#anyways. they should consider touring. if they did it would literally be my eras tour PLEASE

[blessyouhawkeye]

in shinee's dms like

[enderdeservesbetter]

As a result of this survey done, I am going to listen to Reputation again. Well, like I said before, this album is marked with a yes on my TS song list, I literally have a PDF.

Story time! I listened to this album in full for the first time 6 months ago AND I haven't heard a song from this album in about a month and a half. I'm going to be honest, I'm not THAT much of a fan of making this post because I really, really wanted to wait for Reputation TV and rate it from there but seeing and considering that it's not going to happen at the moment, I think I'll do a post in due time, but only with the songs from the vault.

This said and clarified (I have no idea why I clarify it, if no one is going to see this anyway)...

LET'S START!

(Dividers by @saradika-graphics I took the cover from Taylor Swift's official website)

SONG LIST:

... Ready For It? 4/5

+1.5 I love the instrumental, it takes my neurodivergent brain from one place to another and it feels like a raging sea... I don't know how to explain how much I love this song because of the inst // +1 I like her voice in this song, it's like here you begin to see the maturity she has now. // +1.5 Honey, please, those lyrics no matter how much time has passed, they make me blush a little every time I dance to the song.

I love this song, for the opening of an album it is PERFECT, just like Welcome To NY. Just listening to the beginning I know this is going to hit a little after the muse of this album is gone.

End Game 3.5/5

+1 That constant instrumental is so powerful! // +2.5 Future and Ed definitely shined! Taylor definitely wanted to try something different for this and it turned out pretty well

This album is very... Very physical, a lot of physical attraction and a lot of resentment, but we're not going to talk about it yet.

I didn't remember this song being this good the first time I heard it, but after listening to TTPD:TA, folklore, and 1989 TV for 2 months straight, it all feels VERY new.

I Did Someting Bad 4.5/5

+1.5 THAT INSTRUMENTAL PLEASE, HOW BEAUTIFUL! // +1.5 THEY SAY I DID SOMETHING BAD ... So Go aHEAD AND LIGHT ME UP // +1.5 I'll be honest, I can see why singing this song in the original Eras Tour setlist could be dangerous for her even though it's something that would be iconic.

My favorite Reputation song, honestly.

Don't Blame Me 4.5/5

+1.5 for the instrumental, everything is said. // +2 I don't regret having cried this song the first time I heard it, because I don't understand how it managed to reach every little part of my brain. // +1 She sounds SO GOOD in this song!

Yes, I know I said I Did Something Bad was my favorite song, but THIS ONE, THIS ONE makes me float and gives me a feeling of peace and euphoria at the same time...

Delicate 3.5-4/5

+1.5 Inst // +1.5 It's the happiest Track 5 of hers in my opinion, she really was in love in the midst of so many horrible things. // +0.5 Her voice sounds so soft, so beautiful...

As I said, it's her happiest Track 5 and one of my favorites in all of Reputation. It was definitely delicate.

Look What You Made Me Do 3.5/5

+1.5 This shit goes hard // +0.5 I think the part I like the least is the repetition of phrases, I know it's a very used resource on the album but this song sometimes gets a little tiring, it's iconic but eee // +1.5 she sounds sooo good in this album

I think it's obvious that this song has everything to be iconic, even for people who don't listen to TS, this song just sticks in your mind and doesn't let you go. Don't worry, I think there are some songs I like less than this one.

So It Goes... 4/5

+1 WHY ARE THESE INSTRUMENTALS SO GOOD?! // +1.5 I hadn't heard the lyrics that well the first time as I got carried away with the instrumental. // +1.5 SHIT HER VOICE !!!!

It really has very sexy and even strong lyrics, but I think it's also very intimate and cute, it feels like you're interrupting something very private. I think this song should be talked about more. I must confess that I wasn't a fan at first but it's too good, I hope this one doesn't get worse on REP TV.

Gourgeous 4/5

+1.5 I'm afraid that I like the instrumentals so much in case REP TV totally breaks them... // +2 Come drunk Tay, thanks for saying what I usually think when I have a crush // +0.5 She should definitely get somxe songs like this back on her new albums

I didn't remember this song being as good the first time I heard it, I may have been sick of hearing it everywhere, but now it feels brand new, all of Reputation really

Getaway Car 4.5/5

+1.5 That's a beautiful instrumental // +1.5 I don't want to make as many bad comments as I did in TTPD, BUT, it seems that common sense took over. In some parts it seems like an apology and in others a justification for what she did to the two of them. In any case, a gem of a song. // +0.5 I LOVE THOSE HIGH NOTES, why didn't you include it on the Eras Tour?

I think this song had the 'Cruel Summer' Effect, that the fans loved it so much that it was sung on the Eras Tour, but I guess due to legal issues, it couldn't be done, I WANT TO BELIEVE IT, LEAVE ME ALONE. In the same way, I don't want to get so attached because I already see that they do the same thing as some songs on TV.

King Of My Heart 4/5

+1 Instrumental<3 // +2 I love everything about this production regarding the production, this is the song that has repetition that bothers me the least because they don't feel // +1 I don't know what else to comment, this song is simply iconic

At first I didn't like it but every time I did it, I liked it more. I imagine an edit of those ballrooms while everyone dances in a circle around the protagonists.

Dancing With Our Hands Tied 4.5/5

+2 Now, this song seems to me more about life in the gothic palace and a dance party to celebrate the presentation of a vampire who meets her lover and they dance all night // +1.5 The lyrics make me feel like I'm going to drown and they're rescuing me from the storm // +1 Yes, her voice makes me fly and have chills in this song

Is this my favorite song from all of Reputation? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Am I going to change my mind? Definitely not. Am I afraid that they will ruin it for me on TV? Obviously

Dress 3.5/5

+1.5 How can the music production be SO good? // +2 Oh I have definitely felt this lyric at some point in a personal level.

I understand why this song is so loved, I didn't understand it before, but now I can feel why it is so popular and loved. The first time I heard this song I definitely wasn't impressed, but after the strange disaster that was TTPD this album feels like glory.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things 3.5/5

+1 I don't like the instrumental alone THAT much, but it fits the song // +1.5 The lyrics are so "disappointed mom" it hurts, and it's also so funny and whimsical at the same time... // +1 her voiceee aaaaa

Another song that I heard everywhere and I got fed up, the first time it didn't impress me and now it seems like a jewel in the middle of all the stones. I love that it is so happy and at the same time so bittersweet. Gives me I Can Do It With A Broken Heart vibes.

Call It What You Want 4/5

+2 The instrumental is perfect and scratches the right parts of my brain <3 // +2 The lyrics really represent the situation that existed between the muse and the artist at that time and it is beautiful. I can assure you that I have felt this song in my bones

This is in my current Rep top three, I swear it always was. I love this song, it's so free and limitless, so soft and so secure that it's just perfect!

New Year's Day 3/5

+1 It's a cute instrumental // +1.5 It is a tender lyric and sometimes even sad in some lines. // +0.5 The song is strange, it doesn't convince me...

It's strange because after listening to folklore and saying that it is my favorite album, I wanted to like this song more, but it still doesn't convince me. This song feels so out of place compared to the rest, but it still goes with the retrospective theme. I'll see if it convinces me or not...

Conclusion: I feel a little bad for loving Reputation in the places I dislike MOST about TTPD (the weird synth-pop especially). But I don't know if you can blame me when each instrumental doesn't feel like it's taking more prominence than the main vocal. Also, each song feels like a unique song within the WHOLE album. I think the ones that are most similar are LWYMMD and IDSB, or Delicate and DWOHT. But the rest are definitely different from each other. That seems to me to be the part that has failed tremendously TTPD

4.5/5

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

I don’t want to be negative but I’m kinda disappointed that the new album is just a collection of their old songs. My excitement level dropped significantly lol. I listen to their old songs all the time and i love them and i want them to make something similar but not the exact songs!we need something new, something refreshing. I was so ready and excited for a new era and new songs but now I feel meh 😑 i just hope my excitement builds up again somehow.

You can be negative with me no problem 🤝

Is it even a matter of negativity tho??? I said a while ago I don't usually have any expectations for their releases except that they look like the company actually invested in them. Even with no expectations boy what a way to kill any excitement about a comeback. There's no logic to it from an *artistic* standpoint; they haven't put out more than two songs in two years. They used to do two albums per year. The only people I've seen genuinely excited about this are *some* of the 2020 armys, which of course, it's pretty much their first comeback 😭😭 and even then other new fans aren't happy about it.

It's a money grab album. No way to sugar coat it. The music is music we already know. If the rumours are true there will be a couple of demos and that's about it. The only probably exciting thing about it could be the additional content that they'll release for the comeback. Which is why half of the fandom are here for anyways, for the Bangtan bombs and the videos and all the ot7 content curated for them. Bighit has consistently used nostalgia as a clutch for every release and even performances, that's why every year there are theories about BTS doing something like hyyh again; because bighit has hinted at it every year and it was never true. This time they took it seriously and are apparently re-releasing hyyh I guess 😳

It also made me think about how armys (I guess they are mostly "older" armys) always wanted to have hiphop BTS back, and they don't say this anymore, probably because they've moved on, but they would say that they wanted the old BTS back, we want to listen to the old BTS, stuff like that. And some super suuuuuper edgy sassy af armys were like "the songs are still there, if you want to, you can go and listen to them". Now some of those same people are like "this is actually the epitome of brilliant marketing people who never listened to the old songs and for some reason can't go on YouTube or Spotify, now have an album to buy so they can finally listen to those songs that have been on the internet since 2013!!!" What a relief, where would army be without this new album. Compilations have always been made to sell only, and that's it. And for the record, when people say they want the old BTS, they mean that they want good music.

It also made me think back to the live they did for BE re-release on February 2021, that Jimin was like "I said we should include at least one new song :/ " and he was right to probably feeling embarrassed about it. It's literally a scam to sell the same product as something brand new. At least they put 3 new songs in this one 🤪

Back in 2020 I thought mots7 and the things they said at the end of the year award shows were kind of pointing to it being the last album and tour, and now I think it probably was. The compilation would've been released at the end of the year as a way to tie it all up nicely. That made sense, at least to me. Ironically, they got a second chance, they got a couple more years to keep making music and being BTS. Not everything was bad, of course, I loved dynamite. I think 2020 was really good musically wise, because dynamite is a nice song and the performances were good. After dynamite, nothing of artistic value happened. I don't even hate butter or PTD, but it's not music that I consider to be good and that I willingly listen to.

Bottom line is, I don't think a compilation/anthology album is bad. It's bad to release it after two years of no music and when nobody knows if there will be more music after this year, because it's likely that at least Jin will have to enlist come December.

No money or time or efforts or even feelings went to producing, composing or writing new songs, it's a safe and lazy decision. In the case they're all enlisting together (I personally don't think they will but in the case), to me it feels like a sour end. The last time they actually put out an album was 2020. It's just sad to me, I don't think I'm disappointed because the bar was already on the floor after 2021, but it's just sad, I guess I could say I am bitter about it.

This person is a clown. BTS are not releasing anything; HYBE is releasing and all they want is the sales 😭 armys actually hate kpop groups and then hide that behind their army identity; that's all I'm going to say.

Other things I agree with:

[rockrevoltmagazine]

INTERVIEW: TODD MICHAEL HALL

RockRevolt Magazine:  Lets talk about your debut solo album coming out in early May, Sonic Healing.  I gave it a listen and fans of classic rock should be very excited for this record.  There’s no questions bands that had a major influence on you such as Boston, Rush & Foreigner influenced the direction of this album.  Sonic Healing could plug right into this era.  Tell us how it all came together.

TODD MICHAEL HALL:  I have wanted to do an old school rock album for quite a few years now.  Something I talked with Joe at Rat Pack Records about.  I knew Joe because he negotiated with my band Riot and the last Riot album almost got released on Rat Pack Records.  At the time Joe asked if I might want to do a solo album.  He was thinking something in the metal vain, I was thinking more old school rock.  It didn’t end up going anywhere at the time.  Then after being on The Voice, the song “Juke Box Hero,” which I did and I consider to be in the classic rock category.  I don’t consider it hair metal like Blake Shelton did.  Not sure why he jumped to hair metal, apparently when people hear me they think of hair metal.  Anyway it was kind of hitting, it had like a million views on YouTube.  So then I call up Joe and said I’m telling you I really want to do something in the classic rock vain.  I have a bunch of songs written, can you hook me up with someone that can help me transform them into hard rock.  The thing is when I write as a songwriter I write by myself.  I play on acoustic guitar so what tends to come out is more singer/songwriter type stuff.  He said I have this guy, and it happened to be Kurdt Vanderhoof from Metal Church.  He said let me see if he’s interested.  He talked to him and got back to me and said Kurdt loves classic rock, it’s a big influence on him also.  He wants to talk.  We got on a Zoom call and talked about what each of us had in mind.  I told him I was looking for that riff oriented, melodic vocal, catchy chorus kind of stuff, feel good rock.  He and I joke that we are both old enough to remember the KTEL commercial about freedom rock.  With the hippie looking dude who says what’s that? The other guy is like that’s freedom rock.  Well turn it up.  (both of us laughing as I remember the commercial as well – classic).  To this day Kurdt and I will be joking, turn it up dude.  Kurdt’s a great guy, we just had a lot in common.  Funny thing is I loaded up like 20 of my songs and suggested we just use some or all of it.  He said it was great stuff and we can come back to that but why don’t we start with me just pouring out and writing some stuff and see what happens.  Which was his polite way of saying Todd we’re not going to use your crap (joking).  I get where is coming from.  I never really experienced this before, he had to finish up something in Seattle and he got to his place in Southern CA and he called me and said I’m going to start writing now.  A few days later he sent me five songs.  Then he’s just sending like a song a day.  I got another one then another.  Over a period of like 21 days he sent me 18 songs that happened to be during the shutdown.  I put total focus on it.  I would walk around, listen to the songs and they were just singing to me.  It was like he and I were having a battle.  I would be like I just loaded one up to Dropbox and he would be like, yeah I’m loading up one tonight.  Just back and forth.  Literally these songs were written over the course of four weeks, last March into April.  Then we did the final recordings not long after that.  The album has been in the can since June it just took a long time to get all the promo material together with all the shutdowns.  We really liked what he was doing and what we came up with.  We just never got around to the songs I brought to him originally.  It ended up being an all Kurdt and Todd thing. 

How about the other parts on the album such as bass and drums? How did you handle that?

We recorded during the shutdown.  Kurdt had his own home studio and I had the same thing.  Kurdt basically played the bass and the drums on this as well, it’s all us.  Of course for the video we wanted to have an entire band and the videographer, Jamie Brown, is the one that found people for us.  The bass player is a fella named Drew Heart, he’s actually a singer from Las Vegas.  He has a few different bands that he’s in.  He’s also a singer on an album with Kurdt called Vanderhoof I think from the 90’s, he had some experience with Kurdt as well coincidentally.  He’s not a bass player by trade but was in the video.  It turns out he’s from Michigan and we got along really well.  We have a lot of the same influences.  It was fun to have him around, I would love to have him in a band, he would be great backup vocals.  I’m not use to having singers in the bands I’m in.  The drummer in video was a guy named Abel.  It’s kind of a funny story.  The “Overdrive” video was the second video we filmed.  Day one we filmed a video for “Let Loose Tonight” and the drummer in that video is a different guy named Dustin and he wasn’t feeling well so the night before the second video Jamie called up Abel and asked if he could show up the next day and learn the song.  He did an incredible job and really helped make the video great as he put on a great show.

Do you plan on touring behind the record?

Kurdt and I both have a lot of excitement behind the album, we both say it’s something we’d buy.  We are excited to present it live but the challenge is if there is enough demand.  From my time on The Voice a lot of people in my hometown would like to see that.  Then maybe book some other shows locally over the course of a weekend.  I know Kurdt has some people in mind to play with us if we were going to do something.  But right now we are not sure we’ll have to see as things open back up.

Do you think you and Kurdt will work together again?

I would love to and I believe he feels the same way.  We’ll see what happens.  I remember the first album I did with Riot V, it felt magical.  Then the second album we did felt more like a labor.  That’s what I wonder, this first album with Kurdt was magical, so I’m curious to see how it would happen the second time around.  I would say I’m definitely down for doing something again.  I very much enjoy this style of music.  But before then I have to record vocals for the next Riot album. 

Getting into your experience on The Voice how did that come about and then of course you worked with Blake Shelton how was that?

I had seen shows like that over the years and was always somewhat interested.  Then my sister got an email and said I should try out as they were having an audition in Chicago.  I figured what the heck.  I think there was a couple thousand people there.  After I was done they said come on back tomorrow.  Of course I wasn’t prepared, no change of clothes, toothbrush or anything.  So I drove 5 hours back home.  Then I had to prepare, I never did karaoke or have any tracks prepared so I had to get that together.  So I ended up getting the “Juke Box Hero” track and Judas Priest “Another Thing Coming,” I think I did Bryan Adams “Someone Like You” and Journey “Don’t Stop Believing.” I did all but the Bryan Adams song the next day for them.  It was a weird experience.  Then I got a call back for a blind audition and when you are doing those you’re still in a group of 80+ people so you don’t know for sure.  But I did get my shot.  For me you sometimes fantasize, I wonder what could happen.  But for me I didn’t think I would win or have a career in music only and not have the day job.  I was going more for fun and a great experience and it was.  Experiencing television and music production at that level it’s hard to describe, it’s amazing.  And the people associated with the show were very friendly, nice to the musicians.   Not like you are best friends, once the show is over they move on and have a new group to work with so it’s not like Blake and I are buddies.  But everyone is really nice.  No intent to slag the show but you don’t spend much time with your coach.  Your time with the coach is on camera so there’s not a lot of interaction.  Even with the song selection it’s not something you talk to them about.  You’re more dealing with producers on that.  Hopefully I’m not bursting anyone’s bubble on that.  I would say as far as disappointments from the show, this is very minor compared to the lessons I took away.  I just had this fantasy that Blake and I would sit down, have a beer together and just have a half hour to discuss influences and what we wanted to do and that wasn’t a possibility.  But he’s a busy guy so I understand that.

I bet most people do have that fantasy, I’ll get on The Voice and will sit around talking music and work a plan together.  But the reality is they are there for filming and drawing the audience but beyond that there’s no interaction.  But it was a cool experience?

Yeah definitely.  And I think if I got further that would be more the case.  Before my knockout round they had to prepare me for my next song, “More Than A Feeling” by Boston if I had been back for the knockout round.  If I had been back I would have been performing for Blake with the band.  But we were doing it via video chat.  We did chat it up a little bit.  I think if you’re Todd Tillman who won for Blake’s team you probably got a little more chat time with Blake.  I imagine the further you get the more personal time you get.  It was a great experience.  And great exposure.

Did things change for your music  career or was it more of a blip and you move on?

To some extent it is kind of a blip.  But you do gain followers on social media that you didn’t have before the show.  That helps.  I think the pop culture is a bit fickle.  You see over 4 million views on my “Juke Box Hero” video and you think if I come out with a new album in a similar style I should really be able to key into this because there are so many people that liked it.  Doesn’t necessarily translate that way.  But I think there is so much noise and inputs and some many distractions.  So I think The Voice has a certain apparatus that allows you to get a lot of attention but most of those people are more The Voice fans than your fans. 

You mentioned you are working on a new album with Riot V, how’s that going?

It’s going well.  I think the COVID situation had potentially two different effects on bands.  One is I have all this free time for music.  On the other hand it’s oh man we can’t go out and tour to support this album so why bother.  And with no deadline you can kind of slack a bit and that’s kind of where the Riot album has been.  We’ve had the songs written but let 2020 get away from us.  We are just on hold to release the album until we can tour behind it. 

Anything else going on?

I reached a point last year that my business, I run a manufacturing company for restaurant equipment so that had an impact which was stressful.  Even now that orders are starting to come back it’s still tough with lack of materials so there is a ton of stress.  Not a whoa is me thing, it’s just that music is a passion thing I pursue in my free time so it’s difficult to say yes at this time.  It’s hard to find time for anything.  At this time I don’t see me taking on any other projects.  I did have the question did any famous people want to work with you because of your time on The Voice but no that really hasn’t happened.

Have you met any of your idols? If so what was that experience like?

