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makeste · 4 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 279: Here Comes the Airplane

Previously on BnHA: Gigantomachia gathered up the rest of the League and headed off to go help Tomura. Also he is now 80 feet tall. The heroes were all, “whoa this guy is really big, we should probably stop him and maybe even devote an entire chapter or two just to that,” and so they sent three whole people after him, which sadly is pretty much the exact sort of strategy I’ve come to expect from them by this point. Anyway so Mt. Lady tried to hold Machia off but kept getting flung aside, and Kamui Woods tried to catch him but was set on fire by Dabi who is just having way too good of a time setting all of the flammable heroes on fire today, and Midnight tried to put him to sleep but Compress threw a bunch of debris at her and so she fell like 80 feet. The chapter ended with Midnight being all “fuck this” and calling Momo, who ordered the rest of the child soldier squad into action as Machia approached. I’m not really sure what they’re gonna do, but I honestly don’t really care, because it’s Momo, and so, YES.

Today on BnHA: U.A.’s first-year hero students, who apparently had nine hours to prepare their battleground instead of the fifteen seconds we had all assumed, launch a complex multi-staged assault which is actually really fucking impressive because these kids are actually awesome. First they pin Machia down in one of Honenuki’s mud pits, and then they take turns making impassioned attempts to take out the other League members chilling out on Machia’s back. Unfortunately none of these attempts work because of Dabi, who’s working overtime while the rest of the League sits around shooting down each other’s escape plans. Basically a lot of stuff gets set on fire, and then the chapter ends with Mt. Lady pinning Machia to the ground while MINA, YES, MINA, charges at him covered in acid like some sort of video game boss that you need some kind of specific item to defeat. DID YOU KNOW YESTERDAY WAS MINA’S BIRTHDAY YOU GUYS. Anyway so this chapter is basically pandemonium from start to finish, and it’s great. It is a RUMPUS, y'all. A STRAIGHT UP HULLABALOO.

IS IT MOMO LOVIN’ HOURS I THINK IT IS, YOU GUYS. ARE YOU EXCITED. I AM EXCITED

but first, the color page we were promised, in celebration of Six Whole Years Of This Bullshit!!

oh god oh god so much to love so little time

some of the rowdier characters are making MULTIPLE APPEARANCES IN THIS SHITSHOW, including Kaminari who appears to be in a record-setting THREE of these! who exactly was taking all of these pictures, and why are they so obsessed with him. also how many of these are going to be used as evidence in the latest Kami Traitor Theory posts and is it too early for me to get mad about it

“WE INVITED ENDEAVOR AND HAWKS TO OUR ‘BEING FANCY ON THE COLOR PAGE’ PARTY, EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE NOT U.A. STUDENTS OR FACULTY. WE JUST FELT LIKE IT.” listen that is fine, y’all don’t have to explain yourselves to me

Mirko however is not here, I assume because if she was, Horikoshi would have forgotten to draw all the rest of the characters again. she’s too powerful

Midnight is so sexy I don’t even ksdfnkl

ALL MIGHT LOOKING HAPPY GIVES ME THE STRENGTH I NEED TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE REST OF THIS WEEK. YOUR SMILE IS THE MVP

Cementoss’s face is the runner-up MVP and one of the greatest things I’ve seen in my life

half the people here seem to be attempting to flirt with whoever is taking the pictures. I am starting to suspect that the culprit is Momo. change my mind

for some reason I am really shocked to see Endeavor getting his drink on. and he’s literally the only one, too

Bakugou’s half-assed I SAID NO PAPARAZZI skills are no match for Tamaki’s legendary “I WILL LITERALLY DIE IF YOU CAPTURE ME ON FILM” abilities

I literally didn’t notice Deku until like three quarters of the page in. he sure does blend right in there

Tokoyami is approximately 97.3% done and ticking EVER CLOSER to full 100% doneness, and when that happens even I can’t tell you what is going to go down

do I even need to mention how sexy Aizawa’s hair is. apparently I do

SERIOUSLY THOUGH CEMENTOSS’S FACE

anyway, so that was nice! NOW ON TO THE MOMOLOVIN’

and we begin with FIRST YEAR CLASS B HONENUKI “MUDMAN” JUZOU just LAYIN’ SOME TRAPS IN THE WOODS, as one does

oh my freaking god Tokage

somehow her quirk didn’t freak me out quite this much the last time we saw her. she is really something. has she always had shark teeth

also WHERE IS MONOMA’S GROUP. I immediately want to know!! is he with the Shouto group? or is there yet ANOTHER student group we don’t know about? what would they even be doing

or did Horikoshi actually get three quarters of the way through writing this arc and then suddenly slap his forehead as he realized that if Monoma just casually copied Machia’s powers he would either DIE IMMEDIATELY or else become SUPER STRONG and also grow 80 feet tall and this would suddenly be a very different battle with the scales tipping decidedly in the heroes’ favor. and so he had to quickly write him out of the battle in this very half-assed way

anyway, so while I ponder that, Tokage is peeking the top of her head out over the trees and staring at Machia who is, you guessed it, still heading right their way! just like he’s been doing pretty much this entire time

and now there’s a whole page of reaction panels you guys. this is why Horikoshi tries to avoid these massive Endgame-style battles with every single hero known to man participating. hopefully we won’t have too many of these. like I mean thank you for the roll call and all but I’d like to get to the action now

Mineta of all people is stealing this entire page with that expression though. he is not fucking around. this is twice in as many chapters that he’s been a page-stealing face-making champ. dare I hope this could be the start of a new niche for him? lord knows it would be so much better than the old niche

also this page is just sweatdrops galore. these kids are so nervous. MANGA GODS PLEASE KEEP THEM SAFE, although I’m honestly not too worried about them compared to the adults. I’m sure I should be, but I just am not

all right so now Momo is explaining what those little canisters are!

okay but someone please explain to me how it is that they had time to stop and lay all of these traps?? not just Honenuki’s, but Mineta’s and what looks like some of Shiozaki’s work as well?? did Machia just STOP MOVING for like five whole minutes all of a sudden for no reason at all? while they were all sitting out here saying things like “with that speed...”? ????? ????????

also lol wtf. “we’re gonna have to make him eat it.” I still have no idea what their plan is, but it’s getting more entertaining by the minute I’ll say that much

okay so Momo says that if they can get him to swallow just one of these, then that should be enough to put him to sleep. oh my god this chapter is going to be AMAZING isn’t it

meanwhile Mineta is worrying about Midnight. I swear to god if they turn this into something where he’s only worried because she’s hot, I will take one of these canisters and shove it right up his...

