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chainofclovers · 3 years ago

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This Way Up season 2 thoughts and feelings

We finished watching the second season of This Way Up last night (watched it in two sittings over Friday and Saturday) and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would though the season did feel uneven at times. The story also made me feel incredibly, incredibly sad, and my brain is so cluttered with thoughts that I'm not sure I'll be able to actually make sense of the show if I don't just go on and share my impressions, as scattered, self-indulgent, and based on the limited memory of a single viewing as they are.

Where was I when I was watching this season of television?

Physically, I was on the couch with my wife, repeatedly remembering and forgetting that the Olympics were happening. And so, interspersed with this deep dive into the mental health and personal and professional challenges of London-based Irish sisters Áine and Shona, I experienced some archery, skateboarding (those bros honestly seem tooooo cool to even want to come to something as embarrassingly earnest as the Olympics, but good for them!), and men's gymnastics.

Mentally, I was contemplating some significant professional (and, yes, personal in their way) life events that are neither here nor there for tumblr dot com. I was also considering the season two premiere of Ted Lasso and my fannish relationship to that show. For it is true--the person I was while watching season 1 of This Way Up is not the same person who watched season 2 this weekend, because in the meantime a 45-year old white man from Kansas (and every person he knows) managed to become my primary media preoccupation, and I am surprisingly chill about how not chill I am about this anxiety-ridden ray of sunshine/football coach (both footballs). But as we all know, being chill does not mean feeling chill. That make sense?

Anyway. This Way Up. It's about to become a mess of spoilers and feelings in here, so venture behind the cut if you dare!

For Obvious Queer Reasons I was extremely curious to find out what happens between Shona and Charlotte and Shona and Vish. As such, while it was uncomfortable to watch, I think my favorite scene in the whole season is when Shona and Vish have video chat sex and Shona has this intrusive memory of sleeping with Charlotte that feels like the ONLY moment in the entire season that she isn't performing or editing herself in some way.

My other favorite moment is when Charlotte talks about how upsetting it is to feel like a "lesson learned" chapter in Shona's autobiography.

I cannot believe I'm about to type these words, but I think the writing on this show might actually put too much trust in viewers to pick up on things. I know, this never happens! This is my dream! Why am I typing this? But hear me out. I think there are a lot of interesting parallels in terms of whether Shona and Vish (established, engaged, committed) and Áine and Richard (new, taboo [but is it really that crazy that she ends up dating the dad of someone she tutors?], exploratory) are truly able to listen to each other and accept each other's needs. It's about honesty or lack thereof, and it's also about what's really happening inside someone's mind. It's such an incredible moment when Richard tells Áine he likes that she's always so "up" and she has this private moment where you can see this heartbreak in her eyes because of course we know that she really struggles with her mental health and with depression. And I like that the show has both Bradley and Charlotte in the position of being on the overlapping outside of those relationships, offering their own wisdom from a place of really, really caring about Áine and Shona. But I just wanted MORE of that. This episodes are so short, and I needed there to be more of a tight story about those parallels, more of a sense that we'd hurtle towards some kind of revelation by episode 6.

I realize this is a thing about UK shows, but these seasons are just too short. The episodes are like 24 minutes long and there are only six of them and I felt that while you could create an effective season of TV with those constraints, this season jumped between scenes too frequently. I wanted to live in the scenes for longer. I didn't want to feel like I was watching the editing and decisions about what to show happen before my eyes.

If season 3 happens, my second biggest dream is that Bradley and Áine can have a conversation following up from the observation that it would be nice to be with someone they're just comfortable with (spoken while they're slumped on the couch together having one of the warmest conversations two characters share all season). My biggest dream is that Shona and Charlotte can have a respectful conversation about how Shona defines her sexuality. I want Shona to be safe explaining if she'd want to use the term bisexual or queer or pan or even lesbian or some combination of those terms. Not because the labels are the most useful thing, but because in this case it would be incredibly useful for her to force herself to choose some words, not in the context of feeling Vish-related pressure. To be brave enough to describe herself, and to be safe enough to know that Charlotte isn't going to make some snide comment about men. It's totally fair that Charlotte is so hurt, but she needs to be able to listen, too.

I do think this season does an incredible job capturing Shona's intense ambivalence about herself, and how she is SCRAMBLING to deflect from that by focusing on her sister, work, family, wedding-planning, the hen do, basically anything but dealing with her own little brain and heart. I mean, when COVID starts to arrive in their lives, it feels like she really wants Vish's asthmatic uncle to be the golden ticket they need to call off the wedding.

I have mixed feelings about how frequently Áine references the feeling of being an actor or the feeling of experiencing things as someone might in a movie or show or the feeling that someone else is treating her as an actor or character rather than as a real person. I think it's an interesting thing to write about, but upon first watch I struggled to figure out if it was a commentary on the other parts of the story or an additional thread Aisling Bea wanted to weave into an already incredibly short season of TV.

It was very jarring to have a COVID plot. The only mainstream media I've seen so far with a COVID plot is--LOL (to quote Áine, who says LOL so many times this season)--the final scene of the Saved By the Bell remake. Again I say LOL!!! I didn't hate it or love it, necessarily, I just thought it felt strange because we're still in the pandemic and everything is strange.

Everything with Tom was so, so, so painful. I don't know if I can even get into it. I just felt visceral devastation and was hurtled into strong memories about people in my own life who died prematurely. (Suicide but not only suicide.) The way the last scene ended felt like--immediate tears just pulled from my eyes without me even realizing what was happening. And God, the way Tom-in-the-flashback calls her a "soppy cunt" (I think?) and we realize Áine used those exact words to jokingly refer to Richard's previous girlfriend who was a human rights lawyer? GOD.

While Áine and Shona don't really engage with each other in the same way my sister and I do, my sister and I are also really, really close and I'm the older sister and watching this show always gives me a lot of emotions about siblings. This is actually part of why the rapid scene cuts and feeling that they both were leaving so much unarticulated stressed me out. Áine nails it at the end when Shona has finally told her about Charlotte and she says Shona needs to tell her more, but I wanted to SEE that conversation happen. I wanted to FEEL Áine's reaction, because Áine's reaction matters more than Vish's or their mother's or anyone else's. It was frustrating!

I dunno, y'all. I really love this show. I think it is exactly what it wants to be. I could not tell you today if I will ever rewatch it even though I (think I) still consider it a favorite. I honor and respect the fundamental messiness and pain and hilarity of this show. What a wild experience.

#this way up #this way up spoilers #meta by me #cw suicide #about me #this is all over the place but then again I am all over the place

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years ago

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Sun and Fun (S2, E12)

I can’t believe FOX has cancelled this absolute masterpiece of a show. I’m devastated. I’d like to think we’ll get picked up by another network for season 3 but I’m a pessimist and I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’ll be hanging around the fandom either way though.

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:20 - Malcolm losing it in Martin’s cell? *chef’s kiss*. 1) excellent performance by Tom. 2) This is the Malcolm mental health content I subscribed for. This is Malcolm feeling overwhelmed, helpless, worthless, and frustrated all at the same time. This. Is. Wonderful. And. Realistic. This is what overwhelming anxiety (especially if you have an anxiety disorder) can feel like. It builds and builds until all of a sudden you’re consumed with all this nervous energy and frustration and it all turns to rage in an instant. But you’re not angry at other people. You don’t want to hurt anyone. That rage is just self hatred because you hate that you feel this broken and your stupid brain won’t function normally.

0:33 - annnnd then when the excess nervous energy is spent but that feeling of self-hatred, despair, and fear still remains - you’re physically exhausted and 7/10. times you cry. Again, crying because of how stupid you feel for your little rage outburst, for how stupid you feel for feeling this terrible all the time. Malcolm is depicting a severe anxiety episode perfectly (in my experience) and THIS is why FOX is moronic for cancelling the show. The gorgeous and accurate depictions of mental health in Prodigal Son is unprecedented, truthful, and heartbreaking. It’s like nothing else on television.

0:50 - This kind of hurts. Look at how cautiously Dani enters the room. Almost as if Malcolm is a wild animal she doesn’t want to scare. It makes sense given the state of the room she just entered and how completely openly and uncharacteristically vulnerable Malcolm is. I will say this though, despite how cautious she is, it’s obvious that she cares about Malcolm more than whatever happened before she walked into the room.

1:03 - “So all eyes are on his head case son right?” This line is a direct quote from Malcolm’s anxiety disorder and depression. This is how you feel about yourself when in the middle of an anxiety episode when you’re also depressed. BUT OUR GIRL DANI!!! <3 This girl looks confused and concerned to hear Malcolm diss himself like that. The fact that she tries to comfort him when he’s in this state, makes her an absolutely A++ friend.

1:11 - “No one cares about that.” “I CARE. I can’t live like this.” This scene resonates with me so so so much. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been 100% aware of how irrational my anxieties are and simultaneously 100% unable to do a damn thing about it because I’m too scared of who I’d be without the fear. Because I’ve defined myself by my anxieties for so long that it’s become the only definable element of my personality visible to me. I’m getting that vibe from Malcolm. I’m sure that’s exactly how he’s feeling right now.

1:30 - “That’s not what scares you. What scares you is living the rest of your life without your father in it.” Dani knows and I felt personally called out. THIS EMOTIONAL WHUMP IS GIVING ME LIFE. <3

1:39 - Look at our floppy haired, devastated boy. :( <3 I’m genuinely shook that he didn’t have a full mental breakdown this episode (but it’s coming....it’s inevitable at this point :) ). ALSO the look of absolute love and concern Dani is shooting towards Malcolm? Absolutely perfect. <3

1:51 - I genuinely find it so interesting that Malcolm keeps referring to “The Surgeon” as “Martin”. If you read my thoughts on 2x11 you know I think it’s because Malcolm has separated ‘Martin Whitly’ into three separate people in his head. “The Surgeon” = the serial killer who traumatized him and ruined his childhood. “Dad/Father” = the man who loved and cared for baby!Malcolm. But “Martin” = unknown. Malcolm doesn’t know who Martin is yet and it scares him.

1:58 - “For once in your life slow down and acknowledge what this is doing to you.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this line. So. So. SO. MUCH. <3 <3 This is the kind of comfort Malcolm needs. SOMEONE needs to tell him that he’s breaking, it’s not his fault, and he doesn’t deserve to suffer for Martin.

2:07 - annnnnnd Malcolm has gone full crazy-person string murder board. He’s right but he’s still acting like a manic crazy person. Like, a real one. Not his usual manic behaviour. This is straight up - this boy needs medication, a nap, therapy, and a doctor. Now.

2:34 - Ugh. This whole cop/Vivian scene made my skin crawl. So gross. So creepy. I hate Capshaw. So much. This woman is manipulative, evil, and so so creepy. The cop was also gross. But I 100% thought she was going to kill the cop because this felt like an opening scene to Criminal Minds.

4:38 - “THEY WERE HAVING SEX.” hhahahahahahaha holy shit. This is both hilarious and really upsetting (not just because Martin/Capshaw is NASTY). Malcolm is manically, yelling about his theories in a room full of people who love him. He sounds crazy. He’s acting crazy and Dani, JT, and Gil are just staring at him with a mixture of disbelief, concern, and sympathy. <3 It’s heartbreaking. Malcolm is an inch away from a mental breakdown. I’m here for it.

4:49 - “TMI bro.” <3

5:05 - Ugh. This breaks my heart. The team doesn’t think Malcolm is crazy. They just know he’s at the end of his rope. The looks they’re exchanging aren’t based in anger, contempt, or a lack of trust. They’re based in concern and I LOVE IT.

5:21 - LOOK AT OUR BABY. He’s breaking. He’s so close. :( Look at how desperate he is to find Martin.

5:35 - “That’s exactly what it means.” “Gil, please. You know how much I need this.” THIS HURTS. Gil isn’t angry here - he’s frustrated and scared for Malcolm. And Malcolm? This boy is toeing the line of a full breakdown in front of 3 of his favourite people - that’s out of character for him. Despite the shaking hand and general mania - Malcolm usually refrains from raising his voice in front of Dani and JT. He tries to stay calm-ish so he doesn’t get labelled as ‘violent’ like his serial killer father.

5:39 - “StOp. I am scared.” Dani knew exactly how to diffuse the situation. Malcolm can be manipulative and dysfunctional but he never wants to scare people (at least, not unless they’re suspects or obstructing justice).

5:46 - “I’m not ordering you this time. I’m begging you.” Papa!Gil’s seen Malcolm like this before. SO WHY IS NO ONE HUGGING MALCOLM?!?! The boy is clearly coming apart at the seams.

5:48 - Malcolm’s reaction to Gil sending him home is gorgeous. He looks sad, betrayed, and resigned. It’s as though he’s convinced himself that the team doesn’t trust him or care about him anymore. He doesn’t walk out angry. He walks out sad and determined. Head held high but eyes full of grief.

5:54 - I’d give anything to have heard the conversation between Dani, JT, and Gil after Malcolm left the room. ANYTHING.

6:02 - “He thinks I’m a liability.” No. Not exactly. He thinks Malcolm is in the throws of a mental health crisis and that he shouldn’t be responsible for catching his serial killer father. Again.