What’s weird for me if you meet someone in like a meet n greet line I don’t consider that really a meet.  I think for me getting to meet someone is to meet them as a fellow musician.  That is much more along the lines of what you are asking.  When I was on The Voice and I walk out and James Taylor is there, granted it was on film and we only had 10 minutes to sit and talk.  To have someone like him throw a compliment your way feels pretty incredible.  Also what is weird for me, for example Geoff Tate was incredibly influential to me in my younger days.  There is a part of me, a little boy that still craves Geoff Tate to say hey Todd good job.  I actually met him, my brother Rick had a record store and Queensryche did an in store for Operation Mindcrime.  I met Geoff and I gave him a copy of my Harlot CD we produced in 1988.  I told him he was a huge influence on me.  Back then most independent bands like us didn’t have a CD so I figured that should impress him.  Now that I’m in a band and people hand me CD’s often I get it that he was a busy guy and why does he give two shits about me.  But I had this fantasy that he would listen to that and write me a note saying good job.  Obviously that didn’t happen.  To this day if I get approached like this, I’m not saying I’m a great person or anything like that, I’m sure I don’t get as much as Geoff Tate does but I make it a point to give it a little listen and find a way to compliment it.  First of all if it’s not my taste they still went through the trouble to write and produce the song and I know how much goes into that.  Getting back to it I still have this fantasy of bumping into Geoff as a fellow musician and we could talk and get to know each other.  At the same time who knows maybe we have completely different views and maybe we wouldn’t get along.  Sometimes you hear stories about people in general.  At this point I’d say the closest I had with that was touring with Primal Fear, Ralf Scheepers is an incredible singer I had bought an album of his back in the 90’s that I really liked.  It was interesting and cool to meet him.  I got to know him really well and that to me is a little more along the lines of what you are talking about, a unique experience.  As well as the experience with Kurdt.  But in general when we are playing these festivals and Judas Priest is headlining, they have their own little dressing room and pathway.  And they have people to make sure you don’t walk in there.  I haven’t had much experience with the big dogs. 

We all have this perception that you are all hanging out backstage but that’s obviously not that way it is.

Some of them will hang out in the normal food tent and they are around and if you are brave enough you can walk up and bug them.  For me that’s not quite the same.  I remember the drummer from Judas Priest was in there and our drummer is like I want to get a picture with him and he was cool but there’s a part of me that’s like you just interrupted him, you’re not really meeting them.  I tend to be like I don’t want to annoy someone.  Although I did with Michael Sweet and Biff Byford from Saxon and Jeff Scott Soto.  So I have done that but I don’t post it to social media for me it’s more of a private thing.  More of a personal memory. 

Top five albums everyone should own?

Oh man that is so tough.  I really loved Malice and Warrior.  There was a band called The Front I really loved.  But I would say if you are in the hard rock genre it would be tough not to say an Iron Maiden album like Piece of Mind, that’s a classic.  Certainly in the Riot catalog you could throw Fire Down Under, not because I’m in Riot but I feel it’s a great album.  I think for me it would be hard not to put Holy Diver from Dio in there.  He was so incredible.  I would say something by Queensryche, Operation Mindcrime. 

I wish you nothing but success on the release of your first solo record.  As I mentioned for a classic rock fan this is an album you should check it.  Any final words?

Thanks for helping spread the word.  Anyone that gives me any type of attention or shot I appreciate it.  This is a passion thing and I’ve got so much joy from music over the years and just want to return the favor and bring some joy to others. 

Connect with Todd Michael Hall(click icons):

INTERVIEW: TODD MICHAEL HALL was originally published on RockRevolt Mag

[midnightiscoming-kasabian]

Kasabian's Serge Pizzorno: 'I think there'll be a social media rebellion'

Kasabian guitarist Serge Pizzorno talks to Sky News about new solo project The S.L.P, as well as his plans for the band.

By Gemma Peplow | Photo: Neil Bedford

Serge Pizzorno's shaggy shock of jet black hair, once instantly recognisable, is now sharp-fringed and shaved, a striking leopard print dyed into the back in a style worthy of Instagram dreams, should he be so inclined.

He's not, really. While Kasabian and his new solo project, The S.L.P, have social media accounts, documenting every detail of his personal life, online is not for Pizzorno. It has to be about art, otherwise what's the point, he says. So the hair (definitely a work of art) does feature on The S.L.P's Instagram, along with his promotional shots, but these are about as close to a selfie as he gets.

Sitting in his publicist's office in north London, the singer is softly spoken, considered, a different character to the man with the swagger you see on stage. He is discussing social media and dating apps, the idea of "presenting that perfect version of yourself" online.

"It's to my detriment, because I probably overthink it, but I think there has to be an artistic voice to it or I'm not bothered," he says. "I can't just be, I don't know... just normal photos. That's not me. When other people do it, it's fine because whatever, that's their thing. It's probably not the way you should use it if you want to get massive, but I don't care."

Basically, don't expect to see eggs on toast breakfast snaps or "Friyay" glass-clinks on Pizzorno's social media feeds any time soon.

"I just don't care for that. My privacy is very important to me; my family and my home, my world, that's sacred. Someone called it the fourth dimension, where we've opened a world where you can see into people's lives in an insane way, where you're literally letting the whole world see exactly everything you do. I don't know about that for me. I like to keep that, that's mine."

This insane way is the inspiration behind Favourites, the first single from Pizzorno's debut solo album as The S.L.P, which features Mercury Prize-nominated rapper Little Simz.

As a father to two young sons, is social media something he worries about? Pizzorno is confident we will come full circle.

"I think people will look back on this place and where we've got to, and go, 'What were you thinking? What? You did what?' I think there'll definitely be a rebellion against it and it will go back to people having their own lives and thoughts to themselves."

Pizzorno channels his own thoughts through music. When Kasabian decided to take a break after 2017's For Crying Out Loud, their fifth consecutive number one album, sixth overall, the plan was to "just be quiet for a bit". After more than 20 years together - stadiums around the world sold out, Brits, NME and Q awards in the bag, a Glastonbury headline slot ticked off - they felt they needed time off.

But Pizzorno has discovered he doesn't do relaxation very well. Certainly not your fortnight-in-the-sun-type relaxation, anyway. Anyone who has ever been in the presence of his best mate and Kasabian frontman Tom Meighan, the hyperactive stream-of-consciousness yin to Pizzorno's very chilled yang, will know he is a man who is always on the go; never able to sit still, or keep quiet, for long. But it turns out it was Pizzorno who needed something to keep his brain occupied during the break.

The Kasabian radio silence - temporary, he assures - brings us to The S.L.P. Starting out as some "spare music on a hard drive", the project has transformed into an album, released at the end of August, and a tour in September.

"We realised we've, Kasabian, not had a summer off, ever," says Pizzorno. "So we decided, let's just take a year out. Just be quiet for a bit, with the band.

"I suddenly thought, I'm gonna go mad if I don't do anything. So, I had this music in a hard drive…"

Fascinated by the idea of alter-egos and different personas, the album has a "meanwhile concept", he says, excitedly. "It's a sort of comic book thing where it's like, 'Meanwhile, in the Batcave'... and there's Batman and there's Bruce Wayne. There's me in the band and meanwhile, I've got this as well. I love that world.

"I had these three bits of 'meanwhile music', I called them, and I thought, well, they'd make a great beginning, middle and end to an album. All I have to do is fill in the gaps... with, whatever I wanted really. It's all come out of necessity, I suppose. The timing was right."

The result is The S.L.P. album, an 11-track record book-ended by the tracks Meanwhile... In Genova, and Meanwhile… In The Silent Nowhere.

Recorded and produced by Pizzorno at his studio The Sergery, set up at his home in the Leicestershire countryside, the album comes from a mix of influences, everything from hip-hop to psychedelic-funk and trance.

In parts, it is unmistakably the Kasabian writer and guitarist's work, but at other times completely different. While the Favourites opening riff would not sound out of place on the band's third album, West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum, second single Nobody Else sounds like it should be played as the sun comes up in Ibiza. Not bound by the ties that come with being one of the biggest UK bands of the 21st century, Pizzorno says he felt free "to just see what it could be".

"I love making, I just like creating... If I've not had a day, if I've not made something in the day then I feel a bit… I don't know, I just freak out a bit. I mean, it doesn't necessarily have to be a song. Just, you know, an idea, or a drawing or a video. It's at the forefront all the time and that's kind of where I feel like, 'yeah, I'm all right now'."

The S.L.P. has "opened up another part of my brain", he says. "I think that was the thing, it was the freedom of not having to consider 80,000 people in a field. It's like, 'Ah, this can be a different thing'."

Inevitably, solo work has invited discussion about the end of Kasabian. But Pizzorno says his sideline has helped him see the band from "a new, fresh perspective… [and now] I'll know exactly the kind of way we need to go with the next chapter.

"I've just gone down the rabbit hole and I've collected a few new treasures and I've bought them back, you know?"

Taking time out, being careful not to saturate, is important, he says. "I think it's healthy. And every now and again there needs to be a storm in the harbour, man... It would be nice if people are going 'what's gonna happen?' or, 'Is that it, was that the last time I'm ever going to see them play?'

"So then, the story begins again, which I think is a good place to be, to keep everyone on their toes - including the band, I mean me included, everyone."

Formed with Meighan and their mates Chris Edwards and Chris Karloff (who left the band during the recording of second album Empire) while they were still at school in Leicester in the 1990s, Kasabian rose to fame with the release of their self-titled debut album in 2004. Fifteen years later, they are one of just a handful of those early-noughties indie bands left standing, undoubtedly one of the biggest British bands of their era.

It is no mean feat, and yet it is easy for the successes to become normalised, says Pizzorno.

"Being together for so long it's amazing how the achievements are expected," he says. "Oh, sold out the O2 again - I mean that's a massive thing; two, three nights. Or headlining Glastonbury, five number one albums.

"There's these mad facts that you don't... process [at the time]. But when you think, you go, f***, that's massive... It's an incredible place to be but..."

It comes with certain pressures?

"Kind of. Yes and no. I mean... because we got where we got I think it sort of doesn't really matter now. It would have been more pressure if we'd not achieved what we wanted to.

"We just sort of... rolled with it, really. It's all about new ideas, and new things and new albums. Changing. We've been afforded the luxury of being able to experiment and people going with it. So yes, it's been quite a ride, I've got to say."

Kasabian, he reassures once again, is "safe and sound" and his band mates have all been supportive of The S.L.P. "They've been so sound about it all. I've been blessed."

With the album finished, now all he has to do is think about performing live.

On stage with Kasabian he is the guitarist and backing vocalist, taking the frontman reigns only occasionally for the odd song. The S.L.P. live show will be quite different.

"In my head I have an idea of what I want the show to be but converting it, that's going to be an interesting thing. I know for sure that I don't want it to be anything like... it's going to be a completely different show to a Kasabian show."

He pauses: "I want the outcome to be the same in terms of... euphoric connection. A place for everyone to come to lose their minds. But I want to get there in a whole different way. I'm coming at it from a different angle. It's a different sport."

The album features the collaboration with Little Simz, who was "so good; it was a real honour to work with her", and slowthai, another rapper and 2019 Mercury Prize nominee.

"These [are] young, British artists that I think are at the forefront of music and to get them on the album was amazing," he says. "Moving forward I'd like to do that more. I think those two especially because I'm just a big fan of what they do."

I ask about his life in Leicester. Or more specifically, his recent appearance alongside pal Mark Ronson on Gogglebox, and why viewers were taken to a sofa in east London rather than his Leicestershire home. (Full disclosure here: I too am from Leicester, and it's not often we get to see the city on the telly.)

"Maybe next time," he laughs. "It's a very proud city, isn't it? We are very proud of our city. It's weird, isn't it? That home thing, that Leicester thing."

I last spoke to Pizzorno back in 2016, for the city's local paper, as Kasabian were heading out to play their beloved Leicester City's stadium, the King Power, for the first time; a lifetime's dream fulfilled to celebrate the club's 5,000-1 Premier League win.

Pizzorno, Meighan and Edwards have all remained rooted in Leicestershire, never swayed by the lure of celebrity, and always do their best to champion the city and put on special gigs for their fans there.

"I think [being in Leicester] has only helped us," says Pizzorno. "It's nice to be on the fringes, on the outside, and still be outsiders. I think it's important for artists to be on the outside.

"It's a mad old place. But I love it… I just feel like I learn more being there than I would anywhere else. I think you get more of a sense of the world. It can be a bit of a bubble anywhere else. I've got a lot of my friends who I grew up with and they always make me laugh, fascinate me, and their stories are amazing. I feel more connected there than I would anywhere else."

Kasabian want to inspire children from Leicester, from other less recognised towns and cities, he says.

"I feel like we were kids from a little place outside of the centre, and we had these dreams and we had this intent to try and communicate this message with the world and bring as many people together as possible. I want to show that you can do some mad stuff… I think it's important to show the next generation of kids coming up. Especially in our home town."

I ask how Tom is. He grins. "Tom's Tom, you know. There's only one. He's an amazing man. You can only be that good at something if… well, he's just Tom.

"We don't occupy the same orbit… we're not smashing into each other. If you had two Toms…" He makes a whooshing sound. "That's why it works. And it's been like that since 1997. I mean, like any family, there's arguments and there's fights and there's shouting. But that's a very small percentage of the best time ever. You know, like any normal Christmas Day. We've all got madness in our families. But we've got mad love as well."

After more than 20 years together, a seventh album in the pipeline, now all fathers, a bit wiser, definitely more grown-up, it would seem Kasabian have overcome any hurdles that might cause a band to split. Is this it forever now?

"Yeah, I'd like to think so. You know, bar anything major. You never know what's round the corner, but we do feel like we've come too far now.

"There's not many bands that have been sort of big in two decades. You know, that's always the thing, if you can move into the next decade and still be around… if we're making relevant music and the live shows stand up and have still got that energy and bring that carnival like no one else can, we'll be around for a long time."

Serge Pizzorno's debut album, The S.L.P, is out on 30 August. The S.L.P tour starts in Glasgow on 5 September and finishes in Paris on 17 September, and includes two dates in London.

news.sky.com

[sometimes-we-wonder]

I’ll never forget discovering Taylor. For me, it was 2007. I heard Teardrops On My Guitar on the radio and it honestly just spoke to me like no other song ever had. I had no idea what the song was called, but I was on the hunt to find out! It was 2007 okay I couldn’t just ask Siri to tell me what song it was or google the lyrics on my phone. I mean I could’ve googled them at home on my dial up Internet but I was kind of an idiot alright I was 12. Anyway, at school the next week I was telling my friend about the song and she KNEW THE NAME. I was over the moon. After that it was all over for me. I spent hours on the Internet rewatching the few music videos Taylor had out at the time. I watched every interview she had done. I learned her story and she became my friend. I begged for her album for Christmas that year and I got it! That was the first of many Taylor Swift themed Christmas presents I’ve received over the years. That entire day I stayed in my room with the album on repeat. I followed along in the lyric booklet so I could sing along. I remember when I discovered that random letters were capitalized and I started decoding. I felt like I had a secret with her. She sang the words my heart was feeling but my brain never knew how to say. I’d never listened to country music in my life, but something in me changed that day.

I’d always loved music. I wanted to be a singer more than anything in the world. When I found Taylor, she made me believe in myself. It was the first time I had hope that it could really happen for me. I started emailing record labels, inspired by Taylor’s story of course, though my parents didn’t take me to Nashville to do so. I emailed Scott Borchetta (his email was right on the Big Machine website lol). He declined my request for a record deal, probably on account of me being a 12 year old with no demo or really anything to convince him that I should have a record deal. Oh well! Life went on.

A couple of Christmas’s later, I got my first guitar. My dad is a musician and got us kid-sized guitars when we were really young. But I never had the desire to play. Once I discovered Taylor, I was not only inspired, I NEEDED to learn to play. I started playing and writing all the time. It changed my life.

I remember the day Fearless came out. I got a call early in the morning that woke me up. It was my dad. He told me to come outside (my parents are divorced). Confused, I went outside and he was standing there with a Target bag containing Taylor’s new album. He went as soon as they opened and got it for me. I’ll never forget that moment. I went back inside, got in bed, and listened to the entire thing on my portable CD player. I decoded all the secret messages, again, which always made me feel so close to Taylor. The Fearless era started my days of rushing home to catch Taylor on Ellen or Oprah or TRL. So it began that anytime anyone in the house saw anything about Taylor, my name was called.

I was extra excited when Speak Now came out. Why? Because I finally had my license and could drive myself to Target to buy the album all by myself! I felt so grown up. After school, I rushed to Target. I came home, laid on the floor, and listened to it for the first time, decoding the messages. Speak Now came for me at a really important time. I fell in love for the first time and there are some really great love songs on that album. I had a wonderful night at my first Homecoming Dance and Enchanted described it perfectly. I also had some downfalls, which Dear John and Last Kiss helped me understand.

By the time Red came out, I was a freshman in college living in a brand new city. I was in a whole other world. I took the school shuttle to Target and bought the album, sitting in silence and feeling alone on the ride back. Normally when I got an album, I was boasting and jumping for joy. But being a freshman in college in a new city, I felt pretty isolated a lot of times. I got back to my dorm room, put the CD in my laptop, plugged in my headphones, and listened. A few months prior I’d gone through my first breakup, which I was nowhere near healed from. Red gave me all of the songs I needed to understand my feelings and to process my emotions. Yet again, Taylor was there for me when it felt like no one was. She always knows what I need to hear and when I need to hear it.

Ah, 1989. I was 20 years old, living in my very first apartment. I was SO happy and carefree. 1989 was an album full of anthems perfect for driving in my car with the windows down. I did that MANY times. It felt like 1989 gave me permission to be myself and to just live my best life, honestly. It was also the era that I discovered the Taylor Swift portion of this website. I made my tumblr when I was 15, so I could fangirl over All Time Low (lol). Then I started discovering there was more to Tumblr, like quotes and images I could relate to. That’s what Tumblr became for me for many years. I actually spent a good amount of time away from the website because, stupid as it sounds, it felt like something my ex-boyfriend and I used to do all the time and it honestly just hurt to be on the website for a while. But I found you guys in the 1989 era. It was the first time I felt like people understood this part of me. Sure, I had friends who liked Taylor. But I’ve considered Taylor to be my best friend since I was 12 years old. My friends weren’t decoding albums or staying up late watching the same music videos over and over again. I finally felt understood and accepted. Like I found my people!! I felt closer to Taylor than ever before as she started the Secret Sessions and Swiftmas. Watching you guys get to have these special moments with Taylor has made me feel so close to both you guys and her.

1989 was also the first time that I got to see Taylor live. Growing up, I remember my mom trying to get me tickets, but they were selling out in minutes. It was impossible! But when 1989 came around, I had my own car, my own job, and therefore my own money. I could do whatever I wanted!!! I bought my tickets the second they want on sale and booked a hotel. I’d never been so excited for a concert before! When Taylor came onstage, I immediately started crying. I couldn’t get my shit together until four songs in. I just couldn’t believe it. There she was! My best friend! Taylor! She was right there! I felt closer to her than ever before (I mean, I was physically closer to her than ever before, but you know what I mean). That was absolutely one of the best nights of my life.

When reputation was announced, I literally fell to the floor. This was an important one for me because it was the first time my boyfriend Josh got to see me through an album release. Spoiler alert: I didn’t scare him away! I spent so much time on Tumblr hanging out with you guys getting ready for the new era. Listening to songs together for the first time, watching music videos together for the first time. It was so special to me. When LWYMMD came out, Josh ordered pizza for us and hung out with me while I hung out with you guys online. It meant so much to me that he would do that with me. I got to go to both Florida dates on the rep tour, which meant the world to me.

So I guess that’s my Taylor story! I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for Taylor. She’s made me stronger, kinder, and really just a better person overall. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have picked up a guitar. Who knows if I would’ve even taken music so seriously? Taylor was the voice I needed to make me believe in myself. She’s gotten me through countless heartaches and a lot of good times too. I’ve made friends because of her, I’ve traveled because of her. There’s just so much in my life that is a direct result of Taylor. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing woman to look up to. Here’s to another 13 years, Miss Swift. I can’t wait to see what the Lover era brings!

@taylorswift

[shinneth]

The Gem Ascension Reference Tour 3: WWE/General Wrestling

Let’s get by far the biggest reference in GA out of the way.

Most people who’ve reviewed or talked to me about GA have never failed to bring up the hilarity of the Ruby Math scene. Where Ruby, damaged and isolated from all of her friends and spouse, was faced with hundreds of Era 2 Peridots that all claimed to be Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG. None of them were. Ruby was certain of that. 

Even though Ruby wasn’t in the least bit of danger because Peridots are notorious for being sucky fighters without the limb enhancers (which they all had to go without to give off the illusion they’re the great and lovable edition), she was still faced with a very difficult task of getting all of these low-caste gems poofed and bubbled to Earth, since it was apparent by this point in GA3 that Homeworld itself was about to completely collapse. Steven was pretty adamant about saving as many gems in addition to Peridot as possible, but then there was a problem for this: Peridots are also crazy durable, and Ruby can only take out so many by herself in a damaged state before succumbing to exhaustion. So, she inadvertently found a way to poof a bunch of Peridots at once very quickly: spout off the stupidest math possible and watch their brains break as they try to comprehend where the hell you’re pulling these numbers from. 