okay good, Mina’s reassuring him that it’s gonna be okay, and then we’re just cutting to Machia stampeding in with Mt. Lady and Kamui still clinging to him

WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS EVEN DOING

“we’ll just stand here adjacent to him and just kind of watch as he rushes straight at the children.” someone help me, I’m having difficulty finding a synonym for “useless” that carries the full amount of emphasis I want to place on it right now. this requires a degree of language the human race is not yet capable of

OH SNAP

THEY GOT HIM YEAHHHHH

OH DANG, FOR REAL THOUGH!!

ngl, for a brief spiteful moment I was disappointed he hadn’t actually fallen on them :/

and they’re still JUST STANDING THERE, I CAN'T EVEN?? we’re getting to the point where I honestly think actual civilians might have been of more use in this situation

YESSSSS

TIME TO FIND OUT HOW MANY TENTH GRADERS GIGANTOMACHIA CAN TAKE IN A FIGHT

also, sorry to keep harping on this, but the juxtaposition of that earlier panel with all of the fully grown and experienced pros just standing in dumb awe, immediately followed by this panel of BRAVE BUT DETERMINED CHILDREN CHARGING IN AND YELLING “GO GO GO”, is just... it really is something. shit. if I was the HPSC and this was what I had to work with, I too might have seriously considered fudging a few age requirements in hopes of finding someone who could actually get the fucking job done

also what the hell is going on down there with Shishida and Satou and that third person? what are those Blackwhip-looking things?? I’m confused

ohhhhh no

Shiozaki is about to be sent flying through the air courtesy of her own hair vines omg

OH NO WAIT THE THREE TOUGH GUYS ARE STOPPING HIM. AHHH THE LAST ONE WAS KENDOU AHHHH

I still can’t figure out what the hell those are though lol. did Momo make some steel cables?? I feel like Machia would be able to break just about any kind of rope or chain they could concoct just by sheer brute strength alone

ah fuck

DON’T YOU GUYS GO RUINING THIS FOR ME!! THEY’VE GOT A GOOD THING GOING HERE, LET THEM HAVE THEIR FUN!!

although I do appreciate how they’re all “U.A.!!” in kind of this “oh shit, these guys we actually have to worry about” sort of tone lol

this look on Toga’s face is a bit concerning! well but Deku and Ochako aren’t here though, so I wonder who she’s gonna fight if it comes to that. huh

(ETA: seriously, does anyone have any idea what Toga is planning cuz I sure don’t.)

Shouji and Ojiro, who I might remind you are normal people with no enhanced physical abilities aside from extra appendages, appear to have somehow circled all the way around to Machia’s back and are now climbing up oh shit

oh and Aoyama’s there too! -- is Shouji carrying him omg

he’s using him as a human ray gun omggg. this is the most delightful thing I’ve ever witnessed

NOW SOMETHING IS BEING SHOT AT THE LEAGUE AND DABI’S STARING AT IT ALL “>:(” AND I’M PRETTY SURE THIS THING, WHATEVER IT IS, IS ABOUT TO BE SET ON FIRE, LET’S SEE

lds;afksjdl;fkj WERE THOSE JIROU’S EARJACKS??!!

okay you know what fuck you Dabi. you think it’s funny to set a little girl’s ears on fire?! don’t expect any sympathy from me when Aoyama lasers you in the face

WELL I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT THEY’RE SHOOTING WHAT LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF LITTLE TAMBOURINES AT HIM NOW

I ASSUME THEY ARE NOT ACTUALLY TAMBOURINES, BUT I REALLY DON’T KNOW, IT’S NOT LIKE THEY HANDED OUT THE RULE BOOK TO THIS THING AHEAD OF TIME

[HUGE EXAGGERATED GASPING SOUNDS]

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my

OH MY GOD AND YANAGI THREW THEM WITH HER POLTERGEIST QUIRK!??

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS “ACK?!!” IS AND IT’S REALLY BUMMING ME OUT, BECAUSE THIS CAME WITHIN INCHES OF BEING THE COOLEST FUCKING COMBINATION I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!?!?

(ETA: it would have laid them all flat in seconds. Kaminari is to be feared you guys.)

NO!!!!!

it is sincerely frustrating to me watching the League carelessly toss aside all of their painstakingly accumulated goodwill from the MVA arc in the span of just a few short pages. hey Compress, you think it’s cool to hurl a bunch of rocks at my six-and-a-half-year-old son?? I hope someone rips that cool robot arm off and uses it to punch you in the dick

here comes Sero!! and how are you going to die, Sero

what in the

did he just... sneeze them all into space

okay but hear me out, what if Shouda absorbed that impact. SHOUDA YOUR TIME HAS FINALLY COME. CLASS 1-B’S ASCENT TO GLORY

(ETA: watch this space!! Shouda is here for a reason mark my words.)

meanwhile on Machia’s back, Dabi is soliloquying about Machia’s quirk while his arm is doing... something

please forgive me for not being able to drum up any sympathy for poor Dabi’s arms right about now. quit trying to set all my kids on fire

wait whaaaaat lol

so I scrolled back up to the previous page, and... that was fire?? lord help me why am I still so terrible at being able to tell when Horikoshi is drawing fire as opposed to just air randomly whooshing through trees. I have really got to memorize that foossh sound effect

so can Gigantomachia just BREATHE FIRE now?? or was ALL OF THAT Dabi??? if it was the latter then at least he had the decency to wait until all of the kids got blown out of range before setting the whole forest aflame to keep them back. I’ll admit it, that was thoughtful of him as far as villain power moves go

OHO BUT YOU CAN’T COUNT MOMO OUT JUST LIKE THAT!!

AND NOW EVERYTHING AROUND THEM IS EXPLODING AHHHHHH DID YOU GUYS SET LANDMINES, BAKUGOU WOULD BE SO PROUD

once again I have to ask myself exactly how much prep time they had here. Horikoshi would have you think it was mere seconds, but that clearly cannot be the case?? maybe they set some of these up beforehand to catch any stray villains trying to flee the area?

lmao Spinner’s all “wait why doesn’t he just dig his way out”, because apparently Machia can tunnel himself under the ground. but Compress is all “um because we would die” and Spinner is all “oh right”

though I gotta say, it’s not like they’re that much better off as things are now, either. pinned down in the woods surrounded by fire and explosives. definitely a conundrum

oh snap Compress has realized that their presence is holding Machia back. don’t tell me Machia is gonna head off on his own and leave the rest of the League to square off with the kids

YOOOOOO HOLY SHIT THE HEROES ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING

there you go, League! free cannon fodder to get you all pumped and confident again!