6:15 - “I support Gil’s decision. That does not mean I want your father dead.” #coparenting but also, true. I honestly don’t think Jessica wants Martin dead. I think she wants Ainsley and Malcolm to be happy and free from Martin but not dead. She knows that Malcolm might never recover from Martin’s death with all of his unanswered questions and suppressed childhood trauma. She also knows that Ainsley would always resent being prevented from bonding with her father. I think Jessica still loves Martin - well, the man she thought she married. Jessica doesn’t care for Martin Whitly. But she loves the man he pretended to be and even though she knows he wasn’t real - she doesn’t want him to die. I think she wants him to disappear (maybe get transferred to a prison in a different state?) but she doesn’t want him dead. That would make her no better than the serial killer (in Jessica’s mind anyways).

6:25 - “You have become consumed by this Malcolm.” Check out the side eyed look Ainsley gives Malcolm. She’s jealous. Her brother is on the verge of a mental breakdown but she’s jealous of the attention he’s getting from Jessica. I get it - Jessica hasn’t been the best mom to Ainsley. BUT GIRL, gain some perspective. Don’t you care about your brother?!?! That should trump the jealousy for a few minutes at least.

6:35 - “I love you.” <3 <3 <3 I’m going to cry. This might be my favourite Jessica+Malcolm moment to date. So precious.

6:43 - THIS. “I love you. Both of you. More than I hate him.” This is why Jessica doesn’t want Martin dead.....but she also doesn’t care if he lives. I know that sounds like a contradiction but it’s a real thing and if you’ve never felt that way about someone - I pray you never have to.

7:06 - “Then she’s a victim.” .....I disagree. Capshaw had a (weird and manipulative) consensual relationship with Martin. She has as much of an agenda as Martin (although, Jessica didn’t know that here). Capshaw isn’t a victim. She’s not being compliant with Martin as a form of self-preservation or fear. She’s doing it because she’s a manipulative crazy person who is in love with a convicted serial killer.

7:45 - I’ve never felt this unsettled while watching Prodigal Son. Capshaw showing her true colours is so so so disturbing. This woman is insane (with all the stigma). The dress. The martini (Jessica’s favourite drink?). The fact that she dressed Martin up in a suit. The music. The weirdly elegant wheelchair. The lovey way she’s talking. It all makes my skin crawl.

8:33 - OMG. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel bad for Martin Whitly?!?!?!

9:55 - JESSICA AND MALCOLM doing a rich person ambush tag-team IS AMAZING. <3

9:57- How sad is this? 23 years and Jessica still can’t walk into a room without people whispering and judging her behind her back. :( This woman keeps her head held high - despite the pain she must be in - she’s a superhero. Change my mind.

10:30 - "Malcolm Whitly? You're.." I have this headcanon that the general public assumes Malcolm is dead. He changed his last name and fell off the grid. People treat Jessica like a social pariah so she wouldn't be able to tell them otherwise. And sure, Ainsley referred to Malcolm in the present tense during her Surgeon interview but how many people actually watched it actually paid attention to that little tidbit after Martin went full blown psychopath on camera? Plus, no one really cares about the Surgeon's son enough to look him up 23 years later. At least, no one who matters.

11:25 - Like mother, like son. You can't change my mind. They have the same manipulation style. It's justice based and determined. Ainsley and Martin's style? Vindictive and self-serving.

11:30 - Oh look. ANOTHER CONTINUITY ERROR. WHO PROOFREADS THESE SCRIPTS?!? I CAN’T KEEP OVERLOOKING THESE. For God’s sake. Send copies of the script to fans who sign NDAs or something. At least we know what happened in previous episodes.

12:33 - "Gross." I'm with Ainsley on this one.

12:45 - "My assistant." "Long suffering". hahahha omg. I love this for two reasons: 1) it's hilarious 2) it's true. Malcolm literally disposed of a body for Ainsley. He's her assistant and he's suffered for it.

13:05 - Yo. This dude is whack. Like this is some serious Stockholm's syndrome going on here. Vivian is his hero?!? .........I can't.

13:55 - Why do the gifts Vivian sends Zeiger look like human bones? Damn this is twisted. This is like some sort of twisted serial killer pseudo-trophy situation?

14:52 - "I don't think Vivian is the victim here. I think our father is." Yikes. This is not going to help Malcolm's mental stability. At all. He's been trying to fully accept that his father is a serial killing monster who was literally never capable of loving him for the past 23 years. BUT NOW our boy has taken the role of 'good son' (prodigal son is you will) and has returned to his 10 year old mentality "I love dad. Dad loves me." and 'dad' is in trouble. Malcolm is trying to save his serial killer father and the emotional and mental hoops he's jumping through are terrifying, complex, and hauntingly realistic. <3 It's gorgeous.

15:04 - "I'm not used to this type of confinement." I love this line because of how deeply it rings true. Martin isn't used to confinement. Sure, he's been chained to a wall for 23 years but he's been relatively happy about it. He's been able to manipulate Malcolm and the other inmates. He's been given TV time, phone time, consultations, books, music, free food, and a massive private cell (seriously that cell is as big as the bachelor's suite I rent for $900 CAD a month). The man has been living a life of luxury (given his crimes). His only 'punishment'? He's stuck inside his cell and he's not allowed to kill anymore. THIS is Martin truly suffering. I kind of feel bad for him (which I never thought I'd say).

15:20 - Damn. Michael Sheen is incredible. He's genuinely making me feel concerned and scared for Martin.

15:32 - Something tells me a man hurt Capshaw in some way throughout her life. This has to be deeper than the whole "I didn't fit into the 'boys club' of surgery". Her issues with men are aggressive and alarming. This woman is nuts. This woman is why I hesitate to call myself a feminist (I generally think we should drop the titles of feminist/misogynist/racist/homophobe... and just treat people with respect. I think the titles and groups just further divide people.)

15:50 - "You're finally free." Yep. Capshaw is a nutcase. She actually believes that she's committed a perfect crime.

16:09 - This place has virtually no furniture but I’m expected to believe someone is paying the phone bill?!?! Nah.

17:08 - That. Smile. This woman is a devil. Like, I think I hate her as much as I hate Umbridge. But unlike Umbridge, Capshaw is downright terrifying.

17:12 - Was anyone else kind of surprised that Martin called Jessica? I mean, I guess she was a safer choice than the cops but still...

17:20 - As creepy and this whole ‘Martin is a victim’ thing is - it’s kind of nice? Like - I just keep thinking “How does it feel Martin?!?! This is how you made your victims feel. Do you like it?” and then I realize I’m a terrible person.

17:55 - Ainsley’s in on this. I swear, she’s somehow involved with either Capshaw or Martin.

18:18 - Oh look. Martin is shackled to the bed. Just like Malcolm shackles himself to bed so he can sleep every night. .....I keep oscillating between being vindictive toward Martin and feeling bad for him. That’s what makes this show incredible. The ‘villain’ is human and 3 dimensional.

18:44 - Oh God. The psychopath is jealous. This woman is UNSTABLE. How has no one locked her up yet?!?

19:43 - She’s crying. She’s actually crying. Even the rewatch of this scene is painful. I just feel so uncomfortable (which was probably the intent) and I hate both characters. They’re both actively trying to manipulate each other and it’s so creepy. Damn.

20:15 - Holy. Shit. This woman is by far the scariest villain Prodigal Son has given us.

21:17 - ..............I have nothing to say. My brain has short circuited. I can’t get past how horrifying this scene is. She’s a maniac.

21:57 - No one will make eye contact with Malcolm. :( They all think he’s losing it but they’re not scared of him. They’re scared for him.

22:10 - “A trusted member of my team has a theory I run it down.” THANK YOU GIL. SUBTLY TELL MALCOLM THAT YOU TRUST HIM. That’s what he needed to hear. He was doubting that anyone cared. :(

22:45 - “Do you HeAr yourself?!?” Ouch. Gil’s right - Malcolm sounds nuts. Unfortunately, Malcolm’s also right (more or less). Look at how sad Malcolm is - he honestly looks like he’s on the verge of a panic attack. :( Malcolm thinks Gil doesn’t trust him anymore. Malcolm thinks Gil thinks he’s crazy. It’s heartbreaking. SOMEONE HUG THIS LITTLE CINNAMON ROLL.

22:54 - JT, buddy. Not the time. You’re making this worse. :( Malcolm is two breaths away from crying.

23:40 - “Dani, you up for this? Cause he sure isn’t.” Gil is losing it. Look at him. Gil is watching the boy he considers as his son unravel and Gil can’t do anything about it.

23:45 - “Either way, he’s going there. I’ll keep an eye on him.” I love Dani for this. Brightwell or not - the fact that she’s willing to chase smoke in an attempt to keep Malcolm from having a full mental breakdown makes her a hero.

23:48 - JT, hug Gil! He needs a hug!

24:16 - Martin is screaming while shackled to a bed.....where have I seen this before?

25:39 - “I did this for you because you needed it.”....”Dani, I respect you.” Excuse me while I go sob in the corner. Malcolm just uttered the words “I respect you.” and my heart exploded.

26:11 - “You don’t care. None of you care if my father lives or dies.” No, Malcolm, you’re wrong. They care. They all care so so much. Not about the life of the Martin Whitly though. They care about how Martin Whitly will continue to torment you if he’s caught alive. They care about how badly you’ll grieve if he ends up dying. They care about how this will affect YOU. because they love you.

26:22 - “You would be free.” SAY IT LOUDER DANI! He’d be in enormous pain for a while, but Malcolm would heal.

26:56 - “Let him go, Malcolm.” <3 <3 Malcolm is listening to Dani. He’s opening up about his fears. This is good (for Malcolm’s mental health). I am happy.

27:04 - WOW BABY! That kiss was......passionate? I mean, we all knew they were going to kiss (thanks previews) but I honestly didn’t expect a kiss this long or passionate? They’ve both been clearly denying their feelings for each other for a while though so I guess it makes sense?

27:20 - We all know Dani was going to talk about how they could make a relationship work for them and/or how she loves Malcolm but thinks he should focus on his mental health before they start dating. BUT MALCOLM? That boy thinks he just ruined his friendship with Dani and I’m heartbroken. Look at his sad little face. :(

28:31 - sooooo when exactly did Malcolm’s phone call drop? I feel like Ainsley had more access to the conversation that just what she shares with Dani in a couple of minutes.

29:08 - Look at this sad, scared little boy. He genuinely thinks that saving Martin will earn Martin’s love. I’m heartbroken.

29:22 - THIS. Malcolm is so desperate for Martin’s love that he essentially consented to being kidnapped, tortured, and potentially murdered. :( This is bad.

30:06 - Malcolm took unknown drugs from a crazy person. UGH. The stress of loving this unstable man-child is going to kill me. I’m so worried for him. ALSO WHO THE HELL CHEWS PILLS?!?! That’s disgusting.

30:24 - Dani thinks Malcolm is being a typical guy - terrified of relationships/talking about his feelings. She’s hurt. The Brightwell ship has encountered another storm.

30:35 - Anyone else get major flashbacks to 1x11 when Gil shows up to the townhouse to tell Jessica that Malcolm’s been kidnapped? You know, when he walks past all the reporters?!

30:50 - Ugh. :( Poor Jessica. That call from Capshaw gave her quite the emotional dilemma. As she said earlier, she loves her children more than she hates Martin. Soooo does she tell someone about the call, save Martin, and let Martin continue to torment her children? Or does she let Capshaw kill Martin, compromise her morals, let her children grieve for a while - but ultimately heal? It’s an impossible choice.

31:13 - “I know why you’re anxious Jess.” UGH. Get yourself a man you looks at you the way Gil look at Jessica. So much love. So much concern. If Gil wasn’t fictional and I wasn’t asexual (and 24) I would marry that man.

31:23 - “He has become convinced that his father is a victim in all of this.” Gil is so upset. He’s angry - at Martin for having this much power over Malcolm so many years later. He’s angry that Malcolm is still suffering so much because of his father. He’s upset because Martin is still hurting the people Gil loves 23 years after he was initially arrested.

31:33 - “There’s no good outcome here Jess.” Thank you. Gil is a man with awareness into Malcolm’s psyche. He knows this is going to hurt Malcolm no matter what happens. He’s scared and he’s bracing himself for impact. I love him. I want more people in the world who love people this deeply.

31:50 - “It’s okay to hope for that you know.” THANK YOU GIL. THANK YOU. Someone needed to tell Jessica that she’s not a monster for wanting the reason her children continue to suffer to disappear (even if tha means he dies). It’s not a malicious, evil thought toward Martin. It’s a hope for her children’s wellbeing.

32:04 - “And in my weaker moments, I want him dead too.” <3 I’m imagining Gil praying that Martin is killed by an inmate after he comforts a teenage Malcolm from a nightmare. I’m imagining Gil praying Riker’s finally kills Martin as he watched Malcolm spiral into Martin’s grasp again last year. I’m imagining Gil crying himself to sleep because he’s so damn tired of watching Jessica and Malcolm suffer because of Martin. I love him for it. <3

32:15 - “Maybe things could be different.” .....I’m sorry. Does this mean Gillica is off again?! The flirting and dancing from 2x9 meant nothing?!? It was a hoax?!? I’m furious.

32:35 - “It’s the actions that matter.” Damn. Gil is too good for the nonsense that is the Whitly family. Doesn’t he know that life isn’t always that simple?

32:46 - Annnnnd now Jessica will convince herself that she’s a bad person because she didn’t tell anyone about Capshaw’s call. She will also convince herself that she’s not good enought for Gil. AND I will cry myself to sleep.

32:55 - That hug <3 Sooooo Gillica is still on? I’m hella confused.

33:05 - There it is. Dani is still upset with Malcolm. The Brightwell ship is taking in water my dudes.

