#apparently unlike everyone else in Unova

[illusory-nicole]

why not have a nice juicy gelled cheese sandwich

Dude I'm lactose-intolerant

[crystalelemental]

So, with Unova Act 2 a definite occurrence, we all know Rosa’s getting Meloetta, right?

Like okay, there are plenty of questions, but at that point it’ll be long enough that Rosa getting her fifth alt is reasonable, and it 100% is going to be Meloetta.  Because there’s effectively no one else at that point.  And they love going for the regional legendary Pokemon, particularly the mythical options, and Meloetta is the only one left.  Swords of Justice and Genies are possible, but they’re also bad.  There aren’t enough options for either.  Rosa’s guaranteed, and so is Nate, but the remainder?  Ghetsis is likely, given antagonists almost always get something, be it new alt or Master Fair rerun.  Iris and Alder are possible as champions.  They could even just go Sygna Suit gym leaders like they did with Erika and Misty.  But Rosa and Nate are guaranteed, and they don’t have enough other options for a Swords of Justice/Genies appeal.

Which means Nate is like 80% certain getting Kyurem-White.  That’s the other big missing piece.  And we now know there are two Kyurem.  Ghetsis could get it instead.  This isn’t impossible.  But it wouldn’t be expected.  Zinniquaza did get both grid expansion and mega evolution though, so there’s precedent.  I just feel like, given SS N, the other Kyurem form feels likely with one of our protagonists.

Or with Iris.  If they go Champion-focused, I could easily see Iris getting the focus instead, as the dragon master.  This is doubly likely if the general pool addition is Drayden, who also feels incredibly likely as a notably missing gym leader.  I cannot imaging a situation where we don’t get Drayden.  Iris, however, is up in the air.  The only thing that makes me think it’s possible is Lodge.  Iris being added to lodge and getting this as an alt would put her at 5.  Which is what happened to several others.  So I put this at likely.

Alder, however, is unlikely.  They just don’t seem to love the guy.  Which is upsetting.  I like Alder, I’d like him to get an alt.  But also, his team is accounted for with pretty much everyone.  The only thing not accounted for is Druddigon.  Which I feel is more likely to go to either Drayden, or a Clair alt given she apparently gets a shiny one in the anime, and the game does like referencing the anime.  I dunno.  Alder’s situation makes me a bit sad.

Ghetsis, again, feels very likely for an alt.  Hydreigon feels most likely, given what he’s known for.  But while I’d love for this to be Shauntal’s thing...Cofagrigus is also a consistent part of his team, and is something unaccounted for.  I wouldn’t strictly mind this.

I guess we’ll see.  But honestly...I’m gonna grumble regardless.  I’ll love getting Meloetta, but I’m getting real impatient about Kalos and Alola villain arcs.  These two were my most anticipated regions when they started this, and it’s been well over a year and they’re getting delayed by Double Unova.  So I’m still a bit sad about that.  It could be really good though.  Again, Meloetta, and the Paulo interlude is starting off really strong.  But still.

[royalty-subway]

Just out of curiosity... Do you know where the headcanon that Ingo and Emmet are German comes from? It has been a long time since I have played a pokemon game, so could you tell me your theories regarding the subject?

And what do you think they would be like if they actually came from a region equivalent to Germany in the Pokemon world?

- Crystal 💎

Oh yeah. I certainly heard about that headcanon before. I don’t exactly remember where I saw it or even remember who made it. But I definitely found someone making that theory (I'll update this if I do ever find it). I even found people who made them German in their fanfiction.

It's a pretty interesting theory, to say the least. I think it’s possible for them to be German (well, the equivalent of Germany in Pokemon). Since it would certainly be interesting if they actually made them German in canon.

Since the name “Ingo” is apparently a name that comes from either Germany or Scandinavia (I looked it up-). And “Emmett” (yes, with two t’s) is a name from Hebrew, Germany, and probably more. Not sure if that counts, but hey.

And I don't want to sound rude, but I feel like compared to everyone else. They stand out the most. I never played Pokemon Black and White. But I feel like if you put every single Pokemon Black and White characters in one spot (including those two), they'd probably stand out because they look out of place. Even if you put a Simpson character in there. But maybe that's because of their "robotic" looks.

But I also look up if German people have features such as longer/bigger noses or pointed chins. Of course, I'm not implying that all German people have this. It honestly depends on the people themselves, since we're all different. Which some sites claim that they do. And since Emmet and Ingo have some of these features is a bit sussy.

I’m sure that they’re more points. But that’s all I can think of for now. ;w;

Emmet

I feel like he wasn’t necessarily the best when it comes to speaking any other language than German.

But don’t worry, he learned how to speak English, as you can clearly see. It just took a while for him to get the hang of it.

I assume everyone in that German-based region has some kind of German accent too, which would include him when he was there.

But the reason why he came to the Unova region would be in question, so it’s either that he always wanted to explore other regions (with trains).

Or there’s just no trains in his region, along with any college or university about it. But they have that in the Unova region. So yeah.

Ingo

I imagine him knowing how to speak both English and German well. Maybe he can speak other languages because he’s smart.

And it’s probable that he has a German accent, and he might’ve kept it when he was in the Unova region. Unlike Emmet, kinda.

For the reason why he went to the Unova region, it might be because he wanted to go somewhere that has a lot of trainers or just live in a big region.

Or there were just barely any trains in his home region, so he had to go to the Unova region to get a job there. (Or for college/university reasons).

Heck, even when he started living in the Unova region, he still thinks about his hometown. Like his childhood and shit.

