#anywho thanks for reading if you got this far 💜

[borathae]

Ok so HAVE YOU SEEN THE HAEGUM MV??!!!! FUCK ME SIDEWAYS!!! HOW IS HE SO HOT AND WHY WAS I THINKING OF SA!YOONGI THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME!!???

I have literally just watched it and HAD to dash over here to spill my thoughts, like gurrllllll...!!

Anyways, I have been reading MV and I'm so in love with it, I haven't been consistent with reviews because they would all just be the same of "omg" "amazing" "love it" and I believe you deserve more than a basic review like that.

So in lieu of a chapter review, here are my thoughts on the story as a whole so far:

OC and Yoongi -> adorable, I ship it, gimme a relationship like that please and thank you.

Tae -> BOY IF YOU DARE SLIP INTO YOUR OLD ASSHOLISH WAYS IFSTG Jungkook does NOT deserve you, grow a spine abeg.

Jimin -> excited to see how he progresses but also, low-key kinda wished he stayed dead, he's being a dick and pissing me off. HOWEVER, I'm loving the brutal honesty from him, refreshing for sure. This jealous man needs to get over himself, I get jealousy but dude, can't you see how happy your man is? He just loves love.

Jin and Emma -> yay! Some pure happiness and sunshine 💗

Hoseok -> I'm looking forward to seeing him make some waves soon. Also, pure sunshine.

Jungkook -> chin up baby. I wanna see him be thoroughly spoiled and loved by OC and Yoongi again because those were some of my favourite chapters in SA and I'm a greedy hoe that wants more.

All of Taes buddies -> trash, get te fuck. Ok but why did I imagine Henry Cavill as Charles? Just where my mind went 😅

Anywho, love everything as always and can't wait for more. Actually, cheeky question, and I'm sorry if I missed this info somewhere, do you have set days for when you upload chapters? Apologies if you have mentioned this and I've missed it ☺️

Keep doing you Sibi 💗

-🌸

HAVE I SEEN THE MUSIC VIDEO YOU ASK ME?? BESTIE I WATCHED IT FIVE TIMES ALREADY AFJDSJF I CAN'T FUCKING STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM like this just changed the trajectory of my life 😩😩 when he got water boarded afjads that shit did something to me and I'm scared to analyse it HAHAH

Also please drop in every single review you have even if it's just "amazing" or "fjasjdsfj" we authors love any kind of reaction to our stories no matter how short or long!! 💜

Jungkook -> chin up baby. I wanna see him be thoroughly spoiled and loved by OC and Yoongi again because those were some of my favourite chapters in SA and I'm a greedy hoe that wants more.

SAME OMFG FUCKIAGNDN SAME!!!!

All of Taes buddies -> trash, get te fuck. Ok but why did I imagine Henry Cavill as Charles? Just where my mind went 😅

HAHAHA BRUH I LOVE THAT HAHAHAH I actually imagined Evan Peters in AHS Hotel with his stupid ass beard HAHAHA like all I can see when I think of Charles is him in AHS hotel hahah

Also yes I do. I upload every Wednesday and Saturday 💜

[hexellent]

Whomp whomp Big ol vent under the cut, no need to read m’ just BLEH cuz yknow life and I don’t have a therapist yet lmao.

I am feeling far more anxious and shitty and depressed than usual. And while I know it’s my cycle making things worse than they are, I’m usually able to ignore it for the most part and this time I am very much struggling to do so.

It’s making me feel a lot of things I’m more than aware is not true but it sucks regardless.

On top of this I got a million life struggles that I’m trying to push my way through but it’s really starting to weigh me down and feel a little hopeless. I’m aware this is temporary, but being in this state of mind for well over a year kinda fucking sucks, and I really wish things weren’t so stressful.