33:52 - Wow. He looks pretty in that makeshift hospital bed. Sleeves rolled up. Shirt half unbuttoned. Glazed, disoriented look about him as he wakes from a drugged sleep. <3 I’m in heaven.

34:30 - This is why Malcolm can never let Martin go. There are moments when Martin absolutely convinces Malcolm that he loves him.

34:50 - “Because he also happens to be my father.” THIS. IS. THE. MOST. REALISTIC. PORTRAYAL. OF. ABUSIVE. DADDY. ISSUES. Take from someone who lived through an abusive Dad. You hate him. You know he’s messed up. You don’t like or respect him. But a part of you will always love him. Even though you hate that part of yourself.

35:12 - “I want all of you.” .....I’m terrified. This woman is crazy. Crazier than the Surgeon. Is that possible?

36:05 - “You want him to love you. But he can’t.” Have you said that to yourself Malcolm? You know that logically but you don’t feel that in your heart. ....and the writers don’t know that because we’ve seen that Martin loves Malcolm? Sort of? Unless the writers are playing some sort of weird long con on us.

36:50 - This is whump content I signed up for. This crazy bitch just killed Malcolm. We saw the terror in his eyes. BUT HE LIVES. So. I’m. Here. For. It.

36:58 - Martin’s devotion to Malcolm is so so interesting to me. Martin is a psychopath - he’s not supposed to be capable of love. But he clearly loves Malcolm. How? Why? It makes no sense but I love it?

37:47 - Malcolm’s little wheeze when Vivian starts mitigating the embolism. <3 So cute.

37:53 - “I can do without the mansplaining.” I’m getting PTSD. There are too many real women who are this crazy about feminism and mansplaining (this is coming from a woman). Martin isn’t trying to ‘mansplain’ he’s scared and he’s trying to save his son. That’s not mansplaining. He’s not explaining something because he thinks Vivian doesn’t know it. He’s explaining something in a desperate attempt to remind her of the severity of the situation.

38:16 - HOW THE HELL did Ainsley and Dani know where Martin, Capshaw, and Malcolm were? Either 1) Ainsley is somehow working with Capshaw, or 2) they were able to trace Malcolm’s cell (assuming Capshaw didn’t trash it), or 3) Ainsley knew her mom was lying about that phone call and they had it traced?, or 4) this is a convenient plot thing.

38:34 - This bitch is devious and I hate her.

39:30 - Martin Whitly is the hero of the episode. What alternate reality are we living in?

41:15 - Malcolm struggling for breath. <3 The whumpers are being FED.

41:17 - “Run.” This is 23 years of guilt for turning his own father into the police surfacing.

41:31 - “Where’s my family?” I honestly don’t know how I feel about this line. It bothers me but I can’t figure out why.

41:43 - This ending sequence is a work of ART. Malcolm is in physical and emotional pain. Dani (without backup) trying to save Malcolm from Martin. The epic music. The shot of Dani seeing the blood-filled syringe next to the makeshift hospital bed+restraints. Martin Whitly. Driving. A. Boat. And. Laughing - completely elated - with Malcolm passed out (and looking adorable) in the aft seating. The fact that the ONLY house you can see on the shoreline is the house the just escaped from.

THIS EPISODE WAS EXCITING, STRESSFUL, AND WONDERFUL. I’m excited for the SEASON finale and I pray we get a season 3 from a network other than FOX.

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peggyrose19 · 4 years ago

Text

Everything Was Falling Apart Pt. 2

Part 2 here we go! This might end terribly, we’ll see. More angst, as I’m sure you all expected. What will they decide? Who knows. Certainly not me. I just let them do what they want. Anyways. This is kinda mixing the timelines/storylines of both Clandestine and SW so it might be a tiny bit confusing to follow? Idk, I tried my best to make it make sense. Last part was more from Finn’s perspective so this time you get Logan. Whee. That was not intentional, it just happened. Did I mention I just write what they tell me to? Well, I do.

Part 1 is here if you haven’t read it yet.

Also I lied, there will be a part 3 hehe. I just really love leaving you guys in suspense. Sorry not sorry :)

Characters belong to the amazing and lovely @lumosinlove and AU belongs to the wonderful @heyitssmiller.

Logan missed him. He tried and tried to ignore the feeling but he did. Finn was constantly on his mind, with his soft hair and green eyes and loving smile. He missed Leo too. But that was a different pain. The kind of pain that never left. The kind of pain that stuck in his mind when he closed his eyes at night, curly hair stained with blood, brown eyes wide and unblinking flashing past his eyes.

He was in Australia for Leo’s birthday. It was warm there, the seasons opposite to what he was used to. He woke up and found he couldn’t get out of bed. He just lay there and thought about blond curls and dimples and a laugh he’d never hear again. Finn texted him. He didn’t answer. And when his tears had soaked through the pillow, he rolled over and tossed it off the bed, falling into an uneasy sleep until morning.

He was in England for Finn’s birthday. It rained the whole day and he sat unmoving by the window, phone in his hand, thinking of his wide smile and bright eyes and the absence of both the day they’d said goodbye. He couldn’t bring himself to dial the number.

He would have forgotten about his own birthday was it not five days before Christmas. And if his sisters hadn’t bombarded him with messages and questions of when he would be home again. He called them all, faking a smile for them, and promised to be home for Christmas next year. But he had a feeling they saw right through him. Everything was falling apart.

The night Logan flew into JFK airport, he received a voicemail from Finn. It surprised him; Finn had given up contacting him months ago after too many messages had gone unanswered. He pulled it up, pressing play absentmindedly, knowing he wasn’t going to reply, telling himself he was listening to it only to know what he’d said.

But this time something in Finn’s voice pulled him up short.

Hey Lo. I miss you.

It’s been a year since… well. But you know that of course.

I just- I know you’re in New York. Don’t tell me you’re not, we both know it’d be a lie. Can I- can we… I want to see you. Please. It’s been so long. Just… give me a call when you land. Or don’t. Whatever. I just- we need to talk.

I love you.

Logan stood frozen, unaware of the world, everything falling apart around him. The people rushing around him, the announcement being made, the whir of the baggage claim starting up all went by unnoticed. He just stood, staring down at his phone, at the voicemail and the name Finn O’Hara beside it. Finn’s words rang through his head. That was not what he had been expecting.

With shaking hands, he dialed the number.

Finn answered on the first ring.

“Hello?” his voice asked, uncertain and quiet and as familiar to Logan as the green of his eyes, ingrained forever in his mind. Unthinkingly, Logan released a soft sigh.

“Hey, Finn,” he said quietly.

“It’s really you.”

He took a shaky breath. “Yeah.”

“I didn’t think you’d call.”

“Me neither. But your voicemail… fuck, Finn. I- yeah, I’d love to see you.”

“You would?” Finn’s voice rose.

“Yeah. I miss you.”

“Coffee tomorrow?”

Logan forced his nerves down, refusing to get his hopes up about anything. “Sounds good.”

He could almost hear Finn’s smirk as he added, “Or whatever the fuck it is you drink. Cause it certainly isn’t coffee.”

“Fuck off,” Logan let out a startled laugh.

Finn laughed a little too. “So, tomorrow. Does 9:00 work? And there’s a cafe just down the street from my place if you wanna go there. I can send you the address.”

“Sounds good,” Logan managed, voice tight.

“Alright. I’ll see you then Tremz. Don’t bail on me.” He said it jokingly but they both heard the truth beneath it.

“I won’t,” he promised softly.

Finn hung up with a soft click and Logan stood rooted to the spot. He wasn’t sure what to think. Finn had called him. He had called Finn. And Finn had answered. They’d talked. They’d made plans. After a year of not speaking, of not seeing each other, not even being in the same time zone, they were going to coffee tomorrow.

He wasn’t sure he was even going to make it there.

But he had promised. He had promised Finn he would show up and so he would.

He would not fall apart.

Logan woke the next morning having slept a total of two hours. Each time he drifted off, his thoughts betrayed him again, turning back to his date with Finn over and over until he wanted to reach into his mind and pull them out simply for a moment of peace.

He dressed anxiously, changing half a dozen times before forcing himself to stop. For the next hour, he paced the small hotel room, television playing in the background, running his hands through his hair, never quite able to break the habit.

Finn had texted him the address the night before. It was only a ten minute walk and so, at promptly 8:45, Logan left the hotel and hurried down the street, following the blue line on his phone.

It took him only seven minutes to get there. He loitered outside for a moment, watching the city. The streets were crowded like always, cars and pedestrians all trying to get somewhere in a hurry. An old conversation passed through his mind as he waited, a night out with Finn and Leo before they’d gotten together.

“Should we have gone left?”

“We’re literally following the blue line.”

“I know, but that way looks shorter.”

“New Yorker, forever in a hurry.”

The conversation brought the sting that normally accompanied thoughts of Leo. But it faded a bit as he remembered that night, Leo asking them questions about their histories, how they’d met. Neither of them had told the true story of how they’d met, that night at the party, both drunk and flirty and not quite thinking straight. He remembered Leo’s smile, the dimples he’d fallen in love with the first time he’d ever seen them. He remembered Finn’s bright smile and care-free attitude, getting sappy and losing coherent speech with each drink he consumed. And he wished, just for a moment, he could go back to that night.

A hand on his shoulder shook him from his thoughts. He startled, whipping around on instinct. But as soon as he caught sight of the person now in front of him, he froze.

Finn looked nearly the same as he had a year ago. His curls were unruly as ever, falling around his eyes, just a little bit longer. His eyes were dimmer, more subdued than they usually were. No smile graced his face, but he wasn’t frowning.

“Hi,” Finn said softly and Logan nearly melted.

“Finn.” Without a second thought, Logan crashed into his arms. Finn held him close and it was as if no time had passed at all. Their bodies molded together the way they always did, and the feeling of home nearly made Logan cry. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed physical contact until suddenly he was being held again, for the first time in probably a year. Without a word, he buried his face in Finn’s shoulder, hair brushing his cheek.

“I missed you so fucking much,” Finn whispered fiercely into his ear. He pulled away, but kept his arms around Logan, as if afraid he would run if he let go.

“Me too.” He sniffed, telling himself it was just the cold air making his eyes water.

“C’mon, let’s go inside. I have so much to fill you in on.”

They went into the café, charming and small, and got in line, Finn asking Logan question after question about where he’d travelled and what he’d seen. They skirted around the reason he’d left, pretending it had all just been a long vacation. They ordered and sat down, Finn only teasing him a bit about his ridiculously sweet coffee, before continuing his questions.

It was only after they’d exhausted talk of Logan’s travels that silence fell between them.

“I wish Leo was here,” Finn said eventually.

“Me too.”

“He could’ve made us those amazing muffins of his, remember those?”

Logan smiled. “Yeah. Brought ‘em in our first day of the mission. Mon dieu, those were good.”

“Yeah, they were,” he agreed.

“How have you been?” Logan asked. “And tell me the truth. You’ve been bombarding me with questions since we got here. I don’t even know what you’ve been up to.”

Finn sighed. “It’s been really fucking hard. That’s the truth. Because not only did I lose Leo, then I lost you too. And you don’t- you never answered my calls or my messages. I needed to talk to you and you wouldn’t pick up. I had to go through that without you. You were the only other person who knew how I felt, and we could’ve helped each other. But you refused to even look at me, and-” Finn shrugged helplessly- “I’ve tried really hard to forgive you, Lo. But I’m not sure I can. You haven’t made it easy to love you.”

“You still love me?”

“Of course I fucking love you! I never stopped!”

Logan was taken aback by the outburst. He glanced furtively around the room to see if anyone was looking at them, but no one even glanced their way. Finn noticed and sighed.

“Logan, I don’t want to go another year without talking to you. It was torture. I know… I know that we can’t be us again, not the way we used to be, not without Leo. But can we at least be friends? Tremz, I miss my best friend. Please. Don’t walk away from me again.”

Silence fell between them and Logan surveyed the man before him. The man he’d once loved with all his heart, once vowed to himself to never let go, to protect and love and cherish. That had been a year ago. A lot had changed in that year.

But as Finn waited for his answer with bated breath, Logan realized he didn’t want to run anymore.

#angst #more angsty angst #love you guyssss #hehe #mentions of death tw #mentions of blood tw #lumosinlove #clandestine #o'knutzy #sorry not sorry

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dontasktheradiodemon · 4 years ago

Text

Peace Talks, Pt. 1 (3/5/2021)

Alastor #1 (@usedhearts) contacts Alastor #2 (hi there) to ask #2 about why he intervened in #1’s fight with Sir Pentious (who #2 happens to be dating secretly). They meet up to discuss the fight, why that Alastor & Pent hate each other, and potentially how to reduce hostilities between them so these fights don’t keep happening.

(Part 2 where my Alastor goes and gets Sir Pentious’s side is here.)

usedhearts

🩸Alastor, I think we need to have a chat.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 What luck, I've been telling myself the same thing for a couple of weeks! Let's do lunch. I know a very discreet little café that loves to leave me alone and would be twice as happy to do so with two of us there.

usedhearts

🩸Send me the address, I'll meet you there.

dontasktheradiodemon

[Sends an address, as well as a picture of a map with the location circled in sharpie.]

usedhearts

🩸See you soon.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I'll be waiting!

