgive me… I’ll try and make it up to you by saying YES WE DAMN WELL CAN TALK ABOUT THIS FANFIC GAP BECAUSE IT IS EPIC!!

:P

So I think you may be aware of how much I love this arc and how much I love human!Cas. I love it because it focuses Cas in a way that not many other moments in his progression has managed to do and it tells us, in no unequivocal terms, what his endgame is. He’ll reach it when he’s made the choice that will answer the question posed to him: Angel or man? Right? YES!

So this question comes at him by the end of 9x06 - the episode where the moment you’re referring to occurs - and this episode as a whole is a thing of beauty, especially where Dean and Cas are concerned. It gives us SO MUCH. (I know that this is not news) (as with most things I’m certain there are reams written on this episode and this arc) (but I haven’t written much on it save for in tags so I’m excited I get to tackle it) (and yeah this will probably get kinda long…) (ahem)

Okay, I’m going to answer your question, but first I want us to have a bit of an overview.

Firstly, consider the reason Cas isn’t in the bunker –> Gadreel. 

Because of Gadreel’s objections in 9x03, Dean asked/told Cas he had to leave.

Yeah, so now Dean gets a call from Cas and Dean is so fucking pleased, though a little thrown, and he tries to chat, gets told Cas is only calling him because of a case Dean might want to look into, further getting informed that Cas is “busy” and realises Cas just blew him off. 

He’s busy? Busy with what exactly and is he okay and what was that noise in the background? 

So. 

Dean doesn’t just go to where Cas said the case is, oh no, because Dean Winchester - hunter extraordinaire - tracks Castiel - former angel of the lord - down and in the process tells Sam, not once, but twice, that he absolutely does not need Sam’s help or want him anywhere the fuck near this case because then, due to that cockblocker Gadreel, Dean definitively will not get to spend any time with Cas. 

Which is the primary reason Dean gets on the road and the only reason Dean gets on the road without Sam and then goes on to assure Sam he’s got it covered and doesn’t need him to come join him. Like, yeah, Dean, you’re feeling all kinds of mixed emotions, right? Guilt, longing, need, worry? And you want to see Cas and you want to make sure he’s okay.

That is, if Cas even wants to spend time with him, which Dean is still unsure of. Hence the hesitation and frown-y face as he watches Cas through those big Gas ‘n Sip windows. 

Seriously, is he okay? What the hell is he doing? This is the last damn place on Earth that I’d ever thought I’d find him and what exactly is the dude wearing?

But Dean braves it. With a grin. Because he’s nervous as all hell that he’ll get shot down after he behaved like a complete asshat, throwing Cas out of the bunker like that, and Cas only called about a case so Dean showing up here might not be welcome. In fact, he might get asked to get the fuck out of there. (even though Cas did pick up the phone to call him so…)

Now, Cas – sorry - Steve – does look taken aback. Actually, he looks downright shocked to see Dean’s face. Like he expected he never would again, at least not so soon, and not here, like he genuinely expected Dean to only be interested in the case. (damn these men and their inability to openly communicate) (of course also bless them because it is what makes their interaction so fucking enticing) (that they’re both such major idiots)

All this said, it could be argued (let me headcanon ok?) that Cas, somewhere, in the back recesses of his mind, hoped that placing a call about a case in the very town he’s staying in would mean they’d run into each other.

Running into each other so that Cas could show how well-adjusted he is, of course. That he’s got a job and a… place to sleep. Which is in the back of a Gas ‘n Sip, but Dean wouldn’t need to know that anymore than Cas’ boss knows. Well, she does now, but she thinks he’s just a dedicated employee. She doesn’t know that he’s homeless. (or quite possibly she does) (she seems to take Cas for who he is, not what he is) (and sees the core kindness of him and doesn’t question it but repays it)

Well, there’s no run-in on the street in the cards for Cas and Dean, is there? Nope. Because Dean is far from as casual about the whole thing and he wants to see Cas and he tracks him and finds him. And now here Dean is, face to face with Steve, and he cannot believe this is where Cas has ended up.

Mostly because Cas is fine. Cas is more than fine, he’s a little pissed off and clearly wholly dismissive and obviously uncomfortable with Dean invading this new life he’s building, but other than that, he seems to be okay with being human.