[shiftperception]

spicy unpopular(?) opinions

-I don’t think BW2 are better than BW. Personal preference wise I mean. I think they’re great games but don’t get why some people act like they’re the best games in the main series or the definitive unova experience. They’re good sequels with better gameplay and more stuff to do, but I have so much nostalgia for BW because of the characters, soundtrack, quotability, and interesting/actually thought out evil team concept they introduced. It feels like they genuinely cared and gave their all in these games and I can’t bring myself to overlook that just because BW2 are more polished.

-While the ‘N is a zoroark’ theory is cool and definitely explains some things that aren’t easy to dismiss (memory link and castle ruins incidents), I feel like it detracts from his character. Cause you could so easily take it and be like “yeah and he talks weird too! the way he speaks and acts is a bit off and stilted and it would make so much sense if he were a pokemon trying to pass as human!” It could so easily be spun into. “If this character turned out to be non human I wouldn’t be surprised” and that’s why he should be nothing but human imo. Even if N himself seems to question it. Hell, BECAUSE he seems to question it!!

In BW2 he says something like “Unova is the place I learned to live as a human” and that’s a bit sus isn’t it. If you were really 100% human why would you say that? Maybe cause you were raised by an evil asshole who called you a “freak without a human heart.” Brought up in an isolated environment separated from everyone else. Your separateness constantly reinforced and emphasized and burned into your mind. And when you finally get to leave the castle it’s only more apparent, cause you weren’t taught to talk like a ‘normal person’ and maybe you’d still come off as a bit odd even if you were, some people are just like that You observe people and see that none of em talk or act or feel like you and you get weird looks from them because of it. So you can’t help but wonder if he was right on some level. Maybe you are a freak, maybe you aren’t human enough. Listen, I had a conspiracy theory about being an alien as a kid. This isn’t too hard to imagine. N, my dude, you didn’t learn to live “as a human” you just learned to live as yourself free of Ghetsis’ manipulation. You’re so human, perfectly human. He’s wrong about you. See the weight this has? The potential for meaning? See how deep into the feels zone you can go with it? ‘N was a zoroark all along!’ could never. Is it intriguing from a lore standpoint? Of course. But at what cost.

-I don’t like Hugh as a rival. They had the right idea giving him a touch of backstory and unique motive, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that his entire personality is that he hates team plasma. Name one trait he has other than ANGERY or *hates team plasma*. Determined and protective of his family? Sure FINE. But he talks like an edgy anime character. And unlike Gladion who leans into that all the way for comedic effect and becomes loveably edgy, it’s played like you’re supposed take him seriously even tho it’s all he ever talks about. We get it, you want revenge on team plasma. It’s not healthy to make that your whole identity dude. Please get a hobby. he’s literally just worse gladion

[alolanrain]

Ash was often cast out by his teachers during Elementary and Middle school for being “ to rowdy, loud, and disrupting the class as a whole “ and “ unable to keep up with the class learning pace “ when he had a severe case of ADHD, it wasn’t until being shown about the Pokemon School by Mallow did Ash really want to get back into learning.

But what Ash didn’t know was that Principal Oak had access to almost all his records, that means his school records and his trainer records.

 his school records if printed out was a good size stack because most of it was nasty comments his past teachers had about him and there was a good chunk that came from teachers that he never had. His trainer records quadruple in size, making the other stack look like a few flimsy sheets of paper to the monument that was the accomplishments that he had acquired over the past few years. 

Thankfully Principal Oak had taken his time going through both stacks, highlighting what he himself think are key details, and scanning it into two PDF’s and adding the video links also. adding it to an email he CC’d the teachers that cold hold one more student in their class at such a short moment. it was only five teachers, and Professor Kukui was one of them. 

“ Hello all, I would like to state that I am sincerely sorry for reaching you all so late into the night, but I've got a particular student wanting to join our school and you five are my only teachers that have a spot available. in these links are the students School records, notes, and comments from past teachers and their Trainer records - note that I had highlighted details that I myself had thought were important in both documents but feel free to send me any notice or concerns about said student and it would be much appreciated if you all talked about what classroom would be the right one for them so that we can reconvene tomorrow. Sincerely, Principal Oak. “ 

Kukui was working on other scientific paperwork when he got the email, he had a feeling that he already knew who the trainer was but nonetheless he opened the email and the two docs on separate tabs. immediately he was taken back at how many notes and teacher comments from the first document that were all underlined in yellow highlighter. 

“ Ash had somehow had bribe the visiting Lucario and Riolu from interacting with his other classmates, and when confronted about this had denied it until going into a crying fit and brought to the Principals office where we called his mother and viewed the tapes. “ 

the first comment had left something incredibly sour in Kukui’s chest that curled between his ribs, his mind supplied that Ash hadn’t gone into a tantrum but actually pushed to the point of crying by a teacher. the comment didn’t even say if Ash had actually bribed the Lucario and Riolus to him or not. 

scrolling down the pages some he stopped at another comments. 

“ Ash couldn’t sit still during assigned reading time and when faced openly about it he said that he ‘ couldn't consintrate on his book because it was hard for him ‘ he was promptly sent to the Principal’s office and would be retrieved once reading time was over. “ 

now Kukui could understand that sightly, if one of his students acted antsy then it would slowly spread about to the rest. But asking him openly in front fo everyone else in the classroom instead of pulling to him to the side? that was just a dick move right there. 

he scrolled down more until he got to the section of his last year of Middle School. 

“ Ash is incredibly lazy and doesn’t work during most of the class hours. he would approach my after school asking for help with last weeks homework, I asked if his mother helps him. he replied that she’s been busy with her work at the deli shop. I asked about his father and he mumbled something that I had to tell him to repeat it louder, maybe if Ash had a father figure in his life he could actually get some school work done. “ 

Kukui couldn’t believe what he was reading on his computer screen, how can these people be teachers!? you don’t just say that to one of your students that was actively coming after school hours for help. The disgust was slowly started to thicken inside him, but he ignored the document for the email conversation that was happening instead. 