–––

dontasktheradiodemon

The café was an ugly place, in Alastor's opinion—concrete floors and walls, black-painted wooden booths, naked bulbs hanging from simple pipes—but attempting to look like abandoned warehouses was the fashion of cutting-edge restaurants these days, wasn't it? And anyway the coffee was decent and the employees didn't run out the back door when Alastor showed up, so it would do. He got a cup of coffee and some ridiculous fancy toast, claimed a booth, and waited.

usedhearts

He didn't have to wait long-- but a few minutes later and Leclerq was walking in as well, receiving more than a few double takes. He'd swapped his glasses back for his monocle, and his coat was on-- the only thing differentiating him from his alternate his slight longer, wavy hair. Leclerq's smile turned a bit mischievous as the staff looked between him and Alastor, trying to be sure they weren't seeing double. He made his way over to the table and sat, ordering a cup of the strongest they had, black, from a passing staff person.

"So, my dear self, how's things?" He asked, looking at his gloves nails, feigning nonchalance.

dontasktheradiodemon

Alastor smiled innocently at the staff's baffled glances. What, never seen two radios at once?

He beamed a little more brightly at his alternate—although there was wariness underneath it. He knew full well what this was about; what he didn't know yet was how, exactly, his alternate had taken it, or how bad the consequences were going to be.

"All going well! I can't complain." Walking on cloud nine and head a little foggy, in fact, but he was sure his alternate didn't want to know the details and even more sure he didn't want to share them. "And how about you—doing well, I hope?" With a mischievous glint in his eye, he added, "Recovered from those snake bites, I hope?" No point beating around the bush for *too* long.

usedhearts

The beaming grin was normal for Alastors in general, but considering the reason they were there, seeing his alternate looking at _him_ like that was a bit...strange. Leclerq crossed his legs, and took a sip of the coffee set in front of him as soon as it arrived.

"Yes, recovered. Only took me a day to get back into working order. I suppose Pentell is doing fine now, considering he posted about his successful shed." He took a breath, smile firm as he folded his hands in his lap.

"Why did you interfere? You could've let someone else stop us. Charlie could've taken care of it herself, even, if she hadn't been panicking. Why not talk her down and get her to do it, instead of showing up yourself? And so _quickly_, too. We'd hardly even maimed each other by the time you showed up." Leclerq's eyes narrowed a fraction. "I simply must know why go through all that trouble? Explain it to me."

dontasktheradiodemon

“Glad to hear it!” He didn’t respond directly to the comment about the shed, only offering a vague shrug as if he wouldn’t know. He didn’t even flinch at the revelation that his alternate knew Sir Pentious’s real name... although he was certainly going to ask Telly about it later.

And his alternate had given him room to wiggle around with his answer. How very polite. They’d dance around it a bit. “*If she hadn’t been panicking.*” He scoffed. “That’s quite a big ‘if,’ isn’t it! Sure, I could have wasted three minutes of my time talking her down, and then twiddled my thumbs while waiting to see what she’d do—waste even more time trying to talk down the both of you? Join the fight herself and cause even more property damage? Or, I could resolve the whole thing with no further trouble in a mere fifteen seconds.”

usedhearts

Leclerq leaned in, propping his elbow on the table, chin in his hand. His head tilted at an odd angle and he picked up his coffee and took a drink.

"Yes, that's probably how it would've gone. But why stop it in the first place? Not like either of us can actually kill the other. Surely you weren't worried about _me_. If it had been me, I would've shown up with popcorn and a lawn chair. Fights between demons are free entertainment after all."

He sat back, arms crossing over his chest. "So, I'll ask again. _Why_ did you interfere?"

dontasktheradiodemon

“I have a question for *you* first.” He sat forward, lacing his hands under his chin, fixing his alternate with a keen, genuinely curious look. “It’s relevant, I assure you—but why fight him at all? It can’t be because he’s a challenging opponent—without his tin cans, there’s nothing stopping you from tying him in knots. And I don’t know about *your* policies, but *I* don’t tend to attack the physically weak unless I’m starving and don’t think a total stranger will miss a few pounds of meat—*or,* they’ve done something so outrageously offensive as to earn it. Now, he’s clearly no stranger, so the first explanation doesn’t apply—but for the life of me I can’t imagine *what* he could have done to warrant that kind of response? Or what *you* did to make *him* attack first, if that’s how it happened—but that seems even less likely to me, I can’t see him picking a fight without a dozen lasers at the ready.”

usedhearts

"He _does_ start it sometimes," Leclerq said, immediately. His smile twitched and his eyes narrowed again, before he gave a small huff and looked away.

"I suppose I knew it would come to this eventually, what with the both of us making friends in the same circles." He moved his monocle, taking it off to clean the lens, or so it seemed. "We used to be friends. When I first dropped in, he was an Overlord, and my massacre helped him gain some more ground, inadvertently. I started getting invited to all the big Overlord parties, and I went because I was still new to Hell and all. We met and hit it off, became friends and whatnot. About a decade later, we hardly spoke, and then V[BEEP]x dropped in and started his rise to power. Pentell was already washed up by that point, desperate, so he..."

Leclerq sighed and shook his head, putting his monocle back on, his smile turning wane. "He helped V[BEEP]x secretly convert some of the old radio stations to broadcast tv instead-- I don't know if it's the same for you, but for me, it felt like someone was tearing out pieces of my soul and roasting them with ten thousand volts. I don't know why or what V[BEEP]x promised him, but obviously he never got it, considering his standing hasn't changed since then."

Leclerq shrugged, feigning nonchalance again. "That's why I hate him."

dontasktheradiodemon

Alastor’s eyebrows shot up. “And a fair reason to hate him!” He himself didn’t hold any radio stations—had *never* held any—but just *imagining* stations slaughtered like sacrificial animals on the altar of network television made his heart squeeze in pain.

That long ago, stations had often broadcasted both radio and TV simultaneously. Hell, well into the seventies Alastor had considered a smattering of TV stations under his own protection because they shared a roof with a radio station. For the stations to be converted to broadcast TV in a way that *killed* their potential to broadcast radio—that wasn’t just the new guy in Hell wanting to increase his own power; that was a deliberate effort to decrease the Radio Demon’s. That was far worse than simply trying to get in good with two different overlords and accidentally screwing over one in the process.

“You said you hardly spoke—had you had some falling out...? Not that it’s any sort of mitigating factor, not for an action on *that* scale, but—well, nothing of the sort ever happened *here,* so I’m simply trying to understand the narrative! The treachery is self-evident, but depending on if it was motivated by hot vengeance or cold ambition... well, it certainly changes the *flavor* of the treachery, doesn’t it?”

usedhearts

He hadn't expected sympathy, or understanding, but then again, this was himself. If anyone would understand his pain, it was another version of himself. Leclerq felt himself relax, at least fractionally, and he picked up his cup for another sip of coffee.

"Yes, there was. Around, oh, '45 or so, Pentell was gearing up for a big push to conquer more territory-- he had a whole plan and everything, you know how he is, prepared every meticulous detail. _I_ was one of those details, of course. He was counting on my support when he set things into motion and I....well, I didn't show." He shrugged a bit, taking another sip.

"I'd gotten bored of waiting, I was still relatively new to Hell, and a decade still seemed like a long time-- especially for one such as us, you know how it is, don't you?-- and so I'd picked up some other hobbies, started doing other things. And I just didn't want to help anymore. I was _bored_, I never wanted to conquer Hell! But Pentell had been banking on my power backing him, and when I didn't arrive, well...."

His smile twisted a bit before he sighed. "It all sort of blew up in his face. He lost almost all of his territory and his Overlord title was stripped-- he became a laughing stock overnight. So, I suppose I betrayed him first, but this IS Hell. Who can you trust in Hell, except yourself?" His smile twitched into something wry for a moment as he met his alternate's eyes, then looked away.

dontasktheradiodemon

And his eyebrows twitched higher. He’d gotten *bored*? Bored of Sir Pentious, of all people? How in the world was that possible? How does one get *bored* of having a front-row seat to the greatest drama in Hell since whatever the hell happened in *Paradise Lost*?

Would he himself have left as quickly and carelessly if he’d gotten bored? Even if he couldn’t understand how *that person* in *particular* had bored his alternate—yes, if he *did* get bored of someone, he’d leave like that. Would he himself have stayed long enough to get as enthralled as he did if he’d met Sir Pentious in, what, the ‘30s, rather than in ‘51? He didn’t know. He didn’t think he’d have lost interest, but he didn’t know. Learning to exist in Hell had been a process. Maybe those eighteen years had made a difference.

“Well! If I were him, I’d want to hit you where it hurts too!” He laughed wryly. “And if I were *you*, I’d never forgive him for it, either.”

usedhearts

Leclerq took drained his coffee the rest of the way, holding his cup out for a refill-- which a staff member came over to give him as quickly as demonly possible. He set the new cup on the table, holding it between his hands.

"Yes, so, as you can see neither of us can forgive the other, and now we're expecting to exist near one another more regularly and tempers flare at the slightest provocation, etcetera, etcertera." He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, his smile tight and close lipped.

"I know that many of you are now mutual friends with the both of us, and I've been trying to be on my best behavior when at the Hotel, as we've a truce there, but the old resentments bubble up and we go at it. Generally, it's me blowing up his ship but since we've been seeing one another in person, it's just gotten to basic brawls." A small growl slipped out and he clenched his hand, cracking the cup and spilling hot coffee all over, though he didn't seem to care.

"I should have better control, but with him I just-- I see red--" A snort. "Or more red than usual at least-- and then we're tumbling around like feral animals."

dontasktheradiodemon

Alastor watched without a twitch of his expression as his alternate’s cup cracked. Yes, he certainly could comprehend the anger.

But when he tried to imagine the anger behind that shattering grip turned on Telly—his blood boiled.

“Yes, well. That’s a problem, isn’t it?”

usedhearts

Leclerq grabbed some napkins, wiping off his gloved hand and sitting back, watching the coffee spread across the table. He put some more napkins between him and the coffee puddle-- no use letting it get on him-- and sighed.

"That's the problem, yes." He looked over at him and arched a brow. "And you still haven't answered my question-- why did you intervene?"

dontasktheradiodemon

His smile tightened. “Well, like you said—quite a few people are mutual friends with the both of you now! And while it’s an utter delight to watch *strangers* fight, there’s nothing pleasant about it when it involves friends! Particularly if one friend is at risk of being reduced to bone toothpicks and flesh confetti. And that’s even *more* the case when, from my perspective, the fight simply came out of nowhere! Who knows what will happen in a fight like that?” He shrugged broadly. “Now, typically if a friend’s in a fight, I’m happy to lend a hand—but it’s tricky if I’m on good terms with both combatants. The best thing I can do then is ensure they’re separated.”

usedhearts

Leclerq hummed, the noise droning in his static, his arms crossing again. His finger began to tap against his upper arm, and his foot tapped again-- fidgeting tics that were showing themselves in his alternate's presence.

"I suppose you're right. Fine, I accept that explanation." His cocked his head to the side, his eyes narrowing a fraction. "But I don't know how Pentell and I are going to co-exist when we're at each others' throats. The Hotel's been a test run and we've had at least three fights since he started making repairs and renovations there. Any bright ideas in that big bulb of yours?"

dontasktheradiodemon

*Three fights.* He tilted his head as he thought. “No, not yet.” Maybe he could persuade Telly to stop helping with the hotel upkeep. There were so many more important things he could be spending that time and effort on, anyway. Sure, Alastor was at the hotel, but only because he *wanted* to watch a train wreck happen in action—but there was no reason for Sir Pentious to waste his time tightening the bolts on the locomotive engine when it was chugging toward a fiery crash. “But I’m sure we both agree that this can’t keep happening, don’t we?”

usedhearts

"Yes, I agree. Especially if people are going to get in the middle now-- I can't even think if it was Valera next time, while she's, well..." He motioned with his hands to pantomime a pregnant belly. "I don't want her trying to get between us while we go at it-- we're both vicious in the moment."

His foot tapped a little faster and he huffed. "Perhaps I can just avoid him for now...and I'll try to doubly make sure I have a tight leash on myself if he is around. And perhaps you could talk to him, you two are chummy now, aren't you? We just need to learn to....keep our heads better."

dontasktheradiodemon

Oh right, this alternate had been getting chummy with Valera, hadn’t he? About every alternate but himself was. Just his rotten luck, wasn’t it.

“If you haven’t *already* been trying to avoid him, yes, I recommend it.” He scooted his unfinished coffee over to his alternate. Here, you look anxious, have a little more caffeine and calm down. “No promises, I haven’t the foggiest idea what he’s going to say about *you*—but I’ll see what I can do.”

usedhearts

He took the cup gratefully and downed it, taking a breath after. "Probably something along the lines of--" His own voice cut out and then, in a perfect imitation of Sir Pentious's voice, he said. "HE DESSSERVED IT!"

Leclerq snorted and his own voice was back when he spoke again. "I may have cast the first stone, but teaming up with V[beep]x is just.....scummy."

dontasktheradiodemon

Alastor huffed. “Not to defend the unforgivable—but ol’ blockhead had only just died, hadn’t he? In my neck of the woods, it took until the seventies before he started showing his true colors. Taking down stations, sure, Sir Pentious should have known better—but doing it with *him*? There was no way to know what kinds of things he’d do *before* he started doing them.”

And who knew what promises Vox might have made? No doubt the sort of promises he made to every business and network he added to his growing mega-corporation. Fame, wealth, power, a treasured and valued position in his inner circle.

