#apparently I felt very strongly about this lmao

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

For the ship game: Leopika and Hisoillu! I don't know your ship taste well so I'm just hitting a couple other big HxH ships hrjfjkjkdlgdfk hope you don't mind

Oh, I don't mind at all, Percy! :)

Hisoillu is... I mean... they are kind of sort of engaged (?) so. Yeah, it makes sense. Also, I can think of no one else in the universe who should be subjected to close proximity with these two on a regular basis hdfhbsdhj. Congrats, you're perfect for each other, just never involve anyone else in what you've got going on ever. Truthfully, I'm kind of indifferent towards it as a ship. It makes sense to me, but it's not something I actively seek out in fanworks I suppose. It's just, yeah, Hisoka and Illumi are together. Happy for them lol. I guess it's mostly because I think murder is their love language and I just... can't see them being romantic with each other in a lot of the more typical ways that characterize many fanworks. Do they want to kill each other, or are they into each other? The answer is both - the murder is an intrinsic aspect of the "being into each other" hdjfbvhd. That said, I think they have a pretty healthy respect for each other, due to probably being evenly matched, I'd say. I think Hisoka genuinely finds Illumi good company, and Illumi readily has fairly casual conversations with Hisoka. Their dynamic is kind of fascinating actually, and I do honestly think they're kind of perfect for each other. Diversity win??? Loss??? I'm honestly not sure lmao

Leopika :') I love the potential for them. Sadly, they don't have all that many interactions in the canon manga, so I would ordinarily say it doesn't make a huge amount of sense, but then we have the 99 anime and the radio skits who seem determined to ship them so hfbgjdhj I have no clue. I'm weird about this ship because I tend to alternate between "yeah they're cute" and "oh god. oh god. them. AAARGGHHH" and experiencing emotional damage hahaha. I am like this with no other ship. It's very strange to me.

The one thing is that I'm extremely picky with Kurapika characterization, in any art or story. If Kurapika doesn't read right to me, I just can't suspend my disbelief. I'm really not big on the "mom and dad" characterization, though no shade to anyone who is.

Peak Leopika dynamic to me takes into account not just Leorio's concern and Kurapika's walls, but also their mutual stubbornness and Kurapika's hilarious tendency to annoy Leorio on purpose. To me, I've always felt that he likes Leorio because he's a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and values individual lives so strongly, so he kind of checks that he hasn't changed that much when they see each other. I think it's kind of relieving for Kurapika, in a way, to know that Leorio will always be himself - "same old Leorio" kind of deal.

I also think Kurapika is just a little shit hjgbvsjdh

But no, I love that Leorio clearly eases up some of the pressure Kurapika feels, and seems to make him feel better about things- that's probably half the reason he keeps him at arms length. I think affectionate bickering is their love language. I also wish people noticed a little more that it's Kurapika who actually seriously initiated friendship between them, not Leorio. In most cases in the Hunter Exam, it was Kurapika approaching Leorio and showing a clear interest in sticking with him and helping him pass and achieve his dream. I think it's incredibly meaningful that one of the first people Kurapika meets and takes a liking to is this guy who wants to become a doctor - the doctor that Kurapika had left in the first place to go looking for. Anyways, I'm really looking forward to see what role Leorio will play in the current arc (just to have more Leorio, honestly, pls Togashi I miss him...), as I'm sure he will eventually find out about Emperor Time and OH BOY I'm sure that will go over well.

Erm. Sorry for rambling. I had a lot to say apparently...

[aprincessofthevoid]

The filling that fell out almost a year ago has finally come back to haunt me... could hardly sleep last night cus my face hurt so bad. TWO naproxen didn't even touch the pain. (Tho that's nothing new tbh). Don't want a long aas post clogging up anyone's dash, so rest is under the cut.

Also didn't proof read this super well cus now that I'm not as sore I'm getting sleepy cus I didn't sleep much last night so if it's a Lil choppy I apologize lol.

Over the years, I noticed pain meds never really worked, so I didn't bother with them. The option was to take the max dose, or potentially more to get relief, but doing that consistently was just not something i was down for. But at the dentist for the filling that fell out more recently, dude dipped into multuple syringes of the lidocaine, and had to numb the nerve in the hinge of my jaw for me to not feel him digging around in my face.

Found the same when I had an iud inserted, took meds before as instructed, even brought a joint lmao. As well as going for the discomfort of that giant ass 10g needle stabbed into my cervix, and it did NOTHING... I've got a fairly high pain tolerance, but I stg I had a better time when I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed at once... and those were ALL infected, two were impacted, and when treating said infection, I had a freak reaction to the amoxicillin for the first time in my life... go me...

ANYWAY, shit I tried off Google and how it worked...

Sensitivity toothpaste rubbed into my gums/teeth helped a very short time. Sent the bf for orajel the next morning n honestly it worked about as well as the toothpaste, just for longer.

Also strongly mint?? Like specifically just peppermint antacid in my mouth helped rhe ache?? Apparently it's a thing lol. Honestly was just looking for a distraction from the ache n felt like the minty feeling might help.

Salt water rinse helped a little too. Did a rinse but a VERY gentle swish, better to puff out your cheeks and roll your head back n forth. Kinda burns but it will help kill any infection as long as it's minor.

Had some tea earlier on with sage, lemon balm, clove and rosemary. As all of them have geberal anti inflammatory or anti bacterial properties. Weirdly another tip I found was just a damp black tea bag placed against the affected area, actually felt FANTASTIC but the downside was it made my spit SUPER bitter if I swallowed it, so my option was wanting to gag at how gross it was, or be in pain... and obviously couldn't sleep with it in there cus that would be dangerous. Might try just drinking some black tea or brewing the black tea with the other herbs for some extra kick, no honey sadly but I'll have to deal with the bitterness.

Acetaminophen worked a lot better than the naproxen here. Was told by a Dr for a different pain I was in, that I COULD take them together tho (as in one of each), but since the naproxen didn't seem to do fuck all I'm gonna just do 2x extra strength Acetaminophen. Which also isn't ideal long term, but I CANNOT sleep with the pain I'm in so for a temporary situation I'm just gonna have to drink extra water or sum...

Other option is the T3 I had leftover after my tooth removal, had some ibuprofen too but left those when I moved away from fam. I'd rather take an extra Tylenol than the codeine tbh. Just feels a Lil less harsh on the system.

Fingers crossed the boyfriends work insurance goes thru so I can get this delt with... otherwise I might have to just have to be in pain to give my organs a break from all the drugs 🙃 gonna try my netti pot to hopefully clear any gunk out my sinuses as the ear on that side is a Lil plugged too (tip. Take a deep breath, close mouth, plug nose, and swallow. Works WAY better than plugging your nose and blowing).

[morgana-ren]

We have a kitty who is rather skittish and doesn’t like it when people get too close. Lo and behold she will be resting in between your legs or snuggled next to you when you’re asleep and then and ONLY then are you given permission to pet her.

The one time she sat next to me, purred and butted her head into my arm was when I was recovering from my hysterectomy. I almost cried because she had always ran away from me before.

Cats are like, such a mystery. They probably know about aliens, ghosts, see in three other dimensions and we’ll never know. All we know and what they only want us to know is that they love us and we care about them very deeply.

Sorry. That Astarion post made me go off. I love our pets very much.

OH THE CATS NAME IS MRS. FURIOUS.

Because she constantly looks like this

>:{

Mrs. Furious sounds adorable. I love her. Sometimes kitties are skittish but they can be so full of love. I know cats can feel when humans are in pain and will purr to try to heal them. They are love incarnate with little furry bodies.

They can be deeply private and secretive, but they're also loving little dudes, especially to those who treat them kindly and respect them.

I've always had an affinity for cats. They're special to me somehow. I kept getting in trouble because I would just bring strays home all the time, and we ended up with a bunch of cats because of it. They're close to my heart in a way I can't quite describe. I've just always felt strongly about them.

When I was like 4, we had an older senior cat named Poco that more or less came with our home (the old owners tried to take him, but it was apparent they were abusing him because he did not want to go with) and I would sit outside with treats for hours to try to make him comfortable enough to come back inside. Eventually, he turned into my companion cat for years and always slept on me, purring away.

No matter how old I was, we always had a kitty in the house (usually because I'd pet them until they'd follow me home and I'd sneakily let them in.) Sometimes I think I loved my cats more than I loved my husband lmao

[biilssst]

I’m back because something funny happened with lmao Orchard

hey I’m back your favorite professional shit talker. And something amazing happened with our good old friend Lily Orchard so for a while I felt I had nothing really to say Lily rebooted her channel and it didn’t make me interested enough to even talk about it There was the dungeon anime that was a thing it was pretty funny watching the people response but even I could’ve told you that video sucked and I didn’t even watch that anime. That being said, apparently Lily decided the most pettiest way to get back at her trolls is through copyright Because yes, that totally got rid of all the trolls try to copyright them all off the website this totally won’t embolden her trolls to keep going a person name sai she a shit talker like me who just likes to make fun of Lily well because lily really funny to make fun of

Sai decided to mix things up by looking at a couple Lily‘s old deleted videos because there’s a very funny source(I strongly recommend looking up on Lily‘s thoughts on incest back in the day. They were pretty funny, but I’m 95% certain she does not stand by them.) of just laughing at. On a personal note if this was where it end I could possibly see Lily side of the argument that these are videos that no longer stands by and if she feels that they’re being used against her. I know that this is very devils advocate, but I’m also going to be very honest. She kind of did this for more petty reasons. Hope this all works out in the end for sai I like theirs streams it would be missed especially by me if they go away

Anyway, let’s go and talk about Lily’s response which is also pretty funny

So let’s go over this response. it’s nice to know that she still cares about the professional writers that was like three years ago so who cares? She still cares about Poppy, so who cares and ants even though he does the exact same thing and she’s like man I should go after him too.

She goes after the idea that sai just plays the video for like five minutes straight and then makes a point that she doesn’t really agree with my answers to that would be well then Lily how about make your point faster than five minutes maybe that will help with people just sitting there for five minutes staring at the screen wondering if you’re gonna make a point anyway that’s all I have for the response, but my biggest question is out of all of this why Sai in particular like why not any of the videos where they’re shitting on lily’s Video about her responding to her sister and them saying “man Lily is wrong for that” they also play their videos on for like five minutes some of which goes on for 10 minutes but why Sai maybe it was because they were pushed their luck and kept on uploading video after video, it makes you wonder “hey! wait, didn’t you already said that the reason is something completely different than what Lily said from her post” said by random random person on the Internet that I did Internet that I did still makes you wonder

anyway later will be working up a response to a really long Final Fantasy 7 rebirth video. Hopefully, I’ll actually do it if I’m motivated enough.

[sentientgopro]

Tomorrow marks one month since I cracked. 2 things have become very apparent over this time.

1: This is gonna be a long and hard year and a half before I can transition. The month has already felt wild, the disconnect between the change in mental state and actual, y'know, change, has been really jarring and will only get more so the more time passes with nothing changing.

2: Just how much I was wrong about at first and how much stuff there was under the surface. Sentences like "I don't feel dysphoria" and "I can easily be a guy for a while" spring to mind. lol. lmao even. It was only like a week and a half ago I was saying the name I think I like means nothing to me and is just a nice name and that itd probably stay that way until late into transition. But nope, I'm already kinda starting to feel that name. Atleast like 2 and a half years before I can actually start using it. Great.

For all the negatives, there's one thing that has persisted since day 3 and that is the permanent mood improvement. Not being able to transition till I can move out sucks, but it gives me something to look forward to, which it turns out I was in dire need of, with my only real reasons to live being reasons not to end it yet, as opposed to reasons why I should live. But I see it now. A happy future is very much within my grasp and I WILL make it happen. Being in a better mood has made it easier to get stuff done on a day to day basis, and getting stuff done makes me feel even better. I've been on an upward spiral that's doing pretty good at counteracting the downward spiral of increasing dysphoria.

