#ao3 username was taken stomping my feet!!!!

[thebirdsaresweetlysinging]

my ao3

i follow back from sadponyguerrillagirl

[yannasunflower]

dust to dust | chapter two

chapter one | chapter two

ao3

You don't know what makes you save Kuroo Tetsurou's life. All you know is there is no world to save anymore, but damn if you're just stupid enough to try.

Genre: hurt/comfort/romance/angst Rating: Mature, subject to change (gore, violence) Kuroo x fem!Reader Word count: 3.5k

hey everyone! here's chapter two, as promised. this fic is also cross-posted to AO3, where i'm under the same username. linked above as well! next chapter, action picks up, plot picks up, and we get more Kuroo, promise. enjoy, and as always, please reblog, like, and comment <3

Nobody ever told you how absolutely boring a zombie apocalypse could be.

Your ragtag group of survivors have scavenged what entertainment they can - books and gym equipment, even a few board games. People like Suga and Takeda keep busy with the children, teaching them to read and garden and how to survive if mommy and daddy never come back for them.

You open one lazy eye as a gaggle of them stumble after Suga, hanging on to his every word.

You’re not sure how the two men handle placing a long knife in a child’s chubby hand, fingers barely able to grip it,and showing them how to strike right at a nighstalker’s heart, fast and deep. Their giggles float through the air and the sound is almost dreamlike and if you keep your eyes closed, you can pretend this is a movie and when you open them, the credits will roll and you can go home.

Others tend to the elderly, of which there are only three in your group. You try to keep them comfortable and as far from danger as possible. But your body constantly prickles with the knowledge that they aren’t just vulnerable - they are a vulnerability. A hole in the brick wall you are attempting to build around this little community.

The healthy and fit young people patrol and take rotations on the watchtowers. Teenagers help with the lessons. Takeda had been firm about this. Once a kid turned seventeen, they were allowed to join the patrols, but until then, they stayed sequestered away.

It was almost comical, telling a tall, strong, angry Tobio that he had to mind the children. He towers over you, but he had bent to your will after a brief glaring contest. And then a week later, Shoyo had bounded into everyone’s hearts, including his, and the pair were inseparable.

Kiyoko, for her part, had taken one look at Yachi, shivering at Hinata’s side, and adopted her, sweeping her under a protective wing and keeping her there.

For people like you, who have no “bedside manner” as Kiyoko puts it, there are chores and day to day mini emergencies to keep you busy. Somehow, in the months since the world finally decided to fall apart, you have become mediator and negotiator. It’s an unlikely role; you can see your mother’s arched brow if she was still alive to see you now.

You barely have the patience for grocery shopping.

She would have laughed, elbowing your father, who would have made a valiant attempt at a straight face.

These are useless memories but you allow yourself to indulge for a moment. You have nothing better to do. Lunch is cooking, inventory has been completed, the guard rotation is set for the next two weeks. Ukai had waved you off this morning when you finally managed to corner him, complaining about your ceaseless energy and the “mad glint” in your eye. His words.

“That look means trouble for me,” he had growled, pointing an accusing finger at you. “Go to your cell and get some sleep for the love of anything you find holy.” Without another word, the man had leaned against a wall, put his feet up on his desk, and closed his eyes. A clear dismissal. You tried not to huff but you definitely stomped a little bit on the way out.

You don’t know how to tell him that staying in your cell, with your eyes closed, is inviting the living nightmares. You don’t know how to tell anyone, really, that you are just as haunted as this prison, as Daichi’s eyes.

That the only holy thing left in this world is fear and if you succumb to that, you’ll never move again.

You let a sigh tumble out of you. Forcibly, you shove your thoughts in another direction.

It had been a week since you brought home your latest stray. Kuroo had spent the first three days doing little else but sleep and eat. Daichi has taken to walking him around the Pit every day, explaining the way things work, and Suga showed him his pride and joy just yesterday. Kuroo had been suitably impressed by the garden, if the generous second and third helpings Suga thought he was sneaking to him at dinnertime were anything to go by.

The man has filled out nicely. He looks less skeleton, more human after sleep and hot food. You had peeked in on him in the grey of dawn that morning after Daichi not-so-subtly hinted that Kuroo had been asking about you.

He sleeps curled up on his side, hair falling against his cheek. In another world, you would have taken a picture.

Kiyoko tells you that the men like him, that Tanaka has stopped regarding him with all the wariness of a stray cat, and that she’s pretty sure Yachi has a crush on him.

You open your eyes into a blazing afternoon, unsurprised to see the subject of your thoughts stretching in the courtyard, the weak sunlight rippling over his bare arms. His black hair is messy as ever and you are struck all over again by how tall he is.

Tobio got a new babysitter, you think with no small amount of amusement. The gangly teenager needs someone to keep him in line and frankly, you don’t have the time and Hinata is just as likely to suggest some stupid shit for them to get into as he is.

You are still stretched out like a cat on a bench, letting the sun warm you, half-hoping it will lull you into a nap.

It’s boredom, more than anything, that makes you turn your head toward Kuroo.

“If you’d like to get some exercise, we have equipment. I’m sure Noya can show you,” you call.

Kuroo jumps and swivels to look at you, eyes wide and so, so dark. You look away. Something about him is like staring at the sun; too long, and your eyes burn.

“Didn’t see you there,” he admits easily, sauntering over to your bench. You eye his approach, noting that he really must be feeling a lot better. His movements are more fluid now, lean muscles becoming apparent on his shoulders.

Daichi has blessed every woman, and a few men, in the Pit by finding Kuroo a pair of grey joggers and a muscle tank top for everyday wear.

“I don’t do well with sitting still,” he says, leaning over you. His head casts you in shadow, blotting out the sun. “This is something I think you can understand.”

Up close, you can see that the shadows beneath his eyes are retreating gradually. His smile looks less like a grimace today.

You hum, swinging your legs over the bench and sitting up. Blood rushes from your head and you lean back against your palms. Kuroo lowers himself to sit next to you.

“Daichi forces me to limit my rotations on the guard towers and patrols,” you answer. “When we first found this place and cleaned it out, I was working overtime and made myself sick. Him and Kiyoko have been conspirators against me ever since.”

Your fingers thrum against your thigh as you say this. You feel more than see Kuroo’s eyes on them.

“They love you,” he points out, a little unnecessarily.

You snort.