Alastor thought he was beginning to detect a pattern, here. Pentell, lonely and unappreciated; and then one man after another, charismatic and compelling, telling Pentell how much they adored his brilliant inventions; each of them using him—for sex, for entertainment, for power—before losing interest and casting him aside.

It was only when he heard something crack that he realized he’d started squeezing one of his fists in the other like a stress ball. He stretched his fingers and surreptitiously repaired the damage. But in his head, over and over, all he could hear were the words *how dare—how dare—how dare—*

usedhearts

"Yes, he had, and he's a cunning rat even moreso than that boyfriend of his." Leclerq sneered at the thought of the VVVs, and held the empty coffee cup, just to have something to hold on to. "Though he started being really ruthless once he found Valentino-- that was in the 80s here, I'm not sure when it happened for you. They really bring out the worst in each other, and not in the fun way."

His eyebrows shot up at the sound of the crack, looking down at his alternate's hands. "You alright there?" He asked, a little quieter than before.

dontasktheradiodemon

“About the same time, late seventies or early eighties. I wasn’t paying attention to celebrity gossip at the time. All I know is they’d made it into the toxic end of things by the mid-eighties.”

He held up a hand and wiggled his fingers, all fine. “So sorry, I know, knuckle-cracking, nasty habit to get into. Mother would be scolding me.”

usedhearts

"I only know because I was friends with Madame by that point and Valentino started out as one of her's." He tapped his fingers against the cup, still fidgety despite the caffeine.

"Well, since we hashed that out, is that it? Or did you want to brainstorm ways to get me and Pentell able to coexist in the same space without biting each other's heads off?"

dontasktheradiodemon

And Alastor only knew because he’d witnessed the results of their toxic sides up close and in person. He decided to keep that to himself. As much as he hated Vox, that wasn’t his dirt to dish.

“I’m not sure what there is to brainstorm,” Alastor said wryly. “If you’re in the same space, don’t be; if you have to be, don’t interact. If you haven’t been doing even *that* much before, I’d say that’s a good starting point, don’t you?”

usedhearts

"We have, since we made the truce, at least when inside the Hotel. But the second one of us steps outside, it's on." He leaned back in his seat a bit.

"We never made an official deal for our truce, but I gave my word, and I keep it, to the letter. We never fight inside the Hotel now-- we take it outside. Though the lawn isn't much better. I suppose I can try to keep the truce up outside the Hotel. If I think about it like that, perhaps it'll be easier to keep myself in check..."

dontasktheradiodemon

He fights a grimace. “Well. ‘Do what you’re already doing, except even more so, and hope sheer willpower makes up the difference’ doesn’t exactly sound to me like a winning strategy. Especially when what you’re already doing has resulted in three fights.”

usedhearts

"I'm not sure what other options we have, at least for now. Avoidance and sheer willpower will have to do for the time being." He closed his eyes and took a breath.

"Talk to Pentell, I'm sure he's got insight from his side of things for you. Perhaps there's...something that can be done, to at least make things less hostile between us. You can tell him I'd be open to negotiations-- for the sake of our mutual friends. But for now, I think I need to go-- I need to kill something."

He stood, dusting off his jacket. "Is there anything else, my dear other?"

dontasktheradiodemon

He stood as well. “Yes, one thing—who’s going to pick up the bill?” Studio laughter. “Hah! No, nothing I can think of. Just try not to start any more brawls. I don’t want to make a hobby out of refereeing.”

usedhearts

"That'd be terrible! You'd look horrendous in horizontal stripes!" His own studio kicked in with their laughs, and Leclerq reached a hand to pat his alternate's shoulder.

"Speak again, soon, my dear me! So long!" And with that he faded into the shadows.

dontasktheradiodemon

He offered his other a half-bow in farewell—and then headed for the exit the more conventional way. Seemed like he needed to go have another conversation.

#usedhearts #chat log

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morganas-pendragons · 5 years ago

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Best Carol/Melissa Episodes

So I got bored in Quarantine and I was so moved by Look At The Flowers that I decided to make this list of the best episodes that either feature Carol/Melissa as a lead or she plays a large part in them. I haven’t seen S1-2 since like... 2014 as they’re my least favorite (i know i’m sorry but i did include honorable mentions) but I’m so freaking proud that I couldn’t not make this list. Here we go! Feel free to add to them! ** means they’re my favorite performances of Melissa! I do mention some scenes that are also with Norman/Daryl as he is a LARGE part of who Carol is. If you think it’s ‘’shippy’’ which it might be, don't read it. I worked on this for almost two hours.

season 1

- for real, what woman keeps a grenade on hand? That was it. That was where I started paying attention to her.

- also, the scene where she digs the pickaxe into Ed’s head? I think Daryl and I both fell for her then.

season 2

- the honorable mention!! the barn scene in which carol learns the fate of her daughter. I don’t remember most of s2, but this one I do. I think this might’ve been the first point in the show where I was like, “Hey Google, how to protect someone who isn’t real.’’

season 3

- walk with me: We get to see how Carol has changed during her time on the road after the farm and how much she’s learned. This is also, unfortunately, the last time we see her for a couple episodes until Daryl finds her in the cells below.

- hounded: daryl finds carol. It’s sweet, it’s warm and soft and there’s alot of reunions and alot of mourning over T-Dog and Lori.

season 4

- Carol has become a leader in her own right for this season. She teaches the kids how to defend themselves during the ruse of a story time and takes on Lizzie and Mika as her own after Ryan is bit.

- indifference: After killing Karen and David to stop the spread out a virus, Rick takes it into his own hands to banish Carol. This one hurts too because it’s quite obvious why she did it. She did it to protect herself and the people she loves, but sometimes that’s just not enough.

- the grove: emmy emmy emmy emmy material. Holy crap, I CANNOT stress this enough! This is the make or break episode for Carol as a character. There’s beauty and devastation and anguish all wrapped up into 45 minutes. This should’ve made Melissa well known. This should’ve won her multiple awards, and it didn’t. But we know. We know.

season 5

- sanctuary: this one goes down in history for multiple reasons, and most of us know them. 1.) Caryl reunions galore. Even if you don’t ship it, that moment is so, so sweet. 2.) If it weren’t for Carol, your fave would be dead. That’s literally it.

- consumed: OOF. Really.

- The back half of season 5 after the arrival at Alexandria is hilarious to me. Because these people are so sheltered from the darkness and the cruelty of the outside world that Carol takes on their own persona to blend in with them, to know the naivety of these people and to hide easily among them to get what she needs. This is also how she befriends Sam, who probably reminds her of Sophia which is why she’s so cruel to him.

season 6

- jss**: ‘’Miss Peletier, you are an honest to goodness hero.” No. Freaking. Way. I remember watching this episode and rocking back and forth on my heels in anticipation because up until this point, I think this might’ve been one of the bloodiest moments in the show - and right in the center of it all is Carol - who is now of the mindset that, ‘’hey, we need to kill, we don’t have a choice.’’ and she portrays the internal struggle behind all of this so, so well. The scene with Melissa holding the body on the stairs was what won me over for this episode. It’s very much a merciless 45 minutes.

- no way out: Carol is not a lead in this episode, but Melissa is very heavily influenced between this one and the previous because of her confrontation with Morgan. I remember how angry that made me, having to watch him bodyslam her (a former domestic abuse victim) against the floor. Outside of Carol, this episode is one of my favorites in the show.

- not tomorrow yet/the same boat**: Carol moreso plays a bigger part in the latter as opposed to the former, but these two episodes really showcase two things: Her heart to protect her family (IE: A now pregnant Maggie) and her deteriorating mental state. Outside of The Grove, I think this is one of Melissa’s most powerful performances. it’s also the only female led ep in the show

- east**: I cried the first time I watched this. Carol vs The Saviors, #2. This episode breaks between Morgan and Rick going out to look for her (HENCE ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTES ABOUT CAROL: “That woman, she’s a force of nature.) I don’t think I really understood the power behind the eyes in the midst of television until I saw this episode. I can’t find the gif, but I’m sure most of you who’re reading this know what I’m talking about.

- last day on earth**: again this episode shifts between perspectives as TF is trying to get Maggie to Hilltop for her pregnancy complication, but Melissa is stellar here. Carol doesn’t want to love because if she loves, she has to kill, and she attempts to manipulate one of the survivors from the massacre into doing what she can’t: taking her own life. She just wants to go, and Morgan won’t let her. This one is a bit darker, and the episode as a whole is not my favorite, but it’s definitely up there in my favorite performances for Melissa.

season 7

- the well: if there was ever an episode that would show you that Melissa aces comedy, it was this one. This is meant to be an introductory to The Kingdom, but the hilarity behind the way Carol talks to Ezekiel is so entertaining. It’s kind of hard to believe she ends up marrying the man (we’re not going into shipper discourse here, friends) but this one also shows you something through Carol’s eyes: The differences between people and walkers and her desire not to kill. She wants to hide, and she does.

- new best friends: Daryl lies to Carol about what happened in the clearing with Negan. This one is so so heartfelt. It’s deeply intimate. It showcases two people who’d move heaven and earth to ensure the safety of the other, both physical and mental and emotional. Norman and Melissa aced this. I can’t say it more simply then that.

- bury me here**: I love love love love love this episode. The entire thing is a metaphor, but I love it anyway. If I remember right, this is also the one where Morgan tells Carol about Glenn and Abraham. Remember what I said about the power behind a look? This is another instance in which Melissa shows she is the master of this.

- carol spends alot of the time at the kingdom for the rest of the season and i cannot really remember any more memorable performances for this garbage, as they took my fave and reduced her to a side character for this and most of s8.

season 8

- the only performance i will give any credit to in this season is 8x04, which is Some Guy. I barely remember the rest of it. Minus the moment where she finally saves a kid - Henry - instead of losing one. And a heartbreaking moment between her and Morgan that I also barely remember. Case in point, S8 was and still is garbage.

season 9

- 9x01-9x05 all have Carol in them because whenever Angela Kang took over the show, she had the brilliant idea to actually use her lead women as leads. Season 9 feels like an eternity ago and I can’t remember if she took over before or after AL signed off, but my point remains. Between Carol’s loyalty to Ezekiel because of Henry, (who she has now taken as her son), and their marriage, and her short stint as the leader of the Sanctuary as Negan is in confinement, there’s something in Carol here we haven’t seen in years. It’s something akin to peace, or as close as she’s gonna get to it. 9x03 and 9x04 (particularly the conversation b/t Rick and Carol) are my favorite of this cluster for her.

- I almost dropped off after 9x05. I thought that was it, I thought that was gonna be where I ended. Nope. This woman - AK- took this show and made it what it had been and I’ll never be able to thank her enough for it.

- Who Are You Now: I only remember this one because of the scene where Carol and Henry are in the carriage - side note: I really need to go back and rewatch this season again - but one of the things that caught my attention about the after of the bridge was how the relationships b/t parent and child are approached as significant. They’re not the future. The adults are building for the future of the kids. Michonne/Judith, Ezekiel/Henry and Carol/Henry. It’s sweet. Very sweet.

- Stradivarius: this is a very Caryl heavy episode, but we find out something here: Even with being married to Ezekiel, Carol has still gone out to see Daryl where he resides by the same river that took Rick. Henry sees the relationship between him and his mother. It’s as obvious as the nose on your face. This one is just adorable. I love it.

- The Calm Before**: Ow. OW OW OW OW OW. You want more pain? Here you go! Carol faces the dark truth as she crests the hill that holds her worst nightmare: Henry has died. She’s lost another kid. You wanna restrain yourself from breaking through the TV to comfort Carol for the umpteenth time as she breaks? Cool. That’s what you get here.

- The Storm**: Split apart by the death of Henry, Carol and Ezekiel no longer remain married. She gives up that fairytale - one of the happiest she’d ever had - and begins wallowing in her suffering over the loss of her son. Heartbreak and grief do not come easily to her. They never have. Can you imagine being suffocated by things you’ve never talked about? Can you imagine having to live every day with your grief? Well, look here... that’s exactly what Carol does, and you want to know who her guiding force is?

It’s Daryl.

season 10

- I remember when Season 10 aired, I watched the first episode in Kenya and loved it. I’d heard something about how PTSD was a BIG factor in the progression of the story throughout this season, and as someone who wants to go into mental health counseling, I was so intrigued by this that every single episode kept my eyes glued to the TV. Carol is the lead female now besides Michonne, but I’m gonna tell you every single favorite episode of mine anyway.

- Ghosts: Carol makes a mistake and fires at Alpha when they meet her at the border. She wears a mask that’s so composed it’s almost hard to see the heartbreak beneath it, and that’s the point. She’s not considering her life. She’s considering vengeance for the life that was taken. This is a constant circle for her. Alot of people are tired of this arc and I get it, I do. But the difference between this one and the three seasons previous is that we’re meant to get to a resolution now. This episode broke my heart. Especially the last scene in the gym.

- Bonds: Another Caryl heavy episode. I love this one. It’s very lighthearted compared to the rest of the season.

- Open Your Eyes**: This one is utterly terrifying and eerily reminiscent of the one in S2 where Daryl interrogates Randall. Carol, having just brought back a Whisperer from her escapade with Daryl, interrogates him to find out the location of Alpha’s horde without any real consideration for the people around her. She also uses Lydia for her own personal gain, and I’m not gonna lie - Even though this one is one of my favorites because of Avi Nash (WHO WAS SUCH A GOOD ADDITION TO THE SHOW I LOVED HIM AS SIDDIQ) This episode made me so angry because of Carol’s motives.