DKFJLSDKJ

PLEASE LET THIS BE THE ACTUAL TRANSLATION OH MY GOD. THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE LINE IN ANYTHING AHHHH

“I’m leaving it to you, U.A.’s youngsters!” yeah, you and everyone else. ah well, can’t deny they get the job done

OH MMKJKYYYY GODDDDDDJJK

MINA COATED HERSELF IN ACID AND IS RUNNING AT GIGANTOMACHIA AND IS SHE ALSO ON FIRE??!?! SHE’S JUST RUNNING AT HIM LIKE A BIG OL’ FIERY BLOB???! QUEEN MINA???!! FIRE IS NOT HER WEAKNESS???! MINA??!! IS AIRPLANE?!??!!?!? MINAAAAAAA

holy fucking shit this whole arc is just one big Arc Of Ladies Getting To Do Stuff and I am 1000% living for it. THIS ARC IS MY FAMILY. I WOULD DIE FOR IT AND LEAVE EVERYTHING TO IT IN MY WILL. ahhhhhhhhhh

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some-cookie-crumbz · 6 years ago

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Lead Them by the Nose

Lead Them by the Nose Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Pairing: Kidge Summary: AU where Pidge gets busted for being a sneaky little shit and has to do community service. Her assignment is to work at a local animal shelter and Keith is the regular volunteer assigned to determine her rehabilitation status. I started this in March of last year with the intention of making it a multi-chapter project (maybe a total of five or six chapters) and might explore it further if there’s interest. Standard Disclaimer: If you read and enjoy this, please give it a like/ reblog so I know if I should write more.

Getting slammed against the hood of a cop car wasn’t an experience she ever had any intention of gaining, but upon receiving it, she determined it was unpleasant. Especially when the officer slamming you down was about two times your size and clearly putting his all into it. She rolled her shoulders and glared out at the officer that had been shoving and jerking her around like a ragdoll as she paced the small holding cell they’d tossed her into. Luckily enough, she was alone; normal people didn’t go getting themselves arrested on a Wednesday night, after all. “You seriously gonna keep me locked up in here? I didn’t even do anything wrong!” She shouted.

Officer Haxus, the one that had brought her in, glared at her from his desk. “I wouldn’t consider trying to break in to a government building in the middle of the night right! If it were up to me, you’d be preparing yourself for a rude wake up call,” He snarled lowly, eyes narrowed to dangerous slits. She answered by flipping him the bird. He stood up and approached, grabbing the bars and leaning closer to her face. “Oh, you’re lucky that Sargent Sherlock was the one to determine what to do with you. I’d knock that snide attitude right out of you if I were in charge. Apparently someone is on the way to get you.”

“I’d like to see you try to knock anything out of me. You’re nothing but an overinflated balloon puffing hot air,” She seethed back quietly.

He opened his mouth to speak when they heard footsteps echoing down the hallway. “Katie!” The voice gasped, panting and frantic.

She felt a weight settle in her stomach like a stone at the voice. A sly smirk turned up on the officer’s face at how she seemed to wilt. “Oh, what’s this? Not so haughty once Mommy has to come to your rescue? How typical of your kind,” He mocked, pushing off the bars and walking away. Sargent Sherlock began approaching as well, an uneasy smile on her lips.

“Hello again, Colleen. It’s been a while,” She said gently as the other woman darted over, gasping at the sight of her youngest child in the cell.

“Katie, darling! What are you doing here? What happened?” She asked frantically, looking at her daughter and then looking back at Sargent Sherlock. “Olia, please, this must be a misunderstanding! My Katie is a very good girl and would never do something arrest-worthy!”

Katie, as she was known, winced and cast a guilty glance at the floor. The last few times she’d been caught, Matt or Shiro were either at the station already or answered the call instead. Between knowing two trainees and being the daughter of the cold case units Captain, she had enough clout to walk out free as a bird most of the time.

Sargent Sherlock released a small sigh, her brown eyes soft as she looked between the two other women. “Look, Colleen, I’m not gonna mince words with you here. Katie was caught trying to break into the Court House; presumably to hack into the database for some reason. We’re gonna try and be lenient on her, but charges have to be brought up,” She explained.

“Trying to…?” Colleen trailed, her gaze shifting from Olia, to the floor, then to her daughter. She swallowed hard when the young woman didn’t even dare to lift her head to meet her gaze. She looked back over at Olia, expression nothing short of pleading. “Can’t you just let me take her home? We can talk about this and I can guarantee she’ll never pull a stunt like this again.”

The Sargent’s shoulders sagged. “This is the fifth time she’d been caught trying to do this, Colleen. I can’t keep turning a blind eye and pretending this isn’t happening; my history working under Captain Holt has to be said aside at some point for my own professional integrity. She needs to be charged with what she’s done as she clearly isn’t learning,” She insisted gently. The look of betrayal on the woman’s face at the revelation of how many times this had occurred prior without her knowledge seemed to wound her deep. “We’ll do all we can to lessen the load. Since Katie is still seventeen, she still constitutes as being a minor. I’ll be running it past our ADA and see if we can’t get her charged as a juvenile; try and make any punishment a little bit lighter. We’ll be in touch and let you know as soon as a determination and court date have been set. That’s the most I can do for either of you at this point, though.”

Colleen took a deep breath and nodded. “Thank you, Olia,” She said quietly. Olia flashed a smile she hoped was reassuring or comforting in some way before unlocking the cell door and letting Katie walk out. The young girl moved slowly and uneasily out, trying to cautiously catch her mother’s eye but found. When she did, she saw nothing but a silent fury and heart-shattering disappointment that made her pin her gaze back on the tiled floor beneath her sneakers. Colleen said nothing as they left the building and headed to the car.

Once they settled in she took a deep breath. “Look, Mom-!”