“Love is expensive nowadays and everyone in the Pit is broke.”

“You love them back even more.”

You glare at him but he is just looking at you, tracing the planes of your face. A frown tugs at your lips.

“How are you feeling?”

Kuroo rolls his shoulders experimentally, stretching his arms above his head.

“Better,” he affirms. “More like myself.”

“A nosy busybody who talks like a grandpa?”

“Exactly.”

He is grinning now and you have to fight to keep yourself from returning the expression.

The bruises on his face are yellow now. You estimate it will only take a couple more weeks of regular meals for his face to fill out and his skin to look youthful again. You don’t bother asking him how long he had been alone, what happened to his family. None of that matters now. The apocalypse is a great equalizer.

“I talked to Takeda and Kiyoko this morning,” you begin, leaning your head back and closing your eyes against the sun. “They agreed to give you another week before putting you on guard rotation.”

“I would appreciate that. I want to earn my keep, however I can.”

A ghost of a smile dances across your lips.

“You’re just bored,” you tease. It’s been a long time since you felt sleepy and loose enough to tease anyone.

“You say that now, but newbies get the shittiest schedule possible,” you warn him, unsure why you’re telling him this. “Be prepared. Once you’re back to top form, we’ll discuss sending you on patrols for medicine and expanding that garden of Suga’s.”

There’s silence but it’s comfortable, easy. You let yourself enjoy it for just a few moments before standing, opening your eyes and offering Kuroo a full smile and your hand.

As he shakes it, looking only a little confused, you wonder how much longer he would have survived on his own in the city.

“Welcome to the Pit,” you say before turning on your heel and walking away.

~~~

Nightmares are as plentiful as soil on Suga’s fingers.

A sliver of moonlight is all that keeps you from sinking into the darkness, skin clammy, chest heaving. Your fingers twist into the sheets. A prayer is whispered that you didn’t scream this time. You can’t bear the thought of Kiyoko running again, feet bare, knife in hand and tears glistening on her cheeks. Her utter, pure relief haunted you for a month.

It would be so easy, you think, to never get up again.

Kiyoko would care for you. Daichi would stop by, every day, and update you. Ukai would read to you, probably, or nap in your cell, unlit cigarette dangling from his lips.

These are the thoughts that force you up, out, stumbling into your worn boots, shrugging a jacket on.

Takeda finds you in the office hours later, hunched over inventory reports in his neat handwriting, hair pulled back. He puts a pot of coffee on and hands you a steaming mug, holding a hand out for the report you’re struggling to understand.

“Winter is coming,” you sigh as you hand it over. He doesn’t ask about the shadows beneath your eyes, doesn’t comment on the fact that it’s barely six-thirty in the morning and you’ve clearly been awake for a number of hours.

A smile quirks at his lips.

“I didn’t know Tanaka managed to get the TV’s up and running,” he jokes. You wave your hand in a vague gesture, taking another sip of the liquid heaven in your hand.

“We need to get winter supplies,” you answer and that sobers him up. He nods, slowly, eyes roving the paper.

“Winter isn’t for over six months,” he reminds you. An eyebrow is raised. A teacher, waiting for an explanation. In moments like these, you see the high school teacher that you’d found barricaded in his office, babbling a stream of students’ names that Daichi had quietly whispered as your group cut them down, reading them off their uniforms.

On Takeda’s worst nights, as you guarded the door to his cell, you’d heard those same names, apologies and nonsensical gibberish streaming from his mouth as he grappled with his dreams and feverish tremors.

You stand, stretching, before stepping in front of a map of the city that Suga had snagged on one of his patrols. It’s huge, taking up an entire wall. Little markers litter the paper, different colors, and you run your finger over the pale blue ones in the northeast corner.

“There’s a limited supply of winter clothes in the city. I don’t want other groups getting to it first - we don’t need that bastard holding it over our heads when we have food and they don’t,” you remind him. Your arms cross behind your back automatically. “With the snows, we’ll need snow boots. The kids need jackets and thermals. We need to completely outfit the prison’s entire water supply system to last through snowstorms. We need hot water before then or half of us are going to be too sick, and the other half will be taking care of them. We need medicine, too.”

You tick off each item on your fingers, pausing to consider if you’ve missed something. You’re probably missing ten somethings and you struggle to see what they are. You need more coffee.

Takeda is twenty-nine, but when you turn to look at him finally, he seems sixty, glasses dangling from his fingers, nose bridge pinched between his knuckles.

He mutters something suspiciously close to a curse under his breath before opening his eyes.

“You’re right,” he admits. “We’re going to need at least seven months to prepare.”

The morning is a whirlwind. You send the youngest children, always the earliest risers, to fetch Daichi and Kiyoko, both much more bright-eyed than they have any right to be. Takeda drags a yawning Ukai into the office moments later and Tanaka slouches after them. Suga pokes his head in to give you a little wave and knowing smirk that everyone else finds nonthreatening before ushering the children to the cafeteria for their breakfast.

You’re positive you’re not imagining the pale pink coating Daichi’s cheeks.

After explaining the situation, everyone sucks in a collective breath.

Tanaka never sits and always faces a door. From his corner of the room, he glowers at the map.

“Well, fuck,” he neatly summarizes. You nod your appreciation for his conciseness.

“We need to get a hold of meat,” Ukai points out. A something you had missed.

You grab a marker and the portable whiteboard Takeda had grabbed a few weeks ago. In neat characters, you begin documenting everything thrown around the table.

“Raising livestock will be another way to keep the little ones busy.”

“We can’t ask people to shower in cold water during winter, that’s cruel.”

“Tanaka, is there any way to get the heating system up and running by then?”

“What about air conditioning? We have to get through the summer to get to winter, and heat is just as likely to kill us.”

“If other groups realize what we’re doing, we could be in trouble.”

A headache is brewing somewhere behind your temples and you bite back a groan. Kiyoko pushes a cool water bottle into your hand and you know she isn’t fooled for one second.

“I think we’re missing someone here,” Kiyoko points out mildly after what feels like an eternity of circular conversation. All eyes turn to her and she’s unruffled, fingers still wrapped around her mug.

“Kuroo could be a huge help to a lot of this,” she continues. “I’m sure he can help Tanaka and Noya with everything on their list, and we need more able-bodied men on the patrols anyway. He can help us with medicine, our food supply, all of it.”

A furtive glance in Tanaka’s direction is not encouraging. He’s glowering, eyes hooded.

“We barely know him,” Tanaka hisses. You have to privately agree.

“We barely know each other,” Ukai shoots back. “We’ve been here, what, three months?”

“He hasn’t even been on a patrol yet and you want him helping us make important decisions that affect everyone, including the kids?”

“That’s unfair, and you know it, Tanaka,” Takeda says patiently, but somehow reproachfully at the same time. “Kuroo has been in no condition to patrol. The man was emaciated.”

Takeda continues, levying everyone at the table with a stern face.

“We all trust each other now because we took the gamble and brought people in and allowed time to prove it. It was always a risk, and it will always be a risk, but we can’t let that stop us. What we’re doing here is more important than just working together to survive.”

It’s a flowery, nice sentiment, to be expected from a literature teacher, and you barely hold back a snort at Ukai’s warning look.

“None of this matters,” you cut in. “Takeda’s right. And so is Kiyoko. He could be a huge help to you specifically, Tanaka, and he’s getting better every day but we have to give him time before he’s physically ready. You saw him when we brought him in – he was skin and bones.”

Tanaka subsides into grumbling acceptance and you take it as a win.

Daichi returns with Kuroo in tow just minutes later, and if Kuroo is at all confused, he doesn’t show it. He folds himself into a chair, all long limbs and wide feet.

The problems are laid out on the table again. You watch as Kuroo absorbs it, eyes narrowed, flicking sometimes to the map on the wall.

“Frankly, I wish we were in an apartment building,” Tanaka reveals after an hour of debating the best way to acquire livestock.

You sigh, rubbing the heel of your hand into your eyes hard enough to see colors. You know it’s not Tanaka’s fault, that he’s saying out loud something you’d privately thought before. That the electrical systems in apartment buildings would be much easier for him to coax into submission.

But you’re tired. Kiyoko is rubbing the old wound on her shoulder again, Ukai’s fingers are tapping a loud rhythm on the table, and Daichi is watching you lose your mind with that same placid smile in place.

“I wish the apocalypse didn’t happen and we all didn’t have nightmares every damn night, but here we are,” you snap. “I wish we were all cozy in furnished apartments right now, too, and I wish we didn’t have to talk about these things.”

You wish the children didn’t have to hold knives, you wish Suga would stop forcing you to eat, you wish you could forget your mother’s laugh, you wish and wish and wish.

Tanaka’s mouth is open and Daichi is sighing, rubbing a hand over his face. Kuroo’s eyes are expressionless and he just looks like he’s waiting, though for what, you can’t even begin to guess.

You find that you don’t have the energy to regret the words, so you barrel on.

“The apartment buildings are stacked with nightstalkers. It would take weeks to clear even one out, and we would lose people. Guaranteed. We lost one person clearing this prison out and that —”

You’re cut off by a strange choking noise in your throat. The memory of Ennoshita is sweet, cloying, poisonous. Takeda looks pale and strained at the mention of it. His last student.

Your voice is pitched low when you manage to blink away traitorous tears. The sound of your chair scraping is loud and grating against your ears as you stand. They all watch you silently. Waiting.

“Ennoshita is buried here,” you say and the surprise on their faces is almost insulting. “So is Ayasaki’s little girl. We have a life here, one we built and fought for. The kids love it here, it’s as safe as it can get, and it’s isolated from the turf wars in the city. You know why we chose this place, you were part of the vote that decided it, Tanaka.”

Deep breath in. Out.

“I know I’m asking for a lot, but it’s necessary, and we’re all up to the task simply because we have to be.”

As far as motivational speeches go, you’re sure this is ranked pretty low. But Daichi straightens and Kuroo’s eyes are gleaming as he stares at you. Kiyoko is almost smiling and you take that into both of your hands and hold on for dear life.

“I have to protect them.”

Everyone in the room opens their mouth at pretty much the same time but Ukai beats them all to the punch with his lazy drawl.

“You’re a moron,” he sneers. “An absolute idiot if you think you’re doing any of this alone. Now run along and get some breakfast before Suga drags you there by your hair.”