That's more of a recap, and now that the dust has settled a bit for now and I haven't bren having as many big realisations about it, I've started thinking, "why now?" Its not like I didn't know about trans people. I've been involved in trans spaces for years, I've been having these kind of feelings for years too. What actually was it that truly set it off? Like, the true moment of understanding was my first scroll through r/egg_irl but what was it that compelled me to do that?

Idea one was my first real feeling of euphoria. I kinda knew what it was at the time, I just ignored it. A month or two prior to cracking, my hair was at the longest it had ever been (which is not long at all.) It was the first time that the bits of hair infront of my ears (normally just a short spike shape as part of my fade) was long enough to dangle on its own as opposed to being fully stuck to my head. Something about having dangling hair like that felt good. I knew why, I just ignored it. I wonder if that specific feeling had been a bit of an early kickstart into this realisation? Either way, I was told to get a haircut shortly after (theres a reason my hair never gets very long) so I didn't dwell on it.

The only other factor I can really think of that was different just before cracking was watching Gen V? In short, Gen V features a character who can switch between masc and fem in an instant. In my interpretation of the show, this doesn't inherently make them genderfluid, but the power serves as an exaggeration for presenting (so them being masc is comparable to boymoding.) When looked at from that perspective, their writing strongly reflects that of a trans character and it kinda hit a certain spot for me. But honestly, I really don't think that was the actual catalyst.

The only real conclusion I can draw from this is that there was no actual catalyst. For a fair few days before fully cracking, I felt something was off, and I knew exactly what it was and what was about to happen, even if I didn't admit it to myself. So I think my cracking must have been a very gradual thing with no real catalyst.

There was more I had to say here, but its a fairly different topic and got really long, Ill save it for its own post. This has perhaps been one of the wildest months of my life, and also one of the most normal. As much as I hate that nothing has really changed, the better understanding of myself Ive gotten has been massively benefical. Besides, knowing is half the battle and I'm pretty much there already.

[microsuedemouse]

things that happened at work tonight

I had to do an employee satisfaction survey and I was as mean as it’s possible to be in a survey where nearly all the questions are statements where all you can do is choose from strongly agree/agree/neutral/disagree/strongly disagree. you may not have given me space to air my actual grievances, but I sure will make my level of frustration known

I called a mischievous little girl, no older than four at the most, a monkey, after she reached up and tapped the help button on the machine (which calls me over) while her dad wasn’t looking. with an enormous grin on her face, she spent the next several minutes softly repeating “I’m a monkey… a MONKEY” to herself while she waited for her dad to finish checking out.

our loss prevention manager had to kick a lady out of the store after someone saw her pick up a packaged meal at the deli, open it and eat several bites, and then put it back. the lady apparently made a huge fuss and security had to be called? I don’t think we have an actual security guard so I don’t know who that would be. a mystery

I watched a guide dog in training simply Give Up. his trainers were taking a few minutes at the self-checkout machine and he just collapsed on his side on the floor and gave them Sad Eyes when they started giggling at him. to his credit, he got up and was very well-behaved as soon as they gave him an actual command! but clearly he was pretty tired lol.

I listened to a couple of college-aged, musclehead-lookin’ dudes still in their workout clothes (we have a 24hr gym next door) snipe at each other while they checked out - one complaining to the other “why didn’t you put this in a produce bag, I don’t wanna put my zucchini right on the scale, it’s gross. dude you’re gross” and the other answering “bro we’re gonna wash it before we eat it, relax. dude look at you, you can’t even SPELL zucchini” which was fun. also they were lamenting the prices and cursing G*len W*ston’s name and griping “yeah right it’s ‘inflation,’ come on, we’ve all heard about the profit margins…” also also, they started grilling me about the lady who got kicked out in bullet point three, because they came into the store just in time to hear her being yelled at and desperately wanted to know all the juicy details lmao. unfortunately I knew very few details myself at that time

the LP manager went rocketing past me at one point and I looked up to see her chasing a couple of kids out the door and into the parking lot. ten minutes later, I was approached by a kid maybe 12 or 13 years old, red-faced and damp-eyed and evidently uncomfortable, with an armful of deli items. “my friends just stole these,” he explained to me. “a blonde lady chased them out?” I called the aforementioned LP manager and she hurried out to see him. he was quick to tell her - ��it wasn’t me, it was my friends, but I got really really mad at them, and I wanted to bring this stuff back…” she thanked him very much for doing so, and as soon as he was out of sight we both melted.

and honestly, I don’t give a shit about people shoplifting, in the broad sense. obviously it’s a pain to me as an employee, but beyond any effect on me personally… the company can more than afford it. (although I’m not super impressed with kids doing it just for shits. it’s one thing if you’re broke; it’s kind of another if you’re 13 and just trying to be cool.) but we spent the rest of the night talking amongst ourselves about how impressed we all were with this kid for (at his age!) having the courage not only to take a stand against his friends when he felt that what they were doing was wrong, but also to take the stuff they’d stolen back and bring it back to the store in spite of the genuine possibility that he could then get in trouble himself.

like, having spoken to him, I could tell he was RATTLED. with the context it was pretty clear to me that he’d just given his buddies a good lashing. and tbh, huge props to him for that. being able to tell your friends off for being assholes is tough at any age; at 12-13 it’s fucking herculean. so. I’ll be thinking about him for a bit.

oh oh also. one of my recent favourite customers got really excited and offered me a fist bump when I remembered her name. (she’s insanely sweet and always remembers MY name so I made a point of it! but it was really cute how happy she was about it)

[nicoleanell]

final part of commentary stuff:

No comment on the centipede-snorting because they're busy talking about Teddy's tattoos. There were a lot of details in the tattoo design and references to New Orleans.

A real ass actor had to lay in a fancy coffin as Teddy Lobo's dad, Bellafrancesca's husband, for like five days straight and they never had a shot of it in focus lmao. Also they point out how funny it is that they can bring people back to life with Dracula blood but nobody bothered using it on him.

Because the Lobo gang all have familiar powers now, the sound effect for punches had to sound different from normal punches.

Rebecca's PARTNER was the originally in the climax pushing out Kate's body. Because they cut him out of the scene "he never has his comeuppance, he's just somewhere out there in the world, having gotten away with it." Producer Samantha adds: "Motorboating his wife."

Not gonna recap the discussion of Teddy's internal-punch death, just that some very weird convos needed to be had about exactly how gross it was gonna be.

Renfield with his "Wolverine-style fang hands" after he pulls Dracula's teeth out, heh.

Fully cutting back to Mark and the CODA group when Renfield has his inner power moment was a late addition, I think it was even the writer saying he didn't know about that until watching it now. Came from director Chris McKay feeling very strongly about it. (cough Some people use subtext and they're all cowards . gif but whatever I love it too.)

LMAO Cocaine Bear shout-out. "Now I thought this movie was going to be THE cocaine movie of Universal's release schedule… and somehow… we got upstaged."

The Protection Circle involved a ring of LED lights and they painted out the wires. They added the flames and stuff with CGI but the light source was actually there (pretty) and worked better in that scene than in the opening.

Again shouting out @pinkiepiebones because they praise the song choice over the Murder Besties moment although none of them know what it is. It's not Willie Nelson but sounds like it.

CAGE CAME UP WITH HAIL SATAN AND PUT IT IN AN EMAIL lmao. (And you know, that whole line which was an absolutely baller set of final words.) I knew this already but it's still funny. When he saw it apparently he was like "I can't believe they let me keep Hail Satan."

They don't bring up the dance sequence until very late in the commentary when someone accidentallly mentions dancing and there's like an "oh mannn" moment all around. Hot producer take: watching the whole movie back, "emotionally it didn't track in a way that felt holistic to the film." (And is also maybe treading the same ground as the makeover scene?) Even though the sequence is great on its own, and Hoult is a good dancer, he's good at everything, etc.

During the very last group scene: "We had a dance scene here too that we tried." (WHAT?) And something showing Rebecca's partner and fuck-you-Kyle in jail.

Final thoughts: "EVERYONE DID A GREAT JOB." Lol these people are so Me.

This got mentioned here and there during the commentary but a lot of the stuff over the credits are bits that got cut from the movie - the dance sequence, the too-violent Bob death, a guy's hand coming off in the SWAT team fight - and other things like the different shots of Dracula are from screen/camera tests. In the one shot where he's, like, creepily lurching toward the camera, you can see Renfield crawling around in the background like a puppy and now I've seen that you have to also.

There was a cut bit of Robert/Rebecca dialogue at the end (or it might be what they're discussing that we can't hear) where she's amped to find more monsters to fight (Frankenstein etc.) and Renfield is like… unaware of any of those existing or being real. Which was basically a funny subversion like no, we are NOT doing sequel bait, we are not part of a Dark Cinematic Universe in the slightest.

"BUT GUYS, IF YOU DO WANT A SEQUEL TO RENFIELD, START EMAILING THIS GUY PETER KRAMER AND LET HIM KNOW."

FYI not two minutes into the "Renfield" DVD commentary someone asked what inspired the codependent support group stuff and the screenwriter dead responded "Living it. Life." I love this silly movie to the ends of the earth y'all.

[vvitchering]

Did anyone ask me to write a whole essay about how Din’s creed and armor read as a metaphor for asexuality to me? No. Am I going to write an essay about that exact thing right now because I do this literally every time I find a new character I really like? Absolutely. 

(Disclaimer: I’m writing this based on my own feelings and experiences with being ace. Asexuality exists on a spectrum and not everyone experiences it the same way. I’ve chosen to interpret the character through the lens of my own asexuality. I in no way speak for all ace people, I’m just one nerd with a dusty English degree, a keyboard, and a hyperfixation)

So I started out just wanting to word vomit some character study stuff about Din because I want to eventually write fanfiction and I never feel comfortable just jumping in until I’ve thought long and hard about how I feel about and understand the characters involved. And then I got to thinking about how relationships are explored in The Mandalorian and something stuck out to me. The show never forces or even bothers to introduce romantic bonds as necessary to their main character’s development. Rather it chooses to focus on Din’s familial relationship with Grogu as the bond that saves Din from his loneliness and aimlessness. 

But I want to dig into that lack of romance a little bit and I want to do it through looking closer at Din as a character. What strikes me as interesting is he isn’t presented to us as the typical “lonely hero” archetype you’d see in Star Wars (or anything else, actually) He doesn’t seem to have much personal investment in his profession. He’s a bounty hunter because its a way to hunt beskar and a means of income for himself and his covert. That’s it. He doesn’t have any particular passion or interest in hunting and fighting, it just happens to be that, as a Mandalorian, he’s a trained warrior. Not a TON else you can do with that as your only skillset. 

We also establish early on that he’s a lot more sensitive and emotionally vulnerable than he lets on. He bonds with Grogu almost immediately. He doesn’t even hesitate to shoot IG-11 through the head when it threatens to kill the baby. This man saw an unattended infant in danger and said “it’s free real estate” and became a dad. 

So we KNOW he has an incredible capacity for compassion and affection almost from the get-go. And that’s reinforced time and time again throughout the show by his willingness to help literally anyone who needs it, regardless of the benefit to himself. So why don’t we ever see a romance?

It’s because he’s Mandalorian. More specifically, it’s because he’s the type of Mandalorian who vowed to live by a creed that prevents him from showing his face to any living being. On the surface, this could potentially cause issues with finding love and intimacy because it physically prevents him from being open with someone else. A relationship with him would mean accepting that you will never See the person behind the armor, and I can see that being uncomfortable for a lot of beings. 

If you dig some more into that, it comes down to there probably not being a ton of people out there willing to make the compromises Din would need to comfortable and happy. I believe he’s been burned by this exact situation in the past, judging from his interactions with Xi’an in The Prisoner. Presumably they had some sort of entanglement when they worked together in the past that ended in some bad blood. She belittles him for his dedication to his beliefs, embarrasses him, and plays into Mayfeld’s childish and invasive questions. 

We’re only ever given this as an example of a past attempt at some kind of relationship, and it ended, and ended badly, because he was unwilling to ignore his beliefs and boundaries for a partner who mocked him for both. 