Work drains me daily, I don’t get paid enough, everything’s expensive, I’m trying to move somewhere cheaper, etc etc. And I’m constantly worried about my roommate/best friend because she’s also deep in the shits with me but this is her first rodeo being aware of it.

and while I’m usually able to find a little bit of solace here, I fear the timing of said cycle on top of everything else, I worry I’m gonna start projecting all this insecurity and anxiety onto others. Which is in no way fair to them. I’ve done that in the past, years before I realized what my actual issues were, was able to get therapy and the right mix of medications. And I refuse to be that toxic person again and push people away. I cannot make other people responsible for my emotions and demand things like attention or validation from them.

Honesty just writing this feels bait-y and I hate it. But unfortunately I can’t process shit unless I talk about it, even if it’s to the void, cuz my brain fucking sucks and sometimes I need a sounding board or just a way to empty my brain somewhere and feel heard.

ANYWAY TLDR; I’m gonna be hella spotty for a few days I imagine, until this damn depression wave passes. I genuinely can’t get the energy nor motivation to write anything, and while that sucks, I’d rather come back to everyone with a clearer mind and pure intentions rather than seek attention for my own sake. I will likely be lurking and doing small shit but yah. (Plus I have mandatory overtime this weekend and I want to scream djsbdjwk)

Anywho if you read this far thanks for listening to my Big Sads thoughts. I’ll likely be okay in short time. 💜

[the-cosmic-gentle-giant]

TW : grooming

Hey there hun 💜💙 , I read somewhere that having Chiron in the the 5th in extreme cases could mean that said person was groomed as a child !!! Do you think having Chiron (5th house ) opposite mars (11th house) at orb 3° could be an indicator of being groomed as a child or in general ????

Thank you 💜💙

Hi. Sorry for dipping as long as I did. Life got real, real rough for a bit.

Anywho, Chiron in 5th may indicate wounds related to children, so I wouldn't say grooming specifically. This could be that you were bullied as kid by other kids, could have trauma related to kids via a sibling, cousin, niece, nephew or your own child who could have gone through a lot a kid or may have passed in their younger years.

Further it could also relate to being hesitant to be a parent or someone with this placement may have been accused of grooming. Either way, children are the source of the pain.

I wouldn't necessarily say being groomed as a child falls in this category unless Chiron aspects the moon or is in the 4th House, however it may be possible. Instead of this placement being the indicator of being groomed, I'd say it could indicate children a a trigger of sorts for past abuse potentially. Additional placements and synastry would be needed to paint the fuller picture as it's not wise to...make assumptions off of a singular placement.

As for the Chiron-Mars opposition, I would say it's likely they were groomed. Chiron-Mars in negative aspects may indicate sexual trauma in a natives so it's not far out of the realm of possibility as the 5th is involved. Considering the 11th is also involved, it could mean this sexual abuse or trauma originated from an orginization or took place in one as the 11th does rule organizations/group associations.

Sorry I took my sweet time answering and I hope this helps.

[gracetoldmeto]

Happy Death Day to my fav Wammy's boiz!!! I love you and I miss you both: Written about a month ago. This is a snippet of something HUGE that I'm planning. Dunno how far that'll be off, but while I work on it, this collection of scenes can stand alone for now. And Im massively proud of myself for this. This little story holds a special place in my heart even tho it's kinda sad...

Cause You'd be Dead Without Me

Read on Ao3

Mello x Matt: 2.2k -> the words flowed a little too well

WARNINGS: negetive self-talk and self-harm

Set in Wammy's House, the boys are about 12 here

If you liked this, read this

This is an exploration of how self-destructive Mello's coping mechnisms can be in his quest to beat Near, and how Matt responds to this

The loud tumble of textbooks falling woke Matt up from his sleep. His head jolted up searching for the cause of the sound and squinted his focused eyes toward Mello’s side of the room. The sleep in his eyes was making it hard for him to see, but he deduced that the blonde was indeed the source of the sound.

Mello sat at his desk facing toward the far wall, his back to Matt. His head was slumped over onto the top of the desk and his tensed shoulders were shaking ever so slightly. Clumps of his blond hair were entangled in the grips of his fingers. It almost looked as if he was trying to rip each hair out by the follicle.