~~~

It doesn’t surprise you when Kiyoko finds you later, on the roof, scribbling half-mad ideas into a plain notebook. She always knows where to find you.

“I think you should stay home tomorrow,” she says without preamble. The word home nearly sends you stumbling off the roof.

“Why? Am I dying and I don’t know it?” you ask dryly. The look she levels at you nearly makes your heart stop.

“We agreed to let Kuroo go tomorrow,” she explains, settling into the spot next to you, peering curiously at the notebook in your hand. “But you haven’t been sleeping and we can’t afford to lose you because you’re too tired to stand properly.”

You scowl. Damn the four eyes. Her and Takeda know too much for their own good.

“I’m fine,” you wave a hand dismissively. “I’ll get some rest tonight, promise.”

She let’s the matter go, which is a point for you, but you watch warily as she opens her mouth again.

“Tanaka is looking for you.”

A sigh.

“I should apologize.”

“That’s what he said.”

A laugh, short and barking, escapes you. Kiyoko smiles at the sound.

“We’re all such idiots.”

[porkchop-ao3]

A Thrill I’ve Never Known (Chapter 15)

Slow

We’re 15 chapters in; here’s a sprinkling of action... a very fine, stingy sprinkling. I did say this story was going to be slow burn lmao :’) 

(All chapters tagged with #ATINK and also posted on Ao3, username PorkChop)

 -

Arthur and I had sat ourselves down underneath a tree, he was leaning up against it and had taken his hat off to give me a good view of his face. I sat a few feet away in front of him, holding the paper he'd given me from his journal and a book about wildflowers and herbs that he'd given me to lean on. I observed him for a while as he settled, getting comfortable. He looked a little shy all of a sudden with my eyes on him, but he didn't say anything and just looked out towards where Rayna and Jet were grazing. 

When he was ready and seemed to have relaxed, I started sketching out some guidelines. I started with a light oval shape and a few lines to place his eyes, nose and mouth, then worked lightly as I started mapping out his features. I went over the same place a few times until I got the shapes as close as I could, slowly warming my wrist up and getting my artist's eyes back. When I drew for a while I would start to see things differently. Back when I'd draw myself the image in the mirror would turn into a collection of lines and shapes that could be more easily replicated than a face, but when I was drawing Arthur I could not lose his image. I was constantly reminded of who I was drawing; it required a little more effort and focus, but it was good practice. 