Ruby Math is basically Steiner Math. Pretty much the same numbers were even used, because honestly, my own math skills are so goddamn horrific, I knew I’d somehow ruin this if I tried to put too much of a different spin on it. 

So yeah, definitely don’t give me credit for all of the hilarity of that scene. All I can say is, Steiner Math wasn’t so potent that it literally blew Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle’s minds.

But hah, that’s not the only reference! As if.

“I’m sorry. I love you.”

(starts at 0:14)

Seemed like a random thing for Steven to say right after superkicking his girlfriend in the back of the head, right? Well, it’s based on this. 

Sort of different ways they were utilized. Shawn Michaels says this (not really audible, but you can read his lips very easily) right before delivering his finishing move (that he had to use multiple times in a very long match) that finally took Ric Flair down and ended his very long career. Since HBK knew he was basically ending this man’s career with this action, and rightfully respects the man to the highest degree of one of the all-time greats, so it’s akin to a mercy killing. 

For GA, this was the only way Steven knew how to subdue Peridot, who had gone off on Lapis and physically assaulted her for the first and only time in the story due to being in hysterics that Pumpkin was at death’s door, and Lapis was only calmly trying to drag her back down to reality. Peridot wasted valuable time she could have used to say goodbye to Pumpkin and really be there for her in her final moments to instead appeal to Steven to miraculously save her (which Steven had already all possible options on before Peridot even made it to the scene; he had to cut her off every time Peridot went off on a nonsensical tangent), then have words she herself used on Steven used on her by Lapis. Namely, the “you can’t save everybody” line. Peridot reacted by screaming at Lapis before bitchslapping her. So, Peridot was already massively trying Steven’s patience since he knew from the start there was nothing more to be done about Pumpkin and Peridot just couldn’t bring herself to accept it, hence the continued bargaining. Once she actually hurt a friend of theirs, Steven could clearly see no amount of talking would bring Peridot to her senses in time before Pumpkin completely passed on. So, Steven had to do and say things he was extremely uncomfortable about and normally would never say or do voluntarily, but Peridot, especially GA Peridot, has proved to be akin to talking to a brick wall. With a massively dwindling time limit and knowing how much worse this situation would get once Peridot realized Pumpkin died seeing her acting like this, he forced himself to push his own limits.

And really, he knew he wouldn’t really hurt Peridot with a superkick, anyway. Steven was definitely aware Peridot would be infinitely more hurt that he did it to her than the act itself. Unfortunately, Steven should have acted a little sooner, because Peridot barely got a couple of words out to Pumpkin once she was finally brought down to reality before the latter died. 

On the bright side, even before Pumpkin was miraculously brought back to life, Peridot didn’t hold this against Steven in the least, and acknowledged both to him and to Lapis that she fully deserved a superkick to the head and losing her chance to say goodbye to Pumpkin for how she conducted herself. 

Luckily, it works out all nicely not just for Pumpkin’s life and Peridot/Steven maintaining their relationship by the end of GA, but the whole fusion thing for Peridot gets ironed out as well. I was a massive asshole ending the story on the confirmation of Peridot and Steven being able to fuse (no name or even a visual; the final line is literally the fusion acknowledging that they pulled it off this time), but come onnnn. I already made three original fusions as well as full-Diamond forms for Steven and Peridot, the former of which I’ve yet to properly design! 

Right before they try doing this, Peridot agrees with Steven that they don’t seem like the type who’d fuse to a proper kind of dance. Instead, it’d be more like certain wrestler entrances. “Sheasaro” is mentioned, which isn’t an official term at all in WWE, but it’s what a lot of people called the tag team of Sheamus and Cesaro before they were collectively called The Bar. Anyway, I fucking love that entrance. Needless to say I’ve envisioned plenty of characters and how they’d come out to certain entrance songs and routines.

Peridot makes it no secret that “clod” is her word, and that still rings true in GA. However, in GA exclusively there’s a close runner-up: stupid idiot.

A redundant term made awesome by Chris Jericho’s 2016-2017 persona. It just felt like a very Peridot thing to say, and with this I never had to worry about over-using the clod term. 

It never happened in-story, but if GA Peridot was ever to be called out using this by pointing out its redundancy, she’d definitely insist that the term is for emphasis. That this is how to determine how much of an idiot you truly are. Because to Peridot the Genius, everyone is either stupid or an idiot. But only a few select clods can be considered both. 

I feel like there’s more references than this, but these are the only ones that stand out right now. I’ll add a part 2 if I find something significant that I missed the next time I read through the fic.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #194

“i’m numb to the pleasure but still feel the pain.”

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? Yeah. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid? I believe I first had those Flintstones ones, then later Mom got the gummy type. Have you ever gone to court? Only to explain to a judge why I thought my scheduled month-long stay in the psych hospital was unnecessarily long for my state. I was convinced all I needed to do was talk to Jason and boom, my problems would be gone. Safe to say, I was delusional. Glad I won that battle though considering I loathe that hospital for their extreme lack of therapy and activities to keep us occupied and out of our own heads. I was committed there I think five times and no stay did jack-shit. Are you friends with your neighbors? No. How long has it been since you’ve seen The Lion King? Years. But bitch when that live action remake comes out I'mma be the very first hoe at that theater. Have you ever had a crush on your siblings friend? No. What's the longest amount of time you’ve been on an airplane without changing flights? However long the flight to Michigan was. What’s the best wedding you’ve been to? My former dance instructor's. What time did you wake up this morning? Like, 7. What are you doing this weekend? There's no difference in weekends and weekdays for me. I'm sure I'm doing nothing. What’s your favorite Disney movie? TLK. Do you wear colored contacts? No, but honestly I'd love more sapphire blue ones if they're a prescription and not just cosmetic. Who was the last person you went to the movies with? I think Mom? Or did I go with Dad later? When’s the last time you spent time with your cousins? I haven't seen Robby since '15, but Audrey passed through with my uncle sometime last year. My other cousins, hell if I know. Why did you fall for the last person romantically? Good Lord, that's an essay. Just more than anything, I think it was the fact that she cares so deeply about animals and people alike and is passionate about what's right and wrong. Can you speak in a different language conversationally? If so, which language? I could maybe manage a very simple German convo? Do you ever fear falling asleep? No, but I do rather frequently don't look forward to it, or at least the process of falling asleep. I don't go quickly. What’s the last thing you had to eat? A bagel. Would you rather eat all day or exercise all day? I don't believe you physically could eat all day? And exercising, I'm assuming you'd eventually pass out? But let's be hypothetical. I'd have to choose exercise, I care way too much about not gaining weight. Does one eye tend to be weaker than the other? Yes, my right is considerably worse. What do you think of guys who ask girls out over via text message or internet? It's definitely not my preferred method, but do it if you don't have the courage to in person/just can't for whatever reason. Have you ever had a churro? I believe I have? If I'm remembering the correct treat, it was unbelievably too sweet and I didn't like the crunch. What’s one thing you like about your town? The town itself is real old-fashioned and small. Did you believe that alcohol is more dangerous then weed? I know it is. Do you drink more apple or orange juice? Orange. Are you a fan of the Grand Theft Auto series? Never played, but I highly doubt I'd enjoy it. Do you like the beach? If it wasn't for the wind, blistering heat, and sand. So basically, I don't. I only like being in the ocean. Do you or did you have a curfew at one point? No. Well, correction, if it was a school night before high school and I was out with a friend, I'm sure Mom established something, but idr. Do you peel the wrappers off of plastic bottles? No. What do you think is the youngest age someone should lose their virginity? No younger than 16. But at any age, be. Smart. Have you ever played Super Smash Brothers? I think at friends' as a kid? What do you like on your sundaes? Like, just chocolate syrup lmao. Have you done anything productive today? Well, I exercised some. Do you believe in abstaining from sex until marriage? What I care about is waiting for a person you feel truly in love with. I actually feel like abstaining could be a bad idea, as I'd assume for some people, the desire to have sex would play a factor in them wanting to get married, so marriage could potentially be rushed for the sake of that when you're not adequately prepared in other areas. What is your sexual orientation? Bi. Do you put your name on your food coverings? If I was using a fridge at a job or whatever, yeah, but I'm not in that type of situation. What is something you have acquired with age? Open-mindedness. Would you ever go out in public sporting pajamas? Depends on where I'm going. Have you ever ridden in a race car? No. Do you enjoy history? No. Have you ever changed religions? Twice. Is there anyone to whom you are afraid to stand up to? Mom. And pretty much everyone else. Do you like making lists? Sometimes. Do you play sports with your siblings? Never di- oh wait, Mom signed all three of us up for cheerleading as little kids. Hated it. Are there stairs in your house? No. Do you like onions on your burger? A small amount of minced pieces is fine. Could you ever give yourself a shot? Yeah. What is your favorite room to clean? I get the most satisfaction out of cleaning my own. Do you enjoy cleaning? Not the process of it, just the feeling afterwards. What do you consider your ideal weight? My /ideal/ would be around 120 again, but I'd be happy enough between 130-140. How many pounds do you need to lose (or gain) to be your ideal weight? LET US NOT What is your favorite thing about Valentine’s Day? Just it being a celebration of love, which to me, goes beyond just romantic. I think people should spend a little extra effort in letting one another know they really love each other. Now I believe every day you should treat people with love, but seriously focus on it and be thankful for those you have. If you wear one, what color is your wristwatch? N/A Have you ever made a pair of earrings? No. Who did you inherit your hair color from? I actually think Dad? Going through family pictures after Grampa died, I found out he was actually born dirty-blonde (I've only known him with black), like I was. Pretty sure Mom's was always brown. Have you ever wished that you were born in a different era? Woulda loved being born in the mid-early '80s. Do you prefer soft rock or hard rock? ....... I read "rock" as in like, minerals. And I was. Very confused. High on the list of my dumbest readings. Anyway, definitely hard. What was the best time of your life? As a kid. Do you prefer sunny or cloudy weather? Partly cloudy. How do you like your potatoes? For most of my life I only liked them as fries or as potato skins w/ cheese and bacon bits, but I'm gradually branching out. I like baked potatoes split with cheese and bacon inside too, and Sara's mom exposed me to the very first time I enjoyed mashed potatoes, yeet. So those have to be made a very specific, non-clumpy way. I also like hash browns, but not the shredded kind. Oh yeah, I live for the fiesta potatoes at Taco Bell too like gd good shit. Who’s your best friend? My babygirl. <3 If you don't count her, it'd be my mom, but if she's excluded too being family, I don't really have a best friend. Maybe Girt, idk. What’s a TV show you never miss? I don't watch any shows regularly. The one and only situation where I'd watch every episode ASAP is if Meerkat Manor came back. Have you ever lied about your gender? No. What are you planning on doing on your next birthday? Go out to eat with family, and though unlikely, getting a tattoo would be awwwesome. Do you know anyone else with your last name other than family? I don't think so? Is your favorite band still together? I actually just looked it up because I really wanted to know, and his band's still going, apparently! I thought this coming tour ("No More Tours 2") was the end, but apparently it's just the finale of his world tours. Where do you see most of your concerts? I've only been to one, which was in Raleigh. That's the most likely place we'd go to, though. Have you ever had escargot? Never in my life will I try it. Do you use Google every day? No. What was the last new food you tried that you thought was delicious? Oh my god in Heaven. So, for Christmas, my sis made these hot chocolate cream balls things she found on Pinterest, and literally, maybe the best thing I'd ever had. I just barely had enough discipline to not eat more than one lol. If you could invent a new holiday, what month would you put it in? Hm. Idk. Have you ever had a bedroom with a specific theme? No, I don't think so. If you had to design a room with a theme, what theme would you choose? Gothic, maybe with lil bits of pastel goth for some more personality. What was the best thing that ever happened to you? Realizing I can't just give my entire life to a person, losing any control over it myself. You have to allow yourself to be free; do not chain yourself to a single person. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? No. One, I don't have a source of income, and two, I'm perfectly aware what probably 99% do with it, especially because of my mom, who's pretty much made friends with the homeless on the side of the road, has learned each and every one use drugs or alcohol, so instead she buys them food frequently. That's something I would want to do, but I'm so paranoid of strangers, especially desperate ones, harming me for whatever reason that I probably never will. Do you like your hair better long or short? SHORT. OH MY GOOOOOD CUTTING MY HAIR SHORT WAS ONE OF MY BEST DECISIONS. Have you ever designed your own Facebook timeline cover? Yeah. What is one site that closed down that you wish would come back? Hmmmm. I don't really know. Well, the Animal Planet site still exists, but I wish there was still a dedicated MM section, y'know, with the forums and games and such. Really think it'd be nice if they kept little sections for all of their classic, better-known shows for old fans. Hell, I'm pretty sure MM was their most successful, why not keep remnants of it up there? Do you ever watch TV shows on YouTube? Rarely, if I ever watch a show. Foo Fighters vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Not a real fan of either, but I'd have to choose the former as I enjoy at least two of their songs. Have your parents ever complained about your hair? My mom was reeeaaally shocked and distressed when she arrived at the parlor when I got the "big" haircut and saw how much was gone (eight inches), but only because she was scared I'd hate it. Thankfully she really liked it when it was all said and done. Are you a fan of the Saw movies? Never really watched 'em. How did you decide on your Tumblr name? I'm a sucker for alliteration, and it's a survey blog. Do your friends have the complete opposite music taste as you? My closer friends, not really, actually. Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? I don't know any of my half-siblings' ages, and I forget how old Ashley is sometimes. I forget frequently if she's two or three years older than me. Do you tend to walk places more than drive? Ha, you can't walk to a destination here in the country. I only ever ride/rarely drive anywhere. Do you have any photos of you kissing someone? Yes. Do you ever hang out with your ex? Rarely with Girt. Would you like the ability to read minds? No, especially if you can't choose when it's "on" or "off." Even if you only choose when you do it, idk. Just... doesn't seem like a safe idea. Do you see the same people everyday? Lol that's usually just my mom, and yes. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Are you mad at anyone right now? No. It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, what do you do? Almost a guarantee I won't hear, considering it's on vibrate. Now if I did for whatever reason, ignore it unless it's a contact on my phone. Have you ever fallen backwards on a chair? I believe so, playing as a kid. Last time you laughed so hard you cried? I'm not sure, but considering I do that easily... Who last talked about kissing you? Sara. Who was the last thing/person you took a picture with? My kiiiitty. Did you speak to your father today? No. Would you ever get gauged ears? Definitely no. What aren’t you looking forward to? I really don't mean to sound all emo and whatnot, but I genuinely don't look forward to like every afternoon/early evening, as that's around when I hit my extreme boredom decline, which goes so low I feel death could maybe be more exciting. I am in no way suicidal, I just want this era of isolation, lack of purpose, and no progress towards a great future to end. My life's been at a stand-still for pretty much a year. Would you rather get your tongue or lip pierced? I already have both done. I find my snake eyes way cuter, but when I consider my outward appearance and what people generally see, I'd rather have my labret. What is your favorite personality trait? Kindness. What is the most romantic thing a significant other could do? Idk, but something with deep personal meaning for sure. When you are dating someone, what is the most important thing to you? There has to be a mutual, serious care for our relationship; my partner has to understand I'm not in for a fling. We both have to have the goal of forming and maintaining a healthy, long-lasting, meaningful relationship. If I feel being together is a game to you or just for a couple months of a bit of fun, bye. Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn’t feel it? No. Well, I do with my mom if she's pissed me off and I *feel* like I don't, but I know I do. If you were engaged, would you want a wedding as soon as possible? Not necessarily. I believe engagement is a stage where you're certain you want to get married in the not-so-distant future, but you have other important things to take care of first, like for example, buying a home and stuff like that. When in a relationship do you have to have contact with your partner on a daily basis? I wouldn't freak the hell out if you couldn't talk to me for a day, but I'd definitely want at least a little conversation, especially if we're serious. Do you believe in moving in together before engagement or marriage? Yes. You should know how you're going to handle being with your s/o every single day. Did you ever give a hickey to the last person you kissed or you guys didn’t go that far? Not yet. Is there anyone you want to come see you? Yeah. What was the last thing you saw that scared you? A video of this guy with his giant pet centipede like an idiot (super venomous) crawling all over him. Centipedes creep me the hell out, although at the same time I find them kinda cool. Is there something that’s happened today that you don’t want to ever go through again? No. Is the last person you kissed attractive? Yeah. Do you feel bored with your life? I think I've covered this enough. Who’s someone you miss that you haven’t talked to in years? Megan, more than anyone. Do you have severe withdrawals from medications? I don't think any were ever severe, but I was weaned off of them all I believed. Just honestly I've been on so many since 6th grade that I can't recall each one's ending. I only recall having shadow hallucinations when I was coming off one. What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? Let's not talk about the subject I'm more bitter about than anything else in the entire world. Summary: Don't touch Abilify even if your fucking life depended on it. Do you have a doctor you can trust? My psychiatrist and therapist, very much so. I've only seen my new general doctor twice, so I can't make a fair judgment of her. Mom has a friend who sees her though, and she only has positive things to say about her. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? No. What do you miss about high school? A social life. Art class. What do you miss the most about college? Literally the one and only part I enjoyed at my first college was lunchtime, because Jason and I could spend time together, sometimes with his friends. Second college, nothing. It was online. Have you ever been the victim of a crime? I don't believe so? Is your life worse than you could have ever have imagined it to be? Or is it better, or just what you expected? Ohhhh man... As a kid, I was so sure I'd be amazing. Still had a bit of hope in middle school. High school and beyond, it's, so far, worse than I'd planned. What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? Mountains. Driving through them is unreal. What is one place you have always wanted to visit? Idk about "always." But for the longest amount of time, it's been without a doubt South Africa. Who were your favorite celebrities as a child? Steve Irwin was and still is one of my absolute heroes. I loved Jeff Corwin, Jesse McCartney, Raven Symone, and the Sprouse twins, too. Do you prefer slow songs or fast songs? I'd say generally, faster. What color is your trash can? White. Who was your favorite family pet when you were growing up? We didn't really have a "family" pet, just ones one of us individually were particularly close to. I'd say the closest that qualifies would be Chance, our first cat. She was special. List five of your favorite YouTubers. You Already Know, GameGrumps, Shane Dawson, Daniel Howell, and Jeffree Star, but. I have so many jsfaqoweuoapsf. I wanna squeeze Rhett and Link in there, but while I still love them as people and creators, I've been losing interest in GMM over the months. What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. I also love ravens though for their intelligence and personalities. What pet names do you use with your significant other? A lot, but I'd say either "sweetheart/sweetie" or "dear" are most common from me. I think. How would you describe your sense of humor? Sarcastic, I guess. Have you ever been a member in a band? No. Well, except school band. Have you ever watched yourself on video? Yeeaah, senior project was fun. But I know how I usually am well enough to say I honestly don't feel I did badly. Have you ever missed a flight? Yup. Never go to the O'Hare airport, jfc. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? Yes, and I hope to see the one this Sunday! Are you still in touch with your best friend from high school? No. Any animals whose behaviors you find particularly interesting? AHHHHHHH SO MANY!!!!! Social species' above all. Do you like animals better than most humans? Yes. What simple things in life bring you the most joy? Long car rides when I can play my iPod through the speakers and just go to another world. Sara singing, hearing my mom laugh. Seeing old couples holding hands in public kills me. How did you meet your significant other (if you have one)? YouTube. How did you meet your best friend? She's the same person as above. Are you friends with anybody you didn't like at first? Also see Sara lmao. Are there any musicians you didn't like at first, but grew on you? The first/most recent to come to mind is In This Moment. Is there anything you used to love, but now dislike? Peas as a kid. I'm kinda on the fence of liking or disliking PewDiePie as he is now (although I haven't watched too much of his newer content). Do you have any favorite books you'd like to have signed by the author? It'd be pretty cool for Ozzy to sign my copy of his autobiography, sure. Do you enjoy any of those old black and white horror films? Any one I've ever seen has been horrid, so I haven't seen many. What is your favorite yogurt topping? I loved those ones that had M&Ms in them. Where do you shop the most: Kmart, Target, Walmart, Fred Meyer, or other? Walmart or Harris Teeter. Have you ever done a craft project you saw on Pinterest? No. What beverages do you drink that contain caffeine? Soda. What has been the best experience you've had in a church? Uhhh. Oh, Jason's brother's wedding. Do you prefer that your nachos be spicy or not spicy? Obviously spicy. Have you ever had a kiss that felt magical? Mine and Jason's first was cute, but I don't recall if I thought it was "magical" because all I was focusing on was just how shy I was. First kiss with Sara was definitely more than special. Who is your best online friend? Sara once again. Who knows more about you: online friends or offline? Online, easily. Do you think that love makes people irrational? It can. What book, movie, or TV show did you find to be total garbage? Oh, I'm positive there's something, but nothing comes to mind. Is there a topic that is a sore-spot for you? Mental health and how it may affect your loved ones. Have you ever lost a friend over a guy/girl? Pretty much. Have you ever lost a friend because of a lifestyle change? Yup. Do you like kissing? The right person. What location holds the most memories for you? My childhood home. Hypothetically let’s just say you’re a supervillain. What’s your agenda? What are you trying to destroy and why? I would never want to be, but I suppose the most suitable for me would be punishing the person to break a promise somehow. Why, because I know just how agonizing broken promises can be. What’s your go-to topic when making small talk with others? How their day's been. When you get to be in charge of the tunes on a road trip or party - do you play what you want to hear or tailor the playlist to what you think the other people in the car/room want to hear? I do a mix of both. Thankfully, Mom and I like most of the same music, but I do learn what songs she doesn't like and avoid playing them unless I really wanna hear it. You have any bad habits you shamelessly don’t care to or plan to quit? Shamelessly, idk about that. There’s an app for everything. What apps consume the most of your time and energy? Facebook. The most overrated thing ever - what is it? I literally judge you if you have a bigass, obnoxiously loud truck. Compensating for something? The most underrated? Ummmm. Talking about pointless shit and doing nothing while enjoying your favorite person's presence is surely one. What’s something you find unconventionally romantic? Teaching your s/o how to play a game together and you both are enjoying it asjfaoswuw. One of my most cherished memories with Jason was that with Little Big Planet. Just in general I find it super cute to share what you love with each other.