“ I personally don’t want a slacker in my class, all these notes from these teacher must be true! “ ah, good old Amy. Kukui is all for productivity but he know’s that if a student has a bad day, their going to be slower than normal - or in Kiawe’s case, faster and sloppier. 

“ You have a point Amy, but a lot of the comments accusing Ash never stated if they were right or wrong. so you just can’t go assuming that their all right. “ Victor was always apart of the neutral spot, his place next to Kukui since both of them had experienced bad teachers personally and actually worked with them. 

“ Maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt, it say’s that he stopped going to school over 6 years ago, Ash probably wasn’t mentally prepared for school and Kanto does grade harder than we do. this might be really good for him! “ Kukui couldn’t help but figure out who his hackles rose at Petunia’s words. it maybe because Kukui had traveled Alola and Kanto himself, and he didn’t go to collage or any kind of further studies for a while after he got back from Kanto. 

he didn’t bother with a reply because he hasn’t seen the other PDF and so he couldn’t make a full judgment, and he knows Jackson won’t answer until morning because that’s just the type of person he is. 

looking over to the other screen he started from the yellow box surrounding the basic info of the trainer, only to stop and squint at his big screen. 

“ Name: Ashton Ketchum. Class: Pokemon Trainer. Starting Age: 10 - Current Age: 17. Titles: Orange Island Champion; secondary Champion to Kanto and Johto’s Champion Lance, reserving spot for Frontier Brain - though unlikely. Starter Pokemon: Pikachu {through Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, Kalos}. Relatives: Delia Ketchum [Mother, Alive], -Unknown Father-, Kanto Champion Red Ketchum [Older Brother, Deceased], Kanto and Johto Champion Lance Wataru [Uncle, Alive]. Doctor Notes: has a severe case of ADHD and has quite the larger appetite for a boy his age and size. “ 

Kukui ha heard about Orange Islands and Secondary Champion during passing, but he never knew it was an actual thing. but he miraculously passed that information over to focus more on the Frontier Brain title, he knows from passing boring students that come from Sinnoh that the Battle Frontier doesn’t hold a spot for a person that was undecided - but apparently for Ash they did. 

getting over his initial shock he was hit by a different wave of emotion when he read through the relative section. He had personally met Delia, she was such a sweet woman during their short meeting and he he couldn’t help remember their last name for some reason. 

this kid - or young adult now - has been dragged through the mud as a young child by his teachers, doesn’t know who his father is and his brother is dead. pursing his lip’s he leaned back into his chair, Kukui pulled his glasses off to lightly chuck them onto the cluttered desk, his hands coming up to press the palms of his hands into his eyes. 

he was honestly fighting himself. 

Kukui had a good reputation with the kids he taught and watched graduate from the Pokemon School, but this year he noticed that Principal Oak had given him... he really shouldn’t call them special kids and those weren’t the right words in any way. 

Lillie comes from a small family, but a family with privilege and wealth, her mother sends over donations for the school to do big projects and that also help pay for any big field trips that they have. Lana’s father is one - if not - the best fishermen in Alola, he helps out the other Scientist if their work is surrounding marine Pokemon and they pay him a very big check every time he brings them the Pokemon on their list. Kiawe’s farm gives a bunch of free food for the kids that usually can’t bring their own lunch and is one of the most sought out brand for certain foods on all four Islands. Sophocles is the younger cousin of Molayne, and is a growing mastermind at technology. Mallow’s father runs one of the best restaurants in Alola and had been featured on many TV shows and some that even went international. 

but unlike them who were placed in his class for one reason or another by Principal Oak, none of his students have the same vibe like Ash. just being in the same room as the young adult Kukui felt like all the colors around him had turned more vibrant, more colorful in general. and watching him practically sink up with Kiawe during the battle between those three team skull kids was amazing, he spoke the commands to Pikachu in such a way that you just imidieatly know that he had been doing this for some time. and from how he interacted with Mallow, they acted like they already knew each other for quite sometime even though they haven't known each other for probably more than two hours. 

but the question rises, where would he stay? The empty loft sitting in his house collecting dust pushed forward in his brain and he knows for a fact that the other teachers wouldn’t give one of their rooms up in their house to a complete stranger. so it was perfectly clear to Kukui. 

ignoring the conversation still going on between the other three teachers he types out his answer to the Principal. 

“ Give him to me, I have a loft in my house since he’s going to need a place to stay and he had already met all of my students. “ he leaned back after he sent the message, chewing on his bottom lip as his mind flashed through the basic paragraph, he should start searching what could help ADHD people learn better. 

[benisasoftboi]

A Very Serious Pokemon Theory

A while ago I wrote a 2,406 word essay about Pokémon Live! that I thought no one would read. And then, apparently, a few people actually did read it. I found this incredibly flattering - and have also taken it as a challenge to write something even more niche and completely unnecessary.

I will therefore be attempting to convince you of my theory that Pokemon Live! (the Pokemon live-action stage musical) and the Pokemon Christmas Bash music album actually take place in the same universe - one that is more similar to our own than any other in the franchise. My explanation will include reference to the American military, Jesus, politics, infinite multiverses, and the Broadway musical The Book of Mormon. I feel that I should warn for very frequent reference to homophobia, as well as a brief reference to something that could be seen as anti-Semitic. Also, someone will get a Tony Award at the end.

If any of that intrigues, please read on.

The Works In Question

I’m going to briefly explain what Pokemon Live! and Pokemon Christmas Bash are - the initiated can feel free to skip down to the next section if they want.

