#anyways. ive figure out how to get it so that there isnt all this lame grey stuff on the drawings when i put them in the app

[cara-carabowditbowdit]

i don't mean much without you, you're the other person in the room

[wychive]

𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨

summary // you found your pile of ‘letters’ to hyunjin that contain thoughts that have never been said and decided to write to him one last time.

pairing(s) // hyunjin x gn!reader, hyunjin x oc, slight minho x reader

genre(s) // angst, letter fic 

warning(s) // mentions of food, themes of being forgotten, vulgar wording, humiliation, overthinking

word count // 2.0k

author's note // happy birthday @noya-sannnn​ !! im sorry this was so late hhh you know how i am irl,, but i hope you enjoy this! i love you so much, jane <3 i apologize for the many grammar mistakes gn. i recommend listening to iu’s ending scene while reading this! btw y/n/n means your nickname.

[10/01/14, 3:55am]

dear jinnie,

hi there! it's y/n <3 i hope you're doing okay - i mean of course you are pfft anyways, just writing this short letter (more like paragraph)  sort of as a venting mechanism? for things i cant tell you about lol  im not so sure how you would call it, since you're so much better at words than i am. basically were like:

hyunjin: ow a brain freeze!

me: haha brain go brrrr

anyways haha yea <3 it's 4am so like,, ill see you at school!

signed,

your loser,

y/n/n

[15/02/14, 12:34am]

yo heartthrob!

im back with this kinda stuff haha it's been a whole? week? since ive written one of these so like yes..hi! i just wanted to say thanks, for today. you really know how to cheer me up huh? you really outdid yourself by setting up that little picnic for us. congrats on making the strawberry cake so perfectly <3 this day will always stay as a core memory in the back of my brain. you're too caring sometimes,,, istg you'll pay for this [maybe hugs?] >:) 

signed,

your partner in crime,

y/n/n

[30/02/15, 01:29am]

jinnie-senpai~~

LMAO you hate me calling you that, doesn't change a thing though. hehe,, nways i hope you enjoyed your birthday present :) i got you that really cool skateboard that you wanted. i worked my ass off for that in my mother's garden so like,, you gotta thank me for that a thousand times :D nah jk, its a sincere gift, from me to you. i rarely do this for ANYONE so consider yourself lucky to have a best friend like me -3- also, seungmin is like….kinda the cutest person ever. introduce me to him pls, thank!

signed,

<your bestest friend3,

y/n

(p.s. you're kinda cute too,,,, ig,,, still stinkee tho)

[13/04/15, 9:04pm]

hey 'baby' (HAHAHA ihy for this)

i hope your day was okay! i didn't see much of you today (which was sort of a bummer but wtv) so like…. uh yea. you told me you were doing okay over text, which kinda surprised me because like?? we always video call lol this is kinda the first time,, but its okay, i trust you! (i really hope youre doing alright tho, i'll beat anyone up if they make you sad >:( ) you also called me 'sweetheart' today which was like…. omg wtf haha????????? that was so weird to me for some reason�� a good kind of weird :D we haven't done those kinds of nicknames in a while so…. happy to know that they're back in session <3 i talked to the new girl today, she's really cool! like she knows the bean song on tiktok so like its a total win heh, ill introduce you to her tomorrow! you'll love her a lot

signed,

your 'lover',

y/n/n

[08/06/16, 10:23pm]

hey howl (hehe go back to that movie night we had)

this spring break sucks so much,, esp because youre not here (you still couldve brought me along :'[ ) but wtv i hope youre enjoying yourself. ive been hanging out with yeonnie lately and i found out she likes conan grey too like pls i love her sm. can we adopt her?? please???? she told me you guys have been video calling too and that makes me so happy!! you two are getting along so well aaa my precious babies </3 

what if you developed a crush on her? haha…..jk unless?? (no jk dont shes all mine, stay away >:) ) anyways, i hope the three of us hang out soon. maybe go to that ice cream parlour where they serve the best cookies and cream?  

signed,

your daisy,

y/n/n

[19/07/15, 01:23am]

peepee poopoo hello

heyheyhey!! (heh, haikyuu thingz) i hope youre doing okay! i mean sure you are, with everything going so well. also i feel like you're not telling me something. maybe it's just me? is it? i hope it is because you tell me everything,, we've been talking less these days but its okay! i know how busy you are, especially with your dad always bugging you,,

also, i think yeonbin likes you :0,, she keeps talking about you whenever we hang out. don't get me wrong, its not bad that she likes you but...something doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm being the third wheeler here and like ugh idk. haha laughs yea i think its just me.. im sorry, i didnt mean to do you like this,, anyways, ill see you soon + her too ofc- yall are inseparable lmao

signed,

your moonlight,

y/n/n

[23/07/15, 01:56am]

greetings, kind sir

lol more like mean sir but like aight KSKSK,, anyways,, how have you been? we haven't really talked in a while,, our convos are always so short with it being one-sided :/ i wish you were online more. yeonnie is ignoring me,, do you know why? i think you do,,, but when i asked you just said you didnt know. did i do something wrong? pls tell me.. 

she blocked my contact the other day and she won't even smile at me when i pass her in the hallways. its,, sad and stressful especially because she was the only one that would genuinely talk to me. i hate to say this,, but i miss you. us, hanging out like the best trio we are, yknow? but i dont think you miss me the same way. sorry, im getting out of hand. i know im just overreacting. im just gonna sleep ig,, good night! sweet dreams,,

signed,

your pink lemonade,

y/n/n

[25/07/15, 03:25am]

hi there

i heard you and her got together?? congrats, jinnie! im so proud of you,, especially because you never had even considered getting a girlfriend a few months earlier lmaO you really woo the ladies huh? anyways,, i hope you've been well since we last talked,, how many days has it been?? i would say nearly a week or so but honestly it feels like a hundred years,, considering you and i used to talk every day. but you have her now to keep you company.

keep this a secret but can you possibly tell me why it hurts when i see her? or when i mention her or even think of her?? is it because she's connected to you? but.. you're my best friend, so why? is it because i miss you? is it because im alone now? is it because you left me with a simple 'i have to go now,, bye y/n/n.'? im not sure either. im being silly, i apologize. ill figure it out sooner or later. sweet dreams, jinnie

signed,

your asswipe,

y/n

[25/07/15, 04:30am]

jinnie

it's because i love you. 

signed,

your butterfly,

y/n

[??/08/??, 05:??am]

you

i miss your lame jokes. i miss your smile. i miss your laughs. i miss your funny faces. i miss the way your eyes twinkle. i miss th way you would make me happy just by doing the bare minimum. i miss the disaster you made when cooking breakfast. i miss the night when you snuck me out just to go to that pretty lantern event. i miss when you would call out my name everytime we met. i miss when we would share earbuds in train rides. dont you get it, hyunjin? i miss you.

[??/??/15, ??:??am]

asshole.

please tell me that isn't true, please. you're too kind to do these kinds of things, right? + i was your best friend,, then, why, why did you hurt me like this. i didnt do anything wrong.. you couldve just told me you didnt like me,,, why did she have to tell me? out of all people. 

youre so pathetic for this,, i thought you were brave, bold - but youre just a fucking coward. i loved you, i really did. and i realised too late… im sorry. she,, i shouldn't have talked to her in the first place, right? i bet you knew she humiliated me, in front of everyone. of course you did, you were the only one that knew. you told her. fuck, i hate you so much (yet why do i long for you on a night like this?). you know how much that'll affect me and yet, there you are, laughing about it with her.

signed,

fuck off,

you know who i am.

[31/08/15, 03:41am]

ah, jinnie

please tell me this is just a nightmare. please, please. stop just reading my texts, please answer them. jinnie. i miss you so much. i dont care bout her, please just let me be in your arms. i dont care if you love me back, please just talk to me at least. tell me what i did wrong,, jinnie,, please,,, clear these tear stains on my cheek with kisses.

signed,

your fuck-up,

y/n

[15/09/15, 04:59am]

jinnie

why do i keep crying because of you? its been a few weeks since everything has happened. please, nothing has changed. i still love you the same even with all the hatred i have pent up in this stupid brain of mine. i wish i could just walk back in time, to where it all began.

when i first met you in third grade and you pushed me while playing soccer or maybe when we took those ridiculous prom pictures, remember those? i hope you still have them,, because i do too. i hope the pictures of us on your wall still hang there,, it'll remind you of the happy times. hm,, maybe you don't need them. 

you already have millions of pictures with you and her,, i bet you printed some and replaced those with ours right? sly dog. 

signed,

friend,

y/n/n

[04/02/16, 12:57am]

hey

i went to the park today and saw both of you being happy. it's nice to see your smile again. im sorry i didnt go up to you,, i just thought it would be awkward. when i heard that adorable laugh of yours, it made me realise that i lost something special. but it's okay isnt it? as your happiness matters more than mine. 

signed,

y/n

[06/01/20, 08:00pm]

dear hyunjin,

im doing fine here. how about you? gosh,, how long has it been? years? since we last talked to each other. i havent heard from you since. i would just like to say i still think of you sometimes, when watering the plants or dancing while making pancakes. sometimes i think you're here with me too, just being the pals we were. 

sometimes i'd see you out, just reading a book in the park or buying pasta sauce at the grocery store. it's nice to see you having a stable life. im not sure if you're still with her or not, but its good to know that you still have that large friend group. also! you're never gonna guess who im dating--

it's minho! do you remember him? the one that i used to hate,, uh yeah. he asked me out the other day- you may wonder how tf,,, i too do not know how tf but he gives the best hugs ever. he gave me the love i wanted from you. he stitched my heart back together after it broke,, i love him so much, jinnie..

it's snowing,, do you remember when we would skate on the frozen lake in front of your house? are your parents well? i wonder if your mother still has those earrings i bought for her birthday. i never told you this but your laugh and hers sound so similar. 

i would just like to say thank you, for everything. you were a big part of my life, up until now. when we see each other after this, we would just be strangers. maybe flash a little smile or give a little wave whenever we greet each other but nothing more. some memories of us would flow in every now and then but it'll just be a short teaser. well, i'll be going now. smile for me, okay?

signed,

the one that loved you the most,

y/n.

taglist // @/noya-sannnn, @crvgio​ , @neo-shitty​

reply to be in my gen taglist!

[andreils-keys]

kay so ive been taking prompts from my instagram and

why would you tell me not to kill one and if i do to bring him back please you’re taking all the joy out of writing >:(

anyways lets get into it <3 (tw: small mention of domestic abuse)

(disclaimer yes i am a kandreil shipper :))

andrew is cursed in the same way blue was sort of where if he tells someone that he loves them they’ll die (yes i changed it a bit)

but instead of doing the whole 'you're cursed zap magic' thing (bc i don't think it'd fit very well in the aftgverse) im gonna try something else             

andrew had some pretty shitty foster homes when he was young

but the worst one was a small house by a family-owned ice cream shop

he remembers the ice cream shop very vividly. it was where he went when his foster mother was out working or drinking. it was where he went to feel safe.

he was pretty young, maybe 4 ? 5 ? impressionable. in that stage where santa claus and the boogie man were real, where hiding under a blanket protected you from nightmares. (he learned pretty quickly that hiding under the blanket did not protect you from anything.

he was bashed and battered with fists and words, words that cursed his very being and proclaimed that to love him was to die.

he was so young

he was only a child

and he did what children do best

he believed        

there was a time when he doubted

another foster parent, a run down house made beautiful with love and mismatched furniture

the road to healing is rocky and dangerous, but easier to traverse when you have someone behind you

finally, he let himself love

he let his foster mother in, little by little, and he thought: maybe im not a curse

and he said: i love you

the day after, she died in a car crash

the car brutalized

her body brutalized

his heart brutalized

coincidence? he says out loud at the entrance of another foster home. because it needs to be said. because lies always become crystal clear when said out loud.      

bc of this he's never directly expressed love for anyone and he tends to distance himself from people just to make sure there's 0 risk of him causing someone's death

but if he does care for someone he shows this through actions (no i love yous because that's what he believes caused his foster mothers death)            

he's always had people he's cared about, people he's wanted to protect and keep safe

but ever since the car crash, hes never had anyone hes wanted to say i love you to     

until     

[enter kevin day]         

the first person that consumed him was kevin, the boy that sought him out in high school with desperation in his eyes, raving about a sport that had made andrews days in juvie a little more bearable. 

the man that always appeared on television with a cardboard smile stamped onto his face, always a step behind riko moriyama, always hiding in his shadow.

the man that inexplicably made yet another appearance in andrews life, this time with a shattered hand and a plea for help.

the man that pushed and pulled andrew just enough to get him through another day, another week.        

and then neil, so different from kevin and yet so alike, as sudden as a gunshot, as tantalizing as death. 

the boy that's as invested in riko and kevin as andrew is. 

the boy that is impenetrable and distrusting, the boy that lets no one in. 

at first andrew thinks he's safe. as long as neil doesn't let anyone in, that means andrew won't have to let him in. and kill him.

aha sike. turns out neil is the trusting-no-one-but-andrew-minyard-and-kevin-day type           

the three of them form a twisted complicated pyramid; each side leaning against the other two. immovable. strong. inseparable, unless andrew deliberately pushes himself away when the feeling ballooning in his chest is too much.