“Don’t. I don’t want to hear anything right now, Katie,” She cut in, her tone even in a way that left her daughter’s stomach roiling. Colleen Holt was more times than not a warm and outgoing woman with a lot of patience, but those closest to her knew that she could be a force of pure terror when she was at the ends of her rope. Katie squirmed uneasily in her seat, looking out the window in hopes of keeping the heavy atmosphere from weighing her down too much on the whole ride home.

When they pulled up, Colleen opened her door to shout at the figure in the doorway, “Matthew Holt, go inside and sit down on the couch. Now.”

Matt jumped, his gaze shifting from their mother to Katie as she slipped out of the car herself. He himself had taken on the appearance of a deer in headlights as he, undoubtedly, realized what had happened. She flashed him a guilty, apologetic glance, before following Colleen into the house.

“How long has this been going on?” Colleen asked once they were both seated, standing in front of them with her hands on her hips.

“About two months,” Matt admitted, wincing at how mortified Colleen looked. He held his hands up defensively. “Look, Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t own up to this. This is my fault for not owning up to it sooner and-!”

“Nice try, Matt, but I wasn’t born yesterday. You certainly should have known better, and you’re going to receive a rude awakening for that, but this was more than just your mistake. Your sister is old enough to know that there are consequences to her actions and should be able to accept her own punishment,” She seethed before turning to stare at her daughter. Matt wilted a bit at his efforts being completely shut down so quickly. “You’ve got the floor if you want to try and defend yourself, young lady.”

Katie took a deep breath before meeting her eyes. “I’ve just been trying to get some information. Dad’s always away on that case they’ve got, and I figured that a set of new eyes might be able to catch something they’re all missing,”

“This is not something you need to concern yourself with, Katie. You should be leaving this to your father and his team,”

She scowled. “You’re always telling me that I should apply myself! This is a way to test my skills and show that the police force needs to focus! If a teenage girl can slink around and hack into their stuff than an actually criminal would have no problem!”

Colleen puffed up a bit, fury sparking her eyes to a full blaze. “You’ve been caught doing this five times now!”

“Yeah, but that’s just the times they’ve actually caught me. You’d be surprised how many more they haven’t,” She scoffed lightly.

“Do you understand the severity of what you’ve done, young lady? You are committing a serious crime! You could face serious jail time, have your entire live ruined! And for what? Because you want the thrill of doing something risky?” Colleen snapped, glaring her daughter down. Pidge’s façade of ambivalence wilted immediately. She’d never seen her mother look so furious. “Do you think because you’re smart that makes you untouchable? Your behavior is not becoming of the intelligent young woman you usually are, and more a bratty child getting too big for their britches! For your sake, I hope Olia’s able to get some mercy shown for you, but it’s about time you learned about consequences!”

Katie stood up, hands clenching at her side. “I’m doing this to prove myself and to help people!”

“You’re doing this because you think having ties in the police force makes you above reproach! If you had been treated like anyone else you’d have been locked up and treated like an adult the first time you got caught! And don’t try to bluff about how your Dad and Matt being cops isn’t a huge factor in this! You’ll be insulting all of ours intelligence if you did,” Colleen growled back angrily.

Again, she wilted under the weight of what her Mom said. A part of her was keenly aware of just how true it was, but the rest of her didn’t want to accept that. She growled and turned, storming down the hall to her bedroom. She could hear her Mom tearing into her brother before she went into her room, threw herself on her bed, and hid her head under her pillow to try and block out everything else.

……………………………………………………………………………

Sargent Sherlock ended up coming through with getting Katie treated as a juvenile, but she was placed on the docket of Judge Trigel. Judge Trigel had taken one look at Katie and decided that she’d be a great fit for the experimental youth rehabilitation program that they were testing out. How it worked, as Katie learned through skimming the packet that Saturday morning on their way, was that the juvenile in question would be placed in one of four different programs where they’d be assisting with some kind of community project or program. They’d be assigned to one of the other volunteers in the program, who would give them a letter grade over the course of three months. So long as they received good marks and seemed to be adapting well, she’d be making it out well enough. “Couldn’t they have just stuck me in a community service program? Where I was cleaning trash off the highways or something?” She grumbled, glaring out the passenger side window.

It was a Saturday morning, it was just barely 7am, and she didn’t want to be alive right now.

Matt flashed her a hopeful smile. “Hey, at least it gives you something to do other than sulk around playing WoW with a bunch of strangers on the internet,” He said.

“I like playing WoW with a bunch of strangers. Plus I also work on coding and designing new programs, too, so I’m being productive,”

“Well, at least you get to do something to help your fellow man and help better their life,”

“I’m going to be helping out at an animal shelter,”

“Uh, at least you’ll get some real-world experience in working with others, whom you may not get along with, towards a common goal…?”

“You mean like I do every day at school?”

“…”

“Okay, you know what? I’m not even gonna try to find a silver-lining for you then. Go in with a bad attitude and see what happens with whoever they put in charge of you. I’m sure it’ll go splendidly,” He said sarcastically.

“Oh, please. All I have to do is fake it until I make it,” She scoffed.

“You know what else you could do? Actually try. It might not seem like it’ll be your cup of tea, but it might end up being a lot of fun and benefit you. Besides, you like animals,”

“Correction; I like Bae Bae. And I love Bae Bae because he is the best dog ever who puts all other dogs to shame. He isn’t excessively drooly or clingy and he doesn’t shed everywhere. He is not the rule, but rather, he is the exception,” She said bluntly.

Matt leaned forward and thunked his head against the steering wheel at the stop light, groaning loudly. “It’s too early for this,” He moaned, perking up and resuming driving once the light changed.

“I agree. We should ditch this and go get some donuts and coffee instead,” Katie suggested, making sure to use the tone that implied she was being helpful.

“No, Pidge, we’re not going to do that. You’ve got to do your rehab work and I have plans to go do a workout with Shiro,” He said as he shifted into the turn lane and slipped into the shelter plaza.

“Traitor,” She grumbled, crossing her arms and sinking further into her seat.

Matt flashed her an annoyed look. “Oh, yeah, I’m the traitor when I tried to take the fall for you on this. Look, I’ll be back around three to pick you up, okay?”

“Three?” She whined.

“Yes. You have to do a minimum of five hours a day twice a week in order to get what they consider an accurate amount for whoever is giving you your grades to determine your progress. Were you even, like, paying attention to Judge Trigel when she was explaining this to you?”

“Do you want the honest answer?”

“…”

“Get out of my car until I come back to pick you up,” He huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose and pointing after shifting his car into park.