Pokemon Live! was a live action Pokemon musical that toured in the US from September 2000 to January 2001. It is best known among Pokemon fans for including a subplot that revealed that Ash’s mother and Giovanni dated, possibly implying that Giovanni is Ash’s father - leading to an incredible showdown between Ash and Giovanni where Giovanni, no joke, taunts Ash (a child) by implying that he slept with Ash’s mother, and then follows that up by telling him that nice guys finish last.

Outside of Pokemon fandom, it is mostly known because the character of James was played by a young Andrew Rannells. Rannells would go on to be a very successful Broadway and television actor. One of the things he’s best known for is originating the role of Elder Price in the musical The Book of Mormon. He has, as of writing, been personally nominated for two Tonys, but won neither. This will be relevant later.

Pokemon Live! can be watched for free on YouTube, albeit in very poor quality. It follows Ash trying to win a ‘Diamond Badge’, which is actually a ruse by Giovanni to train his (~mechanical marrrrrvel~) Mecha Mewtwo. It’s a really fun, bizarre ride, because there’s something weirdly earnest about it - like the creators were genuinely, sincerely trying to make a good musical. They did not succeed. It’s a dumpster fire. But a glorious one. 

Pokemon Christmas Bash is an album released at Christmas 2001. It features 10 Pokemon themed Christmas songs, some of which are covers of existing songs, and others which are entirely original. The singers are all members of the 4Kids anime cast. Most of the songs are hilarious, and it’s obvious that everyone was having fun with the whole thing (contrasting Pokemon Live!, which was apparently absolute hell to work on). 

Fun fact, at least one of the songs was written by Eric Stuart, James’s original English voice actor (unless you want to get anal about it, in which case I’m talking about James’s second voice actor, following Ted Lewis, who did all of seven episodes versus Stuart’s hundreds). All in all, there’s not a lot else to say about it (for now). It can all be listened to online, but a physical copy will set you back a hundred dollars or so.

Both Pokemon Live! and Pokemon Christmas Bash are American-made entries into the franchise, and are therefore considered non-canon by most fans. I find this attitude very boring, especially since the Generation 6 games established Pokemon to exist in an infinite multiverse rather than just one fictional universe with one canon. There’s no reason these two can’t exist in their own bizarro canon universe, far away from the rest of the franchise - and I am now going to begin presenting my theory.

The Weirdest Line In Pokemon Live!

Pokemon Live! is filled with strange moments. Mewtwo Ex Machina. Team Rocket on scooters. Brock stopping the entire plot to sing and dance about his polyamorous inclinations towards much older women. 

But the strangest (to me) is when James references Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. By name. Seriously, here’s the quote:

Well yeah, but where does [Mecha Mewtwo] stand on campaign finance reform, social security, and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, for the unfamiliar, was America’s policy regarding gay and bisexual individuals serving in the military, instituted in 1994, and repealed in 2011. The policy basically meant that if you wanted to serve, you had to stay in the closet - but also no one could harass or try to out you. In other words - ‘it’s okay that you’re having gay thoughts, so long as you never act upon them’. (Was that an inappropriate time to make a reference? Can’t be more inappropriate than referencing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in a Pokemon musical, surely...) 

I talked about the meta-level homophobic implications of this line last time, but here, we’re looking at this from an in-universe perspective. It raises important questions.

This must mean Pokemon Live! takes place in Pokemon America, as opposed to the Pokemon Very-Loosely-Japan that we see in the anime and games. So if there is a Pokemon American military, what other American staples are there Pokemon versions of?

So why is there homophobia in this version of the Pokemon universe? No other Pokemon universe has homophobia (sidenote, is it not a little bit darkly funny that the most homophobic piece of Pokemon media is the musical?). In fact, most other Pokemon universes are kind of progressive, if anything - very equal opportunity regardless of race, gender, nation regionality.

Pokemon Christmas Bash has us covered.

Nobody Don’t Like Christmas

Everything we need to know comes from the fourth song on this album - ‘Nobody Don’t Like Christmas’. 

This song is sung entirely by Meowth, and well. Look. Maddie Blaustein was a very talented voice actress. Perhaps she was also a good singer when not doing the Meowth voice, I don’t know. 

But Meowth should not sing. Singing and Meowth do not go together. No one should have heard that voice and thought ‘let’s give that character a song’. It happened in the anime as well, and it’s the worst part of an otherwise great episode. 

If you can look past the grating vocals, though, this song is incredible. The whole thing is a three minute diss track for every non-Christmas holiday, going everywhere from shaming the dateless on Valentine’s Day, to pointing out that Thanksgiving isn’t all that fun for the turkeys, to just straight up declaring St. Patrick’s Day to be dull.

But there are three important lines here to consider.

The first is my personal favourite line in the whole song. 

The Fourth of July / Can be a real drag / If you can’t get no one to salute your flag

Firstly, I love that Meowth is offering the warning that patriotism can only go so far and that eventually citizens’ blind loyalty to country will evaporate if given sufficient reason, leaving celebration of said country hollow and meaningless. A bold choice for Christmas 2001. Not to mention a necessary message for today. 

More importantly though, this suggests that these songs might be being sung by specifically American versions of the main cast. The Fourth of July is a holiday only an American would reference in a song like this, as no other country celebrates it - it definitely wouldn’t come up if they were, say, British, for example (in that case, would probably mention Guy Fawkes Night instead). Even more unlikely if they’re Japanese.

However - it’s worth remembering that Meowth is actually canonically American (he is from Hollywood), meaning it isn’t unreasonable for him to make this reference. This is where line number two comes into play.

Memorial Day is a day to forget!

That’s right, everyone.

Meowth hates the troops.