- The World Before**: And when I said I was angry, this episode turned it all into heartbreak. This one remains one of my favorite of the show and of Carol for one very specific reason: The scene in the woods between her and Daryl.

As someone who has never done grieving well, this scene hit me so. hard. She’s so set on this path of vengeance and blood that she’s neglecting a very real truth that she has never done well: talking about her burdens, talking about the pain and if she does that, if she acknowledges it, then she will hurt.

- Squeeze: I don’t have to talk about this. I just have to show you.

Ow. Please, please let her heal. I’m so tired of seeing her hurt.

- 10x11 and 10x12 don’t really have Carol, and neither does 10x13, but she’s there. We see her a couple of times, we have a conversation or two. Let me get to the penultimate moment. One we’ve waited for years to see and which next week will give us the rest of.

- LOOK AT THE FLOWERS*****: You can be a Carol fan for five minutes or five years and still somehow managed to love her MORE after watching this one. There’s a couple reasons why this one is probably in my top 3 for both Melissa and Carol as a whole.

1. I have waited years to see Negan meet Carol. JDM has made it very clear how he feels about MMB and I knew, I knew, that once this interaction happened I would not be disappointed. I should’ve realized she was the one who let Negan out, but I didn’t. That entire first scene is gold.

2. This entire episode is just.. art. The fact that Carol’s darker side takes the form of the being of her hatred - Alpha - is fitting, and it’s also the first time we’ve really gotten an actual dialogue about multiple things that have formed her character for the last several seasons: The Grove, the loss of Sophia, Ed... It’s heartbreaking to see because she keeps telling herself pushing people away is better, it’s better to be alone because there’s no one to burden, and the darker side of her asks a very simple question: What do you want?

Her answer is clear, at least to her. I want to be alone. But the fact that the darker part of her, the one that keeps calling out on Connie, doesn’t agree. No. There’s something deeper. Something she’s too afraid to acknowledge.

3. That whole final scene. Wow. I’ve watched it like four times because Samantha Morton is just so good as Alpha, as Carol’s dark counterpart, trying to mock and taunt her into doing the one thing she never was able to do herself: Dying. This episode is dark because of this realization. “Look at the flowers’’ is akin to ‘’It’ll all be over soon.” but instead of choosing death, instead of choosing the one thing that would let it be over, she chooses life. She essentially chooses to fight for herself which she has not done in YEARS. The minute she acknowledges that it’s never too late (FOR WHAT?? HM??) the demons disappear. I think that this point into 10x15 will give us two things that every Carol fan is desperate for: Healing for Carol (FINALLY!), and a resolution to this endless arc of suffering.

Also... Why do we think that Daryl is the one who ends up welcoming her home? Why is he the one who opens the gate?

Long story short: I love this character. I love Melissa McBride as she is one of the most down-to-earth, humble and compassionate actresses in Hollywood. It’s a shame she’s not gonna be recognized by The Academy because if ever there was an actor/actress on this show to win, it’d be her.

#Carol Peletier #Melissa McBride #The Walking Dead #TWD #twd spoilers #messing up my own tagging system just to prove my point

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mdwatchestv · 7 years ago

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Love Em or Leave Em - My Favorite Shows of 2017 (And the ones I ditched along the way)

If there is one kind of list I love it is a year end best list. That way I can easily see everything I utterly failed to watch and consume in the past year, as well as feel the intoxicating rush of vindication at the shows I correctly identified as being ‘best of’ and actually watched. Anyway the point is you can go anywhere for an objective “ten best” list written by “paid writers” who “write professionally”. Instead what I have to offer you is two-fold, both my favorite shows of the year (and yes there is some ten best crossover) and all the shows I gave-up on, set aside, or completely emotionally abandoned. So without further ado, and without any particular order, and with the understanding that I’m writing this before Black Mirror premieres, love Black Mirror so much, here are my ten favorite shows of 2017 (ugh you guys I can’t wait for Black Mirror):

ORPHAN BLACK The Final Season aka Season 5 (BBC America)

Orphan Black might not have always been the most consistent show, it boasted a complex science fiction plot that often veered into the unintelligible (I’m still not completely sure about a lot of what happened) and had more than a few missteps (boy clones was a bad call, it just was). BUT what Orphan Black also had is perhaps one of the best acting performances, in any medium, ever. Tatiana Maslany’s turn as no less than twelve distinct characters was masterful, magical, completely transporting acting. Watching her every week was surprising, glorious, and will be heart-breaking to give up. Its a performance every actor should attempt to greedily dissect and replicate. We will quite simply never see its like again.

MINDHUNTER Season 1 (Netflix)

True crime, check. Jonathan Groff, check. Moody period drama, check. Austere David Fincher mis-en-scene, check. Surprisingly feminist leaning commentary on the destructiveness of male toxicity, check. Shiny period cars, check. Fantastic turns from character actors, some of which new to me, check, check. All my dreams for a television show, check.

LEGION Season 1 (FX)

What can I say about Legion that I did not already say in a one thousand word blog post written breathlessly after the first episode? In a land of sub-par superhero content Legion stands alone as a pillar of aesthetic beauty, sweeping narrative vision, and general weirdness. This was also without question my favorite sequence on TV this year.

THE GOOD PLACE Season 2 (NBC)

If you are not watching The Good Place, you have made some kind of unfortunate mistake in your life. Season 1 of this comedy ended with a shocking twist that essentially changed everything we knew about the show. That seems like a daunting place to build from for a season 2, but the second outing of this philosophy-driven single cam just keeps getting better and better. There has never been a show that has been able to provide a thoughtful dissection of the trolley problem as well as a dozen solid clam chowder puns. Also, Jason.

SEARCH PARTY Season 2 (TBS)

Search Party is Nancy Drew for the Millennial in constant existential free fall. Search Party sees your anxiety, your social media addiction, your desperate desire for, and paralyzing fear of, adventure. Search Party makes you laugh until you cry and then keep crying because even though life is inconsequential, you are still fucking it up somehow. Also, John Early.

DIFFICULT PEOPLE Season 3 (Hulu)

If Search Party made me feel seen, then Difficult People made me feel SEEN. I mean it’s literally about a red-head who recaps television, hates almost everyone, and makes her boyfriend bring her snacks on the couch. Difficult People blasted a hundred smart jokes a second right into your face, and had been calling out (now exposed) serial abusers and shit heads for years. Also by far my favorite casting scenes on television (why do they always making casting directors so mean in movies?). It’s cancellation caused me physical pain so deep I had to work through it in therapy.

BROADCHURCH Season 3 (BBC, but also very accessibly on Netflix)

If you have never seen Broadchurch do not jump in at season three, go back to season one and do it properly (although be warned the series deals with pretty intense themes like child murder and rape). A really good show can deliver a powerful storyline with emotionally driven twists and a satisfying conclusion. But only a great show can deliver that caliber of storytelling three seasons in a row. Broadchurch is dark, compelling, moving, funny, and emotionally devastating. It’s led by the always wonderful David Tennant and Olivia Coleman who may be the greatest actress in the world. If you are one of those people who is like “Oh well I watched Gracepoint (the American bastardization of this show), is this really that much better?” Yes, yes it is.

THE CROWN Season 2 (Netflix)

Speaking of the glory of Olivia Coleman, she will be taking over Queen duties from the luminous Claire Foy in season 3 of The Crown! Probably the best casting news I heard all year because I couldn’t imagine another actress who could deliver the caliber of performance Claire has turned in for the past two seasons. This season Queen is more secure in her role, but she still has to deal with the greatest threat to all women in power: men’s bullshit. When I am not marveling at the lusciousness of the images on screen, I am yelling, “DRAG HIM” at it. Also feel like no one is talking about how amazing Vanessa Kirby is this season, so this is me talking about it.

AMERICAN GODS (Starz)

American Gods was like nothing else on TV this year, and after the shocking announcement that show creators Bryan Fuller and Michael Green would be leaving the project, there will probably never be anything like it again. Sure the first season had it’s ups and downs, but when it hit the mark it was a bullseye. Bryan Fuller has never been afraid to get weird, bless his boots, and American Gods got WEIRD, resplendently so. One of the rare instances where an expanded adaptation of a literary worked actually improved on the source material, American Gods felt like Odin’s lightening in a bottle. Beyond a stellar cast, the series also had two of my favorite characters of the year in Bilquis and Laura Moon. I recapped the entire season on this very blog and you can read it all here.

ALIAS GRACE (Netflix)

Alias Grace was the less publicized of the Margaret Atwood adaptations this year, but in my opinion, the better one. While Handmaid’s Tale was filled with soaring moments and a tour-de-force performance by Elisabeth Moss, it often achieved its high drama at the cost of trampling the subtler moments of the novel. Alias Grace on the other hand perfectly captured the creeping unease of Atwood’s work, slowly submerging you in the insidiousness and uncertainty of the patriarchy until you realize you are drowning, have been drowning, the whole time. Super relatable right? While Handmaid’s Tale was bold and triumphant, Alias Grace was delicate and haunting. Only six episodes guys, make the commitment.

RIVERDALE Season One (The CW)

When I first heard The CW was making a sexy teen version of the Archie comics my first thought was “Who on Earth wants to watch THAT?” Turns out the answer is me, more than anything. Was Riverdale the BEST show this year? No. But it was without question one of the most enjoyable. As a watcher of prestige TV there is a lot of serious subjects ™ to deal with. I mean almost every show on this list, including this one, deals with death and murder. Even the comedies are built around philosophic crisis for goodness sake. Sometimes you just need 45 minutes of sexy (really really sexy) teens solving mysteries and cracking pop culture quips. Let KJ Apa’s orange hair and rock hard abs lift you up out of the gutter of 2017.

Honorable Mentions:

Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu)

Fargo Season 3 (FX)

Humans Season 2 (AMC/Channel 4)

Brooklyn 99 (Fox)

The Magicians Season 2 (SyFy)

And while there was a lot to love this year, there were also shows that I consciously uncoupled from, in one auspicious case, whilst in the middle of blogging it.

Shows I gave up on:

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency Season 2 (BBC America)

I loved season one of this show, to the point where I would still recommend it as a standalone viewing experience. I recapped season one as one of my first endeavors of this blog, and attempted to do the same for season two. Perhaps you noticed that I just completely abandoned my posts. Season one was a fantastic whirlwind adventure, a bright zany distraction that was as clever as it was captivating. But sadly the second season couldn’t deliver on, and perhaps didn’t realize, what made the first season so great. During episode six of season two I finally realized that the spark was gone. Literally as I sat down to work on this today I saw that Dirk Gently had been cancelled, so consider this opinion rubber-stamped.

The Walking Dead Season 8 (AMC)

When the Walking Dead premiered eight long years ago I couldn’t believe it. A zombie SHOW! Zombies EVERY WEEK. I loved The Walking Dead, it delivered some of the finest undead content ever partaken by the living. But this season when Negan walked out of his warehouse, unarmed, in front of 100 machine gun wielding Rick soldiers and the first word out of his mouth was “cock” (or equivalent, I had blacked out) I knew simply, without regret or reservation, that I was ready to lay this show to rest. I only wish I could have held on for Carl’s death but such is life (or…ya know).

Twin Peaks: The Return (Showtime)

I just couldn’t.

American Horror Story: Cult (FX)

This was a hot mess. Will I be back for the first three episodes of next season? You betcha.

Better Things (FX)

This one was fraught for me, and I have not laid it to rest forever. Better Things is an absolutely brilliant show, and this season was an even better thing than season one. But interacting with vulnerable art is itself a vulnerable experience, and the brilliance of this show is its ability to access raw emotion and intimacy. As much as I’d like to, I can’t go where this show wants to take me. Maybe next year.

And that’s a wrap on 2017! We had a lot of good TV, and we still have new Black Mirror and a lady Doctor Who to look forward to. Thank you everyone who read this blog this year, I treasure you. As always if you want to argue with me, or pet my hair and tell me everything will be okay, I am on twitter @marthadee.

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its-love-u-asshole · 7 years ago

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Run and Hide [fic]

Pairing: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei

Summary: Kei was never one to turn down a good scary movie. In fact, he and Kuroo loved them, both proudly proclaimed horror junkies and all. However, maybe they'd bitten off more than they could chew with this one...

Rating: T (mild suggestiveness, some cursing)

Warnings: none

Note: This was my big excuse to write fluff honestly, that’s what this is, useless fluff lmao. Oh, and also kurotsuki acting like huge scared losers. So there’s that. This fic is for @icecreamwithsprinkles bc we traded a lot of headcanons about this that really inspired me <3

AO3

“Are you sure you won’t need me to cuddle you?”

Kei chucked a pillow right at his boyfriend’s face, hardly needing to aim. He could pinpoint the other’s smug tone anytime, any day.

Kuroo dodged it with practiced ease, springing forward to wrap his arms around Kei’s waist in what he thought must’ve been a surprise attack. Although, some of the coolness (if there was any to begin with) was taken away when Kei noted Kuroo’s Chihuahua patterned pajama pants. The things never failed to make Kei die of laughter, they were so damn ridiculous, but the fact Kuroo owned them hadn’t been surprising in the slightest.

Kei snorted as his boyfriend nuzzled his neck from behind, a hold Kei was quite familiar with after years of dating. As comforting as the embrace was, Kei wasn’t going to give into it so easily, crossing his arms as Kuroo started peppering kisses on any exposed skin he could get to.