Katie opened her mouth to say something, then seemed to think better of it and slipped out, shifting the strap of her messenger bag as she did. She stared at the large double-doors leading into the facility, took a steeling breath, and then made the trek across the dirt parking lot. Matt was nice enough to wait until she was opening the door, peering over her shoulder to offer him a small wave before he headed off back towards the road. She walked inside and was stunned by how cool the small lobby was. There didn’t seem to be anyone at the front counter as she approached, looking around curiously. There was a small bench built into the wall opposite the little counter, and a small corkboard covered in fliers for dog-walking groups, pet groomers and other such things. Just past the corkboard was another set of double-doors, and on the wall opposite the corkboard was a smaller wooden door. She rested her arms on the front counter. “Not much in the aesthetics department, huh?” She mumbled to herself.

“Well, when you rely on donations, you do what you can,” A voice chided lightly. She would later tell Matt that she had been unfazed and chill, since that was less demeaning than how she had screamed and jumped back about a full foot from the counter. The man behind the counter tilted his head a bit, raising one orange brow at her. “Not sure why someone looking for a shelter pet would be so judgey about the facilities, though. I mean, unless you’re trying to imply we don’t take care of the animals, which I can assure you is an abhorrent lie.”

“Someone looking…? No, I’m not here to adopt a pet! I already have a dog at home!” She huffed lightly.

“Uh huh,” He trailed, reaching up to twirl the end of one moustache in thought, “then, why are you here?”

She opened her bag and produced the folder of papers she’d been given at her court date. “I’m part of some new program so I have to work here for a while,” She said while offering them over.

His eyes brightened in acknowledgement. “Ah, that’s right. Alfor mentioned this to me the other day. So you’re the infamous Miss Katherine Holt,” He mused, taking the paperwork and starting to do a little skim through the documents.

“I prefer to be called Katie. Or, actually, Pidge would be better. Just call me Pidge,” She said, leaning on the counter again. Seeming satisfied, the man grabbed a small clipboard off to the side and headed to the other end of the small office-like area behind the counter. He opened the small door and motioned her in.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to have you on board, Pidge! We’ve been needing a few extra sets of hands around here; not as many people wanting to volunteer as you might expect,” He mused, shutting the door quietly behind her. He then led her out yet another door that seemed to be level with the double-doors that she was sure led to where the animals were being held. “My name is Coran Hieronymus Wimbleton Smythe, but just Coran will do. I’m in charge of overseeing volunteers and assisting with filing all the proper adoption forms.” The room they entered was a mostly silent, but she could see various dogs already laying in their cages and there were a few that were awake and starting to test out how well their howls echoed off the brick walls.

She turned her attention away from the animals back to the older man with her. “You mentioned someone named Alfor… I feel like I recognize that name from somewhere. Is he involved with the police force in some way?”

He perked up and smiled. “Keen memory you have their. He used to be a police officer, but he’s a judge now. Normally answers to Judge Altea,”

“Ah, that’s how I know him. Dad says he’s one of the better judges on the bench,” She mumbled more to herself. Coran was her overseer and had some kind of involvement with a judge on the bench. Maybe if she kissed up enough, he’d sing her praises to Judge Altea and get her off this bum-rap sooner. “This place is in really great shape, considering you said it’s only donation-run?”

“He’s a good man, to say the least. Oh, and yes! You see, it’s all about knowing how to budget properly! Charities should always be putting as much of that money into the actual cause as they can, you see, and I take that very seriously in helping these animals,” Coran mused with a smile, leading her through the rows of kennels and towards a back room. He didn’t open the door right away and smiled at her. “Well, Pidge, your fellow volunteers are just past this door. We’ll get introductions out of the way and then we’ll determine who we’ll assign you to.”

“Wait, aren’t you in charge of my progress?” She gawked.

He shrugged. “Well, I’m afraid that might be a bit difficult. As I said before, I handle most of the behind-the-scenes things, so having me follow you around would cause an awful lot of problems. The other volunteers are the ones taking care of the animals, helping potential adoptees determine what they would like, and so on and so forth. Having one of them help you and report your progress makes significantly more sense, don’t you think?”

“I suppose so,” She said, trying to keep the irritation from her tone.

Coran smiled and nodded. “Splendid! Now, let’s get in there!” He mused, throwing the door open and indicating she enter first.

“Hunk, dude, you gotta break the tie!”

“What? Lance, please, I don’t wanna! I hate when you drag me into your arguments with Keith!”

“Yeah, Lance. The poor guy is getting tired of pretending you have a single reasonable point,”

“Oh! Oh, is that what you think? You wanna fight me, Mullet Boy?”

“Wouldn’t be much a fight. You’re like one of those blow-up toys for kids that they punch and they just wobble back up,”

“Okay, that does it!”

“Lance, come on!”

“Oh, honestly. Why do I put up with such unbecoming behavior?”

Pidge blinked a bit, glancing from the young man leaning against the counter beside a fridge with his arms crossed over his chest, the other young man trying to throw himself across a round table in the center of the room, the third young man trying to hold him back, and a young woman standing off to the side, a thermos of what she assumed was coffee in one hand and a look of existential crisis etched across her pretty face. “So I take it these are the animals I’m supposed to be looking after?” Pidge deadpanned, all attention swiveling towards her.

“Coran! You didn’t mention that we would have a new volunteer!” The young woman gasped before heading over. She offered Pidge her free hand with a smile. “It’s pleasure to meet you! My name is Allura!”

“Uh, hi, I’m Pidge,” She said uneasily, offering her hand to the other. She expected the other girl’s hands to be extrememly soft and silky, given the rest of her polished and proper appearance, but there was a firmness to her grip and skin that spoke of someone who understood what it meant to get her hands a little dirty. Pidge could respect that.

“She’s one of the first from the new juvenile rehabilitation program,” Coran explained patiently.

Allura nodded her head, seeming pleased with that explanation. “Well, we’re lucky to have to you here. We are always in need of people to help with taking care of the animals and finding good forever-homes for them,” She mused. She then looked back at the other three. “Isn’t that right, boys?”

The one that had been trying to climb over the table had moved to simply sitting in one of the four chairs at the table instead, watching her with narrowed blue eyes warily. “So you’ve been arrested then? What’d you get hit for?”

“Sold a man’s kidney on the black market and left him for dead in a bathtub full of ice,” She said flatly.