(although he will always get pulled back in. the gravity of neil and kevin is too strong for andrew to stay away.)

he promises to protect them because that's what he does for the people he cares about.

but falling in love is a whole other ball game.

andrew is so afraid.

afraid to love them, afraid to let them in.

he knows he can't allow it; every time he thinks of how much he feels for them, he remembers the car, the shattered windows, the pieces of glass tipped with blood.

but andrew is only human.

even if he tells himself not to fall in love, the heart and body tend to ignore the mind.

he let’s himself be selfish

the hard press of kevin's lips against his, the gentle tug of neils fingers threaded through his hair, a hand clamped against neils neck and the other gripping kevin's arm.

that is all andrew allows

he doesn't mind if kevin and neil go gallivanting off somewhere on their own (s a f e l y; if those idiots get taken by the yakuza it would be extremely inconvenient for andrew)((andrew: dammit now i have to save them from the mafia nicky: you don't have t- andrew: no im gonna)), even if it prods unpleasantly at a sensitive point in his heart. if they're happy, hes happy. 

(well, not quite happy. satisfied is the proper word. and he supposes that's the most he can ask for.)       

he doesn't tell them about the nightmares. the dreams of fire and blood and twisted metal, of fists and a curse and a small, dark room. more often than not neil will wake to find andrew sliding out of his bunk and going to the kitchen for a bowl of ice cream.

neil won't pry, but he'll wake kevin and they'll join andrew in the kitchen, standing on the other side of the counter from andrew with their shoulders pressed together, a reminder to each other and andrew that they are there for each other.         

and then neil disappears. like a dream. like smoke. 

andrew took his eyes off neil for one second, and neil vanished in the crowd of angry fans.

they search and search but neil is gone.

all they find is neils exy racket lying on the ground in pieces, broken from the stampede of fans.

andrew whispers, the words dredged from a desperate, vulnerable place inside him: i love you. neil, i love you. come back to me. come back to kevin. come back to us.     

the next day, the fbi tells them that they found neils gym bag. it was covered with tire tracks and spattered with blood.

they couldn’t find neil.    

and the pyramid falls.

the grief and guilt and heartbreak andrew feels is unparalleled. never has he felt so broken. never has he felt so dirty. he did this. he did this.

kevin insists neil is still alive. lost and floating, but alive

but andrew knows better.

his nightmares get worse. sprinkled in with the mauled car and heavy fists is a shattered exy stick, a gym bag dripping blood, an unreachable figure with red hair and a slash of a smile.

andrew spirals. 

he refuses to speak to anyone. even kevin. he'll stay with kevin and press his palm into the side of kevin's neck, his pulse grounding andrew and keeping him in the here and now, but he will not speak.    

cabeswater brought gansey back right and i feel like the one closest to magic would be renee (thank you neils jortventures fairy magic huzzah) except she doesn't use magic. 

so remember how she was affiliated with a gang when she was young 

there was a member of the gang that continued to reach out to her, especially once they escaped from the gang a little after renee did

renee did respond to their messages, but she tried not to initiate conversation because they were part of her old life and she was living and loving her new one. 

essentially she was nice enough not to cut them out completely. 

unfortunately the kid got caught up in another gang that was closely associated with the butcher of baltimore

when nathan dies they text renee about how their gang is in pieces because the butcher is dead. 

renee isnt there to receive the message right away (she and andrew were sparring, as they were keen to do now that neil was gone and andrew was out of sorts) and kevin is the one to catch the word butcher when the notification pops up

he scrambles for renees phone and sees: the butcher is dead.

he is so relieved because the butcher, the man kevin always had to fear and avoid, is dead

and then he starts to think

neil’s father was the butcher. does this have something to do with neil? was the butcher the one that took neil? if the butcher is dead, does that mean neil is still alive?

it’s a bit of a stretch, but kevin is willing to believe anything if it means that neil is alive

he tells andrew

he doesn't expect andrew to do anything but he still wants to tell him, just so that andrew will know, just so that kevin himself can taste the words.

kevin asks renee if they can reach out and she's like wtf y'all doing going through my phone but she understands how hard it hit them, andrew especially, and if it'll help them she'll go along   

they meet up with the kid

renee seems nice enough, but andrew can tell how strained she is by the way she keeps cracking her knuckles one by one

they get the info from the kid about a red haired blue eyed cut up burned kid

kevin is distraught about the cut up burned part

andrew is close to vomiting from a whirlwind of relief (they never said he was dead) and denial and fear for neil

he refuses to get his hopes up; he said the cursed words. he saw the blood on neils’s gym bag. he saw the shattered exy stick. (or was that a dream? his nightmares and reality are so tightly interwoven he can hardly tell what's real)

the kid warns kevin and andrew that the last time they saw neil was in the basement and that the probablity of him still being there is relatively low

kevin makes a sort of impatient gesture at the kid and they bring kevin and andrew to the house (renee stays behind; she made a lame excuse about needing to make a phone call but she just wanted to give them space, either to reunite with neil or grieve their loss a second time)

from the outside, it’s a nice looking house and it doesn’t look threatening in the least, but andrew knows how deceiving appearances can be

once they go inside everything is in shambles. the couch overturned, the tv screen cracked in multiple places, ceiling plaster and pieces of porcelain all over the counters and dining table

the kid points them to the basement

kevin is the first to go down

andrew is surprised mainly because kevin is usually always so careful

andrew follows more warily, afraid to find nothing, afraid to find neil; afraid to have his heart broken all over again, afraid of the prospect that he has wasted his entire life living a lie.

he reaches the basement to find kevin wrapped around a small beat up, bruised, burnt, and shivering lump.

neil is hurt and bloody, and it drives a stake through andrew’s heart, but the fact that neil is breathing and alive alive alive causes a different kind of pain, the unique pain of relief and sorrow and love swirled together.

kevin is stroking neils hair and very obviously trying not to have a panic attack and andrew goes to them

sits down

both kevin and neil look up at him, and andrew watches as some of the fear and pain in their eyes fades.

he can feel the words bubbling up and he wants to say them, to scream them, but they are stuck inside his throat, twisted around his tongue.

it is a language andrew has taught himself to unlearn.

the road to healing is rocky and dangerous, but easier to traverse when you have someone behind you

it’s even easier when you have two people behind you, people who have seen what you have seen, people who make an effort to understand you.

andrew eventually does say it.

the words, no longer cursed, are still clumsy and fall in a messy jumble at his feet

but there they are, light as a cloud, heavy as a storm:

i love you

[lesbianbernardsumner]

Hey! Its thing >:)!

Its the thing i was teasing at in that post last night, and technically for like... four months? five? huh its been a bit since i second changed my url huh. Im not gonna go check or anything. If I were a bit more patient i wouldve waited for the archive collection become canon but im not. funfacterdroid is just more of my bran! Anyway! This post is my first impressions and opinions on each song on Back to the Egg! The Wings album i temporarily renamed myself after. (told ya i was gonna ramble wasnt i ydbfyufjd). It also happens to be the only wings album i havent listened to yet. And sure theres a bunch of singles and b-sides i havent listened to either, but this is the last one! I figured it should get some of its own treatment! I know that its gonna sound different to London Town and the two before it, cause McCulloch and English arent here. I’ve also heard that this album is bad and people called Paul a sellout because he transitioned to New Wave. New Wave is my favorite genre and I guess Wings werent ever that far from it? But they’re still a rock band at heart so i dont know how that change is going to fare. Enough introduction: Lets just go track by track! -Side One: Sunny Side Up-

Reception: Its just some radio garble, an instrumental meant to introduce the album. dont really have any opinions on it. Getting Closer: JAHBUDHSAUHJDHS WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! I didnt expect such a threatening title to be so upbeat. Like... opposite of Beware My Love. I do think its odd that there is barely any backup singing? Its not horrible just weird that this song, out of all the openers, doesnt. That outro is very much meant to be like a darker part of the song, like the dream sequence from A Day In The Life, but god dammit this song is just so upbeat! so weirdly cheerful and gentle! And... only 3 minutes? Rockshow and Jet were 4... eh those albums had a lot less songs, this one has 13 not counting Reception! Same as London Town, which i also really like! We’re Open Tonight: Oooohhh!! Very soft, I think I know what its about but when taken literally, to me it sounds like a quaint little shop trying to lure you in, sinisterly. I think the bass is making it sound evil to me, but thats a great thing! Clearly its trying to be like another I’m Carrying but that song fucking sucks!!!!!! I also really like how its only 1 minute, something so haunting about it. Not sure if thats positive or negative but the songs cool! Spin It On: hHEHEYEHY!! Getting Closer.... 2! kinda. Its much much faster and i can barely understand the words hes saying... or what hes spinning. The backing vocals are really cool though. the lyrics mention a pinball table? Y.. you know pinball doesn't spin right? it falls.... Questionable lyrics aside, theres really not a lot of SPEEDY Wings songs! Glad that one of the few is also extremely good!

Again and Again and Again: WOW OKAY! this is sung by denny, all of these songs start pretty fast unlike a good chunk of their past work, but i really like that! But it also means i cannot process a single thing denny is saying, i think he said something about a school? and being in a bad situation? ah whatever. Denny used to be in an R&B band and i really think thats going to work here! This isnt an exactly a Rhythm-y or Bluesey song, but He’s clearly having fun! thats why i love wings in general, its easy to tell that the band was having fun recording a song! Old Siam, Sir: A-hmm. Paul’s doing his squeaky voice again... I guess that can work sometimes but its absolutely not complimenting the piano in the background. Also, I feel like a squeaky voice wouldnt work the best for a story song. A story thats pretty incomprehensible too? Who is this lady! What the fuck is this village!! This is the song you wanted to make 4 minutes? and it fades out too... how much did they record... Arrow Through Me: So this is the one that the critics liked? Its the most synth heavy which i understand why people like, I like synths too! I like how the bass (which i think is also from a synth?) lines up perfectly with the horns! Its alright, it might grow on me later, but now its just a passable song. One i wouldnt skip. Plus I really like the reverb effects, the whole album has em but this one really makes use!! Kinda bad overall though.

-Side Two: Over Easy- Rockestra Theme: Just an instrumental. But one thats really important to music history! I don’t actually know the full story to this one, but I do know that i really like it! Plus the vocal effects on Paul’s... Scatting i guess you could call it? Whatever it is, it works! To You: This sounds... eerily like Getting Closer. But bad... Eh I like that organ. Not much to say really... theres only like one verse. After the Ball / Million Miles: Oh cool another medley. Last one we got was two albums ago! I guess since this is technically two songs id have to... review them both? After the Ball is exactly what it sounds like. A gentle rock song about seeing your love after a party :)! Pretty standard for wings. Million Miles! Sounds a lot like After the Ball but with an accordian? Fuck I’m not complaining. But also who the fuck is Deo. Winter Rose / Love Awake: Uh- Something is,,, wrong with Paul’s voice. like he damaged it? I mean its not horrible it just kinda takes me out of the emersion? Oh we’re already on Love Awake! his voice is fine now..! Man this song is mediocre! No wonder the 70s are regarded as lame./lh Weird that Linda isn’t singing backup here? Or if she is that Denny’s voice is just drowning her out. Winter Rose itself is kinda lame but its... sweeter I guess?  The Broadcast: SINISTER!!!!!!! I do not know who is talking but this sounds... dystopian. I don’t even know what the poem is about its just... the whole song is slightly off. But i mean that in a good way! So Glad to See You Here: MAN! They were trying so hard to be punk... Okay as a punk song this sounds horrible! But as a song in general i like it! It’s not mixed the best but i really like the lyrics! And I-HOLY SHIT WE’RE OPEN TONIGHT PART TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really didnt expect that,,, thats.... genuinely cool! Baby’s Request: Oh the finale! H..huh... Jazzy! And its about going to sleep.. i think? Regardless, Paul’s good at writing songs to fall asleep to, this isnt an exception at all!! Although it is weird that at the end the same horn plays as the one in Thrillington’s Monkberry Moon Delight... Its probably just a coincidence, i thought it was funny though. ---- Okay! Overall, I liked Sunny Side-Up more as a whole since i like 4/6 of its songs, but MAN So Glad to See You Here and Baby’s Request are REALLLY GOOD-But then again. I only listened to all of these songs once, and i wont listen to them again until ive finished writing this post, just to keep my first impressions fresh. I don’t really know what else to say that album was fun as hell! So I’d give Back To The Egg a... 7.8/10! I really didnt expect to like it this much. even though New Wave is my favorite music genre, i didnt think paul would be able to do it justice! Especially since the genre was just starting itself up... heh.... hope it gets archived soon.

[gunmetalgrey-trashpile]

SMS [ bucky ] : for @diabolicaltendencies​

SMS [ bucky ] : oi what the actual fuck is a bucky SMS [ august 📷 ] : my name who is this?