And Dean tries to needle an admittance of doubt out of him. Dean, naturally, thinks this gig is way, way below Cas, right? Out of all the things he could’ve chosen to do, he finds the most menial task a person can engage in (pardon me, all you Gas ‘n Sippers out there, I mean no offence, but compared to what Cas has done in the past…) Cas has chosen to engage with something that doesn’t speak to his skill set at all. And Dean is like WHY??

So he tries to make Cas admit that working at a gas station is below him, that he thinks he deserves more than this, more or less steering Cas towards admitting that his humanity is a burden and he hates it and all he wants is to be an angel again. Only, Cas doesn’t. 

Why? Again, because Cas is fine. Fine with being human. Fine with this being his reality. Fine, fine, fine. And Dean still can’t understand why, until it’s revealed that Cas has a hot boss. It’s about a girl! Wonderful. Awesome. Very human. And terrifying. Because where exactly does all this leave Dean? He shut Cas out of his life in order to protect Sam, and now it turns out Cas is happily shutting him out, because he never really needed Dean’s help. Did he?

So what’s the one thing Dean Winchester - hunter extraordinaire - can think to do? Well, how about hooking Cas into considering what they used to share? 

Come on, Cas, come on this case. Remember how much fun that used to be? Remember the good old times? I’ll remind you. I’ll damn well remind you of what you’re giving up. 

Needy, Dean. Very, very needy. Just let him go, man. He’s okay. You didn’t break him by throwing him out. He’s fine. Leave it alone. But of course, Dean doesn’t. And they go investigating. And Dean comes to realise something: 

Cas is fucking mortal. 

He can die. Yes, remember that, Dean? Now he does. Because Cas suddenly expresses his own fear of dying, telling Dean that things are different now. Things feel different. Such a wholly human thing of him to say! *heart eyes*

And the shoe drops: Dean doesn’t need any more prompting. He tells Cas to stay safe, to go on that date, to live a normal life. And Cas isn’t happy with that wording, because he feels like a fucking coward, but yeah, he doesn’t want to die. Again. (also he promised Dean he wouldn’t so…) And Nora is nice and going on dates is something humans do.

So there’s another gap here, you realise? Because it’s broad daylight when Dean and Cas go to check out that high school crime scene, and then it’s 7pm when they drive up to Nora’s house. So what did they do in the interim? Maybe they went to a pub or a bar for a beer and a chat, or maybe they even went to get Dean a motel room, because he hadn’t done that yet. Wouldn’t surprise me if he, way too eager to see Cas, just rolled into town. :P

Then, of course, we get the reveal that Nora thought of Cas as the Babysitter (which is so ironic I don’t even know what to say about it) (the term has been tossed around throughout the series) (especially in later seasons) (for example when Dean calls Cas out on acting the Winchester’s babysitter in 12x19) (and there’s more to discuss on this topic but I’m leaving it) and left alone in Nora’s house Cas gets a visit from Ephraim, the angel of mercy, who wants to take all his pain and confusion away.

Noteworthy is the fact that Cas didn’t want to walk into danger, but when faced with it steps between it and the innocent child he thinks is threatened. He will always, always act the shield. This core trait instinctively wipes away any fear or second thought for his own safety. It’s pretty fucking glorious to behold.

We also learn something here: Cas is in pain. The truth is that he is forcing himself into a role he’s not designed to play, submitting to his mortality and making a go of what he assumes is the human way of doing things because…

Because he was rejected by Dean.

I mean, it’s quite simply this exact thing that’s made him embrace his humanity in this non-Cas way, because he’s alone and without a rudder and all he can think is that he’s useless without his powers, and what is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to help? April nearly killed him. The angels all hate him and rightfully so. He’s hiding and trying to forget about all of it, except he can’t entirely - hence the taking note of the nearby case and calling Dean in to take care of it.

By turning himself into Steve, Cas is going against his core traits: to help and to protect. This isn’t a good place for him to be. (hence the change of name) (he’s literally acting a role he’s assigned himself) (the human version of him needs a name not tied to Heaven) (he’s pretending he doesn’t have a past because the guilt of what has happened is so extreme he doesn’t know how to even face it) (because he feels utterly powerless)

So the lesson he’s meant to learn in this episode is exactly that. He can talk big and tell Dean that he’s found purpose and dignity in what he’s chosen for himself, but the truth is that what makes him special - as Nora tells him - is the way he cares. 

A rose by any other name, Castiel. You cannot wipe out who you truly are by pretending to be someone else.