“W-What?” Squawked the other male at the table, his hands flexing above the tabletop like he wasn’t sure what to do with them. His eyes were wide as saucers, starting to water with tears. The mopey one leaning against the counter muffled his quiet snorts behind one fist and the guise of coughing.

Coran looked at the other blandly, not falling for the cat at all, before holding the clipboard he’d grabbed out toward him. “If you find her so entertaining, Keith, I’ll place you in charge of her,” He mused.

Keith tensed at that and scowled, shifting to blow a few strands of his black bangs out of his eyes. “Uh, no. Lance or Allura would be better at that,” He huffed.

“Well too bad it isn’t your decision, huh?” Coran asked with a bright smile. He waggled the clipboard again, making a small humming noise of summon, and Keith’s shoulders slumped. He walked over and swiped the clipboard away from the older man. “All you need to do is list what activities you teach her, how quickly she picks up on them, and how her demeanor is throughout her shift working with you. Also, obviously, your own personal and private thoughts about her should be included, to some extent, regarding her work ethic and whether she seems to be growing as a person.”

Both Pidge and Keith flashed him skeptical looks but neither spoke. He huffed and nodded, looking over at her. “How do you feel about walking dogs?” He asked. She plastered on a small smile to try and pretend the idea didn’t make her cringe; Matt typically walked Bae Bae since she wasn’t any good at reining him in when he started dragging. By the amused smirk he rewarded her with, her distain of the idea must have still been evident. “Great. I’ll give you a quick tour of everything while we go get the leads and leashes.”

The dread that Pidge had been feeling all morning grew further. So much for getting through this painlessly.

#Voltron legendary defender #Keidge #Kidge #Peith #Kidgemas #Pidge Gunderson #Keith Kogane #my fics

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kaz3313 · 5 years ago

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(I combined this with a coffee shop au + other ideas)

Gabriel had been waiting for "his" hot chocolate for literal ages. Well, not literal ages more like ten minutes, but still! It wasn't like this was a popular coffee shop, no Starbucks (Maybe they could get their drinks out faster), and there was scarcely any people.

Actually, looking around he might be the only one ordering a drink- And to top it all off it wasn't even his!

"Remind me again why I am buying hot chocolate for you and not your boyfriend?" Gabriel asked into his phone (what? Do you expect him just to stand thier doing nothing while they take thier sweet ass time? Ha- No).

"He's at work and you owe me one. I am hooking you up with someone and you'll even have your first date next week,"

"He isn't the only one working, Aziraphale, " Gabriel looked down at his watch; he was supposed to open the store twenty minutes ago.

"You're my boss- Do you expect me to tattle on you if you're late getting me a drink? And I told you I'd open the store just fine,"

"Maybe; why do you order coco at a coffee shop again? Don't we have packets in the break room "

"Because I like their coco," Aziraphale replied "And the packets you buy suck,"

"Sometimes I wonder why I don't just, I don't know, fire you?"

"If you wanted to fire me, Gabriel, then I'm sure you wouldn't go out of your way to a little shop to get me a drink," He'd been threatened many times to be fired. One of such when he wasn't even working for him- safe to say it wouldn't happen any time soon.

"You never know, I can change my mind. They're taking long enough I might just say 'fuck it, I'm going to Starbucks' and take my leave. All of these people are terrible workers- and I only actually see one of them right now,"

"We are not paying money to that corporation! Both Anathema and Crowley have told me good things about the shop, anyhow,"

"We're a corporation, Aziraphale,"

"We are workers just trying to get by; we're not the CEO,"

"Like- I'm pretty high up there,"

"You're the boss of our store, not the multi millionaire who sits on his butt all day,"

"I'm pretty sure our boss' boss' boss is a she," This got a huff from Aziraphale.

"Well, I have to go make sure no one else notices your disappearance. See you when you get my coco!" With that he hung up.

Gabriel wanted to say 'No one cares if I'm gone for a bit' but that'd be a lie. It's more 'They're really annoyed I'm late and Michael will give me the shitty tasks but not actually write me up'. It was a good thing no one got written up because then they'd have to put help wanted signs asking for fifteen new employees (thier was sixteen of them at the moment).

"Yknow I heard what you said, prick," Gabriel turns to see the barista with greasy hair, black nails, and a ' I-hate-my-life-and-yours' expression. He'd feel pitiful in some situations (others would argue he would not- which is untrue! He showed pity towards tons of overworked people. Mostly himself but that's just because he knows how overworked he constantly is) but this was not one of them.

"Well maybe if you weren't eavesdropping then you could focus more on my drink,"

"I've been on drive through the entire time," The barista shoots back "and I can't help to listen with you yelling across the room,"

" You can't have anyone manage the floor while you take orders from drive through? Unlikely,"

"Do you see anyone else here! Do you, asshat?!"

"Well that's a management problem. If no one showed up-"

"He died,"

That caught him off guard.

"Wha-"

"One of our employees died. Yesterday, suddenly freak accident. The other guy scheduled had a breakdown while we were opening. Apparently he saw him die- gave him the week off. So yeah, just fucking me, doing literally everything," The barista shoved a cup in his face "So take your hot drink you 'Oh, so patiently waited for' and go straight to hell,".

Gabriel decided he was never going to go to that coffee shop again; if Aziraphale wanted something he was going to have to get it himself.

--------------------------------------------------

"No fucking way, dickwad,"

Gabriel sucked in a sharp breath. He knew that voice from anywhere- damn coffee shop. Of course Aziraphale's boyfriend's friend just had to be who he angered the previous week. 'They'll be perfect for you,' Aziraphale had said and Gabriel immediately throws out any hope that this could be a potential partner. They didn't even dress that nice to the restaurant?

"Barista,"

"I assume your the Gabriel my friend has been talking about? Pathetic,"

"And I assume your Beelzebub; what a delight,"

Neither were happy with their blind date; it took two weeks of convincing from thier friends to give each other another chance.

Blind Date AU where they meet during the week / day before the date and make awful impressions for various reasons so when they show up to the date they're like "Oh. Oh no."

For some reason this is giving me large Ineffable Bureaucracy vibes because I cannot imagine Ineffable Husbands making a bad impression to one another. In any case though, the comedy potential here is hilarious.