So it’s really no wonder we get that amazing scene with Omera in Sanctuary. He’s clearly thought about staying with her, someone who has been kind to him and Grogu, and who could maybe come to truly love him. But even she still expects him to simply “pack away” his beliefs in favor of her companionship. The way his voice cracks and shakes, the way he so resignedly (but still so gently) grips her wrists to pull her away from taking his helmet off, that’s a man who had maybe dared to hope for a second that he’d found someone who would respect his choice to keep his face covered. It’s other things, too. It’s his dedication to his quest to both protect and reunite Grogu with his people, first and foremost, but there’s definitely some personal turmoil in that scene as well.

Conclusion: Din is someone who canonically struggles to form romantic/intimate relationships with others because of the creed he’s sworn and the armor he wears. He’s made attempts that have blown up in his face (Xi’an) and while he still allows himself to fall just a little bit for others when they’re kind to him, it’s always with the knowledge that it won’t work out because they see his boundaries as surmountable or conditional (Omera).

If that doesn’t read as an asexual experience, I don’t know what does. 

(I also want to talk about ship stuff now so if you’re not interested in me talking about Dincobb you can peace out! Otherwise, you made it this far, might as well keep listening to me ramble lmao)

This entire examination is also to work out why Din/Cobb works so well for me as a ship and it 100% has to do with how the fandom has interpreted and written Cobb in their fanfic. Overwhelmingly I have seen people write Cobb as incredibly understanding and accepting of Din’s choice to cover his face. He totally lacks the expectation that someday his affection will be enough for Din to forsake his creed, which is novel for Din. 

Here’s this person who not only takes the time to get to know him as a person, fight by his side, and trusts him implicitly, but he also doesn’t come with the usual stipulation that his love is conditional based on Din’s willingness to compromise his boundaries for him. I LOVE that one of the most popular tropes for this ship is Cobb willingly blindfolding himself so that Din is able to remove his helmet and relax around him without violating his beliefs. I LOVE that there are so many fics where Cobb cooks him dinner, understands that Din can’t eat next to him, and sits down on the other side of a closed door so they can still eat together. Cobb respects Din, respects his boundaries, and Din is able to pursue a more intimate connection with him because of that allowance and acceptance, and on his own terms.

As someone who has always struggled to find a relationship free from the expectation that I must somehow trade my identity and comfort for love, this ship just hits different, okay. 

[bidilfs]

hey can we talk about the trope in media where like... a straight couple is discussing having children, and the woman is strongly for it while the man is strongly against it? And this is used to paint the male character as immature and childish for not wanting kids, while his wife is considered the reasonable one in spite of often threatening to or just straight up ending the relationship over it, regardless of how he approaches the situation or what valid reasons he has for not wanting children?

Can we maybe not treat “not wanting kids” as a character flaw for people to get over? 

[havethetimeofyourstyles]

in which you and harry meet again after six months.

a/n: hiiii! this is for @theharriediaries fic challenge! the photo used is the one on the left of the banner, and the dialogue i chose was ‘Is this seat taken?’ ‘By you, I hope.’ & ‘I’m sorry it took us this long.’ thank you for creating this challenge, soph!

thank you @sunflowers-styles for beta reading this for me, mwah! <3

WORD COUNT: 12k of dad!harry with slight angst and fluff (pls appreciate the dilfrry dialogues in this lmao)

COME INTO MY INBOX AND LETS TALK ABOUT ‘THE TRAIN RIDE BACK TO US’ I’d love to know your thoughts!

pls rb to share! <3

The gold bell chimed quite loudly, informing the baristas that someone had entered their shop. The aroma of fresh ground coffee beans immediately filled your senses once you pushed open the sage green door as the smell feeling of nostalgia and comforted you. 

Everything looked the same in the coffee shop. The oak wood floor never changed with coffee stains in certain areas that didn’t quite seem to come off all the way, no matter how hard the employees scrubbed—but it gave the shop character, in your opinion. Different colored potted plants filled the shop in every corner and on the clean white windowsill, making the place look lively. Crisp oxygen mixed with Columbian coffee beans flowed around the shop, making customers want to come back to a comfortable environment. Black and white bistro tables sat within the café, with silver metal bases, holding the circular table tops up as they alternated with colors along the built-in brown bench against the light-gray colored wall; with matching black and white metal chairs that practically screeched against the oak wood floors when someone was trying to scoot in or out of the table. 

The entire shop was the exact same from what you remembered it to be six months ago. The only difference was that when you sat on the wooden bench, specifically at the black table in the corner that was right next to the window, the person who was supposed to be in front of you wouldn’t be there; and for that, your heart dropped a little. 

Trying not to think too much about your change of mood, you ordered your usual—an iced mocha latte with a pump of sweet vanilla syrup—before you paid and turned around to see which tables were available. The usual corner table was staring right at you, practically mocking you, and you wished that the table was occupied, but then you would’ve felt wrong sitting at a different table when yours was clearly open. 

You took your seat on the bench, and almost immediately, you started shaking your leg underneath the table. Your seat felt hot, as if the wood was catching fire underneath you, burning your legs and making you antsy. 

Luckily, the shop wasn’t crowded so it took the baristas less than six minutes to make your drink and to call out your name from behind the counter. Quickly, standing up from the burning hot seat, you made your way to the counter, thanking Mel for the drink. Since coming here, you had become quite a constant in the cute Portland coffee shop. Mel was one of the employees that had worked at the shop the longest, so she made everyone’s drinks because she knew the menu the best. So, you caught up with her a bit, and inevitably, she asked where you had been. 

“You didn’t find a better coffee shop did you?” She teased, making you chuckle. 

“No, I’ve just been, uh, too busy to come around. But I promise, your drinks and shop are still the best,” you said truthfully, to which she beamed. To this day, you hadn’t found a superior coffee shop than ‘Coava’ because the others just didn’t compare—they didn’t make you feel the same way you did with this one. “But thanks for the coffee.” You gave her one last smile before you turned around to make your way back to your table. 

And then the bell chimed. 

It was as if the sun was peeking out through the clouds; the sun beams strongly pointed down onto the wet pavement after a night of rain, leaving the air with its pleasant smell of petrichor. He was the light that seeped through the curtains, and you knew it was going to be a lovely day. 

“Harry…” you stopped in your tracks, careful not to spill the contents of your coffee cup. Your heart skipped several beats once he flashed you his gorgeous smile that you were still hopelessly in love with. 

“Hi, Y/N.” Harry mindlessly played with the buttons of his coat as he mentally tried to situate the nerves in his head and stomach. His breath felt like it was stuck in his throat, making his voice slightly trail off with a crack to the tone. 

It felt like the two of you were the only ones in the coffee shop—minus the locals who were sitting at the tables, minding their own business, or wondering what the fuck they were doing standing in the middle of the shop—completely and fully captured by the other’s stare and presence. 

The loud screeching noise of steam took you out of your dazy trance as you cleared your throat. Harry looked down at his feet before looking up at you through his lashes, shyly intertwining his hands behind his back. 

“Uh, would you like to join me?” 

Harry raised his brows at your proposal, pursing his lips to contain his giddy excitement. “S-Sure.” You took a deep breath before you started to walk towards the table in the corner—one he was also very familiar with. “This seat...Is this seat taken?” He asked politely but, almost instantly, mentally cursed himself because you wouldn’t have invited him if you were with someone. 

You didn’t catch his slip up, instead, you smiled as your face grew warm. “By you, I hope.” Harry blushed, taking a seat on the black metal chair across from you. 

“So, how’ve you been? It’s been a while since I last saw you,” you mentioned. 

It’d been six months since the last time you saw and sat in front of Harry—a very long six months. The conversation six months ago wasn’t the most happiest of memories because that  conversation brought in the heartache and heartbreak; the chat had included the mutual separation of your relationship that involved tears, chest pain, and as always, the smell of Colombian coffee that surrounded your afflictive conversation, hoping it would calm the tension between you two. 

“Yeah, it has been a while, but I’m doing okay. How are you?” 

“I’m good.” There was a bit of awkwardness swirling in the air, and you absolutely despised it—you wanted it to leave the shop and never return. You had always imagined what it would be like bumping into Harry again, more importantly, what you would say to him. And despite all those moments daydreaming of finding the right words, you were completely stuck, and you fully blamed it on the awkward tension. “Can we not be…y’know, awkward? That’s not us,” you simply said. 

Harry let out a sigh of relief, adding a breathy laugh. “Yes, yes, of course. You’re right, that isn’t us at all.” Mel brought him an iced black coffee since it was his usual, and she saw that he didn’t get the chance to order because he was immediately occupied by the sight of you. He softly thanked her with a smile, only taking his attention off of you for a split second before his eyes were right back on you; he didn’t know what this conversation would lead to, nor did he want to get his hopes up, so that meant spending every moment with his complete attention and eyes averted to you. “I miss you…” he said. 

There was a sense of relief as you exhaled deeply, glad that he wasn’t the only one who was missing the other. His words had brought a flutter of butterflies to your stomach, soaring as they pleased while your face felt warm. 

You and Harry had been together for a year and a half before calling it quits. For most of the relationship, it was happiness and bliss—occasional fights, but they weren’t frequent—towards the last few months however, things were getting a bit stressful. You remembered the days like it was yesterday as the vivid memory crept inside of your head...

It was nearing nine in the evening and the house was quiet. The silence was louder than the ongoing noise inside your head that was constantly yelling at you, making your head ache from the incessant thoughts. It was safe to say that you weren’t happy, and that even Harry wasn’t happy either. But you had only gotten a glimpse of him during the evening, so you were simply assuming that he wasn’t content—but it was a very logical assumption since every time he looked at you, it seemed like he was becoming more stressed out by the minute; as if he didn’t already have a lot on his plate during the day, and by night, he would still have to deal with whatever argument and fight either of you would pick for no apparent reason. 

It started with petty little arguments, getting annoyed and frustrated at the other because of burnt toast or something as small as running out of detergent for the laundry. But fighting over nothing had turned into completely confessing that you weren’t happy anymore, and that the exhaustion had gotten to you. 

“I-I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Harry,” you said in between your sobs that you tried to contain. “All we’re doing is hurting each other—we’re not even happy together anymore!” 

It felt like his heart was exploding, but it was the truth. “Darling…” 

“You can’t lie and tell me that we’re happy together because it’s obvious that we’re not.” You wiped the tears from your face, leaving your skin damp from the moisture. 

Harry sighed deeply, knowing he couldn’t argue anymore. He felt defeated and upset with himself; it was like he was doing well in everything else or at least trying, and he couldn’t even do his part in being a good boyfriend to you. He knew part of the reason why both of you weren’t happy was because of the neglectance, and both of you were too exhausted to even communicate that feeling. You two were both independent entrepreneurs—always knowing when to close business and how to make a well deserved investment or sale with others who were trying to buy whatever stock or product. But when it came down to each other, to Y/N and Harry, it seemed like the individuals that were trying to please and charm others had dissipated, leaving no room or patience for each other. 

“We’re both busy, Harry, I get that. And maybe it’s best if we call it quits until everything settles down—until we both know what we want—”

“I want you,” he interrupted. 

You softly huffed, looking down at your lap as you slightly nodded before you looked up at him again. He had tears streaming down his face and more forming in his eyes; you loved that he wasn’t embarrassed or afraid to show his true emotions—he was being vulnerable every time he let his guard down, and for that, you would appreciate him forever. 

Muffled, static cracks followed by quiet little groans were heard from the baby monitor on the coffee table. Harry glanced at it before looking back at you, knowing he had to take care of his number one priority, and who were you to stop him? So, you nodded, tilting your head towards the room, and he sadly smiled before heading towards the nursery. 

You walked over to the kitchen counter, grabbed a pen and paper, and wrote ‘Meet me at Coava tomorrow. Usual time.’ before you placed it on the coffee table beside the monitor. As you were leaving, you heard soft humming coming from the baby monitor, and your heart squeezed, frowning as this was most likely going to be the last time you were going to be in this house. Taking one look around, you took in all of the memories that you made in the building that made you feel safe and warm before you stepped out, immediately welcomed by the cool temperatures of the evening. 