It took a considerable amount of effort to keep his breathing under control, given Kuroo’s knowledge of all the spots which made Kei melt in his arms. Despite Kuroo’s dumb pants, his arms and torso looked especially delicious in the tank top he was wearing as well, though Kei would never admit it aloud. It probably was also unwise for Kei to have thrown on Kuroo’s college sweatshirt after his shower, since now the comforting scent was working against him. Plus, it tended to ignite a spark of possessiveness in Kuroo from time to time…and maybe in Kei as well.

Kuroo knew it too, the bastard. Kei could feel the smirk on the other’s face as he mouthed at Kei’s exposed shoulder. Kei hummed at the sensation, tilting his neck to allow for better access. Sue him, it felt good, and he’d get back at Kuroo later.

“Mm, much better,” Kuroo whispered against Kei, lapping and nipping occasionally at the blond’s soft skin. Kei rolled his eyes, turning and grabbing Kuroo’s chin in order to bring him up into a kiss. In the years since high school, Tsukishima had gained a few more centimeters on Kuroo, and he never hesitated to use it to dominate their kisses when it suited him.

Kuroo hummed against his lips, pushing back with equal force to meet the challenge. Oh no, nuh-uh. Kei chuckled as he pulled away, separating them right as Kuroo planned to deepen the kiss.

“Okay, okay, slow down. You’re the one who said you wanted to watch this movie tonight.” Kei laughed at Kuroo’s pout, moving away to grab the DVD case in question.

It was a Friday night, so really, he could afford to mess around if he wanted to. But the whole reason Kuroo was teasing in the first place was because they planned to watch the newest horror movie. Kuroo had somehow managed to get a hold of it in good quality, though it wasn’t actually out yet, and Kei wouldn’t deny he was excited.

“I do, it’s supposed to be the scariest movie of the year,” Kuroo said, walking over to the couch to make sure all their blankets and pillows were in order (they both got cold easily, go figure). Kuroo had done the honor of setting up their snacks on the coffee table as well, and Kei had been eyeing the box of cupcakes for the past half hour. “Perfect for cuddling.”

Kei shot him a flat look, but agreed sharing body heat was one of his favorite things about their movie nights. Not to mention he and Kuroo loved anything related to the horror genre.

He and Kuroo frequently checked out horror movies on Netflix and in theaters, no matter how bad the ratings were. If anything, they would get a good laugh out of the truly terrible ones. Once a month, the theater on campus showed midnight horror movie marathons, with changing themes each time. It had become one of their usual date places, and it had yet to get old.

So of course, when Kuroo had walked home with the new film in hand, promising genuine scares, how could Kei say no?

“What makes this so scary anyways?” Kei asked as he waltzed over to the couch, handing the movie to Kuroo to put into their player. “I couldn’t find ratings anywhere.”

Kuroo smirked devilishly as he pushed the DVD into their player, collecting the remotes as he made his way back to the couch. The look meant no good to most, but to Kei it made things rather promising.

“Well, it’s of course banned in multiple countries,” Kuroo said, waving his hands as he plopped onto the couch.

Ah, you don’t say?

“Wow,” Kei drawled, moving into his usual spot between Kuroo’s legs before he sat back against Kuroo’s chest. “We’ve never watched one of those before.”

They both laughed, because for seasoned horror pros like them, they most certainly had. It felt like more and more movies were banned nowadays, and it meant nothing when it came to measuring the scariness of a film. They’d seen hundreds of ‘banned’ films which ended up being pathetic, but maybe they were just picky.

“I know right?” Kuroo continued, opening the movie’s main menu on the television. The design was minimalistic, accompanied with the usual eerie music. Already pretty mediocre in Kei’s opinion, but he’d reserve his judgement for the film’s actual content.

“Really though,” Kuroo said, pressing the play button before wrapping his arms around the blond and adjusting himself accordingly. “I heard it was hardcore, some online forums swear by it.”

“Hm,” Kei hummed skeptically. “We’ll see.”

The blond never trusted people when it came to horror movies and games alike. People were too easily spooked or grossed out. In all honestly, he and Kuroo hadn’t felt genuinely scared by a movie in a long time, and he wasn’t expecting this one to break the mold. It would take a lot for a movie to be included in their top horror films. Those were movies which had stolen sleep from them, had made them flinch at any noise in the darkness of the night. It was an impressive thing to do, given how dedicated they were as horror junkies. They’d seen some shit, and he wasn’t expecting this to offer anything truly frightening.

Oh well, hopefully it’ll be entertaining.

Kei reached up to nibble playfully on Kuroo’s earlobe as the movie’s logos passed on the screen, smirking along with his words. “At least if it sucks, we have other things to do…”

As stated before, it was Friday. They could afford to mess around, a lot.

Kuroo hummed, kissing Kei on the cheek in his usual sappy way, damn him. “And they say I’m the perv. Just don’t get too scared babe.”

Kei clicked his tongue, turning to see a creepy looking forest begin to fade in on screen. He dropped his voice to a whisper, reaching for the snacks they’d set out beforehand. “Of course, someone will need to protect you if you get scared.”

Kuroo gave one last laugh, eyes trained on the television. “Sure babe, sure.”

As the setting began to slowly lay itself out on screen, Kei couldn’t help but giggle to himself. This already looked terribly stereotypical and boring. Seriously, a house in a haunted forest? The music was hardly exceptional either.

It looked like this one would be another flop on a long list of rejects.

Whatever, at least it’ll be funny…

-Approximately 45 ½ Minutes Later-

It was not funny.

It was not even remotely funny.

Kei hid his face further into his pillow, letting his eyes peek out to watch the television. He could feel Kuroo’s hands gripping his sides tightly, his whole body tense and wound up like a spring.

Kei watched unblinking as the actor on screen walked through the deathly silent home, knowing any second could be their last. So far, the movie hadn’t relied on traditional jump scares, having the murderers who had invaded the home walk quietly and casually throughout the house in the blind spots of the protagonists. They’d pass quickly in the background, be shown at the top of the stairs, hiding behind curtains, anywhere. It was nerve wracking in the most eerie of ways, and it was so much worse given the film had no soundtrack or instrumentals to signal any attack or sudden event. There was only…dialogue, and footsteps. No music, no warning. It was as if the whole movie was one single tense moment before a scare, and he had no idea how to prepare himself other than to be tense and shield his eyes the whole time.

He felt Kuroo breathing heavily behind him, his boyfriend’s face pressed against Kei’s shoulder, and really, the blond could hardly make fun of him. Not anymore. His heart was racing all the same, and they’d both stopped poking fun at each other after the first death in the movie. It hadn’t been that gory either, just…disturbing. That was the other thing, the characters were more complex and likeable than in a typical horror movie, with interesting dynamics and relationships, only making their ends more upsetting and terrifying.

When the movie had first started, and there’d been a few fake scares, he and Kuroo had teased and laughed as usual. But the fun had ended real quickly.

There as a sudden creak on screen, and the movie seemed almost frozen on a shot of the living room. He and Kuroo held their breath, and for a moment, Kei thought the movie genuinely had stopped for some reason.

And then he noticed. In the frame, to the side, were the two intruders. Apparently, it was all he and Kuroo needed to find their voices, and to drop any remaining dignity.

“NO! Get out of the house now! Fucking go you stupid son of a bitch!”

For one thing, Kuroo seldom cussed, so Kei knew he was damn scared. Kei couldn’t blame him, Kei was two seconds away from throwing his pillow right at the screen, but then he’d be defenseless…

So no.

Kuroo screamed at the television more as the last surviving character walked downstairs, right into the danger zone, his hands shaking Kei furiously out of terror. “Oh my god I can’t watch,” Kuroo said, even as his eyes were glued to the scene playing out.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck…

Kei pulled his legs up to his chest, scooting as far back away from the television and into Kuroo’s arms as he could. It was humiliating, it wasn’t like something was going to jump out from the movie itself, but in that moment it felt real, and suddenly everything in their apartment was freaking him out. Why the hell had they turned off all the lights? Did they lock the door? How did they know someone wasn’t there right then?

There was another creak in the movie which sounded way too real, and as the character made eye contact with one of the murderers, the spell of silence was broken. Kuroo buried his face in Kei’s neck as the chase started, and the sudden loudness of frantic footsteps accompanied by the character’s screaming was way too much stimulation after the tense quiet.

“She’s gonna die, she’s gonna die—”

“Tetsu shut up,” Kei said in a voice way too high pitched to be his own, and fuck it, he threw his pillow.

The character finally reached an exit, a side door of the house which Kei had completely forgotten about. No wonder the opening credits had been a tour of the house, I should’ve paid more attention…

It was so unlike him, but he’d been so ready to be disappointed he hadn’t cared to look for details.

“Yes! Yes, fucking go!” Kuroo yelled as the actor messed with the latch on the door. A latch which had frozen over from the snow. “What the fuck.”

It was futile. There was no getting the door open, and the actor slumped to the ground, defeated as the killers encroached on them. The stupid silence was back too. There were no cheesy last words or taunting from the intruders, only the screams of the victim as they were surrounded.

I can’t watch, hell no.

But he didn’t have to. The movie cut to black right after, and Kei was so close to screaming into the emptiness of their apartment. What the hell? How could they end it like that?

Probably so we could scare ourselves shitless imagining it. Well played.

Well played indeed, since Kei would no doubt do just that.

Damn.

After an unnaturally long stretch of silence, a small paragraph of text appeared on screen against the black frame. Apparently, the film was based off a real crime which had happened. All seven people in the house had been killed, and the perpetrators were never found. It had happened less than a decade ago.

Fuck. No.

As the credits began to roll after the ominous message faded, Kei didn’t know where to start. He wanted to comment on how unfair and sudden the ending was, or talk about the text, or look up the actual crime to know more. But instead, he only felt frozen, sitting in Kuroo’s arms in their now silent apartment.

His mouth hung open slightly, his cautious eyes drifting throughout the darkness of the apartment. He had no idea what to do, he hadn’t felt so high-strung in a long time, the fear slowly consuming him. All he wanted to do was stay pressed against his boyfriend, but that would offer neither of them any protection from the threats his mind was conjuring up.

Kuroo’s arms gave him one last squeeze before one was reaching for the remote, ready to turn off the television, an act which would leave them in total blackness. Neither of them dared to speak.

Of course, rectifying the situation was as easy as strolling to the far wall and turning on the light, but they weren’t thinking rationally. Plus at that point, Kei doubted the illusion could be shattered so easily. They’d just watched a whole movie about intruders hiding in plain sight, like hell would the light help them. The blond looked down at Kuroo as sweat began to form on the back of his neck, and he was aware of how exposed he was in his shorts and flimsy sweatshirt. Kuroo’s scent and warmth provided some comfort, but the anxiety in the air kept rising. They locked eyes as Kuroo’s finger hovered over the power button, forming a silent pact in a matter of seconds.

Kei nodded once, hesitantly, untangling himself from his boyfriend in strained movements. He already missed the warmth, but it wouldn’t be for long. If he made it.

Oh my god, shut up. You’re being stupid, it’s fine…everything’s fine. There’s no one else here.

It was a rational, correct statement, as far as he knew. But right then, nothing in his head was convincing. Kei swallowed, his muscles ready to go as Kuroo bit his lip in thought.

Then Kuroo nodded in return, way too solemnly for his usual fun loving, easy nature. This was it, Kei thought, nothing to fear. But right as Kuroo pressed down on the power button, there was a creak from somewhere in the building, and all confidence jumped straight out the window.

They jumped up from the couch so fast Kei was sure he had sprained a muscle, but he didn’t care. He ran blindly to their bedroom door, flipping on the light as soon as he crossed the threshold. Kuroo was right on his heels (and Kei was pretty sure he had tripped at some point), rushing into the room and slamming the door right after. He locked it for good measure as he leaned against it, breathing way too labored for an athlete such as himself.

The slam seemed to echo forever in the quiet of their apartment, joined by their heavy breaths as they slowly inched away from the door, crawling into bed and into each other’s arms wordlessly. Every creak and footstep was an unpleasant reminder, and Kei gratefully scurried under the sheets. Kuroo’s eyes hadn’t left the door, and he was mildly shaking. Too bad Kei didn’t have it in him to mock his boyfriend, that’s how he knew the movie was horrifying.

The only good thing about it was he could totally recommend it to Hinata and Kageyama, ensuring they scared themselves to death too. If Kei suffered, everyone he knew deserved to as well.

The joy of the plot was dulled by the tightness in his shoulders, and Kei looked at his open closet in worry, slightly relieved to find it empty. Kei resisted the urge to pull the blankets over their heads, like he’d done as a child. Maybe that was going too far…

God, he was ruined. If anyone found out about this he was screwed. Luckily, Kuroo was the only person who knew, and he’d be sacrificing his own pride if he ever told anyone the story. They were stuck in this hell together. Kei was glad they’d been dating for two years and were fully committed to each other at this point. If Kuroo had been a new boyfriend, Kei wouldn’t have felt the slightest bit of remorse in leaving him behind in the living room to save himself.

Lucky for Kuroo, Kei was in love with him, and cared about protecting him from fictional threats. Yippee.

But the movie was based on a true story.

Kei buried his head in his pillow as he finally sank down into the covers, stiff as a board. Shut up brain.

Kuroo moved to lie down as well, still not taking his eyes off the door as he pulled Kei closer to his chest. At least the other’s rapid heartbeat was enough to distract Kei from the occasional creak or noise.