SMS [ bucky ] : who the fuck names their kid bucky SMS [ august 📷 ] : nickname where's august? SMS [ bucky ] : are you a deer or something im asking the questions here mr stag man SMS [ august 📷 ] : it's short for something you're texting me on his phone, so i think im okay asking SMS [ bucky ] : think again he’s busy or whatever SMS [ august 📷 ] : okay ill believe that for now SMS [ bucky ] : doing camera stuff idk changing lenses ??? SMS [ august 📷 ] : okay yeah that sounds like him so who are you? SMS [ bucky ] : what’s it short for Ur worst nightmare a concerned friend of Auggies SMS [ august 📷 ] : buchanan great auggie???? seriously? SMS [ bucky ] : dead serious buchanan so you’re a friend then? SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah SMS [ bucky ] : or should I keep scrolling up SMS [ august 📷 ] : hey why don't you find out you're the one snooping, its not my fault if you see something you dont like SMS [ bucky ] : if that’s a dare you might have just won points with me SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah its a dare SMS [ bucky ] : how do you know Auggie SMS [ august 📷 ] : we met at a tank exhibit in new york SMS [ bucky ] : well that’s one hell of a meet cute SMS [ august 📷 ] : he was interested, i knew things and then i showed him around the city so he could be a nerd with his camera SMS [ bucky ] : Yknow sounds fair I believe that you know NY? SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah im from there SMS [ bucky ] : a yank??? gross minus a point ur back at 0 that where u live now SMS [ august 📷 ] : ouch i didnt discriminate against you or him for being brits maybe now i should yeah i live there now too SMS [ bucky ] : who said I was a Brit SMS [ august 📷 ] : that'd be telling it's a guess given that he said where he was SMS [ bucky ] : telling is the point of this whole interview pal ur still loosing points here SMS [ august 📷 ] : i dont know much about you either SMS [ bucky ] : start talking u might get as far as in person harrassment mynameisuntoldToday at 00:57 could be interesting SMS [ bucky ] : but you are correct, it’s I, the terrifying older brother Sebastian Moran here to intimidate you SMS [ august 📷 ] : the prime minister isnt going to be texting me SMS [ bucky ] : I have it on good authority the prime minister recieves dick pics so shut the fuck up Yankee Doodle whatever SMS [ august 📷 ] : see now thats conflicting information which one are you actually SMS [ bucky ] : well well well what’s ur options Narrow it down Buck mc buckface SMS [ august 📷 ] : the other sebastian, severin, moira, alex, jasper, probably not the other sebastian, severin, or moira jasper's nice so im guessing alex? im assuming you're a moran SMS [ bucky ] : big assumption SMS [ august 📷 ] : august has a big family SMS [ bucky ] : but look at you dropping all the names do u SMS [ august 📷 ] : i get reports from time not really SMS [ bucky ] : and where did you think he was/is SMS [ august 📷 ] : august? all i knew was england because of the last picture i got SMS [ bucky ] : Auggie mynameisuntoldToday at 01:04 yeah sure SMS [ bucky ] : how long have you known him SMS [ august 📷 ] : a little while ill have to think just over a year i think? SMS [ bucky ] : that fuckers has know you a YEAR when did this start SMS [ august 📷 ] : we met last september if i remember correctly and yeah he has i mean its not like hes here all the time so its been every so often throughout the year SMS [ bucky ] : this explains the air miles whatever not the point mr deer SMS [ august 📷 ] : do you keep a close eye on them?? whats the point? SMS [ bucky ] : what do u do for a living hey IM the one asking questions here I’m the PM SMS [ august 📷 ] : sure you are i fix cars SMS [ bucky ] : That’s why it’s called PRIME MINISTERS QUESTIONS ooooooooooooo What kinda cars SMS [ august 📷 ] : any kind that's broken i dont pay attention to your politics, you know SMS [ bucky ] : do u like cars mynameisuntoldToday at 01:10 yeah SMS [ bucky ] : lol neither do i SMS [ august 📷 ] : sure you dont SMS [ bucky ] : Running the country is hard enough Ain’t gonna listen to people whine about it do u like cats SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah theyre fine SMS [ bucky ] : wrong answer buckaroo SMS [ august 📷 ] : is there something wrong with cats? SMS [ bucky ] : i feel like I must be on at least -50 by now SMS [ august 📷 ] : if i had a pet, itd be a dog if that makes you feel better SMS [ bucky ] : cats are the WORST it doesn’t but maybe that’s -49 SMS [ august 📷 ] : fair enough clearly you take this interrogation seriously SMS [ bucky ] : what did you get Auggie for his bday SMS [ august 📷 ] : i think we just hung out a bit and went exploring. showed him a spot he hadnt seen before SMS [ bucky ] : lame what do you plan on getting him for xmas if you make it that far SMS [ bucky ] : might have MI6 murder you if you lose any more points SMS [ august 📷 ] : I don’t know enough about camera stuff, but probably something like that Though he’ll get that before or after since he spend Xmas over there okay 007 sounds good SMS [ bucky ] : when are you seeing him next ive got to visit the ompa loompa one more time before he leaves office SMS [ august 📷 ] : I think he might come by when he’s done there with you one more time? SMS [ bucky ] : maybe he’ll get out of NYE if he does ill kill him SMS [ august 📷 ] : I’d like it better if you didn’t SMS [ bucky ] : yknow Diplomatic stuff SMS [ august 📷 ] : oh right SMS [ bucky ] : awwww aint u a romantic SMS [ august 📷 ] : I forgot we were pretending you were your other cousin yeah well it’s been known to happen SMS [ bucky ] : oi not pretending i am special sebastian moron SMS [ august 📷 ] : that’s why I got doubts SMS [ bucky ] : owner of the uk or whatever SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah sure SMS [ bucky ] : Mr stag man what is your idea of an ideal date SMS [ august 📷 ] : why do you want to know? I’m not picky - dinner and then wandering around is always nice SMS [ bucky ] : so I can tell my agents to do that before they kill you what kind of dinner SMS [ august 📷 ] : interesting italian’s good? though there’s also a good Greek place SMS [ bucky ] : What are your thoughts on like stew n stuff do you cook what are your thoughts on life and the universe and our place in it DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS SMS [ august 📷 ] : stew is good i do cook and i can bake but dont do it much thats too philosophical for me the universe is what it is and im not gonna question it too hard i dont beleive in ghosts which i get the feeling you do SMS [ bucky ] : why not good you loose too much time trying to figure it out +1 point to you buckster -1 for the ghosts they will get you i should know i'm ruler of great britain SMS [ august 📷 ] : that evens out to 0 points I feel like your grading is a little harsh So you’re the queen now?? SMS [ bucky ] : not when you're already on -48 or something mynameisuntoldToday at 17:14 yeah like i said, harsh grading SMS [ bucky ] : well if he's worth it you'll have to try harder m8 SMS [ august 📷 ] : ill try to win you over as best i can at least SMS [ bucky ] : my approval is expensive SMS [ august 📷 ] : bribes now? SMS [ bucky ] : hope u brought cash SMS [ august 📷 ] : yeah well if it's paid entry ill just have to skip your approval SMS [ bucky ] : i'm government u should know im corrupt SMS [ august 📷 ] : i guess i should SMS [ bucky ] : what do u think of authority SMS [ august 📷 ] : but since youre not government is there another way to earn your approval? what the fuck kind of question is that SMS [ bucky ] : are u calling me a liar? -49 SMS [ august 📷 ] : im calling you definitely not the prime minister im not about to start any revolutions but i dont think you have to always respect authority how about that SMS [ bucky ] : boring SMS [ august 📷 ] : ouch SMS [ bucky ] : have u ever been arrested dont lie to me i can look it up SMS [ august 📷 ] : juvenile records are sealed SMS [ bucky ] : not if ur prime minister SMS [ august 📷 ] : suuuuuure well anyway it was tresspassing mostly SMS [ bucky ] : who what when where why

[puppysynonym]

im just gonna vent here for a second cuz i feel upset.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR:

-mentions of threatened sexual assault

- brief mention of an E.D.

-mention of yaoi/BL (i want to make it clear that i dont support it at all. its gross and fetishizes mlm relationships, but it plays a part in the context of an anecdote)

if i see one more post along the lines of "mY 5'10 aSs wHeN a 5'7-8 giRl cOmPlaiNs aBoUt bEinG tALL" im gonna scream.

im now 5'8", but ive ALWAYS been taller than most girls and a large amount of boys my age. ive been bullied about my height since i was in elementary school, and im so tired of seeing people post shit invalidating my experiences.

ive had people at multiple schools ive attended start rumors that im amab as an insult (which honestly is a weak ass way to insult me since trans women/femmes are absolutely fucking gorgeous and wonderful💞❤). but still, that shit eats away at you over time. im currently very confused about my gender identity, and i partially attribute that to consistently being told that i wasnt perceived as feminine enough by my peers because of my height.

its not just the assholery of people telling me that im masculine because of my height, its also people literally threatening to sexually assault me so they could figure out "whats in my pants" by "copping a feel". like fuck you. im really lucky that none of the people who said that shit actually touched me but it really hurt anyway because i thought those were people i could trust.

ive had people who i barely talk to walk up to me and ask if its hard for me to find a guy to date because im tall.

ive had friends point me out to boys who are 6'0+ and say "what about them? would you date someone their height?" only for the boy to come up with some lame excuses which ultimately circle back around to "no".

ive been told that i was dressed "inappropriately" at school for wearing fucking children's exercise shorts that on anyone else, wouldve been a normal length, but on me LOOKED short because my legs are so long. like they passed the stupid finger/arm length test and everything, but i was still picked on in front of my entire class for "not following the rules". maybe i wouldnt have been quite as hurt by it if girls shorter than me werent constantly getting away with wearing short-shorts that CLEARLY broke dress-code (dress-code is dumb and in all honesty, good for those girls for getting away with it, but it still hurt that i was kinda forced to wear knee length basketball shorts or pants in the summer just so i wouldn't get in trouble at school).

ive been given the male parts in dances rather than being part of "the hip lift" that my other girl classmates got to be apart of. and its not even because they didnt have enough boys to do the lift OR because i was too heavy (i was recovering from an ED at the time and was still unhealthily underweight). it was literally just because of my height.

i used to have an ex-friend that was shorter than me who i would cosplay with. im really happy that im out of that friendship for several reasons, but the only important one for the context of this story is that she likes yaoi. so whenever she wanted us to cosplay as a ship of hers, she'd always, without doubt, make me the "seme". listen, i get wanting our cosplays to be accurate to the characters height difference wise but we werent even that far apart in height?? like, she was 5'6 and i was like borderline 5'8 at the time (ive grown since then). and when we DID cosplay characters that were similar/the same height, she would insist that i wear flats instead of mary-janes because the later would make me look too tall. all of this shit probably wouldnt bother me as much now if she hadn't been such a shit friend, but she would also talk about how she always thought that xyz about her made her seem "sleazy" which was her code-word for masculine. the issue was, one of these things was her height. and i was OBVIOUSLY taller than her and she OBVIOUSLY acknowledged it so :) yeah.

there are DOZENS more examples i could give about how ive been treated like shit because of my height, but im tired so ill save those for another day.

in conclusion, i get to refer to myself as "tall". ive suffered enough because of it, i think i earned the title, thanks.

i want to make it clear that i understand that being a 6'0+ woman/feminine aligned person probably has more shitty repercussions than being 5'8 and im sorry for that. like, i have a hard enough time shopping for clothes so i can only imagine the shit y'all must go through :(

BUT IF I SEE ANOTHER 5'10 PERSON SAY THAT 5'7/5'8 ISNT TALL I SWEAR BRUH. LIKE YOURE 2 INCHES TALLER THAN ME. IF IM NOT CONSIDERED TALL, YOU ARENT EITHER :D

[outofcontextriordanverse]

im planning out making a drawing of all the main characters in all the different rick riordan series & imprints and im tryin to figure out what everyones gunna b doing for their portion of the picture to make everyone recognizable

like i got percy w his camp half blood shirt and hes gonna be holding riptide (pen form tho) and hes gonna be partially surrounded by water and have a lil bit coming out of his other hand like a hose. got the goofy look on his face and stuff so u Kno its a percy!! its the boy!!

and then i figured with carter and sadie ill have both of them bickering w each other and the grounds a little cracked beneath them and sadies holding bast (in muffin form obviously) while wearing headphones and carters holding some scrolls and maybe carters using a hand to reach into the underworld pocket thing...

with magnus i figured hed be holding jack... im gonna draw him w his kurt cobain hair bc hes more recognizable that way and hes got like a yellow glowy aura kinda thing around him but then contrast it with him having like a pissed off look on his face since hes the worlds most reluctant healer. maybe hes got some falafel in his other hand and the way hes holding his sword is like a more chill way to indicate he doesnt really use it

then i decided im gonna leave apollo/lester out bc like even tho he IS the main character of the trials of apollo series bc like. apollo is first known to people as a god anyway i dont think hed like to be grouped in with the protags. hed be insulted.