The next afternoon when you walked into Coava, Harry was already sitting at the usual table you two sat at. His head was down, mindlessly wiping down the condensation that formed outside of his glass. You took a seat in front of him without saying a word, making him look up. He had dark circles around eyes as he hadn’t gotten much sleep. 

“Hi,” you whispered. There was your usual cup of iced coffee placed in front of you. “Thank you for the coffee.” 

He nodded and smiled softly, despite his current mood. “Hello.” 

You took a deep breath. “So…where do we go from here?” 

Harry sadly looked at you with desperation in his eyes that spoke, no, begged you to tell him to stay, to tell him that you two could and would work this out. But it seemed like you hadn’t received that specific message from his green and sorrowful eyes. 

“You were right…We haven’t been able to make time for one another. So, we’ll just…take some time apart.” His heart and voice cracked at the end of his sentence, finding it hard to even form a sentence that didn’t absolutely break him. You nodded, agreeing, but it didn’t hurt any less; you knew this would be best for the two of you because both of you had to focus on yourselves, especially when Harry had his priorities, such as his family, which you weren’t going to make him change whatsoever. “Okay…so, we’re over.” He hadn’t said it as a question but rather a way to see that realization. 

You reached across the table, placing your hand on his, and you were lucky that he didn’t pull away. “Harry, this doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I…will always love you.” 

“And I’ll always love you too,” he said honestly. 

Behind the civil and mature conversation that occurred, there was sadness and heartbreak. There were no more smiles or laughs, no more love and affection, or anymore meet-ups during lunch or coffee dates during breaks. The painful look on Harry’s face had only pained you even more, but you both knew this split-up and time apart was for the best. 

That was six months ago. 

Now, as you sat across Harry, you felt an overwhelming rush of relief and joy; he just looked happier and you saw a familiar glint in his eyes as he looked at you. It may not be the same sparkle of love as it once was, which you were afraid it wasn’t, but there was still some kind of sparkle—the kind someone would give when they reunite with an old friend. 

“The kids miss you—they miss you a lot.” 

Your eyes look at him fondly at the mention of his children. “Really?” 

“Yeah, they do. They said, and I quote, they miss their ‘pretty fairy second mom,’” Harry said quite proudly. 

Harry had three kids that you absolutely adored. There was Mira and Estelle, seven-year-old twins that looked like their father. Mira was very energetic and talkative—that little girl could talk for hours on end without missing a beat; Estelle was more quiet and reserved, but once you started hanging around, she opened up and was quite fun to have a laugh with. Then there was the sweet little two-year-old boy, Rory, who resembled his mother. He was always babbling and giggling, so happy and free. 

If Harry was being honest, Rory was a complete accident. Him and his ex had separated and broken up when the twins were four, but they were still seeing each other. Those occasional hangouts led to another child, which they both thought would help them bond, but six months into the pregnancy, they both knew it wasn’t right anymore—not like before. So, they stuck to coparenting and, if they were speaking the truth, it was much better than being together. 

When Rory was six months old, that was when Harry met you. On an unexpected literal run in the park when you and Harry were on your daily runs, the trail was only narrow and small enough for one person to run. So, when you and Harry were running towards each other, you braced yourself for the awkwardness you were about to face with the man. Harry politely smiled, moving to his left, only for you to move to your right, which made you both giggle. The two of you then moved to the opposite side, only to clash again. The thought was quite hilarious to the two of you, so you both started laughing, clutching your stomachs. Once you two calmed down, Harry then said that he was going to his left, so you moved to your left, running the opposite directions from each other. 

At the end of the trail and on your way to the parking lot, you saw Harry finish the same trail but exit from the other side. And if it said anything more, you parked right next to his car as well. Harry smiled, dimples flashing and asked you how your run was, which then led to a bit of small talk. In the six minutes you two were talking, Harry made the impulsive decision to ask you if you would like some coffee. He wouldn’t have asked if it were anyone else, and until that moment he didn’t even know  if he was ready to date again. But he took the chance and decided to ask you, and luckily, you said yes. 

The rest was history. 

“I miss them so much too.” You smiled softly, thinking about the kids that you had thought of as your own. 

“I, uh, I know it’s too much to ask, but I figured I should ask either way…Would you like to see them? Mira would never live it down if I told them that I saw you and didn’t ask if you wanted to see them.” He added a chuckle at the end, nerves creeping up his skin. 

Your eyes lit up. “Really? You’d let me see them?” 

Harry raised his brows. “Yeah, of course! You could see them anytime you want, if you’d like. Just because we’re not, y’know, together doesn’t mean that you can’t see them. I know how much you love them and how much they love you too,” he reassured. 

“Would Laurie be okay with that?” You asked about his ex and the mother of said children. 

He nodded. “Yeah, she would. I mean, she also knows how much they love you.” Harry was lucky that the mother of his children and his ex was so kind and chill with having someone that Harry loved be ‘another mother’ to her children; all Laurie really asked of you was to not try and replace her role as their mom and to always keep them safe when she wasn’t around, and who were you to disrespect her wishes? 

“Harry, I would love to, thank you. I really do miss them.” You felt yourself getting a bit emotional because of how much you missed the kids, and it’d felt like an eternity since you last saw them. 

“Great! Tomorrow is the weekend, so are you free to go to the park and maybe get some ice cream after?” 

“Yeah, that sounds like a plan.” You smiled, not too widely as you tried to contain your excitement. 

Harry smiled back at you before quickly looking at his phone to check the time. “I gotta get back. But I’ll see you tomorrow and will text you the details tonight.” 

“Okay, see you soon.” You stood up to hug him, and his arm immediately wrapped around your waist, hugging you to his chest. His stomach was doing flips as he felt your breath against the crook of his neck. He didn’t want the moment to end, and it was the most physical contact that you two had in six months. 

Pulling away, he offered you a smile before bidding you goodbye, and you finally let out the breath you had been holding the moment the bell chimed and the man you still loved walked in. 

A soft blush was planted on Harry’s cheeks for the entire day. He was driving from work to Laurie’s house to pick up his beloved children as he thought about how his day turned out to be. 

In all honesty, he hadn’t expected to see you in the coffee shop that you two had gone to throughout the entirety of your relationship. He had just gotten out of a meeting and was debating on going to Coava because he hadn’t been there since the day you two called it quits, but he figured it was time and thought that maybe reminiscing on the memories you two had with each other wasn’t a bad thing. So, he walked into that shop thinking he was just going to get a coffee to-go, but he had gone in there and left with something so much better. 

The moment his eyes landed on yours his mind had screamed and reassured him that he wasn’t just dreaming that you were standing right in front of him, he felt his stomach drop in the best way. The heat had rushed to his cheeks, tugging on the corners of his lips, urging his mouth to smile, and he did not hold back his joy when he saw you. You were beautiful, just like he remembered, but he had no doubt that there wasn’t a day that went by where you weren’t not absolutely stunning. 

And the giddy feeling he felt when he asked you if you’d like to see the kids made his heart tumble inside of his chest as he couldn’t wait for you and the kids to finally see each other again. 

Harry pulled into Laurie’s driveway, and he quickly got out and knocked on the door, waiting for Laurie to answer. He chuckled as he could practically hear the twins screaming from across the house to make sure they had everything they needed. When the door opened, he was met by his ex that he once loved, and still had some platonic love for her, naturally, as the mother of his children. 

“Hey, Harry! They’re just getting their stuff ready,” she greeted with a smile, opening the door wider as she walked away from the entrance and let him in. She grabbed Rory from the couch, who was mindlessly playing with a giant puzzle piece, and gave him many kisses to his cheeks before saying goodbye to her son and handing him off to Harry. 

Rory’s eyes lightened up at the sight of his father. “Dada!”

“Hi, my sweet boy. I’ve missed you.” He placed soft kisses to his chubby and squeezable cheeks. 

“Girls, dad’s waiting!” Laurie called out from the bottom of the stairway before turning back towards Harry. “Why do you look like that?” She gave him a knowing look. 

“Like what?” Harry asked, acting like he didn’t know what she was talking about. The blush really gave him away, he thought. 

“You’re just…extra happy today.” 

“Can’t I be happy, Laurie? To see my kids?” He teased, smirking as he hugged Rory to his chest. 

“I mean, sure, but…did something happen today?” 

His smile widened, and it was like he couldn’t contain the exciting feeling anymore and he just had to tell someone. “I saw Y/N today.” 

Her brows raised. “Really? How is she?” 

“She’s doing well, yeah. We talked for a little bit.” Was all that he told her. 

“And I’m assuming it went well.” He nodded, not wanting to tell her more. “Well, that’s great, Harry. She was, is, a lovely woman and she took care of the kids, so that’s all that matters to me,” Laurie said genuinely; she wasn’t jealous, if she was being honest. All that mattered to her was that her kids were in good hands. 

Suddenly more footsteps were coming down the stairs. “Dad!” The twins yelled at the same time. He put Rory down for a moment before he bent down to hug his two girls. 

“Hi, my loves. How are you?” He kissed both of their cheeks, making their small arms hug him tighter. 

“Dad, I scored one hundred percent on all my spelling tests, so I’m qualified for the spelling bee!” Mira explained excitedly once she let go of Harry. 

“Really?! That’s amazing, bug. This week, I’ll help you study for it.” Mira beamed at that before walking over to her mom to say bye. 

“How are you, my sunshine?” He directly asked Estelle, knowing that she was specifically waiting for Harry to have his attention on only her. Even though she’d never told him that, he could tell that sometimes Estelle lets Mira have her moment and wanted to speak with Harry when no one else was paying attention. 

“I’m good. My teacher told me I could become a math…mathmat—daddy, what are they called?” She looked at Harry for help. 

“Look at you, sunshine! I’m so proud of you my little mathematician.” Estelle’s eyes widened. “Is that you meant mathematician, sweetheart?” He smiled. 

“Yes, that! I did good on my math test and even baked cookies for you!” Before Harry could say anything, Estelle ran off to the kitchen to grab the plate of cookies she baked last night. 

“Alright, babies, let’s go. Say bye to mommy.” The kids said their goodbyes before Harry safely buckled them into their car seats and drove home for a week at their father’s. 

When all four of them reached the front door, Harry told the twins to put their belongings away and wash up for dinner. He set Rory down in his high chair before cutting up some bananas in halves, and placing them on the plastic table in front of him for his pre-dinner snack. Knowing that his kids liked home cooked meals better than takeout, fortunately, he set out the ingredients to make some fried rice, which was quick and easy. 

The twins rushed down the stairs once Harry put the leftover rice into the pan filled with sautéed veggies, and they settled onto the couch in front of the TV, waiting for dinner.

“Loves, set the table for me, please!” He called out from the kitchen as he transferred the rice from the pan to a large bowl, topping it with green onions. The girls each had a task for setting the table; Mira was in charge of forks and spoons, and Estelle handled the plates since she was less clums. He rolled Rory’s high chair over to the table, which he was so lucky to have gotten a high chair with wheels because it was so much easier to move him without carrying him and the chair; and he gave everyone an equal scoop, depending on how much they ate, and if they wanted seconds, he would be glad to serve them more. 

As they ate, Harry was occasionally helping Rory eat the rice, just picking up the contents that didn’t make it into his mouth, as Estelle and Mira both took turns talking. Harry loved family dinner, he tried his very best to give all three of his children the attention that they deserved, but dinner was the one time they bonded the most because no one felt competitive or had the urge to start an argument when there was food in front of them. 

“Daddy, how was your day?” Estelle asked curiously, and Harry smiled at his sunshine, as if she was the sun itself, heart swooning. 

“It was great, thanks for asking, my love.” He placed his spoon on his plate. “I actually wanted to talk to you all about something.” The twins didn’t respond, just stared at him, encouraging him to continue. “Do you remember Y/N?” Just at the sound of your name, the crowd went absolutely wild. 

“Y/N, yes!” Screamed Estelle, which was rare for her to raise her voice. 

“Pretty, fairy second mom, of course we remember her, dad!” Mira exclaimed obviously. 

“Fairy!” Rory had repeated the only word he could make out from Mira’s mouth as he fussed because of the volume that had increased from his sisters. 