Kei was never used to uncomfortable silences. He enjoyed spending time alone, taking in the peaceful quiet and letting his batteries recharge after prolonged social interaction. But that silence was something he liked and chose. Even with Kuroo, Kei felt he could sit by him without uttering a word and be completely content. They’d always gotten along that way.

But this. This was pure torture. The last time they’d both been successfully scared by a new movie, they’d just started dating. In short, it had been a while, over two years, and Kei had walked home afterwards, free to act scared in solitude. It was almost some fucked up milestone, experiencing this together.

Kei had forgotten what it felt like to be so on edge, how arrogant of him to not see this coming.

He hardly knew what to say, if he should comment on the film at all, or if the mere mention of it was cursed or something. Should he laugh it off? Ask Kuroo if he was alright?

Neither felt like the correct response. They certainly weren’t acting alright, and no shit they were terrified. Kei clutched the sheets tighter, finally absorbing how silly it all was. Out of nowhere, he felt part of the fear inside him dissipate, making room for a warm feeling in his chest. He felt lighter, tingly almost, a happiness he had come to associate with Kuroo. It became clear from the feeling alone, how grateful Kei was about this whole annoying situation.

They were afraid. Since when did Kei let himself act afraid? The answer was never, he would rather die. It was how it was in high school too, his pride was too important. But this was Kuroo, who he loved and trusted. It was the single dumbest realization Kei had ever had.

He didn’t care if Kuroo knew he was scared, if he saw Kei hide under the covers or heard his pleas to keep the lights on. Kei could be as childish as he wanted, and Kuroo wouldn’t care, wouldn’t judge or think less of him. Sure, teasing was never off limits in these situations, but they both felt comfortable enough to express themselves regardless.

Of course, this had always been obvious, it was how their relationship worked. Kei had simply never felt it so strongly in a situation like this, had never experienced it in such a simple form.

A fucking horror movie on a Friday night. Wow.

Slowly, Kei began to snicker into the pillow, unable to fight a grin when he realized he was purposefully trying to keep quiet in case they had serial killers in the house.

Pft.

Kuroo tensed beside him, his confused gaze finally landing on his giggling boyfriend.

“Uh…Kei?” Kuroo sounded almost paranoid, like Kei had lost it and their life was magically gonna warp into a sanitarium thriller. It made Kei laugh harder, and if their apartment was truly under siege, at least he’d die happy.

“Kei…baby, seriously. What is it?”

Hell, Kuroo sounded so damn scared. It was awesome.

Fine, guess I’ll cut you a break.

Kei managed to repress his giggles enough to sit up and bump his forehead against Kuroo’s, a tactic he knew was a surefire way to make his boyfriend’s heart race. Kuroo was weak to how cute it apparently was, and Kei had shed a lot of shame in two years’ time.

Kei stared into his boyfriend’s eyes, having never gotten over their stunning color and the softness in them.

“Nothing,” Kei whispered, his face flushing slightly. “You’re lame, but I…love you.”

Kuroo’s eyes widened, and Kei laughed again as their lips met softly. That was another great thing about Kuroo, out of infinite examples. He was a great kisser.

“Mm, I love you too,” Kuroo said, breaking the kiss and reaching up to hold Kei’s face in his hands. “Where did that come from though? Are you just saying that in case we die?”

Kei snorted, nuzzling his face into his boyfriend’s neck. Moments like this almost made him forget about any impending doom. “Yeah, that’s exactly it.”

Kuroo laughed, somewhat subdued and tired, but it was one of Kei’s favorite sounds all the same. Kei pulled him into another kiss at the thought, and Kuroo, of course, couldn’t refuse.

Yes, moments like this were definitely fine with Kei, lingering fear or not.

There was another loud creak which echoed through the building, and the illusion of safety was quickly shattered. Both he and Kuroo’s eyes locked on each other’s, bodies tense and frozen once more.

Maybe ‘lingering fear’ hadn’t been the most accurate description…

They were silent for about a minute more before Kuroo could no longer take it, and his voice was so worried it would’ve been comical in any other scenario. “I…I feel way too exposed like this.”

“Same,” Kei replied instantly, already grabbing all the blankets he could. Well, thankfully they knew each other well enough to skip over all the ‘let’s be reasonable’ bullshit and fucking acted on their stupid fears.

Kuroo paused in his move to get off the bed, casting a contemplative glance at the mass of pillows on it. Their eyes met again, the same thought crossing their minds.

“…Pillow fort?” Kuroo asked anxiously, and another creak in the apartment answered. It was all Kei needed as motivation.

“Pillow fort.”

At the end of the day, it looked like they’d both ended up needing cuddles. Kuroo was right all along. But whatever, Kei didn’t mind. Regardless of how much sleep he lost, or how afraid he was to go get water from the kitchen, nothing beat sitting in a pillow fort with Kuroo listening to Disney songs until they passed out.

Everything worked out.

Kei doubted they’d find another movie as scary as the one that night, at least not for a while. However, Kei wouldn’t mind this becoming a tradition.

One thing was for sure though, and the thought crossed his mind as Kuroo snuggled closer to him. That movie was definitely going on their list of top horror films.

Guaranteed.

#kurotsuki #kurotsukki #haikyuuwriters #adri writing #ficsforvera

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moodyblueangel · 8 years ago

Text

Broadchurch - Season 3

I’m working abut 60 hours less this week than I usually do, so that's given me the opportunity to finally splurge out all the Broadchuch questions I have for the finale on Monday.

I loved the first season. I loved the second season too and will never understand the criticism for it. I'm distraught that this is the last season and still don't understand why that's the case.

So with that in mind, I've nailed it down to seven questions that the show needs to answer in one 45 minute final episode. Yikes...

1) Who Did It?

Perhaps the most important question of the season. We've been there with Trish since she reported her attack and the show has delicately, sensitively and honestly dealt with the procedural and emotional repercussions of that brave act. At a time when we are littered with the negative ways that women who have been survivors of sexual crime are perceived and treated by the law, by the media and by society, it has been refreshing to have something high profile, such as a successful drama show, combat this issue head on.

It may feel that the town of Broadchurch and it's surrounding areas is a little over the top in having so many men be in the frame and considered potentially capable of doing such a heinous crime. However, each is very different in the way they are culpable. Some are multiple adulterers and treat their spouses and the women they sleep with as possessions that can be used and thrown away at choice. Some are seemingly nice guys, but feel that they can obsess over women, stalk them, photograph them without their consent. Some think it's okay to view women as sexualized objects as long as it's through a screen. Others just simply doubt a woman who has been viciously attacked. This isn't Broadchurch being over the top, it's just simply portraying the ubiquitous misogyny that we have to deal with every day. Only one (or maybe two!) of those men are guilty of the crime, but that doesn't mean they aren't all guilty.

By about episode 6 of series one I was absolutely sure I knew who the murderer was and I turned out to be right. This season I do not have a clue. I have no main suspect. The list of suspects actually increased the further the series has gone on rather than decreased. Now, I love me some Hardy and Miller, but on this investigation they've gained victims and suspects! However, they are both super cute, so I'll forgive *pats silly detectives on the head*.

So the main suspects are; Ian the creepy ex husband, Jim the philandering husband, Lucas the weird trinket collecting cab driver, Horrible Histories Rapist, Leo the Twine Boy and Ed the stalker.

Frankly, it could be any of those, they've all been highly under suspicion , questioned and investigated. Plus, they are a pack of creepy creepersons. Taking that into consideration, if one of those men were involved, it won't just be him that's guilty. There will be a twist somewhere. Maybe it was more than one. We know there were two other victims at least over the last few years, perhaps and most terrifyingly, it was a different man for each attack.

So that leads us on to the outsiders. The men who haven't been specifically under the spotlight.

Michael - Evil cab driver's stepson. He's got the face of someone who is guilty about something. Perhaps it's just because of the porn on his phone and computer, but dollars to donuts he's hiding something else. Maybe the bright light that Trish saw during her attack was from his phone? If Lucas Snr is involved then it's looking likely that his stepson knows more than we think.

Tom Miller - The reason the season one reveal was so spectacular and effective was because it was the option that would have the most effect on Ellie. She is the heart of the show and we follow her emotions and feelings. If Tom was involved in any way imaginable, that reveal would have the same kick in the stomach as Joe's did in the first series.

The housekeeper/Owner - He either knows more than he's letting on or is involved somehow

Paul the Vicar - There's always been a slight edge to the reverend, something less than holy. He's been very much on the outskirts of everything throughout the three seasons. Could he be involved? If he is, then it'll probably take more than an hour to explain it!

The caterer - We saw him briefly during the flashback to Cath's party and was briefly questioned by Hary and Miller. He was at the location all night. However, I can't remember his name. He's not a significant character. Would it be disappointing reveal if it was him?

Nige - It's curious that they've brought Nige back, but we've only seen him briefly. What was that about? Was it just for the hit of nostalgia, or is there more to it? Susan said that she was worried that he would turn into his father's son. Maybe he has.

SOCO Brian- Yeah, I'm considering everyone. It's a long shot and there's probably been too many DNA trails for it to be someone in the business.

2) Who does the house belong to?

A few episodes back now, Hardy and Miller mentioned how Trish's attack would have been visible from the house in the grounds, or a light that Trish saw could have been directed from there. However, as of yet, they could not find the owner of the property. It still hasn't been revealed. Is this important? Is it something else that's going to be revealed? Or was it just a red herring?

3) Who does the blue twine belong to?

Twine Boy obviously knows more than he's letting on. I don't think either Miller or myself were fooled by his sob story in the least episode. That being said, it's a seaside town, blue twine is hanging about all over the place. It really could be anyone.

4) What's going to happen to the Latimers?

I liked how the series reiterated how the grief of a family doesn't just suddenly go away, that it's on going and closure and moving on is a continuing battle. I also loved the actors involved in this family. They are brilliant at whatever they're given. However, for the most part their inclusion has seemed jarring sometimes with the on going story. There was just so much to explore with both stories, both seemed a little rushed at times. Their story has linked well to parenthood theme that's run through the season, though. Either way, there's only 45 minutes left of the whole series and they seem to be in a more confusing place now than at the start of the season. Enough time to give them a decent ending?

5) Will Daisy leave?

Hardy ripped up her train ticket and did the best rant ever on television at the teenage boys. However, I'm not sure that's going to take away Daisy's dislike of Broadchurch. We still haven't found out what exactly happened at her mum's to provoke her move to the town with Hardy either.

6) Have we seen the last of Joe?

There were some wonderful scenes in Liverpool with Mark, but the whole Joe storyline still seems a little unfinished. I know they all drove him out of town with the promise that they would kill him if he returned, but can we really leave the series knowing he's literally got away with murder? That's not even the most fearful part about it. He's out there free to groom any young boy that he may find. We've got no reason to believe he won't do what he did to Danny to another child. Also, how do we know he won't try to contact his children? Legally, he has a right to them. Unless any new evidence comes up, the law is on his side, not Ellie's in respect to how close he can come to his kids or the town.

7) How will we leave Hardy and Miller?

The most important part of the finale, for me anyway. I love these characters, they are the spine of the whole show and have knocked everything they've been given this season out the park. I could literally watch them just interview the vile men of Broadchurch for hour after hour. My favourite thing in life is now Olivia Colman's 'done with mankind' withering looks. However, I feel that these two characters have taken a sort of back seat to the case and the Latimers, this season. Particularly Ellie. It sort of feels very similar to the first season for her character. On the surface everything is almost tickity boo, but there are hints and clues all along that things are going to impload for her in the finale again.

I know we've seen how Ellie had a little struggle with Tom and porn on his phone, but so far it hasn't implicitly been suggested that it's anything more than stupid teenage boy behaviour. We know her mum died recently, but it was only briefly mentioned. We haven't seen any huge evidence of the obvious grief that event must have triggered. We know she's back as a D.S now, but we haven't really seen how she managed to work her way back into the job. We know she hasn't been sleeping and is having nightmares, but again, we don't know if this is just because of the case or if this has been a long term thing. We know she obviously doesn't see or hear from Joe, but we don't know if she's divorced, whether she did the same as Mark and found out where he is so she can keep an eye on his whereabouts.

The same can be sort of said for Hardy as well. We don't know really know why he decided to come back to Broadchurch, Daisey in tow. We don't know how his health is. We know he doesn't sleep either, but we don't know why. We don't know how he managed to get his old job back (surely they must have had a DI in his place for 2 years?). We know he has a fondness for Broadchurch now, he's expressed that much, but we still don't know any more. I'm assuming that the Sandbrook case didn't completely fall apart at he court case, like Danny's murder trial did. A little reference to that would have been nice.

Anyway, it's Ellie really who, for me at least, as a viewer I live and breathe with (but I love Hardy too). How are we supposed to wrap up their stories in just 45 minutes, along with all the other questions needing answers? I don't want to leave forever not knowing why they aren't sleeping, or if Joe will try and see his kids, or if Alec will stay in Broadchurch even if Daisy leaves.

I still can't believe we're leaving these two characters and never coming back to them. It feels like we've only just got them. I'm not done with them yet. I know they've said this is definitely the last season, but that just seems so final and definite. I know David Tennant and Olivia Colman are hugely in demand and Chris Chibnall in off to play in Who land, but surely a little Christmas special here and there wouldn't hurt anyone? Or possibly a spin off away from Broadchurch, with just those two characters?

I just don't want to leave them yet. And I don't want to leave them without knowing they'll be okay.

#broadchurch #season 3 #Miller #hardy #finale #david tennant #olivia colman #I can't believe it's the last episode

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