ANYWAY then w the imprint characters i got

aru shah is of course gonna be in her iconic spiderman pajammies and shed be in a more chill position like i figured id have the main riordanverse protagonists kinda standing in position w the new characters flocking around them goofing off. aru would be kinda leaning back and playing w her magic glowy ball and have a kinda >:3 face because thats just how she is. maybe some sort of sky /lightning motifs around her bc shes the daughter of the sky goddess. MAYB SHES LAYIN ON A LIL CLOUD! probly grinning up at percy too bc i feel like theyre alike....two birds of a feather theyd be good friends

zane is gonna be holding his cool cane (the one he gets near the end of the book, not the lame one) and hes gonna look kinda panicked and confused because honestly. thats really how he registers to me bc i feel like it would be typical to have the fire power character be lookin all cool and sick with their flames but i feel like it would be cuter to imitate zanes character and since hes Baby and isnt very experienced with his powers yet i feel like it would be good instead to have him using his powers but not releasing any fire, just smoke coming out of his ears and lookin like hes gonna explode

i havent gotten to read the other books yet bc ive been stuck on reading the storm runner for sooo long but ill update this as i go before i can even start on it fjdnfndn

[femininebehavior]

since apparently you can get banned from tumblr for posting endgame spoilers instead of, yknow, actually being a reprihensible human shaped pile of SHIT, im going to trash this movie so fucking hard. ive been waiting for an excuse to rip this movie and its fan a new one

so basically it starts with tony stark being all emotional because hes dying in space but all the dramatic tension is removed because you already know hes going to live, and it’s also removed because tony stark is not a person people should feel emotional over. hes a pile of garbage given sentience, hes literally one of the worst characters in the mcu, which isnt saying a lot because any attempt by the writers and directors of the ACTUALLY GOOD MOVIES to make the characters interesting got flushed down the toilet in civil war and infinity war

so anyway captain marvel shows up, saves tony and nebula, then they make a plan to kill thanos because they found him. they find him, he says he destroyed the infinity stones, and thanos is dead 20 minutes into the movie. i applaud this choice because its actually genuinely funny. there are some parts of the movie that are enjoyable, and watching that purple scrotum chinned pile of refuse get his head chopped off was very enjoyable

then we move on to like 5 years later, scott lang aka antman finally comes out of the quantum realm or some shit, and thats when the seeds of time travel are planted. fun fact about time travel in this movie. it isnt like bill and ted time travel and it isnt like dbz time travel so it makes zero goddamned sense whatsoever. this is nothing new, time travel never makes any fucking sense, and trying to explain it will make even less sense than just fucking DOING the thing

anyway, they get the gang back together, hulk is now the unholy amalgamation of bruce banner and the hulk. he then dabs, blah blah blah, time travel bs, they get thor, hes fat now, his fatness is the focus of a lot of jokes that dont land and it just plays off like theyre making fun of fat people for being fat. his trauma is played for jokes, korg plays fortnite, blah blah blah.

so anyway while theyre Getting The Gang Back Together, tony has had a kid in the past 5 years. they really do a lot to humanize tony stark and the fact that he is happy with his current state in life where thanos won and hes trying to move on is very humanizing, which is odd considering that tony stark is a sub human pile of melted human waste

anyway, tony figures out time travel because they REALLY want him to be the hero instead of literally anyone else who is more deserving. they make stupid time travel suits which look ugly as shit and they wear over their normal costumes, which is really funny

the next like hour and a half of the movie plays out like a time travel comedy. tony and steve fuck up getting the space stone, they have to time travel AGAIN into steves past, he has an emotional moment seeing his former flame whose name i forgot because pretty much any mention of her past captain america 1 was to increase manpain. isnt fridging fun? speaking of fridging, they send clint and natasha to get the soul stone. because i said speaking of fridging, i assume youll be able to figure out the rest, but because i dont trust anyone who likes endgame to think critically about tropes, natasha dies so clint can get the soul stone. they really really REALLY could have done it the other way, but no, its not as emotional if a man dies for a woman or some bullshit. whatever, it was scarlett johansen so er character dying wasnt THAT much of a tragedy lmao

anyway everyone gets their stones, nebula gets captured by thanos of the past, and then a bunch of shit happens, new nebula from the past who still likes thanos brings him to the future, he starts going on and on and on about making a new universe and destroying this one. before that they make the infinity gauntlet, hulk snaps, brings everyone back, again... blah blah blah blah blah stupid shit that we all already knew was going to happen

anyway, thanos is back, because they REALLY didnt know how to introduce a villain that was good enough for this movie, whatever. they all go off to fight thanos, he beats thor captain america and tony stark up. the entire fight is 100% fanservice because as soon as other people show up from doctor stranges portals its a total EVERYONE IS HERE moment, which like. those are always enjoyable, every character from the past showing up to kick the bad guy in the dick. its a hard trope to fuck up and i congratulate the russo brothers for realizing this. captain america gets to hold mjolnir, he beats the shit out of thanos, thanos also gets to hold mjolnir, its just a giant 30 minute long fanservice party. everyone is here! blah blah i dont fucking care. anyway, the climax of the battle is thanos smacks spiderman out of the air while he has the new infinity gauntlet, he puts it on, and everyone starts making sure he doesnt snap. also captain marvels role in the movie is really really lame because she shows up for like the first 15 minutes, and then shows up for like the last 15 minutes. it fucking sucks, shes like the only good character in this entire movie.

anyway, tony steals the infinity stones, integrates them into his armor, snaps thanos and his buddies away, and then dies like a bitch. good riddance but also whatever, his death is treated like a totally emotional thing like hes redeemed himself even though hes basically done nothing to actually redeem himself except for killing thanos, which like, anyone could have done given the chance. it seriously pisses me off that they gave him the kill instead of someone who deserved it, like nebula. all signs were pointing to nebula and gamorrah from the past killing thanos, finally givng us some righteous feminine fury that this movie desperately needed. unfortunately, it doesnt happen. the battle is won, they have tonys funeral, and they remake the quantum time machine so they can let steve go back to return the infinity stones from whence they came. steve doesnt come back, and it looks like he got to live his full life like he wanted to, which i guess good for him because hes like one of the only good characters in the movie. seeing old man steve was nice, and he of all people deserved to be happy. the movie ends, everything is over, and i just wasted 3 hours and 10 dollars. congratulations me, you just wasted your life on a movie you knew you were going to hate.

anyway, whatever, tumblr ban me now, here’s my endgame spoilers. fuck you, and fuck you for banning people over shit like this instead of banning nazis and pedophiles.

[karkatjpg]

i dont really remember the last time i vented about antyhing aside from a cynical sentence or two but im really just having a hard time accepting how fucking dumb i am. it is a legitimate insecurity and it always has been. whether or not i fit well in academia doesnt matter if all you do is hop around in your self-aware pity puddles like thats gonna justify my laziness and exclude me from responsibility. im basically doing it right now again anyways. i dont know. im on depression meds but they just feel like an afterthought. my brain gets clouded up the minute im away from immediate stimulation. i feel tired and i lack a lot of foresight. i dont want to do anything about that, though. at least it looks that way. i never want to get better. so i shouldnt bitch about it. especially when im already entitled as it is. its so tiring. everything makes me so tired. im so fucking tired. i spew nothing but nonsense and i never make an effort to make more friends than i have. i dont take initiative. i dont want to take initiative. 

its just fucking lame at this point. i dont feel like im doing anything for myself, or im just gluing my feet to the floor. i dont feel hopeful, or optimistic. i just want to be alone and i cant talk about it with anybody. i dont know whats wrong with me. a lot is wrong with me. i think i can figure out everything thats wrong with me if i dug enough. i dont want to call the therapists number and schedule. i dont really think theres a point. there isnt a point. it wont help. and im doing the same shit ive done since i was in 7th grade. i just vent about it like its never ending even though the worst (which wasnt even bad) has passed. i just take whatever bad parts of my life i can find and internalize it and let it churn so i have something to feel bad about. this is really funny lol

its really funny how i havent even changed im still just shitting my pants all the time like a kid about any mild hardship i encounter

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[miraculousturtle]

ana, i remember last year you talked about never being in a relationship, and now you are in one (from what you said in your fic notes) if it isnt too much to ask how it happened? im almost 20 and ive never been on a date or even kissed anyone and i try not to be down about it but it gets to me. i do want to date someone but im embarrassed about my complete lack of experience.

hi anon! i’m not sure if i reblogged something, but I’ve been in a relationship for almost the last six years…so, i’m not sure how you came about that? I just don’t talk about my boyfriend too often on my blog, but Mr. Turtle is around! BUT i don’t mind answering your question regardless! 

ALSO FOR NEEDING ADVICE ABOUT DATING PEOPLE DESPITE YOU MIGHT NOT BE THE MOST EXPERIENCED PERSON, I GOT YOU. like literally, i got you. hit me up anytime and I can help you strategize and flirt and what not. lord knows I already do it for SOME PEOPLE ON THIS WEBSITE (you know exactly who you are) 

anyway, first and foremost: hey, it’s okay to be lonely. that’s totally normal sometimes when you are interested in people and want that type of companionship in your life. and it sucks balls when you don’t get that kind of companionship when you think everyone else is. 

(real quick, here is a tl;dr poem thing about how he and i met.)

i started dating Mr. Turtle a week after my 20th birthday. He’s currently my third boyfriend and we’ve been together for about 20% of my life thus far. But, at first, I was not interested in him. What so ever. 

Having been in love twice before in high school and had my heart broken twice, as a result, I wasn’t looking for love per say, but I met him in summer school my second year of college. we both had the same japanese class and lived in the same apartment complex not far from campus. but because i went to school in the middle of the damn desert, I decided to drive to school that day and it was super, super hot outside so i offered to drive him home. 

when i first met mr. turtle, i thought he was this weird kid who wore a stupid beanie and sweatshirt in the middle of summer who was super standoffish. i didn’t really like talking to him at all. 

we met again a few months later in fall because he and i partied in the same circles with the international students. slowly by seeing him every weekend, I was seeing him as less of a dick, but he still had stupid hair that covered up his whole face and I wasn’t attracted to him.

now, i like to preface this by saying that at this point, i was thinking he and i could be good friends because he was really smart and we were in the same major at the time and had a few classes together. he was also really good at philosophy, his other major, and i needed help with homework. 

and on one fateful day he was supposed to help me with my essay, i met him at the local dining hall, and lo and behold, there was mr. turtle. with a new haircut. 

i could see his face.he actually had a handsome face?!?!

i asked if i could touch his hair and that, my friend, was the shift in our relationship lmao (i swear, he loves to tell this story to embarrass me, but truly, he had the world’s dumbest haircut prior to fateful haircut day)

after that point, i had begun to see him in this handsome light because while i liked him enough as a person, i wasn’t that attracted to him, but then I could really see his smile and his eyes and I was like oh. 

we began talking more and chatting. he’d send me pictures of his sister’s rings because they were like the ones i wore and we would start to plan when we would go to the parties together. 

as a joke one night, he called me wifey which made me go “!!!!!” because oh shit, i wasn’t his wifey, let alone his girlfriend, but i’m not sure what we betted on, but i lost the bet and i told him I would make him food. 

at this point, i super liked this dweeb and i felt dumb and it was awful, but you know what? I wasn’t gonna let that stop me! THIS WAS IT. THIS WAS MY TIME. 

so, i made the world’s spiciest bean soup. AND I AM TALKING THERE WERE BEANS IN THIS SOUP. ALMOST MORE BEANS THAT BROTH AND LOTS OF SIRACHARA. IT WAS AN ANGRY RED AND i marched my way to his apartment and I gave him the soup and he was going to walk inside and just as he was walking away, 

i stopped him. with “wait! hold on! I have to tell you something.” 

he turned to me, carrying my pot of infamous bean soup, “i figured, what is it?”

“i–i–I really like you and um, you don’t have to say anything back, but yeah.” 

and he acknowledged my confession and went on his merry way. 

but i wasn’t rejected outright because we kept talking and talking (i guess his roommate told him to go for it because look, i’m the girl who made bean soup) 

and a couple nights before my 20th birthday i was out with my sorority sisters and he asked if he could walk me home. which he did when i got the front of my apartment complex and he came inside and we hung out and talked on my balcony in late winter. we also jumped over my first-floor balcony and laughed and had fun and we fell asleep on my couch with his head on my lap. 

he came to my surprise party that i knew about (i had invited him myself) and on my actual birthday when i was hungover as shit, he asked me if wanted to go to to dinner and i said sure, but i was going to go to mass first lmao because my birthday fell on a sunday. (he had never been to mass in english before and he knew none of the prayers lol)

so, yeah, our first date was at church where i fell asleep on his shoulder and we later got pho. and he came back to my apartment and he almost kissed me, but then he asked to spend the night and we fell asleep with our clothes on with my buddha fairy lights like super death cuddling (oh god, it was awful)

a week later he asked me out a date date after he spent almost every night at my house and after a wonderful conversation about death over pizza, he later asked me to be his girlfriend and we have been together ever since. 

but the morals of the story are: 1) sometimes look at people a little differently, if you only see them as a friend, that’s all you’ll ever see them. you don’t have to fall magically in love with them, but at least think on it. you could be surprised just like how he and i have been. 2) IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE, TELL THEM. the confession is most likely going to be dumb, but once someone knows you think about them differently, that might make them see you different too. 3) don’t waste your time on someone who won’t seem like a good friend. if you can’t be friends with someone, don’t date them. 4) it’s going to be awkward and weird and different, but also fun and exciting. just roll with it. don’t think too much about it. and most importantly, 5) LOVE DOESN’T HAPPEN IF YOU STAY ON THE SIDELINES, look at people differently, smile at people, be friendly, make that shit happen. it’s going to be scary and hard, but the best way to change one’s relationship status is to be the change you want to be. 

bonus: you can try to set things up by say flirting or being more opened minded, but the more you try to force love, the less likely it will happen. just have fun and meet people you’d like to meet. once you’re able to be comfortable and be friends, love blooms really easily, i find. 

but yes, this how mr. turtle and i came to be. it was awkward and dumb and lame, but it will be six years in march and i love him very much. he’s my rock and makes me very happy.

