#applyingtomedschool

[medschooltutors]

Throwing this one back out there this #ThrowbackThursday. #TBT

[waylatebloomer]

So, uh, HI THERE!

So this is me.  Last year, the night before my 48th birthday, I spent the night alone in a hotel at a conference and had a glass of wine while I starfished across the middle of a king sized bed.  Thinking about my colleagues and all the interesting research downstairs, and asking myself: “What do I actually care about?”.  I felt the thing you feel at conferences right away, refreshed, excited by new research, emboldened by people asking me what I think.  It’s great.  It’s why I look forward to conferences.  But it doesn’t last.  I go back, I still love research, still love what I do (actually, what I love is the results of what I do when the paper is done, the doing it is the tedious repetitive real science stuff no one tells you about) but I KNOW the thought will return: SO WHAT?

That question, for YEARS, was crushing.  Why am I doing this?  Who even cares about this? What difference will this make?  Why am I persisting at this?  And for years the stomach dropping and pervasive low key (and some days VERY VERY HIGH KEY) anxiety would make me question my choice to go to grad school. TO TAKE SO FUCKING LONG IN SCHOOL. More about exactly how and why and how long I have persisted later. Maybe.  I’m not sure I’ve made peace with that yet.

As I found out, I have depression, and generalized anxiety disorder.  I didn’t know it until about five years ago.  I just thought I was lazy, useless, and that the constant dread, and fear, and utter lack of motivation was normal for a fat asshole who couldn’t make herself do anything.  That was what I got for being the way I was.  And that I was fooling everyone.  I had a Master’s degree, I was doing a PhD, I had received a prestigious scholarship.  I had clearly fooled enough people into thinking I was smart, ambitious, insert good person quality here, and I was scared that it would catch up to me ANY MINUTE NOW.  And about five years ago, I thought it finally had.

I was struggling. Hard. In my PhD.  With a demanding supervisor, a star in her field, that everyone (I thought) idolized, who didn’t like me. For real.  She once told me privately in her office, that during a meeting six months prior, she wished I would just shut up.  DEFINITELY more on that later.  I thought, with all the bravado I could, with the full intention of willing it, faking it into existence “OK, no big, I have friends, I’m not the first person to have a bad boss.  Head down, move through, get the degree with a good pedigree.”  Yeah, no.  I could not make myself do a fucking thing.  Deadlines stopped meaning anything to me – not even the fearspiration they give my dedicated procrastinator self for years.  Even the FEAR was failing me.

Then a miscarriage, then a major depressive episode, then the complete implosion of my PhD supervision. Garbage bag on top of garbage bag on top of trash can fire.  That’s what I felt like my worth was.  But, I got help, I got a great supervisor, and VERY slowly, I turned some shit around. More on all the details later.  Oddly enough, my grandmother’s death last year, though devastating, and the pandemic quarantine this year, were opportunities to get un-stuck: FINISH THE DISSERTATION, and MOVE FORWARD.  

The point is, I’m still struggling a bit.  I’m still re-learning new, better habits.  I’m still a procrastinator.  I’m still living in fear of my thesis.  But I think I’m finally I’m in a pretty good place.  I feel like there is a WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME.  I’m not 20 anymore, but what the fuck – I can’t control that; only my actions.  I’m going to finish this fucking thesis, apply to medical school, and to post-docs, and to academic jobs.  And this blog, this is where I’m going to barf all my thoughts about it to you.  So welcome, and join me for the ride.

Love

-WLB

PS - For full on fluffy pretty distraction, check out my alter ego at https://ilikeherbestofall.tumblr.com/

[medschooltutors]

Distilled for your med-education edification. 

[medschooltutors]

Some thoughts on a really BIG decision. 

[medschooltutors]

Get ready to work your magic. #TBT 

[medschooltutors]

Keep Calm and Read On.

[medschooltutors]

Go for the gold. #BlogpostOfChampions  #ApplyYourself 

[medschooltutors]

Time for a redo! #TBT