Harry laughed. “Alright, okay, settle down. Well, I saw her today.” The twins gasped, making him chuckle. It genuinely felt like he was on a talk show with a live audience. “And I wanted to ask you all if you wanted to see her tomorrow? Figured we could go to the park and get some ice cream together?” He asked hesitantly, even though he knew they’d say yes, and he’d get another chance to see you again. 

“Yes!” The girls both answered. 

Harry beamed, turning to Rory. “Bubba, remember Y/N? Your slide friend? Remember you used to go on the slide with Y/N?” Rory giggled, a sound that was Harry’s weakness, and nodded. “Do you wanna see her tomorrow?” 

“Slide with fairy?” Rory asked, and Harry laughed. 

“Yes, slide with fairy,” he confirmed, and Rory nodded his head eagerly. 

Harry smiled, glad his kids were with the plans tomorrow. The rest of the dinner was filled with the twins talking about you; they talked about what you all could do together at the park and what they wanted to show you, and Harry would be lucky if they slept through the entire night without continuously waking up because of their excitement for the upcoming afternoon. 

Once everything was cleaned up and put away, the twins washed and cleaned, Harry give Rory a bath, and everyone was ready for bed, Harry said good night to his babies, spending about five minutes cuddling and talking them to sleep until they fluttered their eyes closed and off to slumber. 

Sighing, Harry closed his door, leaving the baby monitor from Rory’s room on his bedside table before he was able to unwind for the day. He always spent an extra amount of time on his skin care routine, figuring that he sometimes didn’t have time for himself and the only time he had was during nights. 

When he was ready for bed, he felt a huge amount of relief to be getting into bed after a long but grateful day, and he picked up his phone and clicked on your message thread. The last time you two texted was a few weeks after the breakup, asking if you were doing okay, and he could practically feel the awkward tension through the texts as he reread them. But he was glad that this time would be a much lighter and better conversation. 

Hi, Y/N. Hope this is the right number still. But if it is, kids are on board for tomorrow. Does 12:30 work for you? We could meet at the usual park. If it’s not Y/N, please don’t meet at the usual park because the kids are not on board. 

You chuckled at the end of his text, happy to see that Harry is always trying to make jokes and be the comedian. 

Hi, Harry! Don’t worry, this is Y/N. Probably would have hunted the person with my number down to get tomorrow’s plans. But that sounds perfect! I can't wait to see the kids tomorrow. See you then! 

Harry softly smiled at his phone, not feeling the need to respond and figured he would talk to you a lot more tomorrow while the kids are playing. He stared at the message for quite some time, completely blank as he couldn’t believe the chances that he happened to see you at the shop six months after the breakup, and now he’s making plans with you tomorrow; his jaw was aching from smiling so much. 

A few minutes later, he put his phone away to change before he comfortably situated himself under the blanket, feeling the heaviness of his eyes. But once he felt himself starting to drift away into dreamland, his phone buzzed on his nightstand, and he tried his best to ignore it, but curiosity got the best of him, so he picked up his phone and opened the new message. 

And I can’t wait to see you tomorrow too.  

And just like that, Harry was wide awake, struggling to sleep, but a smile permanently etched on his face for the night. 

The day that everyone in the Styles’ household had been waiting for had finally arrived. Luckily, the kids had gotten their needed hours of sleep; Harry had only gotten a few hours of sleep, but when the sun seeped through his curtains, he didn’t dread getting up for the day. Instead, he felt a rush of eagerness, instantly remembering what the day held for him and his kids, and he jumped right out of bed. 

Once the four of them were out of the house, Harry had successfully fed, cleaned, and changed his children with no complaints. The house and car ride was filled with conversations about how excited they were to see you again, asking how many more hours there was until they got to see you and if they were almost at the park. 

Screams bounced off the roof of the car once Harry parked on the side of the curb; the twins had already taken their seatbelts off, getting antsy as they waited for their dad to open the car from the outside. Harry unbuckled Rory, carrying him until he rounded on the other side of the car to open the door for the twins. They quickly jumped out, clearly excited, but Harry did not forget to remind them that this was still a public area and anything could happen. 

“Girls, slow down, please.” Estelle was holding Harry’s hand as Mira was holding her sister’s; Harry was still carrying Rory in his arms because his sister’s were practically lugging Harry with all their might, trying to get to their usual spot, so he didn’t want Rory to get hurt. “Loves, you know Y/N would tell you the exact same thing. Please, just slow down for me.” He pulled the Y/N card on them, knowing that they were better listeners with you than they are with him. 

Once they were all close enough, they spotted a thick beige blanket under the tree with a picnic basket, and you sitting on top of it, setting everything up. 

“Y/N!” The girls both screamed, Estelle letting go of Harry’s hand as they both ran towards you. 

You looked up at the sound of your name, eyes brightening at the little girls running. “My Princesses! Hi, my loves!” You opened your arms widely, inviting the twins into your arms— they practically collided into your arms, making you fall onto your back since you didn’t get the chance to stand up—and embracing them with a big hug. Laughs came out of all of your mouths as wide smiles permanently stayed on your faces. “Oh, I missed you two so much!” You kissed both of their cheeks, making them giggle. You stood up, helping the girls up and brushed their clothes off with your hand from the grass. Harry and Rory were in sight, and Harry put the little boy down, making Rory run towards you. “My sweetheart, oh, you’ve gotten so big.” You hugged Rory to your chest, placing your hand behind his head as your other arm wrapped around his small body. 

You were glad that Rory still had some memory of you, and didn’t shy away behind his father’s leg. You placed soft kisses on his cheeks, taking in his baby scent that you always loved. 

After Rory was starting to fuss in your arms, most likely due to feeling overwhelmed from the lack of space, you let go of him before standing up. 

“Hi, Y/N,” Harry greeted, offering a hug, which you gladly took. 

You rubbed his back. “Hi, Harry. I’m so glad I’m here with you all.” You pulled away, smiling at him. Harry’s heart pounded against his chest at the sight of you smiling up at him. His heart did a backflip at the sight of your gorgeous smile, trickling all the way down to his stomach where it triggered the butterflies to release from the net. 

“Please, we were all really excited to see you. So, thank you for agreeing.” His hand innocently ran down your arm, sending shivers down your spine. 

You turned around to look at the kids who were making themselves comfortable on the blanket. You and Harry joined them as you sat in between Estelle and Rory, and Harry sat in between Mira and Rory. 

“Okay, so I made some sandwiches. You all still like grilled cheese, right?” You hoped, and the twins nodded; you turned towards Rory. “What about you, sweet pea? Grilled cheese?” At the sound of cheese, Rory nodded his head and clapped his hands, making you smile. 

Harry was so lost in his mind and heart that he was simply so distracted in helping you out as you unwrapped the sandwiches from the foil, putting them on a paper plate. He was just so fond of watching you interact with his children so naturally, like there was no time that was wasted when you and Harry were apart. And he was especially happy that the kids still loved you just as much as they did when you two were together; and how they still kept talking about you despite the breakup. 

Aside from you and Harry, the kids had taken the breakup the hardest. From the knowledge they had based on what Harry and Laurie told them, they understood that their mommy and daddy couldn’t be together anymore due to adult reasons; it took them a while to adjust to that, but they eventually managed and figured it was better and more fun. But when Harry had to break the news on why they wouldn’t be seeing their ‘Pretty Fairy Second Mom’ anymore, they took it harder than expected. They simply looked at it as you didn’t want to see them anymore, which wasn’t the case at all, Harry explained. 

“Sometimes adults need to take some time apart, loves. That does not mean that Y/N doesn’t love you anymore because she does very much, I can tell you that. But it's good to have some time to yourself, especially in a relationship.” 

“But daddy, I thought you were gonna be together forever with Y/N,” Estelle spoke up, tears in her eyes. He was lucky that his kids loved you so much, and he never doubted that they weren’t going to. But his fear had come true when you two called it quits and he had to tell them the truth. 

“And maybe we will, but as for right now, it’s best to be apart. Sometimes being apart saves the relationship rather than letting it burn,” he told them honestly, which was the best as he could explain it. 

“D-Does Y/N still love you?” Mira asked softly. It wasn’t like Mira to be so soft spoken, which meant that the breakup had affected her deeply. 

Harry sighed, grabbing both of their small hands. “She does,” he replied for the sake of more tears coming out of their eyes—plus, he was taking your word for it back at the cafe. “And she also loves you all so much too,” he reminded them again. What he really wanted to say was that maybe one day you two will get back together, but he really didn’t want to get their hopes up. 

Looking back on his conversation from half a year ago, he was glad that he told them the truth on why you two broke up. He didn’t want to confuse his children even further, making them completely oblivious to the situation—he just wanted to be honest with them because he hoped you two would meet again and get back together at some point. 

“Harry, would you like one?” You asked, bringing Harry back out of his thoughts. He smiled, nodding, not trusting his voice to speak; and you gladly handed him a plate with a sandwich, pouring some chips onto the side—his favorite chips, you still remembered. 

“Thank you.” He smiled softly. The corners of your lips turned up as you bashfully looked at the picnic basket in front of you. You placed Rory’s plate in front of him as he seemed to have crawled to sit closer to you, and you cut out his sandwich into small pieces, along with cutting his grapes in half. “Oh, you don’t have to do that.” He stopped you from what you were doing, ready to take Rory from your side as he didn’t want you to feel obligated to take care of him.

“Oh, if you don’t want me to, that’s fine. But I wouldn’t mind feeding him a bit.” 

“If you want to.” 

You gave him the sweetest grin, and Harry was lucky to be sitting down because his knees would give out on him if he were standing. “I want to.” He only nodded, a crimson color laid on his cheeks. 

Harry comfortably watched as you made conversation with the twins as you fed Rory. You always gave them your undivided attention; your expression always lit up everytime they talked about something they were passionate about or interested in, and it just made Harry fall even more with how you were always so supportive in what his kids loved. You were always uplifting them, never dragging their hopes and dreams down. 

After everyone was finished with their meals and had time to digest their food, the twins asked if they could go on the swings and Harry said yes. The tree that they were under was only a few feet away, so Harry had a clear view of his girls. 

“You’re, like, a magician.” Harry suddenly said, breaking the silence once the girls were safely on the swing. 

You chuckled. “How’s that?” 

“It’s like hiring a magician at a party—everyone is so excited to see what they do and see them in general—you’re like that; the girls and Rory were so excited to see you.” 

You playfully gasped, holding Rory to your chest. “You were excited to see me? Well, I was excited to see you!” You booped his nose, making Rory giggle. 

“Fairy!” He exclaimed, and you and Harry laughed. Rory was a quiet two-year-old, but he picked up on keywords that he repeatedly said. 

“So, are you seeing anyone?” You cut to the chase, skipping the small talk.

Harry chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “Nope. Not entirely sure if anyone wants to date a thirty-four-year-old with three kids.” 

You raised your brows in shock, and he knew that look you’re giving him very well—prepared to tease him; even though you weren’t that much younger than him either. “What? Do you think no one wants to date a hot dad? Harry, you’re peak-dilf, everyone wants to date you.” 

“And what about you? Do you wanna date me? A dilf?” He teased; a smirk that you knew all too well appeared on his face, making you want to kiss it off, which was what you used to do. 

Pursing your lips and cheeks heating up, you gave him an obvious look before you said, “Think you know the answer to that one, baby.” In all honesty, the pet name had slipped, and for a brief moment your eyes widened at the realization, but you brushed it off and continued with your confident and teasing attitude; and it worked quite well on Harry because he definitely heard what you used to call him loud and clear. It made his heart flutter as he missed you calling him that; he never wanted to hear that name come out of anyone else’s mouth because only yours would do it justice. 

Harry was left to ponder about your response before you changed the subject, talking to Rory. “Sweets, do you wanna go on the slide?” The little boy jumped up and down, pulling your arm as he had a big smile on his face. You looked at Harry, and he gave you a nod, telling you that he would stay put and watch your belongings. 