“Mello?” Matt grumbled, groggily. “You okay?”

Mello froze. He hadn’t noticed Matt had awoken. He slowly sat up straight and combed his hair through but did not turn to face his friend. He just continued to stare at the far wall breathing deeply like he was trying to suppress something. Matt heard him take a deep breath and respond to his question with a “mmhm” which sounded way too sure of itself in comparison to the image Matt had woken up to.

But Matt remembered things like this had happened multiple times before and Mello had always seemed to be okay. So Matt lay back down and tried to go back to sleep. Matt knew Mello liked to study at night and didn’t want to get in Mello’s way of his attempts to surpass Near.

Mello sat impossibly still waiting for Matt to fall back asleep until he silently opened the drawer to his desk, gingerly palmed a small metallic rectangle and went to the bathroom.

Some time later, he returned to the room, concealing the object back in his desk, and continuing to study like nothing happened.

Matt woke up the next morning, late as usual, to Mello telling him he was going to miss classes. Matt groaned in acknowledgement and rolled himself off his bed in a fashion that was anything but graceful.

“Is it Friday, yet?” Matt asked, sleepily.

“No, but almost.” Mello replied. “It’s Thursday. We get to talk to L again today.”

Matt had totally forgotten. But perked up at Mello’s comment. “Oh right! I bet you’re excited, Mels! You’ve been wanting to talk to him again for months!”

Mello nodded. There was definitely some enthusiasm missing from that reply. But Matt had decided it was just because Mello was up so late studying. He carried on with his rushed routine to get ready for the day.

The students got to talk to L during their last class before lunch. Same typical lesson, Matt was listening but not as intently as his classmates. He was more focused on what Mello looked like while listening. There was something different about him today. Mello seemed on edge. Well, he had been lately, but he was never this on edge during a lesson from L. Normally it would bring the best of Mello’s confidence to the surface. Now it looked like it was debilitating him. “That’s what he gets for staying up all night,” Matt thought to himself.

The lesson ended and Matt made his way to the door to head to the cafeteria for lunch. He stopped in the doorway to wait for Mello. But the blonde seemed preoccupied trying to get few words in with L individually. Typical. Maybe Mello was fine after all. Just tired. Either way, Matt would be standing around for a while if he was to wait for his friend, so he left and made his way to lunch promising himself he’d save him an extra seat.

…

Mello needed a few words with L. He needed to ask what his plans were. Needed to see who he was looking at to succeed him. He needed to prove to him he was worthy.

“L!” Mello shoved his way to the front of the classroom pushing through the bodies of other kids on the way.

The laptop screen responded. “Mello,” L responded unsurprised. “Hello. I’ve come to expect your voice at the end of my talks. What do you require on this occasion?”

Mello huffed, annoyedly. L claimed he expected this, but he clearly was ignoring a very obvious pattern, and it irked Mello to the nth degree. Mello’s question never changed once. It was the same every time. Was L toying with him? Or was he testing him? No time to answer that now, he thought. Mello had to ask his important question.

“Has there been an update in your plans for who you will choose as your successor?” Mello articulated into the screen.

“Mello, my answer is the same as last time.” L replied. “Do you remember what the definition of insanity is?” L’s voice was tinted with the faintest hint of sarcasm that only Mello’s was able to pick up. And L knew that.

Mello gritted his teeth. “Don’t insult me! Time has passed meaning the variables aiding your decision may have changed. Speaking of which, have you seen the exam scores from today?”

“Yes, I have. Roger sent them over this morning. It seems that Near has outscored you once again.”

“What?” Mello gasped “There’s no way. I was up all night studying.”

L chuckled. “Well, if I was only looking at exam scores to choose a successor, it would make no sense for me to pick the second best. Especially if you did try your hardest. A shame really. It seems like Near may never be beaten.” A phone rang on L’s end of the call. “I’m sorry, I need to take this. Goodbye, Mello.”

The screen went dark. Mello could only stare. His stomach dropped, his heart shattered, he could not even bring himself to blink.