It certainly threw me back into the water when it came to drawing again. 

It was an interesting experience being able to really stare at him in a context where it was entirely appropriate to do so. I noticed things about him that I hadn't before; the scar on his chin, the dimple on the tip of his nose, the slight signs of his age in the form of creases around his eyes. All it served to do was make him even more attractive to me, and my hand would shake a little each time he met my eyes. 

My drawing certainly wasn't anything to write home about. I supposed you could tell that it was him but things were a little off; his eyes were definitely too big, his chin was too small, he was certainly better looking in the flesh, but it wasn't a terrible drawing. I worked on the shading, darkening the side of his face furthest from me where it was in shadow and put a little more detail into his eyes. Gosh, his eyes. I'd never be able to do them justice with a stick of graphite but I sure did enjoy trying. The longer I drew for, the more relaxed Arthur seemed to become and he kept his eyes on me more often than not. 

If felt strangely intimate, just sitting and drawing him, sharing eye contact as a breeze rolled through the grass. It was peaceful, too, with the sounds of tree branches rustling and songbirds flying overhead. It was lovely, really, and I found myself threatening to overwork my drawing simply so I could drag it out for longer. With a soft sigh I looked between Arthur and his graphite impression, pursing my lips. 

"I think I've worked on this all I can," I told him. "I guess it's okay, though it's not going to hang on anyone's wall."

"Did you enjoy making it?" He asked me and I nodded without hesitation.

"I really did," I grinned. 

"If you enjoyed it, that's all that matters," he said, putting his hat back on. 

"Thank you for sitting for me, you're an excellent model," I told him, resulting in a bashful chuckle. 

"If you say so."

I paused for a moment, looking down at my drawing and thinking about my next words. 

"Do you wanna see it?" I finally asked, nervous to see his reaction but wanting to share it all the same. 

"Really? I'd love to. Only if you're happy to share," he said. I turned the drawing around and tilted it towards him. Arthur looked at it, then moved away from the tree to scoot closer to me. 

Arthur studied the drawing for a moment, an unreadable expression on his face. 

"Wow, I ain't never seen a drawing of myself before," he noted, leaning in closer. With how I was holding the drawing it meant his head was above my lap, so close to me. "You did a good job, looks like me!"

"You think? I reckon I did you a little injustice," I snorted, flushing a little. 

"What'chu mean? Looks fine to me."

"You're better looking than that," I assured him and he glanced up at me. He only leaned back just a little when he noticed how close he was. He looked a little stunned, like he didn't know how to respond; so I saved him the trouble. "You got any tips for me?"

"Oh, I don't think it's my place. I'm hardly an expert," he said, looking back down at the drawing. 

"You're more skilled than I am, I'd say that makes you qualified enough. I'd appreciate the advice, since I'd like to draw more often," I said, watching Arthur run his thumb along his bottom lip. "Please?”

"Alright. I'm not really sure what to say, you've clearly got skill already but I guess if I was gonna give you some advice…” he trailed off and paused for just a moment. 

"I noticed as you were drawing, you tend to go over the same place over and over, I see what you're doing, I do it myself. You're feeling out the line," he pointed out the edge of his nose in the drawing as an example. "But you do it real quick every time, trying to get the line right in one quick stroke. Sometimes you gotta slow down a little, guide the pencil down slow as you look at what you're trying to draw. Either that or you do a series of shorter strokes, go in stages. Take a little pressure off yourself, take your time."

"Oh, I see what you mean," I nodded, turning the drawing to have a look at it myself. "That's definitely something I tend to do, the quick lines. It's sort of like I'm taking a stab in the dark and hoping it looks right," I laughed. 

"There's nothing wrong with it, it just might save you some hassle if you slow it down."

"Right," I agreed, absorbing his words. "Thank you, Arthur. Anything else?"

"Just keep at it," he shrugged his shoulders and looked up at me. "I'll keep my eye out for a sketchbook for you. Then maybe we can do this more often; come out and do some drawing together.”

"I'd really like that," I told him, failing to keep the grin from spreading across my face. Arthur was still so close, his eyes studied my face for a while, a certain warmth appearing in them.

"Yeah, me too," his voice was quiet and smooth, and he wasn't moving away. He was close enough for me to hear his breath and feel it too, and I was a little embarrassed to realise that must mean he'd notice my own breath pick up. 

Arthur licked his lips, glanced down at my mouth and a spike of hot, bright anticipation lit up my body. I was frozen still and yet he tilted his head and edged forwards. Something was about to happen, something that'd never happened to me and all I could do was sit there and panic on the inside. From my lips, his eyes moved back up to my eyes and he seemed to see something in them – probably the panic – because just like that, his head tilted back down to my drawing. He let out a breath, sort of like an awkward laugh mixed with a sigh, then he sat back to give me some space. 

What? No! No, no, no!

Had I imagined all of that? Was he actually just looking at a chunk of something stuck in my teeth? Probably. 

Idiot.

"I'm sorry, I–” he started, pausing to take out the pocket watch I'd gifted him. "I should be heading towards Valentine, I reckon." 

"Oh, of course. I'm sorry to have kept you," I said, clearing my throat and holding out his pencil and book. He took them from me very carefully, like he was conscious of avoiding contact with my skin.

"Nonsense, this was nice," he told me, then rose to his feet. I stood up too, quickly, so that he wouldn't feel obligated to offer his hand to help me up. "I'm sorry we never got to find that oleander."

"It's okay, I'll probably stick around here and look for some, since I'm already here." 

"You sure? And you'll be okay on your own?" He queried and I gave him a look. He remembered he was speaking to little miss lone wolf and chuckled. "That was dumb, I'm sorry."

I dismissed his concerns with a shake of my head. "Thank you for riding out with me, and for the paper and the art lesson."

"The pleasure's all mine, my lady," he dipped his head a little.

We stood facing each other for a few moments, not quite meeting each other's eyes. Something hung in the air and I was starting to think that perhaps I wasn't just imagining things; in which case, how disappointing that things hadn't unfolded in the way they seemed to have been going. He and I could've been rolling around in the grass together, his lips on mine, by now. 

"Uhh, anyway. I best be getting back to it. I'll see you back at camp," he eventually said, reaching out to give my upper arm a gentle squeeze and caress. I certainly didn't mind those little touches of his.