It’s true. Why else would he dismiss this holiday?

But why does Meowth hate the troops?

We return to Pokemon Live! for answers.

Pokemon and the American Military

Interestingly enough, these are not the only franchise entries that mention the American military. Gym Leader Lt. Surge was explicitly described to be an American soldier in the early games (also fun but not really relevant fact, his anime counterpart shares his English voice actress with Meowth - if him having a voice actress seems odd, the explanation is that Blaustein was a trans woman, and so mostly played male roles as they suited her voice better). 

Real world locations have been gradually phased out as the franchise has continued, and later games implied that he is now from Unova, the region based on America. 

Meowth never seemed to have a problem with Surge in the anime, suggesting that in that version, he does not hate the troops. So what’s different in Christmas Bash?

There’s only one explanation.

Remember, Pokemon Live! establishes the existence of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Also remember - James and Meowth are good friends. And James is gay.

What? That’s always been ambiguous, you say? 

Go watch Pokemon Live! and tell me that version of James isn’t gay. Watch one scene with him in it. Go watch it and then tell me that man is straight. Go and do it. You can’t. Pokemon Live! James is gay as Christmas.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a policy that discriminates against gay people. James may not be a soldier, but it still does reflect social attitudes towards discrimination, and so is something he would likely oppose on general principle. And as James’s friend, Meowth would likely do the same.

Meowth hates the troops because he is an ally.

And so we have our definitive connection. This also confirms that we are in America in both entries.

Probably Blasphemy

So what’s the third important line then?

Who wants to go through all that Yom Kippuren?  

A reference to Yom Kippur. This is a Jewish holiday that I do not feel equipped to explain, due to my definitely not being Jewish, but I understand it to be extremely important in the Jewish faith. 

Essentially saying that it’s too tedious in a song about how great Christmas is doesn’t seem like a great look, 4Kids, just saying. I doubt it was done maliciously but like... still.

However, this confirmation of the existence of Judaism confirms something much bigger - the existence of religion. Another American staple! 

Up until now, this has been ambiguous. Sure, we’ve been referencing Christmas all this time, but there have been no references to Christ, so we could assume that Christmas is a secular holiday with a weird name. It’s already somewhat secular in the real world - my family couldn’t get less religious and we celebrate it. But if there is Judaism, it is totally reasonable to assume there is Christianity. And that opens a whole floodgate.

So firstly, this finally gives us an explanation for where Pokemon Don’t Ask Don’t Tell probably came from! After all, which religion is most associated with homophobia in real-world America? (No hate towards non-homophobic Christians, just for the record, but like... this is a problem, to put it mildly). So this further solidifies the connection, putting them in the same universe.

Plus, the song ends with Meowth stating that he actually hates Christmas! So Meowth is again being an ally - he’s just, like, the kind that takes it really, really far and maybe needs to chill just a little?

Secondly, this makes a certain line from another song on Pokemon Christmas Bash even funnier, where Brock replaces the beginning of the hymn Joy To The World with:

Nurse Joy is a girl / She sure is fun / But I like Jenny too!

Because this means that covering that song with those lyrics isn’t just kind of inappropriate out-of-universe, it’s also inappropriate in-universe!

But what’s really messing with me is the hundreds of new questions Pokemon Christianity raises. How do they reconcile Arceus with God? Is God in this universe a metal goat, or do they coexist? Was there Pokemon Jesus? I’m not sure I’m okay with Pokemon Jesus. If there is Pokemon Jesus, did Pokemon help with the crucifixion (the Timburr line seem like they’d have been helpful)? Or was Jesus like, a baby Arceus, and therefore probably quite difficult to crucify? Is there Pokemon Heaven? Is there Pokemon Hell? How do the Pokemon Christians feel about Mr. Mime, who is clearly an insult to God? What is a Pokemon church service like? Are there different sects of Pokemon Christianity? Were there Pokemon religious wars? Are there Pokemon Catholics? Pokemon Protestants? Pokemormons???

I don’t like this.

And here’s another question.

Remember how I mentioned how Andrew Rannells played James? And how he also originated Elder Price in Book of Mormon?

Well. Here’s the thing. 

Pokemormons are a very real possibility. If there is Christianity, and also America, then it wouldn’t be unlikely for them to exist in this universe.

However, we have determined that this is one universe, and therefore, James and Andrew Rannells cannot coexist. Only James exists in this universe.

So who first played Elder Price in The Book of Pokemormon?

Okay, So, Full Disclosure, This Is Basically Just My Fanfiction Now, But the Sunk Cost Fallacy Says You’ll Probably Stick Around Since You’ve Already Read Over 2,000 Words Of This Nonsense By This Point, and I’m Going to Take Advantage of That

I think it was James. 

I think James went on to start a Broadway career. I think he was in an unlicensed Karate Kid musical, and was Tall in Jersey Boys, and then wound up as Elder Price. I think he did a great job. I think he got nominated for a Tony when award season came round, along with lots of other people involved with The Book of Pokemormon. 

But he didn’t win it. Norbert Leo Butz won it for Catch Me If You Can (I had to look that up, was planning on changing it to a Pokemon-joke title - but what do you know, it already has one. Serendipity!). 

James no longer has a Broadway career. But he does have a Tony.

He stole it.

Because here’s the thing - Team Rocket are actually pretty good at crime when Ash and Co. aren’t around. Remember that one time they stole an entire stadium?

They could have literally stolen the whole show, but instead they just stole one thing - that Tony Award. And so James now has an award for Best Actor in a Musical, as well as the unofficial award for Most Extra Thing Ever Done At The Tonys. 

James disappears, but his legacy remains. In this universe, all Elder Prices have lavender hair - fans reject any Price who tries to avoid this. 