Nora’s dialogue as Cas leaves her house more or less serves to shine a light on the truth of Ephraim’s challenge, because the challenge for Cas to decide how to continue - as an angel or as a man - isn’t really the choice Cas has to make for himself. It’s whether he continues to stick his head in the sand when he’s needed the most, allowing his fear of dying to give him a free pass, or whether he chooses to face this fear, and play big, in spite of it.

(let’s also not forget about this gap between when Cas and Dean together defeat Ephraim and Nora comes back from her date) (because they straight up looked after a baby together) (and I want to see that on screen more than I want to see them in Dean’s procured motel room tbh) (oh wait) (now we have JACK) (god I love S13) :P

So when Dean asks Cas “Where to?” the grim expression on Cas’ face has everything to do with the fact that he hasn’t decided how to answer that question yet. He has no fucking idea where to go from here or even where he wants to be headed. 

So here we now land in my reply to your actual question. 

I’m going to give you my way of filling in the gap of this night we never got to witness, and it’s platonic af. Yeah, that’s right. P.l.a.t.o.n.i.c.

I mean, I think Cas stayed quiet in that car, lost in thought, and Dean suggested hey, you hungry, grab a bite to eat? So maybe they went to restaurant and talked and it was all good, or maybe Dean asked him where he’s staying and Cas just muttered and Dean suggested hey, why don’t you come back to the motel, huh? Because of course Dean wants to drag this out for as long as possible and there’s beer and they can get some food on the way and just… hang out. And maybe Dean was thinking and hoping that maybe Cas, who clearly wants to get laid again, would be up for flirtation, but —

– but here’s the thing. The way I read Dean, especially where he’s at in his progression at this point, considering that he’s on the precipice of letting his self-hatred get the better of him in such a way that he decides to take the MoC on himself, my reading of him is that he’s simply not in a mindset to make a move on Cas. He just doesn’t have the balls to risk this incredibly important relationship because he’s horny. (remember he hasn’t admitted to himself yet exactly how much he fucking LOVES Cas, right) (that won’t happen until S11 and Mildred’s hand placed over his heart)

If Cas instigated it, oh, fuck yeah. I think Dean would’ve happily engaged in a night of debauchery and his self-loathing would then have explained it away as nothing but some fun between friends, going so far as to completely convince himself that of course Cas doesn’t FEEL anything. Oh, and neither does Dean, because love and happiness are such scary concepts (because Good Things Don’t Last) that even the thought of them are suppressed swiftly and efficiently and all that this ever was, for the both of them, was sex between friends, nothing more. But —

– but Cas is in no state to instigate anything here. 

He’s low. He’s had severe blows delivered throughout the episode and the only thing keeping him up is the fact that Dean’s there. So even if they don’t have a deep heart-to-heart about the decision Cas is about to make for himself, the fact that Dean is there as support, I believe, has a huge bearing on where that decision actually lands. 

So, we have a Cas who is feeling low and, I’d argue, doesn’t have his mind set on sex as emotional consolation, mostly because he’s still unsure of what exactly that longing he feels from Dean means. He’s still unsure about what it is he feels. You know? He’s just now starting to suss out the vastness and depths of human emotion - he says as much in this episode when discussing Ephram’s motivations with Dean. It’s still a confusing jumble, just as it is for most humans. 

I believe what Cas needs when he gets into the Impala is a friend. And beyond that what he needs, more than anything else, is a hot meal, an even hotter shower and a warm, soft bed to sleep in for the first time since… Well, a very long time, I’d say. 

I do headcanon with my last breath, though, that this is the night when these two fell in love for real. Like they were attracted to each other and there was respect and intrigue and they were doing a joint circling of falling in love (hello that year in Purgatory) (but of course Dean told himself that was all about comrades in arms) (and Dean being hellbent on finding Cas and bringing him home was all about how Cas said “I’ll go with you” and then he died) (even when he didn’t want to face any conflict) (because he backed Dean) (and Dean wasn’t just gonna leave him in fucking Purgatory was he…?) but this is where that emotion manifested, irreversibly, for the both of them. 

Like they got to see new sides to each other that they had never been privvy to before. Instigated by them fighting off a death threat as a team, but really deepened by them taking care of a baby as a borderline couple and seeing what that domesticity could be like, and then Dean showing support and understanding and them simply having a low-key evening together, staying in the same room with absolutely nothing more needing to happen than them falling asleep after hours of talking about life and their past and just getting to know each other on a completely different level.