[teddy-feathers]

Saw a post "what would you say to your ten year old self?" so... Dont worry so much about being the odd kid out those people are pretty lame and hell dude youll learn this long before you can put it into words but people generally like you if you actively listen to them... But yeah they dont really get invested back. So do what YOU like always. Dont hold back, you did okay about that but theres no point feeling like you're failing. Being social ISNT essential and youre not missing out on much really because again THEYRE kinda lame dude. Like seriously theyre not interested about your books or games or dont want to geek out WITH you? Then... Whats the point? And it sucks i know but you were right all along - do you. Fuck bras, fuck caring about weight, appearance, what other people think about how you look act and like especially fuck your aunt whos going to make you doubt that. Because honestly? Image of you reflecting on the family? ISNT a fucking thing except in very specific instances and you already KNOW that. Look I'm over twice your age now and let me tell you may be i feel a bit weird when i dress uber sloppy/comfy and its the same feeling I get when I dress "fun" but ive never regreted being comfortable in what I wanted to wear. But every time I dress for someone else? For how I should dress? Completely felt like shit the whole time not worth it. Another thing you were right about. The whole "like men but not going to missout on true love or whatever if they happen to be a girl or more than one person or something" THAT yes. Also you dont like guys. Its gross sex stuff I know you dont care about right now, but I know youll want to know in about two years so I'll just say - you dont give two fucks about whats in the other persons pants, what they look like or anything. Hell youre only demiromantic let alone sexual. Hmmm that may not be helpful youre ten and like i said you wont care for two years so how about... You want strong friendships. That love. Sex. Well you know. Youll figure it out and try it out long before youre really ready to know but thats okay. Just. Dont feel bad or obligated to like people back. You just dont and thats okay. You can date friends or not date. No biggy. But that thing youre craving is friendship and youll get it. Dont settle for less though. Another thing youre right about - I'm telling you the things youre RIGHT about so hopefully you REMEMBER them instead of doubting yourself - you dont want to be the center of someones world. You dont want to be responsible for other peoples happiness and YOU DONT HAVE TO BE EVER. And you dont need or have to want anyone to fill you up either. Its totally okay to just want to be you, do your thing, and make friends. I know, i said they were lame right? They dont share your interests. They dont listen. They dont care. I know. It sucks. But dont try to please them by changing you. Dude you meet so many wonderful people who do like things you like. Just. Make friends with people you like. Yes theyre scary and your definition of cool. Its better than being the token girl, making friends with gross people youd rather avoid. News flash: boys arent cool. Girls arent evil. Asshats are asshats reguardless of gender. Again just go talk to people you like and fuck everyone else. Now the really important thing. You love to read. Keep doing that. Steal all the time and dont regret it im so proud of you for being that person. Write. Write your stories and poetry, pretend its class notes, invest in a notebook cause lose paper gets soooo messy and crumples but yeah. Keep writing. No you dont have to know spelling or grammer or anything. Write whatever you want. People who think its stupid? LAME people trust me I know so many COOL talented people now and writing? Writing is cool. And youre good at it. You dont have to share it. But dont think its cringy or stupid. Write. Its really good and... I gave up thinking like that. And now? Now Ive been writing for about a year now. 26 and i have days where every word is a struggle and it sounds bland and boring but... In a year? Ive gotten so much better and people actually like some of my shit. So you just imagine if you keep writing? By the time youre me youll actually have published if you keep going. Keep writing. Because youll have had ten plus years of experience. Lastly... Its okay to not like shit. To be angry upset bored... Yes it makes things easier to find reasons to like what youre doing even though its sucky chores or doing things you didn't want to be doing... But you can hate it. To not what to put up with it. You dont have to shove yourself into a cage and smile and pretend things are okay. Being in trouble doesnt mean your wrong or have to change. Oh hey see if you can learn that sometimes youre not the one in trouble. They are ;) Youre stong. Smart. Clever. Creative. Pretty. Tough. You're a hard worker. Yeah I know I always tried to get out of doing things but dude You - I - We've never done things by halfs. Tend to give our all. No wonder we dont want to do anything huh? Its exhausting. But we keep going. We're stubborn. And... Theres going to be a lot of shit we're going to go through but... Youre always going to make it out to the other side. Youre going to be okay I promise. ... Lying is a problem with us but thats okay. You know why lying what we're always doing? Its because they made the truth the problem for us. If you can... It'll change things and I cant promise you it'll be for the better but... Only lie to protect yourself. Tell the truth when YOU trust people, not to the people you "should" trust - never do things just because you "should" listen to your gut and do what YOU feel is okay or not. - but do try to be honest about other people to yourself and to others. Dont... Lie to protect people. Maybe thingsll get easier if you do. You know how your parents treat you like the worst combination of adult and child? That never changes. Because theyre just kids too. I know they feel like they know and experienced so much so they must be right and you must be wrong but... Theyre kids figuring it out as they go along so SURE theyre right that they fooled you into believing it. They have a good prespective to work from but so do you. Theyre never yelling about you. Its never about you. They love you but that doesnt mean your dads not an asshole. Your moms not always wrong she just gives up arguing. Theyre arguing about the fact they suck at talking to one another and that they each always have to have thier way. It has nothing to do with you. Fuck grades. Just learn what you want. Also just do everything in school and then "do home work" - that is whatever the fuck you want - at home. You DONT have to be busy doing something productive every second but sense thats how they seem to want it, just use it against them. Youre "busy" on "homework" that you already had done so just play you game read write whatever. Fuck grades though. You learn better when you stop caring about them. Dont get sucked into dads humor even if you mean it positively or as a joke. YES its awesome that some people date the same gender as them. YES some girls dont have what you think - think not know - of as girl parts in their pants. YES people cross dress. Hell do it like youre going to want to. It IS fun. But dont CARE or deride people about whats in their pants or who theyre doing what with. Oh and some people DONT want to do anything sexual with anyone. Again. Dont laugh. Because guess what? Youre one of them. Do your "dumb kid shit". Just do it. Brag about it. Laugh at anyone who gives you shit cause theyre LAME for not liking it. Trust me. Also cussing - dude youre an adult and can do what you want... Though its WAY more fun to use made up curse I promise. Snail snot. Holey socks. Fudge it all to fudgedom hall up on old fudge hill. I know. Not much of a cheat sheet and a lecture to rivial any dads ever given. But... I still dont have all the answers. And thats okay. And even if you follow all this only YOU can control and experience YOUR life. If you actually get to read this... Youll grow up into someone different. Just as different if I told you in detail what happens from then to now. People who give you road maps and tell you to avoid the pot holes... They just make you feel like shit because you SEE it coming and do it anyways. So do you. Keep some of this in mind maybe. Youll be pretty cool either way even on the days you dont feel like it. Be safe Teddy (best nickname btw just saying)

[sightofsea]

this is rly dumb and there is the HUGE chance im going to regret this but ok

basically when i was 15 i wrote an approx. 200k OC doctor who fanfiction featuring a kind of half self insert/half attempt to subvert mary sue comapnion stereotypes named jenna quigley. and ive been thinking about it more lately like the general storyline bc like. idk. n i figured i should write it out.

i should mention this is all 11th doctor era bc i was a huge fan at that time, and it takes place between that time he leaves amy n rory to when he does his farewell tour bc i wanted to try n add some canonical irony that ill get to later

so basically its all narrated from jenna pov as kind of stories she’s telling to the tardis database via recording. why, we don’t know yet. she;s. ok so in the plot she was from our universe n was an AVID fan of the show which like tacky i know but whatever. she starts out 15 and in basically my house and neighborhood (this fic started from a constant daydream i would have of going on adventures w the doctor bc i was a nerdy 15 yo so like. sue me) and there have been a disturbing amount of disappearances in the surrounding area that local police are stuck on. so everyones kinda afraid to go out into their own homes and at one point, jenna is doing something out in her backyard and actually witnesses one of the abductions, but is surprised to see the kidnapper looks like the silence, aka the television show shes been watching. she thinks shes going bonkers. her family leave her alone for the day to go to a thing for one of her siblings and she’s just kind of ruminating on this event when--lo and behold, an officer arrives at her door.

and jenna, she’s very skeptical about this guy. like, given recent events she doesnt trust her own eyes. and the guy is...off. like his badge n credentials, if she concentrates, looks like something else for a flash of a second, and for some reason the figure of him is kind of hazy whenever jenna tries to look directly at him. he is shown to have a quirky, friendly demeanor n jenna figures well, i gotta tell someone about what ive seen, so she invites him in. they have a brief chat n its obvious to the reader that this guy is someone VERY familiar (mostly due to my bad writing at the time) and jenna begins to explain what she saw and how its like this one show she watches, and this guy suddenly becomes very very interested in this before realizing he’s got it all pieced together and asks for jenna’s help in navigating the area to find what is, ultimately, a silence space ship.

jenna agrees and over time realizes this guy is most definitely connected to something in the whoniverse and originally believes he might be a time agent bc that seems more likely given their number as they travel to the ship. its also revealed that the officer has brought jenna along bc the key thing about what she saw is that she actually remembers the silence and can see past perception filters due to the qualities of alternate universe, slightly alternate brain chemistry and so on. its not exactly perfect--she can’t get through perception filters rly, especially good ones--but its enough to know something is wrong n remember certain things others from the dw universe might not be able to like the actual silence aliens themselves.

anyway they make their way to the ship, which has come through a massive tear in reality that the officer came through. in the fic lore i guess tears are seen as usually benign things meant to leak ideas of universes into other universes as a kind of waste disposal system, and as a side effect create inspiration in those who are close to them. this tear, though, became too big, kind of like a leaky pipe, and actual material was able to get through by keeping a frequency from both ends of the tear as a kind of safety rope. and to maintain their energy as a stranded ship the silence have been using humans as batteries. i put a lot of thought into this, i know.

SO once theyre in the ship the “”officer”” (we know who he is by now lets just face it) and jenna are captured n separated. jenna is held hostage and it is revealed she is a part of a second half of the “silence will fall when the question is asked” prophecy which goes “the unexpected shall follow the guided task” (i loved rhymes) which is further revealed to the be the following: change the timeline and destroy the doctor. and jenna, being jenna, is like “listen u guys i dont even know the guy so uh failed step one i guess”. she’s saved by the “”officer”” in the nick of time through work of faulty electrical work (like? i know its for style but the silence have all those lights on the floor n it is VERY dangerous) so the whole ship is blacked out n she hears the differently pitched speech patterns (”why do u sound all different” “they took my equipment nevermind lets go”) and after doing some work to reverse the frequency and basically make the ship implode back into its original universe they run back to jenna’s home in the dark, seeing as she was out for quite a bit. her family is conveniently not home yet n decided to hang out with some friends. and when she gets back n is finally in the light SURPRISE!!! turns out the officer was the doctor all along in disguise from the silence using a perception filter. 15 year old me was a literary genius.

n u might think hannah this is rly long is it done now and of course it isnt!! that was just the intro!! after the initial shock jenna kind of parses what era the doctor is from, which is pre-silencio but after finding out about it n in that 200 yr stretch that was never rly shown. and jenna’s like, a whole season ahead of him basically and knows all this stuff and is trying to engage with this guy she’s a huge fan of without like accidentally spilling the beans on his future. she sits him down to explain the whole tv show thing n lets him watch an episode while she goes to her room to pack like clothes n her laptop because its not every day the doctor just flies in and she’s 15 so shes like hellz yeah im gonna be a COMPANION not even THINKING of the consequences in terms of the multiverse, the prophecy and her family (she does leave a note but its self centered n kinda lame tbh just like be back whenever). afterwards she walks the doctor back to the tardis and is like so where we gonna go n the doctor looks at her like jenna you are a literal child im not taking you anywhere and jenna though some MASTERY of writing that was basically hey look over there! and doing it anyway sneaks into the tardis when the doctor isnt looking n becomes his stowaway.

for the next few weeks she just kind of chills in the tardis with this fear that the doctor will immediately bring her back home so might as well have fun and kinda sneaks around him and keeps couch hopping from room to room. the tardis does not like her one bit due to the whole different universe funky energies thing (and this was pre-clara and i really wanted to see a companion the tardis didnt like so) and has multiple conversations with it via the interface hologram which meant i could write cameos for classic companions and write the tardis as a character bc i was a nerd.

SO after weeks of casually avoiding the doctor eventually she gets caught by him and hes not happy about it so shes like well ok then send me home n then she gets the real kicker which is the tears all mended up. after the material was put back in place it went back to being benign n too small for anything to travel between. so jenna basically stuck in this foreign universe with a very slim chance of returning back to her old life and her family and friends and she mistakes the doctors anger at the situation for anger at her so shes like basically im all alone here oh god n has a crisis n has a dramatic run off into the bowels of the tardis hallways

eventually the doctor finds her and they bond over being kind of the last of their kind in a way and he takes a kind of fatherly role and is like well youre already here and im miserable on my own so why dont we two birds one stone it n just go on adventures for the time being and takes a kind of fatherly platonic role with jenna bc i was sick of seeing companions hook up with the doctor and was confused as to why they wanted to hook up with him (spoiler alert: huge lesbian)

so they set off on their adventures. the first one was about the doctor and jenna accidentally boarding a ship of genetically engineered soldiers called evos being shipped off to a galactic war and finding out some of them had rebelled and had been camping out in the ships underbelly. they had no mouths but were able to communicate via sign language n empath touch powers of transferable memories. the captain was a bitch who didnt see the evos as living things n eventually in a stand off either offered them a chance for the other, still podded evos to live and for them all to live a horrible life or have the podded evos be ejected into space in return for them to have a chance to fight for their freedom. the choice ended up coming down to jenna, somehow, i think, and she chose freedom and cost the lives of like 200 evos but were able to get the ones they were able to save (about, like, 100 i think) to safety and create their own civilization away from harm on a distant planet and their success and triumph to live their own lives i guess canceled out the fact that jenna played a part in the deaths of 200 beings. it was. i dont even know 

the next “episode” after a brief interlude of less impactful adventures and discussing mortality was a sherlock crossover episode that im too embarrassed to go into detail about but did reveal jenna’s newly formed abandonment issues due to her stranded in a strange universe situation and the fact she had a self harm problem that, surprise, mirrored mine. her n the doctor went on some more adventures over the next few months that were mentioned in passing. it should be noted that this first “act” i guess takes place over a solid year

the next episode featured river song bc i was gay for her without knowing it and i had just learned about easter island in history class and i decided to expand on one of the adventures said in passing during the series to kind of root my fic in canon bc i was a smarmy bitch. it involved being perceived as gods and the silence and using the flesh as a means of luring villagers to be used as human batteries and also putting a percetion filter on the ship so what was actually a crater was perceived to be a mountain. through this episode we saw the doctor again facing his own mortality, river sitting jenna down after a series of events pieced together her abandonment issues n harm problem n being like you cant rely on the doctor for this alone trust me i know its fun but when it starts ending it wont be. jenna gets kidnapped again by the silence n is reproduced as flesh to try and steer the doctor n river away from saving the day but overcomes that impulse and eventually pulls herself out of it and helps save things.