[basement-office-log]

Some Thoughts about BTS...

So... this is basically, the story of how I got in and out of the BTS fandom. (Okay not exactly out because I’m still casually following them nowadays)

How I discovered them is ironically, like many of you, through youtube. It was just before the Run era I guess??? (around the end of 2015). Like somewhen between the Dope and Run era that I got in the fandom.

I guess I can consider myself as one of those depressed fans (lol), I actually remembered there was a option in the BTS fan survey around their BS&T era(???) that said “are you the kind of person that is easily depressed” and I ticked yes.

Almost instantaneously, I fell for the song “Butterfly” it was just the prologue that released back then. The MV was beautifully made, with a sad happy yet depressed undertone, perfectly described how I’m feeling back then.

I first noticed I’m depressed back then in 2015 (let’s be honest, college makes everyone depressed), more like “ahh so this is what being depressed is”. 

And what now... I’m writing this after a tiring long day at work so things may jump back and forth... 

Both their HYYH albums, I had gone through countless late nights listening the tracks on repeat, those are still my favourite albums up till today. Beapsae, instead of partying, that was the song that kept me awake till 5 a.m. ahh those memories... Same with Dope, I did not read the english lyrics until the hundredth repeat lmao. I was actually expecting the song to be about how cool I am, come to oppa and I’ll make you the princess kind of lyrics but ehh boi you surprised me with those raps hmmm....... 

And... Jungkook, I did not like him when I first got into the fandom, to be honest. Because he’s younger than me and also he’s the center, main vocal of the group, despite the youngest. I remembered I was like, wow cocky brat isn’t it. Hehhhhhh but I grew to like him over time anyway, he’s cute, talented, good looking and all but still, it would be hella a headache if I were to have a younger brother like him.

It took me a year to like Jungkook because... The more I look at stuff, he’s just a regular boy, growing up, working hard, trying not to disappoint his parents and people around him. In a sense, aren’t we all just like that? There really is no reason to hate. 

Another member is Jimin. He’s another member that I don’t quite like when I just got in the fandom. We all know that he acted a bit flirtatious during his debut days, up to the Danger era, honestly, his eye make-up makes me feeling uncomfortable to look at him. That’s the first thing. The appearance and the way he acts, in no way I’m trying to say he’s ugly, because if I were to compare myself to him, umm I probably looked like a bum lol.

It took me a lot longer to like Jimin, it’s until the Spring Day era that I thought, alright Jimin is charismatic and cute, admit it. Hah yea... Now, this is when the second stage of not liking Jimin comes. I started to fear him. It’s weird I know, why would I scared of “the mochi of BTS” Let me tell you why.

It’s scary to see how hard a person can work, that his goal is probably more important than his life. It makes me think that I am not and will not be a person like this, living is more important than what I am achieving. I wouldn’t want to risk my life doing things, however important that thing might be. Well people said, you will never achieve your goal like this if you don’t put your life on it. But I don’t care about that, but at the same time I’m feeling guilty about that. 

It might be a Korean thing, we all know Koreans worked insanely hard because of society standards. Or it also could be a Jimin thing, Nevertheless, this man have my respect. The respect that I keeps me away from accepting him.

I’m kind of in the neutral range with Suga, J-hope and Jin like they are cool, fantastic, great people. 

-----

This is almost 24 hours later, since the last paragraph. Again, a long and tiring day, after work, prolly a few minutes away from losing consciousness (a.k.a. falling asleep lol)

This shit is going to be very VERY long, nah it doesn’t matter because no one is going to read this anyway, even if I tagged BTS below, I’m writing this for myself.

I’ll just briefly talk about RM and V before going into my main topic today, (all because I cut myself off yesterday to hit the hay ekkk).

Rapmon bro, the reason why I decided to look into this group is because of his mixtape. I have 2 of his tracks in my old phone back then, everything was gone when my phone literally died a few months back. (The whole album is available for free download anyway so its all good) I have no interest in hip hop or whatsoever back then, but I became interested in hip-hop just a little after listening to his mixtape album. He is really someone I look up to, honestly, it’s no easy job to be a leader, not just in idol groups but just in every field in general. I tried becoming one because my mother always expect me to be one, after a few attempts (it was back in high school by the way) I thought it’s just not my thing, I’m more of a following instruction kind of person, I do my part and make sure everyone is okay. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to become a leader like person. In the future, maybe... But my depression went really downhill these days, so I’m not sure if that day will come. But I do aspire to become someone like him.

V or I prefer calling him Tae. He is my first bias. His existence just screams “RELATABLE” to me, (minus his looks) He seemed to be struggling with words whenever he tries to say something. That also is something I had to deal with on a daily basis. It’s like when you have good looks, everything you did is cute, but for me, it’s more like an annoyance. So I tried to keep quiet as much as possible. Nevertheless, I just hope that I will meet someone that will understand the way I talk like the other BTS members did with Tae, have a best friend like Jimin and... yea.

BTS hmm the annual sit and talk for part of their BTS Festa thingy, it’s called the Dinner Party this year hmm cool. I stopped watching after the first 30 minutes, for the exact reason why I also did not watch more than 5 minutes of last year’s sit and talk.

We all know that, they had achieved tremendous success for the past few years. A lot of their songs often circle around their hardships and what fuck the haters?? If that make sense. Whenever they have talks like this, I always bail myself out there, and yea I never install Vlive back after I got this new phone because there really is no reason to catch every live and Run BTS episodes now.

This was not long before the DNA era, I always found myself having thoughts like:

“So you have started to avoid BTS hmm?” Yea right, took me a while to admit. I used to not miss a single notification. There is no more random videos on the BangtanTV channel as they get more and more popular, there is just backstages and really just back stages and behind the scenes of their daily schedules and tours. It shows that they are working hard, really hard. Which leads me to the next question.

“It feels uncomfortable isn’t it, comparing yourself to a worldwide famous group of artist?” Hmph. I worked hard, really hard. I even live by the motto, do or die. But that doesn’t seemed to be enough. People around me, always told me that I should push myself more. I DID, I REALLY DID, BUT WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT.

“But BTS can, why can’t you?” I’m just going to work harder, I tell myself. I don’t have to face the same pressure as BTS did, I’m having it way more easier. But at the same time, there is seven of them in BTS, but there is only one me.

The voice at the back of my head, you are not helping.

I swiped away all notifications from BangtanTV ever since. 

Because seeing them having each other around reminds me how am I not going to have friends like this, how I’m never going to achieve this much. But mostly it reminds me how lonely I am.

By the time the Mic Drop remix released, I started having what I called the depressive episodes. I think I’m going to describe them as a waking nightmare, all the thoughts in my head are killing each other, fighting for the limited space in my head. Which ever thought that dominate my mind is the winner. I stared into blankness, tears and snots all over my face, hyperventilating while finding excuses to tell people what happened to me if anyone ever sees me. 

Honestly I don’t think people is going to read this... but the tag is down there just for the slightest hope that people that come across this will know that, ahh there are people like this out there too... Some of you might think, this is pathetic, attention seeking but at the end of the day, I just want some closure for myself. I need to admit that, no matter how much interviews I watch, how much memes I’ve seen everyday, they are not going to be my friends. They will forever be the people in screens, and I belong to the 97% of the population that will lead a normal life.

Here I am, the Fake Love era that comes to a close. I can’t even bring myself to listen to the whole album, because chances are, some of the lyrics are going to trigger the shit out of me. Same goes with Suga’s mixtape, J-hope’s mixtape.

I really miss the days where they made simple love songs like the ones in the Dark and Wild album. Blanket Kick is my personal favourite. 

I’m sure there are still a lot more that I had in mind but I just forget what is it about to include in this. I’ll get a part 2 done when there is time. 

BTS now just feels like the popular kids I went to school with, now graduated from a school named ARMY, they are like the ex-classmates I bump into once in a while. Thank you, for the best 3 years in my life. I had lots of laughter, times that I forgot about my sadness and your warm words that took me through difficult times. You are the reason that I survived until today and also the trigger of some of my episodes. 

SInce it’s already past midnight, I wanted to say Happy 5th debut anniversary, stay healthy (to both BTS and ARMY out there) be happy and may you all be reaching higher and higher till you celebrate your 10th anniversary. (or maybe longer)

*Just a sidenote, as a Malaysian fan, I’m just going to keep calling Rapmon, Rapmon because RM is our effin currency, I don’t want to be reminded of money issues whenever I thought of you. As far as I know, you do have a beautiful name as your mother definitely did not named you Rap Monster. It’s just that stage name exist for a reason. And I think I know at least 5 Jins in real life, so the wide shoulder hyung is just going to be Kim Seok Jin in my head haha yea.

[eldritchsurveys]

1036.

5k Survey LXXVI

3901. What is the most annoying tv ad? >> Implying that they aren’t all annoying? 3902. If you died, how would you hope others would remember you? >> I’m not concerned about that right now. I’m still on “are people even going to care?”, so. 3903. Name 2 questions that you will most likely never say 'no' to: >> This reminds me of how Sparrow and I have “body snatcher” questions -- like, questions you’d ask if you’re suspicious that the other person has been possessed or replaced by a lookalike impostor or whatever. And one of hers for me is “do you want Red Robin?” because I never say no to Red Robin, lmao. 3904. What is the softest part of your body? >> I don’t know, man. My organs??? 3905. What family do you want to see in place of the Osbournes when they finally stop doing their show? >> ---

3906. If you could pick 3 bands to go on tour together who would they be? >> I don’t care. We can’t go to concerts right now anyway. 3907. What is a main differance between western and eastern philospohy? >> Location. 3908. Would you be fooled by Joe/Josephine Millionaire? >> Who? 3909. Do you believe Michael Jackson does innoprpriate things at his Neverland Ranch? Like what? >> I don’t care. I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care. When he died the first thing I thought was, “oh, good, then I won’t have to hear about this shit anymore”. That’s how much I do not care. 3910. What do you think of gov. Ryan who cleared out Illinois' death row? >> This means nothing to me. 3911. Would you want a $500 gift certificate to: Kmart or Target? Target. Kmart doesn’t even exist in this area anymore. Macy's or Hot Topic? Macy’s. As much as I nostalgically love Hot Topic, let’s be real -- the clothing quality is shit, not to mention that they really don’t sell the same shit I used to love about them anymore. Border's Books or Spencer Gifts? oh, I miss Borders! :’( Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood? I don’t wear lingerie, so I guess you’ll be giving that Frederick’s gift certificate to Sparrow. 3912. What do you think of this website: www.blackpeopleloveus.com/ >> Oh, that’s hilarious. I’m glad I actually went to see what it was, considering I’m usually lazy about that on surveys, lol. 3913. Man vs Elephant. A zookeeper was treating a constipated elephant. He gave her too much laxitive. Suddenly everything exploded out onto the zookeeper. He was knocked to the ground where he hit his head on a rock and got knocked out. There he suffocated under a pile of elephant dung. True story. Is it a funy story? If yes, what is funny about it? Why is it so taboo to laugh at death? >> I can see the humour in it -- I love ridiculous death stories -- but the concept is too gross for me to think about. And it’s taboo to laugh at death because people often feel like if you laugh at something you can’t also take it seriously when need be -- which isn’t true at all, in my experience. I laugh at death jokes and funny death stories without fail, but if someone told me someone they loved just died in [insert ridiculous way here] I’m not going to fucking laugh in their face about it. (People are welcome to laugh if I die in a ridiculous way, though. I’d probably do it on purpose just to add some levity to the situation.) 3914. What are your favorite five things from this list: alternate realities, animals, astronomy, birds, camus, cats, cheap trick, cocaine, cooking, costumes, dancing, elvis, gambling, greta garbo, james dean, jeff buckley, joy division, marilyn monroe, mixed drinks, moody blues, morrissey, mozart, my bloody valentine, orbital, pizza, playing flute, prince, radiohead, rummy 500, scrabble, table tennis, talk talk, van morrison, writing >> Alternate realities, astronomy, dancing, James Dean, Joy Division. Also mixed drinks. Preferably while listening to Joy Division and looking at the stars. 3915. Do you have to read lots to be able to write well? >> I think it helps. 3916. Vanilla ice. Everyone loved him, suddenly everyone hated him. What was the deal?? >> I’m sure there was a story, but I certainly don’t care enough to know it. 3917. If you could kick one person out of the grammies who would it be (Avril, Eminem, etc)? >> --- 3918. Studies have revealed that when sending out a resume a person has a 50% higher chance of getting a responce if their name is white sounding than if it is black sounding. What do you think about this? Why do companies respond this way? >> I don’t know what these “studies” are, whether they actually existed, or whether they were even reputable (or repeatable...), but in the case that that does happen, it wouldn’t surprise me. Like, racism is a real thing that has real repercussions, lmao. We been knew. 3919. Should Big Fat Greek Wedding really be a Big Fat Greek sitcom? >> I don’t know??? 3920. What are you addicted to? >> Nothing. 3921. What fascinates you? >> A lot of things. 3922. What is fascinating about you? >> I’m not sure. 3923. Personality wise, is anything the same for all human beings and if so, what? >> I don’t know, and I wouldn’t dare to speculate. 3924. What kind of a contest woud you have a shot at winning? >> I’m not sure. 3925. You see a dirty punk kid who had a giant cowboy hat on who is rolling his own cigarettes. Your impression? >> “hah, check out Mini Odin over here”, probably. 3926. What would you never want to have more than 2 of? >> Ears??? I don’t know, dude. 3927. Is there a movie you just could not finish watching? What and why? >> Yeah, there’s quite a few movies like that. Beyond the Black Rainbow was one. It was just too fucking esoteric for me. 3928. Is there anyone that you love and want to be around for no explainable reason? >> Well, I mean, there’s a reason... it’s because Can Calah is wonderful and makes me feel good to be around. 3929. Would you go to times square for new years? >> Fuck no. I used to live like a 15-minute walk from Times Square and I still wouldn’t go on NYE. That is literal pure hell and I really don’t know why people do that to themselves. Watching it on TV at home with people you like (or even just by yourself/with your dog) and some snacks and a bottle of champagne is the true ideal. 3930. Do you think that there are to many signs blocking up the scenery? >> Like... street signs??? Is this a reference to something 3931. Did video really kill the radio star? >> *shrug* 3932. What was your favorite atari game? >> I’ve never played Atari. 3933. what is your favorite neon color? >> Neon green. 3934. Do you get depressed eveytime it rains? If yes, why? >> No, although a rainy day may exacerbate an already gloomy mood (I am absolutely solar-powered). 3935. 'The more you admit that all your actions are robotic, the less robotic you are.' What does Tim leary mean by this? Do you agree or disagree and why? How much of your actions do you admit are robotic? >> I personally don’t know what the fuck he’s on about, but all those “LSD gurus” said some weird shit like that on a regular basis. It was part of their charm, I guess (and definitely fit in with all the counterculture stuff going on in that era). 3936. Are we not men? >> Well, I’m not. I’m a spider. 3937. Is it easy to be you? Would being someone else make it any easier? >> It is very much not easy to be me. Being me is often so exhausting and energy-consuming that I can’t do anything else some days. I don’t know what it is like to be anyone else, though, so I can’t comment on that. I’m doing my best with what I’ve got. 3938. Why are sex religion and politics such taboo subjects? >> Because people usually have very strong, deep-set beliefs and opinions about those things, which can lead to strife if everyone in the room is not in agreement. 3939. Is there really a differance between republicans and democrats? >> Yes. Otherwise the divide wouldn’t exist in the first place. I would allow that the differences are changeable (as the foundational policies of both parties have shifted over time), but they still exist either way. 3940. Imagine someone has a great personality, sense or humor, family and job. they also really really like you a lot. Would you consider dating them if they: were fat? limped? were a midget? had hiv? were paralized in one arm? had a glass eye? had only 6 months to live?

3941. What makes you experiance nostalgia? >> I mean, a lot of things. 3942. What do you remember about these historical figures: Woodrow Wilson? Hellen Keller? Christopher Columbus? 3943. Out of the above three figures, one is a huge racist, one is a socialist and one is a slave trader. Can you guess which is which? Racist: socialist: slave trader: 3944. Betcha they didn't tell you that in american history. Wilson, Keller and Columbus are painted as heros, impossibly good, ideal people. Why are so many things ommitted from and lied about in american history text books? >> *sigh* 3945. Do you drink super caffinated energy drinks? >> I don’t drink energy drinks, and I avoid caffeine levels higher than that which is in a cup of black tea. 3946. eminem or moby? >> Eminem. 3947. spongebob or the animanicas? >> I’ve never seen the Animaniacs, but I don’t much care for Spongebob, so I guess I’d watch Animaniacs if I had to choose. 3948. Why do people rush to grow up only to wish they were a child again? >> Social pressure, and then disillusionment. *shrug* My best guess. That’s not the experience I had/am having, so I can’t speak from experience. 3949. Why do people sacrifice their health to obtain money and then use the money to restore their health? >> Because capitalism is hell. 3950. Jetsons or Flintstones? >> I don’t have a preference. They kind of strike me as the same show just set in wildly opposite time periods, lol.

[artdjgblog]

Innerview: Stephanie Haselman / Indie Workshop May 2005 Photo: ​Travis Wears, 2004​

Note: Blog feature.