You and Rory walked hand in hand, or more like hand and finger, to the slide. It was an open purple slide with two sides, and it lasted about two seconds if you slid correctly and if the slide was slippery enough. You helped Rory step onto the playground as the dull metal steps were quite high for him to reach on his own before you guided him towards the slide. 

Sitting down at the top and on the edge of the slide, you carried Rory into your lap, hyping him up for what he had been waiting for. “Ready, sweets? Are you ready?” Your tone was pure excitement as you squeezed and tickled his belly. 

“Go, Y/N, go!” Directed Rory, and you scooted forward and held onto the sweet boy in your arms tightly as you two slid down the slide. Mouthfuls of squealing screams and giggles came from Rory’s mouth as he clapped his hands towards the end of the slide, causing you to cheer as well. 

And the proper dad that he was, Harry clicked the red button on the screen to stop recording you and Rory from the slide. He zoomed in, capturing the bright smiles placed on his sweet boy’s and the love of his life’s face, screenshotting the perfect frame. He didn’t think the day could have gone any better than this; it was quite the perfect day, he thought. 

When it was rounding two in the afternoon, Rory’s eyes were starting to droop, exhaustion taking over him from running around for almost an hour that his little body couldn’t keep up, so a nap was in his favor. He lazily looked up at you, reaching his arms up for you to carry him, which you happily held him. He settled his head on your shoulder, and it only took a few kisses and back rubs for him to be out like a light while the sun still shined in his face. 

You walked over to the blanket, figuring it was time to call it a day at the park; Harry and the twins were running around nearby on the bedded grass area playing tag. They retreated to the blanket once they saw you with Rory in your arms, breaths heavy from their run. 

“Oh, my sweet, sweet boy.” Harry sighed when he got to spot under the tree; you handed Rory to him, admiring the two boys cuddling as Harry pressed quiet and soft kisses to his son’s head. Since your lap was available, Estelle and Mira took the chance to finally be able to properly cuddle you since Rory was taking most of your attention. The girls took one leg each, and you wrapped your arms around their waist, kissing their shoulder. 

The five of you stayed put for a while, calming down under the breezy weather that had started to pick up until it got even colder was when Harry decided it was time to leave. Luckily the girls were still awake to help with cleaning up, and were rather helpful because Harry was trying his best with Rory situated on one side of his body. 

Once all of you were next to your cars, Harry placed Rory in his car seat as you were hugging the girls goodbye. You and Harry agreed that everyone was too tired to go out for some ice cream since all the twins wanted to do was lie down. Harry knew he didn’t want the day to end, even though it was still quite early, but the older he got, the tougher it was to keep up with his little children who just loved running around; a relaxing and peaceful night was calling him. 

“Hey.” Harry closed the passenger door before he rounded the car to meet you on the grass. “I know we talked about going for ice cream today, but it seemed like we’re all too tired, but I was wondering…” he paused for a moment, a bit of hesitancy in his voice. “Would you like to come over? Maybe…for dinner, or to have a glass or w-water?” He scratched the back of his neck, nerves getting the best of him. 

You smiled, thinking he was the absolute cutest when he was flustered. “Harry, I’d love to. Feels like I haven’t drank any water so I’m parched,” you teased. 

He breathed out a laugh. “Okay, uh, I’ll see you home.” He gave you another smile before walking away and inside of his car, completely unaware of his choice of words. 

Home. More specifically, Harry’s home. It was a place that made you feel safe, and if you’re being honest, it’s been too long since you’d had complete solace. 

Your mental pep-talk throughout the drive toward Harry’s had helped in some way. Keeping it simple without driving your mind into overthinking every single thought, you laid it all down as if you were planning and preparing a business proposal. 

You didn’t want to dive deep into what Harry’s invitation could entail—more like you didn’t want to get your hopes up on if you two were to get back together because the potential rejection you could face would absolutely crush you. Harry’s a kind and sweet guy, he’s simply inviting a friend over for a drink and dinner, if you could even call yourself that. Plus, it was still early to fully call it a day, and he planned for ice cream after the park, so he was fulfilling that promise of sweet dessert. 

Without realizing, you’d been sitting in your car for a solid five minutes, staring over your steering wheel as you were parked on the curb in front of Harry’s house. Harry’s car was already in the driveway, so they were just waiting on you. 

You walked towards the front door, and it swung open before you even got the chance to knock. 

“Hey, thought you’d change your mind when you weren’t getting out of the car,” Harry joked, although that thought really crossed his mind when he peeked out through the window and saw you still in your car. 

You chuckled nervously. “Oh, no. I wouldn’t.” You stepped inside his house, and a wave of nostalgia rushed through you as if you were at the beach and the harsh current knocked you over as you were trying to walk against the sandy wind. 

Everything still looked the same—the same since the night you left without another word to the kids, just a note to Harry telling you to meet at the shop. A pinch of guilt appeared in your face as you frowned, and Harry immediately took notice, but you waved it off as you slightly smiled, telling him that you two would talk later. He didn’t press any further, waiting until later or when you were ready. Instead, he asked if you wanted anything to drink, to which he already knew you’d go for a class of Cabernet, and luckily, he had some in stock—more like, he still had the untouched bottle for when you stayed over. 

The two of you leaned against the cold granite counter as music softly played on the speaker that was connected through Bluetooth on his phone. Conversations were light, but it wasn’t awkward in any sense. As a matter of fact, it felt just like old times when you would stay over his house, talking about each other’s day and simply enjoying the presence of one another. That’s what you think this was, you thought—enjoying the fact that Harry was in front of you after so many months and you were cherishing it until the next set of months went by. 

After a few conversations and sips of wine later, the time had gone by fairly fast, which always happened when you were with him, and it was nearing five. The kids had woken up from their nap at four and quietly settled in the living room—the twins on the couch in front of the television and Rory was on the padded mat playing with his toys, occasionally talking to his sisters. Harry asked if you would be okay watching them so he could make dinner, and you were close to reminding him that he didn’t need to ask to watch his kids, but then again, you had to remind yourself that things were a bit different now. So, you said that you didn’t mind and walked over to the sofa chair next to the couch and watched TV with the girls as well as play with Rory. 

Twenty-five minutes had gone by and Harry called everyone, announcing that dinner was ready. You all walked into the dining room, taking your seats. Your assigned seat was next to Rory’s chair, which was in between you and Harry; the girls were sitting across from you. Once everyone took several bites of Harry’s dinner--a quick fettuccine alfredo--the chatter was back. You enthusiastically listened to the girls and Rory talk; it made Harry smile, loving how natural everything felt. 

Estelle tapped Harry’s shoulder, making him turn towards her with a smile on his face. “What is it, sunshine?” She got off her chair, leaning over to whisper something into his ear and he smiled, turning back to his family who was curious as to what Estelle had said. “Go ahead and ask her, love.” 

You put down your fork and placed your arms on the table. “What’s up, Princess?” 

“Uh, c-can we go to that place?” 

“What place is that?” You asked curiously. 

“That place where you told Daddy you loved him,” she responded quite bashfully. Your mouth was slightly open, not expecting her to say what she did. Looking over at Harry, he simply had a soft smile on his face with his brows raised, shrugging his shoulders.

Did you want to go back there? The answer was a simple yes. There wasn’t any excuse that you could possibly make up on the spot as to why you couldn’t go there, and it wasn’t necessarily a bad place whenever you thought about it. In fact, you really missed going over there and you would be lying if you said that you didn’t think about that place often. 

Your head turned towards Estelle. “Sure, why not. How about we go tomorrow?” You asked everyone, and they all had smiles on their faces. You looked at Harry, directly asking him for permission. “Is that okay?” His elbow was resting against the arm of the brown chair, fingers placed under his lips as he slightly puckered his soft and pink lips; without looking under the table, you knew his legs were crossed. Harry smiled, nodding his head, and everyone cheered. 

The rest of the time everyone was sitting at the dinner table, you all talked about plans for tomorrow, and everyone was really excited. Once it was almost eight, Harry realized that it was almost their bedtime, so he hurried them up the stairs to get ready for bed before saying goodnight to you, getting in as many hugs and kisses as they could get. 

Harry was upstairs, changing Rory and putting him to bed before he walked down and found you in the kitchen washing dishes. He slipped past you, placing his hand along your lower back briefly before he grabbed the dish rag. The action sent a chill down your spine and you immediately missed his hands on you. 

“The kids seem really excited about tomorrow.” Harry broke the silence, glancing over at you as you continued to wash the dishes. 

You nodded. “Yeah, I’m really excited too.” 

Harry noticed the slight shortness, and he thought it may be because you were tired. “Hey, are you okay?” 

You turned off the water and faced him, crossing your arms as he did the same. 

“Do the kids hate me?” The corner of his lips turned up before he started laughing, clutching his stomach. If it were any other time, you would obsess over his laugh; it was music to your ears, the highlight of your day, and the sun when it’s bright out. You softly slapped his arm. “Harry! I’m being serious!” 

“Darling, you’re joking, right?” Your heart briefly fluttered at his nickname for you. “Those kids love you!” He noticed your change of attitude and that you’d been thinking about this for a while and beating yourself up over it. 

“It’s just…I don’t want them to think that we broke up and I forgot about them. I mean I understand if they see it that way because I left without saying another word for six months--didn’t even get to say goodbye to them and have a proper talk. I just don’t want them to hate me.” You looked down at your feet as you played with the thin silver band on your middle finger.  

Harry’s seen you in work mode, and it reeks confidence and power. You don’t need much reassurance during work unless it’s when your employees tell you that progress is moving along. But this was completely different; you needed all the reassurance that you could get to get it through your head that the kids that you’d come to love--from the moment you met them--don’t hate you. And Harry didn’t mind telling you over and over again. 

“They were just that we split up, that’s all. But they quickly understood why.” 

“What’d you tell them?” You asked curiously. 

“The truth--that sometimes it’s better to be apart for a while rather than drive ourselves crazy. Told them that when the time is right, then maybe we’ll get back together.” The look in his eyes was so comforting that you immediately fell into them. Harry was always the best with giving you that extra reassurance that you and his kids need. 

You felt the extra beat in your chest that pumped so harshly against your chest, but it was surrounded by butterflies, making it flutter throughout your body. As you looked so deeply into Harry’s beautiful green eyes, you realized one of two things; the first thing was that you never wanted to look so deeply into another person’s eyes unless it was Harry’s; and the second thing was that you were incredibly and overwhelmingly still in love with this man and his three children, and there hadn’t been a day that gone by where you weren’t. 

Taking a deep breath, itches were crawling up your skin, begging you to say something. “D-Do you think it’s time?” Your voice asked shyly. 

Harry was taken back by your question as he raised his brows. He couldn’t deny the nerves that he felt whenever he was around you, but your question seemed to have increased his nervousness. 

“We’ve been separated for what feels like a long time now.” He paused, taking a deep breath as he recouped his thoughts to say the right words. “I think-”

“Daddy?” Yours and Harry’s head whipped towards the staircase, finding Estelle at the bottom of it with groggy eyes. 

Harry walked towards his sunshine. “What is it, my love?” He kneeled down onto the bottom step, matching her height. Estelle told him that she couldn’t sleep, and that she’s been tossing and turning for a while, so Harry told her that he would lay with her until she fell asleep and carried her to her bedroom. He looked back at you as he was walking up the steps, and you gave him a soft smile, letting him know that it was completely okay. 

You finished tidying up the kitchen, wiping down the counters and cleaning the dining table until you realized that you needed to get ready for tomorrow’s adventure. 

Once Harry came down the stairs, he found you sitting on the edge of the armchair with your purse on your shoulder; you looked up as he walked up to you. 

“I’m gonna head out.” 

Harry’s slightly frowned. “Oh, you can stay the night if you want to.” 

“No, it’s okay, thanks.” You really did want to stay the night, but you didn’t have a change of clothes for tomorrow. “I’ll be here tomorrow morning.” He nodded, walking you to the door, opening it for you. 

You stepped out on his doorstep, turning around as you wrapped your arm around his waist, tiptoeing to plant a kiss to his cheek. The slightest bit of touch from your lips sent Harry’s skin on fire, warming up to the affection. The touch was sent away too quickly as you let go of him completely, giving him one last smile before walking to your car and waving at him as you drove away. 