"Sure, see you later," I replied, my voice sounding much sadder than intended.

"You look after yourself, alright?"

"Will do. You too," I nodded. He gave me a little smile before slowly making his way over to the horses. He walked oddly, like he wasn't certain he was going in the direction he wanted; each foot being placed awkwardly and hesitantly. He turned and looked back at me as he went, and for lack of knowing what to do I gave him a silly wave, which he returned. 

He mounted Jet, giving me a final nod before setting off, leaving me to stand there watching him go… feeling like I wanted to punch something; preferably my own face. How could something have come so close and yet crumbled to dust so easily? Maybe if I had looked a little less terrified, maybe if I had leaned in too, maybe if I had said something when he looked back at me just then, maybe, maybe, maybe. 

With a quiet whine I stomped over to Rayna, putting my drawing of Arthur away in the saddlebag before mounting up. 

"How awkward did that look from over here, girl?" I whispered to her, patting her neck. She shook out her mane, and I wasn't sure what to make of that. 

With a wistful sigh I headed back to the trail, going in the opposite direction to Arthur to head towards Bayou Nwa, on a quest to find some oleander. 

-

When I rode back into camp that evening, saddlebags stocked with Charles' oleander, I noticed things looked sparse. Bedrolls were packed up, fires were out, some tents were already gone and others in the process of being pulled down. I dismounted my horse and jogged over to Dutch who was in his tent, speaking with Hosea. 

"What's happening, Dutch? Where's Arthur?" I asked him, worry creeping into my tone. Dutch looked up at me and sighed like I was an inconvenience, though perhaps that's all I was.

"Arthur has gone with Charles to scout out our new camp. We're moving."

"Why? Did something happen?"

"Of course something happened, now, I ain't got time for this so you can either clear off on your nag, or stick around and help us! It's time for you to choose your loyalties, I don't care either way," he snapped at me, clearly extremely stressed out, before getting up and stomping past me. 

I watched him go with widened eyes before turning back to Hosea who had a sad look about him.

"Don't take it personally, my dear, he's had a lot on his plate as of late," he told me wearily. I glanced in Dutch's direction before meeting Hosea's eyes again. "Though, he has a point. If you're going to leave us, now's the time to do it. No one'll be counting heads."

"And no one'll miss me, huh?" I chuckled, not taking it to heart. Hosea gave me a look, one that said that wasn't what he meant and I knew it.

"You're more than welcome to come with us. You've been a hard worker, but it's entirely up to you. I won't try to convince you either way," he continued, speaking through a sigh before rising to his feet and moving past me.

"Thanks, Hosea," I spoke after him. He paused to look over his shoulder at me and we shared a look for a few moments, a comforting smile passed between us before he left. 

I took a deep breath and turned, marching towards Susan. 

"Miss Grimshaw? Point me towards someone who needs my help."

[athena-athena]

If I Should Go Before You (Yondu x Reader)

A/N: I wrote this about a month ago, but I was posting the Ravager Christmas story at the time, so I decided to wait until I was finished with that to post this one... and then I forgot about it.  Better late than never, right?  :)  And I have a Yondu x Reader request that I’ve almost finished, so I’ll probably be posting that one in a couple of days.  

Tagged:  @animeaniseed  @celticheart72 @misfitgirlwrites  (Let me know if you’d like to be added to my tagged list!)  

If you’d prefer to read on AO3, I use the same username there.

Warnings:  None, really.  A little angst; an injury.

“So when are we leaving?” you asked Yondu, as you watched him working on his holopad.

“Well, me an’ the crew are leavin’ in the mornin’, but yer stayin’ right here.”

“What are you talking about?  I can help!”

“No way, it’s too dangerous,” he replied, without even looking up at you.

“I can handle it. I’m not totally helpless, you know.”

“I know ya ain’t, but ya still ain’t goin’ with us, an’ that’s final.”

“I can’t believe this.  Why are you treating me like a child?  What was the point of me doing all that training and learning to use weapons if I’m never allowed to go on a mission?”

“Ya learned all that to be able to defend yerself in an emergency, not to go lookin’ fer trouble.”

“I’m not looking for trouble, I just want to help!”

“My answer is no, an’ I don’t wanna hear no more about it.”  He finally looked at you, and you could tell his mind was already made up.  

“But, Yondu...”

“No!”

“Fine! But don’t expect me to be sitting here waiting for you when you come back.”

“An’ just what is that supposed to mean?”

“I think you know what it means,” you said,  as you spun on your heel and walked angrily to your room.”

“Y/N, get back here!  Y/N!”

Slamming your door, you crossed the room and threw yourself on your bed.  He was infuriating.  You couldn’t believe he was refusing to let you go.  You knew you could help.  You trained every day and could handle your weapons, and it wasn’t like you wanted to have to use them, but you felt so useless being stuck on the ship while everyone else went out on missions.  You wanted to pull your weight as part of the crew.

Sighing, you sat up and rubbed your face.  You decided to take a long, hot shower to try to calm down, and, though you’d never admit it,  you pettily hoped that you’d use all the hot water before Yondu took a shower.  Once the water was cold, you put on your pajamas and crawled into bed.

You turned off the bedside lamp and rolled to your side.  A few minutes later, you heard the door open and Yondu whispered, “Ya still awake, Y/N?”

You ignored him and focused on keeping your breathing even.  He finally sighed and you heard him walk into the bathroom and get into the shower.

“Dammit, girl!” he yelled as the icy water hit him.  You smirked as you listened to him grumble.  A small part of you felt bad that he had to take a cold shower, but the petty part of you still thought he deserved it.

He was still grumbling when he slid into bed ten minutes later.  You kept your back to him until you felt his ice-cold feet touch yours. You scrambled to sit up, and yelled, “Geez, Yondu!  Your feet are like ice cubes!”

“Well, no wonder, considerin’ I just had ta take the galaxy’s coldest shower.  The least ya can do is warm me up.”

“No, thank you,” you replied, lying back down and turning your back to him once more.

You heard him mumbling under his breath, but didn’t respond.  You had never fought with Yondu before – oh, you’d had little squabbles, but you’d never gone to bed mad at each other, and you didn’t like it.  You were still too angry to try to fix things, though.

You slept fitfully, and when you awoke the next morning, you realized Yondu was already gone.  You were surprised at first – Yondu never left without kissing you goodbye – but then you remembered the fight, and got angry all over again.