0​1) Your work seems to have quite a range. Can you talk a little about the various mediums you work in? Many people ask me this. It is not that I set out to use a certain this or that. Most of the time it is intuition, or whatever lies in the path. Sometimes it’s really what’s in front of me or whatever I find that solves the problem efficiently and effectively. Every day is different. Every day my mind is different. I sometimes get silly because I obsess over if a project should wait because the ideas could be in a totally different language tomorrow or next week. Though, sometimes I only have a small hoop to jump through…and thus, must crank it out. There are times when I will try not to approach the same thing, and in the same way twice. I do have strict rules with myself about recycling my own work…unless I truly need to. There may be a definite feel and/or look to my body of work, but I try to reach each solution in a different way. It’s more about idea and process than trying to earn cool points. I’m not really concerned with the current styles and trends in the news, books or galleries. When a person spends their time worrying about that stuff, they can become easily lost or burnt. It’s all a vessel. It’s all chaff. I was never really a fan of piggy-back riding. The majority of my time is spent not thinking, rather doing. I may pick things out of the street, off of my floor, or rummage stores/sales and keep them for my boxes-full-of-potential-goodie-use, but sometimes I never know where and how they will be conceived (sometimes they just find a place in a scrap book or on a shelf). However, there are times when I will get a certain image in my head rather quick…and I will instantly know how and why it needs to be done in a particular medium. Every time somebody starts asking, or saying why and how…or, that I’m a this or a that…I start to overthink. That’s when it can become dangerous. That’s when I consciously try to get one step ahead of myself. The only competition I have is myself. 0​2) Is there a particular era or movement that inspires your work with collage? There are definitely certain art & design movements and individuals that have inspired me with collage, cut-paper and a more hands-on technique. These include: Constructivism, European Art/Design, Hans Schleger, Lester Beall, Paul Rand, Saul Bass, Ivan Chermayeff, Push Pin Studio, Ray Johnson, Art Chantry, Stanley Donwood, Philip Cheaney (it keeps going and going). Really, design is collage in the truest form: cooking up a batch of ingredients to get a final product or solution…in hopes the audience will eat it up…or it sometimes eats them (sometimes it can eat the birth parent too). I started doing collage work at a young age with my older brother, simply thumbing through Mom’s magazines and cutting out fun words and imagery. Eventually, after struggling with drawing I found that I liked to illustrate with collage. It’s not that it was easier, I just enjoyed it better and I enjoyed the very hands-on appeal and variety that came from it. I could be more aggressive or I could be more subtle with it. I especially liked doing things from scratch more and more after I was taught design on the computer. I didn’t like, and still don’t like that screen barrier that keeps me from actually touching my work. The first semester at college we didn’t even touch a computer, and I was so naive to them anyway that I didn’t care. We were mainly doing a lot of hands-on, fundamental projects. It’s funny because one day I was talking with some friends about our second semester of design, and beyond. They were all gung-ho about finally getting on a computer to do their design. I mentioned how I was going to take the non-computer route of the graphic arts. They all kind of looked at me like I was stupid and told me that I had to learn the computer if I wanted to pass school and get anywhere in the modern design world. That is so funny to me now, since I’ve started my own thing and have had a little bit of success with my creations. Designing on a computer was quite a struggle at first (and still is at times). For a short time in college I even considered not doing design because the computer was a huge road block to me. However, after the struggle with myself and with computers, I soon realized what a valuable learning experience I was in. But, I didn’t completely realize that, and I didn’t really find myself until school was halfway over. My design/illustration professors hailed from Eastern Europe and Russia. They stressed drawing and more of an old fashioned hands-on approach. They taught the computer, but they also preached that the computer is only a tool. The instructors at Southwest Missouri State University (now called Missouri State University), being from a different part of the world and culture than I, had a tremendous amount of influence on me. Along with the fundamentals (which I use more than anything each day), I was taught to find my voice of expression. It took me a couple of years to really process it and really understand what I was going to do with design. When I started doing so, it was in more of a hands-on way. If illustration or drawing communicated more effectively, then so be it. If strictly a typographical method…and so-on. It was a very creative environment, with so many things mixed in the pot. Towards my last year I didn’t really have an emphasis that bent me in a significant way. I had kind of learned to put it all together, draw from that pool and focus more on idea…with the methods of reaching being unhandicapped. It was an incredible learning environment. I not only looked up to my instructors, I also fed off of my friends/classmates. The energy there is quite incredible (it’s one of the best kept secrets in the country)….that is, if you really “get it”, and are willing to partake and work. I just wish I would have worked harder. However, I think I did work hard, it just took me a bit longer to develop and see my potential. There isn’t really a formulated way of “getting it” in design (or life for that matter). The “getting it” comes more individually…finding that certain thing that lights the fire. After visiting several design firms and professional working atmospheres, I would always come home disappointed and unfullfilled. I felt the things that I could do best, and really enjoyed doing, weren’t found in a lot of design firms. And being very protective of my creative abilities, and very private, I did not want to work in a potentially smoothering situation. I don’t see anything wrong with designers working in those environments, it just wasn’t my calling and I just didn’t want to go that route personally. So, after doing a few music related projects on the side and being inspired by a lecture from legendary designer Art Chantry (who simply told me, “Expect to starve…several times over.”), I decided to drop-out of school, move to Kansas City and begin my own design adventure. Fortunately, I kind of hit it at the right time because music poster designers are getting a lot more creative recognition than they used to. Of course, now you can throw a rock and hit a poster designer. 0​3) You obviously do a lot of work for local bands in Kansas City such as the James Dean Trio, Namelessnumberheadman, and The Elevator Division. What can you say about the local music scene there and how it has influenced your work? In college I befriended the band Elevator Division, started designing for them, and we all eventually moved into a large, old house in January of 2002. For over two years that orange and poop-brown Kansas City ghetto home leaked with productivity. It was an incredible creative monster at it’s peak of development…DJG Design operated out of an old photography studio in the basement and a nook in the garage that was literally made out of old doors and mattresses, Elevator Division practiced and recorded in the basement (along with four or five other bands/projects along with a part time recording studio), there was creative writing brimming out of the top floor and much chaos on the two floors in between. At one point you couldn’t fit another person in there. Full-time inhabitants were sleeping on floors and couches and touring bands/musicians would stay there about every other weekend and there was always a visitor or two. I think there were close to ten or twelve people actually living there at one time (which I’m sure is illegal). When we sat down to do the exact family tree of our time in the house it was astounding as to how many people stayed or lived there….we even had rats coming up from the local doughnut shop and random birds coming out of the walls…even a cat or two. However, all great towers are toppled and thus Bunker 5032 collapsed in the Spring of 2004. I am very thankful for the time we all shared, and we all peacefully departed our own ways. A lot of things came and went in the wake of that, but I think we all took a little bit of that magic with us. The thing I miss most is the brotherhood we had. We all helped each other, and not just as friends but on a business scale too. For instance, the bands that lived there (I think there was about three or four at one time) and the ones that visited, all needed graphic design…and I could easily be found tormenting myself in the dungeon. For some of my clients/friends who didn’t have a key to the place, I developed a special knock on my West basement wall for them so I could run up and let them in. I’ve never really had to go out of my way with self-promotion…it has been mostly a trickle-down effect. So, this is how I officially started my design odyssey. This is how I was creating at such a rapid rate and meeting so many bands and people that needed my sword of protection. One of my favorite memories from that time is when I was creating the packaging for Elevator Division’s “Whatever Makes You Happy” EP. I had wrestled with my design for a couple of months, and finally completley changed it at the last minute of the production process. This project was made out of cardboard, with each design individually cut, glued and spray painted by my shaky hands. In one of the biggest rain storms that I can remember, my idea (and I) came alive like Frankenstein’s monster. I was spray painting out of a small room in the basement and was starting to get a little nauseous from the fumes and pure madness of it all. In the third hour, a loud crack of thunder shook that mighty house frame and I bursted out of the basement in a large puff of red, and with red paint streaming out of my nostrils, ears and hair. I then dived off of the front porch, head-first down the small grass embankment and into the gushing current in the street…all of this in full view of the drug dealing squatters that stayed across the street. Anyway, it is one of my favorite designs and favorite design moments. Since moving my operations into a small apartment on my own, and not really getting out to shows much, I don’t have the outlet for client potential and client relationship like I once did. Though, I gained great assets in privacy, two kitty cats and keeping things in order, it was a strange transition because the life in some of my friendships died a bit and I didn’t know how I was going to continue my design quest. In the past year I haven’t done the amount of work like I did in the first two years, but I am still doing a lot. And no matter how much I do I still need more to pull out from under my pillow in the morning. I do set goals to make at least fifty posters a year, but I always feel like that’s a wimpy goal to accomplish. My main client right now is The Brick, a really great music venue in Kansas City, Missouri. I still make posters for other various shows/bands/musicians, but the ones I do for The Brick are always some of my favorites. I also have an exhibition there every December. It’s kind of a yearly DJG Design bowel cleaning. I still design for local indie lable The Record Machine from time to time and anyone else who comes knocking. I also have many things in the works and some plans to get my name out a bit more too. A milestone in my new place was having sixteen nice design girls from Iowa State University visit. It was so nice. I don’t think I could have done that while living with a bunch of guys. There is a pretty decent music (and art) scene here in Kansas City and in Lawrence, Kansas. Though, at times it feels non-existent. But, perhaps that’s because I’m not really into the whole thing…which is kind of strange because I like music and I like producing music graphics. Also, scenes can be very band wagon-like sometimes…and sometimes bands have to show their worth by making it in other cities before they are fully recognized and appreciated here. The older I get the less shows I go to, or even want to go to…I kind of maxed-out my concert punch card a couple years ago and I am usually too broke or tired. It’s not that I don’t care, I kind of just stay home more, watching movies and studying…or designing. It’s kind of funny how I slipped under the radar here. I am so out of a loop that is so small and fragile that the people who are in it are probably behind at times too. I’ve got nothing against it all, it’s just kind of interesting how I’m not really a part of it. I’m well into my fourth year here, and though I’ve got my work up around town, and nationally recognized in magazines and books…it seems like I’m still not really known here. I’m ok with that though. I’ve always kind of kept a low profile without even trying to. I just get up and do my thing. And as a designer I don’t really have to show my physical face…though, I guess I do expose many faces of myself through the work. But, that’s left up to subjective interpretation. Anyway, It would be detrimental for the city if they had to watch me give the six o’clock news every night. 0​4) Your paintings and illustrations seem to feature a lot of animals. Is this a personal interest of yours? My most vivid memories/experiences have all involved animals in some way. Growing up on a farm extremely helped me pass the time. I was never bored. There was always a new adventure and animals played a major role in my life. I have too many random incidents and stories to tell (and I do not want to take up all of the indie workshop server space). However, one of the things that had a major role in my life was a dead animal backpack that my grandmother made for me. It was denim and lined with plastic for easy cleanup. Very quite brilliant and I wish I still had it. Sadly though, I think it was tossed for stinky reasons some time ago. I don’t really think a lot about the animals depicted in my work. A lot of times when I work it’s like a “Choose Your Own Adventure”. Things just keep building until they are complete, or they just kind of happen. Hardly ever do I consciously make a decision to draw an animal unless I truly need one. Once I had a thought of doing a Noah’s Ark-like tribute. Perhaps I’ll jump on the boat this instant. The best thing I’ve done since I was a child, depicts a lonely handicapped water buffalo that I brought to life while on hold with the phone company. Sadly though, precious Mortimer was stolen at an exhibition…and more so, I did not have any copies, slides, or scans…nor can I even begin to reproduce him. He is sadly missed each day. Hopefully he will come back to me, and justice will reign on the poor soul(s) who cheated me. If I do really start thinking about animals…which you have gotten me to do… well, apart from animals adapting to man and invention, I think about how they haven’t really changed much (at least from my unscholared animal knowledge). I find their need for survival and reproduction so much more intelligent and superior than ours. Sometimes I sit and wonder what my voice sounds like in an animal’s ears…or what their thoughts are about me. I also think about the beast in man…that constant wrestle. And if I could be an animal, I’d perhaps be a centaur with dust mops as hind legs with a cookie dangled in front of my crooked teeth. However, most centaurs prefer to romp naked, and I would not be comfortable with that. ​0​5) Personally, I’m interested in how an artist’s childhood has influenced their creative output, particularly Midwesterners. How do you think your life so far has inspired your work? While developing in my toddler and grade school bedrooms/art classes, I really enjoyed that head-to-hand doodling and scribbling…that awkward imagery, in a world that was mine (and I still do). I think that those glorious and beautiful naive drawings and things that we all did…and more importantly, our young ways of thinking…that stuff is the real meat and potatoes of life and has a higher value of truth and purity than most professional art and design, business and so-ons. Growing up on a farm in the Midwest definitely played a major role in my artistic development. It’s so interesting because I don’t know where I got my artistic jeans from. There are very few artists in my collective family tree, that I know of. As I extend those jeans in design form, my siblings are too in their own ways…my younger brother is a musician, my older brother works at Disney World and my sister has a young child of her own, so I guess she is going through all of that art and discovery stuff right now too. We were definitely raised in a rural society, but it’s almost like we never finished growing on that branch in some regards. I feel that in some weird way a mold was kind of broken. I don’t know how it happened. It’s not like we were gifted, considered golden or special by any means… we started as children like everyone else. We were always drawing or creating, every week we were into something new. My brothers and sister and I would always be in the sand box, yard, creek, timber, and bedroom, re-creating the places or things we had just visited and experienced: tractor pulls, theme parks, state fairs, museums, sporting events, cities, movies, television…you name it we framed it. I don’t think my parents ever really put a cap on our creativity or with what we could or couldn’t do, even with movies and television programming. I can remember always watching cartoons and creative movies and tv shows…sometimes violent and filthy ones. Always playing war, building forts and tree houses, drawing WWII battle scenes with my dad, dragging dead animals into the yard with the dogs, even hunting at a young age. Even in high school, when everyone else my age was moving on with dating, going out…the typical stuff, I managed to continue to hold onto a large chunk of my childhood. Sometimes I would rather spend my nights and free time drawing or researching in my room…hmmm, actually I haven’t really changed much. One of the little things growing up that I remember (and try to apply with life) is how some of the kids had the giant boxes of crayons (you know, the box that had fifty different colors or something ridiculous like that?). Well, I always had the small pack and I knew it took more than a bunch of colors or a name brand to get me where I personally wanted to go. I could go on and on about my childhood (short snippets of it can be read on my website). More importantly, I and my siblings were raised in a good home. We were taught right from wrong and we knew our limits. At times we certainly weren’t the best kids, but my parents gave us everything they could. I am very thankful for my upbringing (Thanks Mom and Dad), and I appreciate it more and more the older I get. It’s funny because when I was in high school there was a hunger in me that wanted to get out of that rural environment so bad…but, now that I’m older, it’s nice to to go back to the farm. I think that someday I would like to live on a farm, but I would want to be a little bit closer to a larger city. Perhaps I’ll even get a chicken or two. Anyway, it’s not that I thought I was a great artist as a child/young adult…I just enjoyed it. However, when I finally decided to pursue a future in art and I got to the point when I started recognizing for myself what “real” drawing and “real” design was, I realized that my skills lacked (or, at least I thought they did). This I especially found out with my first couple of years in college. It was like starting over. At times I didn’t think all of this was meant for me. It was really discouraging and I fell behind a bit. It wasn’t until my third year, after finally getting the strength to take illustration classes, that I really started getting comfortable with myself again. I really started “getting it” and learning how to apply myself to “it”. I finally started discovering things about myself again. It was such a crucial moment in my life. I was like a kid again and having fun with it…actually getting something out of it and not just doing it for a passing grade. From there I stopped wrestling with my drawing self, and with a few other parts of myself. Through the more recent years I’ve also found my eyes popping-in-love with Folk Art, Graffiti, Polish Posters, Push Pin Studios, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Saul Steinberg, Cy Twombly, Paul Klee, Joan Miro…I could go on and on. However, it seems that so many kids really find their sense of design smell by picking other people’s noses. They may be really good at it, but hand-me-downs can only get you so far before they begin to fall apart. I think it is great to study others, maybe even borrow a piece of yarn or two. Everyone does it, everyone has their influences and certain kings ‘n’ wings in their own design heavens. But, it can be dangerous if crucial development doesn’t take place on a personal level. I’m not saying that you have to be one-hundred-percent fresh, or have to go a certain route…that’s near impossible, nothing is completely original anymore. However, it’s putting your own touch on it…a thumb print…a soul. That is what gets me off the couch to do this. If I couldn’t find myself in my own work, learn more about myself, and really get my hands dirty, then I would take a scoop shovel to all of it ( and roast a hot dog or two). Somedays it’s like learning to walk again…or Indian arrowhead hunting…or plucking fatted ticks from the farm dog and squishing them with a stick…or studying for a fifth grade spelling test when the words were starting to get a bit more challenged…or stressing over who to take to the prom, when you honestly don’t want to attend…but you end up going and having a good time anyway. So, I’m a believer in everything that has made up my life has brought me to this point in this here interview. I don’t think I’m explaining all of this in the exact way that I want to…but it is close, and foremost I trust you “get it”. Thank you for your valuable time, patience and showing interest in me and my work. Spread the good word. Now, get to work! -djg

[cyberstabbing]

Non AUs/Somewhat Canon

Unequivocal - This is how it would have happened. 38k

Hear Me Out - It’s not so much the turning into a girl that’s a problem; that’s happened before. It’s the fact that Frank doesn’t turn back. 23k

Okay but this …  was so much more than I could have hoped for. Definitely raised the bar for everything else.

Ice Cubes And Rubber Bands - “It’s hot.“

”Shut up.“

”It’s so fucking hot and I’m melting.“

“You’ve said that like fifty fucking times in a row now shut the fuck up and stop whining!” Frank grits through his teeth, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

“It’s not my fault that we are stranded here in the middle of fucking nowhere, Frank”, Gerard says, a bitchy undertone in his voice. It almost sounds like he’s trying to pick a fight. Frank takes a deep breath and closes his eyes; it’s too fucking hot to deal with Gerard’s allures right now. 7k (if you include part two)

Breakdown on the L.I.E. - Frank jerked awake when his dream was interrupted by a squealing banshee, which turned out to be the van grinding and squealing to a halt. 6k

every man - “I won't—we’re a band, Marc,” Gee says, “I’m not—shit. I’m not the girl who stays home.” 1k

with the lights on - Frank is weirdly chivalrous in some ways. He always opens doors for her, he lights her cigarettes like he’s in a forties movie or something, and he always offers her the last seat, even if it means that he has to sit on the floor. 10k

Sparkle Motion - For the next week, Gerard woke up every morning to a new list of Words that Describe how Gerard is In Bed pinned on the fridge. It disappeared after one of them wrote, ‘Sparkle Motion’ because, Bob explained to Gerard, they felt they’d nailed Gerard’s essence with that one. 6k

A Natural Reaction to Rough-housing - He made it to the bathroom and stood there leaning heavily on the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. He didn’t look like a creepy sadist. But neither did Christian Bale, and that hadn’t ended well for anybody. 27k

Sweet Caffeine (and Love of Liberace) - In which Brian tasered them into it, Gerard read too many comic books as a kid, Jamia isn’t worried about anything, and Bob doesn’t wear a codpiece. 4k

Now Honey, Don’t You Cry - Frank has always had an irrational fear of thunder, but when it causes a breakdown beyond that of ‘irrational,’ Gerard vows to find the truth. 6k

Pavlov’s Dog - It’s during one of their coveted hotel nights that Frank finally has enough. 1k

Reaching Through The Mirror - The one where Party Poison and Basement!Gerard have sex. 5k

(part one of Time Travel ‘verse)

James Cameron Got It Wrong - In which 2005!Frank and Fun Ghoul get it on. Then Frank accidentally winds up in 2019. 56k

(part two of Time Travel ‘verse)

Whatever I Want (Whatever That Is) - The first time Frank walked in on Gerard going down a girl in the dressing room, he was pissed. 9k

Distance in the Afterlife - Gerard comes out. 15k

The One Where Ray Can Hear Sex Dreams - I’m really sorry, Mr. Toro. But I didn’t make you have sex with anyone, as per your request. 2k

Heart On - From early days touring in vans to Projekt Revolution, the tour crew swears that they’re not homophobic, they just don’t want to see that shit. Frank takes it as a personal challenge. 13k

I died laughing like 17 times.

Just A Spoonful - It’s actually something of a relief when Frank walks onto the bus to find Gerard learning how to sabotage a car. It’s better than the last time, anyway, when he was trying to snort coke through a rolled-up condom wrapper. Or the time before, when he was passed out in a pile of glass shards. All things considered, wrecking random cars would be a step up for him. 1k

When I Think About You (I Touch Myself) - Van!era bodyswap. Gerard is a narcissist. 2k

You’re so cute when you’re slurring your speech - If this is what Frank wants, then fuck it. Just fucking fuck it. Frank can have it.(Or, Frank wants to bone Gerard. So he does. A lot.) 8k

Ride - This is the coolest place the band has ever stayed at. 15k

jerseymisery wrote this description: ​okay this is an ULTRA FAVE!! the whole fic has such a dreamlike sort of quality to it? it gives me such great vibes of like summer and transience and SHIT LIKE THAT.. it’s set during bullets i’m pretty sure which is. COOL. it just feels like a snapshot, a moment in time.. i really like it. go read it! it’s frank x gerard and mikey x an oc. 

ierohero's write-up: https://ierohero.tumblr.com/post/188897569757/im-reading-ride-again-theres-literally-no

Link to author (they also wrote some fics below)

Sick - It was sort of sick, since Frank was, like, younger than his little brother, but Gerard had wanted to kiss him from the very first second he saw him standing up on stage and smirking into the microphone.

“Who’s that?” he asked Mikey.“That’s Frank,” Mikey whispered back, like it was some big secret or something, hissing the words into Gerard’s ear. “That’s the guy I want you to meet.”

“Figures,” Gerard muttered. It just fuckin’ figured that the first guy he’d wanted to fuck in, like, a semester would be the one Mikey wanted for the band. 5k

Broke - Frank is sick. A companion piece to Sick. 5k

Fucked Up - It’s hard to describe the multitude of ways in which Frankie is fucked up, although Gerard keeps trying. He lies in his bunk at night listening to the other members of the band breathing, soft radiator hisses, the occasional snore, and tries to enumerate to himself what’s wrong with Frankie. He thinks that maybe if he can figure out what the problem is, he can fix it. He’s always been sort of an optimist. 1k

Reasons We Don’t - “Why don’t we fuck?” Frank asks, tipping his head back to blow smoke at the sky. 7k

subterfuge of tiny proportions - It usually takes Gerard hours to wind down from a show. He has this crazy wired look in his eyes when they come offstage, all sweaty and flushed and jittery. He touches people more, talks a little louder, a little faster. Even now, even after all this time, it still gets to him. The nervous energy, the screams of the crowd, the music. Frank watches him every night, because when he is like that, he’s beautiful. And because when the stage buzz wears off, he crashes, hard and fast. 1k

He Told Me I Could Never Go Back - Everything was fine until Frank disappeared. 2k

this broke my heart.