Harry closed the door, the palm of his hand cupped the cheek that you kissed and he sighed as if he was shot with Cupid’s love-arrow, and he wouldn’t mind it if it meant he would feel your affection every single day. 

You arrived at the Styles household at ten in the morning with a tote-full of snacks and water, knowing the kids would get hungry from all the walking. You got there forty-five minutes earlier than planned, knowing that the Styles family wouldn’t be out the door right on time because Harry has three kids, two of them who bicker and complain from time to time—especially when they’re sleepy—and a two-year-old who was starting to run away from everything. So, you figured Harry would appreciate your help. 

When Harry saw you standing on his doorstep, he let out a sigh of relief. He was still in his striped pajamas pants and a white t-shirt, holding a small pair of olive green pants. You walked in and saw Rory running around half naked, despite it being early in the morning. You told Harry that he could shower and get ready for the day, and to leave it to you because you’ll handle it—plus, you both knew that the kids often listened to you more than their own dad. He smiled appreciatively, kissing your head briefly before walking up the stairs and getting ready. 

Once Rory saw you, he stopped running around the house and instead, ran towards you and into your arms. You carried him up the stairs and to his room to get some clothes on him, and luckily, Harry was able to bathe him before you showed up. You gave him his favorite toy to fumble with before you walked into Mira's room, setting Rory on her twin bed before helping her get ready. You left Rory in Mira’s room and went to Estelle’s bedroom, doing the same. 

By the time Harry walked downstairs, you and the three kids were sitting on the couch, eating a banana. He smiled, slowing his steps as he was amazed at the quietness and stillness in the house, but then again, he wasn’t that amazed because he knew you’d come in and get things in order. 

Harry’s home was a two minute walk to the train station, and everyone decided to take the train since it was what you and Harry did when you two were dating, and the kids really wanted to walk through the entire path of their father’s love story. 

Luckily, there weren’t that many people on the train—it was practically empty—so they didn’t have to rush to get a spot for the kids. Rory sat in the middle of his sisters as they all smiled brightly towards Harry’s phone that was capturing the adorable children for a sweet memory sake. You and Harry were standing, making sure neither of the kids fell over if the train made a halting stop. You held onto the metal bar above you, Harry held the bar that was mounted into the floor, and you both watched the kids interact with one another—counting on their fingers, booping one another’s noses, and laughing; it was every parent’s dream. 

Without noticing, Harry moved closer to you, placing his hand directly next to yours; the side of your hand touched his, and you looked at him with wide eyes while your heart fluttered. You were hip to hip, and you saw the smirk he had on his face while occasionally glancing over at you. You couldn’t help the heat that rose onto your cheeks because it felt like old times when you two used to ride the train together and it would get too packed to where you had to stand up; he would always face you as your hands touched—sometimes he would even intertwine your fingers together while you two held the bar as you were one—and he would hover over you, giving you plentiful kisses like the true romantic that he was. 

The train ride took about 30 minutes and it was a two minute walk to the place that gave you so many happy memories and nostalgia—International Rose Test Garden was where the memories of you and Harry were stored. 

You had the girls on either side of you, holding their hands; and Harry carried Rory since he was likely to run around and Harry didn’t want to risk his safety. 

The sun was bright—beautiful for a day in the garden as the roses and flowers bloomed ever so widely. All of you walked the rows and rows of flowers, occasionally taking pictures in front of the rose bushes.

Remembering all the times you and Harry were hand in hand, laughing until your stomachs were sore, like you did an intense ab workout, and there were tears resting in the outer corner of your eyes. All the memories that were swirling around in your head made you come to the conclusion to one thing: you never want to be without Harry and his kids ever again. 

You don’t know how it took you so long to realize this, maybe it was seeing them for the first time in six months that you realized that you had it great—a small family that accepted you and loved you for who you were, and you loved them just the same. 

Harry walked beside you, the kids skipping and playing around in the grass in front of you two. Confidently, you slipped your hand into Harry’s ringed hand, immediately intertwining your fingers together as if your hand knew what it was missing. Harry briefly looked down before looking at you. He smiled, and turned his head back towards the kids, not making a big deal of it as his warm hand accepted the coldness of yours. 

You gently tugged against his arm, pulling him back as he came face to face with you; a quiet gasp came out of his mouth when doing so. You looked up at him with bright eyes, and Harry was taken back to a year and a half ago where you, coincidentally, were in this same spot on the very green patch of grass. 

“Harry…” you breathed out, looking down at your feet nervously. He made the bold move to step closer to you, chests almost touching. Harry lifted your chin up with his fingers, locking eyes with you so intently that you practically lost your breath. 

“What is it?” He whispered. 

Taking a deep breath, you said, “I-I realized something.” 

“Yeah? What’s that?” 

Glancing over at the kids, they were giving you big smiles and thumbs up for reassurance, and your heart swooned at their support and love they provided you to finally get back together with their father, even if you weren’t their biological mother. 

You looked back at Harry, who was waiting patiently. “I love you. I still do and never stopped.” Harry felt like he stopped breathing at that moment. “You make me so happy—you and the kids, and I don’t want to be without you all anymore. I-I don’t like how it’s only taken me this much time to tell you this, but it felt like the perfect time since this was the place where I first told you I loved you.” 

Harry smiled, taking your hands into his. His thumbs smoothed your skin on the back of your hand before he brought them up to his lips and kissed them so delicately. The action made you smile softly before your mind had switched it to thinking that it was affection before the rejection. 

But then he opened his mouth to speak such beautiful words that you had been aching to hear during the breakup. 

“You’re my everything. I truly don’t know what I’d do without you because you. You’re part of my source of happiness, and life didn’t feel the same without you—the kids could agree with me on that.” He chuckled, looking at them to find them holding hands and jumping around in circles. “But I know that we separated for the better only for us to come back stronger than ever, and I’m never gonna let go of you again, okay?” 

Tears pricked your eyes before they streamed down your cheeks. Your heart felt like it was pounding harder than ever, but it was filled with so much love from and for this man in front of you. 

Harry wiped away your tears, leaning in to kiss your forehead, down to your eyelids as he kissed your tears away. He pulled away and you opened your eyes, giving each other a relieved and happy smile. 

“I love you,” he said, and he swore he saw the brightest smile he’s ever seen—brighter than the sun. “Always have and always will.” 

“And I love you. C-Can you kiss me, please?” 

Harry grinned. “It would be an honor.” 

Placing his palms on the side of your face, he leaned his forehead against yours. Your hands were wrapped around his wrists, rubbing his skin softly. With a smile, he kissed you with such softness and passion that the flowers bloomed largely and the sun shined ever so brightly. The kids cheered and clapped, making bystanders think that you’d just gotten engaged, but you both knew that would be the next step. Your stomach was in knots, butterflies surrounding your body as he captured your lips with his. Hugging Harry’s waist, you pulled him closer and wrapped your arms around him, and he kissed you harder, effortlessly moving his lips in sync with yours as if he was a pro on kissing you, which he was. 

Harry pulled away first, giving you several pecks before opening his eyes. “God, I missed doing that. Missed you so much, darling.” 

“I missed you too, baby.” You were high on happiness, high on love. “I’m sorry it took us this long.” A slight frown appeared on your face, but Harry kissed it away. 

“Hey, hey. None of that. I would’ve loved you until the end of time. I don’t care how long it took, you’re my forever,” he vowed, not planning to break that promise. 

Missing his lips on yours, you leaned up to kiss him again while your arms were wrapped around his neck and his were around your waist, holding you tightly as if he was afraid you’d run off. 

Suddenly, you started giggling into the kiss, making Harry smile before he pulled away. 

“What’s so funny?” He asked. You started thinking about the conversation from the park when you asked him if he was seeing someone. 

You curled in your lips before you said, “You’re a literal dilf, and I’m so in love with you.” 

please tell me all of your thoughts, feelings, favorite moments and scenes! thank you for reading <3

[artbybrittney]

So I guess it's 2012 again, and I'm making a Lokius HP au like I'm 14. Who needs self control? Not me apparently, because I have painstakingly designed my interpretation of what their wands would look like and be made of. Waaaay too much thought went into it lmao.

You can read all of my reasoning under the cut.

Loki's wand:

I chose dogwood for Loki's wand because I read the description and immediately thought "wow if that isn't Loki in a nutshell idk what is."

"Dogwood wands are quirky and mischievous; they have playful natures and insist upon partners who can provide them with scope for excitement and fun. It would be quite wrong, however, to deduce from this that dogwood wands are not capable of serious magic when called upon to do so; they have been known to perform outstanding spells under difficult conditions, and when paired with a suitably clever and ingenious witch or wizard, can produce dazzling enchantments. An interesting foible of many dogwood wands is that they refuse to perform non-verbal spells and they are often rather noisy."

He's got a pretty long wand (the upper threshold for normal wand length is 14") because he's flashy and dramatic just as a person, and his magic reflects that. His wand flexibility also indicates this, as swishy wands' "flashy style of magic is well suited to wizards and witches who strongly fight for particular or common issues," and Loki is very much someone who fights for things with his whole heart when he cares about them.

Originally I thought to give him a dragon heartstring core because those wands tend towards powerful and dramatic spellcasting, but then I thought, no so much of this wand already showcases his flair and power, what about the other aspects of his character? So I gave him a unicorn hair core because those cores A.) are deeply loyal like Loki can be when someone earns it, and B.) they're prone to melancholy, and you know, I feel like Loki would relate to a wand that can die from being depressed.

The design is based, obviously, on Loki's colors, the black varnish, green handle, and gold accents, and the handle itself is inspired by the weave pattern on his Asgardian outfits. I figured he'd have an elegant wand, but one which is also practical. It's got sharp edges like the knives he loves so much, and the gentle curves necessary to balance them out.

Mobius' wand:

Mobius has an applewood wand because "they are powerful and best suited to an owner of high aims and ideals, as this wood mixes poorly with Dark magic. It is said that the possessor of an apple wand will be well-loved and long-lived, and I have often noticed that customers of great personal charm find their perfect match in an applewood wand. Additionally, "an unusual ability to converse with other magical beings in their native tongues is often found among apple wand owners," which I thought would be a neat flavor for the fact that he speaks every language on the timeline.

Mobius' wand is shorter than Loki's by almost two full inches because he has a more reserved personality than Loki. He's clever and even devious when he wants to be, but he's good at keeping himself contained so others don't catch onto this fact as quickly. It has a supple flexibility, which indicates that he is "adaptive in a more cautious manner, and even if the supple wand and its owner may take a little longer to learn from each other, their results are usually the most reliable." Mobius is smart and adaptive, but he's also careful and calculating, so his magic tends to be consistent and reliable, but not restricted by an unwillingness to change when necessary.

The phoenix feather core is interesting, and I thought it would fit Mobius very well, since they are "capable of the greatest range of magic, though they may take longer than either unicorn or dragon cores to reveal this. They show the most initiative, sometimes acting of their own accord, a quality that many witches and wizards dislike." Mobius, however, would absolutely adore that quality in his wand because it's one of the qualities he loves in Loki. The phoenix feather core reminds me of Loki quite a lot, actually. "Phoenix feather wands are always the pickiest when it comes to potential owners, for the creature from which they are taken is one of the most independent and detached in the world. These wands are the hardest to tame and to personalise, and their allegiance is usually hard won." Mobius is not these traits, but he is well suited to work with such personalities because he enjoys the chase, the struggle, and the challenge of it. Thus, a phoenix feather core would be most likely to align itself with someone who would appreciate and love it how it is, much like Mobius does with Loki.

As for design, I felt that Mobius would have a fundamentally practical and fairly simply designed wand. It doesn't have a fancy varnish, and its main brown color is just the color of the wood itself. It's not designed to stand out and draw attention, especially when he's holding it. However, Mobius has a subtle whimsy about him, so the hilt has a pretty blue and gray spiral pattern designed to mimic the ocean he's so fond of.