Who did he think he was, telling you that you couldn’t go?

He’s the Captain, it’s his job to tell you what you can and can’t do on his ship.

Scowling, you ignored the logical part of your brain.  You threw back your blankets, jumped out of bed, and hurriedly dressed and brushed your teeth.  There was a chance they hadn’t left yet, and you had a plan.  Admittedly, it was a tiny germ of a plan, with absolutely no thought put into it, but it was a plan, nonetheless.  You were going to sneak onboard.  You’d show Yondu that you could hold your own, and then maybe next time he’d allow you to go without you having to sneak around.

After pulling your hair up into the messiest bun imaginable, you grabbed your quad blaster and slipped it into the holster on your hip, then slowly opened the door leading to the hall and peeked out, looking both ways.  The coast was clear, so you quietly made your way to the hangar bay.  You weren’t yet sure which crew member’s m-ship you would stow away on, but you figured you’d just hop onto the closest unguarded one.

When you finally arrived at the entrance to the hangar bay, you realized Yondu was standing right inside with a group of Ravagers, giving them some last-minute instructions about the mission.  You slid to a stop, and quickly retraced your steps, slipping into the nearest empty room while you decided what to do next.

If Yondu caught you anywhere near the hangar bay, he’d know exactly what you were up to, and he’d probably have one of the Ravagers guard you until he and the others left.  But you had to get closer so you’d be able to hear when it was safe to make a run to one of the ships.  Otherwise you might as well give up and go back to bed.  You were tempted, for a fleeting moment, to do just that, but then you remembered how badly you wanted to prove Yondu wrong, so you steeled yourself and crept out of your hiding place.

You no longer heard Yondu talking as you approached the entrance to the hangar bay this time, but you still hesitated outside the door.  You could hear engines starting up, and knew that you were running out of time.  Slowly peeking your head around the door, you realized everyone was already onboard their M-ships with the doors closed – except for one.  There was one at the back, on the far side of the bay, that still had its rear entrance door open.  You weren’t sure whose ship it was, and didn’t care, as long as it wasn’t Yondu’s, and you quickly ran towards it, hoping against hope that no one could see you.  Once on board, you found a hiding place behind some empty crates – ready to be filled with booty from the mission, no doubt – and tried to catch your breath.

You heard someone come stomping onto the ship, though you couldn’t tell who it was, then heard the rear doors close and the engine start up. You’d done it!  You’d never actually thought you’d be able to sneak aboard without being caught, and you were feeling pretty smug until you realized that since you weren’t officially supposed to be here, you’d missed the mission briefing.  Oops.  Yondu always went over the plan for the mission with the whole group before they even left the Eclector so everyone would know what to expect, and what he expected out of them.  They would each have their own jobs to do, and he expected them to do them perfectly.  Oh well, you’d just have to play it by ear.

After about thirty minutes, you felt the ship start to descend, causing your stomach to flutter with nerves.  You still had to be careful not to be spotted by Yondu.  If he saw you while they were still near the ships, he’d make you stay behind, and you hadn’t made it this far only to be kept locked on an M-ship.

You waited until you heard the unknown Ravager walk to the rear entrance and open the door, then quietly crept out of your hiding place and ran for the exit.  The Ravager – you realized it was Oblo – was standing right outside, but he had his back to you, and with the noise from the other ships’ engines, he couldn’t hear you sneak off the ship.  You ran to the opposite side of the ship and leaned your back against it, hoping no one walked around this side.

Hardly believing you’d made it this far, you smiled to yourself in triumph.  You’d show Yondu you could take care of yourself – this would be a piece of cake.  You heard the men gathering a few ships over, and carefully made your way closer so you could hear what was being said.

Yondu was talking to the crew, and part of you longed to go throw your arms around him, but the stubborn part of you still wanted to prove him wrong.  You crept a little closer so that you could see the group of Ravagers, but stayed back far enough so that hopefully no one could see you.

Yondu finished up his speech and the group broke off into three smaller, obviously prearranged, groups.  

“Kraglin, you and yer group go in first.  Let me know when y’all reach the checkpoint, and then I’ll send in the second group.”

“Aye, Cap’n.” Kraglin saluted, and led his group cautiously to the entrance of a cave.

You had been so worried about getting here and not getting caught, that you hadn’t taken the time to observe your surroundings yet – a major failing that Yondu would surely have berated you for, had he known.

Looking around, you realized you were on a barren-looking planet, mostly covered by large, craggy rocks.  There were no buildings that you could see, and you wondered where you were and what Yondu’s mission could possibly be.

“We’re here, Cap’n,” came the sound of Kraglin’s voice from Yondu’s wrist communicator.

“Stay outta sight, an’ wait fer my signal,” Yondu replied.  “Tullk, y’all next.”

Tullk’s group headed into the cave, and you cursed under your breath.  You were hoping Yondu’s group would go next so you could leave with the last group.  There was no way he wouldn’t spot you following behind him now, and it wasn’t too late for him to send you back to the m-ships.  You’d just have to try to keep a little distance between you and his group, at least until you were inside.

“We’re in position, Cap’n,” came Tullk’s voice.

“Good, we’re on our way in.”  He turned to the remaining Ravagers and said, “Stay close together, watch yerselves, and whatever ya do, don’t make any noise.”

You thought he was asking rather a lot, considering Ravagers weren’t known for being graceful and quiet.  You also thought it was odd that he’d even need to give that warning – of course they should be quiet.  His group had almost reached the cave entrance, and you decided it was now or never.  You silently crept forward after them, only picking up speed once all of the Ravagers were inside. You peered around the entrance to the cave to be sure they hadn’t stopped right inside, but realized they were farther ahead of you than you’d thought.  Feeling suddenly vulnerable, you hurried to catch up, making sure to keep a little distance between yourself and Narblik, who was bringing up the rear.  

Dark passages opened up on either side of you as you followed the group down the main path, giving you an eerie feeling.  You felt like you were being watched, and expected an arm to reach out from within one of the passages to grab you at any moment.  You wished you could catch up with Yondu – you would feel much safer with him by your side – but, unfortunately, if you popped up beside him right now, he probably wouldn’t greet you the way you’d want.  Trying to ignore the eerie passages, you moved a little closer to the group.  