this episode also imports an important plot device of misplacement, which i shouldve put in earlier if im honest. the basic idea of it, within the fic lore, was that the universe, multiverse, whatever had to compensate for temporal displacement all the time when choices were made, but when big things that would alter history happened--like a giant supposed mountain blowing up 200 years after it had already blew up--it had a fail safe to transport the object causing the harm to the exact place but in a different time where the event would have less of a temporal impact. theres also an important note here where the doctor doesnt recall jenna being with him on their first adventure together. both are setting up the larger plot.

after the deal with the kidnapping and the flesh and all their adventures the doctor becomes kind of protective of jenna because i mean the dude also has abandonment issues like lets be real. so he kind of tones down the danger in fear of jenna dying or getting hurt. i mean, its been a year and theyve kind of become these friends who snark at each other like a family would and its nice that jenna has this person she can trust because she watched the show and like, knows him and knows his tells and calls him out on his bullshit before he can even get started and feels a kind of responsibility for due to the prophecy she was given and the doctor has someone to talk to and someone he also doesnt have to hide from really because she already knows almost everything. theyve been equally protective of each other--jenna keeping the doctor in the dark about the prophecy about her and keeping mum on the fact that she knows he isnt going to die, and the doctor worrying about jenna’s safety and trying not to screw her up like he has past companions to kind of try to atone for his past mistakes and make it up to this girl whose life he kind of unintentionally ruined. ok honestly idk why im getting in depth but i spent. years on this fic you dont understand

so. after a while jenna just kind of calls the doctor out like come on lets at least go somewhere fun and end up spending christmas eve in new york in the forties and befriend this newly single mother and jenna fakes a REALLY BAD accent to get across that her n the doctor are related n poor to gain sympathy. they do all the things she wants like times square and macy’s, where surprise! she sees amy n rory n their son and just kind of like. guides them away from the doctor like guys. this aint ur guy. and it would fuck EVERYTHING up also hi i know your guys’s entire life story, cute kid, etc. they give jenna some advice dealing w the doctor and she tells them that she’ll try her best to make sure he doesnt like, go self hating n all that bullshit n they part ways. her n the doctor meet up again and throughout this whole first part jenna’s been noticing people following her? with like, these weird orange-y eyes. and she thinks like fuck ok this’ll ruin the adventure, maybe theyll leave but they end up starting to go after her and reveal themselves to be a species called the visicheck

after escaping and dumpster diving because the visicheck hunt based on scent, jenna and the doctor start heading towards the single mother’s place for refuge (she had seen their situation n offered a place to spend christmas eve) and on the cab ride over the doctor explains that the visicheck r these ancestors of the family of blood, and basically are lifeless specks that latch onto living things and possess them until they burn them out and move onto the next one. they consume what is the basic energy a thing needs to exist and be alive, and for different species there’s different levels. lets say a dw universe human is ur basic ten on the scale. because of different circumstances in different universes, jenna is basically a 120 on the scale. like, these things could possess her body and use it for centuries to wreck havoc with the kind of energy she holds. and jenna, thinking about the prophecy of changing the timeline and also not wanting to basically be the living dead is like yeah ok fuck this is bad. 

they find some brief refuge in the single mothers apartment for a time and enjoy a lovely christmas eve dinner but eventually the visicheck catch up to them. the doctor escorts the single mother n her kid into a cab to get as far away as possible while jenna is just supposed to keep holed up in the apartment, but things arent so easy and they end up breaking in. she’s able to hit them over the head with a pan n kind of stave them off for a bit and heads for the roof, but is eventually backed into a circle. knowing the visichek can’t possess something that is dead and not wanting to potentially endanger the universe just to keep her life jenna jumps off the building in a dramatic fashion that i wrote to play with the carol of the bells because i thought it was cool, and you know what? it was. it really was.

and so jenna dies

at least for a bit

she wakes up in the tardis, rly confused because like, she died. like she knows she did. and the doctors not speaking n acting all broody and she finally gets the story out of him that after she died (posted as an anonymous person in the newspaper, i should note, and put in an unnamed grave to keep the whole “written in stone” thing in line) he kind of. went off on his own for a bit before rly hating himself for letting jenna die right in front of him and went back to catch and save her before she landed, therefore altering the events as it happened. and jenna is...not happy about this. like, one bit. because, in a twist of fate, because she is both living and dead the universe must compensate by going to misplacement, but jenna can’t fully complete the misplacement “”process”” i guess until she is in the exact location she is misplaced from, only different time and all, and in this case she’s in the tardis which almost always has its shields up, so she can’t even complete that bit. so, as explained, the universe will start the process over whenever the tardis decides to fly off again, and send jenna to a different time within the tardis’s general vicinity.

basically, she’s gonna be stuck hopping around the doctor’s timeline. like, all of it, until she finally meets up with the right doctor who knows her n has been past this point. which could take years for her. and, mind you, the task she was “assigned” in the prophecy was to change the timeline, and as a result destroy the doctor. so this is basically jenna’s worst nightmare, and she finally spills the beans about the prophecy in a fit of anger before trying to say goodbye and being whisked off

and this is where the angst stuff happens

basically, for the next year or so (when i rewrite in my head its two years, makes more sense) jenna is thrown around one end of the universe to the other, trying to stay out of the way of the doctor’s events while also trying to, you know, survive and eat and drink and sleep. she’s basically a homeless vagabond for most of it, and her abandonment issues and self harming kind of escalate. she begins leading a really lonely life, and grows this kind of love/hate relationship with the doctor where she really hopes to see him again but also grows bitter against him for putting him in this situation. she visits companions before their time with the doctor, like donna, by accident and stumbles through meeting them and trying to just keep going. in her loneliness she starts talking to a version of the doctor in her head, which starts taking more and more of a form to her before its a fully grown kind of hallucination she’s created out of loneliness (which was kind of based off of me being a lonely kid and having pretend conversations with characters to simulate human connection which is. sad. i know. really sad. its a lot). 

for a time jenna is stuck with the doctor and martha during the months leading up to human nature/the family of blood, and inadvertently meets martha and gets a job at the school as a fellow maid through helping martha drag the doctor to the place. she figures its the only stability she’ll have for a while and since she was never shown in the show it isnt rly affecting the most important bits of the timeline, and resolves to stay as far away from john smith as she can and just live out her life until the events of the episodes start happening and she’ll vamoose. she adopts an accent to blend in and when she has free time finds the stashed away tardis, which initially does not recognize jenna as a companion until finding archived recordings from the future bc duh its a time machine, which brings the whole pov thing full circle, and interacts with the interface to get answers about her growing questions about the silence and her situation and learns about a device called the cage, which has been alluded to in previous “episodes” only by name, as a great machine created by the silence that is meant to basically make it so that anything inside of it would be erased for existence, past present and future, using energy form the cracks in the universe. this was still at a point in the actual series where we knew nothing so i just kind of went buckwild.

anyways

jenna ends up having to interact with the tenth doctor as john smith once, and kind of aims all of her bitterness towards her future self at him and realizes that isnt fair, apologizes, and has a cathartic moment of finally moving past a grudge with the wrong version of the doctor. eventually the events of the episodes start happening and she vamooses before getting sent off to god knows where again, yippee

eventually through the next year jenna kind of begins to rly lose hope. like, it’s been a year already, she doesn’t know if she can keep living like this. so she makes a deal with herself to wait out until the end of this second year of time travelling vagabonding before she decides to off herself to save herself and the universe the trouble. 

she keeps going through the motions and actually stumbles upon a future, post-silencio doctor, with rory and amy in tow, and in a fit of like oh my god relief she kind of runs up to him and is like i found you, finally, holy shit n the doctor looks at her like im sorry but i dont...know you? like i genuinely dont know who you are. you might have ur timelines all switched up. and jenna knows this isnt true and freaks out and kind of just is like, theres like fifteen days until the deadline, all hope is lost, gonna just completely self destruct n cuts her hair and stops eating, but on the day of the actual deadline she keeps stalling as she zaps from place to place before finally deciding to end how it should end by jumping off a building n she has this heartfelt convo with this imaginary figure thats kept her company all this time

so she makes the journey up this apartment building in this basically abandoned future...chicago, i think? yeah. and you know, is about to do when whaddaya know, a familiar voice is calling out for her. she thinks its just the hallucination but eventually realizes that its actually the doctor, one that knows her, and they have this really heartfelt hug before she punches him square in the face

after the fact is a lot of secret keeping on jenna’s side. she doesnt want to be a burden and just kind of wants things to eventually get back to normal after a period of just resting finally and lies about her time being thrown around the doctors timeline, telling him it was only a few months instead of two years, and hiding the evidence of her self harm and other forms of self destruction to try and get things back to the way they were. the doctor can see through jenna’s bullshit though and over a month of just kind of chilling in the tardis and getting better she eventually tells him and after being pulled into an adventure with alien bees and a prison break and characters very much based off of the captor brothers from homestuck they kind of find their original rhythm

the next adventure was the one where i stopped writing mostly bc the plot absolutely sucked. it was a beach adventure episode, involving aliens and aliens who were mermaids and being stranded on a remote island. also, at the time i was going through a sexuality crisis and decided jenna was gonna go through it too and made her realize she was gay for one of the alien mermaids and totally made out with her. you can see how the plot was failing a bit, and the only thing i dont regret is the whole mermaid makeout thing really. 

the rest of the series from that point on was supposed to go something like this: jenna has to go back to her old high school, except in the dw universe, and finds out she actually doesn’t exist in this universe??? which is weird. the doctor plays teacher and they live in the prop attic of the school investigating a counselor that literally feeds off of emotions until the students are a husk and die. there was going to be a filler where the doctor and jenna start the doctors farewell tour (it is revealed when they finally find each other at the end of the timeline jumping debacle that the doctor has like two years left until silencio happens, with like a hundred years passing between new york n finding jenna) and the doctors mortality is discussed and jenna begins to wonder what happens to her since she isnt at the event or anything going forward, and begins to worry about the prophecy again.

the finale of jenna’s adventures was supposed to go like this: they end up tackling the silence again, only with the help of the cage, after jenna notices the doctor beginning to forget more and more things about her. they get captured and the silence plan to place the doctor in the cage and eradicate him from existence so that the question to be asked never existed to begin with. i hadnt figured out how yet, but basically jenna would finally click everything together and realize it was her destiny to do this, and even had a better chance since it eradicated her from this universe, and she still had a life in another one and could maybe start over and appreciate her family and friends a bit more, and would pull a switcheroo so that she would be put in the cage and slowly eradicated from existence. from that point the silence ship would kind of go haywire from the power being used by the cage and jenna would drag the incapicitated doctor back to the tardis and saying she has to go record something real quick, and then we dont hear from her again.

last scene would be of the doctor, years and years into the future, during one of his alone periods, sifting through the tardis database and happening upon the archived recording files and listening to them, not remembering exactly but living through these events with a person that was there but also never there to begin with, and the last recording being an actual face recording of jenna saying you know, she doesnt regret a minute of it, go out there and have a nice life and dont feel bad for her before saying goodbye and zapping out of existence.

last “scene” i guess would be a fifteen year old jenna, rather than the 18-19 year old we’ve come to know, waking up the day it all started and realizing she accidentally napped through the whole day when her parents wake her up. it seems apparent she doesn’t remember a thing, but her parents say something offhand that wouldve been a prolific line and she has a sense of deja vu and hints towards her someday maybe remembering but also having a chance to live a life without the trauma of her life lead in the other universe

+

so uh yeah. idk why i decided to write all of this. actually i do i have an essay i have to write but. idk this fic was a huge part of my life for like. a good amount of time and despite its tackiness im actually very proud of it and just wanted to share its story without having anyone ever have the link to it and read it because despite my careful planning i did narrate like a superwholock for most of it and it was REALLY annoyin. but this fic and the character of jenna actually helped me work through a lot of my own bullshit and im still kind of in love with it. and in the years to come actually m*ffat fucking used these plot points like the tardis hating the companion n the doctor forgetting about a companion like years after i wrote this shit but i think i wrapped up the cracks in the universe n silence thing pretty fucking well so uh. petition for fifteen year old me to rewrite the last half of season 6 i guess. anyway its 2 in the morning and i just wrote honest to god a full 5,000 words about my doctor who oc fanfiction so uh. yeah. fuck.

[yourcertainstudentlight-blog]

can not afford a 2018 health insurance plans

"can not afford a 2018 health insurance plans

can not afford a 2018 health insurance plans

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can not afford a 2018 health insurance plans

What is the best kind of health insurance for fertility treatment?

Shopping for insurance and would like an honest answer from the people. I know I will be seeing a fertility specialist and doing lots of lab tests. Does anyone know which kind of insurance would best fit my needs? fyi, I live in northern California. Would a health savings account work?""

How much does car insurance cost?

I'm a male in Connecticut under the age of 25 and I wanna get a new car. Can anyone give me a ball park figure?

Which will cost more to insure? 00-04 mustang base or 00-04 mustang gt?

I'm 17 and live in New York. Been driving with a clean record for one year and I currently pay $100/month on my mom's '10 camry. I want to get my own car and I have narrowed everything down to a mustang, but I can't decide between a base model or a gt. I have discounts on my current policy such as good student and drivers ed. I will also take a defensive driving course for an added discount and the new car will also bring about a multi-car policy discount which will be helpful. My mom will be contributing the same $100 towards the car as she is now and the rest I have to pay for by myself. I have heard that the base and gt will cost about the same to insure, but that doesn't seem right considering that the gt has 100+hp more than the base, but people have supported that by saying the base models are involved in more crashes among young drivers. So can anybody set the record straight for me? Please don't give me responses saying that only my insurance agent can tell me that or too high for you to afford. Also would it be a wise decision to drop collision coverage for a huge insurance discount? I don't plan on racing this car.""