Meanwhile, Jessie, James and Meowth sail off into the sunset in their balloon. James is happy. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will be repealed soon. He will have a chat with Meowth about overzealous allyship, though he appreciates it all the same. He smiles at his friend Jessie and takes her hand. Christmas is a long way off, but he can’t help but be excited all of a sudden. He’ll spend it with his family - Jessie, Meowth, and now, his stolen Tony Award.

In the meantime, they’ll do what they love best.

Be gay and do crime.

What Have We Learnt?

This is the most homophobic Pokemon universe we know of

It’s also a universe where everything is set in America

Meowth is surprisingly politically aware

Meowth hates the troops

There was a Pokemon Jesus

4Kids maybe should have hired some sensitivity readers

James from Pokemon possesses more Tony Awards than Andrew Rannells 

I have way too much free time

Anyway, this was 2,698 words long and a terrible use of literally everyone’s time. It is rambly and extremely self-indulgent and goes off on countless tangents and you could probably poke like ten holes in it without trying. Please don’t take any of this seriously. It’s now 4 AM. Thank you and goodnight. 

[letswritefanfiction]

Mistakes Were Made

A  series of disconnected oneshots that poke fun at the fandom hivemind,  canon, and past!me. I’m taking things that I’ve either observed or done  myself and reframing them in parody where hopefully we can just all have  some low stakes fun and, at best, maybe learn something about our  favorite characters and writing.

Read on ffnet here.

Chapter Four- Wait, How Did We Meet Again?

It was only natural that the Cerulean Gym became the hangout place for all the PokéGirls. First of all, Misty's sisters provided the house with everything one could possibly need for a girly sleepover. Nail polish, gorgeous clothes, lots of makeup, face masks, etc. Secondly, one could presume it was a large space. Certainly it looked that way from the outside, especially after the renovation it must have gotten before Sun and Moon. Similarly, one could only assume that Misty and her sisters lived there, since they're never shown to reside anywhere else. Then there was the central location. Of course, no one has a map of all the anime regions, but since Ash gets to all of them via Kanto—most on foot to boot—we can at least pretend that Kanto is in the middle of all the action.

And, thanks to Misty's dead, missing, or otherwise absent parents—and her aloof sisters—there was no supervision to concern themselves with!

For all of those arbitrary and possibly made up—not to mention rarely canonical—reasons, Misty, May, Dawn, Iris, Serena, Bonnie, Lillie, Lana, and Mallow found themselves sprawled all over Misty's room. Let's say it's a large room, since according to Showdown in Dark City owning Gyms is a good way to make money despite no evidence proving this.

Lana was eyeing all of the Water Pokémon paraphernalia Misty had while Lillie was perusing Misty's closet—Misty, after all, didn't have a mother to force her into clothing that makes her look like a non-Pokémon from another dimension. It was pretty exciting. Dawn and May were gossiping about coordinating while Mallow was trying—and failing—to explain bread baking to Misty. Serena, meanwhile, was dabbing a light amount of makeup on Bonnie's face. The girl was way too young for it, but it was all in good fun, so Serena couldn't see the problem with doing it in the context of a sleepover.

Only Iris was alone. Not only because she didn't have much of an interest in nail polish or makeup, but because…well, she was confused. She kept on glancing at Dawn—and everyone else—trying to gauge if she was the only one who felt out of place in the situation. But if anyone else felt the way she did, they weren't showing it. Finally, in the din of the room, she cleared her throat to speak up.

She said something, but it was lost in the noise of the girls' chattering. She tried again, a little louder, but again, it was swallowed up like a lone voice in a cafeteria. This time, however, Dawn looked over at her and asked, "Did you say something, Iris?"

She said it just loud enough for the room to quiet by half. Taking that as her cue, Iris said, for a third time, "I'm sorry, but just who are all of you?"

Dawn blinked, not sure what her friend was talking about. "Well, I'm Dawn. We met in Unova, remember?"

"No, I know you!" Iris said sharply, not able to hide her frustration any longer. "But who are the rest of you? Whose house is this?"

By then, everyone had hushed and was staring at Iris. They seemed alarmed by her questions and that caused Iris to recoil a bit.

"Well…this is my house," Misty said. "But I'm not sure about the other part. We're all best friends. We all met through Ash."

"Okay," Iris said, almost eagerly, having found something to cling onto. "But how did you guys meet?"

Misty, having accidentally become spokeswoman for the room, took it upon herself to continue. "Uh, well, I met Mallow, Lana, and Lillie in the airport when they came to visit Kanto. And May and I met in Hoenn for the Togepi Festival. And then…"

Misty looked between Dawn, then Iris, then Serena and Bonnie. Her brows furrowed as the words left her. She was left with nothing more to say than, "I…I don't remember."

"Did Ash introduce us?" Iris insisted.

Misty shook her head slowly. "I don't think so. He's not very good at that. I mean, Ash is only indirectly responsible for me meeting any of the rest of you."

"Do we have anything in common?" Iris asked, now on something of a roll.

"Of course we do!" Dawn answered. "We're all great friends with Ash. We all love Pokémon. We've all gone on journeys—"

"Technically we haven't," Lillie interjected in a meek voice. "We do travel occasionally, but I live in my mother's house."

"And she has a butler who drives her everywhere," Lana added.

Iris blinked. "Yeah, that's not so relatable to me."

"Well, we all have careers and aspirations in Pokémon, right?" May asked. "Misty's a Gym Leader and Dawn and I are coordinators…"

"I wanna be a Dragon Master," Iris agreed.

"I've been making a name for myself in Pokémon Showcases," Serena offered humbly. "And Bonnie—"

"I can speak for myself!" Bonnie said. "I wanna be a Pokémon Master, just like Ash!"