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alwaysthesidecharacter · 8 years ago

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Hey there! Feeling generous with giving a snippet for the next chapter? 🙏🏽

Um, alright, I've never given a sneak peak before, so I'll do my best.Chapter 32:"'I seriously can't believe Hannah's computer keeps restarting every five seconds' Christen frustratedly huffs as she flings herself across her bed, dejectedly burying her face into her pillow. Tobin follows Christen into her room and chuckles at the sight the girl's childish display of discontent.'Oh come on, I'm sure you're over-exaggerating. And besides, this is Hannah we're talking about. She's probably just using her computer as a excuse for not updating her fic' Tobin comments as she takes a seat at Christen's desk and starts playing around with the color-sorted paperclips in her desk organizer. Christen groans and rolls over on her side.'I was with her earlier today and saw it delete half of her Comm essay in two seconds flat' Christen knowingly points out, trying to convey the impossibility of her dear friend Hannah's rather unfortunate, and not to mention annoying situation.'Wow' Tobin sighs as she strings a few paperclips together to form a makeshift, multi-colored chain, 'What an asshole move.''Who's being an asshole?' Kelley's voice curiously chimes from the hallway. A few seconds later and the squirrelly young defender enters the room, Ash and Sarah casually following her in as well.'Hannah's laptop' Christen informs sluggishly from her bed.'Apparently it insists on preventing her from getting any form of writting done' Tobin adds, still meticulously adding paperclip after paperclip to her growing creation.'Hasn't she ever heard of saving?' Ashlyn asks, not really buying into Hannah's excuse for not writing a single word of her update yet.'I'm surprised you know what saving is after that scrimmage yesterday' Kelley teases from her leisurely position on her bed.'I told you, there was a tear in my contact lens, I couldn't see very well' Ashlyn protests, crossing her arms defensively over her chest.'Sure, whatever you say' Kelley faux-concedes, leaning back against her pillow and tucking her hands beneath her head. It totally wasn't because you were too distracted making heart eyes at a certain right back or anything like that.''Are you comfortable over there, O'Hara? Because I can flip that mattress for you if you want' Ashlyn threateningly offers.'Yeah I'm good' Kelley airily returns with a wicked smirk growing on her face, 'I appreciate the offer, though. I'm sure you're a pro considering that you've 'flipped' a number of girls' mattresses before.' A menacing scowl takes over Ashlyn's face as she wordlessly strides over to Kelley's bed and starts pulling the mattress up, causing Kelley to tumble to the floor. Kling appears in the doorway after hearing all the ruckas take place.'What the hell is going on in here?' she asks as she takes in the sight of Kelley rubbing her arm, and Ashlyn smiling smugly with the overturned mattress still in her grip. Kling chuckles. 'This is too great, O'Hara literally just got flipped off! Too bad Hannah isn't here to write about this.''You know what, I'm glad Hannah's been on hiatus. She's always causing trouble with us. Like that prank that she orchestrated for me last chapter was so uncalled for' Sarah declares, breaking her silence and letting her bitterness be known.'Someone's a 'Sour Apple'' Kling side-comments from Sarah's left.'You better watch yourself, Kling. I know the superglue was your idea' Sarah quips, all business today.'Troublemaker or not, I still miss her updates. It's like I don't even know what to do with myself without them' Christen laments with a heavy sigh.'I know what you mean, Pressy. It just kind of feels like we're stuck in time when she's not writing for us' Kelley agrees, placing a supportive hand on her roommates knee.Finally Tobin, who's been sitting happily aside in her own little world, walks over to Christen and hands her the rainbow chain of paperclips she's just constructed. Christen looks from the chain to Tobin's face in confusion.'What's this?' she asks as she sits up to further inspect the midfielder's work.'Just a chain of paperclips' Tobin's explains with a shrug. 'I figured since we have nothing else to do with our time until Hannah's computer stops acting up, we may as well do some arts and crafts while we wait.' Christen inspects the chain one more time before taking an end. Tobin smiles and takes a seat next to her on the bed. Kling goes to Christen's desk and dumps the remainder of the various-colored paperclips on the floor. One-by-one each of the girls grab a handful and start making chains of their own.They spend the remainder of the evening crafting and sharing a few laughs. They slowly realize that even despite Hannah's writings' absence, they can still have a good time and make Pinterest-worthy art....As long as it doesn't involve superglue."Annnnnnnd SCENE.

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oogleboogleoogle · 7 years ago

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Oh man I have so many stories from my faux-retail job:

- Our lobby closes at 4 PM. Our lobby has ALWAYS closed at 4 PM. This is not something that we changed any time recently. We still have long-time members come in at 3:59 and joke about making it last-minute. Then, of course, MORE members will come in because so-and-so was in there, too, so they figured they’d come in and get their stuff done instead of going through the open drive-up. People will walk up to the already locked door after 4:00 and yank on it and then stand there looking offended and confused until they see the sign that has literally always been out there stating that the lobby closes at 4:00, then get back in their car and screech around to the drive-up window and act like we purposely locked the doors just to ruin their day. There have been many new and non-members that do it too. Particularly bad were a couple who had already been told that the lobby closed at 4:00 and if they wanted to return with paperwork for the loan they were trying to get then they needed to come in before then; who then came at 4:18 PM and tried to open the door and then stood there BANGING on the glass window and gesturing at us, then barged in through the door when I unlocked it to try to tell them to go around to the window. They were all “we know you’re locked up but we wanted to get this done today!!!!!” All they did was hand me some paperwork for me to copy and then leave. I was furious. (They were also vague about what the loan was for and it turned out they were getting an expensive puppy from a notoriously awful pet store that gets their dogs from puppy mills. I wanted to die.)

- Phones are becoming such a problem. My coworker put up signs with just a cell phone crossed out and I told her at the time that they were too vague and people would ignore them but she didn’t think so. She was wrong. I had a lady literally hold her finger up and hush me when I greeted her as she drove up to the window with her phone to her ear. I wanted to climb through the bulletproof glass, rip the phone from her hand, and smash it in the driveway. People will answer their phones in the middle of a transaction and ignore me when I ask important questions (do you want that in checking or savings, is this for a loan payment, how would you like that applied, this check hasn’t been endorsed properly, how would you like your cash back, etc) then after I’ve had to complete the transaction without their direction they say they didn’t want it done that way. Well, gee, Sharon, maybe if you’d GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE, we could have done it right the first time.

- That one lady that let her grandson take one of the toys because he screamed when she told him to put it back, claimed she’d bring it back later when she could get it away from him, then never did.