Up Against Your Will (HERE is the chapter index) - Stepping into a world so different from their own, Frank and Gerard struggle to survive. 18 chapters

this was amazing, but also hard to read in some parts, bc of the non con and gore :/ not my cup of tea, but I did love the word building and the fic overall.

When I Was a Little Girl - Frank is a dyke. Period. She doesn't like boys. At all. But if you squint (or you're drunk enough) sometimes Gerard totally looks like a girl. 26k

Silken - Gerard can't help but notice the way Frank bites his lip and shifts in his seat when an interviewer brings up his day in drag. Frank's almost normal when he nudges Gerard with his shoulder, raising his hands in the air and laughing, "Oh, yeah. Man, you should have seen him - like Christina Ricci, you know?" but Gerard can still see the imprint of his teeth on his lower lip and files that away while he relates the story about how the conductor was really nice to him and how he'd managed figure out how to sit without crushing anything vital by the end of the day. <1k

Pushy Little Fuck - "Anyone ever tell you, Iero, that you're a pushy little fuck?" Gerard says, rearranging Frank against his side. 

Frank just grins at him and says, "S'my middle name." Frank Pushy Little Fuck Iero. There's a song in there somewhere. 1k

The Kind They'd Like to Flaunt - When Frank first meets Gee, officially, it's because Ray saw Frank from across the room and put him into a headlock to get him over to his booth. 1k

How Dirty Boys Get Clean - Gerard stinks. Frank convinces him that bath time can be such fun. 1k i think?? maybe 2k

Under My Skin - "Maybe," Gerard had said one night, scratching idly at Frank's scalp, "it was something you ate?" "Maybe," Ray said, "it was some kind of sex pollen." Frank growled and said, "maybe if you don't shut up right now I'm going to kick your ass." 1k

Body of a Venus (lord, imagine my surprise) - Gerard is dressed like a girl and decides to pay Frank a visit. 1k

​Never Looked Better And You Can’t Stand It - For once, Frank is the self-conscious one. 1k

In the Dark - The problem wasn’t that Gerard was stupid; the problem was that he wasn’t always the most observant guy around. Sometimes he just misses things that maybe he should have noticed. He hadn’t thought anything of it the first time Frank had pushed his hands out from under his shirt and said, “I’d rather touch you.”

(Or the one where chubby!Frank is really self-conscious and avoids having sex with Gerard with the lights on.) 2k

Jane Doe - Frank meets a mystery girl at a party. When she turns out to be not such a mystery (and not such a girl), he’s forced to make some hard choices. Set in fall 2000. This isn’t an AU, but some details have been changed. 9 chapters

This fic, man… this fic… An amazing read (though unfinished). Really shows how unbalanced affection and care can be, and leaves you uncertain yet hopeful for their relationship. Here’s an excerpt:

”The heat’s on as high as it goes,“ Gerard said, glancing over with concern. Frank wondered if Gerard would have noticed his trembling if they hadn’t been making out feverishly just a few hours beforehand.

Edit 22/10/2019: I just found out there was a ninth chapter?? Holy shit okay lets go.

Moonlight Model - Frank's a photographer. Gerard's a model. Only not really. 1k

Pack - Frank's a very playful werewolf. 1k

I Wish I Were A Ghost - Halloween is Frank Iero's birthday. It's also the day when the veil between the world of the living and the dead is at it's thinnest.

A ghost-story. Short and sweet. 1k

Immutable - Frank and Gerard are sitting in bed, talking about frank's tattoos, and it's beautiful. 1k​

Curl - Gerard finds Frank tied to the seatbelt in the back of their tour van. Sexytimes ensue. 2k

no sleep - Gerard looked terrible, hollow-eyed and sweaty, and it was still only just after midnight. <1k

the second time the band saves gerard's life - ​soberty fic. 1k

Half the Battle - People tend to assume Gerard is an alpha. Frank knows better. 1k

Afresh - As much as Frank tells him there's never been a time he didn't love Gerard, Gerard knows Frank definitely doesn't miss the days when he could sometimes smell him from the other room. 1k

Just Because - By the time Gerard asked Frank to join the band, the only answer Frank had left for him was yes. 4k

Holding Out For An Iero - When Frank gets his chestpiece, he doesn't have sex for a week. 5k

An Inexplicable Occurrence of Angels - 35k

This was on my Fics-I-Can’t-Find-list, and since this one doesn’t have a description, I’ll just paste in what I could remember from reading it last year: ​

My Chem (minus Frank) broke up after Revenge. One day Frank kinda shows up (can't remember how). Frank's an angel with big wings and is hopelessly clueless about the world, so the rest or My Chem have to help him. They take him on walks and it looks like he has a hunchback bc of his wings. I think Frank doesn't even know any words in the beginning, but he learns english quickly. Loves watching movies. Everyone in My Chem basically crash at ray's place bc of Frank. And they're all Hey... maybe we should pick up the band again...? 

UPDATE: okay i just reread it and it’s sooooo good holy shit. especially the last chapter. there was a comment on AO3 about how they would come back and reread the last chapter over and over again because it made them so happy. that’s probably what i’m gonna do from now on.

A Necessary Requirement - description by jerseymisery ... i think: ​it’s like a warped tour fic i believe, god it’s so fucking funny, the dialogue is gr8.. basically the whole fic is frank wanting to know what gerard’s dick looks like okay dhgvjsdghg. 3k

Twenty Percent Down - We're rock stars," Frank says firmly. "We're not moving back to live in our parents' basements." 7k

House hunting!

"What's your credit rating like?" he pants out. "I - what?" Gerard stops mouthing Frank's skin and lifts his head up. ^ Never fails to crack me up.

One Hundred Percent - (Almost. Maybe.) - Frank sighed. "I'm playing tonight," he said, firmly. "It is a fucking sore throat. Luckily, I am not the lead singer. I can play my fucking guitar with a sore throat. I can play it with my eyes closed. I am fine." (11,400 words of, you know, Frank being sick. A LOT.) 11k

Raspberry Swirl - The time that the whole band woke up as girls was maybe the weirdest. 16k

Away With The Boys In The Band - Behind the Music: My Chemical Romance, in the world where Mikey has always been a girl. 69k

Ship(s): Mikey Way/Otter, Mikey Way/Gabe Saporta, Mikey Way/Pete Wentz, Mikey Way/Alicia Simmons

^ I could not put this down. The writing is so so so spectacular, and the dialog is both interesting and realistic. A lot of angst, but still hilarious at parts. Please read.

Update because I need to add some things: Listen! Words can not express how obsessed with this fic I am. I made a mixtape for it. Fanart. Currently working on a ebook version of it so I can print it out. Guys. You do not understand how fucking fantastic this fic is. Don’t scroll away from me, I’m serious! Fucking click the link dammit. Click it. C’mon. I’m waiting–click iiiiit. You back yet? Yeah? What did I tell you! I know, it is amazing! You okay? Got tissues? Good. Okay now go wash your face and eat a snack. No, no, no need to thank me, the pleasure was all mine.

Any Way You Want - ​Gee Way is fronting early MCR when Frank spots them in a shitty bar and immediately finds himself immersed in the energy of the music; not to mention the addictive personality of the lead singer. 18k

​Sucker Bet - Since Frank's currently got a sloppy handful of Gerard's hard-and-getting-harder cock, oops kinda seems like an understatement. But Frank's a practical kinda guy. 2k

A Helping Hand - Frank just wants to be able to jerk off. He doesn't think that's too much to ask. 6k

Frank the Failiest Vampire - Frank's a vampire, and he's finally ready to let the world know. 0.9

a not!fic

Three Sharp Bites - When Frank had imagined the joy of finally finding a helpless thrall who would tilt back his neck for him, displaying the jugular with a undertone of love and utter submission, he didn't really expect it to include the joy of being bent almost in two while his mate fucked the living shit out of him. 0.7k

part two of Frank the Failiest Vampire. This isn’t a not!fic though.

Fantasy Book - This was really, really not normal behavior for Gerard - not for real, normal Gerard, and it was even a little abrupt for the imaginary Gerard who lived in Frank's head and came out during his Special Alone Times with his dick. 16k

The Year of Living Safely - Post-sobriety MCR. This is as much about me and my own brother as it is about the Way boys, and Christ was it hard to write; it brought a lot of painful things to the surface. 12k

Incredibly painful but worth a read. Or ten. One-sided Frank/Gerard.

second word, one syllable - Prompt #60. Frank loses his voice and has to use notes, texts, charades, etc. to communicate. 4k

More Than He Can Say - Frank doesn't know what it is about tonight. 2k

I've Got Friends in Closed Spaces - Written for the no_tags challenge for the prompt of 'accidental frottage.' Set in the middle of a tour, vaguely 2004. 4k

it’s the hide-and-seek fic! i’ve been looking for this for an eternity.

​First Class - Gerard is totally disturbed, because he's sort of obsessed with making Frank drool. 1.6k

Party Games (Eureka!) - Gerard has awesome ideas. 2k

MCR: untitled no.1 - Gerard plays piano in the loosest sense of the word - plays, with fingers stuttering a little in the air above the white keys and even more over the black ones; body hunched over and shoulders tucked in as soft lines form between his eyebrows. Zero-point-something k. 

and here’s another piano drabble by the same author!

just like it was - Basically, I had this really urgent desire to write about Gerard's high school reunion. <1k

love on the webways - As a writer, Grant supposes he could have considerably worse habits than trolling his own message boards.

A totally ridiculous AU vaguely inspired by You've Got Mail. 32k Grant/Gerard

This was so fun to read! It’s a what-if-they-broke-up-after-tbp fic btw.

you weaseled your way into my heart (and ferreted out my feelings) - You gotta watch out for those bands with umlauts. 5k

Reverberation - Frank feels like he just fell off the stage, staggered directly from the lights and out into the long hallway backstage, tipping over into the momentary quiet. 1.5k

Not a Pretty Girl - 28k

Gen. Always-been-a-girl fic featuring kick ass female drummer, Bob Bryar. The story is a series of shorter fics all about her life before MCR, growing up as a woman in the Chicago scene, touring with The Used, joining MCR and everything that comes with that. It's awesome. + art!

I Am a Patient Boy - So this is an AU about Gerard being a girl named Helen (after her...grandmother?) and Frank being sort of, head over heels. 5k

“He goes to the next show alone. It’s in this basement club, red-lit and smoky. Frank stands on a chair at the back of the room. Over everyone’s head so he can get a good look.”

This fic follows Frank as he leaves Pencey Prep and joins My Chem in 2001. The author changed a lot of details though, so I recommend thinking of it as an AU in how the band formed. Unless you want to yell at your screen at 1am for it getting the timeline wrong (like I did).

Not Smashing Windows - In the beginning, they were the scene. An origin story. 32k

From Gabe’s POV, and it’s done flawlessly. It somehow emulates the same feeling one gets from stumbling across an overlooked short film at three a.m. on youtube. The one you can’t help but wonder about, how it is that you’ve never heard about it before. Like it is in its own bubble of existence. Feeling afraid to even breathe or look away, afraid that it’ll disappear at any time, that it was too good to be true. Something you shouldn’t be able to hold in your hands. This fic feels incredibly personal to read. Gabe’s longings of intimacy, the hopelessness at parts. I could feel my fondness for the characters grow enormously in this fic. The wording and conversations and scenes paint a brilliant picture that will stay with you for a long time. I know it will for me at least. Ship: Gabe Saporta/Mikey Way

For a Different View - AU. Ray Toro is a girl, Rae, but MCR is still just MCR. 49k

The first time they went over to Mikey's house, Mikey tossed her a beer and said, "My brother might come up. Maybe not, though. He gets weird in the middle of projects." She found out what he meant halfway through Dawn of the Dead, when a bundle of black fabric barreled from the basement door to the refrigerator and back down to the basement without saying a word to either of them.

I need to finish this!!! But –gah. Such awesome awesomeness. Ship: Ray/Mikey

Double Exposure - “The worst part was the confession. Well, the explanation sucked too.” Written for prompt 38. Frank/Mikey - Frank and Mikey bodyswap during tour and have to play shows as each other. 2.5k

Frank isn’t part italian in this fic. He’s part alien! :D Ship: Frank/Mikey

Anti-Sex (It Comes Around remix) - The first time Frank ever really talked to Mikey's brother it was at a house party somewhere in the shitty part of the Oranges. Before that, Gerard was just Mikey's weird older brother. In Frank's mind, their interactions were always relative to Mikey, spinning out from him, Mikey first, Gerard a trailing but connected afterthought. At that party, though, Mikey's brother was a little buzzed and cheerful with it, talking with a charisma and charm Frank hadn't seen before. 

Here’s a v 2018 relevant part: “Hey, you bring me my voter's registration, I swear I'll turn it in." "You're not even registered to vote?" Gerard said, and brought a hand up to run his pinky across his eyebrow like it was all just too much, and Frank laughed. 

Crooked Crown - There's always a voice in the back of Frank's head, tiny and barely registering after years of shrugging it off, but still present nonetheless. It says things like, this is a bad idea, and it's satisfying now, but there'll be consequences later. Or, this is the line and you're about to cross it. Someone had once said that Frank had no conscience, which wasn't true because hi, voice in his head. He totally did have a conscience - it was just that he wasn't much of a slave to it.

In any case, the voice dampens out even quicker than usual this time and he's then free to scribble 'BALLS' in Sharpie over each page of Gerard's brand new issue of Hellboy before stuffing it back underneath the seat to be discovered later on. 4k

“The next day they're in Austin, and it feels like an armpit. Mikey walks around with his fingers splayed out, trying to prevent any part of his body from touching another”

^ Ah Mikey, never stop being so relatable. Anyway, this was hilarious. I love how petty both of them were. Poor Ray with his head in his hands!

Rappelling Down Mount Vesuvius - 1k | Gen

I love reading little snippets of their lives like this. Just the right amount of fluff and backstory for something bittersweet and hopeful.

down to the water - Things were better than they were a month ago, hell, a week ago, but that wasn't saying much. A week ago, Gee was stumbling drunk on a stage in Japan and puking so much Frank had honestly been afraid she was going to die. So, while her over-caffeinated, white-faced sobriety of today was a welcome change, Frank still felt like they were all on the edge of disaster, that everything they'd worked so hard for could still collapse around them. 10k

New Rule - Pitch-black basement sex. 2k

Frank is jammed in between Gerard and the wall. He made Gerard check the entire basement for spiders before they turned off the crazy-bright fluorescent strip light, but he’s still wrapped himself up in the blankets like a burrito, jamming the edges under his body until he’s fucking airtight. “If you stretch you’ll pull the blankets out,” he says, muffled because his face is pressed under Gerard’s chin. “And then the spiders will get in, and then I’ll have to kill you.”

Oooh nooo, they have to share the bed. [cackles loudly]

Kiss The Bottle - A drunk wizard slips Frank a love potion while the band is in between tour dates. Chaos and mischief ensues. 35k

An impeccable casting of the wizard, I must say. lol

Don't Fear the Reaper - Gerard's not the greatest with faces but there's one that keeps crossing his path that he can't ignore. 4k

THE SCENE IS DEAD - 20k

Can’t remember who wrote this description (it’s on my to-do list) (was it disenchanted?) but THEY PUT IT INTO WORDS: “I don't know how to begin to describe this one... It's written in an unusual format - ie. a lot of it is told through newspaper articles and webpages but it's one of those super haunting fics that stays with you for days. I don't think there are any triggers listed so be warned there are character deaths and supernatural stuff.”

And I really don’t have more to add. I don’t even want to say anything more because honestly for this fic, the less you know the better. For me the experience of reading it was made a hundred times better just by the emotional rollercoasters I was put through. Lol. Trying to figure out what was going on/going to happen next was really fun.

Candy Cane Vodka - "Yeah, Mikey, you accidentally made fucking peppermint Everclear. Congratulations and all, but Jesus Christ."

Mikey gets an idea on the road after finding a bargain bin book on homemade infusions. Experimentation follows, and Yuletide chaos ensues.

ngl... i’m tempted to make that vodka mixture

Ships: Mikey/Ray, Frank/Gerard

[beardcore-blog]

the day the horses drink from the trough

PRESS PLAY

lizzo SOULMATE

**********

one of the great myths in the NEO american empire of the misled is "the forever man".

this myth is literally crammed down the throats of the tiniest children in much the same way that people shove cornmeal down the throats of ducks and geese and cows to make them taste sweeter while killing them softly, lol.

the princess syndrome is so out of control now that any sense of an actual republic is long gone. but "the forever man" myth hasn’t changed.

young children are still taught that they must become parents, and i think we all know that parenting is one of the most BASIC TOOLS that the usurers can use to create loan debt. parenting is a very thankless job as well, so you get debt slavery and sht hours and there’s that baby that you can’t get rid of… or maybe you like your kid. lucky kid!!! but even though you like that kid, you will NOT be there in every moment and they will be neglected and abandoned to fate. so pray that your little one becomes a real princess or a true knight.

i’m not sure what the male dynamic is because little boys are so weaponized to create hostility that they always go for the swords and the guns to wreak havoc. nice work, parents!!!! way to create fake gender separation. pat yourself on the back for that one.

but we all got stuck with the breakage and wreckage of the "love that never dies" obligation to seek and find. i was oppressed by it as a child. it actually seemed like the coolest thing about the western dogma from religion — faith and love and unionizing.

of course, my strange and "briefly but permanently" mangled childhood proves how easy it is to destroy a child in really a mere matter of seconds. way to go, mom!!!

so naturally i have been weirdly taken with aldous huxley’s beautiful utopian dream that does not actually take place in his bitter and sad criticism of "the jews" (not to be confused with the jewish people in the same way that radical islamists are not a reflection of true path of the muslim journey — i note this because anti-semitism at that time in europe post wwi was at an all time high with printing criticism and outrage. anti-semitism was like a genre in a modern day bookstore it was so popular and had so many writings. picture that cowboy western section and the science fiction section and then the anti-semetic section.), fascist/idealistic germans and the north american noble savage.

all of that was a bitter pill for me. i literally was physically ill through sections of the book. it was a visceral experience that went beyond reading. it was an education.

but on the sidelines of the book was this curtain that had been pulled back on monumental ideas. it was like we were on the willy wonka factory tour and we’re in that massive cathedral of candy with an eternally churning chocolate fountain that sucks up agustus gloop and swooshes him away. and right at the moment every single person on the tour starts to formulate the actual "dangers" involved in this strange sugary fantasyscape.

but i was ready for the camera to ditch the sugarland phenomenon. i wanted to see where augustus gloop had gone and just how deep did this playland of machinery and artificial replication go. i was ready for a different kind of tour of the factory. talk about a psychotic dystopia…

plus, in huxley’s world, the glimpses that we get are very grown up and cool. they are not the childlike entrapping of a story for kids. it’s older, it’s stabilized. people of all people get along as one through class separatism. and a history of fulfillment through separation. we are told that each caste is trained to be content with their occupation in life and some are even dumbed down with alcohol in the birthing jars.

and this was an inceptive vision of the dawning corporate heirarchy/caste system of order/need. we are starting to experience its arrival. but in the novel, these were birth classes. everyone was born into their position.

further, these "corporatized classes" were arranged with the "controllers" and/or philosopher kings at the top and the class system below it with the alphas at the top of the class system. the alphas were all male and they were NOT clones. the betas are the female member of the caste which the alphas belong to in the novel and are NOT clones. but all the other caste systems were bred and manufactured to maintain different aspects of the system’s needs. they were all clones.

throughout the novel huxley continuously promotes the virtues of the THREE FOUNDATIONS for a great society:

identity, community, stability

and huxley presented ideas that blatantly/openly stated how evil it was to separate kids from self discovery and liberty and that by not allowing them to explore each others bodies and touch one another we were creating a repressed/suppressed curiosity that would grow like a monster inside the child — a childish expression that is encouraged through taboo.

and that’s pretty bold philosophy.

further, and logically, he presented a society that wasn’t afraid of children never having parents but rather, cherished the idea of each one growing up protected and looked over by people who loved their job of caring for little ones and they didn’t abuse them or prohibit the kids from discovery themselves.

and each one was genetically crafted and modified to fit perfectly into their role within the greater whole. this was the utopia. the novel, however, skitters all over the place like a drunken car crash. the passengers are not reflective of the society. instead they are are a TRINITY list of the "unusual suspects", the "anti-society types" through no real fault of their own, the anomalies, those who didn’t fit in — as explored through the sexual relationships of one woman. she bangs all of them.

which is weird because you never hear anyone talk about that. so my version™ would put her into the HERO BOX™ of the what used to be called a PROTAGONIST — see how lost we are?!??! a hero and a protagonist are not the same thing. and a soldier and a hero are not the same thing. unless you literally change the meaning of the word. a hero is someone who accomplishes a series of strange feats/tasks or labors. a soldier is someone who is willing to kill in exchange for commodities/livelihood.

take it up with the dictionary. i’m not making this up.