Roger closed the laptop and ushered a broken shell of what used to be Mello out into the hall, encouraging him to go to lunch. Mello left. On autopilot. Taking him to the only way he knew how to cope. No one followed him. This was the first time Rodger did not have to remove Mello from the room by force and he was so relieved by that fact he didn’t think twice that the blonde was indeed not headed for the cafeteria.

Mello did not go to lunch. Instead he made a b-line to retrieve an item from his desk.

…

Matt glanced at the clock. There was only 10 minutes left in lunch and Mello still had not made his way down. He’d been late to lunch on Thursdays before but never this late. Something must’ve been holding him up. Just as Matt was about to get up to look for his friend, he saw Mello reluctantly enter the cafeteria.

Mello looked absolutely terrible. He was as pale as a sheet. Matt ran over to him, and just in time too before Mello toppled over tripping on his own feet and losing his balance. Matt was barely able to lunge in time to keep Mello’s head from hitting the ground.

Mello let out a hitched laugh, half-heartily. “Sorry. Not feeling so good today.”

“No shit!” Matt said, before darting his eyes around the room to make sure none of the teachers heard him curse. When he determined the coast was clear, he took Mello’s arm over his shoulders. “Let’s get you to the nurse.”

Mello was overcome with a wave of panic and shoved Matt away, “No way, dude. I just need to eat is all. Go get me some orange juice or something, I think my blood sugar is all out of whack, I didn’t eat breakfast this morning.”

“Ok ok. Come on, I saved you a seat.”

Mello begrudgingly accepted Matt’s help to the table and sat down.

“Stay. I’m getting you something to eat.” Matt quickly left and returned with a full lunch. Half an egg salad sandwich, a cup of carrots, an apple, and a carton of orange juice. “I also saw this in the a-la-carte line.” Matt pulled out a chocolate pudding cup which was concealed in his pocket and placed it on the tray in front of his friend. “On me.” Matt smiled and winked.

“Oh really?” Mello rolled his eyes. That was his friend, the kleptomaniac. “Mail, you gotta stop doing that. You’re gonna get caught.”

“I don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about, Mels.” Matt smiled again.

But Mello did visibly perk up at the sight of the pudding cup. It didn’t even seem like he meant to. He stared at Matt with big genuine eyes and replied with a soft smirt, “…and I wonder why I keep you around, Jeevas.”

Matt giggled, “…cause you’d be dead without me.”

He had meant it as a joke.

Mello mumbled something under his breath that resembled the words “I know” but Matt knew there was no way Mello would ever say that. Right?

They finished their lunch in silence and after Mello had regained some of the color in his face and ignored Matt’s second plea to pay a visit to the nurse, they left the cafeteria to attend the second half of their classes for the day. Things seemed to continue as normal.

Later that night, Matt was once again woken up, but not by the tumble of books. It was storming outside, and a particularly loud crash of thunder had startled him awake. Matt hated thunderstorms. He didn’t know why but they always made him feel like something was after him, something he couldn’t see.

Matt glanced over to Mello’s side of the room. His lamp was on, but he was nowhere to be found. The only evidence of him being awake was the unsurprisingly opened textbook and ajar desk drawer. Matt looked at the clock. 2am.

Matt laid awake for another handful of minutes. Mello still had not returned. Where the hell was he? Suddenly, Matt remembered what he thought he heard Mello say earlier. I know. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Matt cursed his brain for thinking so long and hard because now he had to pee and wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep until he relieved himself. So he crawled out of bed and made his way down the hall to the bathroom.

Thunder continued to crash in the distant sky as echoes of the sharp piercing flashes of lightning that came before.

Matt pulled open the door to the bathroom and stopped dead in his stride.

“Mello?” Matt’s cry slipped out of his mouth more cracked than he had meant to, but he was terrified.

Mello had been staring at his reflection in the mirror, but his head shot to the side to look at Matt. At the same time, he dropped the left side of his shirt and hid his hands behind his back and instantly, without thinking, replied, “What the fuck are you doing here?!”