Yondu held up a hand to wordlessly halt the others.  You were stopped right beside one of the dark passages, and you tried to ignore it, but you couldn’t help imagining all sorts of creepy creatures who could be hiding right inside, just waiting to grab you.  You shuffled forward a little more, accidentally kicking a small rock, which hit Narblik’s boot, causing him to spin around to face you, a laser cannon aimed at your face.

“Narblik, it’s me,” you frantically whispered, holding up your hands.  

The next thing you knew, Yondu was right in front of you, and the expression on his face told you exactly how he felt about your little stunt.  

“What in tha name a the galaxy are ya doin’ here, Y/N?” he whispered. He was whispering, but you knew if it wasn’t for the circumstances, he’d be yelling.  

You suddenly realized just how stupid your whole idea had been, and you especially regretted it when you saw the anger in Yondu’s eyes.  

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to help,” you whispered, feeling exceedingly foolish.  You considered running down one of the dark passages just to get away from Yondu’s disappointment, but he had a tight grasp on your arm.

He rubbed his face with his free hand, then sighed angrily, and said, “It’s too late ta send ya back to my ship now.  Jus’ stay in the middle of the group an’ try to stay outta trouble.  I’ll deal with ya when we get back to the Eclector.”  

You nodded, avoiding his eyes.  You were not looking forward to that conversation.  

He pulled you into the center of the group, and said, “Y’all let anything happen to her, and I’ll kill ever’ last one of ya.”

He returned to the front of the group, and you stared at his back.  He looked so tense now, and you hated that you’d caused that.  He motioned the group forward, and you slowly walked ahead, surrounded by the other Ravagers.  You definitely should have stayed in bed this morning.  

The main path suddenly opened up into a wide cavern, with a towering ceiling glittering with small jewels.  You noticed that the walls of the cavern were also sparkling with jewel-bright stones, but there was one large jewel sitting on a pedestal in the center of the room that outshone the others.  You gasped, then covered your mouth with your hand, remembering Yondu’s warning to stay quiet.  

Yondu lifted his wrist communicator to his mouth and whispered, “Kraglin, how’s it lookin’?”

“Can’t see nothin’ from here, Cap’n.  No sign of anyone.”

“Good. We’re movin’ in.  Lemme know if ya see anyone comin’.”

“Aye, Cap’n.”

Yondu turned to the group behind him, and quietly said, “Remember the plan.  Kraglin an’ Tullk’s groups are on the other side of the cavern watchin’ out.  If they send the warnin’, get back to this passage.”

You weren’t sure why he was telling them to run instead of fight if something happened, but you didn’t have much time to dwell on it, because his next words were aimed at you.  “Don’t ya dare leave Narblik’s side, ya hear me?”  

“Yes,” you mumbled, staring at the ground.  You felt Narblik move next to you, and then Yondu ordered him, “An’ if somethin’ goes wrong, you get her outta here, I don’t care if ya gotta pick her up an’ throw her over yer shoulder.”

You scowled at him as he turned to face the cavern again.

“Let’s go,” he ordered.

Narblik was walking so close to you that he kept bumping into your side, and you barely restrained yourself from shoving him away.  He was clearly worried about Yondu’s wrath if something happened to you.  The group started to spread out around the glowing jewel in the center of the room, while Yondu and Horuz approached it.  Half of the Ravagers were facing the dark passageways, and the other half were circling around Yondu and Horuz, all looking on edge with their weapons drawn. Narblik had his back to the stone, with his weapon aimed at one of the dark passages.  You drew your quad blaster, as well.  Their edginess was starting to rub off on you, and you were feeling decidedly uneasy.  

Suddenly a sharp clang echoed around the cavern and your head jerked in the direction you thought it had originated.  You saw Gef looking horrified as he stared at the large metal sculpture he had apparently just knocked over.  You heard shouts issuing from one of the passages, and turned in time to see Kraglin and his group running out.  

“They’re comin’, Cap’n,” he yelled.  You guessed the time to be quiet was over.  

Yondu cursed, then whistled, his arrow flying out of its holster to hover next to his head.  He briefly met your eyes, and you saw fear in them, fear for you, and in that moment, you hated yourself for giving him another reason to be stressed about this mission that was so clearly going wrong.  

Tullk’s group ran out of a passage on the left side of the cavern, and all three groups merged into one in the center of the room.  

You could hear unintelligible yelling coming from somewhere, and you strained your ears to figure out exactly where it was coming from. It sounded like it was coming from everywhere, and the closer it got, the better you could hear snarling and howling mixed in with the high-pitched yelling.

“Get to the main passage!” Yondu yelled.  Narblik grabbed your arm and started pulling you to the passage as the other Ravagers pushed and shoved in their hurry to escape.  You turned in time to see a swarm of tiny creatures running out of the passages.  They looked like little goblins, and they were fast.  They carried long spears, twice as tall as the creatures themselves, and they hurled them with unexpected speed and startling accuracy.  

You heard Yondu’s whistle and knew he was trying to kill as many as he could, but you could tell it was useless.  There were just too many of them.  A few of the other Ravagers were firing at the goblins, trying to hold them back while the rest escaped.  You desperately kept turning your head to try to see Yondu behind you, but Narblik was relentless in pulling you to safety.  Finally you caught a glimpse of him.  He wasn’t running, and you realized he was still trying to get that stupid jewel.  At that moment, Narblik tripped, and you used his distraction to rip your arm from his grasp.  You ran back towards Yondu, shoving through the escaping Ravagers.  You fired your quad blaster at a goblin that was aiming its spear at Yondu’s back, and Yondu spun around to see you.

“Y/N! Get out of here!”

You continued firing your blaster.  You were not leaving him in here, even if he was stupid enough to risk his life for a jewel.  

“Yondu, come on!  Forget that blasted jewel!”  

You ducked to avoid getting hit by a spear, then fired your blaster at two more goblins who were running towards you.  

You heard Yondu yell your name, then felt a searing pain in your upper leg.  You stumbled forward and looked down to realize you’d been hit by a spear.  You fell to the ground, screaming, and cradled your leg.  It felt like it was on fire, and the room was already starting to go hazy.  You barely noticed that the other Ravagers had returned to the battle, running around you as you continued to scream, rocking back and forth as you held your leg.  You were suddenly aware that you had been scooped up into someone’s arms.  You tried to open your bleary eyes to see who your rescuer was, but you couldn’t manage it.  You were so sleepy all of a sudden.  Your leg was on fire, and you just wanted to sleep.  You tried once more to open your eyes, but gave up.