Because with a Dean that is way too insecure and in no mood of doing something stupid that might jeopardise his friendship with Cas now that his last stupid thing has been put behind them, and with a Cas equally in the process of finding his footing as a human and individual and really not being about the sex, but much more about making a connection, I just don’t see them getting it on in this episode.

That’s not to say that it’s not open for that interpretation. This is MY reading, peeps. And I love toying with the idea that something happened. But to me it doesn’t fit in with how I read the canon narrative, is all. And it doesn’t have to. I’m just basing my reply on that reading, rather than all the possibilities if venturing away from how I view it. :P (I’m also not saying I’m the only one to view it this way) (I’m just not going to bunch people into a we when I’m not entirely sure who the we is) :)

Moving on.

After the lessons learned in this episode, in 9x09 we get to witness where Cas lands, which is in the decision to don fed threads and insert himself into the brothers’ investigation, going head first into a situation to do with angels warring with each other, stating that this is something he should be involved in.

In other words, a 180 in attitude from the start of 9x06 and his fear of facing possible death. (as well as, of course, facing the anger and disgust of his kin) (fleeing responsibility as a human) (finally coming to the realisation of his own accord that not only does running away go against everything he believes in) (but everything that truly makes him him as well) (he can’t just turn his back)

It makes me teary eyed and emotional. He’s been told by Dean to go live his life, and this is what he chooses for himself. No more aimlessness, no more questioning where he should be or where he belongs, he steps into that crime scene intent on being a part of the fight Dean told him isn’t his anymore. *head fucking exploding with joyyyyy*

Now, on that note ^^^ let’s look at the very final scene of 9x06.

So, Dean apologises for telling Cas to leave the bunker, something that’s been weighing on him ever since he first laid eyes on Cas in that Gas ‘n Sip, I’m sure. Like, why not open with this, Dean? 

(because he’s a scaredy cat and he wanted to charm the pants off…… well……. Cas and suss out if their friendship had been seriously damaged before even breeching the subject of how he failed to be there for Cas when he needed him the most) 

And then Dean tells Cas he’s proud that he’s adapting to this new life, even if it’s been hard. 

And that’s a complete 180 with regards to what his attitude was at the start of the episode. It’s a brilliant emotional bookend for our Dean! 

Instead of being needy and trying to get Cas to come play with him as in Please, remember the good times, Cas! Dean is letting go. He doesn’t want to. Like, he really, really does not want to. (Jensen plays this scene so well) (and God Misha is amazing in this episode) (GAH) 

But this choice of letting go isn’t just because of Gadreel now, it’s because Cas doesn’t want to die. And Dean doesn’t want Cas to die. So, Dean forces himself to because it’s the right thing to do and he tells Cas to go live his life. And, again, I don’t think he’s fully come to terms with how in love he really is with Cas, but we know, through this action, exactly how much he loves him.

And the narrative knows. And sets up a big reward, even though Dean can’t quite see it as such, when Cas chooses to return to him in 9x09.

I mean, Dean sees Cas being reckless with his life. Again. But, really, if Dean hadn’t come to the Gas ‘n Sip and instilled a sense of having faith in Cas even without his powers, Cas might not have come to the realisation that he was lying to himself about what his purpose ought to be. All that pain he’s been suppressing, all that worry and lack of self-worth because he wasn’t entirely sure why Dean had rejected him, it eases when Dean shows up unannounced and encourages him that they should work a case together.

Dean: So? I’ve never had any powers.

I think that’s ^^^ a pivotal line in this episode and something Cas has to understand. Still. Going on six years later. His powers do not define him. His powers are not the reason he’s valued and important to Dean, or to Sam. 

Anyway, for 9x06 what he had to understand is that deep down he’s a shield and a protector, always and forever. He’s not meant to nuke nachos and keep bathrooms clean. And he does understand it. If human is what he’s going to be, then he’s meant to be a hunter. Plain and simple. So, a hunter in training he’ll be. And off he goes. To help the angels. (and to be close to Dean again)

There. One simple, straightforward request for a bit of a discussion on one fanfic gap in an episode became four and a half pages of meta analysis and headcanon and spec about intention and the characters’ emotional architecture for you. And flailing about one of my favourite episodes of this show. Like hands down top ten. Easy peasy don’t even have to ponder it. 9x09 and 9x10 belonging high up on that list as well. 