"I hope you mean what Ash wants and not what Ash is," Misty mumbled.

"I want to be a Water Type Trainer like Misty," Lana added.

"And I suppose I've been toying with the idea of being a Pokémon researcher," said Lillie.

Mallow was the holdout. She looked awkwardly at the other girls and said, "I think I just want to work at the restaurant with my dad. I mean, my Pokémon work there too and I want to serve to Pokémon customers but…it's just a restaurant."

Her comment was met with silence. Silence which Iris was quick to interrupt. "So. What I'm hearing is that we don't necessarily have a lot in common. I mean, I'm sorry…" she gestured towards Serena, whose eyes grew wide with having been singled out, "but I've never even heard of Pokémon Showcases. That, combined with the fact that I have no idea how I ended up in the same room as any of you, makes me a little hesitant to call you my best friends. My best friends are Ash and Cilan, and Dawn is an acquaintance. The rest of you are strangers."

Once again, the room was thick with silence. This one, profoundly awkward. Silence was not a thing meant to happen at slumber parties. If there was a lull in the conversation, put on a rom-com. If people started ignoring the rom-com, throw on some throwback music. If that failed, take it upon yourself to prank call any one of Misty's sisters. Apparently a lot of unknown numbers were in this room, ready to be utilized for prank calls. However, none of that happened.

"Well, that sure took the fun out of everything," Bonnie pouted.

"It's okay, Bonnie," Serena comforted. "She's probably right. Maybe we should both go home."

"To Kalos?"

Serena shrugged. Just as she was about to stand up to leave, Misty said, "No, that's ridiculous. The least we can do is stay here and get to know each other. We're all friends with Ash and that's enough in common for me. I trust his taste in friends."

"Me too," Dawn said decidedly.

"That's fine with me," Iris said, surprising everyone. "You're just not my best friends."

Moral: Um, sudden endings are off-putting? Sorry, it seemed as good a place to end it as any.

Real Moral: Most of these characters don't know each other. I've read a lot of stories where Misty, May, and Dawn are all best friends, but Misty and Dawn have never met in canon. And there's never any explanation for this. As Misty said in this story, I don't trust Ash to have done a thoughtful introduction between any of these characters. I would buy that May would introduce Dawn and Misty but when? Why? Where? These are good questions to consider when putting these characters in a story together.

Exception: Really, there are lots. I've certainly done this (the chapter "Effeminize" in my Alphabet Challenge comes to mind) and I'd say being a oneshot is the most common exception. The truth is that not every oneshot is going to have the space for this kind of exposition or back story. But, generally, if you can avoid being arbitrary with this kind of thing (or anything) the better your story will be. Specificity is almost always the way to go. But in a multi-chap there's really no excuse for not fleshing this out.

Secondary (Tertiary?) Moral: Yes! A second one! Apologies for this level of preachiness. The second moral is that even if these characters have been introduced, they are unlikely to be best friends. Take into account how much time they've spent together and what they have in common. There might be less there than you'd think. Example: Misty has a real friendship with Lana because they have so much in common, but they're still not best friends like her and Ash or Brock because they haven't spent much time together. She and Tracey spent a lot of time together, but they don't seem to have too much in common, so they're close, but probably not best friends.

Exception: A character who doesn't understand emotional boundaries? I don't know.

[fusionbolts-archive]

NPC Headcanon; buckle up boys and girls, it’s time for fun facts about Lucia Devine - Hero of Ideals, princess of Unova, and queen of my heart & soul. Focusing mostly on her life and influence after the twins vanished, with a bit of detail regarding her childhood and life while her father wasn’t presumed dead and such for context’s sake.

For an overview, Lucia was Adair’s second child, three years younger than her brother Edgar. She was practically the spitting image of Adair growing up, a born troublemaker who, despite (or maybe because of) her enthusiasm, tended to pick fights and get herself in over her head quite a bit. Lucia was 14 when the twins were presumed dead.

 The best place to start with Lucia is immediately after the first War of Truth and Ideals; her father had undergone some pretty traumatic events near the end of the war with, you know, nearly burning to death, and (understandably) wasn’t acting anything like his usual self after he was well enough to be up and about again. To Clara’s credit, she tried her best to look after Lucia and Edgar during the immediate aftermath, but there was a lot that ended up falling on her--trying to help Adair adjust, helping to bridging the gap between the twins while they settled everything with their truce, and so on--which meant Lucia’s... shenanigans could go under the radar for a while. It was during this time that she first really started approaching Zekrom, quickly finding the dragon to be a good companion and playing with them fairly often. (And its no secret that Zekrom absolutely ADORES her; she is, hands down, probably the most important person in the world to them, even today, now that she's long gone.) Within the next few years, Zekrom came to realize that Lucia had the right traits to become the Hero of Ideals - this information was shared with Adair so he could begin teaching her what she'd need to know. At about twelve, Adair first began to teach her combat, and soon after she began to accompany him while he worked on restoring Unova with Zekrom's help.

Now, her story really begins with the second war. After her brother & cousin finished, you know, destroying everything and Adair pinned it all on the dragons, Lucia was extremely distressed over what would happen to Zekrom. So much so that she went to eavesdrop on her father while he and Shinri (and Ephreith) decided what to do about the dragons. And then confronted her father on it shortly before he went to apply the dragon stone seal to the Dark Stone, saying it was unfair to seal Zekrom away and trying to stop him. Both of them said a lot of things that they ended up regretting; basically, Lucia's last conversation with her father did not end on a good note, and she ultimately failed to prevent Zekrom from being sealed in the Dark Stone. Shortly thereafter, the twins' families would find out of their (presumed) deaths, the twins' sons would refuse inheritance of the crown because of the general dislike (if that isn't putting it likely) towards them after the second war, and ultimately Ephreith would step up and take over ruling Unova with no one else suitable for the job.