- People who hand me cash or checks and tell me what they want to do with it and then just stand there and stare. There’s a deposit slip right in front of you. Use it. It’s there for both you and me - if I do something wrong, there is a record. If YOU do something wrong, there is a record. You’re literally setting yourself up if you don’t use it. (Not that people can figure out how to write them out properly anyway - it’s apparently rocket science to fill out a deposit slip that basically lays it out for you.)

- When my coworker and I are both standing at the counter and one of us is clearly busy, people still go to the busy one. I’ll be standing there staring at them and greeting them and they’ll still go over to her, even though she usually has loan paperwork spread across her station and is very clearly doing something. She just awkwardly tells them to go to me and I internally facepalm. Oddly, the opposite happens when I’m on break. I sit in a corner behind a little wall but I can still see the teller area fairly well and people will walk in, see my coworker at her station, and still go to my empty station and start filling out their deposit slips. Sometimes they’ll move over to her, but most of the time she ends up going and grabbing their stuff, doing the transaction on her computer, and then going back to my station to give them their receipt. Like ??? okay. People.

- One time a couple were both at my station making transactions and the guy just turns around, watches a person make a turn out on the street through the window, points and angrily follows the car’s movements while saying very loudly, “THAT WAS AN ILLEGAL U-TURN, I SAW THAT. I SAW YOU, MISTER.” What’s worse is that it wasn’t and people turn there 100 times a day, it’s just an awkward turn... But totally legal. It was weird.

- Personal hygiene, folks. Please. Sometimes we have to open all three windows in the lobby regardless of the weather outside because some folks smell like they just bathed in a lake of B.O. and cigarette smoke and leave a lingering haze after they’re gone.

- The people who come in and jokingly say, “give me all of your money!” Har dee har har har, I haven’t heard that one 12164165 times in the 8-1/2 months I’ve been here... Add to it the people who say, “you’re going to give me $10,000 for free, right?! Ha! Ha!”

- The people who call to have us transfer money or make a VISA payment for them but rattle it off so fast that I have literally no idea what words just came out of their mouth. Not to mention the assumption that we’re just standing next to the phone with a pen and paper in hand waiting anxiously for them to call and aren’t trying to multi-task because they totally didn’t just call while we were in the middle of something else equally as important as the transfer they could have done online. (Also in that vein, the people who call to ask what their account balance is when we have a home banking website. Or who ask if we can send them a copy of their statement (like once a fucking week) for free “because I don’t want to print it off of my email!” So we started charging $5 a page to get them to stop. They still don’t.)

- “There’s a transaction pending in my account that I don’t want to go through, can you block it?” “Sorry, it’s already pending so we can’t.” “But this company is STEALING my MONEY. I need it blocked!” “The transaction is already in the process, there is literally no way we can stop it now. Have you perhaps tried talking to the company at any point to get them to stop these recurring payments?” “No, I signed up for their service and don’t want to pay for it anymore. I just want you to block it. I don’t want to talk to them anymore.” *facepalm* “You need to talk to them and cancel their service because it’ll be a $35.00 stop payment fee from us and there’s still no guarantee that we can stop the payment every time.” “Okay, I guess I’ll call them...” Repeat every month ad infinitum.

- Also: “There’s a charge in my account that I don’t know what it is!!! Can you tell me!!! Can you return it?!?! I didn’t authorize this!!!” “Okay it came from [insert company name/check number/etc here], that’s all I can tell you. You might try calling the company and telling them what happened and see if they can reverse it. We can’t reverse the charge because we didn’t initiate it.” “Okay I’ll call them right now!!!” *Five minutes later they call back* “Hey about that charge... I forgot I made a payment/bought that item last week and it just went through yesterday... ha ha.” EVERY TIME. E V E R Y TIME.

- People who get weird about policies that have been in place since forever. No, Sharon, I can’t waive the 5-day hold on your $10,000 suspiciously ambiguous “insurance” check and let you walk off with the money scot-free. You want to talk to the boss? Sure, I will have the CEO come out and personally tell you the exact same thing I just told you. She loves taking time out of her CEO duties to tell you we can’t bend federal policy just because you think you deserve special treatment because you want to buy a car with the money tonight. Go to Wal-mart and pay their 3% fee or accept the hold like everybody else.

- One time I had a lady get shaking-mad over a $5 cashier check fee when she wanted to take a fairly small (for us) amount of money out as a check instead of cash. She threw a fit and acted like I was holding a gun to her head and forcing her to take cash because she wasn’t about to pay a standard fee that every financial institution charges. She then called two months later to raise another fit about it and threaten to take her savings elsewhere. She had over $40,000 in her savings and we know she has other savings accounts with other banks on top of it. But that $5 charge to cover the cost of the cashier check made her see red. When I told my boss, she was like, “good, let her leave. Members like that don’t bring in any money for us so I’d even cut the check myself!” (We’re not profit driven but fees and loans keep us open - a simple savings account actually costs us money. Keep this in mind when your credit union charges you for services that take time and resources to complete.)

I could probably write a novel on the weird and obnoxious experiences I’ve had in the short amount of time I’ve spent working in a credit union, which is basically a glorified retail job, but it’s 2:38 AM and I should stop.

#retail #glorified retail #long post

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largentkzpreslerfh87insuran-blog · 5 years ago

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110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews

Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.

Best jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne

(Photo: Pexels.com)

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis

Stewart Francis is a master of the one-liner

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

115 of the best bad jokes

105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?” – Eric Lampaert

Classic one-liners

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

(Photo: Pexels)

I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

51 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding

48 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes

I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

(Photo: Flickr)

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Cringe-worthy (but amusing) puns

105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

And some jokes for the kids

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

More jokes:

Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You 38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes and quotes 34 of the best Valentine’s Day jokes and funniest one-liners 30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember 100 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive season one-liners 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes 30 of the best jokes about Theresa May 25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes 38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids 35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny) 26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes 16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes 34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes 30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes 26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes 21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners 45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes 41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians 30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes 100 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke 31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding 100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds 105 of the best bad jokes 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan 100 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And some hilarious quotes:

29 best Gavin and Stacey quotes and funniest jokes from James Corden and Ruth Jones’ comedy 38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable 31 Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments that prove he truly is Alan Partridge Valentine’s poems: 32 most romantic quotes from history’s greatest poets 38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes 41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death 30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82 23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes) 35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quips and insults 29 of the most outlandishly funny Mighty Boosh quotes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes

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