Right. I could write an essay about this arc and how important I think it is, how it becomes an axis that turns and rotates the entire series in a new direction and informs not only the love story, but so much of the codependency and the main characters’ individual arcs as well. It’s just full of bright, bright moments and horrible heartache and it’s all so part of the reason why we love this damned show, right?

Thanks for the prompt, my lovely. And do excuse my reply being so abysmally late!!

xx

[tialovestelevision]

Passion

1. I don’t get Evil Angel as a narrator. Or, for that matter, Buffy sexy-dancing with Xander. Has all character development that doesn’t explicitly favor Xander from the previous episode been forgotten? Oh, wait, he’s the show’s white male audience avatar character; of course it has.

2. Now there’s the creepy, creepy Evil Angel this season deserves. In her bedroom! If I hadn’t just seen Xander try to magic-rape his then-ex girlfriend, I’d say Angel has now out-creepied Xander.

3. “Guest-starring Kristine Sutherland.” Ohgod.

4. And now he’s beaten Xander. Evil Angel draws a picture of sleeping Buffy and leaves it under her pillow. Well done, Angel… the guy who’s supposed to be the scariest person in the season has now exceeded the guy we’re not supposed to be scared of at all.

5. I love Giles mocking Xander’s intelligence. It’s one of life’s small pleasures.

6. Angel’s not going to kill Joyce. He’ll threaten her and torment her to make Buffy scared, but she’s an asset in the whole “destroy Buffy’s self-image and sense of safety” thing.

7. No, Jenny. I know Willow is a genius, but no. Classroom management is a skill. TEACHING is a skill. Willow cannot teach your class. She cannot exercise authority over other students. You are a decent human being, but you are a TERRIBLE teacher simply for thinking this is a good idea.

8. Angel is very, very good at the art of the threat. “I know where everyone you know and love lives, I am both willing and able to commit murder, and I want you to hurt as much as a person possibly can hurt.” Then he threatens to kill Joyce, while also spilling to her that Buffy slept with him. But he doesn’t actually make an effort at killing her, yet. That seems to me to reinforce Point 6.

9. Drusilla has a puppy. I don’t expect this will end well.

10. Why is Jenny doing her research on the school computer? I know she has a computer at home, and the natural protection of a home would have kept Angel from killing her. I really don’t understand her behavior in this episode. Is it just her holding the idiot ball to advance the story?

11. And the doors are locked in such a way that they can’t be opened from the inside. That’s a fire hazard, school administration! Of course, since Snyder is in on the masquerade, that might be on purpose... especially since the authorities, while in on the truth, are bad at things.

12. Willow is adorable in her attempt to not give Giles the info about Buffy sleeping with Angel. And in keeping Giles from talking to Joyce.

13. Now Joyce is talking to Buffy about sex. How is she going to bungle this? Let me count the ways. The expression on Buffy’s face says everything - she looks like someone who’s used to getting this.

14. “Don’t expect me to stop caring about you because that’s never going to happen.” You could sure do a better job of showing that, Joyce.

15. “I guess that was The Talk.” “I don’t know, it was my first.” Oh, Joyce. Joyce. It huuuuuurts us.

16. Jenny Calendar was fridged. Period. She wasn’t even fridged to push the narrative arc of the series’s main character - she was fridged to advance Giles’s story and give him feels. That’s not to say the story of such isn’t well-told; it is! Apart from Jeny’s holding of the idiot ball earlier, I mean, but that’s not out of the ordinary for television. It’s just... fridging is unpleasant. It’s a bad trope, and Jenny had too much potential as a character for it.

17. Buffy knows Giles. Meeting Ethan and the demon they summoned pretty much put the last piece into place, so she knows Giles is on his way to violence Angel quite thoroughly. And that Angel will kill him if he tries.

18. “Oh, man. Poor Giles.” Oh, man. Poor Jenny.

19. “Let’s not forget, I hated Angel long before you guys did.” Xander, shut the fuck up. Seriously.

20. “Nuh-uh. No fair going into the ring unless he tags you.” Ah, Spike, you really are the best.

21. Buffy is stronger than Angel. She’s been stronger, physically, than Angel this entire arc. His advantages over her have all been psychological... and he keeps coming right to the edge of overplaying his hand there.

22. Ah, Chekhov’s Floppy. Buffy, you never fail to remind me about the 90s in the most unexpected ways.