Do you think i could get a used car and insurance with under $3k?

i really need a car to get around, i have full time job, n part-time student. It's getting to my nerves that whenever i need to go somewhere, i have to ask my brother or sister to take me. Yes i am a student 18 yo, i don't have much money, and my parents refuse to buy me a car, reason because my mom said insurance is too expensive, and she doesn't give a shitt about me. Do you think i could get it anywhere? i was thinking about buying the car 1st then insurance later on because i can't afford it. idk what should i do?""

First time car buyer...getting car insurance.?

i am about to buy my first car and of course i will be getting car insurance. i won't be getting on anyone else's policy. what should i expect when getting insurance? do i have to pay a bunch of money up front?

Is it typically cheaper to pay car insurance monthly ? semiannually? or annually?

Is it typically cheaper to pay car insurance monthly ? semiannually? or annually?

How much would car insurance AAA cost for a 16 years old?

Thanks

How to get cheaper car insurance for a new young driver?

I passed my test the other day but ive been looking for hours trying to find some cheap car insurance on a 1.2 ford ka but all the quotes im getting are minimum 3-4 thousand pound and some are even quoting up to 8 thousand ! Im 17 and male does anyone know where to get relatively cheap insurance something between 1000-2000 pound? or any methods that are used to get cheaper car insurance?

Aircraft insurance rates with DUI/DWI?

If one is a partner in a small airplane, what effect would a potential DUI/DWI have on current insurance rates?""

Whats the cheapest car insurance YOU have ever paid?

Whats the cheapest car insurance YOU have ever paid?

Which is a better career..A realtor or A insurance agent ??

what the average income of a insurance agent?? who makes more money??

""Is it illegal to drive a right hand drive car in america, and if not would the insurance be high?""

i just got a deal on a skyline r33 for sale in japan, and it is dirt cheap, so i was thinking about buying it and importing it, but it is right hand drive and i am a little concerned about laqs and insurance, does anyone have any ideas about this kind of thing?, please help, it is the car of my dreams""

Do I need to include a speeding ticket that got reduced to a moving violation on a new insurance policy?

I am trying to get a quote for insurance and it asked if I have had any tickets. i did get pulled over and got a ticket once, but I had a lawyer get it reduced to a moving violation so it wouldnt affect my insurance at the time. do i need to mention it when i try to get insurance somewhere else?""

Do I need to change my Car Insurance? What do i need to do?

I am a foreign student in United States. I stayed at California for 2 years. Now, I moved to Indiana State. I have a car Insurance with California address. My License plate is still California's. Do I need to do anything with my insurance? When I tried to do a trial quote for changing address at Geico, the quote for new address is almost 2 times more expensive than the old one. I don't know what to do. I believe Indiana Auto insurance must be cheaper than that of California. Should I just cancel it and start a new one? Do I still need to do anything with DMV?""

Someone hit my car...will my insurance rise?

Someone hit my car last week and got a ticket. She received a ticket. Someone also hit my car a few months ago. Their fault. Is my insurance going to go up because of this second one. I imagine it wouldn't since her insurance will take care of my car but I'm not sure.

Isn't it time the insurance companies stopped ripping us off?

Just how annoyed am I... I've been unemployed for 4 months and receive income based job-seekers allowance,we don't have enough to live on and finding a job seems harder than ever just now.My car had an engine problem and both the Tax and M.O.T had run out,with so little money coming in I thought it best to do without the car until I get working again so I scrapped it.I called my insurer to freeze my policy and was told that I could only freeze it for 30 days and would still have to pay the monthly 20, then I would have to cancel if I didn't get another car by the end of the 30 days,cancelling will cost me 90. What the hell,how am I supposed to find the money and isn't it time these greedy companies were asked to explain why they need to charge ridiculous amounts of money for doing nothing other than posting a letter,they also charge 35 to change the policy onto another car which I find a bit hard to swallow. Why though,why do they have to charge so much in these hard economic times""

I'd like a bigger bike but what will the insurance cost me?

I'm looking to trade in my 125cc for a bigger bike, most likely a 600cc, but I'm wondering what the insurance will be considering I have 3 points on my license for speeding. I'm looking to get it for my 18th, and it will be restricted to 33bhp. Can anyone give me a ballpark figure of what the insurance will be? And what bike should I get?""

Car insurance for teens?

can someone guess how much my car insurance will be? im 16 years old i own a 2007 lexus gs and i never got a ticket... my mom said it would be around $200, but im kinda hoping it's a lot lower lol.""

Is there an affordable private insurance provider that will cover prescription medicine so I can go to school?

I have Crohn's disease and I'm attending college in Idaho. I'm currently covered by my parents' insurance, but I'm I will no longer be covered in a year. My college has a reasonably priced insurance plan but it doesn't cover prescription medications. Remicade is considered a prescription drug, which means that the plan won't cover my remicade treatments which cost about $4,000 every eight weeks. I realize I could get a job that has benefits, but I really would like to get a college degree. Is there any way I can go to college and still have the health coverage I need to pay for my prescription medicines?""

Why does car insurance cost so much?

my insurance cost me like $250 a month.. which is more than my car payment..

Should Military Buy Private Insurance?

Bad press, including major mockery of the plan by comedian Jon Stewart, led to President Obama abandoning his proposal to require veterans carry private health insurance to cover the estimated $540 million annual cost to the federal government of treatment for injuries to military personnel received during their tours on active duty. The President admitted that he was puzzled by the magnitude of the opposition to his proposal. Look, it's an all volunteer force, Obama complained. Nobody made these guys go to war. They had to have known and accepted the risks. Now they whine about bearing the costs of their choice? It doesn't compute.. I thought these were people who were proud to sacrifice for their country, Obama continued I wasn't asking for blood, just money. With the country facing the worst financial crisis in its history, I'd have thought that the patriotic thing to do would be to try to help reduce the nation's deficit. I guess I underestimated the selfishness of some of my fellow Americans.""

Wanna get the cheapest auto insurance?

Wanna get the cheapest auto insurance?

Which is the best insurance company in Kenya?

Which is the best insurance company in Kenya?

Received ticket for failure to report accident if found guilty will this make my insurance pay out void?

Was in one vehicle accident car written off insurance paid Still have court for failure to report accident need to know if found guilty will I have to pay the insurance company back

Do you have to pay for insurance if you get your learners permit in California?

I am 15 and am getting my permit next week and I was wondering if I would have to pay for insurance if I drive my parents cars.

can not afford a 2018 health insurance plans

can not afford a 2018 health insurance plans

How much would it cost to insure a 2002-2006 Subaru Impreza WRX for a 18 year old?

Just wondering, I'm looking into buying another car after I graduate High School. and I was wondering how much insurance cost per month to own a WRX between those years. For someone who has just graduated and turned 18.""

Can i list my vehicle at another adress for insurance?

hi, i own a 2006 acura RSX-s and i live in the philadelphia suburbs. my insurance is quite PRICEY! any how, my father owns property in northern PA which is primarily farm land, and insurance would be alot cheaper if listed there. tho i dont live there, can i list my insurance there? is there anything illegal or could it hurt me? i see alot of people with New Jersey tags who live in PA to get cheaper Insurance. what do you suggest, and what would i have to do, change adress on D/L etc?""

Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?""

""Need advice for buying new car insurance (20 year old, male)?""

Need advice for buying new car insurance. I am 20 year old, male, college student, and 2 tickets...... I need insurance for a new Toyota SUV (4 Runner or FJ Cruiser)""

I need a cheap insurance company.?

My friends problem: Well my mom decides that im not going under her insurance today, meaning I have 4 days to find a cheap insurance company and get my car insured. If anyone could tell me what they drive and how much they pay and what company it would be greatly appreciated.""

Buying Car Insurance for a new car?

I am on my parents policy right now and plan on buying a new car , along with the new car new insurance. My question is, do you buy the car insurance before or after you buy the car. Logic would say before since it is illegal in my state to drive without insurance, but I could be wrong Can someone clarify?""

What is the best and cheapest insurance when renting a car in America?

I have heard that when renting a car in America the insurance can be as much as the rental cost itself when organizing insurance through the rental car agency. I am traveling to the US and will be renting a car and am trying to figure out a batter way to get the collision damage waiver insurance other than paying the high insurance prices offered by car rental companies.

Should I sue my parents...?

When I was 4 years old I was in a car accident and my parents had a settlement with the drunk drivers insurance and recieved 100,000 dollars for me. At such a young age I didnt really know what was going on and they told me that it had to be put up till I was 18 and I couldnt have it. Well that money is no longer there and I am now 20. As I grew up they told me that it all just went to lawyer fees but obviously I am old enough now to know better. I found out from other family members that they just blew it. I am now married and have three month old baby and I could have used that money to help get a house for us or help with the financial problems that come with being a new parent or newlywed. Should I sue them to get what was mine to begin with and if so how do I go about it and what are the chances that I will win?""

Health insurance internationally?

im traveling to france and i need to know if my health insurance will still be valid there. if i have to go to the hospital will they accept my american insurance card? i have aetna insurance.

Misspelled name on car insurance card.?

I have allstate car insurance .They just misspelled it by one letter, what is supposed to be an N is an M , I've had the card for like a month and its misspelled on my old one too. Does it really matter?""

Where can i get cheap sr-22 insurance?

Where can i get cheap sr-22 insurance?

Where is a good place to get an Ohio Health Insurance Quote?

I just moved to Ohio and I need health insurance. I used to Live in Florida and I had Humana but that seems expensive here. Where shoudl I get health insurance in Ohio.

Average insurance costs in the UK on a Porsche 911 Carrera??

Does anyone with a Porsche..any model but preferably one of the 911 series..know how much the average insurance cost is in the UK and can anyone recommend cheap porsche insurers? THANX

Do you think its fair to tax smokers to pay for children's health insurance?

Do you think its fair to tax smokers to pay for children's health insurance?

""Looking for a good first car, one with low insurance rates preferably?""

I just turned 16 and am currently in the market to buy a car. I am looking for something in the price range of around $2,000, possibly a small four cylinder pick up, or a japanese sedan. Does anyone have any sugestions for a good first car, and if any one has expeiriance with insurance can you tell me a price range of what I would be looking at for isurance, I have good grades and looking for a minnimum policy in Florida. Thanks if anyone can help me although I know I probably wont get much help with the insurance part.""

Im 18-think insurance?

I want a car soo bad it has been 6 months since i passed my test.! what is the cheapest car which is likely 2 not break the bank i.e::: insurance, running costs, reliability. and another thing what is good 4 pullin birds (picking up the girls (slags))))?????""

How much would insurance cost for a 16 year old?

I want to buy a 1 year old camaro but was wondering how much insurance would cost for a 16 year old male. I need an estimate for the cheapest insurance. Even if the liability is really small.

How much is car insurance for a teenager under 18 years old?

If you share the car with someone, is the car insurance higher for two people instead of one? If so how much more?""

What's a cheap Car Insurance Company for a 18 Year old Male?

The car is a 106 1.1 Peugeot, does anyone know of any cheap or best ways to get the cheapest car insurance.""

Am I insured to drive?

i am 17 and i live in california and i just got my license. is it legal for me to drive my mom's car? the car is insured under my parents name. would they have to put me under their insurance first? we have allstate.

I desperately need auto insurance. i got my license like 6 months ago and i need cheap insurance?

as u guys probably kno, insurance for teens is ridiculously high!!.. the cheapest i got it was liek 215 a month.. but thats like.. no coverage. do any of u kno a good company or a good alternative way to legally have insurance which is not necessarily a monthly payment? (my friend told me about insuring mye license but im not too clear on how that works)""

How can i get a cheaper car insurance in ny after 3 non fault accident?

i have 3 accident on my current insurance , one was flood which was no fault of my own and the other two were where someone else hit my car now all state send me a letter that they are dropping me...im shopping around but everywhere else is charging me like $600 a month...that double of what im paying now ..is there a way i can get any insurance for cheaper ? what should i do??? please help...thanks...""

Cheapest 1st car possible?

For a 17 year old what car would bet the cheapest considering gas, insurance, and the actual price of the car.""

New teen driver insurance?

I just got my license about 2 hours ago. something just came up and I really need to drive somewhere. My parents have Statefarm insurance, but obviously haven't added me yet. Does statefarm have any type of temporary coverage? Can I leave now or do I have to wait until my parents can add me?""

Does getting car insurance quotes lower your credit score?