“Hold on, Y/N, I gotcha.  Don’t ya dare die on me, ya hear me?  Stay with me, Y/N!”  

“Yondu...” you whispered, before you fell into darkness.

*****

You felt like you were floating in darkness, your body on fire, and you could only hear snippets of voices.

“Sir, you need to wait out here.”

“I ain’t waitin’ out here, I’m stayin’ with her!”

You tried calling out to Yondu, but your voice wouldn’t work. Why couldn’t you talk?  

“Sir, I’m sorry, but we’ve got to act quickly, and you need to stay here.”

“C’mon, Cap’n, let ‘em do their job, she’ll be okay.” Kraglin.

You tried so hard to let them know you were there, that you were fine, but you couldn’t.  Don’t leave me, Yondu… was your last thought before you were once again swallowed by the darkness.

*****

You slowly opened your eyes, blinking against the light.  You were lying in a bed in a room you didn’t recognize.  You started to panic, until you realized Yondu was sitting in a chair next to your bed, his head resting on his chest, but his hand still holding yours.  He looked exhausted, and you hated to wake him.  You squeezed his hand gently, but even that slight movement had him jerking awake.  When he saw your eyes open, he leaned closer to you, and whispered, “Hey, darlin’.”  

“Hey, Yondu,” you replied, in a dry and scratchy voice.  “What happened?  Where are we?”

“Ya got hit by one a those blasted poisoned spears.  We’re in a hospital on Xandar.”

“Xandar?”

“Closest planet with a hospital. Didn’t think we’d make it back to the Eclector.”  He cleared his throat, and you could see tears in his eyes.

The events of the mission were starting to come back to you in bits and pieces, and you remembered how much trouble you’d caused.  

You started to cry, as you whispered, “I’m so sorry, Yondu.  I shouldn’t have gone, I should have listened to you…”

“Shhh, it’s okay.  I ain’t mad at ya.  Yer gonna be fine, that’s all that matters.”

You nodded, still silently crying. Yondu brushed your cheek with his free hand, then gave a tired grin, and said, “But ya better listen to me from now on.”  

You gave a hiccuping laugh, and replied, “I’ll try.”

He leaned over and kissed your cheek. “Get some rest now, darlin’, yer safe.”

The next time you woke up, Yondu was nowhere to be seen, but Kraglin was sitting in the chair next to your bed.  

“Where’s Yondu?”

Kraglin looked up at the sound of your voice.  “He’ll be right back.  Jus’ had to go talk to one a the healers.  Ya feelin’ okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.  I’m really thirsty, though.”

“Oh, here.”  He poured a cup of water out of a pitcher that was sitting on the table next to him, then helped you drink it.  

“Thanks.”

“No problem,” he replied, placing the cup back on the table, and sitting down in the chair again.  “Cap’n was real upset, ya know.”

“I know he was mad at me,” you said in a small voice, picking at the thin sheet that was covering you.

“Mad? Nah, he was worried sick.  He didn’t think ye was gonna make it.  Never seen ‘im so scared.  We barely got back to the ship in time.  ‘Nother five minutes without that antidote, an’ ya’d be dead right now.  Luckily the Cap’n was prepared.  Knew we was probably gonna be dealin’ with those nasty goblins, so he had us all carry a capsule of the antidote in our pockets.  Only problem was we couldn’t give it to ya ‘til we got to the ship, ‘cause there was too many a them goblins around.”

“Did everyone else make it back okay?”

“Oh, yeah, we was all fine.  A few got some bumps an’ scratches, but nobody else got hit by a spear.  Jus’ real unlucky that ye got hit.  Coulda been worse, though.”

The door opened, and you turned your head to see Yondu walk in, carrying a tray of food.

“Thought ya might be hungry when ya woke up.”

He walked over, placed the tray of food on the small, swiveling table next to your bed, and helped maneuver it so you could reach it.

“Thank you,” you smiled at him.

“Yer welcome.  Kraglin, ya can head back to the ship now.  I ain’t plannin’ on leavin’ again tonight.”

“Aye, Cap’n.  See ya later, Y/N.”

“Bye, Kraglin.”  

Yondu sat in the chair that Kraglin had just vacated, then scooted it closer to your bedside.

“You need to go back to the ship, too, Yondu.  You look exhausted.  You need to rest.”

“Nah, I ain’t leavin’ ya in here by yerself.”

“I’ll be fine, the healers will take care of me.”

“Ferget it, I ain’t goin’ nowhere.  Now eat yer food.”

Obediently, you took a bite of your meal.  You weren’t really hungry, but he’d gone to all the trouble to get it for you, and you felt like you owed him at least that much.

“Is it good?”

“Yeah, it’s great,” you assured him.

“Good.”  

You took a few more bites, then felt him looking at you.  

“Why are you staring at me?”

“Wha’?  I ain’t starin’.”

You pointed your fork at him, and said, “Yes, you were.”

He grinned, caught, and said, “Fine, I’s starin’.  Jus’ happy to see ya awake and talkin’.”  His smile fell, and he continued, “Fer a while, I didn’t think I’d ever see that again.”

You felt tears well up in your eyes, and you put your fork down, pushing the rolling tray away from your bed.  You held out your arms to him, and he immediately leaned over you to envelop you in his arms.  

“Don’t ye ever scare me like that again, ya hear me?  I swear I can’t stand the thought a losin’ ya,” he whispered in your ear.

Crying freely now, you were lost for words, so you just held him tighter.

The door opened again, and Yondu straightened up.  A healer in a white uniform walked in, saw the two of you clearly in the middle of an emotional conversation, and walked backwards toward the door again. “I’ll come back later,” she stated, before closing the door quietly.

“Think yer cryin’ scared her.”

“I guess so,” you laughed, wiping your tears away.  You patted the bed next to your non-injured leg, and said, “Come on, you’re exhausted.  We can both get some rest until the healers come back.”

“Ya sure?  I don’t wanna get yer bed all messed up...”

“I don’t care, come here.”

He carefully climbed onto the bed beside you and wrapped his arms around you.  You snuggled into him as much as you could without moving your injured leg, and sighed.  “I love you, Yondu.”

“I love you, too, Y/N,” he replied, kissing your forehead gently.  When the healer returned twenty minutes later, she found the two of you fast asleep.  She crept back out, and quietly closed the door.