In the following years, Lucia would soon come to realize that Ephreith was not to be trusted. It began when she first saw how manipulative of her family he truly was; she certainly had her suspicions before then, however - something about the fact that he created the seal that apparently resulted in the twins' deaths never sat right with her as 'an accident' - but she truly began to catch on when she finally got her brother and cousin to open up about what happened, noticing how strange it seemed that Ephreith had essentially encouraged Allen to begin the war, but still warned Edgar of what was about to happen. In the following months, his more manipulative nature would become clear as Lucia began to pay closer attention.

As her distrust for Ephreith grew, she felt more and more convinced of a need to take action against him. This began with her mission to break the seal on the Dragon Stones and release Zekrom - however, she was well aware Ephreith, and the rest of Unova, for that matter, wanted the Dragons out of the way and would never allow her to go through with something like that. Meaning - Lucia had to do this in secret, sneaking the Seal Book from the castle (often with help from Elias, Ephreith's son) and spending evenings studying it in secret to find a solution. Ephreith quickly caught on, however; he would do everything he could to prevent her from succeeding in breaking the seals, while Lucia would find ways around that to continue working at it. When Ephreith discovered Kyurem's existence and attempted to create the DNA splicers to recreate the original dragon, Lucia caught on (through, you guessed it, eavesdropping and finding out from Elias that his father had gone over the deep end) and did everything in her power to hinder his success in turn.

The reason Ephreith couldn't really do anything to Lucia to get her to stop was that he was still trying to preserve some semblance of trust - namely, from some of the important people the twins had known like Nymphadora, Magni and the Shadow Walkers in general, and so forth. Retaliating against Lucia would likely cause suspicion, as there was no apparent reason for it; in turn, Lucia was extremely hesitant to share the truth about Ephreith after being dismissed by her brother on the subject, fearing her mother and the others who had been friends with the both twins and Ephreith wouldn't want to believe her. (Around this time, a series of other Awful Things seemed to go down around Lucia - Elle falling ill, Allen's death, and her brother running away. With all the other things her mother had going on at the time, Lucia couldn't bring herself to tell Clara that Ephreith may or may not have been the one responsible for Adair's death.)

Anyway - around the age of 18, Lucia and Elias were engaged, much to the dismay of Ephreith, who was still in the process of trying to create a working DNA splicer. He had to devise a way to get Lucia out of his hair without any cause for suspicion - and fortunately for him, there was one, and it would be to Unova's benefit as well. Lucia, unlike her father, had been very much in support of briding the gap between Unova and Kalos and forming an alliance. After all, Unova was still struggling recover from the aftermath of the second war, had little external trade going, and was generally probably going to collapse if they couldn't find help from another region. Ephreith became aware of this - likely through Elias - and decided to use that to his advantage by making contact with Kalos and proposing Lucia go off as an ambassador of sorts. (Who was, of course, fairly suited for the job, being fluent in Kalosian/French thanks to her mother and... you know, a former-slash-future princess / essentially a noblewoman, which would make for some very good appearances while in Kalos.)

So, both Lucia and Ephreith knew the real reason he wanted her to go to Kalos; she was understandably hesitant about agreeing, but knew, with Unova's position and all, she couldn't really refuse. As it turned out, this was one of the biggest decisions she would make in her life. She left for Kalos several months later and would stay for about a year. Anyone who's familiar with her character would probably assume this was recipe for disaster, but fortunately for everyone involved, Lucia isn’t the tactless doofus her father was. While away, she was quite successful in winning over the Kalosian nobility (although initially she wasn’t received very well due to being half-Isshu and... yeah that was fun) and managed to convince them that the two regions should reconcile. (Meanwhile, Ephreith was trying his damnedest to get Elias to call off his engagement with Lucia without much success. And also trying to combine the dragons, which... due to Kyurem being P.O.’d, was also not succeeding.) Even after returning to Unova, however, Lucia would remain as something of an ambassador to Kalos for the rest of her life, often visiting every few years or so. Those fancy Reshiram and Zekrom statues in Kalos? Yep, they were constructed as a show of friendship between Unova and Kalos very late in Lucia’s life, unveiled during one of her last visits.

On top of that, Lucia and Elias were married shortly after her return, meaning when Elias inherited his father’s crown, Lucia was Queen Regent of Unova. And, boy, did she use the power (and freedom from Shitmonia getting in the way). Beyond re-establishing external trade via alliance with Kalos, she also worked tirelessly to preserve whatever remained of Isshu culture, to the point that even thought what remained was very, very little - after all, Kalos had practically tried to stamp it out entirely - almost all of its survival can be attributed to Lucia. In a somewhat similar vein, re-assumed the Devine family’s role of managing the royal guard as well, at least when she wasn’t in Kalos. Though she was never directly involved in it, she held responsibility for making sure the guard was overseen and acting justly. Additionally, of course, she also helped Elias in ruling Unova, giving him advice and opinions on matters - allegedly, everything he did as king, he ran by Lucia first. 

Lucia's historical significance is hard to overstate; she's recognized both in Unova and Kalos for her contribution in bringing the two regions together in friendship after many, many years of animosity between them, as well as for the work she did in re-stablizing Unova in her time as Queen Regent. However, almost completely forgotten to history was her relationship to the Twin Heroes, as they largely faded into mythological figures, and connection to Zekrom; furthermore, history tends to remember her best by her married name, Lucia Harmonia, rather than by her maiden name, Devine, with the latter being recorded only very, very rarely.