Matt bit his tongue to keep himself was shouting a concern-soaked, “Are you serious?” and instead shot Mello a glance like he wanted to ask his exact question back to Mello. “I had to piss.” Pause. Matt finally processed what he was seeing. “Why are you here?���

“Same.”

“Cut the crap, Mihael.” Matt reached for the hem of Mello’s shirt.

“I beg your pardon.”  Mello recoiled. It seemed like Mello was angry, but his voice was drowning with fear. Only Matt could delineate the difference.

“Mels, lift your damn shirt!”

“Matt, chill out! I’m just using the bathroom.” Mello turned away, he knew Matt wasn’t buying his paper thin charade. There was a silence, then he heard Matt speak.

“Mello…” Matt’s voice was softer this time. “You’re bleeding.” He was on the verge of tears.

Mello paused and looked down. Blood was soaking through the fabric of his shirt in a darkened splotch. It was pointless to deny his sins further. “I know.”

Matt stepped forward and lifted Mello’s shirt. Mello did not protest. He stared down to the wounds on his best friend's skin. A few inches above Mello's left hip were shallow lacerations the length of match sticks. A lattice of perfectly precise, straight, thin, lines bubbling with red which hid iterations of the thick and jagged scars and scabs beneath. Matt may not have been the smartest in the house, but he knew Mello didn't learn this surgical precision in any small period of time. Matt did his best to hold back tears and took a long breath before he spoke.

“Where is it?” Matt demanded.

Mello caved. He brought the object he was hiding out from behind his back. Matt plucked it from his hands and then carefully placed the bloodied razor blade in the sink. He stared at the sink for a moment, still processing, and then turned back to asses Mello.

Mello was avoiding eye contact. He couldn’t face Matt. Hell, he didn’t want to face himself. How could he even look at his best friend right now? He would never be enough. Not for L, not for Matt, not even for himself, no matter how hard he tried.

Matt glanced to the shelf above the sink. Rubbing alcohol and bandages. He could no longer hold back the brine that was leaking from his tear ducts.

“How long have you been doing this to yourself, Mels?”

“The razor or the hating myself?”

Matt glared back at him. “Not funny.” Matt took the bandages from the shelf and began to patch up his best friend.

Well, physically at least. Matt would come to realize patching up Mello emotionally would take him much longer.

fin

[bunn-rkive]

{open} I think this has come a long way from my first shadow spread. my goodness, that one was a travesty because I rushed it and I wanted it to go out into the world without a second thought. but anyways ♡ here's my new take on this amazing song/interlude. I'm always blown away by Yoongi and everything he releases. he's such an amazing person and bonified genius ♡ life update for those who care, yesterday morning I did test positive for covid which was a little unexpected but also not. I've had a cold for about 4 months already and it only got significantly worse last Friday and I couldn't understand why. I woke up and my cold was 10x worse than it was previously but I ignored it thinking it was just probably trying to get worse before it can heal etc. I was obviously wrong. I took the test on Monday and I was so sad to find it positive. I took the test so that I'd be able to book a doctor's appointment 💀😭 and it didn't go as expected. I just wanted antibiotics man 😭 anywho, I do have chills and a slight fever. it's on and off, I'm still dizzy but I can sit up sometimes now so yay. I can sort of taste again hehe, I didn't fully lose my taste buds but I can barely taste anything or smell anything for that matter. I'm barely getting sleep because my throat is in so much pain when I breathe in air 🥺😩 I could've had it worse and i am so thankful I don't but it still sucks when you can barely move and eat or sleep so I can stop whining about it. I hope you guys are doing okay, stay safe out there, wear your masks, stay hydrated! I appreciate shares, comments, saves, and likes. we are all definitely having a hard time with this new algorithm but let's do our best to support each other ♡ who else love watching Yuzu at the Olympics? leave a 💜 if you read this far ♡ let's get it lovelies! (at Seoul, Korea) https://www.instagram.com/p/CZup7C0vlRo/?utm_medium=tumblr