[yarrowleef]

ok AVoS done. Shattered Sky is a book I remember being legitimately really into, but yeah, as is common opinion, the last three books really drop off and severely blur together (and boy Briarlight’s death was upsettingly pointless) BUT w/e I’m just listening to the audio books on hyper speed while playing pokemon so it’s not that bad

but i gotta say, actually first hand watching all the skyclan stuff go down is just making me feel even more vindicated in my old posts ranting about how much i dislike SkyClan coming to the lakes (and in my decision to just have them reject starclan and go live in the mountains in my fic lmao). Like i guess I’m supposed to disagree with Leafstar but she’s literally just right in her initial arguments, they have little to nothing to gain by staying there.  Or Rather, whatever benefits you might occasionally get from your neighbors helping during rare catastrophes (benefits most rival leaders would probably make you 'owe' them for later) do NOT outweigh the constant aggression from living border to border with those clowns. Especially when its a given that the clans will never help each other with more common life threatening problems like they wont share prey during famines and its often pulling teeth to share herbs. Leafstar was literally just right!! They simply had unfortunate timing. The main argument for returning is essentially just...Well god threatened to kill us if we went against their wishes so. that's super normal 😂

I love StarClan "we cant be clear or offer help because then we'd be taking away the clans independance!!" and also "what do you mean you're making an independent decision about where you want to live, i s2g we will harass every cat in earshot and threaten to drown you if you dont listen to us" (ok its unclear if starclan actually caused that storm, i think they have shown to have some influence over weather before and its timing was very precise, but if not they still forsaw it and used it to their advantage to make the living cats think they were being punished for disobeying starclans baseless wishes, so same difference imo. we love the cat cults)

recently I read through Shadowstar’s Life and was really surprised to see that apparently SkyClan’s old territory was already being marked for destruction by twolegs during Skystar’s time?? I know the clans all have to go through at least one or two whole other leaders to get to the ones in control when SkyClan was driven out, but...idk clearly it didn’t take that long. Leader’s can die fast. Which may imply SkyClan was literally apart from the other clans for far far longer then they were ever beside them. For like 80% of the clans total existence, SkyClan hasn’t been there. 

Anyway, i'm just saying, at least twice now skyclan leaders have strongly felt that they would be better off maintaining their home in the gorge only to be bullied into going back to the other clans (Leafstar for one, and also in a prologue scene I believe Cloudstar and his medicine cat were watching SkyClan and suggested they should go home to the gorge now that it was safe, then CLEAR SKY pressured them into reluctantly agreeing that they had to go to the lake with the other clans, and...y’know he’s their founder, its hard to argue with him. He didn’t counter their arguments, just gave them the "they MUST be together!!" line)

You know what, I think SkyClan is just Clear Sky’s vanity project and he’s kicking up a massive tantrum about it in StarClan. It's hard to feel special when you dont have other clans to compare yourself to, so he's continuing his life long tradition of putting his insecurity and ideals over the actual wellbeing of his clan, and u know what at least no one can fault him for consistency. So being a bunch of cats that haven’t gotten any wiser since dying (as is StarClan tradition), Gray Wing pressures everyone into feeling bad for his brother, and they cave because 1: Clear Sky is just so annoying that it's easier to repeatedly pacify him rather then tell him to shut up, and 2: the entire cast of Dawn of the Clans collectively have the moral back bone of a chocolate éclair. That’s why they won’t let SkyClan leave

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Hm. Not sure how to feel about that episode. It’s a good opener for series 37 and I felt it was strong all around (as strong as an episode with a lot of Charlie focus can be), I’m just not quite sure what it was trying to achieve.

I’ll get this out of the way. I don’t like Charlie. He’s boring, adds very little to the show anymore that can’t be provided by other male leads like Dylan or Jacob, and I think it’s probably time he leaves. So I have a bit of a bias against any episode that focuses on Charlie, and I’m also gonna struggle to pay attention to his monologues. So that may be part of where my issues lie with this episode, as good as it was in itself.

The other thing is... I feel like they under-served the “NHS crisis” theme a bit? I get there’s only so much they can do (as much as I disliked the COVID episode, apparently they had to fight to make it as political as it was, and I’ll give them kudos for that). But it still felt weirdly handled. Like, Dylan’s whole “I can’t fix the NHS but I can fix this department” line, when the point was that Dylan was doing everything he could against the hospital’s serious lack of funding or resources? IDK, I just feel like they were trying to make a point but they never really arrived at said point. I don’t know if that makes sense. I can’t words tonight.

People are welcome to debate me on this. I’m interested in hearing other opinions. Plus, anyway, if nothing else, this episode was enough to get people on Twitter moaning “I miss Holby! It didn’t have all these politics in it like Casualty does!!”. Which is very, very telling if you ask me, telling of the kind of show Holby became in its final years (indeed, Hugh Quarshie left because he was disappointed at how the show had stopped being about the NHS). But this isn’t a Holby post, so I won’t go too in depth on that.

What they did do well was capture how busy the ED felt. Seriously, I don’t know who - the director, camera people, whoever - would be responsible for capturing that sort of vibe, but they definitely pulled it off.

And we had several patient storylines tonight, so I liked that. Also, the bloke who had to have his leg amputated because it was crushed by the ladder reminded me of when Henrik had his legs crushed by an air conditioner and got out of it with... a small cut and a couple of days in hospital. LMAO.

Faith is back on the “oh I’m so lovely and sweet” act. Is anyone buying it, because I know I’m not. Her literally pretending to care about David like she wasn’t just shouting at him and blaming him for Ollie’s actions recently??

I think I found David’s parts of the episode to be the best. I still hate the Ollie story. Nothing will make me stop hating the Ollie story. It’s a copy of the Fredrik one from Holby (and no one start using that for their “Holby is perfect and everything Casualty does is terrible” arguments, because Holby ripped off the Fredrik story from themselves first, especially with the Cameron one!). But it has been written for and acted really well. Jason Durr really does deserve a BAFTA.

Obviously, the Dylan and David scenes were great. They reminded me strongly of the Roxanna and Henrik scenes in Holby S20E20, when she said she’d report him as unfit for work if he didn’t get help. I also loved David talking to the patient to try and find answers about Ollie.

And those final scenes with David burning up Ollie’s things - those scenes were brilliant. That shot of the teddy bear burning. Wow.

Next week, well, you know how I said the Ollie storyline was a Fredrik ripoff? ...Yeah, they aren’t even trying to hide that, because next week’s episode is called “We Need To Talk About Ollie”. Compare to Holby S19E63, “We Need To Talk About Fredrik”. Sigh. At least Jason Durr will be good.

[disastrid]

On Semantic Creep

I’ve observed a pattern lately where it seems like people are using clinical terms incorrectly. Words like “trauma, “gaslighting” and “love-bombing.” I think of how people were cautioning others not to be so quick to diagnose trump as a narcissist. Displaying some narcissistic or self-involved behavior doesn’t mean that person has narcissistic personality disorder or NPD. 

On the surface, these instances seemed like isolated cases of hyperbole, but in fact it may be more of a widespread phenomenon.  

A nyt op-ed I read recently called it “semantic creep” and I believe this article on Sarah Schulman’s book is an extension of the same phenomenon:  https://www.thecut.com/2020/08/sarah-schulman-conflict-is-not-abuse.html 

An example: A friend of mine shared a meme on facebook that used the word “love-bombing” and subsequently got into a big argument with several people. Zie ended up losing some friends, but zer problem, I think, was precisely this thing of semantic creep.  My friend was using a definition of love-bombing that wasn’t the same as zer friends. For my friend, love-bombing was simply an over-effusiveness of affection or attention, but it’s actually a very specific term for a tactic of emotional manipulation commonly used by abusers, which is the definition zer friends were using per their own experiences with abuse (and thus why they felt so strongly about it). Whereas I could see where my friend was coming from, there was no way zie could be convinced that zer definition was way more than a mere “difference of opinion.” 

The op-ed took care to point out the silver-lining of this phenomenon: that we’re more comfortable talking about emotions and emotional pain. Generally, I think it’s natural for language to evolve.  However, by using these terms to give our pain more weight and importance, it also dilutes those terms in potentially damaging ways IMO. It makes them less precise. 

We should be able to discuss our discomforts and pain without pathologizing it. 

Couldn’t sleep the other night and low and behold found more real-world examples scrolling thru twitter: 

(apparently he’s talking about Machine Gun Kelly and Willow)

IDK who this twitter guy is, but I doubt he’s the spokesperson for all pop-punk. I mean look at that reply: It’s not great but to call it bad is just wrong?”  

WHY THO? LMAO why is it wrong to say a particular song is bad? 

What’s happening is that he stated an opinion authoritatively, is getting numbers for it, and people who disagree are uncomfortable with that.  They use this term to lend weight to their disagreement and discomfort. In so doing, it aggrandizes this guy’s tweet from an innocuous opinion about one song into something much bigger. It makes a mountain out of a molehill. 

Actual gatekeeping can have real-world consequences and harm. It prevents people from accessing mental health services, for example. Or lends power to transphobic policies and hatred.  

I think it’s in our collective interest to not use these terms recklessly, and be more thoughtful in how we express ourselves, especially when there are so many mediums now in which to do it. 

[fuzzyblizzardkitty]

I have successfully managed to run macos 10.15 under VMware on windows 11. it was painful and hardly worth it in any practical sense, but it was also really fun. apple please stop fighting with Nvidia so I can just dualboot macos and not have it run at 20fps in VMware with visual glitches. I couldn't even get the edit feature in Photos to work, but from a quick glance at it, it looks really promising.

I always thought that macs were for artists but upon actually tinkering in macos for a few hours, they're actually just. for school. there's literally great (at first impression at least) tools for maths and graph plotting. basically a built in desmos. and then there's the dictionary which is a small thing but seems really nice to have. built in dictionary in all your languages. offline and quickly accessible. much more convenient then googling. and even then, in many apps you can just Google selected text by pressing the very top button in the context menu. neat

another really obvious positive is UI design. it's great. apple is still the best at UI design, and also consistency, which again, is pretty neat

what I found to be not as good is that apparently there is no way to set up my printer (no drivers that run on 10.15, which isn't even a new version at all. everything's outdated) and support for my Wacom tablet was worse than in windows. additionally, I couldn't get my mic to work, but I think it's purely because of me using a vm or otherwise not an actual Mac.

annoyingly the dynamic wallpapers are way off the actual lighting behind my window so that's disappointing lmao

and also there are problems with my apple id but I cannot say for sure whether they are caused by using a vm, or it's just apple being stupid.

also I couldn't connect my phone for some reason, I really don't see why that didn't work at all and I didn't look into it for the lack of need

I did manage to sign into app store and man. there's so much junk there ohmygod lmao. sadly darkroom, which is an app I really wanted to try for a while now, is macos 11+ only. which I find really confusing since I thought . we were. still on 10? idunno

the color calibration tool felt like a truck hitting me straight in the face. I consider myself really resistant to math jargon and stuff but that. was. brutal. I walked away not having a tiniest idea of what I just witnessed, which doesn't happen to me usually. mayhaps something to look into for fun. good thing about this is, people who know what that is all about, are probably happy with the sheer amount of detail they provide on color profiles. it is immense

I find it funny that they include a shitty lookin chess game with the installation lol

quicklook is priceless

why can't I create text files with right click.. that's dumb. I suppose I have Notes. which is a cool app. oh, apparently you can't create .txt files at all?? like I mean, it's not a saving format option in the text editor. why? why is .rtf the default one? why does it have .doc?????? really weird stuff

I like the tagging system in finder.app I wish they brought it to explorer.exe (extensions added for clarification of what os I'm talking about)

I think I will try updating the system next. I think I used a distro to install it (it looks vanilla but I will advise strongly against using anything that's not 100% official. I just could never figure it out)

windows task manager >>>>> (w11 update sucks tho. used to be the most stable and lightweight app, and now it has visual glitches even)

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.

like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.

this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.

obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.

but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.

but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.

i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):

“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”

like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.

but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???

and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.

of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.

but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.

but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.

okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.

again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.