PRESS PLAY FOR MORE GOOD FUN from GALANTIS

anyway, the "star" of this series™ is not a hero because there is no such thing as heroes in BRAVE NEW WORLD. the mantra of IDENTITY, COMMUNITY, STABILITY is so deep that the society requires no heroes, no vigilantes, no protectorates, no nuclear arms.

and it would be the same story but it would be seen through her world and the experiences she was having simultaneously during the novel. like the film about jesus’ younger brother Agape who was away at college when jesus was a killed™ and the netflix film series™ would dive away from the very tiny blip of interest huxley’s novel provides.

not that it isn’t a great novel, it’s just that huxley was an intellectual surgeon and his storytelling feels very sterile, but the magnificent visions of the future that he is able to relay through description and attention to detail is brilliant even if it’s not the best writing.

and it is this world that is the skeleton of his novel. and the skeleton needs to be studied.

he’s given us the foundations and he’s created his own maps and he’s acutely aware of the beauty of the new mexican landscape and topography.

so instantly we know he’s got a crush on the noble savage whereas, personally, i’m more interested in hanging out with a beta and seeing what her best expectations are like in this fantastical land™. and the story was kind of about a beta in a very backward kind of way. and it was also about two types of failed alphas and then a hippie jesus guy from the "reservations".

but the novel does some time skipping and the tour doesn’t really take us much further than that disturbing garden that the the tour creeps up on.

aldous kind of magically skips from age four to the adults, so that’s a bit too fast on the timeline for me — where’s the COMMUNITY?!?!?! he picks up on this concept later in his book ISLAND — but i still kind of agree with him that really little kids should be allowed to discover each other physically and without the judgement parents impose and overimpose so fast. we are mistaken in sexualizing this curiosity. we make it rapey. we use our adult minds to be like "OH!!! RAPE, my baby’s a rapist", or "oh no, that little baby boy played with another little boy".

aldous suggested that this form of exploration was essential to humans understanding and experiencing themselves EARLY ON without the sexual element being present or worse, present and mature. further, that this exploration would lead toward a differnt developmental attitude which would in turn allow a society to bypass future rape and sexual misconduct breaches.

but his ideas were too radical for people in his time. they still are. considering what a powerful novel it is, when it was written and the brilliant ideas that are tossed around like a juggler who is bouncing balls and torches and chain saws of the walls of a racquetball court while teaching you squash at the same time, it doesn’t get much play.

he was, after all, such a BRIT who had been notoriously kicked out of his social life circle in england for writing hilarious tell-all novels about the people closest to him. so they’d given him the outcast card and he’d fled (as fast as a mostly blind man with a lesbian wife can flee) to new mexico in the post wwi era, near the future site of the u.s. secret city/laboratory, los alamos. and from there, hollywood by 1932, i think.

what a great story he lived as well, not just tripping out on acid as he died, but also his first wife hunting beautiful women for the two of them to share, and the screenplays, the vast library of single print editions by other famous poets and playwrights and novelists sent to him for his approval. and then his second wife, the beautiful violinist who escape that terrible canyon fire that obliterated all those never-to-be-written-again books, all those manuscripts, all those precious writings that vanished beneath the terrible heat. and she, taking only her Stradivarius, walking out knowing everything would burn. letting go. giving it up to the fire.

forever people.

we wish.

but there is no forever man. there is no living jesus. all things die.

and true love is more like paying attnention. like that nun says in "lady bird". true love isn’t sexual. true love may not even know itself. true love might just be paying attention and feeling joy? the joy of paying attention.

and i know how much we all long to feel joy when paying attention. and in an age of POST-DISTRACTION awakenings, isn’t it time you told your daughters that marriage is an OPTION. that having kids is an OPTION. that giving up your life to fulfill some fake darwinian NONSENSE is an OPTION.

but so is living your own life and having no one else that you’ve created. and so is fighting for new models of PROCREATION that don’t involve failing parents, parents that never wanted kids and people who can’t afford kids.

parents are most often the worst thing about kids. so don’t be afraid to tell your kids that you failed and how. maybe they even remember it and have blamed themselves.

and if all you can give your son is a gun or a truck or a logic game, you’re definitely part of the problem. it’s vastly unfair to use gender foolishness to masculinize a child. it distorts the idea of masculinity like a mental disorder in the same manner that physical sexual abuse destroys young children. they are both attacks against the child’s being.

we do our best to protect kids against the predators of the body, but we do very little protect our children from the predators of the mind and the consumer usurers who are taking the kids earlier and earlier.

who knows, maybe one day the movie of the book will be made. we live in a perfect time for it to just skip straight away from the book and into the BRAVE NEW WORLD right after the visitors on the tour see where the little kids are intermingling without any kind of ADULT IMPOSED intrusions.

the great thing about the BRAVE NEW WORLD was that the rapey issue had been addressed and fully considered. the society was developed around the understandings of sexual co-mingling without parentalizing adults.

since most of humanity ALLEGEDLY has a very low intellectual focus & MOST people don’t actively seek to better and improve their intelligence — this is not my fact, it’s how "they" talk about the 99%ers — it is easy to distract the general populace with "material gain" greed games and after life myths and unfulfillable promises like the forever man.

even now, fully ready to fall asleep again after being "awake" for so fking long, even now i still want the person i thought of to be my forever man.

i want him so bad. but he was never that man in real life. he was never the fake version of him that was presented. and that’s what kills me the most. i supported the lies without knowing it. i felt misled and bushwacked. not victimized, just super aware that i had participated in the set-up and had no grounds for complaint. i spent my liberty and freedom of time and it was gone. and he felt stronger and freer (which is good and i’m glad of that).

but in the process we burned through each other and the lies and the falsehoods and the deceptions and the weaknesses all became exposed and destroyed in the fire. he was never the forever man in the first place. and that’s the rub. the forever man isn’t a person. there is no forever man.

in that moment the forever man became a concept for me, a trap that so many others fall into as well. and then we fall out of it. a lot of people return to it, but that’s usually because they can’t see the permanent break.

so now, suddenly, there was this permanent break and it was known to both of us.

granted, at first i found this confusing. naively, i had always assumed the permanent break was already there. didn’t everyone know this intuitively? i hadn’t realize that this wasn’t a universal understanding. but, i only say this because i learned it from people who are born alone. they say it over and over again.

i was born a twin and i don’t think that the "born alone" perspective is "all there is" as much as it is "all that most people have access to, therefore"…

but i learned about the "permanent break" from people born alone. twins are generally super optimistic. and i’m guessing on this because i can imagine a family that takes joy in their twins and understands that they might be a little different. my parents made a permanent break with me. an unrecoverable intentional break.

and then, through a long process of hop-scotch education through the west coast public and private christian schools in north and south california, voila! aware of humans and how they formulate their kindnesses and their goodnesses.

so when i heard about the permanent break thing AT THIS STAGE IN THE GAME, i was a bit taken about. it was one of those horrible realizations where your mind goes all bird’s eye view and geomapping and speeds through all manner of timelines and conjugations and starts the "murder board" with the new thread.

you can visually see the wasted time as chunks of LIFE. tetris LIFE chunks filled with remembrances just "disappearing" the value of memories instantly. a radical cross-platform devaluation of emotional assets. worse than zero. worse than no memories at all.

and that’s when you realize that a rug has been pulled out from under you and your grand designs. it’s the dreadfulness of false manifestations, the celebrants of what you thought was genuine were really bound up in a bottomless sadness and a burning flame with their own downward spiral dance.

it’s that startling and irreversible moment when you realize that your eyes and your heart and the assurances of another had been used quite shamelessly to proliferate a bizarre and untrue fantasy.

and worse, it was TRULY the revelation that i had wanted but not with a ghost!!! not with a dancing apparition! not the hollow man!!! oh fk, not the hollow man!!

and so now i’m doomed to still want the forever man that i had created with my expectations and then with my desires and then was slowly filleted by…

or maybe it was more like the sides of my neck were slashed open to make gills. because i do feel lucky. the charade could have taken longer and bigger chunks of my life. and i had a great time in the delusion and i liked working for a relationship.

sometimes the process of aging is a vinting metaphor and sometimes it’s a venting metaphor. sometimes it’s all about the air and the breath.

either way, it wasn’t my first relationship and it gave me an opportunity to see whether or not relationshipping was even in accordance with my nature and liberty. could i be happy without unionizing?

and the answer is yes. or, at least, it’s a great position to be in.

there is a freedom to participate in life that comes from being a part of it without being forced to protect offspring and develop those kinds of natural enmities against your "greatest predator", men. that’s a lovely start to things. almost as fun as the fake "virigin" girl claiming it’s god’s baby. or worse, everyone forgetting that "god’s baby" meant bastard offspring.

PRESS PLAY for some louder harder better from galantis

whatever, it doesn’t matter, i feel lucky to have had a forever man and to be able to write a more complicated story of "royal romance" than the childish ones we tell other people’s children and even our own children.

the corporatized children’s engineering factories are already in their late pre-testing phases.

BUT, a bit of forewarning to those who would be wise when it matters, i was punished for my childish expectations. i lost everything i gave. and i lost the time it took to give it. there was no reward. no dividends. no happy ever after. it was just business in the end.

and the whole time i had believed my eyes and my ears and listened and had tried to hold up the "we". but it was hard. there was permanent breakage from the start, not the end. he was full of grief and loss. he was too needy. but i thought he was consciously aware of all these things.

so when we were dating, i thought he knew about the permanent break. he was so far away from everybody. he was deep in the valley of the permanent break trying to find his way to sea-level. like a crushed flashcard on the side of the road in death valley.

in that there was the permanent break. we were choosing to try to have a relationship despite the permanent break that existed between people. he had come to me and plied me with the tale of his sister’s suicide. he pulled me into his sorrow spiral because i had told him several months before she killed herself that he should come out to her. she was a lesbian and felt entirely alone in the world and i begged him to reach out to her and share with her that he was gay.

but he didn’t. he had this way of never doing anything i suggested and then blaming me later about "advice" that he would get when he had come back to ask for "advice" after not doing what i had suggested after being asked. it was all a bit dislocating for me

and i give him credit for being clear and levelheaded about it in the end, but he couldn’t undo the damage that i was doing to myself for being such a fking fool.

no version of "sorry, i used you" or "let’s be friends" would ever replace the amount of time he took from my life while the veneer of his "forever man" status diminished in front of me until finally it occurred to me to ask him on the phone one day, long after we’d broken up if his current boyfriend was okay with these calls. i asked because it had also dawned on me that he’d specifically asked me to give him a call and do check-ins every couple of weeks, "are you allowed to talk to me? is your man okay with that?"

and he admitted that they had agreed that he wouldn’t call me. at which point i was like, "oh, i see, so this is like cheating. great, gotta go, man. i just wish you’d be honest. and free. you know that’s what i always wanted for you. i told you that over and over."

and we’ve never connected since. such a drag. and this is the danger of relationships.

you can lose years of your life, but even more important, you can lose WINDOWS of your life.

the years are just time, but the windows are specific ages where wonderful and amazing things can happen that cannot happen during other windows of your life.

besides, relationships TAX you. they TRULY add surcharges and time-penalties to your existence. there will no end of speed bumps and dependency is anti-liberty at its core, so the struggle to be free cannot be achieved unless all parties of the relationship are unionized. and that’s business contracting, which is an artifice. grammatically speaking, relationships are duty bound and come with obligatory submissions of personal liberty.

who’d sign up for that?

as if that isn’t enough, relationships will steal your experiences and replace them SHARED memories. and on the surface this sounds great. but that depends on the how the shared memories end up affecting the relationship.

shared memories are indeed precious and the best ones are the ones that you cherish. but after a separation, the best memories are the ones that work as triggers for your sorrow or anger or grief or devastation. the best memories become the worst.

i knew a woman in grad school who had come out as a lesbian. her name was ceebs. and she was a quirky writer with an irish background and we we’re both from san diego where her dad had been police chief or something along those lines. and she’d grown up repressing a lot of stuff. i’d done the same thing until i decided that living a lie was so ordinary and that NO ONE in the whole history of western writing had ever said, "just be a liar. lie to everybody. tell them what they want to hear. then lie about that later."

she used to often say that the thing you really liked about a person and were drawn to about them would become the thing you ended up resenting them for and perhaps even disliking about them.

so it sucks if you hear a bunch of lies up front and then they unravel around you to become the thing you end up resenting. that’s a tough one. and the irony is that lying never ends. it just keeps reinventing itself.

on the other hand, in total fairness, ALL western literature has been littered with the ruins of people’s lies and the horrible effect that lying had on so many people’s lives. and not inadvertently, heaven becomes this place where the lies are all put back together in front of you.

contemporary christianity became so zealous it started to formulate this notion (an entirely post-television & televangelistic fantasy) about how you’d stand in judgement and your entire life would be played back to you. and you thought andy warhol’s film "SLEEP" was long and boring:

"John Giorno has said Warhol asked him to star in Sleep over Memorial Day Weekend in 1963, when the two retreated to the countryside and Warhol spent the night watching Giorno sleep. “I looked over and there was Andy in the bed next to me, his head propped up on his arm, wide-eyed from speed, looking at me,” Giorno later relayed. "

born a twin, i think my big one wish would be that i DO get to this illusory JUDGEMENT ZONE where god and his posse replay my life to see if i was good enough to get in the the party called heaven.

but, typical me, i could give a sht about the party called heaven. i want access to my unknown life. i want to watch my birth and everything after like a fking drone camera that i can move around and zoom in or rewind. i want to see what happened to me when i was left unattended. i want to see the things i already have been told happened and then re-lied to about it.

i have the cobwebs of all these weird myths that humans create in order to justify PARENTHOOD.

we don’t need parents. science and the bible have proven that parents are unnecessary and obsolete.

unfortunately pedophiles and religious structures/foundations/corporations and "neo colonist governments" will want to self-protect against this accord.

they want you debt-enslaved with college loans, home loans, bundled family plan phones and car loans.

but that won’t pay for the loans after the entire shipping and distributing INTERCONTINENTAL economy lays off all the drivers and starts running AUTOKAR in a color-coded lane that only AUTOKAR (pilotless vehicle) can use.

that’s a lot of truckers nationwide all hopped on speed and suddenly without jobs?? is this part of the MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN strategy? shall we name that condition/state right now?

maybe we could call it THE AUTOKAR METH SHADOW.

so keep your eyes open. maybe it will never, ever, ever, ever happen.

or, give that "new utopia glimpse" a try. read huxley’s book BRAVE NEW WORLD. it’s a deeply fascinating look into miranda’s query: "O, wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world, That has such people in’t! (5.1.215-218) — the tempest

happy birthday. i hope you’re free and happy.

Posted by torbakhopper on 2007-04-03 17:03:24

Tagged: , like horses waiting for the gates to open , tulip , macro , flower , torbakhopper , scott , richard , photographer

The post the day the horses drink from the trough appeared first on Good Info.

[jamikellywriter]

12 Hours in Havana (and a few more in Santiago de Cuba)

For anyone thinking about traveling to Cuba “before it changes”, I wouldn’t worry too much about that. For one thing, it’s not changing so fast, thanks to one of the many reversals of Obama’s policies enacted by our current president. In 2014, Obama loosened the travel restrictions that had been in place under the 50-year U.S. embargo of Cuban goods, making it easier for Americans to hop the 90 miles from our southeastern coastline to stroll the cobblestoned streets of Old Havana in an effort to recapture the gilded elegance of a bygone age. Now, you can visit, but you need a visa from the Cuban government and a legitimate “reason” (i.e., educational or cultural) in order to enter the country, but only with an organized group.

Doors open. Doors close. The future of visiting Cuba remains uncertain, depending on who is in power – here as well as there. As for the promise of seeing this idyllic land with pristine beaches, preserved in time and untouched by commercialism “before it changes”…well, that wasn’t exactly what I saw in my travels to Havana, Cienfuegos and Santiago de Cuba during Thanksgiving week  -- an apropos time to visit, as Cuba reminds us how much we have to be thankful for.

One of Cuba’s less thankful? 

Neoclassical architecture in Cienfuegos, the “Pearl of the South”

Street in Havana (not New Orleans)

View from rooftop bar overlooking panoramic Santiago de Cuba (yes, I found the rooftop bar)

“What about the cruise ships? What happens then?”

In season 6, episode 1 of “Parts Unknown”, the visionary foodie, explorer and observer of life, Anthony Bourdain questioned the locals of Cuba about “cruise ships…what happens then? When the door opens and you have hundreds of thousands of Americans flooding the country looking desperately to spend money on all things Cuban?”

That was back in 2015 and an excited, almost child-like “Tony” prodded several Cubanos on their reactions to the throngs of rich American tourists who would be arriving, literally by the boatloads, “in just a few years.” The locals were nonplussed - the idea of foreign currency flowing into their economy was well, foreign, to them. One of them commented, “It’s not our goal in life, it doesn’t matter to us.” This sentiment was echoed by my rock star tour guide, Johannes, who told me, “Money isn’t everything. We have love and family and we are happy.”

Cubans are happy with what little they have.

As it turns out, Havana, on the northwestern coast of the island, only has room for two cruise ships to dock. So that left our elegant cruise ship, the Viking Star, anchored – not docked – nearly 150 miles away somewhere in the middle of the Caribbean Sea, about 1.4 miles from the city of Cienfuegos, aka Cuba’s “Pearl of the South”. We were shuttled to Havana via comfy coach on a three and one-half hour bus ride over rocky, unpaved roads where the only signs of “commercialism” were the billboards of Fidel Castro and his sidekick Che Guevara (the Argentinian-born freedom fighter who helped him overthrow Batista during the Cuban Revolution in 1959) essentially reminding those they lifted out of poverty of their presence, siempre.

The words “Go well Fidel” and “Until the victories always” honor Fidel Castro and Che Guevara on apartment buildings in central Havana.

 Souvenir books and postcards in Cuba honor its revolutionaries.

Amazin’ Amazon

While we Americans debate the wisdom of Amazon’s billion dollar decision to set up shop on our New York riverfront, it might be worthwhile to pause and consider this: Twenty-five years ago, Jeff Bezos was an entrepreneur with an idea. That he is facing backlash for the way he handled his search for a new company headquarters – and the money he took which no doubt influenced his ultimate choice of Long Island City, Queens – can only happen in this country. And we all ought to be damn grateful for that. In Cuba, entrepreneurship means being one of the lucky ones who can sell your wares via a kiosk at popular tourist destinations.

 A father teaches his young son the tricks of the trade as he organizes his kiosk – one of the lucky ones who gets to be an “entrepreneur”, selling crafts at the Morro lighthouse in Santiago de Cuba.

 Making a living in Cuba…

The buildings need far more than paint...

 And of course there are always jobs making cigars…

 …and Cuba Libres!

But there are some signs of progress on the Cuban commerce front.

Companies are allowed to promote themselves via Facebook, but citizens are prohibited from using it. Nor do they have internet access in their homes.

So what’s the deal with those old cars anyway?

Since there’s been a ban on U.S. imports to Cuba since 1962, their infrastructure is somewhat frozen in time – and so are their cars. Not every car in Old Havana is a ’57 Chevy, but you are guaranteed to see an array of shiny, spotless and colorful vehicles from that era – and they still run (though with a potpourri of parts from other vehicles – as well as DIY repairs using everything from toothpaste to asbestos - yes, asbestos - as their ingredients). As my mom observed, these things are held together by “spit and wire.”

Local color

The Cuban government wants you to see their Cuba. And the people who live there understand their “situation” as their government would have them understand it. (Those who had money and property at the time of the revolution were forced to give it up to the government, and most of them fled the country.) But we did find some time with locals, apart from the guided experience, and they are more than willing to share their perspectives. Just don’t try to take a picture of them.

An impromptu conversation with locals leads to this plea for “no pictures” citing “la policia” as a reason.

Taking time out for un cigarro

Traveling to Cuba under the current restrictions was just fine with me. I’m a lukewarm intrepid traveler. When it comes to visiting a place like Cuba – where a mysterious gas befell tourists and diplomats staying at two Havana hotels in 2017 – I prefer to be under a structured, government-sanctioned trip favoring the balance of safety and diplomacy versus a ­­­­­­truly local, cultural experience on my own terms. That may make this blog less interesting, but at least I’m still here to write it, with the freedom my country gives me to write.

Maybe this is precisely the time to see Cuba. Or maybe sanctions will be rolled back further opening those doors even wider to allow in a steady trickle – rather than flood – of independent tourists. Or maybe free enterprise will become an even more distant notion. We may have a better idea of which way it will go when the country votes on a new constitution in 2019.

This Part Unknown, known

The vision of Cuba the ever-ebullient Bourdain touted three years ago – you can tell he just loved being there, with a zest for life that made his untimely demise so stunning – is still a far cry from reality. The open borders never fully materialized, thanks to our current president. But maybe this will give some other more intrepid travelers a chance to get a glimpse of Cuba as it is and likely will be for quite some time. Before it changes.