I was wondering if getting multiple insurance quotes can significantly lower your FICO score due to inquiries..especially if you have a limited credit history..

can not afford a 2018 health insurance plans

can not afford a 2018 health insurance plans

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-car-doesnt-have-collision-coverage-insurance-edward-walker/"

[redvelvetvenom-blog]

the only thing i could be jealous of you for is your is your 10k fake tits

some days it hurts more than others but today it hurts more than anything to write, i dont want to do it/ todays like one of those days where i dont feel like myself. but today is also one of the first days this year that i have woken up and known what day of the week it is. todays also one of the first days i was productive. yeah, i cant believe it. actually i can. i mean look where i am. writing is the only way i can communicate effectively with people... when im talking i feel like im always searching for words or saying to much or not saying how i really feel. i feel like im annoying the person which honestly i dont really care about but in relationships where it matters i usually just isolate myself and ignore them because the thought of being misunderstood which is my reality scares me to death and makes me furious and just give up.  i havent been writing and i feel like my brain is in this disgusting knot i dont recognize. im focused on irrelevant shit like jen and her lies and my nails and bleaching my asshole (actually that one  is important) and making peter not think im 12, and stewart losing interest in me, when im completely apathetic about my future and my physical and mental heath and making friends or having a job. its gross. i am gross. although i am the most attractive i have ever been i am also the most ugly and un put together on the inside as ihave ever been. its funny cause a year ago when i was writing and also dealing with a lot of loss, and going for days without sleep, dealing with my rape (more than one unfortunelty), and completely losing it due to the dope, i was somehow okay because i was writing. its like my own self medication. without writing my thoughts, its like i cant speak or think. and so maybe that sounds stupid but i cant explain how good it feels, as scary as it was to start, to speak again. i was so scared. i wouldnt admit it to myself, i just would ignore it all together. but i was so fucking scared to write, to type to be more specific. i could write in my diary, that would be slow and my hand would hurt and id NEVER be able to catch up to my thoughts. and thats been this whole year. its been a whole year. tina is a bully. i dont like her, but i feel like i cant live without her, and being an ex heroin addict, i feel pretty stupid saying that. but i am not a functional drug addict. some people are. infact, most people on here tumblr, “tumblr tweaker girls” or whatever or hashtag tweaker nation seem like they are doing more than just fine. like it hasnt completely destroyed their life like it has mine. but its funny because i was one. atleast until some dude decided to start blackmailing me because he found my page but he is irrelavant and so is that and not worth my time to talk about. moral of the story: dont bitch if you post videos on tumblr of you smoking meth in your bra. its not private, even if your tumblr is. anyone can figure out how to get the software to download your videos or pictures or whatever. well besides the obvious screenshot. anyways, ive come to the long and painful but unavoidable conclusion that stewart is not worth my time and wasnt since he moved up there. i should have never talked to him after the car incident because as much as i love him and it hurts, that was not fucking acceptable and me doing meth isnt an excuse for him to take it personally and lash out on me or punish me by pretending i dont exist. i just had so much happen and with all of that came low self esteem and with all the lies i was telling it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to feel good about myself. i guess it comes with borderline personality disorder but all that shit is nonsense to me because theyre going to find anything they can wrong with people and slap a name on it and then tell you your not normal. everyones fucked up, i am extremely fucked up and im okay with that. i cant understand it all now, fuck im only 20. up until this year i was ashamed of everything i did and everything that made me who i am, and its so hard to break out of that. in all honesty, i still dont really believe i am beautiful with or without makeup and thats fucking not true but i am insecure. but in the grand scheme of things, life is way to short to feel bad about yourself the way i do. i know that. life is to short to be in a haze trying to forget about everything and going through the motions, as lame as that sounds. ive been doing that and ive been waiting to die subcontiously because the truth is i dont really value my life like i should and i havent learned how to be happy on my own. i am the most materialistic person i know, and that unlike everything else i am not ashamed of because i know that it is so far rooted me that theres no use in denying it or being embarrassed because its not my fault, its the only way i know how to feel better. its always been. but the fact that i constantly feel like i need something to fill this hole is getting ridiculous and so is my shoplifting. i am way to fucking good at it and i have gotten away with it to many times to where its become my biggest addiction. i didnt really even notice it till a few months ago. ive noticed that everyone who does dope has a hustle, well almost everyone. atleast of the people i know. some of them are stupid, others are brilliant but not thought out as well as they could be or excecuted in the right manner, and some are like the expected, selling drugs or your pussy. i kind of am ashamed because my “hustle” is retarded, and i want a job more than anything. unfortunately my social security card has been stolen 3 times already this year and i cant get another one,  i cant even dance. i dont know how it started, but for about a year now, ive just been living off whoever i could, and the bare minimum. bare minimum is a broad term, because somehow i still have a car and a cat and expensive makeup, an iphone 7,hair products and my drug habbit supplied, but i dont know for how long. ok. honestly time. i dont like it anymore than i like the fact that i am a slave to this chemical but i have spent the last year filling my days with going from store to store stealing shit. anything from iphone cases to shoes to greeting cards to lingerie, you get it. ive gone into several stores and filled up my shopping cart and then just walked out. im not bragging.. its pathetic. in fact im sure no one is reading this anyway and im more than okay with that. the point of this page is for me and to be able to keep a record of my thoughts without having to worry about anyone i know reading it and so i can go back and read it, like an online diary. i got the idea from jenna from awkward but im not sure what she used for hers. i used to have one but had to delete my page because of all the drug related pictures and videos i had posted of myself, which unfortunately i can still find on youtube or here if i really try. i am ashamed, but a little less then before i wrote all of this. this is my truth. and my voice and my last little shred of sanity i have to cling onto because its the only way i know how and i dont even feel like i know or trust myself anymore. if you dont want to read this then please dont waste your time, the less followers the more i can make sense of this war inside my mind.. also please no messages trying to help me or anything, its annoying and i dont need your help. thanks, its 9am and im passing the fuck out. goodnight. more for nxt time <3 bbygrlldz

[amorrain1990-blog]

Tips to dating in 2017

I know what your thinking, "Who needs dating tips?" If your in a relationship OBVIOUSLY this isnt for you. I write this for the single people, not just females, but anyone who is freshly out of a relationship, those who are just tired of the same old experiences and looking for something real, or those who have no idea where to start in this new age era of dating online. Mainly I want to share my experiences with the world. If my words can help anyone, even just a little bit, or make someone laugh and forget about the terrible day they had, then one of my life goals will be accomplished. if your still reading this you must be seriously bored.. Just kidding and honestly thank you to those that decided that this was worth the time. So for a little background on me and why I decided to spend my valuable (not) time putting this together. I am a serial dater. Yes I admit it. Phew, first step to quiting your problem.... Anyways, ever since I started dating at 14 years of age, (if you can call it that when your that young) I never went more than a few months without a boyfriend. At 16 I met who I thought was the man I would someday marry. 6 years later, I woke up and realized that I wasted most my young adult life being a housewife without the big shiny ring and the bragging rights. Well I lasted about 4 days before I was back on the saddle and thinking I was in love again. I of course wasnt. After that ended, I entered another long term relationship. 4 years and a hell of a lot of tears later, I ended it and here I am now. Sitting here pouring my thoughts into Tumblr, knowing full well that no one will ever read this. But im doing this not just for others. Im mainly doing it for me. I made a New Years resolution to stay single all year. Theres been a few hiccups over the first month of the year, but so far still single. Its important to prove to myself that I do not need to be tied down, that I can be my own person and do things without a MAN. ( For clarification, I am in no way shape or form a feminist) Every woman should be comfortable with who they are, and shouldnt have to rely constantly on the male species. Dont get me wrong, I love guys! Who doesnt? Their manly smell, their muscles and of course the all important Penis. Although I enjoy the company and presence of a man, I also want to get down to the real nitty gritty, the foundation that is me. I need answers to important questions like : Who am I? What can I accomplish on my own? And most importantly, What talents do I have to share that will leave my own personal mark on humanity? No answers yet, but eh, its only been a month. Now to get down to the good stuff: Online dating. Ive dabbled for a few years with it. I learned a lot, and not always the easy way. Nonetheless, I would like to leave some imparting (and possibly humorous) words of wisdom. Over the time ive spent online, browsing through guys like a damn Ikea catalouge, I have come to the realization that NO ONE IS EVER AS THEY SEEM. No, dont argue. I do not care if youve added them on facebook and stalked them on Snapchat. CAMERAS CAN LIE. I dont care if he looks like Channing Tatum and Mark Wahlberg had a wacky (albeit ingenious) science experiment and they had a devestatingly handsome baby. Keep in mind filters and angles can make just about anyone look good. That goes for both men and women. Yes ladies im talking about you. If you arent comfortable enough with yourself to let a stranger see the real you, then how do you expect to truly find someone who loves you for you? I am not completely heartless, nor am I a virgin to using a snapchat filter a time or two (or five) but there are ways to keep it real and get away with it. You may be wondering why I brought this up? Heres why: I have had more than once, met some one online, thought they were handsome in their photos,(Yes photos can be altered, but I always look at all photos. They may not show the real guy behind the profile, but there is always a lot you can infer from their pictures. but i will touch bac on that at another time.) Back to my story, I usually am very good at picking out the phonies from the real. Like I said earlier, ive got some experience in this area. So the other day im bored talking to people online and this one guy hits me up wanting to hang out. He was super sweet and his pics werent too bad so I decided to roll with it and take him up on his offer. We talked for a week and to me thats better than most guys who just send a HEY and then ask for nudes. He came to pick me up and when i met him in person I was a little bit dissapointed that his pictures online didnt seem to really look like him too much. But im not shallow so I decided to give him a chance. He was a sweetheart and absolute gentleman, but i just wasnt attracted to him. If theres no chemistry, theres no chemistry. Plain and simple. Cant force it. Anyways, two hours later he dropped me off at home (we just sat and talked the whole time.) Overall i enjoyed the experience but in the back of my mind I knew he wasnt what i was looking for. Not that i know what that is, but maybe someday ill find that story book romance. The kind that takes your breath away and covers your skin with goosepimples. (meh, a girl can dream right?) The sad part is that i considered myself almost a pro at weeding out the guys who i know are a waste of time and those who arent. I had kissed more than my fair share of toads. Like the first time i tried online dating... (Hilarious flashback) I had just started out on this dating app, after getting my heart handed to me extra well done, and i obviously had no clue what i was doing. this kid(i think he lied about his age cause i thought he was 21 or 22, but in person he looked 12) starts chatting with me. We find out that we both liked to smoke and he seemed cool. He wanted to meet and i was lonely and depressed enough that i agreed to let him come over. His profile pics made him look like a redheaded justin beiber and i thought to myself, now brittany, youve never ever had good luck with redheads. But i chose to ignore that side of the brain. He called me unable to find the address so i met him outside. He got out of his car and lets just say, Justin Beiber? not even close. The kid knew that if he did his hair just like beibers in his photos, hed get more girls. But what he didnt realize is that if your going to use that to your advantage, maybe take the time to do it outside of just for your profile pictures. So, he asks what i would like to do, and i can already tell im not going to like this kid. Mainly because he was very indecisive, and i had to eventually tell him what we were going to do because i got tired of getting in and out of his car. So we decide to chill and smoke. My close friends know i can be a bit of a snob when it comes to marijuana. But i was born and raised in california. When your used to the best, other stuff is almost unsmokable. The entire reason i agreed to meet him may have been selfish on my part, he did say he would bring some and i hate smoking alone, so i guess i deserved what happened next. He pulls out his bag and then apologizes because he only brought a nug with him. But after i smelled it and looked at it i told him to forget it and we would smoke what i had. I could tell he was a little immature just from him trying to converse with me. It was obvious he thought this would be a hookup. He was like a teenager on prom night, bouncing around, nervous and looking for an excuse just to touch me. Of course he would be leaving disappointed. Not only was he starting to annoy me, but he brought crappy ass weed to my apartment. If you are a stoner, then you know how insulting that is. Somehow, amid his incessant chatter, a spider had made it to his face and was hanging off his nose. I couldnt stop staring at it! I wondered while he continued to talk, if he felt it at all. I was so fascinated by it i think he finally noticed and tried to slyly wipe at his nose. It took him three tries before he managed to rid himself of the arachnid. And cruelly i had wished it would bite him just so he would leave. As if my lack of effort in his one sided conversation wasnt enough of a clue that i wasnt interested, he then proceeded to sit next to me. He complimented me and then asked if he could kiss me. I didnt even reply before he leaned in and tried to toungue my closed mouth. I couldnt help it, I laughed. It was like kissing a relative. Not in an incestuous way, but in a awkward and not enjoyable in ANY way. I could tell i hurt his feelings when i pushed him away (the laughing part didnt help either) but at that point i was ready to enjoy the rest of the night with my favorite person: me. Luckily he finally got the hint and announced he was leaving because i obviously wasnt into him or having a good time... I was a little taken aback. I didnt think he could tell that i was getting fed up. I felt bad and lied to him, claiming exhaustion was the reason. Well it didnt work so he finally said he was just going to leave. I was too relieved to care. Needless to say i never talked to him again. Not that he didnt try! You would think a guy would take a hint and find someone who actually liked him. But thats what the block button is for, haha. (yes i know im heartless) And that leads us back to rule #1: Dont always expect to see the guy in the profile picture. 9 times out of 10 they took the pic when they were in highschool 5 years ago, or they angle it just right that you cant tell if theyre obese or not (again, not shallow, ive dated guys of all sizes) Or they just dont know how to take pics at all and look terrible in all of them. OR my personal fav, the guess who. (its where most of their pics are of them with other guy friends, most the time hotter friends, so you spend all this time trying to figure out which one is the actual sn: bicycleman007 or some lame shit. Only to spend the next 10 mins scrolling until i finally find an alone shot only to reveal that he wasnt the one on the left that i thought was hot. (ok this thing is getting longer than i thought. Time to wrap it up lol) One last thing that I think is just as important if not more so than rule number one: Rule #2: TRUST YOUR GUT. No exceptions, no excuses. JUST DO IT. 10 times out of 10 my gut has been right. That May be just a tad bit of an exaggeration, but seriously you will not feel guilt or regret when you follow your gut. Everytime i have followed it, I jump up in the air and do a dance because i was right and i did the right thing and felt so amazing afterward. The unfortunate times i failed to listen to that tiny inner voice, ive wanted to kick myself right in the tit. with boots on. But oh well, you live and learn and grow from it. Or vent on a blog with my absurdly long post. (just for those certain opinionated people, im not always right, everyone experiences things differently and in their own way.. this is just my experience. take it or leave it but dont be a douche about it. lol) Well thats it for now, but i will be putting more of my crazy experiences and tips for dating later. -b