In “Parts Unknown”, one of Bourdain’s amigos commented, “Our culture is so strong that it’s going to take a lot of cruise ships to dissolve us. We are always like this, with or without tourists.” From my limited interaction with the people of Cuba, I’d agree.

Here’s my nod to Bourdain’s query into life in Cuba “after the cruise ships”, from my vantage point as one of those American cruisers.

Cienfuegos: 

That’s our ship, the beautiful Viking Star, anchored about 1.4 miles from Cienfuegos.

Old and Central Havana:

Not an abandoned building – this is how many people still live in Havana.

 The streets and sights of Santiago de Cuba:

Castle of San Pedro de La Roca

Morro lighthouse

Did I mention we were on a cruise?

 Still thinking of visiting Cuba? You should. Just bring comfortable walking shoes, toilet paper and hand sanitizer. The people want you to visit. And perhaps more importantly, they need you to.

 To my favorite travel partner – thanks for an unforgettable experience - I love you, mom! Where are we going next?

View more tales from the road travel-logs from Jamikellywriter. 

[shelfcompletionist-blog]

#005: Let Us Now Praise Famous Men - James Agee and Walker Evans

James Agee and Walker Evans’s Let Us Now Praise Famous Men is not the book that I expected. Before I get into what I understand it to be, I should first describe what I understood it to be.

I thought it would be John Steinbeck.

I thought it would be a clearly-written narrative-heavy nonfiction novel charting the plight of the poorest (white) Americans in the late first half of the 20th century. I expected The Grapes of Wrath with pictures, basically. Nothing too experimental or modernist, but a socially-conscious slab of realism meant to illustrate the struggles of poor folks for the literature-minded.

Blame Walker Evans, I suppose.

In those middle school classes on 20th century American history, the syllabi package Evans and Steinbeck together, quite literally. Mr. Erickson would hand us a small packet that included an excerpt of Grapes (I don’t remember which scene exactly, but rest assured it was not the final one) and have one of us read it aloud. The rest of us would flip through the packet, looking at the bulletpointed history of the dust bowl, where we would come upon one of Evans’s signature hardscrabble faces, maintaining the ambiguous labial pose of an unscrubbed Mona Lisa. Then we would watch John Ford’s useful adaptation of the novel, matching the creased and genuinely dirty faces of the photographs to their cleaner, marquee-ready film counterparts. (I call the film useful from the teacher’s perspective, in that it eats up the good part of three 50 minute class periods.

So when I first began hearing mention of James Agee and Let Us Now Praise Famous Men, the mental chain of relations began rattling in my mind. Oh, he worked with Walker Evans. He wrote about the people in Evans’s pictures. And then my brain and I jumped to baseless conjecture: this is the guy who isn’t quite as good as Steinbeck, he isn’t worthy of taking part in our (middle school history class) syllabus. And that’s where Agee sat for about a decade of my life: the scribe of B-grade Grapes of Wrath knockoffs.

But then, at the neighborhood Goodwill, I cracked open a finely weathered copy of the late 80s Vintage edition of Let Us Now Praise Famous Men (the late 80s aesthetic is a terrible match for Famous Men, and this edition’s cover’s bizarre mismatch of the pop-pastel graphic design that gave birth to early 2010s vaporwave net art and the color and visual texture of dirt proves this) and everything I thought I knew about Agee and his book fell away instantaneously.

You could ostensibly read Let Us Now Praise Famous Men sans context and not even fully grasp which era and which group of people the book refers to. It isn’t so much a work about the rural poor of midcentury America as it is about the gap between the subject of the work (Agee’s New York literate member of the creative class) and the object (the aforementioned rural poor). Agee obsesses over how that gap can be bridged, how verisimilitude can be reached, and how to do all this ethically. As a result, Agee has created a tremendous book-as-object, stuffed with ancillary material and labyrinthine constructions. It’s a postmodernist tour de force, a book stuffed to the brim with all that life contains. It’s a Ulysses for America.

On the other hand, it’s a literal-minded, deliberate, and programmatic examination of how a certain class lives, taking the reader spatially in a step by step tour through their house, picking up every object along the way to describe it, and surrounding environs, as well as temporally, through their daily and yearly schedules, missing nary a minute action. It’s like those Icelandic “slow TV” programs that depict someone knitting for eight hours.

As a result, Let Us Now Praise Famous Men is a maddening and brilliant work. And maybe also a failure.

I had an incredibly hard time reading Agee’s prose. It takes patience and literary intelligence. I try to imagine him (or his secretary), upon publication, packaging up a few copies of the book and sending them to his subjects, the Ricketts and the Woodses and the Gudgers, and then having them arrive there. What do they make of this 500-page treatise on them and their lives? Do they even read it? It isn’t for them, not in the least. It may not even be for Agee and Evans’s friends back in New York (actually it most definitely isn’t, considering the reception it got on release) but it definitely isn’t for them. That gap of subjectivity between Agee and those southern families could never be crossed by this. Instead, Agee has traversed that gap by himself, and brought back what he could from them, taken rather than traded.

Which isn’t to say this isn’t a great work anyways. Who is to say that what Agee did by putting those families into posterity wasn’t an equally noble goal?

Read in the Interim

(I apologize for the two or three sections of time in which I blacked out and didn’t write blurbs about the books that I read, but let it be known that I read them)

The Consequences of My Body, by Maged Zaher - A smart and humorous long poem about how one person can leave their interior-body to make connections (mental, romantic, physical, etc) with another. Can occasionally be a bit crude/dude-ly for a poetic work, but spun the right way it could be said to be ‘honest.’

Night, by Etel Adnan - I didn’t connect with this slim duo of poems, but I’m willing to accept it’s my fault. Adnan seems erudite and I’d be willing to check out more of her work.

Pillow Book, by Suzanne Buffam - Canarium Books is killing it this year. This is the second book by them that I’ve fallen absolutely in love with, after Darcie Dennigan’s Palace of Subatomic Bliss. This book, like Dennigan’s work, is a prose-poem hybrid of fragments, this time focusing on insomnia and thoughts confronting the ability to sleep, kind of an opposite dream book. Female-centric books of intellectually top-notch fragments for life.

Negrophobia, by Darius James - Whew, it’s hard to talk about this brilliant, disturbing book. If you thought The Sellout wasn’t edgy enough, read this. The basic set-up is that Bubbles, an entitled white teenage girl, insults her black maid, who then casts a voodoo spell over her. What follows is a phantasmagoria of racial nightmares meant to fucking petrify Bubbles (and maybe show her the errors of her racist ways, or just terrify her into submission). Negrophobia is written as a screenplay, and the idea of anyone having the chutzpah to stage this, full of rape, lynching, and all sorts of other gruesome stuff as it is, is pretty hilarious in and of itself.

For Frank O’Hara’s Birthday, Alice Ordered Me to Be Made, and Songs for the Unborn Second Baby, three works by Alice Notley - Continuing on my read-through of Notley’s bibliography. I feel like these three don’t hold a lot of surprises, but do begin to show Notley leaning into the longer-form experimental style of her later work. I was actually kind of disappointed by Alice Ordered Me to Be Made, which is the first chronological work of hers that I’ve read that isn’t a mimeographed collection put out by a small (basically micro) publisher, but an actual bound book. Near the end of that collection, though, there were a couple lines that absolutely blew me over, and won me over.

What the Lyric Is, by Sara Nicholson - These are some truly great poems

Shelter in Place, by Alexander Maksik - A phenomenal novel, one of my favorite of 2016. There’s nothing that showy going on here, but Maksik shows an astute understanding of grief and failures of understanding in depicting this family dealing with traumatic events in the PNW.

Suite for Barbara Loden, by Nathalie Leger - An interesting hybrid work examining the actress/director Barbara Loden and her only directorial work, Wanda. I still need to check out the movie to get the full picture of this work, though.

Blackacre: Poems, by Monica Youn - I thought Youn used the central concept here very well, much better than in her breakout collection of poetry.

Saga, Vol. 4, by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples - When I read Saga Vol. 3, I hoped that Saga wasn’t turning into a ‘Walking Dead’ scenario, where the troupe of main characters move from one situation to another, familiarizing themselves, getting into trouble, and then moving on to the next place. While on the surface, this volume of Saga seems to fall into this trap, the details make this a compelling portrait of domesticity under siege, a successful balance of hectic plotting and abatement. The art continues to pop. Vaughan also succeeds at maintaining a manageable division of subplots, so there aren’t too many things going on at once.

Emergency Brake, by Ruth Madievsky -

Corinna A-Maying the Apocalypse, by Darcie Dennigan - I loved Dennigan’s new book so much I went back to read her first collection as soon as I could. This one starts out just as strong; the first section absolutely knocks me out, including “Eleven Thousand and One,” the best poem in the collection without a doubt, in spite of (or perhaps because of) its elitist overtones. The second section consists of one longer poem, “The Feeling of the World As a Bounded Whale Is the Mystical” which I was not feeling as much. The collection struggled to reach the heights of the first section after that, but it turned in some quality work throughout. I probably wouldn’t start here, but it’s enough to satisfy my Dennigan itch.

Madame X, by Darcie Dennigan - Dennigan’s second collection, from 2012. I can see how Dennigan’s mastery over tone (specifically the tone of snark) develops here, especially in poems like “The Matriarchy,” that will come into full bloom in Palace of Subatomic Bliss. I think the poetic form that Dennigan uses for most of this collection (I’m not quite sure what to call it.. Celinesque?) is a bit of a misstep. It seldom reads especially well to me, but that may just be personal preference. This collection, like her other two, still has wit and mood for days. Read it.

Swing Time, by Zadie Smith - I don’t have much to say about this other than it is a satisfying master class on mainstream literary narrative construction. Smith has made a worthy novel in which the characters are just inscrutable enough to be perpetually interesting.

Power Ballads, by Garrett Caples - Kind of like a B-grade Michael Robbins. For a book of poems titled Power Ballads, I expected a bit more flourish and fireworks. Too many of these poems just come off a little too easily. That said, this collection is far from a lost cause, and poems like “Gut of Brando” are enough to make me chuckle.

The Performance of Being Human, by Daniel Borzutzky - The National Book Award winner for Poetry, 2016, everyone. It’s not bad, and I certainly understand why it was selected, as it rides the zeitgeist in matters of borders and refugees, which needs more attention now more than ever. It can be more than a little cloying, though, in its balance of privilege and compassion.

Double Zero, by Chris Hosea -

Prairie Style, C.S. Giscombe -

A Legend of the Future, by Agustín de Rojas -

Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City, by Matthew Desmond -

Algravias; Echo Chamber, by Waly Salomão -

Against Everything: Essays, by Mark Greif -

Cities at Dawn, by Geoffrey Nutter -

Black Wave, by Michelle Tea -

The Art of the Publisher, by Roberto Calasso -

I’ll Tell You in Person, by Chloe Caldwell -

The Babysitter at Rest, by Jen George -

The Wangs vs. The World, by Jade Chang -

The Subsidiary, by Matías Celedón - A concept piece that takes place within an office-universe in which some sort of disaster has taken place, and the narrator can only communicate through the stamps that litter his desk. The conceit doesn’t quite work for me, but it’s relatively painless (it took me about thirty minutes to read) and I could easily be missing some of the nuance from Celedón’s Chilean setting.

Whatever Happened to Interracial Love?, by Kathleen Collins -

Memories That Smell Like Gasoline, by David Wojnarowicz - This book accurately captures a type of art coming out of gay communities in the eighties and early nineties for me (a person who has no experience with that time or the communities formed then). Blunt, honest, and radical, Wojnarowicz mixes pornographic sketches with recounts of

The Paper Menagerie and Other Stories, by Ken Liu -

The Irrationalist, by Suzanne Buffam - The first section of Buffam’s 2012 work (previous to 2016’s loved-by-me A Pillow Book) had me a bit nervous but I was won over by the middle section of “Little Commentaries” that deployed dozens of aphoristic little witticisms to great effect.

Partly: New and Selected Poems, 2001-2015, by Rae Armantrout - Armantrout’s poetry seems to be loosening up from the rather strict structure she has been writing in the past couple years. While she has perfected that particular structure, it’ll be interesting to see the formal variation that also pops up in the earlier work from this collection come back again. We’ll see if this is a throat-clearing moment or an opportunity for something new.

Ariel, by Sylvia Plath - What more could I say?

Another Day in the Death of America: A Chronicle of Ten Short Lives, by Gary Younge -

The Service Porch, by Fred Moten -

Journal of Ugly Sites and Other Journals, by Stacy Szymaszek -

Black Lavender Milk, by Angel Dominguez -

A Series of Un/Natural/ Disasters, by Cheena Marie Lo -

The Attraction of Things, by Roger Lewinter -

The Old Philosopher, by Vi Khi Nao -

All That Man Is, David Szalay -

Strangers in Their Own Land: Anger and Mourning on the American Right, by Arlie Russell Hochschild -

Structure from Motion, by Tom Raworth - RIP Raworth

At the Foundling Hospital, by Robert Pinsky - PINSKYYYYYYY

The Mountain and the Wall, by Alisa Ganieva - Hmm, a novel about the construction of a wall that cuts off part of the world from the rest of it, which fuels a lot of anger and fundamentalism? Where have I heard that one before? Actually though, read this. It’s a fascinating look at a different part of the world that also serves as a funhouse mirror look into our own situation, minus all of the fun.

Ethics in the Real World: 82 Brief Essays on Things That Matter by Peter Singer - Dude doesn’t want us to eat meat.

My Private Property, by Mary Ruefle - Not as enthusiastic about this as I would have hoped.

Moonglow, by Michael Chabon - Not a terrible book by any means, but the novel-cum-biography of Chabon’s grandfather is very paint-by-numbers Great Male Authors of 21st Century America stuff here. Paging the Jonathans.

Fish in Exile, by Vi Khi Nao - A brilliant, brilliant work that screams POET’S NOVEL!!!!!, Fish in Exile refracts the death of a child into enigmatic prose pumped full of classical signifiers. Read this.

The Hermit, by Lucy Ives - Fragments based around the challenges of literary work and creation. Pretty alright, but not as delightful or insightful as I would have wanted them to be.

Among Strange Victims, by Daniel Saldaña París - Watch out for this one, it starts out with stoner comedy charm and ends in a completely different place. Worth reading, even if it isn’t super sticky in the memory.

Difficult Women, by Roxane Gay -

The Espresso Between Sleep and Wakefulness, by Roberto Echavarren -

Soft City, by Pushwagner - Praise be that this book was rediscovered and subsequently published by New York Review of Books. Pushwagner created one of the most succinct and beautiful interpretations of the postmodern late-capitalist experience around, one that doesn’t rely on overly dystopian imagery or egoistic experimentation.

Future Sex, by Emily Witt - I wanted a lot more out of this book than I got. Maybe this isn’t the fault of the book, per se; I think the book was mishandled and misadvertised by the publisher, building up false expectations. Ultimately, this doesn’t feel like the best melding of author and subject. Witt writes well, but writes from a reluctant and withholding perspective, so we don’t get a lot of either personal insight or philosophizing being done about the different aspects of ‘new sexuality’ that she explores, just observation.

Mister Monkey, by Francine Prose - What is the name for the literary form when a novel goes round-robin, hopping perspective from one character to the next chapter by chapter? It must go back a ways, at least to The Canterbury Tales if not before, but I feel like this form has gotten even more popular recently, something that could probably be attributed to the success of Jennifer Egan’s A Visit from the Goon Squad. Mister Monkey examines the people associated with the titular children’s musical, and while there are bits to commend, it can just as easily feel a bit rote. One of the main facets of this form, the chapter that takes the perspective of an omniscient/mythic figure pops up near the end, right where you’d expect to see it (that the figure is an ur-monkey, the Mister of all Monkeys, makes this more forgiveable). Prose’s prose (who can resist?) works well on a micro level, but I’m not sure whats to be gleamed from the big picture, and the book isn’t rollicking or emotionally touching enough to get by on its own graces. Ultimately good, but inessential.

Bestiary: Poems, by Donika Kelly - A well-wrought collection of thematically cohesive poems that use creatures, both real and mythic, to interpret the writer’s relationships, primarily to their partner and their father.

300 Arguments, by Sarah Manguso - A book of aphorisms that mostly hits its mark. It’s kinda weird, considering this is a somewhat buzzy book that just came out, and I don’t usually associate the genre of aphorism/fragment to work at that register. Books like this should,

We Love You, Charlie Freeman, by Kaitlyn Greenidge - I didn’t expect to dig this one as much as I did, mainly because the conceit of a family living with a chimp for an experiment is a bit uninspiring. We don’t need any more contemporary fiction about monkeys and chimpanzees, people. But this book got its hooks in me with the smart ways Greenidge depicts and dissects race, and she has a real talent for ratcheting up tension and uncomfortability, without you really noticing, until it knocks you over all at once. Chimp-nursing scene, I’m talking bout you!

Idaho, by Emily Ruskovich - What is it about the northwest that fosters these earnest, loving, and harsh novels about grief and loss? This may be 2017′s version of Shelter in Place for me.

Sex Object, by Jessica Valenti - While I agree with everything Valenti is saying here, and I think that the stories she shares here are necessary experiences to share and be exposed to, I found that the overall construction of the book was a bit lacking. Valenti jumps back and forth in time through her life from chapter to chapter without a reason to be so nonlinear, and I didn’t find much analysis or a clear thesis of either the entire work or each individual chapter. It would have helped to build little segways between the sections at least, so it didn’t feel so disconnected as a whole.

Human Acts, by Han Kang - Very different from Kang’s English-language breakout The Vegetarian, Human Acts is a fragmented novel about Korean uprisings and protests, and features a huge cast of characters in a rather compact frame. I don’t think it works quite as well as the singular Vegetarian, but I appreciate the scope of Han Kang’s writing and will pick up whatever is translated next.

White Blight, by Athena Farrokhzad - An intense poetic look into the stress of assimilation as consumes a family from the inside and out. The white text over black bars used here is particularly evocative; I’d even love to see it in more works, so it becomes a widespread stylistic protest, and not a one-time gimmick (not that I would accuse it of that).

The Vision, Vol 1: Little Worse Than a Man, by Tom King - An interesting take on the subgenre of superhero narratives about superheroes that just want to hang up their cowls and capes for a while to be normal people-- or synthezoids, as it were. A great pacing of plot in this first volume, so it’s not all set up nor does it feel like it’s rushing into something; the two murders that take place are given a unique emotional heft here. What I’ll be looking for in further volumes is a refinement of the type of humor that this comic wants to strike. The humor here worked for me but was a bit erratic.

Savage Theories, by Pola Oloixarac - The first truly astounding novel of 2017 that I’ve read (technically published in 2013, but new in English). I don’t know if I could accurately describe the contours of this story, but it involves a woman semi-obsessed with a decrepit literary theorist, a couple getting into group-sex, and some early anthropology. This is probably a trite statement, but I wish more of English-language contemporary literature would get this dense and knotty.

The Invention of Morel, by Adolfo Bioy Casares - A strange little tale, loved by Borges, of a man on an island watching the woman he loves from afar. This is one of those books that seems to necessitate a double reading, to finish it and go right back to the start again (which isn’t a tall order considering it’s barely 100 pages). While I did not to do that, and while I do appreciate it, I feel like when I make the second trip back to this strange little island I’ll find it even more profound.

Shadowbahn, by Steve Erickson - I loved this book. I know it’s a book detractors could easily tear apart for being a smoothie of every postmodernist novel trope and figure that Erickson could fit in there (9/11! Elvis! JFK!) but the amount of daring that Erickson had to have in order to pull this off is immense. I just love how it shambolically comes together.

The Making of Donald Trump, by David Cay Johnston - A quick-hit summation of many shitty things Donald Trump has done leading up to his campaign. Good background. Sigh.

A Separation, by Katie Kitamura - Apparently trying to be the Gone Girl (but reverse?) of the year, but in the end it’s kinda a big nothing of a book.

Astrobolism, by Caroline Crumpacker - A playful and theory-heavy collection of poems that I liked a good deal. Crumpacker doesn’t give you an easy way into most of these poems, with titles such as “Against the Gorgeous as Eternal Team Sport” and “Aesthetic Symbiotic” and they can at times feel like they should be pre-packaged with annotations, but that isn’t a bad thing. Crumpacker bounces through academically potent words and phrases to deliver something rebellious and fun.

Barley Patch, by Gerald Murnane - An interesting autofiction novel about the author’s attempt to give up fiction/writing. I would definitely check out more by Murnane. I’ve also barely read anything from Australia. Why is that not a thing in the US?

Invisible Man, Got The Whole World Watching, by Mychal Denzel Smith - Smith’s depiction of his education and progress to become a feminist black man. Worth reading as an enlightening perspective on how black masculinity can be intersectional and how it needs to get there.